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306 | 39 | 0.92 | 306 |
this is a psa, for all of you who think dancing with no dick restriction is a good idea.
so i was just finished banging my lovely lady friend. we haven't gotten to do it in a while as she was on a vacation with her family for a wedding, so when she got back after almost 2 weeks we had some fun. i was so enthusiastic and happy that after i was done, i got up out if bed and decided to use my still semi-erect penis as a tool of entertainment to express my joy. i helicoptered like i have never helicoptered before and as my girlfriend giggled i began to lose the erection, but i guess because if the motion, it stayed heavy and long enough to have some serious momentum. well she said something that made me lose rhythm and i swung down when i should've swung right and my meat club smashed into my low dangling fuzzy peaches, which were were swinging forward. i collapsed on the ground naked and held my funny bits cringing on the floor as my lady had the longest laugh of her life.
so yes, til you can hit yourself in the balls with your dick, and it fucking hurts.
|
i danced too hard and smashed my fun pouch with my disco stick.
|
helicopter dicking too hard
|
[
"this is a psa, for all of you who think dancing",
"with no dick restriction is a good idea.",
"so i was just finished banging my lovely lady",
"friend. we haven't gotten to do it in a while as",
"she was on a vacation with her family for a",
"wedding, so when she got back after almost 2",
"weeks we had some fun. i was so enthusiastic and",
"happy that after i was done, i got up out if bed",
"and decided to use my still semi-erect penis as a",
"tool of entertainment to express my joy. i",
"helicoptered like i have never helicoptered",
"before and as my girlfriend giggled i began to",
"lose the erection, but i guess because if the",
"motion, it stayed heavy and long enough to have",
"some serious momentum. well she said something",
"that made me lose rhythm and i swung down when i",
"should've swung right and my meat club smashed",
"into my low dangling fuzzy peaches, which were",
"were swinging forward. i collapsed on the ground",
"naked and held my funny bits cringing on the",
"floor as my lady had the longest laugh of her",
"life.",
"so yes, til you can hit yourself in the balls",
"with your dick, and it fucking hurts."
] |
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weeks we had some fun. i was so enthusiastic and should've swung right and my meat club smashed
|
3 | 4 | 0.64 | 3 |
about 2 years ago, i had been introduced to alcohol for the first time. i had a few good experiences with it, so i figured i could step it up a notch and go to a party. keep in mind, i haven't found my limits for alcohol yet. we made it to the party, and since i didn't know anyone, i immediately started downing beers. about an hour goes by and more people show up, and these people have vodka. as soon as i see the vodka i realize that i am sick of beer, so i go get a couple of shots.(i say a couple because i have no idea how many i actually took)
this is when the part that gets a little hazy. i'm obliterated, slurring my words and stumbling around, having a great time. i go and sit next to the fire (i don't remember where the fire came from), and start talking to the people sitting next to it.
i've blacked out, for the first time in my life.
the next thing i remember, i'm awake on the couch in the party host's house, feeling like complete shit. i stand up, feeling a wetness on the back of my jeans and the smell of putrid vomit wafting up to my nostrils. the only thought running through my head is that someone threw up all over me, because somehow, the puke was only on the back side of my pants. i wake my friend up and tell him we have to go, so we go back to his house so i can sleep off the hangover from hell. we get a call a few hours later from none other than the girl whose house the party was at. she proceeded to tell my friend and i that i went to the bathroom to throw up and apparently i had missed and just puked all over the ground, and i'm guessing i just couldn't kneel anymore and just sat down on the ground, which explained why my pants were only wet on the back. i felt really bad about just leaving after i threw up everywhere, so i went back and helped clean it all up, which was the most painfully awkward and embarrassing experience of my life, not to mention i was hung over beyond belief.
|
: i drank to way too much and threw up everywhere without realizing it.
|
blacking out and vomiting everywhere
|
[
"about 2 years ago, i had been introduced to",
"alcohol for the first time. i had a few good",
"experiences with it, so i figured i could step it",
"up a notch and go to a party. keep in mind, i",
"haven't found my limits for alcohol yet. we made",
"it to the party, and since i didn't know anyone,",
"i immediately started downing beers. about an",
"hour goes by and more people show up, and these",
"people have vodka. as soon as i see the vodka i",
"realize that i am sick of beer, so i go get a",
"couple of shots.(i say a couple because i have no",
"idea how many i actually took)",
"this is when the part that gets a little hazy.",
"i'm obliterated, slurring my words and stumbling",
"around, having a great time. i go and sit next to",
"the fire (i don't remember where the fire came",
"from), and start talking to the people sitting",
"next to it.",
"i've blacked out, for the first time in my life.",
"the next thing i remember, i'm awake on the couch",
"in the party host's house, feeling like complete",
"shit. i stand up, feeling a wetness on the back",
"of my jeans and the smell of putrid vomit wafting",
"up to my nostrils. the only thought running",
"through my head is that someone threw up all over",
"me, because somehow, the puke was only on the",
"back side of my pants. i wake my friend up and",
"tell him we have to go, so we go back to his",
"house so i can sleep off the hangover from hell.",
"we get a call a few hours later from none other",
"than the girl whose house the party was at. she",
"proceeded to tell my friend and i that i went to",
"the bathroom to throw up and apparently i had",
"missed and just puked all over the ground, and",
"i'm guessing i just couldn't kneel anymore and",
"just sat down on the ground, which explained why",
"my pants were only wet on the back. i felt really",
"bad about just leaving after i threw up",
"everywhere, so i went back and helped clean it",
"all up, which was the most painfully awkward and",
"embarrassing experience of my life, not to",
"mention i was hung over beyond belief."
] |
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next to it. bad about just leaving after i threw up
|
13 | 5 | 0.76 | 13 |
i always carry my gun with me in my car and then bring it inside when i get home from work or wherever. this morning i was in a rush and was operating on 4 hours sleep. so i had my hands full and just threw my gun on the passenger seat when i got in, next to my computer back pack. i pull up to the drive thru window at my local mcdonalds and realize it's just in plain sight. didn't want to scare the lady at the window so i threw it in my bag real fast.
then i drive 30 min to work and forget it's there and don't put it in the usual spot in the car. i take the bag into work and it just sits there all day long (12 hour shift) and i go in and out of my bag for my laptop all day without realizing it's there.
get home and reach back to grab the gun to bring it inside. not there. freak the fuck out and try to retrace my steps and what the fuck happened. tear the room apart, open safe, clean out car, check all the places i was last night in the house, pull apart the bed, check under it. all the places i knew i didn't even go, but just in case.
about to call the cops and report it and decide to open the bag as i forgot about the whole hiding it thing this am. open it up and it's just sitting there. could have gotten fired and arrested at work, still probably would get fired if work found out.
yes, i know i'm a complete asshole and should probably get rid of the gun cause i'm an idiot.
|
forgot my gun in my bag, brought it into work, freaked when i couldn't find it when i got home.
|
misplacing my handgun.
|
[
"i always carry my gun with me in my car and then",
"bring it inside when i get home from work or",
"wherever. this morning i was in a rush and was",
"operating on 4 hours sleep. so i had my hands",
"full and just threw my gun on the passenger seat",
"when i got in, next to my computer back pack. i",
"pull up to the drive thru window at my local",
"mcdonalds and realize it's just in plain sight.",
"didn't want to scare the lady at the window so i",
"threw it in my bag real fast.",
"then i drive 30 min to work and forget it's there",
"and don't put it in the usual spot in the car. i",
"take the bag into work and it just sits there all",
"day long (12 hour shift) and i go in and out of",
"my bag for my laptop all day without realizing",
"it's there.",
"get home and reach back to grab the gun to bring",
"it inside. not there. freak the fuck out and try",
"to retrace my steps and what the fuck happened.",
"tear the room apart, open safe, clean out car,",
"check all the places i was last night in the",
"house, pull apart the bed, check under it. all",
"the places i knew i didn't even go, but just in",
"case.",
"about to call the cops and report it and decide",
"to open the bag as i forgot about the whole",
"hiding it thing this am. open it up and it's just",
"sitting there. could have gotten fired and",
"arrested at work, still probably would get fired",
"if work found out.",
"yes, i know i'm a complete asshole and should",
"probably get rid of the gun cause i'm an idiot."
] |
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when i got in, next to my computer back pack. i threw it in my bag real fast.
|
75 | 10 | 0.93 | 75 |
i live in a basement apartment, so creepy crawlies are something that i just have to deal with sometimes. i'm cool with all of them.. except house centipedes. seriously.. fuck those guys.
anyway, i was in the shower minding my own business, having a shower beer and thinking about life, when i looked down and there was this **massive** centipede in the tub losing it's mind. it ran over my foot, which made me try to jump out of the way and get it off. this would have been fine if i had just let go of my beer and grabbed onto something for balance. instead, i tried to stop my beer from spilling, which meant i had nothing to grab when i slipped on the obviously slippery tub, and came crashing down on my knee. the little bastard then scurried up the shower curtain and somewhere into my apartment, where he now lives in victory knowing that he kicked a human's ass.
so, here i am, sitting with ice on my knee, thinking about how an insect outsmarted me.
oh, and the beer totally spilled when i fell.
|
got ambushed by a house centipede, tried to save my beer instead of myself and ended up fucking up both.**
|
trying to save my shower beer.
|
[
"i live in a basement apartment, so creepy crawlies",
"are something that i just have to deal with",
"sometimes. i'm cool with all of them.. except",
"house centipedes. seriously.. fuck those guys.",
"anyway, i was in the shower minding my own",
"business, having a shower beer and thinking about",
"life, when i looked down and there was this",
"**massive** centipede in the tub losing it's",
"mind. it ran over my foot, which made me try to",
"jump out of the way and get it off. this would",
"have been fine if i had just let go of my beer",
"and grabbed onto something for balance. instead,",
"i tried to stop my beer from spilling, which",
"meant i had nothing to grab when i slipped on the",
"obviously slippery tub, and came crashing down on",
"my knee. the little bastard then scurried up the",
"shower curtain and somewhere into my apartment,",
"where he now lives in victory knowing that he",
"kicked a human's ass.",
"so, here i am, sitting with ice on my knee,",
"thinking about how an insect outsmarted me.",
"oh, and the beer totally spilled when i fell."
] |
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and grabbed onto something for balance. instead, i tried to stop my beer from spilling, which kicked a human's ass.
|
0 | 5 | 0.35 | 0 |
so to preface this, i've never had a one night stand before, and i'm not the type to do so, and after this never again.
so to the fuck up. i recently got out of a long relationship and have been avoiding going out and getting drunk, but today my course mate convinced me to go to his house party, coincidentally my best friend asks if i'm up to much that night, so i invite him along, he's a friend from home so i told him he could crash at mine on my sofa. so at this party i start getting along with this girl and she seems cool and it's obvious where it's leading. in my intoxicated state i thought it would be a good step towards getting over my ex. in doing so i may have slightly neglected my best friend who only knew me at the party, that's the first part of the fuck up.
fast forward to the end of the night and i've slept with the girl, now as i'm sobering up i'm realising several things, 1-i was and am still not anywhere near ready to sleep with anyone after the break up, and 2- i can't sleep in my single bed with her in it. just can't. so here i am sitting on my bedroom floor at 6:45am considering how pissed my best friend is going to be for not hanging out with him much after he made the effort to come see me. oh and how am i going to let this nice girl down without coming across as an arrogant dick who just wanted sex?
|
got drunk, left my best friend high and dry to persue a girl and now regrett sleeping with her because i haven't moved on from my ex yet and really hating myself.
|
having a one night stand
|
[
"so to preface this, i've never had a one night",
"stand before, and i'm not the type to do so, and",
"after this never again.",
"so to the fuck up. i recently got out of a long",
"relationship and have been avoiding going out and",
"getting drunk, but today my course mate convinced",
"me to go to his house party, coincidentally my",
"best friend asks if i'm up to much that night, so",
"i invite him along, he's a friend from home so i",
"told him he could crash at mine on my sofa. so at",
"this party i start getting along with this girl",
"and she seems cool and it's obvious where it's",
"leading. in my intoxicated state i thought it",
"would be a good step towards getting over my ex.",
"in doing so i may have slightly neglected my best",
"friend who only knew me at the party, that's the",
"first part of the fuck up.",
"fast forward to the end of the night and i've",
"slept with the girl, now as i'm sobering up i'm",
"realising several things, 1-i was and am still",
"not anywhere near ready to sleep with anyone",
"after the break up, and 2- i can't sleep in my",
"single bed with her in it. just can't. so here i",
"am sitting on my bedroom floor at 6:45am",
"considering how pissed my best friend is going to",
"be for not hanging out with him much after he",
"made the effort to come see me. oh and how am i",
"going to let this nice girl down without coming",
"across as an arrogant dick who just wanted sex?"
] |
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would be a good step towards getting over my ex. slept with the girl, now as i'm sobering up i'm single bed with her in it. just can't. so here i considering how pissed my best friend is going to
|
20 | 2 | 0.95 | 20 |
i got a rejection letter while at work from from an outstanding graduate school in my hometown that i would have loved to go to. during my upset (pretty much crying) state i told one of my apparently loudmouth and untrustworthy coworkers what had happened, in confidence. turns out that my boss has major hookups at that school, and he was going to speak to the dean about rescinding the letter. now that the whole office is about to know that i got rejected, he can't work his magic because if he does everyone will know about the kind of pull that he has at the school. i currently have no acceptances to any schools; this uncertainty is the worst feeling ever.
|
lost all chances of getting hooked up at a great school by telling my coworker about my rejection letter.
|
talking to my coworker
|
[
"i got a rejection letter while at work from from",
"an outstanding graduate school in my hometown",
"that i would have loved to go to. during my upset",
"(pretty much crying) state i told one of my",
"apparently loudmouth and untrustworthy coworkers",
"what had happened, in confidence. turns out that",
"my boss has major hookups at that school, and he",
"was going to speak to the dean about rescinding",
"the letter. now that the whole office is about to",
"know that i got rejected, he can't work his magic",
"because if he does everyone will know about the",
"kind of pull that he has at the school. i",
"currently have no acceptances to any schools;",
"this uncertainty is the worst feeling ever."
] |
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i got a rejection letter while at work from from an outstanding graduate school in my hometown
|
13 | 4 | 0.7 | 13 |
so i haven't been sleeping well this week, which means my caffeine input is higher than normal. as will happen, my lower intestine wasn't as enthused about this as pepsi stock holders were. today, i paid for my caffeine addled hubris. realizing the murder scene likely waiting beneath my pale thighs, i opted for a courtesy flush. for my dog toby's sake. this is where things go wrong.
as i flush, i realize that it sounds a bit different. as i'm trying break down exactly what could cause that, the back of my neck breaks out in what i assume to be a cold sweat. realizing i'm not that out of shape, i decided that there must be an alternative answer. it seems that the tiny hose that controls the water flow for my tank had broken loose. this change in engineering had let loose a torrent of water out of the side.
knowing this isn't a sustainable development in my bathroom logistics, i spring into action.
unfortunately for my story, springing into action is less dramatic than expected and consists solely of removing the tank's lid. fortunately for my story, without a lid constraining the water, it was free to live out it's dreams. unfortunately for me, that dream was to spray me in the face with the force and accuracy unrivaled by anything outside of back alley films from thailand. my poop had become a shower, and i was worse off for it.
|
thought i was going to take a poop-got blasted in the face by toilet water.
|
trying to take a shit
|
[
"so i haven't been sleeping well this week, which",
"means my caffeine input is higher than normal. as",
"will happen, my lower intestine wasn't as",
"enthused about this as pepsi stock holders were.",
"today, i paid for my caffeine addled hubris.",
"realizing the murder scene likely waiting beneath",
"my pale thighs, i opted for a courtesy flush. for",
"my dog toby's sake. this is where things go",
"wrong.",
"as i flush, i realize that it sounds a bit",
"different. as i'm trying break down exactly what",
"could cause that, the back of my neck breaks out",
"in what i assume to be a cold sweat. realizing",
"i'm not that out of shape, i decided that there",
"must be an alternative answer. it seems that the",
"tiny hose that controls the water flow for my",
"tank had broken loose. this change in engineering",
"had let loose a torrent of water out of the side.",
"knowing this isn't a sustainable development in",
"my bathroom logistics, i spring into action.",
"unfortunately for my story, springing into action",
"is less dramatic than expected and consists",
"solely of removing the tank's lid. fortunately",
"for my story, without a lid constraining the",
"water, it was free to live out it's dreams.",
"unfortunately for me, that dream was to spray me",
"in the face with the force and accuracy unrivaled",
"by anything outside of back alley films from",
"thailand. my poop had become a shower, and i was",
"worse off for it."
] |
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in the face with the force and accuracy unrivaled thailand. my poop had become a shower, and i was
|
18 | 17 | 0.77 | 18 |
this happened about a month ago, but it took me some time to get over the shame.
anyway, it was about 22pm on a saturday night and i felt like i had to take a shit. i, however, didn't feel for it and decided that i could take a morning shit instead.
i brushed my teeth & laid down beside my girlfriend. for once i was the little spoon, which i enjoyed quite well.
anyway, halfway through the night, i woke up & felt that something wasn't quite right, too tired to care, i slept in again though. after about 2 more of these small "half-asleep-wakeups" i wanted to scratch my asshole, which resulted in some cold goo being pressed closer to my butthole.
at this point i excused myself to my girlfriend and went to the bathroom, there i examined the pile of shit that had accumulated in my underwear. it wasn't that large, more like a breaking stretch actually. but more was to come, i took a piece of toilet paper and examined my butthole. there i found a piece of shit. i tried to pull it out from between my cheeks, but it was stuck hard in my crackbeard.
after some painfull pulling, i pulled the half-dried piece of shit out from between my buttcheeks with a fair bit of my crackbeard still attached, ouch. i cleaned myself the best i could and went back to my room where my girlfriend laughed her ass of when i told her. ashamed as i was i went back to sleep and didn't think much of it until 4 days later, when i shit myself in my sleep, again..
the difference this time was though, that i immediately recognized that i shat myself, and went to the bathroom at once. because i was so smart to do so, the shit hadn't dried, and i could clean it with toilet paper and a shower. (if requested, i have pics of my shitty underwear)
when i came back to my room, my girlfriend laughed at me again, and she still does occasionally.
moral of the story: don't go to sleep when you have the urge to shit.
|
shat myself twice because i was to lazy to shit.**
|
shitting myself while sleeping, twice.
|
[
"this happened about a month ago, but it took me",
"some time to get over the shame.",
"anyway, it was about 22pm on a saturday night and",
"i felt like i had to take a shit. i, however,",
"didn't feel for it and decided that i could take",
"a morning shit instead.",
"i brushed my teeth & laid down beside my",
"girlfriend. for once i was the little spoon,",
"which i enjoyed quite well.",
"anyway, halfway through the night, i woke up &",
"felt that something wasn't quite right, too tired",
"to care, i slept in again though. after about 2",
"more of these small \"half-asleep-wakeups\" i",
"wanted to scratch my asshole, which resulted in",
"some cold goo being pressed closer to my",
"butthole.",
"at this point i excused myself to my girlfriend",
"and went to the bathroom, there i examined the",
"pile of shit that had accumulated in my",
"underwear. it wasn't that large, more like a",
"breaking stretch actually. but more was to come,",
"i took a piece of toilet paper and examined my",
"butthole. there i found a piece of shit. i tried",
"to pull it out from between my cheeks, but it was",
"stuck hard in my crackbeard.",
"after some painfull pulling, i pulled the",
"half-dried piece of shit out from between my",
"buttcheeks with a fair bit of my crackbeard still",
"attached, ouch. i cleaned myself the best i could",
"and went back to my room where my girlfriend",
"laughed her ass of when i told her. ashamed as i",
"was i went back to sleep and didn't think much of",
"it until 4 days later, when i shit myself in my",
"sleep, again..",
"the difference this time was though, that i",
"immediately recognized that i shat myself, and",
"went to the bathroom at once. because i was so",
"smart to do so, the shit hadn't dried, and i",
"could clean it with toilet paper and a shower.",
"(if requested, i have pics of my shitty",
"underwear)",
"when i came back to my room, my girlfriend",
"laughed at me again, and she still does",
"occasionally.",
"moral of the story: don't go to sleep when you",
"have the urge to shit."
] |
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went to the bathroom at once. because i was so
|
11 | 6 | 0.81 | 11 |
i've had an ipod for about 3 or 4 years now, and it's gotten pretty beat up. yesterday i dropped my ipod and the screen shattered, so i decided to take off the screen for whatever stupid reason i had in mind. now half the touch screen is unresponsive, making the ipod useless. later on i let my 17 month old brother play with my psvita, which lead to him somehow factory resetting that. i was feeling pretty bad at this point so i decided to play elsword, a game on the computer, and i was doing surverys to get points to buy a skill. i downloaded something to finish the survey, hoping i could just delete it afterwards. it made chrome always open up to some "do search" page, so i had to reinstall chrome. to top this all off, i decided to update my computer to windows 8.1, and after installing it i now have 1 inch black borders around my screen. i googled the problem and the solution involved catalyst control center. i thought it was gonna be a simple fix, but it turns out this update also made catalyst control center fuck up.
|
destroyed ipod, factory reset psvita, fucked up chrome, and downloaded windows 8.1.
|
having terrible luck with electronics.
|
[
"i've had an ipod for about 3 or 4 years now, and",
"it's gotten pretty beat up. yesterday i dropped",
"my ipod and the screen shattered, so i decided to",
"take off the screen for whatever stupid reason i",
"had in mind. now half the touch screen is",
"unresponsive, making the ipod useless. later on i",
"let my 17 month old brother play with my psvita,",
"which lead to him somehow factory resetting that.",
"i was feeling pretty bad at this point so i",
"decided to play elsword, a game on the computer,",
"and i was doing surverys to get points to buy a",
"skill. i downloaded something to finish the",
"survey, hoping i could just delete it afterwards.",
"it made chrome always open up to some \"do search\"",
"page, so i had to reinstall chrome. to top this",
"all off, i decided to update my computer to",
"windows 8.1, and after installing it i now have 1",
"inch black borders around my screen. i googled",
"the problem and the solution involved catalyst",
"control center. i thought it was gonna be a",
"simple fix, but it turns out this update also",
"made catalyst control center fuck up."
] |
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it made chrome always open up to some "do search" windows 8.1, and after installing it i now have 1
|
1,131 | 113 | 0.95 | 1,131 |
i work in china as a college esl (english as second language) teacher. today was a relaxed class, playing games with my freshman to practice pronunciation. during break time in class, i took it upon myself to download a popular media player used by a chinese tv/movie site. with that player i can stream tv shows and movies with chinese & english subtitles. so i went ahead and downloaded it onto the classroom desktop. i have the player on my personal laptop, but had forgotten that downloading it opens the flood gates for porn and rpg related pop ups. once class reconvened, we continued our game: 2 students stand in front of the projector screen, i say a word, they must reach and touch the correct word/picture. the words on the screen were "ship" and "sheep". i say the word "ship", and i'll be damned, as soon as the words left my mouth and the students lunged for the screen..a pop up of an chinese girl in lace lingerie appeared, face down ass up. the students ended up hands on the ass! without missing a beat i x'd out of the pop up, look at the class, and simply say "shit". we all had a good laugh.
i immediately uninstalled the media player.
edit: took a pic of my other class playing the same game today.http://i.imgur.com/n99uas5.jpg
|
ship, sheep, porn, shit!
|
showing my students porn
|
[
"i work in china as a college esl (english as",
"second language) teacher. today was a relaxed",
"class, playing games with my freshman to practice",
"pronunciation. during break time in class, i took",
"it upon myself to download a popular media player",
"used by a chinese tv/movie site. with that player",
"i can stream tv shows and movies with chinese",
"& english subtitles. so i went ahead and",
"downloaded it onto the classroom desktop. i have",
"the player on my personal laptop, but had",
"forgotten that downloading it opens the flood",
"gates for porn and rpg related pop ups. once",
"class reconvened, we continued our game: 2",
"students stand in front of the projector screen,",
"i say a word, they must reach and touch the",
"correct word/picture. the words on the screen",
"were \"ship\" and \"sheep\". i say the word \"ship\",",
"and i'll be damned, as soon as the words left my",
"mouth and the students lunged for the screen..a",
"pop up of an chinese girl in lace lingerie",
"appeared, face down ass up. the students ended up",
"hands on the ass! without missing a beat i x'd",
"out of the pop up, look at the class, and simply",
"say \"shit\". we all had a good laugh.",
"i immediately uninstalled the media player.",
"edit: took a pic of my other class playing the",
"same game today.http://i.imgur.com/n99uas5.jpg"
] |
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were "ship" and "sheep". i say the word "ship",
|
7 | 1 | 0.8 | 7 |
i never thought that i'd be posting here with an unfortunate poop-related incident, but, alas, here i am.
it all started this afternoon at lunch. i walked to the country club near my school to get some food. now, i am slightly intolerant to lactose and gluten. genius me thought it would be a great idea to order grilled cheese. you can probably guess where this is going. after consuming this delicious product of death, i was off to the last block of the day, physics. we had a unit test that class that i had completely forgotten about, however, given the material, i was fairly sure that i would ace it anyways. as i took my seat a few minutes before the class started, i heard and felt a rumbling deep in my bowels. i dismissed it as nothing but a fart waiting to be released. 20 minutes later, i realized my mistake. i was about a quarter of the way through the test when i felt the beginnings of a violent shit coming on. a test had never felt so long in my life. i rushed through it, blazing through kinematic equations like they were nothing. as i neared the end of the test, i was cramping up, and releasing a few embarrassing sounds from my nether regions, earning me some looks from the rather attractive female in front of me. for those of you that have ever had to hold in a shit for some time when you are desperate to go, you can sympathize with me. this was no quiet urging in my bowels to be turned back by my sphincter of steel; this was constant, gut wrenching pain in my lower abdomen. i felt like my stomach would explode any minute. i got up, walked to the front of the class, and asked to be excused to go to the bathroom. i then exited the class, keeping my composure rather well if i say so myself, and sprinted to the boys room as soon as i was clear of the class. let me tell you, i have never experienced a more satisfying shit than today. it exploded out of my rectum in a blaze of tear inducing, stinky glory, and i sighed in relief. it was then that i thought to check my faithful undies for damage, which was not all that bad, considering; just a massive fucking shitstain right down the middle of my boxers. shit. literally. after my poop, i meekly performed the waddle of shame back to my class. surprisingly, no one gave me a second glance. and that, reddit, is how i shat my pants during a test.
|
forgot i can't eat lactose, ate lactose, shat myself during a test.
|
forgetting that i'm lactose intolerant
|
[
"i never thought that i'd be posting here with an",
"unfortunate poop-related incident, but, alas,",
"here i am.",
"it all started this afternoon at lunch. i",
"walked to the country club near my school to get",
"some food. now, i am slightly intolerant to",
"lactose and gluten. genius me thought it would",
"be a great idea to order grilled cheese. you can",
"probably guess where this is going. after",
"consuming this delicious product of death, i was",
"off to the last block of the day, physics. we",
"had a unit test that class that i had completely",
"forgotten about, however, given the material, i",
"was fairly sure that i would ace it anyways. as",
"i took my seat a few minutes before the class",
"started, i heard and felt a rumbling deep in my",
"bowels. i dismissed it as nothing but a fart",
"waiting to be released. 20 minutes later, i",
"realized my mistake. i was about a quarter of",
"the way through the test when i felt the",
"beginnings of a violent shit coming on. a test",
"had never felt so long in my life. i rushed",
"through it, blazing through kinematic equations",
"like they were nothing. as i neared the end of",
"the test, i was cramping up, and releasing a few",
"embarrassing sounds from my nether regions,",
"earning me some looks from the rather attractive",
"female in front of me. for those of you that",
"have ever had to hold in a shit for some time",
"when you are desperate to go, you can sympathize",
"with me. this was no quiet urging in my bowels",
"to be turned back by my sphincter of steel; this",
"was constant, gut wrenching pain in my lower",
"abdomen. i felt like my stomach would explode",
"any minute. i got up, walked to the front of the",
"class, and asked to be excused to go to the",
"bathroom. i then exited the class, keeping my",
"composure rather well if i say so myself, and",
"sprinted to the boys room as soon as i was clear",
"of the class. let me tell you, i have never",
"experienced a more satisfying shit than today.",
"it exploded out of my rectum in a blaze of tear",
"inducing, stinky glory, and i sighed in relief.",
"it was then that i thought to check my faithful",
"undies for damage, which was not all that bad,",
"considering; just a massive fucking shitstain",
"right down the middle of my boxers. shit.",
"literally. after my poop, i meekly performed the",
"waddle of shame back to my class. surprisingly,",
"no one gave me a second glance. and that,",
"reddit, is how i shat my pants during a test."
] |
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reddit, is how i shat my pants during a test.
|
0 | 4 | 0.33 | 0 |
this motherfucker...
i work 7:30-3:30pm friday-sunday at a job where i have to be reachable by phone/at the computer at all times during my shift. on friday i ordered a medium pizza(8 slices) and some breadsticks(was unaware that they give you at least 10 of them in a medium pizza box) from papa johns. i ate 3 slices and 3 breadsticks and put the rest in the fidge. 3:30 rolls around and my coworker shows up to take over for the night shift and i said to him "i ordered pizza and breadsticks for lunch. if you want some it's in the fridge."
saturday morning i come in and open up shop and think nothing of the leftovers that will be my lunch again today. about 12 i finish up a call and decide to take a break for lunch. when i open the fridge i see a box from papa johns. it's the box that the breadsticks come in that still has the soaked look from the butter/garlic stuff that they cover it in that leaked out of the container they put the breaksticks in to put into the pizza box. i think to myself, "maybe he just put it all in one box".
[no](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjxymdu6dpy)[pe](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvdf5n-zi14)
fucking prick ate the remaining 5 slices of pizza and 3 of the breadsticks. what. the. fuck. the kicker is that the pizza box was not in any of the trash bins(i put the trash at the curb friday morning) at our office which means he took the fucking box with him.
|
[fuck that guy.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jigcgh5nj5a)
|
sharing food with a coworker.
|
[
"this motherfucker...",
"i work 7:30-3:30pm friday-sunday at a job where i",
"have to be reachable by phone/at the computer at",
"all times during my shift. on friday i ordered a",
"medium pizza(8 slices) and some breadsticks(was",
"unaware that they give you at least 10 of them in",
"a medium pizza box) from papa johns. i ate 3",
"slices and 3 breadsticks and put the rest in the",
"fidge. 3:30 rolls around and my coworker shows",
"up to take over for the night shift and i said to",
"him \"i ordered pizza and breadsticks for lunch.",
"if you want some it's in the fridge.\"",
"saturday morning i come in and open up shop and",
"think nothing of the leftovers that will be my",
"lunch again today. about 12 i finish up a call",
"and decide to take a break for lunch. when i open",
"the fridge i see a box from papa johns. it's the",
"box that the breadsticks come in that still has",
"the soaked look from the butter/garlic stuff that",
"they cover it in that leaked out of the container",
"they put the breaksticks in to put into the pizza",
"box. i think to myself, \"maybe he just put it all",
"in one box\".",
"[no](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjxymdu6dpy)[",
"pe](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvdf5n-zi14)",
"fucking prick ate the remaining 5 slices of pizza",
"and 3 of the breadsticks. what. the. fuck. the",
"kicker is that the pizza box was not in any of",
"the trash bins(i put the trash at the curb friday",
"morning) at our office which means he took the",
"fucking box with him."
] |
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the soaked look from the butter/garlic stuff that and 3 of the breadsticks. what. the. fuck. the
|
21 | 9 | 0.87 | 21 |
years ago when i was in college, i had an acting class where we all had to act out a ten minute scene in groups (groups of 4). my team decided to do everything last minute (day before our presentation was due), and since i have a background in filmography, cinematography and do videos on a daily basis, i did the camera work and was responsible for editing.
i use adobe premier pro and the editing was impossible and i have an old machine (the render took bloody hours - it finished right before we had to present the video). also, just how my camera takes footage and it gets imported into premier pro, it is automatically zoomed in 50% (because it has to fit a format) and so i have to manually unzoom each of the clips (i took hundreds and there isn't a multi-select option/automatically make it unzoom). it's really late into the night and i might have skipped a couple of clips.
so, the video is done rendering just as we had to present the video. and because it's college and i had a 100 other things, i just slept through the video and the entire class. 20 minutes later (at the end of class), i am woken up by a very tight slap from my female friend: "you f***ing a**hole" and she stormed off. i was like wtf, but the entire class and even the professor were shooting me daggers.
i immediately watch the finished video - effects were fine, cuts are flawless, sounds good, so what's the problem? well, it turns out one minute of the finished film was zoomed in of the ten (hundreds of clips i sorted last night were perfectly fine, just two of them were not). and it just happened to be zoomed in on my friend's ample and shapely breasts. so imagine this - for one minute you could only see boobs on the screen when there was supposed to be a dramatic dialogue. i immediately put my face into my hands and tried to hope it was all a bad dream. it wasn't.
aftermath: i had to beg the professor to not give my team a failing grade, and accepted one instead. i had to go to a sexual harassment seminar. everyone in university thinks i'm a creepy perv and everyone now knows that my mild mannered, very nice and shy friend has large breasts. she was also my crush and was about to break up with her boyfriend, and showed some interest in me. now she absolutely hates my guts even after five years. and her boyfriend (now broken up) gave me a very stern lecture about the whole thing.
to this day, no one believes i did this on purpose. i swear i had no idea, and i have now switched to final cut pro.
i will never use adobe premier pro ever again.
|
premier pro is stupid and zooms in on clips. it zoomed in on my friend (crush)'s ample bosoms during one minute of a scene which i didn't notice due to lack of sleep. to the entire class of hundred students and one strict professor. f*** premier pro.
|
making a video zoom in
|
[
"years ago when i was in college, i had an acting",
"class where we all had to act out a ten minute",
"scene in groups (groups of 4). my team decided to",
"do everything last minute (day before our",
"presentation was due), and since i have a",
"background in filmography, cinematography and do",
"videos on a daily basis, i did the camera work",
"and was responsible for editing.",
"i use adobe premier pro and the editing was",
"impossible and i have an old machine (the render",
"took bloody hours - it finished right before we",
"had to present the video). also, just how my",
"camera takes footage and it gets imported into",
"premier pro, it is automatically zoomed in 50%",
"(because it has to fit a format) and so i have to",
"manually unzoom each of the clips (i took",
"hundreds and there isn't a multi-select",
"option/automatically make it unzoom). it's really",
"late into the night and i might have skipped a",
"couple of clips.",
"so, the video is done rendering just as we had to",
"present the video. and because it's college and i",
"had a 100 other things, i just slept through the",
"video and the entire class. 20 minutes later (at",
"the end of class), i am woken up by a very tight",
"slap from my female friend: \"you f***ing a**hole\"",
"and she stormed off. i was like wtf, but the",
"entire class and even the professor were shooting",
"me daggers.",
"i immediately watch the finished video - effects",
"were fine, cuts are flawless, sounds good, so",
"what's the problem? well, it turns out one minute",
"of the finished film was zoomed in of the ten",
"(hundreds of clips i sorted last night were",
"perfectly fine, just two of them were not). and",
"it just happened to be zoomed in on my friend's",
"ample and shapely breasts. so imagine this - for",
"one minute you could only see boobs on the screen",
"when there was supposed to be a dramatic",
"dialogue. i immediately put my face into my hands",
"and tried to hope it was all a bad dream. it",
"wasn't.",
"aftermath: i had to beg the professor to not give",
"my team a failing grade, and accepted one",
"instead. i had to go to a sexual harassment",
"seminar. everyone in university thinks i'm a",
"creepy perv and everyone now knows that my mild",
"mannered, very nice and shy friend has large",
"breasts. she was also my crush and was about to",
"break up with her boyfriend, and showed some",
"interest in me. now she absolutely hates my guts",
"even after five years. and her boyfriend (now",
"broken up) gave me a very stern lecture about the",
"whole thing.",
"to this day, no one believes i did this on",
"purpose. i swear i had no idea, and i have now",
"switched to final cut pro.",
"i will never use adobe premier pro ever again."
] |
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presentation was due), and since i have a premier pro, it is automatically zoomed in 50% couple of clips. entire class and even the professor were shooting what's the problem? well, it turns out one minute it just happened to be zoomed in on my friend's
|
73 | 37 | 0.8 | 73 |
this is my first semester attending college, which i'm really enjoying so far, with the exception of today's events. aside from the general ed. stuff, i'm also taking a couple computer science classes which meet in the computer lab. since the lab is open for students to use before and after classes, it can sometimes be difficult to find a vacant computer until right before a class begins.
because i tend to be pretty shy i prefer to take the far corner computer which is least visible to the entire room. since the semester started, i noticed that the same guy, whom i shall refer to as "the brony", is often sitting at my computer right before the class. i call him the brony because he has a couple different sweatshirts which he alternates and one of them has the rainbow pony character (sorry, i don't watch the show) on it. i've never really talked to him, and he's not in any of my classes. he looks to be in his late twenties or so, about a decade older than most of the other people i see around, even though i sometimes see him in the cafeteria sitting with his much younger looking friends.
one thing i hate about sharing computers is the hygienic aspect. i don't want to seem rude but this guy just never seems clean. every time i see him at my computer he's sitting there with his thinning, greasy, stringy, untrimmed hair which just sort of hangs over his sweaty forehead and over his thick lens glasses [(which make his eyes appear to bulge out)](http://images.halloweencostumes.com/products/15274/1-1/bug-eye-specs.jpg). he also seems to wear the same clothes many days in a row. our class meets three times a week and a few weeks i've seen him in the same nasty sweatshirt and sweatpants combo (which begins to accumulate food particles and other debris) all three days. the worst thing is that after he gets up, the chair still smells (like shit), and i'm not sure if it's because he's a bigger dude or because he's not cleaning himself properly. i don't want to know honestly. so i just switch the chair with the next one over, and then switch them again after class to make sure i'm not sitting on his chair.
today i arrived to a packed computer lab as usual, so i went outside and sat down on some benches between that room and another classroom while i waited until i could get my usual computer back from the brony. about 5 minutes later, i saw him walk out and proceed to grab the front of his pants to "adjust" himself, as though he were in his own private bedroom and not walking down a campus hallway. at the time i didn't think too much of it (except that it's pretty gross to do so in public view), so i grabbed my backpack and went to sit down at my usual spot. after switching the chair, i sat down and logged in with the keyboard. when i finally grabbed the mouse for the first time, i felt something unusual, a moistness along the sides of the mouse. i looked at the mouse and it kind of glistened (though under the florescent lights it was hard to tell). i wasn't sure if it was some kind of sweat or something else, so (stupidly) i slowly brought my fingers to my face and gave them a sniff. i nearly gagged at the unmistakable bleachy stench of semen.
i immediately got up, and walked to the nearest restroom holding my right hand out in front of me like some kind of deformed zombie, all the while mentally trying to remain calm. i stood in front of the sink for about 10 minutes just lathering my hands with soap, and rinsing them, over and over until i finally calmed down. after i dried them they were redder than i've ever seen them, but i finally felt somewhat clean. by the time i got back to class the instructor had begun talking and for the first time in my college life, i had to walk in late.
i didn't sit at my usual computer; i will never sit there again! but i did want to confirm that i wasn't imagining things, so after class i went back to the corner computer, took a plastic bag, placed it over the mouse, and opened the browser history to see if there was anything there. seemingly endless items from rule 34, and some furry website called e621.
*edit: revised some weirdly structured sentences i had hastily written.*
|
some fat fuck brony was using our computer lab to jerk himself off to furry porn, leaving cum on the mouse.**
|
getting brony jizz on myself and caused me to be late for class. (longish)
|
[
"this is my first semester attending college, which",
"i'm really enjoying so far, with the exception of",
"today's events. aside from the general ed. stuff,",
"i'm also taking a couple computer science classes",
"which meet in the computer lab. since the lab is",
"open for students to use before and after",
"classes, it can sometimes be difficult to find a",
"vacant computer until right before a class",
"begins.",
"because i tend to be pretty shy i prefer to take",
"the far corner computer which is least visible to",
"the entire room. since the semester started, i",
"noticed that the same guy, whom i shall refer to",
"as \"the brony\", is often sitting at my computer",
"right before the class. i call him the brony",
"because he has a couple different sweatshirts",
"which he alternates and one of them has the",
"rainbow pony character (sorry, i don't watch the",
"show) on it. i've never really talked to him, and",
"he's not in any of my classes. he looks to be in",
"his late twenties or so, about a decade older",
"than most of the other people i see around, even",
"though i sometimes see him in the cafeteria",
"sitting with his much younger looking friends.",
"one thing i hate about sharing computers is the",
"hygienic aspect. i don't want to seem rude but",
"this guy just never seems clean. every time i see",
"him at my computer he's sitting there with his",
"thinning, greasy, stringy, untrimmed hair which",
"just sort of hangs over his sweaty forehead and",
"over his thick lens glasses [(which make his eyes",
"appear to bulge",
"out)](http://images.halloweencostumes.com/product",
"s/15274/1-1/bug-eye-specs.jpg).",
"he also seems to wear the same clothes many days",
"in a row. our class meets three times a week and",
"a few weeks i've seen him in the same nasty",
"sweatshirt and sweatpants combo (which begins to",
"accumulate food particles and other debris) all",
"three days. the worst thing is that after he gets",
"up, the chair still smells (like shit), and i'm",
"not sure if it's because he's a bigger dude or",
"because he's not cleaning himself properly. i",
"don't want to know honestly. so i just switch the",
"chair with the next one over, and then switch",
"them again after class to make sure i'm not",
"sitting on his chair.",
"today i arrived to a packed computer lab as",
"usual, so i went outside and sat down on some",
"benches between that room and another classroom",
"while i waited until i could get my usual",
"computer back from the brony. about 5 minutes",
"later, i saw him walk out and proceed to grab the",
"front of his pants to \"adjust\" himself, as though",
"he were in his own private bedroom and not",
"walking down a campus hallway. at the time i",
"didn't think too much of it (except that it's",
"pretty gross to do so in public view), so i",
"grabbed my backpack and went to sit down at my",
"usual spot. after switching the chair, i sat down",
"and logged in with the keyboard. when i finally",
"grabbed the mouse for the first time, i felt",
"something unusual, a moistness along the sides of",
"the mouse. i looked at the mouse and it kind of",
"glistened (though under the florescent lights it",
"was hard to tell). i wasn't sure if it was some",
"kind of sweat or something else, so (stupidly) i",
"slowly brought my fingers to my face and gave",
"them a sniff. i nearly gagged at the unmistakable",
"bleachy stench of semen.",
"i immediately got up, and walked to the nearest",
"restroom holding my right hand out in front of me",
"like some kind of deformed zombie, all the while",
"mentally trying to remain calm. i stood in front",
"of the sink for about 10 minutes just lathering",
"my hands with soap, and rinsing them, over and",
"over until i finally calmed down. after i dried",
"them they were redder than i've ever seen them,",
"but i finally felt somewhat clean. by the time i",
"got back to class the instructor had begun",
"talking and for the first time in my college",
"life, i had to walk in late.",
"i didn't sit at my usual computer; i will never",
"sit there again! but i did want to confirm that i",
"wasn't imagining things, so after class i went",
"back to the corner computer, took a plastic bag,",
"placed it over the mouse, and opened the browser",
"history to see if there was anything there.",
"seemingly endless items from rule 34, and some",
"furry website called e621.",
"*edit: revised some weirdly structured sentences",
"i had hastily written.*"
] |
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today i arrived to a packed computer lab as grabbed the mouse for the first time, i felt was hard to tell). i wasn't sure if it was some
|
45 | 5 | 0.87 | 45 |
so at the time (this happened like in 2008) i worked for a small family owned pizza restaurant. well one night i was working with the owners son and we decided to go for a jog in the park the next morning. fast forwarded to the next morning. it's a beautiful day, sun is shining, birds are chirping, cool breeze. it's the kinda day where you feel nothing can go wrong. we start our 1.2mile journey around the park and everything seems fine until we get back to where our cars are parked. i notice a distinct gurgling in my gut, but decide to keep going for another lap. half way through the lap i am in desperate need of a bathroom. i tried one of the bathrooms out there but the door was locked as well as the park clubhouse, as it was sunday. we finally get back to our cars and he immediately starts yammering on about some bull crap small talk. at this point i am at full anal clinch. he finally finish's talking and we say bye, but before he goes he sticks his hand out for a highfive. i swing my hand into his and as soon as the two touch i completely let loose. i rained down a liquid storm of crap. all down my legs and of course i'm wearing white track pants! luckily he doesn't notice and jokingly says "you may wanna wipe your butt when you get home." i'm nearly in shock, but manage to say "haha yeah" i slowly back up to my car so he wouldn't see my newly colored pants and gtfo of there. had to sit in it and drive home. called my mom and told her the situation, she was not surprised one bit, just said "okay ill get a towel." thanks mom. and i know, i know, reset the counter.
|
crapped my pants at the park while giving a high five.
|
by: jogging in the park with a scumbag anus
|
[
"so at the time (this happened like in 2008) i",
"worked for a small family owned pizza restaurant.",
"well one night i was working with the owners son",
"and we decided to go for a jog in the park the",
"next morning. fast forwarded to the next morning.",
"it's a beautiful day, sun is shining, birds are",
"chirping, cool breeze. it's the kinda day where",
"you feel nothing can go wrong. we start our",
"1.2mile journey around the park and everything",
"seems fine until we get back to where our cars",
"are parked. i notice a distinct gurgling in my",
"gut, but decide to keep going for another lap.",
"half way through the lap i am in desperate need",
"of a bathroom. i tried one of the bathrooms out",
"there but the door was locked as well as the park",
"clubhouse, as it was sunday. we finally get back",
"to our cars and he immediately starts yammering",
"on about some bull crap small talk. at this point",
"i am at full anal clinch. he finally finish's",
"talking and we say bye, but before he goes he",
"sticks his hand out for a highfive. i swing my",
"hand into his and as soon as the two touch i",
"completely let loose. i rained down a liquid",
"storm of crap. all down my legs and of course i'm",
"wearing white track pants! luckily he doesn't",
"notice and jokingly says \"you may wanna wipe your",
"butt when you get home.\" i'm nearly in shock, but",
"manage to say \"haha yeah\" i slowly back up to my",
"car so he wouldn't see my newly colored pants and",
"gtfo of there. had to sit in it and drive home.",
"called my mom and told her the situation, she was",
"not surprised one bit, just said \"okay ill get a",
"towel.\" thanks mom. and i know, i know, reset the",
"counter."
] |
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so at the time (this happened like in 2008) i and we decided to go for a jog in the park the
|
0 | 0 | 0.3 | 0 |
this wasn't today, it was 1 year ago but i saw the same thing again which reminded me of the incident.
i was working as an intern in it last summer. there was this red cart we had that made tons of noise. now this is a big red cart where it's usually laden down with about 75+ pounds of crap. now my other interns, who were also longtime friends unlocked doors and had other things to do in that hallway. as i was moving the crap from storage to the rooms to be reassembled after building and grounds finished cleaning the room, there was this door with a painting on it. it was a thick sort of canvas that was made of chalk or something. so i come down the hallway with the force of hurricane katrina and normally i can stop quickly. no. there was a large patch of dust that rendered my soles useless as i was dragged behind a battering ram of filthy dinosaurs. i was able to steer a little but it was not enough. i ended up skidding just enough that the rounded corner perfectly destroyed the beautiful face of an actor by impacting his nose 2 inches into the face.
we laugh about it still. as a token of our sadness, not really, we got a post it note that simply read:"sorry about the nose", and pasted it over the gaping face hole.
|
i destroyed the face of an actor with the battering ram filled with the corpses of those that should be buried.
|
destroyed a guy's nose
|
[
"this wasn't today, it was 1 year ago but i saw the",
"same thing again which reminded me of the",
"incident.",
"i was working as an intern in it last summer.",
"there was this red cart we had that made tons of",
"noise. now this is a big red cart where it's",
"usually laden down with about 75+ pounds of crap.",
"now my other interns, who were also longtime",
"friends unlocked doors and had other things to do",
"in that hallway. as i was moving the crap from",
"storage to the rooms to be reassembled after",
"building and grounds finished cleaning the room,",
"there was this door with a painting on it. it was",
"a thick sort of canvas that was made of chalk or",
"something. so i come down the hallway with the",
"force of hurricane katrina and normally i can",
"stop quickly. no. there was a large patch of dust",
"that rendered my soles useless as i was dragged",
"behind a battering ram of filthy dinosaurs. i was",
"able to steer a little but it was not enough. i",
"ended up skidding just enough that the rounded",
"corner perfectly destroyed the beautiful face of",
"an actor by impacting his nose 2 inches into the",
"face.",
"we laugh about it still. as a token of our",
"sadness, not really, we got a post it note that",
"simply read:\"sorry about the nose\", and pasted it",
"over the gaping face hole."
] |
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] |
behind a battering ram of filthy dinosaurs. i was corner perfectly destroyed the beautiful face of an actor by impacting his nose 2 inches into the
|
182 | 82 | 0.79 | 182 |
around 10pm and my gf of 14 months is telling me she wants to know my sexual fantasy's. i don't really have any so i just shrug and say "i don't really have one." she looks at me like im just being shy and says "well i have always had this fantasy of being woken up to a guy fucking me." i immediately know what this means(or so i think). she wants me to fulfill her fantasy. i was a virgin at the time so i spent time thinking about how i was going to approach the situation. after about a week i called my gf over to stay at my house while my parents were gone for the time on some cruise. so halfway through a scary movie she says she is sleepy and i ask if she wants to spend the night. after an ok from her parents because they know me as a good guy, i lead her to my room and she gets in my bed. i watch the rest of the movie in the living room until i know the coast is clear and that she is sound asleep(around 1am). it was so dark i couldn't see my hand in front of my face. i felt for the bed and crept into it with her. i felt my way onto her to the point where i was fingering her. i felt some liquid thinking she was getting wet and thinking i must have been a natural i stuck my penis into her. she started to wake up so i quickly started humping her and tried to look my sexiest. she said "anon?" and i replied with "oh anon your so wet." she screamed super loud and i thought i was a sex god at that point. "anon stop!" i quickly pulled out and got up thinking something was wrong as in bloody axe murderer in the room wrong. "what?what?" i said as i ran to the lights and turned to her. she was in fetal position crying and i thought either i pushed too hard or she was so tight it hurt her. "im on my fucking period." she said with a raspy voice. omgomgomg wat do? i asked if there was anything i could do an she screamed "just go!". i left my room and slept in my parents bedroom. next morning she wakes up first and comes into my room and wakes me and tells me shes not mad. shitstorm eluded:)! "its ok anon...its not your fault...its just...." what? i thought. fast forward two days later and im being tested for hiv because she was born with it. haven't gotten the results back yet and my parents weren't mad at me having sex but they my mom cried when she found out about the hiv thing. i haven't seen my gf since that day but i still text her.
sorry in advance for any mistakes,this is my first tifu.
|
i had sex with my sleeping gf then found out she was hiv+
|
waking my gf up with sex
|
[
"around 10pm and my gf of 14 months is telling me",
"she wants to know my sexual fantasy's. i don't",
"really have any so i just shrug and say \"i don't",
"really have one.\" she looks at me like im just",
"being shy and says \"well i have always had this",
"fantasy of being woken up to a guy fucking me.\" i",
"immediately know what this means(or so i think).",
"she wants me to fulfill her fantasy. i was a",
"virgin at the time so i spent time thinking about",
"how i was going to approach the situation. after",
"about a week i called my gf over to stay at my",
"house while my parents were gone for the time on",
"some cruise. so halfway through a scary movie she",
"says she is sleepy and i ask if she wants to",
"spend the night. after an ok from her parents",
"because they know me as a good guy, i lead her to",
"my room and she gets in my bed. i watch the rest",
"of the movie in the living room until i know the",
"coast is clear and that she is sound",
"asleep(around 1am). it was so dark i couldn't see",
"my hand in front of my face. i felt for the bed",
"and crept into it with her. i felt my way onto",
"her to the point where i was fingering her. i",
"felt some liquid thinking she was getting wet and",
"thinking i must have been a natural i stuck my",
"penis into her. she started to wake up so i",
"quickly started humping her and tried to look my",
"sexiest. she said \"anon?\" and i replied with \"oh",
"anon your so wet.\" she screamed super loud and i",
"thought i was a sex god at that point. \"anon",
"stop!\" i quickly pulled out and got up thinking",
"something was wrong as in bloody axe murderer in",
"the room wrong. \"what?what?\" i said as i ran to",
"the lights and turned to her. she was in fetal",
"position crying and i thought either i pushed too",
"hard or she was so tight it hurt her. \"im on my",
"fucking period.\" she said with a raspy voice.",
"omgomgomg wat do? i asked if there was anything i",
"could do an she screamed \"just go!\". i left my",
"room and slept in my parents bedroom. next",
"morning she wakes up first and comes into my room",
"and wakes me and tells me shes not mad. shitstorm",
"eluded:)! \"its ok anon...its not your fault...its",
"just....\" what? i thought. fast forward two days",
"later and im being tested for hiv because she was",
"born with it. haven't gotten the results back yet",
"and my parents weren't mad at me having sex but",
"they my mom cried when she found out about the",
"hiv thing. i haven't seen my gf since that day",
"but i still text her.",
"sorry in advance for any mistakes,this is my",
"first tifu."
] |
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] |
later and im being tested for hiv because she was they my mom cried when she found out about the
|
6 | 11 | 0.7 | 6 |
i have the galaxy s3 and the apple earpods. i put my earphones in to listen to a podcast the other day as i journeyed to work, and for some reason, the sound wouldn't come out of the right ear.
eventually, this pissed me off to the point where i broke off the right earphone. this was my first mistake.
so, as you do, i went on amazon and ordered some new ones.
they turned up today. guess what? same fucking problem. second mistake.
i tried them in a different phone and they work fine. i don't know what is wrong with them.
so yeah, i just wasted about £15.
edit: they still don't work. i would appreciate some suggestions.
|
i'm a dumbass who broke perfectly good earphones because i was too fucking lazy to try them in something else.**
|
buying new earphones
|
[
"i have the galaxy s3 and the apple earpods. i put",
"my earphones in to listen to a podcast the other",
"day as i journeyed to work, and for some reason,",
"the sound wouldn't come out of the right ear.",
"eventually, this pissed me off to the point where",
"i broke off the right earphone. this was my first",
"mistake.",
"so, as you do, i went on amazon and ordered some",
"new ones.",
"they turned up today. guess what? same fucking",
"problem. second mistake.",
"i tried them in a different phone and they work",
"fine. i don't know what is wrong with them.",
"so yeah, i just wasted about £15.",
"edit: they still don't work. i would appreciate",
"some suggestions."
] |
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] |
my earphones in to listen to a podcast the other i broke off the right earphone. this was my first i tried them in a different phone and they work
|
32 | 1 | 0.96 | 32 |
not today, per se, but i just discovered this thread, so had to share. friends and i rented a cabin earlier this summer with a 3rd floor balcony. night time. decide to try to piss off of the balcony into the fire pit below. we had a campfire earlier. only embers remain. friend lets his dog out (unbeknownst to me) to use the bathroom. i underestimated my distance and pissed on the dog instead. friend bought the dog inside and went to bed. dog slept with him, covered in my piss. came into the kitchen the next morning complaining that the dog must have rolled in something and smelled awful.
|
pissed on my friend's dog and he slept with it.
|
pissing on my friend's dog.
|
[
"not today, per se, but i just discovered this",
"thread, so had to share. friends and i rented a",
"cabin earlier this summer with a 3rd floor",
"balcony. night time. decide to try to piss off of",
"the balcony into the fire pit below. we had a",
"campfire earlier. only embers remain. friend lets",
"his dog out (unbeknownst to me) to use the",
"bathroom. i underestimated my distance and pissed",
"on the dog instead. friend bought the dog inside",
"and went to bed. dog slept with him, covered in",
"my piss. came into the kitchen the next morning",
"complaining that the dog must have rolled in",
"something and smelled awful."
] |
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and went to bed. dog slept with him, covered in
|
4,089 | 361 | 0.96 | 4,089 |
last night, i was on the bus coming home from visiting a friend in a nearby town, and i fell asleep. so i start dreaming about her, and before i know it, it turns sexual. a slow, lustrous tension builds up as, in my dream, i slowly slide my hand up her naked thigh. the second i reach her privates, all the muscles in my body release in a wonderful spasm of ecstasy.
it's enough to wake me up. of course, with a sinking stomach, i realize instantly what is happening; my dick is happily pumping cum into my underwear like it's waving freely in an open field. except i'm sitting in the window seat on a fully packed bus with two hours left to go, and the bathroom is out of order. to my horror, as i'm contemplating my pitiful existence, i feel the cum start to slide into the crack of my ass. there's no way to move to make it better. water finds the fastest, most efficient route to succumb to gravity, and any way i move gets my cum deeper into my ass.
if that wasn't bad enough, by the time i eventually got to a bathroom, it had crusted most of my ass hairs together. pulling my cheeks apart has never been more painful - both physically and emotionally. i cried all kinds of tears last night.
|
i had a wet dream and came in my own ass.
|
having a wet dream.
|
[
"last night, i was on the bus coming home from",
"visiting a friend in a nearby town, and i fell",
"asleep. so i start dreaming about her, and before",
"i know it, it turns sexual. a slow, lustrous",
"tension builds up as, in my dream, i slowly slide",
"my hand up her naked thigh. the second i reach",
"her privates, all the muscles in my body release",
"in a wonderful spasm of ecstasy.",
"it's enough to wake me up. of course, with a",
"sinking stomach, i realize instantly what is",
"happening; my dick is happily pumping cum into my",
"underwear like it's waving freely in an open",
"field. except i'm sitting in the window seat on a",
"fully packed bus with two hours left to go, and",
"the bathroom is out of order. to my horror, as",
"i'm contemplating my pitiful existence, i feel",
"the cum start to slide into the crack of my ass.",
"there's no way to move to make it better. water",
"finds the fastest, most efficient route to",
"succumb to gravity, and any way i move gets my",
"cum deeper into my ass.",
"if that wasn't bad enough, by the time i",
"eventually got to a bathroom, it had crusted most",
"of my ass hairs together. pulling my cheeks apart",
"has never been more painful - both physically and",
"emotionally. i cried all kinds of tears last",
"night."
] |
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tension builds up as, in my dream, i slowly slide
|
18 | 2 | 0.84 | 18 |
this fuck up actually has happened over the course of a few months, although the worst part happened yesterday. also, it doesn't matter i suppose but i am a girl, not a guy.
also, throwaway because people i personally know are aware of the name of my main account.
so awhile ago i set up my mom on dropbox so that she could have access to her photos across all her devices. i figured that since the technology was well known and easy it would be a win-win for everyone. she would have her photos backed up to an external source along with her computer and external hard drive and i wouldn't have to back up the photos every single time she wanted things backed up.
one day i was playing skyrim on her computer because mine is older and slower and my computer doesn't care for skyrim. i switched over the account on dropbox to mine rather than the one i set her up with. i got distracted and forgot to switch it over.
now over the course of about four months her photos have slowly been backing up on my dropbox without me knowing (i'm not very observant). at the same time, my photos have also been backed up to dropbox (you can tell where this is going) including some inappropriate photos that i had taken awhile ago.
so today (yesterday actually, but whatever) my mom gets an error message with her dropbox saying it is full. she goes in to look through the photos because she noticed the folder was unusually large.
she opens it up and wham! there are my inappropriate photos. now she's really pissed at me and she saw my most private photos.
|
dropbox synced my photos and my mom's on the same account. she saw inappropriate photos.
|
automatically backing up my photos to dropbox.
|
[
"this fuck up actually has happened over the course",
"of a few months, although the worst part happened",
"yesterday. also, it doesn't matter i suppose but",
"i am a girl, not a guy.",
"also, throwaway because people i personally know",
"are aware of the name of my main account.",
"so awhile ago i set up my mom on dropbox so that",
"she could have access to her photos across all",
"her devices. i figured that since the technology",
"was well known and easy it would be a win-win for",
"everyone. she would have her photos backed up to",
"an external source along with her computer and",
"external hard drive and i wouldn't have to back",
"up the photos every single time she wanted things",
"backed up.",
"one day i was playing skyrim on her computer",
"because mine is older and slower and my computer",
"doesn't care for skyrim. i switched over the",
"account on dropbox to mine rather than the one i",
"set her up with. i got distracted and forgot to",
"switch it over.",
"now over the course of about four months her",
"photos have slowly been backing up on my dropbox",
"without me knowing (i'm not very observant). at",
"the same time, my photos have also been backed up",
"to dropbox (you can tell where this is going)",
"including some inappropriate photos that i had",
"taken awhile ago.",
"so today (yesterday actually, but whatever) my",
"mom gets an error message with her dropbox saying",
"it is full. she goes in to look through the",
"photos because she noticed the folder was",
"unusually large.",
"she opens it up and wham! there are my",
"inappropriate photos. now she's really pissed at",
"me and she saw my most private photos."
] |
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the same time, my photos have also been backed up me and she saw my most private photos.
|
35 | 8 | 0.83 | 35 |
throwaway account because i don't think my friends really need to know what i do in my spare time. and no, this does not end with my dick getting sliced and diced.
ok, so, background information: i was wondering, "man, i bet i could shove something up my ass," so i started looking around for something to use as a makeshift dildo ('dem hormones). all i found was a razor, but it had a handle so, hey, it worked! after successfully applying ~~lube~~ shampoo, i grabbed it, and, quite frankly, wanted to see how far it could go. somewhere in this mess, my hand got sliced by the razor. i remember it didn't hurt that much because when i looked at it, it wasn't bleeding. it wasn't until i went over to the sink to wash off the razor that i saw what happened.
the cuts (which are less than half of an inch long, i don't know how this happened because of that), started bleeding and stuck to everything it touched. my shower curtains had a nice red hue to it now (how did it happen? i have no clue), as did the shampoo bottle when i touched it to put it back. oh yeah! so did the razor! my hand was probably the worst with blood all over the palm and fingers. and when i finally got out of the shower and dressed, my finger still stung.
|
razors aren't made to be dildos.**
|
masturbating with a razor [nsfw]
|
[
"throwaway account because i don't think my friends",
"really need to know what i do in my spare time.",
"and no, this does not end with my dick getting",
"sliced and diced.",
"ok, so, background information: i was wondering,",
"\"man, i bet i could shove something up my ass,\"",
"so i started looking around for something to use",
"as a makeshift dildo ('dem hormones). all i found",
"was a razor, but it had a handle so, hey, it",
"worked! after successfully applying ~~lube~~",
"shampoo, i grabbed it, and, quite frankly, wanted",
"to see how far it could go. somewhere in this",
"mess, my hand got sliced by the razor. i remember",
"it didn't hurt that much because when i looked at",
"it, it wasn't bleeding. it wasn't until i went",
"over to the sink to wash off the razor that i saw",
"what happened.",
"the cuts (which are less than half of an inch",
"long, i don't know how this happened because of",
"that), started bleeding and stuck to everything",
"it touched. my shower curtains had a nice red hue",
"to it now (how did it happen? i have no clue), as",
"did the shampoo bottle when i touched it to put",
"it back. oh yeah! so did the razor! my hand was",
"probably the worst with blood all over the palm",
"and fingers. and when i finally got out of the",
"shower and dressed, my finger still stung."
] |
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that), started bleeding and stuck to everything
|
4 | 4 | 0.67 | 4 |
so i have a few weeks of school left and i'm very behind on my school reading. i'm trying to power through *the mayflower* but i keep dozing off. i need something to pick me up.
coffee. but i don't like coffee, except for ice mochas. so i decide to try an make one. i have ice, a blender, coffee, sugar, i think this will work.
look up a recipe online. it calls for liquid coffee and i don't how to make that. ground will work just as good. cocoa powder, i have it. sugar, i have it. ice, bingo. blender... where... where is the rest of the blender?!
so i decide it'll work with [this](http://g-ecx.images-amazon.com/images/g/01/kitchen/serenahe/aplus/csb77/action_300px._v162573874_.jpg), but i'm not sure if that can grind ice. i assume so because there's a picture of a cold drink on it.
i'll figure it out. so i get a four cup measuring cup and start dumping the ingredients in. i eyeball it.
pour some milk in, go to puree it. it looks weird, too dark. tastes more coffee-like than i'd like. okay, add more milk.
time for ice. i get out the big bag of ice and i plop some cubes in.
then i knock the measuring cup over with the puree wand still in it. it spills. dark, grainy liquid coats my countertop, but i manage to save some.
paper towel is not doing the trick. decide to just scrape it into a bowl off the counter. i wet a rag and clean it up.
did i mention we have ants right now?
well, they're crawling all over me as i'm trying to make the chocolatey, sugary substance disappear. i wash off my hands in the sink, but there's still particles of ground coffee everywhere.
tiny, fine little speckles.
i decide to try it again. i add more ice and cocoa powder and sugar and get to work. it turned out *okay.*
|
i can't make drinks.
|
trying to make a blended ice mocha
|
[
"so i have a few weeks of school left and i'm very",
"behind on my school reading. i'm trying to power",
"through *the mayflower* but i keep dozing off. i",
"need something to pick me up.",
"coffee. but i don't like coffee, except for ice",
"mochas. so i decide to try an make one. i have",
"ice, a blender, coffee, sugar, i think this will",
"work.",
"look up a recipe online. it calls for liquid",
"coffee and i don't how to make that. ground will",
"work just as good. cocoa powder, i have it.",
"sugar, i have it. ice, bingo. blender... where...",
"where is the rest of the blender?!",
"so i decide it'll work with",
"[this](http://g-ecx.images-amazon.com/images/g/01",
"/kitchen/serenahe/aplus/csb77/action_300px._v16257",
"3874_.jpg),",
"but i'm not sure if that can grind ice. i assume",
"so because there's a picture of a cold drink on",
"it.",
"i'll figure it out. so i get a four cup measuring",
"cup and start dumping the ingredients in. i",
"eyeball it.",
"pour some milk in, go to puree it. it looks",
"weird, too dark. tastes more coffee-like than i'd",
"like. okay, add more milk.",
"time for ice. i get out the big bag of ice and i",
"plop some cubes in.",
"then i knock the measuring cup over with the",
"puree wand still in it. it spills. dark, grainy",
"liquid coats my countertop, but i manage to save",
"some.",
"paper towel is not doing the trick. decide to",
"just scrape it into a bowl off the counter. i wet",
"a rag and clean it up.",
"did i mention we have ants right now?",
"well, they're crawling all over me as i'm trying",
"to make the chocolatey, sugary substance",
"disappear. i wash off my hands in the sink, but",
"there's still particles of ground coffee",
"everywhere.",
"tiny, fine little speckles.",
"i decide to try it again. i add more ice and",
"cocoa powder and sugar and get to work. it turned",
"out *okay.*"
] |
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mochas. so i decide to try an make one. i have
|
369 | 48 | 0.91 | 369 |
this happened several months ago, but i just learned about this subreddit from a friend so i figured i'd post my own tifu...
i attend college and am part of a fraternity. since it's the weekend, me and a few of my buddies decided to go to another frat house and have a beer or 10 and party.
eventually, as the night progresses and so does our lack of sobriety, we decide to leave and head back to our own house. as we are going to a door that leads us out, we try to open it and it gets (what we thought) stuck...it would open an inch or so and just wouldn't open any further. not thinking to just go out another way 10 feet down the hall, my friend spartan-kicks open the door. it opens....and just slams shut. duhfuq?
we finally decided to go out the other door, and when we come out of the house we see a girl laying in the grass, knocked out and with her nose bleeding. a guy runs over and gets on top of her, yelling at her and shaking her.
chivalry kicks in....i'm not about to let this guy get on top of this girl and smack her around. so, (thinking i'm) protecting the girl, i rush over and punch him in the face and he falls over next to the girl and we leave before it causes a scene.
.... it turns out that the door wasn't opening because the girl was holding it closed with her foot, and the guy on top of her was her boyfriend making sure she was okay.
til: leave spartan-kicking to the spartans, and don't think everyone is a rapist.
|
spartan-kicked open a door, knocked a bitch out, punched out her boyfriend
|
knocking a girl out and punching her boyfriend
|
[
"this happened several months ago, but i just",
"learned about this subreddit from a friend so i",
"figured i'd post my own tifu...",
"i attend college and am part of a fraternity.",
"since it's the weekend, me and a few of my",
"buddies decided to go to another frat house and",
"have a beer or 10 and party.",
"eventually, as the night progresses and so does",
"our lack of sobriety, we decide to leave and head",
"back to our own house. as we are going to a door",
"that leads us out, we try to open it and it gets",
"(what we thought) stuck...it would open an inch",
"or so and just wouldn't open any further. not",
"thinking to just go out another way 10 feet down",
"the hall, my friend spartan-kicks open the door.",
"it opens....and just slams shut. duhfuq?",
"we finally decided to go out the other door, and",
"when we come out of the house we see a girl",
"laying in the grass, knocked out and with her",
"nose bleeding. a guy runs over and gets on top of",
"her, yelling at her and shaking her.",
"chivalry kicks in....i'm not about to let this",
"guy get on top of this girl and smack her around.",
"so, (thinking i'm) protecting the girl, i rush",
"over and punch him in the face and he falls over",
"next to the girl and we leave before it causes a",
"scene.",
".... it turns out that the door wasn't opening",
"because the girl was holding it closed with her",
"foot, and the guy on top of her was her boyfriend",
"making sure she was okay.",
"til: leave spartan-kicking to the spartans, and",
"don't think everyone is a rapist."
] |
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the hall, my friend spartan-kicks open the door. laying in the grass, knocked out and with her
|
31 | 10 | 0.81 | 31 |
so,like normal,i go to my girlfriends house at night,stay til morning and leave. well, this morning around 2 am we fucked and after i was finished i asked for a towel,cleaned myself,put the towel back. i get a text from my girlfriend at around 11 am saying she couldnt stop laughing. i asked why,and she told me. her dad went into her room to get a towel because he was taking a shower,my cum towel,all over him. yep.
|
girlfriends dad wiped my semen all over his body.
|
not properly disposing of my "clean-up towel"
|
[
"so,like normal,i go to my girlfriends house at",
"night,stay til morning and leave. well, this",
"morning around 2 am we fucked and after i was",
"finished i asked for a towel,cleaned myself,put",
"the towel back. i get a text from my girlfriend",
"at around 11 am saying she couldnt stop laughing.",
"i asked why,and she told me. her dad went into",
"her room to get a towel because he was taking a",
"shower,my cum towel,all over him. yep."
] |
[
1,
0,
0,
0,
0,
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so,like normal,i go to my girlfriends house at
|
22 | 2 | 0.73 | 22 |
tifu by not checking my voicemail for a week. i don't like voicemail. it takes too long to go through and i usually know what the subject of a call is, even if they don't text me right after, so i hadn't checked for a week. i get a call at 2 am from an 808 area code, which i don't recognize so i let it go to voicemail, which i then check. there were 3 messages: 1 from my grandma who lives in hawaii (area code 808), 1 from my mom, and 1 from an hr person at my city hall where i had applied for a job which was in my field, which i was very excited about. she had called last tuesday to set up an interview. for this tuesday. yesterday.
it's 2 am wednesday, i can't do anything until the morning, and even then i probably won't be able to do anything about it.
|
didn't check voicemail, didn't get a message about a big job interview, check your damn voicemail
|
not checking my voicemail
|
[
"tifu by not checking my voicemail for a week. i",
"don't like voicemail. it takes too long to go",
"through and i usually know what the subject of a",
"call is, even if they don't text me right after,",
"so i hadn't checked for a week. i get a call at",
"2 am from an 808 area code, which i don't",
"recognize so i let it go to voicemail, which i",
"then check. there were 3 messages: 1 from my",
"grandma who lives in hawaii (area code 808), 1",
"from my mom, and 1 from an hr person at my city",
"hall where i had applied for a job which was in",
"my field, which i was very excited about. she",
"had called last tuesday to set up an interview.",
"for this tuesday. yesterday.",
"it's 2 am wednesday, i can't do anything until",
"the morning, and even then i probably won't be",
"able to do anything about it."
] |
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0.48942495693334964,
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] |
so i hadn't checked for a week. i get a call at able to do anything about it.
|
303 | 85 | 0.93 | 303 |
so this just happened a few minutes ago. it has been really hot here and when it get's hot my stomach acts up and gives me the johnny jogger's. today was no different.
i was sitting on the computer as my husband watched some t.v when he disappeared. i told my friend with whom i had been talking to on yahoo that i would "brb... potty break" i go down the hall to our one and only bathroom only to find it already occupied. uh oh! my cheeks were clenched as tight as i could make them as the oh so glorious sounds of my stomach gurgling and the pressure increased. my husband says he just sat down to do his nightly ritual and that it may be awhile as the heat was affecting him too. cue drastic measures. i attempted to busy my mind with making the bed and just walking around. guess what? it didn't work! as thoughts of me running out the door to "commune with nature" ran through my head i felt the pressure increase.
what could go wrong? i run out the door and into the tree line (i live in the country... thank god!) and as soon as my pants came down the molten hot lava erupted from my anus with the loudest most obnoxious sounds following with it.
now may be the time that i should tell you that the piece of land i live on has 2 houses on it and while i thought my neighbor was out of town for work i will soon found out that i was mistaken.
he had just gotten home and was out in his yard and heard my grunts and other noises. not knowing what it was he came thinking that an animal was hurt, ( i didn't know i sounded so pitiful), and as he came through the trees i released one last spurt of liquid shit hitting his legs and feet. i heard his exclaim of surprise, realized what had happened, pulled up my pants and, with crap still running down my leg, ran into the house. by the time i came back my husband came out and told me the bathroom was free.... to little too late. i am pretty sure i will never be able to show my face to my neighbor again. i showered up and came on here to reveal my misery and embarrassment to the reddit world.
|
didn't beat husband to bathroom while having diarrhea, went to tree line, neighbor comes out and i spew liquid shit all over his legs and feet... fml
|
not beating my husband to the bathroom.
|
[
"so this just happened a few minutes ago. it has",
"been really hot here and when it get's hot my",
"stomach acts up and gives me the johnny jogger's.",
"today was no different.",
"i was sitting on the computer as my husband",
"watched some t.v when he disappeared. i told my",
"friend with whom i had been talking to on yahoo",
"that i would \"brb... potty break\" i go down the",
"hall to our one and only bathroom only to find it",
"already occupied. uh oh! my cheeks were clenched",
"as tight as i could make them as the oh so",
"glorious sounds of my stomach gurgling and the",
"pressure increased. my husband says he just sat",
"down to do his nightly ritual and that it may be",
"awhile as the heat was affecting him too. cue",
"drastic measures. i attempted to busy my mind",
"with making the bed and just walking around.",
"guess what? it didn't work! as thoughts of me",
"running out the door to \"commune with nature\" ran",
"through my head i felt the pressure increase.",
"what could go wrong? i run out the door and into",
"the tree line (i live in the country... thank",
"god!) and as soon as my pants came down the",
"molten hot lava erupted from my anus with the",
"loudest most obnoxious sounds following with it.",
"now may be the time that i should tell you that",
"the piece of land i live on has 2 houses on it",
"and while i thought my neighbor was out of town",
"for work i will soon found out that i was",
"mistaken.",
"he had just gotten home and was out in his yard",
"and heard my grunts and other noises. not knowing",
"what it was he came thinking that an animal was",
"hurt, ( i didn't know i sounded so pitiful), and",
"as he came through the trees i released one last",
"spurt of liquid shit hitting his legs and feet. i",
"heard his exclaim of surprise, realized what had",
"happened, pulled up my pants and, with crap still",
"running down my leg, ran into the house. by the",
"time i came back my husband came out and told me",
"the bathroom was free.... to little too late. i",
"am pretty sure i will never be able to show my",
"face to my neighbor again. i showered up and came",
"on here to reveal my misery and embarrassment to",
"the reddit world."
] |
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the tree line (i live in the country... thank and while i thought my neighbor was out of town spurt of liquid shit hitting his legs and feet. i
|
127 | 33 | 0.92 | 127 |
so for a really long time now i have had this cyst. nothing particularly special about this cyst. as far as r/wtf guidelines it would have probably rated at a "why did you even submit this picture" level.
so it's a small cyst.
well today i had this cyst removed by a dermatologist at my own request. so he numbs the area and starts to go to town cutting out this thing that has bothered me for so long.
he finishes mutilating me and gives me two stitches to make sure it heals up all nice and pretty.
flash forward to tonight, i'm talking to this girl and somehow the conversation turns to sex. not phone sex just talking about sex like any other thing in the world. well she hangs up and i'm at my computer thinking of a million different things i should have said to her during the conversation.
something starts stirring in my pants. i popped a small erection.
cool?
cool.
actually: horrible.
the cyst was on my penis.
i just popped two stitches, on my penis, opening a very fresh crater about the size of a hole punch in a piece of paper on my penis because i couldn't get my mind off sex.
edit: format
|
i popped 2 stitches on my dick where a cyst had just been removed.
|
having a cyst removed.
|
[
"so for a really long time now i have had this",
"cyst. nothing particularly special about this",
"cyst. as far as r/wtf guidelines it would have",
"probably rated at a \"why did you even submit this",
"picture\" level.",
"so it's a small cyst.",
"well today i had this cyst removed by a",
"dermatologist at my own request. so he numbs the",
"area and starts to go to town cutting out this",
"thing that has bothered me for so long.",
"he finishes mutilating me and gives me two",
"stitches to make sure it heals up all nice and",
"pretty.",
"flash forward to tonight, i'm talking to this",
"girl and somehow the conversation turns to sex.",
"not phone sex just talking about sex like any",
"other thing in the world. well she hangs up and",
"i'm at my computer thinking of a million",
"different things i should have said to her during",
"the conversation.",
"something starts stirring in my pants. i popped a",
"small erection.",
"cool?\n\ncool.\n\nactually: horrible.",
"the cyst was on my penis.",
"i just popped two stitches, on my penis, opening",
"a very fresh crater about the size of a hole",
"punch in a piece of paper on my penis because i",
"couldn't get my mind off sex.",
"edit: format"
] |
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] |
well today i had this cyst removed by a i just popped two stitches, on my penis, opening
|
161 | 21 | 0.93 | 161 |
to preface this story, you should know i work on the 23rd floor of an office building as an intern for the summer.
on monday morning, just like any other day around 11:00 am, i go to take a dump in our floors bathrooms. as i waltz into the bathroom, phone in hand, i see a disappointing sight: both stalls are taken. no problem, i think to myself, i'll just head down a floor and use their restrooms. deciding that one flight of stairs would be faster than waiting on the elevator, i duck into the stairwell and hop on down to the next floor. upon arriving at the door, i make a slightly annoying discovery: the door to get out of the stairwell onto this floor is locked. i make my way down another floor and try again. locked. starting to panic, i try every door down to 19 (i'm on 23, mind you). exasperated, i quickly waddle/shuffle up the stairs back to my floor, only to discover that the door had also locked behind me. god. dammit. my only option at this point was to clench my buttcheeks for dear life and shuffle my way down 23 flights of stairs to the lobby, and ride the elevator back to my floor. feeling both defeated and full to the bursting point, i made my way into the stall, where, upon sitting down on the toilet, my leg began to cramp violently from all the stairs. i am not a clever man.
|
pooping cost me 27 flights of stairs and a painful leg cramp.
|
attempting to use the bathroom
|
[
"to preface this story, you should know i work on",
"the 23rd floor of an office building as an intern",
"for the summer.",
"on monday morning, just like any other day around",
"11:00 am, i go to take a dump in our floors",
"bathrooms. as i waltz into the bathroom, phone in",
"hand, i see a disappointing sight: both stalls",
"are taken. no problem, i think to myself, i'll",
"just head down a floor and use their restrooms.",
"deciding that one flight of stairs would be",
"faster than waiting on the elevator, i duck into",
"the stairwell and hop on down to the next floor.",
"upon arriving at the door, i make a slightly",
"annoying discovery: the door to get out of the",
"stairwell onto this floor is locked. i make my",
"way down another floor and try again. locked.",
"starting to panic, i try every door down to 19",
"(i'm on 23, mind you). exasperated, i quickly",
"waddle/shuffle up the stairs back to my floor,",
"only to discover that the door had also locked",
"behind me. god. dammit. my only option at this",
"point was to clench my buttcheeks for dear life",
"and shuffle my way down 23 flights of stairs to",
"the lobby, and ride the elevator back to my",
"floor. feeling both defeated and full to the",
"bursting point, i made my way into the stall,",
"where, upon sitting down on the toilet, my leg",
"began to cramp violently from all the stairs. i",
"am not a clever man."
] |
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] |
and shuffle my way down 23 flights of stairs to
|
11 | 8 | 0.72 | 11 |
so i just got off work and i was leaving the shop to walk to the bus station. as soon as i start i see the bus coming up the hill. to try not to inconvenience the bus i started running/skipping/walking to try to catch up to it. i made it to the rear of the bus the bitch pulls off. and just when i thought it couldn't get any worse i turn around and see a google maps car. i have dreamed of this day and it was ruined. not only was i not able to pose it caught me running/skipping/walking. i'm fairly sure i saw the driver laughing hysterically.
anyone know how long it usually takes to update?
|
google maps car recorded me embarrassingly trying to catch my bus.
|
missing the bus
|
[
"so i just got off work and i was leaving the shop",
"to walk to the bus station. as soon as i start i",
"see the bus coming up the hill. to try not to",
"inconvenience the bus i started",
"running/skipping/walking to try to catch up to",
"it. i made it to the rear of the bus the bitch",
"pulls off. and just when i thought it couldn't",
"get any worse i turn around and see a google maps",
"car. i have dreamed of this day and it was",
"ruined. not only was i not able to pose it caught",
"me running/skipping/walking. i'm fairly sure i",
"saw the driver laughing hysterically.",
"anyone know how long it usually takes to update?"
] |
[
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] |
running/skipping/walking to try to catch up to get any worse i turn around and see a google maps
|
29 | 8 | 0.83 | 29 |
i was talking to an internet friend and said something extremely negative that really freaked him out (although i didn't know then that it did) and then immediately went and took a shower. i came back 30 minutes later to about 20 messages from him and a friend i know in real life asking if i was okay, telling me not to do it. turns out my internet friend took it that i'm about to kill myself, and sent my irl friend a few frantic messages describing the situation. by the time i came back from my shower my real friend was already halfway to my house... i couldn't convince him i was okay.
he drove to my house and we had a long conversation, mostly of me convinving him that i am indeed not about to commit suicide.
cue lots of hugs, lots of apologies and a realization on my part that i am loved.
|
accidental suicide threat, didn't turn out as bad as expected.
|
sending some misunderstood texts, resulting in panic... then lots of hugs.
|
[
"i was talking to an internet friend and said",
"something extremely negative that really freaked",
"him out (although i didn't know then that it did)",
"and then immediately went and took a shower. i",
"came back 30 minutes later to about 20 messages",
"from him and a friend i know in real life asking",
"if i was okay, telling me not to do it. turns out",
"my internet friend took it that i'm about to kill",
"myself, and sent my irl friend a few frantic",
"messages describing the situation. by the time i",
"came back from my shower my real friend was",
"already halfway to my house... i couldn't",
"convince him i was okay.",
"he drove to my house and we had a long",
"conversation, mostly of me convinving him that i",
"am indeed not about to commit suicide.",
"cue lots of hugs, lots of apologies and a",
"realization on my part that i am loved."
] |
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him out (although i didn't know then that it did) am indeed not about to commit suicide.
|
0 | 6 | 0.54 | 0 |
dear reddit,
today, i made a fuck up. i woke up this morning like i do every other day. i rose from my slumber to walk outside in my dressing gown and smoke my first cigarette of the day. whilst smoking, i wondered how little fuel i had left in my zippo. i refill my lighter every few days with zippo brand fluid, and had finished the container 4 days before. i believed that i would be fine for another day or so.
i continued with my activities for the day, when i went to meet my girlfriend for lunch. we ate at subway, just so you're all aware. i had a steak & cheese on wheat bread, which although was placed in the toaster, was still quite "bready".
once i finished my sub, i walked outside to have a cigarette. i pulled my lighter out. *sshht* *sshht*. "fuck, i'm out of petrol".
we walked to at least 6 shops, where they sell authentic zippo fluid, but none had any stock. i decided to go to the market, as there is a stall that sells lighters, rolling papers, blunt wraps, pipes etc. i saw, on the shelf, a bottle of lighter fluid. not zippo, or ronsonol, but "clipper". which is seen as quite a reliable brand in the uk.
i didn't hesitate to buy said fuel as soon as i heard the price was a third of the price of proper zippo fuel.
i was looking forward to having a smoke, so i quickly filled my lighter, but i knew something was amiss. the smell was pungent, and stung the nostrils. it smelt like pure gasoline. i decided, "fuck it", lit a lucky strike and was blown away by the disgusting taste in my mouth. this smoke wasn't smooth or satisfying, but was laced with chemical and disappointment. i regretted my purchase immediately.
yours,
daringconfection
|
i bought rocket fuel for my lighter and it tastes like shit.
|
buying a cheaper bottle of lighter fluid
|
[
"dear reddit,",
"today, i made a fuck up. i woke up this morning",
"like i do every other day. i rose from my slumber",
"to walk outside in my dressing gown and smoke my",
"first cigarette of the day. whilst smoking, i",
"wondered how little fuel i had left in my zippo.",
"i refill my lighter every few days with zippo",
"brand fluid, and had finished the container 4",
"days before. i believed that i would be fine for",
"another day or so.",
"i continued with my activities for the day, when",
"i went to meet my girlfriend for lunch. we ate at",
"subway, just so you're all aware. i had a steak &",
"cheese on wheat bread, which although was placed",
"in the toaster, was still quite \"bready\".",
"once i finished my sub, i walked outside to have",
"a cigarette. i pulled my lighter out. *sshht*",
"*sshht*. \"fuck, i'm out of petrol\".",
"we walked to at least 6 shops, where they sell",
"authentic zippo fluid, but none had any stock. i",
"decided to go to the market, as there is a stall",
"that sells lighters, rolling papers, blunt wraps,",
"pipes etc. i saw, on the shelf, a bottle of",
"lighter fluid. not zippo, or ronsonol, but",
"\"clipper\". which is seen as quite a reliable",
"brand in the uk.",
"i didn't hesitate to buy said fuel as soon as i",
"heard the price was a third of the price of",
"proper zippo fuel.",
"i was looking forward to having a smoke, so i",
"quickly filled my lighter, but i knew something",
"was amiss. the smell was pungent, and stung the",
"nostrils. it smelt like pure gasoline. i decided,",
"\"fuck it\", lit a lucky strike and was blown away",
"by the disgusting taste in my mouth. this smoke",
"wasn't smooth or satisfying, but was laced with",
"chemical and disappointment. i regretted my",
"purchase immediately.",
"yours,\ndaringconfection"
] |
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] |
a cigarette. i pulled my lighter out. *sshht* nostrils. it smelt like pure gasoline. i decided,
|
301 | 36 | 0.88 | 301 |
i read a post on reddit recently about a guy who fucked a jar of peanut butter and i thought about how awesome that would feel.
so earlier today when my housemates were all out and i had a bit of me time, i decided i'd try it out. i figured i'd just throw it away when i'm done and buy a new jar, no harm done. unfortunately we didn't have any peanut butter in the house, but at the back of the cupboard i did find an old jar of hotdog relish that hadn't been used in about 9 months. i seem to recall it tasting pretty disgusting, but the chunky texture seemed perfect for my activities.
little did i realise that this particular brand of hotdog relish contains mustard, and about 10 seconds into the activity my member started to feel a bit hot, and about 15 seconds in i was running to the cold tap because it felt like my cock had been stung by a swarm of angry japanese wasps.
|
i need a girlfriend that isn't condiment based
|
fucking a jar of relish
|
[
"i read a post on reddit recently about a guy who",
"fucked a jar of peanut butter and i thought about",
"how awesome that would feel.",
"so earlier today when my housemates were all out",
"and i had a bit of me time, i decided i'd try it",
"out. i figured i'd just throw it away when i'm",
"done and buy a new jar, no harm done.",
"unfortunately we didn't have any peanut butter in",
"the house, but at the back of the cupboard i did",
"find an old jar of hotdog relish that hadn't been",
"used in about 9 months. i seem to recall it",
"tasting pretty disgusting, but the chunky texture",
"seemed perfect for my activities.",
"little did i realise that this particular brand",
"of hotdog relish contains mustard, and about 10",
"seconds into the activity my member started to",
"feel a bit hot, and about 15 seconds in i was",
"running to the cold tap because it felt like my",
"cock had been stung by a swarm of angry japanese",
"wasps."
] |
[
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] |
little did i realise that this particular brand
|
31 | 17 | 0.79 | 31 |
i am 25 and a sophomore in college. i am typically fairly competent when it comes to social interaction. i outgrew my "that guy" stage years ago, and now i get to silently cringe in class when someone else is being "that guy" and running their stupid goddamn mouth about some shit they don't even understand.
so today was going very well. i had math class at the crack of dawn, because fuck you brain. we jumped right into some new stuff that i hadn't seen before. i didn't get through all the problems in class but i was happy that i at least understood the material for the most part.
then it was off to political science. again, things went well. turns out the teacher is german, which is fun because i speak a little german. we had a nice conversation before class (in german) and then, of course, i quieted down as class got going and just politely took notes. this is the class that had a couple "that guy"s in it saying things like, "i don't know if you're aware, *professor*, but wikipedia is telling me that there are actually more than two political parties in america."
side note: you sound incredibly stupid and arrogant when you say things like this. i don't know who you are, back row crocodile dundee hat guy, but you seem to be a douche and i can feel the palpable cringe settle on the room when you talk.
anyway, i had another nice chat with the professor after class, then i had an awesome workout, showered and changed and hung out with friends for a bit while i finished my math homework. at this point i'm elated because the first day of school last year i hadn't slept at all, had tripped multiple times in front of cute girls, kept saying *incredibly* stupid things in class because i was sleep deprived and over caffeinated...it was just a mess.
then i went to my last class of the day, anthropology. so i'm sitting there like, "ah yeah, i'm totally going to get through the entire day without saying anything stupid! this is like a first for me."
just about 3/4 of the way through class, the professor is trying to get this website to work. i happen to know that this website doesn't require you to put "www" in the url, which the professor keeps doing.
so i know that the browser would still know how to resolve the site, and the site must be down. the professor tries with multiple browsers, because people think that changes something for some reason, and of course the site is down so we get no response.
i could have just let her keep trying for like *20 more seconds* and then she would have given up and moved on, but noooooo, i had to loudly *blurt* out, "uh, see, 'www' is the top level domain, so you don't need to put that there, and uh, 'http://' isn't needed either because the browser knows how to resolve the host'."
at this point i realize two things: i'm being that guy, and i don't know what the fuck i'm even talking about. seriously, i have no idea if any of that is even remotely accurate. my brain evidently decided that the whole class just *had* to hear me be all fancy and techy. goddamn it.
so the professor rolls her eyes and goes, "yes, *thank you*. i'll ask for your help when i need it, though", and the whole class snickers.
i almost made it, but i fumbled the social ball in the last fifteen minutes :(
nobody will even remember this next class, but nobody likes to be publicly shamed. why can't i just keep my mouth shut? it's one thing to participate in class discussions, it's another to be an obnoxious know-it-all.
ninja edit: i just read through this again, and i realize that i'm coming off a bit asperger-y. i think that's just because i'm exhausted from the long day and the change in my sleep schedule. i'm a pretty normal guy. i work out a lot, play guitar and party with my friends. i even have decent luck with the ladies. i'm just a little sensitive to committing faux pas and i tend to be really hard on myself about them.
|
i was a loudmouthed know-it-all in my final class for the day even though i promised myself i wouldn't be, and as a result i was very mildly publicly shamed. so now i stick out in this class when i would have otherwise been fine. people will forget, but i am trying to keep these kinds of incidents to a minimum. i'm actually working hard on being a more socially graceful person. i feel like when i talk i try too hard to sound intelligent, which just makes me sound insecure. confident people don't feel the need to drop ten-dollar-words all the time, because they know they have the "green light" socially to say what's on their mind. or something like that.
|
breaking the one rule i had for the first day back to college: don't blurt out something stupid in class.
|
[
"i am 25 and a sophomore in college. i am typically",
"fairly competent when it comes to social",
"interaction. i outgrew my \"that guy\" stage years",
"ago, and now i get to silently cringe in class",
"when someone else is being \"that guy\" and running",
"their stupid goddamn mouth about some shit they",
"don't even understand.",
"so today was going very well. i had math class at",
"the crack of dawn, because fuck you brain. we",
"jumped right into some new stuff that i hadn't",
"seen before. i didn't get through all the",
"problems in class but i was happy that i at least",
"understood the material for the most part.",
"then it was off to political science. again,",
"things went well. turns out the teacher is",
"german, which is fun because i speak a little",
"german. we had a nice conversation before class",
"(in german) and then, of course, i quieted down",
"as class got going and just politely took notes.",
"this is the class that had a couple \"that guy\"s",
"in it saying things like, \"i don't know if you're",
"aware, *professor*, but wikipedia is telling me",
"that there are actually more than two political",
"parties in america.\"",
"side note: you sound incredibly stupid and",
"arrogant when you say things like this. i don't",
"know who you are, back row crocodile dundee hat",
"guy, but you seem to be a douche and i can feel",
"the palpable cringe settle on the room when you",
"talk.",
"anyway, i had another nice chat with the",
"professor after class, then i had an awesome",
"workout, showered and changed and hung out with",
"friends for a bit while i finished my math",
"homework. at this point i'm elated because the",
"first day of school last year i hadn't slept at",
"all, had tripped multiple times in front of cute",
"girls, kept saying *incredibly* stupid things in",
"class because i was sleep deprived and over",
"caffeinated...it was just a mess.",
"then i went to my last class of the day,",
"anthropology. so i'm sitting there like, \"ah",
"yeah, i'm totally going to get through the entire",
"day without saying anything stupid! this is like",
"a first for me.\"",
"just about 3/4 of the way through class, the",
"professor is trying to get this website to work.",
"i happen to know that this website doesn't",
"require you to put \"www\" in the url, which the",
"professor keeps doing.",
"so i know that the browser would still know how",
"to resolve the site, and the site must be down.",
"the professor tries with multiple browsers,",
"because people think that changes something for",
"some reason, and of course the site is down so we",
"get no response.",
"i could have just let her keep trying for like",
"*20 more seconds* and then she would have given",
"up and moved on, but noooooo, i had to loudly",
"*blurt* out, \"uh, see, 'www' is the top level",
"domain, so you don't need to put that there, and",
"uh, 'http://' isn't needed either because the",
"browser knows how to resolve the host'.\"",
"at this point i realize two things: i'm being",
"that guy, and i don't know what the fuck i'm even",
"talking about. seriously, i have no idea if any",
"of that is even remotely accurate. my brain",
"evidently decided that the whole class just *had*",
"to hear me be all fancy and techy. goddamn it.",
"so the professor rolls her eyes and goes, \"yes,",
"*thank you*. i'll ask for your help when i need",
"it, though\", and the whole class snickers.",
"i almost made it, but i fumbled the social ball",
"in the last fifteen minutes :(",
"nobody will even remember this next class, but",
"nobody likes to be publicly shamed. why can't i",
"just keep my mouth shut? it's one thing to",
"participate in class discussions, it's another to",
"be an obnoxious know-it-all.",
"ninja edit: i just read through this again, and i",
"realize that i'm coming off a bit asperger-y. i",
"think that's just because i'm exhausted from the",
"long day and the change in my sleep schedule. i'm",
"a pretty normal guy. i work out a lot, play",
"guitar and party with my friends. i even have",
"decent luck with the ladies. i'm just a little",
"sensitive to committing faux pas and i tend to be",
"really hard on myself about them."
] |
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ago, and now i get to silently cringe in class seen before. i didn't get through all the problems in class but i was happy that i at least arrogant when you say things like this. i don't talk. then i went to my last class of the day, a first for me." because people think that changes something for i could have just let her keep trying for like *20 more seconds* and then she would have given domain, so you don't need to put that there, and that guy, and i don't know what the fuck i'm even nobody likes to be publicly shamed. why can't i really hard on myself about them.
|
16 | 2 | 0.81 | 16 |
hey guys. hope you're having a good night so far.
today, i was on my way to a job interview. last night, i ate about half a bag of spicy nacho doritos and about 10 hot wings leftover from lunch. my stomach had a bit of the gurgles all morning. i didn't think anything of it as i was driving.
next thing i know, boom. traffic jam. fucking shit. oh well, least i've got some decent music playing and i was gonna be hella early for my interview. the fart comes on and i roll the windows down in preparation.
then it hits me. i feel the molten lava seep between my lower cheeks. i can feel the blood draining from my face. i stop by a grocery store that was on the way and sprint into the restroom. my scumbag rectum had soaked my boxers but left no trace on my pants. i tossed the boxers, cleaned myself as best as i could and went to my interview. i think i got the job.
|
don't trust a fart. ever.
|
trusting a fart
|
[
"hey guys. hope you're having a good night so far.",
"today, i was on my way to a job interview. last",
"night, i ate about half a bag of spicy nacho",
"doritos and about 10 hot wings leftover from",
"lunch. my stomach had a bit of the gurgles all",
"morning. i didn't think anything of it as i was",
"driving.",
"next thing i know, boom. traffic jam. fucking",
"shit. oh well, least i've got some decent music",
"playing and i was gonna be hella early for my",
"interview. the fart comes on and i roll the",
"windows down in preparation.",
"then it hits me. i feel the molten lava seep",
"between my lower cheeks. i can feel the blood",
"draining from my face. i stop by a grocery store",
"that was on the way and sprint into the restroom.",
"my scumbag rectum had soaked my boxers but left",
"no trace on my pants. i tossed the boxers,",
"cleaned myself as best as i could and went to my",
"interview. i think i got the job."
] |
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interview. the fart comes on and i roll the
|
53 | 23 | 0.89 | 53 |
this actually happened a few months ago, but i've been so embarrassed that i waited a while before posting.
backstory: two weeks before the actual story i got very very sick. i ran to the bathroom with horrible stomach cramps, barely made it in time. after cleaning up and zipping up my pants the cramps came again, this time only worse. imagine someone reaching into your gut and just twisting the hell out of your stomach and intestines. it hurt so bad i fell to my knees and just began moaning. then i just slumped to the floor in the fetal position.
this is how my teenage son found me. laying there, curled up in the fetal position, on the bathroom floor. i couldn't talk, could barely shake my head yes or no. my son is freaking out asking if he should call an ambulance. i am in exquisite pain, but being a nurse i didn't think it was anything that needed immediate attention. while writhing on the floor and only able to make moaning noises (and occasionally screaming out in pain) i manage to shake my head no. my son is still scared but thankfully he doesn't call 911. after 5-10 min (it felt more like an hour) of this torture it finally passed, leaving me weak as a baby. i put it down to possible food poisoning.
fast forward two weeks: i am getting a shower and i open a bottle of body wash i had bought. this is the same body wash i use at my so's house. i am in ldr so sex is only about once every two months. ( i am sure you can see where this is going). after sex i usually get a shower and use the same body wash.
using this body wash brings back wonderful sexy time memories. having a removable shower head, and the smell of this wonderful body wash i proceed to take care of myself. the mind is a wonderful thing and scent is one of the most powerful senses. i just lose myself in the warm water and vivid memories.
then i start to climax. as many women will tell you, when you reach that really strong, amazing climax that makes your legs weak and shake, it is sometimes hard to keep quiet. i guess i got a little loud. enjoying the moment, i just keep going with the moans, the legs quivering until i reach the peak and just let it all out. that's when i hear my son banging at the door yelling.
thank god we have a door that locks. yelling out that everything was ok i proceeded to dry off and exit the bathroom, where my teenage son is just walking out of his room. his face gets all red and he looks away. i know he knows, and now he knows that i know he knows... we haven't mentioned it since.
edit: spelling mistakes
|
teenage son thought i was dying when in reality i was just enjoying a very good shower.
|
enjoying my shower gel just a little too much.
|
[
"this actually happened a few months ago, but i've",
"been so embarrassed that i waited a while before",
"posting.",
"backstory: two weeks before the actual story i",
"got very very sick. i ran to the bathroom with",
"horrible stomach cramps, barely made it in time.",
"after cleaning up and zipping up my pants the",
"cramps came again, this time only worse. imagine",
"someone reaching into your gut and just twisting",
"the hell out of your stomach and intestines. it",
"hurt so bad i fell to my knees and just began",
"moaning. then i just slumped to the floor in the",
"fetal position.",
"this is how my teenage son found me. laying",
"there, curled up in the fetal position, on the",
"bathroom floor. i couldn't talk, could barely",
"shake my head yes or no. my son is freaking out",
"asking if he should call an ambulance. i am in",
"exquisite pain, but being a nurse i didn't think",
"it was anything that needed immediate attention.",
"while writhing on the floor and only able to make",
"moaning noises (and occasionally screaming out in",
"pain) i manage to shake my head no. my son is",
"still scared but thankfully he doesn't call 911.",
"after 5-10 min (it felt more like an hour) of",
"this torture it finally passed, leaving me weak",
"as a baby. i put it down to possible food",
"poisoning.",
"fast forward two weeks: i am getting a shower",
"and i open a bottle of body wash i had bought.",
"this is the same body wash i use at my so's",
"house. i am in ldr so sex is only about once",
"every two months. ( i am sure you can see where",
"this is going). after sex i usually get a shower",
"and use the same body wash.",
"using this body wash brings back wonderful sexy",
"time memories. having a removable shower head,",
"and the smell of this wonderful body wash i",
"proceed to take care of myself. the mind is a",
"wonderful thing and scent is one of the most",
"powerful senses. i just lose myself in the warm",
"water and vivid memories.",
"then i start to climax. as many women will tell",
"you, when you reach that really strong, amazing",
"climax that makes your legs weak and shake, it is",
"sometimes hard to keep quiet. i guess i got a",
"little loud. enjoying the moment, i just keep",
"going with the moans, the legs quivering until i",
"reach the peak and just let it all out. that's",
"when i hear my son banging at the door yelling.",
"thank god we have a door that locks. yelling out",
"that everything was ok i proceeded to dry off and",
"exit the bathroom, where my teenage son is just",
"walking out of his room. his face gets all red",
"and he looks away. i know he knows, and now he",
"knows that i know he knows... we haven't",
"mentioned it since.",
"edit: spelling mistakes"
] |
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fast forward two weeks: i am getting a shower exit the bathroom, where my teenage son is just
|
535 | 124 | 0.93 | 535 |
(this actually happened yesterday.)
i've been dating this guy for about six months, and things are going great so he finally asks me to have dinner with his family. i agree, and here i am at sunday dinner with this guy and his entire family at his grandmothers house.
now before dinner begins, my boyfriend tells me that once dinner starts, there's no leaving the table until everyone is finished, just a rule of the household. kind of odd, but whatever i'm cool with that. now, i imagined their dinner was like my family's dinner, one course and in 20 minutes everyone is done. nope. this family had a full on four-course dinner. we started out with salads, moved on to soup, then the main course, then dessert. half way through soup i realize i have to take a piss. but i can't excuse myself to the bathroom until everyone is done with *every course.*
by the time the main course got there, i was acting like a straight up 5 year old pulling the hand-in-crotch position to prevent from pissing myself. i play it off saying my hands are cold. now, i mentioned earlier that his grandma and grandpa were there. they are *the slowest eaters ever.* i'm breaking out in a cold sweat, practically bouncing out of my chair trying to prevent the piss from coming out. and they are just quietly enjoying their delicious dinner, asking me questions about my classes, what i'm studying, etc. but only thing i could focus on was my need to keep my pants dry.
finally. dinner is over. i quietly excuse myself, and as soon as i'm out of everyone's sight i start waddling like a penguin holding onto my crotch so i don't piss myself. i reach the bathroom, i slam the door shut and stumble across the bathroom while simultaneously pulling down my pants. i reach the toilet, turn around, and sit my ass down. except something didn't feel right. as i crossed the bathroom, i knocked down a bunch of shit. well, the toilet lid was down and i accidentally knocked some hand towels on top of the toilet lid. when i plopped my ass down on the toilet, i neglected to put the toilet lid up. i was sitting on top of the toilet lid in a puddle of my piss, on top of hand towels drenched in my piss, and my piss is dripping down the sides of the toilet and pooling up at the base of the toilet.
i'm in full on panic mode, and i decide to just admit to my boyfriend what i did, so he could help me fix this fuck up. i text him telling him i'm in a situation in the bathroom. he comes in and i'm standing there with my pants around my ankles standing next to his grandma's toilet that's covered in my piss. we both kind of laugh, but i do end up crying a little. he helps me clean it up before anyone else see's what happened. when he sees that i pissed all over the hand towels, he decides to make me feel even worse by telling me that those hand towels were hand stitched and embroidered by his grandma. she had spent months on them apparently. after he laughed at the situation a bit more, he slipped the hand towels into his grandma's hamper in her bedroom (i'm so sorry!) and then we went back downstairs and joined his family in a card game. it's like it never happened.
i'm sure one day my boyfriend and i can look back on what happened in his grandma's bathroom and laugh about it, but we still haven't talked about it. i'm still trying to find my dignity.
|
i'm wearing an adult diaper the next time i eat sunday dinner with my boyfriend's family.
|
pissing all over my boyfriend's grandma's bathroom and on her hand-embroidered hand towels.
|
[
"(this actually happened yesterday.)",
"i've been dating this guy for about six months,",
"and things are going great so he finally asks me",
"to have dinner with his family. i agree, and",
"here i am at sunday dinner with this guy and his",
"entire family at his grandmothers house.",
"now before dinner begins, my boyfriend tells me",
"that once dinner starts, there's no leaving the",
"table until everyone is finished, just a rule of",
"the household. kind of odd, but whatever i'm",
"cool with that. now, i imagined their dinner was",
"like my family's dinner, one course and in 20",
"minutes everyone is done. nope. this family had",
"a full on four-course dinner. we started out",
"with salads, moved on to soup, then the main",
"course, then dessert. half way through soup i",
"realize i have to take a piss. but i can't",
"excuse myself to the bathroom until everyone is",
"done with *every course.*",
"by the time the main course got there, i was",
"acting like a straight up 5 year old pulling the",
"hand-in-crotch position to prevent from pissing",
"myself. i play it off saying my hands are cold.",
"now, i mentioned earlier that his grandma and",
"grandpa were there. they are *the slowest eaters",
"ever.* i'm breaking out in a cold sweat,",
"practically bouncing out of my chair trying to",
"prevent the piss from coming out. and they are",
"just quietly enjoying their delicious dinner,",
"asking me questions about my classes, what i'm",
"studying, etc. but only thing i could focus on",
"was my need to keep my pants dry.",
"finally. dinner is over. i quietly excuse",
"myself, and as soon as i'm out of everyone's",
"sight i start waddling like a penguin holding",
"onto my crotch so i don't piss myself. i reach",
"the bathroom, i slam the door shut and stumble",
"across the bathroom while simultaneously pulling",
"down my pants. i reach the toilet, turn around,",
"and sit my ass down. except something didn't feel",
"right. as i crossed the bathroom, i knocked down",
"a bunch of shit. well, the toilet lid was down",
"and i accidentally knocked some hand towels on",
"top of the toilet lid. when i plopped my ass",
"down on the toilet, i neglected to put the toilet",
"lid up. i was sitting on top of the toilet lid",
"in a puddle of my piss, on top of hand towels",
"drenched in my piss, and my piss is dripping down",
"the sides of the toilet and pooling up at the",
"base of the toilet.",
"i'm in full on panic mode, and i decide to just",
"admit to my boyfriend what i did, so he could",
"help me fix this fuck up. i text him telling him",
"i'm in a situation in the bathroom. he comes in",
"and i'm standing there with my pants around my",
"ankles standing next to his grandma's toilet",
"that's covered in my piss. we both kind of",
"laugh, but i do end up crying a little. he helps",
"me clean it up before anyone else see's what",
"happened. when he sees that i pissed all over",
"the hand towels, he decides to make me feel even",
"worse by telling me that those hand towels were",
"hand stitched and embroidered by his grandma.",
"she had spent months on them apparently. after",
"he laughed at the situation a bit more, he",
"slipped the hand towels into his grandma's hamper",
"in her bedroom (i'm so sorry!) and then we went",
"back downstairs and joined his family in a card",
"game. it's like it never happened.",
"i'm sure one day my boyfriend and i can look back",
"on what happened in his grandma's bathroom and",
"laugh about it, but we still haven't talked about",
"it. i'm still trying to find my dignity."
] |
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here i am at sunday dinner with this guy and his and i'm standing there with my pants around my
|
155 | 25 | 0.9 | 155 |
a little background first: i take chinese class online in school, so we don't have a teacher in the room, just someone supervising us. he is able to view what is on our computer screens through a program on his computer. also, since i'm ahead in the class, i often go on reddit, usually askreddit or this one since imgur is blocked at my school.
anyways, today, as usual i was on tifu, reading "tifu by not letting the dog out." as i was reading, my teacher said "that is a very inappropriate site you are on, leave it now." in my panic, i hit the back button, and the story in the middle of the screen was "tifu by telling my girlfriend that i got a lap dance at my buddy's bachelor party." he then raised his voice and said "get off now, i don't ever want to see you on a site like that ever again." now reddit is blocked at the school, and its all thanks to my idiocy.
|
i went on this subreddit in school and got reddit blocked.
|
going on tifu
|
[
"a little background first: i take chinese class",
"online in school, so we don't have a teacher in",
"the room, just someone supervising us. he is able",
"to view what is on our computer screens through a",
"program on his computer. also, since i'm ahead in",
"the class, i often go on reddit, usually",
"askreddit or this one since imgur is blocked at",
"my school.",
"anyways, today, as usual i was on tifu, reading",
"\"tifu by not letting the dog out.\" as i was",
"reading, my teacher said \"that is a very",
"inappropriate site you are on, leave it now.\" in",
"my panic, i hit the back button, and the story in",
"the middle of the screen was \"tifu by telling my",
"girlfriend that i got a lap dance at my buddy's",
"bachelor party.\" he then raised his voice and",
"said \"get off now, i don't ever want to see you",
"on a site like that ever again.\" now reddit is",
"blocked at the school, and its all thanks to my",
"idiocy."
] |
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the class, i often go on reddit, usually blocked at the school, and its all thanks to my
|
37 | 7 | 0.89 | 37 |
i had just finished my lunch break and had a large root beer with it. i was put at drive thru window. one of the first cars is smaller and has parked further away than they should from the window, so i have to lean on the ledge and stretch to reach them. i pressed my stomach up to the ledge to reach out the window to get her money. i strain and let out a sound of effort to reach the customer's hand, and immediately following that sound was an unexpected, wet belch. she is clearly repulsed as i stammer out multiple apologies. i go back in the window and wait awkwardly for her food to be ready, avoiding eye contact with her and listening to my coworkers killing themselves with laughter. i open the window again to hand it to her, more apologies flying out of my mouth. she glares and calls me a fucking disgusting pig, then speeds off.
|
don't work a drive thru window after drinking a large pop.
|
belching in a customer's face
|
[
"i had just finished my lunch break and had a large",
"root beer with it. i was put at drive thru",
"window. one of the first cars is smaller and has",
"parked further away than they should from the",
"window, so i have to lean on the ledge and",
"stretch to reach them. i pressed my stomach up to",
"the ledge to reach out the window to get her",
"money. i strain and let out a sound of effort to",
"reach the customer's hand, and immediately",
"following that sound was an unexpected, wet",
"belch. she is clearly repulsed as i stammer out",
"multiple apologies. i go back in the window and",
"wait awkwardly for her food to be ready, avoiding",
"eye contact with her and listening to my",
"coworkers killing themselves with laughter. i",
"open the window again to hand it to her, more",
"apologies flying out of my mouth. she glares and",
"calls me a fucking disgusting pig, then speeds",
"off."
] |
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i had just finished my lunch break and had a large root beer with it. i was put at drive thru
|
127 | 14 | 0.96 | 127 |
last night i was out with friends, and we all had off the next day(today). so we decided to drive to m's house and get plastered then have the dd take us to get chinese food. i guess at one point during the night my manager asked me to sub for one of my coworkers on... you guessed it,
today!! and drunk me thought "hey i need the money, go for it" but when i woke up today at 4 am to open the pool at a little place called [home] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cs9oo0s5w2k) but when i woke up this morning it took every ounce of determination in my body not to puke. so i clock in and do my typical opening duties and then i get up in the stand, my first shift (5 to 6) was alright except for the chinese was churning in my stomach for 45 minutes and it was getting worse, and at this time it was when the parents were bringing in their children for swim lessons around 5:50. and as i looked down at the child trying to hand me something i burped and then that was followed by a massive jet stream of beef and broccoli and lemon lime gator-aid right onto the poor childs face.... and into the pool....that i had to then close and clean.
*edit* its better to listen to the link while reading this post
|
got drunk, and puked on a child**
|
i puked on a child
|
[
"last night i was out with friends, and we all had",
"off the next day(today). so we decided to drive",
"to m's house and get plastered then have the dd",
"take us to get chinese food. i guess at one point",
"during the night my manager asked me to sub for",
"one of my coworkers on... you guessed it,",
"today!! and drunk me thought \"hey i need the",
"money, go for it\" but when i woke up today at 4",
"am to open the pool at a little place called",
"[home]",
"(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cs9oo0s5w2k) but",
"when i woke up this morning it took every ounce",
"of determination in my body not to puke. so i",
"clock in and do my typical opening duties and",
"then i get up in the stand, my first shift (5 to",
"6) was alright except for the chinese was",
"churning in my stomach for 45 minutes and it was",
"getting worse, and at this time it was when the",
"parents were bringing in their children for swim",
"lessons around 5:50. and as i looked down at the",
"child trying to hand me something i burped and",
"then that was followed by a massive jet stream of",
"beef and broccoli and lemon lime gator-aid right",
"onto the poor childs face.... and into the",
"pool....that i had to then close and clean.",
"*edit* its better to listen to the link while",
"reading this post"
] |
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today!! and drunk me thought "hey i need the
|
39 | 10 | 0.89 | 39 |
while my brother is in town from graduate school, his dog (modello) has been staying at my house until he finally moves for his new job. i already have a dog of my own (samuel), but modello and samuel get along great. they bark at people walking by the window, causin' a ruckus; they're best friends. my brother is living somewhere else where modello can't stay, so i've kind of adopted him. modello treats me just like he does his owner. he always gets excited when i come home. he's the kind of dog that hugs you hello because he's just so happy to see you. but i only allow that if i tell him it's alright to, otherwise he'll gain a habit of jumping up on people.
sam is well behaved. he has a booming bark, but other than that, he's super nice.
modello is the same way for the most part, but he has a problem of getting into the garbage when people are gone. so when i come home and notice he's rummaged through my bin, i flip shit, and he cowers because he knows he's done something wrong.
so today...
the house is empty aside from samuel and modello. i come home after 6 hours of being away and modello rushes up to me, starts jumping up and i'm like "no. you don't give me hugs unless i tell you it's okay". but he's still freaking out. continuing to jump up. i'm getting tired of his shit. he's pacing back and forth. i'm assuming he wanted out to the backyard so that he can bark at the neighbor's dogs. "calm down. god damn". i let him out and he bolts it. there's no dogs outside. nobody to bark at. why did he want out so damn bad? "i guess he must have needed to pee really bad". i walk back towards my room and smell something foul. "no... please god". i turn to my right, look to the floor, and notice [a steaming mudpie of shit](http://www.imgur.com/le4uxos.jpg). it reeked. i couldn't stop gagging it was so bad. i let modello back inside and he looked so upset. he tries jumping up to give me a hug as if he's apologizing. he really fucked up, and he knew it. i actually felt bad because he must have been holding that shit in for too long. thankfully, and i feel like this was on purpose, he aimed most of it onto a disposable piece of plastic. that helped with cleaning up the mess. good job, modello. it could have been way worse. he could have spread it around the floors/furniture.
next time, i'll make sure you take a shit before i leave, modello.
|
my dog shit his pants.
|
not letting the dog out.
|
[
"while my brother is in town from graduate school,",
"his dog (modello) has been staying at my house",
"until he finally moves for his new job. i already",
"have a dog of my own (samuel), but modello and",
"samuel get along great. they bark at people",
"walking by the window, causin' a ruckus; they're",
"best friends. my brother is living somewhere else",
"where modello can't stay, so i've kind of adopted",
"him. modello treats me just like he does his",
"owner. he always gets excited when i come home.",
"he's the kind of dog that hugs you hello because",
"he's just so happy to see you. but i only allow",
"that if i tell him it's alright to, otherwise",
"he'll gain a habit of jumping up on people.",
"sam is well behaved. he has a booming bark, but",
"other than that, he's super nice.",
"modello is the same way for the most part, but he",
"has a problem of getting into the garbage when",
"people are gone. so when i come home and notice",
"he's rummaged through my bin, i flip shit, and he",
"cowers because he knows he's done something",
"wrong.",
"so today...",
"the house is empty aside from samuel and modello.",
"i come home after 6 hours of being away and",
"modello rushes up to me, starts jumping up and",
"i'm like \"no. you don't give me hugs unless i",
"tell you it's okay\". but he's still freaking out.",
"continuing to jump up. i'm getting tired of his",
"shit. he's pacing back and forth. i'm assuming he",
"wanted out to the backyard so that he can bark at",
"the neighbor's dogs. \"calm down. god damn\". i let",
"him out and he bolts it. there's no dogs outside.",
"nobody to bark at. why did he want out so damn",
"bad? \"i guess he must have needed to pee really",
"bad\". i walk back towards my room and smell",
"something foul. \"no... please god\". i turn to my",
"right, look to the floor, and notice [a steaming",
"mudpie of",
"shit](http://www.imgur.com/le4uxos.jpg). it",
"reeked. i couldn't stop gagging it was so bad. i",
"let modello back inside and he looked so upset.",
"he tries jumping up to give me a hug as if he's",
"apologizing. he really fucked up, and he knew it.",
"i actually felt bad because he must have been",
"holding that shit in for too long. thankfully,",
"and i feel like this was on purpose, he aimed",
"most of it onto a disposable piece of plastic.",
"that helped with cleaning up the mess. good job,",
"modello. it could have been way worse. he could",
"have spread it around the floors/furniture.",
"next time, i'll make sure you take a shit before",
"i leave, modello."
] |
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his dog (modello) has been staying at my house
|
42 | 11 | 0.85 | 42 |
to clarify, i'm male and did not try to give another guy a blowjob.
so me and a bunch o my friends from my class decided to go downtown to celebrate the end of exams. we didn't have any plans for lunch, so when we saw a hot dog stand we went right the fuck ahead and picked up a few.
now, these being pretty long (6 1/2 or 7 inches), my considerably stupid friend dared me to try and eat one of these things in one bite. i, being just as or even more of a dumbshit, agreed and went ahead. bad choice. as the hot dog went in and the sausage touched the rear of throat, i felt a slight gagging sensation start to build up. this was obviously a natural warning sign of the body, but i ignored it anyhow and began to chew.
it appeared that i had horridly underestimated the amount of slopping wet mash that a single hot dog can produce. it crowded up my whole mouth, stretching into the rear of my mouth and aggrieving my gag reflex to the point where i had no choice but to spit everything out onto the paper towel that the stand had provided me with. i stood there hunched over coughing for a few seconds before i heard the disappointed awws of my fellow dumbshits.
deciding that i should not disappoint them, i then proceeded to smash the meat-chunk filled pinkish mass on the paper towel into my mouth, washing it down with half a bottle of soda. then came the noise. from around me, a rising crescendo of disgusted gasps of disbelief broken only by the cheers and hooting of my fellow dumbshits. turns out when i spit out the hot dog, **everyone** turned around and saw. they were still looking when i reate the sloppy remains.
but that wasn't the end of it. later during the night, through an unfortunate bowel movement i found that the hot dog was probably bad. luckily i made it to the washroom before my asshole erupted in a shit-rocket of explosive diarrhea.
|
don't eat food, spit it out then eat it again.**
|
attempting to deepthroat a hot dog
|
[
"to clarify, i'm male and did not try to give",
"another guy a blowjob.",
"so me and a bunch o my friends from my class",
"decided to go downtown to celebrate the end of",
"exams. we didn't have any plans for lunch, so",
"when we saw a hot dog stand we went right the",
"fuck ahead and picked up a few.",
"now, these being pretty long (6 1/2 or 7 inches),",
"my considerably stupid friend dared me to try and",
"eat one of these things in one bite. i, being",
"just as or even more of a dumbshit, agreed and",
"went ahead. bad choice. as the hot dog went in",
"and the sausage touched the rear of throat, i",
"felt a slight gagging sensation start to build",
"up. this was obviously a natural warning sign of",
"the body, but i ignored it anyhow and began to",
"chew.",
"it appeared that i had horridly underestimated",
"the amount of slopping wet mash that a single hot",
"dog can produce. it crowded up my whole mouth,",
"stretching into the rear of my mouth and",
"aggrieving my gag reflex to the point where i had",
"no choice but to spit everything out onto the",
"paper towel that the stand had provided me with.",
"i stood there hunched over coughing for a few",
"seconds before i heard the disappointed awws of",
"my fellow dumbshits.",
"deciding that i should not disappoint them, i",
"then proceeded to smash the meat-chunk filled",
"pinkish mass on the paper towel into my mouth,",
"washing it down with half a bottle of soda. then",
"came the noise. from around me, a rising",
"crescendo of disgusted gasps of disbelief broken",
"only by the cheers and hooting of my fellow",
"dumbshits. turns out when i spit out the hot dog,",
"**everyone** turned around and saw. they were",
"still looking when i reate the sloppy remains.",
"but that wasn't the end of it. later during the",
"night, through an unfortunate bowel movement i",
"found that the hot dog was probably bad. luckily",
"i made it to the washroom before my asshole",
"erupted in a shit-rocket of explosive diarrhea."
] |
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no choice but to spit everything out onto the
|
3 | 8 | 0.65 | 3 |
fuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkk meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee sidewaaaaaaaaaaays!!
i am so unbelievably livid with myself at the moment, i want to clone myself so that i can just beat the shit out of myself.
i need to release this to the wonderful community of /r/tifu because you guys will already know that i'm a complete dumbass.
**short version of my backstory**: a lot of shit happened in my life, most of it honestly not my fault, some of it, completely my fault. anyway, life has thrown huge lemons at me in the form of debt, gargantuan amounts of debt. i was dodging everything for a long time but started getting my shit together at the beginning of this year. so basically i make 5 debt payments a month, it used to be 6, but i cleared it a couple of months ago (yay).
one of these payments is my auto insurance, which my mom has helped me with one and off every two months or so since she knows i'm struggling with money. well a 2 months ago she tells me all i have to do is pay july and august-october will be covered.
this is the first part that i fucked up. i shouldn't have agreed to let her do it, it's already embarrassing enough that she has to help me, and 3 months is a lot of money, she shouldn't have to pay that much just for me.
part 2 of my fuck up: i **didn't** check my account to make sure august was paid, so lo and behold now i have an extremely late payment and my agent has been trying to get a hold of me but i just find out today that he had the wrong email address all along. fuck. i don't know what the late policy is going to be for this one, i don't know if my insurance will be fucked now because of this.
the third part of my fuck up is that i should have just taken care of all this shit on my own from the get go. i hate that i let this happen, i shot myself in the foot and i deserve to just get it amputated at this point. i feel like a freaking dumbass.
i don't know how i'm going to be able to pay this off, i have a couple of payments coming up and rent and i'm freaking out. there's not enough time in a day for me to work and not enough money to make all of this go away.
i'm so dumb!!!!
**
thanks for letting me vent.
|
** missed my auto insurance payment because i'm irresponsible, now i'm freaking out because i don't know if i have enough money to cover the late policy and afford rent and my other payments for this month.
|
realized i missed one of my auto insurance payments
|
[
"fuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkk meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee",
"sidewaaaaaaaaaaays!!",
"i am so unbelievably livid with myself at the",
"moment, i want to clone myself so that i can just",
"beat the shit out of myself.",
"i need to release this to the wonderful community",
"of /r/tifu because you guys will already know",
"that i'm a complete dumbass.",
"**short version of my backstory**: a lot of shit",
"happened in my life, most of it honestly not my",
"fault, some of it, completely my fault. anyway,",
"life has thrown huge lemons at me in the form of",
"debt, gargantuan amounts of debt. i was dodging",
"everything for a long time but started getting my",
"shit together at the beginning of this year. so",
"basically i make 5 debt payments a month, it used",
"to be 6, but i cleared it a couple of months ago",
"(yay).",
"one of these payments is my auto insurance, which",
"my mom has helped me with one and off every two",
"months or so since she knows i'm struggling with",
"money. well a 2 months ago she tells me all i",
"have to do is pay july and august-october will be",
"covered.",
"this is the first part that i fucked up. i",
"shouldn't have agreed to let her do it, it's",
"already embarrassing enough that she has to help",
"me, and 3 months is a lot of money, she shouldn't",
"have to pay that much just for me.",
"part 2 of my fuck up: i **didn't** check my",
"account to make sure august was paid, so lo and",
"behold now i have an extremely late payment and",
"my agent has been trying to get a hold of me but",
"i just find out today that he had the wrong email",
"address all along. fuck. i don't know what the",
"late policy is going to be for this one, i don't",
"know if my insurance will be fucked now because",
"of this.",
"the third part of my fuck up is that i should",
"have just taken care of all this shit on my own",
"from the get go. i hate that i let this happen,",
"i shot myself in the foot and i deserve to just",
"get it amputated at this point. i feel like a",
"freaking dumbass.",
"i don't know how i'm going to be able to pay this",
"off, i have a couple of payments coming up and",
"rent and i'm freaking out. there's not enough",
"time in a day for me to work and not enough money",
"to make all of this go away.",
"i'm so dumb!!!!\n\n**",
"thanks for letting me vent."
] |
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one of these payments is my auto insurance, which behold now i have an extremely late payment and late policy is going to be for this one, i don't know if my insurance will be fucked now because rent and i'm freaking out. there's not enough
|
1,247 | 505 | 0.9 | 1,247 |
after a night of partying we were all really (very) drunk, and were all making our way towards bed. being the responsible drunk that i am i cleaned up a few last minute things (because drunk cleaning is way better than sober cleaning) and then headed up to my room when i hear that my roommate is hooking up with one of the girls we were partying with. as drunk as i was i figured it was no big deal and i would just pass out in my bed (only like 5 feet away) and let them do their thing. i'm climbing into bed and i realize that my roommates little sister (who was partying with us too) is already there, but again due to the fact that i am drunk as shit i think nothing of it and just climb in too. for a few minutes we kinda laugh about the whole situation and then out of nowhere she starts making out with me. one thing leads to another and all of a sudden we're fucking with her older brother literally 5 feet from her. i have no idea if he knows (he was pretty preoccupied and we were keeping it quiet) and i have no idea if i should bring it up. tifu and i have no idea what i should do.
edit: and its totally chill!
|
fucked roommates little sister while he was in the room, not sure if he noticed
|
fucking my roommates little sister, while he was still in the room
|
[
"after a night of partying we were all really",
"(very) drunk, and were all making our way towards",
"bed. being the responsible drunk that i am i",
"cleaned up a few last minute things (because",
"drunk cleaning is way better than sober cleaning)",
"and then headed up to my room when i hear that my",
"roommate is hooking up with one of the girls we",
"were partying with. as drunk as i was i figured",
"it was no big deal and i would just pass out in",
"my bed (only like 5 feet away) and let them do",
"their thing. i'm climbing into bed and i realize",
"that my roommates little sister (who was partying",
"with us too) is already there, but again due to",
"the fact that i am drunk as shit i think nothing",
"of it and just climb in too. for a few minutes we",
"kinda laugh about the whole situation and then",
"out of nowhere she starts making out with me. one",
"thing leads to another and all of a sudden we're",
"fucking with her older brother literally 5 feet",
"from her. i have no idea if he knows (he was",
"pretty preoccupied and we were keeping it quiet)",
"and i have no idea if i should bring it up. tifu",
"and i have no idea what i should do.",
"edit: and its totally chill!"
] |
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that my roommates little sister (who was partying from her. i have no idea if he knows (he was
|
27 | 9 | 0.75 | 27 |
so i was running to the gym like i usually do, and on the way i had my nike+ app turned on and my headphones in and i was jamming. as i was running down one road to get off base, there's another path that curves around some foliage that makes it impossible to see other people walking. be that as it may, i had no shame to sing along to one of my favorite songs by the lonely island, "dick in a box".
as i'm running down this road, it's the beginning of my run and i still had a lot of stamina, so i had all of my breath with me and wasn't panting, therefore, my singing was extremely loud. of course, as life would have it, a group of people were walking around that other path, and as i reached the intersection i see them laughing their asses off.
caught, with nothing else to say i go for the canadian approach and say, "sorry it's my jam" and sprint off to get away from the scene.
it was a good day lol.
|
i was singing dick in a box while i ran to the gym and people heard me and laughed at/with me.
|
loudly singing "dick in a box" while i ran.
|
[
"so i was running to the gym like i usually do, and",
"on the way i had my nike+ app turned on and my",
"headphones in and i was jamming. as i was running",
"down one road to get off base, there's another",
"path that curves around some foliage that makes",
"it impossible to see other people walking. be",
"that as it may, i had no shame to sing along to",
"one of my favorite songs by the lonely island,",
"\"dick in a box\".",
"as i'm running down this road, it's the beginning",
"of my run and i still had a lot of stamina, so i",
"had all of my breath with me and wasn't panting,",
"therefore, my singing was extremely loud. of",
"course, as life would have it, a group of people",
"were walking around that other path, and as i",
"reached the intersection i see them laughing",
"their asses off.",
"caught, with nothing else to say i go for the",
"canadian approach and say, \"sorry it's my jam\"",
"and sprint off to get away from the scene.",
"it was a good day lol."
] |
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so i was running to the gym like i usually do, and "dick in a box".
|
22 | 8 | 0.78 | 22 |
this actually happened 2 years ago during summer but i didn't know about reddit yet.
it was a normal day in the summer and my friend invited me to go out in the
afternoon and he was coming to pick me up. i lost track of time and he was waiting outside. i don't normally like making people wait so i rushed into the washroom after realizing i forgot to shave. i lathered my shaving cream on my face and started shaving. i use the gillette proglide with 5 blades. once i finished shaving, i had a great idea, 'if i use my thumb i can clean it faster'! i rubbed my thumb on the blades and it took me half a second to realize my thumb was really warm and when i looked down there was blood and i had 3 flaps of skin hanging on my thumb. to this day, i still shudder from having my left thumb near my razor. also i regret not taking a picture, it would have be a great post for r/wtf.
|
i tried cleaning a 5 blade razor with my thumb.
|
shaving in a rush.
|
[
"this actually happened 2 years ago during summer",
"but i didn't know about reddit yet.",
"it was a normal day in the summer and my friend",
"invited me to go out in the",
"afternoon and he was coming to pick me up. i lost",
"track of time and he was waiting outside. i don't",
"normally like making people wait so i rushed into",
"the washroom after realizing i forgot to shave. i",
"lathered my shaving cream on my face and started",
"shaving. i use the gillette proglide with 5",
"blades. once i finished shaving, i had a great",
"idea, 'if i use my thumb i can clean it faster'!",
"i rubbed my thumb on the blades and it took me",
"half a second to realize my thumb was really warm",
"and when i looked down there was blood and i had",
"3 flaps of skin hanging on my thumb. to this day,",
"i still shudder from having my left thumb near my",
"razor. also i regret not taking a picture, it",
"would have be a great post for r/wtf."
] |
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half a second to realize my thumb was really warm
|
18 | 11 | 0.74 | 18 |
this happened last week, but i'm pretty sure my roommate won't forget that so early.
before i start, a little background: i have a roommate that just moved in and he has a friend (a kinda-chubby-but-hot redhead) who comes to our house almost everyday, both of them smoke weed as much as i do so we got close pretty fast. until then everything is fine, we're friends, we smoke together, we like the same things, etc... but then nature made my red, half closed, eyes look that redhead girl in a different way (i always loved redheads, they're like rare pokemons of the real world, and having one in front of you just waiting to be catch is not an everyday opportunity).
so my stoned mind started thinking "welp, she is single, we like the same things and she is a redhead. what could possibly go wrong?". i knew there would be a great party that week so i made a plan.
fast forward to the party's night. i told my roommate i liked the redhead, he said it was ok, they were just friends and he goes for the blondes (i was just making sure that i wasn't being a douche since i know the feel of seeing a friend with a girl who friendzoned you). so we decided to eat something before leaving home to the party, we blew a joint and started eating instant noodles (don't ask why we have a instant noodles stock), and as a skinny boy who eats like hell when sober i eat almost the double when high, fast metabolism issues.
now we were full, stoned and heading to the party. getting there they were playing some good old hard rock, i grab a beer and start socializing (what is pretty easy when the music is good). after some beers and two tequila shots the redhead arrives. i'm usually shy when it comes to flirting, but after a few drinks things were working pretty well, we went out to smoke a joint and the weed smell brought my roommate to smoke with us, that's where the fuck up begins.
he was holding a blue drink, he said it was something mixed with vodka and they were serving double doses. the girl liked the looking of the drink so we three went inside to get one (my greatest mistake). every sip was like drinking toothpaste solved in vodka, the mint flavor was too much making it disgusting, but my throat was dry after the joint and have tasted worse drinks this was just one more to the list, just a tequila shot or two and that horrible toothpaste taste in my mouth would disappear, right? wrong.
with my shy-self drowned in alcohol i take the girl to a dark corner and things start getting pretty hot, we were almost going home to have more "privacy", but then i felt something coming up (and it was not down there, it was my stomach coming up to my throat). i never thought how fast my reflexes were until i turn my back on the girl and start running to the bathroom which was on the other side of the building.
i never made it to the bathroom. after four steps or so i started throwing up, not just a simple throw up, but blue vomit with instant noodles smelling alcohol with toothpaste. it was like a fire hose, i threw up on the floor, the crowd and on that security who had three times my size. the security, as gentle as hulk, threw me out of the party. right after comes my roommate with his white shirt turned into a blue noodle shirt and take me home, i don't know what happened to the girl, but i'm not sure if i will be able to face her again.
|
don't trust blue drinks and never mix too much alcohol in the same night.**
|
in a college party.
|
[
"this happened last week, but i'm pretty sure my",
"roommate won't forget that so early.",
"before i start, a little background: i have a",
"roommate that just moved in and he has a friend",
"(a kinda-chubby-but-hot redhead) who comes to our",
"house almost everyday, both of them smoke weed as",
"much as i do so we got close pretty fast. until",
"then everything is fine, we're friends, we smoke",
"together, we like the same things, etc... but",
"then nature made my red, half closed, eyes look",
"that redhead girl in a different way (i always",
"loved redheads, they're like rare pokemons of the",
"real world, and having one in front of you just",
"waiting to be catch is not an everyday",
"opportunity).",
"so my stoned mind started thinking \"welp, she is",
"single, we like the same things and she is a",
"redhead. what could possibly go wrong?\". i knew",
"there would be a great party that week so i made",
"a plan.",
"fast forward to the party's night. i told my",
"roommate i liked the redhead, he said it was ok,",
"they were just friends and he goes for the",
"blondes (i was just making sure that i wasn't",
"being a douche since i know the feel of seeing a",
"friend with a girl who friendzoned you). so we",
"decided to eat something before leaving home to",
"the party, we blew a joint and started eating",
"instant noodles (don't ask why we have a instant",
"noodles stock), and as a skinny boy who eats like",
"hell when sober i eat almost the double when",
"high, fast metabolism issues.",
"now we were full, stoned and heading to the",
"party. getting there they were playing some good",
"old hard rock, i grab a beer and start",
"socializing (what is pretty easy when the music",
"is good). after some beers and two tequila shots",
"the redhead arrives. i'm usually shy when it",
"comes to flirting, but after a few drinks things",
"were working pretty well, we went out to smoke a",
"joint and the weed smell brought my roommate to",
"smoke with us, that's where the fuck up begins.",
"he was holding a blue drink, he said it was",
"something mixed with vodka and they were serving",
"double doses. the girl liked the looking of the",
"drink so we three went inside to get one (my",
"greatest mistake). every sip was like drinking",
"toothpaste solved in vodka, the mint flavor was",
"too much making it disgusting, but my throat was",
"dry after the joint and have tasted worse drinks",
"this was just one more to the list, just a",
"tequila shot or two and that horrible toothpaste",
"taste in my mouth would disappear, right? wrong.",
"with my shy-self drowned in alcohol i take the",
"girl to a dark corner and things start getting",
"pretty hot, we were almost going home to have",
"more \"privacy\", but then i felt something coming",
"up (and it was not down there, it was my stomach",
"coming up to my throat). i never thought how fast",
"my reflexes were until i turn my back on the girl",
"and start running to the bathroom which was on",
"the other side of the building.",
"i never made it to the bathroom. after four steps",
"or so i started throwing up, not just a simple",
"throw up, but blue vomit with instant noodles",
"smelling alcohol with toothpaste. it was like a",
"fire hose, i threw up on the floor, the crowd and",
"on that security who had three times my size. the",
"security, as gentle as hulk, threw me out of the",
"party. right after comes my roommate with his",
"white shirt turned into a blue noodle shirt and",
"take me home, i don't know what happened to the",
"girl, but i'm not sure if i will be able to face",
"her again."
] |
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single, we like the same things and she is a too much making it disgusting, but my throat was
|
73 | 9 | 0.8 | 73 |
so two of my favourite bands, of mice & men and bring me the horizon (if you know who they are, love me or hate me) were coming to play a show and i was pumped as fuck. we got there as the doors were opening because i had to wait for my friends, so i was waiting in a 300m long line and missed the opener crossfaith (crazy japanese dudes) who i also really wanted to see. already bummed about this, i got inside finally and had a good time. prior to the event, there was a twitter competition to meet the band which i entered hours before hand. turns out...i won. meet and greet with all the guys, backstage pass for the night and i could bring a friend free of charge. unfortunately i didn't check my emails in the hours before the show and missed out. so i'm now sitting here at 2am, missing 2 assignment deadlines due 2 hours ago because i can't be fucked moving. gg life.
proof: http://i.imgur.com/l4mfmij.png
|
"sorry dude - you haven't replied in the specified time period, we have to offer it to someone else. thanks for the support!"
|
missing deadlines and a one-in-a-lifetime event
|
[
"so two of my favourite bands, of mice & men and",
"bring me the horizon (if you know who they are,",
"love me or hate me) were coming to play a show",
"and i was pumped as fuck. we got there as the",
"doors were opening because i had to wait for my",
"friends, so i was waiting in a 300m long line and",
"missed the opener crossfaith (crazy japanese",
"dudes) who i also really wanted to see. already",
"bummed about this, i got inside finally and had a",
"good time. prior to the event, there was a",
"twitter competition to meet the band which i",
"entered hours before hand. turns out...i won.",
"meet and greet with all the guys, backstage pass",
"for the night and i could bring a friend free of",
"charge. unfortunately i didn't check my emails in",
"the hours before the show and missed out. so i'm",
"now sitting here at 2am, missing 2 assignment",
"deadlines due 2 hours ago because i can't be",
"fucked moving. gg life.",
"proof: http://i.imgur.com/l4mfmij.png"
] |
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and i was pumped as fuck. we got there as the good time. prior to the event, there was a for the night and i could bring a friend free of
|
67 | 10 | 0.86 | 67 |
so we are in miami and doing a double-decker bus tour.
i feel a fart. there aren't many people on the buys.
i go for the fart. a gooey shit mixture came out.
i stop and try to keep my ass floating and keep the most serious poker-face of my life.
ended up waiting for an hour and then subtely throw away my boxers stained with a gross shade of green. my parents haven't found out yet.
|
shat my pants on a bus tour.
|
shitting my pants on an hour long bus tour.
|
[
"so we are in miami and doing a double-decker bus",
"tour.",
"i feel a fart. there aren't many people on the",
"buys.",
"i go for the fart. a gooey shit mixture came out.",
"i stop and try to keep my ass floating and keep",
"the most serious poker-face of my life.",
"ended up waiting for an hour and then subtely",
"throw away my boxers stained with a gross shade",
"of green. my parents haven't found out yet."
] |
[
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0,
0.06538461195968953,
0.16075352487863806,
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0.10830768698205949
] |
tour.
|
148 | 34 | 0.93 | 148 |
tonight started like any other night for an 18 year old boy. a beautiful, brisk summer breeze folliwed by the melodious chirping of a thousand crickets. pretty blissful right? well i was hungry, and there wasn't too much to eat in the food department in the fridge. (we're talking some lettuce, maybe some cheese, y'know, the stuff thats left behund on the last legs of the previous grocery trip.) so i went to taco bell and ordered somedoritos locos tacos. i brought them home and sucked 2 of the tacos down into my black hole of a stomach. i was about a 3rd of the way through the final one, when my fingers inexplicibely ceased to function and released my orange dusted treasure to the dirty floor. as i despair to the heavens i hear a rapid pit pat pit pat as my dog is scurrying to his meal. i try to grab it, but failed miserably as teddy was gone as soon as he appeared, taco in mouth. being the fool i am i just think "whatever, he eats dog shit, what harm will a taco cause?" how wrong i was.
now i should explain that he is essentially my dog. i feed, walk, bathe, and train him. so, naturally i let him sleep with me. being a relatively small dog, he likes to sleep above my head on my pillow..... can you see where this is going? fast forward a few hours. while i am asleep dreaming of..... probably sex, i am awakened by a unique feeling, a warm liquid running down my face. groggy and sleepy me was royally mindfucked, until the horrific smell of brown disgust saturated my nasal receptors.
"what the fuck?!" i squeal. i shoot up out of my bed and look back at it and i see a puddle of molten poo streaking down from my dogs asshole straight to where my head was at. i feel my hair. *anal taco leakage fucking everywhere*. this was folowed by a usain bolt like sprint to the bathroom, dry heaves are rampant as i strugglw to keep doggy diarrhea from reaching my lips. shower curtain is violently thrown to the side and shower is on. i take a shower, having to use my hands to pick out chunks of shit that are stuck in my hair, all while holding back vomit. after about 20 minutes i believe i cleaned myself i get out and wallow in my own misery and despair. i slither back to my room, only to find my fucking dog has moved his shit gumbo from my bed to all the surrounding areas. at this point i have reached my new low. i sat there scrubbing away as teddy sat there with an idiotic grin realizing the living nightmare he just put me through. my room smells awful and i am now sleeping on the couch. he is now in the laundry room for easy cleanup. today i really fucked up
**
**edit**: the culprit of these atrocities http://imgur.com/ruccbso.jpg
|
**: doritos locos fell on ground, teddy pounced on it like a ratched slut looking for dick, woke up hours later to find dog diarrhea running down my face, have to take shower and pick out chunks of shit out of my hair, re-enter room, looks like a mudslide swept through my bedroom, clean poo, cry, exile teddy to laundry room, share story on reddit
|
dropping my doritos locos taco...
|
[
"tonight started like any other night for an 18",
"year old boy. a beautiful, brisk summer breeze",
"folliwed by the melodious chirping of a thousand",
"crickets. pretty blissful right? well i was",
"hungry, and there wasn't too much to eat in the",
"food department in the fridge. (we're talking",
"some lettuce, maybe some cheese, y'know, the",
"stuff thats left behund on the last legs of the",
"previous grocery trip.) so i went to taco bell",
"and ordered somedoritos locos tacos. i brought",
"them home and sucked 2 of the tacos down into my",
"black hole of a stomach. i was about a 3rd of the",
"way through the final one, when my fingers",
"inexplicibely ceased to function and released my",
"orange dusted treasure to the dirty floor. as i",
"despair to the heavens i hear a rapid pit pat pit",
"pat as my dog is scurrying to his meal. i try to",
"grab it, but failed miserably as teddy was gone",
"as soon as he appeared, taco in mouth. being the",
"fool i am i just think \"whatever, he eats dog",
"shit, what harm will a taco cause?\" how wrong i",
"was.",
"now i should explain that he is essentially my",
"dog. i feed, walk, bathe, and train him. so,",
"naturally i let him sleep with me. being a",
"relatively small dog, he likes to sleep above my",
"head on my pillow..... can you see where this is",
"going? fast forward a few hours. while i am",
"asleep dreaming of..... probably sex, i am",
"awakened by a unique feeling, a warm liquid",
"running down my face. groggy and sleepy me was",
"royally mindfucked, until the horrific smell of",
"brown disgust saturated my nasal receptors.",
"\"what the fuck?!\" i squeal. i shoot up out of my",
"bed and look back at it and i see a puddle of",
"molten poo streaking down from my dogs asshole",
"straight to where my head was at. i feel my",
"hair. *anal taco leakage fucking everywhere*.",
"this was folowed by a usain bolt like sprint to",
"the bathroom, dry heaves are rampant as i",
"strugglw to keep doggy diarrhea from reaching my",
"lips. shower curtain is violently thrown to the",
"side and shower is on. i take a shower, having to",
"use my hands to pick out chunks of shit that are",
"stuck in my hair, all while holding back vomit.",
"after about 20 minutes i believe i cleaned myself",
"i get out and wallow in my own misery and",
"despair. i slither back to my room, only to find",
"my fucking dog has moved his shit gumbo from my",
"bed to all the surrounding areas. at this point i",
"have reached my new low. i sat there scrubbing",
"away as teddy sat there with an idiotic grin",
"realizing the living nightmare he just put me",
"through. my room smells awful and i am now",
"sleeping on the couch. he is now in the laundry",
"room for easy cleanup. today i really fucked up",
"**",
"**edit**: the culprit of these atrocities",
"http://imgur.com/ruccbso.jpg"
] |
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running down my face. groggy and sleepy me was "what the fuck?!" i squeal. i shoot up out of my side and shower is on. i take a shower, having to use my hands to pick out chunks of shit that are despair. i slither back to my room, only to find through. my room smells awful and i am now
|
27 | 9 | 0.55 | 27 |
so i was doing a bit of coding while my girlfriend was playing a game, and i randomly got up to stretch while watching archer. my girlfriend got up at the same time, and we decided to give each other a hug (aw). i said something about working too hard on my project, and she replied with "i'll show you working too hard" and pulled me to the bed. we start making out and are just getting into it (archer is on in the background to mask sound). suddenly, archer says to krieger "aaaaand that erection is really inappropriate", right as my girlfriend reaches down there. we lock eyes, and both just bust out laughing. we decide that archer has spoken, and go back to what we were doing (that is, after i finish posting this!)
|
** cockblocked by krieger and his inappropriate erections.
|
cock-blocking.
|
[
"so i was doing a bit of coding while my girlfriend",
"was playing a game, and i randomly got up to",
"stretch while watching archer. my girlfriend got",
"up at the same time, and we decided to give each",
"other a hug (aw). i said something about working",
"too hard on my project, and she replied with",
"\"i'll show you working too hard\" and pulled me to",
"the bed. we start making out and are just",
"getting into it (archer is on in the background",
"to mask sound). suddenly, archer says to",
"krieger \"aaaaand that erection is really",
"inappropriate\", right as my girlfriend reaches",
"down there. we lock eyes, and both just bust out",
"laughing. we decide that archer has spoken, and",
"go back to what we were doing (that is, after i",
"finish posting this!)"
] |
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] |
krieger "aaaaand that erection is really inappropriate", right as my girlfriend reaches
|
57 | 36 | 0.86 | 57 |
in hindsight, the wife and i should have seen it coming. our youngest son is a legendary pants pooper in our family. at eight and a half years old, he's on a roll to set the record for the most ruined pairs of underwear in a single childhood. he's crapped his pants at home, in line at the grocery store, at the movie theater, at the park... i'm sure you get the picture. my wife and i learned long ago that it's always best to keep at least one change of clothes in the car. depending on how far from home we are, we might take two. typically, he'll pinch a loaf off in his pants at the absolute worst moment, and today was no exception.
i had a rare friday off, and the wife and kids wanted to get out of the house. so we packed the boys up and drove across the james river to the virginia living museum for a day of air conditioned entertainment. our ride across the water went relatively smooth, with the boys mostly keeping to themselves (that should have been the first indicator that there was trouble brewing). while we were at the museum, we had a few minor incidences of crankiness from the kids, but nothing of note.
before we left, we insisted that the boys go to the bathroom.
the two older ones went into the bathroom while the wife and i interrogated the little one about his need to drop a load. he promised us that he only had to pee, so i took him into the men's room and made sure he did his business before we set out for home.
we hop on the interstate and head east, only to get stuck in what i can only describe as a hornet's nest of traffic. according to the radio, it wasn't even a five mile backup, but traffic wasn't moving at all. when we were two miles from the nearest exit, we heard the dreaded call from the back seat that i was hoping against hope we wouldn't hear.
“i have to go poop and i don't think i can hold it.”
at that exact moment, the most hideous odor filled the car and we had to roll the windows down. it was so hot and humid outside that the “fresh” air didn't do us much good at all. so for what seemed like an excruciating eternity until we could get to the next exit, my wife, my 11 and 12 year old sons and i had to endure the unbearable stink of my eight year old's shit filled underwear.
it took 20 minutes to make it to the next exit, at which point i promptly spotted a burger king and parked. while my wife and the bigger kids got out of the car and let it air out, i was tasked with fetching the backpack with his change of clothes from the trunk and taking him inside.
i don't want to say what i did with his shitty underwear, but let's just say that my methods this afternoon were questionable to say the least. i imagine that some poor, unsuspecting burger king employee probably smelled the tear inducing stink of a destroyed pair of fruit of the looms rolled up in a paper bag and tossed in the trash receptacle by the sink. along with about 15 shit smeared baby wipes.
i wanted to hurry and get the job over with before someone came in and found us wallowing in a sea of shame and ass wipes, so i hastily tossed everything and washed up as good as i could, then we hauled ass.
|
believed my son when he swore he didn't have to shit. got stuck in five mile backup. kid really had to shit.
|
believing my kid, then getting caught in a traffic jam.
|
[
"in hindsight, the wife and i should have seen it",
"coming. our youngest son is a legendary pants",
"pooper in our family. at eight and a half years",
"old, he's on a roll to set the record for the",
"most ruined pairs of underwear in a single",
"childhood. he's crapped his pants at home, in",
"line at the grocery store, at the movie theater,",
"at the park... i'm sure you get the picture. my",
"wife and i learned long ago that it's always best",
"to keep at least one change of clothes in the",
"car. depending on how far from home we are, we",
"might take two. typically, he'll pinch a loaf off",
"in his pants at the absolute worst moment, and",
"today was no exception.",
"i had a rare friday off, and the wife and kids",
"wanted to get out of the house. so we packed the",
"boys up and drove across the james river to the",
"virginia living museum for a day of air",
"conditioned entertainment. our ride across the",
"water went relatively smooth, with the boys",
"mostly keeping to themselves (that should have",
"been the first indicator that there was trouble",
"brewing). while we were at the museum, we had a",
"few minor incidences of crankiness from the kids,",
"but nothing of note.",
"before we left, we insisted that the boys go to",
"the bathroom.",
"the two older ones went into the bathroom while",
"the wife and i interrogated the little one about",
"his need to drop a load. he promised us that he",
"only had to pee, so i took him into the men's",
"room and made sure he did his business before we",
"set out for home.",
"we hop on the interstate and head east, only to",
"get stuck in what i can only describe as a",
"hornet's nest of traffic. according to the radio,",
"it wasn't even a five mile backup, but traffic",
"wasn't moving at all. when we were two miles from",
"the nearest exit, we heard the dreaded call from",
"the back seat that i was hoping against hope we",
"wouldn't hear.",
"“i have to go poop and i don't think i can hold",
"it.”",
"at that exact moment, the most hideous odor",
"filled the car and we had to roll the windows",
"down. it was so hot and humid outside that the",
"“fresh” air didn't do us much good at all. so for",
"what seemed like an excruciating eternity until",
"we could get to the next exit, my wife, my 11 and",
"12 year old sons and i had to endure the",
"unbearable stink of my eight year old's shit",
"filled underwear.",
"it took 20 minutes to make it to the next exit,",
"at which point i promptly spotted a burger king",
"and parked. while my wife and the bigger kids got",
"out of the car and let it air out, i was tasked",
"with fetching the backpack with his change of",
"clothes from the trunk and taking him inside.",
"i don't want to say what i did with his shitty",
"underwear, but let's just say that my methods",
"this afternoon were questionable to say the",
"least. i imagine that some poor, unsuspecting",
"burger king employee probably smelled the tear",
"inducing stink of a destroyed pair of fruit of",
"the looms rolled up in a paper bag and tossed in",
"the trash receptacle by the sink. along with",
"about 15 shit smeared baby wipes.",
"i wanted to hurry and get the job over with",
"before someone came in and found us wallowing in",
"a sea of shame and ass wipes, so i hastily tossed",
"everything and washed up as good as i could, then",
"we hauled ass."
] |
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get stuck in what i can only describe as a it wasn't even a five mile backup, but traffic “i have to go poop and i don't think i can hold
|
0 | 2 | 0.2 | 0 |
i emailed this to my buddy and figured i'd share it with you nice folk to rip on me about my fuck up today :(
so i was just leaving the gym now after obviously working out. i have a nice "pump" going on from lifting upper body and my supplements. as i'm walking out ahead of me a woman who was clearly of hispanic descent is corralling her young son of about 5 or 6 out. now as you know i am quite the milf aficionado and do appreciate a hispanic woman but several things were different about this time around. they are as follows:
1) hot pink yoga pants
2) she was asstastic in them
3) blue leopard print top with suspicion of tigglebitties underneath
4) she looked like a lighter skinned sofia vergara
5) i've never been eye raped so intensely by a mother while she is shepherding her young son
i fucked up by shyly smiling back at her, i was caught so off guard by the eye fucking that i would've ran over to her and gotten her number or something, but i saw the hyper kid and i hesitated. i didn't quite know what to do, and go figure. she parked her fucking car at the other end of where i park mine (5 rows away) so i was trying to not look like a creeper and see where she parked and i thought *maybe* i could drive up and chat with her. yeah, by the time i got there the car i thought she was in was nowhere in site. fuck. guess it's another opportunity missed with a smoldering cougar.
|
i had a smoldering cougar give me the "i want you to be the pound master of my vajmahal" look and i didn't know what to do.
|
not knowing how to react
|
[
"i emailed this to my buddy and figured i'd share",
"it with you nice folk to rip on me about my fuck",
"up today :(",
"so i was just leaving the gym now after obviously",
"working out. i have a nice \"pump\" going on from",
"lifting upper body and my supplements. as i'm",
"walking out ahead of me a woman who was clearly",
"of hispanic descent is corralling her young son",
"of about 5 or 6 out. now as you know i am quite",
"the milf aficionado and do appreciate a hispanic",
"woman but several things were different about",
"this time around. they are as follows:",
"1) hot pink yoga pants",
"2) she was asstastic in them",
"3) blue leopard print top with suspicion of",
"tigglebitties underneath",
"4) she looked like a lighter skinned sofia",
"vergara",
"5) i've never been eye raped so intensely by a",
"mother while she is shepherding her young son",
"i fucked up by shyly smiling back at her, i was",
"caught so off guard by the eye fucking that i",
"would've ran over to her and gotten her number or",
"something, but i saw the hyper kid and i",
"hesitated. i didn't quite know what to do, and go",
"figure. she parked her fucking car at the other",
"end of where i park mine (5 rows away) so i was",
"trying to not look like a creeper and see where",
"she parked and i thought *maybe* i could drive up",
"and chat with her. yeah, by the time i got there",
"the car i thought she was in was nowhere in site.",
"fuck. guess it's another opportunity missed with",
"a smoldering cougar."
] |
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hesitated. i didn't quite know what to do, and go a smoldering cougar.
|
440 | 90 | 0.86 | 440 |
she's not pregnant. she took two tests and she's not pregnant. i had a trusted friend with her while she took the tests because i was worried she'd lie about it. i'm using a different account because i forgot the password to my last throw away. thank you guys so much, those three days were probably the worst days of my life. the sex we had was protected by the way. i forgot to mention that in the original post. everything's fine now and she's currently out of state. i'm so incredibly thankful that she wasn't pregnant and also thankful for all you guys commenting. i love you guys.
|
she wasn't pregnant. i'm happy. you guys are awesome. forgot password.
|
ruining my life
|
[
"she's not pregnant. she took two tests and she's",
"not pregnant. i had a trusted friend with her",
"while she took the tests because i was worried",
"she'd lie about it. i'm using a different account",
"because i forgot the password to my last throw",
"away. thank you guys so much, those three days",
"were probably the worst days of my life. the sex",
"we had was protected by the way. i forgot to",
"mention that in the original post. everything's",
"fine now and she's currently out of state. i'm so",
"incredibly thankful that she wasn't pregnant and",
"also thankful for all you guys commenting. i love",
"you guys."
] |
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] |
incredibly thankful that she wasn't pregnant and you guys.
|
12 | 20 | 0.66 | 12 |
**backstory:**
about a year ago, my best friend got me a small cast iron pan as a gift. it's my first and only and i've made sure to season and treat it with the tastiest greases and flavors. living in a studio apartment by myself at the time, i didn't need to worry about it having any soapy encounters. i took care to wipe excessive gross out of it and would occasionally place it in the oven while baking dinner. otherwise it proudly sat on the shelf or stove top.
i recently moved into a place with three other people, all good friends that i've known for years - sweet d, chicago, and frank. there's also a dog and a cat that are about the same size and even they know better than to wash a pan of this nature. **i fucked up** by not addressing this matter immediately.
**how i set us all up for failure:**
a few nights ago, frank and i were getting a little frisky in the kitchen (by which frisky mean sprinkling brown sugar on top of bacon-wrapped chunks of chicken breast with any leftover bacon strewn about the cookie pan) and i took things to the next level by sticking my cast iron on another rack in the oven. we got into some things that r/trees would appreciate and more or less watched bacon bake and talked about how delicious this was going to be, our upcoming schedules, school, life, etc. 17 minutes goes by and the loose bacon is more than ready to be in my mouth. another 13 minutes goes by and those little chunks of yum are pleading to be in my belly. plate up, chow down, leftovers to the fridge, time for a bedtime bowl and thoughtless browsing. the cast iron is still in the now cooled oven and the furthest thing from my mind.
**how i impressively kept my cool:**
i got home around 9:30 last night after a 12 hour day of work and related functions. anxious to put my feet up and indulge in some libations, i noted the cleanliness of the joint and made sure to thank sweet d and chicago and open them each a fresh beer. we got to chatting about the previous day and i showed off our new dish brush when sweet d said it.. something about that dirty pan in the sink destroying the old brush. my heart dropped like a plummet. i realized what had happened without even seeing it.
i slowly turned towards the sink and confirmed that which i feared most and already knew to be true. my pan, face down in the dish rack, like some kind of crime scene. no trace of grease or spice, not a hint of age or use. it looked newer than when it was purchased, even the factory season had been washed off. i shook at the knees as i picked it up from that stainless steel basin from hell and stared at its smooth matted black coat. the glisten was gone, the flavor forlorn.
as i clutched my sullied skillet, i could only manage eek out the request that they *never, ever* wash this pan again. i explained that i knew they didn't know any better and that they were simply trying to help. i hadn't made it clear and left the pan in a frequently used appliance. they stared at me like deer in headlights, they could see my blood boiling beneath the crooked smile and hurt in my eyes. the last year of cooking flashed before me, even concoctions that the pan never saw.
they knew what they had done, but they didn't understand why it was wrong. the road to hell is paved with good intentions and i finally understood. i painstakingly described the history of cast iron and the mechanics of seasoning. i explained my own personal efforts of seasoning that they had just washed down the drain, without thought. my voice trembled as i spoke, but i remained calm as i fired up the oven and regreased the pan.
350 degrees, we're off to a good start. 500 degrees, that pan is roasting.
sweet d starts in on the peace offerings.. flowers, blunts, whatever it will take. i told her the best thing she could do to make up for it is cook some bacon and just wipe the excess grease out of the pan. i clarified what can and cannot be cooked in a cast iron. i begged that they never wash it and stick it in the oven if they don't want to see it.
*
|
* moved in with roommates, didn't make sure they understood not to wash cast iron. pan got washed, is practically factory new. tehtreats cried.
|
not explaining how to care for cast iron pans to my new roommates.
|
[
"**backstory:**",
"about a year ago, my best friend got me a small",
"cast iron pan as a gift. it's my first and only",
"and i've made sure to season and treat it with",
"the tastiest greases and flavors. living in a",
"studio apartment by myself at the time, i didn't",
"need to worry about it having any soapy",
"encounters. i took care to wipe excessive gross",
"out of it and would occasionally place it in the",
"oven while baking dinner. otherwise it proudly",
"sat on the shelf or stove top.",
"i recently moved into a place with three other",
"people, all good friends that i've known for",
"years - sweet d, chicago, and frank. there's also",
"a dog and a cat that are about the same size and",
"even they know better than to wash a pan of this",
"nature. **i fucked up** by not addressing this",
"matter immediately.",
"**how i set us all up for failure:**",
"a few nights ago, frank and i were getting a",
"little frisky in the kitchen (by which frisky",
"mean sprinkling brown sugar on top of",
"bacon-wrapped chunks of chicken breast with any",
"leftover bacon strewn about the cookie pan) and i",
"took things to the next level by sticking my cast",
"iron on another rack in the oven. we got into",
"some things that r/trees would appreciate and",
"more or less watched bacon bake and talked about",
"how delicious this was going to be, our upcoming",
"schedules, school, life, etc. 17 minutes goes by",
"and the loose bacon is more than ready to be in",
"my mouth. another 13 minutes goes by and those",
"little chunks of yum are pleading to be in my",
"belly. plate up, chow down, leftovers to the",
"fridge, time for a bedtime bowl and thoughtless",
"browsing. the cast iron is still in the now",
"cooled oven and the furthest thing from my mind.",
"**how i impressively kept my cool:**",
"i got home around 9:30 last night after a 12 hour",
"day of work and related functions. anxious to put",
"my feet up and indulge in some libations, i noted",
"the cleanliness of the joint and made sure to",
"thank sweet d and chicago and open them each a",
"fresh beer. we got to chatting about the previous",
"day and i showed off our new dish brush when",
"sweet d said it.. something about that dirty pan",
"in the sink destroying the old brush. my heart",
"dropped like a plummet. i realized what had",
"happened without even seeing it.",
"i slowly turned towards the sink and confirmed",
"that which i feared most and already knew to be",
"true. my pan, face down in the dish rack, like",
"some kind of crime scene. no trace of grease or",
"spice, not a hint of age or use. it looked newer",
"than when it was purchased, even the factory",
"season had been washed off. i shook at the knees",
"as i picked it up from that stainless steel basin",
"from hell and stared at its smooth matted black",
"coat. the glisten was gone, the flavor forlorn.",
"as i clutched my sullied skillet, i could only",
"manage eek out the request that they *never,",
"ever* wash this pan again. i explained that i",
"knew they didn't know any better and that they",
"were simply trying to help. i hadn't made it",
"clear and left the pan in a frequently used",
"appliance. they stared at me like deer in",
"headlights, they could see my blood boiling",
"beneath the crooked smile and hurt in my eyes.",
"the last year of cooking flashed before me, even",
"concoctions that the pan never saw.",
"they knew what they had done, but they didn't",
"understand why it was wrong. the road to hell is",
"paved with good intentions and i finally",
"understood. i painstakingly described the history",
"of cast iron and the mechanics of seasoning. i",
"explained my own personal efforts of seasoning",
"that they had just washed down the drain, without",
"thought. my voice trembled as i spoke, but i",
"remained calm as i fired up the oven and",
"regreased the pan.",
"350 degrees, we're off to a good start. 500",
"degrees, that pan is roasting.",
"sweet d starts in on the peace offerings..",
"flowers, blunts, whatever it will take. i told",
"her the best thing she could do to make up for it",
"is cook some bacon and just wipe the excess",
"grease out of the pan. i clarified what can and",
"cannot be cooked in a cast iron. i begged that",
"they never wash it and stick it in the oven if",
"they don't want to see it.",
"*"
] |
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i recently moved into a place with three other even they know better than to wash a pan of this browsing. the cast iron is still in the now
|
35 | 6 | 0.8 | 35 |
i started sleep walking this past summer and i'm not really sure why. i have some pretty funny stories from roommates, however this incident takes the cake. i woke up this morning without any blankets on and the sheet torn off my bed. i thought that was odd, but i felt this crusty substance on my face. i was confused and went to rub it off when i saw my hands and they were covered in dried blood. panicking, i went to hop off my bunk (i'm on the top). i noticed my left, big toe was in a lot of pain and bruised, and i struggled walking. anyway, i get to the mirror in the bathroom and there is blood all over my face and a giant gash in between both of my eyebrows. i start cleaning it up and it began to bleed again. luckily i was able to stop it, however, i did some investigating to see if i could piece together what exactly happened. there was already a lot of dried blood in the sink, so i'm assuming i stumbled over to the mirror in my sleep walking state to try to clean it. the weirdest part was the blood that was around the door frame leading outside of my apartment and a small pool of it on the ground. but, there wasn't any blood on the doorknob. there was also very little blood on my sheets and pillows. i asked my roommates, but they did not see anything. the worst part is now i'm walking around campus and literally everyone is asking me what happened. half the people i talk to think i'm possessed. anyway, that's what happened. i have some other funny sleepwalking stories i can tell if y'all want to hear them, but they're not really tifu stories.
|
was raped by a bear and can't remember it because i was sleepwalking.
|
sleepwalking
|
[
"i started sleep walking this past summer and i'm",
"not really sure why. i have some pretty funny",
"stories from roommates, however this incident",
"takes the cake. i woke up this morning without",
"any blankets on and the sheet torn off my bed. i",
"thought that was odd, but i felt this crusty",
"substance on my face. i was confused and went to",
"rub it off when i saw my hands and they were",
"covered in dried blood. panicking, i went to hop",
"off my bunk (i'm on the top). i noticed my left,",
"big toe was in a lot of pain and bruised, and i",
"struggled walking. anyway, i get to the mirror",
"in the bathroom and there is blood all over my",
"face and a giant gash in between both of my",
"eyebrows. i start cleaning it up and it began to",
"bleed again. luckily i was able to stop it,",
"however, i did some investigating to see if i",
"could piece together what exactly happened.",
"there was already a lot of dried blood in the",
"sink, so i'm assuming i stumbled over to the",
"mirror in my sleep walking state to try to clean",
"it. the weirdest part was the blood that was",
"around the door frame leading outside of my",
"apartment and a small pool of it on the ground.",
"but, there wasn't any blood on the doorknob.",
"there was also very little blood on my sheets and",
"pillows. i asked my roommates, but they did not",
"see anything. the worst part is now i'm walking",
"around campus and literally everyone is asking me",
"what happened. half the people i talk to think",
"i'm possessed. anyway, that's what happened. i",
"have some other funny sleepwalking stories i can",
"tell if y'all want to hear them, but they're not",
"really tifu stories."
] |
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bleed again. luckily i was able to stop it, apartment and a small pool of it on the ground.
|
0 | 0 | 0.47 | 0 |
at my company today we started working with our first client. i was in charge of creating their user accounts for our platform and then manually send the login details to each user.
two hours later and away from the office i realise i sent some users the wrong information. hurriedly i tried to fix the problem with only my phone at hand.
|
tifu by sending our first client the wrong email.
|
sending the wrong email
|
[
"at my company today we started working with our",
"first client. i was in charge of creating their",
"user accounts for our platform and then manually",
"send the login details to each user.",
"two hours later and away from the office i",
"realise i sent some users the wrong information.",
"hurriedly i tried to fix the problem with only my",
"phone at hand."
] |
[
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0.03641389473915611,
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0
] |
realise i sent some users the wrong information.
|
132 | 18 | 0.86 | 132 |
to be more accurate, this happened about a month ago, but it feels like it happened just yesterday.
i was drunk. i was stupidly drunk actually. i was going to the washroom and i somehow managed to slip right at the doorway. i fell so quickly (or at least it seemed very quickly) that i didnt get my hands out in time to catch my fall. down i went right onto the tiles, and soon enough there was blood just *pouring* from my lip. im now kneeling on the washroom floor, looking down at a huge pool of blood, waiting for the stream of blood to stop flowing from my lip. eventually i get fed up with the waiting and begin to just swallow my blood (dont ask why i didnt bother going to the toilet to let the blood go in there- im trying to figure that one out for myself.) anyway, by now i've drunk a ton of blood that it makes me puke- twice. again, on the floor, not in the toilet. this whole ordeal was tiring, and with the addition of being very drunk i decide to just lay down in the bathroom for a second or two, right beside the pool of blood and the vomit.
i dont really know how long i slept for, but i do remember waking up and staring at puke right in front of my face and mutter "fuck, i did it again." i then find my friends couch and fall asleep a second time. soon after, i am awoken to my friend yelling"**holy shit, theres blood everywhere in the bathroom!!**", i calmly tell him not to worry about it and that i'll clean it up in the morning.
fast forward to the morning, im awoken by a group of my friends leaning over the couch and starring at my face. "shit, that wasnt a dream" i say to myself while feeling my lip, which is now 3 times its normal size."
they're all telling me i need to go get stitches or at least get it looked at. i refuse, telling them this happened once before (exact same situation) and that it'll heal on its own. i clean up my bodily expellings, we go to the store and then head to the beach for the rest of the weekend. life goes on.
the scab falls off about a week later after the incident, and find i have a very nasty looking scar on my lip. as if the whole ordeal wasnt enough, the scar makes it look like i have herpes, which my friends constantly laugh at me for. lovely.
|
i kissed a bathroom floor and got herpes.
|
putting my tooth through my lip.
|
[
"to be more accurate, this happened about a month",
"ago, but it feels like it happened just",
"yesterday.",
"i was drunk. i was stupidly drunk actually. i was",
"going to the washroom and i somehow managed to",
"slip right at the doorway. i fell so quickly (or",
"at least it seemed very quickly) that i didnt get",
"my hands out in time to catch my fall. down i",
"went right onto the tiles, and soon enough there",
"was blood just *pouring* from my lip. im now",
"kneeling on the washroom floor, looking down at a",
"huge pool of blood, waiting for the stream of",
"blood to stop flowing from my lip. eventually i",
"get fed up with the waiting and begin to just",
"swallow my blood (dont ask why i didnt bother",
"going to the toilet to let the blood go in there-",
"im trying to figure that one out for myself.)",
"anyway, by now i've drunk a ton of blood that it",
"makes me puke- twice. again, on the floor, not in",
"the toilet. this whole ordeal was tiring, and",
"with the addition of being very drunk i decide to",
"just lay down in the bathroom for a second or",
"two, right beside the pool of blood and the",
"vomit.",
"i dont really know how long i slept for, but i do",
"remember waking up and staring at puke right in",
"front of my face and mutter \"fuck, i did it",
"again.\" i then find my friends couch and fall",
"asleep a second time. soon after, i am awoken to",
"my friend yelling\"**holy shit, theres blood",
"everywhere in the bathroom!!**\", i calmly tell",
"him not to worry about it and that i'll clean it",
"up in the morning.",
"fast forward to the morning, im awoken by a group",
"of my friends leaning over the couch and starring",
"at my face. \"shit, that wasnt a dream\" i say to",
"myself while feeling my lip, which is now 3 times",
"its normal size.\"",
"they're all telling me i need to go get stitches",
"or at least get it looked at. i refuse, telling",
"them this happened once before (exact same",
"situation) and that it'll heal on its own. i",
"clean up my bodily expellings, we go to the store",
"and then head to the beach for the rest of the",
"weekend. life goes on.",
"the scab falls off about a week later after the",
"incident, and find i have a very nasty looking",
"scar on my lip. as if the whole ordeal wasnt",
"enough, the scar makes it look like i have",
"herpes, which my friends constantly laugh at me",
"for. lovely."
] |
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incident, and find i have a very nasty looking
|
388 | 187 | 0.8 | 388 |
alright, this happened a week ago, but, i feel this subreddit should hear my story. this is also my first post.
it was 3 am, just got off using my computer and looking at pornography,
i get in bed, and then turn off the lamp on my nightstand, then i start fapping away after a few minutes... this is where the shit hit the fan, little boys and girls, as i was whacking off, i thought i'd do some... sounding with my usual mechanical friend that i have. so i shoved it in, slowly, but deeper each time, and i had done this before, infact, alot. so my golden shower hose was fairly wide enough to fit it in, so i kept going, then, suddenly, i shove it in all the way by accident.... i then spend 25 mins trying to pull it out... but [it was no use!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmuvfw0vly4). the thing was stuck in there.
so my next thought is, wait for my father to wake up, and tell him what happened 5 am rolls around, and then my dad wakes up, so i immediately tell him what happens, he then hurriedly gets dressed and takes me to the hospital, 10 mins later, we're inside the hospital, i get led into a room with my dad, it looks similar to an operating room, but.. smaller. i lay down on this patient bed and wait, doctor arrives, shit happens, then he gets the urologist, who bears a striking resemblance to the governor from the walking dead. tv version. anyways, he does some stuff, looks at my peen to insure how deep this mechanical fiend is inside my shlong, etc.
he then leaves again, humming some weird funk-like tune, and then him, the doctor, and the male nurse arrive with the wmds. he then pulls it out, almost violently with 2 pairs of surgical tweezers while the doctor applies a numbing gel onto my man noodle, it took probably 5 mins... but it felt like an hour. but then finally, he gets the thing out, then the urologist immediately says "hah, wanna keep it?" and the doctor then says "remember, things don't go in there, they only come out of there." and then they laugh it off, and all i can think is "thank fuck for plan a." because the doc said there was 2 plans. plans a and b.
plan a was pulling the thing out with no surgery. plan b was surgery.
on the ride home, i looked at the discharge papers.. it said in big, bold letters "do not attempt this again." my father said it kinda goes without saying.....
edit: also, from that day forward, my friends now call me mech dick or pencil dick.... i don't think i'll live that down.
|
i shoved a mechanical pencil down my urethra and then had to go to the hospital to get it removed.
|
shoving a mechanical pencil down my urethra very nsfw
|
[
"alright, this happened a week ago, but, i feel",
"this subreddit should hear my story. this is also",
"my first post.",
"it was 3 am, just got off using my computer and",
"looking at pornography,",
"i get in bed, and then turn off the lamp on my",
"nightstand, then i start fapping away after a few",
"minutes... this is where the shit hit the fan,",
"little boys and girls, as i was whacking off, i",
"thought i'd do some... sounding with my usual",
"mechanical friend that i have. so i shoved it in,",
"slowly, but deeper each time, and i had done this",
"before, infact, alot. so my golden shower hose",
"was fairly wide enough to fit it in, so i kept",
"going, then, suddenly, i shove it in all the way",
"by accident.... i then spend 25 mins trying to",
"pull it out... but [it was no",
"use!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmuvfw0vly4)",
".",
"the thing was stuck in there.",
"so my next thought is, wait for my father to wake",
"up, and tell him what happened 5 am rolls around,",
"and then my dad wakes up, so i immediately tell",
"him what happens, he then hurriedly gets dressed",
"and takes me to the hospital, 10 mins later,",
"we're inside the hospital, i get led into a room",
"with my dad, it looks similar to an operating",
"room, but.. smaller. i lay down on this patient",
"bed and wait, doctor arrives, shit happens, then",
"he gets the urologist, who bears a striking",
"resemblance to the governor from the walking",
"dead. tv version. anyways, he does some stuff,",
"looks at my peen to insure how deep this",
"mechanical fiend is inside my shlong, etc.",
"he then leaves again, humming some weird",
"funk-like tune, and then him, the doctor, and the",
"male nurse arrive with the wmds. he then pulls it",
"out, almost violently with 2 pairs of surgical",
"tweezers while the doctor applies a numbing gel",
"onto my man noodle, it took probably 5 mins...",
"but it felt like an hour. but then finally, he",
"gets the thing out, then the urologist",
"immediately says \"hah, wanna keep it?\" and the",
"doctor then says \"remember, things don't go in",
"there, they only come out of there.\" and then",
"they laugh it off, and all i can think is \"thank",
"fuck for plan a.\" because the doc said there was",
"2 plans. plans a and b.",
"plan a was pulling the thing out with no surgery.",
"plan b was surgery.",
"on the ride home, i looked at the discharge",
"papers.. it said in big, bold letters \"do not",
"attempt this again.\" my father said it kinda goes",
"without saying.....",
"edit: also, from that day forward, my friends now",
"call me mech dick or pencil dick.... i don't",
"think i'll live that down."
] |
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mechanical friend that i have. so i shoved it in, and takes me to the hospital, 10 mins later,
|
79 | 29 | 0.86 | 79 |
context: i, along with my girlfriend, were both some of the most trusted and well-respected students in our high school. we tutor every day, we ace all our classes, and the like.
last thursday was one of those miraculous days where both of us were in heat. the entire day we had to fight the urge to just, you know, do it.
flash-forward to the end of thursday. we're both tutoring for our english class and all the class is doing is reading so we both decide to leave for a bit and stroll around.
as we're strolling around the campus we notice that one of the classrooms has been left unlocked... holy shit. this is a 17 year old's wet dream. i go in and check if anyone is in. nobody is. both of us then sneak in and hot sexy-times occur.
not 5 minutes in we hear the door rattle.
shit.
it's a neighboring teacher coming in to find some staples. he asks what we were doing here and we just play it off as if we're looking for a specific book for our tutoring class. the teacher doesn't bat an eye and continues to look for some staples while my gf and i split as soon as we could (with the phony book in hand), counting our blessings.
now we're in the hallway, still very much in heat, with a book that isn't ours. in our infinite wisdom we decide to ask another neighboring teacher for her keys under the pretense of returning a book we forgot about. the nice teacher hands us the keys.
we then proceed back into the room, return the book, and look at each other with lustful eyes. hardcore sexytimes proceed.
flash-forward another 10 minutes and there i am, my hands down my gf's pants, hers in mine, as our janitor walks in.
we hastily stop, and leave. not saying a word to the janitor who has this face of disgust and disappointment.
that concludes thursday.
flash-forward one more time to friday morning. my gf and i are hanging out in the morning, waiting for our classes to start when we get asked by our dean to meet him in his office. we assume he's going to ask us to help him file paperwork or something. the thought that we our janitor had ratted us out didn't even cross our minds.
all of friday was one big fustercluck of meetings with our dean, our college counselor, and our principal. culminating at the end of the day with our parent-meetings.
the short of it is, that all of them were not angry at us. just disappointed and ashamed. in my gf's parent meeting she divulged what we had done... everything we had done.
i was threatened with suspension, with expulsion, even arrest (luckily she was honest and made it clear that the act was consensual and mutual).
the only repercussions are that i am now strictly prohibited from making any form of contact (physical or otherwise) with my girlfriend while on campus, for the rest of the year. both of us are barred from any senior activities, and the worst of it is, i have to face all of my teachers (who undoubtedly have been told the entire thing by now) tomorrow.
|
there's a time and a place for sexy-times. a school is never the place, no matter the time.
|
ruining the last year i had with my girlfriend in high school
|
[
"context: i, along with my girlfriend, were both",
"some of the most trusted and well-respected",
"students in our high school. we tutor every day,",
"we ace all our classes, and the like.",
"last thursday was one of those miraculous days",
"where both of us were in heat. the entire day we",
"had to fight the urge to just, you know, do it.",
"flash-forward to the end of thursday. we're both",
"tutoring for our english class and all the class",
"is doing is reading so we both decide to leave",
"for a bit and stroll around.",
"as we're strolling around the campus we notice",
"that one of the classrooms has been left",
"unlocked... holy shit. this is a 17 year old's",
"wet dream. i go in and check if anyone is in.",
"nobody is. both of us then sneak in and hot",
"sexy-times occur.",
"not 5 minutes in we hear the door rattle.",
"shit.",
"it's a neighboring teacher coming in to find some",
"staples. he asks what we were doing here and we",
"just play it off as if we're looking for a",
"specific book for our tutoring class. the",
"teacher doesn't bat an eye and continues to look",
"for some staples while my gf and i split as soon",
"as we could (with the phony book in hand),",
"counting our blessings.",
"now we're in the hallway, still very much in",
"heat, with a book that isn't ours. in our",
"infinite wisdom we decide to ask another",
"neighboring teacher for her keys under the",
"pretense of returning a book we forgot about.",
"the nice teacher hands us the keys.",
"we then proceed back into the room, return the",
"book, and look at each other with lustful eyes.",
"hardcore sexytimes proceed.",
"flash-forward another 10 minutes and there i am,",
"my hands down my gf's pants, hers in mine, as our",
"janitor walks in.",
"we hastily stop, and leave. not saying a word to",
"the janitor who has this face of disgust and",
"disappointment.",
"that concludes thursday.",
"flash-forward one more time to friday morning. my",
"gf and i are hanging out in the morning, waiting",
"for our classes to start when we get asked by our",
"dean to meet him in his office. we assume he's",
"going to ask us to help him file paperwork or",
"something. the thought that we our janitor had",
"ratted us out didn't even cross our minds.",
"all of friday was one big fustercluck of meetings",
"with our dean, our college counselor, and our",
"principal. culminating at the end of the day",
"with our parent-meetings.",
"the short of it is, that all of them were not",
"angry at us. just disappointed and ashamed. in",
"my gf's parent meeting she divulged what we had",
"done... everything we had done.",
"i was threatened with suspension, with expulsion,",
"even arrest (luckily she was honest and made it",
"clear that the act was consensual and mutual).",
"the only repercussions are that i am now strictly",
"prohibited from making any form of contact",
"(physical or otherwise) with my girlfriend while",
"on campus, for the rest of the year. both of us",
"are barred from any senior activities, and the",
"worst of it is, i have to face all of my teachers",
"(who undoubtedly have been told the entire thing",
"by now) tomorrow."
] |
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for a bit and stroll around. sexy-times occur.
|
0 | 8 | 0.44 | 0 |
so i play girls' soccer, alright? this stupid girl from the other team ran into me when i was about to kick the ball hard and thrust into my leg. i couldn’t stop myself… my foot went right in her groin. she dropped, and started to roll in the grass, covering her vag.
that’s when she started to swear at me… in japanese. "kutabare!" "kuso kurae!" we're both white and she calls me a baka gaijin. she didn't even pronounce it right! (i know because i'm a closet weeb. shhhh!)
i apologized a lot... but as bad as i felt, it was kind of funny. gomenasai, otaku-chan!
i got a penalty because they didn't believe it was an accident. the kicked weeaboo girl also got benched with an ice pack for a while and stared daggers (or katanas?) at me the whole time.
|
i accidentally kicked a weeaboo in her omanko and it wasn’t kawaii. now suddenly i'm an ijiwaru!
|
kicked a weeaboo in the cooch
|
[
"so i play girls' soccer, alright? this stupid girl",
"from the other team ran into me when i was about",
"to kick the ball hard and thrust into my leg. i",
"couldn’t stop myself… my foot went right in her",
"groin. she dropped, and started to roll in the",
"grass, covering her vag.",
"that’s when she started to swear at me… in",
"japanese. \"kutabare!\" \"kuso kurae!\" we're both",
"white and she calls me a baka gaijin. she didn't",
"even pronounce it right! (i know because i'm a",
"closet weeb. shhhh!)",
"i apologized a lot... but as bad as i felt, it",
"was kind of funny. gomenasai, otaku-chan!",
"i got a penalty because they didn't believe it",
"was an accident. the kicked weeaboo girl also got",
"benched with an ice pack for a while and stared",
"daggers (or katanas?) at me the whole time."
] |
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couldn’t stop myself… my foot went right in her even pronounce it right! (i know because i'm a
|
14 | 9 | 0.73 | 14 |
just last night i got back from a long day of work, so i decided to have a glass of wine and watch tv before bed. seems like a nice way to end a day, and surely the next would be better, right? not quite.
today i got out of work an hour or so earlier than usual and decided to do some dishes, but had forgotten to grab the wine glass on the dresser the television's on, where i had apparently left the night before.
so, as usual i turned on some music from the tv speakers and cranked up the volume so i could hear it over the sink running and pass the time. it was set on shuffle and a few songs had played...
and then my own song came on.
apparently from the ear-destructing noise and high volume, the dresser had vibrated just enough to move the wine glass teetering over the edge and shatter on the floor.
now the mini bar has one empty spot and it won't stop mocking me every time i walk in and glance at it.
|
left a wine glass in front of a loud television and it fell off the side. my music breaks glass.
|
learning my music can break glass
|
[
"just last night i got back from a long day of",
"work, so i decided to have a glass of wine and",
"watch tv before bed. seems like a nice way to end",
"a day, and surely the next would be better,",
"right? not quite.",
"today i got out of work an hour or so earlier",
"than usual and decided to do some dishes, but had",
"forgotten to grab the wine glass on the dresser",
"the television's on, where i had apparently left",
"the night before.",
"so, as usual i turned on some music from the tv",
"speakers and cranked up the volume so i could",
"hear it over the sink running and pass the time.",
"it was set on shuffle and a few songs had",
"played...",
"and then my own song came on.",
"apparently from the ear-destructing noise and",
"high volume, the dresser had vibrated just enough",
"to move the wine glass teetering over the edge",
"and shatter on the floor.",
"now the mini bar has one empty spot and it won't",
"stop mocking me every time i walk in and glance",
"at it."
] |
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work, so i decided to have a glass of wine and now the mini bar has one empty spot and it won't
|
0 | 3 | 0.4 | 0 |
the basics:
i'm in a relationship. it's semi-serious, still measuring in months rather than years though.
my girlfriend, now to be referred to as gf, is out of town for a few weeks. she is not the forgiving type.
we have a mutual friend, the gf's best friend actually. her and her boyfriend of 2 years or so just broke up.
ok, the scenario:
she comes over a few days after the break up to take her mind off of it. i hang out with her, we have fun, eventually, we wind up on the couch together. as the night progresses we end up sleeping together. over the last few days we've been pretty much inseparable. i find her to be an even better match than the gf.
just to be clear, i recognize this was not a good move.
regardless, here i am. so, reddit. what are my options?
|
i slept with my gf's best friend.
|
sleeping with my gf's best friend
|
[
"the basics:",
"i'm in a relationship. it's semi-serious, still",
"measuring in months rather than years though.",
"my girlfriend, now to be referred to as gf, is",
"out of town for a few weeks. she is not the",
"forgiving type.",
"we have a mutual friend, the gf's best friend",
"actually. her and her boyfriend of 2 years or so",
"just broke up.",
"ok, the scenario:",
"she comes over a few days after the break up to",
"take her mind off of it. i hang out with her, we",
"have fun, eventually, we wind up on the couch",
"together. as the night progresses we end up",
"sleeping together. over the last few days we've",
"been pretty much inseparable. i find her to be an",
"even better match than the gf.",
"just to be clear, i recognize this was not a good",
"move.",
"regardless, here i am. so, reddit. what are my",
"options?"
] |
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we have a mutual friend, the gf's best friend
|
14 | 20 | 0.57 | 14 |
... and my reputation, probably.
i guess it's technically "last friday night ifu" but whatever.
i didn't want to share this story with anyone at first but now i just feel like i need to get it out of my head. also, this is my first post, english is my 2nd language so i might mess up and i made a throwaway for this.
be kind, please correct any mistakes or loopholes and such (i'm bad with logic) and there's a tl:dr at the end.
but yeah, here goes my story:
so, i just got my first *real* boyfriend a little over a week ago- the relationship itself started a little tifuesque (* at the bottom for anyone who cares about that) but i'm pretty happy with him and was excited all week because i got to see him a lot at the lake where everyone goes to hang out and swim and sometimes at some of our mutual friends' places where people just hang out and get drunk.
so i didn't have any plans for last friday night and my boyfriend came up with the idea to invite me to a little birthday party at his friends' house even though i didn't know his friend because he wanted me to be there. thinking that that's better than doing nothing, i told him i'd go, rode my bike to his house and from there on, another friend of his' dad picked us up and drove us to the guy's house.
everything went great even though i was the only girl at the party and only knew everyone (including my boyfriend) for about 2 weeks. we listened to music, talked and drank some beer and everything was awesome (except for the one time my boyfriend called me his ex's name which made me cringe; he felt bad and everyone gave him shit about it thankfully but yeah, that doesn't have to happen again and if i were really in love with him and hadn't been drunk, that would've hurt).
at about 4am everyone else had left (including the guy whose dad took us to the party) and i had abandoned my resolution not to drink alot because i just can't handle alcohol but it tastes so good...
so yes, i was drunk and there were 4 of us left: the host of the party, a good friend of my boyfriend that i know pretty well by now and my boyfriend and i. we were just talking, playing on the piano and listening to music as quietly as possible (which is not very quiet if you're drunk) but after a while the one friend passed out on a couch way too small for him.
so the host grabbed some blankets and stuff and made himself a "bed" on his living room floor for the night, leaving my boyfriend and i a pretty huge couch.
being the horny 16 year- olds we are (and also me being drunk), we started making out in the dark and things got pretty hot. i fell asleep topless and woke up some time when the sun was already up to put my bra and shirt back on, only to fall asleep until 11.45 am. so yes, two of my boyfriend's friends and the host's mom probably saw my boobs, after 16 years of no strangers seeing them. cool beans.
my first thought when my boyfriend told me what time it was was *oh shit*. i should have been home by 11am and had already pissed my parents off once that week by staying way too long at someone's house without telling them.
oh well, we got up and i was still kind of sleepy so i didn't really care and just texted my mom i'd try to make it home as soon as possible.
maybe this is some kind of karma thing and a punishment for making my mom worry about me but right before i got up i felt blood trickling down in my panties. *oh shit* again, but it didn't feel bad so i stayed with the guys who ate cold pizza from the night before, peanuts and some kind of candy for "breakfast". i tried to wait awhile to not make it seem like i was going to the bathroom because of my period and walked out of the room when i hoped no one would see my ass since i thought there might be a tiny spot on my pants.
right where the bathroom was, the host's granny stood and looked at his dog for whatever reason. the nice person i am, i started small talk about what a good dog he was and how he didn't look his age and who i was since she'd never met me, blah blah. i finally just smiled and stood there awkwardly so i went into the bathroom.
oh, the horror when i saw my shorts.
there was only a tiny mirror really high up so i couldn't see anything but a part of my face but when i took off my shorts there was blood *everywhere*. there was a huge blood stain on the back of my pants, about halfway up the whole shorts and even in the front. i even had some blood on my thighs it kind of looked like i'd crapped my pants, just that it was blood.
my legs started shaking, i felt nauseous and i didn't know what the fuck to do, so i just grabbed toilet paper, wet it and wiped away the blood on my legs. since i didn't have anything at all with me except for my cell phone, i couldn't really hide my shorts with anything or change or put on perfume or something to make my situation a little better. so, i just tried washing the shorts in the sink as well, leaving them kind of wet and still with those yellow- ish, gross stains that ladies probably know from that one pair of panties that got ruined when they didn't know they were on their period.
then, i pulled down my strapless shirt and the tank i wore on top of it so you couldn't see the shorts but oh my god, was i nervous and i felt so gross.
i'd even seen that i'd be on my period soon the night before so what i did was to put a tampon in just in case (usually that's enough for me). there was no trash can or anything in the bathroom so i couldn't put it anywhere. i just stuffed a little toilet paper in my panties and hoped that'd be enough for the little time i had to spend at that guy's house.
when i came out of the bathroom, seemingly ages later and probably with a look of terror on my face, my boyfriend sat on the steps across from the bathroom and talked to me as if everything was normal.
but from seeing my shorts, i knew that everyone had to have seen the disaster that's been going on down there when i walked to the bathroom, and i was kind of disturbed. he still didn't mention anything, as did the other guys, which made me kind of glad but i felt like shit anyways.
so, i told you the guy we got a ride from left the night before, right?
well, he was supposed to give us a ride back to my boyfriend's place so that we could go home, and my bike still stood there. it wasn't even secured with a lock, so i didn't even know if it was still there.
my mom got really mad at me when i still wasn't home at 1 pm, which was supposed to be the time we ate lunch since we were the only ones home that day, and called me. i asked her if she could pick me up and she got really mad because she had no idea where i was and it would take her about half an hour to get there.
in the meantime, we just sat at the host's family's kitchen table and the guys ate breakfast (you can imagine how appealing food seems to someone in my situation- about as yummy as being served dog shit in a bowl) and they decided to play a stupid little dice game, but i was glad because that meant i didn't have to get up and stuff.
my boyfriend noticed something was wrong with me and tried to get me to smile, and i honestly tried but i felt so terrible at the same time that it didn't end up looking convincing, i guess.
finally, he saw my mom's car drive around outside so i went and ran to her. she drove me, my boyfriend and his friend to the place where my bike was, leaving them to walk home and me to ride my bike home since it didn't fit in the car.
well, i finally rode my bike home and hated every second of it. my belly hurt and i felt so miserable, i needed some water or anything like that and i had to pee. oh, and remember that tampon? well, i could remember it pretty well and in my mind, i was already sure that i had toxic shock syndrome, recalling every horror story i had heard about it.
fyi, the way i take home from my boyfriend's house takes me 25- 30 minutes usually and most of it is driving on a highway where there's no space for bikes and tons of fast cars. that day, it was about 30 degrees celsius. so, it wasn't fun. at all.
so when i got home finally, i was ready to break down and cry. instead, i said hi to my mom, got told that she had 2 options for me to pick from as a punishment and that i should eat something first and then talk to her.
so i put my bike where it belongs, took out my tampon (sorry for the gross- ness here), literally sat in the bath tub and let water run over me before i showered properly.
then, i tried to save my favorite pair of shorts and panties by washing them but i had no real hope for my panties (they're so awesome, they're from 'murica and i love them).
i downed a whole bottle of water and ate pasta without any sauce because i was hungry, but didn't really like the taste of anything anyways.
my mom told me i could either not go out for a week or clean our windows as a punishment, and that she'd talked to my dad already and she was really nice about everything since she knew i was sorry by then and i usually am a really good kid. so that was alright, and then i told her a little why i was so upset when i came home.
well, i talked to my boyfriend on facebook because that's just what broke people do instead of texting and last night at about 12 or 1 am he decides to fuck with my brain.
so, we're just talking about stupid stuff like any stupid teenage couple and about tuesday, when we're going to hang out again, and about this was our conversation:
him: *to be honest, we should totally repeat nights like last night*
i was tired so i just replied that i totally agree and he told me that he just didn't understand one thing. of course i asked him what because, you know, if you tell me something like that i assume that you want me to ask so you can tell me the whole story. by this point i was already thinking about the panty- disaster again and pretty nervous.
so that little jerk tells me that he'd rather tell me in person in 2 days because he thinks it's crappy of him to write it in a message. this is pretty much equivalent of the phrase "we have to talk"- you know you fucked up but you can't figure out why and hate the other person for not telling you.
so i have no idea what he wants to talk about then. well, if it's the "incident" with my period and stuff then i'm just going to tell him the truth, maybe leave out the ~~gory~~ bloody details.
(* so here's the stupid tifu story of how i met my boyfriend for anyone who cares about that stuff: i switched schools recently, and i don't know if it's my newly won social awesomeness or the awesome people in my new class, but i made friends really quickly, especially with one girl.
that girl is friends with my (now-)boyfriend's best friend, whose birthday was about 2 weeks ago. so, i got invited to his party.
now, i'm the legal drinking age but i wasn't in the country for my birthday so it was the first time that i had access to alcohol since i'd turned 16 and it was amazing.
i didn't really know anyone except for the one girl i was friends with, so i just kind of hung out with her and the other girls there, and later, when she was trying to talk to a crush and i was completely drunk, i just kind of stepped into a circle of guys i'd never met with my friend's best friend. he was drunk, too, but would get really mad if someone told him so, and some guy always took away our drinks, saying that he didn't want us to puke.
we both got really mad and the host of the party told us to sit down on the steps in front of his house and sober up for 15 minutes, so there we were and with us, the guy who took away our drinks, my best friend's ex, a friend of his and my best friend's best friend (the one who "wasn't drunk at all". yeah, right.)
my best friend's ex and i started talking since we'd gone to the same music festival and i don't know how it happened, but at some point i was strolling through the dark village, hand in hand with my best friend's ex and his friend.
well, to make a long story even longer, at the end of the night my best friend's ex and i were sleeping on a couch together but we slept for like, 2 hours or so and the rest of the night we made out or just cuddled and talked nonsense. it was pretty awesome until i woke up and found myself next to him, my best friend's ex. well, my best friend kissed the guy she was talking to and she said she was finally over her ex and thought that i'd be perfect for him.
so, in the next week, we kept seeing each other and he asked me to be his girlfriend after that and now we're in this relationship. it's been a pretty awesome week except that i always feel like he's trying to push my face away with his face when we're kissing and that he told me he loved me like 8 days after we even knew each other and at a point when i was drunk but he's a nice guy and i think i'm falling in love with him, as much as a teenager can.)
**
**edit** he couldn't wait any longer and texted me his question. it wasn't about the incident at all. i guess we'll just stay silent about that which is totally fine with me.
|
** i stayed at a guy's house with my boyfriend, had a pretty awesome time. when i woke up, i found a huuuuge blood stain on my shorts and tried to fix it. got home really late, mom was pissed at first. now boyfriend wants to talk to me about something and won't tell me why. also, i can't handle alcohol.
|
ruining my favorite panties...
|
[
"... and my reputation, probably.",
"i guess it's technically \"last friday night ifu\"",
"but whatever.",
"i didn't want to share this story with anyone at",
"first but now i just feel like i need to get it",
"out of my head. also, this is my first post,",
"english is my 2nd language so i might mess up and",
"i made a throwaway for this.",
"be kind, please correct any mistakes or loopholes",
"and such (i'm bad with logic) and there's a tl:dr",
"at the end.",
"but yeah, here goes my story:",
"so, i just got my first *real* boyfriend a little",
"over a week ago- the relationship itself started",
"a little tifuesque (* at the bottom for anyone",
"who cares about that) but i'm pretty happy with",
"him and was excited all week because i got to see",
"him a lot at the lake where everyone goes to hang",
"out and swim and sometimes at some of our mutual",
"friends' places where people just hang out and",
"get drunk.",
"so i didn't have any plans for last friday night",
"and my boyfriend came up with the idea to invite",
"me to a little birthday party at his friends'",
"house even though i didn't know his friend",
"because he wanted me to be there. thinking that",
"that's better than doing nothing, i told him i'd",
"go, rode my bike to his house and from there on,",
"another friend of his' dad picked us up and",
"drove us to the guy's house.",
"everything went great even though i was the only",
"girl at the party and only knew everyone",
"(including my boyfriend) for about 2 weeks. we",
"listened to music, talked and drank some beer and",
"everything was awesome (except for the one time",
"my boyfriend called me his ex's name which made",
"me cringe; he felt bad and everyone gave him shit",
"about it thankfully but yeah, that doesn't have",
"to happen again and if i were really in love with",
"him and hadn't been drunk, that would've hurt).",
"at about 4am everyone else had left (including",
"the guy whose dad took us to the party) and i had",
"abandoned my resolution not to drink alot because",
"i just can't handle alcohol but it tastes so",
"good...",
"so yes, i was drunk and there were 4 of us left:",
"the host of the party, a good friend of my",
"boyfriend that i know pretty well by now and my",
"boyfriend and i. we were just talking, playing on",
"the piano and listening to music as quietly as",
"possible (which is not very quiet if you're",
"drunk) but after a while the one friend passed",
"out on a couch way too small for him.",
"so the host grabbed some blankets and stuff and",
"made himself a \"bed\" on his living room floor for",
"the night, leaving my boyfriend and i a pretty",
"huge couch.",
"being the horny 16 year- olds we are (and also me",
"being drunk), we started making out in the dark",
"and things got pretty hot. i fell asleep topless",
"and woke up some time when the sun was already up",
"to put my bra and shirt back on, only to fall",
"asleep until 11.45 am. so yes, two of my",
"boyfriend's friends and the host's mom probably",
"saw my boobs, after 16 years of no strangers",
"seeing them. cool beans.",
"my first thought when my boyfriend told me what",
"time it was was *oh shit*. i should have been",
"home by 11am and had already pissed my parents",
"off once that week by staying way too long at",
"someone's house without telling them.",
"oh well, we got up and i was still kind of sleepy",
"so i didn't really care and just texted my mom",
"i'd try to make it home as soon as possible.",
"maybe this is some kind of karma thing and a",
"punishment for making my mom worry about me but",
"right before i got up i felt blood trickling down",
"in my panties. *oh shit* again, but it didn't",
"feel bad so i stayed with the guys who ate cold",
"pizza from the night before, peanuts and some",
"kind of candy for \"breakfast\". i tried to wait",
"awhile to not make it seem like i was going to",
"the bathroom because of my period and walked out",
"of the room when i hoped no one would see my ass",
"since i thought there might be a tiny spot on my",
"pants.",
"right where the bathroom was, the host's granny",
"stood and looked at his dog for whatever reason.",
"the nice person i am, i started small talk about",
"what a good dog he was and how he didn't look his",
"age and who i was since she'd never met me, blah",
"blah. i finally just smiled and stood there",
"awkwardly so i went into the bathroom.",
"oh, the horror when i saw my shorts.",
"there was only a tiny mirror really high up so i",
"couldn't see anything but a part of my face but",
"when i took off my shorts there was blood",
"*everywhere*. there was a huge blood stain on the",
"back of my pants, about halfway up the whole",
"shorts and even in the front. i even had some",
"blood on my thighs it kind of looked like i'd",
"crapped my pants, just that it was blood.",
"my legs started shaking, i felt nauseous and i",
"didn't know what the fuck to do, so i just",
"grabbed toilet paper, wet it and wiped away the",
"blood on my legs. since i didn't have anything at",
"all with me except for my cell phone, i couldn't",
"really hide my shorts with anything or change or",
"put on perfume or something to make my situation",
"a little better. so, i just tried washing the",
"shorts in the sink as well, leaving them kind of",
"wet and still with those yellow- ish, gross",
"stains that ladies probably know from that one",
"pair of panties that got ruined when they didn't",
"know they were on their period.",
"then, i pulled down my strapless shirt and the",
"tank i wore on top of it so you couldn't see the",
"shorts but oh my god, was i nervous and i felt so",
"gross.",
"i'd even seen that i'd be on my period soon the",
"night before so what i did was to put a tampon in",
"just in case (usually that's enough for me).",
"there was no trash can or anything in the",
"bathroom so i couldn't put it anywhere. i just",
"stuffed a little toilet paper in my panties and",
"hoped that'd be enough for the little time i had",
"to spend at that guy's house.",
"when i came out of the bathroom, seemingly ages",
"later and probably with a look of terror on my",
"face, my boyfriend sat on the steps across from",
"the bathroom and talked to me as if everything",
"was normal.",
"but from seeing my shorts, i knew that everyone",
"had to have seen the disaster that's been going",
"on down there when i walked to the bathroom, and",
"i was kind of disturbed. he still didn't mention",
"anything, as did the other guys, which made me",
"kind of glad but i felt like shit anyways.",
"so, i told you the guy we got a ride from left",
"the night before, right?",
"well, he was supposed to give us a ride back to",
"my boyfriend's place so that we could go home,",
"and my bike still stood there. it wasn't even",
"secured with a lock, so i didn't even know if it",
"was still there.",
"my mom got really mad at me when i still wasn't",
"home at 1 pm, which was supposed to be the time",
"we ate lunch since we were the only ones home",
"that day, and called me. i asked her if she could",
"pick me up and she got really mad because she had",
"no idea where i was and it would take her about",
"half an hour to get there.",
"in the meantime, we just sat at the host's",
"family's kitchen table and the guys ate breakfast",
"(you can imagine how appealing food seems to",
"someone in my situation- about as yummy as being",
"served dog shit in a bowl) and they decided to",
"play a stupid little dice game, but i was glad",
"because that meant i didn't have to get up and",
"stuff.",
"my boyfriend noticed something was wrong with me",
"and tried to get me to smile, and i honestly",
"tried but i felt so terrible at the same time",
"that it didn't end up looking convincing, i",
"guess.",
"finally, he saw my mom's car drive around outside",
"so i went and ran to her. she drove me, my",
"boyfriend and his friend to the place where my",
"bike was, leaving them to walk home and me to",
"ride my bike home since it didn't fit in the car.",
"well, i finally rode my bike home and hated every",
"second of it. my belly hurt and i felt so",
"miserable, i needed some water or anything like",
"that and i had to pee. oh, and remember that",
"tampon? well, i could remember it pretty well and",
"in my mind, i was already sure that i had toxic",
"shock syndrome, recalling every horror story i",
"had heard about it.",
"fyi, the way i take home from my boyfriend's",
"house takes me 25- 30 minutes usually and most of",
"it is driving on a highway where there's no space",
"for bikes and tons of fast cars. that day, it was",
"about 30 degrees celsius. so, it wasn't fun. at",
"all.",
"so when i got home finally, i was ready to break",
"down and cry. instead, i said hi to my mom, got",
"told that she had 2 options for me to pick from",
"as a punishment and that i should eat something",
"first and then talk to her.",
"so i put my bike where it belongs, took out my",
"tampon (sorry for the gross- ness here),",
"literally sat in the bath tub and let water run",
"over me before i showered properly.",
"then, i tried to save my favorite pair of shorts",
"and panties by washing them but i had no real",
"hope for my panties (they're so awesome, they're",
"from 'murica and i love them).",
"i downed a whole bottle of water and ate pasta",
"without any sauce because i was hungry, but",
"didn't really like the taste of anything anyways.",
"my mom told me i could either not go out for a",
"week or clean our windows as a punishment, and",
"that she'd talked to my dad already and she was",
"really nice about everything since she knew i was",
"sorry by then and i usually am a really good kid.",
"so that was alright, and then i told her a little",
"why i was so upset when i came home.",
"well, i talked to my boyfriend on facebook",
"because that's just what broke people do instead",
"of texting and last night at about 12 or 1 am he",
"decides to fuck with my brain.",
"so, we're just talking about stupid stuff like",
"any stupid teenage couple and about tuesday, when",
"we're going to hang out again, and about this was",
"our conversation:",
"him: *to be honest, we should totally repeat",
"nights like last night*",
"i was tired so i just replied that i totally",
"agree and he told me that he just didn't",
"understand one thing. of course i asked him what",
"because, you know, if you tell me something like",
"that i assume that you want me to ask so you can",
"tell me the whole story. by this point i was",
"already thinking about the panty- disaster again",
"and pretty nervous.",
"so that little jerk tells me that he'd rather",
"tell me in person in 2 days because he thinks",
"it's crappy of him to write it in a message. this",
"is pretty much equivalent of the phrase \"we have",
"to talk\"- you know you fucked up but you can't",
"figure out why and hate the other person for not",
"telling you.",
"so i have no idea what he wants to talk about",
"then. well, if it's the \"incident\" with my period",
"and stuff then i'm just going to tell him the",
"truth, maybe leave out the ~~gory~~ bloody",
"details.",
"(* so here's the stupid tifu story of how i met",
"my boyfriend for anyone who cares about that",
"stuff: i switched schools recently, and i don't",
"know if it's my newly won social awesomeness or",
"the awesome people in my new class, but i made",
"friends really quickly, especially with one girl.",
"that girl is friends with my (now-)boyfriend's",
"best friend, whose birthday was about 2 weeks",
"ago. so, i got invited to his party.",
"now, i'm the legal drinking age but i wasn't in",
"the country for my birthday so it was the first",
"time that i had access to alcohol since i'd",
"turned 16 and it was amazing.",
"i didn't really know anyone except for the one",
"girl i was friends with, so i just kind of hung",
"out with her and the other girls there, and",
"later, when she was trying to talk to a crush and",
"i was completely drunk, i just kind of stepped",
"into a circle of guys i'd never met with my",
"friend's best friend. he was drunk, too, but",
"would get really mad if someone told him so, and",
"some guy always took away our drinks, saying that",
"he didn't want us to puke.",
"we both got really mad and the host of the party",
"told us to sit down on the steps in front of his",
"house and sober up for 15 minutes, so there we",
"were and with us, the guy who took away our",
"drinks, my best friend's ex, a friend of his and",
"my best friend's best friend (the one who \"wasn't",
"drunk at all\". yeah, right.)",
"my best friend's ex and i started talking since",
"we'd gone to the same music festival and i don't",
"know how it happened, but at some point i was",
"strolling through the dark village, hand in hand",
"with my best friend's ex and his friend.",
"well, to make a long story even longer, at the",
"end of the night my best friend's ex and i were",
"sleeping on a couch together but we slept for",
"like, 2 hours or so and the rest of the night we",
"made out or just cuddled and talked nonsense. it",
"was pretty awesome until i woke up and found",
"myself next to him, my best friend's ex. well, my",
"best friend kissed the guy she was talking to and",
"she said she was finally over her ex and thought",
"that i'd be perfect for him.",
"so, in the next week, we kept seeing each other",
"and he asked me to be his girlfriend after that",
"and now we're in this relationship. it's been a",
"pretty awesome week except that i always feel",
"like he's trying to push my face away with his",
"face when we're kissing and that he told me he",
"loved me like 8 days after we even knew each",
"other and at a point when i was drunk but he's a",
"nice guy and i think i'm falling in love with",
"him, as much as a teenager can.)",
"**",
"**edit** he couldn't wait any longer and texted",
"me his question. it wasn't about the incident at",
"all. i guess we'll just stay silent about that",
"which is totally fine with me."
] |
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i just can't handle alcohol but it tastes so *everywhere*. there was a huge blood stain on the to spend at that guy's house. my boyfriend noticed something was wrong with me so when i got home finally, i was ready to break so i have no idea what he wants to talk about was pretty awesome until i woke up and found
|
41 | 7 | 0.89 | 41 |
well, here's the story.
my father, aunt, and i decided to go for a boat ride to a local oceanside restaurant. it's one of those restaurants where you tie your boat up to a mooring, and a launch boat picks you up and takes you to the restaurant.
well today, there were no moorings available, so we had to drop anchor. we(i) dropped anchor behind all of the moored boats for courtesy, and were picked up to the launch. as we get onto the pier, i look at the boats and say to my father "hey, didn't we anchor the boat over there?" the boat didn't seem to be moving, so we assumed everything was fine. in the middle of ordering lunch, my father looks over towards the water, and sees a boat pretty far offshore. jokingly, he says "hey, look, there's our boat." he gets up, goes to the railing, looks closer, and shouts "oh shit!" i stood there, staring at the boat, unsure if it was ours. my aunt said that it wasn't, but i wanted to double check. so i sprinted as fast as possible back to the pier.
it was
back on the dock, my father was screaming at the kid on the launch boat picking up some people, to hurry up and that our boat was drifting away. he took us back to the boat, we brought it back and docked it instead. (mind you, the time between running to the pier and actually getting the boat back was about an hour, so by then, my aunt was having a nervous breakdown, seeing as we just left her there alone while we had to recapture our mighty vessel.) (also, the area was loaded with other boats and had several stone walls. surprisingly, the boat was untouched.)
after getting back and ordering lunch, we all had a good laugh about it.
i don't think it was purely my fault, i think the anchor just didn't catch right.
needless to say, it was a very stressful day, and the food was pretty good.
edit 1:
edit 2: [i drew it](http://i.imgur.com/vsilofd.jpg)
|
anchored a boat, floated away, had nervous breakdown while trying to get it back.**
|
not properly anchoring a boat
|
[
"well, here's the story.",
"my father, aunt, and i decided to go for a boat",
"ride to a local oceanside restaurant. it's one of",
"those restaurants where you tie your boat up to a",
"mooring, and a launch boat picks you up and takes",
"you to the restaurant.",
"well today, there were no moorings available, so",
"we had to drop anchor. we(i) dropped anchor",
"behind all of the moored boats for courtesy, and",
"were picked up to the launch. as we get onto the",
"pier, i look at the boats and say to my father",
"\"hey, didn't we anchor the boat over there?\" the",
"boat didn't seem to be moving, so we assumed",
"everything was fine. in the middle of ordering",
"lunch, my father looks over towards the water,",
"and sees a boat pretty far offshore. jokingly, he",
"says \"hey, look, there's our boat.\" he gets up,",
"goes to the railing, looks closer, and shouts \"oh",
"shit!\" i stood there, staring at the boat, unsure",
"if it was ours. my aunt said that it wasn't, but",
"i wanted to double check. so i sprinted as fast",
"as possible back to the pier.",
"it was",
"back on the dock, my father was screaming at the",
"kid on the launch boat picking up some people, to",
"hurry up and that our boat was drifting away. he",
"took us back to the boat, we brought it back and",
"docked it instead. (mind you, the time between",
"running to the pier and actually getting the boat",
"back was about an hour, so by then, my aunt was",
"having a nervous breakdown, seeing as we just",
"left her there alone while we had to recapture",
"our mighty vessel.) (also, the area was loaded",
"with other boats and had several stone walls.",
"surprisingly, the boat was untouched.)",
"after getting back and ordering lunch, we all had",
"a good laugh about it.",
"i don't think it was purely my fault, i think the",
"anchor just didn't catch right.",
"needless to say, it was a very stressful day, and",
"the food was pretty good.",
"edit 1:",
"edit 2: [i drew",
"it](http://i.imgur.com/vsilofd.jpg)"
] |
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took us back to the boat, we brought it back and having a nervous breakdown, seeing as we just
|
78 | 36 | 0.91 | 78 |
so me and my girlfriend were getting into it and well, she wasn't exactly as wet as needed. we proceed to do the hokey pokey and i feel a pop. i tell her to get off and i'm bleeding. a lot. i start to freak out and realize what happened. i tore my frenulum. we clean it up and try to figure out what to do because everytime i stand up i feel like i'm going to pass out. i eventually gather the strength to get up and walk home from where we were (don't ask) without passing out.
|
don't have dry sex (or not wet enough sex)
|
dry sex
|
[
"so me and my girlfriend were getting into it and",
"well, she wasn't exactly as wet as needed. we",
"proceed to do the hokey pokey and i feel a pop. i",
"tell her to get off and i'm bleeding. a lot. i",
"start to freak out and realize what happened. i",
"tore my frenulum. we clean it up and try to",
"figure out what to do because everytime i stand",
"up i feel like i'm going to pass out. i",
"eventually gather the strength to get up and walk",
"home from where we were (don't ask) without",
"passing out."
] |
[
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well, she wasn't exactly as wet as needed. we
|
75 | 21 | 0.83 | 75 |
some background info for all of you: every night i take gentle laxatives, but two nights ago i may have forgotten to take it.
so this morning i awake eat some breakfast and felt "the beast."
i was looking forward to that sense of relief one usually assumes after a shit, but not today.
it was a toughie, but with some aggressive force it began to move out. it felt like i was passing out a fist sized clump of pointy stones and dry twigs. this thing literally tears me a new anus. after wiping the tissue came away red with blood.
to stop this from recurring i take four times my nightly dose that morning, this turned out to be a worse idea than hitler invading russia.
about two hours later i feel a second assault and assume my position on the toilet. but this was a different beastie, it all came out in one foul swoop. this shart felt like someone shot a dragonsbreath shotgun round out of my colon.
all that awaits me tomorrow is a painful cycle to school and five hours of exams.
|
i forgot to take laxatives, tore my anus, overdosed on laxatives and then created a small explosion in my ass
|
do i reset the counter or?
|
[
"some background info for all of you: every night i",
"take gentle laxatives, but two nights ago i may",
"have forgotten to take it.",
"so this morning i awake eat some breakfast and",
"felt \"the beast.\"",
"i was looking forward to that sense of relief one",
"usually assumes after a shit, but not today.",
"it was a toughie, but with some aggressive force",
"it began to move out. it felt like i was passing",
"out a fist sized clump of pointy stones and dry",
"twigs. this thing literally tears me a new anus.",
"after wiping the tissue came away red with blood.",
"to stop this from recurring i take four times my",
"nightly dose that morning, this turned out to be",
"a worse idea than hitler invading russia.",
"about two hours later i feel a second assault and",
"assume my position on the toilet. but this was a",
"different beastie, it all came out in one foul",
"swoop. this shart felt like someone shot a",
"dragonsbreath shotgun round out of my colon.",
"all that awaits me tomorrow is a painful cycle to",
"school and five hours of exams."
] |
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take gentle laxatives, but two nights ago i may have forgotten to take it. assume my position on the toilet. but this was a
|
494 | 119 | 0.88 | 494 |
today i am not a proud man.
it started like any other day when i work in the evening. i tried to get myself out of bed early to enjoy more of the day. it's a beautiful weather today. sun is shining and not a cloud in the sky. i got up. i ate breakfast. browsed reddit for a while and then it was time for my daily run.
i run every day. i guess you can say i'm a bit of a addict to jogging.
before every run i try to hit the bathroom and get everything out so i don't need to run back home to go take a shit in the middle of my run. it can be a long way to the get home to if you really need to go you know... stomach felt good. nothing out of the ordinary.
i started running and since i've been working out hard the last days i felt a little sore but efter a couple of kilometers everything was back to normal!
fast forward to when i had like 4 kilometers left of my usual path i felt like it might be time to need to think about taking a shortcut home to go to the crapper. but i decided to try to keep going.
but the pressure down there got worse. fast.
now i decided that "yep, i need to get home as quick as possible". i took a shortcut home.
it kept getting worse. i started to "prairie dog it". i though "maybe i need to do it in the woods?" but i couldn't find a good spot or a big enough leaf to use as toilet paper. i felt i needed to take a piss too. so i went behind a bush to do it, hoping it would release som of the pressure. but i couldn't take a piss. i would need to take a shit at the same time.
now i was realizing the seriousness of the situation. this was really getting bad and escalating quick. i was about one km from home. i needed to run quicker!! but the quicker i ran the closer the turd got to getting out of there. at some points i actually had to walk to not lose the control of "the situation".
now i could see my door a hundred meters away. i felt i needed to hold my asshole shut with my hand but there was a lot of people around so i would have looked stupid. i just ran. it was very close now.
five meters from my front door... it was too late. i could keep it back anymore... i was so close... but i was defeted... when the first small piece of poop got out of there there was no way to keep the rest back either.
i walked up the stairs to my appartment feeling like a fucking baby in a dirty diaper. lucklily i didn't meet any of my neighbours.
i got to my bathroom. i tried to get out of my clothes careful. but well.. now i need a new bathroom rug.
i clened myself up. i thought about where everything went wrong. how did i end up here? what did i do wrong? did i really deserve this? what did i eat yesterday?
i did everything i could to remove all evidence of the disaster and then i decided to finish my run. and to got for a couple of more kilometers to make up for the "rest" i got. i ran like one kilometer and then my stomach told me:
**but wait! there's more!**
i had to run home again and take a shit. seriously? yes, seriously. i crapped myself and then i actually had to take a crap 10-15 minutes later. c'mon man...
so i had to run home and then i finally got to finish my run. i wouldn't let a little poop ruin my exercise.
i have taken two showers since the accident and even though i'm clean now i plan on taking at least one more before going to work.
later on a bird actually shit on my laptop when i sat on my balcony.
this is turing out to be a real shitty day.
|
went jogging, shit myself. also i need a new bathroom rug.
|
shitting myself
|
[
"today i am not a proud man.",
"it started like any other day when i work in the",
"evening. i tried to get myself out of bed early",
"to enjoy more of the day. it's a beautiful",
"weather today. sun is shining and not a cloud in",
"the sky. i got up. i ate breakfast. browsed",
"reddit for a while and then it was time for my",
"daily run.",
"i run every day. i guess you can say i'm a bit of",
"a addict to jogging.",
"before every run i try to hit the bathroom and",
"get everything out so i don't need to run back",
"home to go take a shit in the middle of my run.",
"it can be a long way to the get home to if you",
"really need to go you know... stomach felt good.",
"nothing out of the ordinary.",
"i started running and since i've been working out",
"hard the last days i felt a little sore but efter",
"a couple of kilometers everything was back to",
"normal!",
"fast forward to when i had like 4 kilometers left",
"of my usual path i felt like it might be time to",
"need to think about taking a shortcut home to go",
"to the crapper. but i decided to try to keep",
"going.",
"but the pressure down there got worse. fast.",
"now i decided that \"yep, i need to get home as",
"quick as possible\". i took a shortcut home.",
"it kept getting worse. i started to \"prairie dog",
"it\". i though \"maybe i need to do it in the",
"woods?\" but i couldn't find a good spot or a big",
"enough leaf to use as toilet paper. i felt i",
"needed to take a piss too. so i went behind a",
"bush to do it, hoping it would release som of the",
"pressure. but i couldn't take a piss. i would",
"need to take a shit at the same time.",
"now i was realizing the seriousness of the",
"situation. this was really getting bad and",
"escalating quick. i was about one km from home. i",
"needed to run quicker!! but the quicker i ran the",
"closer the turd got to getting out of there. at",
"some points i actually had to walk to not lose",
"the control of \"the situation\".",
"now i could see my door a hundred meters away. i",
"felt i needed to hold my asshole shut with my",
"hand but there was a lot of people around so i",
"would have looked stupid. i just ran. it was very",
"close now.",
"five meters from my front door... it was too",
"late. i could keep it back anymore... i was so",
"close... but i was defeted... when the first",
"small piece of poop got out of there there was no",
"way to keep the rest back either.",
"i walked up the stairs to my appartment feeling",
"like a fucking baby in a dirty diaper. lucklily i",
"didn't meet any of my neighbours.",
"i got to my bathroom. i tried to get out of my",
"clothes careful. but well.. now i need a new",
"bathroom rug.",
"i clened myself up. i thought about where",
"everything went wrong. how did i end up here?",
"what did i do wrong? did i really deserve this?",
"what did i eat yesterday?",
"i did everything i could to remove all evidence",
"of the disaster and then i decided to finish my",
"run. and to got for a couple of more kilometers",
"to make up for the \"rest\" i got. i ran like one",
"kilometer and then my stomach told me:",
"**but wait! there's more!**",
"i had to run home again and take a shit.",
"seriously? yes, seriously. i crapped myself and",
"then i actually had to take a crap 10-15 minutes",
"later. c'mon man...",
"so i had to run home and then i finally got to",
"finish my run. i wouldn't let a little poop ruin",
"my exercise.",
"i have taken two showers since the accident and",
"even though i'm clean now i plan on taking at",
"least one more before going to work.",
"later on a bird actually shit on my laptop when i",
"sat on my balcony.",
"this is turing out to be a real shitty day."
] |
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clothes careful. but well.. now i need a new bathroom rug.
|
20 | 10 | 0.82 | 20 |
so, i'm some pansy-ass clumsy-ass man, so somehow i end up tripping and scraping up my knee, classic scab kinda scrape. so i'm also the kind of pansy man who prefers baths over showers. yeah, i know, i'm such a fucking alpha-male right? and know it's not some bubbly bath, it's just a bath, get over it. so i sink into my tub of water and instant burning from the knee, it's not that bad, more like a slight sensation but noticeable when i bend my knee, so i chill, listening to my shitty mixtape on the cd-player. eventually i get bored and lift my knee out of the gray, murky, testicle juice and think to my self. "hey...i wonder if body wash has any kind of disinfecting powers?" i know, fokin genius right here. so i grab that cvs brand red stuff. mango something or other, and it has those tiny grainy ass-beads in it that are supposed to help clean you somehow? so i flip it up, pop the cap, and sploosh it right ontop of the clean fresh wound. like not just a dollop of daisy, i'm talking fuckin sploosh. a giant glob. one second in, instant pain. the beads grind up against the fresh meat, burning like hell. i instantly dunk my knee into the water making little pain orgasmy noises. "urghoosyeh" "ow wowawawwee woah" the pain won't stop. so i start thrusting my leg up and down trying to splash water around on the knee, so now i'm making retarded noises while having a spasm attack in the murky water. i reach down and try to grab my knee to wipe of the body wash which is apparently goddamn immune to water. so i touch it, instant pain. i let go as i keep making pain squeaks. so manly. i stand out of the water, grab the nearest towel and press it into the wound. so much pain, i rub back and forth, instant extra pain. i hop out of the bath, teary eyed and pissed off. i look in the mirror and see the shithead flustered idiot staring back at me. i put on some clothes, it hurts for cloth to even touch it. my knee stings for like 15 - 30 minutes. not a fun day. reddit, today i fucked up
|
i fucked up by pouring grainy body wash into my fresh knee scab, resulting in manly half-tears
|
trying to disinfect a scab
|
[
"so, i'm some pansy-ass clumsy-ass man, so somehow",
"i end up tripping and scraping up my knee,",
"classic scab kinda scrape. so i'm also the kind",
"of pansy man who prefers baths over showers.",
"yeah, i know, i'm such a fucking alpha-male",
"right? and know it's not some bubbly bath, it's",
"just a bath, get over it. so i sink into my tub",
"of water and instant burning from the knee, it's",
"not that bad, more like a slight sensation but",
"noticeable when i bend my knee, so i chill,",
"listening to my shitty mixtape on the cd-player.",
"eventually i get bored and lift my knee out of",
"the gray, murky, testicle juice and think to my",
"self. \"hey...i wonder if body wash has any kind",
"of disinfecting powers?\" i know, fokin genius",
"right here. so i grab that cvs brand red stuff.",
"mango something or other, and it has those tiny",
"grainy ass-beads in it that are supposed to help",
"clean you somehow? so i flip it up, pop the cap,",
"and sploosh it right ontop of the clean fresh",
"wound. like not just a dollop of daisy, i'm",
"talking fuckin sploosh. a giant glob. one second",
"in, instant pain. the beads grind up against the",
"fresh meat, burning like hell. i instantly dunk",
"my knee into the water making little pain orgasmy",
"noises. \"urghoosyeh\" \"ow wowawawwee woah\" the",
"pain won't stop. so i start thrusting my leg up",
"and down trying to splash water around on the",
"knee, so now i'm making retarded noises while",
"having a spasm attack in the murky water. i reach",
"down and try to grab my knee to wipe of the body",
"wash which is apparently goddamn immune to water.",
"so i touch it, instant pain. i let go as i keep",
"making pain squeaks. so manly. i stand out of the",
"water, grab the nearest towel and press it into",
"the wound. so much pain, i rub back and forth,",
"instant extra pain. i hop out of the bath, teary",
"eyed and pissed off. i look in the mirror and see",
"the shithead flustered idiot staring back at me.",
"i put on some clothes, it hurts for cloth to even",
"touch it. my knee stings for like 15 - 30",
"minutes. not a fun day. reddit, today i fucked up"
] |
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0.46195911082086155,
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self. "hey...i wonder if body wash has any kind minutes. not a fun day. reddit, today i fucked up
|
18 | 11 | 0.74 | 18 |
actually a couple months ago. forgot about it until now. i was on my school trip to dc, it was my first time going there so i was pumped. we went to see all of the main touristy attractions (this is day one) then lastly we go on this big yacht. it is pretty popular but i do not remember the name off of the top of my head. at this point i haven't slept for maybe 48 hours, as i can't sleep in vehicles and it is about an 8 hour ride down. i was sitting with my friend and looking out into the river, on the back of the boat. i lean over the railing and look down. my glasses decide to slide off my face. *shit what do i do now?* i text my mom to tell her my new glasses just fell through the propeller of a huge boat and are now chilling in the potomac. this was only at the start of the ride and i couldn't see at all for the rest of the time. remember this is only day one out of two. i missed on seeing about half of the stuff, including arlington, the lincoln, korean, and vietnam memorials.
edit: my grammars is bad.
|
dropped my new glasses through a propeller into a river on day one of two of a school trip that cost over $300 to go on.
|
on a field trip.
|
[
"actually a couple months ago. forgot about it",
"until now. i was on my school trip to dc, it was",
"my first time going there so i was pumped. we",
"went to see all of the main touristy attractions",
"(this is day one) then lastly we go on this big",
"yacht. it is pretty popular but i do not remember",
"the name off of the top of my head. at this point",
"i haven't slept for maybe 48 hours, as i can't",
"sleep in vehicles and it is about an 8 hour ride",
"down. i was sitting with my friend and looking",
"out into the river, on the back of the boat. i",
"lean over the railing and look down. my glasses",
"decide to slide off my face. *shit what do i do",
"now?* i text my mom to tell her my new glasses",
"just fell through the propeller of a huge boat",
"and are now chilling in the potomac. this was",
"only at the start of the ride and i couldn't see",
"at all for the rest of the time. remember this is",
"only day one out of two. i missed on seeing about",
"half of the stuff, including arlington, the",
"lincoln, korean, and vietnam memorials.",
"edit: my grammars is bad."
] |
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now?* i text my mom to tell her my new glasses just fell through the propeller of a huge boat only day one out of two. i missed on seeing about
|
16 | 5 | 0.71 | 16 |
so i'm at my grandpa's house and i haven't masturbated in like 10 hours(i'm 14 and it's don't stop december). obviously i decide to go into the bathroom and do the deed. i usually use pantene conditioner as lubricant at my house and it does the job well, but my grandpa doesn't have pantene; he has this natural tree root herbal extract conditioner shit, but i figured it'll be just the same as pantene. so when i'm doing the deed my dick starts to feel minty and i see some of the conditioner slip into the cum canal... i thought nothing of this and when i tried to pee afterwards i felt the force of and entire spice cabinet exploding in my urethra, it took me at least half an hour to pee... i'm gonna guess that my sister in the room next to the bathroom knows...
|
didn't use pantene, got herbs up my urethra
|
masturbating with conditioner
|
[
"so i'm at my grandpa's house and i haven't",
"masturbated in like 10 hours(i'm 14 and it's",
"don't stop december). obviously i decide to go",
"into the bathroom and do the deed. i usually use",
"pantene conditioner as lubricant at my house and",
"it does the job well, but my grandpa doesn't have",
"pantene; he has this natural tree root herbal",
"extract conditioner shit, but i figured it'll be",
"just the same as pantene. so when i'm doing the",
"deed my dick starts to feel minty and i see some",
"of the conditioner slip into the cum canal... i",
"thought nothing of this and when i tried to pee",
"afterwards i felt the force of and entire spice",
"cabinet exploding in my urethra, it took me at",
"least half an hour to pee... i'm gonna guess that",
"my sister in the room next to the bathroom",
"knows..."
] |
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cabinet exploding in my urethra, it took me at
|
739 | 159 | 0.91 | 739 |
so there i was showering, just minding my own business, when a sudden urge for a super fart presents itself to me. i let rip a monstrous fart, and before i know it a terrible smell wafts up to my nose. now, this was no normal fart smell, but something completely different, so i turn around. my shower handle and below it are almost completely coated brown. i let loose a mini-nuke of fart-poop, engulfing my shower handle in a thick coating of liquid molten shit. i tried to wash it away by using a few different kinds of soaps and shampoos, but alas, the smell lingers. still deciding what to do about the situation.
update: hey guys, thanks for all the tips and comforting words. the smell is gone, and everything seems to be better now, but damn..... what a morning.
edit: shower head into shower handle.
|
let loose a mini-nuke of molten poop all over my shower.
|
farting in the shower.
|
[
"so there i was showering, just minding my own",
"business, when a sudden urge for a super fart",
"presents itself to me. i let rip a monstrous",
"fart, and before i know it a terrible smell wafts",
"up to my nose. now, this was no normal fart",
"smell, but something completely different, so i",
"turn around. my shower handle and below it are",
"almost completely coated brown. i let loose a",
"mini-nuke of fart-poop, engulfing my shower",
"handle in a thick coating of liquid molten shit.",
"i tried to wash it away by using a few different",
"kinds of soaps and shampoos, but alas, the smell",
"lingers. still deciding what to do about the",
"situation.",
"update: hey guys, thanks for all the tips and",
"comforting words. the smell is gone, and",
"everything seems to be better now, but damn.....",
"what a morning.",
"edit: shower head into shower handle."
] |
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almost completely coated brown. i let loose a mini-nuke of fart-poop, engulfing my shower
|
0 | 7 | 0.5 | 0 |
backgound: so me and this girl (she is 4 years older than me) used to go out but we broke up, she really liked me but we broke up because i lied i know i shouldn't have done that but besides that i was the best boyfriend i could be. so she went to college and we talked here and their and pretty much recently we started talking again and we have been hanging out as friends, i've always been emotionally attached to her no matter what, so one time were hanging out we're locked in each other arms and we are both really close and i kiss her, and pretty much we end up in my room making out on top of each other, we did everything fingering,hand of skirt, bj, except sexual intercourse and i'm fine with that, so we do this again next weekend, and we keep doing this for a while, she told me she's not ready for a relationship even though we do everything a couple does, i know she doesn't want other people to know because of the age gap, anyways i promise that i won't tell anybody and that i won't get to serious. now time for the story
so a couple hours ago we head over to her house and we watch tv and hand up the shirt. but somethings different i think, i can't really place a name on it, while we are messing around she was texting another guy(she has had sexual relations with this guy before) i can't really see what she is texting about but she responds the second he txts, anyways she brings me back to my house and i invite her inside its like midnight now, she says she is going meet a friend, when she says stuff like this i know that she is hanging out with a guy, so pretty much i suspect that she is messing around with other guys. look i know that we made a deal not to get serious but i can't help myself, i've known her for 2 years already. i got angry/depressed and managed not to say anything or act mad to her, but when i got home i started taking some vyvanse out of rage and started busting out homework and writing this long ass post. i just don't want to feel like this about her, i'm lost guys and don't know what to do. maybe its because i'm not ready for this kind of relationship, maybe i'm overreacting, a little advice, i really love this girl and i know she cares about me. ill answer questions if you need more insight
sorry for the rant, and i'm sorry for all the guys who have their heats broken <3
|
please read but if u didn't, i hooked up with ex and even though i know she doesn't want to be serious i got attached and i think she is sleeping with someone else which made me super depressed and angry and i took more vyvanse than i should have.**
|
believing that i can get back with my ex into a relationship(another heartbreak story) /relapse
|
[
"backgound: so me and this girl (she is 4 years",
"older than me) used to go out but we broke up,",
"she really liked me but we broke up because i",
"lied i know i shouldn't have done that but",
"besides that i was the best boyfriend i could be.",
"so she went to college and we talked here and",
"their and pretty much recently we started talking",
"again and we have been hanging out as friends,",
"i've always been emotionally attached to her no",
"matter what, so one time were hanging out we're",
"locked in each other arms and we are both really",
"close and i kiss her, and pretty much we end up",
"in my room making out on top of each other, we",
"did everything fingering,hand of skirt, bj,",
"except sexual intercourse and i'm fine with that,",
"so we do this again next weekend, and we keep",
"doing this for a while, she told me she's not",
"ready for a relationship even though we do",
"everything a couple does, i know she doesn't want",
"other people to know because of the age gap,",
"anyways i promise that i won't tell anybody and",
"that i won't get to serious. now time for the",
"story",
"so a couple hours ago we head over to her house",
"and we watch tv and hand up the shirt. but",
"somethings different i think, i can't really",
"place a name on it, while we are messing around",
"she was texting another guy(she has had sexual",
"relations with this guy before) i can't really",
"see what she is texting about but she responds",
"the second he txts, anyways she brings me back to",
"my house and i invite her inside its like",
"midnight now, she says she is going meet a",
"friend, when she says stuff like this i know that",
"she is hanging out with a guy, so pretty much i",
"suspect that she is messing around with other",
"guys. look i know that we made a deal not to get",
"serious but i can't help myself, i've known her",
"for 2 years already. i got angry/depressed and",
"managed not to say anything or act mad to her,",
"but when i got home i started taking some vyvanse",
"out of rage and started busting out homework and",
"writing this long ass post. i just don't want to",
"feel like this about her, i'm lost guys and don't",
"know what to do. maybe its because i'm not ready",
"for this kind of relationship, maybe i'm",
"overreacting, a little advice, i really love this",
"girl and i know she cares about me. ill answer",
"questions if you need more insight",
"sorry for the rant, and i'm sorry for all the",
"guys who have their heats broken <3"
] |
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older than me) used to go out but we broke up, ready for a relationship even though we do everything a couple does, i know she doesn't want somethings different i think, i can't really suspect that she is messing around with other for 2 years already. i got angry/depressed and
|
0 | 0 | 0.58 | 0 |
so, not really much to say on this. i wanted to see if i could clear the height of my counter in my house with a jump and ended up cracking my back midair. now i'm sitting here in a decent amount of pain and hoping it passes. at least i managed to walk it off like i was fine with the people that were witness to my spectacular feat.
|
i can make the jump.
|
jumping in place.
|
[
"so, not really much to say on this. i wanted to",
"see if i could clear the height of my counter in",
"my house with a jump and ended up cracking my",
"back midair. now i'm sitting here in a decent",
"amount of pain and hoping it passes. at least i",
"managed to walk it off like i was fine with the",
"people that were witness to my spectacular feat."
] |
[
0,
1,
0.05881607144530207,
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see if i could clear the height of my counter in
|
4 | 8 | 0.59 | 4 |
so i bought this really cool toy from amazon
http://www.amazon.com/butterfly-trainer-black-powder-coated/dp/b004sdx8bi/ref=pd_bxgy_sg_img_y
and i decided, "hey, it would be a great idea to carry this to work and then mess with it on break."
bad idea, work part wasn't the bad idea, what happened after work was.
so i worked, no problem, messed with it on break, in the crew room as to not scare people and make them think it was a real knife. left work around 10 pm, i started flipping it around, because my walk is a mile and a 1/2, very boring. dubstep playing, all that jazz. i meet up with a friend and we chill at his house with his gf and bro. that was about 10:30 pm that i left, continuing walk home, crossing the street and a cop drives by slowly, cuts me off and gets out of his car.
he asks if i have a knife, i say, "i do, but the blade is flat, nonexistent even. may i ask why you stopped me?"
he goes on about how someone called the cops saying someone was walking with a knife, flipping it around and such. i say ok, and he then asks to see it, it has a latch that keeps it locked close, so i undo that and hand him it. he asks why i have it, i tell him that i wanted to get into tricks with it. proceeds to tell me that it is illegal because the blade is more than 3 inches (michigan concealed knife law). tells me he should take it, then looks up my record from my id. tells me it was a warning and not to carry it. he says alright go home and be safe, blah blah blah.
not really a fuck up but just dumb luck.
first post btw, so sorry for wall of text
|
bought a butterfly knife trainer, carried it around on the street, got stopped by the cops because someone thought i was on my way to kill someone and called the cops
|
carrying my butterfly knife trainer on me today
|
[
"so i bought this really cool toy from amazon",
"http://www.amazon.com/butterfly-trainer-black-pow",
"der-coated/dp/b004sdx8bi/ref=pd_bxgy_sg_img_y",
"and i decided, \"hey, it would be a great idea to",
"carry this to work and then mess with it on",
"break.\"",
"bad idea, work part wasn't the bad idea, what",
"happened after work was.",
"so i worked, no problem, messed with it on break,",
"in the crew room as to not scare people and make",
"them think it was a real knife. left work around",
"10 pm, i started flipping it around, because my",
"walk is a mile and a 1/2, very boring. dubstep",
"playing, all that jazz. i meet up with a friend",
"and we chill at his house with his gf and bro.",
"that was about 10:30 pm that i left, continuing",
"walk home, crossing the street and a cop drives",
"by slowly, cuts me off and gets out of his car.",
"he asks if i have a knife, i say, \"i do, but the",
"blade is flat, nonexistent even. may i ask why",
"you stopped me?\"",
"he goes on about how someone called the cops",
"saying someone was walking with a knife, flipping",
"it around and such. i say ok, and he then asks to",
"see it, it has a latch that keeps it locked",
"close, so i undo that and hand him it. he asks",
"why i have it, i tell him that i wanted to get",
"into tricks with it. proceeds to tell me that it",
"is illegal because the blade is more than 3",
"inches (michigan concealed knife law). tells me",
"he should take it, then looks up my record from",
"my id. tells me it was a warning and not to carry",
"it. he says alright go home and be safe, blah",
"blah blah.",
"not really a fuck up but just dumb luck.",
"first post btw, so sorry for wall of text"
] |
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10 pm, i started flipping it around, because my walk home, crossing the street and a cop drives he goes on about how someone called the cops saying someone was walking with a knife, flipping
|
343 | 141 | 0.9 | 343 |
title says it all. i have to be up early tomorrow for some volunteering shit with my girlfriend. i had intended to take an adderall tomorrow morning because i also haveresearch to do afterwards. seeing as i have to get up early, i wanted to be well rested---so i went to take a unisom sleeping tablet. first, i went to grab the aderall to bring with me to my girlfriends so i wouldn't forget it. signals got crossed and i took the adderall. about 15 minutes later, i realize my mistake. now i am staying home and praying that i can get a minute of sleep.
|
meant to take sleeping drug, took amphetamine instead.
|
accidentally taking an adderall when i meant to take a tylenol pm
|
[
"title says it all. i have to be up early tomorrow",
"for some volunteering shit with my girlfriend. i",
"had intended to take an adderall tomorrow morning",
"because i also haveresearch to do afterwards.",
"seeing as i have to get up early, i wanted to be",
"well rested---so i went to take a unisom sleeping",
"tablet. first, i went to grab the aderall to",
"bring with me to my girlfriends so i wouldn't",
"forget it. signals got crossed and i took the",
"adderall. about 15 minutes later, i realize my",
"mistake. now i am staying home and praying that",
"i can get a minute of sleep."
] |
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well rested---so i went to take a unisom sleeping
|
5 | 7 | 0.86 | 5 |
so i recently purchased a used $100.0 16 foot trampoline off of craigs list with my best friend. me, his brother and i were all bouncing today and practicing front flips it was my turn next so i started hopping building up momentum. in the next second i jumped with the highest bounce i could manage and when i reached the peek of my jump i knew it was my cue to act. however, that is when faltered and locked my leg onto the trampoline the pain i next endured was the most excruciating experience since i ran full force into a cactus. god it still fuckin' hurts....:(
|
:was with friends, shock from 5' jump onto tramp went entirely into right knee joint.
|
locking my leg on a trampoline.
|
[
"so i recently purchased a used $100.0 16 foot",
"trampoline off of craigs list with my best",
"friend. me, his brother and i were all bouncing",
"today and practicing front flips it was my turn",
"next so i started hopping building up momentum.",
"in the next second i jumped with the highest",
"bounce i could manage and when i reached the peek",
"of my jump i knew it was my cue to act. however,",
"that is when faltered and locked my leg onto the",
"trampoline the pain i next endured was the most",
"excruciating experience since i ran full force",
"into a cactus. god it still fuckin' hurts....:("
] |
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trampoline off of craigs list with my best of my jump i knew it was my cue to act. however,
|
593 | 169 | 0.89 | 593 |
so my best friend likes my 2nd cousin. i've been trying to get them together for a few weeks now but she just isn't warming up to him so i meet up with her in person. (we live quite closeby in the countryside.) we decided to rendez-vous at the graveyard. we sit down on the edge of a grave because there's nowhere else to sit. i'm trying to persuade her into getting with my friend when she tells me to close my eyes. i comply and badda bing baddo boom we're making out. on somebody's grave. so the grave is covered by one large flag-stone. she pushes me back onto it in the middle of our passionate kissing and the fucking flag cracks down the middle and breaks in two. it's in a v-shape. we both proceeded to run out of there.
gladly we got away with it.
edit: against my libido's better judgement, i've decided not to pursue this relationship. we would eventually end up getting feelings for each other which could get messy. also i kind of kind of made out with a different girl who i'm not related to. (i hope.)
|
a sudden incest appeared.
|
making out with my cousin in a graveyard.
|
[
"so my best friend likes my 2nd cousin. i've been",
"trying to get them together for a few weeks now",
"but she just isn't warming up to him so i meet up",
"with her in person. (we live quite closeby in the",
"countryside.) we decided to rendez-vous at the",
"graveyard. we sit down on the edge of a grave",
"because there's nowhere else to sit. i'm trying",
"to persuade her into getting with my friend when",
"she tells me to close my eyes. i comply and badda",
"bing baddo boom we're making out. on somebody's",
"grave. so the grave is covered by one large",
"flag-stone. she pushes me back onto it in the",
"middle of our passionate kissing and the fucking",
"flag cracks down the middle and breaks in two.",
"it's in a v-shape. we both proceeded to run out",
"of there.",
"gladly we got away with it.",
"edit: against my libido's better judgement, i've",
"decided not to pursue this relationship. we would",
"eventually end up getting feelings for each other",
"which could get messy. also i kind of kind of",
"made out with a different girl who i'm not",
"related to. (i hope.)"
] |
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made out with a different girl who i'm not
|
429 | 34 | 0.93 | 429 |
so about a week ago, i used my new electric shaver to shorten my hair. my uncle saw that i can do it pretty well, and wanted me to shorten his hair as well. being a good nephew, i accepted and proceeded to do it using my new shaver.
now here's where shit *starts* to hit the fan- i started shaving from the top, and then i realized something's not right. i accidentally forgot to change the length on the shaver, and i ended up giving him a number 1 haircut (a 0 will make you bald). i already shaved some of his head, so i couldn't just change it back to a higher number, because it will look terrible.
but oh no, this isn't all. my uncle had cancer around 3 years ago and he's still traumatized from the cancer, hospital and all the things they had to do to in order to get rid of the cancer.
he now looks like he has cancer again thanks to me. tifu badly, reddit :(
***edit: to those of you who're saying that 1 is far from bald: his hair is white and sparse. i'm not saying that people with #1 hair length look like cancer patients.***
|
accidentally made my uncle looks like a cancer patient again.
|
giving my uncle a haircut.
|
[
"so about a week ago, i used my new electric shaver",
"to shorten my hair. my uncle saw that i can do it",
"pretty well, and wanted me to shorten his hair as",
"well. being a good nephew, i accepted and",
"proceeded to do it using my new shaver.",
"now here's where shit *starts* to hit the fan- i",
"started shaving from the top, and then i realized",
"something's not right. i accidentally forgot to",
"change the length on the shaver, and i ended up",
"giving him a number 1 haircut (a 0 will make you",
"bald). i already shaved some of his head, so i",
"couldn't just change it back to a higher number,",
"because it will look terrible.",
"but oh no, this isn't all. my uncle had cancer",
"around 3 years ago and he's still traumatized",
"from the cancer, hospital and all the things they",
"had to do to in order to get rid of the cancer.",
"he now looks like he has cancer again thanks to",
"me. tifu badly, reddit :(",
"***edit: to those of you who're saying that 1 is",
"far from bald: his hair is white and sparse. i'm",
"not saying that people with #1 hair length look",
"like cancer patients.***"
] |
[
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0,
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0.5636381386760688
] |
but oh no, this isn't all. my uncle had cancer he now looks like he has cancer again thanks to
|
16 | 9 | 0.77 | 16 |
this happened to my friend today. "i was a few minutes late to class today. our professor (of our professional doctorate program, who is relatively young and attractive) regularly sends around a sign in sheet to check that we're all there for "participation points" (see, grade padding). the sign in sheet had already gone through and i didn't get to sign in, so i think "hey, i'll just send her an email letting her know i'm in class."
mistake.
after a couple hours i look and see that i accidentally sent it from my undergraduate email account. the signature of said account is "daddy." therefore, the email i sent said:
dr._____,
i am in class today, but i was a few minutes late and missed the sign in sheet. just wanted to let you know.
daddy.
|
sent an email from a wrong address, essentially told my professor that my name is now daddy. awkward sexual tension expected.
|
telling my graduate school professor to call me daddy.
|
[
"this happened to my friend today. \"i was a few",
"minutes late to class today. our professor (of",
"our professional doctorate program, who is",
"relatively young and attractive) regularly sends",
"around a sign in sheet to check that we're all",
"there for \"participation points\" (see, grade",
"padding). the sign in sheet had already gone",
"through and i didn't get to sign in, so i think",
"\"hey, i'll just send her an email letting her",
"know i'm in class.\"",
"mistake.",
"after a couple hours i look and see that i",
"accidentally sent it from my undergraduate email",
"account. the signature of said account is",
"\"daddy.\" therefore, the email i sent said:",
"dr._____,",
"i am in class today, but i was a few minutes late",
"and missed the sign in sheet. just wanted to let",
"you know.",
"daddy."
] |
[
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0,
0,
0,
0.5254918241349953
] |
"hey, i'll just send her an email letting her accidentally sent it from my undergraduate email daddy.
|
16 | 5 | 0.81 | 16 |
i woke up late, spent too much time at a tent sale and had to get in to study for the mcat. the time was about 1 pm, so i'd lost the chance to study this morning. i drove from the tent sale to my parents' house to show off the wetsuit i just bought and grab a quick bite to eat. sure, they said, there's sliced chicken and kaiser rolls in the fridge.
plate of chicken, check. kaiser rolls, slightly stale, check. now i need some sauce to make this whole thing come together. they immediately suggest [this thai dipping sauce that is awesome](http://www.loblaws.ca/en_ca/products/productlisting/pc_memories_of_thailand_fiery_chili_pepper_sauceprod20020.html), but i know what i came for. i'm here for the sriracha glaze. basically, you simmer a bunch of sriracha with some blackcurrant jam and mirin (sweet rice wine condiment) and it tastes insane. without a second thought, i toss the thai sauce on one side of the bun, the chicken on top of it, the glaze on the chicken, and the bun on top. i begin to eat way too fast, but i am on a goddamn schedule people, speed is the name of the game.
sandwich was alright. i should have toasted the stale-ass bun, but i quickly forgot that mistake as i heard/felt a sickening gritty **crunch**. i stop eating and quickly spit out the mouthful of stale bread, chicken and red sauces to find an inch-long shard of broken glass. fuck! where the fuck did that come from!? i clear my mouth of all remaining food, finding very few if any other pieces. i'm not bleeding. one of my teeth feels rougher than usual, maybe scratched or something, but i'm not bleeding. after investigating, we found that the shard came from the jam jar used to make that sweet sriracha glaze. the sense of betrayal was palpable, sauce. you were so delicious, but you tried to kill me.
mom, i am sorry about how bad you feel over all this and i should definitely slow down when i eat, but i was pressed for time and that was a big honking piece of glass in that sauce/my mouth. i feel justified in freaking out a little.
|
chicken, sriracha glaze, thai sauce and broken glass sandwich
|
eating a sandwich.
|
[
"i woke up late, spent too much time at a tent sale",
"and had to get in to study for the mcat. the time",
"was about 1 pm, so i'd lost the chance to study",
"this morning. i drove from the tent sale to my",
"parents' house to show off the wetsuit i just",
"bought and grab a quick bite to eat. sure, they",
"said, there's sliced chicken and kaiser rolls in",
"the fridge.",
"plate of chicken, check. kaiser rolls, slightly",
"stale, check. now i need some sauce to make this",
"whole thing come together. they immediately",
"suggest [this thai dipping sauce that is",
"awesome](http://www.loblaws.ca/en_ca/products/pro",
"ductlisting/pc_memories_of_thailand_fiery_chili_pe",
"pper_sauceprod20020.html),",
"but i know what i came for. i'm here for the",
"sriracha glaze. basically, you simmer a bunch of",
"sriracha with some blackcurrant jam and mirin",
"(sweet rice wine condiment) and it tastes insane.",
"without a second thought, i toss the thai sauce",
"on one side of the bun, the chicken on top of it,",
"the glaze on the chicken, and the bun on top. i",
"begin to eat way too fast, but i am on a goddamn",
"schedule people, speed is the name of the game.",
"sandwich was alright. i should have toasted the",
"stale-ass bun, but i quickly forgot that mistake",
"as i heard/felt a sickening gritty **crunch**. i",
"stop eating and quickly spit out the mouthful of",
"stale bread, chicken and red sauces to find an",
"inch-long shard of broken glass. fuck! where the",
"fuck did that come from!? i clear my mouth of all",
"remaining food, finding very few if any other",
"pieces. i'm not bleeding. one of my teeth feels",
"rougher than usual, maybe scratched or something,",
"but i'm not bleeding. after investigating, we",
"found that the shard came from the jam jar used",
"to make that sweet sriracha glaze. the sense of",
"betrayal was palpable, sauce. you were so",
"delicious, but you tried to kill me.",
"mom, i am sorry about how bad you feel over all",
"this and i should definitely slow down when i",
"eat, but i was pressed for time and that was a",
"big honking piece of glass in that sauce/my",
"mouth. i feel justified in freaking out a little."
] |
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] |
sriracha glaze. basically, you simmer a bunch of inch-long shard of broken glass. fuck! where the
|
50 | 18 | 0.9 | 50 |
i'm at starbucks with my dad and his girlfriend (his girlfriend hates me for whatever reason). he hands me his smartphone, because he has an app where the cashier can just scan the screen and it takes money directly out of his starbucks account.
so, i'm really bad with technology. i have a flip phone, and how smartphones work is basically beyond me. so to be honest, i don't know how it happened... but after the cashier scanned the phone, i didn't turn the screen off because i forgot. i'm still holding it in my hand, not looking at it, waiting for my order. then i think, "oh, i should turn the screen off". i look down to try to figure out how to turn off the screen... and i see it.
i somehow ended up in his pictures folder. i see one row of pictures of him and his girlfriend, smiling and posing and things in normal pictures, and then there are three thumbnail rows of pictures that... i don't want to go into detail. god, i do *not* want to go into detail. but let's just say, they were pictures taken of my dad and his girlfriend, from his pov, many shots of which include her face. so there is absolutely no mistaking it.
i only saw it for about half a millisecond before i shut off the phone entirely with the power button, but it is forever ingrained in my head.
i go to hand the phone back, face red, trying to act cool but failing. my dad instantly asks what is wrong, and i say in a choked voice, "maybe you should make a separate folder."
he starts looking panicky, going "why? what did you see?"
and i said, trying not to blow the whole thing out of proportion, "it was an accident, i accessed your pictures folder somehow. it's cool. it's fine. just, you shouldn't... have... everything... in one folder."
my dad's girlfriend gets suddenly enraged and tells my dad, "obviously she can't use your phone anymore if she's going to be immature enough to browse your pictures. invading your privacy like that. that's unacceptable."
i go, "why would i want to snoop through my dad's pictures? it was an accident, and i'm not making a big deal out of it. there's no reason for you to."
but she's really mad, and she goes repeatedly, "you can't use his phone anymore." like it's my fault. and like it's her phone.
my dad just sat quietly. the rest of the day was awkward. my dad's girlfriend didn't even look at me except to glare at me for the rest of the day. i took my car to go to my apartment early.
|
i cannot technology, and somehow, through my astronomically terrible luck, saw literally the last thing on earth that i'd ever fucking want to see.
|
accidentally finding porn my dad made with his girlfriend on his phone.
|
[
"i'm at starbucks with my dad and his girlfriend",
"(his girlfriend hates me for whatever reason). he",
"hands me his smartphone, because he has an app",
"where the cashier can just scan the screen and it",
"takes money directly out of his starbucks",
"account.",
"so, i'm really bad with technology. i have a flip",
"phone, and how smartphones work is basically",
"beyond me. so to be honest, i don't know how it",
"happened... but after the cashier scanned the",
"phone, i didn't turn the screen off because i",
"forgot. i'm still holding it in my hand, not",
"looking at it, waiting for my order. then i",
"think, \"oh, i should turn the screen off\". i look",
"down to try to figure out how to turn off the",
"screen... and i see it.",
"i somehow ended up in his pictures folder. i see",
"one row of pictures of him and his girlfriend,",
"smiling and posing and things in normal pictures,",
"and then there are three thumbnail rows of",
"pictures that... i don't want to go into detail.",
"god, i do *not* want to go into detail. but let's",
"just say, they were pictures taken of my dad and",
"his girlfriend, from his pov, many shots of which",
"include her face. so there is absolutely no",
"mistaking it.",
"i only saw it for about half a millisecond before",
"i shut off the phone entirely with the power",
"button, but it is forever ingrained in my head.",
"i go to hand the phone back, face red, trying to",
"act cool but failing. my dad instantly asks what",
"is wrong, and i say in a choked voice, \"maybe you",
"should make a separate folder.\"",
"he starts looking panicky, going \"why? what did",
"you see?\"",
"and i said, trying not to blow the whole thing",
"out of proportion, \"it was an accident, i",
"accessed your pictures folder somehow. it's cool.",
"it's fine. just, you shouldn't... have...",
"everything... in one folder.\"",
"my dad's girlfriend gets suddenly enraged and",
"tells my dad, \"obviously she can't use your phone",
"anymore if she's going to be immature enough to",
"browse your pictures. invading your privacy like",
"that. that's unacceptable.\"",
"i go, \"why would i want to snoop through my dad's",
"pictures? it was an accident, and i'm not making",
"a big deal out of it. there's no reason for you",
"to.\"",
"but she's really mad, and she goes repeatedly,",
"\"you can't use his phone anymore.\" like it's my",
"fault. and like it's her phone.",
"my dad just sat quietly. the rest of the day was",
"awkward. my dad's girlfriend didn't even look at",
"me except to glare at me for the rest of the day.",
"i took my car to go to my apartment early."
] |
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] |
you see?" and i said, trying not to blow the whole thing that. that's unacceptable." i go, "why would i want to snoop through my dad's
|
1 | 2 | 0.57 | 1 |
so i woke up a little earlier than usual, i decided to get an early start to my morning (read: my subreddits haven't had much activity in the 5 hours since i fell asleep browsing r/wtf)
being the vry srs grown up that i am, i decide am going to use the few extra minutes to pass the shop vac over the carpet in the spare bedroom/home gym/dressing room/animal housing room, to clean up after my 6 [degus](http://i.imgur.com/jyt0hf8.jpg) (say hi to dactyl!! very cute, but very messy little rascals they are!)
i had forgotten that i'd also turned on the space heater earlier in the morning to get dressed in here. (yifu & left a window open, making the room a little chilly for those not covered in fur)
so one blown fuse later, here i sit
...half nekked and back on reddit...
**why can't i quit you!**
edit: link & grammar
|
1 shop vac + 1 space heater + 1 space case = blown fuse & i'm getting dressed in the dark.
|
trying to make the most of my morning
|
[
"so i woke up a little earlier than usual, i",
"decided to get an early start to my morning",
"(read: my subreddits haven't had much activity in",
"the 5 hours since i fell asleep browsing r/wtf)",
"being the vry srs grown up that i am, i decide am",
"going to use the few extra minutes to pass the",
"shop vac over the carpet in the spare",
"bedroom/home gym/dressing room/animal housing",
"room, to clean up after my 6",
"[degus](http://i.imgur.com/jyt0hf8.jpg) (say hi",
"to dactyl!! very cute, but very messy little",
"rascals they are!)",
"i had forgotten that i'd also turned on the space",
"heater earlier in the morning to get dressed in",
"here. (yifu & left a window open, making the room",
"a little chilly for those not covered in fur)",
"so one blown fuse later, here i sit",
"...half nekked and back on reddit...",
"**why can't i quit you!**",
"edit: link & grammar"
] |
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shop vac over the carpet in the spare heater earlier in the morning to get dressed in
|
228 | 80 | 0.9 | 228 |
ok, so i go to walmart for one sole purpose. gushers.
i get there and i spend literally around 30 minutes looking for them. after a long time of searching for gushers i had no luck so i decide to ask an employee. there were many out there but i went to this girl in particular. super hot, my height too and that's rare, bro.
i start to head her way. on the way i decide to drink the soda i had in my hand to freshen up my mouth, which was stupid to begin with. i get to her and as i open my mouth, i forget that i have soda in my stupid mouth. all of the soda comes spilling out on to my shirt and her shoes as well. i started to apologize immediately and crouch down to wipe some of the soda off of the floor with my knees. more soda comes spilling out of the can because i'm so red faced and embarrassed that i don't realize i tipped the can over. so now there's a bunch of soda all over the floor, her shoes and my shirt. awesome.
and to top it off, i asked her were the gushers were at after all of that. she was so pissed, i could tell. it was one in the fucking morning. who the fuck goes to walmart at one a.m. for some fucking gushers anyway?! it's 2:17 a.m. and i'm pretty sure my face is still red.
|
; i aproach super sexy, female, walmart employee. spill soda all over her, me and the floor, then ask her for the location of gushers.**
|
asking a super sexy walmart employee where gushers were.
|
[
"ok, so i go to walmart for one sole purpose.",
"gushers.",
"i get there and i spend literally around 30",
"minutes looking for them. after a long time of",
"searching for gushers i had no luck so i decide",
"to ask an employee. there were many out there but",
"i went to this girl in particular. super hot, my",
"height too and that's rare, bro.",
"i start to head her way. on the way i decide to",
"drink the soda i had in my hand to freshen up my",
"mouth, which was stupid to begin with. i get to",
"her and as i open my mouth, i forget that i have",
"soda in my stupid mouth. all of the soda comes",
"spilling out on to my shirt and her shoes as",
"well. i started to apologize immediately and",
"crouch down to wipe some of the soda off of the",
"floor with my knees. more soda comes spilling out",
"of the can because i'm so red faced and",
"embarrassed that i don't realize i tipped the can",
"over. so now there's a bunch of soda all over the",
"floor, her shoes and my shirt. awesome.",
"and to top it off, i asked her were the gushers",
"were at after all of that. she was so pissed, i",
"could tell. it was one in the fucking morning.",
"who the fuck goes to walmart at one a.m. for some",
"fucking gushers anyway?! it's 2:17 a.m. and i'm",
"pretty sure my face is still red."
] |
[
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] |
gushers. over. so now there's a bunch of soda all over the floor, her shoes and my shirt. awesome.
|
13 | 2 | 0.78 | 13 |
a while back when i was still attending high school, i had a class called competitive sports and games. it was my favorite class because it basically consisted of just playing different sports and chilling with friends. although many kids joked around a lot, we played very rough & were actually really good. most people in the class played one, if not multiple varsity sports, so it was a very athletic class.
but one day, we were playing indoor hockey in the gym. like usually, it was an pretty intense match. the details are a little hazy, but i remember a player on the opposing team hit the puck towards my team's goal. focusing completely on intercepting the puck before an opposing player received it, i am startled when i look up and notice another player [1 of only 2 girls in the class] standing directly in my path. foreseeing a bad collision, i attempted to stop before i ran into her,but it was too late. i rammed right into her. the collision itself didn't seem so bad, but when she hit the floor, my heart dropped as i heard the **thud** of her head hitting the gym floor. she laid on the ground, motionless for what seemed like an eternity. after some unknown time-frame, she was able to get up and walk to the out-of-bounds area. the teacher noticed her injury looked pretty serious and appointed a classmate to walk her to the nurse's office. i thought she would just shake it off and be back in a little. i was wrong.
i went about the rest of the school-day like normal. the next day when i came to school though, a classmate who was also in my competitive sports and games course told me how seriously i injured the girl. after i went home the day before, the school had to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital. it turned out she had suffered a pretty serious concussion and couldn't even return to class for a week. but that isn't even the worst.
from the after-effects of the concussion and because it was suffered doing the week of girl's soccer tryouts, she wasn't able to play soccer doing her senior year of high-school.
unfortunately, the story gets even worst for the concussed girl. the first day back she is allowed to return to physical activity, she got hit in the head with a ball doing a game of kickball. again, she is sidelined for weeks.
if anyone is wondering, i did apologize to her [multiple times actually], but she just shrugged the entire ordeal off as an accident. other guys in the class wouldn't let me live it down though. they would make sarcastic comments and remarks from from time to time about it whenever the class played hockey.
|
tifu by running into a girl, causing her to get a concussion, and sidelining her from sports.**
|
running into a girl, causing her to get a concussion, and sidelining her from sports.
|
[
"a while back when i was still attending high",
"school, i had a class called competitive sports",
"and games. it was my favorite class because it",
"basically consisted of just playing different",
"sports and chilling with friends. although many",
"kids joked around a lot, we played very rough &",
"were actually really good. most people in the",
"class played one, if not multiple varsity sports,",
"so it was a very athletic class.",
"but one day, we were playing indoor hockey in the",
"gym. like usually, it was an pretty intense",
"match. the details are a little hazy, but i",
"remember a player on the opposing team hit the",
"puck towards my team's goal. focusing completely",
"on intercepting the puck before an opposing",
"player received it, i am startled when i look up",
"and notice another player [1 of only 2 girls in",
"the class] standing directly in my path.",
"foreseeing a bad collision, i attempted to stop",
"before i ran into her,but it was too late. i",
"rammed right into her. the collision itself",
"didn't seem so bad, but when she hit the floor,",
"my heart dropped as i heard the **thud** of her",
"head hitting the gym floor. she laid on the",
"ground, motionless for what seemed like an",
"eternity. after some unknown time-frame, she was",
"able to get up and walk to the out-of-bounds",
"area. the teacher noticed her injury looked",
"pretty serious and appointed a classmate to walk",
"her to the nurse's office. i thought she would",
"just shake it off and be back in a little. i was",
"wrong.",
"i went about the rest of the school-day like",
"normal. the next day when i came to school",
"though, a classmate who was also in my",
"competitive sports and games course told me how",
"seriously i injured the girl. after i went home",
"the day before, the school had to call an",
"ambulance to take her to the hospital. it turned",
"out she had suffered a pretty serious concussion",
"and couldn't even return to class for a week. but",
"that isn't even the worst.",
"from the after-effects of the concussion and",
"because it was suffered doing the week of girl's",
"soccer tryouts, she wasn't able to play soccer",
"doing her senior year of high-school.",
"unfortunately, the story gets even worst for the",
"concussed girl. the first day back she is allowed",
"to return to physical activity, she got hit in",
"the head with a ball doing a game of kickball.",
"again, she is sidelined for weeks.",
"if anyone is wondering, i did apologize to her",
"[multiple times actually], but she just shrugged",
"the entire ordeal off as an accident. other guys",
"in the class wouldn't let me live it down though.",
"they would make sarcastic comments and remarks",
"from from time to time about it whenever the",
"class played hockey."
] |
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able to get up and walk to the out-of-bounds from the after-effects of the concussion and
|
48 | 25 | 0.81 | 48 |
**background**: after work, a few coworkers and i decided to go to buffalo wild wings. on a sudden stroke of genius i decided i was going to get the blazing sauce for my wings (the hottest they have). i threw one in my mouth and slowly chewed. thinking it wasn't hot at all i swallowed. i sat for a second thinking *what a rip off, that shits not hot at all*. i took a deep breath and that's when i knew i had made a huge mistake. it was like 1000 shots of satan's cum. i couldn't breath and had to suck down a whole cup of water before i could continue. it got worse and worse with every bite. if i hadn't been able to see i could've sworn i was swallowing hot coals. what's worse is that i have bad asthma and with every bite i had to take a hit from my inhaler. i finished off the 6 atrocities and went home to recover.
3 hours and several hand washings later i decided to have a little fap before bed. i started the normal routine, clothes off, trash can 3 feet away, desk chair angled between the trash can and the desk, mouse at a safe but reachable distance. i go at it.
5 minutes in: feels good
10 minutes in: getting kinda hot in here, isn't it?
20 minutes in: good lord what have i done?
i jumped in the shower and sprayed seamus off with cold water for what seemed like an eternity. i jumped out only to see my little soldier replaced with a red hot blob of pain.
|
: jacked off after touching spicy food, received the equivalent of hulk's indian sunburn.
|
jacking off after eating at buffalo wild wings
|
[
"**background**: after work, a few coworkers and i",
"decided to go to buffalo wild wings. on a sudden",
"stroke of genius i decided i was going to get the",
"blazing sauce for my wings (the hottest they",
"have). i threw one in my mouth and slowly chewed.",
"thinking it wasn't hot at all i swallowed. i sat",
"for a second thinking *what a rip off, that shits",
"not hot at all*. i took a deep breath and that's",
"when i knew i had made a huge mistake. it was",
"like 1000 shots of satan's cum. i couldn't breath",
"and had to suck down a whole cup of water before",
"i could continue. it got worse and worse with",
"every bite. if i hadn't been able to see i",
"could've sworn i was swallowing hot coals. what's",
"worse is that i have bad asthma and with every",
"bite i had to take a hit from my inhaler. i",
"finished off the 6 atrocities and went home to",
"recover.",
"3 hours and several hand washings later i decided",
"to have a little fap before bed. i started the",
"normal routine, clothes off, trash can 3 feet",
"away, desk chair angled between the trash can and",
"the desk, mouse at a safe but reachable distance.",
"i go at it.",
"5 minutes in: feels good",
"10 minutes in: getting kinda hot in here, isn't",
"it?",
"20 minutes in: good lord what have i done?",
"i jumped in the shower and sprayed seamus off",
"with cold water for what seemed like an eternity.",
"i jumped out only to see my little soldier",
"replaced with a red hot blob of pain."
] |
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**background**: after work, a few coworkers and i i jumped in the shower and sprayed seamus off
|
427 | 93 | 0.94 | 427 |
i was getting ready to bike to the gym and walked to my car in the driveway to get my headphones. my chiweenie donny must have snuck out behind me while i was rummaging through the car. i went back inside, realized my dog was not inside, and went outside to call him. he came hobbling back, leaning on one side and keeled over onto the grass, which is usually how he "submits" after you play with him and wants his belly rubbed. but i noticed he had numerous cuts, a gash under his eye. he was also panting (which he never does) and one of his eyes was looking slightly in the wrong direction. i freaked out and got my dad to watch him while i ran around the corner. a bystander was calling the police because a van collided with donny and then drove off. now i'm at the animal hospital and i feel godamn awful waiting for x-rays to come back. donny is my responsibility and i should have been more cognizant of him. fuck.
edit: http://imgur.com/tfhugze.jpg
update: the vet says he is fine. he is sleeping now. he may have a bruised pubic bone, but no concussions, and he got away with just cuts and bruises. phew. thanks for the support everyone!
update 2: i did not see the driver hit my dog. one of my friends raised the issue that a van may not have seen him get hurt. that is a fair point. another bystander was calling the police, so i assumed based on an independent source that they drove off intentionally.
this turned into a very insightful discussion about the obligations of drivers, and whether it is ethically sound to drive away after hitting a dog. in my opinion, i don't have enough information to make a judgment about this particular driver - maybe her/his first thought was "shit, i have two strikes already, i need to bounce"; i hold no ill will if this was the situation because the fact that he was even in the street was entirely my fault.
i want to take the opportunity to thank everyone who posted. i made this post at the vets office, hopped up on pre-workout fuel and creatine, waiting for the vet to tell me the news. it was very unpleasant. fortunately, tifu/ surprised me with support, good will, and candor (thanks cougs67 for the hit-and-run info!), and i'm very grateful.
|
chiweenie snuck past me while i wasn't looking and got hit by a van that drive off. donny was out of his element =(
|
not paying attention to my dog
|
[
"i was getting ready to bike to the gym and walked",
"to my car in the driveway to get my headphones.",
"my chiweenie donny must have snuck out behind me",
"while i was rummaging through the car. i went",
"back inside, realized my dog was not inside, and",
"went outside to call him. he came hobbling back,",
"leaning on one side and keeled over onto the",
"grass, which is usually how he \"submits\" after",
"you play with him and wants his belly rubbed. but",
"i noticed he had numerous cuts, a gash under his",
"eye. he was also panting (which he never does)",
"and one of his eyes was looking slightly in the",
"wrong direction. i freaked out and got my dad to",
"watch him while i ran around the corner. a",
"bystander was calling the police because a van",
"collided with donny and then drove off. now i'm",
"at the animal hospital and i feel godamn awful",
"waiting for x-rays to come back. donny is my",
"responsibility and i should have been more",
"cognizant of him. fuck.",
"edit: http://imgur.com/tfhugze.jpg",
"update: the vet says he is fine. he is sleeping",
"now. he may have a bruised pubic bone, but no",
"concussions, and he got away with just cuts and",
"bruises. phew. thanks for the support everyone!",
"update 2: i did not see the driver hit my dog.",
"one of my friends raised the issue that a van may",
"not have seen him get hurt. that is a fair point.",
"another bystander was calling the police, so i",
"assumed based on an independent source that they",
"drove off intentionally.",
"this turned into a very insightful discussion",
"about the obligations of drivers, and whether it",
"is ethically sound to drive away after hitting a",
"dog. in my opinion, i don't have enough",
"information to make a judgment about this",
"particular driver - maybe her/his first thought",
"was \"shit, i have two strikes already, i need to",
"bounce\"; i hold no ill will if this was the",
"situation because the fact that he was even in",
"the street was entirely my fault.",
"i want to take the opportunity to thank everyone",
"who posted. i made this post at the vets office,",
"hopped up on pre-workout fuel and creatine,",
"waiting for the vet to tell me the news. it was",
"very unpleasant. fortunately, tifu/ surprised me",
"with support, good will, and candor (thanks",
"cougs67 for the hit-and-run info!), and i'm very",
"grateful."
] |
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my chiweenie donny must have snuck out behind me and one of his eyes was looking slightly in the one of my friends raised the issue that a van may
|
0 | 41 | 0.42 | 0 |
it's been in the house less than a week. ze has wanted one for a while...so i found one at a reasonable price and purchased it. it's quite large, 100 lb heavy bag. maybe i should have opted for a 70 lb bag...because hir second go with it....ze bruised and bloodied hir knuckles all to hell. it still hurt pretty bad a couple days later...so ze went to the doc to get checked out. turns out ze broke a couple bones. um, since ze is an artist, a sketch artist...ze has to have steady hands. pretty much isn't going to happen after this kind of injury is what the doc is saying at this point.
great.
|
punching bag for valentines. broken bones. artist's hands. life ruined. happy valentine's day, babe.
|
buying my partner a punching bag (heavy bag+speed ball) for valentine's day...
|
[
"it's been in the house less than a week. ze has",
"wanted one for a while...so i found one at a",
"reasonable price and purchased it. it's quite",
"large, 100 lb heavy bag. maybe i should have",
"opted for a 70 lb bag...because hir second go",
"with it....ze bruised and bloodied hir knuckles",
"all to hell. it still hurt pretty bad a couple",
"days later...so ze went to the doc to get checked",
"out. turns out ze broke a couple bones. um, since",
"ze is an artist, a sketch artist...ze has to have",
"steady hands. pretty much isn't going to happen",
"after this kind of injury is what the doc is",
"saying at this point.",
"great."
] |
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wanted one for a while...so i found one at a large, 100 lb heavy bag. maybe i should have out. turns out ze broke a couple bones. um, since
|
1,998 | 331 | 0.95 | 1,998 |
i've had this shameful tale under my belt ever since it happened about ten years ago. it's always made a good party story, so i figured i would finally put it out there for the reddit community.
so, in 2002, i'm a 17yo guy. i have my own car, i'm getting decent grades, i have a wonderful circle of friends that i spend a lot of time with, i've got a good starter-job at subway to give me disposable income. in short, everything is coming up shishosha.
i also have a girlfriend. i already know she's not going the be the woman i spend the rest of my life with, but we have a lot of fun together and share the same kind of humor. so, we're just going through our early relationship phase: a lot of flirting, stupid phone calls, timid sexual activity, etc. before i know it, we've been dating three months (my longest relationship at that time). the subject of "love" has never come up. and then prom rolls around.
so, it's my junior year. she's a freshman. the way my school worked was: only juniors and seniors were invited to the prom by the school. if any underclassmen wanted to go, they had to be the dates of the upperclassmen. so, i naturally invite my girlfriend. she accepts. we're all happy. yay.
everything is going great up until about three days before the prom. her grandmother dies. and they were very close. i feel very bad for her, and she's taking it really hard. it was the first time in my life that i ever really had to support someone emotionally through a loved one's death, and i was glad i could be there for her.
then, the night before prom, we're talking, and i tell her, "you know, with everything that's going on with your grandmother, maybe we shouldn't go to prom." i told her i'd completely understand if she didn't feel up to a big public appearance, and that we could just chill at home and watch a movie or whatever. she said no, that it was my prom, and that it was important that we go. plus, she said, she'd already gotten her first big, expensive prom dress, and she'd be damned if she wasn't going to show it off. we laughed and agreed to continue as planned.
prom night comes. we get thai for dinner. it was excellent. her dress is indeed very nice. then, on to the dance. it was a great location. good music. good punch. a lot of teacher chaperones, but they were all clearly "off the clock" and were having a good time too. but my girlfriend wasn't really having a good time. from the moment we got in, she'd just gotten all mopey. i was kind of expecting this, but tried to get her to have a good time, only partially succeeding. then, when the first slow-dance song came on, she lost it. i mean lost it. openly bawling on the dance floor, tearing her shoes off, and storming off into one of the adjoining hallways, slumping into a corner.
i chase after her and sit down with her. i try to talk to her, about her grandmother, about life and death, about anything to try and cheer her up. nothing works; she just sits there sobbing, not even really talking to me. i'm a little upset too, but i definitely want to be the good boyfriend. i'm gonna sit there with her through this! a half-hour goes by, then another. she's stopped sobbing, but is still a sniffly, cried-out mess. i ask again if she wants to try to join the dance, or maybe just head home? she says no, she's just going to sit there, but that it's my prom, and that she's being unfair. she tells me to go have fun with my friends while there's still time left. i tell her it's okay, i can stay with her, but she insists. so, i get her a cup of punch, then go rejoin my friends on the dance floor. i have an awesome time for the rest of the dance, about another hour after i went back onto the floor.
once the prom ends, i go collect her right where she'd been. she's just gone totally quiet. we go to my car and have a completely silent car ride to her house. i'm thinking maybe she's mad at me for taking her up on her offer for me to leave her, but she doesn't seem mad, just sad. so, i go back to assuming it's her grandmother.
when we finally get to her house, we get out of the car, and i walk her to her door. i'm going in to give a perfectly innocent peck on the cheek and a "good night," when she stops me, takes a deep breath, and looks down at her feet. she tells me that she's sorry for ruining my prom night. i tell her hey, it's okay. i had a lot of fun for some of the night, and we both knew she wasn't feeling her best because of her grandmother. then she shakes her head and says, no, she hasn't been sad the whole night because of her grandmother . . . she's been sad because she loves me with all of her heart, and knows that i don't feel the same way . . .
i totally freeze. deer-in-headlights. probably only about ten seconds, but it felt like five minutes. we'd been going out three months! i'm 17. she's 15!! we don't even know what love is!!! so, while i'm trying to process all this, i just stay frozen. finally (god, help me), i don't know what compelled me to do this: i sort of smile at her, give her two thumbs-up, say, "cool!" and walk back down to my car and drive away.
we broke up the next day.
when my friends recall this story to bust my chops, i always tell them, in my own defense, at least she got two thumbs-up. sigh . . . i'm a bad person.
edit: fixed my englishing. apparently, "kind've" is not a valid contraction. legitimate thanks for pointing that out to me; i hope i haven't included that in many professional correspondences.
edit: for all those asking about my username, shishosha is my morning routine: shit, shower, then shave.
|
gf of 3mos tells me she loves me for the first time. i give her 2 thumbs-up and walk away.
|
giving the worst response imaginable to "i love you"
|
[
"i've had this shameful tale under my belt ever",
"since it happened about ten years ago. it's",
"always made a good party story, so i figured i",
"would finally put it out there for the reddit",
"community.",
"so, in 2002, i'm a 17yo guy. i have my own car,",
"i'm getting decent grades, i have a wonderful",
"circle of friends that i spend a lot of time",
"with, i've got a good starter-job at subway to",
"give me disposable income. in short, everything",
"is coming up shishosha.",
"i also have a girlfriend. i already know she's",
"not going the be the woman i spend the rest of my",
"life with, but we have a lot of fun together and",
"share the same kind of humor. so, we're just",
"going through our early relationship phase: a lot",
"of flirting, stupid phone calls, timid sexual",
"activity, etc. before i know it, we've been",
"dating three months (my longest relationship at",
"that time). the subject of \"love\" has never come",
"up. and then prom rolls around.",
"so, it's my junior year. she's a freshman. the",
"way my school worked was: only juniors and",
"seniors were invited to the prom by the school.",
"if any underclassmen wanted to go, they had to be",
"the dates of the upperclassmen. so, i naturally",
"invite my girlfriend. she accepts. we're all",
"happy. yay.",
"everything is going great up until about three",
"days before the prom. her grandmother dies. and",
"they were very close. i feel very bad for her,",
"and she's taking it really hard. it was the first",
"time in my life that i ever really had to support",
"someone emotionally through a loved one's death,",
"and i was glad i could be there for her.",
"then, the night before prom, we're talking, and i",
"tell her, \"you know, with everything that's going",
"on with your grandmother, maybe we shouldn't go",
"to prom.\" i told her i'd completely understand if",
"she didn't feel up to a big public appearance,",
"and that we could just chill at home and watch a",
"movie or whatever. she said no, that it was my",
"prom, and that it was important that we go. plus,",
"she said, she'd already gotten her first big,",
"expensive prom dress, and she'd be damned if she",
"wasn't going to show it off. we laughed and",
"agreed to continue as planned.",
"prom night comes. we get thai for dinner. it was",
"excellent. her dress is indeed very nice. then,",
"on to the dance. it was a great location. good",
"music. good punch. a lot of teacher chaperones,",
"but they were all clearly \"off the clock\" and",
"were having a good time too. but my girlfriend",
"wasn't really having a good time. from the moment",
"we got in, she'd just gotten all mopey. i was",
"kind of expecting this, but tried to get her to",
"have a good time, only partially succeeding.",
"then, when the first slow-dance song came on, she",
"lost it. i mean lost it. openly bawling on the",
"dance floor, tearing her shoes off, and storming",
"off into one of the adjoining hallways, slumping",
"into a corner.",
"i chase after her and sit down with her. i try to",
"talk to her, about her grandmother, about life",
"and death, about anything to try and cheer her",
"up. nothing works; she just sits there sobbing,",
"not even really talking to me. i'm a little upset",
"too, but i definitely want to be the good",
"boyfriend. i'm gonna sit there with her through",
"this! a half-hour goes by, then another. she's",
"stopped sobbing, but is still a sniffly,",
"cried-out mess. i ask again if she wants to try",
"to join the dance, or maybe just head home? she",
"says no, she's just going to sit there, but that",
"it's my prom, and that she's being unfair. she",
"tells me to go have fun with my friends while",
"there's still time left. i tell her it's okay, i",
"can stay with her, but she insists. so, i get her",
"a cup of punch, then go rejoin my friends on the",
"dance floor. i have an awesome time for the rest",
"of the dance, about another hour after i went",
"back onto the floor.",
"once the prom ends, i go collect her right where",
"she'd been. she's just gone totally quiet. we go",
"to my car and have a completely silent car ride",
"to her house. i'm thinking maybe she's mad at me",
"for taking her up on her offer for me to leave",
"her, but she doesn't seem mad, just sad. so, i go",
"back to assuming it's her grandmother.",
"when we finally get to her house, we get out of",
"the car, and i walk her to her door. i'm going in",
"to give a perfectly innocent peck on the cheek",
"and a \"good night,\" when she stops me, takes a",
"deep breath, and looks down at her feet. she",
"tells me that she's sorry for ruining my prom",
"night. i tell her hey, it's okay. i had a lot of",
"fun for some of the night, and we both knew she",
"wasn't feeling her best because of her",
"grandmother. then she shakes her head and says,",
"no, she hasn't been sad the whole night because",
"of her grandmother . . . she's been sad because",
"she loves me with all of her heart, and knows",
"that i don't feel the same way . . .",
"i totally freeze. deer-in-headlights. probably",
"only about ten seconds, but it felt like five",
"minutes. we'd been going out three months! i'm",
"17. she's 15!! we don't even know what love is!!!",
"so, while i'm trying to process all this, i just",
"stay frozen. finally (god, help me), i don't know",
"what compelled me to do this: i sort of smile at",
"her, give her two thumbs-up, say, \"cool!\" and",
"walk back down to my car and drive away.",
"we broke up the next day.",
"when my friends recall this story to bust my",
"chops, i always tell them, in my own defense, at",
"least she got two thumbs-up. sigh . . . i'm a bad",
"person.",
"edit: fixed my englishing. apparently, \"kind've\"",
"is not a valid contraction. legitimate thanks for",
"pointing that out to me; i hope i haven't",
"included that in many professional",
"correspondences.",
"edit: for all those asking about my username,",
"shishosha is my morning routine: shit, shower,",
"then shave."
] |
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dance floor. i have an awesome time for the rest she loves me with all of her heart, and knows
|
14 | 3 | 0.7 | 14 |
this happened when i was twelve but i figure it still belongs here.
so we were selling puppies at the time and were sending emails back and forth between clients and we apparently got a virus. so this virus will take all the photos from your history and attach them to your emails. at the time i was into some weird naruto hentai and wasnt smart enought to clear my history... so my mom was sending out emails to the clients when 2 of them promptly stopped emailing us back. mom decides to look at her sent mail to see if she had said anything wrong and started scrolling through her email and then she found 50 extremely explicit images of the shame of my nightmares. i got a talking to the next day by my dad asking if it was me. i of course said it was just the virus being gross. the next day my mom told one of my friends who knew what i was into at the time what had happened. that proves to me that she still had no idea it was me...but im not so sure about my dad... aaaannnyways that happened...
|
virus attaches images from history to parents work emails
|
getting a virus
|
[
"this happened when i was twelve but i figure it",
"still belongs here.",
"so we were selling puppies at the time and were",
"sending emails back and forth between clients and",
"we apparently got a virus. so this virus will",
"take all the photos from your history and attach",
"them to your emails. at the time i was into some",
"weird naruto hentai and wasnt smart enought to",
"clear my history... so my mom was sending out",
"emails to the clients when 2 of them promptly",
"stopped emailing us back. mom decides to look at",
"her sent mail to see if she had said anything",
"wrong and started scrolling through her email and",
"then she found 50 extremely explicit images of",
"the shame of my nightmares. i got a talking to",
"the next day by my dad asking if it was me. i of",
"course said it was just the virus being gross.",
"the next day my mom told one of my friends who",
"knew what i was into at the time what had",
"happened. that proves to me that she still had",
"no idea it was me...but im not so sure about my",
"dad... aaaannnyways that happened..."
] |
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take all the photos from your history and attach emails to the clients when 2 of them promptly
|
1,045 | 120 | 0.93 | 1,045 |
my talented girlfriend made a delicious meal of fresh carved turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, and all that other good stuff. everything looked excellent, but i had just come back from a meal with my family and was unable to eat anything. she put the leftovers in the fridge so i could have them for dinner the next few nights.
the next night i come home from work and make myself a plate and soak everything in gravy, because i fucking love gravy, especially her homemade gravy. heat it in the microwave and start to chow down. i ate everything so fast that i barely had time to enjoy it, but i noticed something tasted strange.
the following night i make myself another plate, microwave it, and now i notice that the gravy is what is giving this the funny taste. i watched her make it and remember a-lot of flour going into it. so i just assume it has too much flour. it was also pretty lumpy and stiff but i didn't microwave it for very long so it might just not have been hot enough. i ate it all and became pretty nauseous afterwards but didn't think much of it.
a day later, i microwave another plate for an extra 45 seconds. this time the gravy got hard as a rock and burnt, ruining my whole meal. so i make another plate, gravy on the side this time, regular microwave time. with the gravy on the side, it completely solidified. it looked like cake. i don't like mashed potatoes without gravy, and i normally love anything my girlfriend makes. i don't understand how her gravy turned out this way. she's like a thinner, sexier paula deen when it comes to cooking. so i'm a little upset right now. actually, very upset.
i walk into the living room and confront my girlfriend about this. not really yelling but in a louder frustrated tone i said. "wtf did you put in this gravy? it sucks!" she was confused and wasn't aware of an issue with the gravy. i told her there was way too much flour in it and it keeps burning. she asked me to show her the gravy container. i reached in the fridge and pulled it out to show her.
she looked at it and immediately started laughing hysterically. like unable to breath laughing. after a minute, she finally pulled herself together, goes in the fridge and pulls out another container and says "here's the gravy", then went back to laughing. then my brain starts working and i remember back to the morning before she cooked this meal. we had pancakes for breakfast. i put the extra pancake batter in the fridge. i've been pouring pancake batter on my turkey and mashed potatoes for the past 3 days...
edit: made some adjustments so i don't fail reddit english class. thanks to /u/blurplegreen for spell/context checking and /u/viscerae for the gift of paragraphs and bold text.
|
substituted gravy with pancake batter.**
|
eating leftovers
|
[
"my talented girlfriend made a delicious meal of",
"fresh carved turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy,",
"corn, and all that other good stuff. everything",
"looked excellent, but i had just come back from a",
"meal with my family and was unable to eat",
"anything. she put the leftovers in the fridge so",
"i could have them for dinner the next few nights.",
"the next night i come home from work and make",
"myself a plate and soak everything in gravy,",
"because i fucking love gravy, especially her",
"homemade gravy. heat it in the microwave and",
"start to chow down. i ate everything so fast that",
"i barely had time to enjoy it, but i noticed",
"something tasted strange.",
"the following night i make myself another",
"plate, microwave it, and now i notice that the",
"gravy is what is giving this the funny taste. i",
"watched her make it and remember a-lot of flour",
"going into it. so i just assume it has too much",
"flour. it was also pretty lumpy and stiff but i",
"didn't microwave it for very long so it might",
"just not have been hot enough. i ate it all and",
"became pretty nauseous afterwards but didn't",
"think much of it.",
"a day later, i microwave another plate for an",
"extra 45 seconds. this time the gravy got hard as",
"a rock and burnt, ruining my whole meal. so i",
"make another plate, gravy on the side this time,",
"regular microwave time. with the gravy on the",
"side, it completely solidified. it looked like",
"cake. i don't like mashed potatoes without gravy,",
"and i normally love anything my girlfriend makes.",
"i don't understand how her gravy turned out this",
"way. she's like a thinner, sexier paula deen when",
"it comes to cooking. so i'm a little upset right",
"now. actually, very upset.",
"i walk into the living room and confront my",
"girlfriend about this. not really yelling but in",
"a louder frustrated tone i said. \"wtf did you put",
"in this gravy? it sucks!\" she was confused and",
"wasn't aware of an issue with the gravy. i told",
"her there was way too much flour in it and it",
"keeps burning. she asked me to show her the gravy",
"container. i reached in the fridge and pulled it",
"out to show her.",
"she looked at it and immediately started",
"laughing hysterically. like unable to breath",
"laughing. after a minute, she finally pulled",
"herself together, goes in the fridge and pulls",
"out another container and says \"here's the",
"gravy\", then went back to laughing. then my brain",
"starts working and i remember back to the morning",
"before she cooked this meal. we had pancakes for",
"breakfast. i put the extra pancake batter in the",
"fridge. i've been pouring pancake batter on my",
"turkey and mashed potatoes for the past 3 days...",
"edit: made some adjustments so i don't fail",
"reddit english class. thanks to /u/blurplegreen",
"for spell/context checking and /u/viscerae for",
"the gift of paragraphs and bold text."
] |
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fridge. i've been pouring pancake batter on my
|
182 | 11 | 0.93 | 182 |
for the longest time, i have been thinking up amazing april fool's jokes to play on my little brother, who gets me with amazing pranks every year. i finally thought of the best prank after watching a video one of my friends made last april fools day. i would rubberband the sprayer on my sink, and watch the hilarity that would ensue when my brother tries to wash a dish or his hands.
fast forward to today, i went out early in the morning to play basketball with some friends. getting home, i was tired out of my mind and ready to go back to bed, but had to go through with the prank.
i made myself some eggs, and whilst cooking, i put the rubbberband on the sprayer. i planned to ask him to run some water so when the eggs were done, i could "wash out the pan" and watch him get soaked, but the eggs cooked faster than anticipated, so i forgot to ask him.
i finished cooking the eggs, and went to wash my dishes like always. i turned on the sink, and when it was too late, i realized the mistake i made. soaked to the bone, it wasn't the greatest start to my day.
|
set up prank for little brother, get soaked by sprayer meant to fool brother.
|
falling for my own april fool's joke
|
[
"for the longest time, i have been thinking up",
"amazing april fool's jokes to play on my little",
"brother, who gets me with amazing pranks every",
"year. i finally thought of the best prank after",
"watching a video one of my friends made last",
"april fools day. i would rubberband the sprayer",
"on my sink, and watch the hilarity that would",
"ensue when my brother tries to wash a dish or his",
"hands.",
"fast forward to today, i went out early in the",
"morning to play basketball with some friends.",
"getting home, i was tired out of my mind and",
"ready to go back to bed, but had to go through",
"with the prank.",
"i made myself some eggs, and whilst cooking, i",
"put the rubbberband on the sprayer. i planned to",
"ask him to run some water so when the eggs were",
"done, i could \"wash out the pan\" and watch him",
"get soaked, but the eggs cooked faster than",
"anticipated, so i forgot to ask him.",
"i finished cooking the eggs, and went to wash my",
"dishes like always. i turned on the sink, and",
"when it was too late, i realized the mistake i",
"made. soaked to the bone, it wasn't the greatest",
"start to my day."
] |
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put the rubbberband on the sprayer. i planned to get soaked, but the eggs cooked faster than
|
45 | 12 | 0.8 | 45 |
okay, this was actually last week. but i was too busy fucking up other things to put my initial fuck-up into words.
it was veterans day at my school. each year, we celebrate by inviting any parents/grandparents/great-grandparents/you-get-the-point to come to the ceremony. we sing some dramatic ***fuck yes america*** songs, have a few snotty middle schoolers speak, and give a slideshow on all the most recent wars in which the u.s. has been fighting.
so, the elementary school kids were all getting up from the bleachers to stand in front of us and sing a song. they walked single file behind their teachers. they looked like little ducklings with an insatiable eagerness in their eyes, an eagerness to sing about our country. just kidding. they were really cute, though.
the kindergarten kids were walking up last, since they are obviously the cutest. some kept getting distracted by the crowd, stopping to gaze upon the numerous high schoolers staring at them, having to be gently nudged by their teachers to keep walking.
this one girl, though. she was trying to walk in a straight line while simultaneously staring at the scary high schoolers. needless to say, hilarity ensued. the girl fell right over on her face. i'd say you had to have been there, but i swore in that moment it sounded just like a giant 50-pound pancake belly-flopping into a pool of pure liquefied giggles. just... flop. plop. smack. that girl went down.
unfortunately for me, this occurred at a rather unfortunate time: the kids had been walking up to sing while one of said snobby middle schoolers was reading off statistics about wwi. there were graphic pictures on the screen, too.
i started *dying*.
shit is so much funnier when you're not supposed to be laughing at it, too.
after the initial burst of uncontrollable laughter, i kept snorting little giggles during the subsequent slide on wwii each time i thought about how i wasn't supposed to be laughing about that fucking kid. it sounded like i was giggling over how many casualties we had in wwii. gah.
*
|
i fucked up by being unable to control my laughter over a child who tripped during a veterans' day ceremony.***
|
laughing at a wwi powerpoint.
|
[
"okay, this was actually last week. but i was too",
"busy fucking up other things to put my initial",
"fuck-up into words.",
"it was veterans day at my school. each year, we",
"celebrate by inviting any",
"parents/grandparents/great-grandparents/you-get-t",
"he-point",
"to come to the ceremony. we sing some dramatic",
"***fuck yes america*** songs, have a few snotty",
"middle schoolers speak, and give a slideshow on",
"all the most recent wars in which the u.s. has",
"been fighting.",
"so, the elementary school kids were all getting",
"up from the bleachers to stand in front of us and",
"sing a song. they walked single file behind their",
"teachers. they looked like little ducklings with",
"an insatiable eagerness in their eyes, an",
"eagerness to sing about our country. just",
"kidding. they were really cute, though.",
"the kindergarten kids were walking up last, since",
"they are obviously the cutest. some kept getting",
"distracted by the crowd, stopping to gaze upon",
"the numerous high schoolers staring at them,",
"having to be gently nudged by their teachers to",
"keep walking.",
"this one girl, though. she was trying to walk in",
"a straight line while simultaneously staring at",
"the scary high schoolers. needless to say,",
"hilarity ensued. the girl fell right over on her",
"face. i'd say you had to have been there, but i",
"swore in that moment it sounded just like a giant",
"50-pound pancake belly-flopping into a pool of",
"pure liquefied giggles. just... flop. plop.",
"smack. that girl went down.",
"unfortunately for me, this occurred at a rather",
"unfortunate time: the kids had been walking up to",
"sing while one of said snobby middle schoolers",
"was reading off statistics about wwi. there were",
"graphic pictures on the screen, too.",
"i started *dying*.",
"shit is so much funnier when you're not supposed",
"to be laughing at it, too.",
"after the initial burst of uncontrollable",
"laughter, i kept snorting little giggles during",
"the subsequent slide on wwii each time i thought",
"about how i wasn't supposed to be laughing about",
"that fucking kid. it sounded like i was giggling",
"over how many casualties we had in wwii. gah.",
"*"
] |
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it was veterans day at my school. each year, we to come to the ceremony. we sing some dramatic laughter, i kept snorting little giggles during
|
45 | 17 | 0.76 | 45 |
so, there i was just sitting on a bench at my local mall minding my own business. partaking in one of my favorite hobbies of people-watching.
about 10 minutes in a black prob 17-20 y/o set down not next to me but within conversational distance. after about 5 more minutes, a few of his friends came and chatted with him about lebron vs kobe, shoes, weed, ect ect ( typical black guy conversations ). not 2 minutes after his friends left, he spoke up and asked me: "hey man, you wouldn't happen to have change for a $50 would you"? i replied without hesitation: "idk, let me check".
now for some background. i usually am pretty quick-minded with situations. i pay attention to my surroundings. i often eves-drop into conversations taking place around me. and usually always keep myself out of precarious situations. but not today!
i knew i had just cashed my payroll check a few hours ago and kept some cash on me. i knew i had a few $20s but didn't know if i could make the remaining $10. after a quick check in my wallet, i had the money in hand. 2 $20's, a $5, and 5 $1's. we traded bills and immediately i knew the bill wasn't right. the feel was wrong. so instantly placed it up against another bill and it was smaller in dimension. i then checked for the watermarks and there were none to be found. i instantly said to him: "no, i believe this bill is fake and i want my money back". what took place next was a slow but steady escalation right in the middle of a crowded mall.
he stood up and stated: "its not fake, i just got it from a store in change and need to break it to pay a friend back." i stood up and blocked his progress of walking away. when we both stood up i realized what i was up against. this kid was a good 6 inches taller than me, easily 50lbs on me and at this point, angry that i had confronted/trapped him.
now i new that @ this point he was not getting out of my presence, no matter what! i also knew that it was his word against mine but that if worse came to worse, that we were or at least should be being recorded via cctv.
i again stated: "this bill is fake and i want my money back now and you can walk away or i am calling security". he then said: "go ahead, you have the bill. its your word against mine. you think they are going to believe me because i'm black and you're white?" at this point i was getting pissed but had to keep my calmness or shit could get out of hand fast!
immediately i yelled in a stern voice "security". we were within earshot of the guest services booth thankfully and i know at least a half dozen people were watching at this point. he said: "hey man, i just got that. i didn't know it was fake. let me go get them." i said, no, its too late. i gave you the chance and you passed". and yelled "security" once more.
by this time, he was very nervous and trying numerous times to leave but i had him partially cornered between the bench we where on, a kiosk selling hair supplies, and the wall. i glanced over his shoulder and seen a very large man in a suit walking our way. the gentleman asked: "what seems to be the issue" and the kid tried to split once more and i sternly said: "do not let him leave!"
by this time a few more "mall cops" arrived and separated us and got both stories. i repeated what had happened while he still attempted to leave again. the man on the suit told him he was being retained and called for local pd. not a minute later i repeated the incident to the officer. the officer then spoke with the kid. he obtained the bill from me and looked it over and stated it was def a fake. the kid tried to play dumb not knowing about the water marks and such.
the officer didn't buy it, obtained the kids id, spoke on his radio, then asked me how i would like to proceed. i told him that i gave him the option to get out of it and he passed. i asked the officer if he had the right to search the kid. he said no. i then stated that he could have more bad bills on him. the officer then went back to the kid and asked for consent to search him. like a scared kid, he said yes. the officer did a quick scan then took his wallet and sure enough. 4 more fake $50's! needless to say, the ball is in my court!
the officer immediately arrested the kid and read him his rights! he was pissed!! cussing and yelling obscenities at me.
it was at this time that a was flooded with different emotions. knowing i fucked up by trying to be a good patron. the potential for the situation to end way worse for me. and the overwhelming feeling that i did right by standing my ground and busting this asshole!
i immediately went and got a soda to cure my crazy cotton mouth and left the mall. now, a few hours later. looking back, the way i handled the situation has given me a great deal of confidence in my ability to handle a situation with a stranger. i do know this feeling could very well one day make things worse for my but for now, i feel great! but i still fucked up!
|
offered to make change for a fake $50 for a stranger @ the mall. realized immediatly. security and police busted kid for fake bills!! day made!
|
making change for a fake $50 @ the local mall. still won!
|
[
"so, there i was just sitting on a bench at my",
"local mall minding my own business. partaking in",
"one of my favorite hobbies of people-watching.",
"about 10 minutes in a black prob 17-20 y/o set",
"down not next to me but within conversational",
"distance. after about 5 more minutes, a few of",
"his friends came and chatted with him about",
"lebron vs kobe, shoes, weed, ect ect ( typical",
"black guy conversations ). not 2 minutes after",
"his friends left, he spoke up and asked me: \"hey",
"man, you wouldn't happen to have change for a $50",
"would you\"? i replied without hesitation: \"idk,",
"let me check\".",
"now for some background. i usually am pretty",
"quick-minded with situations. i pay attention to",
"my surroundings. i often eves-drop into",
"conversations taking place around me. and usually",
"always keep myself out of precarious situations.",
"but not today!",
"i knew i had just cashed my payroll check a few",
"hours ago and kept some cash on me. i knew i had",
"a few $20s but didn't know if i could make the",
"remaining $10. after a quick check in my wallet,",
"i had the money in hand. 2 $20's, a $5, and 5",
"$1's. we traded bills and immediately i knew the",
"bill wasn't right. the feel was wrong. so",
"instantly placed it up against another bill and",
"it was smaller in dimension. i then checked for",
"the watermarks and there were none to be found. i",
"instantly said to him: \"no, i believe this bill",
"is fake and i want my money back\". what took",
"place next was a slow but steady escalation right",
"in the middle of a crowded mall.",
"he stood up and stated: \"its not fake, i just got",
"it from a store in change and need to break it to",
"pay a friend back.\" i stood up and blocked his",
"progress of walking away. when we both stood up i",
"realized what i was up against. this kid was a",
"good 6 inches taller than me, easily 50lbs on me",
"and at this point, angry that i had",
"confronted/trapped him.",
"now i new that @ this point he was not getting",
"out of my presence, no matter what! i also knew",
"that it was his word against mine but that if",
"worse came to worse, that we were or at least",
"should be being recorded via cctv.",
"i again stated: \"this bill is fake and i want my",
"money back now and you can walk away or i am",
"calling security\". he then said: \"go ahead, you",
"have the bill. its your word against mine. you",
"think they are going to believe me because i'm",
"black and you're white?\" at this point i was",
"getting pissed but had to keep my calmness or",
"shit could get out of hand fast!",
"immediately i yelled in a stern voice \"security\".",
"we were within earshot of the guest services",
"booth thankfully and i know at least a half dozen",
"people were watching at this point. he said: \"hey",
"man, i just got that. i didn't know it was fake.",
"let me go get them.\" i said, no, its too late. i",
"gave you the chance and you passed\". and yelled",
"\"security\" once more.",
"by this time, he was very nervous and trying",
"numerous times to leave but i had him partially",
"cornered between the bench we where on, a kiosk",
"selling hair supplies, and the wall. i glanced",
"over his shoulder and seen a very large man in a",
"suit walking our way. the gentleman asked: \"what",
"seems to be the issue\" and the kid tried to split",
"once more and i sternly said: \"do not let him",
"leave!\"",
"by this time a few more \"mall cops\" arrived and",
"separated us and got both stories. i repeated",
"what had happened while he still attempted to",
"leave again. the man on the suit told him he was",
"being retained and called for local pd. not a",
"minute later i repeated the incident to the",
"officer. the officer then spoke with the kid. he",
"obtained the bill from me and looked it over and",
"stated it was def a fake. the kid tried to play",
"dumb not knowing about the water marks and such.",
"the officer didn't buy it, obtained the kids id,",
"spoke on his radio, then asked me how i would",
"like to proceed. i told him that i gave him the",
"option to get out of it and he passed. i asked",
"the officer if he had the right to search the",
"kid. he said no. i then stated that he could have",
"more bad bills on him. the officer then went back",
"to the kid and asked for consent to search him.",
"like a scared kid, he said yes. the officer did a",
"quick scan then took his wallet and sure enough.",
"4 more fake $50's! needless to say, the ball is",
"in my court!",
"the officer immediately arrested the kid and read",
"him his rights! he was pissed!! cussing and",
"yelling obscenities at me.",
"it was at this time that a was flooded with",
"different emotions. knowing i fucked up by trying",
"to be a good patron. the potential for the",
"situation to end way worse for me. and the",
"overwhelming feeling that i did right by standing",
"my ground and busting this asshole!",
"i immediately went and got a soda to cure my",
"crazy cotton mouth and left the mall. now, a few",
"hours later. looking back, the way i handled the",
"situation has given me a great deal of confidence",
"in my ability to handle a situation with a",
"stranger. i do know this feeling could very well",
"one day make things worse for my but for now, i",
"feel great! but i still fucked up!"
] |
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man, you wouldn't happen to have change for a $50 "security" once more. stated it was def a fake. the kid tried to play crazy cotton mouth and left the mall. now, a few
|
39 | 9 | 0.81 | 39 |
i will preface this by saying that i currently live with other people. and we were in the living room.
today my boyfriend came over to hang out and watch tv. nothing out of the ordinary until things start to get heated. eventually i decide that i want to give a blowjob. the best way to do it was to unzip and pull it out. i begin to get to work when suddenly i hear a key in the door. shit. someone is home and about to walk in on said blowjob. i did the logical thing and try to put it away. i think its in and rush to zip his pants.
it stopped.
all i heard was "you bitch!" as he cupped himself and tried to zip up properly.
didn't get caught. at least there wasn't blood... just the tip.
i later made up for it with a proper blowup.
edit: to avoid some comments... we use the phrase "you bitch" jokingly... i think he was just surprised and trying to make a joke.
tifu
|
rushed to zip his pants up to avoid getting caught in the middle of a blowjob, zipped up his dick.
|
trying to zip my boyfriend's penis.
|
[
"i will preface this by saying that i currently",
"live with other people. and we were in the living",
"room.",
"today my boyfriend came over to hang out and",
"watch tv. nothing out of the ordinary until",
"things start to get heated. eventually i decide",
"that i want to give a blowjob. the best way to do",
"it was to unzip and pull it out. i begin to get",
"to work when suddenly i hear a key in the door.",
"shit. someone is home and about to walk in on",
"said blowjob. i did the logical thing and try to",
"put it away. i think its in and rush to zip his",
"pants.",
"it stopped.",
"all i heard was \"you bitch!\" as he cupped himself",
"and tried to zip up properly.",
"didn't get caught. at least there wasn't blood...",
"just the tip.",
"i later made up for it with a proper blowup.",
"edit: to avoid some comments... we use the phrase",
"\"you bitch\" jokingly... i think he was just",
"surprised and trying to make a joke.",
"tifu"
] |
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that i want to give a blowjob. the best way to do put it away. i think its in and rush to zip his
|
21 | 17 | 0.82 | 21 |
so last night i smoked a couple grams with some friends on the way to another friends house. by the time we got there, the munchies had definitely kicked in so the first thing we did was check my friend's pantry. i found 4 boxes of oreos so i grabbed a handful. there was a tv in the kitchen and there was a cat so i was more than distracted in my high state. i was so distracted that when i remembered that i was eating i looked down to see that i had gone through two whole boxes (you know the kind with 3 rows and a flap). i was scared that my friend's parents would be mad that i ate half their oreo stash so i decided it would be a great idea to eat the rest and hide the evidence so i would be innocent. so i grabbed a glass of milk and ate the other two boxes. my stomach was more than rumbling at this point and i knew what was going to follow. i grabbed the 4 boxes and went outside to find a dumpster to free myself from my thieving deed. i found a neighbor's house that had an open dumpster so i ventured down there to throw the boxes away. i threw them in the trash but by then i couldn't hold it any longer. my stomach screamed like a thousand wounded kittens and i sharted. i looked around me and found a suitable bush that i would try to use. i threw down my pants and projectile shat everywhere. the bush was smothered in my fecal orgasm. the smell was so unbearably grotesque that i don't even have a good analogy for it. there was so much sphincter magma covering my ass hair that i realized i had to wipe my ass with my boxers and throw them into the nearby dumpster. when i got back to my friends house they all decided to go to a movie. we met up with my friend who had just got back from gamestop. we were on top of the parking garage roof. if it couldn't get worse my stomach volcano had to erupt again and i couldn't hold it at all so i grabbed my friends gamestop bag, emptied the contents, and filled it anew with the hot liquid that spewed from my orafice. it got all over my hand and the bag and i had no choice but to throw the bag off of the roof and pray it didn't land on anyone. i asked my friends to take me home because i realized my intestines were planning something more explosive than north korea and i wanted to be in my own bathroom to pull the trigger. needless to say it was a very shitty night for me.
|
i got so high that i ate 4 boxes of oreos and released my liquified bowels on a bush and the roof of a parking garage
|
projectile shitting on a bush and a roof
|
[
"so last night i smoked a couple grams with some",
"friends on the way to another friends house. by",
"the time we got there, the munchies had",
"definitely kicked in so the first thing we did",
"was check my friend's pantry. i found 4 boxes of",
"oreos so i grabbed a handful. there was a tv in",
"the kitchen and there was a cat so i was more",
"than distracted in my high state. i was so",
"distracted that when i remembered that i was",
"eating i looked down to see that i had gone",
"through two whole boxes (you know the kind with 3",
"rows and a flap). i was scared that my friend's",
"parents would be mad that i ate half their oreo",
"stash so i decided it would be a great idea to",
"eat the rest and hide the evidence so i would be",
"innocent. so i grabbed a glass of milk and ate",
"the other two boxes. my stomach was more than",
"rumbling at this point and i knew what was going",
"to follow. i grabbed the 4 boxes and went outside",
"to find a dumpster to free myself from my",
"thieving deed. i found a neighbor's house that",
"had an open dumpster so i ventured down there to",
"throw the boxes away. i threw them in the trash",
"but by then i couldn't hold it any longer. my",
"stomach screamed like a thousand wounded kittens",
"and i sharted. i looked around me and found a",
"suitable bush that i would try to use. i threw",
"down my pants and projectile shat everywhere. the",
"bush was smothered in my fecal orgasm. the smell",
"was so unbearably grotesque that i don't even",
"have a good analogy for it. there was so much",
"sphincter magma covering my ass hair that i",
"realized i had to wipe my ass with my boxers and",
"throw them into the nearby dumpster. when i got",
"back to my friends house they all decided to go",
"to a movie. we met up with my friend who had just",
"got back from gamestop. we were on top of the",
"parking garage roof. if it couldn't get worse my",
"stomach volcano had to erupt again and i couldn't",
"hold it at all so i grabbed my friends gamestop",
"bag, emptied the contents, and filled it anew",
"with the hot liquid that spewed from my orafice.",
"it got all over my hand and the bag and i had no",
"choice but to throw the bag off of the roof and",
"pray it didn't land on anyone. i asked my friends",
"to take me home because i realized my intestines",
"were planning something more explosive than north",
"korea and i wanted to be in my own bathroom to",
"pull the trigger. needless to say it was a very",
"shitty night for me."
] |
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innocent. so i grabbed a glass of milk and ate to follow. i grabbed the 4 boxes and went outside parking garage roof. if it couldn't get worse my
|
1 | 1 | 0.67 | 1 |
this actually took place over several days. i was working on a water sourced a/c unit last week and had to run new pvc pipe to the unit. after running the new pvc i left and let the glue cure until my co-worker could get back to run the unit a couple days later. he ran the unit and everything was fine, so he finished up for the day and left the a/c running. my boss calls me this morning and tells me i need to get over there now, the owner called and said the place was flooded. i went there as quick as i could and there is about a foot of water in 2 seperate rooms, both of which were being used to store all materials and tools. the owner lost every spare piece of dry wall he had, several pieces of plywood, and some doors, idk how much it all cost him but i would guess a couple thousand dollars. it took us 6 hours to get rid of all the water and all the bad material and afterward found out that when the water level was high enough to go into the bathrooms the water started going down the floor drains preventing the water from going any higher. after the clean up we did some investigating and found a pvc fitting to the water sourced a/c unit that me and my boss put together wasnt glued properly and broke loose and poured out water for nearly 2 days.
|
me and my boss messed up on our job, water pumped out freely for nearly 2 days and flooded the building with about a foot of water. owner lost a couple thousand dollars. bathroom floor drains saved the situation from becoming worse.
|
not glueing a pvc pupe properly at a job site and flooded 2 rooms with about a foot of water
|
[
"this actually took place over several days. i was",
"working on a water sourced a/c unit last week and",
"had to run new pvc pipe to the unit. after",
"running the new pvc i left and let the glue cure",
"until my co-worker could get back to run the unit",
"a couple days later. he ran the unit and",
"everything was fine, so he finished up for the",
"day and left the a/c running. my boss calls me",
"this morning and tells me i need to get over",
"there now, the owner called and said the place",
"was flooded. i went there as quick as i could and",
"there is about a foot of water in 2 seperate",
"rooms, both of which were being used to store all",
"materials and tools. the owner lost every spare",
"piece of dry wall he had, several pieces of",
"plywood, and some doors, idk how much it all cost",
"him but i would guess a couple thousand dollars.",
"it took us 6 hours to get rid of all the water",
"and all the bad material and afterward found out",
"that when the water level was high enough to go",
"into the bathrooms the water started going down",
"the floor drains preventing the water from going",
"any higher. after the clean up we did some",
"investigating and found a pvc fitting to the",
"water sourced a/c unit that me and my boss put",
"together wasnt glued properly and broke loose and",
"poured out water for nearly 2 days."
] |
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] |
there is about a foot of water in 2 seperate him but i would guess a couple thousand dollars. the floor drains preventing the water from going water sourced a/c unit that me and my boss put poured out water for nearly 2 days.
|
67 | 21 | 0.78 | 67 |
i had a party at my dorm last night with a couple of my mates.got shitfaced.threw up.brushed my teeth.dropped my tooth brush on the ground.later on my buddy was throwing up in the bathroom and i thought it would be funny to shove a toothbrush up his ass.now remember i was drunk as hell ,im not gay.anyways i did it and it was funny as hell.
the next morning i was late to my class so i brought my toothbrush and brushed my teeth on the way.i threw up as soon as i realised it .there i was shit in my mouth puke on my clothes in the doorway of my 150 student class
|
used a toothbrush as a in ass prank,forgot to clean it,brushed my teeth
|
misusing my toothbrush
|
[
"i had a party at my dorm last night with a couple",
"of my mates.got shitfaced.threw up.brushed my",
"teeth.dropped my tooth brush on the ground.later",
"on my buddy was throwing up in the bathroom and i",
"thought it would be funny to shove a toothbrush",
"up his ass.now remember i was drunk as hell ,im",
"not gay.anyways i did it and it was funny as",
"hell.",
"the next morning i was late to my class so i",
"brought my toothbrush and brushed my teeth on the",
"way.i threw up as soon as i realised it .there i",
"was shit in my mouth puke on my clothes in the",
"doorway of my 150 student class"
] |
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] |
thought it would be funny to shove a toothbrush brought my toothbrush and brushed my teeth on the
|
680 | 206 | 0.93 | 680 |
well not really today, but friday night. i had sent my gf a couple of sex toys while she was home for the summer (we're both in college, i'm 28, she's 22), and i made her promise not to open the box till i could get on skype with her, sort of a surprise. well she was really happy to see the toys, started charging the batteries i sent, and i'm trying to get her to get frisky on cam with me. i end up getting her to take her shirt off and i started playing with myself on camera, when her mother sans knocking, busts into my gf's bedroom and sees me in all my glory and my gf topless on the bed, and proceeds to flip the fuck out. she asks about the package and my gf tells her it's not parent appropriate and that doesn't help anything.
i'm not embarrassed, i'm angry, but it gets worse, so much worse. my gf calls me on the phone and tells me that her mom wants to talk to me. her mother proceeds to chew me the fuck out, claims that we're making porn, that we're breaking the law, compares me to a pedophile, accuses me of manipulating her daughter, accuses me of taking her daughters virginity (i did) and starting this downward spiral... i mean her mother is super conservative, really old school, she'd probably think amish girls are sluts or something. making maters worse is the fact that for reasons i don't really follow, my gf's bedroom door has no door knob, no lock, nothing, so there is zero warning if someone doesn't knock. now we've gotten away with a lot in the past, but this incident really made it clear just how much her mother freaking hates me.
my gf and i are fine, she knows her mother is nuts, but i am really genuinely worried that this woman might try to either harm me, or try to manipulate my gf (irony?) into breaking up with me. i should add that her dad just laughed and said we shouldn't have been doing that, and that he might put a lock on the door finally.
i'm trying to laugh about it now, i think my gf is getting over it too (aside from having to live with the nutty old bat), but clearly her mother will not be laughing any time soon.
**edit:** let me first just say, wow, i've never seen this many upvotes in my life, redditors are really kind of a sadistic group, aren't we? or at least have a healthy appreciation of schadenfreude. that said, i do appreciate the supportive comments, and the solidarity from others dealing with parents who are nuts. i still know i fucked up, but i don't feel quite as bad about it. i'm hoping the mother is just overreacting and that we can make some peace, but time shall tell.
|
tifu by accidentally letting my gf's mother see my cock on skype.
|
with my girlfriend's mother over skype
|
[
"well not really today, but friday night. i had",
"sent my gf a couple of sex toys while she was",
"home for the summer (we're both in college, i'm",
"28, she's 22), and i made her promise not to open",
"the box till i could get on skype with her, sort",
"of a surprise. well she was really happy to see",
"the toys, started charging the batteries i sent,",
"and i'm trying to get her to get frisky on cam",
"with me. i end up getting her to take her shirt",
"off and i started playing with myself on camera,",
"when her mother sans knocking, busts into my gf's",
"bedroom and sees me in all my glory and my gf",
"topless on the bed, and proceeds to flip the fuck",
"out. she asks about the package and my gf tells",
"her it's not parent appropriate and that doesn't",
"help anything.",
"i'm not embarrassed, i'm angry, but it gets",
"worse, so much worse. my gf calls me on the",
"phone and tells me that her mom wants to talk to",
"me. her mother proceeds to chew me the fuck out,",
"claims that we're making porn, that we're",
"breaking the law, compares me to a pedophile,",
"accuses me of manipulating her daughter, accuses",
"me of taking her daughters virginity (i did) and",
"starting this downward spiral... i mean her",
"mother is super conservative, really old school,",
"she'd probably think amish girls are sluts or",
"something. making maters worse is the fact that",
"for reasons i don't really follow, my gf's",
"bedroom door has no door knob, no lock, nothing,",
"so there is zero warning if someone doesn't",
"knock. now we've gotten away with a lot in the",
"past, but this incident really made it clear just",
"how much her mother freaking hates me.",
"my gf and i are fine, she knows her mother is",
"nuts, but i am really genuinely worried that this",
"woman might try to either harm me, or try to",
"manipulate my gf (irony?) into breaking up with",
"me. i should add that her dad just laughed and",
"said we shouldn't have been doing that, and that",
"he might put a lock on the door finally.",
"i'm trying to laugh about it now, i think my gf",
"is getting over it too (aside from having to live",
"with the nutty old bat), but clearly her mother",
"will not be laughing any time soon.",
"**edit:** let me first just say, wow, i've never",
"seen this many upvotes in my life, redditors are",
"really kind of a sadistic group, aren't we? or",
"at least have a healthy appreciation of",
"schadenfreude. that said, i do appreciate the",
"supportive comments, and the solidarity from",
"others dealing with parents who are nuts. i",
"still know i fucked up, but i don't feel quite as",
"bad about it. i'm hoping the mother is just",
"overreacting and that we can make some peace, but",
"time shall tell."
] |
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the box till i could get on skype with her, sort when her mother sans knocking, busts into my gf's
|
509 | 166 | 0.84 | 509 |
this is a timeline of what happened to me today..
1 am: decide to go to bed, say everyone good night and try to sleep.
2 am: finally fall asleep.
7 am: mobile phone begins to go crazy, alarm is ringing at full volume, i am pissed off but i have to be at work at 8
7:50 am: mom comes into room, "doodie_in_shower why are you not at work yet?" i have to hurry but poop badly. fuck.
8 am: arrive at work
10:30 am: hunger is killing me, still need to poop, get to pee really fast but have to hurry since i work at a gas station.
10:40 am: a schnitzel-sandwich is bought and devoured in less than a minute.
1 pm: can finally go home, fortunately i have a car, else i'd be walking for 20 minutes.
1:17 pm: run to toilet, have small but astonishingly smelly poop. body decides to fail on me and passes out.
2 pm: shower and decide to shave bullocks with my de as usual. mid shave i have to poop again so i decide to wafflestomp. bad idea. now comes the biggest fuck up of them all: the poop doesn't go down the drain since my gf's hair blocked it. poopy water is standing up to my ankles, stomp like crazy. nothing happens. as i decide to unclog the drain i begin to gag and eventually puke and since the de is still in my hand i slit up my leg as i throw up. blood, poop and puke is everywhere.
2:20 pm: drain is finally unclogged, i nearly start crying thinking about this bad, bad decision. i reek of poop and gag like crazy.
2:30 pm: finally shower again, properly for a long, long time. decide to continue shaving bullocks since it was only half done. nether region decides to bleed. a lot.
3 pm: poop is gone, i smell like flowers again, my junk is smooth as fuck. decide to sit in front of computer and tell reddit how bad i felt as i continuosly fucked up. damnit.
this wall of text (sorry) was not only an actual and really sad fuck up, but also an exercise for writing short stories because i just realized i have an english exam tomorrow. fuck.
|
(lack of sleep + work + hunger + urge to shit) + all in one shower = not good
|
not sleeping enough
|
[
"this is a timeline of what happened to me today..",
"1 am: decide to go to bed, say everyone good",
"night and try to sleep.",
"2 am: finally fall asleep.",
"7 am: mobile phone begins to go crazy, alarm is",
"ringing at full volume, i am pissed off but i",
"have to be at work at 8",
"7:50 am: mom comes into room, \"doodie_in_shower",
"why are you not at work yet?\" i have to hurry but",
"poop badly. fuck.",
"8 am: arrive at work",
"10:30 am: hunger is killing me, still need to",
"poop, get to pee really fast but have to hurry",
"since i work at a gas station.",
"10:40 am: a schnitzel-sandwich is bought and",
"devoured in less than a minute.",
"1 pm: can finally go home, fortunately i have a",
"car, else i'd be walking for 20 minutes.",
"1:17 pm: run to toilet, have small but",
"astonishingly smelly poop. body decides to fail",
"on me and passes out.",
"2 pm: shower and decide to shave bullocks with my",
"de as usual. mid shave i have to poop again so i",
"decide to wafflestomp. bad idea. now comes the",
"biggest fuck up of them all: the poop doesn't go",
"down the drain since my gf's hair blocked it.",
"poopy water is standing up to my ankles, stomp",
"like crazy. nothing happens. as i decide to",
"unclog the drain i begin to gag and eventually",
"puke and since the de is still in my hand i slit",
"up my leg as i throw up. blood, poop and puke is",
"everywhere.",
"2:20 pm: drain is finally unclogged, i nearly",
"start crying thinking about this bad, bad",
"decision. i reek of poop and gag like crazy.",
"2:30 pm: finally shower again, properly for a",
"long, long time. decide to continue shaving",
"bullocks since it was only half done. nether",
"region decides to bleed. a lot.",
"3 pm: poop is gone, i smell like flowers again,",
"my junk is smooth as fuck. decide to sit in front",
"of computer and tell reddit how bad i felt as i",
"continuosly fucked up. damnit.",
"this wall of text (sorry) was not only an actual",
"and really sad fuck up, but also an exercise for",
"writing short stories because i just realized i",
"have an english exam tomorrow. fuck."
] |
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] |
why are you not at work yet?" i have to hurry but biggest fuck up of them all: the poop doesn't go
|
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