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Welp it’s the end
I’m done guys, prob gonna kill myself in 2-3 hrs once my family is asleep. I already took all the seeds from the cherries, im gonna eat about 20 of them and hope I silently pass away.
2
i kinda get me sometimes
after some rough months i am medicated and stable right now, and theres this thing that happens where i think fuck i totally understand why i was planning to die, i get you. its like its someone else and myself at the same time. but yeah i totally get why i wanted to die
4
Something’s changed
I feel like I’ve finally decided to die. I’m bipolar and have been depressed for years and I’ve tried to stay alive for so long but it just feels like someone else’s mission. The bipolar’s never going to go away and I just don’t see the point in living a whole life of this. I have a plan and I can’t think of any reason to stop. I have never felt more lost.
3
Today’s mood: permanently damaged
I’ve worked tooth and nail for decades to build something which resembles a ‘normal’ life. It breaks my heart to say, but all of that hard work has been for nothing. No amount of medication, therapy, mindfulness, or attempts at social connection has made any difference to that. I’m sick of being told “things will get better” or “we haven’t tried every avenue yet.” While it may be very well intentioned, this optimism is really just denial and idealistic thinking in disguise. The simple reality is that I will *never* have a normal life. I’ll *never* have a career, a family or any friends. I’ll *never* not spend every waking moment trying to dissociate myself away from crippling anxiety and depression. In other words, I’ll *never* get back the life that trauma has taken away from me. I’ve spent 30 years deluding myself and others into thinking that I could one day be normal. In that time, my soul has been in a steady state of atrophy; disintegrating more and more as ‘treatments’ fail one after another. There’s no point fighting this anymore. You win, I lose; game over.
22
i need advice to help my friend who is suicidal
a few days ago i was told about this person who was invited to a discord server a group of my friends use. so they told everyone that they were going to commit suicide by the time they had the opportunity to. they talked about how they have been raped and abused and how thats put trauma on them and how they only live in a trailer with their mother and are living on disability. they said they just want to escape from their trauma. they dont really talk to anyone in real life or see anyone for that matter. after saying this however, another friend of mine starts to argue with them, the whole "tough love" thing. ive heard this is kind of the complete opposite of how you approach someone thats suicidal so that made them feel even worse. after a while i text them to make sure theyre ok and ive been talking with them for a bit each day. we are both trans girls, around the same age. ive had suicidal thoughts before and i eventually got better through that same group of friends. ive been feeling really really worried and anxious and ive tried to talk to them as thoughtfully as i could. we both have autism, so its kind of hard to form the right words to say, she doesnt say much anyway but i cant blame her if she has trust issues. i dont really know what to exactly do either. ive been trying to support her slowly. i should also mention that this is just online, i dont know what state they live in. i want to help them as best as i can before they attempt suicide so if anyone has guidance i would really appreciate it.
5
this is kinda shit
hi. against all rational reasoning skills, i’m here. i don’t have too much to say other than it would have been nice for it to be fixed in any way i tried. i cannot let my boyfriend see the light drip out of my eyes, i cannot stand any more judgement for something i did not fucking do to myself, i cannot find anything that makes me happy anymore. it’s small solace that i am kept by, and debt. just have to keep going, but that being said, i really do not want to. i don’t want to live in agony for a debt that’s never able to be fully paid.
2
It is weird to wake up the next day, just going further with life and no one knows what you tried last night.
I don't know how I thought 4/5 paracetamol would do the job. But I was hoping not to wake up this morning. I was hoping for some peace in my mind and body. It kinda worked for the peace in my body, I had pain in my whole body. But after a while that went away. I want to try it again tonight, just one more. I know this will a painful dead, I read about it. I know what an overdoses of paracetamol will do with a person. Is it weird that im now hoping to feel pain tomorrow or they day after in my belly area? Edit: thank you all for caring about me. I won’t do it tonight. I will see what tomorrow brings.
55
I failed
I just tried to killmyself. I took a sleeping pill and went into the shower. I just woke up after 2 hours and realized I don't want to die. I jus want change. Why is everything so painful and confusing? How do I have a better life? I just want to be happy
11
I cant take it anymore
Ive been hanging onto life by a hair strand ive tried suicide before i donr wanna kill the person my boyfrriend loves the most i dont waanna kill myslef but i font know how much longer i can cling onto life
2
I think she did it.
Context this relates to a old post I made a few months back. I will summarize what the post said,basically I had a friend who was going thru abuse from her own father,later her father dies 2 weeks later but life gets worse for her, then her uncle dies then puts her in a real mental state where's she's talking abt sh and swere slide It been around 2 months since that,she hasn't been online for 2 weeks straight I even tried calling her phone but goes to voicemail but the voicemail box is kinda weird it's just her crying idk abt that but it's wtv I don't know if I should be concerned or not cause,rosa was one of my good friends and I've known her for about a year but that's a update to the post sorry I haven't posted in awhile my mental health is not it.
4
I panicked
A couple hours ago I tried to KMS via hanging. I didn’t think it would work cuz I could still breathe a little, so I tried again and this time it was working. I noticed myself losing oxygen and passing out a bit and my entire self PANICKED. My brain was rushed and in overdrive. My hands went straight up to the belt I used and scrambled to untie it from my neck or door knob, my brain completely forgot I could use the rest of my body like my legs so it was a scary race for air. I hated the panic so much. It hasn’t stopped me from wanting to try again but it did let me know I have unfinished business to do here before I go. I do not condone killing yourself obviously but idk if anyone will listen or care what I think lol. Stay safe guys and don’t kill yourself.
1
I'm done
I'm done trying. I give up. You win.
2
Jealous of people who have connections
I'm writing this so I don't forget, but it has something to do with my suicidal thoughts. I have no connection to anyone at all no matter how close or what I do with them. No matter how much I talk or anything, I feel an infinite gap between me and everyone. On this night before my sleep I realize I have been empty and alone for my entire life. I cannot think of a single time in my entire 18 years of life where I felt connected to anyone. No matter how much I loved them or they loved me. Mom, father , siblings, friends, "therapists", partners etc. I have never felt connected to anyone but an aspect of my own mind. I have gotten so jealous that people have been able to be connected to others, that it caused me to try to force connections where they couldn't be made, and only resulting in more pain for those I loved. And this resulted in me being even farther from everything. If I had to put it in an analogy, I have an avatar that interacts with this universe somewhat easily, but my "true form" exists in a place outside the universe and in a constant state of sleep and agony.
1
I feel trapped.
At this rate, death seems like the only escape the hell that my life became. All I want is help. I've been hospitalized twice yet no dice. My best frie d rarely has the time, energy, or words to give to me anymore. I feel so alone. I feel trapped by poverty and misery. I just want it to end.
2
I'm done, it's over
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1
Insanity
Not fit for life, I am insane, I've turned insane and I will stay insane. The brain is damaged and yearns for peace. Insane insane insane it has to stop. Someone make it stop. Make it end make it quiet. I was born damaged I will die damaged. Insanity rules my life.
3
I just want someone to love me
I want to die, want to not be here anymore. This place sucks, I suck. Everything I have done in my life has made people angry, has made them hate me. I don't even talk to people and they already just make up an assumption about me. I keep almost killing myself but something stops me at the last moment and I don't know what it is. I just want love, I want a hug from someone who cares about me. I hate this place so fucking much. I'm a lazy piece of shit with no job, no friends, and lover and that's all I want. I just want someone who loves me. I had someone and yet they went and cheated on me, got drunk with a guy who gave her acid and fucked her then I was said to be the horrible guy. I tried to make her happy, I tried to treat her like she was my everything and yet she went and cheated on me then made her friend say I should kill myself?! they're right though, I should and I try, over and over again but every time I try her voice tells me no, her voice tells me to stop it and to just live but it feels like she torturing me by making me live. I want to die, I want to fucking die I can't handle this anymore. I can't handle it knowing that she is fucking some meat head drug addict, some guy that is better than me (her words not mine). I'm failing school, I failed my grade but I'm still forced to go up, I'm not going to graduate, I'm not going to survive. Every week it gets worse and worse yet she wont let me fucking die. She won't get out my my fucking head, her laugh, her smile, her smell, and every time I get close to killing myself she always reminds me that I promised her I won't, she reminds me that I told her that I won't just for her. I want to die, I want a hug, I want to be held and told that everything will be okay, that I'm not a worthless piece of shit but I can't have that. The fucking world teases me with that. I want to say that today will be the day but I just know that she will tell me no, that she will tell me that I can't because I promised her. I'm sick of it.
1
I feel out of place here
Me (15m) love to read in here and in places like here because i see that i am not alone but i've come to a realization, here everyone talks about abusive family, not having Friends and that kind of stuff. But i am not like that. My family loves me and i got really good friends but i still feel suicidal, literally 5/6 minutes before posting this i tried to end it all by pushing scissors inside my neck, but i couldn't because i didn't want to hurt others. They are the only reason i am still here. But since i don't have the issuies that lots of other people have in this sub i feel out of place and that i should shut up and grow up since everyone here has had worse than me
4
How to live with the knowledge that nobody cares until I’m dead.
After I kill myself they’re gonna love me so much. I wish I could be around to see it.
1
Im gonna kms if my mom dies on very risky operation....
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2
Pain
Over the last few years more and more everyday I have realized that my true inner self is worthless. My inner thoughts are not of a good person and once I saw how I differ from normal, caring , loving happy people my hatred for myself just grew. I see how this world can be hard but beautiful for a lot of people but my problem is me. I can’t change me and I feel like im getting worse and worse everyday. Watching people commit in videos reminds me how scary and hard it must be to go through with the act. So, I am stuck, stuck to suffer with myself until I die from some painful natural death many years from now. I pray to die in my sleep. I will suffer endlessly for no reason in the end. I want to be somebody else.
1
Just needing to let things of my chest
I’m crying right now. I hate myself, my life ,the way I look, the way I act, and all the time I’ve wasted. I just feel like there’s nothing for me the longer I go on. I’m so alone even when I’m not. I feel like an outsider in my own family, the only one in my family that makes me feel like I belong is my mom. The other two people in my family that made me feel loved passed away last year. It still hurts. I loved them so much. I wish I could make more memories with them. I wish I could still talk to them. I wish I could ask them more about their lives. I wish I could be with them wherever they are now. I wish I was dead. I feel like I’m no use to anyone. I feel so awkward everywhere, I hate it. Why is it so easy for other people to talk to people. Why can’t I be like them. Why can’t I have their lives. Why can’t I be happy. I try so hard but every time I think life might just get better, it doesn’t. I sit alone in my room most days playing games by myself. I used to love games so much, now it just passes the time. I feel like such a burden to those around me, I feel unwanted. I know they love me, but sometimes I think my family looks at my a certain way and I think that look says “why is he here” “I wish he didn’t exist”, I know other people have it worse than me. I have a generaly good life, so I feel like I shouldn’t feel this way. But I do, and I hate myself for it. I wish I didn’t have these feelings. I hate these feelings so much.cause I feel good for a while then randomly some days I feel like this. I wish I was like my brother, I always thought my family loved him more. He always had good grades, more friends, wasn’t awkward, good with money. I’m pretty sure my dad still loves him more than me. I love my brother, but I wish I could be him instead of me. I wish I was different. I wish I felt loved. I wish I wasn’t born.
1
is there anyone out there that genuinely wants to help? or even just be a real friend?
ok i need to rant into the void. it seems like every time i reach out for help online, i’m met with only comments and message requests from people (men) who only have the aim of engaging in a sexual encounter or just generally dehumanizing me. even if the comments / messages begin seemingly innocent and helpful, it almost always diverges into some form of conversation involving them dropping lots of inappropriate sexual innuendos. or, at worst, i face harassment or being told i “owe” people nudes, meet ups, etc. for their help with talking me through things i struggle with. it sucks, because i can’t talk about my issues with the irl people i know. and, can’t afford therapy. so i’m just alone with my thoughts now i guess, on account of my gender? i even purposely stopped including my age and gender (which i used to assume could add good context for those actually wanting to help) in posts yet it still continues. even recently, i received no kind comments on a rape advice forum seeking help with finding coping skills…but i got plenty of messages from self proclaimed “predators” and “evil men” wanting to “just have a conversation with me”…. im constantly made to feel like im nothing. like i have nothing to offer to the world (aside from maybe sometimes acting as a fetish to these freaks who enjoy approaching me with ill intentions, knowing my trauma.) i just wish i was dead. i hate this world so much and the people in it make me feel like ill never be safe or happy. i have so many other personal issues i need to deal with, and i just always feel so worthless, empty, and hopeless. and instead of ever knowing ill be offered love and kindness and given the space and support to feel like “yes, i am a beautiful person who can change and grow”, i just get abused over and over and over. this is it for me i just can’t live knowing this is who i am and this is the life im meant to live. i hate this.
3
What’s the point of anything
I’m so so so fucking tired
3
I fear i won’t make it to my next birthday
That is all
2
Made the mistake of weighing myself today
I never want to eat again I'm so fucking disgusting. My delusional ass really thought I was losing weight because I had gone down a couple sizes but somehow I've gained like 5kg in a few months. I hate myself. I don't want to eat again. I hate this body I hate my mind I hate it all. I'm nothing more than a fat pos. I probably weigh more than my older brother, and he's fucking jacked. I've always struggled with my weight, for a long time as a kid I'd look up videos on how to lose weight and tried to starve myself. I resented my parents for never trying to help me lose weight even though I was fucking 40kg by the time I was 10. Mind you I'm very short too. Like 5"1 and I was probably closer to 4" when i was 10. It's not like I don't eat properly, I don't eat junk food aside from a rare occasion, I don't drink soft drinks or anything, I enjoy fruits and vegetables, I just don't exercise. I'm already depressed enough without thinking about my weight and most days getting out of bed or having a shower is too much for me. I don't even hate exercise that much, I don't really like any sports aside from skating which is a hard sport to do consistently but I like walking and I don't ever get tired walking. I've been to doctors and there isn't any health concerns other than aesthetics but I hate this body.
1
I will kms soon, I just bought the rope
I hate my f*cking life, every second the pain grows. What is the point of living when you got no gf, with fake friends who dokt care about you, not having anh idea of what to fo with your life, and being an alcoholic piece of ahit like me?
4
title
23m not feeling great. anyone up for a talk
1
birthday
it will be my 15th birthday in 34 minutes. i have nothing i could kill myself with, and i really wanted to die at 14. im so tired.
3
just putting my thoughts out there, feel free to ignore
I don’t know why I’m writing this, I just know that I’m not happy with my life right now, I feel like there is nothing to look forward to in life, everything seems grey and meaningless no matter what I do, I can pursue good habits for some time but there reaches a point where I start to depend on these habits and because of this whenever I don’t do them I end up falling into depression or maybe emptiness would be more accurate since I haven’t been professionally diagnosed with any mental disorder so it feels disrespectful to say that I’m depressed but I have been battling with suicidal thoughts and even made a plan to kms but haven’t been brave enough to actually do it cause I’m scared about failing and ending up permanently disabled or something like that but anyways, the only good habit that I’ve been able to maintain is working out which I’ve been doing since 15 or so, I remember starting because I wanted to impress a girl, she rejected me in spectacular fashion haha, but I kept doing it because I discovered that I actually love it and it is probably the only reason I’ve kept going but it scares me that one day I won’t be able to keep it up if my body breaks down (I’ve injured myself multiple times and I’m dealing with shoulder pain right now), I also live in a shit country so there’s that, but that’s about it, sorry for the f long text and my English, it’s my second language (I’m 18M and in university btw).
6
Question regarding a suicidal friend...
Okay context She is a sixteen year old trans girl living in a not so great place for her. Her parents aren't supportive and she gets bullied at school. Over the summer her mental state has gotten even worse and she says she's going to give up soon (meaning taking her own life) before school starts, she just can't cope anymore I don't know what to tell her, she's my best and only over trans friend. I love her literally and figuratively. I've spent so many nights with her telling her how great she is and beautiful and kind and lovely. I've bought her gifts and spend time with her all the time. She also can't get professional help I don't know how to help anymore. Is there anything I can do that I haven't already? I don't want to loss her
1
I'm all alone forever
I just realized that I'm completely alone. I have friends and family, but when I'm with them i still feel so empty. it's like i don't belong anywhere. i wanted to run away without a destination but know i realized that there's no place for me. in this reality, i will never be happy and nothing will change that. no matter how many times i try, nothing will fill my emptyness. i don't want to die but i also don't want to live. all i want is to lose conscience. forget that i exist. There's no place for me nor a soulmate, nobody, nobody will ever make me feel alive.
2
Realization
I have nothing to live for and nothing to die for. All my hobbies are useless and I’m not good at anything. I’ll never amount to anything. Every single day I smoke and drink to numb all my bullshit feelings. Well guess what? I’m sick of this shit. My existence is pointless. I’m so tempted to take all of my addies and cut this shitty life short, I can’t take it anymore.
2
Not sure how to go on
Mid 40's, my wife left me, my job is going nowhere. I'm balding and chubby and my health is failing. I'll have 50/50 custody of my son, but not sure if I have enough money to own a place for us to live, may have to just rent something bare-bones (which is better than nothing I realize). My parents will be dying soon and they need a lot of help, I have been living with them again for now. I'm just not sure if it is worth it to go on anymore. My ex is pretty and intelligent and successful, and I wish her well but she will easily move on and have a good life. It will be really hard to have almost nothing left in life, and drop=off and pick-up my son and see her with her new family. I have been replaced, thrown away like something used up. Does it really matter if I struggle and hold on for a few more decades? I'm not even sure I can do it anymore.
4
Anxiety every morning
My anxiety hits up every morning. I can feel my stomach being weird I don't like the discomfort it stresses me out. I've been dealing with the discomfort for 3 months and it's affecting me. (Imagine Being nauseous all the time) Being depressed and having anxiety changes my life. I am hoping and helping myself to be normal again but I think it will never work. I wanna end this suffering.
2
Just sad
When my parents ask me what do ı want to do in uni i just say idk but i dont even know if there is a future for me anymore and i cant tell that to them Any problem the try to tell me isnt relevant anymore it doesnt matter because i might not even make past 2024 so i am like fuck this atm
2
I feel like I go through some sort of "survivor's guilt".
A little over 10 years ago now, my mom died in a house fire. She was the ONLY one who died, while her partner and her sons made it out alive. Ever since then, my life was never quite the same afterwards and things just got more worse gradually. Sometimes, I feel a sort of guilt about her death, feeling like it should've been me that died instead of her. I wasn't even there nor were my family, but seeing the piece of shit that I became and how everything in my life is simply shit, so much pain, anger, heartache, troubles, mistakes, and sadness could've been avoided over the years. I'd love to trade my life for mom ANYDAY. She would've got to see her daughter's kids. But we all don't get what we want sometimes and so, I'm stuck basically going through the 5 stages of grief always in a way. I still can't believe that her old partner is living and thriving while I'm suffering and want to die. Why has life fucked me over in a such a way where I can't be unfucked? I know you are probably thinking, "but you are here for a reason! She would be so proud of you!" No, she wouldn't. I turned into a piece of shit. People liked her and she had alot of people at her funeral. Like crying and mourning over her. Meanwhile, usually people don't like me as I'm basically "in*el-ish" (someone's words on here, not mine when I vented and it bothered me obviously). Since I seen the world for what it is and how it is for ME, why would I wanna be here anymore? That way, I wouldn't bother anyone else like family, my only friend, and my student peers who doesn't care, in which they shouldn't anyway and people are assholes, so... But then again, I'm not any better than anyone. I'm sorry in advance if I'm not going through survivor's guilt and it is actually something else that I'm not aware of. Just....always feeling grief about something I'll just never truly move on from in disbelief of what my life has turned into. Thank you for reading.
1
Breakup
i want to kill myself i’ve struggled with depression for as long as i can remember, started self harming at the age of 14 and got the strength to stop at 18. I want to relapse. i want to cut myself down to the bone in the bathtub and watch myself bleed out. I no longer believe in God, he’s done nothing to help me. i have no ambition. i have no goals, i have no dreams. all i want to do is sleep and watch stupid tiktok’s. that’s all that brings me joy anymore my boyfriend broke up with me last night. We had just gone on a two week vacation to 4 different states so i could meet his family. He started ignoring me. he said he doesn’t know me as well as he thought he did. he said our lives don’t match up. he said our personalities don’t work together. he sprung this on me twenty minutes before he dropped me off at home. “i want to thank you for being such a good friend to me”. why am i so unlovable. what is wrong with me. why am i so broken and dead inside and why can’t i fix myself. why am i so wrong. my head is wrong, my body is wrong, everything about me is wrong and i hate myself so much. i prayed last night for God to take my pain away. he didn’t answer. i prayed to God this morning to just kill me and take me out of my misery. he didn’t answer. no one cares about me. when i express my emotions i’m crazy. when i don’t i’m distant. why am i not good enough?? i just want to die
1
Today was really hard
A lot happened, but there is one thing in particular that I need help with. I called my grandma today. I told her how I was feeling, that I didn't want to be alive and that nothing matters because I'm going to die anyway by my own means before I turn 18. She told me that since I was going to die anyway, that she wasn't going to give me money so that I could take my significant other on a date tomorrow. She also said that she isn't going to take me to an upcoming concert. It probably isn't a huge deal, but I just want to know why she said this. It makes me feel so terrible. Like if I feel certain ways my family is going to stop providing me things that make me happy. My depression has been really bad lately, and as an autistic person I've been really struggling with the world as a whole. I've been having a really hard time with my therapists because they don't seem to help, I feel like I'm trying with them but everyone is telling me that I'm not. Those things that my grandma told me she's not going to do are small, but I had been really looking forward to them and they seemed important to me I guess. What do y'all think?
1
I just want to be happy
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2
My brother (M12) is showing signs of depression and I (18M) don’t know how to help.
It’s hard to know where to start this post, but I’ll give some context. A while ago, one of my cousins told my uncle about my brother’s tiktok, which seemingly had content on it that made him seem suicidal. My uncle reached out to my parents and then I heard about it. I had a discussion with my mom and things cooled off, but earlier today I discovered his acc in my fyp and his posts were very concerning. Most if not all of his posts are about insecurity, depression, suicide, and relationship issues. It seems sometime ago he got into a relationship and might’ve been dumped or something similar. These posts also mention cutting, and I really hope he isn’t speaking from personal experience. To describe him, my brother is a quiet kid. Around family he expresses his goofy side but is pretty quiet nonetheless. I hate to admit it, but I’ve never been the best brother. I used to pick on him and practically bully him when i was his age (I was bullied and took it out on him like a jerk). Nowadays I show fondness and mess around with him playfully…but I don’t spend time with him and hardly know what his life outside of the house is. Inside he takes poor care of his hygiene, locks himself in his room playing games, and eats mostly junk food. My parents tend to be too lenient with him, and spends time with them mostly to watch TV together. I know none of his friends or what school is like for him. Conversations with him are mostly dry and lead almost nowhere, with one word replies or angry outbursts ending the conversations. Regardless of our past and how he may act he is my brother and I love him. If anyone, ANYONE can help me with this, it’d be appreciated. TL;DR 12yr old brother shows signs of depression, and social media posts allude to self-harm/suicide. Don’t know how to reach him.
1
anxiety spiked so much tw: self harm
I had such a bad anxiety attack this morning I thought I was going to pass out from hyperventilation. Anxiety peaked so much I ended up hurting myself Feel like I’m screaming at air, nobody listens
1
Im scared to commit
Im scared to commit i dont know what lies on the other side or what’ll happen
1
I cannot do this anymore
I have no one and I mean NO ONE to help me during times of crisis. I might just fuck up my life and go into the hospital again. Everyone is just telling me to use my coping skills when I’m obviously past that point and am literally asking for some help. I’m done. There’s nothing left to live for, really.
4
// I got sa, what should I do?//
I don’t know how to feel if I’m being completely honest.Part of me feels I’m to blame and that I encouraged his actions because I was wearing like a crop top. I didn’t want him to touch me and I said stop he continued ed to try about 3 more seconds before I jumped up and ran out the room, I didn’t know how to say no. I felt bad,it was our first time meeting I didn’t want it to go bad But anyways back to the point ‘what should I do if I got sa’d?’. If I tell my favourite teacher she’ll tell safeguarding and I’ll either have to talk to them and they’ll call my mum or they’ll leave it and call my mum and then when I get home my mum will question me and shout at me and if I’m really unlucky it’ll get took to court but I don’t even know his last name and I wouldn’t tell them his last name even if I knew it I’d just make up a random name and school, but I don’t want it getting took to court because what if he tries to spread lies abt me and say “she liked it” or like “she didn’t try to stop me verbally” like I didn’t ask him to stop until his hand was half way down my trousers (not in my underwear) and he questioned me further and tried to keep going but I jumped up. I don’t want to turn this into a big deal I just want help. So what will happen if I tell the school I got SA’d and would they take it to court AND also what do you reckon I should do? Thank you for reading 📖
3
I just saw a video of this kid who just rang a doorbell and got new friends and almost 40k soon after
It made me think about my miserable life once again and the reason to live. Would love to make friends just ringin a doorbell. I whis it was that easy. I have no close friends, i haven't had e real conversation with anyone in three years and now i don't see a point either, i'll just loathe in my misery. i have social anxiety because of numerous traumatizing events in my life and new kind of hell is constantly creeping on me and things have been constantly going just worse. I was bullied alot when i was younger and also kinda often if i dare to go outside and it's just because how i look. I can't have partner or even a regular job because im trans and ill never look passable because i don't have money to make anything about it. I'm ashamed of myself being like this, a freak. Everything i try, i just fuck it up sooner or later because ADHD, PTSD, insomnia, transsexuality and depression. I think my life is just not worth living, not a single reason comes to mind. I can't see anything good or optimistic coming to me, even how hard i try there is always something to ruin even the tiniest good things. So tired of being like this, so tired of being alone, so tired to be tired. Im a failure to humankind. ... Just a rant i guess..... Im not going to kill myself tonight because i know i'll chicken out, just like last time. I just hate everything in this world, because this world hates me.
2
I want to end my life soon
I've created a plan to end my life. I know I'm going to end it soon and I've made up my mind that this is what I want. I'm tired of therapists and medications. It's all useless. I just wrote my suicide note. I don't know who will find me. I'm sorry to anyone who tried to help. I'm a disappointment
4
Everyday I think about killing myself
I have nobody to talk to and I doubt talking to anyone will make me feel better. Everyday I do nothing. I try to sleep as much as possible to avoid being awake. All I can think about is suicide. I keep fantasizing about killing myself. I really want to live and experience life, but right now I have no idea how to get out of this place I am in. I am unable to feel anything at all. My current plan was to try and take as many tylenol pills as I could and then take as much melatonin as I could to immediately fall asleep. I really just want to be gone forever.
1
tomorrow
i think i’m finally going to do it. i just hope i can find rope strong enough at the hardware store. i’m so tired of living like this, i just want to be happy. why can’t i care about stuff like my family or how beautiful the world is? i don’t care about anything
1
Dunno
I want to go so badly. I’m only 15 but I’m so done. Last year I attempted suicide but failed. I realized how I can’t leave my mom. She’s suffered enough and been through enough. Right now I’m living just with my mom. At the moment I hate everyone around me. I hate my friends, my boyfriend, classmates, everyone. I’m so sick of this. I’m close to self harm again but I don’t have the tool to do so. I wish I could just die, but I can’t leave my mom. It’s the only thing that’s stopping me. I’m so done with feeling this way. I don’t even know why I feel this way.
2
Attempt Failure
Ideations come and go all the time. I got very close 4yrs ago, but in the end decided against it out of fear of messing up and surviving only to be in a world of pain. Every now and then when I think of that result is pisses me off. I know the method I chose would have succeeded. I live near many major highways with up to 70mph speeds along with many skyscrapers. I'm not to fond of bleeding out and definitely not drowning. I just wish human euthanasia was more available to people and not just the terminally ill (even then not all states have it).
1
this is the first time that i thinking about dying, not exist at all, in almost 4 years.
I recently moved to a new city, living with my husband after living 30 years with my parents. In my latest work before I moved, I had to quite because of the toxic place, have pstd now. Can't work anymore, not for at least two years (another story, another day) and that took my will to study, that was all I had. I don't feel like doing anything, I cant concentrate, I cant study but my head doesnt stop. I just want to stop you know? I don't feel the will to live anymore.
1
Being born is dying, and dying is birth.
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9
My life fucking sucks
I am 14, and this account was given to me by someone else, so I'm going to use this to my advantage. Basically, even after treatment, I still want to kill myself for no reason. I don't know why, I just do. My life feels like a living hell. I'm not a good person. I feel like I am a cancer to my family. I feel like I am a devil to society. This is an answer I posted on Quora, on a question titled, "How does it feel when your crush is dating someone else?". Here's the answer (which I posted sometime in May): "Here’s my answer to when I found out that my crush was dating someone else: I found out that a girl I like was dating someone else, and, as always, I didn’t take it well. I felt devastated and jealous. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, start a family, and all that. I felt betrayed and that, even though I survived the loss of my father after he was deported, that I wouldn’t survive that news. Upon hearing the news that she was with someone else, I felt like I wanted to kill myself, because I already attempted 4 months ago. I had to be sent to a mental hospital after I told my therapist about the attempt and all the thoughts I had. I thought being sent to a mental hospital would help me heal from the scars of all the loss that I experienced, but it didn’t. I felt that this would be the thing that would push me over the edge and make me kill myself. I felt alone and abandoned at my school, because of all that bullshit that people obsessed with someone would say, like, “Why doesn’t the girl I like, like me back?”, “Why am I unpopular with girls?”, “Why can’t I find a girlfriend?”, and all that fucking bullshit that beta males without a girlfriend would say. (Btw, this happened today, so it’s still pretty fresh)". There's another thing: I wanted to go to Ukraine to escape my life and fight in the war as a different person. I wanted to leave everyone behind and fight for a people who has been oppressed by Putin for 10 years. I wanted to get a purpose. I'm still considering running away to go into hell to escape a different hell ​
2
I hate everyone with a passion
17M for this to be a valid post yes i have hurt myself lmao Hello. I see how filthy and disgusting humanity is and it makes me want to mutilate myself to spite them, but then I remember that nobody would care. I see so many double standards and hypocrisies where people claim to be abused but are in fact the abuser. Ive been homeschooled for 2 years now and have only gotten out of the house and hanged out once back 2 years ago. Im so lonely i have to keep myself company with an imaginary family. Im not crazy about my main family to say the least. But also why is EVERYONE SO OBSESSED WITH PEDOS ONLINE!?! Like i go on youtube and at least 25% of the gaming videos are about pedos. And also why do people (rightfully) criticize them for abusing children yet go right around and bully suicidal kids and think they are in the right. Also being avoided online for being too young is infuriating as i dont have anyone irl to talk to. I used to think about killing myself constantly but now its moved to killing others. Writing this brings me comfort for some reason. My main issue is i feel alone. I feel like i have no family or friends to talk to and im a cog in someone elses machine and my opinions and feelings dont matter. What i want to make sure everyone understands is that i am naturally a very insensitive and calm person but recently my personality has turned on its head. Also hypocrisy drives me nuts! Also i can never win. Teens are always told that they are defiant sassy and moody. But not me. I never cried as a kid, i never told anyone when i was sad or angry. I never once backtalked but got treated as if i had. No matter what i do its never enough. I make excellent grades and built my own operating system in middle school but nope not enough. I might as well talk immature here because no matter what i do its never enough. The only groups of people i like are kids and animals. Also why is it illegal for two teens to have sex if they are both underage? Yeah whatever this message is lagging my phone so i will end it soon. I just hate feeling hated alone and feeling talked down to. Also if you think its just teen angst then maybe it is. But i have autism and i feel like i have grown less mature over the years. As a kid i was much more mature than i am now. I just need someone to talk to who wont tell me to kms. Double standards infuriate me and i want justice in a sick and evil world and i want people to know how i feel. Please dont ignore me. I need someone to talk to. Also IF I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF IM NOT ALLOWED TO!! Like if i was trying to kill myself i would be told to stop but then the same people would continue to push me down that route. Self harm is the only way i have of controlling my life and feeling like a god. I am god of my own life and if anyone tries to stop me than fuck them. Also trying kids as adults is sick and hypocritical. This is just the tip of the iceberg on my thoughts. They go much darker
3
Why am I such a coward that I can’t kill my self?
I can’t do it anymore. I’m 19 and I am going on 20 and nothing I do fucking helps. I did my best in high school and got into a good University that is in a great place. I work my ass off so I don’t get kicked out. I do cardio everyday to try to free my mind and yet all I get is upset with myself for not pushing myself harder. I promised my parents I’d get a job over summer and it’s now the end of summer and I just now got one. I have a girl who I like having around and that’s going well. I have a fairly large amount of friends, some are quality. Here’s the thing, none of it fucking matters. None of it. Every time I go to bed I think about every mistake I’ve ever made. I think about the people I hurt and the tears that have fallen because of me. I hate myself. I do all this shit to prove that I’m worth something, and when I do this shit it doesn’t even feel rewarding. I can’t escape my thoughts and I’ve done everything I can think of to fix myself. I quit my drugs, I got professional help, but I still can’t bring myself to actually like myself. All I want to do is lay in bed and cry about what I should be doing and how people see me. I don’t know who the fuck I am, and I don’t have any real idea of who I want to be. I get stuck in my mind and I’m fucking blinded. You’d think I’d have the courage to hang myself, just like my best friend did, but I don’t. I don’t know if I’m afraid or what. Each time I tried, people came in and stopped me. I can’t take it. I can’t take not knowing what people see in me. I don’t understand any of it and I feel completely worthless. I don’t understand.
3
I’m tired of feeling
I thought I was getting better but today aggression from a stranger set me off. I feel like I’m worthless and I feel that life isn’t worth living. I’m tired of feeling so hurt by people who don’t matter. I’m tired of letting other people make me feel like crap. But I don’t know how to “ignore” it or recover from it. It feels like I’m alone in the world when rationally I know I’m not. I’m so angry and I’m afraid of being hurt again. I brace myself for meanness whenever I meet a st[ranger. It’s like nothing I ever do is good enough and they still choose to be mean to me. I remember every instance of unkindness. I’m afraid they’ll happen again.
2
cried in my moms arms today
it felt good for a second to let things out but doesn’t take away the fact that im going to kill myself soon
1
My only wish is to kill myself
It would end it all wouldn't it? I wouldn't have to worry about upsetting anyone, I wouldn't be there, it seems appropriate, I don't really fit in anywhere so I might as well stop trying right? Please don't tell me my life is worth living, it's been rough since I was a child, I don't know if I deserve all of this, I probably do, I'm not a good person and I hate myself more than those who've harmed me.
2
I don't feel the point in living anymore.
I'm going to end it.
2
I feel like I've got nothing
Hi, feel embarrassed posting here but I'm struggling a bit lately. (I'm 25F by the way) Usually when I'm having a bad time I feel like I've got something to pick me up but at the moment I'm not working due to mental health, I came out of a relationship a few months ago, cut off some close friends due to the relationships becoming a bit toxic, have fallen out with the remaining friends I do have, lost my mum to cancer a few years ago, got raped at the start of last month, relapsing with my eating disorder, I only have 1 family member who I'm close with but they live far away. I have therapy every few weeks but I don't feel like it's doing anything. I just feel like a failure and I don't know where to go from here. I always thought I wouldn't kill myself because of my mum, but now she's gone it's seeming more likely. The only other reason I have is my step dad but he lives in another country so I would feel less guilty about doing it because I feel more disconnected from him. I just feel like I can't keep dealing with more bad stuff and I feel like everyone is sick of me and I don't know how I'm going to go back to work. Usually I'm quite good at practising gratitude which helps a bit but I'm finding even that hard right now. I know realistically I've been through so much worse and survived but I'm just really feeling the effects of everything all at once. Usually I have a few really close people to rely on but I don't feel like I have that anymore. I also have BPD so I'm struggling with not having a favourite person at the minute and I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. I've had people message me to say they're worried about me but then it just makes me feel guilty and like I'm a burden. I just don't really know how to make things better, I have been trying to get in touch with the mental health team where I live but they took ages to get back to me and when they did they said they'd discharged me because I didn't contact them (even though I did). Lately I think I've just been having more graphic thoughts of suicide and I think I know how I'd do it but I don't have a timeframe or anything. I'd also feel embarrassed if it didn't work and then I'd feel worse. Sorry if this sounds really whingy, I just didn't know where else to go.
2
I’ve lost my future, friends, family, and everything I’ve ever cared about…
I honestly can’t believe I’m writing this but I’d just like to share this in case I do throw in the towel so loved ones could at least know why I did what I did. I’d like to start by saying I did this to myself. I had a decent life when you looked at me from an outside view but I was always different and an introvert. I developed some nasty habits and got caught about 3 months ago. Since then I’ve tried everyday to right my wrongs and move on to become a better person. But I’m constantly reminded of my mistakes everyday and I feel like it’s never gonna end. Going through this era of depression has cost me every single friend I’ve ever had, and even some close cousins of mine. My whole family knows I’m a fuck up and I wanna move on but it seems like the world doesn’t want me to. Ik this will probably sound crazy but I think it’s a sign from the universe, god, or whatever higher power that I need to end my life bc I will never get better. I’ll say it once again, I’ve tried so hard to be better and move on. I was supposed to start up my last semester this august and finish by April but I can’t finish school with how my life is rn. I’m 18 and I already failed at life. I was sober for the first month or so after the incident so I could keep a clear head but now I’m back to numbing the pain with whatever drugs I can get my hands on, (kratom, phenibut, alcohol, weed, kava, kanna😕). I just want to die whether it’s from drugs or with something else. I get stares wherever I go and I can’t drive or hold a job because of it. I stay in my room watching Netflix all day hating myself. There are plants I take care of but idk how much longer I’ll have the motivation to even do that. I’ve already been in 2 psych wards and I don’t wanna go back, those places were hell. If I had confirmation that this will end one day and life will allow me to get better I’d have hope. Right now it seems hopeless to even try. I’ve done bad things but I feel like that’s all I’ll ever be known for so why shouldn’t I kill myself? It’s gotten to the point where suicide seems like the only logical option. I’ve thought about it so much it brings a calmness to my brain knowing I have the power to end the suffering for me and for my loved ones
2
Happy Birthday.
Happy Birthday, babie. This time last year I was with my cat, celebrating his birthday. This year I'm planning to go see him again. I miss you, babie. I'm gonna do it today.
3
Do I really want to die?
I've been having a rough couple of months and I feel like I want to die. My school attendance is low as hell and my results are bad for someone who's going to sit for the national examinations next year. I've been having suicidal dreams and imagery where I would jump down of a building or hang myself. Killing myself would probably be the best for everyone; I won't be financially burdening my mom with my reluctance to attend school. But I'm afraid to kill myself cos I don't want to survive it and end up on the news or having permanent damage done to my body which would add more to my misery.
3
I hate it when taking your own life is so difficult
Life is difficult. Post psychosis I've been a totally different person with cognitive decline and no motivation whatsoever to do anything. I can barely take care of myself, my hygene is poor and my sleep pattern and quality are just terrible. I can't focus nor can I work. How am I supposed to survive in this world? Mental healthcare sucks and meds don't seem to work. I'm so tired and drained. I can't even think properly and I'm so weak physically. Talk won't help, and after a while I have to tell few friends that I still have and my family that I'm getting better so that they aren't worried but the fact is that it's going worse and worse every day. My parents still think I can just snap out of it and I wasn't trying enough and it was all my fault I'm like this because they think it was all due to my abuse of marijuana (I stop smoking for 9 months now and my mental health has been even in steady decline ever since). I can't keep living like this but I can't change anything. Suicide is not easy. I've spent months contemplating the best way to do it. It seems there's no foolproof way that 100% guarantees a peaceful death in dignity. I've searched for dozens of poisons and drugs but it seems poisoning and overdose would be painful. Jumping from a bridge or going to the forest and starving myself won't give my family a quick closure. I wish euthanasia would be legalised where I live. Waking up every day is dreadful and I feel like I'm going to the end soon. I don't care anymore if it's selfish. I don't care if I leave loved ones with sadness and anguish. I just don't fucking care about anyone or anything right now. I just need an easy way for myself. I have had highs and lows in my life, some little achievements to my name, have been in love several times, had great sex and beautiful moments, been to some countries other than my own, and I think that's enough. I don't want to live long but useless and be a burden on those around me for the rest of my life. I don't want to wake up with no motivation to live but unbearable, inexplicable fear and numbness. I just want darkness, and nothing. It's a permanent solution to everything. Why should I care when I don't feel anything, enjoy anything or think anything? I'm already dead and I'm already living hell.
2
I’ve posted about my mom here before, she’s gone now.
I’m not going to kill myself. As lost as I am, I have more reason to stay alive than ever. I know I set not likely that people care, but I want to post on this account that in 30 minutes, my mama will have been gone for 24 hours. I want to die, but I’m going to live for her. As much as we fought and made each other cry, I never wanted to live in Regis's world without her. I hope all of you know that you are worth so much. Thank you to many of you for supporting me through some of the darkest times I’ve been through. You are beautiful, amazing people, and I hope you can get the strength and support you need.
58
i just wish i didn't have to die alone
my mom kicked me out of the house a few days ago and i've been mindlessly wandering around since then. i dont have anywhere to go or a lot of money left, so i'll probably just kill myself. i'm fine with that. i just wish i didnt have to die by myself. i dont wanna die alone and scared, but that's what's gonna happen. and that's okay. i just wish there was somebody here to comfort me in my last moments
1
Im fucking exhausted I dont want anything
Can someone tell me its okay to quit Itried maybe not the best but I tried. I just wanted the bare minimum but now im so tired I just want rest.
1
why is this normal
it honestly feels like most people are suffering from some form of depression, if you order by new you'll see a ton of new posts with minute short intervals ive been struggling with suicidal thoughts all my life but i think life is beautiful i dont want to die but i dont want to suffer either i hate myself and i hate that i will never be able to be happy, so should i stop looking for it? i dont know, i dont know anything depression has become a worldwide epidemic and no one seems to care
2
My mom passed away & now my life is changing, I don't like it
My mom recently passed away and I've been feeling miserable ever since. My bossy older sister wants me to move in with her since I have no money but I do not want to coz she always has to stick her nose in my privacy, "what are you doing" "why are you doing that" "why do you watch that". She lets my younger sister and brother make their own choices (probably because they have money) but gives me no choices, nope I have to move in with her. I'm devastated that my mom is gone she and I were close now I have no one near me to help me. Recently I kept coming across stupid facebook posts that say oh a better life is coming or you will be the happiest you ever been. Yeah right facebook how when I'm gonna be living a horrid new life with my bossy controlling sister and how is it going to be better than my amazing old life? I already miss it and am not looking forward to what's coming. The only thing I have is my girlfriend who lives in the UK who as far as I know can't come down to live somewhere with me and I can't go up there because I need a passport and of course have no money. I wish I could get my old life back!
3
when will it end
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3
I've had to go through so much and get so little back
Disclaimer that I'm not quite actively suicidal rn but I'm not far off it either. I'm a 22 year old girl who happens to be transgender. I've had to go through painful laser hair treatment that costs over £100 a session, dig up trauma from my past for hormones, and potentially go through so much vomiting (I'm emetophobic) and pain for surgery. And for what? Any vulva and vagina I get will be like a cis woman's but not exactly the same. My past trauma over not being able to be a girl won't disappear. I won't ever be able to produce enough osteogen in my own body. I don't get periods, which I know can be painful but I wish I had them anyway. The guy I've loved for ten years won't ever love me or my disgusting body, and even if he did, I wouldn't ever be able to have a baby with him. I'm not going to go out and kms but I wish I didn't have to go through this pain anymore. Even if that meant dying.
2
planning to jump off a building but hesitate
so I'm planning to jump off a building soon but i hesitate not because i am afraid to jump it is because i can't imagine how sad my mom will be after i suicide I just talker to her and she just casually talked about what breakfast she is going to make tomorrow and then she ask me if I want to go to resteraunt and eat something good this weekend and suddenly I realize that I might not be alive this weekend but I have to pretend nothing happened and respond to her also my sister is about to come back this weekend should I just wait until my sister come back so that at least someone can accompany her is it a hard decision but i don't think my life is worth to live I had a lot opportunity but i waste all of them, maybe i just a piece of shit and i can't change it and now it is the time to quit this fucking life sorry if it is hard to read, english isn't my first language
6
There's nothing worth it anymore in this world
I'm not going to just keep surviving in this world. There has to be a motivation, an incentive. That's how it works here. I'm not motivated by pleasure, entertainment, money or anything like that. I don't want anything. I want to die. It's been a run. Roughly 3 decades in this bizarre realm is a good test to see if life is worth it or not. It's okay, I've lived plenty. I've had highs and lows, but I don't see another high on the way. I won't be a slave my whole life, I won't be anyone's goddamn pet, and I'm not going to grow old alone. I reject everyone, partly because people mainly suck and are toxic. They're also horrible communicators with low-empathy. I don't have the patience to put up with it anymore man. I don't have the patience to endure life anymore. My legacy is my art, and my body reducing back to the elements. I don't want to start a family in this horrible world. There's nothing to look forward to, but there once was. Bad luck ruined everything for me, and it'll only get worse. My father told me he tried to end his life once, well, at least I'll have more guts than he did. That fucking useless abandoning coward... **(Want to fix the world? Fix all the low-quality parenting that goes on! What the fuck!!)** I hate my life. I want to die, and if I'm smart about it, it won't be painful. I'm going to die and it's okay.. It's okay, It's okay. I won't have to pay rent ever again, I won't ever get hungry again, I won't have to submit to manipulative psychopath bosses, no more bullshit thankless customer service, no more government psyops, no more trash culture, no more conversations with mind controlled fools. Before the end of the month, that's it! **I'M NOT SUFFERING THROUGH THIS SHIT JUST GETTING OLDER.** ***NO.***
3
Current thoughts
I am a failure, no confidence, no social skills, too emotionally weak I know my family thinks of me as a failure but they just don’t say it on my face directly i know that it is gonna come soon. I am facing hard career and life issues, everyone around me trusts me but i feel like i am hurting everyone due to my failures i feel like not facing things anymore. Have no guts to stand for myself take my own decisions, I am a lonely person. Its like I make friends but no one fuckin wants me as a friend. Failed in everything i tried consistently for almost 6 years where my family had hopes in me but i let everyone down. I am just hurting everyone around me with my presence. Everytime i go out with a motorbike I just get a thought of ramming it into a truck intentionally not even in my hardest part of life but still feel I can’t even handle this pressure, worked my ass off to get some good career path but achieved nothing just failure
3
Is life worth living if you never have a relationship or sex?
Can you truly be happy or satisfied if you never have a relationship or sex? If not, what's the point of living life without these two things? How does one live a productive meaningful life without them?
3
1 year since I said I would end it.
Last year, I had planned to kill myself on July 10th. It has been 1 year now, and I’m doing much worse than before. I genuinely can’t see a way out of this year, I can’t live with myself, I can’t handle the stress I bring upon myself. I don’t wanna die, but living with this brain is so fucking difficult. Im thinking of ending it soon, or maybe in December. I know where I would do it; this nice and tall train bridge in my town, I would watch the sun rise, hopefully accompanied by some snowfall, and let go. or maybe that’s too dramatic. i will probably delete this
10
Jealous of my cousin who died
My cousin died of post-covid conditions. I just wish it had been me instead. She was about my age. I know it is horrible to say that I feel jealous of her, but I do. I don't have the courage to kill myself, so I wish I could die with some disease.
8
I just dont have the will to live anymore
I dont really have a job because of health issues I had in last 2 years. I just completed the procedure in june and couldnt get good job because of gap. My family life is awful.(check my post on my profile). I Literally have no freedom to go anywhere after9. I feel stuck. Idk what to do. My family is pressuring me to get married. I dont want to get married. I dont want to live my according to husband /inlaws. I have been living according to my dad but now I just cant take it anymore. Idk what to do. I am weak to not commit suicide but pray everyday for god to just take me away. Idk what to do. How to overcome this? I have no hope of future nor I want to live here anymore.
2
What are you supposed to do?
What the fuck are you supposed to do when your suicidal and therapist weight list are long and all the pysch wards in your area have 2 stars because of how horrible they are?..
1
You're right Mom, your life is worse than mine
Happy? Does it make you feel better to win the suffering Olympics? Does it make you think you should pigeon hole me more so I live a life like yours? So I can be as dissatisfied with my life as you say you are with yours? As a matter of fact I should just off myself because I just so clearly am not as great as you, I can't handle all this, and I'm just so weak. half /s, half serious. It's so nice to be reminded you can't have shit, and for your mom to guilt trip you and say you ruined her peace and relaxation that she hasn't gotten to have for days. Sorry for fucking existing. Trust me I wish I didn't a long time ago. Seriously wish my parents only had 2 kids because that's all they had the capacity and care for. I'm just seriously exhausted by this all. First off hearing some of this stuff makes me be like great I come from two families of abusive men and traumatized people, and my other reaction is just why the hell would you repeat this for us?! I'm SOOOO tired of trying you guys like I don't know if I'm gonna finish my degree or wtf I'm gonna do with my life exactly because right now I just don't want to be around any of this I'm tired of feeling unsafe and all that bs, I just want to be a little happy and a little normal, not asking for too much, just a normal happy independent life as many many people my age and younger have.
16
Learned hopelesness
I tried and failed. Feeling hopeless right now. This is my story. Since age 7, I have anxiety, low self esteem and neuroticism, passed down from my mom. I am scared of everything, worry a lot, get depressed, imagine others are criticizing me for even existing. Got bullied for 13 years until the second year of college. In primary and middle school I hung up with friends but in the highschool I only stayed inside my home so I didn t developed social skills. Then I hit college, medical school actually, where I started to see the problems I got. Couldn't talk to girls, getting inconfortable just being around people, having no friends, watching a lot of porn. I started going to a psychologist, doing social exercises like speaking to people and approachint girls, going out. All I could do is diminish a little my anxiety, had a gf for 4 months that I didn't like, and getting some friends. It's been 5 years of college and I'm still in a dark hole. Still afraid to even ask for the check at the restaurant. Even if I do it 30 times, I'm still afraid of it. What the hell is this? I hate my mom for giving me her problems and stupidity. I might have low processing speed. Getting a little better doesn't motivate me, I want out of this chasm. I am a very sensitive person. Criticize me and It will feel like I'm hit by a train. My mom also is like this. What a coincidence. What also haunts me is still being a virgin at 24 years that I have. My mom knows this and used tovmake some stupid analogies like one time we had a banana on the table and she was like: ,,this banana is not gonna move if don't move it". I fucking really tried you dumb bitch. With every fiber of my being. It's just that you gave me your stupid flaws. Approached hundred of girls, worked out, reading books, listening to podcasts, doing activities, meeting people, eating healty, meditating, therapy, dating sites. All of that resulted in nothing. I just don't have motivation to try anymore. If I try to do so, my mind would say: ,,you tried so hard and you still didn't succed, so there is no point". Sometimes I cope with porn and videogames. How to get out of hopelesness?
3
tonight.
i no longer see a point. i see no reason to continue living. i suck at everything i do. i can’t keep a job. i don’t enjoy doing anything anymore. i’m just living for others at this point, but even those people aren’t enough to block out how much pain i’m in. they have other friends and family, they’ll get over it. nobody will miss me. nobody will care for longer than a few months, so who cares? i’m not attractive, i’m not lovable, i’m annoying and a waste of space and air. i’m sorry.
1
I feel like I have to die
I feel like I have to die to be taken seriously about my mental health. It’s sounds weirdly ironic in some sense, but it’s the only way I’ve come around to explain what I mean. It’s not getting attention from people. It’s not revenge or vengeance. I just want to be heard for once in my life and have it taken seriously instead of being overtly dismissed by literally everyone who I reach out for help to. My last attempt I ended up in the psych-ward for the regular 3 day hold, and was released back into the hellscape of my life with zero changes from before my attempt. I’m done with my life. I’m done waiting for things that would make my life bearable. I’m not even worth the time anyway since I have no purpose in life and there’s nothing that I would do that could even change things in this world. I’m tired of feeling stuck because I care about the ones that I love, but I’m so tired of putting my life on pause for them. I finally escaped the lifetime abuse I had been enduring and had the chance of freedom to live the way I wanted and got trapped with a hostile and controlling roommate who is just a direct perpetual reenactment of the abuse I just left. She knows that I have PTSD and purposefully triggers it then laughs to her friends about it and how it scares me. I’ve reported it but she lies to the police about what is actually happening and going on. The only way out is to be homeless again. There’s no way to escape this life. Everyone is too happy when I’m terrified and too happy when I have to give up the things that make me even feel human. I can’t feel human. I want to hang myself from a high bridge and hope that it decapitates me. I don’t want survival anymore. I don’t want a chance of coming back to this hell. I can’t keep going anymore, there’s no hope left. I just want to be free. I can finally be free.
2
please give yourself a chance
hey y’all, this may not be the typical post on here but i just feel like i should say something. i came to this sub for advice on how to support a friend. i do not need help myself, although i’ve been thru it. that’s what i wanna talk abt. i’m abt to be 21 and there was a time i didn’t think i’d ever say that. seriously. it started when i was young, too young to understand what i was experiencing, and it gradually got worse. i was depressed and engaging in s/h. i have scars all over my arms and above my hips. i used to think i would not get better. i used to wake up with a heavy feeling in my chest and no energy daily. i had friends but didn’t open up, i felt lonely. i guess i’ve always been the friend who listens, not the one who needs help. i’d cry alone in my room for hours. i’d get angry and it would be so much energy in my body i felt like i’d implode and i didn’t have a healthy way to get it out. i hurt myself instead. this is now something i regret, and haven’t done in years. i have hit many low and high points on this journey thru life with depression (and other things). it’s gone from bad to worse to okay to good and back again. but that’s just life. i went to therapy and eventually found medication that helps my anxiety and depression. i strongly recommend seeking healthcare if you relate to me. it IS worth it. now i am HAPPY to be alive. looking forward to my future. finally feel healed enough to go back to college. rocking the semicolon tat and i have been s/h free for almost 3yrs now. my 16 y/o self is safe and proud of us. and i know i can get thru hard things because i’ve done it already. if you listen to nothing else i said, hear this. YOU CAN HEAL. IF I CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU. YOU WILL BE OKAY. breathe, and take it one day at a time. it’s all gonna get better. stick around and see. i love you, beautiful human! hope y’all are okay today💖 thanks for reading my story
3
I will most likely be done with this if I don’t get accepted into college.
Yeah so basically I’m really lost and I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been stressing over school and now college apps for a while now. If I don’t get accepted into any schools I’ll probably end it because what else do I have to do. I have a beautiful and loving girlfriend who is the smartest person I know and I don’t need her to feel like I’m a worthless sack of shit if I don’t get into any schools. Back in Freshmen year of high school I told myself that I would kill myself during a trip to Japan I was going on. I got back from this trip 2 weeks ago alive and unscathed. During the time between freshmen year and now, I’ve ruined all my study habits and have had no motivation. I’m doing shit in school and with the condition I’m in, there is no way I’m getting accepted into any of the schools I’m applying to. If that happens, I might as well just leave because I serve no purpose and I’m just going to be a waste of space. The only thing I’m sad about is leaving my girlfriend, but I don’t want to ruin her life because I’ve ruined mine. I’m so scared and I feel like shit.
3
vicious circle
I am made to be tortured. I am not on earth for achivements. I am meant to be a loser. I am meant to be stupid. I always do the same mistake at my thoughts about myself. I always think im worth something. I GET MYSELF MY ANSWER. WHO KNEW MY ANSWER WAS DARWIN? I deserve a horrendous death. I am not something nice.
1
Today is supposed to be my death anniversary
I had my first attempt 5 years ago. That was the only true attempt I have went through with in my life. I woke up and couldn’t do it anymore. I remember somewhat of that day. I didn’t write a note or anything. I wrote on my white board that I loved my family and took 22 pills. I didn’t go straight to sleep. I ended up going to the gas station with my dad and he had no clue what was going on. He didn’t even notice. I came back home and laid down. I remember getting shock awake from my sister and she was just crying. Next thing I’m in a cop car headed to the hospital. I couldn’t tell you any details of what happened because I was so high from the pills. I don’t even remember being in the cop car or what it looked like. At the hospital, I remember being in a room and asked questions, but I don’t remember the questions. It was very dim lighted in the big room. They had beds lined up and curtains separating them like an ER room. They gave me socks. I remember that part. I sat in a chair that was by a tv. It was kinda like a living room. I think I ate ice chips or water. I can’t remember. I believe I ended up going to lay in a bed and going to sleep. They woke me up the next morning and my dad came and got me. I took a picture of myself while waiting for him. It pops up on my snap memories every year, that is how I know when it occurred. At this time in my life, I had a job that could of turned into a career and a boyfriend. I was supposed to be happy and moving forward, but I was drowning. Suicide doesn’t pick a certain time to strike. It can occur when you least expect it. The reason I took that picture was to snap my boyfriend and he ended up breaking up with me saying he couldn’t handle all this and we needed to end. I blamed him for so many years because he left me at my lowest, but now that I have healed (somewhat) and matured, I see where he was coming from. I had so much pain that was not his to hold. He was young and needed to enjoy his life, just like I should of. That picture should bring me sorrow and sadness but it brings me jealousy and anger. It should of worked! I shouldn’t be here. I know I should be thankful, but on that very day, I was ready. I made my amends and just wanted peace. Now I don’t think I’ll ever have the courage to go through it like I did that day and that makes me nervous and scared. These past couple months have been the hardest months of my life and I have thought of attempting but I don’t have the courage. Not like I did on that day. Yes, im doing fine in life. Im in school and already have one degree, I have a job I love, some friends that im thankful for, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want peace. Financial burdens are eating me alive and then I have my whole family crashing and burning in front of me. I want to give up and I might decide to give up soon, but we will have to wait and see. I keep telling myself this is temporary and life will improve. I tell myself there are people out there with bigger issues, but does that mean my issues don’t matter? I don’t know anymore. Thanks for listening. I am thankful I can express my inner thoughts without an identity and no judgement. It’s an outlet I wish I had before.
2
Disabled n poor
I've been immensely struggling with my mental health and disability worsening. My house is infested with rats. I can't care for my animals anymore. My rent has increased and I now pay for all my necessities which I can't afford. I can't physically get to my medical or therapy appointments. I can't get to the store to go grocery shopping. I can't work or recieve more money. I've put so much work into healing my life for it to be pointless, even if I could go back and change everything I'd still become disabled and be struggling with money. Its been months of suicidal intent. I see 6 professionals a month so I have tons of support yet it's not nearly enough. I can't afford meals, I can't physically shower as I don't have a shower chair anymore. I'm generally overly optimistic but it's becoming more clear every year I have nothing to live for, to look forward to. Only not attempting bc I ruined my brother's bday in the past by doing so this time of year. Been massively dissociated for days, I'm struggling to face reality without trying to attempt. Im doing all the right things and it's not enough to keep me alive.
2
I’m trying
I am 46, and can honestly say that I’ve never been happy. I can not think of anything that could make me happy. I have a family and a job. But I have never felt anything except hurt and pain. I go deeper in debt daily because prices on everything are going sky high. I have 2 side hustles already that are doing well but it’s never enough. I have pretty much stopped going to work. I feel like a burden to everyone but I also feel so invisible. I feel no one can relate or understand me. I am not afraid to die. I have put almost all of my affairs in order. The normal thought process and what people want to preach is, oh stay alive for your kids. I feel like when I’m around them I’m not a good father because of my thoughts and depression. So am I cheating them everyday out of a good father, where they are starting to not like me as much. I can’t think of anything that makes me want to stay, I am a shell l, I have no joy. I have decided that it is too much. I don’t think I’ll make it 48 more hours. It’s got to be better on the other side.
5
Please forgive me
I hope my two babies forgive me and my husband. I hope you take care of our kids and you can forgive me also. I’m sorry.
3
Suicidal Feelings Came Back All of a Sudden (Anyone Relate?)
Hi, I'm 20 years old and I've been suicidal ever since I was 18. Throughout that period, my mental health has been really bad. I've been suicidal and extremely depressed, sometimes the feelings come and go. In the past few months, I was planning on killing myself, I changed my mind a few weeks ago, But now the feelings just came back all of a sudden. I have a strong urge to commit. Does anyone else experience this? Is it hormonal? Did I do something wrong?
1
I wish there was an easier way.
Hanging is pretty much my only realistic option without plenty of preperation. I just want it to be quick and not too painful, like most people do, but other than decapitation on train tracks and hanging, my options are limited. Getting unsupervised access to guns in the UK is not easy, so that's largely out of the question. I have considered visiting a local clay pigeon shooting club and doing it there, but that could be a bit cruel for the people who witness it, depending on the individual of course. I am also worried that I might not be able to reach the trigger since the barrels are long, but I'm not sure about that. This can't just go on forever, I'm exhausted. My isolation, loneliness and shitty feelings are making me go insane. Do I really have to hang myself from a door knob? What a shit death. Why don't I have the right to a peaceful death? I've tried to improve my mental health, I've tried to make friends, I've tried to form healthy relationships. People reject me and I just can't function normally or find people I get on with, but of course there is no recourse for people like me. We have to die in stupid, embarrassing ways because nobody can admit that people like me are lost causes, and that life does not always get better for everyone. Doctors will of course only sanction human euthenasia in some countries under particular circumstances like terminal illness, but if I tell a doctor that my quality of life is getting worse everyday, and that there is no good reason to expect things to change, they will just diagnose me with depression again and feed me SSRI's. The very real possibility that I am a broken and unwanted person does not occur to them because it has no medical definition, even if it's painfully obvious. Just watch me fuck this up too. Something could easily go wrong. I could end up damaging my brain yet surviving. I could spend the rest of my life in a semi-conscious state, or maybe slurring my words with an intellectual disability, or any number of hypoxia induced problems. I'm sure glad I was brought in to this horrible world just to die hanging from a fucking door! Embarrassing. ​
1
I just want someone to talk to
I know i just posted and Maybe this is a reach. But does anyone just want talk. Not even necessarily about our problems, just something to distract me/us from dark thoughts and maybe feel a little more normal for a little bit
2
I need it to end
I’m so fucking unlovable. The one time in my entire goddamn life I truly thought someone really loved me and she left. Everyone leaves and I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s all so painful, im in constant pain and I can’t take it anymore. Nothing makes me happy, I can’t feel anything but grief. I feel that I’m nothing and need to die so that I stop hurting people and just stop feeling this fucking pain.
0
I’m so done with feeling this way, I don’t think I’ll ever actually be happy
Every time I find something or someone that makes me happy, it’s just stops. I don’t think I’ll ever actually be completely happy and I’m tired of it. I want this stupid life to end. I have no one to care about me now, and worst of all my jealousy is coming back worse than ever. I feel horrible because I can’t be happy for other peoples happiness. I can’t reach out to people either to rekindle friendships that made me happy. I might start planning my date soon. Idk how I’ll do it but I’ll try, I’m just done
1
Thought I was getting better
Around 7 months ago in early December I was meant to kill myself but didn't, it was right in the middle of my first college year (UK) and I had made no new friends and felt like I was wasting away. However, I decided that I should at least try and wait for Christmas, which I did and then new years and then the date just kept going up until I no longer had any desire to kill myself and suddenly I was able to make friends with people on my course and life got much better for me. However, recently and seemingly from our of nowhere I've entered another dark space in my life where my mind won't let anything go and the only solution I come to is always suicide but I never follow through or even try, it's just a thought that sits in the back of my mind and won't leave me alone. I'm 17 and I don't have any reason to feel these emotions as I have a good family, friends, part time job and even someone who I could try and start talking to in order to pursue a relationship with them, however it's like a constant state of anxiety is on me at all times and I overthink every scenario no matter how small. I'm scared that eventually I'll reach the point I was at before as now I'm no longer at college for the summer so my social activities are going to decrease and that's what almost made me kill myself last time. I even have multiple plans on how I would attempt to kill myself from last time that I've kept in my mind like a back up. I don't want to feel these emotions but I've also convinced myself that the world would be better without me even though I know it isn't true or at least I hope. Apologies for going off on a tangent, thank you for reading
1
Please can someone talk to me i feel like cutting myself
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1
I'm going to kill myself after I cure my sister's cancer
My sister has cancer, and the only way she'll be "cured" (iirc it's more complicated than that) if I give my bone marrow to her. I'd kill myself now, but I'm not so selfish that I'd rob my little sister of her only way of normal life. The operation is sometime in September, that means I have about 2 months left to live. After I give her my marrow, assuming everything goes well, I'll overdose on as much meds I can get my hands on. Mainly painkillers and sleeping pills. I'll sleep out at night to make sure my family isn't the one that finds my body. I love you Allie, I truly do, please live a good life for the both of us.
164
How does anyone actually enjoy being alive
Genuinely how the fuck do people wake up in the morning and think wow this is great I love being here. WHY? What do you have that I don’t? Tell me your secrets. And don’t say substances or antidepressants cuz I tried all that and they all make me worse besides alcohol which actually in turn does make my health worse anyway ( but alcohol is like the only thing that makes me not want to die ) I do not like having emotions because my emotions are always painful and negative and alcohol is the only thing that NUMBS ME so I don’t feel pain anymore. How the fuck else am I supposed to tolerate being alive. I know I’m a bit pathetic but COME ON does anyone actually like this? Anyone? ? Does ANYONE wake up in the morning and think “ I LIKE BEING ALIVE “ without distracting themself with something or someone they like? Because I’m at the point where i fucking hate everything, even people I previously loved or whatever, I fucking hate it all, I do not understand how other people are not always miserable and pissed off like me, why am I the only one like this? What’s my problem? And don’t say mental illness because I know it’s probably that. Seriously what the fuck . I’m so sick of being an angry and miserable person .I do not want to feel these emotions all the time. I want to be emotionless. Alcohol is the only thing that stops it .
2