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not sure if this counts as a fu, but if it does, here it goes. this happened starting around january of this solar year and during the last school year. also, there’s a load of exposition because this is one elaborate fu. hang tight and enjoy. :)
so a little bit of background before we start, at my school, the latin club(jcl) has the most financial assets and is the biggest of any club on campus. our school club hosts a state convention often and each convention brings in a couple grand so we're pretty rich. because this club has so much money, we get tasked with throwing the school's winter formal and we often make it the second best dance of the year (first being prom, which we actually beat last year). like i said earlier, the club is pretty big, so the club’s board is big as well to accommodate all the jobs that need to be completed. last year, i was the artistic commissioner and along with 3 other people, we were charged with completing all the artistic jobs including murals, banners, and advertisements for winter formal and jcl in general.
our advisor/teacher wanted us to make a small bid for winter formal. for those of you that are unfamiliar with a bid, its a small 4x6 card with the dance info(time, place, etc) on the back and a hand drawn picture on the front. our theme for the dance was inception and i, thinking to do a good deed and my job, volunteered to draw the bid. so after 2 weeks of brainstorm, i decided to draw a picture of leonardo dicaprio and this idea was widely received by my peers. now, lets introduce a new person to this story. her name is something i will keep confidential, so lets call her veruca salt(haha, get it? cuz she's salty? well i guess you have to read the rest of the story to understand the salty part.) this person had been friendly to me for a good 2 years, so i generally trusted her and her judgment. her position that year was publicity and our club president had allowed the publicity duo to help us in preparation for the artwork. i was totally happy to be working with all these people and although there were some ups and downs, we generally got along fine. so along comes the deadline for the artwork and the night before, i stay up until 12am-1am in the morning to perfect it. veruca wanted a corridor with an ambiguous and upside-down person in the background and initially, i agreed. but after trying it out, i realized that it looked too cluttered and wasn’t something i could pull off nicely. so as the responsible commissioner that i am, i did what i felt was in the best interest of the club and change the background to joseph g-l. it’s a small change since its just the background so how bad could it be right? i get to school the next day and i’m carefully handling the picture(which was drawn on normal printer paper) and throughout the day, people are complimenting the piece. i use this as reassurance and i finally get to my last period of the day- latin. i give the piece to my teacher and he takes it and says he likes it.
“great!” i think to myself “all that work was worth it.”
the next day, i get to school and i go through my classes again and finally get to latin. the first thing that i notice is that my teacher looks angry. then i notice that my drawing was gone from his desk. he calls me up to speak to me privately and when i get up, he explains the entire situation. apparently, veruca had come in that morning and when she saw the picture, she flipped out harder than a dolphin from seaworld. actually in retrospect, flipped out does not do justice to describe the level of anger and resentment that veruca had acquired. she was absolutely livid that i had overridden her desires in the late of night. thus she had taken the drawing home and made a photocopy, hand drawing a new background. i profusely apologized to my teacher and told him that i didn’t know she would react this badly. i felt really bad and i didn’t know that she was a vengeful person at the time. i even offered to withdraw my drawing and my teacher vetoed my offer. he said that he genuinely liked my drawing better than hers so he let me make the final call- either all 600 bids would be my drawing, or our drawings would be split between the 600 bids evenly. btw for those of you wondering, this teacher is really something special. he isn’t the type to bs you or sugar coat his opinion. he cares deeply for each of his students and when he says something, he means it so when he said he liked mine better, i’m pretty sure he wasn’t saying that just for kicks. anyways, i decide on splitting the bids 50/50 and i go on my merry way. i never told veruca of our conversation and i don’t know if my teacher filled her in much, but ultimately things smoothed over between us after the bids were printed.
so winter formal passes, and it was a huge hit, hitting a record high amount of sales. everything goes back to normal and we continue through the school year.
finally, the school year is nearing its end and the jcl board members have to re-apply for their positions. we’re each allowed to choose 2 choices for board and i apply for artistic commissioner and tech commissioner. the interviews come and i do fairly well in my interviews so we wait for the results to be released. i’m pretty confident that i’d make it as i’d looked through the people who had applied for art and of the list, only 2 people were better than me. there were supposed to be 4-5 positions so i was feeling good. finally the results are released and i look at the list.
artistic commissioners:
-not me
-not me
-not me
-not me
-not me
-not me
-not me
“wtf?” i think to myself. not only were 7 people chosen instead of the usual 4, but 3-4 of these people have no experience and i’m fairly certain that i’m more qualified than they were. “maybe i’m not actually good enough. oh well, at least they couldn’t have messed up the tech stuff then. tech is a purely knowledge based position with no subjectivity in the selection.”
~more background. i was a relatively techy person, so i was more likely than not a solid choice at the time. i was fluent in java and android and knew enough html/css to get by.~
tech commissioners:
-not me
-not me
at this point, i’m thoroughly confused and beginning to get mad. not only was there enough space to put me on tech, but the executive board actually chose to put a person who didn’t even apply for the position into the tech spot(side-note: i love the person who got the spot to death, so it’s all good).
on a scale from 1-10, i was at a 14 in terms of confusion; i was sure i should have made at least one of the positions and yet here i stood, position less.
later i found out that veruca had started some anti-me sentiment within the choosing council and after some debate, they chose to value her prejudices over my merit. i had no idea why she would do such a thing until i carefully analyzed the events. 1) she had covered up her saltyness very well and i didn’t know she was still upset over something that had happened months ago. 2) she probably never found out of the apologies or my offer to withdraw my submission, but still this was kinda a dick move. 3) the boy she likes was put on the board in my place. probably with help from veruca. i guess it’s kind of funny that she used this as an attempt to woe him as most everyone is aware of her affections and most everyone is equally aware that he doesn’t share the same feelings.
i was really disappointed with the outcome because jcl was the one club that i actually really wanted to be on board of for my senior year. i guess i won’t get to enjoy that luxury, but hey, at least i’ve got a drawing of joseph gl now.
postscript: if enough interest shows and people want it, i’ll try to post the pictures she and i drew.
|
drew gordon levitt instead of a hallway thus ending my term on jcl board.
|
drawing joseph gordon-levitt instead of a hallway
|
[
"not sure if this counts as a fu, but if it does,",
"here it goes. this happened starting around",
"january of this solar year and during the last",
"school year. also, there’s a load of exposition",
"because this is one elaborate fu. hang tight and",
"enjoy. :)",
"so a little bit of background before we start, at",
"my school, the latin club(jcl) has the most",
"financial assets and is the biggest of any club",
"on campus. our school club hosts a state",
"convention often and each convention brings in a",
"couple grand so we're pretty rich. because this",
"club has so much money, we get tasked with",
"throwing the school's winter formal and we often",
"make it the second best dance of the year (first",
"being prom, which we actually beat last year).",
"like i said earlier, the club is pretty big, so",
"the club’s board is big as well to accommodate",
"all the jobs that need to be completed. last",
"year, i was the artistic commissioner and along",
"with 3 other people, we were charged with",
"completing all the artistic jobs including",
"murals, banners, and advertisements for winter",
"formal and jcl in general.",
"our advisor/teacher wanted us to make a small bid",
"for winter formal. for those of you that are",
"unfamiliar with a bid, its a small 4x6 card with",
"the dance info(time, place, etc) on the back and",
"a hand drawn picture on the front. our theme for",
"the dance was inception and i, thinking to do a",
"good deed and my job, volunteered to draw the",
"bid. so after 2 weeks of brainstorm, i decided to",
"draw a picture of leonardo dicaprio and this idea",
"was widely received by my peers. now, lets",
"introduce a new person to this story. her name is",
"something i will keep confidential, so lets call",
"her veruca salt(haha, get it? cuz she's salty?",
"well i guess you have to read the rest of the",
"story to understand the salty part.) this person",
"had been friendly to me for a good 2 years, so i",
"generally trusted her and her judgment. her",
"position that year was publicity and our club",
"president had allowed the publicity duo to help",
"us in preparation for the artwork. i was totally",
"happy to be working with all these people and",
"although there were some ups and downs, we",
"generally got along fine. so along comes the",
"deadline for the artwork and the night before, i",
"stay up until 12am-1am in the morning to perfect",
"it. veruca wanted a corridor with an ambiguous",
"and upside-down person in the background and",
"initially, i agreed. but after trying it out, i",
"realized that it looked too cluttered and wasn’t",
"something i could pull off nicely. so as the",
"responsible commissioner that i am, i did what i",
"felt was in the best interest of the club and",
"change the background to joseph g-l. it’s a small",
"change since its just the background so how bad",
"could it be right? i get to school the next day",
"and i’m carefully handling the picture(which was",
"drawn on normal printer paper) and throughout the",
"day, people are complimenting the piece. i use",
"this as reassurance and i finally get to my last",
"period of the day- latin. i give the piece to my",
"teacher and he takes it and says he likes it.",
"“great!” i think to myself “all that work was",
"worth it.”",
"the next day, i get to school and i go through my",
"classes again and finally get to latin. the first",
"thing that i notice is that my teacher looks",
"angry. then i notice that my drawing was gone",
"from his desk. he calls me up to speak to me",
"privately and when i get up, he explains the",
"entire situation. apparently, veruca had come in",
"that morning and when she saw the picture, she",
"flipped out harder than a dolphin from seaworld.",
"actually in retrospect, flipped out does not do",
"justice to describe the level of anger and",
"resentment that veruca had acquired. she was",
"absolutely livid that i had overridden her",
"desires in the late of night. thus she had taken",
"the drawing home and made a photocopy, hand",
"drawing a new background. i profusely apologized",
"to my teacher and told him that i didn’t know she",
"would react this badly. i felt really bad and i",
"didn’t know that she was a vengeful person at the",
"time. i even offered to withdraw my drawing and",
"my teacher vetoed my offer. he said that he",
"genuinely liked my drawing better than hers so he",
"let me make the final call- either all 600 bids",
"would be my drawing, or our drawings would be",
"split between the 600 bids evenly. btw for those",
"of you wondering, this teacher is really",
"something special. he isn’t the type to bs you or",
"sugar coat his opinion. he cares deeply for each",
"of his students and when he says something, he",
"means it so when he said he liked mine better,",
"i’m pretty sure he wasn’t saying that just for",
"kicks. anyways, i decide on splitting the bids",
"50/50 and i go on my merry way. i never told",
"veruca of our conversation and i don’t know if my",
"teacher filled her in much, but ultimately things",
"smoothed over between us after the bids were",
"printed.",
"so winter formal passes, and it was a huge hit,",
"hitting a record high amount of sales. everything",
"goes back to normal and we continue through the",
"school year.",
"finally, the school year is nearing its end and",
"the jcl board members have to re-apply for their",
"positions. we’re each allowed to choose 2 choices",
"for board and i apply for artistic commissioner",
"and tech commissioner. the interviews come and i",
"do fairly well in my interviews so we wait for",
"the results to be released. i’m pretty confident",
"that i’d make it as i’d looked through the people",
"who had applied for art and of the list, only 2",
"people were better than me. there were supposed",
"to be 4-5 positions so i was feeling good.",
"finally the results are released and i look at",
"the list.",
"artistic commissioners:\n-not me \n-not me",
"-not me \n-not me \n-not me \n-not me \n-not me",
"“wtf?” i think to myself. not only were 7 people",
"chosen instead of the usual 4, but 3-4 of these",
"people have no experience and i’m fairly certain",
"that i’m more qualified than they were. “maybe",
"i’m not actually good enough. oh well, at least",
"they couldn’t have messed up the tech stuff then.",
"tech is a purely knowledge based position with no",
"subjectivity in the selection.”",
"~more background. i was a relatively techy",
"person, so i was more likely than not a solid",
"choice at the time. i was fluent in java and",
"android and knew enough html/css to get by.~",
"tech commissioners:\n-not me\n-not me",
"at this point, i’m thoroughly confused and",
"beginning to get mad. not only was there enough",
"space to put me on tech, but the executive board",
"actually chose to put a person who didn’t even",
"apply for the position into the tech",
"spot(side-note: i love the person who got the",
"spot to death, so it’s all good).",
"on a scale from 1-10, i was at a 14 in terms of",
"confusion; i was sure i should have made at least",
"one of the positions and yet here i stood,",
"position less.",
"later i found out that veruca had started some",
"anti-me sentiment within the choosing council and",
"after some debate, they chose to value her",
"prejudices over my merit. i had no idea why she",
"would do such a thing until i carefully analyzed",
"the events. 1) she had covered up her saltyness",
"very well and i didn’t know she was still upset",
"over something that had happened months ago. 2)",
"she probably never found out of the apologies or",
"my offer to withdraw my submission, but still",
"this was kinda a dick move. 3) the boy she likes",
"was put on the board in my place. probably with",
"help from veruca. i guess it’s kind of funny that",
"she used this as an attempt to woe him as most",
"everyone is aware of her affections and most",
"everyone is equally aware that he doesn’t share",
"the same feelings.",
"i was really disappointed with the outcome",
"because jcl was the one club that i actually",
"really wanted to be on board of for my senior",
"year. i guess i won’t get to enjoy that luxury,",
"but hey, at least i’ve got a drawing of joseph gl",
"now.",
"postscript: if enough interest shows and people",
"want it, i’ll try to post the pictures she and i",
"drew."
] |
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really wanted to be on board of for my senior drew.
|
74 | 56 | 0.84 | 74 |
we really fucked up today, reddit. a little back story- we (my husband and i) have been struggling financially for lately. we have a second car that we haven't been using because it was not able to be smogged, and we couldn't afford to pay for the necessary repairs. luckily, we found someone who was willing to buy our useless car off us for $400 dollars, a godsend to us. we got all the paperwork ready, cleaned it inside and out, and then when we went to turn it on to make sure it still had the juice in the battery from yesterday's jump start, all we got was "click click click." crappy, but simple enough to fix- the battery just needed another jump start to get going. we hooked up our good car to the crappy car, and attempted to jump start it, but no luck. we left them hooked together for a few, trying to start it a few more times, before we decide to give up. now, we had this damn thing running just yesterday, so we are confused why the battery is not charging. we decided to call up the guy buying the car from us and inform him of the situation, and he said that it wasn't a problem, he has a cold starter and a new battery just in case. a little while later, the guy showed up and hooked it up to his cold starter and it worked perfectly, the car fired up just fine the first time we tried to turn it on. yay! we signed our papers and sent him on his way, and decided to round up all our cash and head to the bank with our windfall. we strapped our daughters into the car, and when we went to start our good, and now only car, *it* wouldn't start. crap. we called aaa and told them we needed a jump start, and in about 45 minutes they were there and the car was started. we let it sit, running for about a half an hour then turned it off, figuring it would be sufficient. after a while, we decided to head out to the bank again, and once *again*, our good car was completely dead and would not start. so, *again* we called aaa and told them we needed another jump start, and they told us someone would be out to help us in about an hour. the tow company finally showed up, gave us another jump, and told us that we might need a new battery for our good car, jumping the bad car may have made this one go bad. we thanked him, and hurried down to the nearest auto parts store and explained our situation to him, and when he checked our battery, he confirmed it was completely dead, and needed to charge it in order to diagnose what the problem was. we got the battery our of the car, gave it to the employee and went out to lunch to kill an hour while he charged it up for us. when we arrived an hour later, the man confirmed, the battery was shot and we needed a new one. so, $126 later we have a new battery in our car and the employee decided to run one last test to make sure it was the battery and not the alternator. his machine told us some bad news, our alternator was shot too. he then let us in on a tid bit that we did not know, and hopefully this will help some of you one day not suffer our same fate -**avoid using a newer car to jump another car at all costs.** apparently they are too computerized to handle that or something, i don't know the specifics because i was too busy feeling like i was going to puke at that point. so we need a new now, on top of the battery, we need to pay for an alternator. the man pulled up the one we needed for our car and actually gasped. "this is the most expensive i've ever seen one, i don't know why it's this much." $346 for the replacement alternator. he actually called his competing store across the street for me, to see if they had a better price, but it was the same both places. i guess that's just how much they go for. we didn't have enough left for it, we only had $310 left on us. when they overheard us, they offered to take what we had (thank you so much guys, really!) in exchange for the part. so, with the part in tow, we the headed down to the mechanic, and are informed that the part will cost us $170 to put in. sheeeiiit. it's still there now, and won't be ready to pick up until tomorrow.
|
so, in summary, we sold a car for $400. we killed our current car's battery and alternator by attempting to jump the car that we sold (and failed, we didn't even successfully jump the damn thing). the damage cost us $606 to repair. selling our car today cost us $206. fuck.
|
selling a car
|
[
"we really fucked up today, reddit. a little back",
"story- we (my husband and i) have been struggling",
"financially for lately. we have a second car",
"that we haven't been using because it was not",
"able to be smogged, and we couldn't afford to pay",
"for the necessary repairs. luckily, we found",
"someone who was willing to buy our useless car",
"off us for $400 dollars, a godsend to us. we got",
"all the paperwork ready, cleaned it inside and",
"out, and then when we went to turn it on to make",
"sure it still had the juice in the battery from",
"yesterday's jump start, all we got was \"click",
"click click.\" crappy, but simple enough to fix-",
"the battery just needed another jump start to get",
"going. we hooked up our good car to the crappy",
"car, and attempted to jump start it, but no luck.",
"we left them hooked together for a few, trying to",
"start it a few more times, before we decide to",
"give up. now, we had this damn thing running just",
"yesterday, so we are confused why the battery is",
"not charging. we decided to call up the guy",
"buying the car from us and inform him of the",
"situation, and he said that it wasn't a problem,",
"he has a cold starter and a new battery just in",
"case. a little while later, the guy showed up and",
"hooked it up to his cold starter and it worked",
"perfectly, the car fired up just fine the first",
"time we tried to turn it on. yay! we signed our",
"papers and sent him on his way, and decided to",
"round up all our cash and head to the bank with",
"our windfall. we strapped our daughters into the",
"car, and when we went to start our good, and now",
"only car, *it* wouldn't start. crap. we called",
"aaa and told them we needed a jump start, and in",
"about 45 minutes they were there and the car was",
"started. we let it sit, running for about a half",
"an hour then turned it off, figuring it would be",
"sufficient. after a while, we decided to head",
"out to the bank again, and once *again*, our good",
"car was completely dead and would not start. so,",
"*again* we called aaa and told them we needed",
"another jump start, and they told us someone",
"would be out to help us in about an hour. the tow",
"company finally showed up, gave us another jump,",
"and told us that we might need a new battery for",
"our good car, jumping the bad car may have made",
"this one go bad. we thanked him, and hurried down",
"to the nearest auto parts store and explained our",
"situation to him, and when he checked our",
"battery, he confirmed it was completely dead, and",
"needed to charge it in order to diagnose what the",
"problem was. we got the battery our of the car,",
"gave it to the employee and went out to lunch to",
"kill an hour while he charged it up for us. when",
"we arrived an hour later, the man confirmed, the",
"battery was shot and we needed a new one. so,",
"$126 later we have a new battery in our car and",
"the employee decided to run one last test to make",
"sure it was the battery and not the alternator.",
"his machine told us some bad news, our alternator",
"was shot too. he then let us in on a tid bit that",
"we did not know, and hopefully this will help",
"some of you one day not suffer our same fate",
"-**avoid using a newer car to jump another car at",
"all costs.** apparently they are too computerized",
"to handle that or something, i don't know the",
"specifics because i was too busy feeling like i",
"was going to puke at that point. so we need a new",
"now, on top of the battery, we need to pay for",
"an alternator. the man pulled up the one we",
"needed for our car and actually gasped. \"this is",
"the most expensive i've ever seen one, i don't",
"know why it's this much.\" $346 for the",
"replacement alternator. he actually called his",
"competing store across the street for me, to see",
"if they had a better price, but it was the same",
"both places. i guess that's just how much they go",
"for. we didn't have enough left for it, we only",
"had $310 left on us. when they overheard us, they",
"offered to take what we had (thank you so much",
"guys, really!) in exchange for the part. so, with",
"the part in tow, we the headed down to the",
"mechanic, and are informed that the part will",
"cost us $170 to put in. sheeeiiit. it's still",
"there now, and won't be ready to pick up until",
"tomorrow."
] |
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that we haven't been using because it was not off us for $400 dollars, a godsend to us. we got give up. now, we had this damn thing running just problem was. we got the battery our of the car, sure it was the battery and not the alternator. cost us $170 to put in. sheeeiiit. it's still
|
5 | 3 | 0.72 | 5 |
this fu happened earlier this afternoon.
so as you can imagine, gym clothes aren't always kept in the most pristine condition. i'm a busy guy, and i like to go to the gym after work, so i'll usually just take some old shirt and throw it in my backpack before heading out in the morning. after work i head straight to the gym, throw my work clothes in my backpack when i'm done, and just drive home and bum out in my gym clothes.
well, the other night, i was "feelin' myself" in the more literal sense. had my gym clothes still on, and after the fact, i realized i got a little on my shirt. i think nothing of it. this was before bed, so i rip my clothes off and go to sleep.
well, here's where things get interesting. this morning i do my usual routine of finding whatever shirt and basketball shorts are lying around and put them in my bag. all is well, just another day at work, just another day at the gym. back day, ready to crush it! until right after i step out of the locker room... i see a reflection of myself in the mirror and *oh my god what the fuck there is a crusty little cum stain right there on my shirt.* i played it off for my first exercise, keeping myself crouched so no one could notice, but immediately after, i go to the water fountain and "just so happen" to splash myself a bit and "just so happen" to wipe myself off with the part of the shirt the stain was on. it was only a small area that could only be seen if focused on, and it was masked pretty much entirely by a quick wipe with water, but good lord, those were the most self-conscious 5-6 mins of my life.
|
showed up at the gym with a cum stain on my shirt.
|
wearing the wrong shirt to the gym
|
[
"this fu happened earlier this afternoon. \n ",
"so as you can imagine, gym clothes aren't always",
"kept in the most pristine condition. i'm a busy",
"guy, and i like to go to the gym after work, so",
"i'll usually just take some old shirt and throw",
"it in my backpack before heading out in the",
"morning. after work i head straight to the gym,",
"throw my work clothes in my backpack when i'm",
"done, and just drive home and bum out in my gym",
"clothes.",
" ",
"well, the other night, i was \"feelin' myself\" in",
"the more literal sense. had my gym clothes still",
"on, and after the fact, i realized i got a little",
"on my shirt. i think nothing of it. this was",
"before bed, so i rip my clothes off and go to",
"sleep.",
" ",
"well, here's where things get interesting. this",
"morning i do my usual routine of finding whatever",
"shirt and basketball shorts are lying around and",
"put them in my bag. all is well, just another day",
"at work, just another day at the gym. back day,",
"ready to crush it! until right after i step out",
"of the locker room... i see a reflection of",
"myself in the mirror and *oh my god what the fuck",
"there is a crusty little cum stain right there on",
"my shirt.* i played it off for my first exercise,",
"keeping myself crouched so no one could notice,",
"but immediately after, i go to the water fountain",
"and \"just so happen\" to splash myself a bit and",
"\"just so happen\" to wipe myself off with the part",
"of the shirt the stain was on. it was only a",
"small area that could only be seen if focused on,",
"and it was masked pretty much entirely by a quick",
"wipe with water, but good lord, those were the",
"most self-conscious 5-6 mins of my life.",
" \n "
] |
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at work, just another day at the gym. back day,
|
3 | 10 | 0.64 | 3 |
i was sitting in class, today actually, maybe 10 minutes ago and i say "hi" and do my most pleasant smile (that's not much by smiling standards) he replies "what are you doing?" i reply in a cheery voice "brightening your day with a smile" he looks me dead in the eye, serious as fuck and responds "it's already pretty sunny outside" and goes back to his work.
|
i tried and failed to cheer someone up with a smile, back to my room to mope.
|
smiling at my friend.
|
[
"i was sitting in class, today actually, maybe 10",
"minutes ago and i say \"hi\" and do my most",
"pleasant smile (that's not much by smiling",
"standards) he replies \"what are you doing?\" i",
"reply in a cheery voice \"brightening your day",
"with a smile\" he looks me dead in the eye,",
"serious as fuck and responds \"it's already pretty",
"sunny outside\" and goes back to his work."
] |
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] |
with a smile" he looks me dead in the eye, sunny outside" and goes back to his work.
|
2 | 2 | 1 | 2 |
i agreed to post 50 fliers for my sister's choir for some money, but i completely forgot and ended up rushing out the door having only eaten a small bowl of cereal and gotten very inadequate sleep. this was at about 10 am. then, four hours later, i was on my way home and was only able to eat a banana and a bottle of oj i bought at a 7/11 in that entire time period. it was almost 30 degrees c today and above 30 with humidity (toronto sucks in the summer) and i did not have a hat/sunglasses or anything. i thought i could power through. i was wrong.
i was nearing the last leg of my journey, on the subway with one stop to go, and it went underground which caused my entire head to go numb, my stomach to flip inside out, and my vision to slowly darken... i was in rough shape.
luckily, it stopped in time for me to stumble out and sit myself down on a bench on the platform and take a few deep breaths and gather my bearings. had the trip taken five or so seconds more i'm sure i'd have either puked all over the subway floor or simply collapsed in the company of complete strangers.
after a few minutes i got up and bough a small bag of almonds which tided me over for the rest of my trip. i should have done that way before. i don't know what i was thinking.
normal my judgement is better than this, i swear.
|
ate and drank almost nothing after a bad sleep and spent 4 hours in the sun on a hot humid day and nearly crashed... into the floor of the subway on the way home.
|
nearly fainting on the subway.
|
[
"i agreed to post 50 fliers for my sister's choir",
"for some money, but i completely forgot and ended",
"up rushing out the door having only eaten a small",
"bowl of cereal and gotten very inadequate sleep.",
"this was at about 10 am. then, four hours later,",
"i was on my way home and was only able to eat a",
"banana and a bottle of oj i bought at a 7/11 in",
"that entire time period. it was almost 30 degrees",
"c today and above 30 with humidity (toronto sucks",
"in the summer) and i did not have a",
"hat/sunglasses or anything. i thought i could",
"power through. i was wrong.",
"i was nearing the last leg of my journey, on the",
"subway with one stop to go, and it went",
"underground which caused my entire head to go",
"numb, my stomach to flip inside out, and my",
"vision to slowly darken... i was in rough shape.",
"luckily, it stopped in time for me to stumble out",
"and sit myself down on a bench on the platform",
"and take a few deep breaths and gather my",
"bearings. had the trip taken five or so seconds",
"more i'm sure i'd have either puked all over the",
"subway floor or simply collapsed in the company",
"of complete strangers.",
"after a few minutes i got up and bough a small",
"bag of almonds which tided me over for the rest",
"of my trip. i should have done that way before. i",
"don't know what i was thinking.",
"normal my judgement is better than this, i swear."
] |
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i was on my way home and was only able to eat a and sit myself down on a bench on the platform subway floor or simply collapsed in the company of complete strangers.
|
11 | 8 | 1 | 11 |
so as most tifu posts, this didn't happen today but last year. i regularly go to a local grocery store in town to get the essentials like everyone else. this is one of those stores that after a certain time in the evening only the self checkout isles are open with one or two employees watching over the customers, helping with coupons, and checking for ids for alcohol. well as a regular customer i noticed that most nights a mentally disabled man( let's call him dale.) was running that section almost everytime i stopped by. he was always courteous to me and we would talk about different craft beers the store would cycle through. (yea, the guy loved his beer. go figure.) now i have a soft spot for people like this especially when they're doing their best to make a living for themselves and doing the best with the hand life has dealt them. soooo..one night i walk in to get some beer for the night since i didn't have work in the morning. i make my selection and as i'm checking out at the self service isle i hear a commotion taking place a few feet ahead of me. it's dale being berated by a much younger male employee. i overheard dale getting chewed out for being late. "you were suppose to be here at 10:00!!! what were you thinking?! are you stupid?!? i have to get home to my kid!!" etc etc. no one deserved to take this abuse dale was recieving. i hesitated for second, and looked at my watch. it was only a few minutes after 10:00. so i realized i needed to stick up for dale. especially since this other coworker was going ballistic over just a few minutes. i couldn't believe he was that angry over 5 minutes. i began cursing the other employee out for the way he was talking to him and tried explaining to him it was only a few minutes past 10:00 and he shouldn't be making such a big deal about it. i really wanted to make this guy feel stupid for being such an asshole to this poor man for being just a few minutes late. i could feel the warmth of other customers eyes staring at me as i let this guy have it, but i didn't care. after my 30-40 second tirade on this guy for making a big deal over five minutes he calmly said "actually, it is 11:05. he's a hour late. did you forget about daylight saving time??" my throat immediately swelled and i could feel my face rush to red. i had completely forgot about it. i didn't even say a word and walked right out. needless to say, i haven't been back to that store. i felt like the biggest dick ever and was completely embarrassed as i turned out to be the bigger asshole, even if i was just intending to stick up for dale. sorry dale, but we were both stupid that day.
edit: i assume dale forgot about daylight saving time as well. i never got a chance to ask him in my rush to flee the scene.
|
tried sticking up for a mentally disabled man by berating his co worker for berating him for being a few minutes late to his work place. in actuality, myself and the mentally challenged man forgot about daylight saving time. fml.
|
sticking up for a mentally disabled man.
|
[
"so as most tifu posts, this didn't happen today",
"but last year. i regularly go to a local grocery",
"store in town to get the essentials like everyone",
"else. this is one of those stores that after a",
"certain time in the evening only the self",
"checkout isles are open with one or two employees",
"watching over the customers, helping with",
"coupons, and checking for ids for alcohol. well",
"as a regular customer i noticed that most nights",
"a mentally disabled man( let's call him dale.)",
"was running that section almost everytime i",
"stopped by. he was always courteous to me and we",
"would talk about different craft beers the store",
"would cycle through. (yea, the guy loved his",
"beer. go figure.) now i have a soft spot for",
"people like this especially when they're doing",
"their best to make a living for themselves and",
"doing the best with the hand life has dealt them.",
"soooo..one night i walk in to get some beer for",
"the night since i didn't have work in the",
"morning. i make my selection and as i'm checking",
"out at the self service isle i hear a commotion",
"taking place a few feet ahead of me. it's dale",
"being berated by a much younger male employee. i",
"overheard dale getting chewed out for being late.",
"\"you were suppose to be here at 10:00!!! what",
"were you thinking?! are you stupid?!? i have to",
"get home to my kid!!\" etc etc. no one deserved to",
"take this abuse dale was recieving. i hesitated",
"for second, and looked at my watch. it was only a",
"few minutes after 10:00. so i realized i needed",
"to stick up for dale. especially since this other",
"coworker was going ballistic over just a few",
"minutes. i couldn't believe he was that angry",
"over 5 minutes. i began cursing the other",
"employee out for the way he was talking to him",
"and tried explaining to him it was only a few",
"minutes past 10:00 and he shouldn't be making",
"such a big deal about it. i really wanted to make",
"this guy feel stupid for being such an asshole to",
"this poor man for being just a few minutes late.",
"i could feel the warmth of other customers eyes",
"staring at me as i let this guy have it, but i",
"didn't care. after my 30-40 second tirade on this",
"guy for making a big deal over five minutes he",
"calmly said \"actually, it is 11:05. he's a hour",
"late. did you forget about daylight saving",
"time??\" my throat immediately swelled and i could",
"feel my face rush to red. i had completely forgot",
"about it. i didn't even say a word and walked",
"right out. needless to say, i haven't been back",
"to that store. i felt like the biggest dick ever",
"and was completely embarrassed as i turned out to",
"be the bigger asshole, even if i was just",
"intending to stick up for dale. sorry dale, but",
"we were both stupid that day.",
"edit: i assume dale forgot about daylight saving",
"time as well. i never got a chance to ask him in",
"my rush to flee the scene."
] |
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a mentally disabled man( let's call him dale.) the night since i didn't have work in the to stick up for dale. especially since this other this poor man for being just a few minutes late. edit: i assume dale forgot about daylight saving
|
8 | 1 | 0.81 | 8 |
literally happened just now.
i expected no one to be home until about 6 or 7pm. i had a few hours to kill so i took a shower and after i came out i decided i wanted to have a jerk session. i didn't bother putting any clothes and left them in the master bedroom to change later. i went to my desk in the living room and browsed for "scientific documentaries" and went to town.
about 5 minutes in, i heard some noise. i always watch "scientific documentaries" with headphones on just to be safe so i couldn't be sure. maybe it was a knock?, footsteps?. it could've easily been from the video, but i played it safe and i quickly windowkey+d.
i panic'd a bit, my clothes were in the master bedroom which is past the main door. i didn't hear anything else, so i decided to take a look to see if its safe. in true pg13 fashion i turned the corner, and came face to face to my roommate, with our faces 2 feet apart. my saving grace was the face that there was a 4 foot tall chalkboard between us, it hid my important parts as well as the fact that i was hard.
our words together were "woah dude, woah." he starts backpedaling and turning his head. i say "wtf dude, you don't come home this early."
here is what saves me. i pretend to play it off as being in your birthday suit when you are alone. i start saying "dude you never been naked alone in your own home before?", "its pretty liberating." i'm proud to say that he bought it. within 5 minutes, we are already joking and laughing about how convenient the chalkboard was and how it was movie like.
|
was jerking it naked, heard sounds, roommate came home, met him face to face with chalkboard in middle, played it off as chilling naked.**
|
thinking no one was going to be home
|
[
"literally happened just now.",
"i expected no one to be home until about 6 or",
"7pm. i had a few hours to kill so i took a shower",
"and after i came out i decided i wanted to have a",
"jerk session. i didn't bother putting any clothes",
"and left them in the master bedroom to change",
"later. i went to my desk in the living room and",
"browsed for \"scientific documentaries\" and went",
"to town.",
"about 5 minutes in, i heard some noise. i always",
"watch \"scientific documentaries\" with headphones",
"on just to be safe so i couldn't be sure. maybe",
"it was a knock?, footsteps?. it could've easily",
"been from the video, but i played it safe and i",
"quickly windowkey+d.",
"i panic'd a bit, my clothes were in the master",
"bedroom which is past the main door. i didn't",
"hear anything else, so i decided to take a look",
"to see if its safe. in true pg13 fashion i turned",
"the corner, and came face to face to my roommate,",
"with our faces 2 feet apart. my saving grace was",
"the face that there was a 4 foot tall chalkboard",
"between us, it hid my important parts as well as",
"the fact that i was hard.",
"our words together were \"woah dude, woah.\" he",
"starts backpedaling and turning his head. i say",
"\"wtf dude, you don't come home this early.\"",
"here is what saves me. i pretend to play it off",
"as being in your birthday suit when you are",
"alone. i start saying \"dude you never been naked",
"alone in your own home before?\", \"its pretty",
"liberating.\" i'm proud to say that he bought it.",
"within 5 minutes, we are already joking and",
"laughing about how convenient the chalkboard was",
"and how it was movie like."
] |
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] |
been from the video, but i played it safe and i the corner, and came face to face to my roommate, laughing about how convenient the chalkboard was
|
2 | 0 | 1 | 2 |
well shit this happened yesterday, i am a senior in hs and have pretty much like 3 classes so the rest of the the day i'm free so i'm always relaxing in my favorite teachers room who teaches srbi (like a study hall but she makes sure you're actually getting shit done) well we're mid conversation and she brings up how awesome it would be to have purple eyes since my favorite color is purple, so i pull my phone out hand it to her and tell her "google it while i get my water bottle" this is where i fucked up so fucking bad. the night before i was on pornhub on my phone taking care of business but as soon as i finished fell asleep and forgot to close it, well when she opened safari on my phone all she saw was porn, porn everywhere. she was laughing hysterically and i just knew i fucked up.... all she said was "i know you're embarrassed and thats exactly why this is so fucking funny"
|
gave teacher phone to look something up, forgot to close pornhub night before she saw all the porn and laughed about it.
|
not closing pornsite off my phone
|
[
"well shit this happened yesterday, i am a senior",
"in hs and have pretty much like 3 classes so the",
"rest of the the day i'm free so i'm always",
"relaxing in my favorite teachers room who teaches",
"srbi (like a study hall but she makes sure you're",
"actually getting shit done) well we're mid",
"conversation and she brings up how awesome it",
"would be to have purple eyes since my favorite",
"color is purple, so i pull my phone out hand it",
"to her and tell her \"google it while i get my",
"water bottle\" this is where i fucked up so",
"fucking bad. the night before i was on pornhub on",
"my phone taking care of business but as soon as i",
"finished fell asleep and forgot to close it, well",
"when she opened safari on my phone all she saw",
"was porn, porn everywhere. she was laughing",
"hysterically and i just knew i fucked up.... all",
"she said was \"i know you're embarrassed and thats",
"exactly why this is so fucking funny\""
] |
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] |
fucking bad. the night before i was on pornhub on finished fell asleep and forgot to close it, well when she opened safari on my phone all she saw
|
3 | 3 | 1 | 3 |
so the day starts off like any other saturday, slightly hungover and running some errands and what not. i've had a relatively stressful week between school and work, as i'm sure any college student can relate to, and i've been really yearning for an adventure lately. i figured what better way to relax and clear my head than to go for a nice drive and see if i can make it out to lake superior for some nice winter scenery!
i got my boots and gloves and everything and was ready for a nice little break away from everything. i drive out about 30 minutes and arrive at the driveway that is supposed to lead me to the lake, and turn into it. we just had a thaw yesterday and it froze up today so i figured that the snow would be pretty hard and packed down and my trusty subaru, which has never been stuck in the 3+ years i've had it, could make it.
things start out well, and i make it about 200 feet down this road no problem. just when i think things are going good, my car stops moving and the wheels start spinning. no luck in reverse, nothing but spinning tires. shit. too bad i've been procrastinating getting that shovel. now i'm sitting here, stuck on a rural road invisible from anyone who may be able to help, by myself, with no food or survival kit or anything.
thank god i have service here so i can write this while i wait for a friend to come help dig me out!
|
: don't trust your car in deep snow
|
having too much faith in my car.
|
[
"so the day starts off like any other saturday,",
"slightly hungover and running some errands and",
"what not. i've had a relatively stressful week",
"between school and work, as i'm sure any college",
"student can relate to, and i've been really",
"yearning for an adventure lately. i figured what",
"better way to relax and clear my head than to go",
"for a nice drive and see if i can make it out to",
"lake superior for some nice winter scenery!",
"i got my boots and gloves and everything and was",
"ready for a nice little break away from",
"everything. i drive out about 30 minutes and",
"arrive at the driveway that is supposed to lead",
"me to the lake, and turn into it. we just had a",
"thaw yesterday and it froze up today so i figured",
"that the snow would be pretty hard and packed",
"down and my trusty subaru, which has never been",
"stuck in the 3+ years i've had it, could make it.",
"things start out well, and i make it about 200",
"feet down this road no problem. just when i think",
"things are going good, my car stops moving and",
"the wheels start spinning. no luck in reverse,",
"nothing but spinning tires. shit. too bad i've",
"been procrastinating getting that shovel. now i'm",
"sitting here, stuck on a rural road invisible",
"from anyone who may be able to help, by myself,",
"with no food or survival kit or anything.",
"thank god i have service here so i can write this",
"while i wait for a friend to come help dig me",
"out!"
] |
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the wheels start spinning. no luck in reverse,
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1 | 0 | 1 | 1 |
i was at work today and as a dishwasher, i am normally busy. i try to go as fast as i can because nothing is worse than having to stay late washing dishes. anyways, i have worked at my local catering company for a few months now and i have really gotten to know everyone. apparently, word comes to me that the owners' parents have come into town and are in the building. well, the owners aren't american, they are armenian which is middle eastern for those of you who don't know. so, as i am running around getting shit put up, i come across the dad of the owners. i stop and say hi to him because i am outgoing and nice to everyone at work. he stops and looks at me and i say hey to him again and tell him who i am. he kinda backs up and looks at me really fucking weird, then it hits me. he doesn't fucking speak english. i have been saying hello to someone who doesn't know what i am saying. i kinda slump down out of embarrassment and go back to washing dishes. my manager walks up behind me and starts laughing at me saying,"good job man. he doesn't speak english."
|
i said hi and introduced myself to my bosses parents who don't speak english and was embarrassed and shamed by my manager.
|
being outgoing at work
|
[
"i was at work today and as a dishwasher, i am",
"normally busy. i try to go as fast as i can",
"because nothing is worse than having to stay late",
"washing dishes. anyways, i have worked at my",
"local catering company for a few months now and i",
"have really gotten to know everyone. apparently,",
"word comes to me that the owners' parents have",
"come into town and are in the building. well, the",
"owners aren't american, they are armenian which",
"is middle eastern for those of you who don't",
"know. so, as i am running around getting shit put",
"up, i come across the dad of the owners. i stop",
"and say hi to him because i am outgoing and nice",
"to everyone at work. he stops and looks at me and",
"i say hey to him again and tell him who i am. he",
"kinda backs up and looks at me really fucking",
"weird, then it hits me. he doesn't fucking speak",
"english. i have been saying hello to someone who",
"doesn't know what i am saying. i kinda slump down",
"out of embarrassment and go back to washing",
"dishes. my manager walks up behind me and starts",
"laughing at me saying,\"good job man. he doesn't",
"speak english.\""
] |
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english. i have been saying hello to someone who dishes. my manager walks up behind me and starts speak english."
|
3 | 0 | 0.44 | 3 |
my grandma visits the emergency room more casually than most people visit starbucks. she’s basically falling apart – she has dementia and something causing her to pass more gas than the keystone oil pipeline. i wouldn’t be surprised if she occasionally breaks the sound barrier in her underpants. she is a proud woman, which has made these conditions even more difficult to deal with. it’s hard to act normally around her when at any second a blaring horn of fart will blast through her blouse and gas the periphery.
i had the good fortune to be unemployed when she was getting really sick (and before, and now, lucky me) so i spent a lot of time with her at the hospital. it was actually kind of nice. even if she’s not the most talkative woman i could tell that my company was comforting to her on some level. we would have long periods of silence, punctuated only by the occasional squalid squeal or baritone burst. it’s been like that for so long that at this point it’s essentially background noise to me. my family members are all fairly irresponsible and self-serving so luckily i could be there, and my grandpa left her a lot of money after he died despite his many infidelities so she’s got that going for her, which is nice.
onto the fuckup: my grandma was sleeping and the usual rhythmic rotten rhymes were emerging from her. it was as if mozart himself had sneakily slipped a script right up inside of her for her insides to follow. i had been sitting next to her reading for a while and my asshole must have been feeling competitive because i felt a major buildup rising inside of me. it’s like my butthole was preparing for war. holding it in was futile and i was too lazy to walk to the bathroom. she was asleep, after all, and i had been inhaling her product for a good portion of my life.
the first shot fired was bold and strong, perhaps to inspire the blasts that followed. it went on for a while – loud, quiet, timid, and tough. it was a crescendo, a fireworks display, my first and final exhibition of what i am truly capable of. it seemed that i had inherited both my grandmother’s height and might. but all was not well – at that moment a semi-attractive nurse had peeked into the room staring with her mouth open (bad idea for several reasons). she had been in the presence of my grandmother’s butt before, so i decided to nudge my head towards my grandmother, trying to lay the blame on her, and shook my head smiling as if to say “what a wacky situation.” grandson of the year, i know.
but my grandma had been awakened by my putrid performance and she refused to go down without a fight. she laid the blame squarely on me quite loudly and called me quite a few things that froze my heart and my farts inside of me. the nurse just nodded and asked if we needed anything. it was clear that she did not want to get involved in this fight of farts, and it was equally clear that she believed me. after she finally left my grandma told me to “get the fuck out.” i felt bad but later she got revenge so it turned out even i guess.
|
blamed my fart on my gassy grandma, upset a dying woman.**
|
farting on my dying grandma
|
[
"my grandma visits the emergency room more casually",
"than most people visit starbucks. she’s basically",
"falling apart – she has dementia and something",
"causing her to pass more gas than the keystone",
"oil pipeline. i wouldn’t be surprised if she",
"occasionally breaks the sound barrier in her",
"underpants. she is a proud woman, which has made",
"these conditions even more difficult to deal",
"with. it’s hard to act normally around her when",
"at any second a blaring horn of fart will blast",
"through her blouse and gas the periphery.",
"i had the good fortune to be unemployed when she",
"was getting really sick (and before, and now,",
"lucky me) so i spent a lot of time with her at",
"the hospital. it was actually kind of nice. even",
"if she’s not the most talkative woman i could",
"tell that my company was comforting to her on",
"some level. we would have long periods of",
"silence, punctuated only by the occasional",
"squalid squeal or baritone burst. it’s been like",
"that for so long that at this point it’s",
"essentially background noise to me. my family",
"members are all fairly irresponsible and",
"self-serving so luckily i could be there, and my",
"grandpa left her a lot of money after he died",
"despite his many infidelities so she’s got that",
"going for her, which is nice.",
"onto the fuckup: my grandma was sleeping and the",
"usual rhythmic rotten rhymes were emerging from",
"her. it was as if mozart himself had sneakily",
"slipped a script right up inside of her for her",
"insides to follow. i had been sitting next to her",
"reading for a while and my asshole must have been",
"feeling competitive because i felt a major",
"buildup rising inside of me. it’s like my",
"butthole was preparing for war. holding it in was",
"futile and i was too lazy to walk to the",
"bathroom. she was asleep, after all, and i had",
"been inhaling her product for a good portion of",
"my life.",
"the first shot fired was bold and strong, perhaps",
"to inspire the blasts that followed. it went on",
"for a while – loud, quiet, timid, and tough. it",
"was a crescendo, a fireworks display, my first",
"and final exhibition of what i am truly capable",
"of. it seemed that i had inherited both my",
"grandmother’s height and might. but all was not",
"well – at that moment a semi-attractive nurse had",
"peeked into the room staring with her mouth open",
"(bad idea for several reasons). she had been in",
"the presence of my grandmother’s butt before, so",
"i decided to nudge my head towards my",
"grandmother, trying to lay the blame on her, and",
"shook my head smiling as if to say “what a wacky",
"situation.” grandson of the year, i know.",
"but my grandma had been awakened by my putrid",
"performance and she refused to go down without a",
"fight. she laid the blame squarely on me quite",
"loudly and called me quite a few things that",
"froze my heart and my farts inside of me. the",
"nurse just nodded and asked if we needed",
"anything. it was clear that she did not want to",
"get involved in this fight of farts, and it was",
"equally clear that she believed me. after she",
"finally left my grandma told me to “get the fuck",
"out.” i felt bad but later she got revenge so it",
"turned out even i guess."
] |
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my grandma visits the emergency room more casually underpants. she is a proud woman, which has made
|
1 | 2 | 0.6 | 1 |
so this happened several years ago when i was about 9 or 10. little background about 9/10 year old me: i was beginning my awkward stage at that point in my life.
one day i was over at my neighbors house who was a "cool kid". my other neighbor was also over at his house, who was also a cool kid (more specifically, the coolest in fourth grade). i didn't really get along with them that well because they weren't the nicest of people back then. anyways, i was just waiting for my mom or something outside when my two neighbors started playing soccer. keep in mind, that both of my neighbors are guys and, like my username suggests, i'm a girl.
so anyways, they started playing soccer and i wanted to join in because i wanted to be cool too! that had been my fourth or fifth year playing soccer so i was pretty good for a 10 year old. i was (and still am) a goalie for my soccer team so i thought it would be fun for them to shoot on me and then realize that i was a great athlete or something and make me part of their cool kid clan
the meaner of the two was taunting me because he didn't think i would be all that good. so he took a shot and i didn't let it get past me. that repeats a couple more times and then one of them takes a shot to the side so i would have to dive for it
i dove directly in dog shit.
|
shit stained clothes + mean popular boys + awkward, crying 10 year old = ensued taunting
|
wanting to become part of the cool kid clan
|
[
"so this happened several years ago when i was",
"about 9 or 10. little background about 9/10 year",
"old me: i was beginning my awkward stage at that",
"point in my life.",
"one day i was over at my neighbors house who was",
"a \"cool kid\". my other neighbor was also over at",
"his house, who was also a cool kid (more",
"specifically, the coolest in fourth grade). i",
"didn't really get along with them that well",
"because they weren't the nicest of people back",
"then. anyways, i was just waiting for my mom or",
"something outside when my two neighbors started",
"playing soccer. keep in mind, that both of my",
"neighbors are guys and, like my username",
"suggests, i'm a girl.",
"so anyways, they started playing soccer and i",
"wanted to join in because i wanted to be cool",
"too! that had been my fourth or fifth year",
"playing soccer so i was pretty good for a 10 year",
"old. i was (and still am) a goalie for my soccer",
"team so i thought it would be fun for them to",
"shoot on me and then realize that i was a great",
"athlete or something and make me part of their",
"cool kid clan",
"the meaner of the two was taunting me because he",
"didn't think i would be all that good. so he took",
"a shot and i didn't let it get past me. that",
"repeats a couple more times and then one of them",
"takes a shot to the side so i would have to dive",
"for it",
"i dove directly in dog shit."
] |
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old me: i was beginning my awkward stage at that playing soccer so i was pretty good for a 10 year
|
5 | 14 | 0.7 | 5 |
so, the title of this post may not seem like the most exciting thing in the world but the story does pick up pace very rapidly.
**so**, a girl i have known for a long time but have fell out of touch with start talking again after about a year or so of very little to no communication. we start off talking about work and personal lives and i find out she got a job pulling night shift at the place i work, so when i would go out on my breaks i would see her almost every night. she informs me that she has a long distance relationship with a guy and they're pretty happy together and asks do i have any so. since my last girlfriend cheated on me, i was staying away from the relationship side of things romanticly, but as most young men do, i had a few casual flings and one night stands during this time.
as we're texting one night, the tone of the messages get considerably more flirty than i'm used to out of her. i think nothing of it as she's happily in a relationship so i flirt back a little thinking it's just friendly joking around between friends; then she starts talking pretty sexually. which i didn't really know how to respond to and the only thing i could think to ask was that if her boyfriend knew she was talking like this, would he be okay with it? she informed me that they had a mutual agreement that, when they weren't together (in person) they could speak to anyone however they wanted but had to let the other person know. i of course, being a pretty young man, decide to go along with it and after a few weeks of sexting, snapchat and skype, she invites me round to her house to help her bake cupcakes for a party she's throwing for her younger brother the following day.
now, this to most people sounds like a proposition, but considering the situation, i was slightly hesitant. i had asked her if her boyfriend was sure he was okay with all this and she assured me he was fine and that he was actually encouraging it. i took that as an all clear basically and accepted the invite. she picked me up and drove me to her house which was a good 25 - 30 minute drive from my house. she went inside and started to get everything ready as i stood outside and had a smoke.
i come into the kitchen and we start getting things going. making the batter, filling trays and putting them in the oven. i have a few drinks that she makes me while we're doing this and when she starts to clean up she tells me to go chill in the living room. i open the door and *her boyfriend* is sitting on the couch, watching tv as casual as you like. feeling awkward and just all round **nope** i go back into the kitchen and ask what's going on? she says its fine and not to worry and to try and relax. i try my best to relax and go in and sit on the seat opposite sides of the room to her boyfriend, sipping on my drink, not saying a word. in my head i'm thinking this guy is bound to want to kick my ass or at least kick me out of the house, but he was kinda just sitting there sipping on a beer watching a movie.
after 20 mins or so his girlfriend comes in and asks me to help again in the kitchen, we start to ice the cupcakes and the icing starts to go everywhere. then she starts putting it on my nose, cheeks, all the flirty kitchen stuff you see in movies. then she puts some on my neck and licks it off! i was so shocked at this with her boyfriend in the other room i basically just froze on the spot. i had no idea what to do. noticing this she tells me to go back in next door and chill with him while she gets cleaned up. at this point i didn't know which room i didn't want to be in more. so i sit in my same seat, drinking what had to have been my 5th drink. i was feeling slightly buzzed now and tried to talk to this guy but he was giving a few word answers and being oddly chirpy and happy which creeped me out even more.
then from behind i get a big streak of icing across my face.. his girlfriend had brought the bowl of leftover icing in and started doing the same thing as the kitchen *in front of her boyfriend* which threw me off so i tried to grab her wrists so she couldn't put any more icing on me, which failed as she jumped on top of me and started to keep doing it. i literally didn't know what to do so i managed to get her off me and went and fixed another drink in the kitchen alone. they were chatting in the living room but i couldn't hear what they were saying. i had another cigarette and drink and came back. they were oddly texting and always looking at theyre phones when i came back in which was odd but not uncommon amongst people of our age. then her boyfriend declares he is going to bed so he gets up and does just that. we're both alone in the loving room now and she's still texting. she then comes over and sits on the arm of the chair and we're talking and flirting. i was drunk at this stage so i was flirting back. she was moving closer and rubbing her hand up my leg which felt good at the time. i was getting significantly turned on at this stage but looked at the time and it was almost 4am so i decided it would be best if i went home and after another half an hour of her trying to get me to stay she agreed to bring me home.
while we were in the car on the way home, she kept reassuring me that her boyfriend didn't mind what we did as long as he knew about it. then she told me to look at the texts they were sending if i didn't believe her. so i did. what i saw next was a long strain of messages that were pretty sexually detailed about me and her and him. i was gobsmacked. i couldn't believe what i was reading and then she said "i told you, you should have stayed." we arrived at my house and she parked a bit down the street and we talked for another while. then she kissed me. i was shocked but i went along with it and my brain stopped working from there. we kissed and she had her hand down my pants and she pulled back and said "if you want to come back tell me now, but it's your last chance." so with dutch courage and what i thought was a decent sexual experience i agreed and we drove back.
*what ensued was probably the most awkward night of my adult life.*
we get back, i'm still pretty drunk but nervous. i drink some more. have another cigarette. drink even more. she starts to get impatient and says she'll be in the bedroom. i take that as last call basically and drink my last drink and stumble down to her bedroom. when i walk in the lights are off and they are both naked in the bed making out. i, being the awkward drunk 3rd wheel, start to take off my clothes and get in beside her. she turns around and starts to make out with me. then back to her boyfriend. her hands are doing what you would expect and then she sneaks down below the covers and starts going down on me, then him and so on.
in my state of nerves and blood alcohol level it was taking a lot longer than normal to get going down there. her boyfriend however did not have this problem so they start going at it. she's still going down on me but absolutely nothing is getting going for me. he asked me did i want to try and i said yes but with not even a semi, it was basically worthless. i went down on her to try get aroused enough to do anything but it was just not happening. so they went back to it and she once again tried to basically give my dick cpr but alas, it didn't work. after about 10 more awkward minutes they finished. they lay in bed and i kind of slipped on my underwear, went to the kitchen and had a smoke. her boyfriend came in a few minutes later and i gave him my last cigarette. we smoked in silence. not even as much as eye contact between us. finished off our smoke, he went back and lay in bed with his girl, i collected my clothes, wallet and phone, got dressed and at around 6am started the worst and most awkward walk of shame i have ever performed in my entire life. the almost two hour walk to my house seemed like forever and when i finally got to my bed all i wanted to do was sleep and forget it ever happened.
i figured this was a decent enough story for tifu and you are the 1st people to ever hear this story. it was a bit long but if you read it all i salute you.
|
went to bake cupcakes with long distance relationship girl, got drunk, swayed into a mmf threesome in which i couldn't perform and walked 2 hours home.
|
baking cupcakes with a girl in a relationship. [nsfw]
|
[
"so, the title of this post may not seem like the",
"most exciting thing in the world but the story",
"does pick up pace very rapidly.",
"**so**, a girl i have known for a long time but",
"have fell out of touch with start talking again",
"after about a year or so of very little to no",
"communication. we start off talking about work",
"and personal lives and i find out she got a job",
"pulling night shift at the place i work, so when",
"i would go out on my breaks i would see her",
"almost every night. she informs me that she has a",
"long distance relationship with a guy and they're",
"pretty happy together and asks do i have any so.",
"since my last girlfriend cheated on me, i was",
"staying away from the relationship side of things",
"romanticly, but as most young men do, i had a few",
"casual flings and one night stands during this",
"time.",
"as we're texting one night, the tone of the",
"messages get considerably more flirty than i'm",
"used to out of her. i think nothing of it as",
"she's happily in a relationship so i flirt back a",
"little thinking it's just friendly joking around",
"between friends; then she starts talking pretty",
"sexually. which i didn't really know how to",
"respond to and the only thing i could think to",
"ask was that if her boyfriend knew she was",
"talking like this, would he be okay with it? she",
"informed me that they had a mutual agreement",
"that, when they weren't together (in person) they",
"could speak to anyone however they wanted but had",
"to let the other person know. i of course, being",
"a pretty young man, decide to go along with it",
"and after a few weeks of sexting, snapchat and",
"skype, she invites me round to her house to help",
"her bake cupcakes for a party she's throwing for",
"her younger brother the following day.",
"now, this to most people sounds like a",
"proposition, but considering the situation, i was",
"slightly hesitant. i had asked her if her",
"boyfriend was sure he was okay with all this and",
"she assured me he was fine and that he was",
"actually encouraging it. i took that as an all",
"clear basically and accepted the invite. she",
"picked me up and drove me to her house which was",
"a good 25 - 30 minute drive from my house. she",
"went inside and started to get everything ready",
"as i stood outside and had a smoke.",
"i come into the kitchen and we start getting",
"things going. making the batter, filling trays",
"and putting them in the oven. i have a few drinks",
"that she makes me while we're doing this and when",
"she starts to clean up she tells me to go chill",
"in the living room. i open the door and *her",
"boyfriend* is sitting on the couch, watching tv",
"as casual as you like. feeling awkward and just",
"all round **nope** i go back into the kitchen and",
"ask what's going on? she says its fine and not to",
"worry and to try and relax. i try my best to",
"relax and go in and sit on the seat opposite",
"sides of the room to her boyfriend, sipping on my",
"drink, not saying a word. in my head i'm thinking",
"this guy is bound to want to kick my ass or at",
"least kick me out of the house, but he was kinda",
"just sitting there sipping on a beer watching a",
"movie.",
"after 20 mins or so his girlfriend comes in and",
"asks me to help again in the kitchen, we start to",
"ice the cupcakes and the icing starts to go",
"everywhere. then she starts putting it on my",
"nose, cheeks, all the flirty kitchen stuff you",
"see in movies. then she puts some on my neck and",
"licks it off! i was so shocked at this with her",
"boyfriend in the other room i basically just",
"froze on the spot. i had no idea what to do.",
"noticing this she tells me to go back in next",
"door and chill with him while she gets cleaned",
"up. at this point i didn't know which room i",
"didn't want to be in more. so i sit in my same",
"seat, drinking what had to have been my 5th",
"drink. i was feeling slightly buzzed now and",
"tried to talk to this guy but he was giving a few",
"word answers and being oddly chirpy and happy",
"which creeped me out even more.",
"then from behind i get a big streak of icing",
"across my face.. his girlfriend had brought the",
"bowl of leftover icing in and started doing the",
"same thing as the kitchen *in front of her",
"boyfriend* which threw me off so i tried to grab",
"her wrists so she couldn't put any more icing on",
"me, which failed as she jumped on top of me and",
"started to keep doing it. i literally didn't know",
"what to do so i managed to get her off me and",
"went and fixed another drink in the kitchen",
"alone. they were chatting in the living room but",
"i couldn't hear what they were saying. i had",
"another cigarette and drink and came back. they",
"were oddly texting and always looking at theyre",
"phones when i came back in which was odd but not",
"uncommon amongst people of our age. then her",
"boyfriend declares he is going to bed so he gets",
"up and does just that. we're both alone in the",
"loving room now and she's still texting. she then",
"comes over and sits on the arm of the chair and",
"we're talking and flirting. i was drunk at this",
"stage so i was flirting back. she was moving",
"closer and rubbing her hand up my leg which felt",
"good at the time. i was getting significantly",
"turned on at this stage but looked at the time",
"and it was almost 4am so i decided it would be",
"best if i went home and after another half an",
"hour of her trying to get me to stay she agreed",
"to bring me home.",
"while we were in the car on the way home, she",
"kept reassuring me that her boyfriend didn't mind",
"what we did as long as he knew about it. then she",
"told me to look at the texts they were sending if",
"i didn't believe her. so i did. what i saw next",
"was a long strain of messages that were pretty",
"sexually detailed about me and her and him. i was",
"gobsmacked. i couldn't believe what i was reading",
"and then she said \"i told you, you should have",
"stayed.\" we arrived at my house and she parked a",
"bit down the street and we talked for another",
"while. then she kissed me. i was shocked but i",
"went along with it and my brain stopped working",
"from there. we kissed and she had her hand down",
"my pants and she pulled back and said \"if you",
"want to come back tell me now, but it's your last",
"chance.\" so with dutch courage and what i thought",
"was a decent sexual experience i agreed and we",
"drove back.",
"*what ensued was probably the most awkward night",
"of my adult life.*",
"we get back, i'm still pretty drunk but nervous.",
"i drink some more. have another cigarette. drink",
"even more. she starts to get impatient and says",
"she'll be in the bedroom. i take that as last",
"call basically and drink my last drink and",
"stumble down to her bedroom. when i walk in the",
"lights are off and they are both naked in the bed",
"making out. i, being the awkward drunk 3rd wheel,",
"start to take off my clothes and get in beside",
"her. she turns around and starts to make out with",
"me. then back to her boyfriend. her hands are",
"doing what you would expect and then she sneaks",
"down below the covers and starts going down on",
"me, then him and so on.",
"in my state of nerves and blood alcohol level it",
"was taking a lot longer than normal to get going",
"down there. her boyfriend however did not have",
"this problem so they start going at it. she's",
"still going down on me but absolutely nothing is",
"getting going for me. he asked me did i want to",
"try and i said yes but with not even a semi, it",
"was basically worthless. i went down on her to",
"try get aroused enough to do anything but it was",
"just not happening. so they went back to it and",
"she once again tried to basically give my dick",
"cpr but alas, it didn't work. after about 10 more",
"awkward minutes they finished. they lay in bed",
"and i kind of slipped on my underwear, went to",
"the kitchen and had a smoke. her boyfriend came",
"in a few minutes later and i gave him my last",
"cigarette. we smoked in silence. not even as much",
"as eye contact between us. finished off our",
"smoke, he went back and lay in bed with his girl,",
"i collected my clothes, wallet and phone, got",
"dressed and at around 6am started the worst and",
"most awkward walk of shame i have ever performed",
"in my entire life. the almost two hour walk to my",
"house seemed like forever and when i finally got",
"to my bed all i wanted to do was sleep and forget",
"it ever happened.",
"i figured this was a decent enough story for tifu",
"and you are the 1st people to ever hear this",
"story. it was a bit long but if you read it all i",
"salute you."
] |
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long distance relationship with a guy and they're sexually. which i didn't really know how to her bake cupcakes for a party she's throwing for smoke, he went back and lay in bed with his girl,
|
10 | 20 | 0.53 | 10 |
it was 1984.
i was a senior in high school and i was cheating on my girlfriend at my friend's mother's house while she and her boyfriend were away in mexico on vacation for two weeks.
i had moved in for the fortnight and was busy juggling both my girlfriend and a "good" friend of hers.
i was cutting school left and right to get my dick wet and keep it that way, and while there would be hell to pay down the road, i do confess, for that brief window of time; my dick was mad happier than a mad hatter; i.e. there would be no hoodie for my woody for some time to come.
now the fuck up here is not me being a cheating dick although i was soon to learn my lesson on that account.
nor was it my girlfriend's friend being a cheating cunt/rotten friend to her. nope, this was an, ahem, how shall we say, **"technical"** fuck up.
me and bettyjo (not her real name but i need to protect the not so innocent) had cut school and were in my friend's mother's bed ready to do the deed; again.
we were high as fuck on some thai weed (aka the icky sticky) and probably some skunk as well come to think of it, seeing as how my dad was a die hard hippie and i had ready access to his stash.
but i digress, so i'm on top of bettyjo, ready to check her oil but, alas, it seemed she was down a few quarts. yep, she was dry as in bone dry, cotton mouth dry, sandpaper dry, sahara dry; savvy?
now granted it was to be our fourth go round but you know how horny illicit teen sex can make a teenaged boy still new to the world of fielding pussy attacks; so, in short i, or more accurately herman, my kosher pickle, was having none of it.
i started rummaging through my friend's mother's nightstand looking for some lubricant. i was pushing aside a plethora of dildos when i noticed two tubes. one, an empty rolled up tube of ky that seemed to be a relic of lust long gone by... and the other..., some tube that seemed... well... *holistic* in nature, or some shit, and was, at any rate; 95% full.
so, in a fit of tumescence, rather than examine the tube with any great scrutiny, i instead elected to squeeze a supersized dollop of some white creamy shit out on my hand. i then proceeded to slap it on her cooch.
then, with a vigorous circular motion; ***i began to rub it.***
she began to moan as my throbbing became almost more than i could bear. just as i was about to enter the clan of the cave bear a curious thing happened. bettyjo began to scream. loud. like waking the babysitter from *don't tell mom, the babysitter's dead,* loud.
i looked down at her sexy 16 year old body torn between lust and compassion. somehow she screamed even louder and our eyes met. bettyjo was in some type of savage pain. and, the catalyst seemed to be the mystery cream. classic cause and effect scenario.
and, despite my prodigious abilities to deduce, the fact she screamed, "da fuck did you put in my pussy?!?!?!?!?!?!?" left little room for dubiousity.
what to do?
now it just so happens that when i was 13 i had taken up kyokushin karate and had become somewhat fanatical about it for about a year. one night after class i had returned home and was greeted by an unusual query from the maternal unit.
"what should i do if someone grabs me like *this*?" she asked, as she grabbed my neck without warning.
before i knew what happened i had swung one arm over both her choking arms and torqued my body thereby breaking her grip, and then, as if a too taut rubber band, i had snapped back in the opposite direction, elbowing her in her left titty.
the maternal unit had howled in agonizing anguish not entirely unlike bettyjo of the fiery cooch. my mother had pleaded for help and like the helpful kinda guy i am i had reached in my karate bag and emerged with the cure all of all cure alls; my good friend, ben gay.
i had told the momster to hold out her hand and i had squeezed an extremely liberal (like we're talking ralph nader liberal) amount of the goop out into her palm and instructed (with authority i might add) that she apply it to the zone of pain and rub it in with a vigorous circular motion.
well, apparently i come from either:
* a. trusting stock or;
* b. a long line of dumbasses
... but, at any rate; she did. and, but a new york minute later, she had screamed in such a distinctive manner as to put a tweaking banshee to shame.
now in the maternal unit's case she had adeptly described her symptoms; i.e. she screamed, ***"it burrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnns! it burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnns!***" so ***obviously*** the remedy was to send her left titty for a cold shower.
the maternal unit spent about fifteen to twenty minutes giving her left tit the cold shower treatment and as i recall, *eventually* the ***burrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnn*** abated.
now, in good conscience i must confess my mother was an abusive, hateful, evil bitch (hence why i was staying at my friend's mother's apartment instead of my own) but i digress, i had probably, on some subconscious level (nudge nudge/wink wink) known it would ***burrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnn***; but, i swear, in bettyjo's case; i honestly thought it would all be jake the snake.
i mean i was about to stick my kosher pickle in the vaginal crematorium, were i not, whereas the only bone i would ever think of tossing the maternal unit would be my funny bone and only under the context of martial alacrity.
now, i only mention this because when bettyjo howled at the moon and the universe that her pussy was in fact spontaneously combusting a light bulb flashed over my head illuminating my friend's mother's bedroom/den of teen lust.
"come with me," i shouted with all the authority of someone who has previously battered, then burned, his own mom's mammalian protuberance; but only the left one. it's not like i'm an axe murderer or anything untoward.
i pulled bettyjo into the bathtub while fielding questions from my friend who wanted to know if everything was all right.
"yo! if you're gonna need an ambulance just let me know so i can hide the stash!"
he was always thinking. and so was i. so with no hesitation i turned on the cold water. i got bettyjo in the tub and had her squat down beside the faucet.
then, in a move i had perfected during the 6th grade, when i discovered if a jet spray hit my pickle just right it could simulate, what in my mind equated to virtual and adulterous buttsex with farrah fawcett. so, what i mean was i knew how to take a tub faucet and amplify its psi not negligibly.
and, that's exactly what i did. i shot icy cold nyc tap water up bettyjo's cooch while she screamed and cried, ***"it burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnns! make it stop!"***
welp, about an hour or so later the worst of it was over, although i had to wait till i saw my girlfriend proper that night to actually get my pickle wet again.
it turns out it was some kind of tiger's balm like substance that i had creampied her with. i thought about trying a little on my pickle, just to see what bullet i had dodged, but; fuck that.
so, yeah, thirty years ago i fucked up by slapping a supersized tiger's balm generic alternative up my girlfriend's friend's cooch and thereby depriving my pickle of going four for four.
|
always read the label before lubricating cooches... or, at the very least, ensure there is good water pressure in the tub.
|
causing my girlfriend's friend's cooch to spontaneously combust
|
[
"it was 1984.",
"i was a senior in high school and i was cheating",
"on my girlfriend at my friend's mother's house",
"while she and her boyfriend were away in mexico",
"on vacation for two weeks.",
"i had moved in for the fortnight and was busy",
"juggling both my girlfriend and a \"good\" friend",
"of hers.",
"i was cutting school left and right to get my",
"dick wet and keep it that way, and while there",
"would be hell to pay down the road, i do confess,",
"for that brief window of time; my dick was mad",
"happier than a mad hatter; i.e. there would be no",
"hoodie for my woody for some time to come.",
"now the fuck up here is not me being a cheating",
"dick although i was soon to learn my lesson on",
"that account.",
"nor was it my girlfriend's friend being a",
"cheating cunt/rotten friend to her. nope, this",
"was an, ahem, how shall we say, **\"technical\"**",
"fuck up.",
"me and bettyjo (not her real name but i need to",
"protect the not so innocent) had cut school and",
"were in my friend's mother's bed ready to do the",
"deed; again.",
"we were high as fuck on some thai weed (aka the",
"icky sticky) and probably some skunk as well come",
"to think of it, seeing as how my dad was a die",
"hard hippie and i had ready access to his stash.",
"but i digress, so i'm on top of bettyjo, ready to",
"check her oil but, alas, it seemed she was down a",
"few quarts. yep, she was dry as in bone dry,",
"cotton mouth dry, sandpaper dry, sahara dry;",
"savvy?",
"now granted it was to be our fourth go round but",
"you know how horny illicit teen sex can make a",
"teenaged boy still new to the world of fielding",
"pussy attacks; so, in short i, or more accurately",
"herman, my kosher pickle, was having none of it.",
"i started rummaging through my friend's mother's",
"nightstand looking for some lubricant. i was",
"pushing aside a plethora of dildos when i noticed",
"two tubes. one, an empty rolled up tube of ky",
"that seemed to be a relic of lust long gone by...",
"and the other..., some tube that seemed...",
"well... *holistic* in nature, or some shit, and",
"was, at any rate; 95% full.",
"so, in a fit of tumescence, rather than examine",
"the tube with any great scrutiny, i instead",
"elected to squeeze a supersized dollop of some",
"white creamy shit out on my hand. i then",
"proceeded to slap it on her cooch.",
"then, with a vigorous circular motion; ***i began",
"to rub it.***",
"she began to moan as my throbbing became almost",
"more than i could bear. just as i was about to",
"enter the clan of the cave bear a curious thing",
"happened. bettyjo began to scream. loud. like",
"waking the babysitter from *don't tell mom, the",
"babysitter's dead,* loud.",
"i looked down at her sexy 16 year old body torn",
"between lust and compassion. somehow she screamed",
"even louder and our eyes met. bettyjo was in some",
"type of savage pain. and, the catalyst seemed to",
"be the mystery cream. classic cause and effect",
"scenario.",
"and, despite my prodigious abilities to deduce,",
"the fact she screamed, \"da fuck did you put in my",
"pussy?!?!?!?!?!?!?\" left little room for",
"dubiousity.",
"what to do?",
"now it just so happens that when i was 13 i had",
"taken up kyokushin karate and had become somewhat",
"fanatical about it for about a year. one night",
"after class i had returned home and was greeted",
"by an unusual query from the maternal unit.",
"\"what should i do if someone grabs me like",
"*this*?\" she asked, as she grabbed my neck",
"without warning.",
"before i knew what happened i had swung one arm",
"over both her choking arms and torqued my body",
"thereby breaking her grip, and then, as if a too",
"taut rubber band, i had snapped back in the",
"opposite direction, elbowing her in her left",
"titty.",
"the maternal unit had howled in agonizing anguish",
"not entirely unlike bettyjo of the fiery cooch.",
"my mother had pleaded for help and like the",
"helpful kinda guy i am i had reached in my karate",
"bag and emerged with the cure all of all cure",
"alls; my good friend, ben gay.",
"i had told the momster to hold out her hand and i",
"had squeezed an extremely liberal (like we're",
"talking ralph nader liberal) amount of the goop",
"out into her palm and instructed (with authority",
"i might add) that she apply it to the zone of",
"pain and rub it in with a vigorous circular",
"motion.",
"well, apparently i come from either:",
"* a. trusting stock or;",
"* b. a long line of dumbasses",
"... but, at any rate; she did. and, but a new",
"york minute later, she had screamed in such a",
"distinctive manner as to put a tweaking banshee",
"to shame.",
"now in the maternal unit's case she had adeptly",
"described her symptoms; i.e. she screamed, ***\"it",
"burrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnns! it",
"burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnns!***\" so",
"***obviously*** the remedy was to send her left",
"titty for a cold shower.",
"the maternal unit spent about fifteen to twenty",
"minutes giving her left tit the cold shower",
"treatment and as i recall, *eventually* the",
"***burrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnn*** abated.",
"now, in good conscience i must confess my mother",
"was an abusive, hateful, evil bitch (hence why i",
"was staying at my friend's mother's apartment",
"instead of my own) but i digress, i had probably,",
"on some subconscious level (nudge nudge/wink",
"wink) known it would",
"***burrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnn***; but, i swear, in",
"bettyjo's case; i honestly thought it would all",
"be jake the snake.",
"i mean i was about to stick my kosher pickle in",
"the vaginal crematorium, were i not, whereas the",
"only bone i would ever think of tossing the",
"maternal unit would be my funny bone and only",
"under the context of martial alacrity.",
"now, i only mention this because when bettyjo",
"howled at the moon and the universe that her",
"pussy was in fact spontaneously combusting a",
"light bulb flashed over my head illuminating my",
"friend's mother's bedroom/den of teen lust.",
"\"come with me,\" i shouted with all the authority",
"of someone who has previously battered, then",
"burned, his own mom's mammalian protuberance; but",
"only the left one. it's not like i'm an axe",
"murderer or anything untoward.",
"i pulled bettyjo into the bathtub while fielding",
"questions from my friend who wanted to know if",
"everything was all right.",
"\"yo! if you're gonna need an ambulance just let",
"me know so i can hide the stash!\"",
"he was always thinking. and so was i. so with no",
"hesitation i turned on the cold water. i got",
"bettyjo in the tub and had her squat down beside",
"the faucet.",
"then, in a move i had perfected during the 6th",
"grade, when i discovered if a jet spray hit my",
"pickle just right it could simulate, what in my",
"mind equated to virtual and adulterous buttsex",
"with farrah fawcett. so, what i mean was i knew",
"how to take a tub faucet and amplify its psi not",
"negligibly.",
"and, that's exactly what i did. i shot icy cold",
"nyc tap water up bettyjo's cooch while she",
"screamed and cried, ***\"it",
"burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnns! make it",
"stop!\"***",
"welp, about an hour or so later the worst of it",
"was over, although i had to wait till i saw my",
"girlfriend proper that night to actually get my",
"pickle wet again.",
"it turns out it was some kind of tiger's balm",
"like substance that i had creampied her with. i",
"thought about trying a little on my pickle, just",
"to see what bullet i had dodged, but; fuck that.",
"so, yeah, thirty years ago i fucked up by",
"slapping a supersized tiger's balm generic",
"alternative up my girlfriend's friend's cooch and",
"thereby depriving my pickle of going four for",
"four."
] |
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* a. trusting stock or; howled at the moon and the universe that her bettyjo in the tub and had her squat down beside
|
3 | 7 | 1 | 3 |
this was actually a realization at 2 am taking a shit, so it is a tifu.
so i met this girl via tinder and we were texting and all that. she seemed really chill so we met up. we had some coffee and went back to my place and banged (twas good, had better but #swagyolo). so we keep texting for a little while after, she snaps me a lot. asked if she was interested in another go, she doesn't respond and i stopped texting her. so at 2am i checked snapchat and was looking at stories as i pooped. i see a picture of her with some guy who popped up in some of the snaps she sent me titled 'couple time!' and yeah. im actually quite pissed. i haven't done anything other then deleting her from snapchat. i really don't know what to do, but i probably wont do anything since it would be a waste of my effort and wouldn't really help me, and probably wont actually get information to the guy.
|
turns out i facilitated a cheater.
|
being the other guy
|
[
"this was actually a realization at 2 am taking a",
"shit, so it is a tifu.",
"so i met this girl via tinder and we were texting",
"and all that. she seemed really chill so we met",
"up. we had some coffee and went back to my place",
"and banged (twas good, had better but #swagyolo).",
"so we keep texting for a little while after, she",
"snaps me a lot. asked if she was interested in",
"another go, she doesn't respond and i stopped",
"texting her. so at 2am i checked snapchat and was",
"looking at stories as i pooped. i see a picture",
"of her with some guy who popped up in some of the",
"snaps she sent me titled 'couple time!' and yeah.",
"im actually quite pissed. i haven't done anything",
"other then deleting her from snapchat. i really",
"don't know what to do, but i probably wont do",
"anything since it would be a waste of my effort",
"and wouldn't really help me, and probably wont",
"actually get information to the guy."
] |
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looking at stories as i pooped. i see a picture
|
0 | 2 | 0.5 | 0 |
this is staying short and sweet.
gf and i were fooling around yesterday after we got high, and we were about to do it when she notices she is bleeding. w/e, i love my girl every day of the month. no big deal, right? so we do the business, and that's that. i go wash my junk with a washcloth, blood was a little thick and chunky, and all is fine and dandy.
today, we go for round 2. goes just as well as the first time. so i clean mr.penis once again. i also brush my teeth, because during our session i reapplied some spit and maybe got some blood in my mouth. no big deal. just blood.
i wash my face and brush my teeth. i may have mixed up the clean and dirty washcloth, but it's no huge deal. just wash and clean up with a brand new one. so we get ready and talk about her period. she confides that she was supposed to have it a week ago, and last night she had super sharp stomach pains and assumed they were her period starting. she started bleeding only after she got sharp stomach pains. as of today, she is no longer bleeding.
we think about what it can be, and realize that it could have possibly been a miscarriage (she's horrible about taking her pills on time). i then also realized that i washed my face/put my fingers in my mouth with what could be our miscarriage. i seriously feel like i'm going to pass out. could still be her period, but is starting to seem less likely since she feels fine.
|
fucked/washed my face with my potentially dead offspring.
|
fucking my gf on her period
|
[
"this is staying short and sweet.",
"gf and i were fooling around yesterday after we",
"got high, and we were about to do it when she",
"notices she is bleeding. w/e, i love my girl",
"every day of the month. no big deal, right? so we",
"do the business, and that's that. i go wash my",
"junk with a washcloth, blood was a little thick",
"and chunky, and all is fine and dandy.",
"today, we go for round 2. goes just as well as",
"the first time. so i clean mr.penis once again. i",
"also brush my teeth, because during our session i",
"reapplied some spit and maybe got some blood in",
"my mouth. no big deal. just blood.",
"i wash my face and brush my teeth. i may have",
"mixed up the clean and dirty washcloth, but it's",
"no huge deal. just wash and clean up with a brand",
"new one. so we get ready and talk about her",
"period. she confides that she was supposed to",
"have it a week ago, and last night she had super",
"sharp stomach pains and assumed they were her",
"period starting. she started bleeding only after",
"she got sharp stomach pains. as of today, she is",
"no longer bleeding.",
"we think about what it can be, and realize that",
"it could have possibly been a miscarriage (she's",
"horrible about taking her pills on time). i then",
"also realized that i washed my face/put my",
"fingers in my mouth with what could be our",
"miscarriage. i seriously feel like i'm going to",
"pass out. could still be her period, but is",
"starting to seem less likely since she feels",
"fine."
] |
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i wash my face and brush my teeth. i may have
|
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so this actually happened yesterday, but i think it's a story worth telling anyway.
here's a little background information. this is my first year at college, so i live in a dorm room. in my dorm, we have tv lounges that also have microwaves in them. it's been a long week, so i figured i deserved a little r&r and decided to play video games in the lounge (i don't have a tv in my own room).
a couple hours in and some guy walks in with a large, plastic cup of noodles. he opens the cover off the noodles, but only halfway so that the cover is still attached to the cup. i pay him no mind as he starts to microwave his noodles. he leaves the room for who knows what reason, leaving his noodles in the microwave.
i continue playing video games until i see an orange flicker in my peripheral vision. i look over to the microwave, and i see the cover of the cup of noodles light on fire. panicking, i abruptly throw my controller on the ground, frantically stop the cooking cycle, and open the microwave door. the cup of noodles has an aluminum foil cover on its bottom.
still panicked, i blow on the cup like you would with candles on a birthday cake to put out the fire, then pull the cup out of the microwave. the fire burned a bit of the plastic, but there were no spills and, thankfully, there was no more fire.
after about two minutes of reflecting on what just happened, the guy returns to check on his noodles. he asks why it smells like something was burning, and i tell him the story. he apologizes profusely for almost blowing up the microwave and potentially killing me, then trashes his noodles. i return to the safety of my room.
|
aluminum foil started burning in a microwave, i put the fire out.
|
letting a guy microwave a cup of noodles
|
[
"so this actually happened yesterday, but i think",
"it's a story worth telling anyway.",
"here's a little background information. this is",
"my first year at college, so i live in a dorm",
"room. in my dorm, we have tv lounges that also",
"have microwaves in them. it's been a long week,",
"so i figured i deserved a little r&r and decided",
"to play video games in the lounge (i don't have a",
"tv in my own room).",
"a couple hours in and some guy walks in with a",
"large, plastic cup of noodles. he opens the cover",
"off the noodles, but only halfway so that the",
"cover is still attached to the cup. i pay him no",
"mind as he starts to microwave his noodles. he",
"leaves the room for who knows what reason,",
"leaving his noodles in the microwave.",
"i continue playing video games until i see an",
"orange flicker in my peripheral vision. i look",
"over to the microwave, and i see the cover of the",
"cup of noodles light on fire. panicking, i",
"abruptly throw my controller on the ground,",
"frantically stop the cooking cycle, and open the",
"microwave door. the cup of noodles has an",
"aluminum foil cover on its bottom.",
"still panicked, i blow on the cup like you would",
"with candles on a birthday cake to put out the",
"fire, then pull the cup out of the microwave. the",
"fire burned a bit of the plastic, but there were",
"no spills and, thankfully, there was no more",
"fire.",
"after about two minutes of reflecting on what",
"just happened, the guy returns to check on his",
"noodles. he asks why it smells like something was",
"burning, and i tell him the story. he apologizes",
"profusely for almost blowing up the microwave and",
"potentially killing me, then trashes his noodles.",
"i return to the safety of my room."
] |
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aluminum foil cover on its bottom. fire, then pull the cup out of the microwave. the
|
0 | 0 | 0.33 | 0 |
so this happened... around 2 minutes ago. (oh an actual fuck-up that happened on the day itself? yup.)
i was casually watching my anime. one piece in this case, having paused it to grab a new bottle of coke(coca cola). as i resume the series i take a few huge sips from the bottle while watching, i hold in my laugh to finish what i have in my mouth and stupid me decides to take another huge sip. my mouth full of coke as i can't retain my laughter, spouting it all over my laptop, out of my nose and mouth. the result: my laptop is sticky as hell as i'm cleaning it as much as possible while typing this from my mobile.
|
was drinking coke as a funny moment came by, coke all over my laptop making it feel sticky as if someone forgot to clean their laptop after.. you know what.
|
taking a sip of my drink while watching a series.
|
[
"so this happened... around 2 minutes ago. (oh an",
"actual fuck-up that happened on the day itself?",
"yup.)",
"i was casually watching my anime. one piece in",
"this case, having paused it to grab a new bottle",
"of coke(coca cola). as i resume the series i take",
"a few huge sips from the bottle while watching, i",
"hold in my laugh to finish what i have in my",
"mouth and stupid me decides to take another huge",
"sip. my mouth full of coke as i can't retain my",
"laughter, spouting it all over my laptop, out of",
"my nose and mouth. the result: my laptop is",
"sticky as hell as i'm cleaning it as much as",
"possible while typing this from my mobile."
] |
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hold in my laugh to finish what i have in my sip. my mouth full of coke as i can't retain my laughter, spouting it all over my laptop, out of sticky as hell as i'm cleaning it as much as
|
5 | 1 | 0.67 | 5 |
today i fucked up by going to the bathroom or "the battle with the brown beast"
my story starts at around 1:30am on this morning. while doing some late night internet browsing i suddenly feel a powerful urge to take a shit. i leave the room and take a huge powerful dump. i did not think of anything of it and flushed and went back to my browsing.
the next morning i get up late. i got to the bathroom and see the product of my late night visit looking back at me. i figure i forgot to flush and pee and go flush and go out.
latter that night i come home and go to the bathroom and god damm it, the monster is still there. i flush again and i figure something must be wrong with the toilet. i mention the pluming problem to my dad. he takes a look and informs me of the horrible news. it was not the toilets pluming that was at fault, it was mine. i had taken a shit so big it could not be flushed.
it was now my job to fix the situation. i had to destroy the brown beast. like doctor frankenstein i knew i had created a monster and this monster had to be destroyed. i went into the bathroom and walk over towards the mouth of the beasts porcelain cave and in one hand raised my toilet brush swords ready to destroy my big brown ass child. i felt like st george confronting the dragon. i smash the shitty best to pieces and and i want happy in my victory but this joy was short lived as i realised my second mistake. the toilet brush was now covered in shit and had to be cleaned. i held the now brunet bristles of the brush in the water and flushed until it was clean. my god, the smell was horrible. i feel sorry for parents who must put up with daily. regardless i had won, i slayed the brown beast.
|
taken a shit so big it did not flush and got the toilet brush covered in shit after destroying the turd.
|
going to the bathroom (or "the battle with the brown beast") nsfw
|
[
"today i fucked up by going to the bathroom or \"the",
"battle with the brown beast\"",
"my story starts at around 1:30am on this morning.",
"while doing some late night internet browsing i",
"suddenly feel a powerful urge to take a shit. i",
"leave the room and take a huge powerful dump. i",
"did not think of anything of it and flushed and",
"went back to my browsing.",
"the next morning i get up late. i got to the",
"bathroom and see the product of my late night",
"visit looking back at me. i figure i forgot to",
"flush and pee and go flush and go out.",
"latter that night i come home and go to the",
"bathroom and god damm it, the monster is still",
"there. i flush again and i figure something must",
"be wrong with the toilet. i mention the pluming",
"problem to my dad. he takes a look and informs me",
"of the horrible news. it was not the toilets",
"pluming that was at fault, it was mine. i had",
"taken a shit so big it could not be flushed.",
"it was now my job to fix the situation. i had to",
"destroy the brown beast. like doctor frankenstein",
"i knew i had created a monster and this monster",
"had to be destroyed. i went into the bathroom and",
"walk over towards the mouth of the beasts",
"porcelain cave and in one hand raised my toilet",
"brush swords ready to destroy my big brown ass",
"child. i felt like st george confronting the",
"dragon. i smash the shitty best to pieces and and",
"i want happy in my victory but this joy was short",
"lived as i realised my second mistake. the toilet",
"brush was now covered in shit and had to be",
"cleaned. i held the now brunet bristles of the",
"brush in the water and flushed until it was",
"clean. my god, the smell was horrible. i feel",
"sorry for parents who must put up with daily.",
"regardless i had won, i slayed the brown beast."
] |
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taken a shit so big it could not be flushed. brush was now covered in shit and had to be
|
5 | 0 | 0.99 | 5 |
this happened a long time ago, but i couldn't post it until a weekend. also, thought about a throwaway, but figured fuck it. i owe my survival of this shitstorm to others who have been through this and shared their stories. to all those that have survived this failure of their anatomy, thank you!
so i work as a respected medical professional providing direct patient care. the day in question, i took a company car to lunch. i had a nice lunch. as usual, the lunch was putting some pressure on my intestines. also i should note i had been recovering from the flu. unbeknownst to me, the combination of being sick and having some lunch time caffeine was going to be my undoing.
i decided to forgo using the toilet at the lunch spot, in favor of using the one at my office. i hop in the car and start driving back to work and call my girlfriend. while i'm talking with her, i feel some gas building up in my gut. being alone in the car, i let it rip. uh oh.
to my horror, i felt a large web glob escape. at first i thought it might have just been a humid fart. i shift my position a little bit, but then i feel the wetness shift around. shit! i could feel there was a big clump of wetness trapped between my cheeks.
(ಥ﹏ಥ)
i immediately assume an elevated ass driving position, and hang up telling my girlfriend i need to go. i get back to the office before the office admin with the key to the front door gets back from lunch. crap! i take a moment to assess the situation in my reflection from the glass door. even worse, i can see a wet spot about the size of a silver dollar in the middle of my butt. i am also starting to feel the pressure rising again. what am i going to do? my plan of running to the bathroom before anyone could notice was falling apart.
there is another medical office next door to us, but i have yet to meet the staff and doctors that work there. fml. i decide to go in and go immediately to the receptionist and introduce myself. i explain that our office is still locked for lunch and i don't have a key, then ask if i can use the doors that connect our offices. she claimed they are locked from our side. who knows, i then ask if i can use their bathroom as it is quite urgent. i can't imagine how uncomfortable and/or panicked i must have looked.
she allows me to use their bathroom and leads me to it. it was all the way in the back and we had to pass several other staffers and patients coming in and out of rooms. i make it into the bathroom avoiding any serious embarrassment (that i am aware of). finally!
i lock the door, and proceed to the toilet at speeds that would rival the flash. i forgo the seat liner, the seat looks clean enough. i slip my dress pants down and squat before sliding my boxers off. i was careful to keep the boxers positioned to prevent any spillage as i slid them off my nasty ass.
i am greeted by a big nasty lump of wet green and yellow caca in my boxers. i immediately proceed to empty the rest of my bowels. after many minutes and miles of toilet paper cleaning my rear, i am once again able to focus on my situation. oh what i would have done for a bidet (never having used one, i think this would have made me feel much more comfortable). i'm sitting in the bathroom of a neighboring doctor's office, with shit filled boxers and a small shit stain on my dress pants.
ok, gotta pull myself together and get back to see my 1 o'clock patient. i took my shoes off, took my pants off, and then got the boxers off. miraculously, i didn't spill a drop. **phew**
my only option at this point was to dispose of my soiled boxers and try to dry my pants so the stain wasn't as obvious. no hand dryer in this bathroom, just paper towels. i grab some and start patting it dry (thanks mom for teaching me to soak stains up instead of rubbing them!). i go threw many more sheets of towels before giving up on getting them completely dry. i then use the towels to cover and hide the boxers in the trashcan. i wash my hands three times, desperate to wash the dirty feeling off my whole body. unfortunately, washing just my hands isn't going to do it. time to man up and get back to work.
last thing to do is beat a hasty retreat back to my office. i quickly exit their office saying thanks and bye on the way. before i return to my office, i dash to the company car and spay some of the air freshener on the seat of my pants. i enter the waiting room and quickly say hi to my next patient and to the back room. i put on my long white coat and calmly let my office admin know i'm ready for them to bring my next patient back.
i finished the day, then got a text from my girlfriend she wanted to hang out with me after work. we hadn't seen each other in many days, and i had actually suggested we hang out that morning. i just said i had a busy day and wanted to change before heading out. she bought it and agreed to meet me at my place. luckily i got there before her and had time to shower and hide my work clothes.
sorry this turned into a long wall of text. i hope no one else suffers from the horror of explosive sharting!
edit: i'm not the only one who uses the company car, it was already somewhat old and smelled funky. i sprayed air freshener liberally on the seat and so far i haven't heard any one mention the car smelling like shit.
|
read the title
|
sharting badly driving back from lunch, then having to meet our neighboring office staff with shit filled pants - nsfw
|
[
"this happened a long time ago, but i couldn't post",
"it until a weekend. also, thought about a",
"throwaway, but figured fuck it. i owe my survival",
"of this shitstorm to others who have been through",
"this and shared their stories. to all those that",
"have survived this failure of their anatomy,",
"thank you!",
"so i work as a respected medical professional",
"providing direct patient care. the day in",
"question, i took a company car to lunch. i had a",
"nice lunch. as usual, the lunch was putting some",
"pressure on my intestines. also i should note i",
"had been recovering from the flu. unbeknownst to",
"me, the combination of being sick and having some",
"lunch time caffeine was going to be my undoing.",
"i decided to forgo using the toilet at the lunch",
"spot, in favor of using the one at my office. i",
"hop in the car and start driving back to work and",
"call my girlfriend. while i'm talking with her, i",
"feel some gas building up in my gut. being alone",
"in the car, i let it rip. uh oh.",
"to my horror, i felt a large web glob escape. at",
"first i thought it might have just been a humid",
"fart. i shift my position a little bit, but then",
"i feel the wetness shift around. shit! i could",
"feel there was a big clump of wetness trapped",
"between my cheeks.",
"(ಥ﹏ಥ)",
"i immediately assume an elevated ass driving",
"position, and hang up telling my girlfriend i",
"need to go. i get back to the office before the",
"office admin with the key to the front door gets",
"back from lunch. crap! i take a moment to assess",
"the situation in my reflection from the glass",
"door. even worse, i can see a wet spot about the",
"size of a silver dollar in the middle of my butt.",
"i am also starting to feel the pressure rising",
"again. what am i going to do? my plan of running",
"to the bathroom before anyone could notice was",
"falling apart.",
"there is another medical office next door to us,",
"but i have yet to meet the staff and doctors that",
"work there. fml. i decide to go in and go",
"immediately to the receptionist and introduce",
"myself. i explain that our office is still locked",
"for lunch and i don't have a key, then ask if i",
"can use the doors that connect our offices. she",
"claimed they are locked from our side. who knows,",
"i then ask if i can use their bathroom as it is",
"quite urgent. i can't imagine how uncomfortable",
"and/or panicked i must have looked.",
"she allows me to use their bathroom and leads me",
"to it. it was all the way in the back and we had",
"to pass several other staffers and patients",
"coming in and out of rooms. i make it into the",
"bathroom avoiding any serious embarrassment (that",
"i am aware of). finally!",
"i lock the door, and proceed to the toilet at",
"speeds that would rival the flash. i forgo the",
"seat liner, the seat looks clean enough. i slip",
"my dress pants down and squat before sliding my",
"boxers off. i was careful to keep the boxers",
"positioned to prevent any spillage as i slid them",
"off my nasty ass.",
"i am greeted by a big nasty lump of wet green and",
"yellow caca in my boxers. i immediately proceed",
"to empty the rest of my bowels. after many",
"minutes and miles of toilet paper cleaning my",
"rear, i am once again able to focus on my",
"situation. oh what i would have done for a bidet",
"(never having used one, i think this would have",
"made me feel much more comfortable). i'm sitting",
"in the bathroom of a neighboring doctor's office,",
"with shit filled boxers and a small shit stain on",
"my dress pants.",
"ok, gotta pull myself together and get back to",
"see my 1 o'clock patient. i took my shoes off,",
"took my pants off, and then got the boxers off.",
"miraculously, i didn't spill a drop. **phew**",
"my only option at this point was to dispose of my",
"soiled boxers and try to dry my pants so the",
"stain wasn't as obvious. no hand dryer in this",
"bathroom, just paper towels. i grab some and",
"start patting it dry (thanks mom for teaching me",
"to soak stains up instead of rubbing them!). i go",
"threw many more sheets of towels before giving up",
"on getting them completely dry. i then use the",
"towels to cover and hide the boxers in the",
"trashcan. i wash my hands three times, desperate",
"to wash the dirty feeling off my whole body.",
"unfortunately, washing just my hands isn't going",
"to do it. time to man up and get back to work.",
"last thing to do is beat a hasty retreat back to",
"my office. i quickly exit their office saying",
"thanks and bye on the way. before i return to my",
"office, i dash to the company car and spay some",
"of the air freshener on the seat of my pants. i",
"enter the waiting room and quickly say hi to my",
"next patient and to the back room. i put on my",
"long white coat and calmly let my office admin",
"know i'm ready for them to bring my next patient",
"back.",
"i finished the day, then got a text from my",
"girlfriend she wanted to hang out with me after",
"work. we hadn't seen each other in many days, and",
"i had actually suggested we hang out that",
"morning. i just said i had a busy day and wanted",
"to change before heading out. she bought it and",
"agreed to meet me at my place. luckily i got",
"there before her and had time to shower and hide",
"my work clothes.",
"sorry this turned into a long wall of text. i",
"hope no one else suffers from the horror of",
"explosive sharting!",
"edit: i'm not the only one who uses the company",
"car, it was already somewhat old and smelled",
"funky. i sprayed air freshener liberally on the",
"seat and so far i haven't heard any one mention",
"the car smelling like shit."
] |
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the car smelling like shit.
|
2 | 10 | 0.57 | 2 |
long time lurker, first ever post so i apologize for the errors. ok, so background here, i've known this girl for a pretty long time and we've been average friends, nothing close or anything. for most of the time i've known her she's been known as a pretty big slut. most of my friends have gotten with her as well as a bunch of other guys that i know. we're both in college and both of legal age.
anyway, proceed to the fuck up which actually occurred a few days ago. i went out with some friends to a mutual friends place for a big house party and she came along with us. everything was good; people were laughing, alcohol was flowing and everyone was having a good time. now this girl, we'll call her sally, and i have made out a bunch of times before this but no sex and nothing else really more than a make out. witching hour comes around and my friends tell me that sally has been looking at me and saying she wants to hook up with me. i was pretty stoked, i haven't really had much luck in the female department lately and she's a good looking girl, a slut, but good looking nonetheless. i've always had my reservations about getting with loose girls but alcohol has already moved my penis to my brain and i'm ready to get the train rolling. i won't go into detail but things started heating up and eventually we get to the sexy time... except i decide not to do it. i gave in to my reservations about her sluttiness (and the fact that she's pretty crazy) and decided to just go back to the party without sealing the deal. i don't see her again after i leave the room. the party broke up, i had a friend take me home, and that was that.
i get a call the following day from seemingly random number. turns out to be her father. she evidently called him in tears last night saying i made all these advances on her and made her feel uncomfortable and this and that. i had no idea about any of this, never once did she say anything to me about what was happening. i didn't know i had done anything wrong but i felt bad. her father then proceeds to chew me out for the next 20 minutes about pressing charges and telling me how terrible of a person i am. my friends are next to me this entire time and are absolutely flabbergasted. this girl has had sex with tons of guys and i didn't even have sex with her. regardless, i called her and apologized for whatever i did that upset her, because i honestly had no idea. she didn't even seem bothered by it, simply brushing it off as no big deal. then she just changed the subject and asked what i was doing later.. her father had just made it sound like i was some kind of sexual deviant and she just didn't see the problem. i suppose i learned my lesson about trying to go for slutty (and kind of crazy girls).
|
i tried to get with a slutty girl, didn't go through with it, ended up being accused of assault.
|
trying to get with a slutty girl
|
[
"long time lurker, first ever post so i apologize",
"for the errors. ok, so background here, i've",
"known this girl for a pretty long time and we've",
"been average friends, nothing close or anything.",
"for most of the time i've known her she's been",
"known as a pretty big slut. most of my friends",
"have gotten with her as well as a bunch of other",
"guys that i know. we're both in college and both",
"of legal age.",
"anyway, proceed to the fuck up which actually",
"occurred a few days ago. i went out with some",
"friends to a mutual friends place for a big house",
"party and she came along with us. everything was",
"good; people were laughing, alcohol was flowing",
"and everyone was having a good time. now this",
"girl, we'll call her sally, and i have made out a",
"bunch of times before this but no sex and nothing",
"else really more than a make out. witching hour",
"comes around and my friends tell me that sally",
"has been looking at me and saying she wants to",
"hook up with me. i was pretty stoked, i haven't",
"really had much luck in the female department",
"lately and she's a good looking girl, a slut, but",
"good looking nonetheless. i've always had my",
"reservations about getting with loose girls but",
"alcohol has already moved my penis to my brain",
"and i'm ready to get the train rolling. i won't",
"go into detail but things started heating up and",
"eventually we get to the sexy time... except i",
"decide not to do it. i gave in to my",
"reservations about her sluttiness (and the fact",
"that she's pretty crazy) and decided to just go",
"back to the party without sealing the deal. i",
"don't see her again after i leave the room. the",
"party broke up, i had a friend take me home, and",
"that was that.",
"i get a call the following day from seemingly",
"random number. turns out to be her father. she",
"evidently called him in tears last night saying i",
"made all these advances on her and made her feel",
"uncomfortable and this and that. i had no idea",
"about any of this, never once did she say",
"anything to me about what was happening. i didn't",
"know i had done anything wrong but i felt bad.",
"her father then proceeds to chew me out for the",
"next 20 minutes about pressing charges and",
"telling me how terrible of a person i am. my",
"friends are next to me this entire time and are",
"absolutely flabbergasted. this girl has had sex",
"with tons of guys and i didn't even have sex with",
"her. regardless, i called her and apologized for",
"whatever i did that upset her, because i honestly",
"had no idea. she didn't even seem bothered by",
"it, simply brushing it off as no big deal. then",
"she just changed the subject and asked what i was",
"doing later.. her father had just made it sound",
"like i was some kind of sexual deviant and she",
"just didn't see the problem. i suppose i learned",
"my lesson about trying to go for slutty (and kind",
"of crazy girls)."
] |
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and i'm ready to get the train rolling. i won't go into detail but things started heating up and with tons of guys and i didn't even have sex with
|
4 | 6 | 0.68 | 4 |
so this fu took place in september of 2014. my boyfriend and i had been in a long distance relationship for about two months, and i was visiting him for a week. in other words, the relationship was still fairly new and i was still a bit nervous and giggly. i was 17 at the time, he was 19.
we always spooned when we slept, and usually stayed in that position throughout the night, waking up the same way. i tend to dream about random things, and that night, i dreamt of sitting down on the ground to pee (i usually get up to use the bathroom in the early morning). i never had much of a bed-wetting problem as a kid, but once in a blue moon i would randomly dream of peeing and actually pee a little in my sleep, waking up in the middle of the.. "release", so to speak. i was fast asleep during that dream (obv), but i still managed to remember that i always wake up when it's too late. thus, i was determined to catch it in time.
sadly, when i finally forced myself to wake up, i could feel myself peeing and that the liquid was rapidly spreading through my underwear. not only could i feel it on what i was wearing, but it had formed a fairly large... wet spot, on the sheets under me. at this point, it was 4 am and i had zero idea what to do. i opted for pushing my boyfriend away from the mess and mumbling something along the lines of "i don't know what the fuck happened but i guess i peed in my sleep a little?!" when, in fact, i knew exactly what had happened. he mumbled something back and didn't really react. i jumped out of bed, grabbed a towel, lay it over the wet spot and fell back asleep (how i managed to relax after this still boggles my mind).
in the morning, i soon realized i had to tell my boyfriend what happened. he didn't remember anything from what had happened during the night, nor what i had told him. so i had to tell him that i, his girlfriend, had wet his bed in my sleep. luckily for me, all he did was laugh (except give me a small "eeeewww" reaction for about 3 seconds) and make fun of me for it later. i got away easy, phew. while he was at work, i washed the sheets and made sure it didn't seep through into the mattress (thank god it didn’t).
somehow he still wanted to be with me after this, and we've now been together for 6 months :) so don't give up if you pee in your so's bed, there are worse fus out there.
|
wet myself in my boyfriend's bed at the age of 17. he couldn't remember anything so i had to tell him the next day.
|
wetting my boyfriend's bed
|
[
"so this fu took place in september of 2014. my",
"boyfriend and i had been in a long distance",
"relationship for about two months, and i was",
"visiting him for a week. in other words, the",
"relationship was still fairly new and i was still",
"a bit nervous and giggly. i was 17 at the time,",
"he was 19.",
"we always spooned when we slept, and usually",
"stayed in that position throughout the night,",
"waking up the same way. i tend to dream about",
"random things, and that night, i dreamt of",
"sitting down on the ground to pee (i usually get",
"up to use the bathroom in the early morning). i",
"never had much of a bed-wetting problem as a kid,",
"but once in a blue moon i would randomly dream of",
"peeing and actually pee a little in my sleep,",
"waking up in the middle of the.. \"release\", so to",
"speak. i was fast asleep during that dream (obv),",
"but i still managed to remember that i always",
"wake up when it's too late. thus, i was",
"determined to catch it in time.",
"sadly, when i finally forced myself to wake up, i",
"could feel myself peeing and that the liquid was",
"rapidly spreading through my underwear. not only",
"could i feel it on what i was wearing, but it had",
"formed a fairly large... wet spot, on the sheets",
"under me. at this point, it was 4 am and i had",
"zero idea what to do. i opted for pushing my",
"boyfriend away from the mess and mumbling",
"something along the lines of \"i don't know what",
"the fuck happened but i guess i peed in my sleep",
"a little?!\" when, in fact, i knew exactly what",
"had happened. he mumbled something back and",
"didn't really react. i jumped out of bed, grabbed",
"a towel, lay it over the wet spot and fell back",
"asleep (how i managed to relax after this still",
"boggles my mind).",
"in the morning, i soon realized i had to tell my",
"boyfriend what happened. he didn't remember",
"anything from what had happened during the night,",
"nor what i had told him. so i had to tell him",
"that i, his girlfriend, had wet his bed in my",
"sleep. luckily for me, all he did was laugh",
"(except give me a small \"eeeewww\" reaction for",
"about 3 seconds) and make fun of me for it later.",
"i got away easy, phew. while he was at work, i",
"washed the sheets and made sure it didn't seep",
"through into the mattress (thank god it didn’t).",
"somehow he still wanted to be with me after this,",
"and we've now been together for 6 months :) so",
"don't give up if you pee in your so's bed, there",
"are worse fus out there."
] |
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boyfriend what happened. he didn't remember nor what i had told him. so i had to tell him that i, his girlfriend, had wet his bed in my
|
189 | 43 | 0.92 | 189 |
this didn't happen today, it happened 15 odd years ago when i was in high school. i get good laughs out of it so i thought i would share it with you guys.
so when i was 13 i discovered masturbation. and i loved it. i'm talking at least twice a day. whenever my parents were out. masturbate. in my room with a lingerie catalogue. jack the rabbit. it was out of control.
anyway one day my parents were out all day and i was looking for something computer game related in our large storage cupboard when i found, way in the back, a cardboard box full of porn that must have belonged to my parents(and really did a bad job hiding come to think of it). this was the 90s kids, so no dvds, just like 20 vhs tapes of all sorts of shit. it was a friggin gold mine.
so i couldn't help myself, the first tape i laid my dirty little 13 year old fingers on went straight into the vhs machine and it was on. now in my rush to get things going i was careless. our living room had huge glass windows that overlooked our driveway. anyone coming up said driveway would get a clear view of what was going on.
so i was going all out, just totally enjoying the moment, when i hear a noise outside of the window, i look up and four elderly jehovah witnesses are standing about 10 feet from the window, staring at me furiously jerking off with shocked looks on their faces. we stared at each other for what felt like an eternity(i just sat there holding onto my massive 13 yo erection), until finally they turned around and walked back down the driveway.
we never had any visits from jehovahs ever again. they did leave reading material in our mailbox that day though, thought maybe i needed saving. hehe
|
got caught satisfying my 13 yo urges by four elderly jehovah witnesses.
|
getting caught masturbating by jehovahs. [nsfw]
|
[
"this didn't happen today, it happened 15 odd years",
"ago when i was in high school. i get good laughs",
"out of it so i thought i would share it with you",
"guys.",
"so when i was 13 i discovered masturbation. and",
"i loved it. i'm talking at least twice a day.",
"whenever my parents were out. masturbate. in my",
"room with a lingerie catalogue. jack the rabbit.",
"it was out of control.",
"anyway one day my parents were out all day and i",
"was looking for something computer game related",
"in our large storage cupboard when i found, way",
"in the back, a cardboard box full of porn that",
"must have belonged to my parents(and really did a",
"bad job hiding come to think of it). this was the",
"90s kids, so no dvds, just like 20 vhs tapes of",
"all sorts of shit. it was a friggin gold mine.",
"so i couldn't help myself, the first tape i laid",
"my dirty little 13 year old fingers on went",
"straight into the vhs machine and it was on. now",
"in my rush to get things going i was careless.",
"our living room had huge glass windows that",
"overlooked our driveway. anyone coming up said",
"driveway would get a clear view of what was going",
"on.",
"so i was going all out, just totally enjoying the",
"moment, when i hear a noise outside of the",
"window, i look up and four elderly jehovah",
"witnesses are standing about 10 feet from the",
"window, staring at me furiously jerking off with",
"shocked looks on their faces. we stared at each",
"other for what felt like an eternity(i just sat",
"there holding onto my massive 13 yo erection),",
"until finally they turned around and walked back",
"down the driveway.",
"we never had any visits from jehovahs ever again.",
"they did leave reading material in our mailbox",
"that day though, thought maybe i needed saving.",
"hehe"
] |
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window, i look up and four elderly jehovah there holding onto my massive 13 yo erection),
|
6,298 | 1,057 | 0.92 | 6,298 |
tifu by accidentally getting my cleaning lady high as fuck
so yesterday, i had a friend that was going to come over to play some mario kart in the afternoon. the problem was, i had told my cleaning lady, an older hispanic lady in her 60s, to come over at 3pm and she likes to have the place to herself when she cleans, which meant that either i had to tell her or my friend to come earlier. i messaged maria and she agreed to come earlier at 11am which would coincide well with a lunch meeting i had to be at. i gave her the normal $100 plus an extra $20 for being willing to come early and not giving me a hard time and then left the house, figuring she'd be gone by the time i got back.
i pull into my parking spot and see that her car is still there. hmmm, that's strange. wonder what took so long? my place is not that big and she did say she had extra energy today which sounded to me like she thought she'd be finished by the time i got home.
as i open the door i can see the place is almost finished. pretty nice job as usual, maria! but then she looks at me with terror in her eyes. she says, "i ate the chocolate."
you wot, m8?
she says she ate the chocolate and now feels…kinda weird. kinda tired. i said omg maria, you ate the wrong chocolate! she ate an entire strawberry wafflecone zenbar thc-infused edible! this was a freebie from a dispensary i got a couple months ago that i left lying around because i didn't want to fuck with it because it didn't say how much thc was in it. anybody who's tried edibles before knows that you can easily eat way more than you need to and thus, it's better to err on the side of caution and dose small at first.
maria asks me if she's gonna die. i think about it for a second and remember that nobody in the history of planet earth has ingested so much thc that they died from it. however, with my luck, this could easily be the first case in history of that happening.
i laughed and told her, no maria you're not gonna die, but you might have a bad trip. i tell her that it was marijuana in the chocolate and asked how long ago she ate it. she said 30 minutes so i suggested she throw it up so as to save herself from letting it digest further. she tried, but to no avail.
i said well maria, you can chill here until it wears off, you're certainly in no shape to drive. she begrudgingly agreed and thus began probably the worst trip she's ever had in her life. this poor lady sat on my couch trying not to die for the next 7 hours.
i searched the interwebs for any information i could find about how much thc was in this bad boy since there was none on the wrapper. turns out there's 120mg of thc aka 1.2 grams. the chocolate bar was sectioned off in 12, meaning she ate 12x a regular dose!!
then i start searching for anything i can find about what to do when someone's eaten more weed than they should have and the best i can come up with is one post on erowid about how milk and cookies can help sober you up.
my friend agrees to bring milk and cookies and finds maria on my couch all bundled up in a blanket.
i tried to sit with her and keep her company, but she wasn't having it. tried to turn on the tv or put some music on, wasn't having it. she told me not to look at her and to "not call any mens (sic)" which i believe meant that she felt like someone might take advantage of her in her vulnerable state. clearly the paranoia has set in.
anyways, my friend shows up with the milk and cookies and she agrees to eat one and drink a little milk.
we play mario kart in the other room and check on her every now and then between races. a couple hours pass, the sun has gone down, she's now 4 hours into the ride of her life when we check on her.
"i ate all the cookies."
we laugh our asses off and tell her that that was what they were for and she begins to look a little relieved. slowly over the next couple hours, she starts to look less terrified and actually a little refreshed. my friend leaves to go to dinner with her girlfriends and i make plans to go out as well, telling maria that i have to leave at 9:30 but that she's more than welcome to stay until she's cool to drive.
she says my place is scary at night by herself so she's going to sleep in the car if that's ok. i say sure that's fine, go ahead and that i'd be back to check on her when i got home, but that if she went home to please text me that she made it back.
10:30 rolls around and i'm in the club telling the story to my boys when i get the message:
"i got home thank god!"
phew! our collective nightmare is over and order has been restored. but i don't think she will ever ever ever ever eat anything in my house ever again.
the irony was that if she'd only been a little less picky in her chocolate choices, she woulda been fine. i'd recently come back to canada with a huge dark chocolate bar that was easily 3x the size of the edible but she didn't eat that one which was plainly in sight. nope, she went for what she thought was the one i'd forgotten about and karma was an instant bitch yesterday.
now the only question is: should i call her back to clean next month?
bonus: maria on the ride of her life
[http://imgur.com/4ipyyw7](http://imgur.com/4ipyyw7)
**edit:** thanks for the gold! made the front page for the first time ever!
here are some replies to frequent comments:
- i hadn't seen the al madrigal bit until now but that shit is hella funny. i can 100% assure you that this really did happen on friday.
- i did offer to drive her home early in the afternoon and my friend certainly woulda followed in her car but she wasn't having it because her family was at home and she was freaking out.
- by the time 9:30 rolled around she was definitely down from a [10] to a [3] and looked visibly refreshed. my parking garage is underground and gated/covered so she was in no danger to chill down there for a bit. based on when i got the text message and when i left, she chilled for half an hour and bounced.
- turns out 120mg is only .12 grams, not 1.2 so phew! thank god my metric math sucks!! she'd prolly still be trippin' if it were more!
- for the record i didn't take the photo, my friend did. she was like "let's take a picture!!" and i said no, but she did it when i was in the other room anyways. when she showed me at the club (her and her friends showed up later and also thought it was hilarious), i fuckin' died and decided to post it. hey at least i blurred her face.
- the candy bar was definitely labeled: [http://imgur.com/tphwf10](http://imgur.com/tphwf10)
|
my cleaning lady ate an entire fucking edible and spent the afternoon high out of her mind on my couch.
|
getting my cleaning lady high as fuck
|
[
"tifu by accidentally getting my cleaning lady high",
"as fuck",
"so yesterday, i had a friend that was going to",
"come over to play some mario kart in the",
"afternoon. the problem was, i had told my",
"cleaning lady, an older hispanic lady in her 60s,",
"to come over at 3pm and she likes to have the",
"place to herself when she cleans, which meant",
"that either i had to tell her or my friend to",
"come earlier. i messaged maria and she agreed to",
"come earlier at 11am which would coincide well",
"with a lunch meeting i had to be at. i gave her",
"the normal $100 plus an extra $20 for being",
"willing to come early and not giving me a hard",
"time and then left the house, figuring she'd be",
"gone by the time i got back.",
"i pull into my parking spot and see that her car",
"is still there. hmmm, that's strange. wonder",
"what took so long? my place is not that big and",
"she did say she had extra energy today which",
"sounded to me like she thought she'd be finished",
"by the time i got home.",
"as i open the door i can see the place is almost",
"finished. pretty nice job as usual, maria! but",
"then she looks at me with terror in her eyes.",
"she says, \"i ate the chocolate.\"",
"you wot, m8?",
"she says she ate the chocolate and now",
"feels…kinda weird. kinda tired. i said omg",
"maria, you ate the wrong chocolate! she ate an",
"entire strawberry wafflecone zenbar thc-infused",
"edible! this was a freebie from a dispensary i",
"got a couple months ago that i left lying around",
"because i didn't want to fuck with it because it",
"didn't say how much thc was in it. anybody who's",
"tried edibles before knows that you can easily",
"eat way more than you need to and thus, it's",
"better to err on the side of caution and dose",
"small at first.",
"maria asks me if she's gonna die. i think about",
"it for a second and remember that nobody in the",
"history of planet earth has ingested so much thc",
"that they died from it. however, with my luck,",
"this could easily be the first case in history of",
"that happening.",
"i laughed and told her, no maria you're not gonna",
"die, but you might have a bad trip. i tell her",
"that it was marijuana in the chocolate and asked",
"how long ago she ate it. she said 30 minutes so",
"i suggested she throw it up so as to save herself",
"from letting it digest further. she tried, but",
"to no avail.",
"i said well maria, you can chill here until it",
"wears off, you're certainly in no shape to drive.",
"she begrudgingly agreed and thus began probably",
"the worst trip she's ever had in her life. this",
"poor lady sat on my couch trying not to die for",
"the next 7 hours.",
"i searched the interwebs for any information i",
"could find about how much thc was in this bad boy",
"since there was none on the wrapper. turns out",
"there's 120mg of thc aka 1.2 grams. the",
"chocolate bar was sectioned off in 12, meaning",
"she ate 12x a regular dose!!",
"then i start searching for anything i can find",
"about what to do when someone's eaten more weed",
"than they should have and the best i can come up",
"with is one post on erowid about how milk and",
"cookies can help sober you up.",
"my friend agrees to bring milk and cookies and",
"finds maria on my couch all bundled up in a",
"blanket.",
"i tried to sit with her and keep her company, but",
"she wasn't having it. tried to turn on the tv or",
"put some music on, wasn't having it. she told me",
"not to look at her and to \"not call any mens",
"(sic)\" which i believe meant that she felt like",
"someone might take advantage of her in her",
"vulnerable state. clearly the paranoia has set",
"in.",
"anyways, my friend shows up with the milk and",
"cookies and she agrees to eat one and drink a",
"little milk.",
"we play mario kart in the other room and check on",
"her every now and then between races. a couple",
"hours pass, the sun has gone down, she's now 4",
"hours into the ride of her life when we check on",
"her.",
"\"i ate all the cookies.\"",
"we laugh our asses off and tell her that that was",
"what they were for and she begins to look a",
"little relieved. slowly over the next couple",
"hours, she starts to look less terrified and",
"actually a little refreshed. my friend leaves to",
"go to dinner with her girlfriends and i make",
"plans to go out as well, telling maria that i",
"have to leave at 9:30 but that she's more than",
"welcome to stay until she's cool to drive.",
"she says my place is scary at night by herself so",
"she's going to sleep in the car if that's ok. i",
"say sure that's fine, go ahead and that i'd be",
"back to check on her when i got home, but that if",
"she went home to please text me that she made it",
"back.",
"10:30 rolls around and i'm in the club telling",
"the story to my boys when i get the message:",
"\"i got home thank god!\"",
"phew! our collective nightmare is over and order",
"has been restored. but i don't think she will",
"ever ever ever ever eat anything in my house ever",
"again.",
"the irony was that if she'd only been a little",
"less picky in her chocolate choices, she woulda",
"been fine. i'd recently come back to canada with",
"a huge dark chocolate bar that was easily 3x the",
"size of the edible but she didn't eat that one",
"which was plainly in sight. nope, she went for",
"what she thought was the one i'd forgotten about",
"and karma was an instant bitch yesterday.",
"now the only question is: should i call her back",
"to clean next month?",
"bonus: maria on the ride of her life",
"[http://imgur.com/4ipyyw7](http://imgur.com/4ipyy",
"w7)",
"**edit:** thanks for the gold! made the front",
"page for the first time ever!",
"here are some replies to frequent comments:",
"- i hadn't seen the al madrigal bit until now but",
"that shit is hella funny. i can 100% assure you",
"that this really did happen on friday.",
"- i did offer to drive her home early in the",
"afternoon and my friend certainly woulda followed",
"in her car but she wasn't having it because her",
"family was at home and she was freaking out.",
"- by the time 9:30 rolled around she was",
"definitely down from a [10] to a [3] and looked",
"visibly refreshed. my parking garage is",
"underground and gated/covered so she was in no",
"danger to chill down there for a bit. based on",
"when i got the text message and when i left, she",
"chilled for half an hour and bounced.",
"- turns out 120mg is only .12 grams, not 1.2 so",
"phew! thank god my metric math sucks!! she'd",
"prolly still be trippin' if it were more!",
"- for the record i didn't take the photo, my",
"friend did. she was like \"let's take a",
"picture!!\" and i said no, but she did it when i",
"was in the other room anyways. when she showed",
"me at the club (her and her friends showed up",
"later and also thought it was hilarious), i",
"fuckin' died and decided to post it. hey at",
"least i blurred her face.",
"- the candy bar was definitely labeled:",
"[http://imgur.com/tphwf10](http://imgur.com/tphwf",
"10)"
] |
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tifu by accidentally getting my cleaning lady high maria, you ate the wrong chocolate! she ate an bonus: maria on the ride of her life
|
5 | 5 | 0.8 | 5 |
obligatory persuasive statement: i'm not racist. i'm the most open minded person out there. really, i am. we live in a very diverse community, have diverse friendships, i'm a minority myself.
i have three kids, little boys, who say and act and do the most stupid, crazy ass shit on a daily basis. i like talking, and i am always talking, i explain things all the time. why it's inappropriate to say this or do that, in regards to my kids stupid, crazy ass, daily shit.
my 7 year old, being the youngest boy, always getting interrupted by his brothers, always feeling duped by them, etc, has anger issues.
his oldest brother, 10, comes home saying very racist things. they attend a predominantly african american elementary school. it's a great school, good teachers, i lucked out with the curriculum. but my 5th grader comes home with "mom, my friends say that they are the better race." or "they call me little dick, cause i'm white." or this gem "you can't hang with us, cracka."
we aren't even white.
whatever, i like that my kids are exposed to the different cultures out there, and i just tell them how we are all equal, we are all human beings, and our color doesn't matter, it's what's on the inside that counts. very pc stuff.
fast forward to the next morning, driving the boys to school. my little anger issue 7 year old, tells us "i hate this girl in my class, she's ugly. she has rotten teeth and brown skin."
ugh, was he not paying attention when i made my "we are the world" speech? i tell him, "honey, that isn't nice to say, she is a nice girl, and it's not nice to point out peoples skin color. you have other friends who are black. her skin does not make her ugly."
"her skin is brown, not black."
time to drop off, kisses, hugs, free for 7 hours, thank god!
i get a phone call at the end of the school day. they want me to come in to discuss something in regards to one of the boys. i don't know which boy, but i know it has something to do with stupid, crazy ass boy stuff shit.
it's the seven year old. he was angry for a girl butting into his conversation. he told her "go to hell. you're ugly and your family is brown."
i'm stunned. i ask him "what have we talked about, skin color doesn't matter." i completely by pass the hell comment, because i know that the african american principal didn't call me in to talk about religion.
i say a few more things about how we talk about racism at home, and we are all human. i apologize profusely to the principal and vice principal, ask them to apologize to the family on my behalf, shake hands just before the tears well up in my eyes. we agreed to a fitting punishment for him, and i'm out.
fuck, i'm friends with every parent in the school. the usually cheerful secretaries don't even look up as i say, "see you ladies." i feel ashamed.
my seven year old, who is feeling bad about the whole thing, then says to me, without any prompting, "the vice principal asked me 'who told you about black and white.'"
"what did you say?"
"i told her you taught me."
fuck
|
kids don't think it's racist if you say "brown" instead of black.
|
being a racist parent
|
[
"obligatory persuasive statement: i'm not racist.",
"i'm the most open minded person out there.",
"really, i am. we live in a very diverse",
"community, have diverse friendships, i'm a",
"minority myself.",
"i have three kids, little boys, who say and act",
"and do the most stupid, crazy ass shit on a daily",
"basis. i like talking, and i am always talking,",
"i explain things all the time. why it's",
"inappropriate to say this or do that, in regards",
"to my kids stupid, crazy ass, daily shit.",
"my 7 year old, being the youngest boy, always",
"getting interrupted by his brothers, always",
"feeling duped by them, etc, has anger issues.",
"his oldest brother, 10, comes home saying very",
"racist things. they attend a predominantly",
"african american elementary school. it's a great",
"school, good teachers, i lucked out with the",
"curriculum. but my 5th grader comes home with",
"\"mom, my friends say that they are the better",
"race.\" or \"they call me little dick, cause i'm",
"white.\" or this gem \"you can't hang with us,",
"cracka.\"",
"we aren't even white.",
"whatever, i like that my kids are exposed to the",
"different cultures out there, and i just tell",
"them how we are all equal, we are all human",
"beings, and our color doesn't matter, it's what's",
"on the inside that counts. very pc stuff.",
"fast forward to the next morning, driving the",
"boys to school. my little anger issue 7 year",
"old, tells us \"i hate this girl in my class,",
"she's ugly. she has rotten teeth and brown",
"skin.\"",
"ugh, was he not paying attention when i made my",
"\"we are the world\" speech? i tell him, \"honey,",
"that isn't nice to say, she is a nice girl, and",
"it's not nice to point out peoples skin color.",
"you have other friends who are black. her skin",
"does not make her ugly.\"",
"\"her skin is brown, not black.\"",
"time to drop off, kisses, hugs, free for 7 hours,",
"thank god!",
"i get a phone call at the end of the school day.",
"they want me to come in to discuss something in",
"regards to one of the boys. i don't know which",
"boy, but i know it has something to do with",
"stupid, crazy ass boy stuff shit.",
"it's the seven year old. he was angry for a girl",
"butting into his conversation. he told her \"go",
"to hell. you're ugly and your family is brown.\"",
"i'm stunned. i ask him \"what have we talked",
"about, skin color doesn't matter.\" i completely",
"by pass the hell comment, because i know that the",
"african american principal didn't call me in to",
"talk about religion.",
"i say a few more things about how we talk about",
"racism at home, and we are all human. i",
"apologize profusely to the principal and vice",
"principal, ask them to apologize to the family on",
"my behalf, shake hands just before the tears well",
"up in my eyes. we agreed to a fitting punishment",
"for him, and i'm out.",
"fuck, i'm friends with every parent in the",
"school. the usually cheerful secretaries don't",
"even look up as i say, \"see you ladies.\" i feel",
"ashamed.",
"my seven year old, who is feeling bad about the",
"whole thing, then says to me, without any",
"prompting, \"the vice principal asked me 'who told",
"you about black and white.'\"",
"\"what did you say?\"\n\n\"i told her you taught me.\"",
"fuck"
] |
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i have three kids, little boys, who say and act you about black and white.'"
|
1 | 1 | 0.67 | 1 |
this happened last week.
sitting on the toilet at work reading about the whole zack (he has a tiny dick), jenny (she's a bitch) story. forgot to give a courtesy flush at work because i'm so into the updates and comments.
i should also mention i work at a dunkin donuts/mini mart and i'm the only closing the dunkins side. my co worker can't do anything at dunkies, he doesn't know how to do anythingso here i am on the toilet he tells me i have a customer. ok. put my phone down. wipe. flush. wash hands. look at toilet.
fuck.
next thing poop colored water is rising out of the toilet. no big deal go plunge it right? toilet just laughed and then probably puked my poop out. had to mop up my poop water. the customer wasn't even there when i was done. this job is so shitty.
|
don't poop and reddit.
|
pooing at work.
|
[
"this happened last week.",
"sitting on the toilet at work reading about the",
"whole zack (he has a tiny dick), jenny (she's a",
"bitch) story. forgot to give a courtesy flush at",
"work because i'm so into the updates and",
"comments.",
"i should also mention i work at a dunkin",
"donuts/mini mart and i'm the only closing the",
"dunkins side. my co worker can't do anything at",
"dunkies, he doesn't know how to do anythingso",
"here i am on the toilet he tells me i have a",
"customer. ok. put my phone down. wipe. flush.",
"wash hands. look at toilet.",
"fuck.",
"next thing poop colored water is rising out of",
"the toilet. no big deal go plunge it right?",
"toilet just laughed and then probably puked my",
"poop out. had to mop up my poop water. the",
"customer wasn't even there when i was done. this",
"job is so shitty."
] |
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donuts/mini mart and i'm the only closing the
|
0 | 10 | 0.44 | 0 |
a little background : i'm 17 and i live with my parents and have my own room wich has a lock on the door wich comes in very handy (pun intended) when i want some private time. today like every other day i masturbated twice before my parents came home and came in a kitchen paper and put it in my trashcan, just like every day.
about an hour later when my parents are home my mom comes in to my room and wants to show me some article to strengthen my faith or something (my parents are very religious). after she couldn't find the article she wanted to show me a funny video on facebook of some cop singing along to taylor swift in his car. i find the video and as i start the video i hear something drip on the floor. my mom was peeling a orange and some of the juice dripped on my floor. this is where things took a really nasty turn... i told her what the fuck?! clean it up (in a dissapointed way not commanding her) and she apologizes and reaches for my trashcan and fucking picks up one of my jizzpapers. i sit there paralyzed in horror as my fucking mother is holding one of my seamen filled jizz papers. she tries to clean it up but the paper is obviously already wet and it sticks to the floor and to her hand. i start shouting for her to get out and she throws back the jizz wad and apologizes and quickly leaves, leaving me in pure horror and disgust. oh and she told me she loves me before she left.
i'm too afraid to leave my room now and i don't think i can ever look at my mom again, fml reddit.
|
mom tried to strengthen my faith, ended up with my semen on her.
|
getting my jizz on my religious mom
|
[
"a little background : i'm 17 and i live with my",
"parents and have my own room wich has a lock on",
"the door wich comes in very handy (pun intended)",
"when i want some private time. today like every",
"other day i masturbated twice before my parents",
"came home and came in a kitchen paper and put it",
"in my trashcan, just like every day.",
"about an hour later when my parents are home my",
"mom comes in to my room and wants to show me some",
"article to strengthen my faith or something (my",
"parents are very religious). after she couldn't",
"find the article she wanted to show me a funny",
"video on facebook of some cop singing along to",
"taylor swift in his car. i find the video and as",
"i start the video i hear something drip on the",
"floor. my mom was peeling a orange and some of",
"the juice dripped on my floor. this is where",
"things took a really nasty turn... i told her",
"what the fuck?! clean it up (in a dissapointed",
"way not commanding her) and she apologizes and",
"reaches for my trashcan and fucking picks up one",
"of my jizzpapers. i sit there paralyzed in horror",
"as my fucking mother is holding one of my seamen",
"filled jizz papers. she tries to clean it up but",
"the paper is obviously already wet and it sticks",
"to the floor and to her hand. i start shouting",
"for her to get out and she throws back the jizz",
"wad and apologizes and quickly leaves, leaving me",
"in pure horror and disgust. oh and she told me",
"she loves me before she left.",
"i'm too afraid to leave my room now and i don't",
"think i can ever look at my mom again, fml",
"reddit."
] |
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article to strengthen my faith or something (my
|
2 | 2 | 0.75 | 2 |
the 21st january 2015 was birthday. i went out that night and met some of my close friends. we did nothing special since it was in the middle of the week, so not a good day to party. i decided to arrange something for the 23th, so i bought a bunch of booze and went out with friends to get insanely drunk. the plan worked perfectly: by 1 o' clock i was so drunk i could barely stand. when we called the night a friend of mine gently walked me to my place, despite being pretty drunk himself. as soon as i got out of the elevator i puked my soul on the stairs. once i got home, my friend left me and i went to the bathroom, so that i wouldn't damage the wood pavements we have in the rest of the house. i woke up god only knows when having suddenly blacked out: i didn't know where i was or how the fuck i got there, and the complete darkness of the bathroom did not help; so i panicked and puked more. when i got a hold of myself again i washed my mouth and went to bed.
the morning after a raging hangover welcomes me and i find out that i managed to puke on the carpet outside the shower, pretty much the only thing hard to clean in the whole bathroom.
so i had to clean the stairwell without even being able to drink a glass of water because whatever i put in my stomach was violently expelled minutes after.
but it ain't over: when the civil war between my bowels ended, i found out that my mom washed my jacket... with the weed i had in a pocket
**
|
: got drunk to celebrate my bday, puked in all the worst places and, after emerging from a pool of my own vomit, realized my mom washed my weed**
|
celebrating my bday
|
[
"the 21st january 2015 was birthday. i went out",
"that night and met some of my close friends. we",
"did nothing special since it was in the middle of",
"the week, so not a good day to party. i decided",
"to arrange something for the 23th, so i bought a",
"bunch of booze and went out with friends to get",
"insanely drunk. the plan worked perfectly: by 1",
"o' clock i was so drunk i could barely stand.",
"when we called the night a friend of mine gently",
"walked me to my place, despite being pretty drunk",
"himself. as soon as i got out of the elevator i",
"puked my soul on the stairs. once i got home, my",
"friend left me and i went to the bathroom, so",
"that i wouldn't damage the wood pavements we have",
"in the rest of the house. i woke up god only",
"knows when having suddenly blacked out: i didn't",
"know where i was or how the fuck i got there, and",
"the complete darkness of the bathroom did not",
"help; so i panicked and puked more. when i got a",
"hold of myself again i washed my mouth and went",
"to bed.",
"the morning after a raging hangover welcomes me",
"and i find out that i managed to puke on the",
"carpet outside the shower, pretty much the only",
"thing hard to clean in the whole bathroom.",
"so i had to clean the stairwell without even",
"being able to drink a glass of water because",
"whatever i put in my stomach was violently",
"expelled minutes after.",
"but it ain't over: when the civil war between my",
"bowels ended, i found out that my mom washed my",
"jacket... with the weed i had in a pocket",
"**"
] |
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bunch of booze and went out with friends to get bowels ended, i found out that my mom washed my jacket... with the weed i had in a pocket
|
2 | 3 | 1 | 2 |
so this all happened about three years ago i was still in high school. my cousin invited me to go participate at regionals at anaheim to play yugioh. it was my first and last regionals i have ever went to. regionals is a tournament where people from that region compete for prizes. only the top 8 would receive prizes. also for those who don't know why yugioh is it is a trading card game for children. it's pretty fun to play though. anyway, my cousin and i end up getting a ride from his friend, larry, at 3am then we pick his other friend, bob, and we head over to anaheim. we get there early and our day begins. we all meet people, shake their hands, trade cards, play the rounds, open new card packs, and play against more people. not one of us ended up winning top 8, but we ended up having a fun day. we start leaving anaheim at 12am and it hits me. so throughout the whole day i had nothing to eat i was starving nor have i gone to the bathroom. we pull up to mc donald's and buy some mc chickens. i devour the mc chickens and my stomach starts to make a growling noise as if it was taking some foreign substance. at this time we were already on the freeway back home, and my stomach keeps making the growling noises. as i feel it going lower and lower into my intestines i realize "fuck i gotta take a shit." i told larry if he could stop somewhere and he said no we are pretty far. the growling stops instead an agonizing pain reveals itself and i take note that it wasn't a regular shit, but rather diarrhea. i remember all the hands i touched the cards i handled. i didn't wash my hands after all that and i am usually a clean person. i scream to larry, "i am about to blow!" and he screams back, "hold it!" it was too late the diarrhea came out and my cousin, larry, and bob could smell it. instead of taking me to a fucking restroom they shove me in the trunk of the car and have the windows down. keep in mind the car is like a truck but the trunk has a cover on top so cops couldn't see me. putting me in the trunk was not to help me but help them not to smell the poop. the cold air coming in from the windows did not help me at all. then another repeat of shit city occurs but this time it's more like shit country. i am laying down in the trunk with a pool of my own feces. i wanted to cry but the cold air from the wind would make my eyes dry. instead of taking me to a restroom larry decides to take his sweet time and drop off bob and take a longer route to the nearest bathroom. while i laid there i began to think about how i would never play yugioh again. we then arrive at a denny's i climb out of the trunk and the poop falls all over my legs and i run towards the denny's as if i was oscar pistorius. i ran inside saw the denny's was packed, so packed it was as if it was everybody and everybody's grandmas birthday today. it was already 2am why are people still wanting to eat denny's?! i immediately ran out awkwardly and just told larry to take me home. he said,"naw go clean yourself." and my cousin agreed as well. i ran back like pistorius and this time zipped passed by security straight to bathroom and into the stall. i relieved and cleaned myself and my cousin walked inside the bathroom to ask how i was doing. horrible i was half naked had to throwaway my jeans and underwear. luckily my cousin had a pair of shorts under his jeans so he saved my whiteass there. no free show for you denny's. he handed me the shorts and i put them on. they were huge i had to hold them with one hand. as i walked out of the stall i see these two african american ladies they looked around mid 20s waiting right next to the men's restroom i am guessing to smell my horrible poop. it was as if they were so impressed by my shit they kept coming back to smell it. i didn't say anything i was still embarrassed and just walked to the truck and went home. i took a one hour shower and went straight to bed. i am never going to a yugioh tournament ever again.
|
i go to yugioh tournament don't eat or wash hands after days worth of communicating with people. i eat after the tournament and on the truck drive home i get diarrhea. i end up defecating myself and thrown in the trunk. make it to denny's while laying in a pool of feces run to denny's bathroom and clean myself.
|
defecating after yugioh tournament.
|
[
"so this all happened about three years ago i was",
"still in high school. my cousin invited me to go",
"participate at regionals at anaheim to play",
"yugioh. it was my first and last regionals i have",
"ever went to. regionals is a tournament where",
"people from that region compete for prizes. only",
"the top 8 would receive prizes. also for those",
"who don't know why yugioh is it is a trading card",
"game for children. it's pretty fun to play",
"though. anyway, my cousin and i end up getting a",
"ride from his friend, larry, at 3am then we pick",
"his other friend, bob, and we head over to",
"anaheim. we get there early and our day begins.",
"we all meet people, shake their hands, trade",
"cards, play the rounds, open new card packs, and",
"play against more people. not one of us ended up",
"winning top 8, but we ended up having a fun day.",
"we start leaving anaheim at 12am and it hits me.",
"so throughout the whole day i had nothing to eat",
"i was starving nor have i gone to the bathroom.",
"we pull up to mc donald's and buy some mc",
"chickens. i devour the mc chickens and my stomach",
"starts to make a growling noise as if it was",
"taking some foreign substance. at this time we",
"were already on the freeway back home, and my",
"stomach keeps making the growling noises. as i",
"feel it going lower and lower into my intestines",
"i realize \"fuck i gotta take a shit.\" i told",
"larry if he could stop somewhere and he said no",
"we are pretty far. the growling stops instead an",
"agonizing pain reveals itself and i take note",
"that it wasn't a regular shit, but rather",
"diarrhea. i remember all the hands i touched the",
"cards i handled. i didn't wash my hands after all",
"that and i am usually a clean person. i scream to",
"larry, \"i am about to blow!\" and he screams back,",
"\"hold it!\" it was too late the diarrhea came out",
"and my cousin, larry, and bob could smell it.",
"instead of taking me to a fucking restroom they",
"shove me in the trunk of the car and have the",
"windows down. keep in mind the car is like a",
"truck but the trunk has a cover on top so cops",
"couldn't see me. putting me in the trunk was not",
"to help me but help them not to smell the poop.",
"the cold air coming in from the windows did not",
"help me at all. then another repeat of shit city",
"occurs but this time it's more like shit country.",
"i am laying down in the trunk with a pool of my",
"own feces. i wanted to cry but the cold air from",
"the wind would make my eyes dry. instead of",
"taking me to a restroom larry decides to take his",
"sweet time and drop off bob and take a longer",
"route to the nearest bathroom. while i laid there",
"i began to think about how i would never play",
"yugioh again. we then arrive at a denny's i climb",
"out of the trunk and the poop falls all over my",
"legs and i run towards the denny's as if i was",
"oscar pistorius. i ran inside saw the denny's was",
"packed, so packed it was as if it was everybody",
"and everybody's grandmas birthday today. it was",
"already 2am why are people still wanting to eat",
"denny's?! i immediately ran out awkwardly and",
"just told larry to take me home. he said,\"naw go",
"clean yourself.\" and my cousin agreed as well. i",
"ran back like pistorius and this time zipped",
"passed by security straight to bathroom and into",
"the stall. i relieved and cleaned myself and my",
"cousin walked inside the bathroom to ask how i",
"was doing. horrible i was half naked had to",
"throwaway my jeans and underwear. luckily my",
"cousin had a pair of shorts under his jeans so he",
"saved my whiteass there. no free show for you",
"denny's. he handed me the shorts and i put them",
"on. they were huge i had to hold them with one",
"hand. as i walked out of the stall i see these",
"two african american ladies they looked around",
"mid 20s waiting right next to the men's restroom",
"i am guessing to smell my horrible poop. it was",
"as if they were so impressed by my shit they kept",
"coming back to smell it. i didn't say anything i",
"was still embarrassed and just walked to the",
"truck and went home. i took a one hour shower and",
"went straight to bed. i am never going to a",
"yugioh tournament ever again."
] |
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though. anyway, my cousin and i end up getting a were already on the freeway back home, and my diarrhea. i remember all the hands i touched the cards i handled. i didn't wash my hands after all i am laying down in the trunk with a pool of my route to the nearest bathroom. while i laid there yugioh tournament ever again.
|
1 | 4 | 0.67 | 1 |
a couple of weeks back, but forgot to post.
so, my dad had been going to a lot of funerals lately. his cousin (call her sally) lost her husband a while back, then just lost her mother in early december. her daughter (call her michelle) did not answer her phone when they were trying to get her to come to the funeral. michelle ends up not showing up, so her uncle goes to her house to check up on her, only to find that she had been murdered about a week before. her funeral ends up being the day after our family christmas.
on our way back, we make a detour to the funeral home, and we all sit in. as it comes to a close, we all come up to the front and give our condolences to sally, her brother, other daughter and her boyfriend. they were people i have either never seen before or haven't seen since i was an infant (don't you love the whole "i haven't seen you since you were this big!") but they're family going through a real shitty time, so we exchange hugs and kind words. then it's my turn, with her brother. we shake hands and hug and he asks, "how are you doing?" these people, my family, are going through the roughest time of their life, and what does my dumb ass say?
"doing great how about yourself?"
borderline shocked he looks up and says "thanks for coming." that's when i start to realize what i had just said, then awkwardly walked to the car.
|
went to a funeral for my dad's cousin's daughter's funeral, just after they had lost her mother, and said i was doing great.
|
going on autopilot
|
[
"a couple of weeks back, but forgot to post.",
"so, my dad had been going to a lot of funerals",
"lately. his cousin (call her sally) lost her",
"husband a while back, then just lost her mother",
"in early december. her daughter (call her",
"michelle) did not answer her phone when they were",
"trying to get her to come to the funeral.",
"michelle ends up not showing up, so her uncle",
"goes to her house to check up on her, only to",
"find that she had been murdered about a week",
"before. her funeral ends up being the day after",
"our family christmas.",
"on our way back, we make a detour to the funeral",
"home, and we all sit in. as it comes to a close,",
"we all come up to the front and give our",
"condolences to sally, her brother, other daughter",
"and her boyfriend. they were people i have either",
"never seen before or haven't seen since i was an",
"infant (don't you love the whole \"i haven't seen",
"you since you were this big!\") but they're family",
"going through a real shitty time, so we exchange",
"hugs and kind words. then it's my turn, with her",
"brother. we shake hands and hug and he asks, \"how",
"are you doing?\" these people, my family, are",
"going through the roughest time of their life,",
"and what does my dumb ass say?",
"\"doing great how about yourself?\"",
"borderline shocked he looks up and says \"thanks",
"for coming.\" that's when i start to realize what",
"i had just said, then awkwardly walked to the",
"car."
] |
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husband a while back, then just lost her mother "doing great how about yourself?" i had just said, then awkwardly walked to the
|
43 | 83 | 0.76 | 43 |
before i start writing how i fucked up, i just want to let everyone know that just because i consider myself ex-mormon, i do not hate mormons, nor am i "anti-mormon." i am not here to discuss all the doctrinal issues of the church or why i disbelieve in it anymore. i am just wanting to share with you my situation and get some insight into what my fellow redditors think about it.
first though, a bit of some background information: my intentions were never to go out and find a mormon girl to date, and keep it a secret that i don't believe in the church anymore. i consider myself a decent guy who tries to be as open and honest about myself as possible. however, the only thing that is keeping my from doing that, is the fact that i am in a situation right now that will not allow me to tell my friends, family, and co-workers that i do not believe in what they all believe. to grow up in utah surrounded by mormons, and to have all your family be mormon was very hard for me. i stopped believing in the church when i was about 16, but because of societal pressures, i never told anyone. i even served a 2 year mission in europe preaching as a missionary (during these 2 years i tried really hard to convince myself the the mormon church was true, but never really could). some of you may ask, "why didn't you just not go on a mission and leave the church?" i couldn't do it. i'm sorry, i don't have the balls a lot of you have.
this is what usually happens when someone leaves the mormon church: friends who are lds either usually stop talking to you, or they try to convince you that what you did was wrong and try really hard to get you back in the church. leaders in the church will start visiting you to see what went wrong and will also try to convince you that what you did was wrong and try to get you back to church. family members who are strong in the church will either stop talking to you as "punishment" or will try to convince you that what you did was wrong and try to come back. sometimes, some family members are really understanding and don't really say anything and accept you either way. in my case, i had an older brother who left the church before he went to college (i was still in middle school at the time), and my parents kicked him out of the house, refused to pay for any of his schooling, stopped talking to him, and till this day they haven't made any contact with him. i have talked to him obviously, and he has since gone to an amazing school, got an amazing job, got married to an amazing girl and has a beautiful family. it makes me sad to know my parents still refuse to talk to him. they say he will figure it out someday that the church is true and will come back asking for forgiveness. i did not want this to happen to me.
however, i am usually on the fence about this. some days i feel like i just want to say fuck everything and tell everyone i will leave the church, regardless of the outcome, and start a new life with new friends, and if my family decides to abandon me, then at least i still have my brother. other days, i feel like i could never tell my parents. the pain i would go through just seems unbearable.
anyway, back to the story of this girl. i didn't plan to date a mormon girl this entire time. all i wanted to do was to figure my shit out first, focus on my career and move on with life without getting distracted by dating. then one day, by accident, i ran into this girl at the library and noticed that she was there to return a book that i was planning on picking up that day. so i asked her about it, and then we started talking about other things that we have in common. i immediately became interested and wanted to talk with her more and meet up with her again. so i asked for her number and told her i'd call her sometime. since many people in utah are mormon, i kind-of to assume that she was since i didn't really see any signs that she was not mormon (cup of coffee in hand, more than one set of earrings, etc), so i was a little wary at first.
i decided to give her a call about a week later, and we went out for lunch. it turned out she had served a mission, very active in the church, and was looking to move out of utah soon and find a job somewhere else. we talked about a lot of things that i really enjoy talking about. as we sat there talking and talking, i realized that she was amazing. she was perfect. everything was perfect except for the fact that she was a strong believer of the church. i couldn't tell her i don't believe anymore, so i told her i also had served a mission. and during that lunch, all i could think was, "oh god, this girl is amazing. she's beautiful, she's smart, she's witty, and she has so many of the same interests as i do."
i left that lunch really happy. for the next week i couldn't stop thinking about her. i had to see her again. i called her once more, and we planned to meet up so that we could make some food at my place. and this happened over and over again, until eventually we started dating exclusively. the more i got to know her, the more i realized how perfect she was for me except for that little detail.
now, fast-forward a year till today. i look back, and all i can think is, "oh god, i really really fucked up." i don't know what to do. i can't keep my disbelief in the church a secret to her. i can't tell her though. it would destroy her to know that i have lied this whole time. and i feel like this isn't even something i should lie about! i have never cheated on her. i have never even flirted with other girls this whole time. if she found out, i don't know what she would do. i am so close to her family as well, that her family would be so dissapointed. she would also probably want to tell my parents too, that i lied, that i left the church and what not. the risks i take in telling her are too great. and now she is talking about wanting to get married. i can't get married to her. how can i live the rest of my life with someone from whom i have kept a huge secret. this wasn't my plan. i look back and i wonder that it probably would have been so much better had i left utah, met a girl who wasn't mormon, eventually tell my family that i fell in love with someone not of the faith, and maybe things would have turned out better.
but i feel it's too late. if i break up with her, there will be a lot of pain for the both of us. and what would i say if i broke up with her? i can't tell her that i am breaking up with her because of our differences in belief regarding the mormon faith. like i said before, that will not go well, and my relationship with my family will get ruined. i know she will tell my family. even if i asked her to keep it a secret, my family will try to find out why we broke up. my family loves her, so i can totally see them calling her up and trying really hard to get information out of her. some of you may be wondering why i don't just tell her and see if she accepts me the way i am? i know her too well to think that she will be fine with that. as much as she loves me, her ultimate goal is to get married in the church, and if i can't take her to the "temple" to get married, she would rather get married to someone else.
my other option is to just keep it a secret the rest of my life, get married to her, and just stay happy. i figured that this life is so short, that in the big scheme of things, all of this won't matter. but at least i will be with her in this life. my only problem with that, is what if we have children? how am i going to feel okay with raising my kids in a church that i don't believe in?
i hope that some day she will come to the same conclusions as me, and realize that the church isn't true. if that happens, then i think i would have found the most perfect girl in the world for me. i would be so happy. but until that day, i have really, really fucked up.
|
; met a girl a year ago who is mormon, i'm not mormon anymore but i have kept it a secret from her this whole time. she thinks she is dating a mormon and i feel guilty for lying to her this whole time.
|
dating a mormon girl for the past year, without telling her i have secretly left the church (i used to be mormon)
|
[
"before i start writing how i fucked up, i just",
"want to let everyone know that just because i",
"consider myself ex-mormon, i do not hate mormons,",
"nor am i \"anti-mormon.\" i am not here to discuss",
"all the doctrinal issues of the church or why i",
"disbelieve in it anymore. i am just wanting to",
"share with you my situation and get some insight",
"into what my fellow redditors think about it.",
"first though, a bit of some background",
"information: my intentions were never to go out",
"and find a mormon girl to date, and keep it a",
"secret that i don't believe in the church",
"anymore. i consider myself a decent guy who tries",
"to be as open and honest about myself as",
"possible. however, the only thing that is keeping",
"my from doing that, is the fact that i am in a",
"situation right now that will not allow me to",
"tell my friends, family, and co-workers that i do",
"not believe in what they all believe. to grow up",
"in utah surrounded by mormons, and to have all",
"your family be mormon was very hard for me. i",
"stopped believing in the church when i was about",
"16, but because of societal pressures, i never",
"told anyone. i even served a 2 year mission in",
"europe preaching as a missionary (during these 2",
"years i tried really hard to convince myself the",
"the mormon church was true, but never really",
"could). some of you may ask, \"why didn't you just",
"not go on a mission and leave the church?\" i",
"couldn't do it. i'm sorry, i don't have the balls",
"a lot of you have.",
"this is what usually happens when someone leaves",
"the mormon church: friends who are lds either",
"usually stop talking to you, or they try to",
"convince you that what you did was wrong and try",
"really hard to get you back in the church.",
"leaders in the church will start visiting you to",
"see what went wrong and will also try to convince",
"you that what you did was wrong and try to get",
"you back to church. family members who are strong",
"in the church will either stop talking to you as",
"\"punishment\" or will try to convince you that",
"what you did was wrong and try to come back.",
"sometimes, some family members are really",
"understanding and don't really say anything and",
"accept you either way. in my case, i had an older",
"brother who left the church before he went to",
"college (i was still in middle school at the",
"time), and my parents kicked him out of the",
"house, refused to pay for any of his schooling,",
"stopped talking to him, and till this day they",
"haven't made any contact with him. i have talked",
"to him obviously, and he has since gone to an",
"amazing school, got an amazing job, got married",
"to an amazing girl and has a beautiful family. it",
"makes me sad to know my parents still refuse to",
"talk to him. they say he will figure it out",
"someday that the church is true and will come",
"back asking for forgiveness. i did not want this",
"to happen to me.",
"however, i am usually on the fence about this.",
"some days i feel like i just want to say fuck",
"everything and tell everyone i will leave the",
"church, regardless of the outcome, and start a",
"new life with new friends, and if my family",
"decides to abandon me, then at least i still have",
"my brother. other days, i feel like i could never",
"tell my parents. the pain i would go through just",
"seems unbearable.",
"anyway, back to the story of this girl. i didn't",
"plan to date a mormon girl this entire time. all",
"i wanted to do was to figure my shit out first,",
"focus on my career and move on with life without",
"getting distracted by dating. then one day, by",
"accident, i ran into this girl at the library and",
"noticed that she was there to return a book that",
"i was planning on picking up that day. so i asked",
"her about it, and then we started talking about",
"other things that we have in common. i",
"immediately became interested and wanted to talk",
"with her more and meet up with her again. so i",
"asked for her number and told her i'd call her",
"sometime. since many people in utah are mormon, i",
"kind-of to assume that she was since i didn't",
"really see any signs that she was not mormon (cup",
"of coffee in hand, more than one set of earrings,",
"etc), so i was a little wary at first.",
"i decided to give her a call about a week later,",
"and we went out for lunch. it turned out she had",
"served a mission, very active in the church, and",
"was looking to move out of utah soon and find a",
"job somewhere else. we talked about a lot of",
"things that i really enjoy talking about. as we",
"sat there talking and talking, i realized that",
"she was amazing. she was perfect. everything was",
"perfect except for the fact that she was a strong",
"believer of the church. i couldn't tell her i",
"don't believe anymore, so i told her i also had",
"served a mission. and during that lunch, all i",
"could think was, \"oh god, this girl is amazing.",
"she's beautiful, she's smart, she's witty, and",
"she has so many of the same interests as i do.\"",
"i left that lunch really happy. for the next week",
"i couldn't stop thinking about her. i had to see",
"her again. i called her once more, and we planned",
"to meet up so that we could make some food at my",
"place. and this happened over and over again,",
"until eventually we started dating exclusively.",
"the more i got to know her, the more i realized",
"how perfect she was for me except for that little",
"detail.",
"now, fast-forward a year till today. i look back,",
"and all i can think is, \"oh god, i really really",
"fucked up.\" i don't know what to do. i can't keep",
"my disbelief in the church a secret to her. i",
"can't tell her though. it would destroy her to",
"know that i have lied this whole time. and i feel",
"like this isn't even something i should lie",
"about! i have never cheated on her. i have never",
"even flirted with other girls this whole time. if",
"she found out, i don't know what she would do. i",
"am so close to her family as well, that her",
"family would be so dissapointed. she would also",
"probably want to tell my parents too, that i",
"lied, that i left the church and what not. the",
"risks i take in telling her are too great. and",
"now she is talking about wanting to get married.",
"i can't get married to her. how can i live the",
"rest of my life with someone from whom i have",
"kept a huge secret. this wasn't my plan. i look",
"back and i wonder that it probably would have",
"been so much better had i left utah, met a girl",
"who wasn't mormon, eventually tell my family that",
"i fell in love with someone not of the faith, and",
"maybe things would have turned out better.",
"but i feel it's too late. if i break up with her,",
"there will be a lot of pain for the both of us.",
"and what would i say if i broke up with her? i",
"can't tell her that i am breaking up with her",
"because of our differences in belief regarding",
"the mormon faith. like i said before, that will",
"not go well, and my relationship with my family",
"will get ruined. i know she will tell my family.",
"even if i asked her to keep it a secret, my",
"family will try to find out why we broke up. my",
"family loves her, so i can totally see them",
"calling her up and trying really hard to get",
"information out of her. some of you may be",
"wondering why i don't just tell her and see if",
"she accepts me the way i am? i know her too well",
"to think that she will be fine with that. as much",
"as she loves me, her ultimate goal is to get",
"married in the church, and if i can't take her to",
"the \"temple\" to get married, she would rather get",
"married to someone else.",
"my other option is to just keep it a secret the",
"rest of my life, get married to her, and just",
"stay happy. i figured that this life is so short,",
"that in the big scheme of things, all of this",
"won't matter. but at least i will be with her in",
"this life. my only problem with that, is what if",
"we have children? how am i going to feel okay",
"with raising my kids in a church that i don't",
"believe in?",
"i hope that some day she will come to the same",
"conclusions as me, and realize that the church",
"isn't true. if that happens, then i think i would",
"have found the most perfect girl in the world for",
"me. i would be so happy. but until that day, i",
"have really, really fucked up."
] |
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and find a mormon girl to date, and keep it a my disbelief in the church a secret to her. i know that i have lied this whole time. and i feel
|
3 | 1 | 0.67 | 3 |
so i have 2 dogs, one is normal and likes her ears rubbed and the other one is very curious and eats anything. now this curious dog has a habit of opening doors that aren't fully shut and by doing this she locks herself in. so today i didn't shut my door properly while i was out and about and i came home to her in my room with the bin on the floor. i immediately noticed the lack of cum stained tissues....she had eaten my cum the dirty bitch.
|
dog ate my cum.
|
leaving my bedroom door open
|
[
"so i have 2 dogs, one is normal and likes her ears",
"rubbed and the other one is very curious and eats",
"anything. now this curious dog has a habit of",
"opening doors that aren't fully shut and by doing",
"this she locks herself in. so today i didn't shut",
"my door properly while i was out and about and i",
"came home to her in my room with the bin on the",
"floor. i immediately noticed the lack of cum",
"stained tissues....she had eaten my cum the dirty",
"bitch."
] |
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stained tissues....she had eaten my cum the dirty
|
2 | 1 | 0.75 | 2 |
this fuck up was probably about a year ago, so i hope none of you mind.
picture this: a horny 16 year old boy (hard to picture right?) looking for new things to try. i was thinking up what i could try next that would possibly be the next best thing for the nether regions, going through idea after idea, when finally it hit me! i would try toothpaste as a lube because i thought it's consistency would make for an interesting feel. well being as horny as i was, i go right to my bathroom, grab the toothpaste, and bring it back to my room, not thinking twice about any negative side effects. now i'm sure you have all brushed your teeth then went to get something cold to drink and noticed the pain of the cold liquid in your mouth. yeah, that completely escaped my mind during this adventure. after returning to my bed, i open up the cap, and put a line of toothpaste on my erect sausage then proceed to do the deed. for about the first 30 seconds, it wasn't a half bad feeling. but then it set it. i could start to feel the pain of the cold air on my dick starting to burn. my first thought is "i'm sure it won't be too bad" and i continue to choke the chicken. oh boy was i wrong. after another 30 seconds i was running as gingerly as i could to my bathroom where i proceeded to furiously wipe the toothpaste off my still erect dick, but that isn't helping. my next bright idea, "i'll just turn the water on and wash it off. problem solved!" well, remember what i said about the cold liquid in your mouth and the burning sensation? yeah. the water didn't help. at this point i have no idea what to do, i can't wipe any more off, i can't rinse it off, and i can't really move much due to the cold air only making the feeling worse, so i decide to just sit down and cover my (still erect) penis to the best of my abilities in an attempt to keep the air off of it. i sat in my bathroom for the next 10 minutes holding my poor penis in agony. after the pain was gone, i returned to my bedroom, put my clothes back on, and promptly went to sleep.
|
tried beating the meat with toothpaste lube, burned like hell. 0/10. do not recommend.
|
trying a new lube
|
[
"this fuck up was probably about a year ago, so i",
"hope none of you mind.",
"picture this: a horny 16 year old boy (hard to",
"picture right?) looking for new things to try. i",
"was thinking up what i could try next that would",
"possibly be the next best thing for the nether",
"regions, going through idea after idea, when",
"finally it hit me! i would try toothpaste as a",
"lube because i thought it's consistency would",
"make for an interesting feel. well being as horny",
"as i was, i go right to my bathroom, grab the",
"toothpaste, and bring it back to my room, not",
"thinking twice about any negative side effects.",
"now i'm sure you have all brushed your teeth then",
"went to get something cold to drink and noticed",
"the pain of the cold liquid in your mouth. yeah,",
"that completely escaped my mind during this",
"adventure. after returning to my bed, i open up",
"the cap, and put a line of toothpaste on my erect",
"sausage then proceed to do the deed. for about",
"the first 30 seconds, it wasn't a half bad",
"feeling. but then it set it. i could start to",
"feel the pain of the cold air on my dick starting",
"to burn. my first thought is \"i'm sure it won't",
"be too bad\" and i continue to choke the chicken.",
"oh boy was i wrong. after another 30 seconds i",
"was running as gingerly as i could to my bathroom",
"where i proceeded to furiously wipe the",
"toothpaste off my still erect dick, but that",
"isn't helping. my next bright idea, \"i'll just",
"turn the water on and wash it off. problem",
"solved!\" well, remember what i said about the",
"cold liquid in your mouth and the burning",
"sensation? yeah. the water didn't help. at this",
"point i have no idea what to do, i can't wipe any",
"more off, i can't rinse it off, and i can't",
"really move much due to the cold air only making",
"the feeling worse, so i decide to just sit down",
"and cover my (still erect) penis to the best of",
"my abilities in an attempt to keep the air off of",
"it. i sat in my bathroom for the next 10 minutes",
"holding my poor penis in agony. after the pain",
"was gone, i returned to my bedroom, put my",
"clothes back on, and promptly went to sleep."
] |
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toothpaste, and bring it back to my room, not sausage then proceed to do the deed. for about
|
0 | 9 | 0.33 | 0 |
so it's saturday today, and i developed a habit of going back home after school and jerking it off every single weak.
this one wasn't different, yet.
i went back home today extra horny for some odd reason and i quickly rushed my steps and opened my pc while ignoring every other thing in my room.
i open my porn stach folder and i choose one of the weirdest videos i ever downloaded (i never watched it before , just downloaded it.)
and it appeared to be truley fucked up, yet i got aroused by it and jerked to it really hard + the sounds were weird aswell and the speakers were on full volume.
so while having fun jerking it off and hearing something among the lines of 'that's better than my sister!' i hear the voice of my mother coming from my bed saying 'i'm not cleaning that up later'
i completly froze and turned in horror to see her laying in my bed, gazing at me. i must of not seen her when i was too horny. i can never talk to my mother the same way now.
and just before you say it *i didn't see that coming*' ;)
|
came back home extra horney, jerked it off next to my mother by accident.
|
jerking it off in the wrong place. [nsfw]
|
[
"so it's saturday today, and i developed a habit of",
"going back home after school and jerking it off",
"every single weak.",
"this one wasn't different, yet.",
"i went back home today extra horny for some odd",
"reason and i quickly rushed my steps and opened",
"my pc while ignoring every other thing in my",
"room.",
"i open my porn stach folder and i choose one of",
"the weirdest videos i ever downloaded (i never",
"watched it before , just downloaded it.)",
"and it appeared to be truley fucked up, yet i got",
"aroused by it and jerked to it really hard + the",
"sounds were weird aswell and the speakers were on",
"full volume.",
"so while having fun jerking it off and hearing",
"something among the lines of 'that's better than",
"my sister!' i hear the voice of my mother coming",
"from my bed saying 'i'm not cleaning that up",
"later'",
"i completly froze and turned in horror to see her",
"laying in my bed, gazing at me. i must of not",
"seen her when i was too horny. i can never talk",
"to my mother the same way now.",
"and just before you say it *i didn't see that",
"coming*' ;)"
] |
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going back home after school and jerking it off to my mother the same way now.
|
2 | 0 | 1 | 2 |
i was very sick. the type of sick where you have a crazy high fever and you start to hear things sick.
this particular night i went up to my bed room around 7 o’clock, took some medicine and conked out.
normally, this would not be a big deal for most people, but most people don’t have my mom. she is what we call a worrier. (she makes me wear a helmet when i sled) (she also made me take home my mcdonalds and put it in the microwave and nuke it before i could eat it, but more about that another time)
so i am sleeping in my bed fading in and out of consciousness around 2 a.m., in my dark bedroom. when all of a sudden i see a figure appear in my doorway. my first thought is…
you are just hallucinating go back to sleep
so i fall back into a microsleep for another second. the next time i open my eyes though the figure is closer. this is when i start to get very concerned. the shadowy figure seemed to just be standing there not moving and in my drug and fever induced mind i now believe that my house has been broken into and that someone is trying to attack me in my sleep without waking me up!
luckily though i have prepared for this moment many times…
now i am not a violent man ( i have never even gotten into a fist fight) but sometimes i still think about how i would beat people up if i ever found myself being attacked.
one of these imagined fights, that i have played out in my head many a time, is in fact being attacked where i sleep.
so as i laid in bed i knew exactly what i had to do. my mental training was finally gonna pay off.
my thought process went something like this:
ok ok ok ok calm down you know what to do… first take in your surroundings ..ok you are under blankets which are gonna limit your mobility. that’s not good. you need the element of surprise and if you jump out of bed you will get tangled in the blankets and you won’t have a chance against this mystery intruder. dammit! ok ok ok ok i got it. i will wait here and pretend to sleep and when he gets close enough i will punch him in the face and catch him off guard.
the whole time i was making this plan my heart was beating faster and faster and i was trying not to move a muscle ( i couldn’t let him know i was one to him). the only problem was that even in this terrifying moment i still could not manage to stay awake and fell back into another micro sleep for a couple seconds, except the next time i woke up the mystery intruder was right over my face!!!!!!!!!!!(i am talking centimeters seperating my face with his face.)
so i panicked and instinct kicked in. that’s right mother frickin instinct.
in one crazy awesome movement i slapped the shit out of the intruder and jumped out of my sheets.
jump however does not accurately describe what i did, because it was more like what the ninjas do right before they deliver a flying jump kick to the face.
anyways it was all very graceful and in one second flat i had given the hardest slap of my life and was now crouching in attack position at the other end of my bed.
my heart was beating so hard and fast that i thought i might have a heart attack it might of just been the drugs, but i swear that sucker was like a drum.
in the dark no one moved and tension was high as i was now very much awake. i was instantly aware of everything i felt like i had heightened senses as my body prepared itself for fight or flight. i could taste the summer breeze and feel every thread of my 250 thread count sheets. i was ready for whatever this intruder was gonna throw my way.
the intruder was the first to break the silence and the conversation went something like this…
intruder: son…
me: wha…who?
intruder: it’s dad
me: i think i am having a heart attack…
dad turns on the lights
silence for about 30 seconds (also i am still in a crouching attack position)
dad/ intruder: i am going back to bed…
me: ok
the second i heard the word dad my body went limp and i grasped my heart as i realized how scared i was. i then instantly fell asleep too confused and filled with residual terror to even contemplate what had just occurred.
the next morning after i had time to recover i got the whole story.
it turns out my mom had gone to bed around 10 p.m. with my dad but woke up in the middle of the night and began to worry that i was not breathing because i was sick (like i said she is a worrier). my father, being the dutiful husband he is, agreed to go into my bedroom and listen to make sure i breathing ok. so he crept into my room as quietly and slowly as possible, inching closer to me until finally he put his ear right over my mouth and thats when i slapped the shit out of him.
|
was super sick and high on cold drugs, thought my dad was an intruder in my delirium and then slapped the shit out of him
|
slapping my dad in the face
|
[
"i was very sick. the type of sick where you have a",
"crazy high fever and you start to hear things",
"sick.",
"this particular night i went up to my bed room",
"around 7 o’clock, took some medicine and conked",
"out.",
"normally, this would not be a big deal for most",
"people, but most people don’t have my mom. she is",
"what we call a worrier. (she makes me wear a",
"helmet when i sled) (she also made me take home",
"my mcdonalds and put it in the microwave and nuke",
"it before i could eat it, but more about that",
"another time)",
"so i am sleeping in my bed fading in and out of",
"consciousness around 2 a.m., in my dark bedroom.",
"when all of a sudden i see a figure appear in my",
"doorway. my first thought is…",
"you are just hallucinating go back to sleep",
"so i fall back into a microsleep for another",
"second. the next time i open my eyes though the",
"figure is closer. this is when i start to get",
"very concerned. the shadowy figure seemed to just",
"be standing there not moving and in my drug and",
"fever induced mind i now believe that my house",
"has been broken into and that someone is trying",
"to attack me in my sleep without waking me up!",
"luckily though i have prepared for this moment",
"many times…",
"now i am not a violent man ( i have never even",
"gotten into a fist fight) but sometimes i still",
"think about how i would beat people up if i ever",
"found myself being attacked.",
"one of these imagined fights, that i have played",
"out in my head many a time, is in fact being",
"attacked where i sleep.",
"so as i laid in bed i knew exactly what i had to",
"do. my mental training was finally gonna pay off.",
"my thought process went something like this:",
"ok ok ok ok calm down you know what to do… first",
"take in your surroundings ..ok you are under",
"blankets which are gonna limit your mobility.",
"that’s not good. you need the element of surprise",
"and if you jump out of bed you will get tangled",
"in the blankets and you won’t have a chance",
"against this mystery intruder. dammit! ok ok ok",
"ok i got it. i will wait here and pretend to",
"sleep and when he gets close enough i will punch",
"him in the face and catch him off guard.",
"the whole time i was making this plan my heart",
"was beating faster and faster and i was trying",
"not to move a muscle ( i couldn’t let him know i",
"was one to him). the only problem was that even",
"in this terrifying moment i still could not",
"manage to stay awake and fell back into another",
"micro sleep for a couple seconds, except the next",
"time i woke up the mystery intruder was right",
"over my face!!!!!!!!!!!(i am talking centimeters",
"seperating my face with his face.)",
"so i panicked and instinct kicked in. that’s",
"right mother frickin instinct.",
"in one crazy awesome movement i slapped the shit",
"out of the intruder and jumped out of my sheets.",
"jump however does not accurately describe what i",
"did, because it was more like what the ninjas do",
"right before they deliver a flying jump kick to",
"the face.",
"anyways it was all very graceful and in one",
"second flat i had given the hardest slap of my",
"life and was now crouching in attack position at",
"the other end of my bed.",
"my heart was beating so hard and fast that i",
"thought i might have a heart attack it might of",
"just been the drugs, but i swear that sucker was",
"like a drum.",
"in the dark no one moved and tension was high as",
"i was now very much awake. i was instantly aware",
"of everything i felt like i had heightened senses",
"as my body prepared itself for fight or flight. i",
"could taste the summer breeze and feel every",
"thread of my 250 thread count sheets. i was ready",
"for whatever this intruder was gonna throw my",
"way.",
"the intruder was the first to break the silence",
"and the conversation went something like this…",
"intruder: son…\nme: wha…who?\nintruder: it’s dad",
"me: i think i am having a heart attack…",
"dad turns on the lights",
"silence for about 30 seconds (also i am still in",
"a crouching attack position)",
"dad/ intruder: i am going back to bed…\nme: ok",
"the second i heard the word dad my body went limp",
"and i grasped my heart as i realized how scared i",
"was. i then instantly fell asleep too confused",
"and filled with residual terror to even",
"contemplate what had just occurred.",
"the next morning after i had time to recover i",
"got the whole story.",
"it turns out my mom had gone to bed around 10",
"p.m. with my dad but woke up in the middle of the",
"night and began to worry that i was not breathing",
"because i was sick (like i said she is a",
"worrier). my father, being the dutiful husband he",
"is, agreed to go into my bedroom and listen to",
"make sure i breathing ok. so he crept into my",
"room as quietly and slowly as possible, inching",
"closer to me until finally he put his ear right",
"over my mouth and thats when i slapped the shit",
"out of him."
] |
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sick. over my mouth and thats when i slapped the shit out of him.
|
3,902 | 558 | 0.8 | 3,902 |
this happened some years ago, but i did not know about reddit back
then... so here you go:
i was in a very nice relationship with this girl, les. we were young, happy, and horny. both of us were virgins at that time; the idea of losing it together was viable.
during the time we were together, i spent a month abroad traveling with my family, while she stayed home. of course, all that time away from each other made us much hornier that usual, so when we saw each other again, the temperature rose quickly. i usually went to her house, which had a very nice living room where we spent the afternoon doing young couple's stuff.
the day i came back, i went straight to hers. the urge to see her was uncontrollable. as i said before, the accumulated horniness of a month created an environment full of lust. we agreed on having sex after the adults of the house left.
the grown-ups had left, the house was empty for us to use; the foreplay started. in the midst of the action, she decided to get some water ready (who knows, maybe we will get thirsty, we did not know what was going to happen during sex) and went to the kitchen. i followed les to the kitchen. she sat on the counter while i was pouring some glasses of water, and when i finished, i approached her to make out. suddenly, les's grandfather entered the kitchen and saw us in an intense kissing position; disaster followed (the house was supposed to be empty!). as the grandfather stared at us angrily, both us were looking at him with a "ñiomygawd" face. she immediately noticed my boner almost ripping my jeans and tried to cover it (while i was completely frozen and going pale), which made him even angrier.
the grandfather started raging, exited the kitchen, and went to his library. les followed him while i stood pale and motionless. i thought: "of all the people, why him?"; "oh shit! oh shit! oh shit"; "what's going to happen next?". after a while, her mother came home. we tried to explain we were just kissing, but the grandfather said he saw something else -boner detected-. while trying to get our stories straight, i noticed my girlfriend growing a bit pale. at first i thought nothing of it since, hey, my penis can only get so erect - and let me tell you, it was that erect, in front of her grandfather and mother no less. then without any warning, or even a courtesy "hey man, i'm out" les passed out. at this point i'm thinking, bitch is dead, my boner just murdered its first victim. turns out she just couldn't handle the stress. i subsequently received one more "i'm going to kill you" stare from her grandfather before he left the room.
a couple of minutes later, i called my parents, went home, and talked to les about what was going to happen. she broke up with me and stopped talking to me. for me, this was emotionally heavy, since i really liked our relationship and i was not expecting that to happen. of course, i became morose... i was just a young adolescent which had a nice relationship and it all went to hell because of being so horny... hormones i concluded that my boner was too powerful for her or her family to handle.
in the following weeks, i tried to contact les in order to fix what had happened. i tried setting up a meeting so we could deal with the situation, but there were excuses all the time; lies. her mother would even lie to my mother, saying that "les was grounded" and "couldn't go out of the house unless it was going to school". i found out that the source of these lies was that she was dating another guy while i was completely emotionally destroyed... apparently, she met her new boyfriend during the month i was abroad, and their relationship started a couple of weeks before she broke up with me. my friends saw her at the movies with the new guy on a day that i was told: "les is still grounded".
it took me a long time to get over it and it also scarred me for life. the fear of "being caught" is unbearable sometimes, and has brought me problems with my following relationships. i have learned to tame my boners for fear of any more needless carnage.
**edit** narration by [cyae1](http://www.reddit.com/user/cyae1): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brvfahqugyc. thanks!
**dramatic recreation** (nsfw) https://www.youtube.com/watch?x-yt-ts=1421914688&v=7g46ymyqjby&x-yt-cl=84503534. thanks: [hiyami](http://www.reddit.com/user/hiyami)
**edit** thanks for the gold!
|
massive boner wreaking havoc on my girlfriends family cost me a relationship and scarred me for life**
|
i tried to lose my virginity nsfw
|
[
"this happened some years ago, but i did not know",
"about reddit back",
"then... so here you go:",
"i was in a very nice relationship with this girl,",
"les. we were young, happy, and horny. both of us",
"were virgins at that time; the idea of losing it",
"together was viable.",
"during the time we were together, i spent a month",
"abroad traveling with my family, while she stayed",
"home. of course, all that time away from each",
"other made us much hornier that usual, so when we",
"saw each other again, the temperature rose",
"quickly. i usually went to her house, which had a",
"very nice living room where we spent the",
"afternoon doing young couple's stuff.",
"the day i came back, i went straight to hers. the",
"urge to see her was uncontrollable. as i said",
"before, the accumulated horniness of a month",
"created an environment full of lust. we agreed on",
"having sex after the adults of the house left.",
"the grown-ups had left, the house was empty for",
"us to use; the foreplay started. in the midst of",
"the action, she decided to get some water ready",
"(who knows, maybe we will get thirsty, we did not",
"know what was going to happen during sex) and",
"went to the kitchen. i followed les to the",
"kitchen. she sat on the counter while i was",
"pouring some glasses of water, and when i",
"finished, i approached her to make out. suddenly,",
"les's grandfather entered the kitchen and saw us",
"in an intense kissing position; disaster followed",
"(the house was supposed to be empty!). as the",
"grandfather stared at us angrily, both us were",
"looking at him with a \"ñiomygawd\" face. she",
"immediately noticed my boner almost ripping my",
"jeans and tried to cover it (while i was",
"completely frozen and going pale), which made him",
"even angrier.",
"the grandfather started raging, exited the",
"kitchen, and went to his library. les followed",
"him while i stood pale and motionless. i thought:",
"\"of all the people, why him?\"; \"oh shit! oh shit!",
"oh shit\"; \"what's going to happen next?\". after a",
"while, her mother came home. we tried to explain",
"we were just kissing, but the grandfather said he",
"saw something else -boner detected-. while trying",
"to get our stories straight, i noticed my",
"girlfriend growing a bit pale. at first i thought",
"nothing of it since, hey, my penis can only get",
"so erect - and let me tell you, it was that",
"erect, in front of her grandfather and mother no",
"less. then without any warning, or even a",
"courtesy \"hey man, i'm out\" les passed out. at",
"this point i'm thinking, bitch is dead, my boner",
"just murdered its first victim. turns out she",
"just couldn't handle the stress. i subsequently",
"received one more \"i'm going to kill you\" stare",
"from her grandfather before he left the room.",
"a couple of minutes later, i called my parents,",
"went home, and talked to les about what was going",
"to happen. she broke up with me and stopped",
"talking to me. for me, this was emotionally",
"heavy, since i really liked our relationship and",
"i was not expecting that to happen. of course, i",
"became morose... i was just a young adolescent",
"which had a nice relationship and it all went to",
"hell because of being so horny... hormones i",
"concluded that my boner was too powerful for her",
"or her family to handle.",
"in the following weeks, i tried to contact les in",
"order to fix what had happened. i tried setting",
"up a meeting so we could deal with the situation,",
"but there were excuses all the time; lies. her",
"mother would even lie to my mother, saying that",
"\"les was grounded\" and \"couldn't go out of the",
"house unless it was going to school\". i found out",
"that the source of these lies was that she was",
"dating another guy while i was completely",
"emotionally destroyed... apparently, she met her",
"new boyfriend during the month i was abroad, and",
"their relationship started a couple of weeks",
"before she broke up with me. my friends saw her",
"at the movies with the new guy on a day that i",
"was told: \"les is still grounded\".",
"it took me a long time to get over it and it also",
"scarred me for life. the fear of \"being caught\"",
"is unbearable sometimes, and has brought me",
"problems with my following relationships. i have",
"learned to tame my boners for fear of any more",
"needless carnage.",
"**edit** narration by",
"[cyae1](http://www.reddit.com/user/cyae1):",
"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brvfahqugyc.",
"thanks!",
"**dramatic recreation** (nsfw)",
"https://www.youtube.com/watch?x-yt-ts=1421914688&",
"v=7g46ymyqjby&x-yt-cl=84503534.",
"thanks:",
"[hiyami](http://www.reddit.com/user/hiyami)",
"**edit** thanks for the gold!"
] |
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immediately noticed my boner almost ripping my which had a nice relationship and it all went to scarred me for life. the fear of "being caught"
|
2 | 3 | 0.5 | 2 |
i have been a lurker for the longest time, and recently my friend reminded me of a fu i had not to long ago.
for some background context i am 18m and and i am black/hispanic but i am a very derpy person. my gf has been moving from place to place recently and the place she is at now is full on ghetto town. this will be important later on
so i just dropped my gf at her house and as im backing out i see this black guy who is wearing all blue and is wearing a mask, who i can safely assume was a crib gang member. he is limping towards my car holding his stomach like he has been shot or stabbed.
fucking adrenalin started coursing through my veins and my face was similar to this http://i.imgur.com/9unffh5.gif i am hyperventilating and shit trying to act normal. i thought this guy was either hurt really bad and was trying to get my help or he was faking it and he was going to pull out a gun and light my ass up.
at this point he is about 3/4 the way to my car and idk wtf to do. i came so close to flooring it to run this mofo over, but being the lil bitch i am i just drove past him slow af. i was pretty confident i was going to die. needless to say once i turned the corner i fucking noped out of there.
|
went to the ghetto almost got rekt m8, ,but seriously though i get scared every time i go there ):
|
dropping my girlfriend off at home
|
[
"i have been a lurker for the longest time, and",
"recently my friend reminded me of a fu i had not",
"to long ago.",
"for some background context i am 18m and and i am",
"black/hispanic but i am a very derpy person. my",
"gf has been moving from place to place recently",
"and the place she is at now is full on ghetto",
"town. this will be important later on",
"so i just dropped my gf at her house and as im",
"backing out i see this black guy who is wearing",
"all blue and is wearing a mask, who i can safely",
"assume was a crib gang member. he is limping",
"towards my car holding his stomach like he has",
"been shot or stabbed.",
"fucking adrenalin started coursing through my",
"veins and my face was similar to this",
"http://i.imgur.com/9unffh5.gif i am",
"hyperventilating and shit trying to act normal. i",
"thought this guy was either hurt really bad and",
"was trying to get my help or he was faking it and",
"he was going to pull out a gun and light my ass",
"up.",
"at this point he is about 3/4 the way to my car",
"and idk wtf to do. i came so close to flooring it",
"to run this mofo over, but being the lil bitch i",
"am i just drove past him slow af. i was pretty",
"confident i was going to die. needless to say",
"once i turned the corner i fucking noped out of",
"there."
] |
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to run this mofo over, but being the lil bitch i there.
|
1 | 0 | 1 | 1 |
this did not happen recently. this happened in the summer of 2000. in early august of 2000, i was washing clothes at a laundromat and left to run errands. i returned to discover someone had knocked over my liquid detergent into my already finished washing machine. being cheap, i figured it wouldn't be that big of a deal.
fast forward to august 26, 2000. i took a trip to see friends in hershey and decided to go to hershey park. we had a great day and wanted to top off the evening with the water rides. i badgered one of my friends mercilessly to go on one with us and she relented. she got drenched while only my lap got wet. she was none to happy. as we ran to the next one, i felt my legs becoming greasy. i attributed it to the typical water they use in these type of rides. as i stood in line, one guy not with us looked at me, pointed to my legs, and exclaimed "what the hell is on your legs?" i look down and my legs are covered in white, soapy, bubbles. i inspect further and realize that it is soap. i had worn shorts that were full of inactivated laundry soap! the water on the next ride just made it worse. and of course the faster i tried to walk, the more it agitated the soap and more poured out of my shorts.
so there i was. doing a walk of shame through hershey park with soap suds pouring out of my legs, leaving little snail trails behind me. plus, the girl who got drenched was so overjoyed by this, she was bringing random strangers up to me yelling "look at his legs!" the kicker is that the parking lot was full of drunk people due to the live show that night at hershey stadium. they had a field day with this too. i kept a brave face and just accepted all the derisive chants of "sudsy! sudsy!", "a little too excited there buddy?", "i pity your girlfriend", and so on. it was the most embarrassing 30 minutes of my life.
|
accidentally wore shorts full of laundry soap on water ride, i was a mini washing machine in middle of park.
|
not rewashing clothes.
|
[
"this did not happen recently. this happened in",
"the summer of 2000. in early august of 2000, i",
"was washing clothes at a laundromat and left to",
"run errands. i returned to discover someone had",
"knocked over my liquid detergent into my already",
"finished washing machine. being cheap, i figured",
"it wouldn't be that big of a deal.",
"fast forward to august 26, 2000. i took a trip",
"to see friends in hershey and decided to go to",
"hershey park. we had a great day and wanted to",
"top off the evening with the water rides. i",
"badgered one of my friends mercilessly to go on",
"one with us and she relented. she got drenched",
"while only my lap got wet. she was none to",
"happy. as we ran to the next one, i felt my legs",
"becoming greasy. i attributed it to the typical",
"water they use in these type of rides. as i",
"stood in line, one guy not with us looked at me,",
"pointed to my legs, and exclaimed \"what the hell",
"is on your legs?\" i look down and my legs are",
"covered in white, soapy, bubbles. i inspect",
"further and realize that it is soap. i had worn",
"shorts that were full of inactivated laundry",
"soap! the water on the next ride just made it",
"worse. and of course the faster i tried to",
"walk, the more it agitated the soap and more",
"poured out of my shorts.",
"so there i was. doing a walk of shame through",
"hershey park with soap suds pouring out of my",
"legs, leaving little snail trails behind me.",
"plus, the girl who got drenched was so overjoyed",
"by this, she was bringing random strangers up to",
"me yelling \"look at his legs!\" the kicker is",
"that the parking lot was full of drunk people due",
"to the live show that night at hershey stadium.",
"they had a field day with this too. i kept a",
"brave face and just accepted all the derisive",
"chants of \"sudsy! sudsy!\", \"a little too excited",
"there buddy?\", \"i pity your girlfriend\", and so",
"on. it was the most embarrassing 30 minutes of",
"my life."
] |
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finished washing machine. being cheap, i figured shorts that were full of inactivated laundry soap! the water on the next ride just made it
|
114 | 44 | 0.88 | 114 |
like many others this happened a few years ago. i let my so in on my story of forbidden shame last night now i'm sharing it with the world.
i had just turned 18 a few months ago and had gotten the dreaded jury duty letter. i was at that stage in my life between high school and starting college. my days mostly consisted of sleeping in until about 2 pm, rolling out of bed, tossing on whatever slim pickings of clean clothes were closest to me and generally doing jack shit every day. because of aforementioned facts i wasn't particularly thrilled about having to get dressed up and wake up at the ass crack of dawn to fight through morning traffic.
finally the day of jury duty came. i woke up a little early and actually attempted to put myself together. i did my makeup, straightened my hair, put on my new pair of white pants i had bought special for the day and threw on my favorite pair of heels. i did a little twirl in front of the mirror and took a moment to admire how grown up i actually looked. now here's the point where the fuck up starts to happen. a little voice clicks inside of my head and says "well since you're so grown up now you should make some coffee because that's totally what adults do" having never drank coffee a day in my life before this i thought what harm could it possibly do? fortunately for me my mom always left some extra coffee in the pot. i poured myself a big cup in a to-go mug and strutted out the door.
after sitting in traffic for about an hour and casually sipping my coffee i made it downtown. as i pulled in to a parking garage i felt a foreign rumbling in my tummy unlike anything i had ever felt before in my life. as i'm looking for a spot i'm trying to recall what i ate the night before. after going up a few rows and starting to get really uncomfortable cramps i finally find a spot. i park and take another sip of my coffee and that’s when the deja vu hits me. my dad during his morning ritual - sitting at the kitchen table, reading the morning paper and drinking coffee out of his mug with the big bold lettering - coffee makes me poop. i always thought it was just a funny quote but now i'm starting to wonder if there’s any truth to it. regardless i think, by this point it's now my life mission to find the closest bathroom.
i lock my doors and quickly bolt to the elevator. i hurriedly tap the down button while clenching my butt cheeks together as sweat starts to gather on my brow. i make it to the restrooms just as i notice a giant out of order sign. "fuck it, i'm going in anyways" i thought. i pull the handle but it won’t budge. i pull harder, nope locked. at this point i start to freak out. i nervously dart my eyes around and try to plan my route of escape. the closest public place with a rest room is at least a couple blocks away. fuck i'll never make it.
at this point i knew i couldn't hold it any longer and knew i had to find my most dignified option at this point. i muster up all the strength i have and somehow manage to make my way back up the elevator and waddle to my car in defeat. i sit down in the driver seat just as the flood gates open and poopocalypse begins. i poop so hard i swear i begin to transcend space and time. after what felt like hours of covering myself, new white pants included, and my car in ass vomit it finally ends. i pull my pants off, grab a spare towel in my backseat and clean myself and my car as well as i can for the time being. as i pull out of the parking garage and start my journey back home i think to myself "well here's to hoping the government sees pooping yourself as a valid excuse to miss jury duty."
|
got called in to jury duty, drank coffee for the first time, shit myself in the parking lot.
|
drinking coffee for the first time.
|
[
"like many others this happened a few years ago. i",
"let my so in on my story of forbidden shame last",
"night now i'm sharing it with the world.",
"i had just turned 18 a few months ago and had",
"gotten the dreaded jury duty letter. i was at",
"that stage in my life between high school and",
"starting college. my days mostly consisted of",
"sleeping in until about 2 pm, rolling out of bed,",
"tossing on whatever slim pickings of clean",
"clothes were closest to me and generally doing",
"jack shit every day. because of aforementioned",
"facts i wasn't particularly thrilled about having",
"to get dressed up and wake up at the ass crack of",
"dawn to fight through morning traffic.",
"finally the day of jury duty came. i woke up a",
"little early and actually attempted to put myself",
"together. i did my makeup, straightened my hair,",
"put on my new pair of white pants i had bought",
"special for the day and threw on my favorite pair",
"of heels. i did a little twirl in front of the",
"mirror and took a moment to admire how grown up i",
"actually looked. now here's the point where the",
"fuck up starts to happen. a little voice clicks",
"inside of my head and says \"well since you're so",
"grown up now you should make some coffee because",
"that's totally what adults do\" having never drank",
"coffee a day in my life before this i thought",
"what harm could it possibly do? fortunately for",
"me my mom always left some extra coffee in the",
"pot. i poured myself a big cup in a to-go mug and",
"strutted out the door.",
"after sitting in traffic for about an hour and",
"casually sipping my coffee i made it downtown. as",
"i pulled in to a parking garage i felt a foreign",
"rumbling in my tummy unlike anything i had ever",
"felt before in my life. as i'm looking for a spot",
"i'm trying to recall what i ate the night before.",
"after going up a few rows and starting to get",
"really uncomfortable cramps i finally find a",
"spot. i park and take another sip of my coffee",
"and that’s when the deja vu hits me. my dad",
"during his morning ritual - sitting at the",
"kitchen table, reading the morning paper and",
"drinking coffee out of his mug with the big bold",
"lettering - coffee makes me poop. i always",
"thought it was just a funny quote but now i'm",
"starting to wonder if there’s any truth to it.",
"regardless i think, by this point it's now my",
"life mission to find the closest bathroom.",
"i lock my doors and quickly bolt to the elevator.",
"i hurriedly tap the down button while clenching",
"my butt cheeks together as sweat starts to gather",
"on my brow. i make it to the restrooms just as i",
"notice a giant out of order sign. \"fuck it, i'm",
"going in anyways\" i thought. i pull the handle",
"but it won’t budge. i pull harder, nope locked.",
"at this point i start to freak out. i nervously",
"dart my eyes around and try to plan my route of",
"escape. the closest public place with a rest room",
"is at least a couple blocks away. fuck i'll never",
"make it.",
"at this point i knew i couldn't hold it any",
"longer and knew i had to find my most dignified",
"option at this point. i muster up all the",
"strength i have and somehow manage to make my way",
"back up the elevator and waddle to my car in",
"defeat. i sit down in the driver seat just as the",
"flood gates open and poopocalypse begins. i poop",
"so hard i swear i begin to transcend space and",
"time. after what felt like hours of covering",
"myself, new white pants included, and my car in",
"ass vomit it finally ends. i pull my pants off,",
"grab a spare towel in my backseat and clean",
"myself and my car as well as i can for the time",
"being. as i pull out of the parking garage and",
"start my journey back home i think to myself",
"\"well here's to hoping the government sees",
"pooping yourself as a valid excuse to miss jury",
"duty.\""
] |
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i pulled in to a parking garage i felt a foreign myself and my car as well as i can for the time
|
1,141 | 136 | 0.96 | 1,141 |
well. i have a dog and when we got our new security system we had an extra camera so we put it inside so we could have fun and see what our crazy dog does all day. this can be monitored online or from an app.
anyway, my wife and co workers were excited to watch the dog and see what he does, as we've come home to him having built a fort of sorts out of couch pillows and a couple if light blankets we have on the couches.
today i decided to have some alone time during lunch as i have many times before. after the deed was done i checked my phone and saw a text from my wife. being the first day the cameras were on, her and a few employees were excited to see the dog and gathered as she logged in during their lunch.
well, they logged into a live feed of me jerking it on the couch... she said she closed it as fast as possible and said nothing. people just walked away and no one has said a word. i feel a little bad for her.
edit: this post was removed wednesday for sexual nature. just posted to fix another typo
|
got caught jerking off live on camera by my wife and her co workers.
|
forgetting about our new security cameras we put inside the house to watch our dog with remote viewing. i come home for lunch.
|
[
"well. i have a dog and when we got our new",
"security system we had an extra camera so we put",
"it inside so we could have fun and see what our",
"crazy dog does all day. this can be monitored",
"online or from an app.",
"anyway, my wife and co workers were excited to",
"watch the dog and see what he does, as we've come",
"home to him having built a fort of sorts out of",
"couch pillows and a couple if light blankets we",
"have on the couches.",
"today i decided to have some alone time during",
"lunch as i have many times before. after the deed",
"was done i checked my phone and saw a text from",
"my wife. being the first day the cameras were on,",
"her and a few employees were excited to see the",
"dog and gathered as she logged in during their",
"lunch.",
"well, they logged into a live feed of me jerking",
"it on the couch... she said she closed it as fast",
"as possible and said nothing. people just walked",
"away and no one has said a word. i feel a little",
"bad for her.",
"edit: this post was removed wednesday for sexual",
"nature. just posted to fix another typo"
] |
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anyway, my wife and co workers were excited to bad for her.
|
23 | 24 | 0.79 | 23 |
back in september i took in a stray kitten. she's now five months old, and i figured it was time to get her vaccinated. since she possesses claws of death, i figured i'd give 'em a trim before looking like a negligent asshole in front of my local vet.
soooo, i picked up the cat and plunked her on the kitchen table, then started giving her heavy pets to calm her. she mrowed weirdly in response, and i ignored her, picked up a paw, and watched her squirm away before i could get the trimmer near her claws.
from the far end of the table she mrowed again and started moving around in a goofy half-crouch, like she couldn't stand up properly. weirded out, i picked her up, sat her back down, and hoped she'd shake it off. instead, more weirdly pained mrowing and crouch-walking. she looked, for all the world, like i'd fucked up her legs.
so, panic time. i've injured my little cat bud, who's walking around like she's either hurt or constipated. i see something shiny on her rear end, and thinking she's trying to shit out some plastic, i grab my mag-lite and take a look. the shiny thing disappears as she skitters away, still walking fucked-uppedly.
i don't know what the fuck is wrong, never having had a cat before. panic escalates, i've hurt my cat, so i call the vet.
me: 'uh, hi, this is bobby_orr's_knees. i have an appointment tomorrow to get my cat vaccinated, but she's acting weird so i was hoping to get her looked at today.'
receptionist: 'what's she doing?'
me: 'well, i was trying to trim her claws, and now she's walking around with her butt in the air and mrowing a lot.'
receptionist: 'she's in heat.'
the shiny liquid coming out of her not-butt suddenly makes sense.
me: 'uh. oh. is there anything i need to, uh, know?'
*edit 1: changed but to butt. not lazy after all.
*edit 2: added obligatory [cat pic](http://imgur.com/xre0leb).
|
tried to trim my cat's nails and turned her on instead. wound up sounding like a clueless dad while talking to the vet's office, and made an appointment to get her vaccinated and spayed.
|
being an acceptable mate... to my cat
|
[
"back in september i took in a stray kitten. she's",
"now five months old, and i figured it was time to",
"get her vaccinated. since she possesses claws of",
"death, i figured i'd give 'em a trim before",
"looking like a negligent asshole in front of my",
"local vet.",
"soooo, i picked up the cat and plunked her on the",
"kitchen table, then started giving her heavy pets",
"to calm her. she mrowed weirdly in response, and",
"i ignored her, picked up a paw, and watched her",
"squirm away before i could get the trimmer near",
"her claws.",
"from the far end of the table she mrowed again",
"and started moving around in a goofy half-crouch,",
"like she couldn't stand up properly. weirded out,",
"i picked her up, sat her back down, and hoped",
"she'd shake it off. instead, more weirdly pained",
"mrowing and crouch-walking. she looked, for all",
"the world, like i'd fucked up her legs.",
"so, panic time. i've injured my little cat bud,",
"who's walking around like she's either hurt or",
"constipated. i see something shiny on her rear",
"end, and thinking she's trying to shit out some",
"plastic, i grab my mag-lite and take a look. the",
"shiny thing disappears as she skitters away,",
"still walking fucked-uppedly.",
"i don't know what the fuck is wrong, never having",
"had a cat before. panic escalates, i've hurt my",
"cat, so i call the vet.",
"me: 'uh, hi, this is bobby_orr's_knees. i have",
"an appointment tomorrow to get my cat vaccinated,",
"but she's acting weird so i was hoping to get her",
"looked at today.'",
"receptionist: 'what's she doing?'",
"me: 'well, i was trying to trim her claws, and",
"now she's walking around with her butt in the air",
"and mrowing a lot.'",
"receptionist: 'she's in heat.'",
"the shiny liquid coming out of her not-butt",
"suddenly makes sense.",
"me: 'uh. oh. is there anything i need to, uh,",
"know?'",
"*edit 1: changed but to butt. not lazy after all.",
"*edit 2: added obligatory [cat",
"pic](http://imgur.com/xre0leb)."
] |
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get her vaccinated. since she possesses claws of looking like a negligent asshole in front of my soooo, i picked up the cat and plunked her on the an appointment tomorrow to get my cat vaccinated,
|
14 | 2 | 0.79 | 14 |
so i will start off by saying i am pregnant and get nauseous very easily. i had just indulged in a delicious arby's beef and cheddar when i walked into my house. i immediately smelt it, dog poop. my dog currently has two broken legs and has to stay in a play pen at almost all times. so i line his pen with pee pads for when he has to go. i could see that there were multiple turds in the pen and was not looking forward to cleaning it up. i decided since the smell of his poop was so bad that i should tie a scarf around the bottom half of my face to prevent the smell from getting to me to badly. i opened the top the pen and the smell hit me like a ton of bricks. and that is when i threw up, with the scarf still wrapped around my mouth and nose. needless to say it backfired. i had a vomit rag literally tied to my face. i also got a fair share of puke on my poor dog.
|
tied a scarf around my face to prevent me from smelling dog shit ended up turning into a barrier trapping me in my own beef and cheddar vomit.
|
trying not to smell my dogs poop.
|
[
"so i will start off by saying i am pregnant and",
"get nauseous very easily. i had just indulged in",
"a delicious arby's beef and cheddar when i walked",
"into my house. i immediately smelt it, dog poop.",
"my dog currently has two broken legs and has to",
"stay in a play pen at almost all times. so i line",
"his pen with pee pads for when he has to go. i",
"could see that there were multiple turds in the",
"pen and was not looking forward to cleaning it",
"up. i decided since the smell of his poop was so",
"bad that i should tie a scarf around the bottom",
"half of my face to prevent the smell from getting",
"to me to badly. i opened the top the pen and the",
"smell hit me like a ton of bricks. and that is",
"when i threw up, with the scarf still wrapped",
"around my mouth and nose. needless to say it",
"backfired. i had a vomit rag literally tied to my",
"face. i also got a fair share of puke on my poor",
"dog."
] |
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] |
a delicious arby's beef and cheddar when i walked bad that i should tie a scarf around the bottom half of my face to prevent the smell from getting
|
4 | 12 | 0.63 | 4 |
so this happened a couple of days ago while camping.
my best friend (let's call her d) and i have been quite close over the past 4 years and while camping with her and her family, i finally broke out of the friendzone. the thing is that the tent we were in not only had us in it - her brother was in there too (let's call him j).
j had been a bit sick lately with a head cold and slept most of that day and went to bed early so we thought we were pretty safe when things kicked off. we kept quiet anyway because of other tents around us as well as not wanting to wake her brother. about an hour passes and we hear a bit of movement and just freeze. j ends up going to the bathroom for a bit so as and i continue. we hear j coming back after a while, we stop for a bit until we hear snores then continue. we think had gotten away with it.
the next day we go out for a family activity and when j got a moment alone with d, he asked her if had we actually fucked right next to him the night before. d gets all flustered and just said that we were kissing which he then replied with "then what about the moans i heard you make?". d kept to her story and said i was a good kisser and to forget everything. d tells me everything promptly after finding out herself so if i was asked anything to stick to her story. turns out that j had been awake for roughly 45 minutes before he had left the tent to go to the bathroom and obviously knows what actually happened - he's not an idiot.
|
broke out of the friendzone while camping, didn't realize her brother was awake and aware of what was happening right beside him.
|
finally breaking out of the friendzone
|
[
"so this happened a couple of days ago while",
"camping.",
"my best friend (let's call her d) and i have been",
"quite close over the past 4 years and while",
"camping with her and her family, i finally broke",
"out of the friendzone. the thing is that the tent",
"we were in not only had us in it - her brother",
"was in there too (let's call him j).",
"j had been a bit sick lately with a head cold and",
"slept most of that day and went to bed early so",
"we thought we were pretty safe when things kicked",
"off. we kept quiet anyway because of other tents",
"around us as well as not wanting to wake her",
"brother. about an hour passes and we hear a bit",
"of movement and just freeze. j ends up going to",
"the bathroom for a bit so as and i continue. we",
"hear j coming back after a while, we stop for a",
"bit until we hear snores then continue. we think",
"had gotten away with it.",
"the next day we go out for a family activity and",
"when j got a moment alone with d, he asked her if",
"had we actually fucked right next to him the",
"night before. d gets all flustered and just said",
"that we were kissing which he then replied with",
"\"then what about the moans i heard you make?\". d",
"kept to her story and said i was a good kisser",
"and to forget everything. d tells me everything",
"promptly after finding out herself so if i was",
"asked anything to stick to her story. turns out",
"that j had been awake for roughly 45 minutes",
"before he had left the tent to go to the bathroom",
"and obviously knows what actually happened - he's",
"not an idiot."
] |
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camping with her and her family, i finally broke out of the friendzone. the thing is that the tent
|
2 | 4 | 0.67 | 2 |
last night i was messing around with linux on a dual boot(two operating systems on one computer) when i started getting tired, so shut down my computer, took a shower, and went to bed. i managed to fall asleep relatively quickly, and by 1:45 am was sleeping like a baby.
now, i use my computer as an alarm to wake me up every morning at 7:30am. it boots up, opens reddit for my morning browse, and then starts playing an assortment of songs loudly over speakers. and this morning was no different. as soon as the clock hit 7:30, i awoke to the sound of final fantasy victory fanfare. i was a little more tired than usual, and had a headache, so i took a couple excedrin from a bottle i keep in my nightstand, then headed to the bathroom to empty the ol' loch ness monster.
after i finished my business, i tarted walking back to my bedroom to change and noticed the clock in the kitchen read 2:38. and then i noticed it was a little to dark to be 7:30. and then i got my phone of my nightstand, unlocking it to find the numbers 2:39 shining in my barely awake eyes. turning to my computer to see what happened, i saw that for some reason, its clock was 5 hours ahead of everybody in my timezone. a little confused, i fixed the clock and shut it down so it could awaken me again at the real 7:30 , then got back under the covers to go back to sleep.
fun fact about excedrin, it contains 65 milligrams of caffeine per pill. i took 2, which amounts to about 12oz of coffee. it took me about 20 minutes or so of trying in vain to fall asleep to realize this. so now i am operating on one hour of sleep until tonight.
i am still not entirely sure why my computer's clock changed. i think maybe i accidentally changed the clock or something when i was dicking around on linux.
|
effectively consumed a cup and a half of coffee an hour after i had gone to bed
|
taking otc pain medication
|
[
"last night i was messing around with linux on a",
"dual boot(two operating systems on one computer)",
"when i started getting tired, so shut down my",
"computer, took a shower, and went to bed. i",
"managed to fall asleep relatively quickly, and by",
"1:45 am was sleeping like a baby.",
"now, i use my computer as an alarm to wake me up",
"every morning at 7:30am. it boots up, opens",
"reddit for my morning browse, and then starts",
"playing an assortment of songs loudly over",
"speakers. and this morning was no different. as",
"soon as the clock hit 7:30, i awoke to the sound",
"of final fantasy victory fanfare. i was a little",
"more tired than usual, and had a headache, so i",
"took a couple excedrin from a bottle i keep in my",
"nightstand, then headed to the bathroom to empty",
"the ol' loch ness monster.",
"after i finished my business, i tarted walking",
"back to my bedroom to change and noticed the",
"clock in the kitchen read 2:38. and then i",
"noticed it was a little to dark to be 7:30. and",
"then i got my phone of my nightstand, unlocking",
"it to find the numbers 2:39 shining in my barely",
"awake eyes. turning to my computer to see what",
"happened, i saw that for some reason, its clock",
"was 5 hours ahead of everybody in my timezone. a",
"little confused, i fixed the clock and shut it",
"down so it could awaken me again at the real 7:30",
", then got back under the covers to go back to",
"sleep.",
"fun fact about excedrin, it contains 65",
"milligrams of caffeine per pill. i took 2, which",
"amounts to about 12oz of coffee. it took me about",
"20 minutes or so of trying in vain to fall asleep",
"to realize this. so now i am operating on one",
"hour of sleep until tonight.",
"i am still not entirely sure why my computer's",
"clock changed. i think maybe i accidentally",
"changed the clock or something when i was dicking",
"around on linux."
] |
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] |
computer, took a shower, and went to bed. i amounts to about 12oz of coffee. it took me about
|
8 | 2 | 0.85 | 8 |
i’ve recently been spending an inordinate amount of time in my university’s library studying for my upcoming exams. due to it being exam season in the uk, the library is constantly busy, with this in mind it’s important to secure a desk and hold on to it for dear life. it was this factor that led to a horrific decision. the decision to do a poo in the library toilets. now i’ve never been the type to use public restrooms and i’m proud to say that in my 13 year school life i never did a ‘school poo’, unless you count shitting myself in year one. accordingly, i did not make my decision lightly. i weighed my options and after i realised holding it in was no longer one of them, they boiled down to two broad tactics, walk all the way home to poo in peace, losing my desk in the process, or do the unthinkable. i chose the latter. in retrospect this was a poor decision.
i was in the silent study area of the library, the place is deathly quiet, so as cautiously as i could i made my way to the toilets. these toilets aren’t your standard large room with several stalls and urinals etc. they were individual restrooms with a sink and a toilet, like disabled toilets without all the bars and safety cords. these toilets are separated from the silent study area by only a door, when they are flushed, the entire silent study area (which was occupied by around 200 people) could hear. so there i was, on my porcelain throne enjoying my first ever ‘school poo’. i felt liberated, i felt like a pioneer, if i could do this, i could do anything.
feeling relieved i arose from the shitter, flushed, and washed my hands. i almost left but i realised that part of my poo had not flushed. no worry i thought, as i flushed again. but the shit remained. now this wasn’t a little nugget, some fragment of a larger faecal entity, this was the real deal, the bee’s knees, if this turd was a car it would be a hummer, it looked like a baby’s arm. this is when panic began to set in. i tried to flush again but the cistern was empty, my own poop was floating there, mocking me, chastising me for my earlier arrogance. i waited a few minutes for the cistern to fill back up and flushed again, to no avail, this cycle took place several times until i looked at my phone and realised i had been in the toilet for half an hour. i came to terms with the fact that this almighty deuce would not capsize. i waved the white flag. literally. in my final attempt to hide my shame i tried to drape the turd with toilet paper so the next user would not see the monstrosity i had left behind.
the closest equivalent i can think of to my attempts at hiding my poo is putting a band-aid on a recently amputated leg, but there was nothing more i could do. feeling as confident as i ever would be, i opened the door and stepped outside. my heart dropped. there were three people waiting outside to use the toilet. the girl at the front of the line smiled at me as she entered my musty abode. i felt like screaming at the top of my lungs, ‘i’m so, so sorry.’ all i could do was pray as i walked at an almost comically high speed away from the toilet. i glanced behind me to see the girl close the door, only to re-emerge almost instantly with a look of terror and disgust on her face. i was almost running at this point, i reached my desk and buried my head in my laptop. i looked up, the queue which had developed outside my stall had now transferred to the other. occasionally people would mistakenly enter the cursed stall, only to exit almost immediately upon witnessing king kong’s thumb staring at them.
from the perspective of the silent study area, i entered the toilet, flushed at least a dozen times, and exited like a fucking bandit, leaving behind a comically large shit and essentially establishing an unofficial quarantine zone in the process. this realisation hit me only upon reaching my desk, where i loudly proceeded to laugh my ass off. in a completely silent room of 200 people. i couldn’t stop, my laughing fit lasted for a solid minute until it subsided and i realised a lot of people were staring at me. i haven’t left my desk for 4 hours. the only way is up from here reddit.
|
left king kong's finger in a library toilet, horrified several people, established a no-go zone, had a mental breakdown in a completely silent room of 200 people**
|
shitting in the library
|
[
"i’ve recently been spending an inordinate amount",
"of time in my university’s library studying for",
"my upcoming exams. due to it being exam season in",
"the uk, the library is constantly busy, with this",
"in mind it’s important to secure a desk and hold",
"on to it for dear life. it was this factor that",
"led to a horrific decision. the decision to do a",
"poo in the library toilets. now i’ve never been",
"the type to use public restrooms and i’m proud to",
"say that in my 13 year school life i never did a",
"‘school poo’, unless you count shitting myself in",
"year one. accordingly, i did not make my decision",
"lightly. i weighed my options and after i",
"realised holding it in was no longer one of them,",
"they boiled down to two broad tactics, walk all",
"the way home to poo in peace, losing my desk in",
"the process, or do the unthinkable. i chose the",
"latter. in retrospect this was a poor decision.",
"i was in the silent study area of the library,",
"the place is deathly quiet, so as cautiously as i",
"could i made my way to the toilets. these toilets",
"aren’t your standard large room with several",
"stalls and urinals etc. they were individual",
"restrooms with a sink and a toilet, like disabled",
"toilets without all the bars and safety cords.",
"these toilets are separated from the silent study",
"area by only a door, when they are flushed, the",
"entire silent study area (which was occupied by",
"around 200 people) could hear. so there i was, on",
"my porcelain throne enjoying my first ever",
"‘school poo’. i felt liberated, i felt like a",
"pioneer, if i could do this, i could do anything.",
"feeling relieved i arose from the shitter,",
"flushed, and washed my hands. i almost left but i",
"realised that part of my poo had not flushed. no",
"worry i thought, as i flushed again. but the shit",
"remained. now this wasn’t a little nugget, some",
"fragment of a larger faecal entity, this was the",
"real deal, the bee’s knees, if this turd was a",
"car it would be a hummer, it looked like a baby’s",
"arm. this is when panic began to set in. i tried",
"to flush again but the cistern was empty, my own",
"poop was floating there, mocking me, chastising",
"me for my earlier arrogance. i waited a few",
"minutes for the cistern to fill back up and",
"flushed again, to no avail, this cycle took place",
"several times until i looked at my phone and",
"realised i had been in the toilet for half an",
"hour. i came to terms with the fact that this",
"almighty deuce would not capsize. i waved the",
"white flag. literally. in my final attempt to",
"hide my shame i tried to drape the turd with",
"toilet paper so the next user would not see the",
"monstrosity i had left behind.",
"the closest equivalent i can think of to my",
"attempts at hiding my poo is putting a band-aid",
"on a recently amputated leg, but there was",
"nothing more i could do. feeling as confident as",
"i ever would be, i opened the door and stepped",
"outside. my heart dropped. there were three",
"people waiting outside to use the toilet. the",
"girl at the front of the line smiled at me as she",
"entered my musty abode. i felt like screaming at",
"the top of my lungs, ‘i’m so, so sorry.’ all i",
"could do was pray as i walked at an almost",
"comically high speed away from the toilet. i",
"glanced behind me to see the girl close the door,",
"only to re-emerge almost instantly with a look of",
"terror and disgust on her face. i was almost",
"running at this point, i reached my desk and",
"buried my head in my laptop. i looked up, the",
"queue which had developed outside my stall had",
"now transferred to the other. occasionally people",
"would mistakenly enter the cursed stall, only to",
"exit almost immediately upon witnessing king",
"kong’s thumb staring at them.",
"from the perspective of the silent study area, i",
"entered the toilet, flushed at least a dozen",
"times, and exited like a fucking bandit, leaving",
"behind a comically large shit and essentially",
"establishing an unofficial quarantine zone in the",
"process. this realisation hit me only upon",
"reaching my desk, where i loudly proceeded to",
"laugh my ass off. in a completely silent room of",
"200 people. i couldn’t stop, my laughing fit",
"lasted for a solid minute until it subsided and i",
"realised a lot of people were staring at me. i",
"haven’t left my desk for 4 hours. the only way is",
"up from here reddit."
] |
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monstrosity i had left behind. laugh my ass off. in a completely silent room of 200 people. i couldn’t stop, my laughing fit
|
13 | 10 | 0.82 | 13 |
well this happened last summer, but i felt this was funny enough to post in here, so here it goes.
it was the beginning of summer, so school was over and wrestling season was over for me. however my coach had practices for us saturday mornings to keep us conditioned. it was a friday night, and i was out at a party getting hammered and blazin. anyway towards the end of the night we stopped to get some mcdonald's, no biggie right, wrong. so i get home pretty late and pass out on my bed immediately, forgetting about practice and not setting my alarm. so the next morning at 8 am i am awoken from my slumber by my friend knocking at my door. i rise out of bed looking like a pile of shit, knowing i fucked up. so i said fuck it, put on some workout clothes and left as i was pressed for time. so anyways i'm at practice, finally starting to gain some energy, and i realize that i need to unleash a very destructive, bottled up shit from the night before. i could feel the beast that had brewed up in there from last night. i figured i would try to make it through practice so coach wouldn't get pissed. halfway through, we line up for sprints, the pain was unbearable, i couldn't take it anymore. so i told coach i had to go shit. sounds simple enough. so coach gives me keys for locker room as we are the only ones at the school and all doors are locked. at this point it's a race for time, i feel it coming, and finally get to the door. now for some reason, in my haste and pain i could not get the fucking door open. i kept trying. i kept fucking it up. so i did what any logical person would do, i couldn't hold it anymore, so i glanced around , and dropped my pants and unleashed a mountain of shit into the trash can right next to the door. the smell was horrid, and the trash was filled up. so then i finally got the door open, and to cover my tracks i hid the trash can in the back corner of the locker room. i went in the bathroom and wiped my ass, and i already could smell the shit roasting , and stinking up the locker room. i decided to act as if i never did it, so i went back to practice. next week my coach pulled me aside asking me if i knew anything about the shit in the garbage can , cause the janitor had made his discovery . that poor poor custodian. i lied and said no, so he checked the cameras and saw my confused,shameful, white ass rocketing diarrhea into a trash can. luckily my coach is awesome so i didn't get in trouble, but i was the laughing stock of the team. oh well.
sorry it's so long, i just love to write stories. also i apologize for any errors. this was one of my first few posts.
|
partied all night, brewed up a shitstorm, overslept and forgot to shit before practice, went to shit at school, couldn't get door open so i shit in trash can, got caught.
|
not taking a shit before wrestling practice
|
[
"well this happened last summer, but i felt this",
"was funny enough to post in here, so here it",
"goes.",
"it was the beginning of summer, so school was",
"over and wrestling season was over for me.",
"however my coach had practices for us saturday",
"mornings to keep us conditioned. it was a friday",
"night, and i was out at a party getting hammered",
"and blazin. anyway towards the end of the night",
"we stopped to get some mcdonald's, no biggie",
"right, wrong. so i get home pretty late and pass",
"out on my bed immediately, forgetting about",
"practice and not setting my alarm. so the next",
"morning at 8 am i am awoken from my slumber by my",
"friend knocking at my door. i rise out of bed",
"looking like a pile of shit, knowing i fucked up.",
"so i said fuck it, put on some workout clothes",
"and left as i was pressed for time. so anyways",
"i'm at practice, finally starting to gain some",
"energy, and i realize that i need to unleash a",
"very destructive, bottled up shit from the night",
"before. i could feel the beast that had brewed up",
"in there from last night. i figured i would try",
"to make it through practice so coach wouldn't get",
"pissed. halfway through, we line up for sprints,",
"the pain was unbearable, i couldn't take it",
"anymore. so i told coach i had to go shit. sounds",
"simple enough. so coach gives me keys for locker",
"room as we are the only ones at the school and",
"all doors are locked. at this point it's a race",
"for time, i feel it coming, and finally get to",
"the door. now for some reason, in my haste and",
"pain i could not get the fucking door open. i",
"kept trying. i kept fucking it up. so i did what",
"any logical person would do, i couldn't hold it",
"anymore, so i glanced around , and dropped my",
"pants and unleashed a mountain of shit into the",
"trash can right next to the door. the smell was",
"horrid, and the trash was filled up. so then i",
"finally got the door open, and to cover my tracks",
"i hid the trash can in the back corner of the",
"locker room. i went in the bathroom and wiped my",
"ass, and i already could smell the shit roasting",
", and stinking up the locker room. i decided to",
"act as if i never did it, so i went back to",
"practice. next week my coach pulled me aside",
"asking me if i knew anything about the shit in",
"the garbage can , cause the janitor had made his",
"discovery . that poor poor custodian. i lied and",
"said no, so he checked the cameras and saw my",
"confused,shameful, white ass rocketing diarrhea",
"into a trash can. luckily my coach is awesome so",
"i didn't get in trouble, but i was the laughing",
"stock of the team. oh well.",
"sorry it's so long, i just love to write stories.",
"also i apologize for any errors. this was one of",
"my first few posts."
] |
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before. i could feel the beast that had brewed up finally got the door open, and to cover my tracks asking me if i knew anything about the shit in into a trash can. luckily my coach is awesome so
|
410 | 121 | 0.95 | 410 |
i'm a big fan of the tifu sub. i take daily solace in the fact that no matter how bad my day is, at least i didn't advise potential employers to prepare their anuses.
this is relevant to my interests, since after relocating to a new city, i finally landed a great job after 3 months of unemployment & abject poverty.
first day on the new job, i meet with my boss. she has very short hair, almost a crewcut, wears no makeup, and walks & talks like a man. she also has a picture on her desk of herself and another woman, having dinner and smiling for the camera, cheek-to-cheek. she's obviously gay, and that's her girlfriend. we'll call her trina.
she introduces me to the young lady who i was hired to replace. we'll call her leslie. leslie is a petite blonde, thin but curvy, very feminine, and downright cute & sexy. shoulder-length curly hair, flirty personality, beautiful, walks around like a model on the catwalk. i'm a heterosexual man. i'd never mix business with pleasure, but i'm looking forward to the next 2 weeks of training with this gorgeous cutie.
we move on to leslie's office, which will become my office. we're sitting next to each other on the same side of the desk, facing the monitor. i notice her desktop background, which shows a guy and a gal cruising in a boat. he's driving, she's the passenger next to him. she has shoulder-length curly blonde hair and looks just like leslie from the distance that the picture was taken from. i assume it's leslie and her fella in the boat. i say, "nice boat, is that you and your fella?" she smiles sheepily and say, "i'm gay. that's just a promo pic for the boat that me and my girlfriend are saving up for". i'm visibly cringing while i hear a nervous laugh from my boss trina down the hall. i nervously stutter "oh, i'm sorry! the girl in the pic looks just like you!".
trina says "can i speak with you for a minute?". i enter her office, and she asks me to close the door. she says "i know it was an honest mistake, but i need you to be extra-sensitive to the diversity of the office". still cringing from the last fuck-up, i say "hey, i have no problem with that. i'm fine with you two being gay, and it won't affect me in any way". she shoots me a dumbfounded glare and says "i'm not gay". "why would you...that's my best friend in that picture..."
|
gaydar broke, moron spoke.
|
having no gaydar.
|
[
"i'm a big fan of the tifu sub. i take daily solace",
"in the fact that no matter how bad my day is, at",
"least i didn't advise potential employers to",
"prepare their anuses.",
"this is relevant to my interests, since after",
"relocating to a new city, i finally landed a",
"great job after 3 months of unemployment & abject",
"poverty.",
"first day on the new job, i meet with my boss.",
"she has very short hair, almost a crewcut, wears",
"no makeup, and walks & talks like a man. she also",
"has a picture on her desk of herself and another",
"woman, having dinner and smiling for the camera,",
"cheek-to-cheek. she's obviously gay, and that's",
"her girlfriend. we'll call her trina.",
"she introduces me to the young lady who i was",
"hired to replace. we'll call her leslie. leslie",
"is a petite blonde, thin but curvy, very",
"feminine, and downright cute & sexy.",
"shoulder-length curly hair, flirty personality,",
"beautiful, walks around like a model on the",
"catwalk. i'm a heterosexual man. i'd never mix",
"business with pleasure, but i'm looking forward",
"to the next 2 weeks of training with this",
"gorgeous cutie.",
"we move on to leslie's office, which will become",
"my office. we're sitting next to each other on",
"the same side of the desk, facing the monitor. i",
"notice her desktop background, which shows a guy",
"and a gal cruising in a boat. he's driving, she's",
"the passenger next to him. she has",
"shoulder-length curly blonde hair and looks just",
"like leslie from the distance that the picture",
"was taken from. i assume it's leslie and her",
"fella in the boat. i say, \"nice boat, is that you",
"and your fella?\" she smiles sheepily and say,",
"\"i'm gay. that's just a promo pic for the boat",
"that me and my girlfriend are saving up for\". i'm",
"visibly cringing while i hear a nervous laugh",
"from my boss trina down the hall. i nervously",
"stutter \"oh, i'm sorry! the girl in the pic looks",
"just like you!\".",
"trina says \"can i speak with you for a minute?\".",
"i enter her office, and she asks me to close the",
"door. she says \"i know it was an honest mistake,",
"but i need you to be extra-sensitive to the",
"diversity of the office\". still cringing from the",
"last fuck-up, i say \"hey, i have no problem with",
"that. i'm fine with you two being gay, and it",
"won't affect me in any way\". she shoots me a",
"dumbfounded glare and says \"i'm not gay\". \"why",
"would you...that's my best friend in that",
"picture...\""
] |
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100 | 43 | 0.85 | 100 |
not five minutes ago, i was reading the [father/daughter internet history fuck up](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2qtwmf/tifu_by_jokingly_searching_through_my_dads/) with my partner sitting on the couch next to me. after reading it, i did two things; one, i chuckled quietly. two, i leaned back and whispered "beautiful" (something i sometimes say when i find something funny). unfortunately for me, so didn't hear the chuckle, only the "beautiful". naturally, he looked at my phone to see what i was commenting on, but he only skimmed over the post. the expression on his face quickly made me realise he hadn't heard me laugh.
|
my boyfriend now thinks i find father/daughter porn beautiful, and i'm having a difficult time convincing him i don't.
|
making my boyfriend think i'm into incest. [nsfw]
|
[
"not five minutes ago, i was reading the",
"[father/daughter internet history fuck",
"up](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2qtwmf/",
"tifu_by_jokingly_searching_through_my_dads/)",
"with my partner sitting on the couch next to me.",
"after reading it, i did two things; one, i",
"chuckled quietly. two, i leaned back and",
"whispered \"beautiful\" (something i sometimes say",
"when i find something funny). unfortunately for",
"me, so didn't hear the chuckle, only the",
"\"beautiful\". naturally, he looked at my phone to",
"see what i was commenting on, but he only skimmed",
"over the post. the expression on his face quickly",
"made me realise he hadn't heard me laugh."
] |
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[father/daughter internet history fuck when i find something funny). unfortunately for "beautiful". naturally, he looked at my phone to
|
25 | 81 | 0.71 | 25 |
18 female here.
a couple weeks ago my boyfriend of 8 months had something on his lip that looked like a cold sore, but he said it wasn't. so we were fooling around and he ate me out.
fast forward to about yesterday i noticed i was itchy and had some irritation near my cooch and i got really worried so i told my mom, and she brought me to the doctor. turns out i have genital warts. he is only the second guy i have slept with ever, and now i have pussy warts for life. i am so frickin pissed at him right now, but i don't even know if i should leave him because it's my fault for letting him go near there. and if i leave him no one is ever going to date me because i have herpes.
no i will not show you a picture.
edit; indeed herpes, warts was melodramatic.
edit again; thanks for the kind inboxes everyone :) i know it's not the end of the world theres just a lot going on down there right now and i feel the need to joke about it
|
boyfriend ate me out and lied about not having a coldsore and now i have herpes.
|
letting my boyfriend go down on me
|
[
"18 female here.",
"a couple weeks ago my boyfriend of 8 months had",
"something on his lip that looked like a cold",
"sore, but he said it wasn't. so we were fooling",
"around and he ate me out.",
"fast forward to about yesterday i noticed i was",
"itchy and had some irritation near my cooch and i",
"got really worried so i told my mom, and she",
"brought me to the doctor. turns out i have",
"genital warts. he is only the second guy i have",
"slept with ever, and now i have pussy warts for",
"life. i am so frickin pissed at him right now,",
"but i don't even know if i should leave him",
"because it's my fault for letting him go near",
"there. and if i leave him no one is ever going to",
"date me because i have herpes.",
"no i will not show you a picture.",
"edit; indeed herpes, warts was melodramatic.",
"edit again; thanks for the kind inboxes everyone",
":) i know it's not the end of the world theres",
"just a lot going on down there right now and i",
"feel the need to joke about it"
] |
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around and he ate me out. date me because i have herpes.
|
2 | 0 | 0.76 | 2 |
well tifu for mistaking a pen lid under my desk for a dog poop.
my dog was happily sleeping on my bed when i looked down after a smelled a smelly smell from said dog, and looked around to try and see what the cause was. i look under my desk and see a what i thought was a perfectly shaped poop. i yelled at my dog and sent her outside in the heat after a scolding and giving her the look from hell. well i then came back to my room and proceeded to put on my glasses and realised that i had yelled at my dog over a black pen lid. the damn pen lid was not a perfectly laid shit but a discarded pen lid. i then ran outside to do the cuddle of sorry-ness to my dog in hopes that she did no longer hate me. she is still wary when ever she sees me and i am ever so wary as to yell at something without looking at it without my glasses on.
|
thought pen lid was dog poop, yelled at dog, used glasses, sorry.
|
for looking without glasses
|
[
"well tifu for mistaking a pen lid under my desk",
"for a dog poop.",
"my dog was happily sleeping on my bed when i",
"looked down after a smelled a smelly smell from",
"said dog, and looked around to try and see what",
"the cause was. i look under my desk and see a",
"what i thought was a perfectly shaped poop. i",
"yelled at my dog and sent her outside in the heat",
"after a scolding and giving her the look from",
"hell. well i then came back to my room and",
"proceeded to put on my glasses and realised that",
"i had yelled at my dog over a black pen lid. the",
"damn pen lid was not a perfectly laid shit but a",
"discarded pen lid. i then ran outside to do the",
"cuddle of sorry-ness to my dog in hopes that she",
"did no longer hate me. she is still wary when",
"ever she sees me and i am ever so wary as to yell",
"at something without looking at it without my",
"glasses on."
] |
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for a dog poop. i had yelled at my dog over a black pen lid. the
|
360 | 52 | 0.94 | 360 |
my father has always been a fan of dad jokes, even since i was a kid. i remember the thousands of gags he would pull on my, just because he's awesome like that.
i'm 17 now, and have become accustomed to the onslaught of jokes that he makes whenever we go somewhere together. if i go driving with him, i'm 'wheely good' or if he drives, he feels 'utterly exhausted'. these jokes can go on for up to 10 minutes at a time.
anyway, dad and i have to go shopping for milk and some cereal, and as we walk in to woolworths (not sure what the brit/american equivalent is, it's just the main food store here in aus) he walks over to the produce section and starts making all manner of terrible jokes that belong over in r/dadjokes.
"man, it's grape that they make these seedless now."
"why didn't the rock-melon get married? because it cantaloupe"
"oh man, that's berry cheap right now."
now, these are standard jokes from my dad, and i just grinned and kept walking, grabbing some bananas.
"oh man, that bunch looks real appealing."
i smirked at that one, and he saw it, which meant he felt that he had an opening to make jokes out of everything.
meat aisle:
"woah, the steaks are high here."
cereal aisle:
"oh man, most of this is so corny."
milk section:
"did you want to catch a moooovie later?"
"sorry, that was udderly terrible."
i continued to smirk at these until we got to the cashier. who looked like a goddess. it is now, that my father decides to recite each of the puns he has pulled on all of the items that we have bought so far.
"man, almonds drive me nuts."
"i wanted to get the wife a special flower, so i got her self-raising."
"yep, eggs, milk, flour, gotta make that dough somehow."
the cashier starts laughing, which means he continues, and everyone behind us gives me death stares. then, just as we start to pay, he makes one final pun.
"orange you glad you got to serve us today?"
the cashier laughs and then her face turns into shock. she looks like she's choking. the person down the line from us calls an ambulance, and the security from the shopping centre come running in, and my dad, a certified first aid trainer, is trying to help her breathe.
turns out she was just having some allergic reaction to something in the air, and just needed an epi-pen that she had right near her. dad assumed that if she wasn't laughing so hard, she wouldn't have breathed in so deeply, and caused it. i call bullshit, but either way, he almost killed our cashier.
he made no jokes on the drive home.
**edit** walked in to the same shop today, and she's back working again. as she scans my items, she kind of coughs and goes
"lettuce make no more puns." really quietly. i died on the inside.
|
my dad told a pun so bad, that the cashier almost died and needed an epipen.
|
taking my dad to the supermarket and laughing at his jokes.
|
[
"my father has always been a fan of dad jokes, even",
"since i was a kid. i remember the thousands of",
"gags he would pull on my, just because he's",
"awesome like that.",
"i'm 17 now, and have become accustomed to the",
"onslaught of jokes that he makes whenever we go",
"somewhere together. if i go driving with him, i'm",
"'wheely good' or if he drives, he feels 'utterly",
"exhausted'. these jokes can go on for up to 10",
"minutes at a time.",
"anyway, dad and i have to go shopping for milk",
"and some cereal, and as we walk in to woolworths",
"(not sure what the brit/american equivalent is,",
"it's just the main food store here in aus) he",
"walks over to the produce section and starts",
"making all manner of terrible jokes that belong",
"over in r/dadjokes.",
"\"man, it's grape that they make these seedless",
"now.\"",
"\"why didn't the rock-melon get married? because",
"it cantaloupe\"",
"\"oh man, that's berry cheap right now.\"",
"now, these are standard jokes from my dad, and i",
"just grinned and kept walking, grabbing some",
"bananas.",
"\"oh man, that bunch looks real appealing.\"",
"i smirked at that one, and he saw it, which meant",
"he felt that he had an opening to make jokes out",
"of everything.",
"meat aisle:\n\"woah, the steaks are high here.\"",
"cereal aisle:",
"\"oh man, most of this is so corny.\"",
"milk section:",
"\"did you want to catch a moooovie later?\"",
"\"sorry, that was udderly terrible.\"",
"i continued to smirk at these until we got to the",
"cashier. who looked like a goddess. it is now,",
"that my father decides to recite each of the puns",
"he has pulled on all of the items that we have",
"bought so far.",
"\"man, almonds drive me nuts.\"",
"\"i wanted to get the wife a special flower, so i",
"got her self-raising.\"",
"\"yep, eggs, milk, flour, gotta make that dough",
"somehow.\"",
"the cashier starts laughing, which means he",
"continues, and everyone behind us gives me death",
"stares. then, just as we start to pay, he makes",
"one final pun.",
"\"orange you glad you got to serve us today?\"",
"the cashier laughs and then her face turns into",
"shock. she looks like she's choking. the person",
"down the line from us calls an ambulance, and the",
"security from the shopping centre come running",
"in, and my dad, a certified first aid trainer, is",
"trying to help her breathe.",
"turns out she was just having some allergic",
"reaction to something in the air, and just needed",
"an epi-pen that she had right near her. dad",
"assumed that if she wasn't laughing so hard, she",
"wouldn't have breathed in so deeply, and caused",
"it. i call bullshit, but either way, he almost",
"killed our cashier.",
"he made no jokes on the drive home.",
"**edit** walked in to the same shop today, and",
"she's back working again. as she scans my items,",
"she kind of coughs and goes",
"\"lettuce make no more puns.\" really quietly. i",
"died on the inside."
] |
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the cashier laughs and then her face turns into an epi-pen that she had right near her. dad
|
5 | 5 | 0.62 | 5 |
happened a few years ago. there was a porn site link that was spreaded through my class. redtube.com. i heard of it through my friends. i didn't realize at the time what porn was, but i knew that redtube is a website that children shouldn't visit and that it's bad.
a few days after i heard of the website, the naive me decided to prank my librarian, whom i am quite close with. i told her if she would like to go to a classical music website, and it works just like youtube.(you know, because the names are almost identical) she was very enthusiatic about it. the very next day, i was called to the principal office. apparently the librarian reported my prank to the authority. the entire experience was frightening and i broke down eventually and cried. the librarian was there and she looked at me with disgust. i've ruined my relationship with her. also, apparently, the government heard of this story and banned redtube in my country.
|
played a prank on librarian by lying to her that redtube.com is a classical music website, i got disciplined and redtube is banned in my country, depriving men from satisfying their sexual needs.
|
trying to prank my librarian
|
[
"happened a few years ago. there was a porn site",
"link that was spreaded through my class.",
"redtube.com. i heard of it through my friends. i",
"didn't realize at the time what porn was, but i",
"knew that redtube is a website that children",
"shouldn't visit and that it's bad.",
"a few days after i heard of the website, the",
"naive me decided to prank my librarian, whom i am",
"quite close with. i told her if she would like to",
"go to a classical music website, and it works",
"just like youtube.(you know, because the names",
"are almost identical) she was very enthusiatic",
"about it. the very next day, i was called to the",
"principal office. apparently the librarian",
"reported my prank to the authority. the entire",
"experience was frightening and i broke down",
"eventually and cried. the librarian was there and",
"she looked at me with disgust. i've ruined my",
"relationship with her. also, apparently, the",
"government heard of this story and banned redtube",
"in my country."
] |
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] |
knew that redtube is a website that children go to a classical music website, and it works in my country.
|
820 | 118 | 0.91 | 820 |
background: i'm a 20 year old woman. i live with my parents. i'm also a phone sex operator. i specifically do female domination phone calls, which includes all sorts of kinky stuff like verbal humiliation and punishment and making the guy on the other end of the phone do terrible things to himself. yes, not only do they consent but they pay for me to tell them to punch themselves in the balls.
so today i'm taking calls. on the website i use, they route your calls to your cell phone. the caller never sees your real cell number, just the 1-800 number on your profile.
i'm in the middle of a call, and this guy wants me to direct a cbt session. cbt = cock and ball torture. i've been on the phone with him for about half an hour now and the cbt has progressed from some punching/squeezing to he's now sticking sterilized medical needles in his cock and balls. as i'm telling him what to do, i do the thing where i hold my phone to my ear by using my shoulder so i have both hands free (i was making a cup of coffee). i feel my phone buzz and assume it's a text from a friend. i don't hear the guy so i say "does your pathetic loser ball sack look like a pincushion with all those needles in it yet?" silence.
then my mom's voice. her poor, confused, traumatized voice.
"hello?"
i thought my stomach was going to fall out my ass. i looked at my phone and realized she'd called me during my work call and i'd somehow accepted her call and put my client on hold. i quickly explained to her that i was working and for her to text me but by the time i got back to my work call the guy had hung up. i checked my profile and he left a one star review saying i hung up on him. when my mom got home i had to explain that i'm a phone sex operator and do femdom calls when her and my dad aren't home. she was confused but okay with it on the condition that i don't have phone sex with her ever again.
|
i'm a phone sex operator, my mom called during a work call and i accidentally picked up and asked if her balls looked like a pincushion.
|
having phone sex with my mom.
|
[
"background: i'm a 20 year old woman. i live with",
"my parents. i'm also a phone sex operator. i",
"specifically do female domination phone calls,",
"which includes all sorts of kinky stuff like",
"verbal humiliation and punishment and making the",
"guy on the other end of the phone do terrible",
"things to himself. yes, not only do they consent",
"but they pay for me to tell them to punch",
"themselves in the balls.",
"so today i'm taking calls. on the website i use,",
"they route your calls to your cell phone. the",
"caller never sees your real cell number, just the",
"1-800 number on your profile.",
"i'm in the middle of a call, and this guy wants",
"me to direct a cbt session. cbt = cock and ball",
"torture. i've been on the phone with him for",
"about half an hour now and the cbt has progressed",
"from some punching/squeezing to he's now sticking",
"sterilized medical needles in his cock and balls.",
"as i'm telling him what to do, i do the thing",
"where i hold my phone to my ear by using my",
"shoulder so i have both hands free (i was making",
"a cup of coffee). i feel my phone buzz and assume",
"it's a text from a friend. i don't hear the guy",
"so i say \"does your pathetic loser ball sack look",
"like a pincushion with all those needles in it",
"yet?\" silence.",
"then my mom's voice. her poor, confused,",
"traumatized voice.",
"\"hello?\"",
"i thought my stomach was going to fall out my",
"ass. i looked at my phone and realized she'd",
"called me during my work call and i'd somehow",
"accepted her call and put my client on hold. i",
"quickly explained to her that i was working and",
"for her to text me but by the time i got back to",
"my work call the guy had hung up. i checked my",
"profile and he left a one star review saying i",
"hung up on him. when my mom got home i had to",
"explain that i'm a phone sex operator and do",
"femdom calls when her and my dad aren't home. she",
"was confused but okay with it on the condition",
"that i don't have phone sex with her ever again."
] |
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] |
my parents. i'm also a phone sex operator. i like a pincushion with all those needles in it called me during my work call and i'd somehow
|
1 | 1 | 0.67 | 1 |
tifu by being friendly...i had a great friday evening with my girlfriends spending the night bar hopping and clubbing. we took the train together and split up at 2:30am to go our separate ways. now i'm waiting for the public bus to get home since i didn't bring my car (not gonna drink & drive) but it had begun to snow earlier and had built up. sooooo in addition to the late night schedules...the buses were delayed and taking detoured routes. i wait and wait and there are a few people there waiting in the cold and snow with me when this short guy on my left keeps on glancing at me. i try to ignore him but he keeps staring and smiling...i start texting my friends to keep myself preoccupied and of course see if they are either safely home or close to getting home. i feel uneasy and turn my head to see the guy over my shoulders trying to read what i'm texting!
so i'm all like "excuse me, can i help you?" he goes, "its cold but beautiful" in broken english and a heavy accent. i nod and go back to texting. he then tells me he's not too good in english and asks me "what time bus coming? bus go bm?". i tell him "i'm not sure but if its going by schedule, in ten minutes". he smiles and thanks me. he says he cannot speak proper english and if i knew some spanish. thanks to my highschool and college spanish classes, i can make simple/basic conversation. i reply "just a little" and smile.
he smiles and then continues the conversation stating he's from peru and that he lives at bm with his sister and brother in law. he says his name is m and asks me where i live. i definitely did not want him knowing where i lived so i lied and said ja. i turn around to hint i no longer want to talk to him and keep myself busy on my phone. he keeps coming to me and talks saying he works in cy on 79st. i say "good" and walk away. he asks me if i ate and would like to eat out with him. i politely say "no thank you". he then suddenly starts wacking himself in the head screaming "stupid me stupid me". now im freaked out. i try to stay away from him but he come closer and says again "you no eat? quieres comer conmigo?" i replied again "no, no thank you" but a little firmer this time. he repeats the self head smacking again. he says "no tengo mujer" i ignore him.
i'm getting more freaked out by him by the second. everyone around him is trying to avoid him as well and keeping to themselves. i see another bus coming which i can also take but would require me to transfer to a second bus. he tries to talk to me again but i cut him off and say "sorry, i'm gonna take another bus. goodnight" and make a run for it. no joke, in the slippery deep snow. i ran. as i reached the bus, i look to my left and shocked to find the man run after me into the bus!
i dash to the last single seats to prevent him from sitting next to me and start dialing my friend. i tell her about the guy freaking me out and following me on the bus. he sits behind me and tries to talk but i ignore him. he starts to get tired of waiting for me to end the call and closes his eyes. i see this from the bus driver's rearview mirror. my friend tells me to go tell the driver about the guy and just ask her to not let the guy get off at the same stop as me bc i know from what he told me earlier about where he lives that he shouldn't. i begin a small convo with the bus driver while my friend is still on the line. when i see the guy has fallen asleep, i immediately ask the driver to stop the bus on the next stop she sees quietly. i whisper thanks as i get off and make a run for it towards a different bus's stop.
i'm so paranoid that he might have gotten off afterwards and walked back towards me that i dont want to wait for that bus. i start walking towards the next bus stop...as i'm 2 blocks down i see the bus coming. i flagged the bus down and thank god the bus driver stopped in the middle of the road to let me in. i looked so terrified he asked if i was okay. i told him about the guy following me. he comforted me saying the guy was not here, told me to be careful getting home and watched me for a bit as i walked towards my house when i got off at my stop. it is now 4:21am and i am now safely home. lesson learned...don't get too friendly with random strangers at the bus stop in the middle of the night.
|
was friendly with stranger waiting for bus in the middle of the night and was stalked halfway...
|
being friendly
|
[
"tifu by being friendly...i had a great friday",
"evening with my girlfriends spending the night",
"bar hopping and clubbing. we took the train",
"together and split up at 2:30am to go our",
"separate ways. now i'm waiting for the public bus",
"to get home since i didn't bring my car (not",
"gonna drink & drive) but it had begun to snow",
"earlier and had built up. sooooo in addition to",
"the late night schedules...the buses were delayed",
"and taking detoured routes. i wait and wait and",
"there are a few people there waiting in the cold",
"and snow with me when this short guy on my left",
"keeps on glancing at me. i try to ignore him but",
"he keeps staring and smiling...i start texting my",
"friends to keep myself preoccupied and of course",
"see if they are either safely home or close to",
"getting home. i feel uneasy and turn my head to",
"see the guy over my shoulders trying to read what",
"i'm texting!",
"so i'm all like \"excuse me, can i help you?\" he",
"goes, \"its cold but beautiful\" in broken english",
"and a heavy accent. i nod and go back to texting.",
"he then tells me he's not too good in english and",
"asks me \"what time bus coming? bus go bm?\". i",
"tell him \"i'm not sure but if its going by",
"schedule, in ten minutes\". he smiles and thanks",
"me. he says he cannot speak proper english and if",
"i knew some spanish. thanks to my highschool and",
"college spanish classes, i can make simple/basic",
"conversation. i reply \"just a little\" and smile.",
"he smiles and then continues the conversation",
"stating he's from peru and that he lives at bm",
"with his sister and brother in law. he says his",
"name is m and asks me where i live. i definitely",
"did not want him knowing where i lived so i lied",
"and said ja. i turn around to hint i no longer",
"want to talk to him and keep myself busy on my",
"phone. he keeps coming to me and talks saying he",
"works in cy on 79st. i say \"good\" and walk away.",
"he asks me if i ate and would like to eat out",
"with him. i politely say \"no thank you\". he then",
"suddenly starts wacking himself in the head",
"screaming \"stupid me stupid me\". now im freaked",
"out. i try to stay away from him but he come",
"closer and says again \"you no eat? quieres comer",
"conmigo?\" i replied again \"no, no thank you\" but",
"a little firmer this time. he repeats the self",
"head smacking again. he says \"no tengo mujer\" i",
"ignore him.",
"i'm getting more freaked out by him by the",
"second. everyone around him is trying to avoid",
"him as well and keeping to themselves. i see",
"another bus coming which i can also take but",
"would require me to transfer to a second bus. he",
"tries to talk to me again but i cut him off and",
"say \"sorry, i'm gonna take another bus.",
"goodnight\" and make a run for it. no joke, in the",
"slippery deep snow. i ran. as i reached the bus,",
"i look to my left and shocked to find the man run",
"after me into the bus!",
"i dash to the last single seats to prevent him",
"from sitting next to me and start dialing my",
"friend. i tell her about the guy freaking me out",
"and following me on the bus. he sits behind me",
"and tries to talk but i ignore him. he starts to",
"get tired of waiting for me to end the call and",
"closes his eyes. i see this from the bus driver's",
"rearview mirror. my friend tells me to go tell",
"the driver about the guy and just ask her to not",
"let the guy get off at the same stop as me bc i",
"know from what he told me earlier about where he",
"lives that he shouldn't. i begin a small convo",
"with the bus driver while my friend is still on",
"the line. when i see the guy has fallen asleep, i",
"immediately ask the driver to stop the bus on the",
"next stop she sees quietly. i whisper thanks as i",
"get off and make a run for it towards a different",
"bus's stop.",
"i'm so paranoid that he might have gotten off",
"afterwards and walked back towards me that i dont",
"want to wait for that bus. i start walking",
"towards the next bus stop...as i'm 2 blocks down",
"i see the bus coming. i flagged the bus down and",
"thank god the bus driver stopped in the middle of",
"the road to let me in. i looked so terrified he",
"asked if i was okay. i told him about the guy",
"following me. he comforted me saying the guy was",
"not here, told me to be careful getting home and",
"watched me for a bit as i walked towards my house",
"when i got off at my stop. it is now 4:21am and i",
"am now safely home. lesson learned...don't get",
"too friendly with random strangers at the bus",
"stop in the middle of the night."
] |
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] |
too friendly with random strangers at the bus stop in the middle of the night.
|
57 | 17 | 0.89 | 57 |
this happened a couple of weeks ago, only now do i feel like posting it.
i work in retail. sometimes when you're working a 9 hour stretch, you just gotta drop a deuce, nothing for it. some retail chains are a bunch of cheap-asses, and won't build an employee-only toilet. whatever.
so after dodging my manager, who insists that everyone wait until our mandated 10 minute break to use the restroom, and avoiding a couple of customers who insist i'm the only one out of about 50 people on staff who can help them, i make a break for the men's restroom.
men's public restrooms are nasty, and i'm always sure i'm running the serious risk of catching some sort of virulent disease whenever i expose my genitals to public restroom air. but as i said, sometimes you just can't keep the prairie dogs from a' poppin', so i do what any dude would do and head straight for the handicapped stall, because let's face it; having all that extra friggin' room to stretch is *awesome.* to my luck though, it's occupied. fine then, i go to a different stall.
after wiping the piss sprinkles off the seat that some jackass with piss-poor dick-to-toilet coordination left for me, i plop down and do my business. when i'm done, i grab some toilet paper to start cleaning up. as i lift my right cheek to get to work, the toilet seat, which is apparently loose, suddenly slips out from under me, catching the skin of my left nut between it and the porcelain. i'm not talking about the gentle, teasing squeeze of a loving partner in some consentual sexy-times. i'm talking about the having-your-finger-slammed-in-the-minivan-door-by-your-own-firstborn-child kind of pinch. only it's your nut that brat is crushing. i stifle the scream of a full-grown woman, and mask the sound of a whimper with several consecutive toilet flushes. now i have a large blood blister on my nut, and i have to make a liar of myself whenever my co-workers ask me why i'm limping.
edit* formatting
|
: went to the bathroom, toilet seat was loose, it slipped and pinched the skin of my left nut.
|
pinching my nut. (nsfwish)
|
[
"this happened a couple of weeks ago, only now do i",
"feel like posting it.",
"i work in retail. sometimes when you're working a",
"9 hour stretch, you just gotta drop a deuce,",
"nothing for it. some retail chains are a bunch of",
"cheap-asses, and won't build an employee-only",
"toilet. whatever.",
"so after dodging my manager, who insists that",
"everyone wait until our mandated 10 minute break",
"to use the restroom, and avoiding a couple of",
"customers who insist i'm the only one out of",
"about 50 people on staff who can help them, i",
"make a break for the men's restroom.",
"men's public restrooms are nasty, and i'm always",
"sure i'm running the serious risk of catching",
"some sort of virulent disease whenever i expose",
"my genitals to public restroom air. but as i",
"said, sometimes you just can't keep the prairie",
"dogs from a' poppin', so i do what any dude would",
"do and head straight for the handicapped stall,",
"because let's face it; having all that extra",
"friggin' room to stretch is *awesome.* to my luck",
"though, it's occupied. fine then, i go to a",
"different stall.",
"after wiping the piss sprinkles off the seat that",
"some jackass with piss-poor dick-to-toilet",
"coordination left for me, i plop down and do my",
"business. when i'm done, i grab some toilet paper",
"to start cleaning up. as i lift my right cheek to",
"get to work, the toilet seat, which is apparently",
"loose, suddenly slips out from under me, catching",
"the skin of my left nut between it and the",
"porcelain. i'm not talking about the gentle,",
"teasing squeeze of a loving partner in some",
"consentual sexy-times. i'm talking about the",
"having-your-finger-slammed-in-the-minivan-door-by",
"-your-own-firstborn-child",
"kind of pinch. only it's your nut that brat is",
"crushing. i stifle the scream of a full-grown",
"woman, and mask the sound of a whimper with",
"several consecutive toilet flushes. now i have a",
"large blood blister on my nut, and i have to make",
"a liar of myself whenever my co-workers ask me",
"why i'm limping.",
"edit* formatting"
] |
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toilet. whatever. the skin of my left nut between it and the
|
5 | 4 | 1 | 5 |
not quite today, but a few months ago.
well, as a bit of backstory, i had just recently gotten a girlfriend, and been telling my parents for the 5 months we had been dating that we were not at all sexually active.
now, this was a sunday morning at 9 am. (i usually wake up around 8-9, and don't really like to sleep in.) but i was fully expecting my parents to wake me up, as they wanted me to take my car to the repair shop for it's usual maintenance.
i had no problem with doing so, but out of the kindness of their hearts, they decided to take the car, and not wake me up.
now, my parents are super paranoid about people stealing stuff after having my gameboy advance stolen when i was very young at the carwash.
so, in turn, they gutted everything from my car.
i get up, and get on skype with my girlfriend (she lives 2 hours away, and only get to drive out to see her once a week, so skype is a great way to stay in touch) when at about 10 am, i call my parents, asking when they will be back. they tell me in about 40 minutes, and after we hang up, everything seemed totally normal, but then i get a text from my mom...
"we found your condoms"
"we will talk when we get home"
my veins froze over. i could feel myself entering into a panic. my jaw drops, and my brain goes into full overdrive. thinking about everything, maybe they were joking?
"just a second sweetie" i say to my gf.
i walk out to the living room, and right at the end of the hallway is the center console from my car, (my condoms were underneath it) and i look inside of my moms "hilton honors 'eco' bag" and there it is. the open box of condoms, with 2/3 of them missing.
i run out to the trash can in the street and dispose of them. hoping in some way that would make it better. my face started feeling flush, i was so embarrassed. i was scared of my parents, and scared of what my gf would say about this...
i walked back into the room where i left my laptop, my face in my hands.
i say out loud- "oh fuck."
gf- "what?"
me-"..."
gf- "tell me please..."
me- "... my mom just told me she found the condoms."
gf- "i told you to throw them away! oh no, you're parents are gonna hate me!"
me- (i calmed down a bit, as i needed to try to calm her down) "well, i hid them underneath the center console! i didn't even know they understood how to remove it! but don't worry love! they won't hate you, they'll hate me."
after that, we were just talking about all the possible outcomes.
well, my mom was like "eh, i already knew you guys were doing stuff like that." and was a little more like "and if you guys are doing it, i'm at least glad you're doing it safely."
my dad was the one freaking the fak out. "do you understand how much you're risking?" "you're being very immature" "you only get one shot at life" ... etc, etc, etc. that conversation lasted about 3 hours.
in the end, me and my gf are still together, going on 10 months, and i know she's the one for me. my parents, as completely embarrassed as i was, they still are totally cool with me visiting her, and driving 2 hours every weekend, including funding my shenanigans! (they're good parents)
|
didn't wake up early, parents found my condoms.
|
not setting my alarm.
|
[
"not quite today, but a few months ago.",
"well, as a bit of backstory, i had just recently",
"gotten a girlfriend, and been telling my parents",
"for the 5 months we had been dating that we were",
"not at all sexually active.",
"now, this was a sunday morning at 9 am. (i",
"usually wake up around 8-9, and don't really like",
"to sleep in.) but i was fully expecting my",
"parents to wake me up, as they wanted me to take",
"my car to the repair shop for it's usual",
"maintenance.",
"i had no problem with doing so, but out of the",
"kindness of their hearts, they decided to take",
"the car, and not wake me up.",
"now, my parents are super paranoid about people",
"stealing stuff after having my gameboy advance",
"stolen when i was very young at the carwash.",
"so, in turn, they gutted everything from my car.",
"i get up, and get on skype with my girlfriend",
"(she lives 2 hours away, and only get to drive",
"out to see her once a week, so skype is a great",
"way to stay in touch) when at about 10 am, i call",
"my parents, asking when they will be back. they",
"tell me in about 40 minutes, and after we hang",
"up, everything seemed totally normal, but then i",
"get a text from my mom...",
"\"we found your condoms\"",
"\"we will talk when we get home\"",
"my veins froze over. i could feel myself entering",
"into a panic. my jaw drops, and my brain goes",
"into full overdrive. thinking about everything,",
"maybe they were joking?",
"\"just a second sweetie\" i say to my gf.",
"i walk out to the living room, and right at the",
"end of the hallway is the center console from my",
"car, (my condoms were underneath it) and i look",
"inside of my moms \"hilton honors 'eco' bag\" and",
"there it is. the open box of condoms, with 2/3 of",
"them missing.",
"i run out to the trash can in the street and",
"dispose of them. hoping in some way that would",
"make it better. my face started feeling flush, i",
"was so embarrassed. i was scared of my parents,",
"and scared of what my gf would say about this...",
"i walked back into the room where i left my",
"laptop, my face in my hands.",
"i say out loud- \"oh fuck.\"\n\ngf- \"what?\"",
"me-\"...\"\n\ngf- \"tell me please...\"",
"me- \"... my mom just told me she found the",
"condoms.\"",
"gf- \"i told you to throw them away! oh no, you're",
"parents are gonna hate me!\"",
"me- (i calmed down a bit, as i needed to try to",
"calm her down) \"well, i hid them underneath the",
"center console! i didn't even know they",
"understood how to remove it! but don't worry",
"love! they won't hate you, they'll hate me.\"",
"after that, we were just talking about all the",
"possible outcomes.",
"well, my mom was like \"eh, i already knew you",
"guys were doing stuff like that.\" and was a",
"little more like \"and if you guys are doing it,",
"i'm at least glad you're doing it safely.\"",
"my dad was the one freaking the fak out. \"do you",
"understand how much you're risking?\" \"you're",
"being very immature\" \"you only get one shot at",
"life\" ... etc, etc, etc. that conversation lasted",
"about 3 hours.",
"in the end, me and my gf are still together,",
"going on 10 months, and i know she's the one for",
"me. my parents, as completely embarrassed as i",
"was, they still are totally cool with me visiting",
"her, and driving 2 hours every weekend, including",
"funding my shenanigans! (they're good parents)"
] |
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usually wake up around 8-9, and don't really like
|
130 | 48 | 0.85 | 130 |
*repost from wed. removed for rule 11.
dear reddit,
allow me to create for you a setting.
to begin, i will explain that i live in the us on the border with mexico. i mean real close..i can see it from my house. this proximity to our spicy southern neighbors would create many interesting opportunities for those adventurous (dumb) enough to look for them. the city in mexico was the playground for all our youthful debauchery. it was like a dirty, stinky, little vegas, for local ( go fuck yourself out of town frat boys) children tall enough to see over the bar, as long as they held crisp (they could be in thirteen pieces actually, they didn't care) american greenbacks. sadly this is not really the case anymore (9/11, patriot act, ice, dhs, cartel violence), but i digress.
i was 23 at the time of this story. i am a white guy. new years day. the cacti were angry that day, my friends.
my group for this particular evening in mexico included a girl i shall call, bubbles, and her sister, bulma. bulma had just returned from a year long student exchange trip in europe. i had seen her pictures. i was a man on a mission for bulma. bulma's father is a former mayoral candidate(lost) in this mexican city and a current defense attorney. bulma was born in the us but went to private school in mexico until high school.
the story
after many hours of getting hammered like idiots i found myself sitting in a dark corner booth at one of the bars with bulma. we were making out like wild animals and as i glanced over i made eye contact with the grinning toothless visage of a mexican police officer. he was sitting about five feet away chilling out watching me finger this girl under her skirt. i figured i had better mosey on. dude high fives me as i walk by and then smells his fingers and laughs. whatever. by this time it is turning into brawl thirty (fights always break out at about 3 a.m. or so) out on the streets as it does any great weekend in mexico full of bikers and frats who think going to mexico makes them edgy until they realize the local americans are fucking crazy.
we quickly hightail it to her car which is parked along the street a few blocks down, being guarded all night by my man pepe for a few dollars. you smell terrible as usual pepe and i don't think even the mexicans can understand you. but it is all good, the car is there in one piece.
bulma and her sister decide i should stay at their parents house in mexico. it is too dangerous and late to drive home they say. cool, i love sleeping in mexico. makes me feel like neo waking up outside the matrix in the morning. bubbles goes to bed and i end up in their living room with bulma and we are making out on the couch. she asks me if i have a condom and of course i don't. that would make me responsible and smart. she goes up to the second floor and rips a korean condom off of her exchange student jacket they pin stuff on from different countries.
we are having sex and after a while i guess i hit a few good notes because she started screaming in german over and over. next thing i know pancho villa con papa turns on the light and just stands there, glaring at me. he can't see me if i don't move right? fuck, that is dinosaurs in jp1 but not jp2. bulma jumps up and puts on my shirt. that'll help. papa mexico turns around and hauls ass back upstairs. why is he going up there? oh shit. i haul ass to the front door and try to man-handle this heavy solid metal fort knox door open. really? finally, i get all thirty seven locks disengaged and haul the door open. what do i see that i didn't notice coming in because the gate was open and i'm stupid? a twelve foot solid fucking wall and the gate is locked! i can't get out! fuck! i saw it in a move once so i tried to jump and push off one corner wall then the other corner wall, up onto the top of the wall. with my, don't end up floating in the river adrenaline going, i made it up.
at this point i realize i am in a gated community several miles from the border. the front gate of the community opens up onto the main road that leads directly to the border. with slums in between and the previously mentioned mad max environment outside the bars along this main road as well. on foot. no shirt. i am getting paranoid at this point. surely papa mexico already has several hit squads after me by now? and there is only one way out of this fucking gated community. so i decide to duck walk between the shrubs and the wall heading towards the gate. every time i see headlights (4:30 am) i panic and dive onto the ground. every time. why are all these cars out this late?? eventually i make my way onto the main road without incident and i start jogging what i think might be north along the road. i am not 100% sure which direction we came from so i really hope this is north. after a while i decide to just walk calmly and try to look like this snow white shirtless gringo belongs walking down this sidewalk in mexico at 4:45 am. i try to look like this is my sidewalk for the next hour or so until i can finally see the light of the border bridge.
i pay my dollar fifty to the mexican dudes manning the toll both, cross over to the us side, and walk three miles to the nearest truck stop, call my dad, and sleep warm in my bed.
i contacted bulma through facebook(myspace? i don't remeber) the next day to see if she was ok. bulma and her sister didn't have a very good time with their parents as you might imagine. i felt terrible for being an idiot drunk and i contacted bulma through facebook the next morning to see if she was ok. she told me her dad woke her older sister up with a slap to the face for allowing this to happen. bulma was called every bad name in the book and become somewhat of a prisoner for several months afterwards but eventually things settled back down.
bulma and i have been together ever since. 9 years this coming summer. the love of my life. it was her idea that i write this up to practice my writing and she feels this story must be told.
than you for reading!
|
white guy mexican girl sex mexico caught by pancho villa hot zone duck walk run walk escape
|
being a white american getting caught by mexican girl's dad naked with his daughter on his living room couch...in mexico.
|
[
"*repost from wed. removed for rule 11.",
"dear reddit,",
"allow me to create for you a setting.",
"to begin, i will explain that i live in the us on",
"the border with mexico. i mean real close..i can",
"see it from my house. this proximity to our spicy",
"southern neighbors would create many interesting",
"opportunities for those adventurous (dumb) enough",
"to look for them. the city in mexico was the",
"playground for all our youthful debauchery. it",
"was like a dirty, stinky, little vegas, for local",
"( go fuck yourself out of town frat boys)",
"children tall enough to see over the bar, as long",
"as they held crisp (they could be in thirteen",
"pieces actually, they didn't care) american",
"greenbacks. sadly this is not really the case",
"anymore (9/11, patriot act, ice, dhs, cartel",
"violence), but i digress.",
"i was 23 at the time of this story. i am a white",
"guy. new years day. the cacti were angry that",
"day, my friends.",
"my group for this particular evening in mexico",
"included a girl i shall call, bubbles, and her",
"sister, bulma. bulma had just returned from a",
"year long student exchange trip in europe. i had",
"seen her pictures. i was a man on a mission for",
"bulma. bulma's father is a former mayoral",
"candidate(lost) in this mexican city and a",
"current defense attorney. bulma was born in the",
"us but went to private school in mexico until",
"high school.",
"the story",
"after many hours of getting hammered like idiots",
"i found myself sitting in a dark corner booth at",
"one of the bars with bulma. we were making out",
"like wild animals and as i glanced over i made",
"eye contact with the grinning toothless visage of",
"a mexican police officer. he was sitting about",
"five feet away chilling out watching me finger",
"this girl under her skirt. i figured i had better",
"mosey on. dude high fives me as i walk by and",
"then smells his fingers and laughs. whatever. by",
"this time it is turning into brawl thirty (fights",
"always break out at about 3 a.m. or so) out on",
"the streets as it does any great weekend in",
"mexico full of bikers and frats who think going",
"to mexico makes them edgy until they realize the",
"local americans are fucking crazy.",
"we quickly hightail it to her car which is parked",
"along the street a few blocks down, being guarded",
"all night by my man pepe for a few dollars. you",
"smell terrible as usual pepe and i don't think",
"even the mexicans can understand you. but it is",
"all good, the car is there in one piece.",
"bulma and her sister decide i should stay at",
"their parents house in mexico. it is too",
"dangerous and late to drive home they say. cool,",
"i love sleeping in mexico. makes me feel like neo",
"waking up outside the matrix in the morning.",
"bubbles goes to bed and i end up in their living",
"room with bulma and we are making out on the",
"couch. she asks me if i have a condom and of",
"course i don't. that would make me responsible",
"and smart. she goes up to the second floor and",
"rips a korean condom off of her exchange student",
"jacket they pin stuff on from different",
"countries.",
"we are having sex and after a while i guess i hit",
"a few good notes because she started screaming in",
"german over and over. next thing i know pancho",
"villa con papa turns on the light and just stands",
"there, glaring at me. he can't see me if i don't",
"move right? fuck, that is dinosaurs in jp1 but",
"not jp2. bulma jumps up and puts on my shirt.",
"that'll help. papa mexico turns around and hauls",
"ass back upstairs. why is he going up there? oh",
"shit. i haul ass to the front door and try to",
"man-handle this heavy solid metal fort knox door",
"open. really? finally, i get all thirty seven",
"locks disengaged and haul the door open. what do",
"i see that i didn't notice coming in because the",
"gate was open and i'm stupid? a twelve foot solid",
"fucking wall and the gate is locked! i can't get",
"out! fuck! i saw it in a move once so i tried to",
"jump and push off one corner wall then the other",
"corner wall, up onto the top of the wall. with",
"my, don't end up floating in the river adrenaline",
"going, i made it up.",
"at this point i realize i am in a gated community",
"several miles from the border. the front gate of",
"the community opens up onto the main road that",
"leads directly to the border. with slums in",
"between and the previously mentioned mad max",
"environment outside the bars along this main road",
"as well. on foot. no shirt. i am getting paranoid",
"at this point. surely papa mexico already has",
"several hit squads after me by now? and there is",
"only one way out of this fucking gated community.",
"so i decide to duck walk between the shrubs and",
"the wall heading towards the gate. every time i",
"see headlights (4:30 am) i panic and dive onto",
"the ground. every time. why are all these cars",
"out this late?? eventually i make my way onto the",
"main road without incident and i start jogging",
"what i think might be north along the road. i am",
"not 100% sure which direction we came from so i",
"really hope this is north. after a while i decide",
"to just walk calmly and try to look like this",
"snow white shirtless gringo belongs walking down",
"this sidewalk in mexico at 4:45 am. i try to look",
"like this is my sidewalk for the next hour or so",
"until i can finally see the light of the border",
"bridge.",
"i pay my dollar fifty to the mexican dudes",
"manning the toll both, cross over to the us side,",
"and walk three miles to the nearest truck stop,",
"call my dad, and sleep warm in my bed.",
"i contacted bulma through facebook(myspace? i",
"don't remeber) the next day to see if she was ok.",
"bulma and her sister didn't have a very good time",
"with their parents as you might imagine. i felt",
"terrible for being an idiot drunk and i contacted",
"bulma through facebook the next morning to see if",
"she was ok. she told me her dad woke her older",
"sister up with a slap to the face for allowing",
"this to happen. bulma was called every bad name",
"in the book and become somewhat of a prisoner for",
"several months afterwards but eventually things",
"settled back down.",
"bulma and i have been together ever since. 9",
"years this coming summer. the love of my life. it",
"was her idea that i write this up to practice my",
"writing and she feels this story must be told.",
"than you for reading!"
] |
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candidate(lost) in this mexican city and a so i decide to duck walk between the shrubs and
|
0 | 13 | 0.5 | 0 |
well i had been living with my current wife two years when i met this girl, not as cute as my wife but we shared so many things that we came very close, needless to say that my wife wasn't very thrilled about our more than friendly relation, then my wife got pregnant and... well i did the "right" thing and married her to give our future son an stable home, after we got married my wife went crazy about my friendship with this girl so i stopped all contact with her, 5 years later and my marriage hasn't been the best, i dont share my wife's point of view on many things and every time we talk about something serious we end up arguing, but still love my family . to the point of the tifu today i read on her twitter that her major crush is been married for 5 years and she is still waiting for him to get divorced, so i dont know if i want to get divorced but i would preffer to be with her,
|
married, crush still waiting for divorce, 12 am and i am very very contradicted.
|
looking at my ex...friend twitter
|
[
"well i had been living with my current wife two",
"years when i met this girl, not as cute as my",
"wife but we shared so many things that we came",
"very close, needless to say that my wife wasn't",
"very thrilled about our more than friendly",
"relation, then my wife got pregnant and... well i",
"did the \"right\" thing and married her to give our",
"future son an stable home, after we got married",
"my wife went crazy about my friendship with this",
"girl so i stopped all contact with her, 5 years",
"later and my marriage hasn't been the best, i",
"dont share my wife's point of view on many things",
"and every time we talk about something serious we",
"end up arguing, but still love my family . to",
"the point of the tifu today i read on her twitter",
"that her major crush is been married for 5 years",
"and she is still waiting for him to get divorced,",
"so i dont know if i want to get divorced but i",
"would preffer to be with her,"
] |
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and she is still waiting for him to get divorced,
|
7 | 2 | 0.67 | 7 |
my friend's cat just died and he's been really upset about it so i decided i should try to do something nice for him. he's a ridiculously picky eater and only eats like 3 things, one of which is peanut butter. the only peanut butter he likes though is the reese's peanut butter peanut butter, which they just recently stopped selling in our area.
i thought it'd be nice to get him some so i went online and purchased two jars. now, when i did this i accidentally clicked "next day shipping", and apparently this peanut butter is being sent from fucking mars because it added $75 to the purchase!!!!
[proof](http://i.imgur.com/mmdn5sz.png)
i've tried contacting hershey, but it doesn't look like they're gonna cancel the order. i don't even like this shitty peanut butter and i just spent 85 fucking dollars on it. spending this much money on 2 jars of peanut butter would only be worth it if they were either mashed by jesus himself, or could raise my friend's stupid cat from the grave. fuck me. fuck me so hard.
|
i accidentally spent $85 on peanut butter because my friend's cat died
|
buying peanut butter
|
[
"my friend's cat just died and he's been really",
"upset about it so i decided i should try to do",
"something nice for him. he's a ridiculously picky",
"eater and only eats like 3 things, one of which",
"is peanut butter. the only peanut butter he likes",
"though is the reese's peanut butter peanut",
"butter, which they just recently stopped selling",
"in our area.",
"i thought it'd be nice to get him some so i went",
"online and purchased two jars. now, when i did",
"this i accidentally clicked \"next day shipping\",",
"and apparently this peanut butter is being sent",
"from fucking mars because it added $75 to the",
"purchase!!!!",
"[proof](http://i.imgur.com/mmdn5sz.png)",
"i've tried contacting hershey, but it doesn't",
"look like they're gonna cancel the order. i don't",
"even like this shitty peanut butter and i just",
"spent 85 fucking dollars on it. spending this",
"much money on 2 jars of peanut butter would only",
"be worth it if they were either mashed by jesus",
"himself, or could raise my friend's stupid cat",
"from the grave. fuck me. fuck me so hard."
] |
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my friend's cat just died and he's been really even like this shitty peanut butter and i just
|
2 | 5 | 0.75 | 2 |
so i was going to change into my last pair of contacts today. i took out the old ones, and as per usual, tossed them into the toilet. i opened one lens and put it in fine, but when i went to put in the other, i realized there was a puncture in the little foil cover. all the solution had leaked out, leaving my remaining lens a dried-up, crackled, unusable mess. so there was my decision -- either go half-blind for who knows how long (i don't have a current prescription), or pluck my used lens out of the toilet water. needless to say, i bobbed my lens out of the toilet, rinsed it as best i could, and prayed not to get an eye infection.
|
toilet water = contact lens solution
|
changing my contact lenses.
|
[
"so i was going to change into my last pair of",
"contacts today. i took out the old ones, and as",
"per usual, tossed them into the toilet. i opened",
"one lens and put it in fine, but when i went to",
"put in the other, i realized there was a puncture",
"in the little foil cover. all the solution had",
"leaked out, leaving my remaining lens a dried-up,",
"crackled, unusable mess. so there was my decision",
"-- either go half-blind for who knows how long (i",
"don't have a current prescription), or pluck my",
"used lens out of the toilet water. needless to",
"say, i bobbed my lens out of the toilet, rinsed",
"it as best i could, and prayed not to get an eye",
"infection."
] |
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] |
used lens out of the toilet water. needless to
|
10 | 2 | 0.92 | 10 |
me and my wife got a breadmaker for christmas. it's a zojirushi, top of the line, great machine. but, breadmaking is very much a science, and we have had a few failures to successfully make good bread. about a month ago was one of these failures. i could see the dough did not rise before the bake cycle, and immediately terminated the bread. i was in the middle of cleaning the kitchen, and my adorable dog, [maddie](http://i.imgur.com/jfeappx.jpg), a miscellaneous white terrier, looked up at me expecting noms. i'm *very* guilty of feeding the dogs from the table, so i gave her a tiny bit of dough. my wife's dog, a rat terrier named [sophie](http://i.imgur.com/rkmd9g9.jpg), felt her nom sense tingling, and was there almost immediately expecting delicious dough. not wanting to be unfair, i gave her some too... and maddie a bit more. not soon after, i was halfway through the dishes, and tor, our friend's dog that we were petsitting for the week, had joined the begging party. of course, his 5lbs of chihuahua mix deserved some too... but then again, so did sophie (10lbs) and maddie (15lbs). i kept going with my cleaning and tossed a scrap of dough here, scrap there, and realized by the end of scrubbing the kitchen that the pile of dough that failed to rise in the breadmaker had been almost completely distributed between 30lbs of terrier/chihuahua/misc dog.
i felt terrible, because i try to only give them a bit at a time. i forget how tiny they are, and how much people food can throw off their diet. i immediately threw the rest of the dough away, gave them kibbles, and topped off their water, to make sure they had enough good nutrition. being dogs, of course they ate all that too. the evening went on, and my wife and i played some rift together. maddie and sophie like to sleep on my lap while we're playing, and i started noticing some terrible yeast-smelling belches coming from them. they were sleeping peacefully as usually, and i thought nothing of it. tor even hopped up and we had a triple dog snuggle going on in my lap. it was great. a couple of hours later, i let the terriers and tor out for "final business" before we went to bed. they went out, did potty, and came in as normal. since tor was out of his element, we put all the pups together for the night in the guest bathroom, with their beds. tor and maddie and sophie know each other well, and usually just sleep in a dogpile on maddie's bed. i got up the next day for work, showered, dressed, and was about to let the dogs out of their room when i noticed a terrible smell coming from the bathroom. i cautiously opened the door, and several things happened at once:
* the door opened, scraping through several mounds of doggy diarrhea. poop smeared underneath the door, scraping across the floor and accumulating on the back of the door.
* tor bolted. he wanted nothing to do with that mess. unfortunately, he had sprinted through the minefield of shit.
* maddie and sophie were laying in their bed, looking completely defeated. maddie had nothing on her, but sophie had a large spot of dogshitvomit on her (more on dogshitvomit later).
i closed the door, caught up with tor, and put him out back. after that, i gently collected the terriers one at a time, and put both of them out back, and tried to figure out what the hell happened. from what i could tell based on the mess, one of the dogs pooped overnight. my dog, maddie, is neurotic and afraid of messes, and will eat them. she did. we refer to the aftermath of maddie eating turd "dogshitvomit" because she almost always barfs up the craptastic cocktail afterwards, and the smell is 1000x worse than just dog shit alone. needless to say, she barfed this up. on tor and sophie. sometime during the night, another dog or two pooped near the door, and sophie, who is the most aggressive eater, barfed up an enormous pile of white dough all over tor and the bed.
so here we have:
* maddie, clean but having barfed dogshitvomit on tor and sophie.
* sophie, covered in dogshitvomit, but otherwise doing well. actually, being covered in dogshitvomit may be doing well for a dog...
* tor, covered in yeasty breaddough vomit from sophie and dogshitvomit from maddie.
i spent *two hours* cleaning up shit, then bathed each dog. the worse was cleaning shit off the bottom of the fucking door. that was disgusting. i thought i was done but...
...i went to work, not occuring to me that tor had not thrown up. my wife calls me *freaking* out because tor is stumbling and running into things. i realize i only cleaned up a vomit spot and a dogshitvomit spot in addition to the turd, and that tor never threw up.
tor was drunk as hell. the yeast had fermented in his stomach, and he was completely shitfaced. he was walking around the house running into things, staggering, and barking at walls.
my wife gave tor water, white rice, and chicken, and made sure he sobered up. they were all fine, and i will never feed dogs bread dough again.
|
**don't feed your dogs bread dough.** it leads to fountains of shit and drunk chihuahuas.
|
feeding my dog bread dough
|
[
"me and my wife got a breadmaker for christmas.",
"it's a zojirushi, top of the line, great machine.",
"but, breadmaking is very much a science, and we",
"have had a few failures to successfully make good",
"bread. about a month ago was one of these",
"failures. i could see the dough did not rise",
"before the bake cycle, and immediately terminated",
"the bread. i was in the middle of cleaning the",
"kitchen, and my adorable dog,",
"[maddie](http://i.imgur.com/jfeappx.jpg), a",
"miscellaneous white terrier, looked up at me",
"expecting noms. i'm *very* guilty of feeding the",
"dogs from the table, so i gave her a tiny bit of",
"dough. my wife's dog, a rat terrier named",
"[sophie](http://i.imgur.com/rkmd9g9.jpg), felt",
"her nom sense tingling, and was there almost",
"immediately expecting delicious dough. not",
"wanting to be unfair, i gave her some too... and",
"maddie a bit more. not soon after, i was halfway",
"through the dishes, and tor, our friend's dog",
"that we were petsitting for the week, had joined",
"the begging party. of course, his 5lbs of",
"chihuahua mix deserved some too... but then",
"again, so did sophie (10lbs) and maddie (15lbs).",
"i kept going with my cleaning and tossed a scrap",
"of dough here, scrap there, and realized by the",
"end of scrubbing the kitchen that the pile of",
"dough that failed to rise in the breadmaker had",
"been almost completely distributed between 30lbs",
"of terrier/chihuahua/misc dog.",
"i felt terrible, because i try to only give them",
"a bit at a time. i forget how tiny they are, and",
"how much people food can throw off their diet. i",
"immediately threw the rest of the dough away,",
"gave them kibbles, and topped off their water, to",
"make sure they had enough good nutrition. being",
"dogs, of course they ate all that too. the",
"evening went on, and my wife and i played some",
"rift together. maddie and sophie like to sleep on",
"my lap while we're playing, and i started",
"noticing some terrible yeast-smelling belches",
"coming from them. they were sleeping peacefully",
"as usually, and i thought nothing of it. tor even",
"hopped up and we had a triple dog snuggle going",
"on in my lap. it was great. a couple of hours",
"later, i let the terriers and tor out for \"final",
"business\" before we went to bed. they went out,",
"did potty, and came in as normal. since tor was",
"out of his element, we put all the pups together",
"for the night in the guest bathroom, with their",
"beds. tor and maddie and sophie know each other",
"well, and usually just sleep in a dogpile on",
"maddie's bed. i got up the next day for work,",
"showered, dressed, and was about to let the dogs",
"out of their room when i noticed a terrible smell",
"coming from the bathroom. i cautiously opened the",
"door, and several things happened at once:",
"* the door opened, scraping through several",
"mounds of doggy diarrhea. poop smeared underneath",
"the door, scraping across the floor and",
"accumulating on the back of the door.",
"* tor bolted. he wanted nothing to do with that",
"mess. unfortunately, he had sprinted through the",
"minefield of shit.",
"* maddie and sophie were laying in their bed,",
"looking completely defeated. maddie had nothing",
"on her, but sophie had a large spot of",
"dogshitvomit on her (more on dogshitvomit later).",
"i closed the door, caught up with tor, and put",
"him out back. after that, i gently collected the",
"terriers one at a time, and put both of them out",
"back, and tried to figure out what the hell",
"happened. from what i could tell based on the",
"mess, one of the dogs pooped overnight. my dog,",
"maddie, is neurotic and afraid of messes, and",
"will eat them. she did. we refer to the aftermath",
"of maddie eating turd \"dogshitvomit\" because she",
"almost always barfs up the craptastic cocktail",
"afterwards, and the smell is 1000x worse than",
"just dog shit alone. needless to say, she barfed",
"this up. on tor and sophie. sometime during the",
"night, another dog or two pooped near the door,",
"and sophie, who is the most aggressive eater,",
"barfed up an enormous pile of white dough all",
"over tor and the bed.",
"so here we have:",
"* maddie, clean but having barfed dogshitvomit on",
"tor and sophie.",
"* sophie, covered in dogshitvomit, but otherwise",
"doing well. actually, being covered in",
"dogshitvomit may be doing well for a dog...",
"* tor, covered in yeasty breaddough vomit from",
"sophie and dogshitvomit from maddie.",
"i spent *two hours* cleaning up shit, then bathed",
"each dog. the worse was cleaning shit off the",
"bottom of the fucking door. that was disgusting.",
"i thought i was done but...",
"...i went to work, not occuring to me that tor",
"had not thrown up. my wife calls me *freaking*",
"out because tor is stumbling and running into",
"things. i realize i only cleaned up a vomit spot",
"and a dogshitvomit spot in addition to the turd,",
"and that tor never threw up.",
"tor was drunk as hell. the yeast had fermented in",
"his stomach, and he was completely shitfaced. he",
"was walking around the house running into things,",
"staggering, and barking at walls.",
"my wife gave tor water, white rice, and chicken,",
"and made sure he sobered up. they were all fine,",
"and i will never feed dogs bread dough again."
] |
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minefield of shit. and i will never feed dogs bread dough again.
|
328 | 34 | 0.9 | 328 |
okay. this happend to me a year ago. my friend said reddit would enjoy it. so, i was out at the bar with a buddy trying to take home some fine piece of ass. it was a country bar and i hate country music. so i got drunk. really fucking drunk. i spotted this girl, she was fucking gorgeous. i decided i was gonna take her home. only problem was, i lived at my parents house. i remember pointing her out to my buddy, and his response was "holy fuck bro, at least 15" now, he was drinking but not nearly as much as i had. so i thought she was a 15 out of 10. he meant 15 beers at least. didn't matter anyway because i was already passed that. now, i kind of remember what happened. i don't know what i said to her but we went back to get place. things get heated, she's sucking on my d. then it happens. those fingers. they entered my asshole. i was almost certain she/he was going to wip out a dick or something so i fucking booked it. i ran 8 blocks home.
my parents were awake watching a movie. they asked me how my night was, and why i was sweating and out of breath. i said some drunken words then wandered to bed in the basement. then it happened. the walls, they were moving trying to eat me. so i ran. i ran to the front door. opened it and.... there he was. the fucking lucky charms guy. i was so fucking amused. he was trying to get me to eat his marshmallows but i didn't want to i'm not sure how long i talked to him but i fell to the ground. no other memories of the night. i woke up late in the afternoon. when i talked to my parents they told me. i went up stairs, started yelling at them about some lucky charms guy. i went back downstairs. then 40 mins later when they went to bed i woke them up crying saying there was a turtle in the rice, and he's dieing and he's needs help or something. they knew i want myself, maybe sleepwalking? the next day they found the rice cooker filled with a few cups of rice and a pile of shit. i shit in the rice cooker. that crazy cunt, she put drugs in my asshole.
|
went out drinking, went back to a crazy cunts house, she put drugs in my asshole, i shit in a rice cooker
|
the turtle in the rice nsfw
|
[
"okay. this happend to me a year ago. my friend",
"said reddit would enjoy it. so, i was out at the",
"bar with a buddy trying to take home some fine",
"piece of ass. it was a country bar and i hate",
"country music. so i got drunk. really fucking",
"drunk. i spotted this girl, she was fucking",
"gorgeous. i decided i was gonna take her home.",
"only problem was, i lived at my parents house. i",
"remember pointing her out to my buddy, and his",
"response was \"holy fuck bro, at least 15\" now, he",
"was drinking but not nearly as much as i had. so",
"i thought she was a 15 out of 10. he meant 15",
"beers at least. didn't matter anyway because i",
"was already passed that. now, i kind of remember",
"what happened. i don't know what i said to her",
"but we went back to get place. things get heated,",
"she's sucking on my d. then it happens. those",
"fingers. they entered my asshole. i was almost",
"certain she/he was going to wip out a dick or",
"something so i fucking booked it. i ran 8 blocks",
"home.",
"my parents were awake watching a movie. they",
"asked me how my night was, and why i was sweating",
"and out of breath. i said some drunken words then",
"wandered to bed in the basement. then it",
"happened. the walls, they were moving trying to",
"eat me. so i ran. i ran to the front door. opened",
"it and.... there he was. the fucking lucky charms",
"guy. i was so fucking amused. he was trying to",
"get me to eat his marshmallows but i didn't want",
"to i'm not sure how long i talked to him but i",
"fell to the ground. no other memories of the",
"night. i woke up late in the afternoon. when i",
"talked to my parents they told me. i went up",
"stairs, started yelling at them about some lucky",
"charms guy. i went back downstairs. then 40 mins",
"later when they went to bed i woke them up crying",
"saying there was a turtle in the rice, and he's",
"dieing and he's needs help or something. they",
"knew i want myself, maybe sleepwalking? the next",
"day they found the rice cooker filled with a few",
"cups of rice and a pile of shit. i shit in the",
"rice cooker. that crazy cunt, she put drugs in my",
"asshole."
] |
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] |
but we went back to get place. things get heated, rice cooker. that crazy cunt, she put drugs in my asshole.
|
0 | 3 | 0.5 | 0 |
this actually happened like a year ago and this is a throwaway.
so i've been dating this girl for a while, let's call her g, she's great, funny, beautiful and smart. i really love her and wanted to go serious and arranged a meeting in my house to let my mom met my girlfriend.
so, my girlfriend arrives and everything goes well, they really like each other and they get along (and they still do), everything's going awesome and relieve myself since nothing went grong that day.
fast forward to later that night, it's getting late so i went to drop g at her parents and we talk about how well everything went and how that is really good since we want our parents to be ok with our relationship since it's really serious and important to our lives.
so i head home and my mom receives me anxious to talk about how she feels about g. she actually loved her and is really happy that we found each other.
then it happens.
she starts talking about how cute she is and i feel great, but the last words are still echoing sometimes inside my head when i think i already forgot them.
she says that she looks a lot like her younger sister, i guess she didn't realize the weight of her words but i, being the analytical wierdo that i am, realize something.
g looks like my aunt->my aunt share dna with my mom-> i'm dating someone who might look a little like my mom.
|
my girl met my mothers, mother says she look like her sister, sometimes i still get haunted by this words.
|
letting my mom met my girlfriend
|
[
"this actually happened like a year ago and this is",
"a throwaway.",
"so i've been dating this girl for a while, let's",
"call her g, she's great, funny, beautiful and",
"smart. i really love her and wanted to go serious",
"and arranged a meeting in my house to let my mom",
"met my girlfriend.",
"so, my girlfriend arrives and everything goes",
"well, they really like each other and they get",
"along (and they still do), everything's going",
"awesome and relieve myself since nothing went",
"grong that day.",
"fast forward to later that night, it's getting",
"late so i went to drop g at her parents and we",
"talk about how well everything went and how that",
"is really good since we want our parents to be ok",
"with our relationship since it's really serious",
"and important to our lives.",
"so i head home and my mom receives me anxious to",
"talk about how she feels about g. she actually",
"loved her and is really happy that we found each",
"other.",
"then it happens.",
"she starts talking about how cute she is and i",
"feel great, but the last words are still echoing",
"sometimes inside my head when i think i already",
"forgot them.",
"she says that she looks a lot like her younger",
"sister, i guess she didn't realize the weight of",
"her words but i, being the analytical wierdo that",
"i am, realize something.",
"g looks like my aunt->my aunt share dna with my",
"mom-> i'm dating someone who might look a little",
"like my mom."
] |
[
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] |
met my girlfriend. sometimes inside my head when i think i already she says that she looks a lot like her younger
|
24 | 4 | 0.95 | 24 |
i live in south florida with no car, i walk a whole fucking lot to save money from bus fare. it's all flat ground so pop in headphones and im good. my legs are getting kind of scarily sore sometimes though. the endless flat ground is deceiving.
flash to today where i decided to be a real champ and do a nice 7 mile trek there and back and really my legs are so sore from walking the past three days that i give in and decide to take a bus back.so i see the bus making a right turn to my stop about a quarter block ahead i wave her down, she stopped and so instantly when i started a mini jog bam. charlie horse. leg cramp. bad one. lebron game 1 in san antonio bad. my first reaction was to just stay on one knee, and pitifully wave for her to go on with out me. but she can't see me. i am putting serious effort into getting back up and my leg tangibly won't allow it. not possible. i have no idea what to yell. 'i got a leg cramp' sounded completely odd to scream so i just started saying nevermind nevermind. bus didn't budge. cue pissed off but alerted bus driver getting out the bus and coming to me fairly fast. she thought something serious had happened to me. cause it did sort of look like i was dying. i told her i got a cramp, she said nothing and just walked back to the bus. i then shouted 'i'm coming!' and hobbled my way onto the bus. i don't know what those people could of been thinking. lots of staring.
funny in hindsight, morally crippling as it happened
|
i flagged down a bus ahead of me and got a cramp the second it stopped for me**
|
waving down the bus
|
[
"i live in south florida with no car, i walk a",
"whole fucking lot to save money from bus fare.",
"it's all flat ground so pop in headphones and im",
"good. my legs are getting kind of scarily sore",
"sometimes though. the endless flat ground is",
"deceiving.",
"flash to today where i decided to be a real champ",
"and do a nice 7 mile trek there and back and",
"really my legs are so sore from walking the past",
"three days that i give in and decide to take a",
"bus back.so i see the bus making a right turn to",
"my stop about a quarter block ahead i wave her",
"down, she stopped and so instantly when i started",
"a mini jog bam. charlie horse. leg cramp. bad",
"one. lebron game 1 in san antonio bad. my first",
"reaction was to just stay on one knee, and",
"pitifully wave for her to go on with out me. but",
"she can't see me. i am putting serious effort",
"into getting back up and my leg tangibly won't",
"allow it. not possible. i have no idea what to",
"yell. 'i got a leg cramp' sounded completely odd",
"to scream so i just started saying nevermind",
"nevermind. bus didn't budge. cue pissed off but",
"alerted bus driver getting out the bus and coming",
"to me fairly fast. she thought something serious",
"had happened to me. cause it did sort of look",
"like i was dying. i told her i got a cramp, she",
"said nothing and just walked back to the bus. i",
"then shouted 'i'm coming!' and hobbled my way",
"onto the bus. i don't know what those people",
"could of been thinking. lots of staring.",
"funny in hindsight, morally crippling as it",
"happened"
] |
[
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0
] |
down, she stopped and so instantly when i started like i was dying. i told her i got a cramp, she
|
24 | 15 | 0.74 | 24 |
this actually happened last year, but i figured it fit here. my, now ex, gf lived in new york city while i live in new jersey and, after she slept over, i needed to get her to the train at about 6 am. as i was walking out, with very little time to spare, i felt some grumbling in the tummy. i figured, i am an adult and i can make the 20 minute round trip to the train and back.
i was wrong.
as we are approaching the train i knew what my body was telling me. after basically punting my ex out of the car, i started aggressively speeding back home.
about 3 minutes into the return trip i knew it was go time. i couldn't find any open establishment to unleash in, and then i saw it. a familiar high class italian restaurant that my family frequented. i park on the side of the road, run over, and hopelessly tried their door. no dice, so i then headed for the back of the parking lot.
as i am dropping my pants i couldn't help but let a significant amount drop into my underwear. so as to not to get anymore on me or in my underwear, i grab a hold of the dumpster and lean back (legs forward and asshole leaning backward) and let go of the most vile, gigantic shit i have ever taken right onto the ground.
i now take off the poo filled underwear and try and use some of it to wipe my ass before discarding it, leaving it for whatever poor sole that had to cleanup my disgustingness.
i get home, finally, and jump into the shower with my shorts on (which by no means escaped the wrath of my asshole.) i proceeded to clean my shorts and myself with shower water and tears.
|
tried to bring ex-gf to the train while holding in my shit and shit all over the parking lot of a high class restaurant.
|
thinking i could be an adult and hold my poop
|
[
"this actually happened last year, but i figured it",
"fit here. my, now ex, gf lived in new york city",
"while i live in new jersey and, after she slept",
"over, i needed to get her to the train at about 6",
"am. as i was walking out, with very little time",
"to spare, i felt some grumbling in the tummy. i",
"figured, i am an adult and i can make the 20",
"minute round trip to the train and back.",
"i was wrong.",
"as we are approaching the train i knew what my",
"body was telling me. after basically punting my",
"ex out of the car, i started aggressively",
"speeding back home.",
"about 3 minutes into the return trip i knew it",
"was go time. i couldn't find any open",
"establishment to unleash in, and then i saw it. a",
"familiar high class italian restaurant that my",
"family frequented. i park on the side of the",
"road, run over, and hopelessly tried their door.",
"no dice, so i then headed for the back of the",
"parking lot.",
"as i am dropping my pants i couldn't help but let",
"a significant amount drop into my underwear. so",
"as to not to get anymore on me or in my",
"underwear, i grab a hold of the dumpster and lean",
"back (legs forward and asshole leaning backward)",
"and let go of the most vile, gigantic shit i have",
"ever taken right onto the ground.",
"i now take off the poo filled underwear and try",
"and use some of it to wipe my ass before",
"discarding it, leaving it for whatever poor sole",
"that had to cleanup my disgustingness.",
"i get home, finally, and jump into the shower",
"with my shorts on (which by no means escaped the",
"wrath of my asshole.) i proceeded to clean my",
"shorts and myself with shower water and tears."
] |
[
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] |
minute round trip to the train and back. familiar high class italian restaurant that my parking lot.
|
12 | 1 | 0.88 | 12 |
so background. i'm married and not looking to date. but damn it if i don't laugh at r/tinder. i also occasionally suffer from unpredictable bowels.
anyway, i
1. downloaded tinder to my phone, so not trying to date.
2. just wanted to see if i could do screen grabs of people saying dumb or scandalous things.
3. was going to submit them to r/tinder, then get the popular posts that so elude me.
but guess what, i had the courage to do #1 and #2. but i just couldn't break my moral compass (it's already badly bent, i know) to do #3. so i deleted the app. i just figured i couldn't make fun of people i didn't know. this was about two weeks ago and i forgot all about it.
fast forward to last week. i bought an ipad to do some testing at work. i passed around the ipad to at three co-workers so they could do their various tests.
well, i got back the ipad today and apparently the default for ios photos sharing is yes!!!!!!! arrrrrrgggghhhh!
i clicked on the photos app and what do i see? all the photos of my phone have been copied to the ipad via the cloud. wtf?? intermixed between happy family photos are all these tinder profiles. nothing too naughty, thankfully, but still funky by what these girls on tinder say. also, to top it off, i've been having trouble illustrating to the doctor just how bad my bowel movements can be sometime, so i have about ten photos of the most effed up, jankily foul-splosions you can imagine. i'm talking diarrhea, but all wrong-colored with what looks like sesame seeds in the rarely solid parts and what look like sea monkeys swimming away from the assplosions.
i don't know if any one of the three saw any of it, but if they did accidentally or purposely open the photos app, i don't blame them if they think i'm some kind of scat enthusiast who is cheating on his wife via tinder. i just prefer to think no one is that nosey, but the truth is that i'm now in some quantum schrödinger's cat situation: the poop is both dead and alive. the tinder has been seen and is unseen. i'm still fine and i'm disgusting with no way to explain. but i swear they were looking at me with disgust today...
|
screen-shot funny profiles to post to /r/tinder from my iphone, icloud shared those pics plus pics of my poop to a new ipad loaned to my coworkers.
|
taking screenshots of tinder and my doo doo (nsfw)(nsfl)
|
[
"so background. i'm married and not looking to",
"date. but damn it if i don't laugh at r/tinder. i",
"also occasionally suffer from unpredictable",
"bowels.",
"anyway, i",
"1. downloaded tinder to my phone, so not trying",
"to date.",
"2. just wanted to see if i could do screen grabs",
"of people saying dumb or scandalous things.",
"3. was going to submit them to r/tinder, then get",
"the popular posts that so elude me.",
"but guess what, i had the courage to do #1 and",
"#2. but i just couldn't break my moral compass",
"(it's already badly bent, i know) to do #3. so i",
"deleted the app. i just figured i couldn't make",
"fun of people i didn't know. this was about two",
"weeks ago and i forgot all about it.",
"fast forward to last week. i bought an ipad to do",
"some testing at work. i passed around the ipad to",
"at three co-workers so they could do their",
"various tests.",
"well, i got back the ipad today and apparently",
"the default for ios photos sharing is yes!!!!!!!",
"arrrrrrgggghhhh!",
"i clicked on the photos app and what do i see?",
"all the photos of my phone have been copied to",
"the ipad via the cloud. wtf?? intermixed between",
"happy family photos are all these tinder",
"profiles. nothing too naughty, thankfully, but",
"still funky by what these girls on tinder say.",
"also, to top it off, i've been having trouble",
"illustrating to the doctor just how bad my bowel",
"movements can be sometime, so i have about ten",
"photos of the most effed up, jankily",
"foul-splosions you can imagine. i'm talking",
"diarrhea, but all wrong-colored with what looks",
"like sesame seeds in the rarely solid parts and",
"what look like sea monkeys swimming away from the",
"assplosions.",
"i don't know if any one of the three saw any of",
"it, but if they did accidentally or purposely",
"open the photos app, i don't blame them if they",
"think i'm some kind of scat enthusiast who is",
"cheating on his wife via tinder. i just prefer",
"to think no one is that nosey, but the truth is",
"that i'm now in some quantum schrödinger's cat",
"situation: the poop is both dead and alive. the",
"tinder has been seen and is unseen. i'm still",
"fine and i'm disgusting with no way to explain.",
"but i swear they were looking at me with disgust",
"today..."
] |
[
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] |
also occasionally suffer from unpredictable 3. was going to submit them to r/tinder, then get all the photos of my phone have been copied to profiles. nothing too naughty, thankfully, but
|
0 | 0 | 0.5 | 0 |
this happened last week. it begins with me getting into an accident at the gym resulting in severely and rapidly bending my back (yeah, tifu by almost snapping my spine in half: an ambulance was called, a crowd formed, reports were filed, etc.; probably a bigger tifu than this one to be honest). i'm eventually able to get up and walk so i try resting it off but the pain is worse in the morning so i see a doctor who refers me to the emergency department of the local hospital.
it's important to note that this is a public metropolitan hospital for which medical bills are fully paid for by the federal government. it can get very very busy with huge waiting times.
probably due to the neck pain/stiffness, the seriousness of the accident and the worsening symptoms, i get triaged in fairly quickly. i get assessed by a physio and a doctor who decide that they don't want me walking around lest i further damage my spine and paralyse myself so they put me in a collar and make me lie flat on a bed while i wait in line for an x-ray and ct scan.
so there i am, patiently reading my book (a very awkward and arm tiring process might i add), while my bladder slowly fills up with all the water i had drank in the morning. i start doing a mental cost benefit analysis between the discomfort of having a full bladder and the effort needed (given my current situation) to empty it, when a spot for the ct scanner machine frees up.
i get whisked off to the scanner all the while my bladder is starting to feel the strain of its fullness. they tell me to hold still for 5 minutes while they do the scan which for some reason is really hard to do when you really need to pee. i tell the nurses there that i really need to go to the toilet, to which they tell me that they'll get someone on it.
after a small time, the most beautiful thing i'd seen all day walks into my cubicle: a nurse in their early/mid 20s with perfect skin, a cute face and beautiful brown eyes. he's holding something that looks like [this](http://img.medicalexpo.com/images_me/photo-m2/stainless-steel-urinal-man-horizontal-70335-4071935.jpg). i'm really thrown off by this device, and i've been turned into a nervous wreck at the sheer beauty of this man so all i can get out is:
"i... uh... don't understand."
he inserts his sexy finger into the bottle and says:
"you put your penis in here. you can use the blanket to cover up if you want some privacy."
and pulls my blanket up to cover me.
my back hurts when i try to bend it and i can't look down to see what's happening (because of the collar) so it's a bit of a struggle to get my shorts/briefs off and the bottle into position. he looks to be getting a bit impatient so i say:
"i... i don't know if i've done this right."
the blanket must have come off in my struggle because he responds with:
"it's in. use this button to call me when you're done."
then closes the curtains and leaves.
it's very difficult to pee in this position; the hydraulic head difference between the bladder and the penis is just not conducive to urine flow. there's also probably some psychological barrier against peeing while you're fully clothed in bed covered by a blanket.
i spend several minutes unsuccessfully trying to go when the physio and doctor from earlier come in with the test results. i've got the most ridiculous grin while they're being all serious telling me the results because under the blanket i've got my shorts down, dick in a bottle, trying to piss.
anyway, it turns out there were no neck problems so they're happy to remove the collar and let me walk by myself. when the physio/doctor leave, they leave the curtains wide open. obviously the first thing i want to do is walk to the toilet.
as i struggle to pull my shorts up i somehow manage to shoot the bottle out from under my legs which then ricochets into the wall and crashes to the ground, making a loud clanging that every conscious person in the emergency department would have heard.
i can see the hot nurse in the distance turn his head in my direction. my bladder feels like it's about to burst though so i ignore the bottle and get up to look for a toilet. i can imagine what must be going through his mind:
"what the fuck? this guy just pissed in a bottle and threw it onto the ground for me to clean up! what an entitled dick!"
when i get back i can't find the bottle anywhere. the hot nurse must have come to check out the (presumed) mess while i was gone and collected the bottle before i got back. to make matters worse, i had to get the physio to tie my shoe laces for me before i left (back problems, man!). i really hope the nurse didn't see that.
|
: i was immobolised in a hospital bed and needed to pee. a hot nurse brings a pee bottle for me. i make the hot nurse look at my dick and then embarrass myself in front of him.
|
making a hot nurse look at my dick (possibly nsfw)
|
[
"this happened last week. it begins with me getting",
"into an accident at the gym resulting in severely",
"and rapidly bending my back (yeah, tifu by almost",
"snapping my spine in half: an ambulance was",
"called, a crowd formed, reports were filed, etc.;",
"probably a bigger tifu than this one to be",
"honest). i'm eventually able to get up and walk",
"so i try resting it off but the pain is worse in",
"the morning so i see a doctor who refers me to",
"the emergency department of the local hospital.",
"it's important to note that this is a public",
"metropolitan hospital for which medical bills are",
"fully paid for by the federal government. it can",
"get very very busy with huge waiting times.",
"probably due to the neck pain/stiffness, the",
"seriousness of the accident and the worsening",
"symptoms, i get triaged in fairly quickly. i get",
"assessed by a physio and a doctor who decide that",
"they don't want me walking around lest i further",
"damage my spine and paralyse myself so they put",
"me in a collar and make me lie flat on a bed",
"while i wait in line for an x-ray and ct scan.",
"so there i am, patiently reading my book (a very",
"awkward and arm tiring process might i add),",
"while my bladder slowly fills up with all the",
"water i had drank in the morning. i start doing a",
"mental cost benefit analysis between the",
"discomfort of having a full bladder and the",
"effort needed (given my current situation) to",
"empty it, when a spot for the ct scanner machine",
"frees up.",
"i get whisked off to the scanner all the while my",
"bladder is starting to feel the strain of its",
"fullness. they tell me to hold still for 5",
"minutes while they do the scan which for some",
"reason is really hard to do when you really need",
"to pee. i tell the nurses there that i really",
"need to go to the toilet, to which they tell me",
"that they'll get someone on it.",
"after a small time, the most beautiful thing i'd",
"seen all day walks into my cubicle: a nurse in",
"their early/mid 20s with perfect skin, a cute",
"face and beautiful brown eyes. he's holding",
"something that looks like",
"[this](http://img.medicalexpo.com/images_me/photo",
"-m2/stainless-steel-urinal-man-horizontal-70335-40",
"71935.jpg).",
"i'm really thrown off by this device, and i've",
"been turned into a nervous wreck at the sheer",
"beauty of this man so all i can get out is:",
"\"i... uh... don't understand.\"",
"he inserts his sexy finger into the bottle and",
"says:",
"\"you put your penis in here. you can use the",
"blanket to cover up if you want some privacy.\"",
"and pulls my blanket up to cover me.",
"my back hurts when i try to bend it and i can't",
"look down to see what's happening (because of the",
"collar) so it's a bit of a struggle to get my",
"shorts/briefs off and the bottle into position.",
"he looks to be getting a bit impatient so i say:",
"\"i... i don't know if i've done this right.\"",
"the blanket must have come off in my struggle",
"because he responds with:",
"\"it's in. use this button to call me when you're",
"done.\"",
"then closes the curtains and leaves.",
"it's very difficult to pee in this position; the",
"hydraulic head difference between the bladder and",
"the penis is just not conducive to urine flow.",
"there's also probably some psychological barrier",
"against peeing while you're fully clothed in bed",
"covered by a blanket.",
"i spend several minutes unsuccessfully trying to",
"go when the physio and doctor from earlier come",
"in with the test results. i've got the most",
"ridiculous grin while they're being all serious",
"telling me the results because under the blanket",
"i've got my shorts down, dick in a bottle, trying",
"to piss.",
"anyway, it turns out there were no neck problems",
"so they're happy to remove the collar and let me",
"walk by myself. when the physio/doctor leave,",
"they leave the curtains wide open. obviously the",
"first thing i want to do is walk to the toilet.",
"as i struggle to pull my shorts up i somehow",
"manage to shoot the bottle out from under my legs",
"which then ricochets into the wall and crashes to",
"the ground, making a loud clanging that every",
"conscious person in the emergency department",
"would have heard.",
"i can see the hot nurse in the distance turn his",
"head in my direction. my bladder feels like it's",
"about to burst though so i ignore the bottle and",
"get up to look for a toilet. i can imagine what",
"must be going through his mind:",
"\"what the fuck? this guy just pissed in a bottle",
"and threw it onto the ground for me to clean up!",
"what an entitled dick!\"",
"when i get back i can't find the bottle anywhere.",
"the hot nurse must have come to check out the",
"(presumed) mess while i was gone and collected",
"the bottle before i got back. to make matters",
"worse, i had to get the physio to tie my shoe",
"laces for me before i left (back problems, man!).",
"i really hope the nurse didn't see that."
] |
[
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me in a collar and make me lie flat on a bed look down to see what's happening (because of the i've got my shorts down, dick in a bottle, trying i can see the hot nurse in the distance turn his
|
2 | 1 | 0.76 | 2 |
this happened a few years ago. around my freshman year of highschool i basically decided i was no longer religious, however, i went a little extreme with the whole thing. i set my email as a normal address (thankfully) but for some reason decided my name should be "jesus christ". i was a goddamn idiot.
fast forward a few months and i'm volunteering at a hospital as part of a program. one day the director emails (she emailed often) and i happened to notice the names. chelsea... alex... mark...jesus christ...samantha...
i fucking died laughing when i saw that. and then i went into full oh fuck mode when i realized that was my email. side note, the director is an extremely religious 60-some black woman.
cue profuse apologies from me, thankfully she took it kind of well.
|
set email name to jesus, was emailing elderly black lady with that name, very grateful i didn't include profanity in the name...
|
having cringeworthy tween humor
|
[
"this happened a few years ago. around my freshman",
"year of highschool i basically decided i was no",
"longer religious, however, i went a little",
"extreme with the whole thing. i set my email as a",
"normal address (thankfully) but for some reason",
"decided my name should be \"jesus christ\". i was a",
"goddamn idiot.",
"fast forward a few months and i'm volunteering at",
"a hospital as part of a program. one day the",
"director emails (she emailed often) and i",
"happened to notice the names. chelsea... alex...",
"mark...jesus christ...samantha...",
"i fucking died laughing when i saw that. and then",
"i went into full oh fuck mode when i realized",
"that was my email. side note, the director is an",
"extremely religious 60-some black woman.",
"cue profuse apologies from me, thankfully she",
"took it kind of well."
] |
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] |
extreme with the whole thing. i set my email as a decided my name should be "jesus christ". i was a
|
6 | 3 | 0.68 | 6 |
let me start by saying that i am a moron or so it would appear.
so i go to a rather small school, where everyone knows everyone. we are a school known for being good at sports but not strong in the academics. i had been making rather small talk with this girl named, lets call her sarah, in the grade beneath me for a week or two during one of our classes. this was a feat in itself seeing as i had an inability of talking to girls that i had a thing for. things seemed to be going rather well between us, but our conversations never lasted more than a minute at best. coming into tonight, i was feeling rather confident in myself. this confidence caused me to royally fuck up.
this brings us to tonight. we had a basketball game up at the school, and it was against our rivals. our rivals school is thought of as the most prestigious academic school in the state and they are rather good at basketball. we needed to beat this team in order to be in good standing to make the playoffs. this was a monumental game to say the least. not only did i our team to win this game to help make the playoffs, i wanted to win this game so we could shove it down their snobby-nosed, arrogant little throats.
i found myself in the first row of the student section sitting next to the lovely sarah. we made some more small talk and i actually think she is flirting with me a little bit. this makes my confidence soar through the roof. the game is everything a sports fan could hope it would be. we went back and fourth trading baskets with the other team, and the game was really close. as a student section we were loud, proud, and hurling insults at the opposing student section. at half time, we were up by a couple of buckets and sarah and i continued talking. at this point, i have completely convinced myself that she is totally into me.
as the game is nearing its end, we are down by a point with 6 seconds left on the clock. we call a timeout, and during this timeout the gym is so quiet, you could hear a pin drop in the next county. we are anxious and so are they. we in bound the ball and their defense suffocates our offense and all seems lost. we throw the ball aimlessly down the court and one of our bigger players catches the ball just outside the three point line and throws up a prayer of a shot. what only took probably 2 seconds seemed like an eternity. the ball slowly rotated through the air, the buzzer sounds, and to our deep, deep satisfaction, the ball clangs off the back of the rim and falls through the net.
we go absolutely bat shit crazy. i turn to sarah, and with all the confidence i have, i lean forward to kiss her in pure ecstasy. my eyes are closed and i'm anticipating her sweet, soft lips being firmly planted on mine. the noise of the crowd drowns out as my ears are filled with two words: "shit no". instead of feeling those supple, delicious lips, all i feel is the imprint of a palm and fingers on my face. i open my eyes to see sarah look at me with disgust and turning to walk away. i can't even manage a word. immediately, i look around to see if anyone else noticed. as i look around, it appears as if everyone else has stormed the court and didn't seem to notice except for a few of her friends. my best friend is staring at me, laughing his balls off.
i'm not sure what to do now. seeing as sarah is rather popular, everyone in the school will surely know by monday morning. should i text her and apologize and tell her i got caught in the moment? or should i just never speak to her again and let it just play out?
|
i tried to kiss a girl after a basketball game and got slapped in the face.
|
trying to steal a kiss
|
[
"let me start by saying that i am a moron or so it",
"would appear.",
"so i go to a rather small school, where everyone",
"knows everyone. we are a school known for being",
"good at sports but not strong in the academics. i",
"had been making rather small talk with this girl",
"named, lets call her sarah, in the grade beneath",
"me for a week or two during one of our classes.",
"this was a feat in itself seeing as i had an",
"inability of talking to girls that i had a thing",
"for. things seemed to be going rather well",
"between us, but our conversations never lasted",
"more than a minute at best. coming into tonight,",
"i was feeling rather confident in myself. this",
"confidence caused me to royally fuck up.",
"this brings us to tonight. we had a basketball",
"game up at the school, and it was against our",
"rivals. our rivals school is thought of as the",
"most prestigious academic school in the state and",
"they are rather good at basketball. we needed to",
"beat this team in order to be in good standing to",
"make the playoffs. this was a monumental game to",
"say the least. not only did i our team to win",
"this game to help make the playoffs, i wanted to",
"win this game so we could shove it down their",
"snobby-nosed, arrogant little throats.",
"i found myself in the first row of the student",
"section sitting next to the lovely sarah. we made",
"some more small talk and i actually think she is",
"flirting with me a little bit. this makes my",
"confidence soar through the roof. the game is",
"everything a sports fan could hope it would be.",
"we went back and fourth trading baskets with the",
"other team, and the game was really close. as a",
"student section we were loud, proud, and hurling",
"insults at the opposing student section. at half",
"time, we were up by a couple of buckets and sarah",
"and i continued talking. at this point, i have",
"completely convinced myself that she is totally",
"into me.",
"as the game is nearing its end, we are down by a",
"point with 6 seconds left on the clock. we call a",
"timeout, and during this timeout the gym is so",
"quiet, you could hear a pin drop in the next",
"county. we are anxious and so are they. we in",
"bound the ball and their defense suffocates our",
"offense and all seems lost. we throw the ball",
"aimlessly down the court and one of our bigger",
"players catches the ball just outside the three",
"point line and throws up a prayer of a shot. what",
"only took probably 2 seconds seemed like an",
"eternity. the ball slowly rotated through the",
"air, the buzzer sounds, and to our deep, deep",
"satisfaction, the ball clangs off the back of the",
"rim and falls through the net.",
"we go absolutely bat shit crazy. i turn to sarah,",
"and with all the confidence i have, i lean",
"forward to kiss her in pure ecstasy. my eyes are",
"closed and i'm anticipating her sweet, soft lips",
"being firmly planted on mine. the noise of the",
"crowd drowns out as my ears are filled with two",
"words: \"shit no\". instead of feeling those",
"supple, delicious lips, all i feel is the imprint",
"of a palm and fingers on my face. i open my eyes",
"to see sarah look at me with disgust and turning",
"to walk away. i can't even manage a word.",
"immediately, i look around to see if anyone else",
"noticed. as i look around, it appears as if",
"everyone else has stormed the court and didn't",
"seem to notice except for a few of her friends.",
"my best friend is staring at me, laughing his",
"balls off.",
"i'm not sure what to do now. seeing as sarah is",
"rather popular, everyone in the school will",
"surely know by monday morning. should i text her",
"and apologize and tell her i got caught in the",
"moment? or should i just never speak to her again",
"and let it just play out?"
] |
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] |
this brings us to tonight. we had a basketball and apologize and tell her i got caught in the
|
5 | 3 | 1 | 5 |
background information: i work in a call centre. a debt recovery company. the department i work in is television licensing. yes. our country, uk, has to pay £145.50 annually to watch tv. people who have missed their payments gets their account passed over to us and we hunt them down for what they owe.
so i received an inbound call (call coming in just in case) and our system doesn't tell is who's exactly ringing is so we open the call like this: "hello you're through to 'insert name' at 'insert company.' can i please take your file reference number please?' the file reference is found on s letter we sent them. but not this one.
this call had some guy go ape shit crazy. as soon as i had finished talking he shouted "i want your company to stop fucking calling me. i don't want to pay for my license. now piss off"
obviously it's within my company policy to not give shit to the customer so i politely said "sorry to hear about that. could i just take your number down so i could bring your account on my screen?" and then for two minutes he kept saying to remove his number from our company, he doesn't want to pay, were harassing him etc. and every time i'm advising him that i can't bring up his account unless he tells me his number. then he shouts at me "just remove my fucking number from your company you fucking pakistani c**t."
this is where i lost my shit and shouted at him down the phone "i can't remove your number from our system unless you give me your fucking number for fuck sakes. how many times do i have to fucking tell you!?"
this was within ear shot of 5 people which included my team manager who all looked at me in shock and my manager ended up pulling me aside after i hung up and i had a verbal warning. the only reason why i didn't get fired was because i'm fairly new so it's my first experience.
|
customer went ape shit at me. i went into ape shit at him. got in shit with my manager and company.
|
swearing at a customer over the phone.
|
[
"background information: i work in a call centre. a",
"debt recovery company. the department i work in",
"is television licensing. yes. our country, uk,",
"has to pay £145.50 annually to watch tv. people",
"who have missed their payments gets their account",
"passed over to us and we hunt them down for what",
"they owe.",
"so i received an inbound call (call coming in",
"just in case) and our system doesn't tell is",
"who's exactly ringing is so we open the call like",
"this: \"hello you're through to 'insert name' at",
"'insert company.' can i please take your file",
"reference number please?' the file reference is",
"found on s letter we sent them. but not this one.",
"this call had some guy go ape shit crazy. as soon",
"as i had finished talking he shouted \"i want your",
"company to stop fucking calling me. i don't want",
"to pay for my license. now piss off\"",
"obviously it's within my company policy to not",
"give shit to the customer so i politely said",
"\"sorry to hear about that. could i just take your",
"number down so i could bring your account on my",
"screen?\" and then for two minutes he kept saying",
"to remove his number from our company, he doesn't",
"want to pay, were harassing him etc. and every",
"time i'm advising him that i can't bring up his",
"account unless he tells me his number. then he",
"shouts at me \"just remove my fucking number from",
"your company you fucking pakistani c**t.\"",
"this is where i lost my shit and shouted at him",
"down the phone \"i can't remove your number from",
"our system unless you give me your fucking number",
"for fuck sakes. how many times do i have to",
"fucking tell you!?\"",
"this was within ear shot of 5 people which",
"included my team manager who all looked at me in",
"shock and my manager ended up pulling me aside",
"after i hung up and i had a verbal warning. the",
"only reason why i didn't get fired was because",
"i'm fairly new so it's my first experience."
] |
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this is where i lost my shit and shouted at him included my team manager who all looked at me in
|
22 | 2 | 0.93 | 22 |
this actually happened between christmas and new years 2014.
so some context we are finishing our basement and a leaking hose on his air compressor. also my wife is pregnant and has a very bad case of the flu so she can not take anything for it.
so it was 11:30 at night and i am looking down the basement stairs when i hear the compressor kick on. so i hauled ass to right quickly down the stairs to shut it off before it woke up my 4 year old son. as i turn the bend and start running down the stairs i hear [the cat's litter box explode](http://035313a.netsolhost.com/purringpost/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/domed-litter-box.jpg) side to side as one of out cats terrified at the sound of the compressor and the shaking and loud noise of me running at full speed down the stairs towards him. he nope the fuck out and shot like a rocket up the stairs and i could not contain my laughing as i turned off the compressor. i finish the night out by staying up to 1:30 am playing games with my brother.
fast forward to about 7 am (slightly light out) and i wake up to the cat pestering me. so i push him over and tell him to go back to sleep and i close my eyes and nod back off to sleep. not to long later i hear him rustling with the sheet again and i pushed him over again and close my eyes. i am not quite out when my wife says "why is my back warm.", followed quickly by "and wet!". instantly i knew what happened even before she uttered out "and wet". we both rolled out of bed (a sleep number bed) and the urine that was flowing seconds before to my pregnant flu suffering wife is now pooling on the cats feet and he lets out a long sad and mournful meow[(like this but about 20 seconds long)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pm5bcjnswd0). it was like he was saying "i made a terrible mistake". he finished and i had to then give him a bath, move his letterbox to our bedroom and he will no longer go near the basement.
|
laughed at my terrified cat, now his shitter is in my room and he does not flush or light a match.
|
laughing at my cat
|
[
"this actually happened between christmas and new",
"years 2014.",
"so some context we are finishing our basement and",
"a leaking hose on his air compressor. also my",
"wife is pregnant and has a very bad case of the",
"flu so she can not take anything for it.",
"so it was 11:30 at night and i am looking down",
"the basement stairs when i hear the compressor",
"kick on. so i hauled ass to right quickly down",
"the stairs to shut it off before it woke up my 4",
"year old son. as i turn the bend and start",
"running down the stairs i hear [the cat's litter",
"box",
"explode](http://035313a.netsolhost.com/purringpos",
"t/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/domed-litter-box.jpg)",
"side to side as one of out cats terrified at the",
"sound of the compressor and the shaking and loud",
"noise of me running at full speed down the stairs",
"towards him. he nope the fuck out and shot like a",
"rocket up the stairs and i could not contain my",
"laughing as i turned off the compressor. i finish",
"the night out by staying up to 1:30 am playing",
"games with my brother.",
"fast forward to about 7 am (slightly light out)",
"and i wake up to the cat pestering me. so i push",
"him over and tell him to go back to sleep and i",
"close my eyes and nod back off to sleep. not to",
"long later i hear him rustling with the sheet",
"again and i pushed him over again and close my",
"eyes. i am not quite out when my wife says \"why",
"is my back warm.\", followed quickly by \"and",
"wet!\". instantly i knew what happened even before",
"she uttered out \"and wet\". we both rolled out of",
"bed (a sleep number bed) and the urine that was",
"flowing seconds before to my pregnant flu",
"suffering wife is now pooling on the cats feet",
"and he lets out a long sad and mournful",
"meow[(like this but about 20 seconds",
"long)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pm5bcjnswd",
"0).",
"it was like he was saying \"i made a terrible",
"mistake\". he finished and i had to then give him",
"a bath, move his letterbox to our bedroom and he",
"will no longer go near the basement."
] |
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is my back warm.", followed quickly by "and a bath, move his letterbox to our bedroom and he
|
6 | 5 | 0.9 | 6 |
so its my last night at home before my train tomorrow, and i decided to wash all the clothes i brought with me (only had one small piece of luggage so it could all fit). so im in the basement, keeping an eye on the two dogs since im down there anyways and so they dont have to go in their kennels yet. felt a little wierd being naked around animals but whatever, they're naked too i told myself. all my clothes even the ones i was wearing are still currently being washed and as i just returned to the table with my laptop on it i leaned forward slightly to resume the youtube video i was watching.
dogs sniff butts.
this one had a wiskery mustache.
|
learned what mustaches feel like up in my butt crack: not good
|
being naked around a dog.
|
[
"so its my last night at home before my train",
"tomorrow, and i decided to wash all the clothes i",
"brought with me (only had one small piece of",
"luggage so it could all fit). so im in the",
"basement, keeping an eye on the two dogs since im",
"down there anyways and so they dont have to go in",
"their kennels yet. felt a little wierd being",
"naked around animals but whatever, they're naked",
"too i told myself. all my clothes even the ones i",
"was wearing are still currently being washed and",
"as i just returned to the table with my laptop on",
"it i leaned forward slightly to resume the",
"youtube video i was watching.",
"dogs sniff butts.",
"this one had a wiskery mustache."
] |
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so its my last night at home before my train luggage so it could all fit). so im in the
|
1 | 4 | 0.54 | 1 |
this happened long ago when i was in 3rd grade or so. there was this annoying white girl that always tried to annoy us by trying to kiss me and my friends. unfortunately, she's straight bye felicia type of chick, so we were totally not interested.
well during the cinco de mayo festival at my school, i'm having a jolly grand time with my friends, playing festival games and winning tickets and toys and stuff. felicia decides to try hanging out with us, but we told her to get lost because she was just dumb. skip a half hour ahead, and as my friend and i are enjoying ourselves, the principal walks over to us with felicia and asks, "sharehappyness did you try to kiss felicia against her will?" i was just so astounded that i made the dopiest face imaginable. as if i had just walked into a room, and saw the real iron throne levels of shock.
obviously, i denied all charges, but felicia kept accusing me. it was totally a he said she said thing, but luckily my friend backed me up. still, the principal didn't totally believe my friend and i because the possibility that a girl would be the aggressor and act so frivolously was just incomprehensible to him. thankfully, all he did was just tell us not to do it again, and walked away. fucking felicia had the gall to stick her tongue out at us as she walked away with him. what a bitch.
that incident totally ruined my day, and as i was playing some kickball later that day, i was still hella mad and kicked the ball really hard. unfortunately, the angle of my foot hit the ball in such a way that the ball hit my face hard and i fell down and hit my head. my head got a gash and i think i got a slight concussion, and i was sent home.
|
annoying girl that always tried to kiss me accuses me instead of trying to kiss her, tells the principal on me, i get in trouble, and proceed to give myself a concussion by kicking myself in the face with a ball. fucking felicia.
|
getting mad at a girl
|
[
"this happened long ago when i was in 3rd grade or",
"so. there was this annoying white girl that",
"always tried to annoy us by trying to kiss me and",
"my friends. unfortunately, she's straight bye",
"felicia type of chick, so we were totally not",
"interested.",
"well during the cinco de mayo festival at my",
"school, i'm having a jolly grand time with my",
"friends, playing festival games and winning",
"tickets and toys and stuff. felicia decides to",
"try hanging out with us, but we told her to get",
"lost because she was just dumb. skip a half hour",
"ahead, and as my friend and i are enjoying",
"ourselves, the principal walks over to us with",
"felicia and asks, \"sharehappyness did you try to",
"kiss felicia against her will?\" i was just so",
"astounded that i made the dopiest face",
"imaginable. as if i had just walked into a room,",
"and saw the real iron throne levels of shock.",
"obviously, i denied all charges, but felicia kept",
"accusing me. it was totally a he said she said",
"thing, but luckily my friend backed me up. still,",
"the principal didn't totally believe my friend",
"and i because the possibility that a girl would",
"be the aggressor and act so frivolously was just",
"incomprehensible to him. thankfully, all he did",
"was just tell us not to do it again, and walked",
"away. fucking felicia had the gall to stick her",
"tongue out at us as she walked away with him.",
"what a bitch.",
"that incident totally ruined my day, and as i was",
"playing some kickball later that day, i was still",
"hella mad and kicked the ball really hard.",
"unfortunately, the angle of my foot hit the ball",
"in such a way that the ball hit my face hard and",
"i fell down and hit my head. my head got a gash",
"and i think i got a slight concussion, and i was",
"sent home."
] |
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so. there was this annoying white girl that always tried to annoy us by trying to kiss me and ourselves, the principal walks over to us with away. fucking felicia had the gall to stick her and i think i got a slight concussion, and i was
|
1 | 0 | 0.66 | 1 |
as per many posts here this did not happen today but a couple of days ago. first i'll start with some background. i work at a big retail store in the u.s, i won't say where but for those who do work there, you'll know what store i'm talking about in the story. so let's start with who's involved: there's me, my coworker we'll call o( don't wanna say his name), my shift lead e, who was a loss prevention worker at another store, other shift lead b, other coworker l, and a thief we'll call 8.
so for those who work in the store we had a massive code 8, for those who don't code 8 is called when we get someone who's causing a big scene or is caught stealing, we kick them out.
so it's about 10:30 and we're close to closing time. i'm finishing up in the photo department when i hear b call a code 8 through the walkie. so as i hear this i briskly walk to the entrance when out of nowhere i see l run to the door and i see her get pushed aside by 8. 8 crashes into the door and runs out. now i run to the entrance in time to see him running down the block. i stand there wondering what to do when e shows up. i ask her," what do we do? do we chase?" that's when she says that 8 has about 100+ dollars in merch, not only that he pushed l. so, i don't know how, but like an olympic sprinter i take off and catch up to him despite that he's more than half the block down. i get to the corner in time to see him run into an alley. so i'm standing there and e shows up with o. i look at her and say what do we do? she hands me her pepper spray and we decide to go in. as we walk in slowly i see o walk around and i lead. i hear o scream out, "hey what the fuck?!" so i go back around in time to see 8 running and o push him into a car. 8 stumbles over and keeps running. so now it's me and o chasing him. here's my fuck up.i have pepper spray in my hand, we're all running. i literally cannot physics and spray it. it hits 8, i see him keep running. it hits o, i see him stop and rub his eyes. it hits me. i feel my eyes start to burn and my lips tingle. i catch up to 8 and grab him. tell him to let go of the stuff. he's screaming it's his. i call bull and say it's ours.
relevant to the story as soon as 8 ran out of the store a local security group saw us in their car and followed us. they arrived as soon as i grabbed 8. so they cuff the guy and we call the police. while we wait i'm struggling to keep my eyes open while o is off in the distance screamin, "anybody got some water!!!!!!" police show up we explain, go back to the store and we let the guy on the condition he doesn't come back.
|
dont spray pepper spray while your running.
|
getting pepper sprayed.
|
[
"as per many posts here this did not happen today",
"but a couple of days ago. first i'll start with",
"some background. i work at a big retail store in",
"the u.s, i won't say where but for those who do",
"work there, you'll know what store i'm talking",
"about in the story. so let's start with who's",
"involved: there's me, my coworker we'll call o(",
"don't wanna say his name), my shift lead e, who",
"was a loss prevention worker at another store,",
"other shift lead b, other coworker l, and a thief",
"we'll call 8.",
"so for those who work in the store we had a",
"massive code 8, for those who don't code 8 is",
"called when we get someone who's causing a big",
"scene or is caught stealing, we kick them out.",
"so it's about 10:30 and we're close to closing",
"time. i'm finishing up in the photo department",
"when i hear b call a code 8 through the walkie.",
"so as i hear this i briskly walk to the entrance",
"when out of nowhere i see l run to the door and i",
"see her get pushed aside by 8. 8 crashes into the",
"door and runs out. now i run to the entrance in",
"time to see him running down the block. i stand",
"there wondering what to do when e shows up. i ask",
"her,\" what do we do? do we chase?\" that's when",
"she says that 8 has about 100+ dollars in merch,",
"not only that he pushed l. so, i don't know how,",
"but like an olympic sprinter i take off and catch",
"up to him despite that he's more than half the",
"block down. i get to the corner in time to see",
"him run into an alley. so i'm standing there and",
"e shows up with o. i look at her and say what do",
"we do? she hands me her pepper spray and we",
"decide to go in. as we walk in slowly i see o",
"walk around and i lead. i hear o scream out, \"hey",
"what the fuck?!\" so i go back around in time to",
"see 8 running and o push him into a car. 8",
"stumbles over and keeps running. so now it's me",
"and o chasing him. here's my fuck up.i have",
"pepper spray in my hand, we're all running. i",
"literally cannot physics and spray it. it hits 8,",
"i see him keep running. it hits o, i see him stop",
"and rub his eyes. it hits me. i feel my eyes",
"start to burn and my lips tingle. i catch up to 8",
"and grab him. tell him to let go of the stuff.",
"he's screaming it's his. i call bull and say it's",
"ours.",
"relevant to the story as soon as 8 ran out of the",
"store a local security group saw us in their car",
"and followed us. they arrived as soon as i",
"grabbed 8. so they cuff the guy and we call the",
"police. while we wait i'm struggling to keep my",
"eyes open while o is off in the distance",
"screamin, \"anybody got some water!!!!!!\" police",
"show up we explain, go back to the store and we",
"let the guy on the condition he doesn't come",
"back."
] |
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pepper spray in my hand, we're all running. i
|
74 | 48 | 0.84 | 74 |
well, really yesterday i fucked up...
we were watching a history documentary, cuddling on his bed, and how things always work out, things started getting hot.
after some wonderful foreplay and the removal of clothes he say to me, "close your eyes, i want to try something new." but in my stupid aroused mind i heard, "i want to try some lube." so there i am, laying down with my eyes closed when i feel it. his penis touched my face.
so thinking that he was just trying to reach over me to get the lube that i *thought* he was getting, and thinking that it was an accident i open my eyes and start laughing. more out of surprise than anything because, well, a penis touched my face and i wasn't expecting it.
turns out it wasn't an accident and he didn't think it was funny at all. his mood (as well as his erection) completely deflated.
edit: my top post so far, thank you guys for enjoying other people's misery so much. also, boyfriend has reddit, and i'm waiting for him to come across this.
|
-boyfriend wanted to try something new, i misheard and laughed at his penis when it touched my face.
|
laughing at my boyfriends penis.
|
[
"well, really yesterday i fucked up...",
"we were watching a history documentary, cuddling",
"on his bed, and how things always work out,",
"things started getting hot.",
"after some wonderful foreplay and the removal of",
"clothes he say to me, \"close your eyes, i want to",
"try something new.\" but in my stupid aroused mind",
"i heard, \"i want to try some lube.\" so there i",
"am, laying down with my eyes closed when i feel",
"it. his penis touched my face.",
"so thinking that he was just trying to reach over",
"me to get the lube that i *thought* he was",
"getting, and thinking that it was an accident i",
"open my eyes and start laughing. more out of",
"surprise than anything because, well, a penis",
"touched my face and i wasn't expecting it.",
"turns out it wasn't an accident and he didn't",
"think it was funny at all. his mood (as well as",
"his erection) completely deflated.",
"edit: my top post so far, thank you guys for",
"enjoying other people's misery so much. also,",
"boyfriend has reddit, and i'm waiting for him to",
"come across this."
] |
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try something new." but in my stupid aroused mind it. his penis touched my face.
|
3 | 1 | 0.75 | 3 |
this happened to me this morning. for weeks, i've been working on this massive compound on my minecraft world, i was filling up my moat, when my back started to hurt. natural reaction, i go to crack my back and manage to some how fuck my shoulder up. i think, i pinched a nerve or pinched my shoulder muscle with my shoulder blade. i have learned since this morning, that getting up off a couch, taking clothes off and driving a stick shift is extremely pain with a gimpy right shoulder. i'm stuck to being a lazy bum, with a majority of my hobbies being completely thrown out the window for a few days.
|
i cracked my back playing minecraft and screwed my shoulder up.
|
playing minecraft
|
[
"this happened to me this morning. for weeks, i've",
"been working on this massive compound on my",
"minecraft world, i was filling up my moat, when",
"my back started to hurt. natural reaction, i go",
"to crack my back and manage to some how fuck my",
"shoulder up. i think, i pinched a nerve or",
"pinched my shoulder muscle with my shoulder",
"blade. i have learned since this morning, that",
"getting up off a couch, taking clothes off and",
"driving a stick shift is extremely pain with a",
"gimpy right shoulder. i'm stuck to being a lazy",
"bum, with a majority of my hobbies being",
"completely thrown out the window for a few days."
] |
[
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] |
to crack my back and manage to some how fuck my shoulder up. i think, i pinched a nerve or
|
12 | 1 | 0.92 | 12 |
1. its more of me listening to them talk to each other than talk to me
2. "why don't you buy a house?!"
3. dad talks about how much he lost at the casino this weekend
4. mother talks about her eventual death non-chalantly
5. something else about money and how i am not managing it/don't have enough yet/what i should do with what i have
6. "you should really own a house though. back in the 60s when i bought my house it was only a nickel"
7. incoherent screaming at each other/servers/parking attendants
8. mother drops the phone into her lap because she sees cops
|
don't call my parents
|
calling my parents.
|
[
"1. its more of me listening to them talk to each",
"other than talk to me",
"2. \"why don't you buy a house?!\"",
"3. dad talks about how much he lost at the casino",
"this weekend",
"4. mother talks about her eventual death",
"non-chalantly",
"5. something else about money and how i am not",
"managing it/don't have enough yet/what i should",
"do with what i have",
"6. \"you should really own a house though. back in",
"the 60s when i bought my house it was only a",
"nickel\"",
"7. incoherent screaming at each",
"other/servers/parking attendants",
"8. mother drops the phone into her lap because",
"she sees cops"
] |
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2. "why don't you buy a house?!"
|
0 | 8 | 0.56 | 0 |
so as a female we are normally always prepared. well i wasn't. i forgot to pack a certain product and though i work at a grocery store and there are feminine products available, i left my wallet at my family's house which is an hour and half away. not to mention i don't have a car -_-"
|
didn't bring proper products to work, and have no money to get one and no one has any extra :(
|
not being prepared. possibly nsfw
|
[
"so as a female we are normally always prepared.",
"well i wasn't. i forgot to pack a certain product",
"and though i work at a grocery store and there",
"are feminine products available, i left my",
"wallet at my family's house which is an hour and",
"half away. not to mention i don't have a car -_-\""
] |
[
0,
0.06703160660834631,
1,
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] |
and though i work at a grocery store and there half away. not to mention i don't have a car -_-"
|
2 | 0 | 1 | 2 |
so this happened a while ago, sometime this february, but i only now realized it would make a good tifu story. let me begin by saying that i am a little bit awkward when it comes to meeting new people. it's not like i'm totally socially retarded or anything, i just get nervous and say dumb stuff sometimes.
so this last february i got invited to a friends house for movie night and to hang out. we had been friends for about two years now, having met though an after-school art class. she goes to a different school than me, and so naturally she has a completely different circle from mine. we had never been super close, so i was surprised that she had invited me.
so that night i arrived, and everything was going great. i was chatting with all these new people, and not feeling too awkward. there was lots of food, and we watched some funny movie (i think it was "hot rod") and it seemed like i was making new friends.
after a while, we all decided to go outside and see the view from my friend's apple orchard, which she had said was amazing. she lives up on a hill above my town, and from the orchard you can see across the whole valley, which at night is a really beautiful view. so we all go out to the orchard and we bring blankets, it being a cold february night in northern california. the view was pretty great, and we could see all the roads and towns in the valley, as well as the moon and stars, and everything seemed wonderful. my worry that i'd say something stupid was completely gone.
so i had been talking to this very nice girl the whole night, and now i realize that she was probably hitting on me. but at that point i was just happy that she was talking to me. so this girl and i were sitting there under the stars, and the rest of the group was pretty close by. we were talking about movies and the topic came to the movie charlotte's web, with the pig and the spider. after that, the conversation moved on, and it was almost time for everyone to start going home. the girl i had been talking to and i were saying goodbye as we were all about to leave. now, i hadn't seen this movie in ages, so i wasn't sure what the [actual line](http://i1.cpcache.com/product_zoom/539812857/cw_some_pig_womens_dark_tshirt.jpg?color=black&height=460&width=460&padtosquare=true) was, but i wanted to make a reference to the movie we had been talking about before. so as we were saying goodbye, i looked her right in the eyes, smiled knowingly, and said rather loudly: "what a pig."
the entire group went silent and looked at me, but i didn't realize that i had fucked up the reference. it wasn't until about two weeks later that i realized the degree to which i had fucked up.
|
went to a party, hit it off with a nice girl, pigged out in front of everyone, rode off into the night.
|
calling a nice girl a pig.
|
[
"so this happened a while ago, sometime this",
"february, but i only now realized it would make a",
"good tifu story. let me begin by saying that i am",
"a little bit awkward when it comes to meeting new",
"people. it's not like i'm totally socially",
"retarded or anything, i just get nervous and say",
"dumb stuff sometimes.",
"so this last february i got invited to a friends",
"house for movie night and to hang out. we had",
"been friends for about two years now, having met",
"though an after-school art class. she goes to a",
"different school than me, and so naturally she",
"has a completely different circle from mine. we",
"had never been super close, so i was surprised",
"that she had invited me.",
"so that night i arrived, and everything was going",
"great. i was chatting with all these new people,",
"and not feeling too awkward. there was lots of",
"food, and we watched some funny movie (i think it",
"was \"hot rod\") and it seemed like i was making",
"new friends.",
"after a while, we all decided to go outside and",
"see the view from my friend's apple orchard,",
"which she had said was amazing. she lives up on a",
"hill above my town, and from the orchard you can",
"see across the whole valley, which at night is a",
"really beautiful view. so we all go out to the",
"orchard and we bring blankets, it being a cold",
"february night in northern california. the view",
"was pretty great, and we could see all the roads",
"and towns in the valley, as well as the moon and",
"stars, and everything seemed wonderful. my worry",
"that i'd say something stupid was completely",
"gone.",
"so i had been talking to this very nice girl the",
"whole night, and now i realize that she was",
"probably hitting on me. but at that point i was",
"just happy that she was talking to me. so this",
"girl and i were sitting there under the stars,",
"and the rest of the group was pretty close by. we",
"were talking about movies and the topic came to",
"the movie charlotte's web, with the pig and the",
"spider. after that, the conversation moved on,",
"and it was almost time for everyone to start",
"going home. the girl i had been talking to and i",
"were saying goodbye as we were all about to",
"leave. now, i hadn't seen this movie in ages, so",
"i wasn't sure what the [actual",
"line](http://i1.cpcache.com/product_zoom/53981285",
"7/cw_some_pig_womens_dark_tshirt.jpg?color=black&a",
"mp;height=460&width=460&padtosquare=true)",
"was, but i wanted to make a reference to the",
"movie we had been talking about before. so as we",
"were saying goodbye, i looked her right in the",
"eyes, smiled knowingly, and said rather loudly:",
"\"what a pig.\"",
"the entire group went silent and looked at me,",
"but i didn't realize that i had fucked up the",
"reference. it wasn't until about two weeks later",
"that i realized the degree to which i had fucked",
"up."
] |
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] |
so this last february i got invited to a friends february night in northern california. the view so i had been talking to this very nice girl the
|
3 | 2 | 0.67 | 3 |
tifu when i got a random text at 3:17 am from my friend after she had gone to bed an hour earlier. the text says "get over here" and my brain immediately does what it does best and overthinks it and i start to worry and think the worst case scenario. she could have been hurt, someone there could have been hurt, she may have just gotten into an argument or worst case is her house is being broken into and she is going to be hurt (not joking all of these ran through my head). i then begin to drive over there and on the way i call and text her repeatedly trying to get ahold of her. i arrive to a house with no lights on. i can't sit in front of her house though because if anyone in the house sees my lights and she was okay it would cause problems. so i drive around and park somewhere. i wait until 4:30 am calling and texting trying to get ahold of her making a total of 40 calls/texts and at this point honestly thinking she could be dead because that's how my mind works. after all of this i go home still worried. i wake up at 10:30 and get a call from her saying she doesn't remember sending that text and that it was a little much that i did all of that. she's creeped out and thinks i'm weird because i was worried. my brain ruined it all by being overly paranoid.
|
get a text from a girl saying "get over here" and i worry so i go to her house and call/text her a total of 20 times each trying to make sure she's okay. she's fine and doesn't remember sending that. now she thinks i'm weird and creepy.
|
overthinking and being overly nice
|
[
"tifu when i got a random text at 3:17 am from my",
"friend after she had gone to bed an hour earlier.",
"the text says \"get over here\" and my brain",
"immediately does what it does best and overthinks",
"it and i start to worry and think the worst case",
"scenario. she could have been hurt, someone there",
"could have been hurt, she may have just gotten",
"into an argument or worst case is her house is",
"being broken into and she is going to be hurt",
"(not joking all of these ran through my head). i",
"then begin to drive over there and on the way i",
"call and text her repeatedly trying to get ahold",
"of her. i arrive to a house with no lights on. i",
"can't sit in front of her house though because if",
"anyone in the house sees my lights and she was",
"okay it would cause problems. so i drive around",
"and park somewhere. i wait until 4:30 am calling",
"and texting trying to get ahold of her making a",
"total of 40 calls/texts and at this point",
"honestly thinking she could be dead because",
"that's how my mind works. after all of this i go",
"home still worried. i wake up at 10:30 and get a",
"call from her saying she doesn't remember sending",
"that text and that it was a little much that i",
"did all of that. she's creeped out and thinks i'm",
"weird because i was worried. my brain ruined it",
"all by being overly paranoid."
] |
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the text says "get over here" and my brain okay it would cause problems. so i drive around and texting trying to get ahold of her making a call from her saying she doesn't remember sending did all of that. she's creeped out and thinks i'm
|
12 | 2 | 0.79 | 12 |
like many of us, i have a number of friends who will not stop posting baby photos to social media. today, one such friend actually posted a few photos i couldn't help but like and comment on, because she had her daughter choose a backpack for daycare and iris (the daughter) chose an r2d2 backpack. my inner star wars nerd was so happy and i knew my friend was probably a proud nerd parent that her kid loved star wars at such a young age. then i posted the comment, "what great taste isis has! one day she'll topple the empire!"
i got a pm shortly after from her mom saying, "[talsiran], her name is iris, not isis. edit it please; we don't need anyone thinking my toddler is a terrorist." i did, quickly.
|
accidentally called my friend's daughter the name of a terrorist group, accidentally implied she needed to bring down a government.
|
getting a kid's name wrong.
|
[
"like many of us, i have a number of friends who",
"will not stop posting baby photos to social",
"media. today, one such friend actually posted a",
"few photos i couldn't help but like and comment",
"on, because she had her daughter choose a",
"backpack for daycare and iris (the daughter)",
"chose an r2d2 backpack. my inner star wars nerd",
"was so happy and i knew my friend was probably a",
"proud nerd parent that her kid loved star wars at",
"such a young age. then i posted the comment,",
"\"what great taste isis has! one day she'll",
"topple the empire!\"",
"i got a pm shortly after from her mom saying,",
"\"[talsiran], her name is iris, not isis. edit it",
"please; we don't need anyone thinking my toddler",
"is a terrorist.\" i did, quickly."
] |
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like many of us, i have a number of friends who backpack for daycare and iris (the daughter) is a terrorist." i did, quickly.
|
344 | 44 | 0.98 | 344 |
this happened yesterday night and i am still suffering from the fallout.
last night the wife asked me if i could have any other woman in the world who it would be. out of nowhere. such a stupid question. obviously i was like... 'i only want you" etc... but she wasnt having any of it.
i remembered reading a suggestion on reddit that the best way to wriggle out of this situation was to say "oh okay then, an exact copy of you"..... so i said that.
only one problem, there is an exact copy of my wife - her twin sister.
|
tried to be cute in answering a dumb question and ended up telling my wife i want to have sex with her sister
|
listening to a suggestion on reddit
|
[
"this happened yesterday night and i am still",
"suffering from the fallout.",
"last night the wife asked me if i could have any",
"other woman in the world who it would be. out of",
"nowhere. such a stupid question. obviously i was",
"like... 'i only want you\" etc... but she wasnt",
"having any of it.",
"i remembered reading a suggestion on reddit that",
"the best way to wriggle out of this situation",
"was to say \"oh okay then, an exact copy of",
"you\"..... so i said that.",
"only one problem, there is an exact copy of my",
"wife - her twin sister."
] |
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other woman in the world who it would be. out of nowhere. such a stupid question. obviously i was wife - her twin sister.
|
37 | 10 | 0.9 | 37 |
so just last night, i was more embarrassed than i had been in my whole life.
my parents were throwing a house party (not uncommon) and had a few family friends over. the youths of the group consisted of a guy a little younger than me, a boy near my brother's age, and a six year old girl. let's call her sally. so i was just playing video games and hanging out, chatting with the guy, when i felt the need to use the toilet. as quickly as i could, i ran swiftly to the bathroom, to find i had trapped wind. basically i had a painful fart that i couldn't get out. i didn't want to seem weird by being gone too long so i started to rack my brain to think of ways i could get the terrific stink bomb out of my poop tube. i remembered as a young boy my parents told my to lie flat on your back, lift your legs open in the air, and pull them close to your body then away, until an imaginary knife came along and cut the cheese. so i proceeded to do that. i removed my pants because i didn't want any interference or difficulty performing this particular exercise,and removed my shirt because if you're going to do something naked, you may as well do it naked. anyway, totally in the nude i began doing the exercise, and could feel the fart getting close to reaching the surface and joining the world. as i finally promised my digestive system i would start eating vegetables, i let it rip, and my brilliant butt belch began. just as that happened, sally walked in, the six year old girl. i forgot to lock the door. she walked in on a 16 year old boy, laying naked on the floor, legs spread, anus open aggressively passing gas. she let out a small scream, and just as she closed the door we locked eyes, and it has to be the most awkward eye contact i and my retinas have ever had to endure, but i only imagine it was ten times worse for the girl. i left the bathroom a minute later, and she walked in to use it. she never mentioned it to anyone the whole night, at least not to my knowledge. i feel like such an ass pun intended and sincerely hope she doesn't let that moment we shared be known. ever. even though i just shared it to all of you.
|
i was regrettably gassy, not looking classy,when the door was opened by a lassy.
|
being gassy and not locking the door
|
[
"so just last night, i was more embarrassed than i",
"had been in my whole life.",
"my parents were throwing a house party (not",
"uncommon) and had a few family friends over. the",
"youths of the group consisted of a guy a little",
"younger than me, a boy near my brother's age, and",
"a six year old girl. let's call her sally. so i",
"was just playing video games and hanging out,",
"chatting with the guy, when i felt the need to",
"use the toilet. as quickly as i could, i ran",
"swiftly to the bathroom, to find i had trapped",
"wind. basically i had a painful fart that i",
"couldn't get out. i didn't want to seem weird by",
"being gone too long so i started to rack my brain",
"to think of ways i could get the terrific stink",
"bomb out of my poop tube. i remembered as a young",
"boy my parents told my to lie flat on your back,",
"lift your legs open in the air, and pull them",
"close to your body then away, until an imaginary",
"knife came along and cut the cheese. so i",
"proceeded to do that. i removed my pants because",
"i didn't want any interference or difficulty",
"performing this particular exercise,and removed",
"my shirt because if you're going to do something",
"naked, you may as well do it naked. anyway,",
"totally in the nude i began doing the exercise,",
"and could feel the fart getting close to reaching",
"the surface and joining the world. as i finally",
"promised my digestive system i would start eating",
"vegetables, i let it rip, and my brilliant butt",
"belch began. just as that happened, sally walked",
"in, the six year old girl. i forgot to lock the",
"door. she walked in on a 16 year old boy, laying",
"naked on the floor, legs spread, anus open",
"aggressively passing gas. she let out a small",
"scream, and just as she closed the door we locked",
"eyes, and it has to be the most awkward eye",
"contact i and my retinas have ever had to endure,",
"but i only imagine it was ten times worse for the",
"girl. i left the bathroom a minute later, and she",
"walked in to use it. she never mentioned it to",
"anyone the whole night, at least not to my",
"knowledge. i feel like such an ass pun intended",
"and sincerely hope she doesn't let that moment we",
"shared be known. ever. even though i just shared",
"it to all of you."
] |
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so just last night, i was more embarrassed than i scream, and just as she closed the door we locked
|
5 | 6 | 0.56 | 5 |
this fu happened yesterday.
before this happened, i was getting ready to hang up a metallic "fender guitars" poster in my room, however, the god of the hunt called upon me to aid him in his upcoming endeavor(my gaming buddy called me on skype) before i could finish attaching the poster to my wall. i ended up leaving the screws in the poster and putting it next to my bed to remind myself to hang it up after i shrekt some filthy casuals in cs:go. here's where i quite literally screwed up: i left the screws facing up so that the poster didn't get bent and the screws wouldn't fall out while it was laying down.
later, after the merciless slaughter of countless terrorists, i realized that my light was still on. so i started towards the light switch but i suddenly dropped harder than a ct who got brained by an awp. while laying on the floor, i discovered that i ended up screwing the poster to my right heel instead of my wall. the screw went about four rivets deep into my heel and i had to have it unscrewed by hand to remove it(with the metal poster still in between my foot and the screw). luckily, the screw was removed with ease and i gave myself proper medical attention.
|
tisu by stepping on a screw
|
getting screwed
|
[
"this fu happened yesterday.",
"before this happened, i was getting ready to hang",
"up a metallic \"fender guitars\" poster in my room,",
"however, the god of the hunt called upon me to",
"aid him in his upcoming endeavor(my gaming buddy",
"called me on skype) before i could finish",
"attaching the poster to my wall. i ended up",
"leaving the screws in the poster and putting it",
"next to my bed to remind myself to hang it up",
"after i shrekt some filthy casuals in cs:go.",
"here's where i quite literally screwed up: i left",
"the screws facing up so that the poster didn't",
"get bent and the screws wouldn't fall out while",
"it was laying down.",
"later, after the merciless slaughter of countless",
"terrorists, i realized that my light was still",
"on. so i started towards the light switch but i",
"suddenly dropped harder than a ct who got brained",
"by an awp. while laying on the floor, i",
"discovered that i ended up screwing the poster to",
"my right heel instead of my wall. the screw went",
"about four rivets deep into my heel and i had to",
"have it unscrewed by hand to remove it(with the",
"metal poster still in between my foot and the",
"screw). luckily, the screw was removed with ease",
"and i gave myself proper medical attention."
] |
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by an awp. while laying on the floor, i
|
2 | 12 | 0.75 | 2 |
i'm officially retarded. i have court 3 days and last night i drank a 6 pack and got pretty hammered. but what really fucked up the situation is that i smoked weed. if i get drug tested at court i don't know what is gonna happen but i'm almost certain i will have my first experience in jail. i'm only 19 and i'm pretty afraid of what's gonna happen immediately after smoking i knew i fucked up.
|
pretty sure i'm going to jail.
|
getting high
|
[
"i'm officially retarded. i have court 3 days and",
"last night i drank a 6 pack and got pretty",
"hammered. but what really fucked up the situation",
"is that i smoked weed. if i get drug tested at",
"court i don't know what is gonna happen but i'm",
"almost certain i will have my first experience in",
"jail. i'm only 19 and i'm pretty afraid of what's",
"gonna happen immediately after smoking i knew i",
"fucked up."
] |
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jail. i'm only 19 and i'm pretty afraid of what's
|
37 | 17 | 0.93 | 37 |
alright so this happened about 20 minutes ago, and i will remember this moment forever because it will be my biggest missed opportunity of my college life.
quick information: i work as an intern/work-study campus at one of the departments and i go on mail runs twice a day to pick up packages for the other employees.
alright so the story. i was going on my afternoon mail run, and when i walk into the room, there are three people in line to pick up packages. the last person in line was a girl who was the most gorgeous being i have ever laid my undeserving eyes upon. i seriously have never been so attracted to anyone in my life. i'm a decent looking guy, so i decide maybe i have a shot and nudge her. she turns to me and gives me the most beautiful smile, i literally felt my heart stop. as i was about to introduce myself, it's her turn up at the counter, damn mail people working too fast.
so she goes up to the counter and gives them the slip for the package she came to receive. turns out it's a huge box and she doesn't have the strength or the means to get it back to her department. enter the fuck-up. she literally turns and looks straight at me,smiling with that amazing smile, whilst saying to the counter lady that she could come back with a strong guy or golf cart (which i use to drive around campus, so i had one readily available right outside the damn door). it completely goes over my head. she slowly backs away from the counter, while still looking at me, and the lady at the counter asks what i came for. i give her my slip, grab the package, and walk out. like nothing had happened. i even looked at the beautiful girl, smiled, and kept walking. i didn't even think about offering my help until i had settled in my cart and she had gone off. i'm now sitting back in my desk wallowing in sadness at the chance i could've had with this girl.
|
saw most beautiful girl in my life, she threw me an opportunity and i fumbled harder than any football player could ever have.
|
being a man and missing obvious signals
|
[
"alright so this happened about 20 minutes ago, and",
"i will remember this moment forever because it",
"will be my biggest missed opportunity of my",
"college life.",
"quick information: i work as an intern/work-study",
"campus at one of the departments and i go on mail",
"runs twice a day to pick up packages for the",
"other employees.",
"alright so the story. i was going on my afternoon",
"mail run, and when i walk into the room, there",
"are three people in line to pick up packages. the",
"last person in line was a girl who was the most",
"gorgeous being i have ever laid my undeserving",
"eyes upon. i seriously have never been so",
"attracted to anyone in my life. i'm a decent",
"looking guy, so i decide maybe i have a shot and",
"nudge her. she turns to me and gives me the most",
"beautiful smile, i literally felt my heart stop.",
"as i was about to introduce myself, it's her turn",
"up at the counter, damn mail people working too",
"fast.",
"so she goes up to the counter and gives them the",
"slip for the package she came to receive. turns",
"out it's a huge box and she doesn't have the",
"strength or the means to get it back to her",
"department. enter the fuck-up. she literally",
"turns and looks straight at me,smiling with that",
"amazing smile, whilst saying to the counter lady",
"that she could come back with a strong guy or",
"golf cart (which i use to drive around campus, so",
"i had one readily available right outside the",
"damn door). it completely goes over my head. she",
"slowly backs away from the counter, while still",
"looking at me, and the lady at the counter asks",
"what i came for. i give her my slip, grab the",
"package, and walk out. like nothing had happened.",
"i even looked at the beautiful girl, smiled, and",
"kept walking. i didn't even think about offering",
"my help until i had settled in my cart and she",
"had gone off. i'm now sitting back in my desk",
"wallowing in sadness at the chance i could've had",
"with this girl."
] |
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attracted to anyone in my life. i'm a decent nudge her. she turns to me and gives me the most i even looked at the beautiful girl, smiled, and
|
0 | 4 | 0.28 | 0 |
i don't have a tifu for you, and now people are going to hate me for lying about having a tifu, and thus my tifu.
^^^^sorry
|
lied about having a fuck up to you.
|
lying to a community of people.
|
[
"i don't have a tifu for you, and now people are",
"going to hate me for lying about having a tifu,",
"and thus my tifu.",
"^^^^sorry"
] |
[
0,
1,
0,
0
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going to hate me for lying about having a tifu,
|
2 | 0 | 0.75 | 2 |
so.. this all happened round about 3 weeks ago. i was on a big rowing tour with my whole family, the route went through the freaking nowhere. at one point we had to take the boats out, in order to get in at another inlet point. all of a sudden i got big stomach cramps. i thought letting a little air get out was a good strategy to deal with it. nooooope. i trusted a fart, biggest mistake ever. you know what happened, i don't really need to go into detail. all right, stomach cramps, literally having sht in my pants, i abruptly felt the urge to sht.. ok alright. i was looking for a restroom or a house.. anything.. but there was nothing. only shrubbery and fields as far as the eye can reach. i didn't know what to do. so i asked my uncle for tissues and ran as fast as i could (remember: while having sh*t in my pants) behind some bushes and let it all out. to my advantage the fields (i think it was grain) covered my lower half. so with bushes behind my back, fields in front of me and my family waiting a couple of feets away (but still behind the bushes so they couldn't see me basically) to keep on rowing, i took a huuuge dump. only with tissues and by they way with my life jacket on (didn't have the time to take it off). i took a while and after i came back they, they had to wait around 20 minutes, they all knew what just happened. nobody spoke about it. later at dinner my uncle rolled up the story and told some neighbours (in audience of my whole family, which was there and tried to displace what happened) "the funny story of his nephew" and how funny i ran with one's legs apart to him, asking for tissues. i also try to repress it since then, but thought reddit needs to know.
|
sh*t happens and it doesn't care where or with whom you are.
|
mother nature
|
[
"so.. this all happened round about 3 weeks ago. i",
"was on a big rowing tour with my whole family,",
"the route went through the freaking nowhere. at",
"one point we had to take the boats out, in order",
"to get in at another inlet point. all of a sudden",
"i got big stomach cramps. i thought letting a",
"little air get out was a good strategy to deal",
"with it. nooooope. i trusted a fart, biggest",
"mistake ever. you know what happened, i don't",
"really need to go into detail. all right, stomach",
"cramps, literally having sht in my pants, i",
"abruptly felt the urge to sht.. ok alright. i was",
"looking for a restroom or a house.. anything..",
"but there was nothing. only shrubbery and fields",
"as far as the eye can reach. i didn't know what",
"to do. so i asked my uncle for tissues and ran as",
"fast as i could (remember: while having sh*t in",
"my pants) behind some bushes and let it all out.",
"to my advantage the fields (i think it was grain)",
"covered my lower half. so with bushes behind my",
"back, fields in front of me and my family waiting",
"a couple of feets away (but still behind the",
"bushes so they couldn't see me basically) to keep",
"on rowing, i took a huuuge dump. only with",
"tissues and by they way with my life jacket on",
"(didn't have the time to take it off). i took a",
"while and after i came back they, they had to",
"wait around 20 minutes, they all knew what just",
"happened. nobody spoke about it. later at dinner",
"my uncle rolled up the story and told some",
"neighbours (in audience of my whole family, which",
"was there and tried to displace what happened)",
"\"the funny story of his nephew\" and how funny i",
"ran with one's legs apart to him, asking for",
"tissues. i also try to repress it since then, but",
"thought reddit needs to know."
] |
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with it. nooooope. i trusted a fart, biggest looking for a restroom or a house.. anything..
|
1 | 1 | 0.67 | 1 |
around late may, one of my friends sent me one of those "*reply now and re-send to 5 of your friends to be blessed by angels and meet the love of your life*" chain texts. i though nothing of it until 3 more of my friends sent me the same text. so i reply to those friends... *or so i thought*
i send it back to not only those 4 friends, but i sent it as a mass text to everyone on my contacts. my contacts include, but not limited to, mom, dad, my **boss**, this girl i liked and asked out (lets call her madison), (but here parents didn't like her dating to which i was very oblivious and ended as a train wreck literally 1 week before this text happened), another girl i ask out last year (lets call her julie) (i asked her out in public, turns out she's going out with somebody else) and more strangers i had talked to only once.
i didn't relies what had happened until my phone just lit up with all of these replies. my boss got a huge kick out of it (we're on great terms now and even before), my mom and dad still doesn't let this down (brings it up to this day) and "*madison*" did not speak to me until 2 months after the whole ordeal. only bright side is that me and "*julie*" started talking again because of this.
**
|
** i replied to a chain text by sending it as a mass text to all of my contacts, including two girls that i had liked.
|
replying to a chain text, via a mass text.
|
[
"around late may, one of my friends sent me one of",
"those \"*reply now and re-send to 5 of your",
"friends to be blessed by angels and meet the love",
"of your life*\" chain texts. i though nothing of",
"it until 3 more of my friends sent me the same",
"text. so i reply to those friends... *or so i",
"thought*",
"i send it back to not only those 4 friends, but i",
"sent it as a mass text to everyone on my",
"contacts. my contacts include, but not limited",
"to, mom, dad, my **boss**, this girl i liked and",
"asked out (lets call her madison), (but here",
"parents didn't like her dating to which i was",
"very oblivious and ended as a train wreck",
"literally 1 week before this text happened),",
"another girl i ask out last year (lets call her",
"julie) (i asked her out in public, turns out",
"she's going out with somebody else) and more",
"strangers i had talked to only once.",
"i didn't relies what had happened until my phone",
"just lit up with all of these replies. my boss",
"got a huge kick out of it (we're on great terms",
"now and even before), my mom and dad still",
"doesn't let this down (brings it up to this day)",
"and \"*madison*\" did not speak to me until 2",
"months after the whole ordeal. only bright side",
"is that me and \"*julie*\" started talking again",
"because of this.",
"**"
] |
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] |
sent it as a mass text to everyone on my strangers i had talked to only once.
|
4 | 7 | 1 | 4 |
i bought a pair of cheap headphones a while ago but my girlfriend's cat chewed through the wires. she said i could have her really expensive noise cancelling headphones. she made me swear i would keep them out of the cat's reach and put them back away in a pouch after every single time i used them.
of course i didn't. i absentmindedly left them on the coffee table when i went to do something else one day and that motherfucking cat decided they were his toy. my girlfriend gave me a whole bunch of shit for it and it was a bad day. for fuck's sake, life is a merciless asshole some times. i can't even put a pair of headphones down without it inevitably coming to bite me in the ass. i haven't been so angry at the universe in general in ages.
|
i left my girlfriend's expensive headphones on the coffee table and her asshole cat chewed through them.
|
putting a pair of headphones on a coffee table.
|
[
"i bought a pair of cheap headphones a while ago",
"but my girlfriend's cat chewed through the wires.",
"she said i could have her really expensive noise",
"cancelling headphones. she made me swear i would",
"keep them out of the cat's reach and put them",
"back away in a pouch after every single time i",
"used them.",
"of course i didn't. i absentmindedly left them on",
"the coffee table when i went to do something",
"else one day and that motherfucking cat decided",
"they were his toy. my girlfriend gave me a whole",
"bunch of shit for it and it was a bad day. for",
"fuck's sake, life is a merciless asshole some",
"times. i can't even put a pair of headphones down",
"without it inevitably coming to bite me in the",
"ass. i haven't been so angry at the universe in",
"general in ages."
] |
[
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] |
but my girlfriend's cat chewed through the wires. used them. the coffee table when i went to do something
|
40 | 24 | 0.89 | 40 |
i pulled into my driveway to find a cat trotting through the yard with a bird in it's mouth. i shooed the cat away and rushed over to the bird. it was a baby with pin feathers :-(
it had two obviously broken wings, a broken leg, and several bloody cat canine puncture wounds. my kids (7 & 9) were with me and wanted to know what to do. i honestly didn't know, so i called my husband. he said the poor thing was in pain and suffering and would likely die, so i should put it out of it's misery... i was reluctant, because i don't want to kill a freaking baby bird i just rescued from a cat! but i had to agree that the poor thing was in pain and the wounds were severe enough, i don't think it could have recovered.
i sent the kids inside the house and grab a spade. i readied myself, and struck the bird over the head with the spade sharply...
it's fucking eye popped out, and the bird started seizing!
then my 7 year-old came out on the porch to see what i was doing and yelled, "why are you hitting the baby bird????!!??!!??"
i quickly yelled for him to go back in the house. once the door was closed, i hit the bird again; it stopped seizing and died. i dug a hole and buried it. then went inside to explain why i killed the baby bird to my kids :-( a very traumatic experience all around.
|
i didn't hit the bird hard enough and was witnessed by my 7 year old.
|
trying to put a bird out of it's misery
|
[
"i pulled into my driveway to find a cat trotting",
"through the yard with a bird in it's mouth. i",
"shooed the cat away and rushed over to the bird.",
"it was a baby with pin feathers :-(",
"it had two obviously broken wings, a broken leg,",
"and several bloody cat canine puncture wounds.",
"my kids (7 & 9) were with me and wanted to know",
"what to do. i honestly didn't know, so i called",
"my husband. he said the poor thing was in pain",
"and suffering and would likely die, so i should",
"put it out of it's misery... i was reluctant,",
"because i don't want to kill a freaking baby bird",
"i just rescued from a cat! but i had to agree",
"that the poor thing was in pain and the wounds",
"were severe enough, i don't think it could have",
"recovered.",
"i sent the kids inside the house and grab a",
"spade. i readied myself, and struck the bird",
"over the head with the spade sharply...",
"it's fucking eye popped out, and the bird started",
"seizing!",
"then my 7 year-old came out on the porch to see",
"what i was doing and yelled, \"why are you hitting",
"the baby bird????!!??!!??\"",
"i quickly yelled for him to go back in the house.",
"once the door was closed, i hit the bird again;",
"it stopped seizing and died. i dug a hole and",
"buried it. then went inside to explain why i",
"killed the baby bird to my kids :-( a very",
"traumatic experience all around."
] |
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] |
then my 7 year-old came out on the porch to see once the door was closed, i hit the bird again;
|
0 | 10 | 0.55 | 0 |
so i recently moved to where i'm currently living, so i'm not too familiar with the area. i decided since it was a weekend, and i had been eating pretty healthy all week, i would go to an all-you-can-eat buffet. i grab my phone and google maps the nearest "golden corral" (a popular american buffet, or at least in the south). it was a good little drive but i was determined to be a fatass. so i got in my car and started driving. as i get further into my drive i notice that the area is starting to look more and more like the movie "deliverence". i was in the sticks. i'm talking broken dirt roads, cow pastures, shotgun peppered road signs, people riding by on dirtbikes, the whole works. i thought it was a little odd that it took me out in the middle of nowhere in the woods but i kept driving. finally, i pull up to where im going. a fricken horse ranch in the middle of nowhere. the sign above the dirt road entrance says "the golden corral". i facepalmed hard enough to crack my skull and started to enter my home address to get me out of hillbilly hell and then my phone died. lucky me. good thing degenerate hillbillys are good at giving directions.
|
forgot to check to see if the destination on my phone was actually a restaurant, and ended up in the sticks...afraid for my life, and possibly my sexual safety.
|
going to "golden corral"
|
[
"so i recently moved to where i'm currently living,",
"so i'm not too familiar with the area. i decided",
"since it was a weekend, and i had been eating",
"pretty healthy all week, i would go to an",
"all-you-can-eat buffet. i grab my phone and",
"google maps the nearest \"golden corral\" (a",
"popular american buffet, or at least in the",
"south). it was a good little drive but i was",
"determined to be a fatass. so i got in my car and",
"started driving. as i get further into my drive i",
"notice that the area is starting to look more and",
"more like the movie \"deliverence\". i was in the",
"sticks. i'm talking broken dirt roads, cow",
"pastures, shotgun peppered road signs, people",
"riding by on dirtbikes, the whole works. i",
"thought it was a little odd that it took me out",
"in the middle of nowhere in the woods but i kept",
"driving. finally, i pull up to where im going. a",
"fricken horse ranch in the middle of nowhere. the",
"sign above the dirt road entrance says \"the",
"golden corral\". i facepalmed hard enough to crack",
"my skull and started to enter my home address to",
"get me out of hillbilly hell and then my phone",
"died. lucky me. good thing degenerate hillbillys",
"are good at giving directions."
] |
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] |
all-you-can-eat buffet. i grab my phone and more like the movie "deliverence". i was in the driving. finally, i pull up to where im going. a
|
7 | 27 | 0.74 | 7 |
i'm so dumb. this was actually on saturday, i was selling some stuff on craigslist, i sold a tv a bedframe, and it inspired me to post my xbox 360 that has been sitting in my closet, i had been hesitant to sell it because i have an xbox one now, and the games aren't yet backwards compatible. but i decided to go ahead and do it, i kind of needed the money, so i made a post.
a couple of hours later i got a call. a guy wanted to buy it for his son. asked if we could meet up, and if i would take $200 for it, asking price was $220, so i said yes.
nothing seemed out of the ordinary, and i was impressed with myself with my prior sales of the day, so i went to meet the guy.
before i left i made sure all the information was wiped from the machine, and met up with him, i showed him the xbox and the games, and he took out a bank envelope with some money in it. he took out a couple hundred in the envelope, put them in his pocket, leaving 2 crisp $100 bills in the envelope. i looked in the envelope, saw the bills, and we made the exchange. he left and i left.
yesterday i went to the movies, tried to buy some concessions with one of the bills and was told it was a fake. i thought the guy was joking. sure enough i took a closer look and both bills were obviously fake. the pictures and everything looked right, but the paper wasn't right, and there were none of the details that would be noticeable looking up in the light.
i am a moron for not looking at them before i accepted them. the bank envelope put my mind at ease, and also i didn't really touch them that much to realize they were fake.
i pretty much have no information on the guy, i have a phone number, i texted him about the bogus bills, but obviously got no response.
i thought about calling the police, but i realize i'm not going to get any money out of it, and i don't think they would actually try to track him down.
i did learn a valuable lesson, and lost my xbox and some naivete.
edit: thanks for all the advice, i filed out a police report online, and i'll probably have to turn in the bills, just waiting for a callback.
|
sold my xbox for counterfeit money.
|
i sold my xbox 360 and games for $200... of counterfeit money.
|
[
"i'm so dumb. this was actually on saturday, i was",
"selling some stuff on craigslist, i sold a tv a",
"bedframe, and it inspired me to post my xbox 360",
"that has been sitting in my closet, i had been",
"hesitant to sell it because i have an xbox one",
"now, and the games aren't yet backwards",
"compatible. but i decided to go ahead and do it,",
"i kind of needed the money, so i made a post.",
"a couple of hours later i got a call. a guy",
"wanted to buy it for his son. asked if we could",
"meet up, and if i would take $200 for it, asking",
"price was $220, so i said yes.",
"nothing seemed out of the ordinary, and i was",
"impressed with myself with my prior sales of the",
"day, so i went to meet the guy.",
"before i left i made sure all the information was",
"wiped from the machine, and met up with him, i",
"showed him the xbox and the games, and he took",
"out a bank envelope with some money in it. he",
"took out a couple hundred in the envelope, put",
"them in his pocket, leaving 2 crisp $100 bills in",
"the envelope. i looked in the envelope, saw the",
"bills, and we made the exchange. he left and i",
"left.",
"yesterday i went to the movies, tried to buy some",
"concessions with one of the bills and was told it",
"was a fake. i thought the guy was joking. sure",
"enough i took a closer look and both bills were",
"obviously fake. the pictures and everything",
"looked right, but the paper wasn't right, and",
"there were none of the details that would be",
"noticeable looking up in the light.",
"i am a moron for not looking at them before i",
"accepted them. the bank envelope put my mind at",
"ease, and also i didn't really touch them that",
"much to realize they were fake.",
"i pretty much have no information on the guy, i",
"have a phone number, i texted him about the bogus",
"bills, but obviously got no response.",
"i thought about calling the police, but i realize",
"i'm not going to get any money out of it, and i",
"don't think they would actually try to track him",
"down.",
"i did learn a valuable lesson, and lost my xbox",
"and some naivete.",
"edit: thanks for all the advice, i filed out a",
"police report online, and i'll probably have to",
"turn in the bills, just waiting for a callback."
] |
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bedframe, and it inspired me to post my xbox 360
|
1 | 2 | 1 | 1 |
my license was due to be suspended in july, when i picked up the letter in the end of may i read that it was due on the 27th of july. fast forward to the day of, where i'm making arrangements to surrender my license and discover i've been driving illegally since the 13th.
|
thought surrender date was the 27th, was actually the 13th. tifu by being an inattentive dumbass.
|
relying on my atrocious memory.
|
[
"my license was due to be suspended in july, when i",
"picked up the letter in the end of may i read",
"that it was due on the 27th of july. fast forward",
"to the day of, where i'm making arrangements to",
"surrender my license and discover i've been",
"driving illegally since the 13th."
] |
[
0.05009851069758543,
0,
1,
0.016635235320491666,
0.08146347264282429,
0.9869781759774575
] |
that it was due on the 27th of july. fast forward driving illegally since the 13th.
|
4 | 2 | 0.72 | 4 |
ok so this happened a a half hour ago, for the past month and a half i've been sending emails to my fellow co-workers with my supposed to be professional email (uses my real name). i also use this email for youtube. now where i fuck up, i check my business email today and it shoes my youtube alias "m takada" as a recipient instead of my name. my whole face goes red, for a month and a half my coworkers have seen my dumb alias come up instead of my name.
|
coworkers have been emailing my youtube alias for a month
|
using my online alias in a business email
|
[
"ok so this happened a a half hour ago, for the",
"past month and a half i've been sending emails to",
"my fellow co-workers with my supposed to be",
"professional email (uses my real name). i also",
"use this email for youtube. now where i fuck up,",
"i check my business email today and it shoes my",
"youtube alias \"m takada\" as a recipient instead",
"of my name. my whole face goes red, for a month",
"and a half my coworkers have seen my dumb alias",
"come up instead of my name."
] |
[
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0.8912136577197045,
0.9794664458858859,
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0.07114096071824265
] |
of my name. my whole face goes red, for a month and a half my coworkers have seen my dumb alias
|
389 | 101 | 0.92 | 389 |
mandatory throwaway since my gf is on reddit every now and then.
so this actually happened about a year ago, i just played this masterpiece of a game a few days ago, which reminded me if this incident. didn't touch it since my fu.
my gf is little into playing video games. she basically likes games like lbp but loves to watch me play. so.. i thought i would show her the game i was currently playing which happens to be rdr. and that is where the fuck up began.
i was pretty far into the game and thus just fucking around and not really doing any story missions. my thought was "hey just go hunting or something, so she can get a taste of what this game contains. story is pointless this far into the game." well, story would have been the better choice by far.
i jumped on my horse and rode into a forest, showing her the astonishing flora and fauna. then a wild bear appeared and i thought well, you know women love manly men, so i hunted him down, killed him and skinned him.
my gf did not like that. like at all. she thought that was totally unnecessary. the bear was just wandering around peacefully and didn't attack me. i am an asshole.
i get back on my horse and want to ride back to my farm to save and turn off the game. then on the way there a wild cougar starts shouting and attacking me. my only thought was "holy shit! it's attacking me, well witness my self-defense!"
as i try to shoot the cougar it attacks my horse. after a few hits my horse dies. i take a look at my girlfriends face and see an incredible amount of tears running down her cheeks. she shouts "oh my god! cheyenne!". it just so happens she had flashbacks of her own horse that died a similar way, a few years ago.
she gets up and runs out of the room, slips on a sock that was lying on the floor and breaks 2 teeth.
i have no idea what story she told the dentist, but the truth was so horrifyingly embarrassing she couldn't have told it.
we silently agreed to never talk about the game or incident ever again.
now i play the game when she's not visiting me, in the dark corner of my living room. like a gremlin.
|
my girlfriend got vietnam-like flashbacks after watching me play the game.
|
playing red dead redemption with my girlfriend
|
[
"mandatory throwaway since my gf is on reddit every",
"now and then.",
"so this actually happened about a year ago, i",
"just played this masterpiece of a game a few days",
"ago, which reminded me if this incident. didn't",
"touch it since my fu.",
"my gf is little into playing video games. she",
"basically likes games like lbp but loves to watch",
"me play. so.. i thought i would show her the game",
"i was currently playing which happens to be rdr.",
"and that is where the fuck up began.",
"i was pretty far into the game and thus just",
"fucking around and not really doing any story",
"missions. my thought was \"hey just go hunting or",
"something, so she can get a taste of what this",
"game contains. story is pointless this far into",
"the game.\" well, story would have been the better",
"choice by far.",
"i jumped on my horse and rode into a forest,",
"showing her the astonishing flora and fauna. then",
"a wild bear appeared and i thought well, you know",
"women love manly men, so i hunted him down,",
"killed him and skinned him.",
"my gf did not like that. like at all. she thought",
"that was totally unnecessary. the bear was just",
"wandering around peacefully and didn't attack me.",
"i am an asshole.",
"i get back on my horse and want to ride back to",
"my farm to save and turn off the game. then on",
"the way there a wild cougar starts shouting and",
"attacking me. my only thought was \"holy shit!",
"it's attacking me, well witness my self-defense!\"",
"as i try to shoot the cougar it attacks my horse.",
"after a few hits my horse dies. i take a look at",
"my girlfriends face and see an incredible amount",
"of tears running down her cheeks. she shouts \"oh",
"my god! cheyenne!\". it just so happens she had",
"flashbacks of her own horse that died a similar",
"way, a few years ago.",
"she gets up and runs out of the room, slips on a",
"sock that was lying on the floor and breaks 2",
"teeth.",
"i have no idea what story she told the dentist,",
"but the truth was so horrifyingly embarrassing",
"she couldn't have told it.",
"we silently agreed to never talk about the game",
"or incident ever again.",
"now i play the game when she's not visiting me,",
"in the dark corner of my living room. like a",
"gremlin."
] |
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] |
now i play the game when she's not visiting me,
|
3 | 2 | 1 | 3 |
well this happened last night, but i just found out about the fuck up this morning.
so i take ambien prescribed by my doctor for insomnia. i've been on the medication for several years now and haven't experienced many problems outside of texting random people i barely talk to. i generally play on my phone for a half hour while the medicine takes effect, and i get tired enough to fall asleep.
last night i guess i ran across something for a workout program that had a "15% off" code. i have actually been questioning buying this program for a while now, but i haven't had the $34.99 to buy it yet (struggling college student who still lives with my parents). i remember vaguely thinking i could afford the price if there was a 15% off code. apparently i decided to buy the program because there was a confirmation email in my email this morning. (and yes, i do have my credit card information memorized in case of emergencies.)
but here's the fuck up: i bought the base program, a nutrition plan, a customized nutrition plan, and an expansion pack for the program, and then bought an additional program (that happened to be the expansion pack i bought on the base program). so what would have been $29 if i wasn't on drugs turned into $110 while i was on drugs.
i sent an email about getting a refund on the additional program (since i was included in the other program i bought), and i am now waiting to hear back from the people. looks like i should visit the doctor for a medication adjustment.
|
i spent $110 on a workout program that i can't afford while i was on ambien last night.
|
taking my nighttime sleep medications.
|
[
"well this happened last night, but i just found",
"out about the fuck up this morning.",
"so i take ambien prescribed by my doctor for",
"insomnia. i've been on the medication for several",
"years now and haven't experienced many problems",
"outside of texting random people i barely talk",
"to. i generally play on my phone for a half hour",
"while the medicine takes effect, and i get tired",
"enough to fall asleep.",
"last night i guess i ran across something for a",
"workout program that had a \"15% off\" code. i have",
"actually been questioning buying this program for",
"a while now, but i haven't had the $34.99 to buy",
"it yet (struggling college student who still",
"lives with my parents). i remember vaguely",
"thinking i could afford the price if there was a",
"15% off code. apparently i decided to buy the",
"program because there was a confirmation email in",
"my email this morning. (and yes, i do have my",
"credit card information memorized in case of",
"emergencies.)",
"but here's the fuck up: i bought the base",
"program, a nutrition plan, a customized nutrition",
"plan, and an expansion pack for the program, and",
"then bought an additional program (that happened",
"to be the expansion pack i bought on the base",
"program). so what would have been $29 if i wasn't",
"on drugs turned into $110 while i was on drugs.",
"i sent an email about getting a refund on the",
"additional program (since i was included in the",
"other program i bought), and i am now waiting to",
"hear back from the people. looks like i should",
"visit the doctor for a medication adjustment."
] |
[
0.7294101502947937,
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0.21987314259178684,
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0.19904645428383758,
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0.6804544780950609,
0.12571190484902287,
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0.5968076481751384,
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0.3133147057741671,
0.6184421883632868,
0.14665675757737726,
0.0001491149707330973,
0.09283620740412676
] |
workout program that had a "15% off" code. i have on drugs turned into $110 while i was on drugs.
|
4 | 14 | 0.71 | 4 |
so i as joking around with my friend like we always do, i send him a text about how i'm going to defile someone from his family and he text's back with something funnier and so on. except on this occasion i accidently text back this girl that i had been working really hard to get and what i text her was "i am going to spit on your nannies putrid and unforgiving fart pipe while she gives me a gummer". tried telling her it was sent to the wrong person, never heard back :/
|
text the girl of my dream telling her i was essentially going to deeeeestroy her nannies anus.
|
accidently texting my dream girl
|
[
"so i as joking around with my friend like we",
"always do, i send him a text about how i'm going",
"to defile someone from his family and he text's",
"back with something funnier and so on. except on",
"this occasion i accidently text back this girl",
"that i had been working really hard to get and",
"what i text her was \"i am going to spit on your",
"nannies putrid and unforgiving fart pipe while",
"she gives me a gummer\". tried telling her it was",
"sent to the wrong person, never heard back :/"
] |
[
0.35386172298391644,
0.25584141912720365,
0,
0,
0.2920450355431293,
0.20613562959293885,
1,
0.3516105622672058,
0.646572378376792,
0.5526987195962187
] |
what i text her was "i am going to spit on your
|
12,354 | 1,951 | 0.88 | 12,354 |
this happened less than twenty minutes ago. as i sit here typing with trembling fingers in the classroom where i teach esl to adults, i cannot help but think that this is one of my most embarrassing teaching moments.
today i decided to wear my favorite burgundy-colored pencil skirt to class. this morning was a rough one; the type of morning where you barely drag yourself out of bed... and of course we were completely out of coffee. so i half-consciously dressed myself, admire my outfit efforts in the mirror for a split second, and dart out the door late as usual.
when i get to class my students were waiting patiently at their desks. not wanting to waste any time, i walk up the the board and immediately begin to write and lecture. about five minutes into my lecture one of my female students from colombia says, "excuse me, *teacher*..." irritated at the interruption, i retort, "yes, student? remember i'll leave time for questions always." "no, your.. um... how do you call...?" "zipper!" say several other students to help the first. i turn around like lightning and feel with my hand that although the clasp still held, the zipper that ran from the top of the skirt all the way to the bottom of my butt was as wide open as the great outdoors.
i casually zip it up, thank the student, and^dead^inside continue my lecture as if nothing had happened. as soon as i get the class quietly working on an assignment i slip off to the bathroom to assess the damage. in the mirror i pull the zipper down like it was, and lift my arm mimicking myself writing on the board. to my horror my open zipper and closed clasp created a little keyhole from satan that revealed my blue g-string and ass cheeks in all of their pasty glory.
i am now back in class; red-faced and knowing that the memory of this will keep me up at night for years to come.
update: class just let out. the last student out of the classroom just said, "blue is a good choice." winked, and darted out the door.
edit: i was really hoping that my 15 seconds of fame would be from something more noble than *this* crap, but c'est la vie. beside the haters, the overwhelming majority of hilarious comments has made me feel a lot better.
**til**: "pics or it didn't happen." is reddit's version of, "hey girl, bet you can't touch your elbows together behind your back."
|
if i don't zip the zipper, their teacher's a stripper.**
|
forgetting about my skirt's zipper before i gave a lecture. (mildly nsfw)
|
[
"this happened less than twenty minutes ago. as i",
"sit here typing with trembling fingers in the",
"classroom where i teach esl to adults, i cannot",
"help but think that this is one of my most",
"embarrassing teaching moments.",
"today i decided to wear my favorite",
"burgundy-colored pencil skirt to class. this",
"morning was a rough one; the type of morning",
"where you barely drag yourself out of bed... and",
"of course we were completely out of coffee. so i",
"half-consciously dressed myself, admire my outfit",
"efforts in the mirror for a split second, and",
"dart out the door late as usual.",
"when i get to class my students were waiting",
"patiently at their desks. not wanting to waste",
"any time, i walk up the the board and immediately",
"begin to write and lecture. about five minutes",
"into my lecture one of my female students from",
"colombia says, \"excuse me, *teacher*...\"",
"irritated at the interruption, i retort, \"yes,",
"student? remember i'll leave time for questions",
"always.\" \"no, your.. um... how do you call...?\"",
"\"zipper!\" say several other students to help the",
"first. i turn around like lightning and feel with",
"my hand that although the clasp still held, the",
"zipper that ran from the top of the skirt all the",
"way to the bottom of my butt was as wide open as",
"the great outdoors.",
"i casually zip it up, thank the student,",
"and^dead^inside continue my lecture as if nothing",
"had happened. as soon as i get the class quietly",
"working on an assignment i slip off to the",
"bathroom to assess the damage. in the mirror i",
"pull the zipper down like it was, and lift my arm",
"mimicking myself writing on the board. to my",
"horror my open zipper and closed clasp created a",
"little keyhole from satan that revealed my blue",
"g-string and ass cheeks in all of their pasty",
"glory.",
"i am now back in class; red-faced and knowing",
"that the memory of this will keep me up at night",
"for years to come.",
"update: class just let out. the last student out",
"of the classroom just said, \"blue is a good",
"choice.\" winked, and darted out the door.",
"edit: i was really hoping that my 15 seconds of",
"fame would be from something more noble than",
"*this* crap, but c'est la vie. beside the haters,",
"the overwhelming majority of hilarious comments",
"has made me feel a lot better.",
"**til**: \"pics or it didn't happen.\" is reddit's",
"version of, \"hey girl, bet you can't touch your",
"elbows together behind your back.\""
] |
[
0.171471947725318,
0.07359628539014372,
0.24401690748283691,
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0.11646608648753998,
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0.5906866041451054,
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0.5562775647852745,
0.2869767025347876,
0.288227811099038,
0.31674575327709714,
0.33431034787748065,
0.055052606139663264,
1,
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0.295107609298039,
0,
0.18481996115300103,
0,
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0.03995860724588529,
0.5087881901163879,
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0.08725777174989893,
0,
0.013313845722862722,
0.1397604955121443,
0.3832047336541075,
0,
0,
0
] |
i casually zip it up, thank the student, pull the zipper down like it was, and lift my arm
|
1 | 10 | 0.6 | 1 |
so it wasn't today, it was all of last week, and i just now got everything fixed. so, i went to a camp for five days, and obviously at camp you have to put sunscreen on. i did it the first day, and then i just forgot to for five days. at the end of it, it looked like i had kylie jenner's lips because they were sunburned and chapped, and elmo's nose because that was sunburned to hell. and my whole face is mildly sunburned and peeling. so i look like larry the lobster's female counterpart with elmo's nose.
|
forgot to put on sunscreen, ended up looking like larry the lobster's wet dream.
|
not putting on sunscreen for five days
|
[
"so it wasn't today, it was all of last week, and i",
"just now got everything fixed. so, i went to a",
"camp for five days, and obviously at camp you",
"have to put sunscreen on. i did it the first day,",
"and then i just forgot to for five days. at the",
"end of it, it looked like i had kylie jenner's",
"lips because they were sunburned and chapped, and",
"elmo's nose because that was sunburned to hell.",
"and my whole face is mildly sunburned and",
"peeling. so i look like larry the lobster's",
"female counterpart with elmo's nose."
] |
[
0,
0,
0,
0.7671843062783316,
0.10228648604733569,
0.013848687166789012,
0,
0.0024647147326997674,
0,
1,
0
] |
have to put sunscreen on. i did it the first day, peeling. so i look like larry the lobster's
|
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