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+{"text":"\n**The Secret Life of  \nMS. FINKLEMAN**\n\n**Ben H. Winters**\n\n_For_ Diana, Rosalie, and Isaac\n\n# TABLE OF CONTENTS\n\nCover\n\nTitle Page\n\n1 THE GREAT UNKNOWN\n\n2 A WALKING, TALKING MYSTERY\n\n3 TRADITIONAL ENGLISH FOLK BALLADS FROM THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY\n\n4 SPDSTAMF\n\n5 THE GOLDBERG VARIATIONS\n\n6 BETHESDA'S DAD\n\n7 MOZART'S PIANO CONCERTO NO. 20 IN D MINOR\n\n8 TENNY BOYER\n\n9 \"GREENSLEEVES\"\n\n10 THE TINIEST CHANGE IN PLAN\n\n11 THE NOTE\n\n12 FLOCCINAUCINIHILIPILIFICATION\n\n13 GOPHERS\n\n14 AWKWARD POPCORN\n\n15 \"LIVIN' ON A PRAYER\"\n\n16 THREE LITTLE WORDS\n\n17 BETHESDA FIELDING, MOUNTAIN CLIMBER\n\n18 \"ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!\"\n\n19 CHRISTMAS LIGHTS\n\n20 ONE MORE PART OF THE SECRET\n\n21 \"GREAT BALLS OF FIRE\"\n\n22 \"LOSE? WE CAN'T LOSE!\"\n\n23 OUT OF TIME\n\n24 WASHINGTON CROSSING THE NILE\n\n25 AN OLD CARDBOARD BOX SECURED WITH MASKING TAPE\n\n26 A DREADFUL COUGH\n\n27 \"LET'S ROCK!\"\n\n28 \"JANITOR STEVE IS GONNA FREAK\"\n\n29 THE ROCK SHOW\n\nEpilogue JUNE\n\nAcknowledgments\n\nCopyright\n\nAbout the Publisher\n\n# [1\n\nTHE GREAT UNKNOWN](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c01)\n\n_Ms. Finkleman_ was not the most popular teacher at Mary Todd Lincoln Middle School.\n\nShe wasn't the most _unpopular,_ either, of course. Never would she be ranked, for example, with famously horrible teachers like Mr. Vasouvian, the cruel gym instructor, or creepy Ms. Pinn-Darvish, the art teacher with the streak of purple in her jet black hair. But nor was Ms. Finkleman adored the way that some teachers are adored: teachers like gentle old Mrs. Howell, who brought brownies every second Friday, and who included a bonus question on every test relating to her cats, Jackie O and Mr. Spock.\n\nNo, Ms. Finkleman, who taught Band and Chorus, was considered neither awful nor excellent\u2014indeed, she was hardly thought of at all. Her hair was a boring shade of brown, her face neither beautiful nor ugly, her speaking voice timid and plain, her clothes drab and conservative. A kid could pass her in the halls a hundred times and never know it\u2014quiet, anonymous Ms. Finkleman, hurrying from the music room to the teachers' lounge, her head down and her violin case clutched tightly to her chest.\n\nIn short, Ms. Finkleman was one of those people so totally unremarkable as to be essentially invisible.\n\nShe was until the Seventeenth Annual All-County Choral Corral, that is.\n\nUntil Little Miss Mystery and the Red Herrings.\n\nUntil Bethesda Fielding and Tenny Boyer got caught cheating and were very nearly expelled.\n\nBut as anyone can tell you\u2014at least, anyone who has taken English Language Arts with Ms. Petrides\u2014a good story starts at the beginning and ends at the end, no two ways about it. And the story of Ms. Finkleman's shocking emergence from obscurity begins midway through second semester, in seventh-grade Social Studies with Mr. Melville.\n\nBethesda Fielding was enjoying the American Revolution.\n\nShe got to class first and snagged her favorite seat in the front row. Mr. Melville's class didn't have assigned seats, but Bethesda usually sat in the front\u2014it was kind of dorky, but she was short and hated feeling like there were things going on she couldn't see. As she dug out her Social Studies notebook (which was almost full, even though it was only February and seventh grade still had four months to go), Mr. Melville was already writing today's lesson in big, sloppy, red capital letters across the board.\n\nYesterday morning Paul Revere had charged through the night to warn his countrymen about the British advance. Today, according to what Mr. Melville was scrawling on the dry erase board, someone named Israel Putnam would be leading the ragtag colonial forces in the Battle of Bunker Hill. Bethesda was a smart girl with a secret sense of herself as exceptional, and she got a certain flush of pleasure from stories of important people and the important things they had done. She waited impatiently, pencil poised above her spiral notebook, one sneakered foot squeaking against the leg of her chair.\n\nMr. Melville finished writing and stood at the front of the room, arms crossed, watching unsmilingly as Braxton Lashey rushed in thirty seconds after the second bell.\n\n\"Ah! Mr. Lashey! \" Mr. Melville exclaimed haughtily.\n\n\"You have decided to favor us with your company! What a pleasant surprise! \"\n\nMr. Melville was a large man of late middle age, with a wild mane of thick white hair, a thick white beard, and thick white eyebrows that were forever arching upward to express sarcasm, mock bewilderment, or scorn. The Eyebrows of Cruelty, as they were known to all at Mary Todd Lincoln Middle School, weren't the only remarkable thing about Mr. Melville. It was also well known that he never spoke to other teachers and spent the lunch period alone at his desk, eating tuna salad and listening to jazz music. A third famous fact was that every semester he gave one huge test that determined 33.33 percent of your grade\u2014and he never announced when the test would be until the night before. He called it the Floating Midterm, and when students complained, as they often did, he would say, \"Whatever is the problem?\" with an expression of exaggerated innocence. \"If you're paying attention in class, why would you need to study at all?\"\n\nMr. Melville wasn't the most popular teacher at Mary Todd Lincoln Middle School, either.\n\nBraxton Lashey fumbled his way to his seat. \"Please, Mr. Lashey,\" said Mr. Melville, his tone thick with sarcasm, his eyebrows dancing wickedly. \"Do take your time.\"\n\nWhen at last poor Braxton was settled, Mr. Melville began. \"Before we are introduced to Generals Putnam and Howe, and discover that the Battle of Bunker Hill was fought on a different hill entirely... I have for you a Special Project.\"\n\nBethesda Fielding grinned and flipped to a fresh page in her Social Studies notebook as reaction to Mr. Melville's announcement burbled through the classroom. Chester Hu poked Victor Glebe in the arm and made a thumbs-up; Shelly Schwartz smiled brightly at Violet Kelp, who smiled brightly back; Rory Daas muttered, \"Oh, sweet,\" under his breath; Pamela Preston bounced giddily in her seat; Natasha Belinsky clapped three times and said, \"Yay! \" Braxton Lashey, who had been digging through his backpack, pretending to search for a pen while he waited for his blush to fade, looked up and smiled.\n\nSpecial Projects were another famous fact about Mr. Melville, and the only one that wasn't something bad. Even kids who hated school (like Chester Hu) or were generally terrible at it (like Natasha Belinsky) got excited about Mr. Melville's Special Projects. The only kids who _didn't_ were those who were totally spaced out\u2014kids like Tenny Boyer, who always sat in the back row, doodling guitars on his jeans with a highlighter pen.\n\nSpecial Projects were totally random assignments that had nothing whatsoever to do with the approved Social Studies syllabus. They were invented by Mr. Melville personally, in accordance with no curricular requirement or Board of Education guidance. Special Projects were weird, cool, and interesting. Best of all, Mr. Melville suspended regular homework while a Special Project was under way.\n\nEvery year parents grumbled about the projects (which took valuable time away from preparing for all the federally mandated standardized tests), and wondered why Mary Todd Lincoln's principal hadn't put a stop to them. The truth was that Principal Van Vreeland, like everyone else, was frightened of Mr. Melville and talked to him as little as possible.\n\nThe last Special Project, back in December, had been on family trees, which most students thoroughly enjoyed\u2014especially lucky Pamela Preston, who discovered that her great-great-great-great-uncle was the person who shot Jesse James. There had even been a picture of her in the newspaper, beaming, posed next to a scowling Mr. Melville.\n\nNow, beneath BUNKER HILL, Mr. Melville slowly wrote three words in thick blue marker: THE GREAT UNKNOWN.\n\nBethesda Fielding carefully copied down this intriguing phrase, her sneaker squeaking more insistently, as Mr. Melville explained.\n\n\"Life is a mystery,\" he said slowly, heavily enunciating every word. \"An endless dance of secrets and ambiguity. The things you _know_ and the things that you _think_ you know are but tiny pebbles when set against the towering mountain of that which you _do not_ know, and which you can never _hope_ to know. My question for you, intrepid youth, is this: Do we cower in terror before the great unknown? Do we hide our heads? Are we mice? Or are we human beings?\"\n\nPamela Preston's hand shot up. \"Human beings.\"\n\n\"That was a rhetorical question, Ms. Preston, though your enthusiasm is appreciated,\" Mr. Melville replied wearily. \"Today's Special Project is simple. Pluck out a loose thread from the vast tapestry of your existence, and follow it where it leads. Peer into the bottomless chasm of the great unknown, reach out for the hand of truth, and grab it! In summary, find a mystery, and _solve_ it! \"\n\n\"Can I go to the bathroom? \" asked Chester Hu.\n\n\"No,\" snapped Mr. Melville, giving Chester a baleful glare before he concluded. \"By Monday! Seven hundred fifty words! Using primary sources! Yes? Good?\"\n\n\"I don't get it,\" said Natasha Belinsky.\n\n\"I am terribly sorry, Ms. Belinsky,\" said Mr. Melville, looking not at all sorry. \"But we must press on.\" And with that, Mr. Melville turned back to the board, uncapped his red dry-erase marker, and returned his class to Bunker Hill.\n\nMeanwhile, at the end of Hallway C, in the Band and Chorus room, Ms. Finkleman was leading her first-period sixth graders through an off-key assault upon John Philip Sousa's \"King Cotton\"\u2014wholly unaware of Mr. Melville's Special Project and the particular mystery Bethesda Fielding already had it in her head to solve.\n\n# [2\n\nA WALKING, TALKING MYSTERY](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c02)\n\n_At lunch,_ Bethesda Fielding sat quietly at one end of a long table, sipping a strawberry melon Snapple, while her fellow seventh graders loudly considered various approaches to the Special Project.\n\nShelly Schwartz and her twin sister, Suzie, were considering why hot dogs are sold in packages of twelve, but hot-dog buns are sold in packages of eight. Victor Glebe was going to solve the mystery of whether Mr. Happy, the diving dolphin at Stinson Aquarium, was really happy, or just faking, in hopes of earning his freedom. \"Oh my god,\" said Chester Hu to Victor Glebe. \"I love that idea! That's such a good idea! Can we work together?\" Hayley Eisenstein thought she might solve the mystery of why her mother no longer spoke to her uncle Allen. Braxton Lashey said he didn't know what he was going to do, didn't have any ideas, and he had left his lunch at home, so could anyone loan him a couple bucks?\n\nTodd Spolin, who was eating a taco, said he was going to solve the mystery of what they put in the tacos.\n\n\"What about you, Bethesda?\" asked Pamela Preston, who, ever since the whole great-uncle-shot-Jesse-James thing, sort of considered herself the queen of Special Projects. \"What are you thinking?\"\n\n\"Hmm? \" said Bethesda.\n\n\"What are you going to do your Special Project on?\"\n\n\"Oh. Well,\" Bethesda answered, \"I think I'm going to do Ms. Finkleman.\"\n\nPamela narrowed her eyes and tilted her head a little. \"You're going to do _what?\"_\n\n\"Ms. Finkleman,\" said Bethesda, taking a sip of her Snapple. \"That's probably what I'm going to do. I'm almost positive.\"\n\nEveryone looked at everyone else, and then at Bethesda, and there was a long silence; from the next table over they heard Tenny Boyer singing quietly to himself, oblivious as usual, bobbing his head to his iPod and reading a magazine. Then there was a loud crunching sound as Todd Spolin took an enormous bite of taco.\n\nBethesda smiled impishly around her straw and casually tucked a stray lock of her reddish tannish hair behind her ear. She had decided on her Special Project idea almost as soon as Mr. Melville had explained the assignment, and she was pretty pleased with it. It seemed like no one at lunch really got what she was talking about\u2014and Bethesda was pretty pleased with that, too.\n\nPamela Preston broke the silence, addressing Bethesda as if she were telling a kindergartner not to eat paste. \"Um, Bethesda? What exactly are you talking about? Ms. Finkleman is just our boring music teacher.\"\n\n\"Or _is she?\"_ answered Bethesda dramatically, her smile widening, her foot squeaking animatedly against the leg of the cafeteria table.\n\n\"I'm sorry, Bethesda, but I totally don't get it,\" said Pamela.\n\n\"Me neither,\" agreed Todd Spolin, although it sounded more like \"nee never,\" since he had a lot of taco in his mouth.\n\n\"It's simple, really,\" Bethesda said patiently. She took off her glasses and cleaned a speck of Snapple from her shirt as she spoke, drawing out her words to extend her time in the spotlight. \"Okay. So. Mr. Melville's assignment was for us to find a mystery in our life and solve it.\"\n\n\"Wait\u2014it was? \" said Natasha Belinsky, furiously paging through her notebook.\n\n\"Ms. Finkleman is a _total_ unknown quantity. Right? Think about all the other teachers. We know that Mr. Darlington is married and lives in that old yellow building on Hatchet Street. We know that Mrs. Howell has the cats with the dumb names. We know that Ms. Zmuda went here when she was a kid.\"\n\n\"We sure do,\" said Chester Hu, rolling his eyes. \"She never shuts up about it.\"\n\n\"We even know that Mr. Melville is married, and there are some pictures of little kids on his desk. I bet they're grandchildren.\"\n\n\"I bet they came with the picture frames,\" said Suzie Schwartz.\n\n\"But what about Ms. Finkleman?\" Bethesda continued. \"Is there a single famous fact about Ms. Finkleman? \"\n\nThere was another long silence, but Bethesda could tell it was less of a \"what is she _talking_ about?\" silence and more of a \"huh, that's interesting\" silence. Pamela still looked skeptical, but most of the others were starting to nod.\n\n\"You know, now that you mention it,\" said Shelly Schwartz thoughtfully, \"she's such a quiet lady. I wonder where she comes from.\"\n\n\"Exactly,\" said Bethesda.\n\n\"Yeah. And is she married?\" wondered Suzie. Everyone started to get into it.\n\n\"What about kids? Does she have kids?\" offered Hayley Eisenstein.\n\n\"Does she have any friends?\" said Braxton Lashey.\n\n\"What about pets? \" added the new girl, Marisol Pierce, shyly.\n\n\"Mmmhfm\u2014nn\u2014mmfffhm? \" said Todd Spolin.\n\n\"Exactly, exactly, exactly!\" Bethesda responded, waving a finger in the air. _\"That_ is what I'm going to find out!\"\n\n\"No offense, Bethesda,\" said Pamela, crossing her arms across her chest. \"But I don't think it's the greatest idea.\"\n\n\"I agree,\" said Natasha Belinsky, crossing her arms in exactly the same way. \"Who cares about Ms. Finkleman?\"\n\n\"I do!\" said Bethesda. \"And so should you guys.\"\n\nBethesda stood and addressed the other kids at the table as if she were making a big closing argument in a courtroom. \"This woman is a part of our lives! She's a part of our _community!_ We take music from her _every single day.\"_ (Which wasn't true, since music and art alternated, plus there were weekends and everything, but nobody interrupted. Bethesda was on a roll.) \"And yet we don't know the first thing about her! Ms. Finkleman is a walking, talking mystery, right in our midst, and I am going to solve her! I mean solve _it!_ I mean\u2014you know what I mean! \"\n\nAnd with that, Bethesda spun on her heel and exited the lunchroom.\n\nAnd then, a second later, came back. \"I forgot my Snapple.\"\n\nThen she spun on her heel and exited the lunchroom again.\n\n\"Well, whatever,\" said Pamela Preston, when Bethesda was gone. \"I am going to solve the mystery of where Jesse James is buried. I don't know if you guys heard, but it was my great-great-great-great-uncle who shot him.\"\n\n\"Yeah,\" Chester said. \"We heard.\"\n\n# [3  \nTRADITIONAL ENGLISH _FOLK BALLADS FROM TEl SIXTEENTH CENTURY_](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c03)\n\n_At that_ very moment, Principal Isabella Van Vreeland sat at the large mahogany desk that dominated her vast, thickly carpeted office, wearing a giant foam sombrero and halfheartedly eating an egg-salad sandwich. As she chewed, she stared at her computer screen, reading and rereading an email from Principal Winston Cohn of Grover Cleveland Middle School. Finally she scowled, put down her sandwich, and shouted. \"Jasper! Get in here!\"\n\nAssistant Principal Jasper Ferrars, a very thin and very tall man with close-cut black hair, rushed in with notebook and pen at the ready. \"Yes! Principal! Ma'am! Hi! What is it?\"\n\n\"Jasper, I\u2014Stop looking at me like that.\"\n\n\"I wasn't! I mean, I _was_ looking at you. Of course I was looking at you. But only in order to be attentive,\" Jasper answered rapidly. \"I wasn't, you know, _looking_ at you. How's your sandwich? Is it okay? Good sandwich?\"\n\n\"You are looking at me like I'm wearing a giant foam sombrero that says GO GROVER CLEVELAND on it.\"\n\n\"Yes. I was. I _may_ have been. I can't remember. But, as you know, the fact of the matter is... you _are_ wearing a giant foam sombrero that says GO GROVER CLEVELAND on it.\"\n\nPrincipal Van Vreeland leaped up from her desk. \"And whose fault is that? \"\n\n\"Um\u2014mine?\" stammered Jasper.\n\n\"No,\" snapped Principal Van Vreeland. \"But good guess. It is the fault of our girls' softball team, which was trounced by Grover Cleveland.\"\n\n\"Yes, ma'am.\"\n\n\"It is the fault of the fun little wager I made with Principal Cohn, requiring me to wear this preposterous headgear for the entire school day.\"\n\n\"Yes, ma'am.\"\n\nIn point of fact, under the terms of the wager Principal Van Vreeland was required not only to _wear_ the silly hat, but to photograph herself wearing it and send the photograph via email to Principal Cohn. And it was Principal Cohn's one-word, all-caps reply to that photograph (\"OL\u00c9!\") that Principal Van Vreeland had been reading over and over, causing her to lose her appetite for egg salad.\n\nThis was only the most recent in a string of similar humiliations. Every year Mary Todd Lincoln competed with Grover Cleveland in dozens of activities, from debate to chess to lacrosse, and every year they lost in all of them. But Principal Van Vreeland could not resist betting against Principal Cohn over and over, on every single competition. Such was her deeply held belief in the inherent superiority of Mary Todd Lincoln's assorted teams, squads, and societies. As a result, over the course of her tenure at Mary Todd Lincoln, Principal Van Vreeland had been obligated on various occasions to go to school in a fake handlebar mustache, in a bright red wig, and (after a punishing six-nothing loss in the boys' hockey semifinals) dressed as a penguin.\n\n\"Jasper,\" she said now, \"I have a question.\"\n\n\"Yes, ma'am?\"\n\n\"Are there any events left on the county calendar in which we compete against Grover Cleveland?\" The principal paused, and then added, \"Perhaps a _non_ -sporting event? \"\n\n\"Well, there is the Choral Corral, ma'am.\" \"Ah! Yes! The Corral!\"\n\nThe All-County Choral Corral was an annual musical competition. Every band and chorus teacher in the county selected one seventh-grade class to compete, and the classes could do any kind of musical presentation they wanted: marching bands, barbershop quartets, chamber quartets, anything. Principal Van Vreeland had never placed a bet on the Choral Corral before\u2014the Corral was...\n\n\"Perfect!\" shouted Principal Van Vreeland, jumping to her feet. \"Who's our music teacher again? The mousy little brown-haired lady? \"\n\n\"Ms. Finkleman, ma'am.\"\n\n\"Ah! Yes!\" Principal Van Vreeland was pacing with excitement, tapping her perfectly manicured forefinger against the bridge of her nose. \"And what kind of astonishing performance is Ms. Finkleman preparing to wow the judges and ensure our victory over Grover Cleveland this year? \"\n\n\"Traditional English folk ballads from the sixteenth century,\" Jasper said.\n\nPrincipal Van Vreeland stopped and stared at him. \"I'm sorry. Could you repeat that? \"\n\n\"Yes, ma'am,\" Jasper replied. \"Traditional English folk ballads from the sixteenth century. They're, um... they're...\"\n\nJasper was going to say that they were quite lovely, but there was something in Principal Van Vreeland's facial expression that made him think that if he said that, she would throw her stapler at him. She had done so once before, when he suggested that her plan for a giant trophy case at the school entrance might be rejected by the county appropriations committee, since Mary Todd Lincoln never won any trophies.\n\nInstead, Principal Van Vreeland sat down, took off her sombrero, and lowered her head down onto her desk. \"You know what I should do, Jasper?\" She sighed. \"I should just give up. I should go live on a farm and raise sheep and goats.\"\n\nJasper's eyes lit up. \"Ooh! Can I have your desk?\"\n\n\"Get out, Jasper.\"\n\n\"Yes, ma'am.\"\n\nJasper shut the door gingerly behind him as Principal Van Vreeland stared at Principal Cohn's email, still flashing back at her from the screen.\n\n\"OL\u00c9!\" said the email.\n\nWhat the devil was she going to do?\n\n# [4\n\nSPDSTAMF](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c04)\n\n_There_ is no sound in the world quite like that of a middle school emptying of its student body on a Friday afternoon. First there is the high, shrill clang of the seventh-period bell, followed immediately by a tremendous echoing _BANG!_ as the classroom doors burst open like dozens of dams breaking at once. Then comes the rubbery squeak of a couple hundred pairs of sneakers all rushing over dirty linoleum, followed by and interspersing with the metallic clatter of a couple hundred lockers hurriedly being thrown open. Loudest of all is the din of the children themselves: the boys, ramming into the walls as they try to get around one another in a great ungainly race for the doors; the girls, squealing giddily and shrieking out plans to meet later at the mall, or Shira's house, or Sheila's house, but is it Sheila's mom's house or Sheila's dad's house? And on and on, the voices getting louder and louder, reaching higher and higher pitches of excitement, until the last kid flies out and the big double doors shut at last. Then silence.\n\nIt was in that silence, after all her fellow students had fled, that Bethesda Fielding stood at her locker, carefully labeling a fresh blue spiral notebook.\n\nTHE SPECIAL PROJECT TO DISCOVER THE SECRET TRUTH ABOUT MS. FINKLEMAN, Bethesda wrote, in her careful all-caps handwriting, which was never as neat as she wanted it to be. And then, underneath it, SPDSTAMF. Bethesda loved to give everything titles or elaborate nicknames. Her favorite stuffed animal, for example, which sat proudly in the corner of her room in an old rocking chair, was named Teddy Who Replaced the One Whose Head Fell Off in the Washing Machine, or Teddy WROWHFOWM, or just Ted-Wo for short.\n\nOn page one of the SPDSTAMF, she wrote PART ONE: TEACHERS. Her plan was to make a thorough survey of the Mary Todd Lincoln Middle School faculty, interrogating each of Ms. Finkleman's colleagues to find out what they knew. She paused before her locker mirror to compose herself into a serious no-nonsense detective: hair pulled back, eyes narrowed into piercing slits, lips pursed and businesslike.\n\nBethesda Fielding, Mystery Solver! Hmm, she thought. The pink butterfly barrette kind of ruins it.\n\nShe tossed the barrette in her locker and set off down Hallway B.\n\n\"Goodness gracious! Look who's come to call! \"\n\nMs. Aarndini was a cheerful, industrious woman with a bob haircut and a collection of brightly colored cardigan sweaters. As Bethesda came in, she was busily readying her Home Economics room for the weekend, carefully tucking each Singer sewing machine under its regulation sewing-machine cozy.\n\n\"I'd offer you a snack,\" piped Ms. Aarndini, \"but all I've got is bread the sixth graders made, and, well, you don't want bread a sixth grader made. Are you having trouble seeing, honey? \"\n\nBethesda relaxed her Mystery Solver squint a little and said, \"Ms. Aarndini, I need information.\"\n\n\"Oh? Is it about the beanbags?\" (Ms. Aarndini's seventh graders were making beanbags that week.) \"Be sure to use uncooked beans, m'dear. _Uncooked._ I can't stress that enough.\"\n\n\"Noted,\" said Bethesda. \"But I actually need to know about Ms. Finkleman.\"\n\n\"The music teacher? What do you need to know about _her?\"_\n\n\"To be honest? Anything, really. Her friends, her family, her life. Anything you know.\"\n\n\"Well, gee, hon,\" said Ms. Aarndini, and paused at the closet with a small basket full of pincushions. \"I know she's the music teacher.\"\n\nBethesda smiled. \"All right, then.\"\n\n\"Sorry not to be more help. But I'm pretty new around here. Other folks will know more.\"\n\nBethesda called, \"Thanks! \" over her shoulder, checked Ms. Aarndini off her list, and moved swiftly down the hall.\n\nBut Bethesda soon discovered that Ms. Aarndini was wrong: Other folks _didn't_ know more. In fact, they knew nothing. All that she learned, after an hour weaving her way up and down the halls, from the arts annex to the library, was that there's a lot of ways to say \"Nothing.\"\n\n\"Ms. Finkleman? Nope. Not a thing,\" said Ms. Beaumont.\n\n\"Zilch,\" said Mr. Darlington.\n\n\"Nada,\" said Mrs. Farouk.\n\n\"Zip,\" said Mr. Lavasinda.\n\n\"Not a jot,\" said Ms. Pinn-Darvish. \"Not a tittle.\"\n\n\"Never heard of her,\" grumbled Mr. Vasouvian, stuffing dodgeballs into a giant sack.\n\n\"Yo no s\u00e9 nada,\" said Senorita Tutwiler with an apologetic shrug.\n\nEven gentle old Mrs. Howell, who had been at the school forever and generally knew everything about everyone, was no help. She was, however, kind enough to offer Bethesda a brownie, which Bethesda nibbled as she headed for the last stop on her list. SPDSTAMF, she reflected, might be the _tiniest_ bit harder than she'd anticipated.\n\nMs. Zmuda taught Pre-algebra and coached the math team, on which Bethesda was a star. Bethesda found her grading papers with her feet up on her desk, her chair tilted back at a relaxed angle.\n\n\"Bethesda!\" Ms. Zmuda said, startled, as the front legs of her chair returned to the floor with a loud clunk. \"Do we have math practice today? \" Ms. Zmuda threw open a desk drawer, digging frantically for her graphing calculator and flash cards. \"Give me one second, will ya?\"\n\n\"It's not that,\" said Bethesda. \"I'm working on a Special Project.\"\n\n\"Ah! Melville, eh? \" laughed Ms. Zmuda, and she did a quick little Melville impression, her eyebrows wiggling with comic menace.\n\n\"Exactly. So, anyway, I'm looking for some information. But to tell you the truth, I've already asked every other teacher and no one knew much, so I sort of doubt you'll be able to help either.\"\n\n\"Well, gee whiz, Bethesda. Thanks for the vote of confidence.\"\n\n\"Ms. Finkleman. Band and Chorus,\" said Bethesda quickly, not even bothering to open her spiral notebook. \"Know anything about her? \"\n\n\"Huh,\" replied Ms. Zmuda. \"Okay, well, I guess you were right this time. I can't say I know much about Ms. Finkleman. Nice enough, but she kind of keeps herself to herself, know what I'm saying?\"\n\n\"That's what I figured.\" Bethesda sighed, heading for the door. \"Have a great weekend, Ms. Zmuda.\"\n\n\"I mean, I'm sure you've already heard about the tattoo.\"\n\nBethesda stopped walking.\n\n# [5\n\n _THE GOLDBERG VARIATIONS_](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c05)\n\n_Bethesda paused_ at the door to the Band and Chorus room and looked up and down Hallway C to make sure the coast was clear. She was 99 percent sure that Ms. Finkleman would already have left for the weekend, and that no one else would be around\u2014it was now 4:27, and there was never _anyone_ left at school, kids or teachers, after four o'clock on a Friday afternoon. But checking to make sure the coast was clear seemed like a nice, solid Mystery Solver kind of thing to do.\n\nBethesda felt just the slightest bit ooky about rooting around in a teacher's desk, but there was no helping it. She needed this Special Project to be a big ridiculous slice of awesomeness with a cherry on top (as her dad would say), especially after her display of bravado in the lunchroom this afternoon. She took a breath and cracked the door....\n\nAnd heard music. Soft, lovely music. Piano.\n\n_Argle bargle,_ Bethesda thought. _The Piano Kid._\n\nBethesda pushed the door the rest of the way open and there he was, hunched over the piano bench, his back to Bethesda, tinkling away.\n\nKevin McKelvey was a tall, thin boy with green eyes and a splash of freckles across the bridge of his nose. Bethesda didn't know him that well. In class and at lunch and stuff he kept pretty quiet, and otherwise nobody saw much of him. He was always busy doing what he was doing right now: Practicing the piano.\n\nKevin's father was the concert pianist Walter \"Walt\" McKelvey, the only real, live celebrity in the Mary Todd Lincoln parent community. The second famous fact about Kevin was that he practiced the piano four hours a day, and was therefore known as the Piano Kid\u2014although some people called him the Suit Kid, because he wore a navy blue blazer and tie to school every day. Once an obnoxious substitute teacher named Mr. Beshelov, who thought he was funny, had kidded Kevin about it. He asked Kevin if he had a date after school, and Kevin mumbled no, but Mr. Beshelov kept needling him until finally Kevin stood up and gave this whole little speech about how his father said you had to have respect for the instrument, which meant having respect for yourself, and he would appreciate very much not being teased about it by a so-called grown-up.\n\nHow could Bethesda look through Ms. Finkleman's desk with the Piano Kid hanging around? She cleared her throat. \"Hey, Kevin.\"\n\nThe Piano Kid stopped playing and twisted around on the bench. \"Oh, hello, Bethesda. What are you doing here? \"\n\n\"I, um, I just need to...\" Bethesda suddenly figured out how she could make this happen. \"Kevin, what's that you're playing? \"\n\n\"Oh, um, it's a piano.\"\n\n\"I know. I meant, what song are you playing? \"\n\n\"Right. Duh.\" Kevin blushed bright red. \"It's Bach. The Goldberg Variations.\"\n\n\"I really like it! \" said Bethesda, twisting a tannish reddish lock with her forefinger. \"I liked the part that you were doing just then.\"\n\n\"This part?\"\n\nKevin turned back to the piano and started to plunk out the notes again.\n\n\"Yeah, that part,\" she said encouragingly. \"It's totally clamfoodle.\"\n\n\"It's totally what?\"\n\n\"Clamfoodle. Meaning, just, like, really good. My dad makes up words sometimes,\" she added, strolling nonchalantly toward Ms. Finkleman's desk. \"He's a total goof. Anyway, keep playing. I love it.\"\n\nKevin kept playing, totally focused on the Goldberg Variations, as Bethesda sat down at Ms. Finkleman's desk.\n\nUnfortunately, it wasn't much help.\n\nThere were no pictures of family members (like Mr. Melville had on his desk) or pets (like Mrs. Howell had on hers); no coffee mug with a jokey slogan about golf (like Mr. Carlsbad's). Just a pencil sharpener, a bowl of those little clementine oranges, and the teacher's edition of _Greensleeves and Other Traditional English Folk Ballads._\n\n_Yeesh,_ Bethesda thought.\n\nMs. Finkleman had been teaching at Mary Todd Lincoln for eight years. Was it really possible that she had sat at this desk for all that time and not done anything to make it personal? There was no hint of the individual who sat here\u2014just a perfectly neat desk and a sad little bowl of fruit.\n\nBethesda slid open the top drawer, and it banged against her knee. \"Ow! \" she hollered, and Kevin stopped playing. She quickly straightened up, laced her hands in front of her, and leaned her chin on them as if lost in concentration. \"Wow,\" Bethesda murmured. \"That part was really great.\"\n\n\"Oh, thanks,\" Kevin said. \"Um, what are you doing?\"\n\n\"Just listening.\" Bethesda smiled. \"Just enjoying. Is there more? \"\n\n\"What? Oh, sure. Yeah. That was just the first three variations, sort of. There are thirty of them.\"\n\n\"Perfect!\" said Bethesda. \"I mean, I'd love to hear the rest. If you don't mind.\"\n\nKevin's fingers returned to the keys, and Bethesda returned to her investigation. The top drawer was no help either: a pile of ungraded sixth-grade music-theory quizzes, a stack of neatly folded handkerchiefs. _Yawn._\n\nThen Bethesda opened the bottom drawer, and stopped cold.\n\n\"Huh,\" murmured Bethesda quietly\u2014too quietly for Kevin to hear over the gentle strains of the Goldberg Variations. She leaned in closer and said it again. \"Huh.\"\n\nHer mind racing, Bethesda flipped open her SPDSTAMF notebook and copied down this intriguing new piece of evidence, checking and double-checking the strange jumble of letters to make sure that she got the whole thing. Then she gently shut the drawer, stood up, and slipped out the door, leaving Kevin McKelvey to his Bach.\n\nShe was about to sprint down Hallway C when she paused, her hand still on the doorknob, the door not yet shut all the way. The music drifted out of the Band and Chorus room, and for the first time Bethesda really listened to what Kevin was playing.\n\n_Wow,_ she thought enviously. _He is so good. I wish I was that good at something._\n\n_Clamfoodle,_ Kevin thought meanwhile, as he sat at the piano, practicing, practicing, forever practicing. _Wow. I wish my dad was a total goof._\n\n# [6\n\nBETHESDA'S DAD](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c06)\n\n_On Saturday_ morning, Bethesda wolfed down a waffle and biked furiously back to school, standing up on the pedals and pumping her legs, her purple knit scarf whipping behind her in the late February wind. She banged on the front doors and told a scowling Janitor Steve that she had left her lunch bag in her locker. Bethesda actually _had_ left her lunch bag in her locker so she wouldn't have to lie to Janitor Steve to get back into the school. Bethesda secretly admired the hardworking Janitor Steve, pushing his mop up and down the empty hallways long after everyone else had gone home, his big belly straining against the elastic waistband of his sweatpants. He wasn't particularly friendly, but he clearly believed in a job done right.\n\nNow that she thought of it, Bethesda wondered where Janitor Steve came from. _Hmm. That might makea good Special Project._\n\n_Bethesda!_ she chastised herself, as she turned down Hallway D toward the school library. _Focus!_\n\nFor the next hour and a half, her face firmly set in Mystery Solver mode, Bethesda worked her way through stacks of old yearbooks and archived school newspapers, looking for anything at all about Ms. Finkleman. What she found was... nothing. Not a jot, as Ms. Pinn-Darvish would say. Not a tittle. When she turned up in the paper at all, Ida Finkleman appeared only in classroom snapshots, baton in hand, performing her official school duties. There were no candid yearbook pics of, say, Ms. Finkleman and her three adorable kids on Family Day. There were no quotes from her in the _Gazetteer_ comparing life at Mary Todd Lincoln to another school she had once worked at, long ago, back in Boise or Sacramento or Alberta.\n\nBy noon Bethesda was across town, at the Wilkersholm Memorial Public Library, where she scoured the archives of the local newspaper\u2014week by week, day by day, month by month\u2014in search of any mention of Ida Finkleman. Again, nothing. Eight years of town history, eight years of Laundromat openings, shopping-mall closings, Fourth of July parades, zoo escapes and recapturings, and no Ms. Finkleman in sight. Hmm.\n\nAt last, Bethesda turned to the Internet (\"the first refuge of the lazy,\" as Mr. Melville sneeringly called it), where supposedly a person could find any and all information in the entire universe. And what did she find? Nothing.\n\n_Your search\u2014\"IDA FINKLEMAN\"\u2014did not match any results._\n\nAt four o'clock on Saturday afternoon, Bethesda blinked in the bright afternoon sun of the Wilkersholm Memorial Public Library parking lot, tugged back on her purple scarf, and wondered what to do next.\n\n\"Bethesda! Hi!\"\n\n_Oh, perfect,_ Bethesda thought. \"Hey, Pamela.\"\n\nPamela Preston, wearing an elaborate pink winter hat and high-fashion snow boots, waved merrily as she turned her bike into the parking lot and pulled up next to Bethesda. \"Working on Melville, I bet,\" she chirped.\n\n\"Me, too!\"\n\nBethesda muttered, \"Yeah,\" and tried to muster a smile. She and Pamela had been close from the ages of seven to nine, when they lived near each other and were both stars of the L'il Otters swim team. They had drifted apart, however, for all the reasons that ten-year-old girls do: Pamela's family moved to a different, bigger house, out of biking distance from Bethesda's; Pamela had started hanging out a lot with Natasha Belinsky and Todd Spolin, neither of whom Bethesda was too crazy about; and once, during their last season together on the Otters, Suzie told Bethesda that Todd said that Pamela said the backstroke (Bethesda's specialty) wasn't really swimming\u2014\"it was more, like, impressive floating.\"\n\nAnyway, since they had gotten to Mary Todd Lincoln, Bethesda and Pamela didn't hang out so much. And Pamela was the last person Bethesda felt like running into, just as she realized the SPDSTAMF was maybe going to be harder than she'd imagined.\n\n\"So? How's it going with the _fascinating_ Ms. Finkleman? \" Pamela replied, her eyes twinkling ever so slightly.\n\n\"Oh, you know,\" Bethesda replied. \"Fine, I guess.\"\n\n\"Oh, great!\" Pamela said warmly, as if Bethesda had said something totally different. \"Well, _my_ Special Project is going really well, too. Really, _really_ well.\" Talking very rapidly, and with a lot more hand gestures than Bethesda thought necessary, Pamela explained that she had dropped the Jesse James theme this time, and instead was studying the mystery of those weird piles of small rocks that ringed the school athletic field.\n\n\"I mean, have you noticed those piles? \"\n\n\"Uh, yeah, I guess so,\" Bethesda said, shading her eyes against the bright white sun and Pamela's enthusiastic smile.\n\n\"Well. I'm still piecing together the evidence and all, but you know what I think? \" Pamela lowered her voice and leaned forward over her handlebars, giving Bethesda a rich noseful of her lilac perfume. \"I think it's _aliens.\"_\n\n\"Really?\" Despite herself, Bethesda was intrigued. \"Aliens?\"\n\n\"Yes! Not the aliens themselves, just, like, _signs_ of them. They're preparing to land on our athletic field.\"\n\n\"Wow.\" Bethesda smiled weakly. \"Aliens. Are you here to check the newspaper archives? \"\n\n\"What? No, I don't need to. I've got it all pieced together. I'm just on the way to the art store to get some pink poster board. Won't that be cute?\"\n\nYeah. Cute. As she biked home, Bethesda's mind raced with anxiety. The clock was counting down to Monday morning, when Special Projects were due, and Pamela Preston had aliens from outer space about to land on the Mary Todd Lincoln athletic field. Bethesda, on the other hand, had (drum roll, please!) the world's most boring music teacher! _Erf!_\n\nBethesda's purple scarf caught in her rear wheel; she braked too hard, jerked the bike to the right, and slammed into the red-and-white striped barber pole outside Sully's Unisex Salon.\n\n\"Argle bargle,\" Bethesda cried as she struggled to her feet and picked little bits of deicing salt out of her palms. Argle bargle was another favorite phrase of Bethesda's father, for expressing intense emotional frustration or physical pain. When you were experiencing both, you said it twice. \"Argle bargle!\"\n\nAfter dinner that night, Bethesda sat at the kitchen table, a bottle of Snapple open in front of her, considering the meager data she'd collected thus far. There was the intriguing information about the tattoo. That was good. There was the intriguing clue from Ms. Finkleman's desk drawer. That was also good. And there was\u2014what else? The bowl of clementine oranges? No help there.\n\nBethesda sighed and decided her best bet was to focus on the clue from the desk. The original, written on a scrap of yellowing copy paper, was taped to the bottom of Ms. Finkleman's bottom drawer; but Bethesda had carefully copied the whole thing onto page three of her SPDSTAMF spiral notebook.\n\nIt was a secret code. Obviously. But what could it mean?\n\nIt was 8:45 p.m. Special Projects were due first thing Monday morning. Thirty-six hours of mystery-solving time left.\n\nAGY EGY? T M R? Maybe these were the names of Ms. Finkleman's best friends. Aggy Eggy? Tamara?\n\nP... P... Y...\n\nPROJ!\n\nWas it a list of places that Ms. Finkleman had traveled? Or lived? Was there a Projistan? Bethesda, who was pretty good at geography, didn't think so.\n\nCome on, Ms. Finkleman, she thought. Who are you? As Bethesda sat staring helplessly at the code, remembering her arrogant performance in the lunchroom on Friday and generally deciding the situation couldn't get much worse, she heard a chipper voice behind her.\n\n\"All right!\" said Bethesda's father, settling down next to her at the kitchen table with a gigantic bowl of ice cream. \"What are we working on?\"\n\nBethesda's father loved to help. It was kind of a problem.\n\n\"I have a big Social Studies project, dad. And it's really hard, so\u2014\"\n\n\"Ooh! The notorious Mr. Melville!\" said Bethesda's father. \"Social Studies! Good thing I'm so social and\/or studious! So? Lay it on me! What's the assignment?\"\n\nBethesda sighed. \"Well\u2014\"\n\n\"Hey, you want some ice cream? It's scrombifulous.\" (Made-up word.) \"Pecan raisin pretzel.\"\n\n\"No thanks, Dad. I have to focus.\"\n\n\"Can't focus with low blood sugar, Dr. Octagon,\" he said, using one of his zillion entirely nonsensical nicknames for her. He waggled the spoon at Bethesda and gave the ice cream a creaky, imploring voice. \"Eeeeat me. Pleeease eeeeeat me....\"\n\nBethesda gave in and took the spoon, giving her father an opportunity to grab her spiral notebook. He held it up right in front of his eyes and squinted. \"Let's see what we have here! What on god's green earth is a Finkleman?\"\n\n\"It's not a _what,_ it's a _who,_ and that's what I'm trying to figure out. Ida Finkleman is my Music Fundamentals teacher,\" explained Bethesda, reclaiming her notebook and wiping a smudge of chocolate syrup off the lower right-hand corner. \"Look, Dad. No offense, but I don't really think there's much you can do to help on this one.\"\n\n\"That's preposterous! \" her father protested. \"First of all, I'm a good helper! Secondly, I know lots of stuff! Thirdly\u2014did I say I was a good helper already? \"\n\n\"Yeah, Dad.\"\n\n\"All right, then. Gimme a crack at it. What else is an old man to do? \"\n\nBethesda's father started pretend crying, blowing his nose vigorously in his napkin. Bethesda knew from many years of experience there wasn't anything she could say that would make him back off. So she pushed the spiral notebook back across the table. He beamed and bent over it intently.\n\n\"Hmm,\" he said softly, peering at the mystifying scramble of letters that Bethesda had copied from Ms. Finkleman's desk drawer.\n\n\"Hmm, what?\" asked Bethesda wearily.\n\nBethesda's dad didn't answer. He held up one chocolate-stained finger for quiet and studied the spiral notebook in silence for a long moment. Then he snapped his fingers, looked back up at Bethesda, and said, \"I've got it!\"\n\n\"Really? What is it?\"\n\n\"It's a code.\"\n\nBethesda rolled her eyes. \"Thanks, Dad, but I got that far already.\"\n\nHe shrugged and licked chocolate off his fingers. \"Oh, well.\"\n\n\"What I'm trying to figure out is what the code _means.\"_\n\n\"That I don't know. Although...\" \"Although what? \"\n\n\"It's going to sound ridiculous. But there's something kind of strangely familiar about those letters. Like I don't know what it means, but the meaning is somehow... calling to me.\"\n\nHe was right: It sounded ridiculous. And yet Bethesda's foot sprang to life, suddenly squeaking insistently against the table leg, like it was a bloodhound that had just picked up a scent.\n\n\"Calling to you? \" she asked, looking at her dad skeptically.\n\n\"Yeah. Calling to me. Like from another life. Or something.\" Bethesda's dad laughed at himself, embarrassed. \"Okay, so I guess I wasn't much use this time. That's what you get for\u2014\"\n\nSuddenly Bethesda shouted, \"Aha! \" and pounded on the table hard, hard enough to make the ice-cream spoon dance in its bowl. Bethesda's dad, startled, pushed back from the table. \"Honey?\"\n\n\"Come on!\" Bethesda ran upstairs, taking the steps two at a time. She was thinking about all those boring stories her dad had told her about his past, from before he met her mother. About growing up in Brooklyn, and about the navy\u2014and about his \"punk rock\" days. All the silly pictures, the torn jeans and the pierced ears and the spiky black hairdo. And what did he always say, whenever he finished some silly story about those years? \"But that was another time,\" he'd say. \"Another life.\"\n\nThey were in her parents' bedroom, in her dad's closet.\n\n\"What are we doing up here, cheese potato?\"\n\n\"Show me your record collection.\"\n\nA huge smile appeared on Bethesda's dad's face. \"Really? You want to see my records? I'm honored. Seriously. I always knew\u2014\"\n\n\"Hurry up!\"\n\n\"Okay, okay.\"\n\nThey dug out the stack of records, the musty black disks in their shiny paper sleeves, and Bethesda riffled through the stack, looking for... well, what exactly she was looking for, Bethesda wasn't totally sure.\n\nUntil suddenly, there it was.\n\n\"Oh, man,\" said Bethesda's dad from over her shoulder. \"I haven't heard _that_ in yonks.\"\n\nBethesda examined the record more carefully. It wasn't a full-sized LP. It was what she had heard her dad call a seven-inch, a small record with just one or two songs on each side. She read the faded yellow sticker, which was printed in a messy font designed to look like handwriting. On the top it said the name of the band: Little Miss Mystery and the Red Herrings. At the bottom, in tiny type, it said North Side Sounds. \"That's the record company,\" her dad explained. And in the middle, dead center, were the song titles. There was just one song on the A side, called \"Allergy Emergency.\" The B side was called \"Not So Complicated.\"\n\nBethesda's eyes opened wide. She grabbed her spiral notebook and reexamined the mysterious code she had cribbed from Ms. Finkleman's desk drawer. There it was, the seventh line: (e?) _NSCOMP._\n\nNSCOMP.\n\n\"Not So Complicated.\"\n\nAnd the first line: AGY EGY\n\n\"Allergy Emergency.\"\n\n\"Oh my god, Dad,\" Bethesda said, her eyes widening. \"This isn't a code! \" \"It's not?\" he said. \"It's a set list.\"\n\nWhich is how it came to be that at precisely 9:42, when Bethesda Fielding's mother got home from Mackenzie Magruder McHenry, the downtown law firm where she practiced appellate litigation (and often had to work on Saturdays, because she was, as Bethesda's dad liked to say, \"a big shot\"), she found her husband and daughter dancing around the living room to a band she hadn't heard, or so much as thought of, in fifteen years.\n\n\"Good lord,\" said Angela Fielding with a laugh. \"What's going on here?\"\n\n\"C'mon, gorgeousness,\" hollered her husband. \"Dance party! \"\n\nBethesda whirled past, clapping her hands and leaping to the beat. \"Guess what, Mom?\" she shouted. \"I solved a mystery! \"\n\n# [7\n\nMOZART'S PIANO CONCERTO NO. 20 IN D MINOR](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c07)\n\n_On that_ same night\u2014at that very same moment, in fact\u2014in a high-rise condominium on the other side of town, an unremarkable brown-haired woman was fixing herself a cup of Sleepytime tea. In fuzzy slippers she padded from the kitchen into the living room. The unremarkable brown-haired woman sank down in her armchair, put her feet up on the matching ottoman, and exhaled. Before she had her first sip of tea, Ida Finkleman slightly raised her mug of Sleepytime and murmured a single sentence. It was a sentence that would have struck most who knew this most unremarkable woman as rather remarkable indeed.\n\n\"The agouti,\" she intoned softly, \"lives on.\"\n\nAgoutis are tiny brownish rodents who populate the verdant jungles of South and Central America. Ida Finkleman had never seen one, but once she had read about them in _National Geographic_ and felt a strong tug of kinship with the little fellows. Agoutis, the article had said, were \"shy and nervous creatures.\" As you would be, too, Ms. Finkleman felt, if you lived where they did: in a habitat teeming with much larger creatures who were always trying to eat you. An agouti's only hope of survival, _National Geographic_ explained, was to be at all times as small and still and plain and dull as possible.\n\nWhich was exactly how Ms. Finkleman felt at school.\n\nTo her, Mary Todd Lincoln Middle School was a jungle. Boorish, clumsy sixth graders rooted blindly from class to class, bumping into the walls. Tall eighth-grade girls pranced through the hallways like gazelles, preening for one another and letting out gales of twittery laughter at jokes only they could understand. Crass seventh-grade boys gathered in packs in the cafeteria, flinging Tater Tots and flicking bits of meatloaf like gorillas scuffling with their dung.\n\nWhen she was teaching, it was even worse. Ms. Finkleman, timid and skittish, stood meekly at her music stand, speaking in her mousy voice about Beethoven or Copland, struggling to be heard above the din. It was a tough world for a little agouti, and Ms. Finkleman knew that she could be doing something else if she chose. Her parents in Sarasota told her so every time she called, handing the phone back and forth to each other.\n\n\"So? You're so miserable? So quit!\"\n\n\"So come down here, you're so miserable!\"\n\n\"It's beautiful down here!\"\n\n\"The trees!\"\n\n\"And the juice! Delicious!\"\n\n\"Come and work for your cousin Sherman!\"\n\n\"He runs a very successful funeral home!\"\n\n\"No, thank you,\" Ida always told them. And they would always ask why, and she would always say... _because._\n\nBecause as hard as it was to get through her days, at least they were days filled with music. Thinking music, talking music, and even, every once in a blue moon, managing to _teach_ music. Just yesterday, for example, she had played her sixth-period seventh graders a selection from _Peter and the Wolf,_ and Natasha Belinsky (of all people) had raised her hand suddenly and said, \"Oh, wait! So it's like the music is the characters talking! Except they're not talking! They're _being_ music!\"\n\nMs. Finkleman was so surprised by Natasha's flash of insight that she was momentarily struck dumb. Then, when she was finally able to stammer out the words, \"Why, that's exactly right,\" _Natasha_ was so surprised she choked on her gum and had to go to the nurse.\n\nThese small, sporadic victories kept Ms. Finkleman going. On such meals did the little agouti keep from starving.\n\nAnd when she was at home, Ms. Finkleman could put on her slippers, fix a mug of Sleepytime tea, and leave the jungle behind. She turned on her stereo, closed her eyes, and lost herself in the bracing first movement of Mozart's Piano Concerto no. 20 in D Minor.\n\nHow soothing they were, her familiar pleasures\u2014how very _human._\n\n# [8\n\nTINNY BOYER](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c08)\n\n_All ((right,_ people, settle down!\" bellowed Mr. Melville, clapping his big hands together for quiet.\n\nIt was first period Monday morning, time for the presentation of Special Projects. Mr. Melville, being Mr. Melville, decided the running order at random as they went along, so no one knew when they might be called upon to present. If it worked like it was _supposed_ to, about half the class would present today, the rest tomorrow. But if it worked like it _usually_ worked, there would be enough stragglers, incompletes, and presentations that went over time that Special Projects would drag on at least through Thursday.\n\n\"Hmm,\" Mr. Melville muttered darkly, stroking his beard. \"Who shall be our first victim?\"\n\nBethesda leaned forward hopefully in her chair but did not cross her fingers. She had decided early in her middle school career that it was too dorky to cross your fingers in hopes of being called on. Instead she pictured a giant pair of fingers in her mind and mentally crossed them. Just as dorky, true, but at least no one could see it. Nervously, Bethesda undid and then redid her twin pigtails. Her Chuck Taylors, a new pair emblazoned with black-and-gold stars, squeaked rhythmically against the side of her chair.\n\nMr. Melville slowly scanned the classroom with his big shaggy head. _Squeak, squeak, squeak,_ went Bethesda's new sneakers. _Squeak, squeak, squeak._\n\n\"Let us begin with... Mr. Boyer.\"\n\nBethesda sighed and uncrossed the fingers in her mind as Mr. Melville settled his stern gaze on Tenny Boyer.\n\n\"All right, Tennyson,\" Mr. Melville said. \"Knock our socks off.\"\n\nThere was a long pause, as there was any time a teacher called on Tenny Boyer. Finally Tenny's voice, raspy and uncertain, came from the back of the room, and said what it always said.\n\n\"Huh?\"\n\nMr. Melville launched the Eyebrows of Cruelty upward in feigned surprise and then twisted his lips ironically, as if to say, \"I'm not really surprised, my arched eyebrows notwithstanding.\"\n\n\"Your Special Project, Mr. Boyer?\" Mr. Melville said. \"On the great unknown?\"\n\nLong pause.\n\n\"Huh?\"\n\nThe Eyebrows of Cruelty ascended even higher up Mr. Melville's big forehead, like two fuzzy mountain climbers.\n\n\"You have an assignment due today, Tennyson.\"\n\n\"I do?\"\n\n\"Indeed. Right now, in fact.\"\n\n\"Oh, man,\" Tenny managed. He was wearing blue jeans, a faded Pearl Jam T-shirt, and a blue-hooded sweatshirt, with the hood pulled up over his mess of dark, unkempt hair. \"I, uh...\" Tenny trailed off with an awkward half smile. \"Huh.\"\n\nMr. Melville sighed. \"Dare I infer from your expression of genial incomprehension that the assignment is not forthcoming? \"\n\nLong pause.\n\n\"Wait. What?\"\n\nBethesda glanced over at Suzie Schwartz, and they both smiled and shook their heads. Good ol' Tenny Boyer.\n\nThere were kids (like Bethesda) who always paid attention and always did the homework and crossed and uncrossed giant mental fingers. There were kids (like Suzie, or like Chester Hu) who sometimes paid attention, and sometimes played video games instead of studying, and sometimes did their homework on the bus, but usually at least _tried_ to do it. And then there was Tenny Boyer. The kid who _never_ did the homework. Who never raised his hand and never had an answer ready in case he was called on. Who had to go back to his locker at least once a day because he had brought the wrong notebook, or no notebook at all. Who, once, in Home Ec, had sewed his sleeve to a pair of pants\u2014on which occasion Ms. Aarndini had proclaimed Tenny \"the king of careless errors.\"\n\n\"Well, Tennyson,\" concluded Mr. Melville. \"I shall move forward, having failed once again in my quixotic effort to plant some small seed of knowledge in your mind.\"\n\nLong pause.\n\n\"Okay, man, sweet.\"\n\n\"Yes. Sweet,\" Mr. Melville said sternly. \"Now let us press on. Ms. Fielding? \"\n\nBethesda set up her easel and her record player at the front of the room and took a deep breath. When speaking in front of large groups, Bethesda had a tendency to talk very quickly so that all the words ran together. Her dad said that at such times she sounded like a motorboat:\n\n_\"Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.\"_\n\n_You're not a motorboat,_ Bethesda told herself, in her most soothing interior voice. _You're a person. You're a person._\n\nShe looked up. Everyone was staring at her, waiting for her to begin. _Okay. Now talk._\n\n\"Our story begins in 1991,\" she said.\n\nBethesda told first-period Social Studies the story of Little Miss Mystery and the Red Herrings, just as she had pieced it together. She began with her father's random memories of seeing the band play live at a basement bar called Bar Tender when he was a college sophomore. Then she moved on to what she had learned from the archives of various music magazines, which she had spent Saturday night and half of Sunday poring over. The big national ones like _Spin_ and _Rolling Stone_ didn't have much on the Red Herrings, but then Bethesda had found a publication called _Maximum Rock 'n' Roll,_ which had led her to a little Chicago punk-rock magazine called _The Fabulist,_ which had been the gold mine.\n\nLittle Miss Mystery and the Red Herrings were an all-girl punk band formed by four friends in the early 1990s in a small town outside St. Louis called Webster Groves. They moved to Chicago and recorded a bunch of singles; they got pretty popular in clubs around the city but never hit it big; they broke up by the end of the decade.\n\nBethesda quoted for the class an article from _The Fabulist,_ written in 1998 by someone named Rob Armstrong. \"Ask anyone in their small but rabid fan base,\" it said. \"The Herrings' recent unexpected breakup leaves a hole in the alternative scene that will be hard to fill.\"\n\n\"Excellent use of primary sources,\" Mr. Melville said approvingly. \"Thanks.\"\n\n\"Now, what's the point?\"\n\nBethesda swallowed nervously, and thought, _Don't let Melville throw you. This project rules. You are not a motorboat._ Still, she decided to skip ahead to the fun part. \"Okay, so before I reveal the mystery I solved, why don't I play you a song?\" Bethesda gave a nod to Suzie Schwartz, her audio assistant, who dropped the needle on the record.\n\nAs soon as the record started to play, Tenny looked up.\n\nMost kids, if they had found out there was a major project due today that they had totally spaced on, would be sitting at their desks in a state of stomach-churning, leg-twitching panic, trying to figure out something easy but impressive they could pull off by tomorrow. Not Tenny Boyer. Starting as soon as Mr. Melville finished scolding him, and right up until the moment Bethesda Fielding started playing that record, he sat with his eyes half closed, absentmindedly drawing the cover of _Led Zeppelin IV_ on the bottom of his shoe.\n\nIt wasn't true, as Mr. Melville had mockingly suggested, that Tenny Boyer didn't know anything. Tenny knew, for example, the guitar solo from the Lynyrd Skynyrd song \"Gimme Three Steps\" note for note, from beginning to end. He knew all the lyrics to every Nirvana song, including unreleased tracks and B sides. He could tell you when Bob Dylan went electric, when David Lee Roth left Van Halen, and when the Beatles first came to America. He could tell you the names of all the members of the Go-Go's, who played which instrument, and who wrote which songs. He could tell you Elvis Costello's real name and why he changed it.\n\nUnfortunately, all of this information didn't leave a lot of brain space for, say, Social Studies. And all the many hours Tenny spent after school, alone in his basement, playing guitar, didn't leave a lot of time for homework. And so Tenny's always-terrible grades were getting worse with every passing semester; his father had lately begun grumbling that next year, when his fellow Mary Todd Lincolnites advanced to eighth grade, Tenny would be sent to the St. Francis Xavier Young Men's Education and Socialization Academy.\n\nSo Tenny tried to force himself to make an effort, to do the work, to stop making so many careless errors\u2014at least to pay attention every once in a while. But it was no use. Tenny's mind always drifted back to rock and roll. By the time Mr. Melville had let him off the hook and moved on to the next kid, Tenny was already drawing on his shoe, trying to remember the third verse of \"It's the End of the World as We Know It.\"\n\nBut then the music started.\n\nThat girl with the glasses, Bethesda or whatever her name was, was playing a record on a beat-up turntable. Tenny dropped his marker and sat up straight, eyes wide open, trying to figure out what song it was. What band, even. It was punk, definitely early nineties punk, but who was it?\n\nWhatever it was, it was _awesome._ The song was built on a thundering four-four beat, straight up and down, with a galloping, snare-rolling drum figure and a really sweet, slippery eighth-note bass line. And the vocal\u2014the vocal was insane! The lyrics were garbled and buried in the mix, further distorted by the record player's tinny old speakers. But it didn't matter _what_ this girl was singing. The _way_ she was singing it was out of control. The vocal was delirious, a series of mad whoops, passionate and atonal and intense.\n\nIs this Sleater-Kinney? Tenny thought, trying to place the singing voice. Sidemouse? L7 maybe? He wished he'd been paying attention.\n\nAnd then it got even better. There was this long, strangled cry\u2014\"Waaaaa!\"\u2014as the song leaped into a bridge section, which was accented by a wicked buzz-saw guitar part. The bridge came to a walloping crescendo, and the song ripped back into the chorus. Then the chorus repeated; then it modulated; then it modulated again, as the rest of the band started singing\u2014howling, really, Tenny thought _\u2014howling_ a punching, choppy countermelody against the lead vocal line.\n\nTenny turned to the kid sitting next to him, who happened to be lanky, bespectacled, ultraserious Victor Glebe. Tenny had never spoken a word to Victor through six years of elementary school and two years of middle school. \"Oh my god, dude,\" Tenny said to him now, \"this is _awesome.\"_\n\nVictor, who was carefully organizing his photographs of Mr. Happy, the diving dolphin at Stinson Aquarium, looked up with a furrowed brow. \"Yes,\" he said solemnly. \"Awesome.\"\n\nAt the front of the room, Bethesda stood bobbing her head nervously to the record. \"You can call it overrated, tell me everything has faded! \" sang Little Miss Mystery. \"But it's not so complicated! It's not so complicated! _Waaaaa!_ \"\n\n\"Well,\" said Mr. Melville when the three-minute song ended. \"That was horrible.\"\n\n\"That song, sir, is called 'Not So Complicated,'\" said Bethesda, ignoring his opinion, \"and it was recorded in 1994 by Little Miss Mystery and the Red Herrings. Here they are around that time.\" Suzie's sister, Shelly, acting as visual assistant, displayed a photograph from a Red Herrings profile in _The Fabulist,_ which Bethesda had taken to the 24\/7 Kinko's yesterday and blown up to poster size. \"Part of the band's deal was that no one ever knew Little Miss Mystery's true identity.\n\n\"But I...,\" Bethesda continued, dropping her voice into a dramatic register, _\"do_ know.\"\n\nOn a nod from Bethesda, Shelly revealed a second blown-up picture, this one of Ms. Finkleman from last year's yearbook.\n\nThe effect was immediate, and exactly as Bethesda had hoped. Mr. Melville's class exploded with excited chatter.\n\n\"That's crazy!\" shouted Todd Spolin.\n\nLisa Deckter gasped loudly and clapped her hand over her mouth.\n\n\"Whoa! \" hollered Chester Hu. \"Is that\u2014\"\n\n\"It is,\" said Haley Eisenstein. \"It totally is.\"\n\n\"Whoa!\" Chester hollered again.\n\nIn the magazine picture, Little Miss Mystery wore a battered black leather jacket and black leather boots; her nose was pierced and her hair was a mad tumble of black and red streaks. Ms. Finkleman, in the yearbook shot, wore glasses, a nondescript beige jacket, and had no piercings of any kind, not even earrings. But the face\u2014it was the same face, and Bethesda could tell that everyone in the room could see it: Ida Finkleman was Little Miss Mystery. Even Mr. Melville was nodding slowly, impressed, his mouth slightly open beneath his thick white mustache.\n\n\"Whoa! \" shouted Chester a third time.\n\n\"How did you figure this out? \" asked Violet Kelp.\n\nQuickly Bethesda explained about the scrap of paper with the mysterious code, and how (with a little help from her dad) she had figured out that the \"code\" was really a set list. Bethesda skipped over how she got ahold of the code in the first place and didn't make eye contact with Kevin McKelvey, who was sitting in the fourth row in his blue blazer.\n\n\"Oh, and there's one more piece of evidence,\" Bethesda went on. \"When I asked other teachers what they knew about Ms. Finkleman, no one knew much, except for Ms. Zmuda, who once sat next to her in Nurse Kelly's office, getting faculty flu shots. She saw that Ms. Finkleman has a tattoo on her arm. A tattoo of...\" (Bethesda ostentatiously flipped open her SPDSTAMF spiral notebook to read, though of course she knew the quote by heart.) \"'A kind of a strange-looking man with long hair and piercing eyes.'\"\n\nThen Bethesda put down the spiral notebook and read aloud again from _The Fabulist:_ \"The Red Herrings weren't afraid to wear their influences on their sleeves\u2014sometimes literally. Little Miss Mystery proudly sports a tattoo of Ozzy Osbourne on her right arm.\"\n\nShelly held aloft a picture of Ozzy Osbourne, who (Bethesda explained) was once the lead singer of a band called Black Sabbath. And he was definitely a strange-looking man, with long hair and piercing eyes. Bethesda crossed her arms across her chest and wrapped up in her best closing-argument voice. \"There you have it, my friends. Mystery... solved! \"\n\nThe classroom burst into applause. Bethesda's tough lawyer-lady face broke into a wide smile, which grew even wider when she looked over and saw that Mr. Melville, for once, was smiling, too.\n\nThen there came a voice from the back of the room. It was Tenny Boyer, who in no one's memory had ever volunteered a classroom comment, in Mr. Melville's class or in any class, ever.\n\n\"Play the record again!\"\n\n# [9\n\n _\"GREENSLEEVES\"_](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c09)\n\n_As soon_ as the bell rang, Ms. Finkleman knew something was wrong.\n\nSixth period was seventh-grade Music Fundamentals, and it usually took the students of seventh-grade Music Fundamentals at _least_ five minutes to get settled. Five minutes for the birds to stop their wild chattering, for the wildebeests to stop snorting and huffling about, for the orangutans to stop howling and hooting and hurling pencil erasers.\n\nToday, however, fifteen seconds after the bell, Ms. Finkleman looked out from behind her music stand and twenty-four pairs of eyes stared back. Twenty-four pairs of hands, folded in twenty-four laps. Twenty-four students, quiet, composed, and intent. If Ms. Finkleman didn't know better, she might even have said _respectful._ She had heard other teachers speak of respectful students before, but had always thought it was just a legend, like Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster. But now, here they were: a roomful of children waiting quietly for her to begin teaching.\n\nMs. Finkleman felt a sharp pang, which she recognized as her keen agouti instinct for impending danger. A little voice sounded insistently in her ear.\n\n_Something is wrong,_ said the voice. _Run!_\n\n\"Um... good afternoon,\" began Ms. Finkleman tentatively. \"We will, uh, we will start with song number four in your books. That's 'Greensleeves.'\"\n\nShe paused for the big burst of noise that always erupted when she asked her class to do anything. But not today. No one shouted. No one collapsed into unprompted gales of laughter. No one got up to sharpen a pencil. No one farted or sneezed or coughed a loud on-purpose cough. They flipped their songbooks open to song number four, looked up, and waited. Ms. Finkleman heard her heart beating in the eerie silence of the room.\n\nShe cleared her throat and started teaching.\n\n\"Okay. Now, 'Greensleeves' is probably the most well known of the folk songs we're presenting this spring at the Choral Corral. And it's, um, it's really quite beautiful. As I believe I mentioned Friday, it was written in the late 1500s. The authorship is uncertain, although\u2014\" \"Ms. Finkleman? \"\n\nShe looked up. It was Todd Spolin. Todd had long, stringy brown hair, and his face was perpetually squinty. He was the kind of kid who slouched way down low in his chair, snapping his gum, aggressively uninterested. Except for today. Today he was raising his hand, smiling pleasantly, and waiting to be called on.\n\nThe voice in Ms. Finkleman's head returned, with new urgency. _Run,_ it said. _Run like the wind!_\n\n\"Yes, Todd?\" she said.\n\n\"I just wanna make sure I'm getting what's going on with the words, here,\" Todd said, squinting at the sheet music open in his lap. \"It's all about how this guy is really into this girl, and they're hanging out and stuff? \"\n\n\"Yes, that's correct.\"\n\n\"But then at this end part it goes, 'Thou wouldst not love me.' Meaning, what? Like, she's not into it. Right?\"\n\n\"Why, yes, Todd. That's correct,\" said Ms. Finkleman again.\n\n\"Oh, man. It's so... emo.\"\n\nWhen Todd said that little word, _emo,_ there was a response from the students. It was a slight response, nearly imperceptible, but Ms. Finkleman felt it distinctly. Twenty-four children leaning slightly forward in their seats, twenty-four pairs of eyes widening just the slightest bit. Ms. Finkleman had the sudden uncomfortable sensation of being examined like a piece of meat in a case. She regarded Todd carefully for a moment before answering.\n\n\"Emo?\" she said finally. \"I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the term.\"\n\n\"You're not? \" Todd looked momentarily mystified, but then he smiled.\n\n\"Ohhhhhh. Sure you're not, Ms. Finkleman,\" Todd said with a devilish hyena's grin. _\"Sure_ you're not.\"\n\nThen\u2014it just got stranger and stranger\u2014he _winked_ at her.\n\nThe voice in Ms. Finkleman's head came back, fervently entreating her: _Go! Flee! Seek cover!_ In her mind's eye, an agouti zipped under a bush and hid, trembling, from a pair of circling hawks.\n\nBut Ms. Finkleman just tapped her baton three times on her music stand and signaled the class to begin.\n\nBy the time the children got to the end of the first refrain of \"Greensleeves,\" Ms. Finkleman was astonished all over again. Because they were doing something they never did, a behavior even more unusual than paying attention: They were _trying._\n\n\"I have been ready at your hand,\" they sang. \"To grant whatever you would crave.\"\n\nThey sat with their hands folded on laps, peering closely at their music, singing full voiced and energetically.\n\n\"I have both wagered life and land, your love and good will for to have.\"\n\nAs her class plowed forward, the wariness that had possessed Ms. Finkleman since the beginning of the period began to melt away. She half closed her eyes and waved her baton gently, immersing herself in the familiar pleasure of \"Greensleeves\" and its enchanting, centuries-old melody.\n\nThe children sang. \"Ah, Greensleeves now farewell, adieu! To God I pray to prosper thee!\"\n\nWhen they got to the end of the song, Ms. Finkleman tapped her baton, gave a few small corrections, and took them back to the beginning.\n\nAnd so sixth period progressed, and soon Ms. Finkleman forgot about the little voice and about the agouti hiding beneath the bush. It no longer mattered to her what dreadful surprise lay in wait. It didn't matter if all this respectful attention was an elaborate setup and at the end of the period she would face a fusillade of spitballs or a bucket of crickets dumped on her head. It was all worth it. This experience, this moment, this classroom full of enthusiastic children doing their best and respecting the music, was worth whatever price she might have to pay.\n\nThe kids practiced \"Greensleeves\" again, and then again, and it got better and better, just like a piece of music is _supposed_ to when you practice it. The Schwartz sisters, in the center of the alto section, hit their harmonies. With a little help from Kevin McKelvey at the piano, plunking out the notes when needed, Victor Glebe sang his solo (almost) perfectly. Natasha Belinsky figured out how to sing in rounds, a skill that had long eluded her. Braxton Lashey did not fall out of his chair\u2014not even once. Even those students who were usually good, like Bethesda Fielding and Pamela Preston, were downright _great_ today.\n\n\"For I am still thy lover true, come once again and love me....\"\n\nAs they sang, Ms. Finkleman glanced anxiously at the clock. She knew that this magical period, like the romance depicted in the song, would soon have to end.\n\nActually, it ended early. At 1:53, seven minutes before the period bell, the door of the Band and Chorus room abruptly swung open, revealing Jasper Ferrars, the assistant principal. Ms. Finkleman lowered her baton, and the children grew quiet. \"Excuse me, children,\" said Jasper, rubbing his thin hands together rapidly. \"Ms. Finkleman, Principal Van Vreeland would like a moment of your time. Immediately after class. If you don't mind.\" He shut the door, and the little voice in Ms. Finkleman's head returned: _I told you so._\n\n# [10\n\nTHE TINIEST CHANCE IN PLAN](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c10)\n\n_Bethesda Fielding_ was having a tough time getting down the hall. She was on her way to her seventh-period class, Pre-algebra with Mr. Carlsbad, but everywhere she turned she was thronged by excited kids. They tugged on her elbow, tapped on her shoulders, stood in her way.\n\n\"So, wait\u2014Ms. Finkleman?\" they asked.\n\n\"The music lady?\"\n\n\"She was in a band?\"\n\n\"A punk band? \"\n\n\"Seriously?\"\n\n\"Yup,\" answered Bethesda with a wide smile. _\"Seriously._ All documented by numerous primary sources.\"\n\nHer whole day had been like this. At lunch, between classes, during classes, she had explained about the magazine articles, about the tattoo, about the set list. And all day long, she had gotten the same response.\n\n\"Awesome!\" \"Cool.\" _\"So_ cool.\"\n\n\"Thank you,\" she said, grinning, bouncing a little on her heels. \"I know.\"\n\nBethesda's friends were nearly as worked up by the whole thing as she was. \"Man,\" said Chester Hu, shaking his head with glee. \"You're a detective! You're like whatever-his-face! The guy with the hat!\"\n\n\"Sherlock Holmes,\" murmured Victor Glebe.\n\n\"You should do all the teachers! \" Chester continued, ignoring him. \"You should do Mr. Vasouvian next! I bet he's a former serial killer!\"\n\n\"Bethesda, you realize you're famous now, right?\" said Suzie. \"I mean, like, _world_ famous. Right, Shelly?\"\n\nBut Shelly was busy explaining to a tall eighth grader named Rick Triplehorn that she had been the visual assistant and was therefore an important part of the whole discovery. \"Nice work,\" said Rick, causing Shelly to blush bright red and drop her backpack on her foot.\n\nJust then, Pamela Preston approached and offered her congratulations, which sounded the tiniest bit like they weren't congratulations at all. \"Bethesda!\" Pamela said in a slight singsong. \"Have I even _said_ to you yet how _amazing_ your Special Project was?\" (She hadn't.) \"No, it was _really_ good, Bethesda. It really was. It's just too bad Ms. Finkleman didn't turn out to be related to someone really interesting. Like, oh, I don't know, Jesse James or someone. Not to be, like, negative.\"\n\nBethesda thought it was a bit, like, negative, but she didn't let it bother her. She said thanks, and kept on grinning. She felt like she had been grinning all day.\n\nIda Finkleman sat in a gray rolling chair in Principal Van Vreeland's office. Jasper, thin and wiry, stood just behind her, his arms crossed.\n\n\"So,\" said Principal Van Vreeland, smiling with pursed lips and leaning back in her own chair, which was just like the one Ms. Finkleman was in, except twice as big.\n\n\"Ida.\"\n\n\"Yes, Principal Van Vreeland,\" said Ms. Finkleman. \"Ida, Ida, Ida.\"\n\n\"Yes, Principal Van Vreeland,\" said Ms. Finkleman again.\n\nThis was very odd. Just as in eight years at Mary Todd Lincoln Ms. Finkleman had never had a class full of respectful children, she had also never been called in for a sit-down meeting with the principal. Ms. Finkleman was surprised, in fact, that Principal Van Vreeland even knew her first name. But now here she was, saying it over and over, in a fashion clearly intended to be friendly\u2014but which Ms. Finkleman found rather intimidating. Then the principal nodded sharply to Jasper, who nodded back and left the room. Ms. Finkleman wasn't sure, but she thought she heard the door lock from the outside.\n\n\"Ida, dear, how go the preparations for the All-County Choral Corral?\"\n\n\"Oh,\" Ms. Finkleman said. \"Fine, thank you. Pretty good.\" Why on earth was the principal asking her about the Choral Corral?\n\n\"Now, what is it that Jasper tells me you're planning for this year's concert? Victorian Sea Shanties? Is that right? \"\n\n\"No,\" answered Ms. Finkleman. \"Not exactly. Traditional English folk ballads from the\u2014\"\n\nPrincipal Van Vreeland sprang forward in her chair with such velocity that Ida shrank back. For a terrifying moment, she thought her boss was going to bite her on the nose. Instead, Principal Van Vreeland narrowed her eyes, looked directly at Ms. Finkleman, and said a single word.\n\n\"No.\"\n\n\"No?\"\n\n\"No. You see, Ida dear, there's been the tiniest change in plan.\"\n\nNinety seconds later, Ida Finkleman was standing in the hallway outside the main office, her face flushed, her heart pumping, trying to process Principal Van Vreeland's bizarre request.\n\nRequest? _Demand_ was more like it.\n\nA rock-and-roll show? For the Choral Corral?\n\nHow was she going to do it? She wouldn't! She _couldn't!_\n\nBut the principal's tone had been unmistakable: Say no, and Mary Todd Lincoln would find itself a new music teacher. Ms. Finkleman staggered down the hallway, trying to get her bearings. She had to get to seventh period, but somehow she couldn't remember where her room was. She raised an unsteady hand and ran it weakly through her hair.\n\nThis was a catastrophe!\n\nShe wanted to throw herself down on the grimy, gum-sticky floor of the hallway and pound her head against the ground.\n\nAnd that's when Ms. Finkleman saw her. In Converse sneakers and a navy blue skirt, her hair in two jaunty pigtails, Bethesda Fielding leaned on a locker outside Mr. Carlsbad's room, laughing and gesturing enthusiastically amid a boisterous crowd of admirers. Ms. Finkleman looked hard at Bethesda. Principal Van Vreeland had explained the origin of this \"tiny change in plan,\" including which bright young student had unearthed the \"fascinating secret\" of Ms. Finkleman's past\u2014and had seen fit to share it with the entire student body.\n\nShe strode swiftly down the hall and said, \"Bethesda,\" in a low voice. The other children got quiet and looked at Ida with wide eyes. This was the same awed, respectful expression she had seen during sixth period, but its origin was no longer a puzzle. These children didn't see Ms. Finkleman anymore. They saw Little Miss Mystery. Their gawking curiosity made her feel cold and sick and angry, as angry as she had ever felt.\n\n\"Will you excuse us?\" Ms. Finkleman said sharply, and watched the other kids scamper rapidly down the hall, glancing backward over their shoulders at Mary Todd Lincoln's first-ever confirmed rock star.\n\n\"Ms. Finkleman? Hi!\" said Bethesda warmly. \"I\u2014\"\n\nMs. Finkleman looked her square in the eye. \"You had no right to do what you've done.\"\n\nBethesda blinked. \"What?\"\n\n\"My past is none of your business.\"\n\n\"But\u2014\"\n\n\"And if I choose not to discuss it with the world, it's for a reason.\"\n\nBethesda said, \"I\u2014\" again, and again Ms. Finkleman interrupted. \"My life is not a joke, or a game, or a school project. It belongs to _me.\"_\n\nBethesda's face burned red and she blinked back tears. \"I...\" she said for a third time, and trailed off helplessly.\n\nBut it didn't matter. Ms. Finkleman walked away.\n\n# [11\n\n _THE NOTE_](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c11)\n\n_Bethesda s father_ put down his fork and sighed a big woe-is-me kind of sigh.\n\n\"This must be the worst dinner in the world,\" he said sadly.\n\n\"What, Dad?\"\n\n\"Oh! Bethesda! So sorry to bother you, dear. It's just that I slaved away over a hot stove for five to eight minutes, carefully combining all the ingredients as directed by the box. And yet my perfect little child, more precious to me than life itself, won't eat. You hate it. You hate me. I shall stab myself with a salad fork.\"\n\n\"Knock it off, Dad,\" cautioned Bethesda. \"I'm not in the mood.\"\n\nBethesda's dad never knocked it off when people asked him to. It was kind of a problem. \"Oh, and it _looked_ like such a simple recipe,\" he said, moaning in his fake distress. \"Just macaroni and... shoot, what's the other thing? \"\n\nBethesda crossed her arms, trying not to be amused. \"Cheese, Dad.\"\n\nHer father smacked himself in the head with an open palm. \"Oh, man! No wonder! I put in maple syrup!\"\n\n\"That's gross.\"\n\n\"Oh? Well, bad news, Grouchykins. You're smiling.\"\n\nLike all people in a bad mood, Bethesda hated to be told when she was smiling. She stopped immediately.\n\n\"So what are the bad mood ground rules here? Am I allowed to ask you a question? \" Bethesda just shrugged. \"What happened with the Special Project? Speaking as your unofficial research assistant, I feel it's my right to know. According to the fine print of the unofficial research assistant contract I...\"\n\nBethesda's father stopped mid-joke and looked at his daughter seriously. \"Bethesda?\"\n\nShe pushed the plate away and laid down her silverware. Her father gazed at her for a long moment until she looked up and said, \"You know what, Dad? I've got a lot of homework.\"\n\n\"Okey smokey,\" he replied softly. \"More ice cream for me.\"\n\n* * *\n\nIn her room, Bethesda sat glumly on her bed, hugging Ted-Wo to her chest. She had three chapters of early American history to read, two chapters of _To Kill a Mockingbird,_ four pages of Pre-algebra problem sets, and an earth sciences quiz on Friday. She didn't feel like doing any of it. In fact, she didn't feel like doing anything.\n\n\"My life is not a joke, or a game, or a school project,\" Ms. Finkleman had said, her eyes flashing. \"It belongs to _me.\"_\n\nBethesda groaned. What kind of terrible person was she? She hadn't even _thought_ of Ms. Finkleman's feelings, never stopped to consider how the dumb Special Project would affect _her._\n\nShe groaned again and listlessly started unpacking her book bag.\n\nThat's when she saw the note.\n\nAt 8:25 that night, Tenny Boyer pushed open the glass doors of the Pilverton Plaza Mall. As always, he wore an ancient rock-and-roll T-shirt (in this case, from AC\/DC's 1980 world tour, purchased at a yard sale last summer), jeans of dubious cleanliness, and his well-worn blue-hooded sweatshirt with the hood pulled up loosely around his thick hair. As always, his iPod ear buds were firmly in place. Listening to _King of America,_ Elvis Costello's tenth (and in Tenny's opinion, best) album, Tenny slouched past the arcade and rode the escalator up to the food court. He slouched past the Sbarro, past the Cinnabon, past the China Wok, past the Auntie Anne's, and at last arrived at his destination: Chef Pilverton.\n\nChef Pilverton was a life-sized automated puppet of a French chef. He lived inside the big clock that sat in the northeast corner of the food court, across from Arthur Treacher's Fish & Chips. Every fifteen minutes, Chef Pilverton popped out of the top of the clock like a jack-in-the-box, brandishing a rolling pin and an eggbeater, and made some sort of food-court-related announcement in a dramatic French accent. Stuff like, \"Bonjour! Bienvenue \u00e0 la Food Court! \" or \"Mmm! J'adore China Wok! \"\n\nWhen Tenny was a little kid and came to the mall with his parents and his brothers, he would stare at the clock, just waiting for Chef Pilverton, and fall over laughing every time he popped out. Now, age twelve, Tenny thought Chef Pilverton was sort of lame. In fact, he thought Pilverton Mall as a whole was kind of lame, especially since the only thing _not_ lame about it\u2014namely, Record World\u2014had closed three years ago.\n\nTenny was only here tonight because of the note.\n\nThe note was written on a piece of eight and a half by eleven notebook paper and folded over and then over again. Sometime during seventh period, someone had slid it through the tiny slats on the front of his locker. And all that it said, in careful, neat handwriting in red ink, was CHEF PILVERTON 8:30.\n\nTenny had no idea who the note was from. He didn't really have any friends. He wasn't in any clubs or extracurricular activities. There were Ian and Frank, a couple of guys from Grover Cleveland who he had sort of tried to start a band with last year, but Ian had moved, and he hadn't talked to Frank since last summer. Tenny had let himself wonder if maybe it was a girl who had slipped him the note, like a secret admirer or whatever. But he had to admit that it was pretty unlikely. For one thing, girls didn't usually go around randomly asking guys out. And girls definitely didn't go around asking _him_ out. And who asks _anybody_ out by writing them a note to meet at Chef Pilverton?\n\nSo Tenny didn't know what or who he was waiting for. But here he was, standing by the big clock, bobbing his head to \"Lovable,\" and waiting. What else was he going to do\u2014his homework?\n\nAnd then, at precisely eight thirty, just as Chef Pilverton popped out and said, \"Je voudrais un cheese stick, s'il vous plait,\" the mystery was revealed. An unremarkable woman with unremarkable brown hair, dressed in plain dull brown, approached Tenny Boyer and tapped him on the shoulder.\n\n\"Good evening, Tennyson,\" said Ms. Finkleman. \"Can I buy you a Cinnabon? \"\n\nYou can ask anybody who's taken life sciences with Dr. Kesselmann: Human beings, like all animals, are driven by what Maslow called the hierarchy of needs. Food and water. Safety and security. And, if you're a rock-obsessed seventh grader perilously close to flunking social studies, avoiding a future at the St. Francis Xavier Young Men's Education and Socialization Academy.\n\nSo when Ms. Finkleman made her proposal, Tenny didn't even think it over. He didn't even say \"Huh?\" He put down his Cinnabon, wiped the frosting off his hand, and extended it for Ms. Finkleman to shake.\n\nJust as Bethesda Fielding, clutching a folded-up piece of notebook paper and wearing her Mystery Solver face, walked into the food court.\n\n\"Bethesda,\" called Ms. Finkleman, waving her over. \"Won't you come and join us?\"\n\n# [12\n\nFLOCCINAUCINIHILIPILIFICATION](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c12)\n\n_The next_ day, Tuesday, Pamela Preston sat at her desk in sixth-period Music Fundamentals, a few minutes before the bell, her copy of _Greensleeves and Other Traditional English Folk Ballads_ open on her desk beside a forty-ounce bottle of spring water. Pamela was a big believer that proper hydration was essential to maintaining a clear, glowy complexion. Pamela sincerely felt that the universe required people like her: People who always looked great and felt great, so other people had somewhere to focus their attention.\n\nShe sipped her water and looked impatiently around the room. Pamela was having an irritating week. Bethesda Fielding's Special Project had been, like, this major sensation, which was totally marvelous for _her._ The only problem was that she, Pamela, who everyone knew _always_ had the _best_ Special Projects, hadn't even been called on to present yet! Even though she had sat in the front row both Monday and Tuesday, raising her hand higher and higher each time Mr. Melville scanned the room for his next victim. And so for two whole days, Bethesda Fielding had been the reigning queen of Special Projects, and Pamela... was not. The proper balance of the universe, therefore, was seriously messed up.\n\nMs. Finkleman walked in, and Pamela's classmates instantly hushed and leaned forward in their chairs, staring, just as they had yesterday. Pamela rolled her eyes and took a long swallow of spring water.\n\nOkay, Pamela thought. So Ms. Finkleman used to be some sort of rock-and-roll whatever. Uh, hello? Big whoop?\n\nStupid universe.\n\nTwo rows back and almost all the way over at the window, Bethesda Fielding was drawing a cool squares-and-stars pattern on the back of her music folder and thinking about last night.\n\nAt the food court, in the shadow of Chef Pilverton, Ms. Finkleman had made a surprising proposition to her and Tenny Boyer. Bethesda had agreed with no hesitation, and she was sure that her end of the bargain would be no problem. But there was one thing about Ms. Finkleman's deal that didn't make sense... one thing that didn't add up....\n\n_Stop it,_ she warned herself sharply. _Stop right there. No more mystery solving for you!_\n\nShe looked around the room for Tenny, who had sat there with her at the food court last night and had also agreed to Ms. Finkleman's plan. She wondered if he'd been struck by the new mystery, too, and whether it plagued him as much as it did her.\n\nThere he was, sitting in the last row as always, wearing that ratty blue-hooded sweatshirt and his usual blank expression. As she watched, he absentmindedly poked his pencil eraser around in his ear.\n\n_Okay then. I guess he's not plagued._\n\n\"Good afternoon, children,\" said Ms. Finkleman. \"I have an announcement to make.\"\n\nFirst, she explained quickly and with a note of sadness in her voice, sixth-period Music Fundamentals would not be performing traditional English folk ballads at the upcoming Choral Corral after all. \"I know some of you will be disappointed at this development,\" she added, though she had to admit to herself that no one looked all that disappointed. The reaction seemed more along the lines of collective relief. Smiles blossomed on seventh-grade faces all over the room, and happy, curious whispers burbled to life like rippling streams. Chester Hu, who two days earlier had apologetically explained that his dog had peed all over his copy of _Greensleeves and Other Traditional English Folk Ballads,_ looked particularly relieved.\n\n\"Instead of our previously planned program,\" Ms. Finkleman continued, \"We will be devoting our slot at the Choral Corral to...\" She paused, and took a deep breath, and continued. \"A rock-and-roll show.\"\n\nThere was a long, astonished silence as the news sunk in. And then Todd Spolin, he of the stringy hair and squinty eyes, leaped up out of his seat, pumped both fists in the air as if he had just won a marathon, and hollered, \"Yesssssss!\"\n\nWhat followed was five solid minutes of total chaos. Suddenly half the class was out of its seat, and everyone was shouting. Natasha kicked her leg out and played an air-guitar riff on her folder. Violet Kelp and Bessie Stringer held hands and jumped up and down, both repeating, \"Oh my god oh my god oh my god,\" like two little girls who just got ponies for Christmas. Shelly Schwartz shared an excited hug with Lindsey Deming. Braxton Lashey, who since the beginning of the period had been trying to fix a pen that had exploded while he was chewing on it earlier, looked up and shouted, \"Wicked,\" ink smeared all over his face. Even Kevin McKelvey in his navy blue blazer nodded enthusiastically, adjusted his tie, and grinned.\n\n\"This is so wicked!\" proclaimed Rory Daas.\n\n\"You know what it's gonna be like?\" Chester Hu said to Victor Glebe. \"Like that movie? About that school? Where the kids rock? \"\n\n_\"School of Rock,\"_ answered Victor.\n\n\"No,\" said Chester. \"That's not it.\"\n\nMs. Finkleman tapped on her music stand, trying to reclaim the room's attention, but it was no use. Every time it seemed like the excitement was dying down, someone would yell out, \"This is so cool! \" and it would all start again.\n\nThroughout this extended period of gleeful chaos, people were constantly smiling grateful smiles and shooting enthusiastic thumbs-up at Bethesda Fielding. It wasn't entirely clear how one thing was connected to the other, but obviously it was no coincidence: This change of plan was all thanks to Bethesda. If she hadn't discovered the hidden truth about Ms. Finkleman, they would be singing \"Greensleeves\" at that very moment.\n\nNo one, however, paid any particular attention to Tenny Boyer. No one remembered, amid the general celebration, that there was among them a kid who was obsessed with rock and roll, who knew every member of every band, who could quote any lyric and play any guitar solo you could name. No one noticed that Tenny didn't seem surprised by Ms. Finkleman's announcement.\n\nAnd no one, except for Bethesda and Ms. Finkleman herself, knew the truth: Tenny Boyer would secretly be planning the whole thing.\n\n_A show?_\n\n_A rock-and-roll show?_\n\nAs the class cheered Ms. Finkleman's dramatic announcement, Pamela Preston sat perfectly still, contemplating the ever-growing imbalance of the universe.\n\n_No, no, no!_\n\nPamela's hands tightened around her water bottle, causing an unpleasant crunkling noise. She was a featured soloist in two of the six folk ballads planned for the Choral Corral. How exactly would her clear, bell-like soprano be appropriately featured in a rock-and-roll song?\n\nAs her classmates clamored joyfully, Pamela sat with her nose ever so slightly wrinkled, her head of golden curls titled ever so slightly to the left, her eyes ever so slightly narrowed. She surveyed her fellow students as if they were a doctor's eye chart that wouldn't quite come into focus. This questioning gaze finally came to rest on Ms. Finkleman\u2014who, still standing at the front of the room and calling for attention, did not notice Pamela and her wrinkled nose and her displeased squint.\n\nIf she had noticed, Ms. Finkleman might have thought to herself: _Now_ there _is a girl who smells something rotten._\n\nAt last Ms. Finkleman managed to quiet the class enough to present the full plans for the rock show, the plans she and Tenny had made at the food court the night before. The twenty-four students of Music Fundamentals were divided into three eight-piece rock bands, and each assigned an instrument based on what they could already play or might learn quickly. Thus cellists like Victor Glebe were assigned to the electric bass, pianists (like Kevin McKelvey, obviously) were designated keyboardists, and so on. Kids who didn't play instruments would either be singers or assigned \"supplemental percussion,\" meaning tambourines and maracas. Each of the three bands would perform one song, representing a different decade\u2014sixties rock, eighties rock, and nineties rock. (\"What about seventies rock?\" Bethesda had asked at the food court last night, as Tenny sketched this all out on a Cinnabon napkin. He just shook his head and muttered, \"Don't ask.\")\n\nThe kids listened raptly as Ms. Finkleman explained all this, scribbling down their instrument assignments and trading excited looks and high-fives with their new bandmates. They managed to keep themselves relatively calm until the end, when Ms. Finkleman added one final piece of news: She herself, Ms. Ida Finkleman, aka Little Miss Mystery, would be performing right alongside them, singing along with every band, on every number, for the whole rock show.\n\nNot only would they be putting on a rock concert, they'd be sharing the stage with a real rock star.\n\n\"Oh my god!\" Chester Hu called out. \"This is so awesome!\"\n\n_Right,_ thought Ms. Finkleman. _Awesome._\n\n(In fact, this particular element, the idea of standing up there singing rock songs alongside her student population, was Ms. Finkleman's least favorite part of the whole awful affair. But Principal Van Vreeland had been unyielding. \"But that is the whole point, Ida dear,\" she'd cooed in her sweetly poisonous tone. \"You're Mary Todd Lincoln's prize possession, after all. Our homegrown musical sensation. We must show you off now, mustn't we?\")\n\n\"Okay, so I think that's everything, folks,\" Ms. Finkleman concluded. \"Let's uh, let's get star\u2014uh, yes? Ezra?\"\n\nEzra McClellan was a short boy with perfectly straight blond hair and very pale skin. According to the band assignments Ms. Finkleman had just made, he was to play drums in Band Three, the one doing nineties rock.\n\n\"Oh,\" said Ezra. \"Yeah. So, what are the bands called? \"\n\n\"Hey, yeah,\" echoed the girl sitting next to Ezra, Hayley Eisenstein, speaking thickly through her retainer. \"Real rock bands aren't just called Band Number One or Band Number Two.\"\n\nThere was a murmur of general approval.\n\n\"Excellent question,\" answered Ms. Finkleman, and looked quickly at Tenny, who nodded slightly. \"Very well. Each band will decide upon its own name. We have very little time to waste, so please divide into your bands and let's take...\" She glanced at her watch. \"We'll take thirty seconds to name the bands.\"\n\nIt took the rest of the period to name the bands. Band Number One, who would be playing sixties rock, swiftly devolved into discord when tambourinist Natasha Belinsky dismissed the first suggestion from drummer Chester Hu, which was Barf Hammer.\n\n\"Ew! \" Natasha protested. \"No way.\"\n\n\"Okey-doke,\" replied Chester cheerfully. \"How about Barf Machine?\"\n\n\"Ew!\"\n\n\"But we're all agreed it should have the word 'barf' in it?\" \"No! Ew!\"\n\nBand Number Two, the eighties rock band, was equally deadlocked over a suggestion from rhythm guitarist Carmine Lopez that it would be cool to name the band Floccinaucinihilipilification, because it's the longest word in the English language. Rory Daas (lead vocals) protested that, first of all, Floccinaucinihilipilification would never fit on a T-shirt, and secondly, it isn't the longest word in the English language\u2014the longest word is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.\n\nHayley thought those were both dumb, and she lobbied to name the band after her dog, who had recently been hit by a bus. Unfortunately, the late pet's name was Ms. Pinkbottom, and nobody thought that sounded right. Carmine then suggested they name the band after the bus (\"The M43! C'mon, that's a great name!\"), but Hayley didn't think that was very funny.\n\nOnly for Band Three, who would be doing nineties rock, did the naming conversation go smoothly, and only after its members remembered that they had an expert in their midst.\n\n\"Um, so, Tenny\u2014it's Tenny, right?\" said Suzie Schwartz.\n\n\"What? Yeah.\" Tenny was so rarely the center of attention that he was kind of startled to find the other seven kids in his assigned band staring at him.\n\n\"Do you have any thoughts on a band name?\"\n\n\"Uh, yeah,\" he said, with a little smile. \"I mean, the name is, like, super key, you know what I mean? \"\n\nThe other members of Band Number Three did not really know what he meant, and they looked at each other quizzically\u2014except Pamela Preston, who exhaled heavily and looked at her watch.\n\nLike anyone who is really into rock, Tenny Boyer spent a lot of time coming up with cool band names. Some people like names that sort of _feel_ like the music the band does, like Metallica or Devo or Soundgarden. Some band names are more like little stories, like the Grateful Dead, or Minor Threat, or They Might Be Giants. Some are just nonsense, like one of Tenny's favorites, Pearl Jam. What's a Pearl Jam?\n\nBut Tenny had a special affection for band names that are the Somethings: like the Modern Lovers, or the B-52s, or the Replacements, or the Talking Heads.\n\n\"Tenny? \" He looked up\u2014whoops. He had totally drifted off into his own thoughts.\n\n\"So, what do you think?\" It was Bethesda Fielding, this intense girl with the glasses and the pigtails, who since yesterday was suddenly this big part of his life. She smiled at him encouragingly. \"Do you have any suggestions? \"\n\nTenny smiled. \"The Careless Errors,\" he said. \"How about the Careless Errors?\"\n\nEveryone in Band Three looked over at Bethesda, who had made this whole rock thing happen. (Except for Pamela, who looked at her watch again and got up to go to the bathroom.)\n\n\"What do you think? \" said Lisa Deckter, rhythm guitar.\n\n\"The Careless Errors,\" Bethesda repeated, and then, after a pause: \"Huh. That's, like\u2014that's perfect.\" The Careless Errors it was.\n\nAt last the other bands had their names as well. The members of Band Number Two agreed that Hayley would reach into her backpack, and they would name themselves for whatever she pulled out\u2014and so Half-Eaten Almond Joy was born.\n\nBand Number One gave up and decided to just call themselves Band Number One.\n\nWhen the bell rang, the students of Ms. Finkleman's sixth-period Music Fundamentals streamed out, happily chattering about band names and rock songs and who was playing what and how totally, ridiculously fun this whole thing was going to be. \"Tomorrow, children,\" Ms. Finkleman called after them. \"Tomorrow our preparations for this performance shall begin in earnest.\"\n\nTenny was the last one at the door. \"Hey, maybe don't say stuff like 'shall begin in earnest,'\" he said quietly. \"It doesn't sound very, you know, very rock.\"\n\nShe gave a little nod, and he shut the door behind him. Ms. Finkleman's gaze fell to her desk and her teacher's edition of _Greensleeves and Other Traditional English Folk Ballads._ She looked sadly at the tattered green volume for a second, sighed, and slipped it into the top drawer.\n\n# [13\n\nGOPHERS](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c13)\n\n_In the_ cafeteria on Wednesday, Todd Spolin reached across Natasha Belinsky to get to Pamela Preston's half-eaten lunch, which consisted of homemade chicken salad on sprouted grain bread, four carrots, Greek yogurt, and a fun pack of M&M's for a treat.\n\n\"Pammers? You gonna eat this?\"\n\n\"What? No. You can have it.\"\n\n\"Sweetness.\"\n\nTodd happily tore open the bag of M&M's and smooshed them into the yogurt. Pamela wasn't hungry. Not after this morning, and her Special Project, which had been _significantly_ less than perfect. She spoke for four and a half minutes about the mysterious rock formations ringing the school's athletic field, showed numerous close-up photographs neatly displayed on pink poster board, and paused dramatically before revealing her conclusion about the alien invasion force.\n\nIt wasn't until she was halfway through her first bow that she noticed no one was clapping. And that Mr. Melville, instead of beaming and pronouncing hers a Special Project of extreme ingenuity and penetrating insight, was... _laughing!_ He was laughing a low, throaty laugh that caused his sizable gut to slowly roll up and down beneath his crossed arms. And when a teacher begins to laugh, especially a teacher as serious and self-contained and unsmiling as Mr. Melville, his students naturally begin to laugh as well.\n\n_Laughing._\n\n_At her!_\n\n\"What? \" Pamela demanded, her note cards trembling in her hand.\n\n\"Alas, Ms. Preston, if you had checked the recent archives of our local newspaper, you might have discovered the truth, which is a tad more... picayune.\"\n\n\"Picayune?\" Pamela didn't know what the word meant, but she didn't like where this was heading.\n\n\"Gophers, my dear. The rock rings were caused by gophers, and I believe they've already been taken care of. Not so much a mystery of the unknown as an inconvenient rodent infestation.\"\n\n\"But\u2014I\u2014Mr. Melville\u2014\"\n\n\"All right. Who's the next victim?\"\n\n\"Stupid gophers,\" Pamela grumbled now, furiously drumming her fingers on the cafeteria table.\n\n\"You never could have known, Pammy,\" Natasha offered.\n\n\"That's true,\" Pamela said, tilting her head reflectively.\n\n\"Acphhhly\u2014\" Todd interjected, talking through a thick mouthful of Pamela's chicken salad.\n\n\"What?\"\n\n\"I said, actually\u2014I knew. That it was gophers.\" _\"What?\"_\n\n\"My dad is an exterminator, remember? He was the one they called in to smoke out the little buggers.\"\n\nPamela narrowed her eyes at Todd and grabbed her lunch back. \"For god's sake, Todd, why didn't you tell me that yesterday? I stood up there and announced that the rock rings were caused by aliens from outer space! \"\n\n\"Yeah, no, I know.\" He shrugged. \"I thought you were going to say that the gophers _were_ aliens. I was like, wait, is there a planet of gophers somewhere? Because _that_ would be _awesome!\"_\n\n\"Oh my god, Todd, you are such a moron.\"\n\nNatasha leaned over with outstretched arms and gave Pamela a hug. \"You know what, Pamela? It's not such a big deal. This one time, you didn't have the best Special Project. I mean, Bethesda\u2014\"\n\nAt the mention of Bethesda Fielding's name, Pamela interrupted her friend with a sharp \"Ick!\" and pried Natasha's fingers off her arm like leeches. \"You know what? Don't even talk to me about Bethesda and this rock-show nonsense! In fact...\" Pamela leaned forward slightly. \"I have a _strong_ suspicion that there is something fishy about that whole situation.\"\n\n\"Fishy? \" Natasha said, her eyes wide. \"What do you mean? \"\n\nTodd looked up from the table; he had been absently scooping bits of spilled yogurt off the cafeteria table and licking them from his fingers. \"I'm so down with the rock show. I was practicing my guitar until one o'clock last night. Then I was like\u2014wait! I gotta put strings on this thing! And _then_ I was like\u2014wait! Maybe if I\u2014\"\n\n\"Todd! Listen!\" Pamela said, and stood in a huff. \"So Ms. Finkleman used to be a rock star. Great. Very interesting\u2014but why keep it hidden so long? And how come now she's suddenly fine with it becoming public knowledge? Not only that, but putting on a big concert? \"\n\nShe looked coolly at Natasha and Todd, who looked at each other, and then said, in perfect unison, \"I dunno.\"\n\n\"There is dirt to be dug up on this,\" Pamela said, \"And I am going to do the digging! Like a\u2014like a...\"\n\n\"A gopher? \"\n\nPamela glared at Natasha, threw up her hands, and stalked out of the lunchroom.\n\n\"What? \" said Natasha to Todd, who shrugged and got back to work on Pamela's lunch. \"What did I say?\"\n\n# [14\n\nAWKWARD POPCORN](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c14)\n\n_Bethesda Fielding_ sat at her kitchen table directly across from Tenny Boyer, her tannish reddish hair serious and unpigtailed, her glasses high on her nose, her right hand holding a sharpened number two pencil. In front of Bethesda were the following things: a well-thumbed copy of _A More Perfect Union: United States History from Plymouth Rock to the Constitution;_ a pencil case containing several backup pencils, two blue pens, four fresh erasers, and a fancy highlighter that was either pink or yellow, depending on how you clicked it; and a new spiral notebook, labeled PROJECT: STUDYING WITH TENNY (SWT), opened to the first page, labeled THINGS TO GO OVER (T-GO).\n\nIn front of Tenny Boyer was a red bowl filled with microwave popcorn, from which he was grabbing big handfuls and shoveling them into his face, and a can of cream soda, from which he was loudly drinking with a straw.\n\nBethesda looked at Tenny. He looked back at her, smiled blankly, and then kind of looked around the room. Bethesda took a breath to start talking, but wasn't sure what to say. Tenny slurped his soda.\n\n\"So,\" Bethesda said finally.\n\n\"So,\" Tenny answered.\n\n\"You excited?\"\n\n\"What?\"\n\n\"You know, for the rock show? \" \"Oh, yeah. Totally.\"\n\nThe clock ticked. Tenny shifted in his chair. Finally Bethesda said, \"Hey, do you need a pencil?\"\n\n\"What?\"\n\n\"A pencil? To write things down? \"\n\n\"Oh,\" he said vacantly. \"Yup. Totally.\"\n\nAs she dug around for a pencil she wouldn't mind losing (or getting back coated with earwax), Bethesda thought for the millionth time that having Tenny Boyer in her house was approximately the weirdest thing ever.\n\nShe had promised Ms. Finkleman she would do this, had agreed to the deal, and she had no intention of backing out. But it was _so weird._\n\nBethesda and Tenny hadn't even had a conversation since the fourth grade, when everyone in Mrs. Kleindienst's class had been assigned partners for their reports on the regions of Canada. They had worked together fine, Bethesda recalled, but only because she had done the whole project. Their presentation on Nova Scotia consisted of a poem Bethesda wrote about Nova Scotia, a drawing by Bethesda of a traditional Nova Scotian schoolhouse, and a list Bethesda made of Nova Scotia's primary imports (steel, cotton) and exports (wool, herring). Tenny's only contribution was a thirty-five-second, Nova Scotia-inspired \"musical interlude,\" played with two pencils against the side of a milk carton.\n\nSince then, Bethesda and Tenny had maybe said hi to each other now and then, or \"Sorry,\" if they collided in the hall, but that was it. Bethesda hung out with the Schwartz sisters, and sometimes Violet Kelp, and she worked on the _Mary Todd Lincoln Gazetteer_ and did math team and studied at the Wilkersholm Memorial Public Library. Tenny Boyer... well, Bethesda didn't know what he did, or who he hung out with, or where. All she knew was that he sat in the back of every class with a spaced-out expression\u2014and, she was now learning, he was the messiest popcorn eater in all human history.\n\nBethesda handed Tenny a pencil, and he said, \"Thanks, dude.\" And then they sat in awkward silence. From the other room came the low murmur of a reporter on TV, discussing expected rainfall in various regions of the American Southeast. Bethesda's father followed weather like some people follow sports.\n\n\"Okay,\" Bethesda began. \"I'll list some topics, and we'll both write down everything you're having trouble with. That way, I've got a list of what to focus on when we're working together, and you've got a list of what to work on at home.\"\n\n\"Sounds good,\" Tenny said, and then scratched his head. Popcorn crumbs cascaded gently from his hair. \"Um, can I have some paper?\"\n\nHalf an hour later, after Tenny had gathered all the necessary supplies... and after he had borrowed some scissors to take the shrink-wrap off his copy of _A More Perfect Union..._ and after he had finished his cream soda and asked Bethesda if it was okay to have another one... and after he had cleaned up the popcorn he accidentally knocked off the table on the way to the fridge... and after he had waited, repeating, \"I'm really sorry, dude,\" while Bethesda vacuumed the crumbs he missed... they finally began studying.\n\n\"Let's start with the Constitution.\" Bethesda figured they'd done that the most recently, so it would be freshest in Tenny's mind. \"What do you know about the Federalist Papers?\" asked Bethesda.\n\n\"The what? \"\n\n\"Okay,\" she said, carefully writing _Fed. Papers_ under THINGS TO GO OVER (T-GO). \"How about the Three-Fifths Clause?\"\n\n\"It was... oh. Wait. Was it some kind of... huh. What was it? \"\n\nBethesda wrote _3\/5 Cl._ under _Fed. Papers_ and bit her lip. _Okay,_ she thought. _A lot to go over. No problem. We've got plenty of time._\n\n\"Tenny? What are you doing? \"\n\nTenny had closed his notebook and pushed _A More Perfect Union_ away like a gross plate of food. He leaned way back in his chair and yawned.\n\n_Wait. Is he\u2014is he taking a break?_\n\n\"Tenny?\"\n\n\"Hey, you know what I don't get?\" he said absently, twirling his pencil between two fingers like a drumstick.\n\n\"It's not break time, Tenny,\" Bethesda said with a worried frown. \"Not even close.\"\n\nTenny didn't seem to hear. \"I don't get why Ms. Finkleman\u2014I mean, why Little Miss Mystery\u2014\"\n\nBethesda cut him off sharply. \"No. Stop.\"\n\n\"Huh?\"\n\n\"I'm serious, Tenny. We're not talking about it.\"\n\nBethesda could guess what it was that Tenny wanted to talk about, and the truth was that she wanted to talk about it, too. In fact, it was _all_ she wanted to talk about, practically all she could _think_ about since Ms. Finkleman had summoned her and Tenny to the food court on Monday night and they had made their agreement.\n\n_There was one thing about Ms. Finkleman's deal that didn't make sense... one thing that didn't add up..._\n\nIf Ms. Finkleman was secretly the punk-rock singer\/guitarist Little Miss Mystery, then why did she need Tenny Boyer to plan the rock show for the Choral Corral? Yes, Tenny was the kid at school who knew the most about rock\u2014but Ms. Finkleman was actually a former rock star! Surely she knew more! Surely she was perfectly capable of creating the show by herself!\n\nAnd yet that was exactly the deal Ms. Finkleman had made with Tenny: He would choose the songs, plan the running order, decide who would be in which bands and who would play which instruments. He would watch all the rehearsals and give her notes to give to the kids. He would secretly make all the decisions for Ms. Finkleman, who would then relay them to sixth-period Music Fundamentals as if they were her own.\n\nAnd in return for his help, Tenny would get some sorely needed help of his own. Bethesda Fielding\u2014glad to have a chance to make up to Ms. Finkleman for revealing her hidden past\u2014would tutor him in Social Studies so he wouldn't flunk Mr. Melville's infamous Floating Midterm and end up at St. Francis Xavier next year.\n\nIt was a straightforward agreement, a three-way pact, to which all parties had readily agreed. All very simple.\n\n_Except why on earth did Little Miss Mystery need Tenny Boyer?_\n\nAs for why Tenny needed Bethesda\u2014well, that part was no mystery.\n\n\"Tell me about the Bill of Rights,\" she said firmly, pushing Tenny's book back across the table.\n\nLong pause.\n\n\"Huh?\"\n\n# [15\n\n\"LIVIN' ON A PRAYER\"](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c15)\n\n_Kevin McKelvey_ sat at the giant antique Steinway that took up most of his bedroom, wearing his dark blue blazer and tie, his hair immaculately combed as always. He sighed. He looked out the window. He looked down in his lap. He cracked his knuckles. Finally, slowly, he lifted his hands up onto the keys and played a glittering glissando down the length of the keyboard. He sighed again.\n\nKevin's life, like his room, was dominated by the piano. Every day after school he went directly to the Band and Chorus room and practiced until Janitor Steve chased him out so he could lock the front doors. At home, after dinner, Kevin sat at the Steinway and practiced for a few hours more. His mother would stand just outside the door, listening; often he would find her there when he finally emerged to brush his teeth before bed.\n\nShe would always smile and pat him on the back. \"Piano is in your blood,\" his mom liked to say. \"It's in your bones, dear.\"\n\nWhich was true. Walter \"Walt\" McKelvey was a world-class concert pianist who jetted around the world playing with various quartets, quintets, and philharmonics. When he was in town, home for a night or two from Berlin before taking off for Tokyo, he would lean against Kevin's doorframe, arms crossed, and say, \"All right, son. Show me where we are.\"\n\nKevin would sit and play the Goldberg Variations, or Chopin's preludes, or something by Satie, while his mother beamed at her two geniuses and Kevin's father listened solemnly, with his eyes closed. And then he gave notes. A half hour, maybe an hour, of corrections: \"The adagio section is too fast, Kevin.\" \"You're _assaulting_ the keys, Kevin. Approach with diplomacy, not force.\"\n\nAnd Kevin would nod. \"Of course, Father,\" and then Walter McKelvey would leave to catch a flight to Toronto or Charlotte or Kuala Lumpur, to accompany a symphony\u2014and Kevin went back to practicing.\n\nKevin sighed a third time and flipped opened the sheet music in front of him. For this rock-and-roll project, he'd been assigned to the keyboards (of course) and was playing for the eighties rock band, Half-Eaten Almond Joy. Their song, by a band Kevin had never heard of called Bon Jovi, was \"Livin' on a Prayer.\"\n\n_Well,_ Kevin thought, quickly skimming the sheet music, _at least it's not going to be hard._\n\nThe original was done on synthesizer, not real piano, so it was basically just chording. He played E minor for two measures, four quarter notes per measure, and then for another two measures. Was the whole song just E minor? No\u2014here at last came a chord change. He moved to C for a measure, to D for a measure, and then back to E minor. Easy.\n\nKevin glanced at the vocal line, just to keep himself interested. \"Tommy used to work on the docks,\" he sang softly, continuing to bang out the chords (E minor, E minor), \"Union's been on strike, he's down on his luck, it's tough....\" (C, then D.) \"So tough...\" (Back to E minor.)\n\nRight around there, right when the song moved back to E minor, Kevin felt a shiver beneath his skin. There was something about the way that E minor chord landed when it came back that _agreed_ with the lyrics. Life really _was_ tough for this Tommy guy. With his left foot, Kevin worked the sustain pedal, and the chords bounced off the walls of his bedroom. He kept singing. The second verse was about Tommy's friend Gina, who worked at a diner. It sounded like she didn't like working at this diner, but she didn't have any choice, because of her and Tommy's financial situation. The chords remained the same, but now the repetition, instead of feeling simple, was somehow deeply satisfying. Again the song moved through its simple changes, from E minor to C and then to D, like it was building, line by line, measure by measure.\n\nAt the chorus the melody changed: more held notes, longer lines. Kevin sang out: \"Whooah! We're halfway there!\" And then\u2014 _bam!_ \u2014out of nowhere, the E minor inverted, transforming into its bright-eyed cousin, G major! A big, gorgeous G major!\n\n\"Whooooooooooooa! Livin' on a prayer! \"\n\nAfter the chorus, the song went into a third verse, then returned to the chorus before launching, _whoosh,_ into a long solo section\u2014then one more huge, triumphant chorus. When he finished, Kevin played \"Livin' on a Prayer\" again.\n\nThat same night, in the basement of his dad's house, where he stayed on the weekends, Chester Hu was getting really frustrated. \"I can't do it,\" he shouted to no one, tossing his drumsticks to the ground. \"I can't! I _suck.\"_\n\nWhat Chester couldn't do, he had decided after trying twice, was sustain a steady four kicks a measure on the bass drum, while hitting the snare on the two and the four, as was required to play the James Brown song \"I Got You (I Feel Good).\" Ms. Finkleman had named him the drummer for the sixties rock band (Band Number One) because Chester had briefly drummed for the Mary Todd Lincoln marching band. Of course, Chester had stunk in the marching band. Tromping along with his big shoulder-slung bass drum, he could never make it around the track without losing the tempo, losing his breath, or (on one extremely embarrassing occasion) losing the whole rest of the band and marching directly into a cluster of pom-pom girls.\n\nSo, sure, he had been as psyched as everyone else about this rock-show thing\u2014at first. But now, seated at the ancient drum kit that once had belonged to his uncle Phillip, holding the sticks in his hand, confronting the reality of how hard it was to play drums in a real band, his instinct was to quit immediately, take an F in Music Fundamentals, and go play video games. But Chester kept remembering all the crazy details of Bethesda Fielding's Special Project\u2014those pictures! The set list! The tattoo! Ms. Finkleman's secret identity!\n\nHow could he bail on this? It was like Batman had come to their school and was teaching a crime-fighting class!\n\n_Face it, young man,_ he thought, _it would be a shame to waste this splendid opportunity._ Chester shuddered, realizing he had gotten that phrase from dorky Mr. Bigelow, the guidance counselor with the mole who always smelled like after-dinner mints.\n\nWhatever. Chester picked up his drumsticks and tried again.\n\nPamela Preston was _not_ practicing her maracas. When she got home from the mother-daughter yoga class she and her mom attended on alternate Friday evenings, she removed the maracas disdainfully from her backpack, plucking them out one by one and holding them away from her body like they were dirty diapers. She dropped them on the floor of her room, where they rattled lamely.\n\nIt was bad enough that Bethesda Fielding's Special Project had been a triumph, while hers had been a humiliating disaster.\n\nIt was bad enough that traditional English folk ballads from the sixteenth century had been replaced by this rock-and-roll nonsense, depriving Pamela of the spotlight.\n\nBut _maracas?_ Her assigned instrument was the _maracas?_ It wasn't even a real instrument! It was something a preschooler made out of dried rice and an egg carton!\n\nHer friends kept telling her that it wasn't a big deal\u2014that doing rock would be \"more funner\" than folk ballads (as Natasha said), or that it would be \"the sweetest sweetness of all time\" (Todd). But the rock show somehow belonged to Bethesda, it was her thing, and that meant that Bethesda had become the most important person in the seventh grade. But that was _Pamela's_ rightful place, and she couldn't just let that change for no reason.\n\nWait. _Wait!_\n\n\"Aha! \" Pamela cried. \"I've got it! \" There had to be a _reason!_\n\nThere had to be some reason that Ms. Finkleman\u2014or Little Miss Mystery, whatever her stupid name was\u2014had given up her rock-star existence. And there had to be a _reason_ she kept it a secret all these years!\n\nThere was something she didn't want anyone to know! All Pamela had to do was figure out that secret something, and she could set the universe straight once more!\n\n\"I am a genius! \" yelled Pamela Preston, running out of her room to find the phone. On the way she kicked the stupid maracas under her bed.\n\nMeanwhile, Bethesda Fielding closed the front door behind Tenny Boyer, watched him bike down the street, and settled down wearily on the big living-room sofa. Project SWT was not going well at all. Bethesda was trying to maintain a positive attitude, but after one week, she was already pretty sick of hearing Tenny Boyer say \"Um\" and \"Oh\" and \"Huh?\" and occasionally \"What?\" What was wrong with this kid? He always showed up late, he never studied\u2014he didn't even _try!_ Even though _he_ was the one who needed the help.\n\nOver and over again, they had these ridiculous conversations:\n\n\"Tenny! Can you try to pay attention? \"\n\n\"What?\"\n\n\"I need you to focus, Tenny. To try.\"\n\n\"I am. I'm totally... wait, what did you say? \"\n\nAt the end of their first week of work, Tenny had learned basically nothing. Wait! Not quite true: He had, after much confusion, grasped the concept that \"the 1700s\" meant the same as \"the eighteenth century.\" But to earn Tenny a passing grade on the Floating Midterm, they were going to have to do better than that. A _lot_ better.\n\nBethesda had told Ms. Finkleman she was an amazing tutor. She had promised her this would be no problem.\n\n\"I can do this,\" she said, trying to talk herself into optimism. \"There's still plenty of time. I can _do_ this.\"\n\nAs she trudged up the stairs to her room, Bethesda looked longingly back toward the kitchen. Her father was whistling as he fixed himself an elaborate sundae, pouring a thick stream of chocolate syrup into a bowl overloaded with ice cream. But Bethesda kept walking. She had lyrics to memorize.\n\nBethesda closed the door to her room and clicked through her iPod to find the song the Careless Errors were doing in the rock show: \"Holiday\" by a band called Weezer. Bethesda had wasted an entire night trying to get Tenny Boyer to understand that Benedict Arnold and Benjamin Franklin were two different people, and instead of diving into a giant bowl of walnut fudge, she had to memorize some song so she could prepare to humiliate herself in front of the entire school.\n\nHow had this happened?\n\n_Oh, right,_ she thought glumly. _Me. Me and my stupid Special Project._\n\nJust then her father yelled up the stairs: \"Hey! Bethesdaberry! You've got a phone call! It's Pamela Preston.\"\n\nBethesda stopped. Pamela Preston?\n\nHalfway across town, Patricia McKelvey was standing outside the door of her son's bedroom, her arms crossed, her brows furrowed with concern. Her son, Kevin, was in his room, playing the piano as usual, but it was a song she didn't recognize.\n\nShe wasn't sure what song, but it was most definitely _not_ Beethoven.\n\nShe was about to crack the door to see what was going on, when she heard her son... singing. Singing _loud._\n\nMrs. McKelvey couldn't exactly make out the words coming from under Kevin's closed bedroom door, but it sounded something like \"Livin' on a praaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayer!\" Then, when the song ended, she heard another unfamiliar sound. Kevin was laughing. Deliriously, gleefully laughing.\n\n# [16\n\nTHREE LITTLE WORDS](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c16)\n\nTO: Winston Cohn\n\nFROM: Isabel Van Vreeland\n\nSUBJECT: UPCOMING CHORAL CORRAL\/YOUR TOTAL HUMILIATION\n\nMy dear Principal Cohn,\n\nSorry if this email contains the occasional misspelign. My hands are trembling from what I have just witnessed in my Band and Chorus room, where our own Ms. Finkleman and her students are preparing for the upcoming Seventeenth Annual Choral Corral. Ms. Finkleman is creating a show\n\nPrincipal Van Vreeland tapped her chin for a moment with a perfectly manicured forefinger, and then deleted the word _show._\n\nMs. Finkleman is creating a _MASTERPIECE_ that will surely go down in the history of the All-County Choral Corral as one of the\n\nStop. Delete, delete.\n\nas _THE SINGLE GREATEST_ performance ever. In sum, Principal Cohn: WE WILL DESTROY YOU.\n\n\"Principal Van Vreeland? If I might?\"\n\nThe principal looked up with a sour expression. She hadn't realized Jasper was still hovering over her shoulder. I should really get him some kind of bell, she thought suddenly, and then mentally filed the idea for later.\n\n\"Not to be a metaphorical rocker of the figurative boat, of course.\" He wrung his reedy hands together with consternation. \"But I wonder if you are certain this sort of communication is such a good idea?\"\n\n\"My god, are you irritating,\" the principal snapped as her finger plunged down on the send button. \"I have total confidence in Ms. Finkleman, in Lady McMystery, whatever her name is.\"\n\n\"But\u2014\"\n\n\"But what, Jasper? Because at this moment, I'm having far _less_ confidence in my choice of assistant principal! \"\n\nJasper blanched. \"But nothing! Nothing at all. I was just going to say how completely I agree with you. Always. Obviously.\"\n\nJust then a sharp _ding_ sounded from Principal Van Vreeland's computer, as a reply email arrived. Together, the principal and her assistant leaned forward to read the three little words flashing merrily on the screen.\n\nCare to wager?\n\n# [17\n\nBETHESDA FIELIDING, MOUNTHAIN CLIMBER](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c17)\n\n_A((righ._ Let's start with an easy one tonight. Who was the primary drafter of the Declaration of Independence?\"\n\n\"Oh. Shoot. Wait.\" said Tenny slowly. \"I think I might know this.\"\n\n\"You do.\"\n\n\"Okay.\"\n\n\"You definitely do.\" Pause.\n\n\"I don't know.\"\n\n\"Come on, Tenny. It rhymes with Fefferson.\" \"Oh. Okay... um...\"\n\nBethesda scrunched up her face and moaned. _\"Jefferson,_ Tenny. The person who drafted the Declaration of Independence was Thomas Jefferson.\"\n\n\"Oh.\"\n\n\"Benjamin Franklin edited it.\"\n\n\"I thought Benjamin Franklin was the traitor guy.\"\n\n\"No! No, that's...\" Bethesda willed herself not to get upset and offered her best encouraging smile. \"You know what? Let's come back to it.\"\n\nIn her imagination, Bethesda fixed her gaze on a distant mountaintop, reshouldered her heavy pack, and kept climbing. She had been tutoring Tenny Boyer in American history for three weeks, and they hadn't made much progress. Bethesda had decided that her task was a mountain, and she was a mountain climber. A brave mountain climber! A dauntless mountain climber! Audacious! Steadfast! Intrepid! (She had looked up _brave_ in the thesaurus.) She was counting on the mental imagery to inspire her, hoping that if she just worked hard enough, Tenny would finally start getting this stuff.\n\nAnd he _better_ start getting it; as of today it was March, and that meant it was open season for the Floating Midterm. It was usually later in the spring, but with Melville you never knew. One day, when they least expected it, first period would end with Mr. Melville suddenly, offhandedly announcing, in his rough growl of a voice: \"Oh, by the way, little geniuses, tomorrow is test day.\"\n\nSo here she was, the brave and dauntless and audacious (etc.) mountain climber, at the foot of Mount Everest, where Tenny Boyer knew absolutely nothing about early American history, gazing up at the summit, where he knew it all.\n\n\"Name one of the main events that led to the passage of the Stamp Act.\" \"The what? \"\n\n\"The Stamp Act? You know this! I know you know this,\" Bethesda pleaded. She threw back a swallow of her kiwi-lime Snapple and looked desperately at Tenny, thinking hard about what led to the Stamp Act\u2014French and Indian War, French and Indian War, French and Indian War\u2014because maybe if she _thought_ it hard enough, she could _will_ him to know.\n\n\"I, uh... let's see.\"\n\n\"Come on, Tenny. The Stamp Act? The buildup to the Revolution? We made a whole flowchart for this!\" \"Oh, yeah,\" said Tenny weakly.\n\n\"Okay.\"\n\nPause.\n\n\"Wait, what's a flowchart again? \" Bethesda the Mountain Climber watched as the peak of Everest disappeared behind cloud cover.\n\n* * *\n\n\"Honey? Hi.\"\n\nPamela Preston's mother nudged open the door to her daughter's bedroom, bearing a tray of premium organic snack crackers, sliced locally grown apples, and a cup of warm nonfat milk. Pamela looked up, irritated.\n\n\"You've been holed up in here all evening.\" Pamela's mother smiled gently. \"Pam-Pam, darling, are you having boy trouble?\"\n\n\"What? No.\"\n\n\"You're not?\"\n\n\"No. I'm trying to solve a mystery.\"\n\n\"Oh, I know, dear, I know,\" answered her mom, lightly placing the snack tray on Pamela's bedside table and settling down on the bed. \"Boys _can_ be a mystery.\"\n\nPamela turned around in her desk chair to glare at her mother. \"No, Mom. I'm trying to solve an actual, important mystery.\"\n\n\"Oh, dear.\"\n\n\"So I would appreciate some peace and quiet.\" \"Very well, darling.\" \"Thank you.\"\n\nAs her mother rose, Pamela glanced up. \"Leave the crackers.\"\n\nPamela waited until her mother pulled the door shut and returned to her careful examination of the clues she had arranged in front of her. She'd gotten Bethesda's notes with just the teensiest bit of trickery: She called to say how much she admired Bethesda's Special Project, and how embarrassed she was that hers was such a nightmare\u2014and could she borrow Bethesda's notes to just, like, try to figure out how she had done it?\n\nBethesda had seemed sort of touched, actually, which made Pamela feel bad for about one half of one second. Until she remembered what was at stake. As in, the whole entire _universe._\n\nPamela bent over Bethesda's notes, idly running a finger through her blond curls as she tried to make sense of it all. A bunch of old articles from these magazines no one had ever heard of. Some notes in Bethesda's irritatingly careful handwriting, describing her conversation with Ms. Zmuda about the tattoo.\n\nAnd the so-called set list.\n\nPamela studied it carefully. Was it _really_ just a set list? Maybe Bethesda was wrong. Maybe it was a secret code after all! A code that had to be cracked. Some sort of message\u2014but from who?\n\n_Oh my god,_ she thought suddenly. _Aliens. Ms. Finkleman is an alien!_\n\nAnd then she thought: _Pamela! Enough with the stupid aliens!_\n\nDownstairs, Mrs. Preston settled into a living-room chair and smiled lovingly at her husband, who was engrossed in a mystery novel called _Murdered... For Good._\n\n\"What? \" he said finally, without looking up.\n\n\"Oh, nothing,\" she said with a wistful sigh. \"Our little Pamela is having boy problems.\"\n\n# [18\n\n\"ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!\"](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c18)\n\n_By mid-March,_ Project SWT was under way almost every night, meaning that Bethesda was hanging out with Tenny Boyer more than her best friends. Of course, if they told people they were studying together they'd have to say _why:_ it would give away the whole secret arrangement. So at school, they remained strangers. Bethesda still had lunch with the Schwartz sisters and Violet Kelp, and Tenny still had lunch by himself, listening to his iPod and bobbing his head, reading a magazine or scrawling ideas for the rock show in a spiral notebook.\n\nThe only thing was, when Tenny and Bethesda passed each other in the hallway, he gave her this tiny little nod, and she gave him a tiny little nod back. Like, for example, every day when Bethesda was on the way from third period to fourth period and she passed Tenny at the Hallway C water fountain going the opposite way.\n\nOne day she lingered by the water fountain for over two minutes, waiting for him so they could nod, but he never walked by. (That night he explained that Mrs. Petrides had held him after because he fell asleep during a vocab drill.)\n\n_Oh, well,_ she thought glumly as she sat down for fourth period.\n\nShe really liked the little nod thing.\n\n\"Oh my god\u2014it's her! Wait, is that her?\"\n\n\"Yeah! Whoa!\"\n\n\"Are you sure? She looks so... boring.\" \"I know!\"\n\nMs. Finkleman kept walking, keeping her head down.\n\nThe revelations, about her \"secret past\" and the new plans for the Choral Corral, had spread through the school like a fever. Ms. Ida Finkleman, aka Little Miss Mystery, was the subject of every conversation, and her Band and Chorus room the epicenter of a great continuous whirl of excited speculation. The details about the rock show were a closely held secret, and students traded rumors about what songs were going to be in the show, who was playing what, and (as one particularly electrifying rumor had it) who would be biting the head off a live chicken during the finale.\n\nAnd so Ms. Finkleman, the timid little agouti who for so long had survived in the jungles of Mary Todd Lincoln Middle School by remaining nameless and faceless, a total unknown, had suddenly been plucked from the protective obscurity of the underbrush and thrown out into the harsh sunlit glare of the savannah. Everywhere Ms. Finkleman looked, someone was staring, looking her up and down, taking her measure. As she emerged from her teal Honda Civic in the faculty parking lot, kids ran up, took furtive cellphone pictures, and ran away. As she traveled the hallways, students pointed at her and giggled nervously, whispering behind their hands. Every time she entered the teachers' lounge, she discovered her colleagues having animated conversations that ended abruptly as soon as she came in.\n\nEven the Band and Chorus room, long her private sanctuary in the howling wilderness, was no longer safe. Yesterday Principal Van Vreeland had \"popped in to offer support,\" but the principal's support was not terribly supportive, especially when she just stood in the back of the room, dancing. Ms. Finkleman could imagine nothing more distracting than having the school's highest official doing her bizarre, gyrating, snakelike dance moves\u2014unless it was when she was joined by the assistant principal, Jasper, who stood next to her, clapping his hands at odd intervals and shifting back and forth like the Frankenstein monster.\n\nThe day before that, it had been Mr. Darlington, the lanky, awkward science teacher, who stopped by midway through their rehearsal period.\n\n\"Can I help you?\"\n\n\"I just needed to, uh, borrow a, uh, music stand for an experiment we're doing,\" said Mr. Darlington, adjusting his black horn-rim glasses on the bridge of his nose. \"On the chemical properties of, uh...\" Mr. Darlington trailed off, smiling lamely. \"Music stands.\"\n\n\"That's fine,\" Ms. Finkleman said impatiently, motioning toward the cluster of music stands in the back of the room. But instead of fetching one and leaving, Mr. Darlington grabbed a clementine off her desk and folded his spindly frame into a student chair to watch Half-Eaten Almond Joy practice \"Livin' on a Prayer\"\u2014while, presumably, his sixth-grade chemistry students watched a filmstrip.\n\n\"One! Two! _One, two, three, four!_ \"\n\nTenny called out the tempo, played the opening lick, and the Careless Errors started in on \"Holiday.\" Ezra McClellan clabbered away at the drums, carefully counting to himself as he played, muttering under his breath to keep himself on rhythm. Lisa Deckter, who was a violinist, really, and still getting the hang of guitar, stared at her fingers as they churned out the rhythm riff that drove the song. Pamela Preston looked totally bored, shaking her maracas with obvious distaste.\n\nBethesda Fielding began to sing, nervous and tentative, pushing a loose strand of reddish tannish hair away from her mouth. \"Let's go away for a while,\" she sang, \"you and me, to a strange and distant land...\"\n\nWith each phrase she moved a little closer to the microphone, and then a little farther back, unsure of how close you were supposed to stand. The mike was set too tall for her, and she couldn't figure out how to get it closer to her mouth. When she got to the end of the third line (\"Where they speak no word of truth\"), she somehow took a big step forward with her right foot just as she jerked the stand up with her left hand, and it smacked her in the tooth. \"Ouch!\" she said, really loud and right into the microphone. The sudden noise totally messed up Ezra's rhythm.\n\nOnly Tenny Boyer, coloring the spots between vocal lines with fills (basically little mini-guitar solos) was completely comfortable. Eyes half shut, head thrown back, lips slightly parted, he looked like a rock-and-roll superstar.\n\nBethesda recovered her equilibrium in time to stammer out the words of the chorus (\"Holllllllliday! Far away!\"). As the song chugged forward, Bethesda looked at Tenny with awe. _He's like a totally different person._\n\n\"All right, folks,\" said Ms. Finkleman, clapping her hands sharply as soon as the Careless Errors managed to get to the end. \"Let's move on.\"\n\nMs. Finkleman sounded different these days. Her kids noticed, of course, and figured it was only natural. They assumed that this new voice\u2014icy, tough, unemotional\u2014was that of the punk-rock lady who had emerged from within the nerdy band teacher. The truth was a little more complicated. There had been a time in Ms. Finkleman's life when rock and roll had been the most important thing to her. But now, to hear these songs, this music, was the last thing she wanted. So to protect herself, she didn't _let_ herself hear it: She listened to the practice sessions without hearing. She watched without seeing. She stood with arms crossed, trying her hardest to experience no emotion at all. And she spoke in the voice of a woman who was there in the room, but at the same time a million miles away.\n\nLet Tenny pay attention, she thought as the Careless Errors set down their instruments and went back to their seats. Let him be in charge. Just get through this, and then life will go back to how it's supposed to be.\n\n\"Okay,\" she said. \"'I Got You' folks? You're up.\"\n\n\"One! Two! _One, two, three, four!_ \"\n\nChester Hu clicked his sticks together as he called out the groove, and Band Number One lit into \"I Got You.\" Victor Glebe played the bass with his eyes shut tight, trying to see the next note with his mind, like a Jedi. Bessie Stringer blew feverishly into her baritone sax, her eyes wide, her cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk. As he drummed, Chester mumbled the words of the song, because he had timed his snare hits to the lyrics; Rachel Portnoy, the singer, glanced at Chester every once in a while because she kept forgetting the words.\n\nBut all of them were happy.\n\nUnlike their teacher, the students of sixth-period Music Fundamentals were having a great time. The Choral Corral, their moment in the spotlight, was still over a month away, but their lives had already been transformed. Every time a teacher \"stopped by\" to watch them in awe, every fresh rumor that made the rounds, further confirmed their status as the new celebrities of Mary Todd Lincoln Middle School. And nor were they celebrities for something school related, like Lana Pinfield, that girl from Grover Cleveland who came in fourth in the National Spelling Bee three years ago. No, the students of sixth-period Music Fundamentals were _rock_ celebrities, and no one could imagine anything cooler.\n\nChester had been carrying his drumsticks everywhere he went, their tips poking from the inside of his coat like twin badges of honor. Carmine Lopez was inspired to carry his guitar case everywhere he went, even to gym class, where it was mildly dented by a flying dodgeball.\n\n\"Hey, aren't you in Ms. Finkleman's sixth-period class?\" kids would say to them, rushing up to the Schwartz sisters or Rory Daas or Hayley Eisenstein or whoever. \"That is _so_ awesome.\"\n\nThey even had their own language. Once, during one particularly raucous practice session (when the members of Half-Eaten Almond Joy had finally played \"Livin' on a Prayer\" all the way through, while all the others improvised a praying-themed group dance), Lisa Deckter had suddenly called out, \"That is so R.\" And when everyone looked at her, she said, \"You know\u2014R. As in, Rock? \"\n\nSoon they were all ranking everything\u2014pencils, lessons, teachers, movies, food, whatever\u2014by its relative rockfulness. Something that was good was R. Something that was _really_ good was WR, or Way Rock. Something that was so good you couldn't stand it was Totally Way Rock, or TWR.\n\n\"This macaroni and cheese is WR! \" the kids of sixth-period Music Fundamentals would say. Or \"A pop quiz? That is so UR! \" (As in, Un-Rock.) Or \"Hey, the cafeteria was damaged in a grease fire\u2014so they're ordering pizza for school lunch! That is TWR! \"\n\nAnd, as late March moved inexorably toward April, Ms. Finkleman's students got better and better at rock.\n\n\"One! Two! _One, two, three, four!_ \"\n\nKevin McKelvey counted in \"Livin' on a Prayer.\" As Half-Eaten Almond Joy played, Tenny sat in the back of the room, watching, his eyes flickering from deep inside his blue-hooded sweatshirt. If anyone glanced over, they'd think it was just good ol' Tenny, spacing out as usual. You'd never guess his mind was whirring like a motor, clocking mistakes, listing corrections.\n\nHe noticed that Carmine Lopez's chording was woefully imprecise. He noticed that Rory Daas kept messing up the chorus, which only had about six words in it. He noticed that Hayley Eisenstein's bass strap was in serious need of adjustment.\n\nBut somewhere along the way, Tenny realized something: This is gonna be good. This is gonna be _really_ good.\n\nAs he played chords with his left hand, Kevin McKelvey sawed the air with his right, keeping time. The blue-blazered Piano Kid had emerged as the leader of the eighties rock band, and the others all looked to him for tempo. When he was satisfied that they were with him, Kevin brought both hands back down on the keyboard. His fingers leaped aggressively across the keys.\n\nKevin had easily mastered \"Livin' on a Prayer.\" Actually, he had moved on from \"Livin' on a Prayer\" to mastering all the other songs of Bon Jovi. As he learned each number, he studied the way the band's keyboardist, David Bryan, handled them. What had seemed easy at first now seemed extraordinarily clever, the work of a virtuoso musician finding small trills and little pockets of melody to make simple songs glorious.\n\nFrom there, Kevin kept going. He had been using his hours and hours of daily piano practice to conduct a self-guided tour of all the greats of rock piano, from Little Richard to Billy Joel to Fiona Apple to Ben Folds. He had discovered that rock was about more than musicianship\u2014it was about facial expression and physical contortion and, and, and... _attitude._\n\nKevin McKelvey had been working on his attitude.\n\nNow, on the final chorus of \"Livin' on a Prayer,\" he did something he had been meaning to try for a while. He kicked one foot out from under the keyboard, slipped off his tan loafer, and played a concluding glissando with his toes.\n\nThe class burst into applause. \"Whoa!\" everyone yelled. Chester Hu, as usual, yelled loudest of all. \"That is TWR!\"\n\nKevin gave a little salute and slipped back into his loafer.\n\nLittle Miss Mystery rapped her baton on the music stand, cutting off the applause. \"Let's do it one more time.\"\n\n\"Hey,\" said Ellis Walters, Half-Eaten's drummer, as he rubbed sweat off the back of his neck with a paper towel. \"Maybe it's time for you to practice singing the song with us, Ms. Finkleman. I mean, that's still going to be part of the show, right? \"\n\n\"Yes,\" she replied quickly, her voice echoing distantly. \"But not yet. We're not ready for that yet.\"\n\nThat same Friday afternoon, the last school day in March, Ms. Finkleman was walking distractedly through the parking lot. She was thinking about Ellis's question\u2014she knew that soon enough she would indeed have to get up there, take the microphone and actually start singing along as she had promised. The idea turned her stomach. _Soon, Ida,_ she counseled herself. _Soon this will all be over._\n\nThe final bell had rung and she was walking from the schoolroom door to her teal Honda Civic when she passed by a knot of kids lounging in the bright warmth of the first truly gorgeous spring day. These were the kind of kids of whom Ms. Finkleman the agouti was most fearful. They were like leopards, bright and sleek and supremely self-possessed. As she passed them, the two boys were playing a game that involved smacking each other hard on the back of the head, while the three girls laughed high flights of laughter and tossed their chestnut hair in the spring wind. Ms. Finkleman lowered her head and hurried by, a stack of sheet music clutched to her chest.\n\nThen she heard it. Clapping. _Oh, terrific,_ she thought. _Ironic applause. How delightful. After years of barely knowing who I am, kids are now mocking me._\n\nBut then, from the corner of her eye, she saw that the kids weren't just clapping\u2014they were standing up. She stopped walking. And she saw in their expressions the same frank awe and admiration she saw every day from her own students in sixth-period Music Fundamentals.\n\nThey weren't mocking her. These kids were _seriously_ applauding.\n\n\"Yeah, Ms. Finkleman!\" they shouted, and she ventured to give them a little wave. \"You rule!\"\n\n\"Ms. Finkleman rocks!\"\n\nMs. Finkleman got in her Civic, turned on the engine, and\u2014she couldn't help it\u2014she smiled.\n\n# [19\n\nCHRISTMAS LIGHTS](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c19)\n\n_That night,_ at exactly 6:53 p.m., Tenny Boyer was sitting on a beanbag chair on the floor of his room, furiously writing out notes from that afternoon's rehearsal. He cast occasional agitated glances at the clock, which was a collector's item he'd gotten off eBay. It featured a photograph of the legendary guitarist Pete Townshend of The Who, midway through one of his trademark windmill guitar moves, in which he would bring his hand all the way above his head, pick gripped tightly, before bringing it down in a mighty swoop to hit the next power chord. Pete's windmilling right hand was the minute hand of Tenny's bedroom clock; with each tick forward, it was telling him to get up and leave.\n\nBut Tenny had a lot more to do. He wracked his brain, trying to remember everything the three bands weren't nailing yet. Directing the rock show would be a lot easier if he could just take notes in class\u2014but then, of course, everyone would know it was him, not Ms. Finkleman, who was in charge.\n\nOkay, so, let's see. He needed to make sure that on the final chorus of \"Holiday\" all the Careless Errors sang backup, so the song would have a nice, satisfying build. Lisa was doing it, but Ezra needed to relax about his drumming and chime in, and so did that sulky blond girl on the maracas\u2014what was her name? Pamela.\n\nAs for Half-Eaten Almond Joy, they had problems of their own. A big eighties-rock stadium song like \"Livin' on a Prayer\" should definitely have a kind of ragged quality, but they were sounding downright sloppy. Carmine Lopez was enjoying himself a little too much on rhythm guitar, dancing around and waggling his tongue. Of course there was room in rock for a little tongue wagglin', but you gotta keep the rhythm\u2014that's why it's called _rhythm_ guitar! And as for what's-his-face in the suit, the Piano Kid...\n\nTenny stared out his window for a second, pencil idle. He was thinking he should tell Ms. Finkleman to have the Piano Kid dial it down a little with all the goofball stuff. Tenny liked showmanship as much as the next guy, but Kevin (that was his name, Kevin) was starting to get a little over the top, vigorously bouncing up and down on the piano bench during his solos and whooping \"whoo-hoos!\" like Little Richard. But then Tenny crossed out the note. Better to let the Piano Kid have his fun. _Something about that guy,_ Tenny thought. _That guy needs to rock._\n\nPete Townshend's hand clicked forward meaningfully. Tenny muttered, \"Argle bargle,\" an expression he had picked up from Bethesda. He knew there was something he was forgetting. What was it?\n\n_Oh! Duh!_\n\nTenny scrawled it in big letters at the very bottom of the page, his best idea ever.\n\n**(e?)** _NSCONV_\n\nTenny gave a grunt of satisfaction and set down his pencil as Pete's hand reached directly above his head. Time to go to Bethesda's house.\n\nPamela Preston stared at the evidence again. _Come on, Pammy. You can figure this out._\n\nShe was still trying to solve the mystery of why Little Miss Mystery had given up her rock-star existence and why she'd kept it a secret up till now. She'd sifted through Bethesda's Special Project notes a thousand times; she had skulked around the Band and Chorus room digging for clues and found nothing but a boring teacher's room, with a boring desk and a boring bowl of clementines. She had even swallowed her pride and gone to the stupid Wilkersholm Memorial Public Library and dug through the newspaper archives, looking for anything about Ms. Finkleman that Bethesda hadn't uncovered.\n\nNow, Pamela turned back to the set list. _What had Bethesda missed? Wait! Where was the date? When was this set list from? Maybe\u2014maybe it was from Little Miss Mystery's last show! And maybe it was a total failure!_\n\n_And maybe that's why she quit being a rock star! Because she stank at it! And... and... and it's so embarrassing... and..._\n\nShe crunkled her water bottle and growled. _And maybe I've got nothing._\n\n\"Oh, forget it! \" she cried, hurling the bottle across the room. \"I give up! \"\n\n\"What do you mean, give up? \"\n\nPamela's father, a tall man with a furrowed brow and a bristly black mustache, stood in her doorway with his arms crossed, a paperback mystery called _Murdered... Again_ dangling from one hand.\n\n\"It's nothing, Father,\" Pamela answered glumly, fishing around under her bed for the maracas. _I might as well practice my supplemental percussion,_ she thought miserably as she pulled them out. \"Don't worry about it.\"\n\n\"I will worry about it, Pamela Preston. I distinctly heard you say that you give up, and I'd like to know what you're giving up on.\" He cocked his head and gave a strained half smile. \"These aren't, uh, more of the boy problems your mother keeps\u2014\"\n\n\"No! I'm not having any boy problems. It's just\u2014it's just...\"\n\nPamela burst into tears. Her father's uncomfortable smile grew more uncomfortable. \"There, there,\" he said, still standing in the doorway of her bedroom with his arms folded. \"There, there.\"\n\nThen Pamela, her chin quivering, said, \"I need to find a way to make this dumb teacher do what I want her to do! And there's this secret information that I could use to, like, _force_ her to do it.\" Pamela took a heaving breath and dabbed at her eyes with the corner of her frilly lilac bedspread.\n\n\"Ah,\" her father said, nodding thoughtfully. \"Blackmail. My little girl is growing up so fast.\"\n\n\"Well, except, I can't figure out the secret. So I give up. I give up! \"\n\n\"Oh, no, you don't, young lady.\" Pamela's father stepped into her room and sat down next to her on the bed and looked her right in the eye. \"We are Prestons, Pamela. And Prestons _never_ give up.\"\n\nPamela sniffled. \"We don't?\"\n\n\"If you want to blackmail this teacher, by gum, you go in there and you do it.\" He thumped his mystery novel on his knee for emphasis. \"And if you don't have the dirt you need on her, well then, you just stand up straight, hold your head high, and _bluff.\"_ As he spoke, Pamela sat up straighter and stuck out her chin. \"You bluff your little pants off, Pamela Preston! You hear me? \"\n\nPamela looked back at him resolutely, her final tear rapidly drying on her cheek.\n\n\"I love you, Daddy!\"\n\n\"Yes, well,\" he muttered, blushing. \"Go to sleep.\"\n\n\"You're late,\" said Bethesda Fielding, impatiently gesturing Tenny inside. \"Sorry.\"\n\nTenny slouched into the kitchen and ran his hand through his hair. As always, Bethesda's kitchen smelled richly of buttered microwave popcorn; as always, Bethesda's dad yelled, \"Hey, Tenny,\" from the living room, where he was working his way through a root beer float and staring at the Weather Channel.\n\n\"All right,\" Bethesda said. \"Let's get to it.\"\n\nIn her imagination, Bethesda adjusted her top hat and cracked a whip. Lately she had dropped the whole Bethesda Fielding, Mountain Climber thing and thought of herself as Bethesda Fielding, Lion Tamer. The task of preparing Tenny Boyer for Mr. Melville's test was the lion. Or, wait\u2014maybe Tenny was the lion. Or maybe Bethesda was the whip, and Mr. Melville was the lion... oh, what did it matter? Bethesda the Lion Tamer wasn't doing any better than Bethesda Fielding the Mountain Climber, Bethesda the Riverboat Pilot, or Bethesda the World War I Flying Ace. After six weeks of intense studying, with Melville adding more material every day, Tenny Boyer knew exactly as much as he had when they started: nothing.\n\n\"Let's refresh,\" Bethesda began. \"The Quartering Act. What do you\u2014\"\n\n\"Oh, hey,\" Tenny interrupted. \"I had the raddest idea for an encore. I was thinking\u2014\"\n\n\"Stop, Tenny! Come _on,\"_ Bethesda answered sharply. \"We are not talking about the rock show tonight.\"\n\n\"But it's really coming up soon, dude.\"\n\n\"The test is coming up really soon, too!\" Bethesda gestured helplessly at her copy of _A More Perfect Union._ \"Remember? Any day now Mr. Melville is going to announce the Floating Midterm. He could do it tomorrow! And when he does, we're only going to have one night left.\"\n\n\"Yeah,\" Tenny said glumly.\n\n\"I mean, I'm sorry to be harsh, but to be totally honest, I feel like you're just as far behind as when we started.\" Bethesda had been wanting to say something like this for a few days. She still didn't really _know_ Tenny\u2014their entire relationship consisted of A) secretly nodding at each other by the Hallway C water fountain, and B) sitting around her table failing to study American history\u2014but she felt like they had started to become friends, in this weird way. Which is why she felt comfortable being kind of stern: It was for his own good. He had to pass this test! \"We have to make some kind of breakthrough here, or you're really sunk.\"\n\n\"I know.\" He sounded miserable.\n\n\"Well, whenever you're stumped on social studies,\" which, Bethesda didn't add, was constantly, \"instead of figuring it out, you change the subject to the rock show.\"\n\n\"All right. So let's... let's just\u2014\"\n\nBut it was too late: Bethesda was on a roll. \"I don't get you, Tenny. You're the one who needs help. You're the one who's going to fail this test, and this subject, and probably have to go to St. Francis Xavier. Ms. Finkleman is trying to do you a favor here, and so am I. But I can't if all you want to talk about all the time is the rock show.\"\n\nSuddenly it was really quiet. Bethesda had been speaking louder than she meant to. For a long moment, the two kids didn't say anything. Tenny picked up one of the pencils Bethesda had left out for him and chewed on the eraser. Bethesda walked silently to the fridge and opened a mango passionberry Snapple. In the other room, Bethesda's dad talked to the television. \"What? You think you can outrun a hurricane? You can't outrun a hurricane, pal.\" As she sat back at the table, Bethesda noticed that Tenny was absently making guitar chords with his fingers. _He probably doesn't even realize he's doing that._ She thought. _Like me, with the sneaker squeaking._\n\n\"It's not...\" Tenny trailed off.\n\n\"What?\"\n\n\"It's not that I don't _want_ to learn this stuff, dude\u2014Bethesda. I mean, Bethesda.\" \"That's okay.\"\n\n\"It's just\u2014it's my brain. I have, like, a brain problem.\"\n\nBethesda sipped her Snapple. They were wasting time. They should stop talking and just get to work. But there was something about the way Tenny was sitting, with his eyes most of the way closed, his head tilted slightly forward, like he was trying to look inside his head and examine his own problematic brain that made her wait quietly until he spoke again.\n\n\"It's, like, inside my brain, everything you say is gray.\"\n\n\"Um, thanks?\"\n\n\"Not everything. Not, like, 'How are you?' But all this history stuff is gray. And gross. All these wars, and the guys in their funny hats with their guns and stuff. It's all gray.\"\n\n\"I think I know what you mean,\" said Bethesda. Then she predicted what he was going to say next, which was a nervous habit Bethesda sometimes had during serious conversations. Tenny would say that when he thought about the rock show, everything was in color. And she knew how she would respond: for _her,_ the opposite was true. Rock was essentially boring and gray, but _history_ was colorful.\n\nBut as it turned out, Bethesda had predicted incorrectly.\n\n\"When we're working on the rock show, or I'm thinking about it, it's not gray. It's _black.\"_\n\n\"Huh?\" said Bethesda, and then smiled\u2014she sounded like Tenny.\n\n\"Yeah. It's like I'm in a room where everything is totally black,\" Tenny continued. \"Weird, right? Then when the chords start, or a big backbeat kicks in, one by one, all these little lights go on. Like those little lights you buy on a string. What do you call them? \"\n\n\"Christmas lights.\"\n\n\"Exactly.\"\n\nBethesda loved Christmas lights. Every year her father spent three days stringing the house with them, and he usually fell off the roof at some point and ended up hanging by the gutters. And it usually took seven tries before they would all light up. Every year he vowed that it wasn't worth the effort and he would never do it again. But every year he did, and it was always worth it. Bethesda _loved_ Christmas lights.\n\n\"And so, when I'm thinking about the rock show,\" Tenny went on, \"or, you know, when I'm actually _listening_ to music, it's like my mind goes to perfect, beautiful black, and then it fills with Christmas lights. And they're flickering and buzzing and making all these wild patterns.\"\n\nHe paused for a second, lifted his head and opened his eyes, and looked right at Bethesda for the first time that night. She realized that it was the first time he had looked directly at her since they began studying together six weeks ago.\n\n\"You know what I mean? \"\n\n\"Yeah,\" said Bethesda. \"I do.\"\n\nTenny sort of shrugged his shoulders. \"Anyway, I just want you to know that I _know_ what a pain it is, tutoring me, and I'm sorry. I promise I'll try and focus. It's just... you know, these, uh...\"\n\n\"Christmas lights,\" Bethesda concluded.\n\n\"Yeah.\"\n\n\"Okay,\" she said softly. \"So, let's get to work.\"\n\nAs anyone who has lived through Mrs. Petrides's English Language Arts class and her Thursday vocabulary drills can tell you, the word _paradox_ means \"something that contradicts itself.\" And the moment the words \"Let's get to work\" escaped Bethesda Fielding's mouth\u2014and she tied her hair in a ponytail and put on her fiercest, most determined face\u2014her situation became deeply paradoxical.\n\nBecause at that moment she knew that she was done for. There was no chance that all the work she had put in was going to pay off. After six weeks of intense studying, after all of her tricks of the imagination, early American history was a big gray mush for Tenny Boyer, and it was going to stay that way.\n\nBut also, at the _very same moment,_ she was more determined than ever for him to pass the Floating Midterm. Not just for Ms. Finkleman (to make up to her for revealing her secret past to the world), and not just for herself (to prove that she was a terrific tutor), but for Tenny himself. She couldn't give up on him.\n\nShe liked him\u2014though Bethesda didn't exactly _know_ that she liked him.\n\nAnd she definitely didn't know that the fact that she liked him was about to change both of their lives forever.\n\n# [20\n\nONE MORE PART OF THE SECRET](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c20)\n\n_\"Little Miss_ Mystery! Wait up!\"\n\nMs. Finkleman stopped, startled, in the mostly empty parking lot. She'd been arriving at school super early every day to meet with Tenny Boyer, so she could get that day's notes from him in secret. So it was a bit unnerving when, one day in early April, she stepped out of her Honda Civic forty-five minutes before the first bell and heard someone calling out to her, frantically. Especially since he was calling her by that ridiculous name, which she still couldn't get used to. After all, until a few weeks ago, it was a name she hadn't thought about\u2014in fact had tried with strenuous effort _not_ to think about\u2014for years.\n\n\"Miss Mystery!\"\n\nThe student racing toward her was one she had never seen before, with wild eyes and hair a mess, waving some sort of rumpled blue flag over his head to get her attention.\n\n\"Hey, I was\u2014I was hoping to catch you,\" the kid panted, out of breath and twittering with excitement. \"Miss Mystery, I want to\u2014there's something I've really gotta tell you.\"\n\nThe student was hunched over, trying to catch his breath. And with a start, Ms. Finkleman realized that she _did_ know him. It wasn't a flag that now hung limply from his left hand, gently flapping in the spring breeze. It was a navy blue blazer.\n\n\"Kevin?\"\n\n\"Yes. Hi. Okay, so,\" Kevin McKelvey began, his chest still heaving. \"My father came home last night. He, um, he's been away for, like, two months, playing Prokofiev in the National Symphony Hall in Beijing.\"\n\n\"Wow,\" murmured Ms. Finkleman. She loved Prokofiev.\n\n\"Whatever,\" Kevin said, and shook his head rapidly, dismissively. Prokofiev was not the point. \"As soon as he got home my mom took him aside for this extremely urgent conversation. She told him how I haven't been practicing for my stupid recitals since I've been doing all this stuff for your class.\"\n\nMs. Finkleman's brow creased. Just what she needed: An angry concert pianist. \"Oh?\"\n\n\"Yeah,\" Kevin continued, speaking very rapidly. \"And at first I was going to apologize and say I was sorry and that I would rededicate myself to the fine art of classical piano, and have respect for myself and for my instrument, and all that stuff. Because, you know, my dad, he's really... he's my _dad,_ you know? \"\n\n\"Take a breath, Kevin.\"\n\nKevin took a breath. \"But instead I sort of heard myself talking all about Little Miss Mystery. All about you. I had to explain who you were and about your old band and stuff, because of course my father had never heard of it. Anyway, I said that\u2014well, I told him that rock music had really changed me. I think I said it altered the substance of my soul. Weird, right? But how now at last I could feel the joy in the piano that I was always supposed to feel and, and, and...\"\n\nMs. Finkleman took a deep breath of her own. _Oh, boy._\n\n\"And?\"\n\n\"And they grounded me, but I said they would have to chain me to the wall if they thought they would keep me out of the rock show. And we yelled a lot. Basically, it was the worst conversation I've ever had in my whole life.\"\n\n\"Oh,\" said Ms. Finkleman. \"Oh, dear. Well, Kevin, I'm really sorry about this. What can I do?\"\n\nKevin squinted at her, confused. \"Do? No, I\u2014\" He paused. \"I just wanted to say thank you.\"\n\nAnd then, in one quick movement, he took a step forward and hugged her tightly. \"Thank you so much.\" And then he ran off.\n\nFive minutes later, Ms. Finkleman slipped down Hallway A, took a right at the broken water fountain, and pushed open a door that said DARKROOM. The Mary Todd Lincoln photography program had been abruptly discontinued two years ago, when a kid named Tino something-or-other had won a contest for kids, held by a national photography magazine, with an \"abstract\" photo that turned out to be of his own butt. Nobody used the room anymore, which made it the perfect place for Ms. Finkleman and Tenny Boyer to conduct their secret sessions.\n\nShe waited silently in the red glowing semidarkness, sipping her English breakfast tea and breathing the sour chemical tang that still haunted in the room. _Oh, Kevin,_ she thought. _If only you knew._\n\nAfter a moment, Tenny Boyer pushed open the door of the darkroom, and he and Ms. Finkleman had the same brief introductory conversation they'd had every morning since preparations for the rock show began.\n\n\"Hey.\"\n\n\"Did anyone see you?\" \"Nope.\"\n\n\"All right. Quickly please. \"\n\n\"Okay,\" Tenny began. \"'Livin' on a Prayer.' Carmine is playing sloppy, and he's really gotta get it together. Push him, he'll crack it.\"\n\n\"Fine.\"\n\n\"And for the Careless Errors, what's up with Pamela? Tell her she can't stand there holding her maracas and scowling. She's gotta get into it.\"\n\n\"Fine.\"\n\nTenny flipped rapidly through his thick spiral notebook, checking off each item as he relayed it to Ms. Finkleman. \"Oh, on 'I Got You,' Tucker and Bessie have to work on that dance step. Drill them until it's in their bones.\"\n\n\"Fine.\"\n\n\"Braxton, on 'Holiday,' he's got to stay out of the way. He's trying out fills, but it sounds like a big mush, especially during the hush-hush part, the breakdown. Kevin can improvise, but not Braxton. He gets carried away and knocks the keyboard off the stand.\" \"Fine.\"\n\n\"Oh, and Chester is killing me. Tell him to loosen up on the backbeat. It's James Brown, he's not in the marching band anymore.\"\n\nMs. Finkleman looked at her watch. \"Anything else? \"\n\n\"Um, um...\" Tenny flipped frantically through his book. \"Yes! Oh! The best thing. The encore. They're gonna want one, so we've gotta be ready. I say we call everybody back out on stage, all the kids, plus you, of course\u2014and we do 'Not So Complicated.' By the Red Herrings. Perfect, right? \"\n\nMs. Finkleman drew a sharp breath.\n\n_No! No!_\n\nBut what could she say? Of course Tenny was right\u2014it only made sense. \"Fine.\"\n\n\"Great! \" Tenny pushed back the hood of his sweatshirt and beamed. \"Oh my god. This show is going to be so wicked! Don't you think?\"\n\nMs. Finkleman managed a small smile. These surreptitious morning meetings were difficult for her. The truth was, she liked Tenny. His sloppy enthusiasm was really rather charming. But it was that very enthusiasm\u2014 that anxious, excitable energy\u2014that reminded Ms. Finkleman of every rock person she had ever known, and one rock person in particular. Face-to-face with Tenny Boyer in the red dark of the abandoned photo lab, Ms. Finkleman found herself wanting to engage seriously with him, to discuss the rock show. To get into it, as he would say. But she mustn't.\n\nInstead, she retreated into teacher mode. \"Tennyson?\" she asked suddenly. \"How is the studying going? \"\n\nThere was a long pause.\n\n\"Uh. Fine.\"\n\n\"Really, Tenny? You feel prepared for Mr. Melville'stest?\"\n\n\"Oh, you know,\" Tenny said with a half smile. \"Getting there.\"\n\n\"Good. Because my understanding is, he may announce the date at any moment.\"\n\n\"Yeah, I know. No, it's going great. Really great.\"\n\n\"Good,\" said Ms. Finkleman again.\n\nMs. Finkleman watched Tenny leave. She fervently hoped he wasn't lying, that he was really learning something from his work with Bethesda. The fact that this academically challenged young man would benefit from the arrangement was the only thing that made it acceptable to involve the children in her ongoing deception. That was her bargain with herself.\n\nShe turned down Hallway C, took a sip of tea, and walked into her classroom.\n\n\"Ah. Ms. Finkleman,\" said a voice. \"What an _unexpected_ pleasure.\"\n\nMs. Finkleman stopped just inside the door. This morning was certainly turning out to be full of surprises. \"Pamela? What are you doing here?\"\n\nPamela Preston sat in Ms. Finkleman's chair, leaning way back, her fingers laced behind her head. Her feet, clad in strappy black sandals, rested confidently on the desk. \"I might ask you the same thing,\" she said with a cunning grin.\n\n\"What do you mean? This is my classroom.\"\n\n\"Oh, right. That's true,\" said Pamela, momentarily confused. She quickly regained her composure and narrowed her eyes at Ms. Finkleman. \"Now. You and I need to have a little chat.\"\n\n\"Oh?\"\n\nMs. Finkleman did not know exactly what to do next. She had never come into her own classroom at 8:45 to find a student sitting in her chair, feet propped up on her desk.\n\n\"Well, make it quick,\" she said simply. \"I've got a lot of work to do this morning.\" Ms. Finkleman began to putter around her room, adjusting music stands, pulling up the blinds that covered the windows.\n\n\"I've discovered a secret about you,\" Pamela said, her voice hardening. \"Or, I should say, a secret about Little Miss Mystery.\"\n\nMs. Finkleman stopped and looked carefully at Pamela Preston. \"Everyone already knows that secret, Pamela.\"\n\n\"Not _all_ of it,\" Pamela replied, in a husky, menacing tone that chillingly reminded Ms. Finkleman of Principal Van Vreeland. \"Not the secret reason why you put your rock-star life behind you and kept it hidden for so long. Nobody knows that part except for me, Ms. Finkleman. And if you don't want it revealed, I'd suggest we get back to rehearsing our traditional English folk ballads. Today.\"\n\nA cold shiver ran up Ms. Finkleman's spine.\n\n_Is it true? Could this obnoxious little girl with the blond ringlets and the lilac perfume have found out the truth? The real truth?_\n\n_And is she_ blackmailing _me?_\n\n\"Okay,\" said Ms. Finkleman, trying to think clearly. \"What's the secret? \"\n\nPamela paused. \"Um, what? \"\n\n\"You say you've found secret information about why I never told anyone I was a rock star. So what's the secret information? \"\n\n\"But you already know what it is. So, um, it's, like, not really necessary for me to tell you.\"\n\nMs. Finkleman felt her heart unclench, and she worked hard to suppress a smile.\n\n\"Well, yes, I know it, and you say that you know it. So before we proceed, why don't you tell me, so I know that you know it. You know? \"\n\nPamela grew red in the face. \"I just do, okay?\" she said stubbornly. \"I know it.\"\n\nFor a child so intent on blackmail, Pamela Preston was a terrible liar. \"Do as I say! \" she insisted hotly, rising from Ms. Finkleman's chair and staring at her. \"Let's go back to the folk ballads and I won't tell everyone the truth! The\u2014the _secret_ truth! \"\n\nBy now it was painfully obvious that Pamela was bluffing. But Ms. Finkleman realized how much she wanted to _let_ herself be bluffed. How easy it would be to just say, \"Okay, Pamela, you got me,\" and call off the whole thing. She could pull _Greensleeves and Other Traditional English Folk Ballads_ back out of her drawer.\n\nShe would have to weather the class's disappointment, and Principal Van Vreeland's fury, but all of this rock unpleasantness would be over. This was it\u2014this was her chance.\n\n\"Well, Pamela, what can I say? I suppose I've got no choice.\"\n\nPamela tilted her blond head and crossed her arms. A victorious smile spread across her face.\n\nBut then Ms. Finkleman remembered her conversation with Tenny Boyer that morning, in the flickering red light of the darkroom. \"Oh my god. This show is going to be so wicked,\" he had said, half declaring it as fact, half asking for her reassurance. \"Don't you think?\" She thought of Chester Hu, whacking away confidently at his drums; of Bessie Stringer and Tucker Wilson gleefully giggling as they stumbled through their dance moves; of Bethesda Fielding, earnest, goofy Bethesda, jumping around with the microphone, singing \"Holiday,\" her pigtails bouncing.\n\nShe remembered Kevin McKelvey. \"Thank you,\" he had said in the parking lot, and hugged her.\n\n\"Actually, Pamela,\" Ms. Finkleman said, and then took a deep breath. _This is it, Little Miss Mystery. No turning back now._ \"Get out.\"\n\n\"What?\"\n\n\"Go now, and we'll both forget that this conversation ever took place.\"\n\n\"But\u2014\"\n\n\"I am the teacher, and I decide on the material. If you have a problem with that, you can quit. Bear in mind, however, that the Choral Corral is a class requirement. If you want to receive a passing grade in Music Fundamentals, you will show up, and you will shake your maracas.\"\n\nPamela stood there, stony faced.\n\n\"Oh, and Pamela? \"\n\n\"Yes?\"\n\n\"Try to get into it a little, won't you?\"\n\nPamela Preston slunk miserably back down Hallway C, casting dirty looks at everyone she saw. Kevin McKelvey sat in the cafeteria, playing air piano on a bench, his blue blazer crumpled up beside him. Weird, spacey Tenny Boyer stood at his locker, humming that annoying Weezer song, smelling vaguely of chemicals for some reason. Bethesda Fielding sat thoughtfully at her desk in Mr. Melville's room.\n\n\"Oh, hi, Pamela,\" Bethesda bubbled. \"Neat shoes.\"\n\nEver since Pamela had called Bethesda out of nowhere and asked for her Special Project notes, Bethesda had been acting like they were best friends or something. Like they were seven years old again and swimming for the L'il Otters. Like Bethesda hadn't ruthlessly stolen the spotlight away from her. \"Hey, Pamela, I'm trying to figure out a way to teach someone something really fast. Any ideas?\"\n\n\"Why don't you figure it out yourself? \" Pamela snapped. \"You're so smart.\"\n\nMeanwhile, in the Band and Chorus room, Ms. Finkleman continued to prepare for her teaching day, pulling the cover off the piano and lining up the music stands before her first-period sixth graders arrived. She took a final sip of English breakfast tea and settled in behind her desk.\n\nThe truth was, there _was_ one more secret, even if Pamela Preston had no idea what it was.\n\nIda Finkleman was not Little Miss Mystery.\n\nShe had never been a rock star in her life.\n\n# [21\n\n\"GREAT BALLS OF FIRE\"](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c21)\n\n_In the_ basement of his father's house, Chester Hu was practicing the drums. In the past several weeks, Chester had been practicing a lot. In the process he had broken seven pairs of drumsticks, fractured his toe, and somehow snapped the hi-hat shut on his left hand, badly bruising his knuckles\u2014but he had kept right on practicing. Every night, and some mornings before school, he went over to his dad's place, picked up the drumsticks, and practiced. Endlessly he hammered away, trying to coordinate his right foot on the bass drum with his left hand on the snare and his right hand on the cymbals. Trying and failing, trying and occasionally nailing it, then\u2014finally\u2014nailing it every time.\n\nChester roared back into the second chorus of \"I Got You,\" whacking away at the snare, rattling the cymbals within an inch of their lives. His bass pedaling was in perfect sync with his snare hits and his hi-hat hand, all of them moving together like gears in a machine. He hollered out the lead vocal as he drummed.\n\n\"I feeeeel good!\" he shouted, feeling very good indeed.\n\nHe looked up at Victor Glebe, who was playing his electric bass with eyes half closed, his face a picture of serene pleasure.\n\n\"This is awesome!\" yelled Chester, his voice barely rising above the combined decibels of bass and drums. Victor nodded. Awesome.\n\nIt was like that all over town. It was Monday night, and the Choral Corral was on Friday\u2014so close the kids of sixth-period Music Fundamentals could practically smell it.\n\nShelly Schwartz played guitar in her room while Susie Schwartz played bass in hers.\n\nLittle Bessie Stringer with her gigantic baritone sax and heavyset Tucker Wilson with his little trumpet practiced their four-step shuffling choreography and played their unison horn parts. Rory Daas, lead singer for Half-Eaten Almond Joy, preened and strutted across the floor with a mop for a microphone, singing \"Livin' on a Prayer\" for his brother Declan (age three) and Declan's playdate, Sami (age two and three quarters). Outside the kitchen, Rory's mother stood with arms crossed, deciding whether to call a pre-adolescent therapist she had heard good things about.\n\nKevin McKelvey, his navy blue blazer and red-striped tie balled up in a heap on the floor of his room, was exuberantly playing \"Great Balls of Fire.\" In two and a half hours, his father would be boarding an overnight flight to Perth for a month of performances with the Australian National Symphony. To avoid another screaming argument with his parents, all Kevin had to do was stay in here until he left for the airport. So he had wheeled the giant antique Steinway around 180 degrees to block the entrance to his room.\n\n\"Come out of there, young man,\" his father called.\n\nKevin was passing the time with a Jerry Lee Lewis marathon. \"You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain!\" he sang as he played. \"Too much love drives a man insane!\"\n\nKevin's mother banged on the door. \"Enough, Kevin! Enough is enough! \"\n\nKevin sang louder. \"You broke my will! But what a thrill! Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire! \" He stood and kicked the bench away, sticking his butt up in the air as he pounded out the solo. He played it so hard the whole piano shook. The pedals squeaked as he leaned into them with the full weight of his body. Outside the bedroom, Kevin's father's eyes widened as he imagined the horrors being committed upon his grandfather's Steinway.\n\n\"Kevin! \" he shouted. \"If you don't stop right now, we will get rid of that piano.\" Mrs. McKelvey looked at her husband, shocked, but he repeated it. \"So help me god, we will get rid of it! \"\n\nThe music stopped.\n\nThere was a long pause.\n\nMr. and Mrs. McKelvey looked at each other.\n\nStanding at the piano, Kevin's eyes widened. His heart thudded in his chest. There was a part of him that had been waiting to hear those words for his whole life. _Get rid of it?_ That meant... normalcy. Afternoons free. A room where he could turn all the way around.\n\nBut that was before Ms. Finkleman.\n\nAnd Bon Jovi. And Little Richard, and Tori Amos, and Elton John, and...\n\nOutside the door, Kevin's parents stood waiting.\n\nKevin looked at the door, then back to the book propped up in front of him on the piano. _Jerry Lee Lewis: All the Number-One Hits._\n\n\"One! Two! _One, two, three, four!_ \" he shouted, and kept on going.\n\n\"I changed my mind!\" he hollered. \"This love is fine! Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire!\"\n\nAcross town, Bethesda Fielding sat at the computer in the living room, reading an email she had just gotten from Jamey Cullers, a friend from the _Mary Todd Lincoln Gazetteer_ who was a year older. Bethesda had asked her when Melville gave the Floating Midterm last year, and Jamey had just emailed back: April 23.\n\nThat was soon. That was really soon. If Melville was planning to give the test on April 23 again this year, that meant Bethesda had about three weeks to make some sort of breakthrough, to make history colorful somehow for Tenny Boyer.\n\nBethesda got up, stretched, and headed to her room, trying to think creatively. Hypnosis? Could Tenny be hypnotized into learning history? Visual aids? What about visual aids? What if, every time he got an answer wrong, she poured Snapple on his head? She laughed, picturing Tenny's unkempt bird's nest of hair soaked in orange strawberry.\n\nPlus, he got every question wrong\u2014where was she going to get all that Snapple?\n\nShe shouldn't even be thinking about this right now. She had four Pre-algebra problem sets, a science project to plan, and a mountain of English reading she was behind on. In her room, she picked up her book bag, and then put it down again.\n\nShe still needed to practice the encore.\n\nShe put the old Red Herrings seven-inch on the record player and sang along. \"You can call it overrated, tell me everything has faded! \" Bethesda sang in the tough-girl rock-singer voice she'd been working on for weeks now. \"But it's not so complicated! It's not so complicated! \" She jumped around her room, wiggling and bouncing with such enthusiasm that at the end of the second chorus she whacked her elbow against the door frame.\n\nShe kept right on singing. As she sang, she pictured Tenny beside her, his eyes half shut, his head bobbing, playing his guitar.\n\nJust a few streets away, in a small, comfortable home that smelled pleasantly of meat loaf, a plump gray-haired woman named Sally Ann was working on a project. Sally Ann had three giant piles of photographs of her various grandchildren, and it was well past time that she organized the pictures into albums. As Sally Ann spread the pictures across the table and wondered where to begin, her husband, Harry, came whistling into the room. She looked him up and down. \"Is that 'Moonlight in Vermont'? \"\n\n\"Why, so it is,\" her husband answered with a mischievous smile. Sally Ann set down her glue stick and looked squarely at Harry.\n\n\"All right, you,\" she said sternly. \"What are you plotting? \"\n\n\"Why, Sally Ann, I am neither plotting nor planning! I've just been figuring out my schedule, that's all. I thought I might give my Floating Midterm a bit early this year. Like, this Friday.\"\n\n\"Oh? And have you cleared it with the other teachers? Is there anything else on the schedule it might interfere with? \"\n\nMr. Melville's eyebrows danced merrily. \"Oh, I don't think so,\" he said with a dry chuckle. \"Nothing important.\"\n\n# [22\n\n\"LOSE? WE CAN'T LOSE!\"](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c22)\n\n_\"What S worse_ than dressing as a giant hot dog?\"\n\n\"I'm sorry, Principal Van Vreeland. Is that a riddle of some kind? \"\n\n\"No, it is not a riddle, you ignoramus! \" hissed Principal Van Vreeland at Jasper. \"Time is running out! The Choral Corral is _tomorrow!_ And I have yet to settle on the final terms of my bet with Principal Cohn!\"\n\n\"Oh, yes, right,\" said Jasper under his breath. \"That.\"\n\n\"So here is my current thinking: When they lose, Principal Cohn has to go to school in a giant hot-dog costume. For a week. No! A month! And here's the best part: On the back of the hot-dog costume, it'll say GROVER CLEVELAND KISSES MARY TODD LINCOLN'S BUNS.\"\n\n\"Ah,\" answered Jasper noncommittally.\n\n\"What? \" Principal Van Vreeland said sharply. \"See, _buns,_ like, hot-dog buns, but also\u2014\"\n\n\"I get the joke, Principal Van Vreeland. But presumably, if _our side_ loses the Choral Corral, then _you_ would be the one who has to wear the giant hot-dog costume.\"\n\n\"Lose?\" Principal Van Vreeland brayed laughter. \"We can't lose!\"\n\n\"But\u2014\"\n\n\"But nothing,\" the principal interrupted. \"Go find me a hot-dog costume! \"\n\n\"Very good, Principal Van Vreeland.\" Jasper paused at the door. \"At least the losing principal's humiliation will be confined to school grounds.\"\n\nHe closed the office door behind him, but not before he heard his boss say, \"School grounds, eh? Hmmmmm...\"\n\nJasper winced and scurried down the hall.\n\n# [23\n\nOUT OF TIME](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c23)\n\n_At that_ very moment, Bethesda was sitting in Mr. Melville's class, thinking, _Why?_\n\nAnd then she thought: _Stop it, Bethesda!_\n\nAnd then she thought: _Okay, but\u2014why?_\n\nIt was the mystery. It wouldn't leave her alone. The same question that had been tugging at her since that night in the food court, when this whole strange adventure began.\n\n_Why the deception? Why have Tenny plan the rock show?_\n\nShe had promised herself not to try to figure it out, to leave it alone, but her mystery-solving mind kept circling back around, dragging the mystery from the closet, saying, _Solve this! Solve it!_ And now it was Thursday: the Choral Corral was only one day away. Soon this chapter of her life would be closed forever, and Bethesda feared she would never know the answer.\n\n\"What? Come on!\"\n\nSuddenly Bethesda realized that someone was yelling. Actually, everybody was yelling.\n\n\"But\u2014but, Mr. Melville, you can't! \" \"We have to practice! \"\n\nThe voices of the students were outraged, horrified. \"You _can't_ give the test tomorrow! \"\n\nMr. Melville, on the other hand, had never sounded so calm and pleasant: \"Oh, but I think I can.\"\n\nBethesda looked around. First-period Social Studies was in an uproar. And then she saw the words on the board, scrawled in thick, menacing all-caps: FLOATING MIDTERM. TOMORROW.\n\nHayley Eisenstein waved her hand at Mr. Melville, spit flying out of the corners of her mouth. \"The Choral Corral is tomorrow!\"\n\n\"It _is?_ \" Mr. Melville tried to feign surprise, but the particular angle of his eyebrows left little doubt that this cruel bit of scheduling was no accident. \"Well, I don't expect anyone to be cramming this evening. If you've been preparing all along, as is your responsibility, the sudden arrival of the midterm should cause no surfeit of anxiety.\"\n\nEverybody groaned. No one in seventh-grade Social Studies knew what the word _surfeit_ meant, but they'd all be cramming like heck tonight, whether Mr. Melville expected it or not.\n\nThe mystery of Ms. Finkleman disappeared with a _poof_ from Bethesda's mind, replaced by a far more urgent problem. She craned around to look at Tenny Boyer, and saw in his eyes what she felt in her heart: Sheer panic. _They were out of time._ The test was tomorrow, and Tenny was going to fail. As Bethesda watched, he shut his eyes and shook his head helplessly, and Bethesda could just imagine what he was seeing: The cold metal gates of St. Francis Xavier Young Men's Education and Socialization Academy, swinging opening with a chilling creak to beckon him inside.\n\nAs the bell rang and Mr. Melville's students filed miserably into the hallway, still groaning, a plan materialized in Bethesda's mind. There was one way she could save Tenny Boyer. But was it really the sort of thing that she was capable of?\n\nThe plan followed Bethesda through the rest of her day, from class to class to lunch and back to class and then home. She tried to ignore it, to order it away, but the plan only grew more insistent, followed her more closely, got louder and louder in her mind.\n\nAt dinner, the plan was still there, haunting her\u2014tormenting her. She ignored it and tried to eat.\n\n\"Hello? McFuzz? Gertrude McFuzz? Are you in there?\"\n\n\"What? Yeah, Dad.\"\n\n\"I said, did you enjoy your lasagna? \" He pronounced it la-zag-nah, but Bethesda didn't laugh. \"I thought it was pretty grand.\"\n\n\"Right. Hey, Dad, can I be excused from the dishes? I've gotta get to the library.\"\n\nBethesda's father shrugged as he stood to clear the dishes from the table. \"Okey smokey, pokey. Just be home by nine, okay? Your mom is going to want to say good night. And you've got some serious day tomorrow.\"\n\n\"Yup.\"\n\nBethesda grabbed her backpack off the big chair in the living room where she had slung it.\n\n\"Oh, and before you go,\" her father said. \"Your friend Shelly called.\"\n\n\"She did?\"\n\n\"Yep. Oh, what did she say? She said please, please bring her copy of the lyrics tomorrow, because she wrote her bass part on it.\"\n\nBethesda, who had been at the front door, gathering up her bike helmet and shin pads, stopped, confused. \"But Shelly's not even in my band.\"\n\n\"Oh, then it must have been the other one. Suzie. Man, I can _never_ tell those two apart. Even in person. Forget about on the phone! \"\n\nStanding at the front door, her bike helmet dangling from her hand, Bethesda opened her mouth wide. _Oh my god,_ Bethesda thought suddenly. _Of course!_\n\n_\"_ You know, there was this guy I went to college with whose voice sounded exactly like Beaker from the _Muppet Show,\"_ her dad continued. \"Have I ever shown you the _Muppet Show?_ Anyway, this kid...\"\n\nWhile her dad rambled on, Bethesda stood frozen, mouth wide, as the pieces flew into place in her mind. _Of course,_ she said to herself again. _Of course!_\n\nShe had solved the mystery of Ms. Finkleman. Why she had never told anyone about her rock-star past. Why she had secretly put Tenny in charge of the rock show, instead of doing it herself.\n\nHer dad was still talking. \"You know what they should do, those two? They should get totally different haircuts. Like, if Shelly had a mullet, and Suzie had a Mohawk, a person might be able to keep them straight. Will you do me a favor and tell them that for me?\"\n\n\"Yes, Dad,\" said Bethesda with a goofy grin. \"I'll tell them.\"\n\nBethesda hopped on her bike and gave a mighty holler of happiness as she pedaled to the Wilkersholm Memorial Public Library. _It wasn't that Ms. Finkleman was hiding the fact that she was Little Miss Mystery... that wasn't it at all!_\n\n\"Yes! \" she shouted, not even looking around to make sure no one was listening. \"I'm a _genius!\"_\n\nShe turned into the parking lot and carefully chained up her bike. There was just one mystery left: _What was she going to do about Tenny Boyer?_\n\n# [24\n\nWASHINGTON CROSSING THE NILE](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c24)\n\n_That night,_ at precisely eight o'clock, Chef Pilverton popped out of his hiding place in the food court in the Pilverton Mall and pleaded, in his lusty French accent, for everyone to _\"Laissez les bon temps rouler! Avec pizza!\"_\n\nBut there was no one there to hear him. No one, at least, from the seventh-grade class at Mary Todd Lincoln Middle School. No one was pigging out on Boardwalk Fries, or shopping for necklaces at the Jangle Room, or deciding among the various schlocky sequels on offer at the cineplex. They were all at home, and though the Choral Corral was tomorrow at third period, they weren't practicing their instruments. They were studying.\n\nChester Hu sat in the center of a giant pile of disorganized notebooks and scraps of paper, picking them up at random and trying to decipher his own handwriting. \"Ugh! \" he shouted, every time he couldn't understand his own sloppy scrawl. \"I stink! \"\n\nOn the other side of Chester's bedroom, Victor Glebe lay on a beanbag chair with a stack of flash cards as thick as _War and Peace,_ and (judging by Victor's blank facial expression) equally incomprehensible.\n\nSuzie and Shelly Schwartz sat on either side of their kitchen table playing an elaborate test-preparation game they had invented involving a big-size bag of Chewy Spree. Basically, in the center of the table was a giant pile of Chewy Spree, and if the opposing Schwartz sister asked you a question you couldn't answer, you had to put a Chewy Spree in the pile; if you got it right, you got to take one out. Suzie was enjoying a slight lead (Shelly always won when they studied for math), until the game came to an abrupt conclusion when the Schwartzes' doberman, Sammy Schwartz, leaped up on the table and ate the entire scoring system.\n\nMeanwhile, at the Wilkersholm Memorial Public Library, Pamela Preston, Natasha Belinsky, and Todd Spolin had taken over a long oak table in the center of Young Adult. While Natasha and Todd took turns quizzing each other, Pamela twisted a finger through her blond curls, a sour expression on her face.\n\n\"Okay, Pamela,\" Natasha said to Pamela, holding up a flash card. \"What river did George Washington cross on Christmas Eve 1776?\"\n\n\"I mean, honestly? Rock and roll isn't even music,\" Pamela said. Natasha peered at the back of the card confusedly. \"Especially punk. It's more just, like, noise. Noise to a beat.\"\n\n\"Pam! Come on! \" said Todd, raising his voice enough to make the librarian look up sharply. \"Are you seriously still talking about this?\"\n\n\"Yeah,\" Natasha agreed. \"We have to study. Stop being annoyed about the rock show for three seconds and, like, focus. Ooh, hey, are those bar-b-que?\"\n\n\"They are,\" said Todd, passing Natasha his extra-large bag of Soy Crisps, which made a loud crinkling noise. The librarian glared at them. Todd stuck out his tongue and stuffed the chips in his book bag.\n\n\"You know what else I've been thinking?\" Pamela continued, completely ignoring her friends' attempts to study. \"The _worst_ part is that this whole rock nonsense would never have happened if it weren't for Bethesda's Special Project, which, technically, didn't meet the requirements of the assignment. It was supposed to be solve a mystery in your _own_ life, not a mystery in somebody _else's_ life.\"\n\n\"Pamela, seriously. Let it go,\" admonished Todd, then turned to Natasha with a flash card. \"What was the birthplace of Thomas Jefferson? \"\n\n\"Detroit? \" answered Natasha.\n\n\"That is correct.\" (That was not actually correct. Todd always forgot to take notes, so they had made their flash cards from Natasha's, which, unfortunately, were terrible.)\n\n\"Yay!\" Natasha clapped her hands. \"Give me another one.\"\n\nPamela interrupted again. \"But even aside from that, there's something fishy about the whole thing. Have you guys noticed that Little Miss Mystery, or whatever her name is, doesn't even, like, pay attention during practice? \"\n\n\"You're the one who doesn't pay attention, Pam,\" Todd shot back, and then turned to Natasha. \"What year was the Boston Massacre?\"\n\n\"1492.\"\n\n\"That's right.\"\n\n\"Yay! I'm so smart!\"\n\n\"I really wish you guys were, like, on my side. It's not too late to\u2014\"\n\n\"Honestly, honey?\" said Natasha, with a glance at Todd, who nodded. \"Not to be, like, whatever, but if you're not going to study with us, can you go somewhere else? We really have a lot to do.\"\n\n\"Fine!\" said Pamela. \"I will.\"\n\n\"It was the Nile, by the way,\" said Natasha sweetly as Pamela packed up her things. \"Washington crossed the Nile.\"\n\n\"Actually...\" Pamela started to correct Natasha's answer and then stopped, smiling coldly. \"That's absolutely right. You guys are going to do _great.\"_\n\nPamela was shrugging on her pink spring jacket as she walked down the long aisle in the center of the library when she heard the voices. They were coming from the row of potted ficus trees that separated Fiction from Nonfiction, and so at first it seemed oddly as if two of the plants were talking. In fact, it sounded like the two plants were preparing for Melville's test.\n\n\"The French,\" said the first ficus. \"The answer is, the French and the Indians.\"\n\nPamela stopped walking and tilted her head. She would know that voice anywhere: Bethesda Fielding.\n\n\"Huh? \" said the other ficus.\n\nThis second voice was even easier to identify. There was no one in the world who said \"Huh?\" quite like Tenny Boyer.\n\n_So the king and queen of rock and roll are studying for the big test,_ Pamela thought. _Whoop-de-do for them._\n\n\"Yes, Tenny. You can remember it, because it's called the French and Indian War.\"\n\n\"Oh. Yeah. That totally makes sense.\"\n\nPamela rolled her eyes. _Man,_ she thought. _I sure hope Melville grades this on a curve._ She kept listening.\n\n\"It's not happening.\" Tenny sighed. \"It's all, you know\u2014it's still all gray. I'm sorry you wasted all this time, just because of Ms. Finkleman's stupid deal. But it's too late.\"\n\n_Ms. Finkleman?_\n\n_Deal?_\n\n\"No, Tenny,\" Bethesda said, her voice sounding a bit desperate. \"We've got time. We've got twenty minutes. Let's not waste it.\"\n\n\"No. I think it's pretty obvious what's going to happen here. I am going to fail this test. So I'd rather go home and practice my solo. They won't be having any rock shows at St. Francis Xavier.\"\n\n\"Come on, Tenny! I, um... I believe in you.\"\n\nPamela covered her mouth to keep from snickering.\n\n_She believed in_ him? _What a waste of perfectly good belief._\n\n\"Bethesda,\" said Tenny sadly. \"Get real.\"\n\nThere was a long silence, and for a second Pamela thought maybe Tenny and Bethesda had quietly packed up and left the library. She risked a peek between the two ficus trees. No, there they were, Bethesda Fielding and Tenny Boyer, sitting in total silence, neither looking at the other. Tenny fingered chords on an imaginary guitar, while Bethesda sat with her eyes half shut, looking tired and agitated. But then Bethesda spoke, quietly, so quietly that Pamela had to lean forward slightly to hear what she was saying.\n\n\"Tenny,\" Bethesda whispered. \"I have a plan.\"\n\nBethesda had seen the plan on a TV special about a couple of bad kids who cheat on a test. She couldn't remember whether they got caught or not, although she sort of doubted they would make a special about kids who get away with cheating. But the thing was, those kids were stupid. Bethesda was smart. And one thing she was certain of, after about a zillion hours of fruitless tutoring, was that Tenny Boyer was smart, too\u2014despite all appearances to the contrary. He just couldn't memorize facts. At least, not facts about American history.\n\n\"No way,\" answered Tenny immediately. \"No way are you going to get in trouble to help me.\"\n\n\"I'm not going to get in trouble, and neither are you. We've just got to be careful.\"\n\n\"But...\"\n\n\"Tenny. It'll be easy. And, I mean, to be honest? It's the only way.\"\n\nTenny let out a long, tired sigh. He looked up at the clock. The library was closing in a few minutes. He rubbed his fingers against his exhausted eyes.\n\n\"Are you... I mean, Bethesda. Are you _sure?\"_\n\n\"Yes,\" said Bethesda. \"I am.\"\n\nTenny reached out his hand, and Bethesda shook it. She remembered another handshake, that fateful night in the food court with Ms. Finkleman. Bethesda had promised her that Tenny Boyer would pass Mr. Melville's class\u2014no matter what. As Tenny stood and crammed his copy of _A More Perfect Union_ and his piles of disorganized notes back into his bag, Bethesda gave him a confident smile and a little thumbs-up.\n\nInside her mind, Bethesda's fancy lawyer-lady voice delivered a stirring closing argument. So cheating on the Floating Midterm was wrong, said the lawyer lady... or _was_ it? Wasn't it true, as Bethesda had finally figured out, that Ms. Finkleman had been lying to the whole school about being a rock star all along? And surely she had her reasons.\n\nSo now Bethesda was going to do something equally bad\u2014and she had _her_ reasons, too. Tenny was too talented! She'd watched him create this whole concert, watched it go from bad to okay to\u2014well, to _amazing._ And now he was going to get yanked out of Mary Todd Lincoln and shipped off to St. Francis Xavier? Why? Because he couldn't memorize a bunch of stupid facts about the American Revolution?\n\nThrough the big window of the Wilkersholm Memorial Public Library, Bethesda watched Tenny get on his bike, wrangle his scraggly mass of brown hair under a black helmet with a Rush sticker on it, and pedal off into the night. It was 8:45, and the library was nearly deserted\u2014though as she stood and stretched and began to pack up her things, Bethesda thought she smelled just the _slightest_ hint of lilac.\n\n# [25\n\n _AN OLD CARDBOARD BOX SECURED WITH MASKING TAPE_](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c25)\n\n_Meanwhile, in_ a high-rise condominium on the other side of town, an unremarkable brown-haired woman padded to the kitchen in her fuzzy slippers to fix herself a cup of tea. When the tea was ready, she padded back into the living room, gently placed the mug on a woven coaster, and sank into her comfortable armchair. She plopped her feet up on the matching ottoman and tried to relax.\n\nBut for once, Ida Finkleman didn't feel like relaxing. She didn't feel like listening to Mozart. She didn't even feel like Sleepytime tea. She returned to the kitchen and poured the mug out into the sink.\n\nIda Finkleman no longer felt like a timid little agouti\u2014not in the slightest bit. In recent days, she hadn't been _surviving_ at Mary Todd Lincoln Middle School, she had been _thriving._ That afternoon, she had led her students into the auditorium for their final dress rehearsal of the rock show, and there was no doubt about it: They were ready. Watching them play today, she had stopped feeling grouchy abut this whole enterprise, stopped casting blame and being mad. She had just enjoyed it. She was so proud. Watching those kids bang out those three songs, watching them jump and leap and holler and twist and dance around the stage... she couldn't help herself any longer. She hopped out of her seat and laughed and cheered and clapped like crazy.\n\nIda went into her bedroom and rummaged underneath the bed, reaching around awkwardly with two hands through the dust bunnies and shoeboxes, until at last she found an old cardboard box secured with masking tape. With her big pair of kitchen scissors, she unsealed the box and riffled through its contents: A high-school yearbook, a Rubik's Cube keychain, a picture of her and her cousin Sherman sharing a bath as infants. And, yes, there it was: a seven-inch record. \"Not So Complicated,\" by Little Miss Mystery and the Red Herrings.\n\nTucked into the sleeve of the seven-inch was a promotional picture, clipped from a magazine, of Little Miss Mystery and the Red Herrings. Ms. Finkleman sat down on her bed with the clipping and carefully smoothed it out in her lap. She looked closely at the lead singer in the photograph, who stood slightly in front of her bandmates, glaring at the camera with a fierce punkrock pout.\n\n\"Hey, you,\" Ms. Finkleman said. She had other pictures of the Herrings, of course, but this was her favorite. Clem just looked so _happy_ in it.\n\n# [26\n\nA DREADFUL COUGH](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c26)\n\n**Question One**\n\n**Paul Revere was a member of a secret Whig organization in the years leading up to his famous ride. This organization was called** **the.----------**\n\nBethesda Fielding immediately knew the answer, but her eyes darted down the list of possible answers anyway. If this had been a test from Mrs. Howell, the incorrect answers would have been total softballs, especially because it was the first question. It would have been, like, A) the Klingons, B) the Dallas Cowboys, and so on.\n\nBut this was Mr. Melville. So answer A was Brothers of Liberty, which was sneakily close to being right, and C was Sons of Freedom, which was even closer. But Bethesda wasn't fooled. Pressing down hard with her sharpened number two pencil, she circled answer B, Sons of Liberty. Bethesda could have listed additional members of the organization, such as Joseph Warren, Samuel Adams (cousin of future president John Adams), and Benjamin Church, who turned out to be a spy for the British. Bethesda had spent so much time on Project SWT that she knew way more than she needed to ace the Floating Midterm.\n\nThat's when she heard Tenny Boyer tapping his pencil against his knuckle. It was a very quiet sound\u2014if you weren't listening for it, you never would have heard it. But Bethesda _was_ listening for it. Because that little sound would be what turned her from hypothetical cheater to actual cheater.\n\n_Tap, tap, tap._\n\n_Argle bargle._\n\nSuddenly Bethesda was hyper-aware of everything around her. She smelled pencil shavings and Mr. Melville's coffee and Marisol Pierce's lavender shampoo. She felt the cool sensation of a spring breeze as it wafted into the room and rustled the venetian blinds. She watched as Mr. Melville slowly sipped from his mug and turned the page of his newspaper, in what seemed like slow motion. Bethesda looked at the headline, which said GIRL CHEATS ON AMERICAN HISTORY EXAM.\n\nShe blinked. The headline was about city council elections.\n\n_Tap, tap, tap._\n\nStaring down at her paper, Bethesda coughed quietly twice. Two coughs for B.\n\n_It's official. Bethesda Fielding, Cheater._\n\nAs she moved down her paper to the next question, Bethesda had a fleeting mental image of her father, seated in front of the TV, a giant bowl of Frosted Flakes balanced on his lap, watching a tropical storm make landfall.\n\nQuestion two was about Benjamin Franklin's role in the drafting of the Declaration of Independence. As she circled answer D (\"edited and organized\"), she listened for sniffling. If Tenny knew an answer, he was supposed to sniffle a little, as if he, too, had a slight cold. _Come on, Tenny,_ she thought. _Sniffle. Sniffle! You have to have learned_ something!\n\n_Tap, tap, tap._\n\nMeanwhile, in a cramped stall in the second-floor women's restroom, Ms. Finkleman finished changing her clothes. She emerged from the stall, approached the smeary mirror, and began putting on makeup. As she applied eyeliner in the exact purple-black shade that Clem had always favored, Ida carefully studied her face in the mirror and was startled by how much she looked like her. Ida smiled to think of how many years she had spent being so certain that she and her sister\u2014her _identical_ twin sister!\u2014looked _nothing_ alike.\n\nOf _course_ they looked alike. They looked so alike that when they were six years old, and Ida wanted to play with her dolls instead of taking her piano lesson, Clem would take it for her, because dotty old Mrs. Davis would never know the difference anyway. Clem would take one piano lesson, go upstairs, change clothes, and go down for another. Later, Ida would thank her sister by feeding her pretend cake she'd baked with her dolls. Then Clem would play scales for an appreciative audience of Ida, Paddington Bear, and assorted Barbies.\n\nShe pulled out a tube of lipstick, several shades of scarlet deeper than anything she'd ever worn in her life, and popped the cap off the tube.\n\n* * *\n\n**Question Thirty-two**  \n **Which of the following was NOT a cause of the American Revolution?**  \n **A) The Stamp Act**  \n **B) The Three-Fifths Clause**  \n **C) The Boston Tea Party**  \n **D) The Boston Massacre**\n\n_Okay,_ Bethesda thought. _He knows this one. I know he knows this one._ She could picture them reviewing the flowchart, just two nights ago, the same night he'd broken her microwave trying to make a frozen burrito. _Do it, Tenny,_ she thought, circling answer B. _Sniffle! Sniffle!_\n\n_Tap, tap, tap._\n\nBethesda coughed twice. Discreetly, she sniffed her sweaty armpits. _Man,_ she thought, _cheating is stressful._ Bethesda stretched and looked around the room. There was Shelly earnestly bent over her answer sheet. There was Braxton Lashey chewing on his pen; that kid never learned. Pamela Preston was up at Mr. Melville's desk, asking him for the pass to the girls' room. Chester Hu, Bethesda noted, was playing an imaginary bass drum with his foot while he worked.\n\nShe glanced up at the clock and breathed a small sigh of relief. First period was almost over, and then it would be time for the Choral Corral. She pictured herself holding the microphone, jumping around the stage, and felt a small burst of adrenalin. _Get through this!_ she thought. _Stay on target!_\n\nQuestion thirty-three had to do with Thomas Jefferson, and it was the first thing on the test that Bethesda didn't know the answer to right away. She was trying to remember whether it was John Jay who cowrote the Federalist Papers, or James Monroe, when she remembered something else entirely. Mr. Melville didn't make kids ask for the hall pass. When people asked if they could go to the bathroom, even during tests, he always said something huffy like, \"Believe it or not, I am not interested in your bodily functions.\"\n\nSo what was Pamela doing at his desk?\n\nMs. Finkleman took a big step away from the mirror and looked at herself up and down. She made a series of contorted faces, sticking out her tongue, narrowing her eyes, practicing the rock-star attitude she would soon be displaying in front of a cheering crowd of Mary Todd Lincolnites. She played a little air guitar, laughed selfconsciously at herself, and then reached her right arm up to her left bicep. She let her hand rest on the tattoo, a permanent reminder of her sister and all they had gone through together.\n\n\"Well, sis, what do you think? \" she said to the mirror. \"Do I look like a rock star or not?\"\n\n* * *\n\n**Question Thirty-nine**  \n **The freed slave believed to be the first  \nperson to die in the Boston Massacre was  \nnamed.**\n\nBethesda didn't even wait for pencil tapping this time. No way Tenny was going to remember the name Crispus Attucks. She coughed, once, for A, and pressed on.\n\nOne more question, and then it would be time for the Choral Corral. One more question and she could go back to being herself. Bethesda Fielding, Non-Cheater.\n\nShe giggled a little, under her breath. That was funny\u2014people having titles in the negative. Albert Einstein, Non-Idiot. Mother Teresa, Non-Jerk. Funny.\n\nBethesda was still smiling as she turned to question forty. Before she could read it, though, a large shadow fell across her desk. \"Ms. Fielding,\" came Mr. Melville's voice, gruff and ominous.\n\nBethesda's stomach tightened and lurched. Slowly, slowly she put down her pencil and turned around to face him.\n\n\"Um. Yes?\" she ventured. But she knew. She knew with terrible certainty what came next.\n\n\"If that dreadful cough of yours has not entirely sapped your strength, I wonder if you wouldn't mind joining me at the front of the room for a little chat.\"\n\nBethesda didn't say anything. Her knees wobbled as she rose to her feet. A hot flush crept down her neck and cheeks, and she felt the eyes of every kid in class as they peered over to see what was happening. She heard Chester Hu whisper, \"Whoa! What the\u2014\" to Victor Glebe.\n\nThe scene felt painfully familiar, and she recalled in an ironic, despairing flash that this exact same thing had occurred in the TV special about the kids who cheated on the test.\n\nStep by miserable step, Bethesda made her way to the front of the room. But Mr. Melville was not behind her. He was three seats over and one seat back.\n\n\"Mr. Boyer? Aren't you going to join us?\"\n\n# [27\n\n _\"LET'S ROCK!\"_](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c27)\n\n_Jasper stood_ outside his boss's office for forty-five seconds, breathing deeply and wringing his hands together, before he went inside. He contemplated a variety of options for what he might do next, all of which were more appealing than going in. He could take the rest of the day off and go antiquing. Or he could quit and join the navy! Jasper had always loved boats.\n\nHe sighed, turned the knob, and pushed open the door.\n\n\"Excuse me, ma'am.\" \"Ah! Jasper!\"\n\nPrincipal Van Vreeland was beaming, as Jasper had known she would be. Her hands reached out to him, her fingers extended in a wide welcoming gesture that, he couldn't help noticing, could easily be transformed into a choking motion. \"Ma'am, there's something\u2014\"\n\n\"Oh, hush, man! No time now! The Choral Corral begins in\u2014\" Principal Van Vreeland cast a gleeful glance at the clock above the door. \"Twenty minutes! In an hour and a half, our utter destruction of Grover Cleveland will be complete!\"\n\n\"Yes, ma'am. It's just that we have a slight problem.\"\n\nThe smile froze on Principal Van Vreeland's face. Her hands began to twitch alarmingly. Jasper took a big step backward.\n\n\"What kind of... _problem?\"_ the principal over-enunciated the final word in the sentence, her face contorting with intense disgust, as if she were pulling a dead rat out of a sink.\n\nIt was Harry Melville who answered, muscling past Jasper's thin frame and marching unbidden into the principal's office.\n\n\"A _cheating_ problem.\"\n\nBethesda and Tenny sat in silence on the hard bench in the hallway outside the principal's office.\n\n\"I'm really sorry,\" Bethesda whispered.\n\n\"Why? \" Tenny whispered back. \"If I wasn't such a moron, this never would have happened.\"\n\n\"Or if I was a halfway decent mountain climber.\"\n\n\"Huh?\"\n\n\"Tutor. A halfway decent tutor.\" \"Shush!\" snapped Mrs. Gingertee, the secretary, from where she sat typing at her desk. \"No talking.\" \"Sorry,\" replied Tenny and Bethesda in unison. \"Shh!\" she snapped again.\n\nBethesda lowered her eyes to the carpet. The incessant _clack-clack-clack_ of Mrs. Gingertee's fingers on the keys sounded to her like the rattling of a long steel chain as it drew tighter and tighter around her heart. _Hey, that's a good metaphor,_ she thought, and then, immediately: _Oh, shut up._\n\nIn her twelve years on earth, Bethesda had never been sent to the principal's office. She had never sat on this uncomfortable bench, never felt this hard feeling like a dense, undigested mass in the very depths of her gut. And though she knew Tenny had been in trouble before\u2014for not doing his homework, for tardiness, for not paying attention\u2014this was different. Cheating on a test was _serious_ trouble. Grade A trouble. Bethesda lowered her face into her hands and started to cry.\n\n\"Aw... hey...\" started Tenny.\n\n\"No crying,\" said Mrs. Gingertee, still typing.\n\nThe door to Principal Van Vreeland's office opened, and Jasper's thin head emerged, like a rodent's emerging from the desert sand. \"This way, children.\"\n\nIn the office, Bethesda and Tenny avoided both the fierce stare of Principal Van Vreeland, who sat drumming her fingernails on her desk, and the stern glare of Mr. Melville, whose considerable bulk was settled into a student-size chair, his arms folded across his big barrel of a chest. It might have been funny if Bethesda wasn't so miserable. Her gaze followed Tenny's to the clock above the door, which said 10:45. Third period, and the Choral Corral, started in fifteen minutes. Right now, the other students from sixth-period Music Fundamentals were being pulled out of their regular classes to assemble backstage in the auditorium.\n\n\"Mr. Melville has brought to my attention the rather serious infraction you two have committed,\" said Principal Van Vreeland rapidly, while Jasper stood behind her and stroked his chin disapprovingly. From the outer office, Bethesda heard the sharp clacking of Ms. Gingertee's fingers at the keyboard.\n\n\"I think we can all agree that the most important thing is to wrap this up quickly,\" the principal continued. Mr. Melville raised a skeptical eyebrow at her. \"I mean, _fairly,_ of course. To wrap this up fairly.\"\n\nBethesda couldn't take it anymore. She had heard thirty seconds of the Serious Trouble Speech, and she thought if she heard another thirty seconds she would weep profusely and\/or barf all over the rug.\n\n\"It was all my fault! \" she blurted out, pulling off her glasses and wiping roughly at her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt. \"The whole thing was my idea! And I dragged Tenny into it, and he said it was a bad idea and I _knew_ it was a bad idea, and I'm really, really sorry.\"\n\nMr. Melville scowled, but Principal Van Vreeland seemed extremely pleased with Bethesda's sudden confession. \"Okay, then, young lady,\" she said quickly, hopping out of her chair. \"Very disappointed in you, naughty naughty, don't do it again, et cetera, et cetera. Jasper? \"\n\nJasper and Principal Van Vreeland moved swiftly toward the door.\n\n\"Wait! \" shouted Tenny.\n\n\"Wait? \" said Principal Van Vreeland. \"What do you mean, wait? Why? \"\n\n\"Because it's not true.\" Tenny turned to Bethesda and said it again. \"It's not true, and you know it.\"\n\n\"It's not? \" asked the principal, looking at Tenny with irritation.\n\n\"No.\" Tenny addressed Bethesda. \"I mean, technically, you weren't even cheating. You were just _coughing.\"_\n\n\"Yeah, but the coughing _was_ the cheating!\"\n\n\"No, the cheating was the cheating. The coughing was just coughing.\"\n\nPrincipal Van Vreeland looked at the clock and groaned. \"Cheating! Coughing! It's all bad. Very, very bad. Don't do it again. Jasper! Let's go.\"\n\nMr. Melville cleared his throat noisily, and all eyes turned to him. \"Slow down, people. Let's just take this nice and slow.\"\n\nAt the word _slow,_ Principal Van Vreeland sighed and returned wearily to her chair. \"I just want to destroy my enemies. Is that so wrong?\" And then, realizing everyone was staring at her, she turned to Mr. Melville. \"Please,\" she moaned. \"Continue. Take your time.\"\n\n\"I think it is perfectly clear that both students share some portion of the culpability here, Madame Principal,\" Mr. Melville intoned gravely. \"I would expect, therefore, that a multifaceted punishment be imposed on both. Obviously to include retaking the test, certainly to involve some parental conversations\u2014\"\n\nFresh tears sprang into Bethesda's eyes.\n\n\"And, of course, immediate exclusion from all extracurricular activities, including participation in this... musical activity.\"\n\n\"Wait a minute,\" stammered Tenny, turning to Bethesda. \"Wait\u2014does he mean the Choral Corral?\"\n\nBethesda nodded miserably.\n\n\"No! Come on! We're\u2014we're _necessary._ It's _our_ show!\" But it was too late. Principal Van Vreeland saw her opportunity.\n\n\"Come now, young man. There is only one person crucial to the rock show, and that is Ms. Finkleman.\" She was out of her chair again, back at the door with her hand at the knob. \"Mr. Melville, you read my mind. A multi\u2014What was that word again? The fancy one?\"\n\n\"Multifaceted.\"\n\n\"Yes! A multifaceted punishment for both cheaters! Now let's all proceed to the auditorium for the Choral Corral!\" She paused and gestured vaguely to Bethesda and Tenny. \"Um, except you two, of course.\"\n\nBethesda looked through her fingers down at the rug. She simply couldn't bear to look at Tenny Boyer. Her and her stupid Special Project! The rock show, this incredible event he had created, this is the project that was _actually_ special... and now he wouldn't even get to be in it.\n\n\"Hang on,\" said Tenny.\n\nPrincipal Van Vreeland glared at Tenny from the doorway. _\"_ What _now?\"_\n\nThere was a look on Tenny Boyer's face that Bethesda had never seen before. A smile twisted up the corners of his lips. His eyes were bright, glowing with inspiration and a hint of mischief. They had a glimmer in them, like\u2014like Christmas lights.\n\n\"Thing is, the Choral Corral isn't an extracurricular.\"\n\nPrincipal Van Vreeland stood at the door, one hand tightly clutching Jasper's arm, staring daggers back across the room. Mr. Melville furrowed his brow with perplexed irritation. \"What?\" he said darkly, elongating the single syllable with a thick undercurrent of menace.\n\nBethesda knew immediately where Tenny was going, and she joined him, like they were two guitarists playing in unison. \"Of course. Music Fundamentals is a _class._ Participation in the Choral Corral is _required!\"_\n\n\"So I totally agree,\" Tenny went on, picking up where Bethesda left off, \"that we should be barred from extracurriculars. I mean, obviously. But the Choral Corral is an _assignment!\"_\n\n\"Now wait just one second,\" Mr. Melville began. \"Surely the _spirit_ of the rule suggests\u2014\"\n\nBethesda, now fully in lawyer-lady mode, interrupted.\n\n\"Wait now, Mr. Melville. Are you saying that what the rule actually _says_ doesn't matter?\"\n\n\"You know perfectly well that is not what I'm saying, Ms. Fielding. However...\"\n\nAs this animated conversation continued, Principal Van Vreeland got redder and redder where she stood in the doorway. \"Stop!\" she shouted. \"We need to settle this, and fast. Mrs. Gingertee! Get me Ida Finkleman.\"\n\nThree minutes later, Ms. Finkleman walked into the room, though it took a long moment for everyone to realize that it was her. Never before had any of them seen the Mary Todd Lincoln Band and Chorus teacher in any color other than drab, unremarkable brown. Now she stood before them in a red leather skirt, hot pink leather boots, and a black leather jacket bristling with brass and copper studs. Her face had always been plain and unpainted; now she wore thick, elaborate slashes of makeup, in rich scarlet and purple, concentrated on her cheekbones and eyelashes like she was an Egyptian princess. Her hair, previously tied back in an unremarkable ponytail or hanging limply about her face, was now a wild, tousled pile of blacks and browns, teased across her eyes and streaked with red.\n\nThe person standing in Principal Van Vreeland's office hardly looked like Ms. Finkleman at all. She was a stranger, a stranger who had just climbed off a motorcycle that she had ridden in from somewhere smoky, dangerous, and dark.\n\nEven from the terrible depths of trouble she was in, Bethesda grinned to see her once-unremarkable music teacher so transformed. From the corner of her eye, she could see that Tenny was grinning, too.\n\nMs. Finkleman looked WR. _TWR._\n\nWhen everyone recovered from the shock of seeing Little Miss Mystery in person, Mr. Melville curtly invited her to take a seat and join the conversation. (Everyone recovered from the shock, that is, except for Jasper, who at the moment she crossed the threshold of the room fell completely, head over heels in love with Ida Finkleman. He heard not a word of the ensuing tense and combative conversation, as he was deep in his head, busily planning a wedding, honeymoon, and happy life together for himself and the new Mrs. Jasper Ferrars.)\n\nMr. Melville cleared his throat noisily. \"I am afraid,\" he began, leveling Ms. Finkleman with an iron stare, \"That these two children cheated on my American history test this morning.\"\n\nMs. Finkleman's eyes widened, and her heavily reddened lips formed into an O of shock and disappointment. \"They did...\" She turned to Bethesda and Tenny. \"You did _what?\"_\n\nThen, struck by something, she turned back to Mr. Melville. \"Wait. You gave your test _today?\"_\n\n\"Hardly the point,\" replied Mr. Melville heavily.\n\nIn a dither of impatience, Principal Van Vreeland snatched up the thread of the conversation. \"What matters at present is deciding what to do! And that ball, Ms. Finkleman, is in your court.\"\n\nAnd so Principal Van Vreeland laid the entire question at Ms. Finkleman's leather-boot clad feet: Did she, as the relevant instructor, consider the Choral Corral an in-class assignment? Or was it an extracurricular activity? Could the cheating students be barred from participation? Or not?\n\n\"Make up your mind quickly, please,\" Principal Van Vreeland concluded, aiming a stern finger at Ms. Finkleman. \"The Choral Corral begins in\u2014\" She grabbed Jasper's arm and twisted it around to look at his watch. \"Two minutes. I need you on that stage! \"\n\nMs. Finkleman looked around the room at all of them looking at her: Principal Van Vreeland with quivering impatience, Mr. Melville with self-righteous irritation, Tenny and Bethesda with silently pleading desperation. _Well done, rock star,_ she castigated herself bitterly. _Very well done._\n\nAt last she shook her head slightly. \"I'm sorry, children,\" she began. \"I'm afraid I must defer to\u2014\"\n\n\"What? \" Tenny leaped out of his chair. \"Come _on!_\n\nNO!\"\n\n\"Young man!\" bellowed Mr. Melville. \"Sit!\"\n\nBut Tenny Boyer had heard enough. He bolted the room, furious, and Bethesda shot off after him, slamming the door behind her. Ms. Finkleman lowered her head into her hands, a pair of tears trailing twin black trails of mascara down her cheeks.\n\n\"Okay! \" said Principal Van Vreeland cheerfully. \"Let's rock! \"\n\n# [28\n\n _\"JANITOR STEVE IS GONA FREAK\"_](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c28)\n\n_The original_ plan was for the kids to wait in the Band and Chorus room until it was their turn to go on, and then file down Hallway C to the auditorium. But after seeing a documentary about the Rolling Stones on PBS, Hayley Eisenstein came in one day and said that they really ought to have a green room. A green room, she explained to the others, is a special backstage area where rock stars hang out before a show. The way Hayley described it, it was like paradise: lots of mirrors, big comfy chairs, a minifridge stocked with all the candy and soda you could want. The green room Ms. Finkleman arranged for the students of sixth-period Music Fundamentals was a supply closet just off the auditorium stage, which had been vacated for the morning by Janitor Steve. The custodian had not been too happy about the arrangement, and had left copious evidence of his displeasure in the form of little yellow Post-its reading DO NOT TOUCH plastered all over the room.\n\nAs the minutes ticked down to the start of third period and the Choral Corral, Ms. Finkleman's students clustered in the center of the room, carefully NOT TOUCHING any of Janitor Steve's buckets or bottles or brooms, and wondering what was going on.\n\n\"You know what?\" said Ezra McClellan, drummer for the Careless Errors, nervously buttoning and unbuttoning the vintage jean jacket he had bought for the show. \"I bet the whole thing is called off.\"\n\n\"What? Why would it be called off? \" answered Bessie Stringer, in a blue sparkling evening gown modeled on one she had seen Aretha Franklin wear in a YouTube clip. (The kids had been responsible for their own outfits.)\n\n\"Uh, because our lead singer and lead guitarist aren't here,\" Ezra said sarcastically.\n\n\"Well, that's too bad for _your_ band, but all our band members _are_ here!\" retorted Todd Spolin of Band Number One, gingerly patting his hair, which he had spent twenty minutes aggressively moussing into a spiky pile. Hayley Eisenstein and Rory Daas of Half-Eaten Almond Joy agreed. \"No reason we can't go on.\"\n\n\"Man! I can't believe Bethesda and Tenny got arrested for cheating,\" groaned Chester Hu, shaking his head.\n\n\"They weren't _arrested,_ Chester,\" Victor Glebe corrected. \"A person can't get arrested for cheating.\"\n\n\"Oh. Huh. My dad totally lied to me.\" Victor and Chester were each wearing a single shiny glove, like Michael Jackson.\n\n\"What about Ms. Finkleman?\" wondered Guy Ficker, the Careless Errors' Hammond organ player. \"Shouldn't she be here by now? \"\n\n\"Oh my god! \" Natasha Belinsky brought her hand to her forehead in sudden astonishment. \"Maybe she was cheating, too! \"\n\n\"Cheating on what?\" said Violet Kelp. \"What are you talking about? \"\n\nTodd Spolin was shaking his head vigorously. \"You know what? Some of us studied for that test! Me and Natasha were at the library for over forty-five minutes last night, and we learned all that junk about George Washingmachine, and we shouldn't suffer just because certain _other_ people slacked off! \"\n\nEzra looked uncertain. Victor nodded in agreement and adjusted his silver glove. Hayley chewed her lip thoughtfully. Shelly Schwartz turned to Suzie and mouthed, \"Washingmachine?\"\n\nAll in all, it was a confused and tension-filled atmosphere in the Mary Todd Lincoln green room\/supply closet as, onstage, the Choral Corral began. The first performance was a set of polka numbers from the students of Amelia Earhart Junior High School, followed by a medley of show tunes from Buzz Aldrin Science and Technology Preparatory Middle School. Through it all, the Mary Todd Lincoln kids sat in silence in their green room, listening, twirling their drumsticks, cracking their knuckles, looking miserably at one another, and trying their best not to touch any of Janitor Steve's stuff. Some were more affected by the tension than others. Suzie Schwartz had to sit down on an overturned mop bucket with her head between her knees, overcome by nerves, and perhaps by the room's strong odor of ammonia.\n\nWhat were they going to do?\n\nIt was at this darkest moment that Pamela Preston made her move.\n\n\"I know it sounds crazy, guys, but maybe we should go back to singing folk ballads.\"\n\nFor a long moment, no one said a word. Victor Glebe scratched his head. Suzie looked up from where she sat on the mop bucket, looked green, and immediately looked down again at her bucket. Onstage, a Buzz Aldrin seventh grader reached for the high notes on \"Everything's Coming Up Roses.\"\n\nPamela was the only one dressed in what they'd been asked to wear for the Choral Corral, before the rock show came up: crisp black slacks and a white button-down dress shirt. \"I mean, we all know 'Greensleeves' still, right? I think\u2014I mean, I'm pretty sure I do. I remember my whole solo. This way at least we can still have a show, and we can all be in it. And we don't need Bethesda and Tenny, or Ms. Finkleman, to do it.\"\n\n\"Huh,\" said Ezra.\n\n\"Yeah,\" said Lisa Deckter. \"I mean, maybe...\"\n\nKids were nodding. Pamela's suggestion did make a certain amount of sense. Maybe it was better to do a perfectly fine performance of traditional English folk ballads from the sixteenth century than to do a half-baked rock show.\n\nBut then, from over by the mops, someone shouted, \"No! Absolutely not!\"\n\n\"I'm sorry? \" said Pamela, who was unscrewing the top to her water bottle, preparing to enjoy her moment in the spotlight after all.\n\n\"I said absolutely not,\" Kevin McKelvey repeated. \"And her name isn't Ms. Finkleman, either. Not today.\n\nHer name is Little Miss Mystery.\" The Piano Kid stood on the lowest rung of a stepladder and addressed the whole group. He wore his signature blue blazer, but he had meticulously covered the whole thing in rhinestones, and his red tie also. Kevin glittered as he waved his arms, exhorting his classmates. \"She's given us so much these last six weeks, people. I mean...\" He stopped for a second and took a deep breath. \"She changed our lives.\"\n\n\"Kevin, that is extremely, like, _touching,\"_ Pamela said with singsong sweetness. \"But if Ms. Fink\u2014sorry, if Little Miss Mystery _were_ here, wouldn't she want us to put on a good show? \"\n\n\"What we want to do is what's right! \" Kevin thundered. \"Right? We wait for them, and then we rock!\"\n\nKevin McKelvey and Pamela Preston stared at each other across the closet. No one said a word.\n\nThen the door flew open, and Tenny Boyer ran red-faced into the room.\n\n\"The rock show is off!\" he shouted, and slammed the door behind him, causing a giant pile of buckets to topple over and go skittering across the floor. (\"Oooh,\" whispered Rory Daas. \"Janitor Steve is not going to like that.\") Tenny continued, his normally placid face tear-streaked and twisted by rage. \"Forget it. We can do the stupid ballad whatevers.\"\n\n\"Well,\" said Pamela with a surprised smile. \"That answers that.\"\n\n\"What are you talking about? \" asked Chester Hu.\n\nKevin McKelvey looked angrily at Tenny from where he stood perched on the stepladder. _\"You_ can't call off the show, Tenny.\"\n\n\"I can! It's mine. Ms. Finkleman didn't create this show\u2014I did.\"\n\n\"Her name,\" cried Kevin, now as red-faced and angry as Tenny, \"is Little Miss Mystery! \"\n\n\"I don't care who she is,\" Tenny spat. \"She's been lying the whole time! Every note you've gotten, every idea, the whole plan came from me. She's nothing but a big fake. I bet she never even _was_ a rock star.\"\n\nEveryone looked around, stunned, trying to figure out what was going on, wondering if this could be true. Pamela Preston just grinned, thinking, _Oh my god! I was right!,_ and then, _Of course I was right. I'm Pamela Preston!_\n\nFrom the stage came the sounds of an Afro-Caribbean medley, being performed, terribly, by the students of J. Edgar Hoover Middle School.\n\nBraxton Lashey shook his head. \"I dunno. Why would Ms. Finkleman\u2014sorry, Kevin, Little Miss Mystery\u2014why would she lie to us?\"\n\n\"Well, uh...,\" Tenny stammered. \"I'm not totally sure. But she did.\"\n\nJust then the door flew open again, and Bethesda Fielding ran in and directly into Tenny, who bumped into a rack of disinfectant sprays, which clattered to the ground. (\"Oh, man,\" muttered Rory darkly. \"Janitor Steve is gonna _freak.\")_ Instantly aware of the entire sixth-period Music Fundamentals class staring at her in tense silence, Bethesda stopped short.\n\n\"Tell them, Bethesda,\" Tenny demanded. \"Tell them about the deal. Tell them the truth about Ms. Finkleman.\"\n\n\"Tenny... I...\"\n\nBethesda, avoiding Tenny's fierce stare, found herself staring at Kevin McKelvey. He looked back at her, mouth slightly open, eyes glistening with tears. \"It's not true,\" he said softly. \"Right?\"\n\nBethesda took an uncertain breath. From the auditorium, the crowd applauded politely for the students of J. Edgar Hoover. Next was A.C. Doyle Academy and their Celebration of Eastern European Folk Tradition\u2014then it would be Grover Cleveland, and then it would be their turn. The students of Music Fundamentals looked urgently at Bethesda, and for the second time that day she felt a hot flush creep up her neck to her face. Her Converse sneakers squeaked nervously on the green room's concrete floor.\n\n_I should tell them,_ she thought. _I should take Tenny's side._\n\nTenny was her friend. Also, he was right: Ms. Finkleman _was_ lying. Not only had she lied about the rock show, but she had never been a rock star at all. She was just a teacher, and not even the kind who stands up for her kids when they're in trouble.\n\n_But I can't tell them,_ she thought.\n\nBecause how could Bethesda reveal the secret truth about Ms. Finkleman to the whole school _\u2014again?_\n\n_So who's it going to be?_ Bethesda asked herself miserably. _Who are you going to hurt now?_\n\nThe door opened again, slowly this time, causing no further crashes or bangs. The woman who entered, with her red leather skirt, smeared punk-rock makeup, and wildly tousled hair, looked for all the world like Little Miss Mystery. But when she spoke, it was in the kind, soft voice of Mary Todd Lincoln Middle School's unremarkable music teacher.\n\n\"That's okay, dear,\" Ms. Finkleman said gently, placing a hand on Bethesda's shoulder. \"I'll tell them.\"\n\nIn the auditorium, Principal Isabella Van Vreeland and her assistant principal, Jasper, raced in and took their reserved seats just in time for the second-to-last group performance: Grover Cleveland Middle School.\n\nPrincipal Van Vreeland's eyes swept the auditorium, at the rows of rowdy Mary Todd Lincoln students and earnest, goofy Mary Todd Lincoln faculty. _These are my people,_ she thought proudly. _Today's victory belongs to them._\n\n_Also to me. Mostly to me._\n\nAfter a brief introduction from their bald, cheerful principal, Winston Cohn, the students of Grover Cleveland took the stage: twelve extremely attractive young people dressed identically in gold pants and silver shirts with black GC monograms on the lapel. The Grover Cleveland Band and Chorus teacher, who looked like a walrus, smoothed down his massive black mustache and signaled them to begin.\n\nThe Grover Cleveland students performed four Gregorian chants in intricate twelve-part harmony, each chant featuring an extended solo from a freakishly talented young man named Richard Beaumont. According to the program notes, this particular seventh grader had recently transferred to Grover Cleveland from a school in Mongolia, where his father had been the United States ambassador, and where Richard had mastered the ancient art of bitonal throat singing. He could, in other words, sing two notes at the same time, a skill possessed by only a couple hundred people on Earth, and which one therefore rarely sees displayed at middle-school choral competitions.\n\nAs Richard ululated vigorously through his final solo, Principal Cohn looked over his shoulder at Principal Van Vreeland and gave her a nice big wink. She ignored him.\n\n\"Don't you worry,\" whispered Principal Van Vreeland to Jasper, who was lost in thought, planning his dream wedding to Ms. Finkleman. \"Our rock-and-roll extravaganza will destroy these little snot-nosed showoffs.\"\n\nJust then, the booming baritone of the announcer filled the auditorium.\n\n\"Ladies and gentlemen, there is only one performance left! \" The slouching hordes of middle-school students sat up and burst into wild applause. Ms. Aarndini put down her knitting and clapped vigorously. Mr. Darlington leaned forward in his seat. The room filled with shouts and hollers.\n\n\"Whooooo!\"\n\n\"Yeah!\"\n\n\"Let's rock! \"\n\nAll the rumors, all the excitement, and all the speculation had been building up to this moment. What songs were they doing? Would there be a smoke machine? Was Ms. Finkleman really going to sing? (There were those, particularly among the sixth-grade boys, still hoping that _someone_ was going to bite the head off of _something.)_\n\n\"Are you ready? \" the announcer continued \"Are you pumped? Have you checked for gum under your seat? \" (The announcer was Janitor Steve). \"Then put your hands together for your very own... Mary Todd Lincoln Middle School!\"\n\nThe curtain flew up, revealing a full rock-and-roll stage setup. There were two guitars, an electric bass, and a keyboard, all resting on their stands, with long snaking cords connecting them to tall stacks of jet black amplifiers. There was a full drum kit, the bass drum adorned with the profile silhouette of Mary Todd Lincoln that was the school's official logo, though someone had given Mrs.\n\nLincoln a green spiky Mohawk for the occasion. There was a microphone in its stand, the stand festooned like a peacock with bright scarves.\n\nThe assembled students and teachers cheered loudly at the sight. They stomped their feet and hooted, holding aloft signs that read MARY TODD LINCOLN RULES and MS. FINKLEMAN ROCKS. And then they waited for the show to begin.\n\nAnd waited.\n\n\"I don't exactly know where to start, so I guess I'll start with my sister.\"\n\nAs Ms. Finkleman spoke, her students huddled together in Janitor Steve's closet, listening quietly. Pamela Preston leaned sulkily against a wall. Tenny Boyer glared from the far side of the closet, his arms folded across his chest, his hooded sweatshirt drawn up over his head.\n\n\"We're twins. Identical twins. She's four minutes, six seconds older than I am.\"\n\nMs. Finkleman hesitated, finding her way forward, and in that split second of silence, the name of Ms. Finkleman's sister leaped into Bethesda's mind\u2014she remembered the one tiny detail of that boring, standard-issue teacher's desk in the Band and Chorus room.\n\n\"Clementine,\" Ms. Finkleman said, just as Bethesda thought it. \"Her name is Clementine. We haven't spoken in fourteen years.\"\n\nSomeone breathed in sharply. Everyone thought the same thing. _Whoa. Fourteen years?_\n\nShelly and Suzie Schwartz looked wordlessly at each other, from where each sat on a patch of concrete, on opposite sides of Janitor Steve's closet. Suzie and Shelly weren't exactly best friends like some twins are, but each spoke more to the other than to anybody else. They spoke a zillion times a day. The idea of not talking to Shelly made Suzie sad in some deep place inside her stomach, and she was sure that Shelly felt the same.\n\n\"So, but why, is the question, right?\" Ms. Finkleman went on. \"And I wish, more than anything, that I had a better answer.\n\n\"We haven't spoken in so long because we had a fight. A stupid fight that somehow turned into something worse, something that never went away. Something that, in a sense, has poisoned my whole life. Yes, Chester?\"\n\n\"Can I go to the bathroom? \"\n\nThree different people, in unison, told Chester to shut up. Ms. Finkleman continued.\n\n\"We were both really into music, me and Clem. Well, her more than me.\" She smiled wistfully. \"I just liked hanging out with my sister. Anyway, when we were sophomores in high school, we started a band. The Red Herrings.\" Ms. Finkleman looked around at her students. \"It was us and a couple friends from school. But the other girls kind of came and went. Really the Red Herrings was just us, me and Clementine. We both played guitar, and we both sang. She wrote the songs.\n\n\"Of course, we were amazing. Or at least we thought we were amazing.\"\n\nPamela Preston cleared her throat noisily. \"Excuse me? I hate to be the responsible one here, but\u2014\"\n\n\"Stuff it for a second, will you, Pam?\" said Todd. Pamela's mouth dropped open, and she turned bright red, but no one noticed.\n\n\"The Red Herrings competed in this Battle of the Bands at a local community college. This hotshot producer from Chicago, a man named Buddy Pendleton, was the judge. And after the competition, he took us aside.\" She paused and took a breath. \"Well. He took Clementine aside.\"\n\nBuddy Pendleton had told Clementine Finkleman two things. Number one, she would never be a rock star with a name like Clementine Finkleman. And number two, her rhythm guitarist was dragging her down.\n\n\"Buddy Pendleton told her the Red Herrings had a shot at being huge. But not as long as I was in the band.\"\n\nIn the auditorium, the cheering died down and was replaced by an anxious and confused silence. Where were they?\n\nThe kids holding up signs began to tire and slowly lowered them. Ms. Pinn-Darvish coughed. Sally Esteban, an eighth grader, blew a bubble and popped it, and the crack echoed loudly through the huge room. From his seat in the second row, Winston Cohn craned his neck around and gave the fuming Principal Van Vreeland a glance that was one part perplexed and three parts gleeful.\n\nSeven rows back and dead center, Bethesda's dad cast a worried glance at Bethesda's mother, who had rushed across town from Mackenzie Magruder McHenry for the eleven o'clock show, and who needed to be back in time for a twelve thirty deposition.\n\n\"Clementine fired me from the Red Herrings. It was the most painful conversation I've ever had.\"\n\nMs. Finkleman risked a glance at Kevin McKelvey, who had said much the same thing to her about his recent argument with his parents. Kevin was staring at the floor, his arms crossed. She pressed on.\n\n\"Honestly, I don't even know why I cared so much. I was never as serious about rock music as Clementine. Which is probably the reason she was so good and I wasn't. I guess what hurt is that Clem didn't want to discuss what we were going to do. She had already made up her mind. She was just telling me. I was out of the band.\"\n\n\"Oh, man,\" said Guy Ficker with a long whistle. \"That stinks.\"\n\n_\"So_ UR,\" agreed Lisa Deckter solemnly.\n\n\"Seriously,\" Natasha Belinsky added. \"Lameness! How could she do that? \"\n\n\"How could she _not_ do it?\" countered Rory Daas. \"I mean, I'm sorry, Ms. Finkleman, but that was her chance to be a rock star. She had to go.\"\n\nMs. Finkleman gave her head a little shake. \"It doesn't matter what she did. It matters what _I_ did. She left, and I never got over it.\"\n\nA couple of weeks later, Clem announced she was moving to Chicago with the band. Their strict Midwestern parents tried to stop her, but Clementine was determined. \"And I let her go, without so much as a good-bye.\"\n\n\"Well, I mean, yeah,\" said Natasha, still horrified at what Ms. Finkleman's sister had done to her. \"What else could you do? \"\n\n\"I could have said good luck. I could have said that I was mad, but I still\u2014You know. I still loved her.\"\n\nBethesda Fielding thought of her father and the time he came to Biography Day in fifth grade, when she had been Charles Dickens. Her dad had videotaped her whole speech, and kept loudly asking other parents to duck their heads down, and afterward she had been embarrassed and irritated and told him he wasn't allowed to come to any more Biography Days. He looked pretty bummed, but said okay, and that she'd always be his Little Dickens, no matter what.\n\n\"But I thought I was the center of the universe,\" Ms. Finkleman continued. \"And anything good that happened to someone else somehow took something away from me.\"\n\nAt this, Pamela Preston bit anxiously at her lower lip and cast a complicated glance toward Bethesda Fielding.\n\n* * *\n\nIn the auditorium, the crowd got bored. The nervous silence blossomed into whispers, which erupted into raucous shouting and hollering and fart noises. Ms. Zmuda led her students out of the room and back to class, since they had a standardized-test prep session third period. A sixth grader had to go to the nurse when another sixth grader smacked him with his MS. FINKLEMAN ROCKS sign.\n\nJasper felt the familiar sting of perfectly manicured fingernails biting into his flesh.\n\n\"Go!\" hissed Principal Van Vreeland. \"Go find out what's happening! \"\n\n\"The more popular the Red Herrings became, the worse I felt. Like Clementine was getting successful just to hurt me. So silly. And then when their second album was a total flop, and North Side dropped them from the label, I felt like if I called her _then,_ she would think I was gloating, trying to make her feel bad.\"\n\n\"Whoa,\" Chester Hu said to Victor Glebe, who nodded gravely.\n\n\"Life is...,\" started Hayley Eisenstein, trying to find the words.\n\n\"It's a mystery,\" said Bethesda.\n\nMs. Finkleman wiped a single tear from her eye with the back of her hand. \"Anyway, I've tried very hard for a very long time not even to _think_ about rock music, because all it does is remind me of my sister, Clementine. Sweet, funny Clementine.\" Ms. Finkleman drew a deep breath and stood up straight. \"But then came Bethesda and her Special Project, and then Principal Van Vreeland got this idea and\u2014well, you know the rest.\n\n\"And, look,\" Ms. Finkleman concluded. \"I understand if you children don't want to go on. Tenny is right. I didn't really create this show you've all been working on so hard. And I am not really a rock star.\"\n\nKevin McKelvey raised his head, uncrossed his arms, and pointed right at Ms. Finkleman. \"Yes,\" he said simply, his rhinestone suit glimmering in the fluorescent supply closet lights. \"Yes, you are.\"\n\nThen Shelly Schwartz said, \"You _totally_ are.\"\n\nAnd then Chester and Victor, in unison, like a good rhythm section should be: \"Of _course_ you are.\"\n\nIn the months to come no one could remember exactly who it was that spoke next. Everyone was thinking the same thing, so in the moment it didn't really matter who actually said the words.\n\n\"Tenny? What should we do?\"\n\nBefore Tenny could answer, the PA system crackled back to life. \"Let's try this one more time,\" Janitor Steve said. \"Please put your hands together\u2014and put your trash in the proper receptacles\u2014for the students of Mary Todd Lincoln Middle School!\"\n\nThe door to the supply closet flew open, and Jasper entered in a mad panic, frantic and panting, not noticing the bottle of all-purpose cleanser he crushed under his foot. \"Children!\" he said. \"What are you doing?\"\n\nTenny looked at Bethesda, who looked back at him. They exchanged their secret nod. Tenny turned to his fellow students and said, \"Go rock.\"\n\n# [29\n\n _THE ROCK SHOW_](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#c29)\n\n_Ms. Petrides,_ the English teacher, would probably disagree, but the truth is, certain things can't be described in words. The rock show presented by the students of sixth-period Music Fundamentals was one of those things. Even when everyone at school had long since learned the secret truth about Ms. Finkleman (the _real_ truth) and the day had passed when everyone thought a genuine rock star walked among them\u2014everyone could agree on one thing: That show was _awesome._\n\nChester Hu _wailed_ on the drums.\n\nSuzie Schwartz's bass playing was soulful and dynamic.\n\nCarmine Lopez strutted around and waggled his tongue _and_ played rhythm guitar in perfect tempo.\n\nBraxton Lashey made it through the entire show without hurting himself, though it was later revealed he had Krazy Glued his keyboard to the stand so it wouldn't fall off.\n\nBessie Stringer and Tucker Wilson were a killer horn section, note perfect on both their unison parts and their four-step shuffling choreography.\n\nKevin McKelvey's solo on \"Livin' on a Prayer\" was exuberant and acrobatic. He straddled the bench, shimmied his skinny frame, alternately battered and massaged the keys, and (at the end of it) did barrel rolls all over the stage. The whole time, teachers who had him in their other classes were checking their programs to make sure it was him.\n\nAs for Ms. Finkleman... Ms. Finkleman _rocked._\n\nIda, who as her students had just learned, had not sung a rock song for over a decade, grabbed the microphone and howled riotously through the entire set without dropping a note. To the delight of the enthusiastic crowd, she shook her leather-clad hips, bared her teeth, and banged rhythmically on a tambourine.\n\nIt was _remarkable._\n\nThere were very few people in attendance that day who did not thoroughly enjoy Mary Todd Lincoln's performance at the Seventeenth Annual Choral Corral. One person was Principal Winston Cohn of Grover Cleveland Middle School, who sank lower and lower in his seat, until by the end of the set he was basically a puddle of green blazer and bald head.\n\nThe others were Bethesda's father and mother, who throughout the show exchanged puzzled looks: _Where was she?_\n\nStanding just offstage, Bethesda Fielding watched Tenny Boyer watch the show. Again they were isolated, as they had been on the principal's bench, trapped together on the sideline of events. For the second time that day, Bethesda experienced this bizarre sensation\u2014here was this strange, spacey kid, who she barely even knew two months ago. And now their fates had somehow been tied together.\n\nAs Tenny watched, his fingers played along with the guitar parts, describing chords in the empty air. His feet shuffled slightly as he ghosted the dance breaks. He played phantom drums and mouthed all the lyrics.\n\n\"This show is amazing,\" Bethesda said, speaking loudly over the vigorous applause for Band Number One's performance of \"I Got You.\" \"You totally lived up to your end of the bargain, Tenny. You should be really proud.\"\n\n\"Yeah,\" he replied simply, and she could tell that he _was_ proud. \"You should be, too.\"\n\nBethesda snorted. \"Are you kidding me? I'm a disaster! I _had_ to have the best Special Project, and it turns out what I discovered was completely wrong. And then I _had_ to make sure you passed Melville. That didn't go so well either, in case you hadn't noticed.\"\n\n\"Yeah. But listen.\"\n\nThere was something serious in Tenny's voice, and when she looked at him she felt it again\u2014that weird shiver of special connection. _To Tenny Boyer! Of all people._\n\n\"You should be proud,\" Tenny explained, \"because you made a promise\u2014\" \"You mean the deal? \"\n\n\"A promise. You made a promise, and you stuck to it. And you kept trying even when it was obvious I wasn't going to get it. You kept trying up to the point where you did something, you know, moronic.\"\n\nBethesda thought about making a joke\u2014because basically he had just called her a moron and all\u2014but she didn't.\n\n\"We're not in the rock show,\" Tenny concluded. \"But I wouldn't trade this semester for anything.\"\n\nAt that moment, \"Livin' on a Prayer\" kicked into the big solo section and the light scheme changed from blue to red, so Tenny didn't notice how thoroughly Bethesda was blushing. Fortunately for her, their conversation was interrupted by a low, grumbling voice.\n\n\"How's the show?\"\n\nMr. Melville stood in his enormous brown sport jacket with his arms crossed, his hulking presence entirely unsuited to the cord-strewn, dimly lit backstage. At his appearance, Tenny scowled and turned his attention back to the stage, but Bethesda looked Mr. Melville straight in the eye. For once, she knew exactly what she was supposed to say.\n\n\"Mr. Melville, I'm sorry we cheated on your test. It was wrong.\"\n\n\"Yes. It was.\" Mr. Melville tapped Tenny on the shoulder. \"And you, sir? \"\n\nTenny reluctantly turned away from the stage and regarded Mr. Melville sulkily. \"What? Now we're not even allowed to watch? \"\n\nBethesda had a hunch what was going on, and she stomped on Tenny's toe. On stage, Half-Eaten Almond Joy was finishing \"Livin' on a Prayer,\" which meant the Careless Errors would be next.\n\n\"What? \" Tenny mouthed to her.\n\n\"Say it, dummy!\" she mouthed back.\n\nMr. Melville waited, arms folded, eyebrows raised. Tenny sighed.\n\n\"I'm\u2014uh\u2014\" He looked straight at Mr. Melville. \"I'm sorry, dude.\"\n\nOn stage, Ms. Finkleman announced the final song of the three-song set.\n\n\"Well.\" Mr. Melville sighed. \"Given the urgency of the situation, I shall accept your mea culpa, inarticulate and grudging though it might be.\"\n\n\"Huh?\" said Tenny. \"What does that mean?\"\n\nMr. Melville smiled. Even his eyebrows seemed to smile. \"It means, go play your guitar, kid.\"\n\n\"One! Two! _One, two, three, four!_ \" hollered Ezra at the drum kit, clicking his sticks and counting the Careless Errors into their big number. Bethesda grabbed Tenny by the forearm and yanked him onto the stage.\n\nBethesda and Tenny's last-minute appearance\u2014just in time for Bethesda to grab the mike for the first lyric, and for Tenny to grab a guitar and play the first of his colorful lead riffs\u2014shot another million volts through what was already a totally electric performance. Bethesda sang exuberantly, and the whole band sang along with her.\n\nEven Pamela Preston shook her maracas with admirable vigor. Soon the other sixth-period Music Fundamentals kids all ran back on stage to sing and exhort the crowd and just generally leap and dance around the stage.\n\n\"Let's go away for a while, you and I! \" they sang. \"To a strange and distant land...\"\n\nBy the end of the final chorus, after Tenny's wicked guitar solo, everyone in the auditorium was singing along.\n\n\"Holiday! Far away! \"\n\nAfter the closing chords, the crowd cheered like crazy.\n\nThey cheered even louder when Ms. Finkleman announced that it was this young man right here, Tennyson Boyer, who had created and directed the entire performance.\n\nAnd they cheered the loudest of all when Tenny grabbed the mike to say thanks, and give all the credit to Benjamin Franklin, Paul Revere, and Bethesda Fielding.\n\nFrom seven rows back and dead center, Bethesda's dad dabbed tears from his eyes and loudly blew his nose and clapped more than anyone\u2014except for Bethesda's mom, that is, who had decided that missing her deposition, this one time, wouldn't be the end of the world.\n\nAn encore was demanded, as Tenny had known it would be. \"This song,\" he announced, flashing a smile at Ms. Finkleman, \"is by my all-time favorite punk band.\" And with that, the students of sixth-period Music Fundamentals launched into \"Not So Complicated,\" by Little Miss Mystery and the Red Herrings\u2014the song that Bethesda had played for them off a battered old seven-inch record in Mr. Melville's class, way, way back in February, before the whole world turned upside down. It was a chaotic version, with three guitars, three basses, three keyboards, and so much supplemental percussion that you never could have heard the words, except that twenty-four students and their teacher were all singing them in raucous unison.\n\nBethesda Fielding the Rock Star, at the center of it all, sang and bounced around the stage as she had sung and bounced around her room. She sang and bounced and traded excited glances with the blue-hooded sweatshirt-wearing guitarist to her left. She glimpsed her parents in the audience, grinning and proud, and winced; she knew some difficult conversations lay ahead. But for now, in this moment, she twirled around and clutched the mike like it was all that mattered in the world, and felt something inside her flickering and buzzing and making all kinds of wild patterns. It felt like Christmas lights.\n\n# [_Epilogue_\n\n **JUNE**](9780062011886_epub_toc_r1.htm#epl)\n\n_Ms. Finkleman_ was still not the most popular teacher at Mary Todd Lincoln Middle School. Even after the acknowledged triumph of the rock show, the revelation that she had never really been a punk-rock singer dimmed her star more than a little. Besides, the new seventh-grade science teacher, Ms. Rodrigo, was teaching her kids how to make explosions using corn syrup, wax paper, and a teaspoonful of mouthwash. It's hard to top that.\n\nIda certainly didn't mind regaining just a tad of her former unremarkableness. What was nice, though, was that the respectful silence, which had so surprised her on the day of Bethesda Fielding's Special Project, never entirely went away. And so she was left, in the aftermath of the Choral Corral, with nearly everything a middle-school music teacher could want. She had her days at school, which could now be more than survived\u2014they could be enjoyed. And she had her evenings at home, with her tea and her comfortable chair and her stereo. Now, however, she alternated: Some nights she listened to Mozart and Haydn, and some nights to James Brown, or to Weezer, or to Little Miss Mystery and the Red Herrings.\n\nAnd one afternoon, a week or so before the end of the school year, Bethesda Fielding stopped by after school.\n\n\"Okay,\" Bethesda began, sheepishly. \"Don't kill me.\"\n\nMs. Finkleman narrowed her eyes suspiciously at the notebook Bethesda clutched in her right hand, which was labeled SPDSTAMF, and said, \"I'm not making any promises.\"\n\n\"It's just that there's one thing bothering me. About this whole thing. One little mystery that's left. And I totally wouldn't bug you, except\u2014well, if I finish seventh grade without knowing the answer, I think it will drive me insane.\"\n\n\"You know what you are?\" Ms. Finkleman sighed. \"You are incorrigible.\"\n\n\"I know, I know. But listen. So you got kicked out of the Red Herrings when you were still a sophomore in high school. And you said yourself it was Clementine who was the one who was really into rock, even then. And that after the whole thing, you never really developed a taste for rock at all. Only classical.\"\n\n\"Yes. So?\"\n\n\"So you said your parents were really strict, which means you couldn't have gotten it when you were in high school.\"\n\n\"Gotten what? \"\n\n\"That tattoo! Ms. Finkleman, when did you get the Ozzy Osbourne tattoo?\"\n\nMs. Finkleman could only laugh.\n\n\"What? \" said Bethesda, getting a little embarrassed. _\"What?\"_\n\n\"I got it when I graduated with a master's degree in arts education,\" she explained, still chuckling as she rolled up her sleeve to reveal a man with long, wild hair and piercing eyes. \"And it's not Ozzy Osbourne. It's Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.\"\n\nThat night Ms. Finkleman made herself a cup of tea and picked up a stack of neat note cards, on which she had written all the things she had to say, and the order in which she would say them.\n\nBut when Clementine answered the phone, she just started talking and didn't look at her cards at all.\n\n* * *\n\nOn the last day of seventh grade, Bethesda Fielding and Tenny Boyer, who would be attending different schools in the fall, biked together to Pilverton Mall to split a farewell Cinnabon. At the food court they talked about music, and the Choral Corral, and the world Tenny would be leaving behind. They agreed they'd \"try to hang out every once in a while,\" which is not a particularly firm commitment. But for some reason Tenny was grinning conspicuously as he said it, and Bethesda found herself grinning, too, and discovered in addition that her sneaker was bopping happily against the table leg.\n\nAt precisely four o'clock, the kids bussed their trays and watched Chef Pilverton emerge from his familiar hiding place within the clock across from Arthur Treacher's. And then, a moment later, a _second_ Chef Pilverton emerged beside the first. Tenny and Bethesda looked at each other, confused. _Two Chef Pilvertons? What the..._\n\nAnd the really strange thing was that neither Chef Pilverton was a giant animatronic puppet. They both appeared to be real live human beings. In fact, they were both middle-school principals, living up to the terms of a most unusual wager. \"Bonjour! \" said Principal Winston Cohn, waving a big rolling pin in the air. _\"Laissez les bon temps rouler,\"_ added Principal Van Vreeland miserably, adjusting the giant white chef's hat that flopped over her eyes.\n\nBoth, as it turned out, were losing principals. The winner of the All-County Choral Corral had been neither Mary Todd Lincoln nor Grover Cleveland, but the Band and Chorus department of Preston Sturges Middle School for the Arts, who had presented a program of traditional English folk ballads from the sixteenth century.\n\nTenny and Bethesda laughed as they left the mall. Outside they hopped on their bikes and headed to Bethesda's house. Tenny had written a song about the Special Project, and the rock show, and the whole crazy semester\u2014the song was called \"The Secret Life of Ms. Finkleman,\" and he really wanted Bethesda to hear it.\n\n# _Acknowledgments_\n\nTo all the people with whom I've rocked, I salute you, especially everyone affiliated with the following ragtag musical concerns: Corm, The Miracle Cures, Lisa Hooks Up, and Sislen & Winters.\n\nThanks to the students of PS 344 (The Anderson School) and PS 77 (Lower Lab) for teaching me how to write.\n\nThanks to comedienne\/memoirist\/friend Abby Sher, who introduced me to my warmhearted and tough-minded agent, Molly Lyons. And to Molly for bringing me to my editor, Sarah Sevier, who made this process totally clamfoodle.\n\nThanks to my family\u2014wife, kids, parents, brother, in-laws, everyone\u2014for making possible my preposterous career.\n\n_The Secret Life of Ms. Finkleman_ was written in the Writers Room in New York City.\n\n# Copyright\n\nLivin' on a Prayer  \nWords and Music by Jon Bon Jovi, Desmond Child, and Richie Sambora Copyright \u00a9 1986 UNIVERSAL-POLYGRAM INTERNATIONAL PUBLISHING, INC., BON JOVI PUBLISHING, AND AGGRESSIVE MUSIC ALL RIGHTS FOR BON JOVI PUBLISHING CONTROLLED AND ADMINISTERED BY UNIVERSAL-POLYGRAM INTERNATIONAL PUBLISHING, INC. ALL RIGHTS FOR AGGRESSIVE MUSIC ADMINISTERED BY SONY\/ATV MUSIC PUBLISHING LLC, 8 Music Square West, Nashville, TN 37203  \n _Reprinted by permission of Hal Leonard Corporation_\n\nHoliday  \nWords and Music by Rivers Cuomo  \nCopyright \u00a9 1994 E.O. Smith Music  \nInternational Copyright Secured. All Rights Reserved.  \n _Reprinted by permission of Hal Leonard Corporation_\n\nGreat Balls of Fire  \nWords and Music by Otis Blackwell and Jack Hammer  \nCopyright \u00a9 1957 by Chappell & Co. and Unichappell Music Inc.  \nCopyright Renewed  \nInternational Copyright Secured. All Rights Reserved.  \n _Reprinted by permission of Hal Leonard Corporation_\n\nThe Secret Life of Ms. Finkleman  \nCopyright \u00a9 2010 by Ben H. Winters\n\nAll rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.\n\nEPub Edition \u00a9 AUGUST 2010 ISBN: 978-0-062-01188-6\n\nwww.harpercollinschildrens.com\n\nLibrary of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data\n\nWinters, Ben H.  \nThe secret life of Ms. Finkleman\/Ben H. Winters.  \np. cm.  \nSummary: Spurred by a special project from her social studies teacher, seventh-grader Bethesda Fielding uncovers the secret identity of her music teacher, which leads to a most unusual concert performance and a tutoring assignment.  \nISBN 978-0-06-196541-8  \n[1. Middle schools\u2014Fiction. 2. Schools\u2014Fiction. 3. Teachers\u2014Fiction. 4. Secrets\u2014Fiction. 5. Musicians\u2014Fiction. 6. Rock music\u2014Fiction. 7. Tutors and tutoring\u2014Fiction.]  \nI. Title.  \nPZ7.W7667Sec 2010 2010004601  \n[Fic]\u2014dc22 CIP  \nAC\n\nTypography by Alison Klanthor  \n10 11 12 13 14 LP\/RRDB 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1\n\nFIRST EDITION\n\n# About the Publisher\n\n**Australia**  \nHarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty. Ltd.  \n25 Ryde Road (PO Box 321)  \nPymble, NSW 2073, Australia  \nhttp:\/\/www.harpercollinsebooks.com.au\n\n**Canada**  \nHarperCollins Canada  \n2 Bloor Street East - 20th Floor  \nToronto, ON, M4W 1A8, Canada  \nhttp:\/\/www.harpercollinsebooks.ca\n\n**New Zealand**  \nHarperCollinsPublishers (New Zealand) Limited  \nP.O. Box 1 Auckland,  \nNew Zealand  \nhttp:\/\/www.harpercollinsebooks.co.nz\n\n**United Kingdom**  \nHarperCollins Publishers Ltd.  \n77-85 Fulham Palace Road  \nLondon, W6 8JB, UK  \nhttp:\/\/www.harpercollinsebooks.co.uk\n\n**United States**  \nHarperCollins Publishers Inc.  \n10 East 53rd Street  \nNew York, NY 10022  \nhttp:\/\/www.harpercollinsebooks.com\n","meta":{"redpajama_set_name":"RedPajamaBook"}}
+{"text":" \nEleanor,  \nCountess of Desmond\n\n**Anne Chambers**\n\n_Gill & Macmillan_\nContents\n\nCover\n\nTitle page\n\nChronology\n\nPrologue\n\nChapter 1: The Baron's Daughter\n\nChapter 2: The Feud\n\nChapter 3: The Lady of Desmond\n\nChapter 4: Exile\n\nChapter 5: A Troubled Homecoming\n\nChapter 6: Diplomacy and Intrigue\n\nChapter 7: Rebellion\n\nChapter 8: The Pauper Countess\n\nChapter 9: The Chatelaine\n\nEpilogue\n\nAppendix: The 'Old' Countess of Desmond\n\nGenealogical Tables\n\nReferences\n\nBibliography\n\nCopyright\n\nAbout the Author\n\nAbout Gill & Macmillan\nChronology\n\n1545Eleanor born at Kiltinan castle\n\n1547Death of Henry VIII\n\n1558Accession of Elizabeth I\n\n1558Gerald FitzGerald becomes fourteenth Earl of Desmond\n\n1565Eleanor marries Gerald\n\n1565Battle of Affane\n\n1565Gerald taken prisoner to England\n\n1565Sir Henry Sidney appointed Lord Deputy\n\n1565Gerald returns from captivity\n\n1566Birth of Eleanor's first daughter\n\n1567Gerald imprisoned in Dublin Castle\n\n1567Gerald and Sir John sent to the Tower\n\n1568Eleanor administers the Desmond estates\n\n1569First Desmond Rebellion\n\n1570Eleanor in Tower of London\n\n1570Eleanor and Gerald under restraint in Kent\n\n1570Sir John Perrot, President of Munster\n\n1570Excommunication of Elizabeth I\n\n1571Birth of Eleanor's son, James, in London\n\n1572St Bartholomew's Day Massacre, Paris\n\n1573Eleanor and Gerald granted audience with Elizabeth I\n\n1573Eleanor and Gerald return to Ireland\n\n1573Gerald detained in Dublin\n\n1573Gerald escapes to Munster\n\n1573Eleanor and Gerald welcomed at Lough Gur\n\n1574Gerald re-captures Castlemaine and Castlemartyr\n\n1574Meeting of Eleanor and Gerald with Earl of Essex at Waterford\n\n1574Signing of Combination Document\n\n1574Ormond destroys Derrinlaur Castle\n\n1575Eleanor writes to Queen Elizabeth\n\n1575James FitzMaurice departs for St Malo\n\n1575Eleanor seeks the return of her son\n\n1575Sidney re-appointed Lord Deputy\n\n1576Sir William Drury appointed President of Munster\n\n1577Eleanor intervenes with Drury\n\n1577Eleanor and Gerald take refuge in Kerry\n\n1578Tentative peace accord with Drury\n\n1578Eleanor and Gerald bid farewell to Sidney in Dublin\n\n1578Eleanor sends Elizabeth a gift of marten skins\n\n1579Eleanor re-united with her son\n\n1579FitzMaurice and Papal Force land at Smerwick Harbour\n\n1579Second Desmond Rebellion\n\n1579Murder of Davells and Carter\n\n1579Death of James FitzMaurice\n\n1579Eleanor entrusts her son to Drury\n\n1579Askeaton Abbey desecrated by Sir Nicholas Malby\n\n1579William Pelham, Lord Justice\n\n1579Eleanor intercedes with Pelham\n\n1579Earl of Desmond proclaimed traitor\n\n1579Third Desmond Rebellion\n\n1580Eleanor thwarted in her efforts to go to Queen Elizabeth\n\n1580Gerald sacks Youghal\n\n1580Destruction of Carraigafoyle and Askeaton\n\n1580Eleanor and Gerald on the run in Munster\n\n1580Eleanor entrusts her daughters to her sisters\n\n1580Pelham and Ormond combine against the Desmond forces\n\n1580Eleanor and Gerald hunted by English\n\n1580Winter delivers Eleanor's letter to Court\n\n1580Execution of Sir James Fitzgerald at Cork\n\n1580Sir Arthur Grey de Wilton, Lord Deputy\n\n1580Massacre of Spanish at D\u00fan-an-\u00d3ir\n\n1581Death of Dr Sanders\n\n1582Death of Sir John of Desmond\n\n1582Eleanor intercedes with Grey at Maryborough\n\n1582Eleanor rejoins Gerald on the run\n\n1583Ormond leads the final push against Gerald\n\n1583Gerald tries to negotiate\n\n1583Eleanor and Gerald part\n\n1583Eleanor submits to Ormond\n\n1583Gerald killed near Tralee\n\n1584Sir John Perrot, Lord Deputy\n\n1584Eleanor and her daughters in Dublin Castle\n\n1584Eleanor's son sent to the Tower of London\n\n1585Formal attainder of Desmond estate\n\n1585Eleanor attempts to salvage part of estate\n\n1586Eleanor and her daughters reduced to penury\n\n1587Eleanor petitions Elizabeth\n\n1588Eleanor makes her way to the English Court\n\n1588Spanish Armada\n\n1588Eleanor received by Elizabeth in St James's Palace\n\n1588Elizabeth authorises pardon and pension for Eleanor and her daughters\n\n1588Eleanor visits her son in the Tower. Petitions the Queen for further support\n\n1592Red Hugh O'Donnell escapes from Dublin Castle\n\n1595Hugh O'Neill and O'Donnell conspire with Spain\n\n1597Eleanor marries Sir Donogh O'Connor Sligo\n\n1597Eleanor and Donogh settle in Collooney Castle\n\n1597Sir Conyers Clifford, President of Connaught\n\n1597Battle of the Yellow Ford\n\n1597Earl of Essex, Lord Deputy\n\n1599Siege of Collooney Castle by O'Donnell\n\n1599Battle of Curlew Mountains\n\n1599Donogh submits to O'Donnell\n\n1600Lord Mountjoy, Lord Deputy\n\n1600Return of Eleanor's son to Munster\n\n1601Death of Eleanor's son in Tower of London\n\n1601Battle of Kinsale\n\n1603Death of Elizabeth I\n\n1603Eleanor at Court of James I\n\n1603Assistance from Robert Cecil\n\n1607Eleanor and Donogh in legal battles with new colonists\n\n1609Death of Sir Donogh O'Connor Sligo\n\n1613Eleanor wins legal battle for possession of Sligo estate\n\n1619Desmond title bestowed on Sir Richard Preston and subsequently on the Earl of Denbigh\n\n1638Eleanor's will and death\nPrologue\n\n_Out of every corner of the woods and glens they  \ncame creeping forth upon their hands for their  \nlegs could not bear them, they looked like  \nanatomies of death, they spoke like ghosts, crying  \nout of their graves, they did eat the dead carrions,  \nhappy where they could find them, yea, and one  \nanother soon after, insomuch as the very carcasses  \nthey spared not to scrape out of their graves and if  \nthey found a plot of watercresses or shamrocks,  \nthere they flocked as to a feast for a time, yet not  \nable long to continue there withal, that in short  \nspace there were none almost left, and a most  \npopulous and plentiful country suddenly left void  \nof man or beast._\n\nEDMUND SPENSER\n\nEdmund Spenser's horrific account of starvation, cannibalism and decay described the state of the most fertile province of Ireland in 1582. The celebrated poet and civil servant bore witness to the dreadful spectacle that appalled his eyes and compelled his stern Elizabethan heart to cry out in pity.\n\nA once rich province, the size of modern Holland, Munster lay devastated. Lush green pasturelands were torched to a blackened heath, devoid of crops or animals. Famine stalked rampant through the vales and over the gently sloping hills. Among the smouldering remains the skeletal figures of the surviving peasantry foraged in vain. The castles and keeps of the local aristocracy lay in ruins, open to the unrelenting icy rain that hissed in vengeance on the smoking embers. The people were scattered and hid like wild beasts in the fortresses of Munster's rugged mountain ranges and in her great, dark forests and  wild glens. They peered silently through the bare branches and waited. They awaited the return of the great overlord their master to whom, by tradition as ancient as the vast oak forests that sheltered them, they had given their absolute allegiance. They waited for him to lead them once more into battle in the bloody and futile war that for over three years had raged and ravaged the countryside.\n\nBut the great overlord shared the same fate as his clansmen. Askeaton castle, the mighty pile on the banks of the River Deel, the symbol of his family's once proud and powerful heritage, lay in ruins. A company of English horse was stabled in its great banqueting hall. Its lord was hunted like a wild animal over the despoiled estates of his Munster lordship. From the lowly wattle huts of his kern, from cold mountain caves to the ruined fortresses of his ancestors, through the marshy recesses of the Glen of Aherlow, into the dark forest of Kylemore and across the tortuous mountain passes to the west, Garrett FitzGerald, the fourteenth earl of the ancient and noble House of Desmond, fled for his life.\n\nHe had many impediments in his headlong flight. His once populous army had vanished, decimated more by famine and fear than by actual engagement with the enemy. His erstwhile allies had, one by one, forsaken him. Every friend had become a potential foe as the price on his head increased. His inheritance of over a half million acres of land in Munster provided the incentive and the scent to the eager English greyhounds who leaped from the slips in pursuit. But perhaps the greatest impediment to his safety stemmed from his own physical disabilities. His body had succumbed to the effects of palsy and the Irish ague, the result of lengthy periods of imprisonment and deprivation, aggravated by the dampness that oozed up from the marshes and bogs and by the rain that dripped incessantly from the bushes and undergrowth in which he hid, or from the sodden thatch of the kerns' cabins when he managed a fitful night's respite from the elements and the enemy. Yet despite these overwhelming liabilities, the earl had one remaining asset\u2014his countess, Eleanor.\n\nBy 1582 Garrett and Eleanor had been married for seventeen years. It had, at first sight, seemed an unlikely match\u2014the pale, proud Geraldine widower and the lively young girl from the rival Butler family. But Eleanor had soon proved her worth by bringing to the marriage certain qualities\u2014coolness, prudence, pragmatism, skill in diplomacy, and an instinctive grasp of political realities\u2014which might  offset the less balanced traits of her husband. For the earl's outlook was rooted firmly in the feudal tradition of a bygone era from which he derived his jealously-guarded status as the absolute ruler of a territory larger than that of any other magnate in either England or Ireland. His pride and vanity and his aristocratic temperament made it impossible for him to come to terms with the challenges of a new age, typified by the Tudor monarchy, with its commitment to progress, reform, modernisation and the establishment of strong, central government. Such ideals were anathema to the autocratic Earl of Desmond, and were bitterly resented by him as an intolerable affront to his ancient and customary rights, powers and privileges. His diehard attitude set him inevitably on a collision course with the relentless forces of change; and the struggle, if he persisted in it, could have only one outcome. His young wife, with her greater intelligence and political awareness, perceived the likely trend of future events and determined to do everything in her power to safeguard her husband's interests and try to make him adapt to the unfamiliar new power structure in Munster. And even if Garrett himself was doomed to destruction, Eleanor saw it as her duty to ensure the preservation of his earldom for their son and heir.\n\nWith great skill and courage, the capable and strong-willed countess set about her difficult task. She first sought to act as a moderating influence on her volatile and headstrong husband. Where he threatened and raged against his English opponents, she counselled caution and diplomacy. Where he engaged in wild schemes or contemplated treasonable conspiracies, she conducted negotiations on his behalf with government officials. Where he took reckless and precipitate action, she moved swiftly to defuse the dangerous situation. On numerous occasions she mitigated the ill effects of his irresponsible and, at times, irrational behaviour. Eleanor had also to contend with threats from other quarters. Ruthless Tudor administrators intent on the 'pacification' of Ireland; rapacious English soldiers and government officials; neighbouring lords, envious of the earl's vast domain; power-hungry rivals from within his own family\u2014all these desired Garrett's downfall and hoped to profit from the confiscation of his estates.\n\nThe precarious political state of affairs in Munster was further complicated by the intrusion of a new ideological dimension arising from developments in international politics. On the one hand, a group  of Catholic zealots were attempting to use Munster as a cockpit from which to launch a crusade, with papal and continental backing, against the 'heretical' English Queen, while on the other, the fanatical Puritan officers of the English army were remorselessly determined to stamp out every vestige of papal influence. Finally, there was the age-old problem posed by the multitude of undisciplined, idle swordsmen who surrounded the earl and whose only trade was war and rapine. There was no future for such men in the new Ireland that was slowly and painfully coming into being; the archaic world of these Gaelic and gaelicised clansmen was already doomed, and if their hereditary overlord, the Earl of Desmond, allowed his interests to be identified with theirs, then his fate too was sealed.\n\nEleanor's efforts in the face of such opposition made many demands on her varied abilities and on her courage. It was she who single-handedly administered the Desmond estates and revenues during her husband's long absence in England. It was she who loyally shared his years of sordid captivity, nursed him through his illnesses, and petitioned for his release. It was she who kept a close watch on the devious activities of his enemies in Munster and on the even more sinister machinations of certain of his own kinsmen and followers. It was she who conducted important negotiations with successive governors and central and provincial administrators. Her concern for the future of the earldom of Desmond led her to confront the Queen of England and to maintain contact with her over the years by means of astutely worded diplomatic missives. The cold hostility initially displayed by the unfriendly sovereign was gradually replaced by a grudging respect for the Irish countess. In her endeavours to save the Desmond inheritance from confiscation and dismemberment, there was no one, English or Irish, who played a significant role in the affairs of Ireland with whom Eleanor did not confer.\n\nAnd now, even after her husband had been proclaimed a traitor and a rebel, she refused to give up hope. Her home had been destroyed, her children scattered, her husband hunted as a fugitive, forced to seek refuge in remote forests and glens. Now once again, as the harsh winter weather penetrated the densely wooded Glen of Aherlow in the early weeks of 1582, she shared the misery and humiliation of his furtive existence\u2014now cowering beneath a thick mass of undergrowth, where the exhausted earl had collapsed, while a scouting party of English soldiers from the garrison at Kilmallock scoured the area in  search of them; now swiftly mounting her horse and decoying the soldiers on a mad chase further and further away from her husband's place of refuge; now wearily returning to nurse the ailing and semi-crippled earl; now composing a letter to the Privy Council; now dashing off northwards to intercede with the Lord Deputy or one of his officials; now suddenly reappearing with news of the approach of another posse of soldiers; now hurrying with Garrett from one wretched hiding-place to another.\n\nThe life of Eleanor Butler FitzGerald, Countess of Desmond is testimony to the struggle of a courageous, spirited, enduring and gritty woman who refused to abandon hope in the face of an inexorable fate which sucked more powerful than she into its maw. And while it may appear that she failed ultimately in her goal to save her husband, her family, her home and her inheritance, her failure is heroic, her path towards it a triumph of the human spirit. One can only stand and applaud in amazement and admiration this forgotten heroine of the Tudor wars in Ireland.\n\nWhile Eleanor may have lived 500 years ago, the personal trauma she experienced by the violent and systematic destruction of the fabric of her native society and way of life has reverberation and relevance today. Women in Bosnia, Somalia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Palestine and elsewhere, the mothers, wives, grandmothers, widows, sisters and daughters of the indigenous populations, have lived and continue to live through political, military and social upheaval, their lives torn asunder by forces, both foreign and local, over which they have little control. And yet despite such insurmountable odds, in the midst of such a hostile environment, these unsung heroines continue to protect, nurture and provide for their families and keep hope alive.\n\nAnd it is to these brave women this book is dedicated.\nChapter 1\n\nThe Baron's Daughter\n\n_Sometime let gorgeous Tragedy_\n\n_In sceptred pall come sweeping by,_\n\n_Presenting Thebes, or Pelops' line._\n\n_Or the tale of Troy divine._\n\nMILTON, 'IL PENSEROSO'\n\nEleanor Butler was born at Kiltinan castle, near Fethard, County Tipperary, about the year 1545. She was the second daughter of Edmund Butler, Lord Baron of Dunboyne. Her mother was Cecilia (S\u00edle), daughter of Cormac Oge MacCarthy, Lord of Muskerry, County Cork, and widow of Sir Cormac MacCarthy Reagh. Eleanor had eight brothers, James, John, Piers, Richard, William, Thomas, Nicholas and Walter, and three sisters, Ellis, Katherine and Joan. Kiltinan castle was the principal seat of the family. At the time of Eleanor's birth, her father also possessed the castles of Dangan, Boytonrath, Grange, Ballygellward, Grallagh, Moygarth, Tyrnwyane, Cashel and Fethard.\n\nHer father's title 'Dunboyne' denoted the family's association with Dunboyne, County Meath. The connection can be traced back to the Norman invasion of the twelfth century. In 1172 Hugh de Lacy was granted the lordship of Meath. On his subjugation of the local Gaelic clans he granted the manors of Dunboyne and Moynett to one of his followers, William le Petit. William's line continued until the reign of Henry III, when the sole heiress, Synolda, married Thomas Butler (le Botiller), third son of Theobald Butler, lord of the territory of Ormond in Munster. By this marriage Thomas Butler became the Baron of Dunboyne and removed his residence to County Meath.  The title, however, was not officially sanctioned until 1541, when Eleanor's father was formally created Baron of Dunboyne by royal patent of King Henry VIII.\n\nThe Dunboyne Butlers' re-connection with their Munster origins began in the fourteenth century, when Peter, second Lord Dunboyne, married the daughter and heiress of John de Bermingham, lord of Kiltinan and Knockgraffon, County Tipperary. The de Bermingham family had long been settled in County Galway, but one of their house had married the daughter of Philip of Worcester, the original grantee of the Kiltinan properties. The de Berminghams maintained their interest in Kiltinan until the mid-fifteenth century, preferring to base their claim, not on the feudal law of their ancestors, but on the more ancient Gaelic code, whereby property was retained by a family's more powerful members without much regard for proximity of blood or inheritance. In view of Peter's marriage, his grandson, Edmund, fourth Lord Dunboyne, staked his claim to Kiltinan by right of his de Bermingham grandmother. But the de Berminghams by 1410 had granted the castle to the third Earl of Ormond's illegitimate son, Thomas Butler, Prior of Kilmainham, in an attempt to circumvent the claims of the Dunboynes. The fourth Earl of Ormond, as overlord of the area, decided that only a duel could cut through the tangled legal web over ownership of Kiltinan. Consequently in the spring of 1420 Edmund Butler of Dunboyne fought a desperate duel to the death with the prior's son, also named Edmund. But Dunboyne was fatally wounded, and the prior's son won a brief respite for his family. The prior's descendants continued to hold Kiltinan until 1452, when the scales of justice were finally balanced. An interest in the property was conveyed to another Edmund Butler of Dunboyne, nephew of the duellist, and the Dunboynes finally entered into their rightful inheritance, albeit one and a half centuries late.\n\nThe rock fortress of Kiltinan castle stands in an imposing and picturesque location in the shadow of Slievenamon, some five kilometres from Fethard, County Tipperary. It is strategically situated above a steep ravine overlooking the Glashawley river, a tributary of the Suir. It commands a fine view over the rich pasturelands of the Suir valley sweeping away to the south and to the Comeragh and Knockmealdown mountains beyond. A remarkable geographical feature associated with Kiltinan is the 'roaring spring', where an opening in the rocks leads to an underground river from which a  spring emerges; an internal waterfall or cascade is thought by geologists to be responsible for the roaring sound. Described as 'the castle and dwelling-house of the Lord of Dunboyne', it was built towards the end of the twelfth century.\n\nIn Eleanor's time Kiltinan was a formidable structure of considerable size. It comprised a large quadrangular courtyard bounded by four towers, one of which was circular; they were built of limestone and sand mortar. The remains of the circular tower, its walls some seven feet thick, can still be seen today. Two of the square towers were subsequently incorporated into the manor house which still occupies the same site and which has recently been magnificently restored and renovated by its more recent owners. Kiltinan is now in the ownership of composer Sir Andrew and Lady Lloyd Webber.\n\nThe roadway to Kiltinan castle in Eleanor's time would have swept up to the great arched gateway, flanked on either side by two three-storeyed towers, rising high above the curtain walls which linked the towers one to the other. The spacious courtyard was a hive of activity as the guard, servants and labourers of the baron went about their allotted duties for the defence and maintenance of the castle and its inhabitants. High on the wall-walk, inside the parapet, sentries kept a watchful eye on the surrounding countryside. In the courtyard water was drawn in iron-bound wooden pails from the underground Glashawley spring. Wood was cut and stacked ready for use in the kitchen and to warm the great hall and living quarters. At one end of the courtyard the baron's horses were maintained by the grooms and horseboys, while in an adjoining shed the castle's smith pounded the red-hot iron into shape, pointed the lances and swords and riveted the armour for the baron's cavalry. A fire glowed in the centre of the yard around which armed men hunkered and awaited the baron's orders. Through the gateway, carts laden with sacks of barley and wheat, vegetables and poultry, butter and cheese, wood and straw, the obligatory payment in kind of the tenants to the lord of the manor, trundled over the cobblestones.\n\nInside the castle the narrow corridors and the stone spiral stairways leading to the upper apartments were dark and gloomy. Shafts of light filtered through the defensive slit windows and the musket and archery loops. Dark corridors ran along the inside of the outer walls, with doors leading into various chambers. On the second level an arched opening from the stairway led into the principal chamber of the castle, the great hall, a lofty room, running the entire length of the  castle, its ceiling spanned by great oak beams, the walls lime-washed, and the limestone floor polished to a sheen. Light poured into the chamber through wide, arched windows set in deep embrasures, with stone window seats covered with cushions. From the windows there was an all-encompassing view of the rolling Tipperary pasturelands. A table, richly carved of solid oak, dominated the top of the room, flanked by two iron candlestands. The walls were dotted with iron brackets to support the large tallow candles used to light the room. Off one end of the great hall was the baron's kitchen, buttery and pantry where the servants prepared the food and drink for his table. When the baron entertained his neighbours and friends or received a visit from his overlord, trestle tables were set up within the hall to accommodate his guests.\n\nThe bedchambers on the next level were small square rooms, each dominated by a four-poster bed with a canopy of strong damask or rich velvet. By modern standards the rooms were spartan and, apart from the bedstead, furnishings consisted of a linen box, a cupboard containing a water ewer and basin, and a press for clothes. Adjacent to the lord's bedchamber was his private chapel, elaborately decorated with fine plasterwork and a window of stained glass. Life in such sixteenth-century castles was both cramped and chilly. Their primary function was defensive. They had been built in the twelfth century by the Normans to hold the land they had conquered and, in the changes undertaken by their descendants, the defensive aspect of their design was carefully preserved.\n\nIn Eleanor's day a medieval village, also of Norman origin, flourished outside Kiltinan castle. The village consisted of a street of cottages and craft workshops with lanes between the houses leading off into the surrounding countryside. The village craftsmen and workers supplied the castle with their wares and services. A few kilometres south of the castle stood the important medieval town of Fethard. It had been created an archepiscopal borough by letters patent of King John and had been a busy market town for many centuries. In 1553, on petition of the burgesses and commonalty of the town, a new charter ordained that the borough should become a corporate body with the same privileges and liberties as Kilkenny. The charter was subsequently confirmed by James I in 1608.\n\nTogether with his administrative and military powers as seneschal of the area, Eleanor's father was also a substantial landowner. He  received specific rents and services from those who held lands under him. As was the custom, he either leased out land, usually for a period of twenty-one years, for a fixed rent, or let it on a share-cropping basis, providing the tenant with either one-third or a half of the seed for the consideration of what was known as the 'third sheaf'. His tenants, especially the more substantial, further sublet the land to others.\n\nLower in status than the tenanted classes in both the Gaelic and Anglo-Norman lordships was the great mass of land cultivators, herders and labourers, referred to collectively as 'churls'. Neither owning land, or stock, and not allowed to bear arms, they were dependent on their masters. Together with the 'third sheaf', the tenants provided obligatory labour for the cultivation and harvesting of the baron's crops. There was a greater emphasis on tillage within his lordship than in Gaelic-held areas, with crops such as wheat, rye and barley as well as vegetables cultivated. Pigs and sheep were also reared and, in common with most of his contemporaries, the baron maintained a stud, Ireland being noted then as now for its 'great breeds of horses'. Falconry and hunting were the main outdoor recreations; chess, dice and backgammon helped while away the long winter evenings.\n\nEleanor's childhood and girlhood were spent mainly at her father's castle of Kiltinan, where she grew up in an environment influenced by the two principal traditions that dominated sixteenth-century Ireland: the old Gaelic civilisation, which, after the reversal it had encountered in the twelfth century, had over the succeeding centuries staged a gradual but steady recovery; and the feudal tradition of the Anglo-Norman settlers, which had succumbed in varying degrees to the resurgent Gaelic culture. The Butlers were among the original Anglo-Norman invaders but, like their FitzGerald and de Burgo fellow-conquerors, they had, through proximity with their Gaelic neighbours and especially through centuries of intermarriage with the Gaelic aristocracy, become gaelicised, to varying degrees. Eleanor's mother was a MacCarthy, and she had previously been married to Cormac MacCarthy Reagh, by whom she had one son and four daughters. One of Eleanor's half-sisters was in turn married to John Butler of Kilcash, and another was the wife of James FitzGerald of Decies, County Waterford. The incidence of intermarriage between those of Anglo-Norman descent and the Gaelic aristocracy was high, and most of the great dynastic families of both groups were blood-  related. This feature also led to many incidents of incestuous marriage; Eleanor's own father had a daughter (later married to Se\u00e1n an tSl\u00e9ibhe O'Carroll) by his half-sister, who later married Sir Piers Butler of Cahir. Eleanor's uncle Peter Butler was married to Honora, the daughter of James FitzGerald, eleventh Earl of Desmond. Her aunt Joan Butler had married Roland Eustace, Viscount Baltinglass, while another aunt, Ellen, married David Roche, Viscount Fermoy, thus linking her family with many prominent houses both Gaelic and gaelicised.\n\nThe Dunboyne Butlers were a cadet branch of one of the great dynastic families of Ireland, the Butlers of Ormond, over whom the Earl of Ormond was the titular head. The earls of Ormond enjoyed palatine jurisdiction over their estates in County Tipperary, which made them very powerful indeed. This privilege, given them by the English Crown, endowed them with the power to establish courts of law, administer justice and appoint court officers, 'thus ensuring that it was they rather than the King who were the ultimate arbitrators'. The earls of Ormond owed theoretical allegiance to the Crown, but they jealously guarded their independence. While they administered their vast estates by right of feudal law, the indigenous Gaelic law had, over the centuries, infiltrated, and by the middle of the sixteenth century many Gaelic customs and practices were prevalent in Ormond.\n\nThe Gaelic or Brehon legal and social system was distinct to Ireland and had evolved over the centuries from its Celtic origins. It was geared to an agrarian economy and society. Gaelic society comprised septs or 'nations' of independent chieftaincies, and was based on the concept of a patrilineal 'descent group forming a definite corporate entity with political and legal functions'. The existence of so many independent entities, each ruled by a chieftain that 'maketh war and peace for himself . . . and obeyeth to no other person . . . except only to such persons as may subdue him by the sword', gave rise to much tribal warfare and unrest. It was also to irk the pride of the Tudor monarchs who, in the early years of their rule, had extinguished similar independent posturings among the English nobility, and who, more recently, in 1537, had inflicted a ruthless chastisement on the powerful House of Kildare when it had shown an inclination towards independence.\n\nThe clan was the centre-point of the Gaelic system and set it apart. The leader or chieftain of the clan was elected by the ruling sept  instead of succeeding by right of primogeniture as was the English custom. The tenure of land also differed from the English practice. It was conducted according to a complicated system of land distribution whereby, on the death of a landholder, the land was shared out among the ruling or landholding members of the ruling family. The chieftain retained a life interest only in the clan land and could not bequeath it to his son. Although a woman could purchase and inherit land in her own right, she was prohibited from disposing of it outside the clan. The wealth of the clan was measured not in the extent of its territory but in the number of cattle it possessed. Cattle were the principal symbol of wealth and often the cause of disputes. The power of the chieftain was measured by the number of his followers. Each chieftain accordingly strove to have as many armed men in his company as he could afford. Similarly, it was important for the chieftain to maintain a large workforce of servants and labourers for the more servile work of tending and protecting the cattle herds, tilling the soil, and providing sustenance and accommodation for his band of warriors.\n\nThe chieftain was also in receipt of certain dues and services exacted, often by force, from client chieftains. Under various laws he had the right to a wide range of privileges, such as free entertainment for himself and his extensive household, specific provisions for his horses and hounds, and the right to his clients' attendance with a fixed number of armed men whenever he summoned a hosting. The whole system of sustenance for the lord became known as 'coyne and livery' and was, in effect, the basis of Gaelic authority. By the middle of the sixteenth century, many of these practices had also been adopted by the Anglo-Norman lords.\n\nFosterage played an important role in Gaelic society. The sons of chieftains were fostered, usually in the household of a dependent chief, who considered it an honour and a social and political bond between the two families. The system found little favour with the English administration, but fosterage survived, was widely practised and, in the course of time, had penetrated Anglo-Norman society also.\n\nLike their Anglo-Norman counterparts, Gaelic chieftains adopted stone castles as places of dwelling and protection. In large banqueting halls, attached to the main tower, they held court and entertained lavishly. Every chieftain of note had his 'brehon' or judge who interpreted and administered the law within his territory. He also had  a bard ( _ollamh d\u00e1na_ ), who enjoyed a special status in the chief's household and whose basic duty was 'the eulogy of the great and glorification of their deeds'.\n\nThe chieftain employed three groups of fighting men. The first was the cavalry, recruited from within the ranks of the ruling sept or the more prosperous elements of the landowning class. Then came the galloglass ( _gall\u00f3glaigh_ , 'foreign warriors'), the heavy infantry of the chieftain's army, being selected men of great stature and strength, armed with long sword and battle-axe. Originally from Scotland, some had settled in Ireland, where they were given tracts of land in payment for their services as a standing army for the Gaelic chieftains and Anglo-Norman lords who could afford to employ them. The Butlers' traditional galloglass were the MacSweeneys. The third category of fighting men were the kern ( _certhearnigh_ ); skilled in the use of bows and arrows and darts, they were the lightly-armed foot-soldiers of the chieftain's army.\n\nMost of the Anglo-Irish lords and the Gaelic chieftains, despite the Reformation in England, still adhered to the old religion. But Catholicism in Gaelic Ireland differed from that practised on the continent. The sweeping reforms of the preceding centuries had, by and large, failed to apply in Ireland. A pattern of hereditary clergy had evolved where members of a particular family were invested with positions of high office in the church. Many of the bishops and clergy were married or maintained concubines. 'In no field of life was Ireland's apartness from the mainstream of Christian European society so marked as in that of marriage. Throughout the medieval period, and down to the end of the old order in 1603, what could be called Celtic secular marriage remained the norm in Ireland and Christian matrimony was no more than the rare exception grafted on to this system.' There was also a high incidence of divorce, which was a legal right and could be invoked by either spouse. Plurality of marriages, many within the restricted degrees of consanguinity, as well as trial marriages, were common within both the Gaelic and the gaelicised lordships. Offspring born outside wedlock were not penalised in their rights of either succession or land tenure. Conn Bacach O'Neill, first Earl of Tyrone, stoutly declared that he was a man 'that never refused no child that any woman named to be his'.\n\nThus Eleanor grew up in a society which, while it adhered in many ways to its Anglo-Norman origins, had also absorbed into its social and  political structures many of the trappings of the Gaelic world that surrounded it. Her Gaelic mother would have further strengthened this development in the house of the Dunboyne Butlers. Their overlord the Earl of Ormond was, however, a loyal supporter of the Tudor monarchs and the least gaelicised of the Anglo-Norman lords in Ireland. Eleanor's father, together with his brother Peter, had served under the Earl of Ormond in the army of Henry VIII in France. They had seen action at the sieges of Montreuil and Boulogne. After the inexplicable death by poison of the earl in London in 1546, his son Thomas, known as Black Tom, then just fifteen years old, was brought up in the new Protestant religion at Court, as a friend and classmate of the young future king, Edward VI, and the future queen, Elizabeth I. Black Tom was to remain at court for many years before he entered into his inheritance in Ireland. During his absence Eleanor's father was placed in charge of the earl's forces in Ormond to repel the increasingly frequent raids of the neighbouring O'Carrolls of Ely. He was appointed Seneschal of the Liberty of Tipperary, an office held by each successive baron since 1295. Duties involved the stewardship of the earl's domains, the exaction and collection of his rents, dues and services, and the administration of his palatine court at Clonmel. Kiltinan bustled with activity during the early years of Eleanor's childhood.\n\nLife for the daughter of a nobleman in the sixteenth century had its set pattern and its responsibilities. From the day of her birth Eleanor was groomed as a potential wife for some Anglo-Norman lord or Gaelic chieftain. Provided their credentials and assets were acceptable to her father and an agreement was reached on a suitable dowry, Eleanor would be given in marriage to the most suitable applicant. Political and financial considerations tended to dictate the matrimonial lot of women in the higher echelons of Gaelic and Anglo-Irish society. It was usual for girls to marry at the comparatively early age of fifteen or sixteen. Given in marriage to one of her own class, Eleanor would eventually become chatelaine of her own castle. With the privilege went the responsibility to oversee the upkeep and maintenance of her husband's castles: food and furnishings bought, stored and replaced; servants hired, fired and trained; banquets organised to impress a neighbour or to honour an overlord; household linens, utensils and liveries selected and accounted for.\n\nTo efficiently administer a large mansion with servants and retainers, to entertain and converse diplomatically with both friend  and foe of her husband, involved a level of political and social awareness. In preparation for her exacting future role, Eleanor received some formal education, and English and Gaelic tutors taught her to converse ably in both English and Irish. She learned to write in both languages, and she became a prolific letter-writer, able to express herself succinctly and well, with an intelligent turn of phrase and a political insight that denoted an informed and comprehending mind. She was an able horsewoman, a skill that was to stand to her many times in the course of her traumatic life. Gaelic Ireland is often inaccurately depicted as having been a totally male-dominated society where women fulfilled a mainly subservient role, confined to domestic duties of housekeeping and child-rearing, and rarely becoming involved in the political turmoil of the times. On the contrary, there are many examples of women, mainly in the higher orders of both Gaelic and gaelicised society, who were actively involved in politics, not only in a supportive or advisory capacity to their husbands, but also as strong-willed and independent participants in their own right. Eleanor was to become a prime example of this little-acknowledged fact.\n\nIt was reputed that she was tall in stature, with light brown hair. On special or formal occasions she dressed in the current fashion of the day, in gowns of taffeta, velvet or fine cambric, edged with lace, as befitted her station. Her wardrobe might be purchased in Dublin, which tended to follow English fashion, or bought from the travelling merchants, who brought with them the fashions and fabrics of the continent, imported through the ports of Waterford, Cork and Kinsale. The native Irish attire of the time, a linen or fine woollen smock reaching to the ankles, with long wide sleeves falling in folds at either side, over which was worn a sleeveless dress with a laced bodice, dyed saffron or russet, might well have been worn by S\u00edle MacCarthy's daughter on less auspicious occasions. The great Irish mantle of warm wool, with its thickly fringed collar, was worn by the upper classes of both cultures.\n\nTravel was a difficult and hazardous undertaking in sixteenth-century Ireland, owing to the absence of a developed road system and also to the unsettled state of the country. But journeys, however hazardous, had to be undertaken as business was contracted, military campaigns conducted and social visits made. Such social occasions were marked by banquets, often lasting several days, when family, relatives, friends and foes, converged on Kiltinan. In the great hall the  baron's chief steward conducted each guest to his allotted place in strict order according to social and political status. On the trestle tables joints of beef, mutton, venison, poultry and game, boiled or spit-roasted, were laid. Wheaten bread and oatcakes were in plentiful supply, as were vegetables such as cabbage, onion, leek and watercress. Wines from France and Spain, imported through Youghal or Waterford, native aqua vitae ( _uisce beatha_ ), ale and mead, 'the dainty drink of nobles', accompanied the plentiful helpings. Gaelic chieftains in their tight worsted trews and short quilted jackets of fine leather, their hair falling around their shoulders, mingled with the lords of the Pale, clad in doublet and hose. The long hall, warmed by a glowing brazier in the centre and lit by the flickering torches on the wall brackets, reverberated with a mixture of English and Gaelic tongues. A bard rose and sang the praises of Eleanor's father and his house, while her mother's MacCarthy origins were equally lauded. A verse extolling the baron's hospitality and the beauty of his wife and daughters followed. Games of cards, dice and backgammon were played and, as the night wore on, the bids became more reckless, and many a horse, jewelled dagger, silver plate, herd of cattle or tract of land changed hands. The harp and the pipes were played for the dancers, whose capering shadows cast silhouettes on the stone walls.\n\nEleanor's childhood, however, was not all feasting and revelry. Her early years were disturbed by a bitter feud between her father and her uncle which drove a wedge, not only between the brothers, but between her father and his great overlord, the Earl of Ormond. The feud had its origins in 1524 when Eleanor's grandfather, Sir James Butler, concluded a family settlement of his estate, bequeathing the greater portion to his eldest son, Edmund, Eleanor's father. He also directed that his second son, Peter, was to receive the castle and estate of Grallagh, while Thomas, his youngest son, was to inherit Boytonrath and other lands near Cashel. Edmund was Peter's overlord to whom he owed allegiance and, among other things, a 'suit and service of six footmen and one horseman'. Despite their initial co-operation, on their return from the wars in France, a growing enmity developed between the brothers over possession of the Grallagh estate. Edmund claimed that the estate was entailed on the barons of Dunboyne and that his father had no right to bequeath it to Peter, who, he contended, had merely a life interest in the property. The quarrel became further aggravated by the personal animosity that arose between Eleanor's  mother and Peter's wife, Honora, daughter of James FitzGerald, the Earl of Desmond. Their mutual dislike may have stemmed from the ancient animosity that existed between the MacCarthys and the earls of Desmond. Whether for this reason or for something of a more personal nature, the two ladies goaded their respective spouses against each other, as each plotted her own husband's triumph. As the feud between the brothers intensified it led to the formation of political affiliations and alliances that were eventually to have repercussions on Eleanor's future.\n\nHer father filed a suit against his brother in the Court of Chancery. But on the advice of his cousin, Black Tom, who had recently returned from England to enter into his estates and title as Earl of Ormond, Peter refused to appear before the court. Ill-feeling already existed between Eleanor's father and the new Earl of Ormond, largely as a result of a dispute concerning the validity of the palatine rights pertaining to the earldom. The earl considered that Edmund had further rebuffed his authority by failing to submit his suit against his brother to his palatine court for his judgment. The Court of Chancery found in Edmund's favour and ordered Peter to restore the disputed Grallagh estate. On the advice of Black Tom, however, Peter refused to comply with the court order. The dispute continued to rage for many years. The legal battle culminated in attacks and reprisals by both brothers on each other and drove an ever-widening wedge, not merely between Edmund and his brother, but with his overlord the Earl of Ormond as well. Eleanor and her family were affected both politically and socially by the baron's estrangement from the Earl of Ormond. They experienced a sense of isolation as the other tributary lords of Ormond were reluctant to defy their powerful overlord and openly fraternise with the Dunboynes. Few invitations were extended to them to the earl's court at Clonmel or Kilkenny. The isolation of the Dunboynes left them open to exploitation in the climate of political discord and intrigue which characterised sixteenth-century Munster. In these circumstances it was inevitable that the family would become involved in the long-standing and more intense feud that existed between the Houses of Ormond and Desmond. While the dispute between Eleanor's father and uncle was to continue unabated until their deaths, when Grallagh was finally restored to the Dunboyne estate, it was to pale into insignificance in comparison to the age-old Desmond\u2013Ormond feud which was about  to erupt anew and engulf Eleanor and all Munster in its spreading flames.\n\nThe Butlers' loyalty to the English Crown was well-established before their arrival in Ireland. Theobald, the founder of the family, was created Chief Butler, one of the hereditary offices of state, by King Henry II. Theobald and his descendants were granted the lucrative prisage of wines, the right to one-tenth of the cargo of any wine ship that broke bulk in Ireland. This privilege was held by the family until, by an act of parliament in 1810, it was finally restored to the Crown. From this hereditary honour came the family name of Butler. The Butler lordship in Ireland comprised the northern half of County Tipperary, including the disputed overlordship of the old Gaelic kingdom of Ely O'Carroll. Successive Butler lords consolidated their positions over the succeeding decades. They upheld the Crown's interests in the newly-conquered territories and were amply rewarded. In 1315 Edward II gave Edmund Butler the castles and manors of Carrickmagriffon and Roscrea and conferred on him the earldom of Carrick. Edmund's son James married the niece of Edward III. In 1328 he was created Earl of Ormond and was granted the palatine liberties of Tipperary. In 1392 the third Earl of Ormond acquired the town of Kilkenny, which eventually became the principal seat of the family.\n\nCheek by jowl with the expanding Butler lordship were the lordships of two other Anglo-Norman dynasts. To the north-east the FitzGeralds of Kildare had prospered, while to the west the FitzGeralds of Desmond had carved out a vast estate at the expense of the native Irish chieftains. It was perhaps inevitable that the ambitions of these great Anglo-Norman families would conflict as they vied with each other for power, land and royal favours.\n\nThe ancestors of the FitzGeralds, or, as they became known in Ireland, the Geraldines, were also among the Norman conquerors who invaded Ireland. Their background in England, however, differed greatly from that of the Butlers. Their origins were in the wild marcher lands between England and Wales. After the Norman conquest of England their Italian progenitor Gheraldino was initially granted the lordship of Windsor. From there they advanced into Celtic Wales, where they acquired further lands, both by military and matrimonial means. In 1095 Gerald, the grandson of the original Gheraldino, married the beautiful and notorious Princess Nesta, daughter of the  King of South Wales, and built Carew castle on the lands granted to him in right of his wife. This Gerald was the progenitor of the Geraldines or FitzGeralds of Ireland. He died in 1135, leaving three sons, Maurice, William and David, afterwards Bishop of St Davids. Together with Nesta's son by her second marriage, Robert FitzStephen, and her illegitimate offspring by a previous liaison with King Henry I, this turbulent brood became a source of constant strife. In the border areas of the Welsh marches they conducted private wars of retribution without the slightest regard for the sovereignty of the English monarch who, in any event, was powerless to control them. It was an able and wily king who could devise the means to rid his kingdom of such independently-minded barons.\n\nAn invitation from the Gaelic King of Leinster, Dermot MacMurrough, provided him with the opportunity. At the forefront of the Norman invasion of Ireland was Maurice, son of Gerald of Wales. In return for his services Maurice was granted land in what is now County Kildare and built a strong fortress at Maynooth. The FitzGeralds of Kildare were descended from Maurice's eldest son, Gerald, and they eventually became powerful overlords of the greater part of Leinster. The FitzGeralds of Munster descended from his youngest son, Thomas. In 1329 Thomas's great-great-grandson Maurice was created first Earl of Desmond by Edward III and, similar to the Earl of Ormond, was granted the county of Kerry as an hereditary palatine liberty. Both he and his successors extended their power until eventually they claimed the overlordship of a vast area which stretched from north Limerick to Youghal and from Dingle in Kerry to the ancient Gaelic kingdom of the Decies in Waterford.\n\nIn the course of time all three houses, partly by reason of their close association and intermarriage with the neighbouring Gaelic aristocracy and partly because of their isolation from their English origins, become gaelicised. Of the three, the Desmonds could be said to have become the most gaelicised. Despite their English titles and honours, they were, true to their Geraldine tradition, outspoken champions of practical independence from the English Crown. In this they tended to have the moral support of their fellow-Geraldines, the Kildares. In 1345, for example, Maurice of Desmond flaunting his power over the Gaelic and gaelicised lords of Munster convened his own parliament in Callan, County Kilkenny. Thereafter the Munster Geraldines tended to withdraw into their remote domains, and in  defiance of England gradually became indistinguishable in tongue, dress and custom from their Gaelic neighbours. Enmity arose between them and their less gaelicised neighbours, the Butlers of Ormond. Their dynastic quarrels were further heightened when each took different sides in the Wars of the Roses in England, fought between the Houses of York and Lancaster, until, finally, the antagonism between the Houses of Ormond and Desmond became entangled in the wider net of political conflict in England.\n\nThe Duke of York was the absentee viceroy of Ireland, but his ambitions soared to more exalted office\u2014the Crown of England. After his defeat at the battle of Ludford Bridge and his subsequent conviction for treason, he was replaced as viceroy of Ireland by the Earl of Ormond. York escaped to Ireland and, aided and abetted by the Geraldines, made plans to invade England. In the event York was killed at the battle of Wakefield in 1460, but his ambitions were later realised by his son, who in 1461 was crowned King Edward IV. One of the first casualties of the Yorkist triumph was the Earl of Ormond, who was promptly executed. His brother and heir, Sir John Butler, in an attempt to revitalise the Lancastrian cause in Ireland, rallied his supporters but was defeated at Pilltown by James, the seventh Earl of Desmond. While this incident was, from the Geraldines' point of view, merely another chapter in the Desmond\u2013Ormond feud, the victory was rewarded by a grateful Yorkist king, who had Desmond's son and successor, Thomas, confirmed as chief governor of Ireland in 1463.\n\nBut despite his apparent Yorkist leanings, the new Earl of Desmond remained independent and as gaelicised as his forebears and attempted to extend Gaelic law and custom into the English Pale. Soon the usually peaceful Pale was aflame. Desmond was speedily replaced by Sir John Tiptoft, who, without apparent royal consent, had Desmond beheaded at Drogheda. The effect on the country was instantaneous. Riots and uprisings erupted throughout Munster and Leinster; the dead earl's brother with a great army burned and pillaged the Pale. The imprisoned Earl of Kildare was released to calm the situation. Tiptoft was recalled, and the King proclaimed his disapproval of the Earl of Desmond's execution.\n\nThe execution of the earl was the final straw that broke the back of the uneasy alliance between the House of Desmond and the Crown of England. In the succeeding decades the Geraldines of Desmond withdrew from all contact with the Crown and its administration in  Dublin. They turned their backs on their English origins in favour of their adopted Gaelic world, which welcomed them as the premier buffer between it and the English Crown. Their great rivals, the earls of Ormond, continued to hold for the Crown, and many of the succeeding earls spent much of their time at the English court. Now in the second half of the sixteenth century the long-standing feud between both houses had come to rest in the hands of two volatile young heirs\u2014Black Tom, tenth Earl of Ormond and Garrett FitzGerald, fourteenth Earl of Desmond, each eager to uphold the honour of his house by the destruction of the other.\n\nSecure in Kiltinan, surrounded by her large family, Eleanor took little notice of the gathering storm-clouds. Her main preoccupation was that of any young eligible woman: she patiently plied her needle or read her verse and waited and wondered about her marriage prospects. What dashing lord or handsome chieftain would come to Kiltinan to seek her hand? Or would she instead become the prize in some political or financial deal, a sop to placate some ageing, lascivious noble? Fate was often known to deal a cruel hand in the matrimonial stakes. But whatever her thoughts, little could she have realised how inextricably her future would become entangled in the Ormond\u2013Desmond feud which would hurl her into the very eye of the impending storm.\nChapter 2\n\nThe Feud\n\n_Two households, both alike in dignity,_\n\n_In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,_\n\n_From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,_\n\n_Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean._\n\nSHAKESPEARE, _ROMEO AND JULIET_ , I, i\n\nIn 1558 the daughter of Anne Boleyn and Henry VIII ascended the throne of England. Deemed illegitimate by some of her subjects, God's appointed sovereign majesty by others, the twenty-six-year-old, slight, pale-faced woman determinedly grasped the sceptre of state, aware of the doubts and of the awesome task that she faced. Since the death of her father over a decade earlier, her inherited kingdom had floundered like a rudderless galleon. She had inherited a throne 'humiliated in war, paralysed by ineptitude and sinking into spiritual and financial bankruptcy'. With a great sense of destiny, this autocratic, vain woman embarked on a life's mission to protect and defend her legacy, the kingdom of England, which was to become her substitute lover, husband and child, and to prove that she had indeed 'the heart and stomach of a king'.\n\nPart of Elizabeth's legacy was Ireland, which remained, despite the best efforts of her wily father, a country without political cohesion or racial homogeneity; an island in close and dangerous proximity to England but which English cartographers had not as yet accurately mapped; a country which in its present state was the antithesis of everything that the sovereign Elizabeth and her renaissance age represented. Gaelic Ireland seemed barbarously medieval by the standards of England and continental Europe. More significantly, its  outmoded political, social and religious structures, its dogged rebellious attitude to the 'civilising' attempts of the English Crown, its intertribal dissension and its consistent lack of common purpose, made it a potential attraction to England's foreign enemies. In 1558 Ireland, with her myriad of independent lords and chieftains, confronted Elizabeth with a similar problem faced by her grandfather Henry VII in England decades previously. Then the great English feudal lords had also strained at the royal bit before being short-reined into submission and acknowledgment that their royal overlord was invested with a God-given power over them. The Tudors demanded, and had received, the total loyalty and acquiescence of their feudal barons in England. Now it was the turn of the independent chieftains and lords of Ireland to proffer a similar obeisance. But the Irish lords were to prove reluctant to relinquish the powers and privileges they enjoyed by right of Gaelic custom and law. Elizabeth was not to have her way in Ireland without a protracted, expensive and bitter struggle.\n\nElizabeth's supposedly liege lords in Ireland were a mixed bunch. In Leinster the earls of Kildare, the Leinster Geraldines, had, during the reigns of Henry VII and Henry VIII, reached the pinnacle of their power. Henry VIII feared their power in Ireland and their inherited Geraldine tendencies towards independence. Their star finally fell when a hot-blooded young scion, Silken Thomas, son of the ninth earl, convulsed the House of Kildare into a hasty rebellion and provided Henry with the excuse he had long awaited. The rebellion led to the execution in 1537 at Tyburn of Silken Thomas and his five uncles, and the demise of the Kildares as a potential alternative to the English monarch in Ireland. Henry hurriedly had himself confirmed 'King of Ireland' before any Anglo-Norman lord or Gaelic chieftain could snatch the title from him.\n\nIn Ormond the Butlers, after years of eclipse by the Kildares, had re-emerged as the champions of the Crown. In Black Tom, with his Boleyn connections and his close personal relationship with the young queen, a new chapter of Ormond supremacy in Ireland was about to begin. Black Tom's loyalty to and friendship with Elizabeth lasted to the end of her long reign. She referred to him as her 'black husband', which gave rise to much speculation that, while not her husband in the legal sense, Black Tom had been awarded the pleasure of the royal bedchamber. He was twenty-seven years of age at the time of Elizabeth's accession to the throne. As his nickname suggests, and as is  evident from his portrait, he was a black-haired, dark-skinned, tall, well-set, elegantly attired courtier, handsome and charming, but also cruel and ruthless when the necessity arose. He was the veritable renaissance man, modern and confident in outlook and action. Just as his loyal ancestry, Boleyn connections and personal ability had struck Elizabeth's sensibility, so his good looks and charm had touched a chord in her heart. Black Tom was and would continue to be her favourite Irish noble, a fact that she made no effort to hide but preferred to flaunt by means of the personal and political favouritism she showed towards him. In 1559 she appointed him Lord Treasurer of Ireland, and he became closely identified with the Sussex faction at the royal court.\n\nIn 1558, Black Tom's neighbour and adversary, Garrett (Gerald), son of James FitzJohn FitzGerald, became the fourteenth Earl of Desmond. In Elizabeth's eyes Garrett was the antithesis of Black Tom. His ancestry made him politically less acceptable, and, from a physical point of view, the delicate, pale, vain, melancholic, temperamental Geraldine aroused no passion in her Tudor heart. Henry VIII had desired that Garrett, like Black Tom, should have an English upbringing and education at Court. But in the wake of the execution of his kinsmen, the Geraldine Kildares, Garrett's father saw little reason to entrust his son to the care and attention of the Tudor king. Consequently Garrett was reared and educated in the hard school of Gaelic custom. He was fostered with the O'Moriartys in Kerry and was subjected to the rigorous physical training required of a potential Gaelic warrior, leader and ruler. But he also aspired to more learned ways and was given to the composition of verse.\n\nLest his literary and general melancholic disposition arouse doubts as to his physical ability to succeed his father to the earldom, and in accordance with the Gaelic custom which ordained that 'every heir or young chieftain of a tribe was obliged in honour to give a public specimen of his valour before he was owned or declared governor or leader of his people', Garrett led his followers 'to make a desperate incursion upon some neighbour or other that they were in feud with; and they were obliged to bring by open force the cattle they found in the lands they attacked or die in the attempt.' The MacCarthy clans of Carbery and Muskerry were singled out by the young Geraldine lord to demonstrate his prowess. Not only did the MacCarthys pay the price of Garrett's initiation in the customary penalties of cattle and  booty but, to further emphasise his abilities, he captured and imprisoned Lord Muskerry's son for good measure. Such was the tough school of warrior initiation with its origins in the legendary Celtic world, in which the son and heir of the Earl of Desmond was reared.\n\nBut Garrett's succession to the earldom was fraught with controversy. It had originated when Maurice, the son of the twelfth Earl of Desmond, married his own first cousin, by whom he had a son called James. A nephew of the twelfth earl, James FitzJohn, Garrett's father, disputed the right of James to succeed his father on the grounds of consanguinity. The matter was settled, not by law but by the sword, when James was murdered by James FitzJohn's brother. But James FitzJohn then found his way to the earldom disputed on the grounds of his equally prohibited marriage to his own grandniece, the daughter of Maurice Roche, Lord Fermoy, by whom he had a son known as Sir Thomas Roe FitzGerald. Yielding to pressure from his sub-chiefs, who feared another bloody succession dispute, James FitzJohn divorced his first wife and married M\u00f3r O'Carroll, the daughter of the chieftain of Ely O'Carroll, by whom he had Garrett, his recognised heir, born in 1532, John, later known as Sir John of Desmond, and five daughters. By a later marriage to Ellen, daughter of Donal MacCarthy More, he had another son called James 'Sussex' FitzGerald. Upon Garrett's succession to the earldom in November 1558, Thomas Roe, the disinherited son, unsuccessfully appealed his claim to the earldom of Desmond to the English court.\n\nGarrett's father was a vigorous supporter of the ill-fated House of Kildare and one of the principal activists in the league formed to protect and reinstate the only surviving member of the Kildare dynasty. After the disbandment of the league he had, however, submitted to the Crown and was subsequently created Lord Treasurer and governor of Munster. By his fourth and final marriage to Katherine Butler, the second daughter of the eighth Earl of Ormond, and by various marriage alliances between other members of the Butler and Desmond families, he had mitigated somewhat the endemic rivalry and rancour that existed between the two families and thereby brought a period of peace to Munster. Well might the annalists, with a sense of impending doom, mourn his death in 1558. 'The loss of this good man', they recorded, 'was woeful to his country, for there was no need to watch cattle or close doors from D\u00fanchaoin  [Dunquin] to the green-bordered meeting of the three waters [i.e. the rivers Suir, Barrow and Nore].' The scene was set for the enactment of a drama that had all the ingredients of a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions. With the fate and fortune of the two great aristocratic dynasties lying in the hands of two young and untried heirs, Ireland waited with bated breath for the storm to break.\n\nBut the young Desmond heir had already aroused his rival's enmity by his sensational marriage in 1550 to Black Tom's mother, Joan, the Dowager Countess of Ormond. Scarcely twenty years old, Garrett had thus become Black Tom's step-father. Twenty years Garrett's senior, Joan was the daughter of James FitzGerald, the eleventh Earl of Desmond, and was thus Garrett's own second cousin. On the death of Black Tom's father, Joan had subsequently briefly married, at the Crown's insistence, the Lord Justice, Sir Francis Bryan. But it was alleged that she had already fallen for the pale melancholic heir to the Desmond dynasty even before her marriage to Bryan. And Garrett was obviously attracted to his older cousin. The prospect of such a marriage gave rise to considerable speculation and anxiety in various quarters. It was recorded, for example, that great 'displeasure' had arisen 'between Lady Ormond and Lady Desmond re the Countess of Ormond's practice to marry with the heir of Desmond'. The English administration was appalled at the potential consequences of the union. Black Tom was still a minor, and the government feared that the gaelicised Desmond heir would bring 'the uncyville and Yrishe' customs of his house to bear on the loyal House of Ormond. Consequently the Crown intervened, and Joan was summarily 'sent for into Inglande and bestowed as wife to Sir Francis Bryan'. Bryan died in February 1550, and even at his funeral, which was attended by Garrett, 'the Countess of Ormond's practice to marry with the heir of Desmond' was common knowledge. The Lord Chancellor urged the countess to show some restraint, and reluctantly Joan promised him 'upon hir honor that she wolde lyve sole for one yeore'. But in affairs of the heart promises are made to be broken, and by May 1550 Joan and Garrett were married.\n\nThe marriage was the sensation of the day, and at Kiltinan Eleanor's family too heard of the unlikely union which had become the butt of many crude jokes and was the principal topic of conversation from the courtyard fire to the great hall. But initially the marriage had a stabilising effect on the young heir of Desmond. Under Joan's quiet  influence, her husband, on the death of his father in November 1558, despite the claim of his dispossessed half-brother, assumed the earldom. Her concern that Garrett should be confirmed in his doubtful title by the Crown bore fruit when he agreed to go to London, where 'with a willing mind and intention', the new earl made his submission in style before the new queen, 'he being well attended on by one hundred prime gentlemen, waytering and attending upon him'. This impressive show, however, cut little ice with Elizabeth who, with her calculating Tudor eyes, coldly surveyed the proud Geraldine peacock who flaunted his power before her, and mentally made a note to clip the wings of so overbearing a subject. Elizabeth knew the controversy that surrounded his title, but, as her own title to the throne was held equally in doubt, for the moment she smiled frostily at the swaggering Irish lord and graciously confirmed him in his title and immense estates.\n\nGarrett's inheritance comprised over half a million acres of land. Rents forthcoming from the estate amounted to over \u00a37,000 per annum, 'a prodigious revenue in these times and perhaps greater than any other subject in Her Majesty's dominion'. Together with their feudal rents, successive earls, as they had gradually adopted Gaelic law, also claimed its privileges. Garrett was entitled to the traditional tributes and payments known as 'cuttings and spendings' from the many Gaelic chieftains who held under him. These tributes varied widely both in content and extent. When, for example, the earl travelled through the territory of an underlord, the expenses he incurred for food, drink and lodging were borne by his underlord. He received specific dues in kind from the territories under his control, varying from wood and candles to drink and cattle. He 'cessed' or quartered his armed followers, horses and hunting hounds on the country. The earl and his family were entitled to 'cuddy' ( _cuid o\u00edche_ ) or entertainment for the night in the houses of the gentry within his lordship. If he did not avail in person of the cuddy, the equivalent cost in meat, flour, whiskey, honey, or a money payment was forwarded to his castle in lieu. If the payments and tributes due to the earl were not readily forthcoming they were likely to be extracted by force and, to judge from the many complaints made against him by his dependent lords, at times Garrett was wont to exact more than his due.\n\nForemost among the privileges pertaining to the Desmond earldom under Gaelic law was the highly prized right of the 'rising  out' whereby, whenever his standard was raised, whether in rebellion or against a neighbour, the earl was entitled to receive the armed support of every member of his house and every dweller upon his lands. It was claimed that 'no less than fifty lords and barons paid them [the Earls of Desmond] tribute and were ever ready to march under their banner'. Such power, if vested in a lord hostile to the Crown, posed a grave threat, and as her reign progressed Elizabeth had every reason to fear and try to extinguish it. The Earl of Desmond claimed jurisdiction over some of the most powerful chieftains and lords in Munster. His power was centred in counties Limerick and Kerry and parts of Cork, but his influence extended over a much wider area. He claimed a disputed overlordship of the three MacCarthy clans: MacCarthy More, MacCarthy Muskerry and MacCarthy Reagh. In northern Kerry the FitzMaurices, kinsmen and hereditary marshals to the earls, often resisted his claim of jurisdiction over them. The Barry septs of County Cork, the Knight of Kerry, the Knight of Glin and the White Knight, together with the FitzGeralds of Imokilly in County Cork, the earls' hereditary seneschals, all were allied to the House of Desmond.\n\nTogether with his vast acres, Garrett had also inherited many castles and manors, the principal being Askeaton, Newcastle, Kilmallock and Shanid in County Limerick, Tarbert, Castleisland, Castlemaine and Dingle in County Kerry. His principal residence was Askeaton castle, built in 1199, situated on an island on the River Deel. A sixteenth-century account described it as:\n\n_the one great castle built of square plan, a chief house of the Earl of Desmond, having at each angle of the same a round tower, with various places and chambers in each tower. And there is at the south corner, on the western side at the south part, a high square tower or peel, built for defence, within the walls, and also there were within the walls of the said castle many buildings, namely a large hall, a large room, and an excellent chamber, one garden and, in the same, two fishponds. And outside the walls, and near them, are divers orchards and gardens._\n\nPerched on its rocky plateau, the castle commanded a fine view east and south to where the dark forest of Kylemore stretched for miles into the distance towards the Galtee and Ballyhoura mountains.\n\nThe Earl of Desmond claimed overlordship of the port town of Youghal from which he had an annual chief rent of \u00a371 6s 8d, together with administrative privileges within the town, and was also in receipt of the 'custom and cocket of Kinsale'. His extensive household comprised a secretary, lawyers, versed in both Gaelic and English law, a personal physician who held in payment 'a ploughland free for his service and a tenement in Youghall', constables who guarded the earl's other residences, a seneschal, a marshal, a standing army of galloglass, a large company of bards and rhymers, countless retainers, servants, tradesmen, labourers and hangers-on. The entire earldom was divided into 'highly localised units, each unit with its own castle or town house'. To conquer the lordship presented major difficulties because 'victory was not symbolised by the capture of any one town or castle but was the result of encroachment and penetration until every castle had been destroyed or yielded up'. The earls tended to rule their palatinate by an amalgam of Gaelic and English laws, and brehons or Gaelic judges were employed to arbitrate in disputes. Gaelic customs of dress, language and law flourished. The earls jealously guarded the palatine rights conferred on them by the Crown, while they just as assiduously sought to preserve the wide-ranging privileges granted them by Gaelic custom. In effect they sought and acquired the best of both worlds.\n\nThe first years of Garrett's marriage passed without major incident as Joan exerted her influence on her son and young husband and kept them out of each other's reach. Garrett busied himself within his lordship, establishing his authority over his liege lords and chieftains, exacting the customary dues and tributes, and punishing recalcitrant client lords. His aversion to any interference in his lordship extended also to the Crown. English officials and administrators who arrived in Munster gaped in disbelief at the existence of this relic of feudalism, operated by an autocratic, gaelicised earl who refused to acknowledge not only their presence but the authority of their sovereign mistress. When a confrontation over succession arose among the O'Briens of Thomond, Garrett backed the Gaelic contender for office, demonstrating his preference for the Gaelic system and leaving Elizabeth in no doubt where his loyalties lay.\n\nIn 1560 Joan's restraining hand seemed to weaken when a disagreement arose between Garrett and Black Tom over payment of her marriage settlement. Garrett claimed the rent from the manors of  Clonmel, Kilsheelin and Kilfeakle as Joan's dowry. Black Tom refused to pay. Garrett attempted to extract the rents by force. Black Tom responded by invading Garrett's lands. Garrett retaliated by denying Black Tom passage through his territories to collect his right of prisage at Youghal and Kinsale. Recourse to law would have been the practical way to resolve the dispute, but where the Ormond\u2013Desmond feud was concerned, legal niceties did not enter into the equation. The galloglass were mustered, the liegemen summoned to arms, and the place of battle, Bohermore, County Tipperary, selected. But, the annals record, as the 'two great hosts had come front to front and face to face, the great God sent an angel of peace to them, so that concord was established between the hosts'. The 'angel of peace' referred to was Joan who, for fourteen days, as her son and husband faced each other in open hostility, traversed the drawn battle-lines and eventually succeeded in effecting a reconciliation.\n\nIn the event Elizabeth ordered both lords to her presence. Black Tom obeyed the summons immediately, but Garrett made vague excuses and declined to appear at the English court. A personal letter from the Queen demanding his presence in London went unanswered for a month. Joan cajoled and counselled and reluctantly Garrett acquiesced. In 1562, accompanied by an even more impressive retinue than previously, he presented himself before Elizabeth and her Privy Council. 'Being charged before the Council with openly defying the law in Ireland, he answered contumaciously, and when called to order, refused to apologise.' Elizabeth swore in her harsh voice and spat with anger, as was her wont, at the impudence of her subordinate vassal and committed him into custody. She afterwards wrote to soothe an anxious Joan and in a friendly tone explained that 'a little gentle imprisonment' would do her vain young husband the world of good. But evil tongues and court gossip whispered in Garrett's ear that it was Joan who was responsible for his detention so that her son might be further favoured by the Queen. Garrett listened and wrote impulsively to reprimand his wife. Joan implored the Queen's secretary to inform her husband as to her innocence, declaring with a certain pathos, that she had continually sought for 'them both to be perfect friends, as two whom I love as myself'.\n\nBut Garrett's confinement had the desired effect. Denied his freedom and hard-pressed for money, he swallowed his pride and in 1563 signed a treaty with Elizabeth. He promised to pay his dues to the  Crown, to maintain English law and order within Desmond, to abolish Gaelic law and practice and to prohibit the unrestricted movement of bards and rhymers within his lordship. In 1564, after a further stay in custody in Dublin, he was finally reunited with his lordship and his wife.\n\nJoan, however, did not long survive her husband's return. On 2 January 1565, worn out, perhaps by the constant pressure of keeping her husband and her son from each other's throats, Joan died and was buried in Askeaton abbey. That Joan loved Garrett, and loved him deeply, cannot be disputed. Joan Butler FitzGerald was not a silly middle-aged matron who sought to prolong her youth by an amorous dalliance with the pale, poetic, warrior earl. 'By birth she was among the noblest women of the realm, by inheritance one of the richest . . . admired for her maturity and intellect', a confidante of Queen Elizabeth, a healer of old wounds. With the death of Garrett's first countess, died also the last prospect of peace in Munster.\nChapter 3\n\nThe Lady of Desmond\n\n_How hight that Amazon (says Artegall)?_\n\n_And where, and how far hence does she abide?_\n\n_Her name (quoth he) they Radigund doe call,_\n\n_A princess of great power and greater pride._\n\nSPENSER, _THE FAERIE QUEENE_ , III\n\nIt is perhaps a quirk of fate that, despite the ongoing feud, it was from the House of Butler that the Earl of Desmond should choose his new countess. On the surface it appeared that the earl sought to heal old wounds and re-establish connections with the House of Ormond which had been severed by Joan's death. But the reverse was in fact more likely, as both the manner and choice of Garrett's future bride could serve only to further antagonise his rival. For Joan Butler was no sooner laid to rest than her husband began a frantic courtship of Black Tom's kinswoman, Eleanor Butler, the daughter of his out-of-favour liegeman, the Baron of Dunboyne.\n\nAt nineteen years of age, Eleanor was within marriageable age and had received her share of proposals. Either the suitors had proved unsuitable or the marriage settlements unsatisfactory, for in 1565, despite her good looks and connections, Eleanor was still available. Her father's dispute with his brother still raged, with Black Tom Earl of Ormond ranged firmly on the side of her uncle. Relations between the Baron of Dunboyne and his powerful overlord remained strained. Consequently the Earl of Desmond's choice of Eleanor as his future bride seemed deliberately motivated to exploit the differences between Black Tom and the baron. From the evidence of their subsequent relationship, however, it is more likely  that the impulsive earl fell head over heels in love with the baron's daughter.\n\nThey had had many opportunities to meet through the connections that already existed between their families. Eleanor's half-brother, Donal-na-P\u00edopa\u00ed MacCarthy Reagh, the nephew of the chieftain of Carbery, was married to the daughter of the earl's half-brother. Garrett's sister was married to Edmund Butler, Black Tom's brother. Their most recent meeting might well have been at Askeaton, for the funeral of Garrett's late countess. There Eleanor had perhaps fallen for the aristocratic earl, his pale, sensitive face starkly contrasted by the black velvet of his mourning apparel. Like everybody else throughout Munster, she had heard the gossip about his unlikely union with the middle-aged Dowager Countess of Ormond. While contemporary accounts, generally written by his adversaries, accuse Garrett of being weak, coarse, vain, hypersensitive and void of judgement, there is no doubt that he was attractive to women, particularly strong-willed women, to whom he appeared handsome, pensive and totally misunderstood; someone to be protected both from himself and his adversaries. 'Behind him Desmond left no cool-eyed observers; he moved through his age enveloped in rumours and turmoil, and if his actions repelled some, the riddle of his personality irresistibly drew others.' Joan Butler had been a mature and intelligent woman. Eleanor Butler was also of a similar intelligent stamp, and both were irresistibly drawn to Garrett.\n\nThe entire Dunboyne household was thrown into disarray as the impatient earl conducted his ill-timed courtship at the same hectic pace as he was wont to gallop his horses. There is little doubt that Eleanor returned his advances. Her knight had arrived, albeit from an unexpected quarter. Eleanor's intelligence and beauty had a powerful impact upon the complex personality of her suitor, that strange mixture of poet and warrior. His love for Eleanor and his penchant for verse perhaps inspired his only composition to have survived, aptly entitled 'Against Blame of Women':\n\n_Speak not ill of womankind,_\n\n_'Tis no wisdom if you do._\n\n_You that fault in women find,_\n\n_I would not be praised of you._\n\n_Sweetly speaking, witty, clear,_\n\n_Tribe most lovely to my mind,_\n\n_Blame of such I hate to hear._\n\n_Speak not ill of womankind._\n\n_Bloody treason, murderous act,_\n\n_Not by women were designed,_\n\n_Bells o'erthrown nor churches sacked._\n\n_Speak not ill of womankind._\n\n_Bishop, king upon his throne,_\n\n_Primate skilled to loose and bind,_\n\n_Spring of women every one!_\n\n_Speak not ill of womankind._\n\n_For a brave young fellow long_\n\n_Hearts of women oft have pined._\n\n_Who would dare their love to wrong?_\n\n_Speak not ill of womankind._\n\n_Paunchy greybeards never more_\n\n_Hope to please a woman's mind._\n\n_Poor young chieftains they adore!_\n\n_Speak not ill of womankind._\n\nEleanor and Garrett were married at Kiltinan in late January 1565. The storm-clouds on the horizon would prevent the sun from shining for long on their union. For Eleanor was destined to become involved in a grim episode of history which would culminate in the most appalling personal tragedy and loss imaginable.\n\nThe earl and his new countess began their married life at Askeaton castle. Eleanor had a substantial dowry from her father, and Garrett endowed her with the castle and town of Bridgesford, County Tipperary, as part of her jointure. To judge by their later correspondence, despite their traumatic life together, Eleanor was devoted to Garrett, who in turn proved a respectful and caring husband. Her marriage introduced her to an environment markedly different from what she had been used to at Kiltinan and, in the more gaelicised and robust Desmond household, she strove to walk a  diplomatic tight-rope with the Desmond clans and followers who despised the very name of Butler.\n\nShe accompanied Garrett on a tour of his lordship. His client lords received her with the hospitality and deference due their overlord's countess. She viewed the great Desmond castles of Askeaton, Newcastle, Castlemaine, Shanid and the rest with a bride's eye to future adjustments and refurbishment. For the moment she was content to accompany her lord and his retinue on a tour of inspection of his estates as he received the rents, services, homage and entertainment due his station, and enjoyed the festivities and pleasures of her brief honeymoon.\n\nBut political developments in Ireland waited for no such pleasant dalliances, not even for the great Earl of Desmond, whose impulsive spirit in any case was easily provoked especially where his feud with the rival House of Ormond was concerned. Eleanor was about to witness the intensity with which the two rivals were determined to pursue their differences. This time the row was sparked by Garrett's claim to rents from Sir Maurice FitzGerald, Lord of Decies, in Waterford. The Decies was originally part of the Desmond estate, but Sir Maurice now claimed to hold it by feudal tenure from the Crown. Garrett, however, insisted on his right to the overlordship of Decies, which, he proclaimed, 'is and always hathe beene a member of the house of Desmonde and in the rule and governance of the saide Earle and his ancestors'. Sir Maurice appealed to the Earl of Ormond for protection. Black Tom readily agreed. Garrett thereupon summoned a hosting. His dependent lords and clansmen flocked to his standard, anxious for any chance to avenge themselves on their Butler enemies.\n\nThe intensity of their hatred doubtless surprised and dismayed Eleanor as she watched the Desmond forces mass before Askeaton. The mail-coated MacSheehy galloglass, battle-axes slung over their shoulders, formed the vanguard, as they would in battle when their ferocious strength and inborn hunger for slaughter was unleashed on their opposing counterparts, the MacSweeneys. The lightly-armed kern with their short Irish bows, targets and swords milled impatiently around the gateway. Inside the courtyard the horses attended by horseboys awaited their masters, who emerged from the castle clad in protective helmets, mail-shirts and jackets of quilted leather. Each carried a sword and dagger in his belt and a long spear. Garrett himself took command of this hot-blooded and impatient force. As he swung  into the saddle, his standard was raised and the ancient war-cry of the Desmond Geraldines erupted in a roar. Amid shouts of 'Shanid ab\u00fa!' Garrett, fourteenth Earl of Desmond, led his army to war against the hereditary enemy.\n\nEleanor watched her husband and his soldiers disappear from view, enveloped in the long woollen cloaks which would serve both as shelter and bed for the duration of the campaign. This was her first parting from Garrett, and she experienced a sense of loneliness and an even greater sense of fear for his safety. She was also uneasily conscious of her own vulnerability and isolation in an alien lordship. But the loneliness and fear would of necessity pass. Her training and personal experience had conditioned her to accept her husband's involvement in the unending litany of feuds, disputes, raids and rebellions, the hallmarks of the volatile society to which they all belonged. She busied herself in the administration of her husband's estate. Her inexperience and her Butler origins might well have made her task more difficult, but Eleanor Butler FitzGerald proved to be no pushover when it came to asserting her rights. From the moment of her husband's departure she determinedly set about establishing her position and authority in Desmond.\n\nThe years of skirmishing and verbal warfare between Garrett and Black Tom finally ended on 1 February 1565 at the ford of Affane near Lismore. This time no 'angel of peace' appeared to separate them. The rents of Decies were forgotten as, faced by the Ormond forces, Garrett put spurs to his horse and personally led the charge against his enemy. A brief but fierce battle ensued until Garrett, in a sharp encounter with Sir Edmund Butler, was 'stryken doune by shott of hagbut throughe his leg and woundid dangerously in III severall places of his body, besides divers bruses'. Some three hundred of his men fell in battle, while others, who tried to swim to safety, were hacked to pieces by the Ormond galloglass along the banks of the Blackwater. Garrett was taken prisoner by an exultant Black Tom. As he was being carried shoulder-high on a litter from the battlefield by his enemies, they taunted him by asking: 'Where now the great Earl of Desmond?', to which Garrett haughtily replied: 'Where he belongs, on the backs of the Butlers.' Brave words indeed. But for Garrett and Eleanor, Affane was to result in humiliation, imprisonment, loss of prestige, physical and mental deprivation, and the start of the slippery slope to rebellion and ruin.\n\nThe Queen was incensed at the entire episode and angrily ordered both earls to her presence. From Elizabeth's point of view, the Affane incident was an insult to her dignity and sovereignty, two attributes jealously guarded by the Tudors. Affane was the last battle fought between two private armies in these islands and, as such, it accomplished little but provoke the Queen's anger. 'It was impossible for a reforming government to ignore this assumption by nominal loyalists of a right to settle a family dispute by an appeal to arms.' The two offending dynasts were to be put straight on the matter by an irate sovereign. Meanwhile, Black Tom exacted his personal revenge on his vanquished enemy. For six weeks he had Garrett incarcerated in his jail at Clonmel until the Lord Justice ordered both himself and his prisoner to Waterford. Fearing that he might be adjudged of equal guilt by the Crown, Black Tom was determined that the Earl of Desmond should be seen in public as the defeated and discredited villain of the piece, and himself the aggrieved but victorious party. He consequently had Garrett bound in chains and paraded through Waterford 'with sounding of trumpett and gunne shott, in suche tryumphant sort as though he were an open enemye or traytours rebell . . . the whole inhabitants of the cyttie staring and wondering and diversly speking thereon to his shame and dishonour'. The jeers and catcalls of the citizens rang in Garrett's ears as he was led, sick, stumbling and dishevelled, through the streets. It was a bitter humiliation for the proud Geraldine earl.\n\nNews of the defeat of Affane and of Garrett's capture by the Butlers was brought to Askeaton by the defeated Desmond clansmen. Eleanor immediately set out for Waterford. She found Garrett in great agony from the wound in his thigh, a wound which was never to fully heal. Together they discussed the likely outcome of his capture and Eleanor soothed his feverish ramblings and bitter outbursts against the Butlers. Garrett entrusted the administration of his estates to her before being conducted to England to answer, with Black Tom, in person to the Queen for their presumptuous and precipitate action. To add to his discomfort, Garrett suffered greatly from sea-sickness on the trip. Consequently it was a haggard and ragged shadow of the vain, swaggering noble of their former meeting who was carried on a litter into the royal presence to answer for his crime. Garrett expected little mercy and even less justice from the angry Queen, well versed in his enemy's version of events.\n\nAt Court the Ormond\u2013Desmond feud became entangled in a wider political intrigue between the Sussex and Leicester factions. Robert Dudley, the Earl of Leicester, had emerged as the Queen's favourite and there was some trepidation in the Sussex camp, that her admiration ran to such lengths as to encourage speculation that she had found herself a prospective husband. Sussex defended Ormond and lauded his loyalty. He berated the Earl of Desmond, accused him of treason and of being an oppressor of his neighbours. Leicester, with the backing of Sir Henry Sidney, favoured Desmond, and they cautiously indicated that his claim over the Decies was no more than an assertion of a right enjoyed for generations by successive earls of Desmond. While Elizabeth was critical of the conduct of both adversaries, she reserved the sharper edge of her tongue for Garrett. Both earls were forced to enter into recognisances for \u00a320,000 and to agree to abide henceforth by the Queen's law. In an attempt to bridle Garrett's influence in Munster, MacCarthy More, over whom he claimed supremacy, was created the Earl of Clancar. Temporarily chastened, but undoubtedly relieved, towards the end of 1565 Garrett was permitted to depart for Ireland, while Black Tom chose to remain at court.\n\nGarrett returned to Eleanor not yet fully recovered from the wounds he received at Affane and bearing also the mental scars of his further alienation from the Crown. Eleanor listened as he bitterly complained about the humiliation he had endured in the English court and the favouritism displayed by Elizabeth. He had been cold-shouldered and snubbed, while his rival, Black Tom, equally culpable, had been favoured by the Queen and her officials. Even the Leicester\u2013Sidney faction had merely used him as a pawn in their political schemes and court intrigues. Eleanor soothed the ruffled pride of her aggrieved husband. She urged him to maintain his relationship, however tentative, with Leicester and Sidney as a means to counter-balance Black Tom's influence, as well as the antagonistic, ambitious petty officials in the Crown administration in Dublin. Initially Garrett seemed to take her advice and pursue a more loyal course. He refused to be drawn into a confederacy with the restless chieftain, Shane O'Neill of Tyrone, and even journeyed to Drogheda to meet Sidney, recently reappointed chief governor of Ireland, to offer him his services in the campaign against the Ulster chieftain.\n\nBeneath the surface, however, the Geraldine\u2013Butler feud simmered on. Factions from both sides raided and counter-raided the territory of the other. Both lordships were in a constant state of disorder. In the continued absence of Black Tom, his brothers contributed to the chaos in Ormond by their intemperate treatment of his dependent lords, tenants and town citizens, while the feud between Eleanor's father and uncle continued unabated.\n\nAfter his ineffectual foray into Ulster against Shane O'Neill, Sidney turned south to attempt to cool the seething cauldron of lawlessness and malpractice which, by now, seemed on the point of boiling over and plunging all Munster into ruin. He first took in hand the feud between the Baron of Dunboyne and his brother and promptly had them, together with their quarrelsome wives and Eleanor's eldest brother James, committed to Dublin Castle. He next moved against Black Tom's brothers and sent them for trial at Clonmel. Sidney then turned his attention to the vast, sprawling territory of the Earl of Desmond. Reports and rumours of the unbridled lawlessness of Garrett's estates, the excesses of his rule, and the intolerable exactions he demanded from those over whom he claimed suzerainty, had reached Sidney. But neither he nor the Queen comprehended the determination and intensity with which the earl guarded the hereditary powers and privileges of his position, nor the fervour with which his adherents accepted his overlordship, which bound him to them as much as it did they to him.\n\nFor just as the Tudors claimed divine right to receive loyalty and exert total authority, so the Earl of Desmond claimed, by ancient Gaelic and feudal law, the loyalty and dues of his tributary lords. Garrett's estate exceeded that of any other lord either in Ireland or England. His income, both in money and in kind, was immense, yet he paid not a penny to the Crown, either in tax or cess. He used the revenue to subsidise his private army to enforce his will. He brooked no interference in the administration of his estates and meted out a harsh and summary justice based on the Gaelic principle that the strong must naturally overcome the weak. He was proud, even vainglorious, but in this he was a typical product of a society that expected such traits in a leader. He was an autocratic dictator, reared to expect homage, power and wealth. The Crown administrators and officials sent to dislodge him from his lofty perch he considered mere  lackeys and underlings to be contemptuously dismissed. He was an absolute ruler by right, and this he intended to remain.\n\nEleanor presided over her husband's household and received the constant flow of chieftains, emissaries and spies who brought news of happenings in Ulster, Ormond, Dublin, London and the continent. Friars and priests came ashore at Youghal and Kinsale and beat a path to Askeaton to give tidings of the great religious crusade being contemplated on the continent against the 'heretic queen'. The wider political developments, with their religious undertones, did not concern the Earl of Desmond. The real news related to his lordship and its immediate enemies. Smarting at his treatment by Elizabeth and needled into action by his ambitious brother John and his military captains, like a Celtic warrior the Earl led his raiding parties at will. What Eleanor thought of his reckless behaviour is open to conjecture. The wild excesses of her husband and his followers, she realised, however, were bound to invite the attention of the Crown. Eleanor attempted to restrain her husband's more outrageous undertakings, more apt than he to see through the ill-advised plots of his brother. But for Garrett there was little choice but to play the Gaelic chieftain, keep his competitors for power within his own family at bay and still the wagging tongues that, on any sign of weakness on his part, might reopen the controversy surrounding his right to the earldom in the first place.\n\nThe number of his followers was legion and legendary. All the footloose and landless swordsmen of Munster flocked to his table and followed in his wake. The contrast between the earldoms of Ormond and Desmond was, in some aspects, remarkable. Black Tom assiduously flaunted his loyalty to Elizabeth while secretly retaining within his lordship many of the practices for which the Queen berated the Earl of Desmond. He had, however, made noticeable efforts to administer his estates by the English system, yet without foregoing any of the traditional dues and privileges he received under the Gaelic system. By his show of allegiance and a more circumspect and pragmatic administration of his lordship, Black Tom, in contrast to Garrett, presented to Elizabeth the commendable image of a loyal and anglicised Irish lord. Garrett, by his very nature and inability to adapt and play the politician, appeared the antithesis.\n\nIncensed at the situation in Desmond, Elizabeth ordered Sidney to bestir himself and find out\n\n_why such rebells and offenders as be under the rule of the Earle of Desmond and his brother John . . . have not ben apprehendid by them or why the said Earle or his brother . . . have not ben charged and made answerable thereto being to be committed to prisons as they ought to be._\n\nThe Queen could not forget that Sidney had favoured the Earl of Desmond at court, and she was suspicious that he might deal leniently with him at the expense of her prot\u00e9g\u00e9 Black Tom. 'Of which two persons,' she reminded Sidney, 'without any private respect of either of them, it is . . . most easiest to judge which of them aught to recyve favor and countenance.'\n\nWith the royal accusation of favouritism ringing in his ear, Sidney hurried to Youghal to confront the object of the Queen's anger. But Sidney well realised that any reform of the feudal lordships of Ireland must bring him into conflict, not only with the Earl of Desmond, but with the Earl of Ormond as well. Sidney planned to establish a militarily backed presidency in Munster with the aim to 'undermine the power of the feudal lords by depriving them of their palatinate jurisdiction, by prohibiting the maintenance of private armies and by truncating their power'. The loyal Earl of Ormond would be affected as much as the disloyal Earl of Desmond. But Black Tom was at the seat of power in London and had access to the Queen who, in any event, had been less than enthusiastic for Sidney's proposal which, she deemed, would necessitate further Crown expense.\n\nWhen Sidney suggested Sir Warham St Leger for the post of council president, the Queen, prompted by Black Tom, gave full vent to her disapproval. 'Wee did mislyke in deede to see you so addicted to the favour of the earle of Desmond', she fumed, 'as to the place St Leger the president of that Counsell, whose inward preferrid friendship towards the Earle of Desmond was notorious.' 'And', she added, perhaps echoing Black Tom's sentiments, 'the old inimitye that St Leger's father bore to the Earle of Ormond's father, whome he brought to his end heere in England by prosequuting of him so as we assure you nether needid We the information of the Earle of Ormond to disallow St Leger to be president.' While astounded at such overt prejudice, Sidney had little alternative but to let the presidency issue rest for the moment. Ormond's objection to St Leger merely masked  his opposition to an English presidency in Munster _per se_ and its likely effects on his own power.\n\nEleanor and Garrett were at Youghal, where Eleanor was delivered of their first child, Margaret. Garrett's spies brought news of Sidney's progress through his territory. As Sidney drew closer to Youghal Garrett's sense of grievance at the intrusion increased. He called for a 'rising out' of his tributary client lords and armed followers to show Sidney just who was master in Munster. As he rode through the Munster countryside, Sidney reported the waste and untended state of Garrett's domain to the Queen:\n\n_Like as I never was in a more pleasant country in all my life, so never saw I a more waste and desolate land . . . and there heard I such lamentable cries and doleful complaints made by that small remain of poor people which yet are left, who (hardly escaping the fury of the sword and fire of their outrageous neighbours, or the famine which the same, or their extortious lords, hath driven them unto, either by taking their goods from them or by sending the same, by their extort, taking of coyne and livery) make demonstration of the miserable estate of that country. Besides this, such horrible and lamentable spectacles there are to behold as the burning of villages, the ruin of churches, the wasting of such as have been good towns and castles, yea, the view of the bones and skulls of your dead subjects, who, partly by murder, partly by famine, have died in the fields, as in troth hardly any Christian with dry eyes could behold._\n\nEarly in 1567 Sidney confronted Garrett at Youghal, where the earl made little attempt to hide his displeasure at the Lord Deputy's presence. Sidney ordered an investigation into Garrett's long-standing dispute with Black Tom over possession of Kilsheelin castle. The investigation duly found in favour of the Earl of Ormond. The decision provoked Garrett into a passionate tirade, in Sidney's presence, against the Crown. He swore that no English sovereign should ever have jurisdiction within his territory and 'that he would never disperse with the old state of his family, but would have five gallowglasses where he had formerly had one'. Sidney brushed aside the earl's intemperate outburst and, with some sympathy, attempted to excuse it to the Queen on the grounds of her preference for the Earl of Ormond which, as he had warned her, made Garrett 'grow  desperate for that he cannot have his causes ended between the Earl of Ormond and him, in which matters I suppose each doth the other wrong'. But mindful of his duty as a loyal servant of the Crown, Sidney also pointed out that if Garrett did rebel and was defeated, his lands could be confiscated and 'thereby the Queen to be made mistress of a great part of the realm'. For the first time the idea of confiscation of the Desmond estates was, albeit hypothetically, propounded, and the attention of land-hungry speculators in England became fixed on the vast acres ruled by such an irresponsible and disloyal subject.\n\nAs Garrett sought to put his threat into action, Sidney attempted to clip his wings by inviting the earl's dependent lords to make submission to him personally, independently of their overlord. Garrett acted to counter Sidney's move, and soon messengers were bringing him word that the traditional Desmond allies had answered his call to arms and a thousand armed men were mustered to await his orders. Sidney's force in Munster numbered only two hundred. With the odds in his favour, Garrett attempted to leave Youghal to assume control of his army. Sidney forestalled him and in March 1567 committed the irate earl under guard in Youghal.\n\nEleanor was recuperating after the birth of her child. Her husband's rash behaviour made her greatly fear the consequences. She had tried to curb his intemperate conduct towards Sidney, the only potential English ally he had. But he would not be restrained and became even more incensed as he watched his tributary lords troop in, one by one, and submit to the Lord Deputy. Sidney listened as they recited long lists of complaints against Garrett, whose overbearing treatment 'so injured and exacted upon by him as in effect they are or were become his thrals or slaves'. Sidney ordered Garrett to accompany him to Limerick, while Eleanor remained at Youghal. Moving towards Limerick with his small force, with Garrett in tow, Sidney received reports that the earl's army intended to attack. He pre-empted the danger by placing the earl under arrest, and with this insurance was able to pass without hindrance through the Desmond heartland to Limerick. From there the proud Earl of Desmond was brought captive through Limerick, Galway, Athlone and back to Dublin, where he was confined to prison in Dublin Castle, branded by Sidney as 'a man void of judgement to govern and will to be ruled'.\n\nNews of her husband's imprisonment was relayed to Eleanor, who greatly feared the effects of this new humiliation on his mental and  physical well-being. His brother, Sir John, to whom Sidney had conveyed the administration of the Desmond estates in the earl's absence, went to Dublin to seek terms for his brother's release. But shortly after his arrival he found himself sharing the same cell as Garrett. Shades of the fate meted out by Henry VIII to the House of Kildare were revived. Was Henry's daughter about to order a similar brutal chastisement on the House of Desmond? All Ireland awaited the fate of the earl and wondered in awe at the seizure of such a powerful lord. Even Elizabeth appeared somewhat aghast at the temerity of her Lord Deputy in seizing Desmond on his own ground with such a small army. In Munster there was little reaction to the imprisonment of the earl except from his kinsman the Knight of Glin who took the field with his son Thomas. They were eventually captured and condemned to death. By a legal loophole the Knight escaped his fate, but his son was hanged, drawn and quartered in Limerick. 'There is a tradition that his mother was present at his execution, seized his head when he was beheaded and drank his blood and collected for burial at Lislaughtin abbey the parts of his dismembered body in a linen sheet.'\n\nMeanwhile Garrett languished with his brother in Dublin Castle, complaining bitterly to Sidney about the treachery of his capture. Sidney sought the Queen's pleasure as to the fate of his troublesome prisoner. But Ormond had the Queen's ear in England, and in September 1567 Elizabeth ordered that the earl and his brother should be transferred to the Tower of London. Eleanor's worst fears were realised. She hurried to Dublin and received permission to visit her husband. There was no indication of what lay in store in London. But they both realised that his absence from Desmond was bound to be exploited by his enemies from both within and without. The old Gaelic dictum 'a lordship without a lord is a dead lordship' was very much a reality in gaelicised Desmond. Few could be trusted. Officials and officers in the Crown's pay now cast envious eyes on the Desmond estates, reckoning up their potential as a means of revenue both for themselves and their royal mistress. Garrett's step-brother, Thomas Roe FitzGerald, the disinherited contender for the earldom, waited in the wings to reassert his claim by whatever means offered him the best opportunity of reinstatement. Garrett's cousin, James FitzMaurice FitzGerald, was the most able and likely contender to take his place in his absence. But he too would have to  be watched lest his unexpected promotion made him unduly ambitious.\n\nEleanor alone could be trusted, and once again Garrett entrusted her with the administration of his estates. He urged her to write regularly with details of her stewardship and to be vigilant in collecting his rents and dues. For in the grand Geraldine manner Garrett insisted on being escorted to his London prison by a princely retinue of followers. He intended to hold court in the traditional style, even though Elizabeth intended his palace to be a dungeon. But there were no multitudes of willing peasants in London to provide the earl with the means for this vain display. The rents and dues from his estates must pay for his self-indulgent and expensive outlay. Eleanor returned to Munster to begin the unenviable and daunting task of holding the fort in her husband's absence.\n\nGarrett and Sir John, accompanied by a hundred followers, were sent to London in December. Sir John fell ill during the voyage, and there was 'much ado to get him to Lichfield', where their escort reported they were 'thus constrained to tarry there to see what he will do tomorrow, when if there be any health in him they will travel towardes London'. They eventually reached the capital where the brothers were lodged under confinement in the Tower. The terms of their custody permitted them access to their followers who daily flocked to the prison. From his cell Garrett, while the money lasted, kept 'open house' and a hospitable table for his dependants, generally holding court as if he were at home in the great hall of Askeaton.\n\nWhile Garrett kept up the brave show in England, Eleanor was left with the responsibility of both funding her husband's extravagances and safeguarding his interests in Munster. As she had anticipated, the vacant earldom unleashed the unquiet ambitions of Garrett's relatives. In order to foment unrest within Desmond, rumours of the earl's death were circulated, and there was little Eleanor could immediately do to counteract them; the borders of her husband's territory were far-flung and communications primitive. The rumours provided the opportunity for the main contenders to throw their hats into the ring and revive their claims to the earldom. Garrett's step-brother, Thomas Roe, 'taking advantage of his brother's misfortunes . . . took upon him to command in chiefe the Earledome of Desmond'. It was rumoured that Thomas Roe was supported in his bid for power by the Earl of Ormond. Thomas Roe was stopped in his  tracks, however, as James FitzMaurice FitzGerald, proclaiming that his own interest in the vacancy was merely to preserve his cousin's rights, 'leapes into the lists, challenging any man that durst presume to question the Earle's right'.\n\nEleanor viewed the motives of both contenders with suspicion. Their bid to usurp her husband's position seemed likely to split the lordship apart as both prepared to implement their claims by force. She acted swiftly to pre-empt their plans and summoned a hosting of Garrett's retainers and galloglass. Like an avenging eagle she swooped on the two claimants and took them into custody until she could establish Garrett's will in the matter. After some time she received his instructions from the Tower to appoint James FitzMaurice FitzGerald as 'captain' in Desmond during his absence. He further urged his dependent lords 'to aid the countess and James FitzMaurice in collecting rents and in keeping the peace'.\n\nEleanor's suspicions about FitzMaurice's motives were unappeased. Garrett had been absent for almost six months, and his volatile sub-lords and chieftains needed an overlord to both protect and direct them. As the situation stood, any contender with even the vaguest claim to the lordship, but with sufficient strength to enforce it, could usurp Garrett's position. Her husband was far removed from the real situation and, she felt, placed too much trust in his cousin. Eleanor could not be sure that FitzMaurice's motives were as unselfish as he publicly proclaimed. Until her suspicions could be allayed Eleanor decided to keep FitzMaurice and Thomas Roe under lock and key.\n\nShe had also to contend with the Crown Commissioners in Munster, who also sought to take advantage of her husband's absence to extend their authority into his lordship. In addition, she was under pressure from the Commissioners to deliver her two prisoners into their custody. But Eleanor well realised that such action on her part would achieve little but to incur the wrath of their respective followers and lead to even greater disorder within the lordship under her care. She knew she had to play for time.\n\nThe Commissioners summoned her to Waterford, but she fobbed them off, pleading the unsettled and poor state of her husband's country and her own deprivation. 'I can scant abyde in one house past two dayes and two nights,' she told them, 'though it be wynter, but trudging and travaylinge by day and ptly. by night from place to place meaninge to appease the fury of their lewd attempts the best I can.' She had set out in January 1568, in the depths of a severe winter, to quell the rumours of her husband's death, to appease the anxiety of his dependent lords, and to determine their views on the proposed appointment of James FitzMaurice FitzGerald as the earl's temporary replacement. On her journey she tried to collect the rents due to her husband, but, as she informed the Commissioners (no doubt in order to dispel any hopes they might have of securing a share for the Crown) the state of the country was so poor that she 'could not find in my harte to take up myne owne dutys of the inhabitants there'. But the Commissioners insisted on a meeting to discuss the situation in Desmond and urged her by return messenger 'to lett us understand yor determinate answear whether yo will come to us or we to yo in any convenient place'. They further ordered her to deliver her two prisoners to the Crown and to ensure that all the tributary lords of Desmond submit to the Commissioners. But following the abduction and imprisonment of the earl, Desmond's sub-lords refused to meet the Commissioners, unless under Eleanor's protection, whom they acknowledged as the earl's true representative.\n\nDespite her suspicions of the ulterior motives of FitzMaurice and Thomas Roe, Eleanor was loath to hand her prisoners over to the Crown. Desmond needed a strong lord at the helm, especially at this decisive time. She subsequently extracted pledges and securities for Thomas Roe's release from the Munster lords, Roche and Power, and endorsed Garrett's choice of James FitzMaurice to act in a caretaker capacity until his return. She then released them, pretending to the irate Commissioners that it had been perpetrated 'by the rude people the erle's captens of galloglasses, constables and other of the countrey'. With her husband's lordship for the moment under control and in relative peace, Eleanor set out, escorted by Hugh Lacy the Bishop of Limerick, to keep her long-postponed appointment with the Crown Commissioners at Cork. To keep them at bay she promised not to impede the extension of English law into Desmond, though qualifying her promise by stressing that it applied only 'as far as my good will may thereunto extend'.\n\nDuring 1568 Eleanor maintained a steady flow of correspondence with her imprisoned husband. From the Tower Garrett continued to urge her to be vigilant in his interests in Munster and to endeavour to collect his rents, of which he was in dire need. The Queen had reduced her allowance for his upkeep, considering it altogether contrary to her  parsimonious nature that such an unfaithful subject, together with his overbearing retinue, should be maintained at her expense. Garrett's health began to deteriorate in the damp, unhealthy confines of the prison. He became withdrawn and silent as he brooded over the humiliation and injustice of his detention. His thoughts were constantly on Munster and in one letter uncharacteristically rebuked Eleanor for her apparent tardiness in sending him news from home. Otherwise the tenor of his letters to her was warm and loving; they were generally addressed to 'the Right honourable and my veray lovinge wife dame Elinor Countesse of Desmond in Ireland', according her all the respect and affection pertaining to her position as his countess and wife. In his letters he frequently sent his commendations to Eleanor's mother, the Baroness of Dunboyne who, on the death of her husband in 1567 and after their release from Dublin Castle, had continued to be harassed at Kiltinan by Peter Butler and his Ormond supporters. The heir of Dunboyne, Eleanor's brother James, a minor, had been sent to England to further his education at Cambridge. In a letter to his step-brother, whom he addressed as 'Mr Thomas of Desmond', Garrett instructed him in his behaviour towards Eleanor:\n\n_This shalbe to desire you not to fayle as my trust is no less in you, to be vearie kindlie towardes my Ladie my wif, and that she maie not slacke nor perceive the contrarie but your good will and yt you and everie of yours, as you tender my good will and advoid my displeasure._\n\nHis seneschal, John FitzEdmund of Imokilly, he instructed to aid and protect Eleanor.\n\nConditions in the Tower continued to worsen. Elizabeth's stop to the carnival atmosphere found Garrett now lodged 'without furniture and left to suffer from the cold'. His vexation was exacerbated when he was compelled to appear before endless inquisitions to answer for his conduct within his own lordship. There were plenty of paid spies and informers ready to talk. He was accused of providing meat and drink to proclaimed traitors in Munster. Disdainfully he explained the Gaelic custom of liberal hospitality, but denied that he had aided any treasonable offenders. Reasserting the inherited powers conferred on him by right of the palatine status of his lordship, he loudly proclaimed to his inquisitors that he had sole authority to rule and to  administer justice without regard to the Queen's sheriffs, judges or administrators. His judges could scarcely comprehend such seemingly outlandish claims which harkened back to the bygone age of the independent barons of feudal England, long since moulded into obedient subjects by successive Tudor monarchs. That such a political dinosaur as the Earl of Desmond could still exist, even in Ireland, was beyond the comprehension of their Elizabethan minds.\n\nEvidence of raids on his neighbours, of the disorder in his lordship and of intrigue with O'Neill against the Crown was produced against him. The whisper of treason began to circulate. Visions of the executioner's block, at Tyburn, and the jeering mob flashed before his mind. The pale ghosts of his Kildare kinsmen came to haunt him. Not willing to place his head entirely in the lion's mouth, in July 1568 he made a submission to the Privy Council at Howard House:\n\n_I, Garrett, Earl of Desmond, knowing myself to have offended the Queen's laws and to stand in great peril of life and forfeiture of all my lands and goods; and besides knowing myself to be in danger of forfeiting \u00a320,000 wherein I stand bound to Her Majesty by recognisance: therefore, to obtain her favour, I submit myself to her mercy and clemency, and do offer to Her Majesty all my possessions, thereof to take into her hands so much as she thinks convenient and to dispose of the same for benefit of the realm of Ireland, at her pleasure and I grant and promise that within days after her pleasure shall be signified to me, what castles, lands or liberties she shall think good to take, I will make assurance thereof to Her Majesty, her heirs and successors_.\n\nWith the imperious Geraldine where she wanted him, on his knees, and 'so far as the law went, Elizabeth now had Munster at her mercy, but she kept fast hold on her prisoners until time should declare how far the law coincided with the facts'. Garrett had saved his neck from the block, but at a terrible cost to both his pride and his pocket. His fate still hung on a thread, for, despite his submission, he was still in prison, destitute, ill and friendless. His sole hope depended on his wife's ability to counter the intrigue, greed and double-dealing directed against him from every quarter. The outlook in the summer of 1568 looked as grim as the cold, grey stones of his prison cell.\n\nSuddenly a new threat to the stability of Munster emerged and, for a time, seemed likely to spawn the unlikeliest of alliances between the rival houses of Desmond and Ormond. While his plan to establish a presidency in Munster had been forestalled by the machinations of the Earl of Ormond, Sidney now raised the idea of colonisation as a means to extend the Crown's authority in the province. His proposal was examined by the English government. Sidney envisaged the establishment of English settlements 'as oases of civility in a desert of barbarians'. Lands confiscated by the rebellion of their Irish owners, or land held by tenure that could be proved faulty or uncertain, would provide the means to subvent the proposed settlements. The Queen looked favourably on the proposal as a less expensive method of conquest and in keeping with the mood of discovery and colonisation in vogue among English financial entrepreneurs and intrepid, land-hungry adventurers. The settling of the disorderly areas of Ireland with English farmers, yeomen, artisans and soldiers, and the establishment of English shire practices therein, seemed practical and augured well for a more stable and less expensive administration.\n\nElizabeth's domestic and foreign problems had intensified. Scotland, in complicity with the ever-scheming Mary Stuart and her French Catholic allies, threatened revolt. 'The life-and-death wrestle between the Reformation and the unreformed Church had already settled into a permanent struggle between England and Spain.' While the struggle was, as yet, fought 'unofficially' by Elizabeth's privateers who plundered Spanish treasure ships as they returned from the Americas, Munster, with its unstable political situation, unreformed religion and strategically situated harbours like Youghal, Kinsale and Dingle, could yet provide Spain with the backdoor access to England.\n\nThe colonisation of Munster was greeted with enthusiasm in England. First into the fray, with a dubious claim originating from the Norman conquest, came Sir Peter Carew of Devon, an enterprising Elizabethan soldier and adventurer. Carew claimed lands in Cork, Kerry, Waterford, Meath, but also the barony of Idrone, the property of the Earl of Ormond's brother, Sir Edmund Butler. The ire of the loyal Butlers was unleashed when Sidney had the claim confirmed by the Irish Privy Council. On the strength of Carew's initial success, scores of enthusiastic English adventurers, including Sir Richard Grenville, Sir Humphrey Gilbert and Sir Warham St Leger, set their sights on the rich land of Munster in a mission of plunder on a grand  scale. To the majority of these pirate-adventurers, Ireland was as remote and unknown as the far-off Americas, peopled by a race as alien as the Red Indians, governed by savage chiefs and mysterious brehons, an ideal terrain for the ambitions and energies of restless young men in search of wealth and adventure.\n\nTo add to the growing anxiety of both Gaelic and gaelicised landowners Sidney, on his return to Ireland, had failed to bring back the Earl of Desmond. Fear spread among the Irish chieftains and lords including the normally loyal House of Ormond. Ormond's brother declared 'that no man of Irish descent could be safe' from the seizure of either his land or his person. Sidney convened a parliament in 1569 which was primarily 'used to promote the policy of conquest' and which caused further unrest. In Ulster Shane O'Neill, recently murdered, was deemed 'attainted, the name of O'Neill extinguished and the Queen entitled to Tyrone'; thereby sounding a clear warning to every lord and chieftain 'that there could be but one sovereignty in Ireland' and that possession of their lordships was no longer guarantee of legality of tenure by English law.\n\nThe first wave of adventurers landed in Munster and laid claim to lands and castles in the vicinity of Cork, possessions of the Earl of Desmond and MacCarthy More. James FitzMaurice FitzGerald seized his chance to exploit these developments and convened a conference of Geraldine leaders, informing them that 'their chief and his brother were condemned to death or at least to perpetual imprisonment'. Garrett's continued confinement, the uncertainty over land titles, the threatened colonisation, combined with the unlikelihood of Elizabeth being reconciled with the papacy, gave James FitzMaurice the opportunity he sought\u2014to broaden the basis of the local struggle over land and lordship into the wider international religious and political crusade against Elizabeth. To seek international recognition and material assistance for his new-found cause, FitzMaurice sent Maurice FitzGibbon, papal appointee to the See of Cashel, to King Philip of Spain. FitzMaurice next sought to make common cause with the brothers of the Earl of Ormond, still smarting under Sidney's chastisement and Carew's threat to their lands. The brothers agreed to become involved, though, they maintained, not against the Crown but 'against those that banish Ireland and mean conquest'. The prospect of an alliance between the usually loyal House of Ormond and the rebel House of Desmond, aided by foreign enemy intervention, sent  shivers of apprehension down Elizabeth's spine. She ordered Black Tom back to Ireland to resume his responsibilities in Ormond, but gave no such commission to the still captive Earl of Desmond.\n\nEleanor observed the unfolding events and wondered at the unnatural alliance being forged between FitzMaurice and the Ormond Butlers. They were no friends of her own family, and even less of the Desmonds. They had lately terrorised her mother and plundered her father's estates. She was suspicious of FitzMaurice's real intention, as he promoted his religious crusade. The question of religion mattered little in Munster, and FitzMaurice's use of it she saw as merely a means to subvert her husband's authority and position. She also feared the leadership abilities of FitzMaurice. In the continued absence of their overlord, and under the constant threat of colonisation and encroachment by the Crown, the loyalty of her husband's followers might waver. Caught in a dilemma between the Queen's refusal to release her husband and the unfolding ambitions and designs of FitzMaurice, she could do little but await developments and keep alive the fast-receding memory of her husband among his people.\nChapter 4\n\nExile\n\n_We have been here much molested with the erle of_\n\n_Desmond's wief . . . pretending that she hath not_\n\n_brought with her wherewith to mayntayne her_\n\n_owne charge nor the charge of her husbande . . ._\n\nQUEEN ELIZABETH TO SIR HENRY SIDNEY, 17 APRIL 1570\n\nIn July 1569 James FitzMaurice FitzGerald raised his crusading banner over Munster and with fire and sword swept through the province with the avenging fury of a convert hell-bent on doing the Lord's work. In Ormond his confederates, the Butler brothers, plundered and raided the countryside on the less lofty but nonetheless bloody mission of defence of their land. Confronted by the 4,500 men of this diversely motivated force, the newly-settled English planters and their families fled for their lives and cowered for safety behind the high protective walls of Cork, Kinsale and Youghal. Leaving a trail of corpses, looted and burnt-out houses and hovels, bare fields and thousands of cattle stampeded into the wilderness, FitzMaurice arrived before the gates of Cork on 15 July 1569 and ordered the mayor to 'destroy out of the town all the Huguenots with the first wind'.\n\nSidney proclaimed the Butler brothers and FitzMaurice traitors, and Carew commenced a campaign of retaliatory but indiscriminate slaughter in Ormond. News of the atrocities spread. In Connaught the earls of Clanrickard and Thomond bestirred themselves into action and united with their Geraldine and Butler counterparts to defend their land. In Leinster the Earl of Kildare wavered in the direction of his Geraldine kinsmen. Black Tom prepared to return to Ormond and made no secret that 'anti-Geraldine though he was, if the lands of the  ancient owners were to be seized by strangers, then he would make common cause with his countrymen'.\n\nThe situation was getting rapidly out of hand. The Queen made Sidney her scapegoat. She berated him for tarring Black Tom's brothers with the same brush as FitzMaurice, blithely ignoring their participation with him in besieging Kilkenny. Upon the arrival of their brother at Rosslare in August, however, they deserted FitzMaurice and, spurning Sidney, submitted instead to Black Tom. Shortly afterwards Carew's colonisation schemes in Ormond were abandoned. Sidney was ordered by the Queen to leave the Butlers to their own devices and to concentrate his efforts against FitzMaurice.\n\nAt Sidney's approach FitzMaurice fell back from Cork and sought shelter deep inside the Kerry mountains. For a second time in a matter of months Munster was subjected to a baptism of slaughter and rapine as Sidney retaliated with the same ferocity as FitzMaurice had shown to the planters. The earls of Clanrickard and Thomond promptly submitted, together with many of the confederates. Deserted by his erstwhile allies, FitzMaurice established his camp within the inaccessible fastness of the Glen of Aherlow. His first attempt to promote a religious confederacy, linked to international developments, had failed. But he had sufficient political awareness to realise that the question of religion had not, as yet, penetrated as a political issue in Ireland, which was 'merely a pawn in the great game of European diplomacy'. He could afford to lie low for a while, consolidate his position and formulate his plans to raise his banner another day.\n\nBut FitzMaurice's hasty action and Sidney's reprisal focused the attention of the Crown once more on the lordship of the Earl of Desmond. Eleanor soundly cursed the ill-advised revolt which had presented the Crown with the opportunity to establish garrisons in the abandoned castles of Garrett's tributary chieftains who had followed FitzMaurice. The countryside bore the scars of the revolt and, as Eleanor testified, 'was utterly distroid and wasted by the unhappie rebellion of James Fitzmorrish'. She found it impossible to collect the rents and dues owed to her husband, and whatever meagre sums were forthcoming were summarily expropriated by the Crown to redeem the expenses incurred in suppressing the revolt. Oblivious to the state of affairs within his lordship, Garrett begged her to come personally to him with as much money as she could obtain for the relief of himself and Sir John, both of whom, he told her, 'greatly lack apparel and other necessities  and especially money'. Their situation in prison had deteriorated to the level of common felons. But there was little that Eleanor could do to relieve their condition. She wrote to Garrett of the desperate conditions prevailing in Desmond which had prevented her from collecting 'no pte of yor rents or other duties that maye enable me to repaire toward you'. She held FitzMaurice responsible for the destruction and voiced her suspicions about his true motives, which she saw as being 'to bring you yf he could in further displeasor but also usurpe all yor enheritance to himself'. The ostensible religious overtones of FitzMaurice's revolt cut little ice with Eleanor. The misery and depression she suffered at this time is evident in a letter to Garrett in which she confided: 'I pray God send us joyfull meeting or me shorte departure out of this world.\u2014Yor loving miserable wief Ellynor Desmond.'\n\nShe sought permission from Sidney to go to her husband and moved to Kinsale in anticipation of his reply. Whether out of a sense of genuine sympathy for her plight, or with the intention of using her as a means to secure the release of the earl (a better alternative from the Lord Deputy's point of view than have to contend with the more dangerous aspirations of the earl's deputy, FitzMaurice), Sidney secured Eleanor a pass into England. Accompanied by her husband's lawyer and friend, Morris Sheehan, who throughout the traumatic years that were to follow was seldom from her side, and a small company of servants, Eleanor arrived in Bristol in the early weeks of 1570. From there she journeyed down the long, bleak road to London.\n\nIt was Eleanor's first visit to the great metropolis but, as she made her way through the maze of narrow, bustling streets, flanked by the wooden-fronted houses, taverns and shops, there was little time to wonder or admire. Hers was a mission fraught with danger and uncertainty. Her means were meagre, and the awesome task that confronted her, to effect her husband's release, would take every ounce of her energy, ability and resources. She had to move the mind of a resolute, autocratic queen whose known antipathy towards her husband seemed as unyielding as the hard, grey stone of his tower prison. She was conducted through the grim, dark corridors of the infamous Tower, and as the heavy iron-bound door closed with a shuddering bang behind her, she was reunited with a husband whom she scarcely recognised.\n\nThey had been apart for eighteen months. The once handsome, proud, richly-attired noble was no more. In his place stood a  trembling, gaunt and shabby figure who with red-rimmed eyes cried out his welcome and his fear. The reality of their awful dilemma was perhaps temporarily banished as for a moment a beam of happiness shone on their reunion and briefly lighted their gloomy surroundings. Through the prison bars they looked down on the slow-moving, muddied waters of the Thames, flanked by a jumble of dingy, riverside buildings, and thought perhaps of Askeaton and the rushing Deel and the green pasturelands of Limerick. Eleanor related the tidings from Munster and the changes that had occurred in Desmond during Garrett's absence. It was of the utmost urgency that he should find a way out of the Tower and back to Ireland to salvage what remained of his lordship and his authority. But with Munster subdued, there seemed even less likelihood that the Queen would see any reason to restore him. If, however, Munster was to relapse into disorder, then the heavy cost of restoring peace and the Queen's known aversion to paying the piper, allied to Sidney's advice, that the vacant Desmond lordship was the source of internal discord and a temptation to England's enemies, might well have the effect of making Garrett's restoration seem the lesser of two evils. Consequently FitzMaurice had to be encouraged in his religious rebellion and foreign intrigues. But before Garrett's return to Ireland could be contemplated, Eleanor first set about securing his release from the Tower.\n\nFrom both financial necessity and a desire to be with her husband, Eleanor took up residence in the Tower. The ancient stronghold, situated in the south-east corner of the old city of London, on the north bank of the Thames, built by William the Conqueror, was initially constructed as a secure enclosure within the surviving Roman city walls. Within this enclosure the imposing White Tower was erected. Over succeeding centuries the site developed with the addition of a series of smaller towers, connected by high curtain walls and surrounded by a moat. Eventually by the sixteenth century the Tower complex was to encompass some twenty-three individual towers, a chapel, and various lodgings, gardens and walks. Henry VIII was the last monarch to occupy it as a residence, and it gradually came to be used as a prison to lodge important political prisoners.\n\nOne of its towers, the Beauchamp Tower, had a tragic association with the FitzGeralds. It was in the apartments of this tower, following in the tradition of former inmates, that Silken Thomas, to pass away the days leading to his execution, started to carve his name on the  brick wall. The inscription, still visible today, was abruptly cut short, however, at 'THOMAS FITG' as the executioner of Tyburn interrupted the doomed engraver. Like his kinsman, the Earl of Desmond had also been allotted an apartment in one of the towers. The degree of comfort in the cold, cheerless rooms depended on one's own means or the generosity and influence of friends outside. Garrett's distinct lack of both meant that there were for him few comforts to ease the agony of his imprisonment.\n\nFrom the Tower Eleanor daily sallied forth to Whitehall, Westminster and further afield to Greenwich and Richmond, wherever Elizabeth and her court happened to be in residence, to seek her husband's release. From the fringes of the court circles and cliques she importuned, bribed and cajoled the influential and corrupt in her endeavour to obtain access to the Queen. She endured humiliation and defeat as backs were turned and doors slammed in her face. Her lack of means was reflected in her meagre and threadbare wardrobe. The powdered, coifed and bejewelled court ladies and their elegantly attired male counterparts, would have little truck with the down-at-heel countess from Ireland. The powerful Ormond faction spied on her every move as she picked her way through the spider-like web of intrigue and double-dealing on the long and perilous road to the Queen. A cash handout here, a promise of land there, it was a costly mission which soon absorbed her slim resources. In desperation Garrett wrote directly to Elizabeth's chief secretary, Sir William Cecil, explaining that as 'verie extreme necessitie' had prohibited Eleanor from continuing 'her sute for my delyverance into the cyttie of Londone', he was appealing to Cecil 'to have rememberance the futherance of her sute'. On foot of her husband's message, Eleanor redoubled her efforts, and eventually her persistence was rewarded. In May 1570 she was informed that Elizabeth had, albeit reluctantly, agreed to grant her an audience.\n\nThe audience was held at Hampton Court. The ill-feeling that the Queen bore her husband was extended to Eleanor. She realised that her petition to the unfriendly, short-tempered Queen must be couched in humble and repentant tones. With cold, calculating eyes the older Queen looked down on the younger countess who knelt before her and listened to her plea for sustenance for herself and her husband and for his release from the Tower. Eleanor promised in return to steer her husband on a path of loyalty and obedience. Elizabeth appeared unmoved by her request, and her attitude was reflected in the atmosphere of her court, which evinced little friendship or support to the Irish countess. It was dangerous to appear sympathetic to the wife of a rebel, personally out of favour with the Queen and currently awaiting his fate in the most dreaded prison in the land. A friendly look, a quick word of consolation or encouragement to his wife could be misinterpreted. Elizabeth's impenetrable face gave little indication of the likely outcome of their meeting, and Eleanor withdrew from the royal presence to her prison home to await the outcome.\n\nShe had not long to wait. In a letter that bristled with indignation and impatience at Eleanor's dogged persistence and her alleged penury, Elizabeth informed Sidney that\n\n_We have been here much molested with the erle of Desmond's wief who pretending that she hath not brought with her wherewith to mayntayne her owne charge nor the charge of her husbande and on the other parte we have been at no smale charges with him and his synce his comying over._\n\nAs ever, the cost factor involved in the maintenance, however frugally, of the Desmonds was Elizabeth's preoccupation. To rid herself of the burden, she acceded to Eleanor's request and ordered their removal from the Tower to the custody of Sidney's prot\u00e9g\u00e9, Sir Warham St Leger, on whom she also dumped the cost of their maintenance. Eleanor, Garrett, Sir John and fourteen servants were subsequently transferred from the Tower and lodged at Leeds castle, the country estate of St Leger in Kent.\n\nGarrett and Eleanor were well acquainted with their jailer. St Leger held a fee farm from the Earl in Desmond at a rent of 53s 4d per annum. He had obtained additional land west of Cork city, in recompense for financial assistance to Garrett during his period of captivity. St Leger's known antagonism to the Earl of Ormond and his friendship with the Sidney faction at court had initially drawn Garrett to him. Anxious to expand his estate in Munster, St Leger had provided his destitute landlord with money, but at a price. In any event, Eleanor had accomplished the first step towards achieving her husband's repatriation. And after the long months of captivity in the Tower, the relative freedom of Leeds castle and the fresh summer air of  the Kentish countryside must have acted as a tonic to the physical and mental well-being of Eleanor and her husband.\n\nFor a few short months of the summer of 1570 they enjoyed partial liberty in unfamiliar but pleasant surroundings. But soon St Leger's resources began to feel the strain of their upkeep. In October 1570 he complained of the dire straits of both himself and his prisoners. He begged the Privy Council for 'a warrant for receipt of money for their diet; otherwise', he threatened, 'I shall be constrayned to bring them to court, being not able, by my greate losses sustayned in Ireland, to beare the chardges thereof any longer'. The earl and his family, St Leger complained, had not 'any thing of their owne to relieve them selfes withal, having your honnrs not so muche as to buy them a pair of shooes, nor have not had since their cominge in to my chardge and stand in despair to have any thing out of their owne country'. No rents were being forwarded from the earl's estates in Ireland. He and his retinue were totally dependent for their food, clothing, shelter and necessities of life on their reluctant custodian. Garrett in captivity had cost Elizabeth more than when unrestrained in Desmond. Yet Elizabeth was not prepared to risk sending him back to Ireland. St Leger's protest of impoverishment fell on deaf ears, and the straitened conditions into which he and his aristocratic charges had fallen were allowed to continue.\n\nIn December 1570 the long-postponed decision to appoint a president in Munster was reached. The Queen nominated Sir John Perrot to the office with explicit instructions to seize 'the castle of the Earl of Desmond in Kerry [i.e. Castlemaine] . . . for the use of the Lord President and Council and also to seize the Liberty of Kerry which Desmond claimed as a palatine'. By the establishment of a presidency and the negation of the Earl of Desmond's hereditary palatine rights in Kerry, Elizabeth sought to undermine the power he exerted by right of Gaelic law over his tributary lords and to institute English law and administration in its stead. The choice of Perrot as President and the 'vigorous career of law enforcement and the discouragement of Gaelic institutions' that he was about to pursue put him on a collision course with the House of Desmond. Sir John Perrot, the supposed illegitimate son of Henry VIII, a bluff, energetic, if somewhat imprudent, Elizabethan knight, had been educated with the Earl of Ormond at court, and initially showed little enthusiasm for his new appointment in Ireland.\n\nNews of the new regime in Munster, and of the Crown's intention to render him powerless, filtered through to the Earl of Desmond, adding to the torment that afflicted his mind. In his captivity in England it was to be expected that the distracted earl would champ at the bit that restrained him from his patrimony and power. By now St Leger had been forced to move himself and his destitute charges from Leeds castle to his town house at Southwark, across the river from the Tower, a grim reminder to the Desmonds of their vulnerable circumstances. The house was unfashionably located 'east of London Bridge beside a depot for municipal building materials. The house had once been a friary in the country, but grown up about it was Bankside, a rowdy neighbourhood of breweries, brothels, the Clink Prison and the Paris Garden bear pits.' It was a dark, damp building, far too cramped for the two large households compelled to reside there in varying degrees of poverty and despair. The fog, damp and stench of the Thames seeped through every chink and hole in its timber-faced fa\u00e7ade, while the cries, shouts and curses of the squalid tenement area that surrounded it permeated to further disturb and harass the inhabitants.\n\nEleanor bravely soldiered on. She was now pregnant, and the misery and unhealthiness of her surroundings added greatly to her discomfiture. Garrett's health, reprieved by the brief sojourn in the Kentish countryside, succumbed again to the unwholesome environment and inadequate nourishment. The bills for the attendance of physicians and for pills and potions mounted. In desperation St Leger again beseeched the Privy Council for some relief and even offered to go to prison to free himself from the financial responsibility of his imposed guests. Too ragged to be seen by her peers in public, and in dread of the low dockland society that surrounded her, Eleanor was forced to remain cooped up within St Leger's house and was very ill throughout the duration of her confinement. Eventually, through the good offices of Sir William Cecil, a sum of \u00a3130 was sent for their relief, which, according to St Leger, 'hath ben ymployed uppon necessary apparel and phisick, they having been all very sick, the lady his wife yet so, and his lordship and Sr John but lately recovered. Their health cannot be long,' he warned, 'being pent upp in so little a rome altogether.' St Leger once again pleaded that he might 'be delivered of them, whereby I may bend myself towarde Ireland to seek to recover some pte of my losses'. The rich pasturelands of his prisoner beckoned the jailer.\n\nIn the stifling, deprived environment of their Bankside abode Eleanor was delivered of a son in June 1571, whom they called James. The birth of a son, heir to the great Desmond dynasty, should have been an occasion of great jubilation and festivity but for the circumstances of the infant's birth and the dark shadow that hung over the fate of his father, his mother and his inheritance. In their drab surroundings Eleanor and Garrett briefly celebrated the joyful event. News of the birth was less joyfully communicated to the royal court, where the continuation of the 'cankered' rebellious Desmond line was hardly considered an event for celebration. Nor was the birth of a son and heir to the Desmond title and estate welcomed by all the Desmond party at Southwark. Over the months a rift had grown between Eleanor and Sir John. The Desmond historian Russell later concluded that after Eleanor 'had become the mother of that young son the Ld. James, Sr. John of Desmond was out of all hopes to enjoy or inherite the Earledome after his brother's death; whereas before the birth of that child he conceived otherwise'. But the strain of their long captivity, destitute condition, frequent illness and close confinement had, even before this, driven a wedge between Garrett and his brother. Their frequent arguments merely intensified when Eleanor bore the earl a son. Sir John had anticipated that Garrett's frail health would succumb to the harsh conditions of his long imprisonment, and that he would then succeed to the earldom. He had not foreseen that Eleanor would choose to leave Ireland to be with Garrett, or that his brother would withstand the rigours of prison and father a son.\n\nEleanor, for her part, viewed Sir John with deep suspicion, and the rift that emerged between them in London was never to heal. She suspected him of evil intentions towards her new-born son, whom she guarded like a lioness. The safeguarding of the infant's life and his inheritance was to become her sole aim. Oblivious to the intrigue and danger that surrounded him, the young Desmond heir, sickly from birth, fought for life, which was to prove as unfortunate as the circumstances of his birth.\n\nShortly after the birth of his son it came to the earl's attention that his brother had offered, in return for his own freedom, to accept a commission from the Crown to suppress James FitzMaurice. And it appeared that he had also convinced Sir John Perrot, who in August 1571 advised the Privy Council that Sir John should be returned to rule  in Munster instead of his brother. The earl protested to the Privy Council that if permission was thus granted to Sir John, it would only serve to undermine his own position in Munster and, as he phrased it, 'geve me occasion to thinke that your honnours do either suspect my trewe and loyall service towards my soveraigne Lady the Queene or els do judge me unhable to geve them the overthrowe'. The rebels, the earl maintained, 'who besedes that they are traytours to her Matie so have they bene utter enemyes and spoylers of all my patrymony', which to a degree was true. In the event, however, Sir John's proposal, even with the endorsement of Perrot, did not find favour with the new Lord Deputy, Sir William Fitzwilliam, who bluntly advised Lord Burghley: 'God keep both Sir John of Desmond and base money out of Ireland.'\n\nThe birth of his son in captivity and destitution, his wife's protracted illness, uncertainty about the state of his inheritance in Ireland, and, above all, the Queen's negative response to his continued pleas for repatriation\u2014all drove Garrett to acts of recklessness in his desperate desire for freedom. Throwing caution to the winds, he openly abused the semi-free status that had been allowed him. St Leger complained that he was no longer able to control the earl, who, he claimed, 'refused to go down to Kent with him and in his absence had rashly ranged into sundry parts of London' outside the confines of his allotted parole. St Leger 'prayed to be delivered of him or to have command to keep him prisoner without liberty'. Garrett had been granted the liberty of Southwark, Bankside and the marshes west of Lambeth Palace. Tormented by his obsession to return to Munster, he roamed the narrow streets and alleys and hung around the seedy riverside taverns, desperately seeking some scheme for his deliverance. He listened to the chimerical plans and projects offered by the waterfront confidence tricksters and rogues who filled his head with wild plans of escape but who, with the earl's deposit of gold in their grasping hands, simply slunk away and disappeared among the milling dockside crowds.\n\nWhispers of the frantic attempts by the Earl of Desmond to effect his escape back to Ireland reached the court and reverberated abroad where it became entangled in the more complex web of international intrigue. The St Bartholomew's Day massacre of 4,000 Huguenots in Paris, masterminded by the Catholic Queen, Catherine de Medici, and her son Charles IX, coupled with the excommunication of Elizabeth by  the Pope, had finally polarised the European power struggle of England, Spain and France into a religious conflict. In Ireland the initial attempt by FitzMaurice to 'use religion as a catalyst to make a common cause of local grievances' appeared a more serious threat in light of international developments and attracted the attention of Elizabeth's enemies on the continent. Papal emissaries were despatched to Ireland. Sir John Perrot intercepted Edmund O'Donnell with letters to the Geraldine leader from Pope Gregory XIII. Agents from Rome had also infiltrated England to exhort the remnants of the Catholic aristocracy there.\n\nIn his daily prowls along the Thames dockside Garrett was watched lest he too should be contacted by papal or Spanish conspirators. Both Eleanor and Garrett had secretly written to encourage FitzMaurice in his revolt as a means to obtain their freedom and reinstatement in Desmond. Some of their letters had been intercepted by Perrot, who cautioned against allowing the Earl of Desmond return to Munster and recommended to Elizabeth that he should be restrained indefinitely in London. Garrett and Eleanor also wrote to the Earl of Leicester to inform him of their plight and of the condition of the Desmond estate in Munster. To further exploit the prevailing court factions, their trusted confidant, Morris Sheehan, was sent to Leicester armed with details of their version of the Desmond\u2013Ormond dispute over the lordship of the Decies and the ownership of Kilfeakle and Kilsheelin, which, as Garrett informed Leicester, 'are wrongfully witholden from him by the saide Erie of Ormonde'. Not to be outdone in the subterfuge the Earl of Ormond arrived in London and invited Garrett to dine with him. Black Tom made sympathetic noises about his rival's miserable plight. Lulled into a false sense of security Garrett readily accepted his rival's offer of help. But the Earl of Ormond and his cronies, as part of their vendetta against their opposite camp at court, and also in the hope of augmenting their fortunes out of Garrett's estates in Munster, had set a trap for the unsuspecting captive, who unwittingly found himself implicated in a more sinister political plot of international dimensions. Shortly after his meeting with Ormond, captain Martin Frobisher introduced himself to Garrett in a Bankside tavern. Frobisher offered to effect the earl's escape to Ireland for a suitable fee, together with the island of Valentia in lieu. Garrett eagerly agreed to the proposal and, elated at the prospect of freedom, and  encouraged by Frobisher, talked wildly of treason, foreign schemes, intrigues and rebellion, all of which Frobisher reported back to Court.\n\nBut before Garrett could be apprehended, events in the international political arena intervened to have him unexpectedly restored to his lordship. Elizabeth's change of heart sprang from her fear\u2014and Eleanor's hope\u2014that the dangerous and unstable situation that was developing in Munster would get out of hand. Exhorted by promises from the papal and Spanish courts, James FitzMaurice FitzGerald had emerged from his retreat and raised the banner of crusade aloft once more in Munster. The English President, Sir John Perrot, despite his initial resolve to wipe out the rebels and to eradicate all semblance of Gaelic law and custom in the province, was by 1572 forced to admit that he was merely whistling into the wind. Despite the severity of his rule, the rebellion still raged and Munster was more ruinous and desolate than when he had taken office. Well might Perrot wonder, as he wearily led his surviving hungry, underpaid soldiers through the wastelands of Munster in search of FitzMaurice, what it took to conquer such a wild land and such headstrong lords. There were no words of encouragement from the Queen, only impatience at his lack of success against FitzMaurice and incredulity that the bogs and marshes of Munster could so relentlessly soak up her precious revenue. Gradually Perrot was forced to adopt some of the Gaelic customs which he sought to destroy. He learned the advantage of ambushes by small numbers of lightly-armed soldiers, and how Gaelic rather than English military dress was better suited to the climate and terrain of Ireland.\n\nPerrot's war with FitzMaurice had developed into a personal vendetta. This was turned to his advantage by FitzMaurice when, with characteristic rashness, Perrot allowed himself to be drawn into a well-planned trap, from which he barely escaped with his life. His pride had been dented and his energy sapped by the unceasing, unrewarding campaign against an elusive enemy. He resolved to resort to the ancient Celtic method of single combat in an attempt to bring the inconclusive war with FitzMaurice to an end. FitzMaurice accepted his challenge, but insisted on the use of Gaelic weapons, the sword and dart, and stipulated that both combatants should wear Gaelic attire. At the appointed time and place the English President duly arrived, sporting his short, pleated tunic, tight worsted Gaelic  trews and leather quilted jerkin. Thus arrayed for battle, the former champion of the Queen's tiltyard waited for his Gaelic adversary. The hours passed, but FitzMaurice failed to appear. Finally FitzMaurice's bard approached and spoke his master's message to the waiting Perrot:\n\n_If I should kill Sir John Perrot, the Queen of England can send another President unto this province; but if he do kill me, there is none other to succeed me or to command as I do, therefore I will not willingly fight with him, and so tell him from me._\n\nAll Munster soon knew about Perrot's humiliation, and when the news reached the Queen only the restraining hand of Burghley prevented Perrot's recall. Perrot redoubled his efforts against FitzMaurice and vowed 'to hunt the fox out of his hole'. Driving him back into the Kerry mountains, he took the strategic Desmond fortress of Castlemaine, but the elusive FitzMaurice still evaded him. Then, in February 1573, FitzMaurice unexpectedly submitted to the President who pardoned him, maintaining that like 'a second St Paul' FitzMaurice had seen the error of his ways. But FitzMaurice was merely playing for time, waiting for developments to unfold on the continent that would enable him to resume his crusade in Ireland with even greater vigour.\n\nFrom Eleanor and Garrett's point of view, FitzMaurice's rebellion had accomplished the objective for which they had hoped and plotted. The rebellion made it impossible for the colonisation process started by Carew to make headway in Garrett's lordship during his absence. It had demonstrated to the Crown that the earl's removal had not produced the results anticipated, namely the extension of English law and custom throughout Desmond. His removal merely exchanged one Gaelic leader for a far more dangerous and able one. Elizabeth had seen no improvement in her finances resulting from the long imprisonment of the Earl of Desmond. On the contrary, she had to dig even deeper into her pocket to support her prisoner and his retinue in England, while at the same time endeavouring to suppress an expensive rebellion within his territory in Ireland.\n\nIn the hope that the wayward earl had learned his lesson and that he might conform, if only to ensure his son's succession to his estates  and title, Elizabeth signified her intention to rid herself of her tiresome prisoner. After much discussion, terms for his release were agreed. Garrett undertook to be\n\n_answerable to the laws, ordinances and statutes of the realm, as the Earles of Kildare and Ormond are, and shall assist the Queen's ministers in Munster to serve and execute and process writs and the levying of her rents, customs, subsidies, services and duties._\n\nHe also promised to apprehend all known malefactors within his territory, to renounce all foreign jurisdictions, and to put down the remaining vestiges of FitzMaurice's rebellion. He agreed to the suspension of his palatine liberties in Kerry, pending an investigation as to their legality, and to the forfeiture of such castles in his lordship, recently seized by Perrot, for as long as the Crown deemed it necessary for the public good. In theory, Garrett effectively signed away the hereditary powers and privileges of his earldom enjoyed by the House of Desmond for centuries; in practice, however, the Crown had yet to prove its ability to hold that which had been forfeited. But in the spring of 1573, after an exile and imprisonment lasting six years, freedom meant everything to the Earl of Desmond: freedom from humiliation, squalor, fear and poverty. For Eleanor, cooped up with her child in St Leger's house, still weak from the ordeal of the birth, from undernourishment and the unhealthy atmosphere of her surroundings, the prospect of freedom and return to Munster was as heady as potent wine.\n\nShortly before their departure for Ireland the prisoners were ordered to appear before the Queen. Still unable to conceal her personal dislike of Garrett, Elizabeth instead concentrated her attention on Sir John, to whom 'she gave a privy nip, that as he hath a good wit, so he should hereafter use it wele'. The Queen seemed better disposed to Eleanor than at their previous meeting and, knowing Eleanor's ability to control her husband's rash nature, urged her to direct him on a more loyal and law-abiding course. The Queen perceived the ragged condition of the Desmonds and, in a rare display of generosity, ordered presents 'of some silks for apparel and some money in reward.' Garrett boldly asked that the Earl of Ormond should also be returned to his lordship\u2014as a means, he maintained, to deter rebels driven out of Desmond from seeking refuge in  Ormond. For Garrett could not let the opportunity pass to remind Elizabeth that there were others in Ireland who had, despite their proclaimed loyalty, harboured rebellious subjects, not to mention relations, within their lordships but whom she had not thought fit to punish as he had been. Moreover, he would prefer to have his enemy in sight in Munster than at court in London, where Black Tom could more effectively intrigue against him. The cold eyes of the Tudor Queen flashed dangerously at his suggestion.\n\nBefore they set out on their journey Eleanor had to endure one final heartbreak. It was decided that her infant son, scarcely two years old, should be left in care in England. There is no evidence to suggest that the child was demanded by the Crown as a hostage for his father's future loyalty. On the contrary, the evidence points to the fact that he was presented to the Queen by his parents on their own initiative. He was taken into the care of their mentor, the Earl of Leicester, who stated in a later letter to Garrett and Eleanor that\n\n_Yor Ls request for the presentinge of yor sonne to Her Matie I have also accomplished. Her Highness accepteth of him and taketh yor offer of him in very good pte as I have signefied by lres to my Lady yor wife and by cause he is yet too younge to be brought hither, Her Matie hath taken ordre for his plasinge until he shal be fit to be removed._\n\nThe child had been sickly from birth, and Eleanor may well have considered that the long and arduous journey to Ireland might further compromise the infant's welfare. It was, however, more likely that the decision to leave their child in England sprang from fears for his safety from Garrett's own relatives and competitors in Munster. The rift between Eleanor and Sir John of Desmond had continued to widen. The unsettled state of her husband's lordship and the uncertainty of their future there were hardly conducive to the safety and health of the heir to the earldom of Desmond. Under the patronage and care of the powerful and friendly Earl of Leicester, her son's life and future might be better assured.\n\nDespite despatches from the President of Munster, who unceasingly had advised the Queen against Garrett's restoration, the Desmonds were permitted to depart for Ireland. They were conducted there under the charge of the newly-appointed vice-treasurer, Sir Edward Fitton. Rumours of Perrot's opposition to their return reached them in  London; and, suspecting that Fitton and Perrot were in league, Garrett, Eleanor and Sir John made a dash across England and Wales for Beaumaris in search of a quick passage to Ireland. But Fitton caught up with his fugitive captives, and eventually the entire party set sail for Dublin. They landed at White Friars in Dublin on 25 March 1573 after an exile of almost six years.\nChapter 5\n\nA Troubled Homecoming\n\n_There went he and the Countess towards_\n\n_Loughgure, where a nombre of the freeholders of_\n\n_the Countie of Lymerick met hym. He and his_\n\n_wiefe put on Irishe rayment and made_\n\n_proclamation that no deputie nor constable nor_\n\n_sheriff should practise their office in his countrey_.\n\nJUSTICE NICHOLAS WALSHE TO LORD DEPUTY FITZWILLIAM, 24 NOVEMBER 1573\n\nThe joy of liberty was short-lived, and the nightmare of captivity looked set to continue. No sooner had Garrett, Eleanor and Sir John disembarked at the walls of Dublin than they were promptly taken to Dublin Castle where they were held in 'easy restraint' at the behest of Sir John Perrot. Perrot had long resisted the Earl of Desmond's restoration and, as he doused the embers of rebellion in Munster, saw even less reason for the earl's return. Eleanor, while not personally held in custody, chose to remain with Garrett in Dublin. They were permitted daily access to the city and once again incurred much expense as they strove to maintain themselves in some state conducive to their rank and position. But Eleanor's main preoccupation was to pacify and control her husband. Garrett was incensed at his further detention. He accused the crown officials in Dublin and in London of a breach of faith. What right had they to restrain him, the Earl of Desmond, set at liberty by the Queen? His lack of political cunning was once more exposed as he made wild threats and treasonable outbursts against the Crown.\n\nEleanor realised that her husband was close to breaking-point. Despite her pleas for caution, he could not control his sense of anger and outrage before the sneering faces of the petty Castle officials, who  reported his every word and goaded him into even more damning utterances. He could not be restrained even in the presence of Perrot, who contemptuously reported 'that Desmond was devoid of reason and that nothing could be done with him'. Perrot urged the Queen to have him speedily returned to England, as he considered him 'more fit to keep Bedlam than to rule a newly reformed country'.\n\nGarrett's brother, Sir John, played his cards more cautiously and, promising to uphold English law in his territory, was allowed to depart for Munster. Eleanor became suspicious at the ease with which her brother-in-law obtained his release from Perrot, who had previously indicated to the Queen his readiness to accept Sir John in preference to Garrett as leader of the Geraldines in Munster. To thwart Sir John's ambitions, Eleanor decided to accompany him back to Munster. Lack of money and the collection of the overdue rents of his estates were used as the excuse to explain Eleanor's sudden departure. 'Such rentes and duties as were owing in my country', Garrett complained to the Irish Privy Council, 'were taken up by suche as tooke little cause to heere in what beggered estate I lyde there in Dublin.'\n\nEleanor found Munster in relative peace, slowly recovering from the ravages wrought by the rebellion and Perrot's subsequent reprisal. As Askeaton loomed into view, despite her undoubted fatigue, she felt a warming sense of homecoming after her long and bitter exile. Her daughters awaited to be reunited with her. As news of her arrival spread, Garrett's tributary lords and dependent clansmen came to seek news of their overlord and to give an account of themselves during his absence. She listened to their complaints about the encroachment of Perrot's administration into their domain. The return of their overlord they hoped might restore their traditional rights.\n\nIn July the news of Perrot's sudden departure from Ireland, due, it was said, to ill-health, spurred the Munster lords into action to bring about Garrett's release. Glin castle was seized and the surrounding countryside plundered. James FitzMaurice intensified negotiations with Spain and Rome to revitalise interest in his religious crusade. At the same time he divorced his wife on the grounds that she had conducted an amorous correspondence with his erstwhile ally, Edward Butler. He promptly remarried O'Connor Kerry's widow and thereby gained access to the strategic O'Connor castle of Carraigafoyle on the Shannon. Munster was in a restless state once more.\n\nIn Dublin the Council began an investigation into the legality of Garrett's privilege of palatine rights in Kerry and adjudged it to be void. There was henceforth to be but one legal palatinate in Ireland\u2014that of the Earl of Ormond in Tipperary. The Crown's preference for one earl over the other was once more blatantly exposed. While Garrett fumed in captivity in Dublin Eleanor kept him in touch with developments in Munster and redoubled her efforts to secure his release. But Garrett also received intelligence from England to the effect that the dreaded nightmare, his return to captivity to the Tower, was being actively propounded by Perrot at Court. As the Crown had failed to honour the terms of his release, Garrett considered himself free from whatever promises he had made to the Queen. He waited while Eleanor co-ordinated plans to effect his escape from Dublin.\n\nOn a chilly morning in early November 1573 the Earl of Desmond informed the Mayor of Dublin, in whose custody he had been placed, of his intention to join a stag hunting party to the city environs. This was customary, according to the terms of Garrett's detention, which stipulated that he must return to the mayor's custody each evening. But at Grangegorman Garrett gave the hunting party the slip and, accompanied by the faithful Morris Sheehan, rode south through the territory of his kinsman the Earl of Kildare without hindrance. There they were met by Rory Oge O'More and Piers Grace, two prominent rebel leaders, who, with a guard of 'some hundred kerne and shot of the Moores', escorted the earl safely through the midlands to B\u00e9al an Droichid where Eleanor waited. Together they hurried on towards Limerick.\n\nNews of the Earl of Desmond's dramatic escape spread rapidly. As if awaiting the return of a messiah, his followers flocked to see him at the Geraldine lake fortress of Lough Gur. The crowds had already assembled as the earl and countess rode down towards the lake shore. With a great cheer of welcome, which reverberated over the still waters, they surged forward to greet their overlord. For many of the wildly cheering clansmen the reappearance of their almost forgotten lord was like a resurrection from the dead. As he climbed stiffly down from his horse, the misery of his long years of imprisonment was etched on his haggard features and on his threadbare hose and worn shoes. It was an emotive and highly-charged meeting between the earl and his loyal Desmond retainers and clansmen. Later, as was subsequently reported to the Lord Deputy, the earl 'and his wiefe put on Irishe rayment and  made proclamation that no deputie nor constable nor sheriff should practise their office in his countrey'.\n\nSymbolically donning the clothes and speaking the words expected of a Gaelic warrior chieftain, the proud Geraldine thus appeared triumphant before his people. All the pent-up anger, frustration and humiliation which he had endured at the hands of the Crown spilled forth. This was his hour of glory, the destiny of which he had dreamed and from which he had drawn solace and comfort in the long, dark nights in his Tower cell and in his destitute lodgings in Southwark. The traditional retainers, dependants, galloglass and kern of his house pressed excitedly around him, their roars of welcome acting as a stimulus to his long-suppressed ego. Vain and dangerous threats against the Crown and rash promises of a return to Gaelic ways gushed forth incautiously as he basked in the adulation of his supporters, 'knowing no God, no prince but the earl, no law but his behests'. With exultant cheers, the Earl of Desmond and his countess were escorted home to Askeaton.\n\nEleanor listened, with some misgivings, to the indiscreet outbursts of her husband and perhaps wished that he had spoken with more restraint. It was an emotional reunion for him and it was natural that he should vent his spleen on the Crown which had broken faith with him so often. His health had suffered considerably from his enforced detention, and the doubts of his Gaelic followers as to his fitness to receive and command their allegiance had to be assuaged. There were many competitors waiting in the wings should he appear incapable. On the other hand, as Eleanor realised, partly as a result of the events that had occurred in Munster during his exile, and partly because of the recent developments on the international front and their possible effects on Ireland, a return to the old ways would be strongly resisted by the Crown, which had established a foothold in Garrett's lordship which it intended to retain.\n\nTo survive, Eleanor knew, they must adapt to the changing political parameters. She had personally experienced English power, its commitment, philosophy to progress and change, its unity of purpose, its lust for exploration and exploitation. The Earl of Desmond, as leader and protector of the cause of Gaelic Ireland, was doomed; but if he adapted to the changing circumstances relentlessly being promoted by the Tudor political machine in Ireland, he would not only survive but, perhaps, retain his power like his neighbour  Ormond. Perhaps it was Eleanor who influenced Garrett to write to the irate Queen regarding his flight from custody in Dublin. It may have been Eleanor's idea too that she should take the blame for her husband's unlawful escape, to mask the real reason. For Garrett excused his unauthorised departure to Munster as having resulted from his concern for Eleanor, 'in whose care in myne absence, having no thing els to lyve upon . . . did pricke so deeply that I camme away without your lycence with intent faithfully to serve her matie as becommeth a true subject'. With tongue in cheek, Garrett assured the Queen, 'if I thought my staye there [in Dublin] had ben ane way a further cause to your highness service, I would [be] well contented to end my lyfe there in captyvitie'. For the moment there was little Elizabeth could do but grit her teeth at the insolence and audacity of the Irish earl.\n\nGarrett's fiery speeches to his supporters brought immediate and predictable results. Castlemaine and Castlemartyr, which had taken Sir John Perrot so long to capture, were seized. Garrett ordered the English strongholds in Glin and Castletown to be razed to the ground, and he granted Glin, Carraigafoyle and Tarbert to his cousin James FitzMaurice. Rumours of foreign-based conspiracies circulated, and a servant in the Earl of Desmond's livery was reported to have been sighted at the Spanish court. The earl revelled in his freedom and power. His dramatic escape from Dublin had enhanced his prestige among the Gaelic and gaelicised grandees. O'Neill and Clanrickard sought an alliance. To those on friendly terms Garrett loudly declared that 'he would rather have an old mantle in Munster than a torn silk gown in England'. With less likely allies, such as the redoubtable Butler brothers, he was more circumspect: he stoutly professed his loyalty to Elizabeth but his independence of her administration in Dublin\u2014for fear, he claimed, of being subjected again to the extremities he had suffered in the past. To emphasise his argument, 'he exhibited the patched and pieced hose and shoes which he had been forced to wear continually in England'. The Butlers were unimpressed and refused to be drawn into another Geraldine-led conspiracy. Defence of their lands was one thing, but intrigue with alien powers against the Crown was another matter entirely. Like bees to a honey-pot, however, the idle swordsmen of Munster swarmed to Garrett's gates. Soon his army numbered over a thousand, all of whom had to be fed and maintained at his people's expense.\n\nThe Lord Deputy, Sir William Fitzwilliam, could do little to curb the earl's increasing power in Munster. Lack of money and poor coordination of resources and manpower in his administration resulted in turmoil in every province. In Connaught the restless sons of the Earl of Clanrickard, Elizabeth's 'impudent imps', plundered unchecked throughout Galway. Turlough Luineach, chief of the O'Neills in Ulster, was known to be plotting with the Scots and the Spanish. In Leinster the O'Mores raided at will through King's County and Queen's County, and even the Pale was subjected to attack. In Ormond the palatinate of Black Tom was said to be as disturbed and wasted as Desmond. The Lord Deputy and his vice-treasurer, Sir Edward Fitton, were at each other's throats and could not agree on tactics to quell the maelstrom. Finally, at the end of his tether, Fitzwilliam begged the Queen to relieve him of his post in Ireland. With her administration and military commitments in Ireland stretched beyond their limits, Elizabeth was compelled to pursue a policy of reconciliation towards the Earl of Desmond. She despatched warrants to Dublin which formally, if belatedly, granted the self-liberated earl his freedom. She urged him to make peace with her Lord Deputy and to disperse his private army, which she realised well outnumbered her own in Munster. But the earl reckoned that he negotiated from a position of strength and, flushed by his reception and success in Munster, boldly replied that if the Queen would remove her garrison from nearby Kilmallock, he would find little need to maintain so large an army.\n\nIn an attempt to breach the dangerous gulf developing between the Earl of Desmond and her administration in Ireland, Elizabeth consented that Edward FitzGerald, the brother of the Earl of Kildare, should negotiate with his imperious kinsman. But Garrett proved reluctant to negotiate with anybody. Fearful that the ever-widening gap between the Queen and her husband should become an unbridgeable chasm, Eleanor urged him to at least hear what FitzGerald had to offer. While he awaited Garrett's decision FitzGerald stayed at Eleanor's old home, Kiltinan castle. As floods on the Shannon prevented Garrett from a planned rendezvous with the Earl of Clanrickard, reluctantly he acceded to Eleanor's advice to meet the Queen's emissary instead.\n\nEleanor was pregnant again and unable to accompany her husband to the meeting. The earl set out with Sir John of Desmond,  James FitzMaurice and Andrew Skiddy, the judge of the palatinate of Kerry, to meet FitzGerald at Clonmel. FitzGerald assured the earl that the Queen did not seek to dispossess him but merely wished to be assured of his loyalty and his compliance with the promises he had made in England. Garrett flatly refused to go to Dublin, but indicated his willingness to meet with the Lord Deputy on the borders of his own territory instead. He refused to hand over Castlemaine and Castlemartyr to captain Bouchier, the English constable at Kilmallock, but offered them to FitzGerald, who, he knew, had no commission to accept them and no means of holding them. Beyond this, as FitzGerald reported to the Queen, Desmond would not be moved. Elizabeth had little option but to pardon the earl, which she did reluctantly in the hope that 'he would restore such castles as either we were possessed of before the time of his escape or any other that we should like to be delivered into our hands'. Once back in the safety of Askeaton, however, Garrett flatly refused to forfeit any of his fortresses. Elizabeth thundered against her luckless Lord Deputy as Garrett claimed a moral victory over the Crown, a thing abhorrent to Elizabeth's Tudor sense of sovereignty. 'We think ourselves touched in honour', she raged, 'that the earl may have cause to think that we should now seek upon him a thing very unfitting for the place and quality we hold.'\n\nGarrett's moral victory over the Crown further enhanced his standing among his peers. With rumours of alliances and intrigues, domestic and foreign, Eleanor realised that her husband was now becoming the lynch pin for a wider conspiracy of opposition to English rule in Ireland. She knew her husband's unsuitability to adopt the mantle of leadership of a Gaelic alliance against England. Garrett was not endowed with the strength, charisma or commitment necessary to mould the highly individualistic tendencies of the Gaelic and gaelicised lords into an effective, organised and patriotic alliance, where personal ambition must become secondary to a common cause. But Gaelic society was, as ever, divided and unable to either spawn or succour such a national alliance. Every lord sought independence of his neighbour as much as of the Crown. It would require the services of a ruthless, powerful leader, driven by a vision of nationhood, to lead and unite such an assortment of independently-minded egotists. Garrett FitzGerald, 14th Earl Desmond, was no such visionary.\n\nEleanor's objective was to make her husband secure in his title and estates. But to attain that seemingly realistic and understandable ambition, she realised Garret must first come to terms with the changing political scene. Elizabeth was adamant that Ireland's autocratic lords, whose independent tendencies she viewed just as much an affront to her sovereignty as a threat to England's security, must be brought into line. They must either accept the new political parameters, affirm their loyalty to the Crown, and thus retain the power and privilege allowed them by law, or rebel and risk losing everything. Garrett's temperament and character would, in any event, make a painful transition inevitable. But there were other forces, more sinister in their motivation and more clandestine in their operation, from within the Desmond family itself, that sought to make that transition even more difficult. To Eleanor these powerful interests were as devious and dangerous as the most ruthless agents of the Crown. Both groups cast envious eyes on her husband's estates and plotted his alienation from the Crown. For Garrett to make the transition from a sovereign lord in his own right to a loyal earl of the realm she knew would take time.\n\nEleanor sought to gain that time. She wrote to the Lord Deputy to reassure him of her husband's loyalty. Initially her letter would seem to have had the desired effect, and Fitzwilliam and his army remained in Dublin. As Garrett ruminated over his position in Munster his liegemen ran riot throughout the province. James FitzMaurice captured captain Bouchier and kept him prisoner, while Garrett's galloglass, the MacSheehys, seized the Mayor of Limerick. Hundreds of kern and clansmen flocked to Askeaton and looked to their indecisive overlord to provide them with work for their weapons and food for their bellies. Reports reached Dublin and London that Desmond had now at his disposal an army of 3,000 men-at-arms, that he had captured Kilmallock and Cork, and that he intended to deliver Valentia Island to the King of Spain, with whom he was said to be in constant communication. It was also said that he intended 'to purge the country of the name of England' and that he would listen to no counsel but that of the rebel leader James FitzMaurice.\n\nUnder pressure from all sides, Garrett brooded over his position. In the great oak-beamed hall of Askeaton the earl listened as the Desmond bard O'Daly solemnly intoned the valorous deeds of his ancestors. The bard recited a litany of treachery and deceit perpetrated  against the House of Desmond by successive English monarchs. Words of exhortation flowed from his lips as he listed the heroic tales of Nesta's sons and the first Irish Geraldines. Low, deep-throated growls erupted from the bearded chieftains, seated at the trestle tables, as O'Daly bewailed the cruel fate meted out to the earl's kinsmen, the Geraldine Kildares, at Tyburn. The assembly was brought to its feet as the bardic recitation reached its climax denouncing the late treacherous imprisonment of the earl and the subsequent attempts of the English to usurp his power and patrimony. 'Shanid ab\u00fa!' cried the bard.\n\nIn the emotionally charged atmosphere the wooden drinking-cups, overflowing with the heady wine of Spain, were raised, as lord, chieftain, constable and captain saluted their pale, brooding overlord seated impassively at the top of the hall. 'Shanid ab\u00fa!'\u2014their answering roar of allegiance seemed to lift the great beams from their stone corbels and fly south over the dark mass of Kylemore to strike terror into the heart of any faint-hearted or doubting inhabitant of Munster. Beside her husband, Eleanor looked on in fear at the upraised faces and frantic eyes of his supporters, who in their wild homage to her husband also demanded their age-old right to his leadership in the defence of their antique Gaelic world.\n\nAs reports of the lawlessness in Munster continued to reach her, Elizabeth angrily berated Fitzwilliam for his apparent unwillingness to move against the Earl of Desmond. Fitzwilliam attributed his inaction to Eleanor's stalling intercession on her husband's behalf. 'The Countess with her contynuall impertinancie', Fitzwilliam complained, 'and constant assercions of his conformitie made me to hope he wolde in tyme prove so conformiable as she reported him.' Eleanor's action had been successful in staying Fitzwilliam's hand but, in any event, Fitzwilliam was about to be pushed aside in favour of Elizabeth's new favourite, the dashing, extrovert, Walter Devereux, Earl of Essex.\n\nEssex came to Ireland in August 1573 in the vain hope of conquering Ulster for his royal mistress. But the Ulster chieftains, as Essex found to his cost, did not part easily with their territories. Their resistance, together with the insubordinate conduct of his demoralised soldiery, whose fear and hatred of Irish warfare and irregular pay made them desert in hundreds, had tarnished the gilded image of Gloriana's shining knight. Essex now sought to make amends. The seemingly impossible task of reconciling the Earl of Desmond to the Crown  seemed an appropriate challenge. Essex wrote to Garrett, seeking a meeting and urging him to free himself from 'ill counsellors who hiss you on to that which is evil'. Echoing Eleanor's fears, Essex advised Garrett:\n\n_My lord, consider well of this and look into the case deeply and give care unto the sound and faithful counsel of your friends and stop the ears from hearkening unto them which seek by their wicked counsel to destroy yourself and to overthrow your house_.\n\nEssex wrote in similar vein to Eleanor and urged her to use her influence to persuade her husband to meet him. Eleanor's counsel prevailed, and Garrett finally agreed to hold discussions with Essex at Waterford. He was accompanied by Eleanor, James FitzMaurice and sixty horsemen. On 1 July 1574 they halted at a bridge some three miles outside the city, where they were met by the Earl of Kildare. The Desmond party refused to enter Waterford without a safe protection, which they promptly received\u2014for twenty days' duration. Garrett, with Eleanor by his side, accompanied by the Earl of Kildare, rode into Waterford and were received by Essex at his rooms in the city. After a series of meetings, on the advice and under the personal protection of both earls, Garrett and Eleanor agreed to go to Dublin, where Garrett's case was again to be examined before the Council.\n\nDespite Essex's friendship and protection, the journey to Dublin must have been a difficult and fearful one for the Desmonds. Eleanor might well have wondered whether the faith she had in Essex would be vindicated. Her husband's dread of further imprisonment had become an obsession. The nightmare of Dublin Castle, the Tower and Southwark was still a vivid, raw reality. Could a sense of honour and good faith exist in their present circumstances? Would Essex keep his word? Eleanor had placed her trust and her husband's life and liberty in his hands. But unknown to her, or to Essex, the Council in Dublin had received a stinging missive from the Queen, who demanded immediate action against the Earl of Desmond. In her anger she ordered Fitzwilliam 'to proclaim him traitor and to proceed against him with all celerity'. And now the object of the Queen's anger rode unsuspectingly into their presence.\n\nThe Desmonds were met with an icy reception in Dublin. Stung into action by the Queen, the members of the Council made little  attempt to hide their antipathy towards Garrett and their distrust of Essex. The latter was not permitted to accompany Garrett into the council chamber or to plead in favour of his case. Outside Eleanor waited anxiously for the outcome and hoped that her headstrong husband would restrain his temper and not play into the hands of his antagonists. But the councillors were not in a placatory mood and summarily demanded that the earl abide by the articles he had concluded with the Queen in England. Garrett contended that they had been signed under duress, but that he would agree to be bound by them as part of a more general settlement; otherwise the terms of the articles would, in effect, render him the only undefended lord in the country and thus easy prey to his many enemies. Goaded by the overbearing attitude of his inquisitors, he refused to hold his estates at the Crown's pleasure or to forfeit those of his castles which it had seized before his restoration. He would accept the Queen's pardon, but would not on any account 'repair into England to be a spectacle of poverty to all the world' in order to receive it. Asked to submit pledges for his future conduct, Garrett pointed out that both his son and his youngest brother, James, still a minor, were in the keeping of the Crown. 'If neither my son, being my only son, nor my brother, whom I love, nor the possession of mine inheritance, as before granted can suffice,' he bitterly told his tormentors, 'then to the justice of God and the Queen I appeal upon you all.' But his appeal fell on deaf ears.\n\nIn the Council's opinion, the Earl of Desmond was not in any position to make demands, but should be prepared to accept whatever decision regarding his future they deemed appropriate. Temporarily in the Council's power but also under Essex's protection, Garrett reacted quickly when rumours of his impending imprisonment and removal to London reached his ears. Flight from Dublin was now imperative, and he called on Essex and Kildare to honour their pledges of protection. Essex was disgusted at the nature of the Council's proceedings against the Earl of Desmond. 'The manner of Desmond's answer might with honour have suffered a toleration,' he protested. 'The mischief is without remedy, for I am bound with the Earl of Kildare, by our words and honours, to safe-conduct Desmond to the confines of Munster.' Essex was as good as his word, and, despite some resistance, he and the Earl of Kildare conducted Garrett and Eleanor safely away from Dublin and out of the clutches of the Council.\n\nThroughout the long journey towards Munster Garrett's companions continued to exhort him to comply with the Queen's demands. At Kilkenny they were joined by the Earl of Ormond, who, carefully making sure that Essex was within earshot, loudly harangued Garrett, urging him to mend his ways and become a loyal subject. Antagonised by the presence of his enemy, and as the safety of his lordship drew near, Garrett grew more reckless and sneered contemptuously at Ormond's advice. Let the loyal Earl of Ormond dispose of his private army, and he, Desmond, would do likewise, but not before. At the borders of Desmond Eleanor and Garrett parted with their escort and, surrounded by their own clansmen, returned to Askeaton. From Eleanor's point of view the mission had been an abject failure. The Crown continued to make impossible demands on her husband, demands which not only would leave him undefended but would also be opposed by his dependent lords and clansmen in Munster whose own security was dependent on the strength of their overlord. The Queen persisted in her personal dislike and distrust of him. There were elements in Desmond too who welcomed Garrett's further alienation from the Crown for their own designs. Eleanor had sought to attain the middle ground for her husband but, so far, without success.\n\nWith the Queen's threat of being proclaimed a rebel hanging over his head, Garrett summoned a meeting of his kinsmen and tributary lords at Askeaton. It was as a result of this conference that the famous 'combination' or deed of association was compiled\u2014though the date of this document was to be hotly disputed in later years. According to one version of events, the deed was signed on 18 July 1574, while another version places it exactly four years later, in 1578. Even if (as seems likely) the latter date is correct, the language of the document graphically reflects the unsettled conditions in Munster and the truculent mood of its principal leaders at the time of Garrett's return from Dublin. The signatories to the deed stated bluntly that they 'with one accorde doe counsell and advise the Earle not to consent nor yield to any more than in his answer [to the Council in Dublin]'. They further advised him 'to defend himself from the violens of the Lord Deputy' and forewarned the Crown that they intended 'aiding, helping and assisting the Earl to maintain and defend this our advice against the Lord Deputy or any other that will covet the Earl's inheritance'.\n\nThe document unequivocally states the reasons which compelled Garrett and his adherents to undertake such a course of action. They did not stem from any great desire to remove or replace the English presence in Ireland, nor from any intention to join in an international conspiracy against Elizabeth. They arose from a basic and distinct desire to preserve their hereditary lands, powers and privileges. The deed of association was signed by Sir John of Desmond and by nineteen of Garrett's liege lords and kinsmen. Noticeably absent was the name of James FitzMaurice FitzGerald. However, the problems of dating the document make it difficult to determine the reason for FitzMaurice's non-participation; it may have resulted from a decision to distance himself from any movement which did not further his own designs in 1574 or, as is more likely, to his absence on the continent, if the deed was dated in 1578. The intentions of Garrett and his adherents were soon brought to the attention of the irate Queen. The aspirations of the Munster lords and chieftains, however legitimate, were deemed by the Queen a deliberate affront to her sovereignty. She was furious to learn of Garrett's permitted departure from Dublin Castle and again vented her anger on the unfortunate Fitzwilliam. 'We gave you no such authority', she wrote, 'to give a protection to him to come and go but to come safe and receive his pardon.' The earl it seems might be given safe conduct to the Castle but not out of it. The intolerable situation drove the angry sovereign to try to bribe Sir John with a promise of some part of his brother's lands, even extending her offer to James FitzMaurice 'or any other of the leaders of his confederates, alluring them from him by such offers as seem reasonable'.\n\nEleanor's distrust of Sir John and FitzMaurice, and her suspicions concerning their designs on her husband's patrimony, were further heightened by the Queen's offer. This, combined with the fear of her husband being proclaimed a rebel, prompted Eleanor and her husband to take the unusual and later controversial step of enfeoffing Garrett's estates to Eleanor's brother, Lord Dunboyne, Lord Power and John FitzEdmund FitzGerald of Cloyne, in trust for them during their joint lives 'with provision for his daughters and final remainder to his son'. They intended to make Garrett's property legally secure from both the Crown and family rivals, so that it could eventually be passed on to their son, who, should his father die proclaimed a rebel, would otherwise forfeit his right to inherit. The document was later to be no  more than a paper defence, however, against the steely intent of the Crown to gain possession of the vast Desmond estates.\n\nMeanwhile the Earl of Ormond was seeking an explanation for the seizure by Desmond partisans of his castle of Derrinlaur on the Suir. Garrett refused to answer. In August Black Tom, with the backing of Lord Deputy Fitzwilliam, took matters into his own hands. They surrounded the castle and ran a mine beneath the walls. Before they could spring it the garrison attempted to escape but were intercepted, put to the sword and the castle captured. Fearful that similar tactics might be used against his own castles, Garrett surrendered the disputed Castlemaine to the Queen. Eleanor followed her husband's action with a personal letter to Elizabeth. She assured the Queen that her 'husband's departure from Dublin procedid not (God I take to witness) through any evill intencion towards yor Matie or dignitie but rather incencid by ungodly disturbers of the comon tranquillitie to conceave otherwise of your worthy honor than he had cause'. She excused her long delay in answering previous letters from the Queen on the grounds that 'I durst not untyll nowe, that he hath both hastely repentid and duetifully performid suche things as was required by yr Matie Deputie and Councell of him, ones oppen my lyppes nor put penn to paper to intreat for your highnes mercifull clemency for him.' In view of her husband's submission, Eleanor asked the Queen 'to restore him unto favour'.\n\nEleanor's appeal and Garrett's submission had the desired effect. Weary of the entire episode, the Queen agreed that the Earl of Desmond 'was in theory to reign supreme as a feudal prince and be a loyal subject'. But independent feudal princes were an anachronism to the Tudor mind and to their concept of royal absolutism. The Earl of Desmond, on the other hand, would not\u2014and indeed could not\u2014abandon the role in Munster which was his fateful inheritance. There could, however, be only one winner in the struggle, and from the beginning the odds appeared to be decidedly in favour of the Tudor queen. Garrett's fate and fortune depended on how quickly and astutely he could make the transition while retaining as much of his hereditary power as the changed political circumstances allowed.\n\nEleanor at last breathed a little easier. The threat of proclamation and attainder had receded. Elizabeth had not pushed Garrett beyond his limits. Her relief was further heightened in March 1575 when James FitzMaurice, together with his family and some other members  of the Munster Geraldines, sailed from Glin for Saint-Malo in France. FitzMaurice departed ostensibly 'for the recovery of his health and to make friendship to come to the Queen's favour'. In fact it was common knowledge that he sought international assistance to continue his religious campaign in Ireland. Whether he had Garrett's consent and blessing for this undertaking is uncertain, but it does not seem likely. For Garrett, at Eleanor's insistence, had refused to give FitzMaurice additional land in Munster as a reward for his services. Thomas Russell, the Desmond historian and an ardent supporter of FitzMaurice, writing later in 1638, blamed Eleanor for FitzMaurice's exile:\n\n_For Dame Elleynor Butler, Countess of Desmond, and then the mother of one only sonne, opposed herselfe against this James FitzMaurice and with reasons, persuasions, teares and imploreings, persuaded the Earle, her husband, not to dismember his patrimony, but rather for to leave it whole and entire to his only son James FitzGarrett, who was then a young child_.\n\nRussell propounded the belief that Garrett was either, as he states, 'conjured by his wife or rather not well established in his witts' to deny FitzMaurice an estate.\n\nEleanor saw little reason to deprive her son of any part of his inheritance, particularly for FitzMaurice. She wanted her son returned to her care, and her husband's future conduct must not jeopardise that possibility. Consequently when Garrett's kinsman and ally, the Earl of Kildare, was suspected of intrigue against the Crown and imprisoned, and when it was expected that 'Desmond will make extraordinary broils to revenge him', Garrett, with Eleanor's restraining hand on his sword and on his lips, did and said nothing. Their son James was now four years old, and her longing to be reunited with him was intense. But still more intense was Eleanor's determination to protect his inheritance from the grasping ambitions of her husband's family. With Garrett reinstated in his lordship and with James FitzMaurice in exile, Askeaton seemed at last a safe haven for the young heir of Desmond. Garrett and Eleanor opened negotiations with the English government for the child's return. Initially it seemed that their request was to be granted, as James was brought from London to Bristol, where he was placed in the care of a Thomas Chester. With some  impatience, Garrett asked the Earl of Leicester to intervene and to obtain a licence 'to have the child brought hither, where', he assured him, 'he will not put Her Majesty or me to any charge until he be able to go to school, at which time I will return him thither'. But the English Privy Council, pending further 'trial and proof of his [Garrett's] obedience and good conformity', ordered that the child continue to be detained in Bristol.\n\nDespite the temporary setback concerning her son's return, Eleanor's hopes for a more balanced treatment of her husband by the English administration in Ireland and at the English court were further heightened in the late summer of 1575 by the news of the reappointment of Sir Henry Sidney as Lord Deputy of Ireland. Sidney generally tended to take Garrett's side at Court and in the Council in Dublin in an attempt to balance the inordinate influence and power of the Earl of Ormond. In Sidney's opinion, Black Tom had become, by virtue of the Queen's preference of him at Desmond's expense, too powerful a subject and a threat to the balance of power in Munster. At last it appeared that Eleanor could look forward in hope of better prospects.\nChapter 6\n\nDiplomacy and Intrigue\n\n_I vow to God . . . I know her to bee as wicked a_\n\n_woman as ever was bred in Ireland and one that_\n\n_hath ben the chief instrument of her husband's_\n\n_rebellion. And if she bee licensed to go out, your_\n\n_lordship shall doo as good an act as ever you did_\n\n_in your life to this realme to cause hir hed to be_\n\n_stroken of or else to be kept in perpetuall_\n\n_ymprisonment._\n\nSIR WARHAM ST LEGER TO LORD BURGHLEY, 15 MAY 1581\n\nAtimorous peace descended on Munster. The acrimonious struggle for power had temporarily exhausted both sides. Desmond retreated to Askeaton to lick his wounds and consolidate his position. The Dublin administration, under the leadership of Fitzwilliam, appeared as exhausted as the country it had attempted to subdue. Harassed by an unending series of disorders, wearied by a constant stream of abuse from an uncomprehending sovereign, and hampered by a continuous shortage of money and supplies, Fitzwilliam gladly resigned, and in September 1575 Sir Henry Sidney reluctantly resumed the reins of office.\n\nAlthough overtly the Crown had accomplished little in the lordships of either Desmond or Ormond since the incident at Affane, English policy towards Ireland had, nonetheless, undergone radical change. Until Affane Elizabeth had been content to tolerate the independent tendencies of her Irish earls. As late as 1565 her chief secretary, Sir William Cecil, had cautioned the then Lord Justice of Ireland 'to stir no sleeping dogs in Ireland untill a staff be provided to chastin them if they will byte. Many things in common weales are suffered that are not liked.' But the sleeping dogs had been roused  and strained at the reforming leash of the Crown, which searched frantically for a suitable stick with which to control them. It could be the olive branch of submission and loyalty or the sharp, prickly thorn of confrontation. Ormond had chosen the first option, and, while Desmond had initially inclined towards the latter, he had been given a chance to choose again.\n\nThe English government had changed its earlier wait-and-see policy towards Ireland and had embarked on the difficult road of reconquest. The change of policy stemmed from various reasons. Over the decade Ireland had become a major drain on Crown revenue. Official expenditure had soared from \u00a318,975 in the 1560s to \u00a331,847 in the 1570s, which, even taking the inflation of the day into account, was more than the state coffers could afford or the parsimonious Elizabeth would tolerate. Furthermore developments in international politics also demanded more positive action. The threat of foreign intervention in Ireland by England's continental enemies and its menacing potential as a backdoor to England, haunted English minds. The revolt by James FitzMaurice and his flirtations with a wider international conspiracy which sought 'to use religion as a catalyst to make a common cause of local grievances', had frightened the English government. FitzMaurice's continued contacts with the French, Spanish and papal courts did little to allay the fear that Ireland might well become a base for the Counter-Reformation.\n\nThere was further alarm at the prospect of a confederacy between the powerful, independent Irish lords such as Desmond, O'Neill and the Earl of Kildare. If such a confederacy received foreign support, it could well extend throughout the country and attract the Catholic lords of the Pale, already embroiled in a bitter dispute with the Crown over the payment of cess. And there were other interests which would welcome a more vigorous assertion of English rule in Ireland. While Elizabeth might chastise her officials for the disorderly state of the country and the enormous expense of reconquest, English financial investors in the various colonisation ventures felt positively defrauded. Furthermore, royal administrators, like Sidney, Fitzwilliam and Perrot, who had sacrificed their careers and their health, as they trudged through bogs and over mountains in a thankless attempt to subdue, inch by inch, the rebellious land, felt understandably frustrated. The time for reassessment had come, and in the present lull the Crown took stock.\n\nDespite the continued detention of her son, the next few years were to prove a welcome period of relative tranquillity and normality for Eleanor. Imprisonment, exile, deprivation and loneliness had been her lot as Countess of Desmond. Her moments of happiness with Garrett had been fleeting. They were constantly torn apart by the political maelstrom that raged around them. Yet their union had become strengthened and revitalised. Throughout the years of her life with Garrett, Eleanor's primary concern and _raison d'\u00eatre_ for her every action was to protect her husband's political and physical well-being and to safeguard the Desmond inheritance for their son. With an iron will and fierce physical energy, she braved every threat to those objectives. Time after time, both by virtue of her letters and personal mediation, she demonstrated her undoubted intelligence and political acumen as she interceded for her husband when he spoke treason too loudly or was suspected of some ill-advised conspiracy. Almost every letter from Garrett to the Queen or to the Privy Council was accompanied by a letter from Eleanor, moderating the more arrogant tones of her husband or seeking to dissuade the Crown from forcing him into an impossible position. She was his adviser during negotiations with government officials, and her restraining hand held him in check while, with the other hand, she strove to keep the English administration at bay.\n\nEleanor understood better than anyone and was witness to the tremendous pressures exerted on her husband from all directions\u2014pressure from the Gaelic lords of Munster, who expected him to observe and protect their customs and privileges; the self-inflicted pressure imposed by his inordinate sense of position and lineage; and pressure from the English Crown, the most potent threat that had emerged to undermine his prized inherited powers, assiduously guarded by his ancestors for generations. Garrett looked to his wife to share the burden that seemed at times likely to overwhelm him. In the whirlpool of intrigue and subterfuge that swirled around him, hers was the voice of calm and reason, the one voice he could trust. Imprisonment he held in fearful dread, a nightmare to which he would never again submit as long as he lived. Eleanor well realised that if the Crown, for any reason, attempted to deprive him of his liberty, the effect would be to make a rebel of her husband. This she sought desperately to avoid. Lords who rebelled against the Tudors seldom emerged victorious, and, as witnessed by Shane O'Neill's fate in Ulster,  upon their demise their inheritance was forfeited. Eleanor endeavoured her utmost to prevent a similar occurrence happening to her husband.\n\nRespite from the turmoil and trauma of the preceding decade also afforded her time to enjoy the more personal pleasures pertaining to her position as Countess of Desmond. In the shady, tree-lined walks among the gardens and orchards that surrounded Askeaton castle, she resumed some semblance of a normal lifestyle. During the preceding unquiet years her daughters, fostered among close relatives and friends, were now reunited with their parents. Their number was increased by the birth of another daughter, Ellen. Askeaton reverberated with the happy sound of its Geraldine family in residence again after many years of absence and exile. In the splendid fifteenth-century hall, on the west side of the castle, lighted by the famous traceried windows, the Earl and Countess of Desmond presided over more joyful festivities than Askeaton had known for some time. The great hall vibrated to the warm, noisy clangour of Gaelic hospitality. The earl welcomed his many followers to his table, not merely out of hospitality, but also because in Gaelic Ireland, where 'every Irish overlord held sway over people rather than territory', a lord's prestige and power was measured by the number of his liegemen. While the English Crown might rant and rave over the existence and extent of the Earl of Desmond's personal army, the reality in Gaelic Munster decreed that without it the earl's power and ability to rule was compromised.\n\nWithout his army, the earl, in effect, forfeited his ability to protect himself and his dependants, the primary function of his role as Gaelic overlord. But the actual upkeep of his army was the duty of his overburdened and overtaxed peasantry whose plight, both in the Gaelic and anglicised parts of the country, was deplorable. Overlords were demanding and harsh masters. They showed little mercy, and little was expected from them. The peasantry bore the brunt of their master's excesses, both in war and in peace, with a blind obedience. If hatred towards Garrett and his house surfaced in their hearts, it was quickly subdued. As their earl and countess, dressed in silken finery, rode past their cabins, they briefly left the plough or the reaping-hook to raise the loyal shout of 'Shanid ab\u00fa!' with a mixture of pride and fear instilled in them for generations.\n\nThe long summer days were spent hunting, following the swift red deer over the plains of Limerick and Cork and into the dark forests  of oak and ash. The evening silence was punctuated by the tolling of the prayer-bell from across the Deel, as the monks from the Franciscan abbey intoned their Te Deums over the bones of dead generations of Geraldines. And in his travels, just as the sovereign Elizabeth in England was wont to quarter herself on her subject lords, so the Earl of Desmond exercised similar but more ancient rights within his lordship. When he went to Tralee to collect his dues and rents, a fair was held to honour his presence. It was attended by travelling merchants and traders who sold their wares and paid taxes to the earl for the privilege. The mayors of Cork, Youghal and Limerick, over whom he claimed suzerainty, put on a brave show, opened their gates, displayed banners of welcome, entertained their lord lavishly, and breathed a sigh of relief and counted the cost when his official visit terminated. The earl presided over the palatine courts of Tralee and Any, appointed court officers, and was the ultimate arbiter in all judicial proceedings within the palatinate, dispensing justice by Gaelic law intermixed with elements of feudal law. Ships from Spain and France kept him in touch with developments abroad and also kept him provided with fine furnishings, wines for his table, and silk, taffeta and velvet for his and his countess's wardrobe. Whispers of more serious transactions reached Desmond from time to time. Spies in the earl's pay brought reports of FitzMaurice's travels to the French, Spanish and papal courts in search of assistance to raise the banner of crusade once again over Munster. But the threat which sought to shatter the tranquillity, that like a soothing salve had almost healed the painful sores of the previous years was, as yet, far removed.\n\nAs if to augur a continuation of the peaceful respite, Lord Deputy Sidney embarked on 'a mission of inquiry, conciliation, and administrative settlement'. In response, the Earl and Countess of Desmond greeted him at Dungarvan and offered to conduct him through Munster. Despite their differences at their last meeting, which had resulted in Garrett's long imprisonment in England, Eleanor knew that Sidney's antagonism towards the Earl of Ormond could be made work in her husband's favour. She was also determined that Sidney should recognise that Garrett was the premier lord in Munster, with as much authority, and as capable to rule his palatinate, as the supposedly loyal Earl of Ormond. Sidney was suitably impressed. In a spirit of friendship and cordiality the earl and countess escorted him into Cork  city, where they were received by the citizens, as Sidney duly reported, 'with all joyfulness, tokens and shows, the best they could express'. Eleanor's brother, Lord Dunboyne, joined their party at Cork, together with Garrett's brothers, Sir John and Sir James, who had lately been freed from captivity in England.\n\nFollowing the Earl of Desmond's lead, the Munster nobility assembled to attend the Lord Deputy. Thither came, as Sidney related, the chieftains of the three branches of the great MacCarthy clan: 'The Earl of Clancar, by the Irish styled MacCarthy More, was accompanied by his countess, the sister of the Earl of Desmond, and his infant children, the Baron of Valentia and the Lady Ellen. . . . The Lord of Muskerry, the wealthiest chieftain of the sept . . . and the Lord of the fertile lands of Carbery, Sir Donagh MacCarthy Reagh . . . accompanied by his two sons, Florence and Dermod Moyle.' They were joined by the Earl of Thomond, the Archbishop of Cashel, the Bishop of Cork, the viscounts Barry and Roche and the Baron of Lixnaw. To this glittering array of Munster aristocracy were added Gaelic chieftains, O'Sullivan, O'Callaghan, O'Donoghue and O'Driscoll. As a further manifestation of Gaelic custom, Sidney received the five MacSheehy captains of the Desmond galloglass, bound in hereditary allegiance to their Geraldine overlord, though, as Sidney astutely observed, their status was hardly that of subordinates, 'the greatest being both in fear of them and glad of their friendship'. And there too, as he gallantly reported to the English Privy Council, 'the better to furnish the beauty and filling of the city, all the principal lords had with them their wives during all the Christmas who truly kept very honourable, at least plentiful, houses'. Sidney concluded his account by pointing out, perhaps as an incentive to widowers and bachelors in England; 'to be brief many widow ladies were there also, who erst had been wives to earls and others of good note and account.'\n\nIt was a great social event, and, as such, a rarity in the troubled times, a bright and joyful occasion, on the surface at least, as the interrelated Munster aristocracy mingled under the watchful but, for the moment, benign gaze of the English Lord Deputy. For Eleanor it was an opportunity to meet and exchange news with her sister, brother, half-brother, nieces and nephews and her many other relatives among the assembled nobility. It was Christmas time, and the festive season was lavishly celebrated. As principal lady of the  province, Eleanor entertained Sidney, his entourage and the Gaelic nobility and hosted banquets in their honour. The wine flowed freely, and the music was loud and merry as English and Gael celebrated the festive season of 1575.\n\nAlongside the gaiety and pageantry, however, lay the hard political realities. Eleanor captured the Lord Deputy's ear to spell out the pressures to which her husband was being subjected. She entreated Sidney to show patience and forbearance and promised to encourage her husband along the path of loyalty. But she also reminded him that Garrett's encounters with the Crown had, so far, done little to inspire his trust and obedience. Surrounded as he was by the trappings of the Gaelic world of which she spoke, Sidney could not fail to appreciate her dilemma, and accordingly spoke with friendliness and encouragement to her husband.\n\nBut neither did Sidney allow the festivities to deter him from his duties. In the new year he set about the more serious business of his office. He presided over the court in Cork and heard civil cases tried by English law. He undertook an inspection tour of the city's defences and made provisions for their improvement and upkeep. On 1 February 1576, accompanied by Eleanor and Garrett, he departed for Limerick, where they received a reception equally as hospitable from the mayor and citizens. The only ominous note struck by the Lord Deputy during his tour of Munster was to recommend a speedy appointment to the vacant post of President of Munster. He prophesied the return of James FitzMaurice and warned the Privy Council 'that all the loose people of this province will flock unto him. Yea,' he continued, drawing on the knowledge he had gleaned from his talks with Eleanor, 'the lords, though they would do their best, shall not be able to keep them from him.'\n\nAfter Limerick, Eleanor and Garrett parted company with the Lord Deputy, as he continued on his journey into Connaught. They returned home to Askeaton, where life continued in relative peace. Garrett saw to his vast estates, collected his rents, and exercised his customary privileges as overlord. To reiterate his palatine privilege and to stem any doubt in the minds of his tributary lords in the wake of Sidney's visit, he summarily ordered the Baron of Lixnaw and the freeholders of Clanmorris to attend at his palatine court at Tralee. In his own country the Earl of Desmond's power must still be seen as absolute.\n\nDespite Sidney's recommendation, the vacant presidency of Munster was not filled until the summer of 1576, when Sir William Drury was appointed second president of the province. A native of Suffolk Drury had previously been governor of Berwick. He had a distinguished military career, both by land and sea, in England and on the continent. From nearby Askeaton the Earl of Desmond anxiously watched the build-up of English military might as Drury established his headquarters at nearby Limerick and embarked on his presidency in a way that was bound to bring him into collision with the uneasy earl. Drury wrote enthusiastically to the Privy Council: 'I began the assizes in Cork,' he reported, 'where I hanged to the number of 42. Of which some were notable malefactors, one pressed [i.e. pressed to death] and two gentlemen of the chief of the MacSweeneys hanged drawn and quartered.' Drury next turned his attention to the lordship of the Earl of Desmond. He was determined to curtail the influence and power of the earl, which he reckoned was a threat to his position as President. In order to compel the earl to reduce his army, which far outnumbered his own, he compiled a register of the earl's followers, for whose future conduct he held the earl personally responsible. He next attempted to extract cess, in money and in kind, from the earl's tenants in order to defray the expenses of his office. The earl bristled with anger at Drury's blatant attack on his customary rights. Contemptuously ignoring the Lord President, Garrett complained directly to the Privy Council but to little avail.\n\nDrury next struck against the earl's most prized hereditary privilege, his palatine court of Kerry, which had previously been deemed void by the Irish Privy Council. Drury further contended that the palatinate had become the refuge of all the 'evil-doers' of Munster and proposed 'to make a passage for law and justice to be there exercised', as he considered 'that it would not be safe among a great flocke to leave a scabbed sheepe nor good for a commonwealth to have nurseries for sinne'. Drury started out for Tralee with the intention to establish Crown courts to prosecute offenders by English instead of Desmond law. But the 'scabbed sheepe' of Drury's despatches called out his army and barred the Lord President's way. Drury reported to the government that Desmond had declared war on the Crown.\n\nA direct confrontation, and one that was likely to have far more serious implications for Garrett than even Affane, seemed inevitable as the two forces formed battle-lines. If Garrett attacked or was  drawn into battle he could expect to be proclaimed for treason, with dire consequences for himself, his lordship and his family. Eleanor swiftly interceded with Drury. A contemporary observer somewhat melodramatically reported:\n\n_Like a good Abigaell [she] went and met the lord president, fell upon hir knees, held up hir hands and with trilling teares praied his lordships patience and pardon, excusing as well she could hir husband's follie, saying that he had assembled all that companie onelie for a generall hunting_.\n\nWhile the lady's excuse was somewhat thin, considering the superiority of the earl's forces, Drury accepted the countess's version of events but nevertheless proceeded to Tralee. With great difficulty Eleanor restrained Garrett from attacking him.\n\nDrury was merely one of the ever-increasing band of 'unattractive outsiders, arrogant and ruthless men whose system threatened a wide spectrum of the existing society, from the learned class, the jurists, poets, and musicians to the men of war'. To the proud Earl of Desmond, the great, gaelicised lord of Munster, Drury was but a servant, a hireling, one of the contemptible 'English churls' of inferior degree. But Eleanor realised that Drury and his kind were merely a symptom and a symbol of the new English political attitude that had evolved towards Ireland. No matter how disdainfully the Earl of Desmond might regard him neither Drury, nor the policies he pursued in the name of the Crown, would go away. If Drury failed in his mission in Ireland, there were a hundred more to take up where he left off\u2014and perhaps with even more ruthless intent.\n\nIn Connaught the Burkes strained against the severe rule of the new military governor, Sir Nicholas Malby. Drury received reports that Sir John of Desmond had incited the Burkes to rebel and promptly had him apprehended. When rumours reached Askeaton that Drury intended to arrest the earl as well, faced with the dreaded nightmare of detention, Garrett fled with Eleanor and their children into the furthermost part of Kerry. It was significant that rumours of Garrett's impending arrest had emanated from London, where Black Tom's influence at Court was as strong as ever. Garrett's flight and his point-blank refusal to obey the President of Munster or the Lord Deputy could only serve to alienate him further from the Crown. It  was also to Black Tom's advantage that Garrett's reaction would serve to keep Drury fully-occupied in Desmond and leave him less time to pry into the state of affairs in his lordship of Ormond.\n\nProfessing his life to be in danger, the Earl of Desmond sounded the age-old call to arms. Soon over a thousand adherents flocked to his defence. Safe within the confines of his palatinate and protected by his hereditary men-at-arms, Garrett boldly announced that no rent or cess would henceforth be forthcoming to the Crown from his lordship. The question of cess had become a vexed issue, particularly in the Pale, where lords Baltinglass, Howth, Delvin and Trimleston had been committed to Dublin Castle when they too voiced their grievances on the subject. While the Queen acknowledged that the system required some measure of adjustment, she was indignant that such normally compliant lords should so boldly challenge her royal prerogative. By his pronouncement on the matter Garrett had, whether by design or by accident, linked his grievances with those of the lords of the Pale.\n\nEleanor spent the summer months of 1577 deep within the Kerry fastness, behind mountain, wood and marsh, hidden from Drury, who scoured the countryside in vain. But as summer gave way to autumn she became uneasy that Garrett's continued absence from the centre of his lordship might be usurped by others. She wrote to the Queen and Sidney to propose that it was fear of imprisonment that had caused herself and her husband to flee to safety. But there was no immediate reply to her letters. The Queen continued her policy of favouritism, instructing the Lord Deputy to ensure 'that the Earl of Ormond's landes should be exempt from all cess'. In vain Sidney urged her to reconsider. Her decision would not only result in a decrease in much-needed revenue, but, in the present circumstances, would be seen by the Earl of Desmond as further proof of the Crown's discriminatory policy towards him. Mindful also of the situation in the Pale, Sidney further warned the Queen that it 'was a precedent to others to sue for like immunities'. To placate the earl and to allay Eleanor's fears, Sidney sent messages urging them to repair to either Drury or himself. The English Privy Council further wrote to assure them that the rumours of Garrett's impending imprisonment were totally false. It was instigated, they intimated, 'no doubt by some of your private enemies, that practise and would be glad to draw you into any undutiful action that might purchase unto you Her Majesty's  indignation to the overthrow of your state'. Eleanor concurred with the sentiments expressed and cautioned Garrett against playing into the hands of his enemies and to make his peace with the Crown.\n\nAfter much persuasion Garrett finally agreed to deal with Sidney, who forwarded the necessary letters of protection and arranged for the meeting to take place, significantly, at Kilkenny, the principal seat of the Ormond lordship. At a ceremony in St Canice's cathedral in February 1578 the Earl of Desmond formally submitted to the Lord Deputy. Garrett was in agony from the wound he had received at Affane, and Sidney was taken aback at the apparent deterioration in his physical condition. 'I suppose there is least danger in hym,' he assured the Queen, 'beinge such an impotent and weake boddye, as neither can he gett up on horseback, but that he is helpen and lift up, neither when he is on horsebacke can he hym selfe alight downe without healpe.' Sidney reconciled Eleanor and a reluctant Garrett with Drury and, as he reported, 'made them ffriendes in as good sorte as I could'.\n\nDrury was every bit as reluctant to make peace with Garrett. He privately considered that the Lord Deputy had dealt too leniently with the troublesome earl, who, to Drury's mind, was the single greatest obstacle to peace and order in Munster. He was convinced that Sir John of Desmond, with the earl's consent, had conspired with the Burkes to incite the most recent rebellion in Connaught. His opinion was further strengthened when rumours circulated of a marriage between Lady Mary Burke, the daughter of the Earl of Clanrickard, and Sir John. He suspected that the Earl of Desmond and Sir John were also in collusion with James FitzMaurice in his endeavours to elicit help from England's enemies abroad. Sidney, on the other hand, sought to portray Garrett 'as the least dangerous man of iv or v of these that are next hym in right and succession (if he were gonne) and easieth to be dealt withall'. Perhaps his critic and his erstwhile mentor both failed to consider the passionate tradition of birthright, obligation and privilege invested in the feeble body of the Earl of Desmond, a tradition which, if unleashed, could elevate the weak and indecisive earl into a noble and mighty warrior. But in February 1578, as Sidney watched Desmond, grimacing in pain, being lifted off his horse, he could not be blamed for dismissing such a possibility.\n\nWith another confrontation narrowly avoided, Eleanor felt a sense of relief at the outcome of their meeting with Sidney. She ministered to Garrett's physical ailments which, despite his relatively young age,  had incapacitated him greatly. For as well as the discomfort and pain he suffered from the aggravated thigh wound, the earl was showing early signs of palsy, which was to develop over the succeeding years. But with incursions by the Lord President into his preserve momentarily halted, Garrett now had time to recuperate. All the signs augured well for a continuation of peace and the right environment for the earl to make a slow but steady adjustment to the changed political situation. The Queen too seemed affected by the air of reconciliation that had emerged. She wrote in friendly tones to Eleanor in appreciation of her\n\n_good travail with your husband, to remove from him this vain fear of his apprehension and to leave off his number of followers. So have you declareth yourself no less wise and loving towards your husband for the preservation of his estate, which might easily have been utterly ruined if he had not by your good means been brought to the said submission._\n\nSidney maintained a steady hand on the tiller of government in Ireland, and Garrett and Drury continued an outward show of harmony in Munster. As further proof of his loyal intent, Garrett delivered into the Lord President's custody certain malefactors who had recently committed crimes within his lordship. Among them was the 'most notorious woman in all the coasts of Ireland', the female sea-captain and leader, Grace O'Malley (Granuaile) from Connaught. The earl's soldiers had captured this extraordinary woman as she led a raiding party from her ship in search of booty in Thomond. Drury communicated news of her capture and imprisonment to Sidney:\n\n_Grany O'Mayle, a woman that hath impudently passed the part of womanhood and been a great spoiler and chief commander and director of thieves and murderers at sea to spoille this province, having been apprehended by the Earle of Desmond . . . his Lordship hath now sent her to Lymrick where she remains in safe keeping._\n\nWhatever part, if any, Eleanor played in yielding up the 'famous female sea-captain' to the Crown is not recorded, and her opinion and reaction to her husband's remarkable hostage is open to conjecture. She had doubtless heard tales of her exploits and extraordinary  lifestyle as a sea-trader, pirate and mercenary. While pirates were numerous off the south and west coasts in sixteenth-century Ireland, a woman pirate of the calibre of Grace O'Malley was both a phenomenon and worthy hostage. Compassion for a woman's plight or a feeling of sisterhood did not concern Eleanor so long as the capture and handing over of Grace O'Malley served as a means to pacify the Crown and protect her husband and her family.\n\nDespite the continued peaceful overtures, ominous storm-clouds began to gather on the horizon. In summer 1578 rumours came flying across the seas, propelled by emissaries from the papal and Spanish courts, that James FitzMaurice, suitably equipped, was homeward bound to raise the banner of crusade aloft over Munster. Messengers also brought despatches to Garrett and to the Munster lords to advise them that FitzMaurice not only requested but expected their support and readiness to lead their followers behind the 'banner of Christ'. James FitzMaurice was coming with enough gold and arms from Christ's vicar on earth to persuade any doubting Catholic mind. Eleanor's nightmare was fast becoming a reality. The cursory truce between Garrett and Drury also seemed destined to end with the recall in September of Lord Deputy Sidney, the sole buffer between Garrett and the more ruthless and grasping elements of the Crown. Drury was subsequently sworn in as Lord Justice in his place.\n\nEleanor and Garrett journeyed to Dublin to take their leave of Sir Henry Sidney. On 12 September 1578, as the tide lapped the city walls at Wood Quay, with much trepidation and some sadness, Eleanor watched Sidney's departure from Ireland for the last time. Sidney, perhaps better than most, had come to understand their great dilemma and whenever possible had made allowances in his dealings with her husband. Undoubtedly a loyal and often ruthless official, Sidney also possessed rare qualities often lacking in his contemporaries in the Irish service. Eleanor knew that many of her husband's treasonable outbursts and actions had never been reported by him to Court. He had shielded them from the arrogant petty Crown officials in Dublin. His personal and political antipathy towards the Ormond clique at court had, to a degree, worked to their advantage. There was a basic honesty and integrity about Sidney in his dealings with them. While ever the devoted servant of the Crown, and in no way prepared to tolerate the Earl of Desmond's inclination to rule as an independent magnate, he was nevertheless willing to allow  him the space to adjust to the unpalatable but obligatory transition. As the ship slipped anchor and sailed away into the wide estuary of Dublin bay, Eleanor perhaps realised that with it went her hope for a peaceful resolution to their situation.\n\nRumours of an impending invasion intensified, and Eleanor wrote directly to the Queen to assure her of Garrett's continuing loyalty, declaring that he 'standeth as safe and sure a subject to her Matie and will be as ready to spend himself and all he hath in her Maties quarrell as any within the Realme'. She also asked the Queen to have her son returned to her. Elizabeth promised to look into the matter. Eleanor sent the Queen 'as a token of my good will half duzen marten skins whereof I praye you some to take in good worth'. To reciprocate the gesture, the Queen sent Eleanor a fashionable gown. Perhaps it was the self-same gown that Eleanor wore, to the admiration and envy of all, when she and Garrett presided at a banquet in Limerick held in honour of the newly-appointed Lord Justice. The atmosphere was cordial and the earl and Drury appeared on friendly terms. Drury reported of their meeting: 'We won the Earl and Countess of Desmond to agree to and subscribe to a compositon for the alteration of their wonted manner of coyne and livery and the converting thereof into a yearly rent of \u00a32,000.' Eleanor had persuaded her husband to relinquish the coyne and livery exactions, a privilege which was also a hallmark of his power and thus had brought him more than half way to meet the demands of the Crown. She now looked for some reciprocal sign. In relinquishing his ancient rights Garrett must not be seen to lose face and risk losing authority in Munster.\n\nThe Queen seemed eager to maintain and encourage the Earl of Desmond in his new-found loyalty. She wrote to both Garrett and Eleanor to assure them that 'it was never our meaninge (as by some hathe been most unjustlie and maliciouslie given out) to dispossesse our subjects of our saide realme of their livinges.' On the contrary, her intention, she maintained, was to see them live in peace and justice 'whiche, if it hathe not been in our ministers there, whom we wilbe as ready to punishe with all severity, if they may be justlie convicted of that faulte'. In a personal message to Eleanor, Elizabeth again thanked her for her good advice to her husband and promised that she would 'find Us your good and gratyous lady when said occasion shall faule out wherein We may shewe you the proofe of our good meaning towards you'. As a token of her appreciation the Queen despatched  to Lord Chancellor Gerrard of the Irish Privy Council 'a gowne of clothe of gold' for Eleanor. The Chancellor, however, postponed the delivery of the gown until his meeting with the Earl of Desmond, when he personally placed it in Eleanor's hands with the express purpose, as he wrote, 'by her help to have gotten the better end for the worth'. There were no free gifts forthcoming from the Crown.\n\nElizabeth, however, kept her promise and, early in 1579, Eleanor was reunited with her son. Almost six years had elapsed since she had seen James. Weak from birth, the years in custodial care in England had not improved his health. His English apparel, accent and outlook made him seem strange and different to his sisters who clustered around in wonderment at their strange, timid, brother. The restoration of the Desmond heir caused a stir among the Desmond tributary lords and chieftains, not least the earl's brothers, who saw in the child the demise of their own ambitions to the earldom. Like a stormy petrel, Eleanor's young son appeared as the harbinger of the great tempest that was about to break.\n\nFor on 18 July 1579 the peace of Munster was shattered by a holy thunderclap that reverberated off the high mountain peaks of Kerry and sent shock-waves careering across the country to frighten the Council in Dublin and stir Elizabeth and her government into action. James FitzMaurice FitzGerald, with a fleet of small ships, an army of 600 soldiers of Italian, Spanish, French, Portuguese, English and Irish origin, a quantity of arms and ammunition, a papal legate, a Spanish friar and a banner blessed by the Pope, landed at Smerwick harbour, and made their headquarters at the old fort of D\u00fan an \u00d3ir. The banner was a significant feature of the enterprise. It bore the personal arms of FitzMaurice, with the motto 'In omni tribulatione et angustia spes Jesu et Maria'. The small force was the net result of years of solicitation and exaggeration by FitzMaurice at the royal courts of Europe. But the royal heads of Europe, while they applauded the crusading zeal of the Irish chieftain, were less enthusiastic to back him financially. In Rome FitzMaurice met the English Jesuit Dr Nicholas Sanders, who not only helped him elicit the meagre support from the Pope which had made landfall at D\u00fan an \u00d3ir, but offered to accompany the expedition to Ireland.\n\nSanders had a reputation as 'a cold humourless unbending zealot'. A former professor of theology at the Catholic university of Louvain, he was the author of an abrasively bitter but highly erudite and influential anti-Reformation tract. In the years before his appointment  as papal legate to Ireland he had travelled widely and had access to and the respect of the Catholic princes of Europe. He was a tireless worker with a burning religious faith and an equally burning hatred for all the Reformation represented. He saw in FitzMaurice and his mission in Ireland the means to put his counter-Reformation energy and enthusiasm into action. With a fierce determination and an absolute dedication to his principles, he turned his back on the serenity and security of Rome and willingly accepted the hardship of his Irish mission. Under his influence FitzMaurice declared his cause to be 'a war for the Catholic religion and against a tyrant who refuses to hear Christ speaking by his Vicar'.\n\nBut FitzMaurice had tended to overemphasise the commitment of the Gaelic and gaelicised lords in Ireland to the aims of the Counter-Reformation, and had certainly overestimated the unifying ability of religion in Ireland. The discontent of Irish leaders sprang not from a sense of religious persecution by the English Crown, but from the Crown's endeavours to make Gaelic Ireland conform to English ways and with it a dilution of their power. Real religious persecution was, as yet, some way off and a revolt based on religious grounds alone was thereby unlikely to succeed. To mould their crusade in Ireland into an effective arm of the Counter-Reformation movement, Sanders and FitzMaurice needed 'to make positive revolt out of negative discontent' and thus draw the lords and chieftains of Munster, especially the Earl of Desmond, into their religious net.\n\nUnder the influence of Dr Sanders, FitzMaurice despatched a letter to Garrett urging his support for the banner of Christ and for the restoration of the Catholic faith in Ireland. His exhortation was couched in ominous terms:\n\n_God forbid that any Geraldine should stand in the field against the cross of Christ. I cannot tell what worldly thing would grieve me more than to hear not only that your honour would not assist Christ's banner but also that any other nobleman should prevent you in this glorious attempt. All that I write is spoken also to me good lady, your bedfellow, and to me good uncle, your brothers to all of whom I commend myself and also me bedfellow most heartily doth the like; trusting in Almighty God that as his holiness has made me Captain General of this holy war so your honour being head of my house will be the chief Protector and Patron of them, no less than me quarrel._\n\nThe Pope, FitzMaurice further reminded Garrett and Eleanor, had promised that all who chose to fight under his banner should receive indulgences similar to those granted to those who had fought in the recent war against the Turks.\n\nThe arrival of FitzMaurice and his attempt to involve her husband in a religious crusade had finally turned Eleanor's nightmare into a grim reality. Her years of haggling and bargaining with the Crown to win sufficient time for her husband to adapt to the changing political circumstances seemed destined to be brought to nothing by the religious declamations of the returned exile. On a personal basis, there was little love lost between them, and she suspected that the religious overtones of FitzMaurice's mission to Ireland hid a deeper and more devious intent. She had heard that FitzMaurice had openly declared his aspirations towards the earldom of Desmond during his sojourn on the continent. His crusading banner displayed his personal coat of arms. Her husband was in poor health and daily seemed to grow more incapacitated. Gaelic society, she well realised, had little tolerance for physical weakness in its leaders. Her son was a child of eight years and a long way from his majority and inheritance. The sprawling Desmond lordship needed strong, steady guidance to safeguard it against the pressures being exerted on it by divergent interests.\n\nThe question of religion seemed to Eleanor a cloak to mask more basic motivations. Religion had never been a strong issue in the politics of the day in Ireland. Church property was often the target of attack and seizure by warring Gaelic chiefs, just as it had been, in recent years, by the Crown. Church laws had generally fallen into decline, particularly in relation to social issues such as marriage, where the old Celtic ethos prevailed. FitzMaurice himself was divorced, and numerous other examples among Eleanor's own family and peers bore out the assessment of a modern historian that 'Celtic secular marriage remained the norm in Ireland and Christian matrimony was no more than the rare exception grafted on to this system.' The clergy were as lax in the practice and observance of their faith as the laity. The sacraments were performed haphazardly and many of the monasteries were in a ruinous and decayed condition. The real dilemma posed for Garrett and Eleanor by FitzMaurice's arrival was that, to preserve his status, Garrett, out of necessity more than by desire, might be prevailed upon to join the  rebellion. If defeated he would then be proclaimed a traitor and his estates confiscated. If, on the other hand, the country were to rise in defence of the Catholic religion, and if the rising was successful, then Garrett could not afford to be left out in the cold. The only option was to play for time to determine which way the wind was likely to blow.\n\nGarrett and Eleanor despatched innocuous letters to Lord Justice Drury to inform him of what he already knew, that James FitzMaurice had landed at Dingle. 'If need shall require,' Garrett assured Drury, 'I am ready with all mine to venture both my life and theirs in Her Majesty's quarrel.' Drury was unimpressed. To test the earl's intent he ordered him to accompany an English detachment which was to set up camp some distance from the invasion force. Reluctantly Garrett agreed and with the English reconnoitred FitzMaurice's fortifications at Smerwick. Meanwhile his brothers, Sir John and Sir James, met secretly with FitzMaurice and Dr Sanders. The Geraldine historian Russell, writing in 1631, stated that Sir John actually agreed to join with FitzMaurice at this time, with the sole intention, as Eleanor had long since suspected, of deposing his brother. Russell further maintained that Sir John was motivated by 'a private grudge and hatred to ye Countesse of Desmond'. Whether impelled by personal ambition or hatred of Eleanor, or inspired by the religious zeal of Dr Sanders, Sir John decided 'to performe some piece of service whereby hee might give them assurance of his faithfull meaning to doe them service and not to leave any after meanes to recant or shirke back'. The 'piece of service' with which he chose to demonstrate his commitment to the crusade astounded everyone and was destined to have catastrophic repercussions for his brother.\n\nDespite the protestation of loyalty of the Earl of Desmond, Drury sent Henry Davells, a Devonshire man long resident in Ireland and on friendly terms with the Desmonds, to copperfasten the earl's allegiance. Davells was particularly friendly with Sir John, who, it was said, was his godson. Davells inspected the camp at Smerwick, concluded that with a few score soldiers it could easily be captured, and requested the Earl of Desmond to provide him with the necessary troops. Unwilling to commit himself to either side, Garrett lamely excused himself on the basis 'that his musketeers were more fitted to shoot at fowls than at a strong place and that his gallowglasses were good against gallowglasses but no match for old  soldiers'. Davells, together with his associate Arthur Carter, the provost-marshal of Munster, set out from Smerwick to report back to Drury. They lodged overnight at an inn in Tralee. In the middle of the night, accompanied by his brother James and some supporters, Sir John burst into the room and murdered both Davells and Carter in their beds.\n\nNews of the murders was received with disbelief in most quarters. One opinion was that the crime was committed with the full knowledge and consent of James FitzMaurice, while others stated that he condemned the treachery of the act but not the act itself. Dr Sanders was said to have called the murder 'a sweet sacrifice before God' and to have absolved Sir John and Sir James of the crime. For the Earl of Desmond the murder of Davells and Carter had even more far-reaching consequences. He publicly expressed his shock and revulsion and hurried back from Dingle to Askeaton. Garrett believed that the crime was intended to deliberately force his hand and alienate him further from the Crown. The Crown reacted predictably and Drury promised 'liberall rewarde to anie that should bring me the head of James FitzMaurice or of Sir John or his brother James of Desmond'. Thus Garrett's brothers were formally proclaimed rebels by the Crown and placed in the same camp as James FitzMaurice.\n\nBut the murder of Davells and Carter had other implications. When FitzMaurice landed in Dingle Bay, Garrett had an army of over a thousand men under his direct leadership. Scarcely one month later, as he hastened back to Askeaton, less than sixty of his followers chose to follow him. The remainder, whether with or without his consent, now formed part of the new army under James FitzMaurice and Sir John of Desmond. It was rumoured in Dublin and London that the Earl of Desmond had, in fact, covertly allowed his army to aid FitzMaurice so that the earl himself could appear loyal until further aid arrived from Spain and until Irish lords, such as Clanrickard, O'Neill and Kildare, joined the crusade. However, it seems clear that ever since 1576, though the transition was undoubtedly painful, Garrett, with Eleanor's encouragement, had been making an attempt to conform to the demands of the Crown. But it could be argued that old habits die hard and especially in the case of the Geraldine earl, reluctant to accept any diminution of his traditional power which thereby could lead him to conspire in secret with FitzMaurice. It could  be further argued that Garrett had little choice in the matter, and that his obligation to the Gaelic world that sustained him, and to his tributary lords and clansmen over whom he claimed jurisdiction, in turn demanded that, in the present circumstances, he should favour rebellion.\n\nIt was clear, however, that elements on both sides, for more devious reasons, sought to provoke the earl to throw off his loyalty to the Crown. He was in ill-health; if he died, it must not be as an attainted rebel. There was no advantage to be gained, either for Garrett or his son, from rebellion unless it could be assured of success. For this, more foreign assistance had to be forthcoming. Despite the promise of FitzMaurice and Sanders of further aid from the Pope and from Spain, none, as yet, had materialised, nor had FitzMaurice been successful in his attempts to extend the confederacy throughout the country. To Eleanor it appeared that Sir John had usurped her husband's control of his armed followers, who, exhorted by the preaching of Dr Sanders, had a new cause on which to expend their martial skills and energies, with the added bonus of booty and papal gold. Life under Garrett in recent times had tended to provide little scope or reward for their military abilities. A leader who could not mount his horse unassisted was scarcely fit to command, especially when a more able leader, such as James FitzMaurice, was prepared to lead them in his place.\n\nWhile Garrett pondered his unenviable dilemma, Drury fell ill in Dublin. The newly-appointed President of Connaught, Sir Nicholas Malby, who with great severity had subdued rebellion in Connaught, began to harass the rebel army in Munster. FitzMaurice and Sir John struck camp at Smerwick and moved towards Limerick. They parted company, however, over a difference of opinion regarding the leadership of the enterprise. FitzMaurice, with a small group of supporters, hurried through Tipperary and Limerick in an attempt to outflank Malby and enter Connaught. Passing through the country of the Burkes of Castleconnell, FitzMaurice's followers removed two horses from under a plough and took some booty. Theobald Burke, the chief's son, pursued them, and in an ensuing fracas on 18 August 1579 FitzMaurice was shot dead. So ended the career of the man who, whatever his personal motivations, introduced religion as a political cause in Ireland, and as a means to consolidate resistance to the English Crown. Despite developments on the continent, however, the  religious question in Ireland was yet an unsteady peg on which to hang the banner of revolution. The Gaelic annalists were fulsome in their praise of FitzMaurice. 'His death', they recorded, 'was the beginning of the decay of the honourable house of Desmond, out of which never issued so brave a man in all perfection.' His former adversary, Sir John Perrot, acknowledged him as a 'man very valiant politicke and learned as any Rebyll hath byn of that Nation for any yers'. But to Eleanor, FitzMaurice had been the monster of her nightmares, the one who sought, deliberately or otherwise, to dispossess her husband and her family and embroil them in a cataclysm that, once started, could end only in victory or abject defeat.\n\nSir John of Desmond assumed the vacant command of the insurgent forces in Munster. Meanwhile Sir Nicholas Malby proceeded to snap at the Earl of Desmond's heels, bombarding Lord Justice Drury and the Council in Dublin with accusations of his disloyalty. Drury determined to investigate the allegations against the earl. Accompanied by the Earl of Kildare, Eleanor's brother, the Baron of Dunboyne, and the Baron of Upper Ossory, Drury marched south, established camp near Kilmallock, and prepared to dislodge the rebel garrison at Smerwick, thereby raising the old contentious issue\u2014the invasion of Desmond's palatinate. The pressures on the earl were now immense. Eleanor's brother counselled him to repair to the Lord Justice. At the same time Dr Sanders, Sir John and his clansmen pressed him to obstruct Drury's passage through his palatinate. His own pride cried out that he, the great Earl of Desmond, should not be ordered hither and thither by subordinates and Crown servants. The cloud of melancholy and despondency returned as the earl shut himself up in his fortress at Askeaton and brooded over the insidious trap in which he found himself.\n\nDrury sent a delegation, led by the Baron of Upper Ossory, to negotiate. At first Garrett refused to meet them, but Eleanor prevailed on him to at least hear the baron out. The delegation was eventually ushered into the presence of the earl, who sat at a table with Eleanor by his side. The baron duly delivered Drury's orders to the earl to attend his camp at Kilmallock. At this intended slight Garrett's frail composure snapped, and with a sudden violent movement he upended the table and\n\n_fell into an extreme rage protesting that he wolde never come to William Drury nor where Malby was a counsellor, and that he wolde presently be master of the fielde, that if the Justice came to Kerry he should have nothinge there and rather than Englishmen should come to Dingle he woulde rase the towne._\n\nAll the pressures that beset him seemed to erupt in a verbal outburst. The palatine rights of his Kerry kingdom were the only vestiges of prestige and self-respect that remained. If his sovereignty there was violated by Drury, he would be left with nothing. It was unfortunate that FitzMaurice and his army had chosen it as the launching-pad for their crusade against Elizabeth. He alone, not the Lord Justice, would see to the demolition of the fortifications at Smerwick and to the dispersal and expulsion of the rebel army. His fury beyond all control, Eleanor shivered as she listened to her husband rage on against the Queen\u2014\n\n_the red calioghe [hag] let hir doe what she like, affirminge that she and hir frendes had undone him and turning to a marchant of Lymericke there present he said he wold leave Lymericke and Corke as naked as his nayle._\n\nThe English emissaries present were hurriedly told by the earl's retainers that the hag in question was the earl's wife, and this version was duly reported to the Privy Council in London. But the Irish lords present knew well the derisive nickname applied in Ireland to the redhaired Queen of England.\n\nThe Baron of Upper Ossory and his fellow-delegates departed to convey Desmond's reply to Drury as Eleanor and her brother tried to placate the overwrought earl. Eleanor sent his secretary, Morris Sheehan, to excuse his conduct. Drury agreed to temporise with the earl and promised him safe conduct to his camp near Kilmallock. Garrett eventually agreed to meet the Lord Justice, who received him courteously and asked his opinion on how best the rebels might be resisted. Garrett suggested that pledges should be first given by his tributary lords, the Earl of Clancar and lords Barry and Roche, and other lords in Munster over whom he claimed jurisdiction. By this means, Garrett hoped the lords would be less likely to join with the rebels and thereby undermine his position. But they protested  vigorously to the Lord Justice that, in order to prohibit the earl from joining forces with his brother, he should also be required to 'put in his onely sonne pledge for maintayning the warre against his bretherne'. Smarting at this further insult from his dependent lords, Garrett went 'into a newe passion and started from the boarde'. Drury, however, agreed with the lords' proposal and refused the earl permission to depart until his son should be delivered to him as hostage.\n\nIn trepidation Eleanor awaited Garrett's return at Askeaton. A party of his followers rode up to the castle and demanded that she deliver her son to be taken as a hostage to the Lord Justice. Eleanor refused. She could trust no one, least of all Garrett's supposedly loyal followers, most of whom had, in any case, defected to his brother Sir John. She decided to put her case to the Lord Justice in person. With a small guard she set out for the English camp, having first hidden her son in the lake fortress of Lough Gur. Drury received her graciously and sympathised with her anxiety over her son. He agreed to her proposal that in her own time she would place the child in the custody of the Mayor of Limerick. Thus having gained some precious time, Eleanor returned to the safety of Lough Gur.\n\nUnder the leadership of Sir John the crusade had meanwhile lost much of its original appeal and impetus. Sir John lacked the prestige and authority to extend the rebellion throughout the province or draw support from the local lords and chieftains. Dr Sanders knew there was only one person who could effectively revitalise interest in the crusade and to whose leadership the chieftains and clansmen would respond. But the Earl of Desmond still held aloof, reluctant to be drawn. He had little of FitzMaurice's crusading zeal. His own intransigence and the arrogant antics of the Crown officials in Munster were far more likely reasons for him to join the crusade. If the religious crusade could be used to stimulate 'the rankling sense of injustice dating from the Carew episode earlier . . . and the consequent sense of insecurity of tenure on the part of the great landholders', then Garrett's present grievances against the Crown could be easily exploited for the cause of the Counter-Reformation. As the English administration seemed determined to humiliate and strip him of every remaining vestige of his traditional power so they, either intentionally or accidentally, pushed the earl towards Sanders.\n\nThe Jesuit besieged Garrett with letters and messengers to assure him that his secular status could be guaranteed if he assumed  leadership of the spiritual crusade. Messengers arrived from Ulster and Connaught where the Mayo clans, under the leadership of Richard-in-Iron Bourke, the husband of his former captive, Grace O'Malley, awaited his call to arms. Spies brought news that Drury, who had again fallen ill in Dublin, had been unable to secure much-needed supplies and forces from the Crown. Sanders renewed his promise of additional aid from the Pope and the King of Spain and tempted Garrett with promises of the glory and prestige the Crown sought to deny him. Eventually Garrett made a secret rendezvous with Sanders and Sir John. Gradually he became more withdrawn from Eleanor, who saw her influence over him steadily eroded by the zealous exhortations of Sanders. She tried in vain to reason with him but, against the machinations of Dr Sanders, she was no match and, as was reported to the government, 'the corruption of the Erles disposition is such as manie tymes he nether regardeth frend nor wive'. But for the present he maintained his show of loyalty and accompanied Drury on an expedition against the rebels, now led by his two brothers.\n\nAs her influence over Garrett lessened, Eleanor's fears for the safety of her son increased. She had established a good relationship with Drury; like Sidney, he was one of the few English administrators who had come to recognise her dilemma. For different reasons they both worked for the same objective, to maintain Garrett in some degree of loyalty to the Queen. Both had begun to falter under the pressure of their respective missions. Drury was in poor health and had been consistently denied adequate provisions to perform his duties in Ireland. And now news of Drury's imminent departure for England reached Eleanor\u2014her last contact with the more reasonable elements in the English administration was about to be severed. The safety of her son weighed heavily on her mind. She feared that Sir John or Dr Sanders might kidnap James to ensure her husband's support. Garrett also feared for the safety of his son at the hands of his brothers, whom he later accused of attempting 'to imbrue their cruel hands with the blood of my wief and sonne, whom Sir John mortalie hated'. Perhaps also with an instinctive sense of the turmoil that was about to engulf them, Eleanor decided that her child could only evade the taint of rebellion, if in the custody of the Crown.\n\nDrury was the one person she could trust to ensure the boy's safety. She first journeyed with her son to Limerick city, where it was reported that\n\n_The Countesse of Desmond (with the Erles consent as shee saith) brought hir only son the Lord Garrett [sic, for James] to Limerick and delivered him as hir assurance (for so shee termed it) to the Attorney and Recorder, from whome he was sent for to the campe within two daies after, because it was doubted that the Erles faction in Limericke should convey him awaie and that the Lord Justice has also vehement presumption that he should have been by the Erles followers (especiallie the gallowglas) sent as a pledge into Spaine for perfourmance of such promises that have been made by them to Doctor Saunders_.\n\nDrury was about to set out on his final journey towards Waterford. It was a moving encounter between the dying, war-hardened soldier and the troubled countess, torn in two by her desire to protect her son and yet having to place him in the care of the very institution that sought to destroy his father. In their past dealings Drury had shown her a crusty courtesy and had come to respect her political and diplomatic abilities. Now he recognised her fear as a mother for her child's safety. It was a heart-rending scene as the tall woman bent down to embrace her small son and hold him close, aware that it might be for the last time. The pale, timid child, who since his birth in captivity had continued to be a captive of the tragic fates that buffeted his family, clung tightly to his mother, fearful of once again being condemned to a dark, menacing life behind locked doors, among strange, unfriendly faces. Drury reassured Eleanor, but as she looked into the haggard face, perhaps seeing death in his tired eyes, she felt a momentary stab of fear and begged him to do all he could to ensure that her child might be treated gently. With a breaking heart she lifted her son onto the saddle beside one of Drury's officers and watched the cavalcade slowly disappear down the narrow, rutted track.\n\nFollowing the departure of Drury, Sir Nicholas Malby was appointed temporary governor of Munster. He instituted the final campaign of humiliation which was eventually to push the vacillating Earl of Desmond over the brink. A flurry of correspondence between the two sides preceded the action. Malby curtly summoned the earl to appear before him at Limerick, and sent him a proclamation against the rebels which he ordered Garrett to have posted throughout his lordship. Garrett haughtily replied to the effect that his service 'against the rebells would be more available than his presence . . . in  Limerick'. Malby promised the earl 'much honour and favour . . . if he will get that papistical arrogant traitor Sanders to be arrested'. Garrett reciprocated by giving Malby some useless information on the actions of his brothers. Malby, without recourse to the Crown or to the Council in Dublin, set out on his own initiative, ostensibly to flush out the rebels but, in effect, to plunder the earl's lands. On 3 October 1579 he was confronted near Monasternenagh by the forces of Sir John of Desmond in full battle array. A fiercely-fought pitched battle ensued until eventually the English pikemen penetrated the rows of galloglass and kern and the rebel army slowly gave ground. Sir John and Dr Sanders escaped into the woods along the Maigue river.\n\nWhen news of the defeat reached Askeaton, the earl hurriedly forwarded his congratulations to Malby. But Malby was unimpressed. He was convinced that the earl was involved with the rebels: 'He is the onlie man that did seeke to cutt my throate,' he informed the English Privy Council, 'the onelie arch traytor of Mounster, his two brethern are but ministers to serve his vile disposition.' Malby's accusations were, as yet, based on conjecture; tangible proof of the earl's active implication in the rebellion was more difficult to establish. But conjecture and rumour were sufficient for Malby, who despised all that Desmond represented.\n\nEleanor's abilities as mediator were powerless against such intense and irrational behaviour. There was no one in the Council in Dublin with whom she could intercede in order to call off Malby. Her husband had temporised with the administration for months, but the Crown had also violated agreements made with him. Fired by puritanical religious zeal, Malby now prepared to exact a terrible retribution. He burned and pillaged his way through the earl's estates up to the gates of Askeaton castle and pitched camp in the abbey across the river. From a window of the castle Eleanor watched the final act of violation and degradation perpetrated against her husband. The proud earl notified the English Privy Council of Malby's action:\n\n_The saide Sir Nicholas encamped within the Abbie of Asketin and ther most malitiosslie defaced the oulde monuments of my ancestors, fired both the abbie, the whole tower and all the countrie therabouts and ceased not to shote at my men within Askyten castle_.\n\nThe thoughts of the earl as he helplessly watched the very heart of his Desmond heritage being ravaged, the bones of his ancestors and of his first wife so dishonoured, have not been recorded. The once all-powerful Earl of Desmond had been rendered powerless to prevent the outrage committed by a lowly captain of the Crown within sight of his own castle. In his despair he even appealed to his bitter rival, the Earl of Ormond:\n\n_Your mother's grave hath beane most spitefully used by Sir Nicholas Malbye. It hath beene broken so that nowe there remaineth no monument thereof. I bescheche your consideraccion of my cause and howe I have ben persecuted by a Captain that hath no authoritie to do the like_.\n\nBut whatever vague sympathy, or fear, Black Tom might have felt for his neighbour, the old wounds of their personal animosity were still too raw for him to intervene.\n\nThe final push came from Drury's successor, Sir William Pelham, who was appointed Lord Justice of Ireland in October 1579. One of his first acts was to appoint the Earl of Ormond military governor of Munster. He also issued a patent to Ormond, 'who having the keeping and custodie of the young Lord Girald [ _sic_ ] sonne and heir to the erle of Desmond was by a warrant willed to deliver him to Captain Dachworth and he to bring or conveie him to the Castell of Dublin'. During his journey in Drury's custody to Waterford the child had fallen ill. As Drury's own condition had worsened, it was decided to leave the Earl of Desmond's son in the care of the Earl of Ormond. Drury subsequently died at Waterford on 3 October without being able to discharge the undertaking he had given to Eleanor. Pelham was not only determined that Desmond's son would be placed well beyond the grasp of all factions in Munster, but was also planning to use the boy as a valuable bargaining counter against his father.\n\nRumours flew like sparrows from tree to tree across Munster that the Earl of Desmond had finally declared for the rebels. Pelham neglected to check the accuracy of the rumours, but summoned the earl to his presence. Secure in his stronghold at Askeaton, the earl declined to put his head into the lion's mouth. Pelham threatened to execute his son. There was no time to appeal to the Queen. If Garrett went to Pelham, there was every likelihood that he would promptly be  imprisoned. It was decided that Eleanor should again intercede on his behalf. 'I have sent my wife to declare the causes of my present stay', the earl informed Pelham, 'and how my country has been burnt and spoiled, my castles taken and myself misused.' Pelham received Eleanor coldly. He would not be hoodwinked by her or by her husband like previous Crown officials. Her husband, he was convinced, intended to rebel. Eleanor reminded him that they had voluntarily given up their only son as proof of the earl's good intent. She graphically described the outrages perpetrated by Malby on her husband's property and the provocative sacking of Askeaton abbey. Surely, as a subject of the Crown, her husband had the right to the Crown's protection.\n\nPelham momentarily drew back and agreed to give the earl one final chance. With perhaps spiteful intent he chose the Earl of Ormond to act as mediator and, through him, presented Eleanor with a set of unacceptable demands: that Desmond submit to the Lord Justice; that he deliver Dr Sanders into Crown custody; that he surrender Askeaton and Carraigafoyle castles to the Crown; and that he join in the campaign against his brothers and serve under the command of the Earl of Ormond. Pelham well realised that the Earl of Desmond had neither the power nor the will to comply with such demands.\n\nEleanor realised the futility of her mission and returned to Askeaton to be with her husband. Pelham moved his forces close to Rathkeale. He sent Ormond to negotiate with Desmond. But the latter's presence merely served to antagonise Garrett further. 'I will remain as true-hearted a subject to Her Majesty as any one that seeketh to undo me,' he informed Pelham and demanded 'that my servant may go with my complaints to Her Majesty and the Council, whose judgement I am contented to abide'. But Pelham and his war-dogs now smelled blood and, knowing the Queen's penchant for pardons instead of costly war, reacted quickly. Without the permission or knowledge of the Queen or the Privy Council, Pelham had the Earl of Desmond 'with sound of Trumpett' proclaimed a traitor, thereby forcing him, as one commentator noted, 'for his owne safety to run that course against his will', into the arms of Dr Sanders. Significantly, the proclamation was signed by Pelham, the Earl of Ormond, his brothers and Eleanor's brother, the Baron of Dunboyne. Some of the lords of the Pale, Gormanston, Baltinglass and Delvin,  refused to be signatories. On 2 November 1579 the proclamation was simultaneously announced in Dublin, Waterford, Cork and Limerick and in other towns and settlements throughout the country.\n\nAs news of the proclamation reached Askeaton, its significance momentarily numbed Garrett and Eleanor. Thoughts of confiscation, exile and execution flashed through their minds. But in a desperate bid to avert the disaster, Eleanor took to her horse, and, as was reported, 'within one houre after this proclamation, the Countess of Desmond came to the campe but the campe was before dislodged'. Pelham had already let loose his dogs of war and, almost gleefully, he reported the outcome to the Queen. 'Desmond has been proclaimed a traitor,' he wrote. 'Ormond has already drawn blood and kindled the fire in the midst of Desmond's country . . . I have left the prosecution of the war to him.'\n\nSoon the traditional adherents of the House of Desmond, client lords and chieftains, retainers, galloglass and swordsmen, combined with the promoters of the Counter-Reformation, descended on Askeaton to claim their leader. Despite her efforts Eleanor watched her worst nightmare unfold as her husband was borne headlong into rebellion. Both realised the outcome should the rebellion prove unsuccessful: execution and dispossession. There were to be no farewells between Eleanor and her husband. For the following four desperate years, wherever the Earl of Desmond hid or lay down to rest, in woodland, marsh or mountain, his wife was not far from his side.\n\nUnder a sombre sky, slowly and painfully, the fourteenth Earl of Desmond limped from his castle into the November evening. A hundred hands lifted the crippled earl onto his horse. The papal banner was unfurled over his head. The centuries-old Desmond warcry, ' _Shanid Ab\u00fa_ ' gave way to ' _Papa ab\u00fa_ ' as the Geraldine leader rode out from Askeaton castle, the reluctant champion of a crusade he neither believed in nor understood.\nChapter 7\n\nRebellion\n\n_The wrathful skies_\n\n_Gallow the very wanderers of the dark,_\n\n_And make them keep their caves: since I was man_\n\n_Such sheets of fire, such bursts of horrid thunder,_\n\n_Such groans of roaring wind and rain, I never_\n\n_Remember to have heard: man's nature cannot carry_\n\n_The affliction nor the fear_\n\nKING LEAR, III, ii\n\nAs news of the Desmond rebellion spread across the country, initially it seemed likely to provoke a wider conspiracy among the Gaelic and gaelicised lords. In Connaught the clans of Mayo and Galway rose in support. Scots mercenaries poured into Ulster. In Leinster James Eustace, Viscount Baltinglass, a determined Catholic, conspired with the Wicklow chieftain, Fiach MacHugh O'Byrne. There was unrest in Limerick city, and the mayor was taken prisoner by insurgents. Sir John of Desmond plundered Kerry and burned the town of Tralee. The rebels attacked the lands of a grantee, John Rowly, and left him nailed to his castle door as a warning to others. Dr Sanders exhorted the leaders and promised more assistance from the Pope and the Most Catholic King of Spain.\n\nBut solitary in the Escorial palace the black-garbed lay leader of the Counter-Reformation, God's lieutenant on earth, Philip II, gloomily contemplated a batch of despatches from his spies in England. They were proof of the distinct lack of progress being made against his heretic sister-in-law and her godless kingdom. But the blame could be squarely laid at Philip's own door whose predilection for deliberation and detail made progress virtually impossible. Every despatch was  scrutinised, every emissary personally interviewed, every detail gleaned was methodically stored in the dispassionate mind of the anointed head of the greatest and most Catholic leader in the world. Now that the House of Guise in France had become part of his orbit, and that his control over the Netherlands was restored, there was time to contemplate how best to resume the crusade against Elizabeth and to fulfil his 'gossamer vision of a Europe purged of heresy and united in the ample bosom of mother church'. Had not Elizabeth blatantly aided and comforted his rebellious and heretical Dutch subjects? Now with news of a crusade in Ireland against her, led by an Irish leader who sought his help, the King pondered over the direction his religious zeal and political revenge might take against his sister monarch.\n\nWhile the banner of rebellion, emblazoned with the cross of the crusade, had been placed in the hands of her reluctant husband, Eleanor was yet hopeful that Garrett's slide into ruin could be reversed. She had not been included in the Lord Justice's proclamation and was therefore free to negotiate with the authorities and put her diplomatic skill to use on her husband's behalf. But she had no trustworthy contact in the Dublin Council. Her only remaining recourse was to gain direct access to the Queen and her Council in England. Elizabeth must be made aware of the conduct of her officers in Ireland who, for reasons other than duty, had alienated her husband from the Crown. Eleanor well knew that many servants of the Crown, both in Ireland and in England, had greedy eyes fastened on the fertile acres of her husband's estates. A push towards rebellion rather than a pull towards loyalty presented the prospect of rich reward for such energetic and ambitious officials. Her letters to England were liable to be intercepted by the self-same officials, determined they did not reach their destination. But there was another, albeit desperate, way. On 4 November 1579, two days after her husband was publicly proclaimed a traitor, a despatch, signed by Pelham, Ormond and Malby to the Queen's secretary, Sir Francis Walsingham, made the startling announcement: 'To be a solicitor that in respect since the proclamation, the Countess of Desmond hath left her husband that she may enjoy her jointure.'\n\nEven as Garrett was hustled away into rebellion and as the great wood of Clonlish swallowed him and his followers, Eleanor put her plan into action. She obtained a meeting with her kinsman the Earl of Ormond, to whom she revealed her intention to divorce Garrett,  ostensibly because of the shame and ruin his actions had brought on her and on his family. She asked that her marriage portion or dowry be returned to her in order that she might sustain herself. Initially her request was taken at face value. It was on record that the Countess of Desmond had long endeavoured to keep the earl loyal to the Crown, and she had letters from a grateful Queen to prove it. Divorce was common among the Gaelic and gaelicised aristocracy. Ormond himself had been recently divorced. Aware of Eleanor's long devotion to Garrett, Ormond became suspicious of her sudden desire to obtain her jointure. Her real reason, he suspected, was to obtain funding to enable her to take her husband's case to London. And Eleanor was forced to admit her real intent. 'Now that it hath pleased God to wrap my husband into these late troubles,' she wrote to Ormond, 'I wish to repair to Her Majesty's preserve and desire you to send me a passport. I mind to take shipping at Cork or Kinsale.'\n\nAs Ormond deliberated over her request, desperate to attain her goal before Garrett, by some precipitate action, could put himself totally beyond all help, Eleanor had some cattle rounded up and asked Ormond 'to make sale of such kine as I sent to your country to bear my charges in England for that both my husband and I have incurred certain debts in England, it is needful that you send me a protection to pass with my stuff and goods until I shall come to Her Majesty without any molestation'. Ormond informed her that he had not the authority to issue her with a pass, but that he would forward her request to Lord Justice Pelham. However, he took care to forewarn Pelham: 'I have had a letter from my Lady of Desmond. It is thought, I dare say, by those that wrote it to be cunningly penned and devised but the intent is easy to understand.' Pelham, in any event, had no intention of allowing the Countess of Desmond access to the Queen. Elizabeth had sounded the first notes of disquiet about the peremptory way he had proclaimed the Earl of Desmond. Desmond's wife pleading her husband's case, with the support of the Cecil faction at Court, might well mean dismissal or even imprisonment. Pelham wrote his reply to the Earl of Ormond: 'I have considered of my Lady of Desmond's letter. Pray you stay your hand from these her vain petitions till our meeting and answer her letter with silence.'\n\nBut Eleanor refused to accept silence as an answer. She demanded and received an audience with the Lord Justice. She asked him to suspend the proclamation against her husband until she could further Eleanor, Countess of Desmond  negotiate with him. Pelham refused but granted her permission to go to her husband and promised her 'that grace would be showid to her husband if he would consent to ye delivery of his brother and Doctor Saunders'. Pelham warned her that she must return 'within certaine daies to live in the Pale or with the barron of Dunboine her brother'. Eleanor realised that Pelham would never permit her access to the Queen or retract the proclamation, short of Garrett's unconditional surrender. Gathering her few belongings, she fled to join her husband, and failed to return within the allotted time. To damage whatever credibility she might have with the Queen, Pelham informed Sir Francis Walsingham 'that there is not any emonge the conspiratours that more encouradgeth the disloyaltie of them than she. And therefore I believe that her messadge is but collorable . . . to gaine intellegence for purpose.'\n\nBy now, however, the Queen's disquiet over the proclamation of the Earl of Desmond and the continuation of the war in Munster had changed to anger. She ordered Pelham to explain his actions. Pelham protested that Desmond had been covertly involved in rebellious conspiracy since the time of James FitzMaurice. To sting her princely pride, Pelham further informed the Queen that 'in all his skirmishes and outrages since the proclamation, Desmond crieth _Papa aboo_ , which is the Pope above even above you and your imperial crown'. But Elizabeth was not satisfied. Rebellions cost money, while pardons, particularly on conditions favourable to the Crown, cost nothing. She had learned of the attempts of the Countess of Desmond to gain her royal ear and also of Pelham's efforts to prevent her. Elizabeth demanded further explanation from her Lord Justice.\n\nBut before Pelham could compose an excuse, the Earl of Desmond, as Eleanor feared, put himself beyond redemption by an inexplicable attack on the town of Youghal. The town was in a state of total unpreparedness for the assault. In the middle of a thunderstorm the rebel army, with Garrett at its head, entered through a breach in the walls. Then, amid scenes of wanton carnage and cruelty, Youghal was sacked. Houses were set on fire, citizens put to the sword, women ravished, while the Desmond hordes, with wild exultant cries, ransacked buildings and stuffed their clothes with gold and silver from the town's coffers. It was reported that the Earl of Desmond, Sir John and the Seneschal of Imokilly tore down the emblem of the Queen's  coat of arms from the courthouse and hacked it asunder with their daggers. For four days and nights the rebels looted the town. Laden with booty and prisoners, the Earl of Desmond and his 'crusaders' marched away, leaving Youghal in flames.\n\nEleanor's reaction to the sack of Youghal was one of disbelief that her husband would allow his own town to be destroyed. But religious fanaticism had by then fuelled the flames of rebellion. Dr Sanders ardently preached the message of the Counter-Reformation and exhorted the earl that his secular struggle against the Queen in Ireland was part of a glorious international crusade against heresy. The Pope and King Philip would soon come to his assistance, Sanders assured him. The Earl of Desmond listened and felt uplifted, no longer hamstrung by his physical deformities or political deficiencies. Religion elevated him to his true status as the great rebel Geraldine fighting the just cause of faith and fatherland. His letters to the Gaelic chieftains and to the Catholic lords of the Pale reflected his belated conversion to the crusading cause. Writing to Viscount Baltinglass, Garrett now maintained:\n\n_It is so that I and my brothers are entered into the Defence of the Catholick Faith, the overthrow of our Country by Englishmen which had overthrown the Holy Church and go about to over-run our country and make it their own and make us their Bond men_.\n\nMessengers and letters of support flowed into his base at Newcastle from Turlough Luineach O'Neill, Fiach MacHugh O'Byrne, Baltinglass, and lords and chieftains from every province. They made extravagant promises of Scottish galloglass and Gaelic kern. But promises were easily made, and the Earl of Desmond had yet to prove how much support his cause commanded abroad before the effusive pledges of his erstwhile allies in Ireland could be translated into practical assistance.\n\nAs the mournful winter winds howled around Newcastle, Eleanor realised that she was powerless to stem the fast-flowing tide which bore her husband and his house steadily towards their doom. She looked across the dimly-lit room to where Garrett, seated with Dr Sanders, dictated to a secretary the now interwoven words of religion and rebellion. She observed the almost skeletal features of her husband, his sickly pallor and hunched shoulders. The winter  campaign had taken further toll on his health. She thought of her son, alone in his dark cell in Dublin Castle. The servants she had sent to care for him had been dismissed, and Pelham had ordered 'that the constable of the Castle shall provide for his diett and wantes and that his nurse shall onely attend him there'. Yet she was satisfied that even Dublin Castle was a safer haven for her child than his native Munster over which the storm was about to break.\n\nFor the hunt was on\u2014one of the greatest manhunts in history\u2014for the most feeble prey that ever went to ground. While the Queen dithered to finance an all-out offensive against the Earl of Desmond, the Earl of Ormond took matters into his own hands. Passing between Askeaton and Newcastle, he burned and looted right up to the foothills of Slieve Logher, on a mission of vengeance on his ancient enemy until, hampered by appalling weather conditions and lack of supplies, he reluctantly returned to Ormond, hopeful that in the new year Elizabeth might loosen the purse-strings and he could continue the campaign against his step-father.\n\nTowards the end of January 1580 two well-appointed ships arrived off Dingle. They carried letters for the Earl of Desmond and his brothers from the King of Spain. Garrett hurried to Castlemaine to confer with the king's messengers. Both the success of the rebellion and his own fate depended on help from Philip. He told the messengers to urge their master to send the long-awaited assistance without delay. He promised support from all the lords of the country and confidently declared that he would have a substantial army at his disposal. And during the early months of 1580 many hitherto undecided lords wavered to the cause. The Earl of Clancar was either compelled by Garrett or exhorted by Dr Sanders to join the rebellion. It was even rumoured that Edmund Butler, the Earl of Ormond's brother, who was married to Garrett's sister, had 'stood a little wavering and was to be doubted', before being pulled back into line by his brother, Black Tom. But since the sack of Youghal, militarily Garrett had accomplished little. Ever fearful for his safety, like a shadow he flitted from Newcastle to Aherlow, to Adare, to Carraigafoyle on the Shannon, until he finally came to rest at the more secure fortress of Castlemaine. His landless adherents, while they awaited action against the enemy, looted and ravaged the countryside. The peasants, as ever, bore the brunt of their excesses and sought protection in the woods and mountain foothills. Eleanor  also momentarily disappeared from view. There was no one with whom she could negotiate, and little reason for her to do so. She spent the winter months with her daughters between the fortresses of Castlemaine and Castleisland deep in her husband's territory.\n\nIn the spring of 1580 the war recommenced with a vengeance. It was reported that King Philip had troops and ships massed at Spanish ports, ready to sail to Ireland to support the rebel Earl of Desmond. Elizabeth's nightmare, that Spain would use Ireland as a backdoor into England, seemed likely to become a reality. The English court factions closed ranks and united to repel the foreign threat. The hitherto divided coteries led by Cecil and Walsingham were now of one voice. They urged the Queen to back Ormond and Pelham and to provide the means for an all-out offensive against the Earl of Desmond. Cecil, Ormond's one-time adversary, admitted:\n\n_So must I merely say with others_ , Butler aboo _against all that cry as I hear in a new language Papa aboo. God send you your heart's desire, which I know is agreeable to mine, to banish or vanquish those cankered Desmonds and to plant again the Queen's Majesty's honour and reputation._\n\nAnd finally, with the approval of the Privy Council and a reluctant nod from Elizabeth, the armed might of the Crown was unleashed on the Earl of Desmond. In March 1580 Ormond joined forces with Pelham at Rathkeale, and together they commenced a dreadful war of retribution. They divided their forces: Ormond moved towards the Shannon; Pelham kept inland, towards Newcastle. It was said that they each kept track of the other's progress by the billowing clouds of smoke they left in their wake as they burned and pillaged their way west.\n\nThe country people fled for their lives before the new fury. But to Pelham every peasant or tenant who resided within the Desmond lordship was deemed a rebel and the English scouting parties indiscriminately sought out and slew panic-stricken men, women and children. His despatches to the Privy Council unashamedly detailed acts of remorseless barbarity and deprivation committed against a largely defenceless peasantry. Exultantly describing a typically punitive raid, he wrote:\n\n_The people and cattle flying before us in the mountains were followed by some horsemen and light footmen. There were slain that day by the fury of the soldiers above 400 people found in the woods; and wheresoever any house or corn was found, it was consumed by fire_.\n\nThe unfortunate people who were subjected to such treatment were shamelessly abandoned by their overlord and left to stand defenceless before his enemies. The Desmonds, Dr Sanders and their swordsmen were far removed, safe in their remote castle outposts, out of range of the pitiful cries of the abandoned peasantry. In vain the people waited for the banner of their hereditary protector to appear and save them from their doom. But the great Geraldine lord did not come to their rescue, and Pelham's soldiers and Ormond's galloglass found nothing to obstruct them. Steel fell on unprotected bone and hacked its way over the mutilated bodies of its unresisting victims. From the branches of the Munster oaks the putrefying corpses hung in gruesome proof of Pelham's progress. The once lush Desmond pasturelands were reduced to a blackened heath as Ormond sated his revenge on his old enemy and Pelham, one of the new breed of Puritan military commanders, merely did his job.\n\nBut Munster was not ravaged just by the armies of the Crown. As the Earl of Desmond and his army withdrew into remoter areas, they too burned and looted everything in their path. Every fortress between Castleisland and Tralee was demolished to prevent its use by the enemy. Cattle were seized and driven into secret valleys and hidden recesses in the mountains to provide sustenance for the fighting men. The peasantry were left to fend for themselves as best they could, and any who remonstrated were summarily dealt with.\n\nSome of the stronger Desmond castles, such as Askeaton, Newcastle, Adare, Glin and Carraigafoyle, directly in Pelham's path, remained intact, secure in the impregnability of their thick stone walls. Carraigafoyle on the Shannon was considered one of the most formidable and its destruction was to open a new chapter in military warfare in Ireland. The castle commanded a strategic position at the entrance to the Shannon estuary. It was garrisoned for the Earl of Desmond by a mixture of papal and Irish troops under the command of captain Julian. In view of the aid expected from Spain, defence of the castle took on a new urgency. Unable to risk the journey himself, Garrett sent Eleanor to convey plans for the defence of the castle to the  garrison. With a small escort she set out on the hazardous journey. Although not technically a wanted rebel like her husband, nonetheless she could not afford to fall into the hands of the Crown forces. Successfully eluding English scouting parties from the armies of Pelham and Ormond she delivered her husband's instructions. Great earthworks were immediately constructed on the estuary side of the castle to provide additional protection for the ships expected daily from Spain. On the landward side two separate ditches with a wall and a further earthwork were erected. Every chink and cranny in the outer walls of the castle was filled with masonry to prevent potential besiegers obtaining a foothold. In Garrett's estimation, and indeed by the military convention of the day, Carraigafoyle was thus rendered impregnable.\n\nWhen English ships, under the command of Sir William Winter, however, anchored off the castle with a cargo of siege guns, Garrett's defensive modifications, earthworks, ditches and smooth masonry proved useless as for two days the guns pounded the defences of Carraigafoyle. On 29 March a breach was finally made in the barbican. Pelham's troops poured into the castle and spared none of the defenders. As the cannon and culverins boomed their relentless message of victory across the Kerry countryside, Pelham next prepared to move against the heart of the Desmond lordship. The siege cannon were pointed at Askeaton. But there was little need to fire even one shell. On learning about the destruction of Carraigafoyle and the fate of the defenders, Garrett's garrison at Askeaton fled for their lives and, as they departed, set fire to the magazine, which blew the greater part of the castle asunder. Pelham appointed a garrison under Sir Peter Carew and Sir Henry Wallop in the ruins of Askeaton, while Sir George Carew and Captain Hollingworth encamped in the adjacent abbey.\n\nReports of the destruction of Carraigafoyle and the partial destruction of Askeaton were brought to the earl, who, with Eleanor, was at Tralee. The fall of Askeaton must have been a severe blow, being not merely a place of great significance in the Desmond heritage and history, but also the home in which they had snatched a few brief years of happiness and contentment.\n\nAs Pelham's army closed in, Garrett's followers, who had so vociferously and eagerly prevailed upon him to lead the great crusade, began to desert in numbers. There was still no sign of the Spanish aid  promised by Dr Sanders. With the exception of a brief, isolated uprising by Richard-in-Iron Bourke in Mayo, Connaught too had failed to rise in support of the crusade. There was a shortage of food and supplies, and Garrett's swordsmen preyed far and wide over the impoverished land. To stem the tide, Garrett was reported to have told his followers 'that yf aid from Spaine and the Pope cam not before Whitsontide he would leave them to make their composition with the Englishe as well as thei colde'. Numbed by the ferocity of Pelham's tactics, few could envisage such a course of action. The English forces pressed ever closer, and the list of garrisons established by them grew. Captain Bouchier occupied Kilmallock and captain Wilks held Adare. The hunt was on for the Earl and Countess of Desmond, Dr Sanders and the earl's brothers. Each day scouting parties from the various garrisons scoured the forests, mountain foothills and the secret recesses of Aherlow for the fugitives. Even Eleanor's brother, the Baron of Dunboyne, joined in the hunt for his sister and brother-in-law.\n\nAs the net tightened, the Desmond fugitives flitted from place to place. Everything now depended on Spain. Garrett became suspicious that Dr Sanders intended to desert him, and kept a close watch on the cleric who, for better or worse, had become his one remaining hope of salvation. In his present position there seemed little possibility of reconciliation with the Crown and restoration to his title and estates. Only from a position of strength could he hope to negotiate with Elizabeth. In the large rambling fortress of Castleisland the earl and Eleanor waited. The winter had been difficult with severe frost and snow. The earl could scarcely walk. His personal physician, Maurice Lee, deserted him and sought Pelham's protection. Aqua vitae was now the only medicine with which the earl could obtain relief from the pain that racked his feeble body, and with which he could deaden his mind to the reality of his dreadful predicament.\n\nEleanor sent their daughters to be cared for in the few remaining friendly houses. She entrusted her children to the protection of her half-brother, Donal MacCarthy of Carbery, and her brother-in-law, Owen MacDonagh MacCarthy of Duhallow, both of whom were subsequently imprisoned by Pelham when they refused to divulge the whereabouts of their charges. Eleanor sent another daughter to the care of her sister, the Countess of Clancar. The strain, both physical and mental, had taken its toll. She had been sucked into the morass against her better judgement. Her husband had succumbed to the  pressures exerted on him from both sides. She had her opportunity to desert him and chance her luck with the English authorities. But the persistence and constancy that were the hallmarks of her character were difficult to shed, even if she had wished to do so. Her influential position in the Desmond household even yet attracted the attention of the English administration. In an attempt to reduce English unease at the ruthlessness of his campaign in Munster, Pelham sought, through Eleanor's brother, to involve her in a government plot 'for ye apprehencion of John of Desmond and Saunders' in return for Garrett's pardon. While there was little love lost between Eleanor and Sir John and Sanders, she had even less trust in the Lord Justice. She too had come to the conclusion that in the present situation the only solution to their dreadful dilemma was a Spanish one.\n\nBut the strain of watching and waiting had begun to affect the relationship between the fugitives at Castleisland. Sir John bitterly accused the earl of cowardice and inaction. After heated exchanges the brothers separated. Sir John led his followers on a series of wild forages, while Garrett made a short sortie into Limerick, where he was surprised by the ward out of Adare castle. In the ensuing engagement his horse was shot from under him, and it was only with considerable difficulty that his followers managed to hustle him back to the safety of Castleisland.\n\nIn June 1580 Pelham and Ormond combined once more for an offensive against the Earl of Desmond. They drove the MacCarthys and O'Callaghans, together with their cattle herds, before them and advanced along the Blackwater on a long, energy-sapping trek into the palatinate of Kerry. News of their progress reached Eleanor and Garrett belatedly. With Pelham at their heels, there was little time for an orderly withdrawal from Castleisland, and, as Pelham reported, 'the erle of Desmond being ther with his ladie was forced to forsake his horse and betwixt some of his gallowglass to take to the bogg.' Eleanor had to abandon several items of clothing from her personal wardrobe, which, together with some vestments belonging to Dr Sanders, were derisively torn to shreds by Pelham's soldiers. Aided by the strong arms of the galloglass, the Earl and Countess of Desmond fled into the night. Splashing and stumbling through the bogs and marshes around Castleisland, the cries of their hunters in their ears, they ran for their lives. Garrett fell down exhausted, unable to continue, and had to be carried on the shoulders of his galloglass to  the safety of the mountains. Here the fugitives took a brief respite, then separated.\n\nWith a small escort, Eleanor set out for Newcastle to lead the pursuers away from her husband. On her journey she encountered the admiral of the English fleet, Sir William Winter. Since the fall of Carraigafoyle, Winter's fleet remained anchored in the Shannon estuary but, following a rendezvous with Pelham, he had taken the fleet around to Dingle Bay. On his return he encountered the Countess of Desmond. Eleanor informed him of the sequence of developments that had forced her husband into rebellion. She begged him to take a letter to the English Privy Council so that she might negotiate directly with them for her husband's pardon and for a cessation of the war in Munster. The pitiful sight of the dishevelled countess touched Winter, who agreed to forward her letter to England.\n\nEleanor sat down to compose the most honest and poignant letter of the entire tragic saga. It is at once a powerful and compelling document. It demonstrates her knowledge and understanding of the minds of those she sought to change. She gives an objective analysis of her husband's shortcomings, but also her conviction that he had been pushed by Pelham and Malby into a rebellion he did not want. 'My husband and his countrie have bene bled by persons who are in authoritie here,' she wrote, and reminded the Council of her husband's loyal conduct until the death of Sir William Drury. Then, Eleanor contends, Sir Nicholas Malby was allowed free rein in Munster and 'the place of Justice was void. Malbie', she asserts, 'marched therewith into my husbands countrie, murdered certaine of his men, toke and spoyled certaine of his castles, burned within houses old men and children and within churches bourned certaine monuments of his ancestors and, a thinge which', as Eleanor asserts, 'greeved him most, openlie called him a traytor within the cytye of Lymerick.'\n\nEleanor grasps the opportunity to explain how both she and her husband had been denied access to the Privy Council by English officials in Ireland. Despite her husband's promise to disassociate himself from those whom she describes as 'his unnaturall biethern and the traitor Saunders', and the delivery of their son to the Crown, her husband had been left with no option but to join in the rebellion or be overrun. For her own part, she declares that after her husband had been publicly proclaimed a traitor, she had indicated to Pelham and Ormond that she wished to leave Munster and go to the Queen,  but this had been denied her. She puts on record her suspicions concerning the evil intent of her brother-in-law, Sir John of Desmond, who, she claims,\n\n_since the tyme I was married and especiallie settens yt shall be please God to send my husband a sonne . . . hathe allwaies enveyied the prosperitie of my husband and by all meanes sought both in Englande and here to throwe him into some action, wherebie he might incure her Maties indignaction hopinge thereby (as nowe he doth manifest havinge shott at the marke which longe he desired) to come by the Erledome as with hope he hathe ben alwaies prevented by my meanes and the actions of those that loved my husband._\n\nIn her letter Eleanor fearlessly apportioned the blame for her husband's rebellion, as she adjudged it, on both sides: on the provocative actions of Pelham and Malby on the one hand, and on the greed and jealousy of her husband's brothers on the other, while in between lay the devious aspirations and plots of Ormond, Sanders and the rest. Winter accepted her missive for the Privy Council and promised, when the opportunity arose, he would have it delivered. Eleanor later rejoined her husband, determined to keep him alive until either the hoped-for Spanish aid arrived or her letter produced a pardon from Elizabeth.\n\nMeanwhile the hunt continued unabated. There was to be no respite for the rebel Irish earl and his adherents. From the sod cabins of the lowliest kern to cold mountain caves, to the dens of wild animals, the Earl and Countess of Desmond crept stealthily. With a handful of faithful attendants, like 'deere they laie upon their keepings and so fearfull they were, that they would not tarrie in anie one place anie long time but where they did dress their meat, then they would remove and eat it in another place to lie'. They ranged over the more mountainous and marshy parts of Munster. At times her husband had to be carried on a pallet while, ever watchful, Eleanor rode at the head of the band, ready to sound the alarm at the first sight of danger. She endured many narrow escapes from pursuing English scouting parties, on the watch for her in the hope that by finding her they might also discover the earl's whereabouts. 'We had the Countess of Desmond in chase two myles', captain Bouchier of the Kilmallock garrison reported, 'and myssinge her selfe took a great prey of three hundred  kyne from her.' It became too risky to travel by day. Too many eyes, both native and foreign, sought the fugitives, to secure the silver on their heads. Munster was pockmarked with English garrisons from which scouting parties daily emerged to scour the countryside, while the earl's own followers cursed their overlord and blamed him for the ruination of crops, the seizure of livestock and for their hunger. But the main thrust of their anger was directed against Dr Sanders. Even in the earl's company he became reviled by the people for his hollow promises of Spanish arms and gold. The earl's authority alone protected him, and now for reasons that had little to do with a religious crusade.\n\nDuring the summer many of the Earl of Desmond's erstwhile allies, including the Earl of Clancar, O'Sullivan Beare and O'Sullivan More, O'Callaghan and O'Donoghue, submitted to Pelham. Rumours of the likely appointment of a new lord deputy began to circulate. Pelham redoubled his efforts in his attempt to capture the rebel earl and his family.\n\n_I give the rebels no breath to relieve themselves [he boasted to the Queen] but by one of your garrisons or other they be continually hunted. I keep them from their harvest and have taken great preys of cattle from them by which it seemeth the poor people that lived only upon labour and fed by their milch cows are so distressed as they follow their goods and offer themselves with their wives and children rather to be slain by the army than to suffer the famine that now in extremity beginneth to pinch them_.\n\nAs Pelham reported, the first signs of a serious famine had appeared, as the devastated land and terrified people succumbed to the awful consequences of the long war.\n\nSuddenly the focus of political attention was diverted from Munster to the hitherto loyal English Pale, where James Eustace, Viscount Baltinglass, aided by Fiach MacHugh O'Byrne, raised the papal banner high over Leinster. This latest revolt was part of the wider intensification of the counter-reformation movement abroad. Jesuit agents, Parsons and Campion, had been smuggled into England and were actively exhorting English Catholics to rebel for faith and freedom. The objectives of the Counter-Reformation were espoused by Baltinglass who, unlike the Earl of Desmond, exemplified the true reforming zeal of the movement. Urged on by Dr Sanders, with whom  he had been in contact, Baltinglass now displaced the Earl of Desmond and moved centre-stage in the revolutionary crusade. He exhorted Sir John and Dr Sanders to join him and move the thrust of the crusade to Leinster. Sir John had little patience or respect for his sickly brother, while Sanders had detected a marked falling-off in the earl's crusading fervour. The earl might well be the chosen receptacle for the seeds of the most holy revolution, but his true motives seemed to derive from more worldly and material considerations. The real crusading spirit of the Counter-Reformation appeared to Dr Sanders to be embodied in Viscount Baltinglass and Sanders secretly made plans to make his way to County Wicklow.\n\nDespite the events in Leinster, there was no respite from Pelham in Munster. Deserted by both relatives and allies, Eleanor interceded again with Pelham, tracing him to Askeaton, where he received her amid the ruins of her castle home. The harrowing circumstances of her life during the past year had taken their toll on the haggard figure who knelt before the Lord Justice to again plead her husband's cause. But the resolute and pitiless faces of Pelham and his assistant, Geoffrey Fenton, were mirrored in Fenton's report of the meeting: 'The Countess came in . . . but with the same impudencie wherewith she hath covered her face since her last breaking out with her husband; yet taketh she uppon her to worke hym to submission.' Pelham would not relent. Again he refused Eleanor permission to present her husband's case at court. There was no option but to keep the field, survive the winter and hope that the rumours that had begun to circulate about Pelham's impending recall proved true.\n\nMeantime Pelham's harassment continued unabated as he sought to isolate the fugitives from their remaining supporters. It was rumoured that Sir John had secretly conspired with Sir Warham St Leger, the newly appointed provost-marshal of Munster, to betray his brother and secure a pardon for himself, while Rory MacSheehy, a captain of the Desmond galloglass, was urged by Pelham to capture Dr Sanders. Pelham warned Lord FitzMorris not to succour the fugitives. 'You have had in your country', he wrote to him, 'the traitor earl, his wife, his brother and Sanders, whom you might have apprehended if you had listed.' To ensure FitzMorris's future actions, Pelham informed him that his two sons were to be detained 'until I may see some service done by you in delivering up some of the principal conspirators above named, dead or alive'.\n\nWhile the whispers and rumours flew, Garrett's half-brother, Sir James 'Sussex', was wounded on a plundering raid in Muskerry and captured by the Sheriff of Cork. He was delivered in chains to St Leger and imprisoned in Cork goal. After two months of physical and mental torture, Sir James was executed in October 1580, as St Leger reported to the Privy Council: 'Sir James of Desmond who (by direction of the Lord Deputie) I caused to be hanged drawen and quartered at the gates of this town . . . who yeelded to godward a better end than otherwise would have don if he had not dyed to death.' James had pleaded for summary decapitation. But the twenty-two-year-old rebel had instead to suffer the ignoble and gruesome form of execution reserved for traitors. He had faced his ordeal bravely. The English administration in Dublin noted his death and merely observed that 'the pestilent hydra hath lost another of his heads'.\n\nIn September 1580 Arthur, Baron Grey de Wilton took office as Lord Deputy. Pelham reluctantly surrendered the sword of office in the knowledge that he had failed to complete his mission against the Earl of Desmond and that the methods he had employed in Munster had found little favour at Court. Moreover, Admiral Winter had kept his word to Eleanor, and her letter had eventually reached the Queen. Elizabeth had little time for the Puritan fanaticism of Pelham and his kind, particularly where such zeal cost her money. Where loyalty could be purchased, even for a time, Elizabeth was willing to overlook political and religious shortcomings. She had scant regard for the Earl of Desmond; she cursed him roundly for being a drain on her resources, and wished him dead or in exile. Yet the Countess of Desmond's letter made the Queen question the appropriateness of Pelham's precipitate actions against the earl and his subsequent policy of annihilation which had accomplished little but to devastate one-quarter of her Irish realm. Pelham felt bitter about the criticism. His companion and aide, Sir Nicholas Malby, protested to the Queen's secretary on his behalf. It was unjustifiable, Malby stated,\n\n_that the wordes of an infamous woman, the wyfe of a proclaymed traytor herselfe a nowtorious traytoress, the great worcker of these wicked rebellions in the popes behalf should cary their credyt to deface the faythfull service of a dutyfull and honest servant_.\n\nBut Pelham's day had come and gone. Elizabeth dismissed his protests as more urgent and disturbing events unfolded.\n\nThe new, untried but impatient Lord Deputy carried the fight to Baltinglass and Fiach MacHugh O'Byrne, deep in the recesses of the Wicklow mountains, and thereby paid the penalty. At Glenmalure the O'Byrne kern and galloglass decimated Grey's raw English recruits. The effects of the victory were instantaneous. In the north O'Rourke and O'Donnell rose in revolt, while Turlough Luineach O'Neill prepared to attack the Pale with an army of 5,000 clansmen. His rival, the English-educated Hugh O'Neill, the Baron of Dungannon, hid himself in the woods and loudly protested his loyalty to Elizabeth 'even if all the Irishry in Ireland should rebel'. Sir John of Desmond besieged Maryborough and Ormond was attacked by the rebels. To add to the explosive situation Spanish aid arrived, undetected, at the ill-fated harbour of Smerwick.\n\nThe news of the uprisings and the arrival of the long-awaited aid from Spain spurred Eleanor and Garrett into action. The years of intrigue and subterfuge, of tears and humiliation, of deprivation, hunger and loss, seemed at last likely to be vindicated. The long, lonely vigil was over. The King of Spain had kept his word; the army of salvation had arrived. As they urged their horses over the steep mountain passes towards Dingle, the depression and misery of their situation momentarily lifted and Garrett swore to avenge the wrongs they had suffered. As they topped the last hill before the descent to D\u00fan an \u00d3ir, the promontory fort standing stark and windswept against the sea, their elation turned to disbelief. Instead of the army of well-appointed troops promised by Sanders, they saw a force of 700 'poor simple bisognos, very ragged and a great part of them boys'. Philip had sent aid to the crusaders in Ireland, but his interests in the Low Countries took precedence. It was significant that the majority of the troops were Italian. With the soldiers was Friar Mateo de Oviedo, the apostolic commissary, Friar Cornelius O'Mulrian, the papal Bishop of Killaloe, and some Jesuit preachers.\n\nIll-clothed and totally inexperienced in warfare, the soldiers quickly succumbed to the cold and damp of the Irish climate. Their leader, Sebastino di San Joseppi from Bologna, was equally incredulous to learn that the pale, sickly man who had to be lifted off his horse was the great Irish crusader who was to lead them to victory against the army of the English heretic queen. Philip had sent  sufficient arms for the 4,000-strong army promised him by the Earl of Desmond and Dr Sanders. Where was this great army the Italians wanted to know? They were assured that over the hills the army waited. But San Joseppi would never know that beyond the high peak of Slieve Mish lay a people decimated by war and famine, too hungry and unwilling to bear arms in a cause they did not understand.\n\nA massive confidence trick had been practised by both sides, for which each would pay a costly price. Sir John and Dr Sanders hurried to Smerwick and sent urgent messages back to Philip to the effect that nothing less than 8,000 well-equipped, experienced troops could ensure the success of the crusade. Rashly Garrett also outlined to the king the miserable circumstances of his situation, the seizure of his estates, his poverty, and how both he and his countess were daily driven from pillar to post in their own estates by the army of Philip's heretic sister-in-law. The effect of this plaintive tale on the cold, reserved king was no more than an indifferent shrug of the black-caped shoulders and a detached resolve to pursue Christ's crusade elsewhere, under the leadership of a less distressed leader.\n\nReports of the 'invasion' reached Dublin where Lord Deputy Grey, impatient to blot out the embarrassment of Glenmalure, joined forces with the Earl of Ormond and made for Dingle. The Golden Fort might yet provide him with the chance to restore his tarnished image. In Grey's army were Walter Raleigh, captains Zouche and Mackworth, while the poet Edmund Spenser acted as the Lord Deputy's secretary. At the beginning of November Grey pitched camp at Dingle. As the English army approached, the Desmond leaders and their supporters hurried away with empty promises of aid to the Italians. Admiral Winter sailed into Smerwick and cut off any chance of escape by sea. The siege of D\u00fan an \u00d3ir commenced. Initially the Italians flew the papal insignia from the fort. As the siege intensified, it was replaced by a black and white banner, a signal to the Geraldine army to attack the English in the rear. No army materialised and the Geraldine leaders remained hidden. The Italians sued for terms, but Grey would only consider an unconditional surrender, to which, it was controversially reported, San Joseppi agreed. Grey, the hero of Spenser's _Faerie Queene_ , the brave knight Artegal, then ordered Raleigh and Mackworth to implement, to the letter of the law, the prevailing rules of sixteenth-century warfare. The unarmed survivors of the siege, with the exception of a handful of officers, were mercilessly slaughtered.\n\nSix hundred died at Smerwick, a dreadful indictment of the subhuman cruelty of warfare, and the tragedy of broken promises and incomprehensible and ineffectual alliances. San Joseppi and his inexperienced youths were the sacrificial victims of the deviousness of international politics, fuelled by the raging flames of religious fanaticism. The shame of D\u00fan an \u00d3ir must rest on the Puritan shoulders of Lord Deputy Grey, but also on Dr Sanders and the Earl of Desmond, whose rash and empty promises had first lured and then abandoned the Italians to their fate. While Grey's action at Smerwick was sharply criticised by some factions at the English court, the Queen viewed it merely as a removal of another threat to the security of her realm. Accordingly she thanked and commended Grey for his endeavours. It is significant to note that there was no official remonstration by the Catholic powers, who, if the positions were reversed, would have probably acted likewise.\n\nFor Garrett Smerwick was the final, fateful step which placed him beyond all hope of redemption. His action made reconciliation with the Queen now virtually impossible. He had aroused the deepest anger in Elizabeth as he turned her greatest fear into stark reality by bringing England's most dreaded enemy into Ireland; for that the Queen would never forgive him. Garrett's great gamble had failed, and the fortunes of war were once again in England's favour. The risk of Spanish intervention in Ireland receded; the honour of the Crown had been bloodily restored; Turlough O'Neill no longer threatened the Pale; the Burkes of Connaught had been subdued; and Viscount Baltinglass, his cause clearly lost, was attempting to flee to the continent. Hope abounded that the tiresome Earl of Desmond might do likewise.\n\nFor Eleanor the d\u00e9b\u00e2cle of Smerwick proved her long-held misgivings. Dr Sanders and his religious crusade had pushed Garrett onto the wrong horse. But a strange change now occurred in her husband. After Smerwick the earl had parted company with Dr Sanders, each embittered by his brief association with the other. Released from the pretence of espousing a cause in which he had no real interest, Garrett reverted to the cause which was life itself to him, the defence of the power and privilege of his title. The Queen, who after Smerwick considered the earl to be of little consequence, was amazed when it was reported that the Earle of Desmond, who was thought to be either dead or fled, 'beginneth to appear and to show  himselfe, having assembled a great companie.' The foreign 'P\u00e1pa ab\u00fa!' exhortation of the crusade was replaced by the native war-cry of 'Shanid ab\u00fa!' as the Earl of Desmond prepared to lead his followers in the only real crusade he knew.\n\nFor Dr Sanders the long, dismal, aimless campaign in Ireland finally exacted its price. Totally disillusioned with the Gaelic leaders and their Gaelic ways, so different from the glorious crusade envisaged by FitzMaurice, the sodden woods and oozing bogs of Kerry had sapped the fiery zeal and burning energy of the scholarly agitator. While English steel for three long years had diligently sought his head, ironically it was the Irish ague and famine that eventually killed 'the supporting pillar of the Catholic faith' somewhere among the briary thickets of Clonlish wood in the damp spring of 1581.\n\nWhile Eleanor might well have been amazed at the change in her husband and his determination to continue the rebellion, her amazement was compounded by the policy of peace and reconciliation suddenly being preached by his bitter rival, the Earl of Ormond. For years Ormond had opposed and plotted against Garrett and aided officers of the Crown in the spoliation of his estates. The extent and ferocity of the expeditions perpetrated by the new breed of English officials and soldiers in Ireland now alarmed him. Munster had already suffered more than enough. But Grey and the avaricious freebooting captains in his retinue, eager for the spoils of war, would not be stopped. While the Earl of Desmond's estates and property were now easy pickings, Ormond could not help but wonder whether the greed and lust for land of the new breed of English military conquistadores would stop short at the lands of his enemy. Might equally greedy eyes be eventually cast on his own domain and questions raised regarding his extensive powers? Black Tom had to tread warily lest his hesitancy be interpreted as disloyalty and his estates subjected to the same fate as those of Desmond.\n\nDuring the winter months of 1580\u201381 Eleanor lay low. Garrett was determined to continue the fight, and his rekindled resolution had also tended to make him stronger physically. Consequently when, in April 1581, the Countess of Desmond and her sister presented themselves to Ormond at Cork city, the reasons for their appearance were again open to conjecture. Ormond authorised protections for both women. Eleanor was examined before the Munster Commissioners, among whom was her former jailer in London, Sir Warham St Leger. Asked if  she came on her husband's behalf, she replied 'that she was not authorised by him to sue for him but did it of her owne head'. She was then escorted back to her lodgings with instructions to commit her petition to paper. Ormond permitted her sister to depart to live under the custody of her brother, the Baron of Dunboyne. The real reasons for Eleanor's unexpected appearance at Cork became apparent. Her husband was determined to continue a campaign in which she had suffered immeasurably and, it was reasonable to assume, she could take no more of the physical fatigue and mental anguish. But her written petition reflects a more likely reason: that she might find in Ormond, who now also wished for a cessation of hostilities, a likely means to achieve access to the Queen. Despite his new-found pride and determination, she realised that her husband could not hold out much longer.\n\nIn her letter Eleanor requested permission to take her case to the Queen so 'that my travell maye be a meanes to brede a generall quiet into this province and precure mercie to my husbande nowe driven to distresse'. She did not directly request a pardon for her husband, as Garrett had forfeited that right by aligning himself with a foreign power. She merely requested that she be permitted to seek the Queen's mercy for herself and her husband. Her dilemma, she stated, was such that 'as nature tyeth me to the companie of my Lord my husbande (who so unhapely is fallen into her Maties heavie displeasure) yet', she assured them, 'my dutie remembered to her Matie'. She pleaded for the welfare and safety of her daughters who had suffered considerable distress and want during the course of their young lives. 'I doe also beseche your wisdom', she asked, 'that I may take my daughters with me into England or els to leave them with my ffrendes untyll my retorne out of England . . . to remaine free and not as prisoners.'\n\nOrmond forwarded her petition to the Lord Deputy and Council in Dublin, where it was received and endorsed by Grey's secretary, Edmund Spenser. Spenser was influenced in writing his epic _The Faerie Queene_ by his term of service with Lord Grey in Ireland and, it is believed, he based the character of the evil temptress Radigund on Eleanor. Grey and his Council were unmoved by Eleanor's petition and recoiled in assumed horror at what they termed 'so arrogant a petition made without submission or confession of her husband's horrible treason and her owne'. They accused her of\n\n_the treason of bringing in of strangers into this realme by the practize of her husband, and by all conjecture much furdered by her, hath in all reasonable opinion so aggravated her former offences as we see lesse cause nowe than before to graunt a matter so offensive to her highness_.\n\nGrey sought to continue the policy of his predecessor Pelham, to ensure that the Earl of Desmond would have no option but to continue in his rebellion, so that there could be no last-minute pardon from the Queen. Half a million acres of land was at stake, far too lucrative a prize to have snatched away by the tears of the rebel's wife. Grey ordered that Eleanor be sent back to her husband so that her presence might slow him down; otherwise, he argued, 'he maie go with as few companie as pleaseth him from wood to wood and from bogg to bogg or to Spaine or Scotland when to warrant further help . . . but', Grey reasoned, 'having hir in his train he cannot chuse whether he leaveth or goe'. It was Grey's opinion that the Earl of Desmond 'hath more care for the said Countesse and her traine to leave them than he hath of himself'.\n\nEleanor's case was not helped by the actions of Sir Warham St Leger, already with a foothold in Desmond land which he hoped to extend. His differences with the Earl of Ormond at this time were common knowledge; any sign that Black Tom favoured the rebel's wife would likely be seized upon by St Leger as proof of his disloyalty. He wrote to Lord Burghley, the Queen's chief secretary, to add a further impediment to Eleanor's passage to the Queen:\n\n_In my simple opinion, ther can no good growe of her going thither. I vow to God . . . I know her to bee as wicked a woman as ever was bred in Ireland and one that hath ben the chief instrument of her husband's rebellion. And if she bee licensed to go out, your lordship shall doo as good an act as ever you did in your life to this realme to cause hir hed to be stroken of or else to be kept in perpetuall ymprisonment_.\n\nThe cries of the avaricious became more strident against the slightest possibility which might deprive them of the prize so near their grasp. With the weight of official opinion firmly against her, Eleanor knew she was fighting a losing battle in her attempt to gain access to the Queen. Ormond was powerless, even if he wished, to help her and  Grey accused him of dangerous and suspicious tendencies and relieved him of his position as military governor of Munster. He also persuaded the Queen to exclude the Earl and Countess of Desmond and Sir John of Desmond from any amnesty. Thus, with Ormond sidelined and Eleanor barred from England, Grey ensured that the devastation in Munster would continue until the Earl of Desmond was taken dead or alive in rebellion. The scent of potential riches wafted stronger than the acrid stench of decaying corpses and scorched earth as the eager English bloodhounds leapt from the slips and tore after their prey.\n\nEleanor rejoined her husband in the wilderness for the final agonising phase of the war. She had done everything in her power to salvage something, anything, from the ruins. Stalked like wild beasts, she and Garrett went to ground. The long winter months of 1581\u20132 were, according to the annals, notable for 'great wind, constant rain, lightning and much tempestuous weather'. Like demented spectres they flitted across the decayed Munster landscape. They were pursued without respite by captain Zouche, an eager, uncompromising officer in the Munster service. He reported that he had almost caught the countess on several occasions, but Eleanor had merely lured his posse away from where her husband lay, too exhausted to flee further.\n\nTo the English soldiers who pursued her, the Countess of Desmond became an obsessive figure, dominating their gossip and nightmares. Stories of her evil, devious ways were peddled from camp-fire to camp-fire. She became the object of their fear, hatred and lust; the she-devil, the mythical harpy, a wanton woman. Was it true that under the pretence of seeking pardon from the Lord Deputy she had spied for the rebels? Was it not whispered that she was a witch? What self-respecting woman\u2014and a countess to boot\u2014would willingly live like a wild animal in the woods and bogs of this godforsaken country? The soldiers savagely cursed her as the incessant rain soaked them to the skin and quenched their camp-fires. They swore at her as they spat the spoiled biscuit and chewed the tainted, uncooked meat of their rations. They cursed her and the country that gave her birth as they vomited their guts out and shivered uncontrollably with ague and dysentery amid the oozing marshes and frozen mountain passes of Munster. Was it true that she traded her favours easily? The redrimmed, hungry eyes of the war-weary soldiers gloated at the prospect of her capture.\n\nIn the middle of a cold, misty November night the soldiers' desire was almost fulfilled. A scouting party from the nearby garrison at Kilmallock came upon an isolated wattle cabin hidden deep in a wood. Eleanor, her nerves as taut as the strings of a crossbow, heard the sound of movement outside. She roused her exhausted husband. There was no time to awaken the galloglass, who, shrouded in their great woollen cloaks, were asleep under the surrounding trees. Supporting her husband, Eleanor stumbled from the cabin and into the darkness. The clansmen sprang to arms and engaged the English soldiers in a fierce battle. Desperately Eleanor looked for an escape. Before her was the dark outline of a river, swollen by the winter deluges. Behind her the victorious shouts of the English as they put the galloglass to flight. There was no escape. Quickly she helped Garrett to the river bank and into the ice-cold water. The river rose almost to their chins which with difficulty they kept above the fast-flowing current. Hidden from sight by the overhanging bank, they waited. The soldiers surrounded the cabin, and captain Zouche entered to effect the capture of the wretched fugitives. A makeshift bed stood in the corner, the coverings still warm to the touch.\n\nZouche ordered a search for the occupants, convinced that they were still in the vicinity. The soldiers spread out. They came to the river and searched in the undergrowth above the bank. Beneath them Eleanor held the sagging body of her husband afloat, her body almost numb in the icy water. She could scarcely breathe. Finally Zouche called off the search, and in silent agony Eleanor waited until the last sounds of the English posse faded and the strong arms of the surviving galloglass came to her rescue to lift her from the river. Returning to the cabin, they found that Eleanor's clothing had been ripped to pieces and trampled into the mud by the frustrated soldiers. There was no time to recover. A voluminous Irish woollen mantle was wrapped about each of them, and they were carried into the night by the faithful Desmond retainers to seek another temporary shelter before sunrise.\n\nWhile Zouche was to be again denied the capture of the elusive earl and countess, it was he who was destined to draw first blood in the renewed campaign at the beginning of 1582. Since the massacre at Smerwick, the subsequent death of Dr Sanders and the flight to the continent of Baltinglass, Sir John of Desmond had remained in Munster. In early January he set out to rendezvous with the Seneschal  of Imokilly near Castlelyons, County Cork. On information received from a spy, Zouche lay in wait and, in the ensuing struggle, Sir John was killed by a spear thrown by his former servant named Fleming. Thus the life of a turbulent, unscrupulous and bold Geraldine was brought to a bloody end. Sir John was the most active leader of the Geraldines and, while he could be accused of many dark deeds and even darker designs, there was a certain decisiveness about his actions, in marked contrast to the vacillations of his elder brother. His antagonism to Eleanor and the deep mutual dislike that existed between them stemmed from many causes. Her Butler origins perhaps aroused his Geraldine prejudice; he resented her influence over Garrett; furthermore, she had borne his sickly brother an heir, thereby eliminating his own chances of succession.\n\nThe decapitated body of Sir John of Desmond was hung in chains over the main gate of Cork city. There it remained for almost three years, a grisly spectacle, until the skeletal remains were blown away into the river by a storm. Zouche despatched the head as a new year's gift to Grey in Dublin, while the Queen was presented with Sir John's 'fair torquoise [ring] set in gold'. His estates in County Cork were later granted to captain Thomas Norris and Sir Walter Raleigh, while the poet Edmund Spenser received the castle and lands of Kilcolman. The war-mongers and war correspondents of the long campaign were amply rewarded for their efforts.\n\nThe Earl of Desmond alone remained to carry on the resistance. It was confidently expected that he would capitulate. But the earl rarely did what was expected of him. There was to be no surrender on his part. Moreover, the remaining Geraldine supporters clung to him as their sole means of salvation. If the earl received a pardon, it would be conditional, and preserve his life only. The estates of his dependent lords and clansmen were likely to be expropriated and parcelled out to the land-hungry English freebooters as payment for their services. The earl had no option but to continue the rebellion, or at least stay alive, until aid came from abroad or until Elizabeth relented. Garrett had become a prisoner of his heritage and during 1582 his liegemen and followers once more flocked to his banner. There was growing unease at the continued policy of spoliation being pursued in Munster. Even former perpetrators of the destruction, hardened campaigners like Raleigh and St Leger, now echoed the Earl of Ormond's reservations for which they had previously condemned him. They expressed  concern over the scorched-earth policy of Grey when it seemed likely that the Desmond estates might be forfeited and divided among themselves. Elizabeth swore at her Lord Deputy who, despite the resources she had given him, had accomplished little. Desmond, the 'arch-rebel', still roamed free, and Munster was desolate.\n\nThe earl still held out and, as one observer noted, 'he continued still in his old accustomed spoiling and wasting the countries and trusting to no house nor castell did shrow himselfe in woods and bogs'. From his hiding-place, deep in the Glen of Aherlow, the earl reverted to attacks on his hereditary enemy, raiding the nearby lands of Ormond and skirmishing occasionally with the English patrols sent to track him down. Eleanor continued to accompany him and, as late as June 1582, Zouche reported yet another running encounter with the Countess of Desmond, whom he claimed he had 'distressed'.\n\nAlthough not named with Garrett in the original proclamation of 1579, Eleanor had loyally shared his hunted existence and had been on the run with him for over two years, enduring the greatest hardships imaginable. Her physical and mental health was near breaking-point. Her devotion and loyalty had been tried and tested in the icy waters of Munster's marshes and rivers, on the cold floors of huts and caves, in hunger and in the countless sleepless nights, when every rustle and stir in the dark heralded the end. She had faced the wrath and vengeance of the Crown as she strove to intercede and negotiate on her husband's behalf. Whether physically unable to bear the strain any longer, or, as is more likely, in yet another effort to intercede and seek some terms by which Garrett might yet surrender and survive, Eleanor appeared before Lord Deputy Grey at the English camp near Maryborough on 15 June 1582. Grey was moved by the emaciated woman who, in dirty ragged clothing, courageously stood before him to plead her husband's case. But with his usual self-righteousness and sense of duty, 'yet weighing the nature and quallitie of her actions and howe farre she might participate in the trayterous councelles and conspiracies of her husband', he had her conducted 'to the house of an honest merchant of Dublin there to remeine in estate of a prysoner untill . . . we might be directed how to dispose of her further'.\n\nIn semi-captivity in Dublin, Eleanor awaited her chance to intervene on her husband's behalf. But by now Elizabeth and her Privy Council wanted an end to the war, and an end to the troublesome Earl of Desmond. There were to be no further negotiations or time-  wasting interventions. Walsingham instructed Grey to withdraw the protection he had given Eleanor and ordered that she was 'to retourne back agayne to her said husband within a certain tyme', after which 'if shee happen to bee taken she must then bee subject to such punishment as the laws will laye uppon her for her conduct'. The Crown demanded the unconditional surrender of the Earl of Desmond so that his estates and property could be used to pay the expenses incurred by the war. His death, however, would also bring the same result. In the somewhat na\u00efve belief that Grey shared his desire for rapprochement, Walsingham advised him:\n\n_You should appoint some such person to delyver unto the countesse by wave of friendly advice that if she could persuade the said Earle her husband to come in and submitt him selfe simplie to her Maties mercie, the only waye hee can nowe take for his safetie, the Queen might then consider not only to leave him his liefe but also to use some further clemencie towardes him_.\n\nBut Grey neglected to put the Queen's offer to Eleanor, who was unaware that it had been made until some time later. Neither Grey nor his administration wished for any last-minute chances of reconciliation. Fortunes and reputations were at stake.\n\nDuring the summer months of 1582, while Eleanor awaited her fate in Dublin, she was allowed to visit her son, still incarcerated in Dublin castle. James was now eleven years of age, and Eleanor was greatly distressed at the conditions under which he was being detained. She wrote to Lord Burghley and reminded him that she had voluntarily placed her son in the Crown's care, but that the 'boy now remaineth in the Castell of Dublin, without any kynd of learninge or brenginge upp or any to attend uppon him. . . . In consideracion of his innocency and tender yeares', she asked that he should be transferred from the unsuitable environment of the Castle and sent to England where, she hoped, someone in power might take a friendly interest in his welfare and future. As her husband had forfeited his chance of retaining his title and estates, it was an appropriate time to remind the Crown of the existence of his son. If her husband's estates were attainted Eleanor hoped the Queen might agree to restore at least part of them, together with the hereditary Desmond title, to his son when he came of age, as she had done in the case of his kinsman  the Earl of Kildare. An English education and upbringing, as with Hugh O'Neill, might be the way to ensure her son's eventual succession to his inheritance. Her request for her son's removal to England was subsequently granted.\n\nForced to rejoin her husband on the run, Eleanor protested to the authorities against the decision which, she maintained, 'above all things in this world she abhoreth and ever hath and the greatest thing against her nature and bringing upp'. She again asked to be allowed to plead her case before the Queen, but the stern, immovable faces of Grey and the Council gave her her answer. The unconditional surrender of her husband was the only outcome they were prepared to accept. Wearily Eleanor returned to Garrett with the 'offer' of the Lord Deputy and Council. Infuriated, Garrett stepped up the tempo of his campaign against the Crown. He had now simply nothing to lose. A demonstration of power might yet induce the Crown to offer better terms to bring an end to the conflict. Moreover, the old Geraldine pride had been once again ignited, as he mounted his horse to instil the fire of battle into his war-weary liege lords and famine-stricken followers. All Geraldines who defied his call to arms were summarily dealt with. When informed that four of them had accepted Crown pardons, he ordered their arrest. They were brought before him and, it was reported, 'calling them traitors, he had them stripped naked and slashed to death by his kinsmen, every sword in the band taking part in their death'. 'So shall every Geraldine be served who shall not follow me,' the rebel earl decreed. His actions shed the last vestiges of the pseudo-ideologies that had motivated him previously. The ageold aspirations for supremacy and independence resurfaced as the Earl of Desmond mustered his hereditary men-at-arms in a final attempt to halt the march of time. 'Misery had given the man courage. . . . English ruthlessness threw him back into the life mould of the Gaelic captain.'\n\nSignificantly, as he had begun, Garrett took the fight to the territory of his rival, Black Tom of Ormond, and plundered Tipperary along the Suir valley to the borders of Waterford. At Knockgraffon, near Cahir, he soundly defeated Ormond's brothers to put a winning touch on the age-old Desmond-Ormond feud. He was supreme in the palatinate of Kerry, where the English garrisons cowered for cover. Garrett's old ally, the Seneschal of Imokilly, plundered east Cork and west Waterford and looted the Earl of Ormond's grand new house at Carrick-on-Suir.  The starving kern and weary galloglass flocked to the Earl of Desmond's standard in one final furious drive in defence of the archaic world that had bred and sustained them. Their overlord for the first time assumed the dignity and stature of a hero and, as such, was destined to become a legend in folk memory.\n\nBy now Eleanor's term of protection from Grey was drawing to an end. She had failed\u2014perhaps she had not wanted to succeed\u2014in persuading Garrett to seek a conference with the Lord Deputy and Council, who were now agreeable 'to meet the erle 20 myles from Dublin if shee by any persuasion may drawe her husband thither'. Eleanor requested an extension of her protection, and this was granted. She also asked for a ten-day truce for Garrett and his followers, but this was denied. Eleanor brought three of her daughters, Margaret, Joan and Katherine, into Cork city and obtained Crown protection for them. There she was enveloped in a web of intrigue and double-dealing. She obtained an interview with Sir Warham St Leger, who informed her that Garrett's life might be spared but that his restoration was not negotiable. St Leger knew better than anyone that such terms were repugnant to the earl, and, in any event, he had no desire to see the earl reconciled with the Crown and risk losing a slice of the Desmond estates.\n\nAt the same time as his offer to Eleanor, St Leger warned the Privy Council in England: 'Desmond if received to mercy, will ever be a hollow-hearted subject.' He informed the Queen that Desmond had embarked on a new conspiracy with Spain and was planning another invasion. But Elizabeth was weary of the long campaign and was still susceptible 'to have the rebellion ended without blood'. She urged that Desmond be induced to surrender. But too much blood had already been shed, and the Queen's hopes were frustrated by her officers' greed, as well as by the earl's new-found enthusiasm for the fight.\n\nIt is ironic that the saga of the fall of the House of Desmond should be terminated by the self-same feud with which it had started. While Elizabeth had run out of money, ideas, and patience regarding the Desmond rebellion, the old rivalry between two Irish lords would achieve what her best administrators and military men had failed to do. And thus she left it to her old friend, Black Tom, to bring the bitter war to an end. Despite the misgivings of her officials in Ireland, she appointed him Lord General, with a force of a thousand soldiers and  power to grant pardons to all rebels in the Earl of Desmond's camp. By this time the plight of Munster had become desperate. The famine raging there for many months now spread across the country to the walls of Dublin city. In Munster, particularly towards the west, the situation was beyond belief. 'The lowing of a cow or the voice of a ploughman was not heard from Dingle to the Rock of Cashel,' the annalists recorded.\n\nOrmond's plan was to confine the Earl of Desmond to one locality, preferably within Kerry, which had suffered particularly severely from famine. From Clonmel, Ormond drove Garrett, Eleanor and their followers before him westward, while the English garrisons of Limerick and Kilmallock attacked Desmond's seneschal. One by one the earl's allies deserted him and accepted the pardons offered. The Baron of Lixnaw submitted, as did lords Roche and Barry. The greatest blow to the Desmond cause came when Garrett's long-time ally, the Seneschal of Imokilly, fearful for the welfare of his only son, then in the custody of St Leger, made his submission to the Earl of Ormond.\n\nDeserted, but for a few galloglass and retainers, Garrett and Eleanor made the exhausting journey once more over the mountains into Kerry and were hunted day and night without respite. Eleanor's female attendants were captured by the soldiers while, aided by a heavy fog, Eleanor and Garrett barely effected their escape. Garrett's health had further deteriorated, and the galloglass now took turns to carry their lord on their shoulders to evade the relentless hunters who sniffed the scent of the kill. Eleanor sought to negotiate for terms, but Ormond would not agree to anything less than Desmond's unconditional surrender. Ormond had also joined the ever-increasing pack who clamoured for the anticipated spoils. Claiming all the Desmond estate, on the grounds that his mother was the sole heir of the eleventh Earl of Desmond, his enemies sought to discredit him at court. 'The Lord Generall', it was said, '. . . sometime useth speech of a title he hath to all Desmond's lands and seemeth to think he hath well deserved the same, though he had no title thereunto.'\n\nThe extent of the despair and the hopeless sense of isolation of the Earl of Desmond was revealed in his unprecedented appeal for help to his bitter rival Ormond. Abandoned in the wilderness by his friends, he now turned to his enemy as a last resort:\n\n_As I may not condemn myself of disloyalty to her Majesty, [he wrote to Ormond] so cannot I excuse my faults, but must confess that I have incurred her Majestie's indignation; yet when the cause and means which were found and devised to make me commit folly shall be known to her Highness, I rest in an assured hope that her most gracious Majestie will both think of me as my heart deserveth and also of those that wrung me into undutifulness, as their cunning devise deserveth_.\n\nAs Black Tom qualified for the latter category, he refused Desmond's offer to parley without first receiving his total surrender. In vain Eleanor pleaded Garrett's abhorrence to be 'destrainte of libertie, a thing' which she well knew 'he can not indure for he acounteth it more greyvous than death'. But Ormond's reply was to pursue the campaign with increased ferocity. The tally of 'traitors put to the sword' mounted. Captains, galloglass, constables and kern fell at the hands of Ormond's army. Rumours reached Ormond that Desmond intended to escape by sea to Spain and he tracked him deep inside the palatinate of Kerry. Through Castleisland, Castlemaine and on into Dingle, Ormond's forces encountered little resistance from a people beaten by war, want and hunger and whose lord, like a wild animal, had been reduced to live in the wastelands of his once vast lordship.\n\nFinally, towards the middle of June 1583, Eleanor came before the Earl of Ormond and submitted unconditionally. Ormond reported to the Queen that the countess 'put her self holye to your majesties mercye', and added: 'This poer lady lamenteth greatlye the follye and lewdness of her husband whome reason could never rule.' While Eleanor might well have lamented, it was, perhaps, not for the reason which Ormond felt obliged to report to Elizabeth, but because she had said her final farewell to Garrett. In the wild wastes of Slieve Logher, where they had taken a last refuge together, they had decided to part. He had become hampered by her presence and needed total freedom of movement if he was to continue to evade his pursuers. At least that was the excuse he chose so that she might be spared the fate that hourly awaited him. She was the mother of his heir, whose future safety would require all her energy and intelligence, if something was to be salvaged from the ruins. Her health was beginning to feel the effects of the long years of hardship. Her durability and resilience could only be marvelled at. She had withstood, without protest, hunger and deprivation. She had shared her husband's brief glory and  long humiliation. More politically able than he, she had never openly criticised his oftentimes inexplicable behaviour and actions; instead she had worked to expose the devious plots of his relatives and Crown officials; and in her dealings with the Crown she had shown no little diplomatic skill. As Garrett watched his countess disappear from view, the fighting spirit must finally have evaporated from his emaciated body. Without her, it would be as much as he could do, to hide from the bloodhounds that were fast following behind him.\n\nThe long hunt finally came to an ignoble end within the recesses of Garrett's treasured palatinate. At the beginning of November 1583 he was run to ground with about twenty of his followers in the wood of Glanageenty in the parish of Ballymacelligot, about eight kilometres east of Tralee. Ironically, in view of what was to occur there, it was the country of the O'Moriartys, among whom Garrett had been fostered as a child. His remaining galloglass captain, Goram MacSweeney, had been captured and executed by Ormond. The Earl of Desmond now lay exhausted, 'concealed in a hut, in the cavern of a rock', while his followers scoured the barren countryside for sustenance. On the southern shore of Tralee Bay they seized a number of cattle, the property of Maurice O'Moriarty, pillaged his house and assaulted his wife. The O'Moriartys were incensed and sought the assistance of the English garrison at Castlemaine.\n\nAccompanied by six English soldiers, the O'Moriartys tracked the cattle to Glanageenty. They fanned out, and one of them, Owen O'Moriarty, climbed a hill which overlooked the steep glen below. A fire flickered in the distance. As the first light of dawn on 11 November gleamed fitfully through the swirling morning mists, they attacked the camp in the glen. The guards ran for their lives. The attackers entered the cavern, where an old man was asleep on the ground beside the fire, attended by two frightened young boys and a woman. The old man roused himself. A soldier of the garrison, Daniel Kelly, lunged with his sword at the slowly rising figure, almost cutting off his arm, while another hit him a glancing blow to the head. 'I am the Earl of Desmond,' the old man cried out. The attackers were astounded. They had stumbled across the most wanted fugitive in memory. Visions of the bounty offered for his capture, dead or alive, spurred them into action before the earl's followers could regroup and return. Kelly bound the earl and they tried to drag him through the woods. But Garrett could not walk and the wound in his arm was  bleeding profusely. After a hurried conference, Kelly raised his sword a second time and decapitated the earl. With the grisly trophy clutched in his hand, Kelly and the rest hurried back to Castlemaine to claim their reward.\n\nThe head of the Earl of Desmond was sent to Kilkenny, from where Ormond forwarded the prize to the Queen.\n\n_God of his goodness who be praised for ever hath answered your L. expectations [he wrote to the Privy Council] by cutting of that wicked member whose head I have thought good to send by this bearer to her Matie as a profe of the happie ende of his rebellion_.\n\nElizabeth eyed the head of the Earl of Desmond in death as coldly as when alive and ordered it to be impaled on London Bridge. Ormond ordered a search for the earl's body, but loyal Desmond retainers concealed the remains and later interred them in a small chapel at Kilnamanagh near Castleisland. The 'old' Earl of Desmond was in fact just fifty-one years of age at the time of his death.\n\nEleanor received the news of Garrett's death at Kilkenny where she resided with her daughters under the protection of the Earl of Ormond. Whether she was shown the ghastly trophy as it was prepared for despatch to England is unknown. Perhaps, despite the cruel and often barbaric customs of the time, she was spared the ultimate anguish. The sense of inevitability about the outcome of the long struggle against both time and the Crown, and the future daunting role to salvage something for herself and her family from the wreckage, perhaps helped ease the pain and sense of loss at Garrett's cruel end. She had done everything in her power to avert the catastrophe. Her wayward husband had become a prisoner of his pride, of his heritage and of the past, with dreadful consequences for himself and his family. As yet Eleanor had only begun to reap the bitter harvest he had sown.\n\n'And thus', a contemporary chronicler recorded, 'a noble race and ancient familie descended from out of the loines of princes is now for treasons and rebellions utterlie extinguished and overthrowne.' The dead earl had bequeathed a terrible legacy to Munster, to his wife and children, and to his dependent followers. 'And as for the great companies of souldiers, gallowglasses, kerne and the common people who followed the rebellion,' the chronicle continues,\n\n_the numbers of them are infinite, whose blouds the earth dranke up and whose carcases the foules of the aire and the ravening beasts of the feeld did consume and devoure. After this followed an extreme famine, and such as whom the sword did not destroie, the same did consume and eat out_.\n\nThe death of the Earl of Desmond closed the final chapter in the history of medieval Munster. In death Garrett inadvertently attained the greatness and prestige that eluded him during his life. For tradition and literature chose to depict him as one of the great symbolic patriotic figures of history. In a perceptive comment on the process, Se\u00e1n O'Faolain has written:\n\n_Natural tradition, reaching above individual human weakness, translated him into one whose equal was not in nobility, honour and power. It is fantastically untrue, and yet in its truth is the power and poetry of Ireland, and in its untruth her indifference to all her children whom she sacrifices ruthlessly to her needs_.\n\nBut the facts reveal the personal ambitions and the defects that motivated Desmond in his campaign against the Crown. The absence of any ideological stimulus does not detract from his actions. On the contrary it helps us sympathise and identify with the basic human urge to retain power and patrimony and to survive, an urge that compelled him to strive against the tide of time and give meaning to the tribalistic war-cry of his house, 'Shanid ab\u00fa!'\nChapter 8\n\nThe Pauper Countess\n\n_I and my childrin have tasted of so moche myserie_\n\n_thattt I protest unto your honnor I knowe no waye_\n\n_howe to preserve me and them from perishing by_\n\n_famyne except her Matie do nott relieve us._\n\nELEANOR, COUNTESS OF DESMOND, TO LORD BURGHLEY, 4 SEPTEMBER 1585\n\nThe death of the Earl of Desmond and the end of the rebellion were causes for public celebration in Cork, Waterford, Limerick, Galway and Dublin. Garrett's death was hailed as a joyful deliverance from years of turmoil and devastation. If a sense of loss and sadness was felt by the adherents of the House of Desmond, it was expressed in secret. The earl's allies, one by one, submitted and accepted the pardons offered them by the Earl of Ormond. The galloglass and kern hid their weapons and lay low until a new leader might emerge from the ruin and require their services in a new conflict. The terrified tenantry and peasantry crept out of the woods and mountain refuges and returned to the plough to till the despoiled land and to await the arrival of new masters. 'Munster had suffered a violent upheaval, and time was needed to organise the new departure which, from the viewpoint of the state as beneficiary of the FitzGerald collapse, the occasion demanded.' The Earl of Desmond, possessor of a great estate, had been slain _in flagrante bello_ , and this 'was deemed and constitued an immediate attainder, in which instance the heir was irrevocably bound'. Desmond's rebellion and subsequent death 'threw into the hands of the Crown the vast tracts forfeited by the earl and his adherents and which were now to be parcelled out to new possessors'. But before the spoils of victory could be distributed among the waiting  freebooters and adventurers, a commission of survey was first established to determine the precise title and extent of the lands claimed by successive earls of Desmond. The potential prize, over half a million acres of Munster, was worth the brief delay.\n\nWhile the legal wrangles regarding the appropriation of her late husband's property got under way, Eleanor attempted to pick up the broken pieces of her life. She was thirty-eight years old, in the prime of life, yet with the vicissitudes and deprivations of a lifetime behind her. But her agony was not over. Her circumstances were difficult and her future uncertain. As the wife of a rebel, she could expect little sympathy for her plight. As an active participant in the rebellion, she knew that her life could yet be in jeopardy should the full force of the law be brought to bear. She rested for a time with her daughters, under the protection of the Earl of Ormond at Clonmel, and waited for the dust to settle. She was accompanied by a few female attendants, some Desmond retainers and her confidant and friend, Morris Sheehan. Her son was still a prisoner in Dublin Castle, but arrangements to have him transferred to the Tower of London were in train\u2014and for reasons other than the furtherance of his education, as Eleanor had initially requested. The rightful heir to the Desmond estates might be more easily forgotten if concealed in the tombs of the Tower, where his sequestered existence might be less likely to trouble the conscience of those about to perpetrate one of the greatest frauds in history. The prospect of salvaging something for her son from the ruins of his inheritance seemed remote, but Eleanor never dismissed a chance, no matter how slim, in the cause for which she had fought and schemed so desperately.\n\nDespite the antagonism of the Butlers towards her husband, Black Tom was content to allow her and her daughters remain in sanctuary in Ormond. He also urged the Crown to adopt a policy of reconciliation and to honour the pardons he had granted the rebels. 'Deal earnestlye with her highness', he asked Burghley, 'that no new devices be wrought to thrust those into a new rebellion, whiche have beehaved them selfes dutifullye and done service sins their submissions.' Ormond's concern, however, arose not merely from a desire for reconciliation but from a deep-rooted sense of self-protection.\n\nEleanor hoped that the reconciliatory policy preached by Ormond would enable her to recover something from the wreck of her  husband's estate. With this in view, in December 1583 she solicited Ormond's assistance to secure a formal pardon for herself and her family and to lodge a claim to part of the forfeited estates. Ormond was willing to secure her a pardon and wrote to the Lords Justices in Dublin on her behalf: 'My very good LLs. the Countess of Desmond hath beene an ernest sutor unto me to writt to your LLs for pardon.' However, regarding her intention to secure part of her husband's estate, Ormond was less enthusiastic. 'She clameth', he wrote, 'to have a great porcion of therle of Desmond's lands for her joyntor.' In an attempt to prohibit her from making a claim to her husband's estate, the Irish Privy Council curtly signified to Ormond 'their disapproval of any pardon to the Countess of Desmond'. But Eleanor refused to be deterred and persuaded the earl to plead her case for a pardon directly to the Queen. In January 1584 she met with qualified success when the Queen notified the Dublin administration:\n\n_We are also content that the lady of Desmond shall have her pardon with some such conditions annexed thereto as shall be thought convenient for her quiet behaviour_.\n\nElizabeth could well afford to be magnanimous in victory. A pardon was an insignificant exchange for one of the greatest prizes that had ever fallen into her lap.\n\nBy now the clamour of claims to the escheated estates had reached a crescendo, and Eleanor's tentative approaches were pushed aside. The hordes of undertakers, adventurers, Crown administrators and soldiers who queued up for the great pay-off were joined by the remnants of the House of Desmond, seeking their share of the spoils. Garrett's elder half-brother, Thomas Roe FitzGerald, whose claim to the earldom had been disallowed in 1558 in favour of Garrett, now came forward, together with his son James. They petitioned the Queen to restore them to the Desmond estates, which they claimed were rightfully theirs. They further argued that since neither had supported the Earl of Desmond in the late rebellion, there was no impediment to their case. Their pleas, however, fell on deaf ears. Eleanor again entered the fray with a claim to lands in Limerick. Ormond notified the Crown of her intent. 'She claymeth', he wrote, 'to have had a conveyance from her husband afore his entering into rebellion for the most part of his land in the County of Limerick.' Whether the conveyance was actually  produced or not is uncertain, but her claim was taken so seriously by the Irish Privy Council that they withheld her pardon until the matter could be satisfactorily resolved in favour of the Crown.\n\nEleanor and her daughters were still living on charity, and their future position and welfare in Ormond had become precarious. They could not remain there indefinitely. Already Eleanor's persistent claims to the forfeited estates of her husband had embarrassed her current protector and threatened his own claim to the lands. Consequently, during the early months of 1584, the Council in Dublin brought pressure to bear on Eleanor to forfeit whatever claims she was reported to have to her late husband's estate. 'Before I could receive my pardon', she later testified, 'I was fayne to enter into recognizences of \u00a310,000 that neither my self nor eny other to my use shall make tytle, challenge or entrye, to any dower, jointor or thirds of eny parte of my husband's lands.' She was further obliged to agree that neither she 'nor eny of my five comfortles children shall nott departe this realme, neither can I obtayne licens to go in to England to be a petitioner to her Matie'. The policy of alienation implemented against her husband was to be continued against his widow and children lest the Crown relent and deprive the waiting hordes of avaricious entrepreneurs of even the smallest part of the great prize. Denied the restitution of her dowry price she was condemned to live on the charity of others. Ormond was ordered to provide 'a diet of 10d per diem for her self her daughters and weeman', and on this meagre subsistence the Countess of Desmond and her household were expected to exist.\n\nShe was abandoned by the Gaelic world whose cause her husband had sought to champion. Few of his Gaelic and gaelicised allies wished to associate with or be seen to assist the traitor's wife. Her brother, the Baron of Dunboyne, also deserted her in her need. The English-educated James Butler had matured in the mould of his overlord Black Tom. He had little sympathy or tolerance for the Gaelic world that had absorbed his brother-in-law and brought about his downfall. He had become a prominent member of the 'Old English' aristocracy, loyal to the Crown and more concerned with matters of land and title than attempt to hold back the tide of time in defence of an outmoded way of life. For Dunboyne the enemy was not the Crown but the new breed of English adventurers whose appetite for land and wealth might not be appeased merely by the acquisition of the attainted lands  of his rebel brother-in-law. To succour a rebel's wife and children, even one's own sister, might well be used by the enemy to discredit him with the Crown. Moreover, Eleanor had quarrelled with her brother over his refusal to give up lands bequeathed to her by her father as part of her dowry and which she had entrusted to her brother before the rebellion. As ever, Eleanor was left with little option but to rely on her own efforts and wits in the continuing battle to survive.\n\nFor almost a year Ireland had been administered by two Lords Justices until, in June 1584, Sir John Perrot eventually assumed the office of Lord Deputy. On his departure from England, the Queen imparted to him her usual impossible requirements for 'good' government in Ireland: 'to increase the revenue without oppressing the subject, to reduce the army without impairing its efficiency, to punish rebels without driving them to desperation, and to reward loyal people without cost to the Crown'. The most pressing issue facing Perrot was the settlement of the Desmond estates; and the knowledge of Munster that he had acquired during his term as President there made him a suitable candidate for the job. In June a commission to survey the escheated lands was established under the Vice-Treasurer Sir Henry Wallop, Sir Valentine Browne, Surveyor-General Ashford and two auditors. Wallop was an able property administrator, and the work of the commission progressed steadily. It is significant that, like many of his fellow-administrators in the Irish service at the time of the Desmond collapse, Wallop was richly rewarded from the escheated estates, being later granted the ancient Geraldine seats of Askeaton, Adare and Croom.\n\nPerrot's attention was initially diverted to Ulster where he took the field against a force of Scots mercenaries whom he suspected of being part of a plot concocted by the king of Scotland against Elizabeth. After a brief but ineffective campaign, which elicited a sharp rebuke from Elizabeth against 'such rash unadvised journeys', Perrot returned to Dublin and prepared to summon the first parliament to be held since 1569.\n\nEleanor had alerted the Lord Deputy to her plight, and initially Perrot seemed well-intentioned towards her. He ordered that she and her family should be removed to his custody and that provision be made for them in Dublin. But he was in some doubt as to what to do about her long-term future. 'We think her estate to be verie bare,' he informed the Queen, 'and much she lamenthed and desyreth to be  sent over to your Matie. We have no warrant to proceide against hir by lawe, to send her over, to bayle her or relieve her.' He requested the Queen 'to geve some direction concerninge her'. While he awaited instructions he had Eleanor and her entourage brought from Clonmel and housed within the precincts of Dublin Castle. Eleanor's plight was indeed pressing. Without money or means, abandoned by friends and relations, she had been reduced to the status of a beggar.\n\n_So as I and my children have lived in such calamitie than if my lo: Deputie had nott taken pittie of me and them in relevinge us owtte of his Lops: kitchin we might have starved with honger: for in my necessitie all my kinsmen and frends have utterly forsaken me_.\n\nIn Dublin Castle Eleanor visited her son, then awaiting his imminent transfer to London. Now thirteen, James was old enough to comprehend the enormity of the tragedy that had befallen his house, with such disastrous consequences for his own future. For a fleeting moment Eleanor was reunited with her pitiful son, to whom she could give no tidings of freedom or hope, and whose future she could only expect to be as miserable as his short past, a life of captivity and exploitation. As the day of his departure loomed nearer, Eleanor pleaded with Perrot that her son should be accompanied to London by his nurse and one of his sisters. Little attention was given to the fate of the heir of Desmond. In Ireland men were too busy in a fierce struggle for land to concern themselves about the fortunes of a child whose patrimony had evaporated, whose legitimate place was taken by another, and who would have been\u2014even had he a lordship to succeed to\u2014'equally set aside as from his youth unfit to command in troubled times so powerful a sept'. The dark vaults of the Tower of London closed over the child who was fated to spend sixteen long years in captivity, forgotten and ignored by the powers to whose care he had been entrusted. Eleanor and her daughters continued their life of humiliation and despair in Dublin Castle, defenceless and destitute, fed by the morsels that fell their way from the Lord Deputy's table.\n\nPerrot convened a parliament in April 1585. Twenty-seven counties were represented, mainly by the 'Old English' group. While some Gaelic chieftains were present in both houses, and others were invited to attend as observers, most Gaelic-held areas were not represented. Dublin was _en f\u00eate_ for the occasion, and the narrow cobbled streets  were thronged with lords, chieftains and their retinues. Eleanor looked on with the rest at the parade of Gaelic chieftains and anglicised lords dressed in their obligatory English apparel. She saw her husband's old fellow-conspirator, Turlough O'Neill, choking in the doublet and hose of his new-found allegiance, yet prepared to put on the loyal show to preserve his interests. Beside him rode the greatest single threat to his position in Ulster, his second cousin, the English-educated Earl of Tyrone, Hugh O'Neill, who had been well rewarded for his contrived loyalty, his help in suppressing the rebel Earl of Desmond, and his participation in the savagery that had subdued and despoiled Munster. Thither came Eleanor's brother, her brother-in-law the Earl of Clancar, and the former friends, allies and liege lords of her husband, as they trooped into Perrot's parliament to vote for the formal attainder of their former overlord. But Eleanor could scarcely blame them for their sudden conversion. As she had long counselled her husband, survival was the key, and adaptation was the means to survive. Loyalty to an antique and doomed world was a luxury which could no longer be afforded.\n\nThe parliament was an acrimonious one. Perrot was thwarted by antagonistic officials in his own administration and by the lords of the Pale, who continued to oppose the Crown's intent to replace the old system of cess by a land tax. Perrot was opposed and failed also in his attempt to enact a measure suspending Poynings' Law which, if successful, would have enabled legislation to be passed by the Irish parliament without recourse to England. Religion, for the first time, began to emerge as a divisive political measure. Until then the Crown had been prepared to tolerate religious divergence in Ireland because it feared that any attempt to impose the reformed religion would lead to even greater civil unrest. 'It was more important that the Queen should rule Ireland than that Ireland should abandon the Pope.' But now, with the ideological struggle between Catholicism and Protestantism encroaching on the political issues of the day, and with the power of Spain threatening her throne, Elizabeth was forced to change her ambivalent attitude. Catholic Ireland was a danger to Protestant England's security. By their intervention in the Desmond rebellions Philip II and the Pope had already attempted to capitalise on this fact. While the more radical Puritan elements in both the Irish and English administrations sought the implementation of laws against recusants in Ireland, Perrot well realised that, for the moment,  sheer strength of numbers alone ensured 'the impossibility of coercing the majority into conformity', and plans for the introduction of penal legislation were, for the moment, postponed. But Perrot's temporising attitude and generally pacific policy towards the Gaelic lords and chieftains, combined with his public antagonism to the more radical elements within his own administration, provoked the latter's enmity and were eventually to lead to his downfall.\n\nIn the second session of the new parliament the long-awaited bill of attainder against the late Earl of Desmond and his adherents was introduced. Whether Eleanor was involved in the subsequent attempt to prevent the attainder of her husband and to have the Desmond estates returned to her, in trust for her son, is uncertain. However, given her astute political knowledge and her ability to negotiate and intrigue as well as the next, it is likely that she plotted and was party to this final attempt to secure that for which she had endured and sacrificed so much. To thwart her potential claims to the estates, a measure was first pushed through parliament by the government. It stipulated 'that all conveyances made, or pretended to be made, by any person attainted within thirteen years before the Act, shall be entered on record in the Exchequer within a year, or be void'. Before the bill of attainder could be introduced, however, Sir John FitzEdmund FitzGerald rose in the chamber and submitted the original feoffment 'by which the late Earl of Desmond had placed all his estates in trust for his wife and son, at a time when he was wholly free from all taint of rebellion'.\n\nThere was uproar in the house. Panic-stricken potential grantees clamoured for an explanation. Sir Henry Wallop was speedily despatched to determine whether the late earl's deed of association with his adherents, signifying his intention to rebel, had been signed by him _before_ the execution of the enfeoffment of his lands. If it had, then by the terms of the new act, the earl was deemed to have forfeited his estate. If, however, the date of the feoffment preceded that of the document containing the deed of association, then the Crown's claim to the Desmond estate was invalid. 'In the entire collection of the State Papers of England, no document exists that was of equal importance as to its absolute correctness of date, as this one, for on none other ever depended the transfer of estates so vast and so valuable.'\n\nThe feoffment, as preserved among the Carew Papers in Lambeth Palace, bears the date of 10 September 1574, while the deed of  association is dated 18 July 1578, four years later. Wallop claimed that the deed of association bore the incorrect date and should have read 18 July 1574, thus putting it 'seven weeks earlier than the execution of the feoffment'. He based his conclusion on the contents of the first sentence of the deed of association, which reads: 'Whereas the earl had assembled his kinsmen and others after his coming out of Dublin . . .' This, he contended, referred to the earl's escape from detention in Dublin in November 1573.\n\nGiven the fortune that depended on the issue, as well as the anxiety of the Crown and the avaricious expectations of the waiting undertakers and speculators, it is not beyond the bounds of reason to suspect the authenticity of Wallop's evidence. It certainly seems strange that the matter was only raised in the first place because Sir John FitzEdmund FitzGerald, who had been a signatory to the deed of feoffment, was convinced that a miscarriage of justice was about to be perpetrated against the Countess of Desmond and her son. Throughout the duration of the Desmond rebellion FitzEdmund had been a model of loyalty to the Crown and had dissociated himself completely from the rebellion of his kinsman. He explained his actions regarding the feoffment to Sir Francis Walsingham as having no ulterior motive other than a sense of justice and fair play: 'I thought it my parte to tell, onely in discharge of my conscience and honestie before God and the worlde, not as a thinge I wished allowed.'\n\nFitzEdmund's efforts were doomed to failure. Parliament accepted Wallop's theory. The final attempt to prevent the forfeiture of her husband's estates and title came to nought, leaving Eleanor and her children ostracised. Had she succeeded then 'the vast estates of the earl must have slipped through the fingers, matchless for their tenacity, of Her Majesty, and a multitude of enterprising English gentlemen must have returned home' empty-handed. The act of attainder of the Earl of Desmond and his chief supporters 'and the vesting of their lands, without inquisition, in the Crown', was passed without a whisper of protest from the Gaelic and gaelicised chieftains and lords present, much to the relief of the potential colonists who lined up for the division of the spoils.\n\nAfter the attainder of her husband and the confiscation of his estates, the fortunes of Eleanor and her family rapidly deteriorated. Perhaps to punish her for attempting to prevent the forfeiture, Sir John Perrot withdrew his assistance, and Eleanor and her daughters  were thrown onto the streets of Dublin and on the charity of anyone touched by their plight. Most of her acquaintances resolutely turned their backs. However, she still retained her astute insight into the political arena and her ability to exploit the many factions and coteries that it comprised. She turned for help to Perrot's implacable enemy, Adam Loftus, the Archbishop of Dublin, who agreed to alert the Crown to the extremity of her circumstances in Dublin.\n\n_I assure you [he wrote to Burghley] hir case (being chargid with childrin) is so miserable that seldom the lyke hath bene sene in a woman of hir calling. All hir frends . . . have quite forsaken hir: so as if yor L, with the rest of that honorable board, be not a mean to hir Matie, to grant unto hir some portion to releive hir and hir childrin, there is no doubt but that shortly they all will goo a beginge_.\n\nBut the government was reluctant to come to her aid. As the winter drew near, the cold, unfriendly streets of Dublin held more terror for Eleanor than the wastelands of Munster. She was heavily in debt to merchants and traders in the city and her credit was fast running out. The desperation of her plight as she scrounged food and clothing for her needy children she conveyed in a letter to Burghley:\n\n_I and my childrin have tasted of so moche myserie thatt I protest unto your honnor I knowe no waye howe to preserve me and them from perishing by famyne except her Matie do nott relieve us_.\n\nBut winter came and went without any assistance from the Crown. With her ragged, frightened children clutched around her, she tramped the streets of Dublin in search of sustenance. In a city that had recently felt the effects of famine, for which her husband was blamed, few doors were opened to her, and the faces of the citizens were as cold as the icy winds that blew through the narrow streets. Once again she wrote to remind Burghley of her wretchedness and poverty:\n\n_At the present time my miserie is such that my children and myself liveth in all wante of meat drinke and clothes, having no house or dwellinge wherin I with them may rest, neither the aid of Brother or kinsman to relieve oure necessitie which is so myserable that I see my poore children in manner starve before me_.\n\nThe memory of her husband's rebellion and of her personal involvement in it were, however, still vivid at court. Walsingham had never favoured the Earl of Desmond or his house, and his dislike of Garrett was transferred to his widow. Memories of the effects of the rebellion were constantly recalled, as in December 1585, when the Crown rewarded the Earl of Desmond's executioner, Daniel Kelly, 'in consideration of his having slain the traitor Desmond'. The Queen incessantly bemoaned the vast amounts expended in the suppression of the rebellion. And as the extent of the damage and devastation of the forfeited Desmond estate became apparent, there were growing doubts as to whether the land would ever recompense the Crown for the outlay it had expended in securing it.\n\nBut Elizabeth was also confronted with more urgent and important issues in England which diverted her attention from Ireland and from the pleas of an impoverished Irish countess. Around her the tempo of national and international intrigue had reached a crescendo. Plots against the security of her realm and conspiracies against her life daily ebbed and flowed. A plot among English Catholic gentry, aided and abetted by the Spanish ambassador to England, to assassinate her, had earlier been uncovered. The plot hinted at the involvement of the Queen's cousin, Mary Stuart, who despite being kept under close confinement in Sheffield, continued to scheme against her cousin with unrelenting enthusiasm, conspiring with the King of Spain, the Pope, the Duke of Guise, and her son James VI of Scotland. Mary attracted the attention of the international conspiracy which sought Elizabeth's overthrow. Every scheme had hitherto been unsuccessful; nevertheless, Mary, who 'seemed to thrive on adversity and derived renewed hope from every defeat', persevered. As the prospect of war with Spain grew ever more likely, and the plots against Elizabeth grew more desperate, Protestant feeling in England, both among the people and in the parliament, against Mary Stuart and her foreign Catholic fellow-conspirators, grew. Puritan opinion demanded her head, and Elizabeth's counsellors cautioned that she was sheltering within her kingdom 'the daughter of sedition, the mother of rebellion, the handmaid of iniquity and the sister of unshamefastness'. But Elizabeth had constantly refused to permit the execution 'of a divinely ordained sovereign . . . it set a dangerous precedent'. During 1586, however, Mary exceeded her previous indiscretions in a reckless new plot against the Queen. This time the wily Walsingham had baited the  trap and gathered the necessary evidence. Elizabeth was left with little option but to sanction the trial and execution of her cousin.\n\nBefore that event Philip of Spain finally made up his mind 'that the retribution of heaven upon the heretic and monstrous Queen of England had been too long deferred'. He considered Elizabeth's imminent downfall God's expressed will, and himself the chosen instrument to put that will into effect. Elizabeth and her subjects, on the other hand, believed that England was the final bastion of hope for the world against the insidious incursions of the Catholic confederacy led by the Pope, the King of Spain and the Catholic faction in France, driven by the lust for power of the Medici and their Valois dynasty. 'The odds had been taken, the sides drawn, and Europe waited and speculated on which of them, Elizabeth of England or Philip of Spain, was the shining messenger of the Lord.' It was not surprising that the welfare of an Irish countess, no matter how destitute and deprived, received little attention at the English Court.\n\nFor Eleanor the crisis facing herself and her children, however, was to her as important as Philip's designs on England. Rebuffed at every level, in May 1586 she again solicited the help of Archbishop Loftus, who agreed to write to the government on her behalf. The archbishop's appeal was blunt. He could himself vouch for the countess's extreme necessity, he told Burghley, and\n\n_could not resonably denye, being an eye witness of her extreme mysery . . . to make knowne . . . how in truthe she standeth at this prsnt: being not hable to sustaine her selfe or her poore children with necessary foode, but are . . . lyke to famishe if her Matie do not grant bestowe some portion upon her for her relayfe_.\n\nBut, as before, the archbishop failed to get a response.\n\nEleanor was now at her wits' end. She faced the prospect of prison as her bills mounted and the merchants and money-lenders clamoured for payment. Secretly she prepared to embark for England in a last-ditch attempt to plead her case personally at court. But she was prohibited by law from leaving Ireland without special licence from the Lord Deputy. She had, moreover, signed bonds which had been guaranteed by members of the Munster aristocracy to that effect. Undeterred, however, during the latter months of 1586 she begged and borrowed from every available source to fund her mission. But some  of the lords who had guaranteed her bonds, such as Viscount Roche of Fermoy, who was bound for the sum of \u00a3100, grew uneasy about her intentions. They urged her to reconsider her proposed flight to England. She refused. Finally Lord Roche alerted Lord Deputy Perrot to Eleanor's plans. He begged Perrot that, in view of his dutifulness, his own bond of \u00a3100 should not be forfeited. Perrot's cryptic reply did little to relieve his anxiety. 'Touching the countesse of Desmonds going into England,' the Lord Deputy wrote, 'yt is more than I knowe, neither can she goe without licence from me so to doe, which she is not like to have.'\n\nBut before Eleanor could attempt her escape to England in early 1587, her plight was finally brought to the attention of the Queen, who decided that 'the Countess of Desmond should have a pension of one hundred pounds Irish' and ordered Sir John Perrot to pay her. On the strength of the promised pension, Eleanor obtained additional credit from the Dublin merchants to feed and clothe herself and her children, though, as she later divulged, 'I owe duble for everything I hadde.' Her indebtedness to the merchants increased when Perrot declined to pay her the pension out of his administrative costs. Her situation was again desperate. 'Her creditors (being not paid of their former debt) would no further lett her have meate, drinke nor any other necessaries.' Eleanor could take no more. Towards the end of 1587 she managed to obtain a passage to England, leaving her daughters in care in Ireland.\n\nShe made her way to London, and for the following twelve months she followed the court in the same state of abject poverty and debt as she had endured in Ireland. Even if she had the means to influence or bribe those in power to gain access to the Queen, political developments made an audience virtually impossible. Throughout the early months of 1588 rumours of an imminent invasion by Spain preoccupied Elizabeth and her Privy Council. After months of speculation the great Spanish Armada lumbered into the English Channel 'to visit the censure of God upon a middle-aged female'. Despite ample warning, England was ill-prepared to meet the challenge. All through the summer, as Elizabeth moved her court from place to place, Eleanor followed patiently in her wake. She had to maintain a low profile. Passions and prejudices had been aroused in England against the new Spanish threat to which her name, in the past, had been linked. The court bustled with activity as messengers  brought despatches with reports of the sea battles in the Channel, and the Queen and her counsellors held lengthy meetings on matters of state security. But Eleanor persistently and patiently waited her chance. She had become used to isolation, hostility, humiliation and poverty and the quiet resignation that such conditions induce. She had been somewhat encouraged by Burghley, who had looked on her presence kindly enough, though he could, as yet, spare little time to examine her case in detail.\n\nShe meanwhile contrived to visit her son in his cell in the Tower. Memories came flooding back as she traversed the stone passages to be reunited with him as she had with his father some twenty years previously. She found James in distress from an ear ailment which was being treated by the prison physician without success. His general health had, not surprisingly, remained fragile. The damp, stale air of the Tower did little to relieve the general malaise that had afflicted him since birth. He had become both institutionalised and anglicised, a passive prisoner of his unnatural surroundings, nervous and apprehensive lest he incur the displeasure of those in charge of his welfare. His later correspondence is proof that Eleanor's concern regarding his lack of a formal education had been rectified. A schoolmaster, with a salary of \u00a313-13s per annum, had been appointed to educate him, and he was taught to express himself well and to write in a bold, clear hand. His literary style, taking into account his youth and lack of experience of the world, was frequently 'very superior to that of the statesmen to whom his letters were mostly addressed'. There was little else Eleanor could do for her son who seemed lost to her and to the world.\n\nWhen the Spanish Armada finally disappeared towards the North Sea, to be battered and broken on the jagged, unfriendly rocks of the Irish coastline, Elizabeth resumed her more mundane duties. She agreed to receive the Countess of Desmond and hear her petition. Eleanor had her audience with the Queen at St James's Palace in early October 1588. Elizabeth wore her fifty-five years well. After the repulse of the Spanish threat she appeared every bit the\n\n_Goddesse Heavenly Bright,_\n\n_Mirror of grace and Majestie divine,_\n\n_Great lady of the greatest Isle, whose light_\n\n_Like Phoebus lampe throughout the world doth shine_\n\nof Spenser's _Faerie Queene_. Elizabeth could still dazzle her subjects into love and loyalty by the very radiance of her attire. It was irrelevant to her adoring subjects that the famous red hair was now a wig; her ruddy complexion was liberally aided by the application of rouge and rice powder. The regal presence that emanated from her slight frame owed much to the sheer opulence and weight of her wardrobe. Good Queen Bess had saved her subjects from a fate worse than the fires of the Inquisition, and now, more than ever, 'she could still marshal words and command emotions'. And there was little competition or threat to her looks, wardrobe or majesty from the gaunt, tattered, dispirited countess who knelt before her to beg for sustenance to provide herself and her family with the bare necessities of life. Sheer pity alone would have moved Elizabeth to loosen her purse-strings. As Eleanor explained the extremity of her situation in Ireland and how the Queen's previous pension of \u00a3100 had been withheld from her, Elizabeth's sympathies were aroused and she forwarded new instructions to her Lord Deputy:\n\n_Wee having compasson of hir unhappie and miserable estate whereunto she is fallen, rather by hir said husband's disloyaltie, than by anie hir owne offence, are pleased for hir owne reliefe to bestowe on hir a yearely pension of two hundreth pounds sterling to be paid to hir quarterly out of our excheqr of that realme_.\n\nBut past experience had made Eleanor suspicious of the Crown's servants, and she reminded the Queen that her previous order to the Lord Deputy and Council in Ireland for the payment of her pension had gone unheeded. Elizabeth consequently despatched a personally signed and sealed letter to her officials in Dublin, commanding the prompt payment to Eleanor of her pension so that, as she stated, 'she may have no just cause to complayne for want of payment of the same'. But bureaucracy seemed destined to thwart even the orders of the Queen. For an addendum to the Queen's letter subsequently noted that payment of the pension was, for some months, 'stay'd upon a doubt moved by Mr Soliciter'. Meanwhile, her mission accomplished, Eleanor unsuspectingly returned to Ireland in high expectations of some measure of respite from her state of misery and misfortune.\n\nOn her return to Dublin she found Sir John Perrot had been recalled and that Sir William Fitzwilliam had succeeded him as Lord  Deputy. But the change in personnel brought little relief, for she found Fitzwilliam's administration as reluctant as its predecessor to comply with the Queen's instruction. By December 1588 she had received only part of her pension from the Council in Dublin. She therefore decided on a different course of action. She requested the English Privy Council that she might be paid her pension out of the English rather than the Irish exchequer. The Queen was agreeable, and accordingly in early 1589 Eleanor, accompanied by her daughters, Morris Sheehan and a small retinue, departed once more for England and settled near Westminster. But there were other reasons than the payment of her pension behind her decision to move to England.\n\nThe dispersal of her late husband's estates had begun. The lands to be planted were among the richest in the country. It was originally the intention of the Crown that seignories or chief grants, not exceeding 12,000 acres, were to be created for the principal grantees, or undertakers as they became known. But wily lawyers contrived to extend the grants on behalf of their clients beyond the proposed limits. Many grantees, notably Sir Walter Raleigh, ultimately became owners of estates of over 40,000 acres, much more than had been envisaged by the Crown. The grants were made in socage with a head or quit rent payable to the Crown. The plantation was widely advertised in England as an opportunity to acquire an estate at little cost. The native Irish were prohibited from becoming tenants or undertenants of the new proprietors. However, the initial aims of the Munster plantation were gradually distorted and undermined. The majority of the undertakers became absentees. Their estates were managed by agents who readily employed Irish tenants. Ireland's reputation for political unrest deterred the more suitable English farmers, who refused to be lured by promises of wealth to such a wild and unstable country. But the hardened veterans of Grey's expeditionary force showed little such hesitancy and eagerly grasped the spoils of war. In counties Waterford and Cork Sir Walter Raleigh and Sir Christopher Hatton received large estates. Sir Edward Denny, Sir Warham St Leger, Sir Thomas Morris, Hugh Cuffe and the poet Edmund Spenser, all received attainted Desmond land and property in County Cork. In County Limerick the main beneficiaries were Francis Berkeley, Sir William Courtney, Richard and Alex Fitton and Sir George Bourchier, while Edmund Fitton received over 11,000 acres in counties Waterford and Tipperary. The long hunt to extinction of  the former proprietor had been vindicated as the pursuers reaped the rewards without regard for the widow and heir of the attainted earl.\n\nHowever faint, Eleanor had not given up hope to salvage some part of the forfeited lands. Residence in London would enable her to petition her case directly rather than have to negotiate with the antagonistic administration in Dublin. She also sought more regular access to her son. While the conditions of his confinement allowed him 'the libertie of the Tower . . . and accesse of all his friends', his health was again giving cause for concern. As well as a physician, he now required the services of a surgeon, while the list of medicines supplied by the Tower apothecary grew:\n\n_i Bottels of serope of iii pints apeace_\n\n_ii pourgatives_\n\n_iiii ownces of perfumed lossengis for his nostrells_\n\n_iiii ownces of serope for his nostrells_\n\n_iiii ownces of Unguente for his eare_\n\n_iiii ownces of Implaster for his eare_\n\n_iiii ownces of pilles of Masticgini_\n\n_ii drames of pillemics_\n\n_i drame of Trossecs deterra sigillata_.\n\nThe list was just part of the long catalogue of pills and potions prescribed for the various maladies that wracked his unhealthy physique.\n\nIn London Eleanor first made the acquaintance of the man who was to be central in her future life. Donogh O'Connor Sligo was also at court to petition for the restoration of his title and estate as the heir of his uncle. Sir Donal O'Connor Sligo had died in January 1588 and his estate had been subsequently seized by the President of Connaught, Sir Richard Bingham. In their past misfortunes and present straitened circumstances, Eleanor and Donogh had much in common.\n\nThe family of O'Connor Sligo were a branch of the royal O'Connor house of Connaught. The earliest historical references to the O'Connor sept of Sligo occur at the time of the Norman invasion. In the succeeding centuries, following a series of dynastic feuds, the O'Connor clan split into three divisions: O'Connor Roe, O'Connor Don and O'Connor Sligo. The O'Connor Sligo sept eventually settled in the area roughly equivalent to present-day County Sligo. A member  of the sept bore the title King of Connaught between 1318 and 1324. By the sixteenth century the O'Connor Sligo was the acknowledged overlord of the area. But O'Connor dominance in Sligo became dependent on the O'Donnell chiefs of Tyrconnell, who also claimed a suzerainty over Sligo. Through alliances with the O'Donnells' enemies, the O'Connors constantly sought to cast off the shackles of O'Donnell dominance. To the south-west of Sligo lay the lordship of the former de Burgos\u2014the Lower MacWilliam of Mayo and the Upper MacWilliam of Galway. The latter had been created Earl of Clanrickard by Henry VIII.\n\nSligo occupied a strategic position between Ulster and Connaught. Donogh's lordship incorporated the barony of Carbury, with Sligo castle as its central point. He also claimed the castles of Ballymote and Collooney. To protect themselves from the heavy exaction of the O'Donnells, the O'Connors had turned for help to the English. In 1568 Donogh's uncle, Sir Donal, made an indenture with the Queen which he interpreted as a reaffirmation of his overlordship of Sligo but which the Crown later claimed related only to the overlordship of the barony of Carbury. However, the grant allowed him to maintain his rights to the overlordship of the county, and the Crown tended to support him in his struggle against the O'Donnells. The agreement between O'Connor Sligo and the Crown worked well until jeopardised by a dramatic change in the political climate, marked by the arrival in Connaught of Sir Richard Bingham as President of the province in 1584.\n\nA stern military campaigner, Bingham carried out his orders to the letter to extend English law into all parts of Connaught in the shortest time possible, allowing little scope for the Gaelic chieftains to adapt. Bingham began his campaign in Connaught by seizing the O'Connor Sligo castle of Ballymote, ostensibly as a precaution against an invasion by supporters of Mary Queen of Scots. Bingham recognised the advantage of securing a strong foothold in Sligo to control the pass from Ulster into Mayo and thus into the rest of Connaught. Sir Donal appealed to Sir John Perrot in Dublin. The Lord Deputy issued letters patent officially confirming the original agreement with the Queen, though excluding Ballymote and twelve quarters of land.\n\nIn the following year Perrot concluded the famous Composition of Connaught whereby, in lieu of cess, a rent of ten English shillings, or one Irish mark, was to be charged on every quarter of arable land in  the province. Certain lands were allowed rent-free to principal lords. Their positions as elected heads of their traditional dependent clans were abolished, and each chieftain was made responsible for his own sept and had to hold his estate under the English law of primogeniture instead of the Gaelic custom of election. In relation to Sligo, the Composition 'merely put into formal feudal language the terms of the earlier agreement' between Sir Donal and the Queen. Sir Donal continued to hold his estate in the manor of Ballymote and was granted all his lands free of the Composition rent. On his death in 1588, despite the seizure of Ballymote and Sligo by Bingham, his heir, Donogh, seemed likely to inherit the entire lordship.\n\nSir Richard Bingham, however, refused to recognise Donogh as his uncle's legal heir. 'The heir is base born and illegitimate,' he wrote to the Earl of Leicester, 'and the land, especially Sligo itself, by descent and lawful inheritance is now thrown into the lap of Her Majesty.' Although a commission of inquiry subsequently found Donogh to be the legitimate heir, Bingham persisted in his opposition and moved his brother, George Bingham, into Sligo castle. While the dispute raged, ships of the Spanish Armada came crashing onto the Sligo coastline. Rumours reached the English court that the Spaniards who had survived were planning to invade Connaught in support of the Ulster chieftains. Possession of Sligo castle took on an added significance, and the question of Donogh's right to inherit was once again investigated. In an attempt to persuade the Crown to reinstate him and to repudiate the accusations of Bingham, Donogh took his case directly to the English court. There he became acquainted with the widow of the rebel Earl of Desmond.\n\nThe similarity of their situation, coupled with the fact that the success of both their petitions depended on the patronage and influence of Lord Burghley, was perhaps instrumental in establishing a friendship between them. Both were exiles, political outcasts, in poor circumstances and without friends. Of the two, Eleanor's position was the more extreme, especially in terms of her future financial and political expectations. Donogh, while currently regarded as politically dispensable by the English interest in Connaught, could become a vital factor to the Crown\u2014and this possibility increased as the situation in Ulster deteriorated. But meanwhile both had to endure the tedious court protocol regarding their petitions. With little money to speed or influence the process,  they had no option but to assume the patience and humility of the penniless and the powerless.\n\nBoth initially made little progress. Eleanor's pension was not forthcoming from the tight-fisted administration, while Bingham continued to press against the reinstatement of Donogh in Sligo. Unable financially to continue to follow the court, Eleanor settled near Westminster, under the care of a widow, Alice Pynnock, who, it was recorded, was paid the sum of \u00a385 'for the diet of the Countess of Desmond'. Together with her pension, Eleanor also sought further concessions from the Queen. By her entry without licence into England she had, in effect, transgressed the conditions of her pardon and had 'therby forfeited certain bonds wherein she is entered for the performance of the clause'. The Queen eventually agreed to overlook the transgression and ordered the Lord Deputy to ensure that any future bonds made for her continuing good behaviour 'should not be hurtful or prejudicial unto her for that which is past'. Slowly, Eleanor was beginning to experience some semblance of toleration, if not favour, in court circles. Her old enemy Walsingham was dead, and Sir Robert Cecil had joined his father, Lord Burghley, at the forefront of Elizabeth's administration. The younger Cecil was willing to extend a little sympathy and understanding to the long-suffering countess from Ireland and this brilliant, delicate, hunchbacked statesman became Eleanor's main refuge and hope.\n\nWhile Eleanor's fortunes at court seemed likely to improve, the expectations of her friend, Donogh O'Connor Sligo, also seemed likely to bear fruit. In 1596, as the political situation worsened in Ireland, the Crown considered it expedient that Donogh should return to Ireland and be restored to part of his inheritance. England's supposedly loyal earl, Hugh O'Neill of Tyrone, from the fastness of his Ulster kingdom, noted Bingham's savage chastisement of Connaught, where the Mayo Bourkes, after three unsuccessful attempts to restore their ancient rights, had been ground into submission and their hired Scottish mercenaries butchered and drowned on the banks of the Moy. O'Neill noted too Bingham's advance into Sligo and his unrelenting campaign against O'Rourke of Breffny, who had sheltered some Spanish castaways from the ill-fated Armada. Alarm-bells sounded in the cunning, pragmatic mind of the Ulster chieftain as Bingham attacked Maguire's lordship of Fermanagh, the last remaining bastion of O'Neill's hitherto impregnable kingdom of Tyrone. The ghost of the  dead Earl of Desmond might well have returned to remind him of the bitter fate he had helped inflict on Desmond and which now faced him in Ulster. But it was still too soon to show one's hand. There were too many intangible obstacles to be overcome before O'Neill's great plan could be put into operation. Despite the suspicions of the English administration in Dublin, he must continue to appear Elizabeth's loyal Irish earl. Consequently he bawled like a child before the Council in Dublin and tearfully protested his loyalty on old Fitzwilliam's shoulder to stifle suspicion that he was involved in a conspiracy with Spain and Scotland against the English Crown. But in December 1591 he helped to effect the dramatic escape of his relative and future ally, the young Red Hugh O'Donnell, whom Perrot had imprisoned in Dublin Castle. O'Neill sought to mould the lust for revenge of the young Tyrconnell chieftain, as well as the seething discontent of the Gaelic chieftains, into a calculating patience until the time was ripe for open confederacy and rebellion.\n\nWhile O'Neill played a waiting game, his young ally attempted to reassert O'Donnell supremacy over Sligo, extend his power and influence into Connaught, and extract support for the forthcoming war with the Crown. Sligo was the key to success in the coming conflict, and both sides realised its strategic importance. The methods employed by Bingham were called into question as officials in the administration in Dublin, jealous of his success in Connaught, attempted to have him removed from office. Taking advantage of Bingham's misfortune O'Donnell raided unhindered through Sligo into Roscommon. In 1595 he seized Sligo castle, which was garrisoned by Bingham's brother. It was against this background that the English government, in a bid to stop O'Donnell's growing power in Connaught, decided that Donogh O'Connor Sligo should be reinstated 'in the hope that he could be used as a buffer against the commonwealth which O'Donnell appeared to be creating in Connaught'.\n\nDonogh returned to Ireland in 1596, while Eleanor remained on at her lodgings in Westminster. While Cecil had managed to have her pension restored, with directions that it should be paid at quarterly intervals, \u00a3200 per annum would hardly restore her to a lifestyle that befitted her rank and status. Furthermore, despite Cecil's intervention on her behalf, the pension continued to be paid sporadically at the whim of petty officials. Her petitions to Cecil continued in the same  vein as before. 'My great wants and extremities, the daily dearness of victuals . . . urges me to be more troublesome,' she wrote to him in May 1597 in an attempt to secure a more permanent cure for her financial straits. If Cecil could not secure her part of either her jointure or the estate of her late husband, Eleanor made the startling request that he act on her behalf as matchmaker. She explained that she was willing to extend her offer 'to any in England or Ireland that would be pleased to marry either myself or my daughters'.\n\nHer request was not as extraordinary as it might appear. She was now over fifty years old and had been a widow for fourteen years. The political stigma attached to her name was gradually receding, although her distinct lack of a fortune or a dowry did not enhance her matrimonial prospects. But fortune took a hand to find her a mate. By the establishment of a network of marriage alliances in Connaught, Cecil was seeking to create an opposition among the local aristocracy to stem the support for the Ulster confederacy. He had successfully concluded a marriage alliance between O'Connor Sligo's sister, Maeve, and the prominent chieftain of the Mayo Bourkes, Tibbott-ne-Long, the youngest son of the redoubtable sea-captain, Grace O'Malley, who had visited the Court in 1593. The marriage had produced satisfactory political results, and the former rebel chieftain looked set to adhere to the Crown in the coming conflict. It would appear that Cecil considered a marriage between Eleanor and Donogh would serve a similarly useful purpose, while having the additional advantage of removing from Court a persistent petitioner whose humbled means was a constant reminder of the Munster confiscations.\n\nIt was arranged that Eleanor would return to Ireland. Cecil secured the restoration of her personal estate in Munster which her brother had withheld from her. The Queen also wrote on her behalf to the Lord Deputy\n\n_to signify unto you our good liking of the retourne into the realme of the Countess of Desmond, for the opinion we have conceived of her good and lawful behaviour, towards us and our state, so we have now bin pleased to confirme the same unto you by those our own letters. . . . We require you to yealde unto her your favourable assistance in all her lawfull good causes as she may from time to time stand in need thereof and agreeable to the degree she holdeth_.\n\nCecil also obtained freedom of movement for her between Ireland and England. His diplomatic wizardry and Eleanor's persistence had finally achieved a small but, from Eleanor's point of view, significant victory.\n\nIn September 1597 Eleanor and her daughters prepared to leave for Ireland. On her departure she acknowledged Cecil's kindness and showed her appreciation as best her circumstances would allow. She presented him with a gift of an Irish harp, 'humbly praying you to accept the same, the rather that the sending comes from a thankful mind'. Then, with a lightened burden and the hope of better fortune, Eleanor set sail for Ireland and a new beginning.\nChapter 9\n\nThe Chatelaine\n\nHecuba: _Fortune veers: be brave,_\n\n_Sail with the stream,_\n\n_Sail with the wind of fate._\n\n_Do not run your ship of life_\n\n_Headlong into the billows of disaster._\n\nEURIPIDES, _THE TROJAN WOMAN_\n\nIn 1595 casting aside the mask of loyalty and co-operation, Hugh O'Neill, Earl of Tyrone revealed his intent. Throughout his career his actions had been stimulated by his driving ambition for greatness and power\u2014objectives which once had appeared attainable by loyalty to the Crown, but which now seemed more likely to be achieved by espousing the cause of Gaelic Ireland, a cause he had initially fought to destroy. In February 1595 he sent his brother Art to capture the Blackwater fort, which he had previously helped the Crown to establish. He was proclaimed a traitor in June, and on the death of the old chieftain, Turlough Luineach, he assumed the Gaelic title of 'O'Neill'.\n\nTogether with his ally, Red Hugh O'Donnell, he set about establishing unified opposition to England's expansionist designs in Ireland. To this end he re-established communications with the Spanish court, not merely for gold and ammunition, but for an effective Spanish force to support rebellion in Ireland against the English Crown. And Spain seemed eager to assist in the new campaign. But even as the ships and supplies assembled at Cadiz in June 1596, England's sea-dogs, Essex and Howard, in a daring attack, destroyed them. A further attempt in October fell foul of the weather. O'Neill had to buy time and opened negotiations with the Crown. The  Queen, ever anxious to pardon rather than become involved in expensive warfare, accepted the excuses he proffered. Secretly he and O'Donnell continued to conspire with Spain, and called on 'the gentlemen of Munster' to join the Ulster confederacy and to 'make war with us'. The Munster patrimony of Eleanor's late husband and the lordship of her new husband were destined to become part of the concluding chapter in the long saga of Gaelic resistance.\n\nOn her return to Ireland from the English court, Eleanor married Donogh O'Connor Sligo. She was then fifty-two years of age, while her new husband would appear to have been a few years her junior. Donogh was a sober, solid chieftain, more concerned to consolidate his position and his estates than engage in active rebellion against the Crown. While socially it could be said that she had married beneath her status, her marriage to O'Connor Sligo was a welcome respite from the years of misery, loneliness and ignominy she had endured since Garrett's rebellion and death. Moreover, from a personal point of view, the marriage seems to have been a happy one. She continued to be referred to as the Countess of Desmond and adhered to the active and independent role she had adopted throughout her life. She obtained possession of the small estate in Tipperary, which her brother had earlier sought to withhold from her, and together with her new husband, she journeyed to Munster to inspect her domain.\n\nHer new home was to be her husband's lordship of Sligo, which the Queen had restored to him, with the exception of the castle and lands of Ballymote. But on their arrival there they found the lordship had been overrun by Hugh O'Donnell, who retained possession of Sligo castle. Eleanor and her husband initially settled at Collooney castle, from where Donogh made vain attempts to stem the ravages perpetrated on his estates and on the estates of his tributary lords, such as the O'Harts and the various O'Connor septs, who expected his protection against the exactions and rapine of O'Donnell. Donogh, in turn, depended on the Crown and, in particular, the English administration in Connaught, to protect him from O'Donnell. But after Bingham's suspension in 1596 the administration there had virtually collapsed and was unable to meet its obligations to the allied Gaelic lords. Consequently, many of the lords who had sided with the Crown, and were willing to administer their estates by English law, were now forced to align with O'Donnell.\n\nIn December 1596 Sir Conyers Clifford was appointed Chief Commissioner of Connaught (he was subsequently promoted to the vacant post of President of the province in September 1597). Donogh was acquainted with Clifford at court and was at hand to welcome him to Galway and accompany him on a tour of the province. His friendship was rewarded when Clifford recaptured Sligo castle and installed Donogh there with a garrison. Donogh reciprocated by inducing his brother-in-law, Tibbott-ne-Long Bourke, the most powerful chieftain in Mayo, to make terms with the Crown. Tibbott had become disenchanted with O'Donnell's bid for supremacy in Mayo, and as captain of a fleet of galleys, previously operated by his mother, Grace O'Malley, his sea power made him a formidable ally.\n\nThe new Lord Deputy, Thomas Lord Burgh, carried the fight against the Gaelic confederacy into Ulster. He recaptured the Blackwater fort and established a garrison there. Clifford, meanwhile, with the assistance of O'Connor Sligo, simultaneously attacked Ballyshannon castle, but was forced to retreat to Sligo. Clifford could do little more but establish Donogh at Sligo castle and hope to hold out against O'Donnell until further assistance could be had from England.\n\nWhile her husband strove to hold his position in Sligo, Eleanor was embroiled in a legal battle with her brother, the Baron of Dunboyne, over possession of the disputed estate in Tipperary. Despite the Crown's grant, the baron still contested his sister's right. During the course of 1598 Eleanor journeyed to Dublin and to Tipperary to prepare her case against her brother. In the intervals she resided at Sligo and became acquainted with her husband's political friends, foes, family and relations. Once more she found herself surrounded by intrigue and conspiracies. The political situation was moving to a climax. Messengers from O'Donnell and from Clifford each sought her husband's support in the coming conflict, while spies from both sides reported their every move. No one could be trusted. Allegiances changed as quickly as the tide, and today's friend became tomorrow's foe. Eleanor met her husband's sister Maeve and her enterprising husband, Tibbott-ne-Long, the son of her late husband's former prisoner, Grace O'Malley. The famous female sea-captain still lived on in Mayo and, like Eleanor, had successfully petitioned the Queen for sustenance and protection. At the present time both she and her son favoured the Crown as a less evil option than the exactions of  O'Donnell. But, as Eleanor well realised from bitter experience, the loyalty of the minor lords and chieftains was transitory and depended on the ebb and flow of the political tide. Just as Garrett had expediently, for his political survival, sacrificed Grace O'Malley to the Crown, so had he a few months later eagerly sought and obtained the support of her husband in his rebellion against the Crown. But such was the political reality of sixteenth-century Ireland, where survival was the spur.\n\nClifford recommended to Sir Robert Cecil that Donogh should be restored to the castle and lands of Ballymote. Consequently Eleanor accompanied him to Dublin, from where he embarked for London, while Eleanor remained to prepare for the impending lawsuit against her brother. The baron demanded that her claim to the disputed estate should be tried by common law, but, as she explained in a petition to Sir Robert Cecil, 'to be tried by a jury of the citizens of Dublin where her brother is more favoured than she,' could hardly be deemed justice. She requested instead that her case should be determined by the Irish Privy Council or heard in the Court of Chancery. Cecil agreed to have the matter further investigated. But political events intervened as Ireland was plunged into a rebellion that again threatened to engulf the entire country.\n\nIn August 1598 Sir Henry Bagenal, with an army of over 4,000 men, was sent north to relieve the fort on the Blackwater. O'Neill, O'Donnell and Maguire combined to defeat him decisively at the battle of the Yellow Ford. The result of the battle transformed the campaign of the Ulster chieftains. 'A wave of feeling that was like one vast geyser of long-suppressed discontent', as Se\u00e1n O'Faolain wrote, 'gushed up and smothered the colonists until within a few months Tyrone was virtual master of Ireland and could see the outline of a rapidly forming confederate army.' But if the exultant feeling was to beget effective results, it would take time for the unfamiliar notion of nationhood to penetrate the mind-set of the multitude of chieftains and lords who regarded the aims and ambitions of O'Neill and O'Donnell as merely an attempt to subjugate them. Already in Sligo and Mayo the peremptory actions of O'Donnell had alienated the principal lords there. It was difficult for O'Connor Sligo or Tibbott Bourke to see any exalted nationalist motivation in the plundering raids made by O'Donnell on their territories.\n\nIn Munster, however, the effects of the victory at the Yellow Ford were instantaneous and opened a new chapter in the struggle of the  House of Desmond. And Eleanor, wife and co-conspirator of the last Earl of Desmond, could not fail to become implicated as the survivors of her late husband's family grasped the life-line thrown to them by O'Neill. Garrett's nephew, James, the son of his disinherited half-brother Thomas, rose out of the ashes of defeat to lay claim to the estates and title of his uncle. Eleanor's reaction to the claim was antagonistic as it threatened her son's inheritance. The adherents of her late husband shared her view and referred contemptuously to James FitzThomas as the 'S\u00fag\u00e1n' (straw-rope) Earl. But with the support of O'Neill, the cowed and dispossessed liege lords of Desmond rose up, if not in support of the claims of FitzThomas, then in support of the only apparent means to wreak vengeance on the usurpers of their former lands and to regain their hereditary patrimony. With the assistance of O'Neill's captains, they ravaged and plundered the terrified colonists. The confederacy spread. O'Neill's son-in-law, Viscount Mountgarrett, together with the Earl of Thomond's brother, the Baron of Cahir, and the Kavanaghs of Leinster, joined with O'Neill. The former Geraldine fortresses of Newcastle, Shanid, Adare, Pallas and Tarbert were hastily abandoned by their new owners, who fled bag and baggage back to England, some never to return. Edmund Spenser, burned out of his estate at Kilcolman, conveyed the sense of horror and misery of the colonists:\n\n_Out of the ashes of desolation and wasteness of this your wretched Realm of Ireland, vouchsafe to receive the voices of a few most unhappy ghosts of whom is nothing but the ghost now left buried in the bottom of oblivion_.\n\nAnd there was no immediate relief forthcoming from the Crown, as the Desmond adherents, after sixteen years of repression and confiscation, took a bitter and bloody revenge, showing the planters little mercy. Black Tom, Earl of Ormond was, once again, given the task of suppressing the new Desmond revolt. He warned FitzThomas:\n\n_We need not put you in mind of the late overthrow of the earl your uncle, who was plagued with his partakers by fire, sword and famine; and be assured, if you proceed in any traitorous actions, you will have like end_.\n\nBut the new Geraldine leader had grown tired of waiting for the Crown to reward him for his long loyalty and for his opposition to his late uncle. Ambition made him a willing ally of O'Neill and, in the terminology of the rebellion, he replied to Ormond: 'Englishmen were not contented to have our lands and livings but unmercifully to seek our lives by false and sinister means under colour of law.'\n\nEvents in Desmond had repercussions for Eleanor and her son. The S\u00fag\u00e1n Earl claimed the estates, as the heir of Garrett's disinherited brother, but the Crown had previously recognised Garrett as the legal heir. In the field of politics, recognition of legal title was, however, a matter of expediency. If the rebellion in Munster got out of control, Elizabeth might well consider the restoration of James FitzThomas as the least expensive way to end the conflict. The claim of Eleanor's son, the legal heir, under lock and key in the Tower of London, might consequently be easily ignored. On the other hand, if O'Neill could be convinced that her son, if free, could more effectively unite the Geraldine factions in rebellion, then her son's restoration might be better realised by supporting the rebellion. It was said that O'Neill had employed the services of some of the Munster aristocracy, loyal to the late Earl of Desmond and who had access to his son in the Tower, to effect the boy's escape. The Privy Council acted on the rumour and apprehended Maurice FitzGibbon, the eldest son of the White Knight, and confined him to the Gatehouse in Westminster. Eleanor was drawn towards the complicated web of intrigue and subterfuge that tantalisingly held out hope of her son's restoration.\n\nOn his return from court in the late summer of 1598, Donogh O'Connor Sligo joined his wife in Munster. Amidst the intrigue and turmoil, their presence sounded alarm-bells in Dublin Castle. The Irish administration protested to the English Privy Council:\n\n_We understand that O'Connor Sligo . . . is aryvid in Mounster and remayneth here with his wife the Countess of Desmond. We cold have wished that he had have staid longer in England consideringe the general unsoundness of the Irishry here and how apt they are to run with each other into disloyaltie_.\n\nBut, in the event, O'Neill settled for what was attainable in Munster and backed the claims of the S\u00fag\u00e1n Earl as the most expedient way to extend rebellion in Munster. Meanwhile, in Sligo, O'Donnell took  advantage of Clifford's inability, through a serious lack of supplies and an insufficient army, to extend his control over Sligo. He captured and established his headquarters in Donogh's castle of Ballymote. On their return home Donogh and Eleanor settled instead at Collooney castle to await developments.\n\nSince the death of Lord Burgh in October 1597 Ireland had been without a Lord Deputy. Elizabeth deliberated long over the appointment of a successor. The situation required a steady, trustworthy military leader. But in an ill-advised and impetuous personal decision, the Queen conferred the even more prestigious position of Lord Lieutenant on her current favourite, the temperamental second Earl of Essex. The young, headstrong earl considered the posting an opportunity to enhance his reputation at court and to display his military ability to an infatuated sovereign. On 15 April 1599 he arrived in Dublin with an army of 14,000 soldiers to confront the rebels, who were said to have a force of over 20,000. Accompanied by Eleanor, Donogh hurried to Dublin to renew acquaintance with the Lord Lieutenant, who had befriended him at court. Donogh accompanied Essex on a hosting through Munster before returning to Sligo to try and hold his ground against O'Donnell. Eleanor remained on in Dublin. She succeeded in obtaining husbands for two of her daughters. Margaret married Dermot mac An Dubhaltaigh O'Connor Don, a mercenary leader of some repute from County Roscommon. Katherine, her third daughter, became the wife of her cousin Maurice Roche, Viscount Fermoy. [The late Princess Diana was a descendant of this union.] It was a considerable achievement on Eleanor's part to find suitable partners for her daughters, given the political taint on their pedigree and their lack of a dowry or marriage portion.\n\nDonogh was besieged at Collooney by O'Donnell, desperate to expel him from the last remaining fortress commanding the pass into Connaught from Donegal. It was also vital to English interests in Connaught that Donogh should retain possession of the castle. Consequently Essex ordered Sir Conyers Clifford to relieve his friend and sent an urgent order to O'Connor's brother-in-law, Tibbott-ne-Long, to bring ordnance and supplies by sea from Galway to Sligo. Clifford, the Earl of Clanrickard, O'Connor Don and an army of 2,000 soldiers marched overland towards Collooney. On 5 August 1599 they attempted to cross the Curlew mountains but were defeated  with heavy losses by O'Donnell. Clifford was killed in the battle and his body decapitated. O'Donnell came before Collooney castle, where the siege was still in progress, and displayed the head as proof to Donogh. O'Donnell promised that if Donogh surrendered the castle he would restore him to his chieftaincy and provide him with cattle and supplies. It was subsequently reported to Essex that Donogh O'Connor Sligo submitted to O'Donnell because he, being 'under the tyranny of the other, will think any bargain good for him if it bring assurance of life and recovery of lands'. But Donogh had little option. The Crown had proved unable to protect him and, in his present difficult situation, discretion appeared the better part of valour.\n\nDonogh's submission had not allayed the suspicion of the Ulster chieftains that both he and Eleanor were in league with the Crown. Eleanor's preference naturally favoured the side which proposed to advance her son's prospects; up to the present time O'Donnell seemed more inclined to back the cause of the S\u00fag\u00e1n Earl. The hostility between Donogh and O'Donnell was deep-rooted. 'I have never slept quietly since you came into Ireland', O'Donnell was reported to have said to Donogh, 'for fear of you and your draughts.' O'Donnell monitored Donogh's every move, and it was only with extreme difficulty that he managed to maintain contact with Eleanor in Dublin. He secretly conveyed letters to her by way of his trusted servants James Crean and Mulroney Oge. 'I thought good to write these few lines to you', he explained to her in September 1599, 'to let you understand that I received no answer of the last letters I sent you by Mulroney Oge.' He informed her that he was being closely guarded by O'Donnell, who, at a meeting with O'Neill at Lifford, had with great reluctance agreed that his ally could have temporary custody of Donogh.\n\nDuring his sojourn with O'Neill, Donogh became godfather to the Ulster leader's son, Shane. But despite the attempts of the Ulster chieftains to cajole or intimidate him into aligning with them, Donogh would give no commitment. His preference continued to be for the Crown. However, the English administration in Ireland had become unable to protect him and the many other minor Gaelic chieftains who, one by one, fell under the dominating influence of O'Neill and O'Donnell. Donogh had little option but to play for time. Through his secret correspondence with Eleanor, however, he realised the Crown should be made aware of his continued loyalty. He  pointedly sent her four blank sheets signed with his name which he asked her to deliver to the Lord Lieutenant and Council. He urged her to hurry to him at the first opportunity so that, as he stated, 'I might confer with you of matters that I dare not write, fearing the way'.\n\nAs reports of her husband's capitulation circulated in Dublin, Eleanor requested permission from the Council to go to him, 'under pretence', as the officials recorded, 'to give him advice and to hold him sound in heart to the state'. Permission was refused, and the Council instead proposed 'to let slip the bishop his uncle who hath been always fast to the state'. The bishop in question was the unscrupulous chameleon of intrigue and double-dealing, Miler Magrath, the Archbishop of Cashel. Despite the suspicions of the Council, there was little reason for Eleanor to incline, at his juncture, towards O'Neill and O'Donnell. O'Neill seemed determined to espouse the cause of the S\u00fag\u00e1n Earl at the expense of her son. James FitzThomas unequivocally asserted his right to the title and estates, which he claimed 'of long time hath been wrongfully detained from me and my father who by right of succession was lawful heir to the earldom of Desmond'. At the same time the Dublin administration was taking no chances that the Countess of Desmond, intentionally or otherwise, could be drawn further into the intrigue. Eleanor refused to be deterred in her quest for the restoration of her son, and secretly she slipped out of Dublin and made her way to her husband, to see if the convoluted political situation could be turned to their advantage.\n\nThe Earl of Essex spent twenty-one weeks in Ireland, and under his ineffectual leadership the power of the Crown reached its nadir, while the Gaelic confederacy grew from strength to strength. Totally unopposed, O'Neill toured Munster and propounded the more lofty aims of the rebellion as a struggle to the death for the liberty of all Ireland from the English Crown. Meanwhile his ally O'Donnell ran riot in Connaught and compelled the vacillating chieftains there to his side. From England, the Queen berated Essex and ordered him to confront O'Neill in Ulster. But apart from meeting in private with the rebel chief\u2014an incident which was later to be used to discredit him in England\u2014Essex achieved little. His many enemies at court made the most of his indiscretions as they plied the Queen with rumours about his disloyalty and intrigue with O'Neill. On hearing this, the impetuous Essex deserted his post and fled to the side of his  Gloriana. But where money and the security of the realm were concerned, there was no favouritism to be had from Elizabeth. She promptly imprisoned her errant prot\u00e9g\u00e9 and then set her mind to the task with which she had temporised for so long\u2014the reconquest of Ireland.\n\nHer formula for success centred on two people: Charles Blount, Lord Mountjoy, a straightforward military man, who succeeded Essex as Lord Deputy, and Sir George Carew, a wily, political manipulator, who was appointed Lord President of Munster. Both arrived in Ireland in the early months of 1600. The military abilities of the one, combined with the deviousness of the other, were finally to bring Gaelic Ireland to its knees. Mountjoy contended that the total destruction, both economically and militarily, of O'Neill's lordship was the only way forward. Carew's job was to loosen O'Neill's grip on Munster by destroying the Desmond alliance. With this end in view, he was to bring his Machiavellian capacity for intrigue and subterfuge to bear on the complex political situation obtaining in the province. And he had rich and fruitful pastures in which to sow the seeds of discord and dissension. The pawn he chose to use was a young man who, as yet, lay unsuspectingly entombed and forgotten behind the walls of the Tower of London.\n\nMany schemes presented themselves to the unscrupulous mind of Carew. He set about exploiting the unstable and divided Gaelic society he encountered by pandering to the greed, fear and ambition of the principal actors. 'We hold it a very good piece of policy', he wrote, 'to make them cut one another's throats, without which this kingdom will never be quiet.' First he attempted to involve Eleanor in a plot against James FitzThomas, the S\u00fag\u00e1n Earl, before hastily abandoning this plan when it was rumoured that Eleanor and her husband were in league with O'Donnell. Carew then turned his attention to Eleanor's daughter, Margaret, the wife of the mercenary leader Dermot O'Connor Don. Dermot commanded an army of 1,500 men in Munster, supposedly in the pay of O'Neill. Carew learned of Margaret's opposition to the S\u00fag\u00e1n Earl and her determination that her brother should be restored to the title and estates of his father. He consequently enlisted her help in a plot whereby her husband, for the sum of \u00a31,000, would capture FitzThomas and deliver him to Carew. To sow further dissension among the confederates, Carew was to write a letter to FitzThomas to make it appear that the latter had  conspired with him to kill Dermot O'Connor. This letter was then given to Dermot on the pretext that it had been intercepted from Carew to James FitzThomas.\n\nO'Connor subsequently captured FitzThomas, ostensibly in O'Neill's name, displayed the fraudulent letter, secured his prisoner at Castle Lishin, near Charleville, and secretly alerted Carew. But before Carew could take custody of the prisoner, a large force of rebels rescued FitzThomas and, when the plot was discovered, O'Connor was forced to flee into Connaught. But despite his dramatic escape, the S\u00fag\u00e1n Earl's supporters, one by one, gradually deserted him. With little hope of assistance from O'Neill, who was being harried by Mountjoy in Ulster, like his uncle before him, the S\u00fag\u00e1n Earl took to the woods and mountains of Munster to await the promised aid from Spain. To completely destroy the Desmond alliance Carew next conceived a crafty project which, if successful, would transfer the allegiance of the Desmond adherents from O'Neill to the Crown. In order to put his plan into operation, Carew produced both his trump and his pawn in the person of Eleanor's son, James.\n\nLittle had been heard about the young Geraldine since 1593 when, in a plaintive letter to Sir Robert Cecil, he described himself as\n\n_an unknowne stranger who though young in years, yet being old in miserye . . . being born the unfortunate son of a faulty father. I have never since my infancy breathed out of prison\u2014the only hellish torment to a faithful hart to be houlden in suspect when it never thought upon offence_.\n\nHis long prison confinement had left its mark on the Desmond heir. The feebleness of his physical constitution was mirrored in a timid and malleable personality. He had little fight or vision, nor any sense of personal destiny, only a nervous and ingratiating desire to do his captor's bidding. To further split the Geraldine alliance, Carew now planned to restore the Geraldine heir to the Desmond title and to a small portion of his father's estate. The plan was greeted with little enthusiasm by the Queen, who had expended so much to subdue and destroy his father. Cecil, although generally supportive of the idea, voiced the Queen's fears to Carew. 'Much ado we have had', he wrote, 'to persuade her to have him sent, because she feareth that when he shall be there, it is not unlike but he and his cousyn  [James FitzThomas, the S\u00fag\u00e1n Earl] may be reconciled.' Cecil, however, used his influence with the Queen, and in the autumn of 1600 preparations were set in train for the return of the forgotten Geraldine to Munster.\n\nThere is no evidence to suggest that Eleanor was even aware of her son's return. She was at this time ill and in semi-captivity at Ballymote castle, when news of her son's arrival in Munster reached her. But the happy tidings were tinged with disappointment. To prevent the formation of a Carew-inspired conspiracy between her son and her husband, O'Donnell imprisoned Donogh on Lough Esk. There he was 'so cruelly kept in prison that were it not for my soul's safety I would wilfully have ended my days . . . my legs being almost rotted with the fretting of the irons'. Eleanor waited expectantly for some communication from her son, but no letter or messenger arrived. Carew spied on his every move, and in any event James seemed unwilling to undertake anything that was contrary to the wishes of his handlers.\n\nThe complex political manoeuvrings eventually drew Eleanor into their net. A marriage between her daughter Joan to Red Hugh O'Donnell was proposed. Whether to effect her husband's release, or to have the Ulster chieftains back her son rather than the S\u00fag\u00e1n Earl, she agreed to the alliance. She subsequently sent her servant and confidante, Mary MacShee, 'who served her at and ever since the rebellion of her husband and in whom she reposeth her greatest trust', with letters to her daughter Joan, containing O'Donnell's proposal. She told her daughter that she was to return with Mary MacShee by the way of 'Thomand to Clanrickarde to Tibbott-ne-Long and so to Sligo', thus giving rise to speculation of a wider-based conspiracy. Mary MacShee duly made the journey to Limerick and delivered her mistress's letters to her daughter. But Carew had Eleanor's servant under surveillance and bided his time to see if his young Geraldine charge would reveal any knowledge of the messenger's visit to his sister and the contents of his mother's letter. And Carew was not disappointed, for 'at the end of three days the Earl related to the President that such a woman was in Towne', though he insisted that she had brought no message to him from his mother, but only to his sister Joan.\n\nCarew arrested Mary MacShee who, under interrogation, revealed 'that the especiall cause of her coming was to convey away the said  Lady Joane to her mother and from thence to O'Donnell who had promised to consummate a Marriage with her'. Upon examination by Carew, Joan acknowledged the fact, but insisted that she had never intended to yield to her mother's command without the advice and consent of her brother whom, she vowed, she had been about to acquaint with the details of her mother's letter. To deter further intrigue, Carew had Joan committed under restraint to the house of an alderman in Limerick City, while Mary MacShee was made a close prisoner in Limerick jail.\n\nThe episode, from beginning to end, was testimony to the scheming and deception that shrouded the actions of both sides during the period, with Carew the principal manipulator of every cut and thrust of the political intrigue. The motivations of Eleanor and the other parties are difficult to ascertain, as the surviving records are mainly derived from sources close to Carew, who seemed, at times, to lose himself in the depth and extent of his own duplicity. In Carew's opinion, the entire episode masked a wider and more devious conspiracy against the Crown, involving not only O'Donnell but also the supposedly loyal lords of Connaught\u2014Donogh O'Connor Sligo and Tibbott-ne-Long Bourke of Mayo. Of Eleanor's part in the affair, Carew reported to the Crown that\n\n_The old craftie Countesse, understanding that this complot was discovered, pretended that her indeavours in seeking to effect this Marriage tended to no other end but to reduce O'Donnell to be a subject, although indeed there was nothing lesse meant_.\n\nEleanor's son was reported by Carew to have been 'grievously offended with his mother, that would deal in a business of that weight and so nearly tending to his subversion'.\n\nA further incident occurred during this time which added substance to Carew's suspicion of a wider conspiracy. When Carew ordered Dermot O'Connor Don, who since the abortive plot against the S\u00fag\u00e1n Earl had remained in Connaught, to return to Munster to support his brother-in-law, he issued O'Connor with a safe pass out of Connaught. As he moved south with a small armed force, O'Connor was apprehended and killed at Gort by Tibbott-ne-Long Bourke, who claimed that he slew O'Connor because he was a traitor to the Crown. Carew, however, accused Bourke of conspiring with O'Neill,  O'Donnell and O'Connor Sligo to extend the rebellion in Munster, either by compelling the Earl of Desmond to their cause or, failing that, by ensuring that there would be no Gaelic support forthcoming for him in Munster.\n\nAmid the storm of accusations and counter-accusations that followed, Eleanor never actually met her son during his brief stay in Munster. In fact she was never to see him alive again. His initial reception in the province as the lawful Geraldine heir had been encouraging. As Carew anticipated, the presence of the young earl drew support away from the S\u00fag\u00e1n Earl. At Youghal people flocked in their thousands to welcome the rightful heir of Desmond. At Kilmallock he was greeted by a large multitude 'as if they came to see him whom God had sent to be that comfort and delight, their souls and hearts most desired'. And, as was reported, 'they welcomed him with all the expression and signs of joy, everyone throwing upon him wheat and salt as a prediction of future peace and plenty.' But when the anglicised Geraldine displayed his religious preference by attending a Protestant service, as Carew reported to the Crown, he soon became an alien among his own people and asked to be allowed return to England. 'So far is his humour and religion different from the Irish as he thinks all time lost which is spent among them,' Carew assured Sir Robert Cecil. James's usefulness to the Crown's cause in Munster subsequently receded. Cecil ordered his return to England, with a promise to find him a suitable bride and to bestow on him a small allowance. But at the age of thirty in mysterious circumstances he died in the Tower. Notice of his death was brief. 'I have buried according to your direction my Lord of Desmond,' his doctor reported to Cecil in November 1601. 'His necessary charges for his lodging in my house, my counsel unto him, his physic taken and funeral charges I have in a bill ready to show.' In death as in life the last Earl of Desmond, like his father, seemed destined to be a drain on Elizabeth's purse-strings, as bills for the services and necessities provided for him during the last months of his captivity continued to be submitted to the Crown long after his death.\n\nFour of his sisters and his servant, William Power, remained at Cork and petitioned the English Privy Council for additional subsistence and for 'p'curing Her Majesty's most gracious goodness towards them for their reasonable matching there or here'. Regarding the future of their sister Joan, still under restraint in Limerick, the Privy Council  agreed in August 1601 'to set her at liberty again as she was before, referring the care of her well doing to some of her sisters that they may have an eye over her'.\n\nThe final episode in the Crown's long war against O'Neill and O'Donnell, and in the even longer war between Gaelic Ireland and England, drew to a ominous close. While Carew schemed and bullied the Geraldine adherents into sullen submission in Munster, Mountjoy wreaked havoc against O'Neill and O'Donnell in Ulster. The policy of devastation and spoliation successfully used against the Earl of Desmond two decades earlier, seemed likely to succeed again in Ulster. 'Our only way to ruine the rebels', Mountjoy advised, 'must be to make all possible waste of the means for life, but', he warned, 'if we be not supplied out of England, we shall as well starve ourselves as them.' The policy was carried on without respite throughout the year 1601, leaving the Gaelic leaders no possibility to harvest or to replenish their stocks. At the same time Mountjoy established well-provisioned forts in the areas he subdued and backed the land campaign with a naval operation, led by Sir Henry Docwra, who landed behind O'Donnell's lines with an army of 4,000 men in Lough Foyle. There was little O'Neill or O'Donnell could do but hold out and wait for the promised aid from Spain. In Munster the S\u00fag\u00e1n Earl was captured by his erstwhile ally, the White Knight, and delivered to Carew. He was sent to the Tower where, it was reported, in 1607 he died 'in his lunacy'.\n\nOn 21 September 1601, 3,800 Spanish soldiers, under the command of Don Juan del Aguila, landed at Kinsale in County Cork where they awaited the arrival of their Irish allies. By the end of October the Spanish were surrounded by Mountjoy and his army, which comprised many 'royalist' Irish. On 2 November Hugh O'Donnell assembled his forces at Ballymote castle and set out on the long march to Kinsale, leaving Eleanor and her husband under guard in the castle, with no part to play in the coming showdown. After weeks of deliberation O'Neill finally threw in his lot with O'Donnell and, at the end of November, joined him at Kinsale. In Mayo, Donogh's brother-in-law, Tibbott-ne-long Bourke, after months of vacillation and intrigue, finally decided to ally with the side which seemed most likely to restore him to the power he had forfeited to O'Donnell's puppet MacWilliam in Mayo. Gathering his clansmen and tributary chiefs he too sailed south to fight with Mountjoy at Kinsale.\n\nEleanor and her husband could do little but await the outcome of the most significant battle fought for centuries in Ireland, the result of which had enormous implications for their future. For Kinsale was more than a mere military confrontation. With a victory for O'Neill and O'Donnell rested some hope of the survival of a Gaelic Ireland and freedom from the malevolent control of England. For Mountjoy victory would destroy the Gaelic confederacy and secure Ireland, once and for all, for the Crown. For the multitude of minor players like Eleanor and her husband, who made up the patchwork quilt of Gaelic leadership, they could do little to influence events. Their fate and future lay in the hands of whatever side emerged victorious from Kinsale.\n\nMountjoy's subsequent victory at Kinsale on 24 December 1601 brought the long and bloody Tudor conquest of Ireland to a close. O'Neill returned to an Ulster devastated by famine, and opened negotiations with the Crown. O'Donnell made for Spain in the hope of reviving Spanish interest and support in the cause of Gaelic Ireland. In the last years of her eventful reign, the aged Elizabeth had lived to see her ambition in Ireland fulfilled, though at immense cost both to her Crown and to Ireland.\n\nNews of the defeat trickled through to Eleanor and her husband at Sligo, as the remnants of O'Donnell's army, under the leadership of his brother Rory, made their way back to Ulster. Despite the defeat, the cause of Gaelic Ireland still held a strange and fatal attraction. Already rumours of O'Donnell's imminent return with help from Spain kept the fires of resistance aglow. Fearful that the government's policy was 'to dispossess the principall men of their lands and livings and to get the same unto her Majestie's hands', Donogh and his brother-in-law, Tibbott-ne-Long Bourke, now conspired to oppose the advance into Sligo of an English army commanded by Sir Oliver Lambert. But Lambert evaded their planned ambush and reached the town, which he found virtually destroyed. In August 1602 Rory O'Donnell compelled O'Connor Sligo to join him in the last recorded victory of the long campaign, when they routed a substantial English army at the place of Clifford's defeat three years previously. But the collapse of the cause of Gaelic Ireland was too far advanced to be reversed by a single victory. And at almost sixty years of age Eleanor realised this better than most. She knew only too well the outcome of defeat in rebellion.\n\nIn late 1602 news of Red Hugh O'Donnell's death in Spain reached Ireland. It was reported that he had been poisoned at the castle of Simancas near Valladolid. In Ulster O'Neill made his conditional peace with the Crown to try to salvage his earldom from the wreckage. O'Connor Sligo made terms with Lambert, who brought him to Athlone to meet with Mountjoy. O'Connor Sligo made a good case to the Lord Deputy, stating that he had been made a virtual prisoner by O'Donnell and had no option but to align with the rebels. Anxious to bring an end to the hostilities in Connaught, Mountjoy pardoned him, and in 1604 Donogh received a knighthood from the Crown.\n\nBut peace and pardons aside, the financial fortunes of Eleanor, her family and her husband were still precarious. During the long years of turmoil Eleanor's pension from the Crown had been irregularly paid and her daughters had not received their allowances. Her husband's territory of Carbury had been wasted by the incursions of O'Donnell and by the retaliatory attacks of the Crown forces. O'Connor Sligo testified to the condition of Ballymote, the only habitable castle on his estate: 'It is also greatly defaced and the house burnt down by O'Donnell's people. . . . I will, if granted it,' he promised, 'repair the castle and house.' During Donogh's long absence in England the English administration in Connaught, particularly under Bingham, had also devastated his estate. The focal point of Crown interest was Sligo castle which, after Kinsale, had been taken by Crown forces under Sir John King. Moreover, the rents normally forthcoming from Donogh's estate had been rendered negligible by the late unrest. Both Eleanor and her husband were, once more, near the poverty line. Finally Sir Donogh obtained letters patent to the ownership of Sligo castle. There he settled with Eleanor to confront the new 'war' that was about to erupt over ownership of the land of Ireland.\n\nWhile English military dominance had been established over Ireland, the ownership of the land still remained largely in Gaelic hands. Under Elizabeth's successor, James I, the battle for possession of the land of Ireland intensified. It was a war waged by lawyers, adventurers, profiteers and officials who, armed with pens, parchment, obscure deeds and money, sought to acquire by illegal or quasi-legal means, the estates and property of the impoverished native aristocracy. In Sligo Sir James Fullerton, a Scottish spy of James I, was granted the castle of Ballymote and the valuable lands of Sligo abbey. The rents payable to Sir Donogh from these properties were  consequently distrained from him and he was forced to contest the claims of the new planters in court. Some of his claims were admitted by the Crown and, 'subsidised with government money, Sir Donogh bought from Sir William Taaffe much of the land which the latter had acquired in Sligo'. He successfully instituted legal proceedings in the courts of Chancery and Exchequer to protect his estates from avaricious entrepreneurs who sought flaws in his title, and also to have restored the rents and services due to him from dependent septs. He spent the remaining years of his life attempting to put his estate and property on a secure legal footing by right of English common law. His estate, however, failed to yield sufficient profit, and he was forced to mortgage much land and property, particularly to the merchant families of Galway, who had the means to exploit the reduced circumstances of the old native aristocracy on the collapse of Gaelic law.\n\nWhile her husband strove to untangle the legal and financial web of his estate, Eleanor, together with her daughters Joan and Ellen, proceeded to England to attempt to extract additional maintenance from the new king, James I. Despite her advanced age and the long years of surviving on the meagre subsistence she had managed to extract from the English administration, and in the face of persistent misfortunes, her hope never waned that fate eventually would deal her a kinder hand. She arrived in London in the summer of 1603 and, as she attested, 'for nine months following the court at great cost', petitioned the King and the Privy Council for the restoration of her pension and for some part of her late husband's estate in Munster. She told Sir Robert Cecil that, owing to the destruction wrought by the late rebellion on her second husband's lordship, she was, once again, 'destitute of a place of abode both for me and mine'. Her daughters petitioned the King in similar vein and attested 'that the misery of our estate is such as we are ashamed to make it manifest to the world'. They appealed also to Sir Robert Cecil because, as they stated, 'your lordship ever stood the best friend that either our brother or selves have had, we beseech you now to assign us some proportionable living to our estates and calling'.\n\nBy now Eleanor and her daughters were familiar figures on the outer fringes of court circles, as they hovered in the background, without the money, means or political clout to assert their case, but entirely dependent on the pity and charity of Cecil and other court  officials. They followed the royal court from place to place for as long as their meagre means allowed. Lodged in back-street boarding houses and inns, they starved themselves of food and necessities in order to appear in some suitable state at court, wherein lay their only chance to alleviate their plight. They could not afford to dwell on the humiliation and degradation of their position, for the alternative\u2014that they might be denied access to the court to plead their case\u2014was too frightening to contemplate. Eleanor's remarkable will to survive alone brought them through the ordeal.\n\nAfter much hardship and rejection their mission seemed likely to be successful. In 1605 Cecil arranged to have Eleanor's pension and arrears sanctioned for payment. Eleanor contrived to have an advance of one year paid to her, which she used to clear the debts incurred during her prolonged stay in England. She assured Cecil that she had arranged with the Earl of Kildare that he 'will join her in bonds, that if she die within the year, to restore so much thereof as shall not fall due during her life', for, as she informed him, 'I know no other means to rid me hence or bear my charges; otherwise I must stay longer than I meant, and run further in debte, so much as I shall be unable to go at any time.' But the old campaigner would see many more decades and outlive those from whom she now begged and borrowed. Whether out of compassion for her age and position, or whether to rid himself of a wily and persistent petitioner, whose mental and physical energies defied her years, Cecil granted her demands. He instructed the Lord Deputy and Council in Dublin to deal favourably with the countess and her daughters 'now on their return from England to Ireland and particularly to take order that they be paid from time to time the pension granted them by His Majesty without unnecessary delay'.\n\nWhile Eleanor managed to have her material wants alleviated, on her return to Sligo with her daughter Ellen, she found Sir Donogh still deeply involved in the legal battle to secure his estates and property. His competitors ironically accused him of seeking to acquire too large an estate, of having 'a great living and cannot be contented', to which he replied, understandably, in view of the encroachment on his ancestral estates by the self-same accusers, 'I bear the name but they have all the substance.' During 1607 and 1608 Sir Donogh fought a series of lawsuits to defend his estate from avaricious entrepreneurs and ambitious former tributary septs who sought to establish claims on the strength of broken or faulty deeds to lands in the hereditary  possession of his ancestors. The pressures and expenses of each successive case began to take their toll. 'I am since my coming into Ireland', he complained to Cecil, 'tossed and troubled in wronged lawsuits by my continual disturber Sir William Taaffe, with whom is joined Sir Lionel Guest.' But Sir Donogh was fighting a losing battle. His most deadly adversary was the swelling tide of greed and sharp practice that was far more insidious and effective as a means of reducing the Gaelic aristocracy than the guns and cannon of the previous century. Against this onslaught, Sir Donogh's determined endeavours, even when aided by Eleanor's considerable diplomatic skill, had little hope of success. On 11 August 1609 the old chieftain died at Sligo castle; as Eleanor informed Cecil, 'The tediousness in withstanding the said causes did so weary and wear him out that in the end the grief finished his life.'\n\nEleanor had every reason to grieve the death of her sober, well-intentioned second husband. He had been kind and considerate and had striven unceasingly to provide her with a lifestyle commensurate to her rank. When every back was turned in her years of greatest poverty and humiliation, Donogh O'Connor Sligo, whether motivated and encouraged by political considerations, or simply from a sense of affection for the abandoned countess, offered her his hand and protection. The inscription Eleanor later had carved over his tomb is testimony to the deep affection she bore him:\n\n_Is your hand the martial hand that shone in war_\n\n_And yours the gentle one that shone in peace_\n\n_Turned to ashes. . . ?_\n\n_I . . . who with moistened cheeks stretch forth_\n\n_My arms in redoubled lamentation_\n\n_Will ever be mindful of your death_.\n\nAnd the affection which Sir Donogh bore his wife was more materially demonstrated by the extraordinary inheritance which he bequeathed to her and which, inadvertently, was to complicate yet further the already tangled affairs of his estate. As part of her jointure, Sir Donogh bequeathed to his wife 'thirteene castles, one hundred messuages, ten gardens, four thousand acres of land, one thousand acres of pasture, one thousand acres of wood, one thousand acres of moor and three thousand acres of heath'.\n\nEleanor was, for a second time, a widow, but this time under less traumatic and calamitous circumstances. In theory she was substantially well-off but, in practice, the revenue-raising power of the O'Connor Sligo estate had been eroded over the previous decades. It was impossible to extract rents and dues from tenants and tributary septs who were unable or unwilling to pay. Moreover, the land had been plundered by both sides in the late war and had been neglected in the succeeding years during which the legal war to its ownership raged. The estate required a substantial injection of capital if it was to survive the financial and legal difficulties with which it was encumbered. To ease the financial strain which again threatened to overwhelm her, Eleanor embarked on a matchmaking exercise. In an attempt to consolidate control of the O'Connor Sligo estate, she married her daughter Ellen to Sir Donogh's brother and heir, Donal, a widower of thirty-five years of age. Of Sir Donal and his impending marriage to Eleanor's daughter, it was reported to Sir Robert Cecil:\n\n_He speaks English well; he was bred up in the wars in France; the people have a great opinion of him and he is like to prove an honest man if his grafting upon a crabbed stock do not alter his proper nature_.\n\nBut Eleanor's hopes were destined to be thwarted. Sir Donal survived his brother by a mere two years. Ellen married secondly Sir Robert Cressey of Cong, a member of the English administration in Connaught. Her marriage jointure on her second marriage placed added strain on the viability of the O'Connor Sligo estate. Eleanor married off her youngest daughter, Ellis, to Sir Valentine Browne, son and heir of Sir Nicholas Browne of Kerry. She had initially attempted to arrange a marriage between one of her daughters with the heir to the neighbouring O'Connor Don estate, but for political reasons the Crown opposed 'two such great families joining together'.\n\nHaving finally secured matches for her daughters, it was not unreasonable that Eleanor should expect to enjoy her remaining years in the peace and tranquillity that had evaded her all her life. But it was not to be. She was forced to embark on yet another legal battle to protect the lands and property bequeathed to her by Sir Donogh. On the untimely death of her late husband's brother and heir, the O'Connor estate was inherited by his son by a previous marriage, then  a minor. The wardship of the young heir was granted by the King to Sir Faithful Fortescue. 'Alarmed by the extent to which the property was tied up in marriage jointures, Fortescue initiated an action in the Dublin courts to have the Countess of Desmond's jointure overthrown'. because, he claimed, of defects in the wording of the conveyance.\n\nDuring the course of the year 1613 Eleanor made frequent representations to the Irish Privy Council regarding the properties in dispute, which were situated mainly in the area of Sligo town. When the case was eventually scheduled to be heard, she pleaded inability to appear, on the grounds of illness and old age. After a further delay the Council ordered an official investigation into the dispute. The investigators found in her favour and recommended to the Lord Deputy that Eleanor, whom they described as 'growne aged and hath not long to live', should be shown 'as much favour as may be afforded to a lady of her years and quality . . . that shee may at length be freed of theise unexpected troubles'. Eleanor played the part of the aged, feeble lady who, at the end of her days, found herself the victim of greed and circumstance; as such she successfully evoked the sympathy of the Lord Deputy and Council who ruled that she should hold the lands for the term of her life and that they would then pass to Charles, the king's ward.\n\nThe Council, not unnaturally, presumed and based their judgement on the premise that Eleanor's death was imminent. But she long outlived both her opponents and her advocates, and retained possession of her jointure to the end of her long life.\nEpilogue\n\n_Is that Penelope, Elinor, that second chaste Judith,_\n\n_Indeed buried beneath marble stones?_\n\n_I, mother Ierne, who with moistened cheeks stretch forth_\n\n_My arms in redoubled lamentation,_\n\n_Will ever be mindful of your death._\n\nINSCRIPTION ON ELEANOR'S TOMB, SLIGO ABBEY\n\nEleanor resided at Sligo castle for the rest of her life. Her days of petitions and appearances at the English court were over. No further correspondence from her prolific quill appears among the state papers of the day. There are no more allusions to the presence of the 'Lady of Desmond' at the royal court. References to payment of her prized pension, which she had fought so diligently to obtain from the Crown, appear sporadically in the state despatches in the early decades of the seventeenth century. She doggedly fought her case in the law-courts and hung tenaciously on to every acre bequeathed to her by Sir Donogh O'Connor Sligo. She stood her ground despite the powerful and resourceful new breed of fortune-seekers, entrepreneurs and wealthy merchants who, in the years after Kinsale, flooded into Sligo to take advantage, by way of defective title, bribery and sharp practice, of the remnants of the old Gaelic aristocracy and, whenever possible, to replace them as the new masters of the land. It took courage and gumption for an aged widow, on her own, to defend her interests with such success against such able opposition. But her days of penury were at last behind her, and her remaining years were spent in the relative comfort and dignity which had eluded her throughout her early and middle life.\n\nHer ability as a matchmaker for her daughters had paid dividends. Her daughter Joan, for whom she had plotted a marriage with Red Hugh O'Donnell, married Dermot O'Sullivan Beare of Cork. Her  third daughter, Katherine, after the death of her first husband, Lord Roche, married Donal O'Brien, afterwards Viscount Clare. On the death of her second husband, Sir Robert Cressey of Cong, her daughter Ellen married her cousin Edmund Butler, who in 1629 had succeeded his grandfather as Baron of Dunboyne; by this marriage Eleanor's unhappy feud with her brother over the disputed estate was laid to rest. Her youngest daughter, Ellis, married Sir Valentine Browne of Ross castle, Killarney, and 'thus as the wife of an undertaker's son enjoyed some portion of the vast estates which had been forfeited by her father's rebellion'.\n\nEleanor's only son, James, the 'Tower Earl', left no heir. Soon after his death the title was claimed by her first husband's old protagonist, Black Tom, Earl of Ormond, in right of his mother, Joan, as the daughter and heiress of James, the eleventh Earl of Desmond. When the only daughter and heiress of Black Tom was subsequently bestowed in marriage on a Scotsman, Sir Richard Preston, by King James I, the claim to the Desmond earldom was revived. Preston, in right of his wife, was created Earl of Desmond by patent dated 1619. The patent stipulated that if Preston died without male heirs, the earldom should descend to George, the younger son of William Fielding, Earl of Denbeigh, with whom a marriage was then contemplated with Preston's only daughter and heiress. While the marriage did not in effect take place, the provision of the patent was allowed, and the ancient Irish title passed into the Fielding family, who became the Earls of Denbeigh and Desmond. The spirit of Garrett FitzGerald would surely have rested uneasily had his prized title come to rest on the descendants of his bitter rival, the Earl of Ormond.\n\nIn 1624 Eleanor erected an impressive tomb for her second husband in Sligo abbey. It is an interesting monument built in renaissance style, and is in an excellent state of preservation to this day. Situated in the south wall of the abbey, adjacent to the high altar, it consists of two arched recesses in which are carved two kneeling figures in profile, representing Eleanor and Sir Donogh. 'Sir Donogh is clad in plate armour, his helmet being placed on the ground behind him. His wife is dressed in a loose flowing overmantle, with a close-fitting cap on which a coronet is placed. Round her neck is a large ruff and a string of beads which supports a cross of the Greek pattern with expanded ends.' The monument is decorated with heraldic emblems  of the O'Connor, Butler and FitzGerald families. In 1989 a headstone from the monument was found in Sligo during excavations for a new office block. With Eleanor and her husband is buried her daughter Ellis, who died in 1623. The date of Eleanor's own death is less certain.\n\nHer will, however, is dated 26 November 1638. By it she appointed her sons-in-law, Sir Donal O'Brien and Sir Robert Cressey, her executors 'and willed them to pay all her debts, called her stated accounts, and her funeral expenses out of her moveable goods and chattels'. She bequeathed to her daughter Joan a silver ewer and basin, and to her daughter Ellen all the remainder of her goods, including her plate and jewels. She left various legacies to her grandchildren, friends and servants. 'She bequeathed towards the building of a hospital in Sligo \u00a3100, and \u00a3200 more (both out of her arrears in England) to be laid out in an annuity mortgage, or land, so as to yield \u00a320 a year towards the support of the poor residing in said hospital.' Despite her traumatic life, Eleanor lived to the remarkable age of well over ninety years, over double the average life expectancy of the time.\n\nThat she lived so long is a tribute to her courage, her indomitable will and her superhuman capacity to withstand suffering, loss and deprivation. Her mental ability enabled her to overcome the Machiavellian political practices of her time which brought about the downfall of many greater and more powerful. She endured much personal hardship and tragedy, but with extraordinary resilience returned, time after time, to meet and contend with each successive challenge. She was both a witness to and a participant in a period of almost unparalleled upheaval and destruction which had sucked an entire civilisation into its maw. She had seen a fertile province scorched to a blackened and wasted heathland, its population starve to death, their pitiful cries mingling with the sound of war and the clamour of the victors. She herself suffered the pangs of hunger and the deprivation of a fugitive's life as she stoically stood by her outlawed husband. She knew the pain of being forced to part with her children as, on countless occasions, political necessity tore them from her side. She experienced humiliation, insult, isolation and friendlessness as she pursued her mission for survival alone and without means. But her innate will to survive and her ability to adapt to the new order was the spur that impelled her to overcome her adversity and gave her the strength to outlive her opponents.  Elizabeth, FitzMaurice, Sidney, Perrot, Drury, Sir John of Desmond, Pelham, Malby, Dr Sanders, Burghley, Raleigh, Black Tom, Essex, Red Hugh O'Donnell, Cecil, O'Neill, the list of great and colourful characters with whom she shared the stage, had all passed on. Eleanor alone remained, the last surviving participant in as great a tragedy that ever befell a family and a nation.\n\nIn the quiet ruins of Sligo abbey today the tomb she had erected stands as the only reminder of this extraordinary but unsung heroine. In life Eleanor received few bouquets, and her lot in death was total oblivion from written history and even from popular folklore, which preserved the memory of many of her contemporaries. Yet, in musty archives, her prolific correspondence, the script almost indecipherable on the age-darkened, brittle parchment, bears testimony to the life, aims and ambitions of this extraordinary woman, on whom fortune seldom smiled but who steadfastly refused to succumb to the dark shadows that relentlessly clouded her life.\nAppendix\n\nThe 'Old' Countess of Desmond\n\nWhile the life of Eleanor Butler, Countess of Desmond, has received little acknowledgement, that of another Countess of Desmond has been recorded by both contemporary and latter-day historians and writers. The countess in question was Katherine FitzGerald, daughter of John FitzGerald, second Lord of Decies in Waterford, and wife of her second cousin, Thomas FitzGerald, twelfth Earl of Desmond. Her main claim to fame was her great longevity, which resulted in her appellation as the 'Old' Countess of Desmond.\n\nOne of the earliest references to this paragon of longevity is contained in Sir Walter Raleigh's _History of the World_ , in which he records that, while married in the reign of Edward IV, the countess was still alive in 1589. Presuming, as was the custom, that she was married at the age of fifteen, and that the marriage took place in the last year of the king's reign, that would leave her at the remarkable age of 121 years in 1589. But evidence of her continued existence, well into the seventeenth century, is recorded by many contemporary historians, among them the famous Elizabethan writer and traveller Fynes Moryson, who died in 1614. In his _Itinerary_ , published in 1617, he stated:\n\n_In our time the Irish Countesse of Desmonde lived to the age of about one hundred and forty yrs, being able to go on foot four or five miles to the market towne, and used weekly so to do in her last yeares and not many yeares before she died_.\n\nA few decades later, Lord Bacon in his _History of Life and Death_ claimed that she lived to be 140 years old and that during the course of her long life she grew two sets of teeth!\n\nOn the death of her husband in 1534, the Old Countess of Desmond settled at Inchiquin castle, a few miles south-west of Youghal, which  her husband had assigned to her as part of her jointure for the duration of her life. On her death the castle and lands would automatically revert to the earldom of Desmond. There, it was not unnaturally expected, she would live out her few remaining years. But successive earls of Desmond came and went and Inchiquin remained in the possession of its elderly chatelaine.\n\nIt is likely that she and Eleanor met several times during their long lives, especially during 1575, when the controversial enfeoffment of his lands by Eleanor's husband, Garrett, was effected. By a deed dated 5 April 1575 the Old Countess enfeoffed the castle and lands of Inchiquin to the Earl of Desmond. He, in turn, enfeoffed them in trust to his servants, Morris Sheehan and David Roche, for thirty-one years. Whether she supported Garrett's rebellion is unknown, but she was witness to the devastation of Munster and his subsequent death and attainder. In the plantation that followed, Inchiquin castle and lands were part of the Crown grant to Sir Walter Raleigh, who, whether obliged by law or in deference to the age of its antique resident, allowed the Old Countess to remain undisturbed at Inchiquin. Raleigh too expected that her demise would be imminent, but she lived to see Raleigh depart and Inchiquin pass into the grasping hands of Richard Boyle, Earl of Cork. Boyle was less inclined to tolerate the now seemingly unending occupancy of his new property by an aged tenant who simply refused to die. But the Countess resisted his attempts to dislodge her from her perch and, when Boyle persisted, she took matters into her own hands.\n\nIn 1604, at the phenomenal age of some 136 years, this female Methuselah set out from County Cork, with her daughter, who was over ninety years of age, for the court of King James I. It was recorded that 'landing in Bristol she came on foot to London', while her daughter 'being decrepid was brought in a little carte, their poverty not allowing better means'. While there is no conclusive evidence as to the outcome of her petition to the king, it does seem likely that the touching and incredible apparition of this ancient woman, who had lived through the reigns of seven monarchs and overlapped with two others, was suitably rewarded. For the Old Countess returned to Inchiquin, where her long life was only brought to an end in 1604 by a bizarre accident. Sir Robert Sidney recorded the circumstances of her death:\n\n_She might have lived much longer hade she not mette with a kind of violent death, for she must needs climb a nutt tree to gather nuts, soe falling down, she hurt her thighe, which brought a fever, and that brought death_.\n\nSo ended the incredible life of the Old Countess of Desmond, although another account places her death ten years later, in 1614. A portrait of a woman which once hung in Muckross abbey, County Kerry, purports to be a likeness of her, painted during her visit to the court of King James in 1604.\n\nWhether she met her death in 1604 or in 1614, the Old Countess of Desmond has entered both legend and history, where she has continued to be considered an inspiration in the records of human longevity.\n\n_Older far than my grand-dam, indeed, aye, as old_\n\n_As that Countess of Desmond of whom we are told_\n\n_That she lived to much more than a hundred and ten,_\n\n_And was killed by a fall from a cherry tree, then_\n\n_What a frisky old girl_.\nGenealogical Charts\n\nThe author is indebted to Dr K. W. Nicholls, of University College, Cork, for his assistance and his kind permission to use his research material in the compilation of this genealogy.\n\n* Tibbot na Sidh\u00e9an's father was John Butler, a brother of James Butler, Baron of Dunboyne. Tibbot married secondly Katherine Burke, widow of James FitzMaurice FitzGerald (d. 1579).\n\nReferences\n\n**Chapter 1**\n\n.Maher, _Romantic Slievnamon_ , 48.\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1601_\u2013 _3_ , 251.\n\n.Canny, _Elizabethan Conquest_ , 22.\n\n.Nicholls, _Gaelic and Gaelicised Ireland_ , 8.\n\n.Beckett, _Making of Modern Ireland_ , 14.\n\n.Nicholls, _Gaelic and Gaelicised Ireland_ , 73.\n\n.Ibid., 73.\n\n.Ibid., 78.\n\n.Joyce, _Social History of Ancient Ireland_ , II, 120.\n\n.Butler, 'Peter Butler of Grallagh Castle', _Butler Soc. Jn_., I, 3 (1970), 197.\n\n**Chapter 2**\n\n.Smith, _Elizabethan Epic_ , 90.\n\n.'The Housekeeping of Irish Chiefs', _Dublin University Magazine_ , LIII (1959), 463.\n\n.Annals of the Four Masters, V, 1561.\n\n.N.L.I., MS 2289.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , I, 505.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.N.L.I., MS 2289.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , I, 20.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Cox, _Hibernia Anglicana_ , II, 392.\n\n.Nicholls, _Gaelic and Gaelicised Ireland_ , 164.\n\n.Berleth, _Twilight Lords_ , 76.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, I, 417.\n\n.Ibid., 416.\n\n.MacCurtain, 'The Fall of the House of Desmond', _Kerry Arch. & Hist. Soc. Jn._, VIII (1975), 89.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Annals of the Four Masters_ , V, 1579.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , II, 48.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , II, 506.\n\n.Berleth, _Twilight Lords_ , 81.\n\n**Chapter 3**\n\n.Berleth, _Twilight Lords_ , 80.\n\n.FitzGerald, _Geraldines_ , appx.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , I, 42.\n\n.Ibid., 56.\n\n.FitzGerald, _Geraldines_ , 64.\n\n. _New Hist. Ire_., III, 87.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , I, 61.\n\n. _Sidney State Papers_ , 34.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Canny, _Elizabethan Conquest_ , 32.\n\n. _Sidney State Papers_ , 67.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, III, lvii.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , II, 114.\n\n. _Cal. Pepys MSS_, 47.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Wright, _History of Ireland_ , 419.\n\n.Ibid., 422.\n\n.Gaughan, _Knights of Glin_ , 29.\n\n. _New Hist. Ire_., III, 88.\n\n. _Cal. Cecil MSS_, I, 349.\n\n.FitzGerald, _Geraldines_ , 102.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , I, 23.\n\n.Ibid., II, 517.\n\n.Countess of Desmond to Munster Commissioners, 11 Jan. 1568 (S.P., 63\/23\/16 ii).\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Munster Commissioners to Countess of Desmond, 13 Jan. 1568 (S.P., 63\/23\/16 iv).\n\n.L'Estrange, _Conna and Desmond_ , 46.\n\n. _Cal. Cecil MSS_, I, 355.\n\n.S.P., various entries.\n\n.Desmond to Thomas FitzGerald, 10 May 1568 (S.P., 63\/26\/39).\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , II, 515.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , II, 137.\n\n.Ibid., 138.\n\n.Canny, _Elizabethan Conquest_ , 67.\n\n.FitzGerald, _Geraldines_ , 259.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , II, 151.\n\n. _New Hist. Ire._ , III, 92.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , II, 154.\n\n. _New Hist. Ire._ , III, 93.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , II, 151.\n\n. _New Hist. Ire._ , III, 89.\n\n**Chapter 4**\n\n.FitzGerald, _Geraldines_ , 262.\n\n.Ibid., 263.\n\n.Black, _Reign of Elizabeth_ , 477.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , II, 484.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, V, 415.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , II, 415.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid., 485.\n\n.Desmond to Cecil, 5 July 1570 (S.P., 63\/30\/69).\n\n. _Sidney State Papers_ , 130.\n\n.St Leger to Privy Council, 17 Oct. 1570 (S.P., 63\/30\/87).\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Cal. Pat. Rolls Ire., Eliz._ , 546.\n\n. _New Hist. Ire._ , III, 99.\n\n.Berleth, _Twilight Lords_ , 40.\n\n.St Leger to Burghley, 6 June 1571 (S.P., 63\/32\/54).\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , I, 28.\n\n.Ibid., 62.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.N.L.I., MS 2289.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , II, 485.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _New Hist. Ire._ , III, 91.\n\n.Lambeth Palace Library, MS 616.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , III, 210.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid., 234.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, V, 430.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , II, 238.\n\n.Wright, _History of Ireland_ , 437.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , II, 485.\n\n**Chapter 5**\n\n. _New Hist. Ire._ , III, 99.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , II, 248.\n\n.Ibid., 251.\n\n.Desmond to Lord Deputy and Council, 25 Nov. 1573 (S.P., 63\/43\/6 i).\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , II, 487.\n\n.Justice Walshe to Lord Deputy, 24 Nov. 1573 (S.P., 63\/43\/6 III).\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , II, 253.\n\n.Desmond to Lord Deputy and Council, 25 Nov. 1573 (S.P., 63\/43\/6 i).\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , II, 263.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, I, 463.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1574_ \u2013 _85_ , 169.\n\n.Lord Deputy to Burghley, 18 Apr. 1574 (S.P., 63\/45\/72).\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1574_ \u2013 _85_ , 27.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, I, 473.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , II, 281.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, I, 475.\n\n. _Cal. Pat. Rolls Ire., Eliz._ , 109.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, I, 480.\n\n.Ibid., 482.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , II, 284.\n\n.Countess of Desmond to the Queen, 12 Sept. 1574 (S.F., 63\/47\/55).\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.FitzGerald, _Geraldines_ , 274.\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1574_ \u2013 _85_ , 482.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , I, 25.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1574_ \u2013 _85_ , 65.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, II, 21.\n\n.Ibid., 22.\n\n**Chapter 6**\n\n.Canny, _Elizabethan Conquest_ , 154.\n\n. _New Hist. Ire._ , III, 91.\n\n.Canny, _Elizabethan Conquest_ , 3.\n\n. _New Hist. Ire._ , III, 100\u20131.\n\n.Wright, _History of Ireland_ , 446.\n\n.MacCarthy, _Florence MacCarthy M\u00f3r_ , 2.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , II, 314.\n\n.Wright, _History of Ireland_ , 447.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid., 448.\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1574_ \u2013 _85_ , XXXV.\n\n.Perrot, _Chronicle of Ireland_ , 141.\n\n.Ibid., 142.\n\n. _New Hist. Ire._ , III, 102.\n\n. _Cal. De L'Isle and Dudley MSS_, II, 60.\n\n.Ibid., 66.\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1574_ \u2013 _85_ , xli.\n\n.Lord Deputy to Privy Council, 20 Feb. 1578 (S.P., 63\/60\/14).\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1574_ \u2013 _85_ , xlii.\n\n.Chambers, _Granuaile_ , 93.\n\n.S.P., 63\/19\/56.\n\n.Countess of Desmond to the Queen, 30 Sept. 1578 (S.P., 63\/62\/23).\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, II, 140.\n\n. _Walsingham Letter-Book_ , 161.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Lord Chancellor Gerrard to Burghley, 3 Jan. 1579 (S.P., 63\/65\/3).\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , II, 365.\n\n.O'Faolain, _The Great O'Neill_ , 76.\n\n.Curtis, _History of Ireland_ , 198.\n\n. _New Hist. Ire._ , III, 104.\n\n.FitzGerald, _Geraldines_ , 279.\n\n.Nicholls, _Gaelic and Gaelicised Ireland_ , 73.\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1574_ \u2013 _85_ , lvi.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , III, 21.\n\n.Ibid., 22.\n\n. _Walsingham Letter-Book_ , 135.\n\n. _Annals of the Four Masters_ , III, 3784.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , I, 30.\n\n. _Walsingham Letter-Book_ , 168.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid., 169.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Benvenuta, 'The Geraldine War\u2014Rebellion or Crusade?', _Ir. Cath. Hist. Comm. Proc._ (1963\u20138), 17.\n\n. _Walsingham Letter-Book_ , 195.\n\n.Desmond to Privy Council, 10 Oct. 1579 (S.P., 63\/69\/51).\n\n. _Walsingham Letter-Book_ , 195.\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1574_ \u2013 _85_ , 190.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Walsingham Letter-Book_ , 202.\n\n.Desmond to Privy Council, 10 Oct. 1579 (S.P., 63\/69\/51).\n\n.Desmond to Ormond, 10 Oct. 1579 (S.P., 63\/69\/50).\n\n.Archbishop Loftus and Sir Henry Wallop to Privy Council, 31 Oct. 1579 (S.P., 63\/67\/76).\n\n.Perrot, _Chronicle of Ireland_ , 162.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, II, 162.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , I, 32.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Perrot, _Chronicle of Ireland_ , 164.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, III, xvii.\n\n**Chapter 7**\n\n.Smith, _Elizabethan Epic_ , 143.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, III, 164.\n\n.Ibid., 265.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid., II, 207.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Pelham to Walsingham, 16 Feb. 1580 (S.P., 63\/71\/209).\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, II, 190.\n\n.Cox, _Hibernia Anglicana_ , II, 361.\n\n. _Walsingham Letter-Book_ , 249.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, II, 225.\n\n.Berleth, _Twilight Lords_ , 125.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, II, 236.\n\n.Pelham to the Queen, 1 Apr. 1580 (S.P., 63\/73\/28).\n\n.Pelham to Walsingham, 5 Apr. 1580 (S.P., 63\/73\/33).\n\n.Pelham to Wallop, 21 June 1580 (S.P., 63\/73\/68 i).\n\n.Countess of Desmond to Privy Council, 28 June 1580 (S.P., 63\/73\/67).\n\n.Wright, _History of Ireland_ , 470.\n\n.Captain Golde to Walsingham, 17 Sept. 1580 (S.P., 63\/70\/51i).\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, II, 292.\n\n.Fenton to Walsingham, 8 Aug. 1580 (S.P., 63\/75\/27).\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, II, 297.\n\n.St Leger to Burghley, 9 Oct. 1580 (S.P., 63\/77\/24).\n\n.Perrot, _Chronicle of Ireland_ , 170.\n\n.Malby to Walsingham, 24 Oct. 1580 (S.P., 63\/77\/52).\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , III, 64.\n\n.Ibid., 69.\n\n.Perrot, _Chronicle of Ireland_ , 172.\n\n. _Annals of the Four Masters_ , V, 1761.\n\n.St Leger to Burghley, 15 May 1581 (S.P., 63\/83\/25).\n\n.Countess of Desmond to Lord General and Council of Munster, 29 Apr. 1581 (S.P., 63\/83\/6 ii).\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Spenser, _Poetical Works_ , ed. Smith and de Selincourt, 3.\n\n.Lord Deputy and Council to Lord General and Council of Munster, 10 May 1581 (S.P., 63\/83\/6 III).\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.St Leger to Burghley, 15 May 1581 (S.P., 63\/83\/25).\n\n. _Annals of the Four Masters_ , V, 1779.\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1574_ \u2013 _85_ , 339.\n\n.Perrot, _Chronicle of Ireland_ , 178.\n\n.Lord Deputy to Privy Council, 22 June 1582 (S.P., 63\/93\/45).\n\n.Walsingham to Lord Deputy, 25 June 1582 (S.P., 63\/93\/53).\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Countess of Desmond to Burghley, 28 Aug. 1582 (S.P., 63\/94\/104).\n\n.Countess of Desmond to Lord Deputy, 28 Aug. 1582 (S.P., 63\/94\/104 i).\n\n.FitzGerald, _Geraldines_ , 289.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.O'Faolain, _The Great O'Neill_ , 81.\n\n.Captain Norris to Lords Justices Loftus and Wallop, 24 Sept. 1582 (S.P., 63\/96\/3 i).\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1574_ \u2013 _85_ , 268.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Annals of the Four Masters_ , V, 1783.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, II, 364.\n\n.Desmond to Ormond, 5 June 1583 (S.P., 63\/102\/87 i).\n\n.Captain Golde to Burghley, 13 Apr. 1583 (S.P., 63\/101\/25).\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1574_ \u2013 _85_ , 287.\n\n.Ormond to Burghley, 18 June 1583 (S.F., 63\/102\/88).\n\n. _Annals of the Four Masters_ , V, 1793.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , III, 113.\n\n.Ormond to Burghley, 28 Nov 1583 (S.P., 63\/105\/83).\n\n.Perrot, _Chronicle of Ireland_ , 182.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.O'Faolain, _The Great O'Neill_ , 83.\n\n**Chapter 8**\n\n. _New Hist. Ire._ , III, 111.\n\n. _Cal. Pat. Rolls Ire., Eliz._ , lxv.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ormond to Burghley, 28 Nov. 1583 (S.P., 63\/105\/83).\n\n.Ormond to Lords Justices Loftus and Wallop, 16 Dec. 1583 (S.P., 63\/106\/13).\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1574_ \u2013 _83_ , 484.\n\n. _Cal. Pat. Rolls Ire., Eliz._ , 94.\n\n.Ormond to Burghley, 26 June 1584 (S.P., 63\/107\/48).\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , II, 67.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Lord Deputy to the Queen, 24 Oct. 1584 (S.P., 63\/112\/35).\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , III, 123.\n\n. _New Hist. Ire._ , III, 112.\n\n.Lord Deputy to the Queen, 24 Oct. 1584 (S.F., 63\/112\/35).\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , II, 68.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _New Hist. Ire._ , III, 113.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , III, 552.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid., 553.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid., 535.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _New Hist. Ire._ , III, 113.\n\n.Archbishop Loftus to Burghley, 18 June 1585 (S.P., 63\/1 12\/89).\n\n.Countess of Desmond to Burghley, 4 Sept. 1585 (S.F., 63\/112\/90).\n\n.Countess of Desmond to Burghley, 10 Feb. 1586 (S.P., 63\/113\/68).\n\n. _Cal. Pat. Rolls Ire. Eliz._ , 108.\n\n.Smith, _Elizabethan Epic_ , 177.\n\n.Ibid., 175.\n\n.Ibid., 176.\n\n.Ibid., 181.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Archbishop Loftus to Burghley, 10 May 1586 (S.P., 63\/124\/8).\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , II, 69.\n\n. _Cal. Pat. Rolls Ire., Eliz._ , 116.\n\n.Ibid., 70.\n\n.Ibid., 72.\n\n.Smith, _Elizabethan Epic_ , 182.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , II, 72.\n\n.Spenser, _Poetical Works_ , ed. Smith and de Selincourt, 3.\n\n.Smith, _Elizabethan Epic_ , 203.\n\n. _Cal. Pat. Rolls Ire., Eliz._ , 186.\n\n.N.L.I., MS D.10028.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.B.L., Lansdowne MS 65.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , appx, 567.\n\n.O'Dowd, 'Landownership in the Sligo Area, 1585\u20131641', 85.\n\n.Wood-Martin, _History of Sligo_ , I, 323.\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1596_ \u2013 _7_ , 325.\n\n. _Cal. Pat. Rolls Ire., Eliz._ , 479.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.O'Dowd, 'Landownership in the Sligo Area, 1585\u20131641', 111.\n\n. _Cal. Cecil MSS_, VII, 282.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Cal. Pat. Rolls Ire., Eliz._ , 479.\n\n. _Cal. Cecil MSS_, VII, 378.\n\n**Chapter 9**\n\n. _New Hist. Ire._ , III, 123.\n\n. _Cal. Cecil MSS_, VIII, 248.\n\n.O'Faolain, _The Great O'Neill_ , 203.\n\n.Ibid., 205.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , III, 303.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Lords Justices Loftus and Gardiner to the Privy Council, 31 Oct. 1598 (S.P., 63\/202\/3\/135).\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1599_ \u2013 _1600_ , 172.\n\n.Ibid., 158.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid., 172.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Cal. Salisbury MSS_, X, 67.\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1600_ \u2013 _1_ , 424.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , II, 489.\n\n.Ibid., 492.\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1601_ \u2013 _3_ , 572.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, II, 490.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Pacata Hibernia_ , 108.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid., 109.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , III, 383.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Cal. Carew MSS_, IV, 33.\n\n. _Cal. Salisbury MSS_, II, 491.\n\n. _Unpubl. Geraldine Docs_ , II, 497.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Moryson, _Itinerary_ , IV, 390.\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , III, 391.\n\n.Moryson, _Itinerary_ , IV, 214.\n\n.'History of Ballymote Castle', _R.S.A.I. Jn._ , LVII (1927), 98.\n\n.O'Dowd, 'Landownership in the Sligo Area, 1585\u20131642', 240.\n\n. _Cal. Salisbury MSS_, XVI, 371.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid., XV, 373.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid., XVII, 587.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1603_ \u2013 _6_ , 568.\n\n. _Cal. Salisbury MSS_, XVIII, 291.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n.Ibid., XX, 136.\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1608_ \u2013 _10_ , 760.\n\n.National Monuments Commission, Sligo Abbey.\n\n.Wood-Martin, _History of Sligo_ , II, 12.\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1608_ \u2013 _10_ , 298.\n\n. _Cal. S.P. Ire., 1606_ \u2013 _8_ , 197.\n\n.O'Dowd, 'Landownership in the Sligo Area, 1585\u20131641', 244.\n\n.Wood-Martin, _History of Sligo_ , III, 11.\n\n**Epilogue**\n\n.Bagwell, _Tudors_ , III, 384.\n\n.National Monuments Commission, _Sligo Abbey_.\n\n.Wood-Martin, _History of Sligo_ , I, 257.\n\n.Ibid.\n\n**Appendix**\n\n.Rowan, _Olde Countesse of Desmonde_ , 5.\n\n.Ibid., 12.\n\n.Ibid., 21.\n\n.Ibid.\nBibliography\n\n**1. MANUSCRIPT SOURCES**\n\n_British Library_\n\nCotton Titus MSS, BXIII, BXVIII, Papers on Irish affairs, 1559\u20131602. Lansdowne MS 65.\n\n_Hatfield House, Hertfordshire_\n\nCecil Papers, 50\/83; 51\/30, 101; 55\/15; 62\/25, 86; 68\/38; 75\/46; 179\/96.\n\n_Lambeth Palace Library_\n\nMS 616, ff. 157, 163, 165 (N.L.I. microfilm p 1701).\n\nNational Library of Ireland\n\nMSS 2163, 2288\u20139, 2788, D. 2541, D. 2604, D. 2648, D. 2679, D. 10028.\n\nState Papers relating to Ireland (microfilm; originals in Public Record Office, London): 63\/19\/56; 63\/23\/16, 16 ii, 16 iv, 32 VIII, 32 ix; 63\/26\/29, 39; 63\/30\/69, 87; 63\/32\/54; 63\/34\/33 i; 63\/43\/6 i, 6 III, 6 ; 63\/45\/72; 63\/47\/55; 63\/60\/14; 63\/61\/53; 63\/62\/23, 24; 63\/63\/9, 58; 63\/65\/3, 4; 63\/67\/76; 63\/69\/50, 51, 76; 63\/70\/35, 51 i; 63\/71\/46, 209; 63\/73\/28, 33, 67, 68 i; 63\/75\/27; 63\/76\/51 i; 63\/77\/24, 52, 53; 63\/80\/39; 63\/83\/6 i, 6 ii, 6 III, 25; 63\/87\/7; 63\/93\/45, 53; 63\/94\/104, 104 i; 63\/96\/3 i; 63\/101\/11, 25; 63\/102\/86, 87 i, 88; 63\/103\/14; 63\/105\/83; 63\/106\/13; 63\/107\/48; 63\/109\/59; 63\/112\/35, 68, 89, 90; 63\/113\/68; 63\/124\/8; 63\/150\/39; 63\/202\/3\/135; 63\/207\/1\/32.\n\n_Glin, County Limerick_\n\nPapers and records in the keeping of the Knight of Glin.\n\n_Kiltinan Castle, Fethard, County Tipperary_\n\nPapers and records in the keeping of the late Mrs M. Ogden White.\n\n**2. CONTEMPORARY SOURCES**\n\n_Ann\u00e1la R\u00edoghachta \u00c9ireann: Annals of the Kingdom of Ireland by the Four Masters, from the earliest period to the year 1616_ , ed. and trans. J. O'Donovan, 7 vols (Dublin 1851).\n\n_Annals of Loch C\u00e9: A Chronicle of Irish Affairs, 1014_ \u2013 _1590_ , ed. W.M. Hennessy, 2 vols (London 1871).\n\nCarney, J., ed., _Poems on the Butlers of Ormond. Cahir and Dunboyne, 1400\u20131650_ (Dublin 1945).\n\nCox, Sir R., _Hibernia Anglicana_ , 2 vols (London 1689\u201390).\n\nDavies, Sir J., _A Discovery of the True Causes Why Ireland Was Never Entirely Subdued until the Beginning of His Majesty's Happy Reign_ (London 1612); facsimile reprint (Shannon 1969).\n\nDerricke, J., _The Image of Irelande_ (London 1581).\n\nHolinshed, R., _Chronicles of England, Scotland and Ireland_ , ed. J. Johnson, 6 vols (London 1807\u20138).\n\nMoryson, F., _An Itinerary_ (London 1617); 4 vols (Glasgow 1907\u20138).\n\nO'Cleary, L., _The Life of Hugh Roe O'Donnell, Prince of Tirconail, 1586_ \u2013 _1602_ (Dublin 1893).\n\nO'Daly, D., _Initium. Incrementa et Exitus Familiae Geraldinorum ac Persecution is Haereticorum Descriptio_ (Lisbon 1655); trans. C.P. Meehan (Dublin 1878).\n\nO'Sullivan Beare, P., _Ireland under Elizabeth, being portion of the History of Catholic Ireland by Don Philip O'Sullivan Beare_ , ed. M.J. Byrne (Dublin 1903).\n\nPerrot, J., _The Chronicle of Ireland, 1584_ \u2013 _1608_ , ed. H. Wood (Dublin 1933).\n\nSpenser, E., _A View of the Present State of Ireland ... in 1596_ , ed. W.L. Renwick (Oxford 1970).\n\n[Stafford, T.], _Pacata Hibernia_ (London 1633); ed. S.H. O'Grady (London 1896).\n\n_Unpublished Geraldine Documents_ , ed. S. Hayman, 4 pts (Dublin 1870\u201381).\n\n_The Walsingham Letter-Book, or Register of Ireland, May 1578 to December 1579_ , ed. E. Hogan and N. MacNeill (Dublin 1959).\n\n**3. CALENDARS AND PRINTED MANUSCRIPT SOURCES**\n\n_Calendar of the Carew Manuscripts_ , ed. J.S. Brewer and W. Bullen, 6 vols (London 1867\u201373).\n\n_Calendar of the Cecil Manuscripts_ , 8 vols (London 1883\u201399).\n\n_Compossicion Booke of Conought_ , ed. A.M. Freeman (Dublin 1936).\n\n_Calendar of the De Lisle and Dudley Manuscripts_ , 6 vols (London 1925\u201366).\n\n_Calendar of Fiants of the Reign of Elizabeth_ (Appendix to 12th\u201318th Reports of the Deputy Keeper of the Public Records of Ireland) (Dublin 1877\u201394).\n\n_Calendar of Ormond Deeds_ , ed. E. Curtis, Vols II\u2013VI (Dublin 1934\u201370).\n\n_Calendar of the Patent and Close Rolls of Chancery in Ireland, Henry_ VIII _to 18th Elizabeth_ , ed. J.C. Morrin (Dublin 1861).\n\n_Calendar of the Patent and Close Rolls of Chancery in Ireland, Elizabeth, 19 year to end of reign_ , ed. J.C. Morrin (Dublin 1862).\n\n_Irish Patent Rolls of James I : Facsimile of the Irish Record Commission's Calendar_, foreword by M.C. Griffith (Dublin 1966).\n\n_Calendar of the Pepys Manuscripts_ (Dublin 1911).\n\n_Calendar of the Manuscripts of the Marquis of Salisbury_ , 23 vols (London 1883\u20131973).\n\n_Sidney State Papers, 1565_ \u2013 _70_ , ed. T. \u00d3 Laidhin (Dublin 1962).\n\n_Calendar of the State Papers relating to Ireland_ , 24 vols (London 1860\u20131912).\n\n**4. SECONDARY SOURCES: BOOKS**\n\n_Anthologia Hibernica_ , Vol. I (Dublin 1793).\n\nBagwell, R., _Ireland under the Tudors_ , 3 vols (London 1885\u201390).\n\n\u2014 _Ireland under the Stuarts_ , 3 vols (London 1909\u201316).\n\nBeckett, J.C., _The Making of Modern Ireland. 1603_ \u2013 _1923_ (London 1966).\n\nBerleth, R., _The Twilight Lords_ (London 1979).\n\nBlack, J.B., _The Reign of Elizabeth, 1558_ \u2013 _1603_ (Oxford 1959).\n\nBurke, Sir B., _Genealogical History of the Dormant, Abeyant and Extinct Peerages of the British Empire_ (London 1883).\n\nCanny, N., _The Elizabethan Conquest of Ireland: A Pattern Established, 1565_ \u2013 _76_ (Hassocks 1976).\n\nChambers, A., _Granuaile: Grace O'Malley\u2014Ireland's Pirate Queen_ (Dublin 2009).\n\n\u2014 _Shadow Lord: Tibbott-ne-Long Bourke, First Viscount Mayo_ (1567\u20131629) (Dublin 2007).\n\nClare, W., ed., 'The Testamentary Records of the Butler Families in Ireland' in\n\n_Genealogical Abstracts_ (Peterborough 1932).\n\nCogan, A., _The Ecclesiastical History of the Diocese of Meath, Ancient and Modern_ , Vol. I (Dublin 1874).\n\nCurtis, E., _A History of Ireland_ (London 1936).\n\nDunboyne, Lord, _Butler Family History_ (Kilkenny n.d.).\n\nFalls, C., _Elizabeth's Irish Wars_ (London 1950).\n\nFitzGerald, B., _The Geraldines: An Experiment in Irish Government, 1169_ \u2013 _1601_ (London 1951).\n\nGaughan, J.A., _The Knights of Glin: A Geraldine Family_ (Dublin 1978).\n\nJoyce, P.W., _Social History of Ancient Ireland_ , Vols I\u2013II (Dublin 1913).\n\nKnox, H.T., _History of the County Mayo_ (Dublin 1908).\n\nLeask, H.G., _Irish Castles and Castellated Houses_ (Dundalk 1972).\n\nL'Estrange, A.G., _Conna and Desmond_ (Dublin 1897).\n\nLodge, J., _Peerage of Ireland_ , Vol. VI (Dublin 1789).\n\nMcCalmont, R.F., _Memoirs of the Binghams_ (London 1915).\n\nMacCarthy, D., _The Life and Letters of Florence MacCarthy M\u00f3r_ (Cork 1975).\n\nMcClintock, H.F., _Handbook on Old Irish Dress_ (Dundalk 1958).\n\n\u2014 _Irish and Highland Dress_ (Dundalk 1950).\n\nMacCurtain, M., _Tudor and Stuart Ireland_ (Dublin 1972).\n\nMcGurk, J.J., _The Fall of the Noble House of Desmond, 1579_ \u2013 _85_.\n\nMaher, J., ed., _Romantic Slievenamon in History, Folklore and Song_ (Tipperary 1955).\n\nMoody, T.W., and Martin, F.X., _The Course of Irish History_ (Cork 1967).\n\nMorley, H., ed., _Ireland under Elizabeth and James I_ (London 1890).\n\nNational Monuments Commission, _Mainistir Sligigh_ (Sligo Abbey) (Dublin n.d.).\n\nNew History of Ireland, Vol. III: _Early Modern Ireland, 1534_ \u2013 _1691_ , ed. T.W. Moody, F.X. Martin and F.J. Byrne (Oxford 1976).\n\nNicholls, K.W., _Gaelic and Gaelicised Ireland in the Middle Ages_ (Dublin 1972).\n\n\u2014 _Land Law and Society in Sixteenth-Century Ireland_ (Dublin 1976).\n\nO'Brien, B., _Munster at War_ (Cork 1971).\n\nO'Dowd, M., 'Landownership in the Sligo Area, 1585\u20131641' (M.A. thesis, University College, Dublin, 1979).\n\nO'Faolain, S., _The Great O'Neill_ (London 1950).\n\nRonayne, C. O'L., _History of the Earls of Desmond_ (London 1929).\n\nRowan, A.B., _The Olde Countesse of Desmonde_ (Dublin 1860).\n\nSainthill, R., _The Old Countess of Desmond_ (Dublin 1861).\n\nSmith, L.B., _The Elizabethan Epic_ (London 1966).\n\nSpenser, E., _Poetical Works_ , ed. J.C. Smith and E. de Selincourt (London 1912).\n\n_Tower of London, Official Handbook_ (London 1984).\n\nWood-Martin, W.G., _History of Sligo, County and Town_ , 3 vols (Dublin 1882).\n\nWright, T., _The History of Ireland from the Earliest Period of the Irish Annals to the Present Time_ (London n.d.).\n\n**5. SECONDARY SOURCES: JOURNALS AND ARTICLES**\n\n_Butler Society Journal_ , I, 3 (1970): Butler, T., 'Peter Butler of Grallagh Castle'.\n\n\u2014I, 5 (1973\u20134): Butler, G., 'The Battle of Affane'.\n\n_Clonmel Historical and Archaeological Journal_ , I (1968).\n\n_Cork Historical and Archaeological Society. Journal_ , 2nd series, III, 28 (1897): Butler, W., 'The Division of South Munster under the Tudors'.\n\n\u20142nd series, XXVI (1920).\n\n_Dublin University Magazine_ , LIII (1959): 'The Housekeeping of Irish Chiefs'.\n\n_Irish Catholic Historical Committee. Proceedings_ (1962): Mooney, C., 'The Irish Church in the Sixteenth Century'.\n\n\u2014(1963\u20138): Benvenuta, Sister M., 'The Geraldine War\u2014Rebellion or Crusade?'.\n\n_Irish Genealogist,_ II, 3\u20136 (1945\u20138): Ward, M., 'The Barony of Dunboyne'.\n\n_Irish Geography_ , V, 3 (1966).\n\n_Irish Monthly_ , LIV (1926).\n\n_Kerry Archaeological and Historical Society_ , Journal, II (1969): Culhane, T.F., 'Traditions of Glin and its Neighbourhood'.\n\n\u2014VIII (1975): MacCurtain, M., 'The Fall of the House of Desmond'.\n\n_Limerick Field Club Journal_ , I, 2 (1897).\n\n_Meath Archaeological and Historical Society_ , Records, VI, 2 (1976): Ward, M., 'Townland Names in the Barony of Dunboyne'.\n\n_Royal Historical and Archaeological Association of Ireland_ , Journal, 4th series, V(1878\u20139).\n\n_Royal Society of Antiquaries of Ireland_ , Journal, XXXIII (1903): Westropp, T.J., 'Notes on Askeaton, Co. Limerick'.\n\n\u2014XXVII (1907): Westropp, T.J., 'The Principal Ancient Castles of the County Limerick'.\n\n\u2014XXXIX (1909).\n\n\u2014LVII (1927): 'History of Ballymote Castle'.\nGill & Macmillan\n\nHume Avenue\n\nPark West\n\nDublin 12\n\nIreland  \nwith associated companies throughout the world  \nwww.gillmacmillanbooks.ie\n\n\u00a9 Anne Chambers 1986, 2000, 2011, 2014\n\nFirst published by Gill & Macmillan 2011\n\nThis ebook edition published by Gill & Macmillan 2014\n\n978 07171 4828 8 (print)\n\n978 07171 5175 2 (epub)\n\n978 07171 5234 6 (mobi)\n\nCover design by www.anu-design.ie\n\nCover images: Richard Jenkins Photography\n\nThe National Archives UK (Reproduction of letter from Eleanor to Queen Elizabeth I from 1574)\n\nAll rights reserved. No part of this publication may be copied, reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, without permission of the publishers.\n\nA CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.\n\nThe website addresses referred to in this book were correct at the time of first publication.\n**About the Author**\n\nAnne Chambers is a bestselling biographer, novelist and screen writer. Her biographies include _Adorable Diva: Margaret Burke Sheridan_ ; _Ranji: Maharajah of Connemara_ ; _Granuaile: Grace O'Malley\u2014Ireland's Pirate Queen_ ; _At Arm's Length: Aristocrats in the Republic of Ireland_ ; _Sea Queen of Ireland_ ; _The Geraldine Conspiracy_ ; _Finding Tom Cruise_ ; and S _hadow Lord\u2014Theobald Bourke: Son of the Pirate Queen_. Her books have been made into radio and TV drama-documentaries for Discovery Channel, Learning Channel, RT\u00c9 and have been translated and published abroad. She has appeared regularly on radio and TV programmes, most recently on the BBC's popular series 'Who Do You Think You Are', on 'Nationwide' RT\u00c9 1 and RT\u00c9 Lyric FM. She was short-listed for the GPA Irish Book Awards (biography) and for the 2004 Irish Hennessy Literary Awards (short story).\n**About Gill & Macmillan**\n\nGill & Macmillan's story begins in 1856 when Michael Henry Gill, then printer for Dublin University, purchased the publishing and bookselling business of James McGlashan, forming McGlashan & Gill. Some years later, in 1875, the company name was changed to M.H. Gill & Son. Gill & Macmillan as we know it today was established in 1968 as a result of an association with Macmillan of London. There was also a bookshop, popularly known as Gills, located on Dublin's O'Connell Street for 123 years until it eventually closed in 1979. Today our bookshop can be found online at www.gillmacmillanbooks.ie.\n\nGill & Macmillan is proud to publish a broad range of non-fiction books of Irish interest, from history to economics, politics to cookery and biography to children's. Since 1968, we have published outstanding authors and groundbreaking books such as the _Encyclopaedia of Ireland,_ David McWilliams' _The Pope's Children_ , No\u00ebl Browne's _Against the Tide_ , Garret FitzGerald's _All in a Life_ , Augustine Martin's _Soundings_ \u2014not to mention three generations of Ballymaloe's Allen family on our cookery list.\n\nWe also publish a wide range of educational books and resources for all levels\u2014primary, secondary, college and university\u2014and we provide a distribution service for the majority of Ireland's independent publishers.\n\nFor more information about us, our titles, or to join our mailing list, please visit www.gillmacmillanbooks.ie.\n","meta":{"redpajama_set_name":"RedPajamaBook"}}
+{"text":" \n### Table of Contents\n\nWannabe\n\nCopyright\n\nPraise for Nancy Sweetland\n\nDedication\n\nAcknowledgements\n\nChapter One\n\nChapter Two\n\nChapter Three\n\nChapter Four\n\nChapter Five\n\nChapter Six\n\nChapter Seven\n\nChapter Eight\n\nChapter Nine\n\nChapter Ten\n\nChapter Eleven\n\nChapter Twelve\n\nChapter Thirteen\n\nChapter Fourteen\n\nChapter Fifteen\n\nChapter Sixteen\n\nChapter Seventeen\n\nChapter Eighteen\n\nChapter Nineteen\n\nChapter Twenty\n\nChapter Twenty-One\n\nChapter Twenty-Two\n\nChapter Twenty-Three\n\nChapter Twenty-Four\n\nChapter Twenty-Five\n\nChapter Twenty-Six\n\nChapter Twenty-Seven\n\nChapter Twenty-Eight\n\nChapter Twenty-Nine\n\nChapter Thirty\n\nChapter Thirty-One\n\nChapter Thirty-Two\n\nA word about the author...\n\nThank you for purchasing this publication of The Wild Rose Press, Inc.\n\n# Wannabe\n\nby\n\nNancy Sweetland\n\n# Copyright\n\nThis is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales, is entirely coincidental.\n\nWannabe\n\nCOPYRIGHT \u00a9 2012 by Nancy Sweetland\n\nAll rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission of the author or The Wild Rose Press, Inc. except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.\n\nContact Information: info@thewildrosepress.com\n\nCover Art by Diana Carlile\n\nThe Wild Rose Press, Inc.\n\nPO Box 708\n\nAdams Basin, NY 14410-0708\n\nVisit us at www.thewildrosepress.com\n\nPublishing History\n\nFirst Champagne Rose Edition, 2012\n\nPrint ISBN 978-1-61217-352-8\n\nDigital ISBN 978-1-61217-353-5\n\nPublished in the United States of America\n\n# Praise for Nancy Sweetland\n\n\"I could really identify with the book's characters. They are right out of the Midwest, hard working, connected to family, willing to believe the best in people...the bad guys really stick out here just as they do in the book. I love it when the good guys are handsome and intriguing (and drive a Porsche!) and that certainly holds true for Royal. WANNABE has a fun connection to characters in the prior novel, THE DOOR TO LOVE set in Door County.\"\n\n~reader Julie Bartels, Exec. VP\n\nNational Health Information\n\n~*~\n\n\"This [THE DOOR TO LOVE] is a great book. If you are from Illinois or Wisconsin and especially familiar with the Door County area you will like this book. Sweetland really takes the time to develop her main character Courtney James to the point you feel she is your best friend. You can read this book in short order and it has lots of twists and turns. This is the first time I read a romance novel, wasn't sure what to expect and really enjoyed it.\"\n\n~reader Jim Falk, Chicago, IL\n\n# Dedication\n\nTo Julie and Missy ~ my daughters, my friends\n\n# Acknowledgements\n\nMany thanks to Bonnie Retzlaff, owner of DREAMS COME TRUE, who was generous with her time and knowledge to fill me in on what it's like to run a costume shop.\n\nAnd to Captain Jim Runge of the Green Bay Police Force, who answered my many questions about police procedure.\n\nAny mistakes in the story are mine, not theirs.\nChapter One\n\nWhat a rotten start for what should be an enjoyable October day! Toni ignored the exuberant greeting from her large black cat, sank down on the stool behind her Wannabe costume shop counter and dropped her head on crossed arms. She'd left home late, broken a heel on the way to the garage and had to change shoes. The grocery was out of the coffee she liked. The quik-check line had been gridlock, not express. And then...\n\nWho knew the parking lot at Copps Foods was slanted just enough to encourage a cart to head off on its own? Or that anyone would leave a classy silver Porsche convertible unattended? Toni bit her lip, reliving the clutch she'd felt in her stomach as she turned from putting her bags in the van to see the empty grocery cart wheel away, gain speed and careen into the side of the vintage automobile. It wasn't a big dent. Not a long scratch. But the car was a Porsche.\n\nShe stayed by the damaged car for twenty minutes but no one showed up to claim it. Finally she slipped one of her business cards\u2014Antonia Dresser, Wannabe Costume Shop, 1459 East Main Street, Green Bay, Wisconsin\u2014under the windshield wiper, and went to work to wait for the unpleasant confrontation she probably deserved. On top of that, she still had to deal with her feelings about her last upsetting encounter with Bryce Andrews.\n\n\"Oh, hell.\" Toni raked her fingers through her curly blonde waves. A soft paw patted the top of her head. Midnight understood.\nChapter Two\n\nToni had just finished putting her workroom into a semblance of order when the shop door burst open and the chimes that usually sent out a welcoming tinkle clanged against each other with vengeance.\n\n\"Anybody here?\" The deep voice was sharp. \"Any careless grocery shopper?\"\n\nCareless! Gripping her broom, Toni stepped out of the back room and looked up into a furious glare from the most brilliant blue eyes she'd ever encountered. Catching her breath, she sputtered, \"I wasn't careless! That grocery cart went off on its own!\"\n\n\"Then you should have chased it down. Probably had on some shoes you couldn't run in for spit.\"\n\nToni huffed. Her feet were encased in serviceable tennies. Did she look like the kind of woman who grocery shopped in stiletto heels? It was clear this man would be difficult. Like most, in her experience. As if she didn't have enough problems with the opposite sex right now.\n\nShe took a deep breath and gave him her most winning smile. \"Look, I'm sorry,\" she said. \"Really. Here's my insurance information.\" She held out the card she'd had ready on the checkout counter at the front of the shop. \"I know I'm responsible for the damage. I'll see that your Porsche is fixed. It's just a car, after all.\"\n\nHe scowled. \"No, it isn't just a car. It's my dream car, a vintage Porsche in mint condition. Until today. And you don't just 'fix' a vintage Porsche. You have it professionally repaired. If there's anyone in this town that can handle that.\" He pulled his wallet, soft leather Toni noticed, from his pocket and fished for two cards, then placed them on the counter.\n\nHis hands, Toni also noticed, were well cared for. As was his tweed sport coat, his dazzling white fine cotton shirt and his snug-fitting stone-washed jeans. His black hair waved just above his collar and his dark brows set off black-fringed eyes to his advantage. Would he be wearing cowboy boots? She sneaked a peek. No, looked like Bass sports.\n\nHe pulled the card she'd left on his windshield from his jacket pocket. \"So you must be Antonia...\" He frowned and squinted. \"Dresser. Too cute, considering that you run a costume shop. What's your real name?\"\n\nShe blinked, taken aback. \"That is my real name. Just a coincidence.\"\n\n\"I don't believe in coincidence. My psychic great aunt would have said we were meant to meet. I'm Royal Stewart.\" He held out a hand toward her but before she could take it Midnight yowled, jumped from the counter and knocked his arm down.\n\nToni couldn't help laughing. \"Evidently Midnight doesn't think so. And I don't believe in psychics. Scat, cat. Shoo!\" She pushed Midnight away with her foot. \"I really am sorry. I promise, your dream car will be good as new.\"\n\n\"It had better be. I'm leaving it here in your lot.\" He dropped a key and fob on the counter. \"Please see to the repairs as soon as possible.\"\n\nAnother masterful male. Why is my world peopled with them? Toni glared, took a step back, straightened up and gave him an insolent salute. \"Yes, Sir! Will do, Sir! Right away, Sir!\" She hoped for a smile lurking in the rugged planes of his face.\n\nNo such luck.\n\nStewart's nod was curt. He wheeled, strode out through the racks of colorful costumes and closed the shop door with a definite snap that jangled the chimes again.\n\n\"Cheesh.\" Toni sank back down on the counter stool. \"Way to go, Midnight.\" She picked up the man's cards. One was ordinary insurance information. The other, much heavier stock with embossed lettering, simply said, \"Royal Stewart\" and underneath that was the single word, \"Helper.\" An 800 number followed.\n\nToni frowned. Helper? What in the world was a Helper? Who does he help? Does a Helper have an assistant Helper to help him help? Are the ones he helps called Helpees? The Helper business must be lucrative or Stewart wouldn't be driving a vintage Porsche. She shrugged and set the cards down. Well, whoever and whatever he is, he's one pretty package. Too bad his personality doesn't fit his looks. If I never see him again that will be just fine.\n\n****\n\nOutside, Royal Stewart filled his lungs with the brisk early October air and rolled his shoulders to calm himself. He hadn't meant to come off like a drill sergeant. The woman hadn't deserved that, but damn!\n\nTiming was crucial, as always, and it was imperative that he get down to Milwaukee today. He pulled out his cell phone and flipped through the apps to arrange for a rental. Patience, he told himself, things will work out. Just a couple more days. The danger\u2014this time\u2014was past. Only a few more things to clear up for this mission and he'd be back to Green Bay to get the answers to all his personal questions. So many things he wanted\u2014needed\u2014to know. And for the first time in his life he was close to finding them out.\nChapter Three\n\n\"You did what?\" Toni's twin brother stared open-mouthed at her over their weekly dinner at her condo that night. \"Banged up a vintage Porsche?\" Jack nearly choked. \"Only you, sis.\"\n\n\"I didn't do it. The damn grocery cart did it. Here.\" She held out Stewart's two cards. \"You're my trusty insurance guy. Don't you know some super fixer-upper body shop that will do this ASAP? And do a really good job? Here's the key.\" She laid it near his plate. \"The car's sitting in my shop lot.\"\n\nJack frowned and forked up a mouthful of Toni's special recipe spaghetti\u2014cooking was one of her passions\u2014before answering. \"Yeah, I think so. I'll take care of it. This guy just left the car at Wannabe and walked away? That's odd. I wonder where he lives.\" Jack picked up Stewart's cards, shuffled the insurance one behind the other and looked at Toni with a mystified expression. \"What the hell is a Helper?\"\n\nToni grinned. \"You tell me. That's my question, too.\"\n\n\"Huh. You don't see many guys named Royal, either.\"\n\n\"True. He fits the name, though, dresses very well and gives the impression that he should be treated just a cut above the rest of us. Do it now. Get it done. Like that.\"\n\n\"Really. Then I guess I'd better hustle with the repair.\" Jack tucked the cards in his shirt pocket. \"A mystery man. Pass the meatballs, please.\" Jack filled his plate again. \"And pour me some more wine.\"\n\nA couple of days later Jack swooshed into the shop, bringing in crisp fall air and some damp leaves that stuck to his shoes.\n\n\"Hi, there.\" Toni handed him the broom she'd been using. \"Swish those leaves right back out, okay? What brings you here? You don't usually stop in during the work day.\"\n\nJack swept the leaves out the door. \"I am working. I thought you'd like to know what I found out about Mister Royal Stewart.\"\n\n\"I would.\" Why did her breath catch at the mention of the man's name? \"Pull up a stool. Want some coffee?\"\n\n\"Sure.\" He waited while she filled their cups and added a drop of cream to hers.\n\nShe perched on the stool on her side of the counter. \"I'm all ears.\"\n\n\"What I should have said is, would you like to know what I didn't find out about him, I guess. The guy's a ghost.\"\n\nToni raised her eyebrows over her steaming cup. \"What do you mean?\"\n\n\"He's a nowhere kind of guy, that's what. The number on his card gets you nothing but a 'this service has been disconnected' voice. He's not listed in the phone book, the city directory or any of the little towns around Green Bay. I checked him out through the DMV and he does have a driver's license. It's from someplace in Virginia, though.\"\n\n\"Interesting. So what's he doing here?\"\n\n\"Good question.\"\n\n\"If you can't call him, how's he going to know if the car's fixed, or where he can find it?\"\n\n\"Aha. That's what's intriguing. He left a note on the dashboard for the body shop and gave them a different number to call when the repairs were done.\"\n\n\"O-kay. You're really enjoying dragging this out, aren't you, Jack?\" Toni's eyes sparkled. \"We do love a mystery. So, who answers that number?\"\n\nJack leaned forward and did a little drum roll on the counter with his fingertips. \"Ready for this?\"\n\n\"Uh-oh. Whenever you do that I know I'm going to hear something I might not like. So, whose number is it?\"\n\n\"A sweet little old lady. Grace Temple. Ever heard of her?\"\n\nToni nodded, frowning. \"Of course. I don't know her very well, though I've worked on a couple of committees she chaired. In fact, I owe her a lot. She always recommended my costumes for the big charity costume ball she hosted every Christmas. But everybody knows of her. She's a force in the community, heads up the Temple foundation, gives lots of bucks to lots of causes. She's ancient and rich as Croesus.\"\n\n\"That's not all she is. She's the great-aunt of a certain Royal Stewart, who just showed up here in Green Bay. And, as of this morning,\" he drummed another short roll, paused for effect and added, \"she's dead.\"\nChapter Four\n\nToni almost dropped her coffee cup. \"What do you mean, dead? As in really, really not-breathing dead?\"\n\nJack nodded. \"Yep. Her housekeeper found her this morning, lying at the bottom of the stairs in her foyer. It looks as if she fell down and whacked her head, which certainly could happen at her age. I think she was in her late eighties.\"\n\n\"Funny this should happen just when her great-nephew turns up.\" Toni stared at Jack. \"I don't remember hearing about her having any family here.\"\n\n\"I don't think she did, but that's just speculation on my part. I don't travel in her moneyed circle.\" Jack checked his watch and got up. \"Gotta go. Anyway, I put a rush on the repairs and the Porsche should be ready by Friday. I think the owner's staying at Temple House. If you see him, tell him.\"\n\n\"Not likely.\" Toni pulled a face. \"I don't think I'm one of his favorite people.\" And he certainly isn't one of mine.\n\nThe next morning Toni pored over Grace Temple's obituary in the Press-Gazette. It was extensive and complete, perhaps prepared ahead of time because of her advanced age of eighty-nine. College at Mount Mary, Milwaukee; Master of Fine Arts from UW Madison and an artist in her own right with some earlier canvasses having sold through New York galleries. A list of philanthropic activities, nearly too numerous to mention, but mentioned anyway. Married for over forty years to George Temple, who died ten years earlier. Died rich, Toni remembered, a successful businessman with lots of holdings around the area. No children. Only living relative great-nephew Royal Stewart, whereabouts unknown at press time. Services to be held...\n\nToni sipped her coffee and stared out the window at the brilliant orange leaves still clinging to the maple tree in her small yard. Whereabouts not unknown any more. Only living relative. Now a very rich only living relative. Who maybe couldn't wait to inherit? Who just happened to show up a few days before her death?\n\nYou read way too many mystery novels, Toni told herself and put down the paper. An old lady falls downstairs. Happens all the time. Except in mystery novels it's hardly ever that simple. Almost always, somebody was pushed.\n\nPushed. Not helped.\n\n****\n\nBecause Grace Temple had been a public person and a community benefactor, Toni wasn't surprised that the funeral was well attended. She walked into the crowded church and was writing her name in the guest book when a deep voice behind her said, \"Well, if it isn't Miss Dresser. Did you really know my Aunt Grace? Or are you just curious to see who would show up for her funeral?\"\n\nToni whirled to face Royal Stewart, her mouth agape, her eyes wide. \"Of course I expected to see you here, but certainly not to be rudely accused of curiosity.\" She stepped away from the table and handed the pen to a woman behind her in line. \"For your information, Mister Stewart, yes, I knew Grace and I came to pay my respects. I worked with her on a couple of her committees. She was huge supporter of my costumes for charity events, which I appreciated a great deal. And she was a dear.\" Toni stepped back to look him up and down. His expensive dark suit fit his broad shoulders without a wrinkle. His tie was a suitable meld of discreet colors. \"Which can hardly be said for you,\" she continued, her chin up. \"As for mourners, you hardly fit the role.\"\n\nHis heavy brows lifted, his blue eyes bored into hers. \"Really.\"\n\n\"Yes, really.\" What was it about this man that raised her hackles and at the same time made her want to know more about him? Toni's chin stayed up. \"Your manners were atrocious when I first met you and I see they haven't improved. You are, without doubt, the most obnoxious person I have ever come across.\" She kept herself from sticking out her tongue like a six-year-old. \"And just in case you haven't been contacted, your precious Porsche will be ready for you tomorrow at Meyer's Body Shop.\"\n\n\"Fine.\" He looked past Toni, reached out to shake hands with a man behind her and said in a deep, disturbing murmur, \"Thank you for coming. Yes, she was a wonderful person.\"\n\nHow would you know? Toni fumed inwardly. I bet you hadn't seen your dear Great-aunt Grace for a long time, if ever, before her death. Why did you come now? And, she wondered, studying the dark waves on the back of his well-shaped head, would Grace Temple still be alive if you hadn't?\nChapter Five\n\nWhat had been an ordinary story of the accidental death of a prominent elderly citizen soon turned into a full-scale investigation, which Toni followed with interest. Royal Stewart, according to the paper and local TV news, where his elegant demeanor and seriously handsome physique came across very well indeed, insisted that his great-aunt's death may not have been an accident. He had moved into her home\u2014Temple House was now his Toni supposed\u2014and let it be known he planned to stay until he was sure that justice had been done. Where had he come from, Toni wondered, and where would he go when and if he was satisfied with the outcome of the investigation?\n\n\"Guess your helper-guy isn't a suspect in his aunt's death,\" commented Jack over their next Thursday dinner. \"From what I hear, he seems to be working with the police, probably more than they might want.\"\n\n\"It does seem that way.\" Toni had made shrimp Alfredo tonight and it was disappearing fast along with a crisp Caesar salad. She watched her brother eat for a minute, then laughed. \"My gosh, Jack, haven't you eaten since last week?\"\n\n\"Sure. But nothing as good as this.\" Jack filled his plate with another helping and added a crusty garlic bread stick. \"My TV dinners aren't all that interesting.\"\n\nToni hesitated, twirling her wine glass to catch reflected flames from flickering tapers on the table, then asked, \"Have you run into him?\"\n\n\"Him as in Mr. Helper?\"\n\n\"Yes. He never came back to pick up his insurance card, and I thought he would.\"\n\n\"Thought or hoped?\" Jack's eyebrows raised over a teasing smirk.\n\n\"Thought,\" Toni said, though to be truthful, hoped was the better word. Wouldn't he need that card another time? And she really wanted to ask him if he would be civil enough to answer why he thought Grace Temple's death wasn't accidental. \"Well, have you? More wine?\"\n\n\"Yes, to wine. No, to whether I've run into him.\" Jack leaned back in his chair and contemplated Toni's face. \"I see the mystery man intrigues you.\"\n\nToni took a deep breath. \"I'll admit it, there's something about him. And,\" she paused long enough to grin, \"aside from his off-putting attitude, he's the best-looking man I've run into, pardon the pun, for a long time.\"\n\n\"Glad to see you aren't mourning your breakup with Bryce Andrews. I never did like that guy.\" Jack reached for the butter. \"Sis, you need to get out more. Have some fun. When's the last time you went out for a good time?\"\n\nToni made a face. \"Hard to remember. I've been way too busy. I've had a couple of murder mystery dinners to dress, Halloween is coming up before too long and then Thanksgiving and the holidays with all the party themes.\" She didn't mention the extra hours she put in working on the costume pattern book she was designing. That was her secret, at least for now. \"Anyway, back to Mr. Helper. In addition to being lordly, he's wholly obnoxious, which, you may be interested to know, I told him to his face.\"\n\n\"Really!\" Jack snickered. \"Bet that went over well. When?\"\n\n\"At Grace Temple's funeral. He accused me of being there out of curiosity.\"\n\n\"And were you?\" That teasing look was back on Jack's face.\n\n\"Of course not!\" She paused, then added, \"Well, maybe a little. I'll admit I was interested in seeing who would show up, and of course everybody who is anybody was there.\"\n\n\"Including you.\"\n\nToni grinned over her wine glass. \"Actually, it was kind of fun. I watched Stewart empathize with people he'd surely never known, but who were most interested in looking him over.\"\n\n\"Ah, sister super sleuth at work.\"\n\nToni leaned forward. \"Just think, Jack. What if he's right? What if somebody did push her down those stairs? Who would benefit except him?\"\n\n\"First off,\" Jack held out his empty cup for more coffee, \"probably a whole lot of charities that she'd named in her will. She was part of nearly every important foundation in the city.\"\n\nToni nodded, filling his cup. \"Sure. But beside that, the money part, there's her mansion, and who knows what else she owns? Owned.\"\n\n\"I remember a lot of small holdings were sold off back when her husband died. A couple of small shops over on Broadway bit the dust. She's still a majority stockholder in at least one of the paper mills here. She's always listed on boards of directors. And I think she owns a couple of downtown office buildings.\"\n\nToni raised her eyebrows. \"Impressive. You know about all this why?\"\n\nJack reached for the platter and helped himself to the rest of the Alfredo. \"You know us insurance guys. Always on the lookout for a lead, always needing to be able to make small talk. It helps to know who owns what where.\"\n\n\"I suppose.\" Toni thought for a moment. \"Jack, you don't know where Stewart came from before he showed up here, do you?\"\n\n\"Never tried to find out. Do you care?\"\n\n\"I just wondered.\"\n\n\"That oh-so-nonchalant look gives you away, sis. If I were you I'd steer clear of him. I'm not sure you can trust him. All that secrecy? He's hiding something.\"\n\nToni thought of her ill-fated affair with Bryce Andrews. Maybe he is. Maybe all of us are.\nChapter Six\n\n\"Hey, sista!\"\n\nToni looked up from hand-stitching the hem on a silky Chinese kimono as her door chimes tinkled with Drea Shore's flamboyant entrance. Toni's best friend, she'd dropped the \"An\" from \"Andrea\" when she opened Furs and Fancies, her upscale dress shop in downtown Green Bay.\n\n\"Hey sista yourself, girlfriend!\" Toni jumped up to give her a hug. Robust and almost six feet tall, Drea towered over Toni. They'd immediately formed a bond in a fashion class at UW Milwaukee and remained fast friends though their careers had careened in different directions when Drea went classy while Toni went costume. Wannabe's showroom was crowded with hundreds of Toni's handmade creations.\n\nThis afternoon Drea's wild, red-tinted dreadlocks sparkled with something that looked like diamond dust, and her pale cinnamon-colored leather coat nearly matched her smooth complexion. Dark, heavily accented eyes that tilted slightly lent her face a mysterious air.\n\n\"It's wonderful to see you,\" Toni said. \"Great jacket. Have some coffee? Or tea?\"\n\n\"Sure, whatever's handy.\" Drea dropped to the customer stool and examined a crimson fingernail. \"Drat! I caught this on my seat belt. Got an emery board?\"\n\n\"Sure.\" Toni shuffled through the pens and miscellaneous items in her counter drawer and handed Drea a file. \"I hope you're here to tell me my coat came in.\" She put herbal tea bags into cups and filled them with hot water.\n\n\"I wish. Sorry, it's still back-ordered.\" Drea laid the file on the counter. \"Want to try for a different style? I just got some new kickies to start off the season. If you're in a hurry, come in and try on.\"\n\n\"Kickies.\" Tony grinned and handed Drea a steaming cup. \"Not sure I fit that picture.\"\n\n\"With your curvy little body and all that blonde hair?\" Drea rolled out a deep-chested laugh. \"Girl, you could wear anything and look good.\"\n\n\"Thanks. But I really liked that buttoned-up military look. All business. No funny stuff, that's me.\"\n\nDrea narrowed her eyes and scrutinized Toni. \"My, how we've changed.\"\n\nToni sat and tented her fingers over her cup. \"I'm not sure I like the sound of that. We have changed, haven't we? What happened to those two carefree girls who partied half the night?\"\n\n\"They grew up? Took out loans? Opened stores?\"\n\n\"Yeah. But maybe Jack's right. He tells me I'm a stick-in-the-mud who needs to get out more.\" Toni frowned, then smiled. \"And with all the fall rush on costumes, it really has been a while since I had any fun.\" She stared into Drea's dark eyes. \"How about let's go out tonight. There's a new club next to that wine shop on University. It's supposed to be the 'in' place to hear upcoming bands. We used to like that kind of stuff.\"\n\n\"Yeah,\" Drea said, nodding. \"We sure 'nuf did.\"\n\n\"Unless you're busy.\" Toni waited, enjoying the shimmer of Drea's dreadlocks whenever she moved her head.\n\n\"No. Not that busy. And yes, I'll go. But,\" she pointed her newly filed fingernail at Tony, \"only if you come to the store and pick out a fun dress. Sparkly spaghetti straps and a full skirt, maybe, with heels to die for. Mesh stockings. Then I'll go.\"\n\nToni grinned. \"Get thee behind me, Satan. I could use a new dress. Not mesh stockings, though. But you'll have to dress up, too, in something totally off the grid.\"\n\nDrea grinned back. \"I can do that.\"\n\n\"If we're lucky, we won't run into anyone we know.\" Toni laughed. \"They'd never believe us.\"\n\n\"Or maybe,\" Drea drawled, \"we'll be lucky enough to meet someone we'd like to know.\" She got up. \"C'mon, sugar. We got us some shopping to do.\"\nChapter Seven\n\n\"Looks like a nice club.\" Drea pulled her bright red Mazda into the parking lot at Inspirations. She squinted at the building. \"Didn't this used to be a hog hangout?\"\n\nToni bit her lip and surveyed the neon sign proclaiming Martinis and More under a tipping cocktail glass. \"I think so, but not now. Their ad says it's been renovated, is under new management, and pulls in the best music from the area.\"\n\nA laughing couple burst out the door, sending a beam of soft light and the plaintive wail of a sax into the clear fall night along with a not-so-subtle drumbeat.\n\n\"Hmmm. Maybe I should have gone for those mesh stockings. That sounds rad,\" Toni observed.\n\n\"Rad?\" Drea raised her eyebrows. \"Well, don't you be just the hip chick. Let's check it out. If we no like we can always go back to one of our old haunts. Like McDonald's, heaven forbid.\" She slid out of the Mazda.\n\n\"God, you look fabulous,\" said Toni, eyeing Drea's thigh-length splashy silk that complemented her cinnamon skin and showed off her long legs. \"Any woman seeing you would die to know where you got that dress.\"\n\n\"And I'd be the first to tell them. You don't look so bad yourself.\"\n\nToni straightened her shoulders and sashayed toward the building on nearly impossibly high strap heels that would cause a twisted ankle if she wasn't careful. Dressing up really was fun for a change, and the spaghetti-strapped almost-nothing yellow slip dress she'd chosen from the Furs and Fancies' Have Some Swingy Fun! section fit her perfectly. \"On, Soldier,\" she commanded and reached for Drea's arm. Just in case the heels were treacherous.\n\nThey stood inside the door for a moment, taking in the murmuring bar crowd and swaying dancers on a postage-stamp floor. A mellow rendition of \"The Way We Were\" floated over the room from a five-piece band on a small stage. Glasses clinked; laughter rose above conversation. Kind of fun to be in a happening place. Guess I have been mud-stuck. \"Let's get a drink.\" Toni started toward the bar.\n\n\"Wait just a minute!\" Drea stopped and caught Toni's arm. \"Would you look at that!\"\n\n\"What?\"\n\n\"That sax player. Wow. Now there's a man!\"\n\nToni looked. Did a double-take. Swallowed.\n\nRoyal Stewart. Living the notes in a world of his own, caressing the keys with his long fingers. His dark hair fell over his brow, and his eyes were closed but she could still feel the way those blue beams bored into her at her shop, and at Grace Temple's funeral.\n\n\"You know that one?\" Drea narrowed her eyes at Toni. \"You been keeping something from me, girl?\"\n\n\"Not hardly. Quick, let's take those two open bar seats and I'll give you a run-down on Mr. Helper.\"\n\n\"Helper?\" Drea frowned. \"Interesting name. Got to be a story in that.\"\n\n\"Oh yes, there is.\" Toni nodded to the bartender. \"Gin martini, please. Very dry.\" She pulled out a twenty and laid it on the bar.\n\n\"Likewise,\" Drea told him, then turned to face Toni. \"So? Tell all.\"\n\nToni did and was just getting to her encounter with Stewart at Grace Temple's funeral when a familiar low voice behind them sent an unwelcome tingle down her back.\n\n\"I do hope I've parked far enough away from you tonight.\"\n\nToni almost choked. Driest martini I've ever tasted.\n\nThe tall man edged into the small space between them and smiled a mega-watt smile at Drea before turning to Toni. \"Going to introduce me?\"\n\n\"Sure. Drea Shore, meet Royal Stewart, otherwise known as 'Helper.'\" There. Done. She turned back to the bar. She'd been tempted to introduce him as \"Royal pain in the ass.\"\n\nStewart raised an eyebrow and shrugged at Drea. \"Is she always so prickly?\"\n\n\"Usually only with reason.\" Drea grinned at him over her glass. \"Does she have a reason?\"\n\n\"Proverbial wrong foot is all. Mine.\" He cut a sideways glance at Toni's set face. \"Really, I'd like to kiss and make up.\"\n\nToni nearly sucked her martini up her nose and muttered, \"As if.\"\n\n\"Guess I won't need ice in my drink, will I?\" Stewart ordered a Manhattan and turned to Drea. \"How do you know each other?\"\n\n\"We go way back,\" Drea answered, openly assessing the chiseled planes of his face. \"Toni told me how she met you but didn't tell me you were a musician. You play wonderfully.\"\n\n\"Thanks. Music keeps me sane. I sit in whenever I have time.\" He picked up his drink, sipped, then nodded his appreciation. \"I didn't expect to see anyone I knew here. I've only been in Green Bay a few days.\"\n\n\"A few days too many, if you ask me,\" Toni grumbled not quite under her breath and gestured to the bartender for another martini before she swiveled to look up at Stewart. \"Don't you have to get back to your band?\"\n\n\"All in due time.\" Stewart leaned one elbow casually against the bar. \"I'm liking the company here.\"\n\nDrea chuckled.\n\nToni looked Royal full in the face and met his blue flame head-on with a flash of her own. \"I doubt that. You've been nothing but rude every time I've crossed your path. You bring out the worst in me.\"\n\n\"But what a lovely worst it is.\" He reached out to run the back of his hand down Toni's cheek, stepped back and bowed when a drum roll reverberated over the room. \"Break over. Nice meeting you, Drea. I hope to see you again.\"\n\nToni watched his easy stride across the dance floor and his smooth step up onto the stage, her cheek on fire, her thoughts atumble. She felt a touch on her arm.\n\n\"Earth to Toni.\"\n\n\"Sorry, Drea.\" She sighed. \"He just gets to me.\"\n\n\"Um-hmm.\" Drea nodded. \"I noticed.\"\n\nToni stared across the club at Stewart, whose mellow, romantic rendition of \"Memories\" now wafted over the room. \"First he's anything but nice, now he's all of a sudden nice. What's that all about?\"\n\nAnd, she added to herself, why do I care?\n\nUp on the small stage, Royal Stewart's mind was not on the music, though his notes flowed, sweet and seamless, weaving over and under the entrancing melody of \"Early Autumn.\" His thoughts were on Toni Dresser and how it might feel to run his fingers through all those waves of curly hair. And how he could break down that wall his first encounters with her had built. That was something he fully intended to do. The exercise should be interesting. He hadn't had much time for personal relationships lately; too many consultations and too many assignments with too much at stake. His gaze followed her as she left the club with Drea, never giving him another glance. Okay, then. The ball was in his court...and he did enjoy a challenge.\n\n****\n\nAt Wannabe the next morning Toni stood at the shop window watching dry leaves skitter across the parking lot. She loved fall, the crisp air, the anticipation of Halloween, her favorite day of the year. But today nothing seemed interesting enough to work on, even though she had some costume orders for parties coming up. Her mind went\u2014as it seemed to do without her bidding ever since she'd met him\u2014to the mysterious, annoying Royal Stewart. No home address? He had to live somewhere, didn't he? What had he been doing? Where had he learned to make that sax sing as though its notes were meant for every woman in the club? And, more important, why did she care?\n\nShe grabbed her broom and began to sweep the hardwood floor in the workshop, though it didn't need it; she'd done a thorough cleaning yesterday. The man was the best kind of handsome\u2014well built and athletic with that intriguing dark stubble on his chin. She could imagine him excelling in any of a dozen sports. Hair that looked like black silk waving just above his collar, long legs in those slim jeans...she jabbed the broom at a dust bunny under the cutting table and a black ball of fur flew out with a belligerent yowl.\n\n\"Sorry, Midnight,\" she said, reaching down to pet him to make amends. \"Didn't know you were under there.\" She'd been too long without a love interest since brushing off Bryce Andrews, that was all. Unfortunately Bryce wasn't the kind to stay brushed. What part of \"not interested\" didn't he understand? His constant calls and messages, which she refused to answer, were infuriating.\n\nStewart hadn't contacted her\u2014why should he?\u2014but she assumed he'd picked up his Porsche. She did think he'd at least want his insurance card. Maybe she should send it to him at Temple House? No. She wasn't his secretary. Let the guy come after it if he wanted it.\n\nShe stuffed the broom into the mop closet, slammed the door and went to work mending the ripped seam in a renaissance dress that had just been returned.\nChapter Eight\n\nHumming, Jack helped himself to another plateful of bow-tie pasta with snow crab.\n\nToni watched him for a moment, then asked, \"Do your dates ever give you a hard time about that?\"\n\n\"About what?\" Jack stopped a full fork halfway to his mouth.\n\n\"That annoying humming when you eat. You've done it ever since you were a little kid.\"\n\n\"Sorry, didn't realize. And you remember that, why?\" His eyebrows were raised.\n\n\"Oh, I don't know. It was always just part of you with food. Seriously, I wonder if your dates mention it?\"\n\n\"Never have. Maybe I don't do it when things are humming along.\" He grinned and pointed his empty fork at her.\n\nShe pulled a face. \"I'll ignore that. Have some more salad. It's good for you. Have you heard anything from Mom and Dad?\"\n\nJack shook his head. \"Not much since they moved from Denver to Sun City. They're too busy with bridge and shuffleboard, and who knows what else.\"\n\n\"That's good. At least I haven't been getting so many met any interesting men lately? phone calls from Mom.\" Toni put her elbows on the table and rested her chin on her hands. \"I miss them, though, don't you?\"\n\n\"Sure. But they're healthy, happy and having fun. What more could we ask?\"\n\n\"You're right, of course.\" She handed him a basket of rolls. \"Different subject\u2014guess who I saw the other night at Inspirations?\"\n\n\"That new club up on University? Haven't been there yet. I give up. Who?\"\n\nShe pushed out her lower lip. \"You're no fun. You could at least guess.\"\n\nJack poured himself another glass of Chardonnay and topped off Toni's. \"Okay. The Queen of England.\"\n\n\"Wow, close. You got the 'royal' part right. Our Helper Royal Stewart.\"\n\n\"Really?\" Jack frowned. \"Doesn't seem like that would be his sort of place. What were you doing there?\"\n\n\"Drea and I were getting me unstuck from the mud you accuse me of wallowing in.\"\n\n\"Good move. Did it work? Did you have a good time?\"\n\nToni thought for a moment. \"Sort of. Kind of.\" Unconsciously she touched her cheek. \"He was playing sax in the band. Excellently, I might add.\"\n\n\"Really again. And? Did you talk?\"\n\n\"Not much.\" She pressed her lips together. \"He was very nice, and I was a bitch.\"\n\nJack grinned. \"Could happen.\"\n\nToni got up to make the coffee, saying over her shoulder, \"Spoken like a loving brother.\"\n\nJack narrowed his eyes and looked at her through imaginary binoculars. \"Ah, and vhat is theese I see? A crack in my seester's men-are-no-good\u2014except brothers, of course\u2014\" He added in an aside, \"and-are-to-be-avoided?\"\n\nToni sighed. \"No cracks in that scenario, ace. Want some lemon pie?\"\n\n****\n\nRoyal pushed aside the papers scattered on the desk in the study at Temple House, sat back and ran both hands through his hair. No surprises in Grace Temple's files so far. Between her attorney and her financial advisor, she and her money had been in good hands. But she'd said she had personal things to tell him, to show him. He frowned. What could they have been? About the family he never knew and probably now would never know?\n\nWith a sigh he swiveled his chair to face floor-to-ceiling bookshelves. Lots of historical novels and thrillers, along with books on birds and plants of Wisconsin\u2014evidently his great-aunt Grace had eclectic taste\u2014and two shelves of myths from different countries that she must have bought on her many world travels. At the bottom were two interesting objects: a lacquered box of intricate hand-painted designs, probably from India, and an enormous, leather-covered bible that appeared to have weathered many generations.\n\nHe opened the box to an old black-and-white photograph of two smiling girls holding hands, one probably three or four years older than the other, both wearing black patent slippers and dressed in white with bows in their sausage-curled hair. He turned the picture over and read \"Gracie, 10 - Anne, 6. Easter Sunday\" in faded ink. Royal searched for a resemblance to the mother he barely remembered. These girls were my family, my grandmother Anne and my great-aunt Grace. My history, and I haven't the faintest idea about their lives. Were they happy? Well cared-for? What were their stories? What did they love?\n\nHe put the photograph back in the box, pulled the heavy bible from the shelf and set it on the desk. Was Grace Temple religious? He had no idea. No idea about so many things. Didn't bibles sometimes include family information? He ran his hand over the smooth, worn leather before turning the fragile gold-edged pages to the center section\nChapter Nine\n\nWannabe's door chimes tinkled and Toni looked up expectantly from sewing sequins on the sparkling tutu on her lap, hoping for something, or someone, to take her mind off Royal Stewart. She didn't need another man to mess up her life. Since she and Drea had seen him at Inspirations, the plaintive mellow notes from his sax kept insinuating evocative melodies into her head. She could still feel the electric tingle of his finger on her cheek. And to be truthful, it was hard to forget those so-blue eyes that seemed to see right into her soul.\n\nShe caught her breath at the sight of her visitor. The man himself. Smiling.\n\nToday he wore boot-cut jeans and a crisp blue pinstriped shirt that matched his eyes. The sleeves were rolled to his elbows, revealing muscled forearms. Definitely a man who worked, or worked out. Maybe helping was an occupation that sometimes required physical strength? She shut her eyes for a second\u2014why was she thinking of Royal Stewart in a physical way anyhow?\n\nHe stepped toward the counter, his expression pleasant. \"How about some customer service here, Ms. Dresser? Aren't you even going to say hello?\"\n\nThe timbre of his low voice rattled her. \"Ouch!\" She jabbed her finger and held it in her mouth for a moment. Thank goodness that had been the last stitch in the costume. \"Hello. And I doubt you're a customer. Is there something I can do for you, Mr. Stewart?\"\n\nHe nodded, his gaze taking in the shop's disarray. Scraps of orange and black cloth, leftovers from Halloween costumes in the making, were draped over tables and shelves. A rack held half-sewn ghosts and goblins. A partially blown-up vampire drooped from the ceiling fixture.\n\nDrat. I should have straightened everything up this morning, but this tutu had to be ready for little Crystal's mother to pick up in a few minutes.\n\n\"Looks like you're in the middle of something fluffy there,\" Royal observed.\n\n\"I'm sure Crystal wouldn't think fluffy was the right word.\" Toni set the bundle of tulle on the counter and stood up. \"This is the tutu for the lead ballerina in the six-year-old group at Lynn's Ballet Studio. They're doing a mini version of Swan Lake.\"\n\n\"Lead dancer. Impressive.\"\n\n\"Her mama thinks so.\" Toni examined her finger. Good, no blood. \"Oh, of course. You've come for your insurance card.\" She pulled open the counter drawer.\n\nHe nodded again. \"Thanks. That, too.\"\n\nHolding out the slip of paper, she asked, \"Too? Too meaning what?\"\n\nHe slid the card into his wallet. \"I came to ask you to have lunch with me.\"\n\n\"Lunch!\" Toni sank onto her stool, feeling puzzlement written all over her face. \"We should have lunch? We, as in you and me?\"\n\n\"Why not? I have to eat. You have to eat. Lunch can accomplish that.\"\n\nBusying herself for time while she absorbed his invitation, Toni rose to hang the little tutu on a pink plastic hangar. She slipped it into a crisp white paper bag printed with a grinning clown wearing a red polka-dotted suit and waving three bright balloons, each proclaiming, \"Be what you WANNABE.\"\n\n\"Excellent logo,\" he said. \"Your design?\"\n\n\"Yes, thanks.\" Toni turned and frowned at him. \"I don't get it. I don't like you. You don't like me.\"\n\nOne corner of his mouth tilted up just a little. \"I never said I didn't like you. I'm pretty sure I might. And you might like me if you'd give me a chance.\" When she didn't say anything he put both palms on the counter and leaned toward her. \"And...I have an ulterior motive.\"\n\n\"And that would be what?\" Interested, she hung the bag on the coat rack near the door and waited.\n\nHe sighed. \"Okay, here it is. If you've seen the papers you know I'm convinced that my Aunt Grace didn't just fall down that staircase.\"\n\nToni nodded. \"So I've read.\"\n\n\"And that the police have decided to let this go as a simple accident. The detectives have all but told me to go away.\"\n\nToni watched his eyes darken, his jaw clench. \"That's difficult for you.\"\n\n\"Difficult doesn't describe it.\"\n\n\"I thought they might think you a suspect. That is, if it wasn't considered to be a fall.\"\n\nHe shook his head. \"No. I was in Milwaukee. Didn't find out about her death until I came back late that afternoon. The police are so sure it was accidental they're not even looking for a suspect.\" He stepped back and pounded one fist into his other palm, his eyes narrowing. \"It churns my gut that somebody hurt\u2014not just hurt\u2014killed, that sweet little old lady and is getting away Scot-free. I know it. I just know it.\"\n\nToni reached out to touch his arm and felt the electricity of his anger tingle through her fingers. \"Really, I understand how you must feel. And I love a mystery as much as the next person. But where's your proof? There wasn't a break-in, or a burglary, was there? According to the paper, nothing was missing.\"\n\nStewart paced to the large front window, paced back. \"No. Not that we know, anyway. But who's to say? Her husband's been dead for ten years. Most all her old friends are gone already. Her social life was mostly her committees and board meetings. Her safe deposit box held her expensive jewelry, and some really nice silver. According to the list it's all there. But something's off about the whole situation.\" He paused. \"And nobody but me seems to care to make it right.\"\n\nToni searched his face, saw desolation. And loneliness. And wondered, what's his story? \"But how is having lunch going to help?\"\n\nShe watched Stewart take a deep breath and relax his taut shoulders. \"Sorry. I get wound up. What I'm hoping is that since you knew my Aunt Grace you could give me some insight about her. We only had a few hours together before I left for Milwaukee. I'd like to have your take on what she was like...\" His voice trailed off. \"The truth is, I need someone to talk to, to sort things out.\"\n\n\"I told you I only worked with her on a couple of committees.\"\n\n\"I know. But anything you can tell me might help. Any gossip, whatever. Names of friends or acquaintances I could speak to. I haven't yet gone through all her papers, but I will. Maybe there'll be some answers there.\" He shrugged, both palms up, and grinned, an appealing little-boy look on his face. \"And what's not to like about having lunch? You pick the place, I pay the tab.\"\n\nThe door chimes tinkled and Crystal's mother breezed in for the tutu. \"Oh, you're a dear, Toni! I'm so rushed, send me the bill, okay?\" She was gone in a matter of seconds with the bagged tutu over her shoulder, her red plaid cape swinging behind her, its colors swirling like the fall leaves that drifted down through bright sunshine outside the window.\n\nToni hesitated, but only for a moment. Why not? Why not have lunch with a seriously handsome man on a brilliant fall day? \"Do I get to ride in that Porsche?\"\n\nHe grinned again and gestured toward the parking lot. \"Your chariot awaits.\"\n\nToni picked The Grapevine, a small, upscale restaurant attached to a home decor boutique just over the East River in Bellevue. She asked for one of the small alcoves off the main dining room where they could talk without being observed or overheard.\n\n\"Very nice,\" Stewart approved, checking out the comfortable setting, the tabletop fresh flower and the framed street scenes of foreign cities hanging on the walls. When sold, Toni mentioned, they'd be replaced with a different theme, changing the ambience of the little area. \"Perfect for an intimate lunch.\"\n\n\"I wasn't thinking intimate,\" said Toni, grimacing. Did he think she was seducing him? Nothing could be farther from the truth. \"I was thinking private.\"\n\n\"That works, too.\" He pulled out her chair, waited until she settled before meeting her eyes. \"I am sorry we got off on the wrong foot. May I call you Toni?\"\n\nShe rolled her eyes. \"It's my name.\"\n\n\"Oh, please.\" The warmth of his smile charmed her. \"You know we're going to be friends. Sooner than later, I hope, and I'd like you to call me Royal.\"\n\n\"Not Roy?\"\n\n\"God, no.\" He gave an exaggerated shudder. \"Makes me think of twanging guitars and riding a horse into the sunset. Which I would never do.\"\n\nToni almost giggled. Royal Stewart on a trusty pinto, lariat in hand? No, she couldn't picture that.\n\nThe welcoming waiter brought water, asked their preference for wine, named off the specials and disappeared.\n\nToni shrugged out of her jacket and slipped it over the back of her chair. \"If we're going to be friends, which, just so you know, I'm not so sure about quite yet, I get to ask questions.\"\n\n\"Fire away.\" Royal sipped his water, his eyes meeting hers. \"Doesn't mean I'll answer them.\"\n\n\"Okay, then.\" Toni put up her chin. \"First, what's with the Helper business? What, exactly, do you do?\"\n\n\"That's an easy one to answer. It's really simple. I'm good at business. Companies with problems hire me to come in, analyze what's going on, and help them clean up their messes.\"\n\n\"Just like that?\"\n\n\"Sometimes not as uncomplicated as it sounds, but by and large, clients are happy when I leave.\"\n\n\"And ride off into the sunset in your silver Porsche.\" He really does have a nice smile. He ought to smile more often.\n\n\"Yep. Pretty much.\"\n\n\"Where do you live? The newspaper said 'whereabouts unknown.' But you have a Virginia driver's license.\"\n\nHis brows went up. \"How do you know that?\"\n\n\"I haff my vays,\" she said, narrowing her eyes in her best imitation of a Russian spy. Then she grinned. \"The internet is my brother's life.\"\n\n\"You have a brother? Here in Green Bay?\"\n\nShe nodded, catching an odd note in his voice. Was it envy? \"My twin. Jack. We're close.\"\n\n\"Lucky girl. Other family?\"\n\n\"Parents in Arizona. Cousins all over. But wait a minute here, I'm asking the questions. So, you haven't a permanent home?\"\n\n\"Never needed one. Until now.\" He paused, twirling his wine glass. \"Now I think I might like one after all.\" His blue eyes bored into hers and his voice seemed to hold an underlying meaning that she couldn't quite pigeonhole. \"At least until everything is settled about Aunt Grace, I'll be staying at Temple House.\" She realized he was watching her thoughts play across her face.\n\nOf course Temple House would be his now. She pictured the three-story Victorian overlooking the Fox River where Grace Temple had chaired some of her committee meetings. Toni had nearly drooled over the elegant chandeliers and the curved staircase leading up to the third floor. It was a house meant for a family, where kids would sail paper airplanes from the second floor landing, for entertaining in the third floor ballroom. \"I mean...\" her voice trailed off. Shoot, I don't know what to ask, and I want to know everything about this man. What kind of a boy was he? Where did he go to school? Why hadn't he been in contact with Grace Temple over the years? She began with, \"Why is the telephone number on your card disconnected? How can you do business?\"\n\n\"Oh, did you try to call?\"\n\n\"My brother did. To tell you about the car.\"\n\n\"I changed servers. Here.\" He got out another card, drew a line through the previous number and wrote with a sleek silver pen. \"Sorry about that.\"\n\nShe slipped the paper into her purse. One question answered. She soldiered on. \"When did you get to Green Bay?\"\n\nThere was that half-grin again. \"The same day my car was damaged.\"\n\nShe noticed he hadn't said, \"The day you damaged my car.\" Maybe she'd been forgiven.\n\nThe waiter brought their wine, and Royal went through the approval ritual before their glasses were filled and they were alone again.\n\n\"Let me get this straight. You never knew your great-aunt before coming here just before she died?\"\n\n\"Right.\"\n\n\"And why was that?\" Toni couldn't imagine not knowing her family, annoying as they could be. Sometimes she even wished there were more of them.\n\nRoyal's forehead creased. His voice roughened. \"It's a long story. Not for publication, okay?\"\n\nChastised, Toni held up her hands, palms out. \"Got it. Sorry. My curiosity gets the better of me. Too much Nancy Drew in my youth. Your aunt was still alive when you came here, then.\"\n\n\"Yes, she was.\" His face clouded, then cleared. \"A delightful, savvy lady.\"\n\n\"So you spent some time with her?\"\n\n\"Not enough.\" He sighed. \"I wish I'd met her sooner. I was only with her for a couple of hours and then had to head down to Milwaukee to wind up a job. We planned that I'd finish there, then come back and stay with her for a while to get to know each other. She said there were things she needed to tell me. Things I needed to know.\"\n\n\"But she's family. You really mean you never met her before now?\" Toni couldn't fathom not knowing her aunts and uncles, her many cousins. Couldn't imagine her childhood's baptisms, birthdays and weddings without the Dresser clan celebrating in full force.\n\n\"Families aren't all like the Brady bunch, you know.\" He paused, his brow furrowed. \"There's so much she could have told me.\" He stopped, drank wine, went quiet.\n\n\"But the night she fell\u2014\" Toni hesitated, then plunged ahead. \"Where were you then?\"\n\nHe rubbed the side of his face and she caught the remorse that colored his words. \"My work ran late and I stayed in Milwaukee.\" He'd had no choice; the outcome of that assignment had been too important for too many people. \"I wish I hadn't.\"\n\nTheir food arrived, asparagus quiche of the day for Toni, a Reuben sandwich for Royal.\n\n\"This looks delicious. And that's more than enough about me,\" he said, snapping his napkin onto his lap and neatly cutting off more questions. \"Now let's talk about you. Are you involved with anyone?\"\n\nToni felt a flush tinge her face. \"That's a bit personal, isn't it?\"\n\nHe smiled. \"Maybe. But it's only fair that I get to find out more about you, too.\"\n\nThe old saying that all was fair in love and war came to mind. Sometimes she wondered how you could tell the difference. She twisted her wine glass. \"Involved? In a word, no. Not now.\" Her chin came up. \"And I don't intend to be.\"\n\nHis mouth twitched. \"Did that have a 'so there!' attached to it? You don't sound entirely convinced.\"\n\n\"My dear Mr. Stewart, I don't need to convince anyone but myself. Let's just say that some relationships are just too damn much work.\"\n\n\"Ah, but all the self-help books insist the results can be rewarding.\"\n\nShe rolled her eyes. \"So they say. And that's enough about me. Let's talk about your great-aunt Grace.\"\n\n****\n\nAn hour later Royal brought Toni back to the shop, where an envelope was taped to the door. \"Looks like you had a visitor,\" he said.\n\n\"Not again!\" Toni pulled the envelope loose, ran her finger under the flap and unfolded a single sheet of paper. When she looked up at Royal her eyes were dark with anger. \"This is ridiculous.\"\n\n\"What is it?\" He reached for the paper, read the large block letters. \"DON'T GET INVOLVED WITH STEWART. HE'S NOT WHAT HE SEEMS.\" Royal frowned, holding his anger down to keep it from showing in his voice. \"Who would leave you something like this?\"\n\nToni jabbed her key into the lock and kicked the door open, her mouth set in a tight line. \"Only one person I can think of. And he's going to hear from me ASAP.\" She slammed her purse onto the counter, shrugged out of her jacket and jammed it onto the coat rack.\n\n\"You know it's a he?\"\n\n\"Oh, yes. I'm sure.\" Images of Bryce Andrews floated to the front of her mind: slim, sun-browned, blond wind-blown hair. Too damned good-looking. On his sailboat, competent. On the golf course, competent. Handling his BMW, competent. In bed, competent. In charge. Always in charge. Toni grabbed the paper from Royal, ripped it half, then half again, and pitched it into the wastebasket by the counter. \"Oh, yes,\" she repeated through gritted teeth. \"I'm sure.\" Toni caught herself, realizing she'd morphed from her usual calm to a vibrating pillar of anger. Think Yoga, Toni. Breathe.\n\nRoyal closed the door, leaned against it and crossed his arms, frowning. \"Who is this guy and what does he have to do with me? I'm guessing a jealous former lover?\" He paused, eyebrows raised. \"At least I hope former?\"\n\nToni whirled around, her hands fisted, face flushed. \"Don't even ask. The man's a controlling pain in the ass.\" She swallowed, took a deep breath and looked anywhere but at him while she composed herself. \"Sorry. You didn't need to see a hissy fit.\"\n\n\"Maybe I did.\" His grin was maddening. \"I never saw a woman fire up quite like that. What did mister pain-in-the-ass do to deserve it?\"\n\nToni sighed. \"Just tried to run every aspect of my life is all.\"\n\n\"And is still trying, from the evidence in the wastebasket.\"\n\n\"Very observant. He wasn't pleased when I broke off our relationship. It's obvious he still isn't.\" Toni picked up her purse and slipped it under the counter. She looked up at Royal, thought Yoga again and breathed. \"I'm sorry, I'm forgetting my manners. Thanks for a delicious lunch. I don't think I gave you much insight into your Aunt Grace, though.\"\n\n\"Maybe not. But I think I got some insight into Toni Dresser.\" He grinned. \"And I don't think I ever want to get on her bad side.\"\n\n\"Sorry you witnessed my snit, but hey,\" Toni pulled a rueful face, \"what you see is what you get. The lunch break was great. Now I've got to put together another couple of tutus.\"\n\nHe turned at the door. \"And maybe take some time to put Mr. Pain-in-the-ass in his place as well?\"\n\n\"That, too.\"\n\nToni watched Royal fold his tall body into the Porsche and drive away. She frowned. Had he really said he hoped Bryce was a former lover? What had he meant by that?\n\nWhy had Bryce written that note? And what was she going to do about him?\n\nTwo tutus later, Toni was working on a Pilgrim suit for a fourth grade pageant when the phone rang.\n\n\"Honey? Are you all right? You haven't called for the longest time!\"\n\nToni smiled, stopped her sewing machine and watched leaves drift down outside her window. She'd talked with her parents just last weekend. \"The phone works both ways, Mom. How are you? How's Dad?\"\n\n\"Fit and fine, both of us. He's off at the shuffleboard court. I know Thanksgiving's a while away but we were wondering if you, and Jack, too, might get away for a long holiday weekend. Unless...\" She paused and Toni waited for what she knew was coming. \"Unless either of you has a friend you don't want to leave.\"\n\n\"Oh, Mom.\" Toni couldn't help smiling. \"You're so transparent.\"\n\n\"Well, I can always hope. You are getting older. Grandchildren don't just pop out of a cereal box, you know.\"\n\n\"Don't get testy, Mom. I never thought they did.\" Toni was quiet for a moment, remembering the good times when she and Jack were young and every day seemed steeped in laughter, love and care. That was what she wanted most in her life: to marry and raise a family, to give her children the happy, carefree kind of childhood she'd had. With someone who felt the same way. Certainly not Bryce Andrews. He'd have them regimented like little soldiers. \"I love you, Mom.\"\n\n\"I know.\" Her voice sounded wistful over the miles. \"Just putting a little thought in your head. But seriously, couldn't you come down for a visit? Even a short one? We miss you both so much.\"\n\n\"Or you could come here. But I know if I ask that you'll give me the weather report about how much nicer November is in Arizona rather than in Green Bay. I will talk to Jack, though.\" She paused. \"Maybe he's working on grandchildren.\"\n\n\"Really? Does he have a girl?\" Toni heard the lift of hope in her mother's voice. \"He won't tell me, you know. His love life is a big secret. Like I don't know anything about sex. How he thinks he got here, I don't know.\"\n\nToni laughed aloud. \"Once burned, twice shy, they say. Claudia was a disaster and he's not over that experience yet.\"\n\n\"Thank God that fell apart.\" Her mother snorted. \"I didn't like her from the start.\"\n\n\"But he did, Mom. He really cared about her. Until he learned she'd lied to him about her past. Jack could never live with a liar.\"\n\n\"I know. I do hope he'll get over it, find someone else. He is looking, isn't he?\" There was that transparent hope again.\n\nToni made a face. \"Not that I've seen. Not yet. Let it go, Mom. It's his life.\"\n\n\"A fact of which he never fails to remind me.\" Her audible sigh came across the line. Then, \"So, what are you working on?\"\n\nThey chatted, caught up, and when Toni put down the phone she stared out the window for a few minutes. Babies. Motherhood. Of course that was what she wanted, in the best of all worlds. A family to treasure, to nurture, to provide with love and happiness. However, in her book, that required a man, and there wasn't one waiting in the wings. She sighed. Why did blue eyes come to mind? She shook her head and went back to sewing buttons on the Pilgrim suit.\n\nAnd trying to decide what to do about Bryce Andrews, who definitely didn't fit the future she wanted for herself.\n\nIn the end, it was garlic that had tipped the scales against Bryce. Though he was well-read, an easy conversationalist who planned great surprise getaways and picked out the best restaurants, it was always his choice of destination, his restaurant, and usually, his selection of food for her as well as himself. They traveled from Door County to Sheboygan, north to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and as far west as Wausau, seeking out the best supper clubs, usually listening to his choice of music on the way.\n\nShe'd often wondered what he would do if she spoke up at one of their elegant meals and ordered a cheeseburger with fries. They had no couples friends, and though Toni had suggested widening their social life to include others Bryce had never agreed, saying, \"I'd rather have you to myself.\" The well-heeled owner of a successful worldwide travel company, he'd often offered to take her with him on exotic trips, which she'd refused.\n\n\"What has Mr. Perfect done to you, Toni?\" Jack asked over one of their Thursday dinners, uncorking a bottle of wine that was far more expensive than the brand they usually drank. \"Your hair is different, your house is so neat it's scary and now you're buying pricey wine.\"\n\nShe shrugged. \"Bryce prefers it.\"\n\n\"I just bet he does.\" Jack filled their glasses and studied her attire. \"Jeez, sis, you've even changed the way you dress.\"\n\nHave I? She questioned herself and realized that yes, she had. Instead of her casual, comfortable wardrobe, she found herself picking out clothes by whether or not Bryce would approve.\n\nShe knew she was a good cook\u2014Jack would attest to that\u2014but when she cooked for Bryce, there was almost always something not quite right. That final night it had been the mashed potatoes.\n\n\"Thank you for dinner, Toni,\" Bryce had said, smiling, lifting his glass of sparkling wine to hers. \"The loin was excellent. However, the potatoes could have used just a tad more garlic. Perhaps next time?\"\n\nShe'd felt her eyes widen even as she stared at him across the candlelit table, taking in his smoothly styled hair, his impeccably starched collar and muted tie. No. Not next time. Probably never, actually. I'm tired of being never quite right.\n\nBut before she had a chance to open her mouth to say so he had leaned forward and held out a small velvet box. \"I know you've been waiting for this.\" He smiled again, smug, his perfect teeth white against his summer tan. \"I thought it was time.\"\n\nToni sat back. She hadn't been waiting, and no, it wasn't time.\n\nHe flipped open the box and held it toward her. \"Toni Dresser, will you marry me?\"\n\nShe caught her breath and pushed the box back toward him, shaking her head. \"Oh, Bryce, don't. Put that away. It's beautiful, but I can't take it.\"\n\n\"What do you mean?\" His handsome face clouded. \"Haven't you been expecting a ring? I thought... Has this all been just fun and games for you?\"\n\nToni sighed, palms up. \"Of course not. I've enjoyed our times together. They've been great. But they can't lead to marriage. Not for us.\"\n\n\"You can't be serious!\" He stood and pushed his chair back with such force it crashed backwards to the floor. His eyes glittered, narrowed.\n\nShe cringed. She'd seen his temper more than once, and it hadn't been pretty. But it had never before been directed at her. He looked beyond angry. He looked dangerous. He leaned over the table, so close to the candles she was afraid his hair would catch on fire. His face was flushed, his eyes dark with anger. \"What do you mean, you can't marry me? I've already bought our house.\"\n\n\"What!\" Toni leaped to her feet, too, felt her heart pounding. \"You've bought our house? You went and bought a house without even asking whether I wanted to marry you?\" Her throat was so tight she could hardly speak. \"What colossal ego! Didn't you think I might want to have a say in that? If we were getting married?\"\n\nHe took a deep breath, snapped the ring box closed and thrust it into his jacket pocket. \"If! I didn't know there was an if. Of course, I bought the house.\" He was shouting now. \"For our future. The right house, in the right neighborhood.\"\n\nBut probably not the neighborhood I would pick. Anything he chose would be far too big, too ostentatious. Too Bryce.\n\nHis fury narrowed his eyes, constricted his voice. He'd never sneered at her like that. \"You wouldn't even know what to look for, what we'd need.\"\n\n\"No,\" said Toni, shaking her head. \"You're right, I wouldn't. Because there is no we. Oh, Bryce. Please calm down. I'm sorry.\" She reached out but he'd already backed away.\n\n\"Sorry! You're sorry!\" He whirled, strode to leave the room but turned and shook his finger at her. His voice was rough. \"I'll talk to you later. After you've come to your senses.\" He was at the door in three strides, slammed it so hard the house shook.\n\n\"Whoa!\" Toni sat back on her chair and caught her breath. \"Come to my senses?\" she muttered. She lifted her glass of expensive wine toward the closed door. \"I think I already did.\"\n\nAnd all because of garlic.\n\nShe sipped. It really was good wine.\nChapter Ten\n\n\"Not you again.\" Detective Phil Carson, balding, rumpled and a bit overweight, pushed aside some paperwork. \"Don't you ever give up?\"\n\nRoyal Stewart slid onto the chair at the side of the desk. \"I'm persistent when I need to be.\"\n\n\"I get that.\" Carson leaned back. \"Don't even ask. I don't know anything new about your aunt's fall. If you don't know anything new, we don't have anything to talk about. We've closed the incident.\" He waved a hand over the piles of papers. \"Go away. I've got some real ongoing cases to work on here.\"\n\nStewart ran a hand through his dark hair and fixed the detective with a blue stare. \"And I get that. You're a busy man. But something's missing about this situation. I don't think you've done enough investigating.\"\n\nCarson narrowed his eyes, sat back and crossed his arms over his chest. \"You're not the first disgruntled survivor who thinks that about an accident to a near and dear one. And just for the record, from what I understand, old Mrs. Temple wasn't all that near and dear to you.\"\n\n\"Maybe not, and that's my loss.\" Royal leaned forward. \"But you know as well as I do that it's possible, just possible, she didn't fall. Maybe she wasn't upstairs at all. Maybe she was placed right there at the bottom of those stairs. That injury could have been caused by a blunt force attack.\"\n\n\"Blunt force, huh. You want to talk like a cop, Mr. Mysterious Guy?\" Carson leaned forward and rubbed his face with both hands before he went on, speaking slowly as though to make sure Stewart understood. \"The indentation on the side of her head exactly matches the corner on the base of the staircase newel post. Mrs. Temple was old. She tripped on her long robe at the top of the steps and lost her balance. Her skull was paper thin.\" Carson's face reddened. \"You pop up from nowhere just before your very rich old aunt's found dead. You may, as far as I know, have hired somebody to do the job yourself. Aren't you the only heir?\" He tossed his pencil onto the desk and huffed. \"You think you can find something we've missed after we've signed off on her fall and make us look like dolts?\"\n\nStewart grinned and shrugged. With his extensive training, that was a possibility, but he appreciated the detective's straight-on attitude. \"That's about it.\"\n\nCarson stared at him for a moment, then shook his head. \"So go for it, Sherlock. I'll have copies made of the closed record, photos included. You can pick them up at the front desk on your way out. Go play cop. Or P.I. Or F.B.I. Or C.I.A. Just don't play in my sandbox.\"\n\n\"Got it.\" Royal Stewart stood up, nodded. \"Thanks.\"\n\n****\n\nAcross town, dressed in casual khakis, sneakers and a coral sweater set, Toni reveled in the brilliant fall sky and closed the hatchback on her van. A perfect day for a drive to Door County to deliver her costumes and catch up with Lisbet and Courtney. She turned the ignition key.\n\nA chirrup, a grind, then silence.\n\n\"Come on, baby,\" she muttered and tried the key again. This time, nothing. She thumped her fists on the steering wheel and groaned, \"Dammit!\"\n\nAnd ever-handy Jack was out of town.\n\nShe lowered her head on her arms and sighed, knowing she should have taken the van into the shop the first time this happened, but Jack had jump-started it.\n\n\"Looks like something's wrong with the ignition. Or maybe you just need a new battery, sis,\" he'd said once the engine was running. \"When are you going to learn to take care of your car?\"\n\nShe'd fixed him with an icy stare, then melted. \"Soon. Really, I will. But not today.\"\n\n\"You'll be sorry.\" He'd driven off, waving, as she called her thanks.\n\nAnd he was right, she was sorry now. The overstuffed garment bag of costumes she'd stowed in the back of the van were due at Wannabe II, Toni's Sister Bay shop, this afternoon. She pulled her cell phone out of her purse and speed-dialed Drea at Furs and Fancies.\n\nNo luck there. \"She's in Chicago, Toni,\" said Drea's assistant. \"Anything I can do for you?\"\n\n\"No, thanks. Just looking for a car to use for a few hours.\"\n\n\"Be happy to loan you mine, but it's in the shop.\"\n\nWhere Toni's should have been before now. Again, she really was sorry. And without transportation. Should she call Triple A and hope they'd rescue her soon enough? Or call Lisbet Mitchell and tell her the costumes wouldn't make it to Sister Bay today? Damn. Lisbet and her customers wouldn't be happy.\n\nSuddenly a familiar silver Porsche, top down, came to a stop beside her van and Royal Stewart appeared at her window. Which she couldn't slide down without power. Toni opened the door, looked up at him, grimaced and muttered, \"Hi. What are you doing here?\"\n\n\"Who-hoo.\" He backed up, palms out. \"I'm not feeling very welcome. I was driving past and saw you sitting in your parking lot. Leaving?\"\n\nToni snorted. \"I thought I was, but my battery said no.\"\n\n\"Did you know it was bad?\"\n\nJust like a man. \"What am I, clairvoyant?\" She bit her lip. \"Sorry. Yes, for your information, I knew it was bad. But I thought it would come through for me this one more time.\"\n\n\"Ah. And you planned to be somewhere?\" He stuck his hands casually in the back pockets of his snug jeans that left little to the imagination.\n\nToni flushed and raised her gaze to his face. \"I need to be up in Door County, at my Sister Bay outlet. This afternoon.\" She glanced at her watch and sighed. \"Which is quickly disappearing.\" She caught that interesting and annoying twitch at the corner of Royal's mouth. Was he laughing at her?\n\n\"Could you make use of a Porsche with a perfectly good battery? And a willing driver?\"\n\nToni resisted taking his offer. But not for long, remembering his elegant calling card. He could be the Helper she needed right now. \"You're not busy?\"\n\nThe hand he offered to help her out of the van sent a tingle all the way up her arm. \"Never too busy to help a damsel in distress. You are in distress, aren't you?\"\n\nToni had to admit it, through gritted teeth. Why was she so awkward with this man? But she knew why. There was that dratted attraction that drew her and if she wasn't careful, would pull her into... She realized he was talking.\n\n\"Why do you need to be there today?\"\n\nToni walked around him to tug open the hatchback. \"These are costumes for the big Fall Ball fundraiser tomorrow night. The manager for my Sister Bay store will skin me alive if I don't get them to her today.\"\n\n\"Well, we can't have that, now, can we?\" Royal lifted the bulky bag with ease, stowed it in the back of the Porsche and opened the passenger door for her. \"Hop in.\"\n\nThe afternoon was another Wisconsin fall wonder, too warm for the season, bright with remaining orange and red foliage along the roadside. Toni leaned back against the smooth leather seat and reveled in the relaxing sun and the carefree wind tangling her long curls. \"Wonderful,\" she murmured. A day to savor, and one to put aside any misgivings about the man beside her. What was that old adage about gift horses? She asked, \"Nobody needed your help today? Didn't you have anything you had to do?\"\n\n\"Nothing more important than getting you to where you need to be,\" he replied, smoothly speeding up to pass a couple of cars. \"I'm between jobs. You have a second store up in Door County?\"\n\n\"Yes. My friend Lisbet runs it along with her coffee shop.\"\n\n\"She's a Door County native?\"\n\nToni laughed. \"No, she's a transplant, like many who come to the County for vacation, fall in love and never look back.\"\n\nRoyal took in this information with eyebrows raised. \"Really? It's that special?\"\n\n\"So they\u2014they being the Chamber of Commerce\u2014say.\" She leaned forward, turning to look at movement in a stubbled field. \"Oh, look! See those wild turkeys? There must be a dozen of them.\"\n\n\"Turkeys! You're kidding. Where?\" He slowed momentarily, craning his neck.\n\n\"Too late.\" She sat back. \"You missed them. That's what you get for driving so fast.\"\n\nHe quirked an eyebrow. \"Trying to pick a fight with your benevolent, and, I might add, free chauffeur?\"\n\n\"Never.\" She grinned and settled back, contented. \"At least not on a grand day like today.\"\n\n\"So, tell me about Lisbet. Is she an old friend?\"\n\n\"No, but she's become a good one. She has a nine-year-old, Andy, he's a dear, and is expecting a baby early next summer. Her sister, Courtney, runs a sports store in Sister Bay and is a big fan of both costumes and coffee. Which, by the way, is the name of Lisbet's store.\" Toni smiled. \"The three of us clicked as soon as we met. They're the sisters I never had.\"\n\n\"That's special.\" His voice held that wisp of longing that Toni had caught before whenever friendship or family was mentioned. \"Is her store profitable? How long have you had it?\"\n\n\"A couple of years. Lisbet does well, but I know if I spent a bit more time there, worked at advertising more, and set up an internet presence, I could add to my income. Which,\" she bit her lip, \"could use a boost.\" Then she sat forward, looked at him and lifted her chin. \"But don't get me wrong. I don't need a helper.\"\n\nHe grinned. \"Of course not. Only a reliable vehicle.\"\n\nShe laughed at herself. \"Right. Did I say thanks?\"\n\n\"No. But you can say it later, after we've delivered your costumes and you've shown me a bit of Door County. From all I've heard it's pretty fascinating.\"\n\nToni nodded. \"It really is. 'A bit of New England in the Midwest' to paraphrase the Chamber of Commerce again. Each village has its own ambience.\" She gave a deep, satisfied sigh and leaned back. \"What a glorious day to be on the road! And, for your information, in just a few minutes we'll be halfway to the North Pole.\"\n\n\"Really? Well, now. That is interesting. Can't say as I've ever been this far north before.\"\n\nToni sat forward. Was this her chance to find out more about him? \"Where did you grow up?\"\n\nHe paused for a long moment before answering. \"Not important. Let's just say I grew up and let it go at that.\"\n\nBryce Andrews' note flashed into Toni's mind: HE'S NOT WHAT HE SEEMS. \"Okay, I get it. Off limits, right?\"\n\n\"Right.\" He smiled, but even through his dark glasses she saw his eyes darken. From what? Painful memories? She could only guess.\n\n\"Now,\" he said, \"where was that halfway to the North Pole mark?\"\nChapter Eleven\n\nToni rubbed her hands over her face. The man just won't open up. Maybe he really does have something to hide. So forget the personal questions for now. \"Have you learned anything more about your aunt's fall?\" she asked.\n\n\"No. But I did get a copy of the report on it from Detective Carson today, so that's something to work with. I haven't had time to look it over yet.\"\n\n\"Phil's great. I've known him since I was a little kid. He was one of the 'big boys' in my neighborhood. Always stood up for the underdog, tried to make things right. I'm sure he's done everything he could to learn about your aunt's death. He's a straight-up guy.\"\n\n\"Seems so. But I'm still going to do some digging,\" said Royal. \"Just to satisfy myself. I've been going through her papers, but I don't know enough about Grace Temple to get a real feel for her. I haven't yet talked to any of her friends. There aren't many of those her age left, as you may have noticed at her memorial service.\" Royal made a face and breathed, \"Peee-uw!\" as he deftly steered around a flattened skunk on the highway. The lingering odor followed them for only a moment. \"On another subject, have you heard any more from mister pain-in-the-ass?\" Royal's mouth tightened. \"I'd be interested to learn why he felt free to leave you a note about me.\"\n\nI would, too, but I'm not going to open that can of worms anytime soon. The farther I stay away from Bryce's controlling personality, the better. \"Don't give Bryce Andrews another thought,\" she said. \"He isn't worth it. I left him a steaming voice mail that should have melted the wires in his phone, but I didn't talk with him directly. It wouldn't have done any good anyway. Shouting matches aren't my thing.\"\n\n\"Just kicking doors?\" At the scowl she gave him his mouth twitched. \"Sorry, couldn't resist. No offense.\"\n\nShe had to smile, remembering her near tantrum at finding Bryce's note. \"None taken.\" She relaxed, savoring the sun sparkling on the deep blue waters of Green Bay, the fall colors and the warm wind caressing her face. She sneaked a peek at Royal's profile. A week ago I would never have believed we'd be in the same room without sniping, let alone spend hours together in a small car. She almost grinned, imagining what her mother would make of it. Probably be ordering engagement announcements. That was another can of worms Toni wasn't about to open.\n\n\"You make a pretty good tour guide,\" observed Royal as Toni pointed out sights of interest and offered smidgens of Door County lore while they drove. \"How is it you're so familiar here?\"\n\n\"Hours and hours of vacation when I was a kid,\" she replied. \"My folks rented a cottage in a different town up here every year for two weeks\u2014Dad was born up near Ephraim\u2014so Jack and I explored the Door from top to bottom. We put miles on our bicycles until we got too cool for that and learned to drive.\"\n\n\"Lucky kids,\" Royal said, and again Toni heard a tinge of envy in his voice. What was the story he was so loath to share?\n\nThey stopped at Double Delites in Egg Harbor for an Italian gelato.\n\n\"Thirty flavors,\" Royal groaned, shaking his head as he leaned over the counter with its many-colored pails of creamy ices. \"How am I supposed to decide?\"\n\n\"Easy, just shut your eyes and point.\"\n\nHe got black raspberry. Toni decided on rich Donatella, the store's chocolate hazelnut specialty.\n\n\"So you're a chocolate lover?\" Royal asked as they sat at a picnic table outside to enjoy the treats.\n\n\"Oh, yeah.\" She slurped a delicious mouthful off the top of her double cone, her eyes nearly closing with pleasure. \"You can never get too much chocolate.\" She felt the heat of his gaze follow her tongue as she licked gelato off her lip and hastily used her napkin.\n\n\"Never too much? I'll remember that,\" he said.\n\nRoyal listened to Toni's Door County tidbits as they wound past Fish Creek and Ephraim, and followed her directions to the Country Walk Shops just off Highway 42 before entering Sister Bay proper. \"Turn here. Go left, down toward the far end, right next to the bookstore.\" She pointed. \"See the sign?\"\n\nHe spotted the clown figure first, proclaiming WANNABE II and next to it the words COSTUMES AND COFFEE, swirling up from a steaming coffee cup. \"Catchy.\" He pulled into a parking spot in the lot across from the store.\n\n\"Thanks. I think so, too. It's my design,\" said Toni, smiling at his assessment of it. \"This was just Lisbet's second season and she did really well. Of course now that the tourists are pretty much gone, it will mostly be local custom until next summer. She's planning some events to bring more of them in\u2014maybe a morning book club, featuring local authors, a knitting class or something like that.\"\n\n\"Sounds like good thinking.\"\n\nA replica of the door chime in Toni's Green Bay shop tinkled as they walked into a small, crowded but neatly arranged showroom. Left of the door, racks displaying various costumes took up floor space; stacked shelves holding different headwear and accessories lined the walls. Feather boas and lace stoles were draped over a folding clothes rack. A showcase offered jewelry, gloves and small accessories. A cheerful coffee shop on the right, featured five small round tables covered with bright cloths repeating the primary colors in the WANNABE clown's balloons. A covered tray near the coffee maker offered berry scones with clotted cream and other pastries to accompany coffee or tea. Chatting women with shopping bags stacked beside their chairs occupied two tables. Behind the counter Lisbet Mitchell and Courtney Spencer turned toward the door, their faces lighting with pleasure.\n\n\"Toni!\" they both said at once. Lisbet wiped her hands on a cherry red apron and came around the counter to give Toni a hug. \"You made it! Thank God.\"\n\n\"No. Thank my escort, Royal Stewart.\" Toni gestured toward Royal. \"Meet Lisbet on the left, Courtney on the right.\" She paused to hug Courtney, too. \"I've told him about both of you. Royal saved my life today when the black beast refused to start,\" she explained.\n\n\"Again?\" Courtney laughed, shaking her head. \"When are you\u2014\"\n\nToni cut her off with a raised palm. \"No more lectures about proper car care today, please. I promise I'll get the van fixed. Anyway, we brought your costumes.\"\n\n\"I'll bring them in.\" Royal headed for the door.\n\n\"Whoo-hoo!\" said Lisbet, watching through the large front window as Royal easily lifted the bulky garment bag from the convertible. \"Where did you find that hunk?\"\n\n\"That hunk with a Porsche,\" added Courtney, raising an eyebrow. \"Tell all.\"\n\nToni sighed, her gaze on Royal. He really was a hunk. And today a very accommodating one. \"Long story,\" she said.\n\n\"But an interesting one, I'll bet,\" commented Lisbet, her eyes sparkling with curiosity. \"Let's get those costumes hung up. You are planning to stay for the fund-raiser tomorrow night, aren't you, Toni? You even brought a ready-made escort and I so wish you'll be here to party with us. We'll have such fun!\"\n\n\"Wait a minute! I have a business to run, remember?\" Toni laughed. \"Royal may want to get back. We hadn't made any plans to stay.\"\n\n\"Oh, pooh. Today's Friday and you don't need to open tomorrow, do you, really? Jerry's dressing as a pirate.\" Lisbet giggled. \"Isn't that funny, a tow-headed Blackbeard? He's been stomping around the house, practicing his 'Aaarrghs!' Andy thinks it's goofy. Jerry thinks it's sexy. And Link is, what is he again, Court?\"\n\n\"The Phantom of the Opera.\"\n\nToni held the door open as Royal brought in the costumes. \"What's this about the Phantom of the Opera? That's my favorite musical.\"\n\n\"It's my husband's, too,\" said Courtney. \"He's going to be the phantom. He's got the tux, so all he needs is the half-mask for the ball. I'll be Christine, but that's an easy costume. Pretty, too.\"\n\n\"We've been invited to stay over and attend the party. Interested?\" Toni asked Royal. \"Or do you have to get back?\"\n\n\"No, I don't have to be anywhere. Would we have to dress up?\"\n\n\"'Fraid so.\"\n\n\"Not my most favorite thing,\" he said, but relented at Toni's wistful expression. \"Looks like you want to.\"\n\nShe shrugged and grinned. \"It might be fun. If we can find costumes.\"\n\n\"We'll find them,\" said Lisbet, hanging up a slithery lizard dress from the box they'd brought. \"You've come to the right place.\"\n\n\"I'll do it, but under duress.\" Royal pinned Toni with a blue stare. \"And you'll owe me one.\"\n\n\"One what?\" Toni put her chin up.\n\n\"Don't know yet.\" He grinned, tilting his head. \"I'll think of something.\"\n\nToni rolled her eyes. She'd just bet he would.\n\n\"Come on,\" said Lisbet, leading the way to the racks in the costume shop. \"Now let's see...\"\n\nRoyal rejected a frilly-wristed outfit from the Regency era, a Chicago Cubs baseball uniform and an Egyptian robe and fez before saying, \"Look, I've already got jeans and short boots. I'll settle for that ten-gallon hat and these-here six-shooters,\" he drawled as he buckled on the holsters he'd pulled off a hook on the wall. \"Just give me that there red bandana,\" he pointed, \"and I'll be fixed up fine as any ol' gunslinger.\"\n\nToni tried to stop it but her laughter bubbled up.\n\nHe turned, eyebrows lifted. \"That's funny?\"\n\n\"I'm trying to picture you riding off into the sunset. Which, may I remind you, you said you'd never do.\"\n\nHe scowled, popped the hat on his head and twirled the guns before slipping them into the holsters. \"So, how do I fit the part?\"\n\n\"Actually,\" she said, controlling her giggles, \"not too bad. You just need a gee-tar slung over your shoulder.\"\n\n\"Me and Bad Jeff Bridges,\" Royal mumbled. \"So what are you going to wear? I like the flapper look, myself.\"\n\n\"I'm not the flapper type.\"\n\n\"What's that got to do with anything? I'm not the cowboy type, neither, beggin' your pardon, ma'am.\" He pulled off his Stetson and shuffled his boots.\n\nToni ignored him, riffled through the racks and held out a calico print and sunbonnet. \"This here goes right good with my podner's outfit, don't it?\" she asked Lisbet and Courtney, who had watched the exchange between Toni and Royal with barely concealed smiles.\n\n\"Perfect!\" they said together.\n\nLisbet glanced up at the cheerful yellow clock over the coffee counter. \"My customers have gone. Jerry will be home by now. Courtney, call Link and tell him to meet us at my house. It's cocktail hour!\" She linked her arm with Toni's. \"And you and Royal will stay with us tonight.\" As Toni began to shake her head, Lisbet added, patting her stomach, \"No argument. It's not good for the baby.\"\n\n****\n\nRoyal and Toni followed Lisbet and Courtney to Lisbet's house on the hillside overlooking Sister Bay, a comfortable green-shuttered two-story clapboard surrounded by a lawn with large oaks still holding on to their russet leaves. Beds of late purple asters and yellow and orange chrysanthemums were doing their best to make the season's summer colors last.\n\n\"Your friend has the proverbial green thumb,\" observed Royal as they got out of the car. \"This is beautiful.\"\n\n\"A reflection of her personality,\" said Toni, and added to herself, and of love. She watched Jerry's face light up as he came to the door to meet Lisbet. His pleasure at the sight of his wife gave Toni's heart a little jolt. Andy's small face popped up beside Jerry and with a \"Hi, Mom!\" he jumped off the porch to give his mother a fierce hug around her waist.\n\n\"Whoa, Andy,\" Lisbet laughed, catching her balance and tousling his flyaway hair, but hugging him back as she walked toward the house.\n\nToni pushed away the question that leapt unbidden into her mind: Will I ever have that?\n\n\"You're miles away,\" observed Royal in a low voice. \"Are your feet stuck to the ground?\"\n\n\"Oh! Sorry,\" mumbled Toni and started to move toward the house.\n\n\"Lost in the picture of familial bliss?\" he asked.\n\nToni sighed. The man could read her mind. \"I guess. Come and meet Jerry. And here's Link now as well.\" She gestured toward the sleek red Corvette pulling into the drive behind Royal's Porsche. \"They're great folks. You'll like them all.\" She felt a tug somewhere in her mind that wondered whether they would like Royal, and was surprised that their approval of him should be important to her.\n\nThey chatted over snacks on the deck overlooking Sister Bay as the lowering sun drifted down and laid a golden path on calm water. Jerry poured Manhattans for the men, vodka gimlets for Toni and Courtney and club soda with lemon for Lisbet and Andy.\n\n\"Phantom of the Opera, huh?\" Jerry teased Link after the first pleasantries. \"Too bad you can't sing, Link.\"\n\n\"Lucky for everyone, I don't have to,\" said Link. \"I just have to look as though I might.\" He helped himself to some cheese and crackers. \"Toni says you're going as a cowboy, Royal.\"\n\n\"Seems so. Couldn't quite see myself as an Arab prince or a Victorian fop.\" Royal grinned and shrugged. \"I haven't dressed up for a party in,\" he paused, \"years.\" A slight frown crossed his forehead. \"I'm not quite sure how I got talked into this one.\"\n\nEveryone laughed and Toni felt an unexpected pleasure in Royal's easy acceptance by her dearest friends.\nChapter Twelve\n\nCocktails ran into mealtime, spinach salad and a pasta casserole that Jerry had prepared with Andy's help. \"I mixed the sauce, Auntie Court. I'm gonna be a cook, too,\" he said, loading his fork with a heap of pasta. \"Like Jerry.\"\n\n\"Way to go, Champo. Every woman loves a man that cooks.\" Court winked at her husband. \"Link's great at the grill.\"\n\nHe smiled at her and raised his glass, acknowledging her appreciation for his culinary skills.\n\n\"Champo's Court's pet name for Andy,\" said Toni in an aside to Royal. \"They're the best of friends.\"\n\n\"It appears that everyone here is the best of friends.\" Royal nodded at the gathered guests. He paused, then said, \"It's nice to be included.\"\n\nToni looked up at Royal's unguarded expression and realized the man had never had what she so easily took for granted.\n\nAndy swallowed and grinned. \"I wouldn't cook just for a woman,\" the boy declared, spooning more pasta onto his plate. \"I like to eat, too.\"\n\n\"That's the truth,\" put in Jerry, passing the wine bottle to Royal. \"This boy has the proverbial hollow leg, only in his case it's two legs.\"\n\n\"Gotta keep up my strength,\" said Andy between bites. \"Uncle Link and I are going to catch some really, really big fish next time we go out and I have to be able to pull them in myself.\"\n\n\"Now that sounds like fun,\" said Royal, filling Toni's glass. \"I've never fished.\"\n\n\"Really? Come on along,\" said Link. \"We have plenty of tackle. Always room for one more fisherman.\"\n\nThe look on Royal's face unexpectedly twisted Toni's heart. Hadn't anyone ever asked him to be part of an outing, even if it was only, heaven forbid, to go fishing? She waited for Royal's answer and when it came the longing behind it was so heartfelt she had to swallow to keep tears from falling.\n\n\"I would love that,\" he said.\n\nIt was well after midnight before the conversation broke up and Lisbet led Toni upstairs. \"These two rooms adjoin,\" said Lisbet, holding out an armful of towels. \"Pick one or both, your choice.\" She grinned at Toni's suddenly flushed face. \"Well.\" Lisbet shrugged. \"What do I know about how close you are? You're adults, and I'm not your second mother.\"\n\n\"Thank God,\" said Toni. \"The one I have is more than enough.\"\n\n\"Enough what?\" asked Royal.\n\nShe hadn't heard him come up behind her. She whirled, almost losing her balance.\n\nHe caught both her arms to steady her. \"Easy there,\" he said, smiling.\n\nEmbarrassed, she stared wide-eyed into his face. He was so close she could smell the subtle, smoky after-dinner Irish whiskey on his breath.\n\nLisbet looked from Toni to Royal, dropped the towels into Toni's arms and headed down the stairs, calling over her shoulder, \"New toothbrushes and whatever else you might need you'll find in the bathroom. See you in the morning!\"\n\nRoyal frowned at her retreating back. \"Well, that was a breezy departure. What was it all about?\"\n\nToni sighed. \"Nothing.\" She looked up into those unbelievably blue eyes, ready to explain sleeping arrangements, which would be, of course, two rooms, when without warning Royal's lips were on hers.\n\nAsking, not demanding. The frisson that trembled through her body left Toni's heart thudding. This is dangerous territory, her mind told her, but she didn't\u2014couldn't\u2014pull back and didn't want to. His kiss was tender, unhurried, yet possessed her as though she had always been his to plunder. All thought vanished as her lips opened to accept his tongue. As his kiss deepened, questioning, the towels tumbled from her arms into a heap at their feet and her body melded to his as though they were two halves of a whole.\n\nSomehow her arms were around his neck and she heard him murmur, \"Toni, Toni. Do you want me as much as I want you?\"\n\nShe couldn't speak, just whisper. \"It's only the drink,\" she said, shaking her head. \"I'm not responsible.\"\n\n\"I don't want you to be.\" His lips had traveled down her throat to the V of her blouse, leaving a trail of heat that threatened to catch fire. \"Don't be the responsible Miss Dresser. Not tonight.\"\n\nThe longing was back in his voice; its power carried her in his arms over the threshold into a room where moonlight flickered through diaphanous curtains and spilled over the bed with a welcoming, magical glow.\n\n\"Be with me, please, Toni,\" he whispered against her throat, his voice husky with need. One of his hands moved, slow and sensuous, waking every nerve on its way down to the small of her back to pull her closer, to bring her body against his swollen need. His other hand tipped her chin up so her gaze met his. \"Share.\"\n\nHow could she not?\n\nThrough a cloudy haze of moonlight and wanting she knew what he meant, and it wasn't just her body. It was the love that had been so evident around the dinner table, over the later drinks and relaxed conversation, the easy teasing give and take she, Lisbet and Courtney had always had and that now encompassed Jerry and Link as well. The kind of togetherness Royal so obviously had never known.\n\nBut it was her willing body that answered him now, arching, straining toward him, offering whatever she could give that would slake his hunger. And hers.\n\n\"Trust me. I won't hurt you,\" he murmured, his kiss now more demanding, his strong arms encircling, keeping her close.\n\nShe knew he wouldn't, not physically. But he couldn't know the ache she felt for him had already punctured the steely emotional armor she'd put around her heart after her breakup with Bryce. Slow down, Toni. Breathe.\n\nShe held Royal's face in her palms to stop the dizzying rush that swirled her thoughts with desire. She wanted this sex, yes, wanted its soothing rain after the physical drought her life had become. But could she live without the caring that for her, at least, had to come with it? Could she really trust this man to treasure her heart when he was so secretive about his past?\n\nThat didn't matter now. Their breaths were ragged as they tumbled into the moonbeams on the coverlet. The strong planes of his face were sharp above her as he straddled her hips, his jeans stretched taut over his erection. She reached up to fumble with the buttons of his shirt.\n\nWith a muttered oath, he pulled it off over his head and flung it away, revealing a muscled chest of dark curls that begged for her touch. She threaded her fingers through them, teasing his nipples erect, savoring his low moan of pleasure before she drew him down, loving the solid weight of him. Then his warm palms touched her face. His kisses were soft on her forehead, her eyelids, then moved lower, lower, down her throat to tease first one breast, then the other through her blouse, asking for more, promising more.\n\nHer hips moved against him, giving as well as taking, her sighs mingling with night sounds from the open window, her breath catching as she stretched her arms above her head, her breasts peaking, yearning for his tongue. She had never wanted so desperately, never been so completely caught.\n\nShe heard him breathe, \"Toni, Toni,\" before he stilled for a moment, then pulled away.\n\n\"What?\" She sat up, disoriented, her eyes wide. \"Royal, where are you going?\" He disappeared into the bathroom where drawers opened and closed.\n\nA moment later he was back, ripping open a small package with his teeth. He shed his jeans and briefs in one fluid movement and stood beside the bed, holding out the condom, his roused manhood throbbing evidence of his desire. \"Will you?\" His voice was a husky whisper. \"Please.\"\n\nTingles prickled through her body and heat pooled between her legs as she sheathed him slowly, the act more sensuous than anything she'd ever done, holding her breath, feeling the tensed power he leashed to hold his body still. Finished, she looked up to meet the open desire that darkened his eyes. He was magnificent, a dark-haired god awash with moonlight.\n\n\"You're still clothed.\" His voice was low and husky.\n\n\"You can take care of that.\" A shiver of anticipation thrilled through her as she held up her arms for him to lift off her blouse. Then she leaned her face into his taut muscled stomach and nuzzled, teasing, her wet tongue stroking the hard length of him.\n\n\"God, Toni, you're killing me.\" He unhooked her bra and dropped it to the floor. \"My turn. Lie back now.\"\n\nHe unsnapped her jeans, slipping them away so quickly she hardly realized she was nude except for the wisp of her lace panties. She didn't close her eyes. She wanted to see his face above her, watch his emotions, revel in his need for her and match it with her own. Don't make me wait, come now, hurry! She didn't feel vulnerable, just sexy as hell. And ready. So ready.\n\n\"You're beautiful.\" His gaze seared every inch of her body that craved for more, for now. \"I've dreamed of being with you like this.\" He kept his eyes on hers as he slipped two fingers inside the lace to slide within the wet heat she knew he wanted. That she knew they both wanted. Moonlit time stopped for just a moment as he whispered, \"Are you sure?\"\n\nHer body answered for her. Her legs opened, inviting, impatient. She'd never been so sure. \"Yes. Oh, yes.\"\n\nLong after she had fallen asleep, Royal lay watching moonlight play over the blonde curls that tumbled around Toni's face and over her bare shoulder. One hand was snuggled under her cheek. The other, limp, palm up, trailed over the crumpled coverlet. She was a complete and delightful surprise. No other woman had responded to him with such incredible surrender, first with passion and need that matched his own, then with tenderness and finally, contentment. The world could have ended and he wouldn't have noticed until her whispered, \"Please, Royal, bring me back now,\" brought him to his senses and told him that she was as lost in the cyclone they had created as he had been.\n\nHe closed his eyes. Was this the beginning he'd hoped for? Did he want it to be? Did she? Or was it just an interlude enhanced with camaraderie and alcohol, two people enjoying fantastic sex and nothing more? Could there be a future? Toni was the embodiment of everything he admired in a woman: serious about her work, loving toward her family and friends, fun...and sensuous. He'd had no idea how sensuous. He knew she was attracted to him, but did that mean she could love him? Care for him the way he wanted her to if he revealed his past? Accept who he was and what he had done?\n\nUnwanted memories flashed into his mind: jungle heat and innocent natives pulled from their huts, frightened women, even children, prodded at rifle-point, dark, sweaty men beating emaciated workers. And his angry response to the situation that had cost his freedom until he'd been rescued by Amalie, the slight, big-eyed native girl who cut through his bamboo cage and distracted the guard.\n\nRoyal swallowed, forcing his mind away from the brutal past to this moment, this entrancing woman beside him. He reached out to draw his finger down Toni's soft cheek, smiling as she shifted ever so slightly in her sleep. If she knew of the dangers that were such an integral part of his life would she turn away? Did he have the right to ask her not to?\n\n****\n\nToni awoke to a sun-drenched room, one arm across Royal's chest, their faces nose to nose. His eyes were open, bluer than the October sky.\n\n\"Good morning.\" He smiled. \"I didn't want to wake you. It's going to be another beautiful day.\"\n\nHer head still a bit fuzzy from last night's drinks, Toni stared at him, tempted to push back the lock of dark hair that straggled across his forehead. \"Well...\"\n\n\"That's all? Just well?\" His eyes crinkled at the corners.\n\nToni swallowed. \"Well, how long have you been awake?\"\n\n\"A while. I was watching you sleep.\"\n\nShe wrinkled her nose. \"Oh, dear. Did I drool?\"\n\nHe chuckled. \"No, you didn't drool.\"\n\n\"Thank God.\" Toni began to pull her arm away but he trapped it with his.\n\n\"Don't move away yet. Let's talk.\"\n\nShe shut her eyes. \"Do we have to?\" That could spoil everything about last night.\n\n\"No. But it might be nice to know what we're supposed to say to your friends.\"\n\n\"Your friends, too, now,\" she corrected. \"And I don't think we have to say anything. We're grownups.\"\n\nThe house was quiet except for a muted Saturday morning cartoon show somewhere downstairs.\n\n\"Andy must be up. What time is it?\"\n\nRoyal picked up his watch from the nightstand. \"Nine.\"\n\n\"Nine!\" Toni sat up, realized she was nude and pulled the sheet up over her breasts. \"I never sleep past eight!\"\n\n\"You were up quite late, remember?\" His grin told the story.\n\nShe felt her face flush as she recalled the grey of just-before-daylight that had begun to lighten the window when, sated and exhausted, they had finally slept.\n\n\"Thanks to you. That wasn't the plan at all.\"\n\n\"Oh? There was a plan?\"\n\nToni sighed, nodding her tousled head. \"Well, yes, there was. I was going to sleep in one room and you were going to sleep in the other.\"\n\nRoyal grinned again. \"Think of the laundry we saved.\"\n\n\"Aren't you the perky morning after,\" she grumbled.\n\n\"Are you always grumpy when you wake up?\" He pulled her to him, one hand slipping up to cup her breast.\n\nWhat could she say? It was so easy to just enjoy. No yesterdays, no tomorrows, just now, here. She closed her eyes and fell into the magic of his kiss.\nChapter Thirteen\n\nShe and Royal spent the sun-splashed warm-for-the-season day hand in hand wandering from one village to another, checking out special sales aimed at customers who'd come to Door County for the Fall Ball. They walked miles in and out of shops, commenting on everything from the view at the Gills Rock ferry dock to the elegant glass sculptures at Gage's in Sister Bay. Toni found herself smiling for no reason and nearly skipped as they walked. So easy, so fun. Nothing like good sex to warm up a relationship. So what if last night doesn't mean anything more?\n\nAs they wandered downhill toward the boat slips in Fish Creek a nondescript, mud-covered pickup rattled toward them, then slowed almost to a stop before driving past them at a snail's pace, then speeding up. The driver's face was only a blur behind the dirty window.\n\nWith a quick move Royal pulled Toni aside to put himself between her and the street. \"Thanks, Galahad.\" She smiled up at him. \"My hero. Who do you suppose that was?\"\n\nRoyal's jaw was set but then he relaxed and shrugged. \"Not the faintest. Maybe he thought you were someone he knew.\"\n\n\"I don't know anybody that would drive a truck that dirty,\" Toni stated. \"I have an idea. Let's stop at Spielman's Kids Works and find a present for Andy. Maybe a kite.\"\n\n\"A kite? Will he know what to do with it?\" asked Royal.\n\nToni laughed. \"Doesn't every kid know how to fly a kite?\"\n\nRoyal looked away, but not before she caught the expression on his face. \"You never flew a kite?\"\n\n\"Never had the opportunity. Kind of late in the season for kite flying anyway, isn't it? Let's get him an indoor game. How about a cribbage board?\"\n\n\"Will he know what to do with it?\" Toni asked, her eyes mischievous.\n\nHe grinned. \"Touch\u00e9.\"\n\nThey settled for a new version of Sequence.\n\n****\n\n\"No weekend in Door County is complete without lunch at Al Johnson's,\" said Toni. \"The goats should still be on the roof if they haven't been brought down for the season.\"\n\n\"Really? Are you putting me on?\"\n\n\"Scout's honor. And the food is great, too.\"\n\n\"You're right on both counts,\" Royal said later over coffee. He reached across the table to lay his hand on hers. \"We still haven't talked. About us.\"\n\nShe didn't meet his gaze, which she knew would be the piercing blue that could see right into her soul. \"Us? What is there to say?\"\n\n\"Oh\"\u2014he paused, shrugging\u2014\"maybe something like 'Where do we go from here?'\"\n\nShe had the same question, but she didn't have an answer. She sighed and waited while the blond-plaited server in the Swedish costume put down club sandwiches and iced teas. \"Do we have to go anywhere from here today? Except to the costume party, during which, I remind you, I fully intend to see you twirl those six-shooters at every opportunity.\"\n\n\"You're skirting the question.\"\n\nShe bit her lip. \"You know I'm attracted to you, Royal. We are obviously,\" she swallowed, feeling a flush color her face, \"compatible. But there is no us. And please don't quirk your mouth like that. It's distracting.\"\n\n\"But you blush so attractively.\" He grinned. \"I'm finding more and more reasons to keep distracting you.\"\n\nShe shook her head and lifted her hands, palms out. \"I give up. Eat now. Talk later. Okay?\" She could hear the \"Don't go there\" in her voice and knew he heard it, too. Analyzing a relationship that was nothing more than good sex\u2014she felt her face flush again\u2014really good sex, was a waste of time. In fact, in her experience, that had been a killer even when she knew her partner well. And this partner evidently wasn't going to let her into his past. Which reminded her of the mystery\u2014if there was one\u2014about Grace Temple's death. \"Have you found anything interesting in your aunt's papers?\" she asked.\n\nWith an expression that clearly showed he understood the \"let's talk\" subject was closed, Royal nodded. \"I have. I meant to tell you. Not papers, exactly. I found a bible, a really big, old one that lists births, deaths, the whole family tree going back to when the original members came over from Europe.\"\n\n\"Really?\" Toni's eyes widened. \"Was it kept up to date?\"\n\nRoyal sighed, picked up a French fry and dipped it into a pool of ketchup on his plate. \"To a point. The last page simply lists, 'Royal James' and my birth date. No record of my mother's marriage\u2014if there even was one. Perhaps\u2014\" He stopped for a moment, his brow furrowed. \"Perhaps the man I knew wasn't really my father. The date of their deaths follows. I would have been seven. According to the records, there are no living relatives. The rest of the family pages are blank.\"\n\nToni frowned. \"But that proves your great aunt knew about you all your life! Why wouldn't you have met her long ago? Why wouldn't she have brought you to her when your mother died?\" At the swift darkening in his eyes she stopped, bit her lip. \"I'm sorry, not my business. Forgive me. But now you know more about your family than when you came here, don't you? That has to be helpful.\"\n\n\"Not helpful enough.\" He signaled for the check and an end to her questions. Then he smiled. \"Shall we head back to Lisbet's?\"\n\nLater, costumed, they joined a clown and a princess holding hands in line at the door to the Ball. Raising his eyebrows at the unmistakable twang of country music, Royal frowned. \"Will we have to line dance?\"\n\n\"Only if we want to,\" said Toni. \"I've tried, but I'm not good at it. Lisbet said this band can play anything and they'll cater to every request so we ought to find something we can do.\"\n\nTipping his head toward a swinging fifties poodle skirt ahead of them, Royal asked, \"Can you Lindy?\"\n\n\"Yes, podner, I believe I can.\" She eyed the princess whose voluminous ruffles begged for a minuet. \"Can you waltz?\"\n\nHe smiled, pulled off his Stetson and gave her a courtly bow that made her laugh, given the absurdity of it from a man in a cowboy outfit. \"At your pleasure, ma'am.\"\n\nShe curtseyed demurely, enjoying Royal's unexpected playfulness. And why not? This was going to be fun. \"Let's just have a good time, then. First off, let's get a drink.\"\n\nAs the crowd poured into the hall it was evident that Lisbet's table beside the dance floor was the busiest there, with everyone from pirates to cheerleaders stopping by to thank her and Toni for their \"fabulous\" costumes.\n\n\"Congratulations on a big success, ladies,\" said Jerry, lifting his Manhattan, \"and a real win for the homeless shelter. Come, my little chickadee.\" He reached for Lisbet's hand. \"Let's dance before you get too fat to push around the floor.\" He said it with a wink of his eye that wasn't covered with the pirate's patch. Lisbet made a face but smiled and they disappeared into the crowd on the floor, bodies melding into one.\n\n\"They're great together,\" Toni said.\n\nCourtney nodded. \"That they are. I'm so happy for them.\" She touched Link's arm. \"And for us, Phantom,\" she added.\n\nThe look he gave back was so loving it made Toni glance away. She turned to Royal and chided, \"You haven't twirled those six-shooters once.\" She handed him the bowl of potato chips.\n\n\"Ain't been no need to, li'l lady,\" he answered straight-faced, pointing a chip at the dancers. \"No rowdies in this crowd.\"\n\n\"Not so far, anyway,\" put in Link. \"But the night is young and the drinks are flowing.\"\n\nThe slow dance faded to an end and Lisbet and Jerry returned to the table, dodging people surging to the dance floor as a rambunctious one-two-three beat shook the rafters.\n\n\"What is that?\" asked Royal. \"Sounds positively overwhelming.\"\n\nThe others at the table looked at him as though he were an alien.\n\nRoyal threw up his hands. \"Did I say something wrong? What?\"\n\nCourtney shook her head. \"You, a cowboy, don't know a polka when you hear one?\"\n\n\"No, ma'am.\" Royal shook his head. \"Never had the pleasure.\"\n\n\"Well, then, you'd better learn because it's Wisconsin all the way through,\" said Lisbet.\n\nLink leaned back, grinning. \"Hear, hear. Better get out there and give it a try, Royal.\"\n\nRoyal eyed the couples whirling around the dance floor. \"It looks dangerous. Nobody out there is paying any attention to anyone else.\"\n\n\"That's the beauty of the polka. Everybody does it their own way. No one will know you never did it before. Come on.\" Toni pulled Royal to his feet. \"Now or never.\"\n\nProtesting, he dragged his boots all the way to the dance floor where she stepped into his arms and said, \"Like this, one-two-three, one-two-three. See? It's easy.\"\n\n\"If you don't get run over,\" he muttered, and they were off, laughing and twirling and doing their best to stay out of the way of dancers who knew what they were doing.\n\n\"Isn't this fun?\" Toni laughed up at Royal, her face alight with pleasure. \"I'm so glad we came!\" She'd forgotten the joy of just letting go, moving with the beat. Royal was surprisingly agile even wearing boots, and he whirled her so fast she had to catch her breath. Then suddenly he stopped dead still in the middle of the dancers, his gaze fixed on someone hurrying toward the door.\n\n\"Watch it, man!\" said a pudgy sea captain, bumping into Royal. \"Move on off if you're not going to dance.\"\n\n\"Sorry,\" Royal muttered, not moving.\n\n\"Someone you know?\" Toni asked, seeing his eyes locked on the disappearing figure.\n\n\"Not sure.\" Without explanation he pulled her to their table, said, \"Excuse me,\" and strode toward the door.\n\n\"What's that all about?\" asked Jerry, frowning. \"Looked like he'd seen a ghost.\"\n\n\"I have no idea,\" said Toni, rising to follow Royal. And remembering Bryce Andrews' note.\n\n****\n\nRoyal pushed through the door. After the overheated stuffiness inside the dance hall, the brisk autumn air hit his lungs with a cold blast. He slid without sound into the black shadow of the building, all his trained senses alert, wishing his six-shooters were real. Had he imagined the person he'd hoped to never see again? And why here, of all places, where no one from his former life would expect to find him. Certainly not turned out like a cowboy, making a fool of himself trying to dance the polka.\n\nThe starlit night was quiet, though through the soles of his boots he felt resounding bass thumps from the music inside. He scanned the sea of vehicles in the parking lot, willing his eyes to adjust to the ambient light. There! A movement. A dark figure ducking from car to car, weaving its way toward the back of the lot. Toward Royal's Porsche.\n\nRoyal crouched low until he had crossed the brightly-lit area near the door, then sprinted at an angle, dodging between and around the closely-packed vehicles to approach his own from the side.\n\nMoving like a wraith, breathing without sound, careful not to scuff the gravel underfoot, Royal moved to his car and reached in to grab the collar of a figure fumbling at the locked glove compartment. With an oath he jerked the smaller man out, and in a swift turn lifted him to his feet and twisted his arm up behind his back.\n\n\"I thought I recognized your face in that truck today!\" Royal ground out through gritted teeth. \"What the hell do you think you're doing?\" He jerked his captive's arm up even higher, anger fueling his action.\n\n\"Just checking to see if you have a gun, man. Thought you might have. Hey, cut that out! That hurts!\"\n\n\"I can make you hurt a lot worse than that. Try me.\"\n\nThe man lifted his straggly-bearded chin. \"Tough guy now, ain't you, fancy woman, fancy car. Fancy house, too, now.\" His grin was a grimace. \"Long time no see, Stone.\"\n\nBefore Royal could speak, Toni's voice preceded her as she walked toward them from behind an SUV. \"Is something wrong, Royal? Why did you tear out of there?\" She stopped at the sight of the man in his grasp. \"Who is this?\"\n\n\"This,\" Royal flung down the man's arm, \"is a would-be thief.\"\n\nToni laughed. \"It's a costume party. Isn't everybody here a would-be something tonight?\" She held out her hand but pulled it back when she saw the dark expression on the man's unshaven face. \"And you are?\"\n\nThe man sniggered, sliding his eyes sideways toward Royal. \"Just an old friend of Stone's here, right? I'll be in touch, buddy. You owe me. You just don't know how much. Yet. Gotta go now. See ya. Soon.\" He slithered into the darkness beyond the lot.\n\n\"What did he mean by that?\" Frowning, Toni looked up at Royal. \"I can't see you very well but it's clear that you're angry.\"\n\nRoyal closed his eyes and reached inside his memory for a name. Neeley, that was it. Sam Neeley. A nasty little bully who made everyone's life miserable. Especially the other smaller boys who'd been placed with them in Mason's foster home. Royal remembered bloodying Neeley's nose for stealing a younger boy's stash of baseball trading cards. That was the night before Royal, fifteen and big for his age, stuffed his worldly belongings in his backpack, changed his name to Stewart because it sounded solid and took off for a life of his own.\n\n\"Royal?\" Toni lightly touched his arm. \"Who was that?\"\n\nHe took a deep breath and let it out slowly before speaking. \"Nobody important. Let's get back to the party, shall we?\"\n\n\"We could. Or we could stay out here until you tell me what that was all about.\" Toni stood her ground, arms crossed. She shivered. \"He seemed evil. Made my skin crawl.\"\n\n\"Evil is way too strong a word. Just a troublemaker, hoping to find something worthwhile in unlocked cars.\"\n\n\"But he said you owed him.\"\n\n\"I can't imagine what.\" Royal reached for her hand. \"Come on, let's try another polka.\"\n\nSubject closed. They hurried back through the night's chill toward the brightly-lit hall.\n\nSo many subjects closed.\n\nThey stayed at the Ball until the last song was played and the last goodbyes said. Finally, exhausted, they were back at Lisbet's, dragging themselves up the stairs to the second floor.\n\nWhat do I expect? Toni asked herself through a light alcoholic fog. What does he? Another hot night between the sheets? She had to admit that last night had been the most exciting and satisfying sex she'd ever experienced. But tonight she could hardly keep her eyes open. She sighed. She was just so tired.\n\nAt the door, Royal pulled her into his arms. He kissed her so gently she hardly felt the touch of his lips, but her body came awake and reacted with a surge of overwhelming desire. Without thinking she rose on tiptoes to return the kiss, but not gently, not cautiously. Deep and wet and oh-so-wanting.\n\nOnce again he whispered, \"Are you sure?\" He lifted her chin just enough to look into her eyes that weren't drowsy now, but hot with need.\n\n\"I'm sure,\" she murmured and pulled him through the door to the moonbeams that again lit the coverlet, to the reasonless passion that would devour them both.\nChapter Fourteen\n\nThe next afternoon Royal left her at her door with a warm kiss that was more than a thank you for a wonderful time but wasn't accompanied by the promise for a repeat performance. \"Thanks for an unexpected but great weekend, Toni.\" Royal tipped up her chin to look deep into her eyes. \"It meant a lot to me. I'll be out of town for a few days. Take care of yourself.\"\n\nFrowning, she watched him drive away. She'd wanted to ask where he was going, but was sure that, like anything else personal, would fall into the category of 'off limits.'\n\nThey'd spent the morning over a late breakfast with Lisbet, Jerry and Andy, who was thrilled with his new Sequence game and talked them into playing for a while before they left for Green Bay. She'd ignored Lisbet's raised eyebrows when they were alone in the kitchen except to say, \"There's nothing to tell, Lis. Honest.\"\n\n\"If you say so,\" Lisbet had replied with a smug smile. \"But you both look like a couple of contented cats. Royal seems like a keeper to me. Jerry liked him, too, and Jerry's instincts are usually right on. And you can't tell me Royal isn't definitely interested in you.\"\n\nWas he? Toni wondered now. The man was an enigma. Maybe it had been just great sex, she thought, but felt a warmth flood her body with the remembrance of moonlit-dappled sheets. He had certainly been more than interested in that, anyway, but then, so had she. On the way home, she had asked no questions about the incident in the parking lot and Royal offered no explanation.\n\nWhat's next, Toni asked herself, rummaging through her refrigerator for sandwich makings. If there is a next. He's handsome, more than a bit dangerous from what I saw last night, a hell of a lover and can even\u00ad\u2014she found herself smiling at the memory\u2014dance the polka in his boots. Her mind went back to his remark when he'd first asked her to lunch\u2014so what's not to like?\n\nA peanut butter and pickle sandwich would put her mind straight; bring her back from being, well, not exactly Cinderella at the ball, but certainly a cut above the char girl sitting at the hearth wishing for a handsome prince. She smiled, remembering she'd had, really had, the prince, at least for a few hours. But aside from his being a fantastic lover, she didn't know a darn thing about Royal. Why did he need to be so secretive? The scene in the parking lot was a puzzler. There'd been an obvious relationship, and not a good one, between him and the would-be thief, but it was one that Royal wasn't about to divulge to her.\n\nAt least not yet. I just need to know him better, get him to open up. Maybe.\n\nShe took her sandwich and a can of Sierra Mist to the table at the window in her small kitchen and watched a few last leaves float down from her backyard maple, but her mind wasn't on the weather. It was on Royal. His lips. His dark-lashed eyes. The strong muscles of his back under her hands. On his sensuous murmurs of desire, his ability to bring her body, her senses, her whole being to impossible heights. Could she call it making love? Or was it simply tremendous sex, thank you ma'am, maybe see you soon. Was she wrong in thinking the weekend was as good for him as it had been for her?\n\n\"He's not what he seems,\" Bryce had written. Maybe it was time to call Bryce's bluff and find out what he meant.\n\nThey hadn't spoken since the night he'd left her house in fury. She'd screened his numerous messages. \"I'm sorry, Toni, really.\" \"We need to talk.\" \"Call me.\" Imperious as always, even over the phone.\n\nShe hadn't called. If she did now, would he think she'd changed her mind about their relationship? Probably. He'd want to start up where they left off, but she wasn't about to let that happen. She reached for the phone, then changed her mind. A face-to-face would be better.\n\nToni ran a comb through her curls, changed from jeans to a white T-shirt, a velvet tracksuit, and slip-on flats. Then she was out the door. It was almost cocktail hour. Maybe they could have a friendly drink together and hold a decent conversation that she could lead around to the note he'd left about Royal.\n\n\"Great to see you again, Ms. Dresser,\" said the jovial gatekeeper at Bryce's elegant riverside condo, tipping his hat as he waved her through. She wasn't so sure that Bryce would be as welcoming.\n\n****\n\nAfter leaving Toni, Royal headed for Temple House, where he pulled into the vine-covered carport at the side of the building instead of driving around back to the garage. He sat behind the wheel for a moment, head back against the neck rest, just absorbing where he was and thinking of the events that had brought him there. He looked up at the elegant three-story brick mansion. His home now. That was too hard to comprehend. He'd never lived in a real home. Now he owned one. And what a one it was.\n\nHe closed his eyes, his mind a jumble of vignettes. Toni on the way up to Sister Bay, her hair a tumbled mass in the fall wind and her face so colored with enjoyment he could hardly take his eyes off her long enough to stay on the highway. God, she was a picture. Picking out their silly costumes. Cocktails at Lisbet and Jerry's home, where Toni fit in so beautifully and brought him into their warm circle as well. The easy evening conversation and, finally\u2014his groin tightened at the memory\u2014her hot, wild acceptance of him into the bed they shared. Yesterday wandering the villages, laughing at things they wouldn't buy even if guns were held to their heads, and Toni's wistful yearning for an elegant glass sculpture at Gage's that she said was way overpriced for her budget. The dance\u2014a polka yet\u2014that she pulled him into, and their hilarity at his trying to master the steps. He wondered at the thought that he, always the loner Royal Stewart, had been included in all of it and damn, it had been fun.\n\nThen the smile left his face. He'd almost recognized the man in the mud-covered truck but it hadn't come clear until he'd followed the skulking figure into the parking lot and pulled him out of the Porsche.\n\nSam Neeley. How could their paths cross here in Wisconsin? That part of Royal's history was buried deep in Mississippi and he had no intention of unearthing it ever again. Coincidence? Someone else might think so; like the old saying said, everybody's got to be somewhere. But Royal didn't believe in coincidence. And Sam Neeley was trouble. Always had been. Researching where he'd been in the past twenty years was in order and with his contacts that was something Royal could easily accomplish.\n\nHe locked his car and walked to the side door of Temple House, his fine-tuned senses alert for any sign of trespass, though any attempt would have been unsuccessful. Royal had installed a sophisticated alarm system as well as deadbolts far out of reach should an intruder\u2014say, Sam Neeley\u2014break the door glass and try to reach in to flip the lock.\n\nEven though he was sure no one had entered, he methodically went through the house to look for anything out of place. The old family bible and Grace Temple's financial reports and bank statements hadn't been moved from where he'd left them on the study desk in plain sight. Her bedroom armoire drawers and the jewelry box that sat predominantly on the dresser looked untouched. He sighed. Soon he would have to go through her things and box them up for GoodWill or the thrift stores. Maybe he could enlist Toni's help with that.\n\nToni. Thinking of her brought a smile to his lips and a tightening in his groin. He poured himself a healthy dose of single malt whisky and sat down to go through the official police file on Grace Temple's fall.\nChapter Fifteen\n\nThe report was sparse but well documented. Photographs showed her crumpled body at the base of the stair to the second floor, her neck unnaturally bent, a dark puddle of blood under her head, one thin arm outstretched as though she'd tried to grab the railing. She was wearing slippers and a long housecoat, which could have caused her to stumble. A cursory search of the house had revealed nothing untoward\u2014no broken windows, no ransacking, lots of silver and valuable artifacts sitting around in plain sight. A window off the second-floor balcony had been found unlocked, but there was no sign of entry through it and the sill was wiped clean. That could have been done by a thorough cleaning lady.\n\nOr by an intruder who knew enough to leave no trace, Royal mused. Suppose someone had come in through that window, intent on robbery, thinking the house empty. Suppose that person startled Grace at the top of the stairs, and caused her to lose her balance? Suppose that person, just a small-time thief, a coward, realizing she was dead, hoped to God her fall would be pronounced an accident and simply ran without taking any jewelry or expensive artifacts from all over the globe? Royal couldn't fault the police for their conclusion; there was no evidence to question it. He just wanted to prove them wrong. Grace Temple hadn't deserved to die that way. She'd lived an exemplary life and done a lot of good for charity, especially for children's programs in the area.\n\nRoyal slapped the file closed and leaned back, frowning. Reading the case gave him no satisfaction, just a headache. Nothing to go on. So why am I so sure it wasn't an accident? Because it just doesn't feel right. Grace had told him she had something to show him and a lot to tell him and couldn't wait until he got back from Milwaukee so they would have time to talk. He rubbed the back of his neck. Wouldn't what she wanted to show him still be right here somewhere?\n\nHe got up and paced from the desk to the bay window that looked out over the river where a small water skier was edging up rainbows in the spray behind a power-boat. His mind went back to Lisbet's son Andy, who was so loved and cared for. Lucky kid. Royal shook his head. No use thinking about the past. Leave it where it belongs.\n\nWhere would an elderly woman hide something that she didn't want known? Royal tried to put himself into her mind. It had to be a photo, or a document of some kind, something that would shed light on either herself or his family. Would it have to do with the blank pages in the bible? He went to the desk and picked up the old book again, smoothing his hand over the soft leather cover that held the recorded generations of this family, the heritage his ne'er-do-well parents had kept from him. Don't go there. Keep on target.\n\nHe flipped through the bible to the center section, where Grace Temple's lineage was listed all the way back to immigrants from Europe. He studied the careful, faded writings scripted by different hands through the years and tried to put himself into those people's lives. What had they thought when they disembarked on the shores of America? That here, at last, was hope, and fortune? Or did they just want to get their feet on solid land\u2014any land\u2014and find work and safe harbor for their families. Keep on target, he told himself again, bringing his mind back to the present. What should have been on these pages that wasn't there? Why hadn't his parents' marriage\u2014if in fact, they had married\u00ad\u2014been recorded? His birth was there: Royal James, and the date. But no last name. So had he been Royal James Temple? Or Royal James Stone, son of Roger Stone, the tall, laughing man he remembered as his father?\n\nHe set the book aside and went upstairs to Grace's bedroom where he methodically went through every drawer, every cubbyhole in the closet, every hat and shoebox, every pocket in every dress and jacket. He learned that wealthy Grace Temple was neat, orderly, and didn't own a lot of clothes, but what she had was quality. He closed a drawer of silky, lace-bordered under things and murmured, \"I so wish I'd known you, Grace Temple. I really do.\"\n\n****\n\n\"Toni!\" Wearing tennis whites and what Toni perceived as a smug smile, Bryce beckoned her inside. \"Come in, come in. I knew you'd come back eventually. You're just in time for a drink. Why haven't you answered my calls?\"\n\n\"I did. I left you a message.\"\n\nHe snorted. \"If you call that tirade a message. I thought it was a bad breach of etiquette.\"\n\nIsn't that just like Bryce? Toni stepped across the doorjamb. Even my voicemail isn't quite up to his standards.\n\n\"But you've obviously reconsidered,\" he said, nearly gushing, which wasn't like the Bryce she knew at all. \"I'm so glad. We can start over.\" He reached to pull her into his arms but she moved aside.\n\n\"I'm sorry if that's what you're hoping. I didn't come to tell you I've changed my mind.\"\n\nHis face clouded and she stepped back, bracing herself for another tantrum, but Bryce took a deep breath, then another. He swallowed, shut his eyes for a moment, then said, \"Okay. Got to give a fellow points for trying. Let's back up. So, then, why are you here?\"\n\n\"I want to know why you wrote that note about Royal Stewart.\"\n\nWithout answering her question Bryce crossed to his marble-topped wet bar. \"Drink? Your usual?\"\n\nToni followed him and leaned her elbows on the bar top while he sliced off a sliver of fresh lime and squeezed it over ice into a glass. \"Come on, Bryce. You know me well enough to be sure leaving that note would raise my hackles. Was that just an example of your still trying to control me even from afar, or do you know something unsavory about Royal that I should be aware of?\" When he didn't answer, she continued, \"I'm serious, Bryce. Is he dangerous? Be straight with me and don't put on that puppy-dog innocence you're so good at.\"\n\nBryce finished her gimlet and fixed himself a whisky and water before leading her to the small bistro-style table in the bay window overlooking the Fox River. \"Make yourself comfortable, just like old times,\" he said, referring to the many evenings they'd done just this before going out to dinner. Pleasant times, she had to admit.\n\n\"Bryce, please answer me.\"\n\nHe sighed. \"I will, but there's something I have to say first. Controlling is how you see me; you've made that plain. But I've done a lot of thinking since you shoved my\u2014your engagement ring in my face, Toni.\" His eyes met hers directly across the small table and he reached for her hand.\n\nShe moved it away to pick up her glass.\n\nRebuffed, Bryce raised his own and touched it to hers, sending a soft chime through the room. \"You know I care about you. I thought you cared about us.\" He looked down and his voice was tight. \"We'd been dating for almost two years, and at least for me it was great. I thought I had a right to expect that we had a future together, that you'd be pleased that I planned for us.\"\n\n\"Oh, Bryce.\" Toni sighed. He really was clueless. She searched his face and recognized real hurt there. \"You can't plan for both of us, though I admit I let that happen with almost everything we did together. It was just easier, given how you are. But that's what our relationship has always been\u2014your way, your choices. Marriage has to be a partnership, not a corporation where one person is the CEO and the other takes dictation.\"\n\n\"I didn't see us that way.\" He looked full into her eyes. \"Really, I didn't.\"\n\nThis wasn't going the way Toni planned. Change of subject. \"You haven't answered my question. If Royal isn't what he seems, you must have had a reason to say so. What do you know about him that I don't?\"\n\nBryce studied her face. \"First, are you interested in him? Really interested?\"\n\nToni hoped the flush she felt creeping up wasn't obvious. For a moment she watched a powerboat pulling a water skier before she spoke. \"Truthfully, I don't know. Aside from our first unfortunate meeting, he's been nothing but polite, interesting and fun to be with. But I don't know much about him, and he's not forthcoming about his past. How did you even know we'd been together?\"\n\nBryce made a derisive sound. \"Come on, Toni. Green Bay isn't a big town. Unless you're very clever you can hardly do anything here that someone doesn't know about.\" He studied the view outside the window, choosing his words, then continued. \"You asked if Stewart is dangerous. I can't tell you that, only that I've seen him before. Not here, but in Antwerp.\"\n\n\"Antwerp!'\n\nBryce nodded. \"The diamond capital of the world. I was scouting out some tourist attractions for people who take my Netherlands tour. He was in a heated negotiation with a diamond merchant in the back room of the same house where I bought your ring.\"\n\nShe shook her head. \"Not my ring, Bryce.\"\n\nHe dipped his head and threw up one hand. \"I get that. At least for now.\"\n\n\"So why does that make him something other than what he seems? Doesn't he have the right to do business anywhere he pleases?\"\n\n\"Of course, as we all do.\" Bryce pushed a little dish of salted almonds toward Toni. \"Help yourself. When I say negotiating, Toni, I mean he was buying.\"\n\nToni's eyes widened. \"Buying diamonds?\"\n\n\"Most definitely. Lots of diamonds. You're playing with fire. Your mystery man isn't just a business bloke who helps struggling companies get back on their feet. That's only his cover. He's something else entirely.\"\n\n\"But what?\"\n\n\"I don't know. I guess that's for you to find out. Just please don't get hurt doing it. Whether you want to realize it or not, you mean a lot to me. Am I crazy to still have hopes for our future?\" Again, Bryce reached over to take Toni's hand.\n\nThis time she didn't move it away. Her mind spun. Royal buying diamonds? Lots of diamonds? She pictured him on the drive to Door County, slurping up ice cream at Double Delights, dressing in a cowboy outfit and shuffling the polka as best he could in his boots. She pictured his dark head bent over Andy's light one as they played Sequence. Diamonds? Maybe illegal? That didn't fit. She shook her head. Then she realized that Bryce was talking. \"Sorry. What did you say?\"\n\nHe was still holding her hand. \"I said, forget about Stewart. Let's get back to us. I have tickets to the Performing Arts Center in Appleton for Chorus Line. I know we've seen it before but you loved it so much and I bought them as soon as they went on sale.\" He leaned forward, his eyes holding hers. \"Will you give us another chance, Toni? No pressure. No control. Just a nice evening, dinner and a great show?\"\n\nToni sipped her oh-so-perfect gimlet with just the touch of lime the way she liked it, looked across the table at Bryce's oh-so-perfect tennis whites and the idyllic scene across the river with the sun turning everything to a golden glow, and just for a moment she wished that she could truly want everything a future with Bryce Andrews offered.\nChapter Sixteen\n\nMonday morning Toni opened the door to Wannabe and was met by a petulant Midnight who looked at her with disdain from the top of the counter and actually turned his back.\n\n\"Well! I was going to apologize for leaving you alone over the weekend, but I can see it's going to take more than that.\" Smiling, she put her purse under the counter and gathered the animal into her arms. A few moments of petting and rubbing his ears brought about a reluctant purr. \"Silly old cat. If I didn't know you had more than enough food and water here for an extra day, I'd feel guilty,\" Toni told him. \"So don't give me that cold shoulder routine, okay?\"\n\nMidnight looked into her eyes with an unreadable cat stare but snuggled, his purr louder.\n\n\"So I'm forgiven?\"\n\nMore snuggle. More purr.\n\nToni grinned. \"We do understand each other, don't we?\" At least I understand somebody. I surely don't understand Royal. Her mind went back over her conversation with Bryce. Royal buying diamonds? Was Bryce truthful, or\u2014she wouldn't put it past him\u2014simply trying to discredit Royal in Toni's eyes?\n\nShe put Midnight back on the counter and began to open her mail, muttering, \"Junk, junk, junk,\" as she tossed piece by piece into the wastebasket. No new orders. A few bills. An estimate for reroofing the shop, which was badly needed. If she could get her pattern book sold she might make enough money do that repair before she actually had to deal with leaks. Of course that meant working more hours to get the book in shape for submission. At least that was something she could direct her time and effort to that would probably have more positive results than worrying over her relationship, if that's what it was, with Royal Stewart.\n\nShe flipped through her \"to do\" file. Two pumpkin outfits including hats with stems to sew for the O'Brien twin girls and a Captain Kirk costume for their brother, who, their mother had told Toni, \"Wouldn't be caught dead trick-or-treating with his sisters now that he's almost a teenager.\"\n\nToni smiled, remembering all the scary but wonderful Halloween nights she and Jack had enjoyed in their neighborhood, running in the dark from house to house, doing their best to look ferocious but always polite when they got their treat. \"Don't you leave even one house without letting them know you appreciate their kindness,\" Mom had said. \"And don't you dare do any tricks on anybody!\"\n\nTheir mother had always dressed them alike for trick-or-treating until they hit middle school and overnight Jack, like the O'Brien boy, turned into a pre-teen monster instead of a brother and demanded a different costume. \"Toni can't even be on the same block as me,\" he'd told their mother. \"And I can stay out later 'cause I'm older.\"\n\nOnly four minutes older, but he'd milked that for all he was worth. Not that Toni let him get by with it. Sometimes he'd been maddening, especially in front of his buddies, but then they all grew up and now he was, once more, Toni's best friend. \"Love you, Jack,\" she whispered, and went into the workshop for pumpkin orange fabric.\n\n****\n\nFeeling at loose ends, Royal wandered through Temple House and stopped at the large bay window overlooking the river that today looked dark and foreboding, reflecting the cloudy fall sky. Rain coming? He hadn't listened to a weather report.\n\nFor the dozenth time he turned to look at the staircase in the foyer where Grace Temple had died. Though the area had been professionally cleaned, he could still imagine the bloodstain from her head wound soaking into the polished oak wood floor. He walked aimlessly around the room and picked up a small, silver-framed picture of Grace from the top of the grand piano. Her portrait showed a compassionate but strong woman, one to be reckoned with. From the little he had been fortunate to know of her personally, she cared deeply about family, enough to search for him for many years. \"Your death made me a very wealthy man, but I'd rather have you in my life,\" he told the portrait, wishing they'd had more time to connect their lives. He frowned, remembering her exact words as he'd reluctantly left for Milwaukee. \"I have so much to tell you, but it can wait until you return. Safe trip!\"\n\nBut she was the one who'd tripped, if that's what had happened. Grace Temple's eyes may have faded in color but she was as sharp a woman as any he'd met. Was there someone who would not have wanted her to speak with him? Someone with a secret they didn't want told?\n\nHe returned the portrait to its place on the piano, wishing it could answer the questions that haunted him. \"Did you know my whole story? Did you know whether my mother married the man I knew as Roger Stone, or if I was simply his bastard son? Did you know my parents were con artists who constantly ran from the law? That they were stoned when they died in an accident that dumped me into the welfare system?\"\n\nRoyal went back to Grace's desk to thumb through the journal that Grace had used to list various committees she'd chaired or worked on and what they accomplished. There were notes for starting a drive for another daycare in the growing Hispanic section, for equipping a larger soup kitchen in the inner city area. He paged through the book, amazed at the scope of her philanthropic efforts, the number of people involved. Toni's name was included twice in fund-raising efforts. As he finished reading the last entry and reached to put the book on the pile of things he'd gone through, something slid from a slit inside the back cover and fluttered to the floor.\n\nRoyal retrieved the small, faded photograph of a young, laughing woman in a white dress with her arms around the waist of a tall, dark-haired man, standing in front of a shiny light-colored car. Realization hit Royal as if a hammer had thudded into his chest and he sank back in his chair, thoughts tumbling, tumbling.\n\nI took that picture. I remember holding that little black camera. I told them, \"Say cheese!\" He flipped the picture over. No identification, but he didn't need any. The photo was of his parents, Angela and Roger Stone.\n\nThe phone call that changed Royal's life had reached him just as he successfully wrapped up a consulting job in Columbus, Ohio, and was packing to head for another in Milwaukee. A woman's voice, very professional, very precise, came over the line: \"Mr. Stewart, I'm Miranda George, an attorney in Green Bay, Wisconsin. I've been trying to find you for a long time.\"\n\nHe'd been puzzled. His work didn't usually come through attorneys. \"Really? Why is that?\"\n\n\"I'll be brief, and I hope this will be good news. Your great-aunt wants to meet you.\"\n\n\"My what?\" If he had to describe the shock that flowed through his body at her words, he would never be able to. A great aunt? Family? He had no family. Not since the accident.\n\n\"My client has never stopped looking for you.\"\n\nHe couldn't speak. He sank down on the hotel bed.\n\n\"Mr. Stewart, are you there?\"\n\nHis voice cracked. He swallowed. \"I-I'm here.\"\n\n\"Please come to Green Bay as soon as possible. Grace Temple is one sharp lady, though she's eighty-nine. She says she's your only living relative. She wants to tell you about your family.\"\n\nHis mind had spun. He had a relative? He had family?\n\n\"Mr. Stewart? Will you come?\"\n\nNothing in this world would have stopped him.\n\nRoyal closed his eyes. Now here he was in Temple House. The promise of that family had disappeared with the death of great-aunt Grace and he was alone once more. Wealthy now, but still alone. Unless...\n\nToni's face flashed into his mind as clearly as if she were in his arms, tilting her bright face up for his kiss.\n\nWhat if he were to abandon the work, not the consulting, the other\u2014that he knew was so important? Just walked away? There were others who could take his place. Perhaps not as effectively, but adequately. Could he build a new life, convince Toni that there was an us? Could he convince her to set aside her solid family traditions to accept the man he was despite the unsavory legacy his parents had left him?\n\nLate in the evening almost a week later Royal dropped his suitcase and laptop inside the door at Temple House. The previous days had been most satisfying; one more company's organizational problems not only identified but on the way to being solved. He'd return to Dallas in a month or so to wrap up his involvement there.\n\nA familiar ring tone chimed and he picked up his second cell phone. \"The package is ready,\" a robotic voice intoned. \"Locker thirteen.\" The line went dead.\n\nHe had to grin. Of course it would be thirteen, this close to Halloween. The Group had a weird sense of the macabre.\n\nA brisk fall breeze skittered browned leaves across the withered grass in Astor Park as Royal slid onto the bench next to his handler. \"This is the last,\" Royal said, handing over a disc and the box he'd retrieved from the bus depot locker. \"The sting is wrapped up. I've made the switch to zirconium for the drop. This is the info for the final pickup, who's involved, what time and where to apprehend them.\"\n\n\"Excellent work. As usual.\" The black-suited man sitting next to him nodded, asked, \"Any conflicts?\"\n\n\"They suspect nothing. You'll need four or five men, but there shouldn't be a problem.\" Royal rose from the bench and held out his hand for a shake. \"Thanks for everything. It's been a good ride, but it's over. I'm done.\"\n\n\"Done!\" Black Suit sat back, his eyes wide with surprise, showing the most emotion Royal had witnessed in all their contacts. \"What do you mean, done? Y-you're the most successful agent we've got, Stewart.\" He stumbled over his words. \"You've experienced this operation from the mines to the final apprehensions. You were instrumental in breaking up the Samosta cartel. Surely you're aware there's another family with connections in Sierra Leone gearing up to take over from them.\"\n\nRoyal nodded, looked away. \"I know. But there will always be another.\" Unbidden, sharp images flashed into Royal's mind\u2014sweltering days and bug-infested nights in a filthy African cage. Amalie, the brave young native who helped him escape and put her family in jeopardy as she nursed him back to health. The impossible, dangerous situations he'd survived in the field before being reassigned to work stateside. Now he shook his head to clear away the dark, dark memories, rejected them to bring up a picture of Toni, laughing, curly hair blowing in the wind as they drove to Door County. Chiding him for not spotting the turkeys in the field. Teasing young Andy over the board game.\n\nRoyal realized Black Suit had risen, was talking. \"You can't just leave this business, Stewart. You know that. We're counting on your expertise to reel in this new organization. We need you.\"\n\nRoyal shook his head. \"No more.\"\n\n\"I'm baffled, Stewart.\" The man frowned and fingered the file as if it would speak to him, unravel this puzzle. \"You're the best. Why?\"\n\nRoyal looked across the park to where children played on the swings, their happy voices ringing like crystal chimes in the crisp fall air. To where a family frolicked with three youngsters in fallen leaves under a tree. \"That's why,\" he said simply and walked away, leaving Black Suit staring after him.\n\n****\n\nThe bells at Wannabe's shop door tinkled and a hearty, \"Good morning, Sunshine! Is it gonna rain, dear?\" reached Toni's ears. She grinned, remembering her grandfather spouting off this favorite greeting, and looked up as Jack strode into her workshop.\n\n\"Aha! There you are,\" he pointed at her, \"right where you're supposed to be.\"\n\nShe looked up at him over the tops of her close-work glasses. \"Just what does that mean?\"\n\n\"That means I tried to call you all weekend and your phone was turned off. Or you didn't have it with you. Or you didn't care. Where were you, anyhow?\" Jack poured himself a cup of coffee, pulled up a chair and scrutinized her work. \"Whatcha makin' there? Looks like the pumpkin outfits Mom made us wear when we were about ten.\"\n\n\"Close. Halloween never changes. There's always a cute pumpkin\u2014or two, in this case, the O'Brien twins\u2014trick-or-treating somewhere.\" She narrowed her eyes at her brother. \"You seem to be in a great mood. What's going on?\"\n\n\"Well, my little chickadee,\" Jack twirled his non-existent mustache in his best imitation of Groucho Marx, \"my business is flourishing with three new clients and,\" he did one of his maddening drum rolls on the counter, \"I had a great weekend with a new girl.\"\n\nToni dropped her fabric onto her lap and sat back. \"Tell all! Who?\"\n\n\"Her name's Kate Bishop. She's sooo cool. You'll love her. She's just come to town. I met her at Subway when we were both buying sandwiches and the counter kid gave us the wrong ones. We sat down in a booth, exchanged the subs and got to talking... and talking. The rest, as they say, is history.\"\n\n\"Wow!\"\n\n\"And, we went out Saturday night and met Sunday for brunch. I'm serious, Toni. I think she might be The One, capital T capital O.\"\n\n\"Wow again.\" Toni rubbed her chin. \"I leave town and look what happens.\"\n\n\"You left town? Where to?\"\n\nShe explained the dead battery\u2014digressing to assure Jack that Triple A had finally hauled the van in for repair\u2014Royal's rescue, staying at Lisbet's, leaving out the details there and hoping she wouldn't blush at the memory, and the fun of dressing up for the costume ball. \"It was a stitch, really, seeing Royal trying to master the polka. In his boots, yet. Not quite the image he usually portrays.\" Then she bit her lip. \"Something kind of weird happened, though.\"\n\n\"Really. What?\" Jack leaned forward, grinning. \"Your news isn't nearly as exciting as mine, but go on.\"\n\nIt could be if I told you the juicy parts. She only related the puzzling scene in the parking lot, and speculated that the man may have followed them from Fish Creek earlier. \"It seemed like he knew Royal somehow, maybe from some time ago.\"\n\nJack frowned. \"So what did Helper have to say about it?\"\n\n\"As usual, he wouldn't discuss it. He won't talk about anything that touches on his past.\" Toni jabbed a needle into the orange cloth. \"It drives me crazy.\"\n\n\"Think he's deliberately hiding something shady? There are ways to find out.\"\n\n\"And that's not all I have to tell you. I went to see Bryce\u2014\"\n\n\"For the love of mustard, why? I thought you got that guy out of your life.\"\n\n\"I have. Pretty much. I wanted to find out why he wrote that note about Royal. Turns out, Bryce had seen Royal in Antwerp. Negotiating for diamonds. Lots of diamonds.\"\n\nEyebrows up, Jack sat back. \"My turn to say Wow. Lots of diamonds would be more than just chump change. Any reason he couldn't be doing legitimate business? Maybe something for one of the accounts that asked him for help?\" When Toni just shrugged and didn't answer, he studied her face and added, \"You really like him, don't you?\"\n\nToni sighed and looked out the window for a moment before answering. \"I'm afraid I do. He's smart and fun to be with and there's a kind of lost little boy in there somewhere that the someday mother in me wants to make all better.\"\n\n\"Uh-oh. That could be serious.\"\n\n\"Oh, Jack, pour me some more coffee. I don't know what to think. Maybe he's doing something illegal. How would I know? I'm afraid I could love him, and I don't know enough about him. I think I could get hurt again.\"\n\n\"Love can do that, as we both know.\" Jack reached over to pat Toni's arm. \"Looks like both of us might be coming up to a crossroads here. But don't forget: the Dresser twins are up to any challenge.\"\n\nShe smiled. From schoolyard hassles to bad dates, that had always been their mantra when anything posed a problem for either one of them.\n\n\"Gotta get to work. See ya Thursday, sis.\" Jack left, whistling, and Toni went back to pumpkin-making, her mind once again on Royal Stewart who was, most definitely, a challenge.\nChapter Seventeen\n\n\"Tell me more about Kate Bishop, Jack.\" Toni watched him wrest the cork from a bottle of robust red wine. She dished up their dinner of pot roast with rosemary-seasoned carrots, onions and baby red potatoes, a hearty meal for this blustery fall day. A side salad of greens with a light vinaigrette dressing accompanied the main course and later a fresh apple pie, still warm, would beg for ice cream or cheddar cheese. She had picked the apples herself, something she did every fall. Harvesting in an orchard with the sun shining on ripe fruit while fall wind rustled the trees was just the mind-clearing activity she'd needed after a hectic week finishing Halloween costumes. She didn't quite know why, but she'd felt the need to coddle Jack with some of his favorite foods tonight. He'd been properly appreciative of the aromas wafting from her kitchen as he tugged off his jacket and put it over the back of his chair.\n\n\"I don't know enough to tell yet, sis, but I hope to be able to soon.\" Jack filled their glasses. \"She's gorgeous, short dark hair and whisky brown eyes, slender, great legs.\"\n\nToni laughed, raising both hands in surrender. \"Okay, that's the photo. But what's she like?\"\n\nHe flushed. \"Oh. Sorry. She's quick, and funny, but very serious about her job.\"\n\n\"Which is?\"\n\n\"I'm not sure. Her office is in that branch bank on Libal Street. She didn't say exactly but I think she's a CPA or financial something or other. We didn't talk much about work. What music did we like\u2014a lot of the same, which is interesting\u2014what movies we've seen and what we thought of them. Stuff like that.\"\n\n\"Where did she come from? Does she have family? Where is she living?\"\n\n\"Whoa! Is this an interrogation?\" Jack asked, eyebrows raised.\n\n\"Sorry, just sisterly interest. More potatoes?\" She held out the dish. \"Can't have you falling for a bimbo, can I?\"\n\n\"No fear. She's based in D.C.\u2014that's Washington, not Door County\u2014and her work moves her where she's needed, some kind of troubleshooting, I guess. She's bought into those condos downtown that overlook the river.\"\n\n\"Who-hoo, pricey! What if her job moves her?\"\n\n\"Then she'll sell.\" Jack shook his head. \"She's got a different kind of thinking than mine, old here-is-where-I-am-and-where-I-stay Dresser. Evidently she's paid pretty well. She says, 'Why pay rent when you can earn equity?' Doesn't that sound like an accountant to you?\"\n\n\"Hmmm. For sure sounds like someone that doesn't need to count pennies.\" Toni sipped her wine. \"What about her family?\"\n\n\"She didn't mention any.\"\n\n\"And you have another date?\"\n\nJack hesitated. \"Not yet. I didn't want to come on like gangbusters, so I said I'd call her.\"\n\n\"And of course you will.\"\n\n\"Of course. I thought maybe we could double-date, get your take on her. If Royal's available and you want to. I want to get to know him, too, if he's going to be important to you. Sounds like he already could be.\" Jack heaped more potatoes on his plate, smashed them down, slapped on a pat of butter and covered them with juice from the pot roast. \"Great dinner, Toni. Perfect comfort food. So, what's new in your love life?\"\n\nShe handed him the salt and pepper. Could what she had with Royal be called a love life? Or just a sexual interlude? She sighed. \"I really don't know. I had a great\u2014better than great, but don't ask for details\u2014time with Royal over the weekend. We never ran out of things to talk about,\" she frowned, \"as long as they weren't about him. Oh, here's something that might interest you. Bryce wants more than anything to start over. Even promises to let me\u2014get that, let me\u2014make decisions sometimes.\"\n\nJack puffed out a derisive sound. \"Big of him.\"\n\n\"Well, for him, that is big.\" Toni laughed.\n\n\"You aren't thinking\u2014?\" Jack's questioning eyes probed hers.\n\n\"Not on your life.\" Toni snorted and sat back. \"But I have to admit that we did do a lot of interesting things together. I enjoyed some wonderful gourmet meals. And his owning a travel agency, he kept telling me, would be a plus for taking great trips. Not that we ever went on any together, but that was my choice, not his.\"\n\n\"Nothing you couldn't do with someone else. \"\n\n\"Of course. Right.\" Toni held out her glass for more wine. And, also of course, that surmises the someone else you hope to do them with is willing. She hadn't heard from Royal since he'd dropped her off on Sunday. Did he like to travel for pleasure? She had no idea. Out of town for a few days, he'd said. To do what? Where?\n\nThe sleazy mysterious stranger slithered into her mind. What was the story there? Obviously he had a history with Royal. Had he contacted Royal again?\n\nAs if reading her mind, Jack asked, \"What about the creepy guy in the parking lot?\"\n\n\"What about him?\"\n\n\"Think he's trouble?\"\n\nToni nodded. \"I'm sure of it. I just don't know what kind of trouble. Whatever it is, it has nothing to do with me.\" She reached for Jack's now empty plate. \"Ready for fresh apple pie?\"\n\n\"Is the Pope Catholic?\"\n\n\"Oh, Jack, get some new lines.\" She laughed and went to the kitchen to dish up dessert.\n\nThe next morning Toni had just finished reconciling her Wannabe bank account\u2014it had been a good month\u2014when the doorbells tinkled. She looked up, smiled and held out her hand, recognizing Kate Bishop from Jack's description. The slim woman was dressed in a tailored russet business suit that set off her dark hair. \"You must be Kate. I've been hoping to meet you.\" And learn more about you if you're going to be Jack's The One. \"What may I help you with? You obviously don't need a costume. That's a lovely suit.\"\n\n\"Thanks. Toni, right?\" Kate's smile was warm, her voice almost husky.\n\n\"Right. Of course Jack's told me about you. Welcome to Green Bay. I hope you'll like it here.\"\n\n\"I'm sure I will. I'm sorry to come asking a favor when we've just met, but I'm looking for Royal Stewart. Your brother said that if anyone would know where he was or how to find him, it would be you.\"\n\nToni pulled a face. \"I wish he was right, but I don't think I'll be much immediate help. I haven't seen or heard from Royal since last Sunday. He's a very private person and can be downright elusive when he wants to be. He did tell me he was going to be out of town for a few days but he didn't say where. I imagine you tried to call him?\"\n\nKate nodded. \"No answer at the only number I have. And I went to his house\u2014isn't that a beauty? But he wasn't there, either. Would you know if he's taken on work somewhere else? I understand he travels often.\"\n\n\"That much I do know. But whether he's off on a job, I haven't heard.\"\n\nKate shrugged. \"Well, it's nice to meet you anyway. Jack's told me so much about you.\"\n\n\"That could be good or bad.\" Toni grinned. \"Depending on how Jack's feeling about me at the time.\"\n\n\"Oh, no.\" Kate waved that away. \"All good. I wish I had a brother like Jack.\"\n\nToni had to smile. \"I like him now but he was a terror as a kid. He thought being four minutes older gave him dictator rights and he always tried to tell me what to do.\"\n\nKate chuckled. \"And did you do it?\"\n\n\"Not if I could help it.\" Toni laughed. \"Still don't, most of the time. Won't you sit down?\" She gestured to the customers' stool in front of the counter. \"I just brewed a new pot of coffee. Pumpkin spice, for the season.\"\n\n\"So that's the tantalizing scent I smell. I'd love some.\" Kate loosened her jacket and made herself comfortable.\n\nToni filled cups, set them on the counter. \"May I ask why you want to see Royal?\" Maybe she's someone from Royal's past? That could be interesting.\n\n\"It's no secret. He's a consultant with a good reputation and one of the bank's clients has a struggling business that could use his expertise.\"\n\n\"How did you find out about him?\"\n\n\"Just word of mouth.\"\n\n\"The best kind of advertising.\" Toni sighed. \"Sorry I can't help. Royal hasn't called, but Jack mentioned that maybe the four of us could double date for a dinner. If you're interested. When Royal comes back. And if he's interested.\"\n\n\"That would be great. I'd like that very much.\" Kate sipped her coffee. \"This is delicious.\" She looked around at the crowded racks of clothing and accessories. \"What an intriguing array. Tell me what it's like to run a costume shop.\"\n\n\"You'll probably be sorry you asked.\" Toni stirred a drop of cream into her cup. \"I could go on all day. It's fun, because of the people I meet. Challenging, when I get a special order and have to research, say, an eighteenth-century waistcoat. Patterns like that are hard to find and I sometimes end up making my own to make it authentic.\" She grinned. \"And in the right size for, for instance, a more than portly gentleman. But there's a great feeling of accomplishment. I love making something special out of nothing.\"\n\n\"It shows.\" Kate approved, getting up for a closer look at the renaissance dress Toni hadn't yet hung in its proper place. \"Do you make all these costumes?\"\n\n\"Oh, no. The run-of-the-mill Cinderella or pirate outfits are always available from the big houses. I keep some on hand, but I can get them overnight from Chicago or Milwaukee if I need them. I still have a couple of hand-made Halloween costumes to finish, then I'll have some quiet days until the Thanksgiving school pageants begin. I'm really the only full-service costume shop in town, which helps. And there are the murder mystery dinner parties. They're always themed and such fun to costume.\"\n\n\"I'm sure they are. I've never been to one of those.\" Kate glanced at her watch and put down her cup. \"I'd better get back. Thanks for the coffee. I'm delighted to have met you.\"\n\n\"And I you. If I hear from Royal I'll tell him you're looking for him. And maybe we'll have that dinner.\" Toni walked Kate to the door and watched her pull long legs into a modest mid-sized Chevy sedan. She nodded. Nice. I like her. Go for it, Jack, and see what develops. About time you found another girl.\n\n****\n\nRoyal was back and more than willing to have dinner, so later that week the four of them were seated at Eve's Supper Club as the sun dipped to the western horizon. The fourth-floor room overlooking the river was washed with a golden all's-well-with-the-world ambience. Good drinks and easy conversation flowed, covering local entertainment and recently-read books. And of course the Packers. Jack and Toni were huge fans hoping for playoff games later on. Toni sat back to watch the give and take between Kate and Jack and decided that she might be good for him, except for the possibility that she would up and leave if duty called. Then what? Toni couldn't bear to see Jack hurt again. She smiled at him and winked, their life-long signal for \"all okay?\" He winked back and she relaxed.\n\n\"So, Royal,\" said Kate after they'd given their orders. \"I've been looking forward to meeting you. I know you're a successful business consultant, but what are your interests outside of work? Do you golf? Play tennis? Collect stamps?\"\n\nRoyal's laugh was effortless, his eyes alight with humor. \"None of the above, I'm afraid.\" He passed a basket of dinner rolls to Toni, held her eyes with his for just a moment and added, \"I do enjoy a weekend in Door County.\"\n\nToni swallowed. And a moonlit-dappled bed. Feeling her cheeks flush, she concentrated on picking just the right bun from the basket before handing it on to Jack.\n\n\"What else?\" Kate pressed.\n\nRoyal spread a cracker with liver paste before answering. \"Just an ordinary guy. I consult for a living, read the papers and the Wall Street Journal and every new thriller that comes out. I love movies and plays. I'm very much enjoying Temple House, which is way too big for one person, and actually cooking for myself, something I've never done before.\" He shrugged. \"That's me in a nutshell.\"\n\nNot quite. Toni absorbed the conversation. Kate was far too interested in Royal than just offering him a business connection. What do you really do, Kate? Does Jack know? Are you here to stay, or will you break his heart like Claudia did? Toni shifted her thoughts to Royal. \"Ordinary guy\" my foot. There's a lot more hidden under that fa\u00e7ade, Royal Stewart. And it's not just your sexy body and how well you use it. Feeling her cheeks flush again, she hastily took a drink of ice water.\n\n\"Will you continue your consultation business here?\" Kate persisted. \"I mean, live in Green Bay? It seems like a great town. I may have a referral for you through the bank.\"\n\n\"Always open to an interesting opportunity,\" said Royal, and smoothly changed the subject with, \"Anyone for another drink?\"\n\nLater, back at Toni's, Royal and Toni relaxed under wool blankets on her small patio, enjoying after-dinner black Russians.\n\n\"What a beautiful night for so late in the year,\" Toni said. \"The stars seem close enough to touch.\" She was quiet for a moment, then asked, \"Kate's good for Jack, don't you think? I don't want to sound like a nosy sister, but I don't know much about her, except what little Jack's told me.\" And I'd like to know why she had so many questions about you.\n\n\"They seem fine together,\" he replied, not sure whether that relationship was a good one but appreciating Toni's sisterly concern. What must it be like to have someone care so much about your happiness?\n\nUnlike Toni, Royal knew a great deal about Kate Ross, but it wasn't his information to disclose, at least not now. Earlier, with a few clicks, he'd accessed a data base that brought Kate's attractive face onto the screen, along with her background and her career dossier. As he'd suspected, and was sure Jack didn't know, she was not a number-cruncher, bogus bank office or not. She was a lawyer turned high-level investigator, working with a DC agency he was quite familiar with and\u2014he hadn't been surprised to learn\u2014her current investigation was himself. He'd sat back, smiling, tapping his fingers on the desk. You aren't the first, Miss Kate. You may be good, but you won't learn anything important about me. The Group is too deep for that.\n\nThey would contact him again, he knew. They wouldn't give up so easily because Black Suit was right, Royal was one of the best. Stopping criminals was a rush, and he was good at it. Better than good. But his answer to The Group would be the same: No more. Danger was heady, even exhilarating when your life was on the line, you had no one to answer to, and no one to care whether you came out alive or not.\n\nBut every day he was learning how very much he wanted Toni Dresser to care. His thoughts swirled. Am I foolish to think it possible that she could care if she knew about my legacy? What my parents had been? He studied her across the small table between their chaise lounges. Is this the right time to find out?\n\n\"Royal? Earth to Royal?\" Toni was laughing at him, her eyes sparkling in the moonlight. \"Have you gone off planet?\"\n\n\"Sorry. Tonight really was nice. Toni\u2014\" he hesitated, second-guessing himself. Somehow the words just wouldn't come. Finally he blurted, \"There are things\u2014oh, hell, Andrews is right. I'm not the person you think I am.\"\n\n\"What? Wait a minute!\" Toni sat up straight and swung around to face him. \"You don't know what I think about you at all,\" she protested. \"How can I even form an opinion when you won't tell me anything real about yourself? I'm a good listener, and I don't judge. Whatever you think I feel about you, you're probably wrong. I know everybody doesn't have the nice, simple past that I do, but I'm aware there's a big world out there full of things people have to deal with that aren't so nice.\"\n\nHe nodded. \"That there is. You've been lucky. I haven't.\"\n\nToni huffed. \"Life isn't just a matter of luck, for God's sake.\" She leaned forward to look into his face. \"Be straight with me, Royal, for once. Maybe you're a serial killer who chops up women and puts them in your freezer. Maybe you're married with a wife and eight kids in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Maybe you're a,\" she paused for breath, \"double agent for the KGB. Whatever. Open up!\" Her voice had risen \"Tell me your deep, dark secrets and let me decide what I think.\"\n\n\"You think I have deep, dark secrets?\"\n\n\"Well, why else would you be so closed off?\" Toni threw her blanket aside, and stomped on her impossibly high heels to the end of the flagstone patio. Above her sleek emerald sheath her mass of blonde curls fanned out in the moonlight, an angel's halo. How can any woman\u2014especially an angry one\u2014be so beautiful? So tempting?\n\nToni shook her finger at Royal. \"Every single question I've asked you has been answered curtly with a 'not for publication' or 'that's not important.' In my book, Mr. Stewart\u2014or Mr. Stone, I still haven't got that figured out\u2014relationships are built on trust, on knowing the other person, warts and all. Evidently that's not true for you.\" She strode back and stood looking down at him with her hands on her hips. \"Or are you just content to pigeonhole us as nothing more than willing sex partners?\"\n\nHe opened his mouth but she didn't give him the chance to answer. \"If so, nice as it was, and it was nice, for me there's got to be more. So, I quit. You can see yourself out.\" She picked up their half-empty glasses, flounced into the house and slammed the door. He heard the deadbolt snick into place.\n\nHe stared after her. Nice going, Stewart. You might as well have slammed that door yourself.\nChapter Eighteen\n\nRoyal paced the den in Temple House. I was right to tell The Group I was done. They'll just have to deal with it.\n\nWhen the Group had first approached him, he'd been consulting with a company in Virginia. He'd acquired his MBA and was fast building a name for himself, making a bottom-line difference for floundering companies from Maine to the west coast.\n\nHe'd been leery of the man in the neat black suit, starched collar and shiny gold cufflinks. Who wears cufflinks any more? \"Thanks for the offer, but I'm doing fine on my own.\"\n\n\"We know, Stewart. Your history is impressive. You have talents we can use, and the pay is excellent. I'd like to tell you more. Buy you lunch?\"\n\nRoyal thought he knew a scam when he heard one. This sounded like something his parents might have dreamed up, and look what happened to them. \"Nice meeting you, but no thanks, again,\" he'd said.\n\n\"I'll be back.\" The recruiter smiled, but Royal didn't see humor in his eyes, only determination. \"You're the kind of man we need.\"\n\nThat had been flattering, but Royal hadn't been interested enough to ask questions. He was doing well, and if his life was lonely he was used to that; there'd be new people in new towns. He liked the travel. Here and there he met a woman who interested him, sometimes enough for good sex or a home-cooked dinner, sometimes both. But no woman intrigued him enough to make him want to see her again. What was that old saying? \"Love 'em and leave 'em\" or something like that.\n\nBut now he'd met Toni. And he owned a home, his first. It felt good to have a place that actually belonged to him.\n\nIt was the intrigue of money laundering connected with illegal blood diamonds that brought him into The Group, an agency so undercover, Royal learned, that they weren't officially listed anywhere. The nameless black-suited handler was his only contact. No employee roster, no past reports, no future projections, no budget, no W-2 forms to fill out. Just good, really good, money for work well done, thank you very much.\n\n\"You'll have the authority of The Group behind everything you do,\" said Black Suit. \"We'll fit in with your consulting business. That's a great cover, moves you around. We can reach you anywhere.\"\n\nAnd so they had. The rigorous physical and mental training they demanded set him up to meet any emergency, and his security clearance allowed him to tap into any intelligence, immigration or police reports, like Sam Neeley's prison record. The work was interesting, challenging and Royal had been instrumental in stopping millions of dollars from falling into the wrong hands.\n\nAll good. But what I want now is a secure future with Toni, and that can't include more work for The Group. And I still have so many unanswered questions about my own life.\n\nOnce again sitting at Grace's desk, Royal held the old photograph of his parents that somehow had come to be here. Had his mother sent it? He'd found no other pictures of his parents, and none of himself.\n\nThe picture had been taken on a sunshine-filled promise-of-summer morning with a few wisps of clouds near the blue horizon. The old hotel where they'd stayed the night had lost business when the interstate bypassed it and the aging owner was glad to have anyone stop. He'd even offered a candy bar to young Royal.\n\n\"You stay here, son,\" his father had said as his parents walked to the shiny car, which he learned later had been stolen. \"We'll be back to get you in a couple of hours.\"\n\nRoyal was used to being left alone. \"Okay, Dad. Wait a second.\" Royal had run to get the camera. \"Let me take your picture before you go, okay?\"\n\nHis mother had laughed, rumpled his hair and spit on her thumb to wipe something from his chin. To this day Royal could remember the warmth of her caring touch. \"It will be a keepsake of this special morning forever, won't it, honey?\" She'd hugged Royal and even yet he remembered the flowery scent she always wore. Probably it was cheap dime-store toilet water. It couldn't have been anything that cost much because money was mostly in short supply unless one of his father's late-night forays was successful. Thieving had been their life\u2014another fact he'd found out later\u2014one step ahead of the law, but they'd made it fun. Always a new town, new adventure, a new ice cream shop.\n\nSome time must have passed between taking this picture\u2014Royal must have been about five\u2014and their deaths. He hadn't known what really happened on that fatal day until years later when he was old enough to read yellowed newspaper accounts of a branch bank robbery and a high-speed chase. He only knew his parents had died in an accident, he was alone and there was no one except the foster care system to take him in.\n\nThat could have been worse. In only one home had he been mistreated physically. Mostly he'd been fed, clothed and either preached at or ignored. Now he couldn't even recall some of those well-meaning foster parents. He did remember the Masons, because they were the last. By the time he was fifteen he knew if he didn't get away he'd be running for years in the hamster wheel of social services.\n\nIf anyone had tried to find him when he changed his name and took off, he never heard about it. He just knew he had to put miles behind him, and he had. A sympathetic semi-driver carrying furniture wheeled him from Mississippi to Texas. Another, a cattle hauler\u2014he could still recall the smell\u2014took him from Texas to Colorado, where he hunkered down, worked construction until he got his GED. Then he'd hitched to Virginia where, again through construction work, he'd put himself through college, eventually earned his MBA and become Royal Stewart, Helper.\n\nNow he ran his fingertip over his parents' faces. If they had lived, then what? Where would he be today? He looked around the book-lined study, felt the years of history here, history he could have, should have, been a part of. He leaned back and closed his eyes for a moment. Did he believe in fate? Was his great-aunt right when she'd said nothing he could have done differently along the way would have changed his being here, at this time, in this place? He slipped the little photograph back into Grace Temple's journal. Why had this picture been separated from others he'd found? He reached for the bible, opened it to the last page of the family record and in careful script added Grace Temple's death date to the list, wondering once more why the name of Roger Stone, the tall, robust man Royal remembered as his father, had never been included.\n\nRoyal looked around the study and pictured Toni in this house, brightening the rooms just by being there, making a life with him. Making a family. She could never be told the things he had done for The Group; that was a given. But that wasn't all he'd kept from her, and she'd made it pretty clear she expected full disclosure. Her accusation that he pigeonholed them as only wonderful sex partners smarted, but what had he done to make her think otherwise? Could she accept him when he told her of his childhood, his parents' legacy of thievery and scams? How they died running from the law? Fit that past against hers: loving brother, caring parents. He pictured her wide brown eyes, her luminous personality. Her incredible responses to him physically. But most important, when she learned the truth, how much he'd held back, would she ever trust him with her heart?\n\nRoyal went upstairs to the elegant master bedroom he had chosen for his own. The king-sized bed was covered in a rich velour duvet with matching pillows that picked up maroon accents in the drapes. In one corner filled bookshelves and a good reading lamp near a comfortable recliner welcomed a quiet evening. French doors led onto the balcony that overlooked the river.\n\nRoyal lifted his saxophone from the chair and went out, reveling in the quiet, crisp fall air and the waning moon that traced a wavy path over the river. A lovely night in a lovely place where Grace Temple had spent the years after her husband's death with only memories for company. But it's not a place I want to live in alone.\n\nHe held a reed in his mouth for a few moments to wet it before fitting it onto the sax and bringing the instrument to his lips. Without consciously choosing a tune he loosed clear, haunting notes that drifted like ethereal wisps of dreams over the darkened neighborhood. Maybe when you've had the best of love, memories are enough. He very much wanted that kind of loving. With Toni. Just thinking about her, picturing her face, sent a river of warmth all through his body, wafted lilting, seductive phrases onto the night air.\n\nBut there were things to accomplish before he could pursue that future. He'd already started by retiring from The Group. But there was still Sam Neeley to be dealt with. He'd disappeared since the encounter in Door County, but Royal sensed impending trouble there. Why had he followed Royal? What did he want? Did he know, or think he knew, something that could ruin The Group's well-laid plans for future missions? How was that possible? Sam was no mastermind, just a grifter, greedy and not too smart. A lost boy grown into a lost man.\n\nRoyal closed his eyes, letting his music liberate his thoughts, replay his past. Suddenly his notes fought against each other, wild, discordant, unpleasant, riding the horrific memories and images that sporadically surfaced in his mind, the nightmares that surged into his dreams. Big-eyed, malnourished fly-ridden children of parents forced to work the mines\u2014a guard smashing the butt of his gun into the skull of a starving worker too sick to perform\u2014the innocent face of Amalie as she helped him escape his sweltering prison, hid him, cared for him until he was well...\n\nAway from The Group's involvement there now, Royal had become point man for stopping the cartels at this end. In spite of having told Black Suit he was finished, he knew it would be only a matter of time before another call: \"We need you, Stewart. Just once more.\"\n\nNo! His fingers jumbled a torrent of harsh, unmelodic notes into the darkness, the answer coming from his very core. His future was here. His answer would still be no.\nChapter Nineteen\n\nAs he'd known it would, the call came.\n\nThe few leaves that hadn't been raked up skittered across the grass as Black Suit, now sleek in a long dark overcoat, waited as Royal strode across the empty park, suppressed anger propelling every step.\n\nOverhead, bare branches clattered against each other as the chilly, raw November wind blustered through them. Grey clouds roiled across the sky. The air held the sense of snow to come soon.\n\n\"Sit down, Stewart.\" Black Suit gestured to the bench beside him.\n\n\"No thanks,\" Royal stood with his fisted hands thrust deep into the pockets of his worn leather bomber jacket. \"I'll stand. Exactly what part of 'No more' didn't you get?\"\n\n\"This is the last thing we'll ask of you. Promise.\"\n\nRoyal almost laughed aloud as Black Suit actually criss-crossed his heart, a childlike gesture incongruous with his usual austere no-nonsense demeanor. \"I told you I was done,\" Royal stated, his voice hard. \"I meant it.\"\n\nBlack Suit pulled his coat tighter against the weather. \"This will be a little different than what you've been doing recently. I think you'll change your mind when you learn what this involves.\"\n\nRoyal's mind flooded with unwelcome memories of fieldwork in Sierra Leone. \"I won't go back to Africa.\"\n\nBlack Suit continued as though Royal hadn't spoken, \"We have everything in place except the last piece.\"\n\n\"And that is?\"\n\n\"You.\"\n\nRoyal made a disparaging sound through his lips. \"Why me? Why not Larson? Or Goldsmith? They're both good, both capable. Probably both interested. I'm not.\"\n\n\"But they're not as good as you. And you're in the right place already. A few days, tops. It's an easy one.\"\n\n\"There's no such thing as an easy one when lives are at stake, you know that,\" said Royal. \"And I have a consulting job coming up.\"\n\n\"I know, but that's not for a couple of weeks, right?\"\n\nOf course they knew he wasn't due at the Dallas company until the first of the month. Reluctant, Royal admitted, \"Right.\"\n\n\"You were very close to a family in Sierra Leone,\" Black Suit stated.\n\nRoyal caught his breath. \"What has that to do with anything?\"\n\n\"You know what conditions are like there. How dangerous it is for anyone who doesn't toe the line.\" Black Suit pulled a photograph from his pocket and handed it to Royal.\n\nHis heart lurched. Amalie. The innocent young girl who'd freed him from that bamboo cage, saved his life. And her parents, who had helped her care for him until he could function again. He swallowed. \"What about them?\"\n\n\"They've been targeted. Her father has been beaten so badly we aren't sure he'll live. The mother is selling herself to put food on the table for the younger boy. The girl\u2014\"\n\nRoyal cut in, his voice rough. \"Amalie? What about her? Is she all right?\"\n\n\"So far. She's been threatened. You know what happens, especially to women when they don't cooperate. It doesn't look good.\" He hesitated, studying Royal's face. \"Do this one last job for us and we'll move them to safety.\"\n\nRoyal turned away, took a couple of steps. Turned back, his eyes glittering. \"Be honest and call it blackmail.\"\n\n\"Call it what you will.\" Black Suit shrugged. \"We need you, Stewart. They need you. You can keep the photo.\"\n\nRoyal stared at it for a long moment, fighting back unbidden memories. Finally he stuffed the picture into his pocket, swallowed and cleared his throat. His voice was rough when he said, \"Give me details. Where, when. What's needed.\"\n\n\"Good man. I'll be in touch. Two days, tops. You won't regret this, Stewart.\"\n\n\"I already regret it,\" Royal said, turning to leave. \"But you give me no choice.\"\n\n****\n\n\"You did what?\" Toni's mouth fell open and she almost dropped the dish of almond buttered asparagus she was setting on the table for her weekly dinner with Jack. \"Say that again. Slowly.\" She saw the delight in his eyes at her reaction.\n\n\"Now I know what that expression 'looks like a deer in the headlights' really means,\" he said, laughing. \"Follow along closely now, sis. I said, I asked Kate to go to Arizona for Thanksgiving. Meet the folks.\"\n\nToni sank down on her chair. \"Wow.\"\n\n\"That's all you have to say?\"\n\n\"Well, you took me by surprise. Needless to say, Mom will be thrilled to hear about this. How'd it come about? Sit down and tell me all the details.\"\n\nJack sat, helped himself to asparagus and chicken marinara, drizzled some French dressing on his salad, put his napkin across his lap and set his salad plate precisely at his left...\n\n\"Jack!\" Toni almost shouted. \"Quit fooling around just to make me wait and tell me what happened. All of it.\"\n\nHe sighed, trying to look injured. \"Oh, okay. Don't yell at me. I just wanted to savor the moment of your Wow.\"\n\n\"Consider it savored. And for God's sake pour the wine.\"\n\n\"Well, I was driving past the park.\" Jack reached for her glass, filled it and handed it to her. \"And there she was, sitting in her car, taking pictures out the window.\"\n\n\"Pictures? Of what? On a day like this?\"\n\n\"Hey, it's my story, let me tell it.\"\n\n\"Sorry. Do go on.\" Toni took a good-sized swig and waited, tapping her fingertips on the table while he poured his own wine.\n\n\"She said she'd heard that a big woodpecker hung out there and she wanted to get a photo of it.\"\n\n\"Really. Isn't that kind of odd? Don't the birds go south for the winter?\"\n\n\"Not this one. I guess. I didn't see it. She didn't either. So I asked her to go to lunch with me, and she did.\"\n\nToni nodded. \"Where'd you go?\"\n\n\"The Village Grille. You know it?\"\n\n\"Sure. Nice place. Great chili. And?\"\n\n\"We had a great lunch, talked all through it, darned if I know what about, and before I knew it I'd asked her.\"\n\nToni dished up more asparagus. \"I promised Mom we'd talk about going there for Thanksgiving. I didn't expect our conversation to take this turn.\"\n\nJack frowned. \"You think it's too soon? Think I'm jumping the gun?\"\n\n\"A little late for asking my opinion, isn't it?\" Toni grinned. \"Wish I'd been there. I bet Kate was surprised, to say the least.\"\n\n\"You got that right. She nearly sputtered coffee out her nose. Pass the potatoes, please.\"\n\nToni did, followed with a platter of marinara and waited. Waited some more.\n\n\"Well?\" Jack finally looked up. \"No comment?\"\n\n\"You haven't told me what her answer was.\"\n\n\"I don't know yet. I had to leave. I told her to call you.\"\n\n\"Why?\" Toni asked, intrigued. \"You want backup, or what?\"\n\n\"I just thought she'd be more comfortable. Wine?\" He gestured with the bottle, reached for her glass. \"You know, asking girl stuff.\"\n\n\"Girl stuff?\"\n\n\"You know, like what to wear. Like what are the folks like? How to win them over?\"\n\nToni sighed. \"Oh, Jack. You don't have to win them over. Kate's lovely. They'll just be happy for you.\"\n\n\"I hope so. But enough about me. What about you? What's new with you and Royal? Why not ask him to come, too?\" Jack's smile was infectious and Toni couldn't help giving it back. \"We can be a fearsome foursome instead of our usual terrific twosome.\"\n\nToni snorted. \"We hadn't even said you and I were going yet.\" She toyed with her fork. \"Besides, Royal's gone again. I think. I haven't heard. Probably off to some consulting job. Anyway, I think he's furious with me.\"\n\n\"Really?\" Jack stopped scooping up a forkful of asparagus. \"Why? Things looked fine between you two when we were out to dinner together.\"\n\n\"Well, they were. And we went back to my place for an after dinner drink.\" Toni made a face. \"He said Bryce was right about him and that he wasn't what I thought. If I'd had any sense I would have shut up and let him talk, but I blew up. Told him he didn't have any idea what I thought blah blah blah. You get the picture.\"\n\n\"A Toni rant?\"\n\nShe had the grace to hang her head. \"Yeah. Like a ten year old. Then I slammed the door on him. Oh, Jack, I don't know what we are or if he expects me to be part of his life or not.\" She put her chin on her hand. \"I'm really wondering whether I'm just wasting my time with him.\"\n\n\"Hmmm. Mr. Mysterious. Once again, great meal, Toni. Want more wine?\" He reached across with the bottle. \"You've asked him point blank to level with you?\"\n\nShe nodded. \"Yes to wine and yes to your question. I've tried. His answers are always evasive. Off limits. Not for publication. Something in his past\u2014who knows, even in his present\u2014is something he won't trust me with.\" Toni shook head. \"I don't think I can keep seeing him, Jack. It's too hard. You'll probably think this is over the top, and I kind of think it is, too, but I'm going to ask Link to do a background check on him.\"\n\n\"Excellent move. That ought to give you some answers. He can dig deeper than I could. Remember, good things are worth working for, Dad always said.\"\n\nToni sighed. \"The thing is, Jack, I don't know how to work on this, or even if I should. And truthfully I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth the effort.\"\n\n\"Really?\" He raised his eyebrows. \"Really really?\"\n\nShe had to smile. In their special way of communicating, one \"really\" meant just wondering. Two required a serious answer. \"I guess not really really. Just\u2014oh, dammit, Jack\u2014I've fallen for the guy and I don't think he feels the same way about me.\"\n\n\"Guess we're kind of in the same boat, sis,\" Jack said around a mouthful of mashed potatoes. \"But I intend to keep on rowing. It's more fun than I've had for a long time.\"\n\nIt was great to see Jack so on top of the world. Smiling, she held out a platter. \"Have another chicken breast.\"\n\nAfter he left, Toni wandered through the house, picking up misplaced books, flicking dust off the coffee table, and asking herself, do I really really want to keep on rowing?\"\n\n****\n\n\"Toni!\" Attorney Lincoln Spencer rose from his desk and wrapped her in a big, brotherly hug. He was impeccably dressed, as always, and smelled of pleasant musky aftershave. \"Courtney didn't tell me you were going to be in Sister Bay.\"\n\n\"She doesn't know. I didn't know myself until a couple of hours ago.\"\n\n\"So...\" Link paused, his eyes searching her face, \"to what do I owe this pleasure? Have a seat.\"\n\n\"I'll get right to it, and then maybe, if you have time, we can have lunch with Courtney before I stop at Wannabe and head back.\"\n\nLink nodded. \"Sounds like a plan. Courtney will be delighted.\" He sat across from Toni, tented his hands on his desk and waited for her to speak. When she didn't, he asked, \"Want me to chase down a non-paying customer?\"\n\nToni ignored that and leaned forward, her expression grave. \"Do I have to give you a dollar to keep this confidential?\"\n\nHe laughed. \"Wow. Sounds serious. Are you planning a crime?\"\n\n\"No. At least I don't think so. I want you to do a thorough background check on someone. Find out everything about him. You can do that, can't you? I mean, you know how?\"\n\n\"Yes,\" he answered, obviously hesitant. \"Is this person in trouble with the law?\"\n\n\"Not that I know of.\" Toni looked down at her hands clasped in her lap. She sighed. \"If he is, it's not obvious. He seems to get along with them pretty well.\"\n\nLink swiveled his chair to look out the window for a moment, swiveled back and said, \"There are rules about privacy. Do you have a reason to invade his?\"\n\nToni looked away. \"It's personal.\"\n\n\"Let me guess. The intriguing Royal Stewart.\"\n\n\"Got it in one.\" Toni sighed. \"Am I so transparent?\"\n\n\"I surmised when you were together at the Fall Ball that things were heating up.\" He chuckled. \"You may be interested to know that Courtney and Lisbet have a bet on how soon you're going to make it official.\"\n\nToni's mouth dropped open. \"You're kidding!\"\n\nHe raised one hand, three fingers up. \"Scout's honor.\"\n\n\"Oh, my.\" Toni had to laugh. \"How much are they betting?\"\n\nLink smiled. \"That I don't know.\" Sobering, he leaned forward, his grey eyes probing Toni's. \"Why do you want me to check Stewart's background? He seems like a good-enough guy. Why don't you just ask him what you want to know?\"\n\n\"Believe me, I have. He's very evasive. It's all 'not for publication.' Either he's done some awful things and thinks he can't trust me with knowing about them, or he's undercover. I could believe that, or he really is a bad guy, and I don't want to believe that. Here.\" She reached into her spacious hobo bag\u2014a just-because-we're-friends gift from Drea\u2014and pulled out a thin folder. \"This is all I know, along with the little Jack pulled up on the computer. It's not much.\"\n\nLink nodded, took the papers and gave them a quick scan. \"You're right, it's not much. Sure you want to know more?\"\n\nShe nodded. \"I'm sure. Maybe it will be helpful to know that the mysterious stranger that broke into Royal's car the night of the Fall Ball called him 'Stone,' not 'Stewart.' And it seemed that he knew Royal from before. He said something about Royal 'owing' him. Truthfully, Link\"\u2014Toni paused, biting her lip\u2014\"I think I really care about Royal and it scares me to death. It's like free-falling into a bottomless black hole.\"\n\nLink thought for a moment, then tapped his fingers on the folder. \"Maybe you should give me that dollar.\"\n\n****\n\nAgainst her better judgment, Toni accepted Bryce's invitation to see Chorus Line again. They had a delightful dinner before the performance and he was a perfect gentleman\u2014didn't even try to hold her hand after his first attempt. \"Okay, I get it,\" he said, but he'd smiled.\n\nThey'd laughed at the humor in the performance, loved the music, enjoyed the pathos and left on the high note of the finale.\n\n\"Kind of like the good old days,\" Bryce observed as Toni settled into the soft leather of his BMW. Then he grimaced. \"But not quite.\"\n\nShe was quiet for a moment. There had been good old days, until she'd realized how controlling he'd become. \"You've been a good friend, Bryce.\"\n\nHe frowned, sighed, and pulled out into traffic. \"Want to stop for a nightcap?\"\n\n\"Let's get back to Green Bay first,\" Toni said. \"Drinking and driving, you know?\"\n\n\"Probably wise,\" Bryce agreed. They drove for a few miles, each in their own thoughts. Finally he blurted, \"Have you learned anything\u2014\" he broke off, took a breath, then continued. \"Hell, Toni, are you seeing Stewart? Is it serious, or do I have a chance to worm my way back into your life?\"\n\nHe sounded so appealing that Toni felt her stomach clench. \"Oh, Bryce, you'll always be part of my life. We've shared so much.\"\n\nHe sighed. \"Past tense, I note.\"\n\nShe sighed, too, for the spark that was gone. She touched his arm. \"I do thank you for a marvelous evening.\"\n\n\"My pleasure.\" He hesitated, then said, \"I'm not giving up. My world is yours for the asking. You know I'll call.\"\n\nHe left her at her door with a chaste kiss on her forehead. She watched his elegant BMW disappear around the corner before realizing she still wore his sport coat. Gentleman that he was, he'd slung it over her shoulders to protect her from the night air. Or maybe in his controlling way he left it on purpose so I'd have to return it soon. As she turned into the house, her mind wandered back to the perfect summer evening when their affair had begun, for even though their relationship had lasted more than a year, that had really been what it was.\n\nAfter spending too many hours alone at Wannabe\u2014not counting Midnight for company\u2014Toni had gone for a walk down the paved trail along the Fox River. The early summer evening temperature was just right. Sunlight glinted on the water, boats trailed water skiers, or simply offered an enjoyable end-of-day ride. Couples walked hand-in-hand. Families rode by on bicycles. Everyone except Toni seemed to be with someone else.\n\nShe dropped down on a bench, stretched out her legs, leaned back and shut her eyes. She loved her work, her house, her brother and her friends, but sometimes...sometimes that empty ache caught up with her. Thirty-three years old with nobody to come home to.\n\n\"Are you all right?\"\n\nThe concerned question pulled her out of her thoughts and she squinted up into a tall silhouette that repeated, \"I asked, are you all right?\"\n\nToni blinked and smiled. \"Yes. Just thinking. But thanks for asking.\"\n\nThe slim man in white summer shorts and T-shirt slid onto the bench beside her. He smelled of musky aftershave mixed with sweat from running, a purely pleasurable masculine scent. \"Sure?\" he persisted. \"I watched you for a minute and wasn't sure you were alive.\"\n\n\"Alive and kicking.\" She smiled and seesawed her running shoes to prove it.\n\nThe man didn't leave. \"I'm Bryce Andrews,\" he said. \"And we're only a few steps away from a cool glass of wine up at Eve's to watch the sun go down. Interested?\" He held out his hand.\n\nShe took it.\n\nSo many remembrances. Their times together had been a whirlwind of sailing miles up into Green Bay, driving the area in one or another of his many sports cars, testing the menus at restaurants from Door County to Sheboygan, listening to concerts in city parks and country taverns, dancing to music in clubs and spending time together in his elegant riverside condo. She'd learned that Bryce owned a successful travel agency, was rich and enjoyed sharing his wealth. He was sexy and inventive in bed, Toni thought now, but she'd felt none of the fiery passion, the unbelievable heights she'd experienced with Royal.\n\nBryce had been intelligent, entertaining\u2014though Toni didn't always appreciate his taste in jokes\u2014and controlling. So controlling.\n\n\"Jeez, Toni,\" Jack had said over a quick drink one evening before her date with Bryce. \"It's his way or the highway. Do you really like the guy that much? He doesn't leave you time for anyone else.\"\n\n\"Meaning you. I'm so sorry, Jack,\" Toni said. It was late fall and they hadn't had their regular Thursday night dinner very often since she'd met Bryce. \"You're absolutely right.\" Bryce had molded her into the woman who fit into his world. Until she'd come to her senses.\n\nNow she turned to go back into her empty house. She could have it all, the grand home, the family, the life of a wealthy woman, and she didn't even want it. What she was pretty sure she did want was a future with Royal. But what he'd offered so far was nothing more than some laughs and fantastic sex with that superhero body. Even the thought of their nights together made her catch her breath. What could be so bad about himself that he couldn't share it? There had to be some way to make him open up. Or get him out of her life.\nChapter Twenty\n\nBack at Temple House after a few days working in North Carolina, Royal reclined near a dancing fire in the study with the latest Jeffrey Deaver novel in hand. He ignored the book and stared into the flames. Work had gone well in Charlotte, but he'd had a hard time staying focused on it. Toni's furious face kept flashing into his mind, along with the resounding slam of her door. Had Toni really meant it when she'd said \"I quit?\" And could he blame her if she did?\n\nHe grimaced at the buzz of his second cell phone. Only The Group had that number and the last thing he wanted right now was to hear from them. \"Stewart here,\" he barked. \"Where's the merchandise and what do you need done?\"\n\n\"From the sound of your voice I must be calling at a bad time. If so, I'm sorry, but I have information for you. There'll be no merchandise. With this mission you'll be dealing in intel,\" Black Suit stated. \"We've finally identified a man whose operation has been so slick we've been unable to get anything on him until now.\"\n\n\"Okay, so go get him. Simple. You don't need me.\"\n\n\"All we've got so far is his name and rumors. We need hard evidence.\"\n\n\"What about Amalie?\"\n\n\"We've kept our promise. Amalie and her family are safe in Tanzania. They're fine, Stewart.\"\n\nFine. Royal let out a breath and relaxed. Amalie was out of danger. He pictured the girl's open, guileless face, remembered the life-threatening chance she'd taken to divert the guard after cutting Royal free from his bondage, the tender, healing care she'd given him when he needed it so badly and couldn't help himself.\n\n\"You know I can't\u2014won't\u2014go back to Africa.\"\n\n\"You don't have to. This operation will play out right here in Green Bay.\" Black Suit described the assignment, his narrative punctuated intermittently by Royal's questions.\n\n\"Say that again!\" Royal sat up straight, put his feet flat on the floor and burst out, \"Who? Dangerous? You've got to be kidding!\"\n\n\"Do I? Why?\"\n\n\"The man's a stable business owner. Never a black mark against him in the community. Believe me, I've checked him out for my own reasons. He's a churchgoer, donates to the Salvation Army and food pantries...\" Royal didn't add that, according to Toni, the man was a pain in the ass. \"Slight complication here: Toni Dresser was involved with him.\"\n\n\"Was. She broke it off. So what?\"\n\n\"That doesn't mean she won't still have feelings for him,\" said Royal. \"This would be better handled by someone else.\"\n\n\"Perhaps. But you're here, part of the local scenery. He'll never suspect you.\"\n\n\"Until it's over. And I stand to lose what ground I've gained with the woman I hope will share the rest of my life.\"\n\n\"All the better to get him out of the picture. And remember, you agreed.\"\n\nRoyal snorted. \"Bad move on my part. I should have asked more questions.\"\n\n\"May I remind you, Amalie's family is safe. They have food and shelter, and they won't be found.\" He paused. \"Back to Andrews. Ever wonder how he made so much money?\"\n\n\"No.\" Royal frowned. \"Not my business. I only wondered why he had such an interest in me.\"\n\n\"We're sure Andrews is aware of your involvement with diamonds. We don't think he knows we're onto his part in the money laundering connected to the illegals. We've got pictures of him in Paris and Berlin with a tall, flamboyant redhead named Monica Asher who's been part of his cover. She's disappeared but it wouldn't surprise me if she surfaced in Green Bay to split the profits from this last shipment. We need more intel on these two. Stewart, wrap this up before somebody here really does get hurt.\" Black Suit paused, as though reading notes, then continued, \"What's Andrews' connection to the illegal diamond people in Sierra Leone? How does this morph into money to launder? The redhead can't work down there\u2014she'd stand out like a UFO at an antique car show. So exactly how does she fit? Does she have important information, or is she just a plaything for Andrews? Most important, how\u2014and through what channels\u2014does Andrews launder the money?\"\n\nBryce Andrews. The man's name circled through Royal's mind. So Mr. Pain-in-the-Ass was considerably more than just that. No wonder he was interested in Royal, who could definitely put a crimp in what must be a very lucrative money-laundering business. But could he wash big bucks through his travel agency? Royal frowned. Possibly. He must have contacts all over the world, using his tour business as front, moving money from one country to another, investing in local financial agencies, moving it again. Probably through bank accounts in Switzerland or offshore in the Cayman Islands. Those could be traced...\n\n\"Stewart? Are you there?\" Black Suit's voice brought Royal back to the conversation. \"Have we lost our connection?\"\n\n\"I'm here. Just thinking. That's all you've got? No other names? Numbers? Sightings? What about bank transfers?\"\n\n\"I'm sending everything we've got to your secured data account. We're counting on you to get the rest.\"\n\nRoyal thought of Amalie and her family. Whatever he had to do for The Group now was worth it. Clear up this bit with Andrews, and then he'd be done. Finished. Free to pursue a future with Toni...if she'd have him.\n\n\"Have I lost you again?\" Black Suit sounded annoyed.\n\n\"No. Right here. Putting this all together. Ready to work.\"\n\n\"Good. Keep me posted.\"\n\n\"Anything else I should know?\"\n\n\"Just be careful. You're on your own unless you choose to pull someone else in. Andrews is slick. He didn't get this far without being on top of his business. He won't roll over easily. I repeat: he's a dangerous man.\"\n\nRoyal clicked off, sat back and stared into the flames as though they could provide some answers. According to Toni, Andrews was controlling and annoying on a personal level. But was he dangerous? Would she protect him out of loyalty to their previous relationship? Royal's thoughts churned with questions. Where to start?\n\nBut before he got into that, he had to make things right with Toni. The finality of that slammed door had surfaced in his mind over and over and he'd had trouble focusing on work ever since. He glanced at his watch and took a deep breath. No time like the present, Stewart. Hoping it wasn't too late to call, he punched in her number. Should a grown man have butterflies in his stomach? Will she hang up on me?\n\n\"Hello?\" Toni answered on the first ring. \"Royal?\" He heard caution in her voice, then a pause. \"I thought I might never hear from you again.\"\n\nIn spite of caller ID she answered; that has to mean something. He let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. \"Not a chance of that, Toni. How are you?\"\n\n\"I'm fine. Well, fine except for feeling like a fool.\" She rushed ahead. \"I should have been the one to call. I want to apologize for going off on you the night we went to dinner. Which was lovely, by the way.\"\n\n\"No need,\" he said, \"really. Anyway, I've been out of town.\" What he really wanted to say was, Lord, I miss you. Can I come over right now and hold you? Feel the warmth of you in my arms? Make love to you all night? Clear the air so there's never a door slammed between us again?\n\n\"You're not\u2014\" she hesitated. \"Mad?\"\n\nHe chuckled, relief flooding through him. \"Not a bit. In fact, I called to ask if you have plans for Halloween.\"\n\n\"I guess not.\" She paused. \"Jack and I usually do something. He knows it's my favorite day of the year. But I think he and Kate may want to be together. They're getting very close, as you might have noticed when we were out with them. What do you have in mind?\"\n\n\"Drinks and dinner, for starters. Maybe we could check into some spots to see if the vampires and werewolves are out...we can play that by ear. I hate to say so, but I'll even wear a costume if you insist.\"\n\nHer giggle was infectious and he couldn't help smiling. \"Not the cowboy getup again, I hope.\"\n\n\"Shucks, ma'am. I thought that was definitely me, what with them six-shooters an' all.\"\n\nShe groaned. \"Please, no six-shooters. They wouldn't be any use against vampires or werewolves anyway, without silver bullets. Will you pick me up at Wannabe? I should be finished with all my Halloween bits and pieces by about seven.\"\n\n\"It's a date,\" he said. \"But sans costume.\"\n\n\"Right. Though you may be sorry about that. I do make a fetching tooth fairy.\"\n\nHe pictured her face, loving her teasing tone. She'd make a fetching anything. \"I just bet you do, Miss Dresser. Seven on Halloween. We'll make your favorite day one to remember.\"\nChapter Twenty-One\n\nThe next morning Toni looked up from stuffing the green stem on a pumpkin hat to watch late October clouds scudding across the deep blue sky above the now bare maple beside Wannabe's small parking lot. She thought for a moment, then picked up the phone and punched in a preset number.\n\n\"Lincoln Spencer here.\"\n\n\"Have you learned anything, Link?\" Toni pictured him leaning comfortably back in his office chair and heard the chuckle in his voice when he answered, \"And good morning to you, too, Toni.\"\n\n\"Oops. Sorry. Guess I wasn't very polite, was I? Good morning, Link.\"\n\n\"That's better. And how are you this fine day?\"\n\nToni had to smile. \"Okay, okay. Actually,\" she looked out the shop window again and finished, \"it really is fine, isn't it? But let's not talk about the weather. I don't want to take up your valuable time, Attorney Spencer, but\u2014\"\n\n\"But cut to the chase, is that it?\" Now he sounded all business, though there was still amusement in his voice.\n\n\"Well...yes. If you would, please.\"\n\n\"Right.\" Toni heard papers shuffling for a moment, then, \"I don't have a lot. Finding information on Royal Stewart's business dealings as a consultant, where and what companies he's worked with, was easy. That's all good. Nothing but praise from every source, and there are quite a few of those. He's been open on his resume about working his way through school doing construction work in various places from Texas and Colorado to Virginia, with excellent reports from every area. But before that, nothing. It appears that Royal Stewart surfaced from nowhere as a teenager and built a successful life for himself.\"\n\n\"As you said earlier, he's Mr. Mysterious.\" Toni knew her disappointment came through her words. \"That's it?\"\n\n\"Not quite.\" More paper shuffling. \"I thought about what you told me of the stranger in the parking lot at the Fall Ball, and that he'd called Royal 'Stone' instead of 'Stewart.' Since Royal's traceable life began as a teenager, I wonder whether he may have been in the system. And since that guy seemed to know him from before, perhaps they were in a foster home together. If either or both of them had a juvenile record, of course it would be sealed.\"\n\n\"Oh.\" Toni digested that. \"That would make sense, wouldn't it? So when Royal was old enough, he might have run away, changed his name and built a life thinking he had no relatives.\"\n\n\"That's possible. Finally his great-aunt Grace somehow\u2014I haven't discovered just how\u2014tracked him down, and Royal Stewart came to Green Bay to meet her. You know the rest.\"\n\nToni frowned. \"But what came before the foster care? What about his parents? How or why he was put into the system? That's what he's hiding.\"\n\n\"Hiding may be too strong a word. Maybe he's just holding back. For whatever reason. It's his life, Toni. He has a right to choose whether to share it.\" Link paused. \"Unfortunately, Stone isn't all that unusual a surname. I tried to make a connection to his father, but without a first name that was too daunting.\"\n\nShe sighed. \"Okay. Well, send me a bill, Link. I know this took you away from your work.\"\n\n\"Wait a minute. That's not all there is to think about. There were gaps of time my investigator couldn't fill between and even during Stewart's consulting jobs. Sometimes as long as a month where his name didn't show up anywhere. No hotel or airfare reservations, nothing on a passport under either Stone or Stewart.\"\n\n\"Really?\"\n\n\"Of course he could have gone to ground somewhere we don't know about, or been traveling around in his Porsche, sightseeing\u2014who knows? But it's something to consider.\"\n\nAnd to wonder about. Toni thanked Link and broke the connection, feeling uneasy about checking on Royal behind his back. What would be his reaction if he knew? Certainly not good.\n\nBut I'm so tired of not knowing where I stand. Girlfriend? Not quite. Friend who is a girl? Probably yes. Acquaintance with benefits? She felt her face flush; she certainly had known those benefits. Easy mark? She didn't believe that. She'd felt the warmth of his arms, the depth of caring when he'd been so tender. She'd waked up looking into those incredible blue eyes and seen what she wanted to see every morning for the rest of her life. But making that happen had to be more than a one-way street.\n\nAs she hung up the phone Jack's Chevy barreled into the parking lot and bucked to a stop beside Wannabe. Good to know that someone's love life seems to be on track. She rose and smiled to greet him but her expression changed to alarm when he pushed open the door and she saw his face.\n\n\"Jack, you look terrible! Are you sick?\" Toni hurried from behind the shop counter and rushed to her brother, reaching out to feel his forehead.\n\nHe pushed her hand away and when he spoke his voice was so full of pain it brought tears to her eyes. \"Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am.\"\n\n\"Sit down.\" She pushed him toward the stool by the counter. \"Has someone been hurt?\" Her breath caught. \"Mom? Or Dad?\"\n\n\"No, not that. Sorry I scared you.\"\n\n\"Okay.\" She could breathe again. \"You just sit. I'll get coffee.\"\n\n\"If you don't have anything stronger.\" His voice was full of misery. \"Thanks.\"\n\nShe brought two mugs, sank onto the stool opposite him and waited, knowing he would talk when he was ready. She bit her lip, studying his face. Jack's usually well-combed hair was disheveled, his collar crooked, his eyes dull.\n\nHe stared into his cup for a long moment before shaking his head and finally swallowing some coffee. Then he finally met her eyes. \"I've been duped. Again. It was too good. I should have known.\"\n\n\"What? Come on, give. You're worrying me. I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't like seeing you like this.\"\n\n\"Think Kate Bishop.\"\n\nToni heard bitterness behind his voice. \"Kate? But I thought things were going so well\u2014\"\n\nHe cut her off. \"I thought so to, Toni, but she's a liar. Plain and simple. Been handing me a line about herself all this time. After Claudia, wouldn't you think I'd spot another one?\" He hugged the coffee mug with both hands.\n\n\"Oh, Jack. Tell me what happened.\"\n\nHe stared out the window. \"She's not who, or what, she led me to believe.\"\n\nLot of that going around. Toni leaned forward, reached out to touch Jack's hand. \"Explain. Make sense of it for me. Maybe it'll help.\"\n\n\"Silly me.\" He shook his head. \"I can't believe I even asked her to come to Arizona. Meet the folks.\"\n\n\"I know. Is that what this is about? She didn't want to come?\"\n\n\"No.\" He shook his head. \"She wanted to. At least said she wanted to. But she couldn't. Not until she 'fessed up, she said, about who she is. For all I know Kate Bishop isn't even her real name. She's not an accountant, or a financial advisor. Her office in the bank is bogus. She's something else, Toni. She's some kind of investigator.\"\n\n\"Like an auditor for the IRS?\"\n\n\"That she couldn't tell me, she said. So much for trust, huh? And get this\u2014not that this matters so much\u2014it's got something to do with Royal Stewart.\"\n\n\"Wow.\" Toni sat back, frowning, remembering Kate's probing questions about Royal, and how many she'd asked him during their dinner at Eve's. It seemed a bit much at the time, but Toni had put it down to simple curiosity. \"How do you know this, Jack?\"\n\nJack took a deep breath. \"She told me. So she wouldn't hurt me later, she said. And she's not alone in this world, either, like she let me assume. She has a mother in Alzheimer's care back in Pennsylvania. Everything she let me believe, except that she works for a company out of Washington, is nothing but a sham.\"\n\nToni leaned her elbows on her side of the counter and dropped her chin into her hands. \"Are you jumping to conclusions? There must be more to this. Could you be wrong?\"\n\n\"Don't I wish. But I'm not.\" Jack pushed off the stool.\n\n\"Did you let her explain?\"\n\n\"She tried. I'd heard enough.\"\n\n\"But\u2014\"\n\n\"Oh, there was more, I'm sure. But I didn't wait to hear it.\"\n\nJack ran his hand through his hair and tried for a lop-sided grin that didn't come off. \"Well, that's my news tidbit for today. Intrepid Jack Dresser leaps astride romance after swearing never to get back on that horse, and guess what? Gets thrown. Again.\" He got up, swung around and started for the door. \"Thanks for listening. I'd say 'stay tuned' but I think the program is over.\"\n\n\"Don't leave, Jack.\" Toni caught his sleeve, feeling his tense nerves even through the heavy weave of his sport coat. \"You're distraught. You shouldn't be driving.\"\n\nThis time his grin was real. \"Never fear, Sis. Driving I can do. It's dreaming that's dangerous. That's a killer.\"\n\nStunned, Toni cringed at the jangling door chimes as Jack slammed out. She hurried to the window to see gravel fly as his Chevy spun onto Main street, narrowly missing an oncoming delivery truck. \"Oh, Jack,\" she breathed, feeling that old familiar twin pang come into play once again: if Jack was hurt, she was hurt. She felt his pain as clearly as if she were the one blindsided. She remembered Kate at dinner, smiling and bantering with Jack. Remembered his expression, so open, so vulnerable when he spoke her name.\n\nBack at the counter Toni picked up the pumpkin hat, put it down again, walked to the window and stood there, rubbing her arms as though that could help her know what to do. The weather had changed and roiling grey clouds covered the whole sky now. \"Oh, Jack,\" she said again. \"This is so wrong!\"\n\nWhat could\u2014should\u2014she do? Try to fix it? Call Kate? Hear her side? Or\u2014this thought brought a wry smile to Toni's face\u2014just stomp on over to the woman's office and punch her in the face?\n\n\"Help me out here, Midnight,\" she said to the cat twining around her ankles. \"What's a sister supposed to do?\n\n****\n\nFrowning, Royal sat back from his computer. He'd discovered over four hundred Roger Stones in the United States and who knew how many more might be found in different countries. Estimating his father's current age eliminated more than half of those still listed. But, Royal realized, very possibly the name Roger Stone was an alias anyway, given the petty crook and con man that he had been twenty-eight years ago when Royal was seven.\n\nHe closed his eyes, remembering good family times, laughing and singing silly songs in the car on the road to the next town. Whoever Roger Stone was, he made my mother happy. Where did they meet? Where was she living at the time? There must have been a rift, an estrangement, all ties cut. But somehow after all these years Grace Temple's attorney had tracked Royal down. Suddenly Royal remembered her coming up to him at the funeral. She'd said she and Grace were close friends, that she had something for him and hoped he'd come to see her soon. With everything else going on that had slipped his mind.\n\nMaybe that \"something\" has some answers for me. Royal closed down his laptop, pulled on his leather jacket and strode to the door. Black Suit wouldn't like it, but The Group's problems could simmer on the back burner for right now. Bryce Andrews wasn't going anywhere, and Royal needed some answers.\n\nA cold north wind buffeted his Porsche and reminded Royal that it wasn't the car to drive in a Wisconsin winter; he'd need to get a four-wheel drive to handle the coming weather. He pulled into a visitor parking space at the downtown Riverwalk complex and hunched his shoulders as he shivered his way across the parking lot to the building.\n\nLarge windows in Miranda George's modern third-floor suite looked out on the dark, wind-tossed river and showcased ominous clouds, but the hazelnut coffee offered to Royal was soothing and warmed him from the inside out. He stood near the glass, absently watching gulls fight against the wind and swoop for floating tidbits, wondering what light, if any, this meeting might shed on the secrets of his life.\n\n\"Mr. Stewart? Please come in.\" Miranda George beckoned him into her office. Her voice was crisp and well modulated. Tall, with a cap of greying hair, she was stylish but businesslike in a severe dark suit softened by a pastel lavender blouse. \"I'm so sorry about Grace's death.\"\n\nRoyal nodded. \"Thank you. I should have come before this.\"\n\n\"I'd hoped you would, but I'm sure you've been quite busy. Please sit.\" She indicated a comfortable chair and positioned herself behind her desk.\n\nRoyal tried to hold back, but his questions boiled up, spewed out like steam from an overheated teakettle. \"There's so much I need to know. How did Grace Temple know about me? What can you tell me about my mother? The family I didn't know I had? How was I simply forgotten, thrown into foster care? How did you find me now? Why didn't Grace look for me long ago? Why\u2014\"\n\n\"Please.\" Smiling, the attorney held up both hands, palms out. \"One question at a time. I'll answer anything I can. \"\n\n\"Sorry.\" Royal sat back and took a deep breath, recognizing compassion in the lawyer's face. \"I'm floundering here, as you can see. Caught between wanting information and half afraid of what I'll learn.\"\n\n\"I do understand. Grace was my dear friend as well as my client. It may help you to know that the great sorrows of her life were your mother's estrangement from the family and the loss of you.\" At the surprise on his face, she continued, \"Oh, yes, Angela sent news of your birth. From Montgomery, Alabama. No address, no letter, just the announcement with a note that said, 'His name is Royal. My little king.' Grace commented that your mother had always had a poetic streak.\"\n\nThe attorney opened a desk drawer and brought out a thick envelope. \"Grace was a discerning woman who left nothing to chance. She gave this to me when she first asked me to look for you. Though she was in good health, she felt the future at her age was uncertain. There were things she wanted you to know in case she never had the chance to tell you herself. Hence, this.\" Ms. George handed him the envelope. \"I'm sure you'll want to read it in private.\"\n\nThe attorney got up, walked to the window, walked back. \"Grace was said to be psychic. As things turned out, perhaps she was. Who could have predicted her fall down stairs she'd used daily for so many years? And just when you and she were finally to be together.\" Miranda's face softened. \"I'm proud to have known Grace. She was kind and stalwart. Now you'll know her through her own words. We talked about you many times, wondered where you might be, whether you were all right? What were you doing, were you successful? How might we uncover the path you took when you ran from foster care?\"\n\nRoyal frowned. So much to take in. \"She knew I was in foster care? Why didn't she come for me then?\"\n\n\"Oh, don't misunderstand. She didn't know that until much later when you had already taken off on your own. I'm sure it will all be explained in the letter. But I can tell you that the only other communication Grace ever got from your mother was a picture of her and the man we thought was your father, though we never were able to find out if they married. The letter was somehow mislaid in the mail and didn't reach Grace until after your parents were already dead. The postmark led to the Mississippi town where the accident happened, but years had passed and the trail was cold. We didn't know your father's name, you see. And by the time we learned where you'd been sent to foster care, we hit a dead end. Because you'd run away.\"\n\n\"And changed my name. But you did find me. How?\"\n\n\"Some luck. So much of life depends on luck, don't you agree? A friend of a friend with nimble fingers and the ability to work computer magic.\" Ms. George paused and scrutinized Royal's face before going on. \"Are you all right? Do you need water or anything?\"\n\nRoyal shook his head. \"No, nothing. Tell me more.\"\n\n\"Thank God you didn't change your first name, too. There aren't that many men your age named Royal. The others\u2014and there were a few\u2014all had family histories we could trace. You didn't.\"\n\nRoyal turned the thick envelope to see his name carefully written in spidery but elegant cursive script. He didn't know what he should feel but his stomach churned, his mind swirled. It was an effort not to rip the envelope open here, now, devour her words that must hold the answers he sought. Were they actually here in his hand? He raised his head, asked, \"You've read this?\"\n\nShe shook her head. \"It wasn't mine to read. I do hope it will bring you the heritage you've never known.\"\n\nMind reeling, Royal stood, remembered his manners and held out his hand. \"Thank you. Grace Temple was fortunate to have you as a friend.\"\n\n\"And I her,\" answered Miranda George, walking him to the door. \"I miss having her in my life.\"\n\nRoyal nodded. \"Me, too.\"\n\nHis thoughts a jumble and feeling as though he moved through thick fog, Royal made himself drive carefully from downtown to Temple House. He stowed the Porsche in the garage and walked through the kitchen into the well-stocked bar in the library\u2014thank God Grace had her comforts\u2014and poured himself a generous amount of expensive brandy before sinking into a recliner near the fireplace. He turned the unopened envelope over and over in his hands, asking himself, what am I going to find? What do I want to find? The answers to the \"whys\" that plague my life? Will I learn who I am, really? And what then?\n\nHe didn't sip. He took a healthy swig of the liquor that burned all the way down. He leaned back and closed his eyes. What am I afraid of? He wished Toni were here with him and almost reached for his phone, but shook his head. No. This was his, Royal Stone's\u2014correction, Stewart's\u2014life here in this envelope.\n\nBut maybe his great aunt had it all wrong. Maybe she didn't know anything real, just wrote what she surmised, just\u2014 What? Hoped? Wanted him to be her sister's grandchild, someone to leave her legacy, her only connection to the future? He sat, holding the envelope. Just holding the envelope.\nChapter Twenty-Two\n\nHis second phone rang. The Group.\n\n\"Stewart.\" Black Suit's voice was crisp. \"What have you got so far?\"\n\nI'm not sure. Royal's mind was still on the packet in his hands. Maybe my life, the one I've always wondered about. Do I give a damn about The Group and Bryce Andrew's transgressions? Not right now, I don't. But he reined in his thoughts, went to the desk and booted up his computer. He answered, \"Nothing concrete yet. I've been monitoring known deposits and withdrawals. Nothing's surfaced in the regular channels.\"\n\n\"Because they're using new ones. We've been alerted that a shipment came through Paris yesterday and disappeared, morphed into euros somewhere between there and Sierra Leone and is being filtered as we speak into various banks overseas.\"\n\n\"Hold on.\" Royal pulled up a database he'd compiled from former assignments and tapped a few keys. \"I believe I know which ones they'll use.\"\n\n\"You do?\" Surprise was evident in Black Suit's voice.\n\n\"I do. Give me a couple of days to make sure this funnels down the way I think it will. I don't yet have the proof we need.\"\n\n\"You mean to nail Andrews.\"\n\n\"Yes. But he's not alone in this. That would be far too easy.\" Royal thought for a moment. \"He's cleverly muddied his tracks, but he's left a couple of threads for me to pull.\" Would one of those threads lead to Sam Neeley? Or to the mysterious Monica Asher? \"There's someone I need to see. I'll get back to you.\"\n\n\"Soonest.\" The connection was broken.\n\nWith reluctance, Royal put Grace Temple's letter on the desk. Later. When I can give it my full attention. And, maybe, share it with Toni.\n\n****\n\nToni sighed, sat back from her drawing board and twiddled her pencil back and forth between her fingers. Try as hard as she could, she wasn't able to keep her mind on the details of a pattern for a court jester. It shouldn't be that difficult to put on paper. She'd already made the costume for Southwest's high school play without having a formal pattern to work from, but she'd had to rip and re-sew a couple of times. This was the last drawing needed before she could query a publisher about the project. None of her patterns were one-size-fits-all so she'd added specific dimension changes for each design from size 6 to\u2014she smiled at the idea\u2014a hefty 42. She pictured a big, bouncy jester spicing up a play. She penciled in an intricacy of buttons down the back and included the three triangles for the matching hat with the required gold bells on each tip.\n\nHer fingers were busy with the drawing but her thoughts were on Jack. She'd tried to call him, got only his answering machine. Called his office; he hadn't been in for two days. Driven past his apartment complex but his car wasn't there. Where would he have gone? It was like him to bounce his problems off his sister\u2014which he'd already done\u2014but what happened since? The debilitating depression he fell into after his breakup with Claudia had been terrifying. Toni hoped to heaven this wouldn't throw him into another.\n\n\"Dammit, Midnight.\" She reached down to pull the cat into her lap. \"Where the hell is he?\"\nChapter Twenty-Three\n\nRoyal slid into the chair beside Phil Carson's desk and waited for the detective to look up from the stack of files in front of him. Royal hoped for the best, that he might welcome an interruption.\n\nCarson acknowledged Royal with a curt nod. \"Mr. Stewart. To what do I owe the pleasure?\"\n\n\"I want to thank you for giving me the file on Grace Temple's fall.\"\n\nThe detective relaxed as if he'd been expecting a confrontation. \"No problem. It's public record. I hope it was helpful.\"\n\n\"It was, as far as the police work part of it. That's solid, as you know. I still have questions about whether her fall was accidental, but there was no evidence to point in that direction.\"\n\n\"As I told you.\" Carson rubbed the stubble on his chin and nodded. \"But there's always conjecture about deaths like hers.\"\n\n\"I'm sure.\" Stewart leaned forward. \"Detective, has a grifter named Sam Neeley come to your attention here?\"\n\nCarson frowned. \"Doesn't ring a bell. In connection with what?\"\n\n\"Probably petty crime.\"\n\nCarson narrowed his eyes. \"Why? Who is he? What do you know about him?\"\n\n\"For one thing, he's done time in an Ohio prison for robbery. I think he followed me to Green Bay. He tailed Toni and me to Door County, tried to break into my car and made some nebulous threats, crazy talk. Since then he's disappeared, but that would be too good to be true. I'm pretty sure he's here somewhere, planning something, and I'm afraid it will involve Toni.\"\n\nCarson sat up. \"Toni! Why do you think that?\"\n\n\"Mainly his smart-mouthed, cocky attitude. And the way he looked at her.\"\n\n\"Can't hang a man for looking at someone as attractive as Toni.\" Carson leaned back to narrow his eyes at Royal. \"Is this just a word to the should-be wise? One of those worst-case scenarios? Something 'might' happen?\"\n\nRoyal shrugged and got up. \"You could say that. I can't tell you more right now.\"\n\n\"Or you'd have to kill me. Isn't that the way the line goes?\" Carson forced a lop-sided grin and picked up the top file from the pile. \"Thanks for the warning, but I don't put much weight on 'something bad's maybe gonna happen' theories, Stewart.\"\n\n\"Me, either, but he's trouble, Detective, make no bones about it.\"\n\nCarson watched Royal leave, jotted \"Sam Neeley\" down on his desk blotter and booted up his computer.\n\n****\n\nGlad to be at home after a long day working on Halloween costumes, Toni wandered through her living room, pulling the drapes against the early, windy dark, worrying about Jack. He's a big boy, she kept telling herself. He wouldn't do something dumb. But where has he gone? It's been three days. Why hasn't he phoned, or stopped by the shop? All her calls had gone directly to his voicemail, which he hadn't picked up.\n\nWhen her doorbell rang she nearly tripped over the coffee table in her hurry to get to the front entry. It had to be Jack, and they could talk and\u2014what then, she didn't know. Maybe she could help him work things out. But at least she'd know where he was, and what shape he was in. She flung open the door and stepped back in surprise to see the wind-buffeted figure that was illuminated by the overhead light. \"Kate!\"\n\n\"I'm so sorry for just dropping in, but Toni, please don't mind.\" The chill October weather tossed Kate's short hair and swirled the damp smells of fall into the house. \"I need to speak with you.\"\n\n\"Of course. Come in.\" If I can't talk with Jack, at least I can hear the other side of what went on between those two. She took Kate's arm. \"I was just going to light a fire. We need one on a night like this. Let me take your coat and get you something warming to drink.\"\n\n\"Thanks so much. I don't want to intrude on your evening, but\u2014\" she stopped.\n\n\"Nonsense.\" Toni hung Kate's coat in the closet, ushered her to the sofa and stood back. \"You look as miserable as Jack did the last time I saw him.\"\n\n\"You saw him?\" Kate's face brightened. \"Was he all right? When?\"\n\n\"Just after he left you, I would guess. He was, as our grandmother used to say, 'fit to be tied.'\"\n\n\"I'm so sorry.\" Kate closed her eyes and shook her head. \"I've hurt him deeply when all I really wanted was to be honest because our relationship was so important to me. He wouldn't hear me out, just took off as though\u2014\" Her voice caught and she threw up her hands. \"Oh, I don't know how to explain it, as though I'd shot him through with an arrow.\"\n\nToni knelt to touch a lighter to the already-laid fire and watched twigs catch before getting up. \"There's a history that you don't know, Kate. At least I'd be surprised to hear that Jack told you anything about Claudia?\" At Kate's head shake, Toni said, \"I didn't think so. Wait. I'm going to get us a couple of glasses of good wine. Settle back and relax. I'll only be a minute.\"\n\n\"You don't need to\u2014\" Kate began, but Toni cut her off.\n\n\"Oh, yes, I do. And you do, too. Stay right there.\" Toni was back in a few moments with deep red wine, handed one goblet to Kate and sat in the wing chair across from her. \"Now, let's talk. You see...\"\n\nTwo more refills of wine later, Toni understood what had happened between her brother and Kate, and Kate understood why her revelations had so devastated Jack.\n\n\"It's all mixed up. I'd already decided to quit my job and stay here if Jack wanted me to,\" Kate admitted. \"And that's what I most wanted him to know. But my work is sensitive and there's a situation here in Green Bay that must be resolved before someone gets really hurt and I can't tell anyone, not yet. I wasn't lying to Jack, Toni,\" Kate said, her eyes pleading understanding. \"Not about us. I love him. More than I ever thought I could love anybody. I've never had a problem like this before. I always just moved in, did what needed to be done and moved on out. Because no man ever meant anything to me, but Jack\u2014\" she closed her eyes and shook her head again, \"Jack's special.\"\n\n\"No argument there,\" agreed Toni. \"He told me right after he met you that he thought you were,\" Toni made parentheses with her fingers, \"The One, capital T, capital O.\"\n\n\"He did?\" Kate smiled for the first time since she'd come in. \"How funny. I thought the same thing about him.\"\n\n\"So.\" Toni rubbed her face with both hands. \"Now we just have to find Jack. I've been thinking, and I believe I have an idea where he may have gone.\" She got up. \"Go home and get some sleep, Kate. Dress warm in jeans and tennies. I'll pick you up at eight sharp and we'll see if we can fix this mess.\"\n\n\"Really? Do you think we can?\" The hope in Kate's eyes almost lit up the room.\n\n\"Go.\" Toni said, pulling Kate to her feet. \"I'll see you in the morning.\"\nChapter Twenty-Four\n\n\"Where are we going?\" Kate asked as she slipped into the passenger seat of Toni's van and buckled her seat belt. \"Do you really know where Jack might be?\"\n\n\"I just have a pretty good hunch,\" said Toni, heading for the east side of town. \"But I think it's a good guess. There was an old shack in the woods we sometimes biked to when we were kids. I haven't been there for years so don't get your hopes up. It may not even still be there, but it was where we used to run to when things weren't going right for either one of us.\"\n\nKate raised her eyebrows. \"Like a hideout? A secret place? That sounds wonderful!\"\n\nToni laughed. \"Well, we thought it was wonderful. Secret, all overgrown with vines\u2014you could hardly see the building, such as it was\u2014ramshackle and musty. We called it our Safe Haven. We never told any of our friends about it.\" She smiled, remembering. \"We hauled stuff out there little by little: an old comforter, outgrown toys, some dishes Mom never missed. Those were the days when kids could spend all day playing and only come home in time for supper. Like I said, I just have a hunch but I'm hoping.\" She chewed on her lip. \"If Jack's not there, I have no idea where he may have gone.\"\n\nKate was silent for a moment. \"I'm praying he's there and that he'll talk to me. Or at least let me talk to him, explain. He was so distressed, and then so furious with me. What if he\u2014\" Her voice broke. \"What if he really hates me?\"\n\n\"Isn't that a pretty strong word?\"\n\n\"Yes. But you didn't see him, Toni. It was ugly.\"\n\n\"I've seen Jack ugly. He gets over it.\" Toni pulled off the main highway, then onto a side road that wound into a small patch of thick deciduous woods and disappeared. \"Oh, good. I was afraid some developer might have taken over this whole area. It's prime land so it probably won't be long before someone does.\" She stopped the car. \"The shack's a ways back in the trees. This road in isn't much and I'm not good at backing out, so let's walk.\"\n\n\"Would Jack have driven?\" Kate frowned, peering ahead. \"I don't see a car.\"\n\n\"You wouldn't see it from here. Come on.\" Toni reached into the back seat and pulled out a basket holding a thermos, some cups and fragrant muffins. \"Hot, strong coffee. If I know Jack, I have a feeling that he's going to be nursing one wicked hangover.\"\n\nKate sighed and reached out to touch Toni's arm. \"Thank you. For whatever happens.\"\n\n\"You're welcome.\" Toni smiled and started to lead the way into the woods. \"What are friends for?\"\n\nThe late October sun was brilliant but the fall wind soughed through empty branches overhead as Toni and Kate scuffled through crisp leaves covering an almost indistinguishable road into the underbrush. Ahead, squirrels skittered across the ground and up the tree trunks, chattering.\n\n\"I've never been in woods like this. It's almost creepy,\" said Kate, eyeing the animals. \"It sounds like they're going to attack us.\"\n\nToni laughed. \"Spoken like a big city girl. They're just letting us know we're invading their territory,\"\n\n\"Really? Okay, then.\" Kate peered into the trees. \"Is it much farther?\"\n\n\"Just a bit.\" Toni switched the basket from one hand to the other and gave a relieved sigh, pointing to the back of Jack's car at the edge of the shack. \"Look!\"\n\n\"Thank God,\" breathed Kate, but she stopped walking and covered her face with her hands. Then she turned to Toni, eyes wide. \"What if he won't even talk to me? Won't hear me out?\"\n\n\"He'll talk to me,\" said Toni, striding ahead. \"Right about now I think Jack will do anything for a cup of hot strong coffee.\"\n\nKate followed Toni as she pushed open the creaky lichen-covered door and called, \"Good morning, sunshine! Is it gonna rain, dear?\"\n\nA groan emanated from under the dusty comforter on the old couch where only the top of dark mussed hair was visible. \"Go away.\"\n\n\"Not a chance.\" Toni set the basket on the rickety crate that served as a snack table, poured a cup of coffee and wafted it near Jack's head.\n\nHe moved slightly, groaned. \"Are you an angel? Do I smell coffee?\"\n\n\"Not that you deserve it. How long have you been here? I've been looking all over for you.\" Toni knocked over an empty whisky bottle with the toe of her sneaker. \"Jeez, Jack, did you drink all that Scotch?\"\n\n\"Needed it. Didn't help.\" Jack emerged from under the blanket, bleary eyed, hair in clumps, face sleep-wrinkled. He reached for the mug and cradled it as though it were precious. \"Thanks. So much.\" Then he looked behind Toni to see Kate. His face darkened. \"What's she doing here! We never bring anybody here.\"\n\nToni pushed Jack's feet aside, sat down and poured coffee for herself and Kate. \"She needs to be here. She needs to talk, and you need to listen.\"\n\nJack kept his gaze on his coffee. \"She did talk, and I heard more than I wanted to hear. She's a liar. Just like Claudia.\"\n\nKate put her cup down, stepped closer and knelt in front of him, pleading. \"But you didn't listen. Please, Jack, let me explain.\"\n\nJack turned his head away. \"I don't even want to look at you.\"\n\nToni set her cup near the thermos and got up. \"Well, you'd better listen, and you'd better look, because I've done my part. I'm going home and leaving you two to work this out.\" She touched Kate lightly on the shoulder and gave her a brief smile. \"Good luck.\"\n\n\"What?\" Kate squeaked. \"Don't leave! I can't find my way out of here!\"\n\n\"Jack can. He'll have to leave you or bring you, or both of you can stay. Up to you. Enjoy the coffee.\" Without another word she went out, pulling the creaky door closed behind her.\n\nBack at Wannabe, Toni spent the rest of the morning like a robot, putting finishing touches on some late-order costumes, finalizing some drawings for her pattern book, walking to the window to aimlessly watch traffic going by on Main street, then drifting back to the counter. Even the soothing easy-listening music playing through the shop didn't help. What had happened at the shack after she left? Had she done the right thing by walking out? Would Jack ever forgive her for taking Kate to their special, private place? Would they work things out or was their relationship irretrievably broken? And if it was, would Jack recover?\n\nThe hours dragged with no answers. Toni made coffee but it tasted bitter and she tossed it out, made another pot. Lunchtime came and went but she couldn't stomach her sandwich and set it aside. Surely Jack would call, or better yet, come. If for nothing else, to berate her for sticking her nose in where it didn't belong. Even that would be an improvement over this limbo, wondering whether he was ever going to speak to her again. And what about Kate? In their late-night heart-to-heart Toni had come to know and like Kate and felt even more sure that Kate and Jack were meant to be together.\n\nAfternoon light was waning and just as Toni was about to pick up the phone to call Drea for moral support, Jack breezed into Wannabe carrying a wreath of bittersweet berries and wearing a smile that lit up the room. \"Hey, sis, got a minute?\"\n\nThe relief she felt weakened Toni's knees and she sank onto the counter stool. \"Have I got a minute?\" She didn't know whether hug him or hit him. \"Are you crazy? Don't you know I've been going berserk here wondering what happened and whether you'd ever speak to me again?\"\n\n\"And here I am. I probably don't look it but I'm right as rain, as Gramps used to say when things were just fine, which they are. This is for you.\" He laid the colorful wreath on the countertop.\n\n\"It's beautiful.\" Toni touched the brilliant orange vine. \"You remembered how much I love bittersweet. Thanks so much. Now give!\"\n\n\"Ahhh, my precioussss,\" Jack said in a perfect imitation of Gollum from Lord of the Rings. \"Life is sssssssoooo good!\" He dropped onto the stool across the counter, grinning like a fool.\n\nToni laughed with pure joy and leaned over the counter to punch his arm. \"Help yourself to coffee. Then talk.\" She got up, hung the wreath on the inside of the door and stood back. \"Perfect. It brightens the whole shop. Wherever did you find it?\"\n\nJack poured himself a cup with a flourish and topped off hers. \"It was growing right by the window of the shack, and we found some on the hill, too. I told Kate how much you loved it and she said, 'Well, take her some.' So here it is.\"\n\n\"Aha. Walking in the woods with Kate on a lovely October day.\" Toni nodded, her eyes twinkling. \"How romantic. Jack, if you don't stop smiling you're going to crack your face.\"\n\nHe pretended to wipe the smile away and reached across the counter to take her hand. \"Seriously, Toni, thanks. Bringing Kate was exactly what I needed. My stupid pride would have kept me from hanging onto the best thing that's ever happened to me. Things are going to be all right, and that wouldn't have happened without you.\"\n\n\"You don't know how I've agonized about leaving her there with you and the mood you were in.\"\n\n\"Part of that was guilt, and part pure hangover. How I got through those woods without hitting a tree is beyond me.\"\n\n\"You've come to grips about her job?\"\n\nHe rubbed his jaw. \"That's a little sticky right now, but we're going to work that out.\" His grin was back. \"There are some things she can't tell me, yet. But she will, when this job is finished. She's going to quit, Toni. Stay here with me. Make our future together. Gimme a high five!\"\n\nToni slapped her palm against his. \"Guess I'd better call Mom and tell her things are looking up.\"\n\n\"Yeah, tell her she'll have an extra guest for Thanksgiving. You and Royal, too?\" He looked at his watch. \"Gotta go. I really need a shower.\" At the door he stopped. \"I know we always do something fun on Halloween, but\u2014\"\n\nShe waved him away. \"It's okay, go be with Kate. You're off the hook. Royal has asked me out to dinner.\"\n\n\"Oh, good. Maybe you'll work things out, too?\"\n\n\"Maybe.\" Toni sighed. \"One can always hope. Scoot. I've got to finish up here so I can get beautiful.\"\n\n\"You're already beautiful, sis. Love ya.\"\n\n\"Same goes.\" Toni said. \"Happy Halloween.\"\nChapter Twenty-Five\n\nWith a smile, Toni watched Jack's jaunty step as he went to his car. Halloween. Her favorite day had finally turned out all right. Jack and Kate were fine, or were going to be. Royal was back in town and would pick her up for their first dinner date since their weekend in Door County. Maybe she'd even find out where he'd been, if he didn't give her that \"not for publication\" message again.\n\nShe'd sent her last costume out the door about noon and had spent the afternoon cleaning up the remnants of Halloween scraps in her workshop. It was going to be a marvelous night for trick or treating, just a sliver of moon, blustery and shadowy, perfect for nefarious deeds. Things weren't quite the same for kids these days since they were supposed to be off the streets by seven, but it would be dark before six, so at least they'd have some scary boo-time to run through the neighborhoods.\n\nThe clown's hands on the wall clock said it was nearly time to slip into her slim black sheath for their date. She straightened her back and sighed with relief when she tied up the last garbage bag to take it out back to the alley dumpster. She was bone tired and couldn't wait to sit down, sip on a gimlet and enjoy Royal's company.\n\nThe wind whirled fallen leaves across the path and tousled her long hair around her face, reminding that she'd need a quick repair job before seeing Royal. She trudged over the browning grass and reached to toss the overfilled garbage bag up into the dumpster when a stick snapped underfoot behind her. Before she could turn to see who was there a hand clapped over her mouth and an arm snaked around her waist and pulled her to a wiry body. \"No noise, see? Got it?\"\n\nHer overfilled bag fell to the ground and split open. Brilliant scraps tumbled out to be tossed helter-skelter by the wind.\n\nHas to be Jack, always the Halloween trickster. She tried to wiggle loose to yell, \"Jack, cut it out!\" But the man didn't smell like Jack. He wasn't as large. And his hand tasted greasy. She couldn't breathe. She struggled to turn away, but he held her fast. Her heart thumped in her ears.\n\n\"Gonna be quiet?\" The guttural voice was accompanied by a tightening of the arm around her waist.\n\nShe knew that voice. She'd heard it in the parking lot at the Fall Ball, and now it sent shivers down her spine. She tried to turn, to loosen the man's grip, with no success. He was waiting for an answer. She nodded.\n\nHe took his hand from her mouth. \"Okay, then. Tell me where Stone is.\"\n\n\"What kind of stupid game are you playing?\" She managed to twist around to look into his face. What she saw there wasn't encouraging. \"Who are you looking for?\"\n\n\"What d'you mean, who? Royal Stone, bitch. Who else?\"\n\nNobody called her a bitch and got away with it. She stamped hard on his foot, wishing she had on stiletto heels instead of her sensible tennies. And why did he call Royal Stone instead of Stewart?\n\nThe man grunted but held her tighter. \"Quit fussin'! You're comin' with me.\"\n\nToni snorted. \"In your dreams. Why would I do that?\"\n\nWith a swift move he pulled a pair of handcuffs from his pocket and clasped her hands together behind her back before she could react. \"Because if I've got you, Stone'll come to find me. And then we can do a swap. You for the diamonds he got from his last trip overseas. Easy peazy. Got it?\"\n\nJust then a troop of little Halloween revelers swarmed down the unlit alley toward them, yelling, \"Trick or treat! Trick or treat!\" They danced around Toni and the man, holding their bags open for candy.\n\nToni's heart stopped. Would he hurt the children? She shut her eyes. Maybe they would see that he was holding her against her will. Maybe they'd tell someone...\n\n\"Beat it, kids,\" growled her captor. \"Got nothin' here but trouble to give ya. And you,\" he twisted the skin on Toni's forearm, \"you don't say a damn word!\"\n\nOne brave little pirate slashed the air with his rubber sword. \"Pirates ain't afraid of trouble,\" he said with bravado, but even in the dim light Toni could see his chin was quivering. \"C'mon, mateys.\" He turned with a swish of his cape and ran, not looking back. Suddenly the alley was quiet, except for some late crickets chirping and the wind soughing through bare branches.\n\n\"Proud of yourself?\" taunted Toni. \"Scaring little kids?\"\n\n\"Aw, shut up. They don't have nothin' to do with this.\" The man still had her in a vice-tight grip.\n\n\"For crying out loud, let me go! I haven't the faintest idea where Royal is. I have to lock the shop, and set the alarm. Tonight of all nights, the cops are watching. This isn't the best part of town, you know.\" Even in the half-light she could see malice in the man's face. If she could just get to the phone...\n\n\"You're doin' no such. And you talk too much.\" He duck-walked her to the rusted pickup she hadn't noticed parked in the murky alley, slapped a swatch of duct tape over her mouth, pulled a filthy bag over her head and shoved her inside. \"We got somewhere to be.\"\n\n****\n\nAt Temple House, Royal closed down his laptop, looked up at the grandfather clock and smiled. Almost seven. Knowing he'd see Toni in a few minutes lifted his spirits. He ran a comb through his hair, shrugged on a sport coat and whistled his way out the door.\n\nAt Wannabe he frowned to find the lights on and the door unlocked. \"Toni?\" he called but got no response. Midnight stretched out on the floor eyeing a ragged catnip mouse as though he expected it to jump up and run away. The cat flicked his tail at Royal but didn't move.\n\n\"Toni?\"\n\nStill no answer.\n\nPuzzled, Royal walked through the workshop to the back door, which was also, to his surprise, unlocked. Perhaps she'd taken the garbage to the alley. He stepped outside to see a split plastic bag flapping open near the recycling bin. The dim alley light picked up bits of brilliant material tumbling over the ground. Odd. Where the hell was she? \"Toni!\" he shouted, but only heard the wind in the trees.\n\nA frisson of dread flowed down his spine. Something was wrong. So wrong. She would never leave her store like that, certainly not on Halloween when any sort of mischief might sprout from twisted minds. If something happened to her...\n\nHe pulled out his regular cell phone and called Jack Dresser. \"Is Toni with you?\"\n\n\"No. She had a date with you tonight, last I heard.\"\n\n\"Right. But she's not here at the shop. It's open, the lights are on, and garbage is spread all over the back yard.\"\n\nJack's voice was immediately concerned. \"Not good. Not like Toni at all.\"\n\n\"No.\" Royal's phone beeped. \"Hold on, I'm getting another call. Maybe it's Toni. I'll call you back.\"\n\nBut it wasn't Toni.\n\n\"I told you I'd be in touch, Stone. I've got your bitch and she's not lookin' happy. Now you give me that last delivery of diamonds and I'll give you your woman and we'll call it good. I'm in the driver's seat now and this time you ain't too good to play along. You do what I tell you. Just wait right there. And don't call the cops.\" Click.\n\nRoyal's stomach clenched. The voice needed no identification. Sam Neeley. And he had Toni. Royal shut his eyes, pictured her lovely face. She had to be frightened. Where had Sam taken her? He'd always hated Royal, always wanted to drag him into his shady lifestyle. Who knew what the man would do? Especially if he knew how much Toni had come to mean to Royal, something that was so new he didn't even understand it himself.\n\nSo Sam knows about the diamonds. But how did he make the connection to me? He must have followed me to Green Bay. From where? Royal shook his head. With his training he should have picked up any tail. The Group's security had never been broken in the years he'd worked with them. Royal gritted his teeth. I should have known that sneaky bastard would be trouble as soon as I saw him in Door County. And what did he mean when he said, \"You owe me?\" Unbidden, the memory of one night when he and Sam were living with the Masons blew into his mind.\n\n\"Been lookin' for you, Royal.\" Sam had swaggered into the room they shared. \"Got a great idea for a con. Easy money. C'mon, it'll be a snap.\"\n\nRoyal had looked up from studying his history book. \"Sorry, Sam. Not interested.\"\n\n\"Well, ain't that just great.\" Sam plopped down on the other twin bed. \"Ain't you just hoity-toity. Too good for the likes of me, are you?\"\n\nRoyal sighed. He knew his parents had been killed running from the law. That wasn't the future he planned for himself. \"Too good for the likes of a life of crime, Sam. How long before you end up in prison?\"\n\nSam snorted. \"Too smart for that.\"\n\nIt was Royal's turn to snort. \"Can it, Sam. I'm going to get through school and into business. I'll make my money the legal way.\"\n\n\"Sure you will. And I'm going to be the Secretary of State.\" Sam had stomped toward the door, looked back and said, \"You'll work with me sooner or later, Royal. I'll make it happen.\"\n\nAll Royal had said was, \"In your dreams, pal,\" but he still remembered having to rein himself in from decking Sam. What he'd said was too close to home. What if conning was in Royal's blood? Could he really move away from that legacy?\n\nThe sudden ringing of the phone still in his hand brought him back to Wannabe. It was Jack, his voice agitated. \"Was it Toni? Did she call?\"\n\n\"No. I'll have to get back to you, Jack. Something's happened and I have to handle it.\"\n\n\"Dammit, Royal, she's my sister! Is she in danger?\"\n\nRoyal hesitated. \"I hope not.\"\n\n\"What do you mean, you hope not? What's going on?\"\n\nRoyal heard brother's concern in Jack's voice. \"I think she's been kidnapped. And I have to wait for a call. That's all I can tell you right now. As soon as I know anything\u2014\"\n\n\"Where are you?\"\n\n\"At Wannabe.\"\n\n\"I'm at Kate's. I'll be there in ten.\" Jack said, his voice tight. \"Wait for me. Call the police.\"\n\n\"No! I know this guy, Jack. Believe me, that would be a mistake.\"\n\n****\n\nRiding in the dirty pickup with her head in a bag that smelled like mold and who knew what else, and with her hands cuffed behind her had been bad enough, but Neeley had twisted a length of duct tape around her ankles as well.\n\n\"Not too tight, init?\" he'd asked. \"Just for no runnin' away, see?\" When the truck stopped he jerked the bag off her head and through the splotched windshield she saw a six-unit paint-peeling ramshackle motel that could only be described as \"recently condemned\" or should be.\n\nHe pulled her from the pickup and slung her over his shoulder as though she weighed nothing, kneed open a warped door and flipped on a fly-specked bulb hanging from the ceiling. He tossed her onto a mattress covered by a threadbare spread whose colors had long been washed away. The bedsprings creaked in protest and the old carved wooden bedposts from a more elegant era leaned haphazardly as though the whole thing might collapse.\n\nToni could almost feel bedbugs skittering under the cover and she wriggled to sit up on the very edge, staying away from a couple of broken wires that poked up through the mattress. Not your usual lover's tryst, she thought, and wondered how Neeley had even found the place. She'd lived in Green Bay all her life and had no knowledge of it.\n\n\"This'll only hurt for a second.\" He ripped the duct tape from her mouth.\n\n\"Ow!\" Toni's chin came up. \"Why did you do that?\"\n\n\"Better than peelin' it off slow.\" He stood back and looked her up and down, nodding, and Toni was glad she hadn't had time to dress in her slim black sheath for dinner. Her work slacks and black T-shirt would do fine for a hostage. Somehow she didn't think Sam Neeley was going to hurt her, but she wasn't sure, and she couldn't figure out just what he would do if Royal didn't come for her. She'd heard Neeley's one-sided demand and realized that Bryce Andrews really did know what he was talking about when he said Royal was involved with diamonds. But, she told herself, that didn't mean he was dealing illegally, did it? Surely diamonds were bought and sold every day by reputable businessmen.\n\n\"Who are you? And why did you call Royal Stone?\"\n\n\"'Cause that was his name when I knew him.\" Neeley pulled out the wobbly straight chair from a listing table by the dirt-crusted window and straddled the seat, facing her and crossing his arms on the chair back. \"I'm Sam Neeley. Me and your friend Royal go way back.\"\n\nReally. Maybe he'll tell me more about Royal. \"Oh? Where was that?\"\n\n\"Wouldn't you like to know.\" Neeley lit a cigarette, spit a bit of tobacco onto the floor and leaned back, his eyes roving over her body. \"I doubt Stone's told you about me.\"\n\nOr anything else. Always catch more flies with honey, she told herself and gave Neeley a forced little smile. \"Yes, you're right. He hasn't told me anything about his past. Now, you look like a man who knows how to make things go your way.\" She leaned forward. \"Do you really think he'll trade diamonds for me?\" She almost laughed at Neeley's surprise.\n\n\"'Course he will. Look at you.\"\n\nShe frowned. \"What does that mean?\"\n\n\"All that curly hair, and that perky little nose. Yeah, he'll trade.\" Nodding, Neeley took a deep drag on the cigarette and blew a stream of smoke toward the ceiling. \"Any man in his right mind would. Give him a little time to stew and try to figure out where we are, and then we'll call him again. He'll come for sure.\" He paused, nodding. \"You okay? I'll take off those cuffs for a while if you want, long's you don't try to run.\"\n\nAs if she could, with duct tape around her ankles. \"Yes, please. I'd appreciate it.\" What kind of a kidnapper asks his hostage if she's okay and if he should take off the cuffs? Her original fear of Sam Neeley had lessened to a green alert from the high orange she'd felt when he'd first grabbed her. He was just a small-time con man that didn't even carry a gun. At least she hadn't seen one. But he still gave her the creeps. \"What were you in prison for?\" she asked, rubbing her wrists where the handcuffs had chafed them.\n\nNeeley scowled. \"Who says I was? Stone?\"\n\n\"No. I told you Royal didn't tell me anything about you. I'm looking at those tattoos on your knuckles.\"\n\n\"Oh.\" As if to hide the evidence, he turned his hands over, palms up. \"Just a prank, when I was a kid.\"\n\nToni shrugged. \"Pranks can backfire. Guess we all do dumb stuff when we're kids.\"\n\nNeeley sucked another draw, coughed. \"Not all. Stone didn't. He was a damn straight arrow. Prob'ly still is.\"\n\nI do so want believe that. She leaned closer to her captor. \"How is it that you knew him? Are you both from the same town? Did you follow him here?\"\n\nHe almost looked as though he might answer, but instead said, \"You ask way too many questions.\" Neeley pulled his cell phone from his pocket and dialed.\n\nToni kept talking. \"You do know kidnapping is a federal offense, don't you? When Royal finds me you'll be back in prison for a long, long time.\"\n\n\"Yeah, yeah. But only if I'm caught. Get the diamonds and disappear, that's my plan. And Stone won't do a damn thing about it.\"\n\n\"That doesn't make any sense. Why won't he?\"\n\n\"'Cause he'll just want me to go away. I'm countin' on that.\" Into the phone he said, \"Yeah, Stone! Ready to deal?...Thought so. Meet me in twenty minutes at the laundromat on Bellevue...Yeah, that one, Swish and Swash, or somethin' like that...Bring the rocks, you wanna see your woman again. Gotta go, can't be hangin' on a phone that could be traced, that'd be stupid. See ya.\" Neeley ended the call with a smug look at Toni.\n\n\"He'll have the police there, you know.\"\n\n\"Not unless he wants them to know what he really does.\"\n\n\"And what is that?\"\n\nNeeley just sneered. \"Somethin' that makes big bucks. Hell, prob'ly a lot of people would like to know.\" He got up. \"Time to meet our friend.\" So suddenly she didn't have time to push away, he grabbed her arms and pulled her to the head of the bed.\n\n\"Hey! What are you doing?\" she sputtered, but he didn't answer.\n\nUsing two sets of handcuffs, he secured each of her wrists separately around the smallest diameter of the old ornately carved bedpost. He stood back and said, \"There! You'll be fine until I get back.\"\n\n\"Wait!\" She felt her eyes go wide and her stomach turned over. \"You're just leaving me here? In this rat hole?\"\n\n\"Relax, lady. It's not for long. And no use yelling. There ain't nobody within hollering distance.\" With a sly grin he was gone.\n\n****\n\n\"Dammit!\" Royal muttered, staring at the dead cell phone in his hand. \"He hung up too fast to get coordinates on his location.\"\n\nJack closed and locked Toni's shop door behind them and they headed for Jack's Chevy Malibu. \"Okay, what do we do now? You said you know him, so who is he?\"\n\n\"Somebody I knew a long time ago and hoped I'd never see again.\"\n\n\"That's real cryptic but not helpful.\" Jack hurried to catch up with Royal's long strides. \"Is this the guy in Sister Bay that Toni was worried about?\"\n\nRoyal nodded. \"Unfortunately, yes.\" He reached into the glove compartment of his Porsche and slipped something into his pocket, wishing he had time to swing by Temple House for his .45. Then he slid into Jack's passenger seat.\n\n\"What does he want?\" Jack asked.\n\n\"An even exchange. Two million dollars in uncut diamonds for Toni.\"\n\n\"Which, of course, you just happen to have.\" Sarcasm was clear in Jack's voice as he started the motor.\n\n\"Not this minute, but I could have, and he knows it.\"\n\nJack turned toward him, eyes narrowed. \"So Bryce Andrews was telling the truth.\"\n\n\"Andrews?\" Royal frowned. \"About what?\"\n\n\"That he saw you dealing diamonds in Antwerp.\"\n\n\"Well, isn't he just the fount of information. FYI, yes, I deal in diamonds for one of my accounts. I deliver, he's happy, I'm paid. That all right with you?\"\n\n\"Sorry,\" Jack said, putting the car in gear. \"Not my business. But what will happen if you trade them for Toni?\"\n\n\"It won't come to that. I'm guessing Neeley hasn't thought this whole thing through. He's a small-time crook who's already been in prison for burglary. He won't want to go back. I'm pretty sure he's smart enough to stay away from guns.\"\n\n\"But if we don't call the police?\" Jack deftly swung onto Main Street. A few straggling trick-or-treaters were still abroad, but legal Halloween hours were over and the streets had quieted.\n\n\"Not necessary. He wants to deal. We'll let him think he's got us where he wants us. The minute I have Toni I'll arrest him myself.\"\n\n\"You're some kind of cop?\" Jack narrowed his eyes, swerving to miss a smashed pumpkin in the street. \"You can do that?\"\n\n\"I can. I just hope he hasn't given her too bad a time.\"\n\nJack scowled. \"It almost sounds like you care about this guy.\"\n\n\"In a way, I guess I do.\" Royal sighed. \"He had bad breaks as a kid, made more bad breaks for himself. But he's paid for them, done his time. So far. Now it looks like he's made another bad decision.\"\n\n\"And he should pay for this one. I want him to pay.\" Jack turned his attention to driving, his jaw grim.\n\nThe Bellevue Swish and Swash laundromat was lit up but the parking lot was empty and dark. The fall wind skittered loose leaves across the tarmac and rattled the sign on the next door natural products shop. Sam Neeley's dirty pickup was parked in shadow at the east side of the building.\n\n\"Pull up in front of his truck, Jack,\" said Royal, \"so he can't skip out.\"\n\nJack did, shining his high beams into the pickup's empty cockpit. Royal opened his door to get out and only had one foot on the pavement before Neeley was in his face. \"Hand them over, Stone, you want your lady.\"\n\nHis expression threatening, Jack strode around the back of his car to confront Neeley. \"Who the hell do you think you are? And where's Toni?\"\n\nNeeley took a step back, scowling. \"Who's this guy?\"\n\nJack was nose to nose with Neeley. \"I'm Toni's brother, you son of a bitch, that's who I am, and I'll happily knock all your teeth out if Royal doesn't stop me. Where's my sister?\"\n\nNeeley ignored the question, turned toward Royal. \"Well, Stone? Show me the rocks and I'll tell you where she is.\"\n\n\"Why does he keep calling you Stone?\" Jack asked. \"Sounds like there's something I should know.\"\n\nNeeley sneered. \"Bet there's just a lot about our friend Royal that you don't know. Right, Stone?\"\n\n\"Stone's long gone, Sam. My name is Stewart.\"\n\n\"If you say so. Well? Hand over the rocks.\"\n\n\"When I have Toni. Where is she?\"\n\n\"Where I left her. I'll tell you soon's as I have those diamonds and you can go pick her up. I go my way, you go yours. No harm, no foul.\"\n\n\"I told you we should have called the police, Royal,\" put in Jack. \"They'd love to take care of this scum.\" He grabbed Neeley's arm. \"Where is she? Is she all right?\"\n\n\"Yeah.\" Neeley sneered again, shaking off Jack's arm. \"She's fine.\" He snickered. \"'Cept for being handcuffed to a bedpost.\"\n\n\"Handcuffed! You dirty\u2014\"\n\nRoyal stepped in. \"I'll handle this, Jack. Back off.\"\n\n\"She's my sister. It'd be my pleasure to beat it out of him.\"\n\n\"Don't get your undies in a bundle, Dresser. I told you she's fine.\"\n\n\"You left her tied up somewhere like a dog?\" The veins in Jack's neck stood out like ropes.\n\nNeeley shrugged. \"Won't be for long. Unless Royal here has some other ideas. He stepped closer and peered up into Royal's face. \"All depends on you, don't it?\"\n\nRoyal sighed, shaking his head. \"Sam, you never had enough sense to think things through. I have the authority to take you in right now, and you'll never see the outside again until you're too old to care about it. Your choice. Now, where's Toni?\"\n\nSam Neeley put up his chin. \"I said, I'll tell you where she is when I have the rocks. Got it?\"\n\nRoyal reached into his pocket and with a swift move, pulled out a pair of handcuffs, swiveled Neeley around and secured them behind his back. \"Sam Neeley, you're being held for the kidnapping of Antonia Dresser.\"\n\n\"You're kidding!\" Neeley said, frowning over his shoulder. \"After all I've done for you? You can't arrest me.\"\n\n\"I think he just did,\" put in Jack, grinning. To Royal, he said, \"Want me to call the police now?\"\n\n\"Toni first.\" Royal began to recite the Miranda.\n\n\"Shit, I've heard that all before,\" whined Neeley. \"Didn't stick then, neither.\"\n\n\"It will this time,\" said Royal. \"I've got the FBI behind me on this one. Kidnapping is a federal crime, and you'll be a two-time loser.\"\n\n\"Aw, Royal, c'mon,\" whined Neeley. \"I'll let her go. I was just funnin.' You remember how that was, right? Setting things up just to see how they'd play out?\"\n\nRoyal's jaw set in a hard line. \"That was then. You were a kid. You're not a kid now, and I'm not playing. Where is Toni?\"\n\nAll bravado gone, Neeley's shoulders slumped. \"Follow me.\" He started for his truck.\n\n\"No.\" Royal grabbed Neeley's shirt collar and threw him into the back seat of Jack's car. \"You're taking us to Toni. Now.\"\n\nBut when they got to the old motel, the big front window was nothing but shards of glass and Toni was gone.\n\n\"I swear I left her here,\" Neeley whined. \"Cuffed to that bedpost right there.\"\n\nThe bedpost was gone, too.\n\n\"Now,\" said Royal, \"it's time for the police.\"\nChapter Twenty-Six\n\nIt wasn't easy walking with a heavy, five-foot bedpost cuffed to her wrists, but it was better than being stuck in that vermin-infested room waiting for her captor to reappear. Toni hoisted the post over one shoulder and trudged down the deserted frontage road. It had to lead somewhere. No streetlights illuminated the clumps of grass and weeds growing out of the cracked and pitted tarmac. She knew Green Bay well but the bag over her head had kept her from seeing where Neeley drove, and all she knew was that she was outside the city and a good half-hour or more from her shop.\n\nNo moon, no stars. The chill wind went right through her lightweight, short-sleeved T-shirt. She shivered so hard her teeth actually chattered. If I'd known I was going to be kidnapped, I'd have worn warmer clothes.\n\nWhen Neeley left she'd spent some time seething, mulling over the situation. She tried calling out a few times but Neeley was right; nobody was near. What if something happened to him and he never got to Royal? She could starve to death here in this filthy room with no one the wiser.\n\nNot if she could help it. Think. There must be something she could do to get loose. Cut through that duct tape around her ankles somehow. Yeah. Sure.\n\nBut possibly... She wiggled around on the mattress and, much as she hated the idea of bedbugs, pulled her bound feet up onto the bed and lay down on her back. The position pulled her shoulders painfully, but even with her wrists cuffed to the bedpost over her head she could stretch just far enough to access one of the protruding broken bedspring wires with her feet. If she could just get the angle right, and if the end of the broken wire was sharp enough to score the tape. Maybe...\n\nYes! Fear and fury fueled her actions as she sawed the tape between her ankles back and forth on the sharpest of the wires, each thrust accompanied by a huff. Who did this jerk think he was! Little by little the sturdy tape split. Thank God he'd only used one layer. Sweat rolled down her face and pooled between her breasts by the time she freed her legs. She relaxed for a moment, catching her breath. Now, to get loose from the sturdy carved bedpost. That was going to be a trick. Neeley had locked the cuffs around a narrow area on the post, but the diameter of the rest of the wood was too large to slip the cuffs off.\n\n\"Okay, then,\" she said, still panting. \"This whole miserable old bed is wimbly. If I can't get away from the damn post, I'll knock the post loose from the frame.\" She twisted around\u2014thank God for practicing Yoga\u2014until she was able to kick at the bottom of the post. I can do this. I can.\n\nOver and over, each kick punctuated by a grunt, she worked until, with a protesting screech, the post finally separated from the headboard and the bed tipped lop-sidedly down. Before she could duck, the top end of the post windmilled and whammed into Toni's head with a thump. She fell to the floor, gasping, her legs tangled, one arm bleeding from scraping across the dingy carpet. She cringed. Who knew what germs lurked there? She struggled to her feet, hauled up the heavy bedpost and stumbled to the door.\n\nLocked.\n\n\"Why did the idiot lock it when he thought I couldn't move?\" Toni muttered. She stepped back and swung the lower end of the post at the big window beside the door. The wood bounced back, its momentum knocking her to the floor. She struggled up, planted her feet, grunted and swung the unwieldy post again, and again, with the same infuriating result. \"One more time, dammit!\" she sputtered and swung with all her might. With a resounding crash the window cracked, then shattered. She waited, breathing deep. Surely someone would have heard the sound of breaking glass, would come to investigate.\n\nNo one had.\n\nSo now she was wandering in the windy dark with the bedpost over one shoulder like one of the seven dwarfs coming home from the mine carrying his shovel, hi-ho, hi-ho. If I just keep walking I'll be bound to get somewhere. But her head really hurt. Her scraped arm smarted. She was cold. And she was so tired.\n\n****\n\nOnly minutes after Jack's call, two squad cars were followed by detective Phil Carson, who took possession of Sam Neeley and shoved him into the back of the police cruiser in spite of his wailing, \"You can't do this. Stone there arrested me already. We got things to talk about. You can't\u2014\" His voice was cut off as Carson slammed the door.\n\nHeadlights reflected off the wind-whipped yellow tape set up around the area as a crime scene photographer recorded the broken window, the damaged bed and close-ups of the blood on the carpeting.\n\n\"You say Toni did this?\" Carson questioned, looking at the broken glass on the ground outside the unit.\n\nJack answered, running his hand through his hair, his face a study in concern. \"She must have. Neeley says he left her here cuffed to the bedpost.\"\n\n\"How long ago?\"\n\n\"Probably not more than an hour. He called us to meet him at the Bellevue laundromat.\"\n\n\"He was demanding ransom?\"\n\nJack tilted his head at Royal, who said, \"In a way. Not money.\"\n\nCarson's brows went up. \"Not money? What, then?\"\n\n\"Could I speak to you in private?\" asked Royal.\n\nCarson led him out of earshot of the others. \"Okay, Stewart, you warned me about this guy. Did you expect this to happen? What did he mean, you, or somebody named Stone, 'arrested' him already? Who's Stone?\"\n\n\"I am. Was.\" Royal sighed. \"Long story. Look, I knew this guy a long time ago, when we were just kids. He's been in trouble before, as I told you. I did detain him. But I'd like to keep that under the radar, if I could. You can have him. I'm working on something entirely different. Toni's abduction has nothing to do with it.\"\n\nCarson's mouth twisted. \"So you're undercover. I'm not surprised. For who? And why didn't you tell me that before?\"\n\n\"I couldn't. You don't have clearance. And it's not important now. Toni is.\"\n\nCarson nodded. \"Right, but I'm not done with you. We're going to have a fine little talk after we find Toni and this is settled.\"\n\n\"Agreed.\" They walked back to the others.\n\n\"I've got all available men coming shortly,\" said Carson. \"She has to have walked away. Since this whole area was given to the Nature Conservancy it's pretty well gone back to wilderness. We'll spread out, cover the old roads, all directions. From the looks of the blood on the carpet, she's hurt, maybe cut from climbing out the broken window. She's probably scared.\"\n\n\"And cold,\" added Jack, shivering. \"Toni hates being cold.\"\n\nWhen the squads arrived at the hostage scene, Detective Carson shouted instructions over the increasing wind. \"Listen up! There's a woman out there, probably hurt, possibly bleeding and disoriented, and we think she's carrying a heavy bedpost. The ground is hard here and the wind has obliterated any possible tracks, so we don't know which way she may have gone.\" He pointed his thumbs in both directions down the old road where the dilapidated motel was situated.\n\nThe thwump! thwump! of a helicopter reverberated overhead and illuminated the area with a brilliant spotlight. Carson continued, \"Air rescue will fly a two-mile grid. We don't think she could have gone farther than that, given the time her abductor was gone. Spread out, cover the overgrown deserted roads. I doubt she would have gone into the dense underbrush, but she's got to be cold, may have found an old cabin in the woods for shelter. There've been some reports of wild dog packs in this area. Let's hope nothing like that comes into play tonight. All right, go!\"\n\nPolice scrambled into their patrols and the squads moved out like a herd of beetles with brightly lit antenna. In a matter of seconds the area was deserted except for Royal and Jack, who hugged his arms across his chest and said again, \"We've got to find her, Royal. Toni hates being cold.\"\n\n****\n\nPlod, plod. Stumble, plod. Toni kept putting one foot in front of the other, sure that this old road, decrepit though it was, had to lead somewhere, anywhere away from Sam Neeley. She stopped to listen but only heard the faint hum of distant traffic and the sound of dogs barking. Maybe there was a farm nearby? How far from Green Bay was she? She saw no lights in any direction. The chill wind had picked up and kept blowing her loosened curls over her face. Only the faintest outline of a half moon shone intermittently through scudding clouds. Her disoriented mind rambled. This is the best kind of Halloween night. Jack and I would have loved this when we were kids. Where is he? Out with Kate Bishop? Glad they're okay now. Where's Royal? He must have come to the shop for me. When he saw was open and lit, surely he'd know there was something wrong. But he wouldn't know what until Neeley called him . . .\n\nPlod, plod, stumble. Catch your balance, Toni. God, this bedpost is heavy. Breathing hard, she stood it upright on the old tarmac for a moment. Then she tried to put it up on her shoulder again, but her arms wouldn't cooperate. Those dogs sound closer now. I like dogs. Maybe they'll lead someone to me. She took another step, stumbled over a clump of weeds growing from a crack in the road and fell flat on her face.\n\n\"I'm so cold, and I'm so tired,\" she muttered, shivering. \"I give up.\" She curled into a ball and closed her eyes.\nChapter Twenty-Seven\n\n\"Got a flashlight?\" Royal asked.\n\nJack nodded and pulled one from his glove compartment, tested it. He grabbed a couple of windbreakers from the back seat and tossed one to Royal. \"Good to go,\" he said. \"But where?\"\n\n\"You tell me. You know Toni better than anyone else in the world,\" said Royal, zipping the jacket against the night chill. \"Aren't twins supposed to have a second sense about each other? Seriously, do you think Toni would have gone into the woods?\"\n\nJack shook his head. \"Not unless she was running from the devil himself. She never was much for nature hikes. From the way that motel was broken up I'd say she had a mad on, and that she wasn't thinking rationally. She would have just been moving, any direction, to get away before Neeley came back.\"\n\n\"That's what I suppose, too.\" He paused. \"I didn't like what Carson said about wild dogs.\"\n\n\"I don't want to even think about that,\" said Jack. \"I remember from my Boy Scout days before the Conservancy took over this area, some old deer paths spider-webbed back toward a swamp. We used to wilderness camp back there. Probably all pretty overgrown by now. If she got started down one of those she could wander for hours.\"\n\n\"Would the cops know about them?\"\n\n\"Maybe if they're natives. Possibly not. But I do. Let's go.\"\n\nThey started walking, stumbling over clumps of weeds cropping up in their path.\n\n\"Damn Neeley! There's something fishy about how he ran into us in Door County. Something fishy about how he found me at all.\" And how did Sam know I had anything to do with diamonds?\n\n\"What's the story? You think this guy followed you to Green Bay? To your aunt's?\" Jack almost tripped over a clump of weeds growing out of the old blacktop, caught his balance, shouted, \"Toni!\" and waited for an answer before he continued, \"From where?\"\n\n\"Haven't a clue. Last I saw of him was in Mississippi, years ago. I hadn't heard from or about him any time since. Didn't want to.\"\n\n\"You think he had something to do with your aunt's fall? Toni said you thought that wasn't an accident.\"\n\nRoyal hesitated, shook his head. \"Just a feeling, nothing concrete. But something Neeley said keeps teasing my mind. I can't quite get a handle on it.\"\n\nA light rain began to fall and Jack pulled his head down into the collar of his windbreaker. \"We've got to find her, Royal. She'll be freezing.\"\n\nRoyal bit his lip, caught up in guilt. Because of me. This all happened to Toni because of me, what I do. And if we don't find her soon...he didn't want to think about that. His mind suddenly unearthed what he wanted to remember about Neeley. \"You owe me,\" is what Neeley had said. But for what?\n\n\"Listen!\" Jack stopped walking. \"Dogs.\"\n\n****\n\nToni rested for a few minutes, then tried to move into a more comfortable position, but snuggling up to a five-foot bedpost on gravely asphalt wasn't easy. The wind was less annoying here deep in the woods, but now rain had begun, and already soaked her thin shirt.\n\n\"Okay, then.\" She struggled up. \"Let's you and me find somewhere to get out of this weather.\"\n\nShaking her head for talking to a post, she hoisted it over her shoulder again and stumbled on, shivering. This may be the most memorable Halloween I'll ever have. It will be something to tell my grandchildren about. If I don't freeze to death tonight.\n\nTeeth chattering, Toni left the path and turned into the woods, looking for somewhere, anywhere to get out of the cold rain. \"Shouldn't there be an old hunting cabin in here someplace?\" she asked herself, keeping up a running commentary just to hear her own voice. \"Snakes aren't out this time of year, are they? Think about morning. Morning will be better. Has to be.\"\n\nShivering, she floundered through underbrush, using the heavy bedpost to push wet branches away. She moved like a determined robot and almost ran into an enormous old oak that loomed before her.\n\n\"Hallelujah!\" she muttered. \"My prayers are answered!\"\n\nThe gaping hole in the tree trunk was just big enough. She curled her body into the dry rotted wood and pulled her knees up to get out of the rain. She positioned the bedpost, too large to bring in with her, at an angle on the outside, effectively forming a barrier across the opening. Neeley will never find me here in my safe little den, my safe dry little den. Exhausted, she closed her eyes and fell asleep.\n\n****\n\nRain was falling harder now. The wind had picked up again, whipping remaining leaves from deciduous trees and soughing mournful sighs through evergreens. The wet, leaf-covered path Jack and Royal walked grew narrower as they went further into the woods, shouting Toni's name at intervals, stopping to listen for an answer. But dripping rain muffled even their footsteps now. Jack's flashlight was useless.\n\nAs they pushed on through the eerie night, Royal's mind played back the past month. Someone had connected Neeley with Royal's undercover work. On his own, Sam wasn't that smart. I must have been getting sloppy in Antwerp. That exchange wasn't going well and I should have pulled out of it. At that time Royal hadn't yet known about his great aunt and Temple House. Coincidence that Bryce Andrews had been at the same place? A stretch; Royal didn't believe in coincidences. \"Jack, how long have you known Bryce Andrews?\"\n\nJack snorted. \"The elegant Mr. Andrews? Too long. Why?\"\n\n\"He's not a favorite of yours, I'd guess. I haven't met him but he seems pretty interested in me.\" And in what I do.\n\n\"He'd be interested in anyone that might intrigue Toni. He wants her back and makes sure she knows it. He's rich and good-looking, I'll give him that. But he's also possessive, controlling and generally a pain in the ass.\"\n\nRoyal grinned in spite of himself. \"That's how she described him, too.\"\n\n\"Did she? Good. That's progress. Toni was pretty thick with him for over a year, until she got tired of being the submissive little woman. She told me about the note he left at her shop.\"\n\n\"Does she tell you everything?\" Royal hoped not, glad it was too dark to show the color that flooded his face as he remembered two sensuous nights on a moonlit coverlet.\n\n\"Not everything, but pretty much. Toni!\" he called, waited, began walking again. \"She doesn't quite know what to think about you.\"\n\n\"And you?\" Royal asked.\n\n\"The jury's still out. But if you hurt her I'll have to kill you.\"\n\nRoyal hoped Jack had said that with a smile. \"Trust me, I won't.\"\n\n\"Then we're cool. Toni!\" Jack shouted again. \"Toni!\" His voice floated away on the wind.\n\nNo answer.\n\n****\n\nBarking woke Toni in her cramped little hideaway. She had no idea how long she'd slept, but she thought it couldn't have been more than a few minutes. Rain was still coming down, though not quite as hard. The barking was nearer now, almost right outside. Good, the police have used the dogs to find me. \"Here! Here I am! In the tree!\"\n\nThe response was not what she hoped. With a vicious snarl, the head of an enormous black dog thrust into the small space on one side of the bedpost. She shrunk back as far as she could, given the limits of the handcuffs, swallowing hard, pulling her hands away from the canine's slobbering mouth. This was not a friendly K-9 rescue. This was a wild-eyed, unkempt animal that pawed and scrabbled its front claws, trying to dislodge the post barrier she pulled tightly against the tree. Right behind that dog Toni glimpsed a snapping, shaggy white monster, just as large and just as ferocious, fighting to shoulder the first animal away to get to Toni.\n\nShe made herself as small as she could, but her hands were caught by the cuffs and she could only pull back a few inches. Her heart seemed to stop and she couldn't breathe. For the first time she was glad that the bedpost was as big and sturdy as it was. She shut her eyes and held on. Oh, Lord, make them go away. Or have them make so much noise someone will come. I've had all of this Halloween I can take.\n\n****\n\n\"Stop.\" Jack threw out his arm to halt Royal. \"Listen! Those dogs are closer now. They sound as though they've treed a coon.\"\n\n\"Or Toni.\" Royal swerved off the path toward the excited barking. \"This way! Come on!\"\n\nTaking the lead, Royal crashed through the underbrush, pushing rain-heavy branches out of the way, rushing toward the cacophony of barking and snarling.\n\n\"Better have something to hit them with,\" yelled Jack, searching for a suitable downed branch even as they moved.\n\n\"Hold!\" Royal commanded, flinging his arm aside to stop Jack and listening to pinpoint the barking. \"Over there!\" He changed direction and careened over fallen moss-covered stumps, stumbling through bramble bushes that seemed almost too thick to get through. The night had become oppressively dark and the rain hadn't lessened, but was filtered somewhat through the trees overhead.\n\nJack, not as fit, labored behind Royal.\n\nThey burst upon the frenzied dogs tearing at the post that Toni was pulling as tightly as she could against the tree trunk, her only purchase the handcuffs that bruised her wrists with every new lunge of the animals. \"Help! Somebody! Get them away!\" she cried, her voice barely audible over the dogs' snarls.\n\n\"Toni!\" Royal and Jack shouted together, their voices startling the dogs to quiet for a second before they turned as one to attack these new intruders who might fight them for their cornered prey.\n\n\"Get away, you devils!\" Jack swung his piece of deadwood at the black dog's head, sending a resounding crack through the heavy air. With a hurt yelp the dog staggered for a moment, recovered, backed up and pawed the ground, growling at this new enemy. Frenzied, he lunged, throwing Jack onto the heavy coating of leaves underfoot, straddling him, mauling his jacketed arm. Jack cried out and thrust the branch up into the dog's slobbering mouth. With a vicious whine he snapped it in two as if it were no tougher than a toothpick and flung it aside. Snarling deep in his throat, he fastened his slavering jaws around Jack's sleeve.\n\n\"Hold on, Jack!\" Royal yelled. \"Cover your face if you can!\"\n\nHe turned, scooped up a handful of wet leaves and threw them into the white dog's eyes, gaining a half second before it leaped at him, cavernous mouth open, fangs flinging saliva. Royal swiveled, kicked the dog off balance and with a fluid dancer's move threw his leg over its back as if mounting a bucking bronco. He seized its head in a hammerlock and snapped its neck. The animal crumpled and went down without a sound.\n\n\"One down.\" Royal grabbed the black dog's ear and twisted it hard, then kicked its ribs, once, twice. The dog released Jack, snarled and plunged toward Royal. As it leaped, Royal delivered a lethal roundhouse kick to its vulnerable throat in mid-air. A strangled howl, a whimper and a thud as its heavy body hit the ground. Then silence.\n\n\"Good God.\" Jack struggled to stand, straightening his ripped sleeve. \"I've never seen anything like that! Who are you?\"\n\nRoyal ignored the question and strode back to the hollow tree. \"It's over now, Toni,\" he said, his voice rough. \"Let's get you out of there.\" He pulled the bedpost away from the tree, bringing Toni with it, bedraggled and shivering. \"Did they hurt you?\"\n\n\"No, I'm okay,\" she said, her voice unsteady. She leaned into Royal's chest. \"Now.\"\n\n\"Thank God you found this tree,\" said Jack. \"Those dogs wanted you for dinner.\"\n\n\"They would have had me, too, before long,\" she said, turning to her brother. \"Oh, Jack, you're bleeding.\"\n\n\"It's nothing, really,\" said Jack. \"He mostly got my coat.\" Then his voice sharpened. \"What in the hell were you thinking, taking off in the middle of the night like that? Haven't you got a brain in your head?\"\n\n\"Stuff it, Jack,\" said Royal. \"The last thing she needs is a lecture. Here, Toni.\" He reached in his pocket and pulled out the key to the cuffs he'd put on Neeley. In seconds he'd unlocked her from the bedpost.\n\n\"Thank you, thank you, thank you both,\" Toni said, trembling, rubbing her chafed wrists. \"I couldn't have held on much longer and those dogs would have pulled me out.\" She turned into Royal's arms, visibly shaking now that the worst was over. \"What did you do to them?\"\n\n\"Never mind. It's okay, Toni, it's okay,\" he murmured, holding her close and dropping his cheek on the top of her tousled head, loving the feel of her in his arms and mentally reeling from the terror that had fueled his deadly anger at the dogs. Another realization burst full-blown into his mind, sharp as a scalpel blade: He wanted, no, more than wanted, needed this woman in his life. He who had made sure he never needed anyone. He pulled off his jacket and wrapped it across her shoulders. \"Let's take you home.\"\n\nThe walk out of the woods went much faster than going in, helped by the rain having stopped and intermittent pale moonlight shining through scattering clouds. As soon as they made sure the dogs were dead, Jack called Carson on his cell phone and put him on speaker.\n\n\"We found Toni, Phil. She's okay. A little worse for wear.\"\n\nRelief was evident in Carson's voice. \"Does she need a doctor?\"\n\nHer adrenalin still pumping, Toni's voice was clear and strong when she answered, \"No, Phil,\" at the same time that both Jack and Royal said, \"Yes.\"\n\n\"I'll be fine. We'll argue about that later. Where's Sam Neeley?\"\n\n\"Locked up, for now. We'll deal with him later, too,\" said Carson. \"Stewart, take her home and get her warmed up. I can take her statement in the morning.\" Then his voice softened, \"I'm so glad you're all right, Toni.\"\n\n\"Thanks, Phil. Me, too.\"\n\n\"This post is heavy,\" Jack complained, trudging behind Royal who still had one arm around Toni. \"Do we really have to carry it back?\"\n\n\"Yes. It's evidence,\" said Royal.\n\nToni grinned over her shoulder. \"If I could carry it in, you can carry it out.\"\n\n\"Anything for you, sis. Let's just get home and get warm.\"\n\nTwo hours later they were back at Toni's with her wrists bandaged and brandies in their hands. \"Better than any Halloween we ever had, right, Jack?\"\n\nShe grinned and lifted her glass to clink against her brother's.\n\nRoyal leaned back and observed. The woman was amazing. In danger of death one minute, quipping the next. She intrigued him more than ever. He had expected a meltdown after the adrenalin left her body, but that hadn't happened. He was still reeling from his own overwhelming reaction when he'd realized how much she meant to him.\n\nJack just shook his head. \"You're crazy, you know that, sis? If Royal hadn't done what he did out there we'd probably all be dead meat by the swamp.\" Jack turned to Royal. \"What kind of training have you had, anyway?\"\n\nIf he only knew.\n\nRoyal smiled. \"Just your garden variety karate. Helped along by anger at Neeley and fear for Toni's safety.\"\n\nJack shook his head. \"I don't think so. But whatever it was, thanks.\"\nChapter Twenty-Eight\n\n\"You didn't see him in action, Toni,\" Jack said after Royal had left. \"He killed those dogs as dead as if he'd shot them in the head, all with his bare hands. The man is a lethal weapon.\"\n\nToni nodded, remembering the damage Royal had done to her stay-away-from-men mantra with two nights of the best seductive lovemaking she'd ever experienced. She made a face. \"In more ways than one, Jack.\"\n\nHer brother studied her, then said, \"Hmmm. I get the feeling there's more to that than you're telling. You really care about him, don't you?\"\n\nShe sighed. \"I'm afraid I do. But he's so damn...mercurial.\"\n\nJack's eyebrows went up. \"As in mythology? The god Mercury? Come on, Toni. Shrewd? Swift?\"\n\n\"All that. And changeable. Mysterious. I can't get beyond what he lets me see. He won't let me in. Anything personal comes up, smack! Brick wall.\"\n\n\"Maybe what you see is what you get. Part of his charm?\" Jack finished his drink and got up. \"It's pretty late, but I need to at least talk to Kate to tell her what happened after I rushed out of her place. Then a shower and sleep. How about you? Do you want me to stay tonight? I'd be glad to.\"\n\nToni shook her head. \"Not necessary. I'm going to stand in a shower for as long as there's hot water. And I think I could sleep until next week.\"\n\n\"I'll call you tomorrow, then. Going to tell the folks about all this?\"\n\n\"Why worry them? It's over.\"\n\nJack dropped a kiss on the top of her head. \"Seems so. But I think we have more to learn about Sam Neeley. And maybe about Royal's diamond business.\"\n\nToni yawned. \"Right. But not tonight. Love you, Jack.\"\n\nHe grinned. \"Back at ya, sis.\"\n\n****\n\nLater that night, Royal drove a circuitous route to the bus station, making sure no one followed him. He almost hoped someone would, someone he could get his hands on and shake the truth out of. How had Sam Neeley learned about the diamonds? Was there a connection between Neeley and someone in the area?\n\nThe bus station was deserted at this time of night except for a heavy, overly made-up woman behind the ticket counter. \"Help you?\" she called out when he came in.\n\n\"No, thanks. Just need a coffee.\" He went to the vending machine and took his time finding the right change, keeping one eye on the woman until she got up and disappeared into a room behind the counter. He then strode to the lockers, slipped a key into #13 and removed a shoebox-sized package wrapped in brown paper. A smiley face was drawn on it with magic marker. Who was the practical joker? Surely not his black-suited handler. That man didn't have a funny bone in his body. Royal tucked the box under his arm and left the building.\n\n****\n\nThe next morning Toni awoke to aching wrists, but except for a tender bump on her head and a scraped arm, no lasting physical ailments. She lay in bed reliving the whole night from the moment Neeley had grabbed her in the alley. Whew! What a Halloween! Things would have turned out so differently without Royal. Of course without Royal's diamond connection, there never would have been a kidnapping at all. She'd have to go to the police station today to file her report, and Phil Carson would take it from there. Neeley would be put away, case closed. But there were so many questions unanswered, questions she wanted\u2014needed\u2014to ask Royal.\n\nShe frowned. He'd certainly lived up to his name of Helper. Killing wild dogs with his bare hands? The man was unbelievable. The warmth of his arms when he'd placed his jacket around her promised more, but he'd left with only the light touch of his finger on her cheek and a quiet, \"Get some sleep, Toni.\" If he'd wanted to stay, but he hadn't. Didn't that make it pretty clear that their fantastic sex had been just that? Maybe saving damsels in distress was ho-hum for a helper. Who knew how many others he'd rescued?\n\nShe got out of bed and told the woman in her bathroom mirror, \"Oh, come off it, Toni Dresser. Admit you're crazy about the guy. What are you going to do about it?\" Her reflection gave no answer.\n\nShe dressed in brown slacks and a matching long-sleeved T-shirt that covered the bandaged scrape on her arm, made coffee that tasted bitter and ate a frozen waffle that was like chewing on Styrofoam. At Wannabe she cleaned up the scraps of garbage and fabric that the wind had scattered in the back of the lot and stashed away leftover Halloween materials and decorations that wouldn't be needed until next year. Then she sat on the counter stool, chin on her hands, to survey the crowded racks and shelves in the shop.\n\nNow what? She sighed. The danger she'd experienced made everything she'd worked for seem so unimportant. Was this her future? Making tutus for proud mamas and Pilgrim suits for other people's grade school kids? Putting together roaring twenties outfits for elite murder mystery dinners that she wasn't invited to? Talking to Midnight for company and having dinner with her brother the highlight of each week? And that would change if he was really serious about Kate Bishop.\n\nShe got up and wandered between the crowded clothes racks, brushing lint from a sleeve here, straightening a collar there. Until now it all had seemed to be enough. But her mind kept going to razor-sharp blue eyes and the warmth of Royal's strong arms that seemed\u2014was she fooling herself?\u2014to hold a promise. In Door County he'd wanted to \"talk about us\" and she had put him off, not willing to once again be disappointed by a one-sided conversation revealing nothing about himself. She'd read stories, watched movies where a love-addled woman fell in love with the rogue who proved to be a criminal.\n\nChimes rang as the door burst open and with a \"Hey, Toni-girl!\" Drea's welcome voice preceded her into Wannabe. \"Where are you?\"\n\n\"Right here.\" Toni emerged from the clothes racks to greet her best friend with a bear hug. \"What's up?\"\n\n\"What's up?\" Drea's expressive face clouded with concern. \"Jack called. What happened to you, for God's sake? I saw the news about a kidnapped woman, but they didn't name you and details were pretty scarce. Tell me! Everything!\"\n\nToni grinned. \"Coffee?\"\n\nDrea huffed. \"Come on! My best friend gets kidnapped and I have to hear about it on the TV?\" She plunked down on the stool opposite Toni's. \"You could have called.\"\n\n\"Sorry.\" Toni handed Drea a steaming cup. \"Now that it's all over, the whole night seems like a really bad dream.\" She described the experience from Neeley's grabbing her to Jack's and Royal's rescue.\n\n\"He did? Two wild dogs with his bare hands?\" Drea's eyes widened. \"That ain't just a handsome sax player, girlfriend. That man's a...\" She paused, shook her head.\n\n\"Yep,\" Toni agreed, nodding. \"That's just how I think of him, too. Indescribable.\" Well, not quite. I could describe every inch of that fantastic muscled body, those hands that know just where and how to touch\u2014\n\n\"Toni! I'm talking to you.\" Drea rapped her knuckles on the countertop. \"Has he called? Just to see how you are?\"\n\n\"Ever the matchmaker.\" Toni rolled her eyes. \"Nope. Nothing to tell. Do I wish he would? Honestly, Drea, I don't know. He's the most confounding person I ever met.\"\n\n\"And the most intriguing?\" Drea grinned, teasing.\n\n\"That, too.\" She looked up at the clown clock. \"Come on. Let's go have lunch and you can tell me what you know about diamonds.\"\n\nTen minutes later Toni observed, \"Neat bag, Drea,\" as Drea hung her pink leather hobo pouch over a chair in the same alcove at the Grapevine where Toni and Royal had lunched previously.\n\n\"Thanks. These purses are flying off the shelves at Furs and Feathers,\" said Drea, seating herself. \"Okay, you got my attention. What did you mean about diamonds?\"\n\n\"That's what Sam Neeley kidnapped me for. A cool two million dollars worth.\"\n\n\"You're kidding.\" Drea's eyes widened. \"They didn't say that on TV.\"\n\n\"No, it was kept quiet, and neither Royal nor Phil Carson would tell me why. More mystery. Truth to tell,\" she huffed, \"I'm getting more than a bit tired of not knowing enough about things that affect my life.\"\n\n\"Hmmm. I assume that includes certain people.\" Drea sat back while the waiter served glasses of water and asked if he could take an order for drinks. \"We may be here a while,\" she told him. \"I think this lunch calls for wine. A glass of Chardonnay, please. Toni? I'm buying.\"\n\n\"Well, in that case.\" Toni smiled. \"I'll have one, too.\"\n\n\"Excellent choice.\" The waiter bowed out.\n\nDrea leaned forward. \"Okay. Tell all. Where were these diamonds supposed to come from? Who was going to pay that for getting you back?\"\n\n\"Three guesses and the first two don't count.\"\n\nDrea frowned. \"Your knight in shining armor? Mysterious, handsome Mr. Helper?\"\n\n\"The very one.\"\n\n\"Who just happens to have two mil in diamonds right on hand?\"\n\nToni shrugged. \"It seems he actually does. Or did. Or could have.\"\n\n\"How was he connected with this Neeley? How did the guy know he could hit Royal up, if that's the right phrase, for that kind of money?\"\n\nToni took a deep breath and shook her head. \"Really, I have no idea. Some things Neeley said while I was with him led me to believe that their connection goes way back to childhood. From the little I've pried out of Royal, I doubt his was a happy one.\"\n\n\"Toni.\" Drea leaned forward. \"Do you think Royal's involved in something illegal?\"\n\nToni paused to give the question its due weight. \"I wish I didn't, but I'm not entirely sure which side of the line he's on. I'm not even sure what line I'm talking about. Oh, Drea, I'm so confused about him. One part of me wishes I'd never met him and another part wants to sign up for a life with him anyway.\"\n\n\"That's a first. After you broke up with Bryce I thought you'd be a spinster forever. Elaborate, girl.\"\n\nShe did, and finished with, \"Royal's a fantastic lover, Drea.\"\n\n\"Wow.\" Drea sat back, looked around the room. \"Where is that waiter? We're gonna need more than one glass of wine.\"\n\nBack at Wannabe an hour later, Toni flew into a frenzy of straightening costume racks, checking every hat and wig to be sure they were ready for use. She laundered necessary clothing, dusted all the shelves, paired up the shoes and organized the accessories corner, but nothing took her mind off Royal. Just thinking about him, his power, those piercing eyes made her long for his touch. Why hadn't he called? To see how she was, at least, as Drea said.\n\nMidnight retreated to the top of the tallest shelf and lay there, tail twitching, watching Toni's every move as if he thought she might gather him up along with the garbage.\n\n\"Some help you are, Midnight,\" she chided, filling his water bowl and cleaning his litter box, trying not to think about her fateful trip to the alley dumpster on Halloween. So much has happened and I still know so little about the man who saved my life.\n\nToni was almost finished sewing a lace edging on a funky denim jacket when the phone rang. She smiled at the caller ID. \"Hi, Mom! I was just thinking about you.\"\n\n\"All good thoughts, I hope.\"\n\n\"Always. What's up? You and Dad okay?\"\n\n\"Fine. Just wondering whether you and Jack have given some thought to coming for Thanksgiving.\"\n\n\"Oh, Mom, I'm sorry. Things have been a little hectic around here.\" If she only knew, she'd have me hog-tied and shipped to Arizona on the next plane. Toni looked out the window at the grey November sky. A trip to southwestern sun and warm breezes sounded pretty nice right about now. And there was really nothing\u2014or no one\u2014she thought, to keep her in Green Bay. \"Jack's coming for dinner tonight, and we'll talk about it. Here's something you'll like to hear. He's got a new girl. And he's asked her to come to meet you and dad.\"\n\n\"Really?\" Excitement spilled through the connection. \"Is she coming? Tell me all! Have you met her? What's she like?\"\n\n\"She's very nice. And he's head over teakettle.\"\n\n\"Wonderful! Keep me posted.\" A pause. Then the hopeful, \"And you?\"\n\nToni had to smile. \"I think I've got the teakettle problem, too, Mom, but there are complications.\" That's putting it mildly, but what mother would want to hear her daughter had been kidnapped and then saved from wild dogs by some kind of undercover ops guy? Even if he was handsome as sin with hands that\u2014\n\n\"Toni! Are you still there?\"\n\n\"Sorry, woolgathering.\"\n\nThe conversation went on for a few more minutes before Wannabe's door chimes jingled.\n\n\"Oops, Mom, gotta go. A customer just came in. I'll call after I've talked with Jack. Love ya.\" Toni stepped out of the workshop to see a tall redhead in a long black leather coat brandishing a small snub-nosed gun. \"Whoa!\" Toni laughed, throwing up her hands. \"You want a costume to go with that?\"\n\n\"What?\" The redhead's eyes widened.\n\n\"What are you dressing as?\"\n\n\"Lady, I'm not dressing at all.\" The woman scowled. \"This is me, pointing a gun at you. You're supposed to be scared.\"\n\nToni took a step backward, swallowed. \"You're serious.\"\n\n\"Damn straight.\"\n\nThoughts tumbled through Toni's mind but none of them made any sense. Was this going to be a re-run of Halloween? Not on your life, sister. Toni took a deep breath and put up her chin. \"What do you want? I don't keep any money here. For heaven's sake, put down the gun and let's talk.\"\n\nThe redhead hesitated, then lowered the weapon. \"Talk's good. If you say what I need to hear. I want information.\"\n\nToni frowned. \"So ask. Who are you? Why me? What kind of information could I possibly have that you'd need a gun to get?\"\n\n\"Shit.\" The redhead slumped onto the customers' stool and slammed the gun on the counter. She narrowed her eyes at Toni. \"Who I am isn't your business. You're the one mixed up in this whole fiasco. How well do you know Royal Stewart?\"\n\nNow there was a question. Toni almost blushed. \"In what sense?\"\n\n\"Don't play games with me, lady.\"\n\nToni heaved a sigh and sat down opposite the woman. \"Look, I have no idea what you want. Could you be more specific?\"\n\n\"Tell me what you know about Stewart.\"\n\n\"As far as I know he's a business consultant.\" And one hell of a lover, but this nutcase doesn't need to know that. \"He goes wherever he's hired, stays there until their problems are solved. End of story.\"\n\n\"That's all? You buy that, huh.\" The redhead scowled again, ran a red-tipped finger over the pearl handle of her little gun. \"How does he know Sam Neeley?\"\n\n\"They go back to childhood, I guess.\" Unconsciously Toni rubbed her wrists. \"Why? What's your connection to low-life Neeley?\"\n\n\"Never you mind about that.\" The redhead frowned, leaned over the counter and demanded, \"Were you in cahoots with Stewart? Who's got the diamonds now?\"\n\nToni got up, fisted her hands on her hips and pinned the woman with a brown stare. \"Look, whoever you are. I have no idea who's got any diamonds. I heard there were some but I never saw any. I'm not, and never have been, in cahoots with anybody about anything.\" Well, not since Jack and I were kids, anyway.\n\n\"Dammit!\" The redhead pounded her fist on the counter. \"You're useless. My life's at stake here and you're useless.\" She swooped up the gun, stuck it in her coat pocket and slammed out the door, leaving the chimes jangling.\n\nNonplused, Toni stared after the woman. Useless? Being useless was worse than being threatened\u2014if that was what had just happened\u2014with a gun. Her life at stake sounded a bit melodramatic. What did the woman have to do with Royal? Toni didn't even know if he was in Green Bay. She hadn't seen or heard from him since Halloween night.\n\nThis wasn't the first time he'd dropped out of her life with no notice. Not that he owes me any, she told herself, reaching down to pick up Midnight. \"At least I have one constant friend, don't I, ol' buddy?\" she crooned, and was rewarded with a steady rumble from deep in the cat's chest. She reached for the phone. \"Let's call the cops.\"\n\n\"She threatened you with a gun?\" Phil Carson nearly yelled. \"Where'd she go? She worked with Neeley. We've been trying to find her.\"\n\n\"Sorry, Phil, she didn't say.\"\n\n\"Why'd she come to you?\"\n\n\"She wanted information about Royal.\"\n\nThere was a silence. Then Carson said, \"Don't we all. If she comes back, keep her somehow until we can get there, okay?\"\n\n\"Okay. But I don't think I'll be seeing her again, Phil. I'm useless.\"\n\n\"What?\" She heard the puzzlement in his voice. \"Say again?\"\n\n\"Never mind.\" Toni sighed. \"Talk to you soon.\"\nChapter Twenty-Nine\n\n\"Thanks for coming in, Stewart,\" said Phil Carson. \"I have your statement about the other night, but there are a few other things I want cleared up. Sit down.\"\n\n\"I'm not surprised, Detective.\" Royal nodded and took the chair across Carson's desk. \"I'll tell you what I can.\"\n\nThe detective scowled. \"Meaning what?\"\n\n\"Don't get your back up. Meaning just that. You don't have clearance.\"\n\nCarson slapped his palms on his desk, scattering papers. \"For what, for God's sake? Cut the mystery, Stewart. This is my town, these are my people and dammit, Toni is one of my favorites. Things could have ended badly, and I thank you that they didn't.\" He narrowed his eyes at Royal. \"I know what I saw at that scene in the woods, and what Toni said in her statement. Now, give me the rest of the story. Where does Neeley come in, and what's with these diamonds he seems to think you have?\"\n\nRoyal hesitated for a moment, then said, \"You've heard the expression, blood diamonds?\"\n\n\"Sure. What about them?\"\n\n\"They're sometimes called conflict diamonds, mined by people, even children, forced to work in abominable conditions in countries like Africa where people are killed without a thought. The diamonds and\/or money from them are trafficked to the states, sometimes through a third country, and sold here for enormous profit. The money is laundered, disappears. These cartels have got to be stopped. That's been my job, first in Sierra Leone, now here in the states.\"\n\n\"Okay,\" Carson said. \"Who do you work for?\"\n\nRoyal didn't answer.\n\n\"I get it.\" Carson said. \"But are you telling me this is happening here in Green Bay?\"\n\nRoyal nodded. \"This particular time, yes. That's what I'm working on.\"\n\nCarson shook his head. \"I need more information.\" He got up, paced the floor. \"I get it that you're some kind of special ops guy. At least I think you are and the way you handled those dogs supports that. What I want to know is, what's your connection to Neeley and whether there's more trouble ahead. Do I understand you're staying in Green Bay?\"\n\nRoyal hesitated and surprised himself by thinking, I am if Toni will have me. What he said was, \"I'm still working on my Aunt Grace's death. I need to interview Neeley. My bones tell me he had something to do with it.\"\n\n\"Still riding that horse, are you? I doubt Neeley will give you any help. He's a small-time crook, that's all, thought he saw an easy street to a fortune, and got in way over his head with kidnapping Toni.\"\n\n\"Agreed. But he's been a thief before. Was he a second-story man on the night of Grace Temple's fall? That would answer a lot of questions. I need to talk to him, Detective.\"\n\nCarson sank back down behind his desk. \"Be my guest. Just don't make him any promises I can't keep.\"\n\n****\n\nSam Neeley stared up at Royal across the small table in the interrogation room. \"Thought you'd never get here,\" Neeley whined, his mouth down-turned. \"Took you long enough.\"\n\nRoyal sat down across from him and raised his eyebrows, smelling the unwashed sweat coming off Neeley and the close air of this room that had held so many confrontations. Dust motes floated in the weak beam of sunlight that filtered through the high, barred window.\n\n\"When do I hear a thank you?\" Neeley blustered.\n\n\"Thank you!\" Royal pushed his chair back from the table. \"For what?\"\n\n\"For getting you a frickin' fortune, Stone. Oh, excuse me, I mean Stewart.\" Neeley's cocky grin showed yellow, uncared-for teeth.\n\nDidn't the guy ever use toothpaste? Royal leaned forward, his jaw tight. \"Just what the hell do you mean by that?\"\n\n\"Are you stupid? Now that the old lady's dead you're richer than rich. All because of me. I deserve a cut.\"\n\nRoyal half rose. \"You had better explain that, Sam.\"\n\n\"Sure, Mr. Stewart.\" Neeley grinned. \"Soon's you get me out of this cell. You can do that, got some kind of gov'ment clout, right? Why'd you change your name, anyway?\"\n\nRoyal didn't answer that. He fixed the smaller man with a blue stare. \"Look, Sam. You don't seem to understand you're in deep trouble. You're already charged with kidnapping. That's a federal offense. Do you want to add the murder of Grace Temple onto that?\"\n\nNow Neeley sat back, palms out. \"Hold up, there. I didn't murder anybody. She fell, all on her own.\"\n\nRoyal said, \"Wait. Let's back up here. How did you find me in the first place?\"\n\n\"Pure great frickin' luck.\" Neeley chortled. \"The day I got out of prison in Ohio I saw you pull up in that fancy Porsche at a stop light in Columbus, and figured you must have a good thing going somewhere, driving that kind of ride, so I hung back and followed you to Green Bay. I saw you go to that big house\u2014what a beauty! Saw you meet that old lady. Looked like you had some kind of in with her. I just wanted to see what was in that mansion, that's all. Had to be good stuff there. So I went to look.\"\n\n\"Look?\" Royal almost laughed. \"To rob, you mean. I've read your jacket. This wouldn't have been the first time. You're admitting you were there the night she died?\"\n\nNeeley slumped down in his chair and rubbed the scraggly stubble on the side of his face. He didn't meet Royal's eyes. \"Yeah, I was there. But I didn't kill her. I wouldn'a done that. Aw, I didn't even know she was in the house. I seen her go out earlier, and it was all dark.\" He stopped, chewed a piece off his thumbnail, spit it out on the floor.\n\n\"And\u2014\" Royal prompted. \"Spill it.\"\n\nLike a pent-up gusher, Neeley's words spewed out. \"Okay, yeah, I climbed in that balcony window on the second floor, and I was just tippy-toein' easy, checkin' things out when jeezus! There she was, walkin' right by the top of the stairs. She saw me, shrieked like a banshee, backed up and went flyin.\" Neeley leaned forward, his wide-eyed expression all innocence. \"Honest, Royal, you gotta' believe me. I had nothin' to do with her fall. She musta caught her foot in that long nightgown she was wearin' and went head over heels down, her arms flyin' like a windmill, long robe flapping, bouncin' over and over down those steps. It was like watching a slow-motion movie.\" Neeley covered his eyes with his hands. \"Jeezus, it was awful. I can still hear her head hit that post. Sounded like when kids used to smash pumpkins on the sidewalk.\"\n\nBile surged up into Royal's throat at the thought of this scumbag causing Grace Temple's fragile old body to topple down that long, steep staircase. He swallowed, his hands fisting under the table. He began to speak, had to stop, swallowed, tried again. \"And then what? You just split. Left her to die.\"\n\n\"Hell, no, I didn't. What d'you think I am? I went down there to see if I could help her but she was dead.\"\n\n\"How did\u2014 How did you know? Maybe she wasn't. Maybe you could have saved her.\"\n\nNeeley shook his head. \"Nah. I know dead.\" He looked at Royal. \"C'mon. What could I do? Yeah, I split out of there faster than I ever moved in my life. I swiped that windowsill clean and beat it down the trellis. I'm just a thief, Royal. I ain't no murderer, but who'd believe my story? I can see in your eyes that you don't.\"\n\nRoyal was quiet for a moment, getting himself under control. He rubbed the back of his neck. \"Oh, I believe you, Sam. I do.\" He stared at the wall behind Neeley's head. \"But that doesn't bring her back, does it.\"\n\nThey were both silent until Royal said, \"You're in big trouble with the Feds over kidnapping Toni. That's a given. How stupid could you be? Don't even try to answer that.\" He stood, paced. \"I can't do anything about those charges, but maybe I can help you some about Grace Temple's death. If you'll tell me how you knew about the diamonds, who gave you that information. My offer's on the table, but it won't be there for long.\"\n\nNeeley crossed his arms over his chest. Clamped his lips closed, didn't speak.\n\nRoyal continued, leaning over the table, his face close to Neeley's. \"Who's your contact? How did they find you here? And what exactly did they want you to do? I'm guessing you were supposed to take the diamonds and disappear. Did you think any farther than that? Did you know how you could get rid of them? You can't just sell one or two raw diamonds off now and then and not have somebody notice.\" He stopped, pounded the metal table with his fist. \"Dammit! Talk to me.\"\n\nNeeley jumped back, then stuck out his chin. \"Hell, Royal, who do you think you are? You really think you can help me? You can't. I'm safer in here than outside. If I tell you anything and they find out, they'll kill me sure.\"\n\nRoyal snorted. \"That's bad movie talk.\"\n\n\"Maybe. But that's what she said, and I believe her.\"\n\nNow we're getting somewhere. Royal sat, leaned forward. \"Who's this she?\"\n\nSam's shoulders slumped. \"I don't know. Damn tall redhead in the shortest skirt you ever saw. She never told me her name.\"\n\nRoyal waited, frowning. Redhead? Monica Asher? Here? He felt a surge of triumph. I knew it!\n\n\"Wish to God I'd never met her. I was just having a beer at some corner bar over on the northeast side of town.\" Neeley rubbed the heels of his hands in his eyes and rocked back and forth on his chair. \"Should've known somebody like her would have nothin' to do with the likes of me. Pretty. Smooth. Great legs.\" He sighed, shook his head. \"She must have followed me there, now I think about it. Asked me if I was looking for work. Sounded like a movie star, all husky and that.\" Neeley cleared his throat. \"Can I have a glass of water?\"\n\n\"When we're finished here. Go on.\"\n\n\"Just like that she asked, 'How'd you like to split two million worth of uncut diamonds?' I almost fell off my stool. Felt like I'd won the lottery without even buying a ticket. 'Have another beer on me,' she said. 'I'm for real. We split the diamonds, you go your way, I go mine, and we never see each other again.' Hell, Royal, I had to find out more. Wouldn't you?\"\n\nRoyal nodded. Waited.\n\n\"By the time we had a couple more beers and she got to telling me about the guy with the silver Porsche, I realized she was talking about my old roommate. She said you had diamonds, lots of diamonds, and all I had to do was kidnap Toni Dresser 'cause you were sweet on her. You know the rest.\" Neeley chewed on his ragged thumbnail. \"'But you've gotta be smooth,' she said. 'If things go wrong they'll kill us both.' Guess you know things went wrong.\"\n\n\"Listen up.\" Royal said. \"Make no mistake: if they want to kill you, they will. In here or outside. I'd like to stop them.\"\n\n\"I don't even know who they are.\" Neeley closed his eyes. \"You can't stop them. She said so. Said they'll kill her, too.\"\n\n\"Think they won't anyway? Tell me more about this she.\"\n\nNeeley swallowed, looked away.\n\n\"Sam.\" Royal leaned closer. \"People are dying. Just because they're halfway across the world and you can't see them, they are. Kids are losing their parents. Starving. All because of greed. Diamond greed. She's part of it. And now you are, too. Damn it, look at me.\"\n\nNeeley shut his eyes.\n\n\"You got caught up in that greed. Sounded easy, didn't it? Nab Toni, get diamonds. Split the take. Disappear.\"\n\nNeeley nodded, bit his lip. \"Too easy. Should'a known.\"\n\n\"Hindsight's always twenty-twenty.\"\n\nNeeley bit his lip, hugged himself, stared at Royal. \"You really think they could get to me in here?\"\n\n\"Easy. A sharpened spoon in the exercise area. A pill in your potatoes. Sam, these kind of people don't play games.\"\n\n\"I know.\" Neeley's shoulders slumped. He looked up to meet Royal's eyes. \"She was so damn pretty. Shiny red hair, long legs...\"\n\n\"How were you supposed to contact her once you had the diamonds?\"\n\nNeeley bit off a piece of his thumbnail, examined it, flicked it away. \"I wasn't. She was going to contact me.\"\n\nRoyal stood up, put his hands in his back pockets, paced. \"Sam, you've been a grifter all your life. It never occurred to you that this time you were the pigeon?\"\n\n\"Should've, shouldn't it? But she was\u2014\"\n\n\"I know, so damn pretty. Think, Sam. There must have been something about her that you remember. Besides red hair and legs. Something she wore.\"\n\n\"She didn't wear much.\" Sam rubbed his forehead, then looked up. Royal felt a glimmer of hope. \"Well, there was one thing.\"\n\nRoyal waited.\n\n\"It's dumb.\"\n\n\"Dumb can be helpful.\"\n\n\"She had a Mickey Mouse tattoo on her ankle,\" Sam said. \"I think that's what it was. I didn't get a close look.\"\n\n\"How big? Left or right ankle?\"\n\nSam frowned, moved as if to imagine her on a stool beside him, made a circle with his thumb and finger. \"About so big. On her left.\"\n\n\"Anything else?\"\n\n\"Swear to God, Royal. What's the difference? She's probably long gone by now, lookin' for another pigeon somewheres.\"\n\n\"If she's smart she probably is. But maybe not.\"\n\n\"Any results?\" Phil Carson looked up from his desk as Royal rapped on the open door. \"Whoa. Looks like you learned something you didn't like.\"\n\n\"Right. Mind if I sit?\" Royal ran his hand through his dark hair.\n\n\"Sure.\" Carson sat back and waited.\n\n\"What I said about Neeley being a second-story man? I was right.\"\n\nBrows raised, Carson leaned forward.\n\n\"Neeley spilled it all. He was there that night, in the house. Climbed in that upstairs window off the balcony.\"\n\n\"He told you that?\" Carson frowned. \"Nothing was missing. There was no evidence of a forced entry. No unidentified prints anywhere.\"\n\nRoyal nodded. \"Wasn't forced. The window was open. He thought the house was empty, sneaked in, scared Grace Temple just at the top of the stairs. She lost her balance and fell.\"\n\n\"Sure she did.\" Carson narrowed his eyes at Royal. \"The old 'I'm innocent' plea. You believe him?\"\n\nRoyal heaved a sigh. \"Yeah, I do.\"\n\n\"Then he just took off? Left her there?\" Carson scowled. \"Could have called 911.\"\n\n\"He knew she was dead. Knew he'd be blamed. Split like the coward he is.\" Royal pounded his fist into his other palm. \"Dammit, I just knew she hadn't fallen on her own. At least, now I know what really happened. Neeley's not a murderer, Detective, just a rotten would-be thief.\" He sighed. \"But Grace Temple is just as dead as if he killed her on purpose.\"\n\nCarson nodded. \"I'm sorry, Stewart. I really liked your aunt. Everybody did.\"\n\n\"So I've heard.\" Royal got up. \"Do you know anything about a leggy redhead with a Mickey Mouse tattoo on her left ankle?\"\n\nCarson snorted. \"This just gets better and better. I think I do, if you mean the woman that just held a gun on Toni at Wannabe a little while ago, looking for information about you.\"\n\n\"What?\" Royal took a step back, his heart pounding in trip hammer mode. \"When? Was Toni hurt?\"\n\n\"No. Just disgusted, from what she told me on the phone. The woman's gone.\"\n\n\"That changes things, Carson. That redhead is Monica Asher. She's Neeley's contact and she's involved in the kidnapping right up to her ears. She's here somewhere.\" Possibly at Andrews', but he couldn't bring Andrews into the conversation. Yet. \"We have to find her.\"\n\nCarson rubbed his face with both hands. \"Yeah. We're working on that as we speak.\"\n\nRoyal sat down again. \"Personal favor here, Detective,\" Royal said. \"I want Neeley's involvement with Grace Temple's fall to go away. Will you take care of that?\"\n\nCarson's mouth dropped open. \"Why, for God's sake? He caused her death!\"\n\n\"I know. But it wasn't intentional. And he gave me a lead I need.\"\n\nCarson sighed, shook his head. \"What is it about this guy? Toni came in and gave her statement. Didn't even want to press charges until I insisted. She actually feels sorry for him.\" The detective stared out the window for a moment, then nodded. \"I don't like it, but okay.\"\n\nRoyal nodded. \"Thanks.\"\n\nCarson grinned. \"Yeah. I almost feel sorry for him. He's the poster boy for stupid.\"\nChapter Thirty\n\nShould she call Royal? Toni shook her head. No. Shouldn't he call me? Even just to know how I am?\n\nToni paced the small area of her workroom from the window to the wall, around the measuring counter, from the wall to the window, back again. Damn the man! For all she knew he'd left the planet. But didn't he deserve to know a crazy redhead was gunning\u2014literally\u2014for him? Or at least for information about him. Wasn't Toni obligated to let him know about that interesting little encounter?\n\n\"Enough, already,\" Toni muttered to Midnight, working up a healthy snit as she strode. \"It's just damn time to find out what's going on. I'm the one that got kidnapped and could have died from wild dogs or pneumonia, take your pick. And what's all this secrecy about diamonds, anyway?\" She kicked the table leg, sending Midnight streaking into the other room. \"They're just rocks, for God's sake.\"\n\nBefore Toni could react to a sudden jangle of chimes and quick footsteps crossing to the workroom, she was engulfed in Royal's strong arms so tightly she could hardly breathe.\n\n\"Toni! You're all right?\" Still holding her, he pushed her back just enough to fasten those fathomless blue eyes on her face. \"I thought\u2014Carson told me about the woman.\"\n\nShe caught her breath at the concern in his voice. He does care. She wanted to melt against him, knowing how good that would feel. Instead, still miffed, she shrugged out of his arms to put room between them. \"I guess Phil didn't waste any time telling you about my visitor, did he? How nice that you have a relationship with the locals. At least you're communicating with someone.\" I sound like a fishwife and I don't care. Why haven't you called me?\n\n\"Just tell me what happened.\" Royal's voice was gruff. \"Did she hurt you? Are you all right?\"\n\n\"I'm fine, thanks for asking.\" Finally. \"But that redhead's out to find you, and I don't think it will be pleasant when she does. So, who is she?\" Toni narrowed her eyes to study his face. \"I can see she's no surprise. You do know her. Okay, give. Give all.\"\n\n\"I can't, and I am sorry. I don't know her. I can only tell you that I'm looking for her. That she's connected with Neeley, and probably was the master-mind behind your kidnapping.\"\n\nToni took a deep breath, fisted her hands on her hips and put up her chin. \"Really. Guess she just forgot to mention that. Well, listen up, Bucko. First off, I'm sick and tired of being involved in something I know nothing about, so let's just clear the air here. You've got diamonds, or have access to them. What's the deal about that?\" Without giving him time to answer she stepped forward, put her nose up to his and let the words fly. \"You're some special ops guy with connections to something bigger than what usually goes on in little old Green Bay, but nobody, not even the police, is supposed to know what that's about, either. You pop up out of nowhere and inherit a house to die for and all the money a man can possibly use, but that's not enough\u2014\"\n\n\"Whoa!\" Royal backed off, palms up, and she saw that annoying quirk at the corner of his mouth. He was amused with her! \"I came to find out what happened and if you were all right, not to be lit on by a feisty female.\" He actually grinned and put his hands in the back pockets of his jeans. \"Not that I mind feisty. It's sexy as hell.\"\n\n\"Oh, it is, is it?\" Toni nearly shouted, her eyes flashing. \"Well, here's feisty for you.\" She took another step and punched her pointed finger hard into his solid chest. \"Either you open up and be straight with me, or get out of my life. How's that for\u2014\" But her words were cut off by his lips against hers. His hands threaded through her hair, holding her still, molding her mouth to his. The kiss was hard and electric and weakened her knees, and her body reacted to his as though it were nourishment she'd been denied.\n\n\"Toni,\" he groaned, and plundered again, his mouth on hers. \"My Toni. Thank God you're safe.\"\n\nDid he say, My Toni? She tried to turn her head away, to get her breath, to stop the onslaught of emotion that drummed through her body, but now his hands were on her back, on her arms, pulling her into a vortex of sensation. Her body answered his, remembering, needing more, yearning for his mouth, his tongue.\n\nHe gave, she took. Her arms were around his neck, pulling him in, deeper, wilder, pleading for more, more...\n\nWhen he lifted her to the measuring table and stripped her T-shirt off over her head she knew she was lost.\n\n\"The door\u2014\" was all she managed to say before her world was all Royal, and warmth and ecstasy. No, not lost. She gave herself up to the moment. Found.\n\n****\n\nThe next afternoon Black Suit's surprise was evident over the telephone. \"You've been successful? Already?\"\n\n\"As far as the money. Movement tracked and documented,\" answered Royal, pushing the Send button on his fax machine. \"Enough on Bryce Andrews to put him away. Details are on the way to you as we speak. And I have a lead on Monica Asher. I believe she's still here, probably at Andrews' place. I hope to apprehend both of them at once.\"\n\n\"Good work. As usual. How soon can we wrap this up? We want the Andrews-Sierra Leone connection stopped once and for all.\"\n\n\"As do I.\" For more than one reason. Royal gazed at the elegant script on the still-unopened envelope on his desk. He wasn't sure what kept him from delving into it. Was he afraid of what he would find? \"There are some things I need to clear up here first. Andrews isn't going anywhere. He thinks he's above suspicion. I'm pretty sure Asher thinks she is, too.\"\n\nBlack Suit chuckled. \"They'll get a rude awakening, then. On a different note, have things turned out all right for Miss Dresser?\"\n\nRoyal pictured Toni's incredible bounce-back after what happened on Halloween. Grinned as he thought of their equally incredible sex on Wannabe's measuring table. \"Amazingly so.\"\n\n\"Have you involved Carson on any of this?\"\n\n\"Some. No more than necessary. There's a crossover because of the kidnapping.\"\n\n\"Yes, there would be.\"\n\n\"That was Asher's idea. She recruited Neeley. I doubt if Andrews even knew about that plan.\"\n\n\"Really. And you think she's with him now.\"\n\nRoyal said, \"I'd bet a box of diamonds on it.\"\n\nBlack Suit laughed. \"And you just happen to have one?\"\n\n\"I do. Not sure why these weren't switched into money like the others, but yes, I have them for you. And they really are the last.\" He paused for emphasis. \"We're together on that, right?\"\n\nA pause. \"Regrettably, yes.\"\n\n\"Fine. I'll set up the arrest. For tonight.\"\n\n\"You're bringing Carson in?\"\n\n\"Have to. His territory, his SWAT team.\"\n\n\"Your collar, your choice.\" Black Suit paused. \"Good luck, Stewart. It's been a pleasure working with you.\"\n\nRoyal broke the connection. Pleasure? Sometimes, when an assignment was over and all had gone well. Not so pleasant when it hadn't. He rubbed the stubble on the side of his jaw. Okay, wrap this up, Stewart. Then move on. To Toni.\n\n****\n\nHolding the letter and contract for publication she'd received in the day's mail, Toni moved into her living room to nurse a glass of Chardonnay and watch the sun dip toward the horizon. She'd read both documents a dozen times, done a little happy dance around Wannabe, and called Drea, who wasn't surprised at her success. She'd called Jack, who wasn't surprised either, and told her so with pride in his voice. \"Never a doubt, sis,\" he'd said. \"It was only a matter of time.\" Then she called her mother who was surprised and said, \"What book are you talking about, Toni? You've written a book? What kind of book? My goodness, you haven't said a word!\"\n\n\"I know, Mom. It's not a blockbuster novel, or anything like that.\" She explained the patterns she'd been working on for more than a year. \"Getting published seemed too much to hope for and I didn't want you to be as disappointed for me as I would be when I got rejected.\"\n\n\"But you didn't get rejected.\" Toni could hear the delight in her mother's voice. \"My daughter, published! Wait 'til I tell Dad. Congratulations! We'll celebrate when you come for Thanksgiving. You are coming, aren't you, Toni? Jack's bringing his new girl, you know.\"\n\n\"I've heard. I wasn't sure about that until just recently, Mom. Not so sure about me. I'll let you know.\" She hung up, adding to herself, I wish I could bring Royal. But the one person Toni really wanted to tell about her book was gone again, probably on some consulting job. He could be anywhere, doing anything, and how would she know? After they'd made love at Wannabe\u2014just the memory of it brought a surge of heat to her face\u2014he'd said, \"In spite of what you think, I don't want secrets between us. That just hasn't been possible. I'll be gone for a few days, but when I come back I have something I want to share with you.\"\n\n\"Really.\" She'd had trouble keeping her voice steady when her heart was still hammering from the passionate assault of his lips, his clever hands. \"That will be a first.\"\n\nHis mouth quirked again, bringing her back to reality. \"The first of many, I hope.\" Then his eyes had darkened and she couldn't doubt the sincerity in his voice that warmed her all through. \"You mean the world to me, Toni. You must know that.\"\n\nRemembering, Toni smiled and toasted the sunset with her wine. Then she bit her lip. But he didn't say he loves me. \"To possibilities,\" she murmured, her glance falling on the sport coat Bryce had left with her after their date to see Chorus Line. She'd been putting off returning it, but tonight would be as good a time as any. She'd have a quick dinner, then run the jacket to his place and politely refuse any more dates. In spite of what Bryce wanted, their relationship was ended and the sooner he understood that, the better. Royal Stewart was her future, if she could make that happen, and there was no room in it for Bryce.\n\n****\n\n\"Toni!\" Bryce's pleased surprise was evident when she appeared on his condo doorstep, his sport coat over her arm. \"I was just thinking about you. Come in, come in, let me fix you a drink.\" He ushered her into the foyer with a possessive hand on her arm. \"This is great. I've been hoping to see you.\"\n\nToni hesitated inside the door. \"No need for the drink, Bryce. I didn't come to visit. I'm just returning your jacket.\" She smiled and handed it to him. \"Thanks.\"\n\n\"You're welcome.\" His expression smug, he said, \"You probably knew I left it on purpose. And as you can see, my little plan worked, didn't it? Here you are.\" He draped the coat over the back of a chair. \"Now, don't rush away. Surely you can spare a little time to spend with an old friend.\"\n\n\"You're not busy?\" She glanced into his immaculate great room\u2014as usual, not a thing out of place, except\u2014she blinked... What was that? A pair of women's stiletto-heeled boots lay flopped over beside his elegant couch. Toni raised her eyebrows. \"Sure you're not entertaining?\"\n\n\"Ah.\" He had the grace to flush. \"Unfortunately, my houseguest isn't as neat as I'd like,\" he said. \"My cousin's in town for a few days. I'd introduce you, but she's resting.\"\n\n\"I didn't know you had any relatives, Bryce. In all the time we spent together, you've never mentioned any. Where's she from?\"\n\nHe hesitated, frowning, then said as though he'd just remembered, \"Omaha, I think, now. But she travels a lot, you never know where she might put down roots or when she might pop up. So, how about that drink? I was just going to make one for myself.\"\n\nToni relented. \"Just one. A light one. I have some news that might interest you.\"\n\n\"Anything you have to say will interest me, you know that.\" He gestured toward his wet bar. \"Come in and tell me. My life has been dull without you.\"\n\nDull? Globe-trotting Bryce Andrews? Somehow Toni doubted that, but followed him to his elegant entertainment center, where he flipped a switch to bring soft background music from overhead speakers. She leaned her elbows on the raised bar and watched him mix drinks and slice slivers from a juicy lime. It was hard to keep the pride out of her voice. \"I've sold a book, Bryce.\"\n\n\"Well!\" He looked up, his eyes widening. \"It seems that there are things neither of us ever mentioned. You're going to be published?\" He chuckled. \"I'll bet it's a love story. You always were a hopeless romantic. Tell me all about it.\"\n\nShe laughed, though stung a bit at his derisive tone. Of course he wouldn't think she was capable of writing anything serious. \"It's a book of patterns, Bryce, for fashioning unusual costumes. It will come out next year. I still have to finish the final artwork, but that won't take long.\"\n\n\"You never cease to surprise me, Toni. I'm flattered that you came to tell me. Come, let's sit.\" Carrying their drinks, he led the way to the bistro table in the bowed window alcove. He touched his glass to hers, sending a crystal tink floating through the room. \"This calls for congratulations.\"\n\nBut his congratulations sounded hollow. Actually, he sounds just a little jealous. Or miffed that I did something without his permission? Toni dismissed that thought; the days of Bryce Andrews giving her permission were long over.\n\nShe grinned. \"Sometimes I even surprise myself.\"\n\nThey were chatting amicably over their drinks when without warning the door to Bryce's guest wing slammed open. Toni jumped and nearly choked on her gimlet when she stared up at the scowling redhead who had threatened her with a gun only days before.\n\n\"What the hell is she doing here!\" the woman demanded, pointing a long red-tipped finger at Toni.\n\nToni sputtered, \"This is your cousin from Omaha?\"\n\n\"Cousin! Omaha!\" Monica Asher squealed. \"What the hell have you been telling her, Bryce?\"\n\n****\n\nOutside Andrews' condo, the moonless night was dark and quiet in the elegant complex where Phil Carson slowed the police cruiser to a stop under an overhanging oak branch.\n\nRoyal, riding shotgun, leaned forward and pounded his fist on the dashboard. \"Dammit!\"\n\nCarson flinched. \"What!\"\n\nRoyal's thoughts spun at the sight of Toni's van parked at Andrews' unit. Why would she be here now, of all times? Why would she be here at all? Hadn't she said she was through with him? The thought that she could be involved in Andrews' money laundering hit Royal like a hammer blow before he dismissed it. Then an even more unwelcome thought took its place and unreasonable jealousy surged through him. Was she here to rekindle her relationship with Andrews because Royal hadn't been forthcoming about his past? Settle down, don't get your back up, he told himself. Maybe she and Andrews are still friends. But damn! Of all the nights for her to come visiting.\n\nHe'd set up this sting knowing Andrews would be home and that Asher was staying with him...and now suddenly Toni was thrown into the mix. He closed his eyes. He didn't want her to get hurt. More than anything, he didn't want that.\n\nThe SWAT team's hulking armored Bearcat slid silently to the curb behind the cruiser. Everything was in place. SWAT was ready to roll. In only a matter of minutes this whole operation should be over.\n\nCarson raised his eyebrows. \"What's the holdup, Stewart? Give SWAT the signal and let's get this show going before all the neighbors pop out to see what's going on.\"\n\n\"We can't.\" Royal rubbed his forehead. \"Toni's in there.\"\n\n\"Toni!\" Carson exclaimed, eyes wide. He scowled at Royal. \"How do you know?\"\n\nHe pointed. \"That's her van.\"\n\n\"You think she's part of\u2014\"\n\nRoyal cut him off. \"No! But she's in there just the same.\"\n\nCarson scowled, huffed out a breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. \"That complicates things. Our easy-in, easy-out won't be so simple.\"\n\n\"And we know Asher's got a gun. Probably Andrews does, too.\"\n\n\"You think he'd hurt Toni?\" Carson's voice was strained.\n\nRoyal groaned. \"God, I'd hope not. They were together for more than a year. He must have feelings for her.\"\n\n\"Can't we get her out of there? Call her cell, give her a reason to meet you. Now.\"\n\n\"Right.\" Royal pulled out his phone and directed the voice activator: \"Call Toni Dresser.\"\n\nA hum. Then: \"Calling Toni Dresser.\" Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Click. \"You've reached Toni Dresser. Please leave a message.\"\n\nBehind the Bearcat an FVTV van pulled up.\n\nCarson growled, \"How in the hell did the media hear about this? We barely got here ourselves.\"\n\n****\n\nInside Andrews' condo, Toni frowned at Bryce, processing this almost laughable development. The redhead was Bryce's cousin? Toni didn't think so. But what was going on? Phil Carson said the police were looking for her in connection with Neeley and the kidnapping. What did that have to do with Bryce?\n\nThe sudden quiet after Asher's unexpected entrance was broken by the ring of Toni's phone. She automatically reached for her purse but before she got to it she felt cold steel at her temple and remembered the little pearl-handled weapon the woman had brandished in Wannabe. Every nerve in Toni's body tensed.\n\n\"Don't touch that phone!\" Asher demanded. \"Let it go.\"\n\nBuzz. Buzz.\n\n\"Monica, for God's sake!\" Bryce shoved away from the table and reached for the woman's arm. \"What are you doing? You're high again. Go back to your room, sleep it off.\" He tried to smile at Toni but couldn't make it real. \"She's got a problem,\" he said. \"I'm trying to get her into rehab.\"\n\n\"Rehab!\" Asher shrieked, turning the gun on him. \"Me? Rehab? Stay right there, you sniveling coward! Why'd you let this woman in, anyway? Now she's seen me here with you. We've got to get rid of her. She's trouble for both of us.\"\n\nToni stared at Bryce, uncomprehending. What hold did this woman have over him? \"Bryce\u2014\"\n\n\"Shut up and stand up, bitch.\" Asher stepped back and pointed the gun at Toni, waved it in the general direction of Bryce for just a moment and said, \"Get some rope, or duct tape. Something to tie her up.\"\n\n\"Monica, stop. Think.\" Bryce stood his ground. \"You're way out of line here. We don't need to do this.\"\n\nAsher scowled, aimed the gun back at Toni. \"Yes, we do. Move!\"\n\n****\n\n\"Damn!\" Royal swore again. \"She's not picking up.\"\n\n\"Go to the door, then. Tell her anything to get her out,\" said Carson. \"Toni's had more than enough trouble lately and the last thing we need is to have this escalate into a hostage situation.\"\n\n\"Wearing this?\" Royal gestured to his body armor. \"Andrews will know something's up.\"\n\n\"Better that than Toni should be hurt. Go! I'll handle the damn reporters.\"\n\nRoyal slid out of the cruiser, waved a \"hold up\" sign to the SWAT vehicle and jogged to Andrews' door, wishing he were tall enough to see through the fan-shaped transom window. He rang the bell. Waited. No response.\n\nRang it again. Please God let Toni be all right.\n\nNo response.\n\nAnother TV van pulled up behind the first. Cheri Drew, police beat reporter, headed for Carson, who physically barred her way. Royal heard him say, \"No closer. That's an order.\"\n\n\"Chief, can you tell us what's going on?\" she asked, waving her microphone toward him. \"Who's inside?\"\n\n\"You'll know when we've stabilized the situation. Until then, stay out of the way.\"\n\n****\n\n\"Better answer that,\" Toni said at the sound of the doorbell. Her mouth was so dry she could hardly speak. \"Lights are on, people will wonder.\"\n\n\"As if I care.\" Asher scoffed. \"Let them.\"\n\n\"She's right, Monica,\" Andrews said, moving toward Asher, his voice quiet. \"Just be calm. Put the gun away.\"\n\nToni didn't move a muscle. That's the way, Bryce. Good move. Stay quiet. Bring her down.\n\nAsher was calmer now, holding the gun steady. \"I'm in the driver's seat here.\" She scowled at Toni. \"Jesus! What does Bryce see in you anyway?\"\n\nCertainly not what he sees in you. The woman's eyes were so dilated they appeared to have no color at all.\n\nThe doorbell rang again. And again.\n\nWhoever it was, was insistent. Toni swallowed. \"Look, let's be reasonable. Answer the door. I'll leave, and you and Bryce can straighten out whatever your problem is. You can sleep it off\u2014\"\n\nLoud pounding rattled the house, accompanied by, \"Andrews! Open up!\"\n\nWas that Royal's voice? Without thinking, Toni yelled, \"Help! Royal! She's got a gun!\"\n\n\"Bitch! I said shut up!\" Asher swiped the steel across Toni's face.\n\nShe stumbled back, feeling blood ooze down her cheek. Why was Royal here? Was this all part of what he couldn't\u2014wouldn't\u2014tell her?\n\n\"Andrews!\" More heavy pounding. \"Police!\"\n\nAndrews stepped toward Asher. \"Stop this, for God's sake! You're acting crazy!\" He held his hands out, palms flat with a calming motion. \"Monica, put down the gun.\"\n\n\"Monica, put down the gun,\" she mimicked, swinging her shoulders and waving the weapon. \"Put that to music. It'll be a hit.\"\n\nWhatever she's on, she's beyond reason. \"Bryce, don't\u2014\"\n\nHe ignored Toni and took another step, holding out his hand. \"Give me the gun. Please.\"\n\n\"Please.\" She snorted. \"Did you hear that, Miz Dresser? 'Please,' he says so nicely.\"\n\nAndrews lunged.\n\nFor such a small weapon, the noise it made was far too loud.\n\nTime stopped.\n\nAndrews slumped to the floor. A red stain spread across his chest.\n\n****\n\nRoyal's heart lurched at the sound of the shot. Please God, don't let Toni have been hit. He swung around, gesturing, \"Come!\" with both hands. The helmeted, black-suited SWAT team swarmed out of the Bearcat like angry spiders from a disturbed nest. In seconds four circled the condo to cover the back and an armed man was stationed on either side of the door. Royal stepped aside as two more swung into action, splintering the door with a battering ram.\n\nRoyal's body moved automatically through the tactics he knew so well but his mind was on Toni. If she was hurt...\n\nShouting, \"Police! Put down your weapons!\" he surged into the living area, followed by Phil Carson and two of the SWAT team.\n\nRoyal pulled up short.\n\nAndrews lay motionless on the floor, a dark puddle forming beside his body. Wild-eyed Monica Asher held Toni in front of her with a gun at Toni's throat.\n\nAsher's chuckle was diabolical. \"Well. If it isn't the elusive Royal Stewart. I've been wanting to meet you. Looks like I might get my hands on those diamonds after all.\" She chuckled again. \"If you want to see Miss Prissy here alive, you and your flunkies better put down your guns.\"\n\nAll Royal's experience with hostage negotiation didn't seem relevant when the woman he loved\u2014yes, loved\u2014was being held at gunpoint by a hopped-up druggie. He nodded, slowly lowering his weapon to the floor and motioning Carson and the two men behind him to do the same.\n\nHe kept his voice calm though a million nerve ends tingled throughout his body. \"Take it easy here. Let me call an ambulance, okay? You don't want a murder on your hands.\"\n\n\"It's not murder when it's a rodent,\" Asher sneered. \"I hate those creepy little devils.\" She grinned, almost giggled. \"Except for Mickey Mouse, of course.\" She pushed out her leg to show off her ankle tattoo. \"He's cool. Well...\" She snorted. \"Looks like we have a situation here, don't we, Stewart?\"\n\n\"It seems we do.\" Royal nodded, keeping his voice level, his hands at his sides, his gaze signaling \"hold on\" to Toni. \"You're the one with the gun. What do you want?\"\n\n\"What I've always wanted. The diamonds. Would have had them if Neeley\u2014now there's a real rodent for you\u2014hadn't screwed up. I get the rocks, and you get\u2014\" She jabbed the barrel harder up under Toni's chin, \"\u2014her.\"\n\nSirens split the night and Royal realized that Carson must have called for an ambulance when he heard the gunshot.\n\n\"Let's get Andrews some help, first,\" Royal said. \"Then you and I can\u2014\"\n\nShe cut him off. \"You and I? You and I? You want to play nice?\" She poked the gun harder into Toni's throat and laughed, a witch-cackle that sent shivers down Royal's spine.\n\n****\n\nToni felt them, too, her thoughts swirling.\n\nWas Bryce dead? He hadn't made a move, not even a twitch since he'd hit the floor like a felled tree. He'd looked astonished, as though he'd never believe Asher would actually shoot him. Toni tried not to look at the dark spreading puddle soaking into the elegant Oriental rug. In spite of all the CSI and Law & Order shows she'd watched, she didn't have a clue as to how to get away from this drugged-up nutcase. Shutting her eyes, Toni let her thoughts swirl, searching for an idea. Somehow she had to distract Asher without getting shot. A split second would be all Royal needed to disarm the woman. What was it she'd said about hating rodents?\n\nTime had stopped again. Toni, Asher, Royal, Carson and two SWAT men were posed like statues in a freeze frame. Soft music floated over them inside; sirens came to a burping halt outside the condo.\n\nHoping with all her heart that Royal was tuned in to her wavelength, Toni squealed, \"Ooh! A mouse! Monica! A mouse just ran into your boot!\"\n\n\"Mouse! Where!\" Asher jerked to look and squeezed off a shot that flipped one of her boots a foot in the air.\n\nRoyal covered the distance between them with a leap and chopped the gun from Asher's hand. In seconds he had pinned her wrists, cuffed them behind her and handed her over to Carson. \"She's all yours,\" he growled, then shouted, \"Get the medics in here!\"\n\n\"Shit!\" muttered Asher, glowering at Toni. \"You bitch. There was no mouse.\"\n\nToni raised her eyebrows and shrugged. \"Could've been.\" Then she grinned. \"Bet you won't be wearing those boots again.\"\n\nIn moments the EMT men were checking Andrews for vital signs, lifting him onto a stretcher.\n\nToni's knees gave way and she sank onto the velvet couch, covering her face with her hands before she realized her cheek was still oozing blood.\n\n\"Good distraction, Toni.\" Royal was beside her. \"Let me see.\" He tipped up her chin and blotted the blood with his handkerchief. \"I'm sorry you got involved in this.\"\n\n\"Me, too.\" She felt the concern in his eyes and his touch and, for the first time since Monica Asher had burst into the room, felt safe.\n\n\"Thank God it's just a scratch.\" Royal's voice was rough. \"How'd this happen?\"\n\n\"She did it with her gun,\" Toni answered, remembering the fury in Asher's face. \"Guess it was something I said.\"\n\nShielding their eyes against the TV spotlight, Royal and Toni walked outside where crime scene tape was being strung to block off the area around Andrews' condo. Curious neighbors watched from their doors as the SWAT team climbed back into the Bearcat and pulled away.\n\nReporters clamored for information but Carson, muscling a cursing Monica Asher toward the police cruiser, ignored their questions and stated, \"You'll have details as soon as I can give them to you. That's all for now.\" He stowed Asher, still seething, into the back seat and turned to Toni. \"I'll need your statement to wrap this up. Yours, too, Stewart. Are you okay to come down to the station?\"\n\n\"Not now. Save it 'til morning, Carson,\" said Royal, his arm around Toni's shoulders. \"Right now I'm taking her home.\"\n\n\"Right.\" Carson's voice was gruff. \"Thank God you're all right, Toni. I'll see you tomorrow.\"\n\nFor once, Toni didn't mind having a man take charge. Royal ushered her into the passenger seat of her van and took over the driving. Funny how having a pistol at your throat changes your perspective. She leaned back, closed her eyes and blanked out until the van came to a stop. When she looked up to see Temple House, she protested, \"You said you were taking me home.\"\n\n\"Yes. I just didn't say whose home,\" said Royal, coming around to open her door. \"I want you here tonight, where I can hold you and keep the nightmares away.\"\n\n\"I don't have nightmares.\" She stepped onto the driveway and nearly collapsed.\n\nHe caught her and held her so close she could feel his heart pounding. \"Steady there. See how handy I can be? We're going to put this evening behind us and have a soothing drink in front of the fire.\"\n\nToni wrinkled her nose up at him. \"Are we? That sounds wonderful. And then you're going to tell me all sorts of interesting things, aren't you?\"\n\nHe paused.\n\n\"Aren't you?\" she persisted. \"Isn't it about time?\"\nChapter Thirty-One\n\nInside Temple House, Royal wrapped Toni in one of Grace's hand-stitched quilts and settled her down in front of the welcoming study fire. He gently cleaned the scrape on her face and dressed it with antibiotic cream before lowering her back on the couch. \"There, now. Stay put,\" he ordered, and went to the liquor cabinet.\n\n\"I'm fine, really,\" she protested. \"See?\" She held out her hand and then tucked it back quickly when she realized she was still shaky.\n\n\"Nerves, sweetheart. You've had a rough evening. This will help.\" Royal handed her a crystal snifter holding rich brandy that picked up highlights from the dancing flames. \"You've been through a traumatic experience. You're not fine yet, but you will be.\" He tilted her chin up and brushed his lips lightly over hers.\n\nEven that barely-there kiss set her body trembling, and this time it wasn't nerves. At least not the same kind of nerves that reacted to having a pistol at her neck. Toni sipped the liquor. It was bracing and smooth at the same time and, true to Royal's prediction, warmed her all the way to her toes. She sighed and snuggled back onto the pillows. \"Thanks. This really does help. Now tell me what just happened. All of it, not only what went on at Bryce's. Tell me all the things you've been keeping from me. Who you really are, Stone or Stewart. What you really do.\"\n\nRoyal held up a hand to stop her but she ignored it and barreled on. \"Tell me about those diamonds I was kidnapped for but never saw, and what Bryce and that crazy woman have to do each other. He said she was his cousin, but I'm sure that's not true.\"\n\n\"You're right about that.\" Royal set their snifters on the fireside table, sat beside her and took her hands in his. His eyes looked dark, almost black, in the flickering light. \"So many questions. I owe you explanations, but I can't tell you everything you want to know, not ever. That's a given you'll just have to accept. Yes, I am\u2014was\u2014an undercover agent for a government group that is off the grid. But I've told them I'm finished as of now, and they've agreed. I can tell you that my work had to do with the profits from blood diamonds\u2014do you know what they are?\" At her nod he continued, \"I've been tracking money laundered from the sale of those diamonds for a long while.\"\n\nToni frowned. \"What has that to do with Bryce? Why were you there tonight? Why the SWAT team?\"\n\nHe studied her face for a moment. \"I know you won't like hearing this, but your friend Bryce is much more than a travel agent. He's been a cartel kingpin here in the states for some time.\"\n\n\"Bryce? A kingpin? A criminal?\" Toni sat up. Had she heard right? Bryce, a money launderer?\n\nRoyal continued, \"He's made a fortune. More than one. His greed has cost many lives, both here in the states and especially in Sierra Leone, where natives, even children\u2014\" He grimaced at the memories, picturing Amalie's face, her shy smile, \"...are forced into the mines at gunpoint.\"\n\nToni stared into the fire, her memories piling up like photos in an album. Pictures of Andrews flickered through her thoughts: Bryce, smiling at the helm of his yacht, his light hair lifting carelessly in the breeze. Bryce in tennis whites, serving up a perfect ace. Bryce across her candlelit table, holding out a ruby and diamond ring, expecting a yes to his proposal. And all the time he had been a criminal, nothing better than a thug who preyed on innocents for profit. Toni felt tears welling up. \"Oh, Royal. How could I have been so wrong about him?\"\n\n\"You weren't alone. He's fooled a lot of people.\"\n\n\"So what happened tonight had been planned for some time? And I just waltzed into it?\"\n\n\"It looks that way. We knew Monica Asher was staying with Andrews. We knew he suspected nothing of the sting we had planned, though he'd been trying to investigate me. The bust tonight was supposed to be an easy in-easy out. When I saw your van\u2014\" He broke off, remembering the lurch of his heart. \"What were you doing there, anyway?\"\n\n\"I was returning his coat. It was to be the last time I'd see him.\" Then her mind flipped to Bryce's body on the floor, blood seeping from his wound. Was he alive? Maybe that really was he last time she'd see him. \"Where does the redhead fit into all this?\"\n\n\"Actually, her showing up was what blew the whistle on Andrews. They'd worked together overseas. I'm sure he never wanted her here, focusing our attention on him. For the record, I doubt he had anything to do with your kidnapping. That was her idea to walk away with the last shipment of diamonds that hadn't yet been turned into cash.\"\n\n\"I'm confused. How'd she tie up with Neeley?\"\n\nRoyal rolled his glass between his hands before answering, and Toni heard the sadness behind his words. \"Sam was an easy mark, just the kind of patsy a woman like Asher preys on. Small-time crook, always looking for the big one\u2014\" Royal stopped for a moment, then continued. \"I haven't had the chance to tell you that he was here in the house the night Grace Temple fell. He'd come in through the balcony window and surprised her at the top of the stairs. She tumbled down.\"\n\nToni gasped. \"Oh, Royal. You were so sure that wasn't an accident. You were right.\"\n\n\"Yes and no. He didn't mean to kill her, Toni. For people like Sam, unfortunate things just happen, intended or not. I asked Phil Carson to go easy on him for that, but he'll still have to pay for his part in your kidnapping.\"\n\n\"You care about Sam Neeley, don't you, Royal?\" Toni searched his face.\n\nRoyal sighed. \"I'm sorry for him. He always tried to get things the easy way.\"\n\nIn spite of her still unanswered questions, Toni's eyes were heavy. The safety after the danger, the brandy, the fire, the snuggly quilt\u2014\n\nShe roused when Royal picked her up, blanket and all.\n\n\"What are you doing?\"\n\n\"Taking you to bed, my love. You've had a big day.\"\n\n\"Um-hum,\" she nodded against his shoulder as he carried her up the stairs to his bedroom. It was delicious to be in his strong arms again, to feel that electricity that tingled through her just being near him.\n\n\"And tomorrow...\" she heard him say before she felt a warm kiss on her forehead and slipped into sleep, \"...tomorrow we have a letter to read. Together.\"\nChapter Thirty-Two\n\nToni woke to brilliant sunshine coming through the French doors to the balcony overlooking the river. Befuddled for a moment, she yawned, stretched under the coverlet and sat up, realizing she was wearing only her lacy blue bra and matching panties. Disoriented, she spotted her slacks, T-shirt and jacket on a chair near a window. From the slant of the sun's rays she decided it must be nearly midday.\n\nShe flopped back on the king-sized pillow in Royal's bed\u2014at least she supposed it was his bed. I must have been really zonked out. I don't remember anything after sitting by the fire. Then in a tumble of images, the last night's events at Bryce's plowed helter-skelter into her mind.\n\nMonica Asher bursting out of the bedroom, pulling her gun and demanding that Bryce tie Toni up. Bryce's refusal, his trying to placate the woman. The pounding on the door and Royal's voice shouting \"Open up!\" Bryce moving toward Monica. The shot. Oh, God, the shot! Bryce falling, his blood blossoming on his chest, soaking into the Oriental rug. The crash of the door splintering open. Unconsciously Toni put her fingers to her neck at the spot of Monica Asher's gunpoint. The tableau of Royal, Carson and SWAT team members caught in a freeze-frame.\n\nToni smiled, her imaginary mouse distracting Asher for the second Royal needed to disarm her. Then the medics taking Bryce away.\n\nWas he still alive? Royal would know. Toni frowned. Where was he?\n\nAs if she'd conjured him up, he came into the bedroom fully dressed and carrying two heavenly-smelling mugs. \"Ah, the princess wakes.\" He smiled and sat on the edge of the bed. \"I was beginning to worry about you.\"\n\nShe sat up to sip the coffee. \"Thanks. This is wonderful.\" She looked out the window. \"Is it as late as I think it is?\"\n\n\"That depends on how late you think it is. You slept about,\" he consulted his watch, \"thirteen hours.\"\n\n\"Thirteen hours!\" Toni exclaimed. \"I haven't slept thirteen hours since I was a teenager.\"\n\n\"Events like last night require recoup time.\"\n\n\"Oh, Royal, is Bryce\u2014\" she didn't want to say \"dead.\"\n\nHe hesitated for a moment, then said, \"I can't make this easy for you. He was alive when they got him into surgery, but it was too late. He'd lost too much blood.\"\n\nToni closed her eyes. \"I'm so sorry. That might not have happened if I hadn't been there.\"\n\n\"No use second guessing. You couldn't have known.\"\n\nToni grimaced. \"It seems there are a lot of things I couldn't have known.\"\n\n\"Ouch. Point taken.\" Royal stood. \"But we're going to remedy that as soon as you're dressed and have had breakfast. I have scones in the oven.\"\n\nToni blinked. \"You're baking scones?\"\n\n\"I am. Blueberry.\"\n\nShe handed him her mug, tossed back the covers and swung her feet to the floor. \"Out of my way, Stewart. I love blueberry scones.\"\n\nThey were delicious. So were the scrambled eggs and crispy bacon Royal whipped up to go with them. Ravenous, Toni barely spoke until her plate was clean.\n\n\"Well.\" Royal smiled across the kitchen table. \"They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. After this morning I believe that may be true for the feminine gender as well.\"\n\nToni grinned, wiped her mouth with her napkin. \"Those scones would worm their way into anybody's heart.\" She bit her lip. \"I have a confession to make, Royal.\"\n\nHe dipped his head, leaned back in his chair. \"I thought I was supposed to tell all this morning.\"\n\n\"That, too. But I need to get something off my chest first.\"\n\n\"And a lovely chest it is,\" he teased, then sobered at her serious expression. \"I'll bite. What's so important?\"\n\nToni took a deep breath and crossed her mental fingers that he wouldn't be furious. \"Well, it's really your own fault. You wouldn't answer any of my questions about you.\" The rest came out in a rush, \"So I asked Link Spencer to run a background check on you.\"\n\n\"You did? Really. And?\" His eyebrows went up and she saw that annoying quirk at the corner of his mouth. Wasn't the man going to react any more than that?\n\n\"Aren't you mad?\" she asked, almost afraid to hear his answer. \"You have every right to be.\" Then she admitted, frowning, \"Even though he didn't learn much.\"\n\n\"That's not surprising. Because the group I've worked for is very good at hiding information.\" Royal got up to put their plates in the sink and run water over them. Then he came back and reached for her hand. \"No, I'm not mad. I'd have done the same in your place. Come. I have something to share with you. Something that I hope will answer many of your questions. And many of my own.\"\n\nMystified, Toni asked, \"What is it?\"\n\n\"A letter Grace Temple left with her lawyer in case we never had the chance to talk. As you know, we didn't. Sit here.\" He directed Toni to the love seat in the study and sat beside her, holding the still sealed envelope. \"I've been waiting to open this until you were with me.\"\n\n\"I'm surprised. And flattered, I think,\" Toni said. \"Why?\"\n\n\"Because I believe it's going to be important to both of us. At least I hope so.\"\n\nAn hour later, Royal read aloud the final paragraphs of Grace Temple's long letter: \"And so, my dear Royal, now you know as much about your family as I do. I am so, so sorry I didn't find you sooner. We're all gone now, except perhaps Roger Stone (if that was really his name.) Perhaps you can find him; I was unable to do so.\n\nI loved your mother as much as if she were my own and grieved as deeply as my sister Anne and her daughter Lucille (Angela's mother, my niece) did when Angela chose to disappear from our lives. We should have\u2014probably would have\u2014accepted Roger Stone into the family, but she never gave us the chance. \"My life, my way,\" was your mother's motto from the time she was a small child. I hope the few years you had with her hold happy memories. I wish more than anything that you will find happiness in your life and that you will fill Temple House with a loving wife and many laughing children. It's been too long an empty shell. Make it a home. Your home.\n\nWith much love, your great-aunt,\n\nGrace Temple.\n\n\"Oh, Royal.\" Toni brushed away tears. \"What a wonderful letter. I'm so sorry she's gone.\"\n\nRoyal put the papers aside. \"I am, too. The connection would have meant so much to me.\" He took a deep breath. \"So now you know the family history up until my mother ran away with her lover. Let me fill in the rest for you.\" Royal got up to pace in front of the fire. \"My parents did the bunk: pulled scams, petty thievery, ditched responsibilities, hauled me along. Of course I was too young to understand that part of our life. I thought it was a blast, to tell the truth, always picking up and running to somewhere new. Always exciting. I didn't realize they were running from, not to. They died in a car wreck.\" His voice trailed off for a moment. Then he swallowed and went on. \"Running from the police in Mississippi. I was seven. With no one to claim me, I was shuffled into foster care, and believe me I wouldn't wish that on any kid.\"\n\nToni looked up at him, her heart reaching out to the little boy lost that had surfaced at times they had been together. \"But you must have gone to school. You couldn't be as successful as you are without education.\"\n\n\"Oh, yes. I was smart enough to know that street creds wouldn't get me where I wanted to go, that that kind of life wasn't for me. I worked my ass off to get through school, and with the help of grants and a head for business, got where I could see the holy grail of commercial America. Competition. Thrived on it. Still do.\"\n\nToni was quiet for a moment. \"But your Aunt Grace had all that money. Didn't she want you?\"\n\n\"Grace had no knowledge of where I spent my years in the foster system. There were good homes and not-so-good homes. As you've guessed, Sam Neeley was with me in the last one before I took off on my own.\" Royal ran a hand through his hair. \"Now you know why I've hesitated to tell you my story. It's not a past I'm proud of.\"\n\n\"But none of it was your fault.\" Toni reached up to take his hand and pulled him down beside her. \"Why do you think your parents' marriage wasn't recorded?\"\n\nRoyal shrugged and grimaced. \"The easy answer is, perhaps they never married. That would make me a bastard.\"\n\n\"I like 'love child' better,\" Toni declared. \"Do you intend to look for your father?\"\n\n\"I've tried, with no results. Believe me, I have the best resources.\" He paused. \"Or did have.\"\n\nShe frowned. \"Past tense?\"\n\n\"Yes. That's all past tense now, with Asher in custody and the Bryce Andrews connection broken. There are only a few loose threads to tie up that part of my life so I can move on.\"\n\nA few loose threads, Toni thought, her heart sinking. Is that what I am? A loose thread? What will he move on to? Will he sell Temple House and go back to his nomadic life as a business consultant? Unconsciously she covered her face with her hands. We've had wonderful sex, sure, but he's never hinted there should be more. And I want so much more.\n\n\"What's the matter, Toni?\" Royal lifted her chin, his eyes boring into hers. \"Is it all too much to take in? That I'm nothing more than a street kid with no family and no pedigree?\"\n\nShe drew in a sharp breath. \"How could you think that? Do you believe I'm that shallow?\" She searched his face. \"But I'm puzzled. Why did you wait to open Grace's letter until I was with you? You must have been crazy to know what it said.\"\n\n\"Don't you understand? I wanted you to know as much about me as I knew myself. Who I was. Who I am. What I want for the future.\"\n\nShe shook her head. \"But I don't know what that is.\"\n\n\"I do,\" he said, taking both her hands and pulling her toward him, into the depth of his brilliant blue gaze. \"You must know I love you, Toni.\"\n\nHer heart pounded like a timpani in her chest. Had he actually said the words she'd so longed to hear? She took a breath but he continued, \"No, don't speak. I think I've loved you from the moment we met. But there were so many things I had to get out of the way before I could claim that love.\" He brushed his lips like a tender promise over hers and rubbed the back of his hand down her cheek. \"What I want is us. Together. I want to marry you, to raise our family here in Temple House. To wake up to you every morning for the rest of my life.\" His eyes held hers. \"Your turn. Tell me that's what you want, too.\"\n\nTrembling, she reached up to run her fingers over his stubbled jaw, touched that tricky little quirk at the side of his mouth. \"I've never really thought this through before, but every day I help people live their wannabe dreams, and I've never put into words who or what it is I want to be.\" She hesitated, putting her thoughts in order. \"Their dreams are fleeting\u2014to become a princess, a pirate, to experience a moment in time that's over when the party ends and they take off their costume and go back to their day-to-day lives.\" She cradled his face in her palms. \"But what I want is permanent. What I wannabe is Mrs. Royal Stewart, or Stone, or whoever you may be. I can deal with your past. I want to be your future.\"\n\n\"I think we can arrange that,\" he said, pulling her into his arms. \"We'll make that future whatever we want it to be.\"\n\nBehind Royal, the afternoon sun's rays streamed through the windows, highlighting his dark head bent over hers. Toni looped her arms around his neck and looked up at him with an impish grin. \"How would you like to go to Arizona for Thanksgiving?\"\n\n# A word about the author...\n\nAlways a reader, Nancy Sweetland has been writing since she sent her first submission off at the age of thirteen. Since then she's sold over a hundred stories, won more than eighty awards for fiction and poetry, and published seven picture books and an easy-reader mystery for children.\n\nThe Door to Love, set in romantic Door County, was her first novel, published by The Wild Rose Press, Inc. in 2009. Readers will find some of the characters from that book in these pages as well.\n\nNancy is a member of the Mystery Writers of America, Romance Writers of America, the Short Mystery Fiction Society, and Wisconsin Writers. She also belongs to the Society for Children's Book Writers and Illustrators and is an instructor for the Institute of Children's Literature.\n\nNancy has seven children, five step-children, and \"many\" grandchildren. She lives in Green Bay, Wisconsin, and she loves to hear from readers.\n\nFind her at:\n\nnancysweetland@wordpress.com\nThank you for purchasing this publication of The Wild Rose Press, Inc.\n\nFor other wonderful stories of romance,\n\nplease visit our on-line bookstore at\n\nwww.thewildrosepress.com.\n\nFor questions or more information\n\ncontact us at\n\ninfo@thewildrosepress.com.\n\nThe Wild Rose Press, Inc.\n\nwww.thewildrosepress.com\n\nTo visit with authors of\n\nThe Wild Rose Press, Inc.\n\njoin our yahoo loop at\n\n<http:\/\/groups.yahoo.com\/group\/thewildrosepress\/>\n","meta":{"redpajama_set_name":"RedPajamaBook"}}
+{"text":" \n# On  \nthe Political\n\n## CHANTAL MOUFFE\n\n# On  \nthe Political\n\n###  \nFirst published 2005\n\nby Routledge\n\n2 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, OX14 4RN\n\nSimultaneously published in the USA and Canada\n\nby Routledge\n\n270 Madison Ave, New York, NY 10016\n\nRoutledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group\n\n\u00a9 2005 Chantal Mouffe\n\nAll rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilized in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers.\n\nBritish Library Cataloguing in Publication Data\n\nA catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library\n\nLibrary of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data\n\nMouffe, Chantal.\n\nOn the political \/ Chantal Mouffe.\n\np. cm\u2014(Thinking in action)\n\nIncludes bibliographical references.\n\n1. Political science\u2014Philosophy. 2. Democracy. 3. Right and left (Political  \nscience) I. Title. II. Series.\n\nJA71.M679 2005\n\n320.5\u2014dc22| 2004024746  \n---|---\n\nISBN 0-415-30520-9 (hbk)\n\nISBN 0-415-30521-7 (pbk)\nIntroduction| One  \n---|---  \n|   \n|   \nPolitics and the Political| Two  \n|   \n|   \nBeyond the Adversarial Model?| Three  \n|   \n|   \n[Current Challenges to the Post-political  \nVision](ch04.xhtml)| Four  \n|   \n|   \n[Which World Order: Cosmopolitan or  \nMultipolar?](ch05.xhtml)| Five  \n|   \n|   \nConclusion| Six  \n|   \n|   \n| Notes  \n| Index\n\n# Introduction\n\n# One\n\nIn this book I want to take issue with the view which informs the 'common sense' in a majority of Western societies: the idea that the stage of economico-political development that we have now reached constitutes a great progress in the evolution of humanity and that we should celebrate the possibilities that it opens. Sociologists claim that we have entered a 'second modernity' in which individuals liberated from collective ties can now dedicate themselves to cultivating a diversity of lifestyles, unhindered by antiquated attachments. The 'free world' has triumphed over communism and, with the weakening of collective identities, a world 'without enemies' is now possible. Partisan conflicts are a thing of the past and consensus can now be obtained through dialogue. Thanks to globalization and the universalization of liberal democracy, we can expect a cosmopolitan future bringing peace, prosperity and the implementation of human rights worldwide.\n\nI want to challenge this 'post-political' vision. My main target will be those in the progressive camp who accept this optimistic view of globalization and have become the advocates of a consensual form of democracy. Scrutinizing some of the fashionable theories which underpin the post-political Zeitgeist in a series of fields \u2013 sociology, political theory and international relations \u2013 I will argue that such an approach is profoundly mistaken and that, instead of contributing to a 'democratization of democracy', it is at the origin of many of the problems that democratic institutions are currently facing. Notions such as 'partisan-free democracy', 'dialogic democracy', 'cosmopolitan democracy', 'good governance', 'global civil society', 'cosmopolitan sovereignty', 'absolute democracy' \u2013 to quote only a few of the currently fashionable notions \u2013 all partake of a common anti-political vision which refuses to acknowledge the antagonistic dimension constitutive of 'the political'. Their aim is the establishment of a world 'beyond left and right', 'beyond hegemony', 'beyond sovereignty' and 'beyond antagonism'. Such a longing reveals a complete lack of understanding of what is at stake in democratic politics and of the dynamics of constitution of political identities and, as we will see, it contributes to exacerbating the antagonistic potential existing in society.\n\nA significant part of my argument will consist in examining the consequences of the negation of antagonism in several areas, both in theory and in politics. It is my contention that envisaging the aim of democratic politics in terms of consensus and reconciliation is not only conceptually mistaken, it is also fraught with political dangers. The aspiration to a world where the we\/they discrimination would have been overcome is based on flawed premises and those who share such a vision are bound to miss the real task facing democratic politics.\n\nTo be sure this blindness to antagonism is not new. Democratic theory has long been informed by the belief that the inner goodness and original innocence of human beings was a necessary condition for asserting the viability of democracy. An idealized view of human sociability, as being essentially moved by empathy and reciprocity, has generally provided the basis of modern democratic political thinking. Violence and hostility are seen as an archaic phenomenon, to be eliminated thanks to the progress of exchange and the establishment, through a social contract, of a transparent communication among rational participants. Those who challenged this optimistic view were automatically perceived as enemies of democracy. Few attempts have been made to elaborate the democratic project on an anthropology which acknowledges the ambivalent character of human sociability and the fact that reciprocity and hostility cannot be dissociated. And despite what we have learned through different disciplines, the optimistic anthropology is still prevalent today. For instance, more than half a century after Freud's death, the resistance to psychoanalysis in political theory is still very strong and its lessons about the ineradicability of antagonism have not yet been assimilated.\n\nI contend that the belief in the possibility of a universal rational consensus has put democratic thinking on the wrong track. Instead of trying to design the institutions which, through supposedly 'impartial' procedures, would reconcile all conflicting interests and values, the task for democratic theorists and politicians should be to envisage the creation of a vibrant 'agonistic' public sphere of contestation where different hegemonic political projects can be confronted. This is, in my view, the sine qua non for an effective exercise of democracy. There is much talk today of 'dialogue' and 'deliberation' but what is the meaning of such words in the political field, if no real choice is at hand and if the participants in the discussion are not able to decide between clearly differentiated alternatives?\n\nI have no doubt that the liberals who think that rational agreement can be reached in politics, and who see democratic institutions as the vehicle for finding the rational answer to the different problems of society, will accuse my conception of the political of being 'nihilistic'. And so will those on the ultra-left who believe in the possibility of an 'absolute democracy'. There is no point in trying to convince them that my agonistic approach is informed by the 'true' understanding of 'the political'. I will follow a different route. What I will do is bring to the fore the consequences for democratic politics of the denial of 'the political' as I define it. I will reveal how the consensual approach, instead of creating the conditions for a reconciled society, leads to the emergence of antagonisms that an agonistic perspective, by providing those conflicts with a legitimate form of expression, would have managed to avoid. In that way I hope to demonstrate that acknowledging the ineradicability of the conflictual dimension in social life, far from undermining the democratic project, is the necessary condition for grasping the challenge to which democratic politics is confronted.\n\nBecause of the rationalism prevalent in liberal political discourse, it is often among conservative theorists that I have found crucial insights for an adequate understanding of the political. They can better shake our dogmatic assumptions than liberal apologists. This is why I have chosen to conduct my critique of liberal thought under the aegis of such a controversial thinker as Carl Schmitt. I am convinced that there is much that we can learn from him, as one of the most brilliant and intransigent opponents of liberalism. I am perfectly aware that, because of Schmitt's compromise with nazism, such a choice might arouse hostility. Many people will find it rather perverse if not outright outrageous. Yet, I believe that it is the intellectual force of theorists, not their moral qualities, that should be the decisive criteria in deciding whether we need to establish a dialogue with their work.\n\nI see the refusal of many democratic theorists to engage with Schmitt's thought on moral grounds as typical of the moralistic tendency which is characteristic of the post-political Zeitgeist. In fact, the critique of such tendency is at the core of my reflection. A central thesis of this book is that, contrary to what post-political theorists want us to believe, what we are currently witnessing is not the disappearance of the political in its adversarial dimension but something different. What is happening is that nowadays the political is played out in the moral register. In other words, it still consists in a we\/they discrimination, but the we\/they, instead of being defined with political categories, is now established in moral terms. In place of a struggle between 'right and left' we are faced with a struggle between 'right and wrong'.\n\nIn Chapter 4, using the examples of right-wing populism and of terrorism, I will examine the consequences of such a displacement for domestic as well as for international politics and unveil the dangers that it entails. My argument is that, when the channels are not available through which conflicts could take an 'agonistic' form, those conflicts tend to emerge on the antagonistic mode. Now, when instead of being formulated as a political confrontation between 'adversaries', the we\/they confrontation is visualized as a moral one between good and evil, the opponent can be perceived only as an enemy to be destroyed and this is not conducive to an agonistic treatment. Hence the current emergence of antagonisms which put into question the very parameters of the existing order.\n\nAnother thesis concerns the nature of collective identities which always entail a we\/they discrimination. They play a central part in politics and the task of democratic politics is not to overcome them through consensus but to construct them in a way that energizes the democratic confrontation. The mistake of liberal rationalism is to ignore the affective dimension mobilized by collective identifications and to imagine that those supposedly archaic 'passions' are bound to disappear with the advance of individualism and the progress of rationality. This is why democratic theory is so badly prepared to grasp the nature of 'mass' political movements as well as phenomena such as nationalism. The part played by 'passions' in politics reveals that, in order to come to terms with 'the political', it is not enough for liberal theory to acknowledge the existence of a plurality of values and to extol toleration. Democratic politics cannot be limited to establishing compromises among interests or values or to deliberation about the common good; it needs to have a real purchase on people's desires and fantasies. To be able to mobilize passions towards democratic designs, democratic politics must have a partisan character. This is indeed the function of the left\/right distinction and we should resist the call by post-political theorists to think 'beyond left and right'.\n\nThere is a final lesson that we can draw from a reflection on 'the political'. If the possibility of reaching an order 'beyond hegemony' is foreclosed, what does that imply for the cosmopolitan project? Could it ever be more than the establishment of the world hegemony of a power which would have managed to conceal its rule by identifying its interests with those of humanity? Contrary to the numerous theorists who see the end of the bipolar system as bringing the hope of a cosmopolitan democracy, I will argue that the dangers entailed by the current unipolar order can be avoided only by the implementation of a multipolar world, with an equilibrium among several regional poles allowing for a plurality of hegemonic powers. This is the only way to avoid the hegemony of one single hyperpower.\n\nIn the realm of 'the political', Machiavelli's crucial insight is still worth meditating: 'In each city are found these two different desires... the man of the people hates being ordered and oppressed by those greater than he. And the great like to order and oppress the people.' What defines the postpolitical perspective is the claim that we have entered a new era where this potential antagonism has disappeared. And this is why it can put in jeopardy the future of democratic politics.\n\n# Politics and the Political\n\n# Two\n\nThis chapter will delineate the theoretical framework which informs my critique of the current 'post-political' Zeitgeist. Its main tenets have been developed in several of my previous works and here I will limit myself to the aspects which are relevant for the argument presented in this book. The most important concerns the distinction I propose to make between 'politics' and 'the political'. To be sure, in ordinary language, it is not very common to speak of 'the political' but I think that such a distinction opens important new paths for reflection and many political theorists are making it. The difficulty, though, is that no agreement exists among them concerning the meaning attributed to the respective terms and that may cause a certain confusion. Commonalities exist however which can provide some points of orientation. For instance to make this distinction suggests a difference between two types of approach: political science which deals with the empirical field of 'politics', and political theory which is the domain of philosophers who enquire not about facts of 'politics' but about the essence of 'the political'. If we wanted to express such a distinction in a philosophical way, we could, borrowing the vocabulary of Heidegger, say that politics refers to the 'ontic' level while 'the political' has to do with the 'ontological' one. This means that the ontic has to do with the manifold practices of conventional politics, while the ontological concerns the very way in which society is instituted.\n\nBut this still leaves the possibility of considerable disagreement about what constitutes 'the political'. Some theorists such as Hannah Arendt envisage the political as a space of freedom and public deliberation, while others see it as a space of power, conflict and antagonism. My understanding of 'the political' clearly belongs to the second perspective. More precisely this is how I distinguish between 'the political' and 'politics': by 'the political' I mean the dimension of antagonism which I take to be constitutive of human societies, while by 'politics' I mean the set of practices and institutions through which an order is created, organizing human coexistence in the context of conflictuality provided by the political.\n\nMy main field of enquiry in this book concerns the current practices of democratic politics and is therefore located at the 'ontic' level. But I contend that it is the lack of understanding of 'the political' in its ontological dimension which is at the origin of our current incapacity to think in a political way. Although an important part of my argument is of a theoretical nature, my central aim is a political one. I am convinced that what is at stake in the discussion about the nature of 'the political' is the very future of democracy. I intend to show how the rationalist approach dominant in democratic theory prevents us from posing the questions which are crucial for democratic politics. This is why we urgently need an alternative approach which will enable us to grasp the challenges with which democratic politics is today confronted.\n\n# THE POLITICAL AS ANTAGONISM\n\nThe point of departure of my enquiry is our current unability to envisage the problems facing our societies in a political way. What I mean by that is that political questions are not mere technical issues to be solved by experts. Properly political questions always involve decisions which require us to make a choice between conflicting alternatives. I will argue that this incapacity to think politically is to a great extent due to the uncontested hegemony of liberalism, and an important part of my reflection will be dedicated to examining the impact of liberal ideas in human sciences and in politics. My aim is to bring to the fore liberalism's central deficiency in the political field: its negation of the ineradicable character of antagonism. 'Liberalism', in the way I understand it in the present context, refers to a philosophical discourse with many variants, united not by a common essence but by a multiplicity of what Wittgenstein calls 'family resemblances'. There are to be sure many liberalisms, some more progressive than others, but with a few exceptions (Isaiah Berlin, Joseph Raz, John Gray, Michael Walzer among others) the dominant tendency in liberal thought is characterized by a rationalist and individualist approach which forecloses acknowledging the nature of collective identities. This kind of liberalism is unable to adequately grasp the pluralistic nature of the social world, with the conflicts that pluralism entails; conflicts for which no rational solution could ever exist. The typical liberal understanding of pluralism is that we live in a world in which there are indeed many perspectives and values and that, owing to empirical limitations, we will never be able to adopt them all, but that, when put together, they constitute an harmonious and non-conflictual ensemble. This is why this type of liberalism must negate the political in its antagonistic dimension.\n\nThe most radical challenge to liberalism, so understood, is found in the work of Carl Schmitt, whose provocative critique I will mobilize in my confrontation with liberal assumptions. In The Concept of the Political, Schmitt declares bluntly that the pure and rigorous principle of liberalism could not give birth to a specifically political conception. Every consistent individualism must, in his view, negate the political since it requires the individual to remain the ultimate point of reference. He states: 'In a very systematic fashion liberal thought evades or ignores state and politics and moves instead in a typical recurring polarity of two heterogeneous spheres, namely ethics and economics, intellect and trade, education and property. The critical distrust of state and politics is easily explained by the principles of a system whereby the individual must remain terminus a quo and terminus ad quem.' The methodological individualism which characterizes liberal thought precludes understanding the nature of collective identities. Yet, for Schmitt, the criteria of the political, its differentia specifica, is the friend\/enemy discrimination. It deals with the formation of a 'we' as opposed to a 'they' and is always concerned with collective forms of identification; it has to do with conflict and antagonism and is therefore the realm of decision, not free discussion. The political, as he puts it, 'can be understood only in the context of the friend\/enemy grouping, regardless of the aspects which this possibility implies for morality, aesthetics and economics'.\n\nA key point of Schmitt's approach is that, by showing that every consensus is based on acts of exclusion, it reveals the impossibility of a fully inclusive 'rational' consensus. Now, as I indicated, next to individualism, the other central trait of most liberal thought is the rationalist belief in the availability of a universal consensus based on reason. It is therefore no wonder that the political constitutes its blind spot. The political cannot be grasped by liberal rationalism for the simple reason that every consistent rationalism requires negating the irreducibility of antagonism. Liberalism has to negate antagonism since, by bringing to the fore the inescapable moment of decision \u2013 in the strong sense of having to decide in an undecidable terrain \u2013 what antagonism reveals is the very limit of any rational consensus. As far as liberal thought adheres to individualism and rationalism, its blindness to the political in its antagonistic dimension is therefore not a mere empirical omission but a constitutive one.\n\nSchmitt points out that 'there exists a liberal policy in the form of a polemical antithesis against state, church or other institutions which restrict individual freedom. There exists a liberal policy of trade, church and education, but absolutely no liberal politics, only a liberal critique of politics. The systematic theory of liberalism concerns almost solely the internal struggle against the power of the state.' However, the liberal attempt to annihilate the political is, he says, bound to fail. The political can never be eradicated because it can derive its energy from the most varied human endeavours: 'every religious, moral, economic, ethical or other antithesis transforms itself into a political one if it is sufficiently strong to group human beings effectively according to friend and enemy'.\n\nThe Concept of the Political was originally published in 1932, but Schmitt's critique is more relevant now than ever. If we examine the evolution of liberal thought since then, we ascertain that it has indeed moved between economics and ethics. Broadly speaking, we can today single out two main liberal paradigms. The first one, sometimes called 'aggregative', envisages politics as the establishment of a compromise between differing competing forces in society. Individuals are portrayed as rational beings, driven by the maximization of their own interests and as acting in the political world in a basically instrumental way. It is the idea of the market applied to the domain of politics which is apprehended with concepts borrowed from economics. The other paradigm, the 'deliberative', developed in reaction against this instrumentalist model, aims at creating a link between morality and politics. Its advocates want to replace instrumental rationality by communicative rationality. They present political debate as a specific field of application of morality and believe that it is possible to create in the realm of politics a rational moral consensus by means of free discussion. In this case politics is apprehended not through economics but through ethics or morality.\n\nThe challenge posed by Schmitt to the rationalist conception of the political is clearly acknowledged by J\u00fcrgen Habermas, one of the main advocates of the deliberative model, who tries to exorcize it by declaring that those who put into question the possibility of such a rational consensus and who affirm that politics is a domain where one should always expect to find discord undermine the very possibility of democracy. He asserts that 'If questions of justice cannot transcend the ethical self-understanding of competing forms of life, and if existentially relevant values, conflicts and oppositions must penetrate all controversial questions, then in the final analysis we will end up with something resembling Carl Schmitt's understanding of politics'.\n\nContrary to Habermas and all those who affirm that such an understanding of the political is antithetical to the democratic project, I submit that Schmitt's emphasis on the ever present possibility of the friend\/enemy distinction and the conflictual nature of politics constitutes the necessary starting point for envisaging the aims of democratic politics. Only by acknowledging 'the political' in its antagonistic dimension can we pose the central question for democratic politics. This question, pace liberal theorists, is not how to negotiate a compromise among competing interests, nor is it how to reach a 'rational', i.e. a fully inclusive, consensus, without any exclusion. Despite what many liberals want us to believe, the specificity of democratic politics is not the overcoming of the we\/they opposition but the different way in which it is established. What democracy requires is drawing the we\/they distinction in a way which is compatible with the recognition of the pluralism which is constitutive of modern democracy.\n\n# PLURALISM AND FRIEND\/ENEMY RELATION\n\nOf course, at this point we need to part company with Schmitt, who was adamant that there is no place for pluralism inside a democratic political community. Democracy, as he understood it, requires the existence of an homogeneous demos, and this precludes any possibility of pluralism. This is why he saw an insurmountable contradiction between liberal pluralism and democracy. For him, the only possible and legitimate pluralism is a pluralism of states. What I propose to do then is to think 'with Schmitt against Schmitt', using his critique of liberal individualism and rationalism to propose a new understanding of liberal democratic politics instead of following Schmitt in rejecting it.\n\nIn my view one of Schmitt's central insights is his thesis that political identities consist in a certain type of we\/they relation, the relation friend\/enemy which can emerge out of very diverse forms of social relations. By bringing to the fore the relational nature of political identities, he anticipates several currents of thought, such as post-structuralism, that will later stress the relational character of all identities. Today, thanks to those later theoretical developments, we are in a position to elaborate better what Schmitt forcefully asserted but left untheorized. The challenge for us is to develop his insights into a different direction and to visualize other understandings of the friend\/enemy distinction, understandings compatible with democratic pluralism.\n\nI have found the notion of the 'constitutive outside' particularly useful for such a project because it unveils what is at stake in the constitution of identity. This term has been proposed by Henry Staten to refer to a number of themes developed by Jacques Derrida around notions such as 'supplement', 'trace' and 'diff\u00e9rance'. The aim is to highlight the fact that the creation of an identity implies the establishment of a difference, difference which is often constructed on the basis of a hierarchy, for example between form and matter, black and white, man and woman, etc. Once we have understood that every identity is relational and that the affirmation of a difference is a precondition for the existence of any identity, i.e. the perception of something 'other' which constitutes its 'exterior', we are, I think, in a better position to understand Schmitt's point about the ever present possibility of antagonism and to see how a social relation can become the breeding ground for antagonism.\n\nIn the field of collective identities, we are always dealing with the creation of a 'we' which can exist only by the demarcation of a 'they'. This does not mean of course that such a relation is necessarily one of friend\/enemy, i.e. an antagonistic one. But we should acknowledge that, in certain conditions, there is always the possibility that this we\/they relation can become antagonistic, i.e. that it can turn into a relation of friend\/enemy. This happens when the 'they' is perceived as putting into question the identity of the 'we' and as threatening its existence. From that moment on, as the case of the disintegration of Yugoslavia testifies, any form of we\/they relation, whether religious, ethnic, economic or other, becomes the locus of an antagonism.\n\nFor Schmitt, of course, in order to be political this we\/they relation had to take the antagonistic form of a friend\/enemy relation. This is why he could not allow its presence within the political association. And he was no doubt right to warn against the dangers that an antagonistic pluralism entails for the permanence of the political entity. However, as I will argue in a moment, the friend\/enemy distinction can be considered as merely one of the possible forms of expression of the antagonistic dimension which is constitutive of the political. We can also, while acknowledging the ever present possibility of antagonism, imagine other political modes of construction of the we\/they. If we follow this route, we will realize that the challenge for democratic politics consists in trying to keep the emergence of antagonism at bay by establishing the we\/they in a different way.\n\nBefore developing this point further, let us draw a first theoretical conclusion from the previous reflections. What we can assert at this stage is that the we\/they distinction, which is the condition of possibility of formation of political identities, can always become the locus of an antagonism. Since all forms of political identities entail a we\/they distinction, this means that the possibility of emergence of antagonism can never be eliminated. It is therefore an illusion to believe in the advent of a society from which antagonism would have been eradicated. Antagonism, as Schmitt says, is an ever present possibility; the political belongs to our ontological condition.\n\n# POLITICS AS HEGEMONY\n\nNext to antagonism, the concept of hegemony is the key notion for addressing the question of 'the political'. To take account of 'the political' as the ever present possibility of antagonism requires coming to terms with the lack of a final ground and acknowledging the dimension of undecidability which pervades every order. It requires in other words recognizing the hegemonic nature of every kind of social order and the fact that every society is the product of a series of practices attempting to establish order in a context of contingency. As Ernesto Laclau indicates, 'The two central features of a hegemonic intervention are, in this sense, the \"contingent\" character of the hegemonic articulations and their \"constitutive\" character, in the sense that they institute social relations in a primary sense, not depending on any a priori social rationality.' The political is linked to the acts of hegemonic institution. It is in this sense that one has to differentiate the social from the political. The social is the realm of sedimented practices, that is, practices that conceal the originary acts of their contingent political institution and which are taken for granted, as if they were self-grounded. Sedimented social practices are a constitutive part of any possible society; not all social bonds are put into question at the same time. The social and the political have thus the status of what Heidegger called existentials, i.e. necessary dimensions of any societal life. If the political \u2013 understood in its hegemonic sense \u2013 involves the visibility of the acts of social institution, it is impossible to determine a priori what is social and what is political independently of any contextual reference. Society is not to be seen as the unfolding of a logic exterior to itself, whatever the source of this logic could be: forces of production, development of what Hegel called the Absolute Spirit, laws of history, etc. Every order is the temporary and precarious articulation of contingent practices. The frontier between the social and the political is essentially unstable and requires constant displacements and renegotiations between social agents. Things could always be otherwise and therefore every order is predicated on the exclusion of other possibilities. It is in that sense that it can be called 'political' since it is the expression of a particular structure of power relations. Power is constitutive of the social because the social could not exist without the power relations through which it is given shape. What is at a given moment considered as the 'natural' order \u2013 jointly with the 'common sense' which accompanies it \u2013 is the result of sedimented practices; it is never the manifestation of a deeper objectivity exterior to the practices that bring it into being.\n\nTo summarize this point: every order is political and based on some form of exclusion. There are always other possibilities that have been repressed and that can be reactivated. The articulatory practices through which a certain order is established and the meaning of social institutions is fixed are 'hegemonic pratices'. Every hegemonic order is susceptible of being challenged by counter-hegemonic practices, i.e. practices which will attempt to disarticulate the existing order so as to install another form of hegemony.\n\nAs far as collective identities are concerned, we find ourselves in a similar situation. We have already seen that identities are in fact the result of processes of identifications and that they can never be completely fixed. We are never confronted with 'we\/they' oppositions expressing essentialist identities pre-existing the process of identification. Moreover since, as I have stressed, the 'they' represents the condition of possibility of the 'we', its 'constitutive outside', this means that the constitution of a specific 'we' always depends on the type of 'they' from which it is differentiated. This is a crucial point because it allows us to envisage the possibility of different types of we\/they relation according to the way the 'they' is constructed.\n\nI want to emphasize those theoretical points because they constitute the necessary framework for the alternative approach to democratic politics that I am advocating. To postulate the ineradicability of antagonism, while affirming at the same time the possibility of democratic pluralism, one has to argue contra Schmitt that those two assertions do not negate each other. The crucial point here is to show how antagonism can be transformed so at to make available a form of we\/they opposition compatible with pluralist democracy. Without such a possibility one is left with the following alternatives: believing either with Schmitt in the contradictory nature of liberal democracy or with the liberals in the elimination of the adversarial model as a step forward for democracy. In the first case you acknowledge the political but foreclose the possibility of a pluralist democratic order, in the second case you postulate a completely unadequate, anti-political view of liberal democracy, the negative consequences of which we will consider in the following chapters.\n\n# WHICH WE\/THEY FOR DEMOCRATIC POLITICS?\n\nAccording to the previous analysis, it appears that one of the main tasks for democratic politics consists in defusing the potential antagonism that exists in social relations. If we accept that this cannot be done by transcending the we\/they relation, but only by constructing it in a different way, then the following question arises: what could constitute a 'tamed' relation of antagonism, what form of we\/they would it imply? Conflict, in order to be accepted as legitimate, needs to take a form that does not destroy the political association. This means that some kind of common bond must exist between the parties in conflict, so that they will not treat their opponents as enemies to be eradicated, seeing their demands as illegitimate, which is precisely what happens with the antagonistic friend\/enemy relation. However, the opponents cannot be seen simply as competitors whose interests can be dealt with through mere negotiation, or reconciled through deliberation, because in that case the antagonistic element would simply have been eliminated. If we want to acknowledge on one side the permanence of the antagonistic dimension of the conflict, while on the other side allowing for the possibility of its 'taming', we need to envisage a third type of relation. This is the type of relation which I have proposed to call 'agonism'. While antagonism is a we\/they relation in which the two sides are enemies who do not share any common ground, agonism is a we\/they relation where the conflicting parties, although acknowledging that there is no rational solution to their conflict, nevertheless recognize the legitimacy of their opponents. They are 'adversaries' not enemies. This means that, while in conflict, they see themselves as belonging to the same political association, as sharing a common symbolic space within which the conflict takes place. We could say that the task of democracy is to transform antagonism into agonism.\n\nThis is why 'the adversary' is a crucial category for democratic politics. The adversarial model has to be seen as constitutive of democracy because it allows democratic politics to transform antagonism into agonism. In other words, it help us to envisage how the dimension of antagonism can be 'tamed', thanks to the establishment of institutions and practices through which the potential antagonism can be played out in an agonistic way. As I will argue at several points in this book, antagonistic conflicts are less likely to emerge as long as agonistic legitimate political channels for dissenting voices exist. Otherwise dissent tends to take violent forms, and this is true in both domestic and international politics.\n\nI would like to stress that the notion of the 'adversary' that I am introducing needs to be distinguished sharply from the understanding of that term that we find in liberal discourse because in my understanding the presence of antagonism is not eliminated but 'sublimated' so to speak. For the liberals an adversary is simply a competitor. The field of politics is for them a neutral terrain in which different groups compete to occupy the positions of power; their objective is merely to dislodge others in order to occupy their place, They do not put into question the dominant hegemony and there is no attempt at profoundly transforming the relations of power. It is merely a competition among elites.\n\nWhat is at stake in the agonistic struggle, on the contrary, is the very configuration of power relations around which a given society is structured: it is a struggle between opposing hegemonic projects which can never be reconciled rationally. The antagonistic dimension is always present, it is a real confrontation but one which is played out under conditions regulated by a set of democratic procedures accepted by the adversaries.\n\n# CANETTI ON THE PARLIAMENTARY SYSTEM\n\nElias Canetti is one of the authors who understood perfectly that the establishment of 'agonistic' relations was the task of democratic politics. In a few brilliant pages in Crowds and Power dedicated to analysing the nature of the parliamentary system, in the chapter 'The Crowd in History', Canetti indicates how such a system uses the psychological structure of opposing armies and stages a form of warfare which has renounced killing. According to him:\n\nA parliamentary vote does nothing but ascertain the relative strength of two groups at a given time and place. Knowing them beforehand is not enough. One party may have 360 members and the other only 240, but the actual vote is decisive, as the moment in which the one is really measured against the other. It is all that is left of the original lethal clash and it is played out in many forms, with threats, abuse and physical provocation which may lead to blows or missiles. But the counting of the vote ends the battle.\n\nAnd later he adds: 'The solemnity of all those activities derives from the renunciation of death as an instrument of decision. Every single vote puts death, as it were, on one side. But the effect that killing would have had on the strength of the enemy is scrupulously put down in figures; and any one who tampers with these figures, who destroys or falsifies them, lets death in again without knowing it.'\n\nThis is an excellent example of how enemies can be transformed into adversaries, and we see here very clearly how, thanks to democratic institutions, conflicts can be staged in a way which is not antagonistic but agonistic. According to Canetti, modern democracy and the parliamentary system should not be envisaged as a stage in the evolution of humankind in which people, having become more rational, are now able to act rationally, either to promote their interests or to exercise their free public reason, as the aggregative and deliberative models would have it. And he stresses that:\n\nNo one has ever really believed that the majority decision is necessarily the wiser one because it has received the greater number of votes. It is will against will as in war. Each is convinced that right and reason are on his side. Conviction comes easily and the purpose of the party is, precisely, to keep this will and conviction alive. The member of an outvoted party accepts the majority decision, not because he has ceased to believe in his own case, but simply because he admits defeat.\n\nI find Canetti's approach really illuminating. He makes us grasp the important part played by the parliamentary system in the transformation of antagonism into agonism and in the construction of a we\/they compatible with democratic pluralism. When parliamentary institutions are destroyed or weakened, the possibility of an agonistic confrontation disappears and it is replaced by an antagonistic we\/they. Think for instance of the case of Germany and the way in which, with the collapse of parliamentary politics, the Jews became an antagonistic 'they'. This, I think, is something worth meditating on for left-wing opponents of parliamentary democracy!\n\nThere is another aspect of Canetti's work, his reflections on the phenomenon of the 'crowd', which provides important insights for a critique of the rationalist perspective dominant in liberal political theory. Scrutinizing the permanent appeal exercised by the manifold types of crowds in all types of societies, he attributes it to the different drives which move social agents. On one side there is what one could describe as a drive towards individuality and distinctiveness. But there is another drive that makes them want to become part of a crowd to lose themselves in a moment of fusion with the masses. This attraction of the crowd is not for him something archaic and premodern, destined to disappear with the advances of modernity. It is part and parcel of the psychological make-up of human beings. The refusal to admit this tendency is what is at the origin of the rationalist approach's incapacity to come to terms with political mass movements, which they tend to see as an expression of irrational forces or a 'return of the archaic'. On the contrary, once we accept with Canetti that the 'crowd' appeal will always be with us, we have to approach democratic politics in a different way, addressing the issue of how it can be mobilized in ways which will not threaten democratic institutions.\n\nWhat we are encountering here is the dimension of what I have proposed to call 'passions' to refer to the various affective forces which are at the origin of collective forms of identifications. By putting the accent either on the rational calculation of interests (aggregative model), or on moral deliberation (deliberative model), current democratic political theory is unable to acknowledge the role of 'passions' as one of the main moving forces in the field of politics and finds itself disarmed when faced with its diverse manifestations. Now, this chimes with the refusal to accept the ever present possibility of antagonism and the belief that, as far as it is rational, democratic politics can always be interpreted in terms of individual actions. Were this not possible, it must necessarily be due to backwardness. As we will see in the following chapter, this is, for instance, how the advocates of 'reflexive modernization' interpret any kind of disagreement with their theses.\n\nGiven the current emphasis on consensus, it is not surprising that people are less and less interested in politics and that the rate of abstention is growing. Mobilization requires politicization, but politicization cannot exist without the production of a conflictual representation of the world, with opposed camps with which people can identify, thereby allowing for passions to be mobilized politically within the spectrum of the democratic process. Take the case of voting for instance. What the rationalist approach is unable to grasp is that what moves people to vote is much more than simply the defence of their interests. There is an important affective dimension in voting and what is at stake there is a question of identification. In order to act politically people need to be able to identify with a collective identity which provides an idea of themselves they can valorize. Political discourse has to offer not only policies but also identities which can help people make sense of what they are experiencing as well as giving them hope for the future.\n\n# FREUD AND IDENTIFICATION\n\nTo take into account the affective dimension of politics is therefore crucial for democratic theory and this calls for a serious engagement with psychoanalysis. Freud's analysis of the process of 'identification' brings out the libidinal investment at work in the creation of collective identities and it gives important clues concerning the emergence of antagonisms. In Civilization and Its Discontents, he presents a view of society as perpetually threatened with disintegration because of the inclination to aggression present in human beings. According to him 'men are not gentle creatures who want to be loved, and who at the most can defend themselves if they are attacked; they are, on the contrary, creatures among whose instinctual endowments is to be reckoned a powerful share of aggressiveness.' Civilization, in order to check those aggressive instincts, needs to use different methods. One of those consists in fostering communal bonds through the mobilization of the libidinal instincts of love. As he asserts in Group Psychology and the Analysis of the Ego, 'a group is clearly held together by a power of some kind: and to what power could this feat be better ascribed than to Eros, which holds together everything in the world' The aim is to establish strong identifications between the members of the community, to bind them in a shared identity. A collective identity, a 'we', is the result of a libidinal investment, but this necessarily implies the determination of a 'they'. To be sure, Freud did not see all opposition as enmity, but he was aware that it could always become enmity. As he indicates, 'It is always possible to bind together a considerable amount of people in love, so long as there are other people left over to receive the manifestation of their aggressiveness.' In such a case the we\/they relation becomes one of enmity, i.e. it becomes antagonistic.\n\nAccording to Freud, the evolution of civilization is characterized by a struggle between two basic types of libidinal instincts, Eros the instinct of life and Death the instinct of aggressiveness and destructiveness. He also stressed that 'the two kinds of instinct seldom \u2013 perhaps never \u2013 appear in isolation from each other, but are alloyed with each other in varying and very different proportions and so become unrecognizable to our judgment.' The aggressive instinct can never be eliminated but one can try to disarm it, so to speak, and to weaken its destructive potential by several methods which Freud discusses in his book. What I want to suggest is that, understood in an agonistic way, democratic institutions can contribute to this disarming of the libidinal forces leading towards hostility which are always present in human societies.\n\nFurther insights can be gained from the work of Jacques Lacan, who developing Freud's theory, has introduced the concept of 'enjoyment' (jouissance) which is of great importance for exploring the role of affects in politics. As Yannis Stavrakakis has observed, according to Lacanian theory, what allows for the persistance of socio-political forms of identifications is the fact that they provide the social agent with a form of jouissance. As he puts it:\n\nThe problematic of enjoyment helps us answer in a concrete way what is at stake in socio-political identification and identity formation, suggesting that support of social fantasies is partially rooted in the 'jouissance' of the body. What is at stake in these fields, according to Lacanian theory, is not only symbolic coherence and discursive closure but also enjoyment, the jouissance animating human desire.\n\nOn the same lines, Slavoj \u017di\u017eek uses Lacan's concept of enjoyment to explain the attraction of nationalism. In Tarring with the Negative, he notes that:\n\nThe element which holds together a particular community cannot be reduced to the point of symbolic identification: the bond linking together its members always implies a shared relation toward a Thing, toward Enjoyment incarnated. This relationship toward the Thing structured by means of fantasies is what is at stake when we speak of the menace to our 'way of life' presented by the Other.\n\nRegarding the type of identifications constitutive of nationalism, the affective dimension is of course particularly strong and he adds: 'Nationalism thus presents a privileged domain of the eruption of enjoyment into the social field. The National Cause is ultimately nothing but the way subjects of a given ethnic community organize their enjoyment through national myths.' Keeping in mind that collective identifications always take place through a we\/they kind of differentiation, one can understand how nationalism can easily be transformed into enmity. For \u017di\u017eek, nationalist hatred emerges when another nation is perceived as threatening our enjoyment. It has its origin therefore in the way social groups deal with their lack of enjoyment by attributing it to the presence of an enemy which is 'stealing' it. To envisage how such a transformation of national identifications into friend\/enemy relations can be averted, it is necessary to acknowledge the affective bonds which support them. Now, this is precisely what the rationalist approach forecloses, hence the impotence of liberal theory in face of the eruption of nationalist antagonisms.\n\nThe lesson to be drawn from Freud and Canetti is that, even in societies which have become very individualistic, the need for collective identifications will never disappear since it is constitutive of the mode of existence of human beings. In the field of politics those identifications play a central role and the affective bond which they provide needs to be taken into account by democratic theorists. To believe that we have entered into an age where 'post-conventional' identities make possible a rational treatment of political questions, thereby eluding the role of a democratic mobilization of affects, is to abandon that terrain to those who want to undermine democracy. The theorists who want to eliminate passions from politics and argue that democratic politics should be understood only in terms of reason, moderation and consensus are showing their lack of understanding of the dynamics of the political. They do not see that democratic politics needs to have a real purchase on people's desires and fantasies and that, instead of opposing interests to sentiments and reason to passions, it should offer forms of identifications conducive to democratic practices. Politics has always a 'partisan' dimension and for people to be interested in politics they need to have the possibility of choosing between parties offering real alternatives. This is precisely what is missing in the current celebration of 'partisan-free' democracy. Despite what we hear in many quarters, the kind of consensual politics dominant today, far from representing a progress in democracy, is the sign that we live in what Jacques Ranci\u00e8re calls a 'postdemocracy'. In his view the consensual practices which are today proposed as the model for democracy presuppose the very disappearance of what constitutes the vital core of democracy. As he says,\n\nPostdemocracy is the government practice and conceptual legitimation of a democracy after the demos, a democracy that has eliminated the appearance, miscount, and dispute of the people and is thereby reducible to the sole interplay of state mechanisms and combinations of social energies and interests.... It is the practice and theory of what is appropriate with no gap left between the forms of the state and the state of social relations.\n\nWhat Ranci\u00e8re points out here, albeit using a different vocabulary, is the erasure by the post-political approach of the adversarial dimension which is constitutive of the political and which provides democratic politics with its inherent dynamics.\n\n# AGONISTIC CONFRONTATION\n\nMany liberal theorists refuse to acknowledge the antagonistic dimension of politics and the role of affects in the construction of political identities because they believe that it would endanger the realization of consensus, which they see as the aim of democracy. What they do not realize is that, far from jeopardizing democracy, agonistic confrontation is the very condition of its existence. Modern democracy's specificity lies in the recognition and legitimation of conflict and the refusal to suppress it by imposing an authoritarian order. Breaking with the symbolic representation of society as an organic body \u2013 characteristic of the holist mode of organization \u2013 a pluralist liberal democratic society does not deny the existence of conflicts but provides the institutions allowing them to be expressed in an adversarial form. It is for this reason that we should be very wary of the current tendency to celebrate a politics of consensus, claiming that it has replaced the supposedly old-fashioned adversarial politics of right and left. A well functioning democracy calls for a clash of legitimate democratic political positions. This is what the confrontation between left and right needs to be about. Such a confrontation should provide collective forms of identification strong enough to mobilize political passions. If this adversarial configuration is missing, passions cannot be given a democratic outlet and the agonistic dynamics of pluralism are hindered. The danger arises that the democratic confrontation will therefore be replaced by a confrontation between essentialist forms of identification or non-negotiable moral values. When political frontiers become blurred, disaffection with political parties sets in and one witnesses the growth of other types of collective identities, around nationalist, religious or ethnic forms of identification. Antagonisms can take many forms and it is illusory to believe that they could ever be eradicated. This is why it is important to allow them an agonistic form of expression through the pluralist democratic system.\n\nLiberal theorists are unable to acknowledge not only the primary reality of strife in social life and the impossibility of finding rational, impartial solutions to political issues but also the integrative role that conflict plays in modern democracy. A democratic society requires a debate about possible alternatives and it must provide political forms of collective identification around clearly differentiated democratic positions. Consensus is no doubt necessary, but it must be accompanied by disssent. Consensus is needed on the institutions constitutive of democracy and on the 'ethico-political' values informing the political association \u2013 liberty and equality for all \u2013 but there will always be disagreement concerning their meaning and the way they should be implemented. In a pluralist democracy such disagreements are not only legitimate but also necessary. They provide the stuff of democratic politics.\n\nBesides the shortcomings of the liberal approach, the main obstacle to the implementation of an agonistic politics comes from the fact that, since the collapse of the Soviet model, we are witnessing the unchallenged hegemony of neo-liberalism with its claim that there is no alternative to the existing order. This claim has been accepted by social democratic parties which, under the pretence of 'modernizing', have been steadily moving to the right, redefining themselves as 'centre-left'. Far from profiting from the crisis of its old communist antagonist, social democracy has been dragged into its collapse. In this way a great opportunity has been lost for democratic politics. The events of 1989 should have provided the time for a redefinition of the left, now liberated of the weight previously represented by the communist system. There was a real chance for a deepening of the democratic project because traditional political frontiers, having been shattered, could have been redrawn in a more progressive way. Unfortunately this chance has been missed. Instead we heard triumphalist claims about the disappearance of antagonism and the advent of a politics without frontiers, without a 'they'; a win-win politics in which solutions could be found favouring everybody in society.\n\nWhile it was no doubt important for the left to come to terms with the importance of pluralism and liberal democratic political institutions, this should not have meant abandoning all attempts to transform the present hegemonic order and accepting the view that 'really existing liberal democratic societies' represent the end of history. If there is a lesson to be drawn from the failure of communism it is that the democratic struggle should not be envisaged in terms of friend\/enemy and that liberal democracy is not the enemy to be destroyed. If we take 'liberty and equality for all' as the 'ethico-political' principles of liberal democracy (what Montesquieu defined as 'the passions that move a regime'), it is clear that the problem with our societies is not their proclaimed ideals but the fact that those ideals are not put into practice. So the task for the left is not to reject them, with the argument that they are a sham, a cover for capitalist domination, but to fight for their effective implementation. And this of course cannot be done without challenging the current neo-liberal mode of capitalist regulation.\n\nThis is why such a struggle, if it should not be envisaged in terms of friend\/enemy, cannot be simply envisaged as a mere competition of interests or on the 'dialogic' mode. Now, this is precisely how most left-wing parties visualize democratic politics nowadays. To revitalize democracy, it is urgent to get out of this impasse. My claim is that, thanks to the idea of the 'adversary', the agonistic approach that I am proposing could contribute to a revitalization and deepening of democracy. It also offers the possibility of envisaging the left's perspective in an hegemonic way. Adversaries inscribe their confrontation within the democratic framework, but this framework is not seen as something immutable: it is susceptible of being redefined through hegemonic struggle. An agonistic conception of democracy acknowledges the contingent character of the hegemonic politico-economic articulations which determine the specific configuration of a society at a given moment. They are precarious and pragmatic constructions which can be disarticulated and transformed as a result of the agonistic struggle among the adversaries.\n\nSlavoj \u017di\u017eek is therefore mistaken to assert that the agonistic approach is unable to challenge the status quo and ends up accepting liberal democracy in its present stage. What an agonistic approach certainly disavows is the possibility of an act of radical refoundation that would institute a new social order from scratch. But a number of very important socioeconomic and political transformations, with radical implications, are possible within the context of liberal democratic institutions. What we understand by 'liberal democracy' is constituted by sedimented forms of power relations resulting from an ensemble of contingent hegemonic interventions. The fact that their contingent character is not recognized today is due to the absence of counter-hegemonic projects. But we should not fall again into the trap of believing that their transformation requires a total rejection of the liberal-democratic framework. There are many ways in which the democratic 'language-game' \u2013 to borrow a term from Wittgenstein \u2013 can be played, and the agonistic struggle should bring about new meanings and fields of application for the idea of democracy to be radicalized. This is, in my view, the effective way to challenge power relations, not on the mode of an abstract negation but in a properly hegemonic way, through a process of disarticulation of existing practices and creation of new discourses and institutions. Contrary to the various liberal models, the agonistic approach that I am advocating acknowledges that society is always politically instituted and never forgets that the terrain in which hegemonic interventions take place is always the outcome of previous hegemonic practices and that it is never a neutral one. This is why it denies the possibility of a non-adversarial democratic politics and criticizes those who, by ignoring the dimension of 'the political', reduce politics to a set of supposedly technical moves and neutral procedures.\n\n# Beyond the Adversarial Model?\n\n# Three\n\nThe post-political perspective that this book intends to challenge finds its sociological bearings in a picture of the world first elaborated by a variety of theorists who in the early 1960s announced the coming of a 'post-industrial society' and celebrated 'the end of ideology'. This tendency went later out of fashion but it has been revived in a new guise by sociologists such as Ulrich Beck and Anthony Giddens who argue that the model of politics structured around collective identities has become hopelessly outdated, owing to the growth of individualism, and that it needs to be relinquished. According to them we are now in a second stage of modernity which they call 'reflexive modernity'. Our societies have become 'post-traditional' and this calls for a drastic rethinking of the nature and aims of politics. Widely diffused in the media, those ideas are fast becoming the 'common sense' which informs the mainstream perception of our social reality. They have been influential in political circles and, as we will see, they have played a role in the evolution of several social democratic parties. Since they provide several central tenets of the current Zeitgeist, the objective of this chapter is to examine them closely and to scrutinize their consequences for democratic politics.\n\n# BECK AND THE 'REINVENTION OF POLITICS'\n\nTo assess critically Ulrich Beck's claim that politics needs to be 'reinvented', we need first to grasp the main lines of his theory of 'reflexive modernity' and his conception of 'risk society'. Those ideas have been elaborated in a series of books published since 1986 where he affirms that industrial societies have undergone crucial changes in their internal dynamics. His main argument is that after a first stage of 'simple modernization', characterized by the belief in the unlimited sustainability of natural techno-economic progress, whose risks could be contained thanks to adequate monitoring institutions, we now live in an epoch of 'reflexive modernization', characterized by the emergence of a 'risk society'. Modern societies are now confronted with the limits of their own model and the awareness that progress could turn into self-destruction if they are unable to control the side-effects of their inherent dynamism. We have become aware that certain features of industrial society are socially and politically problematic. It is now time to acknowledge that economic, social, political and individual risks confronting advanced industrial societies cannot be dealt with any more through traditional institutions.\n\nAccording to Beck, one of the crucial difference between the first and the second modernity is that nowadays the motor of social history does not reside any more in instrumental rationality but in the 'side-effect'. He states, 'while simple modernization ultimately situates the motor of social change in categories of instrumental rationality (reflection), \"reflexive\" modernization conceptualizes the motive power of social change in categories of the side-effect (reflexivity). Things at first unseen and unreflected, but externalized, add up to structural rupture that separates industrial from \"new modernities\" in the present and the future.' He puts great emphasis on the fact that this transition from one social epoch to another has taken place surreptitiously, in an unplanned way. It is not the result of political struggles and should not be interpreted according to the marxist idea of the revolution. Indeed, it is not the crises but the victories of capitalism which are at the origin of this new society which should be envisaged as the victory of Western modernization.\n\nHere is an example of what he means by the role of 'sideeffects': 'the transition from the industrial to the risk period of modernity occurs undesired, unseen and compulsively in the wake of the autonomized dynamism of modernization, following the pattern of latent side-effects'. It is those side-effects, not political struggles, which are at the origin of the profound changes which have taken place in a wide range of social relations: classes, sex roles, family relations, work etc. As a consequence constitutive pillars of the first modernity such as the trade unions and the political parties have lost their centrality because they are not adapted to deal with the new forms of conflict specific to reflexive modernity. In a risk society the basic conflicts are no longer of a distributional nature, about income, jobs, welfare benefits, but are conflicts over 'distributive responsibility', i.e. how to prevent and control the risks accompanying the production of goods and the threats entailed by the advances of modernization.\n\nThe societies of the first modernity, says Beck, were characterized by the nation-state and the crucial role of collective groups. Owing to the consequences of globalization on one side and the intensification of the processes of individualization on the other, this is no longer the case. Collective identities have been deeply undermined, both in the private and in the public realm, and the basic institutions of society are now oriented towards the individual and no longer towards the group or the family. Moreover, industrial societies were centred on 'work' and organized towards full employment; the status of individuals was essentially defined by their job, which also constituted an important condition for their access to democratic rights. This has also come to an end. Hence the urgency of finding a new way of envisaging the basis for an active participation in society, taking in account the fact that individuals are constructed in an open-ended discursive interplay to which the classical roles of industrial society cannot do justice.\n\nWhile acknowledging that the old vocabulary of left and right, the conflicting interests of groups and the political parties have not yet disappeared, Beck considers that they are conceptual 'crutches of the past' and that they are thoroughly inadequate to grasp the conflicts of reflexive modernity. In a risk society ideological and political conflicts can no longer be ordained through the left\/right metaphor which was typical of industrial society but are better characterized by the following dichotomies: safe\/unsafe, inside\/outside and political\/unpolitical.\n\n# THE EMERGENCE OF 'SUB-POLITICS'\n\nNow that we have broadly delineated the framework of Beck's theory, we can examine the new form of politics which he advocates as a solution and which he calls 'sub-politics'. The central idea is that in a risk society one should not look for the political in the traditional arenas such as parliament, political parties and trade unions and that it is necessary to stop the equation between politics and state or between politics and political system. Today the political erupts in very different places and we are confronted with a paradoxical situation: 'the political constellation of industrial society is becoming unpolitical, while what was unpolitical in industrialism is becoming politicals'. A series of new resistances have emerged which are grass roots-oriented, extra-parliamentary and no longer linked to classes or to political parties. Their demands concern issues which cannot be expressed through traditional political ideologies and they are not addressed to the political system: they take place in a variety of sub-systems.\n\nBeck claims that 'risk society' challenges the basic tenets of political science which has generally elaborated the concept of politics in three aspects: (1) the 'polity' which concerns the institutional constitution of the political community; (2) 'policy' which examines how political programmes can shape social circumstances; (3) 'politics' which deals with the process of political conflict over power-sharing and power positions. In all three cases the question is directed at collective agents and the individual is not fit for politics. With the advent of sub-politics, the individual is now put at the centre of the political scene. 'Sub-politics', he declares,\n\nis distinguished from 'politics' in that (a) agents outside the political or corporatist system are allowed also to appear on the stage of social design (this group includes professional and occupational groups, the technical intelligentsia in companies, research institutions and management, skilled workers, citizens' initiatives, the public sphere and so on), and (b) not only social and collective agents but individuals as well compete with the latter and each other for the emerging power to shape politics.\n\nHe also stresses that sub-politics means 'shaping society from below' and that in the wake of sub-politicization, there are growing opportunities to have a voice and a share in the arrangement of society for groups hitherto uninvolved in the substantive technification and industrialization process: citizens, the public sphere, social movements, expert groups, working people on site.\n\nWhen it comes to visualizing the issues which this reinvented sub-politics will tackle, Beck underlines again the differences from the type of left\/right politics of simple modernity with its sharp separation between public and private. According to the traditional conception, one had to leave the private sphere in order to become political and it was only in the public sphere, through party politics, that the political was achieved. Sub-politics operates a reversal of this conception and puts at the centre of the political arena all the things which were left aside and excluded in the left\/right axis. Now that all the questions which concern the self and which were perceived as expressions of individualism occupy centre stage, a new identity of the political emerges in terms of 'life-anddeath politics'. In a risk society, which has become aware of the possibility of an ecological crisis, a series of issues which were previoulsy considered of a private character, such as those concerning the lifestyle and diet, have left the realm of the intimate and the private and have become politicized. The relation of the individual to nature is typical of this transformation since it is now inescapably interconnected with a multiplicity of global forces from which it is impossible to escape.\n\nMoreover, technological progress and scientific developments in the field of medicine and genetic engineering are now forcing people to make decisions in the field of 'body politics' hitherto unimaginable. Those decisions on life and death are putting philosophical issues of existentialism on the political agenda and individuals will be obliged to confront them if they do not want their future to be left in the hands of experts or dealt with according to the logic of the market. Beck claims that this gives us the possibility of changing society in an existential sense. Everything depends on the capacity of people to shed their old modes of thought, inherited from the first modernity, so as to meet the challenges posed by risk society. The model of unambiguous intrumental rationality should be abolished and ways of making the 'new ambivalence' acceptable have to be found. What is needed is the creation of forums where a consensus could be built between the experts, the politicians, the industrialists and the citizens on ways of establishing possible forms of co-operation among them. This would require the transformation of expert systems into democratic public spheres.\n\nBeck likes to stress the positive role that doubt can play in fomenting compromises which make the overcoming of conflicts possible. The generalization of an attitude of doubt, he claims, shows the way to a new modernity, based no longer on certainty like simple modernity but on the acknowledgement of ambivalence and the refusal of a superior authority. He asserts that the generalized scepticism and the centrality of doubt which are prevalent today preclude the emergence of antagonistic relations. We have entered an era of ambivalence in which nobody can believe any more that they possess the truth, belief which was precisely where antagonisms were stemming from. Therefore the very ground for their emergence has been eliminated. This is why he dismisses attempts to speak in terms of left and right and to organize collective identities around those lines as 'crutches of the past'. He even goes so far as to assert that 'the political programme of a radicalized modernization is scepticism'.\n\nIn Beck's view, a society where doubt has been generalized will be unable to think in terms of friend and enemy, and a pacification of conflicts will follow. He takes it for granted that, once they stop believing in the existence of a truth that they can possess, people will realize that they have to be tolerant of other viewpoints and he believes that they will make compromises instead of trying to impose their own ideas. Only those who still think according to the old categories and who are unable to put their dogmatic certainties into question will still behave in an adversarial manner. Hopefully, the side-effects of reflexive modernization will lead to their disappearance and we can therefore reasonably expect the advent of a cosmopolitan order.\n\n# GIDDENS AND THE POST-TRADITIONAL SOCIETY\n\nIn the case of Anthony Giddens the key concept is 'posttraditional society'. What he wants to indicate by this concept is that we are caught up in everyday experiments which have profound consequences for the self and identity and which involve a multiplicity of changes and adaptation in daily life. Modernity has become experimental at a global level and it is fraught with global hazards whose outcome we cannot control: 'manufactured uncertainty' has become part of our life. Like Beck, Giddens believes that many of those uncertainties have been created by the very growth of human knowledge. They are the result of human intervention in social life and into nature. The growth of manufactured uncertainty has been accelerated by the intensifying of globalization thanks to the emergence of means of instantaneous global communication. The development of a globalizing cosmpolitan society has meant that traditions have become opened to interrogation, their status has changed because now justifications have to be offered for them and they can no longer be taken for granted as in the past.\n\nThe rise of a post-traditional social order has been accompanied by the expansion of 'social reflexivity' because manufactured uncertainty now intrudes into all areas of social life. Individuals have therefore to process a lot of information on which they need to act in their everyday actions. Giddens affirms that the development of social reflexivity is in fact the key to understanding a diversity of changes which have taken place both in economy and in politics. For instance 'the emergence of \"post-Fordism\" in industrial enterprises is usually analysed in terms of technological changes \u2013 particularly the influence of information technology. But the underlying reason for the growth of \"flexible production\" and \"bottom-up decision-making\" is that a universe of high reflexivity leads to greater autonomy of action, which the enterprise must recognize and draw on.' A similar argument, he says, could be made in the sphere of politics concerning bureaucratic authority, which in his view is no longer a required condition for organizational effectiveness. This is why bureaucratic systems start to disappear and states can no longer treat their citizens as 'subjects'.\n\nGiddens argues that we should now think in terms of 'life politics', which he opposes to the 'emancipative' mode. He asserts: 'Life politics concerns political issues which flow from processes of self-actualization in post-traditional contexts, where globalizing tendencies intrude deeply into the reflexive project of the self, and conversely where processes of self-realization influence global strategies.' This means that 'life politics' includes for instance ecological questions and also the changing nature of work, the family, and personal and cultural identity. While emancipatory politics concerns life chances and freedom from different types of constraints, life politics concerns life decisions \u2013 decisions about how we should live in a post-traditional world where what used to be natural or traditional has now become opened to choice. It is not only a politics of the personal and it would be a mistake, stresses Giddens, to think that it is only a concern of the more affluent. To be sure ecological and feminist issues play a central role but life politics also covers more traditional areas of political involvement such as work and economic activity. It is therefore very relevant to tackle the manifold problems arising from the transformation of the labour force. His claim is that 'Life politics is about the challenges that face collective humanity'.\n\nGiddens joins Beck in underlining the growth of a new individualism which represents a real challenge to the usual ways of doing politics. In his view, this new individualism should be understood in the context of the complex effects of globalization and their impact in the diminishing role that tradition and customs play in our lives. Contrary to many left-wing as well as conservative critics, who see it as an expression of moral decay and as a threat to social solidarity, he sees institutional individualism as opening many positive possibilities, for instance as allowing a more adequate balance between individual and collective responsibilities. Indeed the fact that we are now living in a more reflective manner creates pressures towards greater democratization and this new individualism contributes in a crucial way to this democratic trend.\n\n# DEMOCRATIZING DEMOCRACY\n\nAs we might expect from the previous considerations, Giddens sees the left\/right divide as being obsolete. One of his books is even called Beyond Left and Right. He argues that with the demise of the socialist model and the fact that there is no longer an alternative to capitalism, the main dividing line between left and right has disappeared and that most of the new problems arising in the context of the post-traditional society, i.e. all those issues concerning 'life politics', cannot be expressed within the left\/right framework. A detraditionalizing social order requires a new type of 'generative politics' according to which: (1) the desired outcomes are not determined from the top; (2) situations are created in which active trust can be built and sustained; (3) autonomy is granted to those affected by specific programmes or policies; (4) resources are generated which enhance autonomy, including material wealth; (5) political power is decentralized.\n\nModern trust was invested mainly in expert-systems, but now says Giddens, what we need is 'active trust'. In a post-traditional context where the institutions have become reflexive, the propositions of experts are opened to critique by the citizens and passive trust is not enough, trust must become active. To generate active trust expert knowledge must be democratically validated. Indeed, scientific statements are now treated by the public as contestable propositional truths and this is why expert systems need to become dialogical. Hence his call for a 'dialogic democracy'. What is at stake is the creation of active trust generating social solidarity among individuals and groups. Active trust implies a reflexive engagement of lay people with expert systems instead of their reliance on expert authority.\n\nIn an argument akin to the one made by Beck about the need to transform expert systems in democratic public spheres, Giddens argues for the necessity of democratizing the main institutions of society (including the family) by opening them to debate and contestation. The aim is to promote the value of autonomy in the widest possible range of social relations and this requires the establishment of small-scale public spheres where conflicts of interests could be resolved through public dialogue. He points out that such a process of democratization is driven by the expansion of social reflexivity and detraditionalization and that it is already at work in at least four social contexts: (1) in the realm of personal life where, in sexual relations, parent\u2013child relations and friendship, we are witnessing the emergence of an 'emotional democracy'; (2) in the organizational arena where bureaucratic hierarchies are being replaced by more flexible and decentralized sytems of authority; (3) in the development of social movements and self-help groups, where challenging different forms of authority and opening up spaces for public dialogue represents another potential for democratization; (4) at the global level, where democratizing tendencies drawing on a mixture of reflexivity, autonomy and dialogue may eventually generate a cosmopolitan global order.\n\nTo be sure, Giddens does not exclude the possibility of setbacks and he acknowledges that the reassertion of traditional relations may breed fundamentalism and violence, but he is basically optimistic about the future of post-traditional societies. He emphasizes the fact that, in reflexive modernity, traditions are forced to justify themselves and that only those which are made available to discursive justification will be able to persist. Moreover, this requisite of discursive justification creates conditions for a dialogue with other traditions as well as with alternative modes of behaviour. One can therefore expect the growing availability of a 'dialogic democracy' where one is ready to listen and to debate with the other, and this both on the level of personal life and on that of the global order.\n\nThe opening out of science is central to the project of dialogical democratization because, as in the field of 'emotional democracy', visibility and openness to public discussion are the preconditions for the advance of social reflexivity and the granting of autonomy. Giddens suggests that we should visualize dialogic democracy as linked to the development of what he calls 'pure relationship', i.e. a relationship into which one enters and remains for its own sake because of the rewards that associating with others brings. This type of pure relationship is found in the area of personal life and it is linked to the growth of 'emotional democracy' which he sees as the model for his dialogic approach. Indeed, there is according to Giddens a close link between pure relationship and dialogic democracy. Referring to the literature of marital and sexual therapy, he suggests that there are important parallels between the way they envisage the qualities required for a good relationship and the formal mechanisms of political democracy because in both cases the issue is of one of autonomy.\n\nGiddens summarizes his view in the following way:\n\nPressures towards democratization \u2013 which always face contrary influences \u2013 are created by the twin processes of globalization and institutional reflexivity. Detraditionalization disembeds local contexts of action and at the same time alters the character of the global order: even when they remain firmly adhered to, traditions are increasingly forced into contact with one another. Globalization, reflexivity and detraditionalization creates 'dialogic spaces' that must in some way be filled. These are spaces which can be engaged with dialogically, invoking mechanisms of active trust \u2013 but which can also be occupied by fundamentalisms.\n\n# A POST-POLITICAL VISION\n\nAs should be clear by now, what the approach advocated by Beck and Giddens aims at eliminating from politics is the notion of the 'adversary', which, in Chapter 2 I have presented as the central one for democratic politics. Both of them believe that in the current stage of reflexive modernity a 'democratization of democracy' can take place without having to define an adversary. The main political questions nowadays concern issues about adjudication between different lifestyle claims, about the extension of autonomy to all the spheres where dialogic democratization can be implemented in order to foster the development of reflexivity. They need to be decided by individuals not groups and framed in terms of 'life politics' (Giddens) and 'sub-politics' (Beck). The democratic debate is envisaged as a dialogue between individuals whose aim is to create new solidarities and extend the bases of active trust. Conflicts can be pacified thanks to the 'opening up' of a variety of public spheres where, through dialogue, people with very different interests will make decisions about the variety of issues which affect them and develop a relation of mutual tolerance allowing them to live together. Disagreements will of course exist but they should not take an adversarial form.\n\nTheir main argument is that, in post-traditional societies, we no longer find collective identities constructed in terms of we\/they, which means that political frontiers have dissipated. Collective and group-specific sources of meaning are suffering from exhaustion and individuals are now expected to live with a broad variety of global and personal risks without the old certainties. With the advent of risk society and the individualization of political conflicts, the old lines of conflict and partisan controversies have lost their relevance and the past clarities of politics are no longer effective. They contend that the adversarial model of politics, characteristic of simple modernity, has therefore become obsolete in the current stage of reflexive modernization and it needs to be discarded.\n\nThe key to the disappearance of collective identities is the dynamics of individualization which is seen by Beck and Giddens as being at the core of reflexive modernity. This process of individualization destroys the collective forms of life necessary for the emergence of collective consciousness and the kind of politics which corresponds to them. It is therefore completely illusory to try to foster class solidarity, given that the main experience of individuals today is precisely the very destruction of the conditions of collective solidarity. The growth of individualism undermines trade unions and parties and renders inoperative the type of politics which they used to foster. Beck, of course, has never believed that they were important since, as we have seen, he affirms that the main transformations undergone by our societies have not been the result of political struggles but have taken place unintended and unpolitically as the result of 'sideeffects'. Indeed he proclaims that his theory 'is not a theory of crisis or class, not a theory of decline, but rather a theory of the unintended, latent disembedding and re-embedding of industrial society due to the success of Western modernization'.\n\nIt is very revealing that the only type of radical opponent which such a model can envisage is the 'traditionalist' or the 'fundamentalist' who, in reaction against the development of the post-traditional society, attempts to reassert the old certainties of tradition. Those traditionalists or fundamentalists, by their very rejection of the advances of reflexive modernization, place themselves against the course of history and obviously they cannot be allowed to participate in the dialogical discussion. In fact, if we accept the distinction which I have proposed between 'enemy' and 'adversary', this type of opponent is not an adversary but an enemy, i.e. one whose demands are not recognized as legitimate and who must be excluded from the democratic debate.\n\nSeveral crucial consequences follow from the erasure of the place of the adversary and in the following chapter I will argue that it sheds light on the antagonistic form taken by some current political struggles. At this point what is important to stress is that, by declaring the end of the adversarial model of politics, the Beck\/Giddens approach forecloses the possibility of giving an 'agonistic' form to political conflicts; the only possible form of opposition is the 'antagonistic' one. Indeed, if we accept to envisage the domain of politics according to their framework, we end up with the following picture: on one side, a mutiplicity of 'sub-political' struggles about a variety of 'life issues' which can be dealt with through dialogue; on the other side, either the old-fashioned 'traditionalists' or, more worryingly, the 'fundamentalists' fighting a backward struggle against the forces of progress.\n\nBeck and Giddens are of course convinced that the 'forces of progress' will prevail and that a cosmopolitan order will be established, but how will we get there and what will happen in the meantime? How are we going, for instance, to address the profound inequalities which exist today in the world? It is noteworthy that neither Beck nor Giddens has much to say about power relations and the way they structure our societies. They emphasize social fluidity and completely ignore the way in which 'reflexive modernity' has seen the emergence of a new class whose power will have to be challenged if the basic institutions of the 'post-traditional' society are to be democratized. Likewise, it is clear that the movement against bureaucratization, which Giddens sees as an important domain of what he calls 'generative politics', will not take place without a struggle against the managers whose power will have to be curtailed. As far as concerns ecological issues, on which they put great emphasis, it is remarkable that neither of them seems to realize how deeply many of the problems related to the environment have to do with neo-liberal policies with their prioratizing of profit and market mechanisms. In all the crucial areas where power structures are at stake, their non-conflictual political approach is unable to pose the adequate questions. Politics, as Perry Anderson points out, commenting on Giddens, is not an exchange of opinions but a contest for power and he warns that 'The danger of conceiving democratic life as a dialogue is that we may forget that its primary reality remains strife'. Without grasping the structure of the current hegemonic order and the type of power relations through which it is constituted, no real democratization can ever get off the ground. Whatever its proponents might claim, the 'dialogical' approach is far from being radical because no radical politics can exist without challenging existing power relations and this requires defining an adversary, which is precisely what such a perspective forecloses.\n\n# DIALOGIC DEMOCRACY VERSUS AGONISTIC DEMOCRACY\n\nI want to make sure that my criticism of Beck and Giddens is not misunderstood. In no way am I arguing here in favour of the traditional conception of revolutionary politics. I do agree that democratic politics cannot take the form of a friend\/enemy confrontation without leading to the destruction of the political association. And I have already made clear my allegiance to the basic principles of pluralist democracy. But that does not mean that any kind of adversarial confrontation is thereby foreclosed and that we are bound to endorse a consensual, dialogic approach. As I have argued in Chapter 2, the fundamental question for democratic theory is to envisage how the antagonistic dimension \u2013 which is constitutive of the political \u2013 can be given a form of expression that will not destroy the political association. I suggested that it required distinguishing between the categories of 'antagonism' (relations between enemies) and 'agonism' (relations between adversaries) and envisaging a sort of 'conflictual consensus' providing a common symbolic space among opponents who are considered as 'legitimate enemies'. Contrary to the dialogic approach, the democratic debate is conceived as a real confrontation. Adversaries do fight \u2013 even fiercely \u2013 but according to a shared set of rules, and their positions, despite being ultimately irreconcilable, are accepted as legitimate perspectives. The fundamental difference between the 'dialogical' and the 'agonistic' perspectives is that the aim of the latter is a profound transformation of the existing power relations and the establishment of a new hegemony. This is why it can properly be called 'radical'. To be sure, it is not the revolutionary politics of the jacobin type, but neither is it the liberal one of competing interests within a neutral terrain or the discursive formation of a democratic consensus.\n\nSuch an understanding of the 'adversary' is precisely what the Beck\/Giddens approach is unable to visualize and this is why they remain squarely within the traditional parameters of liberal politics. Their 'democratizing of democracy' should therefore not be confounded with the 'radical democracy' that Ernesto Laclau and I advocated as early as 1985 in Hegemony and Socialist Strategy. It is in fact worth spelling out the differences between the two perspectives, particularly since, at first sight, there might seem to exist many similarities. For instance, our book is also a critique of the jacobin model of politics and we acknowledge that politics is now taking place in a multiplicity of domains hitherto considered as nonpolitical. One of the central theses of Hegemony and Socialist Strategy is the need to take account of all the democratic struggles which have emerged in a variety of social relations and which, we argued, could not be apprehended through the category of 'class'. Those struggles, usually designated as the 'new social movements', constitute the field of what Beck calls 'sub-politics' and Giddens 'life political issues'. There is therefore agreement on the importance of enlarging the domain of politics. But our perspectives diverge concerning the way political struggle should be envisaged. For us the radicalization of democracy requires the transformation of the existing power structures and the construction of a new hegemony. In our view, the building of a new hegemony implies the creation of a 'chain of equivalence' among the diversity of democratic struggles, old and new, in order to form a 'collective will', a 'we' of the radical democratic forces. This can be done only by the determination of a 'they', the adversary that has to be defeated in order to make the new hegemony possible. While keeping our distance from the leninist tradition of total revolutionary break, and stressing that our understanding of radical democracy was compatible with the maintenance of the institutions of the so-called 'formal democracy', we nevertheless also parted company with the liberal approach of the neutrality of the state. Despite its shortcomings, we see the marxist tradition as having made an important contribution to our understanding of the dynamics of the capitalist system and its consequences over the ensemble of social relations. This is why, contrary to Beck and Giddens, we acknowledge the crucial role played by economic power in the structuring of an hegemonic order.\n\nIf the 'reflexive democracy' approach can envisage the democratization of democracy as the smooth extension of the dialogical framework to all areas of society it is because they remain blind to the hegemonic dimension of politics. Beck's and Giddens's dismisal of the adversarial model as an outdated way of structuring the political field is the consequence of their incapacity to acknowledge the hegemonic constitution of social reality. Despite making some gestures towards asserting the discursive nature of the social, they overlook one crucial aspect of this process: the role of power relations in the construction of all forms of objectivity. Add to that their belief that collective identities have disappeared as a consequence of individualization processes, and it is not surprising that they are unable to grasp the dynamics of politics.\n\n# THE RHETORICS OF MODERNIZATION\n\nThe theorists of reflexive modernization present the politics that they advocate as being grounded in their sociological analysis. They assert that they are merely drawing the consequences in the field of politics of the transformations which have been happening in our societies: the loss of relevance of collective identities and the obsolescence of the adversarial model. This gives an appearance of scientificity and incontestability to their post-political vision, making all those who disagree with them seem prisoners of an old-fashioned framework.\n\nThe key word of this strategy is of course 'modernization', whose effect is to discriminate between those who are in tune with the new conditions of the modern, post-traditional world and those who still cling desperately to the past. To use 'modernization' in such a way is no doubt a powerful rhetorical gesture which allows them to draw a political frontier between 'the moderns' and 'the traditionalists or fundamentalists', while at the same time denying the political character of their move. Despite their thesis about the disappearance of the we\/they distinction and its centrality in politics, it is not surprising that neither Beck nor Giddens can avoid establishing a frontier between we and they. This was to be expected, since such a frontier, as we have seen earlier, is constitutive of politics. But by presenting it, in a supposedly neutral way, as sociological evidence, they deny its political nature.\n\nSuch a denial constitutes the typical post-political gesture and it repays close examination which will bring us important insights. As we have just seen, while announcing the end of the adversarial model, Beck and Giddens cannot escape defining an adversary or enemy, who is the 'fundamentalist' opposing the process of reflexive modernization. So the 'we' of the 'modern people', i.e. those who are part of the movement of reflexive modernization, is constructed by the determination of a 'they', the traditionalists or fundamentalists who oppose this movement. They cannot take part in the dialogic process, whose borders are in fact constituted by their very exclusion. What is this, if not a typical friend\/enemy discrimination, but one which, as I have indicated, is not recognized as such because it is presented as a sociological fact and not as a political, partisan gesture?\n\nWhat should we conclude from this? It means that, contrary to their claims, the political in its antagonistic dimension has not disappeared, but in this case it manifests itself under a different guise, as a mechanism of exclusion justified on pseudo-scientific grounds. What is really problematic from a political point of view is that such a mode of drawing the political frontier is not conducive to a vibrant democratic debate. When an exclusion is justified in this way, it is not open to political contestation and it is shielded from democratic discussion. Demands which are presented as coming from the traditionalists or fundamentalists can thereby be ignored in good conscience by 'dialogical' democrats.\n\nIn the next chapter, when I discuss the political consequences of the denial of the constitutive nature of antagonism, I will have the opportunity of giving other examples of the post-political legerdemain, which consists in drawing a political frontier while denying its political character. But before we reach this point, I want to examine the attempt to link the theses of 'reflexive modernity' to the concrete political strategy of the so-called 'radical centre'.\n\n# GIDDENS AND THE THIRD WAY\n\nThe main player in this field is Giddens, who is usually credited with the attempt to lay the intellectual foundations for the centre-left position referred to as 'the third way'. In two books, The Third Way and The Third Way and Its Critics, published respectively in 1998 and 2000, he tried to draw the consequences of his sociological theory for practical politics and made a series of proposals for the 'redefinition of social democracy after the death of socialism'. Scrutinising these will provide us with a privileged standpoint to test the impact of the post-political approach in the practice of politics.\n\nSocial democracy, asserts Giddens, must come to terms with the end of the bipolar world system and the demise of the communist model. In his view, the identity of social democrats has been thrown into crisis by the collapse of communism because, although they defined themselves in opposition to communism, they shared some of its perspectives. The time has therefore come for a radical rethinking. This, he says, requires facing five dilemmas: (1) the implications of globalization; (2) the consequences of the spread of individualism; (3) the loss of meaning of the left\/right divide; (4) the fact that politics is taking place outside the orthodox mechanisms of democracy; (5) the need to take account of the ecological problems.\n\nThe background of his thesis is that, under the present conditions of globalization, the Keynesian form of economic management, which was a cornerstore of social democracy, has been drastically weakened. Moreover, with the defeat of socialism as a theory of economic management, one of the main dividing lines between left and right has disappeared. Social democrats must acknowledge that there is no alternative to capitalism. Drawing on his theory of reflexive modernization, Giddens criticizes classical social democracy for the centrality it attributes to the state in social and economic life and for its distrust of civil society. This makes it very badly prepared to grasp the nature of the new individualism, which it accuses of destroying common values and public concerns. Viewing the growth of individualization processes with suspicion, social democrats miss the potential for greater democratization which those processes entail. They cling to the traditional institutions of the welfare state without realizing that the concept of collective provision has to be rethought and that, since we now live in a more open and reflective manner, a new balance between individual and collective responsibility has to be found.\n\nAccording to Giddens, 'The overall aim of third way politics should be to help citizens pilot their way through the major revolutions of our time: globalization, transformations in personal life and our relationship to nature'. He extols a positive attitude towards globalization, but envisaged as a wide phenomenon, not merely as a global market. Endorsing free trade, he recommends checking its destructive consequences by a concern with social justice. Finally, he declares that collectivism has to be relinquished and that expanding individualism needs to be accompanied by an extension of individual obligations. What is at stake is the establishment of a new relationship between the individual and the community whose motto could be 'no rights without responsibilities'. Another motto of third way politics is 'no authority without democracy'. In a post-traditional society, he claims, democracy is the only route to the justification of authority and he puts great emphasis on the creation of active trust as the way to maintain social cohesion and sustain social solidarity in contexts of reflexive modernization.\n\nTo allow for a widening of democracy, argues Giddens, it is necessary to reform the state and government to make them act in partnership with civil society. The kind of reforms that he advocates include decentralization, expanding the role of the public sphere, fostering of administrative efficiency, new experiments with democracy beyond orthodox voting processes and increased intervention in the field of risk management. Third way politics aims in this way at the creation of a new democratic state which will act in close co-operation with civil society in the context of a new mixed economy, which Giddens describes in the following way: 'The new mixed economy looks instead for a synergy between public and private sectors, utilizing the dynamism of markets but with the public interest in mind. It involves a balance between regulation and deregulation, on the transnational as well as national and local levels; and a balance between the economic and the non-economic in the life of the society'. The welfare state is not going to be abandoned but the relationship between risk and security should be shifted so as to create a society of 'responsible risks takers'. Similarly the meaning of redistribution should be shifted towards the 'redistribution of possibilities'.\n\nParticularly relevant for my argument is Giddens's assertion that third way politics is 'one-nation politics' because it underlines the non-conflictual nature of his political project. This, of course, chimes with the central tenets of his sociological theory, which, as we have seen, erases the dimension of antagonism from the political. In post-traditional societies disagreements do exist, but they can be overcome through dialogue and education; they are not the expression of fundamental conflicts and society is no longer marked by class division. Indeed it is the very concept of class that his 'life politics' intends to abolish and to replace by questions of 'lifestyle'.\n\nIt is also worth underlining that Giddens designates this new democratic state as 'the state without enemies' and much of his argument is based on the idea that, with the passing of the bipolar era, states now face not enemies but dangers; hence the need to look for other sources of legitimacy than the ones provided by the threat of war. Those considerations were of course published before the events of 11 September 2001 and today, with the unleashing of the 'war against terrorism', they seem hopelessly outdated. I reckon, however, that Giddens might want to stick to his position, explaining those events as temporary setbacks provoked by the reactions of the fundamentalists to the advances of reflexive modernization.\n\nHow should we evaluate Giddens's political proposals? He claims that his aim is to contribute to a renewal of social democracy, but it is clear that this supposed renewal consists in making the social democratic project basically resign itself to accepting the present stage of capitalism. This is a drastic move since the aim of social democracy has always been to confront the systemic problems of inequality and instability generated by capitalism. However, having decreed that there is no alternative, Giddens feels entitled to relinquish this supposedly outdated dimension. He simply overlooks the systemic connections existing between global market forces and the variety of problems \u2013 from exclusion to environmental risks \u2013 that his politics pretends to tackle. It is only on this condition that he can envisage a 'dialogical politics' transcending the adversarial model and able to produce solutions benefiting all sectors of society. Such a consensual, post-political perspective is characterized by a side-stepping of fundamental conflicts and by an evasion of any critical analysis of modern capitalism. This is why it is unable to challenge the hegemony of neo-liberalism.\n\n# NEW LABOUR'S 'RENEWAL' OF SOCIAL DEMOCRACY\n\nWe find a confirmation of this fit between neo-liberal hegemony and the 'third way' when we examine how Giddens's proposals for a renewed social democracy have informed the politics of New Labour. I do not intend to make a detailed analysis of the various policies of the Blair government: it will be enough to indicate its principal orientation. The question I want to ask is: how radical is the politics of this so-called 'radical centre' and what kind of consensus has it tried to implement? And the answer is really depressing. As Stuart Hall has pointed out, instead of challenging the neo-liberal hegemony implemented by eighteen years of Thatcherite rule, New Labour has picked up where Thatcherism left off. Blair chose to adapt to the neo-liberal terrain, albeit in a distinctive way. His project has been to absorb social democracy into neo-liberalism. New Labour long-term strategy, says Hall, is 'the transformation of social democracy into a particular variant of free market neo-liberalism'. Some social democratic objectives, aiming for instance at a certain level of redistribution and improvements of public services, are present but they are subordinated to the neo-liberal agenda of setting the corporate economy free of the regulations which previous social democratic governments had installed to control capitalism. The welfare state has been 'modernized' by the introduction of internal markets and the spread of management techniques promoting the key 'entrepreneurial values' of efficiency, choice and selectivity. True, the state is not seen as the enemy as in the case of neo-liberalism, but its role has been completely transformed. It is no longer 'to support the less fortunate or powerful in a society which \"naturally\" produces huge inequalities of wealth, power and opportunity, but to help individuals themselves to provide for all their social needs \u2013 health, education, environmental, travel, housing, parenting, security in unemployment, pensions in old age, etc'. This is how 'active government' is understood by New Labour.\n\nJohn Gray, who also stresses the importance of neo-liberal ideology and the cult of the market in the intellectual formation of New Labour, argues that, in the field of privatizations, Blair went even further than Thatcher would have envisaged. He gives as examples the introduction of market forces into the justice system and the prison services and notes: 'Here the market was being inserted in core of the state itself \u2013 a move that in Thatcher's time only the right-wing think-thanks supported'. Other policies in which he sees Blair going further than Thatcher include the deregulation of postal services and the injection of market forces into the National Health Service.\n\nA very clear sign of New Labour renunciation of its left identity is that it has abandoned the struggle for equality. The slogan of the party has now become to provide 'choice'. Classes have disappeared and the key terms today are those of 'inclusion' and 'exclusion'. Society is viewed as basically composed of middle classes; the only exceptions are a small elite of the very rich on one side and those who are 'excluded' on the other. This view of the social structure provides the basis for the 'consensus at the centre' that New Labour is advocating. This of course chimes with the tenet that 'post-traditional' societies are no longer structured through unequal power relations. By redefining the structural inequalities systematically produced by the market in terms of 'exclusion', one can dispense with the structural analysis of their causes, thereby avoiding the fundamental question of which changes in power relations are needed to tackle them. It is only in that way that a 'modernized' social democracy can eschew the traditional identity of the left and situate itself 'beyond left and right'.\n\nOne of the ways advocated by Giddens to transcend the old left\/right division consists in establishing partnerships between the state and civil society and this idea has been enthusiastically adopted by New Labour through 'public\u2013private partnerships' (PPP) \u2013 with disastrous results for public services. There is no need to retell here the disastrous story of the railways. The failure of the attempt to entrust to private companies the running of such a vital part of the transport system has been so blatant that the state had to be brought back. However this does not seem to have diminished New Labour's fervour for the PPP, which it still tries to impose in other areas. The PPP strategy is of course paradigmatic of the third way: neither state (left) nor private sector (right), but their supposed harmonious partnership, with the state putting up the money for investments and the entrepreneurs reaping the profits and of course with the citizens (consumers in New Labour parlance) suffering accordingly!\n\nThis is how a supposed renewal of social democracy has produced a 'social democratic variant of neo-liberalism' (Hall). The case of New Labour makes clear that the refusal to acknowledge that a society is always hegemonically constituted through a certain structure of power relations leads to accepting the existing hegemony and remaining trapped within its configuration of forces. This is the necessary outcome of a 'consensus at the centre' which pretends that the adversarial model has been overcome. Instead of being the terrain where an agonistic debate takes place between left and right policies, politics is reduced to 'spinning'. Since there is no fundamental difference between them, parties will try to sell their products by clever marketing with the help of advertising agencies. The consequence has been a growing disaffection with politics and a drastic fall in participation in elections. How long will it take before citizens completely lose faith in the democratic process?\n\n# Current Challenges to the Post-political Vision\n\n# Four\n\nIf we are to believe the optimistic picture put forward by the theorists of 'reflexive modernization' and the politicians of the 'third way', notwithstanding some rearguard resistance to progress, the basic trend nowadays is towards a unified and pacified world. However, this is far from being the case and their post-political vision has increasingly been contradicted from many quarters. To be sure, in recent decades the frontiers between left and right have become increasingly blurred. But instead of creating the conditions for a more mature democracy, what we have witnessed in many Western societies is a loss of legitimacy of democratic institutions. Moreover, as far as international politics is concerned, the end of the bipolar world order has led not to a more harmonious system but to the explosion of a multiplicity of new antagonisms. Even before the dramatic events of 11 September 2001 and the 'war on terrorism' that they unleashed, it was already clear that antagonisms, far from having disappeared, were manifesting themselves in new forms in both national and international contexts.\n\nFor instance, the shallowness of the post-political approach had already been revealed by the emergence in several European countries of right-wing populist parties whose success confounded liberal theorists and commentators alike. How could they explain that, contrary to their claims about the demise of collective identities, so many people in advanced societies could be attracted by parties appealing to supposedly 'archaic' forms of identifications such as 'the people'? Having celebrated the arrival of a new kind of non-partisan individualist voter, detached from traditional affiliations, who was rationally 'picking and choosing' among different party policies, how could dialogic theorists make sense of this sudden eruption of populist passions?\n\nA first answer was to attribute this phenomenon to a context in which past atavisms had not yet been overcome. This is, for instance, how the success of the Freedom Party in Austria was interpreted. The accepted view was that J\u00f6rg Haider's appeal was due to the fact that Austria was a country that had not yet managed to come to terms with its nazi past. No need to worry, this was a special case and such a phenomenon could not reproduce itself in other countries.\n\nHowever, the inadequacy of this facile explanation based on the 'remains of the past' was quickly revealed by the emergence of similar parties in many other countries with a very different history. It is obviously impossible to attribute the growing success of right-wing populist parties in Belgium, Denmark, Switzerland, the Netherlands, Norway, Italy and France (to list only the most important ones) to the absence in those countries of a critical relationship with their past. So liberal theorists looked for other explanations to fit their rationalist approach, insisting for instance on the role of uneducated, lower-class voters, susceptible to being attracted by demagogues. In vain, because sociological analyses clearly indicate that voters for populist parties can be found in all sectors of the electorate.\n\nDo we have to conclude then that there is no common explanation for this new kind of right-wing populism? I do not believe this to be the case and I am convinced that it is certainly not a coincidence that we have witnessed in recent years the unexpected rise of parties whose success is based on their populist rhetorics. But instead of looking for the causes in signs of 'backwardness', either in the history of the country or in the social status of the electorate, it is to the shortcomings of the main political parties that we have to turn our attention.\n\n# RIGHT-WING POPULISM\n\nWhen we examine the state of democratic politics in all the countries where right-wing populism has made serious inroads, we find a striking similarity. Their growth has always taken place in circumstances where the differences between the traditional democratic parties have become much less significant than before. In some cases, as in Austria, this was due to a long period of coalition government; in others, as in France, to the move towards the centre of parties previously clearly situated at the left of the political spectrum. But in each case a consensus at the centre had been established, which did not allow voters to make of a real choice between significantly different policies. In countries where the electoral sytem did not discriminate against third parties, right-wing demagogues were therefore able to articulate the desire for an alternative to the stifling consensus.\n\nThe case of Austria is particularly interesting because it provides one of the earliest corroboration of my argument. The consensus at the centre was established there soon after the end of the Second World War through the creation of a 'grand coalition' between the conservative People's Party (\u00d6VP) and the Socialist Party (SP\u00d6). They devised a form of co-operation thanks to which they were able to control the life of the country in a variety of fields: political, economic, social and cultural. The 'Proporz system' allowed them to divide the most important posts in the banks, hospitals, schools and nationalized industries between their respective elites. This created the ideal terrain for a talented demagogue like J\u00f6rg Haider who, when he took control in 1986 of the Freedom Party of Austria (FP\u00d6) \u2013 a party that was almost facing extinction \u2013 was able to transform it into a protest party against the 'grand coalition'. By actively mobilizing the themes of popular sovereignty, he quickly managed to articulate the growing resistances to the way in which the country was governed by the coalition of elites.\n\nHaider's discursive strategy consisted in constructing a frontier between a 'we' of all the good Austrians, hard workers and defenders of national values and a 'they' composed of the parties in power, the trade unions, bureaucrats, foreigners, left-wing intellectuals and artists, who were all presented as impeding a real democratic debate. Thanks to this populist strategy the FP\u00d6 experienced a dramatic surge in electoral support and its share of the votes increased steadily until the November 1999 elections when it became the second party in the country, slightly overtaking the conservatives with 27 per cent.\n\nSince then, of course, participation in government has seriously weakened the position of the party, which has steadily been losing ground in all elections, local as well as national \u2013 to the point that in the European elections held in June 2004, its score was reduced to 6.7 per cent. It would be highly instructive to scrutinize the reasons for such a decline. For instance one could interpret it as providing a good argument against the strategy of Ausgrenzung (exclusion) which had been dominant in Austrian politics till then and according to which the aim of the two main parties had been to exclude the FP\u00d6 from participating in government. However, this is not my concern here. What I want to emphasize is that, contrary to the widespread view, it is certainly not the appeal to supposed nazi nostalgia which accounts for the dramatic rise of the FP\u00d6 but the ability of Haider to construct a powerful pole of collective identification around the opposition between 'the people' and the 'consensus elites'. Indeed, this is precisely this 'anti-establishment' pole that the party was unable to sustain once it became part of the governing coalition.\n\nThe construction of a similar anti-establishment bloc explains the success of the Vlaams Blok (VB) in Belgium. The stronghold of the party is located in Antwerp, where a coalition between socialists and Christian democrats has monopolized political power for several decades. This has allowed the VB to present itself as the only real alternative to those that it opposes as 'corrupt elites'. In this case the 'cordon sanitaire' established by the main parties to prevent the VB (recently renamed Vlaams Belang) from coming to power is still in place but the party has been going from strength to strength, becoming the second most important party in the whole of Flanders in the 2004 European elections, with 24.1 per cent.\n\nAs far as France is concerned, it is notable that the rise of the Front National started in the 1980s when, after Mitterrand's victory, the Socialist Party began to move towards the political centre, abandonning all pretence at offering an alternative to the existing hegemonic order. This allowed Jean-Marie Le Pen to claim that he was the only one to challenge the dominant consensus. The solutions he proposes are of course unacceptable but one cannot deny the political character of his discourse. At the 2002 presidential elections, which were notable for the fact that the two main candidates, Jacques Chirac and Lionel Jospin, were advocating very similar policies, it should therefore not have been such a surprise that Le Pen got a high vote, thereby eliminating Jospin from the second round. Since then, despite an electoral system which does not make it easy to translate the total percentage of votes into effective mandates, the party has been able to maintain itself more or less at the level of 13 per cent.\n\n# THE DANGERS OF THE CONSENSUS MODEL\n\nThis very quick look at some recent populist successes should be enough to illustrate one of the central theses of this chapter, in which I will demonstrate the negative consequences of the absence of agonistic channels for the expression of conflicts, both in domestic and in international politics. With respect to domestic politics, it is my contention that the strong appeal of 'anti-establishment' parties is due to the incapacity of established democratic parties to put forward significant alternatives and that it can only be grasped within the context of the consensual mode of politics prevalent today.\n\nThe growing success of populist parties provides an excellent illustration of several of the theses I have asserted in earlier chapters. I start by returning to what I said concerning the proclaimed end of the adversarial model of politics, usually celebrated as a progress for democracy. I argued that, as a consequence of the blurring of the frontiers between left and right and the absence of an agonistic debate among democratic parties, a confrontation between different political projects, voters did not have the possibility of identifying with a differentiated range of democratic political identities. This created a void that was likely to be occupied by other forms of identifications which could become problematic for the working of the democratic system. I asserted that, despite the announced disappearance of collective identities and the victory of individualism, the collective dimension could not be eliminated from politics. If they were not available through traditional parties, collective identities were likely to be provided in other forms. This is clearly what is happening with right-wing populist discourse, which is replacing the weakened left\/right opposition by a new type of we\/they constructed around an opposition between 'the people' and 'the establishment'. Contrary to those who believe that politics can be reduced to individual motivations, the new populists are well aware that politics always consists in the creation of a 'we' versus a 'they' and that it requires the creation of collective identities. Hence the powerful appeal of their discourse which offers collective forms of identification around 'the people'.\n\nIf we relate this to the other point I made concerning the importance of the affective dimension in politics and the need to mobilize passions through democratic channels, we can understand why the rationalist model of democratic politics, with its emphasis on dialogue and rational deliberation, is particularly vulnerable when confronted with a populist politics offering collective identifications with a high affective content like 'the people'. In a context where the dominant discourse proclaims that there is no alternative to the current neo-liberal form of globalization and that we should accept its dictats, it is not surprising that a growing number of people are listening to those who proclaim that alternatives do exist and that they will give back to the people the power to decide. When democratic politics has lost its capacity to mobilize people around distinct political projects and when it limits itself to securing the necessary conditions for the smooth working of the market, the conditions are ripe for political demagogues to articulate popular frustration.\n\nFor some time the case of Britain seemed to provide a counter-example to such an evolution; however the recent success of the Independence Party in the 2004 European elections suggests that things might be changing. It is of course too early to predict the fate of such a party, and the British electoral system certainly does facilitate the rise of third parties. But the dramatic surge in the share of the votes needs to be taken seriously. It is undeniable that all the conditions nowadays exist in Britain for a right-wing populist party to exploit the popular frustration. Since the move to the right of New Labour under the leadership of Tony Blair, many traditional Labour voters no longer feel represented by the party. The demands of an increasing proportion of the popular sectors have been left out of the political agenda and they could easily be articulated through a populist discourse by a skilful demagogue. This is what has already been happening in many European countries and we could easily witness a similar phenomenon in British politics.\n\nIt is high time to realize that, to a great extent, the success of right-wing populist parties comes from the fact that they articulate, albeit in a very problematic way, real democratic demands which are not taken into account by traditional parties. They also provide people with some form of hope, with the belief that things could be different. Of course it is an illusory hope, founded on false premises and unacceptable mechanisms of exclusion where xenophobia usually plays a central role. But when they are the only channels for the expression of political passions, their pretence to represent an alternative is very seductive. This is why I submit that the success of right-wing populist parties is the consequence of the lack of a vibrant democratic debate in our post-democracies. It proves that, far from benefiting democracy, the blurring of the left\/right frontier is undermining it. Through the drawing of new political frontiers the terrain is being created for the emergence of collective identities whose nature is inimical to democratic treatment.\n\nThe response of traditional parties to the rise of right-wing populism has clearly contributed to exacerbating the problem. Instead of scrutinizing the political, social and economic causes of this new phenomenon, they have quickly dismissed its novelty by labelling it as 'extreme-right'. This move allowed them to evade the question of its specificity and its causes and to avoid examining whether the 'good democrats' did not have some responsibility for the popular rejection of the established political institutions. The explanation was already at hand: it was the 'brown plague' rearing its ugly head again and it called for all the democratic forces to unite in resisting the reappearance of this evil force. This is why moral condemnation and the setting up of a 'cordon sanitaire' have so often constituted the answer to the rise of right-wing populist movements.\n\n# POLITICS IN THE REGISTER OF MORALITY\n\nThis moralistic reaction brings to light another very important shortcoming of the post-political perspective. The lack of a political analysis was, of course, to be expected on several grounds. Given that the dominant view was that the adversarial model of politics had been overcome and that collective political identities did not fit in with the 'second modernity', the emergence of right-wing populism could be interpreted only as the return of some archaic forces. This is why the category of the 'extreme right' came very handy. Furthemore, given that the tenets of the dominant perspective did not allow presenting the confrontation with right-wing populist parties as a manifestation of the adversarial model of politics, those parties could not be envisaged in political terms, i.e. as adversaries to be fought politically. So it was very convenient to draw the frontier at the moral level between 'the good democrats' and the 'evil extreme right'.\n\nNote that there was an added bonus in this move, which was to create the 'constitutive outside' necessary to secure the identity of the 'we' of the consensual forces. As I have stressed earlier, there is no consensus without exclusion, no 'we' without a 'they' and no politics is possible without the drawing of a frontier. So, some form of frontier was necessary in order to establish the identity of the 'good democrats'. The trick was done by designating the 'they' as the 'extreme right'. In a typical liberal legerdemain, a political 'we'\/'they' discrimination could in this way be instituted at the same time that its political character was denied by presenting it as being of a moral nature. The identity of the good democrats could thereby be obtained by the exclusion of the evil extreme right, without putting in question the thesis that the adversarial model of politics has been overcome.\n\nAnother added bonus was that passions could be mobilized against what was designated as the 'extreme right', using the traditional repertoire of antifascist discourse. People were made to feel very good and very virtuous by simply participating in the denunciation of the 'evil forces'. Of course, this mobilization of passions was not acknowledged as such but perceived as the rational reaction of moral human beings wanting to defend universal values. In that way it was made congruent with the dominant rationalist perspective.\n\nThe reactions to the 2000 elections in Austria provide a telling example of this moralistic reaction to the rise of right-wing populisn. When a coalition government was established between the conservatives and the populists, the outcry in Europe was general and the other fourteen EU governments decided to impose diplomatic 'sanctions' on the Austrian government. In the name of the defence of European values and the struggle against racism and xenophobia \u2013 always easier to denounce in others than to fight at home \u2013 politicians of right and left joined forces to ostracize the new coalition before it had even done anything that could be deemed reprehensible. All the good democrats considered it their duty to condemn the coming to power of a party presented as 'neo-nazi'. Led by a militant press, very happy to have found a new devil to fight, an incredible campaign of demonization was launched, which very quickly included all the Austrians accused of not having been properly 'denazified'. The condemnation of racism and xenophobia in Austria become a useful way to guarantee the unity of the 'good democrats', who could thereby proclaim their allegiance to democratic values, while evading any critical examination of their own policies at home.\n\nWe should realize that a particularly perverse mechanism is at play in those moralistic reactions. This mechanism consists in securing one's goodness, through the condemnation of the evil in others. Denouncing others has always been a powerful and easy way to obtain a high idea of one's moral worth. It is a form of self-idealization very acutely examined by Fran\u00e7ois Flahaut under the name of 'puritanism of good feeling', which he describes in the following way: 'holding forth about doing good, sympathizing with the victims, expressing indignation about the wickedness of others'. According to him, in our utilitarian and rationalist age, this mode of self-idealization is what is left for people to escape from their own mediocrity, cast evil outside themselves and rediscover some form of heroism. This no doubt explains the increasing role played by the moralistic discourse in our post-political societies.\n\nThere is, in my view, a direct link between the weakening of the political frontier characteristic of the adversarial model and the 'moralization' of politics. By using the term 'moralization' in this context I do not mean, of course, that now people act in the field of politics in search of the common good, according to motives that would be more disinterested or impartial. What I want to indicate is that, instead of being constructed in political terms, the 'we'\/'they' opposition constitutive of politics is now constructed according to moral categories of 'good' versus 'evil'.\n\nWhat this change of vocabulary reveals is not, as some would have it, that politics has been replaced by morality but that politics is being played out in the moral register. It is in that sense that I am proposing to understand the 'moralization' of politics \u2013 to indicate not that politics has become more moral but that nowadays political antagonisms are being formulated in terms of moral categories. We are still faced with political friend\/enemy discriminations but they are now expressed using the vocabulary of morality. To be sure, this has already been the case for some time in international politics and those in the United States have always been particularly fond of using moral vocabulary to denounce their political enemies. George W. Bush's crusade against the 'axis of evil' has indeed many antecedents. Just remember Ronald Reagan and his 'evil empire'. But what is new is that, as the reactions to right-wing populism reveal, this moralization of politics is now taking place also in European domestic politics. And in this field it is clearly a consequence of the consensual post-adversarial model advocated by all those \u2013 arguably well-meaning theorists \u2013 who have contributed to the establishment of the post-political perspective.\n\nFar from creating the conditions for a more mature and consensual form of democracy, to proclaim the end of adversarial politics produces, then, exactly the opposite effect. When politics is played out in the register of morality, antagonisms cannot take an agonistic form. Indeed, when opponents are defined not in political but in moral terms, they cannot be envisaged as an 'adversary' but only as an 'enemy'. With the 'evil them' no agonistic debate is possible, they must be eradicated. Moreover as they are often considered as the expression of some kind of 'moral disease', one should not even try to provide an explanation for their emergence and success. This is why, as we have seen in the case of right-wing populism, moral condemnation replaces a proper political analysis and the answer is limited to the building of a 'cordon sanitaire' to quarantine the affected sectors.\n\nThere is some irony in the fact that the approach which claims that the friend\/enemy model of politics has been superseded ends up creating the conditions for the revitalization of the antagonistic model of politics that it has declared obsolete. However, there is no denying that the post-political perspective, by hindering the creation of a vibrant agonistic public sphere, leads to envisaging the 'they' as 'moral', i.e. 'absolute enemies', thereby fostering the emergence of antagonisms, which can jeopardize democratic institutions.\n\n# TERRORISM AS CONSEQUENCE OF A UNIPOLAR WORLD\n\nMy aim so far has been to bring to the fore the consequences of the dominant post-political perspective for the internal workings of democratic politics. Now, I would like to turn my attention to the international arena in order to put my agonistic approach to the test of world politics. Can we draw from recent international events some lessons concerning the consequences of not acknowledging the dimension of the political? How can we make sense of the events of 11 September 2001 and the multiplication of terrorist attacks within the agonistic framework? What could a properly political approach tell us about the antagonisms which have emerged in the last few years? On all those questions, it is worth listening again to Carl Schmitt.\n\nLet us first clarify an important issue. Some people have suggested that the strategy of the neo-conservatives who are behind George W. Bush's 'war against terrorism' is influenced by Schmitt's view of politics as friend\/enemy discrimination. They claim that visualizing politics in such a way creates a dangerous polarization between the 'civilized world' and the 'enemies of freedom'. Bush's crusade is then presented as the direct consequence of implementing a Schmittian understanding of the political. To find a way out of this predicament, we are told, it is urgent to come back to a consensual model of politics; what our globalized world needs is the implementation of a cosmopolitan liberal approach.\n\nThere is, I believe, a profound misunderstanding at play in this rapprochement between Schmitt and the neoconservatives. To be sure, Schmitt, as we have seen, repeatedly emphasized that the 'differentia specifica' of the political was the friend\/enemy discrimination. But he always stressed that such a discrimination had to be drawn in a properly political way, not on the basis of economics or ethics. He would certainly not have condoned Bush's use of the moral category of 'evil' to designate his enemies and he would have rejected his messianic discourse about the American duty to bring freedom and democracy to the world.\n\nIn fact, far from justifying Bush's strategy, Schmitt's approach provides us with many insights to undermine its basic tenets. Debunking its moralistic discourse helps us to understand the rhetorical moves which allow the current US government to confiscate and monopolize the idea of civilization. Schmitt was very critical of liberal universalism with its pretence of offering the true and only legitimate political system. He criticized the liberals for using the concept of 'humanity' as an ideological weapon of imperialist expansion and he saw humanitarian ethics as a vehicle of economic imperialism. And he pointed out that\n\nWhen a state fights its political enemy in the name of humanity, it is not a war for the sake of humanity, but a war wherein a particular state seeks to usurp a universal concept against its military opponent. At the expense of its opponent, it tries to identify itself with humanity in the same way as one can misuse peace, justice, progress and civilization in order to claim these as one's own and to deny the same to the enemy.\n\nThis, he thought, explained why wars waged in the name of humanity were particularly inhuman since all means were justified once the enemy had been presented as an outlaw of humanity. The drawing of the frontier between friend and enemy as between the 'civilized world' and its 'evil enemies' would have been seen by him as typical of the liberal universalism which, in the name of human rights, arrogated to itself the right and duty to impose its order on the rest of the world.\n\nSchmitt argued that there was no inclusion without exclusion, no norm without an exception, and he persistently exposed liberalism's pretence of complete inclusiveness and its claim to be speaking in the name of 'humanity'. He recognized, however, the rhetorical force of this identification with humanity, used by liberalism to render illegitimate any opposition to its rule. As William Rasch indicates, this was for Schmitt the central mechanism at work in the establishment of Western hegemony and he could not help admiring how the American system had managed to gain global hegemony by equating his particular interests with moral norms that were universally binding with the result that 'to oppose American hegemony is to oppose the universally good and common interests of humanity'.\n\nSchmitt, however, also warned that any attempt to impose one single model worldwide would have dire consequences. He was acutely aware of the dangers entailed by the direction in which international affairs were evolving. After the Second World War he dedicated an important part of his reflections to the decline of the political in its modern form and the loss by the state of its monopoly of the political. This was linked, in his view, to the dissolution of the 'Jus Publicum Europaeum', the inter-state European law which for three centuries had managed to keep war within certain limits. He was concerned by the consequences of this loss of monopoly because he feared that the decline of the state was creating the conditions for a new form of politics which he referred to as 'international civil war'. As long as the Jus Publicum Europaeum existed, limits were imposed to war, and hostility was not absolute; the enemy was not treated as a criminal and not seen as the last enemy of humankind. According to Schmitt, things began to change because of a convergence of various factors: the development of technological means of destruction, the liberal attempt to outlaw war and the reintroduction of the category of the 'just war' contributed to the emergence of a discriminatory conception of war. 'The discriminatory concept of the enemy as criminal and the attendant implication of justa causa run parallel to the intensification of the means of destruction and the disorientation of theaters of war. Intensification of the technical means of destruction opens the abyss of an equally destructive legal and moral discrimination.' Once a war could be deemed 'illegal', all limits to hostility were eliminated and the opponent was declared criminal and inhuman: the enemy became the 'absolute enemy'.\n\nIn Theory of the Partisan, published in 1963, Schmitt presents the partisan as the product of the dissolution of the classical state order structured around the demarcation between what is political and what is not political. The appearance of partisans is linked to the fact that the limitations of hostility have been lifted. Having been deprived of all rights, partisans find their rights in hostility. Once the legitimity which served as guarantee for their right and legal protection has been negated, it is in hostility that partisans finds a meaning for their cause. And Schmitt concludes his book with this chilling warning:\n\nIn a world where the protagonists rush into the abyss of total degradation before exterminating themselves physically, new types of absolute hostility are bound to emerge. Hostility will become so terrible that may be it will not even be possible any more to speak of enmity or hostility. Both will be outlawed and condemned in due form before the start of the operation of extermination. This operation will then be totally abstract and absolute... The negation of real hostility will in this way open the way to the work of extermination of an absolute hostility.\n\nSince 11 September 2001 Schmitt's reflections on the status of a 'post-statist politics' have become more relevant than ever. Indeed, they can help us grasp the conditions of emergence of new antagonisms. As Jean-Fran\u00e7ois Kerv\u00e9gan has suggested, they allow us to approach the question of terrorism in a very different way from the one currently accepted, i.e. as the work of isolated groups of fanatics. Taking our bearings from Schmitt, we can see terrorism as the product of a new configuration of the political which is characteristic of the type of world order being implemented around the hegemony of a single hyper-power.\n\nLike Kerv\u00e9gan I think that Schmitt's insights about the dangers of a unipolar world order throw light on the phenomenon of terrorism. It is certainly the case that there is a correlation between the now unchallenged power of the USA and the proliferation of terrorist groups. Of course in no way do I want to pretend that this is the only explanation for terrorism, which is due to a multiplicity of factors. But it is undeniable that it tends to flourish in circumstances in which there are no legitimate political channels for the expression of grievances. It is therefore not a coincidence that since the end of the cold war, with the untrammelled imposition of a neoliberal model of globalization under the dominance of the United States, we have witnessed a significant increase in terrorist attacks. Nowadays the possibility of maintaining socio-political models different from the Western ones has been drastically reduced since all international organizations are more or less directly under the control of Western powers led by the United States.\n\nEven liberal theorists such as Richard Falk and Andrew Strauss \u2013 whose cosmopolitan proposals I will examine in the next chapter \u2013 acknowledge the link between terrorism and the present world order when they say:\n\nWith the possibility of direct and formalized participation in the international system foreclosed, frustrated individuals and groups (especially when their own governments are viewed as illegitimate and hostile) have been turning to various modes of civic resistance, both peaceful and violent. Global terrorism is at the violent end of this spectrum of transnational protest, and its apparent agenda may be mainly driven by religious, ideological and regional goals rather than by resistance directly linked to globalization. But its extremist alienation is partly, at the very least, an indirect result of globalizing impacts that may be transmuted in the political unconscious of those so afflicted into grievances associated with cultural injustices.\n\nThe situation in the international arena is today in many respects similar to the one that I pointed out earlier in domestic politics: the absence of an effective pluralism entails the impossibility for antagonisms to find agonistic, i.e. legitimate, forms of expression. It is no wonder that, when they explode, those antagonims take extreme forms, putting into question the very basis of the existing order. The issue is once more the negation of the dimension of the political and the belief that the aim of politics \u2013 whether at the national or the international level \u2013 is to establish consensus on one single model, thereby foreclosing the possibility of legitimate dissent. The lack of political channels for challenging the hegemony of the neo-liberal model of globalization is, I contend, at the origin of the proliferation of discourses and practices of radical negation of the established order.\n\nSeen from this angle, terrorism highlights the dangers implied in the delusions of the universalist globalist discourse which postulates that human progress requires the establishment of world unity based on the implentation of the Western model. It shatters the illusions of the universalist humanitarians that antagonisms could be eliminated thanks to a unification of the world that would be achieved by transcending the political, conflict and negativity.\n\n# THE UNIVERSALITY OF LIBERAL DEMOCRACY\n\nI am convinced that facing the challenge posed by terrorism requires acknowledging the constitutive nature of pluralism and imagining the conditions for its implementation at the world level. This means breaking with the very deeply entrenched conviction in Western democracies that they are the embodiment of the 'best regime' and that they have the 'civilizing' mission of universalizing it. No small task indeed, since a great part of democratic theory is dedicated to proving the superiority of liberal democracy which is presented as the only just and legitimate regime, whose institutions would, in idealized conditions, be chosen by all rational individuals.\n\nOne of the most sophisticated defenders of the moral superiority and universal validity of liberal constitutional democracy is J\u00fcrgen Habermas, whose work I will use to illustrate this type of reasoning. Habermas's ambition since Between Facts and Norms has been to resolve a long-disputed issue concerning the nature of the Western constitutional state marked by the articulation of the rule of law and the defence of human rights with democracy understood as popular sovereignty. Liberals and democrats (or republicans) have always disagreed about which should have the priority \u2013 human rights or popular sovereignty. For liberals, following Locke, it is clear that private autonomy, guaranteed by human rights and the rule of law, was primary, while democrats (and republicans) argue, following Rousseau, that priority should be granted to political autonomy made possible by democratic self-legislation. While for liberals a legitimate government is one that protects individual liberty and human rights, for democrats the source of legitimacy lies in popular sovereignty.\n\nFor a rationalist like Habermas this unresolved competition is unacceptable and he ventured 'to demonstrate that there is a conceptual or internal relation, and not simply a historically contingent association between the rule of law and democracy'. He claims to have brought the dispute to a close thanks to his discourse-theoretical approach by showing the co-originality of private and public autonomy. Without entering into the details of a complex argument, this is in a nutshell how he summarizes it:\n\nthe desired internal relations between 'human rights' and 'popular sovereignty' consists in the fact that the requirement of legally institutionalizing self-legislation can be fulfilled only with the help of a code that simultaneously implies the guarantee of actionable individual liberties. By the same token, the equal distribution of these liberties (and their 'fair value') can in turn be satisfied only by a democratic procedure that grounds the supposition that the outcome of political opinion-and will-formation are reasonable. This shows how private and public autonomy reciprocally presuppose one another in such a way that neither one may claim primacy over the other.\n\nIn trying to reconcile the two elements of liberal democracy, the aim of Habermas is no less than to establish the privileged rational nature of liberal democracy and consequently its universal validity. Clearly, if liberal constitutional democracy is such a remarkable rational achievement \u2013 the reconciliation of the rule of law and human rights with democratic participation \u2013 on what grounds could one 'rationally' object to its implementation? Every opposition is automatically perceived as a sign of irrationality and moral backwardness and as being illegitimate. The implication is obviously that all societies should adopt liberal democratic institutions which are the only legitimate way to organize human coexistence. This is corroborated by Habermas when, taking up again the question of co-originality, but this time from the point of view of the mode of political legitimation and putting the emphasis on the legal system, he asks: 'What basic rights must free and equal citizens mutually accord one another if they want to regulate their common life legitimately by means of positive law?' His answer is, of course, that legitimacy can be obtained only through human rights which institutionalize the communicative conditions for a reasonable will formation.\n\nHuman rights, says Habermas, are 'Janus-faced', with a moral universal content but also with the form of legal rights; hence the need for them to be embodied in a legal order. According to him, 'human rights belong structurally to a positive and coercive legal order which founds actionable individual legal claims. To this extent, it is part of the meaning of human rights that they claim the status of basic rights which are implemented within the context of some existing legal order.' He recognizes that this creates a particular tension between their universal moral meaning and their local conditions of realization since so far they have achieved a positive form only within national legal orders of the democratic states. But he is convinced that their global institutionalization is well under way and that the worldwide acceptance of a system of cosmopolitan law is only a question of time.\n\nSuch a conviction is based on Habermas's belief that human rights are the answer given in the West to specific challenges posed by social modernity. He argues that, since all societies are now facing the same challenges, they are bound to adopt Western standards of legitimacy and legal systems based on human rights, independently of their cultural backgrounds. He is adamant that they provide the only acceptable basis of legitimation and that, whatever their origin, 'human rights confront us today with fact that leaves us no choice'. It is at the socio-economic level that the alternatives lie, not at the cultural one, and he declares peremptorily:\n\nAsiatic societies cannot participate in capitalistic modernization without taking advantage of the achievements of an individualistic legal order. One cannot desire the one and reject the other. From the perspective of Asian countries, the question is not whether human rights, as part of an individualistic legal order, are compatible with the transmission of one's own culture. Rather, the question is whether the traditional forms of political and societal integration can be asserted against \u2013 or must instead be adapted to \u2013 the hard-to-resist imperatives of an economic modernization.\n\nThere is no alternative to Westernization and, as William Rasch, commenting on this passage, points out, for Habermas 'despite his emphasis on procedure and the universality of his so-called \"discourse principle\", the choice that confronts \"Asiatic societies\" or any other people is a choice between cultural identity and economic survival, between in other words, cultural and physical extermination'.\n\nIf such is the alternative for non-Western societies, should we be suprised to witness the emergence of violent resistance? It is high time to wake up from the dream of Westernization and to realize that the enforced universalization of the Western model, instead of bringing peace and prosperity, will lead to ever bloodier reactions on the part of those whose cultures and ways of life are being destroyed by this process. It is also high time to question the belief in the unique superiority of liberal democracy. Such a belief is at the core of the liberal negation of the political and it constitutes a serious obstacle to the recognition that the world, as Schmitt observed, is not a 'universe' but a 'pluriverse'.\n\nThere is another aspect which reveals the anti-political nature of Habermas's approach. His discourse-theoretical understanding of democracy requires ascribing an epistemic function to democratic will-formation and, as he admits himself, 'the democratic procedure no longer draws its legitimizing force only, indeed not even predominantly, from political participation and the expression of political will, but rather from the general accessibility of a deliberative process whose structure grounds an expectation of rationally acceptable results'. What are those 'rationally acceptable results'? Who will decide on the limits to be imposed to the expression of political will? What are going to be the grounds for exclusion? On all those questions that liberals try to avoid, Schmitt is right when he says:\n\nWith regard to these decisive political concepts, it depends on who interprets, defines and uses them; who concretely decides what peace is, what disarmament, what intervention, what public order and security are. One of the most important manifestations of humanity's legal and spiritual life is the fact that whoever has true power is able to determine the content of concepts and words. Caesar dominus et supra grammaticam. Caesar is also lord over grammar.\n\nI have taken the example of Habermas to illustrate the liberal rationalist perspective but I should point out that, if the superiority of liberal democracy is a central tenet of the rationalist approach, such a belief is also shared by other liberals of different theoretical orientations. For instance, we find it also in some theorists who argue for a 'pragmatic' approach such as Richard Rorty. Despite being an eloquent critique of Habermas's rationalist brand of universalism, whose search for 'context-independent' arguments to justify the superiority of liberal democracy he rejects, Rorty nevertheless joins forces with Habermas in desiring its implementation worldwide. This is not to deny the significant differences existing between their respective approaches. Rorty distinguishes between 'universal validity' and 'universal reach' and in his view the universality of liberal democracy should be envisaged according to this second mode, since it is a matter not of rationality but of persuasion and economic progress. His disagreement with Habermas, however, only concerns the way of arriving at a universal consensus, not its very possibility, and he never puts into question the superiority of the liberal way of life.\n\nIn fact, Rorty's 'postmodern bourgeois liberalism' could serve as another example of the liberal negation of the political in its antagonistic dimension. For Rorty, politics is something to be deliberated about in banal, familiar terms. It is a matter of pragmatic, short-term reforms and compromises and democracy is basically a question of people becoming 'nicer' to each other and behaving in a more tolerant way. What 'we liberals' should do is to encourage tolerance and minimize suffering and to persuade other people of the worth of liberal institutions. Democratic politics consists in letting an increasing number of people count as members of our moral and conversational 'we'. He is convinced that, thanks to economic growth and the right kind of 'sentimental education', a consensus can be built worldwide around liberal democratic institutions.\n\nTo be sure, Rorty is not a rationalist and he is happy to go along with those who envisage the subject as a social construction, but he cannot accept that social objectivity is constructed through acts of power. This is why he is unable to acknowledge the hegemonic dimension of discursive practices and the fact that power is at the very core of the constitution of identities. This would of course force him to come to terms with the antagonistic dimension that is foreclosed by his liberal framework. Like Habermas he wants to retain the vision of a consensus that would not imply any form of exclusion and the availability of some form of realization of universality. This is why, no more than the Habermasian discourse-theoretical approach, can Rorty's pragmatism provide an adequate framework for a pluralist democratic politics.\n\n# Which World Order: Cosmopolitan or Multipolar?\n\n# Five\n\nWhen it comes to envisaging the kind of world order better suited to accommodate the democratic demands of a plurality of different constituencies, we find a similar evasion of the antagonistic dimension of the political. This is indeed one of the main shortcomings of the cosmopolitan approach, which, under different guises, is presented as the solution to our present predicament. A lot is at stake in the current debate about the most desirable type of world order and this is why we need to examine carefully the arguments of those who assert that with the end of the bipolar world the opportunity now exists for the establishment of a cosmopolitan world order. The theorists associated with this trend claim that, with the disappearance of the communist enemy, antagonisms are a thing of the past and that, in times of globalization, the cosmopolitan ideal elaborated by Kant can finally be realized.\n\nDespite recent setbacks which have dampened the post-cold war optimism about the establishment of the 'new world order', cosmopolitan views are still very fashionable and influential. However, I will take issue with them in this chapter, showing how the dream of a cosmopolitan future partakes of the negation of 'the political' which I have brought to the fore when examining the other aspects of the post-political perspective. Against the cosmopolitans I will assert that we should acknowledge the deeply pluralistic nature of the world and I will argue in favour of the establishment of a multipolar world order.\n\nProponents of the new cosmopolitanism share the liberal belief in the superiority of liberal democracy \u2013 the shortcomings of which I have already discussed \u2013 and they aim at extending liberal democratic principles to the sphere of international relations. One of their key proposals is to reform the United Nations and to increase the power of international judicial institutions in order to secure the primacy of law over force and the exercise of power. It is not a homogeneous trend, however, and, while they share some basic tenets about the need to overcome the limits of national sovereignty and on the possibility of a new form of politics 'beyond power politics', ruled by liberal principles and the respect of human rights, there are nevertheless some significant differences among them. Broadly speaking, one can distinguish a neoliberal version from a more democratic one. Most of the advocates of the neo-liberal version defend an idealized view of the United States, whose politics is presented as being driven not by national interest but by the promotion of liberal values: free trade and liberal democracy. This goes hand in hand with a glorification of globalization as bringing the benefits and virtues of capitalism to the whole world. They want us to believe that, under the 'benign' leadership of the USA and with the help of international institutions such as the IMF and the WTO, important steps are being taken towards the unification of the planet and the implementation of a just global order. What stands in the way of this capitalist utopia is the resistance of nation-states with old-fashioned ideas of sovereignty but, thanks to the advances of globalization, they will finally be overruled.\n\nIt is not worth spending much time on this uncritical celebration of neo-liberal hegemony. Its ideological bias is evident and it does not leave any space for politics. Everything is subordinated to the economic realm and the sovereignty of the market. The democratic version is more interesting because it does not see globalization as a merely economic, self-regulating process and it attributes a greater role to politics than its neo-liberal counterpart does. Different perspectives exist among its proponents which, as Nadia Urbinati has indicated, can be traced back to the way they envisage the relationship between civil society and politics. She distinguishes for instance between those who, like Richard Falk, privilege civil society as the principal locus of democracy and those who, like David Held and Daniele Archibugi, put the emphasis on the political realm and on the exercise of citizenship which in their view needs to be extended beyond the nation-state in order to become cosmopolitan. Urbinati notes that the civil society approach 'shares a liberal anti-coercive view of politics and interprets democracy more as a civic culture of association, participation and mobilization than as a political process of decision-making'. The political approach, on the contrary, stresses the importance of establishing relations between civil society and the political sphere: 'it acknowledges social movements and non-governmental organizations as fundamental components of global democracy but it also believes that in the absence of institutionalized procedures of decision and control, social movements and NGO's can be both exclusionary and hierarchical'. This is why they insist that a self-governing civil society is not enough and that a legal and institutional framework is needed to secure equality and to prevent social interests from asserting their dominance at the expense of justice.\n\n# DEMOCRATIC TRANSNATIONALISM\n\nLet us look first at the civil society approach. In his more recent work, written jointly with Andrew Strauss, Richard Falk has put forward a vision of 'democratic transnationalism', the aim of which is to achieve human security in the international sphere. It is an approach which 'calls for the resolution of political conflict through an open transnational citizen\/societal (rather than state or market) centred political process legitimized by fairness, adherence to human rights, the rule of law, and representative community participation'. The core of this democratic transnationalism is to be constituted by a Global Parliamentary Assembly (GPA) providing a global institutional voice for the people of the world. Falk and Strauss present the mission of such an assembly \u2013 whose powers should always be exercised according to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights \u2013 as contributing to the democratization of global policy, not only in its formulation but also in its implementation. We need, they say, an international framework to accommodate the current internationalization of civic politics, and this GPA could provide the beginnings of a democratic form of accountability for the international system. The authors also believe that such a GPA could play a role in encouraging compliance with human rights norms. Indeed, given the lack of reliable mechanisms to implement many of the laws accepted by the international system, the GPA could put moral pressure on states by exposing their human rights failures.\n\nSince 11 September 2001, Falk and Strauss have reiterated their proposal, insisting that the creation of a GPA represents an alternative to the statist response centred on national security. As we saw in the last chapter, they see the growth of terrorism as the dark side of the transnationalization of politics. Its grievances, membership and targets are all transnational, and state-centric structures are therefore inadequate to address the forms of frustration which foster its growing appeal. The solution lies, in their view, in the creation of an institutional framework capable of democratically accommodating the growing internationalization of politics so that 'Individuals and groups could channel their frustrations into efforts to attempt to participate in and influence parliamentary decision-making as they have become accustomed to doing in the more democratic societies of the world'.\n\nI agree that, instead of being perceived as the expression of a few evil and pathological individuals, terrorism has to be situated into a wider geopolitical context, but I find their solution thoroughly inadequate. The main shortcoming of democratic transnationalism is that, like traditional liberalism, it sees the state as the main problem and believes that the solution lies in civil society. Falk and Strauss assert that\n\nWe believe that the underlying preconditions for a GPA are being created by the way that civic politics is increasingly challenging the autonomy of the state-centric international system. In one of the most significant, if still under-recognized, developments of the last several years, both civic voluntary organizations and business and financial elites are engaged in creating parallel structures that complement and erode the traditionally exclusive role of states as the only legitimate actors in the global political system. Individuals and groups, and their numerous transnational associations, rising up from and challenging the confines of territorial states, are promoting 'globalization-from-below', and have begun to coalesce into what is now recognized as being a rudimentary 'global civil society'. Business and financial elites, on their side, acting largely to facilitate economic globalization, have launched a variety of mechanisms to promote their own preferred global policy initiatives, a process that can be described as 'globalization-from-above'.\n\nAccording to our authors, citizens, groups and business and financial elites are beginning to recognize that they have a common interest in mounting a challenge to states which should cease to act as their representatives in the international arena. They are convinced that many of the leading figures in world business, like those who meet at the economic summit every January in Davos, have an enlightened sense of their long-term interests and are very sympathetic to the idea of democratizing the international system. The organized networks of global civil society and business should therefore be able to impose their democratizing projects on the reluctant governments. The objective is the unification of globalization-from-below and globalization-from-above in order to establish a global institutional democratic structure enabling the people of the world to bypass the states and have a meaningful voice in global governance, thereby creating a peaceful global order. Like the theorists of 'reflexive modernity', they envisage the progress of democracy on the model of a dialogue among particular interests, a dialogue through which an 'international community' based on consensus could be established.\n\nIt is not surprising that similar ideas about the possible alliance between the forces of civil society and transnational corporations are found in the work of Ulrich Beck, whose thesis about the end of the adversarial form of politics I discussed in Chapter 3. In an article where he endorses the cosmopolitan perspective, this is how he envisages the future:\n\nIn the short term, protectionist forces may triumph, a heterogeneous mix of nationalists, anticapitalists, environmentalists, defenders of national democracy as well as xenophobic groupings and religious fundamentalists. In the long term, however, an even more paradoxical coalition between the supposed 'losers' from globalizations (trade unions, environmentalists, democrats) and the 'winners' (big business, financial markets, world trade organizations, the World Bank) may indeed lead to a renewal of the political \u2013 provided that both sides recognize that their specific interests are best served by cosmopolitan rules.\n\nCelebrating the emergence of 'cosmopolitan corporations' and 'cosmopolitan capitalism', Beck criticizes the national fixation with politics and declares that state-centred concepts of power and politics are 'zombie categories'. The mission of a cosmopolitan social science is to debunk this old-fashioned model and to promote the idea of 'deterritorialized' and 'denationalized' states. The future lies in the 'cosmopolitan state' founded on the principle of lack of national differentiation. Such a state, endowed with 'cosmopolitan sovereignty', would guarantee genuine diversity and establish fundamental human rights. Beck gives Europe as example of this cosmopolitan state, adding that there is no reason for this model not to be extended to the rest of the world. It is, in his view, the very development of capitalism which pushes toward a global cosmopolitan transformation. Although put in the interrogative mode, he even suggests 'Could capitalism become a factor in the cosmopolitan revival of democracy?' No need to be very perspicacious to guess what his answer is!\n\n# COSMOPOLITICAL DEMOCRACY\n\nThe political version of cosmopolitanism stresses that democracy is exercised not only in civil society but also in the political arena. It is in order to highlight this specificity that Daniele Archibugi has recently proposed to call 'cosmopolitical' instead of 'cosmopolitan' the approach which, jointly with David Held, he has been elaborating since the book they edited together in 1995, Cosmopolitan Democracy: An Agenda for a New World Order. Archibugi defines their project in the following way:\n\nCosmopolitical democracy is based on the assumption that important objectives \u2013 control of the use of force, respect for human rights, self-determination \u2013 will be obtained only through the extension and development of democracy. It differs from the general approach to cosmopolitanism in that it does not merely call for global responsibility but actually attempts to apply the principles of democracy internationally. For such problems as the protection of the environment, the regulation of migration and the use of natural resources to be subjected to necessary democratic control, democracy must trascend the border of single states and assert itself on global level.\n\nAccording to the cosmopolitical perspective, there is no reason why, now that the democratic form of government is recognized worldwide as the only legitimate one, the principles and rules of democracy should stop at the borders of a political community. This calls for the creation of new global institutions. In their view, it would be a mistake to believe that a set of democratic states automatically entails a democratic globe and global democracy cannot be envisaged as the direct result of democracy within states. It requires the creation of special procedures and institutions that would add another level of political representation to the existing one. Moreover, it is not a matter of simply transposing the democratic model as conceived at state level on to a world scale, and many aspects of this model need to be reformulated in order to be applied globally. Archibugi does not advocate the end of nation-states and he asserts that a global level of representation could coexist with the already constituted states which would keep some of their political and administrative functions. He stresses that 'unlike the many world-federalist projects to which it is indebted, cosmopolitan democracy aims to boost the management of human affairs at a planetary level not so much by replacing existing states as by granting more powers to existing institutions and creating new ones'. The time has come, he claims, to imagine new forms of democracy derived from the universal rights of global citizens, and he suggests that moving from national to global democracy means something akin to the conceptual revolution which in the eighteenth century allowed the passage from direct to representative democracy.\n\nSuch a revolution would consist in the creation of international institutions allowing individuals to have an influence on global affairs, independently of the situation in their own countries. The demands of all the individuals, irrespective of their national origin, of their class, gender, etc., should be given a direct form of representation at world level. This might look like an attractive prospect, but how is it to be done? Some information is provided by David Held, who distinguishes between short-term and long-term objectives. To begin with, the following measures should be implemented. The UN Security Council needs to be reformed to become more representative and a second UN chamber created jointly with regional parliaments. Next to that, the influence of international courts should be extended to enforce a cluster of key rights, civil, political, economic and social and a new international Human Rights Court should be established. Finally an effective and accountable international military force would have to be established to intervene against states who are repeatedly violating those rights. In the long term, Held envisages a more radical shift towards global democratic governance with the formation of an authoritative assembly of all democratic states and agencies with the authority to decide on all important global issues dealing with the environment, health, diet, economy, war, etc. According to him, there should be a permanent shift of a growing proportion of the coercive military capacities of the nation-state to global institutions with the aim of transcending the war system as a means of resolving conflict.\n\nAnother important aspect of Held's cosmopolitan framework is the entrenchment of democratic rights and obligations in national and international law. Here the aim is 'to create the basis of a common structure of political action as constituting the elements of a democratic public law'. However, to be effective in the context of globalization, such democratic law must be internationalized, it must be transformed into a cosmopolitan democratic law. He argues that the aim of all democrats should be to establish a cosmopolitan community, i.e. a transnational structure of political action, a community of all democratic communities. Discussing the consequences of such a transnational community for the nation-state, he declares that it will 'wither away', not in the sense that it will become redundant but in the sense that\n\nstates can no longer be, and can no longer be regarded as, the sole centres of legitimate power within their own borders, as is already the case in diverse settings. States need to be articulated with, and relocated within, an overarching democratic law. Within this framework, the laws and rules of the nation-state would be but one focus for legal development, political reflection and mobilization. For this framework would respecify and reconstitute the meaning and limits of sovereign authority. Particular power centers and authority systems would enjoy legitimacy only to the extent that they upheld and enacted democratic law.\n\nIt is not in my intention to deny the noble intentions of the diverse advocates of democratic cosmopolitanism. Unfortunately there are many reasons to be more than sceptical about the democratizing impact of the cosmopolitical approach. To begin with, as Danilo Zolo has convincingly argued, given the enormous disparity of power among its members, it is completely unrealistic to believe in the possibility of reforming the United Nations in order simultaneously to strengthen them and to make them more democratic. The central proposal of the cosmopolitans is therefore revealed as impracticable. But one should also be aware of the consequences arising from the attempt to extend the concept of rights beyond the nation-state. David Chandler is indeed right when he points out that, without a mechanism that would allow for making those new rights accountable to their subjects, cosmopolitan rights are fictitious. Given that the global citizen can be represented only through global civil society which acts outside the representative framework of liberal democracy, such rights are outside the control of their subject and they are necessarily dependent on the advocacy of the agency of civil society institutions. The danger of those rights without subjects is that they may be used to undermine existing democratic rights of self-government as when civil society institutions challenge national sovereignty in the name of 'global concern'.\n\nLike Habermas, whose conception of human rights I discussed in Chapter 4, the cosmopolitical approach puts more emphasis on the legitimating function of human rights than on their democratic exercise, and I agree with Chandler that the cosmopolitan construction of the global citizen is another attempt to privilege morality over politics. As he puts it:\n\nIn this respect, cosmopolitan theorists reflect broader political trends towards the privileging of advocacy rights over the representational democracy of the ballot box. Political activity is increasingly undertaken outside the traditional political parties and is becoming a sphere dominated by advocacy groups and single issues campaigns who do not seek to garner votes but to lobby or gain publicity for their claims.\n\nThe new rights of cosmopolitan citizens are therefore a chimera: they are moral claims, not democratic rights that could be exercised.\n\nThere is an even more serious problem, however, which is that, in exchange for those fictitious new rights, the cosmopolitan approach ends up sacrificing the old rights of sovereignty. By justifying the right for international institutions to undermine sovereignty in order to uphold cosmopolitan law, it denies the democratic rights of self-government for the citizens of many countries. Chandler notes that 'Cosmopolitan regulation is in fact based on the concept of sovereign inequality, that not all states should be equally involved in the establishment and adjudication of international law. Ironically, the new cosmopolitan forms of justice and rights protection involve law-making and law-enforcement, legitimized from an increasingly partial, and explicitely Western perspective.'\n\nRemember for instance how Held presents his cosmopolitan community as a community of 'all democratic states'. Who will decide which states are democratic, and on what criteria? No doubt it is the Western conception of democracy that will be used. It is rather telling that Held does not see that as a problem. When examining how democratic law should be enforced he asserts, 'In the first instance, cosmopolitan democratic law could be promulgated and defended by those democratic states and civil societies that are able to muster the necessary political judgement and to learn how political practices and institutions must change and adapt in the new regional and global circumstances.'\n\nIn a recent book, Held has specified further the nature of the cosmopolitan order that he advocates. He stresses that he wants to offer a social democratic alternative to the current type of globalization, whose motor is a US-designed neoliberal economic project. According to him, what is at stake is the establishment of a new internationalism informed by cosmopolitan values and standards. Cosmopolitanism asserts a set of basic values and standards which no agent should be able to violate, and it requires forms of political regulation and law-making which go beyond the powers and constraints of the nation-states. Such a cosmopolitanism, he says, 'can be taken as the moral and political outlook which builds on the strengths of the liberal multilateral order, particularly its commitment to universal standards, human rights and democratic values, and which seeks to specify general principles on which all could act'. Those principles are the following: equal worth and dignity; active agency; personal responsibility and accountability; consent; collective decision-making about public matters through voting procedures; inclusiveness and subsidiarity; avoidance of serious harm and sustainability. Taken together they constitute the guiding ethical basis of global social democracy.\n\nHeld's project certainly represents a progressive alternative to the current neo-liberal order. However, for all the reasons that we have seen, it is clear that the cosmopolitan framework, even when formulated from a social democratic standpoint, would not increase the possibility of self-government for global citizens. Whatever its guise, the implementation of a cosmopolitan order would in fact result in the imposition of one single model, the liberal democratic one, on to the whole world. In fact it would mean bringing more people directly under the control of the West, with the argument that its model is the better suited to the implementation of human rights and universal values. And, as I have argued, this is bound to arouse strong resistances and to create dangerous antagonisms.\n\n# DEMOCRACY AND GLOBAL GOVERNANCE\n\nThe post-political character of the cosmopolitan perspective is clearly brought to the fore when we examine one of its central concepts, the concept of 'governance'. Scrutinizing the difference between 'government' and 'governance', Nadia Urbinati specifies that\n\nGovernance entails an explicit reference to 'mechanisms' or 'organized' and 'coordinated activities' appropriate to the solution of some specific problems. Unlike government, governance refers to 'policies' rather than 'politics' because it is not a binding decision-making structure. Its recipients are not 'the people' as a collective political subject, but 'the population' that can be affected by global issues such as the environment, migration or the use of natural resources.\n\nSpeaking of global governance tells us a lot about the type of actor which the cosmopolitans see as being active in their model. The central issue in global governance is the negotiation among a diversity of associations and interest groups with specific expertise, intervening in particular issues and trying to push forward their proposals in a non-adversarial way. This implies a conception of politics as resolution of technical problems, not active engagement of citizens exercising their democratic rights thanks to an 'agonistic' confrontation about conflicting hegemonic projects. To be sure, some of those associations are motivated by ethical concerns and not merely by interest but their approach is not a properly political one. Their aim is to reach a compromise or a rational consensus, not to challenge the prevailing hegemony. Such a perspective, no doubt, chimes with the liberal understanding of politics and its fits perfectly the consensual vocabulary of the third way. But in what sense can this form of global governance still be considered as democratic?\n\nRobert Dahl clearly answers that it cannot and he criticizes the celebration of international organizations by cosmopolitan advocates who see them as a further step in the long march of the democratic idea from the polis to the cosmos. For Dahl, this is a view of democracy that leaves aside the fact that all decisions, even those made by democratic governments, are disadvantageous to some people because, if their produce gains, they also have costs. 'If the trade-offs in advantages and disadvantages were identical for everyone, judgments involved in making collective decisions would be roughly equivalent to those involved in making individual decisions: but the trade-offs are not the same for everyone.' Costs and benefits are therefore distributed unevenly and the central question is always: who should decide and on whose criteria? Hence the importance for those decisions to be open to contestation. If this is already difficult at the national level, it becomes almost intractable when one considers the case of a hypothetical international demos where great differences exist in the magnitude of the population and the power of the different states.\n\nDahl argues that, if we accept that democracy is a system of popular control over governmental policies and decisions, one has to conclude that international decision-making cannot be democratic. This does not mean seeing international organizations as undesirable and negating their usefulness. But he claims that there is 'no reason to clothe international organizations in the mantle of democracy simply in order to provide them with greater legitimacy'. He proposes instead to treat them as 'bureaucratic bargaining systems' that might be necessary but whose costs to democracy should be acknowledged and taken into account when decisions are made about ceding them important national powers.\n\nMary Kaldor is also sceptical about the idea that democratic procedures could be reconstituted at the global level. But, contrary to Dahl, she endorses the cosmopolitan project and she suggests an ingenious solution: to envisage global civil society as a functional equivalent to democracy. According to her, once we acknowledge that the central issue in parliamentary democracy has always been one of deliberation, not representation, the difficulties linked to the establishment of a global representative democracy can be ignored. Participation in a global civil society could replace representation by providing a place for deliberation about the range of issues affecting people in different aspects of their lives. Even if we leave aside the very problematic notion of 'global civil society', there are serious difficulties with such an idea. For a start, mere deliberation without the moment of decision and the mechanisms to enforce those decisions means very little. If we add to that the privilege that she attributes to advocacy groups, it becomes evident that, in the name of adapting it to the age of globalization, her proposal ends up depriving the notion of democracy of one of its important dimensions. To be sure, Kaldor defends a very activist conception of civil society and she stresses the need for a redistribution of power. Her views are on several points rather radical but she clearly partakes of the consensual approach. According to her, civil society is the locus of a type of governance based on consent, a consent which is generated through politics conceived as 'social bargaining'. She believes in the possibility of 'a genuinely free conversation, a rational critical dialogue', and is convinced that 'through access, openness and debate, policy makers are more likely to act as an Hegelian universal class, in the interests of the human community'.\n\nAs should be clear by now, the central problem with the diverse forms of cosmopolitanism is that they all postulate, albeit in different guises, the availability of a form of consensual governance transcending the political, conflict and negativity. The cosmopolitan project is therefore bound to deny the hegemonic dimension of politics. In fact several cosmopolitan theorists explicitly state that their aim is to envisage a politics 'beyond hegemony'. Such an approach overlooks the fact that since power relations are constitutive of the social, every order is by necessity a hegemonic order. To believe in the possibility of a cosmopolitan democracy with cosmopolitan citizens with the same rights and obligations, a constituency that would coincide with 'humanity' is a dangerous illusion. If such a project was ever realized, it could only signify the world hegemony of a dominant power that would have been able to impose its conception of the world on the entire planet and which, identifying its interests with those of humanity, would treat any disagreement as an illegitimate challenge to its 'rational' leadership.\n\n# AN ABSOLUTE DEMOCRACY OF THE MULTITUDE?\n\nIf the cosmopolitical approach is not able to provide the political perspective required by the age of globalization, what about the vision put forward by Michael Hardt and Antonio Negri in Empire, a book that has been hailed as 'The Communist Manifesto for the Twenty-first Century'? Some people seem indeed to believe that this is the answer that the left has been waiting for. However, as I will show in a moment, a close examination reveals an unexpected convergence between Empire and liberal cosmopolitanism. In both cases what is missing is the properly political dimension: power can be overcome, the constitutive character of antagonism is denied, and the central question of sovereignty is dismissed. Empire in fact is no more than an ultra-left version of the cosmopolitan perspective. Far from empowering us, it contributes to reinforcing the current incapacity to think and act politically.\n\nThis is not the place for a discussion of all the aspects of the book. As the various critiques have revealed, behind the wide range of references and topics which have seduced so many readers, its basic theses do not stand scrutiny. Very little indeed has been left standing of the main argument. Not only have the theoretical analyses about the importance of immaterial labour, the role of the nation-state, the homogenizing effects of global capital and the revolutionary nature of the 'multitude' been drastically challenged. In a very spectacular way, the central tenet of the book, the end of imperialism and the emergence of a new form of sovereignty without a centre, has been shattered by the wars waged by the United States after the the terrorist attacks of 11 September 2001. I find it amazing that even in Multitude, War and Democracy in the Age of Empire, which came out in 2004, they do not really put into question their claim that 'there is no center of imperial power.'. To be sure, the first part is dedicated to examining the characteristics of the new wars and they acknowledge the pivotal role of the United States. But they refuse to see it as an imperialist power; it is only a unilateralist version of empire which they insist in presenting as a decentred network power. The only difference is that, while their previous book was very assertive about the actual existence of empire, they now insist that they are only indicating a tendency manifest in a number of contemporary processes.\n\nHow can we explain the success of such a flawed book? In the post-political period in which we are living, with neoliberal globalization being perceived as the unique horizon, it is not surprising that Empire with its messianic rhetoric has fired the imagination of many people eager to find in the 'multitude' a new revolutionary subject. Its visionary character brought hope in a time where the success of capitalism seemed so complete that no alternative could be envisaged. The problem of course is that, instead of contributing to working towards an alternative to the current neo-liberal hegemony, Empire is in fact likely to produce the opposite effect. If, as I have been arguing, what is needed today is an adequate understanding of the nature of the political which will permit grasping the conditions for an effective hegemonic challenge to the neo-liberal order, we certainly do not find in this book the theoretical tools for such an enterprise. What we find is another version of the post-political perspective which defines the common sense in our post-democracies. To be sure, in this case it is a 'radical' version, formulated in a sophisticated philosophical vocabulary: hence its appeal to those who pretend that the time has come to relinquish 'old-fashioned' categories and 'rethink' the political.\n\nHowever, despite the Deleuzian terminology and the revolutionary rhetoric, there are many uncanny similarities between Hardt's and Negri's views and the third way theorists and cosmopolitan liberals advocating the need to 'rethink politics'. Take for instance the question of globalization. All those theorists see globalization as a progressive step whose homogenizing consequences are creating the conditions for a more democratic world. The demise of the sovereignty of the nation-states is perceived as a new stage in the emancipation from the constraints of the state. A global polity is being established which will permit a new form of global governance. Leaving aside the vacuous rhetoric of the multitude, one can perfectly well see Empire as another version of the cosmopolitan view. Indeed, Hardt's and Negri's insistence on the 'smooth' character of empire and the creation by global capitalism of a unified world without any 'outside' fits remarkably well with the cosmopolitan vision. Similarly, their underestimating of the crucial role played by the United States in the imposition of a neo-liberal model of globalization worldwide chimes with the optimistic view held by the advocates of global civil society.\n\nAs far as 'sovereignty' is concerned, there is not so much difference either between those who celebrate the perspective of a universal order organized around a 'cosmopolitan sovereignty' and the radical 'anti-sovereignty' stand taken in Empire. In both cases there is a clear desire to do away with the modern concept of sovereignty in the name of a supposedly more democratic form of governance. Cosmopolitan theorists would certainly not disagree with Hardt's and Negri's declaration that 'We need to develop a political theory without sovereignty'.\n\nWith respect to the diverse forms of social democratic politics, there is a striking convergence between the theses put forward in Empire and those of Beck and Giddens. As Michael Rustin observed, 'They share with the post-socialists of the \"Third Way\" the view that we now have to accept a new individualized, globalized, networked society as the only possible basis for future action, though the action they envisage is apocalyptic where the reformist post-socialists seek only to mitigate and regulate somewhat the turbulences of global capitalism, to which they envisage no conceivable alternative'. Hence their negative attitude towards the struggles to defend the national welfare states, which in the case of Hardt and Negri also includes a dismissal of the importance of the European Union.\n\nBut it is when it comes to envisaging the way an alternative to empire can be brought about that the anti-political character of the book clearly comes to the fore, and that its influence can have the more damaging consequences. Indeed, for a book which presents itself as offering a new vision of radical politics, Empire is seriously lacking in political strategy. How can one envisage the political challenge of empire by the multitude? The multitude, they say, is a logical hypothesis which proceeds from their analysis of the economic, political and cultural structures of empire. It is a counter-empire which is already contained within empire and which will inevitably break the constraints that the latter is constantly imposing to impede the seizing of sovereignty by the constituent power of the multitude. This event, when it happens, will indicate a radical discontinuity and constitute an ontological metamorphosis opening historicity anew. When the multitude succeeds in mutating sovereignty in its own favour, a 'new position of being' will take place and the fullness of time will be established through immanentization. An absolute democracy of the multitude will then come into being.\n\nHow all this will happen is, as Alberto Moreiras remarks, messianically announced but never theoretically established. Besides asserting the messianic desire of the multitude, 'Empire does not offer a theory of subjectivization; it limits itself to stating how the subject, always already seemingly formed, can go about assuming its rightful or chiliastic position'. All the crucial questions for a political analysis are avoided, for instance those concerning the way in which the multitude can become a revolutionary subject. We are told that this depends on its facing empire politically, but this is precisely the question that, given their theoretical framework, they are unable to address. Their belief that the desire of the multitude is bound to bring about the end of empire evokes the determinism of the Second International with its prediction that the economic contradictions of capitalism were bound to lead to the collapse of capitalism. Of course in this case, it is not the proletariat any more but the 'multitude' which is the revolutionary subject. But despite the new vocabulary, this is still the same old deterministic approach which leaves no space for effective political intervention.\n\nBeside bringing some fresh air in a panorama dominated by the lack of alternative to the current liberal hegemony, the success of Empire is also certainly due to the fact that it seemed to provide a political language for the growing anti-globalization movement. Although various sectors of the traditional ultra-left have tried to reclaim those struggles, presenting them as anti-capitalist working-class struggles, a different theorization is clearly needed. This is where the Deleuzian vocabulary mobilized by Hardt and Negri can be seductive. It allows for the multiplicity of the resistances expressed by this global movement to resonate with the notions elaborated by Deleuze and Guattari in Anti-Oedipus and A Thousand Plateaus. Nevertheless, I am convinced that it would be a serious mistake for the anti-globalization movement to adopt the perspective put forward in Empire. One of the main challenges this 'movement of movements' faces is how to transform itself into a political movement putting forward concrete alternative proposals. True, the first steps have already been taken with the organization of the World Social Forums as well as different regional ones. But many important issues concerning the future are still undecided and they will determine its shape and possibilities of success in the years to come.\n\nA fundamental issue concerns the type of relation to be established between the different components of the movement. As is often pointed out, its is a very heterogeneous movement and, while diversity can no doubt be a source of strength, it can also pose serious problems. Hardt and Negri take it for granted that the immanent powers of the multitude will defeat the constituted power of empire. Not surprisingly they never pose the question of political articulation among the different struggles; indeed this is the very question which is foreclosed by their perspective. According to them, the fact that all those struggles do not communicate, far from being a problem, turns out to be a virtue since 'precisely because all these struggles are incommunicable and thus blocked from traveling horizontally in the form of a cycle, they are forced instead to leap vertically and touch immediately on the global level'. In consequence, despite its local origin, each struggle directly attacks the virtual centre of empire. Hardt and Negri exhort us to relinquish the model of horizontal articulation of struggles which is no longer adequate and blinds us to the new radical potential. No need to worry any more about how to articulate a diversity of movements with different interests and whose demands might be in conflict. In that way, the central question of democratic politics, the question which the anti-globalization movement needs urgently to address \u2013 how to organize across differences so as to create a chain of equivalence among democratic struggles \u2013 this question is simply vaporized.\n\nAnother serious problem lies in the very negative way in which local and national struggles are envisaged in Empire. This is of course in tune with Hardt's and Negri's vilification of sovereignty and their celebration of globalization, presented as establishing a 'smooth' space where national sovereignties and obstacles to the free movement of the multitude are being swept away. According to them, the process of 'deterritorialization' and the concomitant weakening of nation-states characteristic of empire represents a step forward in the liberation of the multitude and they reject any form of politics nationally or regionally based. In their view, the valorization of the local is regressive and fascistic and they declare that 'The multitude's resistance to bondage \u2013 the struggles against the slavery of belonging to a nation, an identity, and a people, and thus the desertion from sovereignty and the limits it places on subjectivity is, entirely positive'.\n\nWere the anti-globalization movement to adopt such a perspective, it would, no doubt, condemn itself to political irrelevance. Indeed, its future and impact lie in its capacity to organize at a multiplicity of different levels, local, national, regional as well as global. Despite the claims made in Empire, nation-states are still important players and, even if it is true that multinational companies operate according to strategies largely independent from the states, they cannot dispense with the power of the states. As Doreen Massey stresses, the globalized space is 'striated', with a diversity of sites where relations of power are articulated in specific local, regional and national configurations. The multiplicity of nodal points calls for a variety of strategies, and the struggle cannot simply be envisaged at the global level. Regional and local forums such as those which have been organized in Europe (Florence in 2002, Paris in 2003, London in 2004) and in many cities of the world are the places where a variety of resistances can become interconnected and where the 'war of position' \u2013 to borrow a term from Gramsci \u2013 can be launched. Local and national allegiances can also provide important sites of resistance and to dismiss them, refusing to mobilize their affective dimension around democratic objectives, is to leave this potential available for articulation by right-wing demagogues. For the anti-globalization movement to follow Hardt's and Negri's advice and to see those allegiances as reactionary would be a serious mistake.\n\nAgainst the fallacious picture of a global multitude facing a unified empire, a confrontation which will inevitably result in the victory of the multitude and 'the invention of a new democracy, an absolute democracy, unbounded, immeasurable,' the question that needs to be addressed concerns the political forms of organizations of the resistances, and this requires acknowledging the divisions existing within both sides. Neither the conflicts among the 'desiring machines' of the multitude, nor the divergence of interests within the capitalist camp should be overlooked. Hardt's and Negri's vision of a globalized smooth space, like the cosmopolitan perspective, fails to appreciate the pluralistic nature of the world, the fact that it is a 'pluriverse' not a 'universe'. Their idea of an 'absolute democracy', a state of radical immanence beyond sovereignty, where a new form of self-organization of the multitude would replace a power-structured order, is the postmodern form of longing for a reconciled world \u2013 a world where desire would have triumphed against order, where the immanent constituent power of the multitude would have defeated the transcendent constituted power of the state, and where the political would have been eliminated. Such a longing, whatever its version \u2013 liberal or ultra-left \u2013 prevents us from grasping what is the real challenge facing democratic politics at both the domestic and the international level: not how to overcome the we\/they relation but how to envisage forms of construction of we\/they compatible with a pluralistic order.\n\n# TOWARDS A MULTIPOLAR WORLD ORDER\n\nAs I have argued in Chapter 4, it is the fact that we are now living in a unipolar world where there are no legitimate channels for opposing the hegemony of the United States which is at the origin of the explosion of new antagonisms which, if we are unable to grasp their nature, might indeed lead to the announced 'clash of civilizations'. The way to avoid such a prospect is to take pluralism seriously instead of trying to impose one single model on the whole world, even if it is a well meaning cosmopolitan one. It is therefore urgent to relinquish the illusion of a unified world and to work towards the establishment of a multipolar world. We hear a lot today about the necessity of an effective 'multilateralism'. But multilateralism in an unipolar world will always be an illusion. As long as a single hegemonic power exists, it will always be the one that decides if it will take into consideration the opinion of other nations or act alone. A real multilateralism requires the existence of a plurality of centres of decision and some sort of equilibrium \u2013 even if it is only a relative one \u2013 among various power.\n\nAs I have suggested in Chapter 4, we can find important insights in Schmitt's writings of the 1950s and early 1960s where he speculated about the possibility of a new Nomos of the Earth that could replace the Jus Publicum Europeaum. In an article from 1952 where he examined how the dualism created by the cold war and the polarization between capitalism and communism could evolve, he imagined several possible scenarios. He was sceptical about the idea that such a dualism was only the prelude to a final unification of the world, resulting from the total victory of one of the antagonists which would then be able to impose its system and its ideology worldwide. The end of bipolarity was more likely to lead to new equilibrium guaranteed by the Unites States and under its hegemony. Schmitt also envisaged the possibility of a third form of evolution consisting in the opening of a dynamics of pluralization, the outcome of which could be the establishment of a new global order based on the existence of several autonomous regional blocs. This would provide the conditions for an equilibrium of forces among various large areas, instituting among them a new system of international law. Such an equilibrium would present similarities with the old Jus Publicum Europaeum except that in this case it would be truly global and not only Euro-centric. It was his favoured solution because he believed that, by establishing a 'true pluralism', such a multipolar world order would provide the institutions necessary to manage conflicts and avoid the negative consequences resulting from the pseudo-universalism arising from the generalization of one single system. He was aware, though, that such a pseudo-universalism was a much more likely outcome than the pluralism he advocated. And unfortunately his fears have been confirmed since the collapse of communism.\n\nSchmitt's reflections were of course motivated by concerns very different from mine, but I think that his vision is particularly relevant for our current conjuncture. The left should acknowlege the pluralist character of the world and adopt the multipolar perspective. This, as Massimo Cacciari has argued, means working towards the establishment of an international system of law based on the idea of regional poles and cultural identities federated among themselves in the recognition of their full autonomy. Cacciari acknowledges the pluralist character of the world and, examining the question of the relation with the Islamic world, he warns against the belief that the modernization of Islam should take place through Westernization. Trying to impose our model would, he says, multiply local conflicts of resistance which foment global terrorism. He suggests a model of globalization constructed around a certain number of great spaces and genuine cultural poles and insists that the new order of the world needs to be a multipolar one.\n\nClearly, given the unquestionable supremacy of the United States, many people will claim that the project of a multipolar world is completely unrealistic. But it is certainly no more unrealistic than the cosmopolitan vision. In fact, the emergence of China as a superpower testifies that such a dynamics of pluralization, far from being unrealistic, is already at work. And this is not the only sign that regional blocs are being formed, the aim of which is to gain some autonomy and power of negotiation. This is for instance clearly the direction that several countries in Latin America are taking under the leadership of Brazil and Argentina in their attempt to strengthen the Mercosur (a shared economic structure in South America); a similar dynamics is at work in the coming together of several East Asian countries in the ASEAN, and the attraction of such a model is likely to grow.\n\nI do not want to minimize the obstacles that need to be overcome, but, at least in the case of the creation of a multipolar order, those obstacles are only of an empirical nature, while the cosmopolitan project is also based on flawed theoretical premises. Its dream of a world order which would not be structured around power relations is based on a refusal to come to terms with the hegemonic nature of every order. Once it is acknowledged that there is no 'beyond hegemony', the only conceivable strategy for overcoming world dependence on a single power is to find ways to 'pluralize' hegemony. And this can be done only through the recognition of a multiplicity of regional powers. It is only in this context that no agent in the international order will be able, because of its power, to regard itself above the law and to arrogate to itself the role of the sovereign. Moreover, as Danilo Zolo has pointed out, 'a multipolar equilibrium is the necessary condition for international law to exercise even that minimal function, which is the containment of the most destructive consequences of modern warfare'.\n\n# Conclusion\n\n# SIX\n\nWe are today facing decisive years. After the euphoria of the 1990s where the final victory of liberal democracy and the coming of a 'new world order' were hailed from so many quarters, new antagonims have emerged which represent challenges that decades of neo-liberal hegemony have made us unable to confront. In this book I have examined some of those challenges and I have argued that understanding their nature requires coming to terms with the ineradicable dimension of antagonism which exists in human societies, what I have proposed to call 'the political'.\n\nAs far as domestic politics is concerned, I have shown how the belief in the end of an adversarial form of politics and the overcoming of the left\/right divide, instead of facilitating the establishment of a pacified society, has created the terrain for the rise of right-wing populist movements. By suggesting that the solution lies in fostering the agonistic character of politics through the revitalization of the left\/right distinction, I do not call for a mere return to their traditional content, as if the meaning of those terms had been fixed once and for all. What is at stake in the left\/right opposition is not a particular content \u2013 although as Norberto Bobbio pointed out it certainly refers to opposing attitudes with respect to social redistribution \u2013 but the recognition of social division and the legitimation of conflict. It brings to the fore the existence in a democratic society of a plurality of interests and demands which, although they conflict and can never be finally reconcilied, should nevertheless be considered as legitimate. The very content of left and right will vary, but the dividing line should remain because its disappearance would indicate that social division is denied and that an ensemble of voices has been silenced. This is why democratic politics is by nature necessarily adversarial. As Niklas Luhmann has stressed, modern democracy calls for a 'splitting of the summit', a clear divide between the government and the opposition, and this supposes that clearly differentiated policies are on offer, giving the possibility for citizens to decide between different ways of organizing society. When social division cannot be expressed because of the left\/right divide, passions cannot be mobilized towards democratic objectives and antagonisms take forms which can endanger democratic institutions.\n\n# THE LIMITS OF PLURALISM\n\nTo avoid any confusion, I should specify that, contrary to some postmodern thinkers who envisage a pluralism without any frontiers, I do not believe that a democratic pluralist politics should consider as legitimate all the demands formulated in a given society. The pluralism that I advocate requires discriminating between demands which are to be accepted as part of the agonistic debate and those which are to be excluded. A democratic society cannot treat those who put its basic institutions into question as legitimate adversaries. The agonistic approach does not pretend to encompass all differences and to overcome all forms of exclusions. But exclusions are envisaged in political and not in moral terms. Some demands are excluded, not because they are declared to be 'evil', but because they challenge the institutions constitutive of the democratic political association. To be sure, the very nature of those institutions is also part of the agonistic debate, but, for such a debate to take place, the existence of a shared symbolic space is necessary. This is what I meant when I argued in Chapter 2 that democracy requires a 'conflictual consensus': consensus on the ethico-political values of liberty and equality for all, dissent about their interpretation. A line should therefore be drawn between those who reject those values outright and those who, while accepting them, fight for conflicting interpretations.\n\nMy position can here appear similar to that of a liberal theorist like John Rawls, whose distinction between 'simple' and 'reasonable' pluralism is also an attempt to draw a line between legitimate and illegitimate demands. However it differs significantly from Rawls's: he pretends that such a discrimination is grounded in rationality and morality, while I claim that the drawing of the frontier between the legitimate and the illegitimate is always a political decision, and that it should therefore always remain open to contestation. Taking my bearings from Wittgenstein, I assert that our allegiance to democratic values and institutions is not based on their superior rationality and that liberal democratic principles can be defended only as being constitutive of our form of life. Contrary to Rawls and Habermas, I do not attempt to present liberal democracy as the model which would be chosen by every rational individual in idealized conditions. This is why I envisage the normative dimension inscribed in political institutions as being of an 'ethico-political' nature, to indicate that it always refers to specific practices, depending on particular contexts, and that it is not the expression of a universal morality. Indeed, since Kant morality is often presented as a realm of universal commands where there is no place for 'rational disagreement'. This is, in my view, incompatible with recognizing the deeply pluralistic character of the world and the irreducible conflict of values.\n\nIt is clear that my position on the limits of pluralism has implications for the current debate about multiculturalism and it is worth spelling out some of them. First, we need to distinguish among the different demands collected under the multiculturalist label between those which concern the recognition of strictly cultural mores and customs and those with a directly political nature. I am perfectly aware that this is not an easy thing to do and that there will never be a definitive, clear-cut and satisfactory solution. But one can establish a rough distinction between a set of demands whose satisfaction can be granted without jeopardizing the basic liberal democratic framework and those which would lead to its destruction. This would be the case for instance with demands whose satisfaction would require the implementation of different legal systems according to the ethnic origin or religious beliefs of groups. There are no doubt certain special cases, like that of indigenous people, where exceptions can be made. But legal pluralism cannot become the norm without endangering the permanence of the democratic political association. A democratic society requires the allegiance of its citizens to a set of shared ethico-political principles, usually spelled out in a constitution and embodied in a legal framework, and it cannot allow the coexistence of conflicting principles of legitimacy in its midst. To believe that, in the name of pluralism, some category of immigrants should be granted an exception is, I submit, a mistake which indicates a lack of understanding of the role of the political in the symbolic ordering of social relations. Some forms of legal pluralism have no doubt existed, as for instance in the Ottoman Empire with the 'millet system' (which recognized Muslims, Christians and Jews communities as self-governing units able to impose restrictive religions laws on their own members), but such a system is incompatible with the exercise of democratic citizenship which postulates equality for all the citizens.\n\n# A PLURALISM OF MODERNITIES\n\nWhen we move from domestic to international politics, we encounter a very different type of pluralism which it is necessary to distinguish from the liberal one. The first type of pluralism is characteristic of liberal democracy and it is linked to the end of a substantive conception of the good life and the assertion of individual liberty. This pluralism is embedded in the institutions of liberal democracy, it is part of its ethicopolitical principles and it has to be accepted by its citizens. But there is also another type of pluralism, a pluralism which undermines the claim of liberal democracy to provide the universal model that all societies should adopt because of its superior rationality. Such a pluralism is the one which is at stake in the multipolar project.\n\nContrary to what liberal universalists would want us to believe, the Western model of modernity, characterized by the development of an instrumental type of rationality and an atomistic individualism, is not the only adequate way of relating to the world and to others. It might have gained hegemony in the West, but, as many critics have pointed out, even in the West this is far from being the only form of sociality. It is in this vein that intellectual historians have begun criticizing the monolithic idea of the Enlightenment and have revealed the presence of a multiplicity of diverse enlightenments often in rivalry amongst themselves and which have been displaced by the rise of capitalist modernity.\n\nExamining the diverse enlightenments which are now recognized as constitutive of European history \u2013 civil, metaphysical, neo-Roman, popular sovereignty and civic \u2013 James Tully argues that the question 'What is Enlightenment?', which was formulated within the Kantian tradition as a transcendental question with a definitive transcendental-legislative answer, should be de-transcendentalized and respecified as a historical question 'with diverse small (e) enlightenment answers, each relative to a form of self-proclaimed enlightened subjectivity acquired through the exercise of a particular ethos and its cognate political practices'. However, it is not enough to limit the enquiry to Europe because, once the historical character of the question is recognized, we have to admit that, no more than a definitive transcendental answer, can it receive a definitive historical one. Therefore, as Tully suggests 'the problematization defined by \"What is Enlightenment?\" should no longer be confined to endless discussions of the rival solutions within Europe and against the background of the European transition to a modern system of sovereign states and its successive modifications'.\n\nI think that Tully's reflections about the possibility of non-Western enlightenments are crucial for the formulation of the multipolar approach. Indeed such an approach requires us to accept that there are other forms of modernity than the one which the West is trying to impose worldwide, irrespective of the respect of other histories and traditions. To defend a model of society different from the Western one should not be seen as an expression of backwardness and proof that one remains in a 'premodern' stage. It is high time to abandon the Eurocentric tenet that our model has a privileged claim on rationality and on morality.\n\n# A MESTIZA CONCEPTION OF HUMAN RIGHTS\n\nWhat are the consequences of this 'pluralism of modernities' for the notion of 'human rights' which is so central in today's liberal democratic discourse? As we have seen, human rights play a key role in the cosmopolitan project of a worldwide implementation of liberal democracy. Indeed its main tenet is that the universalization of human rights requires other societies to adopt Western institutions. Should such a notion be discarded in a multipolar world?\n\nMy position on this subject is that thinking in a pluralist way requires problematizing the idea of the universality of human rights as it is generally understood. I agree with Boaventura de Sousa Santos, who asserts that, as long as they are conceived as 'universal', human rights will always be an instrument of what he calls 'globalization from above', something imposed by the West on the rest of the world, and that this will fuel the clash of civilizations. In his view, the very question of the 'universality' of human rights indicates that it is a Western cultural, question, particular to a specific culture, and that it cannot be presented as a cultural invariant. He does not conclude, however, that this is a reason for rejecting them and, while acknowledging that human rights policies have often been at the service of economic and geopolitical interests of the hegemonic capitalist states, Sousa Santos affirms that the discourse of human rights can be articulated also in the defence of the oppressed. He stresses the existence of a counter-hegemonic human rights discourse, articulated around cultural specificity and different versions of human dignity, instead of resorting to false universalisms. He advocates a 'mestiza' conception of human rights that would reconceive them as 'multicultural', allowing for different formulations according to different cultures.\n\nSousa Santos follows the approach of Raimundo Panikkar, who argues that, in order to understand the meaning of human rights, it is necessary to scrutinize the function they play in our culture. This will allow us later to ascertain whether this function is not fulfilled in different ways in other cultures. In Western culture human rights are presented as providing the basic criteria for the recognition of human dignity and as being the necessary condition for political order. The question we need to ask is whether other cultures do not give different answers to the same question; in other words, we should look for functional equivalents of human rights. If we accept that what is at stake in human rights is the dignity of the person, it is clear that this question can be answered in a diversity of ways. What Western culture calls 'human rights' is a culturally specific form of answering this question, an individualistic way specific to liberal culture and which cannot claim to be the only legitimate one.\n\nThis seems to me a promising perspective and, like Panikkar and Sousa Santos, I insist on the necessiaty of pluralizing the notion of human rights, so as to prevent them becoming an instrument in the imposition of Western hegemony. To acknowledge a plurality of formulations of the idea of human rights is to bring to the fore their political character. The debate about human rights cannot be envisaged as taking place in a neutral terrain where the imperatives of morality and rationality \u2013 as defined by the West \u2013 would represent the only legitimate criteria. It is a terrain shaped by power relations where a hegemonic struggle takes place, hence the importance of making room for a plurality of legitimate understandings.\n\n# WHICH EUROPE?\n\nI would like to conclude these reflections about the political by asking: what should be the place of Europe in a multipolar world? Is a truly political Europe possible, a Europe which would also be a real power? Is it even desirable? Clearly, this is a strongly contested issue among both the left and the right. Let us examine the reasons why many people on the left do not see this eventuality in a positive way. Some of them identify Europe with the Western capitalist hegemonic project and argue that a political Europe cannot be more than an internal struggle inside the West between two powers fighting for hegemony. The only difference would be that Europe, instead of following the United States, would become its rival. Even if I believed that the end of the unipolar world would be a positive development, this is of course not the kind of Europe that I advocate. The establishment of a pluralistic world order requires discarding the idea that there is only one possible form of globalization, the prevalent neo-liberal one, not merely having Europe competing for its leadership with the United States. For Europe to assert its identity, it is the very idea of the 'West' that must be questioned, so as to open a dynamics of pluralization which could create the basis for resisting neo-liberal hegemony.\n\nOthers on the left are suspicious of European integration because they believe that the nation-state is the necessary space for the exercise of democratic citizenship which is put in jeopardy by European institutions. They see the European project as the Trojan horse of neo-liberalism and as endangering the conquests realized by social democratic parties. I do not deny that there is some ground for their distrust of current European policies, but their mistake is to think that they could resist neo-liberal globalization better at the national level. It is only at the European level that one can start envisaging a possible alternative to neo-liberalism. The fact that, unfortunately, this is not the direction that the European Union has taken, far from making people withdraw from European politics, should convince them of the importance of pursuing their struggle at the European level so as to influence the future shape of Europe.\n\nThe internationalists, as we have seen, oppose the idea of a political Europe because they are critical of all types of frontiers and regional forms of belonging. They celebrate the 'deterritorialization' created by globalization which, in their view, establishes the conditions for a truly global world without borders, where the 'nomadic multitude' will be able to circulate freely according to its desire. They claim that the construction of a political Europe would reinforce the tendency to establish a 'fortress Europe' and increase the existing discriminations. Such a possibility should not be dismissed, and in a Europe that defines only itself as competitor to the United States, this would be likely to take place. But the situation would be different in the context of a multipolar world in which big regional units would coexist and where the neo-liberal model of globalization would not be the only one.\n\nWhile there is a general agreement among those on the left who advocate the idea of a political Europe, that it should promote a different civilizational model and not merely compete with American hegemony, it is also true that not all of them accept the multipolar vision. For instance some liberal universalists, who consider that the Western model of liberal democracy should be adopted worldwide, also advocate a political Europe, which they conceive as showing the way that all other societies should follow. What they defend is in fact a cosmopolitan project since they assert that Europe represents the vanguard in the movement toward the establishment of a universal order based on the worldwide implementation of law and human rights. This is for instance the way in which Habermas conceives the European project. His call to the Europeans in 2003 after the invasion of Iraq to unite and oppose the violations of international law and human rights by the Bush government was certainly welcome. Yet, while agreeing with him about the need to create a strong Europe, I do not follow him in envisaging this move as a first step towards the creation of a cosmopolitan order because I do not accept the universalist premises on which such a vision is based.\n\nIn my view a truly political Europe can exist only in relation to other political entities, as a part of a multipolar world. If Europe can play a crucial role in the creation of a new world order, it is not through the promotion of a cosmopolitan law that all 'reasonable' humanity should obey but by contributing to the establishment of an equilibrium among regional poles whose specific concerns and traditions will be seen as valuable, and where different vernacular models of democracy will be accepted. This is not to deny that we need a set of institutions to regulate international relations, but those institutions, instead of being organized around a unified power structure, should permit a significant degree of pluralism; pace the cosmopolitans, the aim cannot be the universalization of the Western liberal democratic model. The attempt to impose this model, deemed to be the only legitimate one, on recalcitrant societies leads to presenting those who do not accept it as 'enemies' of civilization, thereby creating the conditions of an antagonistic struggle. To be sure there will still be conflicts in a multipolar world but those conflicts are less likely to take an antagonistic form than in a unipolar world. It is not in our power to eliminate conflicts and escape our human condition, but it is in our power to create the practices, discourses and institutions that would allow those conflicts to take an agonistic form. This is why the defence and the radicalization of the democratic project require acknowledging the political in its antagonistic dimension and abandoning the dream of a reconciled world that would have overcome power, sovereignty and hegemony.\n\n# Notes\n\n# TWO POLITICS AND THE POLITICAL\n\n Ernesto Laclau and Chantal Mouffe, Hegemony and Socialist Strategy: Towards a Radical Democratic Politics, London, Verso, 1985; Chantal Mouffe, The Return of the Political, London, Verso, 1993; Chantal Mouffe, The Democratic Paradox, London, Verso, 2000.\n\n Carl Schmitt, The Concept of the Political, New Brunswick, Rutgers University Press, 1976, p. 70.\n\n Ibid., p. 35.\n\n Ibid., p. 70.\n\n Ibid., p. 37.\n\n J\u00fcrgen Habermas, 'Reply to Symposium Participants', Cardozo Law Review, Vol. 17, 4\u20135, March 1996, p. 1943.\n\n Henry Staten, Wittgenstein and Derrida, Oxford, Basil Blackwell, 1985.\n\n Ernesto Laclau, Emancipation(s), London, Verso, p. 90.\n\n This idea of 'agonism' is developed in my book The Democratic Paradox, chapter 4. To be sure, I am not the only one to use that term and they are currently a variety of 'agonistic' theorists. However they generally envisage the political as a space of freedom and deliberation, while for me it is a space of conflict and antagonism. This is what differentiates my agonistic perspective from the one defended by William Connolly, Bonnig Honig or James Tully.\n\n Elias Canetti, Crowds and Power, London, Penguin, 1960, p. 220.\n\n Ibid., p. 222.\n\n Ibid., p. 221.\n\n Sigmund Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents, The Standard Edition, Vol. XXI, London, Vintage, 2001, p. 111.\n\n Sigmund Freud, Group Psychology and the Analysis of the Ego, The Standard Edition, Vol. XVIII (London, Vintage, 2001), p. 92.\n\n Sigmund Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents, The Standard Edition, vol. XXI (London, Vintage, 2001), p. 114.\n\n Ibid., p. 119.\n\n Yannis Stavrakakis, 'Passions of Identification: Discourse, Enjoyment and European Identity', in D. Howarth and J. Torfing (eds), Discourse Theory and European Politics (London, Palgrave, forthcoming), p. 4 (manuscript).\n\n Slavoj \u017di\u017eek, Tarring with the Negative, Durham, Duke University Press, 1993, p. 201.\n\n Ibid., p. 202.\n\n Jacques Ranci\u00e8re, Disagreement, Minneapolis, University of Minnesota Press, 1991, p. 102 (translation modified).\n\n See for instance his critiques in Slavoj \u017di\u017eek and Glyn Daly, Conversations with \u017di\u017eek, Cambridge, Polity, 2004.\n\n# THREE BEYOND THE ADVERSARIAL MODEL?\n\n Ulrich Beck, The Reinvention of Politics: Rethinking Modernity in the Global Social Order, Cambridge, Polity Press, 1997, p. 38.\n\n Ulrich Beck, 'The Reinvention of Politics: Towards a Theory of Reflexive Modernization', in U. Beck, A. Giddens and S. Lash, Reflexive Modernization, Cambridge, Polity Press, 1994, p. 5.\n\n Ibid., p. 42.\n\n Ibid., p. 18.\n\n Ibid., p. 22.\n\n Ibid., p. 23.\n\n Beck, The Reinvention of Politics, pp. 168\u20139.\n\n Anthony Giddens, Beyond Left and Right, Cambridge, Polity, 1994, p. 7.\n\n Anthony Giddens, Modernity and Self Identity, Cambridge, Polity, 1991, p. 214.\n\n Giddens, Beyond Left and Right, p. 92.\n\n Anthony Giddens, The Third Way, Cambridge, Polity, 1998, p. 36.\n\n Giddens, Beyond Left and Right, p. 93.\n\n Ibid., pp. 117\u201324.\n\n Ibid., p. 119.\n\n Ibid., pp. 130\u20131.\n\n Beck, 'The Reinvention of Politics', p. 178.\n\n Perry Anderson, 'Power, Politics and the Enlightenment', in David Miliband (ed.), Reiventing the Left, Cambridge, Polity Press, 1994, p. 43.\n\n Ernesto Laclau and Chantal Mouffe, Hegemony and Socialist Strategy: Towards a Radical Democratic Politics, London, Verso, 1985.\n\n Giddens, The Third Way, p. 27.\n\n Ibid., p. 64.\n\n Ibid., p. 100.\n\n Stuart Hall, 'New Labour's Double-Shuffle', Soundings, 24, Autumn 2003.\n\n Ibid., p. 18.\n\n John Gray, 'Blair's Project in Retrospect', International Affairs, Vol. 80, 1, January 2004, 43.\n\n# FOUR CURRENT CHALLENGES TO THE POST-POLITICAL VISION\n\n For a detailed analysis of the Austrian case see Chantal Mouffe, 'The End of Politics and the Challenge of Right-Wing Populism', in Francisco Panizza (ed.), Populism and the Shadow of Democracy, London, Verso, 2005.\n\n A good interpretation of the Vlaams Blok's success is provided by Patrick de Vos in 'The Sacralisation of Consensus and the Rise of Authoritarian Populism: the Case of the Vlaams Blok', Studies in Social and Political Thought, 7, September 2002.\n\n Fran\u00e7ois Flahaut, Malice, London, Verso 2003, p. 117.\n\n Carl Schmitt, The Concept of the Political, New Brunswick, Rutgers University Press, 1976, p. 54.\n\n William Rasch, 'Human Rights as Geopolitics: Carl Schmitt and the Legal Form of American Supremacy', in Cultural Critique, 54, Spring 2003, p. 123.\n\n Carl Schmitt, The Nomos of the Earth in the International Law of the Jus Publicum Europaeum, New York, Telos Press, 2003, p. 321.\n\n Carl Schmitt, Theorie du partisan, Paris, Calmann-L\u00e9vy, 1972, p. 310. German edition: Theorie des Partisanen, Berlin, Duncker & Humblot, 1963.\n\n Jean-Fran\u00e7ois Kerv\u00e9gan, 'Ami ou ennemi?', in La Guerre des dieux, special issue of Le Nouvel Observateur, January 2002.\n\n Richard Falk and Andrew Strauss, 'The Deeper Challenges of Global Terrorism: a Democritizing Response', in Daniele Archibugi (ed.), Debating Cosmopolitics, London, Verso, 2003, p. 206.\n\n J\u00fcrgen Habermas, Between Facts and Norms, Cambridge, MA, MIT Press, 1998, p. 449.\n\n Ibid., p. 455.\n\n J\u00fcrgen Habermas, The Postnational Constellation, Cambridge, Polity, 2001, p. 116.\n\n J\u00fcrgen Habermas, The Inclusion of the Other, Cambridge, MA, MIT Press, 1998, p. 192.\n\n Habermas, The Postnational Constellation, p. 121.\n\n Ibid., p. 124.\n\n William Rasch, 'Human Rights', p. 142.\n\n Habermas, The Postnational Constellation, p. 110.\n\n Carl Schmitt, 'V\u00f6lkerrechtliche Formen des modernen Imperialismus', in Positionen und Begriffe, Berlin, Duncker & Humbolt, 1988, p. 202.\n\n See for instance, Richard Rorty, Objectivity, Relativism and Truth, Cambridge, Cambridge University Press, 1991, part III.\n\n# FIVE WHICH WORLD ORDER: COSMOPOLITAN OR MULTIPOLAR?\n\n Nadia Urbinati, 'Can Cosmopolitical Democracy Be Democratic?', in Daniele Archibugi (ed.), Debating Cosmopolitics, London Verso, 2003, pp. 67\u201385.\n\n Ibid., p. 69.\n\n Ibid.\n\n Richard Falk and Andrew Strauss, 'The Deeper Challenges of Global Terrorism: a Democratizing Response', in Debating Cosmopolitics, p. 203.\n\n Richard Falk and Andrew Strauss, 'Towards Global Parliament', Foreign Affairs, January\u2013February 2001.\n\n Falk and Strauss, 'The Deeper Challenges of Global Terrorism', p. 205.\n\n Ibid., p. 209.\n\n Ulrich Beck, 'Redefining Power in the Global Age: Eight Theses', Dissent, Fall 2001, p. 89.\n\n Ibid.\n\n Daniele Archibugi, 'Cosmopolitical Democracy', in Debating Cosmopolitics, p. 7.\n\n Daniele Archibugi, 'Demos and Cosmopolis', in Debating Cosmopolitics, p. 262.\n\n David Held, 'Democracy and the New International Order', in Daniele Archibugi and David Held (ed.), Cosmopolitan Democracy: An Agenda for a New World Order, Cambridge, Polity Press, 1995, p. 111.\n\n David Held, 'The Transformation of Political Community: Rethinking Democracy in the Context of Globalization', in I. Shapiro and C. Hacker-Cord\u00f4n (eds), Democracy's Edges, Cambridge, Cambridge University Press, 1999, p. 105.\n\n Ibid., p. 106.\n\n Danilo Zolo, Cosmopolis: Prospects for World Government, Cambridge, Polity Press, 1997.\n\n David Chandler, 'New Rights for Old? Cosmopolitan Citizenship and the Critique of State Sovereignty', Political Studies, Vol. 51, 2003, 332\u201349.\n\n Ibid., p. 340.\n\n Ibid., p. 343.\n\n David Held, Democracy and the Global Order, Cambridge, Polity Press, 1995, p. 232.\n\n David Held, Global Covenant: The Social Democratic Alternative to the Washington Consensus, Cambridge, Polity Press, 2004.\n\n Ibid., p. 171.\n\n My critique of 'governance' refers to the way this concept is used in the particular context of 'global governance'. There are of course other uses of this concept, as for instance in the case of different forms of 'network governance' where the aim is a widening of democratic contestation.\n\n Urbinati, 'Can Cosmopolitical Democracy Be Democratic?', p. 80.\n\n Robert Dahl, 'Can International Organizations Be Democratic? A Sceptic View', in Democracy's Edges, p. 25.\n\n Ibid., p. 32.\n\n Mary Kaldor, Global Civil Society: An Answer to War, Cambridge, Polity Press, 2003.\n\n Ibid., p. 108.\n\n Michael Hardt and Antonio Negri, Empire, Cambridge, MA, Harvard University Press, 2000.\n\n Many books have already been published with very pertinent critiques of Empire. See for instance, Gopal Balakrishnan (ed.), Debating Empire, London Verso, 2004; Paul A. Passavant and Jodi Dean, (eds), Empire's New Clothes, New York Routledge, 2004, as well as the special issue of Rethinking Marxism, Vol. 13 3\/4, 2001.\n\n Michael Hardt and Antonio Negri, Multitude, War and Democracy in the Age of Empire, New York, Penguin Press, 2004.\n\n Micheal Hardt and Antonio Negri, 'Adventures of the Multitude: Response of the Authors', in Rethinking Marxism, p. 239.\n\n Hardt and Negri, 'Adventures of the Multitude', p. 242.\n\n Michael Rustin, 'Empire: a Postmodern Theory of Revolution', in Debating Empire, p. 7.\n\n Alberto Moreiras, 'A Line of Shadow: Metaphysics in Counter-Empire', in Rethinking Marxism, p. 224.\n\n Hardt and Negri, Empire, p. 55.\n\n Ibid., p. 361.\n\n Doreen Massey, For Space, London Sage, 2005, chapter 14.\n\n Michael Hardt and Antonio Negri, 'Globalization and Democracy', in Okwui Enwezor et al. (eds), Democracy Unrealized, Kassel, Hatje Cantz, 2002 p. 336.\n\n Carl Schmitt, 'Die Einheit der Welt', Merkur, Vol. VI, 1 1952, pp. 1\u201311.\n\n Massimo Cacciari, 'Digressioni su Impero e tre Rome', in: H. Frise, A. Negri and P. Wagner (eds), Europa Politica Ragioni di una necessita, Roma Manifestolibri, 2002.\n\n A. Negri and D. Zolo, 'Empire and the Multitude: a Dialogue on the New Order of Globalization', Radical Philosophy, No. 120, July\/August 2003, p. 33.\n\n# SIX CONCLUSION\n\n Norberto Bobbio, Destra e Sinistra: ragioni e significati di una distinzione politica, Roma, Donzelli Editore, 1994.\n\n Niklas Luhmann, 'The Future of Democracy', Thesis Eleven, No. 26, 1990, p. 51.\n\n I have criticized the position of Rawls on this point in my book The Return of the Political, London, Verso, 1993, chapter 6.\n\n For a discussion of those issues one can refer to William Kymlicka, Multicultural Citizenship, Oxford, Oxford University Press, 1995.\n\n James Tully, 'Diverse Enlightenments', Economy and Society, Vol. 32, 3, August 2003, 501.\n\n Ibid., p. 502.\n\n Boaventura de Sousa Santos, Toward a New Common Sense: Law, Science and Politics in a Paradigmatic Transition, London, Routledge, 1995, p. 337\u201342.\n\n Raimundo Panikkar, 'Is the Notion of Human Rights a Western Concept?', Diogenes, No. 120, 1982, pp. 81\u20132.\n\n For a good overview of those positions see H. Frise, A. Negri and P. Wagner (eds), Europa Politica Ragioni di una necessit\u00e0, Roma Manifestolibri, 2002. See in particular the introduction, pp. 7\u201318.\n\n See for instance J\u00fcrgen Habermas, The Postnational Constellation, Cambridge, Polity Press, 2001, chapter 4.\n\n# Index\n\nadversary, the \u2013, , , ,\n\naggregative model \u2013,\n\nagonism \u2013, ,\n\nagonistic: confrontation \u2013; form ; public sphere\n\nAnderson, Perry\n\nantagonism: agonism and \u2013, , ; emergence of ; forms ; negation of , , ; the political as \u2013, ; possibility of , ,\n\nanti-globalization movement ,\n\nAnti-Oedipus (Deleuze and Guattari)\n\nArchibugi, Daniele , \u2013\n\nArendt, Hannah\n\nASEAN\n\nAustria: reactions to 2000 elections \u2013; right-wing populism , \u2013\n\nautonomy \u2013, \u2013\n\nBeck, Ulrich: on cosmopolitan perspective \u2013; on democratizing democracy \u2013; on expert systems \u2013, ; on new individualism ; post-political vision \u2013; on reflexive modernity , ; and 'reinvention of politics' \u2013; on social democracy ; on 'sub-politics' \u2013\n\nBelgium, right-wing populism ,\n\nBerlin, Isaiah\n\nBetween Facts and Norms (Habermas)\n\nBeyond Left and Right (Giddens)\n\nBlair, Tony \u2013,\n\nBobbio, Norberto\n\nBritain, right-wing populism\n\nbureaucratization\n\nBush, George W. , \u2013,\n\nCacciari, Massimo\n\nCanetti, Elias \u2013,\n\ncapitalism , , , ,\n\ncentre-left\n\nChandler, David ,\n\nChina \u2013\n\nChirac, Jacques\n\ncitizen, global \u2013\n\ncivil society \u2013; global \u2013\n\nCivilization and Its Discontents (Freud)\n\nclass, concept of ,\n\ncollective identities: Beck and Giddens on ; we\/they discrimination \u2013, , , \u2013; weakening , , ,\n\ncollectivism\n\ncommunism , , \u2013\n\nConcept of the Political, The (Schmitt) ,\n\nconflict ,\n\nconfrontation, agonistic \u2013\n\nconsensus: in Austria ; conflictual ; current emphasis , \u2013; dangers of consensus model , , \u2013; implementation by 'radical centre' ; need for ; Schmitt on \u2013; vision of ,\n\n'constitutive outside' , \u2013\n\ncontestation\n\nCosmopolitan Democracy: An Agenda for a New World Order (Archibugi and Held)\n\ncosmopolitan views \u2013, \u2013,\n\ncrowd, the \u2013\n\nCrowds and Power (Canetti) \u2013\n\nDahl, Robert \u2013\n\nDavos, economic summit\n\nDeleuze, Gilles ,\n\ndeliberative model ,\n\ndemocracy: absolute , , ; adversarial model \u2013, ; agonistic \u2013; authority and ; consensual form ; cosmopolitan , ; criteria ; democratizing \u2013, , ; dialogic , \u2013, \u2013; emotional ; and global governance \u2013; liberal ; partisan-free ; pluralist ; radical ; reflexive ; revitalization\n\ndemocratic politics \u2013\n\ndemocrats \u2013\n\nDerrida, Jacques\n\ndeterritorialization\n\ndifference\n\necological issues ,\n\nEmpire (Hardt and Negri) \u2013\n\nenemy as criminal \u2013, see also friend\/enemy\n\nEnlightenment \u2013\n\n'establishment, the'\n\nEurope, which? \u2013\n\nEuropean Union ,\n\nevil , \u2013, \u2013\n\nexclusion \u2013, , , , , \u2013\n\nexistentials\n\nFalk, Richard , , \u2013\n\nfamily , \u2013\n\nFlahaut, Fran\u00e7ois\n\nFrance, right-wing populism , \u2013\n\nFreud, Sigmund , \u2013\n\nfriend\/enemy discrimination: and moralization of politics ; and pluralism \u2013, , \u2013; Schmitt's approach ,\n\nfundamentalists , ,\n\nGiddens, Anthony: on democratizing democracy \u2013, \u2013; post-political vision \u2013; and post-traditional society \u2013; on PPPs ; on reflexive modernity ; rhetorics of modernization \u2013; on social democracy \u2013, \u2013, ; third way politics \u2013\n\nglobal governance \u2013\n\nGlobal Parliamentary Assembly (GPA)\n\nglobalization: Beck on ; cosmopolitan future ; Giddens on , \u2013; Hardt and Negri on ; neo-liberal form , ,\n\ngood and evil, we\/they confrontation , \u2013\n\ngovernance, concept of \u2013\n\nGramsci, Antonio\n\nGray, John ,\n\nGroup Psychology and the Analysis of the Ego (Freud)\n\nGuattari, F\u00e9lix\n\nHabermas, J\u00fcrgen , , \u2013, , ,\n\nHaider, J\u00f6rg , \u2013\n\nHall, Stuart \u2013,\n\nHardt, Michael\n\nHegel, Georg Wilhelm Friedrich\n\nhegemonic practices\n\nhegemony: beyond , \u2013, , ; concept ; construction of new , ; pluralization of ; Western\n\nHegemony and Socialist Strategy (Laclau and Mouffe) \u2013\n\nHeidegger, Martin ,\n\nHeld, David , , \u2013, \u2013\n\nhuman rights \u2013; mestiza conception \u2013\n\nHuman Rights Court\n\nhuman sociability \u2013\n\nhumanity, concept of \u2013\n\nidentification \u2013\n\ninclusion\n\nindividualism: growth of new ; in liberal thought ; spread of ,\n\nindividualization ,\n\nIraq, invasion of\n\nIslam\n\nJospin, Lionel\n\njouissance\n\nJus Publicum Europaeum ,\n\nKaldor, Mary \u2013\n\nKant, Immanuel , \u2013,\n\nKerv\u00e9gan, Jean-Fran\u00e7ois \u2013\n\nKeynesian economic management\n\nLacan, Jacques \u2013\n\nLaclau, Ernesto ,\n\nLatin America\n\nlaw: international ; legal pluralism \u2013; rule of \u2013\n\nLe Pen, Jean-Marie \u2013\n\nleft, ultra , ,\n\nleft and right: beyond , ; centre-left ; loss of meaning of divide , , ; metaphor ; revitalization of distinction \u2013; struggle between ; in sub-politics\n\nliberal democracy: present stage , ; questioning superiority of , ; universality of \u2013\n\nliberalism \u2013, \u2013,\n\nliberals \u2013\n\nlife politics \u2013, ,\n\nLocke, John\n\nLuhmann, Niklas\n\nMachiavelli, Niccolo\n\nMassey, Doreen\n\nmestiza conception of human rights \u2013\n\nMitterrand, Fran\u00e7ois\n\nmobilization \u2013\n\nmodernities, pluralism of \u2013\n\nmodernization, rhetorics of \u2013\n\nMontesquieu, Charles de Secondat, baron de\n\nmoral register , \u2013\n\nmorality \u2013\n\nMoreiras, Alberto\n\nmulticulturalism\n\nmultilateralism\n\nmultipolar world order \u2013\n\nmultitude, the \u2013, \u2013\n\nMultitude, War and Democracy in the Age of Empire (Hardt and Negri)\n\nnation-state \u2013,\n\nnationalism , \u2013\n\nnature, relationship to\n\nNegri, Antonio\n\nneo-liberalism , , , , \u2013\n\nNew Labour \u2013,\n\nnew world order ,\n\nOttoman Empire\n\nPanikkar, Raimundo\n\nparliamentary system \u2013\n\n'passions' , ,\n\n'people, the'\n\npluralism: agonistic dynamics ; and friend\/enemy relation \u2013; legal ; liberal understanding of ; limits of \u2013; of modernities \u2013\n\npluralist democracy\n\npluriverse\n\npolitical, the \u2013, ; as antagonism \u2013, ; cosmopolitan views and ; the social and \u2013\n\npolitics \u2013; democratic \u2013; in the moral register \u2013; reinvention of \u2013\n\npopulism, right-wing , \u2013, , \u2013\n\npost-democracy\n\npost-Fordism\n\npost-political vision \u2013,\n\npost-traditional society \u2013, \u2013,\n\npower relations , , , , ,\n\npublic-private partnerships (PPP) \u2013\n\npure relationship\n\nradical centre\n\nRanci\u00e8re, Jacques\n\nRasch, William ,\n\nRawls, John\n\nRaz, Joseph\n\nReagan, Ronald\n\nreconciliation\n\nreflexive modernity , \u2013, , , ,\n\nreflexive modernization , , \u2013,\n\nright, extreme \u2013\n\nright-wing populism , \u2013, , \u2013\n\nrights and responsibilities\n\nrisk society , ,\n\nRorty, Richard \u2013\n\nRousseau, Jean-Jacques\n\nRustin, Michael\n\nSchmitt, Carl: attitudes to \u2013; challenge to liberalism \u2013, \u2013, ; on dangers of unipolar model \u2013; on friend\/enemy relation \u2013, ; on pluralism , ; vision of new global order \u2013\n\nscience\n\nSeptember 11 2001, events , , , , ,\n\nside-effects ,\n\nsocial, the \u2013\n\nsocial democracy: Giddens on \u2013, \u2013, ; move to right ; New Labour's 'renewal' of \u2013\n\nsocial reflexivity\n\nSousa Santos, Boaventura de \u2013\n\nsovereignty , \u2013,\n\nStaten, Henry\n\nStavrakakis, Yannis\n\nStrauss, Andrew , \u2013\n\nsub-politics \u2013,\n\nTarring with the Negative (iek)\n\nterrorism: antagonistic mode ; as consequence of unipolar world \u2013; and transnationalization of politics \u2013; war against , ,\n\nThatcherism ,\n\nTheorism of the Partisan (Schmitt)\n\nThird Way, The (Giddens)\n\nThird Way and Its Critics, The (Giddens)\n\nthird way politics \u2013,\n\nThousand Plateaus, A (Deleuze and Guattari)\n\ntraditionalists , ,\n\ntransformations in personal life\n\ntransnationalization of politics \u2013\n\ntrust, active\n\nTully, James\n\nUnited Nations , \u2013,\n\nUnited States: dominance , , ; hegemony , , , ; idealized view of ; moralization of politics , ; relationship with Europe \u2013\n\nUniversal Declaration of Human Rights\n\nUrbinati, Nadia ,\n\nvoting , ,\n\nWalzer, Michael\n\nwar, conception of \u2013\n\nwe\/they: antagonistic ; confrontation ; democratic politics \u2013; discrimination , \u2013, \u2013; in Freud's work ; parliamentary system ; types of relation \u2013,\n\nwelfare state ,\n\nWesternization \u2013,\n\nWittgenstein, Ludwig , ,\n\nworld order: multipolar \u2013; new , ; new global \u2013\n\nWorld Social Forums\n\nYugoslavia, disintegration of\n\nZeitgeist, post-political , ,\n\n\u017di\u017eek, Slavoj \u2013,\n\nZolo, Danilo , \n","meta":{"redpajama_set_name":"RedPajamaBook"}}
+{"text":"\n\nDedication\n\nThis book is dedicated to you, whoever and whatever you are. We hope this book pleases and delights you, and takes you on a journey.\nContents\n\n_Cover_\n\n_Title Page_\n\n_Dedication_\n\nWelcome\n\nThis book\n\nYour kitchen\n\nFantastic feasts\n\n01 Quick Eats\n\nCreamy Carbonara\n\nMushroom Pho\n\nGuacaroni\n\nCurry-Crusted Sweet Potatoes\n\nSticky Shiitake Mushrooms\n\nMini Chili Bowls\n\nQuick Puttanesca Spaghetti\n\nMini Pizza Tarts\n\nNice Spice Rice\n\nEasy Peasy Pasta\n\nPad Thai\n\nPortobello Mushroom Burgers\n\nCrispy Chili Tofu\n\nJackfruit Tacos\n\nCreamy Mac & Greens\n\nStir-Fry Noodles\n\nSauce Recipes\n\nBasic Stir-Fry\n\nSweet & Sour\n\nOrange & Ginger\n\nBlack Pepper\n\n02 Big Eats\n\nMushroom & Guinness Pie\n\nSweet & Sour Crispy Tofu\n\nIrresistible Risotto\n\nTom Yum Soup\n\nPasta Caponata\n\nBig Bhaji Burger\n\nCreamy Seaside Pie\n\nCreamy Korma\n\nPastaball Marinara\n\nRogan BOSH!\n\nSweet Pepper Fajitas\n\nThai Red Curry\n\nRed Ratatouille Risotto\n\nSaag Aloo Curry\n\nShepherd's Potato\n\nSpaghetti Bolognese\n\n03 Showpieces\n\nBurrito Samosas\n\nMassaman Curry\n\nGiant Burrito Cake\n\nMezze Cake\n\nUltimate Chili\n\nBig Bad Nachos\n\nPerfect Pizza\n\nBasic Pizza Dough\n\nMiddle East Pizza\n\nAvocado Toast Pizza\n\nJerk Jackfruit & Plantain Pizza\n\nPettigrew's Paella\n\nThe Big BOSH! Burger\n\nRich & Creamy Lasagna\n\nSpiral Tart\n\nThe Big BOSH! Roast\n\nMushroom Wellington\n\nRosemary & Thyme Roast Vegetables\n\nRed Wine Gravy\n\n\"Fish\" & Chips\n\nMinted Mushy Peas\n\nTartare Sauce\n\nWorld's Best Pesto Lasagna\n\n04 Greens & BOSH! Bowls\n\nTomato & Pomegranate Salad\n\nLemon & Chili Griddled Greens\n\nUltimate BBQ Coleslaw\n\nGuacamole Potato Salad\n\nFalafel BOSH! Bowl\n\nBeet, Onion & Sweet Potato Salad\n\nSatay Sweet Potato BOSH! Bowl\n\nSouthwest BOSH! Bowl\n\nThe Best-Dressed BOSH! Bowl\n\nThe Big Green BOSH! Bowl\n\nMake Your Own BOSH! Bowls\n\n05 Small Plates & Sharers\n\nCauliflower Buffalo Wings\n\nShiitake Teriyaki Dippers\n\nPopcorn Falafel\n\nMaki Sushi Rolls\n\nGuaca Maki Rolls\n\nSatay Maki Rolls\n\nBangin' Veggie Kebabs\n\nMarinades\n\nAsian BBQ\n\nSpicy Shashlik\n\nRich Satay\n\nHoisin Pancakes\n\nFrench Onion Soup\n\nSpanish Tapas\n\nJane's Pan Con Tomate\n\nGarlic Mushrooms\n\nPatatas Bravas\n\nPeri Peri Hasselback Potatoes\n\nAll the Sauces\n\nOlive Tapenade\n\nProper Spanish Aioli\n\nRich Satay Sauce\n\nBaba Ganoush\n\nAmazing Chili Sauce\n\nUltimate Guacamole\n\nBangin' Salsa\n\nFiery Chili Pesto\n\nAll the Hummus\n\nRoasted Garlic Hummus\n\nSun-Dried Tomato Hummus\n\nOlive Tapenade Hummus\n\nBurrito Hummus\n\nClassic Hummus\n\nPesto Hummus\n\nGuacummus\n\nSatay Hummus\n\nFluffy Naan Bread & Raita\n\nBasic Naan Bread\n\nGarlic Naan Bread\n\nJane's Mint Raita\n\nPeshwari Naan Bread\n\nRice 3 Ways\n\nPerfectly Boiled Rice\n\nOnion Fried Rice\n\nSpecial Fried Rice\n\nGarlic & Herb Cashew Cheese\n\n06 Cocktails\n\nEasy Almond Baileys\n\nSalted Caramel Espresso Martini\n\nSmoochies\n\nWatermelon Heaven\n\nGinger Ninja\n\nFruity Fire\n\nMango Hard\n\nMiami Vice\n\nMojitos\n\nSpicy Mojito\n\nGinger & Lemongrass Mojito\n\nWatermelon J\u00e4gerbomb Punch\n\n07 Desserts\n\nShirley's Sheffield Scones\n\nChocolate Chip Cookies\n\nSpanish Beach Churros\n\nGooey PBJ Brownies\n\nCarrot Cake\n\nPain au Chocolat Loaf Cake\n\nUltimate Chocolate Fudge Cake\n\nAquafaba Chocolate Mousse\n\nSticky Toffee Pudding\n\nMixed Berry Crumble\n\nSalted Caramel Chocolate Crunch Tart\n\nApple Pear Pie\n\n08 Breakfasts\n\nBanana Pancakes\n\nChocolate Granola\n\nBOSH! Breakfast Toasts\n\nCreamy Garlic Mushroom Toast\n\nSmoky BBQ Beans on Toast\n\nTofu Scramble on Toast\n\nBanana Bread\n\nThe Big Breakfast\n\nHerb Mushrooms\n\nBasil Tomatoes\n\nHash Browns\n\nChocolate Croissant Tearer Sharer\n\nSimple Japanese Breakfast\n\nJapanese Pickle\n\nBreakfast Smoothies\n\nTurmeric Powershot\n\nChoconana Protein Shake\n\nGreen Goodness\n\nNutrition\n\n_Thanks_\n\n_Index_\n\n_Copyright_\n\n_About the Publisher_\n\nWelcome\n\nWe're here to show you how you can eat delightful meals that are both easy to cook and incredibly satisfying, all using just plants.\n\nLet us introduce you to a new way of thinking about food; one that we've developed and perfected together over the last three years, and that is becoming increasingly popular.\n\nIt involves eating delicious, hearty, even indulgent meals that are both comfortingly familiar and exciting, and without any need for meat or dairy.\n\nIt's also a new way of cooking. Animal products are so ingrained in the human diet that we've had tens of thousands of years to hone the art of cooking with them. But the concept of cooking without meat and dairy is still relatively new. Which can only mean one thing: there is so much potential yet to be unleashed from plant-based eating.\n\nWe promise you'll find in this book your new, fail-safe family favorites, inspiring lunch ideas, showstoppers that'll impress even the most staunch steak-lover, tasty snacks, outrageously good desserts (we're pretty good at those, if we do say so ourselves), and awesome cocktails, every one bursting with flavor.\n\nSo, whether you're thinking about reducing the amount of meat you eat, or you don't eat animal products at all, this book is for you.\n\n**BOSH!**\n\nIf you'd told us three years ago we were going to spend our lives cooking and eating amazing plant-based food, we wouldn't have believed you. We were a couple of mates from Sheffield who ate meat every single week.\n\nNow we run BOSH!, the biggest plant-based online channel in the world. Our food creations were viewed by half a billion people in our first year and our most popular recipe videos have been viewed over 50 million times. We never expected to have that kind of success, and it has been humbling.\n\n\"I was the one to first cut out animal products.\"\n\n**Ian**\n\n\"I mocked Ian when he went vegan, and asked him where he'd get his protein from. But eventually he won me over. That and the whole saving the world by not eating mass-produced animal products thing.\"\n\n**Henry**\n\nAfter cutting out animal products entirely, both of us felt fantastic. But we had to re-learn how to cook and find food when we were out and about. We also found that the vegan food available in restaurants or in cookbooks was often, frankly, not very good.\n\nWe saw an opportunity. Since then, it's been our life's mission to show people how to make delicious plant-based meals. However often they choose to do that.\n\nAnd now, after three years of eating plant-based food, we've mastered a new style of cooking, one made popular through a new breed of internet chefs, where novelty and wow-factor presentation are just as important as taste and ease.\n\nWith this new style of cooking, we've created all-plants versions of classic dishes that are free from meat, eggs, and dairy, but still totally scrumptious. You know your favorite dishes, the ones you've learned by heart and use again and again? Well these are your new go-to classics.\n\nEverything we do is aimed at showing just how easy it is to eat more plants. We also want to prove how delicious, hearty, and satisfying plant-based food can be.\n\nWe cook, drink, and film delicious recipes for the world, all from our home studio in East London.\n\n**x Henry and Ian**\n\nThis book\n\n**Cook fast food fast. Spend time on showstoppers.**\n\nSometimes you just need to eat quick, and you reach for your classic speedy dishes. Check out our Quick Eats chapter for yummy plates that you'll be able to get on the table in 30 minutes or less. Other times you're cooking for an occasion and looking to impress. Check out our Big Eats chapter for classics that will be worth the extra time, taking up to an hour to prep, or our Showpieces chapter for masterpieces that take that little bit longer (but the results are well worth it).\n\n**Get it right. First time. These are high-quality recipes.**\n\nEvery recipe in this book has been rigorously and repeatedly tested again and again by us and our wonderful food team. We give you our word that these recipes work to a level that many in other cookbooks do not. These are high-quality recipes. Get the right tools, follow the instructions, and you can easily cook these meals to perfection.\n\nTo make it easier for you to work quickly, we've also included the preparation instructions (like peeling and chopping) in the method. This ensures that you make the best use of your time, cooking as quickly as possible. We've also included a \"before you start\" section above each recipe method, to highlight any special equipment you need or anything you should do before you start cooking. All oven temperatures are for convection ovens, so adjust the temperature if you have a conventional oven.\n\n**Create restaurant-quality meals at home**\n\nCheck out our Fantastic Feasts section to create menus as good as (or better than) anything you'll get from a restaurant or takeout, with dishes that complement each other.\n\nWhether you're in the mood for an Asian blowout, an Indian banquet, a Tex-Mex spread, or a big Sunday lunch, you'll find everything you need in this book.\n\n**Watch videos to see how we do it**\n\nLooking for a helping hand when cooking a recipe? We've created a simple, top-down recipe video for the trickier dishes so you can see exactly how to cook them, step by step. Check out our website www.bosh.tv\n\nYour kitchen\n\nHere are a few tips from us to help you really master your kitchen and your cooking skills.\n\n**Be a continuously improving cook, whatever your level**\n\nWhether you're just starting out cooking only with plants or you're already accomplished with vegan food, there's always something new to learn. Here's how to be at the top of your game.\n\nTreat each recipe you cook as an opportunity to learn something new. Don't fall into the trap of cooking the same things on repeat; find new recipes, get the right ingredients, and try them out.\n\nUp your skills from time to time with videos and books. Improve your knife skills with videos on YouTube. Use any of the amazing online tools, or a collection of cookbooks, to store up recipes to try in future. You can use post-its to mark the pages with recipes you want to try!\n\nThere's always something new to master, whether it's basics like getting vegan b\u00e9chamel nailed or advanced baking with aquafaba. This new, plant-based way of thinking about food has so much freedom for innovation, so you'll be constantly improving.\n\n**Keep fruit and veggies on hand (or on ice) at all times!**\n\nA fridge full of fruit and veggies is not only good for your pocket, but they'll also keep really well. Onions, garlic, and potatoes are best kept out of the fridge in a cool, dry place.\n\nGot lots of fruit left over? Stick it in the freezer and use it to make morning smoothies. Peel and chop the fruit into bite-sized chunks and put it into a Tupperware container for easy use later. We have a constant store of frozen bananas, apples, berries, spinach, kale, and watermelon ready to combine for a deliciously nutritious smoothie at any time of the day.\n\nBought too many veggies? That's OK: freeze them and use them later. Made too much pasta sauce? Pop it in a Tupperware or a freezer bag and keep it ready for a quick meal.\n\n**Keep your kitchen and pantry well organized to make life easier**\n\nOrganize your pantry well and you'll always have meals ready to cook\u2014check out key ingredients to keep in stock. We go full nerd with sticky labels to highlight the right places for things. It makes cooking so much more satisfying and efficient because we're not constantly searching for ingredients in the cupboard.\n\nWe tend to organize our pantry shelves into sections like \"sauces & syrups,\" \"oils & vinegars,\" \"herbs & spices,\" \"flour, sugar & baking,\" \"grains, rice, pasta,\" plus the essential \"tea & coffee\" shelf. Figure out a system that works for you. Trust us, knowing where things are makes fast cooking much easier.\n\nFinally, organize your spices in a way that's easy to browse. We prefer smaller tubs of spices since they tend to be a consistent size and they usually have labels on the top. Plus, big bags of spice are harder to store and spices tend to go off if they're left on the shelf for too long. You'll soon discover which herbs and spices you get through quickly and which are worth buying in bulk\u2014try decanting them into jars and adding your own labels on the lid.\n\nEQUIPMENT\n\nThe equipment you find in your typical kitchen is going to work just fine for the recipes in this book. There is nothing super fancy or technical about what we do in our kitchen; we like to keep things simple. But, if we were going to design a cost-effective kitchen from scratch, here's how we would do it:\n\n**Essential items**\n\nThese should be your go-to items. We use these every day to make great BOSH! food.\n\n**High-powered blender** (like a NutriBullet, Magic Ninja, or Magimix)\n\nA **good, sharp knife** (and sharpener)\n\nA selection of **cutting boards** that look great on the side and inspire you to cook\n\nA **kitchen timer** or your mobile phone to get the timings right\n\n**Neatly stored spices** , all in one place so you can find them quickly\n\n**A varied selection of preferably nonstick saucepans**\n\n**Large spoons and tongs** that work with your pans (don't use metal on nonstick!)\n\n**Measuring tools** , like a measuring cup, scale, and measuring spoons\n\n**Nice-to-have items**\n\nGet these if you like. They will speed up your cooking, but they're optional.\n\nKeep a clean **kitchen towel** in your pocket as you cook and you'll feel like a pro\n\nLarge-bowl **food processor** or **hand blender**\n\n**Oven-to-table dishes** (for lasagna and pies)\n\n**Garlic crusher**\n\nA **grater** to zest or grate dairy-free cheese\n\nA good **rolling pin**\n\n**Completely optional, but very cool items**\n\nThese come in handy from time to time in our kitchen, so get them if you wish.\n\n**Pizza stone** for better cooking and a crispier crust\n\n**Waffle iron**\n\n**Toasted-sandwich maker**\n\n**Slow cooker** for long, slow, melt-in-the-mouth curries\n\n**Tiny dishes** (soy sauce dishes) for measuring out spices before you start to cook\n\n**Sealing clips** to keep opened packets of food from spilling everywhere\n\n**Tupperware or storage jars** to keep your cupboards organized and store leftovers\n\n**Tofu press** to make it even easier to cook with tofu\n\nINGREDIENTS\n\nThe chances are that you already have most of these ingredients in your cupboard or your fridge. What we hope this book will do is unlock the potential in your pantry, and help you turn that humble can of chickpeas into the most awesome falafel, or transform your usual pasta dish into something you'd be proud to serve at a dinner party. Get stocked up!\n\n**Essentials**\n\nIf someone were to ask us what we keep in our kitchen cupboards, this would be the answer. We use these ingredients all the time and always keep them on hand so that we can whip up a quick meal without having to go to the store first.\n\n**Pasta** , in all its many forms, will answer your hunger prayers\n\nHaving **rice** in the cupboard means you'll always have something to eat\n\n**Noodles** are a great base for speedy, nourishing, and satisfying meals\n\n**Olive or peanut oil** , to use sparingly when frying or roasting\n\n**Sea salt and black pepper** to season to perfection and bring your food to life\n\n**Garlic** , because it's the best thing ever, used by nearly every cuisine in the world\n\n**Canned chickpeas** give you the wonder beans with which you can make hummus and falafel, plus aquafaba, an incredibly useful substitute for egg and dairy in cooking\n\n**Various canned beans** will ensure you get your protein whenever you need it\n\nA supply of **canned tomatoes** means you always have a base for sauces\n\n**A selection of spices** for essential flavor\u2014never underestimate their power\n\n**Fresh fruit, veggies, and herbs** because your mum told you to eat your greens and she was right\n\n**Nuts and seeds** are fantastic for flavor, terrific for texture, and super, super healthy\n\n**Peanut butter** will give you energy, texture, and flavor in abundance\n\n**Plant-based milk** will crop up in our recipes again and again\u2014we like almond milk best\n\n**Canned coconut milk** will help you craft creamy curries\n\n**Specialties**\n\nWe tend to have these in our cupboards too, but we use them less frequently.\n\n**Nutritional yeast** provides a nutty, cheesy taste and is a great source of vitamin B12\n\n**Cashews** can be soaked and blended for cream or cooked for a satisfying crunch\n\n**Passata or tomato puree** will help your Italian dishes come to life\n\n**Kalamata olives** add wonderful flavor and robust texture\n\n**Sun-dried tomatoes** offer an incredible depth of flavor\n\n**Jarred roasted peppers** are great blended up to add to a tomato sauce or soup\n\n**Dairy-free cheese** will provide familiarity and texture\n\n**Firm tofu** gives bite and texture, as well as all-important protein\n\n**Nori** helps you get a fishy, salty flavor and can be used to wrap sushi rolls\n\n**Capers** offer a really individual, salty flavor\n\n**Soy cream** introduces lovely silky, creamy textures\n\n**Dairy-free ice cream** should always be in the freezer because, well, movie night\n\nFantastic feasts\n\nHere are some delicious feasts you can create using the recipes in this book. Create your own takeout at home, or create a spread to wow a whole dinner party, using just this book.\n\nSPANISH SPREAD\n\nFancy a fiesta? Make the ultimate Spanish spread. Just add sangria, salsa, and a little bit of sunshine.\n\n**Pettigrew's Paella**\n\n**Spanish Tapas**\n\n**Proper Spanish Aioli**\n\n* * *\n\nTHE BIG INDIAN TAKEOUT\n\nIf contrasting curries is your thing then we've got you covered! This wonderful spread of curries, naan, and rice represents the best of our favorite cuisine.\n\n**Big Bhaji Burger**\n\n**Creamy Korma**\n\n**Rogan BOSH!**\n\n**Saag Aloo Curry**\n\n**Fluffy Naan Bread & Raita**\n\n**Onion Fried Rice**\n\n* * *\n\nTHE BIG THAI TAKEOUT\n\nTo magic up your own Southeast Asian takeout look no further than these recipes. You'll find deep, subtle yet strong spices and explosions of flavor.\n\n**Pad Thai**\n\n**Tom Yum Soup**\n\n**Thai Red Curry**\n\n**Massaman Curry**\n\n**(Rich Satay) Bangin' Veggie Kebabs**\n\n**Perfectly Boiled Rice**\n\n* * *\n\nTHE BIG CHINESE TAKEOUT\n\nCreate an Indo-Chinese takeout in your own home. Let your guests wrap their own pancakes, and pick and choose from all the bowls in the middle of the table. Just add chopsticks.\n\n**Sticky Shiitake Mushrooms**\n\n**Crispy Chili Tofu**\n\n**Sweet & Sour Crispy Tofu**\n\n**Shiitake Teriyaki Dippers**\n\n**Hoisin Pancakes**\n\n**Special Fried Rice**\n\n* * *\n\nTHE BIG BBQ\n\nFeeling like an all-year-round taste of summer? These dishes will delight any BBQ party or brighten up any dining room. Grill and nibble to your heart's content.\n\n**Portobello Mushroom Burgers**\n\n**The Big BOSH! Burger**\n\n**Lemon & Chili Griddled Greens**\n\n**Ultimate BBQ Coleslaw**\n\n**Guacamole Potato Salad**\n\n**Bangin' Veggie Kebabs**\n\n* * *\n\nITALIAN HEAVEN\n\nIf you like pasta and pizza as much as we do, then look no further. This is the perfect dinner-party spread.\n\n**Spaghetti Bolognese**\n\n**Perfect Pizza**\n\n**World's Best Pesto Lasagna**\n\n* * *\n\nWEEKEND LUNCH\n\nA British dinner of comfort and joy!\n\n**Mushroom & Guinness Pie**\n\n**\"Fish\" & Chips**\n\n**Sticky Toffee Pudding**\n\n* * *\n\nA TEX-MEX-STYLE FIESTA\n\nCombine these dishes for a serious taste of Tex-Mex goodness. We hope you like guacamole (who doesn't?). Feel free to dial down the chili if you prefer!\n\n**Jackfruit Tacos**\n\n**Sweet Pepper Fajitas**\n\n**Burrito Samosas**\n\n**Ultimate Chili**\n\n**Big Bad Nachos**\n\n**Cauliflower Buffalo Wings**\n\n* * *\n\nTHE MEZZE PLATTER\n\nTake a trip to the Middle East with the ultimate mezze spread. The flavors of hummus, falafel, and olives are deliciousness in every mouthful. If you have the time, trust us, the Mezze Cake is worth it.\n\n**Mezze Cake**\n\n**Tomato & Pomegranate Salad**\n\n**Falafel BOSH! Bowl**\n\n**Popcorn Falafel**\n\n**Baba Ganoush**\n\n**All the Hummus**\n\n* * *\n\nTHE BIG BOSH! ROAST\n\nNo Sunday (or Christmas Day!) is complete without a roast dinner and all the trimmings. There are step-by-step instructions here.\n\n**Mushroom Wellington**\n\n**Rosemary & Thyme Roast Vegetables**\n\n**Red Wine Gravy**\n\n**Quick Eats**\n\nGet it done quickly\n\nDelicious food whenever\n\nYou need a fast feed\nCREAMY CARBONARA\n\nSERVES 4\n\nThis is everything a carbonara should be: creamy, rich, and comforting. The smoky, flavorful mushrooms complement the thick, satisfying pasta sauce perfectly. A truly fantastic option for a delicious midweek dinner.\n\n6 portobello mushrooms (about 9 oz)\n\n5 tbsp soy sauce\n\n1 tbsp + 1 tsp maple syrup\n\n1 tbsp + 1 tsp apple cider vinegar\n\n1 tbsp + 1 tsp olive oil\n\n4\u00bd oz cashews\n\n5 garlic cloves\n\ngenerous \u00be cup unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n2 tbsp nutritional yeast\n\n5 oz silken tofu\n\n10 oz spaghetti\n\n1 cup green peas\n\nhandful flat-leaf parsley or arugula leaves, to serve\n\nPreheat oven to 390\u00b0F | Line a baking sheet | Blender | Small saucepan of boiling water over high heat | Large saucepan of salted water over high heat\n\n* * *\n\nSlice the mushrooms thinly | Pour the soy sauce, maple syrup, cider vinegar, and olive oil into a bowl and whisk to combine | Add the mushrooms, making sure the slices are well covered in the marinade, and set aside\n\nMeanwhile, put the cashews in the small saucepan filled with boiling water and boil for 15 minutes\n\nTake the mushroom slices out of the bowl and lay them out evenly on the lined baking sheet | Add the whole garlic cloves and pour the marinade over everything | Bake in the hot oven for 25\u201330 minutes, until they have shrunk in size and begun to crisp very slightly\n\nDrain the cashews and put them into the blender along with the plant-based milk, nutritional yeast, and tofu | Whizz to a very smooth cream and then set aside\n\nAdd the pasta to the large pan of boiling salted water and cook until al dente, following the instructions on the packet | Add the peas for the last minute of cooking | Fill a mug with pasta water and set aside | Drain the pasta and peas in a colander and tip the pasta back into the cooking pot\n\nPour the carbonara cream and 3 tablespoons of the pasta water over the pasta and stir everything around until the pasta is well covered in the cream | Take the mushrooms out of the oven and fold them into the creamy pasta | Add another splash of pasta water, if needed, to give a nice, loose, creamy consistency\n\nGarnish with the fresh parsley or arugula (or any other leafy green) and serve immediately\nMUSHROOM PHO\n\nSERVES 6\n\nNothing beats a hearty pho soup. Traditionally, pho is made with a deep stock that's been brewing for hours, or even days. We've used a shortcut but retained the pho richness through the delights of shiitake mushrooms, star anise, and tamarind paste. Just make sure you have enough liquid and add more water if you need to.\n\n2 onions\n\n4 garlic cloves\n\n3-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n3 fresh red chilies\n\n16 shiitake mushrooms\n\n6 tbsp toasted sesame oil\n\n\u2154 cup fresh orange juice (not from concentrate)\n\n2 tbsp tamarind paste\n\n4 star anise\n\n2 cinnamon sticks\n\n3 quarts water\n\n7 tbsp soy or tamari sauce\n\n7 tbsp maple syrup\n\n10 button mushrooms\n\n10 oz flat rice noodles\n\n4 scallions\n\n2 handfuls fresh cilantro\n\n2 handfuls fresh mint\n\n5 oz bean sprouts\n\n7 oz bok choy\n\nsriracha and soy sauce, to serve\n\nLarge saucepan over medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nPeel and coarsely chop the onions and garlic | Peel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon and chop coarsely | Rip the stem from one of the chilies and chop, removing the seeds if you prefer a milder flavor | Trim and roughly slice 6 of the shiitake mushrooms\n\nHeat 3 tablespoons of the sesame oil in the large saucepan and add the chopped onion, garlic, chili, ginger, and the sliced shiitakes | Cook for 10\u201315 minutes, stirring continuously until everything has softened\n\nAdd the orange juice, tamarind paste, star anise, and cinnamon sticks and continue to stir for another 3 minutes | Add the water, soy, or tamari sauce and maple syrup\n\nTurn up the heat, bring to a boil, then turn it down again and simmer for 10 minutes, until reduced by about one-sixth | Strain the liquid into a large bowl through a sieve | Rinse the pan\n\nPut the pan back over high heat and add the remaining 3 tablespoons sesame oil | While the oil is warming, trim the remaining 10 shiitakes and the button mushrooms and add them to the pan | Fry for a couple of minutes, until very slightly browned | Pour all the pho liquid back into the pan | Add the rice noodles and cook for about 3\u20134 minutes, or according to the package directions\n\nFinely slice the scallions and put them in a small pile on a large plate | Pick the leaves from the cilantro and mint and put them on the plate | Trim and finely slice the remaining chilies, removing the seeds if you prefer a milder flavor, and put them on the plate along with the bean sprouts\n\nTrim and quarter the bok choy lengthwise and add it to the soup | Take the whole pan to the table along with the plate, with a ladle for people to serve themselves and chopsticks for them to add their own fresh herbs, vegetables, and chilies | Serve with soy sauce and sriracha on the side | Best eaten as soon as it's ready!\nGUACARONI\n\nSERVES 4\u20136\n\nMacaroni meets guacamole! This dish is as perfect as its name suggests and we think it's one of the finest pasta salads you will ever taste. It's great eaten hot or cold, served alongside a BBQ, as a lunchtime salad, or with a bit of green salad as a quick main course.\n\n11 oz macaroni\n\n3\u00bd tsp salt\n\n4 ripe avocados\n\n2 limes\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\n\u00bd tsp garlic powder\n\n\u00bd red onion\n\n2 fresh red chilies\n\n12 cherry tomatoes\n\n1 cup fresh cilantro leaves\n\nLarge saucepan of water over high heat | Large mixing bowl\n\n* * *\n\nAdd the macaroni and 2 teaspoons of the salt to the boiling water and cook until al dente, according to the package directions\n\nHalve and carefully pit the avocados by tapping the pits firmly with the heel of a knife so that it lodges in the pit, then twist and remove the pits, then scoop the flesh into the mixing bowl | Halve the limes and squeeze the juice into the bowl, catching any seeds in your other hand | Add the olive oil, garlic powder, and the remaining salt to taste and mash the avocado using the back of a fork | Peel and mince the onion | Rip the stems from the chilies, cut them in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds if you prefer a milder flavor | Finely chop the tomatoes, chilies, and cilantro and add to the bowl | Mix all the ingredients together\n\nDrain the macaroni and tip into the bowl of guacamole, stirring to make sure the pasta is well covered | Serve immediately as a side dish or light lunch, or box it up ready for tomorrow's lunch\nCURRY-CRUSTED SWEET POTATOES\n\nSERVES 2\n\nWe've mixed up the traditional stuffed potato by putting our filling on the outside in this recipe. The flavors work a treat with a fresh lime crust contrasting really well with a delicious sweet potato. This is one to freestyle with and try different flavor combos. It works great in the oven or cooked on an outdoor grill.\n\n2 large sweet potatoes (about 10 oz each)\n\nvegetable oil, for greasing\n\nsalad leaves, to serve, optional\n\n2 cups guacamole (store-bought or see here), to serve, optional\n\nFOR THE CURRY PASTE\n\n2-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n3 garlic cloves\n\n1 fresh red chili\n\n1 lime\n\n8 sun-dried tomatoes, plus 1 tbsp oil from the jar\n\n15 sprigs fresh cilantro\n\n7 tbsp shredded coconut\n\ngenerous 1 tbsp panko breadcrumbs\n\n1\u00bd tsp salt\n\n1 tsp garam masala\n\n1 tsp ground cumin\n\n2 tsp water\n\nPreheat oven to 390\u00b0F | Food processor | Baking sheet | Foil\n\n* * *\n\nPrick the whole sweet potatoes with a fork and put them on a plate | Microwave on high for about 10\u201315 minutes until quite soft (alternatively put the potatoes in a 425\u00b0F oven and bake for 25 minutes, remove them from the oven, and reduce the heat to 390\u00b0F) | Remove and set aside to cool down slightly | Score the skins with a sharp knife\n\nPeel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon | Peel the garlic | Rip the stem from the chili, cut it in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds if you prefer a milder flavor | Cut the lime in half and squeeze the juice into the food processor, catching any seeds in your other hand | Put all the rest of the curry paste ingredients into the food processor and whizz to a thick paste\n\nCut 2 squares of foil big enough to fully wrap your sweet potatoes in and grease one side with oil | Take half the curry paste and use your hands to encase one of the potatoes with a thick layer of paste | Repeat with the second potato\n\nTightly wrap the sweet potatoes in the foil squares, put on the baking sheet, and bake in the preheated oven for 30 minutes | Take the sweet potatoes out of the oven, remove the foil, and serve with a small side salad and a big spoonful of guacamole, if using\nSTICKY SHIITAKE MUSHROOMS\n\nSERVES 2\n\nIf you're a fan of sticky, sweet, pan-Asian cuisine you will love this dish (seriously, it's bangin'!). It's quick and easy to put together and guaranteed to impress. Serve with freshly cooked rice and chopsticks.\n\n\u00bd lb shiitake mushrooms\n\n3 tbsp cornstarch\n\n2 tbsp peanut oil\n\n2 garlic cloves\n\n1\u00bc-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n\u00bd tsp water\n\n1 tbsp toasted sesame oil\n\n2 tbsp light brown sugar\n\n\u00bc cup dark soy sauce\n\n2 tbsp rice vinegar\n\n1 tsp sriracha sauce, or to taste\n\n1 scallion, to serve\n\n2 cups cooked basmati rice (store-bought or see here), to serve\n\n1 tsp sesame seeds, to serve\n\nWok or large frying pan over high heat\n\n* * *\n\nThickly slice the mushrooms and put them in a bowl | Sprinkle 2 tablespoons of the cornstarch over the top and toss everything together with your hands, making sure the mushrooms are well covered | Pour the peanut oil into the wok or pan and get it nice and hot | Tip in the mushrooms and fry for 4\u20136 minutes, until cooked through and slightly crisp on the outside | Transfer the mushrooms to a bowl and set aside\n\nPeel and finely chop the garlic and ginger | Spoon the remaining 1 tablespoon cornstarch into a small dish and mix it together with the water | Wipe out the wok with paper towels and put it back over low heat | Pour in the sesame oil | Add the chopped garlic and ginger and cook until you release the aromas and they're bubbling in the oil, about 1 minute | Sprinkle in the sugar and stir until caramelized, about 2 minutes more | Increase the heat slightly and pour in the cornstarch mixture, soy sauce, and rice vinegar, then stir for another minute until the sauce has thickened slightly | Add the sriracha and stir it into the sauce | Tip the cooked mushrooms back into the pan and stir to warm through and completely cover in the sauce, 1\u20132 minutes longer\n\nFinely slice the scallion | Serve the chewy mushrooms over hot basmati rice, garnished with the sliced scallion and sprinkled with sesame seeds\nMINI CHILI BOWLS\n\nSERVES 3\u20136\n\nThis is a quick-to-prepare, warming hug-in-a-bowl kind of dish that's good for impressing your guests when time is against you! Feel free to up the chili if you like a bit of a kick. This banging chili is served inside a cool cone dish.\n\n3\u20136 medium flour tortillas\n\n1 fresh red chili\n\n1 red onion\n\n2 garlic cloves\n\n2 red bell peppers\n\n9 sprigs fresh cilantro\n\n12 cherry tomatoes\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 tsp paprika\n\n\u00bd tsp ground cumin\n\n1 can (15 oz) kidney beans\n\n1 can (15 oz) black beans\n\n24 oz tomato puree\n\n3 cups cooked rice (store-bought or see here)\n\n1\u00be oz dairy-free cheese, optional\n\n1 lime\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Muffin or cupcake tin | Lidded casserole or saucepan over medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nTurn the muffin or cupcake tin upside down and place 3 tortillas in the gaps between the cups, making 3 bowl shapes | Press each tortilla down firmly to get a flat bottom, to ensure the bowls will stand up | Place the tin in the oven and bake for 7\u201310 minutes until lightly browned and firm | Take out of the oven and leave to cool and harden on the tin | If you are cooking for more than 3 people, repeat this step with more tortillas\n\nRip the stem from the chili, cut it in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds if you prefer a milder flavor, then chop | Peel and chop the onion and garlic | Cut the bell peppers in half and cut out the stems and seeds, then chop | Cut the stems from the cilantro and finely chop, reserving the leaves for later | Halve the cherry tomatoes\n\nHeat the olive oil in the pan and add the chopped chili, onion, garlic, and cilantro stems and cook for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally | Add the cherry tomatoes and bell peppers and stir for another 4\u20135 minutes | Add the paprika and ground cumin | Drain the kidney beans and black beans and stir into the sauce | Pour in the tomato puree | Leave the sauce to simmer for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally\n\nHeat the rice, according to the package directions | Put a small layer of rice on the bottom of each of the tortilla bowls and top with a generous serving of chili | Grate the dairy-free cheese, if using, on top and sprinkle with the cilantro leaves | Cut the lime into wedges and place one on each plate to serve\nQUICK PUTTANESCA SPAGHETTI\n\nSERVES 6\n\nThe combination of lemon and fresh parsley in this dish creates a voluptuous pasta and the saltiness of the capers in brine will remind you of the sea. This flexible favorite of ours is great for when you're low on fresh ingredients. It can be served with a side salad or makes a great quick meal all on its own.\n\n2 small red chilies, fresh or dried\n\n20 sprigs flat-leaf parsley\n\n10 Kalamata olives\n\n4 garlic cloves\n\n\u00bc cup olive oil\n\n1 tbsp capers, plus 1 tbsp of brine from the jar\n\n\u00bd tsp salt, plus a little extra\n\n24 oz tomato puree\n\n1 lb spaghetti\n\n\u00bd lb broccolini\n\n1 lemon\n\nLarge saucepan over medium-high heat | Large saucepan of boiling salted water over high heat\n\n* * *\n\nRip the stems from the chilies, cut them in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds if you prefer a milder sauce, and finely chop | Separate the parsley stems and finely chop, reserving the leaves for later | Pit and roughly chop the olives\n\nPeel 2 of the garlic cloves | Pour 2 tablespoons of the oil into the empty saucepan, crush in the garlic, and add the chilies, parsley stems, olives, and capers and stir for 2\u20133 minutes | Add the \u00bd teaspoon salt and 1 tablespoon of the salty brine water from the jar of capers | Leave to cook for a minute, then add the tomato puree | Taste and season with salt if necessary | Turn the heat to medium and leave to simmer while you move on to the next step\n\nAdd the spaghetti to the pan of boiling water along with the remaining 2 garlic cloves | Cook until al dente, according to the package directions\n\nMeanwhile, carefully slice the broccolini from top to bottom, creating thin strips | Add these to the spaghetti pan for the last 30 seconds of cooking time to quickly soften | Drain the pasta and broccoli in a colander and return them to the pan | Pour in the sauce\n\nRoughly chop the parsley leaves and add them to the pan | Pour in the remaining 2 tablespoons of oil and squeeze over the juice of a whole lemon, catching any seeds in your other hand | Mix everything together and serve immediately\nMINI PIZZA TARTS\n\nSERVES 6\n\nThese tarts are incredibly easy to prepare, really flavorful and look impressive. They're perfect for a starter or light lunch and are an opportunity for you to get creative with your decoration. The fluffy melt-in-your-mouth crunch of the pastry makes for a decadent but messy meal!\n\n1 sheet (11 oz) ready-to-bake dairy-free puff pastry\n\n\u00bd red onion\n\n\u00bd zucchini\n\n12 cherry tomatoes\n\n6 sun-dried tomatoes\n\n2 tbsp capers\n\n12 pitted Kalamata olives\n\n2 tbsp unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n1\u00be oz dairy-free cheese, optional\n\nhandful small fresh basil leaves, to serve\n\nFOR THE TOMATO SAUCE\n\n3 tbsp tomato paste\n\n1 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 tbsp water\n\n2 tsp balsamic vinegar\n\n\u00bd tsp black pepper\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Baking sheet | Pastry brush\n\n* * *\n\nUnroll the puff pastry onto the baking sheet, keeping it on the parchment paper it's wrapped in | Take a sharp knife and cut the pastry into 6 equal squares and separate them slightly | Run the tip of the knife lightly around the edge of each square to score a \u00bd-inch border\n\nPut all the ingredients for the tomato sauce into a small bowl and mix with a fork | Spread the sauce inside each pastry square, up to the border\n\nPeel the red onion and trim the zucchini and cherry tomatoes | Finely slice them along with the sun-dried tomatoes, capers and olives (it's important they be cut very fine so they cook quickly) | Arrange artfully over each pizza square, keeping the borders free | Brush the edges of the pizzas with the plant-based milk\n\nPut the baking sheet in the oven and bake for 20\u201322 minutes, then remove and neatly grate the dairy-free cheese, if using, over the top of each square | Put the tarts back in the oven for 3 minutes to melt (if you cook them for any longer the cheese will start to harden)\n\nRemove the pan from the oven, scatter the basil leaves over the tartlets and serve immediately\nNICE SPICE RICE\n\nSERVES 3\u20134\n\nThis quick and easy dish is a regular late-night meal in the BOSH! studio. It's healthy, colorful, and also delicious, with a salty, sweet, nutty flavor and an incredible number of healthy veg. Works great as a quick meal or a side, or as a leftover lunch the following day!\n\n4 oz kale\n\n9 sprigs fresh cilantro\n\n2 large garlic cloves\n\n2-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n1 large fresh red chili\n\n5 scallions\n\n1 red bell pepper\n\n1 tbsp coconut oil\n\n1 tbsp toasted sesame oil\n\n5 tsp maple syrup\n\n\u00bc cup light soy sauce\n\n3 oz baby corn\n\n2 oz thin pencil asparagus spears\n\n3 oz sugar snap peas\n\n3 oz broccolini\n\nscant \u00bd cup smooth peanut butter\n\n2 tbsp water\n\n4 cups cooked basmati rice (store-bought or homemade)\n\nsriracha sauce, to serve, optional\n\nfresh lime, to serve, optional\n\nsalt\n\nWok over medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nChop the kale and cilantro and set aside | Peel and finely slice the garlic | Peel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon and finely slice | Rip the stem from the chili, then cut it in half lengthwise and remove the seeds if you prefer a milder flavor | Finely chop the chili and scallions | Cut the bell pepper in half and cut out the stem and seeds, then cut into bite-sized chunks along with the rest of the vegetables | Measure out the oils, syrup, and soy sauce into saucers or small bowls ready to use\n\nAdd the coconut oil to the wok and stir until melted | Add the toasted sesame oil and let it infuse into the coconut oil | Add the garlic and ginger and stir them around for 1\u20132 minutes, until the ginger looks like it's begun to froth\n\nAdd the chopped chili and scallions and stir until the onions have softened | Pour in the maple syrup and soy sauce and stir | Add the corn, asparagus, and bell pepper and stir for roughly 1 minute | Throw in the sugar snap peas and broccolini and stir for another minute | Add the peanut butter and water to the pan and stir until all the vegetables are well covered | Finally, add the kale and stir until it is slightly wilted | Taste and season with salt if necessary | Turn the heat down to low\n\nAdd the rice to the wok and fold it into the vegetables for 2 minutes | Sprinkle with the cilantro and stir briefly to combine | Serve immediately with wedges of fresh lime and sriracha sauce on the side, if using\nEASY PEASY PASTA\n\nSERVES 4\n\nThe clue is in the name with this one. It's an effortlessly simple pasta sauce that can be made with minimal effort, since it's mainly just roasted vegetables. It's a regular supper at BOSH! HQ. It's fresh, filling, and gives you loads of your daily vegetables in one lavish meal. Try serving it up with a side salad and some crusty bread.\n\n2 red onions\n\n4 garlic cloves\n\n2 red bell peppers\n\n3\u00bd oz sun-dried tomatoes\n\n1\u00bd oz baby spinach\n\n4 tbsp capers\n\n2 small zucchini\n\n3\u00bd oz pitted Kalamata olives\n\n1 lb cherry tomatoes\n\n\u00bd cup oil (ideally from the sun-dried tomato jar!)\n\n1\u2153 cups tomato puree\n\n11 oz fusilli\n\ngenerous 1 cup basil leaves\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | 9 x 13-inch baking dish | Large saucepan\n\n* * *\n\nPeel and finely slice the onions and garlic | Cut the bell peppers in half, cut out the stems and seeds, and slice into thin strips | Slice the sun-dried tomatoes | Finely chop the spinach leaves and capers and chop the zucchini into bite-sized chunks | Halve the olives and tomatoes | Put all the vegetables into the baking dish and season all over with salt and pepper | Pour in the oil and tomato puree and stir to ensure all the vegetables are covered | Cover the dish with foil and put it in the oven to roast for 30 minutes\n\nTake the dish out of the oven, remove the foil, stir everything, and put the dish back in the oven for 15 minutes longer\n\nMeanwhile, bring a large pan of water to a boil over high heat | Add the pasta and a big pinch of salt and cook until al dente, according to the package directions | Drain the cooked pasta in a colander and tip it back into the pan\n\nTake the baking dish out of the oven, stir in the basil leaves, and pour your freshly roasted veggie sauce over the pasta | Stir so that it's well mixed, serve and enjoy!\nPAD THAI\n\nSERVES 4\n\nIn Thailand, pad Thai was a regular lunch for us (and the perfect remedy for a Thai-bucket-induced hangover). It varies everywhere you go, but typically includes the artful placement of fresh lime, peanuts, and scallions around the bowl. We like to replicate this and serve it with chili flakes, Thai sweet chili sauce, and sriracha.\n\n5 oz extra-firm tofu\n\n1 tbsp cornstarch\n\n\u00bc cup vegetable oil\n\n7 oz flat dried rice noodles\n\n\u00bd onion\n\n2 garlic cloves\n\n1 fresh red chili\n\n1 carrot\n\nsplash of water\n\n3\u00bd oz bean sprouts\n\n3 limes\n\n\u00bc cup soy sauce\n\n2 scallions\n\n\u00bd cup unsalted peanuts\n\n1 tbsp chili flakes, to serve\n\nThai sweet chili sauce, to serve, optional\n\nsriracha sauce, to serve, optional\n\nFOR THE DRESSING\n\n1 tbsp palm sugar (or any sugar)\n\n2 tbsp tamarind paste\n\n1 tbsp sweet chili sauce\n\nTofu press or 2 clean kitchen towels and a weight such as a heavy book | Wok\n\n* * *\n\nPress the tofu using a tofu press or place it between two clean kitchen towels, lay it on a plate, and put a weight on top | Leave for at least 30 minutes to drain any liquid and firm up before you start cooking\n\nIn a bowl, mix together all the ingredients for the dressing\n\nTake half the tofu and cut it into \u2153-inch cubes (save the other half for another time) | Sift over the cornstarch and turn the tofu to coat all over\n\nPut the wok over high heat and pour in 2 tablespoons of oil | Add the tofu and immediately reduce the heat to medium | Stir gently, without breaking up the tofu, until lightly browned | Transfer to a plate\n\nBring water to a boil | Put the noodles in a bowl, cover them with the hot water, and leave for about 3 minutes, until they're flexible but not cooked (check the package directions to make sure you don't fully cook them) | Drain and run under cold water | Set aside\n\nPeel and chop the onion and garlic | Rip the stem from the chili and chop, removing the seeds if you prefer a milder flavor | Trim the carrot and cut into matchsticks\n\nPut the wok back over high heat and add the remaining 2 tablespoons of oil | Add the onion, garlic, and chili and cook, stirring regularly, for 1\u20132 minutes | Add the carrot and cook for another 1\u20132 minutes | Add the noodles, dressing, and a splash of water | Fry for a few minutes until the vegetables are tender\n\nReturn the tofu to the wok with the bean sprouts | Cut 1 lime in half and squeeze in the juice, catching any seeds in your other hand | Add the soy sauce | Stir-fry until the vegetables are slightly soft but still crunchy | Remove from the heat | Taste and add soy or chili sauce if needed\n\nSlice the green part of the scallions into long, thin strips | Break up the peanuts | Cut the remaining limes into wedges\n\nDivide the pad Thai among bowls with piles of sliced scallion, peanuts, lime wedges, and chili flakes | Serve with sweet chili sauce or sriracha on the side, if using\nPORTOBELLO MUSHROOM BURGERS\n\nSERVES 4\n\nThe herbs are absolutely delicious in this dish and perfectly complement the earthy, rustic flavor of the portobello mushrooms. You could make these with pita bread if you want a healthier option, then fill the bread with as many veggies as you see fit.\n\n8 portobello mushrooms\n\n4 garlic cloves\n\n6 sprigs fresh thyme\n\n3 sprigs fresh rosemary\n\n4 tsp olive oil\n\n4 tsp balsamic glaze\n\n4 good-quality burger buns\n\n1 beefsteak tomato\n\n1 little gem lettuce\n\n\u00bd small red onion\n\n\u00bc cup ketchup\n\n\u00bc cup vegan mayonnaise\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nPreheat oven to 390\u00b0F or preheat a grill | Cut 8 squares of foil big enough to wrap your mushrooms | Baking sheet\n\n* * *\n\nLay the mushrooms out on a clean surface with the stems pointing up | Peel and mince the garlic and spread it evenly over the mushrooms | Remove the leaves from the herbs by running your thumb and forefinger from the top to the base of the stems (the leaves should easily come away), then finely chop and sprinkle evenly over the mushrooms\n\nDrizzle each mushroom with olive oil and balsamic glaze and lightly season with salt and pepper | Wrap each mushroom in a square of foil and place them on the baking sheet or on the hot grill | Put the baking sheet in the oven, if using, and cook for 20 minutes\n\nMeanwhile, split the burger buns open | Slice the tomato, separate the lettuce leaves, and peel and thinly slice the onion | Drizzle some ketchup over the bottom of each bun and vegan mayo over the tops\n\nTake the mushrooms out of the oven or off the grill | Carefully remove the foil (watch out for steam) and place 2 mushrooms on each bun bottom | Add the tomato slices, a couple of lettuce leaves, and a few slices of onion, put the tops on and enjoy\nCRISPY CHILI TOFU\n\nSERVES 2\u20134\n\nThis is our take on one of our favorite Chinese take-out dishes. It's spicy, full of umami flavor, sticky, gooey, and incredibly moreish. Often when you buy this kind of dish it's filled with MSG, but ours is much healthier, with a base of orange juice and Thai sweet chili sauce adding the main sweet tang. Serve with Perfectly Boiled Rice or Special Fried Rice.\n\n1 block (10 oz) firm tofu\n\n1\u00bc cups cornstarch\n\nvegetable oil, for frying\n\n2 lemons\n\n1 cup orange juice\n\n6 tbsp Thai sweet chili sauce\n\n1 tbsp sriracha or other chili-garlic sauce\n\n3 tbsp soy sauce\n\n1 scallion, to serve\n\n1 tsp sesame seeds, to serve\n\nTofu press or 2 clean kitchen towels and a weight such as a heavy book | Large, deep frying pan over high heat | Large plate covered with paper towels\n\n* * *\n\nFirst, press the tofu using a tofu press or place it between two clean kitchen towels, lay it on a plate, and put a weight on top | Leave for at least 30 minutes to drain any liquid and firm up before you start cooking\n\nCarefully slice the pressed tofu into sticks \u2153 inch wide and spread them out on a board | Sift cornstarch over the top, coating the pieces generously | Use tongs or two forks to turn the pieces and sift over more cornstarch until the tofu is covered on all sides | The thicker the better with the cornstarch as this coating gives the cooked tofu its crunchy texture\n\nPour enough oil into the pan to fully coat the bottom and heat until it makes the tip of a wooden spoon sizzle | Carefully place the tofu pieces in the pan, with a bit of space around each one (you may need to cook them in batches) | Cook for 5 minutes, turning the pieces every minute or so until they are starting to turn golden brown | Transfer to the plate lined with paper towels | Tip away the excess oil in the pan and reduce the heat to medium-high\n\nCut the lemons in half and squeeze the juice into the pan, catching any seeds in your other hand (be careful as the pan may spit) | Add the orange juice, sweet chili sauce, sriracha, and soy sauce and bring to a boil | Simmer for 5\u20137 minutes until the liquid has reduced to a syrupy consistency\n\nAdd the tofu strips back to the pan and stir until fully coated | Continue to cook, stirring regularly, for 5 minutes and then remove from the heat | Finely slice the scallion and sprinkle over the tofu along with the sesame seeds before serving\nJACKFRUIT TACOS\n\nSERVES 6\n\nJackfruit is a fantastic and crowd-pleasing ingredient with a fibrous texture and flesh that soaks up flavor brilliantly, but it can be hard to find. Try your local Asian supermarket and be sure to choose green jackfruit in water. These tacos are perfect finger food, combining tasty jackfruit with a Mexican combo of zingy salsa and creamy guacamole.\n\n1 cup guacamole (store-bought or see here)\n\n1 cup salsa (store-bought or see here)\n\n1 can (14 oz) young green jackfruit in water\n\n1 white onion\n\n4 garlic cloves\n\n1 tbsp vegetable oil\n\n1 tbsp maple syrup\n\n7 tbsp vegetable stock\n\n\u00bd tsp Tabasco sauce\n\n4 limes\n\n1\u00bd tsp ground cumin\n\n1\u00bd tsp smoked paprika\n\n\u00bd\u20131 tsp chili powder\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\nhandful fresh cilantro\n\n12 crunchy taco shells\n\nDeep frying pan with a lid over medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nIf you're making your own guacamole and salsa, do this first following the instructions here and here\n\nTip the jackfruit into a sieve or colander to drain off the excess water and pat the pieces down with a clean kitchen towel to dry them off | Cut into \u00bc-inch strips and put to one side\n\nPeel and slice the onion and garlic very thinly | Warm the vegetable oil in the frying pan | Add the onion and garlic to the pan and stir with a wooden spoon until soft and translucent | Add the jackfruit, maple syrup, vegetable stock, and Tabasco sauce | Cut 1 of the limes in half and squeeze in the juice of one half, catching any seeds in your other hand | Stir until the jackfruit is well covered\n\nPut the lid on the pan, turn down the heat, and let it simmer for 7\u201310 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the liquid has been absorbed into the jackfruit | Take the lid off the pan and sprinkle in all the spices and the salt | Stir until the jackfruit pieces are well covered and taking on the color of the spices | Transfer the jackfruit pieces to a serving dish\n\nSlice the remaining limes into wedges and remove the leaves from the cilantro by running your thumb and forefinger from the top to the base of the stems (the leaves should easily come away), saving the stems for another recipe | Serve the taco shells, jackfruit, guacamole, salsa, lime wedges, and cilantro leaves on individual plates and let everyone build their own tacos\nCREAMY MAC & GREENS\n\nSERVES 6\n\nThis is our take on one of the world's most popular tasty treats, a crowd-pleasing classic. A b\u00e9chamel sauce makes it creamy and delicious and then we add a rich, salty flavor with roasted mushrooms. This dish is moreish and indulgent, and healthy(ish), and makes a great main course or side for a BBQ.\n\n1 head of broccoli\n\n1 red onion\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\n8 portobello mushrooms (about 12 oz)\n\n12 oz macaroni\n\n3 cups unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n5 tbsp dairy-free butter or spread\n\n7 tbsp all-purpose flour\n\n2 tsp onion powder\n\n1\u00bd tsp garlic powder\n\n2 tsp prepared English mustard\n\n\u00bc cup nutritional yeast\n\n1\u00bd oz dairy-free cheese, grated\n\n1\u00bc tsp salt, plus a little extra\n\n\u00be tsp black pepper, plus a little extra\n\nscant \u00bd cup panko breadcrumbs\n\nsalad leaves, to serve, optional\n\nFOR THE MARINADE\n\n5 tbsp soy sauce\n\n1 tbsp plus 1 tsp maple syrup\n\n1 tbsp plus 1 tsp apple cider vinegar\n\n1 tbsp plus 1 tsp olive oil\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Line 2 baking sheets | Large saucepan of salted water over high heat | Medium saucepan over medium heat | 9 x 13-inch baking dish\n\n* * *\n\nCut the broccoli into roughly 1-inch florets and cubes (trim the stems and use the soft parts) | Peel and roughly chop the onion into \u2153-inch chunks | Lay both the onion and broccoli on one of the lined baking sheets, drizzle with the 2 tablespoons of olive oil, and lightly season with salt and pepper | Put the sheet on the top shelf of the preheated oven\n\nCut the mushrooms into \u2153-inch chunks | Put the ingredients for the marinade into a bowl and combine with a fork | Add the mushroom pieces to the marinade and stir to coat | Spread the mushrooms over the second lined baking sheet and put this in the oven on the shelf below the broccoli and onions | Set the timer for 15 minutes, by which time all the veggies should be golden brown | Remove both baking sheets and increase the oven temperature to 425\u00b0F\n\nWhile the vegetables are roasting, add the macaroni to the pan of boiling salted water and cook until al dente, according to the package directions | Drain and tip into the baking dish\n\nMeanwhile, warm the plant-based milk in the microwave | Put the dairy-free butter in the medium saucepan and stir with a wooden spoon until it melts | Turn the heat right down and gradually add the flour to the pan, stirring vigorously until you have a doughy paste | Gradually pour in the warm plant-based milk, stirring all the time until you have a thick, creamy sauce | Add the onion powder, garlic powder, mustard powder, nutritional yeast, dairy-free cheese, 1\u00bc teaspoons salt, and \u00be teaspoon pepper and stir into the sauce | Keep stirring until the sauce thickens to the consistency of custard\n\nAdd the cooked vegetables and sauce to the pasta and mix together so that everything is well covered | Sprinkle the breadcrumbs over the top, season with salt and pepper, and put the dish in the oven for 5 minutes to warm through and crisp up the breadcrumbs | Remove from the oven and serve with a small side salad, if you like\nSTIR-FRY NOODLES\n\nStir-fries are great go-to dishes for any night of the week. Once you've mastered a few different recipes you can knock out a tasty, healthy, satisfying meal in minutes, using whatever you've got left in the fridge. Become a stir-fry ninja and a world of culinary deliciousness awaits you.\n\n**1. Drop 2 tablespoons oil into a hot wok**\n\nCanola oil\n\nCoconut oil\n\nOlive oil\n\nToasted sesame oil\n\nVegetable oil\n\n**2. Trim and finely chop your aromatics and add them to the pan**\n\nGarlic\n\nGinger\n\nRed chili\n\nShallots\n\nScallions\n\n**3. Trim and finely slice the vegetables and add them to the pan (\u00be lb total veggies will serve 4 people)**\n\nAsparagus\n\nBaby corn\n\nBean sprouts\n\nBell peppers\n\nBok choy\n\nBroccoli\n\nCelery\n\nMushrooms\n\nOnion\n\nSnow peas\n\nSpinach\n\nSugar snap peas\n\nZucchini\n\n**4. Prepare your noodles following the package directions (they might need cooking before they go into the wok) and fold them into the vegetables (12 oz noodles will serve 4 people)**\n\nGlass noodles\n\nRice noodles\n\nRice vermicelli\n\nSoba noodles\n\nUdon noodles\n\nWhole wheat noodles\n\n**5. Drizzle your sauce over the vegetables and stir everything together**\n\nBasic Stir-fry\n\nOrange & Ginger\n\nBlack Pepper\n\nSweet & Sour\n\nHoisin\n\nSoy\n\nTeriyaki\n\n**6. Season your stir-fry and transfer to plates**\n\nLemon\n\nLime\n\nSalt\n\n**7. Finish off your stir-fry with the garnish of your choice**\n\nCashews\n\nCilantro leaves\n\nHot sauce\n\nPeanuts\n\nScallions, chopped\n\nSesame seeds\nSAUCE RECIPES\n\nIt's crucial to get an awesome sauce, but it doesn't need to be complicated; whatever you have in your kitchen will serve just fine, or you can knock together one of our sauces below for an extra kick of deliciousness!\nBASIC STIR-FRY\n\nSERVES 4\n\n3 garlic cloves\n\n1 tbsp brown sugar\n\n2 tsp cornstarch\n\n7 tbsp vegetable stock\n\n3 tbsp soy sauce\n\n1 tbsp rice vinegar\n\nPeel and finely chop the garlic | Put all the ingredients for your sauce into a measuring cup and mix together with a fork\nSWEET & SOUR\n\nSERVES 4\n\n1 tbsp brown sugar\n\n2 tsp cornstarch\n\n\u00bd cup vegetable stock\n\n2 tbsp ketchup\n\n1 tbsp soy sauce\n\n1 tbsp rice vinegar\n\nPut all the ingredients for your sauce into a measuring cup and mix together with a fork\nORANGE & GINGER\n\nSERVES 4\n\n1\u00bc-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n2 tsp cornstarch\n\n3 tbsp soy sauce\n\n1 tbsp rice wine vinegar\n\njuice of 1 large orange\n\nPeel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon and finely chop | Put all the ingredients for your sauce into a measuring cup and mix together with a fork\nBLACK PEPPER\n\nSERVES 4\n\n7 tbsp vegetable stock\n\n1 tbsp cornstarch\n\n2 tbsp water\n\n1 tsp brown sugar\n\n1 tsp black pepper\n\n3 tbsp soy sauce\n\n2 tsp rice vinegar\n\nPut all the ingredients for your sauce into a measuring cup and mix together with a fork\n\n**Big Eats**\n\nCook a proper meal\n\nSpend that extra time on food\n\nTo please and delight\nMUSHROOM & GUINNESS PIE\n\nSERVES 4\u20136\n\nOh my goodness, this take on a pub classic is so so good. It's a hug in a dish! The mushroom is rich and meaty and the Guinness adds a dark umami flavor. It's one for those winter nights after a long day in the cold (or at work!). Serve with Minted Mushy Peas.\n\n1\u00bd lb cremini mushrooms\n\n3 tbsp olive oil\n\n4 onions\n\n6 garlic cloves\n\n3 sprigs fresh rosemary, plus extra to decorate\n\n3 sprigs fresh thyme\n\n1 tbsp light brown sugar\n\n1\u00bc cups Guinness or other stout or brown ale\n\n2\u00bd tbsp all-purpose flour, plus extra for dusting\n\n1\u20132 tbsp Dijon mustard\n\n5 tsp dark soy sauce\n\n1 lb ready-made dairy-free puff pastry\n\n2 tbsp dairy-free margarine\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Line a rimmed baking sheet | Large frying pan over medium heat | 8 to 8\u00bd-inch deep-dish pie plate | Rolling pin (or use a clean, dry wine bottle) | Pastry brush\n\n* * *\n\nQuarter the mushrooms and spread them over the lined baking sheet | Drizzle with 1 tablespoon of the oil, season lightly, and roast in the preheated oven for 15 minutes | When they're ready, remove and set aside, reserving any juices\n\nMeanwhile, add the remaining 2 tablespoons of oil to the frying pan | Peel and slice the onions | Peel and finely chop the garlic | Add to the pan and cook for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally, until softened | Reduce the temperature to medium-low\n\nRemove the leaves from the rosemary and thyme by running your thumb and forefinger from the top to the base of the stems (the leaves should easily come away) and finely chop, discarding the stems | Add to the pan along with the sugar and cook for 10 more minutes, until the onions are golden\n\nPour the ale into the pan, bring to a simmer, and cook for 10 more minutes so the liquid reduces | Reduce the heat to low and add the mushrooms and any juices in the baking sheet | Add the flour, mustard, and soy sauce and simmer gently for 15\u201320 minutes, stirring regularly | Taste and adjust the seasoning, adding more salt, pepper, mustard, or soy sauce if you like | Leave to cool slightly, then spoon the mushroom mixture into the pie plate\n\nLightly dust a work surface with flour and roll out the pastry until it is large enough to cover the top of the pie plate | Brush the rim of the dish with water and lay the pastry over the top | Cut off the excess pastry and crimp the edges of the pastry either by pinching it between your finger and thumb all the way round, or by pressing it against the dish with the back of a fork\n\nMelt the dairy-free margarine in the microwave and brush it all over the pastry | Use a small sharp knife to cut a little cross in the center of the pastry so that steam can escape | Top with a few rosemary sprigs to make it look fancy | Bake in the preheated oven for 30\u201335 minutes, until the pastry is golden brown, remove, and serve hot\nSWEET & SOUR CRISPY TOFU\n\nSERVES 2\u20134\n\nSweet and sour needs no introduction! This dish is an indulgent worldwide classic made with smooth, soft tofu. It's made even more delicious by the addition of pineapple, and the way the crispy fried tofu contrasts with the sweet syrupy sauce. Mix this with any other Asian dish and boiled rice and you have a winner on your hands.\n\nblock (10 oz) firm tofu\n\n2\u00bd-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n1 red onion\n\n1 garlic clove\n\n1 green bell pepper\n\ngenerous \u00be cup pineapple juice\n\n\u00bc cup rice vinegar\n\n\u00bc cup ketchup\n\n6 tbsp light brown sugar\n\n1 tsp garlic powder\n\n1 tsp onion powder, optional\n\n\u00bc cup cornstarch\n\n2 tbsp vegetable oil\n\n2 tbsp toasted sesame oil\n\n\u00bd tsp chili flakes\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n\u2154 cup canned pineapple chunks\n\nSmall saucepan over medium-low heat | Tofu press or 2 clean kitchen towels and a weight such as a heavy book | 2 large frying pans over medium-high heat | Fine grater\n\n* * *\n\nPress the tofu using a tofu press, or place it between two clean kitchen towels, lay it on a plate, and put a weight on top | Leave for at least 30 minutes to drain any liquid and firm up before you start cooking\n\nPeel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon and then grate it | Peel and finely slice the red onion and the garlic | Cut the bell pepper in half and cut out the stem and seeds | Chop the pepper into \u00be-inch chunks\n\nPut the pineapple juice, rice vinegar, ketchup, and brown sugar in the small saucepan and stir to dissolve the sugar | Increase the heat to medium-high and let it bubble away for about 7 minutes until you have a syrupy sauce | Take the saucepan off the heat and set aside\n\nPut the garlic powder and the onion powder, if using, into a large bowl with the cornstarch and mix together | Carefully cut the drained tofu into \u2153-inch chunks and add them to the bowl | Toss them gently in the cornstarch mixture until they're well covered\n\nHeat the vegetable oil in one of the large frying pans | Add the tofu chunks and fry until they have started to brown and formed a crispy coating, about 7\u201310 minutes (be delicate as you stir the cubes, you want to keep them intact) | Take the pan off the heat and set aside\n\nMeanwhile, heat the sesame oil in the second frying pan | Add the onion slices and stir until translucent, about 5 minutes | Add the bell pepper, chili flakes, salt, garlic, and ginger and continue to cook for another 3\u20135 minutes, stirring all the time | Drain the pineapple and add to the pan, continuing to stir until the pineapple is warm | Tip the tofu into the pan and heat | Pour in the sweet and sour sauce and fold it around the vegetables so that everything is well covered and warmed through, another 1\u20132 minutes\nIRRESISTIBLE RISOTTO\n\nSERVES 4\n\nThis risotto is bursting with color, flavor, and healthy goodness. We're big fans of getting as much green into our bodies as possible to give us the vital nutrients we need. This dish is testament to that, but it's also delicious. Cook slowly, add the stock bit by bit, and you'll have a dish guaranteed to please!\n\n2 oz macadamia nuts\n\n1 medium red onion\n\n2 large garlic cloves\n\n3 tbsp mixed fresh herbs, such as sage, parsley, and mint\n\n2\u00bd oz green beans\n\n2 oz asparagus\n\n2 oz kale\n\n\u00bd lemon\n\n3\u00be cups vegetable stock\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 cup + 2 tbsp risotto rice, such as Arborio or Carnaroli\n\n\u00bd cup dry white wine\n\ngenerous \u00bd cup green peas\n\n3 tbsp nutritional yeast\n\n1\u00bd tbsp dairy-free butter or spread\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nPreheat oven to 325\u00b0F | Small baking sheet | Medium saucepan over low heat | Medium saucepan over medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nSpread the macadamia nuts over the small baking sheet, put the pan in the oven, and toast for 5\u20138 minutes, until golden | Leave to cool slightly, then roughly chop\n\nMeanwhile, peel and finely chop the red onion and garlic | Chop the herbs | Slice the green beans into \u00be-inch pieces | Snap the tough ends off the asparagus and cut the stalks into \u2153-inch pieces | Remove the tough stems from the kale and roughly chop | Finely grate the zest of the lemon\n\nPour the stock into the medium saucepan over low heat and keep warm\n\nAdd the olive oil to the other pan | Add the chopped onions and cook until they begin to soften, about 10\u201315 minutes | Add the garlic and stir for another minute | Pour in the rice and toast for a minute longer\n\nTurn up the heat slightly and pour in the white wine | Simmer until the liquid has almost completely evaporated, stirring frequently | Add the green beans and asparagus to the pan and give everything a stir\n\nNow start adding a ladleful of stock at a time, stirring continuously and waiting for the stock to be absorbed before adding the next ladleful | After 8 minutes, add the peas and kale to the pan and continue to cook for 6\u20138 minutes longer, until the rice is just cooked and the vegetables are tender (you might have a little stock left over)\n\nRemove the pan from the heat, stir in the chopped herbs, nutritional yeast, lemon zest, macadamia nuts, and dairy-free butter | Season to taste with salt and pepper and serve immediately\nTOM YUM SOUP\n\nSERVES 4\n\nThis was Henry's dish of choice as he traveled around Thailand. The healthy, spicy Thai classic just feels like holiday. As a soup it's surprisingly filling, and it's best eaten when it's so hot and spicy it's hard to continue and you break into sweats! Slurping is good here. Let this gorgeously hot, spicy soup warm you to your core!\n\n\u00bc cup olive oil\n\n1 small onion\n\n4 garlic cloves\n\n2 fresh red chilies\n\n1-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n6 cups vegetable stock\n\n1 tsp tomato paste\n\n2 lemongrass stalks\n\n6 kaffir lime leaves\n\n2 limes\n\n9 oz cremini mushrooms\n\n3\u00bd oz enoki mushrooms (2 bunches)\n\n7 oz cherry tomatoes\n\n1 can (8 oz) water chestnuts, optional\n\n4 scallions, to serve\n\nsmall handful fresh chives, to serve\n\nsmall handful fresh cilantro, to serve\n\nFOR THE TOM YUM PASTE\n\n2 tbsp vegetable oil\n\n\u00bc cup Thai Red Curry Paste (see here)\n\n3 tbsp palm sugar\n\n1 tsp salt\n\nWok over medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nFirst make the tom yum paste | Add the vegetable oil to the wok | When it's hot add the red curry paste, palm sugar, and salt and fry for 3 minutes, until the paste goes a darker red color | Remove from the heat and scrape into a bowl | Give the wok a quick rinse and put back on the heat\n\nAdd the olive oil to the clean wok | Peel and roughly chop the onion | Peel the garlic | Rip the stems from the chilies and finely slice one, removing the seeds if you prefer a milder flavor | Peel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon and finely chop | Crush the garlic into the wok, add in the onion, chili, and ginger, and cook for 4 minutes to allow the flavors to infuse\n\nPour 2 cups of the stock into the wok and bring to a boil | Add the tom yum paste and mix well | Add the remaining stock and the tomato paste | Bash the bases of the lemongrass stalks and add them to the pan | Slice the lime leaves and throw them in | Simmer for 20 minutes\n\nCut the limes in half and squeeze in the juice, catching any seeds in your other hand | Halve the cremini mushrooms and add them to the pan with the enoki mushrooms and the tomatoes | Slice the water chestnuts, if using, and add them to the pan | Finely slice the remaining chili into long diagonal slices, removing the seeds if you prefer a milder flavor, and add to the pan | Simmer for 5 minutes longer\n\nDivide the soup among bowls | Trim and slice the scallions and chop the chives | Sprinkle over the soup along with the cilantro leaves and serve\nPASTA CAPONATA\n\nSERVES 4\u20136\n\nThis hearty dish features a rich Sicilian caponata sauce, complete with pine nuts and raisins, which has great depth of flavor, but with an added celery crunch and kick of chili. Feel free to use more or less garlic (we like lots of garlic!) and then serve with bread to soak up all the juices.\n\n2 eggplants (about 1 lb)\n\n10 oz cherry tomatoes\n\n3 tbsp olive oil\n\n1\u00bd tsp chili flakes\n\n1 red onion\n\n3 garlic cloves\n\n1 celery stalk\n\n2 tbsp tomato paste\n\n1 can (14.5 oz) chopped tomatoes\n\n1 tsp dried oregano\n\n2 sprigs fresh thyme\n\n3 tbsp small capers\n\n\u00bc cup raisins\n\n2 oz pitted Kalamata olives\n\n1 lb penne pasta\n\n\u00bd oz dark chocolate\n\n20 sprigs fresh parsley\n\n1 tbsp balsamic vinegar\n\n1\u00bd oz pine nuts\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Line a baking sheet | Large frying pan with lid over medium heat | Large saucepan | Small frying pan\n\n* * *\n\nTrim the eggplants and chop the flesh into \u00be-inch cubes | Lay on the lined baking sheet along with the cherry tomatoes and drizzle over 1 tablespoon of the olive oil | Sprinkle with a good layer of salt, pepper, and the chili flakes, put the pan in the preheated oven, and bake for 30 minutes\n\nMeanwhile, pour the remaining 2 tablespoons of oil into the large frying pan | Peel and finely chop the onion and garlic and add to the pan | Trim the leaves and root from the celery, then finely chop and add to the pan | Cook the onions, garlic, and celery for 10\u201315 minutes, stirring regularly, until they are soft and translucent\n\nAdd the tomato paste to the pan and stir | Add the chopped tomatoes, oregano, thyme, capers, raisins, and olives, plus a little salt and pepper to taste, then reduce the heat to a gentle simmer and let everything cook for 5 minutes | Remove the roasted eggplants and tomatoes from the oven and add them to the pan, giving everything a stir | Put the lid on and simmer for 12\u201315 minutes, stirring every 5 minutes to stop it burning\n\nBring a large saucepan of water to a boil and add a pinch of salt | Add the pasta and cook until al dente, according to the package directions | Drain the pasta and tip the cooked pasta back into the pasta pan\n\nMeanwhile, chop or grate the dark chocolate and sprinkle it into the caponata sauce | Strip the parsley leaves from the stems (save the stems for another recipe), then chop the leaves and add three-quarters to the pan along with the balsamic vinegar | Simmer uncovered for 3\u20135 minutes longer | Taste and season if necessary | Pour the sauce over the pasta and fold it in, making sure everything is well covered\n\nPut the small frying pan over medium-high heat and toast the pine nuts in the dry pan until golden | Sprinkle over the pasta along with the remaining parsley leaves before serving\nBIG BHAJI BURGER\n\nMAKES 6\n\nThis juxtaposition of Indian cuisine with the classic American burger works incredibly well. It's a fantastic fusion of flavors that are really big and satisfying, and you can play with really interesting toppings. These are great with Jane's Mint Raita, or make smaller bhaji bites and serve them with curry.\n\n2\u20134 cups vegetable oil, for deep-frying\n\n2 red onions\n\n2\u00bd-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n1 fresh red chili\n\ngenerous 1 cup fresh cilantro leaves\n\n1\u00bd tsp coriander seeds\n\n1\u00bd tsp cumin seeds\n\n2\u00bd cups chickpea flour\n\n1\u00bd tsp garam masala\n\ngenerous \u00be cup water\n\n4 good-quality burger buns\n\n3 tbsp vegan mayonnaise, to serve\n\n\u00bc small cucumber, to serve\n\n1 large tomato, to serve\n\n1 avocado, to serve\n\n1 little gem lettuce, to serve\n\n2 tbsp mango chutney, to serve\n\n1 pappadum, to serve\n\nsalt\n\nLarge saucepan over high heat | Cooking thermometer, optional | Pestle and mortar | Line a dinner plate with paper towels\n\n* * *\n\nPour the vegetable oil into the large saucepan so that it comes no more than two-thirds up the side of the pan | Heat the oil to 350\u00b0F, or until a wooden spoon dipped into the oil sizzles around the edges\n\nMeanwhile, peel and very finely slice the onions and put them into a big bowl | Peel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon and finely chop | Rip the stem from the chili, cut it in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds if you prefer a milder flavor, then finely chop and add to the pan | Roughly chop the cilantro leaves | Add the ginger, chili, and cilantro to the bowl | Crush the coriander seeds and cumin seeds with a pestle and mortar or the end of a rolling pin and add them to the bowl | Add the chickpea flour, garam masala, water, and a generous pinch of salt and mix until everything is well combined and covered with a wet sticky batter\n\nDivide the mixture into 6 and use your hands to mold it into patties around 3\u00bd inches wide and no more than \u2153 inch thick | Use a metal spoon to carefully lower 2 of the patties into the hot oil and cook them for about 5 minutes, flipping them over halfway | Remove the patties when they are golden and crisp and transfer to the plate lined with paper towels to drain any excess oil | Repeat with the remaining patties\n\nWhile the bhajis are frying, split the burger buns open and spread the bottom halves with vegan mayonnaise | Thinly slice the cucumber and tomato | Halve and carefully pit the avocado by tapping the pit firmly with the heel of a knife so that it lodges in the pit, then twist and remove the pit | Run a spoon around the inside of the avocado skin to scoop out the flesh, then slice finely\n\nTo serve the bhaji burgers, lay a few lettuce leaves on the bottom of the burger buns and place the burgers on top | Spread a little mango chutney on top of each, followed by slices of tomato, avocado, and cucumber | Break up the pappadum and sprinkle it over the top before closing the buns\nCREAMY SEASIDE PIE\n\nSERVES 6\n\nNothing says \"taste of the British seaside\" more than a fish pie, so we've replicated that flavor with a clever combination of mushrooms, capers, and lemon. Topped with crispy but fluffy potato, this hearty, healthy dish is guaranteed to impress your guests and warm your cockles. The different mushroom shapes give a wonderfully varied texture to this dish, just like a fish pie.\n\n1 large white onion\n\n4 garlic cloves\n\n1 lb 5 oz mixed mushrooms (this works best with Japanese mushrooms like shiitake, oyster mushrooms, buna shimeji, shiro shimeji, eryngii or king oysters, enoki, golden enoki, maitake, or a mixture)\n\n3 tbsp olive oil\n\n2 sheets nori\n\n7 tbsp white wine\n\n1 tbsp salt, plus a little extra\n\n3 tbsp unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n1 tbsp whole-grain mustard\n\n2 tbsp nutritional yeast\n\n2 tbsp capers\n\n1 tbsp caper brine\n\n1 lemon\n\n\u00be cup soy cream\n\n1\u00bd cups frozen green peas\n\n1 oz parsley leaves\n\nblack pepper\n\nFOR THE POTATO TOPPING\n\n3 lb russet or other fluffy potatoes\n\n3 tbsp dairy-free butter or spread, plus a little extra\n\n\u00bd cup soy cream\n\n3 tbsp unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n1 tsp whole-grain mustard\n\n1 tbsp nutritional yeast\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Large, deep frying pan over medium heat | Large saucepan with lid | 9 x 13-inch baking dish\n\n* * *\n\nTo make the topping, peel the potatoes and cut into large chunks | Put them in the large saucepan and add enough cold water to cover them | Add a big pinch of salt | Turn the heat to high and bring the water to a boil, then cover the pan partially with a lid and simmer for 15\u201320 minutes, until the potatoes are tender when pierced with a knife | Drain in a colander, then tip the potatoes back into the pan and set aside\n\nMeanwhile, peel and finely chop the onion and the garlic and roughly chop the mushrooms | Warm the oil in the large frying pan | Add the chopped onions to the pan and cook for 10 minutes, until soft (cook them slowly to make sure they don't burn and to draw out the flavor)\n\nUse scissors to cut the nori into \u2153-inch pieces and sprinkle them into the pan | Increase the heat to medium-high and add the chopped garlic and mushrooms | Cook for about 10 minutes, until soft, slightly golden, and significantly reduced in size (the pan will be very full to start) | Pour in the white wine and cook until reduced by half, another 2\u20133 minutes\n\nReduce the heat to medium and add 1 tablespoon of salt, the plant-based milk, mustard, and the nutritional yeast | Add the capers and the tablespoon of brine from the jar | Cut the lemon in half and squeeze in the juice, catching any seeds with your other hand | Stir everything around and continue to cook until the mushrooms have soaked up around half the liquid, about 10 minutes | Pour the soy cream into the pan and stir everything together so that the sauce has a nice creamy texture\n\nAdd the peas to the pan, folding them in so that they're well mixed | Take the pan off the heat | Roughly chop the parsley and stir it into the mixture | Pour the mushroom filling into the baking dish\n\nReturn to the potatoes | Add the dairy-free butter, soy cream, plant-based milk, mustard, and nutritional yeast to the potatoes and mash together until thick and creamy | Taste and season with salt and pepper\n\nSpoon the mashed potato on top of the mushroom filling and carefully smooth it out to the edges of the dish | Use a fork to scrape lines across the top | Flake over bits of dairy-free butter, if you like, to help the potato crisp up | Put in the oven and bake for 20 minutes, then put under the broiler for 2\u20133 minutes so it has a crispy crust with golden brown peaks\nCREAMY KORMA\n\nSERVES 4\u20136\n\nKorma is often thought of as an accessible beginner's curry. But, let's be honest, that's because it's downright delicious. We love a creamy korma. It's a dish that's close to our hearts. This one is healthy, tasty, and full of hearty flavor. Trust us, you're going to love it. Feel free to use any combination of roast vegetables you like. Serve with rice (see here) or Naan (see here).\n\n1 large sweet potato (about 14 oz)\n\n\u00bd butternut squash (about 1 lb)\n\n2 carrots (about 5 oz)\n\n3 tbsp vegetable oil\n\n2 large white onions\n\n7 green cardamom pods\n\n1\u00bd tsp poppy seeds\n\n2 whole cloves\n\n1 bay leaf\n\n1\u00be oz cashews\n\n2\u00bd oz blanched almonds\n\n\u00be-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n2 fresh green chilies\n\n3 garlic cloves\n\n\u00bd tsp ground nutmeg\n\n\u00bd tsp ground turmeric\n\n1 can (14 oz) coconut milk\n\n2 limes\n\ncooked rice, to serve, optional\n\nsmall bunch of fresh cilantro, to serve\n\n2 scallions, to serve\n\nsalt\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Line a baking sheet | Blender | Large frying pan\n\n* * *\n\nPeel the sweet potato, squash and carrots | Cut into \u00be-inch chunks and arrange on the lined baking sheet | Drizzle with 1 tablespoon of the oil and season lightly with salt | Put the pan in the oven and roast for 30 minutes, turning the pan in the oven after 20 minutes if necessary | Remove when softened and a little brown | Peel and finely slice the onions\n\nBash the cardamom pods with the end of a knife and tear them open | Tip the seeds into the large frying pan | Add the poppy seeds and cloves and set over medium-high heat | Toast for 2 minutes\n\nReduce the heat to medium-low | Add the remaining 2 tablespoons of oil | Add the onions, bay leaf, cashews, and three-quarters of the blanched almonds | Stir and cook for 12 minutes, until the onions are soft and the nuts slightly golden, stirring regularly\n\nPeel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon, then roughly chop | Rip the stems from the chilies, cut them in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds if you prefer a milder sauce, then finely chop | Peel and crush the garlic into the pan | Add the ginger, chili, ground nutmeg, and turmeric to the pan | Cook for another 2 minutes\n\nTake off the heat and cool for 5 minutes | Remove the bay leaf | Transfer to the blender with half the coconut milk and whizz to a smooth paste, about 60 seconds | Pour back into the pan and set over medium heat\n\nAdd the roasted vegetables to the pan | Pour in the rest of the coconut milk and stir gently until well mixed | Reduce the heat and simmer for about 5 minutes | Add a splash of water if the sauce is too thick\n\nCut the limes in half and squeeze the juice over the curry, catching any seeds in your other hand | Season to taste with salt\n\nDivide among 4\u20136 plates and serve with rice, if using | Chop the stems from the cilantro and save for another recipe, then chop the leaves and the rest of the blanched almonds and slice the scallions | Scatter a little over each portion\nPASTABALL MARINARA\n\nSERVES 4\n\nThis inside-out pasta dish is insanely delicious! We were coming up with revolutionary burger recipes and, like Einstein creating relativity, realized we could make meatballs out of pasta. The tomato sauce is one of the lushest, thickest pasta sauces we have ever created\u2014it's truly scrumptious. If you prefer less sugar, substitute vegan pesto for the BBQ sauce.\n\n9 oz whole-wheat pasta shapes, such as penne\n\n1 can (15 oz) black beans\n\n1\u00be oz sun-dried tomatoes in oil\n\n1 tbsp chili powder\n\n3 tbsp BBQ sauce\n\nolive oil\n\n1 large onion\n\n2 garlic cloves\n\na few small fresh basil leaves, to serve\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nFOR THE MARINARA SAUCE\n\n1 large onion\n\n3 garlic cloves\n\nolive oil\n\n1 cup red wine\n\n1\u00bd tbsp dried oregano\n\n1 bay leaf\n\n5 tbsp tomato paste\n\n5 tbsp water\n\n2 lb tomatoes\n\n\u00bd cup fresh basil leaves\n\n\u00bd tsp sugar\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Line a baking sheet | Large deep frying pan with a lid over medium heat | Boiling water | Large saucepan | Food processor | Frying pan\n\n* * *\n\nTo make the sauce, peel and finely chop the onion and garlic | Add some oil to the large frying pan and cook the onions for 7 minutes, stirring occasionally, until softened | Add the garlic and cook for another minute, until the smell of the garlic fills the room | Add the red wine and stir, then cook for 5 minutes until the wine is bubbling and starting to thicken | Add the oregano and bay leaf and stir | Add the tomato paste and water and stir again\n\nFinely chop the tomatoes and scrape them into the pan with all the juices | Tear the basil leaves into the pan and stir everything together | Add the sugar and some salt and pepper to taste | Put the lid on the pan, reduce the heat to medium-low, and leave to simmer for 15\u201325 minutes, stirring occasionally (the longer you leave it, the richer the sauce) | Uncover and simmer for 10 minutes | When it's ready the sauce should be rich, luscious, and thick | Taste and adjust the seasoning if necessary\n\nWhile the sauce is simmering, in the large saucepan, bring water to a boil and add a pinch of salt | Add the pasta and cook until al dente, according to the package directions | Drain and rinse the pasta under cold water for 30 seconds to cool it to room temperature\n\nTip the cold, cooked pasta into the food processor | Drain the black beans and the sun-dried tomatoes and add them to the food processor along with the chili powder and BBQ sauce | Blend to a thick paste, then pour the mixture into a large bowl\n\nPlace another frying pan over medium heat and add a little oil | Peel and finely chop the onion and 2 garlic cloves | Add the onion to the hot pan and cook for around 15 minutes, until soft | Add the garlic and stir it around until you've released the aroma (a minute or so) | Tip the onions and garlic into the bowl with the pasta and mix everything together | Add a little salt and pepper to taste\n\nWet your hands to stop the mixture sticking | Pull small pieces of the mixture out of the bowl and shape them into 1\u00bc-inch balls | Arrange the balls on the lined baking sheet\n\nAdd a little olive oil to the pan you used to cook the onions and set over medium-high heat | When the pan is nice and hot, add the balls in batches, turning them over regularly until they brown all over, about 3\u20135 minutes | Transfer the browned pastaballs to the lined baking sheet and, once all the batches are done, transfer to the oven | Bake for 10 minutes\n\nTo serve, put a couple of large spoonfuls of the sauce into serving bowls and top each with 4 pastaballs | Garnish with a few torn-up basil leaves and a drizzle of olive oil | Serve immediately\nROGAN BOSH!\n\nSERVES 2\u20134\n\nThis is our take on a Kashmiri specialty curry. It's meant to be red, rustic, and spicy. We've used our favorite vegetable\u2014eggplant\u2014and coconut yogurt to give the creamy texture, but you could use different veggies if you prefer. Serve with Naan, Perfectly Boiled Rice, or on its own for a lighter dish.\n\n4 garlic cloves\n\n1\u00bd-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n3 fresh red chilies\n\n1 tbsp tomato paste\n\n\u00bc cup water\n\n1 large eggplant\n\n3 tbsp vegetable oil\n\n4 green cardamom pods\n\n1 onion\n\n6 black peppercorns\n\n1 bay leaf\n\n\u00bc-inch cinnamon stick\n\n1 tsp sugar\n\n1 tsp ground cumin\n\n2 tsp ground coriander\n\n7 tbsp coconut yogurt\n\nlarge pinch of garam masala\n\nhandful fresh cilantro, to serve\n\nhandful coconut flakes, to serve\n\nsalt\n\nBlender | Large frying pan over medium-high heat | Large saucepan with a lid\n\n* * *\n\nPeel the garlic and ginger and put them into the blender | Rip the stems from 2 of the chilies, removing the seeds if you prefer a milder sauce, and add them to the blender | Add the tomato paste and \u00bc cup water and blend to a smooth paste (add more water if needed)\n\nTrim the eggplant and cut it into \u2153 x \u00bc-inch chunks | Add 2 tablespoons of the oil to the large frying pan | Add the eggplant and cook for about 10\u201315 minutes, turning regularly, until well browned on each side\n\nWhile the eggplant is cooking, put the cardamom pods in a mortar and pestle and bash them to release the seeds (or use the end of a rolling pin) | Discard the shells | Peel and finely chop the onion\n\nWhen the eggplant is browned, tip it onto a plate and set aside | Add the remaining oil to the pan along with the cardamom, peppercorns, bay leaf, and cinnamon and fry for 2 minutes | Add the chopped onion and sugar | Reduce the heat to medium and saut\u00e9 for about 10\u201315 minutes, stirring the onions until they've softened (add a splash more oil to the pan if the onions begin to stick)\n\nAdd the ginger paste from the blender to the saucepan | Add the ground cumin and coriander and mix everything together well | Set the pan over medium-high heat and fry for 5 minutes, stirring regularly | Add the eggplant cubes and stir well | Add the coconut yogurt and stir it in (if it's too thick, add a little water to loosen\u2014you want a thick, gravy-like consistency) | Cover with the lid and cook for 5 minutes\n\nRip the stem from the remaining chili, cut it in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds if you prefer a milder flavor, then slice finely | Taste the curry and season with salt or garam masala as necessary | Serve up onto bowls or plates, sprinkled with a little fresh cilantro, coconut flakes, and the finely sliced chili\nSWEET PEPPER FAJITAS\n\nMAKES 6 LARGE FAJITAS\n\nWe challenged ourselves to create the ultimate healthy fajita and we think this combination of peppers, beans, guacamole, and salsa hits the spot. It's a delicious Spanish-inspired fried pepper recipe that works really well as part of a hybrid fajita platter that would please a crowd. It's great as a lunch, dinner, or even in a packed lunch!\n\nolive oil, for frying\n\n1 onion\n\n2 garlic cloves\n\n6 mixed red, yellow, and green bell peppers\n\n\u00bd tbsp dark brown sugar\n\n1 tsp hot chili powder\n\n1 tsp ground cumin\n\n1 tsp paprika\n\n\u00bc tsp cayenne pepper\n\n\u00bc tsp garlic powder\n\na pinch of black pepper\n\n1 can (15 oz) kidney beans\n\n2 cups fresh cilantro leaves\n\n1 can (15 oz) refried beans, optional\n\n1 x portion Perfectly Boiled Rice (see here)\n\n2 cups guacamole (store-bought or see here)\n\n1 cup fresh salsa (store-bought or see here)\n\n6 10-inch flour tortillas\n\n3 limes\n\n2 oz tortilla chips\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nPreheat the oven to 300\u00b0F | Large frying pan over medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nAdd a little oil to the frying pan | Peel and finely slice the onion and garlic and add them to the pan | Cut the bell peppers in half, cut out the stems and seeds, slice the flesh into \u00bc-inch-wide strips, and add them to the pan | Sprinkle with the brown sugar and a pinch of salt\n\nPut the chili powder into a small bowl with the cumin, paprika, cayenne pepper, garlic powder, and a pinch each of salt and pepper | Stir to mix and then tip over the peppers in the pan | Reduce the heat a little, then cook for 30 minutes until soft, stirring regularly so that the peppers don't stick to the pan\n\nMeanwhile, drain the kidney beans and tip them into a serving bowl | Chop a third of the cilantro leaves and add them to the kidney beans | Spoon the refried beans, if using, into another bowl | Tip the cooked rice into another bowl | Spoon the guacamole and salsa into separate serving bowls\n\nPut the tortillas on an ovenproof plate or baking sheet, cover with foil, and put in the oven to warm\n\nThe peppers are ready when they look well fried (but not blackened), are soft, and taste sweet and delicious | Transfer them to a serving bowl | Take the tortillas out of the oven and transfer them to a serving plate\n\nCut the limes into quarters | Roughly chop the remaining cilantro leaves | Fill a bowl with the tortilla chips\n\nTake all the separate bowls to the table | Fill the fajitas with delicious dollops of everything and roll them up to enjoy!\nTHAI RED CURRY\n\nSERVES 4\n\nThai Red Curry may possibly be the best thing humans ever invented, at least since tools, the wheel, and (maybe) sliced bread. It's a feel-good meal with a hell of a kick. It's always best when you make your own paste; it doesn't take long and you can keep half for Tom Yum Soup or freeze it for later.\n\n1 red bell pepper\n\n1 green bell pepper\n\n1 fresh red chili\n\n7 oz mushrooms\n\n2 oz baby corn\n\n2 tbsp vegetable oil\n\n1 can (14 oz) coconut milk\n\n\u2154 cup vegetable stock\n\n1 tbsp palm sugar (or regular sugar)\n\n2 tbsp agave syrup\n\n\u00bc cup soy sauce\n\n6 oz baby plum tomatoes\n\n2 oz snow peas\n\nhalf a 15-oz can lychees, optional\n\nFOR THE THAI RED CURRY PASTE (MAKES ABOUT \u00be CUP)\n\n1 tsp cumin seeds\n\n2 tbsp coriander seeds\n\n\u00be-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n5 shallots\n\n5 garlic cloves\n\n2 lemongrass stalks\n\n3 fresh red chilies\n\n1 red bird's eye chili, optional\n\n1 tsp black peppercorns\n\n\u00bd roasted red pepper from a jar\n\n2 tbsp tomato paste\n\n3 kaffir lime leaves\n\n\u00bd lime\n\n5 sprigs fresh cilantro, plus extra for garnish\n\n2 tsp salt\n\n3 tbsp water\n\nBlender | Large deep frying pan or wok over high heat\n\n* * *\n\nTo make the Thai red curry paste, scatter the cumin and coriander seeds over the pan and toast for 2 minutes | Peel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon and roughly chop | Peel and roughly chop the shallots | Peel the garlic | Trim and roughly chop the lemongrass | Rip the stems from the chilies, removing the seeds if you prefer a milder sauce\n\nPut the toasted seeds into the blender along with the ginger, shallots, garlic, and lemongrass | Add the fresh red chilies, bird's eye chili, if using, peppercorns, roasted red pepper, tomato paste, and the lime leaves | Squeeze in the lime juice, catching any seeds in your other hand | Add the sprigs fresh cilantro, salt, and a splash of water, then whizz until really smooth with no bits, adding up to 3 tbsp of water to loosen it if necessary | Spoon \u00bc cup of the paste into a bowl and set the rest aside to use another time (freeze it in batches of \u00bc cup)\n\nCut the red and green bell peppers in half and cut out the stems and seeds, then cut into \u00be-inch chunks | Rip the stems from 2 of the chilies, removing the seeds if you prefer a milder flavor, and cut into slices | Slice the mushrooms and halve the baby corn\n\nPut the pan back over high heat and add the oil | When it's hot, add \u00bc cup curry paste and fry for 2 minutes, until the paste deepens in color and smells amazing | Pour in the coconut milk and vegetable stock and stir well to mix everything together | Add the sugar, agave syrup, soy sauce, bell peppers, chili, mushroom, baby corn, tomatoes, and snow peas | Drain the lychees, if using, and add them to the pan | Bring to a boil and simmer for 7\u201310 minutes, until the vegetables are cooked through | Taste and adjust the seasoning, adding salt, sugar, or agave syrup as required\n\nSpoon the curry into bowls, garnish with a handful of cilantro leaves, and serve alongside white rice\nRED RATATOUILLE RISOTTO\n\nSERVES 4\n\nSometimes ideas hide in plain sight: we thought to ourselves, why couldn't we use red wine to make risotto? This controversial idea has upset some but pleased many more, with hundreds of people recreating this dish and sending us their pictures. It has all the goodness of risotto but with the romantic flair of red wine.\n\n1 eggplant (about 9 oz)\n\n1 zucchini (about 7 oz)\n\n6 tomatoes (about 1 lb)\n\n\u00bc cup olive oil\n\n1 large red onion\n\n2 garlic cloves\n\n5 sun-dried tomatoes in oil\n\n2 sprigs fresh rosemary\n\n2 sprigs fresh thyme\n\n3\u00be cups vegetable stock\n\n2 tbsp tomato paste\n\n1 cup + 2 tbsp risotto rice\n\n\u00bd cup red wine\n\n1\u00bd tbsp dairy-free butter or spread\n\n2 tbsp pine nuts, to serve\n\nhandful fresh basil leaves, to serve\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Line a baking sheet | Medium saucepan over low heat | Medium saucepan over medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nTrim the eggplant, zucchini, and tomatoes and cut them into 1-inch chunks | Put them all on the lined baking sheet, drizzle over 2 tablespoons of the oil, and season with salt and pepper | Put the pan in the oven and bake for 40 minutes\n\nMeanwhile, peel and finely chop the red onion and garlic | Finely chop the sun-dried tomatoes | Remove the leaves from the herbs by running your thumb and forefinger from the top to the base of the stems (the leaves should easily come away), then finely chop\n\nPlace the stock in the medium saucepan over low heat and keep warm\n\nWarm the remaining 2 tablespoons of oil in the other pan | Add the chopped red onion to the pan and cook until soft and translucent, about 10\u201315 minutes | Add the garlic and cook for 1 minute longer | Add the rosemary and thyme, sun-dried tomatoes, and tomato paste and give everything a stir | Cook for another 4\u20135 minutes\n\nPour the risotto rice into the pan and stir it around for 1 minute | Increase the heat slightly, pour in the red wine, and stir until the rice has absorbed all the wine | Now start adding the stock, a ladleful at a time, waiting until the stock has been absorbed before adding another ladleful (you might not need all of it)\n\nAfter 15 minutes, the rice should be about 2\u20133 minutes away from being perfectly al dente | Take the roasted ratatouille vegetables out of the oven, scrape them into the pan, and fold them into the risotto along with all their juices | Stir until the rice is just cooked | Remove the pan from the heat and add the dairy-free butter | Season with salt and pepper\n\nDivide among 4 bowls | Sprinkle with the pine nuts and garnish with fresh basil leaves\nSAAG ALOO CURRY\n\nSERVES 2\u20134\n\nThis is definitely one of our healthier curries, but it's also powerfully spicy and tastes like takeout at home. There are lots of layers of flavor, the fenugreek being the star. We've made our spinach three ways to get maximum creaminess and freshness. Serve this with a couple of other curries for a DIY Indian sensation.\n\nFOR THE POTATOES\n\n1 lb new potatoes\n\n1 white onion\n\n3 garlic cloves\n\n2 tbsp sunflower oil\n\n\u00bc tsp cumin seeds\n\n1 tsp ground turmeric\n\n2 tsp garam masala\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\nFOR THE CURRY\n\n1 white onion\n\n1 fresh chili\n\n2 garlic cloves\n\n2\u2153-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n2 medium tomatoes (about 6 oz)\n\n14 oz baby spinach\n\n5 tbsp water\n\n2 tbsp sunflower oil\n\n2 tbsp garam masala\n\n1 tsp ground turmeric\n\n1 tbsp ground coriander\n\n1 tsp ground fenugreek\n\n1 tsp salt, plus a little extra\n\n\u00bd tsp sugar\n\n7 tbsp soy cream\n\n\u00bd lemon\n\nMedium saucepan of boiling salted water over high heat | Large frying pan over medium heat | Blender | Deep frying pan with a lid over medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nPeel the potatoes and cut them all in half | Put them into the medium saucepan and add just enough water to cover | Put the pan over high heat and bring to a boil, then immediately reduce the heat to medium and simmer until cooked, about 12\u201315 minutes | Take the pan off the heat and drain the potatoes in a colander\n\nMeanwhile, peel and finely chop the onion | Peel and mince the garlic | Add the oil to the large frying pan over medium heat | Sprinkle in the cumin seeds and stir until they release their aroma, about 1 minute\n\nAdd the chopped onion and garlic and stir until the onion has softened, about 15 minutes | Add the potatoes, the turmeric, garam masala, and salt | Stir until the potatoes have taken on the color of the spices | Remove from the heat and set aside\n\nPeel and finely dice the onion for the curry | Rip the stem from the chili, cut it in half lengthwise (remove the seeds for a milder sauce), then finely chop | Peel and mince the garlic | Peel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon and finely chop | Finely chop the tomatoes\n\nRoughly chop one-quarter of the spinach and finely chop another one-quarter | Put the remaining spinach into the blender with the water and whizz until completely blended\n\nAdd the oil to the deep-frying pan | Scrape in the chopped onions and garlic and fry until soft, about 10\u201315 minutes | Add the chili and ginger and stir for 2 more minutes | Add the tomatoes and stir until softened, about 3\u20135 minutes | Add the garam masala and turmeric, the ground coriander, fenugreek, salt, and sugar and stir until well combined\n\nAdd the roughly chopped spinach and stir until completely wilted | Add the finely chopped spinach and stir to mix | Pour in the blended spinach and stir until you have a dark green sauce | Simmer until thickened, about 10 minutes\n\nPour in the soy cream and stir in the potatoes | Cook until the sauce is bubbling slightly | Squeeze in the juice of the lemon, catching any seeds in your other hand | Serve hot alongside rice or naan\nSHEPHERD'S POTATO\n\nMAKES 6\n\nThis is our (slightly ridiculous) remix of two British classics: shepherd's pie and jacket potato. We've turned them on their heads to create possibly the poshest jacket potato you will ever eat. The hearty, smoky filling and fluffy potato goodness create a night-in dish to impress.\n\n6 large baking potatoes\n\n2 tbsp olive oil, plus a little bit extra\n\n1 white onion\n\n1 celery stalk\n\n1 medium carrot\n\n2 garlic cloves\n\n3 sprigs fresh rosemary, plus extra to serve\n\n3 sprigs fresh thyme\n\n2 tsp whole-grain mustard\n\n3 tbsp tomato paste\n\n1 tbsp soy sauce\n\n5 oz cremini mushrooms\n\n4 oz cooked puy lentils (homemade or store-bought)\n\n1 cup vegetable stock\n\n1\u00bd tbsp dairy-free butter or spread\n\n2 tbsp nutritional yeast\n\n1 tsp chili flakes, to serve\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nPreheat the oven to 390\u00b0F | Baking sheet | Deep frying pan over medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nPut the potatoes on the baking sheet and prick them with a fork | Drizzle with the 2 tablespoons of olive oil, season with salt and pepper, then rub them all over until completely covered | Put the pan in the hot oven and bake for 45\u201360 minutes, until soft\n\nPeel and finely chop the white onion | Trim the leaves and root from the celery, then finely chop | Trim the carrot, peeling it if you like, and finely chop\n\nAdd a little oil to the hot pan | Add the chopped onions, celery, and carrots and fry until they start to soften, about 5\u201310 minutes | Peel and crush the garlic into the pan | Remove the leaves from the rosemary and thyme by running your thumb and forefinger from the top to the base of the stems (the leaves should easily come away), finely chop, and add to the pan | Season and cook for 2\u20133 minutes | Add the mustard, tomato paste, and soy sauce and stir | Reduce the heat to a light simmer\n\nChop the mushrooms very finely and add them to the pan | Add the lentils, stir everything together, and cook for 5\u20137 minutes | Pour in the stock and mix\n\nWhen they're done, take the potatoes out of the oven (but leave the oven on) and let them cool down for a few minutes | Use a sharp knife to cut a round lid off the top of each potato | Scoop out the fluffy middles, leaving at least a \u2153-inch shell all round the insides, and transfer to a bowl | Add the dairy-free butter, nutritional yeast, and a pinch of salt and pepper to the bowl and mash\n\nFill each potato to the brim with the mushroom filling and top with a large dollop of mashed potato | Return the baking sheet to the oven and bake for 10\u201315 minutes to get the topping nice and crispy | Take the tray out of the oven | Sprinkle each potato with chili flakes, the remaining chopped rosemary, and some pepper before serving\nSPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE\n\nSERVES 4\u20136\n\nOur \"spag bol\" has all the deliciousness of the original, but with minced mushrooms providing the rich, smoky flavor. If you're looking for a warming, satisfying, and healthy(ish) dinner, then look no further. Perfect for a date night and great with a glass of red wine.\n\n1\u00bd lb cremini mushrooms\n\n1 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 lb spaghetti\n\na few small fresh basil leaves, to serve\n\nsalt and pepper\n\nFOR THE TOMATO SAUCE\n\n2 red onions\n\n1 celery stalk\n\n4 garlic cloves\n\n2 carrots\n\n1 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 tbsp tomato paste\n\n1\u00bc cups red wine\n\n1 tsp balsamic vinegar\n\n\u00bd tbsp dried oregano\n\n1 bay leaf\n\n2 tsp soy sauce\n\nFood processor | Large frying pan over high heat | Large saucepan\n\n* * *\n\nPut the mushrooms in the food processor and pulse until very finely minced (you can chop them if you prefer, but it's quicker with a food processor)\n\nPour the oil into the frying pan | Add the mushrooms and season with a small pinch of salt and pepper | Cook for 10\u201315 minutes, stirring regularly, until all the liquid has evaporated and the mushrooms are well browned | Take the pan off the heat, transfer the mushrooms to a bowl, and set aside\n\nPeel and roughly chop the onions for the tomato sauce | Trim the leaves and root from the celery and roughly chop | Peel the garlic | Trim the carrots and peel if the skin is tough, then roughly chop | Put the chopped vegetables and garlic into the food processor and mince well\n\nPut the same pan back over medium-high heat and add the oil | Add the minced onions, garlic, carrots, and celery and cook for about 10 minutes, until all the vegetables are soft | Stir in the tomato paste | Add the red wine, balsamic vinegar, oregano, bay leaf, and soy sauce | Stir everything together and then turn down the heat | Simmer for 10 minutes\n\nMeanwhile, bring a large saucepan of water to a boil over high heat and season with a big pinch of salt | Add the pasta to the pan and cook until al dente, according to the package directions | Spoon a scant \u00bd cup of the pasta water into a cup and set aside | Drain the pasta\n\nTaste the sauce and season with salt and pepper | Add the minced mushrooms to the simmering sauce, turn up the heat, and pour in the reserved pasta water | Stir everything together and let the sauce simmer for another 3\u20135 minutes to warm through\n\nPour the sauce into the pasta pot and stir everything together so that the sauce completely covers the pasta | Scatter in the basil leaves and grind over some black pepper | Serve to happy faces!\n\n**Showpieces**\n\nNow it's real wow time\n\nCreate awesome showpieces\n\nTo impress your guests\nBURRITO SAMOSAS\n\nMAKES 5\n\nThis two-dish combination is a BOSH! classic and an internet sensation. This is the traditional burrito ingredients in an unfamiliar but fantastic form. It's perfect for lunch, dinner, or you can take it on the go with you. It's a hearty, full meal best served with salad and Guacamole or Salsa.\n\n3 russet or other fluffy potatoes (about 1 lb)\n\n1 red onion\n\n3 garlic cloves\n\n1 red bell pepper\n\n1 fresh red chili\n\n3 tbsp vegetable oil\n\n2 tsp smoked paprika\n\n1 tbsp ground coriander\n\n2 tsp ground cumin\n\n1 tbsp + \u00bd tsp Tabasco sauce, or to taste\n\n1 can (15 oz) black beans\n\n2 cups cooked basmati rice (store-bought or see here)\n\n1\u00bd limes\n\n1 cup fresh cilantro leaves\n\n3\u00bd oz dairy-free cheese\n\n6 10-inch flour tortillas\n\nguacamole (store-bought or see here), to serve\n\nsalsa (store-bought or see here), to serve\n\nsalt\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Line a baking sheet | Medium saucepan over high heat | Large frying pan | Pastry brush\n\n* * *\n\nPeel the potatoes and chop them into \u2153-inch chunks | Put them into the medium saucepan and add just enough water to cover | Set the pan over high heat and bring to a boil, then immediately reduce the heat to medium and simmer until cooked, about 10 minutes | Take the pan off the heat and drain the potatoes in a colander\n\nMeanwhile, peel and finely chop the red onion and garlic | Cut the bell pepper in half and cut out the stem and seeds, then finely chop | Rip the stem from the chili, cut it in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds if you prefer a milder flavor, then finely chop\n\nSet the large frying pan over medium heat and add the vegetable oil | Once it's hot, add the minced vegetables and fry until soft, about 10 minutes | Add the smoked paprika, ground coriander, cumin, 1 tablespoon of the Tabasco, and a pinch of salt to the pan and stir everything together | Add the potatoes to the pan and stir until they've taken on all the colors and flavors and begun to crisp up slightly on the sides, about 10 minutes | Drain the black beans and tip them into the pan | Stir until warmed through | Take the pan off the heat and transfer the contents to a mixing bowl\n\nTip the cooked rice into a mixing bowl and fluff it with a fork | Cut the limes in half and squeeze in the juice, catching any seeds in your other hand | Scatter over the cilantro leaves, a pinch of salt, and \u00bd teaspoon of the Tabasco and stir them into the rice\n\nGrate the dairy-free cheese into a bowl\n\nTake one of the tortillas and cut into 5 equal-sized wedges | Cut across the curved edge of each wedge so that you have a straight-sided triangle | Set aside these triangles, which will be used to seal your samosas\n\nTake another tortilla and lay it out on a clean work surface | Take about one-fifth of the rice and place it in the center of the tortilla | Follow with one-fifth of the dairy-free cheese and then one-fifth of the potato mixture | Shape the filling roughly into triangles with your hands, making sure it is in the middle of the tortilla | Place one of the tortilla triangles on top of the ingredients and press down slightly | Brush the rim of the round tortilla as well as the tortilla triangle with water (this will act as a glue to stick them together) | Fold the edges of the tortilla into the middle to form a triangle | Put the \"samosa\" on the lined baking sheet, fold side down | Repeat with the remaining samosas\n\nPut the pan in the oven and bake for 20\u201325 minutes, until the samosas are crisp to the touch | Remove from the oven and serve with guacamole and salsa for happy dipping!\nMASSAMAN CURRY\n\nSERVES 4\n\nThis is an absolute jaw-dropper of a curry. It has an incredible depth of hearty, umami flavor and a richness that keeps on giving. The spice kick is big but not too bold as it is infused throughout the dish. You could make this in the morning and leave it in the slow cooker all day for melt-in-your-mouth veggies. Serve with Perfectly Boiled Rice.\n\n1 tsp fennel seeds\n\n1 tsp cumin seeds\n\n1 tsp coriander seeds\n\n6 whole cloves\n\nvegetable oil\n\n2 lemongrass stalks\n\n8 shallots\n\n4 garlic cloves\n\n1-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n1 oz fresh cilantro sprigs\n\n3 kaffir lime leaves\n\n2 tbsp chili paste\n\n1 can (14 oz) coconut milk\n\n1 potato (about 8 oz)\n\n2 sweet potatoes (about 1 lb)\n\n1 red bell pepper\n\n\u00bc lb green beans\n\n\u00bd small cauliflower\n\n2 cups vegetable stock\n\n1 tbsp tamarind paste\n\n2 bay leaves\n\n1 cinnamon stick\n\ncooked rice, to serve\n\n\u00bc cup roasted peanuts\n\nLarge saucepan over high heat | Blender\n\n* * *\n\nPut the fennel, cumin, and coriander seeds and cloves into the saucepan and toast for about 2 minutes, until fragrant | Transfer to the blender | Put the pan back on the heat and add a little oil\n\nTrim the top and bottom off the lemongrass and carefully cut them in half lengthwise | Peel the shallots and garlic | Peel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon | Separate the leaves and stems of the fresh cilantro and set both aside\n\nRoughly chop the lemongrass, shallots, garlic, and ginger and tip them into the pan | Fry for 3 minutes, until lightly browned, then tip into the blender | Add the lime leaves, chili paste, and cilantro stems | Blend until you've created a completely smooth paste with a deep brown color and no bits | Pour back into the pan, turn the heat up to medium-high, and fry for 2 minutes, or until golden brown | Pour in the coconut milk, reduce the heat to medium, and let it bubble away slowly until reduced by a third\n\nMeanwhile, peel the potato and sweet potatoes and chop into 1\u00bc-inch cubes | Cut the bell pepper in half and cut out the stem and seeds, then chop into 1\u00bc-inch squares | Cut the green beans into 1-inch pieces | Break the cauliflower into small florets\n\nAdd the vegetable stock to the pan, followed by the potato, sweet potato, cauliflower, bell pepper, and green beans | Add the tamarind paste, bay leaves, and cinnamon stick and bring to a boil, stirring continuously | Immediately reduce the heat to low and leave to simmer for 45\u201360 minutes, stirring occasionally, until you have a very thick, rich, curry consistency\n\nChop the reserved cilantro leaves | Serve the curry alongside boiled rice, scattered with the roasted peanuts and fresh cilantro\nGIANT BURRITO CAKE\n\nSERVES 8\u201310\n\nA giant burrito, wrapped up warm then baked in a frying pan = the most amazing sharing platter you ever had! Inspired by our good friends at Jungle Creations, this dish is incredibly easy and impressive. It's been cooked time and time again by our fans and is one of our finest food remixes to date. You can see this in all its flavor-packed glory here.\n\n4 oz cherry tomatoes\n\n3 scallions\n\n1 tbsp olive oil\n\n6\u20137 10-inch flour tortillas\n\n10 slices dairy-free cheese\n\n1 lime\n\nFOR THE VEGETABLE FILLING\n\n2 medium sweet potatoes (about 1 lb)\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\n\u00bd\u20131 tsp chili flakes\n\n1 red onion\n\n1 red bell pepper\n\n1 yellow bell pepper\n\n1 green bell pepper\n\n1 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 tsp garlic powder\n\n1 tsp paprika\n\n1\u00bd tsp cayenne pepper\n\n1 tsp onion powder\n\n1 tsp ground cumin\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nFOR THE RICE FILLING\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\n5 scallions\n\n3 garlic cloves\n\n2 cups cooked basmati rice (store-bought or see here)\n\n1 can (15 oz) black beans\n\n\u00bc tsp Tabasco sauce\n\nsalt\n\n1 tbsp ground cumin\n\n12 sprigs fresh cilantro\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Line 2 baking sheets | Large ovenproof frying pan | Medium saucepan | Pastry brush\n\n* * *\n\nTo make the vegetable filling, first cut the sweet potatoes into \u00bc-inch-thick slices | Lay them out on one of the lined baking sheets, drizzle them with 1 tablespoon olive oil, and sprinkle over the chili flakes and a good pinch each of salt and pepper | Mix everything around so that the potatoes are well coated | Put the pan into the hot oven and bake for 30 minutes, then remove the pan and set it aside\n\nWhile the potatoes are in the oven, peel and finely slice the red onion | Cut the bell peppers in half and cut out the stems and seeds, then cut them into slices | Spread the onion and pepper slices over the second lined baking sheet and drizzle them with 1 tablespoon olive oil | Sprinkle with the garlic powder, paprika, cayenne pepper, onion powder, and ground cumin | Mix everything together and then put the pan into the oven below the potatoes to bake for 20 minutes, then remove the pan and set it aside\n\nTo prepare the rice filling, set the large frying pan over medium heat and add 2 tablespoons of olive oil | Trim and finely slice the scallions | Peel and finely slice the garlic | Put the sliced scallions and garlic into the pan and stir them around until you've released the aroma of the garlic; this should take about 2\u20133 minutes | Tip in the cooked rice | Drain the black beans and add them to the pan\n\nAdd the Tabasco sauce, a good pinch of salt, and ground cumin to the pan and stir everything together, then take the pan off the heat | Pick the leaves from the cilantro and add them to the pan, discarding the stems or using them for something else | Stir everything together again | Tip the contents of the pan into a large serving bowl and then clean the pan ready to use again\n\nTrim and finely chop the cherry tomatoes | Trim the scallions and finely chop | Put the tomatoes and chopped scallions into small bowls so that they are ready when you build your giant burrito cake\n\nNow you're ready to put it all together and assemble your cake | Brush the frying pan with 1 tablespoon olive oil to stop the burrito cake sticking | Now arrange four of the tortillas around the edges of the pan as if you are laying out the petals of a flower and draping each one over the edges of the pan (if you are using a really big frying pan you might need one more tortilla to make sure your burrito cake will be completely sealed) | Press a final tortilla into the center of the pan so that the bottom of the pan is completely covered and there are no gaps\n\nNow you're going to fill your burrito cake | First spoon half the rice into the burrito base and spread it out evenly with the back of a wooden spoon | Place a layer of dairy-free cheese slices on top of the rice, followed by a layer of the sweet potato slices | Next, take half the onion and pepper slices and place them on top of the sweet potato to make an even layer | Sprinkle over half the chopped cherry tomatoes and half the sliced scallions | Cut the lime in half and squeeze in the juice of one half, catching any seeds in the other hand | Repeat with a layer of rice, dairy-free cheese slices, sweet potato slices, onion and pepper slices, cherry tomatoes, scallions, and the juice from the other half of the lime so that you use up all of the ingredients | Make sure the filling is nice and even and as round as possible as this will form the shape of your burrito cake\n\nLay the remaining tortilla over the top of the filling to form a lid | Use a pastry brush or your finger to wet the edges of each tortilla with a thin coating of water (this will act as a glue to stick the tortillas together and seal the cake) | Fold the overhanging tortillas neatly over the filling and into the middle of the cake, starting with one tortilla and working your way around the cake, and smooth them down to seal the cake\n\nPut the pan into the hot oven and bake the burrito cake for 20 minutes, until the filling is cooked through, the tortilla casing is golden, and the cake looks nice and solid | Take the pan out of the oven\n\nTo serve your burrito cake, place a large serving board on top of the pan and very carefully flip both the pan and board over to release the cake | Use a sharp knife to cut it into neat wedges and enjoy your giant burrito cake!\n\nMEZZE CAKE\n\nSERVES 8\u201310\n\nThis is one of the finest dishes we've ever made or eaten, with every mouthful the perfect combination of flavors you could hope to get in a Middle Eastern restaurant. It's a proud remix of an entire cuisine into a cake and, while it is a bit of a labor of love, it's guaranteed to excite your taste buds. Check out the photo above for inspiration!\n\n2 eggplants\n\n2 zucchini\n\nolive oil\n\n1 thin flatbread (under \u00bc inch)\n\n1\u00bc cups hummus (store-bought or see here)\n\n2\u20133 tbsp sriracha\n\n18\u201320 sun-dried tomatoes\n\n7 tbsp olive tapenade (store-bought or see here)\n\n2 cups cooked basmati rice (store-bought or see here)\n\n7 roasted red peppers from a jar\n\n8 artichokes from a jar\n\n7 tbsp baba ganoush (store-bought or see here)\n\nFOR THE FALAFEL MIX\n\n1 can (15 oz) chickpeas\n\n1 small red onion\n\n1 cup fresh parsley leaves\n\n\u2154 cup fresh cilantro leaves\n\n2 tsp garlic powder\n\n1\u00bd\u20132 tsp ground cumin\n\n1\u00bd\u20132 tsp ground coriander\n\n2 tsp harissa paste\n\n2 tbsp all-purpose flour\n\n1 tbsp olive oil\n\nsalt\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Baking sheet drizzled with olive oil | 8-inch springform pan | Food processor | Grill pan\n\n* * *\n\nCut off the stem ends of the eggplants and cut the flesh into slices about \u00bc inch thick | Trim the zucchini and cut them into \u00bc-inch-thick slices | Set aside three of the nicest looking slices of each (choose ones that are roughly the same size) | Spread the rest over the greased baking sheet and drizzle them with a bit more oil | Rub the oil into the slices | Put the pan into the hot oven and roast for 30 minutes, until the vegetables are soft | Remove the pan from the oven and set it aside to cool\n\nNext, place the flatbread on a cutting board and lay the springform pan on top of it | Cut around the pan with a sharp knife to make a flatbread round that will fit inside the bottom of it | Put the flatbread inside the pan and spread it with a \u2153-inch layer of hummus | Drizzle a tablespoon of chili sauce over the top of the hummus\n\nYou're now going to layer up the ingredients inside the pan to build up your mezze cake | First place a flat ring of sun-dried tomatoes all around the edge of the pan | Then, inside the ring of tomatoes, build another ring of roasted zucchini slices, placing one in the center if there is space | Fill in any gaps between the slices with spoonfuls of the olive tapenade\n\nNext, spoon a layer of the cooked rice over the vegetables so that it is about \u00bc inch deep all over and press it down firmly with the back of the spoon to get it nice and firm and even all over | Place a layer of the roasted eggplant and zucchini slices over the top of the rice layer and fill the gaps with more blobs of the olive tapenade | Once again, press down all over the top of the cake with a spoon to keep it all nice and compact (this step is important as it will hold the cake together when it cooks and ensure you get immaculate slices)\n\nCut the roasted peppers into \u00be-inch strips and arrange them in a star shape over the top of the cake and fill the spaces in between the star with pieces of artichoke | Firm everything down again with the back of a spoon | Arrange more of the roasted zucchini around the edge of the pan and place some sun-dried tomatoes in the space in the middle | Fill in the gaps with spoonfuls of the baba ganoush\n\nNext prepare the falafel topping | Drain the chickpeas and tip them into the food processor | Peel the onion and roughly chop it, then add it to the chickpeas | Throw in the fresh parsley and cilantro leaves, the garlic powder, the ground cumin, ground coriander, and the harissa paste | Spoon the flour into the food processor with the tablespoon of olive oil and pinch of salt | Whizz everything together until you have a thick paste | Spoon the falafel mixture all over the top of the cake and smooth it out using the back of the spoon or a frosting spatula as if you were icing a cake, until you have an even \u2153-inch layer\n\nPut the cake in the hot oven and bake for 20\u201325 minutes, until the falafel on the top has hardened and everything is cooked through\n\nWhile the cake is cooking, set the grill pan over medium-high heat and drizzle it with some olive oil | Heat the oil until it's really hot | Put the reserved slices of eggplant and zucchini into the hot pan and cook them on one side until they have defined char lines and are softened, then flip them over to cook the other side (try not to move them around too much in the pan as we want to make nice neat black grill marks); the eggplant will take around 5 minutes per side and the zucchini will take about 3\u20134 minutes per side | Remove the pan from the heat and transfer the slices to a plate\n\nWhen the cake is ready, take it out of the oven | To finish and decorate it, spoon the remaining hummus on top and spread it out neatly until you have a \u00bc\u2013\u2153-inch layer all over the top of the cake | Now make it look pretty by decorating it with the grilled eggplant and zucchini slices and then drizzling it all over the top with the rest of the chili sauce | Finally, scatter over the fresh cilantro leaves\n\nCarefully release the cake from the pan and reveal your masterpiece | You'll need to use a very sharp knife to slice the cake and serve it immediately | If the knife gets caught at any point, a sharp pair of scissors can help you to cut it more neatly | Make sure the flatbread at the bottom is completely cut through before you remove the slice so that everything comes out in one perfect tidy piece!\nULTIMATE CHILI\n\nSERVES 6\n\nThis deep, dark, and smoky chili is perhaps the richest we've tasted. The flavor comes from the mushroom base, but is boosted by untraditional ingredients like soy sauce, balsamic vinegar, maple syrup, and chocolate. You should absolutely leave it bubbling away if you have the time. It's so, so good\u2014you'll be bowled over by the end result. See above for a mouthwatering preview.\n\n14 oz mushrooms\n\nolive oil\n\n\u00bc tsp salt\n\n\u00bc tsp black pepper\n\n2 red onions\n\n4 garlic cloves\n\n2 fresh red chilies\n\n14 sprigs fresh cilantro\n\n1 celery stalk\n\n1 red bell pepper\n\n1 tbsp tomato paste\n\n1 cup red wine\n\n2 tsp soy sauce\n\n1 tsp balsamic vinegar\n\n2 cans (14.5 oz each) chopped tomatoes\n\n1 can (15 oz) black beans\n\n1 can (15 oz) kidney beans\n\n1\u00bd tsp maple syrup\n\n\u00bd oz dark chocolate\n\nFOR THE SPICE MIX\n\n1 tsp chili powder\n\n1 tsp ground cumin\n\n1 tsp smoked paprika\n\n\u00bd tsp ground cinnamon\n\n\u00bd tsp dried oregano\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n\u00bd tsp black pepper\n\n1 bay leaf\n\nFood processor | Frying pan over medium-high heat | Large saucepan over medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nPut the mushrooms in the food processor and pulse until very finely minced (you can chop them if you prefer, but it's quicker and better with a food processor)\n\nPour a little oil into the hot frying pan | Once the oil is hot, tip in the mushrooms with the salt and pepper and cook for 5 minutes | Take the pan off the heat, transfer the mushrooms to a bowl, and set aside\n\nPeel and mince the red onions | Peel and mince the garlic | Rip the stems from the chilies, cut them in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds if you prefer a milder sauce, then chop finely | Remove the leaves from the cilantro and set aside | Finely chop the stems | Trim the leaves and root from the celery | Cut the bell pepper in half and cut out the stem and seeds | Cut the celery and pepper into very small chunks\n\nAdd a little oil to the large saucepan | Once it is hot, add the minced onions and garlic, the finely chopped cilantro stems, and the chilies and cook gently for 5\u201310 minutes, making sure you stir constantly | Add the chopped celery and bell pepper chunks to the pan and stir\n\nAdd all the spice mix ingredients to the pan and stir so that the spices are well mixed and coat all the vegetables | Stir in the tomato paste to give a rich color and depth of flavor | Pour the red wine, soy sauce, and balsamic vinegar into the pan and turn up the heat to high | Stir constantly until the liquid has reduced by two-thirds and the alcoholic aroma has subsided | Tip the chopped tomatoes into the pan, stir into the chili, and simmer for 5 minutes, until the sauce is noticeably thicker\n\nDrain the black beans and kidney beans and add them to the pan along with the maple syrup, dark chocolate, and the minced mushrooms | Stir everything together really well and then reduce the heat to a very gentle simmer | Leave this bubbling away with the lid off, stirring occasionally until it's reduced to the right thickness (at least 10 minutes) | You can leave it bubbling for longer to deepen the flavors, adding more water if needed to keep the right consistency\n\nTake the lid off the pan and remove the bay leaf | Stir the cilantro leaves into the chili and serve\u2014or make Big Bad Nachos!\nBIG BAD NACHOS\n\nSERVES 8\n\nShortly after the first chili came the first nachos. We're massive chili fans, but we always have loads left over and these nachos are a brilliant way to use it up. This dish is a sure-fire movie night crowd-pleaser. Feel free to adjust the quantities and experiment with soy cream, coconut yogurt, fresh chilies, or refried beans\u2014see overleaf for serving inspiration.\n\n2 bags (7 oz each) tortilla chips\n\n1 jar (7 oz) pickled jalape\u00f1os\n\n1\u00be oz dairy-free cheese such as our Garlic & Herb Cashew Cheese (see here), optional\n\n1 cup Ultimate Chili (see here) or leftovers from a previous meal\n\n\u00be cup guacamole (store-bought or see here)\n\n\u00be cup fresh salsa (store-bought or see here)\n\nhandful fresh cilantro leaves\n\nPreheat oven to 390\u00b0F | Large ovenproof dish (about 12 x 9-inch)\n\n* * *\n\nTip the tortilla chips into the ovenproof dish so that they cover the bottom | Slice the jalape\u00f1os and scatter them over the tortilla chips | Throw in the dairy-free cheese, if using | Cover with the Ultimate Chili\n\nPut the dish in the oven and bake until the tortilla chips have started to brown and the chili is heated through, about 10\u201315 minutes | Take the dish out of the oven\n\nDot random spots of guacamole and salsa over the top | Chop up the cilantro leaves and scatter them over the nachos\nPERFECT PIZZA\n\nPizza, pizza. The perfect sharing food. It's satisfying, filling, and can be a healthy(ish) choice when it's done right. People are often afraid of dough-making but it doesn't take long and the kneading is incredibly satisfying, maybe even meditative. Make double and you can freeze half for next time. We recommend a pizza stone for a really good crust.\nBASIC PIZZA DOUGH\n\nMAKES 2 LARGE PIZZA CRUSTS\n\n3\u2154 cups bread flour\n\n\u00bd envelope (1\u215b tsp) fast-acting dry yeast\n\n1\u00bd tsp salt\n\n1 cup + 7 tbsp water, at room temperature\n\nClean work surface dusted liberally with flour\n\n* * *\n\nMeasure the flour into a large bowl | Stir in the yeast and salt and mix it all together well | Use your hands to make a well in the middle of the bowl | Pour in the water and slowly mix together, kneading well with your fingers | When a dough has come together, bring it out of the bowl and put it on the floured work surface | Knead for 15 minutes, stretching and folding the dough, turning it 90 degrees, and then repeating until it becomes really smooth and springy | Wipe any flour or dough out of the bowl and rub the inside lightly with oil | Put the dough back in, cover with plastic wrap, and leave to rise for about 1 hour until doubled in size\n\nTip the risen dough back onto the work surface and give it another 60 seconds of kneading, then divide it into two | Cover each half with plastic wrap and leave to rise for another 30 minutes | You can store the dough in plastic wrap in the freezer for up to 1 month, defrosting completely before using\nMIDDLE EAST PIZZA\n\nMAKES 2 LARGE PIZZAS\n\nWith its Middle Eastern vibes, this pizza is a clear winner on pizza night. Feel free to play around with the ingredients. We use lots of jarred ingredients so it's a great pantry standby. Serve alongside hummus, tapenade, and any other mezze dishes you can think of!\n\nflour, for dusting\n\nBasic Pizza Dough (see here)\n\nsemolina, for dusting\n\n4 artichoke hearts preserved in oil (from a jar)\n\n1 red pepper preserved in oil (from a jar)\n\n6 cherry tomatoes\n\n6 sun-dried tomatoes\n\n\u00bd red onion\n\n5 tbsp hummus (store-bought or see here), plus extra to serve\n\ngenerous 3 tbsp olive tapenade (store-bought or see here), plus extra to serve\n\nhandful fresh cilantro, to serve\n\nhot sauce, to serve\n\nFOR THE TOMATO SAUCE\n\n1 garlic clove\n\nsmall handful fresh basil or 1 tsp dried\n\n1 tbsp olive oil\n\n\u00be cup canned chopped tomatoes\n\n1 tsp red wine vinegar\n\nPreheat oven to 480\u00b0F | Pizza stone or heavy baking sheet heating up in the oven | Baking sheet dusted liberally with semolina | Clean work surface dusted liberally with flour | Blender | Rolling pin (or use a clean, dry wine bottle)\n\n* * *\n\nFirst make the tomato sauce | Peel the garlic clove and add it to the blender with the basil | Add the olive oil, canned tomatoes, and red wine vinegar | Whizz until really smooth\n\nTip one of the dough balls onto the floured work surface and roll it out to about 12-inch diameter | Carefully transfer to the baking sheet, laying it over the semolina | Spoon a thin layer of tomato sauce over the top of the pizza, spreading it all the way to the edges | Set aside\n\nTake your artichoke hearts out of the jar and cut them in half | Take the pepper out of the jar and wipe off any excess oil, then cut into thin strips | Halve the cherry tomatoes and sun-dried tomatoes | Peel and finely slice the onion\n\nDecorate your pizza crust with half the vegetables you've just prepared, making sure you leave a little space around them | Slide the crust onto the hot pizza stone or baking sheet in the oven and bake for 10 minutes | Meanwhile prepare the second pizza\n\nRemove the cooked pizza from the oven and spoon about 8 small dollops each of hummus and tapenade around the pizza, as artfully as you can | Chop the cilantro leaves and sprinkle over the top, then splash with a few drops of hot sauce | Repeat with the second pizza and serve\nAVOCADO TOAST PIZZA\n\nMAKES 2 LARGE PIZZAS\n\nThis is the ultimate hipster dish and works as a brunch as much as a main. Think of a really good garlic bread pizza with a big power-up of avocado and delicious cilantro and lemon zest.\n\n1 garlic clove\n\n1 fresh red chili\n\n\u00bd cup fresh cilantro\n\nflour, for dusting\n\nBasic Pizza Dough (see here)\n\nsemolina, for dusting\n\n3 tbsp olive oil\n\n6 avocados\n\n1 lemon\n\n1\u20132 tsp chili flakes\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\ntomato salsa, for dipping, optional\n\nPreheat oven to 480\u00b0F | Pizza stone or heavy baking sheet heating up in the oven | Rolling pin (or use a clean, dry wine bottle) | Baking sheet dusted liberally with semolina | Pastry brush\n\n* * *\n\nPeel and finely chop the garlic | Rip the stem from the chili, cut it in half lengthwise, remove the seeds if you prefer a milder flavor, and finely chop | Cut the stems from the cilantro and finely chop, reserving the leaves\n\nDust a clean, dry work surface liberally with flour | Roll out one of the dough balls to about 12-inch diameter | Carefully transfer to the baking sheet, laying it over the semolina | Brush the top of the pizza with half the olive oil | Sprinkle half the garlic, chili, and chopped cilantro stems all over the pizza crust | Carefully slide the pizza onto the hot pizza stone or baking sheet in the oven and cook for 10 minutes | Meanwhile, prepare the second pizza\n\nNext prep the toppings | Halve and carefully pit the avocados by tapping the pit firmly with the heel of a knife so that it lodges in the pits, then twist and remove the pits | Run a spoon around the inside of the skin to scoop out the avocado halves, then slice them finely, keeping the shape of the avocado halves\n\nSlide the cooked pizza crust onto a cutting board and put the second pizza in the oven\n\nYou're going to use 3 avocados for the first crust | Pick up the first half of slices and lay it on the pizza, then press down gently to fan out the slices neatly | Repeat until the pizza is almost completely covered in avocado | Halve the lemon and squeeze one half all over the pizza, catching any seeds in your other hand | Finely chop the cilantro leaves and scatter half over the pizza | Season with salt and black pepper and sprinkle with chili flakes\n\nRemove the second pizza from the oven and repeat with the remaining toppings | Serve the pizzas on their own or with a tomato salsa for dipping, if using\nJERK JACKFRUIT & PLANTAIN PIZZA\n\nMAKES 2 LARGE PIZZAS\n\nThis evolved from our Reggae Reggae Pizza. We decided to badboy it up with spicy jerk jackfruit offset by sweet plantain. It's got a satisfying bite and comes fully loaded\u2014this is a HOT pizza. Adjust the chilies to taste and add BBQ or jerk sauce for dipping.\n\nBasic Pizza Dough (see here)\n\nflour, for dusting\n\nsemolina, for dusting\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 can (14 oz) young green jackfruit in spring water\n\n1 ripe plantain (the skin should be more black than yellow)\n\nBBQ or jerk sauce, to serve, optional\n\nFOR THE JERK SAUCE\n\n1 fresh Scotch bonnet chili\n\n2 garlic cloves\n\n5\u20137 sprigs fresh thyme\n\n1 tsp ground cloves\n\n1 tsp ground cinnamon\n\n1 tsp ground nutmeg\n\n2 tsp ground allspice\n\nblack pepper\n\nolive oil\n\nFOR THE TOMATO SAUCE\n\n\u00be cup canned chopped tomatoes\n\nhandful fresh basil or 1 tsp dried\n\n1 garlic clove\n\n1 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 tsp red wine vinegar\n\nPreheat oven to 480\u00b0F | Pizza stone or heavy baking sheet heating up in the oven | Blender | Rolling pin (or use a clean, dry wine bottle) | Baking sheet dusted liberally with semolina | Large frying pan\n\n* * *\n\nFirst make the jerk sauce by ripping the stem from the chili, cutting it in half lengthwise, and removing the seeds if you prefer a milder sauce, then finely chop | Peel and mince the garlic | Remove the leaves from the thyme by running your thumb and forefinger from the top to the base of the stems (the leaves should easily come away) and finely chop | Put the chili, garlic, thyme, cloves, cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice in a mixing bowl with some black pepper and a dash of olive oil | Mix well\n\nTake 1 tablespoon of the jerk sauce and put it into the blender with the ingredients for the tomato sauce | Whizz until really smooth\n\nDust a clean, dry work surface liberally with flour | Roll out one of the dough balls to about 12-inch diameter | Carefully transfer to the baking sheet, laying it over the semolina | Spoon a thin layer of tomato sauce over the top, spreading it all the way to the edges | Set aside\n\nPut 1 tablespoon of oil into the frying pan and set it over medium heat | Drain the jackfruit and cut into thin slices, following the grain of the fruit from the bottom to the top | Add to the jerk marinade and stir to coat | You can leave to marinate for an hour for a deeper flavor, or add straight to the hot pan and fry for 5 minutes, stirring regularly | Remove from the heat and transfer half the fruit to the pizza\n\nPut the remaining oil into the pan and put it back on the heat | Peel and finely slice the plantain | Add to the pan and saut\u00e9 for 3\u20135 minutes, turning a couple of times, until golden brown | Take off the heat and add half the slices to the pizza\n\nCarefully slide the pizza onto the hot pizza stone or baking sheet and cook for 10 minutes | Meanwhile, assemble the second pizza\n\nRemove the cooked pizza from the oven and follow with the second | Serve with BBQ or jerk sauce, if using\nPETTIGREW'S PAELLA\n\nSERVES 4\u20136\n\nThis Spanish classic is loved by many, mastered by few. However, Henry's father has made a good effort and passed the recipe down proudly from father to son. Paella should never be stirred\u2014unlike risotto, the rice needs to stay firm and not sticky. The lemon wedges served on every plate to be squeezed over before eating are absolutely nonnegotiable!\n\n1 large red bell pepper\n\n\u00be cup butter beans or lima beans\n\n1 small onion\n\n1 large garlic clove\n\n1 medium tomato (about 4 oz)\n\n5 oz thin green beans\n\n10 broccolini\n\n7 oz canned artichoke hearts (about 10 pieces)\n\ngenerous pinch of saffron\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 tbsp paprika\n\n\u00bd tsp ground turmeric\n\n4 cups good-quality vegetable stock\n\n1\u00bd cups paella rice\n\n1\u20132 lemons\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nBroiler on high, or grill pan on the highest heat | Baking sheet | Large frying or paella pan | Pestle and mortar (or use a mug and teaspoon) | Boiling water | Clean kitchen towels\n\n* * *\n\nCut the bell pepper in half and cut out the stem and seeds | Lay the pieces on the baking sheet under a hot broiler, skin side up (or on a hot grill pan, skin side down) and heat until the skin blackens | Transfer to a plastic bag and seal inside | Leave to cool, then remove the skin | Cut the flesh into \u00bd-inch strips\n\nMeanwhile, drain the butter beans | Peel and finely chop the onion and garlic | Finely chop the tomato | Trim the green beans and cut off the heads of the broccolini | Cut the beans and broccolini stems only into \u2153\u2013\u00be-inch pieces | Quarter the artichoke hearts | Set all the chopped veggies aside for later\n\nPut the saffron threads in the dry frying or paella pan and place it over medium heat | Let it warm for about 1 minute to dry the saffron, then transfer to a mortar | Add a generous pinch of salt and pound with the pestle to grind them together\n\nAdd 1 tablespoon of the oil to the pan along with the bell pepper | Cook for 10\u201315 minutes, turning occasionally, until the peppers are soft but not browned | Remove from the pan and set aside about 6 strips | Cut the rest into \u2153\u2013\u00be-inch pieces\n\nAdd the onion to the pan along with the remaining tablespoon oil | Cook for 10\u201315 minutes, until the onion has softened and browned a little, stirring occasionally | Add the garlic and cook for 2 minutes longer | Add the tomato and cook for about 10 minutes more, stirring from time to time, until the tomato pieces turn mushy | Stir in the salty saffron threads, paprika, turmeric, and a generous pinch of black pepper | Add the stock to the pan, turn up the heat and bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to medium\n\nStir in the green beans, butter beans, artichoke, and red bell pepper pieces (reserving the strips) | Increase the heat to bring the pan back to a simmer, then lower to medium | Taste the paella liquid\u2014it should have a good \"stock\" taste that's a little too salty, so add a little more salt to the pan if necessary\n\nSprinkle the rice evenly over the pan | Bring it back to a boil, then reduce the heat to a fast simmer (medium-high) | Continue to simmer for 5 minutes without stirring | If you are using a large pan on a smaller burner you may need to move the pan around on the burner occasionally so that the rice cooks evenly across the pan\n\nDecorate the surface of the paella with the red pepper strips and broccolini florets | Continue to cook without stirring for 10 minutes | Turn the broccolini a few times so that it cooks through, and check that the rice is still evenly distributed\u2014you might need to use a spoon to move the rice in the pan\n\nAfter 10 minutes, test the rice by biting a few grains | They should be translucent but al dente | If the pan starts to dry out before the rice is cooked, add a scant \u00bd cup boiling water by drizzling it through a strainer over the surface of the mixture (don't just pour it in) | If there is a lot of liquid visible when the rice is nearly cooked, consider either spooning some off or turning up the heat (a little bit of burning at the bottom of the pan is not considered a bad thing\u2014the Valencians call it \"socarrat,\" and treasure it)\n\nOnce the rice is cooked enough, give it a last short burst of heat to get any remaining liquid really bubbling, then turn off the heat and cover the top of the pan with foil and a couple of clean kitchen towels | Leave it for 10\u201315 minutes\u2014this improves the taste and texture and allows the rice to absorb any excess stock | Cut the lemons into wedges and serve alongside the paella\nTHE BIG BOSH! BURGER\n\nSERVES 6\n\nWe do love a good burger, and creating a big, meaty-tasting burger was high up on our list of priorities. This one gets its richness from sweet potatoes, black beans, and a whole host of spices. It's packed full of protein and the soft patty gives a good, filling bite. To make this even better, add a helping of Ultimate BBQ Coleslaw to the top of the burger.\n\n14 oz sweet potatoes\n\n1 onion\n\nolive oil\n\n1\u00bc cups cooked brown rice\n\n3 tbsp breadcrumbs\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n\u00bd tsp black pepper\n\n\u00bd tsp ground cumin\n\n\u00bd tsp garlic powder\n\n\u00bd tsp smoked paprika\n\n2 tbsp all-purpose flour\n\n1 can (15 oz) black beans\n\nTO SERVE\n\n1 beefsteak tomato\n\n1 little gem lettuce\n\n1 large red onion\n\n6 burger buns\n\n6 tsp ketchup\n\n6 tsp vegan mayonnaise\n\n12 slices dill pickle\n\n6 slices dairy-free cheese\n\nPreheat oven to 390\u00b0F | Line a baking sheet | Large frying pan over medium heat | Food processor\n\n* * *\n\nPeel the sweet potatoes and cut them into \u00be-inch cubes | Put them on the lined baking sheet and bake for 30 minutes | Take them out of the oven and set aside\n\nMeanwhile, peel and mince the onion | Pour a little oil into the frying pan | Put the onion in the pan and fry for 10\u201315 minutes, until very soft | Transfer the onion to a large bowl and wipe out the pan\n\nPut the baked sweet potato in the food processor | Add the rice, breadcrumbs, salt, pepper, cumin, garlic powder, smoked paprika, and flour | Drain the black beans and add them to the food processor, then whizz everything up to a thick paste | Scrape the paste into the bowl with the onions and mix everything together with a spoon\n\nAdd a little oil to the pan and set it over medium-high heat | Divide the mixture into six and use your hands to mold them into patty shapes | Place the patties in the hot pan and fry for 3 minutes on each side, until golden\n\nWhile the burgers are cooking, slice the tomato into 6 thin slices | Separate the leaves of the lettuce and peel and slice the onion into thin rings\n\nBuild your burgers by placing them inside the burger buns, topping with ketchup, vegan mayo, and slices of tomato and pickle, lettuce, red onion, and dairy-free cheese\nRICH & CREAMY LASAGNA\n\nSERVES 8\n\nThis lasagna is easy enough to make and will impress your dinner guests no end. The b\u00e9chamel is creamy as hell and as long as there are no overlaps, the pasta will cook to perfection. This is perfect dinner-party fodder, or a treat for you and your loved one that will leave lots of leftovers\u2014it may be even better the next day. Check out the photo above.\n\n1 butternut squash (about 2\u00bc lb)\n\n3 medium eggplants (about 1 lb 10 oz)\n\n1 tsp chili powder\n\n\u00bc cup olive oil, plus extra for greasing\n\n3 tbsp balsamic vinegar\n\n21 oz baby spinach\n\n1 lb dried lasagna sheets\n\na few sprigs fresh rosemary, to serve\n\nFOR THE TOMATO SAUCE\n\n1 oz dried porcini mushrooms\n\n\u00bc cup olive oil\n\n1 red onion\n\n5 garlic cloves\n\n1 carrot\n\n2 celery stalks\n\n1 red bell pepper\n\n3 sprigs fresh rosemary\n\n\u2154 cup red wine\n\n2 cans (14.5 oz each) chopped tomatoes\n\n1 tsp superfine sugar\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nFOR THE B\u00c9CHAMEL\n\n3\u00bd oz cashews\n\n1 garlic clove\n\n\u00be cup + 2 tbsp unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n3\u00bd tbsp dairy-free butter or spread\n\n3 tbsp all-purpose flour\n\n5 tbsp nutritional yeast, optional\n\n2 tsp onion powder\n\n\u00bd lemon\n\n7 tbsp water\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Line 2 large baking sheets | Brush the inside of a 9 x 13-inch lasagna dish with oil | Boiling water | Large deep frying pan or Dutch oven over medium heat | Food processor, optional | Large saucepan with lid | Small saucepan | Medium saucepan | Blender\n\n* * *\n\nPut the porcini mushrooms for the tomato sauce into a large mug and cover with boiling water, then set aside\n\nPeel the squash, cut it in half, and scoop out and discard the seeds | Trim the eggplants and cut the squash and eggplant into \u2153-inch slices | Put them in a bowl with the chili powder and 3 tablespoons of the olive oil and toss to coat | Lay the squash on one lined baking sheet, the eggplant on the other | Put both pans in the oven and roast for 45 minutes\n\nMeanwhile, make the tomato sauce | Heat the olive oil in the large deep frying pan or Dutch oven | Peel and finely dice the onion and add it to the pan to soften for 3 minutes | Peel and mince the garlic, add to the pan, and cook for 3 minutes longer\n\nTrim and roughly chop the carrot and celery | Cut the bell pepper in half and cut out the stem and seeds | Remove the leaves from the rosemary sprigs by running your thumb and forefinger from the top to the base of the stems (the leaves should easily come away) | Put the carrot, celery, bell pepper, and rosemary leaves in the food processor and pulse a few times until all the veg are finely chopped (or do this by hand)\n\nAdd the chopped veg to the pan with the onion and garlic | Stir and cook for 15 minutes | Pour in the red wine, increase the heat to medium-high, and cook for 5\u20137 minutes, until the wine has cooked off but left everything a lovely red color\n\nScoop the porcini out of the mug and finely chop | Add to the pan with the liquid from the mug, the chopped tomatoes, and the sugar | Stir and simmer for 10 minutes longer\n\nRemove the pans from the oven | Drizzle the eggplant with the balsamic vinegar and mix well | If the butternut squash is very wet, drain it in a sieve, pressing out the liquid | Transfer to a large bowl and quickly mash\n\nAdd the eggplant to the tomato sauce and simmer for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the sauce has thickened | Taste and season with salt and pepper | Take off the heat and set aside\n\nPut the remaining 1 tablespoon oil into the large saucepan and place it over medium heat | Add the spinach and cover with a lid | Cook for about 5 minutes until wilted | Transfer to a sieve and squeeze out as much liquid as you can (or place in a clean kitchen towel and wring it out)\n\nNow make the b\u00e9chamel | Set a small saucepan of water over high heat and bring to a boil | Add the cashews and boil for 10 minutes | Peel and mince the garlic\n\nSet a medium saucepan over medium heat | Warm the plant-based milk in the microwave | Put the dairy-free butter in the pan and stir with a wooden spoon until it melts, then turn the heat right down and gradually add the flour, stirring vigorously until you have a doughy paste | Gradually pour in the warm plant-based milk, stirring all the time until you have a thick, creamy sauce | Keep stirring until the sauce thickens to the consistency of custard | Add the garlic, nutritional yeast, if using, onion powder, plus a pinch of salt and pepper | Squeeze in the lemon juice, catching any seeds with your other hand | Stir to mix together\n\nDrain the cashews and rinse with cold water | Put them into the blender with the 7 tbsp water | Blend to a fine cream with no bits | Pour the b\u00e9chamel into the blender and blend everything together\n\nCover the bottom of the greased lasagna dish with lasagna sheets, breaking them if necessary to make a complete and unbroken layer that will seal in the steam and properly cook the pasta | Spoon a third of the tomato sauce over the bottom of the lasagna | Lay a third of the spinach on top, followed by a third of the squash | Drizzle over a quarter of the b\u00e9chamel sauce | Repeat twice more with layers of pasta, then tomato sauce, spinach, squash, and b\u00e9chamel | Top with a final layer of pasta, using broken pieces to fill any gaps (try to avoid overlaps), and cover with the remaining b\u00e9chamel | Put a few rosemary leaves on top to garnish\n\nCover the lasagna with foil and put in the oven on the lowest rack | Bake for 50 minutes | Remove the foil and bake for 15 minutes longer; stand for 10 minutes | Serve with a green salad and a little balsamic glaze\nSPIRAL TART\n\nSERVES 4\u20136\n\nThis dish will test your arrangement skills (plus your patience!), but it's worth it for the photo-worthy result. This healthy tart is full of freshly roasted veggies with an ever-so-slightly spicy tomato base. It's best to use a peeler to get the optimum thickness, and make sure the height of the veggie strips is consistent for a nice, even tart.\n\n11 oz refrigerated pie dough\n\nflour, for dusting\n\n5 tbsp tomato puree\n\n\u00bd\u20131 tsp chili flakes\n\n1 oz fresh basil\n\n1 tbsp balsamic glaze\n\n3 eggplants\n\n4 large carrots\n\n3 zucchini\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Clean work surface dusted liberally with flour | Rolling pin (or use a clean, dry wine bottle) | Large bowl filled with water | 8\u20138\u00bd-inch tart pan with a removable bottom\n\n* * *\n\nUnravel the pie dough and roll it out on the floured work surface until it's a scant \u00bc inch thick | Drape it over the rolling pin and lift it into the tart pan | Gently press the pastry into the edges of the pan with your fingers to line the bottom and sides | Use a knife to cut off the excess at the top of the pan\n\nSpoon the tomato puree onto the bottom and spread it out evenly with the back of the spoon | Sprinkle with the chili flakes | Pick the basil leaves from the bunch and arrange them in an even layer all over the bottom | Drizzle with the balsamic glaze and set aside\n\nTrim the ends from the eggplants, carrots, and zucchini and slice the eggplant in half lengthwise | Use a vegetable peeler to slice each into thin ribbons and put them into the bowl filled with water to soak for about 3 minutes (this makes them more supple and easier to shape) | Remove and pat dry with paper towels\n\nTake 1 ribbon of each of the vegetables and lay them on top of one another, first zucchini, then carrot, then eggplant | Roll them up into a tight spiral to resemble a rose | Place the spiral in the middle of the tart | Start spiraling the ribbons tightly from the central rose all the way out to the edges, alternating from zucchini, to carrot, to eggplant\n\nOnce the tart is completely full of vegetables, season with salt and pepper and drizzle with the oil | Put the pan in the preheated oven and bake for 40 minutes | Test and if you prefer softer vegetables, cover with foil and bake 15\u201320 minutes longer | Take the pan out of the oven and slide the tart out of the pan\n\nBring your work of art to the table so that everyone can take a photo, then carefully cut into slices with a VERY sharp knife\nTHE BIG BOSH! ROAST\n\nSERVES 4\u20136 WITH LEFTOVERS\n\nWhether it's Christmas, Thanksgiving, or just a normal Sunday, a roast dinner is the epitome of traditional food. We've based ours around a glorious centerpiece mushroom Wellington, one that is rich, full of texture, and incredibly moreish, and goes great with any gravy. This meal should satisfy even the fussiest of dinner guests.\n\nRosemary & Thyme Roast Vegetables ingredients (see here)\n\nMushroom Wellington ingredients (see here)\n\nRed Wine Gravy ingredients (see here)\n\nPreheat oven to 390\u00b0F | Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper | 1 large empty saucepan with a lid | 1 large saucepan of boiling water over high heat | Large deep roasting pan | Shallow sheet pan | Large deep frying pan | Food processor | Pastry brush, optional | Pastry cutters, optional\n\n* * *\n\nStart with the **Rosemary & Thyme Roast Vegetables** by peeling and boiling the potatoes and parsnips following the instructions, up to the point when they're on their baking sheets and cooling to room temperature\n\nMeanwhile, assemble the **Mushroom Wellington** following the instructions | Once the **Wellington** is ready to go in the oven, set it aside while you get on with the **roast vegetables**\n\nFinish preparing the roast vegetables and put the baking sheet on the second rack of the oven, leaving enough space for the Wellington to fit on the top rack later | Set the timer for 20 minutes\n\nStart preparing the vegetables for the **Red Wine Gravy** following the instructions\n\nWhen the timer goes off, put the **Wellington** on the top rack of the oven and take out the **roast vegetables** | Gently shake the pan and return it to the oven | Set a timer for 30 minutes\n\n15 minutes before the timer goes off, finish making the **Red Wine Gravy** | Take the **roast vegetables** and **Wellington** out of the oven and transfer to serving dishes | Serve!\nMUSHROOM WELLINGTON\n\nSERVES 6\n\n7 garlic cloves\n\n5 sprigs fresh rosemary\n\n6 sprigs fresh thyme\n\n4 small portobello mushrooms (about 10.5 oz)\n\n1 tsp + 1 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 tsp salt, plus a little extra\n\n2 tsp black pepper, plus a little extra\n\n1 large red onion\n\n2 tsp light brown sugar\n\n10 oz cremini mushrooms\n\n\u00bd cup white wine\n\n7 oz vacuum-packed chestnuts\n\n9 oz pecans\n\n2 slices seeded bread (about 3 oz)\n\n2 sheets refrigerated rectangular vegan pie dough (16 \u00d7 10-inch)\n\n\u00bc cup unsweetened plant-based milk\n\nPreheat oven to 390\u00b0F | Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper | Large frying pan over medium heat | Food processor | Pastry brush, optional | Pastry cutters, optional\n\n* * *\n\nPeel and mince 4 of the garlic cloves using a sharp knife | Remove the leaves from 4 rosemary and 4 thyme sprigs by running your thumb and forefinger from the top to the base of the stems (the leaves should easily come away), then finely chop\n\nLay the portobello mushrooms on one of the lined baking sheets with the stems pointing up | Drizzle 1 teaspoon oil over the gills of each mushroom and sprinkle with a little salt and pepper | Divide the chopped rosemary, thyme, and garlic among the mushrooms | Put the pan in the oven and cook for 15 minutes | Remove and set aside\n\nMeanwhile, peel and finely chop the red onion | Add the tablespoon of oil to the frying pan | Add the red onion to the pan and saut\u00e9 for 10 minutes, stirring regularly, until softened\n\nWhile the onions are cooking, peel and finely chop the remaining 3 garlic cloves | Remove the leaves from the remaining rosemary and thyme sprigs and finely chop | Measure 1 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon of the pepper, and the sugar into a small bowl | Add the garlic, rosemary, thyme, salt, pepper, and sugar into the pan and stir everything around for 1 minute\n\nPut the cremini mushrooms into the food processor and whizz until very finely chopped | Tip them into the pan, increase the heat to high, and cook until softened and all the liquid has evaporated, about 5\u20137 minutes\n\nPour the white wine into the pan and stir it around for about 3 minutes, or until almost all the liquid has cooked off | Tip the mixture into a large mixing bowl and leave to cool for 5 minutes\n\nPut the chestnuts, pecans, and bread into the food processor and whizz until they resemble breadcrumbs (you may need to do this in batches) | Add to the bowl with the onions | Using a wooden spoon, thoroughly stir everything together until you have a thick dough-like mixture\n\nLay 1 sheet of pie dough on the other lined baking sheet | Spread half the chestnut mixture lengthwise down the middle of the pastry sheet | Use your hands to mold the chestnut mixture into a rectangle shape with a flat top, leaving at least a 1\u00bc-inch gap on all four sides | This shape will dictate the shape of the Wellington, so make sure it's nice and straight and level on top\n\nPlace the 4 cooked portobello mushrooms neatly on top of the chestnut mixture, stems facing up, making sure the sides of the mushrooms don't hang off the edges | Layer the rest of the chestnut mixture over the top, encasing the mushrooms | Smooth and shape into a neat, long, rectangular mound\n\nUsing a pastry brush or your finger, brush a little of the plant-based milk around the exposed pastry edge | Lay the second pastry sheet over the mushroom filling and press it all down well, ensuring there are no air bubbles | Seal the edges by pushing down all the way around the filling with your fingers | Trim any excess pastry from the edges, making sure you leave a \u00bd-inch raised border around the base of the Wellington | Set the excess pastry aside for later | Use a fork to crimp all around the edges of the pastry to firmly seal the Wellington and to make it look nice\n\nRoll out the excess pastry if necessary and use a pastry cutter to cut out shapes | Brush the Wellington lightly with the plant-based milk and decorate the top with the pastry shapes | Brush the shapes with the plant-based milk | Pierce some air vents in the top of the Wellington with a fork or sharp knife\n\nPut the Wellington in the oven and bake it for 40 minutes, checking after 30 minutes (if it looks ready, remove it from the oven) | Use a bread knife to carefully cut the Wellington into slices and serve\nROSEMARY & THYME ROAST VEGETABLES\n\nSERVES 4\u20136\n\n2\u00be lb russet or other fluffy potatoes\n\n5 medium carrots\n\n5 medium parsnips\n\n1 small butternut squash (about 1 lb 5 oz)\n\n1 garlic bulb + 5 cloves\n\n1 tbsp salt, plus a little extra\n\n\u00bd cup olive oil\n\n16 sprigs fresh thyme\n\n8 sprigs fresh rosemary\n\nPreheat oven to 390\u00b0F | 1 large empty saucepan with a lid | 1 large saucepan of boiling water over high heat | Large deep roasting pan | Shallow sheet pan\n\n* * *\n\nPeel the potatoes, carrots, parsnips, and butternut squash\n\nCut the carrots and parsnips lengthwise into halves or quarters and cut out any tough cores from the parsnips | Seed the butternut squash, then cut it into roughly the same size pieces as the carrots | Break the garlic bulb into cloves and lightly squash them with the side of the knife\n\nCut the potatoes into thirds or quarters and put them in one of the saucepans | Fill the pan with cold water, sprinkle in the tablespoon of salt (to make them extra fluffy), and set the pan over high heat | Bring to a boil and then cook for 5\u20138 minutes\n\nMeanwhile, put the parsnips into the other pan and boil for 5 minutes | Drain and transfer to the large, deep roasting pan to cool down\n\nPut the butternut squash and carrots into the sheet pan and toss in 3 tablespoons of the oil, half the thyme sprigs, and half the rosemary | Sprinkle with salt to taste | Toss it all together and set aside\n\nWhen they're done, drain the potatoes and tip them back into the pan | Put the lid on and shake the pan for 15 seconds to scuff the outsides of the potatoes, then tip them into the roasting pan next to the parsnips and let them cool down to room temperature\n\nNestle the remaining thyme and rosemary sprigs and the garlic cloves you squashed earlier in among the potatoes and parsnips | Pour the remaining olive oil over them and toss gently to coat\n\nPut the pan with the potatoes on the second rack of the hot oven and the pan with the carrots underneath (leave enough space above the top rack for the Wellington if you're making the full roast) and cook for 50\u201360 minutes | Toss the veg every 20 minutes to ensure they are evenly cooked on all sides | They should be golden and crispy on the outside when they're done | If you want to give them an extra crispy boost at the end, turn on the broiler and place one pan at a time under it | Keep a close eye on it; they should crisp up within just a few minutes\nRED WINE GRAVY\n\nSERVES 6\n\nA good gravy is the jewel in the crown of a great roast dinner, and this is a really good gravy. Try it drizzled over a plate of hot French fries for an indulgent Yorkshire classic.\n\n1 red onion\n\n1 small carrot\n\n1 celery stalk\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\n3 garlic cloves\n\n1 sprig fresh rosemary\n\n2 sprigs fresh thyme\n\n1\u00bd cups red wine\n\n4 cups vegetable stock\n\n3 tbsp cornstarch\n\n6 tbsp room-temperature water\n\n1 tbsp tomato paste\n\n1 tsp yeast extract (e.g., Marmite)\n\n1 tsp English mustard, prepared\n\n1 tsp dark brown sugar\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n\u00bd tsp black pepper\n\nDeep frying pan with a lid over medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nPeel and finely dice the red onion, carrot, and celery, keeping them separate on the cutting board\n\nPour the olive oil into the hot pan | Add the diced onion and cook for 2 minutes | Peel and crush the garlic cloves into the pan and stir everything together | Cook for 2 minutes until you've released the aroma of the garlic\n\nAdd the diced carrot and celery and the rosemary and thyme sprigs | Stir everything together on the heat for about 7 minutes, until the vegetables are well softened | Pour in the red wine and cook until most of the liquid has evaporated\n\nPour the vegetable stock into the pan | Turn up the heat so that it's bubbling nicely, then reduce to a gentle simmer, put the lid on, and cook for 10 minutes\n\nTake the pan off the heat and strain the liquid into a bowl through a sieve so that you're left with a clear stock | Pour it back into the pan and put it back on the heat\n\nPut the cornstarch into a small glass | Add the water and mix together with a fork, stirring really well to ensure there are no lumps\n\nAdd the cornstarch mixture to the pan and whisk continuously while the gravy bubbles away for 5 minutes, until you have a nice, thick consistency | Add the tomato paste, yeast extract, mustard, sugar, salt, and pepper and stir until well mixed | Pour the gravy into a pitcher ready to serve\n\n\"FISH\" & CHIPS\n\nSERVES 4\n\nReminiscent of a trip to the seaside, this dish is a great nod to the pub classic. A crunchy outer and soft middle give the tofu goujons a satisfying bite and the lemon and tartare sauce add a wonderful sharpness. Add some luxurious chunky fries and you have a dish to die for\u2014check out the photo if you don't believe us! Pass the salt and vinegar.\n\n2 containers (10 oz each) extra-firm tofu\n\nTartare Sauce ingredients (see here)\n\n4 large russet or other fluffy potatoes (about 1kg)\n\n3 sheets nori\n\nMinted Mushy Peas ingredients (see here)\n\nvegetable oil, for deep-frying\n\nketchup, to serve\n\n2 lemons, to serve\n\nsea salt\n\nFOR THE MARINADE\n\n1 lemon\n\ngenerous \u00be cup white wine\n\n1 tbsp caper brine (from a jar of capers)\n\n1 tsp salt\n\nFOR THE BATTER\n\n1\u2153 cups all-purpose flour\n\n5 tbsp cornstarch\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n\u00bd tsp black pepper\n\n1 cup ale\n\nTofu press or use 2 clean kitchen towels and a weight such as a heavy book | Large saucepan | Clean kitchen towel | Scissors | Toothpicks | Small saucepan | Large deep saucepan | Thermometer, optional | Cover 2 large plates with paper towels | 2 baking sheets\n\n* * *\n\nPress the tofu using a tofu press or place it between two clean kitchen towels, lay it on a plate, and put a weight on top | Leave for at least 30 minutes to drain any liquid and firm up before you start cooking\n\nOnce the tofu is pressed, drain away any liquid that has collected on the plate | Cut the block lengthwise down the middle so that you have 2 long rectangles, then cut across each rectangle to make 8 even-sized blocks | You should end up with 16 tofu pieces that are all the same size\n\nMake the marinade by cutting the lemon in half and squeezing the juice over a bowl, catching any seeds with your other hand | Add the white wine, caper brine, and salt and stir to combine | Add the tofu, turning to cover it in the marinade | Set aside to marinate, turning the tofu occasionally\n\nMake the Tartare Sauce following the instructions and set aside\n\nFill the large saucepan with water and bring it to a boil over high heat | Peel the potatoes and cut them into \u2153-inch-thick French fry shapes | Tip them into the hot water, bring it back to a boil, and cook for 5 minutes | Drain the potatoes, spread them out over a clean kitchen towel, and leave them to dry\n\nTo make the batter, put the flour, cornstarch, salt, and pepper into a mixing bowl and stir to mix | Slowly pour in the ale, whisking continuously so that no lumps form | Set aside once you have a smooth batter\n\nUse scissors to cut 16 rectangles of nori the same size as the sides of the tofu blocks | Take a piece of tofu out of the marinade and stick one of the nori pieces to it (the wetness of the tofu will help it stick) | Hold the nori in place with 2 toothpicks | Repeat so that all the tofu pieces have a piece of nori on one side\n\nMake the Minted Mushy Peas following the recipe and set aside\n\nHeat the oven to 350\u00b0F | Cut the 2 lemons into wedges for serving\n\nPour the vegetable oil into the deep saucepan so that it comes no more than two-thirds up the side of the pan | Set the pan over medium-high and heat to about 285\u00b0F (this is a fairly low temperature for deep-frying so if you don't have a thermometer, put a piece of potato in the pan to test the temperature: when it's ready the potato should float but take a little while to brown)\n\nPut half the fries in the hot oil and deep-fry for 3\u20134 minutes, then take them out with a slotted spoon and spread them out on the paper towels for a few minutes to cool down slightly | Put the rest of the potatoes into the oil and repeat, spreading them over the other plate of paper towels to cool | Turn up the heat and get the oil really hot, around 355\u00b0F (this should make a wooden spoon dipped in the oil sizzle around the edges)\n\nCarefully put the first batch of fries back in the hot oil and fry them for 4\u20135 minutes, until they're really golden and crispy | Take the fries out of the oil with a slotted spoon and spread them over one of the baking sheets | Sprinkle the fries with sea salt and put the pan in the oven to keep the fries warm | Bring the oil back up to 355\u00b0F and tip in the second batch of fries | After 4\u20135 minutes, remove and spread over the second baking sheet\n\nGet the oil back up to 355\u00b0F and line the plates with fresh paper towels\n\nTake the nori-lined tofu blocks and dip them into the batter in batches, turning them carefully so that they're completely covered | Carefully drop the battered tofu \"fish\" into the hot oil and fry for 3\u20134 minutes, until they're dark golden brown all over (you may need to cook them in batches if there isn't much room and so that the temperature of the oil doesn't drop too low) | Remove the tofu \"fish\" with a slotted spoon and drain the pieces on paper towels for 30 seconds, then carefully remove the toothpicks | Repeat so that all the tofu blocks are double-dipped in two coats of batter\n\nTake the fries out of the oven and immediately serve on warm plates | Divide the crispy tofu \"fish\" pieces among the plates and add large spoonfuls of Minted Mushy Peas and Tartare Sauce | Serve with tomato ketchup and the lemon wedges to squeeze over the tofu \"fish\" pieces\nMINTED MUSHY PEAS\n\nSERVES 4\n\n1 package (10 oz) frozen peas\n\n1 tbsp dairy-free butter or spread\n\n10 fresh mint leaves\n\n\u00bd lemon\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n\u00bd tsp black pepper\n\nSmall saucepan of boiling water over high heat\n\n* * *\n\nPour the peas into the boiling water and bring back to a boil | Cook for 3 minutes | While the peas are cooking, put the rest of the ingredients into a bowl and mix together with a fork | Drain the peas and add them to the other ingredients | Blend lightly with a stick blender while the peas are still hot, ensuring roughly half of them remain whole | Stir to mix in all the seasoning\nTARTARE SAUCE\n\nSERVES 4\n\n1 small shallot\n\n\u00bd lemon\n\n\u00bd tsp + a pinch of salt\n\n1\u00bd tbsp capers\n\n4 tsp minced cornichons\n\n1\u00bd tbsp chopped fresh tarragon\n\n2 tbsp chopped fresh chives\n\n1 tbsp chopped fresh parsley\n\nscant \u00bd cup vegan mayonnaise\n\nPeel and finely slice the shallot and put it into a bowl | Squeeze in the juice of the half lemon, catching any seeds in your other hand, and add the pinch of salt | Add the capers, cornichons, tarragon, chives, and parsley to the bowl | Add the vegan mayo and the \u00bd teaspoon of salt, and stir everything together\nWORLD'S BEST PESTO LASAGNA\n\nSERVES 8\n\nWe've been cooking and refining this pesto lasagna dish for years. It's an absolute showstopper: rich, flavorful, and healthy(ish). It'll take you a while to make since there are a few different parts to combine, but it's so worth it\u2014see the photos overleaf. Use light olive oil for a light, delicious pesto.\n\n2 eggplants\n\n2 zucchini\n\n2 yellow bell peppers\n\n2 red bell peppers\n\n1 tbsp olive oil\n\n12 lasagna sheets\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nFOR THE TOMATO SAUCE\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 red onion\n\n3 garlic cloves\n\n3\u00bd oz pitted black olives\n\n4 tbsp capers\n\n3 cups tomato puree\n\nFOR THE B\u00c9CHAMEL\n\n5 oz cashews\n\nscant 2 cups unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n3\u00bd tbsp dairy-free butter or spread\n\n3 tbsp all-purpose flour\n\n5 tbsp nutritional yeast\n\n2 tsp onion powder\n\n1 garlic clove\n\n\u00bd lemon\n\n7 tbsp water\n\nFOR THE PESTO\n\n2\u00bd oz pine nuts\n\n2 oz fresh basil leaves\n\n3 tbsp nutritional yeast\n\n2 garlic cloves\n\n\u00bd lemon\n\n\u2154 cup light olive oil\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | 3 baking sheets | Large saucepan over medium heat | Small saucepan over high heat | Medium saucepan over medium heat | Blender | 12 x 8-inch baking dish\n\n* * *\n\nTrim the eggplants and zucchini and cut them diagonally into slices about \u2153 inch thick | Cut the bell peppers in half and cut out the stems and seeds, then cut them in half again | Divide the chopped vegetables between two of the baking sheets, drizzle with the oil, and sprinkle with a good pinch of salt and pepper | Put the pans in the hot oven and roast for 20 minutes, then remove and set aside\n\nNext, make the tomato sauce | Pour the oil into the large saucepan | Peel and finely chop the onion and add it to the pan | Cook for 5\u201310 minutes, until soft | Peel and crush the garlic cloves into the pan, cooking for 2 minutes | Drain and roughly chop the olives and add them to the pan along with the capers, tomato puree, and a good pinch of salt and pepper | Reduce the heat to medium-low and leave to simmer for 25\u201330 minutes, stirring occasionally\n\nMeanwhile, put the cashews in the small saucepan, cover with water, and bring to a boil | Boil for 10 minutes\n\nTo make the b\u00e9chamel sauce, warm the plant-based milk in the microwave | Put the dairy-free butter in the medium saucepan and stir with a wooden spoon until it melts, then turn the heat right down and gradually add the flour to the pan, stirring vigorously until you have a doughy paste | Gradually pour in the warm plant-based milk, stirring all the time until you have a thick, creamy sauce | Keep stirring until the sauce thickens to the consistency of custard | Add the nutritional yeast and the onion powder | Peel and crush the garlic clove and add it to the pan | Squeeze the lemon juice into the pan, catching any seeds with your other hand\n\nDrain the boiled cashews and rinse them with cold water to cool them down | Put them in the blender along with the water | Whizz to a fine cream with no bits | Pour the b\u00e9chamel sauce into the blender and whizz together | Season with salt and pepper | Pour into a bowl and set aside | Clean out the blender\n\nTo make the pesto, spread the pine nuts over the clean baking sheet, put it in the oven, and toast for 3 minutes | Put them in the blender along with the basil and the nutritional yeast | Peel the garlic cloves and add them to the blender | Squeeze in the lemon juice, catching any seeds with your other hand | Pour in the olive oil | Blitz everything together until you've made a fine pesto | Taste and season with salt and pepper\n\nCover the bottom and sides of the baking dish with a thin layer of tomato sauce | Put a layer of lasagna sheets over the bottom, without overlapping them | Use broken up bits of lasagna to cover any gaps or corners\n\nSpread a third of the remaining tomato sauce onto the lasagna sheets | Place a third of the baked veggies on top | Spread a third of the cashew b\u00e9chamel on top, spreading it all the way to the edges of the dish | Drizzle a third of the pesto sauce on top | Repeat twice more, making layers of pasta, tomato sauce, veggies, and cashew sauce and topping with a long, arty drizzle of pesto\n\nCover the dish with foil, put it in the oven, and bake for 45 minutes | Remove the foil and bake for 10 more minutes | Take it out of the oven and leave it to stand for 10 minutes before serving\n\n**Greens & BOSH! Bowls**\n\nIt's protein o'clock\n\nGet real healthy with BOSH! Bowls\n\nAnd amazing greens\nTOMATO & POMEGRANATE SALAD\n\nSERVES 4\u20136\n\nThis dish is extremely colorful and tasty. The zingy fresh tomato contrasts with the sweet, juicy bursts of the pomegranate seeds and the explosion of flavor from the fresh herbs. This surprising flavor combination creates the perfect sharing side salad for an Italian pasta, or would serve as a super-healthy light meal or side for a BBQ.\n\n2 slices whole wheat bread\n\n\u00bc cup olive oil\n\n1 lemon\n\n1 tsp brown sugar\n\n4 drops Tabasco, optional\n\n14 oz baby tomatoes\n\n1 small red onion\n\nhandful fresh parsley\n\nhandful fresh mint\n\n1 pomegranate or 3\u00bd oz pomegranate seeds\n\n\u2154 cup pea shoots or other salad greens\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nMedium frying pan over low heat\n\n* * *\n\nCut the bread into \u2153-inch cubes | Heat 1 tablespoon of the olive oil in the pan and saut\u00e9 the bread cubes for 2\u20133 minutes, tossing regularly until they are browned on all sides | Tip onto a plate and set aside\n\nCut the lemon in half and squeeze the juice into a large bowl, catching any seeds in your other hand | Stir in the remaining 3 tablespoons of oil and the brown sugar and season with the salt and pepper and Tabasco, if using | Taste and adjust the seasoning if necessary\n\nHalve the tomatoes, peel and finely slice the red onion, pick the leaves from the parsley and mint, and add them all to the bowl | Remove the seeds from the pomegranate by rolling it first to loosen the seeds, then scoring around the middle and prising the two halves apart | Hold the halves over the bowl and tap the bottom of each half firmly with a spoon to release the seeds | Add the salad greens and croutons, toss gently, and serve to impressed guests\nLEMON & CHILI GRIDDLED GREENS\n\nSERVES 2\u20133\n\nThis artfully simple side goes with anything. The keys are not to add any oil until the asparagus are cooked and to get really black char lines for depth of flavor, so try not to move the veggies around in the pan. This is a fast and easy side that makes the asparagus wonderfully tasty.\n\n7 oz asparagus\n\n1 fresh red chili\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\n\u00bd lemon\n\nsalt\n\nDry grill pan over highest heat\n\n* * *\n\nBend the asparagus spears until they snap and throw the woody ends away | Lay them in the hot pan, perpendicular to the grill ridges | Leave for about 2\u20133 minutes for thin spears or up to 5 minutes for thick spears | Don't move them until they have developed deep black grill marks, then flip them over and repeat on the other side\n\nMeanwhile, rip the stem from the chili, cut it in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds, if you prefer a milder flavor, and finely chop | Once the asparagus spears are charred on both sides, drizzle with the oil and scatter on the chopped chili | Squeeze the lemon over the veggies, catching the seeds in your other hand | Sprinkle with a pinch of salt, stir, and cook for another 60\u201390 seconds | Take off the heat and serve immediately\nULTIMATE BBQ COLESLAW\n\nSERVES 6\u20138\n\nThis is an awesome coleslaw. It feels fresh and healthy, but is also drenched in naughty BBQ sauce, which makes it incredibly indulgent. Serve inside the Big BOSH! Burger or as a side at a BBQ.\n\n1 large red cabbage (about 2 lb)\n\nolive oil\n\n\u2154 cup BBQ sauce\n\n1 onion\n\n2 carrots\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nFOR THE DRESSING\n\n3 limes, plus a little extra\n\nscant 1 cup vegan mayonnaise\n\n1 tsp English mustard, prepared\n\n\u00bd tsp hot sauce, optional\n\n2 tsp salt\n\n1 tsp black pepper\n\ngood pinch of cayenne pepper\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Roasting pan | Pastry brush\n\n* * *\n\nCut the cabbage in half, cut out and discard the core, then chop into about 8 pieces. Tip into a roasting pan | Brush the cabbage all over with oil and cover with the BBQ sauce | Season with salt and pepper | Put the roasting pan in the hot oven and cook for about 45 minutes, removing when the cabbage is nice and blackened, but not burned | Let it cool down for 10 minutes\n\nHalve the limes for the dressing and squeeze the juice into a bowl, catching any seeds in your other hand | Add the rest of the dressing ingredients and stir to a smooth, well mixed consistency\n\nPeel and finely slice the onion | Peel the carrots and slice them thinly using a vegetable peeler or sharp knife | When the cabbage is cool enough to handle, slice the pieces finely\n\nPut all the veg in a serving bowl and pour the dressing over | Stir well, taste, and add more salt, pepper, or lime juice as desired\nGUACAMOLE POTATO SALAD\n\nSERVES 4\u20136\n\nThis is a winning creation\u2014it's creamy, rich, and luscious with a lime twist. This is the perfect side for a BBQ and brings back memories of childhood potato salads, but with a remixed, delicious Mexican flavor. This is a go-to dish of ours and we promise it will not disappoint.\n\n2\u00bc lb new potatoes\n\n2 tbsp dairy-free butter or spread\n\n1 lime\n\n3 avocados\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\n\u00bc cup unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n2 tbsp vegan mayonnaise\n\n2 tsp garlic powder\n\n2 tsp salt, plus a little extra\n\n1 tsp black pepper\n\n9 oz cherry tomatoes\n\n1 large fresh red chili\n\n\u00bd red onion\n\n1\u00bd oz fresh cilantro\n\nLarge saucepan with a lid | Blender\n\n* * *\n\nCut the potatoes into quarters (or halves if they're small) and put them in the saucepan | Fill the pan with cold water and add a large pinch of salt | Turn the heat to high and bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to low and simmer for 8\u201310 minutes, until the potatoes are cooked through | Drain and tip back into the pan | Add the dairy-free butter and stir so the potatoes are well covered, then set aside\n\nHalve the lime and squeeze the juice into the blender | Halve and carefully pit the avocados by tapping the pit firmly with the heel of a knife so that it lodges in the pits, then twist and remove the pits | Scoop the avocado flesh into the blender | Add the olive oil, plant-based milk, vegan mayonnaise, garlic powder, salt, and pepper and whizz to a thick cream, adding a splash more plant-based milk if needed\n\nDice the cherry tomatoes | Rip the stem from the chili, cut it in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds, if you prefer a milder flavor, then finely chop | Peel and finely chop the onion | Put the chopped vegetables into a large serving bowl and add the dressing and potatoes | Chop the cilantro leaves and finely slice the stems and sprinkle into the bowl | Stir everything together so that it's well mixed, then enjoy!\nFALAFEL BOSH! BOWL\n\nSERVES 4\u20136\n\nThis zingy, zesty salad with contrasting earthy falafel flavors is the perfect reward for a gym visit or as an accompaniment to a BBQ. You can make it ahead and, since it's so healthy, you can really fill yourself up and still feel great. Feel free to sub out the falafel if you just want a quick and easy Greek salad.\n\n3\u00bd oz leafy salad leaves\n\n1 lemon\n\nsmall handful fresh cilantro leaves\n\nhandful fresh mint, optional\n\nFOR THE HUMMUS\n\n\u00bd lemon\n\n1 can (15 oz) chickpeas\n\n3 tbsp aquafaba (water from chickpea can)\n\n1\u00bd tbsp tahini\n\n1\u00bd tbsp olive oil\n\n1 garlic clove\n\n1 tsp salt\n\nFOR THE FALAFEL\n\n2 cans (15 oz each) chickpeas\n\n2 small red onions\n\n3 garlic cloves\n\n1 cup fresh cilantro leaves\n\n1 cup fresh flat-leaf parsley leaves\n\ngenerous \u00be cup chickpea flour\n\n1\u00bd tbsp harissa paste\n\n2 tsp salt\n\n1 tsp ground cumin\n\n\u00bd tsp black pepper\n\n\u00bd lemon\n\nolive oil, for frying\n\nFOR THE GREEK SALAD\n\n\u00bd cucumber\n\n1\u00be lb mixed tomatoes\n\n\u00bd small red onion\n\n2\u00bd oz pine nuts (or any nuts)\n\n5 oz pitted black Kalamata olives (but any olives will do)\n\n3 tbsp red wine vinegar\n\n3 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 tsp dried oregano\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nFood processor | Large frying pan | Small frying pan\n\n* * *\n\nFirst make the hummus | Cut the lemon in half and squeeze the juice into the food processor, catching the seeds in your other hand | Add all the rest of the ingredients and blend to a smooth paste | Scrape into a bowl and set aside (there's no need to rinse the processor bowl)\n\nNow make the falafel | Drain the chickpeas | Peel and finely chop the red onions and garlic | Finely chop the cilantro and parsley | Put all the falafel ingredients except for the oil and lemon in the food processor | Squeeze the lemon juice into the processor, catching any seeds in your other hand | Whizz to a thick paste\n\nUsing wet hands to stop the batter sticking, pick out small pieces of falafel batter between your finger and thumb and create little balls \u00be\u20131 inch in width (about the size of a large marble) until you've used up all the batter\n\nPut the large frying pan over high heat and add the olive oil | Add the balls to the pan and cook for 2\u20133 minutes until golden all over, using a spatula to flip them halfway through (you may need to do this in batches)\n\nTo make the salad, trim and slice the cucumber, cut the tomatoes into wedges, and peel and thinly slice the onion | Set the small frying pan over medium heat and put the pine nuts into the dry pan to toast for a few minutes | Tip the chopped vegetables into a large bowl with the toasted pine nuts and olives | Pour in the red wine vinegar and olive oil, sprinkle with the oregano, and season with salt and pepper | Mix it all together\n\nGet out four to six big bowls and lay a few salad leaves into each one | Fill each bowl with big helpings of Greek salad, hummus, and falafel | Cut the lemon in half and squeeze over some juice, catching any seeds in your other hand before serving with a sprinkling of fresh cilantro and mint, if using\nBEET, ONION & SWEET POTATO SALAD\n\nSERVES 4\n\nWe wanted a salad with Beet, Onion, Sweet potato, and Herbs (B.O.S.H., get it?). We love beets and were keen to base a salad around them. This is incredibly tasty and can be made even more filling by using two sweet potatoes or sprinkling some more nuts on top for a protein boost.\n\n1 sweet potato (2 if you're hungry)\n\n4 garlic cloves\n\n\u00bc cup + 2 tbsp olive oil\n\n10 oz cooked beet\n\n1 small red onion\n\n3 tbsp white wine vinegar\n\n2 tsp hot sauce\n\n5 oz fresh or frozen peas\n\n3\u00bd oz baby spinach\n\nlarge handful fresh cilantro leaves\n\nlarge handful fresh mint leaves\n\n2 medium avocados\n\nhandful mixed nuts\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nPreheat oven to 390\u00b0F | Baking sheet\n\n* * *\n\nPeel the sweet potato and cut it into \u2153-inch rounds | Lay them on the baking sheet along with 3 unpeeled garlic cloves | Pour on the 2 tablespoons of oil and sprinkle with salt and pepper | Put into the hot oven for 20 minutes until soft and charring slightly at the edges | Remove and set aside\n\nMeanwhile, finely slice the beets and place them in a bowl | Peel and mince the onion | Peel the remaining garlic clove and finely slice half (use the other half for something else) | Add both to the beets | Pour on the white wine vinegar, the \u00bc cup of oil, and the hot sauce | Mix well and leave to infuse while the sweet potato bakes\n\nPut the peas into a small microwave-safe bowl, cover with a splash of water, and cook on full power for 4 minutes | Quickly drain and run under cold water to cool, then add to the large bowl | Add the spinach | Finely chop the cilantro and mint leaves and add to the bowl | Gently toss everything together\n\nJust before you're ready to eat, halve and carefully pit the avocados by tapping the pits firmly with the heel of a knife so that it lodges in the pits. Twist and remove the pits | Run a spoon around the inside of the skin to scoop out the avocado halves, then slice finely, trying to keep the shape of the avocado halves\n\nDivide the salad among serving plates | Put a neat line of sweet potato slices on each plate and add a small pile of avocado | Spoon the beets over the plate | Roughly chop the nuts and scatter them over and enjoy this delicious, healthy meal!\nSATAY SWEET POTATO BOSH! BOWL\n\nSERVES 2\n\nThis powerful salad combines some of our favorite ingredients: satay sauce, hummus, and sweet potato. It's gluten-free, healthy, and delicious! Peanuts feature heavily in this staple and incredibly moreish satay sauce of ours. Filled with protein and healthy goodness, this dish will leave you satisfied for ages!\n\n1 large sweet potato (about 10 oz)\n\n\u00bd red onion\n\nolive oil\n\n1\u20132 tsp chili flakes\n\n2 garlic cloves\n\ngenerous 1 cup cooked quinoa (homemade or store-bought)\n\n5 oz broccoli (about \u00bd medium head)\n\n1 avocado\n\nhandful crushed nuts\n\n\u2154 cup hummus (store-bought or see here)\n\n2 tbsp mixed seeds, to serve\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nFOR THE DRESSING\n\n2 limes\n\n\u00be-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n1 garlic clove\n\n1 fresh red chili\n\n10 sprigs fresh cilantro\n\n3 heaping tbsp good-quality crunchy peanut butter\n\n1 tbsp soy sauce\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Blender | Roasting pan\n\n* * *\n\nCut the sweet potato into 1-inch chunks, keeping the skin | Cut the red onion half into quarters and place in the roasting pan with the sweet potato | Drizzle with some olive oil, sprinkle with the chili flakes, and season with a little salt and pepper | Crush the unpeeled garlic cloves by pressing down on them with the back of a knife and add to the roasting pan | Put the pan in the oven for 15 minutes\n\nHeat the cooked quinoa in the microwave | Break the broccoli into bite-sized florets | Take the pan out of the oven and add the broccoli, mixing everything around with a wooden spoon | Put the roasting pan back in the oven and bake for 15 minutes longer, until the potatoes and broccoli are softened | Remove from the oven\n\nMeanwhile, make the dressing | Zest the limes, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into the blender, catching any seeds in your other hand | Peel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon and roughly chop | Peel the garlic | Rip the stem from the chili, cut it in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds, if you prefer a milder dressing | Roughly chop the cilantro | Add all the ingredients for the dressing to the blender and whizz it all up | Test for consistency, adding spoonfuls of water until it's runny enough to pour over the salad\n\nHalve and carefully pit the avocado by tapping the pit firmly with the heel of a knife so that it lodges in the pit, then twist and remove the pit | Run a spoon around the inside of the skin to scoop out the avocado halves, then slice\n\nDivide the quinoa between two serving bowls | Arrange the roasted vegetables and nuts on the top | Add a large dollop of hummus and the avocado slices to the bowls | Drizzle a little dressing over the top of each and serve the rest on the side before sprinkling with seeds to serve\nSOUTHWEST BOSH! BOWL\n\nSERVES 2\u20134\n\nThis was inspired by our desire to create the deliciousness of a burrito without the tortilla. It's a great source of protein and contains all your essential amino acids, making it a perfect post-workout meal for spring or summer. Fiery, citrusy, sweet, and fresh, it's an orchestra of healthy goodness. Plus, avocados\u2014need we say more?\n\n1 cup cooked basmati rice (store-bought or see here)\n\n1 can (15 oz) black beans\n\n1 can (7 oz) corn\n\n2 large tomatoes\n\n\u00bd red bell pepper\n\n\u00bd small red onion\n\n2 small avocados\n\n1 lime\n\n\u00bd fresh green chili\n\n1 tbsp olive oil\n\n\u2154 cup unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n1 tsp maple syrup\n\n\u00bd tsp garlic powder\n\n1 little gem lettuce\n\n1\u00be oz fresh cilantro\n\nhot sauce, to serve\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nMedium saucepan | Blender\n\n* * *\n\nTip the cooked rice into a mixing bowl, fluff it with a fork and transfer to a serving bowl\n\nDrain the black beans and corn and add them to the rice\n\nHalve the tomatoes, cut out the seeds, and finely dice | Trim any stem and seeds from the bell pepper and finely dice | Peel and finely dice the onion | Add the diced vegetables to the rice and fold together\n\nHalve and carefully pit the avocados by tapping the pits firmly with the heel of a knife so that it lodges in the pits, then twist and remove the pits | Scoop the flesh into the blender | Cut the lime in half and squeeze in most of the juice, catching any seeds in your other hand | Rip the stem from the chili, cut it in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds, if you prefer a milder flavor | Add the chili, olive oil, plant-based milk, maple syrup, and garlic powder to the blender and whizz to a creamy sauce with a thick drizzling consistency, adding a splash more plant-based milk if necessary | Taste and adjust the seasoning as needed\n\nFinely slice the lettuce | Chop the cilantro leaves and finely chop the stems | Add the lettuce and cilantro to the rice | Pour on the avocado dressing and stir everything together | Check the seasoning and add salt, pepper, or remaining lime juice to taste\n\nSpoon into bowls to serve, drizzled with a little hot sauce\nTHE BEST-DRESSED BOSH! BOWL\n\nSERVES 3\u20136\n\nThe combination of balsamic, fennel, and garlic here lends a unique flavor to the roasted veggies\u2014it's one of the most delicious ways to eat loads of goodness in one go. The dressing would suit any vegetables; just keep timing in mind to ensure they're properly cooked. Great as a light lunch, starter, or BBQ side.\n\n1 onion\n\n4 garlic cloves\n\n1 fresh red chili\n\n1 tbsp fennel seeds\n\n\u00bc cup olive oil, plus extra for drizzling\n\n\u00bc cup balsamic vinegar, plus extra for drizzling\n\n1 tbsp maple syrup\n\n3 tbsp tomato paste\n\n1\u00bc cups cooked puy lentils\n\n12 oz butternut squash\n\n1 fennel bulb\n\n7 oz cherry tomatoes\n\n1 yellow bell pepper\n\n1 red bell pepper\n\n1 zucchini\n\n1 avocado\n\n3\u00bd oz baby spinach or kale\n\nscant cup fresh flat-leaf parsley leaves\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Medium saucepan over medium heat | Roasting pan\n\n* * *\n\nPeel the onion | Peel the garlic | Rip the stem from the chili, then cut it in half lengthwise and remove the seeds if you prefer a milder flavor | Finely chop the onion, garlic, chili, and fennel seeds | Spoon into the saucepan and add the \u00bc cup of olive oil, balsamic vinegar, maple syrup, and tomato paste | Stir for 5 minutes, then add the cooked lentils | Stir to combine, remove from the heat, and set aside\n\nPeel the squash, cut it in half, and remove the seeds, then cut into \u00be-inch chunks | Tip into a roasting pan, drizzle with a little olive oil, season, and put the pan in the hot oven for 15 minutes, then remove\n\nMeanwhile, trim the fennel bulb, remove the core, and cut into \u2153-inch wedges | Halve the tomatoes | Cut the bell peppers in half, cut out the stems and seeds | Trim the ends of the zucchini | Cut the pepper and zucchini into \u2153-inch pieces | Add the fennel, zucchini, peppers, and tomatoes to the roasting pan with the squash and drizzle over a little more oil | Return to the oven to cook for 15 minutes, until tender\n\nWhile the vegetables are roasting, halve and carefully pit the avocado by tapping the pit firmly with the heel of a knife so that it lodges in the pit, then twist and remove the pit | Run a spoon around the inside of the skin to scoop out the avocado halves and cut into chunks | Wash and lightly chop the spinach or kale and roughly chop the parsley leaves\n\nRemove the roasted veggies from the oven and tip into a serving bowl with the avocado, spinach or kale, parsley, and lentils | Stir and serve\nTHE BIG GREEN BOSH! BOWL\n\nSERVES 2\n\nThis delicious dish is perfect post-gym fuel. It looks like a lot of food, but you'll wolf down the healthy greens and delicious dressing. Double up the recipe for a week's worth of turbo-sized lunches. This clever recipe uses the rice water to steam the veggies, so it's easy to cook and there's less cleanup.\n\n1 mug brown rice (about 1 cup)\n\n2 mugs water (about 2 cups)\n\n4 oz broccolini\n\n2 oz green beans\n\n1\u00bc cups canned mixed beans (or any bean, such as kidney beans)\n\n1 fresh red chili\n\n1 lemon\n\n2 oz baby spinach\n\n12 cherry tomatoes\n\n2\u00bd oz cashews\n\n\u2153 cup hummus (store-bought or see here)\n\nhandful fresh cilantro leaves\n\nsriracha or other hot sauce, to serve\n\nsalt\n\nFOR THE DRESSING\n\n1 garlic clove\n\n\u00be-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n1 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 tsp toasted sesame oil\n\n1 tbsp soy sauce\n\nMedium saucepan with a lid over medium-high heat | Boiling water | Steamer insert or metal colander\n\n* * *\n\nFill a mug with brown rice, pour it into a sieve, and rinse with cold water for 30 seconds | Use the same mug to measure twice as much boiling water into the hot pan | Add a little salt | When the water returns to a boil, add the rice, put the lid on, stir, and cook for 20 minutes\n\nMeanwhile, trim the bottoms from the broccolini | Top and tail the green beans\n\nNext, make the dressing | Peel and finely chop the garlic | Peel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon, chop, and put in a mug with the garlic | Pour in the olive oil, sesame oil, and soy sauce and stir\n\nAfter 20 minutes, take the lid off the rice and put a steamer insert or heatproof colander on top of the pan | Add the green beans and broccoli and pour over half the dressing | Put a big lid on top of the insert or colander and set the timer for 5 minutes, then check the veg and rice are done; if not, cook for a little longer | Once everything is cooked, turn off the heat and leave the lid off the pan\n\nDrain half the can of mixed beans (use the other half another time) | Rip the stem from the chili, cut it in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds if you prefer a milder flavor, then finely slice | Drain the rice if necessary | Cut the lemon in half\n\nTo assemble, divide the spinach between the bowls, followed by the mixed beans, steamed veggies, rice, and cherry tomatoes | Pile the cashews on top of the salad and spoon on a large dollop of hummus | Squeeze on the juice of the lemon, catching any seeds in your other hand\n\nDrizzle the rest of the dressing over the top and sprinkle with the cilantro leaves and chili | Finish by squeezing a tablespoon of sriracha or hot sauce over everything\nMAKE YOUR OWN BOSH! BOWLS\n\nBOSH! bowls are protein-filled bowls of deliciousness. They are typically filled with plant-based proteins, green veg, and a grain of some kind. They're perfect for after the gym, or just for feeding your hungry belly during a busy day. You can quickly knock them together with whatever you have in the fridge, just cover each of these bases to ensure tastiness and healthiness!\n\n**1. Choose your grain**\n\nBrown or white rice\n\nCouscous\n\nQuinoa\n\nRice noodles\n\nSoba noodles\n\nWhole wheat noodles\n\n**2. Add your protein:**\n\nBlack beans\n\nButter beans or lima beans\n\nKidney beans\n\nLentils\n\nPinto beans\n\nSeitan\n\nTempeh\n\nTofu\n\n**3. Trim and finely slice the vegetables, then roast or steam them and add to the bowl**\n\nAsparagus\n\nBeets\n\nBroccoli\n\nCarrots\n\nGreen beans\n\nMushrooms\n\nOnions\n\nPeppers\n\nSweet potatoes\n\nZucchini\n\n**4. Finely slice some raw veg and add straight to the bowl and stir everything together**\n\nAvocado\n\nChili peppers\n\nCorn\n\nCucumber\n\nGreens\n\nKale\n\nLettuce\n\nPeppers\n\nScallions\n\nSpinach\n\n**5. Chop the herbs, chuck into the bowl, and mix through**\n\nBasil\n\nChives\n\nCilantro\n\nDill\n\nMint\n\nParsley\n\nTarragon\n\n**6. Roughly chop some nuts or seeds, or leave whole and add raw or toasted and scatter over the top**\n\nBlanched almonds\n\nCashews\n\nChia seeds\n\nFlaxseeds\n\nHazelnuts\n\nMacadamia nuts\n\nMixed nuts\n\nPeanuts\n\nPecans\n\nPine nuts\n\nPumpkin seeds\n\nSesame seeds\n\nWalnuts\n\n**7. Choose your dressing and drizzle it over**\n\nBaba Ganoush\n\nBalsamic vinegar\n\nHummus\n\nLemon juice\n\nMango chutney\n\nMustard\n\nOlive oil\n\nOlive Tapenade\n\nProper Spanish Aioli\n\nRich Satay Sauce\n\nSoy or coconut yogurt-based dressing\n\nSoy sauce\n\n**Small Plates & Sharers**\n\nPimp out your mini-bites\n\nWith delicious sharing plates\n\nFor sides or tapas\nCAULIFLOWER BUFFALO WINGS\n\nSERVES 2\u20134\n\nThese delicious wings taste naughty but are actually healthy, since they're baked. The spices are gorgeously deep and the panko breadcrumbs give a crunchy coating that contrasts nicely with the smooth cauliflower. It's the perfect starter or dish to share with friends. We promise, you'll love it.\n\n1 large head of cauliflower\n\n1 cup + 2 tbsp all-purpose flour\n\n1\u00bc cups unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n2 tsp garlic powder\n\n1 tsp onion powder\n\n1 tsp ground cumin\n\n1 tsp paprika\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n\u00bc tsp black pepper\n\n1 cup panko breadcrumbs\n\n8 tbsp dairy-free butter or spread\n\n\u00be cup Buffalo hot sauce\n\nFOR THE RANCH SAUCE\n\n5 oz cashews\n\n\u2154 cup unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n1 tbsp lemon juice\n\n2 tsp garlic powder\n\n\u00be tsp salt\n\n\u00bc tsp black pepper\n\nhandful fresh parsley\n\n4 chives\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Line 2 baking sheets | Small saucepan of boiling water over high heat | Food processor or blender\n\n* * *\n\nAdd the cashews to the pan of boiling water and boil for 15 minutes, then drain and run under cold water to cool slightly\n\nMeanwhile, break the cauliflower into florets and cut the stem into bite-sized pieces\n\nPut the flour, plant-based milk, garlic powder, onion powder, cumin, paprika, salt, and pepper into a bowl and whisk to a batter | Pour the panko breadcrumbs into another bowl and rub them between your thumb and fingers to break into slightly smaller breadcrumbs\n\nTip the cauliflower into the batter and toss to coat | Transfer to the bowl of breadcrumbs, a few pieces at a time, and toss gently until well coated | Spread the cauliflower pieces over the lined baking sheets and bake for 20 minutes\n\nMeanwhile, melt the dairy-free butter in the microwave and stir in the hot sauce\n\nAfter 20 minutes, remove the pans from the oven, drizzle with the butter\/hot sauce, and carefully roll the cauliflower around until the pieces are fully coated | Put the pans back in the oven for 20\u201325 minutes, until a sharp knife glides into the thickest parts of the cauliflower and the outsides are really golden brown and crispy | Remove from the oven\n\nWhile the cauliflower is cooking, put all the ingredients for the ranch sauce except for the herbs into the food processor or blender and whizz for 1\u20132 minutes until smooth and creamy | Transfer to a serving bowl | Finely chop the parsley and chives and add most of them to the sauce, reserving a little for garnish\n\nServe the cauliflower wings while they're still hot on a serving plate, sprinkled with the remaining herbs and with the ranch sauce on the side\nSHIITAKE TERIYAKI DIPPERS\n\nSERVES 2\n\nOnce you've had your fill of these dippers, there won't be mush-room left in your belly for anything else (ahem)! They are crunchy and crispy, sweet and sticky, deliciously mushroomy inside and covered by a sumptuous sauce. A healthy bake with the luxurious feeling of a deep-fry, this is great nibble-fodder.\n\n5 tsp soy sauce\n\n9 tbsp water\n\n\u00bd tsp ground ginger\n\n\u00bd tsp garlic powder\n\n2\u00bd tbsp brown sugar\n\n1 tbsp cornstarch\n\n9 oz shiitake or wild mushrooms\n\n1\u00bc cups panko breadcrumbs\n\nFOR THE BATTER\n\n\u00be cup + 2 tbsp unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n\u00be cup + 2 tbsp all-purpose flour\n\n2 tsp garlic powder\n\n2 tsp onion salt\n\nPreheat oven to 390\u00b0F | Line 2 baking sheets | Small saucepan over medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nPut the soy sauce, 7 tbsp of the water, the ground ginger, garlic powder, and sugar into the hot pan and simmer gently until the sugar dissolves\n\nPut the cornstarch and remaining 2 tbsp water into a glass and stir with a fork until there are no lumps | Add to the pan, turn up the heat, and bring to a boil, stirring as you go | Reduce the heat and simmer for 2\u20133 minutes, stirring frequently, until the sauce is syrupy and viscous | Pour into a bowl and set aside\n\nPut all the ingredients for the batter into a mixing bowl and stir to combine | Cut any large mushrooms in half and add all the mushrooms to the batter to coat thoroughly\n\nPut the panko breadcrumbs into a large bowl\n\nOne by one, roll the battered mushrooms in the breadcrumbs and place them on the lined baking sheets | Put the pans in the oven and bake for 18\u201320 minutes, until the mushrooms are golden brown and crispy | Remove from the oven, put them in a serving bowl, and serve with the teriyaki sauce\nPOPCORN FALAFEL\n\nSERVES 6\u20138\n\nWe call these \"nom nom balls,\" and they are unacceptably good for a dippy dinner party. Crispy, crunchy, and moreish, you may need to make double helpings (served with hummus, obviously). They are the best dipping food we have ever tasted, good as a snack, great in pita, and an audacious way to enjoy a Middle Eastern staple!\n\n1 small red onion\n\n3 garlic cloves\n\n2 cans (15 oz each) chickpeas\n\n1\u00be cups all-purpose flour, plus a little extra\n\n1 cup fresh cilantro leaves\n\n1 cup fresh parsley\n\n2 tsp harissa paste\n\n1 tsp ground cumin\n\n2 tsp salt\n\n1 tsp pepper\n\n1 lemon\n\n1\u2154 cups panko breadcrumbs\n\n1 cup unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n3 cups vegetable oil, for frying\n\nDouble batch of Classic Hummus (see here), to serve\n\nLine a large bowl with a clean kitchen towel | Food processor | Large deep saucepan | Line a plate with paper towels\n\n* * *\n\nPeel the onion and the garlic | Drain and rinse the chickpeas and tip them into the bowl lined with a kitchen towel | Pat the chickpeas dry to remove as much moisture as possible\n\nPut the onion, garlic, and chickpeas into the food processor | Add \u00be cup of the flour, the cilantro, parsley, harissa, cumin, 1 teaspoon of the salt, and \u00bd teaspoon of the pepper | Cut the lemon in half and squeeze in the juice, catching any seeds with your other hand | Whizz to a thick paste that's not too sticky (if it seems too wet, add another tablespoon or two of flour)\n\nWith lightly floured hands, take teaspoons of the mixture at a time and roll them into \u00be-inch balls about the size of large marbles\n\nPut the panko breadcrumbs into a bowl | Put the remaining 1 cup flour, the plant-based milk, and the remaining salt and pepper into a bowl and stir them together until you have a thick, creamy batter | Dip 2 or 3 balls at a time into the batter, shake off any excess, and transfer them to the bowl of breadcrumbs, rolling them around until they are completely coated | Repeat until all of the balls are coated\n\nPour the vegetable oil into the large deep saucepan so that it comes no more than two-thirds up the side of the pan | Place the pan over medium heat | When a small piece of bread dropped into the pan turns golden brown after 60 seconds, you are ready to go\n\nFry the falafels in batches of 10 for 3\u20134 minutes, then turn them over and fry for a further 3 minutes, until deep golden brown and crisp | Remove from the pan with a slotted spoon and drain on the paper towels to remove the excess oil | Serve with hummus\nMAKI SUSHI ROLLS\n\nThese maki rolls are sushi with a BOSH! twist. Imagine the most delicious California rolls you can think of. The flavors really pop when these are combined with a bit of soy sauce, ginger, and wasabi. To make exotic DIY lunches, wrap them in foil and take them to work with you for the ultimate maki roll treat. See above for inspiration.\nGUACA MAKI ROLLS\n\nSERVES 4\n\n1\u00bd cups sushi rice\n\n\u00bc cup rice vinegar\n\n2 tbsp superfine sugar\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n\u00bd cucumber\n\n1 carrot\n\n2 scallions\n\n1 avocado\n\n4 sheets sushi nori\n\n2 cups guacamole (store-bought or see here)\n\nsoy sauce, to serve\n\nwasabi, to serve\n\npickled ginger, to serve, optional\n\nLarge saucepan | Small saucepan over medium-high heat | Large baking sheet | Sushi mat\n\n* * *\n\nCook the sushi rice in the large saucepan, according to the package directions and ensuring that it is dry and sticky with no excess water once cooked\n\nPour the rice vinegar, sugar, and salt into the small saucepan and heat until the sugar has completely dissolved | Let the mixture cool to room temperature and then pour it over the cooked rice, gently stirring until all the liquid has been absorbed | Transfer the rice to a large baking sheet, spread it out to help it cool quicker, and leave it to cool to room temperature, by which point it should be dry but sticky\n\nCut the cucumber in half lengthwise and scoop out the watery seeds, then cut it into thin matchsticks roughly the same length as the width of a nori sheet | Trim the carrot and scallions and cut into matches the same size as the cucumber | Remove the avocado pit by tapping it firmly with the heel of a knife so that it lodges in the pit, then twist and remove the pit | Run a spoon around the inside of the skin to scoop out the avocado flesh, then slice into matchsticks\n\nTake a nori sheet and lay it on the sushi mat, shiny side down | Spoon a quarter of the prepared rice onto the nori sheet, then dip the spoon in water and use it to spread out the rice to make a thin even layer, leaving a \u2153-inch gap at the farthest end of the nori sheet | Spread a very thin layer of guacamole on top of the rice | Lay a quarter of the avocado, scallion, carrot, and cucumber across the rice at the edge closest to you\n\nDip your finger in water and wet the exposed strip of nori | Use the bamboo mat to help you roll up the sushi from the end nearest you, compacting it as you go to ensure it is even and tightly wrapped | Repeat to make 4 sushi logs\n\nTo serve, use a very sharp wet knife to cut the rolls into bite-sized pieces, cleaning the knife with water after each cut (alternatively, leave them whole and eat as you would a wrap) | Serve with soy sauce, wasabi, and ginger, if using, on the side\nSATAY MAKI ROLLS\n\nSERVES 4\n\n1\u00bd cups sushi rice\n\n\u00bc cup rice vinegar\n\n2 tbsp superfine sugar\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n\u00bd cucumber\n\n1 carrot\n\n2 scallions\n\n1 avocado\n\nRich Satay Sauce (see here)\n\n4 sheets sushi nori\n\nsoy sauce, to serve\n\nwasabi, to serve\n\npickled ginger, to serve, optional\n\nLarge saucepan | Small saucepan over medium-high heat | Large baking sheet | Sushi mat\n\n* * *\n\nPrepare the rice and vegetables as for Guaca Maki Rolls\n\nLoosen the satay sauce by adding about 3\u20134 tablespoons water so that it's thick enough to hold its shape when rolled, but not too thick to spread\n\nTake a nori sheet and lay it on the sushi mat, shiny side down | Spoon a quarter of the prepared rice onto the nori sheet, then dip the spoon in water and use it to spread out the rice to make a thin even layer, leaving a \u2153-inch gap at the farthest end of the nori sheet | Spread a very thin layer of satay sauce on top of the rice | Lay a quarter of the avocado, scallion, carrot, and cucumber across the rice at the edge closest to you\n\nDip your finger in water and wet the exposed strip of nori | Use the bamboo mat to help you roll up the sushi from the end nearest you, compacting it as you go to ensure it is even and tightly wrapped | Repeat to make 4 sushi logs\n\nTo serve, use a very sharp wet knife to cut the rolls into bite-sized pieces, cleaning the knife with water after each cut (alternatively, leave them whole and eat as you would a wrap) | Serve immediately with soy sauce, wasabi, and ginger, if using, on the side\nBANGIN' VEGGIE KEBABS\n\nMAKES 8\n\nThese are delicious and very good for you! The marinades are super quick to put together; if you don't have a blender, chop and mix in a big bowl until you get the right consistency. This is a great one for making in advance, since the marinades and veggies can be stored in the fridge. These go so well with a dipping sauce, and are perfect for a quick meal or BBQ. See them in their glory here.\n\n2 red, orange, green, or yellow bell peppers\n\n1 red onion\n\n1 zucchini\n\n1 eggplant\n\n5 oz cherry tomatoes\n\n9 oz mushrooms\n\nRich Satay, Spicy Shashlik, or Asian BBQ marinade\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Blender | Small sheet pan | Wooden skewers, soaked\n\n* * *\n\nCut the bell peppers in half and cut out the stem and seeds | Peel the onion | Trim the zucchini and eggplant | Cut all the vegetables into 1-inch chunks, put them in a big bowl, and cover them with your chosen marinade | Stir everything together until it's really well mixed\n\nThread the marinated vegetables onto the wooden skewers, leaving 1\u00bc inches free at either end | Lay the skewers across the sheet pan, resting each end on the edges so that the vegetables are suspended above the bottom (as if they're being spit-roasted)\n\nPut the pan in the hot oven and roast for 20\u201325 minutes, until the vegetables are cooked through, deeply caramelized, and slightly crispy on the outside\nMARINADES\n\nBlender\n\n* * *\n\nPrepare your ingredients and then put them all into the blender | Whizz to a smooth paste\nASIAN BBQ\n\nMAKES A GENEROUS \u00be CUP\n\n2 fresh red chilies, stemmed\n\n6 garlic cloves, peeled\n\n1-inch piece fresh ginger, peeled\n\n\u2154 cup fresh cilantro leaves\n\n\u00bd tsp black pepper\n\n\u00bc cup agave syrup\n\n2 tbsp white wine vinegar\n\n2 tbsp soy sauce\nSPICY SHASHLIK\n\nMAKES 1 CUP\n\n2 large red chilies, stemmed\n\n2 green bird's eye chilies, stemmed\n\n6 garlic cloves, peeled\n\n2-inch piece fresh ginger, peeled\n\n2 tbsp sunflower oil\n\n2 tsp ground cumin\n\n1 tsp ground coriander\n\n1 tsp garam masala\n\n\u00bd tsp ground turmeric\n\n2 tsp smoked paprika\n\n\u00bd tsp chili powder\n\nsmall handful fresh cilantro\n\n2 tbsp tamarind paste\n\n2 tbsp cornstarch\n\n\u00bc cup white wine vinegar\n\n\u00bc cup plain soy yogurt\n\n1 tsp sea salt\n\n\u00bc tsp black pepper\nRICH SATAY\n\nMAKES \u00be CUP\n\njuice of 2 limes\n\n1 fresh red chili, stemmed\n\n1 garlic clove, peeled\n\n\u00be-inch piece fresh ginger, peeled\n\n\u2154 cup fresh cilantro\n\ngenerous \u00bd cup good-quality crunchy peanut butter\n\n1 tbsp soy sauce\n\n1\u20132 tbsp water, optional, to achieve runny consistency\nHOISIN PANCAKES\n\nSERVES 2 AS A STARTER\n\nEveryone's favorite Chinese sharer\u2014rich, salty mushrooms combine with the fresh green veggies and sweet hoisin sauce to create a starter that no one can refuse. This is delicious with Asian dishes like our Crispy Chili Tofu or Sticky Shiitake Mushrooms. You can also replace the pancakes with gem lettuce leaves and simply wrap them into little healthy parcels.\n\n2 tsp vegetable oil\n\n10 oz mushrooms (portobello, if possible)\n\n2 tbsp soy sauce\n\n1 tsp five-spice powder\n\n1 tbsp rice vinegar\n\n2 tsp toasted sesame oil\n\n1 tsp sugar\n\n\u00bd cucumber\n\n3 scallions\n\n5 tbsp hoisin sauce\n\n8 Chinese pancakes\n\nSmall frying pan over medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nPut the oil into the pan | Roughly slice the mushrooms, add them to the pan, and cook for 10 minutes until their juices have cooked off | Add the soy sauce, five-spice, rice vinegar, sesame oil, and sugar | Continue to cook, stirring continously until any additional sauce has mostly evaporated and the mushrooms are beautifully cooked and glazed\n\nMeanwhile, halve the cucumber and remove the watery core with a spoon, then finely slice into 2-inch matchsticks | Trim the top and bottom of the scallions and cut them into matchsticks | Put the cucumber and scallions on a small plate and pour the hoisin sauce into a small dish\n\nHeat the pancakes following the instructions on the packet\n\nWhen the mushrooms are ready, transfer them to a plate and serve them alongside their accompaniments | To assemble the pancakes, simply take a little of each ingredient and wrap them up into delicious pancake rolls\nFRENCH ONION SOUP\n\nSERVES 2\u20134\n\nA French classic presented in near-classic form. This is one for those long winter nights when you need something soothing and warming, great as a starter or served with chunky bread (perhaps spread with our Garlic & Herb Cashew Cheese) as a hearty meal for two. Be patient with the onions and you'll be rewarded with incredible flavor.\n\n1\u00be oz dried porcini mushrooms\n\n3 cups boiling water\n\n3 tbsp olive oil\n\n6 large onions (about 1 lb 10 oz)\n\n6 garlic cloves\n\n1 tsp brown sugar\n\n2 tbsp dry sherry or port\n\n\u00bd tsp balsamic vinegar\n\n\u00bd lemon\n\n\u00bd tsp sea salt\n\n\u00bc tsp black pepper\n\nchunky bread, to serve, optional\n\nLarge saucepan over medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nPut the mushrooms in a small bowl and cover with the boiling water\n\nPour the oil into the pan | Peel and finely slice the onions and add them to the pan | Peel and finely chop the garlic and add to the pan with 2 tablespoons of water | Stir everything together, reduce the heat to low, cover and cook very gently for 40 minutes, stirring every couple of minutes, until the onions turn a deep caramel color | Add a tablespoon of water every now and again to prevent the onions from sticking | After 40 minutes, add the sugar and stir\n\nStrain the soaking liquid from the mushrooms into a bowl, squeezing out as much liquid as possible (keep the mushrooms for making a risotto or something else) | Pour the soaking liquid over the onions, add the sherry and balsamic vinegar, stir everything together, and bring to a boil | Immediately reduce the heat to low and simmer gently for 10 minutes\n\nSqueeze in the juice from the lemon, catching any seeds in your other hand | Season with salt and pepper, spoon into bowls, and serve on its own or with chunky bread, if using, to mop up the soup\nSPANISH TAPAS\n\nLook no further for a Mediterranean feast! Any or all of these dishes would be great accompaniments to Pettigrew's Paella, served alongside Proper Spanish Aioli, Olive Tapenade, and a small bowl of olives. Or why not try them as party canap\u00e9s (if you can get past the garlic flavors!). And they would match perfectly with red wine.\nJANE'S PAN CON TOMATE\n\nMAKES 8 SLICES\n\nImagine an effortlessly simple Spanish bruschetta that's ready in minutes yet feels exotic. This one is a favorite of Henry's mum, Jane, and her well-honed Spanish palate.\n\n3 tomatoes\n\n3 garlic cloves\n\nsmall handful fresh parsley\n\n\u00bc cup olive oil\n\n2 tbsp white wine vinegar or sherry vinegar\n\nsugar, to season, optional\n\n8 slices good-quality bread\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nToaster or broiler | Coarse grater\n\n* * *\n\nGrate the tomatoes into a bowl | Peel the garlic and finely chop along with the parsley, then add to the bowl | Add the olive oil and vinegar and stir everything well | Taste and add salt, pepper, and even a little bit of sugar, if using, to taste\n\nSlice the bread into \u00be-inch-thick slices and toast or broil until lightly browned | Spread the tomato dressing all over the toast with a knife or the back of a spoon, rubbing the mixture into the bread, and serve\nGARLIC MUSHROOMS\n\nSERVES 4\n\nThese are incredibly easy to cook and so, so tasty. Feel free to use less garlic if you prefer, as this one's pretty punchy!\n\n11 oz cremini mushrooms\n\n5 tbsp olive oil\n\n\u00bd fresh red chili\n\n4 garlic cloves\n\n\u00bd cup dry white wine\n\n\u00bd lemon\n\nsalt\n\nLarge frying pan on a medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nTrim the mushrooms and cut them in half | Add the oil to the large frying pan\n\nRip the stem from the chili, cut it in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds, if you prefer a milder flavor, then finely chop and add to the pan | Peel and finely chop the garlic, add it to the pan, and cook for 1 minute before adding the sliced mushrooms | Fry for 3 minutes, stirring occasionally\n\nPour in the wine, turn up the heat to high, and cook for another 5 minutes, stirring frequently, until the wine has reduced down to just a tablespoon or so | Squeeze the lemon juice into the pan, catching any seeds in your other hand | Cook for 1 more minute | Season to taste with salt and more lemon, if desired\nPATATAS BRAVAS\n\nSERVES 2\n\nA staple in any good tapas restaurant, this is like the French fry's stronger, sexier Spanish cousin. The sauce is insane, the potatoes are perfectly cooked, the result is simple excellence. Feel free to use dried herbs if you don't have the fresh ones handy.\n\n4 potatoes\n\n6 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 onion\n\n8 garlic cloves\n\n4 fresh red chilies\n\n\u00bd carrot\n\n1 tbsp fresh thyme leaves\n\n1 can (14.5 oz) chopped tomatoes\n\n1 tbsp white wine vinegar\n\n3 sprigs fresh rosemary\n\n1 tsp paprika\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nLarge saucepan over medium heat | Medium frying pan over low heat | Large frying pan | Cover a plate with paper towels | Blender\n\n* * *\n\nPeel the potatoes and chop them into bite-sized pieces | Bring a large saucepan of water to a boil and add some salt | Add the potatoes and cook for 8\u201310 minutes until softened, but not falling apart\n\nMeanwhile, pour 1 tablespoon of the olive oil into the medium frying pan | Peel and finely chop the onion and 3 of the garlic cloves and add them to the pan | Rip the stems from the chilies, cut them in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds if you prefer a milder sauce, then finely chop and add to the pan | Trim the carrot, finely chop, and add to the pan with the thyme leaves | Cook everything for 5\u20137 minutes, until the onion and carrot have softened\n\nAdd the chopped tomatoes to the pan along with the vinegar and salt and pepper to taste | Let the liquid come to a boil, then turn down the heat and simmer for 10 minutes\n\nWhile the sauce is cooking, set the large frying pan over medium-high heat and pour in the remaining 5 tablespoons of olive oil, or enough to coat the bottom of the pan | Carefully add the softened potatoes and fry for about 10 minutes, turning them regularly, until golden and really crispy (the crispier the better)\n\nPeel and finely chop the remaining garlic and add to the pan with the potatoes | Remove the rosemary leaves by running your thumb and forefinger from the top to the base of the stems (the leaves should easily come away), then finely chop and add to the pan | When they are ready, transfer to the paper towels and sprinkle with the paprika and a little salt; they should be lightly browned and crispy on the outside\n\nTip the tomato sauce into a blender and whizz to a smooth paste | Give it a taste before serving and adjust the flavor if you like, adding more salt or pepper as you see fit | Put the potatoes on a plate, pour the sauce over the top, and serve\nPERI PERI HASSELBACK POTATOES\n\nSERVES 4\n\nHalfway between a baked potato and a French fry, this quirky way to serve potatoes looks impressive but is simple to prepare. This goes great with a Big BOSH! Burger or as a side for a BBQ.\n\n4 large white potatoes\n\n\u00bc cup olive oil, plus extra for drizzling\n\n6 tbsp nondairy yogurt\n\npaprika, to sprinkle\n\ngarlic powder, to sprinkle\n\n1 tbsp hot sauce\n\n1 tbsp chopped chives, to serve\n\nsea salt\n\nFOR THE PERI PERI SPICE RUB\n\n1\u00bd tsp paprika\n\n1\u00bd tsp onion powder\n\n1 tsp garlic powder\n\n1 tsp dried oregano\n\n1 tsp ground ginger\n\n\u00bd tsp cayenne pepper\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F\n\n* * *\n\nPlace one of the potatoes on a cutting board and lay a wooden spoon on either side (these will provide a stopping point so that you don't cut all the way through your potatoes) | Take a sharp knife and carefully cut very thin slices crosswise along the full length of the potato, stopping when the knife hits the spoon handles | Repeat until all the potatoes have been \"hasselbacked\"\n\nCut 4 rectangles of foil large enough to cover each potato | Put one potato in the center of each and pull the sides up to form little nests | Drizzle 1 tablespoon olive oil over each potato, making sure the oil gets in between all the slices\n\nMeasure the spices for the spice rub into a small bowl and stir to combine | Use a teaspoon to sprinkle equal amounts of the spice rub over, and in between the slices of, each potato | Wrap the potatoes up in the foil ensuring there are no gaps | Place on a baking sheet, put the pan in the oven, and bake the potatoes for 45 minutes | Take the pan out of the oven and set it down on a heatproof mat | Turn the oven up to 425\u00b0F\n\nCarefully open the parcels and flatten down the foil around the potatoes, being careful not to burn your fingers | Use the tip of a knife to lightly prise open the slices | Drizzle a touch more olive oil and sprinkle a little more salt over the potatoes | Put the pan back in the oven with the foil nests unwrapped and bake for 20\u201330 minutes longer\n\nSpoon the yogurt into a small dish and sprinkle with paprika and garlic powder | Spoon some hot sauce on top and swirl it into the yogurt | Take the potatoes out of the oven | Lift them out of the foil nests and transfer to plates | Spoon the spice oil that's gathered in the foil nests over the potatoes | Garnish with chopped chives and serve with the spiced yogurt\nALL THE SAUCES\n\nOh dips, how we love you. These quick-to-make, guaranteed-to-please dips add another level of flavor to any meal in this book and impress any of your dinner guests. They're perfect party fodder: try serving a selection with fries, bread, and sides for a buffet to rule them all. Or they are all delicious served with salads, pizzas, chips, crudit\u00e9s, you name it! See the whole selection in their rainbow of colors here.\nOLIVE TAPENADE\n\nMAKES ABOUT 1\u00bc CUPS\n\n7 oz black olives, such as Kalamata, preferably pitted\n\n2 garlic cloves\n\n3 tbsp capers\n\n\u00be cup fresh parsley, optional\n\n\u00bd lemon\n\n5 tbsp olive oil\n\nFood processor or stick blender\n\n* * *\n\nRemove the pits from the olives if they are not already pitted | Peel and crush the garlic into the food processor (or into a bowl if you're using a stick blender) and add the olives, capers, and parsley, if using | Squeeze in the juice from the lemon, catching any seeds in your other hand | Whizz to a rough pur\u00e9e\n\nPour in the olive oil bit by bit and give it a couple more pulses until very well combined, but still retaining some texture | Transfer to a serving bowl\nPROPER SPANISH AIOLI\n\nMAKES \u2153 CUP\n\n5 garlic cloves\n\n1 tsp sea salt\n\n\u00bd lemon\n\n\u00bd cup olive oil\n\nPestle and mortar (or use a small bowl and a wooden spoon)\n\n* * *\n\nPeel and thinly slice the garlic and put it in the mortar (or bowl) with the sea salt | Squeeze in the lemon juice, catching any seeds with your other hand | Bash to a fine pulp using the pestle (or wooden spoon) | Add a teaspoon of the oil and mash thoroughly into the garlic pulp, ensuring it is well mixed in | Repeat until all the oil is used up, making sure you only add a teaspoon of oil at a time and that each time the oil is fully incorporated before continuing, otherwise the mixture will split\nRICH SATAY SAUCE\n\nMAKES \u00be CUP\n\n2 limes\n\n1 fresh red chili\n\n1 garlic clove\n\n\u00be-inch piece fresh ginger\n\ngenerous \u00bd cup good-quality crunchy peanut butter\n\n\u2154 cup fresh cilantro\n\n1 tbsp soy sauce\n\nFood processor or stick blender\n\n* * *\n\nFinely zest the limes, then cut them in half and squeeze out the juice, catching any seeds in your other hand | Rip the stem from the chili into the food processor or bowl and remove the seeds, if you prefer a milder sauce | Peel the garlic | Peel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon\n\nAdd all the ingredients to the food processor or a bowl and blend until smooth | Test the consistency, adding 1\u20132 tablespoons water to get the sauce as runny as you like | Taste and season with more lime juice or soy sauce if necessary\nBABA GANOUSH\n\nMAKES ABOUT 1\u2153 CUPS\n\n2 medium eggplants (about 1 lb)\n\n2 small garlic cloves\n\n1 lemon\n\n2 tbsp tahini\n\n3 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 tsp cumin seeds\n\n\u00bd tsp smoked paprika\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\nany combination of fresh chopped parsley, chili flakes, and\/or harissa paste, to serve, optional\n\nPreheat oven to 465\u00b0F | Line a baking sheet | Food processor or stick blender\n\n* * *\n\nPierce the skin of the eggplants a few times with a fork | Put onto the lined baking sheet and place on the highest rack in the oven | Cook for 20\u201325 minutes, turning once or twice, until the skin is blackened all over | Remove to a bowl and leave to cool\n\nMeanwhile, peel the garlic and put it in the food processor (or a bowl) | Cut the lemon in half and squeeze in the juice, catching any seeds in your other hand | Add the tahini, olive oil, cumin, paprika, and salt\n\nCut the eggplant in half and use a large spoon to scoop out the flesh (or peel off the charred skin with your fingers) | Transfer the eggplant flesh to the food processor (or bowl) along with a few pieces of the charred skin to add flavor | Whizz until smooth\n\nTaste and add a little more lemon juice or salt, if needed | Garnish with a few toppings, if using, such as the chopped parsley leaves, chili flakes, and\/or harissa\nAMAZING CHILI SAUCE\n\nMAKES 1 CUP\n\n2 red bell peppers\n\n5 fresh red chilies\n\n3 garlic cloves\n\n7 tbsp white wine vinegar\n\n\u00bc cup sugar\n\n1 tbsp cornstarch\n\n2 tsp water\n\n1 lime\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\nStand blender or stick blender | Small pan over high heat\n\n* * *\n\nCut the bell peppers in half and cut out the stems and seeds | Rip the stems from the chilies, cut them in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds | Peel the garlic cloves | Add to the blender or a bowl along with the vinegar and sugar and blend until completely smooth\n\nPour into the hot pan, bring to a boil, then lower the heat to medium and simmer for 5 minutes\n\nPut the cornstarch in a mug with the water | Stir until the flour has dissolved and there are no lumps | Pour into the pan and continue to simmer, stirring continuously, for 2 minutes\n\nCut the lime in half and squeeze in the juice, catching any seeds in your other hand | Season with the salt | Remove from the heat and leave to cool\nULTIMATE GUACAMOLE\n\nMAKES A SCANT 2 CUPS\n\n1 fresh red chili\n\n\u00bc red onion\n\n12 cherry tomatoes\n\n2 ripe avocados\n\n15 sprigs fresh cilantro\n\n1\u00bd limes\n\n1 tsp salt\n\n1 tsp garlic powder\n\n1\u00bd tbsp olive oil\n\nRip the stem from the chili, cut it in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds, if you prefer a milder flavor, then finely chop | Peel and finely chop the onion and cherry tomatoes | Put the chopped vegetables into a bowl | Halve and carefully pit the avocados by tapping the pits firmly with the heel of a knife so that it lodges in the pits, then twist and remove the pits | Scoop the flesh into the bowl | Use the back of a fork or a potato masher to roughly mash the avocados, making sure you keep some lumps for texture\n\nDiscard any large stems from the cilantro and finely chop the leaves | Add to the bowl | Cut the limes in half and squeeze over the juice, catching any seeds in your other hand | Add the salt, garlic powder, and olive oil and stir everything together with a wooden spoon | Taste and adjust the seasoning as desired\nBANGIN' SALSA\n\nMAKES A GENEROUS 1 CUP\n\n2 fresh red chilies\n\n1 red or yellow bell pepper\n\n2 scallions\n\n3 tomatoes\n\n\u00bc cucumber\n\n1 lime\n\n2 tbsp red wine vinegar\n\nhandful fresh basil\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nRip the stems from the chilies, cut them in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds, if you prefer a milder flavor, then finely chop | Cut the bell pepper in half and cut out the stem and seeds | Trim and finely slice the scallions | Finely dice the tomatoes | Cut the cucumber in half lengthwise and scrape out the watery middle with a teaspoon, then finely dice | Put everything in a bowl\n\nZest the lime, cut it in half, and squeeze the juice into the bowl, catching any seeds in your other hand | Add the red wine vinegar and tear the basil leaves into the bowl | Season with salt and pepper to taste\nFIERY CHILI PESTO\n\nMAKES ABOUT 1 CUP\n\n1 garlic clove\n\n1 fresh red chili\n\n6 oz roasted red peppers, from a jar\n\n2 tbsp pine nuts\n\n1\u00bc cups fresh basil leaves\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n\u00bd lemon\n\n1 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 tbsp nutritional yeast, optional\n\n1 tsp agave nectar\n\n2 tsp tomato paste\n\nFood processor\n\n* * *\n\nPeel the garlic | Rip the stem from the chili, cut it in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds if you prefer a milder pesto | Add both to the food processor | Add the roasted red peppers, pine nuts, basil, and salt | Squeeze in the juice of the lemon, catching any seeds with your other hand | Add the olive oil, nutritional yeast, if using, agave nectar, and tomato paste\n\nWhizz together until everything is ground down to a creamy pesto, still with a bit of texture\nALL THE HUMMUS\n\nSimple, tasty, and universally loved, the wonderful hummus is a must in any discerning cook's repertoire. We like to freestyle with ours and create different flavors, each one a slightly remixed version of the original. So rather than give you one dish, here are eight ideas for how you could pay your own respects to the granddaddy of dips, the lifelong partner of falafel. Check out the photos overleaf to see the mouthwatering options.\n\nHummus is effortless to make\u20145 minutes with a blender and you are done. Our classic recipe is used in our Mezze Cake, Middle East Pizza, and would go well with pretty much any dish in this book.\nROASTED GARLIC HUMMUS\n\nMAKES ABOUT 1\u00bc CUPS\n\n1 large garlic bulb (5\u201310 cloves)\n\n1 can (15 oz) chickpeas\n\n1 tbsp tahini\n\n1 tsp salt\n\n2 tbsp lemon juice\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\n2 tbsp water\n\n\u00bd oz fresh chives\n\nPreheat oven to 320\u00b0F | Food processor\n\n* * *\n\nPut the garlic bulb on a baking sheet, put the pan in the oven, and roast for 30 minutes | Remove and leave to cool, then peel | Drain the chickpeas | Put the roasted garlic, chickpeas, tahini, salt, lemon juice, oil, and water into the food processor and whizz to a smooth paste | Finely chop the chives and stir them in at the end\nSUN-DRIED TOMATO HUMMUS\n\nMAKES ABOUT 1\u00bc CUPS\n\n1 can (15 oz) chickpeas\n\n1 garlic clove\n\n5 sun-dried tomatoes\n\n\u00bd tsp dried oregano\n\n\u00bc tsp sea salt\n\n2 tbsp lemon juice\n\n1 tbsp sun-dried tomato oil from the jar\n\nFood processor\n\n* * *\n\nDrain the chickpeas | Peel the garlic | Put all the ingredients into the food processor | Whizz to a smooth paste and serve\nOLIVE TAPENADE HUMMUS\n\nMAKES ABOUT 1\u00bc CUPS\n\n1 can (15 oz) chickpeas\n\n1 garlic clove\n\n\u2153 cup pitted Kalamata olives\n\n1 roasted red pepper from a jar\n\n1\u00bc cups fresh parsley leaves\n\n\u00bc tsp sea salt\n\n2 tbsp lemon juice\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\nFood processor\n\n* * *\n\nDrain the chickpeas | Peel the garlic | Put all the ingredients into the food processor | Whizz to a smooth paste and serve\nBURRITO HUMMUS\n\nMAKES ABOUT 1\u00bc CUPS\n\n1 can (15 oz) black beans\n\n\u2154 cup fresh cilantro leaves\n\n1 tsp ground cumin\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n\u00bc tsp black pepper\n\n2 tbsp lime juice\n\n2 tsp chipotle sauce\n\nFood processor\n\n* * *\n\nDrain the black beans | Put all the ingredients into the food processor | Whizz to a smooth paste and serve\nCLASSIC HUMMUS\n\nMAKES ABOUT 1\u00bc CUPS\n\n1 can (15 oz) chickpeas\n\n2 small garlic cloves\n\n2 tbsp tahini\n\n\u00be tsp salt\n\n\u00bc cup water\n\n2\u00bd tbsp lemon juice\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\nFood processor\n\n* * *\n\nDrain the chickpeas | Peel the garlic | Put all the ingredients into the food processor | Whizz to a smooth paste and serve\nPESTO HUMMUS\n\nMAKES ABOUT 1\u00bc CUPS\n\n1 can (15 oz) chickpeas\n\n1 garlic clove\n\n\u00be cup fresh basil leaves\n\n2 tbsp tahini\n\n1 tbsp nutritional yeast\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n3 tbsp water\n\n2\u00bd tbsp lemon juice\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\nFood processor\n\n* * *\n\nDrain the chickpeas | Peel the garlic | Put all the ingredients into the food processor | Whizz to a smooth paste and serve\nGUACUMMUS\n\nMAKES ABOUT 1\u00bc CUPS\n\n1\u00bc cups canned chickpeas\n\n1 avocado\n\n1 tbsp fresh cilantro leaves\n\n\u00be tsp salt\n\n\u00bd tsp chili flakes\n\n2 tbsp lime juice\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\n2 tbsp water\n\nFood processor\n\n* * *\n\nDrain the chickpeas | Halve and carefully pit the avocado by tapping the pit firmly with the heel of a knife so that it lodges in the pit, then twist and remove the pit | Scoop the flesh into the food processor and add the rest of the ingredients | Whizz to a smooth paste and serve\nSATAY HUMMUS\n\nMAKES ABOUT 1\u00bc CUPS\n\n1 can (15 oz) chickpeas\n\n3 tbsp smooth peanut butter\n\n1 tsp smoked paprika\n\n1 tsp chili flakes\n\n\u00bc tsp sea salt\n\n2 tbsp unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n2 tbsp water\n\n1 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 tbsp lime juice\n\n1 tsp soy sauce\n\nFood processor\n\n* * *\n\nDrain the chickpeas | Put all the ingredients into the food processor | Whizz to a smooth paste and serve\nFLUFFY NAAN BREAD & RAITA\n\nIndian meals are such fun and for us it's so much more satisfying to have a fluffy naan bread to complement your core curries. These breads and accompanying raita dip are quick to prepare and will ensure a home-cooked feast that transcends any takeout. The naans are easy enough; just give them a bit of time to rise. Trust us, it's worth it.\nBASIC NAAN BREAD\n\nMAKES 4 LARGE NAAN BREADS\n\nFOR THE BASIC NAAN DOUGH\n\n1 envelope (\u00bc oz) active dry yeast\n\n\u00be cup + 3 tbsp warm water\n\n2 tbsp sugar\n\n6 tbsp unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n2 tsp salt\n\n3 cups bread flour, plus extra for dusting\n\nvegetable oil\n\nLarge mixing bowl | Stand mixer fitted with the dough hook, or dust a clean work surface liberally with flour | Large frying pan | Rolling pin or a clean, dry wine bottle | Pastry brush\n\n* * *\n\nPut the yeast and warm water into the mixing bowl and stir to combine | Set aside for 10\u201315 minutes until the mixture has started to froth\n\nOnce the yeast has activated, add the sugar, plant-based milk, salt, and flour | Stir with a wooden spoon and bring it together to form a soft and sticky dough | Transfer the dough to the stand mixer, if using, and knead for 6 minutes; otherwise tip it onto the floured work surface, dust your hands with more flour, and knead for 10\u201312 minutes by pushing the back half of the dough away with the heel of one hand, folding it back over the dough, giving it a quarter turn and repeating\n\nClean and dry the mixing bowl and grease the inside with a little vegetable oil | Place the dough in the bowl, cover it loosely with plastic wrap or a plastic bag, and leave it in a warm spot for 60\u201390 minutes, or until it's doubled in size\n\nOnce the dough has doubled in size, knock out the air by punching it in the bowl and then knead for another 1\u20132 minutes | Dust the work surface with at least 6 tablespoons of flour | Turn out the dough and coat it in the flour so that it's no longer sticky | Roll the dough into a ball and use a sharp knife to divide it in half and then half again, so that you have 4 equal balls of dough weighing about 6 oz each | Roll each ball in flour again to prevent sticking\n\nDust the rolling pin or wine bottle with more flour and roll out the balls of dough to form rough teardrop shapes\n\nPour 1 tablespoon vegetable oil into the large frying pan and set it over medium heat\n\nOne by one, fry the naans for 5 minutes, turning them over halfway through, until golden and slightly charred on both sides (if they puff up during cooking, flatten them down firmly with a spatula to ensure they cook through) | Remove the naans from the pan\nGARLIC NAAN BREAD\n\nMAKES 4 LARGE NAAN BREADS\n\nThe classic. Garlicky and a little oily, this is so moreish it will guarantee you are full after your meal. You'll also feel like a master chef creating a naan from scratch.\n\nBasic Naan dough (see here)\n\n\u00bc cup olive oil\n\n5 garlic cloves\n\nsmall handful fresh cilantro leaves, to serve\n\nsalt\n\nLarge mixing bowl | Stand mixer fitted with the dough hook, or dust a clean work surface liberally with flour | Small saucepan | Large frying pan | Rolling pin or a clean, dry wine bottle | Pastry brush\n\n* * *\n\nMake the naan dough following the instructions for Basic Naan Bread\n\nWhile the dough is rising, pour the olive oil into the small saucepan | Peel and crush the garlic cloves into the pan | Set the pan over medium heat and cook the garlic until it turns just slightly golden, about 1\u20132 minutes (it will cook a bit more once it's off the burner, so make sure you don't overcook it) | Sprinkle with a small pinch of salt and set aside\n\nFry the naans for 5 minutes, turning them over halfway through, until golden and slightly charred on both sides (if they puff up during cooking, flatten them down firmly with a spatula to ensure they cook through) | Remove them from the pan and, while they're still hot, liberally brush each naan on both sides with the garlic oil | Scatter with some fresh cilantro leaves and serve immediately\nJANE'S MINT RAITA\n\nSERVES 2\u20134\n\nHenry's mum taught him this incredibly simple dish at a young age. It's basically just yogurt, mint, and veg, but the addition of lemon gives it a real zing. Feel free to experiment with different veg combinations; it can be made with fresh mint, but we find the tart mint sauce contrasts well with the sugar.\n\nscant 1 cup nondairy yogurt\n\n\u00bd onion\n\n\u00bd tomato, or about 6 cherry tomatoes\n\n\u00bc cucumber\n\n\u00bd tsp sugar\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n2 tsp mint sauce\n\npinch of cayenne pepper, plus a little extra to serve\n\n\u00bd lemon\n\nPut the yogurt into a bowl | Peel and finely chop the onion and add it to the bowl | Finely chop the tomato and cucumber and add them to the bowl with the sugar, salt, mint sauce, and cayenne pepper | Squeeze in the juice of the lemon, catching any seeds in your other hand | Taste and adjust the seasoning if necessary | Sprinkle over a little more cayenne pepper to serve for a splash of color\nPESHWARI NAAN BREAD\n\nMAKES 4 LARGE NAAN BREADS\n\nPeshwari naans are so sweet and delicious it's almost like eating a dessert. But a good one improves any savory dish it's eaten with, the little crumbly bits of coconut falling out adding an extra topping to your curry. They are surprisingly easy to make\u2014and totally worth it.\n\nBasic Naan dough (see here)\n\n3 oz blanched almonds\n\n3 tbsp raisins\n\n2 tbsp superfine sugar\n\n5 tbsp shredded coconut\n\n3 tbsp vegetable oil\n\nLarge mixing bowl | Stand mixer fitted with the dough hook, or dust a clean work surface liberally with flour | Blender | Rolling pin or a clean, dry wine bottle | Large frying pan\n\n* * *\n\nMake the naan dough following the instructions for Basic Naan Bread, up to where the dough is divided into 4 pieces\n\nPut the almonds, raisins, sugar, and coconut into the blender and whizz for 1\u20132 minutes, until you have a coarse mixture\n\nFlour the rolling pin or wine bottle and roll out one ball of dough to a rough round | Place a quarter of the filling mixture into the center of the round | Dust your hands with flour, lift up the edges of the dough with your fingers, and pinch them together in the center so that the filling is fully enclosed | Gently flatten the filled dough ball and roll it out into a rough teardrop shape | Repeat with the remaining balls of dough and filling\n\nPour the vegetable oil into the large frying pan and set it over medium heat | One by one, fry the naans for 5 minutes, turning them over halfway through, until golden and slightly charred on both sides (if they puff up during cooking, flatten them down firmly with a spatula to ensure they cook through) | Remove the naans from the pan and serve immediately\nRICE 3 WAYS\n\nHumans have been thriving on rice for centuries. Here we'll show you an awesome way to cook it, taught to Henry by his father, that will ensure your rice is perfect every time. And what's even better than rice? Fried rice, obviously. We love it as a speedy dish to enjoy on its own or to jazz up any meal. You can also speed things up by using precooked rice, which is available in most supermarkets.\nPERFECTLY BOILED RICE\n\nSERVES 1\u20132\n\nThis is a really neat way to ensure perfect rice every time. You could add a knob of peeled ginger, a slice of lemon, or a jasmine teabag for flavored rice. It's super simple. Just remember: double the quantity of water to rice, lid on, lowest heat, 12 minutes, BOSH! Works every time.\n\n\u00bd mug basmati rice (about \u00bd cup)\n\n1 mug boiling water (about 1 cup)\n\nsalt\n\nMedium pan with a tight-fitting lid over high heat\n\n* * *\n\nRinse the rice under cold running water | Drain and transfer to the pan | Add the freshly boiled water and a large pinch of salt | Put the lid on and bring to a boil | Give one stir with a spoon and immediately reduce the heat to the lowest setting | Put the lid back on and cook for 12 minutes | Don't touch the rice until the time is up\n\nAfter the timer has gone off, take the pan off the heat\nONION FRIED RICE\n\nSERVES 1\u20132\n\nThis wonderful rice will add a little extra to any Indian curry. It's quick, simple, but delicious. Try alongside our Rogan BOSH!, Creamy Korma, and Garlic Naan.\n\n1 small red onion\n\n2-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n2 tbsp vegetable oil\n\n1 tbsp cumin seeds\n\n2 tbsp soy sauce\n\n\u00bd tsp chili flakes, optional\n\nPerfectly Boiled Rice (see here) or 1\u00bd cups store-bought precooked basmati rice\n\nLarge frying pan over medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nPeel and thinly slice the onion | Peel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon and finely grate\n\nAdd the oil to the frying pan | Add the cumin seeds and fry for about 1 minute until they are a shade darker and aromatic | Add the grated ginger and fry for another minute\n\nAdd the red onion and continue to fry for 5\u20136 minutes, until the onion is softened | Add the soy sauce, chili flakes, if using, and the cooked rice | Combine everything together and serve immediately\nSPECIAL FRIED RICE\n\nSERVES 1\u20132\n\nThis gorgeous fried rice is good enough to eat on its own, but would also work perfectly with any Thai or Chinese main course. It's also great for a quick feed when you get home after a late night!\n\n3 oz firm tofu\n\n3 garlic cloves\n\n2 scallions\n\n1 small carrot\n\n1 small red bell pepper\n\n1\u00bd tbsp vegetable oil\n\n1 tbsp toasted sesame oil\n\n\u2153 cup green peas\n\n\u2153 cup corn\n\n1 tsp ground turmeric\n\n1 tsp curry powder\n\n\u00bd tsp black pepper\n\n1 tbsp brown sugar\n\n1 tbsp dairy-free butter or spread\n\nPerfectly Boiled Rice (see here) or 1\u00bd cups store-bought precooked basmati rice\n\n3 tbsp soy sauce\n\nhandful fresh cilantro, to serve\n\nsalt\n\nTofu press or 2 clean kitchen towels and a weight such as a heavy book | Saucepan | Wok or large frying pan over high heat\n\n* * *\n\nPress the tofu using a tofu press or place it between two clean kitchen towels, lay it on a plate, and put a weight on top | Leave for at least 30 minutes to drain any liquid and firm up before you start cooking\n\nPeel and finely chop the garlic | Trim the roots of the scallions, roughly chop the green parts, and finely chop the white stems | Peel the carrot and chop it into \u00bc-inch dice | Cut the bell pepper in half and cut out the stem and seeds, then slice into \u00bc-inch dice\n\nPour the oils into the wok or frying pan | Add the carrot, bell pepper, garlic, and scallions, leaving aside some of the green parts to scatter over later | Stir-fry for 1 minute\n\nCrumble in rough pieces of the tofu | Add the peas, corn, turmeric, curry powder, black pepper, and sugar | Stir-fry for another 6\u20138 minutes, until the vegetables are cooked through | Add the dairy-free butter, rice, and soy sauce and stir everything together | Season with salt to taste\n\nGarnish with the cilantro leaves and the remaining chopped scallions and serve immediately\nGARLIC & HERB CASHEW CHEESE\n\nMAKES 1\u00be CUPS\n\nIt's amazing how easy it is to make delicious, healthy cream cheese from mostly pantry ingredients. If we need a quick cheese to go in a pasta or on toast, this is our go-to recipe. Cashews are the magic ingredient here and you'll need a badboy blender to get the cheese nice and smooth.\n\n11 oz cashews\n\n4 tbsp water\n\n1 tsp salt\n\n2 tbsp coconut oil\n\n1 tbsp nutritional yeast\n\n1 lemon\n\n1 garlic clove\n\nsmall handful fresh parsley leaves\n\n6\u20138 chives\n\nMedium saucepan of water over high heat | Food processor or blender\n\n* * *\n\nPut the cashews in the pan of hot water and boil for 15 minutes until they are soft and have rehydrated (alternatively, you can soak them overnight in cold water) | Drain the nuts and tip them into a food processor or blender with 2 tbsp of the fresh water | Whizz for 60 seconds until you have a thick, smooth, creamy paste with no bits\n\nAdd the remaining 2 tbsp water, the salt, coconut oil, and nutritional yeast (you want a thick, gloopy consistency, so add more water if necessary) | Cut the lemon in half and squeeze in the juice, catching any seeds in your other hand | Peel the garlic and add it to the food processor or blender | Whizz for a few minutes until the mixture is very smooth, scraping down the sides with a spatula every now and then to make sure everything is mixed\n\nTransfer the completely smooth mixture to a bowl | Finely chop the parsley and chives and stir them into the mixture with a spoon\n\nLay out a large piece of plastic wrap on a clean work surface and spoon the mixture into the middle | Fold over the plastic wrap and roll up the cheese into a log, squeezing out any air and tightening the ends of the plastic wrap as you go | Refrigerate for at least 2 hours to set fully\n\n**Cocktails**\n\nWhen you're in the mood\n\nReach for the cocktail shaker\n\nAnd wow with these drinks\nEASY ALMOND BAILEYS\n\nMAKES 2\u2153 CUPS\n\nYou can make this quick version of Baileys in less than five minutes. It was inspired by our favorite bartenders, Susie and Tim, and it's the drink to cozy up in front of a movie with. Make a big batch and leave it in the fridge for up to a week; just give it a good shake before serving.\n\n1\u2154 cups unsweetened almond milk\n\n\u00bc cup Jack Daniel's\n\n3 tbsp freshly brewed espresso\n\n3 tbsp agave syrup or maple syrup\n\n1 tsp vanilla extract\n\nice, to serve, optional\n\nLarge pitcher | Shot measure | Tumblers\n\n* * *\n\nMeasure all the ingredients into a large pitcher and stir with a fork until mixed | Serve neat in tumblers over ice, if using\n\nSALTED CARAMEL ESPRESSO MARTINI\n\nMAKES 2 MARTINI GLASSES\n\nThis is a fantastic way to feel both sophisticated and a little bit excited. Just whack some caffeine in your drink to add instant liveliness to your evening. Espresso martinis are a go-to in the BOSH! household. Just make sure to be responsible\u2014one or two of these beauties is plenty! Everyone who tries this goes \"mmm\" and a photo is guaranteed.\n\n8\u201310 ice cubes\n\n5 tsp coffee liqueur (like Kahl\u00faa)\n\n3 tbsp + 1 tsp vodka\n\n3 tbsp + 1 tsp brewed espresso\n\n2 tsp caramel syrup\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n6 coffee beans, to serve\n\n2 martini glasses | Cocktail shaker\n\n* * *\n\nPut some ice in your empty martini glasses to cool them down | Fill the cocktail shaker with ice\n\nPut the coffee liqueur, vodka, espresso, caramel syrup, and salt into the cocktail shaker, put the lid on, and shake vigorously to mix\n\nPour into the chilled glasses, decorate with the coffee beans, and serve\n**SMOOCHIES**\n\nIf you're gonna be drinking, why not give yourself the gift of some nutrients at the same time? That's the inspiration behind our \"Smoochies\"\u2014hooch smoothies. Why not create your own Smoochie bar at your next party and let your guests make their own? We call this pre-hab\u2014getting your good deeds done in advance (of a boozy night, that is). Drink a few of these and you'll be merry but also glowing and full of antioxidants, vitamins, and goodness. You may still have a hangover, so don't drink too many!\nWATERMELON HEAVEN\n\nMAKES 4 MARTINI GLASSES\n\nThis is deliciously daiquiri-like, but filled with fruit and flavor and just a touch of merry rum.\n\n1 mango (about 8 oz)\n\n5 oz strawberries\n\n1 lime\n\n6 oz frozen watermelon chunks\n\n\u2153 cup green grapes\n\n1 slice fresh pineapple (about 3\u00bd oz)\n\n2 ice cubes, plus a little extra\n\n\u00bd cup spiced rum\n\nfresh watermelon slices, to serve\n\nBlender | 4 martini glasses | Paper straws, optional\n\n* * *\n\nPeel the mango and cut as much flesh from the pit as you can | Remove the hulls from the strawberries\n\nCut the lime in half and squeeze the juice into the blender, catching any seeds in your other hand, then add all the fruit and the ice cubes | Pour in the rum | Whizz it all up until it's like a thick, cold slushy | Add more ice if you need to make it thicker\n\nServe in martini glasses with slices of fresh watermelon on the side and paper straws, if using\nGINGER NINJA\n\nMAKES 4 GLASSES\n\nGinger, carrots, orange and vodka\u2014that's gotta be healthy, right? It's also delicious. This really is a guilt-free party!\n\n1-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n10 oz carrots (3 medium)\n\n1 orange\n\n\u2154 cup water\n\n2 tbsp maple or agave syrup\n\n\u2154 cup vodka\n\n\u00bd lime\n\nice, to serve\n\nBlender | 4 highball glasses\n\n* * *\n\nPeel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon | Trim the carrots | Peel the orange and remove the pith\n\nPut the ginger, carrots, orange, water, syrup, and vodka into the blender | Squeeze in the lime juice, catching any seeds in your other hand, and whizz until completely smooth\n\nFill the glasses with ice, pour over the drink, and enjoy!\nFRUITY FIRE\n\nMAKES 4 GLASSES\n\nFresh watermelon is a delicious, feel-good ingredient guaranteed to make you feel healthy and happy all at the same time. Add strawberries, banana, pineapple, and lime and you are in for a win! This is ready-made summer in a glass, and full of natural goodness.\n\n4 oz fresh strawberries, plus 4 to serve\n\n\u00bd ripe banana (about 1\u00be oz)\n\n3\u00bd oz fresh pineapple\n\n8 oz fresh watermelon (without the rind)\n\n1 lime\n\n\u00bd orange\n\n\u2154\u2013\u00be cup spiced rum\n\nice, to serve\n\nBlender | 4 highball glasses\n\n* * *\n\nRemove the hulls from the strawberries and peel the banana | Cut the skin off the pineapple and trim the top and bottom, then cut into chunks | Add all the fruit to the blender, squeezing in the lime and orange juice, catching any seeds in your other hand | Whizz until smooth | Add \u2154 cup of the rum, and add more to taste\n\nPut some ice in your serving glasses | Pour in the boozy smoothie and garnish with a strawberry wedged onto the side of each glass\nMANGO HARD\n\nMAKES 4 GLASSES\n\nWe are big rum fans and the combination of mango, banana, and spiced rum is simply delicious. It'll transport you away to a beach in the Caribbean, if only for a moment. And the goodness in all the fruit has gotta be good in your body, right?\n\n\u00bd apple (about 3 oz)\n\n1 orange (about 4 oz peeled weight)\n\n\u00bd banana (about 1\u00be oz)\n\n\u00bd mango (about 4 oz)\n\n1 cup (about 4 oz) ice cubes, plus extra to serve\n\n\u00bd\u2013\u2154 cup spiced rum\n\n1 lime, to serve\n\nBlender | 4 highball glasses\n\n* * *\n\nPeel and core the apple | Peel the orange and remove the pith | Peel the banana | Peel the mango and cut as much flesh as you can from the pit | Add all the fruit except the lime to the blender with the ice cubes and the spiced rum and whizz until smooth | Cut the lime into slices\n\nServe the smoochie with ice and the slices of fresh lime\nMIAMI VICE\n\nMAKES TWO 16-OZ GLASSES\n\nHenry discovered this cocktail on a trip to the Bahamas and the flavors will take you straight there. It's an unbelievably tasty mix of strawberry daiquiri and pi\u00f1a colada\u2014the perfect summer cocktail\u2014and it's super impressive to behold. Get it really thick as it will melt as you drink it\u2014you'll need a straw for this one!\n\nFOR SIMPLE SYRUP (WITH LEFTOVERS)\n\n1 cup water\n\n1 cup superfine sugar\n\nFOR THE STRAWBERRY DAIQUIRI\n\n9 oz strawberries\n\n1 tbsp grenadine\n\n\u00bc cup white rum\n\n12\u201324 ice cubes\n\nFOR THE PI\u00d1A COLADA\n\n3 tbsp coconut cream\n\n3 tbsp pineapple juice\n\npineapple slice, optional\n\n\u00bc cup white rum\n\n12\u201324 ice cubes\n\n2 strawberries, to decorate\n\nSmall saucepan over medium heat | Blender | Pitcher | Two 16-oz glasses | Straws (we recommend paper straws\u2014they're better for the planet!)\n\n* * *\n\nTo make a simple syrup, put the water and sugar into the saucepan and warm through for about 5 minutes, stirring continuously until all the sugar has dissolved | Remove from the heat and leave to cool | Keep any syrup you don't use in the fridge for another time\n\nNext make the strawberry daiquiri | Remove the hulls from the strawberries and put the fruits into the blender with the grenadine, white rum, and 3 tbsp of the simple syrup you made earlier | Add 12 ice cubes and blend to a beautiful pur\u00e9e | If it's not so thick that it hardly moves, add more ice; you are looking for a thick, snow-like consistency | Once it's a very thick, smooth pur\u00e9e, pour it into a pitcher | Rinse out the blender\n\nNow make the pi\u00f1a colada | Put the coconut cream, pineapple juice, 3 tbsp simple syrup, pineapple slice, if using, and white rum into the blender | Add 12 ice cubes and blend, aiming for a thick, stiff-peak consistency as before | Add more ice if you need to\n\nPut a large wooden or metal serving spoon in the middle of one of the glasses | Pour both cocktail mixtures into the glass at the same time, one on either side of the spoon (you may need a friend to help you with this) | Pour all the way to the top, leaving a nice icy bump way above the top of the glass | Remove the spoon | Repeat with the second glass | Top your cocktails with fresh strawberries, pop in straws, and enjoy your culinary trip to the Bahamas!\nMOJITOS\n\nRum. Lime. Mint. Spice. A quartet of wins makes these mojitos amazing. Perfect on a summer's day, they are fresh, crispy, and sweet, but with exotic, spicy flavors that are perfect with Asian dishes. Mojitos are usually made with a muddler to squash the lime, but the bottom of a rolling pin or a spoon will work just fine.\nSPICY MOJITO\n\nMAKES 4 GLASSES\n\n4 limes\n\n24 fresh mint leaves, plus 4 sprigs to serve\n\n8 tsp superfine sugar\n\n2 tsp Tabasco sauce\n\n4 handfuls ice\n\n2 cups white rum\n\n2 cups soda water\n\n4 fresh bird's eye chilies\n\n4 highball glasses | Muddler or rolling pin\n\n* * *\n\nCut the limes into wedges and divide them between the glasses | Muddle (squash) them into the bottom of the glass to release the juices (be careful not to break the glass if it's thin)\n\nDivide the mint leaves and the sugar among the glasses | Add the Tabasco sauce (use a little or a lot; this really depends on your palate) | Lightly crush everything together with the muddler to make sure the flavors are well mixed\n\nFill the glasses with ice | Pour the rum among them and stir everything together until the sugar has dissolved | Pick the leaves from the sprigs of mint\n\nPut a little soda water into the glasses as a topper, garnish with fresh mint leaves, add a chili to each glass, and serve\nGINGER & LEMONGRASS MOJITO\n\nMAKES 4 GLASSES\n\n3 limes\n\n24 fresh mint leaves, plus 4 sprigs to serve\n\n4 handfuls ice\n\n2 cups white rum\n\n2 cups club soda\n\n4 sprigs fresh mint\n\nFOR THE FLAVORED SYRUP\n\n2-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n3-inch lemongrass stalk\n\n1 lime\n\n6 tbsp sugar\n\n6 tbsp water\n\nSmall saucepan | 4 highball glasses | Muddler or rolling pin\n\n* * *\n\nFirst make the flavored syrup | Peel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon and grate it into the saucepan | Trim the root of the lemongrass, peel away the tough outer layers, and chop into small pieces, then add to the pan | Cut the lime in half and squeeze in the juice, catching any seeds in your other hand | Add the sugar and water and stir everything together\n\nSet the pan over medium heat for about 5 minutes, stirring all the time so the sugar dissolves | Take off the heat and set aside to cool to room temperature | Strain into a pitcher through a sieve\n\nCut the 3 limes into wedges and divide them among the glasses along with the mint leaves | Squash into the bottom of the glass with a muddler or the end of a rolling pin to release the juices (be careful not to break the glass if it's thin)\n\nPut a handful of ice into each glass and pour a measure of rum and a measure of syrup into each one | Stir everything together | Add a splash of club soda into each glass and garnish with sprigs of fresh mint\nWATERMELON J\u00c4GERBOMB PUNCH\n\nSERVES 8\n\nWe came up with this at the end of the first-ever BOSH! shoot. We had a watermelon, a Galia melon, energy drink, and a bottle of J\u00e4germeister. We put the video live and it had 20 million views within a week! Use a really big watermelon and give the outside of the Galia melon a really good scrub before you put it inside.\n\n1 very large watermelon (at least 1\u00bd-ft diameter)\n\n1 Galia melon (that will comfortably fit inside your watermelon)\n\n2 cans (8 fl oz each) energy drink\n\n8\u201312 ice cubes\n\nhandful fresh strawberries or blueberries\n\n1\u00bd cups J\u00e4germeister\n\nStand blender or stick blender\n\n* * *\n\nChoose which side will be the bottom of the watermelon; if it doesn't stand up straight, use a knife to slice a very small sliver off the bottom | Once it's standing upright, cut horizontally across the middle | Take off the top and keep it for another recipe\n\nScoop out all the watermelon flesh and seeds from the bottom half until the inside looks neat | Transfer the flesh to the blender and blend (or use a stick blender and a bowl), then pour into a large bowl through a sieve to remove any seeds\n\nScrub the Galia melon with a brush to make sure it's clean | Lay it on its side and slice off the top 1\u00bd inches | Scoop out the seeds and discard | Scoop out the melon flesh and transfer it to the blender | Whizz and then pour through a sieve into the bowl with the watermelon juice | Save the melon shell; this will act as your shot glass\n\nPour the energy drinks into the melon juice and stir | Now pour half the juice mixture into the hollowed-out watermelon | Carefully place the hollowed-out Galia melon into the middle of the watermelon so that it's floating in the melon juice\n\nDrop ice cubes and berries into the melon juice around the edges | Pour the J\u00e4germeister into the Galia melon (don't fill it too much in case it sinks) | Top up the edges with more melon juice to fill the watermelon bowl (you might have some left over, which you can use to refill later on)\n\nTake the watermelon to the party, lift out the Galia \"shot glass,\" and drop it back into the watermelon punch bowl in front of all your guests so that the J\u00e4germeister spills into the melon juice | Wait for the applause\n\n**Desserts**\n\nPlease your mouth with these\n\nScrumptious desserts and baked goods\n\nTo make your friends smile\nSHIRLEY'S SHEFFIELD SCONES\n\nMAKES 8\n\nIan's mum, Shirley, always makes him a batch of these wonderful scones when he's back home. They are really tasty, easy, and incredibly addictive. The cashew clotted cream is amazing, and combined with the crumbly scones and sweet jam gives a flavor and texture sensation. Be careful not to overbake them; you're looking for a very light color.\n\n2 cups self-rising flour\n\n3 tbsp + 1 tsp superfine sugar\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n2\u00bd tbsp dairy-free butter or spread\n\n\u00bd cup unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n\u2153 cup golden raisins\n\nraspberry jam, to serve\n\nFOR THE CASHEW CREAM\n\n5 oz cashews\n\n1\u00bd tbsp powdered sugar\n\nPreheat oven to 390\u00b0F | Line a baking sheet | Small saucepan of boiling water | Food processor | Blender or hand mixer | Cooling rack\n\n* * *\n\nTo make the cashew cream, put the cashews into the boiling water and cook for 15 minutes | Take off the heat, strain, and run under cold water to cool slightly | Put them into the blender with the powdered sugar and a splash of water and whizz to a thick cream (or use a hand mixer), adding more water if the mixture is too thick\n\nMeanwhile, put the flour, superfine sugar, salt, dairy-free butter, and plant-based milk into the food processor and whizz to a dough | Take the blade out, tip in the raisins, and fold them into the mixture\n\nPull out roughly golf-ball-sized pieces of dough (about 1\u00bc inches each) and roll them into balls between your palms | Place on the lined baking sheet and squash until they're roughly \u2153 inch thick, leaving a little space between them as they will expand in the oven | Put the baking sheet in the oven and bake for roughly 12 minutes, until lightly golden | Remove and transfer to the cooling rack to cool\n\nServe the scones with a thin spread of dairy-free butter, a good dollop of raspberry jam, and the cashew clotted cream\nCHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES\n\nMAKES 25\n\nThese are the perfect cookies\u2014crunchy on the outside and gooey on the inside. Plus, they're incredibly easy to make and even easier if you use a food processor. Best served warm (of course), you could also add nuts, raisins, or dried fruit but, as self-confessed minimalists, we are perfectly happy with just the melted chocolate chips.\n\n1 cup + 1\u00bd tbsp dairy-free butter or spread\n\n1 cup + 3 tbsp superfine sugar\n\n2 tsp vanilla extract\n\n1 tbsp golden syrup\n\n2\u2153 cups all-purpose flour\n\n1 tsp baking powder\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n3 oz dark chocolate\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper | Food processor, optional | Wire rack\n\n* * *\n\nPut the dairy-free butter, sugar, vanilla extract, and golden syrup into the food processor and whizz to a cream | Pour in the flour, baking powder, and salt and whizz everything together (you could also do all this in a big bowl with a wooden spoon) | Turn off the food processor and remove the blade | Chop the dark chocolate into small chips and fold them into the mixture with a spatula until they're evenly spread\n\nSpoon walnut-sized pieces of the mixture onto the lined baking sheets, leaving 2 inches between them (you may need to cook them in batches) | Squash the balls to flatten them slightly (but not flat like pancakes)\n\nPut the baking sheets in the oven and bake for 12\u201314 minutes, swapping racks halfway through so that they cook evenly | When they are ready the cookies should be golden around the edge, but paler in the middle | Take the baking sheets out of the oven but leave the cookies on them for 5\u201310 minutes to firm up a little, then transfer carefully to wire racks to cool\nSPANISH BEACH CHURROS\n\nMAKES 12\u201315\n\nWe remember eating churros on the beach in Spain as kids and decided we needed to recreate the memory (even if we are in East London in the rain!). This is such an easy dish to make, you could even make a giant churros snake if you were feeling adventurous. Trust us, try this, you will thank us!\n\n1 cup sugar\n\n2 tsp ground cinnamon\n\n1\u00bd quarts + 2 tbsp vegetable oil (preferably flavorless, like sunflower)\n\n2 cups water\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n\u00bd tsp vanilla extract\n\n1\u00be cups + 1 tbsp all-purpose flour\n\nFOR THE CHOCOLATE SAUCE\n\n3\u00bd oz dark chocolate\n\n\u00be cup unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n3 tbsp sugar\n\n\u00bd tsp vanilla extract\n\nSmall saucepan over low heat | 3 disposable piping bags or 1 clean reusable piping bag | \u00bd-inch star tip | Large deep saucepan | Cooking thermometer, optional | Baking sheet lined with parchment paper | Medium saucepan | Line a large plate with a double layer of paper towels\n\n* * *\n\nFirst, make the chocolate sauce | Break up the chocolate and put it into the small saucepan with the plant-based milk, sugar, and vanilla | Stir to a smooth sauce | Transfer to a serving bowl | Set aside\n\nSprinkle \u00bd cup sugar and the cinnamon over a large plate and set aside\n\nIf you are using disposable piping bags, pile them up and roll them together to make one thick cone (a single bag is likely to split) | Cut a small hole at the tip, insert the piping tip, and push it all the way down to the bottom so that it sticks out of the hole | Spray or brush the inside of the bag with a little oil | If you are using a reusable bag, insert the tip and coat lightly with oil\n\nPour the 1\u00bd quarts of oil into the large saucepan so that it comes a third of the way up the sides of the pan | Heat the oil to about 355\u00b0F, or until a wooden spoon dipped into the oil sizzles around the edges\n\nMeanwhile, put the water, the remaining \u00bd cup sugar, the 2 tablespoons vegetable oil, salt, and vanilla extract into the medium saucepan and set over high heat | Bring to a boil, stirring to dissolve the sugar | Remove from the heat, add the flour, and beat vigorously with a wooden spoon until it forms a thick, sticky dough (you'll need to use a little elbow grease) | Spoon the mixture into the piping bag\n\nPipe 6 churros onto the lined baking sheet, each one about 4\u20136 inches long | Carefully transfer the churros to the hot oil (if you're feeling brave you can pipe them straight into the oil) | Fry for 8\u201310 minutes, until golden and cooked through | Use a wooden spoon to move them around if they stick together\n\nRemove the churros with a slotted spoon and lay on the paper towels for 1 minute to drain | While they're still hot, transfer to the cinnamon sugar and roll until completely covered | Repeat with the remaining dough\u2014you may need 3 or 4 batches | Serve with chocolate sauce\nGOOEY PBJ BROWNIES\n\nSERVES 12\n\nA surprising combination of two American classics\u2014brownies and peanut butter and jelly. The tart, sweet jam contrasts with the earthy peanut and complements the sticky chocolate. Be careful not to overcook the outside\u2014under is better than overdone with this one. For extra power-up points, serve with vegan ice cream and top with melted dark chocolate and nuts.\n\n2\u2153 cups all-purpose flour\n\n2\u2153 cups light muscovado sugar\n\n\u2154 cup cocoa powder\n\n1 tsp baking powder\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n7\u00bd tbsp smooth peanut butter (thinner is better for this)\n\n\u00be cup + 3 tbsp water\n\n\u00be cup + 3 tbsp vegetable oil\n\n2\u00bd tbsp vanilla extract\n\n1\u00be oz dark chocolate\n\n6 tbsp raspberry jam\n\n3 oz raspberries\n\n2 tbsp broken peanuts\n\nPreheat oven to 320\u00b0F | 8 x 12-inch baking pan | Parchment paper | Food processor or electric mixer\n\n* * *\n\nLine the baking pan with the parchment paper, making sure there's a good overhang (this excess will act as handles to remove the brownie from the pan when it comes out of the oven)\n\nAdd the flour, sugar, cocoa, baking powder, and salt to the food processor and whizz to combine | Add 2 tbsp of the peanut butter, the water, oil, and vanilla | Blend until everything is well mixed (or put everything in a large mixing bowl and use an electric mixer) | Break the dark chocolate into squares and add it to the mixture | Blend for another few seconds to mix in the chocolate\n\nUse a spatula or metal spoon to empty the brownie mix into the baking pan and smooth it out so it goes all the way to the edges of the pan | Use a spoon to pour and drag swirls of the remaining peanut butter and the jam randomly over the top of the brownie, decorating the whole top with long swirls of jam | Push the raspberries and peanuts randomly into the mixture\n\nPut the pan in the hot oven and bake for 45 minutes, until cooked but still squidgy in the middle (try to avoid the outsides drying out and getting too browned; you want to take it out sooner than you think\u2014the middle will still be soft and maybe even wobbly, but it will cool down to a gooey perfection)\n\nTake the pan out of the oven and let it cool down almost to room temperature | Use the parchment paper to lift the brownie out of the pan and put it on a cutting board (you may need a friend to help with this to ensure it doesn't break in the middle) | Cut into brownie portions and serve\nCARROT CAKE\n\nSERVES 8\n\nCarrot cake is a favorite for many, and moist (what a word!) describes this version perfectly. It's sweet, wholesome, and as succulent a cake as you'll ever have tasted, with the perfect spice combination of cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger and sweet, creamy icing. Decorate with walnuts to add the final bit of sizzle.\n\n4 medium carrots (about \u00be lb)\n\n2 tbsp flaxseeds\n\n6 tbsp warm water\n\n2 cups minus 1 tbsp all-purpose flour\n\n1 cup + 9 tbsp brown sugar\n\n1\u00bd tsp baking powder\n\n1\u00bd tsp baking soda\n\n2 tsp ground cinnamon\n\n2 tsp ground nutmeg\n\n1 tsp ground ginger\n\n2 tsp vanilla extract\n\n\u00bd cup vegetable oil\n\n1 tbsp apple cider vinegar\n\n\u00bc tsp salt\n\n\u00bd cup unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n\u00bd cup golden raisins\n\n1\u00be oz walnut halves\n\nzest of 1 lemon\n\nFOR THE ICING\n\n5\u00bd tbsp dairy-free butter or spread at room temperature, plus extra for greasing\n\n1 tbsp vanilla extract\n\n3\u00be cups powdered sugar\n\n\u00bd lemon\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | 7-inch deep cake pan with a removable bottom | Parchment paper | Food processor or electric mixer\n\n* * *\n\nLay the bottom of the cake pan on the parchment paper and draw a circle around it; cut it out | Grease the inside of the pan with dairy-free butter, lay the paper round in the bottom, and then grease some more\n\nTrim and finely grate the carrots | Put the flaxseeds into a small bowl, add the warm water, and stir them around until you have a smooth paste | Leave for 5 minutes to thicken\n\nPut the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger into the food processor | Add the vanilla extract, vegetable oil, apple cider vinegar, salt, and plant-based milk, along with the flaxseed paste | Whizz to a batter (or beat everything together in a large mixing bowl with an electric mixer for 2\u20133 minutes)\n\nPour the batter into a mixing bowl | Add the raisins and the grated carrot and fold everything together | Pour the batter into the pan and put the pan in the oven | Bake for 50\u201355 minutes, until a skewer inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean | Take the cake out of the oven and let it cool to room temperature\n\nMeanwhile, clean the food processor or electric mixer | Now make the icing | Put the dairy-free butter, vanilla extract, and powdered sugar into the food processor or a clean bowl | Squeeze the lemon juice into the bowl, catching any seeds in your other hand | Whizz to a cream that is thick but spreadable\n\nCut the cake in half horizontally and spread a third of the frosting over the bottom layer | Sandwich with the top half and spread the rest of the frosting over the top of the cake | Decorate with the walnut halves and lemon zest | The cake will keep in the fridge for up to 3 days\nPAIN AU CHOCOLAT LOAF CAKE\n\nSERVES 8\n\nThis is the most ridiculous thing we could think to do with ready-to-bake dairy-free chocolate croissants. It's silly, zany, fun, and tasty, and watching the croissants rise in the oven makes you feel like a kid again. Be sure to skewer them so they stay nice and straight while they bake.\n\nFOR THE CAKE\n\n6 ready-to-bake vegan chocolate croissants\n\n1\u00bd cups all-purpose flour\n\n1 cup superfine sugar\n\n3 tbsp cocoa powder\n\n2 tsp baking soda\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n5 tbsp vegetable oil\n\n1\u00bd tsp vanilla extract\n\n1\u00bd tsp distilled white vinegar\n\n\u00bd cup water\n\n\u00bd cup unsweetened plant-based milk\n\nFOR THE ICING\n\n\u00be cup powdered sugar\n\n5 tbsp cocoa powder\n\n2 tbsp dairy-free butter or spread, plus a little extra for greasing\n\n1 tbsp + 2 tsp unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n\u00bd tsp vanilla extract\n\nPreheat oven to 320\u00b0F | 2-lb loaf pan | Parchment paper | Long wooden skewer | Food processor or electric hand mixer\n\n* * *\n\nLine the loaf pan by cutting a strip of parchment paper that is a little longer and wider than the bottom of the pan, so you can use the parchment to pull out the cake when it's ready | Grease the inside of the pan with a little dairy-free butter\n\nPrepare the chocolate croissants following the instructions on the package | Line them up down the middle of the loaf pan, standing them on their ends | Rest the skewer on top of the pan, following the line of pastries and resting the tips on either end | Carefully twist the skewer into and through the top of the first pain au chocolat to attach it | Repeat with all the pastries until they're attached to the skewer | The skewer gives the pastries stability and keeps them standing upright\n\nPut all the rest of the ingredients for the cake into the food processor and whizz to a batter (or put into a mixing bowl and beat together for 2\u20133 minutes with an electric hand mixer)\n\nPour the cake mixture evenly down each side of the pan (it should fill the pan to about three-quarters full) | Cover the pan with foil and put it in the hot oven | Bake for 30 minutes, then remove the foil, put it back in the oven, and bake for 20\u201325 minutes longer, until the cake is firm and a skewer inserted into the middle comes out clean (this additional cooking will give the pains au chocolat a lovely crispy top) | Remove from the oven and leave to cool in the pan | Clean out the food processor\n\nOnce the cake has cooled to room temperature, lift it out of the pan with the parchment paper and lay it on a serving plate | Remove the skewer\n\nPut all the icing ingredients into the clean food processor and whizz to a thick, rich icing | Carefully spread the icing over the cake part of the loaf (don't spread it on the pains au chocolat) | Leave to firm up and serve\nULTIMATE CHOCOLATE FUDGE CAKE\n\nSERVES 8\n\nInspired by our most popular video ever, this is arguably the greatest chocolate cake we've ever tasted. Easy to make and delicious to eat, it's perfect birthday-cake fodder. Just make sure you have a gym membership, as this one is super indulgent. How naughty? Very naughty. Go on. Do it.\n\n\u00be cup + 3 tbsp all-purpose flour\n\n\u00bd cup + 2 tbsp cocoa powder\n\n1\u00bd tbsp baking powder\n\n1 tsp vanilla extract\n\n1 cup maple syrup\n\n1\u00bd cups unsweetened plant-based milk\n\ndairy-free butter or spread, for greasing\n\nFOR THE CHOCOLATE ICING\n\n\u00bd cup + 2 tbsp cocoa powder\n\n2\u2154 cups powdered sugar\n\n4 tbsp dairy-free butter or spread\n\n1 tsp vanilla extract\n\n\u00bc cup + 1 tsp unsweetened plant-based milk\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Two 8-inch cake pans | Parchment paper | Food processor or electric mixer | Cooling rack | Spatula or long smooth knife\n\n* * *\n\nLay the cake pans on the parchment paper and draw circles around the bottoms, then cut out the rounds | Grease the inside of the pans with dairy-free butter and lay the paper rounds in the bottom | Grease with more dairy-free butter\n\nFirst make the cake | Put the flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, vanilla extract, maple syrup, and plant-based milk into the food processor and whizz to a batter (or put in a bowl and whisk with the electric mixer for 1\u20132 minutes)\n\nPour half the cake batter into each pan, making sure it is divided equally | Put the pans in the oven on the middle rack and bake for 25 minutes | Don't worry if the tops of the cakes crack a little while baking; this will all be covered in icing later | Wash the food processor\n\nTake the cakes out of the oven and let them cool to room temperature in the pans | The layers will be quite fragile, so carefully turn them out of the pans onto the cooling rack and put the rack in the refrigerator for at least 30 minutes (this will make the icing process easier)\n\nTo make the icing, put the cocoa powder, powdered sugar, dairy-free butter, vanilla extract, and plant-based milk into the food processor and whizz to a really thick, smooth icing (or put them in a bowl and whisk with the electric mixer)\n\nTake one layer of the cake and put it on a large plate | Cover the top with a third of the chocolate icing | Lay the second cake on top | Cover the whole cake with the rest of the icing | Put the cake in the fridge for 1 hour to firm up | Remove the cake from the fridge, cut it into slices, and serve\nAQUAFABA CHOCOLATE MOUSSE\n\nSERVES 3\n\nThis is effortlessly simple and yet one of the most delicious chocolate mousses we've ever tasted. Decadent and luxurious, it's made with a handful of ingredients and can be prepared in advance and left in the fridge for later. The magical thrill of the aquafaba transformation (and the ensuing conversations with your guests!) is really something.\n\n3\u00bd oz dark chocolate\n\nliquid from 1 can (15 oz) chickpeas (aquafaba, 1 generous \u00bd cup)\n\n2\u00bd tbsp sugar\n\n1 tsp vanilla extract\n\npinch of salt\n\nhandful blueberries, to serve\n\nMedium saucepan over high heat | Heatproof bowl | Electric mixer\n\n* * *\n\nPour 1\u00bc inches water into the pan and bring to a boil | Reduce the heat to a simmer | Put a heatproof bowl on top of the pan, ensuring the water doesn't touch the bottom | Break 3 oz of the dark chocolate into the bowl and leave it to melt | Remove and leave to cool a little\n\nPour the aquafaba into a large bowl and use the electric mixer (a hand whisk won't cut it this time) to whisk the liquid for 10\u201315 minutes\u2014it will gradually firm up, as if by magic | Stop when the mixture makes stiff peaks if you lift out the beaters | Gently fold in the melted chocolate, sugar, vanilla, and salt using a large metal spoon or spatula, making sure you don't beat out too much air\n\nSpoon the mousse into serving glasses or bowls and chill for 2 hours\n\nGrate the remaining \u00bd oz chocolate | Dress the individual mousses with a handful of blueberries and a touch of grated chocolate just before serving\nSTICKY TOFFEE PUDDING\n\nSERVES 6\n\nIt's hard to describe just how good this dish is. You have to try it. It's just like Grandma used to make: incredibly smoky and toffee-and-caramel-flavored. The notes of cinnamon, ginger, and nutmeg add hints of deliciousness to the orgy of richness. This dish goes really well with a serving of dairy-free ice cream!\n\n6 oz dates\n\n1\u00bd cups unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n1 tsp vanilla extract\n\n1\u00bd tsp baking soda\n\n8 tbsp + 7 tbsp dairy-free butter or spread\n\n1 cup dark brown sugar\n\ngenerous \u00be cup self-rising flour\n\n\u00bd tsp ground nutmeg\n\n1 tsp ground ginger\n\n1 tsp ground cinnamon\n\n1 tsp salt\n\n1 tbsp golden syrup\n\n3 tbsp coconut cream\n\nPreheat oven to 320\u00b0F | Small saucepan over medium heat | 10 x 6 x 2-inch ovenproof dish greased with dairy-free butter\n\n* * *\n\nCut the dates into small pieces, removing the pits as you go | Put them in the saucepan along with the plant-based milk and vanilla extract and cook until the dates are soft, about 10 minutes\n\nTake the pan off the heat and stir in the baking soda | Let the liquid cool to room temperature | Add 8 tbsp of the dairy-free butter and \u00bd cup of the sugar | Add the flour, nutmeg, ginger, cinnamon, and salt, and stir them a few times with a spoon until just combined, but not overmixed\n\nPour the mixture into the greased baking dish, put the dish in the oven, and bake for 35\u201340 minutes, until risen and a skewer inserted into the center comes out clean\n\nMeanwhile, clean the saucepan and put it back over medium heat | Put the golden syrup, the remaining \u00bd cup brown sugar, and the remaining 7 tbsp dairy-free butter into the pan, stir, and reduce the heat to low | Cook for 5 minutes until you have a syrup | Remove the pan from the burner, allow it to cool slightly, and then stir in the coconut cream | Pour into a small pitcher\n\nTo serve, use a knife to cut the sticky toffee pudding into slices | Place each slice into a bowl and cover with the delicious toffee drizzle | Serve and enjoy!\nMIXED BERRY CRUMBLE\n\nSERVES 6\u20138\n\nThis crumble is luxuriously fruity, crumbly, and crunchy. It's easy to make and great to share, perfect for a cool-season dessert. You can, of course, use any berries that are in season for this; we've opted for a mixed berry selection. A little dairy-free oat cream or custard would work perfectly with this dessert.\n\n2\u00bc lb mixed berries, such as blackberries, raspberries, strawberries, and blueberries\n\n\u2153 cup + \u00bd cup superfine sugar\n\n1 tsp vanilla extract\n\n3 tbsp cornstarch\n\n1\u00be cups whole wheat flour\n\ngenerous 2\u00be cups rolled oats\n\n1 tsp ground cinnamon\n\n1 cup (8 oz) dairy-free butter or spread\n\ndairy-free custard or oat cream, to serve, optional\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | 12 x 8-inch baking dish\n\n* * *\n\nPut the berries, \u2153 cup of the sugar, the vanilla extract, and cornstarch into a large mixing bowl and mix together, making sure all the fruit is covered in the sugar and cornstarch | Tip into the baking dish and smooth the top with the back of a spoon\n\nPlace the flour, oats, and cinnamon in a bowl and mix well | Scoop small pieces of the dairy-free butter into the bowl with a spoon and then get your hands in and pinch and rub everything together with your fingertips until it looks like breadcrumbs | Add the remaining \u00bd cup sugar and mix well | Scatter the crumble mixture evenly all over the berry filling, covering it all the way to the edges\n\nPut the dish in the hot oven and bake for 50 minutes, or until the top is golden and the fruit is bubbling up around the edges of the dish | Take out of the oven and serve with the dairy-free custard or oat cream, if you like\nSALTED CARAMEL CHOCOLATE CRUNCH TART\n\nSERVES 10\n\nOozing with sugary, crunchy, caramel, chocolatey goodness, this insanely tasty dish has everything you could want from a dessert. It is regularly showcased at events since we're so proud of it, and it's got that \"pick-up-and-go\" factor, so would sit comfortably in a buffet. This is the dish you'll want to make again and again.\n\n1 package refrigerated dairy-free pie dough\n\n\u00be cup coconut cream\n\n2\u2154 cups light brown sugar\n\n2 tsp sea salt\n\n7 oz hazelnuts\n\n3\u00bd oz pecans\n\n3\u00bd oz dark chocolate\n\n2 tsp vanilla extract\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Line a pie tin or small rimmed baking sheet with parchment paper | Medium saucepan\n\n* * *\n\nUnroll the dough onto the lined pie tin or baking sheet, making sure the edges of the pastry fold up the sides of the sheet and pressing it into the corners | Chill in the freezer for 10 minutes to stop the pastry from shrinking and the sides from collapsing\n\nPut the pastry in the hot oven and bake for about 30 minutes, or until golden brown (it will bubble a bit but don't worry, those bubbles will deflate) | Take the pan out of the oven\n\nMeanwhile, set the saucepan over medium heat | Pour in the coconut cream and stir so that it becomes completely liquid | Pour in the sugar and stir continuously for at least 5 minutes, until the mixture thickens and darkens in color | Sprinkle in the salt and stir it into the caramel\n\nPut the hazelnuts and pecans into a mortar and break them up with the pestle (or put them in a plastic bag and bash them with a rolling pin) | Tip the broken nuts into the pan and stir them in so that they're well covered in the sticky caramel sauce | Break the chocolate into the pan and stir until it has melted into the caramel and the nuts are completely covered | Take the pan off the heat, stir in the vanilla extract, and set aside\n\nPour the chocolate caramel into the pastry shell and spread it out to the edges | Smooth the top with an offset spatula or smooth knife | Put the tart back in the oven for 3 minutes, then take it out and let it cool to room temperature in the pan | Put the cooled tart in the fridge for 30 minutes to cool down and firm up\n\nTake the tart out of the fridge and carefully remove it from the pan | Cut into slices and serve\nAPPLE PEAR PIE\n\nSERVES 6\n\nWho doesn't like a slice of warm apple pie? The cinnamon and apple flavors go together perfectly and complement the contrasting crispy crust and sweet, fruity center. This one's pretty easy to prepare, made much easier by using store-bought pie dough. Everyone should have a good apple pie in their repertoire. This can be yours!\n\nTwo 9-inch refrigerated dairy-free pie crusts\n\n1\u00be lb apples\n\n1 lb pears\n\n\u00bd lemon\n\n3 tbsp superfine sugar\n\n2 tbsp maple syrup\n\n2 tsp ground cinnamon\n\n2 tbsp all-purpose flour\n\nsmall pinch of salt\n\n2 tbsp unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n1 tbsp brown sugar\n\nsoy cream, optional, to serve\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Heavy baking sheet in oven | Board dusted with flour | Clear some space in the fridge | 9-inch deep-dish tart or pie tin | Pastry brush\n\n* * *\n\nLay one of the pie crusts inside the pie tin | Press it neatly into the edges and all the way up the sides and just over the top edge, making sure there's no trapped air | Cut away the excess pastry and use pieces to patch up any gaps | Set the second pie crust aside on a floured board\n\nPut the pie shell in the fridge for 15 minutes to chill along with the second pie crust on the board (this will stop it shrinking in the oven)\n\nMeanwhile, peel and core the apples and pears and cut them roughly into \u2153-inch chunks | Put them in a large bowl and squeeze over the juice of the lemon, catching any seeds in your other hand | Add the superfine sugar, maple syrup, cinnamon, flour, and salt and mix together with a wooden spoon\n\nSpread the apple mixture evenly into the chilled pie shell | Lay the top crust over the top and crimp the edges by pinching all around the rim between your thumb and forefinger, or by squashing the top and bottom crusts together with a fork | Cut off any excess pastry with a sharp knife\n\nPut the pie tin on top of the hot baking sheet in the oven and bake for 40 minutes, then take it out of the oven | Brush the pie with the plant-based milk, sprinkle it with brown sugar, and put it back in the oven for 10\u201312 minutes, or until it's crisp and golden on top\n\nTake the pie out of the oven | Let it cool down for at least 15 minutes before serving with soy cream, if using\n\n**Breakfasts**\n\nFrom daily smoothies\n\nTo weekly bowls of goodness\n\nStart your day right here\nBANANA PANCAKES\n\nSERVES 2\n\nWe had to include some banana pancakes! This is a wonderful easy-to-prepare breakfast for those mornings when you are looking for something delicious and impressive to start your day. Experiment with toppings, but if you make sure there is plenty of fruit it counts as one of your five (or ten) a day!\n\n1\u00bd ripe bananas\n\n\u00bd tbsp coconut oil, plus extra for frying\n\n\u00bd tsp ground cinnamon\n\n\u2154 cup all-purpose flour\n\n1 tbsp superfine sugar\n\n1 tsp baking powder\n\n1 cup unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n1 oz pecans\n\n3 tbsp maple syrup\n\n\u00be oz dark chocolate\n\nPreheat oven to warm | Ovenproof plate | Food processor | Frying pan over medium-high heat\n\n* * *\n\nPut one banana, the coconut oil, cinnamon, flour, sugar, baking powder, and plant-based milk into the food processor and whizz to a smooth batter | Add a little coconut oil to the frying pan and warm it so that it's reasonably hot, but not smoking\n\nPour about 3 tablespoons of the mixture for each pancake you can fit into the pan and fry for about 2 minutes, until bubbles start to appear on the surface of the pancakes | Flip them over and fry the other sides for another 1\u20132 minutes | Remove to the ovenproof plate and put it in the oven to keep warm while you cook the rest of the pancakes\n\nSlice the \u00bd banana | Put the pecans in a mortar and lightly crush with a pestle (or put them in a plastic bag and crush with a rolling pin)\n\nStack the pancakes on 2 serving plates | Put the banana slices on top and sprinkle on the pecans | Drizzle with lashings of maple syrup and grate the chocolate over\nCHOCOLATE GRANOLA\n\nSERVES 6\u20138\n\nRemember how chocolate cereal used to make the milk go chocolatey? Well this incredibly moreish dish has that in abundance. It makes a fantastic breakfast, but would also work as a replacement for popcorn on movie night. For a healthier (but still tasty) version, omit the sugar.\n\n2 oz Brazil nuts\n\n2 oz pecans\n\n2 oz hazelnuts\n\n2\u00bd oz coconut flakes\n\n\u00bd tsp sea salt\n\n3\u00be cups oats\n\n\u00bc cup coconut sugar\n\n\u00bd cup + 3 tbsp coconut oil\n\n5 tsp maple syrup\n\n1 tsp vanilla extract\n\n1\u00be oz dark chocolate\n\n6 tbsp raisins\n\nPreheat oven to 280\u00b0F | Line a large baking sheet | Large saucepan over very low heat\n\n* * *\n\nPut all the nuts in the middle of a clean kitchen towel, wrap them up, and break them with a rolling pin so that they are about the size of raisins | Tip the broken nuts into a mixing bowl | Add the coconut flakes, salt, oats, and coconut sugar and mix everything together with a wooden spoon\n\nSlowly melt the coconut oil in the saucepan | Add the maple syrup and vanilla extract and mix everything together | Pour the dry ingredients from the bowl into the saucepan and mix it all together\n\nPour the granola onto the lined baking sheet (the wider the pan, the crunchier the granola) | Put the pan in the oven and bake for 40 minutes\n\nTake the pan out of the oven | Break the dark chocolate into small chunks the size of chocolate chips and sprinkle them over the granola along with the raisins | Leave to cool to room temperature\n\nBreak up the granola into bite-sized chunks and transfer to an airtight container | Enjoy your delicious granola with lashings of plant-based milk and chopped fresh fruit\nBOSH! BREAKFAST TOASTS\n\nThe humble slice of bread, toasted to perfection, is a mighty meal to behold. Here are three of our favorite ways to enjoy a quick-fix mini English breakfast. They're most delicious with quality sourdough bread that brings additional flavor to the meal, even better if it's from a real baker! The better the bread, the better the breakfast.\nCREAMY GARLIC MUSHROOM TOAST\n\nSERVES 2\n\nSo. Rich. So. Creamy. Cannot. Compute. This garlicky mushroom dish is effortless and full of voluptuous, creamy flavors.\n\n12 oz mushrooms\n\n2 small garlic cloves\n\n2 scallions\n\n1 tbsp olive oil\n\n2 large or 4 small slices good-quality fresh bread\n\n1\u00bd tbsp dairy-free butter or spread, plus extra for spreading\n\n5 tbsp soy cream\n\nsmall handful fresh parsley leaves\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nLarge frying pan over medium-high heat | Toaster or broiler\n\n* * *\n\nSlice the mushrooms | Peel and mince the garlic | Trim the roots and ends from the scallions and finely slice\n\nPut the olive oil in the pan | Add the mushrooms and cook for 10 minutes | Add the garlic and three-quarters of the scallions (saving some of the green ends for garnish) | Cook for 3 minutes\n\nPut the bread in the toaster or under the broiler\n\nAdd the dairy-free butter to the pan of mushrooms and stir it in until it melts | Pour the soy cream into the pan and stir it into the mushrooms | Take the pan off the heat | Season to taste with salt and pepper\n\nRoughly chop the parsley and stir most of it into the mushrooms | Take the toast out of the toaster or broiler and spread it with dairy-free butter | Divide the mushroom mixture equally among the toasts | Sprinkle with the remaining scallions and parsley | Grind over a little black pepper and serve immediately\nSMOKY BBQ BEANS ON TOAST\n\nSERVES 2\n\nThese homemade BBQ beans are a revelation. They're smoky, rich, and incredibly punchy, plus they're filled with protein. Feel free to adjust the chili to suit your taste.\n\n\u00bd onion\n\n2 garlic cloves\n\n1 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 tbsp tomato paste\n\n\u00bc tsp smoked paprika\n\n\u00bc tsp chili powder\n\n\u00bc tsp dried thyme\n\n1 tbsp light brown sugar\n\n1 tbsp light soy sauce\n\n1 can (15 oz) cannellini beans\n\n2 large or 4 small slices good-quality fresh bread\n\n7 tbsp tomato puree\n\ndairy-free butter or spread, for spreading\n\nfresh parsley leaves, to garnish, optional\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nMedium saucepan over medium heat | Toaster or broiler\n\n* * *\n\nPeel and finely chop the onion and garlic | Add the olive oil to the pan | Add the onion and garlic and stir until the onion is translucent and soft, about 10 minutes\n\nAdd the tomato paste, smoked paprika, chili powder, thyme, sugar, and soy sauce and stir them into the onions | Cook for 2 minutes\n\nDrain and rinse the cannellini beans, then add them to the pan | Stir them around so that they're covered in the sauce | Cook for another 2\u20133 minutes\n\nPut the bread in the toaster or under the broiler\n\nPour the tomato puree into the pan and let it simmer until the sauce has thickened, about 5 minutes | Chop the parsley, if using\n\nTaste the sauce and season it with pepper and a little salt | Take the toast out of the toaster or broiler and spread it with dairy-free butter | Put the beans on top, sprinkle with the parsley, if using, and serve immediately\nTOFU SCRAMBLE ON TOAST\n\nSERVES 2\n\nThis version of the classic scramble uses tofu as a base and is spongy, crumbly, and super satisfying. Added to our Big Breakfast, it would create a meal for a king and queen.\n\n\u00bd small red onion\n\n1 garlic clove\n\n2 oz baby spinach\n\n2 tbsp olive oil\n\n1 block (10 oz) extra-firm tofu\n\n2 tsp dairy-free butter or spread, plus more for spreading\n\n1 tbsp nutritional yeast\n\n1 tsp ground turmeric\n\n\u00bd tsp chili flakes\n\n2 large or 4 small slices good-quality fresh bread\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nLarge frying pan over medium heat | Toaster or broiler\n\n* * *\n\nPeel and finely slice the onion and garlic | Roughly chop the spinach\n\nAdd the olive oil to the pan | Add the onions and garlic and cook until the onions are well softened, about 10 minutes | Crumble the tofu into the pan along with the 2 teaspoons of dairy-free butter | Add the nutritional yeast, turmeric, and chili flakes and stir everything together | Cook for around 5 minutes | Season with salt and pepper\n\nPut the bread in the toaster or under the broiler\n\nAdd the spinach to the pan and stir until well wilted, another 1\u20132 minutes | Taste again and season if necessary\n\nTake the toast out of the toaster or broiler and spread it with dairy-free butter | Top it with the spinach and scramble, grind over some black pepper and serve immediately\nBANANA BREAD\n\nMAKES 1 LOAF\n\nIs it a dessert? Is it a breakfast? We can't decide. Is it tasty? Hell yes. Want to know what makes this amazing recipe even better? Spread some peanut butter on top. Oh my goodness it's insane. Or dairy-free ice cream to turn it into a whopper of a dessert.\n\nscant 2 cups all-purpose flour\n\n6 tbsp light brown sugar\n\n6 tbsp granulated sugar\n\n1\u00bd tbsp cocoa powder\n\n\u00bd tsp baking soda\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n\u00bd tsp ground allspice\n\n7 tbsp + 2 tsp dairy-free butter or spread\n\n3 ripe bananas\n\n\u00bc cup almond milk\n\n2 tbsp maple syrup\n\n1 tsp apple cider vinegar\n\n1 tsp vanilla extract\n\n2 oz dark chocolate\n\n1\u00be oz pecans\n\nPreheat oven to 340\u00b0F | Line a 2-lb loaf pan with parchment paper | Food processor\n\n* * *\n\nPour all the ingredients except the dark chocolate and pecans into the food processor and whizz them to a thick mixture | Take out the blade and scrape any excess mixture back into the bowl\n\nBreak the dark chocolate and pecans into small pieces and tip them into the bowl | Mix everything together\n\nPour the mixture into the lined loaf pan and put it in the oven | Bake for 60\u201365 minutes, or until a skewer inserted into the middle of the loaf comes out clean | Take the pan out of the oven and leave the bread to cool to room temperature | Remove the bread from the pan and cut it into slices to serve\nTHE BIG BREAKFAST\n\nSERVES 2\n\nThe only way to deal with a big day ahead is to start with a breakfast of champions. This is a big, filling breakfast that's relatively healthy, best enjoyed with friends. Serve with your sauce of choice and a strong cup of tea or coffee. Feel free to freestyle this one, adding little extras like scrambled tofu, hummus, fried potatoes, or fried bread.\n\nHash Browns ingredients (see here)\n\n4 frozen vegan sausages\n\nBasil Tomatoes ingredients (see here)\n\nHerb Mushrooms ingredients (see here)\n\n1\u00bd cups canned baked beans\n\n1 avocado\n\n2 slices bread\n\ndairy-free butter or spread, for spreading\n\ntomato ketchup, to serve\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Line 2 baking sheets | 2 small saucepans, one with a lid, both over medium heat | Frying pan over medium heat | Toaster or broiler\n\n* * *\n\nTiming is everything with this one; follow these instructions and you can't go far wrong\n\nFirst make the **Hash Browns** following the instructions, and put them on a baking sheet | Put the sausages in the same pan as the hash browns | Put the pan in the oven and cook for 20\u201325 minutes\n\nMake the **Basil Tomatoes** in the small saucepan with a lid, following the instructions, and leave them warming over a medium-low heat, stirring occasionally\n\nMake the **Herb Mushrooms** in the frying pan, following the instructions, and leave them warming over a medium-low heat, stirring occasionally\n\nPour the baked beans into the second small saucepan and warm them, stirring occasionally\n\nHalve and carefully pit the avocado by tapping the pit firmly with the heel of a knife so that it lodges in the pit, then twist and remove the pit | Run a spoon around the inside of the skin to scoop out the avocado halves, then slice finely | Sprinkle over a little salt and pepper\n\nToast the bread and spread with dairy-free butter | Spoon everything on to plates and serve with tomato ketchup\nHERB MUSHROOMS\n\nSERVES 2\n\n1 garlic clove\n\n1 sprig fresh rosemary\n\n1 sprig fresh thyme\n\n10 oz mushrooms\n\n2\u20133 tbsp olive oil\n\n2 tbsp water\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nFrying pan over medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nPeel and finely chop the garlic | Remove the leaves from the herbs by running your thumb and forefinger from the top to the base of the stems (the leaves should easily come away), then finely chop | Cut the mushrooms in half\n\nAdd the olive oil to the pan and add the garlic, rosemary, and thyme | Stir everything around for about 30 seconds, until the aroma of the garlic has been released\n\nAdd the mushrooms and season with salt to taste | Continue to cook for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally, until most of the liquid has reduced down | Pour in the water and fry for another 4 minutes, until the water has evaporated off | Sprinkle with a good pinch of black pepper | Remove from the heat when the mushrooms are nicely brown and caramelized\nBASIL TOMATOES\n\nSERVES 2\n\n1 tsp olive oil\n\n5 oz cherry tomatoes\n\npinch of chili flakes\n\n1 garlic clove\n\n\u2154 cup basil leaves\n\nsalt and black pepper\n\nSmall saucepan with a lid over medium heat\n\n* * *\n\nWarm the olive oil in the saucepan | Put the cherry tomatoes in the pan | Add a good pinch each of salt, pepper, and chili flakes | Peel and crush the garlic clove into the pan, put the lid on, turn the heat down to low, and let the tomatoes cook for 12 minutes\n\nTake the lid off the pan, rip up the basil leaves, drop them in the pan, and put the lid back on | Cook for 3\u20135 minutes longer, until the tomatoes have burst open and stewed down | Serve, spooning any remaining juices over the top as a delicious sauce\nHASH BROWNS\n\nSERVES 2\u20133\n\n2 small russet or other fluffy potatoes\n\n\u00bd small onion\n\n\u00bd sprig fresh rosemary\n\n3 tbsp all-purpose flour\n\n1 tsp paprika\n\n1 tsp onion powder\n\n1 tsp garlic powder\n\n\u00bd tsp salt\n\n\u00bd tsp black pepper\n\n\u00bd tbsp olive oil, plus extra for frying\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Line a baking sheet | Clean kitchen towel | Large frying pan over medium-high heat\n\n* * *\n\nCoarsely grate the potatoes | Peel and coarsely grate the onion (if you start to cry, give your hands a rinse with cold water) | Put the potato and onion in the middle of the clean kitchen towel, bring the edges of the kitchen towel up, and twist it firmly a few times to squeeze out as much of the liquid as possible | Tip into a large bowl\n\nStrip the rosemary leaves by running your thumb and forefinger from the top to the base of the stem (the leaves should easily come away), chop, and add to the bowl | Add the flour, paprika, onion powder, garlic powder, salt, pepper, and the \u00bd tablespoon of oil\n\nMix everything together with your hands until you have a clumpy, thick dough | Divide the mixture into 6 and shape each mound by squeezing it firmly between your hands to make 6 burger-shaped hash browns\n\nHeat some oil in the pan and fry the hash browns for 3 minutes on each side, pushing them down gently with a spatula to help compact them\n\nTransfer the hash browns to the lined baking sheet and put the pan in the oven | Bake for 20\u201325 minutes, until golden brown and crispy\nCHOCOLATE CROISSANT TEARER SHARER\n\nSERVES 4\u20136\n\nThis is an easy indulgence, created as a result of our love of pains au chocolat. The store-bought puff pastry sheets make it an effortless, deliciously moreish dish, perfect for the morning after. It's simple to make, impressive to look at (definitely put the fruity bits on top for added wow factor), and just that little bit naughty.\n\n3\u00bd oz dark chocolate\n\n2\u00bd tbsp powdered sugar, plus extra for dusting\n\n2 sheets dairy-free puff pastry\n\n2 tbsp unsweetened plant-based milk\n\nhandful strawberries\n\nhandful blueberries\n\nhandful raspberries\n\noat or soy cream, to serve\n\nPreheat oven to 350\u00b0F | Medium saucepan with 1\u00bc inches water over medium-low heat | Heatproof bowl | Line a large baking sheet with parchment paper | Pastry brush\n\n* * *\n\nPut the heatproof bowl on top of the saucepan, making sure the bottom of the bowl isn't touching the water, and reduce the heat to low | Break 2\u00bd oz of the chocolate into the bowl and stir occasionally with a wooden spoon until the chocolate has melted | Pour in the powdered sugar, stir to mix it in completely without any lumps, and take the pan off the heat\n\nLay 1 sheet of puff pastry on the lined baking sheet | Pour most of the melted chocolate onto the center of the pastry and spread it out, leaving a \u00be-inch gap around the edges | Lay the second sheet of pastry flush on top (you may want to ask a friend for help) | Gently press the 2 sheets of pastry together all the way round the edges\n\nWith a sharp knife, make 4 evenly spaced cuts into the long edges of the pastry so that they reach about 2 inches in from the edges | You should be left with a strip of pastry running down the middle of the sheet with 5 flaps of pastry either side\n\nCut the remaining chocolate into 10 chunks and place 1 chunk in the middle of each flap of pastry | Roll the flaps over the chocolate chunks, taking care not to cover the middle section, and press them to seal in the chocolate | Brush all over the top with the plant-based milk | Put the baking sheet in the oven and bake for 30\u201335 minutes, until the pastry is golden and slightly crispy\n\nTake the baking sheet out of the oven and scatter the fresh berries along the middle section | Drizzle over the remaining melted chocolate | Dust lightly with powdered sugar and serve immediately with a little oat or soy cream on the side for people to pour over if they wish\nSIMPLE JAPANESE BREAKFAST\n\nSERVES 2\n\nWe are huge fans of Japan and Japanese food. A common breakfast in Japan is a smorgasbord of small dishes that often includes miso soup and some rice. Combine these two simple ingredients with the deep umami-flavored sesame cucumbers, and you have a delicious breakfast that can be whipped together really quickly. This will set you up for an awesome day.\n\nPerfectly Boiled Rice (see here) or 1\u00bd cups store-bought precooked basmati rice\n\n\u00bd jar pickled ginger\n\nJapanese Pickle (see here)\n\n2 envelopes vegetarian miso soup\n\nsesame seeds, for sprinkling\n\nsmall handful cilantro, to serve\n\nwasabi, to serve\n\nsriracha sauce, to serve\n\nFOR THE SESAME CUCUMBERS\n\n1 large cucumber\n\n1 fresh red chili\n\n\u00bc cup toasted sesame oil\n\n2 tbsp soy sauce\n\n1 tsp rice vinegar\n\nSmall saucepan with a lid over high heat | Chopsticks | Large frying pan\n\n* * *\n\nTip the cooked rice into a mixing bowl, fluff it with a fork, and transfer to a serving bowl\n\nSlice the cucumber in half from top to bottom | Take one half and lay it skin side up on a cutting board | Place a chopstick on either side of the cucumber | Take a sharp knife and cut diagonal slices all the way along the cucumber as finely as you can (the chopsticks will ensure you don't cut all the way through) | Take the chopsticks away and cut the cucumber into 6 equal pieces | Repeat with the other half of the cucumber\n\nRip the stem from the chili, cut it in half lengthwise, and remove the seeds, if you prefer a milder flavor, and roughly chop\n\nSet the large frying pan over high heat and add the sesame oil | Add the chili to the pan and fry for 90 seconds | Add the soy sauce and rice vinegar | Add the cucumber and fry for 2\u20133 minutes, until softened but not browned, turning the pieces a couple of times | Remove the cucumber from the pan with a slotted spoon and leave the sauce to bubble for another minute, until slightly thickened\n\nSpoon some rice onto each serving plate | Place a handful of pickled ginger and a tablespoon of Japanese pickle onto each plate | Empty the envelopes of miso soup into 2 mugs or miso soup bowls, pour over freshly boiled water, and stir\n\nDivide the cucumber between the plates and pour some of the cooking liquid over the rice | Sprinkle with some sesame seeds and fresh cilantro and place a dab of wasabi and sriracha on each plate | Serve with the miso soup alongside and enjoy an incredibly easy, healthy, and fresh-feeling start to the day!\nJAPANESE PICKLE\n\nMAKES 2\u20133 PINTS\n\nYou might need to find a Chinese supermarket to get hold of daikon, or you can order it online. This is best after one or two days in the fridge, but you can eat it after a couple of hours. Use as an accompaniment to any Asian-influenced meal.\n\n1 large daikon (about 12 oz)\n\n1 tbsp salt\n\n\u00be-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n\u00bd cup water\n\n\u00bd cup sugar\n\n\u00bd cup rice vinegar\n\n1 tsp ground turmeric\n\n2\u20133 pint jars with lids | Medium saucepan\n\n* * *\n\nFirst, sterilize your jars and lids by washing them in hot, soapy water and then filling them to the top with boiling water | Drain on a clean kitchen towel until completely dry\n\nPeel the daikon and thinly slice using a mandoline or vegetable peeler (or a very sharp knife) | Put the slices into a colander, sprinkle with the salt, toss to coat, and leave for 30 minutes\n\nMeanwhile, peel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon and cut it into very fine matchsticks\n\nPut the pan over medium heat | Pour in the water and sugar and stir to dissolve the sugar | Bring to a boil | Add the vinegar, turmeric, and ginger | Turn down the heat slightly and leave to simmer for 2\u20133 minutes | Remove from the heat and leave to cool\n\nSqueeze the daikon with the back of a spoon to remove as much liquid as possible | Divide it between the sterilized jars and pour in the pickling liquid | Put the lids on, put them in the fridge, and leave to pickle away | This can be stored in the fridge for 3 months\n**BREAKFAST SMOOTHIES**\n\nPutting a load of healthy things in a smoothie is a great way, if not the best way, to start the day. It's quick, easy, and mess free and gives you the feeling that you are already winning the day. These are three of our favorite smoothies.\n\nTo make smoothies a part of your daily routine, simply keep a store of fruit and veg in the freezer and blend it up regularly to keep your fruit and veg varied and get a healthy mix of goodness in your body.\nTURMERIC POWERSHOT\n\nMAKES 6 SMALL GLASSES\n\nBe warned, this is one powerful get-you-out-of-bed drink. This will get you and your immune system up with a kick, and gives a noticeable, immediate hit of caffeine-free alertness. It's not for the faint-hearted, but it's very good for you. If you want to turn this into a spicy \"Smoochie\" cocktail, pour a shot of vodka into each glass.\n\n2 Braeburn apples\n\n2 oranges\n\n1 lemon\n\n2\u2153-inch piece fresh ginger\n\n1\u00bd tsp ground turmeric\n\n\u00bd tsp cayenne pepper\n\n7 tbsp water\n\nBlender\n\n* * *\n\nCore the apples and chop them into pieces | Peel the oranges and lemon and separate the segments | Peel the ginger by scraping off the skin with a spoon and roughly chop | Put all the ingredients into the blender and whizz for a few minutes until you have a thick, liquidy paste\n\nStrain the mixture into a large pitcher through a sieve, pressing out as much of the liquid as possible, and discard the pulp | Pour into glasses and serve\nCHOCONANA PROTEIN SHAKE\n\nMAKES 2\u20134 GLASSES\n\nWho doesn't want to drink a healthy chocolate milkshake for breakfast? This one's choc-full of protein and will give you a great boost for the day ahead.\n\n2 bananas (fresh or frozen for a cooler smoothie)\n\n\u00be cup + 2 tbsp rolled oats\n\n3 tbsp smooth peanut butter\n\n2 tbsp cacao powder\n\n2 tbsp vegan protein powder, optional\n\n1\u2154 cups unsweetened plant-based milk\n\n7 tbsp coconut water\n\n1 tsp maple syrup\n\nBlender\n\n* * *\n\nPut all the ingredients into the blender and whizz to a thick milkshake | Pour into glasses and serve\nGREEN GOODNESS\n\nSERVES 2\n\nInspired by Rhonda Patrick's super-green morning smoothie, this is filled with lots of the vitamins and nutrients your body needs to survive and recover. Be warned, this one is health first, taste second, but drink it regularly and you'll feel like a superhero.\n\n1\u00be oz kale\n\n1\u00be oz spinach\n\n1\u00be oz chard\n\n8 blueberries\n\n1 cup water\n\n\u00bd avocado\n\n\u00bd banana\n\n\u00bd apple\n\n2 cherry tomatoes\n\n1 tbsp peanut butter\n\nBlender\n\n* * *\n\nPut the kale, spinach, chard, and blueberries and \u00bc cup of the water into a blender and whizz for 1\u20132 minutes until you have a smooth paste\n\nScoop the flesh of the avocado half into the blender | Add the banana, apple, cherry tomatoes, peanut butter, and the remaining \u00be cup of water | Blitz until you have a thick and creamy smoothie (if you prefer it a little thinner, add a bit more water) | Drink and feel healthier all day long\n\nNutrition\n\nEating a plant-based, vegan diet is one of the healthiest things you can do for your body. Plus, it feels fantastic. So where do we get our protein from? Plants!\n\nIt's a myth that you need animal flesh to get protein. There are world-class athletes who are thriving on a plant-based diet and the strongest animals in the world get their protein from plants. We get ours from nuts and seeds, grains, tofu, beans and peas, and other veggies, both in their natural forms and prepared in things like peanut butter, hummus, and even seitan, a meat substitute made from wheat gluten.\n\nYou can get all the essential amino acids from plants, but you do need to eat a variety. Some protein-rich foods, such as amaranth, quinoa, cacao, and hemp, contain all the vital amino acids, just like meat does. But even the plant foods that don't contain all the amino acids can be combined to give you all the essential amino acids. For example, peanut butter on toast or rice and peas are both complete sources of protein. Boom!\n\nIn our opinion, a whole food plant-based diet is a really healthy way to live your life. It doesn't include too much oil or refined carbohydrate; however, we operate on an 80\/20 principle (thanks, Derek Sarno, for this one) where 80% of the time we eat tasty but healthy food and 20% of the time we treat ourselves.\n\nIt's important to realize that we are not simply talking about a typical diet with the meat and dairy removed. We eat a different food pyramid entirely, one that involves loads of delicious fruit, veggies, nuts, seeds, and grains. And if you're eating them in a variety of colors, especially dark green, then you are likely to be getting all the nutrients you need. Opposite you'll find a handy guide on how to get the nutrients that every human needs, be they meat-eater, vegetarian, or vegan.\n\n**Good sources of protein**\n\n**Legumes**\n\n  * Black beans\n  * Cannellini beans\n  * Chickpeas\n  * Fava beans\n  * Green beans\n  * Green peas\n  * Kidney beans\n  * Lentils\n  * Navy beans\n  * Pinto beans\n  * Soybeans\/Edamame\n  * Tempeh\n  * Tofu\n\n**Grains**\n\n  * Brown rice\n  * Buckwheat\n  * Bulgur wheat\n  * Corn\n  * Oats\n  * Quinoa\n  * Seitan\n  * Soba noodles\n  * Whole-grain bread\n\n**Nuts**\n\n  * Almond\n  * Brazil\n  * Cashew\n  * Hazelnut\n  * Macadamia\n  * Peanuts\n  * Pecan\n  * Walnut\n\n**Seeds**\n\n  * Chia\n  * Flax\n  * Hemp\n  * Pumpkin\n  * Sesame\n  * Sunflower\n\n**Vegetables**\n\n  * Artichoke\n  * Asparagus\n  * Avocado\n  * Broccoli\n  * Brussels sprouts\n  * Corn\n  * Kale\n  * Mushrooms\n  * Potatoes\n  * Spinach\n  * Spring greens\n\n**Spreads**\n\n  * Hummus and tahini\n  * Nut butter\n\n**Other**\n\n  * Dark chocolate\n  * Goji berries\n  * Nutritional yeast\n  * Plant-based cheese\n  * Spirulina\n\n**Nutrients and their sources**\n\n**Calcium**\n\nStrengthens bones and teeth, helps blood to clot, aids brain function, and helps muscles to contract.\n\n  * Nondairy fortified milks and yogurts\n  * Tofu\n  * Almonds\n  * Brazil nuts\n  * Chickpeas\n  * Bok choy\n  * Curly kale\n  * Spring greens\n  * Watercress\n  * Figs\n  * Oranges\n\n**Vitamin A**\n\nHelps your body's immune system to work properly. Aids vision in dim light. Keeps skin and the lining of some parts of the body, such as the nose, healthy.\n\n  * Butternut squash\n  * Cantaloupe\n  * Carrots and carrot juice\n  * Kale\n  * Pumpkin\n  * Spinach\n  * Sweet potatoes\n  * Supplements\n\n**Vitamin D**\n\nHelps keep bones, teeth, and muscles healthy. Plays an important role in cancer prevention, mental health, and bone protection.\n\n  * Fortified cereals, soy products and spreads\n  * Sunshine! Make sure you get out in the sun for 10 minutes every day\n  * Supplements, if necessary\n\n**Iodine**\n\nImportant for normal functioning and growth of the body. Plays an important role in the functioning of the thyroid gland.\n\n  * Fortified almond, soy, oat, hemp milk\n  * Kelp, seaweed, nori, and sea vegetables\n  * Iodine supplements\n\n**Magnesium**\n\nEssential for hundreds of reactions in your body, such as repairing and regenerating cells and providing energy, so don't be deficient! It's found in chlorophyll (found in green plants), so eat loads of green!\n\n  * Avocados\n  * Chard\n  * Spinach\n  * Black beans\n  * Bananas\n  * Figs\n  * Almonds\n  * Pumpkin seeds\n  * Dark chocolate\n\n**Zinc**\n\nHelps regulate and improve functioning of the immune system.\n\n  * Leafy green vegetables\n  * Legumes\n  * Sprouted seeds and beans\n  * Nuts\n  * Seeds\n  * Oats\n\n**Vitamin B12**\n\nHelps maintain nerve cells, including those in the brain. It helps your mood, energy, heart, digestion, and more. Vitamin B12 isn't found naturally in plants, but you can get yours from loads of other sources.\n\n  * B12 supplements\n  * Fortified cereals and nondairy milks\n  * Fortified fruit and vegetable juices\n  * Nutritional yeast\n  * Yeast extract (e.g., Marmite or Vegemite)\n\n**Iron**\n\nEssential for good metabolism, healthy blood flow, and therefore oxygenation of the body. Improves muscle and brain function.\n\n  * Artichokes\n  * Dark green leafy veg\n  * Sweet potatoes\n  * Beans\n  * Chickpeas and tahini\n  * Green peas\n  * Lentils\n  * Cashews\n  * Pistachios\n  * Pumpkin, pumpkin seeds, and sesame seeds\n  * Dried fruit (e.g., dates, figs, prunes, and apricots)\n  * Tofu\n  * Dark chocolate\n\n**Omega 3**\n\nImportant for proper brain function and maintaining a healthy cardiovascular system.\n\n  * Chia seeds\n  * Ground flaxseed\n  * Hemp seeds\n  * Walnuts and walnut oil\n  * Flaxseed, canola, and hempseed oils\n  * Algae-based supplements\n\n**Fiber**\n\nHelps the body's digestive system, promotes a healthy biome (your gut bacteria), and helps you regulate your weight.\n\n  * Baked potato (with skin)\n  * Beans\n  * Berries\n  * Bran cereal\n  * Brown rice\n  * Nuts and seeds\n  * Oatmeal\n  * Popcorn\n  * Vegetables (the crunchier the better)\n  * Whole grains, whole-grain bread, whole-grain pasta etc.\n\nThanks\n\nFirst and foremost we would like to thank YOU for reading this book. We hope you love it, and that you find your new favorite recipe in here.\n\nSecond and of equal importance, we want to thank every one of our fans. Every single person who has ever watched, shared, liked, or commented on one of our recipes. Thanks so much for being part of the BOSH! journey. We love you all!\n\nWe would like to thank Lisa Milton, Rachel Kenny, Louise McGrory, Sarah Hammond, JP, Georgina Green, Darren Shoffren, Ben North, Sophie Calder, Alison Lindsay, Bengono Bessala, and all the great people at HQ and HarperCollins who have embraced us with open arms and embarked on a huge journey with us. Liate Stehlik, Lynn Grady, Cassie Jones, Kaitlin Harri, Anwesha Basu, Kara Zauberman, Tavia Kowalchuk at William Morrow. Whatever you would do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Lizzie Mayson, Pip Spence, and Sarah Birks for creating seriously amazing works of art out of our recipes, and for having such a fun month with us along with Steph McLeod, Josh Payne, Clare Gray, Esther Clark, Nicola Roberts, and Amy Stephenson. Paul Palmer-Edwards at Grade for the book design and the patience. Also, Caroline McArthur, Helena Caldon, Jenna Leiter, Katy Gilhooly, and Jordan Bourke. Dr. Rupy Aujla at The Doctor's Kitchen for some badass nutrition tips.\n\nRachel, Mary, Georgie, Sophie, Blaise, Gemma, Lucy, Avril, and everyone at James Grant for seeing the potential and jumping on board, then helping us grow, grow, and grow. Megan, Becky, and Sarah and all at Carver PR for all their great work, and the fun we've had together!\n\nCathy, for being a badass with a camera and a machine, a badass cook, and true friend. Bonita, Beverley, and all those who helped out as part of the BOSH! team for bringing such great work to the world and helping us test our recipes again and again and again. Sarah Durber, for your ongoing hustle and ability to help us get shit done. This book is here thanks to your badassness.\n\nJamie, Paul, Henry, Mitch, Molly, Joe, Stefane, Chris, Bamber, Teej, Lewis, Sami, Chan, Adam, Raman, and every other world-class human at Jungle Creations for supporting us thus far. You guys rock. Pasa, the absolute legend, for all the fun of Pashover and the important introductions you continue to make. Luke Robinson, chef extraordinaire, for being a culinary wizard, an inspiration, and for your help kicking off BOSH! with a bang. Dawn Carr for being a badass. James Heaphy and Oli for finding the time to nail our first few shoots with awesome footage (in between cigarette breaks).\n\nAdam Biddle, for introducing Ian and me to the benefits of plant-based vegan food, the myths surrounding protein, and the wonders of the black. Tim Stillwell at Burrito Kitchen for the giggles. Natalie and everyone at the Good agency for your badass brains. Taimi for your wonderful designs, your incredible work, and your altruistic spirit.\n\nAll the people in our world who are striving to make positive changes. There are so many, but for those who have made a difference in our lives: Damien Clarkson and Judy Nadel at Vevolution, Matthew Glover and Jane Land at Veganuary, James Aspey, Serena @vegansofldn, Ellie @kindstateofmind, Robbie and Klaus at @plantbasednews, everyone at Mercy4Animals, PETA, Kate and the whole team at Animal Equality. Harriet Emily for THAT chocolate cake.\n\nTommy Marshall (Third Person Lurkin), Derek Sarno, Tim Shieff, Grace Regan, Kate Werner, Morgan Masters, Deni Kirkova, Louis Buck, Nicky Johnston, Danny Howells, and Rachel Smith.\n\n**IAN THEASBY**\n\nHenry, for your unwavering friendship, insane drive, and faith in me. Mum, Dad, and Frances, for the constant love and support\u2014thank you. Alex, for being there every step of the way. Tom, for being a real level-headed force. Jenny, for your unrivaled and infectious positivity. Kweku, you're a don mega. Joe, for all those late-night chats. Mase, for knowing exactly what the dilly be.\n\nZulf, your wise words always resonate. CB, for being the ultimate yeah yeah yeah man. Addison, you're one of God's finest. Ben, for being the best rapper alive. Molly, you gave me more drive than you'll ever know. Prosecco Club, stand up! All the London crew for your love and loyalty\u2014you know who you are. And all the Sheffield crew for being there since day one.\n\n**HENRY FIRTH**\n\nIan, for your friendship, creativity, work ethic, and patience. Emily-Jane Williams, for being a true worldy and inspiration. Jamie Bolding, for being a hustler, a friend, and a driving force in the world. Jane, Mark, Alice, and Graham for being awesome. Michael, Bruce, Jean, Gus, Arthur, Nick, Sukey, Alison, Curtis, Claire, Nick, and all my family, for their love and support. Kweku, for your expert advice and fun times. Alex for two years on the ship.\n\nAlex and Catherine, for being awesome. Nat and Khairan, for being the coolest people I know. Duncan and Martha plus Ernie, for making me cry. Tim and Susie, for pushing the bunny to the front of Wren's pram. Addison and Claire. Josh, Charlotte, and Leo. Ekow, Claire, and Hugo. Marcus, Ellie, and Jasper. JP, Alex, Anna, Ellie, Taz, Bev, and all the Allplants crew for all the love and support during the early days of BOSH!\nIndex\n\nThe pagination of this digital edition does not match the print edition from which the index was created. To locate a specific entry, please use your ebook reader's search tools.\n\nAioli, Proper Spanish 192\n\nalmond milk: Easy Almond Baileys 214\n\nalmonds: Peshwari Naan Bread 205\n\napples: Apple Pear Pie 250\n\nTurmeric Powershot 276\n\nAquafaba Chocolate Mousse 242\n\nartichoke hearts: Middle East Pizza 108\n\nPettigrew's Paella 114\u201315\n\nAsian BBQ Marinade 179\n\nasparagus: Irresistible Risotto 60\n\nLemon & Chili Grilled Greens 147\n\navocados: Avocado Toast Pizza 111\n\nBeet, Onion & Sweet Potato Salad 155\n\nBig Bhaji Burger 67\n\nThe Big Breakfast 265\n\nGuaca Maki Rolls 174\n\nGuacamole Potato Cake 151\n\nGuacaroni 26\n\nGuacummus 199\n\nSatay Maki Rolls 175\n\nSouthwest BOSH! Bowl 159\n\nUltimate Guacamole 194\n\nBaba Ganoush 193\n\nBacardi: Miami Vice 221\n\nPi\u00f1a Colada 221\n\nBaileys, 5-minute Almond 214\n\nbananas: Banana Bread 262\n\nBanana Pancakes 254\n\nChoconana Protein Shake 276\n\nBangin' Salsa 195\n\nBangin' Veggie Kebabs 178\n\nbasil: Basil Tomatoes 266\n\nFiery Chili Pesto 195\n\nPesto 138\u20139\n\nPesto Hummus 199\n\nbeans 15\n\nThe Big Breakfast 265\n\nThe Big Green BOSH! Bowl 163\n\n_see also_ black beans, kidney beans etc.\n\nbean sprouts: Mushroom Pho 25\n\nPad Thai 42\n\nB\u00e9chamel Sauce 51, 120\u20131, 138\u20139\n\nbeer: Mushroom & Guinness Pie 56\n\nBeet, Onion & Sweet Potato Salad 155\n\nberries: Chocolate Croissant Tearer Sharer 269\n\nMixed Berry Crumble 246\n\nThe Best-dressed BOSH! Bowl 160\n\nBhaji Burger 67\n\nBig Bad Nachos 103\n\nBig Bhaji Burger 67\n\nThe Big BOSH! Burger 119\n\nThe Big BOSH! Roast 127\u201331\n\nThe Big Breakfast 265\u20137\n\nThe Big Green BOSH! Bowl 163\n\nblack beans: The Big BOSH! Burger 119\n\nBurrito Hummus 199\n\nBurrito Samosas 90\u20131\n\nGiant Burrito Cake 94\u20135\n\nMini Chili Bowls 33\n\nPastaball Marinara 72\u20133\n\nSouthwest BOSH! Bowl 159\n\nUltimate Chili 102\n\nBlack Pepper Sauce 53\n\nbok choy: Mushroom Pho 25\n\nBOSH! Bowls 164\n\nThe Best-dressed BOSH! Bowl 160\n\nThe Big Green BOSH! Bowl 163\n\nFalafel BOSH! Bowl 152\n\nSatay Sweet Potato BOSH! Bowl 156\n\nSouthwest BOSH! Bowl 159\n\nbread: The Big Breakfast 265\n\nGarlic Naan Bread 204\n\nJane's Pan Con Tomate 187\n\nNaan Bread 203\n\nPeshwari Naan Bread 205\n\nSimple Japanese Breakfast 270\n\n_see also_ toast\n\nBreakfast Smoothies 274\u20137\n\nbroccoli: The Big Green BOSH! Bowl 163\n\nCreamy Mac & Greens 51\n\nSatay Sweet Potato BOSH! Bowl 156\n\nBrownies, Gooey PBJ 234\n\nBuffalo Wings, Cauliflower 168\n\nburgers: Big Bhaji Burger 67\n\nThe Big BOSH! Burger 119\n\nPortobello Mushroom Burgers 45\n\nburritos: Burrito Hummus 199\n\nBurrito Samosas 90\u20131\n\nGiant Burrito Cake 94\u20135\n\nSweet Pepper Fajitas 77\n\nbutter beans: Pettigrew's Paella 114\u201315\n\nbutternut squash: The Best-dressed BOSH! Bowl 160\n\nCreamy Korma 71\n\nRich & Creamy Lasagna 120\u20131\n\nRosemary & Thyme Roast Vegetables 130\n\ncabbage _see_ red cabbage\n\ncakes: Banana Bread 262\n\nCarrot Cake 236\n\nGooey PBJ Brownies 234\n\nPain au Chocolat Loaf Cake 239\n\nUltimate Chocolate Fudge Cake 240\n\ncalcium 281\n\ncannellini beans: Smoky BBQ Beans on Toast 260\n\ncapers 15\n\nCreamy Seaside Pie 68\n\nPasta Caponata 64\n\nTartare Sauce 136\n\ncaramel: Salted Caramel Chocolate Crunch Tart 248\n\nSalted Caramel Espresso Martini 214\n\nSticky Toffee Pudding 245\n\nCarbonara, Creamy 22\n\ncarrots: Carrot Cake 236\n\nGinger Ninja 218\n\nRosemary & Thyme Roast Vegetables 130\n\nSpiral Tart 124\n\ncashew nuts 15\n\nB\u00e9chamel Sauce 120\u20131, 138\u20139\n\nCashew Cream 228\n\nCreamy Carbonara 22\n\nGarlic & Herb Cashew Cheese 210\n\nRanch Sauce 168\n\nCauliflower Buffalo Wings 168\n\ncheese, dairy-free 15\n\nBurrito Samosas 90\u20131\n\nCreamy Mac & Greens 51\n\nGarlic & Herb Cashew Cheese 210\n\nGiant Burrito Cake 94\u20135\n\nchestnuts: Mushroom Wellington 128\u20139\n\nchickpeas 15\n\nClassic Hummus 199\n\nFalafel BOSH! Bowl 152\n\nGuacummus 199\n\nMezze Cake 98\u20139\n\nOlive Tapenade Hummus 199\n\nPesto Hummus 199\n\nPopcorn Falafel 172\n\nRoasted Garlic Hummus 198\n\nSatay Hummus 199\n\nSun-dried Tomato Hummus 198\n\nchilies: Amazing Chili Sauce 194\n\nAsian BBQ Marinade 179\n\nBangin' Salsa 195\n\nBig Bad Nachos 103\n\nCrispy Chili Tofu 46\n\nFiery Chili Pesto 195\n\nLemon & Chili Griddled Greens 147\n\nMini Chili Bowls 33\n\nPatatas Bravas 189\n\nQuick Puttanesca Spaghetti 34\n\nRich Satay Marinade 179\n\nSpicy Shashlik Marinade 179\n\nUltimate Chili 102\n\nChips, \"Fish\" & 134\u20135\n\nchocolate: Aquafaba Chocolate Mousse 242\n\nBanana Bread 262\n\nChocolate Chip Cookies 231\n\nChocolate Croissant Tearer Sharer 269\n\nChocolate Granola 257\n\nChocolate Icing 239, 240\n\nChoconana Protein Shake 276\n\nGooey PBJ Brownies 234\n\nPain au Chocolat Loaf Cake 239\n\nSalted Caramel Chocolate Crunch Tart 248\n\nSpanish Beach Churros 232\n\nUltimate Chocolate Fudge Cake 240\n\nChurros, Spanish Beach 232\n\ncocktails 213\u201325\n\nEasy Almond Baileys 214\n\nFruity Fire 219\n\nGinger & Lemongrass Mojito 223\n\nGinger Ninja 218\n\nMango Hard 219\n\nMiami Vice 221\n\nSalted Caramel Espresso Martini 214\n\nSmoochies 216\u201319\n\nSpicy Mojito 223\n\nWatermelon J\u00e4gerbomb Punch 225\n\ncoconut cream: Pi\u00f1a Colada 221\n\nSalted Caramel Chocolate Crunch Tart 248\n\ncoconut milk 15\n\nCreamy Korma 71\n\nMassaman Curry 93\n\nThai Red Curry 78\n\ncoffee: Easy Almond Baileys 214\n\nSalted Caramel Espresso Martini 214\n\nColeslaw, Ultimate BBQ 148\n\nCookies, Chocolate Chip 231\n\ncorn: Southwest BOSH! Bowl 159\n\ncroissants: Chocolate Croissant Tearer Sharer 269\n\nPain au Chocolat Loaf Cake 239\n\nCrumble, Mixed Berry 246\n\ncucumber: Greek Salad 152\n\nGuaca Maki Rolls 174\n\nHoisin Pancakes 183\n\nJane's Mint Raita 204\n\nSatay Maki Rolls 175\n\nSesame Cucumbers 270\n\ncurry: Creamy Korma 71\n\nCurry-crusted Sweet Potatoes 29\n\nMassaman Curry 93\n\nRogan BOSH! 74\n\nSaag Aloo Curry 82\n\nSweet & Sour Crispy Tofu 59\n\nThai Red Curry 78\n\nTom Yum Soup 63\n\ndaikon: Japanese Pickle 271\n\nDaiquiri, Strawberry 221\n\ndates: Sticky Toffee Pudding 245\n\ndips: Baba Ganoush 193\n\nhummus 198\u20139\n\nOlive Tapenade 192\n\nProper Spanish Aioli 192\n\nRich Satay Sauce 193\n\nShiitake Teriyaki Dippers 171\n\nUltimate Guacamole 194\n\n_see also_ sauces\n\ndrinks: Breakfast Smoothies 274\u20137\n\ncocktails 213\u201325\n\nEasy Almond Baileys 214\n\nEasy Peasy Pasta 41\n\neggplant: Baba Ganoush 193\n\nBangin' Veggie Kebabs 178\n\nMezze Cake 98\u20139\n\nPasta Caponata 64\n\nRed Ratatouille Risotto 81\n\nRich & Creamy Lasagna 120\u20131\n\nRogan BOSH! 74\n\nSpiral Tart 124\n\nWorld's Best Pesto Lasagna 138\u20139\n\nequipment 14\n\nFajitas, Sweet Pepper 77\n\nfalafel: Falafel BOSH! Bowl 152\n\nMezze Cake 98\u20139\n\nPopcorn Falafel 172\n\nFiery Chili Pesto 195\n\n\"Fish\" & Chips 134\u20136\n\nFrench Onion Soup 184\n\nfruit 12, 13\n\nChocolate Croissant Tearer Sharer 269\n\nMixed Berry Crumble 246\n\n_see also_ apples, strawberries etc.\n\nFruity Fire 219\n\nFudge Cake, Ultimate Chocolate 240\n\nfusilli: Easy Peasy Pasta 41\n\ngarlic 15\n\nCreamy Garlic Mushroom Toast 259\n\nGarlic & Herb Cashew Cheese 210\n\nGarlic Mushrooms 188\n\nGarlic Naan Bread 204\n\nProper Spanish Aioli 192\n\nRoasted Garlic Hummus 198\n\ngherkins: Tartare Sauce 136\n\nGiant Burrito Cake 94\u20135\n\nginger: Ginger & Lemongrass Mojito 223\n\nGinger Ninja 218\n\nOrange & Ginger Sauce 53\n\nGooey PBJ Brownies 234\n\ngrains 280\n\nGranola, Chocolate 257\n\nGravy, Red Wine 131\n\nGreek Salad 152\n\ngreen beans: Irresistible Risotto 60\n\nMassaman Curry 93\n\nPettigrew's Paella 114\u201315\n\nGreen Goddess 277\n\nguacamole: Big Bad Nachos 103\n\nGuaca Maki Rolls 174\n\nGuacamole Potato Cake 151\n\nGuacaroni 26\n\nGuacummus 199\n\nUltimate Guacamole 194\n\nGuinness: Mushroom & Guinness Pie 56\n\nHash Browns 267\n\nHasselback Potatoes, Peri Peri 190\n\nhazelnuts: Salted Caramel Chocolate Crunch Tart 248\n\nHerb Mushrooms 266\n\nherbs 15\n\nHoisin Pancakes 183\n\nhummus: Burrito Hummus 199\n\nClassic Hummus 199\n\nFalafel BOSH! Bowl 152\n\nGuacummus 199\n\nMezze Cake 98\u20139\n\nOlive Tapenade Hummus 199\n\nPesto Hummus 199\n\nRoasted Garlic Hummus 198\n\nSatay Hummus 199\n\nSatay Sweet Potato BOSH! Bowl 156\n\nSun-dried Tomato Hummus 198\n\nice cream, dairy-free 15\n\nicing 236\n\nChocolate Icing 239, 240\n\ningredients 15\n\niodine 281\n\niron 281\n\nIrresistible Risotto 60\n\nJack Daniel's: Easy Almond Baileys 214\n\njackfruit: Jackfruit Tacos 48\n\nJerk Jackfruit & Plantain Pizza 112\n\nJ\u00e4germeister: Watermelon J\u00e4gerbomb Punch 225\n\nJane's Mint Raita 204\n\nJane's Pan Con Tomate 187\n\nJapanese Breakfast 270\n\nJapanese Pickle 271\n\nJerk Jackfruit & Plantain Pizza 112\n\nkale: Green Goddess 277\n\nNice Spice Rice 38\n\nKebabs, Bangin' Veggie 178\n\nkidney beans: Mini Chili Bowls 33\n\nSweet Pepper Fajitas 77\n\nUltimate Chili 102\n\nKorma, Creamy 71\n\nLasagna: Rich & Creamy Lasagna 120\u20131\n\nWorld's Best Pesto Lasagna 138\u20139\n\nlegumes 280\n\nLemon & Chili Griddled Greens 147\n\nlemongrass: Ginger & Lemongrass Mojito 223\n\nlentils: The Best-dressed BOSH! Bowl 160\n\nShepherd's Potato 85\n\nlimes: Pad Thai 42\n\nRich Satay Marinade 179\n\nmacadamia nuts: Irresistible Risotto 60\n\nmacaroni: Creamy Mac & Greens 51\n\nGuacaroni 26\n\nmagnesium 281\n\nMaki Sushi Rolls 174\u20135\n\nmangoes: Mango Hard 219\n\nWatermelon Heaven 218\n\nmarinades 179\n\nAsian BBQ Marinade 179\n\nRich Satay Marinade 179\n\nSpicy Shashlik Marinade 179\n\nMarinara Sauce 72\u20133\n\nMartini, Salted Caramel Espresso 214\n\nMassaman Curry 93\n\nmayonnaise: Tartare Sauce 136\n\nUltimate BBQ Coleslaw 148\n\nmelon: Watermelon J\u00e4gerbomb Punch 225\n\nMezze Cake 98\u20139\n\nMiami Vice 221\n\nMiddle East Pizza 108\n\nmilk, plant-based 15\n\nChoconana Protein Shake 276\n\nminerals 281\n\nMini Chili Bowls 33\n\nMini Pizza Tarts 37\n\nmint: Jane's Mint Raita 204\n\nMinted Mushy Peas 136\n\nMixed Berry Crumble 246\n\nMojitos 222\u20133\n\nGinger & Lemongrass Mojito 223\n\nSpicy Mojito 223\n\nMousse, Aquafaba Chocolate 242\n\nmushrooms: Bangin' Veggie Kebabs 178\n\nCreamy Carbonara 22\n\nCreamy Garlic Mushroom Toast 259\n\nCreamy Mac & Greens 51\n\nCreamy Seaside Pie 68\n\nGarlic Mushrooms 188\n\nHerb Mushrooms 266\n\nHoisin Pancakes 183\n\nMushroom & Guinness Pie 56\n\nMushroom Pho 25\n\nMushroom Wellington 128\u20139\n\nPortobello Mushroom Burgers 45\n\nShepherd's Potato 85\n\nShiitake Teriyaki Dippers 171\n\nSpaghetti Bolognese 86\n\nSticky Shiitake Mushrooms 30\n\nThai Red Curry 78\n\nTom Yum Soup 63\n\nUltimate Chili 102\n\nNaan Bread 203\n\nGarlic Naan Bread 204\n\nPeshwari Naan Bread 205\n\nNachos, Big Bad 103\n\nNice Spice Rice 38\n\nnoodles 15\n\nMushroom Pho 25\n\nPad Thai 42\n\nStir-fry Noodles 52\n\nnori 15\n\n\"Fish\" & Chips 134\u20135\n\nGuaca Maki Rolls 174\n\nSatay Maki Rolls 175\n\nnutrition 280\u20131\n\nnuts 13, 280\n\nChocolate Granola 257\n\noats: Chocolate Granola 257\n\nMixed Berry Crumble 246\n\nolive oil 15\n\nolives 15\n\nGreek Salad 152\n\nOlive Tapenade 192\n\nOlive Tapenade Hummus 199\n\nPasta Caponata 64\n\nQuick Puttanesca Spaghetti 34\n\nOmega 3, 281\n\nonions: Beet, Onion & Sweet Potato Salad 155\n\nBig Bhaji Burger 67\n\nFrench Onion Soup 184\n\nMini Pizza Tarts 37\n\nOnion Fried Rice 208\n\noranges: Orange & Ginger Sauce 53\n\nTurmeric Powershot 276\n\nPad Thai 42\n\nPaella, Pettigrew's 114\u201315\n\nPain au Chocolat Loaf Cake 239\n\npancakes: Banana Pancakes 254\n\nHoisin Pancakes 183\n\nparsnips: Rosemary & Thyme Roast Vegetables 130\n\npasta 15\n\nCreamy Carbonara 22\n\nCreamy Mac & Greens 51\n\nEasy Peasy Pasta 41\n\nGuacaroni 26\n\nPasta Caponata 64\n\nPastaball Marinara 72\u20133\n\nQuick Puttanesca Spaghetti 34\n\nRich & Creamy Lasagna 120\u20131\n\nSpaghetti Bolognese 86\n\nWorld's Best Pesto Lasagna 138\u20139\n\npastries: Chocolate Croissant Tearer Sharer 269\n\nPain au Chocolat Loaf Cake 239\n\nPatatas Bravas 189\n\npeanut butter 15\n\nGooey PBJ Brownies 234\n\nNice Spice Rice 38\n\nRich Satay Marinade 179\n\nRich Satay Sauce 193\n\nSatay Hummus 199\n\nSatay Sweet Potato BOSH! Bowl 156\n\npeanut oil 15\n\npeanuts: Pad Thai 42\n\npears: Apple Pear Pie 250\n\npeas: Beet, Onion & Sweet Potato Salad 155\n\nCreamy Carbonara 22\n\nCreamy Seaside Pie 68\n\nMinted Mushy Peas 136\n\npecans: Banana Bread 262\n\nMushroom Wellington 128\u20139\n\nSalted Caramel Chocolate Crunch Tart 248\n\npenne pasta: Pasta Caponata 64\n\npepper 15\n\npeppers, bell 15\n\nAmazing Chili Sauce 194\n\nBangin' Salsa 195\n\nBangin' Veggie Kebabs 178\n\nThe Best-dressed BOSH! Bowl 160\n\nBurrito Samosas 90\u20131\n\nEasy Peasy Pasta 41\n\nFiery Chili Pesto 195\n\nGiant Burrito Cake 94\u20135\n\nMassaman Curry 93\n\nMezze Cake 98\u20139\n\nMini Chili Bowls 33\n\nNice Spice Rice 38\n\nOlive Tapenade Hummus 199\n\nPettigrew's Paella 114\u201315\n\nSweet & Sour Crispy Tofu 59\n\nSweet Pepper Fajitas 77\n\nThai Red Curry 78\n\nUltimate Chili 102\n\nWorld's Best Pesto Lasagna 138\u20139\n\nPeri Peri Hasselback Potatoes 190\n\nPeshwari Naan Bread 205\n\npesto: Fiery Chili Pesto 195\n\nPesto Hummus 199\n\nWorld's Best Pesto Lasagna 138\u20139\n\nPettigrew's Paella 114\u201315\n\nPho, Mushroom 25\n\nPickle, Japanese 271\n\npies: Apple Pear Pie 250\n\nCreamy Seaside Pie 68\n\nMushroom & Guinness Pie 56\n\nMushroom Wellington 128\u20139\n\nPi\u00f1a Colada 221\n\npine nuts: Fiery Chili Pesto 195\n\nPesto 138\u20139\n\npineapple: Fruity Fire 219\n\nPi\u00f1a Colada 221\n\nSweet & Sour Crispy Tofu 59\n\npizza: Avocado Toast Pizza 111\n\nBasic Pizza Dough 107\n\nMiddle East Pizza 108\n\nMini Pizza Tarts 37\n\nplantain: Jerk Jackfruit & Plantain Pizza 112\n\npomegranate: Tomato & Pomegranate Salad 144\n\nPopcorn Falafel 172\n\nPortobello Mushroom Burgers 45\n\npotatoes: Burrito Samosas 90\u20131\n\nCreamy Seaside Pie 68\n\n\"Fish\" & Chips 134\u20135\n\nGuacamole Potato Cake 151\n\nHash Browns 267\n\nMassaman Curry 93\n\nPatatas Bravas 189\n\nPeri Peri Hasselback Potatoes 190\n\nRosemary & Thyme Roast Vegetables 130\n\nSaag Aloo Curry 82\n\nShepherd's Potato 85\n\nPunch, Watermelon J\u00e4gerbomb 225\n\nPuttanesca Spaghetti 34\n\nquinoa: Satay Sweet Potato BOSH! Bowl 156\n\nraisins, golden: Carrot Cake 236\n\nRaita, Jane's Mint 204\n\nRanch Sauce 168\n\nraspberries: Gooey PBJ Brownies 234\n\nRatatouille Risotto 81\n\nred cabbage: Ultimate BBQ Coleslaw 148\n\nRed Ratatouille Risotto 81\n\nRed Wine Gravy 131\n\nrefried beans: Sweet Pepper Fajitas 77\n\nrice 15\n\nThe Big BOSH! Burger 119\n\nThe Big Green BOSH! Bowl 163\n\nBurrito Samosas 90\u20131\n\nGiant Burrito Cake 94\u20135\n\nGuaca Maki Rolls 174\n\nIrresistible Risotto 60\n\nMezze Cake 98\u20139\n\nNice Spice Rice 38\n\nOnion Fried Rice 208\n\nPerfectly Boiled Rice 207\n\nPettigrew's Paella 114\u201315\n\nRed Ratatouille Risotto 81\n\nSatay Maki Rolls 175\n\nSouthwest BOSH! Bowl 159\n\nSpecial Fried Rice 209\n\nSticky Shiitake Mushrooms 30\n\nSweet Pepper Fajitas 77\n\nrisotto: Irresistible Risotto 60\n\nRed Ratatouille Risotto 81\n\nRoast, The Big BOSH! 127\u201331\n\nRogan BOSH! 74\n\nRosemary & Thyme Roast Vegetables 130\n\nrum: Fruity Fire 219\n\nGinger & Lemongrass Mojito 223\n\nMango Hard 219\n\nMiami Vice 221\n\nPi\u00f1a Colada 221\n\nSpicy Mojito 223\n\nWatermelon Heaven 218\n\nSaag Aloo Curry 82\n\nsalads: Beet, Onion & Sweet Potato Salad 155\n\nGreek Salad 152\n\nSatay Sweet Potato BOSH! Bowl 156\n\nTomato & Pomegranate Salad 144\n\nUltimate BBQ Coleslaw 148\n\nsalsas: Bangin' Salsa 195\n\nBig Bad Nachos 103\n\nsalt 15\n\nSalted Caramel Chocolate Crunch Tart 248\n\nSalted Caramel Espresso Martini 214\n\nSamosas, Burrito 90\u20131\n\nSatay Hummus 199\n\nSatay Maki Rolls 175\n\nSatay Marinade 179\n\nSatay Sauce 193\n\nSatay Sweet Potato BOSH! Bowl 156\n\nsauces: Amazing Chili Sauce 194\n\nBasic Stir-fry Sauce 53\n\nB\u00e9chamel Sauce 51, 120\u20131, 138\u20139\n\nBlack Pepper Sauce 53\n\nChocolate Sauce 232\n\nJerk Sauce 112\n\nMarinara Sauce 72\u20133\n\nOrange & Ginger Sauce 53\n\nRanch Sauce 168\n\nRed Wine Gravy 131\n\nSweet & Sour Sauce 53\n\nTartare Sauce 136\n\nTomato Sauce 37, 86, 112, 120\u20131\n\n_see also_ dips\n\nsausages, vegan: The Big Breakfast 265\n\nScones, Shirley's Sheffield 228\n\nSeaside Pie 68\n\nseeds 13, 280\n\nSesame Cucumbers 270\n\nShashlik Marinade 179\n\nShepherd's Potato 85\n\nShiitake Teriyaki Dippers 171\n\nShirley's Sheffield Scones 228\n\nSmoky BBQ Beans on Toast 260\n\nSmoochies 216\u201319\n\nSmoothies 274\u20137\n\nsoups: French Onion Soup 184\n\nMushroom Pho 25\n\nTom Yum Soup 63\n\nSouthwest BOSH! Bowl 159\n\nsoy cream 15\n\nspaghetti: Creamy Carbonara 22\n\nQuick Puttanesca Spaghetti 34\n\nSpaghetti Bolognese 86\n\nSpanish Aioli 192\n\nSpanish Beach Churros 232\n\nSpanish Tapas 187\u20139\n\nSpecial Fried Rice 209\n\nspices 12, 13\n\nspinach: Beet, Onion & Sweet Potato Salad 155\n\nGreen Goddess 277\n\nRich & Creamy Lasagna 120\u20131\n\nSpiral Tart 124\n\nspreads 280\n\nsquash _see_ butternut squash\n\nSticky Toffee Pudding 245\n\nStir-fry Noodles 52\n\nstrawberries: Fruity Fire 219\n\nMiami Vice 221\n\nWatermelon Heaven 218\n\nsun-dried tomatoes 15\n\nSun-dried Tomato Hummus 198\n\nsushi rice: Guaca Maki Rolls 174\n\nSatay Maki Rolls 175\n\nSweet & Sour Crispy Tofu 59\n\nSweet & Sour Sauce 53\n\nsweet potatoes: Beet, Onion & Sweet Potato Salad 155\n\nThe Big BOSH! Burger 119\n\nCreamy Korma 71\n\nCurry-crusted Sweet Potatoes 29\n\nGiant Burrito Cake 94\u20135\n\nMassaman Curry 93\n\nSatay Sweet Potato BOSH! Bowl 156\n\nTacos, Jackfruit 48\n\nTapas, Spanish 187\u20139\n\ntapenade: Olive Tapenade 192\n\nOlive Tapenade Hummus 199\n\nTartare Sauce 136\n\ntarts: Mini Pizza Tarts 37\n\nSalted Caramel Chocolate Crunch Tart 248\n\nSpiral Tart 124\n\nThai Red Curry 78\n\ntoast: Creamy Garlic Mushroom Toast 259\n\nSmoky BBQ Beans on Toast 260\n\nTofu Scramble on Toast 261\n\ntofu 15\n\nCreamy Carbonara 22\n\nCrispy Chili Tofu 46\n\n\"Fish\" & Chips 134\u20135\n\nPad Thai 42\n\nSpecial Fried Rice 209\n\nTofu Scramble on Toast 261\n\nTom Yum Soup 63\n\ntomatoes 15\n\nBangin' Salsa 195\n\nBasil Tomatoes 266\n\nEasy Peasy Pasta 41\n\nGreek Salad 152\n\nGuacamole Potato Cake 151\n\nJane's Pan Con Tomate 187\n\nMiddle East Pizza 108\n\nPasta Caponata 64\n\nPastaball Marinara 72\u20133\n\nPatatas Bravas 189\n\nQuick Puttanesca Spaghetti 34\n\nRed Ratatouille Risotto 81\n\nRich & Creamy Lasagna 120\u20131\n\nSmoky BBQ Beans on Toast 260\n\nSpaghetti Bolognese 86\n\nSun-dried Tomato Hummus 198\n\nThai Red Curry 78\n\nTom Yum Soup 63\n\nTomato & Pomegranate Salad 144\n\nTomato Sauce 37, 86, 112, 120\u20131\n\nUltimate Chili 102\n\nWorld's Best Pesto Lasagna 138\u20139\n\ntortilla chips: Big Bad Nachos 103\n\ntortillas: Burrito Samosas 90\u20131\n\nGiant Burrito Cake 94\u20135\n\nMini Chili Bowls 33\n\nSweet Pepper Fajitas 77\n\nTurmeric Powershot 276\n\nUltimate BBQ Coleslaw 148\n\nUltimate Chili 102\n\nUltimate Chocolate Fudge Cake 240\n\nUltimate Guacamole 194\n\nvegetables 13, 14, 280\n\n_see also_ peppers, tomatoes etc.\n\nvitamins 281\n\nvodka: Ginger Ninja 218\n\nSalted Caramel Espresso Martini 214\n\nwalnuts: Carrot Cake 236\n\nwater chestnuts: Tom Yum Soup 63\n\nwatermelon: Fruity Fire 219\n\nWatermelon Heaven 218\n\nWatermelon J\u00e4gerbomb Punch 225\n\nwine: Marinara Sauce 72\u20133\n\nRed Wine Gravy 131\n\nTomato Sauce 86\n\nUltimate Chili 102\n\nWorld's Best Pesto Lasagna 138\u20139\n\nyeast, nutritional 15\n\nyogurt: Jane's Mint Raita 204\n\nzinc 281\n\nzucchini: Mezze Cake 98\u20139\n\nMini Pizza Tarts 37\n\nRed Ratatouille Risotto 81\n\nSpiral Tart 124\n\nWorld's Best Pesto Lasagna 138\u20139\n\nCopyright\n\nBOSH! Copyright \u00a9 2018 by Henry Firth and Ian Theasby. Design and copyright \u00a9 2018 by HQ, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.\n\nOriginally published in the United Kingdom in 2018 by HQ, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.\n\nFIRST U.S. EDITION\n\nPhotography: Lizzie Mayson\n\nFood Styling: Pip Spence\n\nProp Styling: Sarah Birks\n\nDesign & Art Direction: Paul Palmer-Edwards, GradeDesign.com\n\nSenior Commissioning Editor: Rachel Kenny\n\nProject Editor: Sarah Hammond\n\nHead of Design: Louise McGrory\n\nDigital Edition MAY 2018 ISBN: 978-0-06-285026-3\n\nVersion 04202018\n\nPrint ISBN: 978-0-06-282068-6\nAbout the Publisher\n\n**Australia**\n\nHarperCollins Publishers Australia Pty. Ltd.\n\nLevel 13, 201 Elizabeth Street\n\nSydney, NSW 2000, Australia\n\nwww.harpercollins.com.au\n\n**Canada**\n\nHarperCollins Publishers Ltd\n\nBay Adelaide Centre, East Tower\n\n22 Adelaide Street West, 41st Floor\n\nToronto, Ontario, Canada\n\nM5H 4E3\n\nwww.harpercollins.ca\n\n**India**\n\nHarperCollins India\n\nA 75, Sector 57\n\nNoida\n\nUttar Pradesh 201 301\n\nwww.harpercollins.co.in\n\n**New Zealand**\n\nHarperCollins Publishers New Zealand\n\nUnit D1, 63 Apollo Drive\n\nRosedale 0632\n\nAuckland, New Zealand\n\nwww.harpercollins.co.nz\n\n**United Kingdom**\n\nHarperCollins Publishers Ltd.\n\n1 London Bridge Street\n\nLondon SE1 9GF, UK\n\nwww.harpercollins.co.uk\n\n**United States**\n\nHarperCollins Publishers Inc.\n\n195 Broadway\n\nNew York, NY 10007\n\nwww.harpercollins.com\nContents\n\n  1. _Cover_\n  2. _Title Page_\n  3. _Dedication_\n  4. _Welcome_\n  5. _This book_\n  6. _Your kitchen_\n  7. _Fantastic feasts_\n  8. 01 Quick Eats\n    1. Creamy Carbonara\n    2. Mushroom Pho\n    3. Guacaroni\n    4. Curry-Crusted Sweet Potatoes\n    5. Sticky Shiitake Mushrooms\n    6. Mini Chili Bowls\n    7. Quick Puttanesca Spaghetti\n    8. Mini Pizza Tarts\n    9. Nice Spice Rice\n    10. Easy Peasy Pasta\n    11. Pad Thai\n    12. Portobello Mushroom Burgers\n    13. Crispy Chili Tofu\n    14. Jackfruit Tacos\n    15. Creamy Mac & Greens\n    16. Stir-Fry Noodles\n    17. Sauce Recipes\n      1. Basic Stir-Fry\n      2. Sweet & Sour\n      3. Orange & Ginger\n      4. Black Pepper\n  9. 02 Big Eats\n    1. Mushroom & Guinness Pie\n    2. Sweet & Sour Crispy Tofu\n    3. Irresistible Risotto\n    4. Tom Yum Soup\n    5. Pasta Caponata\n    6. Big Bhaji Burger\n    7. Creamy Seaside Pie\n    8. Creamy Korma\n    9. Pastaball Marinara\n    10. Rogan BOSH!\n    11. Sweet Pepper Fajitas\n    12. Thai Red Curry\n    13. Red Ratatouille Risotto\n    14. Saag Aloo Curry\n    15. Shepherd's Potato\n    16. Spaghetti Bolognese\n  10. 03 Showpieces\n    1. Burrito Samosas\n    2. Massaman Curry\n    3. Giant Burrito Cake\n    4. Mezze Cake\n    5. Ultimate Chili\n    6. Big Bad Nachos\n    7. Perfect Pizza\n      1. Basic Pizza Dough\n      2. Middle East Pizza\n      3. Avocado Toast Pizza\n      4. Jerk Jackfruit & Plantain Pizza\n    8. Pettigrew's Paella\n    9. The Big BOSH! Burger\n    10. Rich & Creamy Lasagna\n    11. Spiral Tart\n    12. The Big BOSH! Roast\n      1. Mushroom Wellington\n      2. Rosemary & Thyme Roast Vegetables\n      3. Red Wine Gravy\n    13. \"Fish\" & Chips\n      1. Minted Mushy Peas\n      2. Tartare Sauce\n    14. World's Best Pesto Lasagna\n  11. 04 Greens & BOSH! Bowls\n    1. Tomato & Pomegranate Salad\n    2. Lemon & Chili Griddled Greens\n    3. Ultimate BBQ Coleslaw\n    4. Guacamole Potato Salad\n    5. Falafel BOSH! Bowl\n    6. Beet, Onion & Sweet Potato Salad\n    7. Satay Sweet Potato BOSH! Bowl\n    8. Southwest BOSH! Bowl\n    9. The Best-Dressed BOSH! Bowl\n    10. The Big Green BOSH! Bowl\n    11. Make Your Own BOSH! Bowls\n  12. 05 Small Plates & Sharers\n    1. Cauliflower Buffalo Wings\n    2. Shiitake Teriyaki Dippers\n    3. Popcorn Falafel\n    4. Maki Sushi Rolls\n      1. Guaca Maki Rolls\n      2. Satay Maki Rolls\n    5. Bangin' Veggie Kebabs\n    6. Marinades\n      1. Asian BBQ\n      2. Spicy Shashlik\n      3. Rich Satay\n    7. Hoisin Pancakes\n    8. French Onion Soup\n    9. Spanish Tapas\n      1. Jane's Pan Con Tomate\n      2. Garlic Mushrooms\n      3. Patatas Bravas\n    10. Peri Peri Hasselback Potatoes\n    11. All the Sauces\n      1. Olive Tapenade\n      2. Proper Spanish Aioli\n      3. Rich Satay Sauce\n      4. Baba Ganoush\n      5. Amazing Chili Sauce\n      6. Ultimate Guacamole\n      7. Bangin' Salsa\n      8. Fiery Chili Pesto\n    12. All the Hummus\n      1. Roasted Garlic Hummus\n      2. Sun-Dried Tomato Hummus\n      3. Olive Tapenade Hummus\n      4. Burrito Hummus\n      5. Classic Hummus\n      6. Pesto Hummus\n      7. Guacummus\n      8. Satay Hummus\n    13. Fluffy Naan Bread & Raita\n      1. Basic Naan Bread\n      2. Garlic Naan Bread\n      3. Jane's Mint Raita\n      4. Peshwari Naan Bread\n    14. Rice 3 Ways\n      1. Perfectly Boiled Rice\n      2. Onion Fried Rice\n      3. Special Fried Rice\n    15. Garlic & Herb Cashew Cheese\n  13. 06 Cocktails\n    1. Easy Almond Baileys\n    2. Salted Caramel Espresso Martini\n    3. Smoochies\n      1. Watermelon Heaven\n      2. Ginger Ninja\n      3. Fruity Fire\n      4. Mango Hard\n    4. Miami Vice\n    5. Mojitos\n      1. Spicy Mojito\n      2. Ginger & Lemongrass Mojito\n    6. Watermelon J\u00e4gerbomb Punch\n  14. 07 Desserts\n    1. Shirley's Sheffield Scones\n    2. Chocolate Chip Cookies\n    3. Spanish Beach Churros\n    4. Gooey PBJ Brownies\n    5. Carrot Cake\n    6. Pain au Chocolat Loaf Cake\n    7. Ultimate Chocolate Fudge Cake\n    8. Aquafaba Chocolate Mousse\n    9. Sticky Toffee Pudding\n    10. Mixed Berry Crumble\n    11. Salted Caramel Chocolate Crunch Tart\n    12. Apple Pear Pie\n  15. 08 Breakfasts\n    1. Banana Pancakes\n    2. Chocolate Granola\n    3. BOSH! Breakfast Toasts\n      1. Creamy Garlic Mushroom Toast\n      2. Smoky BBQ Beans on Toast\n      3. Tofu Scramble on Toast\n    4. Banana Bread\n    5. The Big Breakfast\n      1. Herb Mushrooms\n      2. Basil Tomatoes\n      3. Hash Browns\n    6. Chocolate Croissant Tearer Sharer\n    7. Simple Japanese Breakfast\n    8. Japanese Pickle\n    9. Breakfast Smoothies\n      1. Turmeric Powershot\n      2. Choconana Protein Shake\n      3. Green Goodness\n  16. _Nutrition_\n  17. _Thanks_\n  18. _Index_\n  19. _Copyright_\n  20. _About the Publisher_\n\n# Guide\n\n  1. Cover\n  2. Contents\n  3. Welcome\n\n  1. \n  2. \n  3. \n  4. \n  5. \n  6. \n  7. \n  8. \n  9. \n  10. \n  11. \n  12. \n  13. \n  14. \n  15. \n  16. \n  17. \n  18. \n  19. \n  20. \n  21. \n  22. \n  23. \n  24. \n  25. \n  26. \n  27. \n  28. \n  29. \n  30. \n  31. \n  32. \n  33. \n  34. \n  35. \n  36. \n  37. \n  38. \n  39. \n  40. \n  41. \n  42. \n  43. \n  44. \n  45. \n  46. \n  47. \n  48. \n  49. \n  50. \n  51. \n  52. \n  53. \n  54. \n  55. \n  56. \n  57. \n  58. \n  59. \n  60. \n  61. \n  62. \n  63. \n  64. \n  65. \n  66. \n  67. \n  68. \n  69. \n  70. \n  71. \n  72. \n  73. \n  74. \n  75. \n  76. \n  77. \n  78. \n  79. \n  80. \n  81. \n  82. \n  83. \n  84. \n  85. \n  86. \n  87. \n  88. \n  89. \n  90. \n  91. \n  92. \n  93. \n  94. \n  95. \n  96. \n  97. \n  98. \n  99. \n  100. \n  101. \n  102. \n  103. \n  104. \n  105. \n  106. \n  107. \n  108. \n  109. \n  110. \n  111. \n  112. \n  113. \n  114. \n  115. \n  116. \n  117. \n  118. \n  119. \n  120. \n  121. \n  122. \n  123. \n  124. \n  125. \n  126. \n  127. \n  128. \n  129. \n  130. \n  131. \n  132. \n  133. \n  134. \n  135. \n  136. \n  137. \n  138. \n  139. \n  140. \n  141. \n  142. \n  143. \n  144. \n  145. \n  146. \n  147. \n  148. \n  149. \n  150. \n  151. \n  152. \n  153. \n  154. \n  155. \n  156. \n  157. \n  158. \n  159. \n  160. \n  161. \n  162. \n  163. \n  164. \n  165. \n  166. \n  167. \n  168. \n  169. \n  170. \n  171. \n  172. \n  173. \n  174. \n  175. \n  176. \n  177. \n  178. \n  179. \n  180. \n  181. \n  182. \n  183. \n  184. \n  185. \n  186. \n  187. \n  188. \n  189. \n  190. \n  191. \n  192. \n  193. \n  194. \n  195. \n  196. \n  197. \n  198. \n  199. \n  200. \n  201. \n  202. \n  203. \n  204. \n  205. \n  206. \n  207. \n  208. \n  209. \n  210. \n  211. \n  212. \n  213. \n  214. \n  215. \n  216. \n  217. \n  218. \n  219. \n  220. \n  221. \n  222. \n  223. \n  224. \n  225. \n  226. \n  227. \n  228. \n  229. \n  230. \n  231. \n  232. \n  233. \n  234. \n  235. \n  236. \n  237. \n  238. \n  239. \n  240. \n  241. \n  242. \n  243. \n  244. \n  245. \n  246. \n  247. \n  248. \n  249. \n  250. \n  251. \n  252. \n  253. \n  254. \n  255. \n  256. \n  257. \n  258. \n  259. \n  260. \n  261. \n  262. \n  263. \n  264. \n  265. \n  266. \n  267. \n  268. \n  269. \n  270. \n  271. \n  272. \n  273. \n  274. \n  275. \n  276. \n  277. \n  278. \n  279. \n  280. \n  281. \n  282. \n  283. \n  284. \n  285. \n  286. \n  287. \n  288.\n\n","meta":{"redpajama_set_name":"RedPajamaBook"}}