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long time lurker, first time poster. had something happen today that i deemed tifu worthy, but i will allow you to be the judge of that. unlike most posts, this did indeed happen today. i am by no means a writer, so forgive my spelling and grammatical errors and join me on this tale of fuck up.
today i got out of work shortly after lunch. on my way home, i stopped at a gas station around the corner from home. i frequent this gas station roughly 4 to 5 times a week for gum, soda, etc. as usual i stop in the gas station to pick up a soda.
now i must admit, my one vice is caffiene. for some people it is alcohol, drugs, gambling, blowing dudes, for me it is caffiene. i fill up my 44 ounce polar pop (it's only 79 cents!!!!) and decide to get one to take home for my wife also. sweet, i know. i fill her up a 44 ounce polar pop of dr. pepper. i put them in once of those plastic bags they now have to carry the sodas. i grab a snack from the candy aisle and proceed to pay for my items.
i know, i know, shut up and get to the fuck up already. i set the sodas on top of my car so i can open the door. why i didn't just put my candy bar in my pocket so i could open the door with my free hand, i will never know. again, i have done this exact thing hundreds of time without consequence. until today.
as i am attempting to open the car door, i glance up to the dr. pepper attempting to knock over the bag to escape. on top of that, this bastard was trying to take my soda with him! i was faced with a near life or death dilemma. i proceeded to save my soda while dr. pepper spills down the front of me and the side of my car.
to properly paint the picture, envision the scene in carrie, but just replace blood with dr. pepper. all 44 ounces was now on me and the car. much to my credit, i remained calm. no, this bastard dr. pepper would not get a response from me. as i sat sticky from my dr. pepper bath, i calmly picked up the empty soda cup. i put the lid back on the empty cup. i then looked around the parking lot, daring someone to make eye contact with me. my mind was made up, if someone was looking at me, i would look them in the eye and whip my dick out. to assert dominance, you know. the only person outside had their back to me, attempting to hide their laughter. i got in my car and drove home.
i walked into the house, handed my wife her empty soda cup, and went straight to the shower.
for all of you lazy fucks, here you are.
|
bought a soda for my wife, spilled it over myself and car, now am sticky and sweet from my head to my feet like def leppard. fuck you dr. pepper.
|
spilling a soda
|
[
"long time lurker, first time poster. had something",
"happen today that i deemed tifu worthy, but i",
"will allow you to be the judge of that. unlike",
"most posts, this did indeed happen today. i am by",
"no means a writer, so forgive my spelling and",
"grammatical errors and join me on this tale of",
"fuck up.",
"today i got out of work shortly after lunch. on",
"my way home, i stopped at a gas station around",
"the corner from home. i frequent this gas station",
"roughly 4 to 5 times a week for gum, soda, etc.",
"as usual i stop in the gas station to pick up a",
"soda.",
"now i must admit, my one vice is caffiene. for",
"some people it is alcohol, drugs, gambling,",
"blowing dudes, for me it is caffiene. i fill up",
"my 44 ounce polar pop (it's only 79 cents!!!!)",
"and decide to get one to take home for my wife",
"also. sweet, i know. i fill her up a 44 ounce",
"polar pop of dr. pepper. i put them in once of",
"those plastic bags they now have to carry the",
"sodas. i grab a snack from the candy aisle and",
"proceed to pay for my items.",
"i know, i know, shut up and get to the fuck up",
"already. i set the sodas on top of my car so i",
"can open the door. why i didn't just put my candy",
"bar in my pocket so i could open the door with my",
"free hand, i will never know. again, i have done",
"this exact thing hundreds of time without",
"consequence. until today.",
"as i am attempting to open the car door, i glance",
"up to the dr. pepper attempting to knock over the",
"bag to escape. on top of that, this bastard was",
"trying to take my soda with him! i was faced with",
"a near life or death dilemma. i proceeded to save",
"my soda while dr. pepper spills down the front of",
"me and the side of my car.",
"to properly paint the picture, envision the scene",
"in carrie, but just replace blood with dr.",
"pepper. all 44 ounces was now on me and the car.",
"much to my credit, i remained calm. no, this",
"bastard dr. pepper would not get a response from",
"me. as i sat sticky from my dr. pepper bath, i",
"calmly picked up the empty soda cup. i put the",
"lid back on the empty cup. i then looked around",
"the parking lot, daring someone to make eye",
"contact with me. my mind was made up, if someone",
"was looking at me, i would look them in the eye",
"and whip my dick out. to assert dominance, you",
"know. the only person outside had their back to",
"me, attempting to hide their laughter. i got in",
"my car and drove home.",
"i walked into the house, handed my wife her empty",
"soda cup, and went straight to the shower.",
"for all of you lazy fucks, here you are."
] |
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soda. and decide to get one to take home for my wife me. as i sat sticky from my dr. pepper bath, i
|
1 | 4 | 1 | 1 |
i asked her to give me a flash drive so i could put some college stuff in it a few months ago; to be safe, i copied all of her stuff and put it on my computer. i erased the contents of the flash drive as to avoid them getting stolen or to prevent malfunction: where me and my class mates print out projects, the printing machine malfunctions and we believe it happens if you have anything other than what you want to print on your flash drive.
so today she comes in drunk and asks me her her flash drive is, i lost it obviously and she can't remember what the documents names were, so i can't search them properly in my computers. the problem is i think i put them in my laptop, which bluescreened on me so i reinstalled windows and upgraded it's videocard, so if i had put her documents in my laptop they are now gone forever.
|
aunt lent me a flash drive with her life's work in it, i backed them up but lost them and deleted the contents of the flash drive out of superstition.
|
erasing my aunt's entire work from her flash drive
|
[
"i asked her to give me a flash drive so i could",
"put some college stuff in it a few months ago; to",
"be safe, i copied all of her stuff and put it on",
"my computer. i erased the contents of the flash",
"drive as to avoid them getting stolen or to",
"prevent malfunction: where me and my class mates",
"print out projects, the printing machine",
"malfunctions and we believe it happens if you",
"have anything other than what you want to print",
"on your flash drive.",
"so today she comes in drunk and asks me her her",
"flash drive is, i lost it obviously and she can't",
"remember what the documents names were, so i",
"can't search them properly in my computers. the",
"problem is i think i put them in my laptop, which",
"bluescreened on me so i reinstalled windows and",
"upgraded it's videocard, so if i had put her",
"documents in my laptop they are now gone forever."
] |
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i asked her to give me a flash drive so i could my computer. i erased the contents of the flash flash drive is, i lost it obviously and she can't
|
0 | 15 | 0.36 | 0 |
this happened last night. last. effing. night.
i have recently undergone a lot of changes and i've started dating. which i hate. i hate dating - it is the worst goddamned sport ever. i have a hard time finding people i click well with and usually i just run into people that are clingy as fuq and need a goddamned adjustment. or people aren't interested in me. whatever, we all have our problems.
so imagine my surprise when i encountered someone that i don't want to stab in the face? we met online, i really prefer to screen you before dealing with you, and ended up connecting very well.
flash forward a few weeks and we really like each other. we've been absolutely torturing each other this whole time and it has been difficult... to be nice to people. seriously. she-hulk over here... anyways he is going through a divorce right now and i'm not looking for a relationship/t per say, but i am gonna go ahead and skip the string of one night stands and find a good "friend". :0
so the divorce part is leaving this man with some conflicted feelings - again i understand. i've offered to let him deal with his shit and just take a stage left so he can clear his head. i got shit to do. he's made it clear he doesn't want that. and i don't really either, we both kind of fucked this up already by genuinely liking each other.
what happened?!?!?!
we carefully made plans (we both have children) after the first one fell through and everything was in place for a-go. (i should really add that the first time fell through because his kid decided to get an appendicitis and needed surgery.)
*and then... and then i went home to change my clothes and get my hair fierce and my face fierce and... and....*
it came... that bitch with the red face and the unpleasantness... right when i was changing my clothes and there it was, laughing at me and my carefully laid plans.
i was so pissed... i cried.
**edit**: my period happened. i guess i veiled it too much.
|
by being a woman... who couldn't hold back the tides of nature. telling this story almost makes me want to cry all over again... :''(
|
being a woman...
|
[
"this happened last night. last. effing. night.",
"i have recently undergone a lot of changes and",
"i've started dating. which i hate. i hate dating",
"- it is the worst goddamned sport ever. i have a",
"hard time finding people i click well with and",
"usually i just run into people that are clingy as",
"fuq and need a goddamned adjustment. or people",
"aren't interested in me. whatever, we all have",
"our problems.",
"so imagine my surprise when i encountered someone",
"that i don't want to stab in the face? we met",
"online, i really prefer to screen you before",
"dealing with you, and ended up connecting very",
"well.",
"flash forward a few weeks and we really like each",
"other. we've been absolutely torturing each other",
"this whole time and it has been difficult... to",
"be nice to people. seriously. she-hulk over",
"here... anyways he is going through a divorce",
"right now and i'm not looking for a",
"relationship/t per say, but i am gonna go ahead",
"and skip the string of one night stands and find",
"a good \"friend\". :0",
"so the divorce part is leaving this man with some",
"conflicted feelings - again i understand. i've",
"offered to let him deal with his shit and just",
"take a stage left so he can clear his head. i got",
"shit to do. he's made it clear he doesn't want",
"that. and i don't really either, we both kind of",
"fucked this up already by genuinely liking each",
"other.",
"what happened?!?!?!",
"we carefully made plans (we both have children)",
"after the first one fell through and everything",
"was in place for a-go. (i should really add that",
"the first time fell through because his kid",
"decided to get an appendicitis and needed",
"surgery.)",
"*and then... and then i went home to change my",
"clothes and get my hair fierce and my face fierce",
"and... and....*",
"it came... that bitch with the red face and the",
"unpleasantness... right when i was changing my",
"clothes and there it was, laughing at me and my",
"carefully laid plans.",
"i was so pissed... i cried.",
"**edit**: my period happened. i guess i veiled it",
"too much."
] |
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i have recently undergone a lot of changes and aren't interested in me. whatever, we all have that i don't want to stab in the face? we met
|
6 | 9 | 0.73 | 6 |
this actually happened in january but i only just thought i should post it.
its my freshman year in university and the first week of school i meet this girl and immediately i'm infatuated. i'm normally ok when it comes to talking to girls, but for some reason i can't seem to talk whenever this girl is around. anyway, fast forward the entire first semester and some fus involving her, i finally get her. we started dating late november and texted and skyped during christmas break and make it official in january.
now at this time we are only officially together about a week and a half and there is a party that day. we head down and naturally we get drunk and stumble back to the dorm. her roommate went home for the weekend so i was able to sleep over, but as soon as we get to her room we are so drunk and tired from the walk we pass out on the bed in our underwear. now to the fu. this entire time i didn't pee after drinking copious amounts of alcohol and i start having dreams that involve a lot of water. i see pools and beaches everywhere. then in my dream i proceed to pee, unknowingly at the same time, while cuddling and sleeping with my new girlfriend, i am actually peeing and end up peeing on her. i proceed to put on my clothes, do the laundry and disappear to my room for the remainder of the day, not able to face her.
it's 5 months later and we are still together. she reassured me that it was ok but that was single-handedly the most embarrassing moment of my life.
|
went out partying with my girlfriend, didn't pee, ended up peeing on her and the bed
|
not breaking the seal
|
[
"this actually happened in january but i only just",
"thought i should post it.",
"its my freshman year in university and the first",
"week of school i meet this girl and immediately",
"i'm infatuated. i'm normally ok when it comes to",
"talking to girls, but for some reason i can't",
"seem to talk whenever this girl is around.",
"anyway, fast forward the entire first semester",
"and some fus involving her, i finally get her. we",
"started dating late november and texted and",
"skyped during christmas break and make it",
"official in january.",
"now at this time we are only officially together",
"about a week and a half and there is a party that",
"day. we head down and naturally we get drunk and",
"stumble back to the dorm. her roommate went home",
"for the weekend so i was able to sleep over, but",
"as soon as we get to her room we are so drunk and",
"tired from the walk we pass out on the bed in our",
"underwear. now to the fu. this entire time i",
"didn't pee after drinking copious amounts of",
"alcohol and i start having dreams that involve a",
"lot of water. i see pools and beaches everywhere.",
"then in my dream i proceed to pee, unknowingly at",
"the same time, while cuddling and sleeping with",
"my new girlfriend, i am actually peeing and end",
"up peeing on her. i proceed to put on my clothes,",
"do the laundry and disappear to my room for the",
"remainder of the day, not able to face her.",
"it's 5 months later and we are still together.",
"she reassured me that it was ok but that was",
"single-handedly the most embarrassing moment of",
"my life."
] |
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didn't pee after drinking copious amounts of up peeing on her. i proceed to put on my clothes,
|
16 | 14 | 0.78 | 16 |
i did something bad last thursday and i don't think i can share this information with any of my friends(due to the fact that i kept making fun one of friend about their situation)
background story: whenever i have semester breaks i find time to walk my dog(trained without a leash). i take her to the same bike trail every-time. while my dog is going around doing her business, i am usually sitting on the swing of a jungle gym set.
one day, another person(early 30s) was walking her dog through the trail. my dog(super friendly) not being on a leash walked towards her dog while i was on my phone. our dogs started licking and playing(i still haven't noticed, music was too loud, until the she came towards me to compliment my dog.) she started asking me questions, like how did i train my dog to what school do i go to. we ended up talking for about 30 minutes while our dogs were running around playing. after talking we go our separate ways, i usually finish my walk by walking through some old friends neighborhood.
for the rest of that break, i noticed that bitch took my swing set idea and tied her untrained dog to the rocking horse. i would then sit on the other swing set and we would talk until i started the semester again.
thursday: it's been 5 months, finals are over and i finally have time to myself. i drive home after work one day and noticed that my dog was sitting by the door, basically asking to go outside. so i put my backpack upstairs and grab the beggin strips.
while walking my dog through the trail, i noticed that it was pretty wet after the rain, so i avoided the jungle gym. even though i avoided the jungle gym, i didn't see my talking buddy anywhere. after my dog finished her business we took our daily lap around the trail’s neighborhoods.
while doing this lap i noticed a woman waving at me from afar(can't recognize face, wasn't wearing glasses). anyways while she was waving at me she fell. so i ran towards her to lend her a hand. when i got there some of her groceries fell out of the bag, her heel was broken, and she had an abrasion. my dog completely ignored the incident and walked away without me.(daily path, i assumed she walked home.)
she asked me to help her inside her house, and get her the first aid kid from her bathroom. i helped her bandage up and she thanked me. as i am leaving, she asked me for one last favor, to get her groceries out of her car(because she said she hurt her ankle). i joked around and responded with "what am i your slave", she laughed and i walked away.
after bringing in all of the groceries and her broken heel, she insist on paying me. she reaches in her purse but, didn't have any cash. she tells me she has some cash in her room and to follow her. i noticed a photo of her and another man on the ground. i asked if that photo was her husband she said no, that is my ex-husband. i apologized, saying i'm sorry for your divorce. she responded by saying divorce isn't always a bad thing.
we get to her room and there were photos turned over. while looking through her drawer she apologizes and lets me know that she has no cash. she starts to undress herself, and me being the socially incompetent idiot i asked her "what are you doing".(that's way my dry spell was almost about to hit year). she responded "paying you". anyways while we were having sex a car pulls in, she pushes me off and "screams my husband is here hide". my heart started to beat irregularly(fast pace) as if i was about to have a heart attack. i got all my clothes and ran into the closet.
while in the closet my phone rang before he entered the house, my mom called me and i ignored the call. i call her back and asked why she called me. she asked if i were fine because, the dog came home alone. i whisper "yes, i am fine", she gets suspicious and ask why am i whispering. that is where i hung up. after hanging up the phone i see an empty 12ga(shotgun) box to my left and literally almost had a shit my pants.
her husband comes upstairs and falls asleep in the bed. i had no communication with her, no phone number not a thing. i was trapped in a closet for three hours until she convinced him to take her out to eat. i heard the door close but, was too afraid to come out. the thought of a black man getting shot kept running through my head, they'll never know the full story and how i was seduced if he killed me.
so i said fuck it and booked it, i ran as fast as i could out of the house. i noticed that the car was gone so i said fuck it i am going to get paid. i walk back inside the house and grab a good looking watch and sold it to my younger brother. it's been four days and i have yet to walk the dog. i never want to see her again, i'm so angry that i helped commit adultery. i think it's on a completely different level than cheating on a gf or bf. they were married. i can't get it out of my head, the only way i can sleep at night now is through self induced medication. i feel like i should go back and tell him but, he has a shotgun and i am trying to enjoy my life.
note:
1.when i don't walk my dog, my siblings do but, they never go as far.(so she still gets to go outside:) )
2. don’t feel like editing it, i’m not a editor sorry.
|
summary: i walked my dog met an interesting person. don't see her for 5 months, i end up in her pooper. while her husband drives in. i sweat my balls off in the closet next to a shotgun, until they went out for dinner.
|
walking my dog.
|
[
"i did something bad last thursday and i don't",
"think i can share this information with any of my",
"friends(due to the fact that i kept making fun",
"one of friend about their situation)",
"background story: whenever i have semester breaks",
"i find time to walk my dog(trained without a",
"leash). i take her to the same bike trail",
"every-time. while my dog is going around doing",
"her business, i am usually sitting on the swing",
"of a jungle gym set.",
"one day, another person(early 30s) was walking",
"her dog through the trail. my dog(super friendly)",
"not being on a leash walked towards her dog while",
"i was on my phone. our dogs started licking and",
"playing(i still haven't noticed, music was too",
"loud, until the she came towards me to compliment",
"my dog.) she started asking me questions, like",
"how did i train my dog to what school do i go to.",
"we ended up talking for about 30 minutes while",
"our dogs were running around playing. after",
"talking we go our separate ways, i usually finish",
"my walk by walking through some old friends",
"neighborhood.",
"for the rest of that break, i noticed that bitch",
"took my swing set idea and tied her untrained dog",
"to the rocking horse. i would then sit on the",
"other swing set and we would talk until i started",
"the semester again.",
"thursday: it's been 5 months, finals are over and",
"i finally have time to myself. i drive home after",
"work one day and noticed that my dog was sitting",
"by the door, basically asking to go outside. so i",
"put my backpack upstairs and grab the beggin",
"strips.",
"while walking my dog through the trail, i noticed",
"that it was pretty wet after the rain, so i",
"avoided the jungle gym. even though i avoided the",
"jungle gym, i didn't see my talking buddy",
"anywhere. after my dog finished her business we",
"took our daily lap around the trail’s",
"neighborhoods.",
"while doing this lap i noticed a woman waving at",
"me from afar(can't recognize face, wasn't wearing",
"glasses). anyways while she was waving at me she",
"fell. so i ran towards her to lend her a hand.",
"when i got there some of her groceries fell out",
"of the bag, her heel was broken, and she had an",
"abrasion. my dog completely ignored the incident",
"and walked away without me.(daily path, i assumed",
"she walked home.)",
"she asked me to help her inside her house, and",
"get her the first aid kid from her bathroom. i",
"helped her bandage up and she thanked me. as i am",
"leaving, she asked me for one last favor, to get",
"her groceries out of her car(because she said she",
"hurt her ankle). i joked around and responded",
"with \"what am i your slave\", she laughed and i",
"walked away.",
"after bringing in all of the groceries and her",
"broken heel, she insist on paying me. she",
"reaches in her purse but, didn't have any cash.",
"she tells me she has some cash in her room and to",
"follow her. i noticed a photo of her and another",
"man on the ground. i asked if that photo was her",
"husband she said no, that is my ex-husband. i",
"apologized, saying i'm sorry for your divorce.",
"she responded by saying divorce isn't always a",
"bad thing.",
"we get to her room and there were photos turned",
"over. while looking through her drawer she",
"apologizes and lets me know that she has no cash.",
"she starts to undress herself, and me being the",
"socially incompetent idiot i asked her \"what are",
"you doing\".(that's way my dry spell was almost",
"about to hit year). she responded \"paying you\".",
"anyways while we were having sex a car pulls in,",
"she pushes me off and \"screams my husband is here",
"hide\". my heart started to beat irregularly(fast",
"pace) as if i was about to have a heart attack. i",
"got all my clothes and ran into the closet.",
"while in the closet my phone rang before he",
"entered the house, my mom called me and i ignored",
"the call. i call her back and asked why she",
"called me. she asked if i were fine because, the",
"dog came home alone. i whisper \"yes, i am fine\",",
"she gets suspicious and ask why am i whispering.",
"that is where i hung up. after hanging up the",
"phone i see an empty 12ga(shotgun) box to my left",
"and literally almost had a shit my pants.",
"her husband comes upstairs and falls asleep in",
"the bed. i had no communication with her, no",
"phone number not a thing. i was trapped in a",
"closet for three hours until she convinced him to",
"take her out to eat. i heard the door close but,",
"was too afraid to come out. the thought of a",
"black man getting shot kept running through my",
"head, they'll never know the full story and how i",
"was seduced if he killed me.",
"so i said fuck it and booked it, i ran as fast as",
"i could out of the house. i noticed that the car",
"was gone so i said fuck it i am going to get",
"paid. i walk back inside the house and grab a",
"good looking watch and sold it to my younger",
"brother. it's been four days and i have yet to",
"walk the dog. i never want to see her again, i'm",
"so angry that i helped commit adultery. i think",
"it's on a completely different level than",
"cheating on a gf or bf. they were married. i",
"can't get it out of my head, the only way i can",
"sleep at night now is through self induced",
"medication. i feel like i should go back and tell",
"him but, he has a shotgun and i am trying to",
"enjoy my life.",
"note:",
"1.when i don't walk my dog, my siblings do but,",
"they never go as far.(so she still gets to go",
"outside:) )",
"2. don’t feel like editing it, i’m not a editor",
"sorry."
] |
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thursday: it's been 5 months, finals are over and while in the closet my phone rang before he her husband comes upstairs and falls asleep in him but, he has a shotgun and i am trying to 1.when i don't walk my dog, my siblings do but,
|
75 | 19 | 0.85 | 75 |
of course this didn't happen today. this happened in the new years eve before 2011, i was 13 at the time.
my parents had some friends staying over that live in argentina, a family of three: the dad, and two daughters who didn't speak english very well at all aged 8 and 6.
it was about 1am as i was staying up online and i was about to start going to sleep, so i go to brush my teeth. i don't normally sleep with pyjamas on and i was certain that everyone was asleep so i decided to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth which is across the hallway from my bedroom. in the bathroom someone obviously had had a bath or shower before as the floor was covered in condensation and water.
being new years ever there were loads of loud bangs from the fireworks outside and they caught my attention. still naked and brushing my teeth, i walk over to the window to have a look outside at the lovely fireworks.
i slip on the condensation and slam my head on the window sill, spitting toothpaste everywhere and start breathing really loudly through gritted teeth as i didn't want to make too much of a noise after i had slipped.
the door opens.
a 6 year old argentinian girl opens the bathroom door at 1 in the morning to see a 13 year old boy, naked, moaning on the floor of his bathroom, covered in white stuff all over his chest.
she had the expression like she was about to scream on her face, but slammed the door shut whispering "sorry!" under the door.
i didn't wake up in time to see them leave, and they haven't visited since.
|
brushed teeth naked, slipped on floor and spat toothpaste on stomach, little girl sees me naked groaning on the floor with white stuff on my chest
|
brushing my teeth [nsfw]
|
[
"of course this didn't happen today. this happened",
"in the new years eve before 2011, i was 13 at the",
"time.",
"my parents had some friends staying over that",
"live in argentina, a family of three: the dad,",
"and two daughters who didn't speak english very",
"well at all aged 8 and 6.",
"it was about 1am as i was staying up online and i",
"was about to start going to sleep, so i go to",
"brush my teeth. i don't normally sleep with",
"pyjamas on and i was certain that everyone was",
"asleep so i decided to go to the bathroom and",
"brush my teeth which is across the hallway from",
"my bedroom. in the bathroom someone obviously had",
"had a bath or shower before as the floor was",
"covered in condensation and water.",
"being new years ever there were loads of loud",
"bangs from the fireworks outside and they caught",
"my attention. still naked and brushing my teeth,",
"i walk over to the window to have a look outside",
"at the lovely fireworks.",
"i slip on the condensation and slam my head on",
"the window sill, spitting toothpaste everywhere",
"and start breathing really loudly through gritted",
"teeth as i didn't want to make too much of a",
"noise after i had slipped.",
"the door opens.",
"a 6 year old argentinian girl opens the bathroom",
"door at 1 in the morning to see a 13 year old",
"boy, naked, moaning on the floor of his bathroom,",
"covered in white stuff all over his chest.",
"she had the expression like she was about to",
"scream on her face, but slammed the door shut",
"whispering \"sorry!\" under the door.",
"i didn't wake up in time to see them leave, and",
"they haven't visited since."
] |
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my attention. still naked and brushing my teeth, boy, naked, moaning on the floor of his bathroom, covered in white stuff all over his chest.
|
5 | 7 | 0.78 | 5 |
this is happening as i type. i just got to china after a 24 hour flight from vancouver and i've been left behind after my uncles picked up my mom and little sister. i can't reach them. they probably think i'm in the other uncles car... and so i'm stuck at the zheng zhou airport in henan china....
i seriously cannot believe the moment i step into my home town i get stranded...
i'll update on what happens...
edit 1: me at airport
http://imgur.com/i8bt8sw
http://imgur.com/i4palt1
http://imgur.com/q63sbx8
i'm so hungry tight now
update 1: alright. i decided to use a super shady taxi service from the airport to my home town 200km west. was able to use the drivers iphone to log into my qq and contact my family. i'm now home and out 600rmb
|
stranded at the airport after uncles think i'm in the car
|
putting away the baggage cart at the airport
|
[
"this is happening as i type. i just got to china",
"after a 24 hour flight from vancouver and i've",
"been left behind after my uncles picked up my mom",
"and little sister. i can't reach them. they",
"probably think i'm in the other uncles car... and",
"so i'm stuck at the zheng zhou airport in henan",
"china....",
"i seriously cannot believe the moment i step into",
"my home town i get stranded...",
"i'll update on what happens...",
"edit 1: me at airport \n\nhttp://imgur.com/i8bt8sw",
"http://imgur.com/i4palt1",
"http://imgur.com/q63sbx8",
"i'm so hungry tight now",
"update 1: alright. i decided to use a super shady",
"taxi service from the airport to my home town",
"200km west. was able to use the drivers iphone to",
"log into my qq and contact my family. i'm now",
"home and out 600rmb"
] |
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probably think i'm in the other uncles car... and
|
0 | 10 | 0.45 | 0 |
this happened literally 5 minutes ago and i'm pissed as fuck.
so lately, my steam client has been really laggy. like holy shit i could literally go through every post in the front page of reddit and it still return to it loading my game library. i tried google, but only piece of advice i got was to turn off detection settings in the internet options but that didn't help at all. so this morning i got really impatient and tried to take matters into my own hands. i decided to uninstall steam (i had no fucking idea what was going through my mind during that time) and reinstall, hoping that it would fix the problem. i go into my control panel and browse through my endless supply of programs to find steam and uninstall it. i did, and boy was that the worst idea i ever had.
i started browsing through reddit as the process took place. after some time i noticed that the uninstall process was still working, but i didn't bother to check what exactly it was uninstalling. another 5-10 minutes pass and it hits me that my skype wasn't even up (i don't have it on windows startup). i alt+tab to my desktop to start up skype, and what i saw almost made me throw this shitty laptop to the wall. half of my shortcuts were deleted, all of them being steam games. i quickly open up the uninstall window and i see "removing_tera_(insert game files' names here)" all of my games were being deleted along with the steam client. i try closing the window but to no avail. i boot up task manage and finally manage to close it, but not before it taking 15-20 games of my library.
at least the reinstalled version is- wait, nope, the steam client is still laggy.
|
tried fixing steam client, lost most of my games with it, steam client still not fixed.
|
trying to fix my steam client
|
[
"this happened literally 5 minutes ago and i'm",
"pissed as fuck.",
"so lately, my steam client has been really laggy.",
"like holy shit i could literally go through every",
"post in the front page of reddit and it still",
"return to it loading my game library. i tried",
"google, but only piece of advice i got was to",
"turn off detection settings in the internet",
"options but that didn't help at all. so this",
"morning i got really impatient and tried to take",
"matters into my own hands. i decided to uninstall",
"steam (i had no fucking idea what was going",
"through my mind during that time) and reinstall,",
"hoping that it would fix the problem. i go into",
"my control panel and browse through my endless",
"supply of programs to find steam and uninstall",
"it. i did, and boy was that the worst idea i ever",
"had.",
"i started browsing through reddit as the process",
"took place. after some time i noticed that the",
"uninstall process was still working, but i didn't",
"bother to check what exactly it was uninstalling.",
"another 5-10 minutes pass and it hits me that my",
"skype wasn't even up (i don't have it on windows",
"startup). i alt+tab to my desktop to start up",
"skype, and what i saw almost made me throw this",
"shitty laptop to the wall. half of my shortcuts",
"were deleted, all of them being steam games. i",
"quickly open up the uninstall window and i see",
"\"removing_tera_(insert game files' names here)\"",
"all of my games were being deleted along with the",
"steam client. i try closing the window but to no",
"avail. i boot up task manage and finally manage",
"to close it, but not before it taking 15-20 games",
"of my library.",
"at least the reinstalled version is- wait, nope,",
"the steam client is still laggy."
] |
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all of my games were being deleted along with the the steam client is still laggy.
|
77 | 23 | 0.91 | 77 |
this happened around five years ago. i just remembered and thought it'd fit here.
the fu happened one night when my older brother sent me a text asking if i would be able to pick him up. apparently his friend was going to drive him most of the way back to our house and i was to meet him just off the highway since the friend didn't want to drive all the way to our house. it wasn't even that long of a drive from the highway to our house but i thought, *what* *the* *hell*, *i'll* *be* *a* *nice* *brother*, and told him i would. it was late and i was lazy so i jumped into my beat up toyota pick-up, still in my sweats and barefoot, and drove off.
i got down by the highway off-ramp and parked in an open space right in front of a trailer park entrance. lucky for me there was an officer across the street at the gas station giving some not-so-lucky bastard a ticket. *yay*! *a* *show* *while* *i* *wait*. and so i sat there enjoying my show while waiting for my brother.
ten minutes go by and my brother still hasn't gotten there. thankfully the officer was still holding that other fellow so i still had something to watch. *wait*, *why* *is* *the* *officer* *looking* *at* *me*? *okay*, *why* *is* *he* *looking* *at* *me* *and* *speaking* *into* *his* *radio*?
aaaaaaand two more officers pull up behind to me with their lights flashing. i roll down my window and they come up with their flashlights asking me for my license and why i was parked here. i do my best to explain it to them and i notice it sounds like a very stupid story. they must have thought the same thing because they asked me to step out of the truck.
so there i am, standing outside of my truck, in my sweats, with no shoes on, getting hand cuffed and placed in the back of the cop car. during this time four other cop cars have rolled up around the other guy’s car and were looking pretty serious. i was nervous and had no idea what the hell was going on and i had no way of getting a hold of my brother, who by the way, still hasn’t shown up.
i’m sitting in the back of the officer’s car for a few more minutes watching the commotion across the street when the cop opens up my door and tells me that i’m good to go. he takes off the cuffs and i see my mom and my older brother parked down the road. the cop told me they confirmed my ridiculous story and that i was good to go. he also told me that the car across the street was suspected to have explosives and that the officer on scene got suspicious of the little truck that parked across the street and kept turning to look. thought maybe i was a friend he contacted when he got pulled over.
i got in my truck to drive back home and pulled up to a laughing mom and brother. apparently because of all the cops my brother’s friend decided to just take him all the way home. and after i didn’t come back they drove down to where i said i’d be to see what was going on. they saw my truck with two cops pulled up behind it and talked to the officers explaining what had happened. and that was the last time i ever agreed to pick up my brother.
|
brother asked me to meet his friend by highway to pick brother up. parked my truck waiting for him. got mistaken as an accomplice in a bomb scare. dickhead brother and friend end up not needing me for pick up.
|
trying to be a good brother
|
[
"this happened around five years ago. i just",
"remembered and thought it'd fit here.",
"the fu happened one night when my older brother",
"sent me a text asking if i would be able to pick",
"him up. apparently his friend was going to drive",
"him most of the way back to our house and i was",
"to meet him just off the highway since the friend",
"didn't want to drive all the way to our house. it",
"wasn't even that long of a drive from the highway",
"to our house but i thought, *what* *the* *hell*,",
"*i'll* *be* *a* *nice* *brother*, and told him i",
"would. it was late and i was lazy so i jumped",
"into my beat up toyota pick-up, still in my",
"sweats and barefoot, and drove off.",
"i got down by the highway off-ramp and parked in",
"an open space right in front of a trailer park",
"entrance. lucky for me there was an officer",
"across the street at the gas station giving some",
"not-so-lucky bastard a ticket. *yay*! *a* *show*",
"*while* *i* *wait*. and so i sat there enjoying",
"my show while waiting for my brother.",
"ten minutes go by and my brother still hasn't",
"gotten there. thankfully the officer was still",
"holding that other fellow so i still had",
"something to watch. *wait*, *why* *is* *the*",
"*officer* *looking* *at* *me*? *okay*, *why* *is*",
"*he* *looking* *at* *me* *and* *speaking* *into*",
"*his* *radio*?",
"aaaaaaand two more officers pull up behind to me",
"with their lights flashing. i roll down my window",
"and they come up with their flashlights asking me",
"for my license and why i was parked here. i do my",
"best to explain it to them and i notice it sounds",
"like a very stupid story. they must have thought",
"the same thing because they asked me to step out",
"of the truck.",
"so there i am, standing outside of my truck, in",
"my sweats, with no shoes on, getting hand cuffed",
"and placed in the back of the cop car. during",
"this time four other cop cars have rolled up",
"around the other guy’s car and were looking",
"pretty serious. i was nervous and had no idea",
"what the hell was going on and i had no way of",
"getting a hold of my brother, who by the way,",
"still hasn’t shown up.",
"i’m sitting in the back of the officer’s car for",
"a few more minutes watching the commotion across",
"the street when the cop opens up my door and",
"tells me that i’m good to go. he takes off the",
"cuffs and i see my mom and my older brother",
"parked down the road. the cop told me they",
"confirmed my ridiculous story and that i was good",
"to go. he also told me that the car across the",
"street was suspected to have explosives and that",
"the officer on scene got suspicious of the little",
"truck that parked across the street and kept",
"turning to look. thought maybe i was a friend he",
"contacted when he got pulled over.",
"i got in my truck to drive back home and pulled",
"up to a laughing mom and brother. apparently",
"because of all the cops my brother’s friend",
"decided to just take him all the way home. and",
"after i didn’t come back they drove down to where",
"i said i’d be to see what was going on. they saw",
"my truck with two cops pulled up behind it and",
"talked to the officers explaining what had",
"happened. and that was the last time i ever",
"agreed to pick up my brother."
] |
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to meet him just off the highway since the friend i got down by the highway off-ramp and parked in my show while waiting for my brother. the same thing because they asked me to step out agreed to pick up my brother.
|
0 | 0 | 0.43 | 0 |
ok guys so this is my first tifu post but that doesn't mean i don't fuck up a lot. actually i fucked up one time that lead me to where i am today. it started over a year ago when i took an ap and then played on my phone the entire time like an idiot (fuck up number 1, i hate myself for it.) then it was brought to my attention that hey, you can't get into college with an f in a class apparently. this was news to my 16 year old ears. so a year went by thinking i was doomed until after my junior year of high school i learned about "a-g credit recovery."
i'm writing this while there right now. i know, i know "if you failed the last class by being on your phone why the fuck are you on reddit in the recovery class." well i'm fucking scared for my life. i got sent to this prison-like building that is meant for the expelled juveniles who can't participate in normal society. the enrollment is like 170 or something and the entire school is about 5 classrooms stacked on top of each other . so now i'm the only one in this classroom that will be filled with delinquents who failed classes and need it to pass high school, and the worst part about it all is the teacher. i didn't know what his name was until 5 minutes ago when i asked the front desk. if he is who i think he is after only hearing the name, then he is the 6 foot 8 250 pound weight lifting monster of a gov teacher at my high school. this guy is ridiculously intimidating. i heard he skipped class and called a sub once so he could go work out during school. rumors aside though, i have been in one of his classes before and he is totally a nice guy. but he doesn't like me. my friends were sitting outside his classroom during lunch not too long ago and one of my dumb ass friends started telling us a story that contained a typical amount of high school profanity, except we were outside of this teacher's classroom. so he comes outside and right up to our puny in comparison bodies and starts yelling at all of us for disrespectfully cussing outside his classroom when he had a class in session. i guess we'll see if he recognizes my face. wish me luck, reddit. this post took so long to write it's almost time for class to start.
to clarify, and
|
failed an ap class, summer school over the easier version of the cp version of the class. prison high school. monster of a teacher. already thinks i'm a punk. grasping on to sanity for the next two hours.
|
my trying to go to college
|
[
"ok guys so this is my first tifu post but that",
"doesn't mean i don't fuck up a lot. actually i",
"fucked up one time that lead me to where i am",
"today. it started over a year ago when i took an",
"ap and then played on my phone the entire time",
"like an idiot (fuck up number 1, i hate myself",
"for it.) then it was brought to my attention that",
"hey, you can't get into college with an f in a",
"class apparently. this was news to my 16 year old",
"ears. so a year went by thinking i was doomed",
"until after my junior year of high school i",
"learned about \"a-g credit recovery.\"",
"i'm writing this while there right now. i know, i",
"know \"if you failed the last class by being on",
"your phone why the fuck are you on reddit in the",
"recovery class.\" well i'm fucking scared for my",
"life. i got sent to this prison-like building",
"that is meant for the expelled juveniles who",
"can't participate in normal society. the",
"enrollment is like 170 or something and the",
"entire school is about 5 classrooms stacked on",
"top of each other . so now i'm the only one in",
"this classroom that will be filled with",
"delinquents who failed classes and need it to",
"pass high school, and the worst part about it all",
"is the teacher. i didn't know what his name was",
"until 5 minutes ago when i asked the front desk.",
"if he is who i think he is after only hearing the",
"name, then he is the 6 foot 8 250 pound weight",
"lifting monster of a gov teacher at my high",
"school. this guy is ridiculously intimidating. i",
"heard he skipped class and called a sub once so",
"he could go work out during school. rumors aside",
"though, i have been in one of his classes before",
"and he is totally a nice guy. but he doesn't like",
"me. my friends were sitting outside his classroom",
"during lunch not too long ago and one of my dumb",
"ass friends started telling us a story that",
"contained a typical amount of high school",
"profanity, except we were outside of this",
"teacher's classroom. so he comes outside and",
"right up to our puny in comparison bodies and",
"starts yelling at all of us for disrespectfully",
"cussing outside his classroom when he had a class",
"in session. i guess we'll see if he recognizes my",
"face. wish me luck, reddit. this post took so",
"long to write it's almost time for class to",
"start.",
"to clarify, and"
] |
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ap and then played on my phone the entire time recovery class." well i'm fucking scared for my lifting monster of a gov teacher at my high contained a typical amount of high school to clarify, and
|
4 | 16 | 0.72 | 4 |
today morning is very my fucking up moment in my life with amazon messages, i have to tell you before that i'm not us resident. so normally i haven't orders anything from amazon before. 3 weeks ago after i planed to built my new rig and this rig is especially for running games and i heard that amazon really provide first class service for their customers and they ever gave away new coming games such as the witcher 3 and batman, so i decided to make the order with them.
7 may : i tried to order gtx 970 , however , i noticed that i had to pay 108$ as import fee deposit. i though it was very high because normally in my country they apply 0% tax for hardware they only incur 7% as vat, so i wrote to customer service asking about this matter. they only said that tax will be refunded after 60 days and tell me don't worry about that. that is very promising.
two weeks later , i received new gtx 970, at first i was very happy with my new gpu. however , it seem very fishy because they didn't provide me with any customs receipt. (they also use worst 3rd third party transportation service in my country, we always hear about broken goods and items from them) so at the same day i called to usa customer service directly asking for receipt. they only said the same thing that i've heard before "refund process will take 60 days" instead for any receipt , they gave me only this.
i haven't ever bothered with them after that until today i received some messages from them, they said :
"we're writing to let you know we processed your refund of $14.48 for your order"
after received this , i thought i had fucked up myself already.
gtx 970 is 350 usd , as i said before tax should apply only 7 % vat , with this i should pay only 24.5 usd. i had already paid 108 usd but they will probably give me back only 14.48 usd , so i will lose nearly 93.52 usd for this purchasing.
this's very suck because i can purchase the same thing in local shop at 382 usd, you may wonder why i didn't purchase from local shop instead, this maybe punishment for my greedy, i purchase from amazon because they gave away those games that i mentioned before.
today , i felt as loser and i really want to jump out from some cliff, regardless that fact , i didn't really want to become loser so i emailed to amazon again, i just wanted to check information about their clearance process, and if they used the same amount i will admit it, but the answer that i got from them was the same thing that i got from them since 3 weeks ago " refund process probably use 60 days from purchasing" i did't satisfy with the answer so i tried to chat with customer service again and asking for any receipts but they still refused to give me any receipt.
problem was that when i asked them without any receipt how i can know that you charged in correct amount, they told me to contact to customs directly.
oh my god , how the fuck i can do that without any information from you, how can i speak with them if i haven't known any import number or ever flight of my goods.
now, the last thing in my mind is that today was really fucking day for me.
|
i've just fucked up with my money by purchasing hardware from amazon and had to pay a large sum of import tax and amazon can't ever give me any information for that.
|
for my first amazon order
|
[
"today morning is very my fucking up moment in my",
"life with amazon messages, i have to tell you",
"before that i'm not us resident. so normally i",
"haven't orders anything from amazon before. 3",
"weeks ago after i planed to built my new rig and",
"this rig is especially for running games and i",
"heard that amazon really provide first class",
"service for their customers and they ever gave",
"away new coming games such as the witcher 3 and",
"batman, so i decided to make the order with them.",
"7 may : i tried to order gtx 970 , however , i",
"noticed that i had to pay 108$ as import fee",
"deposit. i though it was very high because",
"normally in my country they apply 0% tax for",
"hardware they only incur 7% as vat, so i wrote to",
"customer service asking about this matter. they",
"only said that tax will be refunded after 60 days",
"and tell me don't worry about that. that is very",
"promising.",
"two weeks later , i received new gtx 970, at",
"first i was very happy with my new gpu. however ,",
"it seem very fishy because they didn't provide me",
"with any customs receipt. (they also use worst",
"3rd third party transportation service in my",
"country, we always hear about broken goods and",
"items from them) so at the same day i called to",
"usa customer service directly asking for receipt.",
"they only said the same thing that i've heard",
"before \"refund process will take 60 days\" instead",
"for any receipt , they gave me only this.",
"i haven't ever bothered with them after that",
"until today i received some messages from them,",
"they said :",
"\"we're writing to let you know we processed your",
"refund of $14.48 for your order\"",
"after received this , i thought i had fucked up",
"myself already.",
"gtx 970 is 350 usd , as i said before tax should",
"apply only 7 % vat , with this i should pay only",
"24.5 usd. i had already paid 108 usd but they",
"will probably give me back only 14.48 usd , so i",
"will lose nearly 93.52 usd for this purchasing.",
"this's very suck because i can purchase the same",
"thing in local shop at 382 usd, you may wonder",
"why i didn't purchase from local shop instead,",
"this maybe punishment for my greedy, i purchase",
"from amazon because they gave away those games",
"that i mentioned before.",
"today , i felt as loser and i really want to",
"jump out from some cliff, regardless that fact ,",
"i didn't really want to become loser so i emailed",
"to amazon again, i just wanted to check",
"information about their clearance process, and if",
"they used the same amount i will admit it, but",
"the answer that i got from them was the same",
"thing that i got from them since 3 weeks ago \"",
"refund process probably use 60 days from",
"purchasing\" i did't satisfy with the answer so i",
"tried to chat with customer service again and",
"asking for any receipts but they still refused to",
"give me any receipt.",
"problem was that when i asked them without any",
"receipt how i can know that you charged in",
"correct amount, they told me to contact to",
"customs directly.",
"oh my god , how the fuck i can do that without",
"any information from you, how can i speak with",
"them if i haven't known any import number or ever",
"flight of my goods.",
"now, the last thing in my mind is that today was",
"really fucking day for me."
] |
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noticed that i had to pay 108$ as import fee after received this , i thought i had fucked up give me any receipt. any information from you, how can i speak with
|
0 | 1 | 0.5 | 0 |
this happened just today (surprise) , and i still feel horrible about it.
around 2 hours before the fuck up i was with my friends after an exam in our free time before a revision session, we went to my friend's (lets say sarah) and played some mortal kombat before we went back to school. with sarah was her friend who i had barely spoken to before, she seemed really nice and i quite liked her.
fast forward to later at lunch, i was with another person who was also at sarah's house, she suggested it would be funny if she gave me the girls number and we 'prank-texted' her. if anyones interested, [heres the text i sent](http://i.imgur.com/hipgwqa.jpg)
pretty convincing right? a little too convincing apparently as according to sarah who arrived a while after i sent it she had called her father and was close to crying. i managed to bump into the girl at the end of lunch, who insisted i didn't speak to her when i tried to apologise, i felt quite bad.
i to find her after school to find she wasn't as annoyed as before, but i wouldn't describe her as my biggest fan.
|
made a girl think she had payed for a £ 550.98 laptop and she didn't find it funny.
|
making a girl think she had been a victim of fraud.
|
[
"this happened just today (surprise) , and i still",
"feel horrible about it.",
"around 2 hours before the fuck up i was with my",
"friends after an exam in our free time before a",
"revision session, we went to my friend's (lets",
"say sarah) and played some mortal kombat before",
"we went back to school. with sarah was her friend",
"who i had barely spoken to before, she seemed",
"really nice and i quite liked her.",
"fast forward to later at lunch, i was with",
"another person who was also at sarah's house, she",
"suggested it would be funny if she gave me the",
"girls number and we 'prank-texted' her. if",
"anyones interested, [heres the text i",
"sent](http://i.imgur.com/hipgwqa.jpg)",
"pretty convincing right? a little too convincing",
"apparently as according to sarah who arrived a",
"while after i sent it she had called her father",
"and was close to crying. i managed to bump into",
"the girl at the end of lunch, who insisted i",
"didn't speak to her when i tried to apologise, i",
"felt quite bad.",
"i to find her after school to find she wasn't as",
"annoyed as before, but i wouldn't describe her as",
"my biggest fan."
] |
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really nice and i quite liked her. while after i sent it she had called her father
|
768 | 158 | 0.94 | 768 |
this morning i was on my way to class and got stuck behind two bulldozers on the freeway and so i passed them on the left when i was able to.
to attempt to make up my list time, i must have hit 90 mph in a 65 zone. i then saw a state trooper on the side of the highway speed out and put his lights on.
after i realized he was coming for me, i pulled off to the side of the road. i have all of my registration, license and insurance.
he stepped up to the side of my car and i remembered on the front page of r/jokes yesterday, a joke in which i found hilarious.
i wanted to share it because i'm not entirely a shy or nervous guy.
i told the officer, "i know i know, i was speeding but the love of my life left me for a police officer last may, and i was deathly afraid that you were bringing her back to me"
as soon as i said it, i realized by his laugh that i fucked up. it wasn't a laugh of "oh that's funny".
it was a laugh of disappointment.
the officer told me that i fucked the joke up. he told me that the joke is meant to be about a wife, because they nag a lot.
he told me he is a frequent redditor as sitting on the side of the interstate is not too amusing.
he then wrote my ticket anyways and embarrassed the shit out of me. when i got home, and saw the 384.00 ticket, and the reason written in, it stated as follows.
"operator of 2002 dodge stratus speeding 96mph in 65mph zone. proceeded to attempt to get out of said offense by mouthing off and trying to make me laugh."
i done fucked up.
here is the joke i used.
https://www.reddit.com/r/jokes/comments/38wusu/a_guy_is_doing_90_in_a_75_and_sees_lights_from_a/
|
r/jokes isn't r/legaladvice so don't try them in legal situations.
|
trying to use r/jokes to get out of a speeding ticket...
|
[
"this morning i was on my way to class and got",
"stuck behind two bulldozers on the freeway and so",
"i passed them on the left when i was able to.",
"to attempt to make up my list time, i must have",
"hit 90 mph in a 65 zone. i then saw a state",
"trooper on the side of the highway speed out and",
"put his lights on.",
"after i realized he was coming for me, i pulled",
"off to the side of the road. i have all of my",
"registration, license and insurance.",
"he stepped up to the side of my car and i",
"remembered on the front page of r/jokes",
"yesterday, a joke in which i found hilarious.",
"i wanted to share it because i'm not entirely a",
"shy or nervous guy.",
"i told the officer, \"i know i know, i was",
"speeding but the love of my life left me for a",
"police officer last may, and i was deathly afraid",
"that you were bringing her back to me\"",
"as soon as i said it, i realized by his laugh",
"that i fucked up. it wasn't a laugh of \"oh that's",
"funny\".",
"it was a laugh of disappointment.",
"the officer told me that i fucked the joke up. he",
"told me that the joke is meant to be about a",
"wife, because they nag a lot.",
"he told me he is a frequent redditor as sitting",
"on the side of the interstate is not too amusing.",
"he then wrote my ticket anyways and embarrassed",
"the shit out of me. when i got home, and saw the",
"384.00 ticket, and the reason written in, it",
"stated as follows.",
"\"operator of 2002 dodge stratus speeding 96mph in",
"65mph zone. proceeded to attempt to get out of",
"said offense by mouthing off and trying to make",
"me laugh.\"",
"i done fucked up.\n\n \n\nhere is the joke i used.",
"https://www.reddit.com/r/jokes/comments/38wusu/a_",
"guy_is_doing_90_in_a_75_and_sees_lights_from_a/"
] |
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stuck behind two bulldozers on the freeway and so remembered on the front page of r/jokes
|
0 | 10 | 0.5 | 0 |
happened sometime last year.
so i have this logitech keyboard that lights up. i've always loved it since it looks very cool and is very nice to type on. it was a bit expensive but worth it (about $70).
fu happens when i decide to wipe the keyboard and since i'm in a rush, i wipe it quickly and roughly (with a cloth) when i hear a snap.
what happened was that the "t" key got stuck under the cloth and came off. even worse, the white clips that hold the key in place are broken in half. even the key is damaged since the part where the clips attach are broken.
luckily i have a spare keyboard (which is crappy but works) but i live in nepal and i can't find a replacement anywhere. i end up getting a replacement key and clip from a friend who visited from australia... 4 months later.
|
wiped keyboard too roughly, key broke off, got a replacement only after 4 months.
|
wiping my keyboard too quickly
|
[
"happened sometime last year.",
"so i have this logitech keyboard that lights up.",
"i've always loved it since it looks very cool and",
"is very nice to type on. it was a bit expensive",
"but worth it (about $70).",
"fu happens when i decide to wipe the keyboard and",
"since i'm in a rush, i wipe it quickly and",
"roughly (with a cloth) when i hear a snap.",
"what happened was that the \"t\" key got stuck",
"under the cloth and came off. even worse, the",
"white clips that hold the key in place are broken",
"in half. even the key is damaged since the part",
"where the clips attach are broken.",
"luckily i have a spare keyboard (which is crappy",
"but works) but i live in nepal and i can't find a",
"replacement anywhere. i end up getting a",
"replacement key and clip from a friend who",
"visited from australia... 4 months later."
] |
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0.45653521756321636,
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0.6377556310086039,
0.4749919880606218,
1
] |
replacement key and clip from a friend who visited from australia... 4 months later.
|
44 | 58 | 0.91 | 44 |
last night i was out with some friends of mine. i haven't had that much fun in a very very long time. we were 4 people, including a girl i've known for a while and had a light crush on. we haven't had any chances of talking and getting to know eachother before. the other two were my best friend and his girlfriend. so i can say that it was a kind of a double date.
we had walked all around the city and went to many places. the city was pretty quiet. we went to parks and similar and joked around. that is my idea of having fun. after a while we decided that we should go to this night club. we entered and went to the upper floor where you can sit and where it isn't very crowded. it was dim lighted so we couldn't see around much. the couple took their corner and started doing their stuff and finally i was alone with the girl in my own corner of the sofa. i had noticed that she liked me also, so we flirted and joked around. she said she was tired and sleepy so we started cuddling also. she was laying on my chest and i was very excited, because that doesn't happen to me often.
so, as it was all milk and honey, out of nowhere, this tatted up jerk comes along and starts yelling at the girl i was cuddling with. she got up and started arguing too, about something from their past. i didn't get what they were yelling about. i just had my fierce look locked on his jaw, ready to jump him. the jerk had something of 6-7 other "jerked"friends behind him and i could see they were all a bit drunk. so you must be wondering now on how did i plan on fighting them. well, my friend that was on the other corner of the sofa, was basically behind them and also he is a known and successful mma fighter. i knew that we could have taken them all, because we have been in similar situations in the past. i know him very well, like a brother, and we would both kill or die for the other person if needed. i just looked at him and he just waved me off saying "no, don't do it". i kind of backed off, but was still ready to start biting if the jerk would do something to the girl. after 5 minutes of her arguing alone, they left, and she sat back down crying. i froze and didn't know what to do. she had been pushed and yelled at from a group of men and all i did was sit back in my black corner doing nothing. we left that night club, saying that we would never go back there again. all the way back home, she was mostly silent and sad. my friend elaborated that we couldn't have fought because he had a fight the next day(today). we would have definitely gotten some beating also, because it would have been 2 vs 7-8, and he wants to be in the best shape possible for today. that stupid fight could have only messed up his career.
but, now in the eyes of the girl i am a cowardly man that didn't stood up for her.
we also talked a bit today at the entrance of the fighting pit, but i can see that a bit of the spark between us is gone. she is still feeling bad about last night, as am i. she is now sitting 2 rows in front of me and i am writing this on my phone as i am waiting for my friend's fight to start.
edit: there were guards in the night club. a fight would have definitely gone wrong and the police would have probably get involved. that would have been a problem. and i also just learned that the tatted jerk's father owned the night club. he is a rich kid that thinks that he could do whatever he wants.
edit2: yup! my friend won the fight today.
edit3: reddit is crazy! it all went fine and i went out with the girl again! pheww!
__________________________________________________________________________
edit4: it's 2018, 2 years later, and i very faintly remember this event. wow i was a kid! don't fight dudes. i kinda cringe looking at this post of mine now.
|
had the time of my life with a girl. jerks come. i am a coward now. crush is gone.
|
not getting into a fight.
|
[
"last night i was out with some friends of mine. i",
"haven't had that much fun in a very very long",
"time. we were 4 people, including a girl i've",
"known for a while and had a light crush on. we",
"haven't had any chances of talking and getting to",
"know eachother before. the other two were my best",
"friend and his girlfriend. so i can say that it",
"was a kind of a double date.",
"we had walked all around the city and went to",
"many places. the city was pretty quiet. we went",
"to parks and similar and joked around. that is my",
"idea of having fun. after a while we decided that",
"we should go to this night club. we entered and",
"went to the upper floor where you can sit and",
"where it isn't very crowded. it was dim lighted",
"so we couldn't see around much. the couple took",
"their corner and started doing their stuff and",
"finally i was alone with the girl in my own",
"corner of the sofa. i had noticed that she liked",
"me also, so we flirted and joked around. she said",
"she was tired and sleepy so we started cuddling",
"also. she was laying on my chest and i was very",
"excited, because that doesn't happen to me often.",
"so, as it was all milk and honey, out of nowhere,",
"this tatted up jerk comes along and starts",
"yelling at the girl i was cuddling with. she got",
"up and started arguing too, about something from",
"their past. i didn't get what they were yelling",
"about. i just had my fierce look locked on his",
"jaw, ready to jump him. the jerk had something of",
"6-7 other \"jerked\"friends behind him and i could",
"see they were all a bit drunk. so you must be",
"wondering now on how did i plan on fighting them.",
"well, my friend that was on the other corner of",
"the sofa, was basically behind them and also he",
"is a known and successful mma fighter. i knew",
"that we could have taken them all, because we",
"have been in similar situations in the past. i",
"know him very well, like a brother, and we would",
"both kill or die for the other person if needed.",
"i just looked at him and he just waved me off",
"saying \"no, don't do it\". i kind of backed off,",
"but was still ready to start biting if the jerk",
"would do something to the girl. after 5 minutes",
"of her arguing alone, they left, and she sat back",
"down crying. i froze and didn't know what to do.",
"she had been pushed and yelled at from a group of",
"men and all i did was sit back in my black corner",
"doing nothing. we left that night club, saying",
"that we would never go back there again. all the",
"way back home, she was mostly silent and sad. my",
"friend elaborated that we couldn't have fought",
"because he had a fight the next day(today). we",
"would have definitely gotten some beating also,",
"because it would have been 2 vs 7-8, and he wants",
"to be in the best shape possible for today. that",
"stupid fight could have only messed up his",
"career.",
"but, now in the eyes of the girl i am a cowardly",
"man that didn't stood up for her.",
"we also talked a bit today at the entrance of",
"the fighting pit, but i can see that a bit of the",
"spark between us is gone. she is still feeling",
"bad about last night, as am i. she is now sitting",
"2 rows in front of me and i am writing this on my",
"phone as i am waiting for my friend's fight to",
"start.",
"edit: there were guards in the night club. a",
"fight would have definitely gone wrong and the",
"police would have probably get involved. that",
"would have been a problem. and i also just",
"learned that the tatted jerk's father owned the",
"night club. he is a rich kid that thinks that he",
"could do whatever he wants.",
"edit2: yup! my friend won the fight today.",
"edit3: reddit is crazy! it all went fine and i",
"went out with the girl again! pheww!",
"_________________________________________________",
"_________________________",
"edit4: it's 2018, 2 years later, and i very",
"faintly remember this event. wow i was a kid!",
"don't fight dudes. i kinda cringe looking at this",
"post of mine now."
] |
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but, now in the eyes of the girl i am a cowardly spark between us is gone. she is still feeling
|
16 | 12 | 0.91 | 16 |
mandatory back story:
i work at small electronics store in a town in australia, i am not a noob at electronics but today i made quite a bad mistake.
fuck up:
well today i had a customer come in who needed a new car adapter for her portable dvd player, i walked her to the wall that had all the adapters and showed her which one she needed. i look on the side of her dvd player to see what voltage the input needed to be, it said 9v so i went to get a 12v to 9v adapter. i proceed to bring it to the counter, and like i always do i went to test it.
i plug it in, and immediately that burning electric smell appears.. at first i thought it was the machine was broken but then i realized that i had the polarity (positive and negative pins) around the wrong way. (it was a universal adapter so you have to put the end on that fits the device.) i had "blown up" the portable dvd player.. my boss comes and grabs the player and takes it out the back to see if its repairable but alas it was not. it was fried... so he had to give one of the dvd players we stock to the customer for free and i had to pay for it. $60 aud ... not super bad but i felt like shit...
edit: i have been trained correctly but accidentally made a mistake.. also i didn't have to pay. i wanted to because i felt like shit
|
plugged in a customers portable dvd player the wrong way and fucked it.
|
blowing up a customers portable dvd player
|
[
"mandatory back story:",
"i work at small electronics store in a town in",
"australia, i am not a noob at electronics but",
"today i made quite a bad mistake.",
"fuck up:",
"well today i had a customer come in who needed a",
"new car adapter for her portable dvd player, i",
"walked her to the wall that had all the adapters",
"and showed her which one she needed. i look on",
"the side of her dvd player to see what voltage",
"the input needed to be, it said 9v so i went to",
"get a 12v to 9v adapter. i proceed to bring it to",
"the counter, and like i always do i went to test",
"it.",
"i plug it in, and immediately that burning",
"electric smell appears.. at first i thought it",
"was the machine was broken but then i realized",
"that i had the polarity (positive and negative",
"pins) around the wrong way. (it was a universal",
"adapter so you have to put the end on that fits",
"the device.) i had \"blown up\" the portable dvd",
"player.. my boss comes and grabs the player and",
"takes it out the back to see if its repairable",
"but alas it was not. it was fried... so he had to",
"give one of the dvd players we stock to the",
"customer for free and i had to pay for it. $60",
"aud ... not super bad but i felt like shit...",
"edit: i have been trained correctly but",
"accidentally made a mistake.. also i didn't have",
"to pay. i wanted to because i felt like shit"
] |
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new car adapter for her portable dvd player, i pins) around the wrong way. (it was a universal
|
7 | 11 | 0.72 | 7 |
so i'm in high school and i have one online class. we're allowed to turn in stuff for late credit in this class. last semester i swapped a few assignments with two other students for assignments that i was missing, and that worked out pretty nicely. this semester coincided with ap testing (really important tests fyi) so the two other students didn't do hw for this class for a while, missing a lot of assignments, figuring they could get late credit for a certain amount of assignments and still get an a or b. so here i am, sitting at a sold 94 in the class, needing ~6 assignments done before the end of the semester and i asked them if they had any to swap. well, they didn't, so i decided to be nice and share them my entire google folder with all of mine for this quarter so they could get caught up, and then finish the last few that i was missing for me. perfect!! right?? hell no. one of them was a stupid dumbass. not only did she not give me any assignments in return, she also didn't change a single word when she submitted the assignments that were mine. duh, we were caught. so i got a zero for every assignment that the teacher found plagiarized, and am now barely hanging on to a b, just because one bitch couldn't find the effort or the decency to switch words around.
update: she actually got more zeros than me. turns out she copied other people's too. and the teacher knows that the documents are mine bc i submitted them 3 weeks before the girl did.
update: not saying that i didn't deserve punishment!! what i did was wrong and it could have been much much worse. that's why its *my* fk up! (but we wouldn't have gotten caught if it wasn't for her...)
|
gave some girl my assignments, she didn't change a word before submitting them, now i'm a cheater and my grade is dead
|
being generous with my hw
|
[
"so i'm in high school and i have one online class.",
"we're allowed to turn in stuff for late credit in",
"this class. last semester i swapped a few",
"assignments with two other students for",
"assignments that i was missing, and that worked",
"out pretty nicely. this semester coincided with",
"ap testing (really important tests fyi) so the",
"two other students didn't do hw for this class",
"for a while, missing a lot of assignments,",
"figuring they could get late credit for a certain",
"amount of assignments and still get an a or b. so",
"here i am, sitting at a sold 94 in the class,",
"needing ~6 assignments done before the end of the",
"semester and i asked them if they had any to",
"swap. well, they didn't, so i decided to be nice",
"and share them my entire google folder with all",
"of mine for this quarter so they could get caught",
"up, and then finish the last few that i was",
"missing for me. perfect!! right?? hell no. one of",
"them was a stupid dumbass. not only did she not",
"give me any assignments in return, she also",
"didn't change a single word when she submitted",
"the assignments that were mine. duh, we were",
"caught. so i got a zero for every assignment that",
"the teacher found plagiarized, and am now barely",
"hanging on to a b, just because one bitch",
"couldn't find the effort or the decency to switch",
"words around.",
"update: she actually got more zeros than me.",
"turns out she copied other people's too. and the",
"teacher knows that the documents are mine bc i",
"submitted them 3 weeks before the girl did.",
"update: not saying that i didn't deserve",
"punishment!! what i did was wrong and it could",
"have been much much worse. that's why its *my* fk",
"up! (but we wouldn't have gotten caught if it",
"wasn't for her...)"
] |
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] |
didn't change a single word when she submitted submitted them 3 weeks before the girl did.
|
4 | 5 | 0.64 | 4 |
never thought i would end up here but well here i am this happened exactly 5 minutes ago i was feeling rather frisky so me being the genius i ain't started browsing gonewild on my iphone and i was building up to the biggest climax of my life like i was being jerked off by mother nature herself of course this is where the fuck up occurs i slowly turned over and blast my waterhose of an orgasm all over the iphone it turned off right away speaker cracking away as it slowly dies rip gone but not forgotten
|
shot cannon orgasm over phone by mistake phone commits suicide
|
breaking my iphone
|
[
"never thought i would end up here but well here i",
"am this happened exactly 5 minutes ago i was",
"feeling rather frisky so me being the genius i",
"ain't started browsing gonewild on my iphone and",
"i was building up to the biggest climax of my",
"life like i was being jerked off by mother nature",
"herself of course this is where the fuck up",
"occurs i slowly turned over and blast my",
"waterhose of an orgasm all over the iphone it",
"turned off right away speaker cracking away as it",
"slowly dies rip gone but not forgotten"
] |
[
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waterhose of an orgasm all over the iphone it
|
0 | 5 | 0.5 | 0 |
so, obligatory "not today," but about five years ago, i was driving home from my high school job as a bag boy at the local grocery store when i decided to stop by the nearest taco bell to grab some tasty eats. after loading up on the deliciousness that is the beefy five-layer burrito and a cup of baja blast, i proceeded to take the long way home through the boondocks. i was about mid-way through my drive when i decided that it would be a shrewd idea to put some tunes on - and that's where i fucked up. with a burrito firmly grasped in one hand and the radio dial in the other, i had no time whatsoever to avoid hitting the deer that had jumped out in front of my car. there was a mighty bang and the deer rolled up over the hood of my car and into the middle of the road; my burrito flew from my hands and into my lap. after seventeen-year-old me had calmed down from the shock of the accident, i checked to see if the deer was alive (it wasn't) and promptly pulled into the nearest gas station to inspect my car. with my head hung in shame and my jeans covered in burrito, i stepped out of the car to examine the damage. my front fender was completely mangled and though i didn't immediately notice it, my radiator had been punctured and all of the coolant leaked out, leading to a five hundred dollar repair bill. to add a final cosmically strange twist to the whole situation, on the way back home, i passed a large lifted truck filled with about four good ole' boys and carrying the body of the recently deceased deer which i had hit.
|
young and stupid me decides to drive hands-free while eating a burrito and playing with the radio. promptly proceeds to hit deer and rack up a $500 repair bill. rednecks retrieve deer from center of road presumably in order to eat it.
|
driving with a burrito in one hand and the radio dial in the other
|
[
"so, obligatory \"not today,\" but about five years",
"ago, i was driving home from my high school job",
"as a bag boy at the local grocery store when i",
"decided to stop by the nearest taco bell to grab",
"some tasty eats. after loading up on the",
"deliciousness that is the beefy five-layer",
"burrito and a cup of baja blast, i proceeded to",
"take the long way home through the boondocks. i",
"was about mid-way through my drive when i decided",
"that it would be a shrewd idea to put some tunes",
"on - and that's where i fucked up. with a",
"burrito firmly grasped in one hand and the radio",
"dial in the other, i had no time whatsoever to",
"avoid hitting the deer that had jumped out in",
"front of my car. there was a mighty bang and the",
"deer rolled up over the hood of my car and into",
"the middle of the road; my burrito flew from my",
"hands and into my lap. after seventeen-year-old",
"me had calmed down from the shock of the",
"accident, i checked to see if the deer was alive",
"(it wasn't) and promptly pulled into the nearest",
"gas station to inspect my car. with my head hung",
"in shame and my jeans covered in burrito, i",
"stepped out of the car to examine the damage. my",
"front fender was completely mangled and though i",
"didn't immediately notice it, my radiator had",
"been punctured and all of the coolant leaked out,",
"leading to a five hundred dollar repair bill. to",
"add a final cosmically strange twist to the whole",
"situation, on the way back home, i passed a large",
"lifted truck filled with about four good ole'",
"boys and carrying the body of the recently",
"deceased deer which i had hit."
] |
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burrito firmly grasped in one hand and the radio me had calmed down from the shock of the (it wasn't) and promptly pulled into the nearest leading to a five hundred dollar repair bill. to deceased deer which i had hit.
|
0 | 4 | 0.38 | 0 |
god help meh soul
so i'm paranoid because i keep having weird af dreams involving my gf dying. so after one of these dreams one morning, i watch the first episode of supernatural. holy balls that fucked me up so hardcore even people who manage to play flight simulators without joysticks will never even scratch this hardcore level. i've been having that same fucking dream sam had for a few episodes after his surprisingly hot gf died. same type of fucking dream but with my girlfriend of course. well, it's either that, no dreams (pls, me gusta), or my girlfriend, god forbid anyone else, dying in a car wreck. so after i see that episode i text her and she's ok n shit. then she has to go drop off this little boy who she babysits at her place. 6 fucking hours go by, no word. i've texted her like twice and that's to no avail. holy balls am i fucking ahhhhh!!!! ok ignore that. so paranoid and anxious. not good. so i begin to freak out and was about to call her fucking sister to see if she was ok when she texts me saying "yeah sorry, had a lady's night with my fam!" i'm just like "fuck." god help me! this anxiety isn't going away! oh and i've managed to worry the hell out of her and my family for that matter!
tl;dr? i fucked a goat
|
? i'm flipping out over literally nothing and having anxiety attacks up the ass too....fml. god damn it! this is all true fyi.....i'll update tomorrow morning around 9:00 gmt (denver time zone)
|
watching supernatural while i was super paranoid and while my gf kinda spaced out on texting back.....i'm a bitch sometimes i swear
|
[
"god help meh soul",
"so i'm paranoid because i keep having weird af",
"dreams involving my gf dying. so after one of",
"these dreams one morning, i watch the first",
"episode of supernatural. holy balls that fucked",
"me up so hardcore even people who manage to play",
"flight simulators without joysticks will never",
"even scratch this hardcore level. i've been",
"having that same fucking dream sam had for a few",
"episodes after his surprisingly hot gf died. same",
"type of fucking dream but with my girlfriend of",
"course. well, it's either that, no dreams (pls,",
"me gusta), or my girlfriend, god forbid anyone",
"else, dying in a car wreck. so after i see that",
"episode i text her and she's ok n shit. then she",
"has to go drop off this little boy who she",
"babysits at her place. 6 fucking hours go by, no",
"word. i've texted her like twice and that's to no",
"avail. holy balls am i fucking ahhhhh!!!! ok",
"ignore that. so paranoid and anxious. not good.",
"so i begin to freak out and was about to call her",
"fucking sister to see if she was ok when she",
"texts me saying \"yeah sorry, had a lady's night",
"with my fam!\" i'm just like \"fuck.\" god help me!",
"this anxiety isn't going away! oh and i've",
"managed to worry the hell out of her and my",
"family for that matter!",
"tl;dr? i fucked a goat"
] |
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god help meh soul so i'm paranoid because i keep having weird af these dreams one morning, i watch the first this anxiety isn't going away! oh and i've
|
8 | 1 | 0.91 | 8 |
hey reddit,
i love this sub and though i have yet to post, today has to be the first.
starts off well, i have plans to see a couple of buddies about a 45min walk from my place, however i opted to grab my road bike from grandmother's place (left behind after too much riesling) to speed up travel. of course, the tires are deflated by now and without the damned insert, no hope for my night ride. so i said fuck it, i'll walk.
i make it there, and host-broski is sick to the next level; stomach bug of some kind. he's not doing well, and other broski didn't come over because of that. great.
so i dip, head home with a bottle of jagger and some chips (sorry, i'll buy another bag for you guys). i make it about 1/3rd of the way back when i decide to take a detour to grab some water. no need for me to go all this way south, but hey a man was thirsty.
i get to the store, grab some evian (fuckin 1l yeahh) and hope for a streetcar to ease my back pain from the crappy-strapped backpack i had on.
waiting at the corner of two main streets, i see an older dude about 50 in casual clothes standing a little wavy at the edge of the sidewalk. next to him, is his idk probably girlfriend but why would anyone date a meaner jabba the hut, i have no idea.
she's getting mean.
she's really big, probably 250 in-change and she's wearing some kind of safety vest. god knows why, there's no way she works for a reputable company. she's saying something along the lines of "you're fucked now bud, i'm following you everywhere you go." other shit too. just mean as fuck and getting in his face. like really close and really mean, and wow the dude is maybe half her mass/size.
he's really timid, and the 'fuck off, man' attitude he had towards her is by now long gone. she won't stop stalking his every move, and she keeps getting angrier. scene is about 10 at night, store light (fluorescent, fuckin' probably 5000k and bright af) shining on us, with about 4 other people within 10 meters.
i had to do something, but with my bad back and also timid personality, really didn't want to cause any shit. alas, i'm a defensive fool and i walked right up to them.
i say calmly to him "hey man, are you alright?". course, they're both drunk and this confused the crap out of them. she's wasted on something else too.
she says with wide eyes and a deeper, more commanding tone "no that's okay, let us handle our personal matters" and i'm a little taken aback to how elegantly she had told me to fuck right off. but i persist.
"no i didn't ask you, i was asking him (my lit-cigarette pointed at him)." he mutters something soft and i can't hear him.
she's not happy with this. she takes a step forward, closer to me than i liked.
"alright, well you're a little too aggressive and that's making me uncomfortable. we're all friendly people here (i gesture towards the 4 other people who have glared at us the whole time, but have backed off significantly). you let me know if you need me."
i stroll over to my bag, grab another smoke for the homeless dude in front of the store (and myself obiv).
funny enough, she calms down. they talk softly for some time, and everyone slides back into their waiting positions.
but there's one guy who wanted to say something to them, i could tell, but he might have been soft idk. i do know that he is a bro.
see, after my little exchange with meaner jabba the hut and the timid guy, this other bro is talking to the prettiest girl i had the pleasure to see. i turn away because i'm again, also timid, but this bro says something like 'he's really sweet.. talked to them.. looking out.. pretty cute, too' and my heart is like yo. get on this man, he's breaking the ice for you.
but.
she crosses the street.
fuck.
**edit i have to deal with this formatting when i wake up**
|
i met jabba the hut, but not the girl.
|
keeping a dude safe, and not meeting the really pretty girl
|
[
"hey reddit,",
"i love this sub and though i have yet to post,",
"today has to be the first.",
"starts off well, i have plans to see a couple of",
"buddies about a 45min walk from my place, however",
"i opted to grab my road bike from grandmother's",
"place (left behind after too much riesling) to",
"speed up travel. of course, the tires are",
"deflated by now and without the damned insert, no",
"hope for my night ride. so i said fuck it, i'll",
"walk.",
"i make it there, and host-broski is sick to the",
"next level; stomach bug of some kind. he's not",
"doing well, and other broski didn't come over",
"because of that. great.",
"so i dip, head home with a bottle of jagger and",
"some chips (sorry, i'll buy another bag for you",
"guys). i make it about 1/3rd of the way back when",
"i decide to take a detour to grab some water. no",
"need for me to go all this way south, but hey a",
"man was thirsty.",
"i get to the store, grab some evian (fuckin 1l",
"yeahh) and hope for a streetcar to ease my back",
"pain from the crappy-strapped backpack i had on.",
"waiting at the corner of two main streets, i see",
"an older dude about 50 in casual clothes standing",
"a little wavy at the edge of the sidewalk. next",
"to him, is his idk probably girlfriend but why",
"would anyone date a meaner jabba the hut, i have",
"no idea.",
"she's getting mean.",
"she's really big, probably 250 in-change and",
"she's wearing some kind of safety vest. god knows",
"why, there's no way she works for a reputable",
"company. she's saying something along the lines",
"of \"you're fucked now bud, i'm following you",
"everywhere you go.\" other shit too. just mean as",
"fuck and getting in his face. like really close",
"and really mean, and wow the dude is maybe half",
"her mass/size.",
"he's really timid, and the 'fuck off, man'",
"attitude he had towards her is by now long gone.",
"she won't stop stalking his every move, and she",
"keeps getting angrier. scene is about 10 at",
"night, store light (fluorescent, fuckin' probably",
"5000k and bright af) shining on us, with about 4",
"other people within 10 meters.",
"i had to do something, but with my bad back and",
"also timid personality, really didn't want to",
"cause any shit. alas, i'm a defensive fool and i",
"walked right up to them.",
"i say calmly to him \"hey man, are you alright?\".",
"course, they're both drunk and this confused the",
"crap out of them. she's wasted on something else",
"too.",
"she says with wide eyes and a deeper, more",
"commanding tone \"no that's okay, let us handle",
"our personal matters\" and i'm a little taken",
"aback to how elegantly she had told me to fuck",
"right off. but i persist.",
"\"no i didn't ask you, i was asking him (my",
"lit-cigarette pointed at him).\" he mutters",
"something soft and i can't hear him.",
"she's not happy with this. she takes a step",
"forward, closer to me than i liked.",
"\"alright, well you're a little too aggressive and",
"that's making me uncomfortable. we're all",
"friendly people here (i gesture towards the 4",
"other people who have glared at us the whole",
"time, but have backed off significantly). you let",
"me know if you need me.\"",
"i stroll over to my bag, grab another smoke for",
"the homeless dude in front of the store (and",
"myself obiv).",
"funny enough, she calms down. they talk softly",
"for some time, and everyone slides back into",
"their waiting positions.",
"but there's one guy who wanted to say something",
"to them, i could tell, but he might have been",
"soft idk. i do know that he is a bro.",
"see, after my little exchange with meaner jabba",
"the hut and the timid guy, this other bro is",
"talking to the prettiest girl i had the pleasure",
"to see. i turn away because i'm again, also",
"timid, but this bro says something like 'he's",
"really sweet.. talked to them.. looking out..",
"pretty cute, too' and my heart is like yo. get on",
"this man, he's breaking the ice for you.",
"but. \n\nshe crosses the street. \n\n \n\n\nfuck.",
"**edit i have to deal with this formatting when i",
"wake up**"
] |
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would anyone date a meaner jabba the hut, i have
|
7 | 2 | 0.88 | 7 |
today my parents were installing a tv in their room and needed a flashlight to see where all the wiring was. so my dad sent me to look in his truck because he has a bunch of random tools and flashlights there. so i go to look but couldn't find it on the dashboard. so naturally i started checking underneath the seats. and that's when i touched it. a small peace of plastic wrapping. thinking it was a set of flashlights or batteries, i pulled it out. it was a vibrator, in pre opened packaging...
|
i found a toy belonging to my dad
|
looking for a flashlight
|
[
"today my parents were installing a tv in their",
"room and needed a flashlight to see where all the",
"wiring was. so my dad sent me to look in his",
"truck because he has a bunch of random tools and",
"flashlights there. so i go to look but couldn't",
"find it on the dashboard. so naturally i started",
"checking underneath the seats. and that's when i",
"touched it. a small peace of plastic wrapping.",
"thinking it was a set of flashlights or",
"batteries, i pulled it out. it was a vibrator, in",
"pre opened packaging..."
] |
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wiring was. so my dad sent me to look in his
|
29 | 9 | 0.9 | 29 |
so a bit of background before i talk about my crime against humanity. i'm known to have somewhat a strong stomach, however, this day my breakfast was extra oily so the poop was a lot harder to hold in.
this happened a few months ago yet everytime i go to the beach i remember it and cringe.
my mother is one of those health freaks so jogging near the beach wasn't out of the ordinary. the problem came when i felt my anus tighten thus sending signal to my brain letting me know that finding a bathroom was top priority. as i rushed to the nearest facility, some other worldly force took control of my sphincter and forced my anus open. let me tell you, the amount of shit that came out of me would make any grown man cry in shame.
but i knew the fight wasn't over. i waddled over to the emptiest part of the beach and opened the flood gates that were my butt cheeks. what came out was this neon orange soft serve like substance. in fact, to this day i have no idea what caused that color. if by the gods, i found an available restroom with only one stall.
as i took off my soiled shorts, i saw this tennis ball sized nugget of shit in my boxer briefs. in order to properly clean myself i had to rid myself of said shit nugget. in my panic i thought the best way to rid myself of the nugget was to use my boxers as a sling shot and fire the piece of shit into the toilet.
after cleaning myself up, i still had to get rid of my shit covered boxer briefs. as any normal person would do, i attempted to flush my underwear down the only toilet. as you can expect, it clogged.
at this moment, i just said "fuck it" and walked away from the clogged toilet. this is where it gets worse. right after i left, this asian family walked into the same restroom with their son, no older than 7, holding his butt as if to stop himself from shitting his pants. this was when i heard the shocked scream from the mother. right when i heard this, i bolted off, never looking back.
|
food too oily, anus not strong enough, asian boy needs therapy.
|
i pooped myself and traumatized a little asian boy.
|
[
"so a bit of background before i talk about my",
"crime against humanity. i'm known to have",
"somewhat a strong stomach, however, this day my",
"breakfast was extra oily so the poop was a lot",
"harder to hold in.\r\rthis happened a few months",
"ago yet everytime i go to the beach i remember it",
"and cringe. \r\rmy mother is one of those health",
"freaks so jogging near the beach wasn't out of",
"the ordinary. the problem came when i felt my",
"anus tighten thus sending signal to my brain",
"letting me know that finding a bathroom was top",
"priority. as i rushed to the nearest facility,",
"some other worldly force took control of my",
"sphincter and forced my anus open. let me tell",
"you, the amount of shit that came out of me would",
"make any grown man cry in shame. \r\rbut i knew the",
"fight wasn't over. i waddled over to the emptiest",
"part of the beach and opened the flood gates that",
"were my butt cheeks. what came out was this neon",
"orange soft serve like substance. in fact, to",
"this day i have no idea what caused that color.",
"if by the gods, i found an available restroom",
"with only one stall. \r\ras i took off my soiled",
"shorts, i saw this tennis ball sized nugget of",
"shit in my boxer briefs. in order to properly",
"clean myself i had to rid myself of said shit",
"nugget. in my panic i thought the best way to rid",
"myself of the nugget was to use my boxers as a",
"sling shot and fire the piece of shit into the",
"toilet. \r\rafter cleaning myself up, i still had",
"to get rid of my shit covered boxer briefs. as",
"any normal person would do, i attempted to flush",
"my underwear down the only toilet. as you can",
"expect, it clogged. \r\rat this moment, i just said",
"\"fuck it\" and walked away from the clogged",
"toilet. this is where it gets worse. right after",
"i left, this asian family walked into the same",
"restroom with their son, no older than 7, holding",
"his butt as if to stop himself from shitting his",
"pants. this was when i heard the shocked scream",
"from the mother. right when i heard this, i",
"bolted off, never looking back."
] |
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somewhat a strong stomach, however, this day my anus tighten thus sending signal to my brain
|
6 | 9 | 0.87 | 6 |
sadly this was not today, but 11 months ago. i was reminded about it by dislocating my shoulder attempting to grab onto something.
flashback 11 months ago, i had just gotten back from a trip to washington dc where i had met a pretty cool girl, who happened to be somewhat attracted to me, just like i was to her. we lived 2 hours apart so we didn't want to date, however, dirty texting seemed perfectly fine to us. it was decided that i would drive up to her place (she has a condition not allowing her to drive), and we would hang out for the day. it started pretty innocently, playing a bit of video games, her asking me to "show my skills" on guitar, but, well, we got mildly horny.
so we started to make and eventually things started to get heavier. welcome to fuck-up #1. i was using one arm to hold our body weight. which is bad as i have multi-directional shoulder instability in both shoulders. with her kinda around my neck and one arm, my left arm holding us, well, i dislocated my shoulder. ouch. she popped it back in but we regressed to just making out for around another 45 minutes. things get heavy again, and we are starting to, ya know, do the frick frack, and she hears her grandmother arrive. we scramble to get clothed, and we arrive at fuck-up #2. we rush downstairs to avoid suspicion, at which point i fall down her stairs ([kinda like this, except the stairs are smaller, steeper, and have a turn.](http://i.imgur.com/hjd6d9u.png)), dislocating my shoulder again, landing about 10 feet in front of her grandmother.
at this point, i'm tired, blue-balled, and in a fair amount of pain, all while making small talk with a 60 year-old woman.
after i left things cooled down between us, but we are still pretty good friends.
|
got more or less laid, dislocated my shoulder twice, got blue-balled, made small talk with a granny.
|
hooking up with a girl
|
[
"sadly this was not today, but 11 months ago. i was",
"reminded about it by dislocating my shoulder",
"attempting to grab onto something.",
"flashback 11 months ago, i had just gotten back",
"from a trip to washington dc where i had met a",
"pretty cool girl, who happened to be somewhat",
"attracted to me, just like i was to her. we lived",
"2 hours apart so we didn't want to date, however,",
"dirty texting seemed perfectly fine to us. it was",
"decided that i would drive up to her place (she",
"has a condition not allowing her to drive), and",
"we would hang out for the day. it started pretty",
"innocently, playing a bit of video games, her",
"asking me to \"show my skills\" on guitar, but,",
"well, we got mildly horny.",
"so we started to make and eventually things",
"started to get heavier. welcome to fuck-up #1. i",
"was using one arm to hold our body weight. which",
"is bad as i have multi-directional shoulder",
"instability in both shoulders. with her kinda",
"around my neck and one arm, my left arm holding",
"us, well, i dislocated my shoulder. ouch. she",
"popped it back in but we regressed to just making",
"out for around another 45 minutes. things get",
"heavy again, and we are starting to, ya know, do",
"the frick frack, and she hears her grandmother",
"arrive. we scramble to get clothed, and we arrive",
"at fuck-up #2. we rush downstairs to avoid",
"suspicion, at which point i fall down her stairs",
"([kinda like this, except the stairs are smaller,",
"steeper, and have a",
"turn.](http://i.imgur.com/hjd6d9u.png)),",
"dislocating my shoulder again, landing about 10",
"feet in front of her grandmother.",
"at this point, i'm tired, blue-balled, and in a",
"fair amount of pain, all while making small talk",
"with a 60 year-old woman.",
"after i left things cooled down between us, but",
"we are still pretty good friends."
] |
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us, well, i dislocated my shoulder. ouch. she fair amount of pain, all while making small talk with a 60 year-old woman.
|
7 | 5 | 1 | 7 |
this happened years ago when i was still in middle school. some background info: my school was (and is still currently, although i dont attend there anymore) a charter school in that had a dress code, and put intelligence higher than everything else. we technically had a soccer team, but we lost literally every game in every season. i was that kid who was slightly funny and intelligent, but suffered from a severe lack of social experience as a result of being an only child and a computer geek. i was the annoying white kid who smelled a little and was generally unpleasant to speak to. this lack of social experience made me appear annoying and bratty, as i never really knew where to break the line when i was making shitty jokes. i also was completely ignorant of this at the time, and thought i was "popular". looking back, that's far from the truth. i tell you this to magnify the feeling i felt when *it* happened.
anyhow, we'll say in 7th grade, there was a bulletin post about a spelling bee for the school that would be taking place in a few weeks. i was hyped; i always got good grades on spelling tests (or something, i forget if they gave us spelling tests at that age) and was generally pretty literate, having already read hundreds of books by that time. i signed up, thinking i would at least make it to the final rounds. i had no worries. i could spell like a bloody magic man.
i was wrong.
on the day of the spelling bee, a few really bad things happened. first, the overhead speaker was botched, so we only got morning announcements half of the time. the other time it would just stay silent with nobody knowing better. 11:00am rolls around, and the teacher announces to the class that it's time to pack up your things and head for the auditorium where the spelling bee would be hosted. with a confused look on my face, admittance from the teacher, and a trail of laughing assholes, i bolted from the room and got to the backstage auditorium as fast as my legs would carry me. luckily i was just in time, because apparently the contestants were being seated, so i didn't stand out too much.
we were given these bib things that had numbers on them. there were a few people in my grade that were participating in the spelling bee, one of which i was head over heels for. she was really smart, but the feeling wasn't mutual (please see top of the post). i'm sitting in the middle of the stage, in the middle row, so i was decently surrounded on all sides by people. the only problem was that at that age, i was a boastful bastard, and promised all of the younger contestants that i would *probably do better than they did*, or that they *didn't stand a chance against my superior mind*. i was probably the most unsportsmanlike person in that entire room full of 400 people that i interacted with every day. i sounded like a total asshole.
before i go on, i would like to mention that i have crippling stage fright, which i have since overcome. it was really abnormally bad stuff too, like i cant control my vision in front of 10 people sort of bad (among other things). also keep in mind there were about 400 people; all of whom were in and below my grade.
i wasn't the first contestant, but when i stepped up, i could no longer balance on my feet. my peripheral vision was absent, and i tunnel-visioned on the judge. i started to wheeze, all while unknowingly broadcasting this through the microphone i was holding right up to my mouth. the judge, we'll call him mr. sprinkle, asks me to spell the word االلغة الإنجليزية هي صعبة حقا, which i later learned was "ball". in my state of stage-paralysis, i had no fucking clue what the man was saying. i thought i heard "fall", but i wasn't sure. i asked for the definition of the word, to which i remember him replying "أنا المجمدة على خشبة المسرح cultural شيء أو غيرها in sports". i didn't really hear that either. i promptly spell the word "fall" in a slurred speech, while tilting side to side, gripping the microphone with my white knuckles. i sit down finally, and everything returns to normal. i get a few grunts from my other competitors, thinking them to be something along the lines of "good job".
round one ends. i'm the only contestant called off the stage in front of 400 people, the girl that i adore, all of my friends, my parents, and the younger kids i had just near-insulted. walking off the stage with not a sound in the rest of the room, i sit down, only to be provoked that i still have that number strewn across my neck. still in complete silence, mr. sprinkle holds out his hand, and i hand him my number, and go back to sit down. the rest of the day was kind of depressing.
|
i thought i was cream of the crop, proceeded to impolitely boast at others for my amazing intelligence, lost the first round of the spelling bee
|
being the oldest in history to fail the first round of a spelling bee
|
[
"this happened years ago when i was still in middle",
"school. some background info: my school was (and",
"is still currently, although i dont attend there",
"anymore) a charter school in that had a dress",
"code, and put intelligence higher than everything",
"else. we technically had a soccer team, but we",
"lost literally every game in every season. i was",
"that kid who was slightly funny and intelligent,",
"but suffered from a severe lack of social",
"experience as a result of being an only child and",
"a computer geek. i was the annoying white kid who",
"smelled a little and was generally unpleasant to",
"speak to. this lack of social experience made me",
"appear annoying and bratty, as i never really",
"knew where to break the line when i was making",
"shitty jokes. i also was completely ignorant of",
"this at the time, and thought i was \"popular\".",
"looking back, that's far from the truth. i tell",
"you this to magnify the feeling i felt when *it*",
"happened.",
"anyhow, we'll say in 7th grade, there was a",
"bulletin post about a spelling bee for the school",
"that would be taking place in a few weeks. i was",
"hyped; i always got good grades on spelling tests",
"(or something, i forget if they gave us spelling",
"tests at that age) and was generally pretty",
"literate, having already read hundreds of books",
"by that time. i signed up, thinking i would at",
"least make it to the final rounds. i had no",
"worries. i could spell like a bloody magic man.",
"i was wrong.",
"on the day of the spelling bee, a few really bad",
"things happened. first, the overhead speaker was",
"botched, so we only got morning announcements",
"half of the time. the other time it would just",
"stay silent with nobody knowing better. 11:00am",
"rolls around, and the teacher announces to the",
"class that it's time to pack up your things and",
"head for the auditorium where the spelling bee",
"would be hosted. with a confused look on my face,",
"admittance from the teacher, and a trail of",
"laughing assholes, i bolted from the room and got",
"to the backstage auditorium as fast as my legs",
"would carry me. luckily i was just in time,",
"because apparently the contestants were being",
"seated, so i didn't stand out too much.",
"we were given these bib things that had numbers",
"on them. there were a few people in my grade that",
"were participating in the spelling bee, one of",
"which i was head over heels for. she was really",
"smart, but the feeling wasn't mutual (please see",
"top of the post). i'm sitting in the middle of",
"the stage, in the middle row, so i was decently",
"surrounded on all sides by people. the only",
"problem was that at that age, i was a boastful",
"bastard, and promised all of the younger",
"contestants that i would *probably do better than",
"they did*, or that they *didn't stand a chance",
"against my superior mind*. i was probably the",
"most unsportsmanlike person in that entire room",
"full of 400 people that i interacted with every",
"day. i sounded like a total asshole.",
"before i go on, i would like to mention that i",
"have crippling stage fright, which i have since",
"overcome. it was really abnormally bad stuff too,",
"like i cant control my vision in front of 10",
"people sort of bad (among other things). also",
"keep in mind there were about 400 people; all of",
"whom were in and below my grade.",
"i wasn't the first contestant, but when i stepped",
"up, i could no longer balance on my feet. my",
"peripheral vision was absent, and i",
"tunnel-visioned on the judge. i started to",
"wheeze, all while unknowingly broadcasting this",
"through the microphone i was holding right up to",
"my mouth. the judge, we'll call him mr. sprinkle,",
"asks me to spell the word االلغة الإنجليزية هي",
"صعبة حقا, which i later learned was \"ball\". in my",
"state of stage-paralysis, i had no fucking clue",
"what the man was saying. i thought i heard",
"\"fall\", but i wasn't sure. i asked for the",
"definition of the word, to which i remember him",
"replying \"أنا المجمدة على خشبة المسرح cultural",
"شيء أو غيرها in sports\". i didn't really hear",
"that either. i promptly spell the word \"fall\" in",
"a slurred speech, while tilting side to side,",
"gripping the microphone with my white knuckles. i",
"sit down finally, and everything returns to",
"normal. i get a few grunts from my other",
"competitors, thinking them to be something along",
"the lines of \"good job\".",
"round one ends. i'm the only contestant called",
"off the stage in front of 400 people, the girl",
"that i adore, all of my friends, my parents, and",
"the younger kids i had just near-insulted.",
"walking off the stage with not a sound in the",
"rest of the room, i sit down, only to be provoked",
"that i still have that number strewn across my",
"neck. still in complete silence, mr. sprinkle",
"holds out his hand, and i hand him my number, and",
"go back to sit down. the rest of the day was kind",
"of depressing."
] |
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this at the time, and thought i was "popular". head for the auditorium where the spelling bee definition of the word, to which i remember him
|
8 | 1 | 0.83 | 8 |
this literally just happened.
my boyfriend and i are in a long-distance relationship, so we often have sexy time over skype. i was in the middle of describing an amazing blowjob when i heard him sniffle. i stopped and asked him if he needed to blow his nose. as he struggled to say my name, i realized he was just now finishing. so, he came to the sound of me asking if he needed to blow his nose. thankfully, he has a good sense of humor.
|
blow job > blowing nose
|
ruining skype sex
|
[
"this literally just happened.",
"my boyfriend and i are in a long-distance",
"relationship, so we often have sexy time over",
"skype. i was in the middle of describing an",
"amazing blowjob when i heard him sniffle. i",
"stopped and asked him if he needed to blow his",
"nose. as he struggled to say my name, i realized",
"he was just now finishing. so, he came to the",
"sound of me asking if he needed to blow his nose.",
"thankfully, he has a good sense of humor."
] |
[
0,
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sound of me asking if he needed to blow his nose.
|
2 | 3 | 1 | 2 |
fyi, i hate wearing glasses. all day everyday. but i learned today why i should.
first let me give you the beginning before we get to the point.
i moved to another zipcode almost a year now and because my daughter of 7 still wanted to end her schoolyear on her ol school before going to a new school in the neigbourhood. i said yess. here is where it starts. because i do everything with a bicycle, i would bring her every morning and pick her up every afternoon. but the fastest way to get to her school i have discovered short cuts between houses. there is this neigbourhood where my short cut runs through. and i dont know why, but they put up posters up on de door to their garage. and i've been seeing this particular poster hanging of 2pac holding a white baby. for months i've been trying to figure this out. like why is 2pac holding a white baby. everytime i passes the poster i reminisced about the good old days and trying to find out what the purpose was of the white baby in his hand. untill today. today i had my glasses on. when i picked my daughter up from school, i took as always the same shortcut through this neigbourhood. i wish i wouldn't. when i passed this particular house with 2pac holding a white baby, as always i looked at the poster like it was a common friend but this time the poster felt like a stranger. instead of 2pac, i saw a big, black, bald, big ass muscles man holding a white baby. so all this time i thought it was 2pac. and telling my daughter what a good rapper he was. she'll forever think 2pac is a big, black, bald, big ass muscles man who likes to hold white babies.
|
for months i thought i saw 2pac holding a white baby but it was a big, black, big ass muscles man holding a white baby.
|
because i don't wear my glasses enough.
|
[
"fyi, i hate wearing glasses. all day everyday. but",
"i learned today why i should.",
"first let me give you the beginning before we get",
"to the point.",
"i moved to another zipcode almost a year now and",
"because my daughter of 7 still wanted to end her",
"schoolyear on her ol school before going to a new",
"school in the neigbourhood. i said yess. here is",
"where it starts. because i do everything with a",
"bicycle, i would bring her every morning and pick",
"her up every afternoon. but the fastest way to",
"get to her school i have discovered short cuts",
"between houses. there is this neigbourhood where",
"my short cut runs through. and i dont know why,",
"but they put up posters up on de door to their",
"garage. and i've been seeing this particular",
"poster hanging of 2pac holding a white baby. for",
"months i've been trying to figure this out. like",
"why is 2pac holding a white baby. everytime i",
"passes the poster i reminisced about the good old",
"days and trying to find out what the purpose was",
"of the white baby in his hand. untill today.",
"today i had my glasses on. when i picked my",
"daughter up from school, i took as always the",
"same shortcut through this neigbourhood. i wish i",
"wouldn't. when i passed this particular house",
"with 2pac holding a white baby, as always i",
"looked at the poster like it was a common friend",
"but this time the poster felt like a stranger.",
"instead of 2pac, i saw a big, black, bald, big",
"ass muscles man holding a white baby. so all this",
"time i thought it was 2pac. and telling my",
"daughter what a good rapper he was. she'll",
"forever think 2pac is a big, black, bald, big ass",
"muscles man who likes to hold white babies."
] |
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] |
instead of 2pac, i saw a big, black, bald, big ass muscles man holding a white baby. so all this time i thought it was 2pac. and telling my
|
6 | 8 | 0.8 | 6 |
so like most posts here, this did not happen today, but on friday - its now sunday. so a little back story (not that far back, only a couple hours) me and my friends were playing a game called [what are the odds](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=what+are+the+odds) and i lost odds to go in front of someone on the street, and start singing the national anthem, while taking off my pants. i really didn't want to do that, for obvious reasons, so my friend suggested that if he changed my iphone passcode, and i could get it, i didn't have to do it. note - i am jailbroken, or was and i had a cydia tweak so when i press both volume rockers, it would unlock my phone. so naturally, i said yes. he changes my passcode, and gives me my phone. i try pressing both volume rockers, but it doesn't work. i try the passcode a few times, but can't get it. i hand my friend my phone, and tell him i can't get in. he takes my phone, and try's to put in the passcode, but i guess forgot it, because he couldn't get in either.
so a few hours later, after we've given up all hope on figuring out the passcode for my phone, so i resort to using siri to contact people. i realise that my battery is a little low, and so i fully power off my phone. i'm ready to go home, so i'm on the streetcar, on the way home, ready for the fate, which is needing to factory restore my phone, which means upgrading to the dreaded ios 8.3 (i can't downgrade because apple stopped signing ios 8.2) so i get of the streetcar, and remember to remind my mom that i will be home soon, so i pull out my phone and open siri. now remember how i powered off my phone? well apperantly siri doesn't work if you have fully powered off, then powered on, until you unlock your phone. so it gives me a message saying that i can't use siri until i unlock my phone, so i call siri a stupid hoe. at that exact same time, an oldish lady told me that the light has changed to green, and right after i said something like "shut up you stupid hoe!" now i was talking to siri, but i now see how it was very easy to see that i may have been talking to her, as i was talking through those earbuds with microphones. i get the dirtiest look you could ever imagine, and a lecture as to why i shouldn't know words like that at such a young age, and that i am a very insensitive persone, etc. i am still laughing about it now.
p.s, i didn't have to sing the national anthem while stripping.
|
forgot phone passcode, got shit talk from a stupid hoe
|
calling siri a stupid hoe
|
[
"so like most posts here, this did not happen",
"today, but on friday - its now sunday. so a",
"little back story (not that far back, only a",
"couple hours) me and my friends were playing a",
"game called [what are the",
"odds](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?t",
"erm=what+are+the+odds)",
"and i lost odds to go in front of someone on the",
"street, and start singing the national anthem,",
"while taking off my pants. i really didn't want",
"to do that, for obvious reasons, so my friend",
"suggested that if he changed my iphone passcode,",
"and i could get it, i didn't have to do it. note",
"- i am jailbroken, or was and i had a cydia tweak",
"so when i press both volume rockers, it would",
"unlock my phone. so naturally, i said yes. he",
"changes my passcode, and gives me my phone. i",
"try pressing both volume rockers, but it doesn't",
"work. i try the passcode a few times, but can't",
"get it. i hand my friend my phone, and tell him",
"i can't get in. he takes my phone, and try's to",
"put in the passcode, but i guess forgot it,",
"because he couldn't get in either.",
"so a few hours later, after we've given up all",
"hope on figuring out the passcode for my phone,",
"so i resort to using siri to contact people. i",
"realise that my battery is a little low, and so i",
"fully power off my phone. i'm ready to go home,",
"so i'm on the streetcar, on the way home, ready",
"for the fate, which is needing to factory restore",
"my phone, which means upgrading to the dreaded",
"ios 8.3 (i can't downgrade because apple stopped",
"signing ios 8.2) so i get of the streetcar, and",
"remember to remind my mom that i will be home",
"soon, so i pull out my phone and open siri. now",
"remember how i powered off my phone? well",
"apperantly siri doesn't work if you have fully",
"powered off, then powered on, until you unlock",
"your phone. so it gives me a message saying that",
"i can't use siri until i unlock my phone, so i",
"call siri a stupid hoe. at that exact same time,",
"an oldish lady told me that the light has changed",
"to green, and right after i said something like",
"\"shut up you stupid hoe!\" now i was talking to",
"siri, but i now see how it was very easy to see",
"that i may have been talking to her, as i was",
"talking through those earbuds with microphones.",
"i get the dirtiest look you could ever imagine,",
"and a lecture as to why i shouldn't know words",
"like that at such a young age, and that i am a",
"very insensitive persone, etc. i am still",
"laughing about it now.",
"p.s, i didn't have to sing the national anthem",
"while stripping."
] |
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call siri a stupid hoe. at that exact same time,
|
35 | 26 | 0.92 | 35 |
so today i was tasked with taking care of my cousins daughter while he my mom and some of her other family members went out to town and got drunk. i had been out the night(no sleep) before and according to the it was only fair. so it all went good but then around 8pm i started to get really sleepy, and laied down. we all know how five year olds can be, so there was no chance of me falling asleep. so, to get rid of her for a what i thought would be ten minutes i asked her if she wanted to play hide and seek. of course she said yes, as any young one would, and i told her to go hide and i would find her...
here's the fun part. i ended up falling asleep. next thing i know i have my mom, drunk as hell beating me with a flyswatter calling me a dumb goat. it was around 12pm and they had gotten home, all drunk, yelling at me to go get the girl. of course, i was hella confused, and just kinda laied there for a second to figure out what's going on.
turns out she ran outside, somehow had climbed a tree, a good 13-14 feet and was too scared to climb down. she had been yelling for me for a little less than 4 hours...
still awaiting punishment
|
tifu by telling a five year old to hide and she ended up stuck in a tree for 4 hours.
|
playing hide and seek.
|
[
"so today i was tasked with taking care of my",
"cousins daughter while he my mom and some of her",
"other family members went out to town and got",
"drunk. i had been out the night(no sleep) before",
"and according to the it was only fair. so it all",
"went good but then around 8pm i started to get",
"really sleepy, and laied down. we all know how",
"five year olds can be, so there was no chance of",
"me falling asleep. so, to get rid of her for a",
"what i thought would be ten minutes i asked her",
"if she wanted to play hide and seek. of course",
"she said yes, as any young one would, and i told",
"her to go hide and i would find her...",
"here's the fun part. i ended up falling asleep.",
"next thing i know i have my mom, drunk as hell",
"beating me with a flyswatter calling me a dumb",
"goat. it was around 12pm and they had gotten",
"home, all drunk, yelling at me to go get the",
"girl. of course, i was hella confused, and just",
"kinda laied there for a second to figure out",
"what's going on.",
"turns out she ran outside, somehow had climbed a",
"tree, a good 13-14 feet and was too scared to",
"climb down. she had been yelling for me for a",
"little less than 4 hours...",
"still awaiting punishment"
] |
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if she wanted to play hide and seek. of course little less than 4 hours...
|
0 | 5 | 0.5 | 0 |
this happened about 15 minutes ago. it's been gorgeous as all hell out lately, so everyone has been taking out their boats, including my family and i. we came in after a while because it was getting really choppy out, and so my dad and i were headed back to get the boat trailer.
on our way back, there's a park adjacent to the road, so we decide to walk through it because grass is a bit easier on our feet when we have sandals on. there's a lot of small flowers through there, and so the bees were apparently having a field day. so i'm walking, and i feel something on the back of my leg. i look and whaddaya know, it's a bee. i freak the hell out, because who doesn't when a bee gets near them? i must have looked like a monkey having a panic attack trying to get it off. the worst part about it was that everyone and their mothers must have been out to witness it as i heard chuckling from a ways away.
so yeah, if you witnessed that, i swear i'm not that dorky (usually).
|
stung by a bee, people giggle.
|
walking through the grass.
|
[
"this happened about 15 minutes ago. it's been",
"gorgeous as all hell out lately, so everyone has",
"been taking out their boats, including my family",
"and i. we came in after a while because it was",
"getting really choppy out, and so my dad and i",
"were headed back to get the boat trailer.",
"on our way back, there's a park adjacent to the",
"road, so we decide to walk through it because",
"grass is a bit easier on our feet when we have",
"sandals on. there's a lot of small flowers",
"through there, and so the bees were apparently",
"having a field day. so i'm walking, and i feel",
"something on the back of my leg. i look and",
"whaddaya know, it's a bee. i freak the hell out,",
"because who doesn't when a bee gets near them? i",
"must have looked like a monkey having a panic",
"attack trying to get it off. the worst part about",
"it was that everyone and their mothers must have",
"been out to witness it as i heard chuckling from",
"a ways away.",
"so yeah, if you witnessed that, i swear i'm not",
"that dorky (usually)."
] |
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whaddaya know, it's a bee. i freak the hell out,
|
3 | 2 | 1 | 3 |
as all fuck ups, this did not happen today, but about the months ago. alright, so it's the march break, and my dad is going on a business trip to guyana (carribean country in south america) to see family, and to do stuff with work. anyways on to the fu. i had went to guyana for 2 days last year with my dad, and instead of usually giving my passport to my mom, i decided to be a dumbass and hide it somewhere in my room where i could get it. a year passes, and we're having most of the rooms in the house repainted, including mine, along with many room- re-movements, all of my furniture had to go into the middle of my room, in a jumbled mess of papers, binders, chip bags, chargers, and clothes, my passport was somewhere in the middle of that. then my dad asks me if i want to go to guyana with him, which i instantly say yes to, because i would be missing a few days of school in the duration of my time in guyana. fast forward to when i have to get my passport, i obviously can't find it. so as any logical person would do, i came crying to my mom, who gave me the cold shoulder and said to find it myself, because i lost it, or else she would beat me (carribean parents). so i basically turn my room upside down for the second time, with no luck. by that time it's too late, my dad would go to guyana without me. and to top that off, my grandma and mom were leaving to go to brampton to stay with family, and my 2 sisters were on a school trip. i was left home alone for 5 days. i didn't know how to cook for shit, and my mom had recently bought, around 3 boxes of vector cereal, so... you could guess what i did. i ate nothing but vector for breakfast, lunch and dinner, didn't leave the house, and did nothing all day.except for jerk off. this was my life for 5 days eat vector, jerk off around 6 times, sleep. but the real fuck up, is that my dumbass didn't throw a fucking party while i had the house to myself! oh, and also the total approximate number of the times that i jerked off is around 30 in 5 days. so, that was my march break, how about yours?
|
keep track of your passport
|
losing my passport and not having a party.
|
[
"as all fuck ups, this did not happen today, but",
"about the months ago. alright, so it's the march",
"break, and my dad is going on a business trip to",
"guyana (carribean country in south america) to",
"see family, and to do stuff with work. anyways on",
"to the fu. i had went to guyana for 2 days last",
"year with my dad, and instead of usually giving",
"my passport to my mom, i decided to be a dumbass",
"and hide it somewhere in my room where i could",
"get it. a year passes, and we're having most of",
"the rooms in the house repainted, including mine,",
"along with many room- re-movements, all of my",
"furniture had to go into the middle of my room,",
"in a jumbled mess of papers, binders, chip bags,",
"chargers, and clothes, my passport was somewhere",
"in the middle of that. then my dad asks me if i",
"want to go to guyana with him, which i instantly",
"say yes to, because i would be missing a few days",
"of school in the duration of my time in guyana.",
"fast forward to when i have to get my passport, i",
"obviously can't find it. so as any logical person",
"would do, i came crying to my mom, who gave me",
"the cold shoulder and said to find it myself,",
"because i lost it, or else she would beat me",
"(carribean parents). so i basically turn my room",
"upside down for the second time, with no luck. by",
"that time it's too late, my dad would go to",
"guyana without me. and to top that off, my",
"grandma and mom were leaving to go to brampton to",
"stay with family, and my 2 sisters were on a",
"school trip. i was left home alone for 5 days. i",
"didn't know how to cook for shit, and my mom had",
"recently bought, around 3 boxes of vector cereal,",
"so... you could guess what i did. i ate nothing",
"but vector for breakfast, lunch and dinner,",
"didn't leave the house, and did nothing all",
"day.except for jerk off. this was my life for 5",
"days eat vector, jerk off around 6 times, sleep.",
"but the real fuck up, is that my dumbass didn't",
"throw a fucking party while i had the house to",
"myself! oh, and also the total approximate number",
"of the times that i jerked off is around 30 in 5",
"days. so, that was my march break, how about",
"yours?"
] |
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chargers, and clothes, my passport was somewhere
|
4 | 4 | 1 | 4 |
obligatory, this happened last week.
so i live in an apartment complex and i had a new neighbor move in across the way. i've been studying for the texas bar for approximately 3 months, hovered over my computer and reading law. basically, i've had pretty minimal human contact. now, i'm not normally socially awkward, quite the opposite, but i guess i'm so out of practice, i couldn't help myself. as i exited my apartment, my new neighbor exited simultaneously. she is approximately in her younger 20s. here is the exchange:
me- "oh hi, are you our new neighbor?"
her- "yes"
me- "well nice to meet you, i'm aulstin, and i live in the apartment across from you with my wife, (wife's name)"
her- "nice to meet you."
*this is where i get weird*
me- "so do you have anyone else living with you?"
*why did i ask that?*
her- "no...well, i live with my dog."
me -"well, i'll let you know if i see any suspect characters hanging around."
*what?!? what does that mean*
her- nervous laughter, "ok."
edit: formatting.
|
- divulge of human contact, i make awkward conversation with my brand new neighbor, who probably thinks i'm crazy
|
being neighborly and coming off as creepy
|
[
"obligatory, this happened last week.",
"so i live in an apartment complex and i had a new",
"neighbor move in across the way. i've been",
"studying for the texas bar for approximately 3",
"months, hovered over my computer and reading law.",
"basically, i've had pretty minimal human",
"contact. now, i'm not normally socially awkward,",
"quite the opposite, but i guess i'm so out of",
"practice, i couldn't help myself. as i exited my",
"apartment, my new neighbor exited simultaneously.",
"she is approximately in her younger 20s. here",
"is the exchange:",
"me- \"oh hi, are you our new neighbor?\"",
"her- \"yes\"",
"me- \"well nice to meet you, i'm aulstin, and i",
"live in the apartment across from you with my",
"wife, (wife's name)\"",
"her- \"nice to meet you.\"",
"*this is where i get weird*",
"me- \"so do you have anyone else living with you?\"",
"*why did i ask that?*",
"her- \"no...well, i live with my dog.\"",
"me -\"well, i'll let you know if i see any suspect",
"characters hanging around.\"",
"*what?!? what does that mean*",
"her- nervous laughter, \"ok.\"",
"edit: formatting."
] |
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contact. now, i'm not normally socially awkward, apartment, my new neighbor exited simultaneously. her- "no...well, i live with my dog."
|
14 | 13 | 0.89 | 14 |
so a little background first.
my girlfriend and i have been dating for nearly two years now and things have been going wonderfully. we've been to europe twice together, been to vermont and montreal, and i was recently hired in the same district where she teaches 3rd grade. so let's get on to the fuck up already...
we've been talking a lot about marriage, like when and where and how and all the works but there is one detail that is missing. i haven't proposed yet. last summer in europe i told her i was getting a ring and she was ecstatic. (we're both 25 years old) i told her that it would still be a while until i felt ready to propose, and she was very understanding and supportive of my needing to take my time. so her birthday was today, and i decided to surprise the love of my life by decorating the house with pink and white streamers, presents on the table, and pink balloons strewn across the house. now with the balloons i had the lovely idea of writing something sweet, one letter per balloon type thing. so i write out "i love you <3" on the balloons.
enter girlfriend of 2 years who is expecting a proposal at essentially any time. "happy birthday!" i yell. she is beyond excited. i mean gathering the dog to pose, squealing like a girl on christmas, the works... as soon as she finds all the balloons and puts them in order, what does it say?
"i love you <3"
my god the awkwardness that is happening right now is so heavy.
|
: girlfriend of two years expecting proposal, gets an "i love you <3"
|
wishing my girlfriend "happy birthday!"
|
[
"so a little background first.",
"my girlfriend and i have been dating for nearly",
"two years now and things have been going",
"wonderfully. we've been to europe twice together,",
"been to vermont and montreal, and i was recently",
"hired in the same district where she teaches 3rd",
"grade. so let's get on to the fuck up already...",
"we've been talking a lot about marriage, like",
"when and where and how and all the works but",
"there is one detail that is missing. i haven't",
"proposed yet. last summer in europe i told her i",
"was getting a ring and she was ecstatic. (we're",
"both 25 years old) i told her that it would still",
"be a while until i felt ready to propose, and she",
"was very understanding and supportive of my",
"needing to take my time. so her birthday was",
"today, and i decided to surprise the love of my",
"life by decorating the house with pink and white",
"streamers, presents on the table, and pink",
"balloons strewn across the house. now with the",
"balloons i had the lovely idea of writing",
"something sweet, one letter per balloon type",
"thing. so i write out \"i love you <3\" on the",
"balloons.",
"enter girlfriend of 2 years who is expecting a",
"proposal at essentially any time. \"happy",
"birthday!\" i yell. she is beyond excited. i mean",
"gathering the dog to pose, squealing like a girl",
"on christmas, the works... as soon as she finds",
"all the balloons and puts them in order, what",
"does it say?",
"\"i love you <3\"",
"my god the awkwardness that is happening right",
"now is so heavy."
] |
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] |
enter girlfriend of 2 years who is expecting a "i love you <3"
|
30 | 15 | 0.83 | 30 |
i moved out of my parents house 6 months ago so i still have a few things in my room and bathroom in the basement.
today i went to visit and swam in the pool. after i got out and was blow drying my hair; my brother walks in and says 'here i've got a brush you can use of you want, i found it in your room and have been using it'.
i'm a girl. my hairbrush had a squishy handle. it has been in my vajayjay. now my brother uses it on a daily basis.
|
my brother has been using my sexy-times hair brush to brush his hair.
|
leaving a hairbrush at my parents.
|
[
"i moved out of my parents house 6 months ago so i",
"still have a few things in my room and bathroom",
"in the basement.",
"today i went to visit and swam in the pool. after",
"i got out and was blow drying my hair; my brother",
"walks in and says 'here i've got a brush you can",
"use of you want, i found it in your room and have",
"been using it'.",
"i'm a girl. my hairbrush had a squishy handle. it",
"has been in my vajayjay. now my brother uses it",
"on a daily basis."
] |
[
0,
0.0050148545300874505,
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1,
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] |
been using it'. has been in my vajayjay. now my brother uses it
|
4 | 2 | 0.67 | 4 |
so this fuck up happened a few weeks ago, but only now has the shame subsided enough for me to post this...
so a while back, i decided to slum it and go to my first music festival (before i got too old to enjoy it - i mean, eww, dirt). it was pretty standard - music, tents, alcohol, bit of rain... went with a largish group of people whom i knew relatively well. one of the younger guys in the group was an graduate from work (good friend of a friend). i knew him fairly well, but had never really thought much of him - he was like a little annoying brother. harmless. let's call him jon.
anyway, the day passes. i'm having fun. i'm enjoying the music. even the toilets are only fractionally creeping me out. it's getting more and more boozy and i'm starting to forget how to walk straight. as per all great festivals, the heavens open up and i run (crawl) to the nearest shelter, losing all my friends in the process. however, i do bump into jon and we excitedly greet each other in the way that only the truly trashed can do. i don't 100% remember what was said, but it was something along the lines of "i fucking fancy you throwaway" and me responding "oh yeah? i'm going to take you home!"
so i did. bear in mind that this guy is 7 years my junior and he's a flipping graduate at my work (setting a good example indeed) - my drunken mind convinced me that it would be a great idea to take him to my tent for some action. it was wet and dirty (literally, due to rain and mud) - we had pretty horrible sex, followed by him rolling off to one side and proceeding to vomit (in hindsight, my ego probably should've been bruised by this).
i'm feeling pretty drunk and tired at this point, so i told myself i'd sort it in the morning... so i fall asleep despite having jon and a pile of his vomit next to me. cue the next morning - we are rudely woken by the glaring morning sunlight streaming through my tent, and i had to stifle a scream as my memory returned (and jon's hairy arm wrapped around me). i checked that all my limbs were intact (they were, phew) before i surveyed my surroundings. then it hit me - jon had vomited in my bag.
vomited. in my bag. my bag with all my stuff in. my bag with all my clothes in.
you see where i'm getting at with this fuck up?
i spend the next 30 minutes trying to salvage an item of clean clothing and failed. i chuck jon out despite his hungover protests. i ended up having to ninja my way to the showers to "shower" my entire weekend wardrobe (praying that chunks of vomit weren't going to block the drains). it was awful. it smelled awful. the vomit was red wine vomit. and i was hungover.
for all my efforts, most clothes were vomit chunk free, however all had strange patches on due to the red wine. i also tried drying my clothes outside the tent, albeit unsuccessfully due to intermittent rain. had to wear slightly damp and slightly stained clothes for the rest of the weekend...
and i've not seen jon since.
|
fucked a grad and got vomit over all my clothes for my sins.
|
sleeping with a graduate co worker
|
[
"so this fuck up happened a few weeks ago, but only",
"now has the shame subsided enough for me to post",
"this...",
"so a while back, i decided to slum it and go to",
"my first music festival (before i got too old to",
"enjoy it - i mean, eww, dirt). it was pretty",
"standard - music, tents, alcohol, bit of rain...",
"went with a largish group of people whom i knew",
"relatively well. one of the younger guys in the",
"group was an graduate from work (good friend of a",
"friend). i knew him fairly well, but had never",
"really thought much of him - he was like a little",
"annoying brother. harmless. let's call him jon.",
"anyway, the day passes. i'm having fun. i'm",
"enjoying the music. even the toilets are only",
"fractionally creeping me out. it's getting more",
"and more boozy and i'm starting to forget how to",
"walk straight. as per all great festivals, the",
"heavens open up and i run (crawl) to the nearest",
"shelter, losing all my friends in the process.",
"however, i do bump into jon and we excitedly",
"greet each other in the way that only the truly",
"trashed can do. i don't 100% remember what was",
"said, but it was something along the lines of \"i",
"fucking fancy you throwaway\" and me responding",
"\"oh yeah? i'm going to take you home!\"",
"so i did. bear in mind that this guy is 7 years",
"my junior and he's a flipping graduate at my work",
"(setting a good example indeed) - my drunken mind",
"convinced me that it would be a great idea to",
"take him to my tent for some action. it was wet",
"and dirty (literally, due to rain and mud) - we",
"had pretty horrible sex, followed by him rolling",
"off to one side and proceeding to vomit (in",
"hindsight, my ego probably should've been bruised",
"by this).",
"i'm feeling pretty drunk and tired at this point,",
"so i told myself i'd sort it in the morning... so",
"i fall asleep despite having jon and a pile of",
"his vomit next to me. cue the next morning - we",
"are rudely woken by the glaring morning sunlight",
"streaming through my tent, and i had to stifle a",
"scream as my memory returned (and jon's hairy arm",
"wrapped around me). i checked that all my limbs",
"were intact (they were, phew) before i surveyed",
"my surroundings. then it hit me - jon had vomited",
"in my bag.",
"vomited. in my bag. my bag with all my stuff in.",
"my bag with all my clothes in.",
"you see where i'm getting at with this fuck up?",
"i spend the next 30 minutes trying to salvage an",
"item of clean clothing and failed. i chuck jon",
"out despite his hungover protests. i ended up",
"having to ninja my way to the showers to \"shower\"",
"my entire weekend wardrobe (praying that chunks",
"of vomit weren't going to block the drains). it",
"was awful. it smelled awful. the vomit was red",
"wine vomit. and i was hungover.",
"for all my efforts, most clothes were vomit chunk",
"free, however all had strange patches on due to",
"the red wine. i also tried drying my clothes",
"outside the tent, albeit unsuccessfully due to",
"intermittent rain. had to wear slightly damp and",
"slightly stained clothes for the rest of the",
"weekend...",
"and i've not seen jon since."
] |
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my bag with all my clothes in. wine vomit. and i was hungover.
|
15 | 6 | 0.76 | 15 |
so this happened about 2 years ago.
so everyone knows what icy hot is right ? well one night my legs hurt so i rubbed it on and felt the ice and hot magic flow through me.
then like 20 minutes later i felt like giving the ole rod a pull. then i got a dumb idea. i thought feels good on my legs so it should feel good on my dick. so i proceed to apply a generous amount. as i prepared to do the deed i felt it go ice cold and i'm just shivering my ass off.
then it started to get warm. it was pretty pleasant and i'm just like alright so it's all good.
then out of no where it begins to rise in heat and i start to feel uncomfortable. it gets to the point where it's just burning and i'm losing my shit. so i tried to remove most of it off but the damage was done.
i rushed to the bathroom and blasted cold water into the sink. i let it ride and i dipped my nuts into the sink. it didn't do shit if anything made it worse.
so here i am about to die from the pain as i keep wiping off my beef in hopes of calming the burning sensation. so then i make a makeshift cast thing with a shit ton of bounty and wrapped it like a burrito.
i essentially laid in my bed with extreme agony until i fell asleep. in the morning i woke up and started walking. the cast fell out and i picked it up and could pretty much smell the minty freshness off of it.
thank god i didn't get any real damage. i just got pornstar stamina for a week and minty freshness for the rest of the day.
|
decided to put icy hot on my beef. ended up with a spicy burrito that almost killed me.
|
thinking with the wrong head. (nsfw)
|
[
"so this happened about 2 years ago.",
"so everyone knows what icy hot is right ? well",
"one night my legs hurt so i rubbed it on and felt",
"the ice and hot magic flow through me.",
"then like 20 minutes later i felt like giving the",
"ole rod a pull. then i got a dumb idea. i thought",
"feels good on my legs so it should feel good on",
"my dick. so i proceed to apply a generous amount.",
"as i prepared to do the deed i felt it go ice",
"cold and i'm just shivering my ass off.",
"then it started to get warm. it was pretty",
"pleasant and i'm just like alright so it's all",
"good.",
"then out of no where it begins to rise in",
"heat and i start to feel uncomfortable. it gets",
"to the point where it's just burning and i'm",
"losing my shit. so i tried to remove most of it",
"off but the damage was done.",
"i rushed to the bathroom and blasted cold",
"water into the sink. i let it ride and i dipped",
"my nuts into the sink. it didn't do shit if",
"anything made it worse.",
"so here i am about to die from the pain as i",
"keep wiping off my beef in hopes of calming the",
"burning sensation. so then i make a makeshift",
"cast thing with a shit ton of bounty and wrapped",
"it like a burrito.",
"i essentially laid in my bed with extreme",
"agony until i fell asleep. in the morning i woke",
"up and started walking. the cast fell out and i",
"picked it up and could pretty much smell the",
"minty freshness off of it.",
"thank god i didn't get any real damage. i just",
"got pornstar stamina for a week and minty",
"freshness for the rest of the day."
] |
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so everyone knows what icy hot is right ? well feels good on my legs so it should feel good on
|
1 | 3 | 0.7 | 1 |
ok so this fuck up happened a couple weeks ago but i only now thought to share it with the world. so for a bit of background, i smoke the reefer daily more or less and my girlfriend much less so. my smoking method varies from multiple 2 ft. bong hits to 5-7 waterfall bong hits at a time which most people cannot tolerate very well at all. she smokes maybe twice a month and has a problem with me smoking so often but the ganj is well worth the complaining and passive aggressive comments.
anyway, so it's my 10 year old brother's birthday and my dad, 2 younger brothers, girlfriend, and i had just returned from a waterpark for the special occasion and were at my dad's house for a mini-bbq in which my mom came over from her house which is just down the street. my girlfriend mentions to me that she wants to smoke before dinner so of course i agree and we head to my mom's house where nobody is home. we then hit 3 waterfall bongs each (pretty damn big hits) and i am slightly buzzed when all of a sudden after the third hit she starts to get extremely giggly and giddy. we head up to my dad's house where my bros are playing basketball in the driveway and i somehow decide it's a good idea for us to play with them. at this point my gf is getting higher by the minute and we begin to mutually worry about her state of mind for dinner. this is where the shit starts to hit the fan... my mom comes out to say hello and proceeds to start questioning my gf because she seems out of it. i go to swoop in like spiderman and save her by distracting my mom but her questioning power is too strong and relentless. suddenly the gf starts to slur her words and my spidey senses begin to tingle but they must have been off that day because she started rocking back and forth and hit the deck, passing out with open eyes on the side of my driveway. she's lucky that she didn't hit her head when she fell because unfortunately there was no web to land on.. i then took her inside and sat by her sweaty, scared, shaking body trying to comfort her. somehow i managed to convince both my parents and hers that she was severely dehydrated combined with a sodium deficiency she has that caused the incident. she was picked up promptly in her paranoid, terrified high which i have never experienced before despite my experience. she has vowed to never smoke weed again and told me the next day that the only reason she smoked was to make me think she had no problem with it.... oh well at least shes alright.
|
gf wanted to prove she didn't have a problem w/ smoking, underestimated my tolerance, she got super high, passed out in front of my mom
|
underestimating my weed tolerance
|
[
"ok so this fuck up happened a couple weeks ago but",
"i only now thought to share it with the world. so",
"for a bit of background, i smoke the reefer daily",
"more or less and my girlfriend much less so. my",
"smoking method varies from multiple 2 ft. bong",
"hits to 5-7 waterfall bong hits at a time which",
"most people cannot tolerate very well at all. she",
"smokes maybe twice a month and has a problem with",
"me smoking so often but the ganj is well worth",
"the complaining and passive aggressive comments.",
"anyway, so it's my 10 year old brother's birthday",
"and my dad, 2 younger brothers, girlfriend, and i",
"had just returned from a waterpark for the",
"special occasion and were at my dad's house for a",
"mini-bbq in which my mom came over from her house",
"which is just down the street. my girlfriend",
"mentions to me that she wants to smoke before",
"dinner so of course i agree and we head to my",
"mom's house where nobody is home. we then hit 3",
"waterfall bongs each (pretty damn big hits) and i",
"am slightly buzzed when all of a sudden after the",
"third hit she starts to get extremely giggly and",
"giddy. we head up to my dad's house where my bros",
"are playing basketball in the driveway and i",
"somehow decide it's a good idea for us to play",
"with them. at this point my gf is getting higher",
"by the minute and we begin to mutually worry",
"about her state of mind for dinner. this is where",
"the shit starts to hit the fan... my mom comes",
"out to say hello and proceeds to start",
"questioning my gf because she seems out of it. i",
"go to swoop in like spiderman and save her by",
"distracting my mom but her questioning power is",
"too strong and relentless. suddenly the gf starts",
"to slur her words and my spidey senses begin to",
"tingle but they must have been off that day",
"because she started rocking back and forth and",
"hit the deck, passing out with open eyes on the",
"side of my driveway. she's lucky that she didn't",
"hit her head when she fell because unfortunately",
"there was no web to land on.. i then took her",
"inside and sat by her sweaty, scared, shaking",
"body trying to comfort her. somehow i managed to",
"convince both my parents and hers that she was",
"severely dehydrated combined with a sodium",
"deficiency she has that caused the incident. she",
"was picked up promptly in her paranoid, terrified",
"high which i have never experienced before",
"despite my experience. she has vowed to never",
"smoke weed again and told me the next day that",
"the only reason she smoked was to make me think",
"she had no problem with it.... oh well at least",
"shes alright."
] |
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smokes maybe twice a month and has a problem with the shit starts to hit the fan... my mom comes side of my driveway. she's lucky that she didn't
|
8 | 1 | 0.91 | 8 |
so this actually happened last night. my wife has her younger cousin (25m) here visiting from italy, of course we were tasked with taking him out for an evening. mother in law told us he had a degenerative eye disease but that nobody was "supposed" to know... he seems to see fine and we were told it would likely be an issue as he gets older...that he was okay for now. anyways, my wife suggests we go to play glow-in-the-dark mini putt, to be sure it would be okay we tried in broken italian to explain what it was and we googled some photos to show him. he was pretty excited.
we arrive and pick up our balls and clubs and walk into the neon blackness that is glow in the dark mini putt.... it was pretty immediate that something was wrong... he was taking tiny baby steps and using his club to feel around. wife looks terrified. language barrier is strong.... he just keeps walking forward over to the next hole... *feeling* his way through the space.... he's walking on the greens people are playing... dude cant see shit.
i try to make small talk and do some damage control hoping maybe his eyes just need to adjust.... no....i couldnt even ask since i was not supposed to know his situation, and he chose not to bring it up.
so i corall him back to the start of hole 1, he keeps asking where the hole is.... he is literally shooting to where we tell him. this went on for the first 7 holes, dude is tripping and feeling around this glow in the dark nightmare....until wife finds a footpath that jumps us to hole 13... but he's on to us... he's asking why we are going to 13... wife plays dumb... i walk away to find the family waiting to play hole 13, who luckily understood the predicament and let us bud in front of him and end this awkward situation. 5 holes to go and we got out...i feel pretty bad for the dude...
|
took cousin to glow in the dark mini putt, ends up he cant see in the dark because of am eye disease... was awkward.
|
taking my cousin mini putting.
|
[
"so this actually happened last night. my wife has",
"her younger cousin (25m) here visiting from",
"italy, of course we were tasked with taking him",
"out for an evening. mother in law told us he had",
"a degenerative eye disease but that nobody was",
"\"supposed\" to know... he seems to see fine and we",
"were told it would likely be an issue as he gets",
"older...that he was okay for now. anyways, my",
"wife suggests we go to play glow-in-the-dark mini",
"putt, to be sure it would be okay we tried in",
"broken italian to explain what it was and we",
"googled some photos to show him. he was pretty",
"excited.",
"we arrive and pick up our balls and clubs and",
"walk into the neon blackness that is glow in",
"the dark mini putt.... it was pretty immediate",
"that something was wrong... he was taking tiny",
"baby steps and using his club to feel around.",
"wife looks terrified. language barrier is",
"strong.... he just keeps walking forward over to",
"the next hole... *feeling* his way through the",
"space.... he's walking on the greens people are",
"playing... dude cant see shit.",
"i try to make small talk and do some damage",
"control hoping maybe his eyes just need to",
"adjust.... no....i couldnt even ask since i was",
"not supposed to know his situation, and he chose",
"not to bring it up.",
"so i corall him back to the start of hole 1, he",
"keeps asking where the hole is.... he is",
"literally shooting to where we tell him. this",
"went on for the first 7 holes, dude is tripping",
"and feeling around this glow in the dark",
"nightmare....until wife finds a footpath that",
"jumps us to hole 13... but he's on to us... he's",
"asking why we are going to 13... wife plays",
"dumb... i walk away to find the family waiting to",
"play hole 13, who luckily understood the",
"predicament and let us bud in front of him and",
"end this awkward situation. 5 holes to go and we",
"got out...i feel pretty bad for the dude..."
] |
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the dark mini putt.... it was pretty immediate playing... dude cant see shit. and feeling around this glow in the dark
|
454 | 117 | 0.93 | 454 |
this happened today, just a few minutes actually. i am scared for life.
this weekend i traveled with my family to california for a concert. my brothers and i all shared a hotel room for the weekend, my parents had their own suite. last night we attended the concert, had some of the best seating possible, and an overall wonderful experience.
my mother is huge into photography and documenting every aspect of life. naturally, she took tons of pictures of the concert. (i personally think that taking pictures of a concert is coherently a waste of time.) at a later moment during the concert, both her camera and phone had died, so i let her use my iphone to 'capture the memories.' this led to me having 132 close up pictures and 26 videos of a man holding a guitar and making out with a microphone.
fast forward to today where she wants me to transfer all the pictures i have to her iphone. working in a technical field, she asked me the best way to do so. airdrop lets you send an entire 'moment' at one time, so everything from the concert that night that was on my phone. during the airdrop, someone called her and interrupted the transfer.
here's where the fu takes place. to ensure that things all transferred, i clicked on her 'all photos' tab to see what pictures she had received. i was greeted by an entire series of pictures, all with my mom on her knees, and my dad's huge cock in a a variously deep time-lapse down her throat. dozens of them, all with the unappealing pale skin illuminated by a phone flash in a dark room.
yes, all the photos had successfully transferred.
|
your parents still fuck.
|
helping my mom with her cell phone. [nsfw]
|
[
"this happened today, just a few minutes actually.",
"i am scared for life.",
"this weekend i traveled with my family to",
"california for a concert. my brothers and i all",
"shared a hotel room for the weekend, my parents",
"had their own suite. last night we attended the",
"concert, had some of the best seating possible,",
"and an overall wonderful experience.",
"my mother is huge into photography and",
"documenting every aspect of life. naturally, she",
"took tons of pictures of the concert. (i",
"personally think that taking pictures of a",
"concert is coherently a waste of time.) at a",
"later moment during the concert, both her camera",
"and phone had died, so i let her use my iphone to",
"'capture the memories.' this led to me having 132",
"close up pictures and 26 videos of a man holding",
"a guitar and making out with a microphone.",
"fast forward to today where she wants me to",
"transfer all the pictures i have to her iphone.",
"working in a technical field, she asked me the",
"best way to do so. airdrop lets you send an",
"entire 'moment' at one time, so everything from",
"the concert that night that was on my phone.",
"during the airdrop, someone called her and",
"interrupted the transfer.",
"here's where the fu takes place. to ensure that",
"things all transferred, i clicked on her 'all",
"photos' tab to see what pictures she had",
"received. i was greeted by an entire series of",
"pictures, all with my mom on her knees, and my",
"dad's huge cock in a a variously deep time-lapse",
"down her throat. dozens of them, all with the",
"unappealing pale skin illuminated by a phone",
"flash in a dark room.",
"yes, all the photos had successfully transferred."
] |
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shared a hotel room for the weekend, my parents
|
5 | 1 | 1 | 5 |
so this fuckup was last night. i'm on a stereotypical lads holiday in magaluf, 5 of us. i don't drink too often as it just doesn't appeal to me but when in rome eh.
so we're at this club last night called boomerang, me and my mate started drinking early so by 2am i'm throughly drunk. we went outside for a cigarette after dancing with these girls in the club and i thought i'd start dancing whilst smoking a cigarette for some reason, bad idea.
i fell onto my ankle and struggled to walk, my buddy helped me back to my hotel room.
fast-forward to this morning and i couldn't walk on it at all, had to go to the hospital and have it x-rayed, turns out its broken and now i have to spend the rest of my holiday in a cast. thank god for travel insurance.
i fell like one of those people on sun sea and a&e. it sucks.
**
|
** danced while stupid drunk and broke my ankle on holiday
|
dancing while stupid drunk on holiday and breaking my ankle
|
[
"so this fuckup was last night. i'm on a",
"stereotypical lads holiday in magaluf, 5 of us. i",
"don't drink too often as it just doesn't appeal",
"to me but when in rome eh.",
"so we're at this club last night called",
"boomerang, me and my mate started drinking early",
"so by 2am i'm throughly drunk. we went outside",
"for a cigarette after dancing with these girls in",
"the club and i thought i'd start dancing whilst",
"smoking a cigarette for some reason, bad idea.",
"i fell onto my ankle and struggled to walk, my",
"buddy helped me back to my hotel room.",
"fast-forward to this morning and i couldn't walk",
"on it at all, had to go to the hospital and have",
"it x-rayed, turns out its broken and now i have",
"to spend the rest of my holiday in a cast. thank",
"god for travel insurance.",
"i fell like one of those people on sun sea and",
"a&e. it sucks.",
"**"
] |
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i fell onto my ankle and struggled to walk, my
|
13 | 3 | 0.84 | 13 |
so this actually happened about 15 minutes ago, but any way:
i was driving down a residential rode in my neighborhood going towards my house to relax and use reddit for a little bit. so, i'm driving down this road pretty slow because i know kids like to play at this hour of the day since it's 4:00 pm est where i live. as i'm driving i happen to be listening to that [justin bieber and diplo song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nntgtk2fhb0) (i am an adult male that just happened to be listening to jb, don't judge ;) ) on the radio. if you've ever heard it, then you know that part where it goes, "where are you now that i need yah --ahahahhahahahaah" in a weird electric sort of sound. well anyway, when that part came on i tried to mimic that with my tongue (try raising and lowering your tongue up and down while your mouth is open). as i was doing that there is a kid, probably five to seven years old, standing outside with his mother looking at me while i'm driving down the rode, *as soon* as i start this tongue thing. the look on his [face](http://files-cdn.formspring.me/photos/20121109/n509ca34e12298.gif) and his [mothers](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/1d/04/16/1d0416739c31389a56dafaf0a2e8cf79.jpg) as i cruise down the rode, jammin to jb, while i look like the girl from the exorcist, made me understand why some children can't go to sleep at night. also keep in mind that my hair is long and i've been lifting heavy things all day from work, so the sweat from my head made my hair look goofy to say the least.
|
drove slow, jammin diplo, kid and mom goes woah.
|
probably giving a kid nightmares tonight.
|
[
"so this actually happened about 15 minutes ago,",
"but any way:",
"i was driving down a residential rode in my",
"neighborhood going towards my house to relax and",
"use reddit for a little bit. so, i'm driving down",
"this road pretty slow because i know kids like to",
"play at this hour of the day since it's 4:00 pm",
"est where i live. as i'm driving i happen to be",
"listening to that [justin bieber and diplo",
"song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nntgtk2fhb0",
")",
"(i am an adult male that just happened to be",
"listening to jb, don't judge ;) ) on the radio.",
"if you've ever heard it, then you know that part",
"where it goes, \"where are you now that i need yah",
"--ahahahhahahahaah\" in a weird electric sort of",
"sound. well anyway, when that part came on i",
"tried to mimic that with my tongue (try raising",
"and lowering your tongue up and down while your",
"mouth is open). as i was doing that there is a",
"kid, probably five to seven years old, standing",
"outside with his mother looking at me while i'm",
"driving down the rode, *as soon* as i start this",
"tongue thing. the look on his",
"[face](http://files-cdn.formspring.me/photos/2012",
"1109/n509ca34e12298.gif)",
"and his",
"[mothers](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/73",
"6x/1d/04/16/1d0416739c31389a56dafaf0a2e8cf79.jpg)",
"as i cruise down the rode, jammin to jb, while i",
"look like the girl from the exorcist, made me",
"understand why some children can't go to sleep at",
"night. also keep in mind that my hair is long and",
"i've been lifting heavy things all day from work,",
"so the sweat from my head made my hair look goofy",
"to say the least."
] |
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listening to that [justin bieber and diplo
|
5 | 8 | 0.65 | 5 |
this is not a throwaway, i've just never had a reason to join reddit instead of lurking about. now i do. as fuck ups go, this one's a long term disaster that just blew up in my face on friday and finished up today.
so, background. i live with my father. he and my mother have been separated for many years, not that they married in the first place. he dates. in the six years i've been in his house, he's had at least three girlfriends, including the current one. with the past two, i was friendly and sociable. i made an effort to get along with them. to...connect, you know? i was more or less successful with the first, and the second became my good friend.
but therein lies the problem. my father broke up with both of them. i wasn't mad about it. breakups happen. does not, however, mean that not being able to see them anymore (i look and sound a hell of a lot like him, so...yeah) didn't hurt like a son of a bitch. so, girlfriend number three i went in with shields up, because fuck all of that shit.
of course, as i have recently learned to my dismay, me with shields up is exactly the same as a massively rude and unsociable asshole. i may have permanently alienated this poor woman who did nothing wrong. i tried to apologize, but she was pissed, and remains so. to say nothing of the conversation i'm know i'm going to have with my father when he returns from his trip. and it's very far away from how i wanted this to go.
if i'd been up front from the start it might have gone better. but...how does one both realize that one feels that way and know how to say it politely enough that you're not the asshole? my talents have limits.
|
version: liked father's last two gfs. their departures hurts, so shields up captain. me with emotional shields up equals asshole. father's girlfriend very angry. don't wanna know what father thinks.
|
trying to protect my tender heart.
|
[
"this is not a throwaway, i've just never had a",
"reason to join reddit instead of lurking about.",
"now i do. as fuck ups go, this one's a long term",
"disaster that just blew up in my face on friday",
"and finished up today.",
"so, background. i live with my father. he and my",
"mother have been separated for many years, not",
"that they married in the first place. he dates.",
"in the six years i've been in his house, he's had",
"at least three girlfriends, including the current",
"one. with the past two, i was friendly and",
"sociable. i made an effort to get along with",
"them. to...connect, you know? i was more or less",
"successful with the first, and the second became",
"my good friend.",
"but therein lies the problem. my father broke up",
"with both of them. i wasn't mad about it.",
"breakups happen. does not, however, mean that not",
"being able to see them anymore (i look and sound",
"a hell of a lot like him, so...yeah) didn't hurt",
"like a son of a bitch. so, girlfriend number",
"three i went in with shields up, because fuck all",
"of that shit.",
"of course, as i have recently learned to my",
"dismay, me with shields up is exactly the same as",
"a massively rude and unsociable asshole. i may",
"have permanently alienated this poor woman who",
"did nothing wrong. i tried to apologize, but she",
"was pissed, and remains so. to say nothing of the",
"conversation i'm know i'm going to have with my",
"father when he returns from his trip. and it's",
"very far away from how i wanted this to go.",
"if i'd been up front from the start it might have",
"gone better. but...how does one both realize that",
"one feels that way and know how to say it",
"politely enough that you're not the asshole? my",
"talents have limits."
] |
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like a son of a bitch. so, girlfriend number dismay, me with shields up is exactly the same as
|
8 | 6 | 0.84 | 8 |
so this one just happened right now, me and my brother has been collecting [amiibo](http://www.nintendo.com/amiibo/what-is-amiibo) for awhile now. we initially pre-ordered the initial set and despite the fact that they became hard to come by we decided to keep it up seeing as we already started now.
anyway the space we keep the amiibo are 2 medium size shelfs and 3 corner shelves, we can keep 5 of them still in the boxes on the medium shelf. the fact that we kept them boxed is the mistake, because once the shelf became filled we begun staking them on top each other. we stacked about 5 sets of 5 on top of each other on the top shelf.
right before i started writing this, i was coincidentally sitting on a seat right next to shelves of amiibo on my laptop while watching the simpsons on sky one and all of a sudden they all started falling down onto me. about 15 amiibo fell on me seemingly one by one until it stopped. i took me until the ordeal was over to realize what happened.
me and my brother joked it would happen and we even went so far as to consider moving them but we didn't and further cementing that i fucked up.
**
|
** read the title and use you imagination.
|
trying to stack 42 amiibo on shelves next to my chair
|
[
"so this one just happened right now, me and my",
"brother has been collecting",
"[amiibo](http://www.nintendo.com/amiibo/what-is-a",
"miibo)",
"for awhile now. we initially pre-ordered the",
"initial set and despite the fact that they became",
"hard to come by we decided to keep it up seeing",
"as we already started now.",
"anyway the space we keep the amiibo are 2 medium",
"size shelfs and 3 corner shelves, we can keep 5",
"of them still in the boxes on the medium shelf.",
"the fact that we kept them boxed is the mistake,",
"because once the shelf became filled we begun",
"staking them on top each other. we stacked about",
"5 sets of 5 on top of each other on the top",
"shelf.",
"right before i started writing this, i was",
"coincidentally sitting on a seat right next to",
"shelves of amiibo on my laptop while watching the",
"simpsons on sky one and all of a sudden they all",
"started falling down onto me. about 15 amiibo",
"fell on me seemingly one by one until it stopped.",
"i took me until the ordeal was over to realize",
"what happened.",
"me and my brother joked it would happen and we",
"even went so far as to consider moving them but",
"we didn't and further cementing that i fucked up.",
"**"
] |
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initial set and despite the fact that they became
|
7 | 4 | 0.81 | 7 |
like all good tifu's this didn't actually happen today; in fact it didn't even happen yesterday, this week, or this month. it happened around october-ish last fall.
last year was my first year of college and, as we all know, it's a time for learning and personal development. i did at least one of those things that fateful october night.
a bit of backstory:
- i was completely sober
- i had never had a girl take any sort of interest in me before
it was 2 am on a friday night when a girl (she lived on my hall) i had been hanging out and talking with for the past few weeks of school had come by and asked if i wanted to watch a movie with her (we had made a habit of doing this for the last few weeks) in her room. this is notable because her roommate, for the first time that semester, wasn't around as she had gone home for the weekend.
i, of course, said yes but my body decided around then it was hungry so what does any poor college student do when they're hungry at 2 am? make some microwavable soup of course! now as we all know soup is a liquid and what do liquids sometimes do? that's right, they spill! so i was making sure i was *extra careful* to not spill any of this soup on anything in her room as that would ruin this night which seemingly had been going well for the few short minutes it had been.
enter mistake #1:
i get the movie set up on my laptop and all that and we settle in to watch it, this is where i make my first mistake. she asks me if i want to share her blanket with her, which i realize now meant that she wanted to cuddle, i said "no". why did i said no you ask? because i was worried about spilling soup on her blanket of course! she goes on to insist that we share the blanket but 2 am me was going to have none of that as i was to worried about spilling the soup and ruining the chance i thought i would have in the future.
enter mistake #2:
so the movie progresses, i finish my soup, and we get to around half way through when she tells me that i can stay over for the night. can anyone guess what i say? i say "no" of course! i had to wake up in the morning for drill team or something so i told myself i needed to be well rested and my room was right down the hall so it wasn't necessary for me to stay the night.
anyway we finish the movie, talk for a bit, and i head back to my room when the realization of the whole situation hits me: i just blew that whole thing in a spectacular fashion. i decide nothing can be done to redeem myself that night so i go to bed, alone, in my room.
enter mistake #3:
a few days elapse and i'm walking across campus with one of my buddies telling him about the whole situation and how much of an idiot i am when i end up seeing her and a few of her friends walking toward us. she's overly happy to see me and super flirty (which i completely missed until i rethought what just happened a few minutes later) and i just sorta blow her off and tell her i'll see her later (i was to busy telling my friend how much i had fucked up to notice i was fucking up again).
needless to say we never really got together after all that.
|
less game than a chess piece and probably denser.
|
choosing soup
|
[
"like all good tifu's this didn't actually happen",
"today; in fact it didn't even happen yesterday,",
"this week, or this month. it happened around",
"october-ish last fall.",
"last year was my first year of college and, as we",
"all know, it's a time for learning and personal",
"development. i did at least one of those things",
"that fateful october night.",
"a bit of backstory:\n\n- i was completely sober",
"- i had never had a girl take any sort of",
"interest in me before",
"it was 2 am on a friday night when a girl (she",
"lived on my hall) i had been hanging out and",
"talking with for the past few weeks of school had",
"come by and asked if i wanted to watch a movie",
"with her (we had made a habit of doing this for",
"the last few weeks) in her room. this is notable",
"because her roommate, for the first time that",
"semester, wasn't around as she had gone home for",
"the weekend.",
"i, of course, said yes but my body decided around",
"then it was hungry so what does any poor college",
"student do when they're hungry at 2 am? make some",
"microwavable soup of course! now as we all know",
"soup is a liquid and what do liquids sometimes",
"do? that's right, they spill! so i was making",
"sure i was *extra careful* to not spill any of",
"this soup on anything in her room as that would",
"ruin this night which seemingly had been going",
"well for the few short minutes it had been.",
"enter mistake #1:",
"i get the movie set up on my laptop and all that",
"and we settle in to watch it, this is where i",
"make my first mistake. she asks me if i want to",
"share her blanket with her, which i realize now",
"meant that she wanted to cuddle, i said \"no\". why",
"did i said no you ask? because i was worried",
"about spilling soup on her blanket of course! she",
"goes on to insist that we share the blanket but 2",
"am me was going to have none of that as i was to",
"worried about spilling the soup and ruining the",
"chance i thought i would have in the future.",
"enter mistake #2:",
"so the movie progresses, i finish my soup, and we",
"get to around half way through when she tells me",
"that i can stay over for the night. can anyone",
"guess what i say? i say \"no\" of course! i had to",
"wake up in the morning for drill team or",
"something so i told myself i needed to be well",
"rested and my room was right down the hall so it",
"wasn't necessary for me to stay the night.",
"anyway we finish the movie, talk for a bit, and i",
"head back to my room when the realization of the",
"whole situation hits me: i just blew that whole",
"thing in a spectacular fashion. i decide nothing",
"can be done to redeem myself that night so i go",
"to bed, alone, in my room.",
"enter mistake #3:",
"a few days elapse and i'm walking across campus",
"with one of my buddies telling him about the",
"whole situation and how much of an idiot i am",
"when i end up seeing her and a few of her friends",
"walking toward us. she's overly happy to see me",
"and super flirty (which i completely missed until",
"i rethought what just happened a few minutes",
"later) and i just sorta blow her off and tell her",
"i'll see her later (i was to busy telling my",
"friend how much i had fucked up to notice i was",
"fucking up again).",
"needless to say we never really got together",
"after all that."
] |
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all know, it's a time for learning and personal
|
23 | 6 | 0.83 | 23 |
so tomorrow i'm going to an amusement park with my family and my father told me i could bring this girl i have been crushing on with us. so unfortunately my dad's girlfriend likes to "stalk" people on facebook and since she cannot go with us tomorrow she decides that it would be a good idea to learn everthing she can about this girl. here is where i really mess up, my dad's girlfriend sees that shes a year younger than me, which is weird because shes actually a year older, and she wont stop giving me crap about it. i want her to be quiet so i screenshot the whole facebook info page of my crush and circle her birthday then send it to my crush saying "is this really your birthday?" i then realised i looked like a crazy psycho facebook stalker and to make it worse is she hasnt replied or anything and i think tomorrow is off because of it. fuck.
edit 1: misspelled girlfriend in the title
|
let my dad's girlfriend stalk my crush on facebook and i ended up being the crazy facebook stalker.
|
letting my dad's gilfriend stalk my crush on facebook.
|
[
"so tomorrow i'm going to an amusement park with my",
"family and my father told me i could bring this",
"girl i have been crushing on with us. so",
"unfortunately my dad's girlfriend likes to",
"\"stalk\" people on facebook and since she cannot",
"go with us tomorrow she decides that it would be",
"a good idea to learn everthing she can about this",
"girl. here is where i really mess up, my dad's",
"girlfriend sees that shes a year younger than me,",
"which is weird because shes actually a year",
"older, and she wont stop giving me crap about it.",
"i want her to be quiet so i screenshot the whole",
"facebook info page of my crush and circle her",
"birthday then send it to my crush saying \"is this",
"really your birthday?\" i then realised i looked",
"like a crazy psycho facebook stalker and to make",
"it worse is she hasnt replied or anything and i",
"think tomorrow is off because of it. fuck.",
"edit 1: misspelled girlfriend in the title"
] |
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unfortunately my dad's girlfriend likes to "stalk" people on facebook and since she cannot
|
153 | 34 | 0.95 | 153 |
this tifu happened many years ago when i was the tender age of 15, enjoying a summer at the jersey shore.
i went with some friends to a water park and everyone wanted to go down the big slide. you know, the one that's at every water park that's like 70 feet tall, nearly a straight down drop.
it's hot as hell and the line for this slide is long, but we decide to go for it anyways. about halfway through the line (and 4 flights of stairs up) i start getting this rumbling in my gut... that travels down to my bowels. ugh.. that chili dog and chili cheese fries i ate earlier in the day is not settling well. do i get out of line? or hold it and wait till i get down the slide? obviously, i chose the latter.
my turn finally comes and the slide attendant tells me to cross my arms and my legs, which i do, and he gives me a push. as soon as i started to descend, my legs flew open and it's like someone stuck a hose of freezing cold water up my ass and turned it on full blast. i could feel that water in my stomach.
when i reach the end of the slide, i'm shaken up from feeling like my ass has just been violated by a high pressure hose. i stand up and when i do, all the water that went in rushes back out.. along with a massive amount of brown, chunky liquid.
there had to be about 50 people at the end of this slide waiting to watch their kids or friends come down, some of which were taping on good ole early 1990's camcorders.. and now, i've just shit myself and the waterslide in front of them. the look of shock and disgust was common among the crowd. somewhere out there, someone, maybe multiple people, have a vhs tape of a perfect day at the water park with their family/friends, tainted by my shitty incident.
the slide was immediately closed for sanitary reasons.
|
i got a waterslide enema, shit myself and the waterslide and the slide had to be closed down for sanitary reasons.
|
going on a waterslide
|
[
"this tifu happened many years ago when i was the",
"tender age of 15, enjoying a summer at the jersey",
"shore.",
"i went with some friends to a water park and",
"everyone wanted to go down the big slide. you",
"know, the one that's at every water park that's",
"like 70 feet tall, nearly a straight down drop.",
"it's hot as hell and the line for this slide is",
"long, but we decide to go for it anyways. about",
"halfway through the line (and 4 flights of stairs",
"up) i start getting this rumbling in my gut...",
"that travels down to my bowels. ugh.. that chili",
"dog and chili cheese fries i ate earlier in the",
"day is not settling well. do i get out of line?",
"or hold it and wait till i get down the slide?",
"obviously, i chose the latter.",
"my turn finally comes and the slide attendant",
"tells me to cross my arms and my legs, which i",
"do, and he gives me a push. as soon as i started",
"to descend, my legs flew open and it's like",
"someone stuck a hose of freezing cold water up my",
"ass and turned it on full blast. i could feel",
"that water in my stomach.",
"when i reach the end of the slide, i'm shaken up",
"from feeling like my ass has just been violated",
"by a high pressure hose. i stand up and when i",
"do, all the water that went in rushes back out..",
"along with a massive amount of brown, chunky",
"liquid.",
"there had to be about 50 people at the end of",
"this slide waiting to watch their kids or friends",
"come down, some of which were taping on good ole",
"early 1990's camcorders.. and now, i've just shit",
"myself and the waterslide in front of them. the",
"look of shock and disgust was common among the",
"crowd. somewhere out there, someone, maybe",
"multiple people, have a vhs tape of a perfect day",
"at the water park with their family/friends,",
"tainted by my shitty incident.",
"the slide was immediately closed for sanitary",
"reasons."
] |
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] |
there had to be about 50 people at the end of myself and the waterslide in front of them. the the slide was immediately closed for sanitary
|
4 | 2 | 1 | 4 |
i work in a meat department, and i am recently learning how use the saw as a meat cutter. so today i was asked to cut some bone-in pork, it was a cut i had only done once before so after finishing i said to the other cutter "hey look i didn't even lose any!" referring to my fingers.
now here is where i fucked up, our new clerk is a man who is older then me and he has worked in a meat department before this. i did not know of his history at the time i made the joke, but right after i made it he stopped working and walked up to me. he held up his hand and i saw that one of his fingers was too short and a bit crooked, he then looked me right in the eye and said "you best not joke like that or you might lose one yourself." i couldn't say a thing as he returned to work, i just went back to cutting feeling like a total ass. later i found out he had loss his finger cutting meat years before.
|
i made a bad joke about cutting my fingers off in the meat department without knowing that the new guy had lost a finger cutting meat in the past, thus making an ass of myself.
|
making a joke while at work.
|
[
"i work in a meat department, and i am recently",
"learning how use the saw as a meat cutter. so",
"today i was asked to cut some bone-in pork, it",
"was a cut i had only done once before so after",
"finishing i said to the other cutter \"hey look i",
"didn't even lose any!\" referring to my fingers.",
"now here is where i fucked up, our new clerk is",
"a man who is older then me and he has worked in a",
"meat department before this. i did not know of",
"his history at the time i made the joke, but",
"right after i made it he stopped working and",
"walked up to me. he held up his hand and i saw",
"that one of his fingers was too short and a bit",
"crooked, he then looked me right in the eye and",
"said \"you best not joke like that or you might",
"lose one yourself.\" i couldn't say a thing as he",
"returned to work, i just went back to cutting",
"feeling like a total ass. later i found out he",
"had loss his finger cutting meat years before."
] |
[
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0.17876195511986206,
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0.14762163636219575,
0.08548327526493697,
0.51312946265004,
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1
] |
i work in a meat department, and i am recently didn't even lose any!" referring to my fingers. his history at the time i made the joke, but had loss his finger cutting meat years before.
|
140 | 35 | 0.83 | 140 |
transcribing for a friend not on reddit, fu happened this weekend.
one thing we haven't tried for all the things we had done was anal. thought we were well prepared for this, apparently not. had the love the lube the groping, everything was going well. it even didn't hurt as i thought, it was actually quite pleasurable (no i'm not a pornstar).
the session ended he finished inside me, and i cleaned up (forcibly) showered etc. thinking all was safe and clear decided to go out later, en route to said place i decided to let go of excess wind. much to my dismay what came out wasn't just wind....
after an awkward walk, got the bathroom and thankfully the wet patch hadn't gone through my jeans.
op: met up with storyteller en route to bar, was filled in post bathroom. begged the story to be shared. transcribed directly. credit to friend
op tldr: don't trust a fart
tldr: who'd have thought the aftermath of anal wasn't just an ache
edit: friend (storyteller) wished to add a second
|
farted cum, totally mortified
|
thought anal was safe nsfw
|
[
"transcribing for a friend not on reddit, fu",
"happened this weekend.",
"one thing we haven't tried for all the things we",
"had done was anal. thought we were well prepared",
"for this, apparently not. had the love the lube",
"the groping, everything was going well. it even",
"didn't hurt as i thought, it was actually quite",
"pleasurable (no i'm not a pornstar).",
"the session ended he finished inside me, and i",
"cleaned up (forcibly) showered etc. thinking all",
"was safe and clear decided to go out later, en",
"route to said place i decided to let go of excess",
"wind. much to my dismay what came out wasn't just",
"wind....",
"after an awkward walk, got the bathroom and",
"thankfully the wet patch hadn't gone through my",
"jeans.",
"op: met up with storyteller en route to bar, was",
"filled in post bathroom. begged the story to be",
"shared. transcribed directly. credit to friend",
"op tldr: don't trust a fart",
"tldr: who'd have thought the aftermath of anal",
"wasn't just an ache",
"edit: friend (storyteller) wished to add a second"
] |
[
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2 | 0 | 0.67 | 2 |
so there i was, probably about 4ish hours ago, playing school idol festival. for those of you who don't know, it's a weeb rhythm game that's really popular in japan, but has a very large international player base. (game footage: https://youtu.be/hubptgimpny)
well, i'd just recently updated to the android 5.1 os, and had been having problems with the game since. stuttering, broken audio, looping animations, the works. i'd had enough. frustrated, i immediately went to my settings and uninstalled the game, went to the play store, and reinstalled the game.
this is when i realized my fu. i opened the newly installed game, and immediately had to download updates. i figured it was necessary. i'd just reinstalled. goes with computers, right? well, the game opens up again, and it starts asking me to make a new account. i'm like, "dafuq?" i see the data recovery button, and my heart sinks in realization.
i'd forgotten to write down my data recovery code. i'm nearly in tears within seconds, and i'm running around the internet for customer support. guess what language it's in? frackin' moonspeak. thank the gods for translation options, so i'm making the ticket, and it asks for my user id. fuck. i don't have that, either.
it's at this point i remember that my sister plays the game, too. she's the on who recommended it to me, after all. i go to give her a call. straight to voicemail. i decide to play a different game while i wait for her to call or text me back.
that game starts stuttering, and a fairly large man is suddenly in tears.
|
got angry at my game, reinstalled the game, forgot to write my recovery code down, lost 92 levels of experience, songs, and 40 in-game gems
|
getting frustrated too easily
|
[
"so there i was, probably about 4ish hours ago,",
"playing school idol festival. for those of you",
"who don't know, it's a weeb rhythm game that's",
"really popular in japan, but has a very large",
"international player base. (game footage:",
"https://youtu.be/hubptgimpny)",
"well, i'd just recently updated to the android",
"5.1 os, and had been having problems with the",
"game since. stuttering, broken audio, looping",
"animations, the works. i'd had enough.",
"frustrated, i immediately went to my settings and",
"uninstalled the game, went to the play store, and",
"reinstalled the game.",
"this is when i realized my fu. i opened the newly",
"installed game, and immediately had to download",
"updates. i figured it was necessary. i'd just",
"reinstalled. goes with computers, right? well,",
"the game opens up again, and it starts asking me",
"to make a new account. i'm like, \"dafuq?\" i see",
"the data recovery button, and my heart sinks in",
"realization.",
"i'd forgotten to write down my data recovery",
"code. i'm nearly in tears within seconds, and i'm",
"running around the internet for customer support.",
"guess what language it's in? frackin' moonspeak.",
"thank the gods for translation options, so i'm",
"making the ticket, and it asks for my user id.",
"fuck. i don't have that, either.",
"it's at this point i remember that my sister",
"plays the game, too. she's the on who recommended",
"it to me, after all. i go to give her a call.",
"straight to voicemail. i decide to play a",
"different game while i wait for her to call or",
"text me back.",
"that game starts stuttering, and a fairly large",
"man is suddenly in tears."
] |
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] |
reinstalled the game. i'd forgotten to write down my data recovery
|
14 | 7 | 0.9 | 14 |
i was walking to my car last night when i stumbled upon an empty construction site and my sense of adventure took over. i walked in and began exploring while trying to leave everything as undisturbed as possible, this is someone's job after all. however, when i saw a fire extinguisher, i couldn't resist. i realized i had never used one and so, i used one.
what fun! i didn't want it to end. i decided to take it.
now i'm on the highway, driving home with my new toy on the passenger side floor, and it shifts as i take a curve. having not replaced the pin, the damn thing goes off and fills my car in a dense cloud of sour suffocation.
i can't breath, i can't see and i'm driving at 60 mph.
i'm forced to come to a complete stop in the middle of the highway and jump out of my car. a thick fog poured out from the door. i run to the other side of my car, opened the door and pulled the fire extinguisher out, replaced the pin and put it in my trunk.
i was covered in sandy white powder (powdery white sand?) from head to toe and my car is still covered in a sheet about an inch thick. it's also caked to the inside of my nostrils.
|
stole a fire extinguisher and it went off in my car while on the highway.
|
stealing a fire extinguisher
|
[
"i was walking to my car last night when i stumbled",
"upon an empty construction site and my sense of",
"adventure took over. i walked in and began",
"exploring while trying to leave everything as",
"undisturbed as possible, this is someone's job",
"after all. however, when i saw a fire",
"extinguisher, i couldn't resist. i realized i had",
"never used one and so, i used one.",
"what fun! i didn't want it to end. i decided to",
"take it.",
"now i'm on the highway, driving home with my new",
"toy on the passenger side floor, and it shifts as",
"i take a curve. having not replaced the pin, the",
"damn thing goes off and fills my car in a dense",
"cloud of sour suffocation.",
"i can't breath, i can't see and i'm driving at 60",
"mph.",
"i'm forced to come to a complete stop in the",
"middle of the highway and jump out of my car. a",
"thick fog poured out from the door. i run to the",
"other side of my car, opened the door and pulled",
"the fire extinguisher out, replaced the pin and",
"put it in my trunk.",
"i was covered in sandy white powder (powdery",
"white sand?) from head to toe and my car is still",
"covered in a sheet about an inch thick. it's also",
"caked to the inside of my nostrils."
] |
[
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0.11675852170706905,
0.187146421698567
] |
middle of the highway and jump out of my car. a put it in my trunk.
|
3 | 0 | 1 | 3 |
tifu: i usually go ice skating about 3 times a week and the nearest ice rink is about a 30-45 minute drive. i always get there a little early before public skating starts to have time to put on my skates and talk to some of the workers there. after i make the drive (which requires a toll), i'm sitting in the parking lot looking for my wallet, i realize i left it at home. i'm pretty upset because i am usually pretty good at bringing all the essentials i need. i'm rushing back angry at myself and make the drive all the way back home. i spend 10 minutes going through all the places where i store my wallet. i go back to the car and find that i did bring my wallet i just put it in the compartment near the ashtray and closed it so it was hidden. i make the drive back, arrive an hour late for skating costing about 3 dollars in toll fees and who knows how much in gas.
|
i made a fairly long drive without my wallet, go home to get it, only to realize it was in the car to make the drive back.
|
i thought i left my wallet at home...
|
[
"tifu: i usually go ice skating about 3 times a",
"week and the nearest ice rink is about a 30-45",
"minute drive. i always get there a little early",
"before public skating starts to have time to put",
"on my skates and talk to some of the workers",
"there. after i make the drive (which requires a",
"toll), i'm sitting in the parking lot looking for",
"my wallet, i realize i left it at home. i'm",
"pretty upset because i am usually pretty good at",
"bringing all the essentials i need. i'm rushing",
"back angry at myself and make the drive all the",
"way back home. i spend 10 minutes going through",
"all the places where i store my wallet. i go back",
"to the car and find that i did bring my wallet i",
"just put it in the compartment near the ashtray",
"and closed it so it was hidden. i make the drive",
"back, arrive an hour late for skating costing",
"about 3 dollars in toll fees and who knows how",
"much in gas."
] |
[
0.31026461817913564,
0.1894052775194601,
0.3737118210715976,
0.1570842761311018,
0.367612066886401,
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1,
0.11859495818757558,
0.14337511083953888,
0.35725098413317136
] |
my wallet, i realize i left it at home. i'm to the car and find that i did bring my wallet i and closed it so it was hidden. i make the drive
|
17 | 4 | 0.89 | 17 |
like most posts on here, this happened many years ago. i was about 14 at the time.
i went on holiday with my mother to egypt and she arranged for us to do a bunch of things while we were there and one of them was a boat trip. so off we went on this trip. it was a fairly large boat, very similar to this (http://imgur.com/fpulf9r) except the captain didn't operate the boat from the upper deck. the upper deck was entirely open for people to sit around. i'd say there were about 30-40 people on board. me and my mother were sitting on this upper deck.
so we go out to sea and i'd say probably an hour later we come to a stop fairly near shore. it's a snorkeling spot, so about 20 people all get up and make their way down the steps where they are handing out flippers and goggles etc. at this point i get that awful feeling in your guts. the feeling you get when a liter of liquid shit is released from your small intestines, and sloshes down into the departure lounge. as i'm sure you know, when this happens, time is of the essence. you have to clench as hard as you can to stop it forcing it's way out. i knew i didn't have long before i couldn't hold it back any longer.
so i got up and climbed down the stairs towards the back of the boat. the door of the toilet was on the side of the boat facing outward so you had to walk along the walkway part which went around the edge of the boat. i remember being relived that there was no-one already in there, so i rushed inside, hastily locked the door, whipped my shorts down and out dropped what felt like a bathtub full of shit, and it stank. it was all out in a couple of seconds, but of course i had to mop it all off my cheeks from the splashing. i worked away as fast as i could because the smell was absolutely disgusting. as i was just finishing up, i suddenly remembered something.
>"when we stop the boat, please do not use the toilets!"
the memory of these words rang through my head like an echo. this had been told to everyone by the people on the boat just after we set off. i wasn't paying too much attention to what they were saying, but for some reason i remembered this and now it was too late. i was really fucking worried at this point. i figured that when the boat had stopped, and the engine wasn't running, the toilet flusher probably didn't work. there was a little window in the toilet with a small curtain type thing so i peered out to see if anyone was waiting to use the toilet. there were people lined up outside, but they all seemed to be looking over the edge rather than waiting for the toilet. i thought about just opening the door and sneaking out, but i decided that i should at least try to flush the toilet, just in case it worked. the smell was getting unbearable now too and i'm surprised people outside the door hadn't smelt it yet. i had the plan ready in my head. i'd flush the toilet, and then immediately exit and join the people looking over the edge. no-one would be looking to see who came out of the toilet and i wouldn't get the blame if my shit was just left there. it seemed fool-proof in my head, so i flushed the toilet. big mistake.
the toilet flushed as normal, to my amazement. i didn't need to execute my plan anymore. i opened the door and walked out as the people standing on the edge started to gasp. i looked over the edge to realize the toilet had ejected my shit straight out the side of the boat into the sea, right next to the 20 or so people who were in the water ready to do some snorkeling. i kid you not, there was a cloud of brown liquid shit water about the size of 2 double beds right next to the boat, and of course it was spreading as i stood there, mouth agape. i immediately started to quick walk as fast as i could toward the front of the boat, and then back down the other side, and straight up the stairs to our seats. i acted normal, but i could hear people 'ewww'ing and groaning at the sight of my shit. for the rest of the trip i was really worried someone might have seen me leave the toilet and was going to snitch me up to the captain, but nothing happened and i got away with it. i don't know what happened after, with the snorkeling etc. i was too scared to go back down or look over the edge in case someone recognized me.
it didn't occur to me at the time, but it surely must be illegal to just dump shit into the sea like that? maybe something was broken, or they were just cowboys who didn't care. hopefully someone more in the know could shed some light onto why/how this happened.
|
shit on a boat and ruined a boat trip for many people.
|
shitting on a boat.
|
[
"like most posts on here, this happened many years",
"ago. i was about 14 at the time.",
"i went on holiday with my mother to egypt and she",
"arranged for us to do a bunch of things while we",
"were there and one of them was a boat trip. so",
"off we went on this trip. it was a fairly large",
"boat, very similar to this",
"(http://imgur.com/fpulf9r) except the captain",
"didn't operate the boat from the upper deck. the",
"upper deck was entirely open for people to sit",
"around. i'd say there were about 30-40 people on",
"board. me and my mother were sitting on this",
"upper deck.",
"so we go out to sea and i'd say probably an hour",
"later we come to a stop fairly near shore. it's a",
"snorkeling spot, so about 20 people all get up",
"and make their way down the steps where they are",
"handing out flippers and goggles etc. at this",
"point i get that awful feeling in your guts. the",
"feeling you get when a liter of liquid shit is",
"released from your small intestines, and sloshes",
"down into the departure lounge. as i'm sure you",
"know, when this happens, time is of the essence.",
"you have to clench as hard as you can to stop it",
"forcing it's way out. i knew i didn't have long",
"before i couldn't hold it back any longer.",
"so i got up and climbed down the stairs towards",
"the back of the boat. the door of the toilet was",
"on the side of the boat facing outward so you had",
"to walk along the walkway part which went around",
"the edge of the boat. i remember being relived",
"that there was no-one already in there, so i",
"rushed inside, hastily locked the door, whipped",
"my shorts down and out dropped what felt like a",
"bathtub full of shit, and it stank. it was all",
"out in a couple of seconds, but of course i had",
"to mop it all off my cheeks from the splashing. i",
"worked away as fast as i could because the smell",
"was absolutely disgusting. as i was just",
"finishing up, i suddenly remembered something.",
">\"when we stop the boat, please do not use the",
"toilets!\"",
"the memory of these words rang through my head",
"like an echo. this had been told to everyone by",
"the people on the boat just after we set off. i",
"wasn't paying too much attention to what they",
"were saying, but for some reason i remembered",
"this and now it was too late. i was really",
"fucking worried at this point. i figured that",
"when the boat had stopped, and the engine wasn't",
"running, the toilet flusher probably didn't work.",
"there was a little window in the toilet with a",
"small curtain type thing so i peered out to see",
"if anyone was waiting to use the toilet. there",
"were people lined up outside, but they all seemed",
"to be looking over the edge rather than waiting",
"for the toilet. i thought about just opening the",
"door and sneaking out, but i decided that i",
"should at least try to flush the toilet, just in",
"case it worked. the smell was getting unbearable",
"now too and i'm surprised people outside the door",
"hadn't smelt it yet. i had the plan ready in my",
"head. i'd flush the toilet, and then immediately",
"exit and join the people looking over the edge.",
"no-one would be looking to see who came out of",
"the toilet and i wouldn't get the blame if my",
"shit was just left there. it seemed fool-proof in",
"my head, so i flushed the toilet. big mistake.",
"the toilet flushed as normal, to my amazement. i",
"didn't need to execute my plan anymore. i opened",
"the door and walked out as the people standing on",
"the edge started to gasp. i looked over the edge",
"to realize the toilet had ejected my shit",
"straight out the side of the boat into the sea,",
"right next to the 20 or so people who were in the",
"water ready to do some snorkeling. i kid you not,",
"there was a cloud of brown liquid shit water",
"about the size of 2 double beds right next to the",
"boat, and of course it was spreading as i stood",
"there, mouth agape. i immediately started to",
"quick walk as fast as i could toward the front of",
"the boat, and then back down the other side, and",
"straight up the stairs to our seats. i acted",
"normal, but i could hear people 'ewww'ing and",
"groaning at the sight of my shit. for the rest of",
"the trip i was really worried someone might have",
"seen me leave the toilet and was going to snitch",
"me up to the captain, but nothing happened and i",
"got away with it. i don't know what happened",
"after, with the snorkeling etc. i was too scared",
"to go back down or look over the edge in case",
"someone recognized me.",
"it didn't occur to me at the time, but it surely",
"must be illegal to just dump shit into the sea",
"like that? maybe something was broken, or they",
"were just cowboys who didn't care. hopefully",
"someone more in the know could shed some light",
"onto why/how this happened."
] |
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were there and one of them was a boat trip. so
|
46 | 15 | 0.88 | 46 |
as most fuck ups, this was not today, but about two and a half years ago. at the time, my best friend and her boyfriend had this roommate who they kept telling me i'd get along great with. we started talking over text (had not seen him in person as he went to school about two hours away) but he was really cool and sweet, and asked me if i wanted to meet up at starbucks for coffee as he'd be in town for the weekend. i said sure, and we planned a time to meet.
when i got there, i saw a college aged guy there, alone, with a lanyard with the name of the college my date went to. he looked a little different than the guy i was talking to in the pictures, but i've known people who look nothing like their facebook/twitter pictures before. after looking around for 30 seconds i figured it had to be him, and went and sat next to my "date," jason. i said hi, he said hi. looking back now, he did look confused. but hindsight is 20/20. we started talking. it was going quite well, a lovely date. after about half an hour, some hints were dropped that made me realize something wasn't right. he told me a story about his trip to guatemala, in the third person. things like, "jason got hit by a football"
me: ...*laughing* "wait, why are you talking in the third person? aren't you jason?"
him: ...my name is greg. zoey??"
me: no...i'm ava. who's zoey?
....
after a moment of total confusion, he texted my actual date because they were friends, who'd gone to guatemala together (hence the "third person" stories about my actual date) my date awkwardly comes in from his car, where he had been waiting the whole time. we had an awkward 3 person date, until "zoey" actually did show up and it turned into an awkward 4 person date. texted friend to told me to meet jason, to tell her what happened. was called to be laughed at for no less than 3 minutes on speaker phone.
|
made a stranger go on a date with me. mistakenly assumed my date would come in to coffee shop and not wait in car. missed several signals including third-person stories that indicated he was wrong person. was laughed at and trapped on four person date.
|
forcing a stranger to go on a date with me
|
[
"as most fuck ups, this was not today, but about",
"two and a half years ago. at the time, my best",
"friend and her boyfriend had this roommate who",
"they kept telling me i'd get along great with. we",
"started talking over text (had not seen him in",
"person as he went to school about two hours away)",
"but he was really cool and sweet, and asked me if",
"i wanted to meet up at starbucks for coffee as",
"he'd be in town for the weekend. i said sure, and",
"we planned a time to meet.",
"when i got there, i saw a college aged guy there,",
"alone, with a lanyard with the name of the",
"college my date went to. he looked a little",
"different than the guy i was talking to in the",
"pictures, but i've known people who look nothing",
"like their facebook/twitter pictures before.",
"after looking around for 30 seconds i figured it",
"had to be him, and went and sat next to my",
"\"date,\" jason. i said hi, he said hi. looking",
"back now, he did look confused. but hindsight is",
"20/20. we started talking. it was going quite",
"well, a lovely date. after about half an hour,",
"some hints were dropped that made me realize",
"something wasn't right. he told me a story about",
"his trip to guatemala, in the third person.",
"things like, \"jason got hit by a football\"",
"me: ...*laughing* \"wait, why are you talking in",
"the third person? aren't you jason?\"",
"him: ...my name is greg. zoey??\"",
"me: no...i'm ava. who's zoey?\n\n....",
"after a moment of total confusion, he texted my",
"actual date because they were friends, who'd gone",
"to guatemala together (hence the \"third person\"",
"stories about my actual date) my date awkwardly",
"comes in from his car, where he had been waiting",
"the whole time. we had an awkward 3 person date,",
"until \"zoey\" actually did show up and it turned",
"into an awkward 4 person date. texted friend to",
"told me to meet jason, to tell her what happened.",
"was called to be laughed at for no less than 3",
"minutes on speaker phone."
] |
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but he was really cool and sweet, and asked me if alone, with a lanyard with the name of the some hints were dropped that made me realize his trip to guatemala, in the third person. stories about my actual date) my date awkwardly was called to be laughed at for no less than 3
|
13 | 9 | 0.94 | 13 |
my best friend, and ex-wife - we'll call her tiffany - has been dating dave for two years. i like dave. we're all friends. a mutual friend of all of ours is kelly.
tiffany dating dave, kelly is a mutual friend. tiffany and dave recently left to see her parents in europe, the first time dave has met them.
kelly sent me a text yesterday.
*kelly: do you know??? the news???*
*me: my dad's gay?*
*kelly: some secret news about friends of ours :p*
couple hours go by.
*me: yeeeeeees?*
*kelly: gahh. i can't say anything. mutual friends big news! i'm excited!*
*me: what the fuck? are we talking about the gallery show?* (tiffany had just received news that her artwork was accepting into an art show)
*kelly: nope. it is more personal than that. i don't know if i can share it.*
*me: okay. i'll somehow go on living.*
*kelly: doubtful. it involves tiffany and dave lol.*
at this point i'm just tired of the games, so i text tiffany "are you pregnant?" to which she responds "no - why?????" then i send "are you engaged?" with her response "no - why!?!?!"
simultaneously, kelly sends me this text: *please don't say anything to tiffany, she doesn't know any of the news and it's a surprise*
so immediately i promulgate **what the fuck** because *of fucking course dave is going to propose to tiffany*, they're in her home country with her parents and they've been great together for two years, it makes perfect sense.
now i have tiffany sending me multiple "???" messages probing why i asked.
this is how that went:
*me: i'll tell you later*
*tiffany: no.... now!! what what what????? tell me? i'm able to lose cell reception!*
*me: was talking with a friend of mine just now. she was giving me astrological crap*
*tiffany: :)*
*me: i was running through a list of possible good news*
*tiffany: well, i'm flying to la for the art show! did she say you get the good news?*
*me: no, she was going on about venus being in retrograde or whatever, asked me if my gf was pregnant, if we were getting married. lovey dovey stuff, i just happened to be messaging with you so i asked you too.*
*tiffany: i don't think dave is ready to propose.*
*me: well don't stress, astrology isn't real.*
then today, after the announcement on facebook:
*tiffany: how did you know that he'll propose???*
*me: i didn't, astrology works.*
*tiffany: yay!!!*
|
i spilled the beans of a proposal to the bride-to-be, then covered it saying that astrology is why it happened. now she believes in astrology more. and i hate astrology.
|
a wedding engagement and covered it via astrology
|
[
"my best friend, and ex-wife - we'll call her",
"tiffany - has been dating dave for two years. i",
"like dave. we're all friends. a mutual friend of",
"all of ours is kelly.",
"tiffany dating dave, kelly is a mutual friend.",
"tiffany and dave recently left to see her parents",
"in europe, the first time dave has met them.",
"kelly sent me a text yesterday.",
"*kelly: do you know??? the news???*",
"*me: my dad's gay?*",
"*kelly: some secret news about friends of ours",
":p*",
"couple hours go by.\n\n*me: yeeeeeees?*",
"*kelly: gahh. i can't say anything. mutual",
"friends big news! i'm excited!*",
"*me: what the fuck? are we talking about the",
"gallery show?* (tiffany had just received news",
"that her artwork was accepting into an art show)",
"*kelly: nope. it is more personal than that. i",
"don't know if i can share it.*",
"*me: okay. i'll somehow go on living.*",
"*kelly: doubtful. it involves tiffany and dave",
"lol.*",
"at this point i'm just tired of the games, so i",
"text tiffany \"are you pregnant?\" to which she",
"responds \"no - why?????\" then i send \"are you",
"engaged?\" with her response \"no - why!?!?!\"",
"simultaneously, kelly sends me this text: *please",
"don't say anything to tiffany, she doesn't know",
"any of the news and it's a surprise*",
"so immediately i promulgate **what the fuck**",
"because *of fucking course dave is going to",
"propose to tiffany*, they're in her home country",
"with her parents and they've been great together",
"for two years, it makes perfect sense.",
"now i have tiffany sending me multiple \"???\"",
"messages probing why i asked.",
"this is how that went:",
"*me: i'll tell you later*",
"*tiffany: no.... now!! what what what????? tell",
"me? i'm able to lose cell reception!*",
"*me: was talking with a friend of mine just now.",
"she was giving me astrological crap*",
"*tiffany: :)*",
"*me: i was running through a list of possible",
"good news*",
"*tiffany: well, i'm flying to la for the art",
"show! did she say you get the good news?*",
"*me: no, she was going on about venus being in",
"retrograde or whatever, asked me if my gf was",
"pregnant, if we were getting married. lovey dovey",
"stuff, i just happened to be messaging with you",
"so i asked you too.*",
"*tiffany: i don't think dave is ready to",
"propose.*",
"*me: well don't stress, astrology isn't real.*",
"then today, after the announcement on facebook:",
"*tiffany: how did you know that he'll propose???*",
"*me: i didn't, astrology works.*",
"*tiffany: yay!!!*"
] |
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] |
*kelly: nope. it is more personal than that. i text tiffany "are you pregnant?" to which she responds "no - why?????" then i send "are you any of the news and it's a surprise*
|
10 | 3 | 0.92 | 10 |
girlfriend and her best friend richard came down for my 20th birthday party and other things. richard is a tall, attractive guy and ends up making out with everyone and things get a bit wild. by this time my flatmates have all gone to bed, probably cause they got angry at the state of the living room and are writing passive-aggressive notes reminding me to clean up in preparation of the next day.
before i go on i should explain my flatmate: i lived in a flat of four physics undergraduates in london, england but this dude didn't seem to have any life goals except bulking up. to this end he bulk buys peanut butter in jars of twenty and sweetcorn tins and baked beans (because he's also a food conspiracy theorist and vegan), and lives up to a warped code of masculinity he's conjured up in his head which means that he never initiates conversation and only responds in deadpan, expressionless short statements. he doesn't wear anything around the house except boxer shorts (probably showing off his big gains to the dishwasher). i don't really know anything about his life either because he can be sarcastic about anything but in the most unreadable way (even his reply "was that sarcastic?" sounds somewhat sarcastic and every single conversation with him feels like a continuation of that). it's way easier to imagine him as a grunt out of rise of the planet of the apes. you're walking around college and you a hunched figure by himself at a table eating a cold tin of baked beans with a spoon, and you think ah, there's rocket. there isn't a more elegant description than that.
at the party, richard gets dared to go up to rocket's room and go in, look him in the eye, and say "i wish i were you". drunk me, displaying the thought process worthy of an intelligent millipede, encourage him and say "yes, do it, he won't mind & he'll find it really funny." being a nice guy, he doesn't suspect anything, and goes upstairs to do it, except about ten people follow him. firstly, drunk people trying to be quiet whilst tramping upstairs and giggling hysterically and whispering "shhh be quiet" are about as inconspicuous as trying to sneakily slip in a cheeky finger in the bum during sex. secondly, richard doesn't know anyone here at all since he only arrived for the first time yesterday and hadn't detected/didn't know the meaning of the faint grunts from rocket's room were an indication that it was mating season and he has company. it's completely dark and richard walks in, sees the faint outline of the bed and sensually whispers "i wish i were you." in the general direction. as his eyes adjust to the dark he notices in horror rocket's naked girlfriend in the bed and naked rocket charging towards him with the fervour of one's dominance being threatened by a bigger and more attractive male. we ran as only humans could and in my memory i heard an almighty roar from the top of the stairs - a primal roar which only the state of nakedness and testosterone can unleash.
(side note: came downstairs and some girl had gatecrashed and was now sleeping naked in my bed after arranging all the frubes into a perfect circle. she wasn't horny or anything she said is was just sleepy and she could only sleep naked or something. really fucking bizarre.)
rocket comes down in boxer shorts five minutes later with glaring eyes and someone asks "are you pissed off, we're sorry." he replies "nah, just hacked off" (like wtf) "if u wanna come in, just knock next time" and leaves. he glares at me whilst eating baked beans the next day and has a seizure the next week. think it was unrelated but not sure.
|
invited girlfriend's best friend down; convince him to burst into primate flatmate's room and eye his naked girlfriend, causing him to get charged at and almost shit himself. primate then has seizure a week later due to upset of social hierarchy.
|
really pissing off gorillaesque housemate
|
[
"girlfriend and her best friend richard came down",
"for my 20th birthday party and other things.",
"richard is a tall, attractive guy and ends up",
"making out with everyone and things get a bit",
"wild. by this time my flatmates have all gone to",
"bed, probably cause they got angry at the state",
"of the living room and are writing",
"passive-aggressive notes reminding me to clean up",
"in preparation of the next day.",
"before i go on i should explain my flatmate: i",
"lived in a flat of four physics undergraduates in",
"london, england but this dude didn't seem to have",
"any life goals except bulking up. to this end he",
"bulk buys peanut butter in jars of twenty and",
"sweetcorn tins and baked beans (because he's also",
"a food conspiracy theorist and vegan), and lives",
"up to a warped code of masculinity he's conjured",
"up in his head which means that he never",
"initiates conversation and only responds in",
"deadpan, expressionless short statements. he",
"doesn't wear anything around the house except",
"boxer shorts (probably showing off his big gains",
"to the dishwasher). i don't really know anything",
"about his life either because he can be sarcastic",
"about anything but in the most unreadable way",
"(even his reply \"was that sarcastic?\" sounds",
"somewhat sarcastic and every single conversation",
"with him feels like a continuation of that). it's",
"way easier to imagine him as a grunt out of rise",
"of the planet of the apes. you're walking around",
"college and you a hunched figure by himself at a",
"table eating a cold tin of baked beans with a",
"spoon, and you think ah, there's rocket. there",
"isn't a more elegant description than that.",
"at the party, richard gets dared to go up to",
"rocket's room and go in, look him in the eye, and",
"say \"i wish i were you\". drunk me, displaying the",
"thought process worthy of an intelligent",
"millipede, encourage him and say \"yes, do it, he",
"won't mind & he'll find it really funny.\" being a",
"nice guy, he doesn't suspect anything, and goes",
"upstairs to do it, except about ten people follow",
"him. firstly, drunk people trying to be quiet",
"whilst tramping upstairs and giggling",
"hysterically and whispering \"shhh be quiet\" are",
"about as inconspicuous as trying to sneakily slip",
"in a cheeky finger in the bum during sex.",
"secondly, richard doesn't know anyone here at all",
"since he only arrived for the first time",
"yesterday and hadn't detected/didn't know the",
"meaning of the faint grunts from rocket's room",
"were an indication that it was mating season and",
"he has company. it's completely dark and richard",
"walks in, sees the faint outline of the bed and",
"sensually whispers \"i wish i were you.\" in the",
"general direction. as his eyes adjust to the dark",
"he notices in horror rocket's naked girlfriend in",
"the bed and naked rocket charging towards him",
"with the fervour of one's dominance being",
"threatened by a bigger and more attractive male.",
"we ran as only humans could and in my memory i",
"heard an almighty roar from the top of the stairs",
"- a primal roar which only the state of nakedness",
"and testosterone can unleash.",
"(side note: came downstairs and some girl had",
"gatecrashed and was now sleeping naked in my bed",
"after arranging all the frubes into a perfect",
"circle. she wasn't horny or anything she said is",
"was just sleepy and she could only sleep naked or",
"something. really fucking bizarre.)",
"rocket comes down in boxer shorts five minutes",
"later with glaring eyes and someone asks \"are you",
"pissed off, we're sorry.\" he replies \"nah, just",
"hacked off\" (like wtf) \"if u wanna come in, just",
"knock next time\" and leaves. he glares at me",
"whilst eating baked beans the next day and has a",
"seizure the next week. think it was unrelated but",
"not sure."
] |
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girlfriend and her best friend richard came down in preparation of the next day. college and you a hunched figure by himself at a rocket's room and go in, look him in the eye, and he notices in horror rocket's naked girlfriend in seizure the next week. think it was unrelated but
|
35 | 9 | 0.83 | 35 |
this tifu has been happening since friday, so that's technically when the actual fu occurred, but it wasn't until now that i realized that i had effed up.
so on thursday my mom asked me if i could babysit her new kitten for a few days while she went to the states to do some shopping. now i'm not much of a cat person, but because she claimed that daisy had such a nice personality and was so well behaved, i decided to at least give it a shot.
so on friday morning, my mom drops daisy off at my place along with a large bag full of what i assumed was what i'd need to take care of her. my mom explains how much food she gets, how to play with her and all that jazz.
friday goes by without incident. daisy is an absolute sweetheart. she did all of her business in her litter box and ate her food without a fuss. anytime i would sit down on the couch, she'd jump up and lay down on me, purring pretty much nonstop. mom told me that if daisy got restless, just take out the laser pointer and let her chase the light. and boy oh boy would she get restless. you could tell she was bored because she would sit at your feet and stare at you, occasionally batting your leg with her paw. but the two of us got around swimmingly on friday.
i woke up the next morning and started getting daisy's food ready for her. but when i called her, she didn't come. i made kissy noises and could hear her meow, but couldn't see her. so i started searching the whole place for her. i finally found her when i saw her tail was protruding from the back of my entertainment unit. she must've crawled in there somehow. i went behind the unit and followed her tail until i could grab her and pull her out. but instead of purring like she normally would, she hissed at me and slashed my arm up. well, that pissed me off, so i yanked her out of there by the scruff of her neck, only to get bitten a few times. as i'm holding her, she's hissing at me the whole time. so i put her down and let her chase the laser pointer for a while. she seemed to mellow out after that and would still come lay down on me and purr. but when i tried to turn on the ps4, to play some games, nothing happened. it took me a while to figure out, but it seemed like daisy had been chewing on the cables while she was hiding in my entertainment unit. she ended up fraying the power cord for the ps4, so i had to use the power cord from my ps3, because luckily they're interchangeable. while i was back there swapping cables, i also noticed that it reeked of ammonia and i found a bunch of claw marks on the wood, indicating that daisy peed back there and used my entertainment unit as a scratching post.
that evening, while i was browsing reddit, daisy was sitting on the arm of my chair, i thought she was looking at something on the wall, and maybe she was, because all of a sudden she jumps at my 'the last of us' poster on the wall with her claws out. she lands on it and it crumples in a heap to the floor. from the ground, she jumped up and landed right on my keyboard, but the part of my desk that holds my keyboard is not very sturdy and it collapsed when daisy landed on it. saturday night, after i was in bed, waiting to fall asleep, i could hear her caterwalling from the windowsill above me. she just sat there and kept on going for at least two hours. i think i eventually fell asleep though.
this morning, i woke up when i heard daisy purring away very close to my ear. then as i tried to open my eyes, i discovered that she was literally lying on my face. i managed to reach the laser pointer and i shone it at the floor, which made her jump down after it. so i fed her and then proceeded to examine my room for any damages she might have caused while i was sleeping. it looks like she jumped on top of my movie shelf, which became top heavy and fell forward, leaving all two hundred or so of them scattered across my floor. that i don't mind so much, because i'm a little a ocd about things like that and actually enjoy putting them all back on the shelf in alphabetical order. but she also made a run in some of my socks, knocked over my lamp, breaking two of the three light bulbs in it, and she also ripped a hole in my quilt. then, upstairs in the kitchen, she hopped on the counter and knocked down a plate and some glasses all of which shattered on impact.
so much destruction from such a tiny little kitten! next time my mom asks me to babysit daisy, i think i'll just tell her i have diarrhea...
|
babysat my mom's kitten who is basically just a little tornado that purrs.
|
babysitting a kitten.
|
[
"this tifu has been happening since friday, so",
"that's technically when the actual fu occurred,",
"but it wasn't until now that i realized that i",
"had effed up.",
"so on thursday my mom asked me if i could babysit",
"her new kitten for a few days while she went to",
"the states to do some shopping. now i'm not much",
"of a cat person, but because she claimed that",
"daisy had such a nice personality and was so well",
"behaved, i decided to at least give it a shot.",
"so on friday morning, my mom drops daisy off at",
"my place along with a large bag full of what i",
"assumed was what i'd need to take care of her. my",
"mom explains how much food she gets, how to play",
"with her and all that jazz.",
"friday goes by without incident. daisy is an",
"absolute sweetheart. she did all of her business",
"in her litter box and ate her food without a",
"fuss. anytime i would sit down on the couch,",
"she'd jump up and lay down on me, purring pretty",
"much nonstop. mom told me that if daisy got",
"restless, just take out the laser pointer and let",
"her chase the light. and boy oh boy would she get",
"restless. you could tell she was bored because",
"she would sit at your feet and stare at you,",
"occasionally batting your leg with her paw. but",
"the two of us got around swimmingly on friday.",
"i woke up the next morning and started getting",
"daisy's food ready for her. but when i called",
"her, she didn't come. i made kissy noises and",
"could hear her meow, but couldn't see her. so i",
"started searching the whole place for her. i",
"finally found her when i saw her tail was",
"protruding from the back of my entertainment",
"unit. she must've crawled in there somehow. i",
"went behind the unit and followed her tail until",
"i could grab her and pull her out. but instead of",
"purring like she normally would, she hissed at me",
"and slashed my arm up. well, that pissed me off,",
"so i yanked her out of there by the scruff of her",
"neck, only to get bitten a few times. as i'm",
"holding her, she's hissing at me the whole time.",
"so i put her down and let her chase the laser",
"pointer for a while. she seemed to mellow out",
"after that and would still come lay down on me",
"and purr. but when i tried to turn on the ps4, to",
"play some games, nothing happened. it took me a",
"while to figure out, but it seemed like daisy had",
"been chewing on the cables while she was hiding",
"in my entertainment unit. she ended up fraying",
"the power cord for the ps4, so i had to use the",
"power cord from my ps3, because luckily they're",
"interchangeable. while i was back there swapping",
"cables, i also noticed that it reeked of ammonia",
"and i found a bunch of claw marks on the wood,",
"indicating that daisy peed back there and used my",
"entertainment unit as a scratching post.",
"that evening, while i was browsing reddit, daisy",
"was sitting on the arm of my chair, i thought she",
"was looking at something on the wall, and maybe",
"she was, because all of a sudden she jumps at my",
"'the last of us' poster on the wall with her",
"claws out. she lands on it and it crumples in a",
"heap to the floor. from the ground, she jumped up",
"and landed right on my keyboard, but the part of",
"my desk that holds my keyboard is not very sturdy",
"and it collapsed when daisy landed on it.",
"saturday night, after i was in bed, waiting to",
"fall asleep, i could hear her caterwalling from",
"the windowsill above me. she just sat there and",
"kept on going for at least two hours. i think i",
"eventually fell asleep though.",
"this morning, i woke up when i heard daisy",
"purring away very close to my ear. then as i",
"tried to open my eyes, i discovered that she was",
"literally lying on my face. i managed to reach",
"the laser pointer and i shone it at the floor,",
"which made her jump down after it. so i fed her",
"and then proceeded to examine my room for any",
"damages she might have caused while i was",
"sleeping. it looks like she jumped on top of my",
"movie shelf, which became top heavy and fell",
"forward, leaving all two hundred or so of them",
"scattered across my floor. that i don't mind so",
"much, because i'm a little a ocd about things",
"like that and actually enjoy putting them all",
"back on the shelf in alphabetical order. but she",
"also made a run in some of my socks, knocked over",
"my lamp, breaking two of the three light bulbs in",
"it, and she also ripped a hole in my quilt. then,",
"upstairs in the kitchen, she hopped on the",
"counter and knocked down a plate and some glasses",
"all of which shattered on impact.",
"so much destruction from such a tiny little",
"kitten! next time my mom asks me to babysit",
"daisy, i think i'll just tell her i have",
"diarrhea..."
] |
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my desk that holds my keyboard is not very sturdy much, because i'm a little a ocd about things
|
7 | 8 | 0.76 | 7 |
so i'll give you guys every little detail (well not all of them)... er let's call her gina. so gina and i met at church camp about mid february and were friends for about 3 months. well this turned into a case of young love. the i miss yous and wow so cute and all that fun stuff that makes you warm and fuzzy inside. so fast foward to a week before camp 2 out of 3 comes along. our relationship beautifully blossoms into fwb texts at night become a bit intimate ya know no biggy. we go to camp it's a week long and we are both staff we had our phones so everyother night we snuck off into the meadow the first night spooning and making out. i'm thinking "this is great, she's an amazing kisser wonder what else she's good at." so the next night we were together same thing same spot spooning and about to start something and along walks my brother and my friend we get up like nothing was happening yet and they laugh and tell us about another camp couple that they found twice in the middle of something in the most obvious spot ever. they gave props to me as she was a babe and to finding a good spot. we do some dry humping that night and shes loving all of it but now i'm blue balled and she won't finish the job so now i'm thinking "great i've blue balls and she's not down for that looks like i'll have to sleep this one off." last night of camp we got together again and went to a different spot in the woods and did more than the previous two nights. man it was great but no condom meant no sex. now i'm thinking "next camp i'm bringing condoms." texts after camp got way more intimate and we had tons of fun. well fast forward to last camp a week ago today. we hung out most of the camp and got pretty close. at this point she wants me to ask her out and i'm holding off because there is a 60 mile gap between us. well we went on a hike with that same friend and another we hiked up to the cliff that overlooks the camp we sit there for a while with her in my arms. i get a bright idea to go off and do our thing so i tell the friends hey we are going to be back let us know if you go down. they know and they are cool with it so we makeout for a bit. end of camp comes and i'm going home with my friend it's an hour and a half drive so we stop to eat with one of the youth ministers from the camp and two other mutual friends and gina and her parents. we live in california and her parents are from the south they're super cool. well this week progresses and things get super intimate throughout the week last night being my favorite experience over the phone. but here is where we both fuck up. she screenshoted some pics that showed all and never deleted any texts so boom our entire relationship in a long descriptive novella. well after last night's convo i crashed well right after her mom storms in and takes her phone and goes through everything. gives her lecture about sexting and she should cut me off and all that stuff a mom does after she sees pics and texts. boom i went from being a sweet cute guy to devil spawn real quick.
go team
|
goes from great guy in parents perspective to devil spawn in a matter of seconds because of a few picks and a novel of our love life scattered across snapchat and skype
|
sexting
|
[
"so i'll give you guys every little detail (well",
"not all of them)... er let's call her gina. so",
"gina and i met at church camp about mid february",
"and were friends for about 3 months. well this",
"turned into a case of young love. the i miss yous",
"and wow so cute and all that fun stuff that makes",
"you warm and fuzzy inside. so fast foward to a",
"week before camp 2 out of 3 comes along. our",
"relationship beautifully blossoms into fwb texts",
"at night become a bit intimate ya know no biggy.",
"we go to camp it's a week long and we are both",
"staff we had our phones so everyother night we",
"snuck off into the meadow the first night",
"spooning and making out. i'm thinking \"this is",
"great, she's an amazing kisser wonder what else",
"she's good at.\" so the next night we were",
"together same thing same spot spooning and about",
"to start something and along walks my brother and",
"my friend we get up like nothing was happening",
"yet and they laugh and tell us about another camp",
"couple that they found twice in the middle of",
"something in the most obvious spot ever. they",
"gave props to me as she was a babe and to finding",
"a good spot. we do some dry humping that night",
"and shes loving all of it but now i'm blue balled",
"and she won't finish the job so now i'm thinking",
"\"great i've blue balls and she's not down for",
"that looks like i'll have to sleep this one off.\"",
"last night of camp we got together again and went",
"to a different spot in the woods and did more",
"than the previous two nights. man it was great",
"but no condom meant no sex. now i'm thinking",
"\"next camp i'm bringing condoms.\" texts after",
"camp got way more intimate and we had tons of",
"fun. well fast forward to last camp a week ago",
"today. we hung out most of the camp and got",
"pretty close. at this point she wants me to ask",
"her out and i'm holding off because there is a 60",
"mile gap between us. well we went on a hike with",
"that same friend and another we hiked up to the",
"cliff that overlooks the camp we sit there for a",
"while with her in my arms. i get a bright idea to",
"go off and do our thing so i tell the friends hey",
"we are going to be back let us know if you go",
"down. they know and they are cool with it so we",
"makeout for a bit. end of camp comes and i'm",
"going home with my friend it's an hour and a half",
"drive so we stop to eat with one of the youth",
"ministers from the camp and two other mutual",
"friends and gina and her parents. we live in",
"california and her parents are from the south",
"they're super cool. well this week progresses and",
"things get super intimate throughout the week",
"last night being my favorite experience over the",
"phone. but here is where we both fuck up. she",
"screenshoted some pics that showed all and never",
"deleted any texts so boom our entire relationship",
"in a long descriptive novella. well after last",
"night's convo i crashed well right after her mom",
"storms in and takes her phone and goes through",
"everything. gives her lecture about sexting and",
"she should cut me off and all that stuff a mom",
"does after she sees pics and texts. boom i went",
"from being a sweet cute guy to devil spawn real",
"quick.",
"go team"
] |
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friends and gina and her parents. we live in from being a sweet cute guy to devil spawn real
|
0 | 0 | 0.4 | 0 |
happened a couple of hours ago.
we brought our 4 (almost 5) year old boy to the cinema. i had the tickets on my phone and showed them when entering. i then put the phone in the pocket of my hoodie, and not my pant pocket like i usually do.
we watched the movie (minions, fun for all) and leave the cinema. after driving to my mother in law who watched our 5 month old girl i realize t my phone is not on me. thankfully i have "find my iphone" activated and locked my phone, put up a message and tried calling it. no answer.
i borrowed my wifes phone, got in the car and drove to the cinema. i arrived just before the next screening started. the nice people sitting there checked. no phone! i use the "find my iphone" and play a sound, twice. it's not there. crap!
then someone from the cinema calls me from my phone and tell me it's at the ticket office.
|
used the wrong pocket for my phone and lost it at the cinema. found it using "find my iphone".
|
using the wrong pocket
|
[
"happened a couple of hours ago.",
"we brought our 4 (almost 5) year old boy to the",
"cinema. i had the tickets on my phone and showed",
"them when entering. i then put the phone in the",
"pocket of my hoodie, and not my pant pocket like",
"i usually do.",
"we watched the movie (minions, fun for all) and",
"leave the cinema. after driving to my mother in",
"law who watched our 5 month old girl i realize t",
"my phone is not on me. thankfully i have \"find my",
"iphone\" activated and locked my phone, put up a",
"message and tried calling it. no answer.",
"i borrowed my wifes phone, got in the car and",
"drove to the cinema. i arrived just before the",
"next screening started. the nice people sitting",
"there checked. no phone! i use the \"find my",
"iphone\" and play a sound, twice. it's not there.",
"crap!",
"then someone from the cinema calls me from my",
"phone and tell me it's at the ticket office."
] |
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] |
my phone is not on me. thankfully i have "find my phone and tell me it's at the ticket office.
|
84 | 32 | 0.9 | 84 |
my girlfriend and i have have been dating for close to 5 years. we spice it up in bed, a lot. lately we've gotten into some light bondage and choking. we're on a weekend trip. we did a bit of drinking last night.
normal sexual activity ensues, she guides my hand to her throat. i'm down. then she's like "slap me".... uhhhh okay. give her a slight slap.... then she says "harder". okay a little harder. then she screams "fucking harder", at this point i pull my hand back and fling it forward.
unfortunately my aim is slightly off... and she screams in pain. i pull out stand up and immediately apologize. she's holding her hands up to her face.... and is crying. i ask if she's okay, she screams "you hit my eye!!!".... she couldn't see, we went to the er. i scratched her cornea.... hoping it goes away, but doctors are unsure.
|
had sex and she might be blind.
|
having rough sex
|
[
"my girlfriend and i have have been dating for",
"close to 5 years. we spice it up in bed, a lot.",
"lately we've gotten into some light bondage and",
"choking. we're on a weekend trip. we did a bit of",
"drinking last night.",
"normal sexual activity ensues, she guides my hand",
"to her throat. i'm down. then she's like \"slap",
"me\".... uhhhh okay. give her a slight slap....",
"then she says \"harder\". okay a little harder.",
"then she screams \"fucking harder\", at this point",
"i pull my hand back and fling it forward.",
"unfortunately my aim is slightly off... and she",
"screams in pain. i pull out stand up and",
"immediately apologize. she's holding her hands up",
"to her face.... and is crying. i ask if she's",
"okay, she screams \"you hit my eye!!!\".... she",
"couldn't see, we went to the er. i scratched her",
"cornea.... hoping it goes away, but doctors are",
"unsure."
] |
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unfortunately my aim is slightly off... and she
|
12 | 3 | 0.86 | 12 |
we were doing some baking while talking about movies when my partner realized we didn't have enough eggs so she ran out to get some and i got the great idea to reenact one of those cliche movie scenes where someone sits in the dark waiting for someone to return. the plan was to take one of the dining room chairs and move it into the living room area, placing it at an appropriate angle (so that i'd be mostly perpendicular to her when she walked in the door) and then just play with my phone in the darkness until she returned.
i sat there for about 20 minutes before i started giggling on and off. the anticipation was too much for me, and when i finally heard her car pull into the driveway i started giggling uncontrollably the dumbest sounding giggle of my entire life (it was a deep, bassy sound like "uhuu hu huuu huhuuu". i tried desperately to quash it, but it wouldn't be suppressed and so that was how she found me.
in the dark, sitting on a chair from our dining room, facing our couch, giggling like a dullard.
the plan was completely fubar at this point and i wanted desperately to explain that i was just trying to have some fun but at this point all the breath is gone from my lungs and my giggling has turned into a drawn out wheeze. i start seeing stars from the painful strain of my unstoppable laughter, and when i finally manage to gulp some air down, the sudden loss of pressure causes my bowels to move. i start tooting a long stream of very short farts, timed to my ongoing wheezes.
very wet toots, on a cushioned chair, that i don't own, that comes as part of a set of six chairs.
i cleaned everything up and she accepted my explanation for my actions, but it's all very fresh so hopefully she can shake the image i granted her. i would hope i could do it if the tables were reversed.
|
my gf ran a quick errand, i tried to be cute recreating one of those dramatic "sitting in the dark waiting for cheating spouse or delinquent child to get home late" scenes since i thought it would be easy and fun, laughed uncontrollably at my own genius and my gf walked in on me laughing in the dark and i had a wet bm on a chair that i suspect will have to be replaced along with five others in it's set.
|
destroying rental furnishings and perhaps my so's respect
|
[
"we were doing some baking while talking about",
"movies when my partner realized we didn't have",
"enough eggs so she ran out to get some and i got",
"the great idea to reenact one of those cliche",
"movie scenes where someone sits in the dark",
"waiting for someone to return. the plan was to",
"take one of the dining room chairs and move it",
"into the living room area, placing it at an",
"appropriate angle (so that i'd be mostly",
"perpendicular to her when she walked in the door)",
"and then just play with my phone in the darkness",
"until she returned.",
"i sat there for about 20 minutes before i started",
"giggling on and off. the anticipation was too",
"much for me, and when i finally heard her car",
"pull into the driveway i started giggling",
"uncontrollably the dumbest sounding giggle of my",
"entire life (it was a deep, bassy sound like",
"\"uhuu hu huuu huhuuu\". i tried desperately to",
"quash it, but it wouldn't be suppressed and so",
"that was how she found me.",
"in the dark, sitting on a chair from our dining",
"room, facing our couch, giggling like a dullard.",
"the plan was completely fubar at this point and i",
"wanted desperately to explain that i was just",
"trying to have some fun but at this point all the",
"breath is gone from my lungs and my giggling has",
"turned into a drawn out wheeze. i start seeing",
"stars from the painful strain of my unstoppable",
"laughter, and when i finally manage to gulp some",
"air down, the sudden loss of pressure causes my",
"bowels to move. i start tooting a long stream of",
"very short farts, timed to my ongoing wheezes.",
"very wet toots, on a cushioned chair, that i",
"don't own, that comes as part of a set of six",
"chairs.",
"i cleaned everything up and she accepted my",
"explanation for my actions, but it's all very",
"fresh so hopefully she can shake the image i",
"granted her. i would hope i could do it if the",
"tables were reversed."
] |
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enough eggs so she ran out to get some and i got the great idea to reenact one of those cliche waiting for someone to return. the plan was to perpendicular to her when she walked in the door) quash it, but it wouldn't be suppressed and so in the dark, sitting on a chair from our dining trying to have some fun but at this point all the very wet toots, on a cushioned chair, that i explanation for my actions, but it's all very
|
65 | 11 | 0.86 | 65 |
ok this happened yesterday and i am only posting it because my fiance does not have a reddit account (i am working on it, she is subscribed to mandatory so yeah, baby steps) and i have "*explicit permission*" from said fiance to post this in her first person, as it was told to me. so i hope you enjoy this as much as i did.
i walked in the back to clock in, and after i did, i realize there was money on the ground - 2 dollars but still, not my money and $2 is still $2. i ask everyone in the back if they had seen anyone come in recently as i had not seen the money on the floor as i went in to clock in, i saw it *after*.
i must have asked 30 people - "is this *your* money?" - finally i decided to go turn it into the manager's office in case anyone lost it. i go in, give the $2 to one of the assistant managers and told her i had asked almost everyone if it was theirs and everyone said no & even if it was just 2 bucks i couldn't keep it because it wasn't my money.
i turn and walk out of the office. about 6 feet down the hallway it hits me: i had just come off break (where i had walked over to the nearby subway and had a combo meal) and *that was *my* $2 i had gotten back as change from my sammich!!! i had just turned in *my own money* to the lost and found after pretty loudly stating that it wasn't my money and "if it were me, i would hope someone would turn it in"...
i didn't go back. i will never tell them that was my 2 dollars. at least it wasn't a *too costly* lesson. i also realized how honest my co-workers are :)
edit: contextual words
|
found money, looked for money's owner frantically, turn money into the office, after leaving office realize the money was actually mine. can't go back because shame, yall.
|
being too honest
|
[
"ok this happened yesterday and i am only posting",
"it because my fiance does not have a reddit",
"account (i am working on it, she is subscribed to",
"mandatory so yeah, baby steps) and i have",
"\"*explicit permission*\" from said fiance to post",
"this in her first person, as it was told to me.",
"so i hope you enjoy this as much as i did.",
"i walked in the back to clock in, and after i",
"did, i realize there was money on the ground - 2",
"dollars but still, not my money and $2 is still",
"$2. i ask everyone in the back if they had seen",
"anyone come in recently as i had not seen the",
"money on the floor as i went in to clock in, i",
"saw it *after*.",
"i must have asked 30 people - \"is this *your*",
"money?\" - finally i decided to go turn it into",
"the manager's office in case anyone lost it. i go",
"in, give the $2 to one of the assistant managers",
"and told her i had asked almost everyone if it",
"was theirs and everyone said no & even if it was",
"just 2 bucks i couldn't keep it because it wasn't",
"my money.",
"i turn and walk out of the office. about 6 feet",
"down the hallway it hits me: i had just come off",
"break (where i had walked over to the nearby",
"subway and had a combo meal) and *that was *my*",
"$2 i had gotten back as change from my sammich!!!",
"i had just turned in *my own money* to the lost",
"and found after pretty loudly stating that it",
"wasn't my money and \"if it were me, i would hope",
"someone would turn it in\"...",
"i didn't go back. i will never tell them that was",
"my 2 dollars. at least it wasn't a *too costly*",
"lesson. i also realized how honest my co-workers",
"are :)",
"edit: contextual words"
] |
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money?" - finally i decided to go turn it into i turn and walk out of the office. about 6 feet and found after pretty loudly stating that it i didn't go back. i will never tell them that was
|
7 | 3 | 0.82 | 7 |
yesterday, i got an early text from my friend asking him to take him to work. he doesn't have a car at the moment, and his mom was stuck at work and couldn't bring him over on time. i've given him lots of rides, mostly to school or band or whenever we hang out so of course i said yes.
he gets in the car, and everything is completely normal. we start talking about whatever, and he tells me to drop him off at the target on 119th st. i assume that it's the one by the movie theater that we go to, and don't ask another question. i drop him off, and he walks in.
five minutes later, i'm down the road on my way to wash my car, and my friend calls, and he says,
"can you come pick me up? this is the wrong target."
it turns out, there is actually a target further north, and since he never drives, he didn't really notice anything odd. he's also a bit off sometimes so that explains why he didn't notice the obviously different exterior of the store.
anyways, i drive back to get him, and he explains that the layout of the stores are the same, except for getting back into the employee area. this is when it started to seem odd to him, but again, i still can't believe that he had no idea where he was at.
he's already late to work, so he calls his manager, and i start driving north on 119th towards where i *think* the other target is. i'm getting closer and closer to state line, which is worrisome because i definitely know he works in kansas, not missouri. anyways, we cross blue valley parkway and he goes, "wait, the target is over there," pointing across the highway. i've only had my driver's license for about a year, and almost no highway hours, so i start freaking out and trying to find a different way to get to target.
i finally manage to, and he's 30 minutes late, when he could have easily only been 10 minutes or not late at all, had he actually specified which target he worked at. he even had the audacity to blame me for this event (i took it to claim ownership over the tifu) but i guess he was just really embarrassed.
|
friend didn't tell me which target he worked at, i drove to wrong one and made him late.**
|
dropping my friend off at the wrong target
|
[
"yesterday, i got an early text from my friend",
"asking him to take him to work. he doesn't have",
"a car at the moment, and his mom was stuck at",
"work and couldn't bring him over on time. i've",
"given him lots of rides, mostly to school or band",
"or whenever we hang out so of course i said yes.",
"he gets in the car, and everything is completely",
"normal. we start talking about whatever, and he",
"tells me to drop him off at the target on 119th",
"st. i assume that it's the one by the movie",
"theater that we go to, and don't ask another",
"question. i drop him off, and he walks in.",
"five minutes later, i'm down the road on my way",
"to wash my car, and my friend calls, and he says,",
"\"can you come pick me up? this is the wrong",
"target.\"",
"it turns out, there is actually a target further",
"north, and since he never drives, he didn't",
"really notice anything odd. he's also a bit off",
"sometimes so that explains why he didn't notice",
"the obviously different exterior of the store.",
"anyways, i drive back to get him, and he explains",
"that the layout of the stores are the same,",
"except for getting back into the employee area.",
"this is when it started to seem odd to him, but",
"again, i still can't believe that he had no idea",
"where he was at.",
"he's already late to work, so he calls his",
"manager, and i start driving north on 119th",
"towards where i *think* the other target is. i'm",
"getting closer and closer to state line, which is",
"worrisome because i definitely know he works in",
"kansas, not missouri. anyways, we cross blue",
"valley parkway and he goes, \"wait, the target is",
"over there,\" pointing across the highway. i've",
"only had my driver's license for about a year,",
"and almost no highway hours, so i start freaking",
"out and trying to find a different way to get to",
"target.",
"i finally manage to, and he's 30 minutes late,",
"when he could have easily only been 10 minutes or",
"not late at all, had he actually specified which",
"target he worked at. he even had the audacity to",
"blame me for this event (i took it to claim",
"ownership over the tifu) but i guess he was just",
"really embarrassed."
] |
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] |
question. i drop him off, and he walks in. target he worked at. he even had the audacity to
|
1 | 0 | 0.67 | 1 |
so this happened tuesday. i was at work (construction), and i saw two packs of crackers on the table where the blueprints were. being the greedy person i am, i asked the supervisor whose they were, and he replied that they didn't belong to anyone to his knowledge. i gleefully walk over to the table and begin to rip the packaging open. i stuff three crackers into my mouth, and i immediately know something is wrong.
these crackers taste strongly of an adhesive that they used in this building. instead of immediately throwing the crackers away, i made the assumption that having my mouth open around the work area caused me to breathe in some of the fumes, but by the time i'm finishing the last one i know i've made a grave mistake.
fast forward ~4 hours, and i'm home. my stomach is hurting slightly, but i hope that eating my dinner will help calm it, and this turns out to be the case. feeling fine at this juncture, i decide to go for a walk. i live in the sticks, so there are no real neighbors.
about 15 minutes later, i feel a fart coming on. no problem, i go ahead and let 'er rip, but it's one of those 5% gas, 95% liquid farts. a shart if you will. luckily it wasn't too bad, but it's become apparent to me that a poo is imminent. i start walking back to the house. in the matter of 30 seconds, my condition has gone from "oh i should poop soon" to "ok, this is serious *starts walking briskly*."
i decide that running is the best course of action at this point. my innards quickly let me know this is a bad idea. ok, back to speed walking. i'm having to really focus on not letting anything exit my butthole at this point. after awhile, i'm fairly close to the house. it's pretty bad now, so i begin running again, and i'm not taking trails anymore, i'm running straight through underbrush. i stop about twenty feet from my yard, and like a man whose head has just been covered at the gallows, i know my fate is sealed. i will not make it to the house. but there is now a primal urge to evacuate my bowels that is overriding all other thoughts.
i slow down and stop. no point denying it; i'm gonna shit here, it's just a question of if it's in my pants or on the ground. i elect for the latter. i undo my belt, pull the old trousers down and assume the position that so many of my ancestors did, perhaps on this same soil. it is explosive and euphoric. i would describe the feeling as akin to that of vomiting; it's terrible before but great after.
now that i have my bearings straight, i realize my next immediate problem: wiping. i take off my t-shirt and do what must be done, then unceremoniously throw it on the ground. sweating and ruddy-faced, i pull up my pants and walk back into the house.
|
ate some chemically contaminated crackers and they caused me to almost poop my pants.
|
eating some crackers
|
[
"so this happened tuesday. i was at work",
"(construction), and i saw two packs of crackers",
"on the table where the blueprints were. being",
"the greedy person i am, i asked the supervisor",
"whose they were, and he replied that they didn't",
"belong to anyone to his knowledge. i gleefully",
"walk over to the table and begin to rip the",
"packaging open. i stuff three crackers into my",
"mouth, and i immediately know something is wrong.",
"these crackers taste strongly of an adhesive that",
"they used in this building. instead of",
"immediately throwing the crackers away, i made",
"the assumption that having my mouth open around",
"the work area caused me to breathe in some of the",
"fumes, but by the time i'm finishing the last one",
"i know i've made a grave mistake.",
"fast forward ~4 hours, and i'm home. my stomach",
"is hurting slightly, but i hope that eating my",
"dinner will help calm it, and this turns out to",
"be the case. feeling fine at this juncture, i",
"decide to go for a walk. i live in the sticks,",
"so there are no real neighbors.",
"about 15 minutes later, i feel a fart coming on.",
"no problem, i go ahead and let 'er rip, but it's",
"one of those 5% gas, 95% liquid farts. a shart",
"if you will. luckily it wasn't too bad, but it's",
"become apparent to me that a poo is imminent. i",
"start walking back to the house. in the matter",
"of 30 seconds, my condition has gone from \"oh i",
"should poop soon\" to \"ok, this is serious *starts",
"walking briskly*.\"",
"i decide that running is the best course of",
"action at this point. my innards quickly let me",
"know this is a bad idea. ok, back to speed",
"walking. i'm having to really focus on not",
"letting anything exit my butthole at this point.",
"after awhile, i'm fairly close to the house.",
"it's pretty bad now, so i begin running again,",
"and i'm not taking trails anymore, i'm running",
"straight through underbrush. i stop about twenty",
"feet from my yard, and like a man whose head has",
"just been covered at the gallows, i know my fate",
"is sealed. i will not make it to the house. but",
"there is now a primal urge to evacuate my bowels",
"that is overriding all other thoughts.",
"i slow down and stop. no point denying it; i'm",
"gonna shit here, it's just a question of if it's",
"in my pants or on the ground. i elect for the",
"latter. i undo my belt, pull the old trousers",
"down and assume the position that so many of my",
"ancestors did, perhaps on this same soil. it is",
"explosive and euphoric. i would describe the",
"feeling as akin to that of vomiting; it's",
"terrible before but great after.",
"now that i have my bearings straight, i realize",
"my next immediate problem: wiping. i take off my",
"t-shirt and do what must be done, then",
"unceremoniously throw it on the ground. sweating",
"and ruddy-faced, i pull up my pants and walk back",
"into the house."
] |
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the work area caused me to breathe in some of the and ruddy-faced, i pull up my pants and walk back
|
43 | 14 | 0.94 | 43 |
didn't happen to me today yada yada yada, but i will preface this by saying i'm not dumb (definitely immature though for being in my late 20s.) i'm usually pretty logical and saftey driven. that said i still dick off now and again. i work as a building superintendent/ maintenance supervisor which suits my skill set fairly well, i'm definitely a jack of all trades (master of none).
i've never really done a lot of landscaping but i'm very familiar with power tools and automotive tools, so gas powered outdoor tools (chainsaws, leaf blowers and the almighty weed whacker) have been an interest as of late.
it starts one day when i have nothing really to do inside so i get out a brand new weed whacker to take care of some unruly weeds. there is something strangely satisfying about annihilating some 3 foot tall weeds and watching them fall over defeated. so i'm outside for an hour give or take and i'm having a blast! laughing having a good old time then i notice a fresh pile of dog poop and thought it would be hilarious to intentionally hit it with the weed whacker. high on destruction i aim right for it and the gravity of the situation doesn't hit me until right as the line spinning at like 10,000 rpm touches. luckily i closed my mouth because what i can only describe as a dog shit hand grenade goes off.
so there i stand stunned covered in dog shit, thinking to myself "what did you think was going to happen!" it went from happy fun times to not in .25 seconds, and then i got to spend the rest of the afternoon cleaning dog poo off my boots, pants, saftey glasses and myself.
|
thought it would be funny to hit dog poop with a weed whacker. it was not.
|
dog poop + weed whacker
|
[
"didn't happen to me today yada yada yada, but i",
"will preface this by saying i'm not dumb",
"(definitely immature though for being in my late",
"20s.) i'm usually pretty logical and saftey",
"driven. that said i still dick off now and again.",
"i work as a building superintendent/ maintenance",
"supervisor which suits my skill set fairly well,",
"i'm definitely a jack of all trades (master of",
"none).",
"i've never really done a lot of landscaping but",
"i'm very familiar with power tools and automotive",
"tools, so gas powered outdoor tools (chainsaws,",
"leaf blowers and the almighty weed whacker) have",
"been an interest as of late.",
"it starts one day when i have nothing really to",
"do inside so i get out a brand new weed whacker",
"to take care of some unruly weeds. there is",
"something strangely satisfying about annihilating",
"some 3 foot tall weeds and watching them fall",
"over defeated. so i'm outside for an hour give or",
"take and i'm having a blast! laughing having a",
"good old time then i notice a fresh pile of dog",
"poop and thought it would be hilarious to",
"intentionally hit it with the weed whacker. high",
"on destruction i aim right for it and the gravity",
"of the situation doesn't hit me until right as",
"the line spinning at like 10,000 rpm touches.",
"luckily i closed my mouth because what i can only",
"describe as a dog shit hand grenade goes off.",
"so there i stand stunned covered in dog shit,",
"thinking to myself \"what did you think was going",
"to happen!\" it went from happy fun times to not",
"in .25 seconds, and then i got to spend the rest",
"of the afternoon cleaning dog poo off my boots,",
"pants, saftey glasses and myself."
] |
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poop and thought it would be hilarious to intentionally hit it with the weed whacker. high
|
72 | 17 | 0.95 | 72 |
[this story of a guy who fu by calling a locksmith](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/3enciw/tifu_by_calling_a_locksmith_when_i_was_locked_out/) reminded me of my own tifu involving a locked car. this happened several years ago but i'm still going to post it...
i had just started traveling for business and i was in some random midwest state for a 2-day visit with a customer. fly in, rental car, hotel, customer, dinner, hotel, customer, airport , home. two things are important to this story:
* my rental car was a white, two-door pontiac
* it was late fall, almost winter, the weather was getting cold and there had been an overnight freeze/frost that hit the area
so...i wake up the morning of my customer visit and head out to my rental car. put the key in the lock to unlock it...key won't turn. the first thing i think is "great, the lock is frozen." why i thought this, i don't know...but it sets me up for the fu.
i decide that, since the lock is frozen, i'll just unfreeze it. go back io my room, grab the ice bucket, fill it with hot water. proceed to dump it on the car window, hoping that it will get on the lock mechanism and warm it up so i can open it. try keys again. no joy. go get another bucket of hot water and repeat. still no joy.
as i'm walking out into the parking lot with my 3rd ice bucket full of hot water, i look across the parking lot. "wow, another white 2-door rental pontiac. what are the chances?"
a light bulb goes on. i walk over to the *other* car, stick in my key...voila. it opens. i glance around...nothing to do here!...and i skedaddle out of the lot as quickly as i can before anyone sees me.
|
i spent 30 minutes or so dumping hot water on a rental car that wasn't mine, to unfreeze a lock that wasn't frozen. great move, einstein.
|
trying to unfreeze the locks on a rental car
|
[
"[this story of a guy who fu by calling a",
"locksmith](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments",
"/3enciw/tifu_by_calling_a_locksmith_when_i_was_loc",
"ked_out/)",
"reminded me of my own tifu involving a locked",
"car. this happened several years ago but i'm",
"still going to post it...",
"i had just started traveling for business and i",
"was in some random midwest state for a 2-day",
"visit with a customer. fly in, rental car, hotel,",
"customer, dinner, hotel, customer, airport ,",
"home. two things are important to this story:",
"* my rental car was a white, two-door pontiac",
"* it was late fall, almost winter, the weather",
"was getting cold and there had been an overnight",
"freeze/frost that hit the area",
"so...i wake up the morning of my customer visit",
"and head out to my rental car. put the key in the",
"lock to unlock it...key won't turn. the first",
"thing i think is \"great, the lock is frozen.\" why",
"i thought this, i don't know...but it sets me up",
"for the fu.",
"i decide that, since the lock is frozen, i'll",
"just unfreeze it. go back io my room, grab the",
"ice bucket, fill it with hot water. proceed to",
"dump it on the car window, hoping that it will",
"get on the lock mechanism and warm it up so i can",
"open it. try keys again. no joy. go get another",
"bucket of hot water and repeat. still no joy.",
"as i'm walking out into the parking lot with my",
"3rd ice bucket full of hot water, i look across",
"the parking lot. \"wow, another white 2-door",
"rental pontiac. what are the chances?\"",
"a light bulb goes on. i walk over to the *other*",
"car, stick in my key...voila. it opens. i glance",
"around...nothing to do here!...and i skedaddle",
"out of the lot as quickly as i can before anyone",
"sees me."
] |
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* my rental car was a white, two-door pontiac i decide that, since the lock is frozen, i'll ice bucket, fill it with hot water. proceed to
|
2 | 8 | 0.75 | 2 |
now, this obviously didn't happen today. or even this decade ago. it happened back when dial up was still fairly rare in the home, the best shows on tv were dexter's lab, johhny bravo, cow and chicken and i am weasel, to name a few, and there's me, a 1-2 year old boy. and because of my age, most of this stuff is from 3rd hand infomation, because fuck if i remember that far back.
now, because of my pyloric stenosis, i could eat, but i couldn't properly "digest" my food. being my mothers first (well, technically second, but i'd rather not talk about it), she was really worried with how often i would be sick after eating, so she took me to the doctors about it. there was one doctor who said that i wasn't right, and they had to do something and another who was saying i was fine. they ended up arguing about it, and mid-argument, it hit. projectile vomit, a hell of a thing to see, right from a kid who couldn't be more than two. and the best bit? the guy who said i was fine was caught in it. had to go home and get changed.
if you don't believe me, i can update with the pic of the scar i still have from the op that soon followed.
|
sometimes the best way to get shit done is to puke over your opponents.
|
being born with pyloric stenosis [nsfw]
|
[
"now, this obviously didn't happen today. or even",
"this decade ago. it happened back when dial up",
"was still fairly rare in the home, the best shows",
"on tv were dexter's lab, johhny bravo, cow and",
"chicken and i am weasel, to name a few, and",
"there's me, a 1-2 year old boy. and because of my",
"age, most of this stuff is from 3rd hand",
"infomation, because fuck if i remember that far",
"back.",
"now, because of my pyloric stenosis, i could eat,",
"but i couldn't properly \"digest\" my food. being",
"my mothers first (well, technically second, but",
"i'd rather not talk about it), she was really",
"worried with how often i would be sick after",
"eating, so she took me to the doctors about it.",
"there was one doctor who said that i wasn't",
"right, and they had to do something and another",
"who was saying i was fine. they ended up arguing",
"about it, and mid-argument, it hit. projectile",
"vomit, a hell of a thing to see, right from a kid",
"who couldn't be more than two. and the best bit?",
"the guy who said i was fine was caught in it. had",
"to go home and get changed.",
"if you don't believe me, i can update with the",
"pic of the scar i still have from the op that",
"soon followed."
] |
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was still fairly rare in the home, the best shows to go home and get changed.
|
0 | 4 | 0.44 | 0 |
so this happened around two weeks ago. i had just bought my beautiful new galaxy s6 edge and i brought it to school, proudly.
i went to maths class with my phone in my pocket and gracefully put it on my table. we have assigned seating, i'm next to this smoking hot girl, i'd consider us friends.
suddenly, she grabs my s6 edge and starts playing on it, i don't have a passcode so she goes into my messages and photos and stuff. whenever a girl annoys me, i'll always give a light tug on their hair, not enough to hurt them, just to annoy them.
this girl has her hair out, it's super long and shiny, so boys at my school are attracted to it like gollum to his precious. they always wack at it and stick pencils in it, so her natural reflex now is to shake her head and wack them away.
i grab her hair into a pony and start wagging it around jokingly. she starts laughing and wacking my hand away, phone still in her beautiful hands and accidentally manages to drop it.
my beautiful new phone, held by a beautiful girl, tumbles to the ground and it's screen shatters into a 1000000 pieces. the screen turns black, the phone gets **super** boiling hot and we both look on in horror.
i tell her not to worry about it because i can't bring myself to make someone that gorgeous pay (i know i'm shallow) and end up forking over $300 to a repair shop.
|
hot girl started looking through my new phone, i grabbed her hair, she wacked my hand away, dropped and shattered it.**
|
leaving my new phone unattended and annoying the thief
|
[
"so this happened around two weeks ago. i had just",
"bought my beautiful new galaxy s6 edge and i",
"brought it to school, proudly.",
"i went to maths class with my phone in my pocket",
"and gracefully put it on my table. we have",
"assigned seating, i'm next to this smoking hot",
"girl, i'd consider us friends.",
"suddenly, she grabs my s6 edge and starts playing",
"on it, i don't have a passcode so she goes into",
"my messages and photos and stuff. whenever a girl",
"annoys me, i'll always give a light tug on their",
"hair, not enough to hurt them, just to annoy",
"them.",
"this girl has her hair out, it's super long and",
"shiny, so boys at my school are attracted to it",
"like gollum to his precious. they always wack at",
"it and stick pencils in it, so her natural reflex",
"now is to shake her head and wack them away.",
"i grab her hair into a pony and start wagging it",
"around jokingly. she starts laughing and wacking",
"my hand away, phone still in her beautiful hands",
"and accidentally manages to drop it.",
"my beautiful new phone, held by a beautiful girl,",
"tumbles to the ground and it's screen shatters",
"into a 1000000 pieces. the screen turns black,",
"the phone gets **super** boiling hot and we both",
"look on in horror.",
"i tell her not to worry about it because i can't",
"bring myself to make someone that gorgeous pay (i",
"know i'm shallow) and end up forking over $300 to",
"a repair shop."
] |
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i grab her hair into a pony and start wagging it my hand away, phone still in her beautiful hands my beautiful new phone, held by a beautiful girl,
|
293 | 95 | 0.94 | 293 |
the following is a quick recap of what i've experienced in the last three or four weeks.
so i work a pretty shitty job in a position about two clicks above entry level. seeing as the requirements to get a position with us aren't overly sophisticated we cater for a lot of fuckwits. the work is crap but the money is ok, most people don't stick around for long. we have a huge employee turnover.
one day a few weeks ago i rock up to work and the boss is telling me that i have to train another new guy. i think that's great because it might spice up my day a bit. i walk into the lunch room and the new employee is chilling in there by himself. we'll call him roger. i introduce myself and say hi, ask him a few questions about himself, everything that you normally do when you meet the new guy. really short, i'd say 16 or 17 years old. straight away i knew something was a bit off. he was a very smart guy but he was lacking basic social skills. usually it takes three full days of training but the kid had it nailed down in two days. over the course of the next week or so he was rostered to work with other people and none of them really connected with the guy. i was pretty much the only person who talked to him. i thought it was just because he was young.
for the sake of being nice i continue to have the occasional chat with roger. he's into video games. great, a topic that i know a little about myself. each day we would briefly chat about what games we had played after work the night before and what games we wanted to play that night. i found out a little more about the guy but it was really nothing special. he didn't drink, but his go to answer to "did you get on the beers last night rog?" was "na but i had a rum and coke". you could tell he had rehearsed it. it became very apparent to me that he had some slight mental disability. i never touched on the topic with him.
anyway about two weeks after he started working with us his mum called up and reported that roger was dead. i don't know whether she told the boss how or not - but the specifics weren't passed onto us. it was sudden but didn't have a real effect on any of my other coworkers due to the fact that he didn't talk to any of them. i was a little bummed out but i'd dealt with death on a much more personal level before and learned how to block it out. the boss tells us that the funeral will be on wednesday and that we were welcome to take the day off to attend.
seeing as a day off was on the cards a bunch of my pisshead coworkers jumped at the chance to go. they didn't mind going to a 40 minute ceremony if it meant they could get the entire day off. we carpool in (because i'm the only damn one with a car) and hope that the affair will be over quickly. i take a park near the door of the place and we jump out.
all of a sudden this woman runs up to greet me personally by name. alright, cool, never met this woman before but she knows me. i go through the general "how's it goin?" bish bash that gets thrown around in casual conversation. she takes me from the wolfpack of my coworkers and we greet this rather old guy who is absolutely distraught. at this stage the woman finally introduces herself as roger's mum. the old guy is his dad. i feel bad so i stayed around them to have a chat - there really aren't many people around. probably 20 all up including myself and the three hooligans i dragged along. i assume and later confirm that literally all of them are family. roger had two sisters and one brother. grandparents on both sides. a few aunties and uncles attended.
so i really don't know much about the guy. i comfort his family with something along the lines of "he was a good kid with a great future" but other than that i'm lost. his mum seems to know everything about me. she introduces me to the entire family and asks me rather specific questions about my life. i just assume that roger must have told her a lot. his father confirmed that he talked about me a lot and that "he said you were his only friend".
this breaks me. i start to cry a lot. i never really even cared about roger. i just talked because i was trying to be nice. i didn't realize that he considered me a friend. then i get handed one of them funeral guides with a picture of roger on it. i see his birth date - 1987 - and realize that i have made a huge mistake. he was 28! i just told his heart broken parents that he was "a good kid". the bloke thought i was his best friend and i didn't even know how old he was. i left before the ceremony started.
|
i comforted the parents of a dead 28 yo autistic man by telling them that he was a great kid
|
attending the funeral of a coworker
|
[
"the following is a quick recap of what i've",
"experienced in the last three or four weeks.",
"so i work a pretty shitty job in a position about",
"two clicks above entry level. seeing as the",
"requirements to get a position with us aren't",
"overly sophisticated we cater for a lot of",
"fuckwits. the work is crap but the money is ok,",
"most people don't stick around for long. we have",
"a huge employee turnover.",
"one day a few weeks ago i rock up to work and the",
"boss is telling me that i have to train another",
"new guy. i think that's great because it might",
"spice up my day a bit. i walk into the lunch room",
"and the new employee is chilling in there by",
"himself. we'll call him roger. i introduce myself",
"and say hi, ask him a few questions about",
"himself, everything that you normally do when you",
"meet the new guy. really short, i'd say 16 or 17",
"years old. straight away i knew something was a",
"bit off. he was a very smart guy but he was",
"lacking basic social skills. usually it takes",
"three full days of training but the kid had it",
"nailed down in two days. over the course of the",
"next week or so he was rostered to work with",
"other people and none of them really connected",
"with the guy. i was pretty much the only person",
"who talked to him. i thought it was just because",
"he was young.",
"for the sake of being nice i continue to have the",
"occasional chat with roger. he's into video",
"games. great, a topic that i know a little about",
"myself. each day we would briefly chat about what",
"games we had played after work the night before",
"and what games we wanted to play that night. i",
"found out a little more about the guy but it was",
"really nothing special. he didn't drink, but his",
"go to answer to \"did you get on the beers last",
"night rog?\" was \"na but i had a rum and coke\".",
"you could tell he had rehearsed it. it became",
"very apparent to me that he had some slight",
"mental disability. i never touched on the topic",
"with him.",
"anyway about two weeks after he started working",
"with us his mum called up and reported that roger",
"was dead. i don't know whether she told the boss",
"how or not - but the specifics weren't passed",
"onto us. it was sudden but didn't have a real",
"effect on any of my other coworkers due to the",
"fact that he didn't talk to any of them. i was a",
"little bummed out but i'd dealt with death on a",
"much more personal level before and learned how",
"to block it out. the boss tells us that the",
"funeral will be on wednesday and that we were",
"welcome to take the day off to attend.",
"seeing as a day off was on the cards a bunch of",
"my pisshead coworkers jumped at the chance to go.",
"they didn't mind going to a 40 minute ceremony if",
"it meant they could get the entire day off. we",
"carpool in (because i'm the only damn one with a",
"car) and hope that the affair will be over",
"quickly. i take a park near the door of the place",
"and we jump out.",
"all of a sudden this woman runs up to greet me",
"personally by name. alright, cool, never met this",
"woman before but she knows me. i go through the",
"general \"how's it goin?\" bish bash that gets",
"thrown around in casual conversation. she takes",
"me from the wolfpack of my coworkers and we greet",
"this rather old guy who is absolutely distraught.",
"at this stage the woman finally introduces",
"herself as roger's mum. the old guy is his dad. i",
"feel bad so i stayed around them to have a chat -",
"there really aren't many people around. probably",
"20 all up including myself and the three",
"hooligans i dragged along. i assume and later",
"confirm that literally all of them are family.",
"roger had two sisters and one brother.",
"grandparents on both sides. a few aunties and",
"uncles attended.",
"so i really don't know much about the guy. i",
"comfort his family with something along the lines",
"of \"he was a good kid with a great future\" but",
"other than that i'm lost. his mum seems to know",
"everything about me. she introduces me to the",
"entire family and asks me rather specific",
"questions about my life. i just assume that roger",
"must have told her a lot. his father confirmed",
"that he talked about me a lot and that \"he said",
"you were his only friend\".",
"this breaks me. i start to cry a lot. i never",
"really even cared about roger. i just talked",
"because i was trying to be nice. i didn't realize",
"that he considered me a friend. then i get handed",
"one of them funeral guides with a picture of",
"roger on it. i see his birth date - 1987 - and",
"realize that i have made a huge mistake. he was",
"28! i just told his heart broken parents that he",
"was \"a good kid\". the bloke thought i was his",
"best friend and i didn't even know how old he",
"was. i left before the ceremony started."
] |
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of "he was a good kid with a great future" but 28! i just told his heart broken parents that he
|
32 | 8 | 0.91 | 32 |
i was at the gym, doing heavy squats and because i was approaching my last set, i asked a random dude if he could spot me.
he agreed, so he gets directly behind me holding my shoulders just in case i failed.
four reps in i braced myself for what would be the last descent. i squatted down, everything was going well. now i had to get up. i went full alpha-mode, gathered all my strength and while going up i ripped a glorious fart which hit him directly. i mumbled sorry and he just ran out of the gym.
if you're reading this, i'm really really sorry.
|
went a bit too alpha on a squat and farted on a stranger.
|
farting on a stranger
|
[
"i was at the gym, doing heavy squats and because i",
"was approaching my last set, i asked a random",
"dude if he could spot me.",
"he agreed, so he gets directly behind me holding",
"my shoulders just in case i failed.",
"four reps in i braced myself for what would be",
"the last descent. i squatted down, everything was",
"going well. now i had to get up. i went full",
"alpha-mode, gathered all my strength and while",
"going up i ripped a glorious fart which hit him",
"directly. i mumbled sorry and he just ran out of",
"the gym.",
"if you're reading this, i'm really really sorry."
] |
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was approaching my last set, i asked a random alpha-mode, gathered all my strength and while
|
10 | 1 | 0.85 | 10 |
so today, i was on a trip with my family. my mom was there for work and my dad, brother and i were just touring the city. while touring, we decided that it would be fun to go watch a movie. my brother had read paper towns and said that the movie would be pretty good so we should go see. there was only one movie theater in town and it was a regal cinemas. when we got there, it wouldnt be an exaggeration to say that this was the most run down movie theater i have ever been to.
from the outside it looked like an abandoned warehouse and the only thing that told you it was a theater was the movie posters showcased in glass frames by the door. most of the glass frames were broken though and glass was shattered on the floor. the inside looked nice but definetely not the most well kept place. we ordered our tickets for paper towns and the lady at the desk told us which auditorium to get there. we were supposed to meet with my mom afterwards so i asked when the movie is supposed to be over. the lady said it would end around 6:10 ( we arrived at 3:50 and the movie is supposed to start at 4)
we head over to the auditorium she told us to go to and take our seats. there are very few people in the theater and most are kids. in front of us there was what i assumed to be a pair of siblings. both were quite overweight. the older of the two though seemed to have been a grown man, he was equally as overweight as the younger brother but he had very long greasy hair that reached his back, wore a long black trench coat and had an old cowboy hat. it was confusing seeing them since that wasn't the intended audience i was expecting for the movie. the movie was supposed to start at 4 but i thought ads would take 20 min. i was very wrong. the ads continued until 4:30 and thats when we began getting annoyed at how long it was taking. on the belief they would end soon, we sat patiently for the movie to start. sadly that would end up being a mistake. the ads lasted around 5 ish and the movie finally began. we were exhausted from the ads though and just wanted to get to the movie. confusion struck even more as the cashier said the movie ends around 6. that would make it a very short movie. the movie starts and the opening credits overlap the scene. horror began to strike though when i noticed the opening credits were in 8-bit text. fear ran through my body and i hoped that my suspicions were wrong. i look to my brother to see if he recognizes whats going on in the movie. the first line of dialogue is one of the characters saying hi to a kid named cooper. suddenly my brother's face also becomes twisted in fear as he looks towards me and says "there's no one in the book named cooper", i scramble to pull the tickets out of my pocket and look at the name. pixels auditorium 1. reality comes crashing down as all the pieces of the puzzle fall into place. we storm out of the theater furious and demand a refund from the manager then leave.
|
i sat through an hour of ads in the movie theater to watch the wrong movie. ended up seeing pixels
|
i went to the movies
|
[
"so today, i was on a trip with my family. my mom",
"was there for work and my dad, brother and i were",
"just touring the city. while touring, we decided",
"that it would be fun to go watch a movie. my",
"brother had read paper towns and said that the",
"movie would be pretty good so we should go see.",
"there was only one movie theater in town and it",
"was a regal cinemas. when we got there, it",
"wouldnt be an exaggeration to say that this was",
"the most run down movie theater i have ever been",
"to.",
"from the outside it looked like an abandoned",
"warehouse and the only thing that told you it was",
"a theater was the movie posters showcased in",
"glass frames by the door. most of the glass",
"frames were broken though and glass was shattered",
"on the floor. the inside looked nice but",
"definetely not the most well kept place. we",
"ordered our tickets for paper towns and the lady",
"at the desk told us which auditorium to get",
"there. we were supposed to meet with my mom",
"afterwards so i asked when the movie is supposed",
"to be over. the lady said it would end around",
"6:10 ( we arrived at 3:50 and the movie is",
"supposed to start at 4)",
"we head over to the auditorium she told us to go",
"to and take our seats. there are very few people",
"in the theater and most are kids. in front of us",
"there was what i assumed to be a pair of",
"siblings. both were quite overweight. the older",
"of the two though seemed to have been a grown",
"man, he was equally as overweight as the younger",
"brother but he had very long greasy hair that",
"reached his back, wore a long black trench coat",
"and had an old cowboy hat. it was confusing",
"seeing them since that wasn't the intended",
"audience i was expecting for the movie. the movie",
"was supposed to start at 4 but i thought ads",
"would take 20 min. i was very wrong. the ads",
"continued until 4:30 and thats when we began",
"getting annoyed at how long it was taking. on the",
"belief they would end soon, we sat patiently for",
"the movie to start. sadly that would end up being",
"a mistake. the ads lasted around 5 ish and the",
"movie finally began. we were exhausted from the",
"ads though and just wanted to get to the movie.",
"confusion struck even more as the cashier said",
"the movie ends around 6. that would make it a",
"very short movie. the movie starts and the",
"opening credits overlap the scene. horror began",
"to strike though when i noticed the opening",
"credits were in 8-bit text. fear ran through my",
"body and i hoped that my suspicions were wrong. i",
"look to my brother to see if he recognizes whats",
"going on in the movie. the first line of dialogue",
"is one of the characters saying hi to a kid named",
"cooper. suddenly my brother's face also becomes",
"twisted in fear as he looks towards me and says",
"\"there's no one in the book named cooper\", i",
"scramble to pull the tickets out of my pocket and",
"look at the name. pixels auditorium 1. reality",
"comes crashing down as all the pieces of the",
"puzzle fall into place. we storm out of the",
"theater furious and demand a refund from the",
"manager then leave."
] |
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in the theater and most are kids. in front of us ads though and just wanted to get to the movie.
|
7 | 8 | 0.82 | 7 |
this happened two hours ago. throwaway so i keep at least some fragment of my manhood.
so i'm in california for a summer internship. 20 years old, have the whole city at my fingertips... except that i don't know anyone my own age, can't legally drink, and only have enough cash to cover public transportation and frugal grocery shopping.
my social interaction comes from coworkers (30+) and the slew of awesome international tech developers i live with.
the story begins when i'm getting dinner with my mother's friend (my mother was worried that i never go out and just work all day, and it's not like i'm going to refuse a free meal). i realize that the place is a few blocks away from a donuts shop that a girl from tinder recommended for their apple fritters. i fucking love apple fritters...
but after what happened tonight, i don't think i'll be able to eat one ever again. the shop was out, but they gave me a time for a fresh batch. i would return after dinner.
minor fuckup at dinner: we were seated at the bar and weren't carded for drinks by super cute bartender. naturally, i mention that i'm not 21 and ask for a glass of water. dinner was good.
i return to the donuts shop. fucking delicious. i had to wait an extra 20-30 minutes since they were behind on the fritters, and got something to snack on. by the time they start glazing the fritters, it's about 10pm. just about the time that social people might be getting ready to go out for a night at the club. donut maker personally selects the two best fritters, thanks me for my patience. i leave to catch a bus.
it's a pretty long bus ride to get from where i was to the subway station, so i settle in my seat and look at my donuts, waiting for the right moment to strike.
after a few stops, a massive group of tweens--mostly girls--get on the bus. there isn't room for them to sit together without me getting up, so i surrender my seat. one of the girls says "oh, you don't have to get up!."
"no, haha, it's fine. i'm too old for this shit."
**wait.**
**these aren't tweens.**
this is a group of 8-10 ridiculously hot girls who are all at least 19, probably heading to a club, and i am going home at 10pm on a saturday night with a box of steaming apple fritters. hot blonde, hot brunette, and hot black-hair are sitting where i had just gotten up.
* blonde: "we're not that young!"
* me: "in my experience, 'not that young' is usually too young."
* blonde: "guess how old i am."
* brunette: "yeah, we're not young at all. i bet you can't guess how old we are."
i'm very good at guessing ages, and get all three of their ages within a month. they ask me how old i am, and tell them i'm 20.
* brunette: "you're barely older than us! you aren't too old for anything."
* black-hair: "yeah, but you look older than that."
they're all in town for a summer ballet academy, and are going to some 18+ club that i've never heard of.
* blonde: "you should totally come with us!"
* other girls, in unison: "yeah, totally, come!"
blonde makes eye contact with me and takes a swig from a shooter of some variety of pink alcohol.
**"but what do i do with the donuts?"**
the conversation dies down a bit. we talk about school, where we're all from, one of the girls went to a high school in my home town, they all get excited, i brush it off with some jokes, and wish them a good night as i get off on my stop.
while i wait for my train transfer, it suddenly hits me.
|
turned down an opportunity to go to a club with a group of absolutely gorgeous ballet dancers because apple fritters
|
going home with two donuts on a saturday night
|
[
"this happened two hours ago. throwaway so i keep",
"at least some fragment of my manhood.",
"so i'm in california for a summer internship. 20",
"years old, have the whole city at my",
"fingertips... except that i don't know anyone my",
"own age, can't legally drink, and only have",
"enough cash to cover public transportation and",
"frugal grocery shopping.",
"my social interaction comes from coworkers (30+)",
"and the slew of awesome international tech",
"developers i live with.",
"the story begins when i'm getting dinner with my",
"mother's friend (my mother was worried that i",
"never go out and just work all day, and it's not",
"like i'm going to refuse a free meal). i realize",
"that the place is a few blocks away from a donuts",
"shop that a girl from tinder recommended for",
"their apple fritters. i fucking love apple",
"fritters...",
"but after what happened tonight, i don't think",
"i'll be able to eat one ever again. the shop was",
"out, but they gave me a time for a fresh batch. i",
"would return after dinner.",
"minor fuckup at dinner: we were seated at the bar",
"and weren't carded for drinks by super cute",
"bartender. naturally, i mention that i'm not 21",
"and ask for a glass of water. dinner was good.",
"i return to the donuts shop. fucking delicious. i",
"had to wait an extra 20-30 minutes since they",
"were behind on the fritters, and got something to",
"snack on. by the time they start glazing the",
"fritters, it's about 10pm. just about the time",
"that social people might be getting ready to go",
"out for a night at the club. donut maker",
"personally selects the two best fritters, thanks",
"me for my patience. i leave to catch a bus.",
"it's a pretty long bus ride to get from where i",
"was to the subway station, so i settle in my seat",
"and look at my donuts, waiting for the right",
"moment to strike.",
"after a few stops, a massive group of",
"tweens--mostly girls--get on the bus. there isn't",
"room for them to sit together without me getting",
"up, so i surrender my seat. one of the girls says",
"\"oh, you don't have to get up!.\"",
"\"no, haha, it's fine. i'm too old for this shit.\"",
"**wait.**\n\n**these aren't tweens.**",
"this is a group of 8-10 ridiculously hot girls",
"who are all at least 19, probably heading to a",
"club, and i am going home at 10pm on a saturday",
"night with a box of steaming apple fritters. hot",
"blonde, hot brunette, and hot black-hair are",
"sitting where i had just gotten up.",
"* blonde: \"we're not that young!\"",
"* me: \"in my experience, 'not that young' is",
"usually too young.\"",
"* blonde: \"guess how old i am.\"",
"* brunette: \"yeah, we're not young at all. i bet",
"you can't guess how old we are.\"",
"i'm very good at guessing ages, and get all three",
"of their ages within a month. they ask me how old",
"i am, and tell them i'm 20.",
"* brunette: \"you're barely older than us! you",
"aren't too old for anything.\"",
"* black-hair: \"yeah, but you look older than",
"that.\"",
"they're all in town for a summer ballet academy,",
"and are going to some 18+ club that i've never",
"heard of.",
"* blonde: \"you should totally come with us!\"",
"* other girls, in unison: \"yeah, totally, come!\"",
"blonde makes eye contact with me and takes a swig",
"from a shooter of some variety of pink alcohol.",
"**\"but what do i do with the donuts?\"**",
"the conversation dies down a bit. we talk about",
"school, where we're all from, one of the girls",
"went to a high school in my home town, they all",
"get excited, i brush it off with some jokes, and",
"wish them a good night as i get off on my stop.",
"while i wait for my train transfer, it suddenly",
"hits me."
] |
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that social people might be getting ready to go this is a group of 8-10 ridiculously hot girls night with a box of steaming apple fritters. hot
|
34 | 41 | 0.89 | 34 |
this is in the process right now. help would be appreciated.
i'm traveling home after a vacation right now. yesterday i woke up with a dark thing just under the head of my penis. it hurt a little, and i couldn't take it off, but i assumed it was a piece of dry skin or something. i hopped on a plane and experienced some discomfort during the flight, but other than that i felt fine.
today, i got a chance to shower in my hotel room. this thing has legs. i told my mom, because why the fuck not, i and now i'm holed up in this hotel bathroom pouring mouthwash on it... because.... alcohol? i think that's supposed to help? this kills the balls.
i also recently discovered that the fucker is alive from the few kicks from its legs. i hope you enjoyed my morning wood, asshole. on the bright side, this tick is becoming a world traveller, and might live to see new york if tweezers end up not working.
update: i went to the beauty salon of the hotel, where i got some tweezers and a private room to remove the tick while a bunch of hot russian hairstylists tried to contain their laughter. we got him though. sfw http://imgur.com/uhhb861
|
didn't notice i had a tick on my dick. might have to enjoy a 10 hour flight with this guy.
|
ignoring my dick tick
|
[
"this is in the process right now. help would be",
"appreciated.",
"i'm traveling home after a vacation right now.",
"yesterday i woke up with a dark thing just under",
"the head of my penis. it hurt a little, and i",
"couldn't take it off, but i assumed it was a",
"piece of dry skin or something. i hopped on a",
"plane and experienced some discomfort during the",
"flight, but other than that i felt fine.",
"today, i got a chance to shower in my hotel room.",
"this thing has legs. i told my mom, because why",
"the fuck not, i and now i'm holed up in this",
"hotel bathroom pouring mouthwash on it...",
"because.... alcohol? i think that's supposed to",
"help? this kills the balls.",
"i also recently discovered that the fucker is",
"alive from the few kicks from its legs. i hope",
"you enjoyed my morning wood, asshole. on the",
"bright side, this tick is becoming a world",
"traveller, and might live to see new york if",
"tweezers end up not working.",
"update: i went to the beauty salon of the hotel,",
"where i got some tweezers and a private room to",
"remove the tick while a bunch of hot russian",
"hairstylists tried to contain their laughter. we",
"got him though. sfw http://imgur.com/uhhb861"
] |
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today, i got a chance to shower in my hotel room. bright side, this tick is becoming a world
|
242 | 223 | 0.77 | 242 |
this was posted a few days ago but removed due to being sexual and posted on a weekday. so here it is, again.
a few months ago, i started secretly dating my friend's sister. no one knew about our relationship, absolutely no one. now, i am a very smart guy when it comes to privacy. i always browse in incognito mode, encrypt my hard drives, password protect everything under so many layers. now 2 months into the dating, we got very serious and very sexual too. we had hot sex almost every other day. she had to leave town for a couple of days so we started exchanging nude pics. one of those days i met her brother (my friend) and was having a smoke with him. right between the smoking, she sent me a nude pic. i saw it quite discreetly and kept the phone back in my pocket.
now, curse android. if you don't hit the home button before locking, the last thing you saw stays on the screen after unlocking. my friend happened to ask me for my phone to make a call to someone, as he was out of phone balance. i gave him the phone and told him the pin. as soon as he unlocked the phone, it fell from his hands. i said "dude, wtf ?" before focusing on his terrified, shocked face. the realisation hit me 5 seconds later.
well, his sister is still my gf and this friend and i have been friends since childhood. things were weird for around a week but he didn't get angry over it. he trusts me, coz i've been very protective of his sister since childhood, but never brotherzoned. he's actually happy as of now since he knows i am a good guy at heart and that i will keep her happy. the first week was weird, as in, we smoked a lot of joints together and kept talking over it. his sister doesn't know that he saw her nudes. all she was told that i confessed about our relationship to her brother. everything is chill as fuck now.
edit: stop asking for pics ! would you deliver your loved one's pics if you were in my shoes ?
edit 2: peeps are asking for the tasker profile, i'll be putting it here soon. i gotta ask the mods first if i can add a link here.
edit: sorry for the delay, i was kinda busy. instead of the tasker profile, i have a better option for you. this app does what my profile does and so much more.
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.mrs.dynamicpin&hl=en
|
accidentally showed my gf's brother her naked pics.
|
keeping naked pictures of gf on my phone (nsfw)
|
[
"this was posted a few days ago but removed due to",
"being sexual and posted on a weekday. so here it",
"is, again.",
"a few months ago, i started secretly dating my",
"friend's sister. no one knew about our",
"relationship, absolutely no one. now, i am a very",
"smart guy when it comes to privacy. i always",
"browse in incognito mode, encrypt my hard drives,",
"password protect everything under so many layers.",
"now 2 months into the dating, we got very serious",
"and very sexual too. we had hot sex almost every",
"other day. she had to leave town for a couple of",
"days so we started exchanging nude pics. one of",
"those days i met her brother (my friend) and was",
"having a smoke with him. right between the",
"smoking, she sent me a nude pic. i saw it quite",
"discreetly and kept the phone back in my pocket.",
"now, curse android. if you don't hit the home",
"button before locking, the last thing you saw",
"stays on the screen after unlocking. my friend",
"happened to ask me for my phone to make a call to",
"someone, as he was out of phone balance. i gave",
"him the phone and told him the pin. as soon as he",
"unlocked the phone, it fell from his hands. i",
"said \"dude, wtf ?\" before focusing on his",
"terrified, shocked face. the realisation hit me 5",
"seconds later.",
"well, his sister is still my gf and this friend",
"and i have been friends since childhood. things",
"were weird for around a week but he didn't get",
"angry over it. he trusts me, coz i've been very",
"protective of his sister since childhood, but",
"never brotherzoned. he's actually happy as of now",
"since he knows i am a good guy at heart and that",
"i will keep her happy. the first week was weird,",
"as in, we smoked a lot of joints together and",
"kept talking over it. his sister doesn't know",
"that he saw her nudes. all she was told that i",
"confessed about our relationship to her brother.",
"everything is chill as fuck now.",
"edit: stop asking for pics ! would you deliver",
"your loved one's pics if you were in my shoes ?",
"edit 2: peeps are asking for the tasker profile,",
"i'll be putting it here soon. i gotta ask the",
"mods first if i can add a link here.",
"edit: sorry for the delay, i was kinda busy.",
"instead of the tasker profile, i have a better",
"option for you. this app does what my profile",
"does and so much more.",
"https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com",
".mrs.dynamicpin&hl=en"
] |
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those days i met her brother (my friend) and was
|
198 | 52 | 0.97 | 198 |
happened yesterday, but the memory is so fresh it feels like it was 5 minutes ago.
anyway, i work as a pool technician whose job is to open and maintain pools. one of the pools i open in the morning is an outdoor pool for a nice gated community.
whenever i open this pool, there's a pretty girl around my age (~20) who comes in for her daily morning swim. we usually make small talk and sometimes flirt, but nothing serious.
during our conversation yesterday morning, she mentions how she's deathly afraid of spiders, and being the idiot i am, decide to tease her a little.
as i went over the pool with my skimmer i notice a fairly large (but dead) spider floating around. picking it up with my net, i try to flick it near the girl's feet to try and freak her out.
this is where the fuck up happens.
as i call her out with a "hey, look!", and flick the spider in her direction, i underestimated how far the spider would fly. instead of landing at her feet, it hits her right in the *goddamn face*.
it then disintegrates. into a billion baby spiders.
she starts screaming bloody murder and flings herself into the pool where she immediately swallows a fairly large amount of water (and possibly a few spiders) and proceeds to start drowning.
i jump in, pull her out and try my best to calm this hysterical crying girl who's probably woken up half the neighborhood with her screaming.
while i try to gather myself and apologize for my massive fuck up, she bolts out of the pool and back to her house, sobbing all the while.
i'm now left there, soaked, with no change of clothes and one more pool to drive to and open in the morning.
after i finished my work, i promptly went home, threw my wet clothes in the laundry and hit the bed for a 5 hour nap to try and forget the terrible chain of events that just occurred.
unfortunately, i didn't forget. now i'm posting here.
|
underestimated strength, girl ended up with spider bukkake
|
trying to be funny with a spider
|
[
"happened yesterday, but the memory is so fresh it",
"feels like it was 5 minutes ago.",
"anyway, i work as a pool technician whose job is",
"to open and maintain pools. one of the pools i",
"open in the morning is an outdoor pool for a nice",
"gated community.",
"whenever i open this pool, there's a pretty girl",
"around my age (~20) who comes in for her daily",
"morning swim. we usually make small talk and",
"sometimes flirt, but nothing serious.",
"during our conversation yesterday morning, she",
"mentions how she's deathly afraid of spiders, and",
"being the idiot i am, decide to tease her a",
"little.",
"as i went over the pool with my skimmer i notice",
"a fairly large (but dead) spider floating around.",
"picking it up with my net, i try to flick it near",
"the girl's feet to try and freak her out.",
"this is where the fuck up happens.",
"as i call her out with a \"hey, look!\", and flick",
"the spider in her direction, i underestimated how",
"far the spider would fly. instead of landing at",
"her feet, it hits her right in the *goddamn",
"face*.",
"it then disintegrates. into a billion baby",
"spiders.",
"she starts screaming bloody murder and flings",
"herself into the pool where she immediately",
"swallows a fairly large amount of water (and",
"possibly a few spiders) and proceeds to start",
"drowning.",
"i jump in, pull her out and try my best to calm",
"this hysterical crying girl who's probably woken",
"up half the neighborhood with her screaming.",
"while i try to gather myself and apologize for my",
"massive fuck up, she bolts out of the pool and",
"back to her house, sobbing all the while.",
"i'm now left there, soaked, with no change of",
"clothes and one more pool to drive to and open in",
"the morning.",
"after i finished my work, i promptly went home,",
"threw my wet clothes in the laundry and hit the",
"bed for a 5 hour nap to try and forget the",
"terrible chain of events that just occurred.",
"unfortunately, i didn't forget. now i'm posting",
"here."
] |
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picking it up with my net, i try to flick it near the spider in her direction, i underestimated how
|
0 | 1 | 0.42 | 0 |
happened during the week, couldn't post until the weekend :p this morning i was sitting on twitch like any normal wednesday, when i felt a sensation coming from the holy door keeper. i just let a fart go like usual, but this wasn't any normal toot, this was the willy wonka chocolate river fart. i quickly rushed to the bathroom and cranked the window open as i began to undress and toss my chocolate stained clothing out the window. the smell was so rancid. this was my first fuck up, trusting my fart while sick. the next fuck up is when i decided to get into the shower too early and i got all soaped up looking like the michelin man. my stomach burst into anarchy as the wonka river spewed across the tub and shower walls. my next fuck up is choosing to get out of the shower and head for the toilet. mind you, i'm all soaped up still. i slide straight off the toilet as i'm spewing chocolate all over the sides of the toilet. finally got all cleaned up and left the scene of the crime.
|
trusted my fart, and ended up painting the bathroom brown.
|
trusting my fart
|
[
"happened during the week, couldn't post until the",
"weekend :p this morning i was sitting on twitch",
"like any normal wednesday, when i felt a",
"sensation coming from the holy door keeper. i",
"just let a fart go like usual, but this wasn't",
"any normal toot, this was the willy wonka",
"chocolate river fart. i quickly rushed to the",
"bathroom and cranked the window open as i began",
"to undress and toss my chocolate stained clothing",
"out the window. the smell was so rancid. this was",
"my first fuck up, trusting my fart while sick.",
"the next fuck up is when i decided to get into",
"the shower too early and i got all soaped up",
"looking like the michelin man. my stomach burst",
"into anarchy as the wonka river spewed across the",
"tub and shower walls. my next fuck up is choosing",
"to get out of the shower and head for the toilet.",
"mind you, i'm all soaped up still. i slide",
"straight off the toilet as i'm spewing chocolate",
"all over the sides of the toilet. finally got all",
"cleaned up and left the scene of the crime."
] |
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bathroom and cranked the window open as i began my first fuck up, trusting my fart while sick.
|
1 | 12 | 0.6 | 1 |
i literally just found this out like two minutes ago, and i deemed this to be the appropriate medium for it.
so, i've been thinking about breaking up with my girlfriend due to a few issues, including communication, distance, etc. but, about a month ago we went on vacation. of course, as any young twenty-somethings in a relationship do, we had sex. a lot of sex. having decided that spending $15 for condoms was enough for me, we only had enough to us through part of the week. with probably two days left we ran out. she encouraged me to buy more, but i said i didn't feel like spending any more and that we'd be fine. she seemed less sure, but obliged.
*note: she just quit her job t search for a new one, so she really didn't have much money either, but the vacation was pre-paid for so we went anyway.
continuing on with the pace of the week, we continued our wild sex romp in the vacation rental house. could we have stopped? sure. but we are both young, she's gorgeous, she thinks i'm attractive (i've got her fooled), we have serious sex drives, so why not? well, about a half hour ago i get a text from her saying that she's a week late for her period, and that she bought a pregnancy test. i panic. i do not have the money to become a father, nor do i think i'm ready to be a good one. i can provide love and care, but not the proper things a baby needs. especially because we are in a long distance relationship without the money to move in together, how the hell would we raise a kid?
nevertheless, i try to keep her calm. i tell her that we'll be fine and to take the test to ease her nerves. shouldn't have done that, should have delayed it a few more days... but, she takes the test and its positive. so... i guess i'm gonna be a dad in nine months...
|
was too cheap to buy condoms, had sex anyway, got girlfriend pregnant.
|
being a cheap bastard
|
[
"i literally just found this out like two minutes",
"ago, and i deemed this to be the appropriate",
"medium for it.",
"so, i've been thinking about breaking up with my",
"girlfriend due to a few issues, including",
"communication, distance, etc. but, about a month",
"ago we went on vacation. of course, as any young",
"twenty-somethings in a relationship do, we had",
"sex. a lot of sex. having decided that spending",
"$15 for condoms was enough for me, we only had",
"enough to us through part of the week. with",
"probably two days left we ran out. she encouraged",
"me to buy more, but i said i didn't feel like",
"spending any more and that we'd be fine. she",
"seemed less sure, but obliged.",
"*note: she just quit her job t search for a new",
"one, so she really didn't have much money either,",
"but the vacation was pre-paid for so we went",
"anyway.",
"continuing on with the pace of the week, we",
"continued our wild sex romp in the vacation",
"rental house. could we have stopped? sure. but we",
"are both young, she's gorgeous, she thinks i'm",
"attractive (i've got her fooled), we have serious",
"sex drives, so why not? well, about a half hour",
"ago i get a text from her saying that she's a",
"week late for her period, and that she bought a",
"pregnancy test. i panic. i do not have the money",
"to become a father, nor do i think i'm ready to",
"be a good one. i can provide love and care, but",
"not the proper things a baby needs. especially",
"because we are in a long distance relationship",
"without the money to move in together, how the",
"hell would we raise a kid?",
"nevertheless, i try to keep her calm. i tell her",
"that we'll be fine and to take the test to ease",
"her nerves. shouldn't have done that, should have",
"delayed it a few more days... but, she takes the",
"test and its positive. so... i guess i'm gonna be",
"a dad in nine months..."
] |
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$15 for condoms was enough for me, we only had me to buy more, but i said i didn't feel like
|
3 | 18 | 0.55 | 3 |
this just fucking happened like 10 minutes ago. i squeezing my dolphin and all of the sudden a huge load came out of it's spout. jizzed all over my macbook pro keyboard and mousepad. no big deal right? just a little cum. wrong. after using the computer after i was done, to my dismay, i noticed that the f, v, and r key stopped working. that's weird, not really thinking about the fact that i had just jizzed all over the keyboard. i thought it would be a good idea to restart my computer, maybe my computer was just acting a little bit funky. here is where the real fuck up is: the password to my computer is "fuckyou"...... so i am completely locked out of my computer... the f key doesn't work.... so now i have to use my girlfriends computer, and she is going to be home any minute to watch one of her stupid shows. god fucking damn it. this sucks so bad. if anyone knows how to fix this plz let me know because i'm really sad right now. boy did i fuck up.
|
jizzed on my keyboard and then locked my self out of it because i'm a fucking retard.
|
accidentally cumming on my keyboard.
|
[
"this just fucking happened like 10 minutes ago. i",
"squeezing my dolphin and all of the sudden a huge",
"load came out of it's spout. jizzed all over my",
"macbook pro keyboard and mousepad. no big deal",
"right? just a little cum. wrong. after using the",
"computer after i was done, to my dismay, i",
"noticed that the f, v, and r key stopped working.",
"that's weird, not really thinking about the fact",
"that i had just jizzed all over the keyboard. i",
"thought it would be a good idea to restart my",
"computer, maybe my computer was just acting a",
"little bit funky. here is where the real fuck up",
"is: the password to my computer is",
"\"fuckyou\"...... so i am completely locked out of",
"my computer... the f key doesn't work.... so now",
"i have to use my girlfriends computer, and she is",
"going to be home any minute to watch one of her",
"stupid shows. god fucking damn it. this sucks so",
"bad. if anyone knows how to fix this plz let me",
"know because i'm really sad right now. boy did i",
"fuck up."
] |
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load came out of it's spout. jizzed all over my macbook pro keyboard and mousepad. no big deal
|
2 | 3 | 0.75 | 2 |
throwaway, because i'm just that disgusted with myself.
my girlfriend and i have been in a relationship for three years. i've always had to work on her birthday, but promised that i'd spend it with her this year.
i cleared the weekend, secured a ride down to where she was (we live together, but she generally celebrates about 100 miles south of where we live, in her hometown. i also don't drive), had my things packed, was heading home from work on a friday afternoon, and i was all ready to go.
now here's the setup for all this. i'm 25 years old, and was diagnosed with adhd last week. the diagnosis answered a lot of questions about how my life has gone so far, and with a prescription for 40mg vyvanse, i felt good. maybe this was the start of something really good for me.
back to the story. my ride was a mutual friend of my gf and mine. he crashed at our place wednesday and thursday night. my gf took a bus down thursday night. he himself was set to head back friday afternoon. it was working out perfectly.
until, of course, on the way home, i called the friend to say that i was heading back. turns out he had some really important work related shit to do tonight up here and wasn't gonna be going down until the following day.
i took him at his word, figured i'd just take the bus. when i got home, i started looking for bus schedules. i was also taking down her geriatric dog who can't be left alone for too long. the only buses that will permit pets are the public ones. which would be fine of not for the fact that it would take me until the following day to get down there. the bus wasn't gonna work out.
the friend had bought a bunch of beers as a peace offering. being pretty stressed, i started drinking them.
now, fun fact about vyvanse that i didn't know. if you combine it with alcohol, especially if caffeine is involved as well, one possible outcome is temporary psychosis.
it's difficult to recall everything, but i do know that she told me her mother wouldn't allow the dog down there anyway, and that i should just take the work i dropped for the weekend, take the following weekend off, and spend the weekend together. she admitted that she neglected to talk to her mother beforehand, and therefore did not secure lodging for the dog.
i remember that somehow, this did not compute. in the beer/monster energy/amphetamine fog i was in, coupled with having had fairly little sleep (not prescription-related, just a long day working and helping her pack on thursday), her perfectly reasonable suggestion sounded like an attack. i began screaming at her at the top of my lungs. the rest of the night is a blur. i sat in a chair and drank for the rest of the night. i intended on going to work this morning, but i was still too fucked up when i woke up for work at 5:30, and too miserable to get up anyway, so i just kept sleeping.
even through most of today, waking up with a cup of coffee and a can of monster and my morning dose, the psychosis continued. i guess the alcohol hadn't left my system. i spent most of the day writing some really deranged shit into a notebook. shit that makes me wanna close my eyes, rip it out, take it outside, and burn it. because i don't want to be able to read what i wrote. at some point i just kinda snapped out of it (very weird feeling) and i was back to normal. that was when i found out about the psychosis.
found out today that the "friend" who was supposed to drive me down was lying about the whole thing. he was staying north for the night just because he decided last minute that he wanted to go drinking with a couple of guys in the area. it had nothing to do with his job.
as for my gf, she's out with her friends today. tried calling a couple times, sent her a detailed email explaining what happened, complete with a somewhat lengthy apology. i know it can't make up for how i treated her, and on her birthday of all days, but maybe it's a start?
i can only hope that she can forgive me for this. i think that on monday, i'll book one of those fancy, super-progressive dog kennels for next weekend. if somehow, we start to work things out, then great. we have the weekend together, totally uninhibited. if this turns out to be the end, then hey. i won't have the dog and maybe i can go hiking or something.
in any case, i'm cutting back on caffeine. i'm still drinking it because i'm addicted to it. i'm at least knocking it back to one cup in the morning. and i'm cutting out alcohol entirely. the thought of something like this happening again is unacceptable. maybe i can have one beer after work in a couple of weeks. before yesterday, i really enjoyed drinking beer. but that just can't happen anymore.
|
i unwittingly induced a temporary psychosis by drinking on my adhd medication, verbally abused my girlfriend over the phone on her birthday, and i'm probably getting exactly what i deserve for it.
|
drinking on my meds
|
[
"throwaway, because i'm just that disgusted with",
"myself.",
"my girlfriend and i have been in a relationship",
"for three years. i've always had to work on her",
"birthday, but promised that i'd spend it with her",
"this year.",
"i cleared the weekend, secured a ride down to",
"where she was (we live together, but she",
"generally celebrates about 100 miles south of",
"where we live, in her hometown. i also don't",
"drive), had my things packed, was heading home",
"from work on a friday afternoon, and i was all",
"ready to go.",
"now here's the setup for all this. i'm 25 years",
"old, and was diagnosed with adhd last week. the",
"diagnosis answered a lot of questions about how",
"my life has gone so far, and with a prescription",
"for 40mg vyvanse, i felt good. maybe this was the",
"start of something really good for me.",
"back to the story. my ride was a mutual friend of",
"my gf and mine. he crashed at our place wednesday",
"and thursday night. my gf took a bus down",
"thursday night. he himself was set to head back",
"friday afternoon. it was working out perfectly.",
"until, of course, on the way home, i called the",
"friend to say that i was heading back. turns out",
"he had some really important work related shit to",
"do tonight up here and wasn't gonna be going down",
"until the following day.",
"i took him at his word, figured i'd just take the",
"bus. when i got home, i started looking for bus",
"schedules. i was also taking down her geriatric",
"dog who can't be left alone for too long. the",
"only buses that will permit pets are the public",
"ones. which would be fine of not for the fact",
"that it would take me until the following day to",
"get down there. the bus wasn't gonna work out.",
"the friend had bought a bunch of beers as a peace",
"offering. being pretty stressed, i started",
"drinking them.",
"now, fun fact about vyvanse that i didn't know.",
"if you combine it with alcohol, especially if",
"caffeine is involved as well, one possible",
"outcome is temporary psychosis.",
"it's difficult to recall everything, but i do",
"know that she told me her mother wouldn't allow",
"the dog down there anyway, and that i should just",
"take the work i dropped for the weekend, take the",
"following weekend off, and spend the weekend",
"together. she admitted that she neglected to talk",
"to her mother beforehand, and therefore did not",
"secure lodging for the dog.",
"i remember that somehow, this did not compute. in",
"the beer/monster energy/amphetamine fog i was in,",
"coupled with having had fairly little sleep (not",
"prescription-related, just a long day working and",
"helping her pack on thursday), her perfectly",
"reasonable suggestion sounded like an attack. i",
"began screaming at her at the top of my lungs.",
"the rest of the night is a blur. i sat in a chair",
"and drank for the rest of the night. i intended",
"on going to work this morning, but i was still",
"too fucked up when i woke up for work at 5:30,",
"and too miserable to get up anyway, so i just",
"kept sleeping.",
"even through most of today, waking up with a cup",
"of coffee and a can of monster and my morning",
"dose, the psychosis continued. i guess the",
"alcohol hadn't left my system. i spent most of",
"the day writing some really deranged shit into a",
"notebook. shit that makes me wanna close my eyes,",
"rip it out, take it outside, and burn it. because",
"i don't want to be able to read what i wrote. at",
"some point i just kinda snapped out of it (very",
"weird feeling) and i was back to normal. that was",
"when i found out about the psychosis.",
"found out today that the \"friend\" who was",
"supposed to drive me down was lying about the",
"whole thing. he was staying north for the night",
"just because he decided last minute that he",
"wanted to go drinking with a couple of guys in",
"the area. it had nothing to do with his job.",
"as for my gf, she's out with her friends today.",
"tried calling a couple times, sent her a detailed",
"email explaining what happened, complete with a",
"somewhat lengthy apology. i know it can't make up",
"for how i treated her, and on her birthday of all",
"days, but maybe it's a start?",
"i can only hope that she can forgive me for this.",
"i think that on monday, i'll book one of those",
"fancy, super-progressive dog kennels for next",
"weekend. if somehow, we start to work things out,",
"then great. we have the weekend together, totally",
"uninhibited. if this turns out to be the end,",
"then hey. i won't have the dog and maybe i can go",
"hiking or something.",
"in any case, i'm cutting back on caffeine. i'm",
"still drinking it because i'm addicted to it. i'm",
"at least knocking it back to one cup in the",
"morning. and i'm cutting out alcohol entirely.",
"the thought of something like this happening",
"again is unacceptable. maybe i can have one beer",
"after work in a couple of weeks. before",
"yesterday, i really enjoyed drinking beer. but",
"that just can't happen anymore."
] |
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my girlfriend and i have been in a relationship outcome is temporary psychosis. for how i treated her, and on her birthday of all still drinking it because i'm addicted to it. i'm
|
12 | 5 | 0.73 | 12 |
as it is saturday, i was able to sleep in today. to celebrate, i rummaged through my bedside drawer and picked out my favorite vibrator. the plan was to be one and done, then proceed with my day.
but that didn't happen! i stayed in bed for two hours using the vibrator externally, full speed pretty much the whole time. when i finally rolled out of bed, my legs felt a little wobbly like a baby deer learning to walk and my lady parts were a little numbed, but overall felt great.
fast forward to around 10pm. i've arrived home from a long dinner with some friends. as i'm stepping out of my car i feel the strong urge to urinate, but as i'll be inside in just a few moments, i am not concerned.
should have been.
as i'm grabbing my bag from the trunk, i literally lost control of my overly full bladder and peed myself, clothed and all. in my driveway. i tried to stop, but i could not clench my muscles tight enough. i was no more than thirty feet from the bathroom. i swear that this only happens in the sims or in depends commercials.
embarrassed, i stood in disbelief for a few moments before holding my bag at arms length and fleeing to my shower. i overused my vibrator to the point where i lost control of my bladder 12 hours later. nothing makes you feel more like a child, playing so hard you pee yourself.
notes: throwaway. i am a young adult. i had not been drinking, nor was i under any kind of influence. i am aware that there can be serious nerve damage from overuse of vibrators on sensitive parts of the body.
|
relieving stress with some good morning vibrations led to relieving my bladder onto my driveway later that night.
|
overusing my vibrator
|
[
"as it is saturday, i was able to sleep in today.",
"to celebrate, i rummaged through my bedside",
"drawer and picked out my favorite vibrator. the",
"plan was to be one and done, then proceed with my",
"day.",
"but that didn't happen! i stayed in bed for two",
"hours using the vibrator externally, full speed",
"pretty much the whole time. when i finally rolled",
"out of bed, my legs felt a little wobbly like a",
"baby deer learning to walk and my lady parts were",
"a little numbed, but overall felt great.",
"fast forward to around 10pm. i've arrived home",
"from a long dinner with some friends. as i'm",
"stepping out of my car i feel the strong urge to",
"urinate, but as i'll be inside in just a few",
"moments, i am not concerned.",
"should have been.",
"as i'm grabbing my bag from the trunk, i",
"literally lost control of my overly full bladder",
"and peed myself, clothed and all. in my driveway.",
"i tried to stop, but i could not clench my",
"muscles tight enough. i was no more than thirty",
"feet from the bathroom. i swear that this only",
"happens in the sims or in depends commercials.",
"embarrassed, i stood in disbelief for a few",
"moments before holding my bag at arms length and",
"fleeing to my shower. i overused my vibrator to",
"the point where i lost control of my bladder 12",
"hours later. nothing makes you feel more like a",
"child, playing so hard you pee yourself.",
"notes: throwaway. i am a young adult. i had not",
"been drinking, nor was i under any kind of",
"influence. i am aware that there can be serious",
"nerve damage from overuse of vibrators on",
"sensitive parts of the body."
] |
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from a long dinner with some friends. as i'm and peed myself, clothed and all. in my driveway. the point where i lost control of my bladder 12
|
6 | 12 | 0.86 | 6 |
i had a really nice laptop. 8gigs of ram, solid state drive, blazing fast and full of cool shit. i played a couple steam games on it but after awhile it started overheating and shutting down. it was still a great machine, but games with serious physics were too much. no big deal, i have a desktop for that. this is my work machine primarily. full office suite which is nice.
i mentioned this to a friend and he offers to clean the fan and reapply thermal paste. neat. i had tried to do that but the design was a pain in the ass and i didn't want to get in over my head. not wanting to risk an overheating problem in the future, i hand it over and figure i just saved some money.
mofo calls me to say the motherboard cracked when they took the fan off. said he can fix it if i order a replacement part. this was an $800 machine so fine, let's do damage control. mofo breaks that as well. now i'm out $960 in hardware plus the software that was on it.
edit: he offered to pay for the new motherboard but is on a very low income so i don't see how he could afford it. since he offered to do it for free i can't in good conscience accept money.
|
was afraid to clean the fan on my laptop for fear of breaking it. friend offered to do it and wrecked it. then wrecked a replacement motherboard.
|
trying but get my computer fixed
|
[
"i had a really nice laptop. 8gigs of ram, solid",
"state drive, blazing fast and full of cool shit.",
"i played a couple steam games on it but after",
"awhile it started overheating and shutting down.",
"it was still a great machine, but games with",
"serious physics were too much. no big deal, i",
"have a desktop for that. this is my work machine",
"primarily. full office suite which is nice.",
"i mentioned this to a friend and he offers to",
"clean the fan and reapply thermal paste. neat. i",
"had tried to do that but the design was a pain in",
"the ass and i didn't want to get in over my head.",
"not wanting to risk an overheating problem in the",
"future, i hand it over and figure i just saved",
"some money.",
"mofo calls me to say the motherboard cracked when",
"they took the fan off. said he can fix it if i",
"order a replacement part. this was an $800",
"machine so fine, let's do damage control. mofo",
"breaks that as well. now i'm out $960 in hardware",
"plus the software that was on it.",
"edit: he offered to pay for the new motherboard",
"but is on a very low income so i don't see how he",
"could afford it. since he offered to do it for",
"free i can't in good conscience accept money."
] |
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clean the fan and reapply thermal paste. neat. i order a replacement part. this was an $800 could afford it. since he offered to do it for
|
0 | 4 | 0.4 | 0 |
today i decided it was a great idea to go for a run in 95 degree heat and 100% humidity. it’s humid to the point that the humidity sweats. to combat the sweating in more promiscuous regions, formally known as swamp balls, i decided to apply baby powder. being the screw hat that i am, i applied foot powder. ya know, the stuff that is supposed to “provide maximum strength itch relief” to grotesque feet. i quickly acted to put out the fire on my pelotas.
|
my balls were taken on a tour of hell where hades dipped them in kerosene and then lit them on fire.
|
setting my christmas tree and ornaments ablaze.
|
[
"today i decided it was a great idea to go for a",
"run in 95 degree heat and 100% humidity. it’s",
"humid to the point that the humidity sweats. to",
"combat the sweating in more promiscuous regions,",
"formally known as swamp balls, i decided to apply",
"baby powder. being the screw hat that i am, i",
"applied foot powder. ya know, the stuff that is",
"supposed to “provide maximum strength itch",
"relief” to grotesque feet. i quickly acted to put",
"out the fire on my pelotas."
] |
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run in 95 degree heat and 100% humidity. it’s out the fire on my pelotas.
|
46 | 21 | 0.81 | 46 |
20 minutes ago i was jerking off, but i didn't realize my dick was pointing straight at my face so i jizzed full force into my poor poor eyeball. like i'm talking projectile jizzing. like that jizz stuff that spiderman uses. now my eyeball is super red and aches pretty bad.
*edit- probably should have used a throwaway account, double fuck up . also first time poster
|
my eyeball is probably pregnant with my own child
|
jizzing in my own face
|
[
"20 minutes ago i was jerking off, but i didn't",
"realize my dick was pointing straight at my face",
"so i jizzed full force into my poor poor eyeball.",
"like i'm talking projectile jizzing. like that",
"jizz stuff that spiderman uses. now my eyeball is",
"super red and aches pretty bad.",
"*edit- probably should have used a throwaway",
"account, double fuck up . also first time poster"
] |
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jizz stuff that spiderman uses. now my eyeball is
|
2 | 11 | 0.57 | 2 |
so, i recently met, and messaged a woman on an online dating site. held a conversation with her, getting to know her a bit, standard practices when looking for a relationship. about half way through, after mention some of my family members and their professions. she begins asking me particularly a lot about my brother in law. and eventually asks for my sister's name. and as you expect, she knows them. now, the conversation should have ended here. but, the idea of simply pretending we did not figure this little hiccup out crossed our minds. and the conversation grew very sexual as we both became turned on by the thought of this little taboo. suffice to say, two days of non-stop texting, and we met. no date, no games, straight to sex. now, the fuck up is. though it was most certainly an exciting evening, that was solely furthered by the taboo not her personality or appearance, not to say she is an unattractive woman, but she is not my typical type. the sex in hind site was, okay at best, and personally i would rather not continue the 'affair' any longer that one time. however, i am now stuck in a dilemma, how do i approach this woman to call off this situation. i know i will be judged by my typical move, which is if a date does not go well in my mind or i am not attracted once meeting, i simply drop contact. but the fact that this woman knows my family and apparently had a fling with my brother in law at some point in the distant past, which she mentioned after coitus, makes this a little challenging. as i do not want to be blackmailed into anything. i get the vibe she would not tell the family. but if i present this cancellation poorly i feel like she might force my hand. so now i'm stuck here trying to figure out a good excuse.
**
|
**: a horny man had sex with a friend of his sister and her husbands. he wants to leave as a one-time thing, but he is worried about being blackmailed.
|
having sex with my sister and brother-in-law's friend.
|
[
"so, i recently met, and messaged a woman on an",
"online dating site. held a conversation with her,",
"getting to know her a bit, standard practices",
"when looking for a relationship. about half way",
"through, after mention some of my family members",
"and their professions. she begins asking me",
"particularly a lot about my brother in law. and",
"eventually asks for my sister's name. and as you",
"expect, she knows them. now, the conversation",
"should have ended here. but, the idea of simply",
"pretending we did not figure this little hiccup",
"out crossed our minds. and the conversation grew",
"very sexual as we both became turned on by the",
"thought of this little taboo. suffice to say, two",
"days of non-stop texting, and we met. no date, no",
"games, straight to sex. now, the fuck up is.",
"though it was most certainly an exciting evening,",
"that was solely furthered by the taboo not her",
"personality or appearance, not to say she is an",
"unattractive woman, but she is not my typical",
"type. the sex in hind site was, okay at best, and",
"personally i would rather not continue the",
"'affair' any longer that one time. however, i am",
"now stuck in a dilemma, how do i approach this",
"woman to call off this situation. i know i will",
"be judged by my typical move, which is if a date",
"does not go well in my mind or i am not attracted",
"once meeting, i simply drop contact. but the fact",
"that this woman knows my family and apparently",
"had a fling with my brother in law at some point",
"in the distant past, which she mentioned after",
"coitus, makes this a little challenging. as i do",
"not want to be blackmailed into anything. i get",
"the vibe she would not tell the family. but if i",
"present this cancellation poorly i feel like she",
"might force my hand. so now i'm stuck here trying",
"to figure out a good excuse.",
"**"
] |
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particularly a lot about my brother in law. and should have ended here. but, the idea of simply games, straight to sex. now, the fuck up is. had a fling with my brother in law at some point
|
3 | 24 | 0.5 | 3 |
man this sucked. i am an 18 year old male who is going off to college this fall, and all of my friends are doing the same but with different colleges. i have a friend, we'll call her sarah, who i really like. she is funny, kind, patient, and one of the genuine best people i have ever met. you know how people talk about people "radiating with god's love"? that is this girl (and i am not even sure if i believe in god, but that is another story). she is the kind of person i want in my life. she isn't the best looking girl i know, maybe a 6 or 7 out of ten (according to other people i know), but she has gorgeous eyes and her personality makes up for anything she may be lacking looks wise (which i don't personally think she is). as for me, i am not a good judge of how good looking i am, but according to my other female friend most girls my age consider me a 9 or 10 (we don't use numbers, but just very good looking, trying to communicate it understandably, you get the idea). not sure if this is relevant but it might be. we are both single, and a lot of our mostly male friends group is dating but not all. we have recently met up and just chatted for a while at a coffee shop a couple times, which is nice because we enjoy talking to each other, but only as friends. our friendship is a little different than usual. we have both suffered from similar health problems throughout high school, and have a special understanding of each other that people that haven't had 24/7 migraines for the past couple years just don't have. she has in the past told me that she loved me once recently, when i said something particularly nice to her when she was in a lot of pain and struggling a lot. she had her wisdom teeth out yesterday so i messaged her and asked her how she was doing, partly because i care about her and partly because i am going to have the same thing done soon and was curious about how it would go. she said she was in pain but resting and doing ok. i then casually said "i love you sarah. take care." i didn't think about it at the time that much, and assumed that since she had used the same word in a similar context that it would be ok. i got a response a while later that read "thank you friend", which was out of character and scared the living sh!t out of me. she obviously didn't read the word in the same context as she had used it in respects to me earlier, and this was potentially friendship destroying. i don't think us dating would ever happen, but i liked entertaining the possibility that it might, and that was shut down right then and there. what was more important to me after being unintentionally friend-zoned was our friendship, which could have been lost. she is one of the few people i can actually talk to comfortably about anything, and i don't want to lose that. "love" is a dangerous word, and i didn't think that it was as big of a deal to her as i found out it is now. being friends is great, but any romantic feelings being inserted into the friendship either takes it to the next level or breaks it irreparably, and clearly the feelings i have for her but didn't intend to communicate are not returned. i am not good with picking up small signals that would indicate if a woman is interested in me or not, but, according to my friends, there are women interested in me, so i could get a girlfriend if i wanted to, but this sarah is special. i sent her a message later that explained that i was really sorry for saying that and i meant that i cared about her, not that i was romantically interested in her (which i am but didn't intend to communicate) and that i don't think that love is a word to be used lightly and that i was stupid and i was sorry about it. she thanked me for the apology and said she agreed about love not being used lightly (which is not in line with her previous usage of the word) and said no worries and that she values our friendship too, but i am still worried it might never be the same. any advice?
|
told a girl i am interested in i love her, was taken as romatically and not as a friend, she didn't think the same, apologized, she said no worries, still scared sh!less.
|
telling a girl i love her
|
[
"man this sucked. i am an 18 year old male who is",
"going off to college this fall, and all of my",
"friends are doing the same but with different",
"colleges. i have a friend, we'll call her sarah,",
"who i really like. she is funny, kind, patient,",
"and one of the genuine best people i have ever",
"met. you know how people talk about people",
"\"radiating with god's love\"? that is this girl",
"(and i am not even sure if i believe in god, but",
"that is another story). she is the kind of",
"person i want in my life. she isn't the best",
"looking girl i know, maybe a 6 or 7 out of ten",
"(according to other people i know), but she has",
"gorgeous eyes and her personality makes up for",
"anything she may be lacking looks wise (which i",
"don't personally think she is). as for me, i am",
"not a good judge of how good looking i am, but",
"according to my other female friend most girls my",
"age consider me a 9 or 10 (we don't use numbers,",
"but just very good looking, trying to communicate",
"it understandably, you get the idea). not sure",
"if this is relevant but it might be. we are both",
"single, and a lot of our mostly male friends",
"group is dating but not all. we have recently",
"met up and just chatted for a while at a coffee",
"shop a couple times, which is nice because we",
"enjoy talking to each other, but only as friends.",
"our friendship is a little different than usual.",
"we have both suffered from similar health",
"problems throughout high school, and have a",
"special understanding of each other that people",
"that haven't had 24/7 migraines for the past",
"couple years just don't have. she has in the",
"past told me that she loved me once recently,",
"when i said something particularly nice to her",
"when she was in a lot of pain and struggling a",
"lot. she had her wisdom teeth out yesterday so i",
"messaged her and asked her how she was doing,",
"partly because i care about her and partly",
"because i am going to have the same thing done",
"soon and was curious about how it would go. she",
"said she was in pain but resting and doing ok. i",
"then casually said \"i love you sarah. take",
"care.\" i didn't think about it at the time that",
"much, and assumed that since she had used the",
"same word in a similar context that it would be",
"ok. i got a response a while later that read",
"\"thank you friend\", which was out of character",
"and scared the living sh!t out of me. she",
"obviously didn't read the word in the same",
"context as she had used it in respects to me",
"earlier, and this was potentially friendship",
"destroying. i don't think us dating would ever",
"happen, but i liked entertaining the possibility",
"that it might, and that was shut down right then",
"and there. what was more important to me after",
"being unintentionally friend-zoned was our",
"friendship, which could have been lost. she is",
"one of the few people i can actually talk to",
"comfortably about anything, and i don't want to",
"lose that. \"love\" is a dangerous word, and i",
"didn't think that it was as big of a deal to her",
"as i found out it is now. being friends is",
"great, but any romantic feelings being inserted",
"into the friendship either takes it to the next",
"level or breaks it irreparably, and clearly the",
"feelings i have for her but didn't intend to",
"communicate are not returned. i am not good with",
"picking up small signals that would indicate if a",
"woman is interested in me or not, but, according",
"to my friends, there are women interested in me,",
"so i could get a girlfriend if i wanted to, but",
"this sarah is special. i sent her a message",
"later that explained that i was really sorry for",
"saying that and i meant that i cared about her,",
"not that i was romantically interested in her",
"(which i am but didn't intend to communicate) and",
"that i don't think that love is a word to be used",
"lightly and that i was stupid and i was sorry",
"about it. she thanked me for the apology and",
"said she agreed about love not being used lightly",
"(which is not in line with her previous usage of",
"the word) and said no worries and that she values",
"our friendship too, but i am still worried it",
"might never be the same. any advice?"
] |
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because i am going to have the same thing done didn't think that it was as big of a deal to her not that i was romantically interested in her the word) and said no worries and that she values
|
5 | 2 | 0.72 | 5 |
so basically here's the background: i'm on vacation in ecuador with my family and i was taking a long walk far away from the nearest restroom.
so me and my family were at a museum, and so we get done observing all of the nooks and crannies inside and since this museum is in a somewhat remote zone, there is no taxis and we are forced to go through a little path there is to a town we are staying at. so me and my brother are talking about random shit like the new planet that was discovered, until i feel a piss coming on. i tell my brother i will be with him in a few minutes and i jog a little bit ahead. so to amuse myself i twist my dick to left and proceed to urinate(keep in mind there is no public bathrooms in ecuador). i see the warm yellow liquid hitting the ground so i think all is well. then i put my dick back in my pants, then i look to the left and to my horror, there is a long strip of liquid on the left side of my shorts. i go back to my brother and tell him of my unfortunate happening and he gives me a towel to hold awkwardly around my waist. i haul ass back to my hotel room and turns out i forgot the key to my room. i am just sitting in front of my door connected to the hotel wifi
|
i twisted my dick to piss and had an awkward situation
|
trying to pee sideways
|
[
"so basically here's the background: i'm on",
"vacation in ecuador with my family and i was",
"taking a long walk far away from the nearest",
"restroom.",
"so me and my family were at a museum, and so we",
"get done observing all of the nooks and crannies",
"inside and since this museum is in a somewhat",
"remote zone, there is no taxis and we are forced",
"to go through a little path there is to a town we",
"are staying at. so me and my brother are talking",
"about random shit like the new planet that was",
"discovered, until i feel a piss coming on. i tell",
"my brother i will be with him in a few minutes",
"and i jog a little bit ahead. so to amuse myself",
"i twist my dick to left and proceed to",
"urinate(keep in mind there is no public bathrooms",
"in ecuador). i see the warm yellow liquid hitting",
"the ground so i think all is well. then i put my",
"dick back in my pants, then i look to the left",
"and to my horror, there is a long strip of liquid",
"on the left side of my shorts. i go back to my",
"brother and tell him of my unfortunate happening",
"and he gives me a towel to hold awkwardly around",
"my waist. i haul ass back to my hotel room and",
"turns out i forgot the key to my room. i am just",
"sitting in front of my door connected to the",
"hotel wifi"
] |
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i twist my dick to left and proceed to
|
5 | 2 | 0.82 | 5 |
this happened to me about a year ago.
it was my freshman year homecoming dance. i was just as excited as anyone i suppose. although i was kinda bummed my date canceled last minute, i still went because i'll be damned if i'm gonna let that ruin my good time.
so i show up, talk to a couple friends, blah blah blah, then the first song starts, cha cha slide, my best friend jose says "come and dance op" me, not being one to disappoint say why the hell not.
now i've never heard this song, nor done the dance, i just figured it was a thing were you just kinda hop around, whatever. anyway, everyone arranges themselves into a grid formation, i think to myself "this is a little strange" then dj casper starts singing commands at everyone. this is where i realized i fu. i start bumping into people left and right, stepping on feet etc, continue like that for 4 minutes, and i'm thoroughly embarrassed by the end of the song. pretty sure half the people there wanted to kick my ass.
|
did the cha cha, didn't slide, pissed people off
|
not knowing how to cha cha slide
|
[
"this happened to me about a year ago.",
"it was my freshman year homecoming dance. i was",
"just as excited as anyone i suppose. although i",
"was kinda bummed my date canceled last minute, i",
"still went because i'll be damned if i'm gonna",
"let that ruin my good time.",
"so i show up, talk to a couple friends, blah blah",
"blah, then the first song starts, cha cha slide,",
"my best friend jose says \"come and dance op\" me,",
"not being one to disappoint say why the hell not.",
"now i've never heard this song, nor done the",
"dance, i just figured it was a thing were you",
"just kinda hop around, whatever. anyway, everyone",
"arranges themselves into a grid formation, i",
"think to myself \"this is a little strange\" then",
"dj casper starts singing commands at everyone.",
"this is where i realized i fu. i start bumping",
"into people left and right, stepping on feet etc,",
"continue like that for 4 minutes, and i'm",
"thoroughly embarrassed by the end of the song.",
"pretty sure half the people there wanted to kick",
"my ass."
] |
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blah, then the first song starts, cha cha slide,
|
0 | 108 | 0.22 | 0 |
this is a "sequel" to [my previous](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/3elaq7/tifu_by_forgetting_to_cut_off_a_price_tag_on_a/) fu.
if you never read my previous fu let me catch you up on some shit i have done.
i was charged an extra $25 because the cashier thought i was buying 5 reusable bags, that i already bought. since after construction and college i am in debt i flip out and **smash** my gf's $1,250 microwave and cause a mess in the kitchen and at the end of the day feel like shit.
i decided to come back to the store, so i could fix the error. first i was bounced around a couple cashiers which made me very mad, but finally i was brought to the manager, he tells me to sit down and we start talking. since there wasn't any proof of me *not* buying the reusable bag i could not get my money back, so i calmly ask to see the security camera footage but the manager says he has no access. (he has **no** access?! he is a fucking *manager* wtf?) so i yell "motherfucker do your job!" and he says that he will call the cops if i talk to him with such manners, so i storm out of the office, which was right near the "joe's kitchen" which is where guests van taste food, i see that their serving slices of cake, so i steal one from what looked like a 7 year old girl, and **smear it** in her fucking face. suddenly all the people look at me and i yell "who wants more fucking cake you shit-faces!?" i don't know why i did it but i pushed the fucking lady who served the cake, she started screaming, and i was throwing food and forks at people while everyone is screaming and swearing. i also start screaming and cursing while breaking everything around me. suddenly a security guard appears and i book it out of there, running and not looking back i knock things off shelves and ran into the fruit stand spilling bananas everywhere, then in the state i was at, i decided it would be a good idea to throw oil to slow the guard down, i get olive oil on another shelf knocking over everything else, throw it and then watch in horror as a men in his 80s on crutches slips and falls right on his back, i swear i heard a crack and when i was running out of the store heard people yelling to call the ambulance. but soon when i ran out i realized that i am so banned from the store, so crying i ran home.
my gf was waiting there, she said sorry for also overreacting and asked why i looked so tensed up and worried. but i was so scared that her question ticked me off and i yelled "bitch make your mouth useful and suck my dick, little fucker" she got so ticked off by that she **nailed me in the balls**, my fucking **balls**. i fell to the ground in pain and moaned, she cursed at me. finally after 5 minutes of agony, i stood up, got a hammer and chased her ass through the house, she yelled and screamed for help, well then i tripped and face planted into the tiled floor, blood coming out of my nose... i got so pissed off i yell "fuck you!" and barge in the kitchen and smash the refrigerator door, smash the sink which led to water leaking and then smashed the blender. my gf was so pissed by then she grabbed the hammer, nailed me in the fucking balls again, and literally kicked me out of the house, and said that she will file a restraining order if i try to get in our, now her, house.
however she did not need to, a cop car came by, and now i am in over $5000 worth of criminal related charges, have to pay for the man's medical bill, for my gfs destroyed kitchen and kitchen appliances, and may have to do community service, this fucking sucks, and it all started when the fucking cashier made me spend **25** extra fucking dollars!
edit: $7300 of charges, they will rise in the remaining hour as the manager calculates the damage done.
edit 2: i am getting over 48 hrs. of community service $7400, shit the price is going up, yet the money i have is going down. my laptop has 12% battery, gotta figure out how to make a charger.
edit 3: my gf said she is willing to pay off some of my debts, also to avoid some confusions, the family that was affected by the cake smashing *refused* to press additional charges as well as my gf, the family said that their uncle had a mental disorder and suspected me having one too, my gf refused because of her forgiving heart. the most debts i will have is from the man who slipped, i am yet to get a medical bill and possibly more charges.
edit 4: okay this sucks, the medical bill came in and right now it is $14,920+ what the fuck?! that is insane, and as far as i know it may rise due to tax and shit. also customers are pressing charges for battery even though i barely touched them. so far if i bring all the latest calculations together i owe nearly $27,300+ as well as college loans, my gf said she doesn't want the money for the microwave and will help pay the debts, however she works a a starbucks which gives only a little over minimum wage, and before she worked in mcdonalds. i had a non-stable job, but with these issues rising i was fired and a criminal record was put on my applications. this is a huge fu reddit, huge!
edit 5: to avoid confusion i do not know which news showcased what happened. my friend spoon-fed me some sites but fellow redditors found no articles, so i guess that was a trick to make me feel worse about myself. also i am at $30,000+ at this very moment, and court will be sentencing me soon, right now i am sitting in this office with a guard here and am not allowed to exit or do anything.
edit 6: his computer got confiscated so now i am in charge of the account, we will attend court and we will update you on the sentence.
|
went back to the store to fix the error caused by the cashier, insulted the manager, threw a tantrum, destroyed the food display, caused a man in his 80s get injured, destroyed my gfs kitchen, she will not come back ever again, in over $7000 worth of charged, and they will rise.
|
going back to trader joes so they fix the error of charging me an extra $25, throw a tantrum in the store, get kicked out, go back home and destroy the kitchen, my gf kicks me out and it only got worse...
|
[
"this is a \"sequel\" to [my",
"previous](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/",
"3elaq7/tifu_by_forgetting_to_cut_off_a_price_tag_o",
"n_a/)",
"fu.",
"if you never read my previous fu let me catch you",
"up on some shit i have done.",
"i was charged an extra $25 because the cashier",
"thought i was buying 5 reusable bags, that i",
"already bought. since after construction and",
"college i am in debt i flip out and **smash** my",
"gf's $1,250 microwave and cause a mess in the",
"kitchen and at the end of the day feel like shit.",
"i decided to come back to the store, so i could",
"fix the error. first i was bounced around a",
"couple cashiers which made me very mad, but",
"finally i was brought to the manager, he tells me",
"to sit down and we start talking. since there",
"wasn't any proof of me *not* buying the reusable",
"bag i could not get my money back, so i calmly",
"ask to see the security camera footage but the",
"manager says he has no access. (he has **no**",
"access?! he is a fucking *manager* wtf?) so i",
"yell \"motherfucker do your job!\" and he says that",
"he will call the cops if i talk to him with such",
"manners, so i storm out of the office, which was",
"right near the \"joe's kitchen\" which is where",
"guests van taste food, i see that their serving",
"slices of cake, so i steal one from what looked",
"like a 7 year old girl, and **smear it** in her",
"fucking face. suddenly all the people look at me",
"and i yell \"who wants more fucking cake you",
"shit-faces!?\" i don't know why i did it but i",
"pushed the fucking lady who served the cake, she",
"started screaming, and i was throwing food and",
"forks at people while everyone is screaming and",
"swearing. i also start screaming and cursing",
"while breaking everything around me. suddenly a",
"security guard appears and i book it out of",
"there, running and not looking back i knock",
"things off shelves and ran into the fruit stand",
"spilling bananas everywhere, then in the state i",
"was at, i decided it would be a good idea to",
"throw oil to slow the guard down, i get olive oil",
"on another shelf knocking over everything else,",
"throw it and then watch in horror as a men in his",
"80s on crutches slips and falls right on his",
"back, i swear i heard a crack and when i was",
"running out of the store heard people yelling to",
"call the ambulance. but soon when i ran out i",
"realized that i am so banned from the store, so",
"crying i ran home.",
"my gf was waiting there, she said sorry for also",
"overreacting and asked why i looked so tensed up",
"and worried. but i was so scared that her",
"question ticked me off and i yelled \"bitch make",
"your mouth useful and suck my dick, little",
"fucker\" she got so ticked off by that she",
"**nailed me in the balls**, my fucking **balls**.",
"i fell to the ground in pain and moaned, she",
"cursed at me. finally after 5 minutes of agony, i",
"stood up, got a hammer and chased her ass through",
"the house, she yelled and screamed for help, well",
"then i tripped and face planted into the tiled",
"floor, blood coming out of my nose... i got so",
"pissed off i yell \"fuck you!\" and barge in the",
"kitchen and smash the refrigerator door, smash",
"the sink which led to water leaking and then",
"smashed the blender. my gf was so pissed by then",
"she grabbed the hammer, nailed me in the fucking",
"balls again, and literally kicked me out of the",
"house, and said that she will file a restraining",
"order if i try to get in our, now her, house.",
"however she did not need to, a cop car came by,",
"and now i am in over $5000 worth of criminal",
"related charges, have to pay for the man's",
"medical bill, for my gfs destroyed kitchen and",
"kitchen appliances, and may have to do community",
"service, this fucking sucks, and it all started",
"when the fucking cashier made me spend **25**",
"extra fucking dollars!",
"edit: $7300 of charges, they will rise in the",
"remaining hour as the manager calculates the",
"damage done.",
"edit 2: i am getting over 48 hrs. of community",
"service $7400, shit the price is going up, yet",
"the money i have is going down. my laptop has 12%",
"battery, gotta figure out how to make a charger.",
"edit 3: my gf said she is willing to pay off some",
"of my debts, also to avoid some confusions, the",
"family that was affected by the cake smashing",
"*refused* to press additional charges as well as",
"my gf, the family said that their uncle had a",
"mental disorder and suspected me having one too,",
"my gf refused because of her forgiving heart. the",
"most debts i will have is from the man who",
"slipped, i am yet to get a medical bill and",
"possibly more charges.",
"edit 4: okay this sucks, the medical bill came in",
"and right now it is $14,920+ what the fuck?! that",
"is insane, and as far as i know it may rise due",
"to tax and shit. also customers are pressing",
"charges for battery even though i barely touched",
"them. so far if i bring all the latest",
"calculations together i owe nearly $27,300+ as",
"well as college loans, my gf said she doesn't",
"want the money for the microwave and will help",
"pay the debts, however she works a a starbucks",
"which gives only a little over minimum wage, and",
"before she worked in mcdonalds. i had a",
"non-stable job, but with these issues rising i",
"was fired and a criminal record was put on my",
"applications. this is a huge fu reddit, huge!",
"edit 5: to avoid confusion i do not know which",
"news showcased what happened. my friend spoon-fed",
"me some sites but fellow redditors found no",
"articles, so i guess that was a trick to make me",
"feel worse about myself. also i am at $30,000+ at",
"this very moment, and court will be sentencing me",
"soon, right now i am sitting in this office with",
"a guard here and am not allowed to exit or do",
"anything.",
"edit 6: his computer got confiscated so now i am",
"in charge of the account, we will attend court",
"and we will update you on the sentence."
] |
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i was charged an extra $25 because the cashier i decided to come back to the store, so i could fix the error. first i was bounced around a and now i am in over $5000 worth of criminal medical bill, for my gfs destroyed kitchen and edit: $7300 of charges, they will rise in the
|
3 | 8 | 0.83 | 3 |
throwaway because too lazy to have alts...
i got high on edibles today while the wife was out shopping and i had to watch after my 8 yo son and 4 yo daughter. now we were all sitting there watching a spongebob movie, when during one scene we see plankton's restaurant name: "chum bucket," at which point i chuckled and said out loud: "don't you mean cum bucket." there were a few seconds of silence, and then came the dreadful "daddy...what's a cum bucket?"
|
had to explain to my son what a cum bucket was because of spongebob, while high on edibles
|
saying cum bucket in front of my 8 year old son
|
[
"throwaway because too lazy to have alts...",
"i got high on edibles today while the wife was",
"out shopping and i had to watch after my 8 yo son",
"and 4 yo daughter. now we were all sitting there",
"watching a spongebob movie, when during one scene",
"we see plankton's restaurant name: \"chum bucket,\"",
"at which point i chuckled and said out loud:",
"\"don't you mean cum bucket.\" there were a few",
"seconds of silence, and then came the dreadful",
"\"daddy...what's a cum bucket?\""
] |
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0.747835677771999
] |
i got high on edibles today while the wife was "daddy...what's a cum bucket?"
|
11 | 5 | 0.88 | 11 |
so the company i work for organizes an annual picnic at kennywood, pittsburgh. i skipped last year and decided to check it out this time around after having heard a few interesting things (like the park being designated a national and state historic landmark).
i got up early, took a shower and realized i only had a couple of t-shirts to wear (the rest were in the laundry basket). so i just picked one, got dressed and drove to the park with a couple of my friends.
the rides were kinda fun and i was having a good time. but i soon noticed people giving off this strange vibe. there were a lot of stares directed towards me. i could hear people standing close by in a queue whispering things to their friends/family. i soon realized what it was.
i told my friends that we should get lunch and leave and so we did. after we got to the car, i realized i had dropped my wallet. so i rushed back to the entrance, spoke with the staff who then allowed me to re-enter. that was when a security guard yelled asking me to stop. he told me he had a problem with my t-shirt telling me that it would cause a 'stir' in the park.
it is at this point that i would like to mention that i am an indian guy in my mid-twenties wearing a t-shirt which read "international secret intelligence service". isis for short.
soon there was a small commotion as i tried to explain to the guard that the logo was from a tv show and that i was in no way affiliated to the other isis making headlines in the news. the staff soon arrived asking what the problem was and luckily they let me go. surprisingly enough, i found my wallet as well and made my way out, covering up my t-shirt with a map and not wanting to attract more attention.
it certainly was an unpleasant experience but i realized it could have been worse had i not shaved my beard the previous day.
http://static.iwantmoretoys.com/images/products/isis-logo-t-shirt.jpg
|
indian archer fan wears isis t-shirt to a popular, crowded amusement park.
|
wearing the wrong t-shirt to an amusement park.
|
[
"so the company i work for organizes an annual",
"picnic at kennywood, pittsburgh. i skipped last",
"year and decided to check it out this time around",
"after having heard a few interesting things (like",
"the park being designated a national and state",
"historic landmark).",
"i got up early, took a shower and realized i only",
"had a couple of t-shirts to wear (the rest were",
"in the laundry basket). so i just picked one, got",
"dressed and drove to the park with a couple of my",
"friends.",
"the rides were kinda fun and i was having a good",
"time. but i soon noticed people giving off this",
"strange vibe. there were a lot of stares directed",
"towards me. i could hear people standing close by",
"in a queue whispering things to their",
"friends/family. i soon realized what it was.",
"i told my friends that we should get lunch and",
"leave and so we did. after we got to the car, i",
"realized i had dropped my wallet. so i rushed",
"back to the entrance, spoke with the staff who",
"then allowed me to re-enter. that was when a",
"security guard yelled asking me to stop. he told",
"me he had a problem with my t-shirt telling me",
"that it would cause a 'stir' in the park.",
"it is at this point that i would like to mention",
"that i am an indian guy in my mid-twenties",
"wearing a t-shirt which read \"international",
"secret intelligence service\". isis for short.",
"soon there was a small commotion as i tried to",
"explain to the guard that the logo was from a tv",
"show and that i was in no way affiliated to the",
"other isis making headlines in the news. the",
"staff soon arrived asking what the problem was",
"and luckily they let me go. surprisingly enough,",
"i found my wallet as well and made my way out,",
"covering up my t-shirt with a map and not wanting",
"to attract more attention.",
"it certainly was an unpleasant experience but i",
"realized it could have been worse had i not",
"shaved my beard the previous day.",
"http://static.iwantmoretoys.com/images/products/i",
"sis-logo-t-shirt.jpg"
] |
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dressed and drove to the park with a couple of my wearing a t-shirt which read "international
|
5 | 7 | 0.88 | 5 |
this happened a few months ago, but man did it mess me up. i'm an incredibly shy guy around women. i always have been. to the point where introducing myself out of nowhere is a nearly impossible task.
so this new girl at my work shows up, and she's *gorgeous*. and that's rare, because i work overnight shifts, and by and large, pretty people can't be bothered to be working this late. trust me, there's a shocking lack of sex appeal on my team, both male and female. eventually, the moment presents itself. she's working alone, i'm just getting off, and also just clocked out. so i walk up to her, talkin' as smooth as a cat's tongue. i make my way around to asking her if she'd any plans after work, and she said no. i invite her to get something to eat, and she accepts. i get her number, and text her to give her mine.
i wait until she's off to text her, and ask if she'd like me to pick her up for breakfast. no response. i figure, whatever, she's getting ready. so i do the same. an hour later, no response. trying to keep my cool, i refrain from texting her any more. two hours pass, and i shoot a text along the lines of "are we still good for breakfast?"
nothing. over the next few days, nothing. absolutely no form of correspondence. i kinda sat down for a while with that blank "what the fuck" kind of expression, then just slept for the rest of the day. it was awful.
|
first time i've ever introduced myself and asked an attractive girl on a date out of the blue. was rewarded for it by getting stood up.
|
getting the nerve to ask a girl out
|
[
"this happened a few months ago, but man did it",
"mess me up. i'm an incredibly shy guy around",
"women. i always have been. to the point where",
"introducing myself out of nowhere is a nearly",
"impossible task.",
"so this new girl at my work shows up, and she's",
"*gorgeous*. and that's rare, because i work",
"overnight shifts, and by and large, pretty people",
"can't be bothered to be working this late. trust",
"me, there's a shocking lack of sex appeal on my",
"team, both male and female. eventually, the",
"moment presents itself. she's working alone, i'm",
"just getting off, and also just clocked out. so i",
"walk up to her, talkin' as smooth as a cat's",
"tongue. i make my way around to asking her if",
"she'd any plans after work, and she said no. i",
"invite her to get something to eat, and she",
"accepts. i get her number, and text her to give",
"her mine.",
"i wait until she's off to text her, and ask if",
"she'd like me to pick her up for breakfast. no",
"response. i figure, whatever, she's getting",
"ready. so i do the same. an hour later, no",
"response. trying to keep my cool, i refrain from",
"texting her any more. two hours pass, and i shoot",
"a text along the lines of \"are we still good for",
"breakfast?\"",
"nothing. over the next few days, nothing.",
"absolutely no form of correspondence. i kinda sat",
"down for a while with that blank \"what the fuck\"",
"kind of expression, then just slept for the rest",
"of the day. it was awful."
] |
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introducing myself out of nowhere is a nearly so this new girl at my work shows up, and she's of the day. it was awful.
|
42 | 28 | 0.83 | 42 |
********possible vulgar language (sfw)********
hi, /r/tifu!
of course, this didn't happen today, but who's counting? it happened a month ago, i think.
well, there was this girl i really liked. you know, she seemed like girlfriend material and was nice, pretty, smart, you know; seemed like the perfect one.
fu#1: so one day being drunk old me, i decided to ask her out. pulled my phone out, opened up viber and like a slick bastard started chatting with her. just the usual shit, "how are you?", "fine, hbu?", "how was school?", etc.
fu#2: "i wanted to ask you something", slick old me asked, "you wanna go watch a movie or sth with me?". in my country we had some stupid religious traditions that weekend (i do not co-operate on such bullshit), so she couldn't come, and she said that someone else would probably come. now, instead of just backing the fuck up, i sent her a message: "it's not the movie, it's you!". she was of course a little bit shocked and wanted me to explain.
fu#3: as drunk as i was, i sent her: "*clears throat* (for some reason she found those third person messages to be cute) weeeell, i like you!". i got no response for like 5 minutes (being drunk and anxious feels like shit, btw).
fu#4: since i realized that nothing is gonna happen, i just wanted to be the funny bastard i am, so i said: "*smiles trying not to be awkward*". mind you, i was drunk, very drunk.
fu#5: i asked if she was ok, since i cared about her more than myself.
now everyone is messing with me at school since she told the *smiles trying not to be awkward* to everyone. and to be honest, i don't give a fuck. but i kept my mouth shut thinking she might be ashamed of me.
now, i feel like a dog with whom was fucked around.
would appreciate some creative comments! :)
edit #1: thanks for the advice!
edit #2: in my country we can drink from 18, just to get that out; i don't want anyone to think that drinking is something kids should do! *kids, don't do drugs or alcohol.*
|
i wanted to skate, she wanted to procrastinate? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (i suck at tl;drs)
|
trying to tell a girl i like her
|
[
"********possible vulgar language (sfw)********",
"hi, /r/tifu!",
"of course, this didn't happen today, but who's",
"counting? it happened a month ago, i think.",
"well, there was this girl i really liked. you",
"know, she seemed like girlfriend material and was",
"nice, pretty, smart, you know; seemed like the",
"perfect one.",
"fu#1: so one day being drunk old me, i decided to",
"ask her out. pulled my phone out, opened up viber",
"and like a slick bastard started chatting with",
"her. just the usual shit, \"how are you?\", \"fine,",
"hbu?\", \"how was school?\", etc.",
"fu#2: \"i wanted to ask you something\", slick old",
"me asked, \"you wanna go watch a movie or sth with",
"me?\". in my country we had some stupid religious",
"traditions that weekend (i do not co-operate on",
"such bullshit), so she couldn't come, and she",
"said that someone else would probably come. now,",
"instead of just backing the fuck up, i sent her a",
"message: \"it's not the movie, it's you!\". she was",
"of course a little bit shocked and wanted me to",
"explain.",
"fu#3: as drunk as i was, i sent her: \"*clears",
"throat* (for some reason she found those third",
"person messages to be cute) weeeell, i like",
"you!\". i got no response for like 5 minutes",
"(being drunk and anxious feels like shit, btw).",
"fu#4: since i realized that nothing is gonna",
"happen, i just wanted to be the funny bastard i",
"am, so i said: \"*smiles trying not to be",
"awkward*\". mind you, i was drunk, very drunk.",
"fu#5: i asked if she was ok, since i cared about",
"her more than myself.",
"now everyone is messing with me at school since",
"she told the *smiles trying not to be awkward* to",
"everyone. and to be honest, i don't give a fuck.",
"but i kept my mouth shut thinking she might be",
"ashamed of me.",
"now, i feel like a dog with whom was fucked",
"around.",
"would appreciate some creative comments! :)",
"edit #1: thanks for the advice!",
"edit #2: in my country we can drink from 18, just",
"to get that out; i don't want anyone to think",
"that drinking is something kids should do! *kids,",
"don't do drugs or alcohol.*"
] |
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fu#2: "i wanted to ask you something", slick old
|
13 | 2 | 0.79 | 13 |
this was about 30 minutes ago, but i'm still in the war zone.
so around halloween i bought 2 pumpkins. 1 i carved and it went home with my girlfriend. the other i brought back to my apartment with the intention to cook and devour, because me love some pumpkin pie. laziness ensues and my pumpkin ends up on my balcony for the next six months. i live in the north, so the gargantuan amount of snow kept said pumpkin from rotting to nothingness.
come a few weeks ago and i see the shriveled remains of my sad pumpkin. i feel bad, so i vow to give it a proper burial in the complex dumpster. laziness ensues again and it ends up in my trash barrel, which happens to be in a mini closet near the kitchen. now i don't generate a lot of trash, so that door stayed relatively shut for the next two weeks.
i come home today and my elevator is broken. i proceed to walk up five flights of stairs and open my apartment door, winded because again, laziness. the first thing i see are black spots littering my walls and i think "holy hell i'm about to pass out from walking up stairs?" imagine if you will my excitement at realizing my apartment is instead full of fat ass flies. i open the door to my trash room and find the obvious source of the problem.
be me for the next two hours burning incense and chasing flies with my vacuum cleaner.
don't get lazy kids.
|
neglect pumpkin, become lord of the flies.
|
buying a pumpkin
|
[
"this was about 30 minutes ago, but i'm still in",
"the war zone.",
"so around halloween i bought 2 pumpkins. 1 i",
"carved and it went home with my girlfriend. the",
"other i brought back to my apartment with the",
"intention to cook and devour, because me love",
"some pumpkin pie. laziness ensues and my pumpkin",
"ends up on my balcony for the next six months. i",
"live in the north, so the gargantuan amount of",
"snow kept said pumpkin from rotting to",
"nothingness.",
"come a few weeks ago and i see the shriveled",
"remains of my sad pumpkin. i feel bad, so i vow",
"to give it a proper burial in the complex",
"dumpster. laziness ensues again and it ends up in",
"my trash barrel, which happens to be in a mini",
"closet near the kitchen. now i don't generate a",
"lot of trash, so that door stayed relatively shut",
"for the next two weeks.",
"i come home today and my elevator is broken. i",
"proceed to walk up five flights of stairs and",
"open my apartment door, winded because again,",
"laziness. the first thing i see are black spots",
"littering my walls and i think \"holy hell i'm",
"about to pass out from walking up stairs?\"",
"imagine if you will my excitement at realizing my",
"apartment is instead full of fat ass flies. i",
"open the door to my trash room and find the",
"obvious source of the problem.",
"be me for the next two hours burning incense and",
"chasing flies with my vacuum cleaner.",
"don't get lazy kids."
] |
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obvious source of the problem.
|
1 | 2 | 0.67 | 1 |
this didn't actually happen today, but many, many years ago when i was in 3rd grade, i think 2001 or 2002. the school had just gotten some soccer net frames that for a while were just down to bare metal. i liked to play on them during recess, since there wasn't a jungle gym on the school's playground, and the back end made a great balance beam. for a while it was pretty fun, and other kids joined in too.
but one day it all changed. the soccer net frames seemed a bit different for some reason. i thought nothing of it while i was playing on it. then soon my teacher runs over yelling at me. he tells me to get off of there because the frames got painted white and they were drying. he makes me go to the classroom for the rest of recess as punishment.
this is where i fu. as i was walking back to the classroom i tried to tell my teacher i didn't know i couldn't play on the frames. however, he wasn't paying much attention to what i said, and thought i was cussing him out under my breath. this made me lose recess for the whole week
to add insult to injury, i also had to go to the counselor's office with the other "troubled" kids at random times during the rest of elementary school. some kids just stopped talking to me, and tried to stay away in case i tried to make them say bad words. my reputation in elementary school instantly became the childhood equivalent of a rapist.
|
i tried to explain to my teacher that i didn't get warnings about not playing with stuff and became a convicted school-wide criminal.
|
playing with soccer nets
|
[
"this didn't actually happen today, but many, many",
"years ago when i was in 3rd grade, i think 2001",
"or 2002. the school had just gotten some soccer",
"net frames that for a while were just down to",
"bare metal. i liked to play on them during",
"recess, since there wasn't a jungle gym on the",
"school's playground, and the back end made a",
"great balance beam. for a while it was pretty",
"fun, and other kids joined in too.",
"but one day it all changed. the soccer net",
"frames seemed a bit different for some reason. i",
"thought nothing of it while i was playing on it.",
"then soon my teacher runs over yelling at me. he",
"tells me to get off of there because the frames",
"got painted white and they were drying. he makes",
"me go to the classroom for the rest of recess as",
"punishment.",
"this is where i fu. as i was walking back to the",
"classroom i tried to tell my teacher i didn't",
"know i couldn't play on the frames. however, he",
"wasn't paying much attention to what i said, and",
"thought i was cussing him out under my breath.",
"this made me lose recess for the whole week",
"to add insult to injury, i also had to go to the",
"counselor's office with the other \"troubled\" kids",
"at random times during the rest of elementary",
"school. some kids just stopped talking to me,",
"and tried to stay away in case i tried to make",
"them say bad words. my reputation in elementary",
"school instantly became the childhood equivalent",
"of a rapist."
] |
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classroom i tried to tell my teacher i didn't of a rapist.
|
5 | 2 | 0.7 | 5 |
obligatory this didn't happen today, but rather a few years ago when i was a sophomore in high school.
and oh man it was a pretty big fu.
i remember this series of days so clearly, even years after the incident. as a youngster heading into my sophomore year of high school, things were pretty great. it was summer, i was in an awesome relationship and i was just starting to discover the magical effects of marijuana.
this story starts with a longboard, and ends with being drugged and talked into having sex with someone who was not my girlfriend.
at this time, longboarding was a pretty big thing amongst my friends at the high school i was attending. every day over the summer, we would get together and find the biggest hills to plummet down on shaky boards with no brakes. this day was much the same, except it was approaching 100 degrees fahrenheit, and the typical jeans and long sleeve shirt was far too hot for the occasion. on this particular day, i believed that taking my shirt off would be a brilliant idea to both cool off and look cool doing it.
my friends and i approached one of the largest hills we had never been down, and although we were all nervous, nobody wanted to be "that guy" who says they're too much of a pussy to do it. i decided to man up and go down first. i tucked my recently abandoned shirt into my jeans, and, looking fly as fuck, embraced the moment and began to race down the hill.
i woke up in the hospital.
after having the backpack-sized road rash on my back cleaned and after being evaluated for a concussion, i was sent home happy with a bottle of vicodin.
the story of my triumph quickly spread throughout my school and everyone was asking for pictures of my injuries. i was pretty happy with all of the attention and obliged to these requests. this led to a text from my girlfriends best friend asking if i was alright. of course, i said i was battered and bruised but okay and didn't think twice about her asking me about my injuries. she was a friend of mine as well as my girlfriends, and i was not surprised to hear from her. she offered to come by with my gf the next day to check on me, and asked for my address. i said that would be much appreciated and texted her my address without much thought.
fast-forward to the next day.
i woke up in a healing amount of pain. my back felt as if someone had taken a razor and shaved all of my skin off, and my head felt like someone's was driving an ice pick through it. i was home alone for the day, and in all my teenage brilliance i thought that weed and vicodin was the answer. lots of weed and lots of vicodin.
a few numb and happy hours later, i hear a knock on the door. shit. i had forgotten about the company i had invited over the night before. i stumbled lazily to the door and opened it. to my surprise, my girlfriend was nowhere to be seen. her friend was here, and she was alone. too high to really understand the depth of the situation, i invited her in. she was overly flirtatious and i cautiously avoided all physical contact. the more i tried to get her to leave, the more flirtatious she became. she told me she had brought weed, and in my confusing situation i happily agreed to get baked, thinking that hopefully it would make the situation less awkward.
i was as high as i had ever been in young, naive my life.
we watched tv silently for an hour and i became paranoid she would never leave. in my awkward highness i mustered up the courage to tell her i was going to the bathroom. i stayed in there for what felt like an hour, and when i came out i was baffled by what i saw.
there she was, outside the door, with no clothes on and a condom in her hand.
and that's the story of my most unfortunate series of events
|
fucked up, got fucked up, got fucked
|
making a series of terrible, no good, very bad decisions
|
[
"obligatory this didn't happen today, but rather a",
"few years ago when i was a sophomore in high",
"school.",
"and oh man it was a pretty big fu.",
"i remember this series of days so clearly, even",
"years after the incident. as a youngster heading",
"into my sophomore year of high school, things",
"were pretty great. it was summer, i was in an",
"awesome relationship and i was just starting to",
"discover the magical effects of marijuana.",
"this story starts with a longboard, and ends with",
"being drugged and talked into having sex with",
"someone who was not my girlfriend.",
"at this time, longboarding was a pretty big thing",
"amongst my friends at the high school i was",
"attending. every day over the summer, we would",
"get together and find the biggest hills to",
"plummet down on shaky boards with no brakes. this",
"day was much the same, except it was approaching",
"100 degrees fahrenheit, and the typical jeans and",
"long sleeve shirt was far too hot for the",
"occasion. on this particular day, i believed that",
"taking my shirt off would be a brilliant idea to",
"both cool off and look cool doing it.",
"my friends and i approached one of the largest",
"hills we had never been down, and although we",
"were all nervous, nobody wanted to be \"that guy\"",
"who says they're too much of a pussy to do it. i",
"decided to man up and go down first. i tucked my",
"recently abandoned shirt into my jeans, and,",
"looking fly as fuck, embraced the moment and",
"began to race down the hill.",
"i woke up in the hospital.",
"after having the backpack-sized road rash on my",
"back cleaned and after being evaluated for a",
"concussion, i was sent home happy with a bottle",
"of vicodin.",
"the story of my triumph quickly spread throughout",
"my school and everyone was asking for pictures of",
"my injuries. i was pretty happy with all of the",
"attention and obliged to these requests. this led",
"to a text from my girlfriends best friend asking",
"if i was alright. of course, i said i was",
"battered and bruised but okay and didn't think",
"twice about her asking me about my injuries. she",
"was a friend of mine as well as my girlfriends,",
"and i was not surprised to hear from her. she",
"offered to come by with my gf the next day to",
"check on me, and asked for my address. i said",
"that would be much appreciated and texted her my",
"address without much thought.",
"fast-forward to the next day.",
"i woke up in a healing amount of pain. my back",
"felt as if someone had taken a razor and shaved",
"all of my skin off, and my head felt like",
"someone's was driving an ice pick through it. i",
"was home alone for the day, and in all my teenage",
"brilliance i thought that weed and vicodin was",
"the answer. lots of weed and lots of vicodin.",
"a few numb and happy hours later, i hear a knock",
"on the door. shit. i had forgotten about the",
"company i had invited over the night before. i",
"stumbled lazily to the door and opened it. to my",
"surprise, my girlfriend was nowhere to be seen.",
"her friend was here, and she was alone. too high",
"to really understand the depth of the situation,",
"i invited her in. she was overly flirtatious and",
"i cautiously avoided all physical contact. the",
"more i tried to get her to leave, the more",
"flirtatious she became. she told me she had",
"brought weed, and in my confusing situation i",
"happily agreed to get baked, thinking that",
"hopefully it would make the situation less",
"awkward.",
"i was as high as i had ever been in young, naive",
"my life.",
"we watched tv silently for an hour and i became",
"paranoid she would never leave. in my awkward",
"highness i mustered up the courage to tell her i",
"was going to the bathroom. i stayed in there for",
"what felt like an hour, and when i came out i was",
"baffled by what i saw.",
"there she was, outside the door, with no clothes",
"on and a condom in her hand.",
"and that's the story of my most unfortunate",
"series of events"
] |
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i woke up in the hospital.
|
1 | 5 | 0.62 | 1 |
my friend ian is a huge genesis fan. in my band class, when we are switching between songs, ian busts out in a drum solo. the band director usually gets him to stop, but today, she couldn't. i shouted back at him "hey, ian, you're not phil collins from devo!" he stood up and yelled even louder "phil collins was in genesis, dipshit!"
|
i don't know the drummer of devo.
|
getting the drummer of genesis wrong
|
[
"my friend ian is a huge genesis fan. in my band",
"class, when we are switching between songs, ian",
"busts out in a drum solo. the band director",
"usually gets him to stop, but today, she",
"couldn't. i shouted back at him \"hey, ian, you're",
"not phil collins from devo!\" he stood up and",
"yelled even louder \"phil collins was in genesis,",
"dipshit!\""
] |
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busts out in a drum solo. the band director
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6 | 2 | 0.63 | 6 |
so this morning i woke up at about 4:30 which is usual for me because i leave the house at 440 to go to work. i take my showers in the evening you see which will be important in a minute. so as per my usual routine i grabbed my jeans threw them into the bathroom next to the shower and went to the restroom. i then put my pants on noticed that they were damp and said to myself that it must have been water from the shower last night. i got in my car and i got about half way to work which is about 45 minutes into the drive. around this time i noticed a very strong odour. it was at this point that i realized that what i thought was water was perhaps not water.
now this particular odour is only found from animals of the feline variety. it was then i realized that i had left my pants on the floor last night with a cat in the house that is known to enjoy peeing all over my stuff. i then proceeded to recoil in horror as i realized my right leg was in fact soaked with cat piss. sadly being now 520ish in the morning no place open to sell me pants.
i tried as best as i could to cover up the smell with deodorant and desperation. i very quickly realized that no amount of deodorant will ever mask the smell of cat pee in fact it probably just makes it stronger. so i showed up to work reaking of cat pee infused with the smell of old spice fiji. my boss recoils in horror and says "holy shit what were you doing this morning? rolling around in cat pee?" he proceeds to send me to the store to buy new pants and now everyone at the office is calling me cat piss boy.
apologies for the typo in the header speach to text is a fickel mistress.
|
if you ever need to cover up the scent of old spice fiji use cat pee.
|
bike guessing incorrectly on why my pants were wet
|
[
"so this morning i woke up at about 4:30 which is",
"usual for me because i leave the house at 440 to",
"go to work. i take my showers in the evening you",
"see which will be important in a minute. so as",
"per my usual routine i grabbed my jeans threw",
"them into the bathroom next to the shower and",
"went to the restroom. i then put my pants on",
"noticed that they were damp and said to myself",
"that it must have been water from the shower last",
"night. i got in my car and i got about half way",
"to work which is about 45 minutes into the drive.",
"around this time i noticed a very strong odour.",
"it was at this point that i realized that what i",
"thought was water was perhaps not water.",
"now this particular odour is only found from",
"animals of the feline variety. it was then i",
"realized that i had left my pants on the floor",
"last night with a cat in the house that is known",
"to enjoy peeing all over my stuff. i then",
"proceeded to recoil in horror as i realized my",
"right leg was in fact soaked with cat piss. sadly",
"being now 520ish in the morning no place open to",
"sell me pants.",
"i tried as best as i could to cover up the smell",
"with deodorant and desperation. i very quickly",
"realized that no amount of deodorant will ever",
"mask the smell of cat pee in fact it probably",
"just makes it stronger. so i showed up to work",
"reaking of cat pee infused with the smell of old",
"spice fiji. my boss recoils in horror and says",
"\"holy shit what were you doing this morning?",
"rolling around in cat pee?\" he proceeds to send",
"me to the store to buy new pants and now everyone",
"at the office is calling me cat piss boy.",
"apologies for the typo in the header speach to",
"text is a fickel mistress."
] |
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i tried as best as i could to cover up the smell reaking of cat pee infused with the smell of old
|
3 | 4 | 0.6 | 3 |
so it's a regular tuesday evening - just got home, eaten and ready to have a shower. nothing unusual or anything.
so then im in the shower, as usual. i close my eyes to wash my face, but when i open them again, and look at my hands, they are completely red with blood.
i look at the shower floor which is also full of blood, washing around my feet.
completely freaked out, i try to wash it all towards the plughole, while franticly looking for what i expected would be a massive gash somewhere on my body. (there was a lot of blood)
then i noticed a slight dripping from my nose, and realised that the sauce of all the blood was just a small nose bleed which i had somehow opened up again from when i smacked myself in the face with my camera a few days earlier :p
|
water + a little blood = so many blood
|
showering in a blood bath. literally. [possibly nsfw]
|
[
"so it's a regular tuesday evening - just got home,",
"eaten and ready to have a shower. nothing unusual",
"or anything.",
"so then im in the shower, as usual. i close my",
"eyes to wash my face, but when i open them again,",
"and look at my hands, they are completely red",
"with blood.",
"i look at the shower floor which is also full of",
"blood, washing around my feet.",
"completely freaked out, i try to wash it all",
"towards the plughole, while franticly looking for",
"what i expected would be a massive gash somewhere",
"on my body. (there was a lot of blood)",
"then i noticed a slight dripping from my nose,",
"and realised that the sauce of all the blood was",
"just a small nose bleed which i had somehow",
"opened up again from when i smacked myself in the",
"face with my camera a few days earlier :p"
] |
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so it's a regular tuesday evening - just got home,
|
15 | 4 | 0.78 | 15 |
so this happened today and i am laying in my bed wondering why i did this.
this week is "teacher appreciation week" at my high school and so a class mate of mine brought our government teacher a coke. well near the end of class he had dropped the coke and set it on his desk upside down, saying "this is how you get it to be able to open faster, helps it fizzle down" now this is where i mess up...
he leaves the classroom to go to the bathroom and i grab a meter stick and my genius idea is to hit the coke bottle from the lid part(witch is the part sitting on the desk) and try to flip the coke to land on its bottom.
after trying this a few times the bottle is hard as a rock but i want to try it one more time. so i set the coke bottle on a desk in the center if the classroom. surrounded by ap study guides and classmates i hit the bottle square on the cap and the next thing i know i'm covered in coke, study guides are covered in coke, classmates, the walls, ceilings everything is covered in coke. it's like the episode of scrubs where jd opens the coke in doctor cox's porsche, except worse... much worse
my first reaction is to laugh and when i look up most people had bolted out of the room. i hurriedly tried to clean everything up. i was wiping down the walls when the teacher came back in and asked what the hell i was doing. deciding lying was a bad idea considering about 15 people had seen what happened and were at the moment texting and tweeting what happened.
he then makes me clean the entire thing which takes me 30 minutes to do.
edit:grammar due to mobile tifu's
|
pulled a jd and exploded a coke onto a teachers entire classroom that i then had to clean
|
painting my teachers room with coke..
|
[
"so this happened today and i am laying in my bed",
"wondering why i did this.",
"this week is \"teacher appreciation week\" at my",
"high school and so a class mate of mine brought",
"our government teacher a coke. well near the end",
"of class he had dropped the coke and set it on",
"his desk upside down, saying \"this is how you get",
"it to be able to open faster, helps it fizzle",
"down\" now this is where i mess up...",
"he leaves the classroom to go to the bathroom",
"and i grab a meter stick and my genius idea is to",
"hit the coke bottle from the lid part(witch is",
"the part sitting on the desk) and try to flip the",
"coke to land on its bottom.",
"after trying this a few times the bottle is hard",
"as a rock but i want to try it one more time. so",
"i set the coke bottle on a desk in the center if",
"the classroom. surrounded by ap study guides and",
"classmates i hit the bottle square on the cap and",
"the next thing i know i'm covered in coke, study",
"guides are covered in coke, classmates, the",
"walls, ceilings everything is covered in coke.",
"it's like the episode of scrubs where jd opens",
"the coke in doctor cox's porsche, except worse...",
"much worse",
"my first reaction is to laugh and when i look up",
"most people had bolted out of the room. i",
"hurriedly tried to clean everything up. i was",
"wiping down the walls when the teacher came back",
"in and asked what the hell i was doing. deciding",
"lying was a bad idea considering about 15 people",
"had seen what happened and were at the moment",
"texting and tweeting what happened.",
"he then makes me clean the entire thing which",
"takes me 30 minutes to do.",
"edit:grammar due to mobile tifu's"
] |
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our government teacher a coke. well near the end hurriedly tried to clean everything up. i was
|
2 | 11 | 0.75 | 2 |
my family had decided to throw a house party for a bunch of family friends and various co workers we've known throughout the years. i showed up at 2 pm and this is where it begins. we start w/ miller lite, simple enough. after about 4 hours of pre gaming, watching hockey, basketball, horse races, nascar, playing bags and just chillin and drinking.
people start showing up around 6 pm and filter in through the night and we end up getting a solid 15-20 people that show up. we are all having a great time and my first fuck up is having a crown, cranberry and red bull mixed drink that truly tastes like fucking heaven in a glass. i was feeling good and proceeded to lose $150 dollars in bags in a very intense close game that was being commentated by the other intoxicated patrons of the party.
time for the fight! the fight of the century! the fight we've all been waiting 6 years for! wait a second, i've just poured myself a red solo cup filled all the way up with already spiked margarita mix and i top that fucker off w/ 2 shots of 1800 gold tequila. oh yea, and i'm already so hammered i forgot ice but that warm margarita was still bangin!
as i assume most of you can guess this is where i start to lose memory of the night. i really don't remember the fight at all. i remember cheering and that's it.
in the words of kendrick lamar "ignorance is bliss! everybody put your hands up high!"
|
house party + booze packed day + drunk crowd rooting other drunks on in drunken games = you thought you went to bed after the fight when in all actuality you puke in the bathroom and pass out and don't remember one punch of the fight of the century.
|
not remembering the fight of the century!
|
[
"my family had decided to throw a house party for a",
"bunch of family friends and various co workers",
"we've known throughout the years. i showed up at",
"2 pm and this is where it begins. we start w/",
"miller lite, simple enough. after about 4 hours",
"of pre gaming, watching hockey, basketball, horse",
"races, nascar, playing bags and just chillin and",
"drinking.",
"people start showing up around 6 pm and filter in",
"through the night and we end up getting a solid",
"15-20 people that show up. we are all having a",
"great time and my first fuck up is having a",
"crown, cranberry and red bull mixed drink that",
"truly tastes like fucking heaven in a glass. i",
"was feeling good and proceeded to lose $150",
"dollars in bags in a very intense close game that",
"was being commentated by the other intoxicated",
"patrons of the party.",
"time for the fight! the fight of the century! the",
"fight we've all been waiting 6 years for! wait a",
"second, i've just poured myself a red solo cup",
"filled all the way up with already spiked",
"margarita mix and i top that fucker off w/ 2",
"shots of 1800 gold tequila. oh yea, and i'm",
"already so hammered i forgot ice but that warm",
"margarita was still bangin!",
"as i assume most of you can guess this is where i",
"start to lose memory of the night. i really don't",
"remember the fight at all. i remember cheering",
"and that's it.",
"in the words of kendrick lamar \"ignorance is",
"bliss! everybody put your hands up high!\""
] |
[
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0.23140138732899226,
0.6645861612016162,
0.24936597224923815,
0.5753982125197796,
0
] |
my family had decided to throw a house party for a time for the fight! the fight of the century! the remember the fight at all. i remember cheering and that's it. in the words of kendrick lamar "ignorance is
|
5 | 5 | 0.89 | 5 |
not today (duh) but i just realized how badly i fucked up at the office. as a network architect, i spend a lot of my time explaining (to lesser minds) how the network actually works. many people have misconceptions about how it works and always want to blame the network when their servers and applications aren't running as expected. i just finished composing a professional, yet scathing email to a large group of engineers, managers, project managers, and the like, explaining why an application wasn't working. i normally finish my emails with "regards," blah blah blah. one slip of the finger turned "regards" into "retards". my email was not received as correction, but instead was received, as human resources told me, "...very hostile toward co-workers and other teams". once i was informed of my fuckup, i had to issue an apology and correction to all the recipients. many of which still feel my apology was forced and my original email was genuine. thankfully, i'm still employed.
|
instead of ending an email with "regards", called everyone "retards".
|
with a simple keystroke
|
[
"not today (duh) but i just realized how badly i",
"fucked up at the office. as a network architect,",
"i spend a lot of my time explaining (to lesser",
"minds) how the network actually works. many",
"people have misconceptions about how it works and",
"always want to blame the network when their",
"servers and applications aren't running as",
"expected. i just finished composing a",
"professional, yet scathing email to a large group",
"of engineers, managers, project managers, and the",
"like, explaining why an application wasn't",
"working. i normally finish my emails with",
"\"regards,\" blah blah blah. one slip of the finger",
"turned \"regards\" into \"retards\". my email was not",
"received as correction, but instead was received,",
"as human resources told me, \"...very hostile",
"toward co-workers and other teams\". once i was",
"informed of my fuckup, i had to issue an apology",
"and correction to all the recipients. many of",
"which still feel my apology was forced and my",
"original email was genuine. thankfully, i'm still",
"employed."
] |
[
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0.20251980002509115,
0.2015842523206856,
0.36528844340833444,
0.4119708772375929,
0.5391291463561962,
1,
0.44638282728208534,
0,
0,
0.36573398397917145,
0.02291355975589246,
0,
0.22516724789904244,
0
] |
turned "regards" into "retards". my email was not informed of my fuckup, i had to issue an apology
|
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