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12 | 18 | 0.7 | 12 |
here's some backstory for you all. my current girlfriend and i are in secret from our school, other than for a few people. she's an actress, and i sing. we both are participating in our school's annual talent show.
so a few days ago, we were at rehearsal. we're all sitting through the bad acts, waiting for our own performances, when my mother calls. she asks me to walk down to the other building to grab a book my little brother left in his locker.
so, eager to spend a few minutes alone with my girlfriend (no, not like *that*, it's just that hiding a relationship is hard), i asked her if she'd walk down with me. it would only take 5 minutes to walk down and back up, i said.
so, my school has a uniform, and for rehearsal, i had packed clothes into which i could change. of course, i forgot shoes. unwilling to wear my school (uncomfortable) shoes, and very willing to seize the opportunity to be barefoot, i went shoe-less that evening. but back to the story.
i'm in a very good mood, maybe because i'm with this girl, so i'm skipping down the sidewalk and down the stairs to our building. i vaguely remember stubbing my toe and thinking nothing of it.
we reach the building, and try the side door: locked. front door: locked. other side door: unlocked. so we walk in, parade down the first hallway, cross into another, and walk halfway down the third when i looked down and saw the blood. i was practically standing in a pool of blood. okay, mild hyperbole, but i was bleeding pretty profusely. and, even worse, i had trailed blood all across the carpet and tile.
i stop my girlfriend, show her the blood, and start hopping to the locker rooms to rinse off my toe and grab some paper towels. remember, the building is totally empty, seeing as it's eight o'clock or so. so i grab wet paper towels and take care of wrapping up my foot properly (and putting on shoes i'd left in the locker room). then, we get to cleaning all the blood spots.
alone, we spend about ten-fifteen minutes cleaning up each individual toe-shaped blood print from the carpet. then, once satisfied with our job (and after grabbing my brother's darned book), we walk outside. i figure this is fate, even though i don't really believe in fate. i rarely get alone time with her, and we'd never kissed. if i didn't seize this opportunity now, i knew i'd regret it.
so halfway up the few flights of steps outside, i stop and hug her under the pretext of needing to catch my breath, since i was running in joy. after i caught my breath a few moments later, i tilted my head up and whispered,
"i'm going to regret so much tonight if i don't do this...," and i'm going to kiss her, but her face was so close i just got so scared. keep in mind i'm an awkward fucking penguin and have never kissed anyone. then i bury my face in her chest as she said,
"what, not kissing me?" and i'm just like, "i'm scared," giggling in the night. then i say,
"no regrets," and i look up, and she's already looking up at me, and then it just happened.
i haven't gotten to the fuck-up part, yet. after the peck, we walked back up to the original building. at this point, our teacher claimed we were "eaten by wolves" and our friend was out looking for us. we realized what it looked like. i quickly pulled out my foot and showed anyone who questioned what we were doing outside, in the darkness, for 20 minutes, the bloody toe. but wait. there's more.
the next day, as i'm walking from class to class, i see a fucking *trail of blood* from one building to the other. i see middle school girls pointing and starting in fear. i hear people asking,
"whose blood is that!?"
i, in response, poker face. i now have to face the trail of blood every time i walk to a class. the trail of shame. my fucking lord. tifu.
|
i stubbed my toe in the darkness and bled all over my school, and now i have to pretend it's not my blood every time i walk from class to class.
|
trailing blood all down my new school's sidewalk
|
[
"here's some backstory for you all. my current",
"girlfriend and i are in secret from our school,",
"other than for a few people. she's an actress,",
"and i sing. we both are participating in our",
"school's annual talent show.",
"so a few days ago, we were at rehearsal. we're",
"all sitting through the bad acts, waiting for our",
"own performances, when my mother calls. she asks",
"me to walk down to the other building to grab a",
"book my little brother left in his locker.",
"so, eager to spend a few minutes alone with my",
"girlfriend (no, not like *that*, it's just that",
"hiding a relationship is hard), i asked her if",
"she'd walk down with me. it would only take 5",
"minutes to walk down and back up, i said.",
"so, my school has a uniform, and for rehearsal, i",
"had packed clothes into which i could change. of",
"course, i forgot shoes. unwilling to wear my",
"school (uncomfortable) shoes, and very willing to",
"seize the opportunity to be barefoot, i went",
"shoe-less that evening. but back to the story.",
"i'm in a very good mood, maybe because i'm with",
"this girl, so i'm skipping down the sidewalk and",
"down the stairs to our building. i vaguely",
"remember stubbing my toe and thinking nothing of",
"it.",
"we reach the building, and try the side door:",
"locked. front door: locked. other side door:",
"unlocked. so we walk in, parade down the first",
"hallway, cross into another, and walk halfway",
"down the third when i looked down and saw the",
"blood. i was practically standing in a pool of",
"blood. okay, mild hyperbole, but i was bleeding",
"pretty profusely. and, even worse, i had trailed",
"blood all across the carpet and tile.",
"i stop my girlfriend, show her the blood, and",
"start hopping to the locker rooms to rinse off my",
"toe and grab some paper towels. remember, the",
"building is totally empty, seeing as it's eight",
"o'clock or so. so i grab wet paper towels and",
"take care of wrapping up my foot properly (and",
"putting on shoes i'd left in the locker room).",
"then, we get to cleaning all the blood spots.",
"alone, we spend about ten-fifteen minutes",
"cleaning up each individual toe-shaped blood",
"print from the carpet. then, once satisfied with",
"our job (and after grabbing my brother's darned",
"book), we walk outside. i figure this is fate,",
"even though i don't really believe in fate. i",
"rarely get alone time with her, and we'd never",
"kissed. if i didn't seize this opportunity now, i",
"knew i'd regret it.",
"so halfway up the few flights of steps outside, i",
"stop and hug her under the pretext of needing to",
"catch my breath, since i was running in joy.",
"after i caught my breath a few moments later, i",
"tilted my head up and whispered,",
"\"i'm going to regret so much tonight if i",
"don't do this...,\" and i'm going to kiss her, but",
"her face was so close i just got so scared. keep",
"in mind i'm an awkward fucking penguin and have",
"never kissed anyone. then i bury my face in her",
"chest as she said,",
"\"what, not kissing me?\" and i'm just like,",
"\"i'm scared,\" giggling in the night. then i say,",
"\"no regrets,\" and i look up, and she's already",
"looking up at me, and then it just happened.",
"i haven't gotten to the fuck-up part, yet. after",
"the peck, we walked back up to the original",
"building. at this point, our teacher claimed we",
"were \"eaten by wolves\" and our friend was out",
"looking for us. we realized what it looked like.",
"i quickly pulled out my foot and showed anyone",
"who questioned what we were doing outside, in the",
"darkness, for 20 minutes, the bloody toe. but",
"wait. there's more.",
"the next day, as i'm walking from class to class,",
"i see a fucking *trail of blood* from one",
"building to the other. i see middle school girls",
"pointing and starting in fear. i hear people",
"asking,",
"\"whose blood is that!?\"",
"i, in response, poker face. i now have to face",
"the trail of blood every time i walk to a class.",
"the trail of shame. my fucking lord. tifu."
] |
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remember stubbing my toe and thinking nothing of i, in response, poker face. i now have to face the trail of blood every time i walk to a class.
|
10 | 19 | 0.73 | 10 |
edit: lending *my* phone. sorry.
i'm in college. yesterday in art class there were some high school girls talking with the professor. they were kind of good looking. so, as the dumb man that i am, i texted a friend telling him about these girls with the meme picture "dat ass" attached.
i think you guys know where this is going.
today she had an hour without class and she was going to wait for me so we could go to my place and watch a movie. she asked me for my phone, so that she wouldn't get bored. her phone is a nokia. again, as the dumb man that i am, i gave it to her. we jokingly agreed that she would not look at my messages. at this point i didn't even remember about those messages.
well, she made a drama about it after class. saying that she didn't want to be my girlfriend anymore. i tried to talk her...when suddenly, i don't know why the fuck i did it, but i let out an "i love you". we've been together for 3 months. this apparently didn't help. at all. she told me to go fuck myself.
i really care about this girl, after all we've shared together, i can actually say that i love her, and i don't want to lose her over this stupidity of mine.
|
girlfriend saw messages saying that i was checking some girls' ass, i said i loved her, was told to go fuck myself.
|
lending me phone to my girlfriend.
|
[
"edit: lending *my* phone. sorry.",
"i'm in college. yesterday in art class there were",
"some high school girls talking with the",
"professor. they were kind of good looking. so, as",
"the dumb man that i am, i texted a friend telling",
"him about these girls with the meme picture \"dat",
"ass\" attached.",
"i think you guys know where this is going.",
"today she had an hour without class and she was",
"going to wait for me so we could go to my place",
"and watch a movie. she asked me for my phone, so",
"that she wouldn't get bored. her phone is a",
"nokia. again, as the dumb man that i am, i gave",
"it to her. we jokingly agreed that she would not",
"look at my messages. at this point i didn't even",
"remember about those messages.",
"well, she made a drama about it after class.",
"saying that she didn't want to be my girlfriend",
"anymore. i tried to talk her...when suddenly, i",
"don't know why the fuck i did it, but i let out",
"an \"i love you\". we've been together for 3",
"months. this apparently didn't help. at all. she",
"told me to go fuck myself.",
"i really care about this girl, after all we've",
"shared together, i can actually say that i love",
"her, and i don't want to lose her over this",
"stupidity of mine."
] |
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ass" attached. saying that she didn't want to be my girlfriend told me to go fuck myself.
|
66 | 6 | 0.94 | 66 |
i'm italian, yet the whitest kid in my family. i discovered awhile back that i never sunburn, no matter what. i also don't tan very easily either. i would go with friends to outside festivals or concerts without sunscreen on, and by the end my friends would be all burnt and i'd be completely fine. i did this for about 2 years, that is until i was diagnosed with lupus. luckily it's not the deadly kind, and it's only present on parts of my skin (not systemic). however, i'm basically allergic to the sun. for the past 2 years i've essentially been making my body destroy & repair itself repeatedly. i was dumb...not sure when i'll experience the repercussions for all that but it's probably gonna suck. remember kids, if you have a unique physical trait, it may just be a deadly disease. also wear sunscreen and don't be a ginger or you're gonna burn.
|
exploited my inability to get sunburns, turned out i was "allergic" to the sun and was destroying my body.
|
showing off for the past 2 years
|
[
"i'm italian, yet the whitest kid in my family. i",
"discovered awhile back that i never sunburn, no",
"matter what. i also don't tan very easily either.",
"i would go with friends to outside festivals or",
"concerts without sunscreen on, and by the end my",
"friends would be all burnt and i'd be completely",
"fine. i did this for about 2 years, that is until",
"i was diagnosed with lupus. luckily it's not the",
"deadly kind, and it's only present on parts of my",
"skin (not systemic). however, i'm basically",
"allergic to the sun. for the past 2 years i've",
"essentially been making my body destroy & repair",
"itself repeatedly. i was dumb...not sure when",
"i'll experience the repercussions for all that",
"but it's probably gonna suck. remember kids, if",
"you have a unique physical trait, it may just be",
"a deadly disease. also wear sunscreen and don't",
"be a ginger or you're gonna burn."
] |
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allergic to the sun. for the past 2 years i've essentially been making my body destroy & repair itself repeatedly. i was dumb...not sure when
|
67 | 17 | 0.77 | 67 |
so there i was, at a gathering with family members, and other grown folk. i'm the family member people don't know exist; i moved away after graduation and only come home for dire situations. i'm 25 years' old and my parent's still frown upon swearing in front of them. we're all talking and my step-dad says, he's surprised i didn't add salt to my sam adams' the other night at dinner. naturally i'm in my element, he's talking beer, i don't have to think about why i'm there, and then the word vomit of six years not surrounded by family happened, i snapped a reply, "you don't fuck with perfection!" there's a slight hiccup, and my setting hits in, i'm in the house of the lord, in front of my parents, and i can feel every single eye on me. naturally, as with any inappropriate joke, i ran with it.
|
i said fuck, and was struck by lightning.
|
dropping the f bomb in a church.
|
[
"so there i was, at a gathering with family",
"members, and other grown folk. i'm the family",
"member people don't know exist; i moved away",
"after graduation and only come home for dire",
"situations. i'm 25 years' old and my parent's",
"still frown upon swearing in front of them. we're",
"all talking and my step-dad says, he's surprised",
"i didn't add salt to my sam adams' the other",
"night at dinner. naturally i'm in my element,",
"he's talking beer, i don't have to think about",
"why i'm there, and then the word vomit of six",
"years not surrounded by family happened, i",
"snapped a reply, \"you don't fuck with",
"perfection!\" there's a slight hiccup, and my",
"setting hits in, i'm in the house of the lord, in",
"front of my parents, and i can feel every single",
"eye on me. naturally, as with any inappropriate",
"joke, i ran with it."
] |
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years not surrounded by family happened, i
|
347 | 39 | 0.92 | 347 |
alright so i'm on vacation in florida and i'm staying in my uncles apartment which coincidentally is right next to a nursing home. i just got this new bluetooth speaker and i'm psyched to try it out. so i get everything set up, i go on my phone and click the nearest device and i connect successfully. i now open pandora and click on my lonely island radio (the last thing i was listening to) to find "3 way" (2 guys talking about have a 3 way and how it isn't gay at all). the sound didn't come out of my speakers so i unplugged them and after a few minutes i realized what had happened..i had connected to the wrong bluetooth and had blasted "3 way" on the overhead speaker of a nursing home, with about 20-30 seniors. glad i'm leaving florida today.
|
blasted inappropriate music through a nursing room
|
blasting "3 way" in a nursing home...
|
[
"alright so i'm on vacation in florida and i'm",
"staying in my uncles apartment which",
"coincidentally is right next to a nursing home. i",
"just got this new bluetooth speaker and i'm",
"psyched to try it out. so i get everything set",
"up, i go on my phone and click the nearest device",
"and i connect successfully. i now open pandora",
"and click on my lonely island radio (the last",
"thing i was listening to) to find \"3 way\" (2 guys",
"talking about have a 3 way and how it isn't gay",
"at all). the sound didn't come out of my speakers",
"so i unplugged them and after a few minutes i",
"realized what had happened..i had connected to",
"the wrong bluetooth and had blasted \"3 way\" on",
"the overhead speaker of a nursing home, with",
"about 20-30 seniors. glad i'm leaving florida",
"today."
] |
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the overhead speaker of a nursing home, with
|
8 | 7 | 0.7 | 8 |
and i didn't shit myself, but my stomach felt incredibly bad and i got the hershey® squirts™. i still feel a little on edge,
|
don't reset the counter.
|
me and a friend went to deny's and ate a lot, got home and trusted a fart...
|
[
"and i didn't shit myself, but my stomach felt",
"incredibly bad and i got the hershey® squirts™. i",
"still feel a little on edge,"
] |
[
0,
1,
0
] |
incredibly bad and i got the hershey® squirts™. i
|
576 | 194 | 0.94 | 576 |
so over the past few days i have had a building stomach ache which i thought was just gas etc. it was mild discomfort really, nothing to worry about. or so i thought.
i had a date last night, it went swimmingly, even though my stomach hurt. i had another date scheduled for tonight, and as my stomach hurt more and more i chose to warn her that plans may change.
i went out to lunch with the girl i had been with last night, indian food, which is pretty ballin, and tasty as shit. things went well, aside from some gurglings in my midsection. 'gas' i thought, nbd. unfortunately after lunch on my way back to work, and thankfully after saying goodbye to my lunchdate, i try to relieve some of the pressure by taking a much needed fart. instead of relief i realized in horror that a solid glop of liquid shit had come out. i immediately half stand up in my truck, as i am wearing my overcoat, i pull it up, sit back down thinking i had saved it, then remembered my truck seats are fabric. in desperation i pull over a gift bag i have in my truck from transporting christmas presents, pull the gift out (it really was nicely wrapped) and shove the bag under my ass praying the cause of the putrid smell in my truck hadnt yet seeped through.
i immediately begin gunning my truck back to my apartment, about five minutes away from where i work (lucky), swing into the lot, ever feeling the shit keep dripping from my ass, for some reason i couldnt stop the flow, and god my intestines were about to make me scream. as i hurredly park my truck, get out, and remove my overcoat, i can feel gritty feel of the shit particles in my pants chafing, and in horror i look at the bag which had been under me and there is no sign of the liquid. i run upstairs, barge in on my roomate, run into the bathroom, and promptly step in dog piss as he hadnt let his dog out recently.
i sit down on the toilet, without even closing the door, and begin spraying a disgusting, green stream of shite, groaning and bemoaning my fate. i shrug out of the pants as fast and best i could, and figure out where the liquid had gone. almost the entire back of my pants was tinged brown green.
so, here i am, desperately pissing a stream of shit from my ass, looking at my favorite pair of now ruined jeans, and what used to be my lucky boxers, groaning as my intestines try to tear themselves out of my body, and my boss texts me to ask where the fuck i am and inquire why i am not at work. 'sorry, shoe broke, be back in a jiff' is the only response i could think of.
i stand up eventually, nearly puking at the smell, my roommate having booked it when he heard the first splatter, flush the toilet four times, hop in the shower, nearly crying in desperation as i try to rinse myself off from the evil i just experienced. as i wimper and hurriedly find new clothes to rush back to the office, i once again drag my foot through dog piss on the floor.
i get back to my truck, throw the bag (which smells of the vile, green shit) into a dumpster and make it back to work just in time for my manager to stop at my desk and ask if i had 'fun clowning around during lunch, and please get back to your damn work'.
|
descended into the depths of hell, resurfaced a shaken man.
|
ignoring a stomach ache
|
[
"so over the past few days i have had a building",
"stomach ache which i thought was just gas etc. it",
"was mild discomfort really, nothing to worry",
"about. or so i thought.",
"i had a date last night, it went swimmingly, even",
"though my stomach hurt. i had another date",
"scheduled for tonight, and as my stomach hurt",
"more and more i chose to warn her that plans may",
"change.",
"i went out to lunch with the girl i had been with",
"last night, indian food, which is pretty ballin,",
"and tasty as shit. things went well, aside from",
"some gurglings in my midsection. 'gas' i thought,",
"nbd. unfortunately after lunch on my way back to",
"work, and thankfully after saying goodbye to my",
"lunchdate, i try to relieve some of the pressure",
"by taking a much needed fart. instead of relief i",
"realized in horror that a solid glop of liquid",
"shit had come out. i immediately half stand up in",
"my truck, as i am wearing my overcoat, i pull it",
"up, sit back down thinking i had saved it, then",
"remembered my truck seats are fabric. in",
"desperation i pull over a gift bag i have in my",
"truck from transporting christmas presents, pull",
"the gift out (it really was nicely wrapped) and",
"shove the bag under my ass praying the cause of",
"the putrid smell in my truck hadnt yet seeped",
"through.",
"i immediately begin gunning my truck back to my",
"apartment, about five minutes away from where i",
"work (lucky), swing into the lot, ever feeling",
"the shit keep dripping from my ass, for some",
"reason i couldnt stop the flow, and god my",
"intestines were about to make me scream. as i",
"hurredly park my truck, get out, and remove my",
"overcoat, i can feel gritty feel of the shit",
"particles in my pants chafing, and in horror i",
"look at the bag which had been under me and there",
"is no sign of the liquid. i run upstairs, barge",
"in on my roomate, run into the bathroom, and",
"promptly step in dog piss as he hadnt let his dog",
"out recently.",
"i sit down on the toilet, without even closing",
"the door, and begin spraying a disgusting, green",
"stream of shite, groaning and bemoaning my fate.",
"i shrug out of the pants as fast and best i",
"could, and figure out where the liquid had gone.",
"almost the entire back of my pants was tinged",
"brown green.",
"so, here i am, desperately pissing a stream of",
"shit from my ass, looking at my favorite pair of",
"now ruined jeans, and what used to be my lucky",
"boxers, groaning as my intestines try to tear",
"themselves out of my body, and my boss texts me",
"to ask where the fuck i am and inquire why i am",
"not at work. 'sorry, shoe broke, be back in a",
"jiff' is the only response i could think of.",
"i stand up eventually, nearly puking at the",
"smell, my roommate having booked it when he heard",
"the first splatter, flush the toilet four times,",
"hop in the shower, nearly crying in desperation",
"as i try to rinse myself off from the evil i just",
"experienced. as i wimper and hurriedly find new",
"clothes to rush back to the office, i once again",
"drag my foot through dog piss on the floor.",
"i get back to my truck, throw the bag (which",
"smells of the vile, green shit) into a dumpster",
"and make it back to work just in time for my",
"manager to stop at my desk and ask if i had 'fun",
"clowning around during lunch, and please get back",
"to your damn work'."
] |
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smells of the vile, green shit) into a dumpster
|
78 | 51 | 0.91 | 78 |
we're staying at this holiday house with her family. after getting her off, she wants to stop as she's uncomfortable after hearing family moving about upstairs, which my hour-engorged guy-brain isn't happy about. after waiting for her to go to sleep (she's a very deep sleeper), i whip out the computer and go to find something to fap to since i feel like doing it to a sleeping person seems too creepy, at which point she jumps out of bed crying and goes to sleep with her sister. finally manage to talk to her and the love of my life isn't sure she wants to be in a relationship anymore.
e: lol title. 8am in the morning for ya. just made her breakfast in bed..
|
starting trolling for porn while gf was asleep (she wasn't).
|
watching porn in front my girlfriend last night
|
[
"we're staying at this holiday house with her",
"family. after getting her off, she wants to stop",
"as she's uncomfortable after hearing family",
"moving about upstairs, which my hour-engorged",
"guy-brain isn't happy about. after waiting for",
"her to go to sleep (she's a very deep sleeper), i",
"whip out the computer and go to find something to",
"fap to since i feel like doing it to a sleeping",
"person seems too creepy, at which point she jumps",
"out of bed crying and goes to sleep with her",
"sister. finally manage to talk to her and the",
"love of my life isn't sure she wants to be in a",
"relationship anymore.",
"e: lol title. 8am in the morning for ya. just",
"made her breakfast in bed.."
] |
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family. after getting her off, she wants to stop guy-brain isn't happy about. after waiting for
|
17 | 7 | 0.82 | 17 |
it's on the verge of being classified as *too* long (i'd say 75cm, give or take a few) and i decided the use the short-tunneled blow dryer instead of the long one with the safety attachment. for some godforsaken reason, the back of this particular blow dryer has a metal mesh-like cap over an insane metal fan (this is where the air is supposed to be sucked into) and this fan goes ridiculously fast and it's really powerful. think: windtunnel. so i'm drying my hair, and you probably know that wet hair is very elastic-y and can stretch pretty damn far, well my hair got sucked into that fan and got grossly stretched out and it ripped a **huge** chunk of hair out and left countless chunks broken and split.
what the fuck. this is not ok. the fuck.
|
my rather long hair was shredded by a devil rotor.
|
my hair.
|
[
"it's on the verge of being classified as *too*",
"long (i'd say 75cm, give or take a few) and i",
"decided the use the short-tunneled blow dryer",
"instead of the long one with the safety",
"attachment. for some godforsaken reason, the back",
"of this particular blow dryer has a metal",
"mesh-like cap over an insane metal fan (this is",
"where the air is supposed to be sucked into) and",
"this fan goes ridiculously fast and it's really",
"powerful. think: windtunnel. so i'm drying my",
"hair, and you probably know that wet hair is very",
"elastic-y and can stretch pretty damn far, well",
"my hair got sucked into that fan and got grossly",
"stretched out and it ripped a **huge** chunk of",
"hair out and left countless chunks broken and",
"split.",
"what the fuck. this is not ok. the fuck."
] |
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my hair got sucked into that fan and got grossly
|
417 | 116 | 0.92 | 417 |
about a week ago, i bought several cans of tomatoes. today, i made my first attempt at homemade salsa. i chopped up three jalapenos and a few hotter peppers and washed my hands.
then i chopped up the garlic and washed my hands.
blended everything up and (you guessed it) washed my hands.
then i washed my hands again.
and again.
a bit later, i had to go to the bathroom. my fingers touched my lady parts. instantly, regret filled my mind. "but wait," i thought, "i washed my hands, like, ten times! everything should be fine!" nope! as soon as i stood up, fiery pain swept through my lady garden.
i needed help. i looked at my boyfriend and said, "i feel like gob" and told him the whole sordid affair. he googled and told me that milk would help extinguish the burning, so i grabbed the rest of the half gallon we had in the fridge, ran to the bathroom and poured ice cold milk on my angry vagina. nothing could have felt worse. burning quickly turned into icy horror as my vag tried to close up and escape.
now i'm out of the shower, and the burning and freezing has subsided, and i'm trying to figure out who i can push the rest of the peppers onto.
edit: yes, latex gloves, i understand.
|
salsa is evil.
|
touching my vagina. [nsfw]
|
[
"about a week ago, i bought several cans of",
"tomatoes. today, i made my first attempt at",
"homemade salsa. i chopped up three jalapenos and",
"a few hotter peppers and washed my hands.",
"then i chopped up the garlic and washed my hands.",
"blended everything up and (you guessed it) washed",
"my hands.",
"then i washed my hands again. \n\nand again.",
"a bit later, i had to go to the bathroom. my",
"fingers touched my lady parts. instantly, regret",
"filled my mind. \"but wait,\" i thought, \"i washed",
"my hands, like, ten times! everything should be",
"fine!\" nope! as soon as i stood up, fiery pain",
"swept through my lady garden.",
"i needed help. i looked at my boyfriend and",
"said, \"i feel like gob\" and told him the whole",
"sordid affair. he googled and told me that milk",
"would help extinguish the burning, so i grabbed",
"the rest of the half gallon we had in the fridge,",
"ran to the bathroom and poured ice cold milk on",
"my angry vagina. nothing could have felt worse.",
"burning quickly turned into icy horror as my vag",
"tried to close up and escape.",
"now i'm out of the shower, and the burning and",
"freezing has subsided, and i'm trying to figure",
"out who i can push the rest of the peppers onto.",
"edit: yes, latex gloves, i understand."
] |
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homemade salsa. i chopped up three jalapenos and
|
36 | 11 | 0.85 | 36 |
i'll start off by giving you a little background. i am 16, and my little sister is 7. she was bored and wanted to go hang out at her friend's house down the street. so i took her there.
when we got there, her friend insisted on showing me his new go kart. so i said sure. we went to his garage, and he showed me his go kart. i asked if i can try it out and he said sure. i rode it around for about a minute and then got off.
then my sister asked if she can try it. i was skeptical at first because she's never driven anything like this. but then i thought, *"it has four wheels. it's not like she's gonna flip it or anything."*
so i told her she can. i showed her all the controls. how to steer, how to go, and how to brake. then i step away and let her go.
she then proceeded to drive straight into a porsche. her friend's dad's porsche. everyone freaked out, and ran inside to tell him. and to make matters worse, they exaggerated a lot and told him the scratch was ***huge*** and she was going ***super fast*** when she crashed into it.
the dad was super nice about it, but i felt guilty as fuck. i said sorry multiple times. and i told my sister to apologize but she never did.
then about 20 minutes later as we were leaving, i told my sister to go say thank you for all the snacks they gave her and for being so cool about everything. but instead of saying thank you, she started crying because she didn't want to go. the crying then turned into screaming and yelling and calling me names. i finally had to carry her out of there because she refused to leave. i kept on apologizing as we were leaving.
i've never felt so fucking stressed out and embarrassed in my entire life.
edit: here is what the go kart looked like: http://images.hayneedle.com/mgen/master:rz058.jpg
here is what the porsche looked like: http://www.seriouswheels.com/pics-2012/nopq/2012-porsche-cayenne-gts-red-static-1-1920x1440.jpg
|
my sister crashed her friend's go kart into his dad's porsche, and didn't say sorry. then as we were leaving, she started to cry and scream because she didn't want to go yet.
|
letting my 7 year old sister crash her friend's go kart into his dad's porsche.
|
[
"i'll start off by giving you a little background.",
"i am 16, and my little sister is 7. she was",
"bored and wanted to go hang out at her friend's",
"house down the street. so i took her there.",
"when we got there, her friend insisted on showing",
"me his new go kart. so i said sure. we went to",
"his garage, and he showed me his go kart. i",
"asked if i can try it out and he said sure. i",
"rode it around for about a minute and then got",
"off.",
"then my sister asked if she can try it. i was",
"skeptical at first because she's never driven",
"anything like this. but then i thought, *\"it has",
"four wheels. it's not like she's gonna flip it or",
"anything.\"*",
"so i told her she can. i showed her all the",
"controls. how to steer, how to go, and how to",
"brake. then i step away and let her go.",
"she then proceeded to drive straight into a",
"porsche. her friend's dad's porsche. everyone",
"freaked out, and ran inside to tell him. and to",
"make matters worse, they exaggerated a lot and",
"told him the scratch was ***huge*** and she was",
"going ***super fast*** when she crashed into it.",
"the dad was super nice about it, but i felt",
"guilty as fuck. i said sorry multiple times. and",
"i told my sister to apologize but she never did.",
"then about 20 minutes later as we were leaving, i",
"told my sister to go say thank you for all the",
"snacks they gave her and for being so cool about",
"everything. but instead of saying thank you, she",
"started crying because she didn't want to go. the",
"crying then turned into screaming and yelling and",
"calling me names. i finally had to carry her out",
"of there because she refused to leave. i kept on",
"apologizing as we were leaving.",
"i've never felt so fucking stressed out and",
"embarrassed in my entire life.",
"edit: here is what the go kart looked like:",
"http://images.hayneedle.com/mgen/master:rz058.jpg",
"here is what the porsche looked like:",
"http://www.seriouswheels.com/pics-2012/nopq/2012-",
"porsche-cayenne-gts-red-static-1-1920x1440.jpg"
] |
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porsche. her friend's dad's porsche. everyone started crying because she didn't want to go. the apologizing as we were leaving.
|
30 | 10 | 0.76 | 30 |
i am 22 years old but have old-fashioned parents. my boyfriend was visiting for this past weekend but was not allowed to stay in my room despite me living away for the past five years and my parents being completely aware that i stay in his room at his apartment when i visit. we were actually just laying in bed redditing but my dog was barking ferociously downstairs so i made the executive decision to close the door to my room so we could hear the tv in the background and continue relaxing while on the internet. my mom comes upstairs and sees my bedroom door closed... immediately assumed we're having sex... immediate bitch session.
|
today, i got bitched at for having sex when i was just innocently redditing in bed with my boyfriend and didn't want to be disturbed by my miniature, annoying dog.
|
closing my bedroom door.
|
[
"i am 22 years old but have old-fashioned parents.",
"my boyfriend was visiting for this past weekend",
"but was not allowed to stay in my room despite me",
"living away for the past five years and my",
"parents being completely aware that i stay in his",
"room at his apartment when i visit. we were",
"actually just laying in bed redditing but my dog",
"was barking ferociously downstairs so i made the",
"executive decision to close the door to my room",
"so we could hear the tv in the background and",
"continue relaxing while on the internet. my mom",
"comes upstairs and sees my bedroom door closed...",
"immediately assumed we're having sex... immediate",
"bitch session."
] |
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my boyfriend was visiting for this past weekend room at his apartment when i visit. we were actually just laying in bed redditing but my dog immediately assumed we're having sex... immediate
|
11 | 8 | 0.68 | 11 |
this lovely story starts out last night with me ignoring the growing pains in my stomach that were supposed to let me know some serious shit was about to go down (pun totally intended). instead of listening to these, i decided to go on with my night and head out to the center of campus to hang out with some friends thinking that if it got worse then i would just leave for a bit, do my business, and come back. however, once i got there the need left so i continued on with my night, went back to my room, and went to bed. today, about an hour ago i decided that i wanted to go hang out in the woods back campus because it was a gorgeous day and i didnt have that much work to do. i get back to one of my favorite spots to sit in, smoke a bowl, and then start to do some reading for school until the need to shit hits me like a ton of bricks. i couldnt walk back to campus, i wouldnt make it because i was a 15 minute walk away from my building. i had to go into the woods in a place no one went. i went as far away from the site i was sitting at as i could before i couldnt go any further and proceeded to have the worst diarrhea of my life. im crouching there in the forest, my asshole leaking like a broken dam. after it stops, i decide i need to look for something to clean myself up with. no leaves are big enough so i waddled back to my back pack and found a sheet of paper with my name on it that was a name tag for one of my classes. i rip it in half but i have to use the side with my name on it. i do my best but its a god damn war zone in there and a half a piece of paper or leaves is simply not gonna cut it. my boxers somehow got covered in diarrhea so i put those and the piece of paper in a plastic bag i found. i packed up my stuff, and started to walk back to campus, dumping my plastic bag in a dumpster along the way. i end up walking by part of the football team going to the locker room, some soccer players, the local high school cross country team, and finally make it back to my room. i hop in the shower before i do anything else and clean the filth off of me. when i get out of the shower, one look in the mirror reveals that, on top of all of this, i look high as hell and i have a meeting to go to in an hour. certainly much more adventure than i was expecting on a day when i didnt have class.
|
poor bowel movement decision the night before leads to terrible diarrhea in the middle of the woods forcing me to clean myself up with a sheet of paper with my name on it.
|
holding in a shit too long
|
[
"this lovely story starts out last night with me",
"ignoring the growing pains in my stomach that",
"were supposed to let me know some serious shit",
"was about to go down (pun totally intended).",
"instead of listening to these, i decided to go on",
"with my night and head out to the center of",
"campus to hang out with some friends thinking",
"that if it got worse then i would just leave for",
"a bit, do my business, and come back. however,",
"once i got there the need left so i continued on",
"with my night, went back to my room, and went to",
"bed. today, about an hour ago i decided that i",
"wanted to go hang out in the woods back campus",
"because it was a gorgeous day and i didnt have",
"that much work to do. i get back to one of my",
"favorite spots to sit in, smoke a bowl, and then",
"start to do some reading for school until the",
"need to shit hits me like a ton of bricks. i",
"couldnt walk back to campus, i wouldnt make it",
"because i was a 15 minute walk away from my",
"building. i had to go into the woods in a place",
"no one went. i went as far away from the site i",
"was sitting at as i could before i couldnt go any",
"further and proceeded to have the worst diarrhea",
"of my life. im crouching there in the forest, my",
"asshole leaking like a broken dam. after it",
"stops, i decide i need to look for something to",
"clean myself up with. no leaves are big enough so",
"i waddled back to my back pack and found a sheet",
"of paper with my name on it that was a name tag",
"for one of my classes. i rip it in half but i",
"have to use the side with my name on it. i do my",
"best but its a god damn war zone in there and a",
"half a piece of paper or leaves is simply not",
"gonna cut it. my boxers somehow got covered in",
"diarrhea so i put those and the piece of paper in",
"a plastic bag i found. i packed up my stuff, and",
"started to walk back to campus, dumping my",
"plastic bag in a dumpster along the way. i end up",
"walking by part of the football team going to the",
"locker room, some soccer players, the local high",
"school cross country team, and finally make it",
"back to my room. i hop in the shower before i do",
"anything else and clean the filth off of me. when",
"i get out of the shower, one look in the mirror",
"reveals that, on top of all of this, i look high",
"as hell and i have a meeting to go to in an hour.",
"certainly much more adventure than i was",
"expecting on a day when i didnt have class."
] |
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wanted to go hang out in the woods back campus clean myself up with. no leaves are big enough so of paper with my name on it that was a name tag
|
37 | 40 | 0.8 | 37 |
running late from work, i asked my 25 year old-college graduate of a cousin if he could watch my kid for an hour until i got home. stupid me, i assumed that even a 12 year old could handle such a task.
i was wrong.
i came home to my 4 year old climbing on the railing of our balcony and the sitter tells me "i think the dog hurt his leg".
i look at the dog and my 5 month old puppy that we have only officially had for 4 damn days (we participate in rescue/foster dogs and only officially adopted him 3 days before) is writhing in pain.
i ask him what happened, to which his response is, "i don't know" and he leaves. i in turn ask my 4 year old son what happened, and he proceeded to tell me that while he (my 4 year old son) was climbing the railing of the balcony, the dog's foot got caught in the chair... he's four nothing made sense.
so after spending all night at the after hours vet and receiving an estimate for $5k, i now have a dog with a broken leg that i can't afford to fix. and i need to find a new sitter.
update: three pins in the femur, a couple sutures & she's home & sedated. now she'll just need to rest for a while http://imgur.com/fkenaq5
http://imgur.com/km298xh
|
tifu by letting an idiot watch my kids and 4 month old puppy, he let the kids climb the balcony and broke my dog's leg. now i am going to have to put the dog to sleep or get rid of him.
|
trusting a 25 year old idiot to watch my kid and dog for an hour
|
[
"running late from work, i asked my 25 year",
"old-college graduate of a cousin if he could",
"watch my kid for an hour until i got home.",
"stupid me, i assumed that even a 12 year old",
"could handle such a task.",
"i was wrong.",
"i came home to my 4 year old climbing on the",
"railing of our balcony and the sitter tells me \"i",
"think the dog hurt his leg\".",
"i look at the dog and my 5 month old puppy that",
"we have only officially had for 4 damn days (we",
"participate in rescue/foster dogs and only",
"officially adopted him 3 days before) is writhing",
"in pain.",
"i ask him what happened, to which his response",
"is, \"i don't know\" and he leaves. i in turn ask",
"my 4 year old son what happened, and he proceeded",
"to tell me that while he (my 4 year old son) was",
"climbing the railing of the balcony, the dog's",
"foot got caught in the chair... he's four nothing",
"made sense.",
"so after spending all night at the after hours",
"vet and receiving an estimate for $5k, i now have",
"a dog with a broken leg that i can't afford to",
"fix. and i need to find a new sitter.",
"update: three pins in the femur, a couple sutures",
"& she's home & sedated. now she'll just need to",
"rest for a while http://imgur.com/fkenaq5",
"http://imgur.com/km298xh"
] |
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i look at the dog and my 5 month old puppy that to tell me that while he (my 4 year old son) was climbing the railing of the balcony, the dog's vet and receiving an estimate for $5k, i now have
|
16 | 1 | 0.67 | 16 |
so tonight one of my friends who i'm going to call brett (by request) because i don't know how he'd feel about having this on reddit, asked if i wanted to hang out and get some ice cream. this was the first time we were meeting in person; i had played dota with him, and we had mutual friends, but we had never spent any time in person together. i was kind of excited/ nervous because i'm not very social and i don't make friends easily.
he comes to my house at around 19:45, and we head off to get ice cream at the dairy queen in my town. it was next to an empty a&p, so i suggested we go to my park so we don't seem completely suspicious sitting in his car, eating ice cream.
we head off to the park, and when we get there i check for signs saying when its closed because i don't want to get in trouble. i don't see any signs so we pull in and park close to the entrance. we decide to sit in the back because the front of his car really has no room or anything. so were just sitting there, talking, getting to know each other, eating some ice cream, when we see car lights flash by us. i think "oh, maybe other people had the same idea as us?". nope. it's the cops.
so brett moves to the front of the car so he doesn't look like a total creeper, and rolls down the window to talk to the officer (female). she asks what we were doing, our names, blah blah blah. however, when she gets to my name, she pauses. my dad has lived in this town his entire life, is very active in the town, even being the president of the town council. woopdefuckingdoo for me.
the officer goes back to her car and tries calling my dad first, but he's asleep, so she tries my mother. but instead of my mother's number, they have my number. so i have an incredibly awkward conversation with the officer, explaining that i'm not in fact my mother, but the person she's had sitting in the parking lot for about 10 minutes. the officer now gets about fifty times more suspicious... great. it also turns out that the park closes at sunset (whoops).
after about 10 more minutes, the sargent shows up and tells us that brett can leave, but i have to go home with the officer. i go to sit in the front seat, but nope! i get the honor of sitting in the back with incredibly hard seats and a cage surrounding me. the officer asks me if i'm hot, and i start thinking does she mean high? drunk? sexy? so i go well... i don't *think* i'm very attractive, but my boyfriend tells me otherwise. i don't think i've ever gotten a stranger look from a person in my entire life. "what the hell are you talking about? i was asking if you were hot, like if you wanted me to open the window or something!" yup. i'm a freak. then she asks me what i was doing at the park. "we got ice cream and decided that an empty parking lot was a suspicious place to hang out, and that the park would be better". another weird look, but she's smiling. i continue "yeah, it was the first time we were meeting in person. i guess you could call this our first date." she goes "...oh..." and doesn't say another word the rest of the ride.
so i get home, but i'm not allowed out of the car yet. the sargent followed us home and is now ringing my doorbell to talk to my dad. after about 5 minutes, i'm let out of the car and brought back to my house. my dad doesn't seem upset at all, because i didn't really do anything wrong, thank god. the police leave, and i go back inside to type this up.
oh, and best part, when i was three, i tried to run away from home. i didn't get very far before an officer found me. guess who? yup. good times with that guy...
|
tried to have a nice night (there was my mistake), got in trouble with the cops
|
trying to have a nice night
|
[
"so tonight one of my friends who i'm going to call",
"brett (by request) because i don't know how he'd",
"feel about having this on reddit, asked if i",
"wanted to hang out and get some ice cream. this",
"was the first time we were meeting in person; i",
"had played dota with him, and we had mutual",
"friends, but we had never spent any time in",
"person together. i was kind of excited/ nervous",
"because i'm not very social and i don't make",
"friends easily.",
"he comes to my house at around 19:45, and we head",
"off to get ice cream at the dairy queen in my",
"town. it was next to an empty a&p, so i suggested",
"we go to my park so we don't seem completely",
"suspicious sitting in his car, eating ice cream.",
"we head off to the park, and when we get there i",
"check for signs saying when its closed because i",
"don't want to get in trouble. i don't see any",
"signs so we pull in and park close to the",
"entrance. we decide to sit in the back because",
"the front of his car really has no room or",
"anything. so were just sitting there, talking,",
"getting to know each other, eating some ice",
"cream, when we see car lights flash by us. i",
"think \"oh, maybe other people had the same idea",
"as us?\". nope. it's the cops.",
"so brett moves to the front of the car so he",
"doesn't look like a total creeper, and rolls down",
"the window to talk to the officer (female). she",
"asks what we were doing, our names, blah blah",
"blah. however, when she gets to my name, she",
"pauses. my dad has lived in this town his entire",
"life, is very active in the town, even being the",
"president of the town council. woopdefuckingdoo",
"for me.",
"the officer goes back to her car and tries",
"calling my dad first, but he's asleep, so she",
"tries my mother. but instead of my mother's",
"number, they have my number. so i have an",
"incredibly awkward conversation with the officer,",
"explaining that i'm not in fact my mother, but",
"the person she's had sitting in the parking lot",
"for about 10 minutes. the officer now gets about",
"fifty times more suspicious... great. it also",
"turns out that the park closes at sunset",
"(whoops).",
"after about 10 more minutes, the sargent shows up",
"and tells us that brett can leave, but i have to",
"go home with the officer. i go to sit in the",
"front seat, but nope! i get the honor of sitting",
"in the back with incredibly hard seats and a cage",
"surrounding me. the officer asks me if i'm hot,",
"and i start thinking does she mean high? drunk?",
"sexy? so i go well... i don't *think* i'm very",
"attractive, but my boyfriend tells me otherwise.",
"i don't think i've ever gotten a stranger look",
"from a person in my entire life. \"what the hell",
"are you talking about? i was asking if you were",
"hot, like if you wanted me to open the window or",
"something!\" yup. i'm a freak. then she asks me",
"what i was doing at the park. \"we got ice cream",
"and decided that an empty parking lot was a",
"suspicious place to hang out, and that the park",
"would be better\". another weird look, but she's",
"smiling. i continue \"yeah, it was the first time",
"we were meeting in person. i guess you could call",
"this our first date.\" she goes \"...oh...\" and",
"doesn't say another word the rest of the ride.",
"so i get home, but i'm not allowed out of the car",
"yet. the sargent followed us home and is now",
"ringing my doorbell to talk to my dad. after",
"about 5 minutes, i'm let out of the car and",
"brought back to my house. my dad doesn't seem",
"upset at all, because i didn't really do anything",
"wrong, thank god. the police leave, and i go back",
"inside to type this up.",
"oh, and best part, when i was three, i tried to",
"run away from home. i didn't get very far before",
"an officer found me. guess who? yup. good times",
"with that guy..."
] |
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go home with the officer. i go to sit in the oh, and best part, when i was three, i tried to
|
47 | 18 | 0.92 | 47 |
today i woke up super tired, like usual. i checked my phone for my semi-social life, and i had some notifications. one of them was wish this girl a happy birthday. now it's these two girls that i talk to that are twins. i talk to one more than the other, but the other one i like. now i asked the sister to wish the girl i liked "the happiest birthday possible". she seemed pretty ok with it, and she said that she replied "thank you". and from there on out, the usual conversations that we had continued. i showed her some pictures i found on imgur, and some funny facebook pictures. so everything seemed good until i told her that r. kelly lost his home in foreclosure. she never responded after that. however, she was checking her phone and responding to other people (the last seen feature on what's app). i was chatting with my best friend when he asked me if it was the twins birthday. holy shit. that's right. they are twins. which means they are born on the same day. real smooth man. so i tried to explain to her (the girl that didn't respond) that i didn't realize that they had the same birthday. i apologized several times, but to no avail. it's been 9 hours since she hasn't responded, and the day is coming to an end. maybe it'll be better by tomorrow, maybe not. but i really fucked up today...
*
if that was too long also: http://qkme.me/3tjuui
update 1: she still hasn't replied to anything. however she is conversing with my best friend, the on who made me realize it.
update 2: (5:30) she just replied. previously i asked her to say anything to me. it could be hatred, disappointment, condescending phrases, anything. she replied "no comment". that's a start /r/tifu
update 3: i got her to talk. we sorted things out, and i told her to hit me up when she was ready to continue socializing. everything's good now.
|
*: i asked a twin to wish their sister a happy birthday, and didn't think about wishing the first twin a happy birthday
|
wishing someone "the happiest birthday possible"
|
[
"today i woke up super tired, like usual. i checked",
"my phone for my semi-social life, and i had some",
"notifications. one of them was wish this girl a",
"happy birthday. now it's these two girls that i",
"talk to that are twins. i talk to one more than",
"the other, but the other one i like. now i asked",
"the sister to wish the girl i liked \"the happiest",
"birthday possible\". she seemed pretty ok with it,",
"and she said that she replied \"thank you\". and",
"from there on out, the usual conversations that",
"we had continued. i showed her some pictures i",
"found on imgur, and some funny facebook pictures.",
"so everything seemed good until i told her that",
"r. kelly lost his home in foreclosure. she never",
"responded after that. however, she was checking",
"her phone and responding to other people (the",
"last seen feature on what's app). i was chatting",
"with my best friend when he asked me if it was",
"the twins birthday. holy shit. that's right. they",
"are twins. which means they are born on the same",
"day. real smooth man. so i tried to explain to",
"her (the girl that didn't respond) that i didn't",
"realize that they had the same birthday. i",
"apologized several times, but to no avail. it's",
"been 9 hours since she hasn't responded, and the",
"day is coming to an end. maybe it'll be better by",
"tomorrow, maybe not. but i really fucked up",
"today...",
"*",
"if that was too long also: http://qkme.me/3tjuui",
"update 1: she still hasn't replied to anything.",
"however she is conversing with my best friend,",
"the on who made me realize it.",
"update 2: (5:30) she just replied. previously i",
"asked her to say anything to me. it could be",
"hatred, disappointment, condescending phrases,",
"anything. she replied \"no comment\". that's a",
"start /r/tifu",
"update 3: i got her to talk. we sorted things",
"out, and i told her to hit me up when she was",
"ready to continue socializing. everything's good",
"now."
] |
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happy birthday. now it's these two girls that i the other, but the other one i like. now i asked the sister to wish the girl i liked "the happiest
|
169 | 35 | 0.92 | 169 |
sup tifu. first post.
so i had a rum and coke in me and decided to have a bath to explore myself and whatnot. so i run the bath and it's hot as hell but whatever, i tough it out and eventually i manage. begin fapping.
i won't go into fapping details because seriously wtf not important but after awhile i started feeling really hot, so i stood up in the tub. i continue happily on my feet for a few seconds and then suddenly dizziness hits me like a truck. fapping stops and i'm like "oh shit not this". i've passed out before and i had all the warning signs i was on the road to faintsville. i drop back down into the tub and i'm leaning over the edge. at this point i'm trying to get a hold of myself, when i notice my pulse in my neck. or lack thereof. my heart was beating every 2-3 seconds it felt like. shiiiiiiiiiit.
naturally i start to panic a bit so i climb out of the tub and prepare to take a nap on the nice floor in front of the sink. the ac in the bathroom and tv going outside start to sound rather muffled and i'm just like "don't pass out don't pass out ooooomg don't pass out" but luckily i started to get back under control after getting horizontal for a bit. floor is wet as shit now and family apparently heard the commotion, asking if i was ok. ugh.
|
hot water + boner + standing up is a recipe for heart failure, apparently.
|
fapping in the bath and almost passing out
|
[
"sup tifu. first post.",
"so i had a rum and coke in me and decided to have",
"a bath to explore myself and whatnot. so i run",
"the bath and it's hot as hell but whatever, i",
"tough it out and eventually i manage. begin",
"fapping.",
"i won't go into fapping details because seriously",
"wtf not important but after awhile i started",
"feeling really hot, so i stood up in the tub. i",
"continue happily on my feet for a few seconds and",
"then suddenly dizziness hits me like a truck.",
"fapping stops and i'm like \"oh shit not this\".",
"i've passed out before and i had all the warning",
"signs i was on the road to faintsville. i drop",
"back down into the tub and i'm leaning over the",
"edge. at this point i'm trying to get a hold of",
"myself, when i notice my pulse in my neck. or",
"lack thereof. my heart was beating every 2-3",
"seconds it felt like. shiiiiiiiiiit.",
"naturally i start to panic a bit so i climb out",
"of the tub and prepare to take a nap on the nice",
"floor in front of the sink. the ac in the",
"bathroom and tv going outside start to sound",
"rather muffled and i'm just like \"don't pass out",
"don't pass out ooooomg don't pass out\" but",
"luckily i started to get back under control after",
"getting horizontal for a bit. floor is wet as",
"shit now and family apparently heard the",
"commotion, asking if i was ok. ugh."
] |
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feeling really hot, so i stood up in the tub. i getting horizontal for a bit. floor is wet as
|
21 | 9 | 0.64 | 21 |
tifu
for a time last night, i was a hero. i am only 18 and my friends and i had plans to go to a house party last night however, those plans fell through. all of my friends were prepared to spend a night in bored until i said fuck that and planned a trip into ybor. though, being 18 year old high school kids many of my group were un able to do this on account of parents and curfews. our plans fell flat again until i remembered this crazy neon motorcycle festival going on downtown.
everyone was able to go and we had an awesome time. there were crazy biker people everywhere tents and vendors selling head wraps and neon lights to attach to harleys. there was even a really good ac/dc cover band there. we are all buzzed off of the beer we brought but it didn't last us very long and the vendors selling jäger were pretty expensive so when the band finished up and left i decided to try my luck at the closest bar. it worked.
the bartender was pretty busy and didn't have the time to check id or anything so she ended up serving us through the night. the waitress however was having none of our shit so we had to sit at the tables outside. no big deal, we were still sort of in a bar and we were getting service so life was good. at this point during the night three more joined our group including tino, my good friend who i will call robert, and the girl he had been having relations with for the past few months, maya. we hang out for a while and have an awesome time and i get significantly drunker than i had intended. somehow when we all get up to leave, i end up going with these three.
i have been drinking at a furious rate and i believe that my body continued to absorb the alcohol as i stumbled to robert's car. my ego is huge at this point. i have saved the night and i deserve to be recognized for my greatness. the girl who i have been texting all night fell asleep or something so i need to find another outlet for my raging greatness. soon i find that maya and i are getting along great.
we are all laughing and having fun when we get into robert's car. i can't even hear what i am saying and my last clear memory is making out with maya and robert saying "what the fuck dude"
skip to this morning and i am still a little drunk. i text my friend henry to find out what happened last night and i am horrified to see what he has to say. he tells me that i not only made out with maya, i also ended up puking in robert's car. fuck me. henry tells me that i am a butthole when i am drunk, but consoles me by saying "you can definitely post in tifu now"
|
got really drunk, made out with my friend's girlfriend and puked in his car.
|
seriously ruining a great night
|
[
"tifu",
"for a time last night, i was a hero. i am only 18",
"and my friends and i had plans to go to a house",
"party last night however, those plans fell",
"through. all of my friends were prepared to spend",
"a night in bored until i said fuck that and",
"planned a trip into ybor. though, being 18 year",
"old high school kids many of my group were un",
"able to do this on account of parents and",
"curfews. our plans fell flat again until i",
"remembered this crazy neon motorcycle festival",
"going on downtown.",
"everyone was able to go and we had an awesome",
"time. there were crazy biker people everywhere",
"tents and vendors selling head wraps and neon",
"lights to attach to harleys. there was even a",
"really good ac/dc cover band there. we are all",
"buzzed off of the beer we brought but it didn't",
"last us very long and the vendors selling jäger",
"were pretty expensive so when the band finished",
"up and left i decided to try my luck at the",
"closest bar. it worked.",
"the bartender was pretty busy and didn't have the",
"time to check id or anything so she ended up",
"serving us through the night. the waitress",
"however was having none of our shit so we had to",
"sit at the tables outside. no big deal, we were",
"still sort of in a bar and we were getting",
"service so life was good. at this point during",
"the night three more joined our group including",
"tino, my good friend who i will call robert, and",
"the girl he had been having relations with for",
"the past few months, maya. we hang out for a",
"while and have an awesome time and i get",
"significantly drunker than i had intended.",
"somehow when we all get up to leave, i end up",
"going with these three.",
"i have been drinking at a furious rate and i",
"believe that my body continued to absorb the",
"alcohol as i stumbled to robert's car. my ego is",
"huge at this point. i have saved the night and i",
"deserve to be recognized for my greatness. the",
"girl who i have been texting all night fell",
"asleep or something so i need to find another",
"outlet for my raging greatness. soon i find that",
"maya and i are getting along great.",
"we are all laughing and having fun when we get",
"into robert's car. i can't even hear what i am",
"saying and my last clear memory is making out",
"with maya and robert saying \"what the fuck dude\"",
"skip to this morning and i am still a little",
"drunk. i text my friend henry to find out what",
"happened last night and i am horrified to see",
"what he has to say. he tells me that i not only",
"made out with maya, i also ended up puking in",
"robert's car. fuck me. henry tells me that i am a",
"butthole when i am drunk, but consoles me by",
"saying \"you can definitely post in tifu now\""
] |
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and my friends and i had plans to go to a house made out with maya, i also ended up puking in
|
34 | 19 | 0.76 | 34 |
well, here's the story. i was downloading something, and because the download needed 5+ hours to be completed, i decided that it would be a good idea to get some sleep. i put the laptop near the edge of my bed (yes stupid move, i know) and go to sleep on the other side.
i am woken up by my grandmother's shouting and i immediately saw that i had kicked my mother's laptop off the edge, screen down. tifu indeed.
|
: never sleep with your laptop near you. they are of the fucking devil.
|
smashing my mother's laptop screen.
|
[
"well, here's the story. i was downloading",
"something, and because the download needed 5+",
"hours to be completed, i decided that it would be",
"a good idea to get some sleep. i put the laptop",
"near the edge of my bed (yes stupid move, i know)",
"and go to sleep on the other side.",
"i am woken up by my grandmother's shouting and i",
"immediately saw that i had kicked my mother's",
"laptop off the edge, screen down. tifu indeed."
] |
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a good idea to get some sleep. i put the laptop near the edge of my bed (yes stupid move, i know)
|
19 | 13 | 0.66 | 19 |
this just happened about 40 minutes ago, i was at my friends house even there since about 8pm and we just smoke out, fast forward to about 4am and my friends brother and his boyfriend come home with a bunch of there girl friends. we end up drinking a bit and smoking even more, this is where it starts: at about 5am we all end up getting ready to fall asleep and i'm in the room with all the girls (mind you i'm the only guy in the room now) i'm laying down on the floor trying to fall asleep when my stomach starts to bubble. fuck, why am i getting gas right now!!!! i'm just laying there holding it in when bbbbaaaammmmmmm! i fart like i've never farted before, very strung out loud and smelly one at that. i'm praying to god that the girls in the room were fast asleep…dead wrong -_- one starts giggling then all of them start whispering around "did you hear that?!?!" i am in utter shock and just pretend to be asleep until they all quiet down and hopefully fall asleep, 15 minutes later…another earth shattering fart!!! i can't take the embarrassment anymore jump up grab my shit and run faster than i ever have before outta there. i'm waiting for the bus to go home now. reddit i fucked up
|
i had two earth shattering farts in a room full of girls.
|
farting in my sleep in a room full of girls
|
[
"this just happened about 40 minutes ago, i was at",
"my friends house even there since about 8pm and",
"we just smoke out, fast forward to about 4am and",
"my friends brother and his boyfriend come home",
"with a bunch of there girl friends. we end up",
"drinking a bit and smoking even more, this is",
"where it starts: at about 5am we all end up",
"getting ready to fall asleep and i'm in the room",
"with all the girls (mind you i'm the only guy in",
"the room now) i'm laying down on the floor trying",
"to fall asleep when my stomach starts to bubble.",
"fuck, why am i getting gas right now!!!! i'm just",
"laying there holding it in when bbbbaaaammmmmmm!",
"i fart like i've never farted before, very strung",
"out loud and smelly one at that. i'm praying to",
"god that the girls in the room were fast",
"asleep…dead wrong -_- one starts giggling then",
"all of them start whispering around \"did you hear",
"that?!?!\" i am in utter shock and just pretend to",
"be asleep until they all quiet down and hopefully",
"fall asleep, 15 minutes later…another earth",
"shattering fart!!! i can't take the embarrassment",
"anymore jump up grab my shit and run faster than",
"i ever have before outta there. i'm waiting for",
"the bus to go home now. reddit i fucked up"
] |
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god that the girls in the room were fast shattering fart!!! i can't take the embarrassment
|
194 | 27 | 0.87 | 194 |
this happened a little while ago actually.
a little backdrop for this story. i'm on the club cross country team at michigan state university. this year, our national meet was at hershey, pa. given the 10 hour drive, we left friday morning and got back on sunday night, with the meet being on saturday morning. this, of course, gave way for partying on saturday night. as a team, we stayed in a hotel not too far away from the course with some other schools that were racing.
also, when i get drunk, i tend to get angry for whatever reason.
with all that being said, i decided to party and have some fun. as the night progressed on, i of course, preceded to get more and more drunk. finally, at about 1:00 am, the anger starts to kick in. i get so mad that i decide to put on my jacket and some shoes, and go out for a run to simmer down. before anyone could stop me, i took off running straight down the road.
i should let you know that i was extremely unfamiliar with the area. in fact, i knew none of the roads. the only landmark i knew was that i was staying in a hilton hotel across the street from a wal-mart.
after a few miles, i sweat out some of the alcohol and started to sober up a bit. i, of course, realized how stupid it was to go running late at night, while drunk, in area i was completely unfamiliar with. so, i had the natural reaction of turning around and going back to the hotel. unfortunately, after a while, i started to realize how nothing looked familiar from before. i decided to keep going forward in the hopes of seeing something that would lead me to the hotel. of course, there was nothing.
having nothing on me except my hotel key card, i had no way to call someone for help or to guide me back to the hotel. panic started to kick in as i realized i was completely lost in the middle of pennsylvania. my first reaction was to see if i could find somebody on the roads that could help me. with it almost being 2:30 now, there were very few cars out and almost no restaurants or businesses open. i wave down a few cars and even stop in a mcdonald's to ask for directions but no one could lead me back to the hotel.
but, seeing no other hope, i keep trying. a few more cars pass by and eventually a car pulls over. i tell the driver, a middle aged women, my story and she informed me that there was a hilton about 5 miles north of us. she even offered to give me a ride. under any other circumstances, i would have immediately said no thanks but i was now very tired and still a little scared. reluctantly, i hop in this stranger's car and hope for the best. fortunately, she was an extremely kind women and nothing happened. she took me back the hotel and it was the right one.
|
got pissed off when drunk. went for a run in a place i was very unfamiliar with and had to hitchhike my way back to the hotel.
|
getting drunk and going for a run
|
[
"this happened a little while ago actually.",
"a little backdrop for this story. i'm on the club",
"cross country team at michigan state university.",
"this year, our national meet was at hershey, pa.",
"given the 10 hour drive, we left friday morning",
"and got back on sunday night, with the meet being",
"on saturday morning. this, of course, gave way",
"for partying on saturday night. as a team, we",
"stayed in a hotel not too far away from the",
"course with some other schools that were racing.",
"also, when i get drunk, i tend to get angry for",
"whatever reason.",
"with all that being said, i decided to party and",
"have some fun. as the night progressed on, i of",
"course, preceded to get more and more drunk.",
"finally, at about 1:00 am, the anger starts to",
"kick in. i get so mad that i decide to put on my",
"jacket and some shoes, and go out for a run to",
"simmer down. before anyone could stop me, i took",
"off running straight down the road.",
"i should let you know that i was extremely",
"unfamiliar with the area. in fact, i knew none of",
"the roads. the only landmark i knew was that i",
"was staying in a hilton hotel across the street",
"from a wal-mart.",
"after a few miles, i sweat out some of the",
"alcohol and started to sober up a bit. i, of",
"course, realized how stupid it was to go running",
"late at night, while drunk, in area i was",
"completely unfamiliar with. so, i had the natural",
"reaction of turning around and going back to the",
"hotel. unfortunately, after a while, i started to",
"realize how nothing looked familiar from before.",
"i decided to keep going forward in the hopes of",
"seeing something that would lead me to the hotel.",
"of course, there was nothing.",
"having nothing on me except my hotel key card, i",
"had no way to call someone for help or to guide",
"me back to the hotel. panic started to kick in as",
"i realized i was completely lost in the middle of",
"pennsylvania. my first reaction was to see if i",
"could find somebody on the roads that could help",
"me. with it almost being 2:30 now, there were",
"very few cars out and almost no restaurants or",
"businesses open. i wave down a few cars and even",
"stop in a mcdonald's to ask for directions but no",
"one could lead me back to the hotel.",
"but, seeing no other hope, i keep trying. a few",
"more cars pass by and eventually a car pulls",
"over. i tell the driver, a middle aged women, my",
"story and she informed me that there was a hilton",
"about 5 miles north of us. she even offered to",
"give me a ride. under any other circumstances, i",
"would have immediately said no thanks but i was",
"now very tired and still a little scared.",
"reluctantly, i hop in this stranger's car and",
"hope for the best. fortunately, she was an",
"extremely kind women and nothing happened. she",
"took me back the hotel and it was the right one."
] |
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jacket and some shoes, and go out for a run to completely unfamiliar with. so, i had the natural me back to the hotel. panic started to kick in as
|
40 | 13 | 0.91 | 40 |
today i was sitting at home watching archer. i took out my phone to check it, and realized that part of the phone's soft plastic case had torn. so me, always wanting to mcguyver everything, went and got the krazy glue and tried to glue the phone's case together (i took the phone out, so i'm not completely retarded.)
as i'm squeezing the tube, nothing emerges from the nozzle. i wonder if perhaps the glue in the nozzle had dried. then when i lifted the tube, i noticed drops falling from it. the glue had burst out the end of the tube and was now dripping all over!
some had gotten on my finger, didn't get it glued to any other body parts but still was rough on the skin. i went and ran it under some water, which is about all you can do to treat that. then i walked back to where the phone case was to check if my glue job held (i managed to rub a bit of glue from the back of the tube onto the torn parts of the case before i discarded it.) try to pick it up - stuck...... shiiiiiiiit. my fucking phone is superglued to the countertop of the place i'm renting.
i managed to tear it off, leaving a big rubber skid where the glue made contact. tomorrow, i must google solutions for cleaning krazy-glue from the counter without damaging it. still haven't got the glue off my fingers. at least i successfully glued my case back together, although it has a weird patch on the back now.
|
tried to superglue my phone case, glue tube leaked all over, ended up inadvertently gluing phone case to the counter, buh-bye damage deposit, who cares, archer is awesome.**
|
krazy-glued my phone's case to the countertop.
|
[
"today i was sitting at home watching archer. i",
"took out my phone to check it, and realized that",
"part of the phone's soft plastic case had torn.",
"so me, always wanting to mcguyver everything,",
"went and got the krazy glue and tried to glue the",
"phone's case together (i took the phone out, so",
"i'm not completely retarded.)",
"as i'm squeezing the tube, nothing emerges from",
"the nozzle. i wonder if perhaps the glue in the",
"nozzle had dried. then when i lifted the tube, i",
"noticed drops falling from it. the glue had burst",
"out the end of the tube and was now dripping all",
"over!",
"some had gotten on my finger, didn't get it glued",
"to any other body parts but still was rough on",
"the skin. i went and ran it under some water,",
"which is about all you can do to treat that. then",
"i walked back to where the phone case was to",
"check if my glue job held (i managed to rub a bit",
"of glue from the back of the tube onto the torn",
"parts of the case before i discarded it.) try to",
"pick it up - stuck...... shiiiiiiiit. my fucking",
"phone is superglued to the countertop of the",
"place i'm renting.",
"i managed to tear it off, leaving a big rubber",
"skid where the glue made contact. tomorrow, i",
"must google solutions for cleaning krazy-glue",
"from the counter without damaging it. still",
"haven't got the glue off my fingers. at least i",
"successfully glued my case back together,",
"although it has a weird patch on the back now."
] |
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went and got the krazy glue and tried to glue the over! phone is superglued to the countertop of the successfully glued my case back together,
|
33 | 10 | 0.87 | 33 |
so i wanted to see if this stuff actually worked. i applied it to my whole body, being a hairy human and all, but i think i kept it on past the required time. the fucking hair did not come off, even after scrubbing with my towel.
that shit burns. unfortunately, some of it seeped into my crack, and it wasn't long before the itchy burning spread all over.
so i then muscled through it, and decided to finish the rest by using this smooth and effective pink razor my mother keeps on the shelf. as i was finishing up my arms, i knocked both knuckles, the ones located on your wrists.
as i got out it took about twenty fucking minutes to get them to both stop bleeding.
so now i sit here with itchy nipples, an itchy ass, and two stinging but healing knuckles. tifu.
|
i gave myself all day itchiness in the worst of places, and cut myself by accident**
|
using hair removal cream and then shaving
|
[
"so i wanted to see if this stuff actually worked.",
"i applied it to my whole body, being a hairy",
"human and all, but i think i kept it on past the",
"required time. the fucking hair did not come off,",
"even after scrubbing with my towel.",
"that shit burns. unfortunately, some of it seeped",
"into my crack, and it wasn't long before the",
"itchy burning spread all over.",
"so i then muscled through it, and decided to",
"finish the rest by using this smooth and",
"effective pink razor my mother keeps on the",
"shelf. as i was finishing up my arms, i knocked",
"both knuckles, the ones located on your wrists.",
"as i got out it took about twenty fucking minutes",
"to get them to both stop bleeding.",
"so now i sit here with itchy nipples, an itchy",
"ass, and two stinging but healing knuckles. tifu."
] |
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human and all, but i think i kept it on past the finish the rest by using this smooth and
|
3,044 | 273 | 0.96 | 3,044 |
not using a throwaway because, fuck it...
pics http://imgur.com/a/mq0p9
i've lived in europe for the last three years and haven't been to one of my favorite stores ever since i moved. well one week into being in the states i'm walking through target holding a basket by the holes on the side rather than the handle. (imagine the basket as a comically oversized set of novelty brass knucks).
i try to slip my fingers out of the holes to grab something off a shelf and they wont come out. eventually i get my pointer and ring finger out but my middle finger is still stuck. so my wife goes and gets a cart not really believing me that my hand is stuck and i walk around trying to nonchalantly get my finger out of the basket, which is now sitting in the cart. my wife gets me some sampler lotion from the makeup section and puts it on my finger. still won't budge. i get another idea and we go over to the travel-sized toiletry section and we pop open a small pack of baby oil. my finger is good and oiled by it still will not come out. at this point my finger is starting to turn blue and fat from constantly struggling to get out.
at this point i'm starting to give up on the idea of escaping this finger trap silently and i get the attention of a passing loss prevention officer. i go over all the things i tried and he suggets using some vaseline. so he's over here being a real bro and slathering my finger with vaseline. if i didn't need his help so badly i would have closed my eyes and licked my lips while he was rubbing vaseline up and down my finger to be funny...
anyway my finger still will not come loose. so he tries to get a manager on the radio and it takes a long time for him to get to us. in the meantime people are starting to notice what's going on with me and yeah, people are openly laughing.
the manager finally shows up and suggests we call the fire department, i was really hoping it wouldn't come to this but it did. i ask if there's somewhere i can sit where i wont be such a spectacle and i get seated between the starbucks area and pharmacy and sit on a bench trying my best to pretend i'm just holding the basket when people walk by.
eventually the fire department arrives and they have to use medical scissors to cut all the rings around my finger to get me loose. they then cut one line through the ring my finger is in and i'm able to pull the whole thing apart with my hand.
my finger hurts and i love target so i'm going to have to face these people who know what a stupid man-child i am constantly.
|
local 27 year old man gets finger stuck in target basket, has to be cut out by fire dept.
|
getting my finger stuck in a target basket...(pics)
|
[
"not using a throwaway because, fuck it...",
"pics http://imgur.com/a/mq0p9",
"i've lived in europe for the last three years and",
"haven't been to one of my favorite stores ever",
"since i moved. well one week into being in the",
"states i'm walking through target holding a",
"basket by the holes on the side rather than the",
"handle. (imagine the basket as a comically",
"oversized set of novelty brass knucks).",
"i try to slip my fingers out of the holes to grab",
"something off a shelf and they wont come out.",
"eventually i get my pointer and ring finger out",
"but my middle finger is still stuck. so my wife",
"goes and gets a cart not really believing me that",
"my hand is stuck and i walk around trying to",
"nonchalantly get my finger out of the basket,",
"which is now sitting in the cart. my wife gets me",
"some sampler lotion from the makeup section and",
"puts it on my finger. still won't budge. i get",
"another idea and we go over to the travel-sized",
"toiletry section and we pop open a small pack of",
"baby oil. my finger is good and oiled by it still",
"will not come out. at this point my finger is",
"starting to turn blue and fat from constantly",
"struggling to get out.",
"at this point i'm starting to give up on the idea",
"of escaping this finger trap silently and i get",
"the attention of a passing loss prevention",
"officer. i go over all the things i tried and he",
"suggets using some vaseline. so he's over here",
"being a real bro and slathering my finger with",
"vaseline. if i didn't need his help so badly i",
"would have closed my eyes and licked my lips",
"while he was rubbing vaseline up and down my",
"finger to be funny...",
"anyway my finger still will not come loose. so",
"he tries to get a manager on the radio and it",
"takes a long time for him to get to us. in the",
"meantime people are starting to notice what's",
"going on with me and yeah, people are openly",
"laughing.",
"the manager finally shows up and suggests we call",
"the fire department, i was really hoping it",
"wouldn't come to this but it did. i ask if",
"there's somewhere i can sit where i wont be such",
"a spectacle and i get seated between the",
"starbucks area and pharmacy and sit on a bench",
"trying my best to pretend i'm just holding the",
"basket when people walk by.",
"eventually the fire department arrives and they",
"have to use medical scissors to cut all the rings",
"around my finger to get me loose. they then cut",
"one line through the ring my finger is in and i'm",
"able to pull the whole thing apart with my hand.",
"my finger hurts and i love target so i'm going to",
"have to face these people who know what a stupid",
"man-child i am constantly."
] |
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finger to be funny... basket when people walk by.
|
14 | 1 | 0.77 | 14 |
i'm standing at the stove, frying up some salmon for breakfast cuz why the hell not. i go to flip it, when i suddenly feel something crunch under my foot causing me to jump ever so slightly, dropping the salmon. splashed very hot olive oil on my hand, leaving a very painful burn.
|
not cleaning up after your messy toddler can be painful.
|
being startled by cereal.
|
[
"i'm standing at the stove, frying up some salmon",
"for breakfast cuz why the hell not. i go to flip",
"it, when i suddenly feel something crunch under",
"my foot causing me to jump ever so slightly,",
"dropping the salmon. splashed very hot olive oil",
"on my hand, leaving a very painful burn."
] |
[
0.6952472874487877,
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0,
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1
] |
i'm standing at the stove, frying up some salmon on my hand, leaving a very painful burn.
|
0 | 6 | 0.43 | 0 |
i'll start from the top. my (now-ex) girlfriend is practicing for tryouts to get into a college music program. in addition, she has been stalked by a guy for several years now, which will come into play soon. her practice schedule requires no external contact from anyone for a week. for some odd reason, i was not in the right mind, and decided to do something i'll be resenting for the next infinity. i screencapped a picture of her stalkers facebook, and made a fake facebook post around coming to see her performance day next week, in an attempt to come to me to help her. after i did that, i sent her the .psd file with all the layers not flattened, and the truth came out that i tried to manipulate her. i woke up in the morning to my phone vibrating non-stop from texts. immediately after i woke up, it occurred to me what i did was idiotic. i'm sitting down crying right now because i seriously fucked up with likely no chance of getting back together. i just wish i could undo the events. even though you guys won't be sympathetic towards me, i fucked up. bad. also, i neglected to mention that the stalker knows where she lives.
|
read the story. i typed it out on my phone.
|
tried to scare my girlfriend into coming to my house.
|
[
"i'll start from the top. my (now-ex) girlfriend is",
"practicing for tryouts to get into a college",
"music program. in addition, she has been stalked",
"by a guy for several years now, which will come",
"into play soon. her practice schedule requires no",
"external contact from anyone for a week. for some",
"odd reason, i was not in the right mind, and",
"decided to do something i'll be resenting for the",
"next infinity. i screencapped a picture of her",
"stalkers facebook, and made a fake facebook post",
"around coming to see her performance day next",
"week, in an attempt to come to me to help her.",
"after i did that, i sent her the .psd file with",
"all the layers not flattened, and the truth came",
"out that i tried to manipulate her. i woke up in",
"the morning to my phone vibrating non-stop from",
"texts. immediately after i woke up, it occurred",
"to me what i did was idiotic. i'm sitting down",
"crying right now because i seriously fucked up",
"with likely no chance of getting back together. i",
"just wish i could undo the events. even though",
"you guys won't be sympathetic towards me, i",
"fucked up. bad. also, i neglected to mention that",
"the stalker knows where she lives."
] |
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] |
the morning to my phone vibrating non-stop from
|
0 | 3 | 0.35 | 0 |
this happened today, my parents were going out and my girlfriend wanted to come over after our plans to go to her house had failed. my parents knew she was coming over, everything seems perfect, right? wrong. my cousin, who has been staying with us for the past 3 months, is also home in the living room and we are a room away in my room.
cue sexy time.
we decided to sneak upstairs and get it in, no sex though because we had heard a rustle downstairs, which i had concluded was my dog moving around in his room moving a barrier which prevents his from going upstairs. this terrified both of us so we go back downstairs, my cousin is in a position to see us so i try to pass it off as us trying to play with my dog.
not exactly sure whether he bought it or not but something peculiar caught me, i came back to my room, and my tv, which was previously on when we snuck up, was turned off. odd. i pass it off as me maybe turning it off, another thing though, the gate was in a weird position. weird.
cue extra paranoia, my sisters, both older than me by about 12 years are with my parents. i get a text from one of them that says this:
"be careful with what you do with your girlfriend, tell her i said hi"
weird, she had told me though before i better not have a girl alone at home though, i'm hoping that's all it is and my parents somehow may not have found out. my parents have thankfully avoided that talk with me and i don't plan on having it with them any time soon...
guess i'll see what happens when my parents come home in an hour.
|
had sexy time with girlfriend, parents might have found out. not looking forward to the consequences...
|
deciding to have some sexy time with my girlfriend.
|
[
"this happened today, my parents were going out and",
"my girlfriend wanted to come over after our plans",
"to go to her house had failed. my parents knew",
"she was coming over, everything seems perfect,",
"right? wrong. my cousin, who has been staying",
"with us for the past 3 months, is also home in",
"the living room and we are a room away in my",
"room.",
"cue sexy time.",
"we decided to sneak upstairs and get it in, no",
"sex though because we had heard a rustle",
"downstairs, which i had concluded was my dog",
"moving around in his room moving a barrier which",
"prevents his from going upstairs. this terrified",
"both of us so we go back downstairs, my cousin is",
"in a position to see us so i try to pass it off",
"as us trying to play with my dog.",
"not exactly sure whether he bought it or not but",
"something peculiar caught me, i came back to my",
"room, and my tv, which was previously on when we",
"snuck up, was turned off. odd. i pass it off as",
"me maybe turning it off, another thing though,",
"the gate was in a weird position. weird.",
"cue extra paranoia, my sisters, both older than",
"me by about 12 years are with my parents. i get a",
"text from one of them that says this:",
"\"be careful with what you do with your",
"girlfriend, tell her i said hi\"",
"weird, she had told me though before i better not",
"have a girl alone at home though, i'm hoping",
"that's all it is and my parents somehow may not",
"have found out. my parents have thankfully",
"avoided that talk with me and i don't plan on",
"having it with them any time soon...",
"guess i'll see what happens when my parents come",
"home in an hour."
] |
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] |
cue sexy time. have found out. my parents have thankfully
|
18 | 16 | 0.87 | 18 |
saved up for 2 months to buy a new phone. found an iphone on craigslist, and bought it without switching providers on the spot. big mistake... the guy didn't take his account info off the phone. he owes over $500 to sprint, so they refuse to take him off the phone without him paying his bill. i planned to email him, threatening to call china and leave the call going overnight, but now sprint won't allow calls until the bill is paid.
i have no way of contacting him other than his craigslist email address. i don't know where he lives or anything. i just arranged to have the phone purchased for $50 for parts.
|
made a stupid craigslist purchase
|
buying a phone with service on it.
|
[
"saved up for 2 months to buy a new phone. found an",
"iphone on craigslist, and bought it without",
"switching providers on the spot. big mistake...",
"the guy didn't take his account info off the",
"phone. he owes over $500 to sprint, so they",
"refuse to take him off the phone without him",
"paying his bill. i planned to email him,",
"threatening to call china and leave the call",
"going overnight, but now sprint won't allow calls",
"until the bill is paid.",
"i have no way of contacting him other than his",
"craigslist email address. i don't know where he",
"lives or anything. i just arranged to have the",
"phone purchased for $50 for parts."
] |
[
0,
1,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0.7051622099386425,
0,
0
] |
iphone on craigslist, and bought it without
|
11 | 1 | 0.7 | 11 |
i was selling 2 different things. one was arranged at an office max. the other at my house. the person arranged at office max didn't contact me for days and i thought he didn't want the thing anymore. the other person was new and asked for my phone number yesterday. today morning, i got a text asking to meet up, specifically with the thing he's buying in the text. i somehow skipped that part and thought it was the guy arranged at my house, but it was the office max guy. i said sure and waited for him for an hour while he drove all over the county trying to find my area. eventually he found it and was waiting at office max. i gave him further direction to come to my house, only for him to get lost again. at that point, he yelled at me for making him lost because he thought he was going to a public place and didn't bring a gps while i yelled back at him saying it wasn't my fault for him not to know where i am because i gave him my address, which i didn't. the guilt is eating me up inside.
|
i yelled at an innocent guy who drove an hour trying to find my place because i misread something.
|
mixing up different buyers from craigslist, making me yell at an innocent buyer.
|
[
"i was selling 2 different things. one was arranged",
"at an office max. the other at my house. the",
"person arranged at office max didn't contact me",
"for days and i thought he didn't want the thing",
"anymore. the other person was new and asked for",
"my phone number yesterday. today morning, i got a",
"text asking to meet up, specifically with the",
"thing he's buying in the text. i somehow skipped",
"that part and thought it was the guy arranged at",
"my house, but it was the office max guy. i said",
"sure and waited for him for an hour while he",
"drove all over the county trying to find my area.",
"eventually he found it and was waiting at office",
"max. i gave him further direction to come to my",
"house, only for him to get lost again. at that",
"point, he yelled at me for making him lost",
"because he thought he was going to a public place",
"and didn't bring a gps while i yelled back at him",
"saying it wasn't my fault for him not to know",
"where i am because i gave him my address, which i",
"didn't. the guilt is eating me up inside."
] |
[
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0.22128502313185275,
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0.35846187531925366,
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] |
sure and waited for him for an hour while he drove all over the county trying to find my area. and didn't bring a gps while i yelled back at him
|
5 | 8 | 0.63 | 5 |
so, in order to understand my fuck up, a little back story.
i started my second year at college (english, not american). sitting in a room with another course, my friend and i were looking at the malicious advice mallard meme, so said girl and i start chatting, before our groups are split back up.
fast forward and both courses are on the same trip to the london museum of design. after an hour of drawing and such, i find the girl and we start talking again (still didn't know her name at this point). about 5 minutes later my friend, let's call him john, sits down with us and notices that we are similar, personality wise, so using his phone, tells me to ask her out. please bear in mind that an 18yo 15st male with no prior dating experience is writing here, so... yeah. anyway, back to the fuck up. so she walks off, looking for other members of her group to see if they want lunch or something. another friend joins us and john tells him all about it, so this other friend, lets say dan, walks off to find her and ask her for her number. for me.
fuck. my. life.
that was all that decided to streak through my head for the next half hour. anyway, me and friends go to get lunch, and before we are due to head back on the underground, i see her again. bear in mind she is like an 8/10 and i'm maybe a 4/10 in good lighting. anyway, me, being a complete idiot, does nothing, no talking. nothing. so yeah. just me. alone again.
woo! first post!
update; so i saw the girl again (still don't know her name. still sucks) and i was with a few mates. now i don't know what your friends are like, but mine are assholes. she says hi and thanks to said asshole friends just not shutting the hell up i say 'hi' in the most awkward weird voice ever. so now i think that she thinks i'm some kind of special needs kinda guy. (possibly when it comes to women. :/ )
|
single guy doesn't get the girl.
|
not asking the girl out.
|
[
"so, in order to understand my fuck up, a little",
"back story.",
"i started my second year at college (english,",
"not american). sitting in a room with another",
"course, my friend and i were looking at the",
"malicious advice mallard meme, so said girl and i",
"start chatting, before our groups are split back",
"up.",
"fast forward and both courses are on the same",
"trip to the london museum of design. after an",
"hour of drawing and such, i find the girl and we",
"start talking again (still didn't know her name",
"at this point). about 5 minutes later my friend,",
"let's call him john, sits down with us and",
"notices that we are similar, personality wise, so",
"using his phone, tells me to ask her out. please",
"bear in mind that an 18yo 15st male with no prior",
"dating experience is writing here, so... yeah.",
"anyway, back to the fuck up. so she walks off,",
"looking for other members of her group to see if",
"they want lunch or something. another friend",
"joins us and john tells him all about it, so this",
"other friend, lets say dan, walks off to find her",
"and ask her for her number. for me.",
"fuck. my. life.",
"that was all that decided to streak through my",
"head for the next half hour. anyway, me and",
"friends go to get lunch, and before we are due to",
"head back on the underground, i see her again.",
"bear in mind she is like an 8/10 and i'm maybe a",
"4/10 in good lighting. anyway, me, being a",
"complete idiot, does nothing, no talking.",
"nothing. so yeah. just me. alone again.",
"woo! first post!",
"update; so i saw the girl again (still don't know",
"her name. still sucks) and i was with a few",
"mates. now i don't know what your friends are",
"like, but mine are assholes. she says hi and",
"thanks to said asshole friends just not shutting",
"the hell up i say 'hi' in the most awkward weird",
"voice ever. so now i think that she thinks i'm",
"some kind of special needs kinda guy. (possibly",
"when it comes to women. :/ )"
] |
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] |
update; so i saw the girl again (still don't know
|
11 | 4 | 0.88 | 11 |
so my friends took my phone during study hall to text people. i didn't really care because they always do. so i went to sleep. they returned the phone to me at the end of the period and everything seemed fine.
after school, some big ass dude came up to me and started confronting me. he was like "if you don't stop talking like that to my daughter, i'm going to report you to the police and the school." i've never gotten in major trouble in school so of course i freaked the fuck out. turned out my friends sexted some girl from my phone. we knew each other's name, face, number, and nothing else. i apologized and told him it wasn't me but i think he didn't believe. pretty sure the girl will never talk to me again.
|
let friends have my phone during school. turned out they sexted some girl and i was confronted by her dad.
|
letting my friends text people on my phone
|
[
"so my friends took my phone during study hall to",
"text people. i didn't really care because they",
"always do. so i went to sleep. they returned the",
"phone to me at the end of the period and",
"everything seemed fine.",
"after school, some big ass dude came up to me and",
"started confronting me. he was like \"if you don't",
"stop talking like that to my daughter, i'm going",
"to report you to the police and the school.\" i've",
"never gotten in major trouble in school so of",
"course i freaked the fuck out. turned out my",
"friends sexted some girl from my phone. we knew",
"each other's name, face, number, and nothing",
"else. i apologized and told him it wasn't me but",
"i think he didn't believe. pretty sure the girl",
"will never talk to me again."
] |
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] |
course i freaked the fuck out. turned out my friends sexted some girl from my phone. we knew
|
200 | 49 | 0.94 | 200 |
okay so usually when we're together, my boyfriend and i spend most nights at his place. i still live with my family so it's just easier on everybody for us to have a place to ourselves. today though he came straight to my place after work and neither of us could really be bothered driving anymore. we just decided to hang out in my bedroom and re-watch some got.
we were snuggled up in bed together, and after an episode or two, we started making out a little, which quickly lead to the removal of clothing. a little while later we were getting pretty into it. we kept quiet of course, but it wasn't the softest sex we've ever had.
all of a sudden, my dad knocked on the door. i quickly yelled "hold on!" but it was too late because the door was already swinging open. yeah, he's one of those people. i don't know what the fuck happened, but both me and my boyfriend just completely froze in position. it would've been slightly less disastrous if we'd pulled the covers over ourselves or something... *anything*, but nope, frozen doggy style and in full view.
my dad half-stepped in and said "there's beef and gra-"
eye contact.
fuck. i can't even describe the look that was on his face, though i'm sure it mirrored my own. absolute pure, unadulterated terror. it was probably only a second max, but it felt like a fucking eternity that everybody in the room was just completely frozen. after the second it took for him to wrap his mind around what he'd just walked in on he fled pretty fuckin' quick though. i heard his voice say "...shit" as he hurried back down the hallway.
fuck's sake. i can't believe we didn't lock the door. my dad didn't talk to me for like 3 months when i first came out to him years ago, so i'm pretty sure we're never going to speak again now that he walked in on me balls deep in my boyfriend.
needless to say, we did not finish, and we did not join my parents in the kitchen for some beef and gravy. we were both pretty keen to drive afterwards though because there was no fucking *way* we were staying at my house after that.
i plan to stay at my boyfriend's place until he's absolutely sick of me to the point of it potentially ruining our relationship. i'm just not sure i can ever look my dad in the eye again without experiencing terrible flashbacks.
|
made eye contact with my slightly homophobic father while i was balls deep in my boyfriend. terror, so much terror.
|
having sex at dinner time
|
[
"okay so usually when we're together, my boyfriend",
"and i spend most nights at his place. i still",
"live with my family so it's just easier on",
"everybody for us to have a place to ourselves.",
"today though he came straight to my place after",
"work and neither of us could really be bothered",
"driving anymore. we just decided to hang out in",
"my bedroom and re-watch some got.",
"we were snuggled up in bed together, and after an",
"episode or two, we started making out a little,",
"which quickly lead to the removal of clothing. a",
"little while later we were getting pretty into",
"it. we kept quiet of course, but it wasn't the",
"softest sex we've ever had.",
"all of a sudden, my dad knocked on the door. i",
"quickly yelled \"hold on!\" but it was too late",
"because the door was already swinging open. yeah,",
"he's one of those people. i don't know what the",
"fuck happened, but both me and my boyfriend just",
"completely froze in position. it would've been",
"slightly less disastrous if we'd pulled the",
"covers over ourselves or something... *anything*,",
"but nope, frozen doggy style and in full view.",
"my dad half-stepped in and said \"there's beef and",
"gra-\"",
"eye contact.",
"fuck. i can't even describe the look that was on",
"his face, though i'm sure it mirrored my own.",
"absolute pure, unadulterated terror. it was",
"probably only a second max, but it felt like a",
"fucking eternity that everybody in the room was",
"just completely frozen. after the second it took",
"for him to wrap his mind around what he'd just",
"walked in on he fled pretty fuckin' quick though.",
"i heard his voice say \"...shit\" as he hurried",
"back down the hallway.",
"fuck's sake. i can't believe we didn't lock the",
"door. my dad didn't talk to me for like 3 months",
"when i first came out to him years ago, so i'm",
"pretty sure we're never going to speak again now",
"that he walked in on me balls deep in my",
"boyfriend.",
"needless to say, we did not finish, and we did",
"not join my parents in the kitchen for some beef",
"and gravy. we were both pretty keen to drive",
"afterwards though because there was no fucking",
"*way* we were staying at my house after that.",
"i plan to stay at my boyfriend's place until he's",
"absolutely sick of me to the point of it",
"potentially ruining our relationship. i'm just",
"not sure i can ever look my dad in the eye again",
"without experiencing terrible flashbacks."
] |
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] |
eye contact. that he walked in on me balls deep in my boyfriend.
|
80 | 11 | 0.85 | 80 |
(this actually happened several years ago, but i am still laughing at this experience).
it was a hot summer day back in high school. hormones were raging, and me and my boyfriend were looking for a place to get sexy. we finally found a place down what we thought was not a well traveled trail. just to be safe we wandered about 10 yards off the trail, then things started getting hot and sweaty. then, i start getting licked by not one, but two dogs. i hear an old women shriek, and realize "oh cool, this trail is more well traveled than we thought" as i make eye contact with an elderly man and woman innocently out waling their dogs. of course, at that exact moment, my boyfriends looses it. he's orgasming, i'm trying my best to camouflage into the forest undergrowth, the old man is snickering, and the old lady looks like she was having a myocardial infarction.
to top it all off, the next day i counted 53 mosquito bites all over my body.
|
took bf's virginity, got licked by dogs, permanently scarred an old woman, gave an old man a good laugh, and got eaten alive by mosquitos.
|
taking my bfs virginity.
|
[
"(this actually happened several years ago, but i",
"am still laughing at this experience).",
"it was a hot summer day back in high school.",
"hormones were raging, and me and my boyfriend",
"were looking for a place to get sexy. we finally",
"found a place down what we thought was not a well",
"traveled trail. just to be safe we wandered about",
"10 yards off the trail, then things started",
"getting hot and sweaty. then, i start getting",
"licked by not one, but two dogs. i hear an old",
"women shriek, and realize \"oh cool, this trail is",
"more well traveled than we thought\" as i make eye",
"contact with an elderly man and woman innocently",
"out waling their dogs. of course, at that exact",
"moment, my boyfriends looses it. he's orgasming,",
"i'm trying my best to camouflage into the forest",
"undergrowth, the old man is snickering, and the",
"old lady looks like she was having a myocardial",
"infarction.",
"to top it all off, the next day i counted 53",
"mosquito bites all over my body."
] |
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licked by not one, but two dogs. i hear an old undergrowth, the old man is snickering, and the
|
31 | 20 | 0.82 | 31 |
my kid was running around with a knife, while i was cooking. apparently he was 'playfighting' his words not mine. he ran with the knife straight into my leg and embedded half of it in. then because i"m retarded, and for some reason my brain tells me the logical thing to do is chisel it out with another knife. now im stuck here on my phone waiting for emergency services with 2 knives in my leg.
the point is i had a shit day.
|
had a knife in my leg and decided to chisel it out with another knife = 2 knives stuck in my leg.
|
leaving knives unattended in the kitchen.
|
[
"my kid was running around with a knife, while i",
"was cooking. apparently he was 'playfighting' his",
"words not mine. he ran with the knife straight",
"into my leg and embedded half of it in. then",
"because i\"m retarded, and for some reason my",
"brain tells me the logical thing to do is chisel",
"it out with another knife. now im stuck here on",
"my phone waiting for emergency services with 2",
"knives in my leg.",
"the point is i had a shit day."
] |
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] |
it out with another knife. now im stuck here on knives in my leg.
|
50 | 13 | 0.79 | 50 |
seeing a lot of tifups that happen to be not today, and sometimes years ago. do you understand my pain when the title says today and then in the text they're all. loljk it was a decade ago. i still enjoy these stories, but because i'm a stickler for rules, i figured an official exception could be made for thursdays. tbtftw
of course if you fuck up on a thursday then you're fucked and have to wait til next thursday. just joshin.
if no one agrees its all good i'll just go fuck myself.
hooray for not being downvoted into oblivion! i'm mostly joking about being a stickler for rules, as some pointed out there really aren't any rules, i'm just referring to the name of the subreddit; and i'm not gonna say the subreddit is going to shit because this is one of my favorite subreddits. i'm just gonna say that if i remember a past fuckup i'm gonna post it on thursday and hashtag that bitch tbt!
but also, could be fun to just self moderate and do it if you want. i really won't care if you don't participate, i just love pulling together for fun times.
|
suck my cock ill murder your family.
|
anyone down for throwback thursdays?
|
[
"seeing a lot of tifups that happen to be not",
"today, and sometimes years ago. do you understand",
"my pain when the title says today and then in the",
"text they're all. loljk it was a decade ago. i",
"still enjoy these stories, but because i'm a",
"stickler for rules, i figured an official",
"exception could be made for thursdays. tbtftw",
"of course if you fuck up on a thursday then",
"you're fucked and have to wait til next thursday.",
"just joshin.",
"if no one agrees its all good i'll just go fuck",
"myself.",
"hooray for not being downvoted into oblivion! i'm",
"mostly joking about being a stickler for rules,",
"as some pointed out there really aren't any",
"rules, i'm just referring to the name of the",
"subreddit; and i'm not gonna say the subreddit is",
"going to shit because this is one of my favorite",
"subreddits. i'm just gonna say that if i remember",
"a past fuckup i'm gonna post it on thursday and",
"hashtag that bitch tbt!",
"but also, could be fun to just self moderate and",
"do it if you want. i really won't care if you",
"don't participate, i just love pulling together",
"for fun times."
] |
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my pain when the title says today and then in the
|
93 | 22 | 0.92 | 93 |
so this undeniably shit day started out around 6am.
i began to wake up with a slight but sharp pain coming from toes, moving from toe to toe like some little pin pricks, after a few seconds of this i was wide awake and instinctively wanted to find out what the hell this was so i sat up in the fashion of a horror movie and in doing so, sat up so fast and jerked my head forward with such enthusiasm that i ripped a muscle in my neck and immediately fell back down in excruciating pain. i've broken a few bones in my time and i thought in my still half asleep pain filled brain that i had broken my neck or at least shaved a section off of a cervical vertebrae. before i go any further i should mention that it was my cat biting my toes which were dangling blissfully from the end of my bed, anyways...
i put to rest the idea that i had broken something as i didn't have any change of sensation in my limbs and decided to sleep it off, so i lay absolutely still for the next 12 hours. until i had to get up and go get ready/ go for a piss. boom! i could not possibly move for the pain, i was paralysed by it, fuck i thought as i lay there in my (quite comfy) bed. after a good 20 minutes of trying i manned up, gritted my teeth and threw my self out of bed and immediately fell to my knees in pain.
after a quick thought of what would reddit say i threw on some clothes, chewed a couple of mints, meandered slowly to the landline and called a taxi to take me to hospital and gingerly walked outside like a 1950's sci-fi robot, being completely unable to move my upper body for fear of excruciating pain. after 3 hours of ridiculous pain and tedium i was seen by a doctor and was given some codeine, ibuprofen & paracetamol and told its gonna get worse before it gets better and essentially to suck it up.
it's 18 hours from the even and i still can't move my head in any meaningful fashion. today was not a good day.
|
woke up, sat up, ripped neck from the inside, pain like a broken bone :/
|
waking up to vigorously
|
[
"so this undeniably shit day started out around",
"6am.",
"i began to wake up with a slight but sharp pain",
"coming from toes, moving from toe to toe like",
"some little pin pricks, after a few seconds of",
"this i was wide awake and instinctively wanted to",
"find out what the hell this was so i sat up in",
"the fashion of a horror movie and in doing so,",
"sat up so fast and jerked my head forward with",
"such enthusiasm that i ripped a muscle in my neck",
"and immediately fell back down in excruciating",
"pain. i've broken a few bones in my time and i",
"thought in my still half asleep pain filled brain",
"that i had broken my neck or at least shaved a",
"section off of a cervical vertebrae. before i go",
"any further i should mention that it was my cat",
"biting my toes which were dangling blissfully",
"from the end of my bed, anyways...",
"i put to rest the idea that i had broken",
"something as i didn't have any change of",
"sensation in my limbs and decided to sleep it",
"off, so i lay absolutely still for the next 12",
"hours. until i had to get up and go get ready/ go",
"for a piss. boom! i could not possibly move for",
"the pain, i was paralysed by it, fuck i thought",
"as i lay there in my (quite comfy) bed. after a",
"good 20 minutes of trying i manned up, gritted my",
"teeth and threw my self out of bed and",
"immediately fell to my knees in pain.",
"after a quick thought of what would reddit say i",
"threw on some clothes, chewed a couple of mints,",
"meandered slowly to the landline and called a",
"taxi to take me to hospital and gingerly walked",
"outside like a 1950's sci-fi robot, being",
"completely unable to move my upper body for fear",
"of excruciating pain. after 3 hours of ridiculous",
"pain and tedium i was seen by a doctor and was",
"given some codeine, ibuprofen & paracetamol and",
"told its gonna get worse before it gets better",
"and essentially to suck it up.",
"it's 18 hours from the even and i still can't",
"move my head in any meaningful fashion. today was",
"not a good day."
] |
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from the end of my bed, anyways... outside like a 1950's sci-fi robot, being
|
24 | 6 | 0.83 | 24 |
a little over a month ago we adopted a cat from the shelter who had previously had ear mites. they were cleared up with revolution, and the vet said to clean out we ears and the gross bits inside with q tips to make sure they weren't coming back.
so here i am in my bathroom trying to clean out my cat's ears (which is hard enough) then she does the violent-cat-head-shake.
bam ear mites and/or random brown crust and shit in my eye.
i have a midterm today. rushed to the doctor by my house. doctor: "that's the worst story i've heard all day"
he put some yellow shit in my eye and told me i'd be okay and have me a prescription in case it discharges....great.
|
cleaned cat's ears and ended up with mites in my goddamn eye and ended up as the worst story the doctor had all day.
|
trying to be a good pet owner
|
[
"a little over a month ago we adopted a cat from",
"the shelter who had previously had ear mites.",
"they were cleared up with revolution, and the vet",
"said to clean out we ears and the gross bits",
"inside with q tips to make sure they weren't",
"coming back.",
"so here i am in my bathroom trying to clean out",
"my cat's ears (which is hard enough) then she",
"does the violent-cat-head-shake.",
"bam ear mites and/or random brown crust and shit",
"in my eye.",
"i have a midterm today. rushed to the doctor by",
"my house. doctor: \"that's the worst story i've",
"heard all day\"",
"he put some yellow shit in my eye and told me i'd",
"be okay and have me a prescription in case it",
"discharges....great."
] |
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in my eye. my house. doctor: "that's the worst story i've heard all day"
|
321 | 66 | 0.84 | 321 |
my current bf is the first guy i've had any sexual experience with, he however is not new to the act so i tend to feel obligated to go all out, be a bit aggressive and playful, talk dirty, the works, just really make it a wonderful experience that doesn't highlight the fact that i'm new at it. so today we were on round 2 and i was being extra rough like he likes, nails in his back, pulling his hair, i was on top and i got a little too into it and mid-thrust tried to quickly change my position of my arms, since i was distracted by the current "ooh la la" feelings i neglected to see that he had moved his head to the side of where he had it moments before. his mouth was open in a gasp when my arm smacked into the bottom of his chin, snapping his mouth shut hard with a terrible sound. he has a lot of trouble with tooth pain anyway so minus the groins it was pretty much the worse place to hit him. needless to say, sexy time ended instantly, my moment of feeling so sexy turned to a walk of shame down the hall to make sure the poor fellow was okay.
|
trying to be rough during sexy time, ended up snapping my bf's mouth shut while repositioning myself causing him severe pain. smooth, real smooth.
|
trying to be rough during sexy time.
|
[
"my current bf is the first guy i've had any sexual",
"experience with, he however is not new to the act",
"so i tend to feel obligated to go all out, be a",
"bit aggressive and playful, talk dirty, the",
"works, just really make it a wonderful experience",
"that doesn't highlight the fact that i'm new at",
"it. so today we were on round 2 and i was being",
"extra rough like he likes, nails in his back,",
"pulling his hair, i was on top and i got a little",
"too into it and mid-thrust tried to quickly",
"change my position of my arms, since i was",
"distracted by the current \"ooh la la\" feelings i",
"neglected to see that he had moved his head to",
"the side of where he had it moments before. his",
"mouth was open in a gasp when my arm smacked into",
"the bottom of his chin, snapping his mouth shut",
"hard with a terrible sound. he has a lot of",
"trouble with tooth pain anyway so minus the",
"groins it was pretty much the worse place to hit",
"him. needless to say, sexy time ended instantly,",
"my moment of feeling so sexy turned to a walk of",
"shame down the hall to make sure the poor fellow",
"was okay."
] |
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the bottom of his chin, snapping his mouth shut him. needless to say, sexy time ended instantly,
|
26 | 6 | 0.85 | 26 |
i'm a busboy in a restaurant where we give kids crayons and something to color while they wait for their food. when some kids left, i cleaned the table, as per usual, but i accidentally left some of the crayons at the bottom of one of the pockets of my apron.
as soon as i get off and go home, i throw my uniform (apron included) into the washer to wash.
no biggie right? well it turns out, i missed a few blue crayons when emptying the pockets. to my horror, when i pulled the load of clothes out (my siblings school uniforms were also in there) i saw that the crayons had slipped out of the apron and melted from the heat of the dryer. all over everyone's clothes.
|
cleaned up after some screaming fuck trophies, stained a whole load of laundry smurf-cum blue.
|
leaving crayons in my apron.
|
[
"i'm a busboy in a restaurant where we give kids",
"crayons and something to color while they wait",
"for their food. when some kids left, i cleaned",
"the table, as per usual, but i accidentally left",
"some of the crayons at the bottom of one of the",
"pockets of my apron.",
"as soon as i get off and go home, i throw my",
"uniform (apron included) into the washer to wash.",
"no biggie right? well it turns out, i missed a",
"few blue crayons when emptying the pockets. to my",
"horror, when i pulled the load of clothes out (my",
"siblings school uniforms were also in there) i",
"saw that the crayons had slipped out of the apron",
"and melted from the heat of the dryer. all over",
"everyone's clothes."
] |
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] |
for their food. when some kids left, i cleaned horror, when i pulled the load of clothes out (my
|
20 | 11 | 0.78 | 20 |
so i'm currently in teacher's college and i'm on my last placement block.
long story short, my printer at home died so i gmail'd myself my lesson plan, and intended to print it at school in the morning when i got there.
i ask my associate teacher to enter her login information so i could access the internet on the classroom computer.
she does, and remains hovering over me. i didn't think anything of it.
so i type in "gmail.com" and go to my inbox.
i had multiple replies from emails i had used to send naked pictures to my fwb (friend with benefits). the first few inbox replies had subject lines such as: "my wet, naked body just for you", "what you'll cum home to", and "just a little something to get you through your long shift ;)".
i attempted to click my lesson plan email really quickly, but i suspect my teacher saw, because she turned around and walked away kind of abruptly.
|
sent myself an email lesson plan, my "teaching boss" watched me access it and i had "sexy/dirty" subject lines in my inbox from sending naked pictures
|
having "my wet, naked body just for you" as the subject line of an email in my inbox
|
[
"so i'm currently in teacher's college and i'm on",
"my last placement block.",
"long story short, my printer at home died so i",
"gmail'd myself my lesson plan, and intended to",
"print it at school in the morning when i got",
"there.",
"i ask my associate teacher to enter her login",
"information so i could access the internet on the",
"classroom computer.",
"she does, and remains hovering over me. i didn't",
"think anything of it.",
"so i type in \"gmail.com\" and go to my inbox.",
"i had multiple replies from emails i had used to",
"send naked pictures to my fwb (friend with",
"benefits). the first few inbox replies had",
"subject lines such as: \"my wet, naked body just",
"for you\", \"what you'll cum home to\", and \"just a",
"little something to get you through your long",
"shift ;)\".",
"i attempted to click my lesson plan email really",
"quickly, but i suspect my teacher saw, because",
"she turned around and walked away kind of",
"abruptly."
] |
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gmail'd myself my lesson plan, and intended to so i type in "gmail.com" and go to my inbox. i had multiple replies from emails i had used to subject lines such as: "my wet, naked body just
|
20 | 18 | 0.83 | 20 |
due to the fact that this is super fucking embarrassing i had to make a throwaway account..
so our entire apartment complex was notified of an inspection that was going to take place today. and as normal i procrastinated cleaning until this morning at 7am an hour before my landlord said he was going to show up. i hadn't slept yet and i was literally running on zero sleep. so i figured i'd make a pot of coffee, stay up until the landlord came by, and then pass out as soon as he left. first bad idea was drinking 4 cups of coffee. i could feel and hear the rumble in my stomach as i sitting downstairs waiting for my landlord to show up. then it hit me..hard. coffee shits... you know what i'm talking about. i ran upstairs as fast as i could pulled down my pants and began to take the loudest rankest shit that i have ever had in my entire life. so bad that i was moaning pretty loud..you know the feel. after what seemed like an eternity.. i look up and see someone out of the corner of my eye...yep.. my fucking landlord and maintenance guy standing there...fml. i guess in between my farts and moans i didn't hear my landlord and maintenance guy come in.
|
had way too much coffee which resulted in coffee shits. landlord and maintenance guy walk in on me taking the most epic shit ever. fml.
|
drinking coffee..
|
[
"due to the fact that this is super fucking",
"embarrassing i had to make a throwaway account..",
"so our entire apartment complex was notified of",
"an inspection that was going to take place today.",
"and as normal i procrastinated cleaning until",
"this morning at 7am an hour before my landlord",
"said he was going to show up. i hadn't slept yet",
"and i was literally running on zero sleep. so i",
"figured i'd make a pot of coffee, stay up until",
"the landlord came by, and then pass out as soon",
"as he left. first bad idea was drinking 4 cups of",
"coffee. i could feel and hear the rumble in my",
"stomach as i sitting downstairs waiting for my",
"landlord to show up. then it hit me..hard. coffee",
"shits... you know what i'm talking about. i ran",
"upstairs as fast as i could pulled down my pants",
"and began to take the loudest rankest shit that i",
"have ever had in my entire life. so bad that i",
"was moaning pretty loud..you know the feel. after",
"what seemed like an eternity.. i look up and see",
"someone out of the corner of my eye...yep.. my",
"fucking landlord and maintenance guy standing",
"there...fml. i guess in between my farts and",
"moans i didn't hear my landlord and maintenance",
"guy come in."
] |
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coffee. i could feel and hear the rumble in my fucking landlord and maintenance guy standing
|
47 | 17 | 0.85 | 47 |
i came home late sunday night from volunteering at the nikes women's half marathon in dc. i ate some dinner and went to bed. it was raining all day on monday so i spent the day home applying to jobs. i just recently finished up my last class over the weekend and i am graduating next month so my priorities are to find work.
tuesday morning i get into my car to go get a hair cut and i noticed that my center armrest was wide open....and empty. i was a bit confused because i don't remember taking anything out of the car. i checked other areas of the car and everything was still there: oakleys, ez-pass, all documents in my glove compartment, and football cleats. i open my trunk and my bag of gym clothes and my case of monster drinks were gone. i went back inside my house to make sure i didn't randomly bring things inside and had forgotten about it. nothing was in the house.
my conclusion is that i left my car unlocked (despite out of habit always pressing that lock button on my key fob) and am extremely embarrassed with myself for forgetting to do this. i'm baffled that it only took one rainy day for my 160gb ipod (completely full), gps, charging cables and mount to all get taken out of my car in my drive way.
|
my ipod, gps, all associated charging cables and adapters, gym workout bag, and case of monster drinks were stolen out of my car in a rich white people neighborhood.
|
leaving my car unlocked
|
[
"i came home late sunday night from volunteering at",
"the nikes women's half marathon in dc. i ate",
"some dinner and went to bed. it was raining all",
"day on monday so i spent the day home applying to",
"jobs. i just recently finished up my last class",
"over the weekend and i am graduating next month",
"so my priorities are to find work.",
"tuesday morning i get into my car to go get a",
"hair cut and i noticed that my center armrest was",
"wide open....and empty. i was a bit confused",
"because i don't remember taking anything out of",
"the car. i checked other areas of the car and",
"everything was still there: oakleys, ez-pass, all",
"documents in my glove compartment, and football",
"cleats. i open my trunk and my bag of gym",
"clothes and my case of monster drinks were gone.",
"i went back inside my house to make sure i didn't",
"randomly bring things inside and had forgotten",
"about it. nothing was in the house.",
"my conclusion is that i left my car unlocked",
"(despite out of habit always pressing that lock",
"button on my key fob) and am extremely",
"embarrassed with myself for forgetting to do",
"this. i'm baffled that it only took one rainy",
"day for my 160gb ipod (completely full), gps,",
"charging cables and mount to all get taken out of",
"my car in my drive way."
] |
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clothes and my case of monster drinks were gone. charging cables and mount to all get taken out of my car in my drive way.
|
7 | 9 | 0.64 | 7 |
well actually this was a few years ago
so i was a sophomore in high school and i went to a school that had a real deal soccer team, who happened to be playing our rival school in the state finals one fine friday evening.
so because i think i'm cool hanging out with some of my upperclassmen friends i decide to join them in drinking copious amounts of cuervo.
well fast forward to after i've been screaming obscenities at the players on the field for about 20 minutes (so so subtle), i decide its high time to make a run to the bathroom, so without thinking to have a friend join me in navigating the sea of people between the concession stand and myself, i just stumble carelessly through hordes of bodies, incoherent to the frustration of these people.
so i suppose i looked a bit suspicious during this trip and immediately after i resumed my place in the stands to scream like a jackass i feel a tap on my shoulder. i turn around to find myself about 18 inches from my principle's face along with a police officer. they proceed to ask me to recite the alphabet, where i slur the tune, "a b c d e f g... w x y z"
so next thing i know i'm sitting across from my principal, who is on the phone with my crying mother, and in one final apex of self-loathing i projectile vomit onto the floor and desk of my principal, who screams into the phone in surprise to my mother.
i passed out in the car on the way home and just stayed there until i woke up about 5 hours later.
|
i got fucked up for a soccer game and projectile vomited all over my principle's office
|
drinking tequila
|
[
"well actually this was a few years ago",
"so i was a sophomore in high school and i went to",
"a school that had a real deal soccer team, who",
"happened to be playing our rival school in the",
"state finals one fine friday evening.",
"so because i think i'm cool hanging out with some",
"of my upperclassmen friends i decide to join them",
"in drinking copious amounts of cuervo.",
"well fast forward to after i've been screaming",
"obscenities at the players on the field for about",
"20 minutes (so so subtle), i decide its high time",
"to make a run to the bathroom, so without",
"thinking to have a friend join me in navigating",
"the sea of people between the concession stand",
"and myself, i just stumble carelessly through",
"hordes of bodies, incoherent to the frustration",
"of these people.",
"so i suppose i looked a bit suspicious during",
"this trip and immediately after i resumed my",
"place in the stands to scream like a jackass i",
"feel a tap on my shoulder. i turn around to find",
"myself about 18 inches from my principle's face",
"along with a police officer. they proceed to ask",
"me to recite the alphabet, where i slur the tune,",
"\"a b c d e f g... w x y z\"",
"so next thing i know i'm sitting across from my",
"principal, who is on the phone with my crying",
"mother, and in one final apex of self-loathing i",
"projectile vomit onto the floor and desk of my",
"principal, who screams into the phone in surprise",
"to my mother.",
"i passed out in the car on the way home and just",
"stayed there until i woke up about 5 hours later."
] |
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] |
so i was a sophomore in high school and i went to myself about 18 inches from my principle's face
|
51 | 5 | 0.93 | 51 |
so, i have this chilli plant in my kitchen, and these bastards are hot. the day i bought it i tried one just as i was about to drive home. it blew my face off and i felt like i was driving drunk. when ever i use them, i have to scrape the seeds out...unless i want nuclear food. i once chopped one up, didn't wash my hands properly, and later that evening i rubbed my eye. it straight up felt like my eye was melting.
last night i cooked some dinner for my so and i, and included a chopped up chilli. now, i did wash my hands, but failed to properly scrub with the nail brush to get all the capsicum off.
fast forward to naked time with the gf...
"is there something on your fingers?"
"no, why?"
"something stings"
"ah...."
|
i accidentally chilli fingered my girlfriend.
|
forgetting to wash my hands...
|
[
"so, i have this chilli plant in my kitchen, and",
"these bastards are hot. the day i bought it i",
"tried one just as i was about to drive home. it",
"blew my face off and i felt like i was driving",
"drunk. when ever i use them, i have to scrape the",
"seeds out...unless i want nuclear food. i once",
"chopped one up, didn't wash my hands properly,",
"and later that evening i rubbed my eye. it",
"straight up felt like my eye was melting.",
"last night i cooked some dinner for my so and i,",
"and included a chopped up chilli. now, i did wash",
"my hands, but failed to properly scrub with the",
"nail brush to get all the capsicum off.",
"fast forward to naked time with the gf...",
"\"is there something on your fingers?\"",
"\"no, why?\"\n\n\"something stings\"\n\n\"ah....\""
] |
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so, i have this chilli plant in my kitchen, and
|
176 | 16 | 1 | 176 |
so today as i was mowing the grass at my house (note: i live on a lake with a large hill leading into it) i began like any other time by putting in my ipod. i finished the top half of the yard and was moving onto the hill oblivious to everything when suddenly my legs began to feel wet. i looked down(mower still running) and realized i had annihilated a big bullfrog. mortified, i then tried to hurry down the hill mowing when i slipped in the remains of the frog. as i was falling forward i pushed the new mower into the lake.
|
i mowed a bullfrog, fell down a hill and drowned my new lawnmower.
|
mowing the grass
|
[
"so today as i was mowing the grass at my house",
"(note: i live on a lake with a large hill leading",
"into it) i began like any other time by putting",
"in my ipod. i finished the top half of the yard",
"and was moving onto the hill oblivious to",
"everything when suddenly my legs began to feel",
"wet. i looked down(mower still running) and",
"realized i had annihilated a big bullfrog.",
"mortified, i then tried to hurry down the hill",
"mowing when i slipped in the remains of the frog.",
"as i was falling forward i pushed the new mower",
"into the lake."
] |
[
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0
] |
and was moving onto the hill oblivious to realized i had annihilated a big bullfrog.
|
44 | 21 | 0.75 | 44 |
alright so i'm in spanish class and the girl who sits next to me is a very open lesbian (not that i have any problem with that we're actually pretty friendly)
so she began talking to me about her homosexual relationship problems, and as i'm just sitting there listening to her, and in a blaze of absent minded ignorance i blurt out "gosh, that is soooo gay"
needless to say she went berserk and made me feel like the most bigoted ignorant jackass (which i probably am) while the entire class just grilleddddd me.
|
i told a lesbian her relationship problems were gay
|
listening to a lesbians problems
|
[
"alright so i'm in spanish class and the girl who",
"sits next to me is a very open lesbian (not that",
"i have any problem with that we're actually",
"pretty friendly)",
"so she began talking to me about her homosexual",
"relationship problems, and as i'm just sitting",
"there listening to her, and in a blaze of absent",
"minded ignorance i blurt out \"gosh, that is soooo",
"gay\"",
"needless to say she went berserk and made me feel",
"like the most bigoted ignorant jackass (which i",
"probably am) while the entire class just",
"grilleddddd me."
] |
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relationship problems, and as i'm just sitting gay"
|
758 | 72 | 0.93 | 758 |
so i got home and the window cleaners were in the neighbourhood. i really needed a piss, so as soon as the guy had been paid i went upstairs to the bathroom to relieve myself. the blinds were open (you can see where this is going), but i thought; "meh, he'll start downstairs at the front" and besides the it's that kind of warped glass that distorts the light so you can't see through clearly. 30 seconds later, and i saw nothing other than the window cleaner's ladder appear outside, and heard footsteps on the rungs. the floodgates were open; there was no way i was holding back this piss. i decided to frantically try and close the blinds instead (the toilet is right next to the window). this was where the shit hit the fan. about the worst posssible thing happened: the blind cord jammed halfway, and as i struggled desperately with the cord my trousers (that would be pants) fell down as the guy's head appeared outside. in a last ditch effort to preserve my dignity, i dropped to the ground, and spent the next minute or so hiding under the sink in shame with my trousers around my legs to the sound of them laughing and taking the ladder down before deciding to start somewhere else. oh, and i got piss all over my socks.
|
couldn't hold in a piss, blinds got stuck, window cleaner saw my dick, hid under the sink in shame.
|
accidentally flashing my dick at the window cleaner
|
[
"so i got home and the window cleaners were in the",
"neighbourhood. i really needed a piss, so as soon",
"as the guy had been paid i went upstairs to the",
"bathroom to relieve myself. the blinds were open",
"(you can see where this is going), but i thought;",
"\"meh, he'll start downstairs at the front\" and",
"besides the it's that kind of warped glass that",
"distorts the light so you can't see through",
"clearly. 30 seconds later, and i saw nothing",
"other than the window cleaner's ladder appear",
"outside, and heard footsteps on the rungs. the",
"floodgates were open; there was no way i was",
"holding back this piss. i decided to frantically",
"try and close the blinds instead (the toilet is",
"right next to the window). this was where the",
"shit hit the fan. about the worst posssible thing",
"happened: the blind cord jammed halfway, and as i",
"struggled desperately with the cord my trousers",
"(that would be pants) fell down as the guy's head",
"appeared outside. in a last ditch effort to",
"preserve my dignity, i dropped to the ground, and",
"spent the next minute or so hiding under the sink",
"in shame with my trousers around my legs to the",
"sound of them laughing and taking the ladder down",
"before deciding to start somewhere else. oh, and",
"i got piss all over my socks."
] |
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] |
spent the next minute or so hiding under the sink in shame with my trousers around my legs to the
|
12 | 4 | 0.84 | 12 |
long day of teaching was finally out of the way and i decided to hop in the shower before correcting. i get in the shower and everything is going swell. arms: check. legs: check. downtown: check. my uptown girls: check. then i go to shave. i grab the razor in a haphazard motion from the ledge and quickly bring my arm back across my body. i felt a tinge, but i ignored it at first thinking i was wrong. so i shaved some and then i looked down and my worst idea had happened: i nicked my nipple with the razor. blood was everywhere. i literally shaved off the skin from one side of my nipple by being a little overzealous with a razor in my worn-out state. in my panic, i somehow coaxed it to stop bleeding so much. thinking i was a genius, i decided to masturbate. i had to stop because the force i often use when i get down to business opened up the wound and blood was dripping on my arm the whole time from my nipple. apparently, nipple blood isn't a fetish of mine.
|
: til nipples bleed profusely.
|
in the shower
|
[
"long day of teaching was finally out of the way",
"and i decided to hop in the shower before",
"correcting. i get in the shower and everything is",
"going swell. arms: check. legs: check. downtown:",
"check. my uptown girls: check. then i go to",
"shave. i grab the razor in a haphazard motion",
"from the ledge and quickly bring my arm back",
"across my body. i felt a tinge, but i ignored it",
"at first thinking i was wrong. so i shaved some",
"and then i looked down and my worst idea had",
"happened: i nicked my nipple with the razor.",
"blood was everywhere. i literally shaved off the",
"skin from one side of my nipple by being a little",
"overzealous with a razor in my worn-out state. in",
"my panic, i somehow coaxed it to stop bleeding so",
"much. thinking i was a genius, i decided to",
"masturbate. i had to stop because the force i",
"often use when i get down to business opened up",
"the wound and blood was dripping on my arm the",
"whole time from my nipple. apparently, nipple",
"blood isn't a fetish of mine."
] |
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39 | 7 | 0.79 | 39 |
so today in my highschool chemistry class we had an lab to do. so last night i emailed my teacher and asked if, just to be silly, i could bring in a gas mask to wear instead of safety glasses. she emails me back and gives me the ok as long as i don't wear it outside of the classroom.
here we are to this morning. now my day starts at a prompt 6:30 am and i get to school at 7:30 am even though it starts at 9:00 am because my parents are busy people. so when they let us in the building they put us in the cafeteria to wait for school to start because it's regulation. somewhere between that time and my 11:45 chemistry class i left the can shaped filter that screws onto the mask in the cafeteria. (i think it just dropped out or something) anyways so at about 10:30 i get called out of class to go to the on campus police officer's office, more commonly referred to as op. apparently they found the canister in the cafeteria and thought it was part of a bomb. of course it had my name on it in giant ass yellow letters so i couldn't deny it was mine.
once i arrive at op's office after being escorted by two other cops i had never seen before i get put in a chair and they search my bag. they find the usual papers, pens, gameboy, and then... gas mask. they look at me then back at the mask and ask where the bomb was. it took me the entirety of 10 minutes to convince them there was no bomb and that was the filter to the mask. once the bomb fuss is over, they wonder why the hell i brought a gas mask to school. i believe the exact question was, "what in the power of zeus would put the idea in your head to bring this?"
after explaining it to them and showing them the email i get a prompt apology i am given a high five for, "being awesome enough to own a gas mask" and returned to class. all in time to scare the crap out of my chem. class with the gas mask. but, they gave me the can filter back after school because they didn't want someone else thinking it was a bomb.
me in the mask lookin' epic.
http://i.imgur.com/snsissx.jpg?1
what the complete mask looks like.
http://i.imgur.com/omfwgqj.jpg
|
brought gas mask to school to be silly, with permission duh. campus cop finds part of it and thinks its a bomb. scared me shitless.
|
an attempt to be silly went horribly wrong.
|
[
"so today in my highschool chemistry class we had",
"an lab to do. so last night i emailed my teacher",
"and asked if, just to be silly, i could bring in",
"a gas mask to wear instead of safety glasses. she",
"emails me back and gives me the ok as long as i",
"don't wear it outside of the classroom.",
"here we are to this morning. now my day starts at",
"a prompt 6:30 am and i get to school at 7:30 am",
"even though it starts at 9:00 am because my",
"parents are busy people. so when they let us in",
"the building they put us in the cafeteria to wait",
"for school to start because it's regulation.",
"somewhere between that time and my 11:45",
"chemistry class i left the can shaped filter that",
"screws onto the mask in the cafeteria. (i think",
"it just dropped out or something) anyways so at",
"about 10:30 i get called out of class to go to",
"the on campus police officer's office, more",
"commonly referred to as op. apparently they found",
"the canister in the cafeteria and thought it was",
"part of a bomb. of course it had my name on it in",
"giant ass yellow letters so i couldn't deny it",
"was mine.",
"once i arrive at op's office after being escorted",
"by two other cops i had never seen before i get",
"put in a chair and they search my bag. they find",
"the usual papers, pens, gameboy, and then... gas",
"mask. they look at me then back at the mask and",
"ask where the bomb was. it took me the entirety",
"of 10 minutes to convince them there was no bomb",
"and that was the filter to the mask. once the",
"bomb fuss is over, they wonder why the hell i",
"brought a gas mask to school. i believe the exact",
"question was, \"what in the power of zeus would",
"put the idea in your head to bring this?\"",
"after explaining it to them and showing them the",
"email i get a prompt apology i am given a high",
"five for, \"being awesome enough to own a gas",
"mask\" and returned to class. all in time to scare",
"the crap out of my chem. class with the gas mask.",
"but, they gave me the can filter back after",
"school because they didn't want someone else",
"thinking it was a bomb.",
"me in the mask lookin' epic.",
"http://i.imgur.com/snsissx.jpg?1",
"what the complete mask looks like.",
"http://i.imgur.com/omfwgqj.jpg"
] |
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and asked if, just to be silly, i could bring in part of a bomb. of course it had my name on it in brought a gas mask to school. i believe the exact
|
49 | 16 | 0.84 | 49 |
so long time lurker first time poster. not really the worst fuck up but it sucked nonetheless.
i recently got a laptop and have been using it for about a week or so. now i have been having the same occurring problem where my internet connection would go from private to public on its own causing my internet to disconnect.
after much frustration and days of google searching and trying to fix it i decided to just call tech support. after a few minutes of talking the it guy said that the best thing to do was to reset my computer to factory setting. "ok" i though, this computer is only a week old how so i don't have anything important on it. so i restore it and continue on with my day and as i'm browsing the web it fucking hits me.
i had a four page essay on my laptop that is due tomorrow and my resume which i worked my ass off to make. so now here i am typing this story after redoing my essay (which is shit compared to the first draft) and just overall in a shitty mood.
|
i should really check before deleting everything on my computer.
|
restoring my computer.
|
[
"so long time lurker first time poster. not really",
"the worst fuck up but it sucked nonetheless.",
"i recently got a laptop and have been using it",
"for about a week or so. now i have been having",
"the same occurring problem where my internet",
"connection would go from private to public on its",
"own causing my internet to disconnect.",
"after much frustration and days of google",
"searching and trying to fix it i decided to just",
"call tech support. after a few minutes of talking",
"the it guy said that the best thing to do was to",
"reset my computer to factory setting. \"ok\" i",
"though, this computer is only a week old how so i",
"don't have anything important on it. so i restore",
"it and continue on with my day and as i'm",
"browsing the web it fucking hits me.",
"i had a four page essay on my laptop that is due",
"tomorrow and my resume which i worked my ass off",
"to make. so now here i am typing this story after",
"redoing my essay (which is shit compared to the",
"first draft) and just overall in a shitty mood."
] |
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] |
reset my computer to factory setting. "ok" i
|
20 | 14 | 0.89 | 20 |
**-tl;dr at the end-**
i left some eggs to boil and forgot about them for 2 hours because i was playing gta san andreas. i started to smell something burning but for some reason didn't get up. i was upstairs, and i was home alone, so somehow my initial thought was that the neighbors had fucked up a barbecue. so i *closed my goddamn window*. two hours had passed and i finally figured it was something inside my house. i got up, got out of my room and see that the entire house is full of smoke. visibility is about 90%. the smell of burnt *something* is filling the house and i run downstairs, half expecting to see a growing fire in my living room. thankfully it's just the eggs, and i was able to open up all the doors and windows as well as turn on all the fans while simultaneously running through the house fanning smoke out with a big dry-erase board.
all the windows and doors had been closed previously, so if i had taken the nap i had planned to take, who knows if i would've woken up?
the moral of the story is... set a damn timer on your eggs.
|
left eggs on the stove for two hours, almost died of smoke inhalation. all because i was preoccupied playing gta**
|
leaving the stove on. for two goddamn hours.
|
[
"**-tl;dr at the end-**",
"i left some eggs to boil and forgot about them",
"for 2 hours because i was playing gta san",
"andreas. i started to smell something burning but",
"for some reason didn't get up. i was upstairs,",
"and i was home alone, so somehow my initial",
"thought was that the neighbors had fucked up a",
"barbecue. so i *closed my goddamn window*. two",
"hours had passed and i finally figured it was",
"something inside my house. i got up, got out of",
"my room and see that the entire house is full of",
"smoke. visibility is about 90%. the smell of",
"burnt *something* is filling the house and i run",
"downstairs, half expecting to see a growing fire",
"in my living room. thankfully it's just the eggs,",
"and i was able to open up all the doors and",
"windows as well as turn on all the fans while",
"simultaneously running through the house fanning",
"smoke out with a big dry-erase board.",
"all the windows and doors had been closed",
"previously, so if i had taken the nap i had",
"planned to take, who knows if i would've woken",
"up?",
"the moral of the story is... set a damn timer on",
"your eggs."
] |
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] |
for 2 hours because i was playing gta san smoke. visibility is about 90%. the smell of your eggs.
|
81 | 48 | 0.88 | 81 |
so this weekend i went to a water park. i wore 100 spf sunblock and reapplied it mid-day (i never stayed wet and i never toweled off so usually i am fine).
now i am very, very pale. i am as white as they get. i wear the hell out of sunscreen and always have a bottle on me.
yesterday i had sun poisoning. pain, nausea, joint pain, blurred vision. all the normal things that happen when i spend a day in the sun. i actually had planned for it. it's like a sun hang over.
i knew my back was a little burnt because my shirt hurts to wear. so this morning i decided to exfoliate-toner-moisturize. i always do that when i get too much sun and it works. now i can't see my back. my mirror is off the wall while my vanity is being replaced.
so i grab my back brush, a soft brush with a handle and start. ahhhhhh oh god the pain. it was like i had a wire brush against my back. the sort you use for grills. that is what it felt like.
i rinsed it off with cool water and the pain mostly subsided.
so i get out of the cold shower and washed my face. i used the toner and tossed a bit on a soft rag. i contorted my arms to do my back. toner usually helps cool sunburns for me. no idea why, but it also helps the moisturizer absorb.
not today. it was like i was dripping hot metal down my back or candle wax. i fell on the floor and just had to breathe. it was the worst pain i've felt in my life.
so i finally get up and gently moisturize. i decide to look in the mirror at work.
yeah my back is bloody. it has cuts in it probably from the soft back brush. my skin is ruined. it's going to look like i was victim of a flaying for the rest of my life.
additionally, my computer chair at work goes up past my head so it is touching all day.
on the plus side, if this doesn't give me skin cancer nothing will.
|
; sun poisoning, skin is broken and bloody. put toner and moisturizer on it. feels bad. rest of me is ghost-white.
|
trying to treat a sunburn without ever looking at it.
|
[
"so this weekend i went to a water park. i wore 100",
"spf sunblock and reapplied it mid-day (i never",
"stayed wet and i never toweled off so usually i",
"am fine).",
"now i am very, very pale. i am as white as they",
"get. i wear the hell out of sunscreen and always",
"have a bottle on me.",
"yesterday i had sun poisoning. pain, nausea,",
"joint pain, blurred vision. all the normal things",
"that happen when i spend a day in the sun. i",
"actually had planned for it. it's like a sun hang",
"over.",
"i knew my back was a little burnt because my",
"shirt hurts to wear. so this morning i decided to",
"exfoliate-toner-moisturize. i always do that when",
"i get too much sun and it works. now i can't see",
"my back. my mirror is off the wall while my",
"vanity is being replaced.",
"so i grab my back brush, a soft brush with a",
"handle and start. ahhhhhh oh god the pain. it was",
"like i had a wire brush against my back. the sort",
"you use for grills. that is what it felt like.",
"i rinsed it off with cool water and the pain",
"mostly subsided.",
"so i get out of the cold shower and washed my",
"face. i used the toner and tossed a bit on a soft",
"rag. i contorted my arms to do my back. toner",
"usually helps cool sunburns for me. no idea why,",
"but it also helps the moisturizer absorb.",
"not today. it was like i was dripping hot metal",
"down my back or candle wax. i fell on the floor",
"and just had to breathe. it was the worst pain",
"i've felt in my life.",
"so i finally get up and gently moisturize. i",
"decide to look in the mirror at work.",
"yeah my back is bloody. it has cuts in it",
"probably from the soft back brush. my skin is",
"ruined. it's going to look like i was victim of a",
"flaying for the rest of my life.",
"additionally, my computer chair at work goes up",
"past my head so it is touching all day.",
"on the plus side, if this doesn't give me skin",
"cancer nothing will."
] |
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] |
yesterday i had sun poisoning. pain, nausea, face. i used the toner and tossed a bit on a soft flaying for the rest of my life.
|
0 | 6 | 0.47 | 0 |
so this way yesterday but never mind.
sunday july 16th and i set my alarm for 6:00am. got up and ready for airsoft at my local centre. all is good feeling great and refreshed but could tell a cold was coming along. :(
got dressed. i knew it was going to be a hot day so i planned my clothing accordingly - wicking shirt and running bottoms to keep the sweat off me. olive army shirt and army trousers, socks, boots and hoodie and to be tactical put on my chest rig. wanted to look awesome too so i put on my skull face balaclava and wore a cap.
got there for 9:25 am.
got kitted up with the guns and had a briefing. had a 500ml bottle of water. wasn't enough.
by 10:30 am it was beginning to get really warm and my hoodie was keeping the moisture in. starting to get pools of sweat inside my googles. couldn't see a thing, kept getting shot! was playing like a child.
we lost - because of me. fuck.
it gets to 11:30 am and i was beginning to feel slightly nauseated. not good. went to the car for some shade and a break. had another two bottles of water. sun was blaring down on me like satans curry shits.
put the ac on in the car. still to warm, sat in just my tee shirt. not good enough. told my team that i wasn't feeling well. thought it could be due to hunger, ate 2 hot dogs. not hunger, starting to feel sick. stayed in the car another hour whilst everyone was playing and kicking the fuck out of each other.
1:30 pm. threw my fucking guts out like the ganges on laundry day.
felt sort of ok, decided to play again, had a kit kat to boost my sugar, had another 3 bottles of water.
still not enough,
threw up again 10 minutes into playing. went back to the car
slept in the shade, felt ok
driving home and i was feeling really fucking sick. again!
pulled over. threw up all over the road. managed to get some of it into a bag.
got home and took a cold bath, slept in the bath, woke up and threw up in the water. sat in my own diluted puke and couldn't give a shit. felt like fucking death.
turn out i ended up getting heat stroke by wearing to many layers,
(today - monday 15th july)
feeling sort of ok. went to work today, throat feels like i took a fist to the neck and my head feels like its been smacked with a hammer.
|
played airsoft in 30 degree heat, wore too many layers because i was a pussy. didn't drink enough. causing me to get heat stroke. this causing me to throw up 4 times in the space of 3 hours! not good :(
|
playing airsoft in 30 degree heat.
|
[
"so this way yesterday but never mind.",
"sunday july 16th and i set my alarm for 6:00am.",
"got up and ready for airsoft at my local centre.",
"all is good feeling great and refreshed but could",
"tell a cold was coming along. :(",
"got dressed. i knew it was going to be a hot day",
"so i planned my clothing accordingly - wicking",
"shirt and running bottoms to keep the sweat off",
"me. olive army shirt and army trousers, socks,",
"boots and hoodie and to be tactical put on my",
"chest rig. wanted to look awesome too so i put on",
"my skull face balaclava and wore a cap.",
"got there for 9:25 am.",
"got kitted up with the guns and had a briefing.",
"had a 500ml bottle of water. wasn't enough.",
"by 10:30 am it was beginning to get really warm",
"and my hoodie was keeping the moisture in.",
"starting to get pools of sweat inside my googles.",
"couldn't see a thing, kept getting shot! was",
"playing like a child.",
"we lost - because of me. fuck.",
"it gets to 11:30 am and i was beginning to feel",
"slightly nauseated. not good. went to the car for",
"some shade and a break. had another two bottles",
"of water. sun was blaring down on me like satans",
"curry shits.",
"put the ac on in the car. still to warm, sat in",
"just my tee shirt. not good enough. told my team",
"that i wasn't feeling well. thought it could be",
"due to hunger, ate 2 hot dogs. not hunger,",
"starting to feel sick. stayed in the car another",
"hour whilst everyone was playing and kicking the",
"fuck out of each other.",
"1:30 pm. threw my fucking guts out like the",
"ganges on laundry day.",
"felt sort of ok, decided to play again, had a kit",
"kat to boost my sugar, had another 3 bottles of",
"water.",
"still not enough,",
"threw up again 10 minutes into playing. went back",
"to the car",
"slept in the shade, felt ok",
"driving home and i was feeling really fucking",
"sick. again!",
"pulled over. threw up all over the road. managed",
"to get some of it into a bag.",
"got home and took a cold bath, slept in the bath,",
"woke up and threw up in the water. sat in my own",
"diluted puke and couldn't give a shit. felt like",
"fucking death.",
"turn out i ended up getting heat stroke by",
"wearing to many layers,",
"(today - monday 15th july)",
"feeling sort of ok. went to work today, throat",
"feels like i took a fist to the neck and my head",
"feels like its been smacked with a hammer."
] |
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just my tee shirt. not good enough. told my team slept in the shade, felt ok to get some of it into a bag. turn out i ended up getting heat stroke by wearing to many layers,
|
480 | 228 | 0.86 | 480 |
i swear... i have the worst luck in the world.
ok, i'm tired, and i have a doppler in a couple hours. i'm not gonna do my usual wall of text. just a short post this time.
----------------------------
so i'm watching episode 17 of black butler. [the episode, if you're interested](http://www.dubbedonline.com/black-butler-episode-17-english-dub)
i reach a... fun part... and my dad walks in to show me a guitar i might like. *the yamaha 012 pacifica, light blue. i love it*
he sees the screen and simply says "the fuck kind of porn are you watching?" and walks out.
knowing him, there's no doubt he told the rest of my family just to be an asshole.
**fun. now my whole family probably thinks i watch hentai.**
-----------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------
edit: since everyone is asking... the timestamp is 12:17.
[and a non-dubbed youtube link](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiwljdrxjcy#t=12m0s)
have fun...
|
a sex scene showed up in an anime i was watching, and my dad (and probably the rest of my family) thinks it was hentai porn.
|
watching anime
|
[
"i swear... i have the worst luck in the world.",
"ok, i'm tired, and i have a doppler in a couple",
"hours. i'm not gonna do my usual wall of text.",
"just a short post this time.",
"----------------------------",
"so i'm watching episode 17 of black butler. [the",
"episode, if you're",
"interested](http://www.dubbedonline.com/black-but",
"ler-episode-17-english-dub)",
"i reach a... fun part... and my dad walks in to",
"show me a guitar i might like. *the yamaha 012",
"pacifica, light blue. i love it*",
"he sees the screen and simply says \"the fuck kind",
"of porn are you watching?\" and walks out.",
"knowing him, there's no doubt he told the rest of",
"my family just to be an asshole.",
"**fun. now my whole family probably thinks i",
"watch hentai.**",
"-----------------------------------------",
"-----------------------------------------",
"edit: since everyone is asking... the timestamp",
"is 12:17.",
"[and a non-dubbed youtube",
"link](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiwljdrxjcy#",
"t=12m0s)",
"have fun..."
] |
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i reach a... fun part... and my dad walks in to of porn are you watching?" and walks out. **fun. now my whole family probably thinks i
|
1,104 | 191 | 0.94 | 1,104 |
this actually happened a couple weeks ago, but i didn't even realize this subreddit existed. here's the story:
i (used to) work at popular pizza chain as a delivery driver. we get requests on receipts all the time, draw this, write a joke, write your favorite song, etc.
well, i had already clocked for the day and was bagging an order before i left. i noticed the ticket said "??" in the note line, and i thought "reminds me of the riddler.. i should write a riddle!" so i wrote the first one that came to mind, the classic "a rich man needs it, a poor man has it in excess, but if you eat me you'll surely die." the answer of course being "nothing"
here's the part that in hindsight i could've done better with (besides that riddle in the first place), i put each part of the riddle on a seperate box, so the last one had the "if you'll eat me you'll surely die" bit.
well, the customer got her order, and her children promptly freaked out, which freaked her out. she took pictures of the boxes, sent those to corporate, and the following day at work my manager sat me down to say, "this was a dumb choice, and it has a terrible outcome." after calling his boss, i got fired outright.
edit: would like to point out that the tl;dr is kind of misleading. i realize it was my fault for having written the riddle on there in the first place, and in the end, it's on me for getting fired. i kinda thought that was implied by the fact that i was posting to tifu though.
tl;dr2 - it was my fault, i know. just never would have thought a riddle would get me fired.
edit2: just got myself a new job and i start tomorrow! will not be writing anything on anyone's stuff ever again x.x
|
got fired because people don't understand a good riddle
|
got myself fired.... with a riddle.
|
[
"this actually happened a couple weeks ago, but i",
"didn't even realize this subreddit existed.",
"here's the story:",
"i (used to) work at popular pizza chain as a",
"delivery driver. we get requests on receipts all",
"the time, draw this, write a joke, write your",
"favorite song, etc.",
"well, i had already clocked for the day and was",
"bagging an order before i left. i noticed the",
"ticket said \"??\" in the note line, and i thought",
"\"reminds me of the riddler.. i should write a",
"riddle!\" so i wrote the first one that came to",
"mind, the classic \"a rich man needs it, a poor",
"man has it in excess, but if you eat me you'll",
"surely die.\" the answer of course being \"nothing\"",
"here's the part that in hindsight i could've done",
"better with (besides that riddle in the first",
"place), i put each part of the riddle on a",
"seperate box, so the last one had the \"if you'll",
"eat me you'll surely die\" bit.",
"well, the customer got her order, and her",
"children promptly freaked out, which freaked her",
"out. she took pictures of the boxes, sent those",
"to corporate, and the following day at work my",
"manager sat me down to say, \"this was a dumb",
"choice, and it has a terrible outcome.\" after",
"calling his boss, i got fired outright.",
"edit: would like to point out that the tl;dr is",
"kind of misleading. i realize it was my fault for",
"having written the riddle on there in the first",
"place, and in the end, it's on me for getting",
"fired. i kinda thought that was implied by the",
"fact that i was posting to tifu though.",
"tl;dr2 - it was my fault, i know. just never",
"would have thought a riddle would get me fired.",
"edit2: just got myself a new job and i start",
"tomorrow! will not be writing anything on",
"anyone's stuff ever again x.x"
] |
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calling his boss, i got fired outright. would have thought a riddle would get me fired.
|
171 | 44 | 0.94 | 171 |
well, it did not happen today, but a few months ago while on safari in maasai mara gamepark in kenya.
we had gone on a game drive into the wilderness. at one point we parked the van and went out to do a little bit of exploring. i wandered furthest and got to this tree which had an odd-looking object hanging high above on one of its branches. curiosity got the better of me so i picked a rock and hurled it at the 'object'. it dislodged and came tumbling down, hit the ground about 12 feet away from me and burst into a large ball of wild african bees. the loud buzzing sound was more than enough of a warning that i was about to be devoured by the [angriest and meanest bees in the whole world.]( http://phoenix.about.com/cs/desert/a/killerbees01.htm) instinctively i turned, ready to sprint back to the safety of the van before the bees could catch up with me.
about 20 feet from the van, i tripped and fell face first, onto a large nest of red ants. didn't have time to wipe them of my face since i knew the bees would cause a lot more damage if they caught up. my friends had already reached the van and were holding the door for me to jump in and then seal it. i managed to get in but two bees caught up and stung me on the side of the neck and my ear.
i don't know what hurt more, the numerous ants that i was trying to wipe of my face, or the sting on my neck and ear. so there i was, with a large swollen face, one ear larger than the other and a huge bump on my neck. my friends were having a seizure from laughing.
edit: paragraphs to reduce the eyesore.
|
i broke a beehive in the wilderness and fell on red ants while trying to get away from the bees.
|
hurling a rock at an object hanging on a tree
|
[
"well, it did not happen today, but a few months",
"ago while on safari in maasai mara gamepark in",
"kenya.",
"we had gone on a game drive into the wilderness.",
"at one point we parked the van and went out to do",
"a little bit of exploring. i wandered furthest",
"and got to this tree which had an odd-looking",
"object hanging high above on one of its branches.",
"curiosity got the better of me so i picked a rock",
"and hurled it at the 'object'. it dislodged and",
"came tumbling down, hit the ground about 12 feet",
"away from me and burst into a large ball of wild",
"african bees. the loud buzzing sound was more",
"than enough of a warning that i was about to be",
"devoured by the [angriest and meanest bees in the",
"whole world.](",
"http://phoenix.about.com/cs/desert/a/killerbees01",
".htm)",
"instinctively i turned, ready to sprint back to",
"the safety of the van before the bees could catch",
"up with me.",
"about 20 feet from the van, i tripped and fell",
"face first, onto a large nest of red ants. didn't",
"have time to wipe them of my face since i knew",
"the bees would cause a lot more damage if they",
"caught up. my friends had already reached the van",
"and were holding the door for me to jump in and",
"then seal it. i managed to get in but two bees",
"caught up and stung me on the side of the neck",
"and my ear.",
"i don't know what hurt more, the numerous ants",
"that i was trying to wipe of my face, or the",
"sting on my neck and ear. so there i was, with a",
"large swollen face, one ear larger than the other",
"and a huge bump on my neck. my friends were",
"having a seizure from laughing.",
"edit: paragraphs to reduce the eyesore."
] |
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] |
about 20 feet from the van, i tripped and fell then seal it. i managed to get in but two bees
|
888 | 169 | 0.97 | 888 |
this was about a month ago, but please don't hold that against me.
i was alone in my girlfriend's home a while she was off at work. i was rummaging through her bathroom drawers for some fingernail clippers when i came across her bottle of [nair hair removal lotion](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ljrjqo2egdc/tkh9ciww99i/aaaaaaaab08/fzepqadydsm/s1600/nair-neat-hair-removal-vintage-retro.jpg).
i was curious, so i went for it. i applied a fuckload of nair all over my junk, my balls and pubes were completely coated in the stuff. and for good measure, i made sure to get it in my asshole to get the hair out of there too. i had been meaning to groom down there for some time, and my pubes were starting to get pretty unruly.
i knew the basics of how nair worked. lather it on there. wait. wipe it off. no need to look at silly directions, right?
i just assumed the longer and thicker your hair was, the longer the nair would need to take. so i sat there, butt naked on my girlfriend's toilet. i brought my laptop in with me. i watched an episode of adventure time. i could smell the hair starting to burn, but i just assumed that was supposed to happen, since it is a cream that melts your hair off.
i watched another episode of adventure time. then another. then another.
by that time, my nether regions were really starting to sting, so i assumed we were getting towards the end of the nair process.
i watched one more episode.
i sat there for five episodes of adventure time, almost a whole hour with nair lathered all over my junk.
it was now really starting to hurt.
i wet a towel with warm water and wiped it across my skin.
what happened next was possibly the most excruciating pain i think i've ever felt in my life.
i saw red for a second and fell off the toilet, onto the floor. i looked at the towel. i shouldn't have looked. what i saw was a giant smear of hair, skin, and blood.
it hurt so fucking bad, and the worst part was there really was not time to grieve, because i knew that i needed to get the rest of the nair off of my skin before it got even worse, so i tried to dab the towel ever so lightly on my bleeding junk. it hurt just as bad.
in agony, i limped into the shower. i thought, maybe if i turn the shower on a really soft setting with cold water.
that didn't fucking work. each drop on my skin felt like daggers, but i had no other choice. i laid in the shower on my back with my legs above my head, so my asshole and dick could get all the water.
i cried. i cried the whole time. i was literally laying on my back while hair, skin, and blood melted off of me.
i eventually got the strength to get out of the shower and lie on the floor of the bathroom. i laid there with my eyes closed for what felt like forever. eventually my nether regions started to blister and puss. i knew at that point i had fucked up big time.
i called my gf, told her what happened. at first she laughed, but i told her she needed to take me to a doctor immediately. when she saw the damage, she wasn't laughing anymore.
she took me to a ready clinic, while i laid in the backseat with a towel gingerly wrapped around my body. we got to the clinic, and after the most awkward and painful doctor's visit of my life, they put some sort of healing cream type thing on me, which stung at first but eventually made the pain go away, and wrapped me up, like a baby wearing a fucking diaper.
**
edit: since a lot of people are asking, yes, my penis is all better now. i basically wore a diaper for a few weeks, and then followed by boxers and basketball shorts only for a few more weeks. it was a grueling, painful, sex free, six weeks. and as dumb as it sounds, i got really lucky as far as injuries go. i have no nerve damage, very light and not horribly disfiguring scarring, and there are only two or three really tiny dime size patches of skin where the hair won't grow back.
|
i used nair and got second degree chemical burns all over my nether regions.**
|
melting my skin off.
|
[
"this was about a month ago, but please don't hold",
"that against me.",
"i was alone in my girlfriend's home a while she",
"was off at work. i was rummaging through her",
"bathroom drawers for some fingernail clippers",
"when i came across her bottle of [nair hair",
"removal",
"lotion](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ljrjqo2egdc/tkh",
"9ciww99i/aaaaaaaab08/fzepqadydsm/s1600/nair-neat-h",
"air-removal-vintage-retro.jpg).",
"i was curious, so i went for it. i applied a",
"fuckload of nair all over my junk, my balls and",
"pubes were completely coated in the stuff. and",
"for good measure, i made sure to get it in my",
"asshole to get the hair out of there too. i had",
"been meaning to groom down there for some time,",
"and my pubes were starting to get pretty unruly.",
"i knew the basics of how nair worked. lather it",
"on there. wait. wipe it off. no need to look at",
"silly directions, right?",
"i just assumed the longer and thicker your hair",
"was, the longer the nair would need to take. so i",
"sat there, butt naked on my girlfriend's toilet.",
"i brought my laptop in with me. i watched an",
"episode of adventure time. i could smell the hair",
"starting to burn, but i just assumed that was",
"supposed to happen, since it is a cream that",
"melts your hair off.",
"i watched another episode of adventure time. then",
"another. then another.",
"by that time, my nether regions were really",
"starting to sting, so i assumed we were getting",
"towards the end of the nair process.",
"i watched one more episode.",
"i sat there for five episodes of adventure time,",
"almost a whole hour with nair lathered all over",
"my junk.",
"it was now really starting to hurt.",
"i wet a towel with warm water and wiped it across",
"my skin.",
"what happened next was possibly the most",
"excruciating pain i think i've ever felt in my",
"life.",
"i saw red for a second and fell off the toilet,",
"onto the floor. i looked at the towel. i",
"shouldn't have looked. what i saw was a giant",
"smear of hair, skin, and blood.",
"it hurt so fucking bad, and the worst part was",
"there really was not time to grieve, because i",
"knew that i needed to get the rest of the nair",
"off of my skin before it got even worse, so i",
"tried to dab the towel ever so lightly on my",
"bleeding junk. it hurt just as bad.",
"in agony, i limped into the shower. i thought,",
"maybe if i turn the shower on a really soft",
"setting with cold water.",
"that didn't fucking work. each drop on my skin",
"felt like daggers, but i had no other choice. i",
"laid in the shower on my back with my legs above",
"my head, so my asshole and dick could get all the",
"water.",
"i cried. i cried the whole time. i was literally",
"laying on my back while hair, skin, and blood",
"melted off of me.",
"i eventually got the strength to get out of the",
"shower and lie on the floor of the bathroom. i",
"laid there with my eyes closed for what felt like",
"forever. eventually my nether regions started to",
"blister and puss. i knew at that point i had",
"fucked up big time.",
"i called my gf, told her what happened. at first",
"she laughed, but i told her she needed to take me",
"to a doctor immediately. when she saw the damage,",
"she wasn't laughing anymore.",
"she took me to a ready clinic, while i laid in",
"the backseat with a towel gingerly wrapped around",
"my body. we got to the clinic, and after the most",
"awkward and painful doctor's visit of my life,",
"they put some sort of healing cream type thing on",
"me, which stung at first but eventually made the",
"pain go away, and wrapped me up, like a baby",
"wearing a fucking diaper.",
"**",
"edit: since a lot of people are asking, yes, my",
"penis is all better now. i basically wore a",
"diaper for a few weeks, and then followed by",
"boxers and basketball shorts only for a few more",
"weeks. it was a grueling, painful, sex free, six",
"weeks. and as dumb as it sounds, i got really",
"lucky as far as injuries go. i have no nerve",
"damage, very light and not horribly disfiguring",
"scarring, and there are only two or three really",
"tiny dime size patches of skin where the hair",
"won't grow back."
] |
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fuckload of nair all over my junk, my balls and forever. eventually my nether regions started to
|
6 | 8 | 0.64 | 6 |
**warning**: extreme stupidity, autism, bipolar and dumbassry.
before you say i am a completely retarded dumbass, i am very well aware of this and i wish i could go back in time and maul myself to death.
it was a bit special wednesday because i couldn't access my computer 2 days prior to that and here i am, excited and ready to use the shit out of my computer when suddenly it bsods. when i try to start it, it gave some beep codes which wasn't listed in the official beep code list. i was like "god dammit" and decided to be superrepairman!
keep in mind, i have no fucking clue about computers other than basics. i know what the mobo does, what the cpu does etc. but nothing advanced and nothing that should excuse me into opening the heatsink.
while internally, i was aware it's a memory problem and the most logical step was to wait until tommorow and call my merchant and ask for a replacement (warranty).
but nope, i was full on retarded mode and decided in a hulk-voice "i want play now!!!!!!!!!111".
i then carefully placed the computer's sides upwards so i could get a good look. what seemed like a cautious way of handling the computer was followed by me going rambo on the heatsink fan, i couldn't figure out how to unlock the metal bars (am3 slot) and i proceed to use brute force on that shit.
then, what happens next was that my heatsink wouldn't come off. it was around 3 years since i had to take off my heatsink so i was like "hmm, i don't remember if it's supposed to do this or ***not***"
i then proceed to brute force the heatsink. guess what happens! the **goddamn** ***cpu*** **chip** came off with it!
i didn't notice this at first, i was like "oh, this is totally normal, moving on!". i then look at the mobo's cpu socket and i found no cpu. i was so fucking retarded atthat moment i had the nerves to think
"wait what?... there's on cpu in here... uhhh what the hell could this mean?.... wait! does this mean that i had been using the computer with no cpu this whole time?!"
but fortunately i was not that retarded, i shook it off and found out the cpu chip was in fact **glued** to the heatsink. this was obviously probably because i had poor thermalpaste placement, so i proceed to brute force the cpu off which resulted in the edge being bended. you should of seen when i seperated the cpu and the heatsink.
i used a pen's other end and started to use it like a crowbar between the cpu and the heatsink (it had a small gap) and then **fuckin' bam** the cpu chip came off and proceeded to land on the ground with a clear *chink* noise while it hit the ground. imagine a small tiny jewel being polished by a blacksmith when he's trying to make a greatsword goddammit.
i then pick it up, and luckily no visible damage was done except the edge bended because i had used a pen-crowbar to seperate it from the heatsink. i put it in the socket, and then i put the heatsink over, then i proceed to lock in the metal bars on the heatsink.... but guess what? i didn't properly **put the cpu in the socket**, but i didn't realize that. so here is me trying to brute force the **fuck** out of the metal bars while my cpu chip's pins was getting bended.
it took around 5 minutes until i gave up and took a look at the cpu chip itself. also, before i did this, if you know the metal lock for the cpu socket, when i took out the cpu heatsink the cpu chip was also attached to it. big red flag right here, but i was so oblivious and retarded i thought it was normal until a bit later. the socket lock was also not unlocked, which was a very big red flag.
i then noticed the cpu pins bent, so i grabbed a pen and started to go on craftsmen and readjust it. instead of using a long object to properly adjust them i use a fucking pen. after that's done, i put it in and proceed to properly lock the heatsink.
after all that is done, i turn it back on. surprisingly, it still worked but it still had the same problem. so in conclusion, i basically probably permanently damaged my cpu, mobo, case when in the end it was all a memory problem.
|
i performed a vivisection on my computer thinking i was fixing it.
|
trying to fix my computer and putting on a no-brainer hulk mode while doing it.
|
[
"**warning**: extreme stupidity, autism, bipolar",
"and dumbassry.",
"before you say i am a completely retarded",
"dumbass, i am very well aware of this and i wish",
"i could go back in time and maul myself to death.",
"it was a bit special wednesday because i couldn't",
"access my computer 2 days prior to that and here",
"i am, excited and ready to use the shit out of my",
"computer when suddenly it bsods. when i try to",
"start it, it gave some beep codes which wasn't",
"listed in the official beep code list. i was like",
"\"god dammit\" and decided to be superrepairman!",
"keep in mind, i have no fucking clue about",
"computers other than basics. i know what the mobo",
"does, what the cpu does etc. but nothing advanced",
"and nothing that should excuse me into opening",
"the heatsink.",
"while internally, i was aware it's a memory",
"problem and the most logical step was to wait",
"until tommorow and call my merchant and ask for a",
"replacement (warranty).",
"but nope, i was full on retarded mode and decided",
"in a hulk-voice \"i want play now!!!!!!!!!111\".",
"i then carefully placed the computer's sides",
"upwards so i could get a good look. what seemed",
"like a cautious way of handling the computer was",
"followed by me going rambo on the heatsink fan, i",
"couldn't figure out how to unlock the metal bars",
"(am3 slot) and i proceed to use brute force on",
"that shit.",
"then, what happens next was that my heatsink",
"wouldn't come off. it was around 3 years since i",
"had to take off my heatsink so i was like \"hmm, i",
"don't remember if it's supposed to do this or",
"***not***\"",
"i then proceed to brute force the heatsink. guess",
"what happens! the **goddamn** ***cpu*** **chip**",
"came off with it!",
"i didn't notice this at first, i was like \"oh,",
"this is totally normal, moving on!\". i then look",
"at the mobo's cpu socket and i found no cpu. i",
"was so fucking retarded atthat moment i had the",
"nerves to think",
"\"wait what?... there's on cpu in here... uhhh",
"what the hell could this mean?.... wait! does",
"this mean that i had been using the computer with",
"no cpu this whole time?!\"",
"but fortunately i was not that retarded, i shook",
"it off and found out the cpu chip was in fact",
"**glued** to the heatsink. this was obviously",
"probably because i had poor thermalpaste",
"placement, so i proceed to brute force the cpu",
"off which resulted in the edge being bended. you",
"should of seen when i seperated the cpu and the",
"heatsink.",
"i used a pen's other end and started to use it",
"like a crowbar between the cpu and the heatsink",
"(it had a small gap) and then **fuckin' bam** the",
"cpu chip came off and proceeded to land on the",
"ground with a clear *chink* noise while it hit",
"the ground. imagine a small tiny jewel being",
"polished by a blacksmith when he's trying to make",
"a greatsword goddammit.",
"i then pick it up, and luckily no visible damage",
"was done except the edge bended because i had",
"used a pen-crowbar to seperate it from the",
"heatsink. i put it in the socket, and then i put",
"the heatsink over, then i proceed to lock in the",
"metal bars on the heatsink.... but guess what? i",
"didn't properly **put the cpu in the socket**,",
"but i didn't realize that. so here is me trying",
"to brute force the **fuck** out of the metal bars",
"while my cpu chip's pins was getting bended.",
"it took around 5 minutes until i gave up and took",
"a look at the cpu chip itself. also, before i did",
"this, if you know the metal lock for the cpu",
"socket, when i took out the cpu heatsink the cpu",
"chip was also attached to it. big red flag right",
"here, but i was so oblivious and retarded i",
"thought it was normal until a bit later. the",
"socket lock was also not unlocked, which was a",
"very big red flag.",
"i then noticed the cpu pins bent, so i grabbed a",
"pen and started to go on craftsmen and readjust",
"it. instead of using a long object to properly",
"adjust them i use a fucking pen. after that's",
"done, i put it in and proceed to properly lock",
"the heatsink.",
"after all that is done, i turn it back on.",
"surprisingly, it still worked but it still had",
"the same problem. so in conclusion, i basically",
"probably permanently damaged my cpu, mobo, case",
"when in the end it was all a memory problem."
] |
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] |
access my computer 2 days prior to that and here while internally, i was aware it's a memory
|
15 | 7 | 0.76 | 15 |
some background: i had been trying to find a first job as a teenager for a month before i got hired as a host.
anyways, i arrive at the restaurant a few minutes early for training. i meet the manager, some coworkers, everything is going great so far. it was a lot of information to learn for the first day, but luckily it wasn't too busy.
my shift was about to end when i messed up hard. after i cleaned a table, i went to get napkins and utensils to set onto the table. the thing is, i pulled the tray out with too much force and completely underestimated the weight of the utensils. the tray slipped out of my hands; forks, knives and spoons just poured like rain onto the floor. the sound of all the metal hitting the floor was deafening and caused a huge ruckus.
my face flushing red, there was nothing i could do but pick up all the utensils on the floor, which amounted to about 3/4 ths of the supply, and send them to the back for the dishwasher to clean them. all the diners simply looked at me with a mix of condescending sympathy (or maybe disdain) during my moment of horrendous embarrassment.
luckily, the manager wasn't there to witness the hilarity. only my coworkers saw; i must seem like a complete idiot to them, screwing up so hard on the first day.
a rough start for my very first day of work ever.
serious question: is this even forgivable? i'm not trying to pull the "it's my first day card" but i don't want to be fired either after only one day.
|
first day of work, spilled utensils all over floor making a huge scene.
|
screwing up my first day of work.
|
[
"some background: i had been trying to find a first",
"job as a teenager for a month before i got hired",
"as a host.",
"anyways, i arrive at the restaurant a few minutes",
"early for training. i meet the manager, some",
"coworkers, everything is going great so far. it",
"was a lot of information to learn for the first",
"day, but luckily it wasn't too busy.",
"my shift was about to end when i messed up hard.",
"after i cleaned a table, i went to get napkins",
"and utensils to set onto the table. the thing is,",
"i pulled the tray out with too much force and",
"completely underestimated the weight of the",
"utensils. the tray slipped out of my hands;",
"forks, knives and spoons just poured like rain",
"onto the floor. the sound of all the metal",
"hitting the floor was deafening and caused a huge",
"ruckus.",
"my face flushing red, there was nothing i could",
"do but pick up all the utensils on the floor,",
"which amounted to about 3/4 ths of the supply,",
"and send them to the back for the dishwasher to",
"clean them. all the diners simply looked at me",
"with a mix of condescending sympathy (or maybe",
"disdain) during my moment of horrendous",
"embarrassment.",
"luckily, the manager wasn't there to witness the",
"hilarity. only my coworkers saw; i must seem like",
"a complete idiot to them, screwing up so hard on",
"the first day.",
"a rough start for my very first day of work ever.",
"serious question: is this even forgivable? i'm",
"not trying to pull the \"it's my first day card\"",
"but i don't want to be fired either after only",
"one day."
] |
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] |
hitting the floor was deafening and caused a huge a rough start for my very first day of work ever.
|
15 | 9 | 0.94 | 15 |
so i had my driving test today and long story short, i failed because of a left hand turn. anyways, during the test, i was making a 3-point turn but hit the curb with the hubcap. the examiner told me i didn't fail the test because of that but, i was so thrown off after that, i pretty much bombed the test, and afterwards when i told my instructor that i failed, he drove me home and that was it. i realized afterwards that i forgot to tell him what i did when i looked at my phone later in the day and he left me a voicemail telling me to call him back. i'm pretty scared to call him back because i think he's gonna accuse me of purposefully not telling him, plus my father thinks i don't need the instructor's car anyways for my next attempt at the test. fuck maybe it's not too big of a fuck up but i feel pretty ashamed.
|
today i failed my driving test, then forgot about the curb i hit with the hubcap of instructor's car, and failed to tell him.
|
hitting a curb with my driving instructors car during an exam and forgetting to tell him
|
[
"so i had my driving test today and long story",
"short, i failed because of a left hand turn.",
"anyways, during the test, i was making a 3-point",
"turn but hit the curb with the hubcap. the",
"examiner told me i didn't fail the test because",
"of that but, i was so thrown off after that, i",
"pretty much bombed the test, and afterwards when",
"i told my instructor that i failed, he drove me",
"home and that was it. i realized afterwards that",
"i forgot to tell him what i did when i looked at",
"my phone later in the day and he left me a",
"voicemail telling me to call him back. i'm pretty",
"scared to call him back because i think he's",
"gonna accuse me of purposefully not telling him,",
"plus my father thinks i don't need the",
"instructor's car anyways for my next attempt at",
"the test. fuck maybe it's not too big of a fuck",
"up but i feel pretty ashamed."
] |
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] |
so i had my driving test today and long story turn but hit the curb with the hubcap. the i forgot to tell him what i did when i looked at
|
23 | 23 | 0.82 | 23 |
my problem actually started/happened months ago but i only just realized what i did.
i always tend to sign up for my classes at the university of new mexico a little bit later than i should but i've never really had any problems with it. until now. when i registered online a few months back for the fall semester, i was almost sure that i had pressed the button that said "main campus only" when searching through the available courses, i live 5 minutes away from the main campus so it's very convenient.
i did not do this and only found out about a week ago. of my five classes, 3 of them are at the rio rancho campus which is 20 miles away and one is at the los lunas/valencia campus which is 30 miles away. i don't own a car so 3 days a week i'm going to be riding 40 miles to get to and from school and on fridays i'm going to have to take the train then bicycle 10 miles to and from the los lunas/valencia campus. i can't go in to talk to an academic advisor about this because it's entirely on me and they'd laugh at me. i didn't check properly and school starts in two weeks. fml.
|
i am about to get in fantastic shape, whether i want to or not :/
|
making it so i'm going to be bicycling 40 miles a day when school starts
|
[
"my problem actually started/happened months ago",
"but i only just realized what i did.",
"i always tend to sign up for my classes at the",
"university of new mexico a little bit later than",
"i should but i've never really had any problems",
"with it. until now. when i registered online a",
"few months back for the fall semester, i was",
"almost sure that i had pressed the button that",
"said \"main campus only\" when searching through",
"the available courses, i live 5 minutes away from",
"the main campus so it's very convenient.",
"i did not do this and only found out about a week",
"ago. of my five classes, 3 of them are at the rio",
"rancho campus which is 20 miles away and one is",
"at the los lunas/valencia campus which is 30",
"miles away. i don't own a car so 3 days a week",
"i'm going to be riding 40 miles to get to and",
"from school and on fridays i'm going to have to",
"take the train then bicycle 10 miles to and from",
"the los lunas/valencia campus. i can't go in to",
"talk to an academic advisor about this because",
"it's entirely on me and they'd laugh at me. i",
"didn't check properly and school starts in two",
"weeks. fml."
] |
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] |
i did not do this and only found out about a week i'm going to be riding 40 miles to get to and
|
21 | 7 | 0.9 | 21 |
so the so and i are in ecuador on vacation and we are flying out to panama city and 6 am the following morning. we've been on a bit of a day drunk and he's tired and i'm bored. i decide to wander off to an internet cafe where i end up meeting some fun travellers and we head off to a bar. we drink more and more.. and more. fast forward i'm stumbling around and i can't find the condo we are renting for the life of me. i'm trying to ask around my spanish is lousy and slurring. eventually so finds me outside a block away and he is pissed! rightly so. it is 2am. we discover i've lost my iphone. it has all my vacation pics and some nudie pics of me on it...we head back and we go to sleep for a bit after a lot of yelling. we sleep a little late as we're hungover and he sends me down to ask the doorman to call us a cab. i assume because of my terrible spanish he doesn't. the airport is an hour away. the so manages to get us a cab called after we wait awhile but by the time we get to the airport it's 15 minutes before departure so we can't leave. they also do not sell tickets to panama at the airport. we have to take another cab all the way back and then i manage to find tickets for oh, only $500 each for the 1.5 hour flight. several hours later we head back to airport. when we get home to canada i discover $1100 in fraudulent charges have accrued on my phone despite my reporting it stolen.
|
tifu by getting drunk, missing my flight, adding another $2500 onto my vacation expenses and scaring my so. fml.
|
wandering off drunk in ecuador
|
[
"so the so and i are in ecuador on vacation and we",
"are flying out to panama city and 6 am the",
"following morning. we've been on a bit of a day",
"drunk and he's tired and i'm bored. i decide to",
"wander off to an internet cafe where i end up",
"meeting some fun travellers and we head off to a",
"bar. we drink more and more.. and more. fast",
"forward i'm stumbling around and i can't find the",
"condo we are renting for the life of me. i'm",
"trying to ask around my spanish is lousy and",
"slurring. eventually so finds me outside a block",
"away and he is pissed! rightly so. it is 2am. we",
"discover i've lost my iphone. it has all my",
"vacation pics and some nudie pics of me on",
"it...we head back and we go to sleep for a bit",
"after a lot of yelling. we sleep a little late as",
"we're hungover and he sends me down to ask the",
"doorman to call us a cab. i assume because of my",
"terrible spanish he doesn't. the airport is an",
"hour away. the so manages to get us a cab called",
"after we wait awhile but by the time we get to",
"the airport it's 15 minutes before departure so",
"we can't leave. they also do not sell tickets to",
"panama at the airport. we have to take another",
"cab all the way back and then i manage to find",
"tickets for oh, only $500 each for the 1.5 hour",
"flight. several hours later we head back to",
"airport. when we get home to canada i discover",
"$1100 in fraudulent charges have accrued on my",
"phone despite my reporting it stolen."
] |
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] |
so the so and i are in ecuador on vacation and we panama at the airport. we have to take another $1100 in fraudulent charges have accrued on my
|
18 | 7 | 0.73 | 18 |
before you ask, yes i am the same person that posted the doritos locos dog shit catastrophe the other day. i thought that was the end of the fuck ups. but the fates jest, and this one is much more terrifying, but only slighlty less disgusting. let us begin.
today i was still recovering for the doritos locos diarrhea shit storm my dog violently ejaculated from his asshole onto my face while sleeping. me and teddy have a rocky relationship at best at the moment. today i thought, "well at least getting dog diarrhea blasted all over your head is probably the lowest you can go, i guess things cant get much worse." well i didn't have the faintest idea of the horrific showdown that will occur in approximately 12 hours. the day was great! i did some hoodrat shit with my friends, "watched" despicable me 2 with my date. and by watch i mean violating her tounge with my own while a movie plays in the background. and then we had some "lunch" and by lunch i mean we oraly pleasured eachothers fuck instrument. sounds like a pretty solid day right? well let us fast forward shall we?
12:00 am. just finished watching family guy on netflix. "time to go to bed" i sleepily grumble to myself. i enter my room, and i was unaware of the monstrosity lurking above me on my ceiling. i get in my bed and out of the corner of my eye, i see a mother fucking moth the size of a fucking gi joe. i am paralyzed from the dick down as i see my imminent demise staring me down from my ceiling. ok so this thing is so fucking big that there is no way in fuck i am killing it, the bug sauce would be too much to clean up. so i opt for the more jesus like response.... i'm saving this mother fucker. i find a hawk feather. (i have no fucking idea why a hawk feather was so readily available) and try to coerce it onto the feather. i gently rub the insect with the feathers trying to show that i am no enemy. but the stupid fucker keeps getting more and more agressive with each sexual stroke i give it. eventually its going full on kamikaze on my ass. this goes on for about an hour. eventually i get frustrated that something could be so inconceiviabley retarded that i borderline think about assassinating it with my rubber band gun. (yet again i don't know why or where it came from. it was just there) i just say fuck it, and leave the winged demon for morning. i get in bed with teddy... i forgave him :), and get to sleep. now here comes the gross part.
i wake up to a tickle on my face. i instinctively go and scratch it like any normal humanoid would do. i find out moments later this will be the most disgusting scratch of my life. i scratch it, then i start to feel something slapping the fuck out of my nose. moments later i realize its the moth.... or what was left of it. while scratching, i squished the moth on my face and it was squirming out of agony. i had bug juice all over my cheek and nose. i ran to my bathroom and looked in the mirror and saw awfulness. there was yellowish white goo all over my cheek, a leg or two and part of a wing. my face looked like the aftermath of a bug versus lamborghini head on collision. the smell could only be described as ratchet. i get in the shower and wash up, scrape the bug off the bed and fontemplate suicide. not as big of a fuck up as the other day, but still a pretty big fuck up. just kill the damn thing next time jadinklagemorgoone!.
**
**pics!**
http://imgur.com/btdjqn0.jpg. he is so big you can see his inner eye.
http://i.imgur.com/bd9bo6p.jpg. gi joe. his body was about the length of a gi joe arm, and his wingspan was slighlty less than a whole gi joe. (dont judge me i couldn't find a ruler, so i found a gi joe in my 15 year old toy box for a size comparison. )
|
** have a freaking legendary day, nighfall comes, enter my room, gi joe sized moth is present in said room, i risk hours of my time trying to rescue it, verbally cuss out the stupid fuck, give up and go to bed, i awaken with a tickling on my face, i go to scratch it and squish the moth on my face, have to scrape bug goo off face and bed.
|
letting a huge moth survive...
|
[
"before you ask, yes i am the same person that",
"posted the doritos locos dog shit catastrophe the",
"other day. i thought that was the end of the fuck",
"ups. but the fates jest, and this one is much",
"more terrifying, but only slighlty less",
"disgusting. let us begin.",
"today i was still recovering for the doritos",
"locos diarrhea shit storm my dog violently",
"ejaculated from his asshole onto my face while",
"sleeping. me and teddy have a rocky relationship",
"at best at the moment. today i thought, \"well at",
"least getting dog diarrhea blasted all over your",
"head is probably the lowest you can go, i guess",
"things cant get much worse.\" well i didn't have",
"the faintest idea of the horrific showdown that",
"will occur in approximately 12 hours. the day",
"was great! i did some hoodrat shit with my",
"friends, \"watched\" despicable me 2 with my date.",
"and by watch i mean violating her tounge with my",
"own while a movie plays in the background. and",
"then we had some \"lunch\" and by lunch i mean we",
"oraly pleasured eachothers fuck instrument.",
"sounds like a pretty solid day right? well let",
"us fast forward shall we?",
"12:00 am. just finished watching family guy on",
"netflix. \"time to go to bed\" i sleepily grumble",
"to myself. i enter my room, and i was unaware of",
"the monstrosity lurking above me on my ceiling. i",
"get in my bed and out of the corner of my eye, i",
"see a mother fucking moth the size of a fucking",
"gi joe. i am paralyzed from the dick down as i",
"see my imminent demise staring me down from my",
"ceiling. ok so this thing is so fucking big that",
"there is no way in fuck i am killing it, the bug",
"sauce would be too much to clean up. so i opt for",
"the more jesus like response.... i'm saving this",
"mother fucker. i find a hawk feather. (i have no",
"fucking idea why a hawk feather was so readily",
"available) and try to coerce it onto the feather.",
"i gently rub the insect with the feathers trying",
"to show that i am no enemy. but the stupid fucker",
"keeps getting more and more agressive with each",
"sexual stroke i give it. eventually its going",
"full on kamikaze on my ass. this goes on for",
"about an hour. eventually i get frustrated that",
"something could be so inconceiviabley retarded",
"that i borderline think about assassinating it",
"with my rubber band gun. (yet again i don't know",
"why or where it came from. it was just there) i",
"just say fuck it, and leave the winged demon for",
"morning. i get in bed with teddy... i forgave him",
":), and get to sleep. now here comes the gross",
"part.",
"i wake up to a tickle on my face. i instinctively",
"go and scratch it like any normal humanoid would",
"do. i find out moments later this will be the",
"most disgusting scratch of my life. i scratch it,",
"then i start to feel something slapping the fuck",
"out of my nose. moments later i realize its the",
"moth.... or what was left of it. while",
"scratching, i squished the moth on my face and it",
"was squirming out of agony. i had bug juice all",
"over my cheek and nose. i ran to my bathroom and",
"looked in the mirror and saw awfulness. there was",
"yellowish white goo all over my cheek, a leg or",
"two and part of a wing. my face looked like the",
"aftermath of a bug versus lamborghini head on",
"collision. the smell could only be described as",
"ratchet. i get in the shower and wash up, scrape",
"the bug off the bed and fontemplate suicide. not",
"as big of a fuck up as the other day, but still a",
"pretty big fuck up. just kill the damn thing next",
"time jadinklagemorgoone!.",
"**",
"**pics!**",
"http://imgur.com/btdjqn0.jpg. he is so big you",
"can see his inner eye.",
"http://i.imgur.com/bd9bo6p.jpg. gi joe. his",
"body was about the length of a gi joe arm, and",
"his wingspan was slighlty less than a whole gi",
"joe. (dont judge me i couldn't find a ruler, so i",
"found a gi joe in my 15 year old toy box for a",
"size comparison. )"
] |
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netflix. "time to go to bed" i sleepily grumble to myself. i enter my room, and i was unaware of there is no way in fuck i am killing it, the bug i wake up to a tickle on my face. i instinctively most disgusting scratch of my life. i scratch it, scratching, i squished the moth on my face and it http://i.imgur.com/bd9bo6p.jpg. gi joe. his
|
424 | 29 | 0.97 | 424 |
ok so this wasn't exactly today but encompasses my whole last week.
i was fairly sick and stuck with one of the worst sore throats i've had in a long while; unfortunately for me it wasn't strep throat so i couldn't just take an antibiotic and be done with it. so this sore throat makes it feel like i'm swallowing glass, and because of this i have literally no appetite. over the course of 3 days i only ate 3 cans of chicken noodle soup that were about 70 calories a piece, and even that hurt like pouring molten lead down my throat.
to make matters worse... i had explosive diarrhea.
i spent 3 horrendous days not trusting any fart as far as i could throw it and rushing to the restroom every couple of minutes. but because i had no appetite and wasn't eating any food at all i was shitting blanks, sitting on the toilet with massive cramps and a few squirts every few minutes. by the end of the third day my asshole was redder than a raspberry and more raw than eddie murphy's 1987 stand up comedy movie. the mix of both this and my sore throat made it really difficult to sleep and rarely got more than a few hours a night. all around, things were not exactly pleasant.
the only thing i had to make life bearable was tea. since i was shitting out all of the 70% of liquid my body had, i had to constantly be drinking and luckily for me i found a few days prior that a nice warm cup of tea actually felt pretty good. i drank so much tea that i ended up finishing half a box of some menthe tea and a whole box of my parents diet green tea. i'm a big fan of green tea so i finished that box within 3 days.
as i'm throwing away the box of diet green tea, i start to think. how can tea get any more diet? it's just tea leaves and hot water... i looked at the box again to find that it actually read dieter's green tea prompting me to look at the back of the box where in semi bold letters it reads, "this tea contains laxative properties. do not exceed more than 2 cups within 24 hours." i finished a box of 20 tea bags using a 20oz mug for each bag in only 3 days... i was giving myself explosive diarrhea. i was to blame for the 3 excruciating days of shit coated pain.
|
*i put myself into a shit induced coma that lasted 3 days because i drank laxative infused tea.*
|
drinking tea...
|
[
"ok so this wasn't exactly today but encompasses my",
"whole last week.",
"i was fairly sick and stuck with one of the worst",
"sore throats i've had in a long while;",
"unfortunately for me it wasn't strep throat so i",
"couldn't just take an antibiotic and be done with",
"it. so this sore throat makes it feel like i'm",
"swallowing glass, and because of this i have",
"literally no appetite. over the course of 3 days",
"i only ate 3 cans of chicken noodle soup that",
"were about 70 calories a piece, and even that",
"hurt like pouring molten lead down my throat.",
"to make matters worse... i had explosive",
"diarrhea.",
"i spent 3 horrendous days not trusting any fart",
"as far as i could throw it and rushing to the",
"restroom every couple of minutes. but because i",
"had no appetite and wasn't eating any food at all",
"i was shitting blanks, sitting on the toilet with",
"massive cramps and a few squirts every few",
"minutes. by the end of the third day my asshole",
"was redder than a raspberry and more raw than",
"eddie murphy's 1987 stand up comedy movie. the",
"mix of both this and my sore throat made it",
"really difficult to sleep and rarely got more",
"than a few hours a night. all around, things were",
"not exactly pleasant.",
"the only thing i had to make life bearable was",
"tea. since i was shitting out all of the 70% of",
"liquid my body had, i had to constantly be",
"drinking and luckily for me i found a few days",
"prior that a nice warm cup of tea actually felt",
"pretty good. i drank so much tea that i ended up",
"finishing half a box of some menthe tea and a",
"whole box of my parents diet green tea. i'm a big",
"fan of green tea so i finished that box within 3",
"days.",
"as i'm throwing away the box of diet green tea, i",
"start to think. how can tea get any more diet?",
"it's just tea leaves and hot water... i looked at",
"the box again to find that it actually read",
"dieter's green tea prompting me to look at the",
"back of the box where in semi bold letters it",
"reads, \"this tea contains laxative properties. do",
"not exceed more than 2 cups within 24 hours.\" i",
"finished a box of 20 tea bags using a 20oz mug",
"for each bag in only 3 days... i was giving",
"myself explosive diarrhea. i was to blame for the",
"3 excruciating days of shit coated pain."
] |
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] |
pretty good. i drank so much tea that i ended up 3 excruciating days of shit coated pain.
|
20 | 19 | 0.78 | 20 |
before anyone says anything: yes, i know. eating mcdonald's in general is a fuck up. but i tell you, the fuck up transcends just shitty food.
i went to the fast food eatery that happily serves 42 million people globally every day. it was a hot day in the south, so i decided to get my something to cool me off. a strawberry banana smoothie. sounds amazing, right? well i was hungry too. got 2 hot & spicy sandwiches because fuck, they're a dollar a piece. no big deal. i consume both and go about my way.
fast forward several hours and i'm in wal-mart with my girlfriend and we are perusing around the grocery section when i feel the first sign of "oh fuck, i have to use the bathroom soon". so i say "hey, let's go by the movies and look around." i walked into the dvd section that had all the tv series collections and, wanting to get into game of thrones, decided to see how much the 1st and 2nd season cost.
$35 a piece. for 10 episodes a season. "fuck, this is going to be an expensive little bit of catching up i'm gonna be doi-"
and at that moment, tragedy struck. the urge to shit reached critical mass and i made a bee line to the bathroom where the most fiery, painful liquid-esque shit i've ever produced in my entire life poured from my nether regions. it literally burned for the next 2-3 hours or so. i walk out with a waddle in my step and my girlfriend asks, "are you okay?"
"i'm wonderful."
good news though, my girlfriend's mother felt sorry for me after she heard the story and bought me season 1 of game of thrones. excellent!
edit: bee line
|
ate the worst possible combination of food from mcd's, a smootie and 2 hot and spicy sandwiches. painful fiery shit ensued.
|
eating mcdonald's.
|
[
"before anyone says anything: yes, i know. eating",
"mcdonald's in general is a fuck up. but i tell",
"you, the fuck up transcends just shitty food.",
"i went to the fast food eatery that happily",
"serves 42 million people globally every day. it",
"was a hot day in the south, so i decided to get",
"my something to cool me off. a strawberry banana",
"smoothie. sounds amazing, right? well i was",
"hungry too. got 2 hot & spicy sandwiches because",
"fuck, they're a dollar a piece. no big deal. i",
"consume both and go about my way.",
"fast forward several hours and i'm in wal-mart",
"with my girlfriend and we are perusing around the",
"grocery section when i feel the first sign of \"oh",
"fuck, i have to use the bathroom soon\". so i say",
"\"hey, let's go by the movies and look around.\" i",
"walked into the dvd section that had all the tv",
"series collections and, wanting to get into game",
"of thrones, decided to see how much the 1st and",
"2nd season cost.",
"$35 a piece. for 10 episodes a season. \"fuck,",
"this is going to be an expensive little bit of",
"catching up i'm gonna be doi-\"",
"and at that moment, tragedy struck. the urge to",
"shit reached critical mass and i made a bee line",
"to the bathroom where the most fiery, painful",
"liquid-esque shit i've ever produced in my entire",
"life poured from my nether regions. it literally",
"burned for the next 2-3 hours or so. i walk out",
"with a waddle in my step and my girlfriend asks,",
"\"are you okay?\"",
"\"i'm wonderful.\"",
"good news though, my girlfriend's mother felt",
"sorry for me after she heard the story and bought",
"me season 1 of game of thrones. excellent!",
"edit: bee line"
] |
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hungry too. got 2 hot & spicy sandwiches because shit reached critical mass and i made a bee line to the bathroom where the most fiery, painful
|
189 | 87 | 0.89 | 189 |
to start, i had bv. i go to the doc, and she prescribes me an antibiotic by the name of "flagyl." like a responsible lady who doesn't like to post too much on /r/tifu, i read all the instructions and look it up some more on the internet so i can understand the mechanism of action and possible side effects. i see that flagyl sometimes causes yeast infections. well that kinda sucks, but i guess i'll just keep an eye out for it. after i have been taking it for three days and the bv itching i had is gone (but i am not done with the course of flagyl), and i google what a yeast infection looks like. i then proceed to spread my pussy lips and look down. i see something resembling a white film, but nothing google-worthy. later, my boyfriend comes over and i tell him about it. since he obviously has a much better view than i do, i show it to him and ask him if he'd be down to have sex tonight and if he thinks i should talk to a doctor. i spread my pussy lips at him and he takes a look. without changing his tone or expression at all, he looks back up at my face and says "i think you should go to the doctor tomorrow, and i don't think we should have sex tonight." i was very surprised. i even argued "but dude, it's not bothering me, and it is just a little bit of white stuff." he says "i think you need a mirror or something. i think it is worse than you realize." i use my webcam to check it out on my computer screen and immediately regret it. there is like big, thick, cottage-cheese-ish lumps filling up the lips. i have no clue how i couldn't feel it. if i saw it on google, i would think "*how* does anybody let it get that bad?!" he was very nice and it didn't seem to bother him as much as it did me, but seriously, he didn't need to see that. *i* could have done without it too. off to the doctor today :-d
update: so it was indeed yeast. got me some drugs to fix it, and i'll take your advice and take a probiotic too + eat lots of yogurt. also, you guys are hilarious. i have never got even a third of this much karma for anything i have ever posted before. reddit is a strange place.
|
i ask my boyfriend if something minor was worth going to the doc over, he sees two tablespoons of white sludge.**
|
showing my boyfriend my nasty-ass yeast infection. [nsfw]
|
[
"to start, i had bv. i go to the doc, and she",
"prescribes me an antibiotic by the name of",
"\"flagyl.\" like a responsible lady who doesn't",
"like to post too much on /r/tifu, i read all the",
"instructions and look it up some more on the",
"internet so i can understand the mechanism of",
"action and possible side effects. i see that",
"flagyl sometimes causes yeast infections. well",
"that kinda sucks, but i guess i'll just keep an",
"eye out for it. after i have been taking it for",
"three days and the bv itching i had is gone (but",
"i am not done with the course of flagyl), and i",
"google what a yeast infection looks like. i then",
"proceed to spread my pussy lips and look down. i",
"see something resembling a white film, but",
"nothing google-worthy. later, my boyfriend comes",
"over and i tell him about it. since he obviously",
"has a much better view than i do, i show it to",
"him and ask him if he'd be down to have sex",
"tonight and if he thinks i should talk to a",
"doctor. i spread my pussy lips at him and he",
"takes a look. without changing his tone or",
"expression at all, he looks back up at my face",
"and says \"i think you should go to the doctor",
"tomorrow, and i don't think we should have sex",
"tonight.\" i was very surprised. i even argued",
"\"but dude, it's not bothering me, and it is just",
"a little bit of white stuff.\" he says \"i think",
"you need a mirror or something. i think it is",
"worse than you realize.\" i use my webcam to check",
"it out on my computer screen and immediately",
"regret it. there is like big, thick,",
"cottage-cheese-ish lumps filling up the lips. i",
"have no clue how i couldn't feel it. if i saw it",
"on google, i would think \"*how* does anybody let",
"it get that bad?!\" he was very nice and it didn't",
"seem to bother him as much as it did me, but",
"seriously, he didn't need to see that. *i* could",
"have done without it too. off to the doctor today",
":-d",
"update: so it was indeed yeast. got me some drugs",
"to fix it, and i'll take your advice and take a",
"probiotic too + eat lots of yogurt. also, you",
"guys are hilarious. i have never got even a third",
"of this much karma for anything i have ever",
"posted before. reddit is a strange place."
] |
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to start, i had bv. i go to the doc, and she nothing google-worthy. later, my boyfriend comes a little bit of white stuff." he says "i think
|
29 | 11 | 0.84 | 29 |
so this actually happened over last summer, but i actually didn't realize what i had done until about a week ago. basically, i was in china with some other students from the us, and we would get some alcohol every night while we were there and have a good time. the entire trip there was a girl from ohio who had been hitting on me, but i didn't know how to make a move.
now the final night comes along, and we all decided to drink a little more than usual, which led to us smoking tea-leaf-cigars and playing tug-of-war on the roof with a pipe we found while it was pouring rain. eventually, my friend slips, face plants on the tile roof at 2 in the morning, and stands up to reveal the nastiest goose egg i have ever seen. it literally looked like he had an actual egg under his skin on his forehead, so, since i was drunk, i panicked, carried him inside, gave him to my more sober friend, then proceeded to sprint around the building in terror until i realized my more sober friend had taken him to our room and he was sleeping.
the only problem was now i didn't have a bed to sleep in. so, the girl from ohio and her friend had a room with two beds, and she offered for my more sober friend and i to stay in their rooms that night.
soon enough, the girl from ohio and i are making out in one bed while my friend is with her friend in the other. we're under the covers, things are getting pretty heated, and then she asks:
"it's kind of hot in here, don't you want to take your clothes off?"
now here's the kicker, i was so drunk that i thought for a moment, then said:
"...i'm not really that hot, so i'm fine. thanks for offering though."
yeah. so the night ends with us falling asleep next to each other after kissing for awhile, and that is how i fucked up. i literally did a face palm when i thought back to that and realized what i had (not) done. on the bright side it's still an awesome story.
oh and my friend is fine. he just had a huge bump on his head for a few days.
|
girl and i are making out in a bed in china, she says it's hot so i should take my clothes off and i say i'm not hot, but thanks for offering.
|
being sexually oblivious.
|
[
"so this actually happened over last summer, but i",
"actually didn't realize what i had done until",
"about a week ago. basically, i was in china with",
"some other students from the us, and we would get",
"some alcohol every night while we were there and",
"have a good time. the entire trip there was a",
"girl from ohio who had been hitting on me, but i",
"didn't know how to make a move.",
"now the final night comes along, and we all",
"decided to drink a little more than usual, which",
"led to us smoking tea-leaf-cigars and playing",
"tug-of-war on the roof with a pipe we found while",
"it was pouring rain. eventually, my friend slips,",
"face plants on the tile roof at 2 in the morning,",
"and stands up to reveal the nastiest goose egg i",
"have ever seen. it literally looked like he had",
"an actual egg under his skin on his forehead, so,",
"since i was drunk, i panicked, carried him",
"inside, gave him to my more sober friend, then",
"proceeded to sprint around the building in terror",
"until i realized my more sober friend had taken",
"him to our room and he was sleeping.",
"the only problem was now i didn't have a bed to",
"sleep in. so, the girl from ohio and her friend",
"had a room with two beds, and she offered for my",
"more sober friend and i to stay in their rooms",
"that night.",
"soon enough, the girl from ohio and i are making",
"out in one bed while my friend is with her friend",
"in the other. we're under the covers, things are",
"getting pretty heated, and then she asks:",
"\"it's kind of hot in here, don't you want to take",
"your clothes off?\"",
"now here's the kicker, i was so drunk that i",
"thought for a moment, then said:",
"\"...i'm not really that hot, so i'm fine. thanks",
"for offering though.\"",
"yeah. so the night ends with us falling asleep",
"next to each other after kissing for awhile, and",
"that is how i fucked up. i literally did a face",
"palm when i thought back to that and realized",
"what i had (not) done. on the bright side it's",
"still an awesome story.",
"oh and my friend is fine. he just had a huge bump",
"on his head for a few days."
] |
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soon enough, the girl from ohio and i are making your clothes off?" "...i'm not really that hot, so i'm fine. thanks
|
283 | 48 | 0.92 | 283 |
today i was on my way to a session with a sub of mine, and the following happened:
i'm visually impaired and can't drive, so i'm stuck taking the bus. there was half an hour before my bus came, and i was kind of hungry, so i decided to make a trip to the local grocery store. i just wanted a sandwich, so i didn't bother with a cart going in.
well, i ended up buying more than i anticipated; some of my favorite desserts were on sale, and because i didn't get a cart, i put them in my bag with my toys.
i went to check out, and because i still made it under the '15 items or less' limit, i used that stand. without conveyor belts.
so i go up, we exchange pleasantries, and i unpack my own stuff.
>cashier: oh, you brought your own bag? i'll give you your bag credit, then.
>me: er, bag credit?
>c: yeah, it's our new program. you get ten cents off your total for each of your own bags you bring in. which brings your total to [total].
i turn my attention to the pay pad, swiping my card, entering my pin, etc.
and it didn't really register in my mind until just as it was happening: the cashier was reaching for my bag to put my groceries in.
now, my toys were clean. they didn't smell, they didn't have any cum or anything on them, but put yourself in the position of this poor woman: you're just trying to get through your day (given the time it was, she had either just started or was just about to leave), and you have a seemingly 'normal' customer with a bag of bdsm toys.
>cashier: oh. um. do you want me to bag your groceries for you?
>me: *ohgodohgodohgodohgod* um...no...i've got it...*frantic rush to pay, take my receipt, and get the hell out*
i take my stuff, sit down to check my email to make sure my sub was still meeting me, and who comes by but the manager of the store.
>manager: um, sir? can you maybe close your bag so it's not open for the entire public to see?
in my rush to sit down in the cafe, i didn't realize that my bag was in the middle of the isle, open for any passerby who happened to look down to see. i sheepishly reach down, tie the bag shut (it was one of those reusable bags; it didn't have any sort of clasp), and get back to my email.
not only is my sub not meeting me, i'm now known as 'the creep that carries sex toys everywhere' at my favorite grocery store. i just wanted a sandwich, god damn it.
**edit**: oh god now they're disinfecting the whole area where i was sitting...that's just unnecessary
|
i just wanted a sandwich...
|
taking my sex toys to the grocery store
|
[
"today i was on my way to a session with a sub of",
"mine, and the following happened:",
"i'm visually impaired and can't drive, so i'm",
"stuck taking the bus. there was half an hour",
"before my bus came, and i was kind of hungry, so",
"i decided to make a trip to the local grocery",
"store. i just wanted a sandwich, so i didn't",
"bother with a cart going in.",
"well, i ended up buying more than i anticipated;",
"some of my favorite desserts were on sale, and",
"because i didn't get a cart, i put them in my bag",
"with my toys.",
"i went to check out, and because i still made it",
"under the '15 items or less' limit, i used that",
"stand. without conveyor belts.",
"so i go up, we exchange pleasantries, and i",
"unpack my own stuff.",
">cashier: oh, you brought your own bag? i'll",
"give you your bag credit, then.",
">me: er, bag credit?",
">c: yeah, it's our new program. you get ten",
"cents off your total for each of your own bags",
"you bring in. which brings your total to",
"[total].",
"i turn my attention to the pay pad, swiping my",
"card, entering my pin, etc.",
"and it didn't really register in my mind until",
"just as it was happening: the cashier was",
"reaching for my bag to put my groceries in.",
"now, my toys were clean. they didn't smell, they",
"didn't have any cum or anything on them, but put",
"yourself in the position of this poor woman:",
"you're just trying to get through your day (given",
"the time it was, she had either just started or",
"was just about to leave), and you have a",
"seemingly 'normal' customer with a bag of bdsm",
"toys.",
">cashier: oh. um. do you want me to bag your",
"groceries for you?",
">me: *ohgodohgodohgodohgod* um...no...i've got",
"it...*frantic rush to pay, take my receipt, and",
"get the hell out*",
"i take my stuff, sit down to check my email to",
"make sure my sub was still meeting me, and who",
"comes by but the manager of the store.",
">manager: um, sir? can you maybe close your bag",
"so it's not open for the entire public to see?",
"in my rush to sit down in the cafe, i didn't",
"realize that my bag was in the middle of the",
"isle, open for any passerby who happened to look",
"down to see. i sheepishly reach down, tie the",
"bag shut (it was one of those reusable bags; it",
"didn't have any sort of clasp), and get back to",
"my email.",
"not only is my sub not meeting me, i'm now known",
"as 'the creep that carries sex toys everywhere'",
"at my favorite grocery store. i just wanted a",
"sandwich, god damn it.",
"**edit**: oh god now they're disinfecting the",
"whole area where i was sitting...that's just",
"unnecessary"
] |
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store. i just wanted a sandwich, so i didn't
|
10 | 9 | 0.62 | 10 |
so i was cleaning up my boyfriend's art supplies that were just sitting in the corner of the living room next to the couch. i decided to pack them all up in one of those giant plastic storage containers so that everything wasn't just lying around anymore. i got a text from my boyfriend this afternoon (in somewhat of a panic) asking where all his stuff was. i told him what i had done and where i had put everything and i thought that was that. when i got home from work tonight, i asked why he needed his art supplies so badly and he explained that he has a special towel buried in the box for when he jerks off and apparently he was frantic when he couldn't find it. he told me it ended up being okay, but not to touch the cloth napkin that's now in the kitchen. **(
|
- i decided to clean up a bit and unknowingly handled my boyfriend's cum rag.)**
|
cleaning up my boyfriend's art supplies.
|
[
"so i was cleaning up my boyfriend's art supplies",
"that were just sitting in the corner of the",
"living room next to the couch. i decided to pack",
"them all up in one of those giant plastic storage",
"containers so that everything wasn't just lying",
"around anymore. i got a text from my boyfriend",
"this afternoon (in somewhat of a panic) asking",
"where all his stuff was. i told him what i had",
"done and where i had put everything and i thought",
"that was that. when i got home from work tonight,",
"i asked why he needed his art supplies so badly",
"and he explained that he has a special towel",
"buried in the box for when he jerks off and",
"apparently he was frantic when he couldn't find",
"it. he told me it ended up being okay, but not to",
"touch the cloth napkin that's now in the kitchen.",
"**("
] |
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so i was cleaning up my boyfriend's art supplies living room next to the couch. i decided to pack
|
14 | 7 | 0.82 | 14 |
just got back from the optometrist in peterborough!
the eyedrops made my pupils dilate to the point where there was like a 2mm ring around my pupil, nothing more. couldn't see shit.
the optometrist said that what happened was most likely inflammation caused by dryness in the eye.
the cause of this? my hypothyroidism.
i was given some eyedrops to take if it happens again.
i have two more appointments for this on the 19th of april and on the 1st of may.
actual tl;dr: had optic neuritis, but it was not linked to ms.
-----------------------------------------------
previous update thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1b5dhb/tifupdate_tifu_by_possible_tearing_the_cords_of/
-----------------------------------------------
original post: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1b0jy2/tifu_by_possibly_tearing_the_cords_of_my_eyeball/
|
why would you need one?
|
possibly tearing the cords of my eyeball. [i'm ok! :d]
|
[
"just got back from the optometrist in",
"peterborough!",
"the eyedrops made my pupils dilate to the point",
"where there was like a 2mm ring around my pupil,",
"nothing more. couldn't see shit.",
"the optometrist said that what happened was most",
"likely inflammation caused by dryness in the eye.",
"the cause of this? my hypothyroidism.",
"i was given some eyedrops to take if it happens",
"again.",
"i have two more appointments for this on the 19th",
"of april and on the 1st of may.",
"actual tl;dr: had optic neuritis, but it was not",
"linked to ms.",
"-----------------------------------------------",
"previous update thread:",
"http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1b5dhb/tifu",
"pdate_tifu_by_possible_tearing_the_cords_of/",
"-----------------------------------------------",
"original post:",
"http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1b0jy2/tifu",
"_by_possibly_tearing_the_cords_of_my_eyeball/"
] |
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176 | 47 | 0.93 | 176 |
so my family (the people i live with) consist of my grandparents, my mother, my father, my little sister, and some pets. today, i was told that i would be home alone and i should take care of the house. knowing that i would be free of the familial prying eye for a good four hours, i decided the most relaxing thing i could possibly do was use the nicest shower in the house (the one by my parent's bedroom) and do my nails in the bed. it was going to be the greatest, most relaxing day of the whole school year.
i decided after about 10 minutes of deciding between the food network channel and that home and gardening channel (that i hate watching but manage to find time to see a show or two from there once a week), that i would read a book. while most of the books were downstairs, i decided to find a good read somewhere upstairs as i found the lower half of the house (my grandparent's part of the house) to be a wee bit far for someone who's in a state of total relaxation and laziness. i chose a book and started reading.
ten minutes in i hear moaning or yelling or something. i began to freak the fuck out, seeing as my mom told me i'd be home alone. i checked outside to see my grandpa's car parked in the driveway, meaning they were home. i went back to my parents room to read, and after about ten minutes of really loud moaning and them calling out each other's names i came to the realization that my parents' room was directly under my grandparents' bedroom.
i then came to terms with the fact that i was listening to my grandparents getting it on.
|
thought i was home alone, had a totally awesome spa day and chilled in my parents bedroom, heard moaning, discovered my grandparents were home, went back to read, heard more intense moaning and realized i spent over ten minutes listening to my grandparents having sex.
|
reading in my parents room
|
[
"so my family (the people i live with) consist of",
"my grandparents, my mother, my father, my little",
"sister, and some pets. today, i was told that i",
"would be home alone and i should take care of the",
"house. knowing that i would be free of the",
"familial prying eye for a good four hours, i",
"decided the most relaxing thing i could possibly",
"do was use the nicest shower in the house (the",
"one by my parent's bedroom) and do my nails in",
"the bed. it was going to be the greatest, most",
"relaxing day of the whole school year.",
"i decided after about 10 minutes of deciding",
"between the food network channel and that home",
"and gardening channel (that i hate watching but",
"manage to find time to see a show or two from",
"there once a week), that i would read a book.",
"while most of the books were downstairs, i",
"decided to find a good read somewhere upstairs as",
"i found the lower half of the house (my",
"grandparent's part of the house) to be a wee bit",
"far for someone who's in a state of total",
"relaxation and laziness. i chose a book and",
"started reading.",
"ten minutes in i hear moaning or yelling or",
"something. i began to freak the fuck out, seeing",
"as my mom told me i'd be home alone. i checked",
"outside to see my grandpa's car parked in the",
"driveway, meaning they were home. i went back to",
"my parents room to read, and after about ten",
"minutes of really loud moaning and them calling",
"out each other's names i came to the realization",
"that my parents' room was directly under my",
"grandparents' bedroom.",
"i then came to terms with the fact that i was",
"listening to my grandparents getting it on."
] |
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ten minutes in i hear moaning or yelling or driveway, meaning they were home. i went back to my parents room to read, and after about ten grandparents' bedroom. listening to my grandparents getting it on.
|
19 | 34 | 0.68 | 19 |
so. it's 4:30am and i have to pee...i walk downstairs and notice the kitchen light on...odd it's 4:30am usually no one is awake...boy was i wrong! i get into the kitchen and see my husband standing there...then suddenly i see a light blue wadded piece of fabric and notice the tag. it's a pair of light blue victoria's secrets panties...i don't own light blue victoria's secret panties. at this point my head is flipped, i realize these are my friends panties, a girl we opened our home up to while she was visiting from california. who actually hasn't been here for awhile as she is visiting her dad...instantly he tells me it isn't what it looks like...i ask for an explanation...at this point he hasn't really told me what he does but all i know is he's "had a thing for women's panties for a year and a half now"...so i start assuming he's jerking off in them....nope...apparently he likes to wear them...i'm not fucking sure how i am suppose to feel right now other than now i know why none of my panties fit, they are all stretched (which pisses me off even more because i spend a lot on nice panties...don't judge)...because my husband has been wearing them...who the fuck does this???
sorry about poor grammer, punctuation, spelling, wall of text, ext. it's 5:07am if you don't like it, kiss my ass.
|
walked downstairs and caught my husband with panties...turns out he likes to wear them.
|
walking downstairs and 430am to go to the bathroom.
|
[
"so. it's 4:30am and i have to pee...i walk",
"downstairs and notice the kitchen light on...odd",
"it's 4:30am usually no one is awake...boy was i",
"wrong! i get into the kitchen and see my husband",
"standing there...then suddenly i see a light blue",
"wadded piece of fabric and notice the tag. it's a",
"pair of light blue victoria's secrets panties...i",
"don't own light blue victoria's secret panties.",
"at this point my head is flipped, i realize these",
"are my friends panties, a girl we opened our home",
"up to while she was visiting from california. who",
"actually hasn't been here for awhile as she is",
"visiting her dad...instantly he tells me it isn't",
"what it looks like...i ask for an",
"explanation...at this point he hasn't really told",
"me what he does but all i know is he's \"had a",
"thing for women's panties for a year and a half",
"now\"...so i start assuming he's jerking off in",
"them....nope...apparently he likes to wear",
"them...i'm not fucking sure how i am suppose to",
"feel right now other than now i know why none of",
"my panties fit, they are all stretched (which",
"pisses me off even more because i spend a lot on",
"nice panties...don't judge)...because my husband",
"has been wearing them...who the fuck does this???",
"sorry about poor grammer, punctuation, spelling,",
"wall of text, ext. it's 5:07am if you don't like",
"it, kiss my ass."
] |
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them....nope...apparently he likes to wear nice panties...don't judge)...because my husband
|
305 | 30 | 0.93 | 305 |
so my dear mother has been in the hospital for a month now and my dad, sister and i take turns staying over with her. tonight was my turn and since there are no beds available for guests at the moment, i fashioned one out of a bunch of chairs and a sleeping bag. at around 4 am i wake up with awful back pains from the damn chairs and decide to rearrange. well, i took one of the many pillows that was piled on a chair, repositioned myself and rubbed my face into the deliciously comfortable hospital pillow. it was then that i got a huge whiff of urine and mom pubes and i realized it was one of the pillows that the nurses placed between her legs so her knees don't rub up against each other.
:(
|
i cuddled with a a pillow with traces of my sick mother's urine.
|
burying my face in my mom's crotch pillow.
|
[
"so my dear mother has been in the hospital for a",
"month now and my dad, sister and i take turns",
"staying over with her. tonight was my turn and",
"since there are no beds available for guests at",
"the moment, i fashioned one out of a bunch of",
"chairs and a sleeping bag. at around 4 am i wake",
"up with awful back pains from the damn chairs and",
"decide to rearrange. well, i took one of the many",
"pillows that was piled on a chair, repositioned",
"myself and rubbed my face into the deliciously",
"comfortable hospital pillow. it was then that i",
"got a huge whiff of urine and mom pubes and i",
"realized it was one of the pillows that the",
"nurses placed between her legs so her knees don't",
"rub up against each other.",
":("
] |
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staying over with her. tonight was my turn and got a huge whiff of urine and mom pubes and i
|
35 | 28 | 0.81 | 35 |
so i was just heading home from the local pie shop (pies are awesome) and noticed the playground nearby. so, naturally, i decided to go over there and look around to see if there was anything that could be even slightly enjoyable. i saw some bucket thing that spins around on an angle, so it goes up and because of the angle it speeds up when going back down. little did i know that the heavier you are (this thing is designed for 7-8 year olds), the faster it spins. had a go on it and when i finally figured out how to stop it i got off dizier that a heavily intoxicated person. started walking in extremely tight circles unable to stop myself and tripped over a log and heavily bruised my leg. 5 hours later it still hurts like crazy. what's worse, 2 girls started laughing at me.
|
had a go on some ride at a kids playground and became so dizzy that i tripped over a log and bruised my leg, and a few girls started laughing at me.
|
enjoying myself too much at a kid's playground
|
[
"so i was just heading home from the local pie shop",
"(pies are awesome) and noticed the playground",
"nearby. so, naturally, i decided to go over there",
"and look around to see if there was anything that",
"could be even slightly enjoyable. i saw some",
"bucket thing that spins around on an angle, so it",
"goes up and because of the angle it speeds up",
"when going back down. little did i know that the",
"heavier you are (this thing is designed for 7-8",
"year olds), the faster it spins. had a go on it",
"and when i finally figured out how to stop it i",
"got off dizier that a heavily intoxicated person.",
"started walking in extremely tight circles unable",
"to stop myself and tripped over a log and heavily",
"bruised my leg. 5 hours later it still hurts like",
"crazy. what's worse, 2 girls started laughing at",
"me."
] |
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1,
0.4245350799425301,
0.6008279140851787,
0.23173748873287278
] |
year olds), the faster it spins. had a go on it to stop myself and tripped over a log and heavily bruised my leg. 5 hours later it still hurts like crazy. what's worse, 2 girls started laughing at
|
56 | 11 | 0.86 | 56 |
i'm in the navy working out of an aircraft hangar and today we had the mas (military police) come through our command with a drug dog. standard stuff. well the dog comes up to my desk and he's starting to sniff pretty good, he starts smelling my pocket when all hell breaks loose in this dog's world. he's barking, freaking out, practically shits himself. the ma freaks out also and grabs me and tells me to empty my pockets. so i pull out the 3 bucks i had.
he calls superiors and cuffs me. all this in front of coworkers and my chief. so i'm waiting around for about 2 hours to finally have his first class show up and explain that most money has traces of cocaine and that it isn't an offense at all and to let me go.
to clarify, i don't do coke, but i was freaking out the whole time regardless. all that was going through my head was that i'm fucked because this is technically "evidence." i had no idea that dogs could even detect that the dollar could have been used for coke who knows how long ago.
|
til money can retain old drugs. feel like i dodged a bullet for a crime i didn't commit.
|
having a tainted dollar in my pocket when a military drug dog came through.
|
[
"i'm in the navy working out of an aircraft hangar",
"and today we had the mas (military police) come",
"through our command with a drug dog. standard",
"stuff. well the dog comes up to my desk and he's",
"starting to sniff pretty good, he starts smelling",
"my pocket when all hell breaks loose in this",
"dog's world. he's barking, freaking out,",
"practically shits himself. the ma freaks out also",
"and grabs me and tells me to empty my pockets. so",
"i pull out the 3 bucks i had.",
"he calls superiors and cuffs me. all this in",
"front of coworkers and my chief. so i'm waiting",
"around for about 2 hours to finally have his",
"first class show up and explain that most money",
"has traces of cocaine and that it isn't an",
"offense at all and to let me go.",
"to clarify, i don't do coke, but i was freaking",
"out the whole time regardless. all that was going",
"through my head was that i'm fucked because this",
"is technically \"evidence.\" i had no idea that",
"dogs could even detect that the dollar could have",
"been used for coke who knows how long ago."
] |
[
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through our command with a drug dog. standard i pull out the 3 bucks i had.
|
0 | 2 | 0.5 | 0 |
labor day. the last day i worked as a lifeguard at my local pool we decided it would be fun to ride my little bmx bike into the pool, basically just for shits and gigs.
anyway, after we're done, i'm soaking wet, and we have the bike out of the pool, it's almost closing time and as i'm walking the bike out of the pool area i set it down to fix my bathing suit.
as i pick it up, it falls off balance and becomes a teeter-totter of nastiness and the tire tears my already soft toenail straight up. it's not so much the pain or the blood, but one of my biggest pet peeves to have a nail come... oh god...
|
bike tire nearly pulled my toenail off when my bike flipped up
|
riding a bike into a pool
|
[
"labor day. the last day i worked as a lifeguard at",
"my local pool we decided it would be fun to ride",
"my little bmx bike into the pool, basically just",
"for shits and gigs.",
"anyway, after we're done, i'm soaking wet, and we",
"have the bike out of the pool, it's almost",
"closing time and as i'm walking the bike out of",
"the pool area i set it down to fix my bathing",
"suit.",
"as i pick it up, it falls off balance and becomes",
"a teeter-totter of nastiness and the tire tears",
"my already soft toenail straight up. it's not so",
"much the pain or the blood, but one of my biggest",
"pet peeves to have a nail come... oh god..."
] |
[
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] |
my already soft toenail straight up. it's not so
|
982 | 119 | 0.89 | 982 |
this happened back in high school, but i still fucked up.
we took a field trip to some play. got to the theater, i sit with this girl i've been talking to for a while. i'm cracking jokes, shits going great. she decides to say something funny. it probably wasn't really that funny but i was in love so i busted out laughing.
the thing was, i had a cold that day and i had been keeping a giant fucking lugie in my mouth because i had nowhere to get rid of it. it was too warm and gross to swallow and i couldn't just spit it on the floor.
so anyway, she makes me laugh and this wad of my spit and mucous comes flying out of my mouth at mach 10 and lands on her shoulder.
i'm all o_o
she's fucking repulsed. "ewwww why did you do that?!"
i needed to fix the situation fast because she was making a scene. quickly, without thinking, i frantically grabbed for my nasal mouth juice. i'm grabbing and snatching, trying to get it off this girl's shirt.
*rrrrriiiipppp*
her fucking shirt ripped right off. i don't really know how. it was this silky kind of shirt that was all artsy and shit and it just came right off. we were both speechless now but she gave me this look... i'll never forget that look. she broke up with me with that look.
she took her shirt back and ran to the bathroom and i just sat there with my spit still in my hand.
|
- i spit mucous on a girl and then ripped her shirt off on a field trip.
|
ripped a girl's shirt off
|
[
"this happened back in high school, but i still",
"fucked up.",
"we took a field trip to some play. got to the",
"theater, i sit with this girl i've been talking",
"to for a while. i'm cracking jokes, shits going",
"great. she decides to say something funny. it",
"probably wasn't really that funny but i was in",
"love so i busted out laughing.",
"the thing was, i had a cold that day and i had",
"been keeping a giant fucking lugie in my mouth",
"because i had nowhere to get rid of it. it was",
"too warm and gross to swallow and i couldn't just",
"spit it on the floor.",
"so anyway, she makes me laugh and this wad of my",
"spit and mucous comes flying out of my mouth at",
"mach 10 and lands on her shoulder.",
"i'm all o_o",
"she's fucking repulsed. \"ewwww why did you do",
"that?!\"",
"i needed to fix the situation fast because she",
"was making a scene. quickly, without thinking, i",
"frantically grabbed for my nasal mouth juice. i'm",
"grabbing and snatching, trying to get it off this",
"girl's shirt.",
"*rrrrriiiipppp*",
"her fucking shirt ripped right off. i don't",
"really know how. it was this silky kind of shirt",
"that was all artsy and shit and it just came",
"right off. we were both speechless now but she",
"gave me this look... i'll never forget that look.",
"she broke up with me with that look.",
"she took her shirt back and ran to the bathroom",
"and i just sat there with my spit still in my",
"hand."
] |
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we took a field trip to some play. got to the her fucking shirt ripped right off. i don't
|
64 | 20 | 0.8 | 64 |
well reddit, background story- i don't remember the post or what subreddit it was in, but i recall that a male posted an interesting way to masturbate. by clenching your butt muscles like you are pushing out a bar of fudge during orgasm you will prevent ejaculation momentarily and induce a firehouse of cum (preferably into the back of your so's throat (boyfriend, girlfriend, we all tolerant here)).
so now that that is all cleared up...my gf recently moved about 250 miles away to complete grad school at a prestigious university for her program. this weekend was her birthday and she was suffering from a bad cold and sore throat so i decided to visit her to cheer her up. i drove all 500 miles total there and back with pretty scenery looking at lots of horses/cows, and we spent some wonderful times bonding with me taking care of her like a knight in shining armor i am. a five hour drive, last minute planned, all for her? she was ecstatic at my get well gifts and bday surprises. commence to sexy times
uh oh, red tides are flowing. and throat is too sore to give olympic gold medal winning blowjobs (athens, 2004). so this great handy would do. after some awesome dry humping and hot kissing and her orgasm... whoops. its fucking superbad up in the joint and i got a period blood stain on my underoos. oh well, i brought extra and this is a long term thing, we're cool with that. she proceeds to touch and caress and woman-handle my cock like its [that pottery sex scene in ghost](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw8j818w-qe).
i'm getting ready to blow, and i alert her to the imminent eruption. i remember that technique i read and as soon as i felt that familiar build up i squeezed those butt muscles and... farted in my gf's face. what's worse was i let go of the muscles and started laughing uncontrollably and cumming all over myself while my girlfriend blank-stared at my immaturity level and pulled on my dick with the enthusiasm of a worker on an 8-hr factory shift ... but also was confused at something. like a dude with toes for thumbs or some shit.
anyways,
|
i ruined a really good handy by farting and immaturely laughing my way through my orgasm. oh and i came on her pillow too. whoops
|
trying something i read on reddit and ruining an orgasm from a good handy that i drove 500 miles for.
|
[
"well reddit, background story- i don't remember",
"the post or what subreddit it was in, but i",
"recall that a male posted an interesting way to",
"masturbate. by clenching your butt muscles like",
"you are pushing out a bar of fudge during orgasm",
"you will prevent ejaculation momentarily and",
"induce a firehouse of cum (preferably into the",
"back of your so's throat (boyfriend, girlfriend,",
"we all tolerant here)).",
"so now that that is all cleared up...my gf",
"recently moved about 250 miles away to complete",
"grad school at a prestigious university for her",
"program. this weekend was her birthday and she",
"was suffering from a bad cold and sore throat so",
"i decided to visit her to cheer her up. i drove",
"all 500 miles total there and back with pretty",
"scenery looking at lots of horses/cows, and we",
"spent some wonderful times bonding with me taking",
"care of her like a knight in shining armor i am.",
"a five hour drive, last minute planned, all for",
"her? she was ecstatic at my get well gifts and",
"bday surprises. commence to sexy times",
"uh oh, red tides are flowing. and throat is too",
"sore to give olympic gold medal winning blowjobs",
"(athens, 2004). so this great handy would do.",
"after some awesome dry humping and hot kissing",
"and her orgasm... whoops. its fucking superbad up",
"in the joint and i got a period blood stain on my",
"underoos. oh well, i brought extra and this is a",
"long term thing, we're cool with that. she",
"proceeds to touch and caress and woman-handle my",
"cock like its [that pottery sex scene in",
"ghost](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw8j818w-q",
"e).",
"i'm getting ready to blow, and i alert her to the",
"imminent eruption. i remember that technique i",
"read and as soon as i felt that familiar build up",
"i squeezed those butt muscles and... farted in my",
"gf's face. what's worse was i let go of the",
"muscles and started laughing uncontrollably and",
"cumming all over myself while my girlfriend",
"blank-stared at my immaturity level and pulled on",
"my dick with the enthusiasm of a worker on an",
"8-hr factory shift ... but also was confused at",
"something. like a dude with toes for thumbs or",
"some shit.",
"anyways,"
] |
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and her orgasm... whoops. its fucking superbad up in the joint and i got a period blood stain on my muscles and started laughing uncontrollably and
|
2,149 | 175 | 0.93 | 2,149 |
so this actually happened two years ago, but whatevs. i still fucked up.
i was at the gas station late one night, about to buy $20 in gas and a snickers. i got talking to the guy at the register, because work was slow that night, and he was cuuuuuuute.
he failed to get the register open and went in the back to ask his manager. i saw this as a great opportunity to let a fart i'd been holding back. i went to the other side of the station, looked around, and saw that the coast was clear.
(◕‿◕✿)< toooooot~
"fuck!!"
i jumped out of my skin!! i turned around, and this time, i looked down. i saw a.... i guess the pc term is "little person." he was hood as hell, too. gold chains, tatts, everything.
"that was wrong. that was not. even. right."
i was just... in shock. this guy came out of nowhere, and here i was, looking like i deliberately ripped ass in his face. he went on a rant about how i was racist, and how hard it is to be short in the hood. i tried to apologize, but he was hearing none of it. he don't need no cracker-ass ho lettin' poots up in his grill.
there weren't many people in the store, but they were staring right the fuck at me. look at this evil bitch, farting on black midgets. the cute cashier came back. oh god no, i can't let him know that i fart.
"excuuuse me!" the lowercase g yelled to the cashier. "this girl-"
before he could finish, i took off running. i bolted to my car and drove to the gas station down the road, where i was careful not to poot on anyone.
|
tried to pick up a cute guy but farted in a dwarf's face.
|
farting
|
[
"so this actually happened two years ago, but",
"whatevs. i still fucked up.",
"i was at the gas station late one night, about to",
"buy $20 in gas and a snickers. i got talking to",
"the guy at the register, because work was slow",
"that night, and he was cuuuuuuute.",
"he failed to get the register open and went in",
"the back to ask his manager. i saw this as a",
"great opportunity to let a fart i'd been holding",
"back. i went to the other side of the station,",
"looked around, and saw that the coast was clear.",
"(◕‿◕✿)< toooooot~\n\n\"fuck!!\"",
"i jumped out of my skin!! i turned around, and",
"this time, i looked down. i saw a.... i guess the",
"pc term is \"little person.\" he was hood as hell,",
"too. gold chains, tatts, everything.",
"\"that was wrong. that was not. even. right.\"",
"i was just... in shock. this guy came out of",
"nowhere, and here i was, looking like i",
"deliberately ripped ass in his face. he went on a",
"rant about how i was racist, and how hard it is",
"to be short in the hood. i tried to apologize,",
"but he was hearing none of it. he don't need no",
"cracker-ass ho lettin' poots up in his grill.",
"there weren't many people in the store, but they",
"were staring right the fuck at me. look at this",
"evil bitch, farting on black midgets. the cute",
"cashier came back. oh god no, i can't let him",
"know that i fart.",
"\"excuuuse me!\" the lowercase g yelled to the",
"cashier. \"this girl-\"",
"before he could finish, i took off running. i",
"bolted to my car and drove to the gas station",
"down the road, where i was careful not to poot on",
"anyone."
] |
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deliberately ripped ass in his face. he went on a to be short in the hood. i tried to apologize,
|
198 | 48 | 0.94 | 198 |
i'll admit, this wasn't today, but actually yesterday because i was very sick and i couldn't drag myself to the computer or phone to write this.
so yesterday my family went out to a fairly fancy restaurant. they have surprisingly large portions along with very rich food (you can tell where this is going). earlier that day i had gone to in-n-out and gotten a lemonade, animal-style fries, double double burger, and a milkshake for an early lunch. throughout the day i had been drinking delicious lemonade made with lemon's fresh from our neighbors yard.
my stomach seemed to be complying the entire time we were at the restaurant and on our way (it was an hour drive). when we got there, i ordered some smoothie thing with various fruits and a tea. for dinner, i had some really rich fish and rice. for dessert, i had a huge chocolate cake. at this point i was still feeling good. my stomach hurt a little, but it was the pain that you get after you ate way too much food (which i did). i fell asleep on the way home, so i couldn't tell if my stomach hurt.
i woke up to a slight discomfort (different than the full feeling i had earlier) but thought nothing of it. ten minutes later it was starting to hurt a little more, but i figured i would be in the clear for the night. another ten minutes later and was hurting even more. then, all the sudden, out of nowhere, i ran to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea. i managed to get the toilet seat up and get my pants down before i exploded into the toilet, but it made a huge mess. it was all over the seat and stuck to the side of the bowl. i sat hunched over the bowl for a good ten minutes hoping the pain would subside, but it didn't do that. i then flushed the toilet and decided to lay on the bathroom floor because i thought i was going to throw up.
so i'm laying on the floor, pants off (i had enough foresight to realize i would need to take them off) with a shitty butt in the fetal position holding my stomach. maybe twenty minutes before my stomach decides to make those horrid gurgly noises. i knew what was coming (eventually). i'm waiting for the inevitable to hit me, when all the sudden the door to the bathroom opens. i was too weak to scream at whoever it was, but i jerked up and saw my sister's eyes darting back between my shitty ass (. right at that moment, (i don't know if it was because i jerked up or if my stomach just decided to betray me), my stomach decides it's time to expel all the contents from my body.
i jerk up, turn to kneel over the toilet, and let loose a geyser. i throw up literally everything i had eaten that day, which was a lot. it hurt so bad coming up, but i fought through the pain. halfway through, i realize two things. one, i have to shit again. two, i am not going to be able to stop vomiting for long enough to position my butt over the toilet. shit starts to pour from my ass as i am letting out toxic, smelly vomit from my mouth. the shit went everywhere: the wall, my legs, the floor, and the towels. eventually all the contents were gone from my stomach and bowels, but not before making a huge mess which i got to clean up.
to make matters, worse my sister decided to watch my entire display. i honestly don't know why she didn't just turn around and walk away. we haven't even been able to look at each other since this event.
|
i got really sick from rich food and my sister walked in on me naked with a shitty ass. then, she got to watch me simultaneously vomit in the toilet and shit on the floor.
|
leaving the door unlocked
|
[
"i'll admit, this wasn't today, but actually",
"yesterday because i was very sick and i couldn't",
"drag myself to the computer or phone to write",
"this.",
"so yesterday my family went out to a fairly fancy",
"restaurant. they have surprisingly large portions",
"along with very rich food (you can tell where",
"this is going). earlier that day i had gone to",
"in-n-out and gotten a lemonade, animal-style",
"fries, double double burger, and a milkshake for",
"an early lunch. throughout the day i had been",
"drinking delicious lemonade made with lemon's",
"fresh from our neighbors yard.",
"my stomach seemed to be complying the entire time",
"we were at the restaurant and on our way (it was",
"an hour drive). when we got there, i ordered some",
"smoothie thing with various fruits and a tea. for",
"dinner, i had some really rich fish and rice. for",
"dessert, i had a huge chocolate cake. at this",
"point i was still feeling good. my stomach hurt a",
"little, but it was the pain that you get after",
"you ate way too much food (which i did). i fell",
"asleep on the way home, so i couldn't tell if my",
"stomach hurt.",
"i woke up to a slight discomfort (different than",
"the full feeling i had earlier) but thought",
"nothing of it. ten minutes later it was starting",
"to hurt a little more, but i figured i would be",
"in the clear for the night. another ten minutes",
"later and was hurting even more. then, all the",
"sudden, out of nowhere, i ran to the bathroom",
"with explosive diarrhea. i managed to get the",
"toilet seat up and get my pants down before i",
"exploded into the toilet, but it made a huge",
"mess. it was all over the seat and stuck to the",
"side of the bowl. i sat hunched over the bowl for",
"a good ten minutes hoping the pain would subside,",
"but it didn't do that. i then flushed the toilet",
"and decided to lay on the bathroom floor because",
"i thought i was going to throw up.",
"so i'm laying on the floor, pants off (i had",
"enough foresight to realize i would need to take",
"them off) with a shitty butt in the fetal",
"position holding my stomach. maybe twenty minutes",
"before my stomach decides to make those horrid",
"gurgly noises. i knew what was coming",
"(eventually). i'm waiting for the inevitable to",
"hit me, when all the sudden the door to the",
"bathroom opens. i was too weak to scream at",
"whoever it was, but i jerked up and saw my",
"sister's eyes darting back between my shitty ass",
"(. right at that moment, (i don't know if it was",
"because i jerked up or if my stomach just decided",
"to betray me), my stomach decides it's time to",
"expel all the contents from my body.",
"i jerk up, turn to kneel over the toilet, and let",
"loose a geyser. i throw up literally everything i",
"had eaten that day, which was a lot. it hurt so",
"bad coming up, but i fought through the pain.",
"halfway through, i realize two things. one, i",
"have to shit again. two, i am not going to be",
"able to stop vomiting for long enough to position",
"my butt over the toilet. shit starts to pour from",
"my ass as i am letting out toxic, smelly vomit",
"from my mouth. the shit went everywhere: the",
"wall, my legs, the floor, and the towels.",
"eventually all the contents were gone from my",
"stomach and bowels, but not before making a huge",
"mess which i got to clean up.",
"to make matters, worse my sister decided to watch",
"my entire display. i honestly don't know why she",
"didn't just turn around and walk away. we haven't",
"even been able to look at each other since this",
"event."
] |
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and decided to lay on the bathroom floor because them off) with a shitty butt in the fetal mess which i got to clean up. to make matters, worse my sister decided to watch
|
0 | 10 | 0.47 | 0 |
this woman must have been at least 95 years old. she was old as fuck. she had a walker with her and had many shopping bags with her. when i knocked her down, i also dropped several of my own bags.
i got really nervous and embarrassed after knocking her down, so i quickly scrambled the fuck out of there. turns out that i accidentally took one of her shopping bags with a few garments in it (receipt says the total cost was around ~$108).
|
knocked over granny, stole her clothes.
|
knocking over an old woman in a shopping mall and stealing from her.
|
[
"this woman must have been at least 95 years old.",
"she was old as fuck. she had a walker with her",
"and had many shopping bags with her. when i",
"knocked her down, i also dropped several of my",
"own bags.",
"i got really nervous and embarrassed after",
"knocking her down, so i quickly scrambled the",
"fuck out of there. turns out that i accidentally",
"took one of her shopping bags with a few garments",
"in it (receipt says the total cost was around",
"~$108)."
] |
[
0,
0,
0.03879849714460971,
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0,
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knocked her down, i also dropped several of my
|
916 | 64 | 0.96 | 916 |
this actually happened a month or two ago but i was just informed today about the colossal goat fuck i caused this poor dude.
i live across the street from a bar where i have become quite the regular along with some old timers from the subsidized housing building next door. often referred to as the delaney crew (name of the building they live in) these elderly gentlemen provide quite the comic relief and provide a pretty steady stream of perils of wisdom. every once in a while they will even attempt to wing-man for you, it never works but i suspect it's just a genius excuse to put their arm around an unsuspecting bar fly and rub their junk on them. often, they get shitfaced and end up needing a helping hand across the street, a task that i have somehow inherited, though i don't mind it.
one day in particular, the delaney boys are taking quite a bit of booze to the face as is customary when social security checks arrive. most of the crew disperses aside from one new face, who was having a hard time forming words, thoughts and equilibrium. i was amongst other friends when i noticed this guy fall straight backwards, off his bar stool and thumped his dome pretty hard on the hardwood floor. as the unofficial keeper of the codgers, i sprung from my chair and went to assist. he seemed disoriented but overall okay. i helped him to his feet and told my crew i would walk him across the street and would soon return. the old man, who i will call gordy, was appreciative but not much help in explaining to me what his apartment number was. typically i would just pour them into a lobby chair but gordy was pretty tanked so i decided to take him all the way to his apartment. i was able to discern that his unit number was 609 and found the door to be unlocked, helped him into his lazy boy, handed him a glass of water and showed myself out. back at the bar i got a free beer and life went on...
fast forward to today.. i see gordy for the first time and walk up to say hi and see if he recalled me helping him. boy did her ever. gordy, confused at first, quickly turned angry and all pointy fingery in my chest. turns out gordy does indeed live in unit 609, of another building two blocks away. fuck me right?! gordy angrily explains that some elderly lady awoke to him pissing in her kitchen. she proceeded to assault him with a umbrella until law enforcement arrived and hauled him off to jail for a variety of charges. fuuuuck.. i think gordy understands it was a well intentioned gesture gone bad but he remained pretty pissed.
|
took a drunk grandpa to the wrong apartment, left him there to be assaulted and jailed
|
and put a grandpa in jail
|
[
"this actually happened a month or two ago but i",
"was just informed today about the colossal goat",
"fuck i caused this poor dude.",
"i live across the street from a bar where i have",
"become quite the regular along with some old",
"timers from the subsidized housing building next",
"door. often referred to as the delaney crew (name",
"of the building they live in) these elderly",
"gentlemen provide quite the comic relief and",
"provide a pretty steady stream of perils of",
"wisdom. every once in a while they will even",
"attempt to wing-man for you, it never works but i",
"suspect it's just a genius excuse to put their",
"arm around an unsuspecting bar fly and rub their",
"junk on them. often, they get shitfaced and end",
"up needing a helping hand across the street, a",
"task that i have somehow inherited, though i",
"don't mind it.",
"one day in particular, the delaney boys are",
"taking quite a bit of booze to the face as is",
"customary when social security checks arrive.",
"most of the crew disperses aside from one new",
"face, who was having a hard time forming words,",
"thoughts and equilibrium. i was amongst other",
"friends when i noticed this guy fall straight",
"backwards, off his bar stool and thumped his dome",
"pretty hard on the hardwood floor. as the",
"unofficial keeper of the codgers, i sprung from",
"my chair and went to assist. he seemed",
"disoriented but overall okay. i helped him to",
"his feet and told my crew i would walk him across",
"the street and would soon return. the old man,",
"who i will call gordy, was appreciative but not",
"much help in explaining to me what his apartment",
"number was. typically i would just pour them",
"into a lobby chair but gordy was pretty tanked so",
"i decided to take him all the way to his",
"apartment. i was able to discern that his unit",
"number was 609 and found the door to be unlocked,",
"helped him into his lazy boy, handed him a glass",
"of water and showed myself out. back at the bar",
"i got a free beer and life went on...",
"fast forward to today.. i see gordy for the",
"first time and walk up to say hi and see if he",
"recalled me helping him. boy did her ever.",
"gordy, confused at first, quickly turned angry",
"and all pointy fingery in my chest. turns out",
"gordy does indeed live in unit 609, of another",
"building two blocks away. fuck me right?! gordy",
"angrily explains that some elderly lady awoke to",
"him pissing in her kitchen. she proceeded to",
"assault him with a umbrella until law enforcement",
"arrived and hauled him off to jail for a variety",
"of charges. fuuuuck.. i think gordy understands",
"it was a well intentioned gesture gone bad but he",
"remained pretty pissed."
] |
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number was 609 and found the door to be unlocked, assault him with a umbrella until law enforcement
|
387 | 31 | 0.95 | 387 |
so i live in quebec, where french is the language of 80% of the population, and i was raised in another country with english as my first language. so i tend to get grouped in with the english-speaking canadians - and the running joke in the province is either that they don't speak french, or when they do, they do it hilariously badly.
so, determined to prove them wrong, and having studied french to university level, i have embarked on a campaign to try and get into as many french conversations as possible, if only just to improve my level and get used to the accent. so i'm at a staff party (i am the only english-first-language member of staff) this evening, it's quite a formal event, people have suits on and all that. dinner's served, and my boss gets up and makes a speech. everyone claps. then, as the "new import" (as he refers to me), he asks if i'd like to get up and talk about my first few months in quebec.
so i walk up to the front and clear my throat, ready to unleash my best french on a room of my peers. for the first minute or so, everything goes perfectly. i pronounce stuff correctly, i don't hesitate and people are listening.
then, i decide i'll up things a little bit by using an idiom - i wanted to say that their welcome had took my breath away, and i really liked/appreciated it. now, in french, to say that, you say [something] "m'a coupé le souffle" [pronounced ma coo-pay luh soo-fluh]. so i think "this'll impress them" and i come out with something along the lines of "l'acceuil que j'ai réçu dès mon arrivée m'a sifflé le cul, ce qui j'apprécie" [lakkuy kuh zhey reysu dess mon arr-ee-vay ma see-flay luh cool, suh kuh jap-ray-sea]. someone sniggers as i realised i mispronounced the last part, mixing up the ends of the words. i think nothing of it, just thinking people are laughing at my funny foreign accent. i finish and wait for a stuttered round of applause.
people struggle to keep a straight face as i walk down, shake hands with my boss and he says "thanks for that [lgf92], it was really...interesting."
when i get back to the table, someone asks if i didn't mean "coupé le souffle". i said "yeah, didn't i say that?" he says "no, you said 'sifflé le cul'...[in english] which means, er, whistled in my ass." laughter all round. i drink another couple of glasses of wine.
|
told a room full of french speakers that i really liked it that their welcome had whistled my asshole.
|
accidentally describing a sexual fetish in french to a room full of native speakers
|
[
"so i live in quebec, where french is the language",
"of 80% of the population, and i was raised in",
"another country with english as my first",
"language. so i tend to get grouped in with the",
"english-speaking canadians - and the running joke",
"in the province is either that they don't speak",
"french, or when they do, they do it hilariously",
"badly.",
"so, determined to prove them wrong, and having",
"studied french to university level, i have",
"embarked on a campaign to try and get into as",
"many french conversations as possible, if only",
"just to improve my level and get used to the",
"accent. so i'm at a staff party (i am the only",
"english-first-language member of staff) this",
"evening, it's quite a formal event, people have",
"suits on and all that. dinner's served, and my",
"boss gets up and makes a speech. everyone claps.",
"then, as the \"new import\" (as he refers to me),",
"he asks if i'd like to get up and talk about my",
"first few months in quebec.",
"so i walk up to the front and clear my throat,",
"ready to unleash my best french on a room of my",
"peers. for the first minute or so, everything",
"goes perfectly. i pronounce stuff correctly, i",
"don't hesitate and people are listening.",
"then, i decide i'll up things a little bit by",
"using an idiom - i wanted to say that their",
"welcome had took my breath away, and i really",
"liked/appreciated it. now, in french, to say",
"that, you say [something] \"m'a coupé le souffle\"",
"[pronounced ma coo-pay luh soo-fluh]. so i think",
"\"this'll impress them\" and i come out with",
"something along the lines of \"l'acceuil que j'ai",
"réçu dès mon arrivée m'a sifflé le cul, ce qui",
"j'apprécie\" [lakkuy kuh zhey reysu dess mon",
"arr-ee-vay ma see-flay luh cool, suh kuh",
"jap-ray-sea]. someone sniggers as i realised i",
"mispronounced the last part, mixing up the ends",
"of the words. i think nothing of it, just",
"thinking people are laughing at my funny foreign",
"accent. i finish and wait for a stuttered round",
"of applause.",
"people struggle to keep a straight face as i walk",
"down, shake hands with my boss and he says",
"\"thanks for that [lgf92], it was",
"really...interesting.\"",
"when i get back to the table, someone asks if i",
"didn't mean \"coupé le souffle\". i said \"yeah,",
"didn't i say that?\" he says \"no, you said 'sifflé",
"le cul'...[in english] which means, er, whistled",
"in my ass.\" laughter all round. i drink another",
"couple of glasses of wine."
] |
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ready to unleash my best french on a room of my using an idiom - i wanted to say that their welcome had took my breath away, and i really
|
26 | 7 | 0.78 | 26 |
walking home from an exam, pretty tired and drained.
see someone walking towards us, as they get close i just yell:
"hey, fuck you!!"
i then proceeded to make the poor bastard high-five me. i wondered why he seemed so... *hesitant*, but didn't dwell on it.
cut to me later on teamspeak with some people. let's call the person i *thought* it was... "j".
me: "guess who i met today? j!"
j: "you... haven't seen me today. that didn't happen."
me: "uhh... what? you sure? ^^^we ^^^high ^^^fived ^^^and ^^^everything! ^^^^^^and ^^^^^^i ^^^^^^said ^^^^^^fuck ^^^^^^you ^^^^^^o_o
j: "yep, i wasn't even in town this afternoon \^_\^"
me: d:
it turns out i had shouted at someone completely different, a friend-of-a-friend who in retrospect doesn't look anything like "j". apparently they were quite confused, and next time i see them will be extremely embarrassing.
|
"hey, fuck you!!" is the best way to greet people you only vaguely know.**
|
intentionally being an asshole to someone who i thought was someone else.
|
[
"walking home from an exam, pretty tired and",
"drained.",
"see someone walking towards us, as they get close",
"i just yell:",
"\"hey, fuck you!!\"",
"i then proceeded to make the poor bastard",
"high-five me. i wondered why he seemed so...",
"*hesitant*, but didn't dwell on it.",
"cut to me later on teamspeak with some people.",
"let's call the person i *thought* it was... \"j\".",
"me: \"guess who i met today? j!\"",
"j: \"you... haven't seen me today. that didn't",
"happen.\"",
"me: \"uhh... what? you sure? ^^^we ^^^high",
"^^^fived ^^^and ^^^everything! ^^^^^^and ^^^^^^i",
"^^^^^^said ^^^^^^fuck ^^^^^^you ^^^^^^o_o",
"j: \"yep, i wasn't even in town this afternoon",
"\\^_\\^\"",
"me: d:",
"it turns out i had shouted at someone completely",
"different, a friend-of-a-friend who in retrospect",
"doesn't look anything like \"j\". apparently they",
"were quite confused, and next time i see them",
"will be extremely embarrassing."
] |
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"hey, fuck you!!"
|
53 | 5 | 0.84 | 53 |
on this dreary and lonely night, i decided to look up 'porn' on 'youtube'
(yeah, porn on youtube... good job)
i eventually found something graphic, and decided to watch it, but i pressed tvqueue and it played on my dads 52 inch plasma with surround sound.
he is still giving me the look to this minute...
|
gave my dad youtube porn on his tv
|
with youtube tvqueue
|
[
"on this dreary and lonely night, i decided to look",
"up 'porn' on 'youtube'",
"(yeah, porn on youtube... good job)",
"i eventually found something graphic, and decided",
"to watch it, but i pressed tvqueue and it played",
"on my dads 52 inch plasma with surround sound.",
"he is still giving me the look to this minute..."
] |
[
0,
1,
0.7159208937151189,
0,
0,
0.09006019759583696,
0
] |
up 'porn' on 'youtube'
|
15 | 5 | 0.79 | 15 |
little background here: long story short, my mom kicked my dad out this summer (i'm 17) for reasons that don't pertain to the story. he's physically disabled (broke both ankles) and very depressed. my dad was working at his buddy's auto shop doing computer work like ordering parts and keeping things on file.
well, the economy's in the shitter (or he has a shitty friend) so he got laid off yesterday because they didn't need him. i had a lot of anxiety over this, because my dad has almost nothing of worth in his life besides me and my sister (whom he only sees when my mom works) and i felt a lot of pity and frustration for his situation. distraught, i tried to text my good lady friend about it.
the text went, "damn my dad just lost his job.." i expected a sympathetic response, but was thoroughly confused when i got a text back saying "thx for the recap".
i texted my dad.
|
venting to my friend about my dad getting laid off, accidentally sent text to dad.
|
reminding my depresseed dad that he's unemployed
|
[
"little background here: long story short, my mom",
"kicked my dad out this summer (i'm 17) for",
"reasons that don't pertain to the story. he's",
"physically disabled (broke both ankles) and very",
"depressed. my dad was working at his buddy's auto",
"shop doing computer work like ordering parts and",
"keeping things on file.",
"well, the economy's in the shitter (or he has a",
"shitty friend) so he got laid off yesterday",
"because they didn't need him. i had a lot of",
"anxiety over this, because my dad has almost",
"nothing of worth in his life besides me and my",
"sister (whom he only sees when my mom works) and",
"i felt a lot of pity and frustration for his",
"situation. distraught, i tried to text my good",
"lady friend about it.",
"the text went, \"damn my dad just lost his job..\"",
"i expected a sympathetic response, but was",
"thoroughly confused when i got a text back saying",
"\"thx for the recap\".",
"i texted my dad."
] |
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] |
lady friend about it. i texted my dad.
|
25 | 47 | 0.77 | 25 |
after a great night of entertainment and conversation, we go back to her place, we have a few drinks (mostly consumed by her), i put her to bed and start to go into the living room to sleep off my alcohol, then she grabs me and starts grinding me on her bed. after very feeble attempts to get her to stop, i just go along with it for a while, because i'm stupid, somewhat drunk, and extremely horny. one thing leads to another, and she's completely naked and i'm fingering her. she asks me for sex, i refuse because i have to condoms. she asks again after a few more minutes, again, i refuse. she almost begs me the third time and i seriously considered it, then reminded myself that i'm a shitty fucking person for even letting it get this far along, and refuse a final time. i help her get dressed again, she asks me to leave a little bit later, i do.
fast forward to a few hours later, she sends me a message asking for a rundown of what happened because her memory is foggy. i answer truthfully, saying we engaged in some foreplay and she asked me to have sex with her several times, but that i couldn't go through with it and she asked me to leave shortly afterward. now she's very upset because i didn't stop her, and rightfully so because the right thing to do would have been just that. now i feel like a monster and want to kick myself repeatedly in the testicles.
|
finger banged my friend while she was drunk, almost had sex with her, now she hates me and i feel like a piece of shit.
|
almost fucking a friend while she was wasted.
|
[
"after a great night of entertainment and",
"conversation, we go back to her place, we have a",
"few drinks (mostly consumed by her), i put her to",
"bed and start to go into the living room to sleep",
"off my alcohol, then she grabs me and starts",
"grinding me on her bed. after very feeble",
"attempts to get her to stop, i just go along with",
"it for a while, because i'm stupid, somewhat",
"drunk, and extremely horny. one thing leads to",
"another, and she's completely naked and i'm",
"fingering her. she asks me for sex, i refuse",
"because i have to condoms. she asks again after a",
"few more minutes, again, i refuse. she almost",
"begs me the third time and i seriously considered",
"it, then reminded myself that i'm a shitty",
"fucking person for even letting it get this far",
"along, and refuse a final time. i help her get",
"dressed again, she asks me to leave a little bit",
"later, i do.",
"fast forward to a few hours later, she sends me a",
"message asking for a rundown of what happened",
"because her memory is foggy. i answer truthfully,",
"saying we engaged in some foreplay and she asked",
"me to have sex with her several times, but that i",
"couldn't go through with it and she asked me to",
"leave shortly afterward. now she's very upset",
"because i didn't stop her, and rightfully so",
"because the right thing to do would have been",
"just that. now i feel like a monster and want to",
"kick myself repeatedly in the testicles."
] |
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off my alcohol, then she grabs me and starts me to have sex with her several times, but that i just that. now i feel like a monster and want to
|
22 | 6 | 0.86 | 22 |
last night actually, but i was driving back from a friends house after drinking a few beers and shooting the shit. stopped off for a late night gyro and began the hour long trek back to my house.
round about halfway through the drive i had to pee really bad, like really bad, so i had the bright idea to use all my powers of multitasking and pee in an empty snapple bottle while still driving (dumb, i know). get myself set up and do the deed, fill up the bottle with about a millimeter to spare, cap it off and keep driving.
now i'm moving along, feeling proud of my urination/driving prowess when i look down at the bottle sitting in my passenger seat and notice that the shitty seal on the cap is letting piss dribble out and soak into the chair..... god damn it!
acting quickly i press the passenger window button down, move over in the right lane and chuck the bottle out into the wilderness (again, a shitty thing to do i know). the second the bottle leaves my hand though, **crash!** and the whole interior of my car is instantly covered in broken glass...
it takes me a good 10 seconds to assess the situation and realize what the shit has happened, but in my haste to rid myself of the drippy pee bottle i'd actually opened the *back* passenger window instead of the front one, and had in fact just thrown it at a closed window.
|
i shattered a window in my car with a bottle full of my own urine.
|
broke a window in my car.
|
[
"last night actually, but i was driving back from a",
"friends house after drinking a few beers and",
"shooting the shit. stopped off for a late night",
"gyro and began the hour long trek back to my",
"house.",
"round about halfway through the drive i had to",
"pee really bad, like really bad, so i had the",
"bright idea to use all my powers of multitasking",
"and pee in an empty snapple bottle while still",
"driving (dumb, i know). get myself set up and do",
"the deed, fill up the bottle with about a",
"millimeter to spare, cap it off and keep driving.",
"now i'm moving along, feeling proud of my",
"urination/driving prowess when i look down at the",
"bottle sitting in my passenger seat and notice",
"that the shitty seal on the cap is letting piss",
"dribble out and soak into the chair..... god damn",
"it!",
"acting quickly i press the passenger window",
"button down, move over in the right lane and",
"chuck the bottle out into the wilderness (again,",
"a shitty thing to do i know). the second the",
"bottle leaves my hand though, **crash!** and the",
"whole interior of my car is instantly covered in",
"broken glass...",
"it takes me a good 10 seconds to assess the",
"situation and realize what the shit has happened,",
"but in my haste to rid myself of the drippy pee",
"bottle i'd actually opened the *back* passenger",
"window instead of the front one, and had in fact",
"just thrown it at a closed window."
] |
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the deed, fill up the bottle with about a whole interior of my car is instantly covered in
|
15 | 46 | 0.62 | 15 |
i dun fucked up guys.
i've only tried weed once before, and i didn't feel it at all, so i haven't had it since. but the other night i drove someone home from work and he asked if i wanted to smoke with him, and i had some cash to spare so i said sure, just for the hell of it.
well, i didn't feel it immediately like he did, it took me about 20 minutes to start feeling it (btw, wasn't all it's cracked up to be, i just felt really stupid and lightheaded). so about halfway through my drive home, i decide to call my girlfriend and talk to her. well the conversation quickly dissolved into an argument over her hanging out with her ex alone, and then it turned to if she cared about my emotions at all, and then if she even loved me.
now in my defense, i was pretty high at this point, and i know i was because i could not construct an argument to save my life, and i remember having like, a couple minute intervals where i was just trying to think of things to say and trying to remember what we just said.
anyway, it got to a point where i broke up with her over text, but i did make it obvious that i would welcome her back if the issue with caring and affection was fixed.
so, as soon as i came off of my high, i realized what a fucking retard i was. we've almost been together for a year, we were finally about to fix the issues between her and my parents, we both just turned 18 and had an entire summer ahead of us, and i was planning a surprise trip for us to go to busch gardens for a few days. and i really, really love her, of course. i'm an idiot for letting her go.
and it's basically made me pretty depressed the last few days. i haven't really been eating (yesterday for dinner i ate for the first time in 28 hours), i don't have any enthusiasm for friends or games or anything, i just want to sit around all day in my bed and do nothing. oh, i can't really get an erection either.
i wouldn't feel so bad, but she seems to be adamant (judging by what she's said to others) that she's not going to come back, which is completely heartbreaking.
so, yeah, that's it i guess. i don't need to be told that there's going to be someone else, or that there's more fish in the sea, or whatever. to be quite honest, i was *extremely* lucky to land someone like her. nobody else i've ever met has compared, even from the very first night that we met i knew that there was something special about her.
anyway, fucking never smoking weed again, fuck that shit. at least when i get drunk i don't do stupid stuff, i just get really giggly and incoherent. will update if by some miracle she does decide to come back.
|
got actually high off weed for the first time, acted like an idiot, dumped my girlfriend, she said to others that she is never coming back, can't get a boner, i'm crying myself to sleep every night and not eating anymore**
|
getting high and breaking up with my girlfriend
|
[
"i dun fucked up guys.",
"i've only tried weed once before, and i didn't",
"feel it at all, so i haven't had it since. but",
"the other night i drove someone home from work",
"and he asked if i wanted to smoke with him, and i",
"had some cash to spare so i said sure, just for",
"the hell of it.",
"well, i didn't feel it immediately like he did,",
"it took me about 20 minutes to start feeling it",
"(btw, wasn't all it's cracked up to be, i just",
"felt really stupid and lightheaded). so about",
"halfway through my drive home, i decide to call",
"my girlfriend and talk to her. well the",
"conversation quickly dissolved into an argument",
"over her hanging out with her ex alone, and then",
"it turned to if she cared about my emotions at",
"all, and then if she even loved me.",
"now in my defense, i was pretty high at this",
"point, and i know i was because i could not",
"construct an argument to save my life, and i",
"remember having like, a couple minute intervals",
"where i was just trying to think of things to say",
"and trying to remember what we just said.",
"anyway, it got to a point where i broke up with",
"her over text, but i did make it obvious that i",
"would welcome her back if the issue with caring",
"and affection was fixed.",
"so, as soon as i came off of my high, i realized",
"what a fucking retard i was. we've almost been",
"together for a year, we were finally about to fix",
"the issues between her and my parents, we both",
"just turned 18 and had an entire summer ahead of",
"us, and i was planning a surprise trip for us to",
"go to busch gardens for a few days. and i really,",
"really love her, of course. i'm an idiot for",
"letting her go.",
"and it's basically made me pretty depressed the",
"last few days. i haven't really been eating",
"(yesterday for dinner i ate for the first time in",
"28 hours), i don't have any enthusiasm for",
"friends or games or anything, i just want to sit",
"around all day in my bed and do nothing. oh, i",
"can't really get an erection either.",
"i wouldn't feel so bad, but she seems to be",
"adamant (judging by what she's said to others)",
"that she's not going to come back, which is",
"completely heartbreaking.",
"so, yeah, that's it i guess. i don't need to be",
"told that there's going to be someone else, or",
"that there's more fish in the sea, or whatever.",
"to be quite honest, i was *extremely* lucky to",
"land someone like her. nobody else i've ever met",
"has compared, even from the very first night that",
"we met i knew that there was something special",
"about her.",
"anyway, fucking never smoking weed again, fuck",
"that shit. at least when i get drunk i don't do",
"stupid stuff, i just get really giggly and",
"incoherent. will update if by some miracle she",
"does decide to come back."
] |
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my girlfriend and talk to her. well the really love her, of course. i'm an idiot for (yesterday for dinner i ate for the first time in adamant (judging by what she's said to others) that she's not going to come back, which is
|
10 | 3 | 0.69 | 10 |
because i've been so caught up this week in trying to clean my mess, i didn't even get a chance to get my folks a proper anniversary gift. not to mention, it's mother's day today and i still didn't get a chance to get my mom anything because i've been locked in my room trying to get myself together. girl whom i've had a relationship with for 4 years (on and off) had to be told that i messed with her closest friend a couple years back when we were having severe issues. my parents know this girl's parents and probably have to put their heads down in shame every time they see them now. they supposed to be somewhere today where they're going to bump into them.
two years before this, i had to drop even worse news on my mom for stupid legal stuff i got caught up with that she's finally come to terms with and has accepted me for.
|
i'm probably the worst son my mother ever gave birth to.
|
breaking bad news to my mom on mother's day.
|
[
"because i've been so caught up this week in trying",
"to clean my mess, i didn't even get a chance to",
"get my folks a proper anniversary gift. not to",
"mention, it's mother's day today and i still",
"didn't get a chance to get my mom anything",
"because i've been locked in my room trying to get",
"myself together. girl whom i've had a",
"relationship with for 4 years (on and off) had to",
"be told that i messed with her closest friend a",
"couple years back when we were having severe",
"issues. my parents know this girl's parents and",
"probably have to put their heads down in shame",
"every time they see them now. they supposed to be",
"somewhere today where they're going to bump into",
"them.",
"two years before this, i had to drop even worse",
"news on my mom for stupid legal stuff i got",
"caught up with that she's finally come to terms",
"with and has accepted me for."
] |
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didn't get a chance to get my mom anything probably have to put their heads down in shame
|
1 | 3 | 0.46 | 1 |
lunch started out normal, sitting with my friends eating the excuse for food they serve at schools. i'm having a chicken patty sandwich and fries so i have loads of ketchup on my tray. i start telling a story and get super into it making wild hand gestures and such. one of the gestures ends in my hand accidentally making forceful contact with my milk carton. "oh shit!" my milk empties most of its contents into my ketchup and my tray with some milk landing on the table. i go back up to the front to get napkins to clean up my terrible mess. i wipe the table dry and realize i need more ketchup because the stuff i currently have is saturated with chocolate milk. i return to the front yet again to get more ketchup this time. i put the ketchup in a different section of the tray because i hadn't cleaned the brown and red mess out of my tray; that's a job for the lunch ladies. as i'm returning to my table apparently i tilted the tray as a result of holding it with one hand. so i sit back down and one of my friends tells me i have a little milk in my new ketchup. "dammit!" i use the napkins to get as much milk out of my new ketchup as possible. one of my friends sitting across the table from me informs me that he can smell my mixture of milk and ketchup and sadness. so like anyone would i lean forward to sniff it and see what it smells like. that was a terrible mistake. it smelled like someone decided to deep fry week old shit and let it bask in the sun for a month before reheating it in a microwave. now not only do i feel like puking, i also have milk and ketchup on the white shirt i was wearing. today i done fucked up.
|
spilled milk in ketchup, got more ketchup and did it again. smelled the rancid mixture and accidentally got some on my white shirt.
|
at lunch
|
[
"lunch started out normal, sitting with my friends",
"eating the excuse for food they serve at schools.",
"i'm having a chicken patty sandwich and fries so",
"i have loads of ketchup on my tray. i start",
"telling a story and get super into it making wild",
"hand gestures and such. one of the gestures ends",
"in my hand accidentally making forceful contact",
"with my milk carton. \"oh shit!\" my milk empties",
"most of its contents into my ketchup and my tray",
"with some milk landing on the table. i go back up",
"to the front to get napkins to clean up my",
"terrible mess. i wipe the table dry and realize i",
"need more ketchup because the stuff i currently",
"have is saturated with chocolate milk. i return",
"to the front yet again to get more ketchup this",
"time. i put the ketchup in a different section of",
"the tray because i hadn't cleaned the brown and",
"red mess out of my tray; that's a job for the",
"lunch ladies. as i'm returning to my table",
"apparently i tilted the tray as a result of",
"holding it with one hand. so i sit back down and",
"one of my friends tells me i have a little milk",
"in my new ketchup. \"dammit!\" i use the napkins to",
"get as much milk out of my new ketchup as",
"possible. one of my friends sitting across the",
"table from me informs me that he can smell my",
"mixture of milk and ketchup and sadness. so like",
"anyone would i lean forward to sniff it and see",
"what it smells like. that was a terrible mistake.",
"it smelled like someone decided to deep fry week",
"old shit and let it bask in the sun for a month",
"before reheating it in a microwave. now not only",
"do i feel like puking, i also have milk and",
"ketchup on the white shirt i was wearing. today i",
"done fucked up."
] |
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in my hand accidentally making forceful contact mixture of milk and ketchup and sadness. so like ketchup on the white shirt i was wearing. today i
|
13 | 3 | 0.7 | 13 |
first post, so here goes...
let me start by saying how much i hate when my sister has friends over. she's in those pre-teen years where she has to look invincible in front of her friends. slightly unrelated, but today she had a friend over, and god did they (mainly she) piss me off...
first up, i'm sitting in my room, watching random youtube videos on my laptop. i get up to go to the bathroom, and leave my laptop open on my bed, next to my cat (my cat loves me/my bed. not sure which.) so as i finish up in the bathroom, i enter my room just in time to see my sister sit down next to my cat. on top of my laptop.
now she's not fat by any means, but a half-inch thick ultrabook is not supposed to take 50-odd kilos of weight, especially not on the edge of the open screen. needless to say, even my sister, with her extremely limited knowledge of computers, could tell that it was way beyond repair. screen shattered and completely separated from the keyboard, she bolts out of the room, leaving a very stunned friend with a furious me.
second time, about half an hour later while i'm discussing the laptop situation with my parents, i'm looking with a certain degree of loathing out the window to where my sister and her friend are mucking about in the garden. sitting on the trampoline is a parrot. now, i don't really take special notice of birds in our backyard since my sister started hand-feeding the kookaburras, but i probably should have done something about this one (not that i knew what was about to happen.)
anyway, my sister decides she would show off some trampoline tricks. as i've said, she hand-feeds most birds coming through our backyard, so they're all pretty comfortable around us. anyway, she gets up on the trampoline, facing her friend. and jumps.
apart from the whole dead parrot problem (which has traumatised her pretty badly), i now have a $1700 pile of wiring and other parts which are completely useless. she owns pretty much nothing, and is too young to work, so there's the issue of a replacement to sort out (pretty sure sitting on it voided the warranty). it's like sueing a homeless person; you'll win, but you won't win much.
|
sister broke my $1700 laptop, killed parrot.
|
being uncoordinated/ignorant/stupid. twice.
|
[
"first post, so here goes...",
"let me start by saying how much i hate when my",
"sister has friends over. she's in those pre-teen",
"years where she has to look invincible in front",
"of her friends. slightly unrelated, but today she",
"had a friend over, and god did they (mainly she)",
"piss me off...",
"first up, i'm sitting in my room, watching random",
"youtube videos on my laptop. i get up to go to",
"the bathroom, and leave my laptop open on my bed,",
"next to my cat (my cat loves me/my bed. not sure",
"which.) so as i finish up in the bathroom, i",
"enter my room just in time to see my sister sit",
"down next to my cat. on top of my laptop.",
"now she's not fat by any means, but a half-inch",
"thick ultrabook is not supposed to take 50-odd",
"kilos of weight, especially not on the edge of",
"the open screen. needless to say, even my sister,",
"with her extremely limited knowledge of",
"computers, could tell that it was way beyond",
"repair. screen shattered and completely separated",
"from the keyboard, she bolts out of the room,",
"leaving a very stunned friend with a furious me.",
"second time, about half an hour later while i'm",
"discussing the laptop situation with my parents,",
"i'm looking with a certain degree of loathing out",
"the window to where my sister and her friend are",
"mucking about in the garden. sitting on the",
"trampoline is a parrot. now, i don't really take",
"special notice of birds in our backyard since my",
"sister started hand-feeding the kookaburras, but",
"i probably should have done something about this",
"one (not that i knew what was about to happen.)",
"anyway, my sister decides she would show off some",
"trampoline tricks. as i've said, she hand-feeds",
"most birds coming through our backyard, so",
"they're all pretty comfortable around us. anyway,",
"she gets up on the trampoline, facing her friend.",
"and jumps.",
"apart from the whole dead parrot problem (which",
"has traumatised her pretty badly), i now have a",
"$1700 pile of wiring and other parts which are",
"completely useless. she owns pretty much nothing,",
"and is too young to work, so there's the issue of",
"a replacement to sort out (pretty sure sitting on",
"it voided the warranty). it's like sueing a",
"homeless person; you'll win, but you won't win",
"much."
] |
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discussing the laptop situation with my parents,
|
13 | 2 | 0.79 | 13 |
some background - a friend (we'll call him paul) and i were staying out of town for a search and rescue conference for a few days showing off our uav aircraft.
i was taking a shower before we hit the road when i heard the clunk of the front door of our hotel room, ''ok paul is loading up the car'' i thought to myself. about 5 minutes later i heard my phone ringing. odd i thought as i checked and it was paul: ''let me in dude!''. now keep in mind that you have to go through 2 doors to the hotel room, both of which require a key card. i guess paul must have forgotten his key card so i shut the shower off, tied a towel around my waist and walked out the front door to let my pal in like any true friend. i open the front door of the hotel and paul is nowhere to be found. whatever, he'll find his way in. walking back up to my hotel room, it hits me. shit, i didn't grab the key card either. well fuck, now what? wet and wearing only a towel around my waist i walk to the front desk on the other side of the hotel and explain my scenario to the clerk, and while i was getting another card paul comes walking in the door, and as soon as he realizes he's looking at me the laughing sets in. the 3 of us all laugh it off, i get a new card, all is well. it gets better though, as paul and i were walking back to the room i hear him say ''cheese! smile for the camera bigpinecone!'' and when i turn around he's holding his phone up ''click click click''
edit: here's the pics - http://imgur.com/a/0ilx3
i won't be living this one down any time soon. pics to come soon once he sends them to me.
|
a shower a naked dude and a camera.
|
took a shower and my friend forgot a card.
|
[
"some background - a friend (we'll call him paul)",
"and i were staying out of town for a search and",
"rescue conference for a few days showing off our",
"uav aircraft.",
"i was taking a shower before we hit the road when",
"i heard the clunk of the front door of our hotel",
"room, ''ok paul is loading up the car'' i thought",
"to myself. about 5 minutes later i heard my phone",
"ringing. odd i thought as i checked and it was",
"paul: ''let me in dude!''. now keep in mind that",
"you have to go through 2 doors to the hotel room,",
"both of which require a key card. i guess paul",
"must have forgotten his key card so i shut the",
"shower off, tied a towel around my waist and",
"walked out the front door to let my pal in like",
"any true friend. i open the front door of the",
"hotel and paul is nowhere to be found. whatever,",
"he'll find his way in. walking back up to my",
"hotel room, it hits me. shit, i didn't grab the",
"key card either. well fuck, now what? wet and",
"wearing only a towel around my waist i walk to",
"the front desk on the other side of the hotel and",
"explain my scenario to the clerk, and while i was",
"getting another card paul comes walking in the",
"door, and as soon as he realizes he's looking at",
"me the laughing sets in. the 3 of us all laugh it",
"off, i get a new card, all is well. it gets",
"better though, as paul and i were walking back to",
"the room i hear him say ''cheese! smile for the",
"camera bigpinecone!'' and when i turn around he's",
"holding his phone up ''click click click''",
"edit: here's the pics - http://imgur.com/a/0ilx3",
"i won't be living this one down any time soon.",
"pics to come soon once he sends them to me."
] |
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0.463821889372455,
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0,
0,
0
] |
shower off, tied a towel around my waist and
|
24 | 2 | 0.89 | 24 |
so my roommates are away for the weekend. we have this system where we take turns with chores, and since i'm absolutely useless at cooking, one of the other girls generally does that. since they weren't here, i decided to stock up on frozen indian food from trader joe's. i followed the instructions to a t (this is one thing i can actually do) and i felt pretty confident about my frozen-food making abilities. i even decided to go big and follow the oven instructions rather than the microwave ones.
naturally, the meal sets the smoke alarm off when i take it out of the oven.
this probably wouldn't have been a big deal except i live in a duplex. i'm on the phone with my roommate asking her how to turn off the oven when the next door neighbor guy, an awkward it guy about 10 years older than me, comes over. i see him out the window, literally running toward my front door. of course at this point i'm wearing absolutely no pants. hey, i'm home alone and i had a hard week. i run back to my room, giving him a what i realized later was a full back view from the front window, of course, and throw on some shorts. after opening the door, we open all the windows to get the smoke out.
my vibrator was sitting in plain sight, right on the living room couch, the entire time.
|
set off smoke alarm, awkward neighbor saw me pants-less, came inside and saw my vibrator.
|
setting off a smoke alarm
|
[
"so my roommates are away for the weekend. we have",
"this system where we take turns with chores, and",
"since i'm absolutely useless at cooking, one of",
"the other girls generally does that. since they",
"weren't here, i decided to stock up on frozen",
"indian food from trader joe's. i followed the",
"instructions to a t (this is one thing i can",
"actually do) and i felt pretty confident about my",
"frozen-food making abilities. i even decided to",
"go big and follow the oven instructions rather",
"than the microwave ones.",
"naturally, the meal sets the smoke alarm off when",
"i take it out of the oven.",
"this probably wouldn't have been a big deal",
"except i live in a duplex. i'm on the phone with",
"my roommate asking her how to turn off the oven",
"when the next door neighbor guy, an awkward it",
"guy about 10 years older than me, comes over. i",
"see him out the window, literally running toward",
"my front door. of course at this point i'm",
"wearing absolutely no pants. hey, i'm home alone",
"and i had a hard week. i run back to my room,",
"giving him a what i realized later was a full",
"back view from the front window, of course, and",
"throw on some shorts. after opening the door, we",
"open all the windows to get the smoke out.",
"my vibrator was sitting in plain sight, right on",
"the living room couch, the entire time."
] |
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naturally, the meal sets the smoke alarm off when my vibrator was sitting in plain sight, right on
|
18 | 1 | 0.8 | 18 |
i'm going to try to make this short because my stories always end up being way longer than necessary...
friday night, my friend had a party for her birthday. normally i don't drink, but for whatever reason she really wanted me to, so i obliged. now, i'm told i didn't have that much, but this was only my second time drinking and i suddenly blacked out sometime between 11 and midnight (i think). between then and 3 i apparently did some weed (never done that either, not that i remember anyways), got really gay, and then took a couple of my blankets and pillows up to the attic of the garage and fell asleep. (yeah, it has an attic.) i woke up around 6, having no idea what was going on and yet still drunk enough to not be offput by that. i felt kinda damp, but i figured it was just sweat, since i was fully clothed still. i went back downstairs to the party, which by then only had the hostess and one other guy left. when i got down there, i either realized or was told by them that it wasn't sweat...it was urine. i felt kinda embarrassed but basically stripped down and put on something else. a couple minutes later i realized i should take everything out of the pockets...keys, a tube of blistex i tossed immediately, wallet (gross, but i needed to get rid of it anyway, and the cash was fine), and then...my phone. disgusting, and completely fucked. it took me ages to figure out why - it didn't seem wet or pissy at the time - and it wasn't until i went back to bed and woke up again i realized why it wouldn't turn on.
|
the good: gave my friend a lapdance. bad: phone assassinated by my bladder while i slept. the ugly: gave my friend a lapdance.
|
ruined my phone
|
[
"i'm going to try to make this short because my",
"stories always end up being way longer than",
"necessary...",
"friday night, my friend had a party for her",
"birthday. normally i don't drink, but for",
"whatever reason she really wanted me to, so i",
"obliged. now, i'm told i didn't have that much,",
"but this was only my second time drinking and i",
"suddenly blacked out sometime between 11 and",
"midnight (i think). between then and 3 i",
"apparently did some weed (never done that either,",
"not that i remember anyways), got really gay, and",
"then took a couple of my blankets and pillows up",
"to the attic of the garage and fell asleep.",
"(yeah, it has an attic.) i woke up around 6,",
"having no idea what was going on and yet still",
"drunk enough to not be offput by that. i felt",
"kinda damp, but i figured it was just sweat,",
"since i was fully clothed still. i went back",
"downstairs to the party, which by then only had",
"the hostess and one other guy left. when i got",
"down there, i either realized or was told by them",
"that it wasn't sweat...it was urine. i felt kinda",
"embarrassed but basically stripped down and put",
"on something else. a couple minutes later i",
"realized i should take everything out of the",
"pockets...keys, a tube of blistex i tossed",
"immediately, wallet (gross, but i needed to get",
"rid of it anyway, and the cash was fine), and",
"then...my phone. disgusting, and completely",
"fucked. it took me ages to figure out why - it",
"didn't seem wet or pissy at the time - and it",
"wasn't until i went back to bed and woke up again",
"i realized why it wouldn't turn on."
] |
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] |
friday night, my friend had a party for her downstairs to the party, which by then only had then...my phone. disgusting, and completely
|
8 | 10 | 0.81 | 8 |
it's finals week and on tuesday evening, i needed to eat something quickly before a study session so i went with a mashed potato bowl consisting of corn, mashed potatoes, bacon bits, cheese, and pieces of fried , boneless chicken which were exceptionally large. i devoured my food and these collosal chicken pieces which unmercifully cut my throat. thinking nothing of it, i continued to eat my meal. little did i know, this is the last meal i have eaten to this date. the next day i was feverish, had a splitting headache, an incredibly upset stomach, intense feeling of nausea, 4 kanker sores and, the worst symptom of all, a feelimg of acid reflux which occurs every time i swallow my own saliva, water or food. the sensation of eating is far too painful so i basically have had tiny bites of miscellaneous types of food, none of which has worked, including apple sauce! i ended up half ass-ing my finals and have been starving for about 4 days now. i also couldn't go to a baseball game my gf got me tickets for because i was profusely sweating and was in no physical condition to attend. if anyone has experienced anything of the sort, please share advice!
update: doctor said its a viral thing, just need rest and i need to let it "run it's course". thanks for concerns!
|
swallowed chicken that was too damn big which has iterated my entire body, didn't exert any effort into any of my finals due to the pain and had to miss an mlb game my gf got me tickets for.
|
eating a mashed potato bowl
|
[
"it's finals week and on tuesday evening, i needed",
"to eat something quickly before a study session",
"so i went with a mashed potato bowl consisting of",
"corn, mashed potatoes, bacon bits, cheese, and",
"pieces of fried , boneless chicken which were",
"exceptionally large. i devoured my food and these",
"collosal chicken pieces which unmercifully cut my",
"throat. thinking nothing of it, i continued to",
"eat my meal. little did i know, this is the last",
"meal i have eaten to this date. the next day i",
"was feverish, had a splitting headache, an",
"incredibly upset stomach, intense feeling of",
"nausea, 4 kanker sores and, the worst symptom of",
"all, a feelimg of acid reflux which occurs every",
"time i swallow my own saliva, water or food. the",
"sensation of eating is far too painful so i",
"basically have had tiny bites of miscellaneous",
"types of food, none of which has worked,",
"including apple sauce! i ended up half ass-ing my",
"finals and have been starving for about 4 days",
"now. i also couldn't go to a baseball game my gf",
"got me tickets for because i was profusely",
"sweating and was in no physical condition to",
"attend. if anyone has experienced anything of the",
"sort, please share advice!",
"update: doctor said its a viral thing, just need",
"rest and i need to let it \"run it's course\".",
"thanks for concerns!"
] |
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was feverish, had a splitting headache, an types of food, none of which has worked, now. i also couldn't go to a baseball game my gf got me tickets for because i was profusely
|
9 | 0 | 0.82 | 9 |
i had the heat on med-low and went in to make some fries and left the chicken for 5 minutes. went back out and the chicken was on fire, and the heat settings wouldn't go down. had to turn off bbq from the tank. the siding behind the bbq is all melted and about 5 panels need to get replaced.
|
set the bbq too high, melted siding, had burnt to hell chicken that the dogs wouldn't even touch.
|
doing a beer can chicken on the bbq.
|
[
"i had the heat on med-low and went in to make some",
"fries and left the chicken for 5 minutes. went",
"back out and the chicken was on fire, and the",
"heat settings wouldn't go down. had to turn off",
"bbq from the tank. the siding behind the bbq is",
"all melted and about 5 panels need to get",
"replaced."
] |
[
0.4111947938029284,
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] |
heat settings wouldn't go down. had to turn off bbq from the tank. the siding behind the bbq is
|
53 | 16 | 0.94 | 53 |
i have to start off by saying that this didn’t happen today. not yesterday, not last week even, but on this day precisely one year ago. however, i can still feel (or rather *not* feel) the consequences of it today, so i feel this post is somewhat justified.
to provide a little background: i had been on an internship in paris for the past three months and everything was going absolutely swell. i made some great friends, professionally things couldn’t be better and overall i had a blast spending time abroad alone for the first time in my life. being in paris just added to that experience. to quote my man ernest:
“if you are lucky enough to have lived in paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life, it stays with you, for paris is a moveable feast.” anyway, i digress.
the residence i stayed at had its own little gym so i had been working out religiously during my time there. i was really getting into shape and becoming stronger. of course, with added power comes added cockiness so when a friend challenged me to a game of arm-wrestling one lovely saturday night i immediately accepted, gloating about his incumbent demise.
*i got this.*
turns out, i didn’t. we had been going at it for a good 30 seconds and i was at a small advantage but this dude was still not giving in. apparently, slightly inebriated germans are rather strong. me being extremely sober thought that i could maybe wear him out enough so that he would just give up. this didn’t seem to work and i tried to give it one last push with all my measly strength.
then it happened. crack. thud. argh. my arm loudly banged against the table, in the opposite direction mind you. i didn’t realize what just had happened but my body sure as hell did. i couldn’t control myself and started yelling incoherent sounds, all the while breathing very loudly. the pain was very intense but started numbing down quickly when i sat down again. whenever i tried moving my arm, it started twitching. honestly i just thought i had torn a muscle or something.
an ambulance was called in and i was soon rushed to hospital. i was checked in and told to wait. overall i had to wait for 4 hours in the er which wasn’t the most pleasant of experiences. (during that time i saw a guy with a beret strapped to a stretcher trying to fight two nurses because they called him monsieur while he’d rather be called madame. aah, paris, comme je vous adore)
anyway, when someone finally came to see what kind of dire straits i had gotten myself into, they just started berating me. i was a blithering idiot for arm-wrestling, i had been the third guy that month with the same injuries (didn’t even know you could break your arm while arm-wrestling, let alone that this wasn’t a very rare freak accident). in the meantime, my arm had swollen to schwarzenegger proportions and the guy examining me asked if i was on steroids. no thanks, i wasn’t. he told me i had broken my humerus and that i needed surgery asap. great.
the next morning i had surgery and the surgeon came to me afterwards and said everything had gone over smoothly and that i should be as good as new in a few weeks. however, i still couldn’t move my arm after two weeks and the doctors concluded that they probably had severed a nerve. (maybe the surgeon can post a tifu from his perspective)
long story short, my wrist and fingers were paralyzed for 7 months and only in the last few months have i been making progress. i still have a pretty bad-ass scar and a few insensitive spots on my arm to make me remember my fuck up.
quick photo i took with my cellphone: http://i.imgur.com/l3jinya.jpg
|
don’t arm-wrestle guys, it’s not worth it.**
|
broke my arm while arm-wrestling, paralyzing my wrist and fingers in the process.
|
[
"i have to start off by saying that this didn’t",
"happen today. not yesterday, not last week even,",
"but on this day precisely one year ago. however,",
"i can still feel (or rather *not* feel) the",
"consequences of it today, so i feel this post is",
"somewhat justified.",
"to provide a little background: i had been on an",
"internship in paris for the past three months and",
"everything was going absolutely swell. i made",
"some great friends, professionally things",
"couldn’t be better and overall i had a blast",
"spending time abroad alone for the first time in",
"my life. being in paris just added to that",
"experience. to quote my man ernest:",
"“if you are lucky enough to have lived in paris",
"as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest",
"of your life, it stays with you, for paris is a",
"moveable feast.” anyway, i digress.",
"the residence i stayed at had its own little gym",
"so i had been working out religiously during my",
"time there. i was really getting into shape and",
"becoming stronger. of course, with added power",
"comes added cockiness so when a friend challenged",
"me to a game of arm-wrestling one lovely saturday",
"night i immediately accepted, gloating about his",
"incumbent demise.",
"*i got this.*",
"turns out, i didn’t. we had been going at it for",
"a good 30 seconds and i was at a small advantage",
"but this dude was still not giving in.",
"apparently, slightly inebriated germans are",
"rather strong. me being extremely sober thought",
"that i could maybe wear him out enough so that he",
"would just give up. this didn’t seem to work and",
"i tried to give it one last push with all my",
"measly strength.",
"then it happened. crack. thud. argh. my arm",
"loudly banged against the table, in the opposite",
"direction mind you. i didn’t realize what just",
"had happened but my body sure as hell did. i",
"couldn’t control myself and started yelling",
"incoherent sounds, all the while breathing very",
"loudly. the pain was very intense but started",
"numbing down quickly when i sat down again.",
"whenever i tried moving my arm, it started",
"twitching. honestly i just thought i had torn a",
"muscle or something.",
"an ambulance was called in and i was soon rushed",
"to hospital. i was checked in and told to wait.",
"overall i had to wait for 4 hours in the er which",
"wasn’t the most pleasant of experiences. (during",
"that time i saw a guy with a beret strapped to a",
"stretcher trying to fight two nurses because they",
"called him monsieur while he’d rather be called",
"madame. aah, paris, comme je vous adore)",
"anyway, when someone finally came to see what",
"kind of dire straits i had gotten myself into,",
"they just started berating me. i was a blithering",
"idiot for arm-wrestling, i had been the third guy",
"that month with the same injuries (didn’t even",
"know you could break your arm while",
"arm-wrestling, let alone that this wasn’t a very",
"rare freak accident). in the meantime, my arm had",
"swollen to schwarzenegger proportions and the guy",
"examining me asked if i was on steroids. no",
"thanks, i wasn’t. he told me i had broken my",
"humerus and that i needed surgery asap. great.",
"the next morning i had surgery and the surgeon",
"came to me afterwards and said everything had",
"gone over smoothly and that i should be as good",
"as new in a few weeks. however, i still couldn’t",
"move my arm after two weeks and the doctors",
"concluded that they probably had severed a nerve.",
"(maybe the surgeon can post a tifu from his",
"perspective)",
"long story short, my wrist and fingers were",
"paralyzed for 7 months and only in the last few",
"months have i been making progress. i still have",
"a pretty bad-ass scar and a few insensitive spots",
"on my arm to make me remember my fuck up.",
"quick photo i took with my cellphone:",
"http://i.imgur.com/l3jinya.jpg"
] |
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happen today. not yesterday, not last week even,
|
692 | 195 | 0.87 | 692 |
sadly today i return to you, tifu, with another masturbatory cautionary tale. some may remember me as [the buckyballs guy](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13uidx/tifu_by_combining_magnets_with_my_urethra_nsfw/). after that incident, i hoped (and, indeed, swore) that i would never darken the door of tifu again.
alas.
once again, i had some time to myself. having fully explored the magic of sounding, today i was returning to an old standby of mine; self-bondage. could i put myself in an insecapable situation for a predetermined length of time? child's play! how dull. what could i do to make things more... interesting?
i was cautious, tifu. i was. i am learning wisdom in my old age. you see, i tested the tabasco beforehand. i put a smidgen- a smidgen, mark you- on the head of my penis, and left it for a while. a nice warmth spread through the poor wee dear. perfect.
my testing was inadequate.
i strapped myself up, and strapped myself down. i set the clock for 35 minutes; 5 minutes to finish the preparations, then 30 minutes of fun. and here, here is the part where i fucked up. i got a plastic bag, one of those little freezer bags. i shook the tabasco bottle into it a few times. then i gently, lovingly, carefully placed my twig and berries inside the bag and sealed it up with tape. i now had a darling little condom-like structure, except encasing everything vital to a man.
from here i moved swiftly. no time for second thoughts. i clicked my hands into place behind my back, and was stuck.
why, you ask, was my testing inadequate? what had i neglected? the title of the post, o observant reader, may give you some clue. the testicles are deeply, horrifically sensitive to the effects of tabasco. my little soldier was quite happy; he was basking in the rewarding glow of work well done. his cannonballs, however, were not.
over the space of thirty seconds, what had been a mild annoyance escalated to the most painful thing i have ever felt. this is not hyperbole. i have broken arms, cut penises, lost love. this was worse. my gonads had been dipped in a sea of molten glass.
fortunately, i had just enough reach to pull the bag off my poor suffering self. this made absolutely no difference. this was an emergency. i was genuinely worried i had some sort of chemical burn. visions of hospitals and eunuchs swam through my fading mind.
long story short, i used my back up safety scissors to cut through some rather expensive bondage equipment and spent an hour dangling my red and angry self in a sink of cold water. anything approaching normal body temperature brought the pain back, fresh and new, like a bounding young puppy eager to play.
stick to the oral tabasco route, kiddies.
edit: the inestimable shadekitty has once again lent me his dulcet tones. [narration!](https://soundcloud.com/rac91790/ball-burnings)
|
[idiocracy missed a trick.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wag1r6zw7bg)
|
putting tabasco on my balls [nsfw]
|
[
"sadly today i return to you, tifu, with another",
"masturbatory cautionary tale. some may remember",
"me as [the buckyballs",
"guy](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13uidx",
"/tifu_by_combining_magnets_with_my_urethra_nsfw/).",
"after that incident, i hoped (and, indeed, swore)",
"that i would never darken the door of tifu again.",
"alas.",
"once again, i had some time to myself. having",
"fully explored the magic of sounding, today i was",
"returning to an old standby of mine;",
"self-bondage. could i put myself in an",
"insecapable situation for a predetermined length",
"of time? child's play! how dull. what could i do",
"to make things more... interesting?",
"i was cautious, tifu. i was. i am learning wisdom",
"in my old age. you see, i tested the tabasco",
"beforehand. i put a smidgen- a smidgen, mark you-",
"on the head of my penis, and left it for a while.",
"a nice warmth spread through the poor wee dear.",
"perfect.",
"my testing was inadequate.",
"i strapped myself up, and strapped myself down. i",
"set the clock for 35 minutes; 5 minutes to finish",
"the preparations, then 30 minutes of fun. and",
"here, here is the part where i fucked up. i got a",
"plastic bag, one of those little freezer bags. i",
"shook the tabasco bottle into it a few times.",
"then i gently, lovingly, carefully placed my twig",
"and berries inside the bag and sealed it up with",
"tape. i now had a darling little condom-like",
"structure, except encasing everything vital to a",
"man.",
"from here i moved swiftly. no time for second",
"thoughts. i clicked my hands into place behind my",
"back, and was stuck.",
"why, you ask, was my testing inadequate? what had",
"i neglected? the title of the post, o observant",
"reader, may give you some clue. the testicles are",
"deeply, horrifically sensitive to the effects of",
"tabasco. my little soldier was quite happy; he",
"was basking in the rewarding glow of work well",
"done. his cannonballs, however, were not.",
"over the space of thirty seconds, what had been a",
"mild annoyance escalated to the most painful",
"thing i have ever felt. this is not hyperbole. i",
"have broken arms, cut penises, lost love. this",
"was worse. my gonads had been dipped in a sea of",
"molten glass.",
"fortunately, i had just enough reach to pull the",
"bag off my poor suffering self. this made",
"absolutely no difference. this was an emergency.",
"i was genuinely worried i had some sort of",
"chemical burn. visions of hospitals and eunuchs",
"swam through my fading mind.",
"long story short, i used my back up safety",
"scissors to cut through some rather expensive",
"bondage equipment and spent an hour dangling my",
"red and angry self in a sink of cold water.",
"anything approaching normal body temperature",
"brought the pain back, fresh and new, like a",
"bounding young puppy eager to play.",
"stick to the oral tabasco route, kiddies.",
"edit: the inestimable shadekitty has once again",
"lent me his dulcet tones.",
"[narration!](https://soundcloud.com/rac91790/ball",
"-burnings)"
] |
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] |
insecapable situation for a predetermined length
|
64 | 9 | 0.9 | 64 |
eat salad for lunch. sometimes the sharp corners of a post-it, or envelope, can push out stuff between your teeth, ya know? well today i got one good and stuck right between my front teeth. in my attempt to pull it out the (hot pink) post-it ripped, wedging its remains further into my gums. i used a plastic tea bag corner to finally push it down and out. felt some considerable tooth movement in the process. now my front teeth don't touch.
|
i properly undid 3+ years of night time retainer wearing.
|
getting a post-it stuck between my front teeth
|
[
"eat salad for lunch. sometimes the sharp corners",
"of a post-it, or envelope, can push out stuff",
"between your teeth, ya know? well today i got one",
"good and stuck right between my front teeth. in",
"my attempt to pull it out the (hot pink) post-it",
"ripped, wedging its remains further into my gums.",
"i used a plastic tea bag corner to finally push",
"it down and out. felt some considerable tooth",
"movement in the process. now my front teeth don't",
"touch."
] |
[
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0.06439041018245764,
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0,
0
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of a post-it, or envelope, can push out stuff i used a plastic tea bag corner to finally push
|
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