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1,514 | 302 | 0.9 | 1,514 |
so no one is home, i do what every teenager who is well raised with a loving family and a nice home would do, i load up some sweet mobile pornhub and go for a quiet one in the toilet as i want no mess, and easy clean up and i have a busy day ahead of me. so there i am spanking it to a milf getting pummelled by a black guy, and it's going well. the wank is just about to end smoothly, so all my attention is focused on having the most pleasurable climax possible, and the grip on my iphone begins to weaken, and as i valiantly let out a ripper of a jizz, my phone slips from the firm grip that once was, catches a bit of jizz on the way down, bounces around the bowl and falls into a pool of toilet water and 10am cum. the screen goes blank, the gorgeous milf that was taking 10 inches just to pleasure me disappears into darkness, and my recently purchased $600 phone, with no insurance dies with it.
|
having a snappy with phone in hand in the toilet and i drop it in as i cum.
|
having an expensive wank
|
[
"so no one is home, i do what every teenager who is",
"well raised with a loving family and a nice home",
"would do, i load up some sweet mobile pornhub and",
"go for a quiet one in the toilet as i want no",
"mess, and easy clean up and i have a busy day",
"ahead of me. so there i am spanking it to a milf",
"getting pummelled by a black guy, and it's going",
"well. the wank is just about to end smoothly, so",
"all my attention is focused on having the most",
"pleasurable climax possible, and the grip on my",
"iphone begins to weaken, and as i valiantly let",
"out a ripper of a jizz, my phone slips from the",
"firm grip that once was, catches a bit of jizz on",
"the way down, bounces around the bowl and falls",
"into a pool of toilet water and 10am cum. the",
"screen goes blank, the gorgeous milf that was",
"taking 10 inches just to pleasure me disappears",
"into darkness, and my recently purchased $600",
"phone, with no insurance dies with it."
] |
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go for a quiet one in the toilet as i want no phone, with no insurance dies with it.
|
16 | 16 | 0.81 | 16 |
so i go to a great school and am far behind due to a long medical leave of absence. i came back trying to internally transfer to the business school and needed to get a 3.0 gpa in order to do so. i just got my grades back today and found out that i got 3 b's and a b- to give me a 2.97 gpa. i didn't get in and will have to withdraw out of the university because i cannot afford to start fresh in another major. the worst part about it is that in one of my classes i got a 87.25% which is .25 points away from rounding up to an 88% which would give me the 3.0 gpa i need to get in to the business school. now i have a shit load of student loan debt with not degree to help me pay it off.
|
i am dropping out of college because i am .25 points short in getting into the major that i completely invested myself into.
|
ruining my chance of having a good future.
|
[
"so i go to a great school and am far behind due to",
"a long medical leave of absence. i came back",
"trying to internally transfer to the business",
"school and needed to get a 3.0 gpa in order to do",
"so. i just got my grades back today and found out",
"that i got 3 b's and a b- to give me a 2.97 gpa.",
"i didn't get in and will have to withdraw out of",
"the university because i cannot afford to start",
"fresh in another major. the worst part about it",
"is that in one of my classes i got a 87.25% which",
"is .25 points away from rounding up to an 88%",
"which would give me the 3.0 gpa i need to get in",
"to the business school. now i have a shit load of",
"student loan debt with not degree to help me pay",
"it off."
] |
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i didn't get in and will have to withdraw out of the university because i cannot afford to start is .25 points away from rounding up to an 88%
|
131 | 45 | 0.89 | 131 |
so i'm typing this now because i couldn't use my right arm on thursday.
i'm in highschool gym class and we are playing football, its only second period and the grass we are on is still wet from the morning dew. i am a distance runner but we have to play football to get a grade. just playing, i sprint after this guy going for the touch down, i miss him, i slip right on my behind about five feet and hurt my left wrist. no big deal, just walked it off. kept playing. coach wasn't watching so we started tackling. one of the guys who was on football just starts rolling down midfield like a freight train. i get the bright idea in my head, skinny, runner me says "i can stop him". i run at him full speed, he doesn't see me, we connect!
i don't remember getting hit but i hear i had air time. couple seconds later i land on my right arm and my left wrist, again. i get up really quickly and my collar bone feels wrong immediately. "hey derp, are you ok?" the others ask. i feel the collar bone, definitely broken. fast forward, nurse's office, nurse looks at me, nurse calls mom, mom takes me to er, totally out of it at this point. they give me two shots of morphine in both arms, but they can't give me a lot because i have never had a strong painkiller before, or been in a hospital. the x- ray at this point has confirmed my collarbone is broken, so they get this medieval torture device that will hold my shoulder in place. nearly pass out. i get some time to contemplate the fact that me and my right hand are gonna have a hard time doing finals. i also got a wrist brace and a sling for my right arm when i am up and about. it seems to be healing but going to the restroom, showering, washing my hands, eating, taking a dump (is extremely agonizing), coughing, sneezing, and even laughing hurts. balls.
edit: yeah and cross country practice is gonna start again soon, and i can't go to practice now either.
|
i tried to block a football player running at full speed and broke my right collarbone and sprained my left wrist before finals.
|
trying to take down a football player.
|
[
"so i'm typing this now because i couldn't use my",
"right arm on thursday.",
"i'm in highschool gym class and we are playing",
"football, its only second period and the grass we",
"are on is still wet from the morning dew. i am a",
"distance runner but we have to play football to",
"get a grade. just playing, i sprint after this",
"guy going for the touch down, i miss him, i slip",
"right on my behind about five feet and hurt my",
"left wrist. no big deal, just walked it off. kept",
"playing. coach wasn't watching so we started",
"tackling. one of the guys who was on football",
"just starts rolling down midfield like a freight",
"train. i get the bright idea in my head, skinny,",
"runner me says \"i can stop him\". i run at him",
"full speed, he doesn't see me, we connect!",
"i don't remember getting hit but i hear i had air",
"time. couple seconds later i land on my right arm",
"and my left wrist, again. i get up really quickly",
"and my collar bone feels wrong immediately. \"hey",
"derp, are you ok?\" the others ask. i feel the",
"collar bone, definitely broken. fast forward,",
"nurse's office, nurse looks at me, nurse calls",
"mom, mom takes me to er, totally out of it at",
"this point. they give me two shots of morphine in",
"both arms, but they can't give me a lot because i",
"have never had a strong painkiller before, or",
"been in a hospital. the x- ray at this point has",
"confirmed my collarbone is broken, so they get",
"this medieval torture device that will hold my",
"shoulder in place. nearly pass out. i get some",
"time to contemplate the fact that me and my right",
"hand are gonna have a hard time doing finals. i",
"also got a wrist brace and a sling for my right",
"arm when i am up and about. it seems to be",
"healing but going to the restroom, showering,",
"washing my hands, eating, taking a dump (is",
"extremely agonizing), coughing, sneezing, and",
"even laughing hurts. balls.",
"edit: yeah and cross country practice is gonna",
"start again soon, and i can't go to practice now",
"either."
] |
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full speed, he doesn't see me, we connect! and my left wrist, again. i get up really quickly time to contemplate the fact that me and my right
|
26 | 10 | 0.74 | 26 |
this actually happened last week, but i only discovered this subreddit a few days ago, so yeah.
anyway, i'm currently a senior in college and have only had one serious girlfiend in that time. as far as i can determine, the reason for my lack of a relationship is a combination of things. these being: i'm shy, i'm kind of an asshole, i can never take a hint, i always assume the girl likes someone else. basically, i'm a person who sabotages himself.
anyway, there's this girl, she shall thus be known as m, that i've known for a few years now and though we've been friends that whole time, we only really started hanging out a lot a few months ago. we eat lunch together every day and enjoy each other's company. we also tell each other about our lives and the goings-on in them and try and give each other advice to get through problems we may be having. i could go on, but i won't.
last weekend, i invited her over to my place to watch some movies and drink some wine together. she says it sounds like a good idea and comes over. the night starts out pretty normally with us talking a bit and then watching a movie. soon enough, the wine is broken out and we go through 2 bottles in relatively short order. at this point, given that we are both light-weights, we're pretty drunk. we proceed to talk about how our romantic lives are shitty and how we just haven't been able to find the perfect person yet even though we've been trying. m has actually dated people and tried to find good relationships while i've just been a shy loser and wished i'd date more. as the night goes on, we talk about ourselves and how we see ourselves and how we see each other's personalities. this leads to talking about what our ideal partners are like and lo and behold, we seem to be describing each other. what i mean is, everything we'd said about ourselves was being used to describe our ideal partners.
being the oblivious idiot that i am, i had also failed to notice that she had been moving closer to me on the couch (or had i been moving closer to her? i don't really know, i was kind of drunk). there were lots of moments where we would stare at each other and not say anything though once again, this may be attributed to the drunkenness.
throughout the night, i'd thought about leaning over and kissing her, but i couldn't bring myself to do it because being me, the only thing i could think of was how she probably didn't even like me and how she probably just considered me a close friend that she could talk to about anything. she left about 5 hours after arriving to go out to bars with some other friends of hers.
now, all i do is think about how i should have at least tried to kiss her and seen how things turned out. if it worked, awesome, if not, less awesome, but at least i'd know.
edit: removed useless detail
|
had a girl i like over to my house. we drank and watched movies. things seemed to point to me being able to make a move but i didn't because i was too afraid. i still don't know if she likes me too.**
|
not making a move
|
[
"this actually happened last week, but i only",
"discovered this subreddit a few days ago, so",
"yeah.",
"anyway, i'm currently a senior in college and",
"have only had one serious girlfiend in that time.",
"as far as i can determine, the reason for my lack",
"of a relationship is a combination of things.",
"these being: i'm shy, i'm kind of an asshole, i",
"can never take a hint, i always assume the girl",
"likes someone else. basically, i'm a person who",
"sabotages himself.",
"anyway, there's this girl, she shall thus be",
"known as m, that i've known for a few years now",
"and though we've been friends that whole time, we",
"only really started hanging out a lot a few",
"months ago. we eat lunch together every day and",
"enjoy each other's company. we also tell each",
"other about our lives and the goings-on in them",
"and try and give each other advice to get through",
"problems we may be having. i could go on, but i",
"won't.",
"last weekend, i invited her over to my place to",
"watch some movies and drink some wine together.",
"she says it sounds like a good idea and comes",
"over. the night starts out pretty normally with",
"us talking a bit and then watching a movie. soon",
"enough, the wine is broken out and we go through",
"2 bottles in relatively short order. at this",
"point, given that we are both light-weights,",
"we're pretty drunk. we proceed to talk about how",
"our romantic lives are shitty and how we just",
"haven't been able to find the perfect person yet",
"even though we've been trying. m has actually",
"dated people and tried to find good relationships",
"while i've just been a shy loser and wished i'd",
"date more. as the night goes on, we talk about",
"ourselves and how we see ourselves and how we see",
"each other's personalities. this leads to talking",
"about what our ideal partners are like and lo and",
"behold, we seem to be describing each other. what",
"i mean is, everything we'd said about ourselves",
"was being used to describe our ideal partners.",
"being the oblivious idiot that i am, i had also",
"failed to notice that she had been moving closer",
"to me on the couch (or had i been moving closer",
"to her? i don't really know, i was kind of",
"drunk). there were lots of moments where we would",
"stare at each other and not say anything though",
"once again, this may be attributed to the",
"drunkenness.",
"throughout the night, i'd thought about leaning",
"over and kissing her, but i couldn't bring myself",
"to do it because being me, the only thing i could",
"think of was how she probably didn't even like me",
"and how she probably just considered me a close",
"friend that she could talk to about anything. she",
"left about 5 hours after arriving to go out to",
"bars with some other friends of hers.",
"now, all i do is think about how i should have at",
"least tried to kiss her and seen how things",
"turned out. if it worked, awesome, if not, less",
"awesome, but at least i'd know.",
"edit: removed useless detail"
] |
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of a relationship is a combination of things. last weekend, i invited her over to my place to to her? i don't really know, i was kind of over and kissing her, but i couldn't bring myself think of was how she probably didn't even like me
|
552 | 128 | 0.93 | 552 |
so today i was playing golf with some friends, having a great time and all until i come across a baby turtle that had somehow flipped over in the middle of the fairway. it was pretty hot outside (75-80) so i thought, "fuck it, i'm saving this little guy." so i pick up this baby turtle, and walk with it for the rest of the hole until i show my friends and share ideas of what we will do with it. all my friends suggestions were shit so i just went with my own idea which was to put him in the nearby pond so maybe he can find some other turtles and start a new life. i drop him 2-3 feet off of a small bridge into the water, small tears coming from my eyes, and wish the little guy the best of luck in his new life. walking away, i turn around to see him still in his shell, not moving about 1 foot underwater. i wait for him to come out of his shell and swim off, but he won't come out and still stays in the same place. after a couple of minutes, his shell turns upside down, and sinks to the bottom. i still to this hour have no idea if he was fucking with me or i had just drowned a baby turtle.
|
tried to save a baby turtle by putting him in a pond, drowned the son of a bitch
|
trying to save an animals life
|
[
"so today i was playing golf with some friends,",
"having a great time and all until i come across a",
"baby turtle that had somehow flipped over in the",
"middle of the fairway. it was pretty hot outside",
"(75-80) so i thought, \"fuck it, i'm saving this",
"little guy.\" so i pick up this baby turtle, and",
"walk with it for the rest of the hole until i",
"show my friends and share ideas of what we will",
"do with it. all my friends suggestions were shit",
"so i just went with my own idea which was to put",
"him in the nearby pond so maybe he can find some",
"other turtles and start a new life. i drop him",
"2-3 feet off of a small bridge into the water,",
"small tears coming from my eyes, and wish the",
"little guy the best of luck in his new life.",
"walking away, i turn around to see him still in",
"his shell, not moving about 1 foot underwater. i",
"wait for him to come out of his shell and swim",
"off, but he won't come out and still stays in",
"the same place. after a couple of minutes, his",
"shell turns upside down, and sinks to the bottom.",
"i still to this hour have no idea if he was",
"fucking with me or i had just drowned a baby",
"turtle."
] |
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him in the nearby pond so maybe he can find some fucking with me or i had just drowned a baby
|
184 | 32 | 0.93 | 184 |
i planted some grass seed last week and had to water it. i also bought a pocket hose, because although i am neither 5 nor 75 years old, i *am* a lady who does not enjoy lugging 50 pounds of garden hose around the fucking yard. judge me.
anyway, i figured this would take all of 5 minutes and since the patch is close to the back door of my house, i didn't bother putting a bra on beneath my white t-shirt. you can all see where this is going, right? i attached the hose and tightly screwed my spray nozzle into place. the pocket hose has a lever on the end which opens the valve, which i had set to off. precautions, man: i swear i took 'em all - except possibly the best one, which would have been not buying a hose with plastic connnections.
i turned on the water, raised the hose, hit the lever... and the connector for the sprayer nozzle immediately rocketed off into space - but before it did, it had the comedic decency to blast a jet of freezing fucking water right across the front of my t-shirt.
annnd at that minute, the next-door neighbor rounded the corner of his house and was met with an unobstructed view of my high beams. so that was fun.
fuck you, pocket hose. why are your connections even plastic.
|
wet t-shirt party in my yard, courtesy of a fucking hose i bought on television. how do you like dem nipples, mister neighbor?**
|
using a pocket hose
|
[
"i planted some grass seed last week and had to",
"water it. i also bought a pocket hose, because",
"although i am neither 5 nor 75 years old, i *am*",
"a lady who does not enjoy lugging 50 pounds of",
"garden hose around the fucking yard. judge me.",
"anyway, i figured this would take all of 5",
"minutes and since the patch is close to the back",
"door of my house, i didn't bother putting a bra",
"on beneath my white t-shirt. you can all see",
"where this is going, right? i attached the hose",
"and tightly screwed my spray nozzle into place.",
"the pocket hose has a lever on the end which",
"opens the valve, which i had set to off.",
"precautions, man: i swear i took 'em all - except",
"possibly the best one, which would have been not",
"buying a hose with plastic connnections.",
"i turned on the water, raised the hose, hit the",
"lever... and the connector for the sprayer nozzle",
"immediately rocketed off into space - but before",
"it did, it had the comedic decency to blast a jet",
"of freezing fucking water right across the front",
"of my t-shirt.",
"annnd at that minute, the next-door neighbor",
"rounded the corner of his house and was met with",
"an unobstructed view of my high beams. so that",
"was fun.",
"fuck you, pocket hose. why are your connections",
"even plastic."
] |
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water it. i also bought a pocket hose, because garden hose around the fucking yard. judge me. of my t-shirt.
|
81 | 28 | 0.82 | 81 |
my girlfriend and i went to a party tonight, but took separate cars since i was heading there from home and she went there straight from work. on the way home, we were at a stop light next to each other and decided to have a drag race, totally not noticing that there was a cop a couple cars behind us. right when i hit the 45 mph speed limit and let off the gas, i saw the lights behind us.
"both cars pull over" blared from the cop car.
fuck me. here comes the several hundred dollar fine combined with my insurance rates going sky high if i'm lucky, potential arrest for reckless driving if i'm unlucky.
apparently, we were really lucky. the cops had us both step out of our cars and he just gave us a short lecture about safer driving at night. i think they were amused because they were expecting two teenagers showing off, not a 30-year old couple driving home. my girlfriend said that when the cop asked her what she was doing, she said "flirting?"
edit: in case anyone cares, i won the race but not by much. she drives a subaru outback, powered by a 3.0 liter h6 engine, versus my suzuki esteem, with a 1.8l 4-banger. she has a lot more power (212 hp vs 122 hp), but also a ton more weight (3715 lbs vs 2385 lbs).
|
had a street race with my girlfriend, got caught by cops, only got a short lecture
|
street racing with my girlfriend
|
[
"my girlfriend and i went to a party tonight, but",
"took separate cars since i was heading there",
"from home and she went there straight from work.",
"on the way home, we were at a stop light next to",
"each other and decided to have a drag race,",
"totally not noticing that there was a cop a",
"couple cars behind us. right when i hit the 45",
"mph speed limit and let off the gas, i saw the",
"lights behind us.",
"\"both cars pull over\" blared from the cop car.",
"fuck me. here comes the several hundred dollar",
"fine combined with my insurance rates going sky",
"high if i'm lucky, potential arrest for reckless",
"driving if i'm unlucky.",
"apparently, we were really lucky. the cops had",
"us both step out of our cars and he just gave us",
"a short lecture about safer driving at night. i",
"think they were amused because they were",
"expecting two teenagers showing off, not a",
"30-year old couple driving home. my girlfriend",
"said that when the cop asked her what she was",
"doing, she said \"flirting?\"",
"edit: in case anyone cares, i won the race but",
"not by much. she drives a subaru outback,",
"powered by a 3.0 liter h6 engine, versus my",
"suzuki esteem, with a 1.8l 4-banger. she has a",
"lot more power (212 hp vs 122 hp), but also a ton",
"more weight (3715 lbs vs 2385 lbs)."
] |
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a short lecture about safer driving at night. i 30-year old couple driving home. my girlfriend
|
17 | 10 | 0.69 | 17 |
so this guy asked me to be his boyfriend. a heated, tension-filled conversation ensued. eventually, i turned him down. after all of this, he asked me an unrelated question. i planned on finding out the answer, and so i intended to respond with the phrase "one sec." so, apparently, android doesn't recognize "sec" as an adequate phrase. but in its mind, a proper replacement would be the word "sex." so after turning down this guy, i responded "one sex." he thought i was asking for a one night stand. i can't even. and then, he responded saying he would love that. i wasn't sure if i was supposed to embarass him more, or what, so i just said nevermind, cause, you know, yolo and shit. i ended up panicking and blocking his number. that is all.
|
i spent five minutes on this. read it, dammit.
|
not disabling spell check
|
[
"so this guy asked me to be his boyfriend. a",
"heated, tension-filled conversation ensued.",
"eventually, i turned him down. after all of",
"this, he asked me an unrelated question. i",
"planned on finding out the answer, and so i",
"intended to respond with the phrase \"one sec.\"",
"so, apparently, android doesn't recognize \"sec\"",
"as an adequate phrase. but in its mind, a proper",
"replacement would be the word \"sex.\" so after",
"turning down this guy, i responded \"one sex.\" he",
"thought i was asking for a one night stand. i",
"can't even. and then, he responded saying he",
"would love that. i wasn't sure if i was supposed",
"to embarass him more, or what, so i just said",
"nevermind, cause, you know, yolo and shit. i",
"ended up panicking and blocking his number. that",
"is all."
] |
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this, he asked me an unrelated question. i
|
0 | 2 | 0.2 | 0 |
so the other day was a normal day like any other. but when i got home, i was feeling the need to fap. so i got my business done and went on with some other stuff. the rest of the day was boring so the only thing left for me to do was fap again, and again. i usually only fapped once a day but i went ahead and did three. everything was fine.... until the next day. i woke up to take my morning piss and my dick was swollen. i was flipping out. whenever i took a piss it hurt so fucking bad and it felt like a had a golf ball in the middle of my dick. the swelling slowly went down as the day went on. i learned a valuable lesson that day.
|
fapped too much = puffy dick
|
fapping too much
|
[
"so the other day was a normal day like any other.",
"but when i got home, i was feeling the need to",
"fap. so i got my business done and went on with",
"some other stuff. the rest of the day was boring",
"so the only thing left for me to do was fap",
"again, and again. i usually only fapped once a",
"day but i went ahead and did three. everything",
"was fine.... until the next day. i woke up to",
"take my morning piss and my dick was swollen. i",
"was flipping out. whenever i took a piss it hurt",
"so fucking bad and it felt like a had a golf ball",
"in the middle of my dick. the swelling slowly",
"went down as the day went on. i learned a",
"valuable lesson that day."
] |
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again, and again. i usually only fapped once a
|
44 | 10 | 0.85 | 44 |
this was actually sunday, but who's counting?
this past sunday a coworker and friend of mine got married. beautiful ceremony, right on tampa bay etc etc.
open bar weddings are my favorite.
i get pretty shitty at the reception along with a lot of other people. we closed the club/restaurant down and a sizable group of us are looking to get into some more trouble. including most of the bridal party. we go back to the hotel, more drinks, then walk to another hotel which had a bar still open in it. more drinks etc.
next thing i fucking know i'm getting out of a car in front of one of the nicer strip clubs in town (as far as i know anyway) called 2001 odyssey... sci-fi is cool right? anyway, i was there with two of the groom's friends, that i hardly know at all. we'd met a few weeks prior for the bachelor party weekend in ft.lauderdale.
so we go in and immediately are picked up by a girl each. now at this point, i don't remember seeing the two other dudes again. the next thing i remember is i'm in a private room with this very hot, young, stripper. she looks like the kind of girl i would like to date. wasn't a porn start or anything like. she was just really beautiful etc. anyway prior to going into the room, i vaguely remember a conversation about this costing $400, which i wasn't too concern with.
later on when things were going down that same other girl comes back in and explains some other charge to me (i have no idea what, but i just agreed with everything they asked me) my girl takes a break at some point to go get something, and that's when i pulled out my phone and text my best friend "i think i'm at a strip club"... that was the last i remember seeing me phone.
she comes back in, things resume, whatever.
next thing i know i'm being walked outside by the bouncer as they're closing up and i was the last one there. i get helped to a cab and get whisked off into the night... or so you'd think.
i dont remember the conversation, but, apparently i was talking over payment with the cab driver and he pulled over... directly across the street from the strip club, at another strip club -_-
i couldn't find my debit card, i had no cash... i think i tried to pay him with my expired gamestop rewards card. i'm not sure why he wouldn't take it. needless to say, i got out of the cab and contemplated life while sitting on a bench outside of a strip club.
i couldn't have been there more than just a few minutes when i realized the situation was hopeless and i just needed to get home. so i started walking.
i'll spare you the explanation of tampa locale and whatnot but, suffice it to say i ended up walking along the interstate for a few miles. i nearly crossed the howard frankland bridge when a white truck pulls over on the side of the road.
apparently this dude, name was joey i think, was on his way home from work (it's about 6-7 something in the morning at this point) and wanted to give me a ride home. i hopped in and off we went. he had to make a stop at his apartment (i stayed in the truck as he went in, and was gone for maybe about a minute) we got back on the road and we're just chatting, talking about how people are just not kind these days and how i was really appreciative of him giving me a lift. not too far down the road from his place, he asks me if i smoke weed. i do and he proceeded to light up a blunt and we just continue on chatting, smoking etc.
i have him drop me off at the entrance to my neighborhood as i didn't want some stranger knowing where i live. at this point i finally realize i don't have my phone, he helps me look for it in the truck, to no avail.
i get inside my house and realize not only am i out my phone and credit card, but, i've also lost my drivers license.
i've managed to get my license/debit card back. it turns out i took one of those guys suit jacket before we even got to the strip club and i put all of that shit in the jacket pockets. they wanted to leave but i was emphatic about staying and i gave him his jacket back. still no phone though. sucks, i'd just gotten that new phone (iphone 5) and i paid for it outright, so i could keep my unlimited data plan with verizon. so unless i can recover the phone, i'm out ~$1000 for that as well.
|
got way too drunk at a wedding/after, spent almost $2000 at a strip club, and lost my new iphone 5, debit card, and drivers license.
|
drinking at a wedding
|
[
"this was actually sunday, but who's counting?",
"this past sunday a coworker and friend of mine",
"got married. beautiful ceremony, right on tampa",
"bay etc etc.",
"open bar weddings are my favorite.",
"i get pretty shitty at the reception along with a",
"lot of other people. we closed the",
"club/restaurant down and a sizable group of us",
"are looking to get into some more trouble.",
"including most of the bridal party. we go back to",
"the hotel, more drinks, then walk to another",
"hotel which had a bar still open in it. more",
"drinks etc.",
"next thing i fucking know i'm getting out of a",
"car in front of one of the nicer strip clubs in",
"town (as far as i know anyway) called 2001",
"odyssey... sci-fi is cool right? anyway, i was",
"there with two of the groom's friends, that i",
"hardly know at all. we'd met a few weeks prior",
"for the bachelor party weekend in ft.lauderdale.",
"so we go in and immediately are picked up by a",
"girl each. now at this point, i don't remember",
"seeing the two other dudes again. the next thing",
"i remember is i'm in a private room with this",
"very hot, young, stripper. she looks like the",
"kind of girl i would like to date. wasn't a porn",
"start or anything like. she was just really",
"beautiful etc. anyway prior to going into the",
"room, i vaguely remember a conversation about",
"this costing $400, which i wasn't too concern",
"with.",
"later on when things were going down that same",
"other girl comes back in and explains some other",
"charge to me (i have no idea what, but i just",
"agreed with everything they asked me) my girl",
"takes a break at some point to go get something,",
"and that's when i pulled out my phone and text my",
"best friend \"i think i'm at a strip club\"... that",
"was the last i remember seeing me phone.",
"she comes back in, things resume, whatever.",
"next thing i know i'm being walked outside by the",
"bouncer as they're closing up and i was the last",
"one there. i get helped to a cab and get whisked",
"off into the night... or so you'd think.",
"i dont remember the conversation, but, apparently",
"i was talking over payment with the cab driver",
"and he pulled over... directly across the street",
"from the strip club, at another strip club -_-",
"i couldn't find my debit card, i had no cash... i",
"think i tried to pay him with my expired gamestop",
"rewards card. i'm not sure why he wouldn't take",
"it. needless to say, i got out of the cab and",
"contemplated life while sitting on a bench",
"outside of a strip club.",
"i couldn't have been there more than just a few",
"minutes when i realized the situation was",
"hopeless and i just needed to get home. so i",
"started walking.",
"i'll spare you the explanation of tampa locale",
"and whatnot but, suffice it to say i ended up",
"walking along the interstate for a few miles. i",
"nearly crossed the howard frankland bridge when a",
"white truck pulls over on the side of the road.",
"apparently this dude, name was joey i think, was",
"on his way home from work (it's about 6-7",
"something in the morning at this point) and",
"wanted to give me a ride home. i hopped in and",
"off we went. he had to make a stop at his",
"apartment (i stayed in the truck as he went in,",
"and was gone for maybe about a minute) we got",
"back on the road and we're just chatting, talking",
"about how people are just not kind these days and",
"how i was really appreciative of him giving me a",
"lift. not too far down the road from his place,",
"he asks me if i smoke weed. i do and he proceeded",
"to light up a blunt and we just continue on",
"chatting, smoking etc.",
"i have him drop me off at the entrance to my",
"neighborhood as i didn't want some stranger",
"knowing where i live. at this point i finally",
"realize i don't have my phone, he helps me look",
"for it in the truck, to no avail.",
"i get inside my house and realize not only am i",
"out my phone and credit card, but, i've also lost",
"my drivers license.",
"i've managed to get my license/debit card back.",
"it turns out i took one of those guys suit jacket",
"before we even got to the strip club and i put",
"all of that shit in the jacket pockets. they",
"wanted to leave but i was emphatic about staying",
"and i gave him his jacket back. still no phone",
"though. sucks, i'd just gotten that new phone",
"(iphone 5) and i paid for it outright, so i could",
"keep my unlimited data plan with verizon. so",
"unless i can recover the phone, i'm out ~$1000",
"for that as well."
] |
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best friend "i think i'm at a strip club"... that my drivers license. (iphone 5) and i paid for it outright, so i could
|
21 | 6 | 0.84 | 21 |
my daughters birthday is coming up so we decided to make a pinata out of cardboard. well taping it wasn't working so we decided to hot glue some of the places that the tape didn't want to stay on. well hot glue dribbled down the side so i used my finger, like the genius i am, to stop it from running all over the pinata. it really hurt so i put it up to my lip...now i have a piece of my lip burnt off and my finger is starting to bubble. i really don't know why i put it up to my mouth. i guess i wanted to stop the pain lol please forgive me if this sounds like crap, this literally just happened and i can't type well.
|
hot glue dribbled so i used my finger to stopped it, it hurt so i put it up to my mouth to stop the pain. i'm pretty sure some of my lip is on my finger. :(
|
hot gluing my finger to my lip
|
[
"my daughters birthday is coming up so we decided",
"to make a pinata out of cardboard. well taping it",
"wasn't working so we decided to hot glue some of",
"the places that the tape didn't want to stay on.",
"well hot glue dribbled down the side so i used my",
"finger, like the genius i am, to stop it from",
"running all over the pinata. it really hurt so i",
"put it up to my lip...now i have a piece of my",
"lip burnt off and my finger is starting to",
"bubble. i really don't know why i put it up to my",
"mouth. i guess i wanted to stop the pain lol",
"please forgive me if this sounds like crap, this",
"literally just happened and i can't type well."
] |
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well hot glue dribbled down the side so i used my put it up to my lip...now i have a piece of my lip burnt off and my finger is starting to mouth. i guess i wanted to stop the pain lol
|
4 | 4 | 0.59 | 4 |
first off, this was back when i was probably 10.
it all started when my friends came over and we pulled an all-nighter. we were in the basement watching tv. the show we were watching ended and we started changing the channels to find something else to watch. my friend's older brother, who i think was 12 at the time had the remote. he found a porn channel. it was the first time i had ever seen porn.
all i could think of for the next couple days was boobs. so not knowing the term porn and not having easy access to a computer, i decided to draw my own "porn".
so i had the drawing and hid it under my pillow. the next morning i had soccer/football, and while i was gone, my mom cleaned my room. she changed the pillow case and found my drawing under the pillow right as i came home. she looked at me furiously and said we'll talk about it later. she left the drawing and left the room. i immediately took it, ripped it up and threw it in multiple garbage cans. we have never spoken of this incident since. my mom has a good memory, so i wouldn't be surprised if she still remembers.
td;lr: watched porn at a young age, didn't know what it was. made a drawing of a naked woman, mom found it.
|
at the bottom
|
having my mom find a drawing i made of a naked woman
|
[
"first off, this was back when i was probably 10.",
"it all started when my friends came over and we",
"pulled an all-nighter. we were in the basement",
"watching tv. the show we were watching ended and",
"we started changing the channels to find",
"something else to watch. my friend's older",
"brother, who i think was 12 at the time had the",
"remote. he found a porn channel. it was the first",
"time i had ever seen porn.",
"all i could think of for the next couple days was",
"boobs. so not knowing the term porn and not",
"having easy access to a computer, i decided to",
"draw my own \"porn\".",
"so i had the drawing and hid it under my pillow.",
"the next morning i had soccer/football, and while",
"i was gone, my mom cleaned my room. she changed",
"the pillow case and found my drawing under the",
"pillow right as i came home. she looked at me",
"furiously and said we'll talk about it later. she",
"left the drawing and left the room. i immediately",
"took it, ripped it up and threw it in multiple",
"garbage cans. we have never spoken of this",
"incident since. my mom has a good memory, so i",
"wouldn't be surprised if she still remembers.",
"td;lr: watched porn at a young age, didn't know",
"what it was. made a drawing of a naked woman, mom",
"found it."
] |
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brother, who i think was 12 at the time had the
|
26 | 10 | 0.81 | 26 |
i had only met this girl a few times and thought she was totally hot. she initiates the exchanging of numbers so i decided it is a good enough sign to ask her out for some drinks and dancing. she is down and i of course am stoked. i have really no idea who this girl is at this point as we have maybe had 10 minutes of conversation. date starts at 9 with some drinks and then i take her to a gay club for dancing. this club is known for being a fun dance club that gets a little out of control once things get going with no judgment befalling anybody. my awkward white boy dancing fits right in! we get there at 10 and nobody is even there yet, let alone dancing. so we end up just talking for another hour and a half. come to find out this girl is actually really smart and funny! we are also starting to get faded. a friend of hers joins us at the club and dancing starts. i am feeling great and dancing with two amazingly hot women. felt great. as the drinks keep going and the night goes on i start to get wild with my date on the dance floor. i am not sure what constitutes wild for you but for me i have never been so pornographic on a dance floor in public. i was grabbing her ass. i was grabbing her tits. she was getting supper into it and grinding me with so much force that i had to lean forward to support us. all of a sudden it is 2 am and the three of us walk home to my place down the street. all of us were way to drunk to drive. my intent was to sleep with her. that left my mind during the night because i was having so much fun just talking and dancing that i forgot about sex. also on the walk home i start to worry about my impending 9 am shift. i was not planning staying until the club closed at 2. when i got us all home i set the girls up with a place to sleep, i had also not anticipated her friend so i thought i was doing the right thing by getting them both set up and comfortable. i head off to my room and think thats that. my date came into my room on her own! she wanted to sleep with me in my bed instead of out in our living room. at this point i fucked up by inviting her into my bed just to sleep. i realize now the wide open huge opportunity i missed. like a minute after she gets in the bed she seems all confused. at this point i am just thinking of the 5 hours of sleep i am about to get and that i might still be drunk when i go off to work. she asks me why i asked her out and if this was a “first date.” i kind of just agree not realizing that she was newly single and not looking for a boyfriend, which i just implied was my intention. two days later i text her to see if she wants to hang out and she lays it out to me that she is not interested in me.
|
took a hot girl out that was down to hook up. i enjoyed our time together to much and missed the opportunity.
|
not sleeping with a hot girl!
|
[
"i had only met this girl a few times and thought",
"she was totally hot. she initiates the exchanging",
"of numbers so i decided it is a good enough sign",
"to ask her out for some drinks and dancing. she",
"is down and i of course am stoked. i have really",
"no idea who this girl is at this point as we have",
"maybe had 10 minutes of conversation. date starts",
"at 9 with some drinks and then i take her to a",
"gay club for dancing. this club is known for",
"being a fun dance club that gets a little out of",
"control once things get going with no judgment",
"befalling anybody. my awkward white boy dancing",
"fits right in! we get there at 10 and nobody is",
"even there yet, let alone dancing. so we end up",
"just talking for another hour and a half. come to",
"find out this girl is actually really smart and",
"funny! we are also starting to get faded. a",
"friend of hers joins us at the club and dancing",
"starts. i am feeling great and dancing with two",
"amazingly hot women. felt great. as the drinks",
"keep going and the night goes on i start to get",
"wild with my date on the dance floor. i am not",
"sure what constitutes wild for you but for me i",
"have never been so pornographic on a dance floor",
"in public. i was grabbing her ass. i was grabbing",
"her tits. she was getting supper into it and",
"grinding me with so much force that i had to lean",
"forward to support us. all of a sudden it is 2 am",
"and the three of us walk home to my place down",
"the street. all of us were way to drunk to drive.",
"my intent was to sleep with her. that left my",
"mind during the night because i was having so",
"much fun just talking and dancing that i forgot",
"about sex. also on the walk home i start to worry",
"about my impending 9 am shift. i was not planning",
"staying until the club closed at 2. when i got us",
"all home i set the girls up with a place to",
"sleep, i had also not anticipated her friend so i",
"thought i was doing the right thing by getting",
"them both set up and comfortable. i head off to",
"my room and think thats that. my date came into",
"my room on her own! she wanted to sleep with me",
"in my bed instead of out in our living room. at",
"this point i fucked up by inviting her into my",
"bed just to sleep. i realize now the wide open",
"huge opportunity i missed. like a minute after",
"she gets in the bed she seems all confused. at",
"this point i am just thinking of the 5 hours of",
"sleep i am about to get and that i might still be",
"drunk when i go off to work. she asks me why i",
"asked her out and if this was a “first date.” i",
"kind of just agree not realizing that she was",
"newly single and not looking for a boyfriend,",
"which i just implied was my intention. two days",
"later i text her to see if she wants to hang out",
"and she lays it out to me that she is not",
"interested in me."
] |
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] |
she was totally hot. she initiates the exchanging huge opportunity i missed. like a minute after and she lays it out to me that she is not
|
14 | 14 | 0.71 | 14 |
so last night i decided it was time to whip out the ol' bongowski. three hours and 5 rips later i decided to get one of the best pizzas ever from the shop just behind my house. spicy buffalo chicken.
now mind you i had some grade a stuff so i walked into place with shades on. (it was 9 at night) on my way back i prop that bad boy on the table and take in the heavenly aroma, but then i thought "you know what would make this better? cheese fries!" sadly, the pizza place serves no fries (what kinda pizza places doesn't sell fries ffs?) so i went to the burger shop right next to it. the fries was a fast 1m order; out the frier, poored liquid gold ontop, and in the box.
so now i'm ready to have the greatest meal of my life and before i even know it, everything is cleaned. no more fries, no pizza, no anything, and then it hit me.
i had no drink.
i go to the fridge to make me some strawberry milk and end my day only to be rudely awoken hours later by an angry stomach. i run to bathroom and release yesterdays lunch in a mighty push of hiroshima proportions.
i pooped at least 5 times within 2hrs of waking up and have had horrible gas ever since.
|
got high and ate a medium pizza, cheese fries, and a whole glass of strawberry milk and am paying heavily for it
|
getting high and oding on dairy
|
[
"so last night i decided it was time to whip out",
"the ol' bongowski. three hours and 5 rips later i",
"decided to get one of the best pizzas ever from",
"the shop just behind my house. spicy buffalo",
"chicken.",
"now mind you i had some grade a stuff so i walked",
"into place with shades on. (it was 9 at night) on",
"my way back i prop that bad boy on the table and",
"take in the heavenly aroma, but then i thought",
"\"you know what would make this better? cheese",
"fries!\" sadly, the pizza place serves no fries",
"(what kinda pizza places doesn't sell fries ffs?)",
"so i went to the burger shop right next to it.",
"the fries was a fast 1m order; out the frier,",
"poored liquid gold ontop, and in the box.",
"so now i'm ready to have the greatest meal of my",
"life and before i even know it, everything is",
"cleaned. no more fries, no pizza, no anything,",
"and then it hit me.",
"i had no drink.",
"i go to the fridge to make me some strawberry",
"milk and end my day only to be rudely awoken",
"hours later by an angry stomach. i run to",
"bathroom and release yesterdays lunch in a mighty",
"push of hiroshima proportions.",
"i pooped at least 5 times within 2hrs of waking",
"up and have had horrible gas ever since."
] |
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cleaned. no more fries, no pizza, no anything, milk and end my day only to be rudely awoken push of hiroshima proportions.
|
0 | 2 | 0.44 | 0 |
i bake fairly often, and i decided to make brownies today. i got all the ingredients together, preheated the oven, and even added chocolate chips to the brownies to make them extra special. 30 minutes later, i pulled the brownies out of the oven and saw it was bubbling. confused, i thought about what might've caused it before i realized i never added flour. now i have chocolate goop.
|
made brownies, forgot flour.
|
while making brownies
|
[
"i bake fairly often, and i decided to make",
"brownies today. i got all the ingredients",
"together, preheated the oven, and even added",
"chocolate chips to the brownies to make them",
"extra special. 30 minutes later, i pulled the",
"brownies out of the oven and saw it was bubbling.",
"confused, i thought about what might've caused it",
"before i realized i never added flour. now i have",
"chocolate goop."
] |
[
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brownies today. i got all the ingredients
|
6 | 5 | 0.63 | 6 |
this happened last night, but i figure it's been less than 24 hours, so it's still today.
last night, i was hanging out with a few people from my floor. we had a guy bring alcohol, so i got a little buzz going. this guy, who is roommate to a female hallmate's boyfriend, says he has weed. he asked if we wanted to smoke with him. i, having never smoked weed and alays wanting to try it, said yes. me, him, my roommate, & our hall mate and boyfriend all go up to a secluded area (our rooms have smoke alarms) and start to light up. i was already a little off, but the weed took me to a whole new place. i mean i was walking on air, and i wasn't right.
i was feeling pretty good and my roommate mentioned making him laugh. i remembered a joke about an pakistani and a doctor from r/meanjokes and i figured "eh, why not tell it?"
it turns out that the guy is half indian. i told it and he told me that i shouldn't tell that to people. after i found out he was half indian, i apologized profusely. i still feel bad about it.
|
got drunk, got high, told a racist joke to an ethnic man, blaming r/meanjokes
|
told a racist joke to a stranger
|
[
"this happened last night, but i figure it's been",
"less than 24 hours, so it's still today.",
"last night, i was hanging out with a few people",
"from my floor. we had a guy bring alcohol, so i",
"got a little buzz going. this guy, who is",
"roommate to a female hallmate's boyfriend, says",
"he has weed. he asked if we wanted to smoke with",
"him. i, having never smoked weed and alays",
"wanting to try it, said yes. me, him, my",
"roommate, & our hall mate and boyfriend all go up",
"to a secluded area (our rooms have smoke alarms)",
"and start to light up. i was already a little",
"off, but the weed took me to a whole new place. i",
"mean i was walking on air, and i wasn't right.",
"i was feeling pretty good and my roommate",
"mentioned making him laugh. i remembered a joke",
"about an pakistani and a doctor from r/meanjokes",
"and i figured \"eh, why not tell it?\"",
"it turns out that the guy is half indian. i told",
"it and he told me that i shouldn't tell that to",
"people. after i found out he was half indian, i",
"apologized profusely. i still feel bad about it."
] |
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about an pakistani and a doctor from r/meanjokes it and he told me that i shouldn't tell that to
|
9 | 3 | 0.77 | 9 |
i'm on a road trip to another state with my husband. we are driving late tonight for many hours, and i decided to switch driving with him at a little restaurant. while there, i decide hey, we could use a little coffee, so why not grab some for us? we buy the coffee and get in the car (husband is driving now), and start slugging our drinks on the highway. at first everything is going well as it's a beautiful full moon and the roads are clear, when about 10 minutes into the drive i feel unusually tired and lethargic. over the next half hour i go from sleepy, tired, reclining in the seat, to finally nauseous and begging my husband to pull over at a stopping point. before we even reach the hotel main drive i tell him to stop the car...i get out and with as much dignity as i can muster, embrace the moment and become a vomit factory. instantly i feel better, and am now recovering in the hotel for the night. after wracking my brain, i remember that at our previous stopping point to the little restaurant, i had popped my lithium pill for my mood disorder. after a quick google search, it was immediately apparent that i am a big dum-dum who should pay more attention to the side effects of mixing caffeine and lithium, such as intense nausea and vomiting. oops.
i doubt i'll be getting laid tonight though, husband was definitely put off when i got back in the car smiling and asked if he wanted to see my dinner again.
|
caffeine + lithium = vomit storm
|
drinking coffee while being prescribed with lithium.
|
[
"i'm on a road trip to another state with my",
"husband. we are driving late tonight for many",
"hours, and i decided to switch driving with him",
"at a little restaurant. while there, i decide",
"hey, we could use a little coffee, so why not",
"grab some for us? we buy the coffee and get in",
"the car (husband is driving now), and start",
"slugging our drinks on the highway. at first",
"everything is going well as it's a beautiful full",
"moon and the roads are clear, when about 10",
"minutes into the drive i feel unusually tired and",
"lethargic. over the next half hour i go from",
"sleepy, tired, reclining in the seat, to finally",
"nauseous and begging my husband to pull over at a",
"stopping point. before we even reach the hotel",
"main drive i tell him to stop the car...i get out",
"and with as much dignity as i can muster, embrace",
"the moment and become a vomit factory. instantly",
"i feel better, and am now recovering in the hotel",
"for the night. after wracking my brain, i",
"remember that at our previous stopping point to",
"the little restaurant, i had popped my lithium",
"pill for my mood disorder. after a quick google",
"search, it was immediately apparent that i am a",
"big dum-dum who should pay more attention to the",
"side effects of mixing caffeine and lithium, such",
"as intense nausea and vomiting. oops.",
"i doubt i'll be getting laid tonight though,",
"husband was definitely put off when i got back in",
"the car smiling and asked if he wanted to see my",
"dinner again."
] |
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side effects of mixing caffeine and lithium, such
|
53 | 10 | 0.83 | 53 |
ok this didn't actually happen today, or to me for that matter. but it happened to my brother when smash brothers was brand new on the 64. you will likely enjoy this.
so me and my brother were chillin out and shit, i was 11ish and he was 9ish. we got extremely giddy playing smash brothers and were going absolutely ape shit, like two little boys with adhd are expected to. this was especially aided by the fact that my father thought medication was total bullshit and instead fed us candy on the regular. my brother was continuously farting like a anal maniac demon, nothing surprising or unusual here. he also kept pausing the game and being all like "i gotta use the bathroom brb nigga". i dealt with it for a while, i really did, but holy fuck!!! super smash brothers is just so fun. eventually my microscopic amount of adolescent patience ran out, he tried to leave and i said "dude, you just went, man. just keep playin for a minute and see what happens." his response, "k". moments later, i hear the funniest, longest, loudest fart of my life (and i've got some experience in this shit). this time i paused the game to watch after the fart surpassed a few seconds in duration. i was fully engrossed in this, it was impressive and disturbing. at first, he didn't seem to give a shit, like it was some kind of normal fart. but suddenly, his body became erect and his eyes widened, he opened his mouth to a perfect circular o shape. he held this stance for a few seconds. when the ass rampage was over he said solemnly, yet with a sense of urgency, was "uh-oh". i began laughing harder than i could tolerate, literally, i couldn't stop or think it was so god damned funny. he got up and sprinted up the stairs . only a few seconds later, i hear my dad shout "you did what in your pants!?!?" every time i remember this happening i giggle.
|
chronic wailing farts turn into massive blow hole burnout
|
holding it in playing super smash brothers
|
[
"ok this didn't actually happen today, or to me for",
"that matter. but it happened to my brother when",
"smash brothers was brand new on the 64. you will",
"likely enjoy this.",
"so me and my brother were chillin out and shit, i",
"was 11ish and he was 9ish. we got extremely",
"giddy playing smash brothers and were going",
"absolutely ape shit, like two little boys with",
"adhd are expected to. this was especially aided",
"by the fact that my father thought medication was",
"total bullshit and instead fed us candy on the",
"regular. my brother was continuously farting",
"like a anal maniac demon, nothing surprising or",
"unusual here. he also kept pausing the game and",
"being all like \"i gotta use the bathroom brb",
"nigga\". i dealt with it for a while, i really",
"did, but holy fuck!!! super smash brothers is",
"just so fun. eventually my microscopic amount of",
"adolescent patience ran out, he tried to leave",
"and i said \"dude, you just went, man. just keep",
"playin for a minute and see what happens.\" his",
"response, \"k\". moments later, i hear the",
"funniest, longest, loudest fart of my life (and",
"i've got some experience in this shit). this",
"time i paused the game to watch after the fart",
"surpassed a few seconds in duration. i was fully",
"engrossed in this, it was impressive and",
"disturbing. at first, he didn't seem to give a",
"shit, like it was some kind of normal fart. but",
"suddenly, his body became erect and his eyes",
"widened, he opened his mouth to a perfect",
"circular o shape. he held this stance for a few",
"seconds. when the ass rampage was over he said",
"solemnly, yet with a sense of urgency, was",
"\"uh-oh\". i began laughing harder than i could",
"tolerate, literally, i couldn't stop or think it",
"was so god damned funny. he got up and sprinted",
"up the stairs . only a few seconds later, i hear",
"my dad shout \"you did what in your pants!?!?\"",
"every time i remember this happening i giggle."
] |
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45 | 23 | 0.82 | 45 |
last night i went to a bar with some friends. it was "penny pitchers" aka really cheap beer for college students. i was tired and didn't feel like being out late so i drove there with the intention of driving home later.
after an hour or so, one of my buddies convinced me to stay out longer and said the parking lot was 24 hour parking on weekends so i didn't have to worry about leaving it there all night. i obliged.
now, after a lot of drinks and several hours later, i am obliterated. i stumble to my friend's house after some pizza and pass out. the next morning my friend drove me back to the lot to get my car; but it wasn't there. oh, by the way, because i parked right next to the bar, i left everything in it including coat, purse and wallet with debit cards.
like magic, a sign that i swear wasn't there last night appeared, mocking me and chanting "parking until 7am." i called the tow company that was advertised below the tormenting sign and learned they had my car. my angel of a roommate drove me to the lot in the middle of ghetto downtown. since i left everything in my car the night before i had to retrieve my debit cards first, find a bank, take out $120 in cash, go back to the tow-yard, pay and get my baby back.
and this is the exact moment my hangover decides to kick in. yep, i start yacking right in the parking lot of the tow company that took away my car. it was the lowest point in my college life.
i rush home, barely make it through the door before i start spewing again for the next 15 minutes.
|
car got towed, threw up in lot, lowest point in life realized.**
|
parking my car.
|
[
"last night i went to a bar with some friends. it",
"was \"penny pitchers\" aka really cheap beer for",
"college students. i was tired and didn't feel",
"like being out late so i drove there with the",
"intention of driving home later.",
"after an hour or so, one of my buddies convinced",
"me to stay out longer and said the parking lot",
"was 24 hour parking on weekends so i didn't have",
"to worry about leaving it there all night. i",
"obliged.",
"now, after a lot of drinks and several hours",
"later, i am obliterated. i stumble to my friend's",
"house after some pizza and pass out. the next",
"morning my friend drove me back to the lot to get",
"my car; but it wasn't there. oh, by the way,",
"because i parked right next to the bar, i left",
"everything in it including coat, purse and wallet",
"with debit cards.",
"like magic, a sign that i swear wasn't there last",
"night appeared, mocking me and chanting \"parking",
"until 7am.\" i called the tow company that was",
"advertised below the tormenting sign and learned",
"they had my car. my angel of a roommate drove me",
"to the lot in the middle of ghetto downtown.",
"since i left everything in my car the night",
"before i had to retrieve my debit cards first,",
"find a bank, take out $120 in cash, go back to",
"the tow-yard, pay and get my baby back.",
"and this is the exact moment my hangover decides",
"to kick in. yep, i start yacking right in the",
"parking lot of the tow company that took away my",
"car. it was the lowest point in my college life.",
"i rush home, barely make it through the door",
"before i start spewing again for the next 15",
"minutes."
] |
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car. it was the lowest point in my college life.
|
3 | 2 | 0.63 | 3 |
this happened yesterday. i should've known it's gonna be a bad day when my younger kitty, while jumping around in the kitchen, knocked over a big bell jar and smashed it to pieces.
i had bought tickets for myself and the girlfriend to a play on broadway in early january. the performance was for friday evening, which is when nemo decided to hit nyc. we ended up not being able to go for the play. i had gotten the tickets through nyu (important later) at a discount, but they were still about a hundred bucks. since my so doesn't really enjoy broadway that much and can't afford tickets (neither can i, but that's a separate issue), the deal is that i buy her ticket too if i want her to come with me.
anyway, i checked on the theater's website to see if they offered a refund or a switch for tickets, since i figured a lot of people would get caught out by nemo and miss the play. sure enough, they had a notice saying that you could buy a new set of tickets for some other date, email them with the order details and the previous ticket details, and they'll issue a refund. so yesterday (saturday), i bought tickets for the evening show again (this time, no discount, so even more expensive tickets), and emailed telecharge (the company that handles the ticket sales) for a refund on the tickets i had gotten through nyu. at this point, i decided to call nyu to get the order details, in case telecharge needed specific order numbers or something; nyu told me that they don't get their tickets through telecharge! they said that i should take my tickets for friday to the theater and ask them to give me new tickets to a different date. that effectively means that nyu won't refund my tickets, nor will telecharge.
so now, i had two sets of tickets to the same play. i tried selling the ones for yesterday's performance on craigslist, but no one bit. so, we decided we might as well go to the play and enjoy what we can.
we reach the theater and sit down. it's ten minutes to curtains when i realize. . . **i left the fucking oven on.** it was empty, so there was no risk of food burning, but it had already been on two hours when we were home. it's an old gas oven. i was pre-heating it to make food when my girlfriend got home from work, and i got distracted and forgot about it. i panicked and called the super who lives in the building and left him a voicemail to call me asap. he's a douche who never answers his phone, but i digress. we decide that there's not that much of a risk of a fire, since it's an empty oven, and that we should just see the play and then go home. so the play starts and we sit through the first act, all the while i'm thinking about the fucking oven in my head. at intermission, i finally get a call back from my super. when i tell him about the oven, he freaks out and tells me to hurry home instantly, since these old fucking ovens can't be relied on and something might melt and start a fire. sigh. . . we leave the play and rush home and thankfully, nothing bad had happened.
so now, i have a second set of tickets to the play that we can use to go and finish watching it, but i have to sell them, because i'm too poor to be able to afford two sets of tickets to a play right now.
**edit: formatting and stuff.**
|
fuck my luck. fuck my stupidity. fuck craigslist. fuck my super. fuck me.**
|
having bad luck, bad sense and a bad memory, which together ruined my day and cost me a bunch of money
|
[
"this happened yesterday. i should've known it's",
"gonna be a bad day when my younger kitty, while",
"jumping around in the kitchen, knocked over a big",
"bell jar and smashed it to pieces.",
"i had bought tickets for myself and the",
"girlfriend to a play on broadway in early",
"january. the performance was for friday evening,",
"which is when nemo decided to hit nyc. we ended",
"up not being able to go for the play. i had",
"gotten the tickets through nyu (important later)",
"at a discount, but they were still about a",
"hundred bucks. since my so doesn't really enjoy",
"broadway that much and can't afford tickets",
"(neither can i, but that's a separate issue), the",
"deal is that i buy her ticket too if i want her",
"to come with me.",
"anyway, i checked on the theater's website to see",
"if they offered a refund or a switch for tickets,",
"since i figured a lot of people would get caught",
"out by nemo and miss the play. sure enough, they",
"had a notice saying that you could buy a new set",
"of tickets for some other date, email them with",
"the order details and the previous ticket",
"details, and they'll issue a refund. so yesterday",
"(saturday), i bought tickets for the evening show",
"again (this time, no discount, so even more",
"expensive tickets), and emailed telecharge (the",
"company that handles the ticket sales) for a",
"refund on the tickets i had gotten through nyu.",
"at this point, i decided to call nyu to get the",
"order details, in case telecharge needed specific",
"order numbers or something; nyu told me that they",
"don't get their tickets through telecharge! they",
"said that i should take my tickets for friday to",
"the theater and ask them to give me new tickets",
"to a different date. that effectively means that",
"nyu won't refund my tickets, nor will telecharge.",
"so now, i had two sets of tickets to the same",
"play. i tried selling the ones for yesterday's",
"performance on craigslist, but no one bit. so, we",
"decided we might as well go to the play and enjoy",
"what we can.",
"we reach the theater and sit down. it's ten",
"minutes to curtains when i realize. . . **i left",
"the fucking oven on.** it was empty, so there was",
"no risk of food burning, but it had already been",
"on two hours when we were home. it's an old gas",
"oven. i was pre-heating it to make food when my",
"girlfriend got home from work, and i got",
"distracted and forgot about it. i panicked and",
"called the super who lives in the building and",
"left him a voicemail to call me asap. he's a",
"douche who never answers his phone, but i",
"digress. we decide that there's not that much of",
"a risk of a fire, since it's an empty oven, and",
"that we should just see the play and then go",
"home. so the play starts and we sit through the",
"first act, all the while i'm thinking about the",
"fucking oven in my head. at intermission, i",
"finally get a call back from my super. when i",
"tell him about the oven, he freaks out and tells",
"me to hurry home instantly, since these old",
"fucking ovens can't be relied on and something",
"might melt and start a fire. sigh. . . we leave",
"the play and rush home and thankfully, nothing",
"bad had happened.",
"so now, i have a second set of tickets to the",
"play that we can use to go and finish watching",
"it, but i have to sell them, because i'm too poor",
"to be able to afford two sets of tickets to a",
"play right now.",
"**edit: formatting and stuff.**"
] |
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to come with me. finally get a call back from my super. when i
|
121 | 24 | 0.92 | 121 |
so it's a typical friday on january term, it's 1pm, i'm done with classes for the day, and i'm in my room by myself. my roommate usually doesn't come into the room until 5 pm or 12am, because ya know, social shit. so i'm just paroozin on reddit when i go "hey, i got a shit ton of time to beat it, and the internet is pretty fast today, so might as well enjoy myself" so i end up spending at least 30 minutes just finding porn clips to look at, because when else will get the opportunity to watch em (my college is in the middle of nowhere).
it should also be worth noting what kind of set up i had going on at this point. i'm laying on my bed (because if you ain't jerkin it while chillin on some 350 thread count sheets, you ain't doing it it right) with a t-shirt and some boxers on,a tissue on my pillow and the door is locked.
now just as i'm starting to really get into it, i hear some activity around my hallway, not too strange, it's the early afternoon, of course people are going to be moving. the moving continues, but now it's distinctly moving around my room (my room is right across from the bathroom) so i think to myself "that doesn't necessarily mean it's my roommate, might as well keep going" so i do. right as i've found the perfect porn clip, and i'm just about to blow, i hear the lock being undone to my door, and there's this moment where time slows down, in which i have to question everything that has ever happened in my life, and how the fuck this happening makes any sense. i quickly make a grab for the tissue on my pillow, but it's too late, my roommate has swung open the door. i make sure to calm my body as much as possible while jizzing near 40 minutes worth of build up underneath me, with my left hand holding my head up, my right hand balled up into a fist so the tissue isn't visible, and the blanket up to my belly button at this point.
my roommate immediately turns to me and goes "ya know what's the worst part about parking tickets?" thankfully i'm still able to think with the processing power of a person in a normal situation and reply "paying them?" he says that he would of added the word fucking in there, but that i got the basic sentiment right. he then turns his back on me and goes to the other side of the room as he rifles through a box to find some spare cash. i lay in the now sticky pile, trying to wedge the tissue underneath me as i realize that both my boxers and sheets are pretty much screwed for the rest of the day. i end up laying there for 15 minutes before he decides to take a shower.
|
thought i had all the time in the world to masturbate, roommate walked in at the exact moment i came, ended up cumming on self and sheets.
|
picking the wrong time to masturbate
|
[
"so it's a typical friday on january term, it's",
"1pm, i'm done with classes for the day, and i'm",
"in my room by myself. my roommate usually doesn't",
"come into the room until 5 pm or 12am, because ya",
"know, social shit. so i'm just paroozin on reddit",
"when i go \"hey, i got a shit ton of time to beat",
"it, and the internet is pretty fast today, so",
"might as well enjoy myself\" so i end up spending",
"at least 30 minutes just finding porn clips to",
"look at, because when else will get the",
"opportunity to watch em (my college is in the",
"middle of nowhere).",
"it should also be worth noting what kind of set",
"up i had going on at this point. i'm laying on my",
"bed (because if you ain't jerkin it while chillin",
"on some 350 thread count sheets, you ain't doing",
"it it right) with a t-shirt and some boxers on,a",
"tissue on my pillow and the door is locked.",
"now just as i'm starting to really get into it, i",
"hear some activity around my hallway, not too",
"strange, it's the early afternoon, of course",
"people are going to be moving. the moving",
"continues, but now it's distinctly moving around",
"my room (my room is right across from the",
"bathroom) so i think to myself \"that doesn't",
"necessarily mean it's my roommate, might as well",
"keep going\" so i do. right as i've found the",
"perfect porn clip, and i'm just about to blow, i",
"hear the lock being undone to my door, and",
"there's this moment where time slows down, in",
"which i have to question everything that has ever",
"happened in my life, and how the fuck this",
"happening makes any sense. i quickly make a grab",
"for the tissue on my pillow, but it's too late,",
"my roommate has swung open the door. i make sure",
"to calm my body as much as possible while jizzing",
"near 40 minutes worth of build up underneath me,",
"with my left hand holding my head up, my right",
"hand balled up into a fist so the tissue isn't",
"visible, and the blanket up to my belly button at",
"this point.",
"my roommate immediately turns to me and goes \"ya",
"know what's the worst part about parking",
"tickets?\" thankfully i'm still able to think with",
"the processing power of a person in a normal",
"situation and reply \"paying them?\" he says that",
"he would of added the word fucking in there, but",
"that i got the basic sentiment right. he then",
"turns his back on me and goes to the other side",
"of the room as he rifles through a box to find",
"some spare cash. i lay in the now sticky pile,",
"trying to wedge the tissue underneath me as i",
"realize that both my boxers and sheets are pretty",
"much screwed for the rest of the day. i end up",
"laying there for 15 minutes before he decides to",
"take a shower."
] |
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opportunity to watch em (my college is in the up i had going on at this point. i'm laying on my there's this moment where time slows down, in realize that both my boxers and sheets are pretty
|
0 | 13 | 0.5 | 0 |
my latest fu is probably pretty tame compared to many here (read: no shitting involved), but still i feel like i need to get this off my chest. i apologize for the wall of text--this kind of got away from me, and believe it or not, i actually trimmed stuff out).
long winded prelude: there is a girl who works at my local grocery store that i have found myself enamored with since i first laid eyes on her. it's more than just her physical appearance, call it an aura or vibe, there's just something inexplicable about her that has really caught me. it's been a long time since i've had feelings like that stirred up in me.
every time i go grocery shopping, i find myself keeping an eye out for her, and if she's working the cash register, i try to make it a point to check out in her aisle. of course, i always hope that some moment of suaveness will take hold, and i'll be able to chat her up and impress her. needless to say though, being introverted and such, the most i've been able to do beside normal checkout pleasantries was make eye contact and exchange smiles. on a recent shopping trip though, i was checking out in a normal line, and she was supervising the self-checkout. as i was getting rung up, she left her station and came over to bag my groceries, which struck me as odd (normally they just leave it to the bag boys), but i wasn't complaining. in my infatuated and likely over-analytical mindset, i thought she might be showing some interest.
that was a couple weeks ago. fast forward to present, i've been single for a while, but feeling a yearn for female companionship, have gotten active on ok cupid again recently. i've had less success than usual at getting replies from girls--the response ratio is never great on dating sites, but it's been downright abysmal this time around (none).
that is, up until the other night, when all of the sudden, something must have clicked and several ladies actually messaged *me*. i found myself chatting and flirting, and seemed to be hitting it off with them. i had a couple tumblers of whiskey while i typed, was having fun talking to the girls, and with the sudden reversal of attention, i was feeling pretty good about myself.
that's when i happened to see her in the "you may also like" sidebar. yup, grocery girl.
i see that not only does grocery girl have an account, but she's single, and has a great match rating with me (96%). "holy shit," i thought, "this is the perfect opportunity for me to finally talk to her and get this awkward introduction stuff out of the way." looking at her pictures, she was even more beautiful when she didn't have to wear her work uniform, and her personality, as okc indicated, seemed to really jive with mine.
as i was looking at her profile, she came online, possibly because she got an email saying someone was checking her out. i figured if that was the case, i very well couldn't sign off without sending her a message. so, in my whiskey infused and confidently flirty state, i typed out a simple message, saying that i recognized her from the store and had wanted to talk to her but never felt like the opportunity was right. but now here i was saying hi, and all that. i spent a little time editing and rewriting sentences so that it could come off as (hopefully) flirty, but not overbearing. eventually, i thought had a good enough first message, and clicked "send."
i'd hoped to wake up in the morning and find a message from her saying something along the lines of how she'd noticed me too, and wanted to get to know me, and blah blah blah. when i checked my email the next morning though, there was no new message from her. there was a message that she'd visited my profile though, late in the evening. so she'd definitely gotten my message, looked to see who it was from, and that was that.
thinking about it in hindsight, i realize that girls may not feel the same way about hearing guys notice them in public, repeatedly. even though we may have a good compatibility rating, and there *may* have been some mutual attraction beforehand, i fear i may have come off as stalkerish and creepy. i haven't been grocery shopping since sending that message, but i haven't quite figured out how to handle the awkwardness that will ensue when i do.
|
had my eye on a checkout girl for a while, randomly stumbled on her profile on ok cupid, sent her a message and may have come off as a creeper.
|
probably scared off a promising girl
|
[
"my latest fu is probably pretty tame compared to",
"many here (read: no shitting involved), but still",
"i feel like i need to get this off my chest. i",
"apologize for the wall of text--this kind of got",
"away from me, and believe it or not, i actually",
"trimmed stuff out).",
"long winded prelude: there is a girl who works",
"at my local grocery store that i have found",
"myself enamored with since i first laid eyes on",
"her. it's more than just her physical",
"appearance, call it an aura or vibe, there's just",
"something inexplicable about her that has really",
"caught me. it's been a long time since i've had",
"feelings like that stirred up in me.",
"every time i go grocery shopping, i find myself",
"keeping an eye out for her, and if she's working",
"the cash register, i try to make it a point to",
"check out in her aisle. of course, i always hope",
"that some moment of suaveness will take hold, and",
"i'll be able to chat her up and impress her.",
"needless to say though, being introverted and",
"such, the most i've been able to do beside normal",
"checkout pleasantries was make eye contact and",
"exchange smiles. on a recent shopping trip",
"though, i was checking out in a normal line, and",
"she was supervising the self-checkout. as i was",
"getting rung up, she left her station and came",
"over to bag my groceries, which struck me as odd",
"(normally they just leave it to the bag boys),",
"but i wasn't complaining. in my infatuated and",
"likely over-analytical mindset, i thought she",
"might be showing some interest.",
"that was a couple weeks ago. fast forward to",
"present, i've been single for a while, but",
"feeling a yearn for female companionship, have",
"gotten active on ok cupid again recently. i've",
"had less success than usual at getting replies",
"from girls--the response ratio is never great on",
"dating sites, but it's been downright abysmal",
"this time around (none).",
"that is, up until the other night, when all of",
"the sudden, something must have clicked and",
"several ladies actually messaged *me*. i found",
"myself chatting and flirting, and seemed to be",
"hitting it off with them. i had a couple",
"tumblers of whiskey while i typed, was having fun",
"talking to the girls, and with the sudden",
"reversal of attention, i was feeling pretty good",
"about myself.",
"that's when i happened to see her in the \"you may",
"also like\" sidebar. yup, grocery girl.",
"i see that not only does grocery girl have an",
"account, but she's single, and has a great match",
"rating with me (96%). \"holy shit,\" i thought,",
"\"this is the perfect opportunity for me to",
"finally talk to her and get this awkward",
"introduction stuff out of the way.\" looking at",
"her pictures, she was even more beautiful when",
"she didn't have to wear her work uniform, and her",
"personality, as okc indicated, seemed to really",
"jive with mine.",
"as i was looking at her profile, she came online,",
"possibly because she got an email saying someone",
"was checking her out. i figured if that was the",
"case, i very well couldn't sign off without",
"sending her a message. so, in my whiskey infused",
"and confidently flirty state, i typed out a",
"simple message, saying that i recognized her from",
"the store and had wanted to talk to her but never",
"felt like the opportunity was right. but now",
"here i was saying hi, and all that. i spent a",
"little time editing and rewriting sentences so",
"that it could come off as (hopefully) flirty, but",
"not overbearing. eventually, i thought had a",
"good enough first message, and clicked \"send.\"",
"i'd hoped to wake up in the morning and find a",
"message from her saying something along the lines",
"of how she'd noticed me too, and wanted to get to",
"know me, and blah blah blah. when i checked my",
"email the next morning though, there was no new",
"message from her. there was a message that she'd",
"visited my profile though, late in the evening.",
"so she'd definitely gotten my message, looked to",
"see who it was from, and that was that.",
"thinking about it in hindsight, i realize that",
"girls may not feel the same way about hearing",
"guys notice them in public, repeatedly. even",
"though we may have a good compatibility rating,",
"and there *may* have been some mutual attraction",
"beforehand, i fear i may have come off as",
"stalkerish and creepy. i haven't been grocery",
"shopping since sending that message, but i",
"haven't quite figured out how to handle the",
"awkwardness that will ensue when i do."
] |
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present, i've been single for a while, but gotten active on ok cupid again recently. i've sending her a message. so, in my whiskey infused beforehand, i fear i may have come off as
|
0 | 1 | 0.25 | 0 |
i was just trolling around facebook when i remembered that i had to tell this girl that me and my friend found her lost ruler.
we chatted for a while...
then all hell went loose.
atleast it could be worse...
|
accidentally insulted a hot girl. failed to get her number fml.
|
accidentally insulting a hot girl and her mom on facebook.
|
[
"i was just trolling around facebook when i",
"remembered that i had to tell this girl that me",
"and my friend found her lost ruler.",
"we chatted for a while...",
"then all hell went loose.",
"atleast it could be worse..."
] |
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remembered that i had to tell this girl that me we chatted for a while...
|
0 | 5 | 0.18 | 0 |
this was years ago when i was in high school. i always liked origami, but it took me a while to come up with the idea of finally making the famous paper crane. so during a useless computer class (that was sooo easy, and we could do other stuff if we're done with our work), i looked up the instructions and memorized them.
when i had access to paper during the next class (i think this was a boring math class i read books in and still aced), i decided to make it. it took about half the class to figure it out and remember all the instructions. (it turns out that i forgot one of the last steps for years, so my crane's wings were triangles, and the head/neck and tail were larger.)
i took it with me for the rest of the day; i admired the little guy.
then came a class near the end of the day with an interesting reading teacher. i usually liked him...until this day. while we were writing something in our notebooks or journals or whatever, he walks by our desks nonchalantly. when he got to mine, he grabbed and crumbled my poor little creation--my first crane. he had a scowl on his face as he repeatedly crumbled it and threw it away.
since we were supposed to be quiet, i decided to say nothing. my only guess as to why he did such a thing was that he lacked the common knowledge that origami does not mean "paper plane." at the end of that school year, most of my nice teachers got a paper crane from me (and also a little piece of coal during christmastime =p). but not him. i even gave one to the student teacher that substituted for him in the last half of the year.
|
- a reading teacher destroyed my poor paper crane.
|
making my very first paper crane.
|
[
"this was years ago when i was in high school. i",
"always liked origami, but it took me a while to",
"come up with the idea of finally making the",
"famous paper crane. so during a useless computer",
"class (that was sooo easy, and we could do other",
"stuff if we're done with our work), i looked up",
"the instructions and memorized them.",
"when i had access to paper during the next class",
"(i think this was a boring math class i read",
"books in and still aced), i decided to make it.",
"it took about half the class to figure it out and",
"remember all the instructions. (it turns out that",
"i forgot one of the last steps for years, so my",
"crane's wings were triangles, and the head/neck",
"and tail were larger.)",
"i took it with me for the rest of the day; i",
"admired the little guy.",
"then came a class near the end of the day with an",
"interesting reading teacher. i usually liked",
"him...until this day. while we were writing",
"something in our notebooks or journals or",
"whatever, he walks by our desks nonchalantly.",
"when he got to mine, he grabbed and crumbled my",
"poor little creation--my first crane. he had a",
"scowl on his face as he repeatedly crumbled it",
"and threw it away.",
"since we were supposed to be quiet, i decided to",
"say nothing. my only guess as to why he did such",
"a thing was that he lacked the common knowledge",
"that origami does not mean \"paper plane.\" at the",
"end of that school year, most of my nice teachers",
"got a paper crane from me (and also a little",
"piece of coal during christmastime =p). but not",
"him. i even gave one to the student teacher that",
"substituted for him in the last half of the year."
] |
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famous paper crane. so during a useless computer
|
8 | 6 | 0.78 | 8 |
so i'm at work today and my family kept texting me, but because of company rules, i was hesitant to check my messages. i really had to take a piss so i decided i would check them while i relieved myself.
i was standing at the urinal, phone in my left hand, trying to type out replies before i finished up. i got about 3 seconds into my stream when the vice president of the company comes into the bathroom and stands at the urinal next to me. before he even got there, i was attempting to power off the screen(out of habit) and put my phone back into my pocket...
it slipped...
the amount of terror i felt made me react like a damn ninja. i tried to snatch my phone out of the air only to bump it and have it land directly in the urinal... i pissed on it for a second before i realized that it made a shit ton of noise and there was no way i could hide the fact that i just dropped something into the urinal... i pinched off my stream, grabbed my urine soaked iphone, finished pissing and proceeded to rinse it off as much as i could(luckily i have a nice case so it wasn't water/urine damaged).
i think our vp felt bad about it because he didn't say a word to me, even after seeing me take it to the sink and rinse it off..
|
i needed to check my phone at work and they don't allow us to do that. i dropped my iphone into the toilet at work and pissed on it because i was afraid our vp would get mad at me for having my phone out.
|
dropping my iphone and pissing all over it.
|
[
"so i'm at work today and my family kept texting",
"me, but because of company rules, i was hesitant",
"to check my messages. i really had to take a",
"piss so i decided i would check them while i",
"relieved myself.",
"i was standing at the urinal, phone in my left",
"hand, trying to type out replies before i",
"finished up. i got about 3 seconds into my",
"stream when the vice president of the company",
"comes into the bathroom and stands at the urinal",
"next to me. before he even got there, i was",
"attempting to power off the screen(out of habit)",
"and put my phone back into my pocket...",
"it slipped...",
"the amount of terror i felt made me react like a",
"damn ninja. i tried to snatch my phone out of",
"the air only to bump it and have it land directly",
"in the urinal... i pissed on it for a second",
"before i realized that it made a shit ton of",
"noise and there was no way i could hide the fact",
"that i just dropped something into the urinal...",
"i pinched off my stream, grabbed my urine soaked",
"iphone, finished pissing and proceeded to rinse",
"it off as much as i could(luckily i have a nice",
"case so it wasn't water/urine damaged).",
"i think our vp felt bad about it because he",
"didn't say a word to me, even after seeing me",
"take it to the sink and rinse it off.."
] |
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to check my messages. i really had to take a i was standing at the urinal, phone in my left in the urinal... i pissed on it for a second that i just dropped something into the urinal... i think our vp felt bad about it because he
|
24 | 15 | 0.94 | 24 |
i am 26(f) and my boss is probably like 50(m). he is a scary guy, he is paid to be scary. i work as a paralegal in a medium sized firm. in all seriousness, this guy is trained in interrogation and was a cop for 25+ years before he got into this business. he is the person who is paid to make you trip up and cry your eyes out under examination.
anyway, he's never been too mean to me but i am usually really diligent around him. whenever i do something wrong i am always apologetic and i tell him that i will strive for perfection in the future.
today though...today was different.
the important backstory here is that i once dreamed of being a lawyer. i got my honors in poli sci, wrote my lsat a few times and didn't do as well as i needed to. i decided to get my paralegal license and try my best to bulk up my experience over the next few years in hopes of improving my chances of getting in to lawschool. two years ago when i started this i didn't mind so much, but the reality of filing, briefing, and doing absolutely nothing with my degree (not to mention making less than when i was a waitress) has started to take it's toll on my mentality. normally i am an incredibly positive and enthusiastic person. i have been doing my level best to stay happy and see the light at the end of the tunnel here, but some days it just feels like i am absolutely wasting away in a dead end job where i am learning nothing and becoming more complacent by the hour.
anyway, to the story. normally i am a pretty calm person and i can deal with my boss's outbursts. also, usually they aren't directed at me so it's not so bad. keep in mind, we are talking about a guy that needs a reminder for his reminders, flips out of a post it note falls off his computer, and regularly tells me he needs something "an hour ago".
this morning when i came in he said he needed to speak with me and told me to shut his door. he's never really done this before and i started getting a bit nervous. i have had past issues with abusive partners cornering me and harming me so i can see why i started to shake a bit. still, i take my job really seriously and i try to compose myself. he points out that i got one of the attachments wrong on a letter we were sending out. he starts shaking the page at me and telling me that this is completely unacceptable, he expects more from me, he feels like he can't trust me, he wants to know what going on.
all i can think of is i make less than people working at mcdonald's and i feel like my entire life is a joke because of this job but i can't quit because it's also the only thing i have helping me hold on to some semblance of hope that one day i will be able to pursue this dream of mine and that i didn't completely waste my time on my education. he keeps pressuring me to tell him what it really is that's been causing me to slip up (it took me too long to get some searches done on monday which really irritated him as well).
anyway, the only thing i can think of to say is that it is just a 'personal issue' and that i realize it is unacceptable. instead, the truth of all of the depression and anxiety and disappointment in myself bubbled up at that moment. he's a trained interrogator and it is fucking hard to lie to him. even though my words were a lie, my face told the complete truth. i turned into a crying, shaking, hyperventilating wreck. his face lost all colour. i am apologizing for crying, he is staring at me blankly. i said "i'm so sorry" he laughs and says "i do it all the time." wtf?
it took me another 5 minutes sitting there to try and compose myself just so i could leave his office without being a splotchy mess. i had to go to the washroom and cry it out some more in there afterwards because i was extra upset at myself for having the meltdown in the first place. this is like the most serious guy on the planet, he relies on me to keep my cool and do a good job under pressure, he deals with situations where people stand to win or lose millions of dollars, he is never intimidated, and all i showed him was that i melt like butter in a frying pan under confrontation.
|
cried in front of my serious lawyer boss for no real reason, lost a lot of respect for myself professionally, probably not cut out for this business.
|
having a nervous meltdown in front of my scary/angry lawyer boss
|
[
"i am 26(f) and my boss is probably like 50(m). he",
"is a scary guy, he is paid to be scary. i work as",
"a paralegal in a medium sized firm. in all",
"seriousness, this guy is trained in interrogation",
"and was a cop for 25+ years before he got into",
"this business. he is the person who is paid to",
"make you trip up and cry your eyes out under",
"examination.",
"anyway, he's never been too mean to me but i am",
"usually really diligent around him. whenever i do",
"something wrong i am always apologetic and i tell",
"him that i will strive for perfection in the",
"future.",
"today though...today was different.",
"the important backstory here is that i once",
"dreamed of being a lawyer. i got my honors in",
"poli sci, wrote my lsat a few times and didn't do",
"as well as i needed to. i decided to get my",
"paralegal license and try my best to bulk up my",
"experience over the next few years in hopes of",
"improving my chances of getting in to lawschool.",
"two years ago when i started this i didn't mind",
"so much, but the reality of filing, briefing, and",
"doing absolutely nothing with my degree (not to",
"mention making less than when i was a waitress)",
"has started to take it's toll on my mentality.",
"normally i am an incredibly positive and",
"enthusiastic person. i have been doing my level",
"best to stay happy and see the light at the end",
"of the tunnel here, but some days it just feels",
"like i am absolutely wasting away in a dead end",
"job where i am learning nothing and becoming more",
"complacent by the hour.",
"anyway, to the story. normally i am a pretty calm",
"person and i can deal with my boss's outbursts.",
"also, usually they aren't directed at me so it's",
"not so bad. keep in mind, we are talking about a",
"guy that needs a reminder for his reminders,",
"flips out of a post it note falls off his",
"computer, and regularly tells me he needs",
"something \"an hour ago\".",
"this morning when i came in he said he needed to",
"speak with me and told me to shut his door. he's",
"never really done this before and i started",
"getting a bit nervous. i have had past issues",
"with abusive partners cornering me and harming me",
"so i can see why i started to shake a bit. still,",
"i take my job really seriously and i try to",
"compose myself. he points out that i got one of",
"the attachments wrong on a letter we were sending",
"out. he starts shaking the page at me and telling",
"me that this is completely unacceptable, he",
"expects more from me, he feels like he can't",
"trust me, he wants to know what going on.",
"all i can think of is i make less than people",
"working at mcdonald's and i feel like my entire",
"life is a joke because of this job but i can't",
"quit because it's also the only thing i have",
"helping me hold on to some semblance of hope that",
"one day i will be able to pursue this dream of",
"mine and that i didn't completely waste my time",
"on my education. he keeps pressuring me to tell",
"him what it really is that's been causing me to",
"slip up (it took me too long to get some searches",
"done on monday which really irritated him as",
"well).",
"anyway, the only thing i can think of to say is",
"that it is just a 'personal issue' and that i",
"realize it is unacceptable. instead, the truth of",
"all of the depression and anxiety and",
"disappointment in myself bubbled up at that",
"moment. he's a trained interrogator and it is",
"fucking hard to lie to him. even though my words",
"were a lie, my face told the complete truth. i",
"turned into a crying, shaking, hyperventilating",
"wreck. his face lost all colour. i am apologizing",
"for crying, he is staring at me blankly. i said",
"\"i'm so sorry\" he laughs and says \"i do it all",
"the time.\" wtf?",
"it took me another 5 minutes sitting there to try",
"and compose myself just so i could leave his",
"office without being a splotchy mess. i had to",
"go to the washroom and cry it out some more in",
"there afterwards because i was extra upset at",
"myself for having the meltdown in the first",
"place. this is like the most serious guy on the",
"planet, he relies on me to keep my cool and do a",
"good job under pressure, he deals with situations",
"where people stand to win or lose millions of",
"dollars, he is never intimidated, and all i",
"showed him was that i melt like butter in a",
"frying pan under confrontation."
] |
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i am 26(f) and my boss is probably like 50(m). he this business. he is the person who is paid to dreamed of being a lawyer. i got my honors in myself for having the meltdown in the first
|
0 | 21 | 0.5 | 0 |
now before we begin, it's worth giving a grounding on my flatmate as this tale of woe isn't nearly as awkward without it. this flatmate (22) had never used a microwave before coming to uni, and subsequently tried to make toast in it by moistening the bread and whacking on full power for 20 minutes. he then included a fork the mix and has since made toast on the hob (no pans). he enjoys eating bulbs of raw garlic and watching tacky sci-fi from his birds nest atop the fridge. just the other day he was gracious enough to give me a slice of nice hot, buttery toast... no of course, he doesn't like butter and had in fact given me a generous helping of colman's mustard.
i don't like mustard at all.
if you met the chap you'd never suspect a thing wrong in the world, but in short he is just... odd. i've never known him to show an interest in women, or men for that matter of any kind and i theorise he is asexual and is simply working on breeding a twin. anyway - the story.
i was late for a train. the train lead directly to a plane which i was cutting fine anyway. less than preferable really. travelling light, i'd cunningly tucked my keys in the deepest, darkest crevice of my bag i could find - frankly gollum wouldn't bother hunting in there. this became a problem as i walked out of my block and felt a cylindrical object in my coat pocket. my girlfriends turbo-charged vibrator. in a baffled panic the ensuing scenarios ran through my mind should i fail to deal with this situation;
1) i'd rock up to security at the airport and have to openly give a strange man a recently used vibrator. nope.
2) i'd rock up to security to try and smuggle what is basically an armoured dildo (armourdildo?) through a system built to stop unwanted forks. i would then be asked to produce my dildo, and possibly sized... i would then of course miss my flight and have to explain to my girlfriend why she could no longer accurately call me robocock.
only one thing for it really, i had hide it somewhere that no one would find. with a fraction of a second to spare i caught the door just before the magnetic lock sealed and hastily rammed aforementioned dildo into our letterbox. no one ever checks there... i think... truth be told i don't actually know...
i return home the following evening to find neat piles of mail on the table, and yes, armourdildo glistening triumphantly in the moonlight. excellent.
i get a cup of tea and settle down on the sofa and begin skyping my girlfriend... who i couldn't not tell about this story which utterly awkwarded her out... naturally. my flatmate then walks in and we embark on a pleasant conversation regarding what was in the mail, (no mention of armourdidlo) and my trip. bearing in mind my girlfriend was still in skype, using "nice vibe about it" and "went by like some kind of bullet" were probably not the most appropriate conversation fillers... but the situation was made better by my flatmate simply not knowing what the mysterious object was. only when later explaining did the shit hit the fan... still glad i didn't tell him it was in need of a good wipe...
|
hid girlfriends vibrator in letterbox, found by flatmate who just didn't know what it was.
|
a vibrator, an airport... and a really awkward flatmate...
|
[
"now before we begin, it's worth giving a grounding",
"on my flatmate as this tale of woe isn't nearly",
"as awkward without it. this flatmate (22) had",
"never used a microwave before coming to uni, and",
"subsequently tried to make toast in it by",
"moistening the bread and whacking on full power",
"for 20 minutes. he then included a fork the mix",
"and has since made toast on the hob (no pans). he",
"enjoys eating bulbs of raw garlic and watching",
"tacky sci-fi from his birds nest atop the fridge.",
"just the other day he was gracious enough to give",
"me a slice of nice hot, buttery toast... no of",
"course, he doesn't like butter and had in fact",
"given me a generous helping of colman's mustard.",
"i don't like mustard at all.",
"if you met the chap you'd never suspect a thing",
"wrong in the world, but in short he is just...",
"odd. i've never known him to show an interest in",
"women, or men for that matter of any kind and i",
"theorise he is asexual and is simply working on",
"breeding a twin. anyway - the story.",
"i was late for a train. the train lead directly",
"to a plane which i was cutting fine anyway. less",
"than preferable really. travelling light, i'd",
"cunningly tucked my keys in the deepest, darkest",
"crevice of my bag i could find - frankly gollum",
"wouldn't bother hunting in there. this became a",
"problem as i walked out of my block and felt a",
"cylindrical object in my coat pocket. my",
"girlfriends turbo-charged vibrator. in a baffled",
"panic the ensuing scenarios ran through my mind",
"should i fail to deal with this situation;",
"1) i'd rock up to security at the airport and",
"have to openly give a strange man a recently used",
"vibrator. nope.",
"2) i'd rock up to security to try and smuggle",
"what is basically an armoured dildo",
"(armourdildo?) through a system built to stop",
"unwanted forks. i would then be asked to produce",
"my dildo, and possibly sized... i would then of",
"course miss my flight and have to explain to my",
"girlfriend why she could no longer accurately",
"call me robocock.",
"only one thing for it really, i had hide it",
"somewhere that no one would find. with a fraction",
"of a second to spare i caught the door just",
"before the magnetic lock sealed and hastily",
"rammed aforementioned dildo into our letterbox.",
"no one ever checks there... i think... truth be",
"told i don't actually know...",
"i return home the following evening to find neat",
"piles of mail on the table, and yes, armourdildo",
"glistening triumphantly in the moonlight.",
"excellent.",
"i get a cup of tea and settle down on the sofa",
"and begin skyping my girlfriend... who i couldn't",
"not tell about this story which utterly awkwarded",
"her out... naturally. my flatmate then walks in",
"and we embark on a pleasant conversation",
"regarding what was in the mail, (no mention of",
"armourdidlo) and my trip. bearing in mind my",
"girlfriend was still in skype, using \"nice vibe",
"about it\" and \"went by like some kind of bullet\"",
"were probably not the most appropriate",
"conversation fillers... but the situation was",
"made better by my flatmate simply not knowing",
"what the mysterious object was. only when later",
"explaining did the shit hit the fan... still glad",
"i didn't tell him it was in need of a good",
"wipe..."
] |
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girlfriends turbo-charged vibrator. in a baffled i didn't tell him it was in need of a good
|
1 | 2 | 0.53 | 1 |
today, my school started at 10.55, so i got to sleep until 9.15. it felt like heaven. when i was ready, i took the 10 o' clock bus, so i would be in school around 10.40. my bus ride takes around 36 minutes.
five minutes into the bus ride. i notice my nose is a little bit runny. this is normal and happens to many people when they go from somewhere cold (outside) to somewhere warm (the bus). it felt annoying, as something runs down your nose. i had to wipe it on my coat sleeve. now it was all normal again. then, i felt it was running again. it started to drip from my nose. i had no idea what was going on. when i was texting on my phone it hit me. the drops were red.
"perfect", i thought. now i'm sitting in a bus with a nosebleed. paper is nowhere to be seen and it drips all the time. my coat sleeve was now substituting for paper, as i couldn't let the blood drip on the bus floor or seat. after a little while, i remember the first aid for nosebleed. i leaned forward, and pressed with my fingers on my nose, a little bit under the nose bone. now the nosebleed was in control. after ca. 10 minutes, the blood in my nose was dry enough so i didn't have to keep pressure on it.
now the situation was under control, and time was for aftermath. i see a few drops hit the bus seat, but i didn't care about that then anymore, as the stain was visible only if you looked closely. my right hand had a little blood on it. my right sleeve on my coat had quite much blood on it. the best thing is that my coat is black and white. nice, mom will be happy to know.
when my stop came, i went straight to school. then i rushed up the stairs to the floor where my first class for today would be. i went to the toilet and looked in the mirror. i had a big, dried drop of blood on the tip of my nose. no wonder people stared at me. after washing everything off, i texted my cousin about the situation. she laughed her ass off. after that i also noticed that i had blood stains on my jeans. my mom will be *very* happy. i'm now sitting in school. i have a day to half past three. yay.
|
nosebleed in a bus is messy, especially if you haven't got any paper.**
|
wiping my nose on my coat sleeve.
|
[
"today, my school started at 10.55, so i got to",
"sleep until 9.15. it felt like heaven. when i was",
"ready, i took the 10 o' clock bus, so i would be",
"in school around 10.40. my bus ride takes around",
"36 minutes.",
"five minutes into the bus ride. i notice my nose",
"is a little bit runny. this is normal and happens",
"to many people when they go from somewhere cold",
"(outside) to somewhere warm (the bus). it felt",
"annoying, as something runs down your nose. i had",
"to wipe it on my coat sleeve. now it was all",
"normal again. then, i felt it was running again.",
"it started to drip from my nose. i had no idea",
"what was going on. when i was texting on my phone",
"it hit me. the drops were red.",
"\"perfect\", i thought. now i'm sitting in a bus",
"with a nosebleed. paper is nowhere to be seen and",
"it drips all the time. my coat sleeve was now",
"substituting for paper, as i couldn't let the",
"blood drip on the bus floor or seat. after a",
"little while, i remember the first aid for",
"nosebleed. i leaned forward, and pressed with my",
"fingers on my nose, a little bit under the nose",
"bone. now the nosebleed was in control. after ca.",
"10 minutes, the blood in my nose was dry enough",
"so i didn't have to keep pressure on it.",
"now the situation was under control, and time was",
"for aftermath. i see a few drops hit the bus",
"seat, but i didn't care about that then anymore,",
"as the stain was visible only if you looked",
"closely. my right hand had a little blood on it.",
"my right sleeve on my coat had quite much blood",
"on it. the best thing is that my coat is black",
"and white. nice, mom will be happy to know.",
"when my stop came, i went straight to school.",
"then i rushed up the stairs to the floor where my",
"first class for today would be. i went to the",
"toilet and looked in the mirror. i had a big,",
"dried drop of blood on the tip of my nose. no",
"wonder people stared at me. after washing",
"everything off, i texted my cousin about the",
"situation. she laughed her ass off. after that i",
"also noticed that i had blood stains on my jeans.",
"my mom will be *very* happy. i'm now sitting in",
"school. i have a day to half past three. yay."
] |
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"perfect", i thought. now i'm sitting in a bus as the stain was visible only if you looked
|
4 | 11 | 0.71 | 4 |
ok.. i just need to rant a little, everyone. i need to provide some backstory before i can get into my fuck up of the day.
so i have this weird thing about urinating in sinks. i'm 26, male, and have been peeing in sinks for at least 10 years, even if there is a perfectly fine toilet sitting next to it. i've peed in friend's bathroom sinks, strangers kitchen sinks, my girlfriend's parent's bathroom sink, public sinks (bars), and countless times in my own sink. all over the place. you get the idea. when i'm done i really don't clean the sink up excessively well- i'll generally run hot water and splash it all over to get all the pee down the drain. i couldn't tell you why i do this. i know it's disgusting, an outright selfish and abominable thing to do to the poor people who use the sink after me, unwitting to the fact that i've urinated down it. i know there's a lot wrong with me mentally, this is just one of the lovely little things that i do and honestly it's not the worst.
on to tonight's news. i moved back to my parent's apartment sort of recently (i am unemployed and broke) and my 28 y.o. sister is still living here as well. i was in the kitchen around 11:30pm making some challah bread toast. i only had a dim light on so i could see what i was doing. my parents were in their room asleep and my sister was in her room with the door closed. while i was waiting for my toast to finish i went up to the kitchen sink, stood on my tip-toes and pulled my pecker out to pee. usually when i pee in the kitchen at night i'll check behind me to see if the light has changed down the hall way: that means that someone is out of their room and possibly coming my way. i guess i wasn't careful enough this time and my sister walked behind me into the kitchen while i had my pecker out and streaming into the sink. i heard her coming in at the last second and was able to stop midstream, and flip my shirt over my penis to hide it. she came right over to the sink and i faked rinsing out a already very clean looking bowl that was in there. she dropped off a mug at the side of the sink next to me and walked away, wordless. we usually don't talk at all, so this is normal behavior. i don't *think* she saw what i was doing as my back was to her and the room was dark, but she must have known something was up by my sudden rushed motions when she came in.
i know it would be a good thing for me and everyone my behavior effects if i was outed tonight, but i'm still so afraid that i may have been. she internalizes a lot and she's rather non-confrontational so i don't think she would say anything to me about it if she did indeed catch me in the act. i would guess that she would probably talk to my mom about it and have her talk to me. because that's just what she does. meh.
anyway.. thanks for hearing me out, everyone. i've never told anyone about this before now.
|
i peed in the kitchen sink when i thought i was alone and my sister may have caught me in the act.
|
peeing in the kitchen sink
|
[
"ok.. i just need to rant a little, everyone. i",
"need to provide some backstory before i can get",
"into my fuck up of the day.",
"so i have this weird thing about urinating in",
"sinks. i'm 26, male, and have been peeing in",
"sinks for at least 10 years, even if there is a",
"perfectly fine toilet sitting next to it. i've",
"peed in friend's bathroom sinks, strangers",
"kitchen sinks, my girlfriend's parent's bathroom",
"sink, public sinks (bars), and countless times in",
"my own sink. all over the place. you get the",
"idea. when i'm done i really don't clean the sink",
"up excessively well- i'll generally run hot water",
"and splash it all over to get all the pee down",
"the drain. i couldn't tell you why i do this. i",
"know it's disgusting, an outright selfish and",
"abominable thing to do to the poor people who use",
"the sink after me, unwitting to the fact that",
"i've urinated down it. i know there's a lot wrong",
"with me mentally, this is just one of the lovely",
"little things that i do and honestly it's not the",
"worst.",
"on to tonight's news. i moved back to my parent's",
"apartment sort of recently (i am unemployed and",
"broke) and my 28 y.o. sister is still living here",
"as well. i was in the kitchen around 11:30pm",
"making some challah bread toast. i only had a dim",
"light on so i could see what i was doing. my",
"parents were in their room asleep and my sister",
"was in her room with the door closed. while i was",
"waiting for my toast to finish i went up to the",
"kitchen sink, stood on my tip-toes and pulled my",
"pecker out to pee. usually when i pee in the",
"kitchen at night i'll check behind me to see if",
"the light has changed down the hall way: that",
"means that someone is out of their room and",
"possibly coming my way. i guess i wasn't careful",
"enough this time and my sister walked behind me",
"into the kitchen while i had my pecker out and",
"streaming into the sink. i heard her coming in at",
"the last second and was able to stop midstream,",
"and flip my shirt over my penis to hide it. she",
"came right over to the sink and i faked rinsing",
"out a already very clean looking bowl that was in",
"there. she dropped off a mug at the side of the",
"sink next to me and walked away, wordless. we",
"usually don't talk at all, so this is normal",
"behavior. i don't *think* she saw what i was",
"doing as my back was to her and the room was",
"dark, but she must have known something was up by",
"my sudden rushed motions when she came in.",
"i know it would be a good thing for me and",
"everyone my behavior effects if i was outed",
"tonight, but i'm still so afraid that i may have",
"been. she internalizes a lot and she's rather",
"non-confrontational so i don't think she would",
"say anything to me about it if she did indeed",
"catch me in the act. i would guess that she would",
"probably talk to my mom about it and have her",
"talk to me. because that's just what she does.",
"meh.",
"anyway.. thanks for hearing me out, everyone.",
"i've never told anyone about this before now."
] |
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as well. i was in the kitchen around 11:30pm enough this time and my sister walked behind me catch me in the act. i would guess that she would
|
103 | 16 | 0.82 | 103 |
i had been having diarreah for the better part of the morning (thanks cheap liquor and taco bell). so when i got out of the shower this morning i like to dry my dirty bits by standing in front of a fan. while doing this i had the urge to fart...i violently shit into the fan. it was awful, the poop got sprayed into a good 6 foot radius all over my bedroom. just finished the clean up and i'm currently basking in a mixture of shame and glory.
|
never trust a fart.
|
shit into a fan
|
[
"i had been having diarreah for the better part of",
"the morning (thanks cheap liquor and taco bell).",
"so when i got out of the shower this morning i",
"like to dry my dirty bits by standing in front of",
"a fan. while doing this i had the urge to",
"fart...i violently shit into the fan. it was",
"awful, the poop got sprayed into a good 6 foot",
"radius all over my bedroom. just finished the",
"clean up and i'm currently basking in a mixture",
"of shame and glory."
] |
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clean up and i'm currently basking in a mixture
|
4 | 5 | 0.52 | 4 |
this happened like three weeks ago so bear with me. i was in my drivers ed car(insurance reduction mothafucka) so were driving slow through a construction area and i see a few cops searching a car. and these are the unmarked car black suit kinda cops, so they're rummaging through the car and i think to yell as we pass "the fucker is hauling meth". instantly after i yell this one of the cops looks up at me. guess the fuck what, its the sheriff who's friends with both of my parents. so i get home and get the full shitstorm of rage for two hours. the only irony of this whole thing is they did actually find drugs in the car.
|
yelled at cop searching a car, he knows my parents and i heard their shit for two hours
|
yelling to a cop out the window
|
[
"this happened like three weeks ago so bear with",
"me. i was in my drivers ed car(insurance",
"reduction mothafucka) so were driving slow",
"through a construction area and i see a few cops",
"searching a car. and these are the unmarked car",
"black suit kinda cops, so they're rummaging",
"through the car and i think to yell as we pass",
"\"the fucker is hauling meth\". instantly after i",
"yell this one of the cops looks up at me. guess",
"the fuck what, its the sheriff who's friends with",
"both of my parents. so i get home and get the",
"full shitstorm of rage for two hours. the only",
"irony of this whole thing is they did actually",
"find drugs in the car."
] |
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searching a car. and these are the unmarked car full shitstorm of rage for two hours. the only
|
0 | 9 | 0.35 | 0 |
decided to go to the bar tonight and little did i know my mom was there. i somewhat recognized her and gave her a molly (i had taken one as well.) well i get pretty wasted and i was faded from the molly and started chatting up my mom. turns out, i decide to leave the bar with my mom. we go back to my (our) place and have sex.
|
; hooked up with mom.
|
hooking up with my mom.
|
[
"decided to go to the bar tonight and little did i",
"know my mom was there. i somewhat recognized her",
"and gave her a molly (i had taken one as well.)",
"well i get pretty wasted and i was faded from the",
"molly and started chatting up my mom. turns out,",
"i decide to leave the bar with my mom. we go back",
"to my (our) place and have sex."
] |
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molly and started chatting up my mom. turns out,
|
12 | 0 | 0.78 | 12 |
so this actually happened about 10 years ago when i was in college. some friends and i were eating lunch in the cafeteria. we joke around a lot and all have odd senses or humor. anyway, at the next table, a group students were just sitting down. one of them was a little person.
i don't know why i did it, i'm not normally a prejudiced jackhole. i was picked on as a kid and i know how it hurts to be made fun of. but nonetheless, on an impulse born of pure dickheadedness, i leaned in and quietly said to my friend sitting across from me, "hey, check out the midget over there."
her back was to this little person and her friends. when my friend heard "over there" it didn't occur to her that it could possibly mean "directly fucking behind you" cause she loudly and enthusiastically turned around exclaiming, "ooh! a midget! where?!"
the little person looked over in shock. her friends looked at us like we were scum (accurate). my friend turned back facing me and died inside at what she had just done. we have never spoken of this incident since.
|
i was seized by a moment of temporary douche-sanity.
|
pointing at a little person.
|
[
"so this actually happened about 10 years ago when",
"i was in college. some friends and i were eating",
"lunch in the cafeteria. we joke around a lot and",
"all have odd senses or humor. anyway, at the next",
"table, a group students were just sitting down.",
"one of them was a little person.",
"i don't know why i did it, i'm not normally a",
"prejudiced jackhole. i was picked on as a kid and",
"i know how it hurts to be made fun of. but",
"nonetheless, on an impulse born of pure",
"dickheadedness, i leaned in and quietly said to",
"my friend sitting across from me, \"hey, check out",
"the midget over there.\"",
"her back was to this little person and her",
"friends. when my friend heard \"over there\" it",
"didn't occur to her that it could possibly mean",
"\"directly fucking behind you\" cause she loudly",
"and enthusiastically turned around exclaiming,",
"\"ooh! a midget! where?!\"",
"the little person looked over in shock. her",
"friends looked at us like we were scum",
"(accurate). my friend turned back facing me and",
"died inside at what she had just done. we have",
"never spoken of this incident since."
] |
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prejudiced jackhole. i was picked on as a kid and
|
1,681 | 272 | 0.92 | 1,681 |
my mother teaches kindergarten, and i stopped by her class on the way to my own school to bring her some shit she needed for the day.
she introduced me to her loud-ass kids. "this is my daughter, lydia, blah blah blah. she's a big college kid." they were all in awe. i felt kinda like a rockstar.
afterwards, a boy ran up to me, holding a chair like a shield. i thought he wanted to tell me something, but he just kept running. that's when the little bastard drove his chair upward, into my unsuspecting crotch.
all the wind left my body and i fell to the ground, holding myself. i flopped on the floor like a fish. mom pulled the brat aside while i, embarrassed and hurting, limped into the hallway, where i plopped down on a bench. i sat there, listening to my mom chew the kid out inside. i couldn't hear what she said, but the whole situation was pretty humiliating. i occasionally heard him cry "but she's a girl!" i guess he thought it wouldn't hurt because i'm a lady. i was sorry to prove him wrong.
a few minutes later, the boy came into the hall. my mom had forced him to give me a reluctant apology. i was even more pissed off now. "you’re supposed to say 'it's okay.'" he said. "fuck you, asshole!" my mouth shrieked on its own. the whole hall turned to look at me like a monster. if only they knew my story, they'd say the very same thing! i just waddled out the door and drove off to class. now i never want to show my face in that classroom again.
apparently, later that day, the boy asked my mom what "fuck" and "asshole" meant. he also asked if i was a boy. he also had to sit out recess for his vicious attack.
|
children are assholes. fuck 'em.
|
telling a kindergartener "fuck you, asshole"
|
[
"my mother teaches kindergarten, and i stopped by",
"her class on the way to my own school to bring",
"her some shit she needed for the day.",
"she introduced me to her loud-ass kids. \"this is",
"my daughter, lydia, blah blah blah. she's a big",
"college kid.\" they were all in awe. i felt kinda",
"like a rockstar.",
"afterwards, a boy ran up to me, holding a chair",
"like a shield. i thought he wanted to tell me",
"something, but he just kept running. that's when",
"the little bastard drove his chair upward, into",
"my unsuspecting crotch.",
"all the wind left my body and i fell to the",
"ground, holding myself. i flopped on the floor",
"like a fish. mom pulled the brat aside while i,",
"embarrassed and hurting, limped into the hallway,",
"where i plopped down on a bench. i sat there,",
"listening to my mom chew the kid out inside. i",
"couldn't hear what she said, but the whole",
"situation was pretty humiliating. i occasionally",
"heard him cry \"but she's a girl!\" i guess he",
"thought it wouldn't hurt because i'm a lady. i",
"was sorry to prove him wrong.",
"a few minutes later, the boy came into the hall.",
"my mom had forced him to give me a reluctant",
"apology. i was even more pissed off now. \"you’re",
"supposed to say 'it's okay.'\" he said. \"fuck you,",
"asshole!\" my mouth shrieked on its own. the whole",
"hall turned to look at me like a monster. if only",
"they knew my story, they'd say the very same",
"thing! i just waddled out the door and drove off",
"to class. now i never want to show my face in",
"that classroom again.",
"apparently, later that day, the boy asked my mom",
"what \"fuck\" and \"asshole\" meant. he also asked if",
"i was a boy. he also had to sit out recess for",
"his vicious attack."
] |
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supposed to say 'it's okay.'" he said. "fuck you,
|
21 | 22 | 0.93 | 21 |
to complete the trifecta of disaster that has befallen me this past month, i got an eviction notice.
the day after finals ended, the management company that owns my apartment came around that morning to change the batteries in the smoke detectors in all the apartments. they're supposed to give 24 hours notice before entering the apartments but are pretty bad about it--sometimes they only put a notice up the morning they start maintenance.
anyway, it was about 9 am and my boyfriend and i had slept through the alarm we had mistakenly left set, which had been going off for about two hours at that point. we were woken up by someone pounding on the door. he bolted out of bed and asked who it was. some guy answered and said he was there to change the batteries in the smoke detector.
here's the problem: we had just gotten done with an insane round of finals, and had spent the past three weeks or so writing papers and studying and doing paperwork, with little time for anything else. needless to say, we'd been a bit lax with cleaning and our apartment was littered with dirty coffee mugs, plates, pizza boxes, papers, various other detritus, and about a month's worth of dirty laundry.
bf asked the guy if he could come back in a few minutes. he said he had to do all the apartments in order, but that he would wait. it ended up taking twenty minutes for us to get everything into garbage bags and hampers and hidden away. we finally let the guy in, it takes about thirty seconds to change the battery, and then he's gone.
cut to ten minutes later. somebody pound on the door and screams "management! i need to talk to you!" obviously we have no choice but to open the door. let it be known that this company owns half the property in town, most of the student housing, and is pretty spectacularly unreasonable. the bitch from the management office was standing there, and wanted to know what had happened with the smoke detector thing, talking down to us, generally being bitchy and unreasonable, and going on about how we should be "concerned for our own safety", apparent fire hazards, and other bullshit, and that due to our history (we were a few days late on rent payment this semester) and the state of our apartment (at that point it was down to three laundry baskets in the living room) they would have to evict us. we have four days (this happened yesterday) to get this place in a "rentable" condition since they'll never let us re-sign, or we're out.
the problem isn't that the place is dirty, it's that two people are living in a place meant for one person, and that we have pretty much all we own in this apartment. with one closet.
looks like i'll be homeless on christmas eve.
edit: i say "bitch from the management office" because she's been trying to find a reason to have us kicked out for about three months now.
edit (ii): got eviction notice in mail yesterday and had to sign for it. definitely fucked.
|
didn't clean my apartment for about a month prior to finals, got pretty bad. unexpected wake-up call from the management the morning after finals ended to do maintenance, place was chaos. got eviction notice and will be out on my ass if i don't get this place spotless in four days.
|
not cleaning my apartment
|
[
"to complete the trifecta of disaster that has",
"befallen me this past month, i got an eviction",
"notice.",
"the day after finals ended, the management",
"company that owns my apartment came around that",
"morning to change the batteries in the smoke",
"detectors in all the apartments. they're supposed",
"to give 24 hours notice before entering the",
"apartments but are pretty bad about it--sometimes",
"they only put a notice up the morning they start",
"maintenance.",
"anyway, it was about 9 am and my boyfriend and i",
"had slept through the alarm we had mistakenly",
"left set, which had been going off for about two",
"hours at that point. we were woken up by someone",
"pounding on the door. he bolted out of bed and",
"asked who it was. some guy answered and said he",
"was there to change the batteries in the smoke",
"detector.",
"here's the problem: we had just gotten done with",
"an insane round of finals, and had spent the past",
"three weeks or so writing papers and studying and",
"doing paperwork, with little time for anything",
"else. needless to say, we'd been a bit lax with",
"cleaning and our apartment was littered with",
"dirty coffee mugs, plates, pizza boxes, papers,",
"various other detritus, and about a month's worth",
"of dirty laundry.",
"bf asked the guy if he could come back in a few",
"minutes. he said he had to do all the apartments",
"in order, but that he would wait. it ended up",
"taking twenty minutes for us to get everything",
"into garbage bags and hampers and hidden away. we",
"finally let the guy in, it takes about thirty",
"seconds to change the battery, and then he's",
"gone.",
"cut to ten minutes later. somebody pound on the",
"door and screams \"management! i need to talk to",
"you!\" obviously we have no choice but to open the",
"door. let it be known that this company owns half",
"the property in town, most of the student",
"housing, and is pretty spectacularly",
"unreasonable. the bitch from the management",
"office was standing there, and wanted to know",
"what had happened with the smoke detector thing,",
"talking down to us, generally being bitchy and",
"unreasonable, and going on about how we should be",
"\"concerned for our own safety\", apparent fire",
"hazards, and other bullshit, and that due to our",
"history (we were a few days late on rent payment",
"this semester) and the state of our apartment (at",
"that point it was down to three laundry baskets",
"in the living room) they would have to evict us.",
"we have four days (this happened yesterday) to",
"get this place in a \"rentable\" condition since",
"they'll never let us re-sign, or we're out.",
"the problem isn't that the place is dirty, it's",
"that two people are living in a place meant for",
"one person, and that we have pretty much all we",
"own in this apartment. with one closet.",
"looks like i'll be homeless on christmas eve.",
"edit: i say \"bitch from the management office\"",
"because she's been trying to find a reason to",
"have us kicked out for about three months now.",
"edit (ii): got eviction notice in mail yesterday",
"and had to sign for it. definitely fucked."
] |
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the day after finals ended, the management apartments but are pretty bad about it--sometimes we have four days (this happened yesterday) to get this place in a "rentable" condition since edit: i say "bitch from the management office" edit (ii): got eviction notice in mail yesterday
|
30 | 20 | 0.8 | 30 |
this just happened and i need to get it out of my system. sadly, shit is not something i tend to talk with my friends and i do not feel very proud of it.
i had a huge double hamburger with french fries and a beer for dinner (screw you stomach! i'm on winter break), pretty good stuff. but eating that much made me want to shit really bad (it's a 'thing', i always shit after eating a lot for dinner), so, like any other normal day i just went to the bathroom. all looks good, nothing out of the ordinary, i'm alone at home, i have tons of toilet paper and not a worry in the world.
all went pretty well, wasn't the best shit i had in my life, but i gotta tell you, i still feel refreshed from it.
i finish my business, clean myself and when i flush the toilet the water pressure is quite low for some reason and doesn't take all the load. rather, it just makes it dance all over the place for a while... i wait the tank to fill and try again. most of the shit leaves, but there's this one motherfucker who, somehow, got stuck *vertically* in the toilet. it looks like a shitty greek pillar holding the toilet together.
jesuschrist, i've flushed 5 times and the fucking piece of shit won't leave. i'm hoping water will make it softer so the next flush will make it go away... if not, god knows what i'm going to do, i don't have a pump (and i don't think it fit this particular kind of toilet), and getting close to shit makes me puke. ugh...
anyway, not the greatest story but i needed to share my first world problems with someone.
|
a shit pillar is stuck in my toilet in the weirdest way i can think of.
|
shitting vertically
|
[
"this just happened and i need to get it out of my",
"system. sadly, shit is not something i tend to",
"talk with my friends and i do not feel very proud",
"of it.",
"i had a huge double hamburger with french fries",
"and a beer for dinner (screw you stomach! i'm on",
"winter break), pretty good stuff. but eating that",
"much made me want to shit really bad (it's a",
"'thing', i always shit after eating a lot for",
"dinner), so, like any other normal day i just",
"went to the bathroom. all looks good, nothing out",
"of the ordinary, i'm alone at home, i have tons",
"of toilet paper and not a worry in the world.",
"all went pretty well, wasn't the best shit i had",
"in my life, but i gotta tell you, i still feel",
"refreshed from it.",
"i finish my business, clean myself and when i",
"flush the toilet the water pressure is quite low",
"for some reason and doesn't take all the load.",
"rather, it just makes it dance all over the place",
"for a while... i wait the tank to fill and try",
"again. most of the shit leaves, but there's this",
"one motherfucker who, somehow, got stuck",
"*vertically* in the toilet. it looks like a",
"shitty greek pillar holding the toilet together.",
"jesuschrist, i've flushed 5 times and the fucking",
"piece of shit won't leave. i'm hoping water will",
"make it softer so the next flush will make it go",
"away... if not, god knows what i'm going to do, i",
"don't have a pump (and i don't think it fit this",
"particular kind of toilet), and getting close to",
"shit makes me puke. ugh...",
"anyway, not the greatest story but i needed to",
"share my first world problems with someone."
] |
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system. sadly, shit is not something i tend to of toilet paper and not a worry in the world.
|
4 | 24 | 0.53 | 4 |
backstory: so i am 15 and live with my parents and 5 yr old brother. my mom is very strict but my dad on the other hand is the chillest.
but anyway, i had just gotten some weed from my dealer( he lives right up the street so i can easily walk there.) so when i get home im sitting in my room looking at the reef when all of a sudden i hear my sliding glass door open downstairs which means my parents are home from picking up my bro from elementary school(his school is right behind my backyard fence so they just walk there and back to pick him up.) anyway the weed was still sitting on my desk so i quickly grabbed it and threw it into a "land before time" cassette case. i though this was a good spot, wrong! later when i got out of the shower i saw my light in my bedroom was on so i ran in to investigate only to find my whole box of old childhood memories was gone so i ran downstairs to find my brother watching "land before time" and the weed sitting on the counter with my parents sitting at the counter saying, "i think we need to talk." my mom then proceeded to take me to the police station to talk to an officer. so we got in the station and my mom went up to the counter and asked for a officer, five minutes passed and a cop came out and waved us back to one of those creepy-ass interrogation rooms.( meanwhile we were walking back i got at least a good 10 second stare from every cop in the damn office.) so we go back there and he spills the same mumbo jumbo i've been hearing for 7 years. and he ends off with "weed is just like heroin so don't do it."(wtf no bro... no) and so me and my madre left the police station and headed back to the abode were then the 2 hour yelling fest started which led to me being grounded for 2 months( no phone, no play station, and no leaving the house!) and the worst is i cant even go to our schools big basketball games which are huge where i live. i feel like i lost my moms trust and i don't know what to do so please help. its already been a day since i got caught.
edit: my dad didn't care, he has already told me he toked when he was my age, all he did was just say don't do it again and got up from the counter and walked away.
|
- don't hide weed in your cassette tapes when you have a younging living with you.
|
hiding my weed in the wrong spot
|
[
"backstory: so i am 15 and live with my parents and",
"5 yr old brother. my mom is very strict but my",
"dad on the other hand is the chillest.",
"but anyway, i had just gotten some weed from my",
"dealer( he lives right up the street so i can",
"easily walk there.) so when i get home im sitting",
"in my room looking at the reef when all of a",
"sudden i hear my sliding glass door open",
"downstairs which means my parents are home from",
"picking up my bro from elementary school(his",
"school is right behind my backyard fence so they",
"just walk there and back to pick him up.) anyway",
"the weed was still sitting on my desk so i",
"quickly grabbed it and threw it into a \"land",
"before time\" cassette case. i though this was a",
"good spot, wrong! later when i got out of the",
"shower i saw my light in my bedroom was on so i",
"ran in to investigate only to find my whole box",
"of old childhood memories was gone so i ran",
"downstairs to find my brother watching \"land",
"before time\" and the weed sitting on the counter",
"with my parents sitting at the counter saying, \"i",
"think we need to talk.\" my mom then proceeded to",
"take me to the police station to talk to an",
"officer. so we got in the station and my mom went",
"up to the counter and asked for a officer, five",
"minutes passed and a cop came out and waved us",
"back to one of those creepy-ass interrogation",
"rooms.( meanwhile we were walking back i got at",
"least a good 10 second stare from every cop in",
"the damn office.) so we go back there and he",
"spills the same mumbo jumbo i've been hearing for",
"7 years. and he ends off with \"weed is just like",
"heroin so don't do it.\"(wtf no bro... no) and so",
"me and my madre left the police station and",
"headed back to the abode were then the 2 hour",
"yelling fest started which led to me being",
"grounded for 2 months( no phone, no play station,",
"and no leaving the house!) and the worst is i",
"cant even go to our schools big basketball games",
"which are huge where i live. i feel like i lost",
"my moms trust and i don't know what to do so",
"please help. its already been a day since i got",
"caught.",
"edit: my dad didn't care, he has already told me",
"he toked when he was my age, all he did was just",
"say don't do it again and got up from the counter",
"and walked away."
] |
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in my room looking at the reef when all of a 7 years. and he ends off with "weed is just like
|
1,041 | 157 | 0.93 | 1,041 |
my girlfriend's cousin had just moved to the city and needed a place to live. he was trying to get away from his abusive parents and out of a bad life to get a fresh start. my gf said it would be ok for him to stay with us until he could get onto his feet.
he lived with us for about two months, in that time he got a job he was paying us rent, covered his own food and bills, found a girlfriend for himself and was really getting his life together.
everything was good until i came home from work. the front door to our apartment was unlock and open slightly which as odd. we stepped into the apartment and there were a bunch of shoes that we didn't recognize. i called out to see if anyone was there and there was no response so i walked into my living room and noticed that we had been robbed.
they had stolen between $5000.000 to $10000.00 worth of stuff. we immediately called the police. in the 4 hours it took for them to show up we searched the house trying to take account of everything they had taken. we quickly discovered a bag in the middle of the room that was filled with needles, there was a pop can filled with cigarette ash and butts (we don't smoke). as mentioned before they had left behind pairs of shoes (but don't take any of our shoes). mostly they just stole electronics, movies, video games, and small things.
we tried to get a hold of my gf cousin to make sure he was ok. we could not get a hold of him on his cell phone, when we called we got a message it had been disconnected. we checked the voice mail on hour home phone and found a voice mail form his dad letting him know that he had bought him a bus ticket home for that day. we quickly called his work and found out that he had skipped his last shift. at this point we were starting to believe that he had been the one to rob us.
we decided to go onto his facebook, we looked through the friends that he had in the city, sure enough some of the shoes that were left behind matched the shoes that his friends were wearing in the photos. the bag left even match one his female friend had carried around. when the police finally showed up we gave point out all the strange things left behind in our apartment, we showed them the photo we found on face book. i gave them the serial numbers to my electronics, and told them what we think had happened.
edit* correcting "girlfriend's cousin"
|
- my girlfriend's cousin was staying with us, one day he left the province without a word. that same day we were robbed. the robbers left behind shoes, pop cans, smokes, a bags, and needles. we were able to make some the stuff left behind to some of his friends
|
letting my gf cousin live with us.
|
[
"my girlfriend's cousin had just moved to the city",
"and needed a place to live. he was trying to get",
"away from his abusive parents and out of a bad",
"life to get a fresh start. my gf said it would be",
"ok for him to stay with us until he could get",
"onto his feet.",
"he lived with us for about two months, in that",
"time he got a job he was paying us rent, covered",
"his own food and bills, found a girlfriend for",
"himself and was really getting his life together.",
"everything was good until i came home from work.",
"the front door to our apartment was unlock and",
"open slightly which as odd. we stepped into the",
"apartment and there were a bunch of shoes that we",
"didn't recognize. i called out to see if anyone",
"was there and there was no response so i walked",
"into my living room and noticed that we had been",
"robbed.",
"they had stolen between $5000.000 to $10000.00",
"worth of stuff. we immediately called the police.",
"in the 4 hours it took for them to show up we",
"searched the house trying to take account of",
"everything they had taken. we quickly discovered",
"a bag in the middle of the room that was filled",
"with needles, there was a pop can filled with",
"cigarette ash and butts (we don't smoke). as",
"mentioned before they had left behind pairs of",
"shoes (but don't take any of our shoes). mostly",
"they just stole electronics, movies, video games,",
"and small things.",
"we tried to get a hold of my gf cousin to make",
"sure he was ok. we could not get a hold of him on",
"his cell phone, when we called we got a message",
"it had been disconnected. we checked the voice",
"mail on hour home phone and found a voice mail",
"form his dad letting him know that he had bought",
"him a bus ticket home for that day. we quickly",
"called his work and found out that he had skipped",
"his last shift. at this point we were starting to",
"believe that he had been the one to rob us.",
"we decided to go onto his facebook, we looked",
"through the friends that he had in the city, sure",
"enough some of the shoes that were left behind",
"matched the shoes that his friends were wearing",
"in the photos. the bag left even match one his",
"female friend had carried around. when the police",
"finally showed up we gave point out all the",
"strange things left behind in our apartment, we",
"showed them the photo we found on face book. i",
"gave them the serial numbers to my electronics,",
"and told them what we think had happened.",
"edit* correcting \"girlfriend's cousin\""
] |
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my girlfriend's cousin had just moved to the city robbed. with needles, there was a pop can filled with believe that he had been the one to rob us. enough some of the shoes that were left behind matched the shoes that his friends were wearing
|
18 | 6 | 0.85 | 18 |
no throwaways because hell i dont care if my friends see this! techinically this was last night to late this morning.
so lets just get down to it shall we?
i have a wicked broken tooth in my mouth, i mean it is cracked right in half, exposed nerves and all that fun stuff. why don't i get it fixed? well i do not have a job with benefits to cover that, yet! now moving on.
last night after many hours spent watching the fiance' play some final fantasy, we wanted some sexy times. now let me add, just before he decided it was "go time" i had a horrid toothache and i needed to use my orajel: here comes the fuck up. i'm doing my thing, making him all happy and i just decide "ah hell with it michellexkarma, hes had his now it is time for yours" so i climb on top and after a few moments of thrusting i feel a strange tingling below. i shrug it off and do my thing but, the "sensation" is getting stronger, like someone is fucking me with an icicle. finally after a few moments it's almost completely unbearable, so i stop and tell him there is an intense burning like issue in the nether-regions . then it hits me. the god damn orajel. so, i had to sit on the floor and let my "area" settle and ended up not getting a good night of fun.
|
having sexy times with fiance, felt like a peen made of ice was penetrating me. edit: apparently i don't know how to write >.x
|
using orajel
|
[
"no throwaways because hell i dont care if my",
"friends see this! techinically this was last",
"night to late this morning.",
"so lets just get down to it shall we?",
"i have a wicked broken tooth in my mouth, i mean",
"it is cracked right in half, exposed nerves and",
"all that fun stuff. why don't i get it fixed?",
"well i do not have a job with benefits to cover",
"that, yet! now moving on.",
"last night after many hours spent watching the",
"fiance' play some final fantasy, we wanted some",
"sexy times. now let me add, just before he",
"decided it was \"go time\" i had a horrid toothache",
"and i needed to use my orajel: here comes the",
"fuck up. i'm doing my thing, making him all",
"happy and i just decide \"ah hell with it",
"michellexkarma, hes had his now it is time for",
"yours\" so i climb on top and after a few moments",
"of thrusting i feel a strange tingling below. i",
"shrug it off and do my thing but, the \"sensation\"",
"is getting stronger, like someone is fucking me",
"with an icicle. finally after a few moments it's",
"almost completely unbearable, so i stop and tell",
"him there is an intense burning like issue in the",
"nether-regions . then it hits me. the god damn",
"orajel. so, i had to sit on the floor and let my",
"\"area\" settle and ended up not getting a good",
"night of fun."
] |
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no throwaways because hell i dont care if my well i do not have a job with benefits to cover sexy times. now let me add, just before he
|
0 | 1 | 0.33 | 0 |
so there i am taking a shower and i feel the need to clear the snorkel. the shower i'm in is a bath tub and a shower so it has the little pop up drain stopper. well the stopper is pulled up and i start peeing directly on it so the pee will go right down the drain. unfortunately, the pee hitting the stopper caused it to go down. at this point i'm in the middle of the pee and can't really stop. the pee starts collecting around the stopper and when i'm done i have to reach down into my own pee and pull the stopper up.
when i felt a the need to pee pay,
i started to pee and let it all free,
but the pee did not go away.
|
i was taking a shower today,
|
peeing in the shower.
|
[
"so there i am taking a shower and i feel the need",
"to clear the snorkel. the shower i'm in is a bath",
"tub and a shower so it has the little pop up",
"drain stopper. well the stopper is pulled up and",
"i start peeing directly on it so the pee will go",
"right down the drain. unfortunately, the pee",
"hitting the stopper caused it to go down. at this",
"point i'm in the middle of the pee and can't",
"really stop. the pee starts collecting around the",
"stopper and when i'm done i have to reach down",
"into my own pee and pull the stopper up.",
"when i felt a the need to pee pay,",
"i started to pee and let it all free,",
"but the pee did not go away."
] |
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so there i am taking a shower and i feel the need
|
30 | 8 | 0.9 | 30 |
i don't like getting my hair cut. i hate the awkward conversations you have to hold with them starting into your own reflection. anyway, a bottle of jack into the evening i decide to let her cut my shaggy hair. all was going well with the scissors and then it was time to even it out with the clippers. set to about 2cm she begins to tidy it up. the guard fell off. the sheer terror in her eyes before i realised what happened was horrifying. i looked in the mirror and had a reverse mohawk. i didn't know what to do so continued to shave the rest. i am totally bald and shiny now. i also have to go to work... as my role of an executive. i look awful and i'm super unhappy about it.
|
i love my wife.
|
letting my wife cut my hair whilst drunk
|
[
"i don't like getting my hair cut. i hate the",
"awkward conversations you have to hold with them",
"starting into your own reflection. anyway, a",
"bottle of jack into the evening i decide to let",
"her cut my shaggy hair. all was going well with",
"the scissors and then it was time to even it out",
"with the clippers. set to about 2cm she begins to",
"tidy it up. the guard fell off. the sheer terror",
"in her eyes before i realised what happened was",
"horrifying. i looked in the mirror and had a",
"reverse mohawk. i didn't know what to do so",
"continued to shave the rest. i am totally bald",
"and shiny now. i also have to go to work... as my",
"role of an executive. i look awful and i'm super",
"unhappy about it."
] |
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i don't like getting my hair cut. i hate the
|
0 | 17 | 0.43 | 0 |
i'm a silly teenager, and although i have no reason to shave my pubic hair, today i decided i would do it just to see what it's like. only after i finished shaving, i remembered i have a physical during christmas break. during my physical, my doctor will look at my dick and every thing else. i think it will be very awkward. does anybody know how to make hair grow back faster, so it at least looks like i just have short hair?
|
i'm a teenager, i shaved my pubes, then remembered i have a physical soon.
|
shaving pubic hair
|
[
"i'm a silly teenager, and although i have no",
"reason to shave my pubic hair, today i decided i",
"would do it just to see what it's like. only",
"after i finished shaving, i remembered i have a",
"physical during christmas break. during my",
"physical, my doctor will look at my dick and",
"every thing else. i think it will be very",
"awkward. does anybody know how to make hair grow",
"back faster, so it at least looks like i just",
"have short hair?"
] |
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i'm a silly teenager, and although i have no after i finished shaving, i remembered i have a
|
6 | 3 | 0.72 | 6 |
applied for transfer to my top choice of college. did all the visible steps and paid money, which then brought me to a confirmation page that i had completed everything. there were no options left, just the completed text. so weeks pass and i get accepted to all the colleges but my top choice, which i hadn't heard anything from. fast forward to today, and it turns out there was one step i didn't finish, but guess what, it didn't tell me that when it said i had completed everything. it lied to me and completely ruined my chances to get into the college due to the deadline, and i'm out almost $100 just for this college. #2 choice here i come i guess.
if any of you have had a similar experience definitely share them.
|
trusted the word of an automated system and screwed myself out of a good college and $100.
|
believing commonapp
|
[
"applied for transfer to my top choice of college.",
"did all the visible steps and paid money, which",
"then brought me to a confirmation page that i had",
"completed everything. there were no options left,",
"just the completed text. so weeks pass and i get",
"accepted to all the colleges but my top choice,",
"which i hadn't heard anything from. fast forward",
"to today, and it turns out there was one step i",
"didn't finish, but guess what, it didn't tell me",
"that when it said i had completed everything. it",
"lied to me and completely ruined my chances to",
"get into the college due to the deadline, and i'm",
"out almost $100 just for this college. #2 choice",
"here i come i guess.",
"if any of you have had a similar experience",
"definitely share them."
] |
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get into the college due to the deadline, and i'm out almost $100 just for this college. #2 choice
|
8 | 2 | 0.67 | 8 |
this didn't happen recently, but it was probably one of the most memorable embarrassing moments of my life. back when i was in high school i used to do a lot of theater. in one show i got a lead role, and the girl who was my romantic interest in the show was incredibly good looking. a couple hours before opening night i finally built up the courage to ask her out for a coffee date and she said yes. it was my first date, and i thought it was going pretty smoothly. we had walked out to the coffee shop, and on our way back i noticed this wall, maybe about 2 meters high. at the time i had really been getting into parkour. i figured that this would be an opportunity to show off. i quickly climbed up the wall and began to walk across the top, beaming. the wall ran parallel to the sidewalk so as i walked along i was looking over at my date and talking with her. i failed to notice that the wall made a sharp turn just a little ways ahead. the next step i took failed to take hold of anything solid. next thing i knew i was falling. fortunately there was a small patch of grass between the wall and the sidewalk. i landed with a thud on my stomach. the girl ran over, and the concern in her voice was unmistakable. despite the pain i was pumped that she cared so much. she helped me up to my feet and asked me if i was ok. i turned to her, and before i could say a word i was ralphing all over her. there was vomit on her hair, face, and neck. i had never called the dinosaurs like that before. instantly the concern from before was replaced with horror and rage. we walked the rest of the 30 minutes back to the theater in uncomfortable silence. we had to perform in an hour.
|
i fell off a wall and puked on a girl on my first date.
|
being a parkour master
|
[
"this didn't happen recently, but it was probably",
"one of the most memorable embarrassing moments of",
"my life. back when i was in high school i used to",
"do a lot of theater. in one show i got a lead",
"role, and the girl who was my romantic interest",
"in the show was incredibly good looking. a couple",
"hours before opening night i finally built up the",
"courage to ask her out for a coffee date and she",
"said yes. it was my first date, and i thought it",
"was going pretty smoothly. we had walked out to",
"the coffee shop, and on our way back i noticed",
"this wall, maybe about 2 meters high. at the time",
"i had really been getting into parkour. i figured",
"that this would be an opportunity to show off. i",
"quickly climbed up the wall and began to walk",
"across the top, beaming. the wall ran parallel to",
"the sidewalk so as i walked along i was looking",
"over at my date and talking with her. i failed to",
"notice that the wall made a sharp turn just a",
"little ways ahead. the next step i took failed to",
"take hold of anything solid. next thing i knew i",
"was falling. fortunately there was a small patch",
"of grass between the wall and the sidewalk. i",
"landed with a thud on my stomach. the girl ran",
"over, and the concern in her voice was",
"unmistakable. despite the pain i was pumped that",
"she cared so much. she helped me up to my feet",
"and asked me if i was ok. i turned to her, and",
"before i could say a word i was ralphing all over",
"her. there was vomit on her hair, face, and neck.",
"i had never called the dinosaurs like that",
"before. instantly the concern from before was",
"replaced with horror and rage. we walked the rest",
"of the 30 minutes back to the theater in",
"uncomfortable silence. we had to perform in an",
"hour."
] |
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said yes. it was my first date, and i thought it landed with a thud on my stomach. the girl ran
|
0 | 3 | 0.36 | 0 |
well this didn't happen today it was a month or so a go but i didn't think of posting it so here it is
so we were having a sleepover at my uncle house the "cool" kind of one and it was me and some other cousins just chilling out till late at night watching movies like always and then i got tired. since the sleepover was unplanned i was still wearing my jeans which i couldn't sleep in. so i ask my aunt for some pajamas and wear them.
since there wasn't enough beds some of us had to sleep together so i had to sleep next to my 6 year old sister and my mom and 18 year old cousin were sleeping on the 2 beds in front of me. i wake up randomly at 7 am and feel moisture in my pants but only around the penis area. at first i thought it was piss and after 10 minutes of me just thinking what the hell i do i started feeling around me and there wasa nothing. no piss on the bed sheets no moisture at all so i was relieved thinking it was just ball sweat but there was too much moisture. i get up go to the washroom and what do i see jizz on my dick i just washed the pants and wore the ones from the night before and acted like nothing happened.
|
had a wet dream in my aunts pajamas while sleeping next to my 6 year old sister and my mom and 18 year old cousin in the 2 beds in front of me.
|
tifu
|
[
"well this didn't happen today it was a month or so",
"a go but i didn't think of posting it so here it",
"is",
"so we were having a sleepover at my uncle house",
"the \"cool\" kind of one and it was me and some",
"other cousins just chilling out till late at",
"night watching movies like always and then i got",
"tired. since the sleepover was unplanned i was",
"still wearing my jeans which i couldn't sleep in.",
"so i ask my aunt for some pajamas and wear them.",
"since there wasn't enough beds some of us had to",
"sleep together so i had to sleep next to my 6",
"year old sister and my mom and 18 year old cousin",
"were sleeping on the 2 beds in front of me. i",
"wake up randomly at 7 am and feel moisture in my",
"pants but only around the penis area. at first i",
"thought it was piss and after 10 minutes of me",
"just thinking what the hell i do i started",
"feeling around me and there wasa nothing. no piss",
"on the bed sheets no moisture at all so i was",
"relieved thinking it was just ball sweat but",
"there was too much moisture. i get up go to the",
"washroom and what do i see jizz on my dick i just",
"washed the pants and wore the ones from the night",
"before and acted like nothing happened."
] |
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sleep together so i had to sleep next to my 6 year old sister and my mom and 18 year old cousin were sleeping on the 2 beds in front of me. i
|
0 | 5 | 0.43 | 0 |
actually yesterday i fucked up, but now i am finally being punished. i know that this story is fairly typical, but this is my first rodeo with food poisoning and unfortunately it's all my fault.
i had just gotten off a 9 hour shift and i was famished. i knew there was nothing quick and easy to eat at home so i stopped by the store. i picked up a bag of chicken patty's that i had never had before. it wasn't anything fancy, it advertised the chicken on a sandwich on the bag. standard stuff. i figured i would head home, pop one in the microwave and munch while wasting my life away on reddit.
i do just that.
a few bites in i found a weirdly textured piece but figured it was just a tendon. mind you, i was dipping the patty pieces in ranch, so i wasn't tasting much other than ranch.
almost 3/4ths of the way through i finally look up from my phone and see something unusual. the patty is a dark pink color, not white... i had been eating nearly raw chicken with out even realizing it. at this point i run to the freezer and look at the package. "foods are uncooked... blah blah... do not microwave"
well fuck me. who makes chicken party's raw?!? never in my life have i ever encountered such a thing.
i spent yesterday evening paying close attention to my stomach feels but nothing seemed to be happening. i thought i was in the clear. i woke up, had a normal day, had plans for the bar this evening and since i finished my summer classes this morning, i was all set to celebrate.
i get to the bar and not even a third into my beautiful and stroooong tequila sunrise, it starts to sound like dinosaurs have resurrected in my lower intestines. i couldn't even finish my drink. i tried to stick it out thinking the pain would pass. wrong. i had the chills every 5 minutes as well as intense cramping.
finally i am home after waiting for my ride to quit canoodling in the corner and here i am unable to leave the toilet because a geyser is erupting from my back door.
|
read the instructions or else you'll have a bad time
|
not paying attention to what i was eating
|
[
"actually yesterday i fucked up, but now i am",
"finally being punished. i know that this story is",
"fairly typical, but this is my first rodeo with",
"food poisoning and unfortunately it's all my",
"fault.",
"i had just gotten off a 9 hour shift and i was",
"famished. i knew there was nothing quick and easy",
"to eat at home so i stopped by the store. i",
"picked up a bag of chicken patty's that i had",
"never had before. it wasn't anything fancy, it",
"advertised the chicken on a sandwich on the bag.",
"standard stuff. i figured i would head home, pop",
"one in the microwave and munch while wasting my",
"life away on reddit.",
"i do just that.",
"a few bites in i found a weirdly textured piece",
"but figured it was just a tendon. mind you, i was",
"dipping the patty pieces in ranch, so i wasn't",
"tasting much other than ranch.",
"almost 3/4ths of the way through i finally look",
"up from my phone and see something unusual. the",
"patty is a dark pink color, not white... i had",
"been eating nearly raw chicken with out even",
"realizing it. at this point i run to the freezer",
"and look at the package. \"foods are uncooked...",
"blah blah... do not microwave\"",
"well fuck me. who makes chicken party's raw?!?",
"never in my life have i ever encountered such a",
"thing.",
"i spent yesterday evening paying close attention",
"to my stomach feels but nothing seemed to be",
"happening. i thought i was in the clear. i woke",
"up, had a normal day, had plans for the bar this",
"evening and since i finished my summer classes",
"this morning, i was all set to celebrate.",
"i get to the bar and not even a third into my",
"beautiful and stroooong tequila sunrise, it",
"starts to sound like dinosaurs have resurrected",
"in my lower intestines. i couldn't even finish my",
"drink. i tried to stick it out thinking the pain",
"would pass. wrong. i had the chills every 5",
"minutes as well as intense cramping.",
"finally i am home after waiting for my ride to",
"quit canoodling in the corner and here i am",
"unable to leave the toilet because a geyser is",
"erupting from my back door."
] |
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advertised the chicken on a sandwich on the bag. starts to sound like dinosaurs have resurrected
|
0 | 0 | 0.38 | 0 |
whenever my dad goes to wendy's he always orders the same thing, some kind of chicken sandwich or something. this time instead of eating it, he left it in the fridge and told me that i could have it. being the hungry dude i was, i of course ate it. this was about 10 in the morning
fast forward to about 12 hours later, that sandwich and subway were the only things i ate today. i'm working on transferring apps/data from my uncle's (nigerian, came into town for a party) galaxy tab 10.1, to his new galaxy tab 2 10.1. all of a sudden, his strong urge to take a shit hits me (kinda gassy before then, but didn't think it was anything) and i get up and run to the nearest bathroom.
little did i know the repairman had been working on stuff in the bathroom, so the toilet was messy and dirty as fuck. although i knew that i had to take a massive, urgent shit, i valued my health too much so i booked it to the upstairs bathroom. mind you, shit was about ready to explode out of my asshole by now, so it took sheer willpower to hold it in.
made it to the upstairs bathroom, and by the time i locked the door, i could feel the wet shit about to explode. as soon as i took off my pants, the floodgates of my asshole opened up, and let loose a torrent of diarrhea on my toilet. thankfully most of it made it into the bowl.
never again will i eat that weird looking chicken sandwich (if it could even be called that) from wendy's
|
-** ate weird chicken sandwich from wendy's, floodgates of asshole opened up, and spewed shit everywhere
|
eating wendy's
|
[
"whenever my dad goes to wendy's he always orders",
"the same thing, some kind of chicken sandwich or",
"something. this time instead of eating it, he",
"left it in the fridge and told me that i could",
"have it. being the hungry dude i was, i of course",
"ate it. this was about 10 in the morning",
"fast forward to about 12 hours later, that",
"sandwich and subway were the only things i ate",
"today. i'm working on transferring apps/data from",
"my uncle's (nigerian, came into town for a party)",
"galaxy tab 10.1, to his new galaxy tab 2 10.1.",
"all of a sudden, his strong urge to take a shit",
"hits me (kinda gassy before then, but didn't",
"think it was anything) and i get up and run to",
"the nearest bathroom.",
"little did i know the repairman had been working",
"on stuff in the bathroom, so the toilet was messy",
"and dirty as fuck. although i knew that i had to",
"take a massive, urgent shit, i valued my health",
"too much so i booked it to the upstairs bathroom.",
"mind you, shit was about ready to explode out of",
"my asshole by now, so it took sheer willpower to",
"hold it in.",
"made it to the upstairs bathroom, and by the time",
"i locked the door, i could feel the wet shit",
"about to explode. as soon as i took off my pants,",
"the floodgates of my asshole opened up, and let",
"loose a torrent of diarrhea on my toilet.",
"thankfully most of it made it into the bowl.",
"never again will i eat that weird looking chicken",
"sandwich (if it could even be called that) from",
"wendy's"
] |
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] |
the floodgates of my asshole opened up, and let wendy's
|
25 | 4 | 0.84 | 25 |
this actually happened about 6 years ago but it is the epitome of my stupidity.
so, i was camping with a group of kids and adults from my church's scout group. we were near the snake river in idaho. we were going to be rafting the river and just having fun for a few days. well, the first day we got to camp we had nothing to do in the afternoon, so we decided to make a rope swing. now, at the time, all the kids were 16-18 and the adults were in their 30s. we had just enough common sense to make a swing on a large branch and not some spindly thing. the branch we picked had a diameter of about 12 inches so we figured it could hold our weight. after finding this branch we tied a hammer to our rope and threw that over. success! our make shift swing was in order. we tested this out and it work perfectly.
over the next few days we grew bored with simple swinging and progressed to more risky activities with the swing. we were full on sprinting to get as high as possible, putting multiple people on it, etc. you know, the kind of stuff teenagers are want to do. now, throughout this time the branch had held its own admirably well (we didn't pick a slouch of a branch after all). if this branch was a bro, he was the ultimate bro. always there for us and never slacking when we needed him. the best kind of bro. we had no reason to doubt the bro-branch when we attempted our final stunt.
at this point, we were completely bored with simple swinging so we decided to haul people to the top like a pulley. i, myself, wasn't dumb enough to try this at first. that branch was 30 feet off the ground so there was no way i was going up there without having someone test it out. the guy who volunteered was about 220 and really built. a state champion wrestler so he was big enough and brave enough to assuage all our doubts about the sturdiness of the branch. he went up, touched the branch and chilled up there for a few minutes. no problems.
now that i had seen this system in action i was confidant enough to try it myself. i weighed only 125 so i had no reason to doubt that the branch would give out on me.
oh, how wrong i was.
i began my ascent and was steadily raised to the top. 10 feet up. 20 feet. 25 feet. nothing was going to stop me from hanging at the top of this motherfucking tree. i was inches away from my goal. 30 feet. i did it! i had reached the branch!
**crack**
oh. fuck.
right as i touched it, the branch just snapped off and i plummeted to the ground. 30 feet, straight down.
now, take a moment to imagine a bunch of 18 year old kids sitting under a large branch that is falling. the logical thing to do is to scatter and get out from the impact zone, right? well, everyone but one kid thought so. the wrestler. he had the noble thought to try and catch me and try and avoid getting a faceful of branch. well, he didn't exactly succeed.
i fell straight down and hot the ground as if i were just standing up. all the impact shock went up my knees and spine. the wrestler missed me and instead caught the branch. *kind of.* he ended up getting hit on the head by this thing and got a concussion.
now i was in immense pain and was writhing on the ground. everyone had recovered from the shock and was attempting to figure out if anyone was hurt. my first thought was to have someone help me up so i could try and walk this off. as i attempted this, the adults in the camp finally had gotten to the disaster site and were pushing me back down telling me not to move. all i could do was lie there and attempt to assess the damage. i was down. wrestler was down. bro-branch was down. this wasn't good.
after a few minutes i convinced the adults to let me get up and try walking this off. i was lucky enough that i was able to walk and didn't seem to have a broken ankle or leg. but by god, was i in pain! i hobbled off to a chair by the fire so i could get off my feet for a bit.
i have to say, the fact that everyone at camp was completely sober is what sets this apart. we weren't being stupid drunks, we were just stupid kids.
now, i was in pain but felt well enough that we weren't rushing to the hospital to get me examined. i was just going to tough it out until we left. *two days later.* luckily, most of the pain had subsided and i was just extremely sore, although, i tried to avoid walking as much as possible.
the ride home two days later wasn't much better, though. the rode was bumpy as fuck and every jostle was sending new pain up my spine. and to make matters worse, every time i would sneeze it would be like i was having a seizure. completely uncontrollable spasms for every sneeze. and i suffer from a photic sneeze reflex (commonly called sun sneezes) so i tend to sneeze quite often in bright light.
we finally made it home and i walked in to greet my parents. my mom was exuberant to see me but all i could manage was a weak smile as i stammered "mom, i need to go to the hospital." to her credit, she took that reasonably well and i told her the whole story. she just shook her head saying how dumb i was and we left to get me checked out.
fast forward a couple days later after i have had x-rays and cat scans done. turns out i had 3 compression fractures in my lower vertebrae. and the best part of the whole diagnosis? there was nothing to be done. i had to deal with it and simply take it easy while the vertebrae un-compressed as much as possible. at least most of the pain had subsided.
now, nearly 6 years later, they are still slightly compressed, albeit better than they were when this happened. i still get pain back there from time to time as well and can't really be too aggressive on it.
|
used a rope to get hauled 30 feet up a tree when the branch broke. i fell and fractured my back. it's still fractured 6 years later. i fucked up.
|
falling 30 feet out of a tree and breaking my back.
|
[
"this actually happened about 6 years ago but it",
"is the epitome of my stupidity.",
"so, i was camping with a group of kids and adults",
"from my church's scout group. we were near the",
"snake river in idaho. we were going to be rafting",
"the river and just having fun for a few days.",
"well, the first day we got to camp we had nothing",
"to do in the afternoon, so we decided to make a",
"rope swing. now, at the time, all the kids were",
"16-18 and the adults were in their 30s. we had",
"just enough common sense to make a swing on a",
"large branch and not some spindly thing. the",
"branch we picked had a diameter of about 12",
"inches so we figured it could hold our weight.",
"after finding this branch we tied a hammer to our",
"rope and threw that over. success! our make shift",
"swing was in order. we tested this out and it",
"work perfectly.",
"over the next few days we grew bored with simple",
"swinging and progressed to more risky activities",
"with the swing. we were full on sprinting to get",
"as high as possible, putting multiple people on",
"it, etc. you know, the kind of stuff teenagers",
"are want to do. now, throughout this time the",
"branch had held its own admirably well (we didn't",
"pick a slouch of a branch after all). if this",
"branch was a bro, he was the ultimate bro. always",
"there for us and never slacking when we needed",
"him. the best kind of bro. we had no reason to",
"doubt the bro-branch when we attempted our final",
"stunt.",
"at this point, we were completely bored with",
"simple swinging so we decided to haul people to",
"the top like a pulley. i, myself, wasn't dumb",
"enough to try this at first. that branch was 30",
"feet off the ground so there was no way i was",
"going up there without having someone test it",
"out. the guy who volunteered was about 220 and",
"really built. a state champion wrestler so he was",
"big enough and brave enough to assuage all our",
"doubts about the sturdiness of the branch. he",
"went up, touched the branch and chilled up there",
"for a few minutes. no problems.",
"now that i had seen this system in action i was",
"confidant enough to try it myself. i weighed only",
"125 so i had no reason to doubt that the branch",
"would give out on me.",
"oh, how wrong i was.",
"i began my ascent and was steadily raised to the",
"top. 10 feet up. 20 feet. 25 feet. nothing was",
"going to stop me from hanging at the top of this",
"motherfucking tree. i was inches away from my",
"goal. 30 feet. i did it! i had reached the",
"branch!",
"**crack**\n\noh. fuck.",
"right as i touched it, the branch just snapped",
"off and i plummeted to the ground. 30 feet,",
"straight down.",
"now, take a moment to imagine a bunch of 18 year",
"old kids sitting under a large branch that is",
"falling. the logical thing to do is to scatter",
"and get out from the impact zone, right? well,",
"everyone but one kid thought so. the wrestler. he",
"had the noble thought to try and catch me and try",
"and avoid getting a faceful of branch. well, he",
"didn't exactly succeed.",
"i fell straight down and hot the ground as if i",
"were just standing up. all the impact shock went",
"up my knees and spine. the wrestler missed me and",
"instead caught the branch. *kind of.* he ended up",
"getting hit on the head by this thing and got a",
"concussion.",
"now i was in immense pain and was writhing on the",
"ground. everyone had recovered from the shock and",
"was attempting to figure out if anyone was hurt.",
"my first thought was to have someone help me up",
"so i could try and walk this off. as i attempted",
"this, the adults in the camp finally had gotten",
"to the disaster site and were pushing me back",
"down telling me not to move. all i could do was",
"lie there and attempt to assess the damage. i was",
"down. wrestler was down. bro-branch was down.",
"this wasn't good.",
"after a few minutes i convinced the adults to let",
"me get up and try walking this off. i was lucky",
"enough that i was able to walk and didn't seem to",
"have a broken ankle or leg. but by god, was i in",
"pain! i hobbled off to a chair by the fire so i",
"could get off my feet for a bit.",
"i have to say, the fact that everyone at camp was",
"completely sober is what sets this apart. we",
"weren't being stupid drunks, we were just stupid",
"kids.",
"now, i was in pain but felt well enough that we",
"weren't rushing to the hospital to get me",
"examined. i was just going to tough it out until",
"we left. *two days later.* luckily, most of the",
"pain had subsided and i was just extremely sore,",
"although, i tried to avoid walking as much as",
"possible.",
"the ride home two days later wasn't much better,",
"though. the rode was bumpy as fuck and every",
"jostle was sending new pain up my spine. and to",
"make matters worse, every time i would sneeze it",
"would be like i was having a seizure. completely",
"uncontrollable spasms for every sneeze. and i",
"suffer from a photic sneeze reflex (commonly",
"called sun sneezes) so i tend to sneeze quite",
"often in bright light.",
"we finally made it home and i walked in to greet",
"my parents. my mom was exuberant to see me but",
"all i could manage was a weak smile as i",
"stammered \"mom, i need to go to the hospital.\" to",
"her credit, she took that reasonably well and i",
"told her the whole story. she just shook her head",
"saying how dumb i was and we left to get me",
"checked out.",
"fast forward a couple days later after i have had",
"x-rays and cat scans done. turns out i had 3",
"compression fractures in my lower vertebrae. and",
"the best part of the whole diagnosis? there was",
"nothing to be done. i had to deal with it and",
"simply take it easy while the vertebrae",
"un-compressed as much as possible. at least most",
"of the pain had subsided.",
"now, nearly 6 years later, they are still",
"slightly compressed, albeit better than they were",
"when this happened. i still get pain back there",
"from time to time as well and can't really be too",
"aggressive on it."
] |
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off and i plummeted to the ground. 30 feet, could get off my feet for a bit. now, nearly 6 years later, they are still
|
16 | 6 | 0.72 | 16 |
i had just finished making some late-night munchies in the form of pot-stickers (the idea sounded brilliant considering previous activities) and reached across the stove to reach a pack of soy sauce i put across the way.
i reached across the stove. with a lack of a shirt. and according to gabriel iglesias, i'm somewhere between husky and fluffy. either way, the protective covering for the abs did its job...at the cost of me now holding an ice pack up to my gut.
|
munchies had, hot stove + belly = bad
|
going shirtless
|
[
"i had just finished making some late-night",
"munchies in the form of pot-stickers (the idea",
"sounded brilliant considering previous",
"activities) and reached across the stove to reach",
"a pack of soy sauce i put across the way.",
"i reached across the stove. with a lack of a",
"shirt. and according to gabriel iglesias, i'm",
"somewhere between husky and fluffy. either way,",
"the protective covering for the abs did its",
"job...at the cost of me now holding an ice pack",
"up to my gut."
] |
[
1,
1,
0,
0.44651967792977076,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] |
i had just finished making some late-night
|
0 | 3 | 0.2 | 0 |
i was sitting at my desk earlier this afternoon, redditing away, with a nice, tall glass of grapefruit juice on the little pullout-table thing that my desk has. it was sitting on my right side.
now, for this to make sense, you need to know that my room is pretty small, and when i am sitting at my desk, my back is usually against the edge of my bed. a couple feet to my right, also against the edge of my bed on the floor, is my netbook.
now, i am sure that you can all see where this is going by now, but as i absentmindedly reached for my glass of juice without looking at it (hey, it was an interesting post, ok?) i instead knocked it over with my wrist, and it spilled all over my floor, and my netbook.
i quickly realized what had happened and picked up the glass, but the damage was done. i picked up the netbook and immediately wiped off the bottom (it was sitting with the bottom up for whatever reason), set it aside, and cleaned up the rest of the spill.
after that was done, i looked up a youtube video on how to tear down the netbook and did so, wiping what i could and blowing off the rest with canned air. once i was sure it was dry, i screwed it all back together, and in a very stressful moment, turned it on. luckily, it works fine again, no harm done.
**
|
** knocked over grapefruit juice onto netbook, had to completely tear it down and dry it, works fine now.
|
drinking grapefruit juice
|
[
"i was sitting at my desk earlier this afternoon,",
"redditing away, with a nice, tall glass of",
"grapefruit juice on the little pullout-table",
"thing that my desk has. it was sitting on my",
"right side.",
"now, for this to make sense, you need to know",
"that my room is pretty small, and when i am",
"sitting at my desk, my back is usually against",
"the edge of my bed. a couple feet to my right,",
"also against the edge of my bed on the floor, is",
"my netbook.",
"now, i am sure that you can all see where this is",
"going by now, but as i absentmindedly reached for",
"my glass of juice without looking at it (hey, it",
"was an interesting post, ok?) i instead knocked",
"it over with my wrist, and it spilled all over my",
"floor, and my netbook.",
"i quickly realized what had happened and picked",
"up the glass, but the damage was done. i picked",
"up the netbook and immediately wiped off the",
"bottom (it was sitting with the bottom up for",
"whatever reason), set it aside, and cleaned up",
"the rest of the spill.",
"after that was done, i looked up a youtube video",
"on how to tear down the netbook and did so,",
"wiping what i could and blowing off the rest with",
"canned air. once i was sure it was dry, i screwed",
"it all back together, and in a very stressful",
"moment, turned it on. luckily, it works fine",
"again, no harm done.",
"**"
] |
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grapefruit juice on the little pullout-table on how to tear down the netbook and did so, moment, turned it on. luckily, it works fine
|
266 | 27 | 0.95 | 266 |
i seriously kinda fucked up today, even tough it was freaking hilarious.
so my friend is taking a graphic design class which he absolutely hates and asked me to create a banner for him. he jokingly said, "do anything you want with it, even midget porn. just make sure it looks good". i was bored that day and kinda good at graphic design, so that's what i did. however, i really didn't really take it seriously and tried to recreate the world's worst banner in photoshop and all of that in less than 3 minutes.
i succeeded, and sent him the link to the picture. however, i didn't tell him that it was a joke. as it turns out, he didn't even look at the banner and just immediately saved the link. so today in class he was asked to present his creation and my beautiful piece of work with midget porn, comic sans, and rainbow colors was presented to his 42-year old graphic design teacher and the rest of the class.
yep, he's pissed.
the banner in question: http://i.imgur.com/kkpq0ix.png [nswf-ish]
|
made a banner for my friend picturing midget porn and comic sans, only to find out he didn't look at it and presented it in class
|
making my friend show midget porn in his class [nsfw]
|
[
"i seriously kinda fucked up today, even tough it",
"was freaking hilarious.",
"so my friend is taking a graphic design class",
"which he absolutely hates and asked me to create",
"a banner for him. he jokingly said, \"do anything",
"you want with it, even midget porn. just make",
"sure it looks good\". i was bored that day and",
"kinda good at graphic design, so that's what i",
"did. however, i really didn't really take it",
"seriously and tried to recreate the world's worst",
"banner in photoshop and all of that in less than",
"3 minutes.",
"i succeeded, and sent him the link to the",
"picture. however, i didn't tell him that it was a",
"joke. as it turns out, he didn't even look at the",
"banner and just immediately saved the link. so",
"today in class he was asked to present his",
"creation and my beautiful piece of work with",
"midget porn, comic sans, and rainbow colors was",
"presented to his 42-year old graphic design",
"teacher and the rest of the class.",
"yep, he's pissed.",
"the banner in question:",
"http://i.imgur.com/kkpq0ix.png [nswf-ish]"
] |
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a banner for him. he jokingly said, "do anything joke. as it turns out, he didn't even look at the midget porn, comic sans, and rainbow colors was
|
1,315 | 247 | 0.92 | 1,315 |
so this happened twenty minutes ago. i am emotionally and physically wounded.
my dad headed out for a lunch with some friends, and my mom tells me she's going for a manicure. i say goodbye and watch her pull out of the driveway, smiling from ear-to-ear.
the instant i shut the front door, i b-line for their washroom (detachable shower head). i have been living away for grad school, the house i'm living in has an attached shower head, so needless to say i was excited. i throw my clothes on the floor, get the temperature just right and hop in.
in my overwhelming excitement, i forget to lock the bathroom door. not that it mattered, no one was home . . .
i'm enjoying the jet setting and i'm about to orgasm when i hear, "my-name, i forgot to ask if you wanna . . . **oh dear!!**" my mom had double-backed to ask if i wanted to join her manicure session, but instead she walked in on me holding the shower head to my clit.
she screams and turns around awkwardly while i panic; instead of turning the shower off, i turn it to the hottest setting there is.
**"my fucking vagina!!!"** echoes from the shower, down the hall, around the corner and into my mother's already damaged head.
so, here i am, holding a freezing cold wash cloth on my clit while dying from embarrassment waiting for my mother to get home from her manicure.
**update**: i didn't get a chance to talk to my mom until this afternoon. i decided to be mature and "confront" her about what she saw. i basically started with "i'm sorry you had to see that but hey, shit happens". my mom laughed and said "don't worry about it, let's just forget it". i am back at my grad-school house, so hopefully with a little distance, my mother will not be consistently reminded of this ordeal via my presence.
|
masturbating with shower head, mom walks in, i turn the knob to hot instead of off and burn my vagina.
|
masturbating in my parent's bathroom
|
[
"so this happened twenty minutes ago. i am",
"emotionally and physically wounded.",
"my dad headed out for a lunch with some friends,",
"and my mom tells me she's going for a manicure. i",
"say goodbye and watch her pull out of the",
"driveway, smiling from ear-to-ear.",
"the instant i shut the front door, i b-line for",
"their washroom (detachable shower head). i have",
"been living away for grad school, the house i'm",
"living in has an attached shower head, so",
"needless to say i was excited. i throw my clothes",
"on the floor, get the temperature just right and",
"hop in.",
"in my overwhelming excitement, i forget to lock",
"the bathroom door. not that it mattered, no one",
"was home . . .",
"i'm enjoying the jet setting and i'm about to",
"orgasm when i hear, \"my-name, i forgot to ask if",
"you wanna . . . **oh dear!!**\" my mom had",
"double-backed to ask if i wanted to join her",
"manicure session, but instead she walked in on me",
"holding the shower head to my clit.",
"she screams and turns around awkwardly while i",
"panic; instead of turning the shower off, i turn",
"it to the hottest setting there is.",
"**\"my fucking vagina!!!\"** echoes from the",
"shower, down the hall, around the corner and into",
"my mother's already damaged head.",
"so, here i am, holding a freezing cold wash cloth",
"on my clit while dying from embarrassment waiting",
"for my mother to get home from her manicure.",
"**update**: i didn't get a chance to talk to my",
"mom until this afternoon. i decided to be mature",
"and \"confront\" her about what she saw. i",
"basically started with \"i'm sorry you had to see",
"that but hey, shit happens\". my mom laughed and",
"said \"don't worry about it, let's just forget",
"it\". i am back at my grad-school house, so",
"hopefully with a little distance, my mother will",
"not be consistently reminded of this ordeal via",
"my presence."
] |
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] |
hop in. holding the shower head to my clit. panic; instead of turning the shower off, i turn
|
15 | 17 | 0.63 | 15 |
**this is a real long story, so bear with me. names have been changed. this all happened 2 nights ago on halloween.**
like many other college students around the country, i dressed up and went to this halloween party that my college was throwing. it was fun and all seeing my friends in their costumes and stuff, but it was *super* boring there cause, you know, it was being thrown by the school. me and four of my friends decide to ditch it and go to another party. one of the girls with us, suzy, was obviously into me, making a point to sit next to me while we waited for the others, laughing at my dumb jokes, all that. i'm feeling pretty good about myself. so me and 12 other people (along with my 4 friends) piled into the bed of a pickup truck (the driver was also going to the party) and take to the roads.
that was **fuck-up #1**.
i didn't know it at the time, but driver had already been drinking. so he was going at least 50 miles an hour down these roads, and several times the bed of the truck scraped against the road cause the 12 of us were weighing it down. at one point he took a turn way too fast, and the truck almost tipped over. eventually we got to the party house and i'm thanking god almighty for letting me get there alive.
here we are at the house (which i had never been to) and it's pretty packed. you had to be pushy just get through the front door, let alone the kitchen where the drinks were being served. so me and suzy walked in after the rest of the group and grabbed a drink, and we're all just talking right now. pretty soon i'm dancing with her and having a good time.
i'm gonna pause the story for a second. suzy wasn't really a friend - more like an acquaintance. my other friends that i know well know suzy, but i've only hung out with her twice before (with a bunch of other people). so because of this, i'm completely unaware of the fact that suzy loves to get *absolutely wasted*.
back to the story. suzy and i are dancing and having a great time. she's got real close to me and stuff, and she reached behind to put her hands on my chest and waist. then she wrapped her arms around my neck, and i just kissed her on the cheek. i knew i did something right cause she looks up at me and has this ear to ear grin on her face. so for the next 20 minutes or so we alternated between making out and dancing. she left for a bit at one point, and i just assume she's going to see other friends of hers. i stay where i am and talk with my other friends, too. suzy came back, and we return to making out and dancing.
at this point i've only had one drink, since i don't really like alcohol that much, but whatever, i'll have one just to have one. unbeknownst to me, suzy was not speaking with friends when she left. she was getting more and more drunk.
eventually we got a warning that the cops are about to show up, so me and my 3 other friends decided to head out and go back to the dorms. suzy takes me by the hand and we got outta there. but the moment she crosses the threshold from inside the house to outside she falls forward, running into another girl and nearly falling over.
so now it hits me that for the last 40 minutes i've been making out with a severely drunk girl while i've been totally sober. that was **fuck-up #2**.
i stood there in shock for a second. how was suzy *this* drunk? her speech wasn't slurred when we were talking in the house, she wasn't tipping over when we were dancing, nothing. i was amazed at how sober she had seemed while inside the house. so i was freaking out just a little. to anyone else, it looks like i was taking advantage of her.
before we started walking to the dorms, i did a sobriety check. i've only had my one drink, so i'm good. the other girl with us, avanti, was pretty sober, too. the two other guys (let's call them jake and randy) were kind of on the threshold of drunk, but still sober enough to walk and form somewhat coherent sentences. suzy wasn't able to do either of those things.
**fuck-up #3** was not thinking to call one of my other friends who wasn't at the party to come pick us up.
since we didn't have a ride back to the dorms we had to walk there, which was a task much easier said than done. randy and i were holding up suzy by the arms, and jake was just walking behind up being weird. and in the spirit of my terrible luck that night, we ended up taking the long way back, cause randy couldn't quite remember each turn and i was too busy trying to keep this girl from falling into the road.
so we hoofed it. several times suzy decides to just lay down on the sidewalk and yell "carry me!". people driving past eyeball us like crazy. one car actually pulled up to the curb and asked if we were okay and needed a ride. we politely declined because stranger danger, but i was seriously considering it at some points. whenever we get to a streetlight or road sign i had to forcibly pull her away from the obstacle because she wanted to run into it.
now, just take a second and imagine how sketchy this all would look: three guys in ridiculous costumes walking around the streets of the city, holding a drunk girl who could barely stand up or talk. i'm surprised we weren't stopped by the two cop cars that drove past us during our trip. did i mention we're all underage, too?
but that wasn't the bad part. nope. the bad part is, during all the stumbling and drunken talk, jake mentions something about suzy's boyfriend.
this was **fuck-up #4**, and it showed up in glorious fashion.
i was really, really pissed at jake now. he had ample time to mention that little tidbit to me, before we got to the party and during the party. a couple other people we knew did as well, but they didn't say anything either. so i was pretty pissed at them, and then also at myself for not asking suzy in the first place.
suzy drunkenly protests, however, saying that "no, no, he told me i could go fuck whoever i wanted. fuck him. i can show you texts." she handed me her phone to look at the text message conversation that supposedly cleared her of having an so. nothing in those message suggested that she had broken up with him.
so now i'm feeling pretty bad. after all, i just spent the last hour and a half dancing with this chick and making out with her, and it turns out she has a boyfriend. just great.
after nearly 20 minutes of walking, we were within sight of the dorms. almost home free, but there's still a ways to go. i'm convinced that my left arm is going to be jacked the next day from holding this dead weight girl up. suzy wasn't on the chubby side or anything, but she kept on falling down and dragging her feet. god apparently decided to cut me a break right then, because a car pulled up and in it are more of my friends we all know. they had been having a late night snack down at this food court area and saw us on the street.
they did a u turn and pulled up next to us on the curb. suzy and i got in the rear passenger seats, while drunken randy popped open the trunk and hops in, even though he could've fit just fine next to me. jake also decided there's no more room and just smiles at us, saying that he'll walk the rest of the way himself. i wasn't worried about him at all, so we say whatever and haul ass out of there.
we drove up to the dorms and showed our ids to the security guard (thankfully suzy actually shut up for 5 seconds while we did this), and then pulled around to the rear entrances into the building so we could avoid the lobby area. i hopped out and helped suzy get out of the car without bashing her head in on the asphalt or another vehicle, while my other two friends (let's call them frankie and tyler) walk around to the lobby. randy and i help suzy up to her dorm room.
so we made it. we finally get to this girl's room. she's been talking about her ungodly desire to pee for the last 30 minutes, so we guide her towards the bathroom, sit her down on the toilet, and stand outside while she does her stuff. randy says that he's gotta go get his stuff from frankie's car, and i was stupid enough to let him go and leave me alone with suzy, too busy thinking about how crappy the night had been. that, of course, was **fuck-up #5**, but thankfully nothing came of it.
i heard the toilet flush and i waited a few seconds before knocking on the bathroom door. suddenly there was an incredibly noisy *crash*, followed by a bunch of *tinks* and *thumps*. i opened the door and suzy's sitting in the bathtub with shampoo containers and shower shelves lying around her - she had stood up from the toilet and fallen over immediately. i helped her up and walked her to her bed, and all the while she's giggling like crazy. she invites me to the bed a few times ("nothing sexual,” she slurs, “just platonic") but i refuse.
eventually randy comes back with frankie, tyler, and a couple others who agree to stay and make sure suzy doesn't kill herself by accident. glad to get a load off, i go to mcdonald's with frankie and tyler to get some food and clear my head of this shitty, shitty night.
**super
|
** i went to a party, made out with a girl, found out she has a boyfriend, walked her drunk ass home, felt real shitty about it and eventually scored a double cheeseburger at mickey d's.
|
in so many ways i can't fit them all in the title.
|
[
"**this is a real long story, so bear with me.",
"names have been changed. this all happened 2",
"nights ago on halloween.**",
"like many other college students around the",
"country, i dressed up and went to this halloween",
"party that my college was throwing. it was fun",
"and all seeing my friends in their costumes and",
"stuff, but it was *super* boring there cause, you",
"know, it was being thrown by the school. me and",
"four of my friends decide to ditch it and go to",
"another party. one of the girls with us, suzy,",
"was obviously into me, making a point to sit next",
"to me while we waited for the others, laughing at",
"my dumb jokes, all that. i'm feeling pretty good",
"about myself. so me and 12 other people (along",
"with my 4 friends) piled into the bed of a pickup",
"truck (the driver was also going to the party)",
"and take to the roads.",
"that was **fuck-up #1**.",
"i didn't know it at the time, but driver had",
"already been drinking. so he was going at least",
"50 miles an hour down these roads, and several",
"times the bed of the truck scraped against the",
"road cause the 12 of us were weighing it down. at",
"one point he took a turn way too fast, and the",
"truck almost tipped over. eventually we got to",
"the party house and i'm thanking god almighty for",
"letting me get there alive.",
"here we are at the house (which i had never been",
"to) and it's pretty packed. you had to be pushy",
"just get through the front door, let alone the",
"kitchen where the drinks were being served. so me",
"and suzy walked in after the rest of the group",
"and grabbed a drink, and we're all just talking",
"right now. pretty soon i'm dancing with her and",
"having a good time.",
"i'm gonna pause the story for a second. suzy",
"wasn't really a friend - more like an",
"acquaintance. my other friends that i know well",
"know suzy, but i've only hung out with her twice",
"before (with a bunch of other people). so because",
"of this, i'm completely unaware of the fact that",
"suzy loves to get *absolutely wasted*.",
"back to the story. suzy and i are dancing and",
"having a great time. she's got real close to me",
"and stuff, and she reached behind to put her",
"hands on my chest and waist. then she wrapped her",
"arms around my neck, and i just kissed her on the",
"cheek. i knew i did something right cause she",
"looks up at me and has this ear to ear grin on",
"her face. so for the next 20 minutes or so we",
"alternated between making out and dancing. she",
"left for a bit at one point, and i just assume",
"she's going to see other friends of hers. i stay",
"where i am and talk with my other friends, too.",
"suzy came back, and we return to making out and",
"dancing.",
"at this point i've only had one drink, since i",
"don't really like alcohol that much, but",
"whatever, i'll have one just to have one.",
"unbeknownst to me, suzy was not speaking with",
"friends when she left. she was getting more and",
"more drunk.",
"eventually we got a warning that the cops are",
"about to show up, so me and my 3 other friends",
"decided to head out and go back to the dorms.",
"suzy takes me by the hand and we got outta there.",
"but the moment she crosses the threshold from",
"inside the house to outside she falls forward,",
"running into another girl and nearly falling",
"over.",
"so now it hits me that for the last 40 minutes",
"i've been making out with a severely drunk girl",
"while i've been totally sober. that was **fuck-up",
"#2**.",
"i stood there in shock for a second. how was suzy",
"*this* drunk? her speech wasn't slurred when we",
"were talking in the house, she wasn't tipping",
"over when we were dancing, nothing. i was amazed",
"at how sober she had seemed while inside the",
"house. so i was freaking out just a little. to",
"anyone else, it looks like i was taking advantage",
"of her.",
"before we started walking to the dorms, i did a",
"sobriety check. i've only had my one drink, so",
"i'm good. the other girl with us, avanti, was",
"pretty sober, too. the two other guys (let's call",
"them jake and randy) were kind of on the",
"threshold of drunk, but still sober enough to",
"walk and form somewhat coherent sentences. suzy",
"wasn't able to do either of those things.",
"**fuck-up #3** was not thinking to call one of my",
"other friends who wasn't at the party to come",
"pick us up.",
"since we didn't have a ride back to the dorms we",
"had to walk there, which was a task much easier",
"said than done. randy and i were holding up suzy",
"by the arms, and jake was just walking behind up",
"being weird. and in the spirit of my terrible",
"luck that night, we ended up taking the long way",
"back, cause randy couldn't quite remember each",
"turn and i was too busy trying to keep this girl",
"from falling into the road.",
"so we hoofed it. several times suzy decides to",
"just lay down on the sidewalk and yell \"carry",
"me!\". people driving past eyeball us like crazy.",
"one car actually pulled up to the curb and asked",
"if we were okay and needed a ride. we politely",
"declined because stranger danger, but i was",
"seriously considering it at some points. whenever",
"we get to a streetlight or road sign i had to",
"forcibly pull her away from the obstacle because",
"she wanted to run into it.",
"now, just take a second and imagine how sketchy",
"this all would look: three guys in ridiculous",
"costumes walking around the streets of the city,",
"holding a drunk girl who could barely stand up or",
"talk. i'm surprised we weren't stopped by the two",
"cop cars that drove past us during our trip. did",
"i mention we're all underage, too?",
"but that wasn't the bad part. nope. the bad part",
"is, during all the stumbling and drunken talk,",
"jake mentions something about suzy's boyfriend.",
"this was **fuck-up #4**, and it showed up in",
"glorious fashion.",
"i was really, really pissed at jake now. he had",
"ample time to mention that little tidbit to me,",
"before we got to the party and during the party.",
"a couple other people we knew did as well, but",
"they didn't say anything either. so i was pretty",
"pissed at them, and then also at myself for not",
"asking suzy in the first place.",
"suzy drunkenly protests, however, saying that",
"\"no, no, he told me i could go fuck whoever i",
"wanted. fuck him. i can show you texts.\" she",
"handed me her phone to look at the text message",
"conversation that supposedly cleared her of",
"having an so. nothing in those message suggested",
"that she had broken up with him.",
"so now i'm feeling pretty bad. after all, i just",
"spent the last hour and a half dancing with this",
"chick and making out with her, and it turns out",
"she has a boyfriend. just great.",
"after nearly 20 minutes of walking, we were",
"within sight of the dorms. almost home free, but",
"there's still a ways to go. i'm convinced that my",
"left arm is going to be jacked the next day from",
"holding this dead weight girl up. suzy wasn't on",
"the chubby side or anything, but she kept on",
"falling down and dragging her feet. god",
"apparently decided to cut me a break right then,",
"because a car pulled up and in it are more of my",
"friends we all know. they had been having a late",
"night snack down at this food court area and saw",
"us on the street.",
"they did a u turn and pulled up next to us on the",
"curb. suzy and i got in the rear passenger seats,",
"while drunken randy popped open the trunk and",
"hops in, even though he could've fit just fine",
"next to me. jake also decided there's no more",
"room and just smiles at us, saying that he'll",
"walk the rest of the way himself. i wasn't",
"worried about him at all, so we say whatever and",
"haul ass out of there.",
"we drove up to the dorms and showed our ids to",
"the security guard (thankfully suzy actually shut",
"up for 5 seconds while we did this), and then",
"pulled around to the rear entrances into the",
"building so we could avoid the lobby area. i",
"hopped out and helped suzy get out of the car",
"without bashing her head in on the asphalt or",
"another vehicle, while my other two friends",
"(let's call them frankie and tyler) walk around",
"to the lobby. randy and i help suzy up to her",
"dorm room.",
"so we made it. we finally get to this girl's",
"room. she's been talking about her ungodly desire",
"to pee for the last 30 minutes, so we guide her",
"towards the bathroom, sit her down on the toilet,",
"and stand outside while she does her stuff. randy",
"says that he's gotta go get his stuff from",
"frankie's car, and i was stupid enough to let him",
"go and leave me alone with suzy, too busy",
"thinking about how crappy the night had been.",
"that, of course, was **fuck-up #5**, but",
"thankfully nothing came of it.",
"i heard the toilet flush and i waited a few",
"seconds before knocking on the bathroom door.",
"suddenly there was an incredibly noisy *crash*,",
"followed by a bunch of *tinks* and *thumps*. i",
"opened the door and suzy's sitting in the bathtub",
"with shampoo containers and shower shelves lying",
"around her - she had stood up from the toilet and",
"fallen over immediately. i helped her up and",
"walked her to her bed, and all the while she's",
"giggling like crazy. she invites me to the bed a",
"few times (\"nothing sexual,” she slurs, “just",
"platonic\") but i refuse.",
"eventually randy comes back with frankie, tyler,",
"and a couple others who agree to stay and make",
"sure suzy doesn't kill herself by accident. glad",
"to get a load off, i go to mcdonald's with",
"frankie and tyler to get some food and clear my",
"head of this shitty, shitty night.",
"**super"
] |
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country, i dressed up and went to this halloween i've been making out with a severely drunk girl of her. she has a boyfriend. just great.
|
83 | 18 | 0.78 | 83 |
this morning i was getting dressed for work. took a shower, brushed my teeth. i started to wash my face when i notice my girlfriend left a bottle of what looks like face wash. i pick up the bottle, look at the directions: *for external use only. wet area and apply*. i was in a rush and out of face wash so i completely missed the vagina bit. washed my face with the stuff and went to work.
fast forward and i'm home playing gta v. girlfriend stops me and asks, "what were you doing with this?"
"yeah, i noticed you left that for me."
"for you?"
"yeah, i'm out of face wash, remember?"
she then bursts into tears of laughter. she falls over on the couch, her head on my lap. i paused. as i had my little revelation. she gets up and yells, "you fucking dumbass! this isn't face wash!!" my eyes wide, and my mouth gaping, i whisper "no..." in a defeated tone. she's on the floor by then, still in tears. she throws the bottle at my face, and says, "summer's eve, fool! it's not face wash," she gasps for air. "it's *pussy* wash!"
|
washed my face with a vagina care product.
|
washing my face with summers eve.
|
[
"this morning i was getting dressed for work. took",
"a shower, brushed my teeth. i started to wash my",
"face when i notice my girlfriend left a bottle of",
"what looks like face wash. i pick up the bottle,",
"look at the directions: *for external use only.",
"wet area and apply*. i was in a rush and out of",
"face wash so i completely missed the vagina bit.",
"washed my face with the stuff and went to work.",
"fast forward and i'm home playing gta v.",
"girlfriend stops me and asks, \"what were you",
"doing with this?\"",
"\"yeah, i noticed you left that for me.\"",
"\"for you?\"",
"\"yeah, i'm out of face wash, remember?\"",
"she then bursts into tears of laughter. she falls",
"over on the couch, her head on my lap. i paused.",
"as i had my little revelation. she gets up and",
"yells, \"you fucking dumbass! this isn't face",
"wash!!\" my eyes wide, and my mouth gaping, i",
"whisper \"no...\" in a defeated tone. she's on the",
"floor by then, still in tears. she throws the",
"bottle at my face, and says, \"summer's eve, fool!",
"it's not face wash,\" she gasps for air. \"it's",
"*pussy* wash!\""
] |
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washed my face with the stuff and went to work.
|
0 | 3 | 0.33 | 0 |
so, as it goes i needed a new laptop. the one i was using was very old and beaten to hell. i'm talking this thing had been dropped numerous times, charger fell apart along with the battery being a dud and the screen going out. all after getting those fixed i told a "friend" of mine that i needed a new one that i could actually carry around with me instead of constantly having to sit in one place and fuck around with the charging cord.
well, as it is this friend gives me an hp of his that he had used for work only. he claimed that he cleaned off his stuff and it was in working order. he failed to tell me is that it wont boot up at all past a certain screen after the "cleaning." i'm saying i can turn it on and get it to a screen that tells me to hit f11 and then sends me to a point where i can recover files and after all that restart the computer and then it goes in a complete circle. this computer is basically as useless to me as the stationary laptop outside.
|
trusted a friend about a computer he obviously knew did not work.
|
trusting a free computer from a "friend"
|
[
"so, as it goes i needed a new laptop. the one i",
"was using was very old and beaten to hell. i'm",
"talking this thing had been dropped numerous",
"times, charger fell apart along with the battery",
"being a dud and the screen going out. all after",
"getting those fixed i told a \"friend\" of mine",
"that i needed a new one that i could actually",
"carry around with me instead of constantly having",
"to sit in one place and fuck around with the",
"charging cord.",
"well, as it is this friend gives me an hp of his",
"that he had used for work only. he claimed that",
"he cleaned off his stuff and it was in working",
"order. he failed to tell me is that it wont boot",
"up at all past a certain screen after the",
"\"cleaning.\" i'm saying i can turn it on and get",
"it to a screen that tells me to hit f11 and then",
"sends me to a point where i can recover files and",
"after all that restart the computer and then it",
"goes in a complete circle. this computer is",
"basically as useless to me as the stationary",
"laptop outside."
] |
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getting those fixed i told a "friend" of mine that he had used for work only. he claimed that
|
112 | 37 | 0.82 | 112 |
actually it did not happen today but some days ago. i was in the basement in our "entertainment room". we have a tv, stereo and some consoles there. i showed my 7 year old son my old music collection. i started with some 90s techno and he liked it. i then asked him: "did you know that music can even scare you?" he did not believe me so i started aphex twin - come to daddy. he sat in his seat and was getting smaller and smaller until he cried. i instantly stopped the music :-(
|
too lazy didn't write summary
|
scaring my son
|
[
"actually it did not happen today but some days",
"ago. i was in the basement in our \"entertainment",
"room\". we have a tv, stereo and some consoles",
"there. i showed my 7 year old son my old music",
"collection. i started with some 90s techno and he",
"liked it. i then asked him: \"did you know that",
"music can even scare you?\" he did not believe me",
"so i started aphex twin - come to daddy. he sat",
"in his seat and was getting smaller and smaller",
"until he cried. i instantly stopped the music :-("
] |
[
0,
0,
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33 | 3 | 0.89 | 33 |
so this actually happened a few years ago while i was in high school, and it's gotten to be a pretty popular story passed on with my debate team.
at the time, i went to a catholic, all-boy school where many of the teachers were priests or monks. i was also the captain of the lincoln douglas (one-on-one) debate team and so i worked very closely with our coach, who was a monk. despite whatever you may think about monks, he was a pretty cool guy and was pretty easy to get along with so long as you didn't piss him off.
also at this time, i had been experiencing some computer trouble. for instance, google chrome, my default browser, was having trouble working when i wanted it to. it would also load many pages very slowly. it was pretty irritating.
a few months into my senior year, we had a debate tournament in a nearby city. it was a large tournament, and like many large tournaments it had posted its brackets, wins/losses, and reviews of debate rounds to a website designed specifically for debate tournaments. i had brought my computer with me to the tournament because i would usually read my speeches off of my computer, and i was tethering through my phone for internet because the school the tournament was in had a wifi password. so basically, i was the one of the few people on our team who had internet access.
naturally, while we wait between rounds in the school auditorium the coach wants to use my computer for a few minutes to check on the website postings. i see no problem with this, so i gave him my laptop. i already had chrome up and everything, so all he had to do was open a new tab and enter in the website url.
he sits at the computer for a few minutes while i play doodle jump a few rows away, and then says he's done and i can take the computer back. cool, i think, and go and get it from him. he closes it, and as i take it he says "thank you thereverendjoseph, thank you" almost in a malicious way. uhm, okay, cool. you're welcome? whatever. i sat back down in my seat and continued at doodle jump.
a few minutes later i decided to make some edits to my speeches based on some things i had overheard in other team discussions. i open up my laptop. there is a pdf open of the current debate brackets, but it isn't quite at the top of the screen. at the top of the screen, to my dismay, was a series of firefox tabs: "slut takes it in from behind", "horny milf bangs teen", etc., followed by "debatepostings.com" or whatever it was called.
i had forgotten that, about a month or two prior, i had gotten pissed off at chrome while trying to find some decent porn that i had opted to use firefox instead. now, i'm not dumb, i use incognito windows, but since i used firefox i had just used a normal window for it, and had forgotten that i had firefox set to open up to the last closed window because i so rarely used the browser. when he went on my computer, he had opened firefox rather than just using chrome, and bam, porn.
while i was figuring all of this out, which took only about thirty seconds, i was too engaged in trying to figure out what the hell had happened to realize that the sound was on, and the videos were all *playing*, and my sound was on. i was in an auditorium full of 200+ kids, and i had moans coming from my computer. i slammed my computer shut as soon as i realized, and people in the rows around me were staring, understandably.
the monk and i stayed friends, and we talked every now and then, but he never quite trusted me with a computer in his presence. i assume he thought i was watching porn at the debate tournament, and he had just caught a glimpse of that. but yeah, i fucked up pretty hard.
|
i tried to be helpful, ended up showing a monk porn.
|
lending my debate coach my laptop
|
[
"so this actually happened a few years ago while i",
"was in high school, and it's gotten to be a",
"pretty popular story passed on with my debate",
"team.",
"at the time, i went to a catholic, all-boy school",
"where many of the teachers were priests or monks.",
"i was also the captain of the lincoln douglas",
"(one-on-one) debate team and so i worked very",
"closely with our coach, who was a monk. despite",
"whatever you may think about monks, he was a",
"pretty cool guy and was pretty easy to get along",
"with so long as you didn't piss him off.",
"also at this time, i had been experiencing some",
"computer trouble. for instance, google chrome, my",
"default browser, was having trouble working when",
"i wanted it to. it would also load many pages",
"very slowly. it was pretty irritating.",
"a few months into my senior year, we had a debate",
"tournament in a nearby city. it was a large",
"tournament, and like many large tournaments it",
"had posted its brackets, wins/losses, and reviews",
"of debate rounds to a website designed",
"specifically for debate tournaments. i had",
"brought my computer with me to the tournament",
"because i would usually read my speeches off of",
"my computer, and i was tethering through my phone",
"for internet because the school the tournament",
"was in had a wifi password. so basically, i was",
"the one of the few people on our team who had",
"internet access.",
"naturally, while we wait between rounds in the",
"school auditorium the coach wants to use my",
"computer for a few minutes to check on the",
"website postings. i see no problem with this, so",
"i gave him my laptop. i already had chrome up and",
"everything, so all he had to do was open a new",
"tab and enter in the website url.",
"he sits at the computer for a few minutes while i",
"play doodle jump a few rows away, and then says",
"he's done and i can take the computer back. cool,",
"i think, and go and get it from him. he closes",
"it, and as i take it he says \"thank you",
"thereverendjoseph, thank you\" almost in a",
"malicious way. uhm, okay, cool. you're welcome?",
"whatever. i sat back down in my seat and",
"continued at doodle jump.",
"a few minutes later i decided to make some edits",
"to my speeches based on some things i had",
"overheard in other team discussions. i open up my",
"laptop. there is a pdf open of the current debate",
"brackets, but it isn't quite at the top of the",
"screen. at the top of the screen, to my dismay,",
"was a series of firefox tabs: \"slut takes it in",
"from behind\", \"horny milf bangs teen\", etc.,",
"followed by \"debatepostings.com\" or whatever it",
"was called.",
"i had forgotten that, about a month or two prior,",
"i had gotten pissed off at chrome while trying to",
"find some decent porn that i had opted to use",
"firefox instead. now, i'm not dumb, i use",
"incognito windows, but since i used firefox i had",
"just used a normal window for it, and had",
"forgotten that i had firefox set to open up to",
"the last closed window because i so rarely used",
"the browser. when he went on my computer, he had",
"opened firefox rather than just using chrome, and",
"bam, porn.",
"while i was figuring all of this out, which took",
"only about thirty seconds, i was too engaged in",
"trying to figure out what the hell had happened",
"to realize that the sound was on, and the videos",
"were all *playing*, and my sound was on. i was in",
"an auditorium full of 200+ kids, and i had moans",
"coming from my computer. i slammed my computer",
"shut as soon as i realized, and people in the",
"rows around me were staring, understandably.",
"the monk and i stayed friends, and we talked",
"every now and then, but he never quite trusted me",
"with a computer in his presence. i assume he",
"thought i was watching porn at the debate",
"tournament, and he had just caught a glimpse of",
"that. but yeah, i fucked up pretty hard."
] |
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was in high school, and it's gotten to be a bam, porn.
|
12 | 3 | 0.77 | 12 |
so as part of my job at a restaurant, i have to clean the large glass doors at the entrance of the place. they get really nasty from all of the hands that push on the glass to open it, so they have to be sprayed down from time to time. pretty gross.
anyways, it's time to clean the windows. i spray down the doors real good, then i reach backwards. huh, the door is back farther than i thought it was. i take another step backwards, still reaching backwards. my hand hits something. it's not a door, but my stupid brain doesn't realize it's not a door.
as i keep reaching back at this "door," i notice that some of my fellow workers are giving me horrified looks. i finally turn around to find that my hand has been pressing against some guy's junk for the past couple seconds. i slowly look up at him, seeing the most perplexed look on his face. i choke out an awkward sorry, look back down, hold the door open for him, and walk into the bathroom full of shame.
|
i tried to clean a door, but i groped a customer. repetitively.
|
cleaning a door
|
[
"so as part of my job at a restaurant, i have to",
"clean the large glass doors at the entrance of",
"the place. they get really nasty from all of the",
"hands that push on the glass to open it, so they",
"have to be sprayed down from time to time. pretty",
"gross.",
"anyways, it's time to clean the windows. i spray",
"down the doors real good, then i reach backwards.",
"huh, the door is back farther than i thought it",
"was. i take another step backwards, still",
"reaching backwards. my hand hits something. it's",
"not a door, but my stupid brain doesn't realize",
"it's not a door.",
"as i keep reaching back at this \"door,\" i notice",
"that some of my fellow workers are giving me",
"horrified looks. i finally turn around to find",
"that my hand has been pressing against some guy's",
"junk for the past couple seconds. i slowly look",
"up at him, seeing the most perplexed look on his",
"face. i choke out an awkward sorry, look back",
"down, hold the door open for him, and walk into",
"the bathroom full of shame."
] |
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0.0031025562201301435,
0,
0,
0.06533440496569795,
0
] |
anyways, it's time to clean the windows. i spray not a door, but my stupid brain doesn't realize
|
34 | 13 | 0.84 | 34 |
throw away because, you know...i shit myself. it literally happen around...13 mins ago(minus the typing). i wanted to take a picture of my brown stained jeans. but i realized i'm in public and the stench is invigorating...except in a negative way. anyways i was walking to the bus stop(driving test next week.) and waiting for the bus. i got on and i felt something wrong. kinda like a motion sickness kinda way. i reached my college and now i'm going to class. as i approached the door, i felt like i needed to fart. so i proceed to do so. but this one is a tough one. i mustard all my might and obliterated my boxers with shat. i froze, i'm 3 inches from the door way to my class. i feel the liquid shat drizzle down my boxers down to my right thigh. it felt lukewarm. the texture felt like the cross between water and dijon mustard. people looked at me. i not sure if they smell it. but oddly my new jeans was taking it quite well. i just washed it and using 2 cups of detergent and 5 sheets of softener sheets before shitting in it. so the glade smell is quite strong in this one. i slowly reversed my steps. luckily the bus came in just in time. i paid the fare. sat down on my shat. and waited. a lady sat near me, she started to question the smell. she said "wow, it smells like clean clothes! is that you?". i nodded. when the door open i quickly ran to my house, unlocked it. pants off. the smell was a mix of ass and a strong frebreeze hybrid glade. i stuffed it in the washer for 50 mins. never again i'm trusting my farts again.
|
trusting a fart. shat myself. lady loved the smell of ass.
|
i soiled it. literally.
|
[
"throw away because, you know...i shit myself. it",
"literally happen around...13 mins ago(minus the",
"typing). i wanted to take a picture of my brown",
"stained jeans. but i realized i'm in public and",
"the stench is invigorating...except in a negative",
"way. anyways i was walking to the bus",
"stop(driving test next week.) and waiting for the",
"bus. i got on and i felt something wrong. kinda",
"like a motion sickness kinda way. i reached my",
"college and now i'm going to class. as i",
"approached the door, i felt like i needed to",
"fart. so i proceed to do so. but this one is a",
"tough one. i mustard all my might and obliterated",
"my boxers with shat. i froze, i'm 3 inches from",
"the door way to my class. i feel the liquid shat",
"drizzle down my boxers down to my right thigh. it",
"felt lukewarm. the texture felt like the cross",
"between water and dijon mustard. people looked at",
"me. i not sure if they smell it. but oddly my new",
"jeans was taking it quite well. i just washed it",
"and using 2 cups of detergent and 5 sheets of",
"softener sheets before shitting in it. so the",
"glade smell is quite strong in this one. i slowly",
"reversed my steps. luckily the bus came in just",
"in time. i paid the fare. sat down on my shat.",
"and waited. a lady sat near me, she started to",
"question the smell. she said \"wow, it smells like",
"clean clothes! is that you?\". i nodded. when the",
"door open i quickly ran to my house, unlocked it.",
"pants off. the smell was a mix of ass and a",
"strong frebreeze hybrid glade. i stuffed it in",
"the washer for 50 mins. never again i'm trusting",
"my farts again."
] |
[
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] |
pants off. the smell was a mix of ass and a
|
42 | 13 | 0.9 | 42 |
so, this didn't happen yesterday but in july. me and my lady have been together for 7 years today (but got married in july 20th), so i thought it'd be good time to share this story.
the night before the wedding me and my bestman went to our local small pub to have a couple of pints. (the pub and the wedding place are in the region we used to live in when we were younger.) we talked about the next day and how my life had come to this and so on, i even talked how i wasn't scared or anxious. we even saw some of my friends from another town (where me and mrs. live nowadays), so we had two more beers each. so when we got to bed it was like 3 am and we had to get up at 8. so not too much sleep for the night, and the next day would be a big one.
well, despite my lack of sleep the next day was perfect. fucking flawless. i was so goddamn scared at the altar before my soon-to-be-wife entered the main hall, but still it was marvelous. a friend performed a song by enya with her violin at the church and our wedding march (or is it hymeneal in the us?) was outro by m83, so i couldn't hold back the tears.
the party itself was also so great, even though i feared beforehand that i'd get too drunk at my own wedding. we partied till 4 am, and then everyone ordered cabs, including me, the wife and our siblings and cousins. since the place was at the countryside, we waited for our taxi for an hour. and during that time i drank the last bottle of champagne by myself and had fun with the remaining guests.
the taxi arrives, i hop in, and pass out immediately. i remember everything except the cab ride. when the taxi arrived to our hotel, nobody could wake me up, so my now-wife just stood there and laughed her pretty little ass of while our friends, four of them, carried me to our suite, the bride giggling behind us. or so i heard. they even tried to take off my suit, but eventually gave up and went to their own rooms.
midday. i wake up. i feel quite... moist, so to speak. i immediately knew what happened. thought: "no fucking way, not here, not now. not again." my bonjour-suit and the 3000 dollar bed were soaked. pee all over. this wasn't the first or the second time it had happened, but you know, this time it really ruined my morning. and morning wood. so there we were, lying in my piss, drinking champagne and eating grapes and enjoying the first day of our marriage.
__________________________________________________
(sorry if grammar has issues, not a native engrish speaker.)
|
i wanted to shoot my load all over my newly wed wife, instead took a piss on her.
|
wet the bed. on my wedding night.
|
[
"so, this didn't happen yesterday but in july. me",
"and my lady have been together for 7 years today",
"(but got married in july 20th), so i thought it'd",
"be good time to share this story.",
"the night before the wedding me and my bestman",
"went to our local small pub to have a couple of",
"pints. (the pub and the wedding place are in the",
"region we used to live in when we were younger.)",
"we talked about the next day and how my life had",
"come to this and so on, i even talked how i",
"wasn't scared or anxious. we even saw some of my",
"friends from another town (where me and mrs. live",
"nowadays), so we had two more beers each. so when",
"we got to bed it was like 3 am and we had to get",
"up at 8. so not too much sleep for the night, and",
"the next day would be a big one.",
"well, despite my lack of sleep the next day was",
"perfect. fucking flawless. i was so goddamn",
"scared at the altar before my soon-to-be-wife",
"entered the main hall, but still it was",
"marvelous. a friend performed a song by enya with",
"her violin at the church and our wedding march",
"(or is it hymeneal in the us?) was outro by m83,",
"so i couldn't hold back the tears.",
"the party itself was also so great, even though i",
"feared beforehand that i'd get too drunk at my",
"own wedding. we partied till 4 am, and then",
"everyone ordered cabs, including me, the wife and",
"our siblings and cousins. since the place was at",
"the countryside, we waited for our taxi for an",
"hour. and during that time i drank the last",
"bottle of champagne by myself and had fun with",
"the remaining guests.",
"the taxi arrives, i hop in, and pass out",
"immediately. i remember everything except the cab",
"ride. when the taxi arrived to our hotel, nobody",
"could wake me up, so my now-wife just stood there",
"and laughed her pretty little ass of while our",
"friends, four of them, carried me to our suite,",
"the bride giggling behind us. or so i heard. they",
"even tried to take off my suit, but eventually",
"gave up and went to their own rooms.",
"midday. i wake up. i feel quite... moist, so to",
"speak. i immediately knew what happened. thought:",
"\"no fucking way, not here, not now. not again.\"",
"my bonjour-suit and the 3000 dollar bed were",
"soaked. pee all over. this wasn't the first or",
"the second time it had happened, but you know,",
"this time it really ruined my morning. and",
"morning wood. so there we were, lying in my piss,",
"drinking champagne and eating grapes and enjoying",
"the first day of our marriage.",
"_________________________________________________",
"_",
"(sorry if grammar has issues, not a native",
"engrish speaker.)"
] |
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come to this and so on, i even talked how i soaked. pee all over. this wasn't the first or
|
33 | 14 | 0.73 | 33 |
a few years ago, my school ran a foreign exchange program, some students from a fairly wealthy suburb of barcelona came to stay with families where i live for a week and we went over there later on in the year. the student i was paired with was a quiet kid who seemed really shy. (understandable in a foreign country where no-one speaks your first language.)
a few days into the week, me and a friend were having an argument. i have a hard time remembering the cause but i know it was something very petty. so i'm walking to school with this terrified spanish kid, when my friend catches up with us. insults are swapped and this guy is getting more and more nervous. this confrontation ends with the friend punching me. now, i am not a strong guy by any means, but i pretty much flip out and (in a move i'm pretty sure i got off assassins creed) i punch him in the gut so he doubles over, and kick him in the face. all the while, the exchange student is looking at me like i just shot his dog. we walk into school and all i can think to say to him is: "sorry about that."
bottom line, he had to stay for the rest of the week in my house, (he looked upon me with the utmost terror.) and later on that year i had to go to his. his parents and teachers were the nicest people ever. but the looks they gave me when they thought i wasn't looking.
|
beat up a friend, traumatized a spanish exchange student.
|
beating up a friend in front of a foreign exchange student.
|
[
"a few years ago, my school ran a foreign exchange",
"program, some students from a fairly wealthy",
"suburb of barcelona came to stay with families",
"where i live for a week and we went over there",
"later on in the year. the student i was paired",
"with was a quiet kid who seemed really shy.",
"(understandable in a foreign country where no-one",
"speaks your first language.)",
"a few days into the week, me and a friend were",
"having an argument. i have a hard time",
"remembering the cause but i know it was something",
"very petty. so i'm walking to school with this",
"terrified spanish kid, when my friend catches up",
"with us. insults are swapped and this guy is",
"getting more and more nervous. this confrontation",
"ends with the friend punching me. now, i am not a",
"strong guy by any means, but i pretty much flip",
"out and (in a move i'm pretty sure i got off",
"assassins creed) i punch him in the gut so he",
"doubles over, and kick him in the face. all the",
"while, the exchange student is looking at me like",
"i just shot his dog. we walk into school and all",
"i can think to say to him is: \"sorry about that.\"",
"bottom line, he had to stay for the rest of the",
"week in my house, (he looked upon me with the",
"utmost terror.) and later on that year i had to",
"go to his. his parents and teachers were the",
"nicest people ever. but the looks they gave me",
"when they thought i wasn't looking."
] |
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] |
terrified spanish kid, when my friend catches up while, the exchange student is looking at me like
|
831 | 116 | 0.9 | 831 |
so saturday i was with my girlfriend and we were driving around the city searching for fun things to do. at dinner, she ordered steak, potatoes and gravy. after dinner she wanted a taste of my baby gravy so i willingly and happily let her have it. after the blowjob fest in the back of my car, the only way to clean up was to use these napkins i found in the back seat. i wiped us up and found a little empty bag of pork rinds that i stuck the cum wipes in. i was going to take the bag out to the trash when i got home but i forgot. the next day, i'm driving my grandparents to the deli so we can grab some brunch. on the way home, she finds the bag of pork rinds and starts digging through it picking up the napkins telling me to not put my "snotty tissues" into a potato chip bag. i corrected her and said it was a pork rind bag but i was not about to correct her about the snot actually being semen. she got some "snot" on her hand and wiped it on her dress. needless to say, i fucked up.
edit: no my grandma did not blow me you sick fucks, yes my girlfriend didn't swallow woopdy doo
|
i left my fapkins in my car and my grandma rubbed her hands on them.
|
letting my grandmother touch my semen
|
[
"so saturday i was with my girlfriend and we were",
"driving around the city searching for fun things",
"to do. at dinner, she ordered steak, potatoes and",
"gravy. after dinner she wanted a taste of my baby",
"gravy so i willingly and happily let her have it.",
"after the blowjob fest in the back of my car, the",
"only way to clean up was to use these napkins i",
"found in the back seat. i wiped us up and found a",
"little empty bag of pork rinds that i stuck the",
"cum wipes in. i was going to take the bag out to",
"the trash when i got home but i forgot. the next",
"day, i'm driving my grandparents to the deli so",
"we can grab some brunch. on the way home, she",
"finds the bag of pork rinds and starts digging",
"through it picking up the napkins telling me to",
"not put my \"snotty tissues\" into a potato chip",
"bag. i corrected her and said it was a pork rind",
"bag but i was not about to correct her about the",
"snot actually being semen. she got some \"snot\" on",
"her hand and wiped it on her dress. needless to",
"say, i fucked up.",
"edit: no my grandma did not blow me you sick",
"fucks, yes my girlfriend didn't swallow woopdy",
"doo"
] |
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] |
after the blowjob fest in the back of my car, the her hand and wiped it on her dress. needless to
|
6 | 12 | 0.77 | 6 |
so i was reading an [online comic](http://www.shadbase.com/propane-of-war/) [nsfwish](i was at a different part) a friend of mine sent me the other day. this comic has some funny parts and some other parts that are porn. i have been skipping the porn parts.
now i have been keeping it open in a tab while i read it. i decided to browse reddit while i ate dinner with the comic still open. once i got done eating, a freshman asks me to install microsoft word for him. i agree and do it and it gets done. afterwords me and him were talking and i open a new tab to show him something. after i showed it to him i close it and turn to continue talking to him. when i closed out the tab, the tab with the comic appears on the screen. he asks me what i was looking at, i look over and see [this](http://www.shadbase.com/the-lezzing-of-korra-page-11/) [nsfw]. i tried to explain to him that it is a comic strip and the creator also does porn every so often, i am certain that he did not believed me. word travels fast here and everyone now thinks that i look at hentai.
|
everyone now thinks i look at hentai.
|
reading comics
|
[
"so i was reading an [online",
"comic](http://www.shadbase.com/propane-of-war/)",
"[nsfwish](i was at a different part) a friend of",
"mine sent me the other day. this comic has some",
"funny parts and some other parts that are porn. i",
"have been skipping the porn parts.",
"now i have been keeping it open in a tab while i",
"read it. i decided to browse reddit while i ate",
"dinner with the comic still open. once i got done",
"eating, a freshman asks me to install microsoft",
"word for him. i agree and do it and it gets done.",
"afterwords me and him were talking and i open a",
"new tab to show him something. after i showed it",
"to him i close it and turn to continue talking to",
"him. when i closed out the tab, the tab with the",
"comic appears on the screen. he asks me what i",
"was looking at, i look over and see",
"[this](http://www.shadbase.com/the-lezzing-of-kor",
"ra-page-11/)",
"[nsfw]. i tried to explain to him that it is a",
"comic strip and the creator also does porn every",
"so often, i am certain that he did not believed",
"me. word travels fast here and everyone now",
"thinks that i look at hentai."
] |
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1
] |
thinks that i look at hentai.
|
31 | 9 | 0.86 | 31 |
so i recently got an in-person job at a cool company. i wanted to wear a skirt as part of the professional look, and i decided to give my legs a good shave. i just do it quick in the shower, but i wanted it close so i decided to do it in the bathtub.
last night i decided to make it relaxing and fun with a some drinking and music. i put the water on, put in a few drops of baby oil, got my ipod player, all that. i only had jack daniels, which i like with ice. i thought i might like a second drink, so i brought the bottle with me and put a lot of ice in the glass.
i get in the tub, drink and bottle on the floor nearby, music going nicely. i just soak and enjoy my drink, put in a little more hot water, and go for another after maybe 20 minutes. huge fucking mistake
i woke up hours later, freezing in the tub, where i apparently spilled most of a handle of jack daniels and soaked in it for two hours. :/ i just started bawling. my roommate confirmed i completely reeked of booze, and it even got into my hair.
i called the interviewer's office (after hours at this point) and said i was really sick and needed to reschedule and emailed the same thing. fortunately in the morning they said that was fine.
|
spent today taking tomato juice showers.
|
trying to look nice for an interview
|
[
"so i recently got an in-person job at a cool",
"company. i wanted to wear a skirt as part of the",
"professional look, and i decided to give my legs",
"a good shave. i just do it quick in the shower,",
"but i wanted it close so i decided to do it in",
"the bathtub.",
"last night i decided to make it relaxing and fun",
"with a some drinking and music. i put the water",
"on, put in a few drops of baby oil, got my ipod",
"player, all that. i only had jack daniels, which",
"i like with ice. i thought i might like a second",
"drink, so i brought the bottle with me and put a",
"lot of ice in the glass.",
"i get in the tub, drink and bottle on the floor",
"nearby, music going nicely. i just soak and enjoy",
"my drink, put in a little more hot water, and go",
"for another after maybe 20 minutes. huge fucking",
"mistake",
"i woke up hours later, freezing in the tub, where",
"i apparently spilled most of a handle of jack",
"daniels and soaked in it for two hours. :/ i just",
"started bawling. my roommate confirmed i",
"completely reeked of booze, and it even got into",
"my hair.",
"i called the interviewer's office (after hours at",
"this point) and said i was really sick and needed",
"to reschedule and emailed the same thing.",
"fortunately in the morning they said that was",
"fine."
] |
[
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0 | 6 | 0.5 | 0 |
so this actually happened yesterday... but anyways my dad is out of town for work and my sister just got home from working all summer at a summer camp. my mom asked me to go outside and start up the grill so we could have hot dogs and hamburgers for dinner. so i start the grill then put the stuff on the grill and look in the corner and saw some older golf clubs. so i grab some iron and go to the lawn and start swinging it. i live in a neighborhood that backs up to a field so i though why don't i just take an old golf ball and hit it into the field. so i grab my dads driver out of his back because i don't want to go into the basement to get mine. i grab a ball and tee and tell my sister to come watch. so we both go to the backyard and i set up the ball on the tee and take my practice swings. so now i am thinking i'm just going to crush the ball so i swing i make connection with the ball and the head of the driver goes with the ball. so there i was thinking oh my god. so i put just the shaft back in the garage and go searching in the waist to chest high field. after that i proceeded to give my arms and legs a 45 minute sponge bath because i got into something that made my legs burn and itch. this was yesterday and my legs are still red and itchy... i wonder what i went through
|
broke the head off my dads driver and had to sponge bathe my legs because they were red, burning and itching
|
breaking my dads golf club
|
[
"so this actually happened yesterday... but anyways",
"my dad is out of town for work and my sister just",
"got home from working all summer at a summer",
"camp. my mom asked me to go outside and start up",
"the grill so we could have hot dogs and",
"hamburgers for dinner. so i start the grill then",
"put the stuff on the grill and look in the corner",
"and saw some older golf clubs. so i grab some",
"iron and go to the lawn and start swinging it. i",
"live in a neighborhood that backs up to a field",
"so i though why don't i just take an old golf",
"ball and hit it into the field. so i grab my",
"dads driver out of his back because i don't want",
"to go into the basement to get mine. i grab a",
"ball and tee and tell my sister to come watch.",
"so we both go to the backyard and i set up the",
"ball on the tee and take my practice swings. so",
"now i am thinking i'm just going to crush the",
"ball so i swing i make connection with the ball",
"and the head of the driver goes with the ball. so",
"there i was thinking oh my god. so i put just the",
"shaft back in the garage and go searching in the",
"waist to chest high field. after that i",
"proceeded to give my arms and legs a 45 minute",
"sponge bath because i got into something that",
"made my legs burn and itch. this was yesterday",
"and my legs are still red and itchy... i wonder",
"what i went through"
] |
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0
] |
dads driver out of his back because i don't want and the head of the driver goes with the ball. so and my legs are still red and itchy... i wonder
|
63 | 29 | 0.73 | 63 |
throwaway for obvious reasons :p
so, it's getting warm where i am and i decided to sleep naked. i love the freedom of it, my boobs rarely get any time out from their "cage" and yeah. i laid my head down and went to sleep.
around 7:30 am, way before my alarm, i was half awake. i strained to fart and felt a wetness between my legs. *oh, no. i peed myself.* was my first thought. now, i am not at my best mental capacity at 7:30 in the morning, so i stuck my hand down there to find out what it was. my hand came back bloody.
great. my period had started. no big deal, i'd just run to the bathroom that wasn't far from my room and get a pad, right? right.
except.
when i stood up, the floodgates opened.
i speedwalked to the bathroom (i don't know why i didn't run, again, i am not at my best) but halfway there it appeared this would not be adequate. i had one option, and one option only.
needless to say, i walked the other half to the bathroom with my left hand cupped between my legs. toilet paper was my savior, but when i finally looked at my hand, it was covered in blood. gross.
i got dressed and went back to sleep, this time, protected :p
|
i perioded in my hand cause i used it as a cup
|
sleeping naked and perioding on my hand
|
[
"throwaway for obvious reasons :p",
"so, it's getting warm where i am and i decided to",
"sleep naked. i love the freedom of it, my boobs",
"rarely get any time out from their \"cage\" and",
"yeah. i laid my head down and went to sleep.",
"around 7:30 am, way before my alarm, i was half",
"awake. i strained to fart and felt a wetness",
"between my legs. *oh, no. i peed myself.* was my",
"first thought. now, i am not at my best mental",
"capacity at 7:30 in the morning, so i stuck my",
"hand down there to find out what it was. my hand",
"came back bloody.",
"great. my period had started. no big deal, i'd",
"just run to the bathroom that wasn't far from my",
"room and get a pad, right? right.",
"except.\n\nwhen i stood up, the floodgates opened.",
"i speedwalked to the bathroom (i don't know why i",
"didn't run, again, i am not at my best) but",
"halfway there it appeared this would not be",
"adequate. i had one option, and one option only.",
"needless to say, i walked the other half to the",
"bathroom with my left hand cupped between my",
"legs. toilet paper was my savior, but when i",
"finally looked at my hand, it was covered in",
"blood. gross.",
"i got dressed and went back to sleep, this time,",
"protected :p"
] |
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finally looked at my hand, it was covered in
|
13 | 5 | 0.75 | 13 |
disclaimer: this is a biggun. not using throwaways, because hey, what could happen?
to start off, i'm a big fan of tf2, clocking in over several hundred hours of playtime when i've got nothing to do. me and my friends have been playing together for well over a year, and it's a lot of fun. but anyways, when the balloonicorn came out as a product on the valve store and thinkgeek, i knew i had to get one. i mean, hey, who doesn't enjoy having an inflatable unicorn from a world of insanity in your home decor? so after checking with my mother (i was thirteen at the time) and ordering it along with some other items, i was set. fast forward to 8/30/2012, where as i eagerly opened and inflated my product, my friends (12 and 9) invited me to their house. i gladly accepted and brought my balloonicorn with me.
after quite a bit of playing there, their mom said that they were going to the school for a meeting and that i can come. once again, i accepted and brought balloonicorn with me. however, i left him in the car. once we got out, we could play in the playground while my friends' mom discussed with the teachers. i hung out on the swings and monkey bars. i was on top of the monkey bars when we were about to head out to play some kickball. naturally, i decided to slide down on the monkey bars and swing off, but my hand slipped. i then managed to hit the front of my bottom teeth on one of the step-bars and then on the ground.
i was bleeding and screaming like bloody heck as my friends came rushing to me. we notified the mom immediately, and she called my mom as i was treated to some cold water from the sink, which didn't help too much. it turns out my mom was unfortunately in the middle of volunteering at the moment, but my dad was at home. so we ended up leaving at the nearest convenience, my buddies comforting me with the balloonicorn.
i got home several minutes later, with my dad at the front door. i limped over as my friends carried the balloonicorn in. my dad, who is a very christian man and thinks that homosexuality (or even guys liking things that have a bit of a feminine touch besides women themselves) is a sin, was surprised at seeing the large inflatable pink unicorn that the boys carried in. (he didn't know i ordered it.) "why are you bringing in that pink unicorn?" he asked. "that's not ours!" one of my neighbors exclaimed. "well, it's not ours, either!" dad responded. "yes it is!" my neighbor yelled as he and his brother shut the door, high-tailed it to their mom's car, and floored it outta here.
by now, i was hanging over the sink, having taken some ibuprofen and letting warm water run down my gore-ish teeth. i heard the entire exposition roll out between the neighbors and my dad, and the steam coming out of his ears was very hot. i can still distinctly remember "do you want to know a secret" playing from his computer as my head lay over the sink, as he paced around, seething in furious anger. at this point, he's practically forgotten about my teeth. after a very awkward moment of no speech, he stepped up and asked why the f&€k i had a 'gay-@$$ pink unicorn'. i tried responding, but all that had come out of my mouth was 'bdoniwnghgatgihihgaghnonwcjejeftjpnpohigb'. he didn't get any happier that night. (we still love each other, although he still harshly gets mad at me when i say anything involving homosexuality.)
luckily, this story has a bit of a happy ending. my teeth would have been knocked out if it weren't for two deus ex machinas: my braces, and the lucky fact that my orthodontist lived right across the freaking street. once my wires were replaced, the ortho gave me a school excuse so i could skip tomorrow and messaged my dentist about teeth-trauma-therapy or something (it wasn't too bad; just q-tips sprayed with icy stuff to check if my teeth were still connected.) the following day, i got to stay at home, watch netflix; eat macaroni and cheese, and play tf2 with my genuine balloonicorn. a guy on a koth server started a trade asking for my genuine buddy. i replied 'no'.
|
i got a balloonicorn online, hit my mouth on the monkey bars, was scolded by my dad for being a 'f@g', went to several therapy things with my dentist, and am still having this incident brought up in conversation to this day.**
|
moment.
|
[
"disclaimer: this is a biggun. not using",
"throwaways, because hey, what could happen?",
"to start off, i'm a big fan of tf2, clocking in",
"over several hundred hours of playtime when i've",
"got nothing to do. me and my friends have been",
"playing together for well over a year, and it's a",
"lot of fun. but anyways, when the balloonicorn",
"came out as a product on the valve store and",
"thinkgeek, i knew i had to get one. i mean, hey,",
"who doesn't enjoy having an inflatable unicorn",
"from a world of insanity in your home decor? so",
"after checking with my mother (i was thirteen at",
"the time) and ordering it along with some other",
"items, i was set. fast forward to 8/30/2012,",
"where as i eagerly opened and inflated my",
"product, my friends (12 and 9) invited me to",
"their house. i gladly accepted and brought my",
"balloonicorn with me.",
"after quite a bit of playing there, their mom",
"said that they were going to the school for a",
"meeting and that i can come. once again, i",
"accepted and brought balloonicorn with me.",
"however, i left him in the car. once we got out,",
"we could play in the playground while my friends'",
"mom discussed with the teachers. i hung out on",
"the swings and monkey bars. i was on top of the",
"monkey bars when we were about to head out to",
"play some kickball. naturally, i decided to slide",
"down on the monkey bars and swing off, but my",
"hand slipped. i then managed to hit the front of",
"my bottom teeth on one of the step-bars and then",
"on the ground.",
"i was bleeding and screaming like bloody heck as",
"my friends came rushing to me. we notified the",
"mom immediately, and she called my mom as i was",
"treated to some cold water from the sink, which",
"didn't help too much. it turns out my mom was",
"unfortunately in the middle of volunteering at",
"the moment, but my dad was at home. so we ended",
"up leaving at the nearest convenience, my buddies",
"comforting me with the balloonicorn.",
"i got home several minutes later, with my dad at",
"the front door. i limped over as my friends",
"carried the balloonicorn in. my dad, who is a",
"very christian man and thinks that homosexuality",
"(or even guys liking things that have a bit of a",
"feminine touch besides women themselves) is a",
"sin, was surprised at seeing the large inflatable",
"pink unicorn that the boys carried in. (he didn't",
"know i ordered it.) \"why are you bringing in that",
"pink unicorn?\" he asked. \"that's not ours!\" one",
"of my neighbors exclaimed. \"well, it's not ours,",
"either!\" dad responded. \"yes it is!\" my neighbor",
"yelled as he and his brother shut the door,",
"high-tailed it to their mom's car, and floored it",
"outta here.",
"by now, i was hanging over the sink, having taken",
"some ibuprofen and letting warm water run down my",
"gore-ish teeth. i heard the entire exposition",
"roll out between the neighbors and my dad, and",
"the steam coming out of his ears was very hot. i",
"can still distinctly remember \"do you want to",
"know a secret\" playing from his computer as my",
"head lay over the sink, as he paced around,",
"seething in furious anger. at this point, he's",
"practically forgotten about my teeth. after a",
"very awkward moment of no speech, he stepped up",
"and asked why the f&€k i had a 'gay-@$$ pink",
"unicorn'. i tried responding, but all that had",
"come out of my mouth was",
"'bdoniwnghgatgihihgaghnonwcjejeftjpnpohigb'. he",
"didn't get any happier that night. (we still love",
"each other, although he still harshly gets mad at",
"me when i say anything involving homosexuality.)",
"luckily, this story has a bit of a happy ending.",
"my teeth would have been knocked out if it",
"weren't for two deus ex machinas: my braces, and",
"the lucky fact that my orthodontist lived right",
"across the freaking street. once my wires were",
"replaced, the ortho gave me a school excuse so i",
"could skip tomorrow and messaged my dentist about",
"teeth-trauma-therapy or something (it wasn't too",
"bad; just q-tips sprayed with icy stuff to check",
"if my teeth were still connected.) the following",
"day, i got to stay at home, watch netflix; eat",
"macaroni and cheese, and play tf2 with my genuine",
"balloonicorn. a guy on a koth server started a",
"trade asking for my genuine buddy. i replied",
"'no'."
] |
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down on the monkey bars and swing off, but my i got home several minutes later, with my dad at carried the balloonicorn in. my dad, who is a come out of my mouth was
|
788 | 111 | 0.93 | 788 |
so to be honest it was yesterday-night that i didn't feed my cat. i was tired, the cat is overweight and asks for more food three times a day so i thought she could wait until morning.
i keep the cat food on top of the washing machine, which is in the attic of my house. this morning i found cat food all around our washing machine as our cat decided to help herself, i cleaned it and fed the cat.
today i went to work, picked up my kids from daycare afterwards, came home, turned on the washing machine, put on sesame street for my kids and started cooking dinner.
after about 15 minutes the fire alarm goes of. so i start running around like a chicken with no head and check al the smoke detectors downstairs but non of them had a red light. so i grab the fire extinguisher and run upstairs. half way up i slip on the huge amount of water that comes of the stairs and badly bruise my arm and ankle. i then leave the fire extinguisher downstairs as fire does not seem to be the problem, and get upstairs again to find out water comes from the attic and leaks into a smoke detector, causing it to start the auto destruct sequence of our house.
i then hear something fall off the stairs and my 11-month old scream like he has never screamed before, so i run/slide downstairs to find out my 11 month-old had followed me up the stairs since i also tifu by leaving the gate open behind me. he also slipped and now has a huge bump on his head.
so then i picked up my screaming 11-month old, check if he is ok, try to comfort him while running up the stairs again and trying to find a way to stop the auto destruct on our house. which luckily worked. i then go to the attic to find that our cat apparently jumped on the plumbing behind our washer, so that two tubes got disconnected and the washer pumped water straight onto our attic floor.
so i come downstairs to find that my two year old has used this unsupervised time to first put my phone on some eastern european language (i don't know how to put it back) and secondly is trying to microwave his rabbit (toy).
|
so not feeding my cat resulted in a water damaged ceiling on our second floor, a huge bump on my kids head, a bruised arm and ankle, a huge mess in my house and my phone in a language that i do not speak.
|
not feeding my cat
|
[
"so to be honest it was yesterday-night that i",
"didn't feed my cat. i was tired, the cat is",
"overweight and asks for more food three times a",
"day so i thought she could wait until morning.",
"i keep the cat food on top of the washing",
"machine, which is in the attic of my house. this",
"morning i found cat food all around our washing",
"machine as our cat decided to help herself, i",
"cleaned it and fed the cat.",
"today i went to work, picked up my kids from",
"daycare afterwards, came home, turned on the",
"washing machine, put on sesame street for my kids",
"and started cooking dinner.",
"after about 15 minutes the fire alarm goes of. so",
"i start running around like a chicken with no",
"head and check al the smoke detectors downstairs",
"but non of them had a red light. so i grab the",
"fire extinguisher and run upstairs. half way up i",
"slip on the huge amount of water that comes of",
"the stairs and badly bruise my arm and ankle. i",
"then leave the fire extinguisher downstairs as",
"fire does not seem to be the problem, and get",
"upstairs again to find out water comes from the",
"attic and leaks into a smoke detector, causing it",
"to start the auto destruct sequence of our house.",
"i then hear something fall off the stairs and my",
"11-month old scream like he has never screamed",
"before, so i run/slide downstairs to find out my",
"11 month-old had followed me up the stairs since",
"i also tifu by leaving the gate open behind me.",
"he also slipped and now has a huge bump on his",
"head.",
"so then i picked up my screaming 11-month old,",
"check if he is ok, try to comfort him while",
"running up the stairs again and trying to find a",
"way to stop the auto destruct on our house. which",
"luckily worked. i then go to the attic to find",
"that our cat apparently jumped on the plumbing",
"behind our washer, so that two tubes got",
"disconnected and the washer pumped water straight",
"onto our attic floor.",
"so i come downstairs to find that my two year old",
"has used this unsupervised time to first put my",
"phone on some eastern european language (i don't",
"know how to put it back) and secondly is trying",
"to microwave his rabbit (toy)."
] |
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machine, which is in the attic of my house. this the stairs and badly bruise my arm and ankle. i he also slipped and now has a huge bump on his head. that our cat apparently jumped on the plumbing
|
20 | 16 | 0.87 | 20 |
so i have two flatmates with whom i share one bathroom and shower. we've got a routine and flow for the mornings since we all get up fairly early, where we each have a normal time when we get up and use the shower in order to not overlap. last night we had a bit of a splash that involved each of us drinking a six-pack immediately prior to going to bed.
now normally when your bladder is full to bursting in the night, you wake up at 4am and fight the battle between getting up and peeing or staying in your warm comfy bed. i sleep hard when facilitated by booze and did not have this opportunity. i woke up at my usual time and realized i had to pee immediately. as soon as i opened my bedroom door i saw the bathroom door close. nooooooo.gif! apparently my flatmate was behind schedule.
i tried to be all zen and focus on other things, emptying my mind like i wanted to empty my bladder, but i could feel my belly as firm as a basketball, and my urethra was all like, "duuuude, wtf, i can not hold this flood back." when i found myself actually pinching it off with my fingers i knew i could not wait 15 minutes for the bathroom. i hadn't had to pee this badly since boot camp! i didn't pee myself then (like so many others) and i'd be damned if i did now.
the kitchen sink crossed my mind -- but no! it was full of dishes.
off the balcony... too risky. landlord lives downstairs.
i've got an empty plastic liter bottle in my trash -- perfect! its got a small opening so i carefully align and hold my willy in place and release.
about a third of the way full, the bottle, hot in my hand, was starting to push back. i was displacing the air with my urine and there is no way i could possibly stop at this point. no other receptacle handy. so i carefully broke the seal while maintaining contact and aim... precipitating an ocean spray explosion of piss-mist that got all over my face, keyboard, bed and desk.
my only thought at that moment: "doesn't matter; still peed."
shameful shower and cleanup came later. mostly i'm just glad it was a liter bottle not a 20oz. it was nearly full.
|
out of desperation i peed in a bottle and caused a cloud of urine to explode in my room.
|
pissing in a bottle for the first time.
|
[
"so i have two flatmates with whom i share one",
"bathroom and shower. we've got a routine and flow",
"for the mornings since we all get up fairly",
"early, where we each have a normal time when we",
"get up and use the shower in order to not",
"overlap. last night we had a bit of a splash that",
"involved each of us drinking a six-pack",
"immediately prior to going to bed.",
"now normally when your bladder is full to",
"bursting in the night, you wake up at 4am and",
"fight the battle between getting up and peeing or",
"staying in your warm comfy bed. i sleep hard when",
"facilitated by booze and did not have this",
"opportunity. i woke up at my usual time and",
"realized i had to pee immediately. as soon as i",
"opened my bedroom door i saw the bathroom door",
"close. nooooooo.gif! apparently my flatmate was",
"behind schedule.",
"i tried to be all zen and focus on other things,",
"emptying my mind like i wanted to empty my",
"bladder, but i could feel my belly as firm as a",
"basketball, and my urethra was all like,",
"\"duuuude, wtf, i can not hold this flood back.\"",
"when i found myself actually pinching it off with",
"my fingers i knew i could not wait 15 minutes for",
"the bathroom. i hadn't had to pee this badly",
"since boot camp! i didn't pee myself then (like",
"so many others) and i'd be damned if i did now.",
"the kitchen sink crossed my mind -- but no! it",
"was full of dishes.",
"off the balcony... too risky. landlord lives",
"downstairs.",
"i've got an empty plastic liter bottle in my",
"trash -- perfect! its got a small opening so i",
"carefully align and hold my willy in place and",
"release.",
"about a third of the way full, the bottle, hot in",
"my hand, was starting to push back. i was",
"displacing the air with my urine and there is no",
"way i could possibly stop at this point. no other",
"receptacle handy. so i carefully broke the seal",
"while maintaining contact and aim...",
"precipitating an ocean spray explosion of",
"piss-mist that got all over my face, keyboard,",
"bed and desk.",
"my only thought at that moment: \"doesn't matter;",
"still peed.\"",
"shameful shower and cleanup came later. mostly",
"i'm just glad it was a liter bottle not a 20oz.",
"it was nearly full."
] |
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emptying my mind like i wanted to empty my about a third of the way full, the bottle, hot in
|
33 | 16 | 0.83 | 33 |
so, my doctor *thinks* i have something called lichen sclerosus et atrophicus on my foreskin which is essentially like having inflamed wet scar tissue gently hugging your man meat.
anyway, last night i had to turn down sex with the bf because it was hurting enough. it usually just gets inflamed and hurts a bit, but it wasn't feeling right. fast-forward to this morning, i wake up earlier than him and in my sleepy stupor wander downstairs. before i know it, i'm incredibly horny, and completely forgetting about last night, start going to town. i notice about 30 seconds after i finish that there's a slight tingling sensation down there, and with 2 minutes, my dick is on fire. i can hardly stand the pain. the fiery wrath of satan came down upon my genitalia this morning, and even now, 4 hours later, it still hurts.
|
i fapped with inflamed foreskin and now my dick is on fire
|
masturbating when i shouldn't have
|
[
"so, my doctor *thinks* i have something called",
"lichen sclerosus et atrophicus on my foreskin",
"which is essentially like having inflamed wet",
"scar tissue gently hugging your man meat.",
"anyway, last night i had to turn down sex with",
"the bf because it was hurting enough. it usually",
"just gets inflamed and hurts a bit, but it wasn't",
"feeling right. fast-forward to this morning, i",
"wake up earlier than him and in my sleepy stupor",
"wander downstairs. before i know it, i'm",
"incredibly horny, and completely forgetting about",
"last night, start going to town. i notice about",
"30 seconds after i finish that there's a slight",
"tingling sensation down there, and with 2",
"minutes, my dick is on fire. i can hardly stand",
"the pain. the fiery wrath of satan came down upon",
"my genitalia this morning, and even now, 4 hours",
"later, it still hurts."
] |
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minutes, my dick is on fire. i can hardly stand
|
151 | 28 | 0.95 | 151 |
this actually happened last night but it didn't post for some reason.
my mom made burritos on tuesday night with veggie crumbles and pintos. i should mention that tuesdays are meatless in our house for as long as i can remember. every other night of the week, we have some kind of meat with dinner. so anyway, she served vegetarian burritos and they were really tasty.
when dinner was over, my dad and i did the dishes and she used the leftover beans and veggie crumbles to make leftover burritos and put them in the fridge. lo and behold, everyone in the house was boated and gassy before bedtime on tuesday. my dad and i have this thing about farting in our house. we actively compete with each other for dominance when it comes to loudness and funk. so all night tuesday and into wednesday, i'm letting them rip. today, my parents took me school shopping for next week and before we went into the mall my mom warned my dad and i not to embarrass her.
while we're shopping, i can feel a massive ass bubble forming and tell my folks i'm going to the bathroom. while i was in there, i ripped ass so bad that i almost gagged. i got the hell out of there, thankful that i was all by my lonesome. as we're heading home, i feel another massive swell of ass gas building and let it rip. upon inhaling my noxious fumes of death, my dad conceded defeat for the first time in all of my years, but it was not to last.
when we got home, i went into the fridge digging for leftovers and found the burritos from tuesday night. i took one out and popped it into the microwave for a late afternoon snack. the old man came in and asked me to heat one up for him too.
i should have known then that this wasn't going to end well.
later on, i'm fucking around online while my mom is sitting in her favorite spot on her favorite couch watching tv. my dad slips into my room and unleashes hell through his ass. plotting my revenge, i wait patiently for the buildup of gasses to stir. when they finally hit their crescendo i was almost doubling over in pain. i stealthy make my way out of my room in search of the old man, eager to exact my revenge. when i don't find him, i look out in the garage, only to find his truck gone.
so i come back inside and see my innocent mother, the woman who feeds me, washes my clothes and has had to put up with the poisonous gas war my father and i have waged for the entirety of my 15 year life. i'm still not sure why i thought it would be a good idea, but i figured why waste a good fart. so i made my approach.
“where's dad?”
“he ran to the store for avocados”
“okay, here's something i was saving for him.”
with that, i spun around, hung my ass out so that it was just inches from her face and let loose. it's gone so flawlessly before, always without a hitch. so when i felt the seat of my shorts fill up with not just a squirt, or even just a single turd, i knew i had fucked up. because i realized then that i had just shit my pants beyond anything that i had ever imagined.
my mom, somehow knowing what i had planned, put her hands on my ass to push it out of her face. so as a pit of brown pythons filled my pants with stunning speed, she had her hand pressed straight into it. needless to say, she wasn't exactly laughing with my dad when he came home. he triumphed again, and my poor, poor saint of a mother became a casualty in our war for dominance.
|
_ i tried to fart in my mom's face, shit my pants instead.
|
shitting my pants while trying to fart in my mom's face
|
[
"this actually happened last night but it didn't",
"post for some reason.",
"my mom made burritos on tuesday night with veggie",
"crumbles and pintos. i should mention that",
"tuesdays are meatless in our house for as long as",
"i can remember. every other night of the week, we",
"have some kind of meat with dinner. so anyway,",
"she served vegetarian burritos and they were",
"really tasty.",
"when dinner was over, my dad and i did the dishes",
"and she used the leftover beans and veggie",
"crumbles to make leftover burritos and put them",
"in the fridge. lo and behold, everyone in the",
"house was boated and gassy before bedtime on",
"tuesday. my dad and i have this thing about",
"farting in our house. we actively compete with",
"each other for dominance when it comes to",
"loudness and funk. so all night tuesday and into",
"wednesday, i'm letting them rip. today, my",
"parents took me school shopping for next week and",
"before we went into the mall my mom warned my dad",
"and i not to embarrass her.",
"while we're shopping, i can feel a massive ass",
"bubble forming and tell my folks i'm going to the",
"bathroom. while i was in there, i ripped ass so",
"bad that i almost gagged. i got the hell out of",
"there, thankful that i was all by my lonesome. as",
"we're heading home, i feel another massive swell",
"of ass gas building and let it rip. upon inhaling",
"my noxious fumes of death, my dad conceded defeat",
"for the first time in all of my years, but it was",
"not to last.",
"when we got home, i went into the fridge digging",
"for leftovers and found the burritos from tuesday",
"night. i took one out and popped it into the",
"microwave for a late afternoon snack. the old man",
"came in and asked me to heat one up for him too.",
"i should have known then that this wasn't going",
"to end well.",
"later on, i'm fucking around online while my mom",
"is sitting in her favorite spot on her favorite",
"couch watching tv. my dad slips into my room and",
"unleashes hell through his ass. plotting my",
"revenge, i wait patiently for the buildup of",
"gasses to stir. when they finally hit their",
"crescendo i was almost doubling over in pain. i",
"stealthy make my way out of my room in search of",
"the old man, eager to exact my revenge. when i",
"don't find him, i look out in the garage, only to",
"find his truck gone.",
"so i come back inside and see my innocent mother,",
"the woman who feeds me, washes my clothes and has",
"had to put up with the poisonous gas war my",
"father and i have waged for the entirety of my 15",
"year life. i'm still not sure why i thought it",
"would be a good idea, but i figured why waste a",
"good fart. so i made my approach.",
"“where's dad?”",
"“he ran to the store for avocados”",
"“okay, here's something i was saving for him.”",
"with that, i spun around, hung my ass out so that",
"it was just inches from her face and let loose.",
"it's gone so flawlessly before, always without a",
"hitch. so when i felt the seat of my shorts fill",
"up with not just a squirt, or even just a single",
"turd, i knew i had fucked up. because i realized",
"then that i had just shit my pants beyond",
"anything that i had ever imagined.",
"my mom, somehow knowing what i had planned, put",
"her hands on my ass to push it out of her face.",
"so as a pit of brown pythons filled my pants with",
"stunning speed, she had her hand pressed straight",
"into it. needless to say, she wasn't exactly",
"laughing with my dad when he came home. he",
"triumphed again, and my poor, poor saint of a",
"mother became a casualty in our war for",
"dominance."
] |
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not to last. then that i had just shit my pants beyond
|
1,358 | 90 | 0.95 | 1,358 |
today, me and the wife were watching whose line is it anyway on the ipad while lying in bed. the cat was at the foot of the bed and i wanted to pet him; so i pet him with my foot.
suddenly, my wife looks over and says "babe, what are you doing? you're rubbing stormy's butt." i looked down and said "hey, i guess i am" and continued, not thinking of the consequences.
all of a sudden, his fur was really wet, i couldn't understand it, what happened? i look down and realize i had moved my toes up and had been stroking his tiny, kitty manhood with my toes.
he promptly got up and walked away, presumably to smoke a cigarette.
|
stroked my cat to an orgasm
|
making my cat orgasm.
|
[
"today, me and the wife were watching whose line is",
"it anyway on the ipad while lying in bed. the cat",
"was at the foot of the bed and i wanted to pet",
"him; so i pet him with my foot.",
"suddenly, my wife looks over and says \"babe, what",
"are you doing? you're rubbing stormy's butt.\" i",
"looked down and said \"hey, i guess i am\" and",
"continued, not thinking of the consequences.",
"all of a sudden, his fur was really wet, i",
"couldn't understand it, what happened? i look",
"down and realize i had moved my toes up and had",
"been stroking his tiny, kitty manhood with my",
"toes.",
"he promptly got up and walked away, presumably to",
"smoke a cigarette."
] |
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him; so i pet him with my foot.
|
18 | 3 | 0.85 | 18 |
today i made a mistake that i feel is somewhat common, but terrible nonetheless. recently there has been a heatwave where i live. we've had a little over a week of 100+ days. so after working in the shop all day i was hot and thirsty, to say the least. well sitting in the cup holders of my truck is two bottles, one is a spitter for chew and the other is tea from lunch, both in the same style bottle. i can imagine you know where this is going. i was so thirsty i didn't pay attention to which bottle i grabbed. i grabbed the spitter and took a big swig of it. instantaneous nausea. it was so terrible that i had to pull over and ended up losing the contents of my stomach in the ditch. lesson learned, pay a little more attention next time.
|
drank from a spitter instead of the tea next to it in my 100 degree truck.
|
not drinking tea
|
[
"today i made a mistake that i feel is somewhat",
"common, but terrible nonetheless. recently there",
"has been a heatwave where i live. we've had a",
"little over a week of 100+ days. so after working",
"in the shop all day i was hot and thirsty, to say",
"the least. well sitting in the cup holders of my",
"truck is two bottles, one is a spitter for chew",
"and the other is tea from lunch, both in the same",
"style bottle. i can imagine you know where this",
"is going. i was so thirsty i didn't pay attention",
"to which bottle i grabbed. i grabbed the spitter",
"and took a big swig of it. instantaneous nausea.",
"it was so terrible that i had to pull over and",
"ended up losing the contents of my stomach in the",
"ditch. lesson learned, pay a little more",
"attention next time."
] |
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the least. well sitting in the cup holders of my truck is two bottles, one is a spitter for chew
|
12 | 4 | 0.77 | 12 |
last night but whatever, fixing a fuck-up is more critical than this. here goes:
background: i'm a sophomore in college and people have just started moving in. i've also been in contact with a girl over the summer and we hook up sometimes. it's fairly serious but nothing official yet.
the incident: i'm at the frat party we were hosting. i invited all my friends from last year to come(including the girl) and it is going well. i've only had three drinks, and my bro comes and starts pouring shots for every one. i match a few freshmen, go to play some slap-cup, and blackout. this occurred around 12:30.
a different female friend of mine tells me the rest. she asks me to take her back to her dorm cuz she's bored. i also agree because i notice summer-girl leaving the party as well and it is in the same direction. at least i hope that was the reasoning. this was around 1am.
once in the dorm, i start wandering trying to find the exit. being too drunk to function, other friend tries to get me to lay down while she charges her phone, and when she looks away, i book it without any explanation. this was at around 1:30.
sometime around 3-4 am, i regain some consciousness and realize i'm in the hospital, and i try to leave. everything is hazy and i stick to the walls. my pants are also covered in my own piss. like, covered. christ it was bad. the nurse tells me i can't leave yet (i think because of 'paperwork'?) and i get belligerent, but eventually go back to the hospital bed. around 5 minutes later, a cop(not sure if campuspd or real cops) tells me to follow him, i get in his car, and he drives me to my dorm. i then re-lose consciousness, and wake up at 9:30 am almost naked on my bed, no phone or keys, but my clothes were beside the bed in a pile.
the aftermath: after helping move in freshmen, i spent the rest of today tearing apart my room trying to find my stuff. i also ran into my other friend, who told me what she knew about my night. meanwhile, i didn't even know i saw her yesterday. i eventually find my keys and access card, saving me a good hundred bucks on replacement fees. i still haven't found my phone. since it is dead, find my iphone doesn't work. after searching everywhere i was, including the hospital, i'm certain it is lost forever somewhere on that walk back home. i also got an email from the disciplinary board and i have to meet with them tmrw to discuss my hospitalization. and to top it all off, the girl i like got really distant with me today, and i have no idea how to fix it or what specifically i did wrong.
|
got drunk as fuck, got hospitalized on my way back home, and now my phone is gone and everyone is pissed at me, including myself.
|
walking home alone
|
[
"last night but whatever, fixing a fuck-up is more",
"critical than this. here goes:",
"background: i'm a sophomore in college and people",
"have just started moving in. i've also been in",
"contact with a girl over the summer and we hook",
"up sometimes. it's fairly serious but nothing",
"official yet.",
"the incident: i'm at the frat party we were",
"hosting. i invited all my friends from last year",
"to come(including the girl) and it is going well.",
"i've only had three drinks, and my bro comes and",
"starts pouring shots for every one. i match a few",
"freshmen, go to play some slap-cup, and blackout.",
"this occurred around 12:30.",
"a different female friend of mine tells me the",
"rest. she asks me to take her back to her dorm",
"cuz she's bored. i also agree because i notice",
"summer-girl leaving the party as well and it is",
"in the same direction. at least i hope that was",
"the reasoning. this was around 1am.",
"once in the dorm, i start wandering trying to",
"find the exit. being too drunk to function, other",
"friend tries to get me to lay down while she",
"charges her phone, and when she looks away, i",
"book it without any explanation. this was at",
"around 1:30.",
"sometime around 3-4 am, i regain some",
"consciousness and realize i'm in the hospital,",
"and i try to leave. everything is hazy and i",
"stick to the walls. my pants are also covered in",
"my own piss. like, covered. christ it was bad.",
"the nurse tells me i can't leave yet (i think",
"because of 'paperwork'?) and i get belligerent,",
"but eventually go back to the hospital bed.",
"around 5 minutes later, a cop(not sure if",
"campuspd or real cops) tells me to follow him, i",
"get in his car, and he drives me to my dorm. i",
"then re-lose consciousness, and wake up at 9:30",
"am almost naked on my bed, no phone or keys, but",
"my clothes were beside the bed in a pile.",
"the aftermath: after helping move in freshmen, i",
"spent the rest of today tearing apart my room",
"trying to find my stuff. i also ran into my",
"other friend, who told me what she knew about my",
"night. meanwhile, i didn't even know i saw her",
"yesterday. i eventually find my keys and access",
"card, saving me a good hundred bucks on",
"replacement fees. i still haven't found my phone.",
"since it is dead, find my iphone doesn't work.",
"after searching everywhere i was, including the",
"hospital, i'm certain it is lost forever",
"somewhere on that walk back home. i also got an",
"email from the disciplinary board and i have to",
"meet with them tmrw to discuss my",
"hospitalization. and to top it all off, the girl",
"i like got really distant with me today, and i",
"have no idea how to fix it or what specifically i",
"did wrong."
] |
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summer-girl leaving the party as well and it is replacement fees. i still haven't found my phone. somewhere on that walk back home. i also got an
|
17 | 10 | 0.84 | 17 |
the breakup wasn't accidental, but it certainly didn't occur how i hoped it would. we just had our one year anniversary, but things were not well for us, we've been drifting apart recently. we talked about the possibility of breaking up a few days ago and i've been thinking about it since. she just started a new job and we haven't seen each other as much as we used to. anyways, she texted me tonight saying how she feels like she is to blame for us being distant and i told her not to blame herself. then i fucked up by saying "maybe it's just time" and the conversation spiraled out of my control from there. i know she deserves better than me and much better than that. it's hard to believe its over because of that and i feel like a complete asshole. i mostly wanted to get that off my chest. throwaway because i can.
|
i feel like a dick for accidentally breaking up with the girl who is in love with me via text message.
|
accidentally breaking up with my gf via text message
|
[
"the breakup wasn't accidental, but it certainly",
"didn't occur how i hoped it would. we just had",
"our one year anniversary, but things were not",
"well for us, we've been drifting apart recently.",
"we talked about the possibility of breaking up a",
"few days ago and i've been thinking about it",
"since. she just started a new job and we haven't",
"seen each other as much as we used to. anyways,",
"she texted me tonight saying how she feels like",
"she is to blame for us being distant and i told",
"her not to blame herself. then i fucked up by",
"saying \"maybe it's just time\" and the",
"conversation spiraled out of my control from",
"there. i know she deserves better than me and",
"much better than that. it's hard to believe its",
"over because of that and i feel like a complete",
"asshole. i mostly wanted to get that off my",
"chest. throwaway because i can."
] |
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we talked about the possibility of breaking up a over because of that and i feel like a complete
|
1,378 | 226 | 0.94 | 1,378 |
so, i'm a kinky gal. i have a bit of a voyeuristic side. i just started class a few days ago and today i decided why not be naughty and wear a buttplug to class today? stupid stupid me decided to wear a pear of loose shorts because it's still fairly hot out. i've never worn a buttplug out without wearing jeans or yoga pants. guess it was those, not my clenching skills, that typically held the plug in place.
shortly after my first class walking through the hallway i felt the plug begin to slip. panicking, i began to quick walk to the restroom clenching my cheeks, but to no avail, the plug slipped out, right passed my undies, out the bottom of my shorts. i have no idea if anyone noticed, but i bolted for the lady's room and hid in the stall for a good 10 minutes.
|
lost my favorite buttplug
|
pooping out my buttplug in the hallway
|
[
"so, i'm a kinky gal. i have a bit of a voyeuristic",
"side. i just started class a few days ago and",
"today i decided why not be naughty and wear a",
"buttplug to class today? stupid stupid me",
"decided to wear a pear of loose shorts because",
"it's still fairly hot out. i've never worn a",
"buttplug out without wearing jeans or yoga pants.",
"guess it was those, not my clenching skills, that",
"typically held the plug in place.",
"shortly after my first class walking through the",
"hallway i felt the plug begin to slip. panicking,",
"i began to quick walk to the restroom clenching",
"my cheeks, but to no avail, the plug slipped out,",
"right passed my undies, out the bottom of my",
"shorts. i have no idea if anyone noticed, but i",
"bolted for the lady's room and hid in the stall",
"for a good 10 minutes."
] |
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buttplug to class today? stupid stupid me
|
26 | 7 | 0.77 | 26 |
alright, not sure if this post will make you cringe, but sure as *hell* made me cringe. so i'm attending a dance tonight, and i though to myself, "hey, why not play some video games to chillax for a bit?"
i hop on the 'ole xbox and launch the first game that catches my eye in my half-assed collection: call of duty black ops ii. first mistake. i'm a notoriously loud serial rager, and have one helluva potty mouth to boot. second mistake? deciding to try and raise my k/d.
you can probably see where this is going.
anyways, i get into a few lobbies, quit, play a bit and then quit, and decide to play some kill confirmed on raid. its one of my favorite maps in the game, so i decide to go tryhard.
fast forward to my second vsat streak; i'm one measly confirm away from my vsat, and decide to call in my chopper. bad move.
next thing i know, jimmy quickscopes comes up and gats me, causing me to scream a hearty, "fucking faggot!" into my mic.
no big deal, right? everyone rages. wrong.
see, today is a friday night. which means my younger and *impressionable as hell* kid sister has piano lessons. with her openly gay piano instructor.
added bonus: since i have a dance to attend, i get to awkwardly shuffle by them as i leave.
*shit.*
|
i screamed "fucking faggot!" while my impressionable kid sister and her openly gay piano instructor were out in the living room. i get to walk by them in about 20 minutes.
|
playing call of duty
|
[
"alright, not sure if this post will make you",
"cringe, but sure as *hell* made me cringe. so i'm",
"attending a dance tonight, and i though to",
"myself, \"hey, why not play some video games to",
"chillax for a bit?\"\r\ri hop on the 'ole xbox and",
"launch the first game that catches my eye in my",
"half-assed collection: call of duty black ops ii.",
"first mistake. i'm a notoriously loud serial",
"rager, and have one helluva potty mouth to boot.",
"second mistake? deciding to try and raise my k/d.",
"you can probably see where this is going.",
"anyways, i get into a few lobbies, quit, play a",
"bit and then quit, and decide to play some kill",
"confirmed on raid. its one of my favorite maps in",
"the game, so i decide to go tryhard.\r\rfast",
"forward to my second vsat streak; i'm one measly",
"confirm away from my vsat, and decide to call in",
"my chopper. bad move.\r\rnext thing i know, jimmy",
"quickscopes comes up and gats me, causing me to",
"scream a hearty, \"fucking faggot!\" into my",
"mic.\r\rno big deal, right? everyone rages.",
"wrong.\r\rsee, today is a friday night. which means",
"my younger and *impressionable as hell* kid",
"sister has piano lessons. with her openly gay",
"piano instructor.\r\radded bonus: since i have a",
"dance to attend, i get to awkwardly shuffle by",
"them as i leave.\r\r*shit.*"
] |
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scream a hearty, "fucking faggot!" into my my younger and *impressionable as hell* kid sister has piano lessons. with her openly gay dance to attend, i get to awkwardly shuffle by
|
13 | 2 | 0.76 | 13 |
they bought the gift last saturday, but i finally saw my mom today to give her the gift.
my mom opens the box to find a lovely snow globe for grandmothers. she goes "ooh, that's very pretty" and then realizes it plays music. she asked what song it played so we wound it up a little while i checked the bottom of the box. i told her that it played "wind beneath my wings" and she looked as though she was going to cry and said quietly that it was my aunt's favorite song. my aunt, her sister, passed away about 10 years ago. she loved the song because she was military and bette midler (i believe) did a uso show during the first gulf war and sang that song.
i felt like crap because, had i been in the store with them to pick it out, i could have stopped them from getting that snow globe that plays that particular song.
|
i gave my mom a mother's day gift that my son picked out and it made her cry because she misses her deceased sister.
|
letting my husband and son pick out a mother's day gift for my mom
|
[
"they bought the gift last saturday, but i finally",
"saw my mom today to give her the gift.",
"my mom opens the box to find a lovely snow globe",
"for grandmothers. she goes \"ooh, that's very",
"pretty\" and then realizes it plays music. she",
"asked what song it played so we wound it up a",
"little while i checked the bottom of the box. i",
"told her that it played \"wind beneath my wings\"",
"and she looked as though she was going to cry and",
"said quietly that it was my aunt's favorite song.",
"my aunt, her sister, passed away about 10 years",
"ago. she loved the song because she was military",
"and bette midler (i believe) did a uso show",
"during the first gulf war and sang that song.",
"i felt like crap because, had i been in the store",
"with them to pick it out, i could have stopped",
"them from getting that snow globe that plays that",
"particular song."
] |
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saw my mom today to give her the gift. ago. she loved the song because she was military and bette midler (i believe) did a uso show
|
1 | 5 | 0.44 | 1 |
i don't have great writing skills, english isn't even my first language, but i'd like to submit this little fuck up. so here is a little background story, i am in junior high, and my class has always been a troublesome bunch, this year, a few new people entered my class, i became especially fond of a girl, about 2 years older than me.
now, nothing out of the ordinary so far, except, that now i find myself in an opposite side of a little quarrel, in one side there are a few people not worth mentioning, except her twin sister (let's call her j, i'll explain later), and in another side, me and a few friends (some of them go back more than 10 years), and another girl which i also know for about a decade (i'll be referring to her as m).
the problem is as follows:
some of my crushes friends have been cracking a few wise-ass jokes, not targeting anyone in particular, but m seems to think it is directed to her and her friends (teenage girls ಠ_ಠ). and j said one of those jokes, only once, (or maybe not, bear in mind, this is an extremely confusing situation). m was going to go to the principal, because she considered it verbal bullying, j heard that she was also going to point out her name, even though she only said it once, and felt betrayed or something.
j has some information about m, very sensitive personal information, (she is 15, dating a 26 year old, that works in the school, this wouldn't be an issue, because the age of consent is 14 where i live, but as per school policy, school workers can't date students, needless to say this would get the dude fired). now, j threatened m that if she mentioned her name to the principal, she would tell about the information, which is pretty low. also needless to say, all hell breaks lose, first on the classroom, then on facebook, i try to keep myself out of it, but... i can't resist, such stupidity, in it's purest form, it lures me like a raccoon is lured to a trash bin. i start to make a point, not offending anyone, after long hours of comment wars, it's pretty safe to say me and my friends "won". but then, j deletes the thread. basically throwing a hissy fit, this doesn't bother me, not so far at least. but then, her sister (my crush, lets call her d) arrives, and says we have been talking crap about her sister, of which she is very protective, she is... hmm, how can i put this, tomboy-ish? she doesn't understand what happened and is extremely mad. she fully supports her sister, it's a pretty dumb thing to do, but somehow i manage to love her, it's one of the thing i like about her, her stubbornness. i believe she is now angry at me and my friends. we were on opposite sides of the battlefield, i think i just blew every chance i had. oh and today i got hit in the face with an umbrella.
|
don't be a lazy fuck, read it.
|
having a rational argument with my crushes sister...
|
[
"i don't have great writing skills, english isn't",
"even my first language, but i'd like to submit",
"this little fuck up. so here is a little",
"background story, i am in junior high, and my",
"class has always been a troublesome bunch, this",
"year, a few new people entered my class, i became",
"especially fond of a girl, about 2 years older",
"than me.",
"now, nothing out of the ordinary so far, except,",
"that now i find myself in an opposite side of a",
"little quarrel, in one side there are a few",
"people not worth mentioning, except her twin",
"sister (let's call her j, i'll explain later),",
"and in another side, me and a few friends (some",
"of them go back more than 10 years), and another",
"girl which i also know for about a decade (i'll",
"be referring to her as m).",
"the problem is as follows:",
"some of my crushes friends have been",
"cracking a few wise-ass jokes, not targeting",
"anyone in particular, but m seems to think it is",
"directed to her and her friends (teenage girls",
"ಠ_ಠ). and j said one of those jokes, only once,",
"(or maybe not, bear in mind, this is an extremely",
"confusing situation). m was going to go to the",
"principal, because she considered it verbal",
"bullying, j heard that she was also going to",
"point out her name, even though she only said it",
"once, and felt betrayed or something.",
"j has some information about m, very sensitive",
"personal information, (she is 15, dating a 26",
"year old, that works in the school, this wouldn't",
"be an issue, because the age of consent is 14",
"where i live, but as per school policy, school",
"workers can't date students, needless to say this",
"would get the dude fired). now, j threatened m",
"that if she mentioned her name to the principal,",
"she would tell about the information, which is",
"pretty low. also needless to say, all hell breaks",
"lose, first on the classroom, then on facebook, i",
"try to keep myself out of it, but... i can't",
"resist, such stupidity, in it's purest form, it",
"lures me like a raccoon is lured to a trash bin.",
"i start to make a point, not offending anyone,",
"after long hours of comment wars, it's pretty",
"safe to say me and my friends \"won\". but then, j",
"deletes the thread. basically throwing a hissy",
"fit, this doesn't bother me, not so far at least.",
"but then, her sister (my crush, lets call her d)",
"arrives, and says we have been talking crap about",
"her sister, of which she is very protective, she",
"is... hmm, how can i put this, tomboy-ish? she",
"doesn't understand what happened and is extremely",
"mad. she fully supports her sister, it's a pretty",
"dumb thing to do, but somehow i manage to love",
"her, it's one of the thing i like about her, her",
"stubbornness. i believe she is now angry at me",
"and my friends. we were on opposite sides of the",
"battlefield, i think i just blew every chance i",
"had. oh and today i got hit in the face with an",
"umbrella."
] |
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this little fuck up. so here is a little
|
17 | 11 | 0.8 | 17 |
okay so, today my mom, sister, and, dad went out while i was in school (i'm home-schooled). well during my break i got on reddit and was browsing around when i felt the need to fap, well, i'm weird and i was just looking around on r/hentai when i found this really good picture of one of my favorite anime characters in a...well... indecent...position. i proceed do make some knuckle children and went to my next class. fast forward a little bit and my family had come back for a quick stop to drop off my dad and then they all left again to run some more errands. well my sister and my dad both walked by my room with this picture enlarged on my screen. i being oblivious to this fact continued on like everything was normal, until they had left i and was done with class and i walk into my room scream "oh fuck" and realized what i had done.
edit: heres the link for..science... [nsfw](http://i.imgur.com/2qle2uc.jpg)
|
left half naked anime chick on screen, pretty sure dad and sister think i'm a freak
|
leaving a picture up on my computer.
|
[
"okay so, today my mom, sister, and, dad went out",
"while i was in school (i'm home-schooled). well",
"during my break i got on reddit and was browsing",
"around when i felt the need to fap, well, i'm",
"weird and i was just looking around on r/hentai",
"when i found this really good picture of one of",
"my favorite anime characters in a...well...",
"indecent...position. i proceed do make some",
"knuckle children and went to my next class. fast",
"forward a little bit and my family had come back",
"for a quick stop to drop off my dad and then they",
"all left again to run some more errands. well my",
"sister and my dad both walked by my room with",
"this picture enlarged on my screen. i being",
"oblivious to this fact continued on like",
"everything was normal, until they had left i and",
"was done with class and i walk into my room",
"scream \"oh fuck\" and realized what i had done.",
"edit: heres the link for..science...",
"[nsfw](http://i.imgur.com/2qle2uc.jpg)"
] |
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] |
for a quick stop to drop off my dad and then they this picture enlarged on my screen. i being
|
32 | 5 | 0.89 | 32 |
so here i was in my english class having a casual conversation when all the sudden my teacher gave my class some concerning news regarding her pregnancy. there was some sort of complication with the functionality in the baby's heart (i'm not too positive on the details) and she told us that she would be absent for a while.
upon hearing the semi-shitty news, i just said without thinking, "abort the mission!" it was fucked up--everyone was staring at me with dropped jaws and shortly thereafter i realized that i was a fucking tool for saying that. i sat the rest of the class drenched in sweat because i was so embarrassed.
after class, i apologized for what i said and my teacher laughed it off. regardless of her mercy, i fucked up.
|
told my teacher to abort her baby.
|
speaking before thinking.
|
[
"so here i was in my english class having a casual",
"conversation when all the sudden my teacher gave",
"my class some concerning news regarding her",
"pregnancy. there was some sort of complication",
"with the functionality in the baby's heart (i'm",
"not too positive on the details) and she told us",
"that she would be absent for a while.",
"upon hearing the semi-shitty news, i just said",
"without thinking, \"abort the mission!\" it was",
"fucked up--everyone was staring at me with",
"dropped jaws and shortly thereafter i realized",
"that i was a fucking tool for saying that. i sat",
"the rest of the class drenched in sweat because i",
"was so embarrassed.",
"after class, i apologized for what i said and my",
"teacher laughed it off. regardless of her mercy,",
"i fucked up."
] |
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conversation when all the sudden my teacher gave
|
0 | 4 | 0.44 | 0 |
so today i fucked up. not one noticed by anyone i knew (thank god), but a fuck up nonetheless. i was woke up by a friend in scotland who kiked me at 3am est, which is around 8am for her. before i woke up, i had a bj dream (happens on occasion, never results in the following). now we chat and she leaves for school, so i fall asleep again to the same dream. here's where the fuck up comes in. my brain, being the horny teen brain it is, decides to escalate the dream a bit further to a full on sex dream. and the dream... escapes the mind and shoots into reality... shoots it right into my favorite boxers... i wake up to a very good feeling and a hard boner. then i realized that that feeling was an orgasm. the damage was devastating. i didn't risk the trash can, i chucked the cum-soaked boxers out the window... today i fucked up. i fucked up my mood. i fucked up my morning. and i fucked up my favorite boxers...
in retrospect, this could have been prevented by making the bed and not sleeping on the bare, comfy, luxurious mattress.
/u/shitbaggins tl;dr: til what a wet dream is
|
i jizzed in my pants. not just any pants, my favorite pants.
|
not making up the bed and sleeping on the bare mattress
|
[
"so today i fucked up. not one noticed by anyone i",
"knew (thank god), but a fuck up nonetheless. i",
"was woke up by a friend in scotland who kiked me",
"at 3am est, which is around 8am for her. before i",
"woke up, i had a bj dream (happens on occasion,",
"never results in the following). now we chat and",
"she leaves for school, so i fall asleep again to",
"the same dream. here's where the fuck up comes",
"in. my brain, being the horny teen brain it is,",
"decides to escalate the dream a bit further to a",
"full on sex dream. and the dream... escapes the",
"mind and shoots into reality... shoots it right",
"into my favorite boxers... i wake up to a very",
"good feeling and a hard boner. then i realized",
"that that feeling was an orgasm. the damage was",
"devastating. i didn't risk the trash can, i",
"chucked the cum-soaked boxers out the window...",
"today i fucked up. i fucked up my mood. i fucked",
"up my morning. and i fucked up my favorite",
"boxers...",
"in retrospect, this could have been prevented by",
"making the bed and not sleeping on the bare,",
"comfy, luxurious mattress.",
"/u/shitbaggins tl;dr: til what a wet dream is"
] |
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] |
up my morning. and i fucked up my favorite
|
12 | 4 | 0.68 | 12 |
my building is running new internet cables and have been in my building for a few weeks. when we first found out i cleaned my apartment and made sure it was ready for them to run. we then had a meeting and the landlord told us that we would have a door hanger telling us two days before anyone would be in our apartments. so i relaxed and kept up a bit but not fully.
today i came home to find my and all my neighbors doors wide open with dudes running from one room to another. i didn't think much of it and went to a movie as to not disturb them. as i was waiting for the movie to start i started thinking if i had anything embarrassing...and then it hit me. my fucking fleshlight is drying in the bathroom. i live in a studio apartment and the bathroom is very visible from the main room, luckily it was up against the wall and they would have had to actually go into my bathroom to see it.
i came home from the movie just now and they were done. i did not know where they were running the cable, but it turned out to be through the closet. i have a fairly large stack of playboys and front magazines that i have accumulated through the years in the top of my closet. this stuff isnt great and i have the internet so i dont use them for spank material. however when i walked into my room everything was back in its place just how i left it except the gentlemen's magazines, which were nicely stacked in my chair.
|
maintenance left all my porn out for me, narrowly missed my fucktoy
|
finding out that maintenance had to move my porn.
|
[
"my building is running new internet cables and",
"have been in my building for a few weeks. when we",
"first found out i cleaned my apartment and made",
"sure it was ready for them to run. we then had a",
"meeting and the landlord told us that we would",
"have a door hanger telling us two days before",
"anyone would be in our apartments. so i relaxed",
"and kept up a bit but not fully.",
"today i came home to find my and all my neighbors",
"doors wide open with dudes running from one room",
"to another. i didn't think much of it and went to",
"a movie as to not disturb them. as i was waiting",
"for the movie to start i started thinking if i",
"had anything embarrassing...and then it hit me.",
"my fucking fleshlight is drying in the bathroom.",
"i live in a studio apartment and the bathroom is",
"very visible from the main room, luckily it was",
"up against the wall and they would have had to",
"actually go into my bathroom to see it.",
"i came home from the movie just now and they were",
"done. i did not know where they were running the",
"cable, but it turned out to be through the",
"closet. i have a fairly large stack of playboys",
"and front magazines that i have accumulated",
"through the years in the top of my closet. this",
"stuff isnt great and i have the internet so i",
"dont use them for spank material. however when i",
"walked into my room everything was back in its",
"place just how i left it except the gentlemen's",
"magazines, which were nicely stacked in my chair."
] |
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first found out i cleaned my apartment and made today i came home to find my and all my neighbors
|
227 | 71 | 0.95 | 227 |
so, i went on a trip for a few days, driving from florida to indianapolis and back. on the way up, i had a tire crack due to dry rot (and proceeded to drive over 900 miles with a severely left-pulling car, thinking the alignment was off.) replacing the tire in indy ate up most of my available funds for the spontaneous trip, and i ended up vacationing very sparsely on borrowed money.
on the way home, my car (which was pushing 100k miles) started really struggling to accelerate. it wouldn't go above 40-45 mph, even when i pushed the pedal as hard as i could. at first, i thought my little scion was struggling with the mountainous terrain of tennessee, but the problem persisted the whole way home, turning a 19-hour straight-through drive into a 23-hour drive and making me late (and dead tired) to work the next day.
after borrowing even more money, i took my car to get a basic fluid change, hoping the issue was transmission fluid or something. $40, no change. the oil change place recommended a new air filter. $30. they said it didn't look too bad, but the car was at 100k miles so i figured, better do it. still no change. next, they recommended a fuel filter change.
well, the fuel filter in a scion can only be changed by ripping out the whole seat, so off to the dealership we go. $320 and a new fuel filter later, i get a call from mike at the dealership telling me to come pick the car up. when i arrived, this is what i was told:
"so, we changed the fuel filter out. it didn't look like it was too bad, but the car's at 100k miles so we changed it. we don't think that was your problem, as the filter wasn't very clogged. we put the whole seat assembly back together. when we did, we noticed your floormat was curled up and jammed under the gas pedal, so we pulled that out for you."
|
spent $400 and panicked the whole way home from a vacation to find my car wasn't accelerating because the fucking floormat was crammed under the gas pedal.
|
not checking the basics
|
[
"so, i went on a trip for a few days, driving from",
"florida to indianapolis and back. on the way up,",
"i had a tire crack due to dry rot (and proceeded",
"to drive over 900 miles with a severely",
"left-pulling car, thinking the alignment was",
"off.) replacing the tire in indy ate up most of",
"my available funds for the spontaneous trip, and",
"i ended up vacationing very sparsely on borrowed",
"money.",
"on the way home, my car (which was pushing 100k",
"miles) started really struggling to accelerate.",
"it wouldn't go above 40-45 mph, even when i",
"pushed the pedal as hard as i could. at first, i",
"thought my little scion was struggling with the",
"mountainous terrain of tennessee, but the problem",
"persisted the whole way home, turning a 19-hour",
"straight-through drive into a 23-hour drive and",
"making me late (and dead tired) to work the next",
"day.",
"after borrowing even more money, i took my car to",
"get a basic fluid change, hoping the issue was",
"transmission fluid or something. $40, no change.",
"the oil change place recommended a new air",
"filter. $30. they said it didn't look too bad,",
"but the car was at 100k miles so i figured,",
"better do it. still no change. next, they",
"recommended a fuel filter change.",
"well, the fuel filter in a scion can only be",
"changed by ripping out the whole seat, so off to",
"the dealership we go. $320 and a new fuel filter",
"later, i get a call from mike at the dealership",
"telling me to come pick the car up. when i",
"arrived, this is what i was told:",
"\"so, we changed the fuel filter out. it didn't",
"look like it was too bad, but the car's at 100k",
"miles so we changed it. we don't think that was",
"your problem, as the filter wasn't very clogged.",
"we put the whole seat assembly back together.",
"when we did, we noticed your floormat was curled",
"up and jammed under the gas pedal, so we pulled",
"that out for you.\""
] |
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0
] |
on the way home, my car (which was pushing 100k persisted the whole way home, turning a 19-hour up and jammed under the gas pedal, so we pulled
|
589 | 93 | 0.95 | 589 |
did not happen today, but i feel if i post the story i may be able to let this one go for good.
it was the morning after a rousing night of drinking and sleeping on a friend's couch with several other drunk hooligans. i chugged some water and headed out to my old soft-top jeep wrangler. i had taken the top off for the summer, but the driver and passenger front side window halfs of the doors were still on it.
i went to open the driver's side door and it just wouldn't budge. i pulled, i jiggled, and finally crawled through the passenger side. the door wouldn't open from the inside either. at this point, hungover friend #1 stumbles out and asks what's up. i explain the situation and he proceeds to try to get it open for himself, and of course, can't do it.
i could have said "fuck it" and gone about my day, but no, you see, i am a mechanical engineering student. it's a simple mechanical malfunction, and i should just go ahead and fix it to prevent crawling through my passenger side / window for the next week. hf#1 (chemical engineering) and i proceed to start taking things apart, trying to get to the jammed mechanism.
after a good half hour, hungover friend #2 comes out, another mechanical engineering major, and gets in on the action. we finally get the window top-half off, and can now access the door easier. hungover friend #3 (materials engineering) comes out and also helps. as it turns out, this is no simple task. it's almost impossible to take a jeep door off while it is closed.
four hours go by with us removing bolts and parts - frustrated and determined. but it is no matter, for we are engineers! we crawled all over the inside and outside of that thing.
it's in the middle of summer, so not only are we hungover but also getting pretty sunburned out there. the door finally comes off and we go about inspecting it. "it appears there's some kind of latch that's stuck closed over here... hmmm.... peculiar... well we should probably take it apart." hf #2 starts messing with the handle and door lock, when: pop! the mysterious latch disappears and is no longer in the way.
it was then that we realized that the door had been locked. that was why it would not open.
i had let my dad borrow that jeep the day prior and he had locked the door. who locks a jeep wrangler with no top!?
we spent the afternoon reassembling my car. at this point a good portion of the windshield and roll-cage were taken apart, and we had stripped a few screws... so... it took until sunset. we then began drinking once more.
edit: thanks guys, i know i can always count on you to make me feel better about my fuck-ups.
|
door won't open on topless jeep. four engineering majors spend half a day taking the car apart only to discover the door had simply been locked. who locks a topless jeep?**
|
my car door wouldn't open, so me and three other engineering students disassembled it.
|
[
"did not happen today, but i feel if i post the",
"story i may be able to let this one go for good.",
"it was the morning after a rousing night of",
"drinking and sleeping on a friend's couch with",
"several other drunk hooligans. i chugged some",
"water and headed out to my old soft-top jeep",
"wrangler. i had taken the top off for the summer,",
"but the driver and passenger front side window",
"halfs of the doors were still on it.",
"i went to open the driver's side door and it just",
"wouldn't budge. i pulled, i jiggled, and finally",
"crawled through the passenger side. the door",
"wouldn't open from the inside either. at this",
"point, hungover friend #1 stumbles out and asks",
"what's up. i explain the situation and he",
"proceeds to try to get it open for himself, and",
"of course, can't do it.",
"i could have said \"fuck it\" and gone about my",
"day, but no, you see, i am a mechanical",
"engineering student. it's a simple mechanical",
"malfunction, and i should just go ahead and fix",
"it to prevent crawling through my passenger side",
"/ window for the next week. hf#1 (chemical",
"engineering) and i proceed to start taking things",
"apart, trying to get to the jammed mechanism.",
"after a good half hour, hungover friend #2 comes",
"out, another mechanical engineering major, and",
"gets in on the action. we finally get the window",
"top-half off, and can now access the door easier.",
"hungover friend #3 (materials engineering) comes",
"out and also helps. as it turns out, this is no",
"simple task. it's almost impossible to take a",
"jeep door off while it is closed.",
"four hours go by with us removing bolts and parts",
"- frustrated and determined. but it is no matter,",
"for we are engineers! we crawled all over the",
"inside and outside of that thing.",
"it's in the middle of summer, so not only are we",
"hungover but also getting pretty sunburned out",
"there. the door finally comes off and we go about",
"inspecting it. \"it appears there's some kind of",
"latch that's stuck closed over here... hmmm....",
"peculiar... well we should probably take it",
"apart.\" hf #2 starts messing with the handle and",
"door lock, when: pop! the mysterious latch",
"disappears and is no longer in the way.",
"it was then that we realized that the door had",
"been locked. that was why it would not open.",
"i had let my dad borrow that jeep the day prior",
"and he had locked the door. who locks a jeep",
"wrangler with no top!?",
"we spent the afternoon reassembling my car. at",
"this point a good portion of the windshield and",
"roll-cage were taken apart, and we had stripped a",
"few screws... so... it took until sunset. we then",
"began drinking once more.",
"edit: thanks guys, i know i can always count on",
"you to make me feel better about my fuck-ups."
] |
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engineering) and i proceed to start taking things been locked. that was why it would not open. and he had locked the door. who locks a jeep
|
172 | 20 | 0.94 | 172 |
so i'm at work and i go for my usual morning shit. pants down, sit down on the can, start business, open up words with friends. son of a bitch landed 50 points on his turn.
hear/feel something odd.
look down and realize that somehow my dick has achieved *just* the right angle to piss right through the tiny gap between the toilet seat and bowl, spraying the back of my khakis and the floor. i do my best to clean up and dry everything off, but there's still a noticeable dark spot smack dab in the middle of my ass. i live too far away to go change, have no backup pants here, and no easy way to disappear and clean them.
did the best i could, zipped back to my desk and here i am, praying i don't smell like piss and trying to figure out a plan to get through the rest of the day.
god dammit.
|
: pissed on the back of my own pants while taking a shit at work.
|
not paying attention while on the toilet
|
[
"so i'm at work and i go for my usual morning shit.",
"pants down, sit down on the can, start business,",
"open up words with friends. son of a bitch",
"landed 50 points on his turn.",
"hear/feel something odd.",
"look down and realize that somehow my dick has",
"achieved *just* the right angle to piss right",
"through the tiny gap between the toilet seat and",
"bowl, spraying the back of my khakis and the",
"floor. i do my best to clean up and dry",
"everything off, but there's still a noticeable",
"dark spot smack dab in the middle of my ass. i",
"live too far away to go change, have no backup",
"pants here, and no easy way to disappear and",
"clean them.",
"did the best i could, zipped back to my desk and",
"here i am, praying i don't smell like piss and",
"trying to figure out a plan to get through the",
"rest of the day.",
"god dammit."
] |
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pants down, sit down on the can, start business, bowl, spraying the back of my khakis and the
|
8 | 15 | 0.59 | 8 |
before you guys go here and judge me for smoking weed or going to school under the influence, i'm a sixteen year old kid working 30+ hours a week and going to school everyday. it has been stressing me out and usually i do nothing about it until recently my friend said that i should smoke during lunch to de-stress and everything would be fine and that i just needed a break. so i gave into peer pressure, big whoop. well, it gets worse. when i get back from lunch after smoking a few bowls with a group of close friends, i start feeling it alllllll slip awayyyy. we were using the school computers and this kid in the class before ours left his account logged in. one of my buddies tells me that it is this kid who tried to sleep with my girlfriend and who was talking shit about me. me and my intoxicated self, having a grudge on this kid, thinks that it would be hilarious to delete all of the saved files on the school's shared drive. the kid is in this e-commerce class and had a **huge** project due that would be over 50% of his grade. so, me, in the current mental state i'm in, wipes this kid's files completely clean. nothing left. but that isn't where i drew the limit. i went on to write html code that popped up and said "damn dude, that blows" and had a sequence of images of kids who went to our school and said "so who was it" in red letters. kind of extreme for me but oh well. the kid failed the class, and wrongfully accused another student whom is getting suspended until next school year. worst thing worst, it was the wrong guy i did it to.
|
i screwed over a kid, thinking it was someone else, and got a different kid suspended.**
|
going to school high.
|
[
"before you guys go here and judge me for smoking",
"weed or going to school under the influence, i'm",
"a sixteen year old kid working 30+ hours a week",
"and going to school everyday. it has been",
"stressing me out and usually i do nothing about",
"it until recently my friend said that i should",
"smoke during lunch to de-stress and everything",
"would be fine and that i just needed a break. so",
"i gave into peer pressure, big whoop. well, it",
"gets worse. when i get back from lunch after",
"smoking a few bowls with a group of close",
"friends, i start feeling it alllllll slip",
"awayyyy. we were using the school computers and",
"this kid in the class before ours left his",
"account logged in. one of my buddies tells me",
"that it is this kid who tried to sleep with my",
"girlfriend and who was talking shit about me. me",
"and my intoxicated self, having a grudge on this",
"kid, thinks that it would be hilarious to delete",
"all of the saved files on the school's shared",
"drive. the kid is in this e-commerce class and",
"had a **huge** project due that would be over 50%",
"of his grade. so, me, in the current mental state",
"i'm in, wipes this kid's files completely clean.",
"nothing left. but that isn't where i drew the",
"limit. i went on to write html code that popped",
"up and said \"damn dude, that blows\" and had a",
"sequence of images of kids who went to our school",
"and said \"so who was it\" in red letters. kind of",
"extreme for me but oh well. the kid failed the",
"class, and wrongfully accused another student",
"whom is getting suspended until next school year.",
"worst thing worst, it was the wrong guy i did it",
"to."
] |
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drive. the kid is in this e-commerce class and worst thing worst, it was the wrong guy i did it
|
29 | 37 | 0.81 | 29 |
i am in grade 11 bio. each week my teacher expects us to take home the class pet, a hamster, for the day. when i say this thing was ugly, i mean ugly. it had crap pouring down its eyes, and it shit on the same spot because it could barely move its hind legs. any ways, besides being allergic and hating the thing, my teacher made me take the pest home.
my parents also hated the so called animal, and made me keep it in my room. here is where the fun starts.
the thing was noisy (i do not understand how it made so much noise for the little almost-half-paralysed creature it was, but hell behold it did), and it smelled up my room with the combination of piss and ass.
never the less, in the barley concious state i was in at 4am (my throat is clogged and my eyes are swollen from my allergies), the thing started screaming.
yes, a hamster was screaming.
i, to shut the thing up, grabbed my alarm clock (that was going to be off in about 2 hours with out me getting a wink of sleep) and threw it as hard as i could at the cage.
and just like that it was silent. too silent. i didn't even hear its normal sniffling. with every drop of adrenaline, i ran towards the (class beloved) pet and turned on the lamp to see that it was dead. at first i wasn't sure, but after taking it out, and its mouth hanging open with identically open wide eyes, i realized i gave it a heart attack.
today at school, i brought it in the class and told everyone that it died in his sleep. some girls actually started crying and the teacher was ready to take the day off. (she had the hamster for 7 years) my class decides to make a funeral, yes a funeral. my teacher, thinking i was upset and suffering from some kind of pts asked me to be the one with the honour of buring it and talking about its last few hours of life.
so rest in peace tanner(not the real name just in case a classmate sees this) you will not be missed and i hope you get replaced with a fish.
my class is pretty upset, they keep saying it wasn't my fault, and some guy i think likes me almost beat up another guy up for saying it was.
i'm sorry but i do not feel guilty which sounds bad, i didn't want to bring the thing home.
edit; not sure how old it was. it was just friggen old
|
accidentally gave the class pet a heart attack and claimed it as accident. had to pretend to be upset at its funeral.
|
killing the class pet
|
[
"i am in grade 11 bio. each week my teacher expects",
"us to take home the class pet, a hamster, for the",
"day. when i say this thing was ugly, i mean ugly.",
"it had crap pouring down its eyes, and it shit on",
"the same spot because it could barely move its",
"hind legs. any ways, besides being allergic and",
"hating the thing, my teacher made me take the",
"pest home.",
"my parents also hated the so called animal, and",
"made me keep it in my room. here is where the fun",
"starts.",
"the thing was noisy (i do not understand how it",
"made so much noise for the little",
"almost-half-paralysed creature it was, but hell",
"behold it did), and it smelled up my room with",
"the combination of piss and ass.",
"never the less, in the barley concious state i",
"was in at 4am (my throat is clogged and my eyes",
"are swollen from my allergies), the thing started",
"screaming.",
"yes, a hamster was screaming.",
"i, to shut the thing up, grabbed my alarm clock",
"(that was going to be off in about 2 hours with",
"out me getting a wink of sleep) and threw it as",
"hard as i could at the cage.",
"and just like that it was silent. too silent. i",
"didn't even hear its normal sniffling. with every",
"drop of adrenaline, i ran towards the (class",
"beloved) pet and turned on the lamp to see that",
"it was dead. at first i wasn't sure, but after",
"taking it out, and its mouth hanging open with",
"identically open wide eyes, i realized i gave it",
"a heart attack.",
"today at school, i brought it in the class and",
"told everyone that it died in his sleep. some",
"girls actually started crying and the teacher was",
"ready to take the day off. (she had the hamster",
"for 7 years) my class decides to make a funeral,",
"yes a funeral. my teacher, thinking i was upset",
"and suffering from some kind of pts asked me to",
"be the one with the honour of buring it and",
"talking about its last few hours of life.",
"so rest in peace tanner(not the real name just in",
"case a classmate sees this) you will not be",
"missed and i hope you get replaced with a fish.",
"my class is pretty upset, they keep saying it",
"wasn't my fault, and some guy i think likes me",
"almost beat up another guy up for saying it was.",
"i'm sorry but i do not feel guilty which sounds",
"bad, i didn't want to bring the thing home.",
"edit; not sure how old it was. it was just",
"friggen old"
] |
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us to take home the class pet, a hamster, for the it had crap pouring down its eyes, and it shit on a heart attack.
|
48 | 51 | 0.67 | 48 |
so a few days ago in last period we were just hanging out in the art room waiting for dismissal. since i am the one who usually says random things to see peoples reaction (not to hurt anyone's feelings). i come up with the genius idea of going halfway across the room and sitting at the teachers table (only 10 kids in class so half the tables are empty) and saying i want to be a hitman or assassin. she says why and i say because my name implies it and she says "then you should be a butcher". then i say "no it means mass murder and that's what assassins do" then she says "ok... you know i have to tell the principal right?" and then i knew i was screwed so i just accepted it.
so the next day i go to first period and within a minute of me getting their security gets me and takes me to the principals office. i was in their for an hour and they searched and questioned me. i thought i was off the hook since we only talked about the incident for 5 minutes they left for half an hour (probably to search my locker and car), came back and said to not say things like that and sent me back to class.
now that i got home my mom called and said the principal wants my mental health evaluated. i don't think i will be able to stay in school because i said this when tensions in the country are high.
**
|
- don't say stupid things hoping to get reactions.**
|
might get expelled and will be watched for the rest of my life.
|
[
"so a few days ago in last period we were just",
"hanging out in the art room waiting for",
"dismissal. since i am the one who usually says",
"random things to see peoples reaction (not to",
"hurt anyone's feelings). i come up with the",
"genius idea of going halfway across the room and",
"sitting at the teachers table (only 10 kids in",
"class so half the tables are empty) and saying i",
"want to be a hitman or assassin. she says why and",
"i say because my name implies it and she says",
"\"then you should be a butcher\". then i say \"no it",
"means mass murder and that's what assassins do\"",
"then she says \"ok... you know i have to tell the",
"principal right?\" and then i knew i was screwed",
"so i just accepted it.",
"so the next day i go to first period and within a",
"minute of me getting their security gets me and",
"takes me to the principals office. i was in their",
"for an hour and they searched and questioned me.",
"i thought i was off the hook since we only talked",
"about the incident for 5 minutes they left for",
"half an hour (probably to search my locker and",
"car), came back and said to not say things like",
"that and sent me back to class.",
"now that i got home my mom called and said the",
"principal wants my mental health evaluated. i",
"don't think i will be able to stay in school",
"because i said this when tensions in the country",
"are high.",
"**"
] |
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car), came back and said to not say things like
|
597 | 101 | 0.89 | 597 |
in november we finally moved into our new house that has a man made koi pond in the back. fast forward to the "spring" (i put that in quotes given how crazy the weather has been in the northeast) and we decided to clean it out and fix it up, as it hadn't been well maintained in the last year before we moved in. we drained the water from the pond and took out all the fish and put them in a bucket. we kept the water from the pond in the bucket and all the fish were fine (about a dozen or so fish.) i realized that we needed to keep this water in there and that if we switched it with say, tap water, the fish could die. however, i forgot to tell my wife this, who would then convey this information to my mother in law who is staying with us to watch our daughter. mother in law doesn't speak any english so the only way to communicate is through my wife.
fast forward to today (well technically yesterday but i didn't get a chance to post this then) and i come home from work and my dad comes over to measure the pond. he then yells out to me, "hey! all the fish are dead!" i declare "bullshit!" but then i went over and sure enough, the bucket had become a fish graveyard. a dozen or so fish of various sizes all floating on the top. i also noticed that the water was much cleaner than it was beforehand. turns out my mil decided to change the water and apparently the fish couldn't handle it and thus it killed them all. i felt bad because a: my older daughter had started to like to the fish and would watch them and feed them, and b: they survived all fall and winter in the pond only to later die what was probably a rather painful death. now we have to buy all new fish once we get this pond up and running:
|
drained pond and stored fish in bucket. mother in law changed water because i forgot to tell her not to and ended up killing all our fish.
|
not talking to my wife
|
[
"in november we finally moved into our new house",
"that has a man made koi pond in the back. fast",
"forward to the \"spring\" (i put that in quotes",
"given how crazy the weather has been in the",
"northeast) and we decided to clean it out and fix",
"it up, as it hadn't been well maintained in the",
"last year before we moved in. we drained the",
"water from the pond and took out all the fish and",
"put them in a bucket. we kept the water from the",
"pond in the bucket and all the fish were fine",
"(about a dozen or so fish.) i realized that we",
"needed to keep this water in there and that if we",
"switched it with say, tap water, the fish could",
"die. however, i forgot to tell my wife this, who",
"would then convey this information to my mother",
"in law who is staying with us to watch our",
"daughter. mother in law doesn't speak any english",
"so the only way to communicate is through my",
"wife.",
"fast forward to today (well technically yesterday",
"but i didn't get a chance to post this then) and",
"i come home from work and my dad comes over to",
"measure the pond. he then yells out to me, \"hey!",
"all the fish are dead!\" i declare \"bullshit!\" but",
"then i went over and sure enough, the bucket had",
"become a fish graveyard. a dozen or so fish of",
"various sizes all floating on the top. i also",
"noticed that the water was much cleaner than it",
"was beforehand. turns out my mil decided to",
"change the water and apparently the fish couldn't",
"handle it and thus it killed them all. i felt bad",
"because a: my older daughter had started to like",
"to the fish and would watch them and feed them,",
"and b: they survived all fall and winter in the",
"pond only to later die what was probably a rather",
"painful death. now we have to buy all new fish",
"once we get this pond up and running:"
] |
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] |
water from the pond and took out all the fish and die. however, i forgot to tell my wife this, who daughter. mother in law doesn't speak any english
|
0 | 1 | 0.39 | 0 |
[this song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bf-8uc07pu) made me take a poop on myself and i ruined my favorite boxers
|
crapped myself
|
crapping myself listening to this song
|
[
"[this",
"song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bf-8uc07pu)",
"made me take a poop on myself and i ruined my",
"favorite boxers"
] |
[
0,
0,
1,
0
] |
made me take a poop on myself and i ruined my
|
74 | 15 | 0.97 | 74 |
i apologize in advance for any formatting errors, i'm on my phone.
both of my classes today were cancelled, and i wasn't scheduled to work, so i figured i should so something productive with my time and decided to go donate blood. not a big deal, i'm o- so they get me in there as much as they possibly can.
donation went fine, no problems there. after i had finished, i went home, had lunch and then headed to the library for a few hours to work on a paper. finished up, headed home, decided to make myself dinner.
i've had a ton of this boxed off-brand macaroni and cheese sitting around for a while now, and decided to try to get rid of some. cooked it, ate about a third of it, felt full but nothing out of the ordinary (yet).
my night continued as my friend and i decided to head to our favorite bar to play some cornhole -- their outdoor bar opened up a few weeks ago and there's a killer cornhole scene, if cornhole scenes are even a thing. i was slowly sipping on a bourbon and ginger with no intention of getting drunk, since 1) i have class tomorrow morning and 2) i gave blood this morning so my tolerance is shot to hell. i ended up drinking maybe a quarter of my drink. we stayed for a couple of hours, and the entire time i slowly started to feel sicker and sicker. we finished up our last game, and as we were closing out our tabs at the bar, i burped. it was wet. and tasted like acid mixed with the orange powder stuff that makes shitty mac and cheese oh so delicious. bad news.
at this point, i warned my friend that it was going to be brain over barf the whole way home, and she reassured me that i could just puke in a bush if worst came to worst. i held it in the entire way back to my apartment, and headed straight for the bathroom once i got in the door. genius me decided it would be an awesome idea to pee beforehand, but my genius colon decided now would be a good time to release some awesome smelling shit as well. the pressure being put on my abdomen from shitting cause me to start to puke, so i immediately hopped up off the toilet and spun around, flushing just in time to smack my forehead into the toilet seat.
i wasn't anticipating the smell. to be fair, i don't know what i was expecting since i just witnessed myself shitting into the very same toilet. i finally puked. unfortunately, whatever demon combination of mac and cheese and shit smell that i was undergoing at the time caused me to projectile vomit so hard that the chunks of puke ricocheted back up to hit me in the face, causing me to puke again.
all in all i paid my respects to the porcelain god for ten minutes before i decided i was good enough to try to go to sleep. i cleaned up, went into the kitchen to get some water, and wandered past my confused roommates and into bed. it took maybe three sips of water before my stomach revolted again, and i went into the bathroom to puke some more.
currently i'm sitting on the bathroom floor trying to see if it's feasible to even sleep in my bed tonight. i can't go more than two minutes without throwing up (even though i have nothing left to throw up at this point). so yeah.
**edit: but wait, there's more!**
i ended up going to bed right after i posted this (around 2am i think), but only slept for like an hour before waking up and puking again. got back into bed, slept for three whole hours this time, and then made the worst mistake i've ever made. (i wish i were making this up.) i was laying on my stomach and the urge to fart appeared. in my sleep-addled mind, i thought "sure, go for it, you've been puking and shitting all night, but definitely trust this fart!"
bad news again. a foul combination of mostly water and also probably mac and cheese exploded out of my ass. luckily, i was wearing those shorts that have built in underwear, so the toxic waste was contained and i was able to jump down from my bed and waddle to the bathroom. shit some more. puked some more. took a shower to clean myself up. finally, around 6:30am, i went back to sleep. thankfully, i stayed asleep until 10 minutes ago (3:30pm), missing all of my classes and still managing to feel like shit when i woke up. awesome.
|
gave blood, ate mac and cheese, played cornhole, reverse ate mac and cheese out of both ends.
|
donating blood and/or eating macaroni and cheese
|
[
"i apologize in advance for any formatting errors,",
"i'm on my phone.",
"both of my classes today were cancelled, and i",
"wasn't scheduled to work, so i figured i should",
"so something productive with my time and decided",
"to go donate blood. not a big deal, i'm o- so",
"they get me in there as much as they possibly",
"can.",
"donation went fine, no problems there. after i",
"had finished, i went home, had lunch and then",
"headed to the library for a few hours to work on",
"a paper. finished up, headed home, decided to",
"make myself dinner.",
"i've had a ton of this boxed off-brand macaroni",
"and cheese sitting around for a while now, and",
"decided to try to get rid of some. cooked it, ate",
"about a third of it, felt full but nothing out of",
"the ordinary (yet).",
"my night continued as my friend and i decided to",
"head to our favorite bar to play some cornhole --",
"their outdoor bar opened up a few weeks ago and",
"there's a killer cornhole scene, if cornhole",
"scenes are even a thing. i was slowly sipping on",
"a bourbon and ginger with no intention of getting",
"drunk, since 1) i have class tomorrow morning and",
"2) i gave blood this morning so my tolerance is",
"shot to hell. i ended up drinking maybe a quarter",
"of my drink. we stayed for a couple of hours, and",
"the entire time i slowly started to feel sicker",
"and sicker. we finished up our last game, and as",
"we were closing out our tabs at the bar, i",
"burped. it was wet. and tasted like acid mixed",
"with the orange powder stuff that makes shitty",
"mac and cheese oh so delicious. bad news.",
"at this point, i warned my friend that it was",
"going to be brain over barf the whole way home,",
"and she reassured me that i could just puke in a",
"bush if worst came to worst. i held it in the",
"entire way back to my apartment, and headed",
"straight for the bathroom once i got in the door.",
"genius me decided it would be an awesome idea to",
"pee beforehand, but my genius colon decided now",
"would be a good time to release some awesome",
"smelling shit as well. the pressure being put on",
"my abdomen from shitting cause me to start to",
"puke, so i immediately hopped up off the toilet",
"and spun around, flushing just in time to smack",
"my forehead into the toilet seat.",
"i wasn't anticipating the smell. to be fair, i",
"don't know what i was expecting since i just",
"witnessed myself shitting into the very same",
"toilet. i finally puked. unfortunately, whatever",
"demon combination of mac and cheese and shit",
"smell that i was undergoing at the time caused me",
"to projectile vomit so hard that the chunks of",
"puke ricocheted back up to hit me in the face,",
"causing me to puke again.",
"all in all i paid my respects to the porcelain",
"god for ten minutes before i decided i was good",
"enough to try to go to sleep. i cleaned up, went",
"into the kitchen to get some water, and wandered",
"past my confused roommates and into bed. it took",
"maybe three sips of water before my stomach",
"revolted again, and i went into the bathroom to",
"puke some more.",
"currently i'm sitting on the bathroom floor",
"trying to see if it's feasible to even sleep in",
"my bed tonight. i can't go more than two minutes",
"without throwing up (even though i have nothing",
"left to throw up at this point). so yeah.",
"**edit: but wait, there's more!**",
"i ended up going to bed right after i posted this",
"(around 2am i think), but only slept for like an",
"hour before waking up and puking again. got back",
"into bed, slept for three whole hours this time,",
"and then made the worst mistake i've ever made.",
"(i wish i were making this up.) i was laying on",
"my stomach and the urge to fart appeared. in my",
"sleep-addled mind, i thought \"sure, go for it,",
"you've been puking and shitting all night, but",
"definitely trust this fart!\"",
"bad news again. a foul combination of mostly",
"water and also probably mac and cheese exploded",
"out of my ass. luckily, i was wearing those",
"shorts that have built in underwear, so the toxic",
"waste was contained and i was able to jump down",
"from my bed and waddle to the bathroom. shit some",
"more. puked some more. took a shower to clean",
"myself up. finally, around 6:30am, i went back to",
"sleep. thankfully, i stayed asleep until 10",
"minutes ago (3:30pm), missing all of my classes",
"and still managing to feel like shit when i woke",
"up. awesome."
] |
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2) i gave blood this morning so my tolerance is demon combination of mac and cheese and shit
|
38 | 9 | 0.82 | 38 |
i came home from a job interview and turned the tv on as per western culture. whilst searching for suitable background noise that i could repeat should i be arrested and need to explain i was home watching tv by saying what was on.
then i had that empty pain in my stomach. it was then that my mind flashed back through the day and was shocked to see i had not eaten that day. so off to the kitchen i went, i carefully climbed the obstacle course that is a man's city apartment. i climbed mount ironing and swam through lake spilt coffee.
i approached the kitchen and with a feeling of being god himself i declared "let there be light!"
i reached for the switch that would be in instrument of my divinity.
at that very moment god sent down a thunderbolt to spite the heathen i was!
the lights in the kitchen exploded! they shook the room with the power of an angry god. the bulbs shattered in the bang and pieces flew through the air with such grace. shards of glass bounced from counter to cupboard and some into the toaster!
when this happened my only thought was how glad i was i had already had my afternoon poo. otherwise i would have been calling for a counter reset.
it was at that moment that i was plunged into darkness! i had no lights, no lamps, not even the glow of the microwave clock that taunts me daily with its time traveling power!
the i am. barefoot in the dark in a room now coated with glass pieces. oh fuck i thought!
i then decided to be a man and go about a decisive resolution to the matter. i walked confidently telling myself that i will be fine and a few minor cuts couldn't hurt me. oh how wrong was i? i had chunks of glass in my foot and still i could not see.
eventually i found an old torch who's light emitting abilities resembled a wet match. it was all i had.
i could see doorways so i navigated to the circuit breaker. once there i checked that nothing had tripped, i then tripped and reset again. no luck!
i pulled the glass out of my foot and put odd shoes on. examined the light to see the caps were still in. i'm a man, i know what to do. i looked for tools, what kind of man hasn't got a tool box? me it would seem.
i then asked the woman next door if she had any. she appeared with some almost instantly! now i'm a man with bright pink pliers!
removing the caps was easy, holding the torch in my mouth because surely it must be clean.
now i put bulbs in all on my own.
still no power? what is this man to do? so i called my mother.
she tells me to go back to the breaker. i stand there as she asks what parts i can see. she tells me to find another panel with switches. i see a panel with a screw on it. i decide this is it and with reckless abandon i start to remove parts of the mains supply. it's then i see the notice saying removing this panel can lead to death or serious injury. i decide i'm not that brave and abandon it.
now my mother says "anything else on the wall?" to which i say "there's this big box that wires go into." suddenly i saw a flap! i lifted to find tens of switches! all down! i flip them up and just like god i made light.
i walk back to my tv with a bloody foot and having missed the tv show.
|
i'm going to prison for murder.
|
turning the light on without wearing shoes
|
[
"i came home from a job interview and turned the tv",
"on as per western culture. whilst searching for",
"suitable background noise that i could repeat",
"should i be arrested and need to explain i was",
"home watching tv by saying what was on.",
"then i had that empty pain in my stomach. it was",
"then that my mind flashed back through the day",
"and was shocked to see i had not eaten that day.",
"so off to the kitchen i went, i carefully climbed",
"the obstacle course that is a man's city",
"apartment. i climbed mount ironing and swam",
"through lake spilt coffee.",
"i approached the kitchen and with a feeling of",
"being god himself i declared \"let there be",
"light!\"",
"i reached for the switch that would be in",
"instrument of my divinity.",
"at that very moment god sent down a thunderbolt",
"to spite the heathen i was!",
"the lights in the kitchen exploded! they shook",
"the room with the power of an angry god. the",
"bulbs shattered in the bang and pieces flew",
"through the air with such grace. shards of glass",
"bounced from counter to cupboard and some into",
"the toaster!",
"when this happened my only thought was how glad i",
"was i had already had my afternoon poo. otherwise",
"i would have been calling for a counter reset.",
"it was at that moment that i was plunged into",
"darkness! i had no lights, no lamps, not even the",
"glow of the microwave clock that taunts me daily",
"with its time traveling power!",
"the i am. barefoot in the dark in a room now",
"coated with glass pieces. oh fuck i thought!",
"i then decided to be a man and go about a",
"decisive resolution to the matter. i walked",
"confidently telling myself that i will be fine",
"and a few minor cuts couldn't hurt me. oh how",
"wrong was i? i had chunks of glass in my foot and",
"still i could not see.",
"eventually i found an old torch who's light",
"emitting abilities resembled a wet match. it was",
"all i had.",
"i could see doorways so i navigated to the",
"circuit breaker. once there i checked that",
"nothing had tripped, i then tripped and reset",
"again. no luck!",
"i pulled the glass out of my foot and put odd",
"shoes on. examined the light to see the caps were",
"still in. i'm a man, i know what to do. i looked",
"for tools, what kind of man hasn't got a tool",
"box? me it would seem.",
"i then asked the woman next door if she had any.",
"she appeared with some almost instantly! now i'm",
"a man with bright pink pliers!",
"removing the caps was easy, holding the torch in",
"my mouth because surely it must be clean.",
"now i put bulbs in all on my own.",
"still no power? what is this man to do? so i",
"called my mother.",
"she tells me to go back to the breaker. i stand",
"there as she asks what parts i can see. she tells",
"me to find another panel with switches. i see a",
"panel with a screw on it. i decide this is it and",
"with reckless abandon i start to remove parts of",
"the mains supply. it's then i see the notice",
"saying removing this panel can lead to death or",
"serious injury. i decide i'm not that brave and",
"abandon it.",
"now my mother says \"anything else on the wall?\"",
"to which i say \"there's this big box that wires",
"go into.\" suddenly i saw a flap! i lifted to find",
"tens of switches! all down! i flip them up and",
"just like god i made light.",
"i walk back to my tv with a bloody foot and",
"having missed the tv show."
] |
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still in. i'm a man, i know what to do. i looked
|
34 | 4 | 0.87 | 34 |
i'm your average undergraduate student. i also happen to be doing a summer placement with someone from prof n.'s team. the professor in question is a legend in his field. the kind of guy who has been on tv many many times and is very well known in the country.
i'm not starting my lab placement until may, but i happen to work in the same building as his team, so my supervisor-to-be thought it would be a good idea for me to attend their weekly meetings if i was available.
i happened to be available this time, so i headed off to my first meeting ever... but first, i decided to check something very quickly with my current supervisor (*mistake #1*).
when i checked the time, the weekly meeting had already started 15 min earlier... not wanting to disappoint my supervisor-to-be, i still decided to go. or at least check if it had already started/finished.
i should mention that when my supervisor-to-be said "we meet every week" i understood "we"= himself and a phd student (*mistake #2*). oh boy, how wrong was i... i checked his office only to find no one inside. on my way back, i noticed that there were voices coming from a seminar room.
bingo! that must be it! that's were they are!
the clever side of me says it's too late to join, come back next week... he knows you are busy, after all.
as i started making my way back, my suddenly adventurous self convinces me that hey, maybe the meeting is supposed to be 1 hour long, who knows... you might not be *that* late...
after 2 minutes of awkward hesitation in front of the room, i built up as much courage as i could and opened that door (*mistake #3*), only to reveal a selection of very important people around a table, the whole meeting being chaired by prof n.
*fuck, what have i done?! fuck fuck fuck*
-"errmm... i'm sorry and... i'm sorry for being late and interrupting...ermm i..." *nervously lowers head while still standing at the door*
professor n. stares at me with a face similar to the one in the banner of /r/cringe and asks "ok... who are you?!"
my cringe-o-meter was off the roof at this point.
my supervisor-to-be tries to save the day by informing prof n. of my oh-so-insignificant identity, which is followed by a friendly "hi, i'm prof n" and a handshake. even though it was an awkward-as-fuck handshake (and i was still unable to speak intelligible words), i thought everything was done... end of the cringe.
however i decided to seal this embarrassing masterpiece: **i headed towards my seat by walking between prof n's and someone else's legs and the table [like this](http://i.imgur.com/kxvmuiv.jpg).** *(mistake #4*)
as i sat, my insides cringed furiously and the meeting ended almost immediately.
i'm still cringing. can't wait until next week...
ps: if you happened to be at that meeting and are reading this: i'm so, so sorry for being so socially inept... i fell on my head when i was 2 years old.
|
if social interaction was a sport, i would compete at the paralympics.**
|
interrupting an important meeting and being a sap
|
[
"i'm your average undergraduate student. i also",
"happen to be doing a summer placement with",
"someone from prof n.'s team. the professor in",
"question is a legend in his field. the kind of",
"guy who has been on tv many many times and is",
"very well known in the country.",
"i'm not starting my lab placement until may, but",
"i happen to work in the same building as his",
"team, so my supervisor-to-be thought it would be",
"a good idea for me to attend their weekly",
"meetings if i was available.",
"i happened to be available this time, so i headed",
"off to my first meeting ever... but first, i",
"decided to check something very quickly with my",
"current supervisor (*mistake #1*).",
"when i checked the time, the weekly meeting had",
"already started 15 min earlier... not wanting to",
"disappoint my supervisor-to-be, i still decided",
"to go. or at least check if it had already",
"started/finished.",
"i should mention that when my supervisor-to-be",
"said \"we meet every week\" i understood \"we\"=",
"himself and a phd student (*mistake #2*). oh boy,",
"how wrong was i... i checked his office only to",
"find no one inside. on my way back, i noticed",
"that there were voices coming from a seminar",
"room.",
"bingo! that must be it! that's were they are!",
"the clever side of me says it's too late to join,",
"come back next week... he knows you are busy,",
"after all.",
"as i started making my way back, my suddenly",
"adventurous self convinces me that hey, maybe the",
"meeting is supposed to be 1 hour long, who",
"knows... you might not be *that* late...",
"after 2 minutes of awkward hesitation in front of",
"the room, i built up as much courage as i could",
"and opened that door (*mistake #3*), only to",
"reveal a selection of very important people",
"around a table, the whole meeting being chaired",
"by prof n.",
"*fuck, what have i done?! fuck fuck fuck*",
"-\"errmm... i'm sorry and... i'm sorry for being",
"late and interrupting...ermm i...\" *nervously",
"lowers head while still standing at the door*",
"professor n. stares at me with a face similar to",
"the one in the banner of /r/cringe and asks",
"\"ok... who are you?!\"",
"my cringe-o-meter was off the roof at this point.",
"my supervisor-to-be tries to save the day by",
"informing prof n. of my oh-so-insignificant",
"identity, which is followed by a friendly \"hi,",
"i'm prof n\" and a handshake. even though it was",
"an awkward-as-fuck handshake (and i was still",
"unable to speak intelligible words), i thought",
"everything was done... end of the cringe.",
"however i decided to seal this embarrassing",
"masterpiece: **i headed towards my seat by",
"walking between prof n's and someone else's legs",
"and the table [like",
"this](http://i.imgur.com/kxvmuiv.jpg).**",
"*(mistake #4*)",
"as i sat, my insides cringed furiously and the",
"meeting ended almost immediately.",
"i'm still cringing. can't wait until next week...",
"ps: if you happened to be at that meeting and are",
"reading this: i'm so, so sorry for being so",
"socially inept... i fell on my head when i was 2",
"years old."
] |
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] |
meetings if i was available. lowers head while still standing at the door*
|
23 | 15 | 0.67 | 23 |
last night i packed up my headphones in my backpack for classes the next day, as i always forget them at home and sit on campus in silence. well, life planned otherwise. i did bring them with me, but upon moving them to my pocket they fell on the ground in the case they came in (note: they are meelectronic a151. if you are an audiofile, i recommend these buds). i turn around to retrieve them, and they were gone.
at least if i shit myself the story would be worth karma on here....at least thats how i've seen it work
|
packed headphones the night prior so i had them on campus for classes, lost them.
|
planning ahead.
|
[
"last night i packed up my headphones in my",
"backpack for classes the next day, as i always",
"forget them at home and sit on campus in silence.",
"well, life planned otherwise. i did bring them",
"with me, but upon moving them to my pocket they",
"fell on the ground in the case they came in",
"(note: they are meelectronic a151. if you are an",
"audiofile, i recommend these buds). i turn around",
"to retrieve them, and they were gone.",
"at least if i shit myself the story would be",
"worth karma on here....at least thats how i've",
"seen it work"
] |
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backpack for classes the next day, as i always forget them at home and sit on campus in silence.
|
43 | 39 | 0.83 | 43 |
okay...my so and i are into *some* kinky stuff. i more than he. but, tonight he wanted his kinkiest fetish - metal thermometer in the ol' pee-hole.
i don't mind this at all - in fact i love pleasuring him in this way. it's the one way that i can be the dominant one!
well, tonight i (and he) had had a few *too* many drinks when we started sexy time...but he was feeling kinkier than he had in awhile, so i played into it too far, which is a big no-no; i should have known better.
i'm giving him one of my patented and groovy one-handy's and he moans in the fashion that i know it's my turn to help him - thermo-style. i reach into the bedside drawer, retrieve it, and start getting him harder for it. well, get ready...
he's ready. perfect hard. i take his dick and slide the thermometer in way too fast and way too aggressively...over, and over again. due to both of our intoxication levels, i couldn't read his pain and he couldn't read my pleasure...leading up to a 43 year old man screaming like a 16 year old girl...and not in a fun way.
|
hurt my man's dick-hole cuz we were too drunk to enjoy a metal rod in his shaft.
|
being too aggressive with my so's penis...thermometer-style
|
[
"okay...my so and i are into *some* kinky stuff. i",
"more than he. but, tonight he wanted his kinkiest",
"fetish - metal thermometer in the ol' pee-hole.",
"i don't mind this at all - in fact i love",
"pleasuring him in this way. it's the one way that",
"i can be the dominant one!",
"well, tonight i (and he) had had a few *too* many",
"drinks when we started sexy time...but he was",
"feeling kinkier than he had in awhile, so i",
"played into it too far, which is a big no-no; i",
"should have known better.",
"i'm giving him one of my patented and groovy",
"one-handy's and he moans in the fashion that i",
"know it's my turn to help him - thermo-style. i",
"reach into the bedside drawer, retrieve it, and",
"start getting him harder for it. well, get",
"ready...",
"he's ready. perfect hard. i take his dick and",
"slide the thermometer in way too fast and way too",
"aggressively...over, and over again. due to both",
"of our intoxication levels, i couldn't read his",
"pain and he couldn't read my pleasure...leading",
"up to a 43 year old man screaming like a 16 year",
"old girl...and not in a fun way."
] |
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] |
fetish - metal thermometer in the ol' pee-hole. know it's my turn to help him - thermo-style. i
|
69 | 9 | 0.91 | 69 |
background information - i'm seventeen, i play violin in a youth orchestra in the uk and this happened two or three months ago, i don't know why i haven't shared it yet.
so i was alone one day for quite a few hours, and i was left to cook my own dinner. now, i'm lazy, even for a seventeen year old, so i just got a large can of sweetcorn, a spoon, added salt and spent the afternoon slowly eating it whilst playing a bunch of snes games. living the fucking life.
the day after, i had to be up at four am to catch a coach to birmingham to play in a concert, along with several other youth orchestras from around the country. now, at this point, i hadn't pooped for something like eleven hours after eating the corn, plus at least another 3 or 4 hours before i ate the corn, but i was running late so i had to pinch it back and soldier on to catch the coach.
come 6am, i'm on the coach, and i'm a fucking wreck. i had pins and needles all over, tunnel vision, my hands were shaking, i was borderline delirious, i needed a shit that badly. unless you've been in the same situation i was in, you might think i'm exaggerating, but i'm sure some of you reading this will know the sheer pain of not being able to go poo for hours. mercifully, the coach pulled over for petrol eventually and i had the most relieving dump ever. i thought that was the end of my problems, but no. oh noooo.
literally minutes before we're meant to go on stage and the feeling comes back but oh so much worse. the toilets were too far away; i couldn't make a run for it, we could have been called on at any moment. so i sit there, on stage, for 20 minutes, battling through symphonies, tears in my eyes, trying so hard not to cack myself in front of all these people. there were photographers from the classic fm website present, britain's top classical music radio station. the only one i'm in i'm wincing. eventually, we get off stage and i go poo. the only damage to my underwear was a single piece of corn.
|
ate loads of corn, nearly shit myself on stage, didn't, still counting my blessings today.
|
eating a large can of sweetcorn and almost shitting myself on stage in front of a few hundred people
|
[
"background information - i'm seventeen, i play",
"violin in a youth orchestra in the uk and this",
"happened two or three months ago, i don't know",
"why i haven't shared it yet.",
"so i was alone one day for quite a few hours, and",
"i was left to cook my own dinner. now, i'm lazy,",
"even for a seventeen year old, so i just got a",
"large can of sweetcorn, a spoon, added salt and",
"spent the afternoon slowly eating it whilst",
"playing a bunch of snes games. living the fucking",
"life.",
"the day after, i had to be up at four am to catch",
"a coach to birmingham to play in a concert, along",
"with several other youth orchestras from around",
"the country. now, at this point, i hadn't pooped",
"for something like eleven hours after eating the",
"corn, plus at least another 3 or 4 hours before i",
"ate the corn, but i was running late so i had to",
"pinch it back and soldier on to catch the coach.",
"come 6am, i'm on the coach, and i'm a fucking",
"wreck. i had pins and needles all over, tunnel",
"vision, my hands were shaking, i was borderline",
"delirious, i needed a shit that badly. unless",
"you've been in the same situation i was in, you",
"might think i'm exaggerating, but i'm sure some",
"of you reading this will know the sheer pain of",
"not being able to go poo for hours. mercifully,",
"the coach pulled over for petrol eventually and i",
"had the most relieving dump ever. i thought that",
"was the end of my problems, but no. oh noooo.",
"literally minutes before we're meant to go on",
"stage and the feeling comes back but oh so much",
"worse. the toilets were too far away; i couldn't",
"make a run for it, we could have been called on",
"at any moment. so i sit there, on stage, for 20",
"minutes, battling through symphonies, tears in my",
"eyes, trying so hard not to cack myself in front",
"of all these people. there were photographers",
"from the classic fm website present, britain's",
"top classical music radio station. the only one",
"i'm in i'm wincing. eventually, we get off stage",
"and i go poo. the only damage to my underwear was",
"a single piece of corn."
] |
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at any moment. so i sit there, on stage, for 20 a single piece of corn.
|
607 | 97 | 0.86 | 607 |
i've lurked around tifu for a while and it only dawned on me now that this might be a good story to share. my family gets a good laugh out of it nowadays, so here you guys go:
when i was about five my parents (both far from religious) thought it'd be good to bring my younger sister and me to church just to see if we liked it. it was one of those churches where they do a fair bit of singing and put their hands up in the air. i'm getting a bit confused as to why people are putting their hands up, so i ask my dad. he doesn't know why, but he tells me that they're trying to get closer to god. now at this point i had always thought that god was some magical ruler that lived up in the clouds, so hearing about these people trying to physically reach him seemed ridiculous. they were obviously never going to be able to reach him when they couldn't even reach the ceiling. i needed to help these people. so, that's about when i started running around the church screaming "put down your hands, you're never going to reach god!" over and over and over again. my parents were pretty embarrassed, a few people looked at me like i was the antichrist, my dad broke out into uncontrollable laughter, and we never went to church again. i might have been a bit of a handful when i was a kid.
i'll add that neither i nor anyone else in my immediate family have anything against religious folk, this was just me being an idiot child that wanted to help out.
|
*when i was five i ran around a church screaming, "put down your hands, you're never going to reach god" because i wanted to help.*
|
16 years ago and accidentally denounced god in a church
|
[
"i've lurked around tifu for a while and it only",
"dawned on me now that this might be a good story",
"to share. my family gets a good laugh out of it",
"nowadays, so here you guys go:",
"when i was about five my parents (both far from",
"religious) thought it'd be good to bring my",
"younger sister and me to church just to see if we",
"liked it. it was one of those churches where they",
"do a fair bit of singing and put their hands up",
"in the air. i'm getting a bit confused as to why",
"people are putting their hands up, so i ask my",
"dad. he doesn't know why, but he tells me that",
"they're trying to get closer to god. now at this",
"point i had always thought that god was some",
"magical ruler that lived up in the clouds, so",
"hearing about these people trying to physically",
"reach him seemed ridiculous. they were obviously",
"never going to be able to reach him when they",
"couldn't even reach the ceiling. i needed to",
"help these people. so, that's about when i",
"started running around the church screaming \"put",
"down your hands, you're never going to reach",
"god!\" over and over and over again. my parents",
"were pretty embarrassed, a few people looked at",
"me like i was the antichrist, my dad broke out",
"into uncontrollable laughter, and we never went",
"to church again. i might have been a bit of a",
"handful when i was a kid.",
"i'll add that neither i nor anyone else in my",
"immediate family have anything against religious",
"folk, this was just me being an idiot child that",
"wanted to help out."
] |
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down your hands, you're never going to reach handful when i was a kid. wanted to help out.
|
74 | 7 | 0.92 | 74 |
this happened last weekend, but i keep forgetting this sub exists. i need to come here more often.
my wife had just finished feeding our son and needed me to hold him for a bit. my brain didn't process that "just ate" = "warning : splash zone" and i did what i usually do when this little 6-month old is smiling at me - i laughed, he laughed, i lifted him upwards, tilting him flat and declared "superman!!!"
this is the most i've seem him puke to date. i'm still amazed that he kept laughing through the whole thing.
none of it got on him, or the furniture, or the floor. the entirety of the eruption was on myself. up the nose, in my ear, a bit in my mouth, all over the shirt, and the beard.... oh god, the beard...
i wouldn't say that my beard is "magnificent," but i would say that it rivals many of my friends' beards. think of it like a red fro on my chin. super absorbent. i could smell it for the rest of the day and most of the next.
**
|
** - til beards can hold amazing amounts of baby vomit.
|
playing "superman" right after lunch
|
[
"this happened last weekend, but i keep forgetting",
"this sub exists. i need to come here more often.",
"my wife had just finished feeding our son and",
"needed me to hold him for a bit. my brain didn't",
"process that \"just ate\" = \"warning : splash zone\"",
"and i did what i usually do when this little",
"6-month old is smiling at me - i laughed, he",
"laughed, i lifted him upwards, tilting him flat",
"and declared \"superman!!!\"",
"this is the most i've seem him puke to date. i'm",
"still amazed that he kept laughing through the",
"whole thing.",
"none of it got on him, or the furniture, or the",
"floor. the entirety of the eruption was on",
"myself. up the nose, in my ear, a bit in my",
"mouth, all over the shirt, and the beard.... oh",
"god, the beard...",
"i wouldn't say that my beard is \"magnificent,\"",
"but i would say that it rivals many of my",
"friends' beards. think of it like a red fro on",
"my chin. super absorbent. i could smell it for",
"the rest of the day and most of the next.",
"**"
] |
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friends' beards. think of it like a red fro on
|
41 | 9 | 0.84 | 41 |
this is actually a former friend that did this.
saw an ask science post today that reminded me of this story. happened several years ago but figured it's good to share as it teaches a good lesson.
http://www.reddit.com/r/askscience/comments/1m9vrn/are_there_real_physical_dangers_in_eating/
the guy that runs our local nerd store has a tendency to get on obsessive kicks. it started with energy drinks - to support his energy drink habit, he would sell energy drinks so he could get them cheap. this evolved into hand sanitizer, cigars, and eventually a variety of hot sauces. he offered a very wide variety of sauces, nearly none of which i have ever seen elsewhere.
one day one of the regulars comes in (let's call him dummy) and sees the sauces. he immediately starts bragging about how he can handle any sauce and how he's drunk several different kinds before. no one eggs him on, just kind of a "cool story bro" type situation with this guy, as he does this a lot. he won't let it go though and keeps insisting that he could drink the hottest sauce in the store.
on top of one of the display cases was the hottest sauce that the store had. it was in a glass skull and sealed with wax. the container was about 2 oz. and came with an eye dropper. directions said to use one drop per gallon of whatever liquid to which it was being added. there was a warning label that rivals those on some industrial machinery and a scoville rating over 1 million. dummy decides he is going to drink the whole thing.
lucky for dummy we manage to talk him down from actually drinking the stuff and convince him to just use the eye dropper. within a few seconds there are tears running down his face, his eyes are red and he's making very strange noises. the guy chokes the stuff down and recovers a little, but his lips and tongue both start swelling pretty bad. he ended up leaving pretty quickly after that and we didn't hear from him for a couple weeks.
we heard a little while later that he had developed huge blisters on his tongue and throat and he had trouble eating for a while. i don't think i ever actually saw the guy again after the incident. there were reports that he ended up in the hospital for a while because he couldn't breath from the damage to his throat, but i don't know if that part is true.
**
edit : pretty sure it was blair's 3am reserve. same price too.
http://www.firehotsauces.com/hs0167.html
|
** - guy wanted to drink fire, got burned.
|
capsacin is nasty stuff
|
[
"this is actually a former friend that did this.",
"saw an ask science post today that reminded me of",
"this story. happened several years ago but",
"figured it's good to share as it teaches a good",
"lesson.",
"http://www.reddit.com/r/askscience/comments/1m9vr",
"n/are_there_real_physical_dangers_in_eating/",
"the guy that runs our local nerd store has a",
"tendency to get on obsessive kicks. it started",
"with energy drinks - to support his energy drink",
"habit, he would sell energy drinks so he could",
"get them cheap. this evolved into hand",
"sanitizer, cigars, and eventually a variety of",
"hot sauces. he offered a very wide variety of",
"sauces, nearly none of which i have ever seen",
"elsewhere.",
"one day one of the regulars comes in (let's call",
"him dummy) and sees the sauces. he immediately",
"starts bragging about how he can handle any sauce",
"and how he's drunk several different kinds",
"before. no one eggs him on, just kind of a \"cool",
"story bro\" type situation with this guy, as he",
"does this a lot. he won't let it go though and",
"keeps insisting that he could drink the hottest",
"sauce in the store.",
"on top of one of the display cases was the",
"hottest sauce that the store had. it was in a",
"glass skull and sealed with wax. the container",
"was about 2 oz. and came with an eye dropper.",
"directions said to use one drop per gallon of",
"whatever liquid to which it was being added.",
"there was a warning label that rivals those on",
"some industrial machinery and a scoville rating",
"over 1 million. dummy decides he is going to",
"drink the whole thing.",
"lucky for dummy we manage to talk him down from",
"actually drinking the stuff and convince him to",
"just use the eye dropper. within a few seconds",
"there are tears running down his face, his eyes",
"are red and he's making very strange noises. the",
"guy chokes the stuff down and recovers a little,",
"but his lips and tongue both start swelling",
"pretty bad. he ended up leaving pretty quickly",
"after that and we didn't hear from him for a",
"couple weeks.",
"we heard a little while later that he had",
"developed huge blisters on his tongue and throat",
"and he had trouble eating for a while. i don't",
"think i ever actually saw the guy again after the",
"incident. there were reports that he ended up in",
"the hospital for a while because he couldn't",
"breath from the damage to his throat, but i don't",
"know if that part is true.",
"**",
"edit : pretty sure it was blair's 3am reserve.",
"same price too.",
"http://www.firehotsauces.com/hs0167.html"
] |
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with energy drinks - to support his energy drink
|
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