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3 | 1 | 0.65 | 3 |
okay so this fuck up actually happened today and i am at home right now after being suspended from school, so yeah. firstly, some background. this fuck up took place inside a a room in my school that is specifically dedicated to a place to put your bag, but me being socially inept usually sit in this room and play on my nintendo. the room is directly next to the principals office and on multiple occasions he came in and kicked us out because we were making to much noise, and two occasions i had to awkwardly put my shoes back on as they were used as missiles. i was in here, just after lunch, eating my bread roll as i usually do. as a joke i began ripping pieces of bread off and throwing it at one of my friends. my friend, being a drama llama, cowarded in the corner, again as a joke. about half way through the roll of bread, when my friend pointed behind me at something that i assumed was another of my friends. i turn with only the butt of bread left and threw it. it unfortunately wasn't my friend as i assumed, but was my principal. the butt of my bread hit him exactly in his left eye and i spent the rest of the day in the principals office while he apparently went to a&e. i hate my life.
|
i assaulted my principal with bread and got myself suspended
|
throwing bread at my school principal
|
[
"okay so this fuck up actually happened today and i",
"am at home right now after being suspended from",
"school, so yeah. firstly, some background. this",
"fuck up took place inside a a room in my school",
"that is specifically dedicated to a place to put",
"your bag, but me being socially inept usually sit",
"in this room and play on my nintendo. the room is",
"directly next to the principals office and on",
"multiple occasions he came in and kicked us out",
"because we were making to much noise, and two",
"occasions i had to awkwardly put my shoes back on",
"as they were used as missiles. i was in here,",
"just after lunch, eating my bread roll as i",
"usually do. as a joke i began ripping pieces of",
"bread off and throwing it at one of my friends.",
"my friend, being a drama llama, cowarded in the",
"corner, again as a joke. about half way through",
"the roll of bread, when my friend pointed behind",
"me at something that i assumed was another of my",
"friends. i turn with only the butt of bread left",
"and threw it. it unfortunately wasn't my friend",
"as i assumed, but was my principal. the butt of",
"my bread hit him exactly in his left eye and i",
"spent the rest of the day in the principals",
"office while he apparently went to a&e. i hate my",
"life."
] |
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friends. i turn with only the butt of bread left as i assumed, but was my principal. the butt of
|
2 | 2 | 1 | 2 |
so today, i was driving my company's box truck, as i do like 3 times a week. routine delivery, was gonna be 2 stops in the area, to drop off doors, frames, etc.
i don't know what the hell i was thinking... there was a car in front of me, prepping to make a left turn but was waiting for the oncoming traffic to break. i see him waiting and think, "that's enough space to pass on his right." did i mention i was in a box truck?
as i'm going to pass him, my mirror clips a telephone pole on the passenger side, my tire hops the curb which sends the top right corner of the box into the pole, leaving a nice gouge in the metal, then the truck kicks off the curb and tilts 45 degrees in the other direction, scraping the side of the 3-passenger car and then rights itself.
i came to a stop on the side of the road and i feel like i just saw a ghost. i step down out of the truck and examine the trail of carnage... the first thing i see is that the telephone pole is leaning dangerously far over the road, dangling power lines onto the street. the passenger car pulls up behind me and 3 young hispanic men climb out... at this point i'm sure i'm getting my ass kicked.
as the driver was yelling at me for what i did to his brother's car, all i can do is stare, jaw agape, at the side of his scraped up car and the damn near downed telephone poll not 15 feet from us. the first thing i did after i registered what happened was dial 911. i explain the situation and the cop is on his way.
my next call was to my boss; i explained what happened and he just said, "if you need anything, let me know." ominously calm, considering the circumstances.
the passengers stood by their car, while i sit on the curb by my truck and wait for the cops. they come and i give my statement, they take the passengers' statements. i never spoke more than 3 words to the driver or his friends... my only thought was how the fuck was i so stupid to try and pass him?
|
hopped a curb in a box truck, taking out a telephone pole and almost severely injured 3 people in a car trying to pass them on their right.
|
side-swiping a telephone pole with a box truck (and a car with 3 passengers)
|
[
"so today, i was driving my company's box truck, as",
"i do like 3 times a week. routine delivery, was",
"gonna be 2 stops in the area, to drop off doors,",
"frames, etc.",
"i don't know what the hell i was thinking...",
"there was a car in front of me, prepping to make",
"a left turn but was waiting for the oncoming",
"traffic to break. i see him waiting and think,",
"\"that's enough space to pass on his right.\" did i",
"mention i was in a box truck?",
"as i'm going to pass him, my mirror clips a",
"telephone pole on the passenger side, my tire",
"hops the curb which sends the top right corner of",
"the box into the pole, leaving a nice gouge in",
"the metal, then the truck kicks off the curb and",
"tilts 45 degrees in the other direction, scraping",
"the side of the 3-passenger car and then rights",
"itself.",
"i came to a stop on the side of the road and i",
"feel like i just saw a ghost. i step down out of",
"the truck and examine the trail of carnage... the",
"first thing i see is that the telephone pole is",
"leaning dangerously far over the road, dangling",
"power lines onto the street. the passenger car",
"pulls up behind me and 3 young hispanic men climb",
"out... at this point i'm sure i'm getting my ass",
"kicked.",
"as the driver was yelling at me for what i did to",
"his brother's car, all i can do is stare, jaw",
"agape, at the side of his scraped up car and the",
"damn near downed telephone poll not 15 feet from",
"us. the first thing i did after i registered what",
"happened was dial 911. i explain the situation",
"and the cop is on his way.",
"my next call was to my boss; i explained what",
"happened and he just said, \"if you need anything,",
"let me know.\" ominously calm, considering the",
"circumstances.",
"the passengers stood by their car, while i sit on",
"the curb by my truck and wait for the cops. they",
"come and i give my statement, they take the",
"passengers' statements. i never spoke more than 3",
"words to the driver or his friends... my only",
"thought was how the fuck was i so stupid to try",
"and pass him?"
] |
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"that's enough space to pass on his right." did i mention i was in a box truck? telephone pole on the passenger side, my tire and pass him?
|
1,837 | 140 | 0.94 | 1,837 |
this happened a while back when i was an assistant manager in a drugstore. one day, one of my employee (a girl) came to me and said that she saw me driving out of a gas station while she was driving in. she waved at me but she could not get my attention. then she said that she should have just honk. that's where the tifu came in. i told her: i would have fingered you if you did. she was like what!?!? i had no idea why she was so shocked until few days later when i realized that the right sentence was "i would have give you the finger".
|
told a girl employee that i'll finger her instead of giving her the finger
|
because english is my second language[nsfw].
|
[
"this happened a while back when i was an assistant",
"manager in a drugstore. one day, one of my",
"employee (a girl) came to me and said that she",
"saw me driving out of a gas station while she was",
"driving in. she waved at me but she could not get",
"my attention. then she said that she should have",
"just honk. that's where the tifu came in. i told",
"her: i would have fingered you if you did. she",
"was like what!?!? i had no idea why she was so",
"shocked until few days later when i realized that",
"the right sentence was \"i would have give you the",
"finger\"."
] |
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employee (a girl) came to me and said that she finger".
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0 | 3 | 0.43 | 0 |
ok so this was actually my mom that f'd up. some preface: i am on the swim team, and i wear a speedo (don't like jammers). if you are a person that has hit puberty and you wear a swimsuit like that, you need to make sure there isn't any, you know, visible. we were at dinner today, and we got talking about razors because my younger brother is starting to grow enough facial hair to need to shave. i have a super cheap electric razor that is pretty rough, and so i have to be really careful so as to not get any razerburn on my face, and super uber careful so as to not get any in "other places", for which i mainly use the flip out trimmer on the back of it because it doesn't need to be perfect, just good enough. well, my mom was saying that since i had such a cheap razor, and there was a costco coupon for a nicer one, i could get a nicer one along with my brother. i was pretty happy about this, because it would be nicer to not feel like i am scratching my face when i shave, and that it would be nice for other places too because, as a swimmer, i need to keep things under control. as i said this, her eyes grew wide and she metaphorically sh!t her pants. i was confused, and then she uttered "i.. uh.. used that razor". i was startled, and asked why and where. she said she used it to shave her face on occasion (because women get some fuzz too, just much more slowly) and that it was because i left it out on the counter and it was the first one she saw. i laughed pretty hard, and she was not that enthused. after making it clear that she should use my dad's razor, she promised she would never use it again.
|
parents, never borrow your teenage children's razors, especially if they are swimmers, because it has probably been places that would make you avoid it like the plague.
|
using my 18 y/o son's razor
|
[
"ok so this was actually my mom that f'd up. some",
"preface: i am on the swim team, and i wear a",
"speedo (don't like jammers). if you are a person",
"that has hit puberty and you wear a swimsuit like",
"that, you need to make sure there isn't any, you",
"know, visible. we were at dinner today, and we",
"got talking about razors because my younger",
"brother is starting to grow enough facial hair to",
"need to shave. i have a super cheap electric",
"razor that is pretty rough, and so i have to be",
"really careful so as to not get any razerburn on",
"my face, and super uber careful so as to not get",
"any in \"other places\", for which i mainly use the",
"flip out trimmer on the back of it because it",
"doesn't need to be perfect, just good enough.",
"well, my mom was saying that since i had such a",
"cheap razor, and there was a costco coupon for a",
"nicer one, i could get a nicer one along with my",
"brother. i was pretty happy about this, because",
"it would be nicer to not feel like i am",
"scratching my face when i shave, and that it",
"would be nice for other places too because, as a",
"swimmer, i need to keep things under control. as",
"i said this, her eyes grew wide and she",
"metaphorically sh!t her pants. i was confused,",
"and then she uttered \"i.. uh.. used that razor\".",
"i was startled, and asked why and where. she",
"said she used it to shave her face on occasion",
"(because women get some fuzz too, just much more",
"slowly) and that it was because i left it out on",
"the counter and it was the first one she saw. i",
"laughed pretty hard, and she was not that",
"enthused. after making it clear that she should",
"use my dad's razor, she promised she would never",
"use it again."
] |
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speedo (don't like jammers). if you are a person that has hit puberty and you wear a swimsuit like flip out trimmer on the back of it because it use my dad's razor, she promised she would never
|
4 | 4 | 0.86 | 4 |
so i just moved back to [city] with my friend after working and going to school in [other city] for 6 years. i'm staying with him and his family until we have our house.
his sister who works as a manager locally just asked me to come on, under the exception that i didn't mention that we all toked together.
i just had my third day and things are going great, everyone has mentioned how great of a worker i am. i've also gotten several compliments directly and indirectly through her telling her how happy they are that she brought me on. awesome. good start. she's in line to take the new gm position cuz the current one sucks, and gets drunk at work all the time.
fast forward to this afternoon as i clock out i mention to new dealer coworker that i need bud for sister and i. completely casually, didn't think twice about it. fast forward again to driving home when she called me, livid that i mentioned it, since she explicitly said not to...fuck. so obviously having mention of an illegal drug could hinder those chances of promotion...especially if the dealer, i later found out, has had drunken of flings with current gm...who also has a boyfriend - damn this industry is scandalous.
not knowing where this information came from, like how she found out that i mentioned it, my first thought was that dealer mentioned it to her asking if she needed something. so i call him to ensure that he keeps it on the dl.... later realising that i had idiotically confirmed that it was in fact her that i was talking about. god damn it, 2/2 reddit.
so after trying to talk to her, to no avail; i sit in my car and type this, today, after i fucked up.
|
brand new job, fresh start, doing great, shit on all of it.
|
accidentally throwing the manager (soon to be gm) who just hired me, under the bus.
|
[
"so i just moved back to [city] with my friend",
"after working and going to school in [other city]",
"for 6 years. i'm staying with him and his family",
"until we have our house.",
"his sister who works as a manager locally just",
"asked me to come on, under the exception that i",
"didn't mention that we all toked together.",
"i just had my third day and things are going",
"great, everyone has mentioned how great of a",
"worker i am. i've also gotten several compliments",
"directly and indirectly through her telling her",
"how happy they are that she brought me on.",
"awesome. good start. she's in line to take the",
"new gm position cuz the current one sucks, and",
"gets drunk at work all the time.",
"fast forward to this afternoon as i clock out i",
"mention to new dealer coworker that i need bud",
"for sister and i. completely casually, didn't",
"think twice about it. fast forward again to",
"driving home when she called me, livid that i",
"mentioned it, since she explicitly said not",
"to...fuck. so obviously having mention of an",
"illegal drug could hinder those chances of",
"promotion...especially if the dealer, i later",
"found out, has had drunken of flings with",
"current gm...who also has a boyfriend - damn this",
"industry is scandalous.",
"not knowing where this information came from,",
"like how she found out that i mentioned it, my",
"first thought was that dealer mentioned it to her",
"asking if she needed something. so i call him to",
"ensure that he keeps it on the dl.... later",
"realising that i had idiotically confirmed that",
"it was in fact her that i was talking about. god",
"damn it, 2/2 reddit.",
"so after trying to talk to her, to no avail; i",
"sit in my car and type this, today, after i",
"fucked up."
] |
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great, everyone has mentioned how great of a ensure that he keeps it on the dl.... later
|
2 | 1 | 0.72 | 2 |
it's finals week at my university, which means everyone is at the library and we are all a bit sleep deprived. i was on the top floor of the library (absolutely packed) about to take the elevator down. i was texting my friend while walking into the elevator so i wasn't really paying attention, and i accidentally walked into the closing doors of the elevator. my arms splayed out to the side and my phone went flying. i picked up my phone, and i was looking for cracks in my screen as i tried to get into the elevator, and i walked into the closing doors of the elevator again. twice. in the span of 30 seconds.
|
get more sleep, take the stairs
|
tried to get on the elevator while not paying attention
|
[
"it's finals week at my university, which means",
"everyone is at the library and we are all a bit",
"sleep deprived. i was on the top floor of the",
"library (absolutely packed) about to take the",
"elevator down. i was texting my friend while",
"walking into the elevator so i wasn't really",
"paying attention, and i accidentally walked into",
"the closing doors of the elevator. my arms",
"splayed out to the side and my phone went flying.",
"i picked up my phone, and i was looking for",
"cracks in my screen as i tried to get into the",
"elevator, and i walked into the closing doors of",
"the elevator again. twice. in the span of 30",
"seconds."
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2 | 2 | 0.57 | 2 |
this happened a few hours ago...
i was getting on a tram, and i had my phone in my hand, because i was typing a message. i got on the tram, and finished typing the message. since i was done using my phone, i put it in the front pocket of my jeans. what i didn't know was that the pocket had a huge-ass hole in it. now, my phone is very small -- it's a[ sony ericsson k750i](http://www.mobiset.ru/photo/sonyericsson/k750i/sonyericsson_k750i_1748d.jpg). so as i put it into my pocket, it slipped right through the hole and down my left leg, stopping halfway. so now i had a phone stuck around the knee of my jeans. my jeans that are super fucking tight around the knee and below.
cue me, jumping around like a retard in the middle of a crowded tram, trying to get the phone out of my pants, while wearing headphones. i was getting some pretty interesting looks from the people on the tram, couldn't quite tell what they were thinking (maybe something along the lines of, "is that dude okay?" or "damn, that must be some good music"). on top of that, the phone started fucking *vibrating*. i just looked around, smiled, and kept jumping.
after maybe 30 seconds, i finally managed to get it to ankle level, so i reached down and pulled it out of the bottom of my pants. i held it up, victorious, and walked out of that tram feeling like a boss.
|
wore holy jeans, phone slipped through, so i danced my ass off in a tram.
|
putting my phone in my pocket
|
[
"this happened a few hours ago...",
"i was getting on a tram, and i had my phone in my",
"hand, because i was typing a message. i got on",
"the tram, and finished typing the message. since",
"i was done using my phone, i put it in the front",
"pocket of my jeans. what i didn't know was that",
"the pocket had a huge-ass hole in it. now, my",
"phone is very small -- it's a[ sony ericsson",
"k750i](http://www.mobiset.ru/photo/sonyericsson/k",
"750i/sonyericsson_k750i_1748d.jpg).",
"so as i put it into my pocket, it slipped right",
"through the hole and down my left leg, stopping",
"halfway. so now i had a phone stuck around the",
"knee of my jeans. my jeans that are super fucking",
"tight around the knee and below.",
"cue me, jumping around like a retard in the",
"middle of a crowded tram, trying to get the phone",
"out of my pants, while wearing headphones. i was",
"getting some pretty interesting looks from the",
"people on the tram, couldn't quite tell what they",
"were thinking (maybe something along the lines",
"of, \"is that dude okay?\" or \"damn, that must be",
"some good music\"). on top of that, the phone",
"started fucking *vibrating*. i just looked",
"around, smiled, and kept jumping.",
"after maybe 30 seconds, i finally managed to get",
"it to ankle level, so i reached down and pulled",
"it out of the bottom of my pants. i held it up,",
"victorious, and walked out of that tram feeling",
"like a boss."
] |
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i was getting on a tram, and i had my phone in my
|
206 | 32 | 0.91 | 206 |
this happened this afternoon. a little background: i'm a college student and i just completed my first year of school. its summer break now and as a result of being a brokeass, i'm going to have to work hard all summer to pay for next semester's expenses. i have been having a hard time finding full-time work and so about two weeks ago i posted an ad on kijiji (kijiji is an amazing resource for those of you that don't use it) saying that i am looking for work, particularly general labour because i'm experienced in landscaping and what have you.
a guy answers my ad the next day and says that he needs work done around his property that would include lots of digging, shoveling, heavy lifting etc. sweet. no problem, i'll be there and ready to work.
fast forward to today: i've spent roughly six hours hauling bricks, gravel and dirt out of this guy's massive yard. the sun is blazing down on me, i'm tired, dehydrated and completely exhausted. around noon i had realized that perhaps i was working too hard in order to impress this guy and that i wouldn't make it to the end of the day. i was out of water by that point and was too polite and shy to ask for what i needed: water, a lunch break, some sunscreen etc. so i guess what i'm trying to say is that my body wasn't in the best shape and that my brain was running at half-mast.
its about 4pm, my bosses wife (whom i havent said a word to all day) walks outside and this is where the fu happens. she looks at the hole that i've been digging all afternoon and in a cute joking way says: "nice hole!" i promptly glanced up from my work with a grin and instead of saying something normal like "thanks" or "all in a days work!" i looked that woman dead in the eye and i said "you too."
"uhm excuse me??" she said with the most disgusted tone in her voice. and that's when it clicked in that i just told my boss's wife she had a nice hole and with a big stupid grin too. she turned around and walked inside without another word.
my boss drove me home an hour ago and he hardly said a word to me. i think she told him and he's pissed. looks like i won't be working for them again.
edit 1: yes i got paid by my reluctant boss but i have not heard back from him yet.
edit 2: his wife is like 40 with three kids. i repeat; she does not have a nice hole.
edit 3: shit, i spelled komplamint incorrectly
|
digging a hole for my boss, boss's wife complemented my hole, i complemented hers.
|
complementing my boss's wife [possibly nsfw]
|
[
"this happened this afternoon. a little background:",
"i'm a college student and i just completed my",
"first year of school. its summer break now and as",
"a result of being a brokeass, i'm going to have",
"to work hard all summer to pay for next",
"semester's expenses. i have been having a hard",
"time finding full-time work and so about two",
"weeks ago i posted an ad on kijiji (kijiji is an",
"amazing resource for those of you that don't use",
"it) saying that i am looking for work,",
"particularly general labour because i'm",
"experienced in landscaping and what have you.",
"a guy answers my ad the next day and says that he",
"needs work done around his property that would",
"include lots of digging, shoveling, heavy lifting",
"etc. sweet. no problem, i'll be there and ready",
"to work.",
"fast forward to today: i've spent roughly six",
"hours hauling bricks, gravel and dirt out of this",
"guy's massive yard. the sun is blazing down on",
"me, i'm tired, dehydrated and completely",
"exhausted. around noon i had realized that",
"perhaps i was working too hard in order to",
"impress this guy and that i wouldn't make it to",
"the end of the day. i was out of water by that",
"point and was too polite and shy to ask for what",
"i needed: water, a lunch break, some sunscreen",
"etc. so i guess what i'm trying to say is that my",
"body wasn't in the best shape and that my brain",
"was running at half-mast.",
"its about 4pm, my bosses wife (whom i havent said",
"a word to all day) walks outside and this is",
"where the fu happens. she looks at the hole that",
"i've been digging all afternoon and in a cute",
"joking way says: \"nice hole!\" i promptly glanced",
"up from my work with a grin and instead of saying",
"something normal like \"thanks\" or \"all in a days",
"work!\" i looked that woman dead in the eye and i",
"said \"you too.\"",
"\"uhm excuse me??\" she said with the most",
"disgusted tone in her voice. and that's when it",
"clicked in that i just told my boss's wife she",
"had a nice hole and with a big stupid grin too.",
"she turned around and walked inside without",
"another word.",
"my boss drove me home an hour ago and he hardly",
"said a word to me. i think she told him and he's",
"pissed. looks like i won't be working for them",
"again.",
"edit 1: yes i got paid by my reluctant boss but i",
"have not heard back from him yet.",
"edit 2: his wife is like 40 with three kids. i",
"repeat; she does not have a nice hole.",
"edit 3: shit, i spelled komplamint incorrectly"
] |
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] |
clicked in that i just told my boss's wife she repeat; she does not have a nice hole.
|
2 | 4 | 0.75 | 2 |
let me preface this by saying to my own admission i say the worse possible things at the worst possible times. i don't have the part of the brain that says, maybe you shouldn't say that right now.
anyways... last friday, my finances mom died. she immediately had to go buy a new dress because her mom always said she hated that she never wore dresses. she finds one she likes and takes it home.
the other day she tries it on with her bra because boobs. she puts in on and asks what i think.
heres the fuck up.
let me preface the fuck up by saying this thing has one of those trippy patterns the sides have stripes that go one way and as all jaggery and the middle they go the other way.
my response.... "it makes my eyes hurt."
you'd have thought i started world war 9. she flipped out, here i am trying to explain that the trippy pattern makes my eyes hurt and that i liked the dress. it's just when you look at it for longer periods it could hurt your eyes.
this of course was no better.
she returned the dress because she said all she would think at the funeral would be 'it makes my eyes hurt.'
yup, thankfully she is still marrying me.
#fuckmylife
|
fiance bought a dress for her mom's funeral, said it made my eyes hurt, world war 9 began ended when she returned the dress.
|
insulting my fiances dress
|
[
"let me preface this by saying to my own admission",
"i say the worse possible things at the worst",
"possible times. i don't have the part of the",
"brain that says, maybe you shouldn't say that",
"right now.",
"anyways... last friday, my finances mom died. she",
"immediately had to go buy a new dress because her",
"mom always said she hated that she never wore",
"dresses. she finds one she likes and takes it",
"home.",
"the other day she tries it on with her bra",
"because boobs. she puts in on and asks what i",
"think.",
"heres the fuck up.",
"let me preface the fuck up by saying this thing",
"has one of those trippy patterns the sides have",
"stripes that go one way and as all jaggery and",
"the middle they go the other way.",
"my response.... \"it makes my eyes hurt.\"",
"you'd have thought i started world war 9. she",
"flipped out, here i am trying to explain that the",
"trippy pattern makes my eyes hurt and that i",
"liked the dress. it's just when you look at it",
"for longer periods it could hurt your eyes.",
"this of course was no better.",
"she returned the dress because she said all she",
"would think at the funeral would be 'it makes my",
"eyes hurt.'",
"yup, thankfully she is still marrying me.",
"#fuckmylife"
] |
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] |
my response.... "it makes my eyes hurt." you'd have thought i started world war 9. she she returned the dress because she said all she
|
858 | 146 | 0.9 | 858 |
ok this happened literally minutes ago. i did my wonderful 45 minute workout and was looking forward to a nice cool sudsy shower. i get some music going and i'm covered in bubbly soap and enjoying myself, so i start shaving. i always start with my legs and work up. i was gleefully depilating my southern girl when my left hand and my razor got really excited about their new idea... to shave inside! i stared at my crotch for about 20 seconds before it really set in that half of my brain had attempted to cut off my built in senzu bean. i finished shaving and sudsing, watching blood dribble from the wrong part of my crotch. now i'm going through the rest of my routine (moisturize me!) with a small box's worth of tissue shoved where i can't feasibly place a bandaid.
edit: at least now i'm smoother than a veal cutlet
|
my razor slipped in the shower and i cut myself in the twat
|
almost mutilating my own genitals nsfw
|
[
"ok this happened literally minutes ago. i did my",
"wonderful 45 minute workout and was looking",
"forward to a nice cool sudsy shower. i get some",
"music going and i'm covered in bubbly soap and",
"enjoying myself, so i start shaving. i always",
"start with my legs and work up. i was gleefully",
"depilating my southern girl when my left hand and",
"my razor got really excited about their new",
"idea... to shave inside! i stared at my crotch",
"for about 20 seconds before it really set in that",
"half of my brain had attempted to cut off my",
"built in senzu bean. i finished shaving and",
"sudsing, watching blood dribble from the wrong",
"part of my crotch. now i'm going through the rest",
"of my routine (moisturize me!) with a small box's",
"worth of tissue shoved where i can't feasibly",
"place a bandaid.",
"edit: at least now i'm smoother than a veal",
"cutlet"
] |
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] |
my razor got really excited about their new built in senzu bean. i finished shaving and
|
1 | 1 | 1 | 1 |
obligatory not today but this past sunday.
my girlfriend and i were at a luncheon for my cousin’s first communion. food was great, got to see the family, my dog got into their chicken coop and almost killed one; overall a fun afternoon. we are sent home with an entire plate of leftover apple pie and another of chocolate cake. i’m talking good 10” x 10” sections of pie and cake. my uncle offers to plastic wrap them up but i, not wanting to mess up the aesthetics of the delicious yellow and white frosting flowers, declined. so we leave with my girlfriend holding our leftover guacamole bowl with a stack of pie and then cake on top of it like teetering like a damn half played jenga tower.
i’m driving and my girlfriend (lets call her clara) is sitting in the passenger holding the leftovers in her lap. i’m not driving too fast since we were on a dirt road that is pretty narrow and wooded on both sides. all of a sudden clara says something like “what was that” and pulls her shirt/bra open to look down it. next thing i know she is flailing around in her seat screaming bloody murder batting at her chest. i freak out and slam on the brakes. the cake flies forward and plops frosting side down on the carpet. she is screaming about some bug in her bra so i get out and try to help her. eventually she calms down but we can’t find whatever bug was allegedly attacking her. i do my best to clean up what i can of the cake by scooping it up with my hands and throwing it into the woods. she is freaked out that it is somewhere hiding in the passenger seat so i sit there and let her drive.
skip ahead a bit and we’re just starting to laugh about the situation. road has turned into pavement so we’re going a good deal faster. all of a sudden the damn bug flies up from beneath her seat. yup, this motherfucker can fly. and it is huge. clara screams bloodier murder and in a jesus take the wheel moment lets go and covers her head. we veer into the left lane and i’m yelling at her to drive as i grapple the apple pie in one hand and bat at the bug with the other. she immediately gets her senses back and pulls over turning on her emergency flashers. i jump out of the car and i’m still trying to bat it out of the car. as it turns out the suv that was following was actually a cop. he turns on his lights and pulls over behind us. he gets out and asks us what the hell we’re doing half off the road. we explain to him the situation and luckily he believes us and tells us to pull over further and mentions something about bee allergies. clara was still pretty shaken up so i drove home after that. she found the bug dead in her car yesterday. i got to clean the carpet.
|
didn’t wrap cake in plastic wrap because frosting. bug attempts to murder my girlfriend’s right boob and cake ends up on floor. bonus story we get pulled over and i am apple pie hero.
|
not wrapping leftover cake in plastic wrap.
|
[
"obligatory not today but this past sunday.",
"my girlfriend and i were at a luncheon for my",
"cousin’s first communion. food was great, got to",
"see the family, my dog got into their chicken",
"coop and almost killed one; overall a fun",
"afternoon. we are sent home with an entire plate",
"of leftover apple pie and another of chocolate",
"cake. i’m talking good 10” x 10” sections of pie",
"and cake. my uncle offers to plastic wrap them up",
"but i, not wanting to mess up the aesthetics of",
"the delicious yellow and white frosting flowers,",
"declined. so we leave with my girlfriend holding",
"our leftover guacamole bowl with a stack of pie",
"and then cake on top of it like teetering like a",
"damn half played jenga tower.",
"i’m driving and my girlfriend (lets call her",
"clara) is sitting in the passenger holding the",
"leftovers in her lap. i’m not driving too fast",
"since we were on a dirt road that is pretty",
"narrow and wooded on both sides. all of a sudden",
"clara says something like “what was that” and",
"pulls her shirt/bra open to look down it. next",
"thing i know she is flailing around in her seat",
"screaming bloody murder batting at her chest. i",
"freak out and slam on the brakes. the cake flies",
"forward and plops frosting side down on the",
"carpet. she is screaming about some bug in her",
"bra so i get out and try to help her. eventually",
"she calms down but we can’t find whatever bug was",
"allegedly attacking her. i do my best to clean up",
"what i can of the cake by scooping it up with my",
"hands and throwing it into the woods. she is",
"freaked out that it is somewhere hiding in the",
"passenger seat so i sit there and let her drive.",
"skip ahead a bit and we’re just starting to laugh",
"about the situation. road has turned into",
"pavement so we’re going a good deal faster. all",
"of a sudden the damn bug flies up from beneath",
"her seat. yup, this motherfucker can fly. and it",
"is huge. clara screams bloodier murder and in a",
"jesus take the wheel moment lets go and covers",
"her head. we veer into the left lane and i’m",
"yelling at her to drive as i grapple the apple",
"pie in one hand and bat at the bug with the",
"other. she immediately gets her senses back and",
"pulls over turning on her emergency flashers. i",
"jump out of the car and i’m still trying to bat",
"it out of the car. as it turns out the suv that",
"was following was actually a cop. he turns on his",
"lights and pulls over behind us. he gets out and",
"asks us what the hell we’re doing half off the",
"road. we explain to him the situation and luckily",
"he believes us and tells us to pull over further",
"and mentions something about bee allergies. clara",
"was still pretty shaken up so i drove home after",
"that. she found the bug dead in her car",
"yesterday. i got to clean the carpet."
] |
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of leftover apple pie and another of chocolate and cake. my uncle offers to plastic wrap them up pulls over turning on her emergency flashers. i
|
19 | 26 | 0.69 | 19 |
note: first and foremost, i just want to say i fully support the lgbtq community, and using this excuse as a crutch was wrong.
edit: again i just want to reiterate my note. i will never know the struggles that a person of a different sexual orientation goes through on a daily basis. using it as an excuse was not the best idea. but hey i was drunk. and i saw my out. my excuse was distasteful. moreover, it was never my intention to shame a girl with a bigger body type. it's just not what i prefer.
so this happened a few years ago, some buddies and i decided to hit the town and find some women. i should say that i am not a smooth talker, so i let the liquid courage take control. anyway, it's getting near closing time at the bar and some girl walks up to me and asks if i like eva mendes. of course i do, so she tells me her friend looks exactly like her and wants to talk to me. so in my drunken stupor i make my way through the dimly lit bar to see this eva mendes doppelgänger for myself. i see that she's sitting at the bar (warning sign #1). we start shooting the shit until the bar closes. as we are walking outside, she gives me her number and begins furiously making out with me. i leave, get into a cab, and nudge the driver like "heh, did you see that?". so we began texting over the next few days and i was constantly trying to get a pic of her so i could remember what she looked like (damn you, alcohol), but she never would (warning sign #2). so two weekends later we decided to meet up. unfortunately, i had to work late that saturday and didn't get back to my apartment until well into the evening. but i was still thinking with my smaller head, so i chugged a couple beers and took a shot of liquor prior to picking her up. i wanted to get her back before the alcohol started kicking in. you know in movies when it rains, it typically implies something ominous and terrible is about to happen? well, warning sign #3, because it was monsooning. so i text her and tell her i'm outside the bar, and this rotund girl comes running out. wait, not running, but rather bumbling down the walk way. i should've ended this then and there. but again, the alcohol was taking over my better judgement so i thought "fuck it." she gets into my car and we start back to my apartment. now, because of the inundation of rain my roof was leaking over my bed so we went into the den where the futon was. she asked me to get her a sock to stuff her mouth with. ummm okay, not my style. so i go and get the sock and a jimmy cap for safety, all the while thinking i need to get out of this. things eventually progress and that's when i say i'm going to put on some protection, much to her chagrin. "awwwwww, whyyyyyy?" she says. so we start doing the deed, and my member finds itself in a cavernous hole. i felt like one of aunt lysa's victims, falling through the moon door. never ending, spelunking type cave that is her embarrassingly enough i didn't last as long as she had hoped. (i hadn't been laid in a couple weeks, and didn't think to get some of the lead out prior to our rendezvous).
this is when my tifu begins.
she begins to beg me to "get up" again, but i was having second second thoughts. that's when i had my flash in the pan idea. this messiah of all ideas. i half jokingly say "i'm gay." there was a moment on her face that read she believed me, and me seeing this as an out i continued this lie. "are you joking?" she says and that's when i go into a monologue about how i've been questioning my sexuality. meryl streep would've given me all her oscars for my performance. it was a nearly tear jerking moment as if watching the end of "my dog skip" mixed in when marley died, with a dash of jack sinking to the bottom of the atlantic after the titanic sank. this is when she freaks out. telling me her metaphysicist (read: fortune teller) warned her about me. (warning sign #4) she then recedes to our balcony where she starts calling her friends. she was out there for what seemed an eternity. all the while i'm trying to get a cab to my place, unfortunately it was 4am and cabs were scarce and uber didn't exist in my city yet. she comes back in and tells me i'm full of shit and that her friends think i'm making this up. (kudos to your friends). i couldn't get a cab, so i ended up taking her back to her place. answering all her questions on what i found attractive in men, how i can't tell my parents because they're über conservative blah blah blah. i get back to her place and she pauses before leaving and gives me a look of contempt i'll never forget.
|
hooked up with a fat chick. told her i was gay because i couldn't get it back up. she turns crazy.
|
hooking up with a girl then telling her i was gay to get her to leave
|
[
"note: first and foremost, i just want to say i",
"fully support the lgbtq community, and using this",
"excuse as a crutch was wrong.",
"edit: again i just want to reiterate my note. i",
"will never know the struggles that a person of a",
"different sexual orientation goes through on a",
"daily basis. using it as an excuse was not the",
"best idea. but hey i was drunk. and i saw my out.",
"my excuse was distasteful. moreover, it was",
"never my intention to shame a girl with a bigger",
"body type. it's just not what i prefer.",
"so this happened a few years ago, some buddies",
"and i decided to hit the town and find some",
"women. i should say that i am not a smooth",
"talker, so i let the liquid courage take control.",
"anyway, it's getting near closing time at the bar",
"and some girl walks up to me and asks if i like",
"eva mendes. of course i do, so she tells me her",
"friend looks exactly like her and wants to talk",
"to me. so in my drunken stupor i make my way",
"through the dimly lit bar to see this eva mendes",
"doppelgänger for myself. i see that she's sitting",
"at the bar (warning sign #1). we start shooting",
"the shit until the bar closes. as we are walking",
"outside, she gives me her number and begins",
"furiously making out with me. i leave, get into a",
"cab, and nudge the driver like \"heh, did you see",
"that?\". so we began texting over the next few",
"days and i was constantly trying to get a pic of",
"her so i could remember what she looked like",
"(damn you, alcohol), but she never would (warning",
"sign #2). so two weekends later we decided to",
"meet up. unfortunately, i had to work late that",
"saturday and didn't get back to my apartment",
"until well into the evening. but i was still",
"thinking with my smaller head, so i chugged a",
"couple beers and took a shot of liquor prior to",
"picking her up. i wanted to get her back before",
"the alcohol started kicking in. you know in",
"movies when it rains, it typically implies",
"something ominous and terrible is about to",
"happen? well, warning sign #3, because it was",
"monsooning. so i text her and tell her i'm",
"outside the bar, and this rotund girl comes",
"running out. wait, not running, but rather",
"bumbling down the walk way. i should've ended",
"this then and there. but again, the alcohol was",
"taking over my better judgement so i thought",
"\"fuck it.\" she gets into my car and we start back",
"to my apartment. now, because of the inundation",
"of rain my roof was leaking over my bed so we",
"went into the den where the futon was. she asked",
"me to get her a sock to stuff her mouth with.",
"ummm okay, not my style. so i go and get the sock",
"and a jimmy cap for safety, all the while",
"thinking i need to get out of this. things",
"eventually progress and that's when i say i'm",
"going to put on some protection, much to her",
"chagrin. \"awwwwww, whyyyyyy?\" she says. so we",
"start doing the deed, and my member finds itself",
"in a cavernous hole. i felt like one of aunt",
"lysa's victims, falling through the moon door.",
"never ending, spelunking type cave that is her",
"embarrassingly enough i didn't last as long as",
"she had hoped. (i hadn't been laid in a couple",
"weeks, and didn't think to get some of the lead",
"out prior to our rendezvous).",
"this is when my tifu begins.",
"she begins to beg me to \"get up\" again, but i was",
"having second second thoughts. that's when i had",
"my flash in the pan idea. this messiah of all",
"ideas. i half jokingly say \"i'm gay.\" there was a",
"moment on her face that read she believed me, and",
"me seeing this as an out i continued this lie.",
"\"are you joking?\" she says and that's when i go",
"into a monologue about how i've been questioning",
"my sexuality. meryl streep would've given me all",
"her oscars for my performance. it was a nearly",
"tear jerking moment as if watching the end of \"my",
"dog skip\" mixed in when marley died, with a dash",
"of jack sinking to the bottom of the atlantic",
"after the titanic sank. this is when she freaks",
"out. telling me her metaphysicist (read: fortune",
"teller) warned her about me. (warning sign #4)",
"she then recedes to our balcony where she starts",
"calling her friends. she was out there for what",
"seemed an eternity. all the while i'm trying to",
"get a cab to my place, unfortunately it was 4am",
"and cabs were scarce and uber didn't exist in my",
"city yet. she comes back in and tells me i'm full",
"of shit and that her friends think i'm making",
"this up. (kudos to your friends). i couldn't get",
"a cab, so i ended up taking her back to her",
"place. answering all her questions on what i",
"found attractive in men, how i can't tell my",
"parents because they're über conservative blah",
"blah blah. i get back to her place and she pauses",
"before leaving and gives me a look of contempt",
"i'll never forget."
] |
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me to get her a sock to stuff her mouth with. she begins to beg me to "get up" again, but i was this up. (kudos to your friends). i couldn't get
|
3 | 5 | 0.81 | 3 |
hello, this tifu happened about 4 years ago already. sorry if my english is hard to read, this is not my first language.
so i work in it and 4 years ago, i went to a customer for a job. while i was with the customer, we were discussing about formating and reinstalling windows on one of his workstation. we both agreed that i could do it at my office.
so i am leaving my customer building and i got my hands full with the customer computer, my toolbox and my job laptop. i had to put some stuff on the ground so i could free my hand and open the car door.
so i put my laptop against one of the rear tire, open the car door, put all the stuff in the car, and i am there ready to go back at my office.
but like you can guess with the tifu title, i did forgot to put the laptop in the car. i am going reverse to leave the parking lot when suddently i feel something that just pass under the front tire, i stoped the car and at this exact moment, realize what just happen.
man i was feeling so dumb ! plus, i was fairly new at this job at the time and the laptop was not a cheap one, it's an hp elitebook that was worth around 2k$ back then.
fortunately for me, my boss is a very good and comprehensive guy, he was not happy but he did not gave me trouble about this.
but the most amusing part of this story is that this computer is still alive and working ! i am even writing from this computer right now !
since this laptop cover is made in aluminium and not in plastic like most laptop, and since it was in a carrying case, only the screen did broke.
we took an extra care warranty on the laptop after the incident happen (it was like 2 or 3 months after the purchase), we waited like 2 or 3 weeks, than call an hp certified tech, told him an "alternative" story and he did replace the screen.
so this is my tifu ! thanks for reading.
|
work in it, forgot my laptop outside the car while leaving, did roll over my laptop with my car.
|
rolling over my job laptop with my car.
|
[
"hello, this tifu happened about 4 years ago",
"already. sorry if my english is hard to read,",
"this is not my first language.",
"so i work in it and 4 years ago, i went to a",
"customer for a job. while i was with the",
"customer, we were discussing about formating and",
"reinstalling windows on one of his workstation.",
"we both agreed that i could do it at my office.",
"so i am leaving my customer building and i got my",
"hands full with the customer computer, my",
"toolbox and my job laptop. i had to put some",
"stuff on the ground so i could free my hand and",
"open the car door.",
"so i put my laptop against one of the rear tire,",
"open the car door, put all the stuff in the car,",
"and i am there ready to go back at my office.",
"but like you can guess with the tifu title, i did",
"forgot to put the laptop in the car. i am going",
"reverse to leave the parking lot when suddently i",
"feel something that just pass under the front",
"tire, i stoped the car and at this exact moment,",
"realize what just happen.",
"man i was feeling so dumb ! plus, i was fairly",
"new at this job at the time and the laptop was",
"not a cheap one, it's an hp elitebook that was",
"worth around 2k$ back then.",
"fortunately for me, my boss is a very good and",
"comprehensive guy, he was not happy but he did",
"not gave me trouble about this.",
"but the most amusing part of this story is that",
"this computer is still alive and working ! i am",
"even writing from this computer right now !",
"since this laptop cover is made in aluminium and",
"not in plastic like most laptop, and since it was",
"in a carrying case, only the screen did broke.",
"we took an extra care warranty on the laptop",
"after the incident happen (it was like 2 or 3",
"months after the purchase), we waited like 2 or 3",
"weeks, than call an hp certified tech, told him",
"an \"alternative\" story and he did replace the",
"screen.",
"so this is my tifu ! thanks for reading."
] |
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so i work in it and 4 years ago, i went to a forgot to put the laptop in the car. i am going
|
1 | 3 | 1 | 1 |
this happened about a year ago. i'm an electrician in a large city in canada. we get a service call to install conduit from the lan room of an office on the 20th floor to the data room; that is the chase between floors for the new fiber optic line. so i see that the only route available takes me through the men's and women's washroom and into the office space. so i happily get to work bending conduit throwing it in the cling and putting the tiles back in the tbar. i get through the mechanical room into the men's room and stuff the conduit into the ladies side.
so we pull our stuff out of the men's room and into the hallway. we go for lunch and come back to site to finish the last half of the day put up signage directing office personell to washrooms on other floors. setup my ladder and get to work measuring for the next piece. as i'm comming back out i can hear my coworker talking to a woman who wants to use the facilities. i say hey its not a problem and let her go in and wait until she is out to test fit my next piece. while i'm in the celing i hear someone come into the washroom and go to the one beside me. figuring it was my coworker i look down as i say hey bud can you pass me... and realize that some woman has decided the stall adjacent to me is the best seat in the house. catching myself before she looks up my eyes are glued to the roof until she leaves. this happens 4 more times before i finish. there are 5 stalls and i'm in stall 2 so i dunno if i'm in the best stall or if the others are that dirty. but i wasn't going to get a sexual harassment talk.
|
women like to have someone there to watch them pee
|
working in a women's washroom
|
[
"this happened about a year ago. i'm an electrician",
"in a large city in canada. we get a service call",
"to install conduit from the lan room of an office",
"on the 20th floor to the data room; that is the",
"chase between floors for the new fiber optic",
"line. so i see that the only route available",
"takes me through the men's and women's washroom",
"and into the office space. so i happily get to",
"work bending conduit throwing it in the cling and",
"putting the tiles back in the tbar. i get through",
"the mechanical room into the men's room and",
"stuff the conduit into the ladies side.",
"so we pull our stuff out of the men's room and",
"into the hallway. we go for lunch and come back",
"to site to finish the last half of the day put up",
"signage directing office personell to washrooms",
"on other floors. setup my ladder and get to work",
"measuring for the next piece. as i'm comming back",
"out i can hear my coworker talking to a woman who",
"wants to use the facilities. i say hey its not a",
"problem and let her go in and wait until she is",
"out to test fit my next piece. while i'm in the",
"celing i hear someone come into the washroom and",
"go to the one beside me. figuring it was my",
"coworker i look down as i say hey bud can you",
"pass me... and realize that some woman has",
"decided the stall adjacent to me is the best seat",
"in the house. catching myself before she looks up",
"my eyes are glued to the roof until she leaves.",
"this happens 4 more times before i finish. there",
"are 5 stalls and i'm in stall 2 so i dunno if",
"i'm in the best stall or if the others are that",
"dirty. but i wasn't going to get a sexual",
"harassment talk."
] |
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signage directing office personell to washrooms
|
2 | 2 | 1 | 2 |
first time i've actually had something to post here.
i work in an office, sitting at a computer all day. for the past week or so, i've had a bad cold. coughing, sneezing, etc.
i'm sitting there working, and a particularly big sneeze hits. this felt like i sneezed in more than one place. gooshy.
i get up a few minutes later, inconspicuously inspect the gray seat cushion while getting my water.
yup. a faint stain, rusty in color.
i was on my period and managed to go through my pad when sneezing.
fml.
|
sneezed while on period, left my mark on the office
|
sneezing...
|
[
"first time i've actually had something to post",
"here.",
"i work in an office, sitting at a computer all",
"day. for the past week or so, i've had a bad",
"cold. coughing, sneezing, etc.",
"i'm sitting there working, and a particularly big",
"sneeze hits. this felt like i sneezed in more",
"than one place. gooshy.",
"i get up a few minutes later, inconspicuously",
"inspect the gray seat cushion while getting my",
"water.",
"yup. a faint stain, rusty in color.",
"i was on my period and managed to go through my",
"pad when sneezing.",
"fml."
] |
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inspect the gray seat cushion while getting my i was on my period and managed to go through my
|
0 | 3 | 0.4 | 0 |
this actually happened this afternoon. i live in kuwait, and it was around 35 degrees celsius today (can't wait for summer). people also tend to be assholes (bonus douchebaggery for high school), and everyone picks on this one kid in my class, let's call him ned.
so at school, on the last floor, we have a single activities room with access to the roof, however the door to the rooftop is generally kept closed. today, the door was open and the devilish heat was creeping in. i closed the door. i fucked up.
apparently ned was out there, and the shitty door's handles were broken on either side. ned, someone who i've seen get bullied nearly daily without saying a word goes full on hulk mode because apparently he was fed up with everyone being dicks. the door was a cheap aluminum frame with 3 thin vertical glass panels with some steel mesh support thingy inside them. ned shoulder barges the door and cracks the middle panel. ned demands to know "which piece of shit locked him out", and everyone rats me out. ned starts making death threats. i genuinely fear for my life. i put my face near the door and tell him to calm down and that we sent for the vice principal to bring the key to the door. ned punches the panel near my face, spraying a negligible amount of glass into my face, apparently he was still upset and i was of no consolation. i fear for my life even more. one of ned's friends asks me what the fuck is wrong with me and why i'd do something like that to him. apparently it was also ned's birthday.
fastforward a bit and ned is let out through another rooftop door, i make my self scarce. i get called for by my class' coordinator to discuss what happened. ned got told off for being on the rooftop in the first place and was also told he had to watch his temper. ned has detention tomorrow. i fear that the worst has yet to come.
will try to snap some proof-shots of the door at school tomorrow if it is still not fixed by then.
edit to mention that i'm not one of the pieces of crap that bully ned.
|
i innocently closed a door, now i have a guy who wants to kill me in what i can only assume to be pretty gruesome ways.
|
closing a door.
|
[
"this actually happened this afternoon. i live in",
"kuwait, and it was around 35 degrees celsius",
"today (can't wait for summer). people also tend",
"to be assholes (bonus douchebaggery for high",
"school), and everyone picks on this one kid in my",
"class, let's call him ned.",
"so at school, on the last floor, we have a",
"single activities room with access to the roof,",
"however the door to the rooftop is generally kept",
"closed. today, the door was open and the devilish",
"heat was creeping in. i closed the door. i fucked",
"up.",
"apparently ned was out there, and the shitty",
"door's handles were broken on either side. ned,",
"someone who i've seen get bullied nearly daily",
"without saying a word goes full on hulk mode",
"because apparently he was fed up with everyone",
"being dicks. the door was a cheap aluminum frame",
"with 3 thin vertical glass panels with some steel",
"mesh support thingy inside them. ned shoulder",
"barges the door and cracks the middle panel. ned",
"demands to know \"which piece of shit locked him",
"out\", and everyone rats me out. ned starts making",
"death threats. i genuinely fear for my life. i",
"put my face near the door and tell him to calm",
"down and that we sent for the vice principal to",
"bring the key to the door. ned punches the panel",
"near my face, spraying a negligible amount of",
"glass into my face, apparently he was still upset",
"and i was of no consolation. i fear for my life",
"even more. one of ned's friends asks me what the",
"fuck is wrong with me and why i'd do something",
"like that to him. apparently it was also ned's",
"birthday.",
"fastforward a bit and ned is let out through",
"another rooftop door, i make my self scarce. i",
"get called for by my class' coordinator to",
"discuss what happened. ned got told off for being",
"on the rooftop in the first place and was also",
"told he had to watch his temper. ned has",
"detention tomorrow. i fear that the worst has yet",
"to come.",
"will try to snap some proof-shots of the door at",
"school tomorrow if it is still not fixed by then.",
"edit to mention that i'm not one of the pieces of",
"crap that bully ned."
] |
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to be assholes (bonus douchebaggery for high so at school, on the last floor, we have a heat was creeping in. i closed the door. i fucked
|
36 | 5 | 0.91 | 36 |
this was actually last weekend and i was drinking with at a wedding reception. the wedding party had some things to take care of so i offered to move the best man's truck that was illegally parked so he didn't have to worry about it. i get in the truck and drive slowly about a block away. i have to turn around to park so i pull into the alley and turn around. i lock the truck and start to walk away and someone else who happened to be outside says, "you know you lost your cooler, right?" i turn around and all of wedding reception's liquor is laying in the middle of the street. it looked like a graveyard for alcohol. i picked up all the glass i could. found a groomsman and explained the situation and had to drive to the nearest liquor store (20 miles away) and drop $300 on crown, crown apple, fireball, and captain.
(this is my first post ever)
|
tried being nice and it cost me $300
|
ruining a wedding reception.
|
[
"this was actually last weekend and i was drinking",
"with at a wedding reception. the wedding party",
"had some things to take care of so i offered to",
"move the best man's truck that was illegally",
"parked so he didn't have to worry about it. i get",
"in the truck and drive slowly about a block away.",
"i have to turn around to park so i pull into the",
"alley and turn around. i lock the truck and start",
"to walk away and someone else who happened to be",
"outside says, \"you know you lost your cooler,",
"right?\" i turn around and all of wedding",
"reception's liquor is laying in the middle of the",
"street. it looked like a graveyard for alcohol. i",
"picked up all the glass i could. found a",
"groomsman and explained the situation and had to",
"drive to the nearest liquor store (20 miles away)",
"and drop $300 on crown, crown apple, fireball,",
"and captain.",
"(this is my first post ever)"
] |
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and drop $300 on crown, crown apple, fireball,
|
31 | 27 | 0.85 | 31 |
so... this happened last week.
i was driving to my house, happy that i had just turned in my final portfolio for my poetry writing class. my plan was to just stop home to snuggle with my cat for a bit. as i was leaving my house to drive to my girlfriend's place, i noticed that my phone was dead. i got this phone for my birthday last month, and at that point had not bought a car charger for it, but decided it would be okay to drive to her place with a dead phone anyway. boy, was i just fucking wrong.
i drove down the interstate, and all of a sudden traffic just completely stops. it was around 9:30 pm, so i figured there must have been an accident or something. nope. four right lanes were blocked off, i found out later due to repaving. after about an hour of sitting in traffic, three little letters pop up on my dashboard and my radio starts dying for five seconds at a time and then working again. my mustang then proceeds to die in the middle of the interstate. and i have a dead phone.
after about half an hour of trying to get someone to pull over to help me, i am shedding tears and screaming "good samaritans of georgia. fucking help." finally, a nice man and his wife and child pull over. the man introduces himself and isaiah and let's me use his phone to call my dad so he can call the tow truck. i was freaking out and didn't think to call 911 so my dad told me that would probably be the best course of action. isaiah waited with me for probably an hour, and we had a nice conversation (albeit in the middle of an interstate... strange.) however, when the tow truck nor the police came, he told me that he had to be on his way. he probably had to wait in traffic another hour. isaiah left and i was sitting in my car when the police finally showed up. the officer jumped my car and told me it was probably either a battery or alternator problem. he followed me to the next exit where i found a gas station, left my car running, bought a charger, and finally made my way toward my girlfriend's house.
now i realize that a) i shouldn't drive without a charged phone and b) people probably weren't stopping because they thought i might have been a murderer using the "my car died" excuse an bait.
if you happen to be the isaiah who stopped and helped me, you are an angel samaritan. god bless you.
lesson. learned.
|
phone died but drove to girlfriend's place anyway. car died on interstate and waited a long ass time for someone to stop and help. charge your phone
|
not charging my phone
|
[
"so... this happened last week.",
"i was driving to my house, happy that i had just",
"turned in my final portfolio for my poetry",
"writing class. my plan was to just stop home to",
"snuggle with my cat for a bit. as i was leaving",
"my house to drive to my girlfriend's place, i",
"noticed that my phone was dead. i got this phone",
"for my birthday last month, and at that point had",
"not bought a car charger for it, but decided it",
"would be okay to drive to her place with a dead",
"phone anyway. boy, was i just fucking wrong.",
"i drove down the interstate, and all of a sudden",
"traffic just completely stops. it was around 9:30",
"pm, so i figured there must have been an accident",
"or something. nope. four right lanes were blocked",
"off, i found out later due to repaving. after",
"about an hour of sitting in traffic, three little",
"letters pop up on my dashboard and my radio",
"starts dying for five seconds at a time and then",
"working again. my mustang then proceeds to die in",
"the middle of the interstate. and i have a dead",
"phone.",
"after about half an hour of trying to get someone",
"to pull over to help me, i am shedding tears and",
"screaming \"good samaritans of georgia. fucking",
"help.\" finally, a nice man and his wife and child",
"pull over. the man introduces himself and isaiah",
"and let's me use his phone to call my dad so he",
"can call the tow truck. i was freaking out and",
"didn't think to call 911 so my dad told me that",
"would probably be the best course of action.",
"isaiah waited with me for probably an hour, and",
"we had a nice conversation (albeit in the middle",
"of an interstate... strange.) however, when the",
"tow truck nor the police came, he told me that he",
"had to be on his way. he probably had to wait in",
"traffic another hour. isaiah left and i was",
"sitting in my car when the police finally showed",
"up. the officer jumped my car and told me it was",
"probably either a battery or alternator problem.",
"he followed me to the next exit where i found a",
"gas station, left my car running, bought a",
"charger, and finally made my way toward my",
"girlfriend's house.",
"now i realize that a) i shouldn't drive without a",
"charged phone and b) people probably weren't",
"stopping because they thought i might have been a",
"murderer using the \"my car died\" excuse an bait.",
"if you happen to be the isaiah who stopped and",
"helped me, you are an angel samaritan. god bless",
"you.",
"lesson. learned."
] |
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my house to drive to my girlfriend's place, i i drove down the interstate, and all of a sudden murderer using the "my car died" excuse an bait.
|
5 | 2 | 0.83 | 5 |
this tifu happened yesterday but i only got around to posting it right now.
yesterday, i was with my parents on some errands and i took their car keys to try out their car's proximity sensor on the door which opens the car when you're close to it with the key. i tried it many times, without success, so i gave up and headed back to my parents inside a store.
moments later, a cop car pulled up and two cops entered the building i was in, asking who i was with and left when i explained i was there with my parents. a few minutes later, two more cops pulled up, for a total of 3 cop cars, and another cop entered my building asking if anyone was the owner of my parents' car, because they had gotten a call from the starbucks across the lot that a man had been trying to break into the car.
in the end, i explained the situation and the cops felt a little silly, having sent three squad cars for nothing. this was the most exciting thing to happen to me this year.
|
assumptions could get you arrested.
|
trying to breaking into my own car
|
[
"this tifu happened yesterday but i only got around",
"to posting it right now.",
"yesterday, i was with my parents on some errands",
"and i took their car keys to try out their car's",
"proximity sensor on the door which opens the car",
"when you're close to it with the key. i tried it",
"many times, without success, so i gave up and",
"headed back to my parents inside a store.",
"moments later, a cop car pulled up and two cops",
"entered the building i was in, asking who i was",
"with and left when i explained i was there with",
"my parents. a few minutes later, two more cops",
"pulled up, for a total of 3 cop cars, and another",
"cop entered my building asking if anyone was the",
"owner of my parents' car, because they had gotten",
"a call from the starbucks across the lot that a",
"man had been trying to break into the car.",
"in the end, i explained the situation and the",
"cops felt a little silly, having sent three squad",
"cars for nothing. this was the most exciting",
"thing to happen to me this year."
] |
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93 | 32 | 0.9 | 93 |
so this happened a couple weeks back actually, but still a fuck up nonetheless. i had just become friends with a new kid named dylan. i learned that he dabbled in the art of weed smoking, much like i did. after a week or so he invites me and my friend brandon over to his house for some good times. however he warns me that his parents are a little crazy and to just walk straight to his room when i get there. i didn't pay much attention to this because a lot of parents are crazy and i figured it was nothing. we get our "supplies" and start walking to dylan's house. (we would have drove but a week before we crashed brandon's car. - but that's a story for a different time). we get there and he directs us to the back of the house. we go into his room where we find his older brother nick sitting and watching tv. fast forward through the formalities and we're all hanging out and having a good time. i got these guys laughing non stop and it's all good fun. we're laughing uncontrollably, when dylan's mom yells from the kitchen "keep it down in there". out of respect for her house, i try to tone down the jokes. but i guess these attempts were futile because next thing i know she's kicking the door "open this fucking door." my heart sank, she was screaming so loud. subsequently dylan gets up to answer the door. he opens it and his mother walks in and starts pointing bony fingers at everyone. "whos the funny guy?! whos the one laughing it up in here?!" dylan and nick desperately try to calm her down and save my ass in the process. "no one mom, it was us. we were laughing." she wasn't buying it. "bullshit, i know your laughs. this was a foreign voice!" the finger instantly falls onto me, i felt like sinking into the bed. "perhaps it was you huh?" dylan had enough of the yelling and acted out. "get the fuck out of my room mom" he then pushes the fuck out of his mom. *holy fuck* i think to myself. *this shit just got real as fuck*. his mom then pushes dylan even farther than he pushed her. i was terrified and my friend brandon who was with us was on the verge of death. he kept mumbling, "we can leave.. i'll leave right now, it's no problem." nick assures us that their father would settle things and that he's cool. so in comes the dad and let me tell you this. he looks exactly like trevor from gta v. very calmly he says "sorry guys, but you have to go." the boys plea and the entire time the mother is just talking shit. "don't give a fuck what he says. i'm the wife, it's what i say." the father eventually caves and we can stay for a bit. but brandon was terrified and i had to get him out of there. so we say goodbye to our friends and head towards the door. as soon as my hands clasp the doorknob, i hear the dad yell from the back room. "dylan, you push your mother?" i turned around to look at brandon when dylan yells back. "that bitch had it coming." i knew that was my final cue to get the hell out of there. i later found out that my friends parents are both crystal meth dealers. i have yet to go back into that house.
---
---
update: things are all good now, dylan and i are actually about to roll one up. he is not a redditor but he says hi to the community
|
i went to my friends house to smoke and he got into a royal rumble with his meth dealing parents. where i was almost lynched for making people laugh.
|
making my friends meth dealing parents upset
|
[
"so this happened a couple weeks back actually, but",
"still a fuck up nonetheless. i had just become",
"friends with a new kid named dylan. i learned",
"that he dabbled in the art of weed smoking, much",
"like i did. after a week or so he invites me and",
"my friend brandon over to his house for some good",
"times. however he warns me that his parents are a",
"little crazy and to just walk straight to his",
"room when i get there. i didn't pay much",
"attention to this because a lot of parents are",
"crazy and i figured it was nothing. we get our",
"\"supplies\" and start walking to dylan's house.",
"(we would have drove but a week before we crashed",
"brandon's car. - but that's a story for a",
"different time). we get there and he directs us",
"to the back of the house. we go into his room",
"where we find his older brother nick sitting and",
"watching tv. fast forward through the formalities",
"and we're all hanging out and having a good time.",
"i got these guys laughing non stop and it's all",
"good fun. we're laughing uncontrollably, when",
"dylan's mom yells from the kitchen \"keep it down",
"in there\". out of respect for her house, i try to",
"tone down the jokes. but i guess these attempts",
"were futile because next thing i know she's",
"kicking the door \"open this fucking door.\" my",
"heart sank, she was screaming so loud.",
"subsequently dylan gets up to answer the door. he",
"opens it and his mother walks in and starts",
"pointing bony fingers at everyone. \"whos the",
"funny guy?! whos the one laughing it up in",
"here?!\" dylan and nick desperately try to calm",
"her down and save my ass in the process. \"no one",
"mom, it was us. we were laughing.\" she wasn't",
"buying it. \"bullshit, i know your laughs. this",
"was a foreign voice!\" the finger instantly falls",
"onto me, i felt like sinking into the bed.",
"\"perhaps it was you huh?\" dylan had enough of the",
"yelling and acted out. \"get the fuck out of my",
"room mom\" he then pushes the fuck out of his mom.",
"*holy fuck* i think to myself. *this shit just",
"got real as fuck*. his mom then pushes dylan even",
"farther than he pushed her. i was terrified and",
"my friend brandon who was with us was on the",
"verge of death. he kept mumbling, \"we can leave..",
"i'll leave right now, it's no problem.\" nick",
"assures us that their father would settle things",
"and that he's cool. so in comes the dad and let",
"me tell you this. he looks exactly like trevor",
"from gta v. very calmly he says \"sorry guys, but",
"you have to go.\" the boys plea and the entire",
"time the mother is just talking shit. \"don't give",
"a fuck what he says. i'm the wife, it's what i",
"say.\" the father eventually caves and we can stay",
"for a bit. but brandon was terrified and i had to",
"get him out of there. so we say goodbye to our",
"friends and head towards the door. as soon as my",
"hands clasp the doorknob, i hear the dad yell",
"from the back room. \"dylan, you push your",
"mother?\" i turned around to look at brandon when",
"dylan yells back. \"that bitch had it coming.\" i",
"knew that was my final cue to get the hell out of",
"there. i later found out that my friends parents",
"are both crystal meth dealers. i have yet to go",
"back into that house.",
"---",
"---",
"update: things are all good now, dylan and i are",
"actually about to roll one up. he is not a",
"redditor but he says hi to the community"
] |
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farther than he pushed her. i was terrified and for a bit. but brandon was terrified and i had to there. i later found out that my friends parents back into that house.
|
8 | 5 | 0.88 | 8 |
i've never had a facebook account, just never saw the point, and my friends have asked me to get one for a while. they said that a lot of messaging happens on it so it would useful to have. also, i think i'm pretty fucking hilarious at times. so i'm i decide to set up a facebook account, but since i know i'm going to use it for messaging i set it up through the phone app. for the efficiency i guess? account is set up and people start freaking out a little bit and send me a bunch of invites. no this is where me thinking i'm funny comes in. i'm very sociable and know a lot of people, so there's quite a number originally. i get an idea and start nitpicking my friend group like it's a special club. i send them messages like "you can't be my friend, you're not cool enough", "i don't think we can accept your resume at this time, reapply later". stupid shit like that. once i accepted a few friends a whole fuking load start coming in. so left and right i'm denying people to amuse my fat ass. now the "wants to add you as a friend" prompt on the phone app is a rectangle pull down that appears at the top but here's the thing, so is the suggested friend. it doesn't indicate this easily either. i had sent stupid shitty messages to about 100 people on facebook. i am currently regretting everything.
|
i mistook "wants to add you as a friend" for the suggested friends on the facebook phone app.
|
using the facebook app instead of the website.
|
[
"i've never had a facebook account, just never saw",
"the point, and my friends have asked me to get",
"one for a while. they said that a lot of",
"messaging happens on it so it would useful to",
"have. also, i think i'm pretty fucking hilarious",
"at times. so i'm i decide to set up a facebook",
"account, but since i know i'm going to use it for",
"messaging i set it up through the phone app. for",
"the efficiency i guess? account is set up and",
"people start freaking out a little bit and send",
"me a bunch of invites. no this is where me",
"thinking i'm funny comes in. i'm very sociable",
"and know a lot of people, so there's quite a",
"number originally. i get an idea and start",
"nitpicking my friend group like it's a special",
"club. i send them messages like \"you can't be my",
"friend, you're not cool enough\", \"i don't think",
"we can accept your resume at this time, reapply",
"later\". stupid shit like that. once i accepted a",
"few friends a whole fuking load start coming in.",
"so left and right i'm denying people to amuse my",
"fat ass. now the \"wants to add you as a friend\"",
"prompt on the phone app is a rectangle pull down",
"that appears at the top but here's the thing, so",
"is the suggested friend. it doesn't indicate this",
"easily either. i had sent stupid shitty messages",
"to about 100 people on facebook. i am currently",
"regretting everything."
] |
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fat ass. now the "wants to add you as a friend" prompt on the phone app is a rectangle pull down
|
71 | 13 | 0.91 | 71 |
this happened to me about 2 hours ago.
i had a very exhausting day at work and went to the supermarket to get my empty bottles to the deposit (idk if you call it that in english). now when i pulled out the receipt, the machine gave it a slight push. being the clumsy person that i am, combined with an exhausting day, i drop the receipt. since all laws of physics seem to hate me in that situation they let the receipt fall into the crate part of the machine ([looking like this](http://www.einkaufswagenprofi.de/fileadmin/media/bilder/bilder_vetvicka/leergutautomaten-reinigung_07.jpg)) where it gets sucked into. now this was already a major fu for me and as i was still shaking my head about how dumb i've been, a little boy, who had been behind me, starts climbing into the machine to get my receipt for me. at first i was kinda dumbfounded, then i realized that the boy was getting sucked into the machine as well and tried to pull him out. his parents then appear and start pulling, too (screaming his name). finally we get the boy out of the machine (the whole market was probably looking at us), he hands me back my receipt. having another person clean up my mess i was quite ashamed and almost whispered a thank you, just to get out of the building as fast as possible.
|
i let my deposit receipt fall into the machine, a boy gets stuck in there trying to get it back for me
|
getting a boy stuck in a bottle deposit
|
[
"this happened to me about 2 hours ago.",
"i had a very exhausting day at work and went to",
"the supermarket to get my empty bottles to the",
"deposit (idk if you call it that in english). now",
"when i pulled out the receipt, the machine gave",
"it a slight push. being the clumsy person that i",
"am, combined with an exhausting day, i drop the",
"receipt. since all laws of physics seem to hate",
"me in that situation they let the receipt fall",
"into the crate part of the machine ([looking like",
"this](http://www.einkaufswagenprofi.de/fileadmin/",
"media/bilder/bilder_vetvicka/leergutautomaten-rein",
"igung_07.jpg))",
"where it gets sucked into. now this was already a",
"major fu for me and as i was still shaking my",
"head about how dumb i've been, a little boy, who",
"had been behind me, starts climbing into the",
"machine to get my receipt for me. at first i was",
"kinda dumbfounded, then i realized that the boy",
"was getting sucked into the machine as well and",
"tried to pull him out. his parents then appear",
"and start pulling, too (screaming his name).",
"finally we get the boy out of the machine (the",
"whole market was probably looking at us), he",
"hands me back my receipt. having another person",
"clean up my mess i was quite ashamed and almost",
"whispered a thank you, just to get out of the",
"building as fast as possible."
] |
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me in that situation they let the receipt fall where it gets sucked into. now this was already a machine to get my receipt for me. at first i was
|
186 | 85 | 0.89 | 186 |
this happened about a few years ago. i was with my mom and my great grandmother. my great grandmother wanted to go back to where she grew up (this small shitty town called alton, missouri about 10 miles from arkansas). we went there, it was a horrible time (i am not a very outdoorsy type of person). so on the way back we find ourselves at this really bad motel with a cesaers pizza, and a convenience store next to it. we were going to pizza for dinner and my mom told me to get bottles of soda from the convenient store. when i went in i got the soda and everything and while i was checking out, this like 20'something year old guy started talking about how i have a really good tan (i'm half black). so i told him that i was half black and he said in like the stereotypical racist southern manner "yo blood be tainted boy" and then he spit on my hoodie which really pissed me the fuck off so i punched him to the ground (i do mma) and i ran off with the soda (yes i already paid for it). so i went back to the motel without telling my mother or my grandmother. the next day after sleeping very little, we were going back to st. louis where we lived and my grandmother wanted to check out all out these antique shops. i was extremely anxious to go and leave (obviously i didn't want to get arrested or something) and my grandmother didn't know so she thought that i didn't like spending time with her which wasn't the case at all. so after we got back to st. louis she just wouldn't talk to me and my mom was really mad at me that i got her upset. this is when the really bad part happens. the police show up to our front door saying they were there to arrest me (fml right). my mom was freaking the hell out and i went with the officers and while my mom bailed me out, i had to tell her what happened and she and my grandmother ended up forgiving me for what i did to upset them. i was eventually not charged because he did instigate me by spitting on me. fuck i hate racist people.
edit: a lot of your questions, i have answered in the comments, just look.
edit 2: the convenience store had a camera and one of the people in my neighborhood saw that it was me, that how the police found me.
edit 3: says mma.
|
shitty time traveling, got spit on by racist,punched racist, upset my grandmother, got arrested
|
punching a racist guy
|
[
"this happened about a few years ago. i was with my",
"mom and my great grandmother. my great",
"grandmother wanted to go back to where she grew",
"up (this small shitty town called alton, missouri",
"about 10 miles from arkansas). we went there, it",
"was a horrible time (i am not a very outdoorsy",
"type of person). so on the way back we find",
"ourselves at this really bad motel with a cesaers",
"pizza, and a convenience store next to it. we",
"were going to pizza for dinner and my mom told me",
"to get bottles of soda from the convenient store.",
"when i went in i got the soda and everything and",
"while i was checking out, this like 20'something",
"year old guy started talking about how i have a",
"really good tan (i'm half black). so i told him",
"that i was half black and he said in like the",
"stereotypical racist southern manner \"yo blood be",
"tainted boy\" and then he spit on my hoodie which",
"really pissed me the fuck off so i punched him to",
"the ground (i do mma) and i ran off with the soda",
"(yes i already paid for it). so i went back to",
"the motel without telling my mother or my",
"grandmother. the next day after sleeping very",
"little, we were going back to st. louis where we",
"lived and my grandmother wanted to check out all",
"out these antique shops. i was extremely anxious",
"to go and leave (obviously i didn't want to get",
"arrested or something) and my grandmother didn't",
"know so she thought that i didn't like spending",
"time with her which wasn't the case at all. so",
"after we got back to st. louis she just wouldn't",
"talk to me and my mom was really mad at me that i",
"got her upset. this is when the really bad part",
"happens. the police show up to our front door",
"saying they were there to arrest me (fml right).",
"my mom was freaking the hell out and i went with",
"the officers and while my mom bailed me out, i",
"had to tell her what happened and she and my",
"grandmother ended up forgiving me for what i did",
"to upset them. i was eventually not charged",
"because he did instigate me by spitting on me.",
"fuck i hate racist people.",
"edit: a lot of your questions, i have answered in",
"the comments, just look.",
"edit 2: the convenience store had a camera and",
"one of the people in my neighborhood saw that it",
"was me, that how the police found me.",
"edit 3: says mma."
] |
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tainted boy" and then he spit on my hoodie which arrested or something) and my grandmother didn't
|
12 | 8 | 0.89 | 12 |
as per standard tifu procedure, let me preface this with the caveat that this fu occurred a couple of weeks ago.
so, i work in a tower block and annoyingly our bathroom is located inside our office in a small room at the back of the sales floor, it's a bit awkward as it's a mixed-sex toilet and it's not nice to hear the girls in the office dropping the kids off or throwing up when pregnant (3 and counting) but what can you do?
i went for my daily 11 o clock poo, pants down at the ankles, sat there on the throne playing some game, when suddenly the handle goes. this happens often but the lock prevents people from walking in, it just usually means i have to hurry up, but not today as i'd failed to lock the door.
the poor filipino walks in, sees me there, pants down, squeezing one out and she just stares at me in horror, screams and runs out. i hear the sales floor erupt in laughter whilst the girl has to leave the office to regain her composure, absolutely horrified at seeing me there, having a poo.
it was not a pleasurable experience walking into the office after and even today i get sarcastic remarks about remembering to lock the door.
|
forget to lock the door, girl sees me shit.
|
not locking the goddamn bathroom door....
|
[
"as per standard tifu procedure, let me preface",
"this with the caveat that this fu occurred a",
"couple of weeks ago.",
"so, i work in a tower block and annoyingly our",
"bathroom is located inside our office in a small",
"room at the back of the sales floor, it's a bit",
"awkward as it's a mixed-sex toilet and it's not",
"nice to hear the girls in the office dropping the",
"kids off or throwing up when pregnant (3 and",
"counting) but what can you do?",
"i went for my daily 11 o clock poo, pants down at",
"the ankles, sat there on the throne playing some",
"game, when suddenly the handle goes. this happens",
"often but the lock prevents people from walking",
"in, it just usually means i have to hurry up, but",
"not today as i'd failed to lock the door.",
"the poor filipino walks in, sees me there, pants",
"down, squeezing one out and she just stares at me",
"in horror, screams and runs out. i hear the sales",
"floor erupt in laughter whilst the girl has to",
"leave the office to regain her composure,",
"absolutely horrified at seeing me there, having a",
"poo.",
"it was not a pleasurable experience walking into",
"the office after and even today i get sarcastic",
"remarks about remembering to lock the door."
] |
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remarks about remembering to lock the door.
|
38 | 37 | 0.87 | 38 |
as what seems to be the norm, this tifu didn’t happen today, but actually a few weeks ago.
in late january i accepted a short term position in australia to help out with a project for several months. my wife has a full time job and couldn’t come down with me, so we’ve been doing the long-distance thing since then, but one of the big perks of this position (besides missing a canadian winter) was that i was able to bring my wife down for a visit at the company’s expense. as the airfare to get here is pretty expensive, it was almost like getting a free vacation. so i took a week off and we went and did touristy things during that time.
the last place that we went to was townsville, where one of her friends currently lives and was offering to host us. we had two full days in townsville, and we made the most of it, with my wife’s friend showing us the town , the surrounding area, and a pretty cool nature reserve nearby. townsville is up in the north-east part of australia, and is pretty much just hot all year round. even at night, it can be quite hot, and if you don’t have ac, it can be really uncomfortable – which we found out first hand and led to the fu.
that first night, we were setup in the guest bedroom, which did have an ac unit. however, something was wrong with it –it was just pushing out air, not cool air. we ended up sleeping in that room that night but it was pretty difficult – hot & stuffy and not comfortable at all, so we didn’t really get any sleep. we told our host the next day and she offered her bedroom to us, but i thought –hey, it’s nice and cold downstairs in the living room. why don’t we just throw the mattress down on the living room floor and sleep there? everybody was fine with that arrangement, so that’s what we did.
and it worked out fine – it was nice, cool and comfy....until about 5 am when i’m woken up by my wife’s spastic kicking and a whispered shout of ‘onewhowonders, something just bit me and i saw it crawl out of the bed!’
that’s not something that you really want to hear under normal circumstances, but definitely not in australia, where it seems like ¾ of everything is poisonous. she ran upstairs to inform her friend/get help, while i flipped up the mattress to see what it was:
[imgur](http://i.imgur.com/muiqrsj.jpg)
[imgur](http://i.imgur.com/kkoijct.jpg)
it was a fucking giant centipede, probably over 10 cm in length. i took pictures right away to document it, just in case the thing was evil, right before our host came down with bug spray and a big broom to kill the sob. i go to check on my wife to see how bad the bite is – somehow, the frigging thing bit through a layer of yoga pants on her upper inner thigh – it was like 5 cm away from her crotch. (and, from reading afterwards, actually feels like a very, very bad wasp sting).
we end up calling the non-emergency health line just to see what we should do/if that thing was poisonous, etc. turns out it’s not poisonous, but can be dirty (good thing my wife had a tetanous shot not too long ago), which was a bit of a relief. the first thing the health line asked when we called was ‘were you sleeping on the floor?’, so i guess it’s not that uncommon.
my wife had to have a bag of frozen peas n her crotch for about an hour, but everything turned out to be ok. on the plus side, it gave us more time in the morning to do stuff in town before leaving since we got up so early.
|
– slept on the floor in australia, wife got bitten near crotch by massive centipede. don’t sleep on the floor in australia.
|
sleeping on the floor in australia
|
[
"as what seems to be the norm, this tifu didn’t",
"happen today, but actually a few weeks ago.",
"in late january i accepted a short term position",
"in australia to help out with a project for",
"several months. my wife has a full time job and",
"couldn’t come down with me, so we’ve been doing",
"the long-distance thing since then, but one of",
"the big perks of this position (besides missing a",
"canadian winter) was that i was able to bring my",
"wife down for a visit at the company’s expense.",
"as the airfare to get here is pretty expensive,",
"it was almost like getting a free vacation. so i",
"took a week off and we went and did touristy",
"things during that time.",
"the last place that we went to was townsville,",
"where one of her friends currently lives and was",
"offering to host us. we had two full days in",
"townsville, and we made the most of it, with my",
"wife’s friend showing us the town , the",
"surrounding area, and a pretty cool nature",
"reserve nearby. townsville is up in the",
"north-east part of australia, and is pretty much",
"just hot all year round. even at night, it can be",
"quite hot, and if you don’t have ac, it can be",
"really uncomfortable – which we found out first",
"hand and led to the fu.",
"that first night, we were setup in the guest",
"bedroom, which did have an ac unit. however,",
"something was wrong with it –it was just pushing",
"out air, not cool air. we ended up sleeping in",
"that room that night but it was pretty difficult",
"– hot & stuffy and not comfortable at all, so we",
"didn’t really get any sleep. we told our host the",
"next day and she offered her bedroom to us, but i",
"thought –hey, it’s nice and cold downstairs in",
"the living room. why don’t we just throw the",
"mattress down on the living room floor and sleep",
"there? everybody was fine with that arrangement,",
"so that’s what we did.",
"and it worked out fine – it was nice, cool and",
"comfy....until about 5 am when i’m woken up by my",
"wife’s spastic kicking and a whispered shout of",
"‘onewhowonders, something just bit me and i saw",
"it crawl out of the bed!’",
"that’s not something that you really want to hear",
"under normal circumstances, but definitely not in",
"australia, where it seems like ¾ of everything is",
"poisonous. she ran upstairs to inform her",
"friend/get help, while i flipped up the mattress",
"to see what it was:",
"[imgur](http://i.imgur.com/muiqrsj.jpg)",
"[imgur](http://i.imgur.com/kkoijct.jpg)",
"it was a fucking giant centipede, probably over",
"10 cm in length. i took pictures right away to",
"document it, just in case the thing was evil,",
"right before our host came down with bug spray",
"and a big broom to kill the sob. i go to check on",
"my wife to see how bad the bite is – somehow, the",
"frigging thing bit through a layer of yoga pants",
"on her upper inner thigh – it was like 5 cm away",
"from her crotch. (and, from reading afterwards,",
"actually feels like a very, very bad wasp sting).",
"we end up calling the non-emergency health line",
"just to see what we should do/if that thing was",
"poisonous, etc. turns out it’s not poisonous, but",
"can be dirty (good thing my wife had a tetanous",
"shot not too long ago), which was a bit of a",
"relief. the first thing the health line asked",
"when we called was ‘were you sleeping on the",
"floor?’, so i guess it’s not that uncommon.",
"my wife had to have a bag of frozen peas n her",
"crotch for about an hour, but everything turned",
"out to be ok. on the plus side, it gave us more",
"time in the morning to do stuff in town before",
"leaving since we got up so early."
] |
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in australia to help out with a project for mattress down on the living room floor and sleep
|
14 | 12 | 0.89 | 14 |
so this fuck up happened a few months ago, but ultimately this was set up years ago.
so a bit of backstory. my uncle is a human rights activist and is involved with several other "rights" groups. he has a name built up for himself, and it's not all good. this is ultimately where this fuck up originates.
so years ago, before he had a rather bad name built up for himself, he had asked me for a favour; as his nephew helping my uncle, not as helping out an organization. he had asked me to record him with a video cam while he delivered a written and verbal statement to the head of the department of fisheries. at this current place in time he was trying to help the fishermen start up a new union. i agreed to help him, as i didn't see any issues with this and while doing so there was no rejection to what he was doing or for me having the camera, aside from asking what purpose it served.
fast forward to last year. i had met the woman of my dreams. we had so much in common and clicked with each other like we never had with anyone else in our lives. we were both ready to settle and start a life together, discussed building a home on a plot of land that her parents were to give us, start up joint financial plans, planned trips, you name it we were planning for it. we were so sure of our love that we even got matching tattoos of a claddagh ring on our right hand ring fingers, facing inwards. anytime we had any issues we would talk about it, as we had both decided that we no longer wanted to just waste our time on people and believed that if anyone was worth your time then you could always make things work. things were going wonderful for several months, up until the launch of this massive fuck up.
you see, my girlfriend worked in security at said building that i had been at before with said uncle and video camera. i had been to her work with her before and hung out with her after hours to keep her company. he manager was also aware of this as were her co-workers. they all had no issues with me being there; until one day when someone had supposedly recognized me from the video feed from those years ago. i found this rather odd and ultimately i didn't believe this was the case to be recognized at random like this after seeing everyone else in person before. another thing to note, the person that had noticed me previously thought that my girlfriend was flirting with him, because she would just chat with him throughout the day and he was apparently a miserable prick, who was near twice her age, that wanted to ruin his marriage. she shot him down immediately and told her supervisor about it to make sure that there were no issues to be had.
so this prick apparently one day out of the blue recognizes me from a video feed from years, and i mean 5 or 6 years ago, in which i look much different now. reports it and then informs my girlfriend of said goings on. she then goes to her supervisor to tell them that they had no idea of my ties to my uncle in that manner and tries to be honest and upfront about everything.
they had lumped me in with his organizations and supposed work for them and deems me a security risk. since my girlfriend has ties with me, they then assume that she also has ties with the organization. she calls me and informs me of what is going on and i assure her that things will be okay. to which she says i am no longer allowed to visit her on site in the security office anymore. okay, i can live with that.
push ahead to the next day, roughly 28 hours after this first started the previous morning. i get a phone call from my girlfriend at 4:30, that's strange. i answer and she is bawling her eyes out and freaking out. they had removed her from the site and stripped her of her security clearances. all because they didn't know what kind of a hold that i had on her and what i would make her do. so she was now temporarily jobless. no big deal, i make enough to support the both of us. things will be okay, this was all a huge mistake on their part, violating her human rights and associating her through me and my uncle.
she goes to my place and waits for me to go and pack up her things. her parents are on the way and she spends almost two weeks out with them while we try and figure things out. after a few days she says that she has to break up with me because i am a risk to her security profile and her ability to work in a policed security area. i tell her that once she takes it to court that this can all be cleared up and we not have to work on it. she wants no part of it anymore. damage has been done and i believe that she over-reacted, as do several of my friends, but the damage is done.
i spend the next few months going through the ins and outs of a crushing breakup, losing sleep, being unable to work, loss of appetite, you name it; i was crushed.
note: there are a few more details that i can divulge, i am just in the midst of work and had to get this out there and started.
|
helped uncle, deemed security risk, girlfriend loses job and ultimately i lose the love of my life due to helping family.
|
helping out my uncle (fuck blood being thicker than water)
|
[
"so this fuck up happened a few months ago, but",
"ultimately this was set up years ago.",
"so a bit of backstory. my uncle is a human rights",
"activist and is involved with several other",
"\"rights\" groups. he has a name built up for",
"himself, and it's not all good. this is",
"ultimately where this fuck up originates.",
"so years ago, before he had a rather bad name",
"built up for himself, he had asked me for a",
"favour; as his nephew helping my uncle, not as",
"helping out an organization. he had asked me to",
"record him with a video cam while he delivered a",
"written and verbal statement to the head of the",
"department of fisheries. at this current place in",
"time he was trying to help the fishermen start up",
"a new union. i agreed to help him, as i didn't",
"see any issues with this and while doing so there",
"was no rejection to what he was doing or for me",
"having the camera, aside from asking what purpose",
"it served.",
"fast forward to last year. i had met the woman of",
"my dreams. we had so much in common and clicked",
"with each other like we never had with anyone",
"else in our lives. we were both ready to settle",
"and start a life together, discussed building a",
"home on a plot of land that her parents were to",
"give us, start up joint financial plans, planned",
"trips, you name it we were planning for it. we",
"were so sure of our love that we even got",
"matching tattoos of a claddagh ring on our right",
"hand ring fingers, facing inwards. anytime we had",
"any issues we would talk about it, as we had both",
"decided that we no longer wanted to just waste",
"our time on people and believed that if anyone",
"was worth your time then you could always make",
"things work. things were going wonderful for",
"several months, up until the launch of this",
"massive fuck up.",
"you see, my girlfriend worked in security at said",
"building that i had been at before with said",
"uncle and video camera. i had been to her work",
"with her before and hung out with her after hours",
"to keep her company. he manager was also aware of",
"this as were her co-workers. they all had no",
"issues with me being there; until one day when",
"someone had supposedly recognized me from the",
"video feed from those years ago. i found this",
"rather odd and ultimately i didn't believe this",
"was the case to be recognized at random like this",
"after seeing everyone else in person before.",
"another thing to note, the person that had",
"noticed me previously thought that my girlfriend",
"was flirting with him, because she would just",
"chat with him throughout the day and he was",
"apparently a miserable prick, who was near twice",
"her age, that wanted to ruin his marriage. she",
"shot him down immediately and told her supervisor",
"about it to make sure that there were no issues",
"to be had.",
"so this prick apparently one day out of the blue",
"recognizes me from a video feed from years, and i",
"mean 5 or 6 years ago, in which i look much",
"different now. reports it and then informs my",
"girlfriend of said goings on. she then goes to",
"her supervisor to tell them that they had no idea",
"of my ties to my uncle in that manner and tries",
"to be honest and upfront about everything.",
"they had lumped me in with his organizations and",
"supposed work for them and deems me a security",
"risk. since my girlfriend has ties with me, they",
"then assume that she also has ties with the",
"organization. she calls me and informs me of what",
"is going on and i assure her that things will be",
"okay. to which she says i am no longer allowed to",
"visit her on site in the security office anymore.",
"okay, i can live with that.",
"push ahead to the next day, roughly 28 hours",
"after this first started the previous morning. i",
"get a phone call from my girlfriend at 4:30,",
"that's strange. i answer and she is bawling her",
"eyes out and freaking out. they had removed her",
"from the site and stripped her of her security",
"clearances. all because they didn't know what",
"kind of a hold that i had on her and what i would",
"make her do. so she was now temporarily jobless.",
"no big deal, i make enough to support the both of",
"us. things will be okay, this was all a huge",
"mistake on their part, violating her human rights",
"and associating her through me and my uncle.",
"she goes to my place and waits for me to go and",
"pack up her things. her parents are on the way",
"and she spends almost two weeks out with them",
"while we try and figure things out. after a few",
"days she says that she has to break up with me",
"because i am a risk to her security profile and",
"her ability to work in a policed security area. i",
"tell her that once she takes it to court that",
"this can all be cleared up and we not have to",
"work on it. she wants no part of it anymore.",
"damage has been done and i believe that she",
"over-reacted, as do several of my friends, but",
"the damage is done.",
"i spend the next few months going through the ins",
"and outs of a crushing breakup, losing sleep,",
"being unable to work, loss of appetite, you name",
"it; i was crushed.",
"note: there are a few more details that i can",
"divulge, i am just in the midst of work and had",
"to get this out there and started."
] |
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rather odd and ultimately i didn't believe this of my ties to my uncle in that manner and tries from the site and stripped her of her security
|
0 | 0 | 0.5 | 0 |
this happened when i was 7.
at my parents' home, we had a garden flat which many people rented out over the years. once, there was a mother with her 6yo daughter from the uk, and they lived there for a couple of months. i found the girl, who was very wild even for a 6yo, very interesting and tried to impress her with my own south african style of friendship.
one day we were playing in and around the house, when she started to tease me and say that she will undress. to me at that age, nudity was the ultimate shame, and i didn't believe her. so i dared her, and she undressed piece by piece until she was stark naked. i giggled and took her clothes and ran with it, from pure disbelief that she was so happy about being naked. she also laughed and grabbed her clothes, dressed again, and resumed normal play. my mother was in the kitchen, not knowing about the perverted scene down the hall.
a couple of hours later, her mom came home from an outing. as she was passing my mom, her daughter ran to her saying very loudly: "mommy, he made me undress and took my clothes today!"
i had never been that embarrassed in my life! my mother scolded me but fortunately realised there were no hidden intentions.
|
be wary of wild, foreign girls**
|
playing with a wild little brit
|
[
"this happened when i was 7.",
"at my parents' home, we had a garden flat which",
"many people rented out over the years. once,",
"there was a mother with her 6yo daughter from the",
"uk, and they lived there for a couple of months.",
"i found the girl, who was very wild even for a",
"6yo, very interesting and tried to impress her",
"with my own south african style of friendship.",
"one day we were playing in and around the house,",
"when she started to tease me and say that she",
"will undress. to me at that age, nudity was the",
"ultimate shame, and i didn't believe her. so i",
"dared her, and she undressed piece by piece until",
"she was stark naked. i giggled and took her",
"clothes and ran with it, from pure disbelief that",
"she was so happy about being naked. she also",
"laughed and grabbed her clothes, dressed again,",
"and resumed normal play. my mother was in the",
"kitchen, not knowing about the perverted scene",
"down the hall.",
"a couple of hours later, her mom came home from",
"an outing. as she was passing my mom, her",
"daughter ran to her saying very loudly: \"mommy,",
"he made me undress and took my clothes today!\"",
"i had never been that embarrassed in my life! my",
"mother scolded me but fortunately realised there",
"were no hidden intentions."
] |
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with my own south african style of friendship.
|
9,697 | 545 | 0.9 | 9,697 |
so i have back and neck problems and often will ice my neck with ice packs and such. well last night i couldn't find our ice packs and was too lazy to make my own so i grabbed a frozen bag of peas. i settled into bed with it on my neck.
i fell asleep like that and woke up hours later laying on top of the smashed bag of peas and my bed soaked in pea juice all the way down into the mattress.
|
i pead my bed.
|
peaing the bed
|
[
"so i have back and neck problems and often will",
"ice my neck with ice packs and such. well last",
"night i couldn't find our ice packs and was too",
"lazy to make my own so i grabbed a frozen bag of",
"peas. i settled into bed with it on my neck.",
"i fell asleep like that and woke up hours later",
"laying on top of the smashed bag of peas and my",
"bed soaked in pea juice all the way down into the",
"mattress."
] |
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peas. i settled into bed with it on my neck.
|
5 | 4 | 0.86 | 5 |
happened this morning.
i set two alarms to wake up early for a job trial, with the alarm next to my pillow so id hear it.
i looked at the clock, was about to get up, then suddenly i wake up and look at the clock again 2 hours after i was supposed to start and 3 missed calls from the potential boss. too embarrased to call him back, so back to looking for jobs.
|
fml, i need more alarms.
|
not waking up
|
[
"happened this morning.",
"i set two alarms to wake up early for a job",
"trial, with the alarm next to my pillow so id",
"hear it.",
"i looked at the clock, was about to get up, then",
"suddenly i wake up and look at the clock again 2",
"hours after i was supposed to start and 3 missed",
"calls from the potential boss. too embarrased to",
"call him back, so back to looking for jobs."
] |
[
0,
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i set two alarms to wake up early for a job
|
27 | 11 | 0.88 | 27 |
so, this happened back in senior year of high school, 2008. i met a german exchange student girl and we became good friends. we spent most of our lunch breaks together, i drove her home to her house, and we just got to know each other pretty well. she had a boyfriend and i wasn't quite sure what i wanted, other than friendship.
well, about 1 month before graduation, she calls me up, crying, and says that she just broke up with her boyfriend because of me. she has feelings for me. i'm shocked. i immediately felt my emotions flooding my mind and i went for it. i went to her house and we kissed and everything kind of developed from there.
well, while i was in la la land, i forgot that she'd be going back to germany in a couple of weeks. i had started my first pretty serious relationship with a foreign girl, and we only had a matter of weeks to develop that relationship before it all went south. when she.left, we did the pen-pal thing, and surprisingly it seemed to work. i talked to her every day and she would tell me all about what she did and how much she missed me. it honestly wasnt as bad as i thought.
cut to about 5 months later...i'm hopping on a plane to see her. i've got my arrangements all set in order. i'll be staying 2 weeks at her house, her mom is cool with it, and i'm hoping we can take our relationship a bit further (remember, i'm only 18).
so i get off of the plane, jet lagged and exhausted as can be, and she picks me up. i head back to her house, and after a quick chat i decide to head to bed in her brother's empty room downstairs. (i didnt want to stay in her room the first night and piss off her mom).
then i wake up...
<<bump - bump - bump - bump - bump>>
i woke up the next morning thinking, "what the hell is that noise?"
<<bump - bump - bump - bump - bump>>
"ummm...it wont stop."
<<bump - bump - bump... (faint moaning sounds) then...silence>>
"well that was weird," i think to myself. i decide to get up and get dressed, when all of a sudden i hear footsteps coming. 2 sets of footsteps.
its the girl i'm staying with, and another dude. she introduces me to him and says, "jbgould, this is my boyfriend, steve."
wtf...
the girl i had been chatting with, the same girl who i had kindled this relationship with and come to see...was boning a dude about 10 feet above my head on the first morning there. i had just flown out to germany to see this girl who professed her feelings to me, and now i'm stuck for 2 weeks, with her and her boyfriend??? needless to say, my 18-year-old heart was broken. it was a pretty traumatizing trip, but i eventually got over it and made the most of my bad situation. but, i definitely learned some of the shitty feelings in life as a result.
|
tried to get some schnitzel from an exchange student...instead got my 18 year old heart broken.
|
trying to date a german exchange student
|
[
"so, this happened back in senior year of high",
"school, 2008. i met a german exchange student",
"girl and we became good friends. we spent most of",
"our lunch breaks together, i drove her home to",
"her house, and we just got to know each other",
"pretty well. she had a boyfriend and i wasn't",
"quite sure what i wanted, other than friendship.",
"well, about 1 month before graduation, she calls",
"me up, crying, and says that she just broke up",
"with her boyfriend because of me. she has",
"feelings for me. i'm shocked. i immediately felt",
"my emotions flooding my mind and i went for it. i",
"went to her house and we kissed and everything",
"kind of developed from there.",
"well, while i was in la la land, i forgot that",
"she'd be going back to germany in a couple of",
"weeks. i had started my first pretty serious",
"relationship with a foreign girl, and we only had",
"a matter of weeks to develop that relationship",
"before it all went south. when she.left, we did",
"the pen-pal thing, and surprisingly it seemed to",
"work. i talked to her every day and she would",
"tell me all about what she did and how much she",
"missed me. it honestly wasnt as bad as i thought.",
"cut to about 5 months later...i'm hopping on a",
"plane to see her. i've got my arrangements all",
"set in order. i'll be staying 2 weeks at her",
"house, her mom is cool with it, and i'm hoping we",
"can take our relationship a bit further",
"(remember, i'm only 18).",
"so i get off of the plane, jet lagged and",
"exhausted as can be, and she picks me up. i head",
"back to her house, and after a quick chat i",
"decide to head to bed in her brother's empty room",
"downstairs. (i didnt want to stay in her room the",
"first night and piss off her mom).",
"then i wake up...",
"<<bump - bump - bump - bump - bump>>",
"i woke up the next morning thinking, \"what the",
"hell is that noise?\"",
"<<bump - bump - bump - bump - bump>>",
"\"ummm...it wont stop.\"",
"<<bump - bump - bump... (faint moaning sounds)",
"then...silence>>",
"\"well that was weird,\" i think to myself. i",
"decide to get up and get dressed, when all of a",
"sudden i hear footsteps coming. 2 sets of",
"footsteps.",
"its the girl i'm staying with, and another dude.",
"she introduces me to him and says, \"jbgould, this",
"is my boyfriend, steve.\"",
"wtf...",
"the girl i had been chatting with, the same girl",
"who i had kindled this relationship with and come",
"to see...was boning a dude about 10 feet above my",
"head on the first morning there. i had just flown",
"out to germany to see this girl who professed her",
"feelings to me, and now i'm stuck for 2 weeks,",
"with her and her boyfriend??? needless to say, my",
"18-year-old heart was broken. it was a pretty",
"traumatizing trip, but i eventually got over it",
"and made the most of my bad situation. but, i",
"definitely learned some of the shitty feelings in",
"life as a result."
] |
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plane to see her. i've got my arrangements all decide to get up and get dressed, when all of a 18-year-old heart was broken. it was a pretty
|
2 | 3 | 1 | 2 |
it is finals week, i am sure everyone is feeling a little stressed out. the project is made by a group of five, we all chose separate subjects to write for and i said i would edit it all together. i lied.
the first draft seemed pretty basic. the template for our paper was a little difficult to organize around, but i managed within an hour. everyone involved eventually sent me their work except for one. my only goal was to submit our first draft before midnight of last week as dictated by our professor. the one in our group who never even responded to my emails eventually sent me some bullshit paragraph about an hour after our deadline. i did not care to read it since it was the first draft. copy pasta, format, and off it went.
i caught up with the professor before next class and asked what he thought needed changes. he looked at me for a half second like he tried to remember who i was, then opened his laptop and haphazardly tried to pull up my email submission in front of me. as i expected, he said he did not even look at it yet. i was a little annoyed that i had to play the adult and round up all my peers' work together on time for no reason. he saw my obvious lack of composure and said to come back in two days during his next office hours. fine, whatever. more time for me to work on other stuff.
i see him again at the scheduled time, and he said he only 'skimmed' it. by which he probably meant he looked at it for that half second two days before when i asked and not a moment more. he told me everything looked good, change the title maybe, the usual reach around people give to appear less lazy. i relay the instructions to the rest of my group and tell them the same deadline applies. we all have other work and we needed this one out of the way.
this friday comes along and i have two people give me revised work, one gives me his a little late, and the late one from before never even answered me. fuck it, i can write his part. i copy pasta everything and decide not to submit this under the inherent belief that i should probably read the thing at least once before i send it. so next day i am afk until 8pm and come home to a myriad of emails asking if i sent the paper yet. i am able to stave off my group for the day, and decide to leave it for sunday.
sunday comes and goes, i am busy with other finals work and basically forget about this thing until monday. monday comes and again i get preoccupied with more finals work, basically same thing as sunday. finally the only other one in my group who really knew her shit asked why i was being so uncaring. i give her the short of it, life gets in the way and all that. she tells me to submit it by midnight so we can just be done with it, and i agree.
monday night comes (about 6 hours ago now) and i have this gigantic scientific ieee paper i have to read and edit. getting started i read parts here and there, mostly feeling overwhelmed by the volume of this workload. around midnight i get an email from the dedicated group member asking what the hell, and in a moment of weakness i decide, 'fuck it, he will not really give a shit about the any of this anyway. looks good enough.' and submit the paper half unedited.
easily the biggest mistake of my academic career.
my dedicated group member sends me a reply almost immediately calling me out and asking what the fuck i did. even the stuff she did wrong and told me to fix, i did not fix. a myriad of embarrassment and guilt hit me hard. i look over the work like my life depended on it and start to see awful mistakes, now powered by an adrenaline rush. that one guy who didn't send me a revision of his first paragraph seemed a little too good now that i sat and read it. i copied a sentence into google and found verbatim he fucking plagiarized the whole thing.
jesus christ wtf i just submitted plagiarized work as my final paper.
yeah. i fucked up pretty bad. trying to figure out how to fix this.
|
i didn't do my job, and may fail my ass out of college.
|
submitting the unedited final paper
|
[
"it is finals week, i am sure everyone is feeling a",
"little stressed out. the project is made by a",
"group of five, we all chose separate subjects to",
"write for and i said i would edit it all",
"together. i lied.",
"the first draft seemed pretty basic. the",
"template for our paper was a little difficult to",
"organize around, but i managed within an hour.",
"everyone involved eventually sent me their work",
"except for one. my only goal was to submit our",
"first draft before midnight of last week as",
"dictated by our professor. the one in our group",
"who never even responded to my emails eventually",
"sent me some bullshit paragraph about an hour",
"after our deadline. i did not care to read it",
"since it was the first draft. copy pasta,",
"format, and off it went.",
"i caught up with the professor before next class",
"and asked what he thought needed changes. he",
"looked at me for a half second like he tried to",
"remember who i was, then opened his laptop and",
"haphazardly tried to pull up my email submission",
"in front of me. as i expected, he said he did",
"not even look at it yet. i was a little annoyed",
"that i had to play the adult and round up all my",
"peers' work together on time for no reason. he",
"saw my obvious lack of composure and said to come",
"back in two days during his next office hours.",
"fine, whatever. more time for me to work on",
"other stuff.",
"i see him again at the scheduled time, and he",
"said he only 'skimmed' it. by which he probably",
"meant he looked at it for that half second two",
"days before when i asked and not a moment more.",
"he told me everything looked good, change the",
"title maybe, the usual reach around people give",
"to appear less lazy. i relay the instructions to",
"the rest of my group and tell them the same",
"deadline applies. we all have other work and we",
"needed this one out of the way.",
"this friday comes along and i have two people",
"give me revised work, one gives me his a little",
"late, and the late one from before never even",
"answered me. fuck it, i can write his part. i",
"copy pasta everything and decide not to submit",
"this under the inherent belief that i should",
"probably read the thing at least once before i",
"send it. so next day i am afk until 8pm and come",
"home to a myriad of emails asking if i sent the",
"paper yet. i am able to stave off my group for",
"the day, and decide to leave it for sunday.",
"sunday comes and goes, i am busy with other",
"finals work and basically forget about this thing",
"until monday. monday comes and again i get",
"preoccupied with more finals work, basically same",
"thing as sunday. finally the only other one in",
"my group who really knew her shit asked why i was",
"being so uncaring. i give her the short of it,",
"life gets in the way and all that. she tells me",
"to submit it by midnight so we can just be done",
"with it, and i agree.",
"monday night comes (about 6 hours ago now) and i",
"have this gigantic scientific ieee paper i have",
"to read and edit. getting started i read parts",
"here and there, mostly feeling overwhelmed by the",
"volume of this workload. around midnight i get",
"an email from the dedicated group member asking",
"what the hell, and in a moment of weakness i",
"decide, 'fuck it, he will not really give a shit",
"about the any of this anyway. looks good",
"enough.' and submit the paper half unedited.",
"easily the biggest mistake of my academic career.",
"my dedicated group member sends me a reply almost",
"immediately calling me out and asking what the",
"fuck i did. even the stuff she did wrong and",
"told me to fix, i did not fix. a myriad of",
"embarrassment and guilt hit me hard. i look over",
"the work like my life depended on it and start to",
"see awful mistakes, now powered by an adrenaline",
"rush. that one guy who didn't send me a revision",
"of his first paragraph seemed a little too good",
"now that i sat and read it. i copied a sentence",
"into google and found verbatim he fucking",
"plagiarized the whole thing.",
"jesus christ wtf i just submitted plagiarized",
"work as my final paper.",
"yeah. i fucked up pretty bad. trying to figure",
"out how to fix this."
] |
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needed this one out of the way. with it, and i agree.
|
0 | 3 | 0.55 | 0 |
so obligatory this happened not today, but a few months back during thanksgiving break.
so to clarify, i'm a freshman in high school. i get pretty good grades and i play quite a bit of soccer, in which i've met a lot of friends playing the sport. so i'm doing a-okay so far socially with friends, but i'm definitely not a trouble maker. i like to have fun, but not at the expense of someone else.
so anyway, me and a few of my friends wanted to get together to hang out and have the most awesometacular all-nighter/lan-party. we all come over to my house and setup in my garage. so it's and four of my friends, who we'll call kevin, john, riley, and carl. kevin and i are freshmen while john, riley, and carl are sophomores. we all play soccer and love playing lol. so anyway, they come over to hang out, we play some lol, eat some pizza, play some fifa, play some ping pong, play some poker and play some monopoly. so we're hanging out, in my near-soundproof garage listening to music and it's about 3:30 in the morning. aside from the small amount of ping pong we played, we've been sitting for like 7 hours straight, and our feet are killing us. so we talk about how we should go outside and jump on my trampoline, but of course, john comes up with the better idea to take a small walk around the neighborhood. carl and riley are totally on-board, so me and kevin are just like screw it, let's go. note: kevin has never snuck out before in his life, so he's on edge just walking, i've gone out once before with john, riley, and carl where we just wandered the neighborhood walking through construction areas out of boredom. without me though, john, and especially riley and carl have snuck out during the night more times than they could count. they're basically regulars. anyway, our plan is just to literally walk a circle around part of my neighborhood to get our feet moving and get some fresh air. alas, about 10 minutes into our walk (about halfway), john recommends we ding dong ditch someone's house. as carl and riley are instantly on bored, kevin is shaking from anxiety and is completely against the idea. i was kinda in the middle, so i just decided, hey its basically 3v1. let's hit a house, then go home. my plan to form a compromise between the two conflicting parties did not go as planned. after hitting the first house, twice, at nearly 4 in the goddamn morning, we decide to hit another house, hoping for a reaction. we hit a 2nd and 3rd house about 5 to 6 times, each, simultaneously, hoping for a reaction. we got nothing. kevin's wish to just go home and the three sophomores' wish to get a reaction were obviously contradictory. we decide to hit only 1 more house, and if don't get a reaction after a couple tries, we head home. keep in mind, each time we've ding dong ditched someone's house, we are taking turns on who rings the doorbell. kevin hadn't gone at all, and i've only gone twice. so john hits the house, and we all run to our little hiding place behind a bush across the street. in the window, we see a light turn and the shadow of a woman's head walking by. while john, riley, and carl were ecstatic, kevin was nearly losing his shit. so we wait about 5 minutes, i get kevin to calm down, and we come up with a pretty elaborate escape plan, which consisted of us running away from the house. the perfect getaway. as we go up a second time, carl hits the doorbell this time, and we all run back to our hiding spot with kevin waiting for us there. we wait for about 7 to 8 minutes, and whoopity doo, it's my turn to ring the bell. i'm not gonna pussy out of it, but seriously wish i would have. i walk up to the door ever so slowly. this ladys door is on a porch that has about 9 steps you have to walk up to get to the door. kevin is at the bush, and john, riley, and carl are waiting on the bottom of the porch. did i mention that the ground was slick on the road due to it being 4:15 in the morning on a pretty cold night? i'm standing up, finger on the button, ready to sprint, i know the plan. i ring the bell. they recommended 20 times, i said i'd hit it about 4 times. i wish i would've chosen less, because right when i rung that doorbell, the door opened.
my mind went into oh shit mode, i ran off that deck in 3 mighty steps and still managed to stay on my feet. i know whoever opened the door sees me, so i run away from the house, instead of to the hiding spot. i'm trailing my friends as we run down the street. after getting onto the street, i slipped. one foot fell under the other and i did a pretty badass somersault, i must say. as i'm getting back up, i hear running footsteps, but not from in front of me. i don't think i've ever felt so much adrenaline in my body. i get up and keep running. i get about 50 more feet. and then wham, i hit the ground. i got full-on tackled on the street, at 4:20 (teehee) at night. what i now know to be the most in shape 30 year old i've met in a long time, picks me up and starts to yank me back to his house. being the most scared person i've ever been, instinct kicks in, and scream for help at the top of my lungs for my friends. after screaming bloody murder in my neighborhood and trying to get this guy to stop stretching out my sweatshirt and let me go, i hear john scream to let me go. he stops dragging me and with a death grip to my sweatshirt, calls out to my associates to come out from hiding. my friends walk from behind trash bins to us in the middle of the street. i see john, riley, carl, but no kevin. what ever happened to no man left behind kev. this guy starts cussing out, mad that we woke his wife. his wife had already the called the police and another neighbor did too, probably after hearing me scream for my life. after a few minutes of my friends arguing, he brings us to his porch where he gets our names and numbers. this entire time i've been shaking, doing my best to focus on my breathing, i haven't said a word for the past few minutes. right when he's done, two squad cars show up and he finally let's go of his death grip. my reaction was one similar to one of someone's who's handcuffs were finally removed. the neighbors go inside their house, and now it's the four of us with cops. these 2 guys were actually really nice, they were just happy they had something to do on their night shift. they tell us to each call our parents to come pick us up. so i call my mom who's sound asleep and won't pick up her phone. since she's literally 2 blocks away. i suggest that we could go up there and could wake her up to talk to you guys. forced to ditch my friends, one of the cops takes me up the street to my house where i go in to wake up my mom. she does her hair real quick, and she comes and talks to the cop, he explains the situation and i guess it's a lesson learned; she was able to vouch for me pretty well. he leaves and i subconsciously award my mom best mother of the fricken millineum. i'm still a little bit in a oh shit mode. i hug my mom, and apologize profusely. then it clicks: wheres kevin. i check the garage, and oh thank god he was there. over the next 45 minutes, we explain the situation to kevin, my mom cleans up my knee which apparently got pretty beaten up after getting tackled (i still have small scars), and i apologize more sincerely than i ever have to the parents of my friends who came back to pick up their stuff to go home. kevin was still scared out of his mind and couldn' sleep, while in the on the other hand, i am exhausted due to the adrenaline rush. we get a couple hours of sleep, kevins mom picks him up in the morning, and we all lived happily ever after. later that monday, when i saw all my friends again we basically kinda all knew that this was going to the grave with us. except of course, it's on reddit now, thanks to yours truly.
|
almost got put in the slamma after being slammed, but my friends are semper fidelis in their acts of stupidity
|
wanting to stretch my legs
|
[
"so obligatory this happened not today, but a few",
"months back during thanksgiving break.",
"so to clarify, i'm a freshman in high school. i",
"get pretty good grades and i play quite a bit of",
"soccer, in which i've met a lot of friends",
"playing the sport. so i'm doing a-okay so far",
"socially with friends, but i'm definitely not a",
"trouble maker. i like to have fun, but not at the",
"expense of someone else.",
"so anyway, me and a few of my friends wanted to",
"get together to hang out and have the most",
"awesometacular all-nighter/lan-party. we all come",
"over to my house and setup in my garage. so it's",
"and four of my friends, who we'll call kevin,",
"john, riley, and carl. kevin and i are freshmen",
"while john, riley, and carl are sophomores. we",
"all play soccer and love playing lol. so anyway,",
"they come over to hang out, we play some lol, eat",
"some pizza, play some fifa, play some ping pong,",
"play some poker and play some monopoly. so we're",
"hanging out, in my near-soundproof garage",
"listening to music and it's about 3:30 in the",
"morning. aside from the small amount of ping pong",
"we played, we've been sitting for like 7 hours",
"straight, and our feet are killing us. so we talk",
"about how we should go outside and jump on my",
"trampoline, but of course, john comes up with the",
"better idea to take a small walk around the",
"neighborhood. carl and riley are totally",
"on-board, so me and kevin are just like screw it,",
"let's go. note: kevin has never snuck out before",
"in his life, so he's on edge just walking, i've",
"gone out once before with john, riley, and carl",
"where we just wandered the neighborhood walking",
"through construction areas out of boredom.",
"without me though, john, and especially riley and",
"carl have snuck out during the night more times",
"than they could count. they're basically",
"regulars. anyway, our plan is just to literally",
"walk a circle around part of my neighborhood to",
"get our feet moving and get some fresh air. alas,",
"about 10 minutes into our walk (about halfway),",
"john recommends we ding dong ditch someone's",
"house. as carl and riley are instantly on bored,",
"kevin is shaking from anxiety and is completely",
"against the idea. i was kinda in the middle, so i",
"just decided, hey its basically 3v1. let's hit a",
"house, then go home. my plan to form a compromise",
"between the two conflicting parties did not go as",
"planned. after hitting the first house, twice, at",
"nearly 4 in the goddamn morning, we decide to hit",
"another house, hoping for a reaction. we hit a",
"2nd and 3rd house about 5 to 6 times, each,",
"simultaneously, hoping for a reaction. we got",
"nothing. kevin's wish to just go home and the",
"three sophomores' wish to get a reaction were",
"obviously contradictory. we decide to hit only 1",
"more house, and if don't get a reaction after a",
"couple tries, we head home. keep in mind, each",
"time we've ding dong ditched someone's house, we",
"are taking turns on who rings the doorbell. kevin",
"hadn't gone at all, and i've only gone twice. so",
"john hits the house, and we all run to our little",
"hiding place behind a bush across the street. in",
"the window, we see a light turn and the shadow of",
"a woman's head walking by. while john, riley, and",
"carl were ecstatic, kevin was nearly losing his",
"shit. so we wait about 5 minutes, i get kevin to",
"calm down, and we come up with a pretty elaborate",
"escape plan, which consisted of us running away",
"from the house. the perfect getaway. as we go up",
"a second time, carl hits the doorbell this time,",
"and we all run back to our hiding spot with kevin",
"waiting for us there. we wait for about 7 to 8",
"minutes, and whoopity doo, it's my turn to ring",
"the bell. i'm not gonna pussy out of it, but",
"seriously wish i would have. i walk up to the",
"door ever so slowly. this ladys door is on a",
"porch that has about 9 steps you have to walk up",
"to get to the door. kevin is at the bush, and",
"john, riley, and carl are waiting on the bottom",
"of the porch. did i mention that the ground was",
"slick on the road due to it being 4:15 in the",
"morning on a pretty cold night? i'm standing up,",
"finger on the button, ready to sprint, i know the",
"plan. i ring the bell. they recommended 20 times,",
"i said i'd hit it about 4 times. i wish i",
"would've chosen less, because right when i rung",
"that doorbell, the door opened.",
"my mind went into oh shit mode, i ran off that",
"deck in 3 mighty steps and still managed to stay",
"on my feet. i know whoever opened the door sees",
"me, so i run away from the house, instead of to",
"the hiding spot. i'm trailing my friends as we",
"run down the street. after getting onto the",
"street, i slipped. one foot fell under the other",
"and i did a pretty badass somersault, i must say.",
"as i'm getting back up, i hear running footsteps,",
"but not from in front of me. i don't think i've",
"ever felt so much adrenaline in my body. i get up",
"and keep running. i get about 50 more feet. and",
"then wham, i hit the ground. i got full-on",
"tackled on the street, at 4:20 (teehee) at night.",
"what i now know to be the most in shape 30 year",
"old i've met in a long time, picks me up and",
"starts to yank me back to his house. being the",
"most scared person i've ever been, instinct kicks",
"in, and scream for help at the top of my lungs",
"for my friends. after screaming bloody murder in",
"my neighborhood and trying to get this guy to",
"stop stretching out my sweatshirt and let me go,",
"i hear john scream to let me go. he stops",
"dragging me and with a death grip to my",
"sweatshirt, calls out to my associates to come",
"out from hiding. my friends walk from behind",
"trash bins to us in the middle of the street. i",
"see john, riley, carl, but no kevin. what ever",
"happened to no man left behind kev. this guy",
"starts cussing out, mad that we woke his wife.",
"his wife had already the called the police and",
"another neighbor did too, probably after hearing",
"me scream for my life. after a few minutes of my",
"friends arguing, he brings us to his porch where",
"he gets our names and numbers. this entire time",
"i've been shaking, doing my best to focus on my",
"breathing, i haven't said a word for the past few",
"minutes. right when he's done, two squad cars",
"show up and he finally let's go of his death",
"grip. my reaction was one similar to one of",
"someone's who's handcuffs were finally removed.",
"the neighbors go inside their house, and now it's",
"the four of us with cops. these 2 guys were",
"actually really nice, they were just happy they",
"had something to do on their night shift. they",
"tell us to each call our parents to come pick us",
"up. so i call my mom who's sound asleep and won't",
"pick up her phone. since she's literally 2 blocks",
"away. i suggest that we could go up there and",
"could wake her up to talk to you guys. forced to",
"ditch my friends, one of the cops takes me up the",
"street to my house where i go in to wake up my",
"mom. she does her hair real quick, and she comes",
"and talks to the cop, he explains the situation",
"and i guess it's a lesson learned; she was able",
"to vouch for me pretty well. he leaves and i",
"subconsciously award my mom best mother of the",
"fricken millineum. i'm still a little bit in a oh",
"shit mode. i hug my mom, and apologize profusely.",
"then it clicks: wheres kevin. i check the garage,",
"and oh thank god he was there. over the next 45",
"minutes, we explain the situation to kevin, my",
"mom cleans up my knee which apparently got pretty",
"beaten up after getting tackled (i still have",
"small scars), and i apologize more sincerely than",
"i ever have to the parents of my friends who came",
"back to pick up their stuff to go home. kevin was",
"still scared out of his mind and couldn' sleep,",
"while in the on the other hand, i am exhausted",
"due to the adrenaline rush. we get a couple hours",
"of sleep, kevins mom picks him up in the morning,",
"and we all lived happily ever after. later that",
"monday, when i saw all my friends again we",
"basically kinda all knew that this was going to",
"the grave with us. except of course, it's on",
"reddit now, thanks to yours truly."
] |
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trampoline, but of course, john comes up with the slick on the road due to it being 4:15 in the for my friends. after screaming bloody murder in
|
0 | 9 | 0.17 | 0 |
this one requires the obligatory 'this didn't happen today'. it all started a year ago.
so i was a freshman last year, and was really happy with where i was. i had played football team (which went undefeated), gotten fit because of it, had amazing friends, and just a fun time in high school. but during that time, i started talking more with a girl who i was acquainted with in 8th grade. we'll call her ashley. so, we were both in the same algebra class for freshman year, and talked about a lot of random stuff and had good laughs with our friends. later on during the semester, me and her were a bit more playful with each other and started staring into each other more? something like that. anyways, when the semester ends, things went on as normal. we became more friends, and i started becoming better friends with her friends.
but here's where the fu happens.
sometime during the second semester (febuary-march) i received a text from her friend asking me,**'if you could date ashley, would you'**. at the time i was having an internal debate of either to go after my crush at the time (we'll call her brittany), or try and go for ashley. me being completely naive chose the former, and even sent the friend a message saying,**'i would, but i have a crush on another girl'**. looking back on it now, i kick myself for not realizing it.
but the obliviousness kept getting worse on my end.
when school was out over the summer, she started inviting me to do more things with her and some friends of hers. i agreed each time. it was a blast, and i enjoyed being with her and her friends. i actually had a pretty decent summer because of her.
then school came back.
oh man, oh man, did i screw up here. after the first couple months of school i'm invited by ashley to go to a horror place that she had an extra ticket for. so me, ashley, and her other friend (we'll call him blake), go to the place, and we have a fast pass for it (thank god too, because the for it was longer than it was for the release of *age of ultron*). so when we go in it's 'spooky' and stuff, and we go through it pretty unscathed. along the way we go into another section of the place which is zombie themed. ashley grabs my arm for some reason (she's into the whole zombie thing and *walking dead*) and her friend makes a comment on it. for a second i think *woah, whats she doing* she ends up letting go after that, and we go through the rest of the place w/o much of a scare. about a month later, i go on a walk thinking about how i can get a girlfriend. on that walk was when i realized that i fucked up majorly, because i had remembered the text that her friend had sent me. my mind just sent me an **oh shit...** message.
so the next week i got the balls to go and ask her out, she said yes and i was ecstatic. first relationship, good job me. but here's where the second fu comes in, the very first thing i do, is go onto facebook and announce our relationship as 'official'. at the time i didn't care because i was so happy. but then i started thinking more about it and was beginning to think it wasn't the smartest thing to do. the day after that i asked her if i could make her my wcw because i'm a filthy like-whore. she originally said yes, but then flipped it back to no. i was perfectly fine with it, i didn't want to ask her to send me a pic either, because that would just add to me going way too fast. finally, it ended thanksgiving morning, with her texting me, saying that she didn't personally feel ready to date yet. i was sad, but somewhat relieved, due to the fact i didn't have a license, or the money to take her out on my own. so i told her that if she ever changes her mind, that i'll be there.
(she did change her mind, but i won't post that story unless you guys want me to)
|
didn't see obvious signs, realize them a year later, ask her out, she says yes, i go wayyyyy too fast, and she felt like she wasn't ready to date.
|
not realizing the signs and going too fast.
|
[
"this one requires the obligatory 'this didn't",
"happen today'. it all started a year ago.",
"so i was a freshman last year, and was really",
"happy with where i was. i had played football",
"team (which went undefeated), gotten fit because",
"of it, had amazing friends, and just a fun time",
"in high school. but during that time, i started",
"talking more with a girl who i was acquainted",
"with in 8th grade. we'll call her ashley. so, we",
"were both in the same algebra class for freshman",
"year, and talked about a lot of random stuff and",
"had good laughs with our friends. later on during",
"the semester, me and her were a bit more playful",
"with each other and started staring into each",
"other more? something like that. anyways, when",
"the semester ends, things went on as normal. we",
"became more friends, and i started becoming",
"better friends with her friends.",
"but here's where the fu happens.",
"sometime during the second semester",
"(febuary-march) i received a text from her friend",
"asking me,**'if you could date ashley, would",
"you'**. at the time i was having an internal",
"debate of either to go after my crush at the time",
"(we'll call her brittany), or try and go for",
"ashley. me being completely naive chose the",
"former, and even sent the friend a message",
"saying,**'i would, but i have a crush on another",
"girl'**. looking back on it now, i kick myself",
"for not realizing it.",
"but the obliviousness kept getting worse on my",
"end.",
"when school was out over the summer, she started",
"inviting me to do more things with her and some",
"friends of hers. i agreed each time. it was a",
"blast, and i enjoyed being with her and her",
"friends. i actually had a pretty decent summer",
"because of her.",
"then school came back.",
"oh man, oh man, did i screw up here. after the",
"first couple months of school i'm invited by",
"ashley to go to a horror place that she had an",
"extra ticket for. so me, ashley, and her other",
"friend (we'll call him blake), go to the place,",
"and we have a fast pass for it (thank god too,",
"because the for it was longer than it was for the",
"release of *age of ultron*). so when we go in",
"it's 'spooky' and stuff, and we go through it",
"pretty unscathed. along the way we go into",
"another section of the place which is zombie",
"themed. ashley grabs my arm for some reason",
"(she's into the whole zombie thing and *walking",
"dead*) and her friend makes a comment on it. for",
"a second i think *woah, whats she doing* she ends",
"up letting go after that, and we go through the",
"rest of the place w/o much of a scare. about a",
"month later, i go on a walk thinking about how i",
"can get a girlfriend. on that walk was when i",
"realized that i fucked up majorly, because i had",
"remembered the text that her friend had sent me.",
"my mind just sent me an **oh shit...** message.",
"so the next week i got the balls to go and ask",
"her out, she said yes and i was ecstatic. first",
"relationship, good job me. but here's where the",
"second fu comes in, the very first thing i do, is",
"go onto facebook and announce our relationship as",
"'official'. at the time i didn't care because i",
"was so happy. but then i started thinking more",
"about it and was beginning to think it wasn't the",
"smartest thing to do. the day after that i asked",
"her if i could make her my wcw because i'm a",
"filthy like-whore. she originally said yes, but",
"then flipped it back to no. i was perfectly fine",
"with it, i didn't want to ask her to send me a",
"pic either, because that would just add to me",
"going way too fast. finally, it ended",
"thanksgiving morning, with her texting me, saying",
"that she didn't personally feel ready to date",
"yet. i was sad, but somewhat relieved, due to the",
"fact i didn't have a license, or the money to",
"take her out on my own. so i told her that if she",
"ever changes her mind, that i'll be there.",
"(she did change her mind, but i won't post that",
"story unless you guys want me to)"
] |
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month later, i go on a walk thinking about how i her out, she said yes and i was ecstatic. first going way too fast. finally, it ended that she didn't personally feel ready to date
|
10 | 12 | 0.7 | 10 |
yesterday i had to cut my grass for the first time this year because it was getting pretty bad. all i have here is an electric weed eater which is why i put it off for so long. whats worse is the extension cord i have for it is only about 20 feet which means i have to unplug it and put it in another section of the house and hang it out the window.
so i get to the last little part of the yard and my only option to plug it in is to unplug my deep freezer, no big deal, its only going to take about 10 minutes to do the lawn, my meat will be fine!
flash forward tonight, i open the freezer to get something out for dinner tomorrow, and realize that not only did i forget to plug it back in, but **everything** has thawed out.
now here i sit, 2am baking 10lbs of chicken legs, making a huge pot of chicken noodle soup with 5lbs of chicken thighs and 7lbs of bbq ribs in the crock pot.
|
forgot to plug my deep freezer back in, and now i am cooking 20+lbs of meat at 2 in the morning.
|
cutting the grass.
|
[
"yesterday i had to cut my grass for the first time",
"this year because it was getting pretty bad. all",
"i have here is an electric weed eater which is",
"why i put it off for so long. whats worse is the",
"extension cord i have for it is only about 20",
"feet which means i have to unplug it and put it",
"in another section of the house and hang it out",
"the window.",
"so i get to the last little part of the yard and",
"my only option to plug it in is to unplug my deep",
"freezer, no big deal, its only going to take",
"about 10 minutes to do the lawn, my meat will be",
"fine!",
"flash forward tonight, i open the freezer to get",
"something out for dinner tomorrow, and realize",
"that not only did i forget to plug it back in,",
"but **everything** has thawed out.",
"now here i sit, 2am baking 10lbs of chicken legs,",
"making a huge pot of chicken noodle soup with",
"5lbs of chicken thighs and 7lbs of bbq ribs in",
"the crock pot."
] |
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so i get to the last little part of the yard and my only option to plug it in is to unplug my deep
|
0 | 7 | 0.48 | 0 |
alright so this is the first time i've posted anything here but i felt like this just had to be said.
it was actually about a month ago now but i still have issues from the concussion i got...
it started at the boyfriend's house. we got in a little fight (idk about what anymore, but we don't really fight so we both felt super bad) and i wanted to try cheer him up... he likes bmx riding (read: i can't ride bikes for shit, i grew up with back brakes... thanks mum)
we took his bmx bike and his sisters out the front of his house on the road and were fucking around riding and things were getting better (mostly because he's a terrible person and enjoyed laughing at me not being able to do things)
fast forward like an hour, bikes away and we go into his room, i'm still wearing the helmet his sister gave me cause she was scared i'd hurt myself... by this stage i'm very proud of myself for fixing the sad fighting mood and proceed to make jokes about being in his room alone with him and already wearing protection (the helmet). he laughs, i laugh, he throws a pillow at me (wtf?) i laugh and point at the helmet and yell out something goofy in a dumb voice like "protection!!!"
it becomes hilarious for no apparent reason and it becomes a repetitive thing i for some reason encourage... next thing i know he swings the pillow straight down, full force (he's done boxing for years.) and the pillow connects with the helmet, that was loose and swung down, hitting my glasses and causing everything to push into my head at the top of my nose (like dead between the eyes...) and i recoiled back to the ground... from there i started giggling and crying uncontrollably and light and sound was sensitive and i couldn't remember short term things, i ended up getting almost every symptom of concussion other than passing out... boyfriend did feel kinda bad about it. i went to the docs like a week later and he said i could have the sensitivity for up to a month... fast forward to now... my phone screen still looks blue and i keep thinking people are shouting at me...
possibly the worst bit, straight after i got whacked by a fucking pillow and end up concussed i giggle and go "prooootection!"
|
i got a concussion from a pillow... while wearing a helmet
|
getting concussion from a pillow
|
[
"alright so this is the first time i've posted",
"anything here but i felt like this just had to be",
"said.",
"it was actually about a month ago now but i still",
"have issues from the concussion i got...",
"it started at the boyfriend's house. we got in a",
"little fight (idk about what anymore, but we",
"don't really fight so we both felt super bad) and",
"i wanted to try cheer him up... he likes bmx",
"riding (read: i can't ride bikes for shit, i grew",
"up with back brakes... thanks mum)",
"we took his bmx bike and his sisters out the",
"front of his house on the road and were fucking",
"around riding and things were getting better",
"(mostly because he's a terrible person and",
"enjoyed laughing at me not being able to do",
"things)",
"fast forward like an hour, bikes away and we go",
"into his room, i'm still wearing the helmet his",
"sister gave me cause she was scared i'd hurt",
"myself... by this stage i'm very proud of myself",
"for fixing the sad fighting mood and proceed to",
"make jokes about being in his room alone with him",
"and already wearing protection (the helmet). he",
"laughs, i laugh, he throws a pillow at me (wtf?)",
"i laugh and point at the helmet and yell out",
"something goofy in a dumb voice like",
"\"protection!!!\"",
"it becomes hilarious for no apparent reason and",
"it becomes a repetitive thing i for some reason",
"encourage... next thing i know he swings the",
"pillow straight down, full force (he's done",
"boxing for years.) and the pillow connects with",
"the helmet, that was loose and swung down,",
"hitting my glasses and causing everything to push",
"into my head at the top of my nose (like dead",
"between the eyes...) and i recoiled back to the",
"ground... from there i started giggling and",
"crying uncontrollably and light and sound was",
"sensitive and i couldn't remember short term",
"things, i ended up getting almost every symptom",
"of concussion other than passing out... boyfriend",
"did feel kinda bad about it. i went to the docs",
"like a week later and he said i could have the",
"sensitivity for up to a month... fast forward to",
"now... my phone screen still looks blue and i",
"keep thinking people are shouting at me...",
"possibly the worst bit, straight after i got",
"whacked by a fucking pillow and end up concussed",
"i giggle and go \"prooootection!\""
] |
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have issues from the concussion i got... laughs, i laugh, he throws a pillow at me (wtf?)
|
6 | 4 | 1 | 6 |
i was with my friends in our gym today and i saw a kid playing basketball and i thought we would have a 1 on 1 game so i playfully steal the ball from him and shuffle around a little, but he is just standing there motionless, when a lady walks over and grabs him looking at me very offended. turns out he was a special education kid at our school. i turn around to see my friends crying with laughter.
|
i am a fucking dumbass, but okay at basketball.
|
stealing a kids b-ball
|
[
"i was with my friends in our gym today and i saw a",
"kid playing basketball and i thought we would",
"have a 1 on 1 game so i playfully steal the ball",
"from him and shuffle around a little, but he is",
"just standing there motionless, when a lady walks",
"over and grabs him looking at me very offended.",
"turns out he was a special education kid at our",
"school. i turn around to see my friends crying",
"with laughter."
] |
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kid playing basketball and i thought we would
|
5 | 14 | 0.71 | 5 |
ok this didn't happen today, but about a year ago. it was a saturday night and my roommates and i didn't have any plans so i decided to call it an early night. me and my roommates are all very friendly so we basically have an open door policy for the apartment where people are always coming over usually without any notice. about an hour after i went to sleep a few people came over, but i being in my warm comfortable bed couldn't be bothered to come out. they then decide to bang on my door/wall for 10 minutes until i finally give in and come out of my room looking like a total scrub: hair not cut in a couple of months, not having shaved in a few weeks, old soccer shorts, old glasses because i ran out of contacts, and a faded one love bob marley tee, not to mention the still half asleep look on my face. apparently word got out that we were having a get together in our apartment which led to more people coming over after about 15 minutes. in the group of people who had arrived after 15 minutes there was this gorgeous girl, lets call her k. now k is probably about a 9/10, beautiful wavy black hair, nice face, amazing eyes, and a perfect body. on top of her looks she is also really nice, i've never heard her say a bad word about anyone.
now as i see this incredible girl walk in i thought i had already fu by being the scrubbiest dude in the room, so in my mind i have no hope what so ever. after shooting the shit with everyone in the room she comes and sits down on the same couch as me(it was the only seat left in the room)i have seen her around before but never had the chance to have a conversation with her. this leads her to ask me if i hate/dislike her because i've never talked to her before, i explain that every time i previously saw her she was talking to someone so i didn't want to butt in. she responds with an "oh okay" and a smile which almost brought me off the couch and onto my knees(no shame). later me and my friend are in the kitchen talking about fifa and she walks over and says she's real good at fifa because she used to play with her fifa addicted ex all the time. k then asks if i wanted to play, having nothing better to do i agreed. she then says lets make this game more interesting, if she wins i have to come over and clean her apartment, i ask her what do i get if i win. (stupid moment #1) she grabs my hand, puts it on her left boob and says anything you want. in my defense, 1.)my hand was in more of a knocking on a door fist than full boob grabbing open palm, and 2.) i figured she was putting my hand over her heart so as to make a solid promise. me trying not to look like a creep chose some stupid reward if i was to win, i did end up winning by a very large margin at this point any normal male would have thought "that was way too easy, she said i could have anything, maybe she was trying to insinuate something" nope not me, i thought maybe she had just overestimated her fifa ability. (stupid moment #2) it was a couple of hours later and there were only about 7 people left including my roommates, at this point the night was close to done so everyone was like hey lets toke. being the expert blunt roller i go to my room and start the process, k then comes in about 30 seconds later and sits on my bed and we talk about random bs for about 5 minutes. as i was almost finished she lays down on my bed and says nothing just staring at me for about a minute, being the jackass i am i thought nothing of it more than she was tired and needed to lay down so i left the room and sparked the bleezy. (stupid moment #3) ok this one wasn't really my fault k says she is tired and asks if i can give her a ride to her apartment, i agree but my roommate says he'll do it since he wanted to get something from taco bell anyways. meh ok so i said bye, gave her a hug, and that was that. i went back to bed, closed my eyes and after going through all the events of the night in my head i instantly pieced everything together, opened my eyes, and facepalmed the hardest facepalm ever. she graduated a few days later and moved across the country for med school...i have come to the conclusion that i really hate myself sometimes.
|
9/10 chick repeatedly hits on me and i basically cockblock myself multiple times by over thinking the situation
|
being a stupidly oblivious guy
|
[
"ok this didn't happen today, but about a year ago.",
"it was a saturday night and my roommates and i",
"didn't have any plans so i decided to call it an",
"early night. me and my roommates are all very",
"friendly so we basically have an open door policy",
"for the apartment where people are always coming",
"over usually without any notice. about an hour",
"after i went to sleep a few people came over, but",
"i being in my warm comfortable bed couldn't be",
"bothered to come out. they then decide to bang on",
"my door/wall for 10 minutes until i finally give",
"in and come out of my room looking like a total",
"scrub: hair not cut in a couple of months, not",
"having shaved in a few weeks, old soccer shorts,",
"old glasses because i ran out of contacts, and a",
"faded one love bob marley tee, not to mention the",
"still half asleep look on my face. apparently",
"word got out that we were having a get together",
"in our apartment which led to more people coming",
"over after about 15 minutes. in the group of",
"people who had arrived after 15 minutes there was",
"this gorgeous girl, lets call her k. now k is",
"probably about a 9/10, beautiful wavy black hair,",
"nice face, amazing eyes, and a perfect body. on",
"top of her looks she is also really nice, i've",
"never heard her say a bad word about anyone.",
"now as i see this incredible girl walk in i",
"thought i had already fu by being the scrubbiest",
"dude in the room, so in my mind i have no hope",
"what so ever. after shooting the shit with",
"everyone in the room she comes and sits down on",
"the same couch as me(it was the only seat left in",
"the room)i have seen her around before but never",
"had the chance to have a conversation with her.",
"this leads her to ask me if i hate/dislike her",
"because i've never talked to her before, i",
"explain that every time i previously saw her she",
"was talking to someone so i didn't want to butt",
"in. she responds with an \"oh okay\" and a smile",
"which almost brought me off the couch and onto my",
"knees(no shame). later me and my friend are in",
"the kitchen talking about fifa and she walks over",
"and says she's real good at fifa because she used",
"to play with her fifa addicted ex all the time. k",
"then asks if i wanted to play, having nothing",
"better to do i agreed. she then says lets make",
"this game more interesting, if she wins i have to",
"come over and clean her apartment, i ask her what",
"do i get if i win. (stupid moment #1) she grabs",
"my hand, puts it on her left boob and says",
"anything you want. in my defense, 1.)my hand was",
"in more of a knocking on a door fist than full",
"boob grabbing open palm, and 2.) i figured she",
"was putting my hand over her heart so as to make",
"a solid promise. me trying not to look like a",
"creep chose some stupid reward if i was to win, i",
"did end up winning by a very large margin at this",
"point any normal male would have thought \"that",
"was way too easy, she said i could have anything,",
"maybe she was trying to insinuate something\" nope",
"not me, i thought maybe she had just",
"overestimated her fifa ability. (stupid moment",
"#2) it was a couple of hours later and there were",
"only about 7 people left including my roommates,",
"at this point the night was close to done so",
"everyone was like hey lets toke. being the expert",
"blunt roller i go to my room and start the",
"process, k then comes in about 30 seconds later",
"and sits on my bed and we talk about random bs",
"for about 5 minutes. as i was almost finished she",
"lays down on my bed and says nothing just staring",
"at me for about a minute, being the jackass i am",
"i thought nothing of it more than she was tired",
"and needed to lay down so i left the room and",
"sparked the bleezy. (stupid moment #3) ok this",
"one wasn't really my fault k says she is tired",
"and asks if i can give her a ride to her",
"apartment, i agree but my roommate says he'll do",
"it since he wanted to get something from taco",
"bell anyways. meh ok so i said bye, gave her a",
"hug, and that was that. i went back to bed,",
"closed my eyes and after going through all the",
"events of the night in my head i instantly pieced",
"everything together, opened my eyes, and",
"facepalmed the hardest facepalm ever. she",
"graduated a few days later and moved across the",
"country for med school...i have come to the",
"conclusion that i really hate myself sometimes."
] |
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it was a saturday night and my roommates and i early night. me and my roommates are all very thought i had already fu by being the scrubbiest
|
191 | 36 | 0.93 | 191 |
so this didn't happen today (big surprise), this actually happened years ago. i'm new to reddit but i thought this would be a funny story.
i took a trip to amsterdam....it wasn't my first time. there were these shrooms called hawaiians.
again, not my first time doing these particular shrooms. the first two times are other stories for another day (they are pretty hard to explain lol.)
so anyway, i took these extremely potent shrooms thinking everything would be good like they were for the first two times. i was fucking wrong.
i was with a couple and we had two rooms in at least a five star hotel. the chick took much less mild shrooms while me and her boyfriend took the hawaiians. i didn't realize that third time is the "charm(for lack of a better word)." we seemed to be doing okay. the bathroom door was made of glass, which was kind of trippy for all of us. we were all just kind of fucked up, doing our thing, nothing crazy but it was getting late, and we had plans the next morning.
i went up to my room thinking to sleep but learned this lesson - "never ever leave a person alone on hawaiian shrooms." this is where it gets a bit blurry. i created my own hell inside my hotel room. it was extremely hot so i stripped. i remember trying to get out of hell but i was surrounded by walls. i finally did (i opened the door) and started running down the hall screaming "i am dead!" "i am dead!" keep in mind i am butt naked in a 5 star hotel.
next thing i remember is this giant dude getting off the elevator and pointing at me saying "you!". i thought he was satan. they ran me down pretty quick and i guess held me until the cops came. this is very blurry they took me back up to my room to get clothes (yea still naked) and i guess all i grabbed were some boxers.
the next thing i remember was looking at my penis wondering what the fuck it was. i remember batting it around a couple of times being very confused as to why this thing was connected me. the guard (a woman) came up to me (could have been moments, could have been hours, i don't fucking know, i think i passed out) and asked if i was okay. i said "yea, can i go home?" she said "can you please put your boxers on?" i look down and of course my penis is hanging out and i am butt naked. i grabbed my boxers and put them on and she said "you should spend a few more hours in here." so i sat in the holding cell, in my boxers, for at least a couple of hours. they finally opened the door and said "you are free to go." i love amsterdam. also, drugs are bad.
|
did shrooms in amsterdam, got arrested and released with no further punishment.
|
going to amsterdam
|
[
"so this didn't happen today (big surprise), this",
"actually happened years ago. i'm new to reddit",
"but i thought this would be a funny story.",
"i took a trip to amsterdam....it wasn't my first",
"time. there were these shrooms called hawaiians.",
"again, not my first time doing these particular",
"shrooms. the first two times are other stories",
"for another day (they are pretty hard to explain",
"lol.)",
"so anyway, i took these extremely potent shrooms",
"thinking everything would be good like they were",
"for the first two times. i was fucking wrong.",
"i was with a couple and we had two rooms in at",
"least a five star hotel. the chick took much less",
"mild shrooms while me and her boyfriend took the",
"hawaiians. i didn't realize that third time is",
"the \"charm(for lack of a better word).\" we seemed",
"to be doing okay. the bathroom door was made of",
"glass, which was kind of trippy for all of us. we",
"were all just kind of fucked up, doing our thing,",
"nothing crazy but it was getting late, and we had",
"plans the next morning.",
"i went up to my room thinking to sleep but",
"learned this lesson - \"never ever leave a person",
"alone on hawaiian shrooms.\" this is where it gets",
"a bit blurry. i created my own hell inside my",
"hotel room. it was extremely hot so i stripped. i",
"remember trying to get out of hell but i was",
"surrounded by walls. i finally did (i opened the",
"door) and started running down the hall screaming",
"\"i am dead!\" \"i am dead!\" keep in mind i am butt",
"naked in a 5 star hotel.",
"next thing i remember is this giant dude getting",
"off the elevator and pointing at me saying",
"\"you!\". i thought he was satan. they ran me down",
"pretty quick and i guess held me until the cops",
"came. this is very blurry they took me back up to",
"my room to get clothes (yea still naked) and i",
"guess all i grabbed were some boxers.",
"the next thing i remember was looking at my penis",
"wondering what the fuck it was. i remember",
"batting it around a couple of times being very",
"confused as to why this thing was connected me.",
"the guard (a woman) came up to me (could have",
"been moments, could have been hours, i don't",
"fucking know, i think i passed out) and asked if",
"i was okay. i said \"yea, can i go home?\" she said",
"\"can you please put your boxers on?\" i look down",
"and of course my penis is hanging out and i am",
"butt naked. i grabbed my boxers and put them on",
"and she said \"you should spend a few more hours",
"in here.\" so i sat in the holding cell, in my",
"boxers, for at least a couple of hours. they",
"finally opened the door and said \"you are free to",
"go.\" i love amsterdam. also, drugs are bad."
] |
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time. there were these shrooms called hawaiians. i was with a couple and we had two rooms in at
|
2 | 1 | 1 | 2 |
this just happened. i sold a car to a client (yes i'm a car salesman, sorry/notsorry) and he is telling me about how he is going through a nasty divorce. the traded car is in her name and we need a document signed by her to get the deal done. i contact her after he leaves the dealership and she is all too happy to help as she wants the car gone. when i call him back to say i've got the paperwork sorted he is amazed at how quickly she responded. i say "i'm sure she only has your best interests at heart.." then the awkward silence...he responds with, "what the %uck would you know about our relationship, it's a very messy split and you should mind your own business!" he has now cancelled the deal.
|
i lost the business over $100,000 being a smart arse.
|
making light of a dark situation.
|
[
"this just happened. i sold a car to a client (yes",
"i'm a car salesman, sorry/notsorry) and he is",
"telling me about how he is going through a nasty",
"divorce. the traded car is in her name and we",
"need a document signed by her to get the deal",
"done. i contact her after he leaves the",
"dealership and she is all too happy to help as",
"she wants the car gone. when i call him back to",
"say i've got the paperwork sorted he is amazed at",
"how quickly she responded. i say \"i'm sure she",
"only has your best interests at heart..\" then the",
"awkward silence...he responds with, \"what the",
"%uck would you know about our relationship, it's",
"a very messy split and you should mind your own",
"business!\" he has now cancelled the deal."
] |
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this just happened. i sold a car to a client (yes business!" he has now cancelled the deal.
|
0 | 0 | 0.5 | 0 |
okay so this happened 2 days ago, so this is healing right now.
i am an avid cosplayer in the summers after school and i'm cosplaying kirito from sword art online and i had obtained his swords that he uses in the anime (dark repulsor and elucidator) and they were made of larp foam and had a nice frame to it.
the only problem was that i found the edges a little unclean.
i finally started getting more free time as finals come around (because for some reason i only get homework in big chunks and then no tests ever), so when i find myself at home one day, i decide to shave off these excess pieces with an unclean razor blade that i have in my room. i grab my swords and go downstairs and my mom is watching netflix, as she usually does when it's 11pm.
i start carefully shaving the dark repulsor and i'm having no problem until my mom got my little brother to turn some jams on. now, my family is known in town for dancing their ass off in every single opportunity possible, so me being me, i start dancing and getting down.
with an unclean razor blade in my hand...
i end up cutting the first knuckle on my left index finger clean through and deep when i crossed my hands. it hardly hurt but it was definitely gushing blood and i had to wrap it with some ice to stop the bleeding. so far, it isn't infected so hopefully i'm good.
|
danced some hot fires while making surgical incisions on my knuckle
|
having the moves like jagger
|
[
"okay so this happened 2 days ago, so this is",
"healing right now.",
"i am an avid cosplayer in the summers after",
"school and i'm cosplaying kirito from sword art",
"online and i had obtained his swords that he uses",
"in the anime (dark repulsor and elucidator) and",
"they were made of larp foam and had a nice frame",
"to it.",
"the only problem was that i found the edges a",
"little unclean.",
"i finally started getting more free time as",
"finals come around (because for some reason i",
"only get homework in big chunks and then no tests",
"ever), so when i find myself at home one day, i",
"decide to shave off these excess pieces with an",
"unclean razor blade that i have in my room. i",
"grab my swords and go downstairs and my mom is",
"watching netflix, as she usually does when it's",
"11pm.",
"i start carefully shaving the dark repulsor and",
"i'm having no problem until my mom got my little",
"brother to turn some jams on. now, my family is",
"known in town for dancing their ass off in every",
"single opportunity possible, so me being me, i",
"start dancing and getting down.",
"with an unclean razor blade in my hand...",
"i end up cutting the first knuckle on my left",
"index finger clean through and deep when i",
"crossed my hands. it hardly hurt but it was",
"definitely gushing blood and i had to wrap it",
"with some ice to stop the bleeding. so far, it",
"isn't infected so hopefully i'm good."
] |
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i end up cutting the first knuckle on my left
|
6 | 5 | 1 | 6 |
tifu this morning when a fellow commuter let me have a freshly vacated seat. the bus braked hard when i let go of the pole, resulting in me flinging my phone into the chest of a nearby stranger. 'twas a ride of embarrassment to work.
|
lose balance on bus and threw phone at stranger.
|
accepting a seat on the bus
|
[
"tifu this morning when a fellow commuter let me",
"have a freshly vacated seat. the bus braked hard",
"when i let go of the pole, resulting in me",
"flinging my phone into the chest of a nearby",
"stranger. 'twas a ride of embarrassment to work."
] |
[
0,
0,
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stranger. 'twas a ride of embarrassment to work.
|
17 | 9 | 0.95 | 17 |
hey everyone, this just happened a couple of minutes ago. this will require just a little bit of a back story so hear me out.
in jan of this year i was still in active duty in the armed forces. i was completing my final tour before leaving the force for good.
to my surprise i received a little notification in my email notifying me that my application to my business course has been accepted!
awesome!
i was overjoyed at the prospect of finally returning to studies after a long while in service. i began busying myself with my out-processing and transition back into the civilian world. i got a job interning at a consultancy firm to broaden my experience and to get a little bit of spending cash for university life ahead. i even received a little packet from the university specifying orientation and accommodation. note: i skimmed the packet and it said that "accommodation applications will be notified closer to the school year." great!
this is where my fuck-up occurs.
fast forward to present day. i was speaking to my friend who is already studying at the university i have been accepted to. conversation went like this:
friend: "excited for uni life? got everything sorted?"
me: "of course man, just got to wait for the accommodation letter to arrive!"
friend: "oh, you haven't received it yet?"
me: "what do you mean? applications were to be sent to me."
friend: "dude... application *outcomes* will be sent to you. you have to submit the applications yourself in **march**."
at this point i shat myself flipping through my packet on my side desk. i reread it carefully. "accommodation applications will be notified closer to the school year, **should your application be successful**" well fuck me in the titties.
i'm now effectively homeless moving to another country in a two month's time. i've emailed the undergraduate housing and i haven't heard back yet.
help me reddit. i can't go back to living out field.
edit: formatting
|
misread and forgot about accommodation for university in the foreign country. now i'm homeless
|
forgetting about university.
|
[
"hey everyone, this just happened a couple of",
"minutes ago. this will require just a little bit",
"of a back story so hear me out.",
"in jan of this year i was still in active duty in",
"the armed forces. i was completing my final tour",
"before leaving the force for good.",
"to my surprise i received a little notification",
"in my email notifying me that my application to",
"my business course has been accepted!",
"awesome!",
"i was overjoyed at the prospect of finally",
"returning to studies after a long while in",
"service. i began busying myself with my",
"out-processing and transition back into the",
"civilian world. i got a job interning at a",
"consultancy firm to broaden my experience and to",
"get a little bit of spending cash for university",
"life ahead. i even received a little packet from",
"the university specifying orientation and",
"accommodation. note: i skimmed the packet and it",
"said that \"accommodation applications will be",
"notified closer to the school year.\" great!",
"this is where my fuck-up occurs.",
"fast forward to present day. i was speaking to my",
"friend who is already studying at the university",
"i have been accepted to. conversation went like",
"this:",
"friend: \"excited for uni life? got everything",
"sorted?\"",
"me: \"of course man, just got to wait for the",
"accommodation letter to arrive!\"",
"friend: \"oh, you haven't received it yet?\"",
"me: \"what do you mean? applications were to be",
"sent to me.\"",
"friend: \"dude... application *outcomes* will be",
"sent to you. you have to submit the applications",
"yourself in **march**.\"",
"at this point i shat myself flipping through my",
"packet on my side desk. i reread it carefully.",
"\"accommodation applications will be notified",
"closer to the school year, **should your",
"application be successful**\" well fuck me in the",
"titties.",
"i'm now effectively homeless moving to another",
"country in a two month's time. i've emailed the",
"undergraduate housing and i haven't heard back",
"yet.",
"help me reddit. i can't go back to living out",
"field.",
"edit: formatting"
] |
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the university specifying orientation and application be successful**" well fuck me in the i'm now effectively homeless moving to another
|
0 | 11 | 0.22 | 0 |
obvious throwaway, obvious "some details may have been changed", obvious "please excuse my english", obvious
so, i teach an introductory/remedial english class in brasil. (trust my english on this--you can spell it with that ugly z all you want. i don't care.) it's not the best class of the world, but it is better than my competition. (i am not humbled.) i have taught students who are now 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, and one girl who's 20. and excepting the one who's twenty, i yet have not taught a single year of students where i never have had a crush on a girl.
i am now 25, and very bonito, very goodlooking, i dress fancy, and girls hit on me frequently, except usually while teaching. but sometimes flirting happens anyway.
here are my fus.
1. i dream about the girls. there is at least one in each class who is... i mean, lovely and beautiful, and worse, my style of woman. but girl, not woman, which is the worst.
2. when the girl takes interest in me, i feed that interest. i am not strong or wise enough to ignore it or shut her down. and then i dream about it when i'm not with her, and i think that it can be, when it cannot. i know it's madness.
there is one girl. i cannot even look at her because she overwhelms with that face. another girl, i don't like because she's not kind, but it's hard not to stare at her body. a separate girl who is so, so beautiful and always says things like "you'll find the woman when you need to", since they know i am not with a woman. another girl who no longer attends my school who was seemingly perfect for me except that she was a kid, and obviously that means i had a false thought of who she really is. i think that girl knows that i feel for her and she always avoids me when she comes to our school now to see her friends. she isn't polite even though she used to talk with me all the time. it's a load of bollocks. and then there is a last one. the last girl.
her body is deadly. her hair is the most belo you have ever seen. her smile... and she is polite, obedient, a good student, a great student actually, sweet, kind, and only infatuated with me. i think. but i cannot talk with her so who knows?
what is worse is because i have a very close amigo who is her much older sibling, i see this girl not just in normal invironments. i talk with her much, especially one-on-one, even though we are never alone. she's so respectful and values my thoughts, which obviously is very attractive.
thankfully when the term ends, my time with her will end and i can take her out of my mind and life, but from time to time i even dare to wonder if i might acquire her feelings forever once she leaves my school, maybe five years later, if i'm not married then. and it's all wrong, and the worst? no one may know.
not cristina (the girl), not my friend, not my family, not the staff, nobody.
and the desires will still be there when the next year comes. i know of the class that will be there next year, and i have seen the girls. there are some who would tempt me sorely being in my class. it is not their fault. do not "sjw" me, i know it's all me.
i think things may get much better as i continue dating women my age, but i worry. and how could any grown woman ever accept a man who falls for girls once she discovers the truth (which before too much time elapses i should tell her)? shall i never encounter love?
has reddit any advice? i am not willing, unless mandatory, to leave teaching. i might try teaching much younger kids, or maybe adults? either get small children who don't attract me, or adults whom i can pursue?
well, i know i've committed so many mistakes. but i did learn "whom" and what it means, so, lick that, english speakers.
#tl;dr i am 25 andso addicted to adoring this girl cristina, who's just 18 and definitely likes me but i can't possibly do a single thing with her ever. help me.
|
is coming, and obvious "this did not happen today". and this isn't really sexual, i hope it isn't tossed, i need to get heard and it isn't sex at all.
|
falling for one of my teenage girl students
|
[
"obvious throwaway, obvious \"some details may have",
"been changed\", obvious \"please excuse my",
"english\", obvious",
"so, i teach an introductory/remedial english",
"class in brasil. (trust my english on this--you",
"can spell it with that ugly z all you want. i",
"don't care.) it's not the best class of the",
"world, but it is better than my competition. (i",
"am not humbled.) i have taught students who are",
"now 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, and one girl who's 20.",
"and excepting the one who's twenty, i yet have",
"not taught a single year of students where i",
"never have had a crush on a girl.",
"i am now 25, and very bonito, very goodlooking, i",
"dress fancy, and girls hit on me frequently,",
"except usually while teaching. but sometimes",
"flirting happens anyway.",
"here are my fus.",
"1. i dream about the girls. there is at least one",
"in each class who is... i mean, lovely and",
"beautiful, and worse, my style of woman. but",
"girl, not woman, which is the worst.",
"2. when the girl takes interest in me, i feed",
"that interest. i am not strong or wise enough to",
"ignore it or shut her down. and then i dream",
"about it when i'm not with her, and i think that",
"it can be, when it cannot. i know it's madness.",
"there is one girl. i cannot even look at her",
"because she overwhelms with that face. another",
"girl, i don't like because she's not kind, but",
"it's hard not to stare at her body. a separate",
"girl who is so, so beautiful and always says",
"things like \"you'll find the woman when you need",
"to\", since they know i am not with a woman.",
"another girl who no longer attends my school who",
"was seemingly perfect for me except that she was",
"a kid, and obviously that means i had a false",
"thought of who she really is. i think that girl",
"knows that i feel for her and she always avoids",
"me when she comes to our school now to see her",
"friends. she isn't polite even though she used to",
"talk with me all the time. it's a load of",
"bollocks. and then there is a last one. the last",
"girl.",
"her body is deadly. her hair is the most belo you",
"have ever seen. her smile... and she is polite,",
"obedient, a good student, a great student",
"actually, sweet, kind, and only infatuated with",
"me. i think. but i cannot talk with her so who",
"knows?",
"what is worse is because i have a very close",
"amigo who is her much older sibling, i see this",
"girl not just in normal invironments. i talk with",
"her much, especially one-on-one, even though we",
"are never alone. she's so respectful and values",
"my thoughts, which obviously is very attractive.",
"thankfully when the term ends, my time with her",
"will end and i can take her out of my mind and",
"life, but from time to time i even dare to wonder",
"if i might acquire her feelings forever once she",
"leaves my school, maybe five years later, if i'm",
"not married then. and it's all wrong, and the",
"worst? no one may know.",
"not cristina (the girl), not my friend, not my",
"family, not the staff, nobody.",
"and the desires will still be there when the next",
"year comes. i know of the class that will be",
"there next year, and i have seen the girls. there",
"are some who would tempt me sorely being in my",
"class. it is not their fault. do not \"sjw\" me, i",
"know it's all me.",
"i think things may get much better as i continue",
"dating women my age, but i worry. and how could",
"any grown woman ever accept a man who falls for",
"girls once she discovers the truth (which before",
"too much time elapses i should tell her)? shall i",
"never encounter love?",
"has reddit any advice? i am not willing, unless",
"mandatory, to leave teaching. i might try",
"teaching much younger kids, or maybe adults?",
"either get small children who don't attract me,",
"or adults whom i can pursue?",
"well, i know i've committed so many mistakes. but",
"i did learn \"whom\" and what it means, so, lick",
"that, english speakers.",
"#tl;dr i am 25 andso addicted to adoring this",
"girl cristina, who's just 18 and definitely likes",
"me but i can't possibly do a single thing with",
"her ever. help me."
] |
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english", obvious it's hard not to stare at her body. a separate amigo who is her much older sibling, i see this i did learn "whom" and what it means, so, lick
|
7 | 6 | 1 | 7 |
bonus points for me, this one happened like maybe 2hrs ago.
i don't like cooking, let's start there. if i could create a church where people can worship the creator of the microwave, i would. oatmeal, an omelette made of egg whites with string cheese and sliced franks, frozen chicken breasts (submerged in water), turkey bacon, microwaveable rice bags. my whole diet was based off of dishes that i was able to microwave...
trying to keep this long background story short, i always cooked my rice in one of [these](http://www.webstaurantstore.com/images/products/main/72853/169496/black-24-oz-7-x-5-x-2-rectangular-microwavable-container-with-lid-150-case.jpg), and for the 10 months i've been doing it, it's worked wonders for me. throw the bag of rice, submerge it in water, 15 mins in the microwave and boom. got rice.
well today i felt a bit different. i didn't want to use one of these containers. i was wondering if i could use anything smaller. and so, as a lover and collector of plastic microwave safe bowls/containers, i thought it would be a good idea to try a smaller container this time. perhaps one that was not as elongated. something like an empty hummus container (like [this one](http://runeatrepeat.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/img_4844.jpg)). in the bag went, in went the water. huh, neat, i thought to myself, the bag fits snugly into the container and is submerged into the water. and so into the microwave it went.
15 mins should be enough for me to catch up on my german lessons/browse the internet. hahaha, that's a cool picture of a--
*fucking
*smoke
*alarms
*go off
i sprint out of my room to find the bag of rice (now looking like a piece of charcoal) had melted through the container and was now causing this beautiful commotion in my apartment. great. now i've got like 3 alarms going off at the same time, since the smoke detector in my room decided he wanted to join in on the fun, too! and they're all out of reach--meaning i can't even climb a chair and set them off...
|
switched containers to cook my microwaveable rice in a bag, i apparently either didn't put enough water or the water flooded outside the container, resulting in the bag melting the side of the container and turning as black as a fucking piece of coal.
|
being a lazy cooker
|
[
"bonus points for me, this one happened like maybe",
"2hrs ago.",
"i don't like cooking, let's start there. if i",
"could create a church where people can worship",
"the creator of the microwave, i would. oatmeal,",
"an omelette made of egg whites with string cheese",
"and sliced franks, frozen chicken breasts",
"(submerged in water), turkey bacon, microwaveable",
"rice bags. my whole diet was based off of dishes",
"that i was able to microwave...",
"trying to keep this long background story short,",
"i always cooked my rice in one of",
"[these](http://www.webstaurantstore.com/images/pr",
"oducts/main/72853/169496/black-24-oz-7-x-5-x-2-rec",
"tangular-microwavable-container-with-lid-150-case.",
"jpg),",
"and for the 10 months i've been doing it, it's",
"worked wonders for me. throw the bag of rice,",
"submerge it in water, 15 mins in the microwave",
"and boom. got rice.",
"well today i felt a bit different. i didn't want",
"to use one of these containers. i was wondering",
"if i could use anything smaller. and so, as a",
"lover and collector of plastic microwave safe",
"bowls/containers, i thought it would be a good",
"idea to try a smaller container this time.",
"perhaps one that was not as elongated. something",
"like an empty hummus container (like [this",
"one](http://runeatrepeat.com/wp-content/uploads/2",
"010/12/img_4844.jpg)).",
"in the bag went, in went the water. huh, neat, i",
"thought to myself, the bag fits snugly into the",
"container and is submerged into the water. and so",
"into the microwave it went.",
"15 mins should be enough for me to catch up on my",
"german lessons/browse the internet. hahaha,",
"that's a cool picture of a--",
"*fucking\n\n*smoke\n\n*alarms\n\n*go off",
"i sprint out of my room to find the bag of rice",
"(now looking like a piece of charcoal) had melted",
"through the container and was now causing this",
"beautiful commotion in my apartment. great. now",
"i've got like 3 alarms going off at the same",
"time, since the smoke detector in my room decided",
"he wanted to join in on the fun, too! and they're",
"all out of reach--meaning i can't even climb a",
"chair and set them off..."
] |
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i always cooked my rice in one of to use one of these containers. i was wondering in the bag went, in went the water. huh, neat, i (now looking like a piece of charcoal) had melted through the container and was now causing this
|
4 | 3 | 1 | 4 |
okay, so this colossal fuck up didn't happen today or yesterday. five years ago when i was a young and stupid in college i went with some friends to an off campus party. everything was pretty chill and relaxing so i decided now was as a good time as any to chug as many beers as i could to get my buzz on. 1,2,5 beers later i'm starting to feel the friendly warmth of booze fill my body. it wasn't long until new faces joined our night of debauchery and wouldn't you know it, a girl that i had been crushing on stopped by. now would be the perfect time for her to get to know me better. welp, one of her friends brought a bong and i figured i would join them to show how much fun i was. i have never smoked before this moment. my crush hands me the bong, i take one long inhale, hold my breath for an eternity and release. immediately, i creep back into my seat and start to question why that seemed like a good idea. slowly, the room starts to turn and i suddenly feel nauseous. quickly i excuse myself and go to the kitchen, fumbling to grab a glass. i throw back two full glasses of water and start to feel light headed. i walk into the hallway and....lights fucking out, i collapse on the floor. i don't know if anyone heard me fall or for how long i blacked out for. i gather my strength and try to stand, but.....fucking nope. i fall again and blackout for the second time. at this point one of my friends must have heard me and came over to help. i was fucking done, my buddy helped me walk back to campus (fortunately it was a short walk) to go sleep it off. well i get back to my dorm and a girl who has been crushing on me finds out what happened and is standing at the doorway. she gives me a mouthful about making bad life decisions and leaves. miraculously i manage to make it to my room, crash in my bed and wonder why i do things to impress girls when i already had a girl who was crushing on me.
|
i took my first bong hit after chugging 5 beers to impress a girl and went lights fucking black out.
|
trying my first bong hit after chugging 5 beers at a party to impress a girl
|
[
"okay, so this colossal fuck up didn't happen today",
"or yesterday. five years ago when i was a young",
"and stupid in college i went with some friends to",
"an off campus party. everything was pretty chill",
"and relaxing so i decided now was as a good time",
"as any to chug as many beers as i could to get my",
"buzz on. 1,2,5 beers later i'm starting to feel",
"the friendly warmth of booze fill my body. it",
"wasn't long until new faces joined our night of",
"debauchery and wouldn't you know it, a girl that",
"i had been crushing on stopped by. now would be",
"the perfect time for her to get to know me",
"better. welp, one of her friends brought a bong",
"and i figured i would join them to show how much",
"fun i was. i have never smoked before this",
"moment. my crush hands me the bong, i take one",
"long inhale, hold my breath for an eternity and",
"release. immediately, i creep back into my seat",
"and start to question why that seemed like a good",
"idea. slowly, the room starts to turn and i",
"suddenly feel nauseous. quickly i excuse myself",
"and go to the kitchen, fumbling to grab a glass.",
"i throw back two full glasses of water and start",
"to feel light headed. i walk into the hallway",
"and....lights fucking out, i collapse on the",
"floor. i don't know if anyone heard me fall or",
"for how long i blacked out for. i gather my",
"strength and try to stand, but.....fucking nope.",
"i fall again and blackout for the second time.",
"at this point one of my friends must have heard",
"me and came over to help. i was fucking done, my",
"buddy helped me walk back to campus (fortunately",
"it was a short walk) to go sleep it off. well i",
"get back to my dorm and a girl who has been",
"crushing on me finds out what happened and is",
"standing at the doorway. she gives me a mouthful",
"about making bad life decisions and leaves.",
"miraculously i manage to make it to my room,",
"crash in my bed and wonder why i do things to",
"impress girls when i already had a girl who was",
"crushing on me."
] |
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and....lights fucking out, i collapse on the get back to my dorm and a girl who has been
|
1 | 1 | 0.66 | 1 |
my apartment manager sent out a mass email this evening informing my complex that maintenance would be installing fire extinguishers in every apartment tomorrow. i decided that this is a good time to de-neckbeard my apartment and filled up several garbage bags with clutter. these i then placed in the bed of my pickup truck and drove to the nearer of the two dumpster/trash compactors for the complex. these trash "areas" are unlit and as soon as the sun goes down they fall into the dominion of giant, fearless raccoons. these things are gigantic - like up to the size of friggin ottoman - and will just sit in the trash compactors and hiss when you try to throw anything away at night. so what i did was buy a can of cheap-as-shit pepper spray from fry's and left it in my truck for when i had to throw trash away at night. tonight was the first time i had occasion to use it so i pulled it out and hosed down the trash bin without aiming at anything in particular. the can ran out within a few seconds of spraying and ended with a big wet mist, rather than a compact spray. i threw the can in the bin and didn't think anything of it. the 'coons had scattered so i figured i was good to go. grabbed a bag of trash from the truck, went to throw it away, and stepped right into the cloud of pepper spray. i honestly had no idea what happened at first as my vision went blurry and my nose started burning. but then it got worse and i realized what the fuck my dumb ass had done. i threw the trash bag at the bin and missed completely, it hit the side of the bin and fell down between the compactor and its wooden facade, which is where i think the raccoons live in the daytime. i fished it out of there and got it thrown away, and the rest of the bags, too, all while crying and my nose running. i suppose anyone who has affection for giant dumpster 'coons would call it instant karma. however, i must say that it wasn't really that bad. maybe it's only because i caught the pepper spray indirectly, but it was at mostly only annoying and most of that was because it was such a surprise (to my dumb ass). i really hope that police mace and whatever ladies carry in their purses is a lot more potent because the shit i bought would not stop someone really bent on mayhem.
|
pepper sprayed the raccoons that own my dumpster at night, ended up getting myself.**
|
pepper spraying myself while throwing my garbage away
|
[
"my apartment manager sent out a mass email this",
"evening informing my complex that maintenance",
"would be installing fire extinguishers in every",
"apartment tomorrow. i decided that this is a good",
"time to de-neckbeard my apartment and filled up",
"several garbage bags with clutter. these i then",
"placed in the bed of my pickup truck and drove to",
"the nearer of the two dumpster/trash compactors",
"for the complex. these trash \"areas\" are unlit",
"and as soon as the sun goes down they fall into",
"the dominion of giant, fearless raccoons. these",
"things are gigantic - like up to the size of",
"friggin ottoman - and will just sit in the trash",
"compactors and hiss when you try to throw",
"anything away at night. so what i did was buy a",
"can of cheap-as-shit pepper spray from fry's and",
"left it in my truck for when i had to throw trash",
"away at night. tonight was the first time i had",
"occasion to use it so i pulled it out and hosed",
"down the trash bin without aiming at anything in",
"particular. the can ran out within a few seconds",
"of spraying and ended with a big wet mist, rather",
"than a compact spray. i threw the can in the bin",
"and didn't think anything of it. the 'coons had",
"scattered so i figured i was good to go. grabbed",
"a bag of trash from the truck, went to throw it",
"away, and stepped right into the cloud of pepper",
"spray. i honestly had no idea what happened at",
"first as my vision went blurry and my nose",
"started burning. but then it got worse and i",
"realized what the fuck my dumb ass had done. i",
"threw the trash bag at the bin and missed",
"completely, it hit the side of the bin and fell",
"down between the compactor and its wooden facade,",
"which is where i think the raccoons live in the",
"daytime. i fished it out of there and got it",
"thrown away, and the rest of the bags, too, all",
"while crying and my nose running. i suppose",
"anyone who has affection for giant dumpster",
"'coons would call it instant karma. however, i",
"must say that it wasn't really that bad. maybe",
"it's only because i caught the pepper spray",
"indirectly, but it was at mostly only annoying",
"and most of that was because it was such a",
"surprise (to my dumb ass). i really hope that",
"police mace and whatever ladies carry in their",
"purses is a lot more potent because the shit i",
"bought would not stop someone really bent on",
"mayhem."
] |
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evening informing my complex that maintenance away at night. tonight was the first time i had
|
1 | 0 | 0.67 | 1 |
obviously not today. its been more than a month now.
time : when its too early for lunch and too late for a snack before lunch.
day : conditional bad day.
place: i might have fucked up but i am not stupid to out myself like this.
situation of the pants: mostly dry
it was like any other day. i got up way too late in the morning debated breakfast and skipped it anyways. and drove to work mins before my manager and acted like i have been at the desk for more time than i was. just as he passed my desk i said to myself out loud " ok time for the coffee" and went into the kitchen grabbed that cheap styrofoam cup and poured a drink for myself. walked down to the second floor to have a smoke and coffee.
since it was still cold back then i didnt stay outside for long and walked inside with the coffee cup minus the cigarette. i get a call on my phone and check its from my mom ( from india, yes i am indian my username is relevant). so asusual i end the incoming call and dial back and started talking.
while still on the call with my mom and strolling in the second floor i come across this "pull lever incase of fire" lever. i have the phone in one hand glued to my ear. and with the free hand i was running my hands across the lever, i know very stupid thing to do but i wasnt applying any sort of pressure. all i did was run my hands on the lever like they do with smooth skin chicks in commercials. and all of a sudden the lever drops and inch. ear blaring high pitched sounds and alarms.
situation in pants : smaller and moist than usual.
my heart was racing like a horse. i didnt know what to do. millions of thoughts were crossing my mind. even before i could pull the lever back or do something about it everybody from the office were running out. at this point i wanted to collapse to the ground and act like i had seizures but the clothes were new and i didnt know if it will be a dead giveaway that i pulled the lever. so i postponed that thought and acted like i didnt know what happened and walked to the front of the building. all the c level guys were out too along with my manager his boss and the directors with in couple minutes there were two fire trucks and an ambulance.
situation in pants: ley me put it this way if i was in california they would have granted me citizenship for my supply of water to the state.
after pissing my pants metaphorically, for the fear of getting caught and losing the job and getting deported and put in prison and what not i saw a familiar face in the crow. i went to a friend of mine and all the while still talking to my mom and giving her all the information first hand and freaking her out, i asked my friend using my hand gesture of "dude what happened" and he responded with i dont know gesture.
at this point my mom told my dad that i somehow started a fire in the office and it is on fire and fire truck is here to rescue the people in the office. my dad was shocked and started calling me names and what not was reminding me of all the fuck ups i ever did since being a kid. and it was hard for me to concentrate here at the situation and also explain what was happening to my hyper dad. so i told them i will call back in 5 and hung up. no this is not the fuck up, atleast not the end of it.
i somehow managed to tell that friend of mine that i was the one who started the alarm and i dont know what to do and i was freaking out. he had an interesting expression on his face and then proceeded to ask me where exactly did i pull the lever. i said in the second floor. and then he said dude we dont have cameras in the second floor so you are in luck they wont be able to tell who did it. it hit me like a cool breeze in a hot indian summer.
situation in pants : well not as wet but i am sure my heart sank into my ball sack and still was pretty much beating at a pace which i didnt appreciate.
now that the alarm was reset and everybody went back to their work i leaned across the wall of the second floor entrance and started smoking another cigarette. i was telling my dad over the phone now how it is very common here in the united states for people to freak out about small stuff and make a big deal out of it and how i was able to cleverly escape from such a situation so he wont lecture me about it. only to find out my manager listening to everything i say standing beside me. he said "if you were not a critical resource i would hand your ass to them, dont ever repeat this again knowingly or otherwise" .
|
faked a fire alarm unknowingly, almost got caught .
|
fingering fire alarm at work place.
|
[
"obviously not today. its been more than a month",
"now.",
"time : when its too early for lunch and too late",
"for a snack before lunch.",
"day : conditional bad day.",
"place: i might have fucked up but i am not stupid",
"to out myself like this.",
"situation of the pants: mostly dry",
"it was like any other day. i got up way too late",
"in the morning debated breakfast and skipped it",
"anyways. and drove to work mins before my manager",
"and acted like i have been at the desk for more",
"time than i was. just as he passed my desk i said",
"to myself out loud \" ok time for the coffee\" and",
"went into the kitchen grabbed that cheap",
"styrofoam cup and poured a drink for myself.",
"walked down to the second floor to have a smoke",
"and coffee.",
"since it was still cold back then i didnt stay",
"outside for long and walked inside with the",
"coffee cup minus the cigarette. i get a call on",
"my phone and check its from my mom ( from india,",
"yes i am indian my username is relevant). so",
"asusual i end the incoming call and dial back and",
"started talking.",
"while still on the call with my mom and strolling",
"in the second floor i come across this \"pull",
"lever incase of fire\" lever. i have the phone in",
"one hand glued to my ear. and with the free hand",
"i was running my hands across the lever, i know",
"very stupid thing to do but i wasnt applying any",
"sort of pressure. all i did was run my hands on",
"the lever like they do with smooth skin chicks in",
"commercials. and all of a sudden the lever drops",
"and inch. ear blaring high pitched sounds and",
"alarms.",
"situation in pants : smaller and moist than",
"usual.",
"my heart was racing like a horse. i didnt know",
"what to do. millions of thoughts were crossing my",
"mind. even before i could pull the lever back or",
"do something about it everybody from the office",
"were running out. at this point i wanted to",
"collapse to the ground and act like i had",
"seizures but the clothes were new and i didnt",
"know if it will be a dead giveaway that i pulled",
"the lever. so i postponed that thought and acted",
"like i didnt know what happened and walked to the",
"front of the building. all the c level guys were",
"out too along with my manager his boss and the",
"directors with in couple minutes there were two",
"fire trucks and an ambulance.",
"situation in pants: ley me put it this way if i",
"was in california they would have granted me",
"citizenship for my supply of water to the state.",
"after pissing my pants metaphorically, for the",
"fear of getting caught and losing the job and",
"getting deported and put in prison and what not i",
"saw a familiar face in the crow. i went to a",
"friend of mine and all the while still talking to",
"my mom and giving her all the information first",
"hand and freaking her out, i asked my friend",
"using my hand gesture of \"dude what happened\" and",
"he responded with i dont know gesture.",
"at this point my mom told my dad that i somehow",
"started a fire in the office and it is on fire",
"and fire truck is here to rescue the people in",
"the office. my dad was shocked and started",
"calling me names and what not was reminding me of",
"all the fuck ups i ever did since being a kid.",
"and it was hard for me to concentrate here at the",
"situation and also explain what was happening to",
"my hyper dad. so i told them i will call back in",
"5 and hung up. no this is not the fuck up,",
"atleast not the end of it.",
"i somehow managed to tell that friend of mine",
"that i was the one who started the alarm and i",
"dont know what to do and i was freaking out. he",
"had an interesting expression on his face and",
"then proceeded to ask me where exactly did i pull",
"the lever. i said in the second floor. and then",
"he said dude we dont have cameras in the second",
"floor so you are in luck they wont be able to",
"tell who did it. it hit me like a cool breeze in",
"a hot indian summer.",
"situation in pants : well not as wet but i am",
"sure my heart sank into my ball sack and still",
"was pretty much beating at a pace which i didnt",
"appreciate.",
"now that the alarm was reset and everybody went",
"back to their work i leaned across the wall of",
"the second floor entrance and started smoking",
"another cigarette. i was telling my dad over the",
"phone now how it is very common here in the",
"united states for people to freak out about small",
"stuff and make a big deal out of it and how i was",
"able to cleverly escape from such a situation so",
"he wont lecture me about it. only to find out my",
"manager listening to everything i say standing",
"beside me. he said \"if you were not a critical",
"resource i would hand your ass to them, dont ever",
"repeat this again knowingly or otherwise\" ."
] |
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started a fire in the office and it is on fire
|
4 | 1 | 0.72 | 4 |
blah blah few weeks ago not today blah blah...
picture the scene, it's an early morning in a history class, my brain is still in a half functioning state. my teach standing up front asks
'and who said, 'there shall be peace in our time''
enter yours truly, the dumbass, whose hand shoots up 'yeah i goth this, no one else knows but *i* do. so she calls on me and with all my might i cry out
"wilt chamberlain!"
yes...wilt chamberlain, the 7'1" black nba player, not neville chamberlain, a human who looks more like a prune than any other human in history has.
|
said one of hitler's 'friends' slept with 20,000 women
|
calling a notoriously bad prime minister an nba player
|
[
"blah blah few weeks ago not today blah blah...",
"picture the scene, it's an early morning in a",
"history class, my brain is still in a half",
"functioning state. my teach standing up front",
"asks",
"'and who said, 'there shall be peace in our",
"time''",
"enter yours truly, the dumbass, whose hand shoots",
"up 'yeah i goth this, no one else knows but *i*",
"do. so she calls on me and with all my might i",
"cry out",
"\"wilt chamberlain!\"",
"yes...wilt chamberlain, the 7'1\" black nba",
"player, not neville chamberlain, a human who",
"looks more like a prune than any other human in",
"history has."
] |
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'and who said, 'there shall be peace in our up 'yeah i goth this, no one else knows but *i*
|
15 | 7 | 0.95 | 15 |
morning #1 - i awake with a start, my stomach aches that certain ache that means but one thing... no need for coffee to get ol' bowels going. no, it appears i ate far too much last night and things need to clear out to make room to finish digesting. i've been down this road before, i will survive.
atop my morning throne things start with an authoritative burst, i am at the will of my bowels for a few seconds before the seas calm... things hurt a bit. they still do. that was a burst this buttocks was not meant to handle, but in time all wounds heal.
morning #2 - despite my best efforts the stoned munchies won again. i managed to eat a reasonable amount the night before, the memories of the battle lost that morning still fresh in my mind. all i am fighting this morning is a overly gaseous system, or so i thought. as i get up to check the laundry, i fart and take my first step.
oh no. oh no. i run upstairs to change & clean what needs to be cleaned. in my haste i kick a shoe across the room, the bong spills its weeks old water out onto the wood floors.
i am a defeated man.
|
got high, ate too much, pooped too much. got high, ate a little less, sharted and spilled a bong.
|
getting stoned and eating too much two nights in a row...
|
[
"morning #1 - i awake with a start, my stomach",
"aches that certain ache that means but one",
"thing... no need for coffee to get ol' bowels",
"going. no, it appears i ate far too much last",
"night and things need to clear out to make room",
"to finish digesting. i've been down this road",
"before, i will survive.",
"atop my morning throne things start with an",
"authoritative burst, i am at the will of my",
"bowels for a few seconds before the seas calm...",
"things hurt a bit. they still do. that was a",
"burst this buttocks was not meant to handle, but",
"in time all wounds heal.",
"morning #2 - despite my best efforts the stoned",
"munchies won again. i managed to eat a",
"reasonable amount the night before, the memories",
"of the battle lost that morning still fresh in my",
"mind. all i am fighting this morning is a overly",
"gaseous system, or so i thought. as i get up to",
"check the laundry, i fart and take my first step.",
"oh no. oh no. i run upstairs to change & clean",
"what needs to be cleaned. in my haste i kick a",
"shoe across the room, the bong spills its weeks",
"old water out onto the wood floors.",
"i am a defeated man."
] |
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going. no, it appears i ate far too much last i am a defeated man.
|
0 | 4 | 0.43 | 0 |
this is my first post to tifu and i'm on mobile so bear with me and excuse my mistakes. here's the obligatory, this didn't happen today but 2 years ago when i was in 8th grade.
shall we begin:
i was an average kid (13 m) had decent grades and good friends, never got too much into trouble. never had a "serious" girlfriend, or at least as serious as two can be in 8th grade
(oh young love) anyway there was this one girl that id had a little crush on when i met her in 7th grade. she's easily a 10/10 and still is (shes in my chemistry class and were pretty good friends again). i had started to talk to her and we hit it off and in my mind things were going pretty good. she sat with me on the bus everyday, texted me after school, and flirted with me often. so this goes on for a few months and things in my mind are going smooth. one day things changed and here comes the fuck up. so we're texting one day after school and the conversation goes something like this:
me: hey
her: hi
me: whatcha up to
her: nothing much, hbu
me: not much just texting you
her: hey can i ask you something
me: yeah sure
her: why aren't we a couple yet
me: ...idk
her: oh... okay...
those three letters
"idk"
why did i chose to reply that way, idk but i did and it was to late anyway the damage had been done. after that she stopped sitting with me on the bus and texting her became harder with her not being as invested in the conversations.
so there you go reddit that's how i lost my chances with an absolutely gorgeous girl.
|
girl asked me why we werent dating, i replied "idk" proceeded to lose chances with her
|
saying "idk"
|
[
"this is my first post to tifu and i'm on mobile so",
"bear with me and excuse my mistakes. here's the",
"obligatory, this didn't happen today but 2 years",
"ago when i was in 8th grade.",
"shall we begin:",
"i was an average kid (13 m) had decent grades and",
"good friends, never got too much into trouble.",
"never had a \"serious\" girlfriend, or at least as",
"serious as two can be in 8th grade",
"(oh young love) anyway there was this one girl",
"that id had a little crush on when i met her in",
"7th grade. she's easily a 10/10 and still is",
"(shes in my chemistry class and were pretty good",
"friends again). i had started to talk to her and",
"we hit it off and in my mind things were going",
"pretty good. she sat with me on the bus",
"everyday, texted me after school, and flirted",
"with me often. so this goes on for a few months",
"and things in my mind are going smooth. one day",
"things changed and here comes the fuck up. so",
"we're texting one day after school and the",
"conversation goes something like this:",
"me: hey\n\nher: hi",
"me: whatcha up to\n \nher: nothing much, hbu",
"me: not much just texting you",
"her: hey can i ask you something\n\nme: yeah sure",
"her: why aren't we a couple yet\n\nme: ...idk",
"her: oh... okay...",
"those three letters \n\"idk\"",
"why did i chose to reply that way, idk but i did",
"and it was to late anyway the damage had been",
"done. after that she stopped sitting with me on",
"the bus and texting her became harder with her",
"not being as invested in the conversations.",
"so there you go reddit that's how i lost my",
"chances with an absolutely gorgeous girl."
] |
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her: why aren't we a couple yet
me: ...idk chances with an absolutely gorgeous girl.
|
0 | 0 | 0.5 | 0 |
before i begin i'm on mobile so i apologize if this is hard to read.
this happened last summer but whatever. a little backstory. i'm a 16 year old male who tries to stay out of trouble. i'm a good kid i swear, but people around my small town don't think so. you see i was cursed with stoner eyes so obviously, i look like a stoner. anyways i have a friend named troy. troy is not a good kid. he likes to smoke pot and run away from home on a weekly basis. now being the stoner looking kid i am, i got a bad reputation among his family. they all believe that i'm the bad influence and that i'm getting him into that shit. which i'm not. so one day last summer troy and i decide to walk around town. we walk by his grandmother's and invites me in. i'm hesitant as, well his family hates me. he convinces me once he tells me nobody is home. so anyway, jump ahead about ten minutes and we're sitting in his kitchen eating frozen chicken. suddenly we hear a noise at the front door. troy looks at me with a fear in his eyes and says, "get out". now, that was rather sudden so i ask him why. then the door swings open and he quickly just tells me to sit down. now his grandmother is an elderly woman who seemed harmless, but holy shit, i have never been so scared in my life. when she locked eyes with me i swear to god my balls shot in to me like a rabbit to a hole. she began to yell so ferociously at troy i have no idea how he didn't break down. it went a little along the lines of, "how could you let somebody into my house while i'm gone!?"
"i told you i didn't want him around!" anyway she was losing her shit. i was just sitting in the kitchen chair trying to make myself as small as possible when she looks at me. she curled her lip and snarled at me to get out. trust me, i didn't need to be told twice. after that i just walked home going over the string of events in my head. needless to say i'm not allowed back at troy's grandma's.
|
my nice day was thwarted by the screaming banshee.
|
stepping in a crazy lady's house
|
[
"before i begin i'm on mobile so i apologize if",
"this is hard to read.",
"this happened last summer but whatever. a little",
"backstory. i'm a 16 year old male who tries to",
"stay out of trouble. i'm a good kid i swear, but",
"people around my small town don't think so. you",
"see i was cursed with stoner eyes so obviously, i",
"look like a stoner. anyways i have a friend named",
"troy. troy is not a good kid. he likes to smoke",
"pot and run away from home on a weekly basis. now",
"being the stoner looking kid i am, i got a bad",
"reputation among his family. they all believe",
"that i'm the bad influence and that i'm getting",
"him into that shit. which i'm not. so one day",
"last summer troy and i decide to walk around",
"town. we walk by his grandmother's and invites me",
"in. i'm hesitant as, well his family hates me. he",
"convinces me once he tells me nobody is home. so",
"anyway, jump ahead about ten minutes and we're",
"sitting in his kitchen eating frozen chicken.",
"suddenly we hear a noise at the front door. troy",
"looks at me with a fear in his eyes and says,",
"\"get out\". now, that was rather sudden so i ask",
"him why. then the door swings open and he quickly",
"just tells me to sit down. now his grandmother is",
"an elderly woman who seemed harmless, but holy",
"shit, i have never been so scared in my life.",
"when she locked eyes with me i swear to god my",
"balls shot in to me like a rabbit to a hole. she",
"began to yell so ferociously at troy i have no",
"idea how he didn't break down. it went a little",
"along the lines of, \"how could you let somebody",
"into my house while i'm gone!?\"",
"\"i told you i didn't want him around!\" anyway she",
"was losing her shit. i was just sitting in the",
"kitchen chair trying to make myself as small as",
"possible when she looks at me. she curled her lip",
"and snarled at me to get out. trust me, i didn't",
"need to be told twice. after that i just walked",
"home going over the string of events in my head.",
"needless to say i'm not allowed back at troy's",
"grandma's."
] |
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was losing her shit. i was just sitting in the
|
6 | 5 | 0.81 | 6 |
actually it was yesterday. i spent a couple hours in the garden trimming trees, pulling weeds, and pruning shrubs. i had a general idea of what was supposed to stay and what was supposed to go, the weather was beautiful, and i had the energy so i went at it with fierce determination. when i was done i came inside, made dinner, did my usual evening routine and went to bed. this morning i woke up to intense pain and itching in a lot of areas.
|
don't fap if you have poison ivy in your garden.
|
pruning the garden at my new house
|
[
"actually it was yesterday. i spent a couple hours",
"in the garden trimming trees, pulling weeds, and",
"pruning shrubs. i had a general idea of what was",
"supposed to stay and what was supposed to go, the",
"weather was beautiful, and i had the energy so i",
"went at it with fierce determination. when i was",
"done i came inside, made dinner, did my usual",
"evening routine and went to bed. this morning i",
"woke up to intense pain and itching in a lot of",
"areas."
] |
[
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in the garden trimming trees, pulling weeds, and
|
0 | 6 | 0.47 | 0 |
back story : had a successful or high upvoted post a few months ago about buying a bar of chocolate and not having sex due to it. in the comments of that section i explained how i was in college in ireland, and my age. well this is where the fuck up originates.
so i never told anyone (except reddit) the story as i wanted to keep it as a funny story i could tell in a few years when it was less embarrassing, but i forgot that my friends browsed reddit. so i said before that the girl's (who i did end up sleeping with) room mates somehow figured it out, but it seems that the throwaway was kinda pointless. so as you can imagine my friend found out, and supposedly it wasn't hard, but here's the fuck up.
so it was my birthday, and i invited my friends over for a kinda party, but really it was just an excuse to play video games. however my grandparents were also over, along with my parents, and younger siblings. so obviously my friend told the rest of the guys. as a gift from each of them i got all sort of things, from chocolate flavoured lube, to chocolate flavoured condoms, to whatever else you could think of. now it was bad enough my friends giving me these,but then came the k.o, they had bought me a chocolate penis cake, and then decided to tell my parents, and everyone else in the house the story. i'm afraid to check facebook or anything atm.
|
became reddit famous for buying chocolate instead of using my dick, ended up with a chocolate dick.
|
being reddit famous.
|
[
"back story : had a successful or high upvoted post",
"a few months ago about buying a bar of chocolate",
"and not having sex due to it. in the comments of",
"that section i explained how i was in college in",
"ireland, and my age. well this is where the fuck",
"up originates.",
"so i never told anyone (except reddit) the story",
"as i wanted to keep it as a funny story i could",
"tell in a few years when it was less",
"embarrassing, but i forgot that my friends",
"browsed reddit. so i said before that the girl's",
"(who i did end up sleeping with) room mates",
"somehow figured it out, but it seems that the",
"throwaway was kinda pointless. so as you can",
"imagine my friend found out, and supposedly it",
"wasn't hard, but here's the fuck up.",
"so it was my birthday, and i invited my friends",
"over for a kinda party, but really it was just an",
"excuse to play video games. however my",
"grandparents were also over, along with my",
"parents, and younger siblings. so obviously my",
"friend told the rest of the guys. as a gift from",
"each of them i got all sort of things, from",
"chocolate flavoured lube, to chocolate flavoured",
"condoms, to whatever else you could think of. now",
"it was bad enough my friends giving me these,but",
"then came the k.o, they had bought me a chocolate",
"penis cake, and then decided to tell my parents,",
"and everyone else in the house the story. i'm",
"afraid to check facebook or anything atm."
] |
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a few months ago about buying a bar of chocolate grandparents were also over, along with my
|
46 | 56 | 0.79 | 46 |
alright so this all started about a week ago, my friend and i are still in high school on our junior year (11 grade). last year i met this girl through some of my friends but didn't think much of it. 2 weeks ago my best friend met her at some after school activity and they exchanged contact information. so last week my friend saw her and asked me why i never dated her, and i responded with "i don't really know." he proceeds to give me the green light telling me that i should go ask her out on a date and such. i agreed and this is where it all began.
3 days later, i noticed him hanging out with her more than usual, touching/poking her and such. i did not make much of it, as i wanted to believe it was a friendly gesture (boy was i wrong). she treated both of us equally, not hanging out with one person more than another. i got to hang out with her alone and soon started falling in love with her (like teenage boys tend to do).
2 days after that i make plans to go on a date with her alone and she agrees. but suddenly on that same day, he makes plans also and somehow i am invited to come along. i decided to bring her as well, thinking they could leave us alone if i came, but he started talking and flirting to her right in front of me. later on that night i told him to back off and stop cockblocking me if he wanted me to get her that bad. he says sorry and gives the excuse, "i do this with all my friends."
so yesterday night at around 9 he texts me and says that he needs to talk. he gives his whole side of the story and says that he started liking her after he told me to try and date her. my heart starts to heart reading this and i felt bad. i am in an awkward position now because i want my friend to be happy and my crush. after talking for over 6 hours and thinking it through, i thought my crush likes him too, i gave him the green light saying "i'm letting you date her because i trust that you can make her happy."
today, i went to school and feel the anxiety attack of what holds. now every time i see them i start crying and can't be near them anymore. i still like her and want to be with her and make her happy, but i don't want to break a friendship i had since we were kids.
update 1: stopped acting like a pussy to everyone, nobody noticed anymore and life is going back to usual. friend doesn't talk about her much and i don't really see her anymore.
update 2: so i said hi to her after school and told her i'm getting pizza with friends and asked if she wanted to come along. she said she talked to my other friend the other day and he confessed to her his feelings, i go to his house and ask him about her and him and he says he doesn't know what i'm talking about. this is getting awkward... i need to save him the trouble or shit like this will restart again.
update 3: so his amazing plan is to go out with her and stop or friendship from breaking. i don't know if this is going to work but i hope all ends well.
|
friend told me to go date a girl and start falling in love with her, a week later he tells me he likes her too. i said he could have her, now i feel horrible.
|
letting my bestfriend date my crush
|
[
"alright so this all started about a week ago, my",
"friend and i are still in high school on our",
"junior year (11 grade). last year i met this girl",
"through some of my friends but didn't think much",
"of it. 2 weeks ago my best friend met her at some",
"after school activity and they exchanged contact",
"information. so last week my friend saw her and",
"asked me why i never dated her, and i responded",
"with \"i don't really know.\" he proceeds to give",
"me the green light telling me that i should go",
"ask her out on a date and such. i agreed and this",
"is where it all began.",
"3 days later, i noticed him hanging out with her",
"more than usual, touching/poking her and such. i",
"did not make much of it, as i wanted to believe",
"it was a friendly gesture (boy was i wrong). she",
"treated both of us equally, not hanging out with",
"one person more than another. i got to hang out",
"with her alone and soon started falling in love",
"with her (like teenage boys tend to do).",
"2 days after that i make plans to go on a date",
"with her alone and she agrees. but suddenly on",
"that same day, he makes plans also and somehow i",
"am invited to come along. i decided to bring her",
"as well, thinking they could leave us alone if i",
"came, but he started talking and flirting to her",
"right in front of me. later on that night i told",
"him to back off and stop cockblocking me if he",
"wanted me to get her that bad. he says sorry and",
"gives the excuse, \"i do this with all my",
"friends.\"",
"so yesterday night at around 9 he texts me and",
"says that he needs to talk. he gives his whole",
"side of the story and says that he started liking",
"her after he told me to try and date her. my",
"heart starts to heart reading this and i felt",
"bad. i am in an awkward position now because i",
"want my friend to be happy and my crush. after",
"talking for over 6 hours and thinking it through,",
"i thought my crush likes him too, i gave him the",
"green light saying \"i'm letting you date her",
"because i trust that you can make her happy.\"",
"today, i went to school and feel the anxiety",
"attack of what holds. now every time i see them i",
"start crying and can't be near them anymore. i",
"still like her and want to be with her and make",
"her happy, but i don't want to break a friendship",
"i had since we were kids.",
"update 1: stopped acting like a pussy to",
"everyone, nobody noticed anymore and life is",
"going back to usual. friend doesn't talk about",
"her much and i don't really see her anymore.",
"update 2: so i said hi to her after school and",
"told her i'm getting pizza with friends and asked",
"if she wanted to come along. she said she talked",
"to my other friend the other day and he confessed",
"to her his feelings, i go to his house and ask",
"him about her and him and he says he doesn't know",
"what i'm talking about. this is getting",
"awkward... i need to save him the trouble or shit",
"like this will restart again.",
"update 3: so his amazing plan is to go out with",
"her and stop or friendship from breaking. i don't",
"know if this is going to work but i hope all ends",
"well."
] |
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with her alone and soon started falling in love her after he told me to try and date her. my i thought my crush likes him too, i gave him the
|
2 | 1 | 0.75 | 2 |
well like most tifu stories this didn't actually happen today, but it did actually happen this weekend.
*a little back story*
i'm a very social friendly person that can attribute a lot of my current friend to making friends with strangers that i just walked up and started talking to randomly.
*the fuck up*
so this friday night i was out at a local venue for a good friend's birthday. music was great atmosphere was awesome and there were a lot of people that i knew there having a good time. a few of us go out for a smoke just outside of the main door of the bar (no smoking patio) and about 3/4 of the way through the smoke i get approached by a guy asking for a smoke, i give him one and start talking to him (first mistake). after a min or so my friends go back inside and i decided that i wanted to keep chatting with him (second mistake). after a few more min we start talking about weed and he asks if i know where to find any, i tell him that i don't know where he can buy any but i would give him a small bud for free because he seemed cool (third mistake). so we walk like another 10ft away from the main door to the bar and i pull out my bag a half 1/8th max and give him over a 3rd of it with a smile and say enjoy :) at this point his "cousin" comes around the corner and says "where's mine" not being greedy i give him another 3rd of my bag leaving me with a bowl or 2 left; he procedes to get mad that "it wasn't even enough for a blunt" and flashes a gun at me, not wanting to have anything to do with a gun over 20$ worth of pot i give it up and go back inside of the bar... end of story right??? wrong my friends that were waiting for my inside of the door saw that i was mad and asked what happened (worst fuck up of the night) i told them what had happened and they went outside to make sure that he left and didn't cause any more trouble. the rest is kind of a blur but when we went back out there there was 12-14 people with bottles and fists waiting for us... a lot of my friends got hurt (including the one who's birthday it was) in the time it took for the cops to show up and now i can't help but blame myself for the whole thing...
bright side
they all got caught a block away from the bar and no one got hurt that bad...
|
gave away free, pot wasn't enough, got a gun pulled on me and hit in the head with a bottle
|
being generous
|
[
"well like most tifu stories this didn't actually",
"happen today, but it did actually happen this",
"weekend.",
"*a little back story*",
"i'm a very social friendly person that can",
"attribute a lot of my current friend to making",
"friends with strangers that i just walked up and",
"started talking to randomly.",
"*the fuck up*",
"so this friday night i was out at a local venue",
"for a good friend's birthday. music was great",
"atmosphere was awesome and there were a lot of",
"people that i knew there having a good time. a",
"few of us go out for a smoke just outside of the",
"main door of the bar (no smoking patio) and about",
"3/4 of the way through the smoke i get approached",
"by a guy asking for a smoke, i give him one and",
"start talking to him (first mistake). after a min",
"or so my friends go back inside and i decided",
"that i wanted to keep chatting with him (second",
"mistake). after a few more min we start talking",
"about weed and he asks if i know where to find",
"any, i tell him that i don't know where he can",
"buy any but i would give him a small bud for free",
"because he seemed cool (third mistake). so we",
"walk like another 10ft away from the main door to",
"the bar and i pull out my bag a half 1/8th max",
"and give him over a 3rd of it with a smile and",
"say enjoy :) at this point his \"cousin\" comes",
"around the corner and says \"where's mine\" not",
"being greedy i give him another 3rd of my bag",
"leaving me with a bowl or 2 left; he procedes to",
"get mad that \"it wasn't even enough for a blunt\"",
"and flashes a gun at me, not wanting to have",
"anything to do with a gun over 20$ worth of pot i",
"give it up and go back inside of the bar... end",
"of story right??? wrong my friends that were",
"waiting for my inside of the door saw that i was",
"mad and asked what happened (worst fuck up of the",
"night) i told them what had happened and they",
"went outside to make sure that he left and didn't",
"cause any more trouble. the rest is kind of a",
"blur but when we went back out there there was",
"12-14 people with bottles and fists waiting for",
"us... a lot of my friends got hurt (including the",
"one who's birthday it was) in the time it took",
"for the cops to show up and now i can't help but",
"blame myself for the whole thing...",
"bright side",
"they all got caught a block away from the bar and",
"no one got hurt that bad..."
] |
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anything to do with a gun over 20$ worth of pot i they all got caught a block away from the bar and
|
5 | 2 | 0.62 | 5 |
a lighthearted (and salty?) tifu for you all.
i went to the grocery store down the street for lunch the other day, they have a decent "a la carte" section where you can place an order and they'll make it fresh. plus a burger and fries (or onion rings!) are only $3.
important background information: i am located in new england.
i place my order for the burger and the girl asks me what kind of cheese i'd like. i don't see cheddar out where they have the ingredients (and it's better than american, imo) so i ask over the background noise of a busy supermarket and over the loud fans of the grill and food warmers, "do you have cheddar?"
the girl looks at me a little weird and hesitates so i assume they don't and quickly say, "if not, american is fine!" because i hate being one of those pain in the butt overly customized customers.
she just responds, "we do."
so i'm standing around waiting for the burger to cook, twiddling my thumbs and such.
fast forward like 10 minutes when the burger is just about ready, i think it's a little strange that she hasn't put the cheese on the burger while it's on the grill, like you do, so it gets all melty. but i don't care that much.
she takes the burger off and starts assembling it. carries it over the the salad/sandwhich area where the lettuce etc. are. then she sticks her hand into this bin and pulls out a bunch of white crumbly very round balls and pushes them into my burger.
and i'm kinda like *uhhhh*?
but my brain just assumes it might be a weird kind of white cheddar? i mean it almost looks like smartfood.
plus i hate contradicting the people preparing my food so i just take the burger, pay, and walk out.
so i get to the car and sniff/lick check it.
it's not cheddar.
**i have a feta cheeseburger**
now for those of you who are like feta =/= cheddar phonetically, let me remind you i'm a humble new englander with apparently a thicker accent than i thought...
|
feta cheeseburgers are gross and next time i will order a chedd*errrrrrrr* burger**
|
ordering a cheeseburger
|
[
"a lighthearted (and salty?) tifu for you all.",
"i went to the grocery store down the street for",
"lunch the other day, they have a decent \"a la",
"carte\" section where you can place an order and",
"they'll make it fresh. plus a burger and fries",
"(or onion rings!) are only $3.",
"important background information: i am located in",
"new england.",
"i place my order for the burger and the girl asks",
"me what kind of cheese i'd like. i don't see",
"cheddar out where they have the ingredients (and",
"it's better than american, imo) so i ask over the",
"background noise of a busy supermarket and over",
"the loud fans of the grill and food warmers, \"do",
"you have cheddar?\"",
"the girl looks at me a little weird and hesitates",
"so i assume they don't and quickly say, \"if not,",
"american is fine!\" because i hate being one of",
"those pain in the butt overly customized",
"customers.",
"she just responds, \"we do.\"",
"so i'm standing around waiting for the burger to",
"cook, twiddling my thumbs and such.",
"fast forward like 10 minutes when the burger is",
"just about ready, i think it's a little strange",
"that she hasn't put the cheese on the burger",
"while it's on the grill, like you do, so it gets",
"all melty. but i don't care that much.",
"she takes the burger off and starts assembling",
"it. carries it over the the salad/sandwhich area",
"where the lettuce etc. are. then she sticks her",
"hand into this bin and pulls out a bunch of white",
"crumbly very round balls and pushes them into my",
"burger.",
"and i'm kinda like *uhhhh*?",
"but my brain just assumes it might be a weird",
"kind of white cheddar? i mean it almost looks",
"like smartfood.",
"plus i hate contradicting the people preparing my",
"food so i just take the burger, pay, and walk",
"out.",
"so i get to the car and sniff/lick check it.",
"it's not cheddar.",
"**i have a feta cheeseburger**",
"now for those of you who are like feta =/=",
"cheddar phonetically, let me remind you i'm a",
"humble new englander with apparently a thicker",
"accent than i thought..."
] |
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i place my order for the burger and the girl asks **i have a feta cheeseburger**
|
7 | 7 | 1 | 7 |
this actually happened around four years ago.
at the time i was studying on exchange in a small german coastal town. needless to say, it was a long way away from my hometown in sydney. so one day my german roommates took pity on me and decided to buy me a box of unopened (with shells) macadamia nuts to remind me of home.
fast forward a week later and am at my desk trying to write an essay on jane austen out of all things and naturally i'm bored to tears. i've got no smokes left so i'm scanning my desk for something to do and awesome! i spot my macadamia nuts that i had forgotten about. i couldn't be bothered walking to the kitchen so smart-as fuck me decides that the best option is the pair of scissors that i have in my room. sweet!
i grip the macadamia with my thumb and index finger and then use the scissors to hit and jab at the nut, thinking that it will cause it to break open.
it all goes to shit when with one hit i miss the nut, and manage to not only hit the main nerves in my thumb but also break off the main tendon for my thumb as well. mayhem ensues. i can't move my index finger and thumb, i let out a bloodcurdling scream before i go into shock, german roommates rush in, are all efficient as one of them grabs ice and the other rushes me to the hospital in her car.
this is at around 11:30pm and the doctor in the er tells me that they have to quickly do a surgery on my hand to re-tie the tendon and to repair the nerves. they call in one of their best hand doctors (wtf are they called) along with a plastic surgeon and then nonchalantly tell me that the surgery would cost 16,000 euros. lol wtf, umm.
'do you have insurance?'
'i think my australian uni is covering my insurance during my time on exchange?'
'ok. we will call them' (side note: the doctor is hot as fuck here and i realise that i haven't shaved my legs)
'ok, our administrators called them. yes, you are covered. you will not pay anything. your surgery is at 6am tomorrow, you will sleep here.'
the next morning the surgery goes well, i vomit a shitload of anaesthesia out, and then i spend the next 6 months relearning how to use my thumb.
the next christmas i think that i'm gifted a million nutcrackers. oh, and i totally passed that jane austen essay.
for those curious, here are old photos of my thumb progress: http://i.imgur.com/g3jvywy.jpghttp://i.imgur.com/6tz9hw6.jpg
|
tried to open a macadamia nut. ended up with a 16,000 euro hand operation. thumb lyf
|
trying to open a nut with scissors
|
[
"this actually happened around four years ago.",
"at the time i was studying on exchange in a small",
"german coastal town. needless to say, it was a",
"long way away from my hometown in sydney. so one",
"day my german roommates took pity on me and",
"decided to buy me a box of unopened (with shells)",
"macadamia nuts to remind me of home.",
"fast forward a week later and am at my desk",
"trying to write an essay on jane austen out of",
"all things and naturally i'm bored to tears. i've",
"got no smokes left so i'm scanning my desk for",
"something to do and awesome! i spot my macadamia",
"nuts that i had forgotten about. i couldn't be",
"bothered walking to the kitchen so smart-as fuck",
"me decides that the best option is the pair of",
"scissors that i have in my room. sweet!",
"i grip the macadamia with my thumb and index",
"finger and then use the scissors to hit and jab",
"at the nut, thinking that it will cause it to",
"break open.",
"it all goes to shit when with one hit i miss the",
"nut, and manage to not only hit the main nerves",
"in my thumb but also break off the main tendon",
"for my thumb as well. mayhem ensues. i can't move",
"my index finger and thumb, i let out a",
"bloodcurdling scream before i go into shock,",
"german roommates rush in, are all efficient as",
"one of them grabs ice and the other rushes me to",
"the hospital in her car.",
"this is at around 11:30pm and the doctor in the",
"er tells me that they have to quickly do a",
"surgery on my hand to re-tie the tendon and to",
"repair the nerves. they call in one of their best",
"hand doctors (wtf are they called) along with a",
"plastic surgeon and then nonchalantly tell me",
"that the surgery would cost 16,000 euros. lol",
"wtf, umm.",
"'do you have insurance?'",
"'i think my australian uni is covering my",
"insurance during my time on exchange?'",
"'ok. we will call them' (side note: the doctor is",
"hot as fuck here and i realise that i haven't",
"shaved my legs)",
"'ok, our administrators called them. yes, you are",
"covered. you will not pay anything. your surgery",
"is at 6am tomorrow, you will sleep here.'",
"the next morning the surgery goes well, i vomit a",
"shitload of anaesthesia out, and then i spend the",
"next 6 months relearning how to use my thumb.",
"the next christmas i think that i'm gifted a",
"million nutcrackers. oh, and i totally passed",
"that jane austen essay.",
"for those curious, here are old photos of my",
"thumb progress:",
"http://i.imgur.com/g3jvywy.jpghttp://i.imgur.com/",
"6tz9hw6.jpg"
] |
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macadamia nuts to remind me of home. hand doctors (wtf are they called) along with a
|
4 | 1 | 1 | 4 |
so i went into the local dentist's office today for my half-year checkup. i've been going to this place for about fifteen years, ever since i was a kid. the staff has always been friendly, and every past appointment has gone without a hitch.
it's pretty standard stuff. after they use the little tool to scrape your teeth, gums, and so on, they usually put this mouthpiece in that contains a flavored fluoride paste. they let it sit in your mouth for about ten minutes to let the cleaning stuff work, then come back in and remove it.
well, today i was sitting there with the mouthpiece in and just breathing in and out. but after a moment my nose started running (a common scenario since i'm allergic to pretty much everything on the planet). i wiped the snot away with my hand, then used the bib/apron/whatever you call that thing to mop it up. in my infinite wisdom, i then decided to turn on the little faucet that they let you use to rinse your mouth out at the end.
i managed to get the rest of the snot off my hand, but there are two problems with my dentist's faucet/sink. 1) the drain needs to be activated manually, and 2) it's old as shit so it doesn't exactly function well. so after i wash off my hand, the faucet is still pumping out water, and it's not draining.
i tried to push the button next to the one i used to turn it on. seems logical that the off switch would be next to the on switch, right? well, i'm pressing and pressing this button and the faucet keeps going. so my first instinct is to call for help, but this fluoride thing is still in my mouth and i'm not sure if removing it will fuck up the process or something.
so i'm left there in the dentist's room, frantically yelling "mmmmmph! mmmmmph!" and hoping someone will notice. no one did. so i just watch this thing keep filling up until it starts to overflow.
about five minutes later the dentist comes in to check on me and the sink is spilling over onto the floor. it's not too bad but the floor is getting pretty soaked. the dentist flicks a switch on the wall and the drain does its thing, then she clicks another button on the sink and the faucet stops.
they told me later that no crucial equipment was damaged, but they did have an old radio sitting on the floor that got pretty fried. they basically laughed it off, but i'm not looking forward to going in there the next time and being being remembered as the dumbass who let the sink overflow.
|
i decided to use my dentist's old, creaky sink to wash off my hands. sink wouldn't turn off; fluoride mouthpiece prevented me from being able to call out for help. watched stupidly as sink overflowed.
|
flooding my dentist's office
|
[
"so i went into the local dentist's office today",
"for my half-year checkup. i've been going to this",
"place for about fifteen years, ever since i was a",
"kid. the staff has always been friendly, and",
"every past appointment has gone without a hitch.",
"it's pretty standard stuff. after they use the",
"little tool to scrape your teeth, gums, and so",
"on, they usually put this mouthpiece in that",
"contains a flavored fluoride paste. they let it",
"sit in your mouth for about ten minutes to let",
"the cleaning stuff work, then come back in and",
"remove it.",
"well, today i was sitting there with the",
"mouthpiece in and just breathing in and out. but",
"after a moment my nose started running (a common",
"scenario since i'm allergic to pretty much",
"everything on the planet). i wiped the snot away",
"with my hand, then used the bib/apron/whatever",
"you call that thing to mop it up. in my infinite",
"wisdom, i then decided to turn on the little",
"faucet that they let you use to rinse your mouth",
"out at the end.",
"i managed to get the rest of the snot off my",
"hand, but there are two problems with my",
"dentist's faucet/sink. 1) the drain needs to be",
"activated manually, and 2) it's old as shit so it",
"doesn't exactly function well. so after i wash",
"off my hand, the faucet is still pumping out",
"water, and it's not draining.",
"i tried to push the button next to the one i used",
"to turn it on. seems logical that the off switch",
"would be next to the on switch, right? well, i'm",
"pressing and pressing this button and the faucet",
"keeps going. so my first instinct is to call for",
"help, but this fluoride thing is still in my",
"mouth and i'm not sure if removing it will fuck",
"up the process or something.",
"so i'm left there in the dentist's room,",
"frantically yelling \"mmmmmph! mmmmmph!\" and",
"hoping someone will notice. no one did. so i just",
"watch this thing keep filling up until it starts",
"to overflow.",
"about five minutes later the dentist comes in to",
"check on me and the sink is spilling over onto",
"the floor. it's not too bad but the floor is",
"getting pretty soaked. the dentist flicks a",
"switch on the wall and the drain does its thing,",
"then she clicks another button on the sink and",
"the faucet stops.",
"they told me later that no crucial equipment was",
"damaged, but they did have an old radio sitting",
"on the floor that got pretty fried. they",
"basically laughed it off, but i'm not looking",
"forward to going in there the next time and being",
"being remembered as the dumbass who let the sink",
"overflow."
] |
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wisdom, i then decided to turn on the little off my hand, the faucet is still pumping out keeps going. so my first instinct is to call for help, but this fluoride thing is still in my being remembered as the dumbass who let the sink
|
6 | 6 | 0.86 | 6 |
right, this is killing me. it happened today and basically i can't sleep cos the anxiety and stress is playing on my mind.
i have a massive social anxiety problem along with a few other mental health issues. i can't talk around others very well, and i never leave the house for social events or have any sort of friendships in the real world. i'm a loser.
i also work in a school as a learning support assistant.
today we had an inset day where the staff all go in and do boring school evaluation things and get given policies.
it's lunch time, and every table has some one on it, fuck. i have to sit next to people.
i go over to a table with the fewest people on it and awkwardly perch on the corner whilst apologising. the table has got a few senior members of staff and a ta i vaguely remember from last term.
after a while i settle down and start listening in to their conversation. they're talking about something on the news.
i have a really good news story thing! i excitedly thought to myself.
here's the fuck up... i then decide during a lull in their convo to chip in my little story:
'i once heared my own name on the news! it was really strange! but it wasn't actually me, it was just another person called -(my name)- that drowned her baby in a bath tub. '
cue terrible silence and looks of horror.
'it really wasn't me, i swear! she just lived in the next city across, so it was local news.'
the exchanged awkward glances continue.
'that black guy was the host, he said my name!'
i'm growing red now, as i realise that my story wasn't really very good, or even appropriate for a primary school setting... and i just said the words 'that black guy'.
i mumbled an excuse and left to go outside for a second. had a panic atrack for being such a massive fucktard at work.
fyi: i'm really not racist, i'm just not good at being politically correct all the time. and i honestly didn't murder a child in a bathtub.
|
attempted to join in a conversation with senior members of staff at work, accidently said that a black guy mentioned my name was on the news for drowning a child in a bathtub.
|
accidently making myself seem like a child killing rasist in a school.
|
[
"right, this is killing me. it happened today and",
"basically i can't sleep cos the anxiety and",
"stress is playing on my mind.",
"i have a massive social anxiety problem along",
"with a few other mental health issues. i can't",
"talk around others very well, and i never leave",
"the house for social events or have any sort of",
"friendships in the real world. i'm a loser.",
"i also work in a school as a learning support",
"assistant.",
"today we had an inset day where the staff all go",
"in and do boring school evaluation things and get",
"given policies.",
"it's lunch time, and every table has some one on",
"it, fuck. i have to sit next to people.",
"i go over to a table with the fewest people on",
"it and awkwardly perch on the corner whilst",
"apologising. the table has got a few senior",
"members of staff and a ta i vaguely remember from",
"last term.",
"after a while i settle down and start listening",
"in to their conversation. they're talking about",
"something on the news.",
"i have a really good news story thing! i",
"excitedly thought to myself.",
"here's the fuck up... i then decide during a lull",
"in their convo to chip in my little story:",
"'i once heared my own name on the news! it was",
"really strange! but it wasn't actually me, it",
"was just another person called -(my name)- that",
"drowned her baby in a bath tub. '",
"cue terrible silence and looks of horror.",
"'it really wasn't me, i swear! she just lived in",
"the next city across, so it was local news.'",
"the exchanged awkward glances continue.",
"'that black guy was the host, he said my name!'",
"i'm growing red now, as i realise that my story",
"wasn't really very good, or even appropriate for",
"a primary school setting... and i just said the",
"words 'that black guy'.",
"i mumbled an excuse and left to go outside for a",
"second. had a panic atrack for being such a",
"massive fucktard at work.",
"fyi: i'm really not racist, i'm just not good at",
"being politically correct all the time. and i",
"honestly didn't murder a child in a bathtub."
] |
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something on the news. 'that black guy was the host, he said my name!' massive fucktard at work. honestly didn't murder a child in a bathtub.
|
3 | 2 | 1 | 3 |
tifu i'm 15 and being the middle child i always got blamed for everything that goes wrong which is why i find myself outside and all.money is an extremely big problem for me.literally!so today i was watching a movie on the tv like always and there's always a aux cord hanging out of my speakers.i live in a gang populated area and it is really messed up here.my next door neighbour is affiliated with a gang so she has people come over once in a while.my older brother listens to songs made by the rappers in our area.this is where it went wrong we had an old blackberry sitting around and my little brother took the phone and pressed shuffle while on aux in a gang populated area .he knows i tell him not to listen to those songs at his age and i've tried deleting it numerous times.my mom knows this but my little brother wants to feel big because we have phones and listen to music so every time i try to delete the songs my moms like he's gonna end up crying .....! so today when the song was super loud and there was a party next door i was scared and quickly pulled out the power for the a/v system.i then gave my brother a little hit like it was the slightest tap and he goes screaming to my mom.my mom is already stressed because money and a lot of other reason that she gets mad at me and throws a cup towards me.i was able to quickly dodge it so the flying cup that was heavy hit the tv.now the tv is broken and it is fairly new.sony isn't going to offer a warranty replacement neither am i going to be replacing it because again money and it cost a lot more then getting a new one.
so now i'm here waiting for my dad who doesn't know that the living room tv is broken.
i'm going to get blamed for this obviously but hopefully it's not to bad.
any advice ,comments,and motivation to stay strong is welcome!!
|
little brother playing the wrong music in a gang area and yells when i confront him ending up in a cup thrown at me leading to a broken tv.
|
being the middle child
|
[
"tifu i'm 15 and being the middle child i always",
"got blamed for everything that goes wrong which",
"is why i find myself outside and all.money is an",
"extremely big problem for me.literally!so today i",
"was watching a movie on the tv like always and",
"there's always a aux cord hanging out of my",
"speakers.i live in a gang populated area and it",
"is really messed up here.my next door neighbour",
"is affiliated with a gang so she has people come",
"over once in a while.my older brother listens to",
"songs made by the rappers in our area.this is",
"where it went wrong we had an old blackberry",
"sitting around and my little brother took the",
"phone and pressed shuffle while on aux in a gang",
"populated area .he knows i tell him not to listen",
"to those songs at his age and i've tried deleting",
"it numerous times.my mom knows this but my little",
"brother wants to feel big because we have phones",
"and listen to music so every time i try to delete",
"the songs my moms like he's gonna end up crying",
".....! so today when the song was super loud and",
"there was a party next door i was scared and",
"quickly pulled out the power for the a/v system.i",
"then gave my brother a little hit like it was the",
"slightest tap and he goes screaming to my mom.my",
"mom is already stressed because money and a lot",
"of other reason that she gets mad at me and",
"throws a cup towards me.i was able to quickly",
"dodge it so the flying cup that was heavy hit the",
"tv.now the tv is broken and it is fairly new.sony",
"isn't going to offer a warranty replacement",
"neither am i going to be replacing it because",
"again money and it cost a lot more then getting a",
"new one.",
"so now i'm here waiting for my dad who doesn't",
"know that the living room tv is broken.",
"i'm going to get blamed for this obviously but",
"hopefully it's not to bad.",
"any advice ,comments,and motivation to stay",
"strong is welcome!!"
] |
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speakers.i live in a gang populated area and it sitting around and my little brother took the populated area .he knows i tell him not to listen
|
0 | 2 | 0.4 | 0 |
throwaway because my main account has a video of me and i really do not want to advertise my secret identity as the dude who gave himself a hickie.
for starters, i did not just suck on my arm like that. okay maybe i did because i was alone and bored, and if you really knew me, you'd know how i get when i'm bored. so i sucked on my arm. then later in the shower, there it was.
|
sucked on my own arm because i was bored and gave myself a hickie.
|
giving myself a hickie
|
[
"throwaway because my main account has a video of",
"me and i really do not want to advertise my",
"secret identity as the dude who gave himself a",
"hickie.",
"for starters, i did not just suck on my arm like",
"that. okay maybe i did because i was alone and",
"bored, and if you really knew me, you'd know how",
"i get when i'm bored. so i sucked on my arm. then",
"later in the shower, there it was."
] |
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that. okay maybe i did because i was alone and i get when i'm bored. so i sucked on my arm. then
|
7 | 10 | 0.75 | 7 |
so, as is often the case here, my fuck up didn't happen today, but it was yesterday.
so, i recently created a tinder profile (not to much success). yesterday i got a match that seemed pretty cool. attractive person, personality seemed solid. we had a lot of the same interests. eventually, hobbies came up, and so did videogames. i found out that we both very much enjoy left 4 dead 2. i added her on steam and waited until she was ready to play a round. the match was going pretty well, until we encountered a witch. for a while we avoided it since it wasn't in the way. the match and i are both in college, so there's a shit internet connection. she mentioned that fucking [network name] is laggy as balls. i go to crown the witch with my shotgun, but i hadn't played l4d2 for a while and got downed by the witch since my skills are apparently gone. match disconnects from the game. wait 5 minutes to see if she is coming back. still offline. i go to tinder to message her and ask if her internet is down, only to find that i have been unmatched. i am pretty sure i have reached a new level of virginity.
|
played videogames with tinder match. got cockblocked by zombies.
|
startling the witch.
|
[
"so, as is often the case here, my fuck up didn't",
"happen today, but it was yesterday.",
"so, i recently created a tinder profile (not to",
"much success). yesterday i got a match that",
"seemed pretty cool. attractive person,",
"personality seemed solid. we had a lot of the",
"same interests. eventually, hobbies came up, and",
"so did videogames. i found out that we both very",
"much enjoy left 4 dead 2. i added her on steam",
"and waited until she was ready to play a round.",
"the match was going pretty well, until we",
"encountered a witch. for a while we avoided it",
"since it wasn't in the way. the match and i are",
"both in college, so there's a shit internet",
"connection. she mentioned that fucking [network",
"name] is laggy as balls. i go to crown the witch",
"with my shotgun, but i hadn't played l4d2 for a",
"while and got downed by the witch since my skills",
"are apparently gone. match disconnects from the",
"game. wait 5 minutes to see if she is coming",
"back. still offline. i go to tinder to message",
"her and ask if her internet is down, only to find",
"that i have been unmatched. i am pretty sure i",
"have reached a new level of virginity."
] |
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much success). yesterday i got a match that with my shotgun, but i hadn't played l4d2 for a
|
1 | 3 | 0.67 | 1 |
a lil background info first: there's a guy at my school who i have a huge crush on (i'm a dude btw), and he likes me too.
fu: he asked me if i could stay after school to hang out for a few minutes, to which i eagerly accepted. we talked for about 10-15 minutes before he said he had to go to an after school club meeting. we hugged and went out separate ways. well he texts me a few minutes later (i'm home by now) asking if i was still at school. i tell him no and ask him why, and he said he wanted go make out. damnit
|
- missed my chance to make out with my crush
|
not staying after school
|
[
"a lil background info first: there's a guy at my",
"school who i have a huge crush on (i'm a dude",
"btw), and he likes me too.",
"fu: he asked me if i could stay after school to",
"hang out for a few minutes, to which i eagerly",
"accepted. we talked for about 10-15 minutes",
"before he said he had to go to an after school",
"club meeting. we hugged and went out separate",
"ways. well he texts me a few minutes later (i'm",
"home by now) asking if i was still at school. i",
"tell him no and ask him why, and he said he",
"wanted go make out. damnit"
] |
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wanted go make out. damnit
|
8 | 9 | 0.9 | 8 |
so, unlike most tifu's, this one happened earlier today. i run cross country at my high school, and i sometimes get home later in the day. yesterday was one of those days. my mom was gone at a soccer tournament with my brother, and my dad was at work, so my mom had a babysitter watch my younger siblings when i was at cross country. she's a senior in college, and i know for a fact she has a sister who's a sophomore in college, and a younger brother who's age i didn't know. when my mom got home with my brother, she paid the babysitter, and the day finished normally. so far, so good.
today at cross country, after my run, i saw a freshman on the team who's last name was the same as the babysitter's. i wasn't sure if he was related to the babysitter, and for some stupid reason, i decided to find out.
here's where the fu happens. i go over to the kid, and asked him his last name. he confirms that he shares his last name with the babysitter, and i thought i could actually confirm they were related. but instead of just directly asking him if he was the babysitter's brother, i ask him, "do you have any sisters?". he says he has two, and i decide i need one last piece of info, just to be sure. so i ask him "how old are they?". he gave me a funny look, and i almost shit myself when he responded with, "5 and 11. why are you asking me this?". in shock, i just said, "umm... nothing.", and i walked away. that kid looked mildly freaked out, so i stayed away from him for the rest of practice.
|
i thought i knew a kid's sister, asked questions about her, and he ended up thinking i was a rapist or something.
|
accidentally making a kid think i'm interested in his sisters.
|
[
"so, unlike most tifu's, this one happened earlier",
"today. i run cross country at my high school, and",
"i sometimes get home later in the day. yesterday",
"was one of those days. my mom was gone at a",
"soccer tournament with my brother, and my dad was",
"at work, so my mom had a babysitter watch my",
"younger siblings when i was at cross country.",
"she's a senior in college, and i know for a fact",
"she has a sister who's a sophomore in college,",
"and a younger brother who's age i didn't know.",
"when my mom got home with my brother, she paid",
"the babysitter, and the day finished normally. so",
"far, so good.",
"today at cross country, after my run, i saw a",
"freshman on the team who's last name was the same",
"as the babysitter's. i wasn't sure if he was",
"related to the babysitter, and for some stupid",
"reason, i decided to find out.",
"here's where the fu happens. i go over to the",
"kid, and asked him his last name. he confirms",
"that he shares his last name with the babysitter,",
"and i thought i could actually confirm they were",
"related. but instead of just directly asking him",
"if he was the babysitter's brother, i ask him,",
"\"do you have any sisters?\". he says he has two,",
"and i decide i need one last piece of info, just",
"to be sure. so i ask him \"how old are they?\". he",
"gave me a funny look, and i almost shit myself",
"when he responded with, \"5 and 11. why are you",
"asking me this?\". in shock, i just said, \"umm...",
"nothing.\", and i walked away. that kid looked",
"mildly freaked out, so i stayed away from him for",
"the rest of practice."
] |
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younger siblings when i was at cross country. she has a sister who's a sophomore in college, and i thought i could actually confirm they were
|
3 | 5 | 0.8 | 3 |
obligatory "this didn't happen today", but actually a few months ago.
this started probably in october of last year, we travelled from where we live to visit my friends parents, my friend had lived with me at one point so our families are pretty close. his dad has a really sweet man cave, complete with pool table, air hockey, darts, etc. we had been drinking, and eventually his dad told us to rack the table, he was going to go for a smoke, he never came back, and the next morning i called him a bitch for bailing on us.
flash forward to february, we were going back up to his parents place for a part, i invited the girl i was into, and by all accounts it was going to be a good night. we got there, started to drink, and soon enough my friends dad and i began doing some shots. eventually he asked if we wanted to get high, which we did, or so him and i thought everyone did. his dad rolled us a joint (supposed to be for 5-8 people) and only him and i smoked it. now being high and drunk, his dad wants to show me this cool bottle he brought back from lithuania, to which i asked if we could drink, and promptly finished the bottle. i ended up being really sick, as the next morning i found out that it was lithuanian moonshine, and i drank a lot of it really quick.
as i was throwing up in the toilet, i can remember my friends dad standing over top of me asking me "who's the bitch now stoked13, who's the bitch now!?".
needless to say, i was. the girl wasn't pleased and though we still talk from time to time, nothing happened, except for a pretty good revenge story from my friends dad. since then we've both drank and not hated each other.
|
friends dad went to bed early, i called him a bitch. next time we drank he got me way to drunk, and asked who the bitch was now as i was puking.**
|
calling making fun of my friends dad
|
[
"obligatory \"this didn't happen today\", but",
"actually a few months ago.",
"this started probably in october of last year, we",
"travelled from where we live to visit my friends",
"parents, my friend had lived with me at one point",
"so our families are pretty close. his dad has a",
"really sweet man cave, complete with pool table,",
"air hockey, darts, etc. we had been drinking, and",
"eventually his dad told us to rack the table, he",
"was going to go for a smoke, he never came back,",
"and the next morning i called him a bitch for",
"bailing on us.",
"flash forward to february, we were going back up",
"to his parents place for a part, i invited the",
"girl i was into, and by all accounts it was going",
"to be a good night. we got there, started to",
"drink, and soon enough my friends dad and i began",
"doing some shots. eventually he asked if we",
"wanted to get high, which we did, or so him and i",
"thought everyone did. his dad rolled us a joint",
"(supposed to be for 5-8 people) and only him and",
"i smoked it. now being high and drunk, his dad",
"wants to show me this cool bottle he brought back",
"from lithuania, to which i asked if we could",
"drink, and promptly finished the bottle. i ended",
"up being really sick, as the next morning i found",
"out that it was lithuanian moonshine, and i drank",
"a lot of it really quick.",
"as i was throwing up in the toilet, i can",
"remember my friends dad standing over top of me",
"asking me \"who's the bitch now stoked13, who's",
"the bitch now!?\".",
"needless to say, i was. the girl wasn't pleased",
"and though we still talk from time to time,",
"nothing happened, except for a pretty good",
"revenge story from my friends dad. since then",
"we've both drank and not hated each other."
] |
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and the next morning i called him a bitch for as i was throwing up in the toilet, i can remember my friends dad standing over top of me the bitch now!?".
|
7 | 11 | 0.74 | 7 |
this just happened over the course of the past hour. i am a pc gamer and i love to play counter strike: global offensive. maybe a little too much... i was ecstatic when i received my first knife in cs:go, a gut knife slaughter. i traded it to a butterfly urban masked (should've stopped there lol), traded *that* to a fac new gut knife doppler, then traded ***that*** to my most recent knife, a minimal wear scorched butterfly knife... this is where my fuck-up occurred...
now that i was quite addicted to trading, selling, and using knives on counter strike, i wanted to sell this one in hopes of turning a profit, and getting real money to buy another knife! i put an offer up on a trading website and got a message today from a guy named flick. checked him out on a website that does a quick "background check" of sorts on your profile to see if you have been vac banned, if their friends have been banned, stuff like that. i vaguely remember seeing a likke warning of sorts but, like the stupid person i am, i ignored it... we talk for a while and finally decide that we will trade the knife for bitcoins. i heard that is relatively safe and scam-proof so i go ahead and say yes while i set up a bitcoin wallet. he gives me a dollar to "prove" that he has money (how does a dollar prove anything anyways), and i ask him to give me $45 as security, i trade the knife, then another $45. he declines. i proceed. i degrade...
so i have a *whole dollar* in my wallet now and i invite this... scum to a trade! stupid me goes along and presses accept while i unknowingly kiss my knife *and my money* goodbye. i ask what the hold up is, and he complains that its hard to converse on steam chat... so he asks me what my skype name is. i respond. he, however (and not too surprisingly) does not. i take a look at his inventory; "hey, where'd the knife go? he traded it that fast?" i start to send some more steam messages, [no reply...](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hwjrvmcdvc&#t=0m46sc) so to test if he has blocked me, i attempt to send a trade request... "flick is not available to trade. more information will be shown to flick if they invite you to trade." fuckkkkkk...
so i accepted my fate, i will have to save up to buy another knife, however long that'll take. thank you for reading through my ridiculous fuck-up and i hope this doesn't happen to anyone who reads this, because no one should be as stupid as i am!
|
went full retard, traded a knife to a scammer who then blocked me... fun!!
|
getting scammed online.
|
[
"this just happened over the course of the past",
"hour. i am a pc gamer and i love to play counter",
"strike: global offensive. maybe a little too",
"much... i was ecstatic when i received my first",
"knife in cs:go, a gut knife slaughter. i traded",
"it to a butterfly urban masked (should've stopped",
"there lol), traded *that* to a fac new gut knife",
"doppler, then traded ***that*** to my most recent",
"knife, a minimal wear scorched butterfly knife...",
"this is where my fuck-up occurred...",
"now that i was quite addicted to trading,",
"selling, and using knives on counter strike, i",
"wanted to sell this one in hopes of turning a",
"profit, and getting real money to buy another",
"knife! i put an offer up on a trading website and",
"got a message today from a guy named flick.",
"checked him out on a website that does a quick",
"\"background check\" of sorts on your profile to",
"see if you have been vac banned, if their friends",
"have been banned, stuff like that. i vaguely",
"remember seeing a likke warning of sorts but,",
"like the stupid person i am, i ignored it... we",
"talk for a while and finally decide that we will",
"trade the knife for bitcoins. i heard that is",
"relatively safe and scam-proof so i go ahead and",
"say yes while i set up a bitcoin wallet. he gives",
"me a dollar to \"prove\" that he has money (how",
"does a dollar prove anything anyways), and i ask",
"him to give me $45 as security, i trade the",
"knife, then another $45. he declines. i proceed.",
"i degrade...",
"so i have a *whole dollar* in my wallet now",
"and i invite this... scum to a trade! stupid me",
"goes along and presses accept while i unknowingly",
"kiss my knife *and my money* goodbye. i ask what",
"the hold up is, and he complains that its hard to",
"converse on steam chat... so he asks me what my",
"skype name is. i respond. he, however (and not",
"too surprisingly) does not. i take a look at his",
"inventory; \"hey, where'd the knife go? he traded",
"it that fast?\" i start to send some more steam",
"messages, [no",
"reply...](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hwjrvmc",
"dvc&#t=0m46sc)",
"so to test if he has blocked me, i attempt to",
"send a trade request... \"flick is not available",
"to trade. more information will be shown to flick",
"if they invite you to trade.\" fuckkkkkk...",
"so i accepted my fate, i will have to save up",
"to buy another knife, however long that'll take.",
"thank you for reading through my ridiculous",
"fuck-up and i hope this doesn't happen to anyone",
"who reads this, because no one should be as",
"stupid as i am!"
] |
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there lol), traded *that* to a fac new gut knife so to test if he has blocked me, i attempt to
|
6 | 8 | 1 | 6 |
i've known this girl since we were kids and let's just say puberty did wonders when she got in college. i got a date with her, we go out have a good time and start hanging out at her apartment in her room. it was late and we starting making out and i told her before we started making out that i needed to leave soon because i had to be at work extremely early the next day. so trying to be james bond i thought in my mind "i'll just give her a taste of me for 5 to 10 minutes and then next time we hang out she'll be dying to.." i left, fast forward to now and she won't hang out with me anymore haha.
|
don't think you're james bond when it comes to women.
|
leaving her apartment early...
|
[
"i've known this girl since we were kids and let's",
"just say puberty did wonders when she got in",
"college. i got a date with her, we go out have a",
"good time and start hanging out at her apartment",
"in her room. it was late and we starting making",
"out and i told her before we started making out",
"that i needed to leave soon because i had to be",
"at work extremely early the next day. so trying",
"to be james bond i thought in my mind \"i'll just",
"give her a taste of me for 5 to 10 minutes and",
"then next time we hang out she'll be dying to..\"",
"i left, fast forward to now and she won't hang",
"out with me anymore haha."
] |
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to be james bond i thought in my mind "i'll just
|
4 | 6 | 0.7 | 4 |
well tifu. this happened over the last few days but today i got the big news. so it started with me moving in on sunday into university residence, and i had been having panic attacks and anxiety leading up to it. that night, i felt really bad, so i called the community adviser on call and they came up to talk to me. i told them i was really anxious and suicidal, they called the residence manager on call and we talked. i calmed down and things were fine. the next night i couldn't sleep, so i took some shots hoping it would make me fall asleep. i blacked out and went to the bathroom in the hall, and on my way back i fell. campus first aid people were called and the residence manager was called, and they called my dad to pick me up. this morning i had a meeting with my residence manager and the head of housing, who informed me i was too much of a strain on reasources and they couldn't handle me, and that i would have to move back home for a while to get shit together and then be moved into another building. i fucked up. so bad. i hate myself and want to die. my residence was one of the nicer ones too.
they're also making me reduce my course load which i don't want to do and they've set up an appointment with a mental health nurse to assess when i can come back to campus.
|
my mental illness got me kicked out of residence
|
getting kicked out of residence
|
[
"well tifu. this happened over the last few days",
"but today i got the big news. so it started with",
"me moving in on sunday into university residence,",
"and i had been having panic attacks and anxiety",
"leading up to it. that night, i felt really bad,",
"so i called the community adviser on call and",
"they came up to talk to me. i told them i was",
"really anxious and suicidal, they called the",
"residence manager on call and we talked. i",
"calmed down and things were fine. the next night",
"i couldn't sleep, so i took some shots hoping it",
"would make me fall asleep. i blacked out and",
"went to the bathroom in the hall, and on my way",
"back i fell. campus first aid people were called",
"and the residence manager was called, and they",
"called my dad to pick me up. this morning i had",
"a meeting with my residence manager and the head",
"of housing, who informed me i was too much of a",
"strain on reasources and they couldn't handle me,",
"and that i would have to move back home for a",
"while to get shit together and then be moved into",
"another building. i fucked up. so bad. i hate",
"myself and want to die. my residence was one of",
"the nicer ones too.",
"they're also making me reduce my course load",
"which i don't want to do and they've set up an",
"appointment with a mental health nurse to assess",
"when i can come back to campus."
] |
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myself and want to die. my residence was one of
|
43 | 6 | 0.94 | 43 |
i attend a relatively large university. as such, we have a pretty sizable cafeteria, and professors can often be seen getting food and mingling students there.
also, we have a cool little ice cream bar where you can get soft serve ice cream or scoop it from buckets like you see at ben and jerry's or coldstone creamery or pretty much any ice cream place you can think of.
well, today at lunch, one of my friends came back to the table with a bowl of ice cream. not just any ice cream, but a bowl of that glorious birthday cake ice cream. obviously, i had no choice. i had to get some of this heavenly gift for myself.
as i approached the ice cream bar, an older gentleman began approaching as well. i didn't take the time to really look at him, i was in a hurry to get the ice cream and get back to the table.
as i was scooping it, i realized the elderly gentleman was standing over my shoulder, watching me scoop out ice cream like a vulture. it occurred to me that he likely wanted some birthday cake ice cream as well, and i was probably taking an excruciatingly long time to scoop ice cream into my cup. upon realizing this, i opened my mouth to say "sorry sir," but before i could finish, saliva slips down my tongue as i make my "s" sound, and drops down into the bucket of ice cream.
this wasn't a few speckles mind you, this was a ginormous, disgusting dollop of my drool, sliding down my tongue and rolling out of my mouth like a child joyously flying out of a giant water slide into a pool.
how this happened, i still don't know. but time seemed to shift into slow motion as it slid down and fell through the air to the ice cream below. i made a vain attempt to suck up the drool before it fell, but ended up just looking even more like a neanderthal than i had previously. it was too late. it collapsed and splattered in the bucket of ice cream.
i stared at the ice cream in shock for a couple of seconds while the man continued to loom over my shoulder like a beacon of death. i desperately began scraping up all the ice cream that it had landed on while repeating apologies to the man, after which i turned to look at him and apologize one last time.
as i turned, my heart sunk. i blinked a couple of times in total silence as he forced a smile at me. this was one of my professors, and i had pretty much just spit in the ice cream he was about to get.
|
, went to get ice cream at the caf, one of my professors also wanted some, and i accidentally spit all over it.
|
getting ice cream at the cafeteria
|
[
"i attend a relatively large university. as such,",
"we have a pretty sizable cafeteria, and",
"professors can often be seen getting food and",
"mingling students there.",
"also, we have a cool little ice cream bar where",
"you can get soft serve ice cream or scoop it from",
"buckets like you see at ben and jerry's or",
"coldstone creamery or pretty much any ice cream",
"place you can think of.",
"well, today at lunch, one of my friends came back",
"to the table with a bowl of ice cream. not just",
"any ice cream, but a bowl of that glorious",
"birthday cake ice cream. obviously, i had no",
"choice. i had to get some of this heavenly gift",
"for myself.",
"as i approached the ice cream bar, an older",
"gentleman began approaching as well. i didn't",
"take the time to really look at him, i was in a",
"hurry to get the ice cream and get back to the",
"table.",
"as i was scooping it, i realized the elderly",
"gentleman was standing over my shoulder, watching",
"me scoop out ice cream like a vulture. it",
"occurred to me that he likely wanted some",
"birthday cake ice cream as well, and i was",
"probably taking an excruciatingly long time to",
"scoop ice cream into my cup. upon realizing this,",
"i opened my mouth to say \"sorry sir,\" but before",
"i could finish, saliva slips down my tongue as i",
"make my \"s\" sound, and drops down into the bucket",
"of ice cream.",
"this wasn't a few speckles mind you, this was a",
"ginormous, disgusting dollop of my drool, sliding",
"down my tongue and rolling out of my mouth like a",
"child joyously flying out of a giant water slide",
"into a pool.",
"how this happened, i still don't know. but time",
"seemed to shift into slow motion as it slid down",
"and fell through the air to the ice cream below.",
"i made a vain attempt to suck up the drool before",
"it fell, but ended up just looking even more like",
"a neanderthal than i had previously. it was too",
"late. it collapsed and splattered in the bucket",
"of ice cream.",
"i stared at the ice cream in shock for a couple",
"of seconds while the man continued to loom over",
"my shoulder like a beacon of death. i desperately",
"began scraping up all the ice cream that it had",
"landed on while repeating apologies to the man,",
"after which i turned to look at him and apologize",
"one last time.",
"as i turned, my heart sunk. i blinked a couple of",
"times in total silence as he forced a smile at",
"me. this was one of my professors, and i had",
"pretty much just spit in the ice cream he was",
"about to get."
] |
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of ice cream. me. this was one of my professors, and i had about to get.
|
3 | 28 | 0.57 | 3 |
backstory time!
right then, so what's up is that i'm super lazy when it comes to school work. i didn't do my accounting in the last lesson. backstory is over.
okay, so because i didn't do it the last lesson, i didn't do what was due for today either. this made my accounting teacher really pissed, and she e-mailed my mom. now if you live with strict parents, you'll know that the slightest fuck up will get you a nice hiding. (beating)
my mom acknowledged the receipt of said email, forwarded it to me and my dad. he came back, had a talk with me, beat my ass and now i'm crying as i type this. my everywhere hurts.
|
always do your homework, kids.
|
not doing my homework.
|
[
"backstory time!",
"right then, so what's up is that i'm super lazy",
"when it comes to school work. i didn't do my",
"accounting in the last lesson. backstory is over.",
"okay, so because i didn't do it the last lesson,",
"i didn't do what was due for today either. this",
"made my accounting teacher really pissed, and she",
"e-mailed my mom. now if you live with strict",
"parents, you'll know that the slightest fuck up",
"will get you a nice hiding. (beating)",
"my mom acknowledged the receipt of said email,",
"forwarded it to me and my dad. he came back, had",
"a talk with me, beat my ass and now i'm crying as",
"i type this. my everywhere hurts."
] |
[
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when it comes to school work. i didn't do my
|
1 | 3 | 0.6 | 1 |
today at exactly 10.05 am cet i got a call from my mum asking me
"how are you doing? is everything fine? have you talked to your niece about her first day at school after the summer vacation yet?"
to which i diligently replied
"sure, i'm good, everything is good, no i haven't talked to her yet but i really need to go now, i'm in traffic".
before i could hang up she quickly added "please take care of the flowers while we're gone", to which i replied "sure thing ma, no problem". all this was happening as the driver of a [skiploader](http://www.hiab.com/globalassets/inriver/resources/slt142_retas_v2_1300x845px.jpg) approached me with a look of terror in his eyes, holding a used cloth tissue telling me
"hey you're bleeding, man this looks bad". i didn't feel too bad, a small amount of blood was entangling my left middle and ring fingers but i quickly grabbed a clean tissue from my pockets, got rid of the blood on the hand and moved the tissue to the right corner of my upper lip, because that was the only thing that hurt.
after convincing the man that i was ok, he drove off saying he felt sorry and i immediately answered no, i was sorry for causing any trouble and please have a good day sir. shortly after that i continued my way to work, thinking about **what the fuck did just happen**.
this is what happened: just a couple of minutes ago i was speeding down this wonderful newly paved street and succeeded in approaching that nice skiploader which accelerated so smoothly. 30 km/h is about my average speed so when i first reached the back of the truck i was going about 35, then 45, then i guess about 50 and then 0.
just when i was at the peak of my little sprint i forgot about that [last light](https://goo.gl/maps/f5zan) where the pedestrians cross the road to get from the park to the lido. i tried to brake but my front wheel already hit the truck's bumper and my head slammed right into that huge metal bar which is part of the lifting construction. i fell to the street and stumbled to the pavement as fast as i could. curiously, there seemed to be nothing wrong with my bike so i thought taking off is the right thing to do. that's exactly the moment when i got that call.
the rest of the story is that i now have to wipe my upper right lip whenever i take a sip of water because my upper right canine tooth got smashed into my upper lip so badly that it got pierced. went to the doctor who told me "yeah we could stitch that together but i'd rather have it heal by itself. just rinse with listerine after every meal and you'll be good". pain ensues.
|
trucker pumped the brakes abrutly and made my face kiss steel. i now have a tiny hole in my lip.
|
tailgating a skiploader on my bike
|
[
"today at exactly 10.05 am cet i got a call from my",
"mum asking me",
"\"how are you doing? is everything fine? have you",
"talked to your niece about her first day at",
"school after the summer vacation yet?\"",
"to which i diligently replied",
"\"sure, i'm good, everything is good, no i haven't",
"talked to her yet but i really need to go now,",
"i'm in traffic\".",
"before i could hang up she quickly added \"please",
"take care of the flowers while we're gone\", to",
"which i replied \"sure thing ma, no problem\". all",
"this was happening as the driver of a",
"[skiploader](http://www.hiab.com/globalassets/inr",
"iver/resources/slt142_retas_v2_1300x845px.jpg)",
"approached me with a look of terror in his eyes,",
"holding a used cloth tissue telling me",
"\"hey you're bleeding, man this looks bad\". i",
"didn't feel too bad, a small amount of blood was",
"entangling my left middle and ring fingers but i",
"quickly grabbed a clean tissue from my pockets,",
"got rid of the blood on the hand and moved the",
"tissue to the right corner of my upper lip,",
"because that was the only thing that hurt.",
"after convincing the man that i was ok, he drove",
"off saying he felt sorry and i immediately",
"answered no, i was sorry for causing any trouble",
"and please have a good day sir. shortly after",
"that i continued my way to work, thinking about",
"**what the fuck did just happen**.",
"this is what happened: just a couple of minutes",
"ago i was speeding down this wonderful newly",
"paved street and succeeded in approaching that",
"nice skiploader which accelerated so smoothly. 30",
"km/h is about my average speed so when i first",
"reached the back of the truck i was going about",
"35, then 45, then i guess about 50 and then 0.",
"just when i was at the peak of my little sprint i",
"forgot about that [last",
"light](https://goo.gl/maps/f5zan) where the",
"pedestrians cross the road to get from the park",
"to the lido. i tried to brake but my front wheel",
"already hit the truck's bumper and my head",
"slammed right into that huge metal bar which is",
"part of the lifting construction. i fell to the",
"street and stumbled to the pavement as fast as i",
"could. curiously, there seemed to be nothing",
"wrong with my bike so i thought taking off is the",
"right thing to do. that's exactly the moment when",
"i got that call.",
"the rest of the story is that i now have to wipe",
"my upper right lip whenever i take a sip of water",
"because my upper right canine tooth got smashed",
"into my upper lip so badly that it got pierced.",
"went to the doctor who told me \"yeah we could",
"stitch that together but i'd rather have it heal",
"by itself. just rinse with listerine after every",
"meal and you'll be good\". pain ensues."
] |
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and please have a good day sir. shortly after the rest of the story is that i now have to wipe
|
7 | 10 | 0.89 | 7 |
tifu by holding deadly a octopus
this happened in 2010 and i ran across the photos today so i thought i'd share. my wife and i were vacationing in boracay philippines when we decided to rent a banana boat for a day of snorkeling. we were having a great time, the snorkeling is fantastic, when our guide brought us to a little island with caves to snorkel in. we were in the water and a few teenage locals were trying to find things to show us when our guide yelled " sir, sir! do you want to hold a baby octopus?" i jumped at the chance and we started to find our way out of the water ( see photo 1 our guide took) once out of the water i held out my hand and a youngster dropped the little guy into my hand. ive had a lot of training and been a reef aquarium enthusiast so i recognized a blue ring right away... i screamed like a school girl, peed a little, and dropped it all within the span of a couple heart beats! i tried to tell the locals to leave it alone, it is deadly... they laughed, ignored me and one immediately fished it back out with his hand. (see photo 2)
i realized they wouldn't listen so of course i took pictures (photo 3) and we departed the caves as a youngster went away with the blue ring in a cut up water bottle.
the moral of the story- dont just blindly trust local guides
*edit- changed photo links to photobucket because imgur was being difficult
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v631/alittletank/p7160083.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v631/alittletank/p7160084.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v631/alittletank/p7160081.jpg
|
held one of the deadliest critters on the planet by mistake.
|
holding deadly a octopus
|
[
"tifu by holding deadly a octopus",
"this happened in 2010 and i ran across the photos",
"today so i thought i'd share. my wife and i were",
"vacationing in boracay philippines when we",
"decided to rent a banana boat for a day of",
"snorkeling. we were having a great time, the",
"snorkeling is fantastic, when our guide brought",
"us to a little island with caves to snorkel in.",
"we were in the water and a few teenage locals",
"were trying to find things to show us when our",
"guide yelled \" sir, sir! do you want to hold a",
"baby octopus?\" i jumped at the chance and we",
"started to find our way out of the water ( see",
"photo 1 our guide took) once out of the water i",
"held out my hand and a youngster dropped the",
"little guy into my hand. ive had a lot of",
"training and been a reef aquarium enthusiast so i",
"recognized a blue ring right away... i screamed",
"like a school girl, peed a little, and dropped it",
"all within the span of a couple heart beats! i",
"tried to tell the locals to leave it alone, it is",
"deadly... they laughed, ignored me and one",
"immediately fished it back out with his hand.",
"(see photo 2)",
"i realized they wouldn't listen so of course i",
"took pictures (photo 3) and we departed the caves",
"as a youngster went away with the blue ring in a",
"cut up water bottle.",
"the moral of the story- dont just blindly trust",
"local guides",
"*edit- changed photo links to photobucket because",
"imgur was being difficult",
"http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v631/alittletan",
"k/p7160083.jpg",
"http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v631/alittletan",
"k/p7160084.jpg",
"http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v631/alittletan",
"k/p7160081.jpg"
] |
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tifu by holding deadly a octopus the moral of the story- dont just blindly trust
|
255 | 74 | 0.91 | 255 |
this happened almost an hour ago..
so i'm sitting near the front of a public bus just minding my own business. it's 12:30pm so this means that the buses will be annoyingly full. while looking out the window, i see that an older lady is getting ready to enter the bus so i start moving my bags so that i can easily give her my seat.
she comes in and starts walking down the row. i stand up when she gets closer and ask her if she wants my seat. she keeps on walking with her head down so i just figured she didn't hear me. i have my earphones on so i couldn't tell if she said something.
i ask her again and still no answer so i tap her on the arm and she finally turns around. this is when this lady loses her shit and starts screaming at me!
"why do you have to hit my arm that hard!"
"you just had to ask me if i wanted a seat"
"you are no son of god, you imbecile"
i was so shocked that nothing came out of my mouth. she keeps on ranting for another minute and now everyone in the bus is looking at me. no one saw what happened so everyone assumed that i actually hit her arm. this is when the best part comes. the lady, after screaming at me for the last minute, then goes "look at you, devil worshiper! get out of my bus!"
as soon as she said this, you can hear whispers throughout the bus. i was able to understand one of them. i was wearing all black so people actually agreed with her.
"well he does look like one"
needless to say, i got the fuck out of there before i got attacked by a mob of old ladies. i had to walk the rest of the way home.
|
offered my seat to an old lady, got kicked out of the bus for being a "devil worshiper"
|
offering my seat to an old lady on the bus
|
[
"this happened almost an hour ago..",
"so i'm sitting near the front of a public bus",
"just minding my own business. it's 12:30pm so",
"this means that the buses will be annoyingly",
"full. while looking out the window, i see that an",
"older lady is getting ready to enter the bus so i",
"start moving my bags so that i can easily give",
"her my seat.",
"she comes in and starts walking down the row. i",
"stand up when she gets closer and ask her if she",
"wants my seat. she keeps on walking with her head",
"down so i just figured she didn't hear me. i have",
"my earphones on so i couldn't tell if she said",
"something.",
"i ask her again and still no answer so i tap her",
"on the arm and she finally turns around. this is",
"when this lady loses her shit and starts",
"screaming at me!",
"\"why do you have to hit my arm that hard!\"",
"\"you just had to ask me if i wanted a seat\"",
"\"you are no son of god, you imbecile\"",
"i was so shocked that nothing came out of my",
"mouth. she keeps on ranting for another minute",
"and now everyone in the bus is looking at me. no",
"one saw what happened so everyone assumed that i",
"actually hit her arm. this is when the best part",
"comes. the lady, after screaming at me for the",
"last minute, then goes \"look at you, devil",
"worshiper! get out of my bus!\"",
"as soon as she said this, you can hear whispers",
"throughout the bus. i was able to understand one",
"of them. i was wearing all black so people",
"actually agreed with her.",
"\"well he does look like one\"",
"needless to say, i got the fuck out of there",
"before i got attacked by a mob of old ladies. i",
"had to walk the rest of the way home."
] |
[
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] |
her my seat. worshiper! get out of my bus!"
|
199 | 20 | 0.92 | 199 |
ok this happened about a half hour ago. my best friend from high school just recently started going to college. he took some time off since we graduated high school and finally got serious about college so i've been extremely happy and supportive that he decided to start taking classes. so this morning he snap chatted me and said "yo first day of math". here's where my fuck up happened. him and i both like to mess with each other quite often so i sent him back a snap video where i yelled, "fuck math biotch!" i of course was thinking he wouldn't open a video snap in class, let alone have his volume all the way up. turns out when he opened the snap the professor heard the snap, got pissed, my friend started laughing and the prof knew it was him. he's currently snapping me from his adviser's because he's switching math classes. luckily he thinks it's just as funny as i do.
|
"fuck math!" = new class
|
getting my best friend kicked out of his first day of college math
|
[
"ok this happened about a half hour ago. my best",
"friend from high school just recently started",
"going to college. he took some time off since we",
"graduated high school and finally got serious",
"about college so i've been extremely happy and",
"supportive that he decided to start taking",
"classes. so this morning he snap chatted me and",
"said \"yo first day of math\". here's where my",
"fuck up happened. him and i both like to mess",
"with each other quite often so i sent him back a",
"snap video where i yelled, \"fuck math biotch!\" i",
"of course was thinking he wouldn't open a video",
"snap in class, let alone have his volume all the",
"way up. turns out when he opened the snap the",
"professor heard the snap, got pissed, my friend",
"started laughing and the prof knew it was him.",
"he's currently snapping me from his adviser's",
"because he's switching math classes. luckily he",
"thinks it's just as funny as i do."
] |
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] |
snap video where i yelled, "fuck math biotch!" i
|
20 | 9 | 0.88 | 20 |
mandatory this didn't happen today, but yesterday.
so after about of year of deliberating i finally decided to get a tattoo, thought of what i wanted and got myself booked in. found this awesome artist in walking distance from my house who even came with recommendations from a colleague of mine. perfect.
day of the tat, i'm some weird combination of nervous (needle phobia and all) and excited. in my idiocy i stay up most of the night before playing destiny, so i wind up waking up around 11:30am, with the tat booked at 12. no biggie, can walk it in 10 mins anyways so i get up, shower and walk straight down there.
get to the studio and sit down, still excited for my first tattoo. get started, first thing i think is "oh, this doesn't hurt anywhere near as much as i expected, actually quite tolerable."
20 mins later, i feel a little woozy, so i ask the artist to stop. as soon as she does, my body goes into mega-wtf mode. i start to massively overheat, even with the door open and a cold day. then my eyesight goes and i can't see a thing. then my hearing goes muffled and i can barely hear the artist asking if i'm alright. on the brink of passing out, i'm in full panic mode cause nothing like this has ever happened to me before. luckily, they know exactly what to do, hydrate me, keep me calm and bring me back round to full consciousness.
scariest thing to ever happen to me by far and it's taught me a valuable lesson, always eat before a tattoo. afterwards, i learned that my almost passing out was most likely caused by low blood sugars, cause i skipped breakfast. won't be making that mistake again, that's for sure.
edit: i missed the best part. because of this, i now have to sport half a tattoo until next tuesday. fml.
|
; skipped breakfast before first tattoo, almost passed out.
|
not eating before a tattoo
|
[
"mandatory this didn't happen today, but yesterday.",
"so after about of year of deliberating i finally",
"decided to get a tattoo, thought of what i wanted",
"and got myself booked in. found this awesome",
"artist in walking distance from my house who even",
"came with recommendations from a colleague of",
"mine. perfect.",
"day of the tat, i'm some weird combination of",
"nervous (needle phobia and all) and excited. in",
"my idiocy i stay up most of the night before",
"playing destiny, so i wind up waking up around",
"11:30am, with the tat booked at 12. no biggie,",
"can walk it in 10 mins anyways so i get up,",
"shower and walk straight down there.",
"get to the studio and sit down, still excited for",
"my first tattoo. get started, first thing i think",
"is \"oh, this doesn't hurt anywhere near as much",
"as i expected, actually quite tolerable.\"",
"20 mins later, i feel a little woozy, so i ask",
"the artist to stop. as soon as she does, my body",
"goes into mega-wtf mode. i start to massively",
"overheat, even with the door open and a cold day.",
"then my eyesight goes and i can't see a thing.",
"then my hearing goes muffled and i can barely",
"hear the artist asking if i'm alright. on the",
"brink of passing out, i'm in full panic mode",
"cause nothing like this has ever happened to me",
"before. luckily, they know exactly what to do,",
"hydrate me, keep me calm and bring me back round",
"to full consciousness.",
"scariest thing to ever happen to me by far and",
"it's taught me a valuable lesson, always eat",
"before a tattoo. afterwards, i learned that my",
"almost passing out was most likely caused by low",
"blood sugars, cause i skipped breakfast. won't be",
"making that mistake again, that's for sure.",
"edit: i missed the best part. because of this, i",
"now have to sport half a tattoo until next",
"tuesday. fml."
] |
[
0,
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my first tattoo. get started, first thing i think blood sugars, cause i skipped breakfast. won't be
|
0 | 4 | 0.5 | 0 |
i had a car that needed a paint job. for christmas, my parents bought me a maaco $99 paint job. so the night before taking into the local maaco, my buddies came over, and decorated it with spray paint, with a variety of nice dirty words and penises sprayed all over the place.
the unfortunate thing for us was that the maaco $99 paint job didn't include a primer coat, and the spray painted decorations showed through, plain as day, after the paint job was finished.
we had to pay, out of pocket, for them to respray the car with primer, and another coating because of our stupidity.
|
were getting our car painted, didn't realize that spray painted profanities and dicks would bleed through when it was repainted, had to pay for a much more expensive paint job out of my own pocket.
|
getting a cheap paint job at maaco
|
[
"i had a car that needed a paint job. for",
"christmas, my parents bought me a maaco $99 paint",
"job. so the night before taking into the local",
"maaco, my buddies came over, and decorated it",
"with spray paint, with a variety of nice dirty",
"words and penises sprayed all over the place.",
"the unfortunate thing for us was that the maaco",
"$99 paint job didn't include a primer coat, and",
"the spray painted decorations showed through,",
"plain as day, after the paint job was finished.",
"we had to pay, out of pocket, for them to respray",
"the car with primer, and another coating because",
"of our stupidity."
] |
[
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0.3686818887275516,
0.20865627501030407,
1,
0.14967983026802908,
0.2729519104239909
] |
i had a car that needed a paint job. for maaco, my buddies came over, and decorated it the spray painted decorations showed through, we had to pay, out of pocket, for them to respray of our stupidity.
|
0 | 2 | 0.38 | 0 |
well, today i was at work on cash ringing through peoples food, and as this restaurant is located in a hospital it tends to get pretty busy. so i'm waiting for a customers coffee to finish brewing and am waiting for another 2 people to be finish completing their orders. now the man was talking to a woman who i figured was around 55-60 years old and he looked about 25 or so, so when he came up she was still getting items and i asked if he was paying for his mom's as well. well he gave me the most serious poker face i have ever seen and said to me "that's my wife". i must have turned as red as a fire engine while i calmly apologized and scanned my surroundings for any fucking excuse to leave the area and settled on getting some cups to restock while my coworker, who heard everything, went to finish the transaction with a huge grin on her face.
edit: spelling
|
asked a customer if he was paying for his mothers food. his mother turned out to be his wife. fml.
|
making an assumption
|
[
"well, today i was at work on cash ringing through",
"peoples food, and as this restaurant is located",
"in a hospital it tends to get pretty busy. so i'm",
"waiting for a customers coffee to finish brewing",
"and am waiting for another 2 people to be finish",
"completing their orders. now the man was talking",
"to a woman who i figured was around 55-60 years",
"old and he looked about 25 or so, so when he came",
"up she was still getting items and i asked if he",
"was paying for his mom's as well. well he gave me",
"the most serious poker face i have ever seen and",
"said to me \"that's my wife\". i must have turned",
"as red as a fire engine while i calmly apologized",
"and scanned my surroundings for any fucking",
"excuse to leave the area and settled on getting",
"some cups to restock while my coworker, who heard",
"everything, went to finish the transaction with a",
"huge grin on her face.",
"edit: spelling"
] |
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] |
was paying for his mom's as well. well he gave me said to me "that's my wife". i must have turned
|
0 | 4 | 0.54 | 0 |
my senior year i had inherited an old ford ltd that was huge, canary yellow, and had a ford 351 "cleveland" v-8. it was a decent ride, and was technically my fist car, so i loved it.
i decided to tune it up, so one night i went to my buddy's work, and used their shop to do a full tune up- new plugs, wires and distributor cap.
after replacing the parts, i started her up, and i started to play with the throttle controller to hear if it was misfiring...but man, that intoxicating sound of a v8 running at full throttle got to me, and i started to show off to my buddies, by opening her up....which of course was a huge mistake, because after a few second there was a loud bang, and a clacking noise that made it obvious that i had thrown a rod.
so now i had to get the car towed back to my house, and was left with a 2 ton canary yellow lump of detroit iron sitting in front of the house.
so after a couple of days, my buddy and i decide that it's not salvageable, so let's use it to do a "senior prank" at our school. so we thought it would be hilarious to disassemble the yellow bananamobile, and put it out in parts on the lawn of our school...but after taking off the doors, we soon discovered that any further disassembling was well beyond our technical capabilities, and we replaced them, without bolting them back on, and moved onto other things, forgetting about our brilliant plot.
so my dad grew impatient with us, and was tired of seeing this gigantic useless behemoth sitting in front of the house, and demanded that we get it removed, and he marched me and my buddy down to the car, bitching at me the whole time about why i hadn't done anything with the car.
as i began to explain our brilliant senior prank plan, i watched as he reached out to open the door of the car, and the whole thing came off in his hand, leaving him holding a car door, looking at me with this look of be-bewilderment and confusion, that quickly turned into his classic "you dumbass" look, as he carefully replaced the door, and said "you have 24 hours" and walking back to the house.
|
threw a rod on a huge yellow ford, decided to try a senior prank by disassembling it, only succeeded in unbolting the doors, which my dad discovered when he tried to open the door.
|
trying to pull a senior prank with a dead car
|
[
"my senior year i had inherited an old ford ltd",
"that was huge, canary yellow, and had a ford 351",
"\"cleveland\" v-8. it was a decent ride, and was",
"technically my fist car, so i loved it.",
"i decided to tune it up, so one night i went to",
"my buddy's work, and used their shop to do a full",
"tune up- new plugs, wires and distributor cap.",
"after replacing the parts, i started her up, and",
"i started to play with the throttle controller to",
"hear if it was misfiring...but man, that",
"intoxicating sound of a v8 running at full",
"throttle got to me, and i started to show off to",
"my buddies, by opening her up....which of course",
"was a huge mistake, because after a few second",
"there was a loud bang, and a clacking noise that",
"made it obvious that i had thrown a rod.",
"so now i had to get the car towed back to my",
"house, and was left with a 2 ton canary yellow",
"lump of detroit iron sitting in front of the",
"house.",
"so after a couple of days, my buddy and i decide",
"that it's not salvageable, so let's use it to do",
"a \"senior prank\" at our school. so we thought it",
"would be hilarious to disassemble the yellow",
"bananamobile, and put it out in parts on the lawn",
"of our school...but after taking off the doors,",
"we soon discovered that any further disassembling",
"was well beyond our technical capabilities, and",
"we replaced them, without bolting them back on,",
"and moved onto other things, forgetting about our",
"brilliant plot.",
"so my dad grew impatient with us, and was tired",
"of seeing this gigantic useless behemoth sitting",
"in front of the house, and demanded that we get",
"it removed, and he marched me and my buddy down",
"to the car, bitching at me the whole time about",
"why i hadn't done anything with the car.",
"as i began to explain our brilliant senior prank",
"plan, i watched as he reached out to open the",
"door of the car, and the whole thing came off in",
"his hand, leaving him holding a car door, looking",
"at me with this look of be-bewilderment and",
"confusion, that quickly turned into his classic",
"\"you dumbass\" look, as he carefully replaced the",
"door, and said \"you have 24 hours\" and walking",
"back to the house."
] |
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that was huge, canary yellow, and had a ford 351 a "senior prank" at our school. so we thought it so my dad grew impatient with us, and was tired plan, i watched as he reached out to open the
|
6 | 7 | 0.69 | 6 |
i am in a two day out of town training class for work and the training class is in one of those nicely manicured yet non descriptive office parks.
we had an hour lunch break and i had subway. i ordered a footlong ham and cheese, 2 cookies, bottled water and some chips.
in retrospect, the chips may be the culprit as they were a flavor i've never tried before. lays new york reuben flavored potato chips.
it may sound gross, but i was curious to this new flavor.
i sat in my car and wolfed down my meal, downed the cookies, water and chips and returned to the 72 degree climate controlled training room.
about an hour later, i sensed a disturbance in my bowels as something...something evil...was trying to break free from its dark prison. i began to sweat through my gingham patterned shirt and attempted to loosen the belt on my khakis. i didn't attempt to relieve some of the pressure by letting some gas escape lest this demon inside shed its vile manacles and begin its dark assault upon the unsuspecting occupants of the room.
so i got up and rushed to the restroom. once inside the restroom i released the foul beast from its anal prison.
it burst forth with such fury and a mighty bellow that the ladies in the adjoining restroom could be heard saying things like, "oh my!" and "what did he eat???"
it was the chips lady. it was the chips.
the truly awful part? i'm the only male in the building so everyone knows it was me.
edit: i'm still in my training so instead of paying attention to what they are talking about, i decided to draw a diagram of the restrooms on a post it note. (note: the sinks, stalls and urinals are separated by a thin wall and there are mirrors above the sink).
http://imgur.com/gallery/ujmrddx
farted so loud you could hear it through the walls.
|
ate some lays new york reuben flavored potato chips.
|
trying a new flavor of potato chips (tl:dr)
|
[
"i am in a two day out of town training class for",
"work and the training class is in one of those",
"nicely manicured yet non descriptive office",
"parks.",
"we had an hour lunch break and i had subway. i",
"ordered a footlong ham and cheese, 2 cookies,",
"bottled water and some chips.",
"in retrospect, the chips may be the culprit as",
"they were a flavor i've never tried before. lays",
"new york reuben flavored potato chips.",
"it may sound gross, but i was curious to this new",
"flavor.",
"i sat in my car and wolfed down my meal, downed",
"the cookies, water and chips and returned to the",
"72 degree climate controlled training room.",
"about an hour later, i sensed a disturbance in my",
"bowels as something...something evil...was trying",
"to break free from its dark prison. i began to",
"sweat through my gingham patterned shirt and",
"attempted to loosen the belt on my khakis. i",
"didn't attempt to relieve some of the pressure by",
"letting some gas escape lest this demon inside",
"shed its vile manacles and begin its dark assault",
"upon the unsuspecting occupants of the room.",
"so i got up and rushed to the restroom. once",
"inside the restroom i released the foul beast",
"from its anal prison.",
"it burst forth with such fury and a mighty bellow",
"that the ladies in the adjoining restroom could",
"be heard saying things like, \"oh my!\" and \"what",
"did he eat???\"",
"it was the chips lady. it was the chips.",
"the truly awful part? i'm the only male in the",
"building so everyone knows it was me.",
"edit: i'm still in my training so instead of",
"paying attention to what they are talking about,",
"i decided to draw a diagram of the restrooms on a",
"post it note. (note: the sinks, stalls and",
"urinals are separated by a thin wall and there",
"are mirrors above the sink).",
"http://imgur.com/gallery/ujmrddx",
"farted so loud you could hear it through the",
"walls."
] |
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new york reuben flavored potato chips.
|
7 | 4 | 0.87 | 7 |
this fu literally just happened.
our office just hired 6 new employees, and the boss was bringing them around for introductions. one of the new employees was someone i had worked with before. he was also the last person to be introduced. i shook his hand in greeting, as i typically do with someone i haven't seen in a long time.
one of the other 5, not knowing our past relationship, exclaimed "so we're not good enough for a handshake!?"
|
i'm an inconsiderate tool.
|
shaking hands with an old coworker
|
[
"this fu literally just happened.",
"our office just hired 6 new employees, and the",
"boss was bringing them around for introductions.",
"one of the new employees was someone i had worked",
"with before. he was also the last person to be",
"introduced. i shook his hand in greeting, as i",
"typically do with someone i haven't seen in a",
"long time.",
"one of the other 5, not knowing our past",
"relationship, exclaimed \"so we're not good enough",
"for a handshake!?\""
] |
[
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | |
21 | 6 | 0.88 | 21 |
i'm at work, and a browser based software is not working correctly in chrome anymore, but it works in ie. since chrome is infinitely better, i obviously want it to work.
so we start a meeting and she is controlling my mouse, changes a few settings, etc. nothing works. goes into my history, and clears it, didn't work. she goes back into my history and the very top line was "white guy with the biggest penis". this was part of a bar conversation from last night with some friends about recent news of a freakishly large member on a mexican guy. she chuckled and said "i thought i cleared it". i said this is synced from my phone. i wish i had explained it was from a bar convo.
|
; it thinks i like white guys with giant members
|
contacting it without clearing browser history first
|
[
"i'm at work, and a browser based software is not",
"working correctly in chrome anymore, but it works",
"in ie. since chrome is infinitely better, i",
"obviously want it to work.",
"so we start a meeting and she is controlling my",
"mouse, changes a few settings, etc. nothing",
"works. goes into my history, and clears it,",
"didn't work. she goes back into my history and",
"the very top line was \"white guy with the biggest",
"penis\". this was part of a bar conversation from",
"last night with some friends about recent news of",
"a freakishly large member on a mexican guy. she",
"chuckled and said \"i thought i cleared it\". i",
"said this is synced from my phone. i wish i had",
"explained it was from a bar convo."
] |
[
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] |
chuckled and said "i thought i cleared it". i
|
25 | 15 | 0.65 | 25 |
blah blah blah, grade 8, many years ago.
so this new teacher came to our school to teach grade 6, likely 2 years out of teachers college, and im talkin babe. mega babe (schwing). if she were a us president she would be baberaham lincoln.
anyway. me and a few friends are hanging out near the window at her class during recess, doing nothing special. she walks into the class. me and a couple buddies see here walk in, and i just sort of try showing off. "oh wow, 'baberaham' is in the house. damn i wouldnt mind if she got changed for gym right now." she turns to the window, point to her ear while looking at me and mouths "i can hear you." i shit a fuckin brick. gravity starts pulling on my mouth, cheeks, eyes, mostly my heart dropped. i mean i was scared. what was going to happen?
while im contemplating walking 15 kilometers home, my friends are just crying. laughing so hard they're struggling for breath. 10 minutes left in recess and my friends had told my other friends, and i was getting poked at, trying to smile, while my insides were filling with grey matter.
this is the worst part. bell rings, and we have to go inside. we had to walk by her classroom. im trying to speedwalk, waiting for a principal or my teacher to snag me. nope it wasn't them who grabbed me, one of my 'already has 5oclock shadow' friends grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me into her classroom. i stumble, look up like a deer in headlights, don't give her time for eye contact, and i gtfo. friends once again crying of laughter as i shake in fear. went back to class and that was it.
i have forever been greatful of that lady, for understanding i was a naive 14 year old. some of the scariest minutes of my life. i'm honestly shaking while typing this.
|
called teacher babe (and some), she heard me, got thrown into her class by friends.
|
creeping on a hot teacher
|
[
"blah blah blah, grade 8, many years ago.",
"so this new teacher came to our school to teach",
"grade 6, likely 2 years out of teachers college,",
"and im talkin babe. mega babe (schwing). if she",
"were a us president she would be baberaham",
"lincoln.",
"anyway. me and a few friends are hanging out near",
"the window at her class during recess, doing",
"nothing special. she walks into the class. me and",
"a couple buddies see here walk in, and i just",
"sort of try showing off. \"oh wow, 'baberaham' is",
"in the house. damn i wouldnt mind if she got",
"changed for gym right now.\" she turns to the",
"window, point to her ear while looking at me and",
"mouths \"i can hear you.\" i shit a fuckin brick.",
"gravity starts pulling on my mouth, cheeks, eyes,",
"mostly my heart dropped. i mean i was scared.",
"what was going to happen?",
"while im contemplating walking 15 kilometers",
"home, my friends are just crying. laughing so",
"hard they're struggling for breath. 10 minutes",
"left in recess and my friends had told my other",
"friends, and i was getting poked at, trying to",
"smile, while my insides were filling with grey",
"matter.",
"this is the worst part. bell rings, and we have",
"to go inside. we had to walk by her classroom. im",
"trying to speedwalk, waiting for a principal or",
"my teacher to snag me. nope it wasn't them who",
"grabbed me, one of my 'already has 5oclock",
"shadow' friends grabbed me by the shoulders and",
"pushed me into her classroom. i stumble, look up",
"like a deer in headlights, don't give her time",
"for eye contact, and i gtfo. friends once again",
"crying of laughter as i shake in fear. went back",
"to class and that was it.",
"i have forever been greatful of that lady, for",
"understanding i was a naive 14 year old. some of",
"the scariest minutes of my life. i'm honestly",
"shaking while typing this."
] |
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nothing special. she walks into the class. me and shadow' friends grabbed me by the shoulders and
|
6 | 7 | 0.7 | 6 |
bit of a background: for my second year of university, i moved in with my cousin's friends (lets call them jill, jane & joey). cousin himself is amazing and the few times i had met his friends they were some of the best people i had met so far at university. during the year things progressed really well until jane began to get jealous of my friendship with jill and her behaviour towards me changed. kept ignoring it for quite some time but after 3-4 months i lost my cool. at that time, jill & joey both had issues with jane too and weren't speaking to her either. those three patched up but i was in no mood to patch up with jane (she had been going around saying things like how uncool i am, how i wish ill for her and other bullshit). long story short, my issues with jane blew up my friendship with jill too. jill called my parents a bunch of bad stuff, that i have never been taught manners cause i was rude to jane, completely ignoring how horrible jane's behaviour used to be towards me which was something she used to freely admit before and would tell me there is no point in being nice to her if she won't reciprocate. it was the end of year so i figured what the fuck, these people are toxic and not worth the time or headache.
moving on, our landlord finally returned our deposits and the total damage to property (£400) was equally deducted from everyone's deposit. meaning i lost a £100. of the £400, half of it is damage those three have done in their bedrooms (my room's damage is less than 20 quid) and they aren't willing to sort it out between ourselves. plus for some of the things our landlord is charging is for is due to their negligence like not turning off the freezer before leaving. before that they made me pay up for an extra month of electricity and gas. i had moved out in june, they stayed on till the end of contract ie july. tried arguing that those bills depend on usage but they wouldn't hear of it.
|
signed a housing agreement with people i thought were amazing, ended up in a hellhole and lost money.
|
signing a joint tenancy agreement
|
[
"bit of a background: for my second year of",
"university, i moved in with my cousin's friends",
"(lets call them jill, jane & joey). cousin",
"himself is amazing and the few times i had met",
"his friends they were some of the best people i",
"had met so far at university. during the year",
"things progressed really well until jane began to",
"get jealous of my friendship with jill and her",
"behaviour towards me changed. kept ignoring it",
"for quite some time but after 3-4 months i lost",
"my cool. at that time, jill & joey both had",
"issues with jane too and weren't speaking to her",
"either. those three patched up but i was in no",
"mood to patch up with jane (she had been going",
"around saying things like how uncool i am, how i",
"wish ill for her and other bullshit). long story",
"short, my issues with jane blew up my friendship",
"with jill too. jill called my parents a bunch of",
"bad stuff, that i have never been taught manners",
"cause i was rude to jane, completely ignoring how",
"horrible jane's behaviour used to be towards me",
"which was something she used to freely admit",
"before and would tell me there is no point in",
"being nice to her if she won't reciprocate. it",
"was the end of year so i figured what the fuck,",
"these people are toxic and not worth the time or",
"headache. \r\rmoving on, our landlord finally",
"returned our deposits and the total damage to",
"property (£400) was equally deducted from",
"everyone's deposit. meaning i lost a £100. of the",
"£400, half of it is damage those three have done",
"in their bedrooms (my room's damage is less than",
"20 quid) and they aren't willing to sort it out",
"between ourselves. plus for some of the things",
"our landlord is charging is for is due to their",
"negligence like not turning off the freezer",
"before leaving. before that they made me pay up",
"for an extra month of electricity and gas. i had",
"moved out in june, they stayed on till the end of",
"contract ie july. tried arguing that those bills",
"depend on usage but they wouldn't hear of it."
] |
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] |
university, i moved in with my cousin's friends his friends they were some of the best people i everyone's deposit. meaning i lost a £100. of the
|
291 | 86 | 0.87 | 291 |
so a couple days ago, i was working what i thought was a great job at the time, delivering pharmaceuticals to elderly patients who couldn't get out. we'll eventually, the job became demanding with hours and it was taking a toll on my car, so i was planning on leaving soon. this is where it gets good.
when we deliver, the customer has to sign a paper slip for the pharmacy, and an electronic signature on an ipad mini for insurance purposes. so on my last day on the job, i got a huge delivery list, maybe 30 people on it, and had to finish it in 1.5 hours (average house delivery is 2-3 minutes, houses are usually 3-5 minutes away). of course, this is the night where there's accidents, traffic, people taking forever to answer the door etc. i text my boss this and say i'm going to be late and he goes "unacceptable, get it done". so i'm pissed already, because the other delivery guy, who had the same amount of deliveries i did, is always late by an hour and never gets scolded.
so i'm busting my ass, banging these deliveries out, rushing to get it done. all of a sudden, i got blessed with two houses next to each other, so i deliver the one customers stuff, run to the car, leave the ipad on the roof of my car (because they didn't need to sign, my ex boss was kind of shady and gave free meds to people he liked), deliver the other, speed off to the next place, my last spot. all of a sudden i'm like wheres the ipad omg i cant deliver without it.
suddenly, it sinks in. i check the roof of my car, it's not there. i drive back to the other location after i delivered the stuff, since no fucks were being given anymore, and drive back to the previous location . there it was, in its shattered glory, non functioning. i remember them saying they bought in bulk, so i knew they had more. so i put the case they had over it, so they wouldn't see the damage, and drive back to the pharmacy. i quickly run in, say thanks for the opportunity but i'm quitting, collect my pay, and leave. as i leave, all i hear is what the fuck happened to this ipad?!
on the bright side, i finished on time...
|
worked as a delivery driver, left an ipad on my roof and drove off due to being stressed for time, quit my job same night.
|
destroying an ipad before quitting my job
|
[
"so a couple days ago, i was working what i thought",
"was a great job at the time, delivering",
"pharmaceuticals to elderly patients who couldn't",
"get out. we'll eventually, the job became",
"demanding with hours and it was taking a toll on",
"my car, so i was planning on leaving soon. this",
"is where it gets good.",
"when we deliver, the customer has to sign a paper",
"slip for the pharmacy, and an electronic",
"signature on an ipad mini for insurance purposes.",
"so on my last day on the job, i got a huge",
"delivery list, maybe 30 people on it, and had to",
"finish it in 1.5 hours (average house delivery is",
"2-3 minutes, houses are usually 3-5 minutes",
"away). of course, this is the night where there's",
"accidents, traffic, people taking forever to",
"answer the door etc. i text my boss this and say",
"i'm going to be late and he goes \"unacceptable,",
"get it done\". so i'm pissed already, because the",
"other delivery guy, who had the same amount of",
"deliveries i did, is always late by an hour and",
"never gets scolded.",
"so i'm busting my ass, banging these deliveries",
"out, rushing to get it done. all of a sudden, i",
"got blessed with two houses next to each other,",
"so i deliver the one customers stuff, run to the",
"car, leave the ipad on the roof of my car",
"(because they didn't need to sign, my ex boss was",
"kind of shady and gave free meds to people he",
"liked), deliver the other, speed off to the next",
"place, my last spot. all of a sudden i'm like",
"wheres the ipad omg i cant deliver without it.",
"suddenly, it sinks in. i check the roof of my",
"car, it's not there. i drive back to the other",
"location after i delivered the stuff, since no",
"fucks were being given anymore, and drive back to",
"the previous location . there it was, in its",
"shattered glory, non functioning. i remember them",
"saying they bought in bulk, so i knew they had",
"more. so i put the case they had over it, so they",
"wouldn't see the damage, and drive back to the",
"pharmacy. i quickly run in, say thanks for the",
"opportunity but i'm quitting, collect my pay, and",
"leave. as i leave, all i hear is what the fuck",
"happened to this ipad?!",
"on the bright side, i finished on time..."
] |
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] |
was a great job at the time, delivering slip for the pharmacy, and an electronic car, leave the ipad on the roof of my car
|
27 | 14 | 0.81 | 27 |
this happened last night during a fantasy football draft between coworkers.
some background info necessary: we're right next to penn state and a lot of us go there including myself. some are eagles fans, some are steelers fans, and there are some other favorites as well. i've worked for this company for about a month.
the draft starts. we're all guys so everyone starts making fun of each other in good fun. i made some funny comments in the chat throughout the draft. one of the guys and i are big eagles fans. so, as a joke, someone says that "the eagles suck a bunch of little dicks." my knee-jerk reaction, "no that's penn state. wrong pa team."
instant silence. boards go quiet for the remainder of the draft, with the exception of the occasional, "i was going to draft him next." so i'm sitting here, about a month in, dreading going back in because even one of the higher-ups is in the league.
|
new job, work near penn state, fantasy football draft with coworkers last night, someone said "eagles suck a bunch of little dicks", i said no that's penn state, and now i don't want to go to work
|
making a joke in bad taste with new coworkers
|
[
"this happened last night during a fantasy football",
"draft between coworkers.",
"some background info necessary: we're right next",
"to penn state and a lot of us go there including",
"myself. some are eagles fans, some are steelers",
"fans, and there are some other favorites as well.",
"i've worked for this company for about a month.",
"the draft starts. we're all guys so everyone",
"starts making fun of each other in good fun. i",
"made some funny comments in the chat throughout",
"the draft. one of the guys and i are big eagles",
"fans. so, as a joke, someone says that \"the",
"eagles suck a bunch of little dicks.\" my",
"knee-jerk reaction, \"no that's penn state. wrong",
"pa team.\"",
"instant silence. boards go quiet for the",
"remainder of the draft, with the exception of the",
"occasional, \"i was going to draft him next.\" so",
"i'm sitting here, about a month in, dreading",
"going back in because even one of the higher-ups",
"is in the league."
] |
[
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] |
this happened last night during a fantasy football draft between coworkers. to penn state and a lot of us go there including eagles suck a bunch of little dicks." my knee-jerk reaction, "no that's penn state. wrong
|
50 | 11 | 0.91 | 50 |
i am a longtime u2 fan and have been looking forward to their most recent tour. initially i thought i would miss it as i wasn't expecting to be in europe at the time they were playing but my schedule teed up and discovered i would be near turin for the opening european show. it would be the only weekend i could make. i managed to find a ga ticket for the first night on viagogo, so happily clicked buy. the next day i had an acquaintance who offered me a ga ticket for the same show, at cost-price. as i had just bought a ticket, i declined. it would be too much hassle to try and sell-off recently bought ticket. now, just days before the show on friday, i get an email from viagogo saying ticket is no longer available. and they offer me a "restricted view" ticket, highest tier, behind the stage - as a replacement. shit. madly contact friend but alas he had already offloaded his extra ga tickets. viagogo web site states "buyers are guaranteed to receive valid tickets in time for the event. in the rare instance that a problem arises, viagogo will provide equivalent or better tickets." yeah right. well, turns out viagogo are full of shit. and i'm shit out of luck as i can't find any other tickets now.
update: so after posting this i received a call from viagogo. they are offering to change the replacement ticket to the same ticket (floor) for the next night. awesome. so kudos to viagogo. it took some effort but they came through in the end. thank you reddit universe for the good karma.
|
bought a dream concert ticket on viagogo. fu by trusting the viagogo guarantee.
|
buying a concert ticket through viagogo
|
[
"i am a longtime u2 fan and have been looking",
"forward to their most recent tour. initially i",
"thought i would miss it as i wasn't expecting to",
"be in europe at the time they were playing but my",
"schedule teed up and discovered i would be near",
"turin for the opening european show. it would be",
"the only weekend i could make. i managed to find",
"a ga ticket for the first night on viagogo, so",
"happily clicked buy. the next day i had an",
"acquaintance who offered me a ga ticket for the",
"same show, at cost-price. as i had just bought a",
"ticket, i declined. it would be too much hassle",
"to try and sell-off recently bought ticket. now,",
"just days before the show on friday, i get an",
"email from viagogo saying ticket is no longer",
"available. and they offer me a \"restricted view\"",
"ticket, highest tier, behind the stage - as a",
"replacement. shit. madly contact friend but alas",
"he had already offloaded his extra ga tickets.",
"viagogo web site states \"buyers are guaranteed to",
"receive valid tickets in time for the event. in",
"the rare instance that a problem arises, viagogo",
"will provide equivalent or better tickets.\" yeah",
"right. well, turns out viagogo are full of shit.",
"and i'm shit out of luck as i can't find any",
"other tickets now.",
"update: so after posting this i received a call",
"from viagogo. they are offering to change the",
"replacement ticket to the same ticket (floor) for",
"the next night. awesome. so kudos to viagogo. it",
"took some effort but they came through in the",
"end. thank you reddit universe for the good",
"karma."
] |
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] |
a ga ticket for the first night on viagogo, so
|
12 | 23 | 0.77 | 12 |
so recently the adidas yeezy boosts releases like last week (22/08/15)
i woke up really early to try and get a pair from the adidas website. currently at this point i was kinda poor and my new job was going to pay me until 2 weeks.
so i was somehow lucky enough to get a pair! i instantly then paid via my debit card and checked my emails/bank balance and saw the money had gone through.
this was on saturday.
anyway now its wednesday and i have like £60 in my bank account to last me for the trains for the rest of the week for my work, until i get paid. everything is normal i goto the checkout to buy a train ticket... but my card is declined???
i frantacially call my bank to see wtf is going on because as far as i was aware i had like £60 yesterday.
the bank then tell me i actually have minus - £90!
apparently adidas randomly tried to charge me again for my yeezys and fucked up.
i call my work to tell them i cant come again. i get a call later saying i have been sacked as i have been late before.
edit: bank reversed the 2nd £150 that adidas tried to charge and are sending money back to me this week. adidas also admitted they made an error!
|
so basically adidas tried to charge me twice for a pair of yeezys's put me into overdraft, and my work sacked me
|
trusting adidas
|
[
"so recently the adidas yeezy boosts releases like",
"last week (22/08/15)",
"i woke up really early to try and get a pair from",
"the adidas website. currently at this point i was",
"kinda poor and my new job was going to pay me",
"until 2 weeks.",
"so i was somehow lucky enough to get a pair! i",
"instantly then paid via my debit card and checked",
"my emails/bank balance and saw the money had gone",
"through.",
"this was on saturday.",
"anyway now its wednesday and i have like £60 in",
"my bank account to last me for the trains for the",
"rest of the week for my work, until i get paid.",
"everything is normal i goto the checkout to buy a",
"train ticket... but my card is declined???",
"i frantacially call my bank to see wtf is going",
"on because as far as i was aware i had like £60",
"yesterday.",
"the bank then tell me i actually have minus -",
"£90!",
"apparently adidas randomly tried to charge me",
"again for my yeezys and fucked up.",
"i call my work to tell them i cant come again. i",
"get a call later saying i have been sacked as i",
"have been late before.",
"edit: bank reversed the 2nd £150 that adidas",
"tried to charge and are sending money back to me",
"this week. adidas also admitted they made an",
"error!"
] |
[
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] |
so i was somehow lucky enough to get a pair! i rest of the week for my work, until i get paid. apparently adidas randomly tried to charge me
|
0 | 6 | 0.44 | 0 |
(happened 2 day ago)
background info:
im italian, im 21 and i study in london. during the winter and summer break, i go back to italy where i have an extremely bad internet and none of my equipment.
on sunday, i had the brilliant idea of upgrading, from windows 7, to windows 10. i heard a lot of good things about this new os from both the internet and all of my closest friends so i decided to "make the jump".
keep in mind, in my laptop i have 1 ssd (256gb) for the os and main apps and an hdd (750gb) for storage.
followed the instructions, made the upgrade on my ssd. everything worked extremely fine.
smooth as no other os i ever tried before.
turned off the laptop and turned it on again and again... everything worked perfectly...
turned the laptop off and the morning after i turned it back on...
bsod..
windows was not able to boot.
tried to recover the os through the built-in utility.
was not able.
decided to wipe my ssd and install windows 8.1 since a friend of mine had an extra oem + key.
installed windows 8.1, updated the drivers.
updated the bios.
reboot.
windows does not recognize my hdd...
bios does not recognize my hdd...
where the fuck is my hdd?!
decided to remove it and plug it in as an external usb drive.
click... click... click...
no spinning.. only click.. click.. click...
hdd is broken.
i had over 100gb of gameplays that i planned to use for the only source of income i have at the moment.. youtube...
i am now left with a broken hdd, no money and no way to gain any income through youtube...
i would go and find myself as job but, i'm only gonna stay here for 2 more weeks... in italy there are no weekly paid jobs and, in general, they do not hire for less than a month...
ah yeah, my parents did not share with me the fact that, taken away the tuition fee for my uni and general expenses for food, we are kinda broke...
if you got any ideas on either how to fix my hdd or help my family out, pm me
|
upgraded to windows 10, hdd broke and i'm left with no money nor the ability to make some...
|
installing windows 10...
|
[
"(happened 2 day ago)\nbackground info:",
"im italian, im 21 and i study in london. during",
"the winter and summer break, i go back to italy",
"where i have an extremely bad internet and none",
"of my equipment.",
"on sunday, i had the brilliant idea of upgrading,",
"from windows 7, to windows 10. i heard a lot of",
"good things about this new os from both the",
"internet and all of my closest friends so i",
"decided to \"make the jump\".",
"keep in mind, in my laptop i have 1 ssd (256gb)",
"for the os and main apps and an hdd (750gb) for",
"storage.",
"followed the instructions, made the upgrade on my",
"ssd. everything worked extremely fine.",
"smooth as no other os i ever tried before.",
"turned off the laptop and turned it on again and",
"again... everything worked perfectly...",
"turned the laptop off and the morning after i",
"turned it back on...",
"bsod..\nwindows was not able to boot.",
"tried to recover the os through the built-in",
"utility.",
"was not able.",
"decided to wipe my ssd and install windows 8.1",
"since a friend of mine had an extra oem + key.",
"installed windows 8.1, updated the drivers.",
"updated the bios.\nreboot.",
"windows does not recognize my hdd...",
"bios does not recognize my hdd...",
"where the fuck is my hdd?!",
"decided to remove it and plug it in as an",
"external usb drive.",
"click... click... click...",
"no spinning.. only click.. click.. click...",
"hdd is broken.",
"i had over 100gb of gameplays that i planned to",
"use for the only source of income i have at the",
"moment.. youtube...",
"i am now left with a broken hdd, no money and no",
"way to gain any income through youtube...",
"i would go and find myself as job but, i'm only",
"gonna stay here for 2 more weeks... in italy",
"there are no weekly paid jobs and, in general,",
"they do not hire for less than a month...",
"ah yeah, my parents did not share with me the",
"fact that, taken away the tuition fee for my uni",
"and general expenses for food, we are kinda",
"broke...",
"if you got any ideas on either how to fix my hdd",
"or help my family out, pm me"
] |
[
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] |
decided to "make the jump". i am now left with a broken hdd, no money and no
|
0 | 6 | 0.13 | 0 |
(note: i'm on mobile, sorry for format, this also happened a year ago)tifu by freezing a brand new display model of a galaxy. so its around 11:30 in the morning, me and my family just arrived at costco to do our shopping for meat and stuff. i ask my dad if i can go to the front of the store and look at the new tv's, phones, tablets etc. (here it comes, the fu)so i'm at the front checking out a new floor model of the samsung galaxy tab 10in. and i had watched a video of easter eggs for android 4.4.0 kitkat, so i decided to try out the egg where i had to repeatedly had to tap on the software version bar thingy and hope i would get the result i wanted. so i got my result and i decided i should return to the home page by pressing the back button instead of the home button(yes, stupid i know) and when i try it, it doesn't want to return. i stay for a bit, hoping nobody would notice. i then proceed to leave it alone for a bit and just walk away. i look back at the tablet and i see this asian couple trying to check it out but they see it was stuck on the screen that said android kitkat imitating the wrapper of a kitkat bar, so i think they had someone come check it out and reset it but i walked away before i could see anything else about the situation.
|
. i froze a galaxy tab 10in. at costco, noped away, couple tried to work it, no luck.
|
freezing a new galaxy at a costco
|
[
"(note: i'm on mobile, sorry for format, this also",
"happened a year ago)tifu by freezing a brand new",
"display model of a galaxy. so its around 11:30 in",
"the morning, me and my family just arrived at",
"costco to do our shopping for meat and stuff. i",
"ask my dad if i can go to the front of the store",
"and look at the new tv's, phones, tablets etc.",
"(here it comes, the fu)so i'm at the front",
"checking out a new floor model of the samsung",
"galaxy tab 10in. and i had watched a video of",
"easter eggs for android 4.4.0 kitkat, so i",
"decided to try out the egg where i had to",
"repeatedly had to tap on the software version bar",
"thingy and hope i would get the result i wanted.",
"so i got my result and i decided i should return",
"to the home page by pressing the back button",
"instead of the home button(yes, stupid i know)",
"and when i try it, it doesn't want to return. i",
"stay for a bit, hoping nobody would notice. i",
"then proceed to leave it alone for a bit and just",
"walk away. i look back at the tablet and i see",
"this asian couple trying to check it out but they",
"see it was stuck on the screen that said android",
"kitkat imitating the wrapper of a kitkat bar, so",
"i think they had someone come check it out and",
"reset it but i walked away before i could see",
"anything else about the situation."
] |
[
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0
] |
galaxy tab 10in. and i had watched a video of this asian couple trying to check it out but they
|
0 | 1 | 0.33 | 0 |
more like last friday though.
i've only been driving for a year and a half. ever since i got my license, i've been the taxi for my brother.
so last friday, i had to take him to work. as usual, i had about 5 minutes to get him there due to him dragging his feet getting ready. everything goes smoothly until i get to the turn for the street where his work is. it was a green light but no green arrow. there's a car in front of me, pulled up and waiting to turn, so i pull up behind them. the oncoming traffic stops to let people turn. guy in front of me turns, so i stupidly follow behind and just as i'm nearly around the corner, dude comes up the left hand oncoming lane and thumps me in the left headlight.
yay first accident. now i'm on the hook for maybe over $1000 (find out tomorrow how much the other guy is quoted for fixing his panels. i'm hoping that because he came away with mostly scratches on the front and a couple of slightly popped panels that he put back in place before he left, it'll be cheap.)
oh, and my parents have gone back to being really unimpressed with me. any small amount of good vibes i might have earned over the last few months is now gone. that'll really improve our not so great relationship.
|
in hurry to get bro to work. turned corner when i shouldn't have, got ran into, parents really upset with me.
|
not looking before turning.
|
[
"more like last friday though.",
"i've only been driving for a year and a half.",
"ever since i got my license, i've been the taxi",
"for my brother.",
"so last friday, i had to take him to work. as",
"usual, i had about 5 minutes to get him there due",
"to him dragging his feet getting ready.",
"everything goes smoothly until i get to the turn",
"for the street where his work is. it was a green",
"light but no green arrow. there's a car in front",
"of me, pulled up and waiting to turn, so i pull",
"up behind them. the oncoming traffic stops to let",
"people turn. guy in front of me turns, so i",
"stupidly follow behind and just as i'm nearly",
"around the corner, dude comes up the left hand",
"oncoming lane and thumps me in the left",
"headlight.",
"yay first accident. now i'm on the hook for maybe",
"over $1000 (find out tomorrow how much the other",
"guy is quoted for fixing his panels. i'm hoping",
"that because he came away with mostly scratches",
"on the front and a couple of slightly popped",
"panels that he put back in place before he left,",
"it'll be cheap.)",
"oh, and my parents have gone back to being really",
"unimpressed with me. any small amount of good",
"vibes i might have earned over the last few",
"months is now gone. that'll really improve our",
"not so great relationship."
] |
[
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0
] |
so last friday, i had to take him to work. as oh, and my parents have gone back to being really unimpressed with me. any small amount of good
|
3 | 11 | 0.54 | 3 |
so this was 4 days ago. on friday i had to submit a paper online for my engl 1101 class. i did all my research, cited my sources, everything was perfect, or so i thought. so because i work full time and have a 3 year old i'm usually doing school work the day it's due and pretty late in the day. so here is where i fucked up, you know when you're typing a text in your phone and you double tap the space bar and it automatically inserts a period? well guess what, that doesn't work on an actual keyboard. a 5 page paper and i didn't have a single period, not a damn one. so i went and checked my grade this afternoon, and i failed, because my entire paper was one extremely long run on sentence.
|
haven't used a keyboard in forever, failed the first paper i write for college
|
because i haven't used a computer in years
|
[
"so this was 4 days ago. on friday i had to submit",
"a paper online for my engl 1101 class. i did all",
"my research, cited my sources, everything was",
"perfect, or so i thought. so because i work full",
"time and have a 3 year old i'm usually doing",
"school work the day it's due and pretty late in",
"the day. so here is where i fucked up, you know",
"when you're typing a text in your phone and you",
"double tap the space bar and it automatically",
"inserts a period? well guess what, that doesn't",
"work on an actual keyboard. a 5 page paper and i",
"didn't have a single period, not a damn one. so i",
"went and checked my grade this afternoon, and i",
"failed, because my entire paper was one extremely",
"long run on sentence."
] |
[
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] |
school work the day it's due and pretty late in work on an actual keyboard. a 5 page paper and i
|
1 | 1 | 0.67 | 1 |
actually screwed up last week, but just found out today. started going to college on the 20th at a really nice school. i'm in the military so i should be getting tuition assistance. only thing is, it turns out that when you are starting class in the military, you have to first fill out a forum asking for permission to begin a degree program, then fill out a different forum right before class starts to get approved for tuition assistance. i figured they were both part of the first process and didn't look into it further until my school asked for the tuition assistance letter. went to get it and it informed me that i needed to start the tuition assistance paperwork prior to starting the class. the school i'm going to has a scholarship that would have covered most of the remaining cost, but it requires me to have tuition assistance. now instead of paying around $250 for fees and books, it's around $3000, due in full around october. guess that'll be a good time to make my most expensive credit card purchase yet!
|
tried going to school while in the military. screwed up tuition assistance. now i have to come up with a way to pay $3,000 instead of $250 by the end of class.
|
making a $3000 bill out of a $175 bill
|
[
"actually screwed up last week, but just found out",
"today. started going to college on the 20th at a",
"really nice school. i'm in the military so i",
"should be getting tuition assistance. only thing",
"is, it turns out that when you are starting class",
"in the military, you have to first fill out a",
"forum asking for permission to begin a degree",
"program, then fill out a different forum right",
"before class starts to get approved for tuition",
"assistance. i figured they were both part of the",
"first process and didn't look into it further",
"until my school asked for the tuition assistance",
"letter. went to get it and it informed me that i",
"needed to start the tuition assistance paperwork",
"prior to starting the class. the school i'm going",
"to has a scholarship that would have covered most",
"of the remaining cost, but it requires me to have",
"tuition assistance. now instead of paying around",
"$250 for fees and books, it's around $3000, due",
"in full around october. guess that'll be a good",
"time to make my most expensive credit card",
"purchase yet!"
] |
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in the military, you have to first fill out a prior to starting the class. the school i'm going tuition assistance. now instead of paying around
|
1 | 2 | 1 | 1 |
we got some pretty bad storms yesterday and last night from what remained of tropical storm erika, so traffic was a nightmare on the way to work this morning from the wet roads and the occasional tree limb in the street. after inching along for what seemed like forever, i made it to an exit that would take me to work. this isn't the normal way i go, because this way is takes a little longer and is a single lane each way road for a few miles. just a little more annoying to drive than the interstate, but with traffic this option seemed grand.
so i get off the exit and after about a mile on backroad, i have to swerve to avoid a low hanging tree limb from the storm. because i'm such a good guy, i decide to pull over and stop, get out, and remove the low hanging limb so nobody else has to swerve or cracks their windshield. so i pull the limb down and throw it in the ditch, and jump back in my truck. when i start to drive forward, i notice that the truck isn't going anywhere, and there's mud slinging up all over the road. put the truck in 4wd... no luck. stuck. luckily i have towing insurance (only through certain tow services), and a coworker was nearby and picked me up. so i called the tow company on the way, and they told me it would be 2 hours. 3 hours pass and i didn't hear anything. i called and they said they were busy from the night before, so it would be another 2 hours. 3 hours later, nothing. so i called back and she said she would call the driver. the gets back on the phone and said the driver is there now, but my truck wasn't there, but there were marks in the mud from where someone towed it out. they confirmed it was nobody from their towing company, so i immediately assumed it was stolen. then a coworker reminded me that it was on personal property, so someone probably called the police to get it towed. sure enough i called the police, and they had someone tow it and gave me their phone number. i called the towing service, but by this time it was 6:05 pm and they close at 6. luckily someone answered, but said i couldn't get my truck tonight. they did inform me that because it was in the mud, it took an extra hour and will cost me $350 to get it out tomorrow.
|
had a storm this weekend. pulled over on the way to work this morning to remove a low hanging tree limb. truck slides into mud. call my towing insurance company. they send tow truck out, but take 7 hours to do it. in the meantime, someone calls the police to get my truck towed. going to cost me $350 instead of insurance. all of being an upstanding citizen.
|
cleaning storm debris out of the road
|
[
"we got some pretty bad storms yesterday and last",
"night from what remained of tropical storm erika,",
"so traffic was a nightmare on the way to work",
"this morning from the wet roads and the",
"occasional tree limb in the street. after inching",
"along for what seemed like forever, i made it to",
"an exit that would take me to work. this isn't",
"the normal way i go, because this way is takes a",
"little longer and is a single lane each way road",
"for a few miles. just a little more annoying to",
"drive than the interstate, but with traffic this",
"option seemed grand.",
"so i get off the exit and after about a mile on",
"backroad, i have to swerve to avoid a low hanging",
"tree limb from the storm. because i'm such a good",
"guy, i decide to pull over and stop, get out, and",
"remove the low hanging limb so nobody else has to",
"swerve or cracks their windshield. so i pull the",
"limb down and throw it in the ditch, and jump",
"back in my truck. when i start to drive forward,",
"i notice that the truck isn't going anywhere, and",
"there's mud slinging up all over the road. put",
"the truck in 4wd... no luck. stuck. luckily i",
"have towing insurance (only through certain tow",
"services), and a coworker was nearby and picked",
"me up. so i called the tow company on the way,",
"and they told me it would be 2 hours. 3 hours",
"pass and i didn't hear anything. i called and",
"they said they were busy from the night before,",
"so it would be another 2 hours. 3 hours later,",
"nothing. so i called back and she said she would",
"call the driver. the gets back on the phone and",
"said the driver is there now, but my truck wasn't",
"there, but there were marks in the mud from where",
"someone towed it out. they confirmed it was",
"nobody from their towing company, so i",
"immediately assumed it was stolen. then a",
"coworker reminded me that it was on personal",
"property, so someone probably called the police",
"to get it towed. sure enough i called the police,",
"and they had someone tow it and gave me their",
"phone number. i called the towing service, but by",
"this time it was 6:05 pm and they close at 6.",
"luckily someone answered, but said i couldn't get",
"my truck tonight. they did inform me that because",
"it was in the mud, it took an extra hour and will",
"cost me $350 to get it out tomorrow."
] |
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occasional tree limb in the street. after inching an exit that would take me to work. this isn't backroad, i have to swerve to avoid a low hanging have towing insurance (only through certain tow me up. so i called the tow company on the way, property, so someone probably called the police my truck tonight. they did inform me that because cost me $350 to get it out tomorrow.
|
9 | 12 | 0.68 | 9 |
so the other weekend i was off camping with friends and to be clear off the hop i don't camp often and am by no means experienced with the outdoors yet somehow i was more prepared than my friends who frequently go on camping trips.
anyways were getting to the dinner hour of our first day out. gonna cook up some delicious steaks, burgers, potatos, bacon, etc.
the meal turned out great, serve out the food to everyone, washable and reuseable camping plates and cutlery one friend brought along with everything we need to bbq.
well everyone was pretty bummed about not really being able to cut a steak with a super dull plastic knife. and here i am cutting mine up with my pocket knife because apparently im actually the only one who brought a sharp knife. ( i always carry mine)
before anyone gets ahead of me no i didnt share my knife for the meal and cut everyones meat for them i let them struggle lol but i did let my friends use it to open packages, cut rope or whatever they needed all the next day because its the only knife.
well my one friend has it and is opening food packs with it or whatever, not sure because it wasnt my turn to cook a meal. well ding dong of a friend is cutting meat with it and who knows what else and left it out on the table covered in meat juice and the such. later in the evening and a bunch of beers later its bed time. i check i have my wallet, i know my phones locked in the car, i check for my knife.... no knife. see it on the table, clip back to pocket, pass out in tent without closing the zipper all the way.
boy let me tell you it was great to wake up in the middle of the night literally covered in ants from the waist down.
i did not know i was capable of making such a high pitched noise but waking up to the tingling of ants all up in yo pants and crawling on your junk and such is not pleasant.
|
friend used my knife (being the only knife) to cut meat, etc... for a meal while camping. didnt clean it, was returned to my pocket and i passed out with it in my pocket. ants in mah pants. panic and unpleasantries ensued.
|
being the only one to bring a knife camping and getting pants full of ants
|
[
"so the other weekend i was off camping with",
"friends and to be clear off the hop i don't camp",
"often and am by no means experienced with the",
"outdoors yet somehow i was more prepared than my",
"friends who frequently go on camping trips.",
"anyways were getting to the dinner hour of our",
"first day out. gonna cook up some delicious",
"steaks, burgers, potatos, bacon, etc.",
"the meal turned out great, serve out the food to",
"everyone, washable and reuseable camping plates",
"and cutlery one friend brought along with",
"everything we need to bbq.",
"well everyone was pretty bummed about not really",
"being able to cut a steak with a super dull",
"plastic knife. and here i am cutting mine up with",
"my pocket knife because apparently im actually",
"the only one who brought a sharp knife. ( i",
"always carry mine)",
"before anyone gets ahead of me no i didnt share",
"my knife for the meal and cut everyones meat for",
"them i let them struggle lol but i did let my",
"friends use it to open packages, cut rope or",
"whatever they needed all the next day because its",
"the only knife.",
"well my one friend has it and is opening food",
"packs with it or whatever, not sure because it",
"wasnt my turn to cook a meal. well ding dong of a",
"friend is cutting meat with it and who knows what",
"else and left it out on the table covered in meat",
"juice and the such. later in the evening and a",
"bunch of beers later its bed time. i check i have",
"my wallet, i know my phones locked in the car, i",
"check for my knife.... no knife. see it on the",
"table, clip back to pocket, pass out in tent",
"without closing the zipper all the way.",
"boy let me tell you it was great to wake up in",
"the middle of the night literally covered in ants",
"from the waist down.",
"i did not know i was capable of making such a",
"high pitched noise but waking up to the tingling",
"of ants all up in yo pants and crawling on your",
"junk and such is not pleasant."
] |
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so the other weekend i was off camping with being able to cut a steak with a super dull my knife for the meal and cut everyones meat for the only knife. friend is cutting meat with it and who knows what
|
1 | 1 | 0.67 | 1 |
well this wonderful fuck up happened this past weekend. some background: i was working the weekend for my summer job which is about to end. my job's a pretty relaxed retail atmosphere overall, but i haven't pushed my luck at all.
so during the end of my lunch break my friends tell me that they decided to drop by to shop and see me. i tell them that i have to go back to working but they're welcome to drop by and see me where i work in the store. i tell them not to make a scene when they see me because it's during the peak time of the year and there's always something for me to be doing.
so they come around the corner 15 minutes later, i say "hey guys, you caught me at a good time in between customer waves." my other friend shakes my hand and walks straight towards the window, leaving my red headed goober of a friend alone with me. oh boy.
my friend looks up at me and says, "can i hug you?"
"yeah of course." 30 seconds into the latch of death, i say, "yeah, you need to stop."
she looks up at me. "i'm sorry, i had a rough day. my dog died."
oh, her family dog died that sucks. "oh."
my friend stared back at me.
wait, she has a puppy. "your puppy?!"
my friend starts tearing up.
well it was back home out of state, so at least she didn't have to see it pass. "oh."
my friend stares at me again.
oh shit, she just brought it back to school this semester. "wait, what happened?"
and the tears start rolling down her face "he got hit by a car this morning."
(insert twenty, i'm so sorry with a few hugs)
"... and that's how it all went down. i don't care what people say about tanner, but he was right there with me and helped me with it all."
me: "yeah, tanner's a great guy! he's so helpful with anything!"
friend: "i don't know what i would have done if he wasn't there, he just has the best personality."
me:"yeah, all his friends keep telling me he has the personality of a puppy."
ensue silence followed by more crying, now followed by judgmental looks from customers passing by.
**
|
; my friend came to my work after her puppy was killed. i tried to console her by telling her that the guy that helped her handle the situation had the personality of a "puppy".**
|
trying to console my friend
|
[
"well this wonderful fuck up happened this past",
"weekend. some background: i was working the",
"weekend for my summer job which is about to end.",
"my job's a pretty relaxed retail atmosphere",
"overall, but i haven't pushed my luck at all.",
"so during the end of my lunch break my friends",
"tell me that they decided to drop by to shop and",
"see me. i tell them that i have to go back to",
"working but they're welcome to drop by and see me",
"where i work in the store. i tell them not to",
"make a scene when they see me because it's during",
"the peak time of the year and there's always",
"something for me to be doing.",
"so they come around the corner 15 minutes later,",
"i say \"hey guys, you caught me at a good time in",
"between customer waves.\" my other friend shakes",
"my hand and walks straight towards the window,",
"leaving my red headed goober of a friend alone",
"with me. oh boy.",
"my friend looks up at me and says, \"can i hug",
"you?\"",
"\"yeah of course.\" 30 seconds into the latch of",
"death, i say, \"yeah, you need to stop.\"",
"she looks up at me. \"i'm sorry, i had a rough",
"day. my dog died.\"",
"oh, her family dog died that sucks. \"oh.\"",
"my friend stared back at me.",
"wait, she has a puppy. \"your puppy?!\"",
"my friend starts tearing up.",
"well it was back home out of state, so at least",
"she didn't have to see it pass. \"oh.\"",
"my friend stares at me again.",
"oh shit, she just brought it back to school this",
"semester. \"wait, what happened?\"",
"and the tears start rolling down her face \"he got",
"hit by a car this morning.\"",
"(insert twenty, i'm so sorry with a few hugs)",
"\"... and that's how it all went down. i don't",
"care what people say about tanner, but he was",
"right there with me and helped me with it all.\"",
"me: \"yeah, tanner's a great guy! he's so helpful",
"with anything!\"",
"friend: \"i don't know what i would have done if",
"he wasn't there, he just has the best",
"personality.\"",
"me:\"yeah, all his friends keep telling me he has",
"the personality of a puppy.\"",
"ensue silence followed by more crying, now",
"followed by judgmental looks from customers",
"passing by.",
"**"
] |
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weekend. some background: i was working the my friend starts tearing up. the personality of a puppy." passing by.
|
14 | 4 | 0.84 | 14 |
today (yes, actually happened today) was my first day of school. i decided to wear my favorite jacket, like i always do and it had never caused any problems before. well you see, summer in the dominican republic isn't exactly a cold time (neither is winter), so i started to sweat a lot. i thought nothing of it, until i started getting a little dizzy. still, i thought maybe it had been something i ate. suddenly my vision starts darkening and i know exactly what's happening, because i have actually fainted from heat before, except this time i had the common sense to tell an adult, who then took me to the infirmary where i sat down, drank some water, and took the damn jacket off. when i finally made it to class, i was told that i got so pale i actually started turning green,g which i still can't believe. throughout the rest of the day teachers as they introduced themselves asked if i was okay, while some of my classmates didn't even know what had happened.
edit: you people really don't get the emotional bond i have with my jacket.
|
don't wear anything more than a shirt and pants in the dominican republic.
|
wearing a jacket
|
[
"today (yes, actually happened today) was my first",
"day of school. i decided to wear my favorite",
"jacket, like i always do and it had never caused",
"any problems before. well you see, summer in the",
"dominican republic isn't exactly a cold time",
"(neither is winter), so i started to sweat a lot.",
"i thought nothing of it, until i started getting",
"a little dizzy. still, i thought maybe it had",
"been something i ate. suddenly my vision starts",
"darkening and i know exactly what's happening,",
"because i have actually fainted from heat before,",
"except this time i had the common sense to tell",
"an adult, who then took me to the infirmary where",
"i sat down, drank some water, and took the damn",
"jacket off. when i finally made it to class, i",
"was told that i got so pale i actually started",
"turning green,g which i still can't believe.",
"throughout the rest of the day teachers as they",
"introduced themselves asked if i was okay, while",
"some of my classmates didn't even know what had",
"happened.",
"edit: you people really don't get the emotional",
"bond i have with my jacket."
] |
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any problems before. well you see, summer in the dominican republic isn't exactly a cold time
|
48 | 42 | 0.87 | 48 |
per usual, this wasn't today but a handful of years ago.
i was a competitive pistol shooter for a couple years but with my work schedule and the obscene cost of shooting, i decided i would sell one of my setups and cut my losses on the competitive circuit. i made a post on facebook about a pistol for sale and had a lot of inquiries but no one looking to spend the type of money i was looking for. then my cousins boyfriend called me and said his friend was looking for a new pistol and he would vouch for him. they're both gym rats and work out together every day.
the buyer comes to my house in his brand new mercedes, wearing all designer clothes. he was ex navy and was working as an engineer now. he was easy to talk to and knew his way around firearms. he shot the pistol a few times, then we did the necessary paperwork for a transfer of a gun in my state. i make sure to do everything legally because you never know what will come back to bite you in the ass. he handed me a wad of $100 bills and drove off.
i never thought twice about the sale until a month or two later when my cousin sends me a link to a news story. apparently he decided to carjack someone in a beat up grand am with a .45 pistol.. he was seen doing it and followed by a good samaritan who called him in to the police. they recovered the weapon and arrested him on the spot.
the story gets much deeper from there.. including leaving the country, smuggling cash, orgies, a plot to assassinate a venezuelan gang member, kidnap a prominent venezuelan business man, and landing himself on interpol's most wanted list.. but thankfully i keep my paperwork very organized and never got in any kind of questioning.
|
sold a gun to a well off engineer, which he used to carjack a lady in a 2000 grand am. now i want to buy the movie rights.
|
selling a pistol to someone i didn't personally know.
|
[
"per usual, this wasn't today but a handful of",
"years ago.",
"i was a competitive pistol shooter for a couple",
"years but with my work schedule and the obscene",
"cost of shooting, i decided i would sell one of",
"my setups and cut my losses on the competitive",
"circuit. i made a post on facebook about a pistol",
"for sale and had a lot of inquiries but no one",
"looking to spend the type of money i was looking",
"for. then my cousins boyfriend called me and said",
"his friend was looking for a new pistol and he",
"would vouch for him. they're both gym rats and",
"work out together every day.",
"the buyer comes to my house in his brand new",
"mercedes, wearing all designer clothes. he was ex",
"navy and was working as an engineer now. he was",
"easy to talk to and knew his way around firearms.",
"he shot the pistol a few times, then we did the",
"necessary paperwork for a transfer of a gun in my",
"state. i make sure to do everything legally",
"because you never know what will come back to",
"bite you in the ass. he handed me a wad of $100",
"bills and drove off.",
"i never thought twice about the sale until a",
"month or two later when my cousin sends me a link",
"to a news story. apparently he decided to carjack",
"someone in a beat up grand am with a .45 pistol..",
"he was seen doing it and followed by a good",
"samaritan who called him in to the police. they",
"recovered the weapon and arrested him on the",
"spot.",
"the story gets much deeper from there.. including",
"leaving the country, smuggling cash, orgies, a",
"plot to assassinate a venezuelan gang member,",
"kidnap a prominent venezuelan business man, and",
"landing himself on interpol's most wanted list..",
"but thankfully i keep my paperwork very organized",
"and never got in any kind of questioning."
] |
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0.07931799270715677,
0.09553944770720965
] |
bills and drove off. to a news story. apparently he decided to carjack someone in a beat up grand am with a .45 pistol..
|
0 | 5 | 0.5 | 0 |
guys, i fucked up. i really fucked up. i'm really into this girl. i have been for quite some time now. all of my friends have been bugging me for months telling me to make a move. i really wanted to, but i am a little shy and was kinda afraid to. and you know what? fuck me for being such a pussy. so today we're hanging out. having a great time and couldn't be happier. so she needs to go early and says it's because she is going to get house decor. why? because she is moving. at first i'm not worried because i thought it wouldn't be far. well, i was wrong. she is moving across the country. i really wish i would've gone for it. my advice to you is if you are into someone, go for it. fucking go for it because you never know what could happen.
|
didn't go for someone who i liked quickly enough. now she is moving and i am sad :(
|
not making a move
|
[
"guys, i fucked up. i really fucked up. i'm really",
"into this girl. i have been for quite some time",
"now. all of my friends have been bugging me for",
"months telling me to make a move. i really wanted",
"to, but i am a little shy and was kinda afraid",
"to. and you know what? fuck me for being such a",
"pussy. so today we're hanging out. having a great",
"time and couldn't be happier. so she needs to go",
"early and says it's because she is going to get",
"house decor. why? because she is moving. at first",
"i'm not worried because i thought it wouldn't be",
"far. well, i was wrong. she is moving across the",
"country. i really wish i would've gone for it. my",
"advice to you is if you are into someone, go for",
"it. fucking go for it because you never know what",
"could happen."
] |
[
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0
] |
far. well, i was wrong. she is moving across the advice to you is if you are into someone, go for
|
10 | 3 | 0.76 | 10 |
okay, this happened a long time ago, but i remember it crystal clear as if it was yesterday.
i was in primary school in the midst of one of my favourite lessons, ict/it. my class and i were sitting in the computer room waiting to be let onto the computers (teacher liked to brief us for twenty minutes on what we are doing before allowing us to use the computers) listening to... we'll call her mrs rolo. anyways, mrs rolo comes to the end of her briefing on today's ict/it task and finally allows us onto the computer, and today it was my turn to go onto the computers teacher!
(every student would get to use the teachers computer at least once if their behaviour was good in the ict/it lessons, that day was my scheduled day)
so i quickly rush onto the computer, keen to be in the seat of power. here is where i fucked up, at the age of 7 years old, when i had the memories of last nights episode of tom & jerry running through my mind, i let it slip from my mind that this very special computer was hooked up to the projector that projects the computers screen on the wall for everyone to see.
trying to impress my two friends beside me, i whispered "look at this" as i typed out "lesbian penuses" (yes i did spell it penuses back then) obviously we're all sniggering and laughing our asses off, two seconds later and the whole class is laughing and pointing at the wall behind me. what do i turn around and see projected on the wall in all its glory? that's right, "lesbian penuses" is sprawled across the wall in large bold writing. my computer was quickly turned off and i was immediately pulled out of the classroom, taken to the head teachers office to be given a telling off about the usage of bad words and my mother called, to inform her of my new found vocabulary.
|
went on teachers computer that was connected to a projector, projecting onto the wall, wrote "lesbian penuses" and got caught & punished.
|
typing on my teachers computer.
|
[
"okay, this happened a long time ago, but i",
"remember it crystal clear as if it was yesterday.",
"i was in primary school in the midst of one of my",
"favourite lessons, ict/it. my class and i were",
"sitting in the computer room waiting to be let",
"onto the computers (teacher liked to brief us for",
"twenty minutes on what we are doing before",
"allowing us to use the computers) listening to...",
"we'll call her mrs rolo. anyways, mrs rolo comes",
"to the end of her briefing on today's ict/it task",
"and finally allows us onto the computer, and",
"today it was my turn to go onto the computers",
"teacher!",
"(every student would get to use the teachers",
"computer at least once if their behaviour was",
"good in the ict/it lessons, that day was my",
"scheduled day)",
"so i quickly rush onto the computer, keen to be",
"in the seat of power. here is where i fucked up,",
"at the age of 7 years old, when i had the",
"memories of last nights episode of tom & jerry",
"running through my mind, i let it slip from my",
"mind that this very special computer was hooked",
"up to the projector that projects the computers",
"screen on the wall for everyone to see.",
"trying to impress my two friends beside me, i",
"whispered \"look at this\" as i typed out \"lesbian",
"penuses\" (yes i did spell it penuses back then)",
"obviously we're all sniggering and laughing our",
"asses off, two seconds later and the whole class",
"is laughing and pointing at the wall behind me.",
"what do i turn around and see projected on the",
"wall in all its glory? that's right, \"lesbian",
"penuses\" is sprawled across the wall in large",
"bold writing. my computer was quickly turned off",
"and i was immediately pulled out of the",
"classroom, taken to the head teachers office to",
"be given a telling off about the usage of bad",
"words and my mother called, to inform her of my",
"new found vocabulary."
] |
[
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0
] |
and finally allows us onto the computer, and up to the projector that projects the computers screen on the wall for everyone to see.
|
0 | 2 | 0.4 | 0 |
one of my friends - let's call him j - was stoked to have his friends back at university with him, and he invited myself and some other friends - whom i'll refer to as p, a, and t - to play some games at his home and hang out before classes really start up. j makes a comment about how we should play risk because there were enough people to play a full game, and all of us were on board with the idea.
t rolls high enough to go first, and he slams a piece down on australia ^because he's a horrible person. j goes next, nestling down in iceland (europe). p is next, and he sets a piece down in north america. i set my first piece down in japan, and realizing a pattern - that all of us had set up shop in the sections of the map that matched the color of our game pieces - j comments that there's black portion on the map for a to put his pieces. he responded by saying that he'll just take africa, because his pieces are black. we all giggled like prepubescent schoolchildren and continued to place our pieces on the board.
the game starts, and t - who thought it was a brilliant idea to just hole up on australia^(because he's a terrible human being) and sweep through southeast asia to conquer europe - gets massacred. the meager amount of pieces he had in south america got taken down by p and thus, t's presence in the game of risk was no more.
j, realizing that p is a force to be reckonned with, starts his invasion of north america. a starts to infringe on both europe and asia in an attempt to reduce the number of extra troops j and i receive at the beginning of our turns, so the two of us came to the agreement that we would need to push a's troops back into africa while also whittling down p's forces. a's military proves strong, but we hold back his troops and p's army buckles under the weight of several terrible dice rolls.
at this point, j had his army spread too thin. a was putting on serious pressure and had managed to conquer south america. i shoveled troops into north america to prevent a from expanding anymore while j recovered in europe. at this point, it seemed like a simple task to just betray j and take all of europe for myself, but he propositioned me.
"jducalisson," he said. "the two of us, with our powers combined, can just swoop in and take all of africa! a has been getting too far! we need to kill all of the **redacted**!"
no idea whether or not tifu is tolerant of awful, awful racial slurs, so we'll just say that j suggested we killed all of the ninjas. yeah, *ninjas*.
t and p, who had been out of the game for a while now, heard this and started chanting "kill the ninjas, kill the ninjas." of course, j joined in with this chant, and a and i stared deep into each other's eyes until i too decided that all of the ninjas needed to die. so i joined in the chant.
after about a minute of chanting, i hear someone snickering, and i look to see j's father standing on the stairs filming us with a cell phone camera. when we turned around, he said "oh shit" and fled upstairs - with some pretty incriminating evidence should one of us ever commit any hate crimes, or blackmail, should one of us ever run for politcal office. that particular game of risk was promptly ended, and i don't think any of us have any plans on playing it again in the near future.
|
there's a cell phone video out there of my friends and i chanting for the complete and utter destruction of an ethnic minority.
|
saying racist things while playing risk.
|
[
"one of my friends - let's call him j - was stoked",
"to have his friends back at university with him,",
"and he invited myself and some other friends -",
"whom i'll refer to as p, a, and t - to play some",
"games at his home and hang out before classes",
"really start up. j makes a comment about how we",
"should play risk because there were enough people",
"to play a full game, and all of us were on board",
"with the idea.",
"t rolls high enough to go first, and he slams a",
"piece down on australia ^because he's a horrible",
"person. j goes next, nestling down in iceland",
"(europe). p is next, and he sets a piece down in",
"north america. i set my first piece down in",
"japan, and realizing a pattern - that all of us",
"had set up shop in the sections of the map that",
"matched the color of our game pieces - j comments",
"that there's black portion on the map for a to",
"put his pieces. he responded by saying that he'll",
"just take africa, because his pieces are black.",
"we all giggled like prepubescent schoolchildren",
"and continued to place our pieces on the board.",
"the game starts, and t - who thought it was a",
"brilliant idea to just hole up on",
"australia^(because he's a terrible human being)",
"and sweep through southeast asia to conquer",
"europe - gets massacred. the meager amount of",
"pieces he had in south america got taken down by",
"p and thus, t's presence in the game of risk was",
"no more.",
"j, realizing that p is a force to be reckonned",
"with, starts his invasion of north america. a",
"starts to infringe on both europe and asia in an",
"attempt to reduce the number of extra troops j",
"and i receive at the beginning of our turns, so",
"the two of us came to the agreement that we would",
"need to push a's troops back into africa while",
"also whittling down p's forces. a's military",
"proves strong, but we hold back his troops and",
"p's army buckles under the weight of several",
"terrible dice rolls.",
"at this point, j had his army spread too thin. a",
"was putting on serious pressure and had managed",
"to conquer south america. i shoveled troops into",
"north america to prevent a from expanding anymore",
"while j recovered in europe. at this point, it",
"seemed like a simple task to just betray j and",
"take all of europe for myself, but he",
"propositioned me.",
"\"jducalisson,\" he said. \"the two of us, with our",
"powers combined, can just swoop in and take all",
"of africa! a has been getting too far! we need to",
"kill all of the **redacted**!\"",
"no idea whether or not tifu is tolerant of awful,",
"awful racial slurs, so we'll just say that j",
"suggested we killed all of the ninjas. yeah,",
"*ninjas*.",
"t and p, who had been out of the game for a while",
"now, heard this and started chanting \"kill the",
"ninjas, kill the ninjas.\" of course, j joined in",
"with this chant, and a and i stared deep into",
"each other's eyes until i too decided that all of",
"the ninjas needed to die. so i joined in the",
"chant.",
"after about a minute of chanting, i hear someone",
"snickering, and i look to see j's father standing",
"on the stairs filming us with a cell phone",
"camera. when we turned around, he said \"oh shit\"",
"and fled upstairs - with some pretty",
"incriminating evidence should one of us ever",
"commit any hate crimes, or blackmail, should one",
"of us ever run for politcal office. that",
"particular game of risk was promptly ended, and i",
"don't think any of us have any plans on playing",
"it again in the near future."
] |
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one of my friends - let's call him j - was stoked on the stairs filming us with a cell phone particular game of risk was promptly ended, and i
|
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