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467 | 201 | 0.84 | 467 |
so yesterday i turned up a few minuets late to college, i try looking for my class but can't find them, i go to a class where the lecturer asks me to wait whilst they try and get ahold of my lecturer. whilst waiting, the person i've been waiting for comes into the classroom and i end up leaving the classroom with him.
he tells me that the people who have turned up have mostly gone home because they couldn't find the class that we were meant to be in and that he was phoning around and trying to get people to come back in. we have a polite conversation and he tells me that i don't have a class until 11am and it'll hopefully be in the room that's timetabled for us. by this point it's twenty past nine in the morning and i have an hour and 40 minuets to kill, so i decide to go to somewhere familiar and end up doing that for awhile. when my friends go on their break i join them, i've completely lost track of time by this point and by the time i've noticed this, it's already half past 11 and i go hunting for my class, i go to the room that's been timetabled, or atleast i thought was timetabled, and no-one was in there, so i've ended up in the library fucking around on the internet, my friend, lets call him sam, has joined me by this point and i tell him the situation, he agrees to go to the library and we're both just fucking around, i'm on tumblr and he's on youtube and stuff.
i should of really known better than to go on tumblr but there really isn't much else to do and as my dashboard has some 'explicit' content, i try my best to scroll past it as quick as i can without causing a problem, however as i'm doing this a message pops up on my screen saying that 'screenshots are being taken of my 'inappropriate' use of the computers and are being sent to my lecturer', i obviously closed tumblr straight away because i didn't know my computer usage was being monitored and the next thing i know my computer has been logged off and my account has been logged off, i didn't really think much of it, to be honest, was abit worried but i was just thinking that i'll get a smack on the wrist, type of thing.
fast-forward to today, my parents have been called and the college are calling a meeting about my 'inappropriate' behaviour and i know it's not going to end very well at all.
edit: i tried to explain the tl;dr abit better.
|
couldn't find my college class so i went to the college library where i was browsing tumblr, instead of trying to find to my class, screenshots of 'explicit' content which i was trying to scroll past on tumblr was screenshotted by admins who work in the library and sent to my college lecturer, they phoned my parents and have called a meeting for tuesday afternoon and i'm probably going to be kicked out of college because i'm on a trial period anyway. i'm from the uk and i've just turned sixteen, so this is a big deal.
|
going on tumblr in the college library..
|
[
"so yesterday i turned up a few minuets late to",
"college, i try looking for my class but can't",
"find them, i go to a class where the lecturer",
"asks me to wait whilst they try and get ahold of",
"my lecturer. whilst waiting, the person i've been",
"waiting for comes into the classroom and i end up",
"leaving the classroom with him.",
"he tells me that the people who have turned up",
"have mostly gone home because they couldn't find",
"the class that we were meant to be in and that he",
"was phoning around and trying to get people to",
"come back in. we have a polite conversation and",
"he tells me that i don't have a class until 11am",
"and it'll hopefully be in the room that's",
"timetabled for us. by this point it's twenty past",
"nine in the morning and i have an hour and 40",
"minuets to kill, so i decide to go to somewhere",
"familiar and end up doing that for awhile. when",
"my friends go on their break i join them, i've",
"completely lost track of time by this point and",
"by the time i've noticed this, it's already half",
"past 11 and i go hunting for my class, i go to",
"the room that's been timetabled, or atleast i",
"thought was timetabled, and no-one was in there,",
"so i've ended up in the library fucking around on",
"the internet, my friend, lets call him sam, has",
"joined me by this point and i tell him the",
"situation, he agrees to go to the library and",
"we're both just fucking around, i'm on tumblr and",
"he's on youtube and stuff.",
"i should of really known better than to go on",
"tumblr but there really isn't much else to do and",
"as my dashboard has some 'explicit' content, i",
"try my best to scroll past it as quick as i can",
"without causing a problem, however as i'm doing",
"this a message pops up on my screen saying that",
"'screenshots are being taken of my",
"'inappropriate' use of the computers and are",
"being sent to my lecturer', i obviously closed",
"tumblr straight away because i didn't know my",
"computer usage was being monitored and the next",
"thing i know my computer has been logged off and",
"my account has been logged off, i didn't really",
"think much of it, to be honest, was abit worried",
"but i was just thinking that i'll get a smack on",
"the wrist, type of thing.",
"fast-forward to today, my parents have been",
"called and the college are calling a meeting",
"about my 'inappropriate' behaviour and i know",
"it's not going to end very well at all.",
"edit: i tried to explain the tl;dr abit better."
] |
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have mostly gone home because they couldn't find was phoning around and trying to get people to past 11 and i go hunting for my class, i go to so i've ended up in the library fucking around on situation, he agrees to go to the library and we're both just fucking around, i'm on tumblr and as my dashboard has some 'explicit' content, i try my best to scroll past it as quick as i can 'screenshots are being taken of my being sent to my lecturer', i obviously closed fast-forward to today, my parents have been called and the college are calling a meeting
|
79 | 29 | 0.78 | 79 |
so... let me preface this by apologizing for any errors because i'm on mobile. also a throwaway cause i'm so embarrassed.
set up. today i received a text, out of the blue, from a longtime friend. she (19) and i (19 m) have known each other since about first grade. the text asked me that, were someone to offer me a blow job, if i'd accept. thinking one of her friends took her phone and is simply messing with me, i answer coyly. "is that a proposition?" "yes," she replied, "i'm offering to give you head."
i feign concern, ask if her bf isn't doing it for her anymore, etc (remember, i'm thinking that this is one of her friends) and to make a long story a bit shorter, i found out that it actually is her and that her bf not only dumped her, but cheated on her. apparently, i was her goto revenge fun. i'm not complaining.
fast forward to later in the evening. seeing as i live a fair distance from her and can't get into town soon, we skype. it starts out innocent enough, but soon progresses to clothes coming off and sexual questions tossed around like confetti. it was fun. she's stunning, i've liked her for years, my head swims because this is so fucking awesome.
right?
***wrong.***
dead wrong. we're going along and, honestly, it was my first time through the computer. kind of awkward but so hot i didn't care. she looked (and sounded) like she was having a good time and i know that i was.
and then it hits me.
like a slap from a massively erect god whose erectile prowess is sapping all ability to stay hard from my own body, i get soft and limp. i look down in shame, and feel in my cheeks a deep, burning rouge. i stammer an apology, making the honest statement that this has never happened before. usually, things are picture perfect.
she says my embarrassment is cute and reminds me that it would be impossible for that to happen when it comes down to it. this was just a rehearsal and the final act needs some work.
she says that she ought to sleep. i agree.
i've been staring at my computer, occasionally glancing with disdain at my flaccid genitals, and sipping a glass of scotch as i type this up.
edit: duck you, you ducking phone, you ducking piece of trash.
|
the wood happened to shy away when the beaver came near.
|
doing skype sexy time
|
[
"so... let me preface this by apologizing for any",
"errors because i'm on mobile. also a throwaway",
"cause i'm so embarrassed.",
"set up. today i received a text, out of the blue,",
"from a longtime friend. she (19) and i (19 m)",
"have known each other since about first grade.",
"the text asked me that, were someone to offer me",
"a blow job, if i'd accept. thinking one of her",
"friends took her phone and is simply messing with",
"me, i answer coyly. \"is that a proposition?\"",
"\"yes,\" she replied, \"i'm offering to give you",
"head.\"",
"i feign concern, ask if her bf isn't doing it for",
"her anymore, etc (remember, i'm thinking that",
"this is one of her friends) and to make a long",
"story a bit shorter, i found out that it actually",
"is her and that her bf not only dumped her, but",
"cheated on her. apparently, i was her goto",
"revenge fun. i'm not complaining.",
"fast forward to later in the evening. seeing as i",
"live a fair distance from her and can't get into",
"town soon, we skype. it starts out innocent",
"enough, but soon progresses to clothes coming off",
"and sexual questions tossed around like confetti.",
"it was fun. she's stunning, i've liked her for",
"years, my head swims because this is so fucking",
"awesome.",
"right? \n\n***wrong.***",
"dead wrong. we're going along and, honestly, it",
"was my first time through the computer. kind of",
"awkward but so hot i didn't care. she looked (and",
"sounded) like she was having a good time and i",
"know that i was.",
"and then it hits me.",
"like a slap from a massively erect god whose",
"erectile prowess is sapping all ability to stay",
"hard from my own body, i get soft and limp. i",
"look down in shame, and feel in my cheeks a deep,",
"burning rouge. i stammer an apology, making the",
"honest statement that this has never happened",
"before. usually, things are picture perfect.",
"she says my embarrassment is cute and reminds me",
"that it would be impossible for that to happen",
"when it comes down to it. this was just a",
"rehearsal and the final act needs some work.",
"she says that she ought to sleep. i agree.",
"i've been staring at my computer, occasionally",
"glancing with disdain at my flaccid genitals, and",
"sipping a glass of scotch as i type this up.",
"edit: duck you, you ducking phone, you ducking",
"piece of trash."
] |
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the text asked me that, were someone to offer me honest statement that this has never happened
|
15 | 2 | 0.9 | 15 |
a little background.
i live with my roommate who thank god has a 3-11pm work schedule on weekends so he was not around for my fuck up today. i have spent most of today watching netflix and hulu catching up with shows when i realized i had been a major slob and decided to go running.
i got ready started to head outside and realized my cat had missed his litter box and left a turd in the middle of the living room. we have hardwood floors so it wasnt too much of a hassle to clean but i remember muttering something to the cat and being upset with it.
anyways commence my jog. i live in the city so about a block and a half away from my apartment, i felt a bit of uneasiness in my abdomen. i attributed this to being a lazy potato all day and just continued with my jog anyways.
ever since moving here, karma has played a very interesting thing in my life. its been mostly coincidental things but things that are just too weird to simply shrug off, enough to make me think about them. things such as talking about casually seeing friends in odd places and having it come true, or predicting the names of random strangers etc.
today made me believe that karma is entirely out there.
i am now about half a mile away from my apartment, its about 4 in the afternoon and the sun is pretty hot here on the east coast. im sweating and my body is really not enjoying the humidity. i now realize the stomach pains are more than just exercise pains.
no, they were bowel pains. i suddenly, half a mile away from my apartment, with only my house keys had to shit like i never had to before. i pained, i groaned as i started to limp, clench, speed walk, squat and generally make weird ass body motions to control my ass from exploding. the next 30 mins were the most painful, awkward moments of my life as i trudged through city blocks, sitting down and resting trying to get home.
i make it only about 2 blocks when i cant do it anymore. i shit my pants. it was horrible. it was wet, and it dripped down past my leg and left a huge turd in my boxers. i wear those boxer briefs so it kept it all together and it was just there. this horrible situation.
i said fuck it at that point and ran home as fast as i could. i got home leaving drips of shit and i ended up tripping over my own two feet getting to the bathroom and leaving a mess of a trail behind me.
it was the worst.
i fucked up severely.
so that thing i muttered to my cat this morning? it was
"you dont see me pooping on the floor! ya damn cat why cant you poop in the litter!"
it pretty much looked like [this](http://www.bubblews.com/assets/images/news/143166852_1362487068.jpg) nsfw (poop)
|
dont ever condemn your pets for pooping on the floor.
|
unleashing cosmic karmic poop on myself.
|
[
"a little background.",
"i live with my roommate who thank god has a",
"3-11pm work schedule on weekends so he was not",
"around for my fuck up today. i have spent most of",
"today watching netflix and hulu catching up with",
"shows when i realized i had been a major slob and",
"decided to go running.",
"i got ready started to head outside and realized",
"my cat had missed his litter box and left a turd",
"in the middle of the living room. we have",
"hardwood floors so it wasnt too much of a hassle",
"to clean but i remember muttering something to",
"the cat and being upset with it.",
"anyways commence my jog. i live in the city so",
"about a block and a half away from my apartment,",
"i felt a bit of uneasiness in my abdomen. i",
"attributed this to being a lazy potato all day",
"and just continued with my jog anyways.",
"ever since moving here, karma has played a very",
"interesting thing in my life. its been mostly",
"coincidental things but things that are just too",
"weird to simply shrug off, enough to make me",
"think about them. things such as talking about",
"casually seeing friends in odd places and having",
"it come true, or predicting the names of random",
"strangers etc.",
"today made me believe that karma is entirely out",
"there.",
"i am now about half a mile away from my",
"apartment, its about 4 in the afternoon and the",
"sun is pretty hot here on the east coast. im",
"sweating and my body is really not enjoying the",
"humidity. i now realize the stomach pains are",
"more than just exercise pains.",
"no, they were bowel pains. i suddenly, half a",
"mile away from my apartment, with only my house",
"keys had to shit like i never had to before. i",
"pained, i groaned as i started to limp, clench,",
"speed walk, squat and generally make weird ass",
"body motions to control my ass from exploding.",
"the next 30 mins were the most painful, awkward",
"moments of my life as i trudged through city",
"blocks, sitting down and resting trying to get",
"home.",
"i make it only about 2 blocks when i cant do it",
"anymore. i shit my pants. it was horrible. it was",
"wet, and it dripped down past my leg and left a",
"huge turd in my boxers. i wear those boxer briefs",
"so it kept it all together and it was just there.",
"this horrible situation.",
"i said fuck it at that point and ran home as fast",
"as i could. i got home leaving drips of shit and",
"i ended up tripping over my own two feet getting",
"to the bathroom and leaving a mess of a trail",
"behind me.",
"it was the worst.\n\ni fucked up severely.",
"so that thing i muttered to my cat this morning?",
"it was",
"\"you dont see me pooping on the floor! ya damn",
"cat why cant you poop in the litter!\"",
"it pretty much looked like",
"[this](http://www.bubblews.com/assets/images/news",
"/143166852_1362487068.jpg)",
"nsfw (poop)"
] |
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"you dont see me pooping on the floor! ya damn
|
6 | 3 | 0.58 | 6 |
so there i was, about twenty mins ago, trusting farts. last night i went out and got rather fucking pissed so i know it's stupid to trust farts on the day of the beeriod.
i've been trusting them all day long, being very cautious which lead me to being cocky and just letting them poison the air around me with the vile smell of shit and last nights stupidness. when one toddles along and enters the cannon to be fired out, me being cocky about my farts let it fucking rip! yeah... nope. shouldn't have trusted that one. i immediately felt the warmth of shit in between my arse cheeks. running to the toilet, i let out another by accident. a little more shit followed.
i'm now sat on the toilet with my shitty boxers staring at me in the face while i'm practically pissing out of my arse.
|
went out drinking last night, got hammered. trusted a fart and pretty much shit myself.
|
trusting a fart.
|
[
"so there i was, about twenty mins ago, trusting",
"farts. last night i went out and got rather",
"fucking pissed so i know it's stupid to trust",
"farts on the day of the beeriod.",
"i've been trusting them all day long, being very",
"cautious which lead me to being cocky and just",
"letting them poison the air around me with the",
"vile smell of shit and last nights stupidness.",
"when one toddles along and enters the cannon to",
"be fired out, me being cocky about my farts let",
"it fucking rip! yeah... nope. shouldn't have",
"trusted that one. i immediately felt the warmth",
"of shit in between my arse cheeks. running to the",
"toilet, i let out another by accident. a little",
"more shit followed.",
"i'm now sat on the toilet with my shitty boxers",
"staring at me in the face while i'm practically",
"pissing out of my arse."
] |
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farts. last night i went out and got rather more shit followed.
|
18 | 9 | 0.85 | 18 |
throwaway time ....
this week i was at an small out-of-state event where a family member was receiving an award. one of my family members knows someone who knows someone, and managed to get one of the state senators to attend the presentation. note that this was not a public event: it was really just a family party.
my uncle, hosting the event, called me last week and asked if i would introduce the senator. sure, no problem. it was impressed upon me that the senator's time is in demand, so he would be first on the schedule, give a short speech, then leave. therefore, my introduction was also the opening of the event. i asked if i was expected to give a bio or anything, and my uncle said, "oh, no, nothing like that."
now, i'm not much of a public speaker. i like to write, but that's because you have a lot of time to prepare, rewrite, and present yourself just how you like. so i tend to overprepare for things. as the "emcee" of the event, i prepared a welcome for the guests and a funny anecdote about the family member who was being honored. i kept it to about 3 minutes, because - as someone who hates public speaking - i always have the vague feeling that i'm wasting everyone's time.
i also looked up the proper form of address for a senator and checked the pronunciation of his name. also, i don't live in his state and don't know much about him, so i glanced over his bio sheet even though i wouldn't need to use anything from it. because, you know, i like to be prepared!
i arrived at the "small family party". imagine my surprise to see the press there, along with a small entourage of advance people from the senator's office. i was pulled aside by a member of his staff, who told me that i didn't have to "speak for half an hour or anything" but that i could just give "whatever highlights from the senator's bio sheet had struck me as mentionable". and that she was happy to check over my comments in advance if i had a printed copy with me.
you know that dream where you're in a play but you haven't memorized your lines? well, this was it. i mean, of course the senator wanted me to rattle off all the things he'd done in his career. that was the reason he was here - to have someone give a rah-rah speech in front of the reporters. once i thought of it that way, it was blindingly obvious what i should have prepared, but hadn't.
i told her, sotto voce, that i suddenly felt really unprepared, that i hadn't planned on giving a speech, and had intended to merely say his name and turn the floor over to him. she gave me this really icy smile, and then said, well, you could just say .... and then rattled off about 10 organizations, committees, etc, that i had no hope of remembering. um, ok.
the event was starting in just a few minutes; i was on. i got up to the mic, did my family introduction, and then started in. i tried (really i did) to remember a few of the pointers the dragon lady had suggested, but the last thing i wanted to do was to get the names or titles wrong, so within about 15 seconds it devolved into essentially, "um....and lots of other .... really ... impressive ... stuff...."
cheeks red, i said his name and got the fuck off the stage. truly the most humiliating moment of my life. after the senator's speech (which was gracious and excellent), he spent a few minutes shaking hands and taking photographs with people, but walked right by me without a word. he must have thought i'd snubbed and insulted him on purpose, as no one could have 'accidentally' been that unprepared.
the worst part: seeing my father, who's the picture of propriety and an excellent public speaker, shaking his head and looking away from me. i'm sure (i hope!) he's never been that ashamed of me in his life. also, the family member who pulled strings to get the senator there and who had requested that i be the one to make the introduction didn't speak to me for the rest of the day.
|
knew i had to give a speech, but didn't write a speech
|
introducing a senator
|
[
"throwaway time ....",
"this week i was at an small out-of-state event",
"where a family member was receiving an award. one",
"of my family members knows someone who knows",
"someone, and managed to get one of the state",
"senators to attend the presentation. note that",
"this was not a public event: it was really just a",
"family party.",
"my uncle, hosting the event, called me last week",
"and asked if i would introduce the senator. sure,",
"no problem. it was impressed upon me that the",
"senator's time is in demand, so he would be first",
"on the schedule, give a short speech, then leave.",
"therefore, my introduction was also the opening",
"of the event. i asked if i was expected to give a",
"bio or anything, and my uncle said, \"oh, no,",
"nothing like that.\"",
"now, i'm not much of a public speaker. i like to",
"write, but that's because you have a lot of time",
"to prepare, rewrite, and present yourself just",
"how you like. so i tend to overprepare for",
"things. as the \"emcee\" of the event, i prepared a",
"welcome for the guests and a funny anecdote about",
"the family member who was being honored. i kept",
"it to about 3 minutes, because - as someone who",
"hates public speaking - i always have the vague",
"feeling that i'm wasting everyone's time.",
"i also looked up the proper form of address for a",
"senator and checked the pronunciation of his",
"name. also, i don't live in his state and don't",
"know much about him, so i glanced over his bio",
"sheet even though i wouldn't need to use anything",
"from it. because, you know, i like to be",
"prepared!",
"i arrived at the \"small family party\". imagine my",
"surprise to see the press there, along with a",
"small entourage of advance people from the",
"senator's office. i was pulled aside by a member",
"of his staff, who told me that i didn't have to",
"\"speak for half an hour or anything\" but that i",
"could just give \"whatever highlights from the",
"senator's bio sheet had struck me as",
"mentionable\". and that she was happy to check",
"over my comments in advance if i had a printed",
"copy with me.",
"you know that dream where you're in a play but",
"you haven't memorized your lines? well, this was",
"it. i mean, of course the senator wanted me to",
"rattle off all the things he'd done in his",
"career. that was the reason he was here - to have",
"someone give a rah-rah speech in front of the",
"reporters. once i thought of it that way, it was",
"blindingly obvious what i should have prepared,",
"but hadn't.",
"i told her, sotto voce, that i suddenly felt",
"really unprepared, that i hadn't planned on",
"giving a speech, and had intended to merely say",
"his name and turn the floor over to him. she gave",
"me this really icy smile, and then said, well,",
"you could just say .... and then rattled off",
"about 10 organizations, committees, etc, that i",
"had no hope of remembering. um, ok.",
"the event was starting in just a few minutes; i",
"was on. i got up to the mic, did my family",
"introduction, and then started in. i tried",
"(really i did) to remember a few of the pointers",
"the dragon lady had suggested, but the last thing",
"i wanted to do was to get the names or titles",
"wrong, so within about 15 seconds it devolved",
"into essentially, \"um....and lots of other ....",
"really ... impressive ... stuff....\"",
"cheeks red, i said his name and got the fuck off",
"the stage. truly the most humiliating moment of",
"my life. after the senator's speech (which was",
"gracious and excellent), he spent a few minutes",
"shaking hands and taking photographs with people,",
"but walked right by me without a word. he must",
"have thought i'd snubbed and insulted him on",
"purpose, as no one could have 'accidentally' been",
"that unprepared.",
"the worst part: seeing my father, who's the",
"picture of propriety and an excellent public",
"speaker, shaking his head and looking away from",
"me. i'm sure (i hope!) he's never been that",
"ashamed of me in his life. also, the family",
"member who pulled strings to get the senator",
"there and who had requested that i be the one to",
"make the introduction didn't speak to me for the",
"rest of the day."
] |
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of the event. i asked if i was expected to give a giving a speech, and had intended to merely say
|
8 | 6 | 0.68 | 8 |
not today but a little over a year ago (just found this subreddit), was around 1-2 am on the weekend in my double in a dorm. was playing a game of league with my headphones on and couldn't really hear much. heard someone moving around, but i thought it was my roommate so i didn't really give it any thought.
suddenly, i hear the door close and lock. now, my roommate only locks the door before we go to sleep and usually tells me beforehand, so thought it was strange and turned away for a sec. and boom, half-naked muscular indian guy standing right there, saying nothing.
he was a sophomore that lived on our floor. i knew him, but not too well. he was just standing there looking at me. scared the shit out of me because i thought i was going to get raped. he ended up muttering some jibberish, stumbling around our room, and then proceeded to go to sleep in my roommate's bed.
i grab my roommate from the bathroom and we pull him from our room and put him to bed. so we get back to the room, i go back to playing league, and my roommate ask me, "hey d4rk_n1nj4, why is my desk all wet?" in his drunken stumbling, while i was playing league, this guy manages to pee all over my roommate's desk, and i didn't notice it at all. i proceed to close my laptop and laugh nonstop for about half an hour while i help him clean up. i ended up telling the guy that did it next morning. he didn't remember anything and was super embarrassed.
|
played league, wasn't paying any attention to anything else, unknowingly let a drunk guy pee on my roommate's desk.
|
playing league of legends
|
[
"not today but a little over a year ago (just found",
"this subreddit), was around 1-2 am on the weekend",
"in my double in a dorm. was playing a game of",
"league with my headphones on and couldn't really",
"hear much. heard someone moving around, but i",
"thought it was my roommate so i didn't really",
"give it any thought.",
"suddenly, i hear the door close and lock. now, my",
"roommate only locks the door before we go to",
"sleep and usually tells me beforehand, so thought",
"it was strange and turned away for a sec. and",
"boom, half-naked muscular indian guy standing",
"right there, saying nothing.",
"he was a sophomore that lived on our floor. i",
"knew him, but not too well. he was just standing",
"there looking at me. scared the shit out of me",
"because i thought i was going to get raped. he",
"ended up muttering some jibberish, stumbling",
"around our room, and then proceeded to go to",
"sleep in my roommate's bed.",
"i grab my roommate from the bathroom and we pull",
"him from our room and put him to bed. so we get",
"back to the room, i go back to playing league,",
"and my roommate ask me, \"hey d4rk_n1nj4, why is",
"my desk all wet?\" in his drunken stumbling, while",
"i was playing league, this guy manages to pee all",
"over my roommate's desk, and i didn't notice it",
"at all. i proceed to close my laptop and laugh",
"nonstop for about half an hour while i help him",
"clean up. i ended up telling the guy that did it",
"next morning. he didn't remember anything and was",
"super embarrassed."
] |
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give it any thought. i was playing league, this guy manages to pee all over my roommate's desk, and i didn't notice it
|
62 | 20 | 0.82 | 62 |
only a minor fuck up, but somewhat irritating nonetheless. it happened about 2 days ago
so, i work a 9-5:30 job in london. i'm an intern, so, usually i get out of work on time, and want to get home as quick as possible.
the only way out of london from where i work by tube is the jubilee line. following on from that i get a met line home, usually takes about an hour.
on this particular evening, i left work on time, only to find that both tube lines were part suspended due to some earlier signal failure and a trespasser on the track (i mean, what kind of a dumb fuck goes for a wander along the track at peak time?!). the crowds at the station were horrendous, and the barriers were shut off so no one was actually moving anywhere. needless to say, i decided to look for a different route home.
for some absurd reason, my brain thought calling for a cab in london would be smart. i knew it'd be expensive, but i figured it beats waiting in the crowd, and let's face it, i had no idea when i'd be able to catch a train.
the company i called told me it would be £25 to go from where i was to baker street. bit of a bitch, but hopefully it wouldn't take me too long to get home, and sure beats travelling at rush hour with all these delays... right?
wrong.
cab arrives at 6:15, at which point i'm already a little pissed since i would normally be close to home by this point, we set off and i drift off for a bit, since i figured it'd take about an hour in traffic.
i wake up and it's 7:10, and i know i'm not even close. we're stuck in traffic not too far from where i work, and it isn't moving. great. then i get a call from my parents, just letting me know that they've already eaten because they thought i wasn't coming home for dinner (i don't live at home). awesome...
it's at this point i realise i have no entertainment. i don't have my work laptop, i don't have my ds and i don't have my tablet. nor do i have my headphones. if any of you have ever been in a particularly long car journey, i'm sure you'll appreciate how horrible it is when you have nothing to keep yourself busy!
i start redditing on my phone, and about 5 minutes later - it dies. apparently i missed the low battery warning. thanks samsung!
so i sit there for another half hour thinking i'll be out of this stupid car *any minute now*, at which point the driver turns the radio on, and, as if to rub salt in the wound, a newsreader says:
*there are still severe delays on the metropolitan line* - the one i plan on catching from baker street.. followed by:
*the jubilee line is now running a regular service* - yep. the one i've just spent about and hour and a half in a cab driving through the entirety of london to avoid.
finally, at 8:04, the driver pulls in at marleybone to let me get cash out, and i pay him £25 for his trouble. he drops me off at baker street, and i get out the car - only then noticing that i hadn't shut my purse properly. about £10 worth of coins fell from the purse in my hand and landed everywhere. now, i'll be damned if i'm going to leave that money for someone else to find, so i picked up the coins that had landed in the car, and then proceeded to crawl around the outside of the car on my hands and knees picking up stray coins. i got so many odd looks (likely due to the fact i was doing this in a skirt).
i scurry away, embarrassed out of my mind and just all round irritated, only to find that i have no money on my oyster card and the queue is *huge*. i stand in line, top up, then make a dash for the uxbridge train that's about to leave the platform, getting my bag caught in the doors as they shut.
i finally sit down on the train, red faced, sweaty, and with a hole in my tights (i'm assuming from kneeling on the floor, but i didn't notice this until i was on the train). it took 40 minutes from baker street to my house, meaning i didn't get home till 9pm. on a normal day, i'd have had dinner, watched pointless and showered by this time.
on top of all this, i was home so late i couldn't be bothered with cooking, and i live across the road from a chinese restaurant. goodbye diet!
i really wish i'd just waited for the bloody train!
|
tube delays lead me to take a £25 tour of london, rip my tights, and ruin my reasonable attempt at a diet, whilst extending my journey home from 53 minutes to approximately 2 and a half hours
|
calling a cab
|
[
"only a minor fuck up, but somewhat irritating",
"nonetheless. it happened about 2 days ago",
"so, i work a 9-5:30 job in london. i'm an intern,",
"so, usually i get out of work on time, and want",
"to get home as quick as possible.",
"the only way out of london from where i work by",
"tube is the jubilee line. following on from that",
"i get a met line home, usually takes about an",
"hour.",
"on this particular evening, i left work on time,",
"only to find that both tube lines were part",
"suspended due to some earlier signal failure and",
"a trespasser on the track (i mean, what kind of a",
"dumb fuck goes for a wander along the track at",
"peak time?!). the crowds at the station were",
"horrendous, and the barriers were shut off so no",
"one was actually moving anywhere. needless to",
"say, i decided to look for a different route",
"home.",
"for some absurd reason, my brain thought calling",
"for a cab in london would be smart. i knew it'd",
"be expensive, but i figured it beats waiting in",
"the crowd, and let's face it, i had no idea when",
"i'd be able to catch a train.",
"the company i called told me it would be £25 to",
"go from where i was to baker street. bit of a",
"bitch, but hopefully it wouldn't take me too long",
"to get home, and sure beats travelling at rush",
"hour with all these delays... right?",
"wrong.",
"cab arrives at 6:15, at which point i'm already a",
"little pissed since i would normally be close to",
"home by this point, we set off and i drift off",
"for a bit, since i figured it'd take about an",
"hour in traffic.",
"i wake up and it's 7:10, and i know i'm not even",
"close. we're stuck in traffic not too far from",
"where i work, and it isn't moving. great. then i",
"get a call from my parents, just letting me know",
"that they've already eaten because they thought i",
"wasn't coming home for dinner (i don't live at",
"home). awesome...",
"it's at this point i realise i have no",
"entertainment. i don't have my work laptop, i",
"don't have my ds and i don't have my tablet. nor",
"do i have my headphones. if any of you have ever",
"been in a particularly long car journey, i'm sure",
"you'll appreciate how horrible it is when you",
"have nothing to keep yourself busy!",
"i start redditing on my phone, and about 5",
"minutes later - it dies. apparently i missed the",
"low battery warning. thanks samsung!",
"so i sit there for another half hour thinking",
"i'll be out of this stupid car *any minute now*,",
"at which point the driver turns the radio on,",
"and, as if to rub salt in the wound, a newsreader",
"says:",
"*there are still severe delays on the",
"metropolitan line* - the one i plan on catching",
"from baker street.. followed by:",
"*the jubilee line is now running a regular",
"service* - yep. the one i've just spent about and",
"hour and a half in a cab driving through the",
"entirety of london to avoid.",
"finally, at 8:04, the driver pulls in at",
"marleybone to let me get cash out, and i pay him",
"£25 for his trouble. he drops me off at baker",
"street, and i get out the car - only then",
"noticing that i hadn't shut my purse properly.",
"about £10 worth of coins fell from the purse in",
"my hand and landed everywhere. now, i'll be",
"damned if i'm going to leave that money for",
"someone else to find, so i picked up the coins",
"that had landed in the car, and then proceeded to",
"crawl around the outside of the car on my hands",
"and knees picking up stray coins. i got so many",
"odd looks (likely due to the fact i was doing",
"this in a skirt).",
"i scurry away, embarrassed out of my mind and",
"just all round irritated, only to find that i",
"have no money on my oyster card and the queue is",
"*huge*. i stand in line, top up, then make a dash",
"for the uxbridge train that's about to leave the",
"platform, getting my bag caught in the doors as",
"they shut.",
"i finally sit down on the train, red faced,",
"sweaty, and with a hole in my tights (i'm",
"assuming from kneeling on the floor, but i didn't",
"notice this until i was on the train). it took 40",
"minutes from baker street to my house, meaning i",
"didn't get home till 9pm. on a normal day, i'd",
"have had dinner, watched pointless and showered",
"by this time.",
"on top of all this, i was home so late i couldn't",
"be bothered with cooking, and i live across the",
"road from a chinese restaurant. goodbye diet!",
"i really wish i'd just waited for the bloody",
"train!"
] |
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home. hour and a half in a cab driving through the entirety of london to avoid. sweaty, and with a hole in my tights (i'm
|
7 | 14 | 0.61 | 7 |
so let me be clear, i am a kanye west fan and really like his music. whether or not i am correct is an entirely different matter, but for now, let's agree to disagree.
my dad and i were watching game 7 of the nba finals together. we've been catching all the games as, we both like it, and it makes for some good father-son time (me: 23 years old, college grad living at home, but employed, for which i'm grateful). after an exciting first half, during the start of tv analysis, my dad asked, "hey, can i hear some of that kanye west?"
tifu because i said yes. here's what happened.
i had been talking a lot about kanye in the last few days. i really liked the symphonic and grandiose parts in his last record, and "yeezus," his album that came out this last tuesday, had subverted his previous record so much i was on a "literary-critique high." i had tried to explain to my dad how this new record was so experimental. so first, i decided, i should play him my favorite song off his last album, "[all of the lights](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2a_wma5asss)."
my dad seemed to enjoy this. he agreed that it was different from the rap he's heard, which, to be honest, is certainly not a lot. so then, in my brilliant idea was to show him the first track off of "[yeezus: on sight.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53gawwemol8)" this second song, is, lyrically, kanye being just about as obscene/ as much of an asshole as ever. i like the song because of that, in part, and because of its crazy instrumentals.
well, my dad did not take this well. "what did he say?" he said, asking for clarifications on lines like, "black dick up in your spouse again," "no sports bra, let's keep it poppin'," and "but i got her back and i put my dick in her mouuuuthh."
suffice to say, he was not impressed by this "creativity," or however the fuck i had hyped it up. the second half of the nba game was pretty silent.
kanye, i dig it, but damn... just damn...
|
kanye west caused an awkward moment with my dad.
|
showing my dad kanye west's new album, "yeezus."
|
[
"so let me be clear, i am a kanye west fan and",
"really like his music. whether or not i am",
"correct is an entirely different matter, but for",
"now, let's agree to disagree.",
"my dad and i were watching game 7 of the nba",
"finals together. we've been catching all the",
"games as, we both like it, and it makes for some",
"good father-son time (me: 23 years old, college",
"grad living at home, but employed, for which i'm",
"grateful). after an exciting first half, during",
"the start of tv analysis, my dad asked, \"hey, can",
"i hear some of that kanye west?\"",
"tifu because i said yes. here's what happened.",
"i had been talking a lot about kanye in the last",
"few days. i really liked the symphonic and",
"grandiose parts in his last record, and \"yeezus,\"",
"his album that came out this last tuesday, had",
"subverted his previous record so much i was on a",
"\"literary-critique high.\" i had tried to explain",
"to my dad how this new record was so",
"experimental. so first, i decided, i should play",
"him my favorite song off his last album, \"[all of",
"the",
"lights](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2a_wma5ass",
"s).\"",
"my dad seemed to enjoy this. he agreed that it",
"was different from the rap he's heard, which, to",
"be honest, is certainly not a lot. so then, in",
"my brilliant idea was to show him the first track",
"off of \"[yeezus: on",
"sight.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53gawwemol",
"8)\"",
"this second song, is, lyrically, kanye being",
"just about as obscene/ as much of an asshole as",
"ever. i like the song because of that, in part,",
"and because of its crazy instrumentals.",
"well, my dad did not take this well. \"what did",
"he say?\" he said, asking for clarifications on",
"lines like, \"black dick up in your spouse again,\"",
"\"no sports bra, let's keep it poppin',\" and \"but",
"i got her back and i put my dick in her",
"mouuuuthh.\"",
"suffice to say, he was not impressed by this",
"\"creativity,\" or however the fuck i had hyped it",
"up. the second half of the nba game was pretty",
"silent.",
"kanye, i dig it, but damn... just damn..."
] |
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i hear some of that kanye west?"
|
201 | 61 | 0.92 | 201 |
this actually happened a year ago. i had planned a vacation and took 5 days off of work to sit around the house and play video games. last day before my vacation i notice my unibrow is growing back so i shave it with a razor, no big deal.
day 2 the area is a little sore, i ignore it, i get pimples sometimes.
day 3 i see a pimple and try with all my might to bust it wide open. nothing happens and it kinda has that pulsing pain feeling. i fall asleep to it.
day 4 i wake up and my fucking eye is swollen shut and the whole side of my face has gained a pound. i feel like i rubbed the side of my head against a cheese grater and then dumped my head in alcohol. the pain sucks and i'm starting to throw up everywhere.
i rush to the emergency room, they put me on an iv and give me a pill for dizziness. wtf. i throw up on the nurse because i have a heavy head and my brain feels like its exploding. pill kicks in and i feel a little better and they give me some antibiotics and tell me i'm going to need plastic surgery. uh ok, but i want a second opinion.
morning of day 5 it's saturday i try to find a doctor that can help me on the weekend. fuck me.
i found a doctor, he sees my face and starts saying , " oh shit that's nasty. we are gonna lance it. you ready?"
i don't know what lance means because i'm a retard.
dr. calls nurse in, she sees my face and i see her face make a face at my face. i feel very scared now. they have a needle and they stick it into the giant boil/tumor on my head near my eye.
fucking red unbearable pain grips my whole existence. i start to feel liquid on my face and the nurse is gagging. they doctor sounds like he isn't breathing through his nose to talk. he is saying "this is fucking nasty, damn" and cursing more frequently now. the nurse leaves and i hear her puke. i see pus and blood soaked paper things.
my head feels better, doctor packs it and gives me antibiotics. i go home and my vacation was obliterated.
|
boil almost destroyed my eyeball because i wanted to pop a pimple. i'm a terrible writer but i hope i got the point across.
|
popping a pimple near my eye.
|
[
"this actually happened a year ago. i had planned a",
"vacation and took 5 days off of work to sit",
"around the house and play video games. last day",
"before my vacation i notice my unibrow is growing",
"back so i shave it with a razor, no big deal.",
"day 2 the area is a little sore, i ignore it, i",
"get pimples sometimes.",
"day 3 i see a pimple and try with all my might to",
"bust it wide open. nothing happens and it kinda",
"has that pulsing pain feeling. i fall asleep to",
"it.",
"day 4 i wake up and my fucking eye is swollen",
"shut and the whole side of my face has gained a",
"pound. i feel like i rubbed the side of my head",
"against a cheese grater and then dumped my head",
"in alcohol. the pain sucks and i'm starting to",
"throw up everywhere.",
"i rush to the emergency room, they put me on an",
"iv and give me a pill for dizziness. wtf. i throw",
"up on the nurse because i have a heavy head and",
"my brain feels like its exploding. pill kicks in",
"and i feel a little better and they give me some",
"antibiotics and tell me i'm going to need plastic",
"surgery. uh ok, but i want a second opinion.",
"morning of day 5 it's saturday i try to find a",
"doctor that can help me on the weekend. fuck me.",
"i found a doctor, he sees my face and starts",
"saying , \" oh shit that's nasty. we are gonna",
"lance it. you ready?\"",
"i don't know what lance means because i'm a",
"retard.",
"dr. calls nurse in, she sees my face and i see",
"her face make a face at my face. i feel very",
"scared now. they have a needle and they stick it",
"into the giant boil/tumor on my head near my eye.",
"fucking red unbearable pain grips my whole",
"existence. i start to feel liquid on my face and",
"the nurse is gagging. they doctor sounds like he",
"isn't breathing through his nose to talk. he is",
"saying \"this is fucking nasty, damn\" and cursing",
"more frequently now. the nurse leaves and i hear",
"her puke. i see pus and blood soaked paper",
"things.",
"my head feels better, doctor packs it and gives",
"me antibiotics. i go home and my vacation was",
"obliterated."
] |
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day 3 i see a pimple and try with all my might to surgery. uh ok, but i want a second opinion. i don't know what lance means because i'm a
|
19 | 3 | 0.74 | 19 |
technically this was a few weeks ago but it certainly qualifies for tifu. this is something that has bugged me on and off but was just an awful experience when it happened. i'm a sub-contractor & occasionally i work for an old french carpenter. usually with him i end up just being 'the helper' because he prefers to do a lot of things himself. it's usually a descent way to earn some cash though it pays less than other contractors & i like his positive attitude he's very pleasant to work with. so one day we go to a job site to replace a few doors on a house. when we get there this woman comes out and starts bitching up a storm about everything. i guess she's the homeowner's ugly girlfriend at the time we thought she was his wife and the way the house it seemed like she could be a tenant.
she complained very nastily to my employer that he was supposed to be here a few days ago to which he explained the door wasn't available yet so she complained that he should have called. keep in mind that he also has no idea who this bitch is. she makes a comment that one of the doors has the french dividers and that it doesn't mach the front door of the foyer which doesn't have dividers. he explains that it was the homeowner's choice so she calls to confirm this and tells him on the phone "well i think it looks stupid but whatever it's your house." she then found something else to complain about in that it's supposed to rain today "who is dumb enough to come install a door in the rain?" at this point my employer is just frowning trying to get to work and hope this woman is going to leave us alone. she says something else about our being there being bad timing in that she is about to leave on an errand (not that her presence really matters). so she get's in her car and my employer turns to me and says "this chick is such a bitch!" which just made me die laughing because he's one of the few people i consider to be a real christian; he's very kind and accepting of everyone, he does everything he can to "be like jesus" and i respect him a lot for how true he is to that. so, when i heard him call someone a bitch it was especially unexpected.
we get to work unloading tools getting the doors off the van getting materials out and we realize that an attachment for the back door which we got from home depot is the wrong one. so he quickly takes the box & attachments put's them in the car and places me on tool babysitting duty which is the closest thing to a break i get. my job hence forth is don't let anyone steal the tools if it starts raining put the tools in the garage.
after a few minutes it starts raining so i move all the tools into the garage for shelter. in the severely cluttered, unusable 3-door garage is a tractor mower which is right next to the only place i could put the tools. i have a while to wait so i sit down in the comfy tractor chair and read my book while i wait. after about fifteen minutes or so the woman returns in her car. she parks in the driveway, gets out, slams her car door and stomps across the pavement shouting "excuse me! excuse me! excuse me! what do you think you're doing?" initially i want to finish the paragraph or the sentence or at least the word i'm reading. i also don't want anything to do with this woman and want her to leave me alone. she shouts again at the top of her lungs "excuse me!!!!!!!" so i finally turn around with a sigh and she asks again "what do you think you're doing". "sitting, reading" i think to myself. finally i ask, "uhm, who are you?" "i live here!" she stammers. "yes, but who are you" she gives me a blank glare. she commands me to walk over to her which i'm reluctant to do and i don't really have to listen to a thing she says. she exclaims that i have absolutely no reason to be in the garage touching their things. "it's raining", i tell her. (which is the exact reason i'm in the garage) i tell her that my employer had to go get something but she doesn't even seem to have listened to what i was saying but apparently it translated into a punk comment in her head. she asks again "what the hell do you think you're doing touching our stuff" which is a big reason why i had asked who she was because i couldn't believe she was married to the homeowner. so i tell her again, "it's raining the tools are in the garage so they don't get wet." she replies "well you should have come out to work on a door when it's going to rain anyway." 'because yeah i totally have control over my employer's work schedule', i think to myself. (i later confirmed that she was not & had no claim to the things in the garage not that i was doing any harm worthy of offense anyway) so i tell her i'm just sitting waiting for my employer to return so she points to the ground and says "you can sit right there". so finally i look her dead in the eyes and i feel there is something else going on here so i ask, "why are you doing this?" "doing what?!" she replies.
"why are you acting this way? what's going on; what's wrong in your life right now?" she completely doesn't hear me though i'm talking directly to her face. she asks "acting like what?!" i just give her a look without even trying that says 'i think you know'. she says "you're just a little punk aren't you. you're never going to get anywhere in life." (like, what? where did that come from) 'and exactly where have you gotten in your life', i think to myself. she orders me to take the tools out of the garage and get out of the garage, she's locking it up and i of course have absolutely no reason or authority to be in there. i refuse, of course, she is not my employer what she just told me to do directly contradicts my employer's instructions. she threatens at this point to call the police and walks off saying i have to get the tools out of the garage (and into the rain). she comes back with her phone talking shit about me & my employer to the homeowner. she tells me, "he said he doesn't know you; you have no reason to be in the garage you have to get out." she hands me the phone and i talk to the homeowner who sounds exhausted to deal with the situation. he echo's that he doesn't want me in the garage & that he has a lot of expensive things in there. i explain to him that i am no threat to his property and that such a threat would be counterproductive to my job. i continue to explain that my employer has gone to get a part for the door we had the wrong one. i explain that he'll be back soon & we'll continue working; until then i need to keep the tools in the garage as we have some electronics that could become damaged. "liar!" chimes the woman. i don't appear to be getting chewed out as she wanted so she begins demanding i return the phone mid sentence. i explain to the homeowner that i was only sitting on the chair of his tractor as there is no other place to sit down. i caused no harm and meant no offense. "liar, your not telling the truth! give me my phone back, give me my phone back, give me!... (this repeats obnoxiously until i finally have a chance to relay that she is demanded her phone back to the homeowner who sounded rather ok with my presence in the garage at this point.) she snatched back the phone and tells the homeowner that i'm lying, there's no reason to be in the garage, there are no electronics (at that i glance down directly at the power tools) and that i'm being a little insulting punk trying to start shit. i this point i finally let my ego show and say "look who's talking" to which she says into her phone "did you hear that, he just talked back to me!" she finally left saying that i have to get out of the garage or she'll call the police and i have to get the tools out or they're getting locked inside the garage. she then leaves complaining into her phone & goes into the foyer and locks the door to the foyer as well as her apartment door. the garage remains accessible and the foyer remains accessible as the back door to the foyer must remain unlocked so we can replace it. i can not say with certainty that she actually knew how to lock the garage. i was really upset just having to deal with this cunt of a woman & my anxiety was really spiked. i didn't want to have another incident so i looked around for a solution. i was able to move all the tools & the material to a sheltered but damp area under the back porch where i tried to continue reading "a clash of kings" but i was just too upset to enjoy tryion's machiavellism.
later when my employer had returned and the homeowner stopped by she came out to complain about my "punk attitude" & tried talking shit about me to my employer. he has known me all my life as he attends the church i was forced to attend growing up. so he had mixed beliefs as to if there was any merit to her story but he also knew damn well if there was merit that she deserved it. so when she called in the homeowner to bitch about me he came up to me chuckling and asked "did you call her a bitch" with a big ass grin on his face. i said no she was just looking for something to have a problem with & i was sitting in a tractor chair. we continued to work and every time her voice got louder we just looked at each other and chuckled again. it was fun laughing about it but the experience was very stressful and i would have preferred not to have worked at all on that job. that (cough* cunt!) woman's aura is like a poison!
|
tifu by giving a crazy bitch, who was looking for something to complain about something she thought good enough to freak out about.
|
sitting in a convenient chair. [rant]-(ish)
|
[
"technically this was a few weeks ago but it",
"certainly qualifies for tifu. this is something",
"that has bugged me on and off but was just an",
"awful experience when it happened. i'm a",
"sub-contractor & occasionally i work for an old",
"french carpenter. usually with him i end up just",
"being 'the helper' because he prefers to do a lot",
"of things himself. it's usually a descent way to",
"earn some cash though it pays less than other",
"contractors & i like his positive attitude he's",
"very pleasant to work with. so one day we go to",
"a job site to replace a few doors on a house.",
"when we get there this woman comes out and starts",
"bitching up a storm about everything. i guess",
"she's the homeowner's ugly girlfriend at the time",
"we thought she was his wife and the way the house",
"it seemed like she could be a tenant.",
"she complained very nastily to my employer that",
"he was supposed to be here a few days ago to",
"which he explained the door wasn't available yet",
"so she complained that he should have called.",
"keep in mind that he also has no idea who this",
"bitch is. she makes a comment that one of the",
"doors has the french dividers and that it doesn't",
"mach the front door of the foyer which doesn't",
"have dividers. he explains that it was the",
"homeowner's choice so she calls to confirm this",
"and tells him on the phone \"well i think it looks",
"stupid but whatever it's your house.\" she then",
"found something else to complain about in that",
"it's supposed to rain today \"who is dumb enough",
"to come install a door in the rain?\" at this",
"point my employer is just frowning trying to get",
"to work and hope this woman is going to leave us",
"alone. she says something else about our being",
"there being bad timing in that she is about to",
"leave on an errand (not that her presence really",
"matters). so she get's in her car and my",
"employer turns to me and says \"this chick is such",
"a bitch!\" which just made me die laughing because",
"he's one of the few people i consider to be a",
"real christian; he's very kind and accepting of",
"everyone, he does everything he can to \"be like",
"jesus\" and i respect him a lot for how true he is",
"to that. so, when i heard him call someone a",
"bitch it was especially unexpected.",
"we get to work unloading tools getting the doors",
"off the van getting materials out and we realize",
"that an attachment for the back door which we got",
"from home depot is the wrong one. so he quickly",
"takes the box & attachments put's them in the car",
"and places me on tool babysitting duty which is",
"the closest thing to a break i get. my job hence",
"forth is don't let anyone steal the tools if it",
"starts raining put the tools in the garage.",
"after a few minutes it starts raining so i move",
"all the tools into the garage for shelter. in",
"the severely cluttered, unusable 3-door garage is",
"a tractor mower which is right next to the only",
"place i could put the tools. i have a while to",
"wait so i sit down in the comfy tractor chair and",
"read my book while i wait. after about fifteen",
"minutes or so the woman returns in her car. she",
"parks in the driveway, gets out, slams her car",
"door and stomps across the pavement shouting",
"\"excuse me! excuse me! excuse me! what do you",
"think you're doing?\" initially i want to finish",
"the paragraph or the sentence or at least the",
"word i'm reading. i also don't want anything to",
"do with this woman and want her to leave me",
"alone. she shouts again at the top of her lungs",
"\"excuse me!!!!!!!\" so i finally turn around with",
"a sigh and she asks again \"what do you think",
"you're doing\". \"sitting, reading\" i think to",
"myself. finally i ask, \"uhm, who are you?\" \"i",
"live here!\" she stammers. \"yes, but who are you\"",
"she gives me a blank glare. she commands me to",
"walk over to her which i'm reluctant to do and i",
"don't really have to listen to a thing she says.",
"she exclaims that i have absolutely no reason to",
"be in the garage touching their things. \"it's",
"raining\", i tell her. (which is the exact reason",
"i'm in the garage) i tell her that my employer",
"had to go get something but she doesn't even seem",
"to have listened to what i was saying but",
"apparently it translated into a punk comment in",
"her head. she asks again \"what the hell do you",
"think you're doing touching our stuff\" which is a",
"big reason why i had asked who she was because i",
"couldn't believe she was married to the",
"homeowner. so i tell her again, \"it's raining the",
"tools are in the garage so they don't get wet.\"",
"she replies \"well you should have come out to",
"work on a door when it's going to rain anyway.\"",
"'because yeah i totally have control over my",
"employer's work schedule', i think to myself. (i",
"later confirmed that she was not & had no claim",
"to the things in the garage not that i was doing",
"any harm worthy of offense anyway) so i tell her",
"i'm just sitting waiting for my employer to",
"return so she points to the ground and says \"you",
"can sit right there\". so finally i look her dead",
"in the eyes and i feel there is something else",
"going on here so i ask, \"why are you doing this?\"",
"\"doing what?!\" she replies.",
"\"why are you acting this way? what's going on;",
"what's wrong in your life right now?\" she",
"completely doesn't hear me though i'm talking",
"directly to her face. she asks \"acting like",
"what?!\" i just give her a look without even",
"trying that says 'i think you know'. she says",
"\"you're just a little punk aren't you. you're",
"never going to get anywhere in life.\" (like,",
"what? where did that come from) 'and exactly",
"where have you gotten in your life', i think to",
"myself. she orders me to take the tools out of",
"the garage and get out of the garage, she's",
"locking it up and i of course have absolutely no",
"reason or authority to be in there. i refuse, of",
"course, she is not my employer what she just told",
"me to do directly contradicts my employer's",
"instructions. she threatens at this point to",
"call the police and walks off saying i have to",
"get the tools out of the garage (and into the",
"rain). she comes back with her phone talking",
"shit about me & my employer to the homeowner.",
"she tells me, \"he said he doesn't know you; you",
"have no reason to be in the garage you have to",
"get out.\" she hands me the phone and i talk to",
"the homeowner who sounds exhausted to deal with",
"the situation. he echo's that he doesn't want me",
"in the garage & that he has a lot of expensive",
"things in there. i explain to him that i am no",
"threat to his property and that such a threat",
"would be counterproductive to my job. i continue",
"to explain that my employer has gone to get a",
"part for the door we had the wrong one. i explain",
"that he'll be back soon & we'll continue working;",
"until then i need to keep the tools in the garage",
"as we have some electronics that could become",
"damaged. \"liar!\" chimes the woman. i don't",
"appear to be getting chewed out as she wanted so",
"she begins demanding i return the phone mid",
"sentence. i explain to the homeowner that i was",
"only sitting on the chair of his tractor as there",
"is no other place to sit down. i caused no harm",
"and meant no offense. \"liar, your not telling the",
"truth! give me my phone back, give me my phone",
"back, give me!... (this repeats obnoxiously until",
"i finally have a chance to relay that she is",
"demanded her phone back to the homeowner who",
"sounded rather ok with my presence in the garage",
"at this point.) she snatched back the phone and",
"tells the homeowner that i'm lying, there's no",
"reason to be in the garage, there are no",
"electronics (at that i glance down directly at",
"the power tools) and that i'm being a little",
"insulting punk trying to start shit. i this point",
"i finally let my ego show and say \"look who's",
"talking\" to which she says into her phone \"did",
"you hear that, he just talked back to me!\" she",
"finally left saying that i have to get out of the",
"garage or she'll call the police and i have to",
"get the tools out or they're getting locked",
"inside the garage. she then leaves complaining",
"into her phone & goes into the foyer and locks",
"the door to the foyer as well as her apartment",
"door. the garage remains accessible and the",
"foyer remains accessible as the back door to the",
"foyer must remain unlocked so we can replace it.",
"i can not say with certainty that she actually",
"knew how to lock the garage. i was really upset",
"just having to deal with this cunt of a woman &",
"my anxiety was really spiked. i didn't want to",
"have another incident so i looked around for a",
"solution. i was able to move all the tools & the",
"material to a sheltered but damp area under the",
"back porch where i tried to continue reading \"a",
"clash of kings\" but i was just too upset to enjoy",
"tryion's machiavellism.",
"later when my employer had returned and the",
"homeowner stopped by she came out to complain",
"about my \"punk attitude\" & tried talking shit",
"about me to my employer. he has known me all my",
"life as he attends the church i was forced to",
"attend growing up. so he had mixed beliefs as to",
"if there was any merit to her story but he also",
"knew damn well if there was merit that she",
"deserved it. so when she called in the homeowner",
"to bitch about me he came up to me chuckling and",
"asked \"did you call her a bitch\" with a big ass",
"grin on his face. i said no she was just looking",
"for something to have a problem with & i was",
"sitting in a tractor chair. we continued to work",
"and every time her voice got louder we just",
"looked at each other and chuckled again. it was",
"fun laughing about it but the experience was very",
"stressful and i would have preferred not to have",
"worked at all on that job. that (cough* cunt!)",
"woman's aura is like a poison!"
] |
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] |
found something else to complain about in that homeowner stopped by she came out to complain for something to have a problem with & i was
|
1,242 | 144 | 0.96 | 1,242 |
i was rushing off to the gym and remembered i hadn't taken my vitamins and supps. yet for the day. so i grabbed my magic pills, which include 2 fish oil capsules, and went to down 'em on my way out the door. i quickly realized i had already put my water bottle in the car and was in too much of a hurry to get a new drink to swallow my pills with. i think to myself "oh, i'll just take them when i get in the car and have my water!" i had to grab a few other things and of course i can't hold 7ish pills in my hand for 85 seconds while grabbing headphones and car keys. 'brilliant idea!' put the pills in your sports bra, yoga pants have no pockets and the bra will keep 'em contained for a minute or two.
fast forward to 45 min. later. i'm in the gym. i'm sweating, i'm getting my pump on, guys are checking me out because i'm rocking it, i'm checking me out because there may actually be some definition in these chicken arms of mine. i grab a set of dumbbells in preparation for some reverse flyes. i pony up to the incline bench, press my boobs against the bench and let these 9.5" pythons show the rest of the gym what’s up!
annnd theeen....there's an explosion on my chest.
before i can even realize what has just burst all over my boobies, the smell hits me. fish! oh and it's strong. i immediately stop lifting and notice the bench is now covered in stinky fishy oil. i start getting looks from the people lifting next to me. my chest is covered in what looks like extreme cleavage sweat. i grab paper towels and cleaner to clean off the bench but the oil is just smearing and covering the bench for the next unfortunate user. the smell of fish is now taking over the free weight area. i’m getting looks from other gym goers within a 10 ft radius and i overhear one guy say to his buddy as they glance over at me, “what’s that smell? smells like a fish market in july.” all i hear as i’m beelining for the door is the response from his friend, “smells like your sister’s underwear drawer.”
grrrrreeeeaaaaaat. please erase my face and my 9.5” pythons from your memory.
edit: wow, front page of today i fucked up, such an.... honor?
|
put fish oil capsules in my bra. they exploded leaving me smelling like a 2nd rate seafood emporium.
|
i am the stinky fish girl
|
[
"i was rushing off to the gym and remembered i",
"hadn't taken my vitamins and supps. yet for the",
"day. so i grabbed my magic pills, which include 2",
"fish oil capsules, and went to down 'em on my way",
"out the door. i quickly realized i had already",
"put my water bottle in the car and was in too",
"much of a hurry to get a new drink to swallow my",
"pills with. i think to myself \"oh, i'll just take",
"them when i get in the car and have my water!\" i",
"had to grab a few other things and of course i",
"can't hold 7ish pills in my hand for 85 seconds",
"while grabbing headphones and car keys.",
"'brilliant idea!' put the pills in your sports",
"bra, yoga pants have no pockets and the bra will",
"keep 'em contained for a minute or two.",
"fast forward to 45 min. later. i'm in the gym.",
"i'm sweating, i'm getting my pump on, guys are",
"checking me out because i'm rocking it, i'm",
"checking me out because there may actually be",
"some definition in these chicken arms of mine. i",
"grab a set of dumbbells in preparation for some",
"reverse flyes. i pony up to the incline bench,",
"press my boobs against the bench and let these",
"9.5\" pythons show the rest of the gym what’s up!",
"annnd theeen....there's an explosion on my chest.",
"before i can even realize what has just burst all",
"over my boobies, the smell hits me. fish! oh and",
"it's strong. i immediately stop lifting and",
"notice the bench is now covered in stinky fishy",
"oil. i start getting looks from the people",
"lifting next to me. my chest is covered in what",
"looks like extreme cleavage sweat. i grab paper",
"towels and cleaner to clean off the bench but the",
"oil is just smearing and covering the bench for",
"the next unfortunate user. the smell of fish is",
"now taking over the free weight area. i’m getting",
"looks from other gym goers within a 10 ft radius",
"and i overhear one guy say to his buddy as they",
"glance over at me, “what’s that smell? smells",
"like a fish market in july.” all i hear as i’m",
"beelining for the door is the response from his",
"friend, “smells like your sister’s underwear",
"drawer.”",
"grrrrreeeeaaaaaat. please erase my face and my",
"9.5” pythons from your memory.",
"edit: wow, front page of today i fucked up, such",
"an.... honor?"
] |
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fish oil capsules, and went to down 'em on my way like a fish market in july.” all i hear as i’m
|
16 | 11 | 0.7 | 16 |
so i'll start off by saying that i had been drinking all day and was shit-hammered. my friend, who is a big marine dude, gets arrested for drunkenly threatening a girl with a knife. after he was subdued by the cops, i decide to go drink more down the street. i was drinking a beer while i was walking (which is illegal in maryland) and drunkenly stumbled upon a cop giving a girl a citation. he sees me and gives my drunk ass a citation as well. i end up going back to that girl's house and drink more and be merry. after about an hour, i completely forget that i had just gotten a citation and decided to walk back to my house...while drinking another beer. now, between my house and the girl's house is my marine friend's house that i used to live at and frequently go to. as i am walking past that house, i notice a cop had just driven by and was turning around. so, to avoid getting another citation, i speed walk into my friend's house. i think that i am home free, when these two cops come bursting through the door after me. they make me come outside and asked if i lived there (which they knew i didn't because i had already given one of the cops my address an hour ago). they then ask if i have permission to be there, and rather than just saying "yes" like any normal fucktard would do, i drunkenly respond with "well, it's not like i have written fuckin permission and shit". they promptly arrested my ass then and there. there was no one at the house because my marine friend was arrested and the other three were out somewhere (i couldn't call them because i didn't have a phone at the time). i sat in jail for 3 days before my $25,000 bail was posted. i got charged with burglary 4th, disorderly conduct, and another open container citation. the only decent part of that night was that i got to share a cell with my marine friend, the other people in there had a field day with our stupid arrest story.
i fucked up.
|
i got arrested because i walked into my friend's house to avoid getting a second open container, only to get it anyway along a with burglary charge.
|
getting arrested for walking into my friend's house
|
[
"so i'll start off by saying that i had been",
"drinking all day and was shit-hammered. my",
"friend, who is a big marine dude, gets arrested",
"for drunkenly threatening a girl with a knife.",
"after he was subdued by the cops, i decide to go",
"drink more down the street. i was drinking a beer",
"while i was walking (which is illegal in",
"maryland) and drunkenly stumbled upon a cop",
"giving a girl a citation. he sees me and gives my",
"drunk ass a citation as well. i end up going back",
"to that girl's house and drink more and be merry.",
"after about an hour, i completely forget that i",
"had just gotten a citation and decided to walk",
"back to my house...while drinking another beer.",
"now, between my house and the girl's house is my",
"marine friend's house that i used to live at and",
"frequently go to. as i am walking past that",
"house, i notice a cop had just driven by and was",
"turning around. so, to avoid getting another",
"citation, i speed walk into my friend's house. i",
"think that i am home free, when these two cops",
"come bursting through the door after me. they",
"make me come outside and asked if i lived there",
"(which they knew i didn't because i had already",
"given one of the cops my address an hour ago).",
"they then ask if i have permission to be there,",
"and rather than just saying \"yes\" like any normal",
"fucktard would do, i drunkenly respond with",
"\"well, it's not like i have written fuckin",
"permission and shit\". they promptly arrested my",
"ass then and there. there was no one at the house",
"because my marine friend was arrested and the",
"other three were out somewhere (i couldn't call",
"them because i didn't have a phone at the time).",
"i sat in jail for 3 days before my $25,000 bail",
"was posted. i got charged with burglary 4th,",
"disorderly conduct, and another open container",
"citation. the only decent part of that night was",
"that i got to share a cell with my marine friend,",
"the other people in there had a field day with",
"our stupid arrest story.",
"i fucked up."
] |
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] |
turning around. so, to avoid getting another citation, i speed walk into my friend's house. i was posted. i got charged with burglary 4th, disorderly conduct, and another open container
|
61 | 11 | 0.85 | 61 |
i've been sick the past few days and have been on a liquid diet. just an hour ago i had to fart and let it rip. right as soon as i let it out did i feel a damp spot on my underwear.
|
reset the counter
|
trusting a fart.
|
[
"i've been sick the past few days and have been on",
"a liquid diet. just an hour ago i had to fart",
"and let it rip. right as soon as i let it out",
"did i feel a damp spot on my underwear."
] |
[
1,
0,
0,
0
] |
i've been sick the past few days and have been on
|
1,031 | 174 | 0.94 | 1,031 |
i thought my room mate was going to be gone for the rest of the afternoon, so i decided to get a little freaky with myself. then i though, "fuck it, i'll take off my pants and underwear, and get really into it". so i did just that. just as i'm getting to the best part, i hear the door start to unlock. i'm pretty sure my heart actually exploded from the initial terror and my brain shut down, so i had just enough time to pull my laptop over my dick, and just sit there like a moron. he walked in, had the door open for a few seconds, and i just hung my head in shame, staring at the weird porn i had open, and for some reason, refused to close. he awkwardly said "oh" and left. obviously, i rushed to set myself right again, and headed out into the hallway, and gave him the thumbs up that it was all safe to go back inside. i have class in like 10 minutes & he's in the shower and going home this weekend, so hopefully i'll have enough time to plot out his murder so i don't have to deal with the horrifying awkwardness that is to come.
|
masturbating, room mate comes in, put warm laptop on my dick to rectify the situation. unending shame.
|
masturbating when i didn't have the time to masturbate
|
[
"i thought my room mate was going to be gone for",
"the rest of the afternoon, so i decided to get a",
"little freaky with myself. then i though, \"fuck",
"it, i'll take off my pants and underwear, and get",
"really into it\". so i did just that. just as i'm",
"getting to the best part, i hear the door start",
"to unlock. i'm pretty sure my heart actually",
"exploded from the initial terror and my brain",
"shut down, so i had just enough time to pull my",
"laptop over my dick, and just sit there like a",
"moron. he walked in, had the door open for a few",
"seconds, and i just hung my head in shame,",
"staring at the weird porn i had open, and for",
"some reason, refused to close. he awkwardly said",
"\"oh\" and left. obviously, i rushed to set myself",
"right again, and headed out into the hallway, and",
"gave him the thumbs up that it was all safe to go",
"back inside. i have class in like 10 minutes &",
"he's in the shower and going home this weekend,",
"so hopefully i'll have enough time to plot out",
"his murder so i don't have to deal with the",
"horrifying awkwardness that is to come."
] |
[
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] |
i thought my room mate was going to be gone for laptop over my dick, and just sit there like a seconds, and i just hung my head in shame,
|
67 | 9 | 0.75 | 67 |
okay so a little back story...
i worked a ~11 hour shift today and got home a bit after 11pm my time. now after a long and stressful day of dealing with customers, it's nice to have a few beers after my shift.
so by the 6th beer or so, i'm standing outside having a smoke under our pagola (sheltered extension thing added to our house in our backyard) where tonight's dinner was cooked. my dad made a bbq with a side of meatballs which were cooked in a pot on the wok which extends from the barbeque. i had obviously missed dinner because i got home late. but i also hadn't eaten at work because we were so busy that i didn't take a lunch break, so i was pretty hungry on account of not really eating all day.
now as many of you redditors out there have probably learned at one point or another in your lives, drinking on an empty stomach can lead to bad decision making.
so i see that pot that the meatballs were cooked in sitting on the wok with all the oily residue inside it still (because my dad is a slob and doesn't like cleaning up after himself, which leads to the following slobbery that i probably inherited from him):
i stuck my finger in the pot and got a nice blob of grease on it, then stuck it in my mouth. i know, disgusting. but i was drunk and hungry, and wasn't really thinking things through.
so then after thinking how surprisingly appetizing the grease tasted, i notice to nice blobs sitting in the pan. without a moment's hesitation, i pick one up (assuming it was a bit of meat left over from the night's dinner) and stick it in my mouth. i then proceed to do what most people do when they put something in their mouth, and my masticating reflex kicks in.
but it's crunchy. meatballs aren't crunchy, because they're made from minced meat (ground meat for the lovely american readers out there) but the thing in my mouth was crunchy. very crunchy. after over 30 seconds or so of chewing, still crunchy.
in a wave of confusion, (while still chewing of course), i look down into the pot at the other blob. it's wriggling around. moving. squirming.
i cautiously pick it out, only to realize that it's a beetle that landed in the pot and got stuck in the coagulating fat-residue left in the pot.
by the time i had realized what had just happened, i had already swallowed the first beetle, and as i type this, i think i still have bits of it stuck between my teeth.
so if you have made it this far through my small wall of text, i hope you might learn from the mistake i have made tonight. don't get drunk and pick bits out of cooking crockery that have been left outside and put them in your mouth. if the obvious salmonella risk doesn't turn you off, then hopefully the possibility of eating a dirty bug will.
|
got drunk, accidentally ate a crunchy bug out of some cookware that was left outside. it didn't taste like anything, and honestly, while drinking the rest of my current beer after my realization, my brain wanted to throw up, but my stomach obviously didn't mind.**
|
eating something that i shouldn't have. (spoiler alert: it was a bug, and it was kinda intentional...)
|
[
"okay so a little back story...",
"i worked a ~11 hour shift today and got home a",
"bit after 11pm my time. now after a long and",
"stressful day of dealing with customers, it's",
"nice to have a few beers after my shift.",
"so by the 6th beer or so, i'm standing outside",
"having a smoke under our pagola (sheltered",
"extension thing added to our house in our",
"backyard) where tonight's dinner was cooked. my",
"dad made a bbq with a side of meatballs which",
"were cooked in a pot on the wok which extends",
"from the barbeque. i had obviously missed dinner",
"because i got home late. but i also hadn't eaten",
"at work because we were so busy that i didn't",
"take a lunch break, so i was pretty hungry on",
"account of not really eating all day.",
"now as many of you redditors out there have",
"probably learned at one point or another in your",
"lives, drinking on an empty stomach can lead to",
"bad decision making.",
"so i see that pot that the meatballs were cooked",
"in sitting on the wok with all the oily residue",
"inside it still (because my dad is a slob and",
"doesn't like cleaning up after himself, which",
"leads to the following slobbery that i probably",
"inherited from him):",
"i stuck my finger in the pot and got a nice blob",
"of grease on it, then stuck it in my mouth. i",
"know, disgusting. but i was drunk and hungry, and",
"wasn't really thinking things through.",
"so then after thinking how surprisingly",
"appetizing the grease tasted, i notice to nice",
"blobs sitting in the pan. without a moment's",
"hesitation, i pick one up (assuming it was a bit",
"of meat left over from the night's dinner) and",
"stick it in my mouth. i then proceed to do what",
"most people do when they put something in their",
"mouth, and my masticating reflex kicks in.",
"but it's crunchy. meatballs aren't crunchy,",
"because they're made from minced meat (ground",
"meat for the lovely american readers out there)",
"but the thing in my mouth was crunchy. very",
"crunchy. after over 30 seconds or so of chewing,",
"still crunchy.",
"in a wave of confusion, (while still chewing of",
"course), i look down into the pot at the other",
"blob. it's wriggling around. moving. squirming.",
"i cautiously pick it out, only to realize that",
"it's a beetle that landed in the pot and got",
"stuck in the coagulating fat-residue left in the",
"pot.",
"by the time i had realized what had just",
"happened, i had already swallowed the first",
"beetle, and as i type this, i think i still have",
"bits of it stuck between my teeth.",
"so if you have made it this far through my small",
"wall of text, i hope you might learn from the",
"mistake i have made tonight. don't get drunk and",
"pick bits out of cooking crockery that have been",
"left outside and put them in your mouth. if the",
"obvious salmonella risk doesn't turn you off,",
"then hopefully the possibility of eating a dirty",
"bug will."
] |
[
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] |
nice to have a few beers after my shift. doesn't like cleaning up after himself, which but the thing in my mouth was crunchy. very pick bits out of cooking crockery that have been left outside and put them in your mouth. if the bug will.
|
38 | 19 | 0.84 | 38 |
two of my buddies and i went to a mall. one of my friends ran in to grab something while i waited in the car. my other friend took a walk around the parking lot (he was talking on his phone).
as i'm sitting in the car, i see a dude dressed in all black with a backpack going from car to car. it looked like he was trying to get into them. he even looked shady (he was looking around paranoid, it seemed).
so i call 911 and tell them about this dude. i'm on the phone with the police (i got transferred 3 times) trying to tell them where the guy is. i had to stay on the phone until they came. finally, 7 cop cars pull up and 2 of them get out of the car and run up to him. right as one of the cops (on foot) acknowledge that i'm the one who called 911 (as he's walking up to me), my friend who was walking around the parking lot comes up to me and tells me the guy was just putting flyers on the cars.
i felt like a fucking idiot and apologized profusely to the cop who was talking to me and running my name. he said not to be sorry, but still. the sergeant wasn't too happy, though. 7 cop cars (and there were more than 7 cops). it was nuts. as it was happening, i knew it would be a perfect tifu.
|
thought some dude was trying to burglarize cars in a mall parking lot. called 911. the dude was just putting flyers on the cars.
|
calling the cops on an innocent man.
|
[
"two of my buddies and i went to a mall. one of my",
"friends ran in to grab something while i waited",
"in the car. my other friend took a walk around",
"the parking lot (he was talking on his phone).",
"as i'm sitting in the car, i see a dude dressed",
"in all black with a backpack going from car to",
"car. it looked like he was trying to get into",
"them. he even looked shady (he was looking around",
"paranoid, it seemed).",
"so i call 911 and tell them about this dude. i'm",
"on the phone with the police (i got transferred 3",
"times) trying to tell them where the guy is. i",
"had to stay on the phone until they came.",
"finally, 7 cop cars pull up and 2 of them get out",
"of the car and run up to him. right as one of the",
"cops (on foot) acknowledge that i'm the one who",
"called 911 (as he's walking up to me), my friend",
"who was walking around the parking lot comes up",
"to me and tells me the guy was just putting",
"flyers on the cars.",
"i felt like a fucking idiot and apologized",
"profusely to the cop who was talking to me and",
"running my name. he said not to be sorry, but",
"still. the sergeant wasn't too happy, though. 7",
"cop cars (and there were more than 7 cops). it",
"was nuts. as it was happening, i knew it would be",
"a perfect tifu."
] |
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0.023614292460204783,
0.029971165789259954,
0.04426368969519758,
0.276907557806754
] |
the parking lot (he was talking on his phone). to me and tells me the guy was just putting flyers on the cars.
|
3 | 6 | 0.56 | 3 |
today on the 5 hour drive to our families cabin i decide to catch up on some sleep in the car. i put my feet up across the car onto my girlfriends lap. we are in a buick enclave so it's got /some/ stretch space. i take a solid two and a half hour snooze and wake up at the next stop. i woke up to the most unbearable back pain that prevented me from getting out of the car and stretching. i sat up and put a pillow behind my back and say the res of the ride in the most uncomfortable state i've ever been in. nine hours later and my back is still tense and my beautiful girlfriend is massaging my back with a warm rag.
|
i fell asleep like an angle and woke up with pain from hell.
|
trying to take a nap.
|
[
"today on the 5 hour drive to our families cabin i",
"decide to catch up on some sleep in the car. i",
"put my feet up across the car onto my girlfriends",
"lap. we are in a buick enclave so it's got /some/",
"stretch space. i take a solid two and a half hour",
"snooze and wake up at the next stop. i woke up to",
"the most unbearable back pain that prevented me",
"from getting out of the car and stretching. i sat",
"up and put a pillow behind my back and say the",
"res of the ride in the most uncomfortable state",
"i've ever been in. nine hours later and my back",
"is still tense and my beautiful girlfriend is",
"massaging my back with a warm rag."
] |
[
0.0658229363316573,
0.8454252657809131,
0.48494774768035553,
0,
0.7212644999637612,
0.7404472680400396,
0.9203081366853595,
0.9939860967559052,
0.746848572379635,
0,
0,
0.09712549248931669,
1
] |
snooze and wake up at the next stop. i woke up to
|
100 | 18 | 0.96 | 100 |
so i am a middle school teacher that has had a very nasty head cold recently. i was rushing out the door yesterday and thought i would have a quick 1 minute breakfast of a muffin and what i thought was cranberry juice. in my haste i did not read the label of the juice bottle in the fridge and just threw it right down the hatch. with the head cold, i did not notice any major taste difference.
**flash forward one hour**
by the time first period hit, i was feeling a bit queasy as i have never drank prune juice before. i thought perhaps my breakfast of four coffees and a muffin made my stomach feel upset so i did not think much about it. however i thought it was just a little gas and i decided to let out a little steam during locker break....it..was..not..gas. an explosion of ungodliness came out and i had to literally walk out of class...luckily a spare change of pants and a box of wet paper towels in my back seat came to the rescue...but my god...the horror that was in those pants.
|
chugged prune juice and shit my pants in my classroom with students present.
|
accidentally drinking prune juice and shitting my pants at work as a middle school teacher.
|
[
"so i am a middle school teacher that has had a",
"very nasty head cold recently. i was rushing out",
"the door yesterday and thought i would have a",
"quick 1 minute breakfast of a muffin and what i",
"thought was cranberry juice. in my haste i did",
"not read the label of the juice bottle in the",
"fridge and just threw it right down the hatch.",
"with the head cold, i did not notice any major",
"taste difference.",
"**flash forward one hour**",
"by the time first period hit, i was feeling a bit",
"queasy as i have never drank prune juice before.",
"i thought perhaps my breakfast of four coffees",
"and a muffin made my stomach feel upset so i did",
"not think much about it. however i thought it was",
"just a little gas and i decided to let out a",
"little steam during locker",
"break....it..was..not..gas. an explosion of",
"ungodliness came out and i had to literally walk",
"out of class...luckily a spare change of pants",
"and a box of wet paper towels in my back seat",
"came to the rescue...but my god...the horror that",
"was in those pants."
] |
[
0,
0,
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0.8124644997050217,
0.15915233751216587,
0.9818986119832104
] |
queasy as i have never drank prune juice before. and a box of wet paper towels in my back seat
|
18 | 5 | 0.82 | 18 |
my city is having their grand ol' beer week, and craft beer is the direction in which i want to turn a hobby into a career. therefore, i've been going out every night to network, seek out amazing beers, and just enjoy the art of conversation with friends.
last night, boyfriend and i are on our way to a "bourbon, beer, bacon and beards" party at a bar. in our excitement to get there, we decided to "get food afterwards." thanks to a few shots of makers mark and a few quickly downed glasses of lagunitas sonoma county stout on an empty stomach...never made it to food.
blacked out at the bar; came to with my head hanging in a bucket and my boyfriend letting paramedics into our apartment to try and take me to the hospital. woke up hours later confused, as boyfriend tells me, "you signed a waiver to say you were refusing to get taken to the hospital." i got alcohol poisoning for the first time in front of my boyfriend, during "my week" of love for craft beer.
missing a half hour of bar time could potentially keep you from getting your stomach pumped. i also found out that even when blackout drunk, i am aware of how expensive an ambulance ride will be...little wins?
|
- just eat a friggin' slice of pizza before going out drinking.**
|
getting alcohol poisoning during beer week.
|
[
"my city is having their grand ol' beer week, and",
"craft beer is the direction in which i want to",
"turn a hobby into a career. therefore, i've been",
"going out every night to network, seek out",
"amazing beers, and just enjoy the art of",
"conversation with friends.",
"last night, boyfriend and i are on our way to a",
"\"bourbon, beer, bacon and beards\" party at a bar.",
"in our excitement to get there, we decided to",
"\"get food afterwards.\" thanks to a few shots of",
"makers mark and a few quickly downed glasses of",
"lagunitas sonoma county stout on an empty",
"stomach...never made it to food.",
"blacked out at the bar; came to with my head",
"hanging in a bucket and my boyfriend letting",
"paramedics into our apartment to try and take me",
"to the hospital. woke up hours later confused,",
"as boyfriend tells me, \"you signed a waiver to",
"say you were refusing to get taken to the",
"hospital.\" i got alcohol poisoning for the first",
"time in front of my boyfriend, during \"my week\"",
"of love for craft beer.",
"missing a half hour of bar time could potentially",
"keep you from getting your stomach pumped. i",
"also found out that even when blackout drunk, i",
"am aware of how expensive an ambulance ride will",
"be...little wins?"
] |
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] |
going out every night to network, seek out amazing beers, and just enjoy the art of
|
106 | 27 | 0.89 | 106 |
today in pe we were playing soccer, were all pretty good so it's really fun. one player got the ball and was running towards the goal,head first not even looking where he was going, and kicked the ball full force towards the goal.
now the goalie for our team is not the best, she's a little chubby, a little weak, but super nice and cute.
the ball was heading right for her , and she dove. like full on dolphin dove to block the ball, and she did. she was super happy and so was everyone else.the ball hit her legs , and without thinking i yelled " nice thunder-thighs block c!"
she smiled because she knew i hadn't meant to be mean, and went to smack my head in a playful manor. i had so much adrenalin and was a little nervous because i just insulted her, that when she went to smack me i blocked it karate-style.
this wouldn't be a problem (i didn't do it very hard). but when i blocked it, i punched her in the face, giving her a nosebleed. she was pissed, and went to kick me, and still in shock i blocked her kick and kicked her in the knee.
she was really pissed but she forgave me, and is only a little pissed.
|
i called a girl thunder thighs, punched her in the face, and then kicked her knee.
|
being "super smooth".
|
[
"today in pe we were playing soccer, were all",
"pretty good so it's really fun. one player got",
"the ball and was running towards the goal,head",
"first not even looking where he was going, and",
"kicked the ball full force towards the goal.",
"now the goalie for our team is not the best,",
"she's a little chubby, a little weak, but super",
"nice and cute.",
"the ball was heading right for her , and she",
"dove. like full on dolphin dove to block the",
"ball, and she did. she was super happy and so was",
"everyone else.the ball hit her legs , and without",
"thinking i yelled \" nice thunder-thighs block c!\"",
"she smiled because she knew i hadn't meant to be",
"mean, and went to smack my head in a playful",
"manor. i had so much adrenalin and was a little",
"nervous because i just insulted her, that when",
"she went to smack me i blocked it karate-style.",
"this wouldn't be a problem (i didn't do it very",
"hard). but when i blocked it, i punched her in",
"the face, giving her a nosebleed. she was pissed,",
"and went to kick me, and still in shock i blocked",
"her kick and kicked her in the knee.",
"she was really pissed but she forgave me, and is",
"only a little pissed."
] |
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] |
hard). but when i blocked it, i punched her in her kick and kicked her in the knee.
|
11 | 6 | 0.69 | 11 |
i'm a year 11 student in england aside from doing your regular p.e. activities my school and is fortunate enough be paired with a leisure center and swimming pool.
so what happened was: i had swimming in pe and our teacher lets us muck around doing what we want so naturally i just muck about with my mates. so we were swimming around perfectly innocently, nothing bad happened.we got out and went into the showers, again nothing bad happened. however...whilst changing i decide it would be funny to steal my friends tie and make myself a jockstrap from it. this was all in good fun you know a few friends dicking about as friends do. it was then the incident occurred... after hearing a comment about me created a jockstrap another pupil walks round the corner inquiring "did i hear someone say jockstrap?". he then proceeded to unbuckle his trousers and drop 'em to the floor revealing his almighty man thong. now i'm not familiar with jockstraps as it goes but this was mentally scarring. its had a bulge at the front and a thin piece of material going down crack alley like a thong does which left none of his arse cheeks the imagination. possibly even more worrying was the fact he was wearing tights underneath hes uniform.
|
was swimming someone decided to show off their meat muscler to me and my friends.
|
mentioning the word jockstrap in a swimming changing room.
|
[
"i'm a year 11 student in england aside from doing",
"your regular p.e. activities my school and is",
"fortunate enough be paired with a leisure center",
"and swimming pool.",
"so what happened was: i had swimming in pe",
"and our teacher lets us muck around doing what we",
"want so naturally i just muck about with my",
"mates. so we were swimming around perfectly",
"innocently, nothing bad happened.we got out and",
"went into the showers, again nothing bad",
"happened. however...whilst changing i decide it",
"would be funny to steal my friends tie and make",
"myself a jockstrap from it. this was all in good",
"fun you know a few friends dicking about as",
"friends do. it was then the incident occurred...",
"after hearing a comment about me created a",
"jockstrap another pupil walks round the corner",
"inquiring \"did i hear someone say jockstrap?\". he",
"then proceeded to unbuckle his trousers and drop",
"'em to the floor revealing his almighty man",
"thong. now i'm not familiar with jockstraps as it",
"goes but this was mentally scarring. its had a",
"bulge at the front and a thin piece of material",
"going down crack alley like a thong does which",
"left none of his arse cheeks the imagination.",
"possibly even more worrying was the fact he was",
"wearing tights underneath hes uniform."
] |
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] |
and swimming pool. would be funny to steal my friends tie and make
|
575 | 92 | 0.9 | 575 |
to set the background, i dated a girl for a year and a half and we very recently broke up. she at one point bought pink spandex for running, but they were too big for her, and since i wear compression shorts for underwear, i told her i'd take them as a joke. she gave them to me.
today, before work i realized i had no clean underwear and no time to do laundry. i tore apart my room until i came across the pink shorts, and decided "hey, these are as good as any." so i put them on and went to work. i was smoking a cigarette on my break, and went to mcdonald's for a quick bite. the server handed me my food through the drive thru window, but she sort of pushed it at me, and knocked my cigarette out of my hand onto my seat. i picked it up quickly, and brushed off a little piece of ash that had landed on my thigh.
suddenly, i smelled something burning, and an instant later, searing pain shot up the back of my leg right by my ass. i pretty much had to stand up in my car and put out that ash, that i apparently had been sitting on. when i got back to work (i work in retail) a customer told me on his way out that he liked my fashion sense. i was like... what the hell haha we're all in uniform? but i quickly realized that the ash from the cigarette had burned a decent size hole right through the ass of my pants, and my hot pink spandex could be seen clear as day.
later on, apparently a couple people mentioned it, because i got pulled aside by my manager, who told me "we support individuality, but we are in uniform here. you need to make sure you adhere to the dress code." i was given my final warning (i have been late a few times) all because i didn't do my laundry.
|
tifu by taking pink spandex from an old gf, not doing my laundry, wearing the spandex, going to mcdonald's, and smoking cigarettes. hopefully this will be incentive to quit...
|
for a number of reasons... all because i didn't do my laundry.
|
[
"to set the background, i dated a girl for a year",
"and a half and we very recently broke up. she at",
"one point bought pink spandex for running, but",
"they were too big for her, and since i wear",
"compression shorts for underwear, i told her i'd",
"take them as a joke. she gave them to me.",
"today, before work i realized i had no clean",
"underwear and no time to do laundry. i tore apart",
"my room until i came across the pink shorts, and",
"decided \"hey, these are as good as any.\" so i put",
"them on and went to work. i was smoking a",
"cigarette on my break, and went to mcdonald's for",
"a quick bite. the server handed me my food",
"through the drive thru window, but she sort of",
"pushed it at me, and knocked my cigarette out of",
"my hand onto my seat. i picked it up quickly, and",
"brushed off a little piece of ash that had landed",
"on my thigh.",
"suddenly, i smelled something burning, and an",
"instant later, searing pain shot up the back of",
"my leg right by my ass. i pretty much had to",
"stand up in my car and put out that ash, that i",
"apparently had been sitting on. when i got back",
"to work (i work in retail) a customer told me on",
"his way out that he liked my fashion sense. i was",
"like... what the hell haha we're all in uniform?",
"but i quickly realized that the ash from the",
"cigarette had burned a decent size hole right",
"through the ass of my pants, and my hot pink",
"spandex could be seen clear as day.",
"later on, apparently a couple people mentioned",
"it, because i got pulled aside by my manager, who",
"told me \"we support individuality, but we are in",
"uniform here. you need to make sure you adhere to",
"the dress code.\" i was given my final warning (i",
"have been late a few times) all because i didn't",
"do my laundry."
] |
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] |
one point bought pink spandex for running, but cigarette on my break, and went to mcdonald's for but i quickly realized that the ash from the do my laundry.
|
81 | 31 | 0.92 | 81 |
so, this actually happened on 3/30/2013.
i had been working for a few months as an assistant manager at a local convenience store, let's call it casie's, and as such it was my responsibility to fill in for sick/unavailable coworkers. now there was another assistant manager and the two of us alternated weekends.
this particular saturday i was not supposed to work. the other assistant manager, let's call her seana, lived about 15 miles away and was snowed in due to a lack of clearing efforts from the state plows.
so, my saturday started with a phone call at about 2 am. i proceeded to tell seana that it wasn't a big deal i would be happy to work her shift (i was clearly too tired to know what i was saying) and proceeded to get ready for work. 4 am rolls around and i'm now at work, turns out the person that was supposed to work in the kitchen decided to wait until that exact moment to call in. this now becomes my responsibility. i called the manager and she came in to run the front of the shop and i headed to the kitchen.
the morning shift was basically without incident, but there is a break in the shift from 8:30 to 10 am. the manager went home during this time and her replacement came in at 10 so that i could return to the kitchen. now starts the ridiculous.
12:45 pm lunch is over and i'm in cleanup mode so that i can go home at 2. part of the kitchen worker's responsibilities is to clean the bathroom. i always, always, start in the women's room because it is never a mess. while i was coming out of the women's room, mop in hand, a early 50's white man with about 40 extra pounds darted into the men's room as i attempted to enter it to clean. "no big deal" i thought, "i'll just clean a bit in the kitchen and get in there in a moment."
15 minutes later, i kid you not, this man comes out of the bathroom and very nearly runs to the exit. immediately i become concerned, people don't usually run away from the bathrooms. dreading what i may find i slowly open the bathroom door, then proceed to go into the women's room and vomit into the toilet. the men's room was covered in the most vile smelling, runny, pea soup colored, ridiculously large amount of shit that you can ever imagine.
no, more than that, click this;
https://www.dropbox.com/s/aiofpqfpzqrkbhn/2013-03-30%2013.04.31.jpg
so, i had to mop, the floor, the wall, the toilet, and believe it or not the side of the sink, which is out of that picture. it was my hope that the mop would remove all of this raunchy fecal matter from the toilet, but to no avail. i had to manually remove the toilet seat, and clean under, between, and all around the hinges. "with a hose?" you ask? nope. with paper towels. so, there it is...i can't even think about that day without retching, thought you might appreciate the story r/tifu.
|
cleaned up after someone with explosive liquid diarrhea. on what should have been my day off. with only two hours of sleep. for $8.25 an hour.
|
picking up a shift for a coworker.
|
[
"so, this actually happened on 3/30/2013.",
"i had been working for a few months as an",
"assistant manager at a local convenience store,",
"let's call it casie's, and as such it was my",
"responsibility to fill in for sick/unavailable",
"coworkers. now there was another assistant",
"manager and the two of us alternated weekends.",
"this particular saturday i was not supposed to",
"work. the other assistant manager, let's call her",
"seana, lived about 15 miles away and was snowed",
"in due to a lack of clearing efforts from the",
"state plows.",
"so, my saturday started with a phone call at",
"about 2 am. i proceeded to tell seana that it",
"wasn't a big deal i would be happy to work her",
"shift (i was clearly too tired to know what i was",
"saying) and proceeded to get ready for work. 4",
"am rolls around and i'm now at work, turns out",
"the person that was supposed to work in the",
"kitchen decided to wait until that exact moment",
"to call in. this now becomes my responsibility. i",
"called the manager and she came in to run the",
"front of the shop and i headed to the kitchen.",
"the morning shift was basically without incident,",
"but there is a break in the shift from 8:30 to 10",
"am. the manager went home during this time and",
"her replacement came in at 10 so that i could",
"return to the kitchen. now starts the ridiculous.",
"12:45 pm lunch is over and i'm in cleanup mode so",
"that i can go home at 2. part of the kitchen",
"worker's responsibilities is to clean the",
"bathroom. i always, always, start in the women's",
"room because it is never a mess. while i was",
"coming out of the women's room, mop in hand, a",
"early 50's white man with about 40 extra pounds",
"darted into the men's room as i attempted to",
"enter it to clean. \"no big deal\" i thought, \"i'll",
"just clean a bit in the kitchen and get in there",
"in a moment.\"",
"15 minutes later, i kid you not, this man comes",
"out of the bathroom and very nearly runs to the",
"exit. immediately i become concerned, people",
"don't usually run away from the bathrooms.",
"dreading what i may find i slowly open the",
"bathroom door, then proceed to go into the",
"women's room and vomit into the toilet. the men's",
"room was covered in the most vile smelling,",
"runny, pea soup colored, ridiculously large",
"amount of shit that you can ever imagine.",
"no, more than that, click this;",
"https://www.dropbox.com/s/aiofpqfpzqrkbhn/2013-03",
"-30%2013.04.31.jpg",
"so, i had to mop, the floor, the wall, the",
"toilet, and believe it or not the side of the",
"sink, which is out of that picture. it was my",
"hope that the mop would remove all of this",
"raunchy fecal matter from the toilet, but to no",
"avail. i had to manually remove the toilet seat,",
"and clean under, between, and all around the",
"hinges. \"with a hose?\" you ask? nope. with paper",
"towels. so, there it is...i can't even think",
"about that day without retching, thought you",
"might appreciate the story r/tifu."
] |
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i had been working for a few months as an manager and the two of us alternated weekends. so, my saturday started with a phone call at
|
1,115 | 118 | 0.95 | 1,115 |
i worked 36 hours in three days...but that's no excuse. after work on sunday, i went to a bar with one of my managers to blow off some steam from the hectic weekend. i had a few too many and had my girlfriend come pick me up. today, i had my girlfriend drive me back to where i parked, we were going to grab lunch and then drive back home. when i got to the parking lot...my car wasn't there...
i began to freak out.
"fucking assholes towed my car! fuck!", etc.
i went into the businesses surrounding the lot, and the owners all said they hadn't seen it and definitely hadn't called anything in to the towing companies. one of the business owners told me that that parking lot wasn't even contracted with a towing company, so if my car wasn't there it was most likely stolen.
great.
"who the fuck would steal my car?"
to the police station...the police tell me they need my plate number to file the report and, since i am registered out of state, they didn't have the authority to look up my number. i panic and call my mother saying "mother, don't freak out. i'm trying to stay calm, so please stay calm with me. my car got stolen and the police need my plate number. do we have it on file anywhere?"
thus begins my mothers frantic search, calls to insurance, calls to the state police to see if they can look me up. dear god.
i leave the station with a half-filed report filled out and tell the coppers i'll be back with the plate number and sign the finalized report. they have the basics though, red civic, my state plate (just not the number, mind you) and that it is a general piece of shit that no one in their right mind would even bother stealing.
10 minutes pass, i'm almost home and i receive a call.
"mr. so-and-so?"
yes...
"we found your car."
so soon? with no number? it's a miracle! here i am imagining it's driven off a cliff and in flames or at the bottom of a lake with a dead body in it, just like tv or the movies. i'm nervous/excited to see how damaged it is and what kind of hell it had been through in the past 48 hours.
"it's one parking lot over from where you thought you parked it."
damn...that turned the ol' cheeks red. i ashamedly tell my girlfriend to take me to the lot where the police claaaaim my car is. (i'm still in total denial that i could be so stupid.) sure enough it was there. great. i mean, don't get me wrong, i'm happy i found it, but my family is freaking out still that my car is gone, i almost had a stroke, my girlfriend thinks i'm a complete idiot and the police are probably choking on doughnuts they're laughing so hard.
i drive my car home, call my mom, remedy everything and my phone rings.
"is this mr. so-and-so?"
yes...
"you left your id at the station and you're gonna have to come get it....how about when you go pick up your car you swing on by and grab it." *chuckles in the background*
soooooo, i went back to the station, got made complete fun of by about 5 cops and walked out ashamed.
|
**i went to a bar after work, forgot where i parked my car, reported it to the police, gave everyone i know a heart attack because i said my car was stolen and now i look and feel like a total tardo**
|
reporting my car stolen to the police when, in fact, i had just forgotten where i parked it.
|
[
"i worked 36 hours in three days...but that's no",
"excuse. after work on sunday, i went to a bar",
"with one of my managers to blow off some steam",
"from the hectic weekend. i had a few too many",
"and had my girlfriend come pick me up. today, i",
"had my girlfriend drive me back to where i",
"parked, we were going to grab lunch and then",
"drive back home. when i got to the parking",
"lot...my car wasn't there...",
"i began to freak out.",
"\"fucking assholes towed my car! fuck!\", etc.",
"i went into the businesses surrounding the lot,",
"and the owners all said they hadn't seen it and",
"definitely hadn't called anything in to the",
"towing companies. one of the business owners",
"told me that that parking lot wasn't even",
"contracted with a towing company, so if my car",
"wasn't there it was most likely stolen.",
"great.\n\n\"who the fuck would steal my car?\"",
"to the police station...the police tell me they",
"need my plate number to file the report and,",
"since i am registered out of state, they didn't",
"have the authority to look up my number. i panic",
"and call my mother saying \"mother, don't freak",
"out. i'm trying to stay calm, so please stay",
"calm with me. my car got stolen and the police",
"need my plate number. do we have it on file",
"anywhere?\"",
"thus begins my mothers frantic search, calls to",
"insurance, calls to the state police to see if",
"they can look me up. dear god.",
"i leave the station with a half-filed report",
"filled out and tell the coppers i'll be back with",
"the plate number and sign the finalized report.",
"they have the basics though, red civic, my state",
"plate (just not the number, mind you) and that it",
"is a general piece of shit that no one in their",
"right mind would even bother stealing.",
"10 minutes pass, i'm almost home and i receive a",
"call.",
"\"mr. so-and-so?\" \n\nyes...",
"\"we found your car.\"",
"so soon? with no number? it's a miracle! here i",
"am imagining it's driven off a cliff and in",
"flames or at the bottom of a lake with a dead",
"body in it, just like tv or the movies. i'm",
"nervous/excited to see how damaged it is and what",
"kind of hell it had been through in the past 48",
"hours.",
"\"it's one parking lot over from where you thought",
"you parked it.\"",
"damn...that turned the ol' cheeks red. i",
"ashamedly tell my girlfriend to take me to the",
"lot where the police claaaaim my car is. (i'm",
"still in total denial that i could be so stupid.)",
"sure enough it was there. great. i mean, don't",
"get me wrong, i'm happy i found it, but my family",
"is freaking out still that my car is gone, i",
"almost had a stroke, my girlfriend thinks i'm a",
"complete idiot and the police are probably",
"choking on doughnuts they're laughing so hard.",
"i drive my car home, call my mom, remedy",
"everything and my phone rings.",
"\"is this mr. so-and-so?\" \n\nyes...",
"\"you left your id at the station and you're gonna",
"have to come get it....how about when you go pick",
"up your car you swing on by and grab it.\"",
"*chuckles in the background*",
"soooooo, i went back to the station, got made",
"complete fun of by about 5 cops and walked out",
"ashamed."
] |
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excuse. after work on sunday, i went to a bar calm with me. my car got stolen and the police you parked it."
|
131 | 53 | 0.83 | 131 |
oh god i can't believe i'm actually mustering up the courage to tell this story. let me just start out by saying that history has taught us that when one becomes ambitious, and you start taking on more than you can actually handle, life will sure as fuck tell you so.
it started out just a normal, hot summer day in milwaukee, wisconsin, on saturday, june 18th, 2011. i woke up, did my normal routine, and went disc golfing and hung out with friends.
i was headed to my friends house and had stopped at a red light. back then i used to drive an automatic, and i'd occasionally shift from neutral, to 1st then 2nd to conserve a little bit of gas. for some reason, on this day, my mind completely forgot that i had done that and just went as normal through the green light when it turned. by the time i realized, i panicked and switched up to first and ended up messing up the transmission, which i hadn't realized fully until about an hour later. skip ahead an hour, i'm pulling up to this red light in the hood when suddenly the car just dies. a guy at the corner helped me push the car into the gas station parking lot, (which i'm still thankful for this random guy's help), so that i could call my friend and a tow truck. i called my friend (who has trouble hearing, which is why later on he misunderstands the situation and essentially is the catalyst for why shit got fucked), and he arrived to help me assess the situation since he's good with cars.
after i got off the phone with him, i tried every tow truck in the area but couldn't get through to any of them. i sat and waited until my friend arrived, and he basically told me that the car was fucked and that we need to just cut our losses because people were starting to talk and come around to see what was going on. so i tell him "alright, let me get my stuff" when i proceed to take the gun (in a gun case) and put it in his trunk. he says not to because it's his girl's car, so i say "fuck it, i'm kinda tired of having it anyways" but i convince him to wait for a tow truck because it was my girl's car. apparently, an officer had seen me place the gun in the trunk, now remember it was in a gun case, and told me he needed me to open the trunk. i said "no, i know my rights and i refuse to do that." he then proceeded to place his hand on his holster and undo it, and said "i saw you put a gun in the trunk, i need you to open it now." (which i now learned was coercion and completely illegal). i, obviously, complied cause i didn't want to get shot. the officer opens the gun case and see's that it's an unregistered sawed-off shotgun. he immediately has me and my friend sit down until back-up arrives.
his back-up, an over-zealous police officer, grabs me, slams me up against the suv, bruises my shoulder badly (it took 2 weeks to heal), and placed me under arrested without reading me my rights. then he puts me in the back of the cop car and proceeds to search mine and my friend's car (who, again, was only there to help me with my car). once they get to his car, they find my weed and ask me whose it is. (again, no rights had been read). me, being the good friend and honest person i am, said that it was mine. i overheard them talking about keeping the 600 dollars they found on me, which they didn't do and just put into evidence for some reason, and let my friend go. here's where it gets even more stupid.
my friend takes it upon himself to go to my girlfriend's house, tell her that i'm going to be in prison for 8 years cause of the shotgun, and essentially fucked everything up by jumping to conclusions without knowing the facts. so her, in grief, calls my best friend at the time crying and not knowing anyone, and he goes over there and, like a good friend, proceeds to take advantage of her and is still with her to this day. i was in jail for, literally, 2 days guys. 2. fucking. days. if they had bothered to just, i don't know, look online or call downtown, they would have known right away what was going on. so, i get out of jail and try to call her. she doesn't recognize the number and answers like "hello? hello?" and i said "baby? i'm out, can you guys come get me?" and i hear a "click.". bitch hung up on me, sent me a message telling me to never call her again (cause she presumed i snitched cause of the shotgun), and said she'll get a restraining order on me if i try to come get any of my shit. i convince her to give me my fucking clothes, at least, and disc golf discs but that was it.
listen, guys, i was with this girl for 2 years and literally supported her the whole way in it. i got my settlement check, for a car accident i was in, like 5 months into our relationship and i spent 80 percent of it on her. and i kept it going for 2 fucking years, and in 1 fell swoop everything was taken from under me. i ended up on a friend's couch, another friend's floor, finding a place on craigslist, getting fucked over a month in by those fuckers when they took my rent money for the 2nd month, and left with the rest of the shit that i had accumulated in that short time, and skipped town, leaving me homeless. i ended up walking 15 or more miles to muskego and getting a ride from my uncle to madison, so i could stay with my grandfather until my dad got back.
when he got back, i told him about the people kicking me out from craigslist (he left days before that incident happened), and he came and got me. he sent me down to georgia because his girlfriend said that she wouldn't stay with him if he let me stay with him. (which i commend him for because that's aiding and abetting, since i missed court due to being fucked over that last time). now, in a couple of days, i will finally have all of this taken care of because my public defender is a fucking god and saw through all the bullshit that the police put me through. he's actually a paid attorney that took my case pro-bono when he came across it. my charges will be dropped and this whole ordeal is finally going to be over. and he's also considering going after the police officers for their gross misconduct on all-fronts. i was being 100% cooperative the entire time, and didn't resist in the slightest. i got off on the shotgun because i told them i had just been given it the day before by a friend of mine (even though they lied and put in the report that i said i bought it from a friend), and had the receipt for the shells i had purchased that day still in the car.
here's a little karma for that "friend", who also completely severed ties with me after i got out 2 days later: last year he was raided twice and ended up snitching on his friends to save his own ass<---the irony of how i was being shunned as a snitch, when the true snitch was him. <--edit note: i removed the specifics of this because it's going to be taken into civil court.
now, i'm happier than ever and am doing very well in life. after a year of celibacy (cause of being fucked so hard by that cunt made it kinda hard to even think about wanting to trust a girl again), i've dated and been with a couple of girls.. and am living back up north. going back to school, started a decent-paying job and have another one lined up out west for when i want to move out there. the worst part in all of this is being broke for 2 years cause i was stuck in georgia, literally with no way back up north to turn myself in and get this taken care of. and sorry for all the grammatical errors, and lack of indentation, etc... i'm actually super deprived of sleep.
i just want to make sure i drive this point home.. i was in a car accident in 2008 which left me with two torn menisci. basically, a guy was texting and driving and turned into me while i was crossing the street, causing me to fly off the bike and land on my right knee first, then left, then hit my chin and hand. because of this accident, it makes it harder on me to work.. **so this woman stole everything i ever purchased for myself with the money from the accident, as well as benefitted from me spending this money on her in this amount of time...**
edit: thanks to /r/ijarritos for fixing it for me!
edit: yes, i take full responsibility for being in that situation in the first place, possessing it in the public, having a stupid gun, as well as being just plain stupid, for the most part. thanks a lot for all of the positive feed back, though, and let's keep it comin'! :)
edit: court was today. they had to concede on all points that they had no basis for treating me like a suspect to begin with, as i was legally transporting a firearm in the only way you can in the state of wisconsin without being harassed by police, the illegality of the police officer placing me under duress by putting his hand on his weapon and ordering me to open the trunk after i refused, and them questioning me without reading my miranda rights. however, they still gave me a ticket for disorderly conduct to be paid in a year and not giving me my money that they seized.
|
was arrested, friend misunderstood the situation and accidentally lied to my gf, made homeless multiple times because of it, now the charges are finally going to be dropped, 600 dollars returned, i've lost 20 pounds in a month, and i've got a whole new life ahead of me (:**
|
i shifted late and blew my transmission, starting a culmination of events that inevitably left me homeless (temporarily), single and completely stripped of all my pride and belongings.
|
[
"oh god i can't believe i'm actually mustering up",
"the courage to tell this story. let me just start",
"out by saying that history has taught us that",
"when one becomes ambitious, and you start taking",
"on more than you can actually handle, life will",
"sure as fuck tell you so.",
"it started out just a normal, hot summer day in",
"milwaukee, wisconsin, on saturday, june 18th,",
"2011. i woke up, did my normal routine, and went",
"disc golfing and hung out with friends.",
"i was headed to my friends house and had stopped",
"at a red light. back then i used to drive an",
"automatic, and i'd occasionally shift from",
"neutral, to 1st then 2nd to conserve a little bit",
"of gas. for some reason, on this day, my mind",
"completely forgot that i had done that and just",
"went as normal through the green light when it",
"turned. by the time i realized, i panicked and",
"switched up to first and ended up messing up the",
"transmission, which i hadn't realized fully until",
"about an hour later. skip ahead an hour, i'm",
"pulling up to this red light in the hood when",
"suddenly the car just dies. a guy at the corner",
"helped me push the car into the gas station",
"parking lot, (which i'm still thankful for this",
"random guy's help), so that i could call my",
"friend and a tow truck. i called my friend (who",
"has trouble hearing, which is why later on he",
"misunderstands the situation and essentially is",
"the catalyst for why shit got fucked), and he",
"arrived to help me assess the situation since",
"he's good with cars.",
"after i got off the phone with him, i tried every",
"tow truck in the area but couldn't get through to",
"any of them. i sat and waited until my friend",
"arrived, and he basically told me that the car",
"was fucked and that we need to just cut our",
"losses because people were starting to talk and",
"come around to see what was going on. so i tell",
"him \"alright, let me get my stuff\" when i proceed",
"to take the gun (in a gun case) and put it in his",
"trunk. he says not to because it's his girl's",
"car, so i say \"fuck it, i'm kinda tired of having",
"it anyways\" but i convince him to wait for a tow",
"truck because it was my girl's car. apparently,",
"an officer had seen me place the gun in the",
"trunk, now remember it was in a gun case, and",
"told me he needed me to open the trunk. i said",
"\"no, i know my rights and i refuse to do that.\"",
"he then proceeded to place his hand on his",
"holster and undo it, and said \"i saw you put a",
"gun in the trunk, i need you to open it now.\"",
"(which i now learned was coercion and completely",
"illegal). i, obviously, complied cause i didn't",
"want to get shot. the officer opens the gun case",
"and see's that it's an unregistered sawed-off",
"shotgun. he immediately has me and my friend sit",
"down until back-up arrives.",
"his back-up, an over-zealous police officer,",
"grabs me, slams me up against the suv, bruises my",
"shoulder badly (it took 2 weeks to heal), and",
"placed me under arrested without reading me my",
"rights. then he puts me in the back of the cop",
"car and proceeds to search mine and my friend's",
"car (who, again, was only there to help me with",
"my car). once they get to his car, they find my",
"weed and ask me whose it is. (again, no rights",
"had been read). me, being the good friend and",
"honest person i am, said that it was mine. i",
"overheard them talking about keeping the 600",
"dollars they found on me, which they didn't do",
"and just put into evidence for some reason, and",
"let my friend go. here's where it gets even more",
"stupid.",
"my friend takes it upon himself to go to my",
"girlfriend's house, tell her that i'm going to be",
"in prison for 8 years cause of the shotgun, and",
"essentially fucked everything up by jumping to",
"conclusions without knowing the facts. so her, in",
"grief, calls my best friend at the time crying",
"and not knowing anyone, and he goes over there",
"and, like a good friend, proceeds to take",
"advantage of her and is still with her to this",
"day. i was in jail for, literally, 2 days guys.",
"2. fucking. days. if they had bothered to just, i",
"don't know, look online or call downtown, they",
"would have known right away what was going on.",
"so, i get out of jail and try to call her. she",
"doesn't recognize the number and answers like",
"\"hello? hello?\" and i said \"baby? i'm out, can",
"you guys come get me?\" and i hear a \"click.\".",
"bitch hung up on me, sent me a message telling me",
"to never call her again (cause she presumed i",
"snitched cause of the shotgun), and said she'll",
"get a restraining order on me if i try to come",
"get any of my shit. i convince her to give me my",
"fucking clothes, at least, and disc golf discs",
"but that was it.",
"listen, guys, i was with this girl for 2 years",
"and literally supported her the whole way in it.",
"i got my settlement check, for a car accident i",
"was in, like 5 months into our relationship and i",
"spent 80 percent of it on her. and i kept it",
"going for 2 fucking years, and in 1 fell swoop",
"everything was taken from under me. i ended up on",
"a friend's couch, another friend's floor, finding",
"a place on craigslist, getting fucked over a",
"month in by those fuckers when they took my rent",
"money for the 2nd month, and left with the rest",
"of the shit that i had accumulated in that short",
"time, and skipped town, leaving me homeless. i",
"ended up walking 15 or more miles to muskego and",
"getting a ride from my uncle to madison, so i",
"could stay with my grandfather until my dad got",
"back.",
"when he got back, i told him about the people",
"kicking me out from craigslist (he left days",
"before that incident happened), and he came and",
"got me. he sent me down to georgia because his",
"girlfriend said that she wouldn't stay with him",
"if he let me stay with him. (which i commend him",
"for because that's aiding and abetting, since i",
"missed court due to being fucked over that last",
"time). now, in a couple of days, i will finally",
"have all of this taken care of because my public",
"defender is a fucking god and saw through all the",
"bullshit that the police put me through. he's",
"actually a paid attorney that took my case",
"pro-bono when he came across it. my charges will",
"be dropped and this whole ordeal is finally going",
"to be over. and he's also considering going after",
"the police officers for their gross misconduct on",
"all-fronts. i was being 100% cooperative the",
"entire time, and didn't resist in the slightest.",
"i got off on the shotgun because i told them i",
"had just been given it the day before by a friend",
"of mine (even though they lied and put in the",
"report that i said i bought it from a friend),",
"and had the receipt for the shells i had",
"purchased that day still in the car.",
"here's a little karma for that \"friend\", who also",
"completely severed ties with me after i got out 2",
"days later: last year he was raided twice and",
"ended up snitching on his friends to save his own",
"ass<---the irony of how i was being shunned as a",
"snitch, when the true snitch was him. <--edit",
"note: i removed the specifics of this because",
"it's going to be taken into civil court.",
"now, i'm happier than ever and am doing very well",
"in life. after a year of celibacy (cause of being",
"fucked so hard by that cunt made it kinda hard to",
"even think about wanting to trust a girl again),",
"i've dated and been with a couple of girls.. and",
"am living back up north. going back to school,",
"started a decent-paying job and have another one",
"lined up out west for when i want to move out",
"there. the worst part in all of this is being",
"broke for 2 years cause i was stuck in georgia,",
"literally with no way back up north to turn",
"myself in and get this taken care of. and sorry",
"for all the grammatical errors, and lack of",
"indentation, etc... i'm actually super deprived",
"of sleep.",
"i just want to make sure i drive this point",
"home.. i was in a car accident in 2008 which left",
"me with two torn menisci. basically, a guy was",
"texting and driving and turned into me while i",
"was crossing the street, causing me to fly off",
"the bike and land on my right knee first, then",
"left, then hit my chin and hand. because of this",
"accident, it makes it harder on me to work.. **so",
"this woman stole everything i ever purchased for",
"myself with the money from the accident, as well",
"as benefitted from me spending this money on her",
"in this amount of time...**",
"edit: thanks to /r/ijarritos for fixing it for",
"me!",
"edit: yes, i take full responsibility for being",
"in that situation in the first place, possessing",
"it in the public, having a stupid gun, as well as",
"being just plain stupid, for the most part.",
"thanks a lot for all of the positive feed back,",
"though, and let's keep it comin'! :)",
"edit: court was today. they had to concede on all",
"points that they had no basis for treating me",
"like a suspect to begin with, as i was legally",
"transporting a firearm in the only way you can in",
"the state of wisconsin without being harassed by",
"police, the illegality of the police officer",
"placing me under duress by putting his hand on",
"his weapon and ordering me to open the trunk",
"after i refused, and them questioning me without",
"reading my miranda rights. however, they still",
"gave me a ticket for disorderly conduct to be",
"paid in a year and not giving me my money that",
"they seized."
] |
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misunderstands the situation and essentially is trunk, now remember it was in a gun case, and be dropped and this whole ordeal is finally going it's going to be taken into civil court. left, then hit my chin and hand. because of this me!
|
14 | 8 | 0.71 | 14 |
this actually happened about a year ago now. basically the sat was at 7 or 8 in the morning on a saturday but i was going to my friend's prom on the friday before. i think we all know what happened. i slept over at a friends (let's call her isabelle) house with one other girl (codename: amber) and even though i only planned on a few drinks i got pretty drunk. around 4 in the morning i fell asleep for half an hour only to awake and find that isabelle had snuck three crazy drunk guys into the house. they were pretty loud and one of them kept trying to hit on me. basically at 5 a.m., isabelle's dad woke up and smacked the guys around a bit before kicking us all out. i had to drive amber home before returning home and telling my parents that i had just woke up early because i forgot my calculator.
by that time, i was feeling the hangover. there was no time to get coffee or an energy drink before my test so i was also suffering from exhaustion on top of a headache and nausea. i finished each section early and took quick naps before we were allowed continue. however, after one particularly refreshing nap i woke up when the test proctor told us to continue to section 5. i looked at my bubble sheet and my still half-asleep self vaguely realized that i had slept through an entire section.
|
got white girl wasted on prom, kicked out of house, sat interrupts hangover time, my parents are lucky i got into college
|
falling asleep during the sat's
|
[
"this actually happened about a year ago now.",
"basically the sat was at 7 or 8 in the morning on",
"a saturday but i was going to my friend's prom on",
"the friday before. i think we all know what",
"happened. i slept over at a friends (let's call",
"her isabelle) house with one other girl",
"(codename: amber) and even though i only planned",
"on a few drinks i got pretty drunk. around 4 in",
"the morning i fell asleep for half an hour only",
"to awake and find that isabelle had snuck three",
"crazy drunk guys into the house. they were pretty",
"loud and one of them kept trying to hit on me.",
"basically at 5 a.m., isabelle's dad woke up and",
"smacked the guys around a bit before kicking us",
"all out. i had to drive amber home before",
"returning home and telling my parents that i had",
"just woke up early because i forgot my",
"calculator.",
"by that time, i was feeling the hangover. there",
"was no time to get coffee or an energy drink",
"before my test so i was also suffering from",
"exhaustion on top of a headache and nausea. i",
"finished each section early and took quick naps",
"before we were allowed continue. however, after",
"one particularly refreshing nap i woke up when",
"the test proctor told us to continue to section",
"5. i looked at my bubble sheet and my still",
"half-asleep self vaguely realized that i had",
"slept through an entire section."
] |
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her isabelle) house with one other girl on a few drinks i got pretty drunk. around 4 in returning home and telling my parents that i had
|
8 | 4 | 0.65 | 8 |
i was on my way to bring in the trash cans this afternoon when i saw a dust ball like figuring moving on the road. it came towards me and ran away towards my neighbor. my neighbors cat was on the road and ignored the dust ball. as i kept surveying it, the dust like figure moved further up the road and attempted to enter my garden again.
i stopped it the second time with my presence and it went down the street. it traveled under one of my recycling bins and without thinking i rolled over one of it's hands and it made a loud squeal.
lying on my front lawn, was a mole that just screamed at the top of its lungs and not moving. the cat finally comes over and sniffs the mole and leaves! i have left incriminating evidence of my assault towards a defenseless animal on my lawn and do not know what the neighbors will think of it. to quickly hide the evidence, i scooped the mole up with a shovel into a bucket and brought it to my backyard.
the mole was disoriented for about 20 minutes and started acting lively again. it is still injured though and if i were to release it, the mole might just come back to my garden again.
i started to look up what i could feed the mole for the time being, and realized it eats nothing but worms and larvae. i also found out, a mole cannot remain without food for 24 hours or it will die!
|
i harmed a mole in order to protect my garden, it might die now because i cannot supply it with food.
|
harming an innocent little mole, which might die now
|
[
"i was on my way to bring in the trash cans this",
"afternoon when i saw a dust ball like figuring",
"moving on the road. it came towards me and ran",
"away towards my neighbor. my neighbors cat was on",
"the road and ignored the dust ball. as i kept",
"surveying it, the dust like figure moved further",
"up the road and attempted to enter my garden",
"again.",
"i stopped it the second time with my presence and",
"it went down the street. it traveled under one of",
"my recycling bins and without thinking i rolled",
"over one of it's hands and it made a loud squeal.",
"lying on my front lawn, was a mole that just",
"screamed at the top of its lungs and not moving.",
"the cat finally comes over and sniffs the mole",
"and leaves! i have left incriminating evidence of",
"my assault towards a defenseless animal on my",
"lawn and do not know what the neighbors will",
"think of it. to quickly hide the evidence, i",
"scooped the mole up with a shovel into a bucket",
"and brought it to my backyard.",
"the mole was disoriented for about 20 minutes and",
"started acting lively again. it is still injured",
"though and if i were to release it, the mole",
"might just come back to my garden again.",
"i started to look up what i could feed the mole",
"for the time being, and realized it eats nothing",
"but worms and larvae. i also found out, a mole",
"cannot remain without food for 24 hours or it",
"will die!"
] |
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] |
might just come back to my garden again. but worms and larvae. i also found out, a mole cannot remain without food for 24 hours or it
|
23 | 22 | 0.87 | 23 |
ok, so first you may need a bit of education on type 1 diabetes. in my case i have 4 injections of insulin a day, one kind i have which is short acting i have 3 times a day, once for breakfast once for lunch and once for dinner this covers the meal i'm having but doesn't last long enough to cover the gaps in between so before i go to bed every night i have an injection of lantus which is a long lasting insulin that works in the background to level out my blood-glucose levels (i usually have 40 units) .now we have that out of the way i can get to the fuck up, over the past couple of days my blood-glucose had been running high (i forgot to mention that you're meant to wait a few days to let the lantus to cycle through before you adjust further) so anyway i decide to bump my lantus dose up to 42 units and the next day i'm still high and forgetting the rule i say fuck it and push it all the way up to 46 units. and the next day both adjustments kick in at the same time and basically it started at 4 am a continous stream of low blood glucose levels i'm constantly shaking and can't move for about six hours and passing out multiple times and very nearly entered a comatose state. i'm all better now but those were the scariest 6 hours of my life.
sorry for the grammatical mistakes and parts that didn't make much sense.
|
i injected too much long acting insulin and nearly killed myself
|
nearly killing myself with insulin.
|
[
"ok, so first you may need a bit of education on",
"type 1 diabetes. in my case i have 4 injections",
"of insulin a day, one kind i have which is short",
"acting i have 3 times a day, once for breakfast",
"once for lunch and once for dinner this covers",
"the meal i'm having but doesn't last long enough",
"to cover the gaps in between so before i go to",
"bed every night i have an injection of lantus",
"which is a long lasting insulin that works in the",
"background to level out my blood-glucose levels",
"(i usually have 40 units) .now we have that out",
"of the way i can get to the fuck up, over the",
"past couple of days my blood-glucose had been",
"running high (i forgot to mention that you're",
"meant to wait a few days to let the lantus to",
"cycle through before you adjust further) so",
"anyway i decide to bump my lantus dose up to 42",
"units and the next day i'm still high and",
"forgetting the rule i say fuck it and push it all",
"the way up to 46 units. and the next day both",
"adjustments kick in at the same time and",
"basically it started at 4 am a continous stream",
"of low blood glucose levels i'm constantly",
"shaking and can't move for about six hours and",
"passing out multiple times and very nearly",
"entered a comatose state. i'm all better now but",
"those were the scariest 6 hours of my life.",
"sorry for the grammatical mistakes and parts that",
"didn't make much sense."
] |
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acting i have 3 times a day, once for breakfast passing out multiple times and very nearly
|
13 | 7 | 0.61 | 13 |
i was at my class before the bell rang and i was sitting there alone when i saw my friend, who is black. him and i always send each other videos and would always quote them. so i was quoting this one really funny video (i'm too lazy to post the link but if people are curious i'll link it in the comments) when i leaned over and said to him 'go back to africa!' when the i turn around and see the professor standing right behind me.
|
told a black person to go back to africa, prof unreasonably upset.
|
telling a black guy to go back to africa.
|
[
"i was at my class before the bell rang and i was",
"sitting there alone when i saw my friend, who is",
"black. him and i always send each other videos",
"and would always quote them. so i was quoting",
"this one really funny video (i'm too lazy to post",
"the link but if people are curious i'll link it",
"in the comments) when i leaned over and said to",
"him 'go back to africa!' when the i turn around",
"and see the professor standing right behind me."
] |
[
0,
0,
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him 'go back to africa!' when the i turn around
|
29 | 6 | 0.69 | 29 |
fuck. i thought i was feeling a bit sluggish as the pill started settling in. there's no way i can drive with the walls of the world closing in on my field of vision. suddenly it dawned on me. i took a sleep aid right after waking up and heading out to work.
a little background. i recently went out to las vegas to meet up with my long distance pen pal turned crush turned lover. we met up and instantly fell in love for real. only to have her turn crazy and run back to small town midwest after one weekend to return to her manipulative, closet homosexual, abusive x-fiance.
heartache and tears are the only thing i've seen for the last three days since she left. i haven't had the energy to straighten my apt., and return my things back to normal. i take daytime concentration pills and night time relaxation pills to cope with anxiety of being an american and feeling white man's guilt. my pills were scattered about and this morning with a slight headache i popped my morning dose. it took so much heart broken effort just to get out of bed.
it was as i was driving that i realized what i had done. i saw my morning concentration pills sitting in the passengers seat of my car. i remembered clearly taking pills this morning. the bottles are the same. i definitely took 10mg of ambien. undeniable sleep started to settle in.
fuck fuck fuck. i can't drive home. i quickly cancelled work for the day and parked my car safely (thank you black jeebus). anyone who has taken ambien knows its a profound drug and is dangerous if not sleeping. i'm lying here in my bed. still feeling heartbroken but glad that i don't have to deal with a tremendous accident. the only thing here is this reddit post and the quiet reverberation of the warm california sunshine pouring through my salmon colored shades and onto my egyptian cotton sheets. the middle of the mattress is calling my name. thought and memory slipping away.
|
i fucked up after a trip to vegas and took prescription sleep aids in the morning on my way to work.
|
taking an ambien in the middle of the day.
|
[
"fuck. i thought i was feeling a bit sluggish as",
"the pill started settling in. there's no way i",
"can drive with the walls of the world closing in",
"on my field of vision. suddenly it dawned on me.",
"i took a sleep aid right after waking up and",
"heading out to work.",
"a little background. i recently went out to las",
"vegas to meet up with my long distance pen pal",
"turned crush turned lover. we met up and",
"instantly fell in love for real. only to have her",
"turn crazy and run back to small town midwest",
"after one weekend to return to her manipulative,",
"closet homosexual, abusive x-fiance.",
"heartache and tears are the only thing i've seen",
"for the last three days since she left. i haven't",
"had the energy to straighten my apt., and return",
"my things back to normal. i take daytime",
"concentration pills and night time relaxation",
"pills to cope with anxiety of being an american",
"and feeling white man's guilt. my pills were",
"scattered about and this morning with a slight",
"headache i popped my morning dose. it took so",
"much heart broken effort just to get out of bed.",
"it was as i was driving that i realized what i",
"had done. i saw my morning concentration pills",
"sitting in the passengers seat of my car. i",
"remembered clearly taking pills this morning. the",
"bottles are the same. i definitely took 10mg of",
"ambien. undeniable sleep started to settle in.",
"fuck fuck fuck. i can't drive home. i quickly",
"cancelled work for the day and parked my car",
"safely (thank you black jeebus). anyone who has",
"taken ambien knows its a profound drug and is",
"dangerous if not sleeping. i'm lying here in my",
"bed. still feeling heartbroken but glad that i",
"don't have to deal with a tremendous accident.",
"the only thing here is this reddit post and the",
"quiet reverberation of the warm california",
"sunshine pouring through my salmon colored shades",
"and onto my egyptian cotton sheets. the middle of",
"the mattress is calling my name. thought and",
"memory slipping away."
] |
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i took a sleep aid right after waking up and heading out to work. sitting in the passengers seat of my car. i
|
557 | 223 | 0.83 | 557 |
school ends at 2:08; bus leaves at 2:15
it is currently 2:13, my friend and i need to get home and his bus (at the front) was already leaving so we hopped on my bus. in my district you need a pass if you are not on that bus regularly, but of course we didnt have one so i told bus driver that my friend was my german exchange student. on the fucking spot my friend says in a heavy accent "gutentagen me ovil *hesitates* kook" my bus driver believes him than further calls the bus company to question protocol, they have to ask the school of ovil so they call the school and they have no idea who he is, so 10 minutes pass, me and my friend are to deep to go back so we play along. my fucking principle comes out, sees us, than just shakes his head in disbilef, laughs a little bit and pulls us from the bus.
>
|
lied to bus driver, banned from school bus, recently divorced dad has to drive me to school and be late for work the rest of the trimester fml
|
got banned from riding my bus.
|
[
"school ends at 2:08; bus leaves at 2:15",
"it is currently 2:13, my friend and i need to get",
"home and his bus (at the front) was already",
"leaving so we hopped on my bus. in my district",
"you need a pass if you are not on that bus",
"regularly, but of course we didnt have one so i",
"told bus driver that my friend was my german",
"exchange student. on the fucking spot my friend",
"says in a heavy accent \"gutentagen me ovil",
"*hesitates* kook\" my bus driver believes him than",
"further calls the bus company to question",
"protocol, they have to ask the school of ovil so",
"they call the school and they have no idea who he",
"is, so 10 minutes pass, me and my friend are to",
"deep to go back so we play along. my fucking",
"principle comes out, sees us, than just shakes",
"his head in disbilef, laughs a little bit and",
"pulls us from the bus.",
">"
] |
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*hesitates* kook" my bus driver believes him than protocol, they have to ask the school of ovil so they call the school and they have no idea who he pulls us from the bus.
|
120 | 24 | 0.93 | 120 |
i recently began working as a waiter at a local banquet hall this month. i had just finished being trained by the other waiters and was ready to begin, though i am not the most graceful person. the owner is a real hard nose, but it is usually no worries as he stays in his office. today, something possessed him to stand right at the pass and critique everyone as they came and went.
when we serve apps and entrees, we use these really massive trays. now, i am 5'4'', and these giant trays hang over me like an umbrella and are very difficult for me to carry. even though i'm new, i fear if i wait at the pass for help from someone else, i'll get chewed out by the owner. as a result, i, the 5'4'' "macho man" take the tray with good form (shoulder, hand, stability) out to the dining hall. now, there is a door to enter the dining room. i push open the door with my shoulder. the door is also too narrow to go through with the tray on my side, so i spin slightly to back my way through the door.
as the cool of the dining room hits me, i take two steps forward to return to my sideways position and carry the tray to the table. i see it now, the stand where i need to put it. it's so close, so close, so............
smash crash bmdbdjbalknld!!!!
4 filet mignons, 5 chicken francese, a couple of chicken fingers, lots of green beans, some mashed potatoes, and a lemon wedge are now on the floor with me at the bottom. the usual gasp! goes up from* the crowd and the bride puts her hand over her mouth as the other waiters' jaws drop. the new guy has really fucked up. the maitre d' picks me up from the sopping mess, and has a fire in his eyes which scares the shit out of me. i finish service in a blur while avoiding eye contact for the next six hours. i make $40 in tips, though i think they were sympathy tips mostly. anyway, as someone like me who hates being front and center, 70 people pointing and gasping while my bosses fume is as close to armageddon as it can get.
my next shift is on friday night, and even though i would much sooner walk on broken glass then go back there, i shall return.....hopefully with a greater sense of balance this time. any waiter horror stories to cheer me up reddit?
|
tray goes bang and i go red. bosses get pissed. fml.
|
taking a spill at a wedding.
|
[
"i recently began working as a waiter at a local",
"banquet hall this month. i had just finished",
"being trained by the other waiters and was ready",
"to begin, though i am not the most graceful",
"person. the owner is a real hard nose, but it is",
"usually no worries as he stays in his office.",
"today, something possessed him to stand right at",
"the pass and critique everyone as they came and",
"went.",
"when we serve apps and entrees, we use these",
"really massive trays. now, i am 5'4'', and these",
"giant trays hang over me like an umbrella and are",
"very difficult for me to carry. even though i'm",
"new, i fear if i wait at the pass for help from",
"someone else, i'll get chewed out by the owner.",
"as a result, i, the 5'4'' \"macho man\" take the",
"tray with good form (shoulder, hand, stability)",
"out to the dining hall. now, there is a door to",
"enter the dining room. i push open the door with",
"my shoulder. the door is also too narrow to go",
"through with the tray on my side, so i spin",
"slightly to back my way through the door.",
"as the cool of the dining room hits me, i take",
"two steps forward to return to my sideways",
"position and carry the tray to the table. i see",
"it now, the stand where i need to put it. it's",
"so close, so close, so............",
"smash crash bmdbdjbalknld!!!!",
"4 filet mignons, 5 chicken francese, a couple of",
"chicken fingers, lots of green beans, some mashed",
"potatoes, and a lemon wedge are now on the floor",
"with me at the bottom. the usual gasp! goes up",
"from* the crowd and the bride puts her hand over",
"her mouth as the other waiters' jaws drop. the",
"new guy has really fucked up. the maitre d'",
"picks me up from the sopping mess, and has a fire",
"in his eyes which scares the shit out of me. i",
"finish service in a blur while avoiding eye",
"contact for the next six hours. i make $40 in",
"tips, though i think they were sympathy tips",
"mostly. anyway, as someone like me who hates",
"being front and center, 70 people pointing and",
"gasping while my bosses fume is as close to",
"armageddon as it can get.",
"my next shift is on friday night, and even though",
"i would much sooner walk on broken glass then go",
"back there, i shall return.....hopefully with a",
"greater sense of balance this time. any waiter",
"horror stories to cheer me up reddit?"
] |
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position and carry the tray to the table. i see armageddon as it can get.
|
0 | 2 | 0.4 | 0 |
last night i heard that the northern lights would be visible in my area. i thought it would be fun to sit outside and have some wine with my best friend. i'm currently dogsitting for a family friend who has a nice place in the middle of nowhere--perfect for viewing the sky. dropped our shit off inside, let the dogs out, and set up our blankets out in the yard.
after quite a lot of wine (around midnight), we both needed to use the bathroom. went to open the door...and it wouldn't budge. thinking maybe it was just stuck, my drunk ass decided to slam my shoulder into the door. that didn't do it. then i looked in the window and realized the dogs had jumped up, being so excited that we were coming inside, and locked the door. no problem i'll just grab the...
...keys that i left in the guest bedroom inside.
fuck.
tried all the windows. didn't work. called multiple friends in the area to ask for help. best response was "sorry we just got to the bar...but good luck".
gotta solve the problem of our full bladders. oh, what's that? both of us have our periods? tampons are inside.
without a coat in the cold, hungry as hell, and needing some sanitary supplies we made the decision to drive back to her apartment (about 35 minutes away). yes we were both a bit drunk. i would not do this normally. we were very careful and got to her place without incident.
just woke up. gotta find a locksmith. hungover as hell.
|
dogs lock drunk girls out of the house after midnight.**
|
trying to see the aurora borealis.
|
[
"last night i heard that the northern lights would",
"be visible in my area. i thought it would be fun",
"to sit outside and have some wine with my best",
"friend. i'm currently dogsitting for a family",
"friend who has a nice place in the middle of",
"nowhere--perfect for viewing the sky. dropped our",
"shit off inside, let the dogs out, and set up our",
"blankets out in the yard.",
"after quite a lot of wine (around midnight), we",
"both needed to use the bathroom. went to open the",
"door...and it wouldn't budge. thinking maybe it",
"was just stuck, my drunk ass decided to slam my",
"shoulder into the door. that didn't do it. then i",
"looked in the window and realized the dogs had",
"jumped up, being so excited that we were coming",
"inside, and locked the door. no problem i'll just",
"grab the...",
"...keys that i left in the guest bedroom inside.",
"fuck.",
"tried all the windows. didn't work. called",
"multiple friends in the area to ask for help.",
"best response was \"sorry we just got to the",
"bar...but good luck\".",
"gotta solve the problem of our full bladders. oh,",
"what's that? both of us have our periods? tampons",
"are inside.",
"without a coat in the cold, hungry as hell, and",
"needing some sanitary supplies we made the",
"decision to drive back to her apartment (about 35",
"minutes away). yes we were both a bit drunk. i",
"would not do this normally. we were very careful",
"and got to her place without incident.",
"just woke up. gotta find a locksmith. hungover as",
"hell."
] |
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blankets out in the yard. after quite a lot of wine (around midnight), we
|
0 | 3 | 0.33 | 0 |
hey all.
so today i was trying to update my java on my windows 7 computer. i screwed it up without knowing. later that day my little brother tried to play minecraft. something pops up saying "couldn't locate java" blah blah blah. i, instinctively, reboot the computer. just in the beginning process of booting up i get the black screen saying "bootmgr is missing
press ctl + alt + del to continue"
so i did. same thing pops up.
i soon realised that when my dad gets back i'm in deep doo-doo. i think of how i'm going to fix this. it comes to me. i went out and bought his favourite candy (whoopers) and wrote his a 2 page appology. when he gets home he reads the letter. asked what happened, i explained and showed him. he just simplied unplugged an external hard drive and the computer rebooted with no problem.
i'm clearly not a computer whiz.
oh well.
although the java problem isn't fixed.
edit: fixed whoopees to whoopers.
|
i thought i broke the computer. buy my dad candy and write appology. dad does a (stupidly) simple fix. i am dumb.
|
thinks i broke my computer.
|
[
"hey all.",
"so today i was trying to update my java on my",
"windows 7 computer. i screwed it up without",
"knowing. later that day my little brother tried",
"to play minecraft. something pops up saying",
"\"couldn't locate java\" blah blah blah. i,",
"instinctively, reboot the computer. just in the",
"beginning process of booting up i get the black",
"screen saying \"bootmgr is missing",
"press ctl + alt + del to continue\"",
"so i did. same thing pops up.",
"i soon realised that when my dad gets back i'm in",
"deep doo-doo. i think of how i'm going to fix",
"this. it comes to me. i went out and bought his",
"favourite candy (whoopers) and wrote his a 2 page",
"appology. when he gets home he reads the letter.",
"asked what happened, i explained and showed him.",
"he just simplied unplugged an external hard drive",
"and the computer rebooted with no problem.",
"i'm clearly not a computer whiz.\noh well.",
"although the java problem isn't fixed.",
"edit: fixed whoopees to whoopers."
] |
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instinctively, reboot the computer. just in the i soon realised that when my dad gets back i'm in favourite candy (whoopers) and wrote his a 2 page
|
209 | 14 | 0.92 | 209 |
sorry for whoever has to reset the counter for how many days we can go without one of us shitting ourselves. i never thought it would happen to me.
i was feeling in a shitty mood today, i was hungover and smoked a lot of weed last night. i was really hungry and wanted food but i was too tired to cook. a magnificent idea came to me-- let me to go the local 24/7 deli that serves amazing sandwiches! hmm. what to get. waffle fries with honey mustard. and a sandwich-- chicken cutlet, swiss cheese, onion rings, barbecue sauce on a hero that's been toasted with garlic butter. yummmm right?
my stomach didn't think so. i immediately had these terrible pangs in my abdomen. i used the bathroom, but nothing. maybe it was just gas.
oh was i wrong.
see, in a matter of 10 minutes 3 firetrucks made their way to my block. they busted open a hydrant, and all of the other neighbors like us, who didn't have a clear line of sight to what the fuck was going on down the block from their windows, got out of their houses.
i was standing by my doorway when i felt this whirring in my stomach.
was it gas? this was going to smell so fucking bad for how much it hurt.
i thought it was going to be a fart. but no. my no-no spot exploded. and i felt it. immeditely all i could think to do was unzip my leggings before they would be soiled. i had them unbuttoned and unzipped around my hips.
it was like my stomach giving me the biggest fuck you ever. like hey you didn't just take a nice long shower, no definitely not. you didn't get all pretty for your boyfriend, fuck him. you know what you're going to be doing tonight? you're going to be washing yellow diarrhea out of your fucking emporio armani underwear and your diesel jeggings. and why? because fuck you, i'm a princess bitch, i get what i want.
then an obstacle, that could have only spawned from the very depths of hell revealed itself: my staircase.
i was holding in the rest of what ungodly matter was dying to escape my body with all the muscles i had, while at the same time, i was hopping up the stairs. you can see where this can go bad, because i missed a step and tripped.
i can't even explain what happened because at the moment i'm trying to repress what the fuck just happened.
long story short, i'm cleaning shitpiss off of my staircase.
my boyfriend is going to be here in less than a half hour and it smells terrible. i don't even.. fuck.
|
ate food that didn't agree with stomach, tripped and had diarrhea all over staircase.
|
soiling a pair of expensive underwear and leggings.
|
[
"sorry for whoever has to reset the counter for how",
"many days we can go without one of us shitting",
"ourselves. i never thought it would happen to me.",
"i was feeling in a shitty mood today, i was",
"hungover and smoked a lot of weed last night. i",
"was really hungry and wanted food but i was too",
"tired to cook. a magnificent idea came to me--",
"let me to go the local 24/7 deli that serves",
"amazing sandwiches! hmm. what to get. waffle",
"fries with honey mustard. and a sandwich--",
"chicken cutlet, swiss cheese, onion rings,",
"barbecue sauce on a hero that's been toasted with",
"garlic butter. yummmm right?",
"my stomach didn't think so. i immediately had",
"these terrible pangs in my abdomen. i used the",
"bathroom, but nothing. maybe it was just gas.",
"oh was i wrong.",
"see, in a matter of 10 minutes 3 firetrucks made",
"their way to my block. they busted open a",
"hydrant, and all of the other neighbors like us,",
"who didn't have a clear line of sight to what the",
"fuck was going on down the block from their",
"windows, got out of their houses.",
"i was standing by my doorway when i felt this",
"whirring in my stomach.",
"was it gas? this was going to smell so fucking",
"bad for how much it hurt.",
"i thought it was going to be a fart. but no. my",
"no-no spot exploded. and i felt it. immeditely",
"all i could think to do was unzip my leggings",
"before they would be soiled. i had them",
"unbuttoned and unzipped around my hips.",
"it was like my stomach giving me the biggest fuck",
"you ever. like hey you didn't just take a nice",
"long shower, no definitely not. you didn't get",
"all pretty for your boyfriend, fuck him. you know",
"what you're going to be doing tonight? you're",
"going to be washing yellow diarrhea out of your",
"fucking emporio armani underwear and your diesel",
"jeggings. and why? because fuck you, i'm a",
"princess bitch, i get what i want.",
"then an obstacle, that could have only spawned",
"from the very depths of hell revealed itself: my",
"staircase.",
"i was holding in the rest of what ungodly matter",
"was dying to escape my body with all the muscles",
"i had, while at the same time, i was hopping up",
"the stairs. you can see where this can go bad,",
"because i missed a step and tripped.",
"i can't even explain what happened because at the",
"moment i'm trying to repress what the fuck just",
"happened.",
"long story short, i'm cleaning shitpiss off of my",
"staircase.",
"my boyfriend is going to be here in less than a",
"half hour and it smells terrible. i don't even..",
"fuck."
] |
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my stomach didn't think so. i immediately had because i missed a step and tripped.
|
214 | 21 | 0.91 | 214 |
this morning, i walked into my bathroom to see the toilet filled to the brim with brown water... definitely a clog. i began the plunger-ing process, inadvertently spraying water all over the toilet seat and floor. when i was done, i grabbed a wash cloth that was nearby and wiped up the water then threw the towel on top of my laundry pile. i took a shower. got out of the shower. i saw in the mirror that i had some extra face wash on my face, so i *accidentally grabbed the shit rag* from the top of the laundry pile and put it on my face. the minute i smelled that rag, i knew.
|
i had to take two showers this morning because i wiped my face with a rag covered in shit water.
|
drying my face with the toilet rag.
|
[
"this morning, i walked into my bathroom to see the",
"toilet filled to the brim with brown water...",
"definitely a clog. i began the plunger-ing",
"process, inadvertently spraying water all over",
"the toilet seat and floor. when i was done, i",
"grabbed a wash cloth that was nearby and wiped up",
"the water then threw the towel on top of my",
"laundry pile. i took a shower. got out of the",
"shower. i saw in the mirror that i had some extra",
"face wash on my face, so i *accidentally grabbed",
"the shit rag* from the top of the laundry pile",
"and put it on my face. the minute i smelled that",
"rag, i knew."
] |
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] |
this morning, i walked into my bathroom to see the shower. i saw in the mirror that i had some extra
|
32 | 7 | 0.8 | 32 |
so i own and operate a small clothing line out of grand rapids, mi. recently, a whole bunch of networking has landed me a few good connections with some important people. most are b-list celebrities, athletes, and/or singers. i thought it would be a good idea to send these individuals little "gift" packages and samples of my clothing that they could wear out and about for promotional purposes.
so last week i sent out two gift packages. one to a football player in the bay area (sf) and one to singer in la. the football player is a size xxl and the singer is a size small. somehow, when i was labeling the bags i swapped the labels and ended up shipping the giant football player a size small and the tiny pop singer a size xxl. this morning i got emails from both of their agents that i made a terrible mistake and sent them the wrong sizes.
even though this is a mistake that happens often and i can fix, i fucking hate myself for the fact that this makes me and the business look bad. also, i now have to pay the shipping fee for them to ship the shirts back and then a third shipping fee to send them the correct sizes. this is also going to create an unneeded hassle for them as well.
i'm well aware that maybe i could have suggested they ship the packages to eachother (especially since sf and la are only about 4-5 hrs apart). however, at the time of me sending the e-mail i wanted to get the packages out of their hands as fast as possible and show them that i would correct the mistake myself.
|
i swapped packages i was suppose to be sending to two different important recipients. now i have to wait for the packages to come back, re-label them, pay some more shipping fees, and send them back.
|
thinking i could run a business and sent some very important people wrong sizes.
|
[
"so i own and operate a small clothing line out of",
"grand rapids, mi. recently, a whole bunch of",
"networking has landed me a few good connections",
"with some important people. most are b-list",
"celebrities, athletes, and/or singers. i thought",
"it would be a good idea to send these individuals",
"little \"gift\" packages and samples of my clothing",
"that they could wear out and about for",
"promotional purposes.",
"so last week i sent out two gift packages. one to",
"a football player in the bay area (sf) and one to",
"singer in la. the football player is a size xxl",
"and the singer is a size small. somehow, when i",
"was labeling the bags i swapped the labels and",
"ended up shipping the giant football player a",
"size small and the tiny pop singer a size xxl.",
"this morning i got emails from both of their",
"agents that i made a terrible mistake and sent",
"them the wrong sizes.",
"even though this is a mistake that happens often",
"and i can fix, i fucking hate myself for the fact",
"that this makes me and the business look bad.",
"also, i now have to pay the shipping fee for them",
"to ship the shirts back and then a third shipping",
"fee to send them the correct sizes. this is also",
"going to create an unneeded hassle for them as",
"well.",
"i'm well aware that maybe i could have suggested",
"they ship the packages to eachother (especially",
"since sf and la are only about 4-5 hrs apart).",
"however, at the time of me sending the e-mail i",
"wanted to get the packages out of their hands as",
"fast as possible and show them that i would",
"correct the mistake myself."
] |
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was labeling the bags i swapped the labels and also, i now have to pay the shipping fee for them fee to send them the correct sizes. this is also they ship the packages to eachother (especially
|
13 | 9 | 0.67 | 13 |
this happened about 6 years ago. i was 10 when this happened. one night i was sitting on a couch with my sister and her son, my nephew (2 years old). i think we were watching tv together then suddenly my sister tells me, "i'm going to use the bathroom so just watch your nephew while i'm there". so once my sister got off the couch, my nephew got comfortable by laying on his back on the couch. few seconds later, he was trying to get back up so he can sit properly to drink his milk. at the moment i was 'watching' him go through the process of getting up and he fell off. our living room floor was polished wood so right when he hit the floor, he made a huge bang sound then he bursts into tears. my sister ran out of the bathroom and screamed, "what the hell happened?!" i replied "he fell". it all goes down hill from there. she screamed everything she said to me.
-i'm calling mom
-i need to call 911
-what were you doing
i ran to my room, slammed my door, crumched up on the floor and started crying. i started to think about what i've done there, it wasnt really smart of me. eventually the firemen came and talked to my sister what happened, my nephew took a hit but nothing serious happened to him. he was fine later. later i apologized to my sister and my nephew then everything went k. that day was the worst day of my life.
|
i took my sister too literal by 'watching my nephew' and let him do whatever he wanted to and he hit his head on the floor badly.
|
taking my sister too literal.
|
[
"this happened about 6 years ago. i was 10 when",
"this happened. one night i was sitting on a couch",
"with my sister and her son, my nephew (2 years",
"old). i think we were watching tv together then",
"suddenly my sister tells me, \"i'm going to use",
"the bathroom so just watch your nephew while i'm",
"there\". so once my sister got off the couch, my",
"nephew got comfortable by laying on his back on",
"the couch. few seconds later, he was trying to",
"get back up so he can sit properly to drink his",
"milk. at the moment i was 'watching' him go",
"through the process of getting up and he fell",
"off. our living room floor was polished wood so",
"right when he hit the floor, he made a huge bang",
"sound then he bursts into tears. my sister ran",
"out of the bathroom and screamed, \"what the hell",
"happened?!\" i replied \"he fell\". it all goes down",
"hill from there. she screamed everything she said",
"to me.",
"-i'm calling mom\n-i need to call 911",
"-what were you doing",
"i ran to my room, slammed my door, crumched up on",
"the floor and started crying. i started to think",
"about what i've done there, it wasnt really smart",
"of me. eventually the firemen came and talked to",
"my sister what happened, my nephew took a hit but",
"nothing serious happened to him. he was fine",
"later. later i apologized to my sister and my",
"nephew then everything went k. that day was the",
"worst day of my life."
] |
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nephew got comfortable by laying on his back on the floor and started crying. i started to think my sister what happened, my nephew took a hit but
|
18 | 7 | 0.86 | 18 |
so this tifu starts from about 2 weeks ago and goes until today.
well reddit, i dun goofed. i fucked up in one of the worst ways possible.
rewind 2 weeks, i convince 2 friends to go jump with me, and all is good. get there and there is about 5 hot chicks our age there, all around fun. there's a rope hanging from the bridge and a huge block of concrete under that you can swing off of, about 10 feet (~3.3 meters) over the water. first time using this rope and i'm kind nervous. the rope has 3 huge knots about 3 inches apart near the bottom, and 3 smaller ones after.
first swing. jumped, sat on the knot and it worked well, managed to go about 15 feet (~ 4.7 meters) .
second swing. first major fuck up. jump, sit on the top knot and try to launch myself off the rope by letting go as soon as it starts going back up. i let go. *thump* hm. that was odd. it really hurt. *thump thump thump thump thump*. every fucking knot hit me in the dick. i'm talking 3 golf balls then 3 baseball size knots. dickfeelsbad.jpg and i go home.
fast forward a week and i convince another person to go with me. girls are there again and we hang out for about 3 hours.
we are about to go home and i say fuck it and tell what happed on the rope to my friend (didn't go last time) and he tells me to go again.
third swing. going fine till i try to drop. wraps around my dick/thigh and i hang for about 30 seconds before i free myself. the knot at the bottom also hit me in the chest, making the whole left side of me bruised. i go home after jumping for another 30 mins.
fast forward today. this was the **biggest** fuck up since i sprayed cologne in my dick hole (another story, another time).
go and jump for about 2 hours by ourselves (me and the guy from the 3rd swing) having fun, just chilling.
fourth swing. went great, wonder how i fucked this up last time.
now remember how i said there were 3 huge knots at the bottom? well someone tied them together to make a foothole.
fifth and last swing. going good, jump off. friend yells "holy fuck austin, look out!"
huge what the fuck rolls over inside until i look down.
the rope swung back.
rope goes between my ass cheeks cause i panicked and clenched.
i slid down about 6 feet of rope, going through 3 knots on the way down. my ass feels like scorpion hellfire'd it and then i realise.
the last, huge, about the size of 2 softballs goes through my ass.
i hit the water face first. (i was upside down from my dick hitting the knots.) as soon as i hit the water, i felt it.
i shit myself. i flailed and it was so spread out he didn't notice until i told him.
i go check myself. i skinned the right half of my scrotum, the upper half of my thigh, and the worst of all, the bottom half of my dick. not much skin, but enough to hurt.
my asshole still burns, and i'm sitting here writing this while i'm in the toilet afraid to take the 20 chicken nugget and large fry shit that came from the mcdonald's i ate before going.
i will update when i shit.
edit-surprisingly smooth poop except for all the blood. went through about 3 pieces of toilet paper and a wet wipe to get the blood off of my rectum. nsfw pic of said poop. http://www.imgur.com/40xkxjr.jpeg
|
i shit myself, skinned my dick, balls, and thigh, and tore my asshole on a rope swing.
|
while bridge jumping.
|
[
"so this tifu starts from about 2 weeks ago and",
"goes until today.",
"well reddit, i dun goofed. i fucked up in one of",
"the worst ways possible.",
"rewind 2 weeks, i convince 2 friends to go jump",
"with me, and all is good. get there and there is",
"about 5 hot chicks our age there, all around fun.",
"there's a rope hanging from the bridge and a huge",
"block of concrete under that you can swing off",
"of, about 10 feet (~3.3 meters) over the water.",
"first time using this rope and i'm kind nervous.",
"the rope has 3 huge knots about 3 inches apart",
"near the bottom, and 3 smaller ones after.",
"first swing. jumped, sat on the knot and it",
"worked well, managed to go about 15 feet (~ 4.7",
"meters) .",
"second swing. first major fuck up. jump, sit on",
"the top knot and try to launch myself off the",
"rope by letting go as soon as it starts going",
"back up. i let go. *thump* hm. that was odd. it",
"really hurt. *thump thump thump thump thump*.",
"every fucking knot hit me in the dick. i'm",
"talking 3 golf balls then 3 baseball size knots.",
"dickfeelsbad.jpg and i go home.",
"fast forward a week and i convince another person",
"to go with me. girls are there again and we hang",
"out for about 3 hours.",
"we are about to go home and i say fuck it and",
"tell what happed on the rope to my friend (didn't",
"go last time) and he tells me to go again.",
"third swing. going fine till i try to drop. wraps",
"around my dick/thigh and i hang for about 30",
"seconds before i free myself. the knot at the",
"bottom also hit me in the chest, making the whole",
"left side of me bruised. i go home after jumping",
"for another 30 mins.",
"fast forward today. this was the **biggest** fuck",
"up since i sprayed cologne in my dick hole",
"(another story, another time).",
"go and jump for about 2 hours by ourselves (me",
"and the guy from the 3rd swing) having fun, just",
"chilling.",
"fourth swing. went great, wonder how i fucked",
"this up last time.",
"now remember how i said there were 3 huge knots",
"at the bottom? well someone tied them together to",
"make a foothole.",
"fifth and last swing. going good, jump off.",
"friend yells \"holy fuck austin, look out!\"",
"huge what the fuck rolls over inside until i look",
"down.",
"the rope swung back.",
"rope goes between my ass cheeks cause i panicked",
"and clenched.",
"i slid down about 6 feet of rope, going through 3",
"knots on the way down. my ass feels like scorpion",
"hellfire'd it and then i realise.",
"the last, huge, about the size of 2 softballs",
"goes through my ass.",
"i hit the water face first. (i was upside down",
"from my dick hitting the knots.) as soon as i hit",
"the water, i felt it.",
"i shit myself. i flailed and it was so spread out",
"he didn't notice until i told him.",
"i go check myself. i skinned the right half of my",
"scrotum, the upper half of my thigh, and the",
"worst of all, the bottom half of my dick. not",
"much skin, but enough to hurt.",
"my asshole still burns, and i'm sitting here",
"writing this while i'm in the toilet afraid to",
"take the 20 chicken nugget and large fry shit",
"that came from the mcdonald's i ate before going.",
"i will update when i shit.",
"edit-surprisingly smooth poop except for all the",
"blood. went through about 3 pieces of toilet",
"paper and a wet wipe to get the blood off of my",
"rectum. nsfw pic of said poop.",
"http://www.imgur.com/40xkxjr.jpeg"
] |
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i shit myself. i flailed and it was so spread out my asshole still burns, and i'm sitting here
|
1,615 | 238 | 0.94 | 1,615 |
so my boyfriend and i have been going strong on a diet for a few months now. he went out with his buddies last night and left me home alone. it was a perfect chance for a super secret cheat day, but nothing in the house was worthy of the occasion. i decided to go to mcdonald's and order the most ridiculous thing possible: a mcrib sandwich. i've never had one, so this was going to be extra special. i drove home, settled onto the couch, and slowly unwrapped the magnificent holy grail of obesity. two bites in, i get a text message from my boyfriend asking whose car is in his parking spot. (my neighbor's had a party and someone took his assigned space.)
shit. he's home.
i gather the evidence and stash it "someplace safe" and run to the bathroom to brush my teeth. in the heat of the moment, i was more concerned with him kissing me and tasting mcrib than i was with committing the hiding place to memory. so he walks in the door about a minute later and i looked cool as a cucumber. we chat, have sex, and cuddle up for sleep. i'm laying there, trapped under his arm, and fearing my secret will be discovered before i can destroy the evidence. he left for the gym about an hour ago (6:45 am pacific time) and now i'm tearing the house up looking for the sandwich. where the fuck did i put it?? i've tried the kitchen cabinets, under the couch, the back of the freezer, everywhere. no mcrib. i have another 20 minutes until he should be home, at which point i will continue my hunt in stealth mode. wish me luck.
edit: you guys. i still can't find this sandwich. i'm "cleaning the house" while he watches tv. i will keep you posted if/when it is found.
edit2: fuck me, he found it. it was in the entertainment center on top of the playstation. he came into the kitchen and held the box up with a puzzled look, so i came clean and told him the full story. so embarrassing, but at least i didn't shit my pants.
|
lost a 500 calorie sandwich in my house while trying to cheat on my diet.
|
losing a mcrib in my house.
|
[
"so my boyfriend and i have been going strong on a",
"diet for a few months now. he went out with his",
"buddies last night and left me home alone. it",
"was a perfect chance for a super secret cheat",
"day, but nothing in the house was worthy of the",
"occasion. i decided to go to mcdonald's and",
"order the most ridiculous thing possible: a mcrib",
"sandwich. i've never had one, so this was going",
"to be extra special. i drove home, settled onto",
"the couch, and slowly unwrapped the magnificent",
"holy grail of obesity. two bites in, i get a",
"text message from my boyfriend asking whose car",
"is in his parking spot. (my neighbor's had a",
"party and someone took his assigned space.)",
"shit. he's home.",
"i gather the evidence and stash it \"someplace",
"safe\" and run to the bathroom to brush my teeth.",
"in the heat of the moment, i was more concerned",
"with him kissing me and tasting mcrib than i was",
"with committing the hiding place to memory. so",
"he walks in the door about a minute later and i",
"looked cool as a cucumber. we chat, have sex,",
"and cuddle up for sleep. i'm laying there,",
"trapped under his arm, and fearing my secret will",
"be discovered before i can destroy the evidence.",
"he left for the gym about an hour ago (6:45 am",
"pacific time) and now i'm tearing the house up",
"looking for the sandwich. where the fuck did i",
"put it?? i've tried the kitchen cabinets, under",
"the couch, the back of the freezer, everywhere.",
"no mcrib. i have another 20 minutes until he",
"should be home, at which point i will continue my",
"hunt in stealth mode. wish me luck.",
"edit: you guys. i still can't find this sandwich.",
"i'm \"cleaning the house\" while he watches tv. i",
"will keep you posted if/when it is found.",
"edit2: fuck me, he found it. it was in the",
"entertainment center on top of the playstation.",
"he came into the kitchen and held the box up with",
"a puzzled look, so i came clean and told him the",
"full story. so embarrassing, but at least i",
"didn't shit my pants."
] |
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is in his parking spot. (my neighbor's had a i'm "cleaning the house" while he watches tv. i
|
21 | 5 | 0.94 | 21 |
i neglected to check the toilet at work today which i normally do. (yeah, that's where this is heading.) i sat down and enjoyed my number 2. duty is done and as i'm tucking my work shirt into my pants i feel a wet spot on the back of it. i turned around to find someone's cum and piss on the back of the toilet at the base of the flush mechanism which would have been just beneath my asscrack. shirt dipped right on in. i took that shirt off and scrubbed the fuck out of the one spot then cut off my hands. (didn't really good cut off my hands.) so yeah, thought that was fucking gross. burning this tainted uniform when i get off work.
|
accidently dipped my shirt into someone's frothy load of cum and piss on the back of the toilet. ew.
|
sitting down on the toilet.
|
[
"i neglected to check the toilet at work today",
"which i normally do. (yeah, that's where this is",
"heading.) i sat down and enjoyed my number 2.",
"duty is done and as i'm tucking my work shirt",
"into my pants i feel a wet spot on the back of",
"it. i turned around to find someone's cum and",
"piss on the back of the toilet at the base of the",
"flush mechanism which would have been just",
"beneath my asscrack. shirt dipped right on in. i",
"took that shirt off and scrubbed the fuck out of",
"the one spot then cut off my hands. (didn't",
"really good cut off my hands.) so yeah, thought",
"that was fucking gross. burning this tainted",
"uniform when i get off work."
] |
[
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it. i turned around to find someone's cum and piss on the back of the toilet at the base of the
|
8 | 8 | 0.75 | 8 |
so, coming off of a great day, i decided to let my cat in to come sleep with me. for the first hour, everything is fine and great, she's sleeping fine and i'm about to go to sleep, when she suddenly gets up and starts dry retching. i think, its just nothing oh well, but then boom. chunky bits of wet-food vomit all over my floor and bed-sheet. had to quickly get stains off the carpet before they set in (i used windex on the carpet which actually worked). one night i'll never forget
|
i let my cat in to sleep with me and she vomited all over my bed-sheet and floor
|
letting my cat sleep with me
|
[
"so, coming off of a great day, i decided to let my",
"cat in to come sleep with me. for the first hour,",
"everything is fine and great, she's sleeping fine",
"and i'm about to go to sleep, when she suddenly",
"gets up and starts dry retching. i think, its",
"just nothing oh well, but then boom. chunky bits",
"of wet-food vomit all over my floor and",
"bed-sheet. had to quickly get stains off the",
"carpet before they set in (i used windex on the",
"carpet which actually worked). one night i'll",
"never forget"
] |
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0,
0
] |
cat in to come sleep with me. for the first hour, of wet-food vomit all over my floor and
|
467 | 44 | 0.87 | 467 |
alright. so, at around 5:15 in the evening (about 25 minutes ago), i decided to make myself a cup of tea to fight off the mid-evening snooze and get focused for the night ahead. it started off just like any other mid-saturday affair, except all day today i've had a piercing headache.
actually, let me elaborate a bit. a few hours before, during, or after a big rainstorm, i typically get a decimating skull-fuck from satan himself for an uncomfortably long period of time. the rain had just stopped a few minutes before i decided to take that fateful walk over to the kitchen.
i was pretty much just wiping the seed of lucifer off my chin.
naturally, i was in a haze. everything looked really bright, and my eyes dully throbbed whenever i moved them. i wandered over to the stove, and put on the kettle. my hands shambled over to the cabinet where i keep my cups.
there were none. the dishwasher was running.
fml.jpg
now, here's where the fucking up starts. instead of being a non-dumbass and just not making any tea, i decided it would be a better idea to search for an alternative drinking vessel to employ for the job.
i made my way to fridge; a journey that seemed to take hours. opened the door. the only remotely cup-worthy receptacle to be found was an apple sauce jar of dubious age. it was about 3/4 empty, so i washed it out and plopped a tea bag into its murky depths. the water boiled. i poured it into the jar. waited 2-3 minutes. ready to drink.
take a large sip. swallow with gusto.
...
holy mother of all that is shitty, it was bad.
imagine throwing up after drinking too much booze. picture that watery, sticky ooze all over your carpet. your hasn't-been-washed-since-1995 shag carpet. now, imagine scraping all of that up and scooping it into a used, steaming toilet, chunks and all. stir it up a little.
that's what this nightmare fluid tasted like.
part of me couldn't believe how utterly disgusting it was. i stood for a moment in silence, slowly understanding the error i had made. i ran to the bathroom and promptly vomited into the shitter. i stood up and looked myself in the eye in the mirror.
"you pathetic fool."
as it turns out, the apple sauce i thought i had washed away was about a month past the expiration date. also, my hardly lucid self failed to do a proper job of rinsing it out, and upon further inspection, there were still congealed chunks of congealed demon-bile floating around in the tea water.
the stomach ache hasn't gone away. i feel like a possum being eaten alive by a rabid raccoon.
|
i drank tea out of a jar containing spoiled apple sauce and may have given myself some kind of rare tropical disease.
|
making tea in an apple sauce jar
|
[
"alright. so, at around 5:15 in the evening (about",
"25 minutes ago), i decided to make myself a cup",
"of tea to fight off the mid-evening snooze and",
"get focused for the night ahead. it started off",
"just like any other mid-saturday affair, except",
"all day today i've had a piercing headache.",
"actually, let me elaborate a bit. a few hours",
"before, during, or after a big rainstorm, i",
"typically get a decimating skull-fuck from satan",
"himself for an uncomfortably long period of time.",
"the rain had just stopped a few minutes before i",
"decided to take that fateful walk over to the",
"kitchen.",
"i was pretty much just wiping the seed of lucifer",
"off my chin.",
"naturally, i was in a haze. everything looked",
"really bright, and my eyes dully throbbed",
"whenever i moved them. i wandered over to the",
"stove, and put on the kettle. my hands shambled",
"over to the cabinet where i keep my cups.",
"there were none. the dishwasher was running.",
"fml.jpg",
"now, here's where the fucking up starts. instead",
"of being a non-dumbass and just not making any",
"tea, i decided it would be a better idea to",
"search for an alternative drinking vessel to",
"employ for the job.",
"i made my way to fridge; a journey that seemed to",
"take hours. opened the door. the only remotely",
"cup-worthy receptacle to be found was an apple",
"sauce jar of dubious age. it was about 3/4 empty,",
"so i washed it out and plopped a tea bag into its",
"murky depths. the water boiled. i poured it into",
"the jar. waited 2-3 minutes. ready to drink.",
"take a large sip. swallow with gusto.\n\n...",
"holy mother of all that is shitty, it was bad.",
"imagine throwing up after drinking too much",
"booze. picture that watery, sticky ooze all over",
"your carpet. your hasn't-been-washed-since-1995",
"shag carpet. now, imagine scraping all of that up",
"and scooping it into a used, steaming toilet,",
"chunks and all. stir it up a little.",
"that's what this nightmare fluid tasted like.",
"part of me couldn't believe how utterly",
"disgusting it was. i stood for a moment in",
"silence, slowly understanding the error i had",
"made. i ran to the bathroom and promptly vomited",
"into the shitter. i stood up and looked myself in",
"the eye in the mirror.",
"\"you pathetic fool.\"",
"as it turns out, the apple sauce i thought i had",
"washed away was about a month past the expiration",
"date. also, my hardly lucid self failed to do a",
"proper job of rinsing it out, and upon further",
"inspection, there were still congealed chunks of",
"congealed demon-bile floating around in the tea",
"water.",
"the stomach ache hasn't gone away. i feel like a",
"possum being eaten alive by a rabid raccoon."
] |
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] |
25 minutes ago), i decided to make myself a cup of tea to fight off the mid-evening snooze and as it turns out, the apple sauce i thought i had
|
78 | 10 | 0.85 | 78 |
ok, so yesterday my dumb ass went into work with a righteous hangover. you know, one of those 'wake up still kinda drunk and totally nauseous, you could throw up at any minute' type deals.
motherfuck, really? i have to work 8 hours like this?
so, backstory: i work in a chem lab. the thing with labs is that the tests are always running. they constantly need to be monitored and upkept with different intervals that are on a set schedule. calling out? no bueno, dude. these fuckers hate that shit.
and i call out a little too much. as in, i had to meet with my supervisor and boss recently about my attendance. so calling out because of a hangover? yeah, no. suck it up, pussy.
so anyways, thursday night rolls around and the roomie and i are getting hammered while playing gta v. awwwww yeahhhhh. good shit. you see, the roomie is a bartender and he sometimes makes pitchers of pretty dope drinks. that shit thursday night was *loaded* and tasted real good, so i'm getting balls deep in this demon water.
midnight approaches and i somehow made it to my bed to pass out. and now it's 6:45am and my alarm is blaring. snooze-city, population this guy. i'm not outta bed til 7:20. throw on some clothes real quick and i'm out the door. on the way to work, i pick up a breakfast sandwich and i make it on time. but hell, i'm feeling real shitty. so i chug some coffee and get an iced tea at the vending machine as well as a few cups of water from the cooler because this is one dehydrated hombre.
some would say this isn't my first rodeo, and i figure i'll make it to lunch and be good after that like the previous times.
so i'm working for about 3 hours with intermittent periods of extreme nausea, including running outside at one point certain i was gonna barf. but i didn't. and i really wish i had then, because i could have controlled the damage.
about this time, the coffee is hitting me real hard. you fucking know i'm about to get paid to shit my balls off. so i'm in the disproportionately small bathroom with regards to the amount of employed individuals in this building--aka it's always full--and i'm getting down on some quality poop-time.
and then i feel it. the definite sour-taste-in-your-mouth of a symphony of shame type throw up session. here i am on the toilet in a full bathroom and i'm gonna throw up. hard. so i quickly pull up my pants and flush, hoping to run out into the back of the parking lot in time to handle this like a gentleman. but that's a far distance.
in hindsight, i was naive to think i'd make it.
as i'm standing there, suddenly blurphf i barf in my mouth. just a mouthful, but there i'm standing with a mouthful of barf and no idea where to put it because once i spit it out, the rest is coming up. and i'm, ya know, surrounded by my colleagues. after about 10 seconds of deliberation, it suddenly dawns on me that i have a mouthful of sour, disgusting, chunky barf and this shit is gross.
in my haste, i decided to spit it in the trash real quick, wash my hands, and make for outside. i probably got about 5 steps out the back door when it happened. and it happened hard.
projectile vomit all over a high-traffic parking lot. instinctively, i cover my mouth. bad idea. it sprays all over my face and shirt. a veritable bacon egg and cheese, coffee, and iced tea deluge of dismay.
now here's the thing: i never once stopped walking, and quickly at that. mid-stride i start projectile vomiting and somehow am able to avoid it getting on my jeans, and that's a key point. i've got shirts in my car, but no pants. this huge wave of shame is billowing from my mouth and i dodge it like some punk ass playing vomit dodgeball for everyone to see.
so now i'm running to the back of the parking lot when i realize my car keys are in my desk. barf in my hair, on my face, dripping from my nose, all over my shirt and arms, and i'm stuck outside. i frantically start calling everyone inside i know but no one answers.
you horse fuckers.
so now i'm trying to figure out what to do, and i decide to flip my shirt inside out after wiping my face, put it on barf-to-skin, and run into the backdoor to my desk, get my keys, and run back out.
now, i'm not trying to be graphic or anything, but the squish of cold vomit to skin was awful. truly reprehensible. also: the smell.
so i do the deed with no problem, change my shit, and now it's time to clean up my stomach shame and call it a morning. as i'm wiping it up with some rags and tossing it in the dumpster, one of the higher-ups in another department sees me and asks what happened.
"i threw up."
he looks at me, doesn't say a word, and keeps walking. so i go back to work and finish my day with a bruised ego and some laughing coworkers.
|
there is no fear quite like realizing you're about to barf at work and the only available toilet is filled with poop.**
|
going into work hungover
|
[
"ok, so yesterday my dumb ass went into work with a",
"righteous hangover. you know, one of those 'wake",
"up still kinda drunk and totally nauseous, you",
"could throw up at any minute' type deals.",
"motherfuck, really? i have to work 8 hours like",
"this?",
"so, backstory: i work in a chem lab. the thing",
"with labs is that the tests are always running.",
"they constantly need to be monitored and upkept",
"with different intervals that are on a set",
"schedule. calling out? no bueno, dude. these",
"fuckers hate that shit.",
"and i call out a little too much. as in, i had to",
"meet with my supervisor and boss recently about",
"my attendance. so calling out because of a",
"hangover? yeah, no. suck it up, pussy.",
"so anyways, thursday night rolls around and the",
"roomie and i are getting hammered while playing",
"gta v. awwwww yeahhhhh. good shit. you see, the",
"roomie is a bartender and he sometimes makes",
"pitchers of pretty dope drinks. that shit",
"thursday night was *loaded* and tasted real good,",
"so i'm getting balls deep in this demon water.",
"midnight approaches and i somehow made it to my",
"bed to pass out. and now it's 6:45am and my alarm",
"is blaring. snooze-city, population this guy. i'm",
"not outta bed til 7:20. throw on some clothes",
"real quick and i'm out the door. on the way to",
"work, i pick up a breakfast sandwich and i make",
"it on time. but hell, i'm feeling real shitty. so",
"i chug some coffee and get an iced tea at the",
"vending machine as well as a few cups of water",
"from the cooler because this is one dehydrated",
"hombre.",
"some would say this isn't my first rodeo, and i",
"figure i'll make it to lunch and be good after",
"that like the previous times.",
"so i'm working for about 3 hours with",
"intermittent periods of extreme nausea, including",
"running outside at one point certain i was gonna",
"barf. but i didn't. and i really wish i had then,",
"because i could have controlled the damage.",
"about this time, the coffee is hitting me real",
"hard. you fucking know i'm about to get paid to",
"shit my balls off. so i'm in the",
"disproportionately small bathroom with regards to",
"the amount of employed individuals in this",
"building--aka it's always full--and i'm getting",
"down on some quality poop-time.",
"and then i feel it. the definite",
"sour-taste-in-your-mouth of a symphony of shame",
"type throw up session. here i am on the toilet in",
"a full bathroom and i'm gonna throw up. hard. so",
"i quickly pull up my pants and flush, hoping to",
"run out into the back of the parking lot in time",
"to handle this like a gentleman. but that's a far",
"distance.",
"in hindsight, i was naive to think i'd make it.",
"as i'm standing there, suddenly blurphf i barf in",
"my mouth. just a mouthful, but there i'm standing",
"with a mouthful of barf and no idea where to put",
"it because once i spit it out, the rest is coming",
"up. and i'm, ya know, surrounded by my",
"colleagues. after about 10 seconds of",
"deliberation, it suddenly dawns on me that i have",
"a mouthful of sour, disgusting, chunky barf and",
"this shit is gross.",
"in my haste, i decided to spit it in the trash",
"real quick, wash my hands, and make for outside.",
"i probably got about 5 steps out the back door",
"when it happened. and it happened hard.",
"projectile vomit all over a high-traffic parking",
"lot. instinctively, i cover my mouth. bad idea.",
"it sprays all over my face and shirt. a veritable",
"bacon egg and cheese, coffee, and iced tea deluge",
"of dismay.",
"now here's the thing: i never once stopped",
"walking, and quickly at that. mid-stride i start",
"projectile vomiting and somehow am able to avoid",
"it getting on my jeans, and that's a key point.",
"i've got shirts in my car, but no pants. this",
"huge wave of shame is billowing from my mouth and",
"i dodge it like some punk ass playing vomit",
"dodgeball for everyone to see.",
"so now i'm running to the back of the parking lot",
"when i realize my car keys are in my desk. barf",
"in my hair, on my face, dripping from my nose,",
"all over my shirt and arms, and i'm stuck",
"outside. i frantically start calling everyone",
"inside i know but no one answers.",
"you horse fuckers.",
"so now i'm trying to figure out what to do, and i",
"decide to flip my shirt inside out after wiping",
"my face, put it on barf-to-skin, and run into the",
"backdoor to my desk, get my keys, and run back",
"out.",
"now, i'm not trying to be graphic or anything,",
"but the squish of cold vomit to skin was awful.",
"truly reprehensible. also: the smell.",
"so i do the deed with no problem, change my shit,",
"and now it's time to clean up my stomach shame",
"and call it a morning. as i'm wiping it up with",
"some rags and tossing it in the dumpster, one of",
"the higher-ups in another department sees me and",
"asks what happened.",
"\"i threw up.\"",
"he looks at me, doesn't say a word, and keeps",
"walking. so i go back to work and finish my day",
"with a bruised ego and some laughing coworkers."
] |
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motherfuck, really? i have to work 8 hours like about this time, the coffee is hitting me real with a mouthful of barf and no idea where to put
|
728 | 61 | 0.96 | 728 |
let me start off by saying i work in construction. a lot of minor injuries happen on a daily basis so i have built a pain tolerance. today was a bad day though.
i honestly felt like i was invincible since it was friday... i fucked up when i decided to act like i was invincible too. so here i am on a work site in the middle of a cul-de-sac with only a port-a-potty as a bathroom... i need to shit bad but i can't use the nasty "butt hut", it is absolutely nasty. so i hold it... i mean it's friday, i can hold out to shit in the comfort of my own home.
so here i am with about two hours before i wrap up to go home and i am nailing in some wood. i decide that to save time i will hit the nails once really hard with the hammer. turns out i wasn't any more invincible on friday than i would be on monday... i hit my finger dead-on, full force. now remember, i was prairie dogging at this time. the force of the impact caused me to get up screaming from the pain and uncontrollably shit myself. needless to say, i spent an hour, driving uncomfortably home, followed by a clean-up and shower.
|
work construction, hammered my finger... felt like crap... i crapped... bad friday.
|
getting the "finishing blow".
|
[
"let me start off by saying i work in construction.",
"a lot of minor injuries happen on a daily basis",
"so i have built a pain tolerance. today was a bad",
"day though.",
"i honestly felt like i was invincible since it",
"was friday... i fucked up when i decided to act",
"like i was invincible too. so here i am on a work",
"site in the middle of a cul-de-sac with only a",
"port-a-potty as a bathroom... i need to shit bad",
"but i can't use the nasty \"butt hut\", it is",
"absolutely nasty. so i hold it... i mean it's",
"friday, i can hold out to shit in the comfort of",
"my own home.",
"so here i am with about two hours before i wrap",
"up to go home and i am nailing in some wood. i",
"decide that to save time i will hit the nails",
"once really hard with the hammer. turns out i",
"wasn't any more invincible on friday than i would",
"be on monday... i hit my finger dead-on, full",
"force. now remember, i was prairie dogging at",
"this time. the force of the impact caused me to",
"get up screaming from the pain and uncontrollably",
"shit myself. needless to say, i spent an hour,",
"driving uncomfortably home, followed by a",
"clean-up and shower."
] |
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i honestly felt like i was invincible since it be on monday... i hit my finger dead-on, full
|
19 | 18 | 0.68 | 19 |
some of you may remember my story from several months ago wherein i gave a doorstop to an addict and got bitched at twice for it. well this happened about a month ago already but i feel like i should post it anyway.
so after that ridiculous incident my boss was always on edge with me. if i wasn't absolutely perfect he would threaten to fire me. even if i had a hundred things to do during my short shift and did 99 of them he would still fault me for not doing the one thing. for missing restocking one six pack or missing a spot of dust. finally at the beginning of august late on sunday night i got a text saying that i would come in on monday, my day off, without pay to "finish what i started" or i would be fired. immediately i called him and agreed to do it if only to keep my job another week or two until i was able to find something new. i spent the whole night talking (and crying and hyperventilating) over the phone to my friend who said that he couldn't ask that of me and it was illegal. she said i had to tell him no. so i texted him back at 11:00 pm to say that i was sorry, but i couldn't work for free. he texted me back at 1:00 am to say that i was fired. i tried to report him to several offices, and even spoke with a lawyer, but missouri law states that an employer can fire an employee for any reason, or no reason, as long as it's not race or gender.
i really don't know if this is the correct place to post this since it actually has a happy ending for me. i found a job only 2 days after losing my old one with the misogynist slave driver. it has good hours, good pay, amazing benefits and nice people. so, really i guess this was a good fuck up.
|
refused to come in without pay, ended up with an infinitely better job.
|
standing up to my boss
|
[
"some of you may remember my story from several",
"months ago wherein i gave a doorstop to an addict",
"and got bitched at twice for it. well this",
"happened about a month ago already but i feel",
"like i should post it anyway.",
"so after that ridiculous incident my boss was",
"always on edge with me. if i wasn't absolutely",
"perfect he would threaten to fire me. even if i",
"had a hundred things to do during my short shift",
"and did 99 of them he would still fault me for",
"not doing the one thing. for missing restocking",
"one six pack or missing a spot of dust. finally",
"at the beginning of august late on sunday night i",
"got a text saying that i would come in on monday,",
"my day off, without pay to \"finish what i",
"started\" or i would be fired. immediately i",
"called him and agreed to do it if only to keep my",
"job another week or two until i was able to find",
"something new. i spent the whole night talking",
"(and crying and hyperventilating) over the phone",
"to my friend who said that he couldn't ask that",
"of me and it was illegal. she said i had to tell",
"him no. so i texted him back at 11:00 pm to say",
"that i was sorry, but i couldn't work for free.",
"he texted me back at 1:00 am to say that i was",
"fired. i tried to report him to several offices,",
"and even spoke with a lawyer, but missouri law",
"states that an employer can fire an employee for",
"any reason, or no reason, as long as it's not",
"race or gender.",
"i really don't know if this is the correct place",
"to post this since it actually has a happy ending",
"for me. i found a job only 2 days after losing my",
"old one with the misogynist slave driver. it has",
"good hours, good pay, amazing benefits and nice",
"people. so, really i guess this was a good fuck",
"up."
] |
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my day off, without pay to "finish what i up.
|
2,844 | 190 | 0.97 | 2,844 |
this just happened--agh i'm so embarrassed!
ok, so my back has been stiff recently. i work at a desk. after sitting with clients all morning, my back was really hurting, and i needed somewhere to stretch it out. i first tried to do it standing up in the bathroom, but those stretches didn't reach the right muscles, so i knew i needed to lie down to do it. clients are always coming in and out of my office, so i knew i had to find a place that was out-of-view. i decided to do it underneath this big conference table because no matter where you walk, you can't see underneath it, unless you're bending down.
my break was an hour long, so as soon as it started, i got under the table and stretched. it was awesome; after a few minutes, my muscles finally relaxed, which felt amazing. i still had like 45 minutes left, and no one had bothered me, so i thought "what the hell," and decided to close my eyes [edit] and sleep [/edit] for a bit.
when my alarm vibrated in my pocket, signaling the end of the hour, i opened my eyes to see a bunch of legs sitting around the table--there was a conference going on!!
i had a client at the top of the hour, so i knew i had to leave, and in my head i'm like *nononononono how am i going to explain this*, but i couldn't wait for them to finish--it was clear that they were in the middle of it and weren't ending anytime soon.
very slowly, i pushed one of the empty chairs out from the table. everyone above stopped speaking--i could tell they were looking at the chair, seemingly moving of its own volition. i stood up from the floor to a group of aghast-looking businesspeople, and said "there was no way to do this without it being awkward, so... my back was really hurting... sorry to interrupt."
there was dead silence as i walked out of the room.
|
took a nap under a conference table, woke up to a conference going on above me. was forced to interrupt the conference to go back to work.
|
taking a nap under a table at work
|
[
"this just happened--agh i'm so embarrassed!",
"ok, so my back has been stiff recently. i work at",
"a desk. after sitting with clients all morning,",
"my back was really hurting, and i needed",
"somewhere to stretch it out. i first tried to do",
"it standing up in the bathroom, but those",
"stretches didn't reach the right muscles, so i",
"knew i needed to lie down to do it. clients are",
"always coming in and out of my office, so i knew",
"i had to find a place that was out-of-view. i",
"decided to do it underneath this big conference",
"table because no matter where you walk, you can't",
"see underneath it, unless you're bending down.",
"my break was an hour long, so as soon as it",
"started, i got under the table and stretched. it",
"was awesome; after a few minutes, my muscles",
"finally relaxed, which felt amazing. i still had",
"like 45 minutes left, and no one had bothered me,",
"so i thought \"what the hell,\" and decided to",
"close my eyes [edit] and sleep [/edit] for a bit.",
"when my alarm vibrated in my pocket, signaling",
"the end of the hour, i opened my eyes to see a",
"bunch of legs sitting around the table--there was",
"a conference going on!!",
"i had a client at the top of the hour, so i knew",
"i had to leave, and in my head i'm like",
"*nononononono how am i going to explain this*,",
"but i couldn't wait for them to finish--it was",
"clear that they were in the middle of it and",
"weren't ending anytime soon.",
"very slowly, i pushed one of the empty chairs out",
"from the table. everyone above stopped",
"speaking--i could tell they were looking at the",
"chair, seemingly moving of its own volition. i",
"stood up from the floor to a group of",
"aghast-looking businesspeople, and said \"there",
"was no way to do this without it being awkward,",
"so... my back was really hurting... sorry to",
"interrupt.\"",
"there was dead silence as i walked out of the",
"room."
] |
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a conference going on!! stood up from the floor to a group of interrupt."
|
0 | 16 | 0.44 | 0 |
before i begin, this isn't the first time that this has happened. if anyone is interested i will add details.. ^^that ^^sounds ^^really ^^weird.. i'd also like to say that this was a while ago, but i think it is fuckup worthy.
***a bit of background***
my school turned into an academy 4 years ago (shit loads of money has been pumped into it to make it a better school as the school was only having 20% of the students getting 5 a*-c grades. with all the money the school gets better facilities such as buildings, equipment and teachers). we moved into 'temporary buildings' while the old school was being knocked down and the new one was being built. the music department was in the dining hall (they were partitioned by some cheap shitty wall). this meant that the music department still had additional rooms for 'practice rooms'.
anywhore, here it goes:
i was in year 10 (which was last year) and it was a tuesday. my timetable for tuesdays in year 10 was:
* double science
* break
* double music
* math
* lunch
* english
i got through double science and was really psyched for music (as i am a keen musician and it was an excuse to play guitar for 100 minutes straight). i was in the top practice room with two people in my class. let's call them bob and sarah. 'bob' seems to think he can play guitar, and so that was why he was in the room with me. sarah has a guitar, but she is terrible at it. so, i'm stuck in a room with these two knobs. sarah, at the time, had a huge crush on me and was constantly hugging me and whatnot.
i have a weak bladder. in fact, weak doesn't even begin to explain it. i have the urge to piss. i look at my phone and see that the time was 13:00 **shit!** it's now period 5 (i should be in math; the teachers completely forgot that we were in the practice room). math is pretty shit because the teacher is shit, so i decide to stay in the practice room a bit longer and play guitar.
still need to pee. i have now resorted to jumping about like a fairy.
i stop suddenly.
"get the fuck out!"
both bob and sarah leave the room immediately without objection. i run over to the piano as it's the only cover from the window and the door, so at least if i get caught i have a bit of time to 'recover'. i proceed and widdle behind the school piano.
*i have the **best** fucking piss i have ever had in my life*
however, the men reading this will be able to agree that when you're bursting for the toilet and pull out your willy, you sometimes get a bit too excited and a little pre-pee comes out. well, that's what happened to me.. besides it wasn't a little, it was a fair amount. i had basically just pissed all over my school uniform.
*fuck*
i cover up the puddle with a pillow that was, for some reason that i am still unaware of, was in the practice room. i also open the window so that it doesn't smell, i also move the pillow out of the sunlight.
bob and sarah return into the room. sarah returns to hugging me, as she did 24/7 back then. "umm.. dannii.."
.. great
edit: [here's](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1pb5jx/tifu_by_saying_my_music_teachers_husband_has/) the other story for those interested.
|
i really needed to piss so i did it behind the school piano. some of it went onto the floor, but the majority went over my school uniform and i spent the rest of the day smelling like a dirty tramp.
|
doing a wee-wee behind the school piano.
|
[
"before i begin, this isn't the first time that",
"this has happened. if anyone is interested i will",
"add details.. ^^that ^^sounds ^^really ^^weird..",
"i'd also like to say that this was a while ago,",
"but i think it is fuckup worthy.",
"***a bit of background***",
"my school turned into an academy 4 years ago",
"(shit loads of money has been pumped into it to",
"make it a better school as the school was only",
"having 20% of the students getting 5 a*-c grades.",
"with all the money the school gets better",
"facilities such as buildings, equipment and",
"teachers). we moved into 'temporary buildings'",
"while the old school was being knocked down and",
"the new one was being built. the music department",
"was in the dining hall (they were partitioned by",
"some cheap shitty wall). this meant that the",
"music department still had additional rooms for",
"'practice rooms'.",
"anywhore, here it goes:",
"i was in year 10 (which was last year) and it was",
"a tuesday. my timetable for tuesdays in year 10",
"was:",
"* double science\n* break\n* double music\n* math",
"* lunch\n* english",
"i got through double science and was really",
"psyched for music (as i am a keen musician and it",
"was an excuse to play guitar for 100 minutes",
"straight). i was in the top practice room with",
"two people in my class. let's call them bob and",
"sarah. 'bob' seems to think he can play guitar,",
"and so that was why he was in the room with me.",
"sarah has a guitar, but she is terrible at it.",
"so, i'm stuck in a room with these two knobs.",
"sarah, at the time, had a huge crush on me and",
"was constantly hugging me and whatnot.",
"i have a weak bladder. in fact, weak doesn't even",
"begin to explain it. i have the urge to piss. i",
"look at my phone and see that the time was 13:00",
"**shit!** it's now period 5 (i should be in math;",
"the teachers completely forgot that we were in",
"the practice room). math is pretty shit because",
"the teacher is shit, so i decide to stay in the",
"practice room a bit longer and play guitar.",
"still need to pee. i have now resorted to jumping",
"about like a fairy.",
"i stop suddenly.\n\n\"get the fuck out!\"",
"both bob and sarah leave the room immediately",
"without objection. i run over to the piano as",
"it's the only cover from the window and the door,",
"so at least if i get caught i have a bit of time",
"to 'recover'. i proceed and widdle behind the",
"school piano.",
"*i have the **best** fucking piss i have ever had",
"in my life*",
"however, the men reading this will be able to",
"agree that when you're bursting for the toilet",
"and pull out your willy, you sometimes get a bit",
"too excited and a little pre-pee comes out. well,",
"that's what happened to me.. besides it wasn't a",
"little, it was a fair amount. i had basically",
"just pissed all over my school uniform.",
"*fuck*",
"i cover up the puddle with a pillow that was, for",
"some reason that i am still unaware of, was in",
"the practice room. i also open the window so that",
"it doesn't smell, i also move the pillow out of",
"the sunlight.",
"bob and sarah return into the room. sarah returns",
"to hugging me, as she did 24/7 back then. \"umm..",
"dannii..\"",
".. great",
"edit:",
"[here's](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1p",
"b5jx/tifu_by_saying_my_music_teachers_husband_has/",
")",
"the other story for those interested."
] |
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begin to explain it. i have the urge to piss. i about like a fairy. to 'recover'. i proceed and widdle behind the school piano. just pissed all over my school uniform.
|
16 | 4 | 0.65 | 16 |
my friend opened a store recently so my friend (not the store owner) and i decide to stop by and check some things out. we walk in and two guys are at the counter talking with my friend who is the store owner. other people are walking around as well so, we start looking around. as we walk up to the counter i notice a purse sitting on the floor so i immediatley say
"hey i think some lady left her purse here!" and i pointed at it.
no one said anything for the first few seconds. then one of the guys who were standing at the counter said
"that's mine"
i instantly felt terrible and apologize. he picked it up and first said it was his school bag, then his laptop bag. the guy next to him giggled, it didn't help at all. he kept standing there so i just awkwardly stepped away and pretended to look at thing's.
|
mistook a guy's school bag/laptop bag for a ladys purse.
|
trying to be a nice guy.
|
[
"my friend opened a store recently so my friend",
"(not the store owner) and i decide to stop by and",
"check some things out. we walk in and two guys",
"are at the counter talking with my friend who is",
"the store owner. other people are walking around",
"as well so, we start looking around. as we walk",
"up to the counter i notice a purse sitting on the",
"floor so i immediatley say",
"\"hey i think some lady left her purse here!\" and",
"i pointed at it.",
"no one said anything for the first few seconds.",
"then one of the guys who were standing at the",
"counter said",
"\"that's mine\"",
"i instantly felt terrible and apologize. he",
"picked it up and first said it was his school",
"bag, then his laptop bag. the guy next to him",
"giggled, it didn't help at all. he kept standing",
"there so i just awkwardly stepped away and",
"pretended to look at thing's."
] |
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up to the counter i notice a purse sitting on the bag, then his laptop bag. the guy next to him
|
28 | 8 | 0.85 | 28 |
as i was on my way back from my internship, i get off the bus to head to the train station. very normal, blasting my metal as usual, as i go to cross the street to the station i can't see what's coming to the left of me because there is a bus in the way(not a valid excuse), so i just continue walking like normal. i notice everyone is kinda looking at my like wtf and i am halfway across. when i look the left of me and there is an ambulance headed straight for me. of course i run out of the way but now i am that guy. my music was too loud to hear the sirens and now my shame is paying for it.
|
turn your music down
|
walking in front of an ambulance.
|
[
"as i was on my way back from my internship, i get",
"off the bus to head to the train station. very",
"normal, blasting my metal as usual, as i go to",
"cross the street to the station i can't see",
"what's coming to the left of me because there is",
"a bus in the way(not a valid excuse), so i just",
"continue walking like normal. i notice everyone",
"is kinda looking at my like wtf and i am halfway",
"across. when i look the left of me and there is",
"an ambulance headed straight for me. of course i",
"run out of the way but now i am that guy. my",
"music was too loud to hear the sirens and now my",
"shame is paying for it."
] |
[
0,
0,
0,
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music was too loud to hear the sirens and now my
|
0 | 0 | 0.29 | 0 |
technically yesterday but i was too baked to type/stay functional.
so anyways, yesterday i had my last of 6 finals and decided appropriate celebration was necessary, so i called up some of my friends to go smoke some weed. after smoking, of course, came the munchies, and i didn't have much in my room except for some burger buns, but since i am baked and have the munchies, i figure, hey, why not? so i go up to my room and grab the buns and bring it back down to my friend's room where i begin to open it, until one of my friends says, "dude, why are the buns green and fuzzy?" i look down, and to my horror, my buns look more like dead tribbles than burger buns, and realization settles in. i had had those buns since spring break (aka 2 months ago), and had been letting them sit in my room since then. the nauseating idea of almost eating tribble buns nearly made me throw up, but i was able to groggily throw them away before i gave myself a trip to the hospital.
|
got high, tried to eat some burger buns, turned out the mold made them look like tribbles :p
|
almost eating moldy bread...
|
[
"technically yesterday but i was too baked to",
"type/stay functional.",
"so anyways, yesterday i had my last of 6 finals",
"and decided appropriate celebration was",
"necessary, so i called up some of my friends to",
"go smoke some weed. after smoking, of course,",
"came the munchies, and i didn't have much in my",
"room except for some burger buns, but since i am",
"baked and have the munchies, i figure, hey, why",
"not? so i go up to my room and grab the buns and",
"bring it back down to my friend's room where i",
"begin to open it, until one of my friends says,",
"\"dude, why are the buns green and fuzzy?\" i look",
"down, and to my horror, my buns look more like",
"dead tribbles than burger buns, and realization",
"settles in. i had had those buns since spring",
"break (aka 2 months ago), and had been letting",
"them sit in my room since then. the nauseating",
"idea of almost eating tribble buns nearly made me",
"throw up, but i was able to groggily throw them",
"away before i gave myself a trip to the hospital."
] |
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room except for some burger buns, but since i am down, and to my horror, my buns look more like
|
14 | 4 | 0.75 | 14 |
background: i'm an actor and am currently assistant directing/assistant stage managing a production at a community theater that opens on friday the 17th. my responsibilities with this big production include an on-stage part, as well as work with a djembe throughout the production.
on the other hand, i asked a girl to my senior prom a couple weeks ago. today i bought the tickets, which totaled to $220. that's a pretty hefty commitment, yeah?
so now i realize that both of these (basically) mandatory events are happening on the same night at the same time. given that the director of the stage production doesn't even think performing at benaroya hall (in seattle) is a good enough reason to miss one rehearsal...i think i'm pretty solidly fucked here.
i have an idea for a plan to get replacements for the stage production, as i pretty much can't just cancel the prom (due to my commitment to my date, not to mention the financial involvement, which is hefty for my family).
update: i'm going to miss the show for that one night so that i can go to my prom. but my director isn't happy, of course, and i have to find replacements. i hate to upset them at the theater, but i've done a considerable amount of charitable work for their benefit.
|
planned my whole senior prom out and it turned out to be the same night as a performance of a big stage production that i'm a huge part of. and i didn't realize it until tonight.
|
planning my senior prom without realizing it all is scheduled to happen the same night as a mandatory stage performance.
|
[
"background: i'm an actor and am currently",
"assistant directing/assistant stage managing a",
"production at a community theater that opens on",
"friday the 17th. my responsibilities with this",
"big production include an on-stage part, as well",
"as work with a djembe throughout the production.",
"on the other hand, i asked a girl to my senior",
"prom a couple weeks ago. today i bought the",
"tickets, which totaled to $220. that's a pretty",
"hefty commitment, yeah?",
"so now i realize that both of these (basically)",
"mandatory events are happening on the same night",
"at the same time. given that the director of the",
"stage production doesn't even think performing at",
"benaroya hall (in seattle) is a good enough",
"reason to miss one rehearsal...i think i'm pretty",
"solidly fucked here.",
"i have an idea for a plan to get replacements for",
"the stage production, as i pretty much can't just",
"cancel the prom (due to my commitment to my date,",
"not to mention the financial involvement, which",
"is hefty for my family).",
"update: i'm going to miss the show for that one",
"night so that i can go to my prom. but my",
"director isn't happy, of course, and i have to",
"find replacements. i hate to upset them at the",
"theater, but i've done a considerable amount of",
"charitable work for their benefit."
] |
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on the other hand, i asked a girl to my senior mandatory events are happening on the same night the stage production, as i pretty much can't just director isn't happy, of course, and i have to
|
603 | 187 | 0.89 | 603 |
so, second date with a guy i really like. we meet for lunch, which is entirely liquid, and i get quite tipsy. he suggests we go back to his. we sit in the garden, drink some more and smoke a spliff. i haven't smoked weed for around three years, since my uni days and even then i was a pretty light user.
it's around 5 in the afternoon, i'm drunk, stoned and have been sitting in the hot sun for a long time. he suggests we go inside to 'fool around'. yes please.
as soon as i stand up, i feel terrible. sweaty, head spinning, deaf in one ear (which for some reason is always a warning sign that i'm going to vomit.)
thank god i make it to the bathroom. empty stomach, apart from alcohol so not much doing, but then i get a rumbling in my tummy parts. i've never known the like. hot watery shit exploding from my poor bum-holey. it goes on for a long time. i was pretty spaced out so i kept sort of floating into consciousness and realising this big wet poop is still. coming. out.
don't know how long it was before i staggered from the bathroom, white as a sheet, giant pupils, barely coherent and sweating like a virgin on a honeymoon. attractive. i don't think he'll call.
*(side note/inquiry: clearly, not very experienced with weed, but is it normal that it completely removed my gag reflex? i've always had a pretty sensitive gag reflex, but for some reason i was able to deep throat like a high class hooker. possibly an unexpected bonus?)*
|
drunk, stoned, pale, sweaty, vomit, shits from hades, bonus awesome blowjob.**
|
smoking weed for the first time in 3 years.
|
[
"so, second date with a guy i really like. we meet",
"for lunch, which is entirely liquid, and i get",
"quite tipsy. he suggests we go back to his. we",
"sit in the garden, drink some more and smoke a",
"spliff. i haven't smoked weed for around three",
"years, since my uni days and even then i was a",
"pretty light user.",
"it's around 5 in the afternoon, i'm drunk, stoned",
"and have been sitting in the hot sun for a long",
"time. he suggests we go inside to 'fool around'.",
"yes please.",
"as soon as i stand up, i feel terrible. sweaty,",
"head spinning, deaf in one ear (which for some",
"reason is always a warning sign that i'm going to",
"vomit.)",
"thank god i make it to the bathroom. empty",
"stomach, apart from alcohol so not much doing,",
"but then i get a rumbling in my tummy parts. i've",
"never known the like. hot watery shit exploding",
"from my poor bum-holey. it goes on for a long",
"time. i was pretty spaced out so i kept sort of",
"floating into consciousness and realising this",
"big wet poop is still. coming. out.",
"don't know how long it was before i staggered",
"from the bathroom, white as a sheet, giant",
"pupils, barely coherent and sweating like a",
"virgin on a honeymoon. attractive. i don't think",
"he'll call.",
"*(side note/inquiry: clearly, not very",
"experienced with weed, but is it normal that it",
"completely removed my gag reflex? i've always had",
"a pretty sensitive gag reflex, but for some",
"reason i was able to deep throat like a high",
"class hooker. possibly an unexpected bonus?)*"
] |
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it's around 5 in the afternoon, i'm drunk, stoned vomit.)
|
35 | 18 | 0.88 | 35 |
so here's a little backstory, i love this chocolate called bounty which is very sweet and i cannot get enough of, so i manage to eat two bars after a very heavy lunch. bare in mind i don't feel the need to drop a deuce so just spend my night gaming to my hearts content. halway through halo i feel the need to drop a nuclear bomb and so i walk upstairs to drop said bomb only to my horror find my sister has occupied the bathroom. sidenote: my sister is notorious for occupying the bathroom for hours on end and so i pray i can wait it out though i've been holding it in long enough as it is already, in my desperation i bang on the door and tell my sister to "hurry the fuck up!" though this doesn't help at all because she just continues, at this point i'm pacing trying to keep my mind off pressing the 'drop load' button and releasing this monster of a deuce that was itching to be released. this.. didn't help at all and after nearly an hour and a half of waiting i let out the fiery coconutty deuce from my poor little asshole.. as dark stains start forming around my once favourite khaki trousers i stand ashamed and wait for my sister to come out, she does so five minutes later, i jump into the shower and wash all the poop off myself and change all the while putting the whole mess behind me. of course it never crossed my mind that i would need to empty myself after the first disaster so i go back downstairs and continue with gaming. a few hours later... you guessed it, im rushing back upstairs and to my horror once more, my mom's occupied the bathroom! at this point i literally start to think god is playing the sims again, and i bang on the door yet again hoping i'd be successful... i wasn't..
|
went to poop, sister was in bathroom for years, pooped myself, didn't finish poop, felt urge to poop again, this time mother was in bathroom, pooped myself again
|
shitting my pants, twice in one night
|
[
"so here's a little backstory, i love this",
"chocolate called bounty which is very sweet and i",
"cannot get enough of, so i manage to eat two bars",
"after a very heavy lunch. bare in mind i don't",
"feel the need to drop a deuce so just spend my",
"night gaming to my hearts content. halway through",
"halo i feel the need to drop a nuclear bomb and",
"so i walk upstairs to drop said bomb only to my",
"horror find my sister has occupied the bathroom.",
"sidenote: my sister is notorious for occupying",
"the bathroom for hours on end and so i pray i can",
"wait it out though i've been holding it in long",
"enough as it is already, in my desperation i bang",
"on the door and tell my sister to \"hurry the fuck",
"up!\" though this doesn't help at all because she",
"just continues, at this point i'm pacing trying",
"to keep my mind off pressing the 'drop load'",
"button and releasing this monster of a deuce that",
"was itching to be released. this.. didn't help at",
"all and after nearly an hour and a half of",
"waiting i let out the fiery coconutty deuce from",
"my poor little asshole.. as dark stains start",
"forming around my once favourite khaki trousers i",
"stand ashamed and wait for my sister to come out,",
"she does so five minutes later, i jump into the",
"shower and wash all the poop off myself and",
"change all the while putting the whole mess",
"behind me. of course it never crossed my mind",
"that i would need to empty myself after the first",
"disaster so i go back downstairs and continue",
"with gaming. a few hours later... you guessed it,",
"im rushing back upstairs and to my horror once",
"more, my mom's occupied the bathroom! at this",
"point i literally start to think god is playing",
"the sims again, and i bang on the door yet again",
"hoping i'd be successful... i wasn't.."
] |
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the bathroom for hours on end and so i pray i can was itching to be released. this.. didn't help at shower and wash all the poop off myself and
|
59 | 16 | 0.82 | 59 |
i was just dropping off to sleep and was holding my erect dick as i dropped off.
unfortunately i had that moment as you teeter on the edge of sleep where you feel like your falling.
by body, acting as reflex, jerked my legs and arms causing me to yank my cock hard as hell and slapping my bollocks around in the process.
luckily no lasting damage was done and i cracked 5 out the next day just to check.
edit: did it again last night
|
fell asleep, felt like falling pulled dick like it was a bungee rope
|
almost pulling my dick off
|
[
"i was just dropping off to sleep and was holding",
"my erect dick as i dropped off.",
"unfortunately i had that moment as you teeter on",
"the edge of sleep where you feel like your",
"falling.",
"by body, acting as reflex, jerked my legs and",
"arms causing me to yank my cock hard as hell and",
"slapping my bollocks around in the process.",
"luckily no lasting damage was done and i cracked",
"5 out the next day just to check.",
"edit: did it again last night"
] |
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falling. edit: did it again last night
|
110 | 26 | 0.96 | 110 |
let me start off by saying i got my period this week, and usually i'm smart enough to know to close the door.
i came home from class an hour ago and found my dog sleeping in the middle of the kitchen floor, which he never does unless he isn't feeling well. when i went to check on him the first thing i noticed was that he had dried blood smeared around his lips and he reeked of death, leading to me freaking out and running around the house looking for dead animals or burglars. i checked every corner of the house and came up empty, but when i reached the bathroom, a sudden feeling of dread came over me.
in my house there are two doors in the main bathroom: one that opens like a normal door and leads to the sink and mirror, and a second sliding door that leads to the toilet, shower, and wastebasket. normally the sliding door is kept closed to keep my dog going through the trash, but today i was in a rush and forgot to close it.
cue me walking in on what looks like a small murder scene.
my dog went through the garbage and tore up two of my used pads. there was blood and cotton everywhere. on the carpet, sink, cabinets, everything.
for future reference, scrubbing your own period blood off a dog's face and out of carpeting isn't fun.
|
ladies, if you have pets, keep your bathroom door closed.
|
not closing the bathroom door.
|
[
"let me start off by saying i got my period this",
"week, and usually i'm smart enough to know to",
"close the door.",
"i came home from class an hour ago and found my",
"dog sleeping in the middle of the kitchen floor,",
"which he never does unless he isn't feeling well.",
"when i went to check on him the first thing i",
"noticed was that he had dried blood smeared",
"around his lips and he reeked of death, leading",
"to me freaking out and running around the house",
"looking for dead animals or burglars. i checked",
"every corner of the house and came up empty, but",
"when i reached the bathroom, a sudden feeling of",
"dread came over me.",
"in my house there are two doors in the main",
"bathroom: one that opens like a normal door and",
"leads to the sink and mirror, and a second",
"sliding door that leads to the toilet, shower,",
"and wastebasket. normally the sliding door is",
"kept closed to keep my dog going through the",
"trash, but today i was in a rush and forgot to",
"close it.",
"cue me walking in on what looks like a small",
"murder scene.",
"my dog went through the garbage and tore up two",
"of my used pads. there was blood and cotton",
"everywhere. on the carpet, sink, cabinets,",
"everything.",
"for future reference, scrubbing your own period",
"blood off a dog's face and out of carpeting isn't",
"fun."
] |
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bathroom: one that opens like a normal door and kept closed to keep my dog going through the
|
5 | 2 | 0.77 | 5 |
well, saturday night but snifu doesn't have the same ring to it. anyway, i had just finished working some overtime and i found myself at a bar. so i decided to have a scotch or two before heading home. a nice single malt is a real pleasure, i highly recommend acquiring a taste for it. while i was savoring my beverage i started chatting with the cute bartender who we will call m for the purposes of this story. she is really cool. we were taking talking about poetry and her plans to travel europe and other good stuff. so i got her number and left.
after i left the bar and started heading home i made plans to hang out with another girl, d. now d and i had a very short fling a few months back which i ended as tactfully as i could. for several reasons i do not care to elaborate on, d and i are simply not compatible on any level and i am not remotely attracted to her anymore. d kept hitting me up periodically and i have been keeping my distance but staying polite. but on this fateful night i decided enough time had passed maybe i can be friends with her. besides, i had plans to hang out later with a friend of mine at his house not far from d. so i figured i would kill some time with d and then go see my friend when he gets home. it was a bit naive on my part because it wasn't too long before d starts overtly flirting with me and saying things like she just wants casual sex and she is done with relationships etc. i tried to ignore it and change the subject but it just kept getting more awkward. to top it off, my phone picked that exact moment to start pocket dialing. first it called m. from my call log, m stayed on the line just over a minute and a half. then it called my friend max and left him a 6 minute voicemail. when i saw what happened, i sent m a quick text apologizing for pocket dialing her. she still hasn't responded to this day. immediately after texting m i then i texted max to see what he heard in that message. apparently he heard all the awkwardness in its awkward glory. which is fine, i can have a drink with him and laugh about it later. but how do i explain myself to m if she even gives me a chance to?
|
pocket dialed an awesome woman i only just met while getting awkwardly hit on by a second girl i only wanted to be friends with.
|
pocket dialed a couple people
|
[
"well, saturday night but snifu doesn't have the",
"same ring to it. anyway, i had just finished",
"working some overtime and i found myself at a",
"bar. so i decided to have a scotch or two before",
"heading home. a nice single malt is a real",
"pleasure, i highly recommend acquiring a taste",
"for it. while i was savoring my beverage i",
"started chatting with the cute bartender who we",
"will call m for the purposes of this story. she",
"is really cool. we were taking talking about",
"poetry and her plans to travel europe and other",
"good stuff. so i got her number and left.",
"after i left the bar and started heading home i",
"made plans to hang out with another girl, d. now",
"d and i had a very short fling a few months back",
"which i ended as tactfully as i could. for",
"several reasons i do not care to elaborate on, d",
"and i are simply not compatible on any level and",
"i am not remotely attracted to her anymore. d",
"kept hitting me up periodically and i have been",
"keeping my distance but staying polite. but on",
"this fateful night i decided enough time had",
"passed maybe i can be friends with her.",
"besides, i had plans to hang out later with a",
"friend of mine at his house not far from d. so i",
"figured i would kill some time with d and then go",
"see my friend when he gets home. it was a bit",
"naive on my part because it wasn't too long",
"before d starts overtly flirting with me and",
"saying things like she just wants casual sex and",
"she is done with relationships etc. i tried to",
"ignore it and change the subject but it just kept",
"getting more awkward. to top it off, my phone",
"picked that exact moment to start pocket dialing.",
"first it called m. from my call log, m stayed",
"on the line just over a minute and a half. then",
"it called my friend max and left him a 6 minute",
"voicemail. when i saw what happened, i sent m a",
"quick text apologizing for pocket dialing her.",
"she still hasn't responded to this day.",
"immediately after texting m i then i texted max",
"to see what he heard in that message. apparently",
"he heard all the awkwardness in its awkward",
"glory. which is fine, i can have a drink with",
"him and laugh about it later. but how do i",
"explain myself to m if she even gives me a chance",
"to?"
] |
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passed maybe i can be friends with her. on the line just over a minute and a half. then to?
|
12 | 4 | 0.79 | 12 |
about a month ago i moved in with my uncle and he has his mother staying with him to take care of her. my cousin and i ended up getting extremely whiskey drunk last night and i allegedly walked into her room and started pissing on her night stand while she slept less than a foot away. they about kicked me out this morning. luckily i was able to stay.
|
i got too drunk and pissed on my grandmas nightstand with her sleeping right next to me.
|
pissing on my grandmas nightstand.
|
[
"about a month ago i moved in with my uncle and he",
"has his mother staying with him to take care of",
"her. my cousin and i ended up getting extremely",
"whiskey drunk last night and i allegedly walked",
"into her room and started pissing on her night",
"stand while she slept less than a foot away. they",
"about kicked me out this morning. luckily i was",
"able to stay."
] |
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0.7505081758082767,
0.9006707349760106,
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0.02850926333926543,
0.0886512383173711
] |
her. my cousin and i ended up getting extremely able to stay.
|
939 | 138 | 0.93 | 939 |
i went to a tex-mex place down the street last night and ordered the nachos and a couple of drinks. the nachos had a liberal amount of sliced jalapenos among them. i was a little disappointed as they really weren't hot and had a more "pickled" flavor than anything. i asked for some hot sauce to make up for the weak flavor.
i ate most of it and took the rest home. then i ate the leftovers for breakfast. at work i began to feel extremely tired, and then nauseous, and finally went to the bathroom to see if expunging whatever was brewing within my guts might make me feel better.
i proceeded to let loose a molten pile of fetid, discolored fudge and realized very soon thereafter that my butthole felt like it was on fire. wiping only made it burn worse! it was as though some sadist were teasing my ringpiece with a blowtorch. i've felt afterburn from spicy foods before, but nothing like this.
turns out those goddamned jalapenos were like a sleeper cell of spicy terrorists. they sneaked right past my tongue only to burn the everloving fuck out of my mud whistle.
|
ate more jalapenos than my b-hole could handle.
|
eating too many jalapenos.
|
[
"i went to a tex-mex place down the street last",
"night and ordered the nachos and a couple of",
"drinks. the nachos had a liberal amount of sliced",
"jalapenos among them. i was a little disappointed",
"as they really weren't hot and had a more",
"\"pickled\" flavor than anything. i asked for some",
"hot sauce to make up for the weak flavor.",
"i ate most of it and took the rest home. then i",
"ate the leftovers for breakfast. at work i began",
"to feel extremely tired, and then nauseous, and",
"finally went to the bathroom to see if expunging",
"whatever was brewing within my guts might make me",
"feel better.",
"i proceeded to let loose a molten pile of fetid,",
"discolored fudge and realized very soon",
"thereafter that my butthole felt like it was on",
"fire. wiping only made it burn worse! it was as",
"though some sadist were teasing my ringpiece with",
"a blowtorch. i've felt afterburn from spicy foods",
"before, but nothing like this.",
"turns out those goddamned jalapenos were like a",
"sleeper cell of spicy terrorists. they sneaked",
"right past my tongue only to burn the everloving",
"fuck out of my mud whistle."
] |
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] |
fuck out of my mud whistle.
|
0 | 25 | 0.5 | 0 |
this happened yesterday, but i just need some advice or help or something. i don't even know if this the right place to post this, but fuck it. so, today hasn't been the best day for me. i haven't told my family or anything yet, so reddit seems like the best place to get advice at the moment. let me just explain the back story real quick.
i'm a 16 year old, shy lad, who just recently found out i had an amazingly warm, funny, and spontaneous personality, which i've almost been suppressing for most of my life. (i was bullied quite badly in school, and it really effected my self worth and self esteem)
recently, i said enough was enough, and wanted to do more things to get myself out there, and try and leave my shyness behind me, so i did backstage work at a musical in my school. there, i met an amazing girl. (well, we actually didn't speak much then) the day after the last show, we started chatting on facebook, mainly about the play and school, but after it got more in depth.
we started realising we were very similar, both in interests and personality wise, and we really got along well. we have chatted pretty much every day since then, just about school and life in general. i really liked her, so after a bit, i asked her out, however i didn't know she was with someone, and she kindly declined, but we still remained friends.
since then, i was kind of battling with my feelings about her. sometimes it would get too much, and i'd have to let it out, but she'd be really understanding and cool about it. she said she really admired my honesty and loved my personality.
after a while, i said that we should maybe skype. (just as friends, because i think it's hard to keep in touch with a person through chat alone, and also i couldn't go and hang out with her, because the first and only time we did, it was very awkward) she accepted, and a few days ago, we started skyping at night. it was all good fun, we were chatting, listening to music and just having a good time. we did it until 2am, then we did it again the next night.
yesterday, i got a message from her saying we probably shouldn't chat for another while, because she's starting to like me, (as in have feelings for me) and she doesn't really know what to do. i'll be honest, there were subtle signs looking back, but i never really picked up on it at the time.
now i'm stuck in this horrible position. one of my best friends admits she likes me, and probably won't ever speak to me again. i don't know what to do, or what to say to make it any better. i can't eat, i couldn't sleep yesterday, i feel sick and dizzy, and i really just need some help. i'm really angry at myself, and i'm completely distraught. i blame myself fully on this for putting her into this position, and i feel like absolute shit right now.
i need some advice reddit. what should i say, (if anything) what should i do, how can i cope, and how can i make this any better, or is it completely and utterly fucked.
edit: thanks for the advice! hoping everything'll be alright, i'll try and talk to her today, and see what happens.
|
actually, not in the mood. just read it.
|
with a girl i really like, who's also a really good friend of mine. i don't know what to do, what to say or how to feel. i desperately need some help and advice.
|
[
"this happened yesterday, but i just need some",
"advice or help or something. i don't even know if",
"this the right place to post this, but fuck it.",
"so, today hasn't been the best day for me. i",
"haven't told my family or anything yet, so reddit",
"seems like the best place to get advice at the",
"moment. let me just explain the back story real",
"quick.",
"i'm a 16 year old, shy lad, who just recently",
"found out i had an amazingly warm, funny, and",
"spontaneous personality, which i've almost been",
"suppressing for most of my life. (i was bullied",
"quite badly in school, and it really effected my",
"self worth and self esteem)",
"recently, i said enough was enough, and wanted to",
"do more things to get myself out there, and try",
"and leave my shyness behind me, so i did",
"backstage work at a musical in my school. there,",
"i met an amazing girl. (well, we actually didn't",
"speak much then) the day after the last show, we",
"started chatting on facebook, mainly about the",
"play and school, but after it got more in depth.",
"we started realising we were very similar, both",
"in interests and personality wise, and we really",
"got along well. we have chatted pretty much every",
"day since then, just about school and life in",
"general. i really liked her, so after a bit, i",
"asked her out, however i didn't know she was with",
"someone, and she kindly declined, but we still",
"remained friends.",
"since then, i was kind of battling with my",
"feelings about her. sometimes it would get too",
"much, and i'd have to let it out, but she'd be",
"really understanding and cool about it. she said",
"she really admired my honesty and loved my",
"personality.",
"after a while, i said that we should maybe skype.",
"(just as friends, because i think it's hard to",
"keep in touch with a person through chat alone,",
"and also i couldn't go and hang out with her,",
"because the first and only time we did, it was",
"very awkward) she accepted, and a few days ago,",
"we started skyping at night. it was all good fun,",
"we were chatting, listening to music and just",
"having a good time. we did it until 2am, then we",
"did it again the next night.",
"yesterday, i got a message from her saying we",
"probably shouldn't chat for another while,",
"because she's starting to like me, (as in have",
"feelings for me) and she doesn't really know what",
"to do. i'll be honest, there were subtle signs",
"looking back, but i never really picked up on it",
"at the time.",
"now i'm stuck in this horrible position. one of",
"my best friends admits she likes me, and probably",
"won't ever speak to me again. i don't know what",
"to do, or what to say to make it any better. i",
"can't eat, i couldn't sleep yesterday, i feel",
"sick and dizzy, and i really just need some help.",
"i'm really angry at myself, and i'm completely",
"distraught. i blame myself fully on this for",
"putting her into this position, and i feel like",
"absolute shit right now.",
"i need some advice reddit. what should i say, (if",
"anything) what should i do, how can i cope, and",
"how can i make this any better, or is it",
"completely and utterly fucked.",
"edit: thanks for the advice! hoping everything'll",
"be alright, i'll try and talk to her today, and",
"see what happens."
] |
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did it again the next night.
|
0 | 3 | 0.5 | 0 |
well, not quite today, but i recently found one of the two lamps i chose to finger as a child. now, i wasn't quite smart in regards to electricity. i sorta thought it wasn't going to harm me. i was quite wrong. twice.
the first of these two times was a one time thing. i was probably about seven at the time, no fucking clue how i managed to reach the socket. i decided "i'll test if the socket is working!" and shoved three or four fingers into the socket of the lamp. my entire arm felt like bees. not like it was stung, like it was bees. i haven't done this again yet.
the second was a progression from harmless fun to burnt fingers and fingernails. everyone, i mean everyone had that one electricity lamp as a kid. you'd poke it and all the wavey lines would slow down and go to your finger. we had a dolphin. i loved poking it late at night. not with my dick, yet. over time i realized that the closer to the base my fingers were, the further the electricity would jump from the lamp to my fingers. i played with everything near the base. i had pretty much always had a glass of water. that was a horribly bad idea. i knew enough to know water conducts electricity, so naturally, i dip my entire finger into the glass and move my finger to the base. this thing wasn't quite as powerful as the lightbulb socket, so rather than my entire arm feeling like bees, only my fingers do. when i look at my fingers, some of them have black dots on them, and my nails have been burnt by the electricity, each with a bit of fingernail material burnt away entirely. the room smelled just as you'd expect, burning flesh.
i'll admit that it's not as fuck-up as some of the other stories here but whatever.
|
as a child, op loves playing with electricity, plans backfire, limbs feel like bees.
|
fingering lamps
|
[
"well, not quite today, but i recently found one of",
"the two lamps i chose to finger as a child. now,",
"i wasn't quite smart in regards to electricity. i",
"sorta thought it wasn't going to harm me. i was",
"quite wrong. twice.",
"the first of these two times was a one time",
"thing. i was probably about seven at the time, no",
"fucking clue how i managed to reach the socket. i",
"decided \"i'll test if the socket is working!\" and",
"shoved three or four fingers into the socket of",
"the lamp. my entire arm felt like bees. not like",
"it was stung, like it was bees. i haven't done",
"this again yet.",
"the second was a progression from harmless fun to",
"burnt fingers and fingernails. everyone, i mean",
"everyone had that one electricity lamp as a kid.",
"you'd poke it and all the wavey lines would slow",
"down and go to your finger. we had a dolphin. i",
"loved poking it late at night. not with my dick,",
"yet. over time i realized that the closer to the",
"base my fingers were, the further the electricity",
"would jump from the lamp to my fingers. i played",
"with everything near the base. i had pretty much",
"always had a glass of water. that was a horribly",
"bad idea. i knew enough to know water conducts",
"electricity, so naturally, i dip my entire finger",
"into the glass and move my finger to the base.",
"this thing wasn't quite as powerful as the",
"lightbulb socket, so rather than my entire arm",
"feeling like bees, only my fingers do. when i",
"look at my fingers, some of them have black dots",
"on them, and my nails have been burnt by the",
"electricity, each with a bit of fingernail",
"material burnt away entirely. the room smelled",
"just as you'd expect, burning flesh.",
"i'll admit that it's not as fuck-up as some of",
"the other stories here but whatever."
] |
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the two lamps i chose to finger as a child. now, feeling like bees, only my fingers do. when i
|
35 | 36 | 0.78 | 35 |
before you say anything: i realize it's sunday. this happened last tuesday. i just thought i'd share this with you, since i just discovered this subreddit an hour ago.
so, i'm just your regular high schooler in an all-girl's gym class. and we all know how violent girls can get competing against one another. this week we were playing flag football, and man, i get into the sports we play. as do the other girls. so, we're on the third down, yellow team has the ball and i'm on the red team playing blocker. yellow team hikes it and hands it off to some chick who goes backwards and tries getting around everyone. three second rule is up and i fucking dash for her.
though, turns out my teammate went for her also. teammate gets in front of me, while i am at a full sprint, and my forehead connects with her shoulder and my neck hyper-extends backwards and i can hear my neck crack several times. someone finally gets the person with the ball and the play is up and we're resetting position. i take two steps and collapse right on the spot. dizziness, sudden migraine, neck pain, the whole nine yards. (no pun intended.)
everything after this is a blur, i think we waited outside on the field for about thirty minutes until the ambulance got here. put me in a neck brace 'cause my neck was killing me, got shipped to dhmc (dartmouth-hitchcock medical center), put into the er... i remember, however, them trying to get me to stand up for x-rays. i stood up, felt completely fine, they got me in position for the x-rays...
and i blacked out and puked. thankfully, in a puke bag. it was disgusting. considering i only had orange juice beforehand. the color, the taste and the smell were not very pretty. they had me lay down and sleep for about an hour after that, then tried getting me to stand up for the x-rays again. they got the three they needed, but right directly afterwards i passed the fuck out and blacked out again.
and to top it all off, i had to get a rectal exam for some reason unbeknownst to me.
and they left the lube there so my buttcheeks kept sliding for the next few hours and it was the most ungodly feeling ever.
anyways i was half out of my wits by the time my mom wanted to take a picture and document my events. so, here's my completely clueless-as-to-what-is-happening face.
http://i.imgur.com/habi8wp.jpg
after a fiasco of trying to find a neckbrace that would actually fit my tiny neck, i was discharged from the er, at around 5:30 pm. this entire fiasco started around 10 am, if i can recall correctly. i made it out to the car, mom and i went to mcdonalds to get food because i hadn't eaten at all that day, i tried eating some fries...
puked again.
welp, good thing i got an extra pukebag from the hospital.
the final verdict for my injuries: a concussion and soft tissue neck injury where my neck hyperextended.
whee.
i now have to wear this neckbrace for the next week and a half, and my sister's wedding is in less than a week. and i'm a bridesmaid. whoopee. i get to wear a fugly neckbrace for the wedding. not to mention this shit is a fucking deathtrap around my neck.
the moral of this story: don't play flag football. or any american football, for that matter.
|
i got a concussion and a neck injury in school.
|
playing flag football.
|
[
"before you say anything: i realize it's sunday.",
"this happened last tuesday. i just thought i'd",
"share this with you, since i just discovered this",
"subreddit an hour ago.",
"so, i'm just your regular high schooler in an",
"all-girl's gym class. and we all know how violent",
"girls can get competing against one another. this",
"week we were playing flag football, and man, i",
"get into the sports we play. as do the other",
"girls. so, we're on the third down, yellow team",
"has the ball and i'm on the red team playing",
"blocker. yellow team hikes it and hands it off to",
"some chick who goes backwards and tries getting",
"around everyone. three second rule is up and i",
"fucking dash for her.",
"though, turns out my teammate went for her also.",
"teammate gets in front of me, while i am at a",
"full sprint, and my forehead connects with her",
"shoulder and my neck hyper-extends backwards and",
"i can hear my neck crack several times. someone",
"finally gets the person with the ball and the",
"play is up and we're resetting position. i take",
"two steps and collapse right on the spot.",
"dizziness, sudden migraine, neck pain, the whole",
"nine yards. (no pun intended.)",
"everything after this is a blur, i think we",
"waited outside on the field for about thirty",
"minutes until the ambulance got here. put me in a",
"neck brace 'cause my neck was killing me, got",
"shipped to dhmc (dartmouth-hitchcock medical",
"center), put into the er... i remember, however,",
"them trying to get me to stand up for x-rays. i",
"stood up, felt completely fine, they got me in",
"position for the x-rays...",
"and i blacked out and puked. thankfully, in a",
"puke bag. it was disgusting. considering i only",
"had orange juice beforehand. the color, the taste",
"and the smell were not very pretty. they had me",
"lay down and sleep for about an hour after that,",
"then tried getting me to stand up for the x-rays",
"again. they got the three they needed, but right",
"directly afterwards i passed the fuck out and",
"blacked out again.",
"and to top it all off, i had to get a rectal exam",
"for some reason unbeknownst to me.",
"and they left the lube there so my buttcheeks",
"kept sliding for the next few hours and it was",
"the most ungodly feeling ever.",
"anyways i was half out of my wits by the time my",
"mom wanted to take a picture and document my",
"events. so, here's my completely",
"clueless-as-to-what-is-happening face.",
"http://i.imgur.com/habi8wp.jpg",
"after a fiasco of trying to find a neckbrace that",
"would actually fit my tiny neck, i was discharged",
"from the er, at around 5:30 pm. this entire",
"fiasco started around 10 am, if i can recall",
"correctly. i made it out to the car, mom and i",
"went to mcdonalds to get food because i hadn't",
"eaten at all that day, i tried eating some",
"fries...",
"puked again.",
"welp, good thing i got an extra pukebag from the",
"hospital.",
"the final verdict for my injuries: a concussion",
"and soft tissue neck injury where my neck",
"hyperextended.",
"whee.",
"i now have to wear this neckbrace for the next",
"week and a half, and my sister's wedding is in",
"less than a week. and i'm a bridesmaid. whoopee.",
"i get to wear a fugly neckbrace for the wedding.",
"not to mention this shit is a fucking deathtrap",
"around my neck.",
"the moral of this story: don't play flag",
"football. or any american football, for that",
"matter."
] |
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and soft tissue neck injury where my neck
|
90 | 34 | 0.84 | 90 |
alright, so today i was giving mom a much needed break from watching our 2 month old. she put on the tv and selected some show shes never watched but it said something about gymnasts. it was this crap show about some high.school gymnastic team. anyways for some dumb reason i start talking to the baby, "mom watches stupid shows." soafter i say that he lets out a little smile, obviously not thinking now i keep repeating it, ehile my poor wife was just trying to eat lunch. yadda yadda yadda. now she is super depressed, wont even turn on a tv, she didnt do her nightly p90x which she loves and has been crying off and on all evening. i've done all the disaster recovery i, can do for now i think i just need to give her space, fuck am i dumb.
|
called my wife stupid in baby voice repeatedly to my 2 month old, like a giant inflamed cockjuggling moron asshole.
|
belittled wife
|
[
"alright, so today i was giving mom a much needed",
"break from watching our 2 month old. she put on",
"the tv and selected some show shes never watched",
"but it said something about gymnasts. it was",
"this crap show about some high.school gymnastic",
"team. anyways for some dumb reason i start",
"talking to the baby, \"mom watches stupid shows.\"",
"soafter i say that he lets out a little smile,",
"obviously not thinking now i keep repeating it,",
"ehile my poor wife was just trying to eat lunch.",
"yadda yadda yadda. now she is super depressed,",
"wont even turn on a tv, she didnt do her nightly",
"p90x which she loves and has been crying off and",
"on all evening. i've done all the disaster",
"recovery i, can do for now i think i just need to",
"give her space, fuck am i dumb."
] |
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break from watching our 2 month old. she put on talking to the baby, "mom watches stupid shows." ehile my poor wife was just trying to eat lunch.
|
8 | 4 | 0.56 | 8 |
so this isn't a "today" story.
it actually happened almost 10 years ago. but it doesnt mean it's any less funny
i once had a gf. cut a long story short - she's a whore.
worst relationship i ever had in my life. damaged me for years.
anyways, whilst we were technically broken up but still in that stage of thinking we were going to work out our differences (i was still in denial of her whoreness), she came past with her sister once to pick something up.
i directed her to take a different, better route home. as she wasn't familiar with it, she got well and truly lost. so she calls me in that panicky voice asking me to direct her back to safety.
at the time i had 2 phones.. a work phone and my personal phone. i was talking to her on my work phone (as it was paid for), and while i was on the phone with her i got a call from a mate of mine. he called me 2-3 times as for whatever irrelevant reason, he really needed to talk to me.
me being the good bf i am i ignore my mates call so i can make sure my woman arrives safely and know where she's at.
at the time i also did harbour some animosity towards her, and well, this is about to come out.
i went to send my mate a text message to explain my ignoring of his calls
"hey man ill call u back, these bitches are lost just directing them"
something along those lines.
hit send.. only to realise i had sent it to her.
she was still on the phone at this stage. i know she hasn't seen it yet. but i know she will. i don't know how to handle it. what to say. what to do. but i know she's not going to be happy.
so once she knew where she was and i was about to let her go.. it was like "uh.. bye.. i'll umm... speak to you later.... i guess...."
needless to say. my phone rang about a minute later.
yeah.. she wasn't too pleased.
i felt like such a dick at the time, and grovelling ensued, but now i think its hilarious.
moral of the story: double check who your sms is going to.
|
sent my gf at the time a message calling her a lost bitch. wasn't meant for her.
|
sending a text about my gf... to my gf...
|
[
"so this isn't a \"today\" story.",
"it actually happened almost 10 years ago. but it",
"doesnt mean it's any less funny",
"i once had a gf. cut a long story short - she's a",
"whore.",
"worst relationship i ever had in my life. damaged",
"me for years.",
"anyways, whilst we were technically broken up but",
"still in that stage of thinking we were going to",
"work out our differences (i was still in denial",
"of her whoreness), she came past with her sister",
"once to pick something up.",
"i directed her to take a different, better route",
"home. as she wasn't familiar with it, she got",
"well and truly lost. so she calls me in that",
"panicky voice asking me to direct her back to",
"safety.",
"at the time i had 2 phones.. a work phone and my",
"personal phone. i was talking to her on my work",
"phone (as it was paid for), and while i was on",
"the phone with her i got a call from a mate of",
"mine. he called me 2-3 times as for whatever",
"irrelevant reason, he really needed to talk to",
"me.",
"me being the good bf i am i ignore my mates call",
"so i can make sure my woman arrives safely and",
"know where she's at.",
"at the time i also did harbour some animosity",
"towards her, and well, this is about to come out.",
"i went to send my mate a text message to explain",
"my ignoring of his calls",
"\"hey man ill call u back, these bitches are lost",
"just directing them\"",
"something along those lines.",
"hit send.. only to realise i had sent it to her.",
"she was still on the phone at this stage. i know",
"she hasn't seen it yet. but i know she will. i",
"don't know how to handle it. what to say. what to",
"do. but i know she's not going to be happy.",
"so once she knew where she was and i was about to",
"let her go.. it was like \"uh.. bye.. i'll umm...",
"speak to you later.... i guess....\"",
"needless to say. my phone rang about a minute",
"later.",
"yeah.. she wasn't too pleased.",
"i felt like such a dick at the time, and",
"grovelling ensued, but now i think its hilarious.",
"moral of the story: double check who your sms is",
"going to."
] |
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me for years. at the time i had 2 phones.. a work phone and my
|
13 | 2 | 0.85 | 13 |
here's the scenario: i am currently trying to take differential equations and linear algebra in the summer. however, due to the school swapping around classes at the last minute, i now have to drop linear algebra. i then decide to take organic chemistry. however, i have to take the lab and the class together, which means i now have to drive around trying to find a store with carbon copy lab notebooks because thursday is a lab day. mind you that this is all during the break i had between differential equations and orgo. i then finally get the book, and turn around to go to class. i type in the address into google maps, and the navigation tells me to continue straight on a road. i then pull up to the intersection, searching for any lights or signs. little to my knowledge, posted on the side of the road is a little sign that says right turn only. while i am piecing together what to do in the intersection, i unknowingly drifted a little forward, causing a car to hit me. i then deal with the ensuing police and everything, and realize that its too late to get to my class, and get ready to figure out what to do. i then get an email saying that orgo is likely to not be transferable, so i realize now that the entire getting the book and ensuing accident were pointless, and all that ended up happening was me now owing money, not being able to take the class, and being without a car in the middle of a busy week of work, classes, and driving everywhere trying to get everything done.
|
was being rushed, crashed, dropped class, owe tons of money
|
trying to do too many things
|
[
"here's the scenario: i am currently trying to take",
"differential equations and linear algebra in the",
"summer. however, due to the school swapping",
"around classes at the last minute, i now have to",
"drop linear algebra. i then decide to take",
"organic chemistry. however, i have to take the",
"lab and the class together, which means i now",
"have to drive around trying to find a store with",
"carbon copy lab notebooks because thursday is a",
"lab day. mind you that this is all during the",
"break i had between differential equations and",
"orgo. i then finally get the book, and turn",
"around to go to class. i type in the address",
"into google maps, and the navigation tells me to",
"continue straight on a road. i then pull up to",
"the intersection, searching for any lights or",
"signs. little to my knowledge, posted on the",
"side of the road is a little sign that says right",
"turn only. while i am piecing together what to",
"do in the intersection, i unknowingly drifted a",
"little forward, causing a car to hit me. i then",
"deal with the ensuing police and everything, and",
"realize that its too late to get to my class, and",
"get ready to figure out what to do. i then get",
"an email saying that orgo is likely to not be",
"transferable, so i realize now that the entire",
"getting the book and ensuing accident were",
"pointless, and all that ended up happening was me",
"now owing money, not being able to take the",
"class, and being without a car in the middle of a",
"busy week of work, classes, and driving",
"everywhere trying to get everything done."
] |
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class, and being without a car in the middle of a
|
1 | 2 | 0.54 | 1 |
this isn't my fuckup, but it's my friend's.
names have been changed incase one of my friends sees this
towards the end of every year in my highschool, each class has a class trip. because we're sophomores and didn't have much cash, we decided to spend the day in an amusement park.
for the first have of the day everything went well. went on a ton of rides, including one in a dark room that spins fast and plays music and has strobe lights and shit. tons of fun.
we had just gotten finished going on a rollercoaster and some of us were hungry. we decided that we would eat and go on a milder rollercoaster. well a couple of my friends just can't wait and run ahead while we're eating to the other coaster.
we finish our food and begin to walk to the rollercoaster when my phone starts to ring. it's one of my friends who went ahead. he yells over the phone "dude a security guard took away bill and steve!" i ask him what the fuck happened and he said that they both flipped off the camera on the rollercoaster. you know that camera on most rollercoasters that takes a picture of you so the park can sell it to you? yeah that camera.
apparently it got flashed in front of a bunch of other people, including some kids. now at this point we all think that they're messing with us, so we go to take a look.
sure enough a security guard was escorting away bill and steve. at this point they had two options: sit in the security booth all day, or call one of our teachers. they chose the latter. now bill, who is basically the leader of our group, and steve have to stay with a teacher who is a total buzzkill.
our homeroom teacher was furious. he said that they will talk about it tommorrow. nobody knows whats gonna happen to them. also now we are gonna get lectured on how "we are misrepresenting our school".
also i know that it would seem unlikely that an amusement park would care if someone flipped off the camera, but for some stupid reason our class president chose an especially family friendly one mostly marketed to younger kids.
|
friend flips off camera on rollercoaster, gets escorted away by security**
|
riding a rollercoaster.
|
[
"this isn't my fuckup, but it's my friend's.",
"names have been changed incase one of my friends",
"sees this",
"towards the end of every year in my highschool,",
"each class has a class trip. because we're",
"sophomores and didn't have much cash, we decided",
"to spend the day in an amusement park.",
"for the first have of the day everything went",
"well. went on a ton of rides, including one in a",
"dark room that spins fast and plays music and has",
"strobe lights and shit. tons of fun.",
"we had just gotten finished going on a",
"rollercoaster and some of us were hungry. we",
"decided that we would eat and go on a milder",
"rollercoaster. well a couple of my friends just",
"can't wait and run ahead while we're eating to",
"the other coaster.",
"we finish our food and begin to walk to the",
"rollercoaster when my phone starts to ring. it's",
"one of my friends who went ahead. he yells over",
"the phone \"dude a security guard took away bill",
"and steve!\" i ask him what the fuck happened and",
"he said that they both flipped off the camera on",
"the rollercoaster. you know that camera on most",
"rollercoasters that takes a picture of you so the",
"park can sell it to you? yeah that camera.",
"apparently it got flashed in front of a bunch of",
"other people, including some kids. now at this",
"point we all think that they're messing with us,",
"so we go to take a look.",
"sure enough a security guard was escorting away",
"bill and steve. at this point they had two",
"options: sit in the security booth all day, or",
"call one of our teachers. they chose the latter.",
"now bill, who is basically the leader of our",
"group, and steve have to stay with a teacher who",
"is a total buzzkill.",
"our homeroom teacher was furious. he said that",
"they will talk about it tommorrow. nobody knows",
"whats gonna happen to them. also now we are gonna",
"get lectured on how \"we are misrepresenting our",
"school\".",
"also i know that it would seem unlikely that an",
"amusement park would care if someone flipped off",
"the camera, but for some stupid reason our class",
"president chose an especially family friendly one",
"mostly marketed to younger kids."
] |
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the rollercoaster. you know that camera on most sure enough a security guard was escorting away
|
13 | 8 | 0.75 | 13 |
well at this point you may be thinking to yourself, "oh it's another person with an 'i shit my pants' story", but it's actually much, much more intense than that.
imagine this; it's a nice, warm day in beautiful boulder, colorado. me and some friends are bored and hungry, so we decide to go to buffalo wild wings before taking a nice hike up to the majestic [flatirons](http://asamatterofstyle.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/flat-irons.jpg). so eventually we arrive at buffalo wild wings and we all get our own wings and sauces. i, stupidly, get an order of "asian zing" wings. now, at the time, they were delicious! i had no idea of what was to come of my fatal mistake.
so we finally get up to a good hiking trail and we decide to do some [free climbing](http://i.imgur.com/r5ajwv5.jpg) away from the paths. little did i know how badly that would work my bowels. a good bit into the hike it finally hits me. with no toilet for miles (there wasn't one at the base of the trail), i had little choice but to become closer with nature.
as i'm releasing the flaming torrent of diarrhea from my body, i feel something hard come through. after my friends found me some nice, big leaves to wipe with(i swear that shit was like 8-ply tp), we [examined my addition to nature](http://i.imgur.com/nuxlaau.jpg)[nsfw]. that's when we found out that the hard thing that i had dropped was an[ asian zing wing that i apparently couldn't pass very well](http://i.imgur.com/akqlm26.jpg)[nsfw].
after that we hiked for a while longer and then i went home, finished the job, and showered for a good 20 minutes.
|
if you go hiking, remember that leaves work like 8-ply toilet paper.
|
not going to the bathroom before going on a hike [pics included]
|
[
"well at this point you may be thinking to",
"yourself, \"oh it's another person with an 'i shit",
"my pants' story\", but it's actually much, much",
"more intense than that.",
"imagine this; it's a nice, warm day in beautiful",
"boulder, colorado. me and some friends are bored",
"and hungry, so we decide to go to buffalo wild",
"wings before taking a nice hike up to the",
"majestic",
"[flatirons](http://asamatterofstyle.files.wordpre",
"ss.com/2011/07/flat-irons.jpg).",
"so eventually we arrive at buffalo wild wings",
"and we all get our own wings and sauces. i,",
"stupidly, get an order of \"asian zing\" wings.",
"now, at the time, they were delicious! i had no",
"idea of what was to come of my fatal mistake.",
"so we finally get up to a good hiking trail and",
"we decide to do some [free",
"climbing](http://i.imgur.com/r5ajwv5.jpg) away",
"from the paths. little did i know how badly that",
"would work my bowels. a good bit into the hike",
"it finally hits me. with no toilet for miles",
"(there wasn't one at the base of the trail), i",
"had little choice but to become closer with",
"nature.",
"as i'm releasing the flaming torrent of diarrhea",
"from my body, i feel something hard come through.",
"after my friends found me some nice, big leaves",
"to wipe with(i swear that shit was like 8-ply",
"tp), we [examined my addition to",
"nature](http://i.imgur.com/nuxlaau.jpg)[nsfw].",
"that's when we found out that the hard thing that",
"i had dropped was an[ asian zing wing that i",
"apparently couldn't pass very",
"well](http://i.imgur.com/akqlm26.jpg)[nsfw].",
"after that we hiked for a while longer and then i",
"went home, finished the job, and showered for a",
"good 20 minutes."
] |
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to wipe with(i swear that shit was like 8-ply
|
1,937 | 508 | 0.96 | 1,937 |
so, fuck...
bit of info. i work in an office building and every fucking door in this spot is locked with a keycard access.
so here i am, monday morning, i was sitting at my desk when i got up to grab a glass of water. but on no! the water machine is empty! so being the nice guy i go in the storage area, and grab 4 bottles (i always grab 4) 1 in each hand and in the arms.
i get to my department door, and these doors are magnetic lock, so i need to swipe my card to get in. i do, not too many issues.
before going in, i take a peek behind the frosted glass to make sure nobody is there, and proceed to give the door a little kick to get in.
i give the door a little kick to open, but i slipped, and pretty much put my entire weight, plus 4 giant water jugs full behind it, and the door just stopped half way and closed again.
i put down the water bottles, slowly open the door, and see my coworker, laying on the floor, face full of blood, unconscious..
turns out she was tying her shoe, as she was about to leave.
15 minutes later, ambulance, fire department, police all show up because turns out when you call 911 from a large office building, they send the whole force!
day goes by as well as it could considering...
jump to today, i get some more news about her condition..
she has a broken nose, concussion, fractured scull, and some brain damage... and she will be needing plastic surgery to get her face straight again, since you know, giant heavy metal doors and faces don't mix..
i feel like shit, i literally broke her face, like, fuck...
but from what i've been told, she will be doing a full recovery and should have no scars.
i wanted to go see her in the hospital, but she doesn't want to see me right now, i guess she's a bit upset at the whole situation.. (i wonder why???)
edit: many people are wondering if i actually apologized to her. and of course i did! but how much apologizing can you do when they are just waking up from being knocked out with a broken nose and cracked skull?
and also, they were 5 gallon water jugs, i'm a pretty big guy, so carrying the water turned into my responsibility as i'm the only guy in my department.
|
kicked door, face was in the way. fucked it right up.
|
she now has brain damage...
|
[
"so, fuck...",
"bit of info. i work in an office building and",
"every fucking door in this spot is locked with a",
"keycard access.",
"so here i am, monday morning, i was sitting at my",
"desk when i got up to grab a glass of water. but",
"on no! the water machine is empty! so being the",
"nice guy i go in the storage area, and grab 4",
"bottles (i always grab 4) 1 in each hand and in",
"the arms.",
"i get to my department door, and these doors are",
"magnetic lock, so i need to swipe my card to get",
"in. i do, not too many issues.",
"before going in, i take a peek behind the frosted",
"glass to make sure nobody is there, and proceed",
"to give the door a little kick to get in.",
"i give the door a little kick to open, but i",
"slipped, and pretty much put my entire weight,",
"plus 4 giant water jugs full behind it, and the",
"door just stopped half way and closed again.",
"i put down the water bottles, slowly open the",
"door, and see my coworker, laying on the floor,",
"face full of blood, unconscious..",
"turns out she was tying her shoe, as she was",
"about to leave.",
"15 minutes later, ambulance, fire department,",
"police all show up because turns out when you",
"call 911 from a large office building, they send",
"the whole force!",
"day goes by as well as it could considering...",
"jump to today, i get some more news about her",
"condition..",
"she has a broken nose, concussion, fractured",
"scull, and some brain damage... and she will be",
"needing plastic surgery to get her face straight",
"again, since you know, giant heavy metal doors",
"and faces don't mix..",
"i feel like shit, i literally broke her face,",
"like, fuck...",
"but from what i've been told, she will be doing a",
"full recovery and should have no scars.",
"i wanted to go see her in the hospital, but she",
"doesn't want to see me right now, i guess she's a",
"bit upset at the whole situation.. (i wonder",
"why???)",
"edit: many people are wondering if i actually",
"apologized to her. and of course i did! but how",
"much apologizing can you do when they are just",
"waking up from being knocked out with a broken",
"nose and cracked skull?",
"and also, they were 5 gallon water jugs, i'm a",
"pretty big guy, so carrying the water turned into",
"my responsibility as i'm the only guy in my",
"department."
] |
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nice guy i go in the storage area, and grab 4 door just stopped half way and closed again.
|
11 | 7 | 0.93 | 11 |
*this didn't happen today but rather on the fourth of july.*
**to preface:** my friends and i have gone to the beach with one of my friend's family the week of the fourth every summer during highschool. this year was our last year so we decided to put on a big fireworks show on the beach for the fourth. we decide to go all out, and when its all said and done we end up with $868 worth of mortars.
**and now the fuck up:** on the fourth we take all of the fireworks out to the beach for our grand show. we start out by shooting one or two mortars at a time, and quickly progress to four or five at a time. as we shoot off more and more, we start to draw an increasingly larger crowd. at this point i have the genius idea to shoot off nine mortars at a time. what could possibly go wrong? we load all of the tubes, twist the fuses together and i light them up. there are eight simaltaneous expolsions as eight mortars streak into the sky. unfortunantly the nineth had a longer fuse, and got knocked over by the other eight blasts. it fell pointing straight at the croud of 40 or so people watching. time slowed and i helplessly watched as the mortar shotts straight at the crowd of people, and hits my friend's 8 year old sister as it explodes. there is a deafening boom, flames and fire erupt, and people scream and run. when the smoke clears, we find the girl who got hit. thankfully she is ok, but our fireworks show is called to a halt and the girl's mother gives me the stink eye the rest of the trip.
|
tried to shoot off nine mortars at once, one fell over and blew up on my friend's eight year old sister**
|
shooting my friend's sister with a firework
|
[
"*this didn't happen today but rather on the fourth",
"of july.*",
"**to preface:** my friends and i have gone to the",
"beach with one of my friend's family the week of",
"the fourth every summer during highschool. this",
"year was our last year so we decided to put on a",
"big fireworks show on the beach for the fourth.",
"we decide to go all out, and when its all said",
"and done we end up with $868 worth of mortars.",
"**and now the fuck up:** on the fourth we take",
"all of the fireworks out to the beach for our",
"grand show. we start out by shooting one or two",
"mortars at a time, and quickly progress to four",
"or five at a time. as we shoot off more and more,",
"we start to draw an increasingly larger crowd. at",
"this point i have the genius idea to shoot off",
"nine mortars at a time. what could possibly go",
"wrong? we load all of the tubes, twist the fuses",
"together and i light them up. there are eight",
"simaltaneous expolsions as eight mortars streak",
"into the sky. unfortunantly the nineth had a",
"longer fuse, and got knocked over by the other",
"eight blasts. it fell pointing straight at the",
"croud of 40 or so people watching. time slowed",
"and i helplessly watched as the mortar shotts",
"straight at the crowd of people, and hits my",
"friend's 8 year old sister as it explodes. there",
"is a deafening boom, flames and fire erupt, and",
"people scream and run. when the smoke clears, we",
"find the girl who got hit. thankfully she is ok,",
"but our fireworks show is called to a halt and",
"the girl's mother gives me the stink eye the rest",
"of the trip."
] |
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this point i have the genius idea to shoot off nine mortars at a time. what could possibly go friend's 8 year old sister as it explodes. there
|
33 | 17 | 0.87 | 33 |
i'll try to make this as short as possible, but no promises. also, this was sunday evening.
a little background: for the fifteen years that i've been alive, my grandma and i have always had a horrible relationship. i think it started when i was four and made fun of me for still not being potty trained, but i don't know. ever since, she's made fun of my clothes, my lack of a boyfriend (even though i'm perfectly fine without one right now), and my weight. since she's my grandmother, i can't really tell her how i feel without getting into a cussing storm that would make the ying-yang twins blush. so i have like a little rant folder in documents, which is labeled ["bitches"](http://i.imgur.com/4vetgqe.png). basically, i write letters to people that annoy me without the intention of sending them.
it helps with my anger, as i've been known to get in trouble with my big mouth when i get angry.
anyways, my grandparents came over for dinner. my grandma was ranting on and on about how no one talks to her and that my grandpa doesn't love her anymore. so, instead of making a smart ass comment about how he wasn't the only one, i wrote a [letter](http://i.imgur.com/rvkzjes.png) to her. when i was done, i saved it and called it "fuck you.", closed out of it, then left to use the bathroom and call my dad to talk about when i would come over. when i returned, i saw my grandmother crying and my mom trying to comfort her. my grandpa (who never gave two fucks) just sat on the couch and watched family feud (coincidence?) in typical old persons fashions. apparently, my grandma snooped through my laptop (which is in the kitchen), found my document and read it. but me, instead of apologizing, just shrugged my shoulders, went to my computer and shut it down before i went to my room and sat around. i guess she noticed how apathetic i was because the next thing i knew, i heard a mixture of blubbering about me not caring and crying as i walked up the stairs.
i'm now at my dad's house and i'm feeling really guilty for making an elderly woman cry. the problem is that when i feel guilty, then i get really nervous, so then i **don't** apologize. so i'll most likely pull a dick move and apologize the next time i see her. knowing her though, it won't be accepted. instead, she'll get the last word in about me being a "fat bitch". but at least i learned a lesson: every time i leave my computer unattended for more than ten minutes, i should probably log out.
|
wrote a passive aggressive letter to my grandma. she snoops through my laptop, finds it, then starts crying. me, being an asshole, decides to ignore it and continue on with my day.**
|
making my grandma cry and noticeably not feeling bad
|
[
"i'll try to make this as short as possible, but no",
"promises. also, this was sunday evening.",
"a little background: for the fifteen years that",
"i've been alive, my grandma and i have always had",
"a horrible relationship. i think it started when",
"i was four and made fun of me for still not being",
"potty trained, but i don't know. ever since,",
"she's made fun of my clothes, my lack of a",
"boyfriend (even though i'm perfectly fine without",
"one right now), and my weight. since she's my",
"grandmother, i can't really tell her how i feel",
"without getting into a cussing storm that would",
"make the ying-yang twins blush. so i have like a",
"little rant folder in documents, which is labeled",
"[\"bitches\"](http://i.imgur.com/4vetgqe.png).",
"basically, i write letters to people that annoy",
"me without the intention of sending them.",
"it helps with my anger, as i've been known to get",
"in trouble with my big mouth when i get angry.",
"anyways, my grandparents came over for dinner. my",
"grandma was ranting on and on about how no one",
"talks to her and that my grandpa doesn't love her",
"anymore. so, instead of making a smart ass",
"comment about how he wasn't the only one, i wrote",
"a [letter](http://i.imgur.com/rvkzjes.png) to",
"her. when i was done, i saved it and called it",
"\"fuck you.\", closed out of it, then left to use",
"the bathroom and call my dad to talk about when i",
"would come over. when i returned, i saw my",
"grandmother crying and my mom trying to comfort",
"her. my grandpa (who never gave two fucks) just",
"sat on the couch and watched family feud",
"(coincidence?) in typical old persons fashions.",
"apparently, my grandma snooped through my laptop",
"(which is in the kitchen), found my document and",
"read it. but me, instead of apologizing, just",
"shrugged my shoulders, went to my computer and",
"shut it down before i went to my room and sat",
"around. i guess she noticed how apathetic i was",
"because the next thing i knew, i heard a mixture",
"of blubbering about me not caring and crying as i",
"walked up the stairs.",
"i'm now at my dad's house and i'm feeling really",
"guilty for making an elderly woman cry. the",
"problem is that when i feel guilty, then i get",
"really nervous, so then i **don't** apologize. so",
"i'll most likely pull a dick move and apologize",
"the next time i see her. knowing her though, it",
"won't be accepted. instead, she'll get the last",
"word in about me being a \"fat bitch\". but at",
"least i learned a lesson: every time i leave my",
"computer unattended for more than ten minutes, i",
"should probably log out."
] |
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"fuck you.", closed out of it, then left to use apparently, my grandma snooped through my laptop shrugged my shoulders, went to my computer and word in about me being a "fat bitch". but at
|
50 | 14 | 0.88 | 50 |
my so and i spent the weekend at his family's cabin. the cabin is located in a rural, wooded area in the mountains, so bugs and wild animals are quite plentiful. we have spent a good number of summer weekends relaxing at the cabin, and it is not unheard of to find an ant infestation, some rat/mice droppings, or even a dead critter upon arrival. nothing appeared to be out of order when we arrived, aside from an angry yellow-jacket hive that we decided we'd take care of the following day.
fast forward a few hours and a few more than few beers. things started getting frisky in the living room, so we moved things to the bedroom, pulling the comforter off the bed without turning the lights on and proceeding to have rather bind-blowing sex. after cuddling for a few minutes to catch our breath, i got up and went to the bathroom. as i was sitting in the bathroom, i recall scratching my shoulder and thinking that i saw/heard something brush off my body. i thought that i may have lost my earring for a second, but, after verifying that was not the case, i didn't think anything more of it.
i returned to the bedroom and was about to collapse back onto the bed when i noticed some small pieces of something scattered all over the sheets. there wasn't enough light coming in from the hallway to get a good look, so i flipped on the lights. i initially had no idea what was on the sheets, so called to my so in the bathroom to come help me figure it out. as soon as the words, "what the hell is all over the bed," came out of my mouth, it hit me. it was mouse shit. my memory flashed to the feeling that something had fell off my body in the bathroom and i began frantically trying to get any remnants off my back. for a few seconds, i freaked out, worrying that there may have been a dead mouse wrapped in the sheets. luckily there was not, but i did find a hole in the comforter that looked like it had been made by hungry little mouth teeth. after a minute or so of repulsion, we both had a good laugh about it while we changed the sheets. okay, just kidding. we didn't feel like changing the sheets, so we just brushed everything off and laid back down to go to sleep.
|
i accidentally had bind-blowing mouse scat sex.**
|
failing to check the sheets before sex.
|
[
"my so and i spent the weekend at his family's",
"cabin. the cabin is located in a rural, wooded",
"area in the mountains, so bugs and wild animals",
"are quite plentiful. we have spent a good number",
"of summer weekends relaxing at the cabin, and it",
"is not unheard of to find an ant infestation,",
"some rat/mice droppings, or even a dead critter",
"upon arrival. nothing appeared to be out of",
"order when we arrived, aside from an angry",
"yellow-jacket hive that we decided we'd take care",
"of the following day.",
"fast forward a few hours and a few more than few",
"beers. things started getting frisky in the",
"living room, so we moved things to the bedroom,",
"pulling the comforter off the bed without turning",
"the lights on and proceeding to have rather",
"bind-blowing sex. after cuddling for a few",
"minutes to catch our breath, i got up and went to",
"the bathroom. as i was sitting in the bathroom,",
"i recall scratching my shoulder and thinking that",
"i saw/heard something brush off my body. i",
"thought that i may have lost my earring for a",
"second, but, after verifying that was not the",
"case, i didn't think anything more of it.",
"i returned to the bedroom and was about to",
"collapse back onto the bed when i noticed some",
"small pieces of something scattered all over the",
"sheets. there wasn't enough light coming in from",
"the hallway to get a good look, so i flipped on",
"the lights. i initially had no idea what was on",
"the sheets, so called to my so in the bathroom to",
"come help me figure it out. as soon as the",
"words, \"what the hell is all over the bed,\" came",
"out of my mouth, it hit me. it was mouse shit.",
"my memory flashed to the feeling that something",
"had fell off my body in the bathroom and i began",
"frantically trying to get any remnants off my",
"back. for a few seconds, i freaked out, worrying",
"that there may have been a dead mouse wrapped in",
"the sheets. luckily there was not, but i did",
"find a hole in the comforter that looked like it",
"had been made by hungry little mouth teeth.",
"after a minute or so of repulsion, we both had a",
"good laugh about it while we changed the sheets.",
"okay, just kidding. we didn't feel like changing",
"the sheets, so we just brushed everything off and",
"laid back down to go to sleep."
] |
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bind-blowing sex. after cuddling for a few
|
0 | 5 | 0.29 | 0 |
so, i made the ill-thought idea to dump my girlfriend only a couple hours after her friend died in a hit-and-run. i **hate** to see people sad, and crying. well, she called me, crying about finding out she was single. i really didn't want any confrontation, so i ended up taking her back. so now i have a girlfriend that i don't want, plus i have to help her grieve. yay me!
|
tried to break up with girlfriend after friend died, still stuck with girlfriend.
|
trying to break up with my gf at the worst time
|
[
"so, i made the ill-thought idea to dump my",
"girlfriend only a couple hours after her friend",
"died in a hit-and-run. i **hate** to see people",
"sad, and crying. well, she called me, crying",
"about finding out she was single. i really didn't",
"want any confrontation, so i ended up taking her",
"back. so now i have a girlfriend that i don't",
"want, plus i have to help her grieve. yay me!"
] |
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] |
girlfriend only a couple hours after her friend died in a hit-and-run. i **hate** to see people
|
5 | 2 | 0.57 | 5 |
i was lying on my futon watching family guy and bored. i was playing with the remote by slapping it on my stomach and after 10 minutes of doing so i missed my tummy some how and slapped my balls really hard.
|
i hit my balls with the remote.
|
slapping a remote on my stomach
|
[
"i was lying on my futon watching family guy and",
"bored. i was playing with the remote by slapping",
"it on my stomach and after 10 minutes of doing so",
"i missed my tummy some how and slapped my balls",
"really hard."
] |
[
0.07110339340860772,
1,
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0.4067050965818575,
0
] |
bored. i was playing with the remote by slapping
|
14 | 4 | 0.66 | 14 |
near the end of november i had ordered some things for christmas and had them shipped to my grandmothers to prevent my family members from seeing what i had gotten them.
fast forward a few weeks and she's having a christmas party for people at the state house, her place of work, and for the future speaker of the house. there were also a lot of state reps, and people of high interest there who had brought their families, so we were told to act our best. after the party had started moving into the main room, we decided to go into one of the back room closets where the items i had ordered were put so they wouldn't get in the way of the party. trying to keep it hidden from the rest of my family members, we went into the closet, closing the doors and locking them. (the inside of the closet has a lock inside of it.) now, this is a fairly large closet, but it's packed pretty full with packaging for the holiday decor, so it's a bit cramped.
unknown to the three of us, my grandmother had decided to give a tour to one of her friends who had yet to see her newer place. eventually, they came to the locked closet and and tried open it, so my friend decided to open the door to the closet. my grandmother introduces her "grandson and his two friends" to the former president of a major east coast university.(can i mention his name and the university?) it took us about a half hour to realize what had happened, and how extremely awkward and odd it seemed. he remembered our names, but i'm not sure if that's really something to be proud of.
|
me and my friends got caught in a locked closet messing with our packages.
|
coming out of the closet with two of my friends
|
[
"near the end of november i had ordered some things",
"for christmas and had them shipped to my",
"grandmothers to prevent my family members from",
"seeing what i had gotten them.",
"fast forward a few weeks and she's having a",
"christmas party for people at the state house,",
"her place of work, and for the future speaker of",
"the house. there were also a lot of state reps,",
"and people of high interest there who had brought",
"their families, so we were told to act our best.",
"after the party had started moving into the main",
"room, we decided to go into one of the back room",
"closets where the items i had ordered were put so",
"they wouldn't get in the way of the party. trying",
"to keep it hidden from the rest of my family",
"members, we went into the closet, closing the",
"doors and locking them. (the inside of the closet",
"has a lock inside of it.) now, this is a fairly",
"large closet, but it's packed pretty full with",
"packaging for the holiday decor, so it's a bit",
"cramped.",
"unknown to the three of us, my grandmother had",
"decided to give a tour to one of her friends who",
"had yet to see her newer place. eventually, they",
"came to the locked closet and and tried open it,",
"so my friend decided to open the door to the",
"closet. my grandmother introduces her \"grandson",
"and his two friends\" to the former president of a",
"major east coast university.(can i mention his",
"name and the university?) it took us about a half",
"hour to realize what had happened, and how",
"extremely awkward and odd it seemed. he",
"remembered our names, but i'm not sure if that's",
"really something to be proud of."
] |
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came to the locked closet and and tried open it, and his two friends" to the former president of a
|
6 | 3 | 0.73 | 6 |
a month ago i posted about a shitty advising appointment. well...things just got a lot worse. the university (at least, the student finances department) is threatening legal action against me. in which case i probably shouldn't be posting this anywhere on the internet, but i'm an idiot, so what the hell.
long story short, my parents, dipshits that they are, promised to pay my tuition in full and never followed through. excuse being that they don't want to waste their money (having no income, of course) on my sub-par education that i'm apparently getting nothing from. cue shitty advising appointment, lack of plan for next semester, etc.
last week i got a letter from student finances saying my bill was way overdue and that if i didn't pay by the date stated, they'd either refer me to a collections agency or take up a case in small claims court. it was postmarked a week earlier but only delivered that day, which i found out to be the fault of the post office. called my dad, trying not to freak out. his solution was to come "visit" me and yell at somebody in the student finances office. i was not allowed to accompany him, as his affairs/finances/whatever are evidently none of my business.
did a bunch of paperwork to get financial aid during finals week instead of studying for exams (caviat of this being i need all passing grades to receive aid). finally got processed. should be coming through tomorrow. due date for payment already passed. i'm fucked. called the office to see if they would waive the legal action part of things since i have money coming. phone cut out, but not before i found out i'd be roughly $800 short. called back several times. finally got a hold of somebody who'd said they called another office and informed them of the situation and told me to send an e-mail d just so they'd have it in writing. waiting on response. practically shitting bricks.
so i may or may not get a court summons sometime soon. merry fucking christmas.
advice?
edit: the actual fuck-up here is that i believed them when they said they'd pay it. sorry if that didn't come across. my brains are rather fried right now.
|
my asshole parents are quite possibly the most unreliable and untrustworthy people on the face of the planet and i might be sent to court or have to file bankruptcy because of their dipshittery.
|
not paying my tuition on time
|
[
"a month ago i posted about a shitty advising",
"appointment. well...things just got a lot worse.",
"the university (at least, the student finances",
"department) is threatening legal action against",
"me. in which case i probably shouldn't be posting",
"this anywhere on the internet, but i'm an idiot,",
"so what the hell.",
"long story short, my parents, dipshits that they",
"are, promised to pay my tuition in full and never",
"followed through. excuse being that they don't",
"want to waste their money (having no income, of",
"course) on my sub-par education that i'm",
"apparently getting nothing from. cue shitty",
"advising appointment, lack of plan for next",
"semester, etc.",
"last week i got a letter from student finances",
"saying my bill was way overdue and that if i",
"didn't pay by the date stated, they'd either",
"refer me to a collections agency or take up a",
"case in small claims court. it was postmarked a",
"week earlier but only delivered that day, which i",
"found out to be the fault of the post office.",
"called my dad, trying not to freak out. his",
"solution was to come \"visit\" me and yell at",
"somebody in the student finances office. i was",
"not allowed to accompany him, as his",
"affairs/finances/whatever are evidently none of",
"my business.",
"did a bunch of paperwork to get financial aid",
"during finals week instead of studying for exams",
"(caviat of this being i need all passing grades",
"to receive aid). finally got processed. should be",
"coming through tomorrow. due date for payment",
"already passed. i'm fucked. called the office to",
"see if they would waive the legal action part of",
"things since i have money coming. phone cut out,",
"but not before i found out i'd be roughly $800",
"short. called back several times. finally got a",
"hold of somebody who'd said they called another",
"office and informed them of the situation and",
"told me to send an e-mail d just so they'd have",
"it in writing. waiting on response. practically",
"shitting bricks.",
"so i may or may not get a court summons sometime",
"soon. merry fucking christmas.",
"advice?",
"edit: the actual fuck-up here is that i believed",
"them when they said they'd pay it. sorry if that",
"didn't come across. my brains are rather fried",
"right now."
] |
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this anywhere on the internet, but i'm an idiot, are, promised to pay my tuition in full and never found out to be the fault of the post office. so i may or may not get a court summons sometime
|
138 | 24 | 0.93 | 138 |
i tend to get creative late at night, so tonight i remembered the can of fluorescent spray paint i still had lying around.
when i open the cap i accidentaly break the little noozle. after i examined the situation i was sure, that i could handle this and just placed the broken parts against each other and began spraying.
needles to say, how stupid this idea was. the remaining end of the nozzle got stuck in the can and now it won't stop spraying. the whole can emptied in maybe 30 seconds, so all i could do was to wrap it in a t-shirt, what didn't help very much. now everytime i turn off the lights everything starts to glow and i'm getting a headache from the fumes.
*edit: since you were asking for pictures http://imgur.com/a/egvvo i tried to take a picture in the dark, but my iphonecamera doesn't capture the weak light. however, you can see the paint on dark surfaces, so you can imagine how it looks at night.
|
i broke a can of fluorescent paint, now everything looks like a whorehouse under black light
|
covering my room in fluorescent spray paint
|
[
"i tend to get creative late at night, so tonight i",
"remembered the can of fluorescent spray paint i",
"still had lying around.",
"when i open the cap i accidentaly break the",
"little noozle. after i examined the situation i",
"was sure, that i could handle this and just",
"placed the broken parts against each other and",
"began spraying.",
"needles to say, how stupid this idea was. the",
"remaining end of the nozzle got stuck in the can",
"and now it won't stop spraying. the whole can",
"emptied in maybe 30 seconds, so all i could do",
"was to wrap it in a t-shirt, what didn't help",
"very much. now everytime i turn off the lights",
"everything starts to glow and i'm getting a",
"headache from the fumes.",
"*edit: since you were asking for pictures",
"http://imgur.com/a/egvvo i tried to take a",
"picture in the dark, but my iphonecamera doesn't",
"capture the weak light. however, you can see the",
"paint on dark surfaces, so you can imagine how it",
"looks at night."
] |
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0.5610850111736526,
0.8845427018487221
] |
remembered the can of fluorescent spray paint i looks at night.
|
106 | 11 | 0.98 | 106 |
so, i'm on a diet and ate several pickles for lunch...i thought it was a great idea at the time, hell, i love pickles and they're like, zero calories....
well, that was all well and good until my husband and i were driving home from dinner 4 hours later and i started to feel like i was going to have to go to the bathroom, soon.
now, i've had this in the past, so i just said "hun, we need to get home now, i have to go to the bathroom", he responded with "::sigh:: ok, we'll get there are soon as we can". i said, "no you don't understand, i have to go now". i directed him back onto the main road where i knew there was a burger king. i thought i was home free, i could literally see the burger king right in front of me, as we grew closer, suddenly i had this horrible feeling and then it happened...
i just started pooping....like, unstoppable soft serve poop. i instantly reached behind me and grabbed a plastic walmart bag and spread it on the seat beneath me to protect the car seat it was horrible. i was hysterical half crying/half almost laughing at the terrible circumstance i had found myself in. i yelled and cried over and over, "oh god, it just keeps happening!". needless to say, by now, my husband never stopped at bk, and sped home. we arrived and he graciously ran upstairs and brought me a towel to wrap around my waist...i took a long hot shower, and broke down in hysterical crying off and on for a good while afterward...it's been a terrible day.
edit: my husband just informed me that when i told him what was happening he threw his ice cream cone out the window. i thought this was relevant to the story, so here you are.
|
too many pickles leads to uncontrollable diarrhea. plan accordingly.
|
pooped my pants in my husbands car...
|
[
"so, i'm on a diet and ate several pickles for",
"lunch...i thought it was a great idea at the",
"time, hell, i love pickles and they're like, zero",
"calories....",
"well, that was all well and good until my husband",
"and i were driving home from dinner 4 hours later",
"and i started to feel like i was going to have to",
"go to the bathroom, soon.",
"now, i've had this in the past, so i just said",
"\"hun, we need to get home now, i have to go to",
"the bathroom\", he responded with \"::sigh:: ok,",
"we'll get there are soon as we can\". i said, \"no",
"you don't understand, i have to go now\". i",
"directed him back onto the main road where i knew",
"there was a burger king. i thought i was home",
"free, i could literally see the burger king right",
"in front of me, as we grew closer, suddenly i had",
"this horrible feeling and then it happened...",
"i just started pooping....like, unstoppable soft",
"serve poop. i instantly reached behind me and",
"grabbed a plastic walmart bag and spread it on",
"the seat beneath me to protect the car seat it",
"was horrible. i was hysterical half crying/half",
"almost laughing at the terrible circumstance i",
"had found myself in. i yelled and cried over and",
"over, \"oh god, it just keeps happening!\".",
"needless to say, by now, my husband never stopped",
"at bk, and sped home. we arrived and he",
"graciously ran upstairs and brought me a towel to",
"wrap around my waist...i took a long hot shower,",
"and broke down in hysterical crying off and on",
"for a good while afterward...it's been a terrible",
"day.",
"edit: my husband just informed me that when i",
"told him what was happening he threw his ice",
"cream cone out the window. i thought this was",
"relevant to the story, so here you are."
] |
[
0.8998996098206411,
0,
1,
0,
0,
0,
0.04602180335157106,
0.18830671951198297,
0,
0,
0,
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0.06141917592264625,
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0.060817772362087796
] |
time, hell, i love pickles and they're like, zero go to the bathroom, soon.
|
10 | 5 | 0.65 | 10 |
at around 8 a.m. this morning, i had a *great* idea. i was to fill a condom with water, as much as i could, and then transport it outside to chill in the driveway. in my sleepy and feeble mind, it sounded like a good way to kill some time rather than doing anything constructive on this miserably hot day.
**how could this possibly go wrong?**
as i giddily filled the contraceptive with water, i was amazed at how much it stretched and could hold. condoms are pretty amazing, it held at least a gallon (huehuehue). as it neared completion, it began to resemble an elephant's amniotic sac.
i was satisfied by this size and thought it would look marvelous as the new focal point of the driveway. i then began to carry it as best i could to the front door. it was wibbly wobbling all over the place, which i found sort of entertaining until...**sploosh**, right on the couch. fuck me.
later on that evening, i was taken aback when someone was cleaning the couch. oh shit. i had dried it pretty damn well, but nothing goes unnoticed. it's not like i could say anything without getting the strangest look, and they'd gone through all the trouble of getting the steam cleaner out. **i felt so bad**
poor dog was blamed for pissing on the couch. i took her for an extra long, leashless walk and had a game of fetch. feels bad.
*
|
condoms are to make love, not war.*
|
accidentally breaking a condom filled with water on the couch and having letting people believe that it was dog piss.
|
[
"at around 8 a.m. this morning, i had a *great*",
"idea. i was to fill a condom with water, as much",
"as i could, and then transport it outside to",
"chill in the driveway. in my sleepy and feeble",
"mind, it sounded like a good way to kill some",
"time rather than doing anything constructive on",
"this miserably hot day.",
"**how could this possibly go wrong?**",
"as i giddily filled the contraceptive with water,",
"i was amazed at how much it stretched and could",
"hold. condoms are pretty amazing, it held at",
"least a gallon (huehuehue). as it neared",
"completion, it began to resemble an elephant's",
"amniotic sac.",
"i was satisfied by this size and thought it would",
"look marvelous as the new focal point of the",
"driveway. i then began to carry it as best i",
"could to the front door. it was wibbly wobbling",
"all over the place, which i found sort of",
"entertaining until...**sploosh**, right on the",
"couch. fuck me.",
"later on that evening, i was taken aback when",
"someone was cleaning the couch. oh shit. i had",
"dried it pretty damn well, but nothing goes",
"unnoticed. it's not like i could say anything",
"without getting the strangest look, and they'd",
"gone through all the trouble of getting the steam",
"cleaner out. **i felt so bad**",
"poor dog was blamed for pissing on the couch. i",
"took her for an extra long, leashless walk and",
"had a game of fetch. feels bad.",
"*"
] |
[
0,
0,
0.019936856962097144,
0,
0.00908987573193022,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
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0.049016426581138216,
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0,
0.019936856962097144,
0.019936856962097144,
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0,
0,
0,
0,
0.03302481728557413,
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0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] |
hold. condoms are pretty amazing, it held at
|
237 | 16 | 0.95 | 237 |
after a drawn out period of a "no-burn" policy being in place due to dryness, it was finally lifted so we had a campfire and did some old fireworks we had in our basement (really old). my parents were over, my brother and some family friends. they were inside, and my 13 year old nephew was sitting on the front lawn. i wanted to surprise them by setting fireworks off in the back yard and have them arc over the house so they could see them from the front window. i light a rack of really thick, short fireworks (six in a rack with fuse connected to each so they go off in succession, one after the other) and angle them over the house at about 65-70 degrees, and let them rip. now, our back yard is long, but not wide, and i wanted to keep a fair distance from the house so the powder would not stink the place up. the fireworks flew out nicely, really nicely, and arced gracefully over the house. way over the house. i could not see it when i heard it explode. the next one was already lit, and the next one, so i knew there would be two more volleys i could not stop from exploding on my front lawn like it was vimy ridge. as soon as the last two detonated out of sight, i run up, and sure enough, i blew up my nephew. we took him to the hospital, his hearing was gone for a day and he said it was like seeing after you look at a welding torch. he had minor burns and was pretty bruised and scraped up. the lawn is pretty much totaled. parents pissed, brother relatively pissed. nephew said, and i quote "thats how you blew me up? thats awesome". he is not pissed.
edit: my parents cooled down a bit, once my nephew said he though it was awesome. brother is now laughing his ass off every time he looks at his kid.
|
accidentally mortared my nephew and blew holes in my lawn
|
blowing up my nephew and accidentally reenacting the battle of vimy ridge on my front lawn.
|
[
"after a drawn out period of a \"no-burn\" policy",
"being in place due to dryness, it was finally",
"lifted so we had a campfire and did some old",
"fireworks we had in our basement (really old). my",
"parents were over, my brother and some family",
"friends. they were inside, and my 13 year old",
"nephew was sitting on the front lawn. i wanted to",
"surprise them by setting fireworks off in the",
"back yard and have them arc over the house so",
"they could see them from the front window. i",
"light a rack of really thick, short fireworks",
"(six in a rack with fuse connected to each so",
"they go off in succession, one after the other)",
"and angle them over the house at about 65-70",
"degrees, and let them rip. now, our back yard is",
"long, but not wide, and i wanted to keep a fair",
"distance from the house so the powder would not",
"stink the place up. the fireworks flew out",
"nicely, really nicely, and arced gracefully over",
"the house. way over the house. i could not see it",
"when i heard it explode. the next one was already",
"lit, and the next one, so i knew there would be",
"two more volleys i could not stop from exploding",
"on my front lawn like it was vimy ridge. as soon",
"as the last two detonated out of sight, i run up,",
"and sure enough, i blew up my nephew. we took him",
"to the hospital, his hearing was gone for a day",
"and he said it was like seeing after you look at",
"a welding torch. he had minor burns and was",
"pretty bruised and scraped up. the lawn is pretty",
"much totaled. parents pissed, brother relatively",
"pissed. nephew said, and i quote \"thats how you",
"blew me up? thats awesome\". he is not pissed.",
"edit: my parents cooled down a bit, once my",
"nephew said he though it was awesome. brother is",
"now laughing his ass off every time he looks at",
"his kid."
] |
[
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0.31084568419747133,
0.06539640352614151,
0.7188213824798897,
0.3385495077586981,
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0.4704730539060791,
0.05824815949924778,
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0,
0.1700811778951808,
0.36861954364977306,
0.13131544347684135,
0.06113110854779415,
0.0025506618121658047,
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0.16042702268261091,
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0.13782049484293232,
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0.6432952170395457,
0.503774821367971,
0.3676357635861207,
0.46032020799295204,
0,
0
] |
and sure enough, i blew up my nephew. we took him
|
31 | 4 | 0.83 | 31 |
i'm a photographer for a company that mostly does little league sports. i was in a pretty poor part of town and the kids there can be little assholes. i'm taking a team picture and all of them are talking and none are looking at the camera. i get pretty pissed and sternly tell them they all need to look at the camera immediately. i take the picture and notice one kid still not looking. i thought he was just being a little prick, so i pointed at him and i said, "hey man, you aren't looking at the camera. i need you to look right at me and we'll be done, alright?" he throws his hands up with a confused/frustrated look, and about that time one of the other kids says, "he's talking about your lazy eye."
i took another picture, said "great job, guys", and left.
**
|
i singled a kid on a baseball team out because he wasn't looking at the camera. turns out he has a lazy eye.**
|
singling out a kid's disability
|
[
"i'm a photographer for a company that mostly does",
"little league sports. i was in a pretty poor",
"part of town and the kids there can be little",
"assholes. i'm taking a team picture and all of",
"them are talking and none are looking at the",
"camera. i get pretty pissed and sternly tell",
"them they all need to look at the camera",
"immediately. i take the picture and notice one",
"kid still not looking. i thought he was just",
"being a little prick, so i pointed at him and i",
"said, \"hey man, you aren't looking at the camera.",
"i need you to look right at me and we'll be",
"done, alright?\" he throws his hands up with a",
"confused/frustrated look, and about that time one",
"of the other kids says, \"he's talking about your",
"lazy eye.\"",
"i took another picture, said \"great job, guys\",",
"and left.",
"**"
] |
[
0.10763681838920791,
0.2013649953868921,
0.14599136536415294,
0.43775775108831433,
0.46604418286575494,
0.42446074420144064,
0.4485752215737432,
0.24882131357302262,
0.41761753471314483,
0.23022215076131214,
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0.25149666090482187,
0.3996282276228889,
0,
0.1429497841474579,
0.34112657657256956,
0,
0,
0
] |
kid still not looking. i thought he was just said, "hey man, you aren't looking at the camera. lazy eye."
|
119 | 9 | 0.96 | 119 |
i'll keep this one short.
being the groggy, tired idiot i am for the first 15 minutes in the morning, i immediately began going through my morning routine because i was running a tad late for work.
the routine is simple: contacts, brush teeth and fix hair. i don't spend 15 minutes on my hair, but i do make it look presentable for work. anyways, i took step one down no problem. however, when i reached step two, it hit the fan.
i applied my hair gel to my toothbrush, stuck said brush in my mouth, and proceeded to clean away.
about five seconds in, my mouth had a peachy, stinging sensation. i proceeded to vomit about 10 seconds later because of how bad it was burning/had gotten in my throat.
|
brushed teeth with hair gel on accident; vomited everywhere.
|
brushing my teeth with hair gel
|
[
"i'll keep this one short.",
"being the groggy, tired idiot i am for the first",
"15 minutes in the morning, i immediately began",
"going through my morning routine because i was",
"running a tad late for work.",
"the routine is simple: contacts, brush teeth and",
"fix hair. i don't spend 15 minutes on my hair,",
"but i do make it look presentable for work.",
"anyways, i took step one down no problem.",
"however, when i reached step two, it hit the fan.",
"i applied my hair gel to my toothbrush, stuck",
"said brush in my mouth, and proceeded to clean",
"away.",
"about five seconds in, my mouth had a peachy,",
"stinging sensation. i proceeded to vomit about 10",
"seconds later because of how bad it was",
"burning/had gotten in my throat."
] |
[
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0.46305428392560355,
0,
0,
0,
1,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] |
i applied my hair gel to my toothbrush, stuck
|
75 | 41 | 0.98 | 75 |
so i was down in the bathroom drying my hair, which takes a rather long time because my hair is pretty long. to pass the time, i turned on some music. specifically, house of wolves by my chemical romance, which is super upbeat and energetic. because the song is so great and one of my favorites, i started sort of dancing around while drying my hair.
well, the hairdryer was a regular conair. the "nose" of it is plastic, but about a half inch inside is a metal grate (don't know the proper terms). the plastic doesn't get hot, so you could put the hairdryer nose-down on your hand and not get burned.
then i was dancing around to this great song, using the hairdryer as a microphone ... when my hand slipped. i lost my grip on the hairdryer and it fell toward my exposed boobs as i wasn't wearing a shirt (didn't want my wet hair to soak my dry shirt before i went to bed). i swear it happened in slow motion.
the hairdryer came forward, nose forward, and somehow landed directly on my boob. my nipple made contact with the extremely hot metal grate and i swear i heard my flesh sizzling. i screamed and stepped back while swatting the dryer away. it smashed to the floor and the back popped open.
of course, my mother was in the house at the time and came down to see what the noise was. through tears, i managed to gasp out "i'm okay!" she was suspicious, but there's no way in hell i'm admitting what really happened.
|
fried my milk factory. read the post.**
|
scorching my nipple
|
[
"so i was down in the bathroom drying my hair,",
"which takes a rather long time because my hair is",
"pretty long. to pass the time, i turned on some",
"music. specifically, house of wolves by my",
"chemical romance, which is super upbeat and",
"energetic. because the song is so great and one",
"of my favorites, i started sort of dancing around",
"while drying my hair.",
"well, the hairdryer was a regular conair. the",
"\"nose\" of it is plastic, but about a half inch",
"inside is a metal grate (don't know the proper",
"terms). the plastic doesn't get hot, so you could",
"put the hairdryer nose-down on your hand and not",
"get burned.",
"then i was dancing around to this great song,",
"using the hairdryer as a microphone ... when my",
"hand slipped. i lost my grip on the hairdryer and",
"it fell toward my exposed boobs as i wasn't",
"wearing a shirt (didn't want my wet hair to soak",
"my dry shirt before i went to bed). i swear it",
"happened in slow motion.",
"the hairdryer came forward, nose forward, and",
"somehow landed directly on my boob. my nipple",
"made contact with the extremely hot metal grate",
"and i swear i heard my flesh sizzling. i screamed",
"and stepped back while swatting the dryer away.",
"it smashed to the floor and the back popped open.",
"of course, my mother was in the house at the time",
"and came down to see what the noise was. through",
"tears, i managed to gasp out \"i'm okay!\" she was",
"suspicious, but there's no way in hell i'm",
"admitting what really happened."
] |
[
0.7250268521229783,
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0,
0.11467261247258673,
0,
0.031153496824758355,
0.06874328533163206,
0.33554961723931265,
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0.031153496824758355,
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0.031153496824758355,
0.7250268521229783,
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using the hairdryer as a microphone ... when my
|
37 | 11 | 0.9 | 37 |
i had just finished playing lol. the past two weeks have been uncomfortably hot - i live close to the beach in a dorm room, and for some reason this room likes to retain heat, on top of my keeping my door closed (hooray for avoiding unitmates!).
so i will walk around inside my room naked or partially clothed. no big deal, i'm pretty sure a lot of people do that in their own privacy.
i was removing nail polish from my nails during the loading screen before my last game. when the game started, all my attention was on that for 45 minutes.
after the game ended (in defeat... our teemo disconnected, so 4v5), i realized the cap on the acetone bottle was open. not wanting it to spill all over my laptop, i reached for the cap to close the bottle.
i knocked over the bottle of [100% acetone nail polish remover](http://www.walmart.com/ip/onyx-professional-nail-polish-remover-maximum-strength-100-pure-acetone-16-fl-oz/11047134) and spilled it in my lap.
freaked out. spilled somewhere around ~200 ml/8 oz - half the bottle. stood up, left the room stark naked, tossing a paper towel roll at the bf. "help me clean it up. this is gonna bur-"
*and then it started burning*
i ran for the shower.
i've never had a chemical burn before, but this was excruciating.
i was in the shower for about 30 minutes with a bar of soap and very cold water. i didn't even stop take my glasses off until like, halfway through. checked for an [msds](http://www.setonresourcecenter.com/msdshazcom/htdocs//msds/retail/a/acetone%20polish%20remover.pdf) after to see if i should be getting immediate medical care or anything.
**edit: a word**
|
was playing lol naked, ironically reach to close bottle and spill it in my lap instead. contents of bottle were 100% acetone.
|
burning my genitals with 100% acetone.
|
[
"i had just finished playing lol. the past two",
"weeks have been uncomfortably hot - i live close",
"to the beach in a dorm room, and for some reason",
"this room likes to retain heat, on top of my",
"keeping my door closed (hooray for avoiding",
"unitmates!).",
"so i will walk around inside my room naked or",
"partially clothed. no big deal, i'm pretty sure a",
"lot of people do that in their own privacy.",
"i was removing nail polish from my nails during",
"the loading screen before my last game. when the",
"game started, all my attention was on that for 45",
"minutes.",
"after the game ended (in defeat... our teemo",
"disconnected, so 4v5), i realized the cap on the",
"acetone bottle was open. not wanting it to spill",
"all over my laptop, i reached for the cap to",
"close the bottle.",
"i knocked over the bottle of [100% acetone nail",
"polish",
"remover](http://www.walmart.com/ip/onyx-professio",
"nal-nail-polish-remover-maximum-strength-100-pure-",
"acetone-16-fl-oz/11047134)",
"and spilled it in my lap.",
"freaked out. spilled somewhere around ~200 ml/8",
"oz - half the bottle. stood up, left the room",
"stark naked, tossing a paper towel roll at the",
"bf. \"help me clean it up. this is gonna bur-\"",
"*and then it started burning*",
"i ran for the shower.",
"i've never had a chemical burn before, but this",
"was excruciating.",
"i was in the shower for about 30 minutes with a",
"bar of soap and very cold water. i didn't even",
"stop take my glasses off until like, halfway",
"through. checked for an",
"[msds](http://www.setonresourcecenter.com/msdshaz",
"com/htdocs//msds/retail/a/acetone%20polish%20remov",
"er.pdf)",
"after to see if i should be getting immediate",
"medical care or anything.",
"**edit: a word**"
] |
[
0.07121703751129317,
0.055986546570408885,
0.14063022801553998,
0.08480001689780002,
0.005573209401100614,
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0.05640701013090331,
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0.09611089134243173,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0.018709865107217206,
0,
0
] |
close the bottle. i knocked over the bottle of [100% acetone nail and spilled it in my lap.
|
43 | 19 | 0.89 | 43 |
so i've been to switzerland for a week, and got home yesterday, and we didn't give them much warning that we were leaving.
well, today i went out to buy some groceries, and i took my bike as i'm wont to do when i go shopping.
when on the way home, just on on the slope up towards the apartment building, i notice my neighbour from the door across the hall from me getting out of their car. here's where i mess up.
my dumb self saw it as a good idea to wave at them, since i was listening to music. on a bike. going up a slope.
i end up crashing the bike and fall flat on my face.
good news: no broken bones, my face is intact and the groceries are ok.
bad news?
well, i have a cut on my hand from trying to shield myself from the fall (neighbour supplied me with a bandaid :d), and the back wheel on my bike is fucked, as are the brakes on that wheel, so i'll have to take it to the local bike shop this week to get it fixed.
edit: words and stuff.
|
waved at my neighbour while biking, ended up with a broken bike.
|
greeting my neighbour
|
[
"so i've been to switzerland for a week, and got",
"home yesterday, and we didn't give them much",
"warning that we were leaving.",
"well, today i went out to buy some groceries, and",
"i took my bike as i'm wont to do when i go",
"shopping.",
"when on the way home, just on on the slope up",
"towards the apartment building, i notice my",
"neighbour from the door across the hall from me",
"getting out of their car. here's where i mess up.",
"my dumb self saw it as a good idea to wave at",
"them, since i was listening to music. on a bike.",
"going up a slope.",
"i end up crashing the bike and fall flat on my",
"face.",
"good news: no broken bones, my face is intact and",
"the groceries are ok.",
"bad news?",
"well, i have a cut on my hand from trying to",
"shield myself from the fall (neighbour supplied",
"me with a bandaid :d), and the back wheel on my",
"bike is fucked, as are the brakes on that wheel,",
"so i'll have to take it to the local bike shop",
"this week to get it fixed.",
"edit: words and stuff."
] |
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i end up crashing the bike and fall flat on my me with a bandaid :d), and the back wheel on my
|
8 | 3 | 0.64 | 8 |
so this isn't necessarily *today* but about 4 months ago. i was sitting down to eat lunch at school with my friend and a girl that i like. that day we had turkey and gravy over mashed potatoes for lunch. i fucking love turkey-gravy day so i was eating quickly as i usually do. although this day was different: i hadn't had breakfast that morning so i was extra hungry.
i kicked it into hoover vacuum mode and ate so quickly that the food could not get down my throat quick enough. i then coughed up a whole bunch of turkey and somehow it got lodged in my nose. then i go into a panic because i am unsure of what the hell is happening. before i can even run to the restroom or even pick up a napkin, the pepper that was on the turkey makes me sneeze a snot/turkey/mashed potato concoction all over the table, my friend, his food, and of course the girl that i really like.
|
was eating my lunch too fast, and sneezed it all over a girl i like.
|
eating too quickly
|
[
"so this isn't necessarily *today* but about 4",
"months ago. i was sitting down to eat lunch at",
"school with my friend and a girl that i like.",
"that day we had turkey and gravy over mashed",
"potatoes for lunch. i fucking love turkey-gravy",
"day so i was eating quickly as i usually do.",
"although this day was different: i hadn't had",
"breakfast that morning so i was extra hungry.",
"i kicked it into hoover vacuum mode and ate so",
"quickly that the food could not get down my",
"throat quick enough. i then coughed up a whole",
"bunch of turkey and somehow it got lodged in my",
"nose. then i go into a panic because i am unsure",
"of what the hell is happening. before i can even",
"run to the restroom or even pick up a napkin, the",
"pepper that was on the turkey makes me sneeze a",
"snot/turkey/mashed potato concoction all over the",
"table, my friend, his food, and of course the",
"girl that i really like."
] |
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school with my friend and a girl that i like. snot/turkey/mashed potato concoction all over the
|
27 | 4 | 0.89 | 27 |
strictly speaking, this happened quite some years ago, but i think this will be appreciated here.
i was out camping with some friends in virginia when i was about 16 years old. we had packed in our food, which in this case happened to be various canned things (notably, several varieties of spam). our frontal lobes being undeveloped at the time, we placed these sealed cans of spam onto the campfire and went for a walk while we waited for it to heat up. we got distracted while out and returned about an hour later, to see that our cans of food had assumed a mushroom-cloud-like shape as their boiling contents attempted to reach the outside world. in yet another feat of extremely foolish behavior, we decided it would be a fantastic idea to use a knife to put a tiny hole in the lids of the cans to let the steam vent out. i took the knife and popped a hole in the lid of the turkey spam. the resulting mess was one of the strangest sights ever seen by man.
the turkey spam had become so pressurized that it too went through the pinhole-sized exit in the can, the steam carrying its contents high into the air, streamers of turkey spam adorning the trees above us like some sort of twisted party decoration. being irresponsible teens once more, we bailed to avoid having blame pinned on us. no idea what poor soul had to clean that up, and after how many days. do animals eat spam?
|
effectively vaporized turkey and coated the surrounding trees with it.
|
decorating the trees with turkey
|
[
"strictly speaking, this happened quite some years",
"ago, but i think this will be appreciated here.",
"i was out camping with some friends in virginia",
"when i was about 16 years old. we had packed in",
"our food, which in this case happened to be",
"various canned things (notably, several varieties",
"of spam). our frontal lobes being undeveloped at",
"the time, we placed these sealed cans of spam",
"onto the campfire and went for a walk while we",
"waited for it to heat up. we got distracted while",
"out and returned about an hour later, to see that",
"our cans of food had assumed a",
"mushroom-cloud-like shape as their boiling",
"contents attempted to reach the outside world. in",
"yet another feat of extremely foolish behavior,",
"we decided it would be a fantastic idea to use a",
"knife to put a tiny hole in the lids of the cans",
"to let the steam vent out. i took the knife and",
"popped a hole in the lid of the turkey spam. the",
"resulting mess was one of the strangest sights",
"ever seen by man.",
"the turkey spam had become so pressurized that it",
"too went through the pinhole-sized exit in the",
"can, the steam carrying its contents high into",
"the air, streamers of turkey spam adorning the",
"trees above us like some sort of twisted party",
"decoration. being irresponsible teens once more,",
"we bailed to avoid having blame pinned on us. no",
"idea what poor soul had to clean that up, and",
"after how many days. do animals eat spam?"
] |
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the turkey spam had become so pressurized that it
|
13 | 8 | 0.76 | 13 |
his didn't actually happen today, this happened about a year ago. i lived in the middle of nowhere and i had only one neighbor who spoke russian so i had no communication with anyone. i'm just having an ordinary day and my parents are out at some work party thing about 50 miles away i had the whole night to myself. i look outside and notice how nice of a day it is and decide to go for a walk. after my small walk i go to open the door but soon realize that the door is locked. inside i could see my phone sitting right on the counter so i had pretty much no communication to anyone. i went to my neighbors house hoping i could use some sign language or something to explain the situation and ask if i could use their phone but of course, they weren't home. i literally sat outside my house, hoping my neighbors would arrive. at 10:00pm i thought "fuck it, lets just climb through the window." all the windows on the first floor are locked so i climb onto my roof via my porch. luckily the motion light turned on. on my roof i jumped onto my juliet balcony and tried that door and receive the same disappointing result. frustrated i opened my small window, barely enough for me to squeeze my body in. now apparently my neighbors arrived just in time to see me, in the spot light, climb into my window at 10pm. they called the cops and the police are at my house in less than 5 minutes. i was in the middle of a battlefield 3 match so they entered my room to hear gunshots and screams coming from my tv. i also had about an eighth of pot sitting right on my desk (they didn't notice, thank god). they asked me questions and asked me to please call my mom. of course my mom flipped out after hearing "hey mom...so they cops are here to talk to you" but everything got sorted out and they finally left leaving the rest of the night to myself.
|
got locked out, climbed through window, neighbors called police, almost got arrested
|
locking myself outside of the house overnight
|
[
"his didn't actually happen today, this happened",
"about a year ago. i lived in the middle of",
"nowhere and i had only one neighbor who spoke",
"russian so i had no communication with anyone.",
"i'm just having an ordinary day and my parents",
"are out at some work party thing about 50 miles",
"away i had the whole night to myself. i look",
"outside and notice how nice of a day it is and",
"decide to go for a walk. after my small walk i go",
"to open the door but soon realize that the door",
"is locked. inside i could see my phone sitting",
"right on the counter so i had pretty much no",
"communication to anyone. i went to my neighbors",
"house hoping i could use some sign language or",
"something to explain the situation and ask if i",
"could use their phone but of course, they weren't",
"home. i literally sat outside my house, hoping my",
"neighbors would arrive. at 10:00pm i thought",
"\"fuck it, lets just climb through the window.\"",
"all the windows on the first floor are locked so",
"i climb onto my roof via my porch. luckily the",
"motion light turned on. on my roof i jumped onto",
"my juliet balcony and tried that door and receive",
"the same disappointing result. frustrated i",
"opened my small window, barely enough for me to",
"squeeze my body in. now apparently my neighbors",
"arrived just in time to see me, in the spot",
"light, climb into my window at 10pm. they called",
"the cops and the police are at my house in less",
"than 5 minutes. i was in the middle of a",
"battlefield 3 match so they entered my room to",
"hear gunshots and screams coming from my tv. i",
"also had about an eighth of pot sitting right on",
"my desk (they didn't notice, thank god). they",
"asked me questions and asked me to please call my",
"mom. of course my mom flipped out after hearing",
"\"hey mom...so they cops are here to talk to you\"",
"but everything got sorted out and they finally",
"left leaving the rest of the night to myself."
] |
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"fuck it, lets just climb through the window." but everything got sorted out and they finally
|
11 | 6 | 0.76 | 11 |
so i went to a party and after about 5 hours some people were really drunk, i don't drink so i found it all hilarious and around this point someone had the brilliant idea to go the park. it had been raining so everything was slippy and i being the only fully sober one thought it would be brilliant to slide down the slide. once i started going i realised that i wasn't going fast enough so i stood up to get off and slipped fell straight on my back, after the initial smash i can't remember anything but everyone there said i jumped up with the speed of a lighting bolt ran screaming in pain for about 20 metres and collapsed on the floor in pain. the next thing i remember was lying on the floor in agony and making sure i could move my toes. everyone else found it hilarious, and now i can barely walk but walked back to the party, stayed there for another 20 minutes and went home in pain.
|
the only sober person at a party hurts themselves the most, so always drink kids
|
nearly breaking my spine
|
[
"so i went to a party and after about 5 hours some",
"people were really drunk, i don't drink so i",
"found it all hilarious and around this point",
"someone had the brilliant idea to go the park. it",
"had been raining so everything was slippy and i",
"being the only fully sober one thought it would",
"be brilliant to slide down the slide. once i",
"started going i realised that i wasn't going fast",
"enough so i stood up to get off and slipped fell",
"straight on my back, after the initial smash i",
"can't remember anything but everyone there said i",
"jumped up with the speed of a lighting bolt ran",
"screaming in pain for about 20 metres and",
"collapsed on the floor in pain. the next thing i",
"remember was lying on the floor in agony and",
"making sure i could move my toes. everyone else",
"found it hilarious, and now i can barely walk but",
"walked back to the party, stayed there for",
"another 20 minutes and went home in pain."
] |
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so i went to a party and after about 5 hours some being the only fully sober one thought it would
|
113 | 10 | 0.94 | 113 |
never really thought id end up postng here...
but today i really fucked up.
after oversleeping a couple hours, i get to work an hour half late and get straight to doing my work. my assignment today was to clean the mess from the construction (i work for a company that builds lifts in old apartments and the diamond saw makes a big ass mess).
anyway, i go to fill up my bucket of water but it doesn't seem to be running, and i notice someone had turned off the main water valve to the tap and somewhere else. i opened it and started filling up my bucket...
about half a minute later i hear shouting and two plumbers run towards me in panic.
turns out there was a water cut while they plumbers were working in an apartment, and i turned the whole buildings water on.
i had not been aware of this watercut, noone had told me, there were no warnings or signs about it. and most imporantly enough... the valve above the sink had nothing on it about it not being touched which it should have.
apparently the apartment had somewhat flooded and started leaking to the apartment below.
felt pretty shit for the rest of the day.
hopefully... the company insurance should cover the accident.
fml
|
opened a valve during a watercut, flooded someones apartment and the one below.
|
turning on a tap
|
[
"never really thought id end up postng here...",
"but today i really fucked up.",
"after oversleeping a couple hours, i get to work",
"an hour half late and get straight to doing my",
"work. my assignment today was to clean the mess",
"from the construction (i work for a company that",
"builds lifts in old apartments and the diamond",
"saw makes a big ass mess).",
"anyway, i go to fill up my bucket of water but it",
"doesn't seem to be running, and i notice someone",
"had turned off the main water valve to the tap",
"and somewhere else. i opened it and started",
"filling up my bucket...",
"about half a minute later i hear shouting and two",
"plumbers run towards me in panic.",
"turns out there was a water cut while they",
"plumbers were working in an apartment, and i",
"turned the whole buildings water on.",
"i had not been aware of this watercut, noone had",
"told me, there were no warnings or signs about",
"it. and most imporantly enough... the valve above",
"the sink had nothing on it about it not being",
"touched which it should have.",
"apparently the apartment had somewhat flooded and",
"started leaking to the apartment below.",
"felt pretty shit for the rest of the day.",
"hopefully... the company insurance should cover",
"the accident.",
"fml"
] |
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apparently the apartment had somewhat flooded and started leaking to the apartment below.
|
9 | 6 | 0.7 | 9 |
so there's this kid (i think he's like 20) who's a baptist church missionary who has stopped by my apartment a few times now while he was going around my complex inviting people to his church. he's a nice kid and he can carry a conversation, so when he's in the neighborhood i invite him in for coffee. today, i was supposed to babysit my best friend's kids, and i was expecting her to come by any minute. i had been cleaning up around the house and playing usher from my phone when someone knocked on the door right around the time the chorus started. so, expecting my friend, my dumbass self opens the door yelling "[hey daddy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pd8mxge6kek)!" aaaaaaaaaaaaand it was the church kid. his face was just... ugh. he looked so uncomfortable and i felt like a huge idiot.
|
i'm never getting invited to church again.
|
not looking through the peephole.
|
[
"so there's this kid (i think he's like 20) who's a",
"baptist church missionary who has stopped by my",
"apartment a few times now while he was going",
"around my complex inviting people to his church.",
"he's a nice kid and he can carry a conversation,",
"so when he's in the neighborhood i invite him in",
"for coffee. today, i was supposed to babysit my",
"best friend's kids, and i was expecting her to",
"come by any minute. i had been cleaning up around",
"the house and playing usher from my phone when",
"someone knocked on the door right around the time",
"the chorus started. so, expecting my friend, my",
"dumbass self opens the door yelling \"[hey",
"daddy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pd8mxge6ke",
"k)!\"",
"aaaaaaaaaaaaand it was the church kid. his face",
"was just... ugh. he looked so uncomfortable and i",
"felt like a huge idiot."
] |
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around my complex inviting people to his church.
|
11 | 0 | 0.72 | 11 |
this technically happened yesterday, but thanks to our fine healthcare system, i was in the emergency room for longer than i expected.
it's rush week for my fraternity, and tensions are high since we just chartered the last year and for our first alpha pledge class, we wanted to hit the ground running. our events were ambitious. wednesday night was "havana nights", where we roasted an entire pig that would be served to our prospective new members. the second night was filled with the hissing of deep fat fryers and liquid nitrogen going to town on various food stuffs, like twinkies, oreos, and in-n-out burgers.
i heard these events were fun. i wasn't able to fully attend either because of work and late evening classes. it really bummed me out.
friday night was chili cook-off night. three brothers went head to head to head to see which chili came out on top. since i was no longer tied down by a work shift and all my classes were cancelled that day, i readily volunteered to help with the set up. i laid out a couple tables and some propane burners, and now i was waiting for the chili to arrive.
two chili dishes came prepared and ready to go. one, however, needed to be prepared at the event, which, in retrospect, probably wasn't the best idea since the dish ended up losing anyways.
the cook who was preparing his chili there asked for assistance, so i jumped right in, trying to make up for lost time at the other events. boom. beef in the frying pan. slice and dice. jalapeños in the pot. i was feeling confident in my abilities as i grabbed some bell peppers and started chopping.
this was definitely a bad move. i guess i wasn't focused as i should have been, and what with the rush, i ended up nearly chopping off the tip of my finger. i sat there for a second before thinking, "fuck. shit. fuck." eventually my thoughts were verbalized and the brothers who were dicking around waiting for the event to actually start realized something was wrong. blood started to flow, but by this time i was standing over a trash can asking for ice and something to hold back the flow until i got a ride to the emergency room, which was a 5 minuted drive away.
what i found surprising about this whole thing was that i barely felt any pain. part of the nail went with the tip, and it was a slightly diagonal cut, but it didn't take out too much flesh.
after about a 4 hour wait, i got out of the er with ten stitches and a metal brace to keep my clumsy self from bouncing the finger around too much. everything should heal nicely, but only time will tell.
|
i inadvertently added a little secret ingredient to a friend's chili at a chili cook-off.
|
helping out at a chili cook-off
|
[
"this technically happened yesterday, but thanks to",
"our fine healthcare system, i was in the",
"emergency room for longer than i expected.",
"it's rush week for my fraternity, and tensions",
"are high since we just chartered the last year",
"and for our first alpha pledge class, we wanted",
"to hit the ground running. our events were",
"ambitious. wednesday night was \"havana nights\",",
"where we roasted an entire pig that would be",
"served to our prospective new members. the second",
"night was filled with the hissing of deep fat",
"fryers and liquid nitrogen going to town on",
"various food stuffs, like twinkies, oreos, and",
"in-n-out burgers.",
"i heard these events were fun. i wasn't able to",
"fully attend either because of work and late",
"evening classes. it really bummed me out.",
"friday night was chili cook-off night. three",
"brothers went head to head to head to see which",
"chili came out on top. since i was no longer tied",
"down by a work shift and all my classes were",
"cancelled that day, i readily volunteered to help",
"with the set up. i laid out a couple tables and",
"some propane burners, and now i was waiting for",
"the chili to arrive.",
"two chili dishes came prepared and ready to go.",
"one, however, needed to be prepared at the event,",
"which, in retrospect, probably wasn't the best",
"idea since the dish ended up losing anyways.",
"the cook who was preparing his chili there asked",
"for assistance, so i jumped right in, trying to",
"make up for lost time at the other events. boom.",
"beef in the frying pan. slice and dice. jalapeños",
"in the pot. i was feeling confident in my",
"abilities as i grabbed some bell peppers and",
"started chopping.",
"this was definitely a bad move. i guess i wasn't",
"focused as i should have been, and what with the",
"rush, i ended up nearly chopping off the tip of",
"my finger. i sat there for a second before",
"thinking, \"fuck. shit. fuck.\" eventually my",
"thoughts were verbalized and the brothers who",
"were dicking around waiting for the event to",
"actually start realized something was wrong.",
"blood started to flow, but by this time i was",
"standing over a trash can asking for ice and",
"something to hold back the flow until i got a",
"ride to the emergency room, which was a 5 minuted",
"drive away.",
"what i found surprising about this whole thing",
"was that i barely felt any pain. part of the nail",
"went with the tip, and it was a slightly diagonal",
"cut, but it didn't take out too much flesh.",
"after about a 4 hour wait, i got out of the er",
"with ten stitches and a metal brace to keep my",
"clumsy self from bouncing the finger around too",
"much. everything should heal nicely, but only",
"time will tell."
] |
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friday night was chili cook-off night. three something to hold back the flow until i got a
|
71 | 14 | 0.84 | 71 |
so i work as the weekend manager for a project hp is doing. weekends tend to be very slow so occasionally i come in a little hungover from the night before. the two agents i am in charge of are good friends of mine who go out as well, we still get our jobs done efficiently.
well today was like any other weekend morning. i get in at 8 greet everyone go to my desk and start munching on my breakfast burrito. i send some emails and give the agents some busywork. i tried catching up on some emails but i guess i drifted off to sleep for a bit because what i woke up to is priceless. i have both agents staring at me in wtf mode and all i can think is "how loud did i fart" but then the faces made complete sense. i had been having i guess a pretty good dream because they said i made a couple of pleasurable moaning noises.
i really hope they dont say anything, we laughed about it and everything but you know how people are.
|
went to work hungover, fell asleep, woke up to freaked out coworkers because i was moaning in my sleep.
|
moaning at work
|
[
"so i work as the weekend manager for a project hp",
"is doing. weekends tend to be very slow so",
"occasionally i come in a little hungover from the",
"night before. the two agents i am in charge of",
"are good friends of mine who go out as well, we",
"still get our jobs done efficiently.",
"well today was like any other weekend morning. i",
"get in at 8 greet everyone go to my desk and",
"start munching on my breakfast burrito. i send",
"some emails and give the agents some busywork. i",
"tried catching up on some emails but i guess i",
"drifted off to sleep for a bit because what i",
"woke up to is priceless. i have both agents",
"staring at me in wtf mode and all i can think is",
"\"how loud did i fart\" but then the faces made",
"complete sense. i had been having i guess a",
"pretty good dream because they said i made a",
"couple of pleasurable moaning noises.",
"i really hope they dont say anything, we laughed",
"about it and everything but you know how people",
"are."
] |
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occasionally i come in a little hungover from the drifted off to sleep for a bit because what i woke up to is priceless. i have both agents
|
1,934 | 485 | 0.94 | 1,934 |
so, this was tuesday, and not really a fuckup, but the scenario is really hilarious in the end.
so here i am, a grown ass man with a hankering for making a snow fort / igloo, cause they are fucking awesome.
this thing here was a monster, enough room for 3 people to stand, seats and stuff, but i ran out of snow from the mountain i was digging into, so i start shoveling on the snow pile next to mine (a little on the neighbors yard), and probably 30 minutes of working into that pile, literally making room in my neighbor's driveway (i figured she'd be happy i'm cleaning her driveway), 2 cops show up with the neighbor pretty much dragging them out back.
turns out, i was stealing her private property, and wanted to be compensated for stealing, her snow.
i stopped, and gave the 3 a dumbfounded look, trying to figure out if it was her cop friends of something pulling my leg, because i mean shit, i was shoveling her driveway and putting it into my sweet sweet fort, that's 100% on my yard.
turns out, they were there on official duty.
i spoke to the cops, it went down like this (she went back inside at that point, watching from the window like she "got me")
cop: sir, we have reports from this lady saying you have been taking her property and hiding it.
me: um, does snow count? cause i'm building a sweet sweet fort right here. (lead them inside my palace of awesomeness)
cop: so, your telling me when we showed up, and we seen you shoveling the snow from the edge of her driveway, you were building a fort?
me: yes
cop: did you take anything from this lady?
me: no, i ran out of snow and figured since she only dug out her driveway to fit her car exactly, i'd widen the driveway and put the snow to build up the fort.
cop: (with a huge grin) wow, that's a serious crime sir, you're telling me you were willingly shoveling out your neighbors driveway, and she didn't ask??
me: um, i guess so.
cop: ok, so clearly, she want's the snow on her lot, she claimed you were stealing her property, but didn't explain what, just that "the man is stealing form me right now", so we headed right over.
next time you should ask if it's ok to help out your neighbor by shoveling their driveway, we don't want to have to arrest your for grand theft snow.
me: hahaha, ok, i guess i'll stop using this snow, i'll go grab it from the front.
cop: she, she wants the snow back.
me: fuck off, really?
cop: yea, but we already dealt with that, just don't go near her yard without her permission, we rather not have to come down here for this again.
me: sounds good officer. and shake his hand.
i then proceed to show the second cop, who was inside talking to the wonderful neighbor i have, the epic snow fort, thinks it's pretty neat, since it's the first fort he's been able to stand in since he was a kid.
we just shook hands and went on our way.
edit: for those wanting pictures, i don't know if it'll be possible. like mentioned in the comments, it's been unseasonably warm the past few days and temperatures went 4-5 degrees above freezing, even over night. snow forts don't like warm weather. plus, i didn't think of taking pictures as i tend to make them whenever i feel like wasting an afternoon getting high making snow forts. you never know, there might be another one!
|
i stole snow from my lovely neighbor who called the cops for grand theft snow.
|
making a snow fort, and the police got involved.
|
[
"so, this was tuesday, and not really a fuckup, but",
"the scenario is really hilarious in the end.",
"so here i am, a grown ass man with a hankering",
"for making a snow fort / igloo, cause they are",
"fucking awesome.",
"this thing here was a monster, enough room for 3",
"people to stand, seats and stuff, but i ran out",
"of snow from the mountain i was digging into, so",
"i start shoveling on the snow pile next to mine",
"(a little on the neighbors yard), and probably 30",
"minutes of working into that pile, literally",
"making room in my neighbor's driveway (i figured",
"she'd be happy i'm cleaning her driveway), 2 cops",
"show up with the neighbor pretty much dragging",
"them out back.",
"turns out, i was stealing her private property,",
"and wanted to be compensated for stealing, her",
"snow.",
"i stopped, and gave the 3 a dumbfounded look,",
"trying to figure out if it was her cop friends of",
"something pulling my leg, because i mean shit, i",
"was shoveling her driveway and putting it into my",
"sweet sweet fort, that's 100% on my yard.",
"turns out, they were there on official duty.",
"i spoke to the cops, it went down like this (she",
"went back inside at that point, watching from the",
"window like she \"got me\")",
"cop: sir, we have reports from this lady saying",
"you have been taking her property and hiding it.",
"me: um, does snow count? cause i'm building a",
"sweet sweet fort right here. (lead them inside my",
"palace of awesomeness)",
"cop: so, your telling me when we showed up, and",
"we seen you shoveling the snow from the edge of",
"her driveway, you were building a fort?",
"me: yes",
"cop: did you take anything from this lady?",
"me: no, i ran out of snow and figured since she",
"only dug out her driveway to fit her car exactly,",
"i'd widen the driveway and put the snow to build",
"up the fort.",
"cop: (with a huge grin) wow, that's a serious",
"crime sir, you're telling me you were willingly",
"shoveling out your neighbors driveway, and she",
"didn't ask??",
"me: um, i guess so.",
"cop: ok, so clearly, she want's the snow on her",
"lot, she claimed you were stealing her property,",
"but didn't explain what, just that \"the man is",
"stealing form me right now\", so we headed right",
"over.",
"next time you should ask if it's ok to help out",
"your neighbor by shoveling their driveway, we",
"don't want to have to arrest your for grand theft",
"snow.",
"me: hahaha, ok, i guess i'll stop using this",
"snow, i'll go grab it from the front.",
"cop: she, she wants the snow back.",
"me: fuck off, really?",
"cop: yea, but we already dealt with that, just",
"don't go near her yard without her permission, we",
"rather not have to come down here for this again.",
"me: sounds good officer. and shake his hand.",
"i then proceed to show the second cop, who was",
"inside talking to the wonderful neighbor i have,",
"the epic snow fort, thinks it's pretty neat,",
"since it's the first fort he's been able to stand",
"in since he was a kid.",
"we just shook hands and went on our way.",
"edit: for those wanting pictures, i don't know if",
"it'll be possible. like mentioned in the",
"comments, it's been unseasonably warm the past",
"few days and temperatures went 4-5 degrees above",
"freezing, even over night. snow forts don't like",
"warm weather. plus, i didn't think of taking",
"pictures as i tend to make them whenever i feel",
"like wasting an afternoon getting high making",
"snow forts. you never know, there might be",
"another one!"
] |
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] |
of snow from the mountain i was digging into, so don't want to have to arrest your for grand theft
|
270 | 28 | 0.95 | 270 |
this happened a month or so ago.
it was about 10pm and i drove up to a taco truck to get a burrito. i lined up because there was a bunch of other people also and this guy asked to wash my windshield for money. he said that he's not going to beg for money and that he's willing to work for it. i ignored him at first, but i decided that since he seemed like a nice guy, i was going to get something for him. he was wandering around the line and i called him over to me. i asked him what he wanted. he told me and i placed the order for him.
this is the first time i've bought food for a homeless so i was kind of nervous. when his food got called out, i grabbed it, turned around hastily, handed it to him, told him to have a good night and walked to my car. he said thanks and walked away. as i was backing out of the driveway, i noticed something odd. when i handed him the food, he wasn't holding the windex spray as he was earlier. then it hit me. i gave the food to the wrong guy. i saw him still holding the windex spray waiting for the food and he looked at me. there was nothing i could do and i was too afraid to go back. i never went back there in fear of running into him again. they were both unfortunately black which doesn't make things any better.
|
i got so nervous that i gave the food to the wrong person and i'm racist.
|
trying to give food to a homeless.
|
[
"this happened a month or so ago.",
"it was about 10pm and i drove up to a taco truck",
"to get a burrito. i lined up because there was a",
"bunch of other people also and this guy asked to",
"wash my windshield for money. he said that he's",
"not going to beg for money and that he's willing",
"to work for it. i ignored him at first, but i",
"decided that since he seemed like a nice guy, i",
"was going to get something for him. he was",
"wandering around the line and i called him over",
"to me. i asked him what he wanted. he told me and",
"i placed the order for him.",
"this is the first time i've bought food for a",
"homeless so i was kind of nervous. when his food",
"got called out, i grabbed it, turned around",
"hastily, handed it to him, told him to have a",
"good night and walked to my car. he said thanks",
"and walked away. as i was backing out of the",
"driveway, i noticed something odd. when i handed",
"him the food, he wasn't holding the windex spray",
"as he was earlier. then it hit me. i gave the",
"food to the wrong guy. i saw him still holding",
"the windex spray waiting for the food and he",
"looked at me. there was nothing i could do and i",
"was too afraid to go back. i never went back",
"there in fear of running into him again. they",
"were both unfortunately black which doesn't make",
"things any better."
] |
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food to the wrong guy. i saw him still holding
|
0 | 9 | 0.47 | 0 |
i wake up, make myself a delicious egg sandwich, and leave for school. last night it was a sleety, snowy mess. my road and the adjacent road are a bit slushy still because they aren't main roads and cleared often. (i live in the middle of nowhere) i'm driving for about 30sec around 30mph (should've been going slower ik, but i'm not speeding or going the speed limit here), come down the hill around a bend, lose control, fishtail and proceed to go into the yard of a nearby house, across their driveway, and back out onto the road. i come to a stop. flip a shit.
mind you at the end of this "neighbors" long driveway there are fence posts b/c they have a fence around their yard. i drove over the corner of both sides. anywho, i then get out to check on my car. no cosmetic damage, no damage to the underside, only a small dent in the front license plate. (i mean i hate the yellow ny license plates anyways, they suck, so fuckiddy doo). i then go check out the fencing, call my mother who is up the road, and she comes down and the owner comes out and we talk for a bit. i have to go to class so i leave, and luckily my mom finishes up the talk. i come to find out before i leave that i did not knock over the fence but did run over the fence that some other person already ran over, so that makes me a feel a bit better.
between classes, studying and lab work today, the day was a bit annoying, but minor if anything compared to later...
i'm leaving campus, coming back home. i come over a hill of the road i always take home, bam! fuck you tjleggz! imma big ole stupid deer who wants fuck yo car up! that motherfucker gets slung across the road (i was going ~40 in a 45, road conditions have improved significantly since the morning, just a bit wet) and appears to be dead. i come to a stop. call my mother and flip another bigger shit. (sorry mom, i love you thanks for not getting mad at me) i drive home, luckily the car is drivable and call the insurance company. $200 deductible. yes, i'm aware i'm very fortunate in most of it but still fuck me.
oh and i have a test tomorrow i've yet to begin studying for.
|
while my day seemed to start off right, i proceeded to get into two different accidents. one this morning because of icy slush, and then later coming home from school b/c of a motherfucking deer. i also have a test tmrw that i havent studied for.
|
driving to school.
|
[
"i wake up, make myself a delicious egg sandwich,",
"and leave for school. last night it was a sleety,",
"snowy mess. my road and the adjacent road are a",
"bit slushy still because they aren't main roads",
"and cleared often. (i live in the middle of",
"nowhere) i'm driving for about 30sec around 30mph",
"(should've been going slower ik, but i'm not",
"speeding or going the speed limit here), come",
"down the hill around a bend, lose control,",
"fishtail and proceed to go into the yard of a",
"nearby house, across their driveway, and back out",
"onto the road. i come to a stop. flip a shit.",
"mind you at the end of this \"neighbors\" long",
"driveway there are fence posts b/c they have a",
"fence around their yard. i drove over the corner",
"of both sides. anywho, i then get out to check on",
"my car. no cosmetic damage, no damage to the",
"underside, only a small dent in the front license",
"plate. (i mean i hate the yellow ny license",
"plates anyways, they suck, so fuckiddy doo). i",
"then go check out the fencing, call my mother who",
"is up the road, and she comes down and the owner",
"comes out and we talk for a bit. i have to go to",
"class so i leave, and luckily my mom finishes up",
"the talk. i come to find out before i leave that",
"i did not knock over the fence but did run over",
"the fence that some other person already ran",
"over, so that makes me a feel a bit better.",
"between classes, studying and lab work today, the",
"day was a bit annoying, but minor if anything",
"compared to later...",
"i'm leaving campus, coming back home. i come over",
"a hill of the road i always take home, bam! fuck",
"you tjleggz! imma big ole stupid deer who wants",
"fuck yo car up! that motherfucker gets slung",
"across the road (i was going ~40 in a 45, road",
"conditions have improved significantly since the",
"morning, just a bit wet) and appears to be dead.",
"i come to a stop. call my mother and flip another",
"bigger shit. (sorry mom, i love you thanks for",
"not getting mad at me) i drive home, luckily the",
"car is drivable and call the insurance company.",
"$200 deductible. yes, i'm aware i'm very",
"fortunate in most of it but still fuck me.",
"oh and i have a test tomorrow i've yet to begin",
"studying for."
] |
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fishtail and proceed to go into the yard of a then go check out the fencing, call my mother who compared to later... i'm leaving campus, coming back home. i come over oh and i have a test tomorrow i've yet to begin studying for.
|
12 | 2 | 0.79 | 12 |
so i decided to make dinner about an hour ago. nothing fancy, just tomato sauce and pasta (and sausages!). so i was making the tomato sauce and set it to simmer, then went to put the pasta on.
now, my (accomodation's) kitchen has a god-awful electric cooker that takes forever to get to heat, and the extra time required to boil water means that cooking pasta is really hard to judge. my super-awesome workaround: microwave pasta! just take a big plastic bowl, put the dry pasta in, add water, and microwave on full power for 12 min. a super easy, and **quick**, way to cook bog-standard pasta!
i was also cooking sausages in a skillet, and doing a shit job of it. they were burning quite badly. soon enough, the room filled with smoke. balls, i thought. the sausages were burnt to shitty barbecue levels, i thought. so i took the sausages out of the skillet, and filled it with cold water, to quench the burning.
**the fuckup**
the sausages were fine. i hadn't put any water into the bowl of pasta. i didn't realise that there was smoke pouring out of the microwave until there was only 4 minutes left. i took the bowl out to check, which **filled** the room with burnt plastic. now my eyes started to sting, and it was difficult to breath. so i threw the bowl and the bottom-of-the-bowl-that-was-melted-onto-the-microwave-plate away, chucked the sauce into a bowl a ran out of there pretty fast, deciding to hide the rest of the evidence linking it to me at a later time, when i could breath again.
epilogue: the microwave is caked in yellow, and while my eyes don't sting anymore, my throat still kinda hurts, and did i mention that i'm a first year engineering student who is living in university accomodation? yeah. my fuck up may have effected half the floor, and i may be forced to shell out for a new microwave. at least the fire alarm didn't go off. the last thing i need is a hundred pissed of people at half eleven at night.
|
i accidently microwaved dry pasta and plastic, now throat hurts. and i smell like a chemical factory.
|
standing in a room of noxious chemicals.
|
[
"so i decided to make dinner about an hour ago.",
"nothing fancy, just tomato sauce and pasta (and",
"sausages!). so i was making the tomato sauce and",
"set it to simmer, then went to put the pasta on.",
"now, my (accomodation's) kitchen has a god-awful",
"electric cooker that takes forever to get to",
"heat, and the extra time required to boil water",
"means that cooking pasta is really hard to judge.",
"my super-awesome workaround: microwave pasta!",
"just take a big plastic bowl, put the dry pasta",
"in, add water, and microwave on full power for 12",
"min. a super easy, and **quick**, way to cook",
"bog-standard pasta!",
"i was also cooking sausages in a skillet, and",
"doing a shit job of it. they were burning quite",
"badly. soon enough, the room filled with smoke.",
"balls, i thought. the sausages were burnt to",
"shitty barbecue levels, i thought. so i took the",
"sausages out of the skillet, and filled it with",
"cold water, to quench the burning.",
"**the fuckup**",
"the sausages were fine. i hadn't put any water",
"into the bowl of pasta. i didn't realise that",
"there was smoke pouring out of the microwave",
"until there was only 4 minutes left. i took the",
"bowl out to check, which **filled** the room with",
"burnt plastic. now my eyes started to sting, and",
"it was difficult to breath. so i threw the bowl",
"and the",
"bottom-of-the-bowl-that-was-melted-onto-the-micro",
"wave-plate",
"away, chucked the sauce into a bowl a ran out of",
"there pretty fast, deciding to hide the rest of",
"the evidence linking it to me at a later time,",
"when i could breath again.",
"epilogue: the microwave is caked in yellow, and",
"while my eyes don't sting anymore, my throat",
"still kinda hurts, and did i mention that i'm a",
"first year engineering student who is living in",
"university accomodation? yeah. my fuck up may",
"have effected half the floor, and i may be forced",
"to shell out for a new microwave. at least the",
"fire alarm didn't go off. the last thing i need",
"is a hundred pissed of people at half eleven at",
"night."
] |
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just take a big plastic bowl, put the dry pasta burnt plastic. now my eyes started to sting, and still kinda hurts, and did i mention that i'm a
|
53 | 10 | 0.93 | 53 |
this isn't the most interesting story, nothing exploded into a crowd of children and nobody shat their pants (that i'm aware of) but i fucked up pretty badly nonetheless. some back story, i work in a biology lab at my university and my main job is to set up labs, wash beakers, and sometimes help professors with their research if they're desperate. it was made very clear to me that i cannot touch the big fancy equipment. never. never ever. it's understood any piece of machinery that is bigger than i am needs someone who actually knows what they're doing to operate it. the main no-no machine is the autoclave, it's pretty much a big sterilization chamber. there's this big bank vault type door that spins open to a metal cavern that you put your glassware or liquids into and it heats them up to extreme temperatures. the idea is that any bacteria living in or on the stuff inside will have an ugly and painful death and the liquid that was being sterilized will come out clean and ready for experiments. from what i understand, it's probably worth 30k and is the most used machine in the bio department.
anyway, there's this huge sign on the autoclave that says "do not touch autoclave, ask mr. xxxx (my boss) to assist" but lately i've been helping a professor do research and part of it is sterilizing deionized water in the autoclave. no big deal, the professor gave me a brief lesson in operating this thing and it's been going well so far. but a few days ago i was putting the water into the machine and i sort of forgot which button to push so i took an educated guess and pushed the one that i thought was the button for the right cycle. for some reason my stupid head told me that it was supposed to heat up to full temperature before i put my stuff in there which makes no sense because opening a chamber filled with 250 degree f steam is a good way to get your face melted off. anyway, the machine told me that it was starting the sterilization cycle and my water (which i didn’t put in yet because i’m an idiot) would be done in 20 minutes. i realized i goofed and instead of waiting 20 minutes for the autoclave to run a full cycle i stopped it mid cycle and tried to pry open the door to sneak the water in there before it got too hot. as i was muscling the door open i heard an awful snap from within the machine and a high pitched “eeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaeeeeerrrrrraraaaarrrrrreeeeeeeeeeerrraaaaaaa” sound from the alarm system that it has. my boss ran from his office and looked at me standing next to machine that’s flipping its shit and asked in this horrible quiet voice “stones_at_the_stars. what did you do.” and i just squeaked. after he managed to shut down the alarm he poked around at the machine itself and it turns out that if you try to open this machine mid cycle it’ll decide life is not worth living and flood. we have to call a guy from the company that makes the machine to drive out and fix it. nobody can sterilize anything so pretty much all the research going on in the university is on a hiatus.
i have a permaban from the autoclave.
|
i’m a dumbass and forced one of the most important machines in my lab to shit itself.
|
flooding one of the most expensive pieces of machinery in my lab
|
[
"this isn't the most interesting story, nothing",
"exploded into a crowd of children and nobody shat",
"their pants (that i'm aware of) but i fucked up",
"pretty badly nonetheless. some back story, i work",
"in a biology lab at my university and my main job",
"is to set up labs, wash beakers, and sometimes",
"help professors with their research if they're",
"desperate. it was made very clear to me that i",
"cannot touch the big fancy equipment. never.",
"never ever. it's understood any piece of",
"machinery that is bigger than i am needs someone",
"who actually knows what they're doing to operate",
"it. the main no-no machine is the autoclave, it's",
"pretty much a big sterilization chamber. there's",
"this big bank vault type door that spins open to",
"a metal cavern that you put your glassware or",
"liquids into and it heats them up to extreme",
"temperatures. the idea is that any bacteria",
"living in or on the stuff inside will have an",
"ugly and painful death and the liquid that was",
"being sterilized will come out clean and ready",
"for experiments. from what i understand, it's",
"probably worth 30k and is the most used machine",
"in the bio department.",
"anyway, there's this huge sign on the autoclave",
"that says \"do not touch autoclave, ask mr. xxxx",
"(my boss) to assist\" but lately i've been helping",
"a professor do research and part of it is",
"sterilizing deionized water in the autoclave. no",
"big deal, the professor gave me a brief lesson in",
"operating this thing and it's been going well so",
"far. but a few days ago i was putting the water",
"into the machine and i sort of forgot which",
"button to push so i took an educated guess and",
"pushed the one that i thought was the button for",
"the right cycle. for some reason my stupid head",
"told me that it was supposed to heat up to full",
"temperature before i put my stuff in there which",
"makes no sense because opening a chamber filled",
"with 250 degree f steam is a good way to get your",
"face melted off. anyway, the machine told me that",
"it was starting the sterilization cycle and my",
"water (which i didn’t put in yet because i’m an",
"idiot) would be done in 20 minutes. i realized i",
"goofed and instead of waiting 20 minutes for the",
"autoclave to run a full cycle i stopped it mid",
"cycle and tried to pry open the door to sneak the",
"water in there before it got too hot. as i was",
"muscling the door open i heard an awful snap from",
"within the machine and a high pitched",
"“eeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaeeeeerrrrrraraaaarrrrrreeeee",
"eeeeeerrraaaaaaa”",
"sound from the alarm system that it has. my boss",
"ran from his office and looked at me standing",
"next to machine that’s flipping its shit and",
"asked in this horrible quiet voice",
"“stones_at_the_stars. what did you do.” and i",
"just squeaked. after he managed to shut down the",
"alarm he poked around at the machine itself and",
"it turns out that if you try to open this machine",
"mid cycle it’ll decide life is not worth living",
"and flood. we have to call a guy from the company",
"that makes the machine to drive out and fix it.",
"nobody can sterilize anything so pretty much all",
"the research going on in the university is on a",
"hiatus.",
"i have a permaban from the autoclave."
] |
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this isn't the most interesting story, nothing in a biology lab at my university and my main job
|
59 | 46 | 0.86 | 59 |
wasn't today, but it is a fuck up story nonetheless.
so i was 18 and home alone for the first time in the long time - at least, the first time i knew no one was going to come home for a few days. i had always used pads for me period, since my first time trying to get a tampon in ended with me in tears as i didn't really know what to do. i figured, that was in the past, and it was a new day. time to try sticking stuff up in my hooha.
it was a tense moment getting it in, but somehow i managed, and actually got it in all the way - dudes, it's a lot harder than you think. put pants back on, and then went along with my day. it worked fairly well, and after 7 hours, i figured i should change it, since that's what the instructions say. i left the dog i was babysitting in our entryway (the only place inside he was allowed), and went to do my business.
this is where it got difficult. it says to take a tampon out, you just need to pull the string. no big deal, right? well, it wasn't working. pulling on it hurt. a lot. slightly nervous, i figured maybe i could dig it out and inch it along. it gets about halfway out before the pain gets to be unbearable. i couldn't figure it out - it was fine going in! felt around, turns out my hymen basically had a hole on either side. the string managed to get tied around it, so i had to maneuver the tampon *back* in, and then pull it out through the correct hole, and untie the string.
by then, i was more than slightly freaked out, and it was really starting to hurt, and there was blood all over my hand from the goddamn moving process, and when it was good i just yanked it out, which of course resulted in blood spatter everywhere. the toilet and surrounding areas were covered, and of course, so were my clothes. i threw a pad on my underwear, hobbled to my room with a towel around my waist, and got a change of clothes. cleaned up the bathroom, took some advil, washed my hands, and decided good riddance to bad rubbish.
of course, the entryway by then had about 6 piles of poop even though the dog had been outside for like 3 goddamn hours before the 10 minutes he was alone inside. had to spend an hour cleaning it up and getting the smell out, and by then i had to go to bed. haven't tried tampons since.
|
tried to use a tampon, blood and shit everywhere.
|
trying to use a tampon.
|
[
"wasn't today, but it is a fuck up story",
"nonetheless.",
"so i was 18 and home alone for the first time in",
"the long time - at least, the first time i knew",
"no one was going to come home for a few days. i",
"had always used pads for me period, since my",
"first time trying to get a tampon in ended with",
"me in tears as i didn't really know what to do.",
"i figured, that was in the past, and it was a new",
"day. time to try sticking stuff up in my hooha.",
"it was a tense moment getting it in, but somehow",
"i managed, and actually got it in all the way -",
"dudes, it's a lot harder than you think. put",
"pants back on, and then went along with my day.",
"it worked fairly well, and after 7 hours, i",
"figured i should change it, since that's what the",
"instructions say. i left the dog i was",
"babysitting in our entryway (the only place",
"inside he was allowed), and went to do my",
"business.",
"this is where it got difficult. it says to take",
"a tampon out, you just need to pull the string.",
"no big deal, right? well, it wasn't working.",
"pulling on it hurt. a lot. slightly nervous, i",
"figured maybe i could dig it out and inch it",
"along. it gets about halfway out before the pain",
"gets to be unbearable. i couldn't figure it out",
"- it was fine going in! felt around, turns out",
"my hymen basically had a hole on either side.",
"the string managed to get tied around it, so i",
"had to maneuver the tampon *back* in, and then",
"pull it out through the correct hole, and untie",
"the string.",
"by then, i was more than slightly freaked out,",
"and it was really starting to hurt, and there was",
"blood all over my hand from the goddamn moving",
"process, and when it was good i just yanked it",
"out, which of course resulted in blood spatter",
"everywhere. the toilet and surrounding areas",
"were covered, and of course, so were my clothes.",
"i threw a pad on my underwear, hobbled to my room",
"with a towel around my waist, and got a change of",
"clothes. cleaned up the bathroom, took some",
"advil, washed my hands, and decided good riddance",
"to bad rubbish.",
"of course, the entryway by then had about 6 piles",
"of poop even though the dog had been outside for",
"like 3 goddamn hours before the 10 minutes he was",
"alone inside. had to spend an hour cleaning it",
"up and getting the smell out, and by then i had",
"to go to bed. haven't tried tampons since."
] |
[
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] |
first time trying to get a tampon in ended with
|
9 | 7 | 0.62 | 9 |
last night technically, but it was around midnight so whatever. also, only a minor fuck up but still.
i'm involved with some clubs on campus and have made friends, which is a large achievement in my book (i generally dislike social contact).
well, one of my friends announced on his facebook the other day that he'll be having a party today, sunday, in the afternoon. he sends me a message around midnight, saying that i'm invited.
well, i have an always-on desktop. facebook is almost always on/showing as available because of that. but i had gone to sleep about an hour before he messaged me. i haven't done anything sociable all summer, nor have i really been involved in social activities outside of club things (we volunteer at the local astronomy center and do astronomy stuff in the community). so i may have missed my only chance to be sociable for a while to come.
|
slept through my only social opportunity for a while
|
falling asleep
|
[
"last night technically, but it was around midnight",
"so whatever. also, only a minor fuck up but",
"still.",
"i'm involved with some clubs on campus and have",
"made friends, which is a large achievement in my",
"book (i generally dislike social contact).",
"well, one of my friends announced on his facebook",
"the other day that he'll be having a party today,",
"sunday, in the afternoon. he sends me a message",
"around midnight, saying that i'm invited.",
"well, i have an always-on desktop. facebook is",
"almost always on/showing as available because of",
"that. but i had gone to sleep about an hour",
"before he messaged me. i haven't done anything",
"sociable all summer, nor have i really been",
"involved in social activities outside of club",
"things (we volunteer at the local astronomy",
"center and do astronomy stuff in the community).",
"so i may have missed my only chance to be",
"sociable for a while to come."
] |
[
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0.21582755843640364,
0,
0,
0.28121115248970335,
1
] |
sociable for a while to come.
|
323 | 28 | 0.89 | 323 |
my gf decided to come visit me (1 hr drive) after getting her **brand new car** less than a month ago.
we hang out and drive around town, and then we realize that she is out of gas.
at the gas station, she has trouble backing up into a vacant spot by the pump.
being the macho man that i am, i offer to do it for her, and jump in the drivers seat while she stands by the car.
i then proceed to somehow slam the fucking accelerator, backing up into a trashcan and then into the concrete partition, creating a quarter sized hole in the center of the metallic gash, complete with yellow paint from the partition as a finisher.
gf looks in horror as i begin to shit my pants.
**update**:
it was a honda civic, so it wasn't like some luxury vehicle but nevertheless it was brand new.
initially it got complicated because the insurance company can't cover accidents that her asswipe boyfriend caused. she ended up telling her parents that she had a small accident, and left the marks on the car without fixing it to save money. after literally hours of profusely apologizing and offering to pay for the damages, my gf forgave me and to this day insists i don't have to pay for it. doesnt matter though, i still feel like a jackass lol.
|
: gf visits in brand new car, i fucked up by crashing it into concrete.
|
crashing my gf's car
|
[
"my gf decided to come visit me (1 hr drive) after",
"getting her **brand new car** less than a month",
"ago.",
"we hang out and drive around town, and then we",
"realize that she is out of gas.",
"at the gas station, she has trouble backing up",
"into a vacant spot by the pump.",
"being the macho man that i am, i offer to do it",
"for her, and jump in the drivers seat while she",
"stands by the car.",
"i then proceed to somehow slam the fucking",
"accelerator, backing up into a trashcan and then",
"into the concrete partition, creating a quarter",
"sized hole in the center of the metallic gash,",
"complete with yellow paint from the partition as",
"a finisher.",
"gf looks in horror as i begin to shit my pants.",
"**update**:",
"it was a honda civic, so it wasn't like some",
"luxury vehicle but nevertheless it was brand new.",
"initially it got complicated because the",
"insurance company can't cover accidents that her",
"asswipe boyfriend caused. she ended up telling",
"her parents that she had a small accident, and",
"left the marks on the car without fixing it to",
"save money. after literally hours of profusely",
"apologizing and offering to pay for the damages,",
"my gf forgave me and to this day insists i don't",
"have to pay for it. doesnt matter though, i still",
"feel like a jackass lol."
] |
[
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] |
getting her **brand new car** less than a month into a vacant spot by the pump.
|
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