id
int64 5.11k
4.34M
| gender
stringclasses 2
values | age
int64 13
48
| topic
stringclasses 40
values | sign
stringclasses 12
values | date
stringlengths 2
18
| text
stringlengths 4
790k
|
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
3,941,629 | male | 23 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 15,August,2004 | This is the Word according to a crappy dictionary I picked up: Noun: logagraphia A loss of the ability to write or to express thoughts in writing because of a brain lesion Then I cleverly added the B. Pure genius. |
3,941,629 | male | 23 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 14,August,2004 | Second posts always suck as well. So I'll be brief. Thank you. |
3,941,629 | male | 23 | indUnk | Sagittarius | 13,August,2004 | First posts always suck, so I'm going to be quick about this. Thank you. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 22,May,2002 | I've never really thought about keeping a journal...Okay that is not true-I've made many aborted attempts at journal writing. My last one turned out to be a total disaster. However, they say that if you fail you should try again. I thought it was just 'try again' but yesterday, my friend said it was 'try try again' I don't know if it takes a different meaning, but the point is I should just keep trying damn it! My first attempt at journal writing went down the drain with that bitch and that asshole invading my privacy. Some people might think that this is completely stupid since I know that someone was able to get into my computer and read stuff that was none of their business...why would I do it again? Well....I'm still not sure, but I guess I need to feel safe and I need to know that I'm safe now and nothing like that will happen again. Beside, even though my life is pretty damn interesting...no one will really take the time to read about it. If they do it again, then I feel very sorry for them because instead of LIVING life, they're wasting time reading about someone else's life. Frankly I don't really care if they are reading. What's the point of me writing all this if no one will read it? In fact this could be my 10 minutes of fame. :) If they were to use this information against me then it would be a problem, but I have nothing to regret or to hide. What's the point of having a book if you're not going to open it and read it? I'm not sure why I'm even writing as if there was an audience...I don't know maybe it'll give some random person something to read and kill time. Anyway, today I felt very bad when I found out that my sister thinks that it's her fault that I almost died. Just when I thought that I was putting all that behind me..It shows up again. I'm way pass the whole 'maybe I'm crazy, because only crazy people would try suicide'-stage. You would be amazed at all the things you learn when you read. (Something that I love doing, but for some reason had forgotten about) Now I know that there are cases when your life is going perfectly fine and you're as healthy as can be, but some tragic or highly emotional event happens which triggers this suicide reaction. Exactly what happened to me thanks to that bitch sending me that poem that Robert wrote for her and my 'compassionate' doctor saying very matter-of-factly 'oh you probably have a brain tumor'. A couple of weeks ago I started thinking that Robert had some blame for this as well, and had a few 'not very nice'-words for him, I even thought that the reality of it all was that he's an asshole who just used me and got what he wanted until he got scared of responsibility. After all, that's what Kristi keeps telling me.....and then it hit me. Why the hell do I keep listening to everything people say? It's not their life...it's my life. It's funny how things have a way of happening...and every day I confirm that your destiny is pretty much all set, you just have to read the signs. I got an e-mail from my sister about some survey that you have to answer with lyrics from one band or one singer...the first band that came to mind was 'The Beatles' but then I remembered how this morning when I woke up, my mom was playing 'Thanks for the memories'.....when I woke up and heard that...the first person that came to mind was Robert and then I thought maybe that's a sign that all I have left about him are memories and I should be thankful for that. This made me want to find the lyrics and while was looking for them I found other songs...among them 'My way' by Frank Sinatra and that's when I thought...here's a man who more than likely didn't have a perfect life, and made mistakes, yet he didn't regret anything and more importantly, he was happy. So I kept thinking and thinking and then I realized that when I was with Robert I always tried to live by that motto 'Don't regret anything' so why is it that after a few months, I start to second-guess myself? Because I'm stupid enough to listen to what people have to say. I need to stop doing that, so that's what I've decided to do from now on and this time I will be VERY firm about it. I sort of have been doing it ever since I had that little conversation with Olivia about abortion and how she would never do it because she had already lost a baby once....yet when I was in that position she thought that it would be totally stupid of me to have a baby and so the best thing was for me to abort. At first I thought it was very hypocritical of her to say that, then I realized that it's just human nature. We think we can give advice and be all wise, yet you can never really do that because you will never be in the exact same situation that the person who's seeking advice is. In this case nobody knows what I know and what my mom went through after having an abortion. The anger I felt when she finally told me (I knew, but for some reason it always felt like it had been a dream and I was just making it up), and the disappointment of loosing the chance of having a brother closer to my age. Therefore, it's completely stupid of us to ask for advice in the first place,.....especially of me considering how stubborn I am and knowing that in the end I'm going to do what I want to do. Asking for advice only makes me mad, pissed off and doubt myself. So why do I ask for advice? I guess I'm hoping to find someone who supports my ideas, but I don't think anyone ever will. Robert was the only one who ever came close to agreeing with some of my crazy ideas and theories. Just for continuity....I will describe my crazy theories in my next post. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 17,June,2002 | I've been thinking about the concept of time and how according to the theory of relativity, it doesn't even exist. I guess that's why people don't have time these days. If it doesn't exist you can't have any! It's funny how when I was little, time seemed to go by so slow. The whole year I would look forward to my birthday and Christmas. When I turned 13 I started to 'plan' my life. I decided that by 15 I would have a boyfriend; graduate from college by 22, work in my field of study for a couple of years, find the love of my life at 23, marry him at 24, then get pregnant and start a family at 25 or 26. Sound like a good plan? Yeah right! The boyfriend never showed up. The couple of guys that showed interest were turned down as fast as I could. (Blame it on fear.) Didn't start college until a year after High School and that wasn't really starting considering the fact that I barely attended my classes. For some reason as soon as I hit 15 Boom! Time just flew by. Before I knew it, I was 21 and able to buy alcohol. (Not that I really wanted to do that anyway!) I think around 20 I gave up on the idea of my fairy tale romance and decided to focus on other stuff. Now that I'm close to 24, I've realized how much I've grown up in the last year or so. Not really grown up but in some way I see how all my thoughts and theories make more sense. Sometimes it takes someone else to make you realize who you really are, and someone came into my life who did exactly that. Ironically I think sometimes I acted like I thought 'I should' instead of how I really felt around him. I know that I lead a simple life and I'm extremely comfortable with that. Before I used to think that I did that because I didn't have enough courage or that I was a wimp. I used to be very self-conscious about my body and now I feel very comfortable in my own skin. I'm a lot more laid back than before. I know that it's ok to let things take its own course. Most of all I have faith that good things will come my way. I've learned that just because people tell you that something is good for you, it doesn't mean that it is. I believe that each one of us knows what's good and bad for you if you just listen to your heart. I used to think that I had to know what I was going to do for a living otherwise I would have no idea what I was going to do with my life. Well, work is not my life and I don't want it to be my life or who I am so why should I worry so much about that? I really enjoy the work that I'm doing now, so I don't see what the problem is. The biggest mistake I was making was buying into the whole idea that I have to get married and have a family. Yes that was my dream when I was 12 years old, but c'mon that was almost 12 years ago. I really don't think that people need a piece of paper to be together, and babies don't exactly make a family. After the doctor told me a few weeks ago that I will probably have trouble getting pregnant, I realized that I'm ok with that. Yes like any woman, I smile and think that babies are the most adorable thing ever, but can I really handle it? I've sort of been through it with my brother, and I have to admit there are days when I can't take it anymore. It's funny but when I was five I remember finding a book that my grandpa gave to my mom after I was born about how to raise a child. My mom was starting to teach me how to read, but I didn't know how to yet so I would look at the pictures of that book and think that the book was holding the secret to the PERFECT way to raise a child. I thought all I had to do was learn how to read and I was on my way to being ready to be a mom, and of course I did so with my dolls and my 'boyfriend' at the time. Now I've learned that there's different kinds of families and the common denominator is not children but love. What about gay couples who adopt? are they not a family? or happy single parents? or a couple who just can't have kids so instead they have pets? What about a couple who fights all the time and could care less about their children? are they a family? I don't think so. When Olivia asked me how my doctor's visit was and I told her what they said, I think she felt like I needed comfort and she said 'Oh honey, don't worry even two people are a family' I thought it was the cutest thing. I didn't really need comfort because if that's the case I'm really fine with it. I've also come to realize that nothing in this world is final except death and even then I'm sure God negotiates. I have no idea what the future holds and the doctor could be wrong and I am capable of having a baby. Who knows! All I know is that it's something that I shouldn't worry about until the time comes to worry about it. It all comes down to just taking one day at a time. :) |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 10,June,2002 | Here's the silver lining in my soul mate search: If in fact, I've missed my chance; reincarnation is definitely a possibility. It goes along with karma. While attempting to clean my room (I have to admit, I can be messy at times....geniuses are messy people :D), I found a piece of paper with some interesting facts: Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846-John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860-John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both presidents were shot on a Friday. Both presidents were shot in the head. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of 15 letters. Lincoln was shot at the theater named Ford. Kennedy was shot in the car named Lincoln. Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And for your amusement here's the kicker: A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe. This means that I do have a second chance to be with my soulmate. More importantly, what goes around comes around. If you put out love it will come back to you. That's what I did and I trust that in some way shape or form I'll get it back. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 07,June,2002 | It's been a while since I've updated this but here's the follow up to my last entry: I have crazy theories, some I believe whole-heartedly, and some I just like to play around with.You decide. There's never a good enough reason to lie to me - NEVER . There can be a good reason for not wanting to tell me something. Just explain that. I can't make a guy feel needed. Wanted, yes - needed, no. Personally, I'd rather be wanted than needed - need fades faster, and can't be rekindled (unless you count that smashing-the-ankles scene in Misery). If I say I want to be alone, I mean 'I want to be alone'. Some days it's nice to be alone. It's not a test or a game. It's way too much trouble for me to come up with tests or games. The secret society of women never gave me the handbook, and I haven't had the time to learn on my own. There's always a logical solution, even if you don't like it. And there's always 360 solutions to every problem. A circle has 360 degrees therefore there's 360 points of view and 360 solutions. Until you see the problem from all those points of view and not find a solution, then you can bitch and complain about it. The chances of that happening are slim to none. I don't like being interrupted while I'm writing. Train of thought meets derailment and some of my best ideas come when I write. I can prattle on like a kid about anything from a cool bug I watched, the sound of the ocean in a sea shell, a cool photo I saw, the smell of summer nights, the feel of grass under my bare feet, an amazing night with a full moon and bright stars, a sunset, to the color of the sky that day, and when the person I'm talking to can't understand my excitement, I crush like a child as well. I have/will never ask someone if they love me. If I can't tell by their actions, all the words in the world won't make up the difference. The key to the perfect relationship is commitment to just love and trust each other while keeping your individuality. I can go on and on about this theory however, am I ever going to find someone capable of doing that with me? That's the bigger question. My guess is that I won't. As much of an optimist that I am, I've come to the conclusion that your soul mate comes along once and if you're too stupid or too afraid to realize it, then the chance passes you by. I think that's my case. On the upside of it if reincarnation is a possibility, then that will be my second chance, as far as this lifetime goes....it's still up in the air. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 27,July,2002 | I can't believe this is happening. I met a great guy...well I haven't met him. He started talking to me online. His name is Jason so I think that's a sign. He says he does look like Jason Behr except for the ears and he has green eyes. He wears glasses too!!! (I know I'm a geek with a thing for glasses) He's been talking to me everyday and I really want to meet him. He's in San Francisco which is my favorite city. He's a little crazy, but he's an artist. He is like two years younger than me, but age is just a number. He's sweet and sensitive. I'm not completely sure that he's ready to date since he recently broke up with his ex whom he lived with for about two years. He wants to know if I am ready to date too. Of course I am...Robert who? I'm a little apprehensive about meeting him, because he is a stranger and I can't be sure if everything he tells me is true, but you have to have faith in people. In the meantime, I haven't had and won't have much time to write here, cause I'm busy being happy :) I'm not sure that a long distance relationship would work, but I have been thinking about going back to school and I could try and go there. San Francisco State has a really good Graphic Arts program. Would I leave my friends and family for love?.....I think I would. Only a few people are lucky enough to find love and I don't want to miss that. Jason tells me I should move up there, when I told him that maybe he should move down here he told me exactly what I've been thinking for a while now. People in LA are fake! Which is partly true, the whole Hollywood glamour changes people. I wanna be around people that are down to earth and real, who value important things and whose problems are not 'how to loose weight and get rid of wrinkles fast so that I'll look good for the next party with so and so who knows so and so who knows the cleaning lady of Julia Roberts'. Working at the dance studio has allowed me to also meet people....from writer's, producers, soap opera actresses, etc. etc., it has shown me that most of them seem to have a stick up their butt. I wanna be with a real passionate artist who sticks for his art and not the money. Who cares if all we can eat is sandwiches everyday. I can make a mean club sandwich :) It's funny how we talk and it's almost as if he could read my mind. Olivia thinks it's a good idea to meet him. She knows all about him. If I talk to Kristi about him she'll automatically think that I'm crazy. Olivia is my confidant and the only one capable of understanding my quirky side. It was about time that the universe would send me a really good friend. Too bad she's always busy. She's the only one that I was able to tell my 'deepest darkest secret' probably because we're both in the same boat and I knew she would be the only one to understand it. Actually there's someone else who knows....maybe I shouldn't have told him....nah I wanted to be open and honest with him. Anyway...that's water under the bridge...I'll let nature take it's course and see what happens with Jason. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 14,July,2002 | Who would have thought that just as I'm about to write about the weirdest dream I've ever had, an annoying pop-up ad with the word 'Lesbians' would appear. Yes, for the first time in my life I had a dream about another girl. Before I had sex, I would only have dreams about kissing. Only one of them felt really really good and I can't even remember the guy. After I had sex, I started having sexy dreams once in a while. They all involved Robert and the things that we did or things I wished we did. It's been exactly nine months since I've had sex, and boy do I miss it! Even though I really really like it, I think I'm just a normal girl. Kristi called me a nymph once, but I think I just had a healthy normal sex life. Well, the point of this entry was the fact that this weird dream just made me confirm what I've been trying to tell Kristi: I LIKE GUYS! She thinks I should 'try something else', but that just doesn't do it for me. In my dream I was in this weird house trying to find the exit and this girl appears out of nowhere and grabs my hand and tells me that she'll show me the way out. Before I know it, we're walking towards this tiny room which appears to be a closet or something. She pushes me inside and then closes the door behind her. There's barely any room for the both of us and so our faces are really close together and she leans in and kisses me. We start kissing and her lips feel really soft, she pulls me closer to her body and my hips start to grind against hers. Her hands under my shirt massaging my breasts. I start rubbing against her thigh and as much as I try, it just doesn't feel the same. I can't help it! I need a penis. That's when I wake up and the first one in mind is Robert. What a surprise! I'm not sure why Kristi is trying to convince me about 'trying something else' when she hasn't even done it. A couple of weeks ago we had a big argument and for the first time I was able to tell her what was on my mind. (I'm so proud of that!) I told her that I hated the fact that she always had to go back to the past. She always complains about me not calling her enough. The thing about her is that she always dwells on the negative, she never remembers the times that I do call her. After a while the thing that freaked me out a little about this argument was when she told me that it really hurt her to know that I never thought about her and she 'always' thought about me. It was a really weird 'I always think about you'. Maybe it's time to put some distance. I don't want the circumstances to lead into something that I don't want. I'm human and I have the balls to admit that I'm lonely but she keeps insisting that she's ready for love. I'm sorry but love has no time restraints, it just comes. You can't say 'Oh hold on, I'm not ready I have to do this that and the other before you can come' Nor can you say 'Ok, hit me, I'm ready!'. Love is fickle like that, it comes when it wants to. She told me a few days ago that we should go to that bar where we went a few years ago and just get a drink. Alcohol and loneliness SHOULDN'T mix, and I won't let it. I have an open mind and I'll admit that I don't cross off the possibility of MAYBE kissing a girl, BUT it won't be my best friend of five years or so. Plus she's not my type ;) (Not that I do have one...) |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 17,August,2002 | All this Sarah ordeal has made me really think about things and how Robert said that all his life he has tried to avoid hating people and now as redundant as it might sound he hates the fact that he hates her, because it's a feeling that he doesn't want in his heart. Exactly how I felt when he first told me about Sarah a few months ago. Why should I have any sort of feelings for her, when I haven't even met her? That gives her some sort of influence on me and she's not even worth that. In light of the events and after another three days of not hearing from Jason I've realized that my only goal in life is to be happy; so what makes me happy? Piggy back rides make me happy, smiles make me happy, bubbles make me happy, nature makes me extremely happy, ballet makes me happy, spending time one on one with my friends and family makes me happy, reading makes me happy, writing in this journal thing makes me happy and relaxed. Learning new things makes me really happy, among those things I wanna learn are playing pool and skipping a rock (I haven't mastered that yet). Most of all, making people happy makes me happy. I don't see anything wrong with that. Robert told me that I should be a little selfish and just think about myself...I guess in order to be happy. However, I can't be selfish and oddly enough all throughout our relationship I tried to make him happy yet my parents always called me selfish. Go figure! Being selfish is just not in me. I really don't see anything wrong with me wanting to make people happy, because it truly makes me happy. It's not that I'm a pushover, because I'm quite stubborn so when I want to do something I do it (unless my mom gives me the usual guilt trip AND I have a bit of a doubt about doing it). If I feel like I HAVE to make people happy then I don't like it. For example doing what my parents told me to when I was a teenager just to make them happy...didn't make me happy. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 14,August,2002 | While trying to make sense of all this I've come to the conclusion that the best things in life don't make sense. Example: bumble bees flying, ants carrying eight times their own weight, flowers that bloom in the winter, the northern lights. How can we have all these beautiful green trees when there's rarely anything green in the planet? The ocean is blue, the ski is blue...then again if most trees are green how come cherry trees are burgundy? Why are there black roses? or perfect sterling silver roses? Some things JUST ARE. This whole Sarah thing just doesn't make sense, but it's not a great thing. The only thing that would make sense is that Robert did give her my number and he doesn't ever want to see me again and hates me like she said. However, that doesn't totally make sense either, because if he hated me and didn't want to see me ever again why did it seem like he wanted to see me just to tell me that he didn't hate me? Probably guilt. Why would he feel guilty though? ...For giving her my number? Something else that completely boggles me is the fact that I kept thinking and thinking about that John Mayer song. I finally figured out that I told Sean about it when my cousin in New York told me that I should listen to him. This happened sometime at the end of 2000 I think, and I 'met' Sean in the middle of 2000, which was when I got my 'filmmakergrl' account, so how can he know Sarah? He did admit to knowing her and helping her, so how can that be? It still doesn't make sense. How can I have met Sean before I met Robert yet he was already helping Sarah with this experiment? According to Robert he also 'met' Sarah before he met me, so how could she have been acting like me if I didn't even know Robert back then? That would mean that Sean and Sarah met Robert and I before Robert and I met each other. What are the chances of that? Her whole soul mate theory is quite boggling as well, don't get me wrong...that's probably the only thing I'd like to belive, but obviously Robert doesn't feel that or believes that. These past few days I haven't even been able to sleep. Just the thought of some stranger being able to find all those personal details about me is surreal. I can't really tell any one because when I think about it, I would sound crazy if I was to tell some one this story. I'd like to tell some one just to see if it makes sense to them but for the first time in my life I can't bring myself to talk about it. I suppose that's why I'm writing about it. Once again, Sean admitted to be part of her experiment, but his email was so brief that it doesn't make much sense. He also keeps blaming Robert, saying that he did tell Sarah that I was a psycho bitch who was stalking him. That he wanted to have fun by fucking around with me and sending me those 'Someone has a crush on you' e-mails. I don't believe that because anyone can go to that stupid matchmaker website and get an account with some one else's e-mail address and just send people e-mails saying 'someone has a crush on you'. C'mon the least they can do is be a little mature, that's the kind of stuff that high school kids do. That's why I didn't even pay attention to those emails when I got them. I'm curious and I did try to figure it out, so just to amuse them I went to the website but when they said it was Robert, I didn't belive it. What hurts the most is that he told me that Robert said I lied when I told him I was sick because it was too much of a coincidence that he had a friend with a brain tumor whom he was in love with and then after he told me about her, I suddenly had one as well. Sean sent me 'proof' of that conversation, but for all I know he could have typed up that thing himself. Then again if that is true, then ....I can't belive Robert would think I would lie about something like that; plus he told me about that friend when we first started going out, so there's no 'she magically developed a brain tumor after I told her about my friend' and he never told me that he was in love with her. The first time that Robert told me about Sarah he told me that he thought she was his soul mate, so I don't understand why he said that he didn't know what she was talking about when she talked about that in her letter. On top of all this mess, my question is where does Jason fit in? It makes sense according to Sarah's experiment that he would be acting like Robert but it doesn't make sense that he is in San Jose and I'm sure of that because that's what my phone bill says. Then again, it is a cell phone and I think you can get any area code that you want; but why would someone go through all that trouble? Just to prove that two people whom they've never even met are soul mates? At some point in the relationship, I felt that and when Robert kissed me that time at Rosie's house back in Jan., I felt that again, but if he doesn't feel it....what's the point?....he says that both individuals have to feel it....which kind of makes sense...but wouldn't that mean that if Julia didn't feel what he felt then she's not the one either?.......I don't know I'm going to have to sleep on that one.... if I can. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 13,August,2002 | It seems like the whole Sarah problem is starting to become clear. However, there's still a lot of gaps in this story. Seeing Robert after who knows how long (okay four months) was....well that's not the point. The point is, after reading that letter things were more confusing than before I got those e-mails from her or her phone call. I keep thinking and thinking and trying to figure things out but I just can't believe all that is happening. How can some one be so conniving? How can you put a stupid degree over people's lives? To confuse things even more, Jason finally sent me a message. He says he has nothing to do with this and that he doesn't know any Sarah or Sean. It seems very odd to me that after calling me every day for the past month, he would just not call or talk to me online. How can some one go from some times even spending most of the day either online or on the phone with you to just nothing? He only did that once when I called him and he didn't return my call all day. The next day we had an argument about it, but that was it. I'm certainly not a needy girl, I was simply worried about him because he had been sick the last time I had talk to him so when I called him the next day and he didn't return my call it was odd. Anyway, the point is....when I talked to him today, he told me that the reason why he didn't call me was because his phone wasn't working. Oddly enough those bastards at verizon didn't send me my first bill and so I didn't pay it and when I got the second bill saying that the first one was past due, I also got my service disconnected. I could have called him from home but I just don't want my mom to know my business. When I asked him about not being online he said that he didn't have service for about three days and questioned why I wasn't online either. Odd but true again, they had to switch the DSL service from the phone line to the fax line at work, so I thought I didn't have service at work for about three days. Finally Saturday morning after being on the phone with technical support I discovered that there was nothing wrong with the service I was simply typing in the wrong user name, well not the user name but I wasn't typing the whole @blah, blah, blah thing. How could I have been so stupid and not realize that mistake for three days? Work was crazy last week so even when I got home, I just didn't have the energy to be online either. It's just surreal to know that the same week that I'm not able to communicate with Jason, Robert gets that letter from Sarah and then we get that e-mail from her. After talking to Jason again and when he started telling me how much he missed me and how sorry he was for not trying harder to talk to me, I started thinking that maybe he doesn't have anything to do with this, and after he started typing my favorite line to that John Mayer's song ('something about the way the hair falls in your face. I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillow case')......that just got me. I figured what the hell, I would just throw caution to the wind and go see him. I checked and there was a train leaving at 11:30 pm. I would be with him Tuesday morning spend the day together maybe the night and come back Wednesday just in time for work. It wouldn't be the perfect weekend at a Bed and Breakfast in Big Sur like we had hoped for but it would be the only way to finally see if there is something there. However, my mom still has a lot of influence on me. After talking to her before buying my ticket, she made me worry about dad and how he would blame her if I took off and left; so I tried to talk to dad about it, and as usual he basically called me stupid. He said I would make the same mistake that I made with Robert. How many fucking times am I going to have to listen to that shit? No matter what happens or what they think I KNOW that Robert was not a mistake. So after driving around pissed off, I finally came home and went to bed. At 2:00 am my mom comes upstairs to caress my hair, kiss my forehead, and tell me how much she loves me, thinking that I'm sleeping. I've often wonder why I've only heard her say those words in the middle of the night when she thinks that I'm sleeping and won't hear her. So here I am at 3:00 am writing about it and more confused than before. Seeing Robert and finally realizing how much Jason reminds me of him is undescribable. I thought that I was finally over him but I know that I'm not. Every time Jason would say 'I love you', I would say it back again and again; hoping that it would come true. At some point I really thought I did feel it, until he pointed out the fact that every time I said it it would be the same tone of voice. It made me realize and think that I was only lying to myself. It makes me mad at myself because I have tried and tried to forget Robert and I just can't. I'm still confused because what if Jason is the one I was hoping for? |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 11,August,2002 | It's been three days since I was robbed at the studio and it's just starting to sink in. I've never felt as stupid as I did Thursday night. A guy comes in pretending that he's waiting for his sister and niece to come and check out some classes and even though my sixth sense gave me a funny feeling, I trusted the guy. He asks to use the bathroom, clogs it and when I go in to get the plunger he flushes it again so it overflows. I go to get the mop and he says he's going to get a hanger from the cleaners next door. He obviously didn't come back with the hanger. I assumed that he was embarrassed by the whole situation and didn't want to come back. Closing time comes and when I go to check the cash...voila! it's gone. I don't know how many times I've heard that I'm trusting to a fault and that I shouldn't do that. I can't help it, I guess it's one of my weaknesses. I like to think that the world is still a safe and happy place. It makes me really mad to know that the guy took advantage of my trust and at the same time I wonder if maybe he really needed the money. It was only 62 bucks. It will certainly won't break the studio and who knows, maybe it gave him enough to have a place to sleep at night or food to put in his mouth. That's the optimist in me. As much as Rosie was mad, she was also worried about me. She's the best boss I've ever had. I remember only being mad at her once when she raised her voice at me because I didn't call a student to inform them of a change in her scheduled class. The whole thing was not my fault, I'm not a mind reader and I didn't even know about the change to begin with. Amazingly enough, right after feeling like shit because of it, I got a phone call from Robert and that made all the difference. It certainly brought a smile to my face and made me feel like everything was going to be ok. The last phone call that made me smile was from Jason at 12:00 am a few days ago just to tell me that he wanted to hear my voice before going to sleep. I haven't heard from him since and it seems like the whole Sarah ordeal is back. The whole thing is starting to get a bit creepy. I guess unresolved things keep hunting you down. I just wish I knew what I did wrong. I know that some things are better left unknown but as far as this situation goes...I NEED to know. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 09,August,2002 | I was thinking about how they found some diamond mines in Russia and thus diamonds will loose their value in the upcoming years. When I really think about it....it's quite funny how we value things. Here's why: graphite, diamonds -chemically they're the same damn thing - just carbon, yet we look at them so differently. Diamonds are beautiful and expensive, a 'symbol of undying affection' (which to me is a bunch of bullshit - you show love, you don't buy it). Everyone loves diamonds, but graphite- it's just there. We hardly even notice it. It's dark and relatively unattractive, it's cheap, and it helps us write or doodle in my case; but we could give a shit about graphite. That's a sad testimony to our society in a way. We worship beauty all too much. Diamonds are beautiful but they're the same freaking thing as graphite - simply double bonded carbon, yet no one sees that, and no one much cares. Because diamonds are so special and pretty, and graphite's just there. If you ask me, I'd rather get a bouquet of sharpened pencils to draw, than a diamond ring. I value love, honesty, understanding, integrity, strenght of character and just the simple fact that I'm alive. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 29,September,2002 | I've been in a weird funk. Too much going on at the same time. My car in a hit & run, trying to find another job, etc. I needed some alone time but now I'm ready for buddy time with Frenchie. Hanging with Olivia rocks!! I finally got her to go to the movies with me. I think Patrick Dempsey had a lot to do with it, but she also owed me a date for my birthday. She left me alone to go hump Mack in Hawaii. I don't blame her, I'd probably do it too. Under a waterfall in one of those islands. :) Instead I was stuck with Kristi....was it too much to ask to go the beach? I had to wait and wait for about two hours after I got to her house cause she was busy on the phone with her friend. Obviously by the time we left it was kind of late. We're driving there an she says she doesn't know how to get there. She relies on me....ME? the girl with the worst sense of direction in the world. Whenever I'm going somewhere, I basically drive around hoping to get there. I usually do, not the best way, but hey....it's my way. Funny thing is I never have trouble coming back home. I always find my way home. :) Well enough about the bad birthday I had. That Patrick sure is hot...but why am I a sucker for the 'Soulmates' theme? There was 'What Dreams May Come' and now it's 'Sweet Home Alabama'. I should probably expand my horizons to Sex and Violence! A dash of Horror too. Well..I actually LOVE mystery and every once in a while your usual fucked up theme like 'Requiem for a Dream', even 'Clockwork Orange'. What I really really enjoy is all those little independent ones. They have more substance sometimes. Blockbusters can be very predictable at times. Fantasy at the movies is awesome. Two hours of non-reality and 'what ifs?'. I get enough of reality just by breathing. I also got to talk to Olivia for longer than 10 min. She's a little worried about my sister and her whole having to go to a different school now. Teenagers!! I really don't see her point. She's being a little too dramatic. It's scary though, she doesn't want to eat and she cries all day. It's not like she won't see Daniel during the weekends. But alas, I have to help. I wish I could and the last resource is Robert now. Hopefully he'll lend a hand. He's cool, I'm sure he will. Olivia is the other cool person in my life. Even with her jamm-packed schedule she manages to still remember the latest news about my life. I think there are friendly soulmates just like couple-soulmates and I'm sure she's my friend-soulmate. She simply gets me. Overall, this month pretty much sucked. Didn't even find the energy to write. Memories of last year just made it dee-pressing. There's too much death and hate in this world. Hanging with Olivia kind of charges up my batteries. Reminds me that there's still good people in this world. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 29,January,2003 | So what if Atlas did shrug? Man! I have to read that book. Ayn Rand sounds like she's on to something with that book. I've been trying to read it for the past year and half, but I get to a point then I stop and when I pick it up again I have to start over. It's that darn time. I should probably tie myself to the bed until I'm done reading it. Mmmh tied to the bed.....now there's a thought ;) kind of a naughty one ...lol ...but it's still a thought. On to the next...I was also thinking about sporks...how come we don't call them foons instead? Olivia says it means pussy in French so I guess the word won't fly at the table. Another word that should be added to the dictionary is flowy....the correct term is fluid; yet it makes me think of water and it screws up everything. Fabric can't be fluid, it should be flowy. If fabric were fluid...it'd be wet and thus it would just hang there. Am I the only one that sees this? An awesome missing word is 'Dunch', we have 'Brunch' which is the meal between breakfast and lunch. I think it's only fair to have 'Dunch' the meal after lunch but before dinner. I think I might just marry the first guy who asks me out for 'Dunch'. 'Let's grab a bite' is over-used, and what are we going to bite anyway?.... I can think of a few things to bite but I don't think his little guy would appreciate that. ;) I wanna hear something original, I wanna hear a guy say 'Hey how about some Dunch tonight?' or maybe I should ask him. Nah if he wants it, he should come and get it....later on I can be the aggresive one. I'm still shy to make the first move. Overall, I think the dictionary needs to be edited. Webster is way outdated. Although when it really comes down to it. Words sure are a tricky thing. How about corn on the cob? shouldn't the whole thing just be corn? you don't say arm on a Mary..it's just Mary....and what is up with flammable and inflammable? same freaking thing. You don't need two words to describe the same thing!! Life is complicated enough. How about one word with two completely different meanings....i.e. Speeder: It could mean a person who speeds or a person who does speed...then again 'Speeder' is not a word and it would probably be the stupidest one in the dictionary.....get it? Oh boy! I crack me up. That's why the biggest fault in communication is the illusion that it has been achieved. How can we understand each other when we say one thing yet it has a slightly different meaning to us than to the person we're talking to. That's why I should sometimes just keep my mouth shut. Just observe, listen, and learn. That's the way to go. But what can I say, sometimes my goofy side takes over and I become a chatterbox. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 27,January,2003 | I was thinking about the odds of someone finding this and actually taking the time to read it, and I'm sure if anyone does, it'll be some guy in an igloo somewhere in the middle of Alaska with nothing but a computer. The visual is quite funny. It reminds me of that Snickers commercial with two girls getting their report cards with bad grades and going to the admissions office to ask for a change of address form. Then you see this guy in an Eskimo suit receiving them. It's a little funny. I have some weird quirk about commercials. The last really cool one that I remember is for some car. They're driving throughout this neighborhood and all you see are little kids outside playing and being kids. Then they show a sign saying 'Leaving Childhood' then the next sign on the road says 'Old Age Ahead', so the guy just turns around! I don't really know why people are so afraid of getting old. I'm actually looking forward to my thirties....then again that's not really old per say. I've just heard that it's a good age for women. Sexual peak or something like that. The only thing I miss about childhood is that happy carefree feeling....don't we all? Mhm...time's relative anyway. I do feel 24 going on 30....I matured quite a lot in the past few months. Anyway, another really cool commercial was one that I saw yesterday during the Super Bowl (and don't get me started with that....it was like that stupid game of 'who would you sleep with?' and both options aren't very attractive....I hate the Raiders and I'm not very fond of anything to do with Florida, none the less Tampa Bay). As I was saying....the commercial was with all these little kids in little league. They all look adorable in their little helmets and all. Each one is saying the position that they play, so you've got one saying 'I play defense', then another one saying 'I play offence', then 'I'm ...I'm the quarterback'.....finally they show this little one with his helmet in his hands and I believe wearing glasses and scratching his head saying 'I, I....I play back there!'. It's cute! If I ever have a son, I'd want him to be in little league....maybe his dad could even be the coach. Hopefully he won't inherit my athletic abilities, otherwise he'd end up being the kid with the glasses. Oh but my ultimate favorite commercial is an old VW Cabriolet Convertible commercial. Not only is it my dream car but the whole theme is awesome. Just a couple of friends driving at night, enjoying nature, the night and the stars. When they get to a party they look at each other and they just know that they don't need that so they turn around and leave. Nick Drake's 'Pink Moon' plays in the background and that just completes the commercial. Granted it's not a car that would be good for camping or outdoor activities which is what I would like in the future....but that's why it's a dream. The fact that 'Pink Moon' is about death is a little bizarre too, but then again not very many people pay attention to the lyrics of songs like I do. Well, I only wondered about the odds so that I know if I should censor myself when writing in this thing but I don't think I will. I've finally found a place where I can be completely honest about myself and I shouldn't miss the opportunity. Heck...whatever happened to freedom of speech? We're all too worried about what we say or being politically correct. Nah....I shouldn't worry about that in this place. No one who knows me will actually be able to find this. Speaking of odds.....what I wanna know is 'What are the odds on a little love and understanding?'.....my sister told me once that it was 46.....I still don't get it. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 10,January,2003 | Well the holidays are over and with the new year comes a little reflection of 2002. Oh how I've missed you my friend, you're my secret-keeper, my 100% confidant. I abandoned you, to become a crazy focused girl who only listened to her head instead of her heart. Stupid brain got me in HUGE trouble. Or maybe I just wasn't thinking. Raw emotions are a dangerous thing ...I tell you. And while love is not an excuse, it certainly is the fuel that drove me to this asinine decision. Remember Sarah? Well, you're the only one whom I can be completely honest with because in some way, I guess I'm writing to myself. There's no point in lying to yourself, although some people like to live in denial. I'd like to use this and put it out as some sort of healing old wounds-device. Writing about it will probably help me get it out, in order to move on. Anyway, after the third or fourth failed attempt at building and keeping a friendship with Robert, Sarah came back to wreck the day. She started emailing me trying to apologize for what she did and whatnot. Unbeknownst to me, she was still checking Robert's email account, and who knows what else she kept doing. She knew that his dad had passed away sometime in Sept. The last time that I had seen Robert was when I went over to his house to give him a birthday present, which was right after she had sent him that letter explaining her whole experiment thing. I should have known that Robert never really intended to be my friend after breaking up with me. His actions showed otherwise at times which is what made me want to try and build a friendship, but who knows what he really felt or what he feels now...my guess...total and complete HATE for me. While hate is a strong word, I don't see how he could feel anything less than that for me. All I know is that overall he's a decent human being and now that I think about it....if his dad passed away in Sept. that might explain why he forgot my birthday....nah. It's pointless to keep analyzing why he did what he did or why he didn't do this and that. After his birthday, I saw him in late September which was when he told me about his dad passing away. When I called him, he hung up on me. HELLO???? Earth to Katya!!!! big sign right there, that I shouldn't have called. This should've taught me not to be stupid and stubborn. I guess unconsciously I kept holding on to that one sentence back in August 'Give me some time'...why did he have to say that? In her letter Sarah basically said that her experiment had proven that Robert had fallen in love with the wrong person and technically the person he should've been with was me. I assumed that when Robert told me to give him some time, it meant that at some point we could be friends again, which is all I ever wanted. He was a good friend, a nice caring sensitive guy, which is what hurts the most because he doesn't deserve what I did to him. I lost his trust and considering I didn't have much of it to begin with, since he kept thinking that I had tried to trap him with a baby, I really fucked up by trusting Sarah. I guess he didn't realize that I was just naive and overstressed at the time that the whole pregnancy scare happened. Boy that experience sure made me learn a little faster. If my plan was really to trap him with a baby, I have to say that I'm intelligent enough, and I wouldn't have told him that I suspected that I was pregnant. Tina even told me not to tell him anything unless I was sure of something. I would've waited to find out if I was...and then wait a bit more until abortion wasn't an option. But my mind was never there, first because I know that a kid doesn't keep a guy with you. He might be there financially for the kid, but not emotionally. They end up resenting the child, they hate the mother for 'trying to trap them', and they don't necessarily stay with the mom. If they do stay with the mom, they're miserable. I also don't want a guy to stay with me because of a kid, but because he loves me. The funny thing about a couple is that they're either both happy or both miserable. You can't have a happy partner with a miserable one. If one is miserable the other one can't be happy. Which is why I never meant to 'keep' him with a baby. When I made the decision that I was going to have the baby, had I been pregnant, I also made the decision that Robert wasn't going to be a part of it, because he always said that he never wanted to have kids and I wasn't going to change that. I barely have the willpower to change little things about myself that I don't particularly like, so there's no way I could ever change someone, nor would I want to. I've seen enough women trying to change men, to know that they never do. You either love them like that or leave them...so as much as I love him and because I love him, I was going to have to leave him before making him miserable by 'trapping' him as he would have seen it. I knew that I was going to loose him in the process of keeping that baby. He would have probably taken responsibility financially, but I wouldn't have cared much about that. What children mainly need is loving parents not parents that feel like they HAVE to be there. They need parents who WANT to be there and love them no matter what. Back to the point. Now that the theater came down. I can tell you that before I knew it I agreed to let Sarah help me get another chance with Robert. So she had me telling her things about the deceased Mr. Ron and trying to convince Robert that his dad's wish was for him to get back with me and try to work things out again. I've learned that sometimes things start out kind of innocent and before you know it, it's too late to go back. Now I really know what the whole 'point of no return' expression feels like. As stupid as it might sound, Sarah made it seem like it would help Robert gain some closure. Sarah convinced me that it would be a good deed like that movie Amalie. Well....this turned out to be the fucked up version of that movie. We would let Robert know that his dad was in a good place and even though he didn't spend as much time with him as he might have wished, his dad loved him very much none the less and he wasn't a disappointment to his dad like he sometimes thought. Every time I would doubt doing something, she would assure me that she had everything under control and if anything failed I was to blame her for everything because she would be leaving the country soon anyway. Little did I know that the more details I was giving her the more power I gave her to make me look crazy. Stupid details that I found by chance, like how he had gone to see one of the girls one night because I happened to be driving back from dropping a friend home who lives on the same street that Tina and Melissa lived on. How could I have been so stupid as to believe HER of all people. She sure knew how to push every button. I guess she was good at finding my weakness which was Robert and she kept telling me how he had fallen completely in love with her and the only reason was because she was acting like me the whole time, so if that was true than it meant that technically he was in love with me. She drilled that in my head every chance she got, and she'd rub that poem that he wrote for her in my face every now and then. To think that I actually believed him that one night when we were fooling around and he told me that I could have anything that I wanted, and I pointed to his heart and then he told me that I already had that. Of course he warned me that only a little bit, because no one would ever have the whole thing. I was content with just a little. Come to find out from Sarah that he was willing to give her all his 'heart full of love'. I learned that when people get to your core and they find your most vulnerable state where deep raw emotions lie, they can get you to say things you only mean at that particular moment in time. She would tell me how sorry she felt for me knowing how Robert was spending time with Lindsay. I'm not a very jealous person, yet everytime she would mention Lindsay it would piss me off. I honestly have nothing against her, but it hurts to be reminded that at one point in time when I needed Robert the most, he pushed me away to go be with her. He was having fun with her at the movies while I was going through hell, telling my mom how I thought I might be pregnant. He pinned me down as a girly girl, yet she would always be his cool friend who liked sports. I guess he never really took the time to get to know me better. There's a whole world inside of me that he never bothered to see, and it's what makes me wonder if that world is what Sarah showed him that made him feel anything for her. In a very rational point of view anyone could see that it was a little crazy of him to have any sort of feelings for her having never met her, yet love isn't rational. So everything came down when the police came to my house with a search warrant. I talked to Sarah that day to tell her what had happened and she assured me that they wouldn't find anything thanks to that washer program she had told me to install. Well, guess what? It didn't work out like that. They found everything ..and now I'm the biggest disappointment of my family, I've hurt the only man I've ever truly loved and I've obviously lost him forever, even as a friend. His family hates me, and in the eyes of more than a few people, I'm crazy. It's ironic because how can you loose something you never even had to begin with? Anyway, that night was the beginning of my nightmare. Payback sure is a bitch!! ....and I had a lot to pay for. Robert said it in one of his replies, 'You made my mother miserable and someone's going to bleed for that'....and I certainly did. I'm going about my business that night trying not to think about what had happened in the morning and before I know it someone's walking me towards the car with a knife to my throat...I'm still wondering why they didn't just kill me. Whomever he was, drove me around for about two hours I think; reminding me of places where Robert and I went to, details about our relationship, personal details about both of us that I still don't know how he knew. I don't remember if I might have told Sarah or maybe even Robert told her. After all, they did have some sort of relationship...online...but it's still something. Between her and Sean and considering how long the two of them talked to Robert and I, I'm sure they know enough. For some strange reason I'm still alive, I guess because I still need to pay for my mistakes. Like they say, you pay for your sins when you're alive not when you die. About two weeks later I finally decided to talk to the detectives and get it over with, what was the point of prolonging punishment. I was hoping that they wouldn't find anything but it's kind of impossible, Sarah knew exactly what she was doing. So I talked to them and after an hour or so of trying to get away with not knowing anything I just decided to confess and tell them what they wanted to hear. They wanted to hear that I had done everything so I told them that I did. Frankly I don't see the point in saying yeah Sarah talked me into helping her. I'm old enough to know better. I let her manipulate me and that's no excuse, the least I can do is take responsibility. If she wanted him to hate me, she sure accomplished that. Now she knows how wrong she was when she said that if something happened to me, he would come to comfort me. Who am I kidding? she was probably sure that he wouldn't care at all. It's so weird how the detective acted after yelling at me and rubbing it in my face how disappointed and ashamed my parents were when they went to my house with that search warrant and how selfish I was. She asked if there was anything they could do for me. The only thing I wanted them to do was to talk to the LAPD, so that they wouldn't go and bother Robert, I knew that he had nothing to do with what had happened to me that night. I'm sure he hates me, but not to that point. But I did know that when the LAPD talked to Rosie and Olivia they were both sure that Robert had something to do with it. They called his house and he wasn't there which to me was just a coincidence but to them it meant that he was involved. I had done enough to also make him go through questions and such from the police. When it comes down to it, if anyone is responsible for what happened to me that night, it's either Sarah or Sean. I'm still alive and in a big way, I deserve what I got. I also asked the detective to please talk to his mom and apologize for me. I never emailed her, but I'm sure Sarah did and I wonder what she told her because like Robert said....it made her miserable. I told the detective to tell his mom that all I ever did was love her son very much and I was deeply sorry for what had happened. I asked if it was possible to call Robert and apologize myself, but I guess that was too much to ask for. I also asked her to get my journal back which I had given to Robert. She obviously thought it had been a stupid idea. She asked why I had done that and I told her that it was simply my way of opening up to him in the hopes that he would do the same. I wonder if he got the meaning to all the things that were in that box for his birthday....the water we drank when we had sex, the m&m's I'd usually get for him, the only one he might have found odd was the Norah Jones CD. I should have told him that I only got it because I wanted him to listen real close to 'Cold, cold, heart'. Note to selfnever give things that only ever meant something to you to begin with. I doubt I'll get the journal back, he probably got rid of it a long time ago. In a way, I only want it back so that I can make sure that it's destroyed and close that chapter of my life once and for all. I don't regret being with Robert, because he made me happy while I was with him and I was able to know what love is, I only regret trusting Sarah because I hurt him a lot by doing that and most of all, in his eyes I'll always be the crazy bitch who hurt him and his family. What I wouldn't give to turn back time..... I wish that things would have ended amicably so that we both would've been able to have a nice memory of the relationship. I wish that he wouldn't have given me all those mixed signals about trying to build a friendship, and if he did want that friendship I wish we would have built that. Nietzsche says in one of his essays that a strong man wishes to re-live his mistakes over and over again because it makes him stronger. In my case I don't wish that at all, because in the process of that mistake, I hurt the man that I've loved the most. If I had been the only casualty in this mess, I wouldn't feel as bad as I do, and even though the point wasn't to hurt him, things happened that way. Overall, I've learned that you shouldn't be persuaded into doing things that don't completely feel right to begin with. I should base my choices in my own experience and without anyone's help; that way if I fuck up, I know that I did it on my own. All in all I wish that wherever Mr. Ron might be, he'll be able to see that I was just stupid and never meant to hurt his son or his family and more than anything I wish to thank him for helping bring into this world a great man and I'm lucky that I got to meet him and be with him even for a little bit. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 22,February,2003 | In an attempt of getting out of the house and seeing new faces, my aunt convinced me to go out to a club with her friend Carolina, Carolina's husband, and Carolina's brother in law. Basically I was the fifth wheel. Being that it was Friday night and after yet another bad day at work I wasn't too enthused. She convinced me by saying that last week I had abandoned her. Yeah well, take in to account that being Valentine's Day I specifically avoided thinking about it by working all damn day until 9:30...plus I had to get those stupid Board Packages out to the directors and the copy machine was not my friend that night. So I agreed to go and we got to this club and it seemed like a cool environment. So they ordered drinks and we started drinking and enjoying the night. The four of them get up to dance and I'm stuck babysitting the drinks. It wasn't that bad because the songs that they were playing at that moment were not exactly my kind. Later on this guy came up and asked me to dance, so I did. Now he was no Patrick Swayze on 'Dirty Dancing', but he was ok, and let's be honest I can have two left feet at times. :( We danced a couple of songs and that was it. Then another guy came along and asked me again. This one was really close to Patrick, and the funny thing is that my two left feet were history. I started to really enjoy dancing with him. I found moves that I didn't even know where in me!!! Dancing can be quite sexy...I mean there are days when I actually feel very feminine and sexy. (Heck if I was a guy, I'd fuck me.....what can I say? I do love myself) So there I was, dancing the night away with a guy whom I thought was pretty decent and a good dancer. Before I know it, the asshole grabs my ass and kisses me!!! Where the hell did he get off doing that? I push him away and he tells me 'Oh you know you want it' NO I DON'T. He then went on to try to kiss me again and stick his tongue in my mouth. I kept pushing him but he wouldn't let go and he was quite strong, not to mention how much of a shrimp I am. I'm standing there pushing him away and asking myself 'Isn't anyone noticing that I want this creep off of me?' Needless to say that ruined the whole night. I went and sat down for the rest of the night. Oh how I wished I had taken my car, I wouldn't have had to wait till 2 AM to come home, and I wouldn't be laying here with my poor legs in pain. Moral of the story: Don't go to places you know aren't your kind of place to begin with. Next time if I wanna meet a guy, I'll just go to a local coffee house where they read poetry or something cool like that. I might have a better chance of meeting someone who lets the blood run to his brain and not his dick. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 12,February,2003 | I remember playing this game when I took Psychology in high school. The teacher wrote two or three sentences in a piece of paper. She then gave it to a student to read and give it back. The student then had to tell another student what the paper said, then that student had to tell the next student and so on. By the time the story had gone through the whole class it was completely deranged. POINT: I get a phone call from the Long Beach Detective today accusing me of stalking Tony. She proceeds to tell me that she received a call from Steve saying that Robert had told him that Tony told him that I had followed Tony last Saturday for 30 min. Correct me if I'm wrong, but what kind of detective relies on a story that's been through three mouths? I told her what had happened. Saturday night before going to Olivia's show I had to drop off Val's friend at his house which is almost at the end of the block where Robert lives. Basically I dropped him off I took the next street after Robert's street, I made a right turn and then I needed to make a left to go into this one street that happens to be a one lane street for about a mile. I'm waiting to turn left when I see this idiot stopping right on the intersection while turning left. He turns around and 'Surprise' ...it's Tony. The car in front of me turns left and then I turned left as well. So there's a car between Tony and I, and the guy is driving at about 10 miles per hour...if at all. Yes there are a lot of bumps on that street which kind of makes you go slower, but 10 miles an hour? and I know he's not the safest driver in the world considering we were in an accident the second time Robert and I rode with him. If that street had two lanes I would've passed him as soon as I got a chance to, but I was stuck behind him and this other car for about a mile. Now, I'm no math genius here but even at 10 miles an hour, it does not take thirty minutes to travel a mile going at that speed. Where the hell did he get 30 min.? and did he forget the fact that I passed him as soon as the street turned into two lanes? Sure..I was following him...and what would the purpose of that be? I was in a hurry to get to the show. I told the detective where I was going and why I had been close to his house. She goes on to tell me that I'm not allowed to be anywhere near his house that I should go around. Around where? Apparently Tony said that I drove pass his house then turned around to follow him. I never drove pass his house. She then tells me that I could get arrested because there's a restraining order saying that I'm not allowed near his house. I'm sorry but I'm not and idiot and last time I checked, Robert didn't show up to court for that, so the restraining order was dismissed. I didn't major in law either; but that to me, means that I'm free to go where ever I want to go. However, I have no desire to be near his house, but unfortunately I had to do the kid a favor and drop him home. I told the detective my side of the story....of course not in the smart-ass way that I just did, but she told me that she wasn't even going to bother calling and explaining that to them because they didn't believe a word I said. Doesn't it make you just love the system? Why call and ask for an explanation when you're not even going to bother giving it to the person making the accusations? I told her that the main reason why I didn't see anything wrong with dropping off my sister's friend was because the restraining order had been dismissed because Robert didn't show up to court. So she tells me, 'Well, unusual circumstances prevented him from going but he's going to file for another one'. Ok so I'm going to put a peanut stand on the corner of my house ...who knows when, but I expect people to stand there and be ready to buy the peanuts. I also remember my dad telling me once that he heard a judge telling this guy once...'I don't care what's going on, but unless you're in the hospital dying or in jail, your responsibility is to show up to court' What pisses me off the most is why do I keep feeling like I have to prove my innocence? aren't you supposed to be innocent until proven guilty? I haven't done a thing for two months, I told them what they wanted to hear two months ago. She tells me that there's an investigation still going on....what are they investigating? Wasn't it enough that I told them I did everything? It's what they wanted to hear! When I confessed, she told me that they would talk to Steve and Robert and it would probably get filed as a misdemeanor, I would get like 6 months probation, and I could have my computer and camera back in a week. Two months later....where's my computer an my camera? Funny....I remember her great piece of advice....'Read 'The Rules'...you'll find someone'. Sure helped her a lot, that's why she's divorced. No offence lady, but when it comes to relationships and love.....I'm not big on 'rules'. I just go with my feelings. Now maybe writing all this isn't the brightest idea but I have to vent somewhere. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 09,February,2003 | Val and I went to see Olivia's show last night. It was awesome!! Her piece was called 'Love' with Art of Noise's 'Moments in Love'....that song is total BMM (Baby-Making-Music). The girls have gotten to be really good. I remember them two years ago or so when I started working at the studio and they were good but nothing out of the ordinary and to see them now it's unbelievable. Sitting in that little theater made me realize how much I want that. On New Years's eve I had an amazing insight. After a few tequilas your mind kind of gets into a really laid back theme that allows you to see things that you tend to bury deep down. I'm not saying you need to be drunk to see things, but after all that I went through last year I was starting to forget a lot of things. My uncle reminded me that I had told him once that my biggest dream was to direct something. Whether it be a play, a movie, or even a dance show, just something that would allow me to be creative and work hard and actually see a product. My imagination come to life. I disregarded that, thinking it was impossible and useless to pursue. It made me think about the deal I had made with Olivia, when we kept talking to Rosie and supporting her idea of expanding the studio. In a way I'm really happy of that accomplishment. Rosie needed a little push and I was able to show her that it could be done. Olivia and I talked and for the first time it seemed as if someone actually believed in me. She told me that she wanted to have her own dance studio, but actually more than just a studio. I said 'How about a quaint little theater where we could put musicals and such?'. She said that she could see that I wanted something like that too. It's funny how she can see right through me most of the time. She said she needed a partner to make that happen and she wanted me to be that partner. She already has plans to buy the studio once Rosie retires. She asked if I would help her with the business side of it, since she could see that I really enjoyed that. Watching that show made me realize how she keeps working towards that. I've let myself get trapped in a 9-5 that makes me feel like I'm working towards nothing. It sure pays the bills and soon I'll be able to be on my own but it's sucking the life out of me. Working at the studio was rewarding because I got to be around kids all the time. The smiles and love that they radiate just gives you hope for a better tomorrow. I think my family and most people just saw it as a measly little job that anyone with an IQ of 10 would be capable of doing. The reality is that it basically taught me how to run a business. Granted is not something I'd do on my own. I'm a lot better at being a partner than being a leader. I'm capable of being bossy, but that's basically with my siblings and that's only cause I'm the oldest, so it's part of the job description. :) Rosie is good with the creative side of it all, but when it came to the nitty gritty of administration, and paperwork, she hated it. So as I was sitting there last night up in the balcony looking down at all those people watching this great show for no reason I look up at the ceiling and there's this big, bright star and it just clicked. I thought ....I want this. I looked at my sister and she had this gleam in her eye wondering 'How come it's not me doing that for a living?' I've talked to her about what she wants to do and she says she 'HAS' to be a psychologist....I have no idea where she got this from. Apparently she thinks it's the only way to be able to help my parents buy a house, which is my mom's biggest dream. She's falling in the trap that if she were to become a dancer she wouldn't be able to make a living. I told her that if she really wanted to pursue that then she should. Funny she went on to tell me that Daniel had told her that she should and if money was a problem then he would support her. He's going to be an engineer so money probably won't be an issue for him. It's kind of nice to see them making plans for the future. I don't know if I've become completely jaded and I doubt that it'll happen like that, but I'm glad that she's found him. I'll be a year and a half since they've been together now and for kids their age...it sure seems like a lot. Hell...I wasn't capable of keeping a relationship for more than six months....and I might not be able to keep one at all. Thus I should focus on this silly dream of mine. I do have to admit that I've develop a funny bug for computers.....it ties with the Graphic Arts dream that I've also had at some point. I mean...I remember people calling the studio for information and asking if we had a website...and it always made me think ....'Yeah we should put one up'. Finally having a front desk and not being squished in a hall...wasn't a major accomplishment but it felt like I had helped achieve that. Maybe it was because Rosie would ALWAYS ask for my opinion about things related to the studio. Funny how to this day she's still calling me every once in a while asking about things or asking for help to cover the desk after work because Carol can't go. I hate the fact that the only reason that a lot of things in regards to my dreams are not happening is because of certain Immigration Laws. The fact that I wasn't born here and I shouldn't be here just stops me from being able to do many things. That's basically why I didn't finish College, why my parents can't buy a house, and why my life is becoming one giant mess. I guess all I have left to do is wait and keep hoping that things will change soon. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 01,February,2003 | Sports sure are awesome. I went to see a Clipper's game with Mack and Olivia yesterday and it ruled!! Olivia missed almost the first half, but I was amazingly comfortable with just Mack. He's cool, he doesn't talk much but when he does, he's deep. I think most Asian people have that quiet, serene, being at peace sense of self that draws you in. She did miss the coolest part though. They had a bunch of peanuts playing for about five min. The funny thing is that they were all wearing big uniforms, including BIG shoes. Needless to say more than one of them fell down at some point. Clippers lost, but I don't really care....like any good thing in life it's not the destination but the journey that matters. It had been a long time since I had hung out with my Frenchie and what better way to do that then enjoying a basketball game. It's the oddest thing, but if you had asked me to a game like two years ago I probably couldn't have cared less. That's the amazing thing about people, they introduce you to things that you might not think to try yourself. The only sport that no one will ever get me to enjoy is soccer. My sister thinks it's crazy. She says ...'You're Mexican, you're supposed to like it'. Yeah well, in case she hasn't noticed, I don't really do things simply because I'm 'supposed to'. I did that for a long time and it's not fun or good....I wasn't really being me. For some odd reason she does like it. All the yelling of the announcer annoys the heck out of me. They should probably get those guys to do golf! Now that might make golf a little interesting. :) Another sport that I don't really enjoy watching is baseball...on TV that is. I like going to the games. The last game I went to was a really long time ago. I was actually still in high school. :O Seems like decades ago!!....actually it will be a decade pretty soon. And don't get me wrong just because it's been a long time since I've gone to a game doens't mean I wouldn't enjoy going. Kind of like Paris, just because I've never been there doesn't mean that I wouldn't have the time of my life visiting. Singing along to 'Take me out to the ball game' rocks!!!......I sing a whole lot better when I'm in the shower....but that's another story. I did have a whole year of 'training' when I was in choir. IN JR. HIGH!! It should still count for something. Anyway, it was a good night and it sure helped take my mind off of shit that keeps dragging behind. Monday I went to court and he didn't show up. I wonder what the hell is going on. (Looking up) 'Will you just punish me and get it over with already?' |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 29,March,2003 | I feel like I have bent over to allow life to have its way with my ass. The guilt I feel from being involved with Sarah and the mess that I helped cause by letting my emotions take the best of me, is causing me to be passive instead of aggressive. This reminds me how rhetoric is just a bunch of people sitting around contemplating the theoretical that has no practical application to the actual; a think-tank of 'what ifs' and 'let's hope'. That's what I've been doing, but I need to have a plan which is very straightforward and with a purpose. I received a call...not sure if it was that bitch, my brain kind of blocked that voice. All she said was 'The point was not to kill you, but to make you wish you were dead, and once you're out of his life, I know he'll be chasing Amy for the rest of his life' Is she some sort of frustrated writer trying to make her fucking script a reality? I think it would be safe to assume that it was her. This lead me to an endless chase after that number. She wasn't stupid enough to leave messages like before. Now she waited till I picked up. I've been looking at my phone bills and surprise surprise the few dates that I remember her calling there's a line of zeroes on the number from the incoming call. How am I supposed to fight this? You're supposed to choose your battles wisely. Maybe this battle against her can't be won. How can it, when I gave her all the power? I even covered for her. I've kept quiet all this time. LAPD closed the case, assuming everything was fake thanks to the detectives calling from Long Beach. I never said that it was a lie, I said that I didn't want them bothering Robert cause I knew he wouldn't hurt me. He might feel like it, but he wouldn't act on it. I think this is hopeless the only thing I can do to claim my life back is to get this other thing with Robert over with. Ironically I was on my way to talk to the attorney today when I received her call; this scared me, yet it triggered an old anger. This old anger that I thought I'd tamed. I'm glad I held on, and that my sense of smell is still sharp enough to pick up the scent of hope, but I'm frightened of the journey ahead. I thought that being down and confessing would be the end of that journey. It isn't. It's the first test. There are many more to come and that frightens me. And when I am frightened, it triggers that anger. Currently, my test is if I will let my fear win over my desire to stay on course. My fear at my current situation as it appears to be, not as it is. I have to claim my life back, I can't be living in fear of running into him and have him think that I'm following him, or people seeing that little gleam of love for him and peg it as obsession. I should be free to feel whatever I feel without anyone thinking it wrong. I'm keeping my feelings inside anyway. I've thought about calling him or maybe even writing a letter asking to please let it go. But that guilt I feel from having hurt him, stops me. This constant shame, and even though I know that we all go a little crazy sometimes and I was vulnerable at the time and she used that to her advantage, I still don't think that it should be an excuse. Maybe I am being a little too hard on myself, but he doesn't deserve the pain that I caused him and that's why I feel like I do deserve to have lived through that 2 hour nightmare in Dec. Well, I know it's going to be quite a road back but I have to get there. As much as her call frightened me today, it also made me stronger and gave me a little courage. I was actually about to turn around and not go see the attorney. I thought 'What's the point? I should probably be in jail. As usual, I can't even find his office, so maybe that's a sign that I should just let them go ahead and charge me with whatever it is that they seem to think I should be charged with'. Fortunately she called and it made me realize that I shouldn't let her win and while she succeeded at making him hate me, she won't succeed at making me fear life itself. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 15,March,2003 | While reading the news, the funnies, this, that, and the other, I came across a very ...shall we say interesting? column. Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Newark, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time 'working girl' in a brothel. Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits. All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French? Thank God for an honest guy from a nice and wholesome family. :) Personally I think whoever wrote this was obviously pulling Abby's leg in reference to the whole 'Freedom Fries' thing. The whole thing is quite amusing. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 13,March,2003 | I received yet another call from the detective, this time she accuses me of sending a ticket to Robert for a basketball game back in Jan. She said that Robert called her and said that he thought he had won a ticket from a radio station, but once he saw me there he knew I had something to do with it. As she's telling me this and accusing me of sending a ticket and how he 'thought' he had won it from a radio station. I freaked out, realizing that I thought the same when I got them at work!!! I got a funny feeling but decided to ignore it and take Olivia and Mack to the game. I thought it was odd that a radio station would send three tickets as opposed to just two or four. She's telling me all this and my mind is going a mile a min and the only thing I could think of was to say that Olivia was the one who invited me. She had already warned me a month ago that they don't believe a word I say so how am I supposed to say 'well, I thought I got them from a radio station too' This was almost two months ago. I didn't have the envelope where they came or anything. When I told her I had gotten a ticket from my friend Olivia she said 'Yeah she gave you two and you sent one to Robert'. I told her that that wasn't true, and that I didn't even see Robert. She said 'Well he saw you walk in with SOME guy'. I told her 'Yes, that's my friend's boyfriend. She had to work late so him and I went early and she met us there.' She goes on to tell me that they don't believe that and the District Attorney says this is too much and it qualifies as stalking. She tells me that stalking is a big crime and I need help, that Robert is very mad and I need to leave him alone. Well I've left him alone for over three months and I don't plan on trying to contact him. I asked her about the restraining order and she tells me that I should expect that soon and that I should also expect a call from her soon. That a warrant for my arrest was going to be placed BUT she was going to TRY and have them just send me a letter with a court date to appear. (Oh how nice and considerate of her!!!) So if you're just going to assume things and take them as facts, why bother calling me? Court date for that restraining order was Jan 27.... here we are almost two months later...does it really take that long? 'Oh well, he went but the line was too long and he had to get to work' Call me stupid but if it was me and I was that scared of being stalked, I'm parking my ass in that office until I get the restraining order no matter what. I know I shouldn't have involved Olivia in this but it was the first thing that came to mind. I thought 'Ok, if they don't believe me, then they might believe her'. How the hell do I prove how I got the tickets? when I should have trusted that funny feeling and not go at all. It's ironic how I read somewhere that 'proof is useless if you don't have trust and unnecessary if you do'. I guess once again...I'm screwed! |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 11,March,2003 | Sometimes it's fun to shock people. Mona was telling me about how her daughter was asking her for advice about some guy but Mona was too busy to listen so she basically told her to go away and that they would talk later. Well, later was too late. Her daughter proceeded to tell her that she had already declined the guy's invitation to a movie. Mona went on to tell me and Carlos how teenagers are over dramatic these days, then she said that her daughter is even worse. She said that that's one of the reasons why women annoy her. She said that we can be whiny and needy, and sometimes we make problems seem bigger than they are. In other words, we drown in a glass of water. Growing up with two brothers who made her life miserable, she learned to stick up for herself and not be the typical girly girl. She learned to be a smart-ass. I'm not sure where my brain was but very matter of factly I blurted out 'I KNOW!! That's why I could never be a lesbian. I don't think I could stand living with another girl' Carlos was speechless and turned beet red. He then said, 'Well, that thought is going to stick with me until I go to bed tonight'.....I'm not sure what he meant by that, but it was a funny reaction. A lot of times I just say what's on my mind without very much thinking about it. I don't know if that's a good thing but that's just who I am. I'm not completely sure why Carlos reacted like that, considering that he's kind of becoming my flirt buddy. Just a few days ago, he went up to my desk and asked if I had a minute to help him because he need to look for something online. I asked him if he was looking for porn and he told me that he couldn't believe I had said that. I said 'What? Don't tell me you don't look at that'. He blushed and went back to his desk. Just for kicks I picked up the phone and called his extension to tell him that if he wanted I could tell him of a really good and free porn site....then I said 'No, I'm just kidding' He obviously didn't believe that I was kidding and went on to tell me that he knew 'my kind'. I said 'What kind is that?' He told me that it was the kind who's nice and innocent during the day and sexy naughty girl at night. He said I was really the kinky kind. Oh man!! flirting is fun. He wanted to confirm if that was true and I simply answered with a question. I said 'Isn't that the kind that most guys want?' He hung up and smiled at me from across the room. I tell you, it's us quiet ones that have more fun. It's that mystery that draws them in. ;) |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 08,March,2003 | I've been thinking of adopting a cat. As usual, I like to do some research before I jump into something. So while browsing the wonderful world of cyberspace, I found the most adorable cat. He's missing a leg cause the animal rescue couldn't do anything to save it when they found him. I think we're the perfect match. My life has changed A LOT and I feel like I've lost a limb or something....too bad humans aren't like those lizards that loose their tail and they just grow another one. I made the choice of giving away my heart and I didn't exactly get it back. I can't say that it was a mistake or that it was the wisest decision of my life. It simply was and my safe little romantic bubble got popped. I've been playing around with the theory that there are no mistakes in life. That life is simply full of choices and you just decide to do one thing or another and from there, the choice takes you to a different direction; not necessarily wrong or right, just different than. It's sad to think that there are still situations that don't give you much of a choice. For example that little cat, I'm sure it's not his fault that they couldn't save his leg and because of that, people will probably not want him. I told my parents I was going to get him and as soon as I mentioned the leg thing they disapproved of him. I even had a name already, I was going to name him Hopscotch. I also wonder if maybe there are mistakes and we get punished by having no choice as to our destiny. What if this little cat was actually meant to be a strong lion and was meant to freely roam the plains of Africa, feeling grass lick against his ankles and the hot sun on his back. To roam in pride around his peers and sleep in the shade under a big tree after a satisfying meal. To feel the wind through his majestic mane and breathe in the wealth of scents of Africa. To be a lion. To just be a lion. That's pretty much all I want, to be me, just to be me. To find the happy girl I used to be. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 04,March,2003 | Got an email from Kristi with the a list of 'Grew Up In The Eighties' items. For my own amusement and for history's sake, I'll put in bold the ones that qualify for me. 1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word 'PSYCHE'. (No way!) 2. You watched the Pound Puppies. (Can't remember) 3. You can sing the rap to the 'Fresh Prince of Belair' 4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish. (I was stylish!) 5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tired to start a club of your own. (Now this was lame) 6. You owned those little Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls. 7. You know that 'WOA' comes from Joey on Blossom. 8. Two words: M.C. Hammer 9. If you ever watched 'Fraggle Rock'. 10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars. 11. You can sing the entire theme song to 'Duck Tales'. 12. When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons. 13. You wore a pony tail on the side of your head. 14. You saw the original 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' on the big screen. 15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school. 16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side. 17. You played the game 'MASH' (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House) with friends at school. 18. You wore Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it. 19. L.A. Gear..... 20. You wanted to change your name to 'JEM' in Kindergarten. 21. You remember reading 'Tales of a fourth grade nothing' and all the Ramona books. 22. You know the profound meaning of 'WAX ON, WAX OFF' 23. You wanted to be a Goonie. 24. You ever wore, fluorescent, if you will, clothing. 25. You can remember what Micheal Jackson looked like before his nose fell off... 26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf. (Yeah! What was that about?) 27. You took Lunch Pales to school. 28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets. 29. You still get the urge to say 'NOT' after every sentence. 30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts. 31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favourite band. 32. You thought She-ra and He-Man should hook up. 33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged friendship bracelets. 34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes. 35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying 'I know what you are, but what am I?' 36. You remember 'I've fallen and I can't get up' 37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were in-line skates. 38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide. 39. You have ever played with a Skip-It. 40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds. 41. You've gone through this list occasionally saying This wasn't from the 80's!' 42. You remember Popples. (I loved that furry thing!!) 43. 'Don't worry, be happy' 44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks. 45. You wore socks scrunched down. 46. 'Miss MARY MARY MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK' 47. You remember boom boxes vs cd players. 48. You remember watching both 'Gremlins' movies. 49. You know what it meant to say 'Care Bear Stare!!' 50. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony Tales' 51. You thought Doogie Howser was hot. (He was!!! at the time, then my type changed to tall dark and handsome.) 52. You remember Alf, the little furry brown alien from Melmac. 53. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool. 54. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on 'Saved By the Bell', the ORIGINAL class. (Can't believe I'm now friends with one of the new members!) 55. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THRU THE HEART. PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS WHO GREW UP IN THE 1980s!!! ROCK ON!!! Memories I tell you, what would we do without them? |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 30,April,2003 | You know what I wanna know?....What happened to Roll? It was Rock and Roll and before you know it the Roll just kind of faded away. If you think about it there might be a whole lot of genres lost out there. There could be Alternative Roll, Pop Roll, Soft Roll, Hard Roll.....although given the choice, I'd rather have something to do with a Hard Roll than a Soft Roll ;) If you know what I mean. Next thing you know Hip Hop will only be Hip, and we'll forget about the Hop.....you'll see signs on milk cartons saying 'Have you seen Hop?' or 'Hope for Hop'........Gosh I crack me up. I can be easily amused. I'm sure when I was I kid people had no trouble entertaining me. Music has always done that, and I'm so easy to please that I really like almost a little bit of everything. My list of artist I admire is endless. I love 'The Beatles'! Funny how a lot of people thought that their name was really odd. Then there's 'The Who'....you know what we're missing 'The We' ....yep I should start a band called 'The We'....but ..yeah I don't know how to play any instrument. Bummer! I could play a mean triangle though. :) Lately Norah Jones has a special place in my heart. On a side note, I really should have been a dancer....I'm just so damn shy when it comes to it. I have this silly dream that one day I'll learn to Tango. Last week I went to my sister's show at school and it was amazing to see her dance. It's not just that she's my sister, but she's really good and that makes me wonder how good I'd be. Unless she got all the dancing genes then I'm screwed. On the bright side, I'm an AWESOME dancer when I'm sitting down ....driving....at night that is. Yesterday Brandon and I were rocking out while driving to In and Out. My little chipmunk rules! .....Speaking of rocking out...Jewel finally did it. She's rocking out with that 'Intuition' song. I love it, plus it has a little bit of Spanish-Feisty feel to it in the beginning. Years ago I wondered if she would ever do that....it's like she could've been singing 'I hate you asshole, I hope you die, you cheated on me with that bitch' yet with that soft spoken voice you would have never believed what she was saying. Like a week ago, I heard her on an interview and she said the coolest thing. They asked her how much influence the producers had on her music and she said very matter-of-factly 'Well, there's only one right way to do it, and it's my way'. She's cool! The way she said it was just so honest and laid back, that she didn't even seem like a controlling bitch, which is something that could be implied by the statement. I think most of my life I've been a lot like that, and I'm not saying that it's my way or the highway. I'm very open to compromise. It's simply saying that once I know what I want, I'm pretty stubborn, yet I can be tamed and persuaded as well. I'm kind of an oxymoron, although I'd like to think of it as a good balance. If that makes any sense......it does in my head. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 24,April,2003 | Last night I had the weirdest dream....well more like the same nightmare. The 'December Night' nightmare with that guy except this time after the whole thing is over, I run into Tina and I can't remember what we start to talk about but all I remember is telling her to please believe me and to talk to Robert to see if he'll believe her. She laughs at me, turns around and leaves saying 'Yeah sure, I'll tell him' in a very sarcastic way. I woke up crying again with a turmoil of emotions. Fear, anger, depression. Fear cause I still can't completely shake off that feeling of helplessness that I went through that night. Anger for being stupid enough to feel that someone has to believe me, since nobody seems to. I guess part of me wishes to hear him him say 'I forgive you' but I know I'll never hear those words. I also feel angrier because I let someone control me to the point where they placed everything how they wanted in order to make me look crazy, and as much as I want to close this chapter of my life people seem to keep dragging things. On top of everything, not only do I keep having the recurring nightmare but now I'm running into his friends. Tonight I covered the desk at the Studio because Carol couldn't work today so after work I rushed to the Studio and an hour later I'm talking to Olivia and catching up cause I had not talked to her in the past few days, when all of a sudden Olivia says 'Oh I know her, she's a dancer' I turn around and see Melissa walking pass the Studio toward the parking lot. I don't know if she saw me...and I really don't care. The last thing I need is for her to say that I was stalking her just like Tony did. This whole thing sucks, my best friend knows his friends. I told Olivia that she was friends with Robert and she said 'Oh..' then she added 'well I don't really talk to her I talk more to her girlfriend'. Last week I really wanted to go see Bradley at the Key Club for 'Choreographers Ball' and I avoided it because I thought that with my luck I might run into them. The Monday before last I ran into Tina at Target. I'm just going about my business and she walks in to return something with Sandy. Maybe I should just move out of the state. That should put some distance. .....then again why should I change my life? Sometimes enough is enough. I know I made the biggest mistake of my life but how long do you have to drag it? I remember going to Office Depot a while ago and Robert was there. So I walked out, I would have also walked out of that basketball game, had I seen him. I was a little upset to walk out of Office Depot...it's close to my house..so I thought to myself 'why can't he go to Staples or something closer to his house?' Yet, last time I checked, it's a free country and he's free to go wherever the hell he wants; just like me, but I feel like I have to accommodate my activities to avoid running into him. This week, I was going to get gas at the gas station on Hollywood Way and Magnolia cause it's cheap and I need to save money and he's there!!!! I don't know what this means, and because the detectives aren't doing anything and now we add my attorney not doing much either. I really don't know how much longer this whole thing will go on for. One of the few pieces of advice that I ever got from grandpa was never to trust a lawyer or a man. I made the mistake of doing both things. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 19,April,2003 | My grandma left this morning and for some reason I feel like I'll never see her again. It's an irrational feeling but I can't help it. Even though she didn't see it; while she was here, she was my anchor during very turbulent times. I did call her to check how she had arrived and to tell her how I felt. I still wish I would have told her face to face. This made me think about how there's so many things that we do not tell people. Letters we write that we never send. Cards we buy that we never give. So I've decided to write a few of those and even though I don't have the courage to send them yet. I'll keep them here or in a way put them out into the universe. Maybe some day I'll feel like printing them and giving them to their respective owners. But for now..... Dear Mom and Dad: I'm sorry I turned out to be the biggest disappointment to you guys. I'm sorry I'm not as smart or strong as you wish I'd be. Sorry for being so stubborn and getting in trouble because of it. Even though I'm not the most affectionate daughter, know that I love you more than anything...you're the only thing I have in this world. Dad, I'm sorry for not being the proverbial intelligent daughter with a Masters degree. Mom, I'm sorry for not being the innocent daughter who will get married in a church wearing white. I know you guys have never actually said 'I love you' but that's ok, even though it'd be nice to hear, I know you do in your own way. Dad...I know your little way of coming coming home after delivering the newspaper and bringing me that yummy chocolate muffin. I know you know it's my favorite and it's the best breakfast I can ask for. Mom....I know you little way of cooking my favorite meals on those days that you know I'm down, and even though you don't know that I hear you. I've heard you say you love me in the middle of the night when you think I'm fast asleep. More than anything mom, I'd like you to know that if I try to avoid talking about your health is not because I don't care, it's because I don't have the strength to talk about it. I'm weak and I can't imagine my world without you. Thank you for being the best parents a girl could ask for. Thanks for teaching me the meaning of a family and I could only wish to make one of my own just a little like the one we have. Even though you've been through very difficult times, you've managed to stay together. Dad...thanks for teaching me the importance of earning an honest living to provide for a family through hard work no matter how humble it is. Mom...thanks for teaching me the importance of forgiveness, you and I know that dad has hurt you many times and you've found it in your heart to love, forgive and go on. More than anything I want you both to know that I'm still a work in progress and one day I hope to be at least half of what you hope I'd turn out to be. Love, Your quirky stubborn daughter Katya. Dear Robert: I'm letting you go, so you're off the hook. I want to be happy and holding on to a dream of being with you hurts too much. More importantly I want you to be happy and being with me was never your idea of happiness. So I want you to know that no matter what happens, I'll always love you and I've learned that just being in love with you is enough for me. I want you to find that someone who will make you feel the way I feel for you. Someone whom at the end of day, no matter how your day goes, makes you want to go home to her and just be. Someone whose face you're glad to see every morning next to you. Someone who shares your dreams and supports you in reaching for them. Someone who understands your goofiness and your need for solitude at times. Someone who looks at that black blanket sky spotted with stars the way you do. Don't mistake being independent with being alone. An amazing person like you shouldn't be alone and being used to being alone does not necessarily mean it's the best thing for you. You need to share that wonderful soul with someone. I'm sorry that certain wrong choices that I made in an attempt to win you back, hurt you the way they did. Know that I'll have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life. I was taught that once you find love you should never let go of it, but I've learned that you should not chase after it either, nor push it away, just let it be. No matter how much I hurt you and how much you hate me, just let go of that and know that I'll be forever out of your life. If you don't let go of that, there won't be any space for that wonderful love that you deserve and that's waiting for you. Remember that line 'the only difference is to let love replace all our hate', you told me it was your favorite line of the song. With all my love, Katya Mia Vallerina: I just want you to know how proud I am of you. Every time we have one of those middle of the night deep conversations, you manage to amaze me. (Admit it...we've had good sisterly pillow talk) You're quite mature for a girl your age and extremely smart. I'm sorry that I mother you at times. I can't help it, I just want the best for you. If I bitch about your friends know that experience has taught me that you don't keep that many friends and even though grandpa was a bit cynical by teaching me that the only true friend you could ever have would be money on your pocket, I know that good friends do come around. You just have to be careful which ones you keep and which ones you let fall through the cracks. You know that even though I have a short fuse with you at times, I love you very much. Don't give up on your dream, and don't settle for anything just because you feel you have to take care for mom and dad when they get old. That's my job....I am the oldest after all. Just pray that we can have them for many many many years to come otherwise you're stuck with me kiddo. Don't worry so much about me...I know that you're the one who gets to see my frustrated/depressed/angry side while I drive and it's not fair so ...I'm sorry. More than anything, I know you think that I was judgmental when you finally talked to me about why you had sex with Daniel. While I do wish you would have talked to me before you did, I can't judge your decisions. I know you were being hard on yourself as it was, and I'm sorry that part of you regrets that decision because you know that you're still very young. Like I've told you before, I did it because I fell in love and followed my heart probably just like you, but unlike you I don't regret that decision at all. Thus it wouldn't be fair for me to judge you and put you down more than you already did. Learn not to let other people's problems affect you so much. We are all in the place we are because that's where we deserve to be. We build our own castle and we dig our own grave. Most of the problems your friends have are called adolescence and they'll grow out of it....you know that! You're a little more mature than some of them. Just keep being the bright girl you are and know that life has a lot of good things for you. Love, Your annoying sister Kod. PS Let me hold one of you....feed you a leaf :) Mio Enano: Hey munchkin...I just want to thank you for teaching me patience. You brighten up my world, just with your simple monkey hugs and smiles. You amaze me every day with your intelligence and I'm proud of the little gentleman you're turning out to be. If there's one thing I wish for you to learn more than anything in this life is to be a man of his word. To be honest and respect women. We're fragile creatures and although we can be strong and protective thanks to that motherly instinct, we still need a strong man by our side. I know we can also be needy, whiny individuals but just hang in there a little bit and it goes away. Thanks for all your drawings and the little rocks you find for me, they're amazingly cool. If you can, try not to ask me so much about my friend Robert and his kitties. He's gone now and we'll probably won't see him again. I know you thought he was a really cool guy, and every time you find that little 'Atlantis' truck and the 'Goofy' skateboard he gave you, it makes you think of him. I know you ask me the same question every time you see the previews for 'Atlantis' when you watch 'Lilo and Stitch'...'Katy remember how me and you and your friend Robert went to see that at the theater?....when are we going to go play with his kitties again?' I'm sorry to tell you this kiddo but sometimes people don't want to be your friends anymore. Thank you very very much for cuddling with me and playing with my hair at night so that I don't have bad dreams. Thanks for letting me borrow your bear to keep me company at night. Thank you for being my movie buddy, but most of all thank you for giving me a new perspective on life. Whenever you need someone know that, I will ALWAYS be there to help you and support you. When the world gets confusing, just come to me and chances are I've been through it already. Have dreams and follow them no matter what. If you want to go to the moon like you told me once and eat the cheese...go for it. Lots and lots of monkey hugs and love, Katy PS I know you'll grow up to be quite a handsome man, but please don't use that to your advantage when it comes to girls. Remember...only one at a time. Valerie likes to teach you big words, next time ask her about monogamy. Dear Frenchie: I just want to thank you for ALWAYS being there for me and for NEVER judging me. Thank you for understanding even my craziest decisions. Thank you for remembering those little things. THANK YOU VERY MUCH for your support when I needed a friend the most. Thanks for the wonderful times we've shared, the bickering and bitching about men and work! Thanks for trusting me and counting on me for anything. I'm sorry for bringing you down with my problems at times. I certainly don't want you to cry for days because you feel lilke you can't help me. Just by being there, you help a lot. You're very much like the older sister I never got to have. In this short amount of time, I think we've gotten to know and understand each other more than anything. I think we have a very special bond that I hope with time will grown stronger. I wish to be there when your dream comes true and I do hope to be part of it. Thanks for understanding when I want to be left alone and not talk and thanks for being there when I need someone to listen. Thanks for giving me energy and love when I'm running low and more than anything thanks for helping me remember that girl I used to be and giving me the courage to find her again. Thanks for keeping all my secrets safe and know that yours are safe with me too....even the silly ones like your 'little affair with 'Jack'' ;) Bisous, Katya |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 17,April,2003 | I HATE MY JOB. I can't stress that enough. This is what happens to Corporate America when it gets run by idiot and OLD executives. You get people so pissed off, that they purposely don't do their job. I'm sitting here writing on my journal instead of working (I am good at being bad though, no one is here that would really much care what I'm doing)..... why? because my boss is the biggest bitch I've ever met. She should be retired by now, instead she sits here giving me stupid orders, along with doing her personal errands. Hello??? I'm the Secretary of the Bank not her personal assistant. She has me going to the properties that she owns to check them and get them fixed in order to rent them. Well....I'm not a leasing agent. She has me paying her personal bills and checking all the loans that her family owes her...hello??? I'm not her bookkeeper either. A bookkeeper makes a hell of a lot more money than what I make. Then she has the nerve to come and ask if I was able to figure out how to charge for interest on the loans and all that. .....Yes bitch, I took a few accounting classes in college thank you very much. Yet I have to bite my lip and smile, that Oh so great fake/pretend to be genuine smile. And I really have no problem doing all those things, in fact I like the bookkeeping part. After all, she is paying me to do a job. The problem are her crazy expectations of me doing all those things on top of my assigned duties. She's really senile! The other day, she tells me to get the bill from an attorney from her basket and pay it. I looked and there was nothing there. I told her and she got all pissed off saying I couldn't do anything. Five minutes later she comes out and throws the bill on my desk saying 'Here, it was in my briefcase' I proceed to look at it, and it's for $4,950 which is money that she doesn't have in the one account that she tells me to write the checks from, second of all it's a bill for services that have to do with her other company, so why would she be paying it from one of her personal checking accounts? Anybody with a brain would know that the company should pay for it. First rule of business: Never mix business with personal matters. I go in there to ask if she's sure that I should pay for it from her personal account since it's business related, and if she does, where should I transfer money from since there isn't enough in her account. She looks at it, then gets even more pissed off. For some reason she realizes that I correct her in many mistakes that she would be making, and it pisses her off. Now I certainly don't act condescending or superior. Yet she expects people to bow down to her. Well I'm sorry but a working relationship goes both ways. I need the job as much as she needs me. There should be respect from both parties. I respect her, and I deserve the same. I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. I've heard her yell at the employees from her other company and it's not right the way she treats them. Mona actually admitted one day to me that I wouldn't last a day at her other company. She said, I was too proper, and in order to work with those people you have to go down to their level. She said they were uneducated Mexicans! that you have to treat with bad language and such. Hello? she's from Mexico too. No wonder the Cashier only lasted two weeks. I thought it was just gossip when I heard that Mrs. B had yelled at him and asked him 'What country of idiots he was from?'. I couldn't believe it, but now I do. The poor guy was Asian, in a predominantly Latin Bank I'm sure the court would see it as discrimination. I miss the little peanuts that I worked with before. Those little tykes made my day everyday. If only it had been full time. Most of all I hate what this is turning me into. Homer Simpson said it best, 'You go to work everyday, and you don't enjoy it, you don't like it, you do it half-ass. That's the American way!!!'. The problem is that I'm stuck there because I'm in debt and If I want to get the hell out of my house and finally be independent, I'd like to at least be out of debt. I can't trust a stranger to be my roommate, so I need to be alone. Fortunately I'm a good bookkeeper so if everything goes well I should probably be able to move out in August. If my plans don't fall apart. I've already handled seven months with that bitch, I'm sure I can handle another five to make it at least a year so that it doesn't look completely bad on my resume.......there are also other issues regarding my looking for another job and being stuck here, but I've decided to ignore them and maybe they'll go away.....(talk about being mature!). Seriously, there's not much I can really do about the aforementioned issues I've already tried and certain laws just won't give in. I'm way surprised, I'm even working here. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 15,April,2003 | Now that Adriana is having lunch with me everyday, I started thinking about how this is what keeps me from becoming a vegetarian. She makes me go to all these places where the menu consists mostly of meat. The trade-off is that I'm no longer having lunch with my book. I started to avoid meat a couple years ago, but the fact is, when I've gone without meat for a long time, and then get a taste of it again, it's the Best Damn Thing I've Ever Had. Animal lusts are satisfied, my blood flows with power; let all challengers beware, I am a tower of strength not to be toyed with. Alternately, substitute 'masturbation' for 'meat' and 'keeping my hands out of my pants' for 'becoming a vegetarian' in the above and it also manages to express my thoughts pretty well. On a side note, I recently heard that dildos are illegal in Alabama....well there's one state I won't be moving to. I tell you, it's those damn republicans that want women to be waiting for their dicks! Penis envy my ass!! According to Ralph, one of the many genital piercings is called 'The Albert' named after none other than Prince Albert. It involves a bolt thought the cock, attached to a chain which goes around the thigh in order to keep the penis hanging and close to the thigh. The reason why they did that was to give the illusion of having no penis when wearing tights. So stop me if I'm wrong but shouldn't that qualify as vagina envy? I'll tell you something...both extremes are ridiculous. We shouldn't envy each other, nor should we try to act like we're the same. Feminism is quite ridiculous, it's pretentious bull shit. We can't be super mom. When will those women learn, you can't have your cake and eat it too. Men and women are not equal, we are different and that's a good thing. That does not mean that one is better than the other, it simply means that we complement each other. We're concave and convex, we fit together, like the ying and the yang. Don't get me wrong, by this I don't mean that homosexuality is wrong. I really don't care. Whatever floats your boat. Personally I love men! I'm not sure why I got so impassioned by the dildo topic because frankly, I don't own one and even though the thought has crossed my mind...I'm still wondering if it's worth it. But if those women in Alabama want to get one and go at it, why shouldn't they be allowed to? |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 04,April,2003 | I can't believe people at work can be so dumb. I started my day being put in the middle of a stupid fight over a coffee pot!!! We're having a Loan and Discount meeting. I'm supposed to make coffee for the directors and the only coffee pot that we have is one that Norma just brought today. It's HER pot and Crissy and Maria start telling me how I shouldn't use it for the meeting because it 'belongs' to the employees, not the directors. Excuse me?...last time I checked it was Norma's. She brought it for everyone to use. I needed to make coffee for the directors ...but mostly for the Big 'B'. Crissy proceeds to tell me 'you guys are screwed, because they haven't bought a coffee pot cause it's too expensive'. Hello!!! I'm not screwed, I don't even drink coffee at work. If I drink at all it's while on my way to work. Mona then bitches to me about not making coffee. I tell her what Crissy had told me and she tells me that I should tell Maria about it. Funny...but in case you haven't noticed I'm ahead of the game. I tell her that I did do that and Maria replied with a question asking me what I would feel like if I brought a coffee pot from home and then came down for a break to find that there's no coffee. Jeez!! would it kill them to let me use the stupid thing? The pot was empty ANYWAY, everyone had already had coffee. If I would have taken a pot full of coffee that they had made ....then I would understand. This just goes to prove how coffee makes people CRAZY! I'm sticking to hot chocolate. As far as I'm concerned, there are bigger problems in the world then who donated a coffee pot for the office. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 03,April,2003 | I got my 49ers newsletter today and it turns out that they're playing against the Bears on Sept. 7. I couldn't have planned my vacations any better!! Aug. 25 through Sept. 7. However, Sept. 8 is Labor day so the Bank is closed!! I've decided to use my savings to take a trip up North and see the Niners beat the crap out of the Bears...they just HAVE to. It's going to be a great birthday present if they do. My birthday plans in the past have usually gone down the drain most of the time except once when I didn't plan anything, [the surprise was really nice :) ] but this time I really want to do this. I missed the opportunity to get good tickets for Norah Jones and now with all the money that I owe because of the stupid lawyer, I can't afford to go see Swan Lake at the Kodak Theater in May. I'm missing the Russian Ballet once more. Oh well, it's only April..by Sept. I should be out of debt and able to afford a weekend trip to San Francisco. I might just take the train and enjoy the view. If I can have good old dad arrange for me to have a single in one of the properties up there, I'll save in hotel expenses. I don't think Valerie will want to go with me since it's basically for football reasons. Well, if it's just me, I'll just have the place to myself so I can walk around naked all day and figure what the big deal is. It might be nippy weather by then though. Oh well....I'll see what happens. I could also get a stripper to get some eye candy....hmm ...I wonder if I'll get some for my birthday....I doubt it. Sex and sports ....man! What happened to the girly girl side of me? It grew up and got a little jaded. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 29,May,2003 | Why am I so stupid? I just fell in the trap of winning a vacation to Florida. What the hell is wrong with me? Nothing .... I could simply use a vacation. I want to go to Hawaii though not stupid Florida. Why did I agree to that? Now I have to call and cancel when I get all the junk that they're going to send. How the heck did they get my checking account information though? This totally sucks...now that I think about it, this thing sounds a little fishy. Oh well maybe I'm just overreacting. I think I'm just going to cancel anyway. If I'm going anywhere soon is back to Mexico. My mom is not getting any better and yesterday at the doctor they said she'll need another MRI but of her brain this time. It's just not normal to have really bad headaches, get dizzy and loose balance all the time. Her arms and legs keep getting numb and tingly all the time. I'm no doctor but this is not normal. How can they be so stupid to say that everything is normal? No wonder they call it practicing medicine. I'm glad I didn't become a doctor...I'd be useless. Kind of funny how I actually got accepted to UC Riverside for Pre-Med. With my legal status it was useless anyway. Oh well, everything happens for a reason. I just know there's no way I'm going to freaking Florida. Sounds too good to be true anyway. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 28,May,2003 | WOW!!! I can't believe this. I just finished talking to Carl and he told me that he's going to take me to see the Moscow Stanislavsky Ballet this weekend. I asked him why and he said that I need to go out, live, and enjoy the finer things in life. While I appreciate that, I could very well just enjoy laying under the shade of a tree. Plus he also noticed that at Kara's show the only moment that I didn't even blink and paid close attention to, was when this little ballerina came out during one of the songs that the kids sang. This is definitely not a good thing. This is not supposed to happen. He noticed a little thing. I told him that he shouldn't spend that kind of money on me. He said it was his money and he was going to get the tickets no matter what, if I decided not to go and waste a ticket than it was my problem. He said tomorrow after his interview he was going to go and check if they still had tickets and even if they didn't he could still make some calls and get them because MANN Theaters owns Hollywood & Highland and he knows people there. Just a month ago I was complaining about not being able to go see Swan Lake. I remember being six years old and wanting to see that. My aunt promised to take me but the day of the show it rained and since it was an open air theater, it got cancelled. Ever since then, I've wanted to see that. I feel like a bitch. He shouldn't be this nice with me, he says he's tough and is not expecting anything but it doesn't exactly feel like that. Maybe I'm just too jaded and don't believe that good things can happen to me. I'm also starting to think that after Robert, I started to unconsciously build a wall. I feel better off not letting anyone in. I let Robert in and it still hurts like a bitch. Overall, I still can't believe that he was able to notice that. At Kara's show the little ballerina just amazed me. Sometimes I think that I was one in another lifetime. Heck there must be a reason why my best friend is one. I'm too old to pursue that dream now. I'll just enjoy going to watch it. It's weird how I can enjoy and love something cultural like the ballet, yet get happy and exited with football and sports. Carl says the world needs more sexy/goofy/geeky/girly/sporty girls like me. :) It's also sad to know that Carl has only known me for about three weeks and we've only hung out a few times yet he seems to have a pretty good idea of who I am. Robert on the other hand couldn't believe that I was at a basketball game because he thinks I don't like basketball. He spent six months with me and it seems that the only description he would have of me is that I'm a girly girl. This is what makes me wonder..what if he could just take the time to know me....would he forgive me and give us another chance? It would be a miracle, and while I do believe in miracles....I don't know that I deserve this one. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 26,May,2003 | I've been talking to Carl everyday since our date. He calls at least twice a day. The day after the date we were on the phone for about four hours till midnight!! We share the same love for San Francisco and we quote movie lines all the time, he's better than me since he seems to be a human library of movies. Yesterday was the same thing. I made the mistake of flirting at one point when we started talking about the niners and how they're playing the day after my birthday. I told him that I wish I could go see them play and it would be the perfect weekend. My birthday is on Saturday, they play on Sunday, and Monday's a holiday!! That lead into me telling him that in high school I almost became a cheerleader but chickened out at the audition. He said it was a shame because if I had been one then there would be pictures somewhere. As usual..I tend to talk out of my ass and blurted out 'Well I don't have to be a cheerleader to wear a cheerleading outfit'...I swear I didn't mean it like it sounded. But apparently he took it like that and called me a flirt. The next day he informed me that he actually went out to buy 'Bring It On' because of the cheerleaders. I didn't believe him and told him that it was a little past midnight when we got off the phone, yet he told me that Virgin closed at 1 am in Hollywood. I'm thinking I should get a percentage of that sale since I was the inspiration for it. :) My next stupid comment was to tell him that I've been wanting to go to a drive in. I explained that I just wanted to go because I have really good memories from going there with my dad when I was very little. One thing led to another and it seemed like I had suggested sex at the Drive In. Then he said 'Well I don't expect that, but I wouldn't refuse it'. I had to clear everything and told him that 'It was not an invitation, it was simply a request for information'. A quote I remember from 'Circle of Friends'. He said he didn't know anyone who would be able to quote that movie. Anyway, this whole thing is making me feel really guilty. I can't lie, I love the attention but I don't want to hurt him. I mean I have no idea why but he even told me that on Sunday when he picked me up and I went out into the balcony to throw him the keys to get in he thought 'Wow'. He said it looked really sexy. Well to me it was messy and I still needed to dry it. Wow!! and I was just wearing a turtle neck shirt. Guilt is quite a strong feeling, so I had to tell him that I don't want him to get any ideas. He told me that flirting was fun and I should enjoy the attention. When I told him that I didn't want to hurt him because I know the feeling and it's not fair..if you're not ready for a relationship you shouldn't lead people on. He said that he liked me and if something romantic happened great if not he was fine with that too. He said that I was quite the interesting girl, which is the reason why he wants to hang out and get to know me better. I had no idea but apparently Nanci had talked about me for the longest time before we met. The first time I saw him at the studio was because Nanci asked him to take Kelly to class and to take Kara along. She specifically told Kara to make sure to introduce Carl to me. A nine year old doesn't lie so she eventually fessed up to Carl. Nancy trying to play matchmaker....classic. He said that the first time he saw me, he thought I was mute....lol. Then he noticed that I had spend the whole hour of dance class talking outside to some girl....so it hit me that it had been the night that I was talking to Olivia about the whole 'being accused of sending a basketball ticket to Robert' thing. Overall, I'm glad he understands that I'm not ready and I don't want a relationship. I'm confused and I need closure with Robert before I can move on. On top of that I don't know that I can really trust men afte 'December'. Part of me still misses Robert but the day that hell freezes over will be the day that he comes back to me. I've learned to accept that, but as long as they keep me in this purgatory...I can't move on. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 26,May,2003 | I think I'm back in the dating deal....I'm not sure that I want to though. I went out with Carl yesterday and it was the longest date I've ever had. I can't believe we hung out for eleven hours!! When he called me on Sat. to ask me to the movies, he said he would call me on Sun. around noon. I figured that he would call around that time and see where and when we would meet. To my surprise he called right on time except he was already on his way here!! I had just gotten out of the shower, so when he came I still had to dry my hair and stuff so he had to wait for me. Funny how at the end of the night he hugged me, smelled my hair and told me that it had been worth the wait. We went to see 'Bruce Almighty' and it was really fun. Except for this one scene when his girlfriend is crying and praying to God to make her not love him anymore because she's too weak and it hurts to love him. I have to say that it hit a nerve. The movie was cool and then meeting his friends was awesome. Jason and his fiance are cool. Alex was quiet and reserved but equally cool. (The pot calling the kettle black!) They seem like a really nice balanced group of people. We talked from serious stuff like the death penalty to goofy stupid stuff like this cartoon called 'Family Guy', to even sex laws in Alabama and California. They are very intelligent people, yet they can act goofy and have fun. Jason was actually the first person I've heard saying that Hitler was a genius. It's something that I've thought about, yet felt stupid for thinking it. When he said that he almost got kicked out of school for saying that, I told him that I thought the same thing because you have to be a genius to be able to get thousands of people to think like you do. Genius doesn't necessarily mean being good, you can use that either way. He obviously didn't use it right, but the man was a genius and more than anything a great orator. Jason said that's exactly what he had told the teacher and they called him a racist. I bet if I would have told them, then they would have no argument, cause I'm a minority....even though in California seems to be the majority.....ironic. So after hanging out with his friends and their cat, we came back home and just when I thought it would be 'Good night. I had a great time. Thank you'.....we still talked some more. Carl informed me that his friends must really like me since during the evening they invited me to three things that they're planning in the near future. They invited me to see 'The Producers', 'Freddy vs Jason', and 'Finding Nemo'. I think that's a good balanced summer. :) I was scared of the end of the date and certain expectations that he might have, but fortunately I've been completely honest. He knows the whole Robert deal and he seems to be quite understandable about it. In fact he gave me some new insight into it. He basically thinks that Robert is weak to admit what he's feeling, so he wants to keep me as a back up. The question is whether I'm going to let myself be that back up. For someone to have broken up with a girl in Nov. 2001...come August 2002 and say 'Give me time'. He's not sure of what he wants and now all he's doing is letting the Long Beach Police make his decision for him. The sad part is that given the option, I probably would be that back up girl in a second. I told Carl about the 'Rosie's house' incident, the 'Driving lessons' incident, and the 'A Beautiful Mind' incident. He told me 'See, that's why I don't look at my ex in the eyes when I have to talk to her or get anywhere near her. Because I love her, therefore I know something will happen if I look her in the eyes, and because I'm weak...I just don't put myself in that situation.' However, Robert and I were in that situation and at this point something's gotta give. It was really nice hanging out with him. Intellectually, we get along great; but my feelings are a mess. It was weird to be shaking a little when he was hugging me and smelling my hair, but I think I was just nervous about being close to him and the probability of a goodnight kiss. But he was a gentleman and didn't try. No matter what happens, I hope I gain a good friend from this. He's honest, funny, and intelligent...what else could I ask from a friend?.....and he's got friends who can get him tickets for the House of Blues if Norah Jones decides to stop by there at some point during this tour.....FYI: that last Norah Jones comment was just my ego talking...even without the connections he's still a pretty cool guy. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 22,May,2003 | I went to see Kara's choir show yesterday and saw Carl again. Turns out that he's not 36, but 34. It sounds more reasonable. Nancy asked me about the attorney and I gave her the update, so Carl inquired as to what we were talking about. I gave him the cliff notes of the story and he laughed when I told him that they're accusing me of stalking. He said he didn't know me that well but just from the last time when we met and looking at me, he could tell that I did not fit the profile of a stalker. He said that those people are wired differently and it takes a LOT of time and energy to do that, yet I looked very calm and laid back. THANK YOU for the first time someone described me as laid back...Cool! Finally projecting who I really am. We spent most of the evening talking about music, TV, even a bit about politics. David, Nancy and Kelly would jump in the conversation at times but it was really nice to talk to him. He told me that he didn't believe that I was only 24, he said I seemed a lot more mature for my age and that it was nice to talk to someone intelligent for a change. He said that the last 24 year-old he talked to was a disaster. He asked her what she thought of organized religion and she said 'Oh I don't follow sports'. Did she have a brain? He told me that she's actually going to UCLA. Please God...tell me where education is going these days. I told him how I read an article that talked about the tuition cost of an ivy league university and how they're not worth it, and it simply gives you a 'Social Status'. Supposedly they get back their investment in future wages, but when comparing the salaries of graduates that went to Harvard, Yale, etc. and graduates who were accepted to those schools yet decided to go somewhere else; their salaries were in the same range. Like they say: Good credentials don't necessarily make good people. FYI: I still have a silly dream of my kid(s) going to Stanford. I remember being only 15 years old when I went to San Francisco for the first time and my uncle took us to visit Stanford. It was amazing! I loved the school, the environment, everything. The library full of knowledge to be discovered. I hoped to go there some day, that day never came. I know I won't force my kids to study a certain field or go to Stanford. I'm going to let them choose their own path but I'd like to be able to give them the option. Anyway, Nanci being the protective loving friend that she is, told Carl the highlight of the story which is my infamous 'December Nightmare'. He told me that he had a friend who works at catching hackers and he would ask him if there's something we can do. He got pretty mad and said that this won't stay like it is. I told him that it was fine and all I really want is put an end to it and get it over with. It's pointless to go after her. He said that it wasn't and it was time for someone to do something, because someone in Long Beach is abusing their power. He asked if I still had feelings for Robert and I just shrugged. He gave me the 'I can't believe it!' look. It's ironic how his friend the 'computer guy' is named Jason. Anyway, after Kara's show, we went to get coffee and after a while, it seemed as if Carl and I didn't even notice that we weren't alone and Nanci asked if they should leave us there. It was nice to talk to Carl and he said he wanted to hear the whole story because it wasn't fair that Robert was letting this happen. I told him that he hadn't hurt me and it wasn't his fault that all this happened, in fact I dug my own grave by helping her. Carl said that in some way he was hurting me and he would not stand for a woman being hurt. He said that his mom always told him that he had a Lancelot complex...that he always wanted to be someone's knight in shining armor. I smiled and he gave me a hug. It was a good hug then I smelled him and it was a nice calming scent. The funny moment of the night was how Nanci very subtly suggested that he we exchange numbers. We did so hopefully we'll talk soon. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 19,May,2003 | Finally my attorney returns my call today after a week and half...probably cause he received a call from the detective. He tells me that she called to tell him that she really likes me and they want to get this over with but that now Robert's been getting emails from someone out of State so they want to know if I've been out of State. He proceeds to tell me that I should probably call her and talk to her. HELLO???!!!! What the hell am I paying you for? I don't want to talk to anyone anymore I'm sick and tired of this shit. I've lost everything that ever meant something to me...my mother is slowly dying...I can't do shit about it. All I want is for this to be over so I can get the hell out of here and far away, even if it means going to the place I've never wanted to be in. I'm hoping it's not that bitch again. What the hell could she possibly want? After all she did, she should know that they're after my ass not hers. Why can't she just take her ivy league education, money, and joy from being successful at screwing up my life and leave me the hell alone? Hopefully distance will take him out of my heart, I know time hasn't. I'm beginning to understand him. If what I feel is what he felt for Sarah or Julia or whoever...I can kind of see why he never opened up to me. Sad thing is I'm kind of dumping the baby with the bath water as they say. I'm leaving my friends and family behind. If I weren't so damn responsible I would have probably left by now. I have nothing to hold me here anymore. My job search is hopeless. I wish I could get my job back at the studio. Being there yesterday was awesome. Seeing everyone again and asking if I was coming back felt good. More than one person informed me that things were not the same without me. They all complain about Carol ....someone actually told me that she must have an IQ of 10....ironic how some people made me feel like anyone with an IQ of 10 could do that job....apparently not! I see that all the things I did, are now being done by four or five different people. Olivia says she wants me back and Vince the Karate teacher doesn't like Carol at all! Unfortunately Rosie doesn't seem to want to get rid of Carol. She knows she's not doing a good job, yet she's not doing much about it. Things are completely disorganized, I'm now helping with things that should have been done a long time ago....it's ridiculous. Not to sound like a conceited bitch, but I AM GOOD at what I do and I know how to run that place backwards and forwards. I did all the bookkeeping and now Rosie is paying someone else to do it. I wonder why people don't really see my qualities and potential...it's funny how the attorney told me that the detective really liked me. When she talked to me the first time she was surprised to know that I was the Secretary to the CEO and CFO of the bank...she assumed that I was a teller. Yeah....how could little insignificant me be a Secretary to an executive? In a way this is a good thing...it makes me work harder at showing people what I'm capable of doing. I couldn't believe that after working for 11 hours straight yesterday, I wasn't even tired. After four hours at the bank I was exhausted with my head pounding and my back killing me. My mom arrived to drop off my sister for her picture around 7:00 and she said she expected me to look tired and instead I looked happy! I was...if only for a while. It helps in giving me hope. So back to my original thought. If it's this bitch that is emailing him, then...nah..it would be a miracle if she admitted what she did. That rules out my suspicion of her being in California. She did mentioned an internship in Berkley, but she also mentioned Florida and leaving the country altogether...oh who am I kidding? It's obvious that she wanted me to think that she was in one place when she really wasn't. Then again...mommy and daddy probably have the money to send her wherever the hell she wants. Well I guess I'm going to talk to my attorney and the detective again soon. He wants me to take any receipts I have or bills that I've paid to show that I haven't left the state. Just for kicks I should buy a dildo and take that receipt....lol...even in the worst of times I still manage to find the time to be a smart ass. I only want to make someone smile. :) |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 16,May,2003 | Just once I want a guy to look at me as if I was all he was seeing. I want a guy to peer into my soul as if he was searching for a way to join his soul with mine. I want a guy to make me feel as if I was really placed on this earth for someone else; to be a part of another human being totally; heart, mind, and soul. I want a guy to miss me when I'm not around and to love me like I've never been loved. I want him to take me in his arms and make me feel as if that's where I belong and he will never let me go; that he never wanted to let me go. I want his face to light up when he looks at me and his smile to reach his eyes, a smile that I put there just by entering the room and being me. I want a guy to make me feel cherished and wanted (not needed) a guy I feel the exact same way about. When will I find him and does this guy exist? more importantly....why do I feel so selfish for having these thoughts? I've always thought I liked simple things. For example, I recently picked up a book to read..'A Separate Peace' by John Knowles....mind you I have no idea what it's about and the only reason why I picked it up was because of the cover. A leaf floating on the river. My favorite colors green and blue. Simple yet amazing image...in my opinion. My sister says I like simple things and it's an admirable trait. Yet for some reason my life became completely complicated. Don't get me wrong, I can't complain about my problems; it wouldn't be living if we didn't have challenges, and at the end they can only make us stronger. However, I feel like I keep loosing this battle and the worst thing is that I didn't want to be in it in the first place. It's not that I'm a whimp, but I just don't like arguing and fighting. I'm not good at it. It's just not in me. Why waste precious time fighting, when life is so damn short as it is? I guess another reason why I'm giving up hope on this problem is because I've already lost what I thought I would gain and there's no way of getting it back. The tables are against me and all I want at this point is to have a little forgiveness and peace. This situation has made me loose the trust of the most important people in my life. They say they trust me....yet somehow, I just don't feel it. They question every little move I make...I can't live like this...it's just not living. I'm being more open and honest than I've ever been, yet it's not enough and now I come to find out that it only makes my mother worry even more about me. None the less I still have this little dream of love....it's what gives me hope. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 15,May,2003 | While browsing through this little poetry site that I like, I found this, and it made me realize that it's time to put things in perspective. The Road Not Taken Two roads diverged in a yellow wood And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept that first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads onto way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence; Two roads diverged in a wood, and I.... I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. [Robert Frost 1916] Losing my job has made me think that I'm the odd one in the family. My dad finally has his work permit thanks to Brandon. Brandon is obviously the little California-Boy. My mom doesn't really need anything since she doesn't work, and my sister plans on marrying Daniel when the time comes for things to get tough. I have nothing but an offer from my friend to go to Hawaii where gay marriages are legal and marry her. I can't pull off being a lesbian and I can't live a lie. The reason why I lost my job was because they got a letter from the Social Security Office. So according to papers and laws this is not my home. It's amazing how to them I need to be in the place where I was born not where I grew up and made my home. It's frustrating to see other people who were born here, bitch and complain about the country to the point of even wanting to go back to their parent's homeland. To me a home is not the place where you were randomly born. It's the place that comforts you and sees you grow. This is my world, this is all I know. My childhood, my adolescence, my everything. Going back to Mexico would be like starting a whole new life in the unknown and that is the scariest thing. While I love the food, I don't understand the culture and customs, nor do I agree with them. Everything..from politics to religion...to things as simple as music. With the Sept. 11 tragedy things have gotten even worse. Funny how I speak the language and I have no problem reading it or writing it, yet I can't really express myself as well as I can in English. This world is like paradise to me. I have the beach, the desert, the mountains, everything within arms reach. Maybe I don't deserve this and the dream had to be over at some point. I never thought that a simple dream of having a little house, leading a simple honest life, and being a positive contribution to society was too much to ask. I can't drag my family down with me, so it might be time for me to pack and go. Not even the Immigration Lawyer that's working my dad's case is willing to help. He says I should just wait and wait. Feels like I've been doing that forever. I talked to Mack today and he told me that I should't give up. Him and Olivia are in the same place. Luckily Rosie needs help right now with the recital being around the corner so she's giving me a few hours of work. She's not very happy with Carol because she's quite an unorganized ditz. Today while waiting for Val's class to finish she just left to go get coffe and took 45min!!! You can't leave the studio unattended like that. It's irresponsible and unprofessional. At least these couple hours that Rosie is giving me will help my debt a little. I've figured that if I sell my car, it'll bring me even and out of debt. I would only need to save some money for my ticket and have enough to last me until I find a job over there. My aunt could probably help me, but it would be coming to a group of strangers. Unfortunately I also need to see that thing with Robert over with. I can't exactly just take off and have them think that I'm running away from responsibility. Funny how Mack was able to give me a little hope and said that I can't just give up this easily. He gave me a good comforting hug. :) He said I can't leave until I get to see Norah Jones sing and until Olivia puts up the dance school. Yeah...with my great economic life, I couldn't get a ticket to see her. Either way, a new journey begins..... |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 10,May,2003 | I look in the mirror and I don't recognize the reflection that it gives. Like Olivia asked me the other day, 'What happened to the girl I met two and half years ago? The girl full of LIFE and DREAMS. The quiet girl who no matter how bad her day had been still managed to smile and have hope. The girl who was always willing to lend a hand, and hoped to make a difference in the world no matter how small' I'm in a purgatory between the past and the future. I'm frustrated because I know that I'm meant to be somewhere and just haven't found it. I want to get there. I want to be alive again. I don't want to waste anymore precious moments. And they are precious. All of them. Even the ones in purgatory. I want to find the old me, the girl with a quiet force that forges paths and leads life with strength, honesty, pride, and loyalty. Loyalty to myself that I'll never allow myself to be pinned down and controlled by depression and fear as badly as I did before. That I must trust my instincts and embrace them. To protect myself when I need to and to step outside every day to face life, especially in times of adversity. My hopeless romantic side has now a dash of cynicism. It's sad to learn that with every bit of knowledge that we acquire we loose a little bit of innocence. All that happened to me in the last two years has been quite the rollercoaster. I just want my life back. We went to the park today and for the first time in a really long time. I got on the swing and realized how these simple things are what make me happy. To feel that fresh air filling up my lungs as I swinged back and forth. It made me realize that there's still a little piece of ember glowing inside my tummy, waiting to be ignited again. To burn again and find that fire of life inside me. I took a long walk and found these beautiful flowers, I'm not sure what they're called but they literally look like stars. They're blue and purple-ish, I think my favorite flower has changed from tulips to whatever this one is. I miss nature and the beauty that it offers. I miss the life I had when things were a lot more simple. I've finally been able to describe what happened to me last Dec. and I think of it as molting before the next stage of my life. I won't lie though. It hurts. After a creature molts is when it's at its most vulnerable. However, I needed to go through that otherwise I wouldn't be able to appreciate the life I want and had at some point. The simple life where I can just be me. I look around my room and see that unfinished painting that I abandoned and that's still waiting for me. I wanna go back to that. I know it's a little nutty but I think God speaks to me through music. We were on our way back from the park and this song came on with the following lyrics: Don't be afraid to be weak Don't be too proud to be strong Just look into your heart my friend That will be the return to yourself The return to innocence. If you want, then start to laugh If you must, then start to cry Be yourself don't hide Just believe in destiny. Don't care what people say Just follow your own way Don't give up and use the chance To return to innocence. Hopefully I can return, this time being a better person and appreciating a lot more what I had. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 07,May,2003 | I had dinner with the Schwartz' tonight for the second day in a row. Nancy convinced me to come and meet their friend Carl....in other words, she was trying to set me up with him. I think I can manage to get a date....thank you very much. I just choose not to. However, she dangled the bait...and I fell for it. I have to admit I did put on some of my nice perfume and a nice flattering shirt with jeans. She didn't really have a good opening description of the guy since she started with the age and the fact that he's black. I'm thinking 36 year old, divorced, black man?....somehow...I don't see it. She then proceeds to tell me 'but he acts like a seventeen year old'.....(and that's supposed to be a good thing?). Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against black men, I'm just normaly not attracted to them. The only one that I would actually consider dating is Bradley. (Believe me I've had a few sexy dreams about him...unfortunately he's married) However, I figured that an extra friend couldn't hurt me. Turns out that he's a writer, which is awesome, who recently got a deal for a comic book with a publishing company back east. I asked him about it and he started telling me that the main character was this really cool girl, I teased him and said that I hope it wasn't anything like 'Striperella' (don't ask! I think that comic is the most ridiculous idea). Anyway, I discovered that he's very energetic and passionate about movies and TV shows. I felt really lame because it's been a long time since I've watched a show on a regular basis, and the last movie that I watched was Piglet's Big Movie with none other than my movie buddy (Brandini). On the bright side, because he's such a sci-fi geek and such; he recently went to a comic book convention where they had all this stuff about 'Buffy' and 'Angel' etc., so I asked him if he owned all of 'Buffy's' seasons. He said he did, which is a really cool thing because I told him that I was looking for that episode where Jason Behr was a guest star. He's going to let me borrow it. Which now that I think about it...is kind of pointless considering the fact that I got rid of all my tapes of Jason stuff in the lame attempt of simplifying my life..or more accurately putting my feet on the ground and letting go of my little fantasy bubble. That lead into me being a 'Roswell' geek and he informed me that the DVD's for all three seasons of Roswell are coming out soon. Yay!! I was about to ask him about 'The Pretender' but I stopped myself. Well...as Nancy was serving dinner, Kara took out all the tomatoes in Carl's salad. I noticed that and he told me that he couldn't stand tomatoes. His reasoning is kind of funny. He says that tomatoes look like they're in some sort of larvae state, like they're waiting to become something else. So I asked him if he liked ketchup and he said he had no problem with ketchup. I told him that he sounded just like my sister. She claims not to like potatoes, yet she'll eat french fries. I guess we all have some sort of irrational reasoning for certain things. In my case, I have no problem with dildos but strap ons just make me sick. It makes me think of a woman wanting to be a guy. I know it's irrational but that's just me. I was talking to my sister about it the other day and she said that she didn't see what the difference was and actually thought that strap ons were a lot more practical because your hands wouldn't get tired!! I'm sorry but sex shouldn't be thought of as a duty...unless you're a hooker. I did make the mistake of telling Robert once that he only liked me on top because I had to do all the work and he got to just lay there. I know....a moment of stupidity. But really...I never thought of it as a duty. Anyway, back to Carl. My brain has a weird way of making connections and when he told me that he didn't like tomatoes, I took it as a sign that we couldn't be a couple. The reasoning behind it is this. One of my favorite love stories is of little Laura's parents. Long story short (If I can..): When they met she thought that he was just a plumber, he had the biggest crush on her for about a year and a half and he knew that he was going to marry her the day that they met. Everyone knew except her. He was actually the owner of the company and he didn't actually go to people's houses himself but whenever she would refer a friend of hers, he would go. He finally gets the guts to ask her out for dinner, and she's thinking that it's a 'thanks for the referrals' dinner. Days before this dinner she's talking to Gene Kelly and quitting her job with him because she's sick of the Hollywood lifestyle and all she wants is a simple life, with simple folk who are happy simply because their tomatoes grew. The day of the dinner, she answers the door and for the first time realizes how beautiful his eyes are. They take off to go to dinner and he proceeds to tell her that he's really happy because a few weeks before he had planted tomato seeds and that morning he noticed that his tomatoes were growing! At that point she said 'Son of a bitch! I'm going to marry this guy'. In conclusion...Carl is not my tomato guy. Granted I'm not looking for a guy who's happy about tomatoes, I'm looking for a interesting guy who just loves me not just for my qualities but for the pain in the ass I can be and doesn't complain about it. I know that my reasoning is irrational but it was just a gut feeling and from now on..I'm trusting my instincts. I'll probably see Carl again at Kara's choir recital at the end of this month. He seems like a very interesting guy whom I could become good friends with. Overall, having dinner with them yesterday and today was a really good thing. Yesterday I had too much in my head and I had to talk to someone, Nancy is always good at giving me advice ....as motherly as it turns out to be. I talked to her and told her EVERYTHING...she was one of the few people who were there that night of the 'nightmare' in pajamas and all not leaving until she heard I was finally home. The next day she called, and was about to go to the hospital, but I told her that I was fine and they were just going to give me a tetanus shot...it was mostly just waiting and waiting around. My body just ached all over from being tense and stiff. A few days later, she took me to the mall to help me get out and see people...to let me know that there was a reason why I had survived that nightmare and things would be fine. It was too recent and I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone. So yesterday...with the whole getting fired from work and all. I started telling her the whole story. I mean she's one of the very few people who know all that went on with Robert and Sarah and all that mess in the past. It would be safe to say that out of my family, only she and Olivia knows about it. In conclusion she gave me quite an interesting insight. She summarized it in this: 'That girl is a monster who raped your mind and was quite good at what she did, and by covering for her you're only sinking yourself even more. If you think it'll make it go away, it won't; because Robert thinks you hurt his mother....a man and his mother: You don't fuck with that!!! As long as he thinks that, he'll keep accusing you of things that you're not doing and won't ever come back....and after all this I just don't understand how you still have feelings for him.' Funny how I never even mentioned that I have feelings for him. I'm keeping those inside because they HAVE to go away. I'll just keep them buried and that way they won't harm anyone. I guess Nancy has a way of seeing right through me. On my way back I was listening to the radio and 'Unwell' came on...for the first time I paid close attention to the chorus: 'I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired I know right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be...me' Soon enough I'll be fine. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 02,May,2003 | I'd just like to apologize for the last post. 'The wench' called right after I was done bitching about her. On some weird level she must have felt my bitching and thinking about her, that she decided to call. IF I WAS PSYCHIC I'D RULE!! Well this just goes to prove that relationships are a fragile thing but they can certainly be rebuilt with a little love and understanding. On the really bright side, she's back to liking guys which means that now I can talk to her about hot guys without her squirming or saying 'EWWH'. Of course her lesbian side sometimes kicks in and she bursts my bubble about some platonic love I might have. Example: She just told me that Collin Farrel is a chauvinistic pig, who recently knocked up a model. Great! the future father of my children is making babies somewhere else. My options completely ran out. Jason Behr is engaged or probably married by now. Ben Affleck is marrying fat-ass J-Ho. I'm sure Dean Cain is also taken. Why do I fall for the tall, dark and handsome? Maybe I should start looking at my gender. Norah Jones is pretty hot....I'd make out with her....did I really type that? Oh well, maybe it's time for me to go to bed. Three hours on the phone catching up gave me a headache. Not that headaches are unusual for me lately. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 01,May,2003 | SLF looking for non-dramatic, laidback, friendly female or male (a guy friend could be a good balance). Preferably with a brain and a good sense of humor to fill in the position of former best friend, while current second best friend is busy either dancing or teaching dance. Sure, I'm quite busy myself, but I'm sure we can find a little time. If interested call 1800 LETS HANG. (Can you tell I'm a smart ass?) I'd like to know what happens to a friendship deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun Or fester like a sore And then run? Does it stink like rotten meat? Or crust and sugar over Like a syrupy sweet? Maybe it just sags like a heavy load. Or does it explode? ......I'll tell you what happens it goes down the fucking drain. Six years down the tube. I'd like to know what happened to that wench. She calls about a month ago to give me the heads up about her moving away and next thing I know I don't hear from her to give me the new number at least. I called her two days before she was moving to see if she wanted to go out and have lunch so that I could also finally give her her Christmas present!!!! She proceeds to tell me I'll call you tomorrow....does she? NO...when did she turn into a stupid guy who doesn't call back? Of course I can get the number by calling the old one because they have it so that it gives you the new number, BUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT. I'm not about to call a number that wasn't given to me. If they want me to call then they can give me the number. It's kind of like showing up unannounced at someone's house. Through out my December nightmare, she didn't even show up to see how I was doing. The only ones that were there for comfort were the Schwartz'.....Gosh I love that family. As dysfunctional as it was at some point, they're the kind of family that I would hope to build one day, and David and Nancy are the kind of couple that's real yet uncommon. I've spent enough time with them to see that when they're together, they are comfortable, happy and complete; yet they're independent individuals who pursue their own interests. Spending the night at their place even let me see one of their 'bumps' if you will. A moment of disagreement that was easily resolved with communication. That's the key....If only.....Nah, it'll probably be me, myself and a cat. Back to that wench....how is it that she claims to be a good friend who really knows me, yet I haven't seen her face literally in the past...(let me count).. eight months. Yes....eight freaking months the last time I saw her was on my birthday!!! Maybe I'm guilty of not putting enough effort into the friendship.......fuck that!! I'm sick of having to take the blame for everything. I've had enough, if someone wants to be my friend the door swings both ways. Last time I checked my phone is capable of RECEIVING calls. I don't need people, they SUCK anyway.....but hey if you are interested in the above ad, just call. It'll be nice to hear from you. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 01,May,2003 | Turns out that by reading this guy's blog, I learned something really beneficial. His whole entry is pretty irrelevant but here's the important info: The second noteworthy story is from April 29th: The story involves DNA and the statute of limitations. Most crimes, except murder, in most states have a legal deadline in which cases must be brought forth, otherwise, the case is barred. The concept behind this rule is that a person should not be subjected to the cruelty of continually looking over one's shoulder for past transgressions. YESSS!!! This means that the 'nightmare' will be over at some point. Here I was, worrying that it would go on for months and months. All I have to pray for now is that, Sarah the bitch doesn't come and ruin things again. I've taken the blame, she should be happy now. That should keep her away. All I want is a new start . I'm not saying, I want to pretend like it never happened, but I can't change the past, all I can do is focus on the present in order to change the future; but how can I do that when the past keeps haunting me? I just need to find out what the legal deadline for 'stalking' is. With my luck it'll turn out to be years. I should totally just move to Alaska...heck I'd be able to finally see the northern lights :) Then again, I'm so spoiled by this nice California weather I don't think I could survive in Alaska. I know I can be impatient and I should work on changing that but when I think about it. There's so many things that I don't understand about why this is taking so long. Here's my timeline: Oct. 2002 - Nov. 2002: I make the stupid mistake of being involved with a bitch thinking she would help me get my ex back. Dec. 5, 2002: Long Beach Police comes with a search warrant to my house take my computer, my camera and other personal belongings. At night I get assaulted mind you. Dec. 19, 2002: Long Beach detectives come to my work, interrogate me, harass me until the point of giving up and taking the blame for everything. They leave saying I'll get my stuff back the next week and probably 6 months of probation. Jan 15, 2003: I get served with a temporary restraining order from my ex with a court date of Jan. 27 @ 8am in Burbank Jan 16, 2003: I get served a second time with a temporary restraining order from his brother with a court date of Jan. 27 @ 8am in Long Beach (Last time I checked, I wasn't able to split myself in two and be at two places at the same time. I called Long Beach Courthouse and they tell me. Court date was today!....Ok so I get this thing at 6am and you expect me to show up at 8am in Long Beach? 'Oh no. he didn't show up so it was dismissed. Call Burbank though and make sure your court date is for the 27th') Jan 27, 2003: Sat in court for three hours like an idiot because no one showed up. Restraining order was dismissed. Feb 12, 2003: Phone call from Long Beach detective saying I followed his roommate for 30 min on Feb. 8th. Claiming there's an investigation going on and a restraining order prohibiting me from being close to his house. March 13, 2003: Phone call from Long Beach detective saying I sent a ticket to my ex for a basketball game that took place Jan. 31. In the eyes of the DA this qualifies as stalking. (Ok....can I ask why she didn't mention this thing back in Feb.?....she waits two months?) March 17, 2003: Yet another phone call saying I need to prove how I got the tickets and how many tickets I got for that basketball game. March 29, 2003: Enough is enough. I get an attorney. It's time for someone else to deal with them. March 31, 2003: Phone call from my attorney saying everything is fine phone calls to the right people will be made to get this over with. April 18, 2003: I call my attorney again, his response 'No news is good news' Here I am Mayday and still nothing. Does it really take that long to punish someone after they confessed to doing something wrong? and I'm not the brightest crayon of the box, but I'd also like to know why in that restraining order form, Robert wrote that I had stolen his dad's identity. I know these are just words but when it comes to law....it's all about terminology and technicality. To me law is pretty much a bull shit contest to see who has the better one, and who can find a loophole to the rules faster. Stealing someone's identity involves getting their Social Security, credit information, etc. Nowhere near what happened. Impersonating someone.....now we're talking. His brother on the other hand claims that I harassed them for three months.....no I didn't. It was two months. He also claims that I filed a false report with the LAPD to disturb the LBPD investigation....NO I DIDN'T. What happened to me that night was as real as the air I breathe. Now, I wasn't born yesterday so I know that the only reason why the Long Beach Police came to my house with a search warrant was because his brother is a Long Beach Police Officer. We both live in Burbank, shouldn't it have been the Burbank Police? I can't deal with this anymore, I have my good and my bad days. So far the bad are overcoming the good ones. Had they done what they said they would back in Dec. my probation would be almost over by now. $2500 and a month later, I'm still in the same place the only difference is, I'm more in debt and farther away from being able to move out. Funny how some people can't really pin point the moment when their lives got fucked up. I can!! It was the moment that I paid attention to that bitch and made a deal with her hoping I'd get him back or maybe it was the moment I met him. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 02,June,2003 | I've started to think that love is just an illusion and it's not real. It's what God gave us to look forward to but never to reach. People keep searching for it and they think they find it yet come five years down the line...they can't stand each other. Maybe I'm becoming too cynical...maybe just numb or purposely avoiding feelings. I look at Carl and in these past few weeks that we've been talking and hanging out....okay maybe I do most of the talking...I've realized that I'm completely confused. The fact is, I don't want to love anyone anymore. Yes part of me loves Robert but I'm not in love with him anymore. Plus I only love the 'nice' Robert that he portrayed. He's that platonic love that once was and now isn't. He's the first love that most people end up idealizing and wondering 'what if?' Unfortunately the end brought me more pain and fear that what I thought possible. I don't want to let people know how scared I still am because that just puts me in a more vulnerable position but the fact is I wish I could leave this place and go where no one would find me. Away from people who thrive in seeing people suffer. A world of my own where no one could come in; and even though no one would be able to love me, the more important thing is that they won't be able to hurt me either. While Robert gave me moments of happiness, in hindsight they weren't worth the pain I went through or being raped. Carl says I'm easy to love and the good thing is that he understands me and I know he loves me in a friend/big brother kind of way. It's good to have that in my life now. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 01,June,2003 | So Thursday night I dragged Carl out of bed and asked him to go with me to the Key Club cause Frenchie and Kati had a piece in the show this month. I called him at 10 pm and the show started at 11 pm. I changed and ran out in order to stop by the bank and make it in time. I literally rushed out of the house and it didn't take long before a policeman pulled me over. My heart sank to my stomach. I thought 'Oh great...good bye car' considering I couldn't renew my license for obvious reasons. Surprisingly, the officer was quite nice; he just asked where I was going and told me that I should be careful. I was still nervous so I took it as a sign that I should just avoid going to that place. For all I know Tina or Melissa could be there and it's just better to avoid the situation. I called Carl and told him to just go somewhere else instead cause I couldn't find an ATM and it was too late anyway. He didn't believe me, he knows I'm a bad liar and the excuses I make never make sense. I finally was able to find him in the middle of the mess that Sunset Blvd. becomes at night. We tried to find a Coffee Bean but both of them were closed. He told me he was hungry but nothing around there seemed appetizing. It was already midnight and the chances of finding a good place to eat are slim to none. I remembered Coral Cafe and so we headed there. We ended up having another one of those long conversations. He told me that I was a whimp and there is no reason why I should avoid that club. I guess in a way I'm avoiding the memories.....then again I should have probably avoided Coral Cafe as well. I can't help it...the stuffed French toasts are great!!! Well, on the bright side I talked to Olivia and she told me that the show wasn't that great anyway...except for their piece of course. She also told me that the place was packed. Apparently they admitted way too many people. No wonder when we got there the line of people to enter was all the way to the end of the block. Oh well Carl made me promise to go next month or the next time that Olivia or Bradley have a piece in the show, without chickening out. It's silly I'm really not much of a club type...I just want to support my friends. Overall it was a really weird night, on my way to the club I saw the guy that stole that money from me at Center Stage about a year ago and he was not alone. To my surprise he was with the lady that was there the same night asking for information. Figures that I'm stupid enough to not have seen that she was with him all along. I truly believed that she wanted to just sit there and wait for her date, because that's what I do, I trust people. I believe everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. Even when they've made a mistake I still give them another chance. After seeing her with him, it all made sense. She sat there for quite a while while I worked. People came and paid me during that time so she saw where the money was. While he went in to plug the toilet and I went to see how to fix it she had plenty of time to just open the drawer and take the money. Now I know that criminals never work alone. The end of the night was the best part though, Carl told me not to freak out but he said that he loved me as a friend. I don't know if I'm reading into it or if he only mentioned the friend part so that I wouldn't freak out and push him away. It's weird to describe what I feel for him. It doesn't really have a label but I think it's a good thing. The more I think about it the more confusing it is. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 23,May,2004 | Well it's been almost a year since I wrote in this little hideout and the biggest update for those who ran into my little journal and want to know what happened to me. Yes I'm sure someone saw it coming even if I was oblivious and in denial.....So I fell for Carl. It took something like three months of chasing but boy! were they fun. I never thought I'd be capable of having a relationship last this long but after a year, it only gets better. We've had ups and downs but it's been a great rollercoaster. (The good kind) So here's my month by month summary: MAY As stated in previous posts, we had our first quasi date and I still had all these mixed feelings plus I kept hanging on to stupid feelings for the guy whom I now realize what a giant self-centered, incapable of feelings-asshole he is. Moving on... JUNE Decided to play the field, go online and have some fun. Went on two dates with two random guys who were ok but nothing amazing or out of the ordinary. In a nutshell, I'm not an ordinary-liking girl. Almost got myself a stalker with one of the guys who didn't seem to get the clue that nothing was going to happen. Oblivious Joe would be too nice of a name. The highlight of the month was the Recital where I got a nice compliment from Carl about my skirt and my shirt. I also got to have dinner with him and the Schwartz' afterwards. When dinner was over, I remember asking him what he was doing after that and he just said he was going home. I chickened out and didn't have the guts to ask him to hang out with me. I think something might have happened if I had asked. FYI I don't mean sex...just a little lip action. JULY Well this month I kept getting to know Carl and from what I heard later his 4th of July wasn't that great. LOL He went to David to let some steam off about me dating online. Apparently David asked him what I was doing that day and he was pissy at the thought that I could be on a date. This I think led him to go out with this bartender named 'Tandy' (Kind of a stripper name if you ask me....which actually, she was a stripper too....anyway) This of course triggered the jealous side of me....Why wasn't I getting all the attention I got the previous two months? AUGUST At the beginning of the month Carl told me about housesitting for Schwartz' for a week. I think he kept thinking if this was such a good idea. I was too busy being irritated at the fact that he was still dating Tandy. Life wasn't fair, all I had was two or three lousy dates, he was still dating her and my chatty time with him was diminishing. He was taking her to see Tori Amos and he forgot all about taking me to see Norah Jones like he had said he would. He even left me hanging just cause she was having a meltdown about killing her stupid fish. Well the end of the month was the beginning of this wonderful thing called love. We housesat for Nanci and David and in the process got to play husband and wife with all the benefits and duties that it entails. If that bed and table could talk. :) It was one of the best weeks of my life up to date. I was working at a job that I really enjoyed at the time, even if I wasn't getting much sleep I was full of energy and most of all, I felt completely safe with him. SEPTEMBER My amazing week in August turned to confusion again when it was over. I missed him and thought about him every day. He told Tandy it was over even though when she asked if I was his girlfriend, he said I wasn't really his girlfriend, and all because I wouldn't admit to actually being in a relationship. I did hate the fact that she told him to call her if the whole thing with us went down the drain. I pretended to have this bubble and insisted on keeping that week in a bubble. For my birthday, we had dinner with my family and it was a bit awkward to say the least. We were together and longing to be with each other yet kept pretending that nothing was going on and we were just friends. He kept being patient and letting things run its course. I kept pretending I wasn't his girlfriend and not being completely honest with my feelings. We kept going to the movies and having midnight rendevous....or middle of the day depending on our schedule. OCTOBER Finally admitted to my family that Carl wasn't just my friend anymore, the news traveled to his best friend Shant first, then the Schwartz', and finally Jason, Alex, and Dominica. For Shant, it wasn't much of a surprise, months before he had actually made a comment about how we acted like an old married couple. I must say that when he told Jason, Alex, and Dominica it was really nice. Apparently Jason had asked him after they met me if we were dating...(or fucking as he subtly put it), but we weren't at that time. It was really nice when he held my hand to tell them and how they congratulated him, saying that he had finally found a sane one. We hung out with them again on Halloween and I got an invitation to Jason and Dominica's wedding. He politely declined since the wedding was overseas and I couldn't really go. I let my emotions get the best of me and suggested that I would be able to go if we got married. Needless to say that scared him. Amazingly he didn't run away like some unmentionable asshole. NOVEMBER We hit a rough patch around Thanksgiving. Since his mom is in a comma and his grandma was in a nursing home after breaking her hip, I thought it would have been nice to spend Thanksgiving with him. Apparently it was too soon for him to do that. He said he was going to the Schwartz' because he 'had' to meet Nanci's mom. Which really pissed me off. He then said that he was going to spend it with his sister and they were going to go to the nursing home and be with their grandma. Then I found out that he still went to see the Schwartz' yet he didn't have time to stop by my house and say hi at least. I supposed he was still upset at me because he seems to think that I was making him choose between the Schwartz' and I. To this day I'm still confused. It seems like if that was the case, he's basically saying 'I choose them'....Maybe I'm wrong. What he didn't get was the fact that I wasn't making him choose anything. I pissed at the fact that I wasn't included. I knew he was going to want to see them, but I thought we could go to see them together, then have dinner with my family if he wasn't going to do it with his family. Ironically the night that we had the argument was the first and only night thus far that he's told me that he loves me without me saying it first. He said that I should take things slow and the least I could do was look him in the eyes when he was telling me that he loved me and that it was just too soon and that we had all the time in the world. He said he was going to be there next year and the year after that and so on. It was really sweet...In a nutshell, Thanksgiving was bittersweet. DECEMBER Well this month was busy to say the least. He got a promotion at work so he was working more than usual. I was only working at the studio which gave me more free time than I should have. Thus being that time of year, I was needy and he was busy. Not a great combination. However, we did have a pretty good Christmas. I got to housesit for Rosie the day before Christmas eve trough Christmas; and while it was stressful and a bit inconvenient, the tradeoff was the best. I got to wake up in his arms on Christmas, which was the best present ever. New Year's Eve was equally cool. I finally had someone to kiss at midnight. :) JANUARY Well for some reason January is a pretty lame month not a whole lot happened...On second thought, I believe it was the month in which he found out that while Tandy was 'dating' him she was still with some other guy. She screwed him over with a pretty expensive cell phone bill. While I know that it's a bit on the bitchy side of me, but I was a tad bit happy about that. Not because she screwed him over, but because after that she wasn't going to be part of his life, even as a friend. Sorry, but the possessive side of me takes over at times. I think it was also this month that the build up from Thanksgiving and the needy-ness from December gave out and I bitched like I had never done before. We had our biggest fight over .....take a wild guess....the Schwartz'. I don't think he realized what he was doing and he probably still won't admit but it wasn't until not to long ago that he told me that Kara and Kelly were jealous of me after we got together. Then Nanci was mad at him for like two weeks claiming that Kelly wasn't talking to him about stuff cause she thought he was too busy with his 'girlfriend'....Excuse me? Since when did I stop being their friend and became simply 'his girlfriend'? I stopped going over because it seemed very unwelcome to hear Nanci complain about me not calling before showing up for dinner once. I was under the impression that I had an open invitation to their house and since he goes every Wednesday, I thought it would be nice to go with him as well. So I need to call to let them know I'm coming and he needs to call to let them know he's not. I've analyzed the whole thing, and what I come up with is that they really don't want me there because I would be stealing his attention, which is ludicrous. I'm his girlfriend, of course I should get his attention..He gets mine as well....and whatever happened to her whole 'he's a great guy with a lot of friends so we should all share him' (Ironically he doesn't even share his fries and I'm supposed to share him?, plus I wouldn't be stealing his attention anyway. One of the times I went over, Nanci was watching TV, Kara was doing homework, Kelly was doing homework, David was cooking and talking to Carl so I was just sitting there alone in the living room feeling all mopey cause, he made me feel really stupid for locking the keys inside the car. I never gave it much thought but the last time I had dinner there, Nanci made a comment about how we should 'behave' just because Carl was sort of nibbling on my ear. It wasn't this passionate, foreplay type of thing, it was just this playful gesture. At some point Carl even told me that he thought that Nanci had some weird little crush on him. Yeah, that's nice to know...not that I'm threatened by that, because I'm sure of the things that I have to offer and if he leaves it would be his loss (plus Nancy and him? Gross).....not that I wouldn't loose either...but you get my point. So in regards to this whole thing, I've made quite a few aborted attempts at getting along with them and stuff but it just doesn't seem to happen. So I can't make an apple turn purple so I just gave up. Apparently he doesn't seem to think he can do anything either. Since back in Nov. he stated that it was his job to invite me over since they were his family and so it's his job to do that just like it would be Kelly's job to bring over a friend of hers if she wanted her there. I guess this means he doesn't really want me there. Unfortunately I am my father's daughter and so for the most part I like things to go my way. It takes a while but I figure some way to get what I want. As far as this goes, I've decided to have time do the trick...like my mom says 'everything falls by its own weight' so I'll just let this thing run its course. FEBRUARY Ahh the month of love....Valentines was really cool even though we both had to work. I got to be a 'rebel' and not come home. Even thought it wasn't the first night. The first night I used Olivia as an alibi, this time it would have been too obvious. If I didn't come home, of course I was going to be with him not Olivia. So I decided to just be honest about it and simply inform them that I wasn't coming home that night. So after work, we went to dinner, then tried to go see '50 First Dates' but decided not to and instead went to the hotel...and you know where the story goes. MARCH One of the best months-His birthday month. After that huge fight in Jan. I decided that what we needed was to get away for a while and relax. I had worked all of February and I mean ALL of it..seven days a week. I booked a hotel and decided to take him to San Francisco our favorite city. One day we'll move there....worse comes to it...we'll retire there. I drove there which was a scary experience for him to say the least....some people just can't handle that rush ;) I took him to this little museum of cartoons. We had dinner at this cool 'rat pack'-era type of place called Izzy's Steaks & Chops. We went to the Palace of Fine Arts. We went to see 'Spartan' at this quaint little theater, and the whole weekend we enjoyed the city while listening to the best radio station in the world- 105.3 FM San Francisco. APRIL Well nothing spectacular happened this month except me getting fired from the Studio by the biggest bitch I've come to know. I'm starting to think that I'm just not fit to be bossed around, which brought me to finding my true calling as they say. I've started to research more massage therapy schools. It's the best idea. It fulfills my need to help people and gives me the chance to do things my way. So my goal is to have my own stable profiting business five years from now although four would be great. In regards to Carl, after much thinking and complaining I won a little battle. He thought we should have some time apart, I didn't think it was such a good idea. Then I went back to my little think tank and changed my mind, then he said he just wanted a couple of days. I was going to give him space for like two and a half weeks, until the end of the month simply because it was my brother's birthday and Brandon wanted him to be there. He called after a couple of days and informed me that he had switched things around so that we now have Fri. and Sun. together. I was basically pissed because from my point of view I didn't really have a day with him. It was sort of Fri. but it wasn't a thing like the Wed. thing with the Schwartz' or the Sun. thing with Shant and Paul. Even thought I would see him Friday nights, it was still a day when he had to work thus he would be stressed out after being at a job which he now hates. Wed. his day off he would be a bit more relaxed but the Schwartz' were the one's enjoying it. Sun. was another day off as well and Shant and Paul were the ones getting it. He did work with them as well, but it was still annoying. Finally he decided to talk to Paul and Shant and tell them that he wasn't working on Sun anymore and so now I get to go with him over to Paul's for 'Alias' night. Slowly but surely, things fall into place. As far as this month goes, I've been looking for another job, being more picky about it so that it relates to massage therapy. I wish I could just start school but it wouldn't be a smart move since I'd be spending my savings which I now need since I don't have a job. Hopefully the job thing will be resolved within the next couple of weeks. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 13,June,2004 | Why does it have to be so hard? I used to think it was the most simple thing to do as long as both people felt it. I can't seem to have the strength to do it anymore. I love Carl with all my heart and as hard I try to hold on to it I know it keeps slipping away...not because he's leaving but because I'm falling. My simple life that I wish for is more complicated than what I bargained for. I have two options, pretend that everything is fine and keep waiting for things to change blindly or start anew and pretend that this never happened and my love is not staying behind. Which one will it be? The worst part is that I think I found myself a soulmate :) Who knew that the guy who listened to me for 3 months and whom I kept rejecting would end up making me fall head over heals. He's the best thing going on in my life now. We have our problems every now and then but I think we're pretty honest with each other. He knows my every secret and doesn't judge. I do wish he would share more of his problems with me but for some reason he just thinks I can't help him so why tell me. I don't think he believes in soulmates and I'm not sure that I completely do either and while he's not perfect and I'm not perfect I do think we're perfect for each other. While this might sound trite or immature, that's just how I feel. God knows I'm nothing but a ball of feelings, and whenever my head gets involved its Armageddon. I don't know if I just made the biggest mistake by telling him that I think we should just be friends but I don't want to hurt him and I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to be here. He asked if that's what I wanted but that's not what I want it's what I think I have to do. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 31,July,2004 | I'm going about my day studying and organizing my notes when once again I get a message from some Atif guy from Iran. A few weeks ago he sent me a message saying 'hello do you want to be friend' after a min. I knew there was NOTHING in common with this guy. He's on the other side of the world he's an immature 22 year old and English is not exactly his forte. Yet he keeps insisting that I add him to my list of friends. Among the things I've proposed for myself is not to waste time in stupid things. This being one of them. So after ten minutes of useless explanations I leave. Today he sends me yet another message that reads 'a/s/l plz'. Does anyone have any idea how annoying it is to get that at the beginning of a conversation? Obviously if the nimrod found me, he must have looked at my profile so why ask for information that is very clear stated on said profile? I am not looking for anyone nor am I going to chatrooms so obviously these people are doing some sort of search where my profile comes up. Now the ANNOYING part comes in when he tells me that he doesn't believe I'm a girl, I proceed to ask why and he says 'because you have bad website' I asked what he means by that and he says that the sex pillow website I have on my profile is a bad thing because sex is BAD. So this idiot has NO IDEA who I am yet feels he has the right to judge me? Not only that, but he gives me 'advice' on how sex is not love. I tell him that I know that, but sex is a big part of love. He refutes saying that I shouldn't have sex unless I'm married. Spare me the speech, this is exactly the kind of thinking that pushes me away from what's supposed to be my country. I can talk to any guy raised in Mexico and he'll tell me the same thing. Yet he will sleep around before he gets married. I'm almost 26 years old and the number of partners I've had is TWO and that didn't start until I was 22 so you figure out how much of a slut I am. Besides, I don't have sex, I make love. There's a BIG difference, feelings are involved. I actually tried to have sex but it didn't work. I can safely say that I only had sex once and it wasn't by choice. In fact it was more like someone had sex with me, if it makes sense. It does to me. Anyway, I don't appreciate people making assumptions of my character and bringing God into the picture especially when you don't know me nor will you ever do. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 29,July,2004 | This just came out of left field. The plateau did a 180 turn yesterday. Of all the places I thought it would happen I never thought it would be a Carl's Jr. Honestly I never thought it would even happen. Technically Carl just broke up with me. Ironically, at the end of it he gives me the most passionate kiss ever and tells me he loves me but he needs to do this for now. What the fuck? Not only this, but he proceeds to remind me what Yvonne told him when she left him. As if I didn't have that implanted in my brain already. Yes I know how she said that 'She loved him but it wasn't enough for her' (What a bitch!) Now he's telling me the same. He backtracks and explains that he didn't know what she meant back then and now he realizes that she didn't love herself very much and even though she loved him, she needed to love herself first. Apparently she's not done loving herself. Honestly I think she ONLY loved herself. In some way I agree with him and understand that he need to be happy with himself and love himself first. I just wish we didn't have to do this. I asked why the need to break up if all he needs is time apart which he will have once he goes to London to work on 'Natasha'. He says he needs a clean slate. I suppose it will be better, as the old saying goes 'If you love something set it free, if it comes back it's yours if not it never was'. On the bright side, he's back with his therapist. She called him a self centered asshole who feels the need to be needed. When he explained it to me he said something that I did notice from his previous relationships, he always picked hopeless needy cases. Right before me, Tandy (the stripper with financial problems), previous to that was Dawn (the cheating stealing single mom), before Dawn was Yvonne (the ex-wife who left after he helped her through school). During Yvonne when they broke up the first time before they got married was Lisa (the medicated nut who borrowed money from him to run off and get married to some guy). So it's a string of women who always seem to NEED him. In the home-front, his 57 year old alcoholic uncle is now dependent on Carl. So Carl feels responsible for uncle Jhonny now that his mom and grandma are gone and they were the ones taking care of him. I don't blame him for feeling closed in. What I don't want is to become one of those women who needs him. I don't need him, I want him. The problem is that being this ball of feelings that I am, it is easily assumed that I'm needy. Being 10 years younger doesn't help either. However, I am a lot more mature than most women my age. He says that something must be wrong with him when his girlfriend is 10 years younger and his best friend is 13 years younger. FYI I'd like to point out that Shant and I are old souls, so I don't see a problem with that. I've met older women and men that are not as mature as Shant and I so age has nothing to do with that. I do find something wrong and unhealthy about him feeling responsible even for his grandma's death. She was 94!!!! That's a good long life. To make matters worse he rationalized her death saying that the root of the problem started when she broke her hip, because after that she never recovered. Unfortunately the night that it happened he was me. We were about to make love when his uncle called him to tell him that. I did think it was odd that he asked which hospital she was in and told his uncle he would go see her before he went home. I thought he was going to leave and go see her at that moment. Instead we continued to make love hung out for a while after and then we left the hotel. I'm not sure if he did it because he needed comfort or if he wanted to avoid the worry. I know there's been times when he opens up and admits that he needs comfort yet for the most part he feels like he has to be the strong one who needs to handle everything. On the other hand sometimes I turn to him for comfort and help because I feel the same about life in this house and life in this country. I feel closed in. Because of the fucking fact that I'm not a LEGAL resident, I can't even get an ID. As stated before, I don't what to leave and go to an unknown place. ALL I need is an opportunity to clear my status and become a resident at least if not a citizen. Again unfortunately, this put some pressure on him to try and help me by marrying me. If only I had taken a leap of faith the first time he proposed. Well, everything happens for a reason and when one door closes another one opens. We do need the space to work on ourselves and get back to a better place. Just like weekend I didn't like myself when I started to question his honesty. I shouldn't do that yet I did. Fortunately I have a lot more patience and after letting things roll the questions get cleared. I thought he didn't have the balls to tell me that he didn't want me to go to San Diego for 'Comic Con' since things were weird between us and so he made up a story about not being sure of whether he was even going. Even Friday he calls me to tell me that Paul still needed to call him and confirm the trip and that he's going to let me know as soon as he knows. Meanwhile, I'm thinking 'Why are you telling me this? I can't go with you now. My parents are in Vegas already and I'm stuck babysitting'. Saturday rolls around and he finally sends me a text saying he's in San Diego with Shant and Paul and he'lll be back on Mon. This just pissed me off to no end. My mind was going a mile a min. thinking back to when I spoke to Shant and told him I wasn't going to SD because Carl wasn't going and yet he had no idea what I was talking about. So I thought 'Why do you have to be an asshole with no balls who can't tell me the truth about how he knew all along that he was going to San Diego but he just didn't want me to go anymore'. Yesterday without me asking he starts telling me about how tired he is because Saturday at 4am Paul calls him to wake him up and tell him to get ready to go to SD. He's pissed off for being wakened at 4am and for not being told ahead of time. Turns out that Paul never called him to confirm which is why he never called me to tell me either. Apparently Paul thought that he was supposed to call only if they didn't go not if they did go. So each and every day I confirm how easily it is to get into arguments if you're not patient. In fact all you have to do is stay quiet and people will talk. I know that liars tend to over-talk and all you have to do is pay attention and they get caught. In a nutshell, I got one of the good ones all I need is a little more patience for him to come around. In the mean time I'm going to work on myself as well. It's funny how I was going to suggest that he went to see a therapist after he told me how he felt guilty about his grandma. Since it was a touchy subject I didn't know how to approach him. My baby is so smart, he figured it on his own. I on the other hand should probably see one as well, I'm still not doing so well as far as that rape thing goes, but that's a WHOLE different post. As far as this one goes, I'll say it's just a fork on the road to a better place. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 08,July,2004 | So it'll be a month soon since Carl asked to take a break. I'm really scared of losing him. I know it wouldn't be the easiest relationship but deep inside I'm still the hopeless romantic that believes that love conquers all. I know he loves me and I love him so why should we let stupid circumstances ruin our relationship. The more I think the worst it gets. I know that I need to be patient but it's so hard to 'just' be his friend. To hang out and not be able to really touch him, to say goodbye and just hug when I really want to kiss him and hold him in my arms till the cows come home. My brain says that it's crazy to want him to come home to me every night, and wake up in his arms for the rest of my life but that's exactly how my heart feels. I know that at some point I wanted to marry Robert but in hindsight I was just holding on for dear life because I thought nobody would ever look at me again. I ignored all the signs and all the things I didn't like about him and in some way hoped that he would change. I grew up a lot thanks to that disastrous relationship. Now I know that I can't change people or make them love me. Somehow Carl fell in love with me and although he has faults which annoy me at times, I wouldn't want to change anything. In fact, a couple of weeks ago I discovered how much I really enjoy movies. I always thought I did but until he came along, I discovered how much I really like to spend an hour detached from reality into a world of 'what if'. Ironically I complained to him about not doing anything other than going to the movies to which he replied with 'You can do whatever you want, I go to the movies'. The coment was a little harsh but when I see it from his point of view, I understand that he felt threatened and saw it as me wanting to change him. Going to the movies is to him what massage is to me. A HUGE part of our lives. The best memory he has is of his mom taking him to see 'Star Wars' every weekend for as long as it played. I'm not sure how many times but I know it's in the triple digit range. What I wasn't clear about was the fact that I simply wanted to do other things in addition to going to the movies. On the other hand this city is closing in on both of us. A lot of places he avoids because of bad memories from Yvonne, a lot of places I avoid because of bad memories from Robert. So you would think that LA has this great city life, yet we can't find a darn thing other than dinner and a movie. Frankly, I just wished we had our own place to just cuddle and veg out. We're more of the stay-in type but it's hard when you don't have a place of your own. If we do that at home Brandon is bound to become the jealous brother who has to sit between us. Anyway, about my discovery, it wasn't until we went to see 'Spiderman 2' that I was introduced to the real magic of movie going. We went to the opening midnight show with Shant, his brother, and one of Carl's co-workers. The theater was full of REAL fans. We waited in line for about five hours and then when we were finally seated an hour before the show, people started doing crazy things to pass the time like throwing beach balls. There even was a guy dressed up as Spiderman. The whole thing was very amuzing, except for the blown up condom. Then the movie started and complete silence filled the room. At the end of it, I was able to see that happiness in his eye. It was three o'clock in the morning yet he was full of energy. He couldn't remeber the last time he felt like that. That's exactly what I love about him. His love and passion for what he wants to do. I remember that a long time ago when I posted that personal ad, I wrote that I was looking for someone who was passionate. I said that I didn't care what he was passionate about it could have been insects for all I cared the keyword was passion. Ask and you shall receive. I got what I wanted and I wasn't even aware of that until recently. Another thing was how he described all the things that were going on in the theater. Because it was the movie theater he used to manage, he knew everything about it. He told me how that was his life for about 11 years. The funny thing was that when he talked about it he talked as if he was still part of the company. This made me realize how much it affected him to loose that job. In a perfect world I wish I could give him that dream back. He used to tell me how he created this midnight program where one night of the week they would run old classic movies that a lot of people didn't get to see in a big screen. He was like a God to all these young kids who were interested in seeing movies that came out when they were babies. Years later he still 'The movie guy'. When we went to San Francisco for his birthday we went to see 'Spartan' in this old little theater house it was so nice and cozy. I wish we could have that. Buy an old theater, make it spiffy and have him be the King of the theater. Men are hunters and they crave that 'King of the domain' position. He can have the limelight. I'm fine with the supporting role. If having that will make him happy, then I'll be happy. I know it can be a financial risk but I believe I can help make ends meet. I'm going to try visualization. A loft in San Francisco, lazy Hobbes & Brando on the couch, Carl owning a theater, me helping people with massage. Life will be grand!! All we need is a little push off of this plateau. |
662,223 | female | 25 | indUnk | Virgo | 01,August,2004 | So Atif found himself another name and decided to pester me yet AGAIN. Now he has the nerve to tell me that I love him. I tell him to leave me alone because he's crazy and he says that's my way of showing my love for him. It's one o'clock in the morning in Pakistan yet he says he's been waiting for me to talk!!! What the fuck is his problem? I put him in the 'ignore' list but he goes and gets another name in order to talk to me. The guy is a complete lunatic. I mean I've had my share of experiences with weird people online but this guy is seriously crazy. On the other side of the spectrum though, I did find a really cool friend. Hi Mike :) |
3,504,538 | male | 24 | Education | Sagittarius | 31,May,2004 | Haircuts are dangerous things for the adolescent male. Each boy has his own distinct style, and though none would admit to caring altogether too much about it, the strands of dead proteins that grow atop each person’s head form alternately a shield or a massive chink in the armor of his self-esteem. We don’t admit to checking our hair in the mirror. At least, I don’t. Brett does, but Brett was also the first among us to get pubic hair, so he’s always been a bit out there. So we try not to make sure our precious locks are in place. In the seventh grade there are some boys who have woken up to the faint odors of feminine grace and beauty and other boys who have not. These are easily differentiated because the latter group is still letting their mothers crew-cut their hair once a week while the former group has decided it is better to have a more fashionable hairdo. There is nothing wrong with the crewcut. It is a useful haircut and one that is easily managed. Nevertheless, the crewcut is absolutely without flair. Unless you have an unfortunate cowlick that sends one section of your crewcut careening into space, your crewcut ends up looking like a flat mat of hair across your head. This is fine, like I said, if you don’t care about women. I care about women. Somehow, I always have. So I’ve never gotten a crew cut. There is another reason: supposedly my father had straight blonde hair until he got a crew cut when he was thirteen and it grew back dark and wiry, the way it is today, and I didn’t want my hair to decompose like that. Thus the teenage male's hair is in every way a reflection of his prospects for reproductive success. The hair, vanity of vanities, is the first step to biological evolution. When a teenage male hopes to take the first steps toward reproduction (and this urge, stronger even than the urge to eat, sleep or talk, is the sole governing urge in the male body from age twelve until he discovers money), he knows he must first begin to care about his outward appearance. Granted, this is a complete waste of time and psychic energy because the last thing on a thirteen year-old girl’s mind is a thirteen year-old boy. She cares only about fourteen and fifteen year-old boys, but that is an altogether separate phenomenon about which the thirteen year-old boy is absolutely oblivious and so it will receive its just treatment later. The thirteen year-old boy begins bringing deodorant to school. This deodorant he stashed in his gym locker in order to apply it in the five minutes between gym class and lunch. Several of my comrades learned to slacken their participation in gym class soccer games in order to reduce their sweat outputs, but I was too competitive to let some weakling garner the glories of gym class sports, so I went all-out during gym class and built up the wretched lather of perspiration that only I knew how to build. Thus, the deodorant became a necessity. I sprayed what remained of my father’s half-used can of Right Guard onto the small patch of pubic hair beneath my armpit until the can’s aerosol spray had sufficiently cooled my hot skin. When my skin was cool to the touch, I knew that I had enough deodorant to mask my own odor. And so it was that I went off to lunch smelling like a deodorant factory. Happily for me, much of the rest of the seventh grade was equally obsessed with hygiene, and so my own alcohol-based obsession was lost in the milieu. |
3,737,568 | male | 16 | indUnk | Pisces | 24,June,2004 | urlLink Me a couple of months ago. urlLink |
3,737,568 | male | 16 | indUnk | Pisces | 24,June,2004 | The day started off with me sleeping in (as I do when you’re on holidays, partly more of that later) into Canberra’s icy winter morning starts at about -10 degrees Celsius. After telling my self I should get up after two hours of lying in bed think about how cold, windy and generally dodgy the weather was outside I managed to coax myself out of bed and get ready for my fun eventful 'miniday' at college. What is a miniday you ask? well its where you go in to your classes for about 2 minutes get your marks back see how bad you went, think “well I could of done better in that but I didn't, oh well”.... then leave. Pretty stupid invention if you ask me. You’re telling students to voluntarily turn up to school, do nothing but see how bad they went then go home. All with the weather being like its in sub-Antarctic…. in winter! I think it’s a sham. Foolish teachers trying, and succeeding, to irritate students who are basically on holidays other than these meagre couple of hours they have to wait at school for when they could be out (trying) to have fun somewhere. Anyway where was I. after that I went home trying to keep my hat from getting blown away by the furious winds that were flying by swirling man, animal and woman into a vicious windstorm of destruction…...well maybe not that insane, but it was windy ok. So I get home and sit down for about five minutes read my newly purchased monthly issue of Atomic when the phone would ring and who would it be, who else rings you just when you think its safe to have fun again?. Work, just when you think its safe to have fun again. They were kind enough to ring me up about three hours before I was supposed to start there saying I’m not needed. Well that’s crap since I’m poor and I need money to fund the ludicrously expensive computer I’m trying to save up for but cant due to that fact that I have to live. Splurge. So I go and tell my mate, who is over as usual since…well…I don’t know I think he was here when we moved in actually and my sister who thinks my dog is a real person and that you should talk to him and act as though he is a person in all respects of the word (by the way my sister is 19 turning 20 this year…yeah scary isn’t it) that work rang me and said that they don’t need me to work. Well. They both said that “you should of got them to pay you for your shift since they didn’t give u more than 24 hours notice etc.” I’m like shit guys you need to tell me this before the situation happens so I can get some free money and to that they responded in their usual dull sultry manner “whatever” so I sat down and tried to figure out what I was going to do for the rest of the night……I still am and its not the evening anymore, it’s the morning. So essentially I did nothing to of worthy note for humankinds existence on this arctic day on the 24th of July 2004. Fare thee well. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 31,May,2004 | so, we're in louisville, home of the slugger. last night we played with black cross, which was awesome, and the paulson boys finally got to meet the initial people, the guys who run their label. andy initial was going to take them out to dinner after the show, so we headed for a burrito place. then i got a call, the paulson boys were going to meet up with us, because we were in the middle of a three tornado convergance, and no place was open but la bamba, where we were. then we went to ryan and evan pattersons' place, who play in black cross and breather resist. they're place is so beautiful. it's 3 stories, all new, 5 people, and they pay 1200 beans per month. how incredible is that? i payed 4000 for 10 people in new brunswick. holy crap. everyone here is really nice, and since we're not playing shows for the next few days, i think we're all gearing up for some camping or something. everyone in the bands seems to be in good spirits, which is always amazing. being on the road for this long is obviously equally amazing and hard. the hard parts have been kept to a minimum, so that's cool. oh yea, yesterday while getting gas, so teenaged kid asked greg if we had played the leonyrd skynard (sp?) concert the previous night. hmm...maybe we need to work on our image, if that's what we're portraying to middle america. thanks again to ryan and everyone in kentucky for helping us out and being so amazing. thanks to you for visiting. please wipe your feet at the door, and make sure you take a cookie on your way out. lots of love, the python |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 29,May,2004 | sorry i don't write in this ever. its just that i'm very lazy and the rest of my band isn't so they beat me to all the good stories. lets see... i drove a lot. i drove some more. i slept. ate some food. i'm in a band. we're called out smarting simon. he we're playing a show tonight in nasvhille at this place called the muse, you should come check us out if you're not doing anything. there is something hilarious about someone being nicknamed the beekeeper. i have a lot of nicknames but none of them are quite that good. booyah. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 27,May,2004 | |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 27,May,2004 | Yes. I think PJ summed things up nicely. I must say it was very cool that ryan came out to the show. He's an awesome guy and it was nice to see him again. We've had our second vehicle problem of this tour, and I must say, I could really do without anymore problems henceforth. Nonetheless, we popped a new tire on our trailer and made it to Nashville no problem. The place is cool, but in sort of a weird area. There are plenty of strip clubs and other 'adult' establishments. There is also some good skating near the place, and I was 'tearing it up' the best I could. Tommorow is a show in Louisville with Black Cross and we are all pretty excited about that. I also plan on getting some free gear when Paulson visits Initial, but we'll see. Oh, and I also picked up a gallon of sweet tea today since it will be my last chance to enjoy some before we head up north. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 27,May,2004 | we drove all night. we got a hotel room, much to our dismay. we had a bit of a tiff (sp?) we played johnston city, tn. vegan ryan came out. some guy called greg and me gay and said we liked cock. he didn't have a shirt on. or underwear. he sang a song, while drunk and tattooed. it went something like this: 'well i'm an american man with a gun in my hand and i'm gonna get saddam and bin laden too. i'll go to iraq from affanisan (that was how it came out) and if you get in my way i'll kill you...damn, i fucked up...i'm drunk, i wrote the song while on methanphetamines...but i'll kill you too.' i think that's about how it went. logan audio taped it. paulson knocked over the keyboard and broke it while playing. they took off soooo many brown pants. i think jesse might get mad. logan played the sound byte of the dude in NOLA reading porn. very creepy. hung out in the hotel room. kickboxed a watermelon. logan wore it as a helmet. alex punched him with it. in the morning a girl had a seizure. we drove towards nashville. another trailer tire blew up. after lots of trouble we got a new one. now we're at the muse in nashville. over and out. peach |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 27,May,2004 | so... we went to new orleans. do stories that start this way ever end well? just kidding. to be honest, going to NOLA is one of those things that i think almost everyone wants to experience in their lives, and in a way, i'm glad i did and now i can cross that off the list. don't get me wrong, i had a good time hanging out with my buddies and seeing something i've never seen through my own eyes, but i kind of see that place kind of like las vegas. it's a heaven for some people and a hell for others. it was pretty much exactly what i expected, but it's crazy to be in the middle of a place where drinking and nudity are allowed on the streets, basically a den of debauchery. oh well, i guess that's awesome for some people. the folks we hung out with were very nice, though some of their stories were a bit on the scary side. that's what you get for hanging out with strangers i guess. mike smeen and i stayed up until sunup discussing/arguing about innovation and invention in music, a conversation that i'm sure annoyed everyone but us. well, maybe us a little. greg is a great kid, and sometimes he needs to be reminded that i love him and am an ass. sorry dude, i love you. so, an overview of things i saw: naked people, big and small vomiting many almost fights lots of drunken dirty old men two rock bands (they were on tour also, big collapse was one of them, but i forgot the name of the other. super nice guys) lots of strip clubs next to pizza places bros cops i think that's about it. anyway, i hope you realize it was ridiculous to be part of. tonight we're playing in mississippi. it's a cool coffee shop where they bought us pizza. that's cool. as for other fun things we've done on tour, greg has mentioned some of them. here is an example of some of logan's handiwork with peal away letters on a closed down business. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 26,May,2004 | right now we are in the parking lot of the furnace, the diy style club that we played 30 minutes outside of baton rouge. the show went really well, but right before we were supposed to go on, a bunch of cops showed up. after making sure it was cool that we play, we played what ended up being a short set, only 4 songs. sorry to those kids who actually came out, but thank you so much for coming out and singing along. so, as we were packing up, we found out that all of the permits and stuff weren't cool with the place, which is why it got shut down. i think we were given 30 minutes to get out of the club, so we packed up and got ready to go. as we were leaving, kelly forgot his backpack, so he ran inside to grab it. i was sitting in the paulson van waiting in the exit. so, just as we were about to leave, two pickup trucks and a cop car pulled up, all with sheriffs inside. so, we hung out for a few minutes, and then maguire told us we should get out of the parking lot, but the OS van had to stay and hang out. now we're hanging out in the paulson van across the street at a gas station while the rest of the OS boys are chilling out. the cops apparently cuffed one dude at the show because they found a large amount of drugs in his car. so, after the boys bro'd down with the cops we are all ready to go. maguire rolled up just now and screamed, 'i shot a pig in the face, yea!' so, that is how our night went. we're on our way to NOLA now, because we apparently want to enter in some debauchery. i hope all of you are well. peace in the middle east. pajamas. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 26,May,2004 | hey all. so for the sake of time and such, i'm not going to read the blogs from the other guys. so, please forgive me if i repeat things a little. we have all finally gotten some rest after our overnight drive from tampa to baton rouge. maguire and i took the 'graveyard shit' and drove til abouit 7 am or so. we had to make about 4 stops trying to find a place to get a cup of coffee. i guess florida has some strange rule that makes the convenience stores at the gas stations close at night, whatever. we also enjoyed a bag of bacon cheddar fries. sounds gross, i know. yesterday we rolled into town around noon or so and we weren't in the best moods. both paulson and we got our oil changed and the os guys plus jeff dined at an all you can eat chinese buffet. it wasn't very good, but it was a lot of food. we were all pretty tired when we got to the venue, and a few of us (myself included) took naps on benches across the street. it was very hobo of us, but it's just too hot to sleep in the van. well, the rest of the tour is looking good. we have another show here in baton rouge today, so we are all just taking it easy. also, we are all looking forward to the recently confirmed (reconfirmed) angry penguin show. that should be a blast. take care all. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 24,May,2004 | well... greg put it pretty well. kelly bummed it up, as did i for a short while. we ate really greasy chinese buffet for dinner. i slept many hours in the van. oh yea, the long ass overnight drive s'd the d. it sure did. anyway, kate really hooked it up with pizza and cool floor space. the paulson guys got up to the room first and when we got there everyone dove into the pizza, which then turned out to be one veggie and one pepperoni, which sort of sucked for me, because there was no more veggie; however, my good buddies in both bands that eat meat all gave me their half/not eaten pieces and ate the meatza slices. nice guys. i knew i loved them. oh yea, and jeff fed greg greasy meats by hand. that was hot. as for the show at the kids, that was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. it basically felt like a new brunswick basement show, but a billion miles away. that's an incredible feeling. also, greg from the kids is an amazing guy who puts just about everything he has into making a cool places for kids and shows. he's the best. today we're playing in baton rouge again, then off to clinton, mississippi. we've never played there, so i'm excited. i guess that's about it. thanks again everyone. oh, wait...if you're not doing anything on either june 6 or june 11, please come out to our shows in philly or at la cuna respectively. thank you! love, the peej |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 24,May,2004 | It's about time... I finally got a bit of sleep, and I couldn't be happier. We played the Kids Skateshop in Tampa two nights ago which was incredible. I still can't get over the feeling of having kids over a thousand miles away singing along to lyrics I've written. It's absolutely bizarre, and quite a bit absurd, but possibly one of the most amazing feelings. Thank you guys! Anyway, after the kids show, we had to head straight to Louisiana... 12 hours, straight through the night, definitely took it's toll on all of us. We showed up to the show and Kelly passed out like a hobo on a bench across the street, PJ crashed in the van for many hours, Maguire managed to hide away somewhere, and I just decided to start drinking... Probably not the best move considering I was already dillusional from lack of sleep. But anyway, Kate, the girl who set up the show for us, brought us back to her place and hooked it up with food and an airconditioned place to crash. Absolutely amazing! Alright, so I'm not really writing anything interesting anymore, so I'm gonna get out of here. There should be some cool photos coming soon though. Let's just say 'sex for kids', thanks to Logan, and 'no fear'... You'll understand all of this very soon.. Oh and one last thing. It appears the Angry Penguin show on the 11th is back on in New York. I'll post all the info when I get it.. But I sure as hell hope to see all those familiar faces I love so much. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 24,May,2004 | that's how they say it down here in the south...i think. anyway, thank you all very much for being interested enough in our little band to read up on us and leave comments. i like comments, they give me something to read and make me smile. as for my lovely locks, i'm not sure if you just meant my hair or dreads...well, my hair will come back eventually, but for now its shaved head with marble, then i'll cut that out so i just have a shaved brown skull...then i'll probably just grow it back. hope that works for you all. so last night after i posted, the girl who got us the hotel room and most of paulson left for her house. she probably should not have been driving, but they got home apparently some inappropriate comments were made by her and then she made them watch shrek to primus' 'punch bowl,' or at least thats how i think it worked out. interesting, semi-sorry i missed it. today we're playing at the kid's skateshop in tampa, fl, and then we're going to leave right afterwards for baton rouge, la, which is something like a 12 hour drive. sucks, but we're playing there tomorrow, and we'd like to get the drive, or at least most of it, out of the way. after two days in good ole louisiana, we take the 10 hour trek to johnson city, tn, but luckily after that most of the drives are reasonable. so far i've finished 3 novels on this tour, and i'm working through number 4 and a book on anxiety. all very interesting stuff. yesterday i passed the trophy for 'most rightous dude os/paulson tour '04' over to greg for dropping a duece in the gulf of mexico, now called the gulf of dumpsico, aptly titled by brian kelly. i'm sure none of this is all that interesting, so here is where i will call it quits. i miss some of you very much, and if i don't know you, i'm sorry, but i don't miss you. but, i still love you. thanks for everything. pedro |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 21,May,2004 | team abs drum off 2k4. thats really all i have to say right now. oh yeah, tour is fun. and it took me a week to figure out how to log on to this thing. stupid internet. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 21,May,2004 | i'm not sure if it is because i am frugal (that's the polite way of saying it), but i have a small problem with getting a hotel room on tour unless there is fear of death; however, tonight we are in tampa florida, and mike's (from paulson) cousin decided to get us a hotel room. i'm not sure why, but it is amazing of her, and we are all getting showers and sleep on floors/beds, rather than vans, which is incredible. thank you jaime and mike. we drove 10 hours overnight last night to get from georgia to ft. myers florida. the show in georgia kind of sucked, because they made us and paulson play as the last two bands. what's up with that? why do people make touring bands that nobody knows play last? thats just seems beat. it also seems like they lied to us a bit about cash, which sort of sucks because gas is really expensive. regardless, greg and i drove from about 12.30 to 7 am, alternating between absolute elation and semi-argumentation. i love that kid to death, but we also can argue. anyway, so we tried to sleep for a while, but not well after that, and eventually i ended up meeting the rest of the guys at the beach (which was incredible--white sand, warm water) and then we went to guitar center for the jeff (paulson)/maguire drum-off. it was amazing, they actually drew a crowd. there was also the standerd GC tools playing nu-metal. tonight went really well, there was this great show at a record shop, and even though there weren't a ton of kids, the one's who watched really cared. that to me is the most amazing feeling in the world. i love punk rock. i love my boys. i love paulson. i love you all. i don't love trying to sleep in hot vans. fuck it, i do love it, because it means i'm living. i love you all. thanks for everything. pj |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 21,May,2004 | So, I would like to recapitulate some highligts of days past. We played with Alli with an I in NC, and then Guff in GA and it was great hanging out with those guys again. Other fun things about days past: hanging out with Ed in Myrtle Beach, wearing European swimwear to the beach and deeming it a social experiment, sweet tea, getting chased by poop, and finally hitting a subway. Also, people in Myrtle Beach really like 3 doors down, so much so, that they feel the need to kareoke to it. To some people, chorused acousitc guitar is still the bees knees. How painfully diverse we are sometimes. If you are going to invest in a shirt, you might want to consider getting one with sleeves, they work well, really. Nonetheless, I fell asleep on a hotel balcony by the ocean, and it was awesome. Also, Paulson is far superior to us in the electronics and hats department. We will have to catch up. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 17,May,2004 | hey all, so we're here in summerville, sc and it is day something on tour with paulson. these guys are awesome, and getting the chance to watch them every night has been incredible. after some good shows and some bad shows, we're loving each and every day that we wake up, because we're not sure what it will bring. the last few shows have been a bit rough, because me being a bit of an idiot, told logan (singer of paulson) to jump from one roof to another one night, and he made it, so i thought i could. soooo....i tried and missed, and caught myself with my left hand and throat. when i woke up i could barely talk, couldn't sing at all, and could barely move my left hand. therefore, it's made playing the last few shows a bit rough. anyway, in between me being stupid, we've found time to do funny things with my hair. first, way before we left, i cut my hair into a tony hawk/rosie o'donnel cut, and left it so we could have fun on tour. so, we then died it blonde at my aunt's house outside of DC, and alex (paulson) left a few brown spots by mistake...so then we cut it into a sweet hawk, which you'll find a wonderful picture of below. when we finally got it to stand up, it was awesome. so, next i'll probably shave it off and look like a marble rye. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 17,May,2004 | so it's been a while since we've been near civilization, hence the lack of updates on this journal thing... the reason being a broken van in the middle of a walmart parking lot in dover deleware... i figured i'd share a picture with you guys so you could all see the wonder that was the second day of our month long tour... haha.. talk about starting things on a good note.. sorry to all you kids in norfolk virginia.. we tried to get there... we really tried... |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 11,May,2004 | yoder, so we're in the northern of the two carolinas with the duechebags we call paulson. they're fun guys but that guy mike is a real tool. for serious. just kidding, they're a blast. we also saw this kid at the olive garden (we go to chain resturants whenever our van breaks down, which it did, in delaware...sorry to anyone who came to see us in norfolk, va, we were stranded), anyway, so we saw this kid with plugs and dyed black hair, so when we had no place to stay, i called the olive garden and asked to speak to said kid and then asked him if he knew a place we could stay. he did! he said we could stay at his place. so, that is what we did, after hanging out in the pep boys parking lot for many many hours. cut to later that night, and i say, 'hey, you should come on tour,' so he said 'ok,' and it was on. the next morning we left 5 strong for virginia, and showed up to the next show with a new merch guy. meet dan. he's 22, likes the nightmare before christmas, and smokes cigarettes. today we are playing with our buddies 'alli with an i,' at the soap box in wilmington, nc. then a day off, then myrtle beach. life, as always, is both incredible, and insane. every day brings a new smile and a new brow furrow. lets just hope for more of the former and less of the latter. thanks for everything! pj |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 11,May,2004 | After a few failed attempts, I am now officially part of the blog. yeah. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 10,May,2004 | I can't even begin to express how ready I am to get out on the road again. I'm sitting here behind a desk, in my little cubicle-like section of an office, working the nine to five.. This is where I've been for the past three months, and quite honestly I'm sick and tired of always being at someones beck and call. I'm itching for the moment the four of us step into the van, and all the worldly burdens that have come to rest on our shoulders during the past three months disappear. There really is no way to describe the feeling of escaping all the garbage with my three best friends.. For now I should get back to the grind. It seems I have someone else's business to accomplish... but not for long. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 10,May,2004 | so... i made this post once and it got erased, so here's a recap... tonight i rediscovered why leaving for tour is one of the most amazing and most excruciating events in my life. in a few days i will leave with information i almost wish i didn't have, and with a fear that i will return to an empty waste land of jersey life. regardless, i want to thank each and every person who has made this band, and who has made my life amazing. i'm sorry if i sometimes seem mean at shows, please just take it as me dealing with an over active emotional core. regardless, thank you for making everything better, for being part of my life, for letting me be part of yours, and for overriding the fear of leaving, with the excitement of coming. thanks for everything. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 10,May,2004 | thats right. i got this shit down. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 13,June,2004 | Well, that's it. The Outsmarting Simon/Paulson Tour '04 is officially over. I can say that I'm tired and smelly, certainly sad that things had to come to an end, but also glad to be home. I'm looking forward to sleeping in a bed, sleeping in a room without someone else keeping me awake with constant snoring, NOT choking on smoke all the time, wearing clean clothes, and not having to brave the filth of public restrooms. Basically, after a month on the road, I'll certainly enjoy the comforts of being home. Before I forget, I guess I should mention that we still have our show at Hamilton St. this friday. Unfortunately Paulson isn't playing, but we'd love to see some familiar faces...and show you our (perhaps) now unfamiliar ones. Last night ended with a good show in Taunton, MA and then a group outing to Friendly's for food and ice cream. It was an awesome way to end tour, and we had been wanting ice cream the whole time, so it had to be then or not at all. Paulson 'punk'd' us pretty well, and we spent a good while at the gas station trying our best to remove the pudding and jelly from the van. It was gross but, we got them back in so many good ways. Eventually, Greg, Ross and I landed at Greg's house at about 4 am. We wrestled the trailer into his driveway, and tried our best to collect our belongings from the van. Then, it was one final night sleeping in my sleeping bag, and now finally getting home. All in all it was a great tour. We met so many awesome people, experienced new places, and got to tour with a very talented band, and great people. Thanks so much to all the the people that made the shows possible, gave us floors to sleep on, fed us, and watched us at the shows. We could never do this without all your help. Thank you. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 08,June,2004 | ok, so now it's my turn i suppose. anyway, i'm having trouble recalling everying, so i'll dry and go down it. akron, oh stayed with ryan (kid we met at borders) and ashley. thank you guys so much, you are incredible people for taking us in, feeding us and sharing smiles. columbus, oh emily, jenna, nate and everyone we met from the battle of gettysburg (sp?) were incredible people who took us and the amazing guys from marathon in and fed us round pizza cut into squares, and let marathon drink blatz. i shaved my head and cut my gross facial hair into martin lawrence facial hair. kelly cut a mustache. johnstown, pa this place flooded a while ago. we played a fun show, and the chandelier (sp?) swing was awesome as well. those guys are fun to watch. then i went on an actual rope swing. then there was a campfire, and somehow jonah from johnstown decided to seal his fate in our story history by drinking a liter of urine. wow. incredible. disgusting. holy crap. well, he got his wish, the story will be told. somehow i left with more shoes than i came with. philly, pa played dr. watson's pub with all ska bands and a ton of our friends came out. it was so incredible to see everyone, and i felt so good and home. thank you so much to amelia for coming out and filling my belly with lots of food and pabst. all of you, seriously, thank you so much for everything. you are all the reasons i want to come home from tour. then, i got yelled at by the promoter. apparently since we're from new brunswick, we're not on tour. i guess you're not allowed to play close to where you once lived in the middle of tour. also, apparently he has never been treated so rudely or had anyone be as big of a dick to him as me. i'm rather confused, and if i was being rude, i didn't mean it, but when i tried to talk about it and explain/apologize, i got yelled at more. that's all i can do. i'm sorry that the show was soured by people not liking the way i deal with myself and others. after the show we got some food and went to maguire's sister's place. thanks mary ellen, that was fun. then we went out and met up with jaime and leann/leigh ann (not sure which)--the myrtle beach girls. then carla and amanda came out too. i was glad they got to meet some of our home friends and everyone got to hang out. then home friends left for jersey and the rest of us went for more drinks at a place far to swanky for this guy. thank you amelia for everything. thank you everyone from jersey. i love you all so much. thank you jaime, carla, leann and amanda, you guys were a ton of fun and way more generous than anyone could ever ask. thank you michael with an i for coming to hang out with us in georgia. i forgot to write this, but i really mean it man, you're incredible and it was amazing seeing you guys. thank you ryan and ashley for helping us out so much. and if i don't know your name, come up and say hi, so i can thank you too. i love you all. the p. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 03,June,2004 | It seems like we've been on tour forever. I think this is day 25 or day 26... Something like that.. Anyway, a few things have happened since we last updated this thing. First off we played in Johnstown PA, which was a great show.. Much to my suprise, I showed up only to find a band called the Vicars playing.. The interesting thing here is that Scott Benson, also of Ex-Benny's Joyride fame, happens to be in that band.. Now if you don't know who Benny's Joyride was, consider yourself lucky... Haha, basically we are talking about my highschool ska band (huh, huh, pick it up)... I hadn't seen Scott in what must have been years, and quite honestly it was a real pleasure both seeing him and playing with his band. I must say it definitely brought me some fond memories while miles away from home... After the show, some complete absurdity ensued, which I'm not going to bother writing about, because I trust PJ or one of the other guys will fill you in on all the gory details... After Johnstown we made our way down to Philly where tons of friends from home came out. I can't thank you guys enough. I've missed all of you so much, and getting the opportunity to see you really made me so incredibly happy. We also met up with our Philly friends that we met while down in Myrtle beach... As always, they showed us more than a good time, kept us up till sunrise, and got us nice and drunk. You guys are amazing! So yeh, finally after Philly we headed up to Wilkes-Barre, and played a pretty cool show at this place called the zoo. Interestingly enough, the back stage 'band area' was equiped with a wrestling ring and a punching bag, which entertained brian kelly for hours. Alright I've rambled long enough and hopefully recapped a bit of the past few days, so I'm gonna get out of here... |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 03,June,2004 | so i finally beat everyone to this shit. awesome. okay here's my condensed version of the last two days. got to philly. loaded up a lot of stairs. lots of friends showed up. had some fun. met some rad kids. met some not so rad kids. got fed by my sister. fell asleep while everyone else went out to party. went out and found everybody. left. went out again and found everybody. left. went to bed. walked 30 blocks to find everybody again. slept all the way to the next show. loaded up even more stairs. rocked. slept all the way to our next destination. which is my house which is really weird but it was on the way so we figured we'd come eat and shower for free. so now i'm being heckled by my cat as has been the case for the last six months of my life but little does she know i'm leaving for another week very very soon. i'm quite sure i left out a lot of details so i'll leave that to everyone else. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 03,June,2004 | remind me next time i start a band to not be the only dude that wants to listen to hatebreed. or maybe just remind me to stop listening to hatebreed. i don't really have much else to say, sorry. although i must admit i am excited to actually start playing again. and i also want to go back to sleep. and i also want to go back to the olive garden. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 01,June,2004 | So, we're out here in Kent, Ohio and we'll be playing in Akron later today. Thanks to PJ's persistence, we found a place to stay and we are all well rested and clean. The weather has cooled off a bit, at least from the 90+ degrees it had been in FL, and we are all thankful for that. We stayed with the Burton's aunt and uncle the other day, and got fed until we could eat no more. They were super nice, and took great care of us. Unfortunately, we all feel pretty terrible about what happened to Paulson. Then end result is they went home yesterday morning. They might be meeting back up with us later, but nothing is certain at this point. As much as we would all love to meet up with them later, it's more important that they take care of everything back home, and be there for each other. It's strange, because as much as we've been touring on our own before, it seems exceptionally odd now since Paulson had to leave under such terrible circumstance. In the meantime, I hope everything goes as well as it can for them, and we'll all try our hardest to keep things going for them the best we can. They will be missed. On a lighter note, we all enjoyed a killer meal at the Olive Garden, thanks to Dan's 25% discount. We also watched a ridiculous Kung Fu movie at Ryan's last night. It was awesome. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 01,June,2004 | hey all, today we're in akron, oh. we drove here last night after we left paulson. on that note, unfortunately paulson had a family situation that they had to deal, and so they will not be playing the next few shows with us. whenver they are ready, they will hop back on the tour, but until then, our hearts are with you guys. so, outside of cincinnati, jesse and alex's aunt and uncle put us up for the night and made us an incredible dinner and bought us beer and wine. they are some of the sweetest people, and we really appreciated everything. then we split up with paulson yesterday, and drove for akron, hoping we could find a place to stay. we tried the olive garden, because we had success with dan there last time, and plus, he was able to get us a discount. that didn't work too well, so we headed for the borders after dinner, and after just about giving up, i asked some kid who looked kind of indie if he knew anyone who might be willing to help some kids out. after a few questions, he said we could stay with him. this is getting ridiculous. we've realize we've gone from asking people we know, to asking complete strangers who aren't even at shows. so, next is to just walk up to houses and ask point blank. hehe, we're jackasses. anyway, that's about it. thanks to ryan and zach for having us. oh yea, zach and his girlfriend have a really cute puppy named salvadore, and he has six toes on his left leg. it's so cute and gross at the same time. ok, that's it. have a great day. patricio |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 01,June,2004 | So, we are on day 2 of our 3 days (in a row) off and things are going well. The show with Black Cross was an awesome time, and things went as well as they could have. Greg's amp wasn't working, but now, after a trip to home depot, some solder and a new switch, it should be back in action. I purchased a Black Cross skate deck for $15 which was a killer deal. On that note, PJ, Jeff, and I hit up the Louisville Extreme Park last night and it was indeed gnarly. They had a full pipe, vert ramp and insane bowl and street course. I was busting out my standard frontside 50-50 and backside boardside and trying to hold things down the best I could. There were little kids tearing it up though. Also, my current deck is now on its way out, so it's a good thing I picked up the new deck the other day. Louisville is really a pretty cool city, and we've had some fun walking about the downtown and just checking things out. They are big on horse statues which I assume is related to the whole KY derby thing. We also passed the Louisville Slugger Museum. Oh, and we also met the bass player from VAST yesterday. I'm betting one of the other dudes related the story in full, so I won't go into detail here. Nonetheless, the whole experience was quite ridiculous. To his credit, the dude was super nice and seemed to just enjoy talking to us. But, it's always bizarre talking to one of the big time guys. Point and case: they are on Carson Daly's label and the dude asked us if we had a tour bus. Ha. He also went on to explain how Hanson (yes, the mmmbop kids) had it rough and 'took it in the ass' to get out of there major label deal. I never knew Hanson had so much cred. Well, we are off to Ohio, I think. We need to clean ourselves, our clothes, and the van, so if all goes well, that will happen soon. |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 01,June,2004 | So it's been a little over two weeks on the road with the Paulson guys. Technically it hasn't been a long time, yet I feel like we've been out forever. I think the constant change of scenary and time zones can do that to you. Right now we are still in Louisville, hanging out in a public library. I can't complain though... Air conditioning and comfortable seats are I need these days. Plus I have a good spot to sit back and delve into the world of Dostoevsky.. He seems to be my tour buddy. This time, I'm reading 'The Idiot', and as always I'm blown away.. So anyway, a few days ago at the Black Cross show, I got all my gear set up, and went to turn on my amp, only to find that the switch was destroyed and there was no way in hell my head was going to turn on. I'm happy to say after the purchase of a soldering iron, and some parts at the home depot, I'm back in action.. I knew that engineering degree would eventually do something for me.. Okay, I think I'm about done with my rambling.. Ewwww... except one more thing.. I've been sporting PJ's New Balances for the past month, including a good portion of time sockless in the sweaty van, and christ, I just got this horendous whif of what must be my shoes.. Haha.. I really pity all the people sitting around me... Alright, now that i've left you all with that pleasant image, I'm out... |
3,288,645 | male | 23 | indUnk | Cancer | 01,June,2004 | i'm sure in the next few moments you will be reading an entry from each of us, because we are in a library right now, and all have interweb access. so, here are some highlights of the last day or so... yesterday paulson went to eat with andy initial, since he didn't take them out the other night due to what turned out to be about 25 tornados. we watched yet another indiana jones movie that night, by the way, which ruled, obviously. yesterday while they were eating, we drove to indiana by mistake, then went to home depot so greg could fix his ever breaking head, due to bumping around in the trailer. we then ate at cici's, $3.99 all-you-can eat pizza, pasta, salad and dessert buffet. ridiculous, right? after climbing the wall behind target, we headed back to louisville and walked around. greg saw what he called an 'awesome roof,' so we found it, and it turned out to be a hard rock cafe and pedestrian area. there was a stage set up for what seemed to be some sort of out of doors rock and roll event. while meandering around, this guy came up to me and asked if we were playing. now, at this point in tour, i'm wondering if we have signs on our backs or something, because everywhere we go, everyone knows we're in a band. what the hell? how do they know this? anyway, he talked to me for about 10 minutes or so, and then said he was kidding, and that he played bass for the band that was going to perform. they were called VAST, and i had never heard of them, and thought they were probably cheesy. i hope i didn't say anything like that to him though. so, he basically bragged to us for a half hour about getting lots of girls and hanging out with taylor hanson. we decided later that we should hang out and get into the 'after party,' so we called paulson to meet up with us so we could do so. but, then we got bored, so we went to get food and found free books, and then headed back to the patterson household so we could take advantage of their kindness once again. after eating a bit of their food and hanging out, a bunch of us went with them to this go karting place, and everyone went wild. they had also told us of a sick skate park, so kelly, jeff (paulson) and i headed down to it. holy shit, this was the biggest park i had ever seen. they had a full pipe. a full pipe!! how crazy is that? anyway, it was after midnight, and there was still a ton of kids there, even awesome girls skating! jeff and i just messed around in the bowl, while kelly pulled a few tricks. i'll put up some pictures if i get a chance soon. damn, it ruled. anyway, then we went back and watched 'the rise and fall of gator.' needless to say, it was quite a skating night. so, thats about it, today we got up and got some food and are now at the library. as you can see, we're not the most exciting people. tonight we're going to jesse and alex's (paulson) aunt's house in cinncinatti, ohio. supposedly they're very conservative, so i have to watch my mouth. oh well. hope all is well. be good and stay safe the pourpoise |
4,199,376 | female | 14 | Chemicals | Scorpio | 18,August,2004 | oH GEEZ. LIFE IS GOOD! And I can't w8 until high school! Yippee! Cuz I will get to see SAM!!! I lobe Sam!!! HEHEHEHEHEH!!! * SCARY EVIL GIRLEY LAUGH* (don't ask). *sigh* Love........it's a wonderful thing! |
4,199,376 | female | 14 | Chemicals | Scorpio | 15,August,2004 | I'm very happy to say that I am all better! YAY!!! We'll have to trow a party later!!! hehehehehhe. jkjkjkjk. wow. Summer is actually almost over!!!! :( . How depressing. Well at least we will be able to start High School. Yee-Haw!!!! |
4,199,376 | female | 14 | Chemicals | Scorpio | 12,August,2004 | I am very sad right now. Due to my current illness, I am to miss out on my dive trip to Mexico. It is bad in some ways, but also good in others. I guess we should start with the bad........ 1. Stuck with my parents for the rest of the summer 2. Miss out on some awesome diving spots 3. I have to miss out on my only vacation this summer Ok, now to the good...... 1. I will not have to worry about being so far away from home if I start getting really sick 2. I will be close to mom 3. There will be more time to go school clothes shopping :) 4. I will not have to miss my 9th grade orientation 5. I can spend more of my summer with other friends besides Alyssa!!! Well, at least the good over rules the bad! hehehehe. Now I don't feel so upset about having to stay home. I know that I got sick for a reason and it might just be the fact that God does not want me to go to Mexico. Maybe He is really doing me a favor by keeping me here in the states. All I know is that my life is in His hands and I know that He will help guide me through the hard times. Since I am already on a roll with writing, I would like to say how very thankful I am to have my mother. She means so much to me and it makes me sad because without meaning it, I kind of forget how important she is to me a lot. It's funny because at times like these, when I am sick or down, she is always there to comfort me and do all she can to make me smile. I defiantly owe God a lot for blessing me with such a good mother. If it weren't for her, who knows where I'd be right now. Surely I'd be lost without her. I LUV u mom!!! :) |
4,199,376 | female | 14 | Chemicals | Scorpio | 11,August,2004 | Oooooo! My stomach hurts really bad. I think that I have some type of stomach flu or sumthing. Hopefully it will go away by Friday b/c that is when I leave with my friend Alyssa to go diving in Mexico. Man, that would suck on ice if I had to stay home and miss my vacation. EEEK! |
4,199,376 | female | 14 | Chemicals | Scorpio | 10,August,2004 | Omg!!! POP TARTS are so freaking awesome!!! I REALLY like the french toast kind!!! MUAHAHAHA!!! Me at Haley's right now and we r hyper and feelin' blogtastic from all of the berry pie we ate!!!! hehehehehehehe! |
4,210,174 | male | 15 | indUnk | Scorpio | 21,August,2004 | Today I hanged out with jason and took a long bike ride. I was about to kit a freshy but I decided to walk away. SHould have could have but didn't hit him. Shit happens then you die. I watch finding nemo a very good urlLink movie . I thought it was funny. The veryend after the urlLink credit laugh my ass off. Then I watch scary urlLink movie 2 I liked the box fighting with that black cat. Just about the only funny part. Dan couldn't hang out so we went to mandys urlLink house and that was about it. |
4,210,174 | male | 15 | indUnk | Scorpio | 20,August,2004 | I help my mom out a lot today it was kinda fun, then she yelled at me like a nut. Then she said sorry. That was about my day. I downloaded a lot of urlLink games on the emulator I got it got a lot of good urlLink games all mega man urlLink games and almost all mario urlLink games those are fun and I made a few bucks today too! sorry not much to talk about. |
4,210,174 | male | 15 | indUnk | Scorpio | 19,August,2004 | Well I didn't go to urlLink school today. So I played on the urlLink internet got a very nice emulator for nintendo and super nintendo and got a lot of good urlLink games . I watched shrek two and It was a good as a new urlLink dvd . jason has it now though. I like pussyboots dan would like the urlLink movie because of him. I am going to hell I found that out. I steal so much from urlLink people , Dvds that aren't realed yet, freeware and emulators of my old favorate urlLink games and I burn new pc urlLink games . But I don't try to hurt anyone. Yes I also burn cds. I dont like the idea of buying a urlLink cd and not liking it so I burn all Dan's cds. I know its some what wrong but everyone steals it human nature. I think all this carp on urlLink people who urlLink download urlLink music is retarded. I found a site in russia where all urlLink music is a nickle but the only reason I dont do that is because its in russia No way I can get my urlLink money back if I screw up. and that is how much an MC make if they sell a urlLink cd that happen to TRL in 95 I think. But I do help out a lot of urlLink people . When Mandy lost her cell I helppd her find it. And I help my Mom out and if Jason or Dan needed help I help them or at least try too! So I be in where ever. Wait were in hell now. |
4,210,174 | male | 15 | indUnk | Scorpio | 18,August,2004 | Today was boring. I have a lot of good teachers and I am in a few classes with some good friends Kevin is still short. I haven't done that much stuff today. I didn't see dipshit on the bus or inside school. I downloaded a emulator and now all I have to do is get a few games on it. Hopefully I will get megaman x, x2, x3 if I do I will never leave the house. Except for my top ten favorite things to do list. That that about it. My mom and dad are doing good. And I have burned Dans 2 games so that is about it for me but I still cant wait for my dipshit dude across the street to go to school and I can't go to school tomorrow though which sucks for me I like school this year I really enjoy it I know I am turning onto Dan. Everyone I didn't see in summer change some way. Drew got his ear pierced with looks gay on him and Ben got Acme and my Acme cleared up a little. |
4,210,174 | male | 15 | indUnk | Scorpio | 17,August,2004 | Today summer ended. It are sadest but the cool thing about summer ending is school starts a new and dipshit is in high school have fun getting beat up a lot. LOL Dan and myself Jason and MR. T hanged out together most of the day which was cool. I like to hang out with friends. My favorite things to do 1 Hang out with friends. 2 go to beach. 3 swim. 4 sleep. 5 eat more. 6 play sports. 7 play video games. 8 watch family guy. 9 Go to races with my dad. 10 eat. Just a little things about me. I also like long walks on the beach or a short pier. Little Katie joke there. O well sorry Katie yell at Dan for that. I did a lot of stuff this summer. I met booby and Katie for like a hour. Went to 6 flags with Dan and Jason. Went to a water park with Dan and met some crazy people. I would have went to the worp tour with Dan but I went to Orlando FL for a week and went to Disney and the beach and got sun burned all over my back. Went to Wisconsin dell and went on a duck (a vehicle that can go in water and go on top of land.)and went to Noah ark water park. Helped at a church and got bite by a kid and kicked and went I blocked the kick the girl fell and I got yelled at a bite for nothing and I yelled back. Well tomorrow we have to go on a Nazi bus drivers bus. That's going to suck so bad. What a bucking Nazi. I'll try to get a pic of the Nazi on put it on the blog if I can. O one my this 'it are sadest' is put there for a joke ask Dan. |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.