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28 | 14 | 0.84 | 28 |
this literally just happened and i'm kicking myself for being such a loose lips lucy.
i'm changing jobs, long story short my current role is just not what i was sold, my boss is incredibly difficult to work with and bullying me until i feel sick with worry everyday. trouble is she's also in a very senior position - almost untouchable. so that means either i go or....well i go.
that means i'm sending out cvs galore, you name it, i'm applying for it. being also semi-good at my cv i'm getting a lot of calls back.
cue one such call from an agency, i'm used to this, i spin off my spiel and i'm heavy into why i'm moving.
the guys queries why i'm moving so soon, so i pause and say "honestly?" he says go for it "my boss is a bully"
we continue on, and then he gets to the job - he said "so the role is supporting me and another director........"
and i just think fuck. you never bitch about your old boss to a potential new boss, i usually tell a recruitment agency the truth so they can help me come up with a better answer than "my boss is a bully", like "i'm looking to move forward in my career"; "i think that being able to engage with your manager is key to a productive work environment"; "please hire me, i'm pretty"
i apologise, tell him how unprofessional that was of me, he's super nice and for some reason still wants to bring me in for an interview. still though, feel like a right idiot and i'm really not counting on it.
edit: por qué?
|
blab about bully boss to who i think is an intermediary agency, turns out to be the hiring manager. d'oh
|
being too honest about why i'm moving jobs
|
[
"this literally just happened and i'm kicking",
"myself for being such a loose lips lucy.",
"i'm changing jobs, long story short my current",
"role is just not what i was sold, my boss is",
"incredibly difficult to work with and bullying me",
"until i feel sick with worry everyday. trouble is",
"she's also in a very senior position - almost",
"untouchable. so that means either i go or....well",
"i go.",
"that means i'm sending out cvs galore, you name",
"it, i'm applying for it. being also semi-good at",
"my cv i'm getting a lot of calls back.",
"cue one such call from an agency, i'm used to",
"this, i spin off my spiel and i'm heavy into why",
"i'm moving.",
"the guys queries why i'm moving so soon, so i",
"pause and say \"honestly?\" he says go for it \"my",
"boss is a bully\"",
"we continue on, and then he gets to the job - he",
"said \"so the role is supporting me and another",
"director........\"",
"and i just think fuck. you never bitch about your",
"old boss to a potential new boss, i usually tell",
"a recruitment agency the truth so they can help",
"me come up with a better answer than \"my boss is",
"a bully\", like \"i'm looking to move forward in my",
"career\"; \"i think that being able to engage with",
"your manager is key to a productive work",
"environment\"; \"please hire me, i'm pretty\"",
"i apologise, tell him how unprofessional that was",
"of me, he's super nice and for some reason still",
"wants to bring me in for an interview. still",
"though, feel like a right idiot and i'm really",
"not counting on it.",
"edit: por qué?"
] |
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|
21 | 26 | 0.89 | 21 |
let me start off by saying that i'm an icu nurse. i have a lot of curiosity and usually people (or google) are able to answer my questions. yesterday morning, that was not the case.
i was at work yesterday afternoon and we had ordered lunch, which was currently over an hour late, so there were over a dozen hangry ass nurses running around. one of my coworkers had just pulled a bottle of propofol (popularly known as the 'michael jackson drug') out of the pyxis to hang for his sedated patient and jokingly said 'if food doesn't get here soon, i'm gonna drink this like milk!'.
so then i started to wonder. what would happen if someone were to drink propofol? iv administration leads to sedation and a drop in bp, but how would the liver metabolize this through oral administration?
i asked my charge nurse and about three other people before turning to medical books and the internet. no one had looked into this- or at least no one had published results (that i could find), which wasn't surprising, as administration and absorption of oral sedatives takes longer and isn't as reliable.
so then my dumb ass thought, "i bet poison control would know. maybe i'll call and ask!" que the phone call where i told the poor annoyed operator that i was curious as to the effects of propofol if someone were to drink it. she then asked, point blank, if i was suicidal. i then hurriedly tried to explain that i was a nurse and i was trying to understand what would happen. she asked if anyone else was involved and then again if i was planning something. it took me until this moment that this was the dumbest idea i've ever had. she asked for my name and information- at which point i apologized profusely for wasting my time while my charge nurse laughed her ass off.
edit: throwaway because shame.
|
i wanted to know if a sedative would work if someone were to drink it, called poison control, and made an ass of myself.
|
calling poison control
|
[
"let me start off by saying that i'm an icu nurse.",
"i have a lot of curiosity and usually people (or",
"google) are able to answer my questions.",
"yesterday morning, that was not the case.",
"i was at work yesterday afternoon and we had",
"ordered lunch, which was currently over an hour",
"late, so there were over a dozen hangry ass",
"nurses running around. one of my coworkers had",
"just pulled a bottle of propofol (popularly known",
"as the 'michael jackson drug') out of the pyxis",
"to hang for his sedated patient and jokingly said",
"'if food doesn't get here soon, i'm gonna drink",
"this like milk!'.",
"so then i started to wonder. what would happen if",
"someone were to drink propofol? iv administration",
"leads to sedation and a drop in bp, but how would",
"the liver metabolize this through oral",
"administration?",
"i asked my charge nurse and about three other",
"people before turning to medical books and the",
"internet. no one had looked into this- or at",
"least no one had published results (that i could",
"find), which wasn't surprising, as administration",
"and absorption of oral sedatives takes longer and",
"isn't as reliable.",
"so then my dumb ass thought, \"i bet poison",
"control would know. maybe i'll call and ask!\" que",
"the phone call where i told the poor annoyed",
"operator that i was curious as to the effects of",
"propofol if someone were to drink it. she then",
"asked, point blank, if i was suicidal. i then",
"hurriedly tried to explain that i was a nurse and",
"i was trying to understand what would happen. she",
"asked if anyone else was involved and then again",
"if i was planning something. it took me until",
"this moment that this was the dumbest idea i've",
"ever had. she asked for my name and information-",
"at which point i apologized profusely for wasting",
"my time while my charge nurse laughed her ass",
"off.",
"edit: throwaway because shame."
] |
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control would know. maybe i'll call and ask!" que propofol if someone were to drink it. she then
|
4 | 4 | 0.86 | 4 |
actually happened when i was a kid but w/e.
me and my bro had a goldfish each, and my mother had decided to clean out the goldfish tank using milton (stuff used to sterilize things) and put the goldfish in a small bowl whilst it cleaned in the kitchen.
so i walk into the kitchen and see the fish sat in the small bowl and the fish tank full of what i thought was just water and presumed my mum had just been distracted and forgot to move them back. so me being the good little helper i am decided to put the fish back.
five minutes later i hear my mother shouting me from the kitchen to which i arrive to a scene of two goldfish dead in the fish tank. oops! on the bright side the goldfish were now nice and clean!
|
murdered goldfish with water + sterilizing agent.
|
killing my goldfish
|
[
"actually happened when i was a kid but w/e.",
"me and my bro had a goldfish each, and my mother",
"had decided to clean out the goldfish tank using",
"milton (stuff used to sterilize things) and put",
"the goldfish in a small bowl whilst it cleaned in",
"the kitchen.",
"so i walk into the kitchen and see the fish sat",
"in the small bowl and the fish tank full of what",
"i thought was just water and presumed my mum had",
"just been distracted and forgot to move them",
"back. so me being the good little helper i am",
"decided to put the fish back.",
"five minutes later i hear my mother shouting me",
"from the kitchen to which i arrive to a scene of",
"two goldfish dead in the fish tank. oops! on the",
"bright side the goldfish were now nice and clean!"
] |
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me and my bro had a goldfish each, and my mother
|
22 | 8 | 0.74 | 22 |
first off, i am a straight male.
i live in a shared house at university.
so my friend comes round to try out my new electronic cigarette supplies.
if you aren't aware the top parts of electronic cigarettes are often referred to as "heads" (actually called clearomizers/tanks)
so i fill up a head for my friend to take back and attach to his battery.
as he leaves he yelled, "thanks for the head", infront of everyone's windows and loud enough for everyone to hear.
|
housemates probably think i just performed fellatio on my mate.
|
"thanks for the head"
|
[
"first off, i am a straight male.",
"i live in a shared house at university.",
"so my friend comes round to try out my new",
"electronic cigarette supplies.",
"if you aren't aware the top parts of electronic",
"cigarettes are often referred to as \"heads\"",
"(actually called clearomizers/tanks)",
"so i fill up a head for my friend to take back",
"and attach to his battery.",
"as he leaves he yelled, \"thanks for the head\",",
"infront of everyone's windows and loud enough for",
"everyone to hear."
] |
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0,
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so i fill up a head for my friend to take back
|
3 | 1 | 1 | 3 |
hello tifu. long time lurker and first time poster here, mostly because i don't really know who else to share this with. besides, somebody might get a kick out of this or get that ever elusive "3-minutes-of-my-life-decently-spent" feeling. anyway...
this happened a few hours ago, so pretty fresh. over the summer i agreed to help out my dad with his little company by running errands and making deliveries and whatnot. he could use the help and my schedule is pretty much empty for the following few months. the experience will also come in handy, particularly with my driving skills. i've been only driving for a few months now. apparently, i had no idea how much.
i was to make a delivery today on an address i've never been to before. no biggie; after pointing fingers and drawing maps for a bit, my coworkers successfully explained to me where this place was. surely enough, 15 minutes later i was there with a smile on my face, a package in my arms and content in advance for a job well done. i park in a weird spot but i knew i'd be back pretty shortly and upon inspecting that i'm able to reverse my way out of the mess, i go ahead to do my job.
a few moments later i return only to find a clusterfuck on the parking lot. there's a van parked 2-3 meters behind me and another car right next to it, and another one a few meters behind the van. "eh, fuck it, i'll wait", i thought, and i should've done just that. but (un)fortunately, the co-driver of the car next to the van was present and she saw my intentions of getting the fuck out of there. she kindly reversed the car and made me some room to crawl out of my parking space and pass by the van. so i took a deep breath and grabbed the steering wheel with a determination and foolishness reserved for the inexperienced. the gap was pretty narrow and weirdly angled, but surprisingly, this is not where i fuck up.
so after a few minutes of wiggling my ass out of there and excreting a gallon of sweat, i'm out of my space and with freedom in sight (of my rear-view mirror). so thinking the worst is behind me, i confidently (yet still slowly, thank fuck) shifted into reverse and started heading out. that is, until a horrific sound of my back left corner scraping against something reaches me. i stop dead in my tracks, eyes wide and hands shaky. in my left rear-view mirror i see my car comfortably embedded into this guy's front bumper. i just fucking sat there for a few moments, waiting for the yells, implications of sexual intercourse with my mother/sister/dead relatives and threats of thorough beatings. luckily, i grew a pair of balls to pull ahead a tiny bit, get out of the car and inspect the damage.
i don't know that much about cars, but i'm fairly certain that part was not supposed to be bent like that. the damage on my car was pretty obvious but not the worst thing in the world. this guy though had nothing on his. the bumper was plastic and i didn't fuck up his headlights or fog lights or anything. he was really cool about it too. still, i felt a compensation was in order, so we made a deal, met half an hour later and i gave him some cash (had a bit saved, thankfully). after getting out of the parking lot with the help of almost five people, i scattered back to work, the little confidence i had crushed to oblivion.
my dad wasn't really that worried about it, we got insurance on it, although he doesn't like the fact that our only delivery car is going to be in the shop for a few days until it's fixed, so we're trying to get around that. not the biggest fuck-up in the world, but still...
|
can't drive in reverse, roughed up my dad's only delivery car just when he thought i was capable enough of getting around town by myself.
|
being incapable of driving out of a parking lot
|
[
"hello tifu. long time lurker and first time poster",
"here, mostly because i don't really know who else",
"to share this with. besides, somebody might get a",
"kick out of this or get that ever elusive",
"\"3-minutes-of-my-life-decently-spent\" feeling.",
"anyway...",
"this happened a few hours ago, so pretty fresh.",
"over the summer i agreed to help out my dad with",
"his little company by running errands and making",
"deliveries and whatnot. he could use the help and",
"my schedule is pretty much empty for the",
"following few months. the experience will also",
"come in handy, particularly with my driving",
"skills. i've been only driving for a few months",
"now. apparently, i had no idea how much.",
"i was to make a delivery today on an address i've",
"never been to before. no biggie; after pointing",
"fingers and drawing maps for a bit, my coworkers",
"successfully explained to me where this place",
"was. surely enough, 15 minutes later i was there",
"with a smile on my face, a package in my arms and",
"content in advance for a job well done. i park in",
"a weird spot but i knew i'd be back pretty",
"shortly and upon inspecting that i'm able to",
"reverse my way out of the mess, i go ahead to do",
"my job.",
"a few moments later i return only to find a",
"clusterfuck on the parking lot. there's a van",
"parked 2-3 meters behind me and another car right",
"next to it, and another one a few meters behind",
"the van. \"eh, fuck it, i'll wait\", i thought, and",
"i should've done just that. but (un)fortunately,",
"the co-driver of the car next to the van was",
"present and she saw my intentions of getting the",
"fuck out of there. she kindly reversed the car",
"and made me some room to crawl out of my parking",
"space and pass by the van. so i took a deep",
"breath and grabbed the steering wheel with a",
"determination and foolishness reserved for the",
"inexperienced. the gap was pretty narrow and",
"weirdly angled, but surprisingly, this is not",
"where i fuck up.",
"so after a few minutes of wiggling my ass out of",
"there and excreting a gallon of sweat, i'm out of",
"my space and with freedom in sight (of my",
"rear-view mirror). so thinking the worst is",
"behind me, i confidently (yet still slowly, thank",
"fuck) shifted into reverse and started heading",
"out. that is, until a horrific sound of my back",
"left corner scraping against something reaches",
"me. i stop dead in my tracks, eyes wide and hands",
"shaky. in my left rear-view mirror i see my car",
"comfortably embedded into this guy's front",
"bumper. i just fucking sat there for a few",
"moments, waiting for the yells, implications of",
"sexual intercourse with my mother/sister/dead",
"relatives and threats of thorough beatings.",
"luckily, i grew a pair of balls to pull ahead a",
"tiny bit, get out of the car and inspect the",
"damage.",
"i don't know that much about cars, but i'm fairly",
"certain that part was not supposed to be bent",
"like that. the damage on my car was pretty",
"obvious but not the worst thing in the world.",
"this guy though had nothing on his. the bumper",
"was plastic and i didn't fuck up his headlights",
"or fog lights or anything. he was really cool",
"about it too. still, i felt a compensation was in",
"order, so we made a deal, met half an hour later",
"and i gave him some cash (had a bit saved,",
"thankfully). after getting out of the parking lot",
"with the help of almost five people, i scattered",
"back to work, the little confidence i had crushed",
"to oblivion.",
"my dad wasn't really that worried about it, we",
"got insurance on it, although he doesn't like the",
"fact that our only delivery car is going to be in",
"the shop for a few days until it's fixed, so",
"we're trying to get around that. not the biggest",
"fuck-up in the world, but still..."
] |
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was. surely enough, 15 minutes later i was there present and she saw my intentions of getting the fact that our only delivery car is going to be in
|
29 | 22 | 0.94 | 29 |
this happened last night. my sister and i (both 17) have bees staying at a resort the past few days, and we noticed that you could always hear frogs when walking by a particular stream. last night was our last night there, so sis says, "hey! let's try and catch one!" we turn on our iphone flashlights and went to work. catching them turned out to be pretty easy.
my sister managed to get one of these tiny frogs clasped between her hands. no sooner had she don't this when we hear a rowdy group of 20 something's coming straight from the bar. as they're bearing down on us, seeing my sister with her hands closed and the croaking of a frog, they're like, "omg you caught one! let me see let me see!"
here's the fuck up.
we were soon crowded by strangers trying to hold, and film this poor frog. then, one of the males of the group spoke up.
"hey! i caught this huge bass yesterday! who wants to see?!?"
without waiting for an answer, he whips out his phone and pulls up a video while we all crowd around him. he hits play, and there it is, a huge bass, sucking his dick. the video is of him and his friends forcing this fish's mouth over the guys dong. now i've seen some fucked up shit in my days on the interwebz, but my sister was a pure spirit, and she freaked out. she dropped the frog and ran back to the room, and she hasn't spoken to me since.
|
went frog catching with my sister, watched a video, fish beastiality, now she won't talk to me.
|
catching frogs with my sister
|
[
"this happened last night. my sister and i (both",
"17) have bees staying at a resort the past few",
"days, and we noticed that you could always hear",
"frogs when walking by a particular stream. last",
"night was our last night there, so sis says,",
"\"hey! let's try and catch one!\" we turn on our",
"iphone flashlights and went to work. catching",
"them turned out to be pretty easy.",
"my sister managed to get one of these tiny frogs",
"clasped between her hands. no sooner had she",
"don't this when we hear a rowdy group of 20",
"something's coming straight from the bar. as",
"they're bearing down on us, seeing my sister with",
"her hands closed and the croaking of a frog,",
"they're like, \"omg you caught one! let me see let",
"me see!\"",
"here's the fuck up.",
"we were soon crowded by strangers trying to hold,",
"and film this poor frog. then, one of the males",
"of the group spoke up.",
"\"hey! i caught this huge bass yesterday! who",
"wants to see?!?\"",
"without waiting for an answer, he whips out his",
"phone and pulls up a video while we all crowd",
"around him. he hits play, and there it is, a huge",
"bass, sucking his dick. the video is of him and",
"his friends forcing this fish's mouth over the",
"guys dong. now i've seen some fucked up shit in",
"my days on the interwebz, but my sister was a",
"pure spirit, and she freaked out. she dropped the",
"frog and ran back to the room, and she hasn't",
"spoken to me since."
] |
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they're bearing down on us, seeing my sister with phone and pulls up a video while we all crowd spoken to me since.
|
8 | 12 | 0.74 | 8 |
i had just finished putting canned food onto the paper plates to feed the cats. flower, my second youngest cat, always waits on the scratching post right next to the counter. i turned to give her the plate, just like every other day, but this time i accidentally hit her in the face.
i immediately start telling her i'm so sorry, pet her, and she's flinching. turns out i got her right in the eye. within the next few minutes, she had her eye open again, but the damage to our bond has been done, probably.
|
i accidentally hit my cat in the eye with the edge of a paper plate.
|
feeding my cats
|
[
"i had just finished putting canned food onto the",
"paper plates to feed the cats. flower, my second",
"youngest cat, always waits on the scratching post",
"right next to the counter. i turned to give her",
"the plate, just like every other day, but this",
"time i accidentally hit her in the face.",
"i immediately start telling her i'm so sorry, pet",
"her, and she's flinching. turns out i got her",
"right in the eye. within the next few minutes,",
"she had her eye open again, but the damage to our",
"bond has been done, probably."
] |
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0
] |
time i accidentally hit her in the face.
|
0 | 2 | 0.5 | 0 |
so before heading to work i went and made oatmeal on the stove (trying to stay away from preservatives found in the instant stuff). after i poured the food into the bowl it needed to cool down a bit so i set it on the table and decided to play with the cats. i reach for one of the cat toys that acts like a whip which they love to swipe at. while flinging it back and forth it went just high enough to clip the fan. as the fan grabbed hold it slid down one of the blades releasing a mountain of dust right into the oatmeal. yeah, i am going to work hungry this morning.
|
made oatmeal, let it cool and played with cats, toy was grabbed in the air by fan releasing dust into oatmeal
|
not cleaning my ceiling fans
|
[
"so before heading to work i went and made oatmeal",
"on the stove (trying to stay away from",
"preservatives found in the instant stuff). after",
"i poured the food into the bowl it needed to cool",
"down a bit so i set it on the table and decided",
"to play with the cats. i reach for one of the cat",
"toys that acts like a whip which they love to",
"swipe at. while flinging it back and forth it",
"went just high enough to clip the fan. as the fan",
"grabbed hold it slid down one of the blades",
"releasing a mountain of dust right into the",
"oatmeal. yeah, i am going to work hungry this",
"morning."
] |
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] |
so before heading to work i went and made oatmeal preservatives found in the instant stuff). after releasing a mountain of dust right into the
|
408 | 51 | 0.95 | 408 |
this is actually happened on saturday.
so i was running extremely low on eggs and i had to make sure we had some for sunday breakfast. i hopped in the car, drove to the grocery store, gathered my eggs, paid, and began my delightful stroll back to my car. i was in a particularly chipper mood that after noon for some reason, so i was walking a nice, casual walk, with my keys in hand, spinning said keys around my fingers. just then, as if the gods decided i was having too good of a time, my keys flew off finger and i watched as it was falling straight for a sewer grate!
now, there was no time for decision making here, so in one quick fluid motion, i took one giant step forward and kicked my keys mid air, as to divert them from landing in the sewer grate. it was graceful as fuck. the not so graceful part? as my foot made contact with the keys, i noticed the new target. a child, about knee high, walking with his mom. the keys strike the child directly in the face. immediately regretting my life choices, i cover my mouth and prepare myself to profusely apologize.
that is, until the kid reacts. this kid looked like those people in those infomercials. his arms flailed like a wacky inflatable tube man. his legs sprung out from underneath him and he made this sound, that i could only describe as the sound that forrest gump makes as a child after the principal bangs his mom. this kid shatnered the hell out of his performance. so, i lost my shit. i removed my hand from my mouth, and instead of saying sorry, i burst out laughing. the mother, was less than happy. she looked at me like i was hitler and she was going to murder me in vengeance of all those jews, and if it wasn't for the fact that the kid got right up and didn't even cry, i'd probably be dead. she tends to her child and looks at me again, and i'm pretty sure she was about to start some huge as rant, possibly call the cops, i don't even know. at this point, i had already grabbed my keys, ran to my car, and drove home.
i left the eggs on the ground in the parking lot.
|
saved keys from falling into a sewer grate by punting them into a child's face. ran away from the scary mom, and forgot my eggs.
|
striking a child and laughing in his face.
|
[
"this is actually happened on saturday.",
"so i was running extremely low on eggs and i had",
"to make sure we had some for sunday breakfast. i",
"hopped in the car, drove to the grocery store,",
"gathered my eggs, paid, and began my delightful",
"stroll back to my car. i was in a particularly",
"chipper mood that after noon for some reason, so",
"i was walking a nice, casual walk, with my keys",
"in hand, spinning said keys around my fingers.",
"just then, as if the gods decided i was having",
"too good of a time, my keys flew off finger and i",
"watched as it was falling straight for a sewer",
"grate!",
"now, there was no time for decision making here,",
"so in one quick fluid motion, i took one giant",
"step forward and kicked my keys mid air, as to",
"divert them from landing in the sewer grate. it",
"was graceful as fuck. the not so graceful part?",
"as my foot made contact with the keys, i noticed",
"the new target. a child, about knee high,",
"walking with his mom. the keys strike the child",
"directly in the face. immediately regretting my",
"life choices, i cover my mouth and prepare myself",
"to profusely apologize.",
"that is, until the kid reacts. this kid looked",
"like those people in those infomercials. his",
"arms flailed like a wacky inflatable tube man.",
"his legs sprung out from underneath him and he",
"made this sound, that i could only describe as",
"the sound that forrest gump makes as a child",
"after the principal bangs his mom. this kid",
"shatnered the hell out of his performance. so, i",
"lost my shit. i removed my hand from my mouth,",
"and instead of saying sorry, i burst out",
"laughing. the mother, was less than happy. she",
"looked at me like i was hitler and she was going",
"to murder me in vengeance of all those jews, and",
"if it wasn't for the fact that the kid got right",
"up and didn't even cry, i'd probably be dead.",
"she tends to her child and looks at me again, and",
"i'm pretty sure she was about to start some huge",
"as rant, possibly call the cops, i don't even",
"know. at this point, i had already grabbed my",
"keys, ran to my car, and drove home.",
"i left the eggs on the ground in the parking lot."
] |
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gathered my eggs, paid, and began my delightful watched as it was falling straight for a sewer divert them from landing in the sewer grate. it
|
16 | 17 | 0.81 | 16 |
mandatory: it happened last weekend.
so reddit, this is my first tifu post after being a long time lurker here. hope my tifu can be a good read for you guys!
last saturday i was invited to a birthday party from my good friend. he is not straight *(bear in my mind, this is a very important details for the story onward)* and already has a partner but he is very nice and friendly. i am a straight man, but have nothing against them. i appreciate them as they are and do not have problem whatsoever with gay men.
finally the party time comes, and there was around 30 people there. it was mixed also, some of them are straight, some came with their family and children, but 50% of them i guess are gay. i already met some of them before, and they were also very nice, friendly, i could even say nicer than most people i knew. we had a good time, drinking some beer and enjoying the great food that my friend cooked.
at some point i met this tall, professional looking guy, i'm certainly sure that he's from the area but strangely he didn't try to speak the country's language and always tried to speak in english even though i'm really sure he already overheard me speaking the local language. we just chatted a little bit and then that's all.
there comes midnight, happy-birthday-song ensued, and we congratulated my friend, and then comes the fuck up. because of everybody were so nice to me i kinda get carried away and forgot that i'm in a 50% gay birthday party.
this tall guy came to me and started a little chit chat beginning with do you like this country, blablabla. and then he asked me, ''do you like the girls from here?'' i said maybe not yet, i haven't found anybody who's interesting enough, and because of the cultural differences also it's a little bit difficult. he continued, ''maybe do you like the girls from your country more?'' i said, yea, maybe, but also at this point there's nobody i'm interested in. **i think this is my fuck up because i guess he's trying to make sure if i'm straight or not, and i didn't pick up his signals**. he started talking about many thing, including also maybe the chances of finding a job in my country, but with an increasingly decreasing distance, always getting closer to me. i started to get a little bit uncomfortable, but tried also to be polite and not to offend him. at some point i guess it's already too close (his face were just ± 10 cm away from my face) and i said i needed some fresh air. he said, yea, i guess me too, and he complained about having nothing to drink anymore and needed to ask my friend. suddenly, while he was moving outside he grabs my arm in manner just like me grabbing a girl's booty. *i was freaked out* and tried to get my arm out of his grab. it succeeded, i hurried outside and luckily there's 5-6 other persons (including the birthday guy) there. he went straight to my friend asking something, and he saw an ice cream in front of him, asked if he could take that, and proceeded to eat one bite. suddenly, he asked if anybody wants the ice cream also, but instead of waiting for somebody to answer **he quickly leaned to the front of my face with the ice cream and the spoon already with some ice cream trying to get it into my mouth** . i was surprised, quickly said no, and in 5 minutes i said goodbye to everybody and left. it was one of the freakiest and possibly scariest moment of my life. i should've been more aware to the party situation and said ''i have a girlfirend''. should've saved my ass :s
**disclaimer again: i have nothing against gay people. i respect them as they are, but if they're aggresive and trying their luck with me, i flee.**
edit: spelling, formatting
edit2: wording
|
50% gay party, wasn't aware of the situation because everybody was so nice, a guy tried his luck with me in an uncomfortable manner — i fled.
|
not being aware to the situation i was in
|
[
"mandatory: it happened last weekend.",
"so reddit, this is my first tifu post after being",
"a long time lurker here. hope my tifu can be a",
"good read for you guys!",
"last saturday i was invited to a birthday party",
"from my good friend. he is not straight *(bear in",
"my mind, this is a very important details for the",
"story onward)* and already has a partner but he",
"is very nice and friendly. i am a straight man,",
"but have nothing against them. i appreciate them",
"as they are and do not have problem whatsoever",
"with gay men.",
"finally the party time comes, and there was",
"around 30 people there. it was mixed also, some",
"of them are straight, some came with their family",
"and children, but 50% of them i guess are gay. i",
"already met some of them before, and they were",
"also very nice, friendly, i could even say nicer",
"than most people i knew. we had a good time,",
"drinking some beer and enjoying the great food",
"that my friend cooked.",
"at some point i met this tall, professional",
"looking guy, i'm certainly sure that he's from",
"the area but strangely he didn't try to speak the",
"country's language and always tried to speak in",
"english even though i'm really sure he already",
"overheard me speaking the local language. we just",
"chatted a little bit and then that's all.",
"there comes midnight, happy-birthday-song ensued,",
"and we congratulated my friend, and then comes",
"the fuck up. because of everybody were so nice to",
"me i kinda get carried away and forgot that i'm",
"in a 50% gay birthday party.",
"this tall guy came to me and started a little",
"chit chat beginning with do you like this",
"country, blablabla. and then he asked me, ''do",
"you like the girls from here?'' i said maybe not",
"yet, i haven't found anybody who's interesting",
"enough, and because of the cultural differences",
"also it's a little bit difficult. he continued,",
"''maybe do you like the girls from your country",
"more?'' i said, yea, maybe, but also at this",
"point there's nobody i'm interested in. **i think",
"this is my fuck up because i guess he's trying to",
"make sure if i'm straight or not, and i didn't",
"pick up his signals**. he started talking about",
"many thing, including also maybe the chances of",
"finding a job in my country, but with an",
"increasingly decreasing distance, always getting",
"closer to me. i started to get a little bit",
"uncomfortable, but tried also to be polite and",
"not to offend him. at some point i guess it's",
"already too close (his face were just ± 10 cm",
"away from my face) and i said i needed some fresh",
"air. he said, yea, i guess me too, and he",
"complained about having nothing to drink anymore",
"and needed to ask my friend. suddenly, while he",
"was moving outside he grabs my arm in manner just",
"like me grabbing a girl's booty. *i was freaked",
"out* and tried to get my arm out of his grab. it",
"succeeded, i hurried outside and luckily there's",
"5-6 other persons (including the birthday guy)",
"there. he went straight to my friend asking",
"something, and he saw an ice cream in front of",
"him, asked if he could take that, and proceeded",
"to eat one bite. suddenly, he asked if anybody",
"wants the ice cream also, but instead of waiting",
"for somebody to answer **he quickly leaned to the",
"front of my face with the ice cream and the spoon",
"already with some ice cream trying to get it into",
"my mouth** . i was surprised, quickly said no,",
"and in 5 minutes i said goodbye to everybody and",
"left. it was one of the freakiest and possibly",
"scariest moment of my life. i should've been more",
"aware to the party situation and said ''i have a",
"girlfirend''. should've saved my ass :s",
"**disclaimer again: i have nothing against gay",
"people. i respect them as they are, but if",
"they're aggresive and trying their luck with me,",
"i flee.**",
"edit: spelling, formatting\nedit2: wording"
] |
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the fuck up. because of everybody were so nice to in a 50% gay birthday party. they're aggresive and trying their luck with me,
|
0 | 21 | 0.5 | 0 |
funny, this actually happened less than an hour ago.
i found out that my uncle has access to my phone (pictures, emails, contacts litterally everything) i am 18, but he pays for my phone so its on his plan, but nobody told me he would be able to have access to it. he sent my personal photos (ment for my fiances eyes only) and i was trying to find ways of removing his cellular device from mygmail account, i kept looking on my phone but couldnt find the answers, which led me running to my laptop to see if i could remove it from there.
now heres where i fucked up. in so many past relationships i have been cheated on, and now that im pregnant with my fiances child, im even more afraid he will either cheat or leave..i got on google and his account was logged in...i went looking...
now i know what everyones going to say, 'well, why were you looking anyway?' 'why did you go snooping, thats a violation of privacy' yes. i know. believe me, i understand what violation of privacy feels like.
there was nothing at first...then i went to the trash folder and found all these replies to craigslist personal adds. there was the w4m and even a few m4m. now i am completely hurt and confused and seriously broken. i dont care of the genders, i myself play both sides (i love women as much as i love men) its the fact hes either cheating on me, or trying to.
now i dont know whether to stay or leave or try to work things out...i mean...i really love this man with all my heart and soul...and im carrying his child..
|
creeper uncle situation sends me to my laptop, worried pregnant fiancee goes looking thru other halfs email, finds sexual personal craigslist ad replies.
|
being a worried girlfriend and looking thru my boyfriends email.
|
[
"funny, this actually happened less than an hour",
"ago.",
"i found out that my uncle has access to my phone",
"(pictures, emails, contacts litterally",
"everything) i am 18, but he pays for my phone so",
"its on his plan, but nobody told me he would be",
"able to have access to it. he sent my personal",
"photos (ment for my fiances eyes only) and i was",
"trying to find ways of removing his cellular",
"device from mygmail account, i kept looking on my",
"phone but couldnt find the answers, which led me",
"running to my laptop to see if i could remove it",
"from there.",
"now heres where i fucked up. in so many past",
"relationships i have been cheated on, and now",
"that im pregnant with my fiances child, im even",
"more afraid he will either cheat or leave..i got",
"on google and his account was logged in...i went",
"looking...",
"now i know what everyones going to say, 'well,",
"why were you looking anyway?' 'why did you go",
"snooping, thats a violation of privacy' yes. i",
"know. believe me, i understand what violation of",
"privacy feels like.",
"there was nothing at first...then i went to the",
"trash folder and found all these replies to",
"craigslist personal adds. there was the w4m and",
"even a few m4m. now i am completely hurt and",
"confused and seriously broken. i dont care of the",
"genders, i myself play both sides (i love women",
"as much as i love men) its the fact hes either",
"cheating on me, or trying to.",
"now i dont know whether to stay or leave or try",
"to work things out...i mean...i really love this",
"man with all my heart and soul...and im carrying",
"his child.."
] |
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running to my laptop to see if i could remove it looking... craigslist personal adds. there was the w4m and cheating on me, or trying to.
|
2 | 3 | 1 | 2 |
a few years back i was working as a runner/driver for an australian based concert promoter. i was not long in the job and was shuttling management and security around venues etc. a fairly standard low stress vibe.
anyway i was working on the sydney leg of springsteen's australian tour and was out the back of his hotel waiting for my security guys to show.
suddenly, bruce's manager opens my van door and "the boss" jumps in. now i was a tad concerned as i hadn't encountered a "principal" up to this point, and the pressure level not to fuck up rose significantly.
we had a nice chat for 5 mins and then his family arrived and proceeded to pack into the 9 seat van. they just kept coming. his wife, the kids, their friends, the kids minder, the manager, way too many but bruce was unconcerned.
as we set off, the boss was crammed seatless against the sliding door, very cramped yet still uncomplaining. so we headed for bondi beach toward the breakfast location and i was shitting bricks. we were way overloaded and no one wore seatbelts.
i knew our destination but had never dropped anyone there, so potential for balls ups were rather high. i put on my game face and thought furiously, you've got this bro!
how wrong i was.
as we cruised down the hill toward bondi, the clouds darkened and unleashed a horrendous torrential downpour over the whole region. the rain was relentless, and as we pulled up at the destination there was a river of storm water pouring down the street.
i pulled up as the water gushed over the curb. bruce popped open the door as horizontal, machine gun like bullet sized rain pelted into the van, instantly soaking all inside as they extricated themselves from the van and waded through the flood toward the lobby of the restaurant.
as i was sitting there thinking what a royal fuck up that was, the security detail arrived and their driver pulled up the gutter and under the awning, high and dry. i literally face palmed myself and drove off in disgust at my newbness.
my phone immediately began ringing and beeping as the news of ineptness spread far and wide throughout the production crew and they all expressed their hilarity and mirthful scorn at my epic fail. for shame.
i didn't drive or talk to the boss again. did keep my job though and enjoyed another decade of brilliant gigs and unforgettable musical memories.
|
dropped springsteen and his family off in the soaking rain cause i was too pussy to drive onto the footpath.
|
soaking bruce springsteen and his entire family!
|
[
"a few years back i was working as a runner/driver",
"for an australian based concert promoter. i was",
"not long in the job and was shuttling management",
"and security around venues etc. a fairly standard",
"low stress vibe.",
"anyway i was working on the sydney leg of",
"springsteen's australian tour and was out the",
"back of his hotel waiting for my security guys to",
"show.",
"suddenly, bruce's manager opens my van door and",
"\"the boss\" jumps in. now i was a tad concerned as",
"i hadn't encountered a \"principal\" up to this",
"point, and the pressure level not to fuck up rose",
"significantly.",
"we had a nice chat for 5 mins and then his family",
"arrived and proceeded to pack into the 9 seat",
"van. they just kept coming. his wife, the kids,",
"their friends, the kids minder, the manager, way",
"too many but bruce was unconcerned.",
"as we set off, the boss was crammed seatless",
"against the sliding door, very cramped yet still",
"uncomplaining. so we headed for bondi beach",
"toward the breakfast location and i was shitting",
"bricks. we were way overloaded and no one wore",
"seatbelts.",
"i knew our destination but had never dropped",
"anyone there, so potential for balls ups were",
"rather high. i put on my game face and thought",
"furiously, you've got this bro!",
"how wrong i was.",
"as we cruised down the hill toward bondi, the",
"clouds darkened and unleashed a horrendous",
"torrential downpour over the whole region. the",
"rain was relentless, and as we pulled up at the",
"destination there was a river of storm water",
"pouring down the street.",
"i pulled up as the water gushed over the curb.",
"bruce popped open the door as horizontal, machine",
"gun like bullet sized rain pelted into the van,",
"instantly soaking all inside as they extricated",
"themselves from the van and waded through the",
"flood toward the lobby of the restaurant.",
"as i was sitting there thinking what a royal fuck",
"up that was, the security detail arrived and",
"their driver pulled up the gutter and under the",
"awning, high and dry. i literally face palmed",
"myself and drove off in disgust at my newbness.",
"my phone immediately began ringing and beeping as",
"the news of ineptness spread far and wide",
"throughout the production crew and they all",
"expressed their hilarity and mirthful scorn at my",
"epic fail. for shame.",
"i didn't drive or talk to the boss again. did",
"keep my job though and enjoyed another decade of",
"brilliant gigs and unforgettable musical",
"memories."
] |
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how wrong i was. myself and drove off in disgust at my newbness. i didn't drive or talk to the boss again. did
|
53 | 24 | 0.89 | 53 |
tifu.. twice actually..
tonight, i went to see my girlfriend at her family's home (dad, mom, and sister)
my gf's family have a huge love for animals, as so do i. they have a pug, two cats, 4 birds, a rabbit... my gf got the rabbit, binky, recently. this of course made my gf's little sister jealous and sooky.
she begged and begged her mom into giving her a pet... she's 11 years old by the way. the mom, of course, got her a pet, probably to shut her up for a day.
they got her a hamster. i used to have a hamster as a child and i loved it dearly as it was my first furry pet. my family are allergic to every goddamn thing. rip tiny (my hamster) who died from a tumor.
anyways...
we, the family, were all in the living room while the sister was showing off her new little pet. it was in its cage and i wanted to take the hamster out to pet it as i used to pet mine, my hamster was a very calm furry guy.
as soon as i took the sister's hamster out, it booted out of my hands, making a run for it and next thing i see is my gf, her sister and the evil cat (the other one is a sweetheart) chasing after the poor guy. he manged to get under the fridge.
snaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapppp
there are rat traps behind the fridge and this is where i panicked because i helped them place that trap and i remembered.
yup, i killed my gf's sister's hamster. i don't think i'll ever forgive myself after tonight... it was just brutal, the sister was on the ground rolling around, bawling her little eyes out, screaming on the top of her lungs, i can still hear it in my head. i just felt so horrible and i couldn't look at anyone or anybody.
so, later that night, after apologizing to my gf and her family a dozen times, they understood it was a mistake. they seemed calmed down then.
there was awkward silence which was unusual for me in my gf's family and i always feel like it's my job to break the silence because awkwardness wasn't my biggest strength.
to break that silence, i made a horrible joke way to soon or shouldn't have ever said it at all. i said to my gf in front of her family "at least your pop (grandfather) won't be hungry tonight". what i meant by this was that he has the hamster to eat now. he and many old people in my town make jokes about eating our pets when they die or say they are going to kill them and eat them ... they were raised on a farm so they aren't really sensitive people towards animals...
after making that horrible joke, i could see that my gf's whole family's faces are mortified. yes, i fucked up. okay. i make bad choices when i am under stress. especially bad jokes. i am a canadian so i guess i fall in that stereotype where "we" can't make jokes or we have bad humor...
i explained to my gf and her family that i always impluse to do dumb decisions or say something dumb under stress and i was stressed by my second fuck up... i think they understood but yeah... they let it pass...
what a horrible, unexpected night.
rest in peace "abubba" (the hamster) i really am sorry..
i guess i could say i am lucky that my gf and her family are very understanding and forgiving. like i said, i won't ever forgive myself for this. what a fuck up x2.
|
killed my gf's sister's hamster then made a joke about it to my gf's family.
|
which resulted my gf's family to be mortified...
|
[
"tifu.. twice actually..",
"tonight, i went to see my girlfriend at her",
"family's home (dad, mom, and sister)",
"my gf's family have a huge love for animals, as",
"so do i. they have a pug, two cats, 4 birds, a",
"rabbit... my gf got the rabbit, binky, recently.",
"this of course made my gf's little sister jealous",
"and sooky.",
"she begged and begged her mom into giving her a",
"pet... she's 11 years old by the way. the mom, of",
"course, got her a pet, probably to shut her up",
"for a day.",
"they got her a hamster. i used to have a hamster",
"as a child and i loved it dearly as it was my",
"first furry pet. my family are allergic to every",
"goddamn thing. rip tiny (my hamster) who died",
"from a tumor.",
"anyways...",
"we, the family, were all in the living room while",
"the sister was showing off her new little pet. it",
"was in its cage and i wanted to take the hamster",
"out to pet it as i used to pet mine, my hamster",
"was a very calm furry guy.",
"as soon as i took the sister's hamster out, it",
"booted out of my hands, making a run for it and",
"next thing i see is my gf, her sister and the",
"evil cat (the other one is a sweetheart) chasing",
"after the poor guy. he manged to get under the",
"fridge.",
"snaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapppp",
"there are rat traps behind the fridge and this is",
"where i panicked because i helped them place that",
"trap and i remembered.",
"yup, i killed my gf's sister's hamster. i don't",
"think i'll ever forgive myself after tonight...",
"it was just brutal, the sister was on the ground",
"rolling around, bawling her little eyes out,",
"screaming on the top of her lungs, i can still",
"hear it in my head. i just felt so horrible and i",
"couldn't look at anyone or anybody.",
"so, later that night, after apologizing to my gf",
"and her family a dozen times, they understood it",
"was a mistake. they seemed calmed down then.",
"there was awkward silence which was unusual for",
"me in my gf's family and i always feel like it's",
"my job to break the silence because awkwardness",
"wasn't my biggest strength.",
"to break that silence, i made a horrible joke way",
"to soon or shouldn't have ever said it at all. i",
"said to my gf in front of her family \"at least",
"your pop (grandfather) won't be hungry tonight\".",
"what i meant by this was that he has the hamster",
"to eat now. he and many old people in my town",
"make jokes about eating our pets when they die or",
"say they are going to kill them and eat them ...",
"they were raised on a farm so they aren't really",
"sensitive people towards animals...",
"after making that horrible joke, i could see that",
"my gf's whole family's faces are mortified. yes,",
"i fucked up. okay. i make bad choices when i am",
"under stress. especially bad jokes. i am a",
"canadian so i guess i fall in that stereotype",
"where \"we\" can't make jokes or we have bad",
"humor...",
"i explained to my gf and her family that i always",
"impluse to do dumb decisions or say something",
"dumb under stress and i was stressed by my second",
"fuck up... i think they understood but yeah...",
"they let it pass...",
"what a horrible, unexpected night.",
"rest in peace \"abubba\" (the hamster) i really am",
"sorry..",
"i guess i could say i am lucky that my gf and her",
"family are very understanding and forgiving. like",
"i said, i won't ever forgive myself for this.",
"what a fuck up x2."
] |
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yup, i killed my gf's sister's hamster. i don't to break that silence, i made a horrible joke way
|
3 | 0 | 1 | 3 |
so this happened about 2 months ago but stay with me here.
this adventure of pain and shame all begins when i'm in my theatre class and we receive an assignment to create a five minute scene, using as little dialogue and as much physical movement as we can; so naturally my group of fellow classmates are totally at a loss of what to do.
of course i have the brightest idea any youth of a humble seventeen years can come up with, let's do a scene about professional wrestling! as a wwe fan in my wee childhood i was ready to act out my dream of being a completely timid and overly peppy diva. so we create our scene, complete with a stellar rendition of “why can't we be friends" and take the stage in front of roughly 45 fellow classmates and of course our theatre teacher, ready with her grading pen in hand and blank stare that she grants all of our performances.
i’m offstage and my classmate introduces me in typical ring announcer fashion and i come skipping onto the stage, jumping and smiling while waving at my “fans”. now, i have played softball for six years and have done dance classes for a measly 2 or 3, so walking on stage *should’ve* been a simple task that anyone with the slightest bit of coordination can accomplish.
i make it not four feet onto the stage when i stumble and hear a sharp crack, followed by a pain that was worse than the time i failed my spanish final 1st semester. i had assumed, naively, that i had kicked a chair off to the side of the stage and that’s what made such a loud noise. (for those of you following at home you may have realized this was not, in fact, the case. ) so while my foot feels like hannibal lecter is carving it up for his next meal, i totally go with the stumble and limp onto stage still smiling and waving, because tripping on the way to the wrestling ring is totally something an inexperienced diva would do, and continue to milk the laughter from the crowd bc nothing is worse than a dead audience.
this was of course the moment where i had to pretend to wrestle my fellow classmate, a tall powerful girl, who i had previously told that of course she could tackle me to the ground! of course i could run circles around her while repeatedly get thrown to floor!
eventually we finish our scene, by this point i am thoroughly, completely, regretting my life and my choices, and i hobble off stage and one person unexpectedly commented on how well timed my stumble was and i wasn't going to tell them i tripped so i just smiled and thanked them and went on my hobbly way.
this went on for the next few days stubbornly refusing to admit my foot felt like it was falling off of my leg, never to be seen. and an athletic friend of mine told me it was just sprained, she knew for certain! or else i wouldn't have been able to walk on it for two days, she asserted adamantly. i obviously didn't want to act like a baby if it was only bruised or something so i protested equally as wholeheartedly to my parents that i was fine.
there is a special place in the world for moms who can see through teenage bullshit and didn’t want our summer european vacation to be ruined so she took to me to the podiatrist and, surprise surprise, i had completely fractured my fifth metatarsal! i’ve been in a cast for a little over two months now (i s2g if i have to hear another "oh goaskalicelol you've finally been cast in something! i will cry), with 0 weight bearing capacity in my right foot so no driving or walking has been really great, definitely worth getting 30 points on a five minute assignment!
edit: spelling
|
tifu by taking “break a leg” too literally; broke my foot, but didn’t break character, as they say, the show must go on!
|
taking "break a leg" a little too literally...
|
[
"so this happened about 2 months ago but stay with",
"me here.",
"this adventure of pain and shame all begins when",
"i'm in my theatre class and we receive an",
"assignment to create a five minute scene, using",
"as little dialogue and as much physical movement",
"as we can; so naturally my group of fellow",
"classmates are totally at a loss of what to do.",
"of course i have the brightest idea any youth of",
"a humble seventeen years can come up with, let's",
"do a scene about professional wrestling! as a wwe",
"fan in my wee childhood i was ready to act out my",
"dream of being a completely timid and overly",
"peppy diva. so we create our scene, complete with",
"a stellar rendition of “why can't we be friends\"",
"and take the stage in front of roughly 45 fellow",
"classmates and of course our theatre teacher,",
"ready with her grading pen in hand and blank",
"stare that she grants all of our performances.",
"i’m offstage and my classmate introduces me in",
"typical ring announcer fashion and i come",
"skipping onto the stage, jumping and smiling",
"while waving at my “fans”. now, i have played",
"softball for six years and have done dance",
"classes for a measly 2 or 3, so walking on stage",
"*should’ve* been a simple task that anyone with",
"the slightest bit of coordination can accomplish.",
"i make it not four feet onto the stage when i",
"stumble and hear a sharp crack, followed by a",
"pain that was worse than the time i failed my",
"spanish final 1st semester. i had assumed,",
"naively, that i had kicked a chair off to the",
"side of the stage and that’s what made such a",
"loud noise. (for those of you following at home",
"you may have realized this was not, in fact, the",
"case. ) so while my foot feels like hannibal",
"lecter is carving it up for his next meal, i",
"totally go with the stumble and limp onto stage",
"still smiling and waving, because tripping on the",
"way to the wrestling ring is totally something an",
"inexperienced diva would do, and continue to milk",
"the laughter from the crowd bc nothing is worse",
"than a dead audience.",
"this was of course the moment where i had to",
"pretend to wrestle my fellow classmate, a tall",
"powerful girl, who i had previously told that of",
"course she could tackle me to the ground! of",
"course i could run circles around her while",
"repeatedly get thrown to floor!",
"eventually we finish our scene, by this point i",
"am thoroughly, completely, regretting my life and",
"my choices, and i hobble off stage and one person",
"unexpectedly commented on how well timed my",
"stumble was and i wasn't going to tell them i",
"tripped so i just smiled and thanked them and",
"went on my hobbly way.",
"this went on for the next few days stubbornly",
"refusing to admit my foot felt like it was",
"falling off of my leg, never to be seen. and an",
"athletic friend of mine told me it was just",
"sprained, she knew for certain! or else i",
"wouldn't have been able to walk on it for two",
"days, she asserted adamantly. i obviously didn't",
"want to act like a baby if it was only bruised or",
"something so i protested equally as",
"wholeheartedly to my parents that i was fine.",
"there is a special place in the world for moms",
"who can see through teenage bullshit and didn’t",
"want our summer european vacation to be ruined so",
"she took to me to the podiatrist and, surprise",
"surprise, i had completely fractured my fifth",
"metatarsal! i’ve been in a cast for a little over",
"two months now (i s2g if i have to hear another",
"\"oh goaskalicelol you've finally been cast in",
"something! i will cry), with 0 weight bearing",
"capacity in my right foot so no driving or",
"walking has been really great, definitely worth",
"getting 30 points on a five minute assignment!",
"edit: spelling"
] |
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stumble and hear a sharp crack, followed by a case. ) so while my foot feels like hannibal still smiling and waving, because tripping on the
|
0 | 0 | 0.5 | 0 |
less than 60 minutes ago. my colleague calls me over, something about what “she found in her cube.” instantly smelling an adventure, i came around the corner and she points to a cicada husk that’s sitting right inside the window on her cubicle. brown, wrinkly, split right down the back, and depending on your perspective either fascinating or disgusting. now, i can and do appreciate the wonders of nature as much of the next guy. that whole living underground for years and years, then climbing up on the tree and shedding the old husk before flying off for their brief above ground life, it’s epic.
let’s clear this up right now. i did not bring a cicada husk to work. some anonymous (and rather disgusting) employee, probably on another shift, decided to bring in this intriguing specimen and then leave it to surprise the next person who works in that cubicle. generally speaking, i expect to find cicada husks on trees. there is a remarkable absence of trees inside the building and consequently, one would not expect cicadas to be wandering around. taking all this into account, the two of us decide that it’s pretty revolting that someone decided to bring this to work and leave it there. we decide to have a quick word with our supervisors to see if they can find out who done this.
here’s the fuck up. i grab a kleenex and scoop up the cicada husk (creeping out my colleague even more, i actually touched it…) and head over to the supervisor’s desk. they’re chatting about something, sounds important, so we hang on a moment to let them finish. suddenly, one supervisor says “what’s in your hand??” i begin explaining how we found this in a cubicle and flipped open the kleenix. this creepy, benign giant cicada husk grabs a hold of the kleenix and flips itself out of my hands and onto the floor. looking for all the world like some giant ass bug just jumped out of my hands and is flying straight at my supervisor. now two of my supervisors are laughing, and the other ran straight out of the room. i look like the proverbial little buy scaring little girls with a dead frog.
|
– don’t bring dead bugs (or their exoskeleton) to work. better yet, don’t show them to your boss when you find them.
|
assuming entomology was acceptable in the professional environment.
|
[
"less than 60 minutes ago. my colleague calls me",
"over, something about what “she found in her",
"cube.” instantly smelling an adventure, i came",
"around the corner and she points to a cicada husk",
"that’s sitting right inside the window on her",
"cubicle. brown, wrinkly, split right down the",
"back, and depending on your perspective either",
"fascinating or disgusting. now, i can and do",
"appreciate the wonders of nature as much of the",
"next guy. that whole living underground for years",
"and years, then climbing up on the tree and",
"shedding the old husk before flying off for their",
"brief above ground life, it’s epic.",
"let’s clear this up right now. i did not bring a",
"cicada husk to work. some anonymous (and rather",
"disgusting) employee, probably on another shift,",
"decided to bring in this intriguing specimen and",
"then leave it to surprise the next person who",
"works in that cubicle. generally speaking, i",
"expect to find cicada husks on trees. there is a",
"remarkable absence of trees inside the building",
"and consequently, one would not expect cicadas to",
"be wandering around. taking all this into",
"account, the two of us decide that it’s pretty",
"revolting that someone decided to bring this to",
"work and leave it there. we decide to have a",
"quick word with our supervisors to see if they",
"can find out who done this.",
"here’s the fuck up. i grab a kleenex and scoop up",
"the cicada husk (creeping out my colleague even",
"more, i actually touched it…) and head over to",
"the supervisor’s desk. they’re chatting about",
"something, sounds important, so we hang on a",
"moment to let them finish. suddenly, one",
"supervisor says “what’s in your hand??” i begin",
"explaining how we found this in a cubicle and",
"flipped open the kleenix. this creepy, benign",
"giant cicada husk grabs a hold of the kleenix and",
"flips itself out of my hands and onto the floor.",
"looking for all the world like some giant ass bug",
"just jumped out of my hands and is flying",
"straight at my supervisor. now two of my",
"supervisors are laughing, and the other ran",
"straight out of the room. i look like the",
"proverbial little buy scaring little girls with a",
"dead frog."
] |
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cicada husk to work. some anonymous (and rather can find out who done this. dead frog.
|
6 | 4 | 0.78 | 6 |
ok, i was in epcot resort in disneyworld a few weeks ago. here i am in japan looking around the gift shop for a nice souvenir. bonsai? nah... but a fan and fancy $12 chopsticks? hell yeah. so i grab the fan and chopsticks and proceed to the checkout line. there are 2 registers; one has 1 person while the other has a bunch. i didn't see this until i was halfway done in my line with about 5 people left, all only kids and their parents. so i imminently think, "just two people? not a problem" after they're done checking out, i walk up to the 2nd register and proceed to give the cashier my souvenirs. she then politely told me that the two lines merge into one. i say sorry and go back to the end of the real line, which is now 10+ people. one of the kid's dad felt bad for me and let me cut in front of them. (his son does not see me at all, too fixated on his pokémon cards) so after the guy in front is done (not the dad and son), i walk up again. she says, "sir, **there is** a line. then the kid tells his dad (the same dad who let me cut inline, btw) "why is cutting in front **again**?" i felt so bad that i just walked all the way back to the now 20+ people line with all the parents giving me dirty looks.
**
|
** *i cut inline at a gift shop in the most magical place in the world and made a little 8 year old upset.*
|
cutting the line at disneyworld
|
[
"ok, i was in epcot resort in disneyworld a few",
"weeks ago. here i am in japan looking around the",
"gift shop for a nice souvenir. bonsai? nah... but",
"a fan and fancy $12 chopsticks? hell yeah. so i",
"grab the fan and chopsticks and proceed to the",
"checkout line. there are 2 registers; one has 1",
"person while the other has a bunch. i didn't see",
"this until i was halfway done in my line with",
"about 5 people left, all only kids and their",
"parents. so i imminently think, \"just two people?",
"not a problem\" after they're done checking out, i",
"walk up to the 2nd register and proceed to give",
"the cashier my souvenirs. she then politely told",
"me that the two lines merge into one. i say sorry",
"and go back to the end of the real line, which is",
"now 10+ people. one of the kid's dad felt bad for",
"me and let me cut in front of them. (his son does",
"not see me at all, too fixated on his pokémon",
"cards) so after the guy in front is done (not the",
"dad and son), i walk up again. she says, \"sir,",
"**there is** a line. then the kid tells his dad",
"(the same dad who let me cut inline, btw) \"why is",
"cutting in front **again**?\" i felt so bad that i",
"just walked all the way back to the now 20+",
"people line with all the parents giving me dirty",
"looks.",
"**"
] |
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ok, i was in epcot resort in disneyworld a few gift shop for a nice souvenir. bonsai? nah... but (the same dad who let me cut inline, btw) "why is
|
13 | 28 | 0.67 | 13 |
due to the fact that my main account can be traced back to me and i seriously don't want anyone that knows me for to know about this, throwaway! so this happened 3 days ago friday night. so me and her, let's call her dorothy, have been talking on skype pretty much for several hours. she gets relatively drunk to the point where she is talking about something and is giggling the whole time. it got really freaky when she started talking about some seriously depressing shit. at this point i should have just left because i knew how she was when she was this drunk, let alone tired. but i just kept on. at some point she decides to change into her pajamas, which normally would be fine since she just goes away for a moment and comes back in her pjs. this time was rather different in that she just decided to go and get her pajamas and change right in front of me. before hand i was like i don't care but when i figured what was going on and i freaked and just moved the freaking skype window out of sight. sadly, i decided to go look and the moment i saw her boobs i just thought, "wtf are you doing, she's your best friend, stawp" so i hid the skype window out of sight until i knew she was done. i was blushing so hard afterwards and she noticed. soon i had to get off skype. so, the next day she wakes up and apparently the only thing she remembers is that she changed in front of me(i find it kind of sad that the only thing she remembered was the worst part tbh). first thing she texts me is "wtf even...god. please tell me i imagined last night" followed by "dear god i didn't". she realized this cus she read the little conversation we had after i got off my computer. long story short, we both feel horrible about this entire thing. me because i was the sober person so i could have just tried to stop things from getting bad and her because she didn't get off her phone when she started drinking, basically that i witnessed any of what happened. so yeah, that fucking happened, i honestly wrote this so i could just get the whole story as best as i remember it in writing.
edit: i get it, i am being a pussy about this whole thing. that said, i thank you people for the comments. i'm blowing this whole thing out of proportion and i should just laugh it off because it wasn't that bad. i laughed at most of the comments so that really helps. anyways, i am glad that i actually got this type of response and now i actually feel slightly better so yeah.. i digress. peace out and thank you for reading and responding.
|
skyped best friend, she changed clothing in front of me and flashed me. i tried to hide myself from this but i looked. i feel horrible now.
|
skyping my best friend while she was drunk (kinda nsfw)
|
[
"due to the fact that my main account can be traced",
"back to me and i seriously don't want anyone that",
"knows me for to know about this, throwaway! so",
"this happened 3 days ago friday night. so me and",
"her, let's call her dorothy, have been talking on",
"skype pretty much for several hours. she gets",
"relatively drunk to the point where she is",
"talking about something and is giggling the whole",
"time. it got really freaky when she started",
"talking about some seriously depressing shit. at",
"this point i should have just left because i knew",
"how she was when she was this drunk, let alone",
"tired. but i just kept on. at some point she",
"decides to change into her pajamas, which",
"normally would be fine since she just goes away",
"for a moment and comes back in her pjs. this time",
"was rather different in that she just decided to",
"go and get her pajamas and change right in front",
"of me. before hand i was like i don't care but",
"when i figured what was going on and i freaked",
"and just moved the freaking skype window out of",
"sight. sadly, i decided to go look and the moment",
"i saw her boobs i just thought, \"wtf are you",
"doing, she's your best friend, stawp\" so i hid",
"the skype window out of sight until i knew she",
"was done. i was blushing so hard afterwards and",
"she noticed. soon i had to get off skype. so, the",
"next day she wakes up and apparently the only",
"thing she remembers is that she changed in front",
"of me(i find it kind of sad that the only thing",
"she remembered was the worst part tbh). first",
"thing she texts me is \"wtf even...god. please",
"tell me i imagined last night\" followed by \"dear",
"god i didn't\". she realized this cus she read the",
"little conversation we had after i got off my",
"computer. long story short, we both feel horrible",
"about this entire thing. me because i was the",
"sober person so i could have just tried to stop",
"things from getting bad and her because she",
"didn't get off her phone when she started",
"drinking, basically that i witnessed any of what",
"happened. so yeah, that fucking happened, i",
"honestly wrote this so i could just get the whole",
"story as best as i remember it in writing.",
"edit: i get it, i am being a pussy about this",
"whole thing. that said, i thank you people for",
"the comments. i'm blowing this whole thing out of",
"proportion and i should just laugh it off because",
"it wasn't that bad. i laughed at most of the",
"comments so that really helps. anyways, i am glad",
"that i actually got this type of response and now",
"i actually feel slightly better so yeah.. i",
"digress. peace out and thank you for reading and",
"responding."
] |
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] |
back to me and i seriously don't want anyone that thing she remembers is that she changed in front that i actually got this type of response and now
|
2 | 14 | 0.75 | 2 |
to start this off, here's a little back story: the girl in question is actually my best friend's little sister (by one year). we've known each other since high school, and have always gotten along great. we went on a few dates in high school, but at the time i was too much in my own head. the thoughts of "she's your best friend's little sister" kept me from doing anything other than being just her friend in high school. if any of you have had feelings for your friend's siblings, it can feel pretty awkward. especially in high school.
i dated a couple of girls in the meantime, but after each relationship ended, i would always go back to liking her.
so, once we had both graduated, i figured i should finally man up and ask her out, but at the time, she had a boyfriend, so i ended up wussing out. she left the area for a while to go live in texas, but after talking to her brother, i knew she would be coming back. it wasn't until she had come home from being away for over a year and a half that i finally built up enough courage to ask her out on a date. we went on a date, but it felt like a "welcome back to your hometown" kind of date. after that, she ended up getting a boyfriend and they dated for a few months. not wanting to be someone who would encroach on their relationship, i decided to just keep my distance and move on. this is where the fu happens.
so, last week, her brother asked me if i wanted to come with him to pick her up from the airport (she had been in boston visiting her family). i really wanted to see her again, so i agreed to go with him. that night ended up being really fun and we were able to reminisce and catch up with each other.
the next day, we hang out and go get ice cream. it felt like the old days when we would hang out and talk and just have fun. the one thing i like the most about this girl is that i can talk to her about everything, and she's expressed the same thing about me.
we end up spending the rest of the weekend together with her brother, and even having dinner at their grandparents house on sunday.
that evening, i tell my friend that i'm thinking of asking her out. just to clarify, we've talked about it before, so it wasn't weird for me to talk to him about his sister, because he understood where i was coming from and how i felt about her.
he gives me the "okay" to go ahead and date his sister, and i get so excited about it, that i decide i wanna see her the next night. however, he warns me that even though her and her boyfriend broke up a few weeks prior, she still has feelings for him, and he doesn't think that she has feelings for me. i understood that, and it actually made me rethink my decision to ask her out. i didn't want to be the friend that has feelings for a girl, only for it to not be reciprocated... (been there, done that plenty of times! it sucks.) i've always had a problem with overthinking, and i end up staying up way too late going over what i should do, and what i should say to her. i ended up deciding at 2:00 am that i would tell her how i felt, and that i didn't want to make things uncomfortable for our friendship, and explain to her that i have to remove myself from the picture until i get over her. my friend and i decided that this would be the best way to salvage the friendship, but it hurt like hell for me...
the night of the fu.
she invites me to come with her to go pick up another sibling from the airport (the parents live in boston, and the kids go to school here in utah). we go pick up her sister and get some dinner. it was a lot of fun being around them, but the thought of what i was going to tell her that night kept me from enjoying everything we did.
we drop her sister off at the end of the night and i tell her that i wanted to talk. we head over to one of my favorite lookout points in the city, and i park the car. it's a beautiful evening, and the view allows you to see the city and all the stars.
i told her how i felt, after trying to get the words out for two minutes. she told me that she understands how i feel, and that she appreciates me and that she also loves being around me and spending time with me... as a friend. i'm thinking, "that's okay, i planned on you saying that. it's cool." we end up discussing me and her spending time away from each other and decide it's for the best. we end the night by hugging and having a lingering moment by the car before going our separate ways.
fast forward to tonight. i'm talking to my friend again about the whole thing, and he tells me that she was taken aback by my confession, and was a kind of sad that i had done that. he goes on to tell me that she was sad, mostly because she felt that if we had gone on a few more dates, she probably would have given me a chance. but as it stands, i'm no longer a part of her life, so now she's going to get back with her ex.
edit: i'm currently kicking myself for not realizing that the dates we went on were not exactly the most romantic... and that i could have had a chance if i had shown more "interest".
|
screwed up any chances with the girl of my dreams by prematurely telling her how i felt.
|
telling the girl of my dreams how i felt about her
|
[
"to start this off, here's a little back story: the",
"girl in question is actually my best friend's",
"little sister (by one year). we've known each",
"other since high school, and have always gotten",
"along great. we went on a few dates in high",
"school, but at the time i was too much in my own",
"head. the thoughts of \"she's your best friend's",
"little sister\" kept me from doing anything other",
"than being just her friend in high school. if any",
"of you have had feelings for your friend's",
"siblings, it can feel pretty awkward. especially",
"in high school.",
"i dated a couple of girls in the meantime, but",
"after each relationship ended, i would always go",
"back to liking her.",
"so, once we had both graduated, i figured i",
"should finally man up and ask her out, but at the",
"time, she had a boyfriend, so i ended up wussing",
"out. she left the area for a while to go live in",
"texas, but after talking to her brother, i knew",
"she would be coming back. it wasn't until she had",
"come home from being away for over a year and a",
"half that i finally built up enough courage to",
"ask her out on a date. we went on a date, but it",
"felt like a \"welcome back to your hometown\" kind",
"of date. after that, she ended up getting a",
"boyfriend and they dated for a few months. not",
"wanting to be someone who would encroach on their",
"relationship, i decided to just keep my distance",
"and move on. this is where the fu happens.",
"so, last week, her brother asked me if i wanted",
"to come with him to pick her up from the airport",
"(she had been in boston visiting her family). i",
"really wanted to see her again, so i agreed to go",
"with him. that night ended up being really fun",
"and we were able to reminisce and catch up with",
"each other.",
"the next day, we hang out and go get ice cream.",
"it felt like the old days when we would hang out",
"and talk and just have fun. the one thing i like",
"the most about this girl is that i can talk to",
"her about everything, and she's expressed the",
"same thing about me.",
"we end up spending the rest of the weekend",
"together with her brother, and even having dinner",
"at their grandparents house on sunday.",
"that evening, i tell my friend that i'm thinking",
"of asking her out. just to clarify, we've talked",
"about it before, so it wasn't weird for me to",
"talk to him about his sister, because he",
"understood where i was coming from and how i felt",
"about her.",
"he gives me the \"okay\" to go ahead and date his",
"sister, and i get so excited about it, that i",
"decide i wanna see her the next night. however,",
"he warns me that even though her and her",
"boyfriend broke up a few weeks prior, she still",
"has feelings for him, and he doesn't think that",
"she has feelings for me. i understood that, and",
"it actually made me rethink my decision to ask",
"her out. i didn't want to be the friend that has",
"feelings for a girl, only for it to not be",
"reciprocated... (been there, done that plenty of",
"times! it sucks.) i've always had a problem with",
"overthinking, and i end up staying up way too",
"late going over what i should do, and what i",
"should say to her. i ended up deciding at 2:00 am",
"that i would tell her how i felt, and that i",
"didn't want to make things uncomfortable for our",
"friendship, and explain to her that i have to",
"remove myself from the picture until i get over",
"her. my friend and i decided that this would be",
"the best way to salvage the friendship, but it",
"hurt like hell for me...",
"the night of the fu.",
"she invites me to come with her to go pick up",
"another sibling from the airport (the parents",
"live in boston, and the kids go to school here in",
"utah). we go pick up her sister and get some",
"dinner. it was a lot of fun being around them,",
"but the thought of what i was going to tell her",
"that night kept me from enjoying everything we",
"did.",
"we drop her sister off at the end of the night",
"and i tell her that i wanted to talk. we head",
"over to one of my favorite lookout points in the",
"city, and i park the car. it's a beautiful",
"evening, and the view allows you to see the city",
"and all the stars.",
"i told her how i felt, after trying to get the",
"words out for two minutes. she told me that she",
"understands how i feel, and that she appreciates",
"me and that she also loves being around me and",
"spending time with me... as a friend. i'm",
"thinking, \"that's okay, i planned on you saying",
"that. it's cool.\" we end up discussing me and her",
"spending time away from each other and decide",
"it's for the best. we end the night by hugging",
"and having a lingering moment by the car before",
"going our separate ways.",
"fast forward to tonight. i'm talking to my friend",
"again about the whole thing, and he tells me that",
"she was taken aback by my confession, and was a",
"kind of sad that i had done that. he goes on to",
"tell me that she was sad, mostly because she felt",
"that if we had gone on a few more dates, she",
"probably would have given me a chance. but as it",
"stands, i'm no longer a part of her life, so now",
"she's going to get back with her ex.",
"edit: i'm currently kicking myself for not",
"realizing that the dates we went on were not",
"exactly the most romantic... and that i could",
"have had a chance if i had shown more \"interest\"."
] |
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that i would tell her how i felt, and that i over to one of my favorite lookout points in the
|
5 | 8 | 0.73 | 5 |
so this happened on my 21st birthday about a year ago. my friend works at a liquor store and brought me over some nips of whiskey (my poison) along with some beer. so a few of us are pregaming before the bar. by the time we arrive im buzzin pretty hard, we walk in, i get some drinks (more whiskey) bought for me as is tradition. we are at an outdoor game bar, and there happens to be a dunk take. the shot girl who will be referred to as jane starts casual conversation "hey hi are you how have you been" i start putting on my game and eventually jane has to go sell shots. there's a dunk tank tonight. jane is the first one on, i take a ball and throw a practice throw. on the money, shoot jane a wink and wait for her to get up. my friend buys me three balls. first ball she goes in. more talk after she gets done and i get her number and i think she's feeling it. she has to go sell more shots so my goodbye line is "next time i'll get you wet without the dunk tank." jane, stunned, replies "what?" great! a second chance to not sound like bill cosby! i repeat myself out of instinct. needless to say i never got a text back.
edit: did i mention there was a dunk tank? i should refrain from whiskey from now on.
|
my horny 21 year old mine blew my chances on the one night i could've got it
|
making suggestive comments to a long time crush
|
[
"so this happened on my 21st birthday about a year",
"ago. my friend works at a liquor store and",
"brought me over some nips of whiskey (my poison)",
"along with some beer. so a few of us are",
"pregaming before the bar. by the time we arrive",
"im buzzin pretty hard, we walk in, i get some",
"drinks (more whiskey) bought for me as is",
"tradition. we are at an outdoor game bar, and",
"there happens to be a dunk take. the shot girl",
"who will be referred to as jane starts casual",
"conversation \"hey hi are you how have you been\" i",
"start putting on my game and eventually jane has",
"to go sell shots. there's a dunk tank tonight.",
"jane is the first one on, i take a ball and throw",
"a practice throw. on the money, shoot jane a wink",
"and wait for her to get up. my friend buys me",
"three balls. first ball she goes in. more talk",
"after she gets done and i get her number and i",
"think she's feeling it. she has to go sell more",
"shots so my goodbye line is \"next time i'll get",
"you wet without the dunk tank.\" jane, stunned,",
"replies \"what?\" great! a second chance to not",
"sound like bill cosby! i repeat myself out of",
"instinct. needless to say i never got a text",
"back.",
"edit: did i mention there was a dunk tank? i",
"should refrain from whiskey from now on."
] |
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so this happened on my 21st birthday about a year jane is the first one on, i take a ball and throw
|
4 | 28 | 0.73 | 4 |
this actually happened the night before the 4th of july and since my relationship with him is fucked up all the time, i didn't really consider this tifu material until now.
so the night before the fourth of july, i decided to make my dads s5 into something much more usable. my dad is retarded when it comes to gadgets and complains constantly. so i clean up his stupid phone and put it on dummy mode basically. it takes maybe 20 minutes. the whole while, everyone is sitting around (like 10 of us) joking and having a good time. even dad is getting in on the fun. then... suddenly... shit hits the fan.
i go sit down by him to show him the new features and tell him i can put everything back if he wants. he takes the phone from me and chucks it across the patio "fuck the phone". everyone goes dead silent. now i should probably tell you that my dad is a life time alcoholic. think... 5th of whiskey a day! what ensues is 3 hours of him screaming at me and slamming things and breaking things and him threatening to kill me not once but twice. the first one he said "suggestivematerial, i'm going to take this laptop and shove it through your brain" -step mom says- "ron, what the hell are you saying?!" he says "i'm going to murder her" then a few minutes later he says "i have a gun and i know how to make you stop" at which point he gets up out of his recliner and heads to get his gun. so much more happened, but it's a blurr after that. we packed our shit at 2 am and got home at 4. i will never ever speak to or see my father again. he also told me constantly (at least two dozen times) to "get your family and never come back... ever"
edit: omg i forgot some very interesting facts about this. his friends have all contacted me separately and told me i should just apologize and make up for what i did to him. all of this shit that happened on the 4th is just the tail end of the abuse i've suffered at his hands. in january 2014, i had a baby. just two weeks prior to that i asked my dad if i could return the gift he bought me. i had asked for a very specific set of pots and pans that were cheap ikea ones but ones i wouldn't destroy (i'm not the best cook, i'm a lazy cook), and he got me a $100 11 piece stainless steel set. very nice, but i'd ruin them and i had no room in my tiny apartment. his response "do whatever the fuck you want with that gift". then promptly blocked me. after i gave birth his harassment started up again while my son was in the nicu and i was at mcdonald house recovering from a traumatic experience and trying to be there for my son. he said things like "you're crazy" "you're on drugs" "no wonder you have no friends" etc etc. made me so upset my husband had to keep his eye on me when i bathed for fear of me trying to do something stupid (suicidal ideations after all). and the 21 days my son was in the nicu, my dad never once came to see him. nevermind that one of my dads stores (he does refrigeration repair for chain restaurants) was literally two blocks from the hospital. it took him 11 days to call me. lied and said i had police escort him out of the hospital. told me he almost died on the way home because he was so sick. and that when he went to see my son that they (the hospital staff) denied him access. oh... and his work was keeping location tabs on him. you know... the more i think about it and pour it all out on paper... you're all right... i'm better off without him. fuck that asshole. stupid emotional fuckwit that he is.
edit: i'm a female.
|
i made my dads phone easier to use, he threatened to kill me with a laptop and then with a gun.
|
helping my dad with his phone
|
[
"this actually happened the night before the 4th of",
"july and since my relationship with him is fucked",
"up all the time, i didn't really consider this",
"tifu material until now.",
"so the night before the fourth of july, i decided",
"to make my dads s5 into something much more",
"usable. my dad is retarded when it comes to",
"gadgets and complains constantly. so i clean up",
"his stupid phone and put it on dummy mode",
"basically. it takes maybe 20 minutes. the whole",
"while, everyone is sitting around (like 10 of us)",
"joking and having a good time. even dad is",
"getting in on the fun. then... suddenly... shit",
"hits the fan.",
"i go sit down by him to show him the new features",
"and tell him i can put everything back if he",
"wants. he takes the phone from me and chucks it",
"across the patio \"fuck the phone\". everyone goes",
"dead silent. now i should probably tell you that",
"my dad is a life time alcoholic. think... 5th of",
"whiskey a day! what ensues is 3 hours of him",
"screaming at me and slamming things and breaking",
"things and him threatening to kill me not once",
"but twice. the first one he said",
"\"suggestivematerial, i'm going to take this",
"laptop and shove it through your brain\" -step mom",
"says- \"ron, what the hell are you saying?!\" he",
"says \"i'm going to murder her\" then a few minutes",
"later he says \"i have a gun and i know how to",
"make you stop\" at which point he gets up out of",
"his recliner and heads to get his gun. so much",
"more happened, but it's a blurr after that. we",
"packed our shit at 2 am and got home at 4. i will",
"never ever speak to or see my father again. he",
"also told me constantly (at least two dozen",
"times) to \"get your family and never come back...",
"ever\"",
"edit: omg i forgot some very interesting facts",
"about this. his friends have all contacted me",
"separately and told me i should just apologize",
"and make up for what i did to him. all of this",
"shit that happened on the 4th is just the tail",
"end of the abuse i've suffered at his hands. in",
"january 2014, i had a baby. just two weeks prior",
"to that i asked my dad if i could return the gift",
"he bought me. i had asked for a very specific set",
"of pots and pans that were cheap ikea ones but",
"ones i wouldn't destroy (i'm not the best cook,",
"i'm a lazy cook), and he got me a $100 11 piece",
"stainless steel set. very nice, but i'd ruin them",
"and i had no room in my tiny apartment. his",
"response \"do whatever the fuck you want with that",
"gift\". then promptly blocked me. after i gave",
"birth his harassment started up again while my",
"son was in the nicu and i was at mcdonald house",
"recovering from a traumatic experience and trying",
"to be there for my son. he said things like",
"\"you're crazy\" \"you're on drugs\" \"no wonder you",
"have no friends\" etc etc. made me so upset my",
"husband had to keep his eye on me when i bathed",
"for fear of me trying to do something stupid",
"(suicidal ideations after all). and the 21 days",
"my son was in the nicu, my dad never once came to",
"see him. nevermind that one of my dads stores (he",
"does refrigeration repair for chain restaurants)",
"was literally two blocks from the hospital. it",
"took him 11 days to call me. lied and said i had",
"police escort him out of the hospital. told me he",
"almost died on the way home because he was so",
"sick. and that when he went to see my son that",
"they (the hospital staff) denied him access.",
"oh... and his work was keeping location tabs on",
"him. you know... the more i think about it and",
"pour it all out on paper... you're all right...",
"i'm better off without him. fuck that asshole.",
"stupid emotional fuckwit that he is.",
"edit: i'm a female."
] |
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things and him threatening to kill me not once later he says "i have a gun and i know how to
|
515 | 193 | 0.91 | 515 |
if the title hasn't informed you that this is a story for the ages, please read on anyway. it's a long but worthwhile saga my friends.
i'm not going to mince words here. i went to this brothel (that shit is legal where i live) due to
a) insatiable sexual frustration and
ii) a desire to gain confidence with the lady species and
dri) a desire to combat my anxiety and get out of my comfort zone and
4) lose my virginity at the ripe old age of nineteen.
once i had decided to go down this path a couple days prior i was pretty excited. i was gettin' chubs at the very thought. i wasn't building it up it my head to be a life changing experience, mind you. i've read enough stories on reddit and the like that people, especially in my experience have had mixed results.
whatever. i booked a half hour slot with a girl who looked good enough on the website - for anonymity and comedy purposes we'll call her choofy.
today, i make my way down the narrow road to the establishment,my heart pounding in my chest. i go through the door, thankfully nobody nearby. i tell the receptionist lady my time and desired woman and she guided me to a tiny red-light closet with a chair. here i waited for what seemed like 10 minutes trying to calm myself down.
eventually, dear reader, the time came for me. choofy stood in the doorway in some kind of dressing gown get up. thankfully, she looked like her picture, so no problems there. she guided me up some stairs to a smallish room with a bed and a shower. we made small talk - she called me cute and handsome (worry not my friends, i knew she was just being polite) and expressed dismay at my age.
"you want shower?" asked choofy in slightly rough english. i said yes, and she further inquired if i wanted to shower with her. visions of nuru massage flashed through my brain, so of course i said yes. we undressed and showered together, me standing stoic like a proud statue, unsure of what to do. as she washed me she again commented on how cute i was. the best part was when she touched my moobs (i'm a little chubby, you see) and said "bigger than mine, ha ha!" (they weren't, she was slightly busty.)
bath time was over, and we dried off before i laid down and she began to kiss and lick parts of my body that she surely wouldn't have liked to. this is what they call a "cat bath" in the business, if you're taking notes. she also put her tongue in both my ears, for what reason i haven't the funkiest idea. i never thought i'd pay to get wet willies but today was a day of many firsts, as you will soon see, dear reader.
her skin was soft and nice to touch, so apart from the puppy/school yard experience this was alright so far. she shoved her breasts in my face and i kissed and tongued them a little. that would have been great were it not for her clearly fake sounds of pleasure. i'm usually not one to complain about fake moaning but jesus christ was she laying it on thick.
now time for the oral. sadly, she put a rubber on my apparently disgusting member before sucking it. thankfully this felt pretty good, but i couldn't help being a little disappointed.
"you want to go on top?" choofy eventually asked after wiping her mouth.
"uh, " i stammered. "could you?"
she nodded and applied a little lube to my half mast flag and slipped it inside her. she began to grind a little. let me tell you my friends, it felt like nothing. nothing at all. like rubbing up against a couch. i wilted like a wet flower pretty much instantly but choofy, bless her heart, kept going for a little while, continuing her fake moans.
eventually she dismounted and removed the condom, aiming instead to give me a handy. lubed up, she started to go to town, and my little man received treatment he never had before. he was like a soldier on his first day of service, no training, suddenly being thrown into the western front. she tossed that salad like it killed her parents (ed: she did not lick my ass.) she beat my meat like a butcher whose wife doesn't satisfy him anymore. any tiny level of arousal i had vanished when she began to mash my flaccid and frankly terrified dick like tough potatoes.
here's also where it reached absurdist comedy levels of awful. i have a foot fetish, and part of this venture was to satisfy that. i mumbled to her "could you use your, uh, feet?" and pointed at my dick.
"my... feet?" she replied quizzically.
i confirmed, and she went on her back to put her feet on there. and bless her heart, friend reader, she had no fucking idea what she was doing. she mashed myself against her feet, and my balls occasionally as well, painfully so sometimes. i thought to save the situation and gain some arousal by sucking on her toes a little. as i commenced this she began to moan the most she had at this point, clearly a little confused and probably freaked out. she continued to pound me off while i did this, and i returned to a half chub despite the horror of the situation.
eventually i gained the courage to try missionary, me standing at the end of the bed and her at the end on her back. i stuck it in with her guiding me and this time, friend reader, i actually felt something. this soon went as i wilted again out of sheer awkwardness, leaving me still kissing her feet while mashing myself against her genitals. after too much of this i got her to ride me again, to no avail.
eventually she gave up and dismounted me, asking "you want me to try hand again?" i fearfully muttered a yes and she continued to terrorise my poor solider on his first day of service. after a few minutes of this, she stopped and said "darling i'm sorry, but time is almost up."
i asked her, voice wavering from both anxiety and disgust, if she could try sucking it again. she looked annoyed as she fetched another rubber and went to town. i was finally feeling something down there, and was maybe a few minutes away from coming when the intercom went off, indicating my time was up. she hopped off like a startled cat and told me i could shower off if i wanted.
getting dressed, she said "darling please hurry, i have another client," all sense of politeness and cuteness gone now that her time was up. i was getting dresses as fast as i could but she kept hounding me, especially as the voice on the intercom began to speak of overtime. my shoes untied and jacked not yet on in hurried out apologising for my overtime and saying thank you. on the way out the receptionist said, "wow! very hot and handsome!" without an inch of truth. i thanked her and left.
this, dear reader, was the tale of my first sexual experience.
honestly though, even though i blew 90 bucks and didn't even get a proper erection it was a sobering experience. now that i've done it i can say paying for sex the least arousing thing i could ever do. there was nothing but a sense of disconnection. it was totally hollow. i was attracted to her but she clearly was not to me, and in a way i just felt bad for what she was doing. choofy tried, bless her heart, but it wasn't enough for lil' old me.
i left the brothel with the talking heads blaring in my ears, and a smile on my face. it was a pretty fucking funny experience, let me tell you. i still count myself a virgin, but today was a day of firsts, my friends. at least now i have a story to tell my friends when i'm really drunk!
|
tried to make flippy floppy, michael scott levels of awkwardness ensued.
|
trying to lose my virginity at a brothel (nsfw)
|
[
"if the title hasn't informed you that this is a",
"story for the ages, please read on anyway. it's a",
"long but worthwhile saga my friends.",
"i'm not going to mince words here. i went to this",
"brothel (that shit is legal where i live) due to",
"a) insatiable sexual frustration and",
"ii) a desire to gain confidence with the lady",
"species and",
"dri) a desire to combat my anxiety and get out of",
"my comfort zone and",
"4) lose my virginity at the ripe old age of",
"nineteen.",
"once i had decided to go down this path a couple",
"days prior i was pretty excited. i was gettin'",
"chubs at the very thought. i wasn't building it",
"up it my head to be a life changing experience,",
"mind you. i've read enough stories on reddit and",
"the like that people, especially in my experience",
"have had mixed results.",
"whatever. i booked a half hour slot with a girl",
"who looked good enough on the website - for",
"anonymity and comedy purposes we'll call her",
"choofy.",
"today, i make my way down the narrow road to the",
"establishment,my heart pounding in my chest. i go",
"through the door, thankfully nobody nearby. i",
"tell the receptionist lady my time and desired",
"woman and she guided me to a tiny red-light",
"closet with a chair. here i waited for what",
"seemed like 10 minutes trying to calm myself",
"down.",
"eventually, dear reader, the time came for me.",
"choofy stood in the doorway in some kind of",
"dressing gown get up. thankfully, she looked like",
"her picture, so no problems there. she guided me",
"up some stairs to a smallish room with a bed and",
"a shower. we made small talk - she called me cute",
"and handsome (worry not my friends, i knew she",
"was just being polite) and expressed dismay at my",
"age.",
"\"you want shower?\" asked choofy in slightly rough",
"english. i said yes, and she further inquired if",
"i wanted to shower with her. visions of nuru",
"massage flashed through my brain, so of course i",
"said yes. we undressed and showered together, me",
"standing stoic like a proud statue, unsure of",
"what to do. as she washed me she again commented",
"on how cute i was. the best part was when she",
"touched my moobs (i'm a little chubby, you see)",
"and said \"bigger than mine, ha ha!\" (they",
"weren't, she was slightly busty.)",
"bath time was over, and we dried off before i",
"laid down and she began to kiss and lick parts of",
"my body that she surely wouldn't have liked to.",
"this is what they call a \"cat bath\" in the",
"business, if you're taking notes. she also put",
"her tongue in both my ears, for what reason i",
"haven't the funkiest idea. i never thought i'd",
"pay to get wet willies but today was a day of",
"many firsts, as you will soon see, dear reader.",
"her skin was soft and nice to touch, so apart",
"from the puppy/school yard experience this was",
"alright so far. she shoved her breasts in my face",
"and i kissed and tongued them a little. that",
"would have been great were it not for her clearly",
"fake sounds of pleasure. i'm usually not one to",
"complain about fake moaning but jesus christ was",
"she laying it on thick.",
"now time for the oral. sadly, she put a rubber on",
"my apparently disgusting member before sucking",
"it. thankfully this felt pretty good, but i",
"couldn't help being a little disappointed.",
"\"you want to go on top?\" choofy eventually asked",
"after wiping her mouth.",
"\"uh, \" i stammered. \"could you?\"",
"she nodded and applied a little lube to my half",
"mast flag and slipped it inside her. she began to",
"grind a little. let me tell you my friends, it",
"felt like nothing. nothing at all. like rubbing",
"up against a couch. i wilted like a wet flower",
"pretty much instantly but choofy, bless her",
"heart, kept going for a little while, continuing",
"her fake moans.",
"eventually she dismounted and removed the condom,",
"aiming instead to give me a handy. lubed up, she",
"started to go to town, and my little man received",
"treatment he never had before. he was like a",
"soldier on his first day of service, no training,",
"suddenly being thrown into the western front. she",
"tossed that salad like it killed her parents (ed:",
"she did not lick my ass.) she beat my meat like a",
"butcher whose wife doesn't satisfy him anymore.",
"any tiny level of arousal i had vanished when she",
"began to mash my flaccid and frankly terrified",
"dick like tough potatoes.",
"here's also where it reached absurdist comedy",
"levels of awful. i have a foot fetish, and part",
"of this venture was to satisfy that. i mumbled to",
"her \"could you use your, uh, feet?\" and pointed",
"at my dick.",
"\"my... feet?\" she replied quizzically.",
"i confirmed, and she went on her back to put her",
"feet on there. and bless her heart, friend",
"reader, she had no fucking idea what she was",
"doing. she mashed myself against her feet, and my",
"balls occasionally as well, painfully so",
"sometimes. i thought to save the situation and",
"gain some arousal by sucking on her toes a",
"little. as i commenced this she began to moan the",
"most she had at this point, clearly a little",
"confused and probably freaked out. she continued",
"to pound me off while i did this, and i returned",
"to a half chub despite the horror of the",
"situation.",
"eventually i gained the courage to try",
"missionary, me standing at the end of the bed and",
"her at the end on her back. i stuck it in with",
"her guiding me and this time, friend reader, i",
"actually felt something. this soon went as i",
"wilted again out of sheer awkwardness, leaving me",
"still kissing her feet while mashing myself",
"against her genitals. after too much of this i",
"got her to ride me again, to no avail.",
"eventually she gave up and dismounted me, asking",
"\"you want me to try hand again?\" i fearfully",
"muttered a yes and she continued to terrorise my",
"poor solider on his first day of service. after a",
"few minutes of this, she stopped and said",
"\"darling i'm sorry, but time is almost up.\"",
"i asked her, voice wavering from both anxiety and",
"disgust, if she could try sucking it again. she",
"looked annoyed as she fetched another rubber and",
"went to town. i was finally feeling something",
"down there, and was maybe a few minutes away from",
"coming when the intercom went off, indicating my",
"time was up. she hopped off like a startled cat",
"and told me i could shower off if i wanted.",
"getting dressed, she said \"darling please hurry,",
"i have another client,\" all sense of politeness",
"and cuteness gone now that her time was up. i was",
"getting dresses as fast as i could but she kept",
"hounding me, especially as the voice on the",
"intercom began to speak of overtime. my shoes",
"untied and jacked not yet on in hurried out",
"apologising for my overtime and saying thank you.",
"on the way out the receptionist said, \"wow! very",
"hot and handsome!\" without an inch of truth. i",
"thanked her and left.",
"this, dear reader, was the tale of my first",
"sexual experience.",
"honestly though, even though i blew 90 bucks and",
"didn't even get a proper erection it was a",
"sobering experience. now that i've done it i can",
"say paying for sex the least arousing thing i",
"could ever do. there was nothing but a sense of",
"disconnection. it was totally hollow. i was",
"attracted to her but she clearly was not to me,",
"and in a way i just felt bad for what she was",
"doing. choofy tried, bless her heart, but it",
"wasn't enough for lil' old me.",
"i left the brothel with the talking heads blaring",
"in my ears, and a smile on my face. it was a",
"pretty fucking funny experience, let me tell you.",
"i still count myself a virgin, but today was a",
"day of firsts, my friends. at least now i have a",
"story to tell my friends when i'm really drunk!"
] |
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today, i make my way down the narrow road to the levels of awful. i have a foot fetish, and part
|
4 | 0 | 0.58 | 4 |
so this wasn't today but it was a few months ago.
dead of winter, i often had to bump my hip against the door to get the ice to break so i can open the door. today was another one of those days. but my door no matter what i could do, wouldn't open.
i began googling ideas. one idea said to use rubbing alcohol. i spent about an hour outside trying very hard to continue to apply rubbing alcohol to help ease the door. no luck. a few minutes later, i ask my wife to come help me. she comes outside in the freezing cold, and i ask her to pull on the door while i pour the rubbing alcohol.
not even a few seconds later, she grabs the keys, puts them in the door, unlocks the car, and opens the door.
|
sat outside in the freezing cold for an hour trying to de-ice car enough to open doors only to have my wife unlock the car and open the doors.
|
trying to get my car door un-stuck
|
[
"so this wasn't today but it was a few months ago.",
"dead of winter, i often had to bump my hip",
"against the door to get the ice to break so i can",
"open the door. today was another one of those",
"days. but my door no matter what i could do,",
"wouldn't open.",
"i began googling ideas. one idea said to use",
"rubbing alcohol. i spent about an hour outside",
"trying very hard to continue to apply rubbing",
"alcohol to help ease the door. no luck. a few",
"minutes later, i ask my wife to come help me. she",
"comes outside in the freezing cold, and i ask her",
"to pull on the door while i pour the rubbing",
"alcohol.",
"not even a few seconds later, she grabs the keys,",
"puts them in the door, unlocks the car, and opens",
"the door."
] |
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rubbing alcohol. i spent about an hour outside minutes later, i ask my wife to come help me. she comes outside in the freezing cold, and i ask her
|
5 | 1 | 0.78 | 5 |
this happened an hour ago at about 8pm. my girlfriend and i tried a new italian restaurant in scottsdale and it even has a yellow ferrari on the patio. well, it was fairly fancy with white tablecloths and such, but just a few people (8pm on a sunday.) i ordered a pasta, sausage, mushroom, and tomato sauce dish while my girlfriend ordered some 4 cheese pasta thing. i hate mushrooms and put them on the side. authentic italian food and atmosphere with italian waiters and even the busboy. well dinner was great, but plentiful and neither of us could finish, and i saved about half for lunch tomorrow, even the last piece of sausage to savor for later. the busboy comes by and speaks english well, but he had enough of an accent and his volume was pretty low. he saw we hadn't finished and he asked if we wanted boxes. i guess in a fancy restaurant, they take your plate to the kitchen and place your leftovers in a box for you so you don't have to do extra work (and more tip.) well being the good little boyfriend i am sitting next to my lovely recent sustainability grad, i asked for just one box. my girlfriend apparently mumbled, "so we can just put them together?" the busboy gave me an odd, blank stare and i should have known. after he left i wondered if he understood that i meant both dishes in one box! why would i want a tiny bit of 4 cheese pasta, but not a huge half of my delicious sausage pasta! he leaves and a second later i hear someone yelling in italian who i assume is the chef, furious that someone so disgracefully did not finish the wonderful meal he just whipped up. we pray, pray, pray that he understood our intentions, but voila.... here he comes and sets down the bag with an unknown quantity of food. my girlfriend peers in and starts cracking up and my face sinks and turns white and don't want to explain the to the busboy that he just fucked up because i just fucked up. 43 dollars for a half eaten meal and a tiny bit of 4 cheese pasta and no lunch for tomorrow :(
|
i didn't make it clear to the bus boy that i wanted both plates in one box and not just my girlfriend's tiny leftovers, but my half eaten pasta. it was expensive and now i have no lunch for tomorrow!
|
not making myself clear to an italian busboy.
|
[
"this happened an hour ago at about 8pm. my",
"girlfriend and i tried a new italian restaurant",
"in scottsdale and it even has a yellow ferrari on",
"the patio. well, it was fairly fancy with white",
"tablecloths and such, but just a few people (8pm",
"on a sunday.) i ordered a pasta, sausage,",
"mushroom, and tomato sauce dish while my",
"girlfriend ordered some 4 cheese pasta thing. i",
"hate mushrooms and put them on the side.",
"authentic italian food and atmosphere with",
"italian waiters and even the busboy. well dinner",
"was great, but plentiful and neither of us could",
"finish, and i saved about half for lunch",
"tomorrow, even the last piece of sausage to savor",
"for later. the busboy comes by and speaks english",
"well, but he had enough of an accent and his",
"volume was pretty low. he saw we hadn't finished",
"and he asked if we wanted boxes. i guess in a",
"fancy restaurant, they take your plate to the",
"kitchen and place your leftovers in a box for you",
"so you don't have to do extra work (and more",
"tip.) well being the good little boyfriend i am",
"sitting next to my lovely recent sustainability",
"grad, i asked for just one box. my girlfriend",
"apparently mumbled, \"so we can just put them",
"together?\" the busboy gave me an odd, blank stare",
"and i should have known. after he left i wondered",
"if he understood that i meant both dishes in one",
"box! why would i want a tiny bit of 4 cheese",
"pasta, but not a huge half of my delicious",
"sausage pasta! he leaves and a second later i",
"hear someone yelling in italian who i assume is",
"the chef, furious that someone so disgracefully",
"did not finish the wonderful meal he just whipped",
"up. we pray, pray, pray that he understood our",
"intentions, but voila.... here he comes and sets",
"down the bag with an unknown quantity of food. my",
"girlfriend peers in and starts cracking up and my",
"face sinks and turns white and don't want to",
"explain the to the busboy that he just fucked up",
"because i just fucked up. 43 dollars for a half",
"eaten meal and a tiny bit of 4 cheese pasta and",
"no lunch for tomorrow :("
] |
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the patio. well, it was fairly fancy with white grad, i asked for just one box. my girlfriend if he understood that i meant both dishes in one pasta, but not a huge half of my delicious no lunch for tomorrow :(
|
7 | 3 | 0.9 | 7 |
tifu by missing a pass from a really attractive ebony lady while on shift.
i work part time as a lot associate at home depot, for you of that don't know what a lot associate is, it's a fancy name for a cart boy. i'm the fellow who runs all over the store to help you folk load up your heavy objects in to your vehicle, give you a hand or when you're feeling lazy/entitled. there are a few of you i'm aware... either way, the main source of communication is a simple walkie talkie between me and the numerous cashiers that need help. so with that covered, the fuck up. i've been on shift for a few minutes, i've been catching up with a work buddy and i had just gotten out of a slump from my ex's new house with her new boyfriend, so my mind was on other things. i noticed one of the self check outs being weird and malfunctioning. so i brought it up with the new chick that has hired on for head cashier, we both get together and fix the problem. now she's rather cute in my opinion, physically attractive and well maintained, 8/10 would bang. she got awfully close to me a few times and rubbed up against me, but i thought nothing of it as we were working on machinery which can require tight spaces. finishing our repairs we head back to the main terminal where she starts playing with her hair with one finger, twirling it slowly, she looks down kind of coyly and asks "so do you have a phone?"
my brain thought she was referring to one of the store phones used to communicate, which other departments and managers have. so i opened my mouth and said,
"no i don't, but i've got a radio! call me if you need me!" cheerfully and obliviously shooting down the pass from her. she looks a little stunned and manages an "oh." i walked out of the store when i got hit with the sudden realization of what i had done.
|
tifu by misinterpreting "do you have a phone" for "do you have a store phone", and corrected the girl with "no, i've got a radio."
|
missing a pass.
|
[
"tifu by missing a pass from a really attractive",
"ebony lady while on shift.",
"i work part time as a lot associate at home",
"depot, for you of that don't know what a lot",
"associate is, it's a fancy name for a cart boy.",
"i'm the fellow who runs all over the store to",
"help you folk load up your heavy objects in to",
"your vehicle, give you a hand or when you're",
"feeling lazy/entitled. there are a few of you i'm",
"aware... either way, the main source of",
"communication is a simple walkie talkie between",
"me and the numerous cashiers that need help. so",
"with that covered, the fuck up. i've been on",
"shift for a few minutes, i've been catching up",
"with a work buddy and i had just gotten out of a",
"slump from my ex's new house with her new",
"boyfriend, so my mind was on other things. i",
"noticed one of the self check outs being weird",
"and malfunctioning. so i brought it up with the",
"new chick that has hired on for head cashier, we",
"both get together and fix the problem. now she's",
"rather cute in my opinion, physically attractive",
"and well maintained, 8/10 would bang. she got",
"awfully close to me a few times and rubbed up",
"against me, but i thought nothing of it as we",
"were working on machinery which can require tight",
"spaces. finishing our repairs we head back to the",
"main terminal where she starts playing with her",
"hair with one finger, twirling it slowly, she",
"looks down kind of coyly and asks \"so do you have",
"a phone?\"",
"my brain thought she was referring to one of the",
"store phones used to communicate, which other",
"departments and managers have. so i opened my",
"mouth and said,",
"\"no i don't, but i've got a radio! call me if you",
"need me!\" cheerfully and obliviously shooting",
"down the pass from her. she looks a little",
"stunned and manages an \"oh.\" i walked out of the",
"store when i got hit with the sudden realization",
"of what i had done."
] |
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looks down kind of coyly and asks "so do you have a phone?" "no i don't, but i've got a radio! call me if you
|
162 | 122 | 0.84 | 162 |
let's preface this by saying, i'm 18, i refuse to drink and i don't fit in very well. i also have been raised to not be an immature child, so most situations are handled in the most logical and simple fashion. and this was today.
ok! so today was my girlfriend's friend's grad party, she'll be known as g, and of course kids were drinking and acting a fool. i just kinda sat there at a table enjoying my water. i'm fairly good friends with the girl's boyfriend and he was excited for me to come because we're similar enough that we just mind our own business.
so some of his friends who are all on the football team decide to show up. now i can sum them up in a few words. douche-y, meat-headed, etc. anyways i just stay where i am and they all start "downing drinks" (by their standard of about 3 an hour). they all start spouting off that "we're so wasted" and shit, which just bugs me. i'm pretty sure that jack daniel's watermelon or whatever can't get you drunk at 3 per hour. well in their "drunken state", they decide "let's go pick on ejgamer, he's not drinking!" me being "unpopular" to them essentially gives them a free card to be dicks so i just brush it off.
well about 20 minutes later one of them, lets call him jeff, walks up to me and he grabs my half-full bottle of water and whips it at g and starts screaming "why the fuck would you do that" "don't ever hit girls" blah blah. and this bottle hit her hard, think 1 hit ko!!, kind of hard. she crumbles, jeff is screaming for his buddies, they come running over and just start punching me. i'm by no means a pacifist, but when its 6 on 1, i'm not gonna fight back. i fall, they walk off, i get up, my girlfriend comes over and says she wants to leave. whatever. so we get in the car, i smell alcohol on her breath (i'm driving by the way), and we drive off.
back to the gamercave!
we get to my house and she says "we need to talk." fuck, what's going on now? after nearly 5 years, that's the 3rd time i've heard that phrase. "what's up?" she replies "you really got hurt, didn't you?" "yeah." "well, i can't be with a guy who doesn't stand up for himself." you're shitting me, right? this is what we're discussing? so i say "why is this the time or place to do this?" she says "i need to be honest. before you threw the bottle at g, i was fucking jeff."
never in my life have i felt so screwed over. not only does she think i hurt her friend, she was getting fucked immediately prior to the bottle throwing.
i silently took her home. there's a myriad of things i'll put up with, but cheating? no. fucking. way. when we get to her house i tell her to get out. she does. i go home and her dad calls me.
hm why is he calling me right now, of all times? him: "you fucking cheated on my daughter?? you little prick you're lucky you're not here or i would kick your fucking ass! fucking pig never speak to her again!" right after this he hangs up. rude asshole.
so here i am, typing this, bruises + black eye, fuming and crying. fuck today
edit: charges have been pressed, aggravated assault. i called the father, he doesn't believe me. i don't drink because alcohol makes me a cunt and i was the dd for the now ex. i'm definitely not looking down on them for drinking, i don't give a shit what they do. the only reason i didn't fight back is jeff and his friends get off on fighting, and if i were to continue, they definitely wouldn't have stopped. as for the ex, the cheating has only been recent, like a few months. why? no clue.
|
grad party = douchebags + [(alcohol x superiority complex) / ass kicking] ^ cheating girlfriend.
|
attending a high school grad party.
|
[
"let's preface this by saying, i'm 18, i refuse to",
"drink and i don't fit in very well. i also have",
"been raised to not be an immature child, so most",
"situations are handled in the most logical and",
"simple fashion. and this was today.",
"ok! so today was my girlfriend's friend's grad",
"party, she'll be known as g, and of course kids",
"were drinking and acting a fool. i just kinda",
"sat there at a table enjoying my water. i'm",
"fairly good friends with the girl's boyfriend and",
"he was excited for me to come because we're",
"similar enough that we just mind our own",
"business.",
"so some of his friends who are all on the",
"football team decide to show up. now i can sum",
"them up in a few words. douche-y, meat-headed,",
"etc. anyways i just stay where i am and they all",
"start \"downing drinks\" (by their standard of",
"about 3 an hour). they all start spouting off",
"that \"we're so wasted\" and shit, which just bugs",
"me. i'm pretty sure that jack daniel's",
"watermelon or whatever can't get you drunk at 3",
"per hour. well in their \"drunken state\", they",
"decide \"let's go pick on ejgamer, he's not",
"drinking!\" me being \"unpopular\" to them",
"essentially gives them a free card to be dicks so",
"i just brush it off.",
"well about 20 minutes later one of them, lets",
"call him jeff, walks up to me and he grabs my",
"half-full bottle of water and whips it at g and",
"starts screaming \"why the fuck would you do that\"",
"\"don't ever hit girls\" blah blah. and this",
"bottle hit her hard, think 1 hit ko!!, kind of",
"hard. she crumbles, jeff is screaming for his",
"buddies, they come running over and just start",
"punching me. i'm by no means a pacifist, but",
"when its 6 on 1, i'm not gonna fight back. i",
"fall, they walk off, i get up, my girlfriend",
"comes over and says she wants to leave.",
"whatever. so we get in the car, i smell alcohol",
"on her breath (i'm driving by the way), and we",
"drive off.",
"back to the gamercave!",
"we get to my house and she says \"we need to",
"talk.\" fuck, what's going on now? after nearly",
"5 years, that's the 3rd time i've heard that",
"phrase. \"what's up?\" she replies \"you really",
"got hurt, didn't you?\" \"yeah.\" \"well, i can't",
"be with a guy who doesn't stand up for himself.\"",
"you're shitting me, right? this is what we're",
"discussing? so i say \"why is this the time or",
"place to do this?\" she says \"i need to be",
"honest. before you threw the bottle at g, i was",
"fucking jeff.\"",
"never in my life have i felt so screwed over.",
"not only does she think i hurt her friend, she",
"was getting fucked immediately prior to the",
"bottle throwing.",
"i silently took her home. there's a myriad of",
"things i'll put up with, but cheating? no.",
"fucking. way. when we get to her house i tell",
"her to get out. she does. i go home and her dad",
"calls me.",
"hm why is he calling me right now, of all times?",
"him: \"you fucking cheated on my daughter?? you",
"little prick you're lucky you're not here or i",
"would kick your fucking ass! fucking pig never",
"speak to her again!\" right after this he hangs",
"up. rude asshole.",
"so here i am, typing this, bruises + black eye,",
"fuming and crying. fuck today",
"edit: charges have been pressed, aggravated",
"assault. i called the father, he doesn't believe",
"me. i don't drink because alcohol makes me a",
"cunt and i was the dd for the now ex. i'm",
"definitely not looking down on them for drinking,",
"i don't give a shit what they do. the only",
"reason i didn't fight back is jeff and his",
"friends get off on fighting, and if i were to",
"continue, they definitely wouldn't have stopped.",
"as for the ex, the cheating has only been recent,",
"like a few months. why? no clue."
] |
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ok! so today was my girlfriend's friend's grad would kick your fucking ass! fucking pig never
|
1 | 1 | 0.67 | 1 |
so this happened about an hour ago.
i work in a grocery store bakery and at night before closers can leave we have to check out with a manager. i checked out and he asked me to fix a few things before i went home. while i was fixing them i got a call from my bf. he is a few states away for school and due for surgery, so while i was touching up the windows and stocking the floor i answered my phone. it was way passed close and i was about to clock out anyway and ive known plenty of people who make quick calls after close while finishing small tasks.
yeah i know it was stupid, while i was talking to him, my manager walks up and motions for me to hang up and he looked really pissed. so i hung up, finished my stuff and got myself out. he didnt say anything but good night while i was leaving, but im terrified im going to walk into a write up tomorrow.....
|
never touching my phone at work again.
|
answering my phone at work
|
[
"so this happened about an hour ago.",
"i work in a grocery store bakery and at night",
"before closers can leave we have to check out",
"with a manager. i checked out and he asked me to",
"fix a few things before i went home. while i was",
"fixing them i got a call from my bf. he is a few",
"states away for school and due for surgery, so",
"while i was touching up the windows and stocking",
"the floor i answered my phone. it was way passed",
"close and i was about to clock out anyway and ive",
"known plenty of people who make quick calls after",
"close while finishing small tasks.",
"yeah i know it was stupid, while i was talking to",
"him, my manager walks up and motions for me to",
"hang up and he looked really pissed. so i hung",
"up, finished my stuff and got myself out. he",
"didnt say anything but good night while i was",
"leaving, but im terrified im going to walk into a",
"write up tomorrow....."
] |
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the floor i answered my phone. it was way passed
|
2 | 0 | 0.67 | 2 |
this happened yesterday morning. i just woke up, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and i was hungry. i searched eagerly through every cupboard, but there was nothing for breakfast. i decided it was time to go grocery shopping. i arrived at the whole foods, and my stomach was gowling. i had a sudden craving for cereal, so i headed to that isle. the corn flakes were on the highest shelf, so being my 6ft 3" self, i reached for them. i had a hold on the box, and all seemed good.
i brought my arms down and elbowed a woman below me. she dropped a container of nuts in shock.
i apologized profusely and high tailed the fuck out of there, crushing almonds below my feet.
looks like i won't be returning to that whole foods ever again.
|
reached for some corn flakes, bonked a lady over the head.
|
wanting corn flakes
|
[
"this happened yesterday morning. i just woke up,",
"the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and",
"i was hungry. i searched eagerly through every",
"cupboard, but there was nothing for breakfast. i",
"decided it was time to go grocery shopping. i",
"arrived at the whole foods, and my stomach was",
"gowling. i had a sudden craving for cereal, so i",
"headed to that isle. the corn flakes were on the",
"highest shelf, so being my 6ft 3\" self, i reached",
"for them. i had a hold on the box, and all seemed",
"good.",
"i brought my arms down and elbowed a woman below",
"me. she dropped a container of nuts in shock.",
"i apologized profusely and high tailed the fuck",
"out of there, crushing almonds below my feet.",
"looks like i won't be returning to that whole",
"foods ever again."
] |
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gowling. i had a sudden craving for cereal, so i headed to that isle. the corn flakes were on the
|
11 | 6 | 0.72 | 11 |
so this happened today. actually, it happened about 5 minutes ago.
i work at a beer store. reps give us samples all the time of new product. today's sample was a 50ml bottle of jack daniels tennessee fire.
i'm at home, in bed, with no pants on because its hot as fuck. i look over at the little bottle of future hell on my nightstand and decide to give it a swig. being dumb, and on my second class of scotch i fail to realize that i didn't put the cap back on the bottle and set it down on my lap to answer a text message.
it poured... all over my uncovered vagina.
fuck.
edit: its not long enough to warrant a tl;dr but regardless...
|
firecrotch.
|
i decided to sample some cinnamon whiskey. (nsfw)?
|
[
"so this happened today. actually, it happened",
"about 5 minutes ago.",
"i work at a beer store. reps give us samples all",
"the time of new product. today's sample was a",
"50ml bottle of jack daniels tennessee fire.",
"i'm at home, in bed, with no pants on because its",
"hot as fuck. i look over at the little bottle of",
"future hell on my nightstand and decide to give",
"it a swig. being dumb, and on my second class of",
"scotch i fail to realize that i didn't put the",
"cap back on the bottle and set it down on my lap",
"to answer a text message.",
"it poured... all over my uncovered vagina.",
"fuck.",
"edit: its not long enough to warrant a tl;dr but",
"regardless..."
] |
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1 | 4 | 0.6 | 1 |
so about an hour ago i fu.
i went to pick up my girlfriend from work and brought her back to her dad's (where we are staying the night tonight). i started to make dinner for the three of us and everything was going well, i boiled the corn on the cob, made mac and cheese, slightly burnt the sausage and caught a little crap. i preheated the oven to warm up the rolls, opened it a few minutes later to find a cake still in there from last week. i moved the dish to the stove top, warmed the rolls and we started getting the plates filled up... then bang! glass everywhere, there was a burner left on and the glass cake dish exploded. to make things worse the cake then catches fire and the glass shrapnel cut her dad's leg. i'm an idiot.
|
set glass cake dish on a burner that was still on, bombed my so's fathers kitchen.
|
blowing up my girlfriend's dad's kitchen.
|
[
"so about an hour ago i fu.",
"i went to pick up my girlfriend from work and",
"brought her back to her dad's (where we are",
"staying the night tonight). i started to make",
"dinner for the three of us and everything was",
"going well, i boiled the corn on the cob, made",
"mac and cheese, slightly burnt the sausage and",
"caught a little crap. i preheated the oven to",
"warm up the rolls, opened it a few minutes later",
"to find a cake still in there from last week. i",
"moved the dish to the stove top, warmed the rolls",
"and we started getting the plates filled up...",
"then bang! glass everywhere, there was a burner",
"left on and the glass cake dish exploded. to make",
"things worse the cake then catches fire and the",
"glass shrapnel cut her dad's leg. i'm an idiot."
] |
[
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] |
then bang! glass everywhere, there was a burner left on and the glass cake dish exploded. to make
|
4 | 2 | 0.72 | 4 |
so this actually happened today. my family is in the area where my cousin lives, and we've been visiting with him and his family for the last few days. he's been growing peppers. he has plants with scorpions, and even a plant with carolina reapers growing.
so today he says "let's eat a pepper!" i'm hesitant because this wouldn't be the first time i've eaten something stupidly hot, but he tells me it's a trinidad scorpion, so how could i pass that up?
so we set some rules, ten seconds of chewing before swallowing, and then wait five minutes before getting ice cream to cool it down. so he gets one, and cuts it in half. we take our halves and pop them in. thus the countdown of chewing begins. after the ten seconds i swallow the pepper. it tastes really good the trinidad scorpion has wonderful flavour. i mention this to my cousin, and then the heat hits me. the only way to describe the way the heat hits is like someone coming out of nowhere and hitting you in the face with a snow shovel.
we both start pacing and breathing heavy. i decided to wash my hands. and then after about a minute my cousin goes into his kitchen to get the ice cream. we dig into the ice cream with mild relief, but soon the pain is reborn. i decide then that it was a good time to try and use the bathroom. once i'm in the bathroom my stomach or liver or something begins to very sharply hurt. almost like someone was stabbing me. i knew this was bad. so i hurry up in the bathroom. once i was done in there i ran out and grabbed the trash bin, and immediately started vomiting.
why didn't i just puke in the toilet you may be wondering. that's because i would have shat myself. i could feel it in my intestines. i manage to make it back into the bathroom where pain is coming out of both ends of my body, all while i'm sweating and tears are running out of my eyes. i asked my cousin to bring me tums, and i ate about 30 of them.
while this is all going on my mom, brother and my cousins kids are all watching this unfold laughing hysterically at my pain.
i have a fairly high heat tolerance but my body was not ready for the pain i experienced.
my cousin said its the hottest one he'd ate to date. he wasn't as bad as me because he's naturally build up a tolerance for them. my stomach, hours later is still churning, and my nose still burns.
will i do it again? probably.
|
i ate half of a piece of the second hottest pepper in world, and the pain was unreal.
|
eating half of a trinidad scorpion pepper at my cousins house
|
[
"so this actually happened today. my family is in",
"the area where my cousin lives, and we've been",
"visiting with him and his family for the last few",
"days. he's been growing peppers. he has plants",
"with scorpions, and even a plant with carolina",
"reapers growing.",
"so today he says \"let's eat a pepper!\" i'm",
"hesitant because this wouldn't be the first time",
"i've eaten something stupidly hot, but he tells",
"me it's a trinidad scorpion, so how could i pass",
"that up?",
"so we set some rules, ten seconds of chewing",
"before swallowing, and then wait five minutes",
"before getting ice cream to cool it down. so he",
"gets one, and cuts it in half. we take our halves",
"and pop them in. thus the countdown of chewing",
"begins. after the ten seconds i swallow the",
"pepper. it tastes really good the trinidad",
"scorpion has wonderful flavour. i mention this to",
"my cousin, and then the heat hits me. the only",
"way to describe the way the heat hits is like",
"someone coming out of nowhere and hitting you in",
"the face with a snow shovel.",
"we both start pacing and breathing heavy. i",
"decided to wash my hands. and then after about a",
"minute my cousin goes into his kitchen to get the",
"ice cream. we dig into the ice cream with mild",
"relief, but soon the pain is reborn. i decide",
"then that it was a good time to try and use the",
"bathroom. once i'm in the bathroom my stomach or",
"liver or something begins to very sharply hurt.",
"almost like someone was stabbing me. i knew this",
"was bad. so i hurry up in the bathroom. once i",
"was done in there i ran out and grabbed the trash",
"bin, and immediately started vomiting.",
"why didn't i just puke in the toilet you may be",
"wondering. that's because i would have shat",
"myself. i could feel it in my intestines. i",
"manage to make it back into the bathroom where",
"pain is coming out of both ends of my body, all",
"while i'm sweating and tears are running out of",
"my eyes. i asked my cousin to bring me tums, and",
"i ate about 30 of them.",
"while this is all going on my mom, brother and my",
"cousins kids are all watching this unfold",
"laughing hysterically at my pain.",
"i have a fairly high heat tolerance but my body",
"was not ready for the pain i experienced.",
"my cousin said its the hottest one he'd ate to",
"date. he wasn't as bad as me because he's",
"naturally build up a tolerance for them. my",
"stomach, hours later is still churning, and my",
"nose still burns.",
"will i do it again? probably."
] |
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] |
i ate about 30 of them. was not ready for the pain i experienced.
|
10 | 6 | 0.72 | 10 |
tifu so, roughly 24 hours ago, we celebrated my best friend's birthday. his wife set up dinner and tickets to wwe summer slam tour for a bunch of their friends, with most people going to dinner, and only a few of us going to wwe. well, she planned everything, and even stated how we were all to take uber to the restaurant and then from there to the sporting arena, which is about 15 miles away in a heavily traffic area, lets call l angeles. no, that's too specific, lets call it los a.
well, i drove out from one state over, and picked up other friends who were going to the wwe that live about an hour away from the arena. since i was staying at their place that night, and had a 4 hour drive back in the morning to my city of residence, i suggested that rather than pay for uber to drive us to the arena, we just drive ourselves and pay the whole crazy huge amount of $20 for parking that his wife claimed we had to avoid. had we taken uber, we would have had to uber back to our car which would have been 15 trafficky miles (at least 30 minutes to drive) in the opposite direction.
so, we told her, and she said no, the point of uber was so everyone could get drunk, yet i have repeatedly told her, i don't drink to the point of getting drunk, and actually probably have maybe 1 beer every two weeks, making a need for a $20 there and back uber ride unnecessary.
now, back to the night of the event: well, that brings us to dinner. about 15 people were supposed to show up for my friend's birthday dinner, however, 6 cancelled last minute, leaving us with only 9, and they also gave away our table to the wrong party. needless to say his wife was not in the best mood. honestly, she is the kind of person where if you don't do exactly what she says, she goes into crazy bitch mode, where in if you look at her the wrong way, she will lay into you and everything will be your fault.
so, dinner goes ok, but the entire time, she gives me dirty looks like i just killed her baby. another friend who was there then tried to appease her, but taking her and one of the other 6 to staples center on his way home after dinner, since my car can only fit 4 (note, i drove up with 3 people who live an hour away and were also going to the wwe). we all make it to staples center, with no one taking uber, and i pay the $20 parking (oh dear god no, what will i ever do $20 is sooo much money when the uber ride there would have cost $20). the event starts and everyone is seemingly having a good time.
that is, until it's leaving time. we're saying our good byes, and i say good bye to my friend whose birthday it is, and then i say good bye to his wife. this is where it gets weird folks. she opens a huge can of biatch, laying into me like the pimply faced kid at mcdonald's. full of f-bombs and blaming me for everything that went wrong and ruining the night for about 5 minutes (remember, 6 people cancelled last minute, 2 of them, related to the birthday boy). while this is not the first time she has yelled at me for not following her directions exactly because honestly, sometimes stuff happens, you can't do everything exactly as planned, and a lot of the time, her plans involve spending money for no reason when someone can just stay sober, which i love to do. my friend (the birthday boy) had enough with her uncalled for verbal butt-kicking of me, and decided to walk off and take a different taxi home from his wife "telling her, he has some things to think about". and we drove back to my other friend's house where i stayed the night and then drove the 4 hours back home first thing this morning.
sorry for the long story, i'll check it later and make sure i correct anything. oh, and we are 30.
|
drove to an event, stayed sober instead of taking an uber to get there and then get and uber back in the opposite direction to get my car. made my friend's wife explode in rage, possibly hurting their marriage.
|
driving sober instead of taking uber
|
[
"tifu so, roughly 24 hours ago, we celebrated my",
"best friend's birthday. his wife set up dinner",
"and tickets to wwe summer slam tour for a bunch",
"of their friends, with most people going to",
"dinner, and only a few of us going to wwe. well,",
"she planned everything, and even stated how we",
"were all to take uber to the restaurant and then",
"from there to the sporting arena, which is about",
"15 miles away in a heavily traffic area, lets",
"call l angeles. no, that's too specific, lets",
"call it los a.",
"well, i drove out from one state over, and picked",
"up other friends who were going to the wwe that",
"live about an hour away from the arena. since i",
"was staying at their place that night, and had a",
"4 hour drive back in the morning to my city of",
"residence, i suggested that rather than pay for",
"uber to drive us to the arena, we just drive",
"ourselves and pay the whole crazy huge amount of",
"$20 for parking that his wife claimed we had to",
"avoid. had we taken uber, we would have had to",
"uber back to our car which would have been 15",
"trafficky miles (at least 30 minutes to drive) in",
"the opposite direction.",
"so, we told her, and she said no, the point of",
"uber was so everyone could get drunk, yet i have",
"repeatedly told her, i don't drink to the point",
"of getting drunk, and actually probably have",
"maybe 1 beer every two weeks, making a need for a",
"$20 there and back uber ride unnecessary.",
"now, back to the night of the event: well, that",
"brings us to dinner. about 15 people were",
"supposed to show up for my friend's birthday",
"dinner, however, 6 cancelled last minute, leaving",
"us with only 9, and they also gave away our table",
"to the wrong party. needless to say his wife was",
"not in the best mood. honestly, she is the kind",
"of person where if you don't do exactly what she",
"says, she goes into crazy bitch mode, where in if",
"you look at her the wrong way, she will lay into",
"you and everything will be your fault.",
"so, dinner goes ok, but the entire time, she",
"gives me dirty looks like i just killed her baby.",
"another friend who was there then tried to",
"appease her, but taking her and one of the other",
"6 to staples center on his way home after dinner,",
"since my car can only fit 4 (note, i drove up",
"with 3 people who live an hour away and were also",
"going to the wwe). we all make it to staples",
"center, with no one taking uber, and i pay the",
"$20 parking (oh dear god no, what will i ever do",
"$20 is sooo much money when the uber ride there",
"would have cost $20). the event starts and",
"everyone is seemingly having a good time.",
"that is, until it's leaving time. we're saying",
"our good byes, and i say good bye to my friend",
"whose birthday it is, and then i say good bye to",
"his wife. this is where it gets weird folks. she",
"opens a huge can of biatch, laying into me like",
"the pimply faced kid at mcdonald's. full of",
"f-bombs and blaming me for everything that went",
"wrong and ruining the night for about 5 minutes",
"(remember, 6 people cancelled last minute, 2 of",
"them, related to the birthday boy). while this is",
"not the first time she has yelled at me for not",
"following her directions exactly because",
"honestly, sometimes stuff happens, you can't do",
"everything exactly as planned, and a lot of the",
"time, her plans involve spending money for no",
"reason when someone can just stay sober, which i",
"love to do. my friend (the birthday boy) had",
"enough with her uncalled for verbal butt-kicking",
"of me, and decided to walk off and take a",
"different taxi home from his wife \"telling her,",
"he has some things to think about\". and we drove",
"back to my other friend's house where i stayed",
"the night and then drove the 4 hours back home",
"first thing this morning.",
"sorry for the long story, i'll check it later and",
"make sure i correct anything. oh, and we are 30."
] |
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of their friends, with most people going to 4 hour drive back in the morning to my city of the opposite direction. $20 there and back uber ride unnecessary. the night and then drove the 4 hours back home
|
11 | 0 | 0.83 | 11 |
this happened earlier in the week, but i didn't have time to post until now.
anyway, i currently am going through a law enforcement academy and part of that is getting hit with oc spray so you can learn to deal with the effects of it. to put it simply, this shit burns and was probably the most painful physical experience of my life.
we wash most of the spray off immediately after, but the some the residue stays on your body afterward and will reactivate if it gets wet. the best way to get rid of this stuff is to jump in a pool if you have one. luckily, our dorms do. unluckily, it was storming when we got back to them. so i decided to hang out in my room until the storm cleared up to hop in the pool. i didn't want to resort to the shower as you have to do it at odd angles to avoid the spray dripping down to sensitive areas.
i'm in my room and it's taking time to clear up outside. i'm browsing the web to kill time and inevitably wind up on porn. at this point i've been to the bathroom enough and washed my hands enough that i believe the oc is all cleaned off my hands. i take a risk and i go to town on myself, using spit as lube.
i'm not in any rush, so i'm taking my time and enjoying myself and pushing myself further and further. it's right around the point of no return that i start feeling a slightly odd sensation on my dick. i realize that it's been there for awhile now and steadily been growing. now, as i said, i'm close to the point of no return and it just feels slightly odd, so i see no point in not continuing.
it's as i reached climax that i realized how badly i truly fucked up. my dick felt like it was literally on fire and i was in full panic mode. i ran to the window and, god be praised, it stopped storming and is now nice and sunny out. i throw on my swim trunks while simultaneously trying not to scream out in pure agony as oc spray keeps increasing its hellish fury.
i ran out my dorm door and had to wait for an elevator as i was on the fourth floor. the elevators in this building are always slow, but today they seem to be intentionally fucking me over by taking forever. when they do arrive i let out a half scream/sigh of relief that the pool is that much closer and slam on the first floor and "doors close" buttons.
the second i get off the elevator the sensation in my groin has turned into a burning sun and i take off sprinting out the back door, tearing off my shirt and kicking off my flip flops and jumping into the pool. the effect is almost immediate, the burning star in my trunks felt like it had instantly turned into a cold rock hurtling through space.
as i resurfaced i took in the bewildered looks of a couple of my classmates who were clearly wondering why i came running out of the dorm acting like a crazy person. i managed to convince them that my sweat had reactivated the oc while i was in the elevator and it was burning my eyes.
|
reactivated oc spray during happy time, doused a burning sun in a swimming pool
|
using oc spray as a lubricant
|
[
"this happened earlier in the week, but i didn't",
"have time to post until now.",
"anyway, i currently am going through a law",
"enforcement academy and part of that is getting",
"hit with oc spray so you can learn to deal with",
"the effects of it. to put it simply, this shit",
"burns and was probably the most painful physical",
"experience of my life.",
"we wash most of the spray off immediately after,",
"but the some the residue stays on your body",
"afterward and will reactivate if it gets wet. the",
"best way to get rid of this stuff is to jump in a",
"pool if you have one. luckily, our dorms do.",
"unluckily, it was storming when we got back to",
"them. so i decided to hang out in my room until",
"the storm cleared up to hop in the pool. i didn't",
"want to resort to the shower as you have to do it",
"at odd angles to avoid the spray dripping down to",
"sensitive areas.",
"i'm in my room and it's taking time to clear up",
"outside. i'm browsing the web to kill time and",
"inevitably wind up on porn. at this point i've",
"been to the bathroom enough and washed my hands",
"enough that i believe the oc is all cleaned off",
"my hands. i take a risk and i go to town on",
"myself, using spit as lube.",
"i'm not in any rush, so i'm taking my time and",
"enjoying myself and pushing myself further and",
"further. it's right around the point of no return",
"that i start feeling a slightly odd sensation on",
"my dick. i realize that it's been there for",
"awhile now and steadily been growing. now, as i",
"said, i'm close to the point of no return and it",
"just feels slightly odd, so i see no point in not",
"continuing.",
"it's as i reached climax that i realized how",
"badly i truly fucked up. my dick felt like it was",
"literally on fire and i was in full panic mode. i",
"ran to the window and, god be praised, it stopped",
"storming and is now nice and sunny out. i throw",
"on my swim trunks while simultaneously trying not",
"to scream out in pure agony as oc spray keeps",
"increasing its hellish fury.",
"i ran out my dorm door and had to wait for an",
"elevator as i was on the fourth floor. the",
"elevators in this building are always slow, but",
"today they seem to be intentionally fucking me",
"over by taking forever. when they do arrive i let",
"out a half scream/sigh of relief that the pool is",
"that much closer and slam on the first floor and",
"\"doors close\" buttons.",
"the second i get off the elevator the sensation",
"in my groin has turned into a burning sun and i",
"take off sprinting out the back door, tearing off",
"my shirt and kicking off my flip flops and",
"jumping into the pool. the effect is almost",
"immediate, the burning star in my trunks felt",
"like it had instantly turned into a cold rock",
"hurtling through space.",
"as i resurfaced i took in the bewildered looks of",
"a couple of my classmates who were clearly",
"wondering why i came running out of the dorm",
"acting like a crazy person. i managed to convince",
"them that my sweat had reactivated the oc while i",
"was in the elevator and it was burning my eyes."
] |
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to scream out in pure agony as oc spray keeps in my groin has turned into a burning sun and i
|
13 | 8 | 0.78 | 13 |
ok, this is kind of part 2 of this [here:](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/3enycf/tifu_by_being_too_honest) in that about 2 hours after this happened my fiance fu'ed again, the extent to which will hopefully become apparent tomorrow, in the meantime she is quite full of angst and remorse and she requested i post this for her to allow us redditors to rejoice in her misery (again).
preface: i am *not* a mean spirited person, i am a hard worker and a good boss and i would never hurt anyone i work with's feelings if at all possible or make fun of them in a demeaning way. that being said, this one, *this one* are going to stick with me for awhile because it was an honest fu that made me look like a big asshole and i was oblivious to what unfolded in front of me.
so yesterday, after the money thing, i noticed one of my clerks (we'll call him steve) working in a different department than mine (call mine dept p), and i walked over to inquire if he had changed departments and he said he was "on loan" to that department today. "oh i see steeeeeeeve, you just couldn't *make it* in p department, could ya?" and "you just can't handle the work, could ya steeeeeeve?!" - and other stupid middle school taunts that i, as the p department manager (as of tomorrow, go me - i got a promotion!) should not have been making in the first place.
first off, this is a really sensitive *kid* - maybe 18 max and always very quiet. honestly i thought "good" when i saw him in the other department "maybe i can hire someone who can actually carry some work in my department p" .
a little while later one of the assistant managers of of the whole store pulls me aside and says "hey you know steve pretty much had a meltdown last night and said he couldn't handle department p, i put him in the other department today to try to help him sort his head out and not lose hours.
oh. my. god.
the kid, steve, who had been teased (in good nature, i promise!!!!!) by *me, the manager of department p about how shitty of a job he was doing in *my* department was literally working in a different department because he had a breakdown over his inability to "get" what it takes to work in my department.
i hope i can talk to him alone tomorrow and explain that i had *no idea* he had had a meltdown, i only knew he was in what i saw as the "wrong department" - and it got ugly from there on out.
i really hope he's ok. i feel like a total dick.
edit: words for clarification
|
teased a clerk in my department when working in a different department temporarily that he cannot handle working in my department and the reason he was working in other was because he had a meltdown because he really couldn't handle working in my department.
|
teasing a co-worker mercilessly
|
[
"ok, this is kind of part 2 of this",
"[here:](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/3e",
"nycf/tifu_by_being_too_honest)",
"in that about 2 hours after this happened my",
"fiance fu'ed again, the extent to which will",
"hopefully become apparent tomorrow, in the",
"meantime she is quite full of angst and remorse",
"and she requested i post this for her to allow us",
"redditors to rejoice in her misery (again).",
"preface: i am *not* a mean spirited person, i am",
"a hard worker and a good boss and i would never",
"hurt anyone i work with's feelings if at all",
"possible or make fun of them in a demeaning way.",
"that being said, this one, *this one* are going",
"to stick with me for awhile because it was an",
"honest fu that made me look like a big asshole",
"and i was oblivious to what unfolded in front of",
"me.",
"so yesterday, after the money thing, i noticed",
"one of my clerks (we'll call him steve) working",
"in a different department than mine (call mine",
"dept p), and i walked over to inquire if he had",
"changed departments and he said he was \"on loan\"",
"to that department today. \"oh i see steeeeeeeve,",
"you just couldn't *make it* in p department,",
"could ya?\" and \"you just can't handle the work,",
"could ya steeeeeeve?!\" - and other stupid middle",
"school taunts that i, as the p department manager",
"(as of tomorrow, go me - i got a promotion!)",
"should not have been making in the first place.",
"first off, this is a really sensitive *kid* -",
"maybe 18 max and always very quiet. honestly i",
"thought \"good\" when i saw him in the other",
"department \"maybe i can hire someone who can",
"actually carry some work in my department p\" .",
"a little while later one of the assistant",
"managers of of the whole store pulls me aside and",
"says \"hey you know steve pretty much had a",
"meltdown last night and said he couldn't handle",
"department p, i put him in the other department",
"today to try to help him sort his head out and",
"not lose hours.",
"oh. my. god.",
"the kid, steve, who had been teased (in good",
"nature, i promise!!!!!) by *me, the manager of",
"department p about how shitty of a job he was",
"doing in *my* department was literally working in",
"a different department because he had a breakdown",
"over his inability to \"get\" what it takes to work",
"in my department.",
"i hope i can talk to him alone tomorrow and",
"explain that i had *no idea* he had had a",
"meltdown, i only knew he was in what i saw as the",
"\"wrong department\" - and it got ugly from there",
"on out.",
"i really hope he's ok. i feel like a total dick.",
"edit: words for clarification"
] |
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] |
meltdown last night and said he couldn't handle doing in *my* department was literally working in a different department because he had a breakdown
|
7 | 6 | 0.83 | 7 |
> i have been using a shit laptop for gaming for 3 years and this weekend was the weekend where that was coming to a end. i had finally saved enough money for a pc and was gifted some parts from a good friend of mine, one of those parts being a gtx titan. ( a very expensive graphics card, and was the flagship card a year or two ago.) but he forgot the wrong screws for the fan to the card so i was stuck having my [fan](http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.dvhardware.net/news/2013/nvidia_geforce_gtx_titan_exploded.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.dvhardware.net/article57639.html&h=438&w=575&tbnid=wrm7rsjst3b10m:&docid=rvkni4rtdaisvm&ei=k3y1vbwkloyq-ahbv4lgbq&tbm=isch&ved=0cfeqmyhome44zgovchmi9exk74f6xgivdbu-ch3bnwbc) pretty much only connected to the card by two power cords to the card itself. so i built my pc and was so excited to use a real computer and play games at higher than 15 fps, i get windows started and everything is working and i have the case on its side so the fan will stay somewhat in contact with the card. i had stated to a couple of friends of mine that the screws were wrong and that i was concerned that i maybe should wait for the screws to boot some games so i did and the next day i went to home depot and looked for some screws and a ethernet cable, unfortunately they couldn't find screws that fit so they told me to go tomorrow (monday) to see if this store has the screws i need. well i get home and start downloading stuff to my pc with the card as close to the fan part as possible so that is wont overheat or anything. i downloaded a game and i wanted to test the fps to see what i get. i get into game with max setting 120 smooth and beautiful master race fps and then black screen...my computer starts going fucking nuts, the fans are spinning like iam in a cat 5 hurricane and i immediately turn it off thinking i just did something really wrong. i re check everything is correctly in sockets and reboot to see these fucking huge lines or artifacts things on my tv. so i turn my pc off complete and re try the hdmi. same thing huge pink lines across the tv in bios. so now i know iam fucked. i contact support and they tell me what i already hoped to god wouldn't be true my card is fucked. so i have to get another card which being a student atm so its going to be a good while.
iam a idiot, and should have just waited till monday for some fucking screws.
|
i started a game with with no fan or cooler on my gpu because i didnt want to wait till monday to go to a store and buy screws and broke 900$+ gpu.
|
not waiting a day
|
[
"> i have been using a shit laptop for gaming for 3",
"years and this weekend was the weekend where that",
"was coming to a end. i had finally saved enough",
"money for a pc and was gifted some parts from a",
"good friend of mine, one of those parts being a",
"gtx titan. ( a very expensive graphics card, and",
"was the flagship card a year or two ago.) but he",
"forgot the wrong screws for the fan to the card",
"so i was stuck having my",
"[fan](http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://",
"www.dvhardware.net/news/2013/nvidia_geforce_gtx_ti",
"tan_exploded.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.dvhardware.n",
"et/article57639.html&h=438&w=575&tbnid=wrm7rsjst3b",
"10m:&docid=rvkni4rtdaisvm&ei=k3y1vbwkloyq-ahbv4lgb",
"q&tbm=isch&ved=0cfeqmyhome44zgovchmi9exk74f6xgivdb",
"u-ch3bnwbc)",
"pretty much only connected to the card by two",
"power cords to the card itself. so i built my pc",
"and was so excited to use a real computer and",
"play games at higher than 15 fps, i get windows",
"started and everything is working and i have the",
"case on its side so the fan will stay somewhat in",
"contact with the card. i had stated to a couple",
"of friends of mine that the screws were wrong and",
"that i was concerned that i maybe should wait for",
"the screws to boot some games so i did and the",
"next day i went to home depot and looked for some",
"screws and a ethernet cable, unfortunately they",
"couldn't find screws that fit so they told me to",
"go tomorrow (monday) to see if this store has the",
"screws i need. well i get home and start",
"downloading stuff to my pc with the card as close",
"to the fan part as possible so that is wont",
"overheat or anything. i downloaded a game and i",
"wanted to test the fps to see what i get. i get",
"into game with max setting 120 smooth and",
"beautiful master race fps and then black",
"screen...my computer starts going fucking nuts,",
"the fans are spinning like iam in a cat 5",
"hurricane and i immediately turn it off thinking",
"i just did something really wrong. i re check",
"everything is correctly in sockets and reboot to",
"see these fucking huge lines or artifacts things",
"on my tv. so i turn my pc off complete and re",
"try the hdmi. same thing huge pink lines across",
"the tv in bios. so now i know iam fucked. i",
"contact support and they tell me what i already",
"hoped to god wouldn't be true my card is fucked.",
"so i have to get another card which being a",
"student atm so its going to be a good while.",
"iam a idiot, and should have just waited till",
"monday for some fucking screws."
] |
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screws and a ethernet cable, unfortunately they go tomorrow (monday) to see if this store has the overheat or anything. i downloaded a game and i
|
10 | 1 | 0.92 | 10 |
so i have been living with my girlfriend and her mum for about 3 weeks now. i usually take a dump once and day, and it is always a struggle here. it's a small house and i take big shits. plus, the toilet has the weakest flush in the world. seriously if i take a big poo it requires maybe 3 flushes which is just embarrassing. so naturally any chance i get to take a shit in peace and quiet, i leap at. my gf and her mum went out for a walk earlier and i thought right i'm gonna take a shit and it's gonna be glorious. so i sat there on the toilet (with the door open so i could see if they came back through the window) and it was so explosive it literally painted the bowl brown. but when i went to wipe there was like one sheet of toilet paper, and my ass was all shitty. so i stuck my ass over the sink and cleaned it with the tap. i spent a good 5 minutes getting right up there and making sure i was clean. then i walked downstairs, chuffed with myself for having a nice big shit in peace. my gf and her mum pulled up, i greeted them with a smile and asked them how their walk was. as i was talking to my gf, i heard a noise from upstairs, a frightened noise. and my stomach flipped. i hadn't flushed my explosive shit. and her mum had just found it blasted all over the bowl. i didn't even move. i didn't even address it, and when her mum was away i begged my gf to take the rap for me. but her mum knows. i'm sure of it.
|
i took an explosive shit and my gf's mum found it
|
taking a dump at my girlfriends house
|
[
"so i have been living with my girlfriend and her",
"mum for about 3 weeks now. i usually take a dump",
"once and day, and it is always a struggle here.",
"it's a small house and i take big shits. plus,",
"the toilet has the weakest flush in the world.",
"seriously if i take a big poo it requires maybe 3",
"flushes which is just embarrassing. so naturally",
"any chance i get to take a shit in peace and",
"quiet, i leap at. my gf and her mum went out for",
"a walk earlier and i thought right i'm gonna take",
"a shit and it's gonna be glorious. so i sat there",
"on the toilet (with the door open so i could see",
"if they came back through the window) and it was",
"so explosive it literally painted the bowl brown.",
"but when i went to wipe there was like one sheet",
"of toilet paper, and my ass was all shitty. so i",
"stuck my ass over the sink and cleaned it with",
"the tap. i spent a good 5 minutes getting right",
"up there and making sure i was clean. then i",
"walked downstairs, chuffed with myself for having",
"a nice big shit in peace. my gf and her mum",
"pulled up, i greeted them with a smile and asked",
"them how their walk was. as i was talking to my",
"gf, i heard a noise from upstairs, a frightened",
"noise. and my stomach flipped. i hadn't flushed",
"my explosive shit. and her mum had just found it",
"blasted all over the bowl. i didn't even move. i",
"didn't even address it, and when her mum was away",
"i begged my gf to take the rap for me. but her",
"mum knows. i'm sure of it."
] |
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my explosive shit. and her mum had just found it
|
3 | 1 | 1 | 3 |
so a little background: i'm a young college lad who loves to golf. always been shy around girls and started hitting the gym 6 months ago, finally getting some solid gains and becoming a little more confident.
there's this girl who works the proshop at a golf course i play frequently who's quite attractive and seems pretty cool. long story short, i worked up the confidence to ask for her number today which is a pretty big thing for me, its something i've never done. i've only seen her working one day a week which happens to be today. i got home from work, hit the gym, then walk out to my car all hyped up ready to hit the course and then i realize it. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. my clubs are in my mom's car and she won't be back til late. the one time i leave my clubs out of my trunk all god-damned summer this happens.(i hit the range with my dad last night and left my clubs there).
i suppose it's not that big of a deal but now i've gotta wait an entire week and i'm pretty pissed about it.
i now know there is a god and he hates me. i guess that's the fucking way she goes
|
have crush on girl at golf course who works there once of a week. finally built up courage to ask for her number today but i left my clubs in my mother's car. guess i gotta wait another week
|
leaving my golf clubs in my mother's car
|
[
"so a little background: i'm a young college lad",
"who loves to golf. always been shy around girls",
"and started hitting the gym 6 months ago, finally",
"getting some solid gains and becoming a little",
"more confident.",
"there's this girl who works the proshop at a golf",
"course i play frequently who's quite attractive",
"and seems pretty cool. long story short, i worked",
"up the confidence to ask for her number today",
"which is a pretty big thing for me, its something",
"i've never done. i've only seen her working one",
"day a week which happens to be today. i got home",
"from work, hit the gym, then walk out to my car",
"all hyped up ready to hit the course and then i",
"realize it. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.",
"my clubs are in my mom's car and she won't be",
"back til late. the one time i leave my clubs out",
"of my trunk all god-damned summer this happens.(i",
"hit the range with my dad last night and left my",
"clubs there).",
"i suppose it's not that big of a deal but now",
"i've gotta wait an entire week and i'm pretty",
"pissed about it.",
"i now know there is a god and he hates me. i",
"guess that's the fucking way she goes"
] |
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there's this girl who works the proshop at a golf up the confidence to ask for her number today my clubs are in my mom's car and she won't be i've gotta wait an entire week and i'm pretty
|
12 | 5 | 0.89 | 12 |
obligatory "this didn't happen today". anyway, on with my story.
a couple of years ago, my step-mom was in cuba for a week, and my dad was in toronto for a business trip, and they left one of the cars behind (a 2002 saturn ion). a little backstory first, it was april 20th (also known as 4/20, a stupid excuse to smoke excessive amounts of weed and party). i had a friend over (let's call him kevin) and invited a few others.
kevin said he knew how to drive standard, so we offered our friends a lift to my house. we get in the car, and kevin is struggling with the clutch. eventually the car stutters out of the driveway, at which point i'm feeling unsure about the whole idea. i tell kevin that maybe we should just forget about the lift and they can find their way here on their own. he agrees and we decide to park the car, go inside, continue watching how high and wait for our friends to arrive.
my friend begins to pull back into the driveway, stuttering just as before. at this point the car is sitting exactly where my step-mom left it. this is where everything went wrong.
the car jolts forward and goes straight through the garage door. if it weren't for the garbage bins, plastic chairs and workbench, the car might have gone clean through into the living room. at this point my friend is hyperventilating and in the midst of a panic attack, while i'm sitting there laughing because my life is over and my parents are going to kill me. but at least the car is shut off and we can figure out what the hell to do. the plastic chairs are obliterated, the garbage bins disfigured beyond repair, the workbench nearly destroyed but worst of all the fucking car just crashed through my house. keep in mind my dad is coming back from his business trip in less than 12 hours.
the first thing we try is to get the car *outfuckingside*, but the garage door is completely destroyed and bent to hell pressing against the roof of the car. it took us over an hour just to get it out. now we just have to deal with the fact that, you know, there's basically a hole where the garage door used to be, since it was bent up like an accordion. so we just start kicking the shit out of it so that it at least closes, and attempted to fix the workbench using scrap wood my dad had lying around.
soon enough, all my other friends arrive to a nice dose of what-the-fuck. we take a smoke break, explain what just happened, and try to brainstorm how the fuck kevin and i are getting out of this one. we fail miserably to come up with anything rational. that's when my friend (let's call him frank) says, "why don't you just say someone tried stealing the car but fucked up and ditched the scene?"
obviously a retarded plan. no one would believe it. how did they even get inside the car? so we sit and think and smoke more weed and slowly we get back to frank's idea. "you should smash the window of the car so it looks like someone really did try stealing the car", he says. at this point, we're all baked to shit and concede that since there is no rational way to explain this whole mess, we had to resort to frank's stupid idea. we get back inside the house and try to assess the damage. it's at this point we notice there's a fucking hole in the wall of the living room, because one of the beams from the workbench got pushed through the drywall and went through the other side. well fuck it, no point worrying about that now, since we just came up with this *brilliant* plan. and yes, i did smash the window as to make the story more "believable" (i also learned that it's very hard to break those windows).
eventually everybody leaves and i'm just waiting for my dad to come home so i can tell him exactly what didn't happen. naturally, he calls the cops. fast forward to when the cops show up. i explain the "situation" and they start asking questions.
"why did you try fixing the garage door?" *oh, i just wanted to at least get it closed so i can go to bed and worry about it tomorrow...*
"why did you try fixing the workbench?" *uhhhh...*
"why didn't you call us right after it happened?" *shit.*
"how did the burglar get the car keys?" *i don't know maybe he knew where they were or maybe...*
"listen, none of your story makes sense. but if you're serious and this really happened we will open an investigation and try and find him. but if we find out you're wasting our time, it's not gonna end well. so tell us right now if you're lying and we'll forget about this whole thing."
at this point i knew it was over. not even a moron would buy this story. i thought better than to go through with my lie, and i admitted then and there that it was bullshit. luckily the cops are right there so my dad won't be able to kill me just yet. the cops laughed, and they said, "well we're not mad about it, surely your father will find some way to punish you," and they leave.
i turn to my dad, and he starts laughing. i have no clue what the fuck is going on. he puts his hand on my shoulder and says, "you're a god damn idiot but i love you." in my head all i can think is "???" and he tells me we should start fixing that hole in the living room. so we go to canadian tire and get some plaster and shit and fix the wall, touch up the workbench, bring the car in for a replacement window and eventually replace the garage door.
all in all, it cost me around $900 (kevin paid half) and probably reduced my lifespan a couple years from the stress. also my step-mom didn't talk to me for the better part of 2 weeks.
i don't have the pictures of when it happened anymore since it was a couple of years ago, but i do have pictures of what it's like today.
[here ya go](http://imgur.com/a/pplko)
|
friend crashed my step-mom's car through the garage door. out of desperation i broke the car window and said someone tried stealing the car. cops didn't believe it and my dad thought it was funny (to this day i don't know why).
|
crashing my step-mom's car through the house
|
[
"obligatory \"this didn't happen today\". anyway, on",
"with my story.",
"a couple of years ago, my step-mom was in cuba",
"for a week, and my dad was in toronto for a",
"business trip, and they left one of the cars",
"behind (a 2002 saturn ion). a little backstory",
"first, it was april 20th (also known as 4/20, a",
"stupid excuse to smoke excessive amounts of weed",
"and party). i had a friend over (let's call him",
"kevin) and invited a few others.",
"kevin said he knew how to drive standard, so we",
"offered our friends a lift to my house. we get in",
"the car, and kevin is struggling with the clutch.",
"eventually the car stutters out of the driveway,",
"at which point i'm feeling unsure about the whole",
"idea. i tell kevin that maybe we should just",
"forget about the lift and they can find their way",
"here on their own. he agrees and we decide to",
"park the car, go inside, continue watching how",
"high and wait for our friends to arrive.",
"my friend begins to pull back into the driveway,",
"stuttering just as before. at this point the car",
"is sitting exactly where my step-mom left it.",
"this is where everything went wrong.",
"the car jolts forward and goes straight through",
"the garage door. if it weren't for the garbage",
"bins, plastic chairs and workbench, the car might",
"have gone clean through into the living room. at",
"this point my friend is hyperventilating and in",
"the midst of a panic attack, while i'm sitting",
"there laughing because my life is over and my",
"parents are going to kill me. but at least the",
"car is shut off and we can figure out what the",
"hell to do. the plastic chairs are obliterated,",
"the garbage bins disfigured beyond repair, the",
"workbench nearly destroyed but worst of all the",
"fucking car just crashed through my house. keep",
"in mind my dad is coming back from his business",
"trip in less than 12 hours.",
"the first thing we try is to get the car",
"*outfuckingside*, but the garage door is",
"completely destroyed and bent to hell pressing",
"against the roof of the car. it took us over an",
"hour just to get it out. now we just have to deal",
"with the fact that, you know, there's basically a",
"hole where the garage door used to be, since it",
"was bent up like an accordion. so we just start",
"kicking the shit out of it so that it at least",
"closes, and attempted to fix the workbench using",
"scrap wood my dad had lying around.",
"soon enough, all my other friends arrive to a",
"nice dose of what-the-fuck. we take a smoke",
"break, explain what just happened, and try to",
"brainstorm how the fuck kevin and i are getting",
"out of this one. we fail miserably to come up",
"with anything rational. that's when my friend",
"(let's call him frank) says, \"why don't you just",
"say someone tried stealing the car but fucked up",
"and ditched the scene?\"",
"obviously a retarded plan. no one would believe",
"it. how did they even get inside the car? so we",
"sit and think and smoke more weed and slowly we",
"get back to frank's idea. \"you should smash the",
"window of the car so it looks like someone really",
"did try stealing the car\", he says. at this",
"point, we're all baked to shit and concede that",
"since there is no rational way to explain this",
"whole mess, we had to resort to frank's stupid",
"idea. we get back inside the house and try to",
"assess the damage. it's at this point we notice",
"there's a fucking hole in the wall of the living",
"room, because one of the beams from the workbench",
"got pushed through the drywall and went through",
"the other side. well fuck it, no point worrying",
"about that now, since we just came up with this",
"*brilliant* plan. and yes, i did smash the window",
"as to make the story more \"believable\" (i also",
"learned that it's very hard to break those",
"windows).",
"eventually everybody leaves and i'm just waiting",
"for my dad to come home so i can tell him exactly",
"what didn't happen. naturally, he calls the cops.",
"fast forward to when the cops show up. i explain",
"the \"situation\" and they start asking questions.",
"\"why did you try fixing the garage door?\" *oh, i",
"just wanted to at least get it closed so i can go",
"to bed and worry about it tomorrow...*",
"\"why did you try fixing the workbench?\"",
"*uhhhh...*",
"\"why didn't you call us right after it happened?\"",
"*shit.*",
"\"how did the burglar get the car keys?\" *i don't",
"know maybe he knew where they were or maybe...*",
"\"listen, none of your story makes sense. but if",
"you're serious and this really happened we will",
"open an investigation and try and find him. but",
"if we find out you're wasting our time, it's not",
"gonna end well. so tell us right now if you're",
"lying and we'll forget about this whole thing.\"",
"at this point i knew it was over. not even a",
"moron would buy this story. i thought better than",
"to go through with my lie, and i admitted then",
"and there that it was bullshit. luckily the cops",
"are right there so my dad won't be able to kill",
"me just yet. the cops laughed, and they said,",
"\"well we're not mad about it, surely your father",
"will find some way to punish you,\" and they",
"leave.",
"i turn to my dad, and he starts laughing. i have",
"no clue what the fuck is going on. he puts his",
"hand on my shoulder and says, \"you're a god damn",
"idiot but i love you.\" in my head all i can think",
"is \"???\" and he tells me we should start fixing",
"that hole in the living room. so we go to",
"canadian tire and get some plaster and shit and",
"fix the wall, touch up the workbench, bring the",
"car in for a replacement window and eventually",
"replace the garage door.",
"all in all, it cost me around $900 (kevin paid",
"half) and probably reduced my lifespan a couple",
"years from the stress. also my step-mom didn't",
"talk to me for the better part of 2 weeks.",
"i don't have the pictures of when it happened",
"anymore since it was a couple of years ago, but i",
"do have pictures of what it's like today.",
"[here ya go](http://imgur.com/a/pplko)"
] |
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for a week, and my dad was in toronto for a out of this one. we fail miserably to come up say someone tried stealing the car but fucked up replace the garage door. i don't have the pictures of when it happened
|
3 | 5 | 0.78 | 3 |
this actually happened last night, but i was leaving a grocery store with a friend and both of us were carrying a decent amount of alcohol. right next to my friend's truck were a couple of people standing next to their car, and they were evidently potty training their daughter right there in the parking lot. (when ya gotta go you gotta go.) i thought it was a little weird, so i just gave my friend a look and we started putting the beer in the back of his truck.
now, he's a rather outgoing individual, so he was joking with the family in a lighthearted way to let it be known that we weren't being judgemental. i walked to the other side of the car as he's struggling to close the trunk. i heard him say, "you can do it." and, thinking he was talking to himself about the trunk, without missing a beat, i said, "we can help!" my face probably turned what as a sheet when i realized that he was referring to the little girl potty training. i babbled some stuff in reference to the trunk but failed to make it obvious that i was using the slogan from home depot. we got in the car and i quickly explained what he had missed, fumbling with words, and commanded him to make a hasty exit lest the parents run into the store, buy pitchforks, and chase after the jokester and the presumed-creepy-pedophile-murderer guy.
|
accidentally told a little girl i would help her potty train by responding to my friend with the home depot slogan.
|
remembering a slogan at the wrong time
|
[
"this actually happened last night, but i was",
"leaving a grocery store with a friend and both of",
"us were carrying a decent amount of alcohol.",
"right next to my friend's truck were a couple of",
"people standing next to their car, and they were",
"evidently potty training their daughter right",
"there in the parking lot. (when ya gotta go you",
"gotta go.) i thought it was a little weird, so i",
"just gave my friend a look and we started putting",
"the beer in the back of his truck.",
"now, he's a rather outgoing individual, so he was",
"joking with the family in a lighthearted way to",
"let it be known that we weren't being",
"judgemental. i walked to the other side of the",
"car as he's struggling to close the trunk. i",
"heard him say, \"you can do it.\" and, thinking he",
"was talking to himself about the trunk, without",
"missing a beat, i said, \"we can help!\" my face",
"probably turned what as a sheet when i realized",
"that he was referring to the little girl potty",
"training. i babbled some stuff in reference to",
"the trunk but failed to make it obvious that i",
"was using the slogan from home depot. we got in",
"the car and i quickly explained what he had",
"missed, fumbling with words, and commanded him to",
"make a hasty exit lest the parents run into the",
"store, buy pitchforks, and chase after the",
"jokester and the",
"presumed-creepy-pedophile-murderer guy."
] |
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just gave my friend a look and we started putting that he was referring to the little girl potty was using the slogan from home depot. we got in
|
5 | 5 | 0.73 | 5 |
as everyone else this did not happen today, but about 8 years ago.
i was a freshman in college, studying civil engineering (so i'm not the best at writing). i was taking a class where i had to write a research paper. (i don't remember the details of the project). anyways, i finish the paper and send it to my dad to review, since he's good at writing. he calls me the next day and asked me if i plagiarized and of course i said no. well he told me, unless i somehow grew up in england, americans spell the word color (not colour).
|
americans english spells color and british english spells colour
|
not knowing that there are some words spelled differently between american english and british english.
|
[
"as everyone else this did not happen today, but",
"about 8 years ago.",
"i was a freshman in college, studying civil",
"engineering (so i'm not the best at writing). i",
"was taking a class where i had to write a",
"research paper. (i don't remember the details of",
"the project). anyways, i finish the paper and",
"send it to my dad to review, since he's good at",
"writing. he calls me the next day and asked me",
"if i plagiarized and of course i said no. well",
"he told me, unless i somehow grew up in england,",
"americans spell the word color (not colour)."
] |
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americans spell the word color (not colour).
|
110 | 14 | 0.92 | 110 |
so i was pestered into getting a cat for the kids as an early christmas present by my so. we picked up the thing a couple of days ago and, despite my best efforts, i quite like it.
anyway, i've been lecturing my girls, 3 and 8, about how to look after the cat and what to do around the house. make sure you close doors, clean out the litter tray and other things including making sure to explain that the toilet seat should always be put down.
last night i woke up for a piss, crept past my little girl's room and went to the toilet. i didn't flush so as not to wake her up and in my daze i left the seat up.
a few hours later i woke up to psychotic meowing and a piss soaked kitten running around the house.
|
soaked my new kitten in piss, not the best way to be drowning in pussy.
|
not putting the seat down.
|
[
"so i was pestered into getting a cat for the kids",
"as an early christmas present by my so. we picked",
"up the thing a couple of days ago and, despite my",
"best efforts, i quite like it.",
"anyway, i've been lecturing my girls, 3 and 8,",
"about how to look after the cat and what to do",
"around the house. make sure you close doors,",
"clean out the litter tray and other things",
"including making sure to explain that the toilet",
"seat should always be put down.",
"last night i woke up for a piss, crept past my",
"little girl's room and went to the toilet. i",
"didn't flush so as not to wake her up and in my",
"daze i left the seat up.",
"a few hours later i woke up to psychotic meowing",
"and a piss soaked kitten running around the",
"house."
] |
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didn't flush so as not to wake her up and in my and a piss soaked kitten running around the
|
0 | 18 | 0.25 | 0 |
let me start off by saying that this was over the course of 2 years and this is going to be very long, so my apologies. all names are changed for privacy reasons
this starts off 2 years ago; sophomore year of hs. i was sitting with my whole friend group for the first and only time (first because it's rare to be able to sit with all of your friends at once at my school; they like to mix everyone up into 3 lunches..) and there was this girl who i'd like to name 'linda'. she was friends with only one person at the table - 'sam'. and sam usually ignored her along with everyone else leaving me to talk to linda, which was no problem because i'm a super nice person! so we talk and stuff and we have similar interests so that was a plus. kind of clingy and talkative to my surprise as she had no friends and freely talked about super personal stuff, but that didn't worry me. i didn't care either way. my other friends had told me to watch out because she, according to them, let me put this nicely... 'was assertive with her negative tendencies'. that's how i'd word it. i just kinda put that and their feels at the back of my head and went on with life. i could kind of see this with her as she complained about middle school-esque stuff, but i just let her vent because sam was her only other 'venting pillow', so-to-speak. she also had a tendency to text you every five seconds 24/7. but whatever.
fast forward like a year... to the summer after junior year. she considered me a 'best friend' for some reason and i felt inclined to feel the same since i had trouble making friends myself, but was extra nice last year. so i just went with it, and we both felt good. but here's where it starts especially; sam would go the extra mile for her regardless because she's super nice to absolutely everyone, and i love that about her. she is the type of friend you want. but linda kept trash talking her and i was getting skeptical to if she was trash talking about me to sam, and she was also bipolar about both of us. so i kept my guard up; and pulled up the advice from my friends. then homecoming came up, and i was just planning on either carpooling with all of them or going by myself like i did every year which was fine with us all, but she wanted a limo. no one wanted nor could pay for one. we all tried to convince her 'no' to the idea. she kept pushing and pushing and i had even tried switching subjects several times to where we could go for the dinner, etc. it was exhausting. so i go and joke, "hey wanna go to mcdonalds for hc?" forgetting that it's one of her faves. i mean, i didn't do it with malicious intent; who the hell would go to mcdonalds for a formal event?!
then we talked some more and she put the homecoming responsibilities on me, and i was in no way ready to handle it (as i was busy with other things) and told her no and went off. and then subsequently went with another friend which was completely fine with everyone.
now that i stood up for myself i'm pretty sure linda is trash talking me to all her friends. yes, she actually has friends.
|
befriended a trash talking bitch and didn't listen to my friends
|
befriending an asshole
|
[
"let me start off by saying that this was over the",
"course of 2 years and this is going to be very",
"long, so my apologies. all names are changed for",
"privacy reasons",
"this starts off 2 years ago; sophomore year of",
"hs. i was sitting with my whole friend group for",
"the first and only time (first because it's rare",
"to be able to sit with all of your friends at",
"once at my school; they like to mix everyone up",
"into 3 lunches..) and there was this girl who i'd",
"like to name 'linda'. she was friends with only",
"one person at the table - 'sam'. and sam usually",
"ignored her along with everyone else leaving me",
"to talk to linda, which was no problem because",
"i'm a super nice person! so we talk and stuff and",
"we have similar interests so that was a plus.",
"kind of clingy and talkative to my surprise as",
"she had no friends and freely talked about super",
"personal stuff, but that didn't worry me. i",
"didn't care either way. my other friends had told",
"me to watch out because she, according to them,",
"let me put this nicely... 'was assertive with her",
"negative tendencies'. that's how i'd word it. i",
"just kinda put that and their feels at the back",
"of my head and went on with life. i could kind of",
"see this with her as she complained about middle",
"school-esque stuff, but i just let her vent",
"because sam was her only other 'venting pillow',",
"so-to-speak. she also had a tendency to text you",
"every five seconds 24/7. but whatever.",
"fast forward like a year... to the summer after",
"junior year. she considered me a 'best friend'",
"for some reason and i felt inclined to feel the",
"same since i had trouble making friends myself,",
"but was extra nice last year. so i just went with",
"it, and we both felt good. but here's where it",
"starts especially; sam would go the extra mile",
"for her regardless because she's super nice to",
"absolutely everyone, and i love that about her.",
"she is the type of friend you want. but linda",
"kept trash talking her and i was getting",
"skeptical to if she was trash talking about me to",
"sam, and she was also bipolar about both of us.",
"so i kept my guard up; and pulled up the advice",
"from my friends. then homecoming came up, and i",
"was just planning on either carpooling with all",
"of them or going by myself like i did every year",
"which was fine with us all, but she wanted a",
"limo. no one wanted nor could pay for one. we all",
"tried to convince her 'no' to the idea. she kept",
"pushing and pushing and i had even tried",
"switching subjects several times to where we",
"could go for the dinner, etc. it was exhausting.",
"so i go and joke, \"hey wanna go to mcdonalds for",
"hc?\" forgetting that it's one of her faves. i",
"mean, i didn't do it with malicious intent; who",
"the hell would go to mcdonalds for a formal",
"event?!",
"then we talked some more and she put the",
"homecoming responsibilities on me, and i was in",
"no way ready to handle it (as i was busy with",
"other things) and told her no and went off. and",
"then subsequently went with another friend which",
"was completely fine with everyone.",
"now that i stood up for myself i'm pretty sure",
"linda is trash talking me to all her friends.",
"yes, she actually has friends."
] |
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kind of clingy and talkative to my surprise as linda is trash talking me to all her friends.
|
452 | 91 | 0.93 | 452 |
this happened this morning.
pretty normal start to the day, get up, get ready and go to work. by the time i get there ~7:45 am i'm still feeling half asleep. so i'm walking into the building a few paces ahead of this girl that i've seen around the office, she's pretty and i'm shy... we've never really talked.
anyway, i get to the door and hold it open for her, she says thank you, and i start to say "no problem" but then the sleepy half of my brain decided i should say "of course" instead. so it sorta came out as "nnnfcourse."
an hour later i got called into the security office... there i find the cute girl, her manager, the head of security and one of her guards, and the site manager. so the managers and head of security bring me into an office and ask me "what the hell were you thinking?!" at this point i'm pretty much just trying to figure out what's going on.
so i asked what they were talking about. apparently the girl thought i said "intercourse!" i guess she was creeped out and told her manager and he kinda blew it up from there. luckily the security people and site manager know me pretty well and it all turned into a bit of a laugh. i still had to apologize to the girl though, but at least we've talked! right?
edit: i hadn't actually thought about this until i told a friend the story, and he asked. but after holding the door open for her, we also rode up in the same elevator (couple other people in there with us) and i remember there was a moment when i glanced over and she was looking at me, and i did one of those our-eyes-locked-so-now-i-need-to-smile-real-quick-so-i-don't-look-like-a-weirdo smiles - a toelsnintsrqsidllaws smile, if you will. then i went back to looking at the elevator buttons while fighting the urge to press all of them...
in hindsight... she may have seen that smile as a don't-walk-to-your-car-alone-later smile. o_o
...also... fixed typos.
|
held the door for a cute girl, sleepy brain combined no problem and of course into something that sounded like 'intercourse.' fun times ensue.
|
holding the door open for a cute girl
|
[
"this happened this morning.",
"pretty normal start to the day, get up, get ready",
"and go to work. by the time i get there ~7:45 am",
"i'm still feeling half asleep. so i'm walking",
"into the building a few paces ahead of this girl",
"that i've seen around the office, she's pretty",
"and i'm shy... we've never really talked.",
"anyway, i get to the door and hold it open for",
"her, she says thank you, and i start to say \"no",
"problem\" but then the sleepy half of my brain",
"decided i should say \"of course\" instead. so it",
"sorta came out as \"nnnfcourse.\"",
"an hour later i got called into the security",
"office... there i find the cute girl, her",
"manager, the head of security and one of her",
"guards, and the site manager. so the managers and",
"head of security bring me into an office and ask",
"me \"what the hell were you thinking?!\" at this",
"point i'm pretty much just trying to figure out",
"what's going on.",
"so i asked what they were talking about.",
"apparently the girl thought i said \"intercourse!\"",
"i guess she was creeped out and told her manager",
"and he kinda blew it up from there. luckily the",
"security people and site manager know me pretty",
"well and it all turned into a bit of a laugh. i",
"still had to apologize to the girl though, but at",
"least we've talked! right?",
"edit: i hadn't actually thought about this until",
"i told a friend the story, and he asked. but",
"after holding the door open for her, we also rode",
"up in the same elevator (couple other people in",
"there with us) and i remember there was a moment",
"when i glanced over and she was looking at me,",
"and i did one of those",
"our-eyes-locked-so-now-i-need-to-smile-real-quick",
"-so-i-don't-look-like-a-weirdo",
"smiles - a toelsnintsrqsidllaws smile, if you",
"will. then i went back to looking at the elevator",
"buttons while fighting the urge to press all of",
"them...",
"in hindsight... she may have seen that smile as a",
"don't-walk-to-your-car-alone-later smile. o_o",
"...also... fixed typos."
] |
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anyway, i get to the door and hold it open for problem" but then the sleepy half of my brain office... there i find the cute girl, her
|
2 | 2 | 0.75 | 2 |
this tifu actually happened like 10 years ago, but since me and my friends still joke about it 'til this day, i guess it's okay to share with ya'll.
so what happened was that i drove up north to spend the holiday at my mothers place that year, and she had gotten me a santa claus-suit for me to use and give out a few presents to her best friends little kids during the day, which i did while also wearing a pillow under my sweater to get that puffy feeling and all in the spirit of christmas.
but later on i remembered that i had gotten a few of my friends a sweet card saying i miss them cause we don't see each other so often except for the holidays usually and jadda jadda jadda. they also all got supercool bottleopener rings for presents but thats not really part of the story. moving on.
since i was still rocking the santa-outfit i figured what better way to deal out these presents then to go myself at night leaving the stuff at their doorstep/mailbox? for the final touch i decided to not use their real names but cool nicknames (one of my friends last name is a famous tree, so his obviously said 'to mr tree' and so on for the others) on the cards and since i was using my mothers station wagon i didn't even need to put a postage-stamp on the cards either. great success!!!
so there i was driving around in my old hometown the day before christmas in full santa-mode, just doing my thing until i reach my last friend for the night, and it's actually pretty dark outside by this time. so this guy used to live with me in the big capitol city before we had to part ways when he decided to go studying instead. therefore his card simply said 'to judas' for the betrayal when moving out. we still love each other and it's no hard feelings about the name.
for some reason i decided while driving to the last house that i should turn off the lights on the car the last 20 meters and just roll the car up front while i get out of the car very stealthy like a real ninja crawling next to the car and to the mailbox then back into the car without being spotted and having them come out say hello or anything and ruin the surprise, since this time someone actually seemed to be home.
i figured that i got this far without being seen so i just released the handbrake and rolled on out backwards from their porch before starting the car and just took off in to the night after that. noticed that someone in his family might have seen me while they're standing inside the kitchen and looking out the window, but didn't really care 'cause i was done for the night and was just so excited to see the smiles on their faces the next day.
so all of my friends are pleasantly surprised and give me a ring or hug when we meet up during the holiday, everyone except one. nobody has seen or heard anything from judas in a few days and i was still waiting for a little thank you or just some kind of acknowledgement from him. so i waited and waited until like 2-3 days before new years eve, where there's an anual hockey game between our town and the rival town where ususally everone ends up meeting.
there he was in all his glory. by glory i mean more like a ghost. he just stood there not even watching the game and had his mind somewhere else. he and his whole family was apperantly going to australia to spend the new years over there with some relatives. by the time it was half-time during the game, i approach him and ask if he's forgotten something. he looks straight through me and says nothing.
so i keep giving him hints and warming him up, until he stops me and says we gotta go. i'm like what the hell dude? why so ungrateful? but eventually i agree to tag along to his house and meet the whole family for some reason who's still packing for their big trip to the land down under, but first to stockholm airport of course.
**this is where it gets fucked up.**
my friend never woke up and got the mail on christmas (dunno what i was expecting of him since the postman doesn't come that day either), he sleept in until afternoon after gaming all night apperantly. so his mother got up and went to get the mail (she was also the one standing in the window last night when i was playing ninja-santa) and when she saw the postcard marked "to judas", she totally freaked out, shitting her pants and called the cops without even opening it.
the thing is that she works as a socialworker that deals with kids that can't no longer stay with their parents because of abuse and stuff like that. apperantly she had a terrible case that year where one of her kids that she oversees at work, isn't allowed to see their father anytime soon, and he actually also likes to send her postcards (not as positive and cute ones as mine was), addressed with just 'to judas' on them.
she thought it was him dressed as santa the other night and the only two cops in our town called chip & dale (sorry, don't really remember their real names now) immediately made the assumption it was him also because; *what kind of sick bastard doesn't use a post-stamp?* also the fact that i wrote that "i miss you and hope too see you soon" to my friend didn't play well with the fact that the family where travelling down south to stockholm airport to fly over the holiday. they send my letter straight to evidence without even showing it to my friend who would have realized it was all me and my kind of humour.
halfway to his house, sitting in my friends car thinking what the fuck are we going to his place for when the game is still on? we have a moment where i gaze into his eyes kinda and then it hits me that maybe i've literallly done the biggest boo-boo in my whole life apperantly and had to apologize asap to his family.
i enter their house and the whole big family is just sitting there in the living room, not saying a word. like there's a war going on outside and they're losing. losing so hard that they're just moments away from cancelling the whole trip. my friend forces me to go in and make a big speech, even though he knows i'm not a good speaker. i tell them a really funny story, kinda like the one i've just been telling and it takes them a while to process it before they all just come back to life from the dead. the joy in the room, oooh i would say it was kinda like witnessing a christmas miracle.
my friend and his mother hurry and call the police to withdraw their file of complaint to the boogeyman, that they thought have sent the postcard and explaining again what i had just told them, that it was just silly little me. they manage to withdraw it in time before it reaching the mad man and pissing him off for real when he actually was innocent in this case. nobody wanna know what would have happened then so everytime anyone tries to joke around with me nowadays, i tell them to watch out or they might just get a special christmas card this year lol.
for those who wonder, they all actually thought it was funny as hell in perspective, just very *very* bad timing of it all. well almost everyone except the cops ofc.
|
;** dressed up as santa while delivering personal christmas cards to my friends the day before, but one of them never gets it. instead his mother does, thinking its a crazy guy from her work, and everything escalates very quickly when they call the cops. this is just days before their family trip to aussie over the holiday to spend new years, almost cancelling the whole thing until they found out it was just me.
|
dressing up as santa and dealing out presents the day before christmas to my friends.
|
[
"this tifu actually happened like 10 years ago, but",
"since me and my friends still joke about it 'til",
"this day, i guess it's okay to share with ya'll.",
"so what happened was that i drove up north to",
"spend the holiday at my mothers place that year,",
"and she had gotten me a santa claus-suit for me",
"to use and give out a few presents to her best",
"friends little kids during the day, which i did",
"while also wearing a pillow under my sweater to",
"get that puffy feeling and all in the spirit of",
"christmas.",
"but later on i remembered that i had gotten a few",
"of my friends a sweet card saying i miss them",
"cause we don't see each other so often except for",
"the holidays usually and jadda jadda jadda. they",
"also all got supercool bottleopener rings for",
"presents but thats not really part of the story.",
"moving on.",
"since i was still rocking the santa-outfit i",
"figured what better way to deal out these",
"presents then to go myself at night leaving the",
"stuff at their doorstep/mailbox? for the final",
"touch i decided to not use their real names but",
"cool nicknames (one of my friends last name is a",
"famous tree, so his obviously said 'to mr tree'",
"and so on for the others) on the cards and since",
"i was using my mothers station wagon i didn't",
"even need to put a postage-stamp on the cards",
"either. great success!!!",
"so there i was driving around in my old hometown",
"the day before christmas in full santa-mode, just",
"doing my thing until i reach my last friend for",
"the night, and it's actually pretty dark outside",
"by this time. so this guy used to live with me in",
"the big capitol city before we had to part ways",
"when he decided to go studying instead. therefore",
"his card simply said 'to judas' for the betrayal",
"when moving out. we still love each other and",
"it's no hard feelings about the name.",
"for some reason i decided while driving to the",
"last house that i should turn off the lights on",
"the car the last 20 meters and just roll the car",
"up front while i get out of the car very stealthy",
"like a real ninja crawling next to the car and to",
"the mailbox then back into the car without being",
"spotted and having them come out say hello or",
"anything and ruin the surprise, since this time",
"someone actually seemed to be home.",
"i figured that i got this far without being seen",
"so i just released the handbrake and rolled on",
"out backwards from their porch before starting",
"the car and just took off in to the night after",
"that. noticed that someone in his family might",
"have seen me while they're standing inside the",
"kitchen and looking out the window, but didn't",
"really care 'cause i was done for the night and",
"was just so excited to see the smiles on their",
"faces the next day.",
"so all of my friends are pleasantly surprised and",
"give me a ring or hug when we meet up during the",
"holiday, everyone except one. nobody has seen or",
"heard anything from judas in a few days and i was",
"still waiting for a little thank you or just some",
"kind of acknowledgement from him. so i waited and",
"waited until like 2-3 days before new years eve,",
"where there's an anual hockey game between our",
"town and the rival town where ususally everone",
"ends up meeting.",
"there he was in all his glory. by glory i mean",
"more like a ghost. he just stood there not even",
"watching the game and had his mind somewhere",
"else. he and his whole family was apperantly",
"going to australia to spend the new years over",
"there with some relatives. by the time it was",
"half-time during the game, i approach him and ask",
"if he's forgotten something. he looks straight",
"through me and says nothing.",
"so i keep giving him hints and warming him up,",
"until he stops me and says we gotta go. i'm like",
"what the hell dude? why so ungrateful? but",
"eventually i agree to tag along to his house and",
"meet the whole family for some reason who's still",
"packing for their big trip to the land down",
"under, but first to stockholm airport of course.",
"**this is where it gets fucked up.**",
"my friend never woke up and got the mail on",
"christmas (dunno what i was expecting of him",
"since the postman doesn't come that day either),",
"he sleept in until afternoon after gaming all",
"night apperantly. so his mother got up and went",
"to get the mail (she was also the one standing in",
"the window last night when i was playing",
"ninja-santa) and when she saw the postcard marked",
"\"to judas\", she totally freaked out, shitting her",
"pants and called the cops without even opening",
"it.",
"the thing is that she works as a socialworker",
"that deals with kids that can't no longer stay",
"with their parents because of abuse and stuff",
"like that. apperantly she had a terrible case",
"that year where one of her kids that she oversees",
"at work, isn't allowed to see their father",
"anytime soon, and he actually also likes to send",
"her postcards (not as positive and cute ones as",
"mine was), addressed with just 'to judas' on",
"them.",
"she thought it was him dressed as santa the other",
"night and the only two cops in our town called",
"chip & dale (sorry, don't really remember their",
"real names now) immediately made the assumption",
"it was him also because; *what kind of sick",
"bastard doesn't use a post-stamp?* also the fact",
"that i wrote that \"i miss you and hope too see",
"you soon\" to my friend didn't play well with the",
"fact that the family where travelling down south",
"to stockholm airport to fly over the holiday.",
"they send my letter straight to evidence without",
"even showing it to my friend who would have",
"realized it was all me and my kind of humour.",
"halfway to his house, sitting in my friends car",
"thinking what the fuck are we going to his place",
"for when the game is still on? we have a moment",
"where i gaze into his eyes kinda and then it hits",
"me that maybe i've literallly done the biggest",
"boo-boo in my whole life apperantly and had to",
"apologize asap to his family.",
"i enter their house and the whole big family is",
"just sitting there in the living room, not saying",
"a word. like there's a war going on outside and",
"they're losing. losing so hard that they're just",
"moments away from cancelling the whole trip. my",
"friend forces me to go in and make a big speech,",
"even though he knows i'm not a good speaker. i",
"tell them a really funny story, kinda like the",
"one i've just been telling and it takes them a",
"while to process it before they all just come",
"back to life from the dead. the joy in the room,",
"oooh i would say it was kinda like witnessing a",
"christmas miracle.",
"my friend and his mother hurry and call the",
"police to withdraw their file of complaint to the",
"boogeyman, that they thought have sent the",
"postcard and explaining again what i had just",
"told them, that it was just silly little me. they",
"manage to withdraw it in time before it reaching",
"the mad man and pissing him off for real when he",
"actually was innocent in this case. nobody wanna",
"know what would have happened then so everytime",
"anyone tries to joke around with me nowadays, i",
"tell them to watch out or they might just get a",
"special christmas card this year lol.",
"for those who wonder, they all actually thought",
"it was funny as hell in perspective, just very",
"*very* bad timing of it all. well almost everyone",
"except the cops ofc."
] |
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cool nicknames (one of my friends last name is a the day before christmas in full santa-mode, just waited until like 2-3 days before new years eve, **this is where it gets fucked up.** she thought it was him dressed as santa the other to stockholm airport to fly over the holiday. moments away from cancelling the whole trip. my my friend and his mother hurry and call the told them, that it was just silly little me. they
|
2 | 2 | 0.75 | 2 |
as normal, it wasn't today but:
i had set up my new gaming rig and turned it on and it worked great for months. it had a gigabyte 960 gpu that when i first assembled it i missed the 2x 6 pin slots in the top of it and just plugged it in. this was salvaged from an old build so i'm not sure exactly on the model name but it was in the 900 series and was below a 970.
a few months later, i check gtav's specs against my pc and it says that it wouldn't work. i was confused from this as i had 16gb of ram, a high end i5 processor with a good motherboard along with the gpu. i consulted my friend who looked at the specs and laughed at me saying that i was running off of integrated graphics.
at first i thought it was a simple job, turn off and unplug the pc and plug in the graphics card.
except the 6 pin connectors had been lost...
i tried everything including buying new connectors but when i finally gave up and just said i'd buy a new graphics card soon anyway which would have the connector i plugged in the pc and it didn't turn on. at all. occasionally there was a flash of light but that was about it. keep in mind at this point i had no idea of the existence of electrostatic wristbands.
months go by as i try everything to get my pc back up and running - by this point i have replaced my (new!) 850w gold power supply with an 1000w gold incase it was the psu but to no avail. however, in this new psu was the right 6 pin connectors which was nice but useless as i couldn't even get the computer to power on anymore.
at this point i narrow it down to the motherboard and cpu. i save up a while and eventually get both. the cpu was from amazon and the motherboard from ebuyer. the cpu arrived on time but i made a huge mistake from ordering from ebuyer. turns out they use the courier service yodel which is to put it simply: crap. i paid almost £10 for next-day delivery and the next day lo-and-behold it wasn't there. so we thought it was because i ordered it late and waited the next day. still hadn't arrived. after the third day and it not appearing i contacted ebuyer support as yodel's website being made by yodel, didn't even state where the package was and hadn't updated since it was ordered. ebuyer support refunded the delivery and tried to contact yodel but i never heard back.
finally, after over 7 days past the original delivery date we got fed up and tracked down the nearest yodel packing station as they had decided to deliver it on the one day that nobody could be home.
that's right. out of the 8 days we were waiting for it - the one day where they tried to order it was the one day someone wasn't in the house for an **hour**. we had a slip that said they would re-deliver it in a few days if not collected (more like a few months) or we could go to our local yodel package center. not where it was. just the local yodel package station.
after we finally get the new parts, the machine is assembled again (this time by a professional) and we plug in the graphics card properly and...
it was dead all along.
only the fans worked but the card was dead.
|
i thought i didn't plug in my graphics card correctly, i ended up spending over £800 to replace my whole computer after it stopped working when i touched it. the graphics card was dead all along.
|
not properly plugging in my graphics card
|
[
"as normal, it wasn't today but:",
"i had set up my new gaming rig and turned it on",
"and it worked great for months. it had a gigabyte",
"960 gpu that when i first assembled it i missed",
"the 2x 6 pin slots in the top of it and just",
"plugged it in. this was salvaged from an old",
"build so i'm not sure exactly on the model name",
"but it was in the 900 series and was below a 970.",
"a few months later, i check gtav's specs against",
"my pc and it says that it wouldn't work. i was",
"confused from this as i had 16gb of ram, a high",
"end i5 processor with a good motherboard along",
"with the gpu. i consulted my friend who looked at",
"the specs and laughed at me saying that i was",
"running off of integrated graphics.",
"at first i thought it was a simple job, turn off",
"and unplug the pc and plug in the graphics card.",
"except the 6 pin connectors had been lost...",
"i tried everything including buying new",
"connectors but when i finally gave up and just",
"said i'd buy a new graphics card soon anyway",
"which would have the connector i plugged in the",
"pc and it didn't turn on. at all. occasionally",
"there was a flash of light but that was about it.",
"keep in mind at this point i had no idea of the",
"existence of electrostatic wristbands.",
"months go by as i try everything to get my pc",
"back up and running - by this point i have",
"replaced my (new!) 850w gold power supply with an",
"1000w gold incase it was the psu but to no avail.",
"however, in this new psu was the right 6 pin",
"connectors which was nice but useless as i",
"couldn't even get the computer to power on",
"anymore.",
"at this point i narrow it down to the motherboard",
"and cpu. i save up a while and eventually get",
"both. the cpu was from amazon and the motherboard",
"from ebuyer. the cpu arrived on time but i made a",
"huge mistake from ordering from ebuyer. turns out",
"they use the courier service yodel which is to",
"put it simply: crap. i paid almost £10 for",
"next-day delivery and the next day lo-and-behold",
"it wasn't there. so we thought it was because i",
"ordered it late and waited the next day. still",
"hadn't arrived. after the third day and it not",
"appearing i contacted ebuyer support as yodel's",
"website being made by yodel, didn't even state",
"where the package was and hadn't updated since it",
"was ordered. ebuyer support refunded the delivery",
"and tried to contact yodel but i never heard",
"back.",
"finally, after over 7 days past the original",
"delivery date we got fed up and tracked down the",
"nearest yodel packing station as they had decided",
"to deliver it on the one day that nobody could be",
"home.",
"that's right. out of the 8 days we were waiting",
"for it - the one day where they tried to order it",
"was the one day someone wasn't in the house for",
"an **hour**. we had a slip that said they would",
"re-deliver it in a few days if not collected",
"(more like a few months) or we could go to our",
"local yodel package center. not where it was.",
"just the local yodel package station.",
"after we finally get the new parts, the machine",
"is assembled again (this time by a professional)",
"and we plug in the graphics card properly and...",
"it was dead all along.",
"only the fans worked but the card was dead."
] |
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connectors but when i finally gave up and just and we plug in the graphics card properly and... it was dead all along.
|
2 | 0 | 1 | 2 |
so, this story actually happened about 5 years ago.
i had just recently gotten married, and my wife and i decided to take a trip to go visit my family across the country. it had been a long time since i'd seen them, and i had a bunch of things i wanted to do so i packed up a ton of my favorite games to come with, including around 8 multiplayer gamecube and wii games, a box of my favorite magic: the gathering decks (valued between $1.5k and $2k), and some other assorted items. this was my first fu of this story, as i needed multiple luggage bags to hold all of that in addition to the regular clothes and toiletries we would be taking. this meant i'd have to check a bag. additionally, this meant that all of my most favorite pass-times would be in the same luggage case at once.
we were poor college students with barely enough scratch to make rent most of the time, so we went with the cheapest travel option, which was a greyhound bus. this was fu #2.
we boarded our first bus and headed out for the first leg of the trip. it traveled across a handful of states, running well into the night before our first transfer. we got out, grabbed our checked bag, and headed for the next bus. my first indication that i was screwing up happened at that time, but i shrugged it off because i was a mix of naive and tired. at both buses during the transfer, despite all claims otherwise on the travel info we'd received, there was nobody checking to make sure baggage went where it was supposed to go. one dude unloaded everything into a pile next to the unloading bus, and anyone could just walk up and grab their bag without needing to confirm it was theirs. then, the next bus was basically just the opposite; riders piled their bags next to the bus as a dude loaded them into the bus.
so, we started the next leg of the journey, which took us to a terminal in colorado. at this point we'd been travelling for more than 24 hours, having come from the east coast, and we both were quite tired. we get off the bus, find the checked bag, drag it over to the pile for the next bus, and then board the bus.
this is fu #3. we didn't visually confirm that the checked bag actually got on the bus, and just left it in a pile at a shady terminal.
then, after yet more travelling, we finally arrived at our destination terminal. we were towards the back of the bus, and made fu #4 by not getting up until we were almost the last people left on board. we exited the bus, and headed for the unloading pile to search for our bag.
our bag was not there.
we waited for the dude to finish unloading the bus, we scoured the entire pile, and watched as everyone else grabbed their bags to make sure none of the bags were ours, but the pile eventually disappeared as everything was claimed, and none of it was ours.
so we went inside to talk to an attendant behind the counter about it, and told him our story. at this point, my family is already there in the terminal waiting for us.
so, being as tired as we were, we didn't want to sit around in the terminal any longer, and since the attendant told us they'd look for it both where we were, as well as in the colorado terminal, we figured everything would be alright. so we left with my family to go have a good holiday and get some rest.
we never got the call about our bag. we went back to the terminal to inquire about our bag, only to be told that nobody had found it, but they'd keep looking.
eventually our vacation ended and we had to return home (again travelling by bus).
so we called greyhound hq when we got home. they told us that they had no such bag reported as missing, but they'd start a search for it, and they gave us a number to hold as a record.
we called them back a week later, using the number to reference our claim. they told us that there was no missing bag associated with the number, but they could start a claim, give us a number, and start the search again.
we repeated this loop every 2 or 3 weeks for the next 3 months until we eventually gave up.
so, at some point between when we boarded in colorado and when we got off the bus at our destination, either someone stole our bag since nobody bothered to actually confirm identities, or greyhound lost our bag in the transfer and never bothered to find it. either way greyhound did nothing to help us get it back.
the contents of the bag would likely be valued at over $3000 today.
|
made a series of fus and lost a $2k collection of cards in a checked luggage bag because i rode greyhound and didn't watch my bag closely enough.
|
taking too much luggage on a cross-country bus trip, and then not keeping a close eye on it.
|
[
"so, this story actually happened about 5 years",
"ago.",
"i had just recently gotten married, and my wife",
"and i decided to take a trip to go visit my",
"family across the country. it had been a long",
"time since i'd seen them, and i had a bunch of",
"things i wanted to do so i packed up a ton of my",
"favorite games to come with, including around 8",
"multiplayer gamecube and wii games, a box of my",
"favorite magic: the gathering decks (valued",
"between $1.5k and $2k), and some other assorted",
"items. this was my first fu of this story, as i",
"needed multiple luggage bags to hold all of that",
"in addition to the regular clothes and toiletries",
"we would be taking. this meant i'd have to check",
"a bag. additionally, this meant that all of my",
"most favorite pass-times would be in the same",
"luggage case at once.",
"we were poor college students with barely enough",
"scratch to make rent most of the time, so we went",
"with the cheapest travel option, which was a",
"greyhound bus. this was fu #2.",
"we boarded our first bus and headed out for the",
"first leg of the trip. it traveled across a",
"handful of states, running well into the night",
"before our first transfer. we got out, grabbed",
"our checked bag, and headed for the next bus. my",
"first indication that i was screwing up happened",
"at that time, but i shrugged it off because i was",
"a mix of naive and tired. at both buses during",
"the transfer, despite all claims otherwise on the",
"travel info we'd received, there was nobody",
"checking to make sure baggage went where it was",
"supposed to go. one dude unloaded everything into",
"a pile next to the unloading bus, and anyone",
"could just walk up and grab their bag without",
"needing to confirm it was theirs. then, the next",
"bus was basically just the opposite; riders piled",
"their bags next to the bus as a dude loaded them",
"into the bus.",
"so, we started the next leg of the journey, which",
"took us to a terminal in colorado. at this point",
"we'd been travelling for more than 24 hours,",
"having come from the east coast, and we both were",
"quite tired. we get off the bus, find the checked",
"bag, drag it over to the pile for the next bus,",
"and then board the bus.",
"this is fu #3. we didn't visually confirm that",
"the checked bag actually got on the bus, and just",
"left it in a pile at a shady terminal.",
"then, after yet more travelling, we finally",
"arrived at our destination terminal. we were",
"towards the back of the bus, and made fu #4 by",
"not getting up until we were almost the last",
"people left on board. we exited the bus, and",
"headed for the unloading pile to search for our",
"bag.",
"our bag was not there.",
"we waited for the dude to finish unloading the",
"bus, we scoured the entire pile, and watched as",
"everyone else grabbed their bags to make sure",
"none of the bags were ours, but the pile",
"eventually disappeared as everything was claimed,",
"and none of it was ours.",
"so we went inside to talk to an attendant behind",
"the counter about it, and told him our story. at",
"this point, my family is already there in the",
"terminal waiting for us.",
"so, being as tired as we were, we didn't want to",
"sit around in the terminal any longer, and since",
"the attendant told us they'd look for it both",
"where we were, as well as in the colorado",
"terminal, we figured everything would be alright.",
"so we left with my family to go have a good",
"holiday and get some rest.",
"we never got the call about our bag. we went back",
"to the terminal to inquire about our bag, only to",
"be told that nobody had found it, but they'd keep",
"looking.",
"eventually our vacation ended and we had to",
"return home (again travelling by bus).",
"so we called greyhound hq when we got home. they",
"told us that they had no such bag reported as",
"missing, but they'd start a search for it, and",
"they gave us a number to hold as a record.",
"we called them back a week later, using the",
"number to reference our claim. they told us that",
"there was no missing bag associated with the",
"number, but they could start a claim, give us a",
"number, and start the search again.",
"we repeated this loop every 2 or 3 weeks for the",
"next 3 months until we eventually gave up.",
"so, at some point between when we boarded in",
"colorado and when we got off the bus at our",
"destination, either someone stole our bag since",
"nobody bothered to actually confirm identities,",
"or greyhound lost our bag in the transfer and",
"never bothered to find it. either way greyhound",
"did nothing to help us get it back.",
"the contents of the bag would likely be valued at",
"over $3000 today."
] |
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a bag. additionally, this meant that all of my at that time, but i shrugged it off because i was or greyhound lost our bag in the transfer and
|
6 | 0 | 0.7 | 6 |
of course this fuck up did not happen today, rather about 4 months ago. so i work in a call center with about ten other folks, most of them older than myself (i’m 27). we are by no means a busy call center, so there is usually a lot of time to talk and bullshit with my coworkers about random things. everyone here is cool, we talk about things are not particularly safe for the workplace but no one really cares. this particular day was about a week after i had found out about a website where you stream just about any movie your little heart could desire. so for the week prior to the fuck up i had basically been bingeing on films. well this day the topic had shifted to movies and actors. well i have a talent, almost savant-like, for remembering movies, actor’s names, and trivial factoids about movies so i was very involved in the conversation. the topic fell on james franco and his body of work in the industry. typical stuff like “spring breakers sucked” and “pineapple express was his best movie” were being discussed. during the course of the conversation the coworker to my right asks if i’ve ever seen franco’s film 127 hours and told me if i haven’t i should. i had not watched this particular film yet, but i was familiar with its premise. if you are not, it is about the real life story of mountain climber aron ralston's remarkable adventure to save himself after a fallen boulder crashes on his arm and traps him in an isolated canyon in utah (yes i just ripped that last sentence directly from imdb). spoiler alert, the way he saves himself is to cut off his own arm that is trapped by the bolder. knowing this i turn to the coworker on my right and exclaim half-jokingly “sure, i’d love to watch a movie about a guy that cuts his arm off!” almost as soon as those words leave my mouth i realize what a huge fuck up i’ve just committed because it’s not the first time i’ve done this, but i’ll explain that in a moment. you see the coworker to my left, an older gentleman who i consider a good friend and confidant, is missing an arm. lost it in some sort of industrial accident when he was around my age. i didn’t even have a chance to breathe before i hear a collective gasp come from all the people in the room. i turn to face the man i just offended and he just looked at me in disgust. it took a little while but eventually we were on good terms again (i’m sure the bar tab i picked up for him when i ran into him at the bar a few days later helped. i think i even drunkenly apologized to him that night too).
as i said earlier it was not first time i’ve done this. to quickly explain. several years ago, my family and i had seen man on fire in theaters. at one point in that movie denzel washington’s character cuts the fingers off a man to get information out of him. the day after i had been sitting in my room playing video games while the exterminator and my parents chatted in the living room. i could hear them call the movie silly when the exterminator asked how it was. i loved that movie and felt the need to defend it. so i yell from my room “that movie was great, he cut the guy’s fingers off!” oops! the exterminator happened to be missing most of his left thumb. he came into my room and stuck his thumb stump in my face and said “think that’s cool kid?” needless to say i was mortified. however i didn’t feel super bad about it because that guy was a dickhead and had been stealing random items from my parents’ house almost every time he came over to spray for bugs.
|
i have twice offended someone missing a part of their body because of movies that depict loosing those body parts and because i have a big mouth that i need to keep shut.
|
talking about some rather violent movies with coworkers.
|
[
"of course this fuck up did not happen today,",
"rather about 4 months ago. so i work in a call",
"center with about ten other folks, most of them",
"older than myself (i’m 27). we are by no means a",
"busy call center, so there is usually a lot of",
"time to talk and bullshit with my coworkers about",
"random things. everyone here is cool, we talk",
"about things are not particularly safe for the",
"workplace but no one really cares. this",
"particular day was about a week after i had found",
"out about a website where you stream just about",
"any movie your little heart could desire. so for",
"the week prior to the fuck up i had basically",
"been bingeing on films. well this day the topic",
"had shifted to movies and actors. well i have a",
"talent, almost savant-like, for remembering",
"movies, actor’s names, and trivial factoids about",
"movies so i was very involved in the",
"conversation. the topic fell on james franco and",
"his body of work in the industry. typical stuff",
"like “spring breakers sucked” and “pineapple",
"express was his best movie” were being discussed.",
"during the course of the conversation the",
"coworker to my right asks if i’ve ever seen",
"franco’s film 127 hours and told me if i haven’t",
"i should. i had not watched this particular film",
"yet, but i was familiar with its premise. if you",
"are not, it is about the real life story of",
"mountain climber aron ralston's remarkable",
"adventure to save himself after a fallen boulder",
"crashes on his arm and traps him in an isolated",
"canyon in utah (yes i just ripped that last",
"sentence directly from imdb). spoiler alert, the",
"way he saves himself is to cut off his own arm",
"that is trapped by the bolder. knowing this i",
"turn to the coworker on my right and exclaim",
"half-jokingly “sure, i’d love to watch a movie",
"about a guy that cuts his arm off!” almost as",
"soon as those words leave my mouth i realize what",
"a huge fuck up i’ve just committed because it’s",
"not the first time i’ve done this, but i’ll",
"explain that in a moment. you see the coworker",
"to my left, an older gentleman who i consider a",
"good friend and confidant, is missing an arm.",
"lost it in some sort of industrial accident when",
"he was around my age. i didn’t even have a",
"chance to breathe before i hear a collective gasp",
"come from all the people in the room. i turn to",
"face the man i just offended and he just looked",
"at me in disgust. it took a little while but",
"eventually we were on good terms again (i’m sure",
"the bar tab i picked up for him when i ran into",
"him at the bar a few days later helped. i think",
"i even drunkenly apologized to him that night",
"too).",
"as i said earlier it was not first time i’ve done",
"this. to quickly explain. several years ago, my",
"family and i had seen man on fire in theaters.",
"at one point in that movie denzel washington’s",
"character cuts the fingers off a man to get",
"information out of him. the day after i had been",
"sitting in my room playing video games while the",
"exterminator and my parents chatted in the living",
"room. i could hear them call the movie silly when",
"the exterminator asked how it was. i loved that",
"movie and felt the need to defend it. so i yell",
"from my room “that movie was great, he cut the",
"guy’s fingers off!” oops! the exterminator",
"happened to be missing most of his left thumb. he",
"came into my room and stuck his thumb stump in my",
"face and said “think that’s cool kid?” needless",
"to say i was mortified. however i didn’t feel",
"super bad about it because that guy was a",
"dickhead and had been stealing random items from",
"my parents’ house almost every time he came over",
"to spray for bugs."
] |
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had shifted to movies and actors. well i have a his body of work in the industry. typical stuff movie and felt the need to defend it. so i yell super bad about it because that guy was a
|
4 | 10 | 0.7 | 4 |
so as a broke college student who decided not to buy toilet paper until i get paid tomorrow, i was doing my best to stretch it out, but i couldnt. i woke up this morning with the immense need to shit, so i proceeded to the chamber of secrets to release the giant snake that had nested itself at the edge of my anus. sitting down with regret, i look over and see the single, thinly folded piece of napkin that i had kept from dennys the night before. i then pushed out 2 log sized pieces of fecal-matter into my toilet, and began my rationing of the napkin like a starving man with his final piece of bread for the week.
unfortunately, i was not able to ration properly, as i was greedy in the beginning, thinking it was going to be a quick finish. and since i did not want to shower to get rid of the residue, i stood up and looked in my cabinet for any other thing that i could use.
q-tips? no, definitely not trying to have my hand slip and end up having to explain that to a doctor.
dental gauze? dental gauze.
so i ran out and grabbed my pocket knife so i could cut it into rations and proceeded to do so. after the first incision, my first thought was "wow, this cuts really well. like super soft cotton (which is exactly what it is)"
i then folded the first piece and began my hand's descent into hell
that first initial wipe, from top to bottom, was like an angel had brushed its wing against my anus. it was the softest, most angelic feeling that i had ever experience from any material while wiping my ass in my entire life. charmin ultra soft? angel soft? nope and nope. nothing could compare to this insanely soft feeling that i had just experienced. so i then pulled my hand from perdition, thinking that no fecal matter had found its way to the gauze, since it was way too soft. boy, was i wrong
it had actually picked up more than any other toilet paper, paper towel, or t-shirt that i had ever used!
so then i transformed into jigsaw and the games began. i started wiping and folding after each one, seeing how many times i could fold it, and have it still be soft as well as a shit magnet. it turns out, dental gauze being as soft as it is, can fold alot and still maintain its texture.
then i came to the closure of my experience, having had a revelation, and then did the final act in my ritual, which is to wet the thing that was doing god's work and cleaning my ass, to catch anything extra back there. that was an even better experience entirely. it was damp yet soft, and i could actually feel myself being cleaned. i got up, flushed, and sealed my leftover package of gauze, and am looking forward to my next chance to use it with anticipation.
|
ran out of toilet paper. wiped my ass with dental gauze. it was the best thing i have ever wiped my ass with. i now refuse to wipe with anything else
|
wiping my ass with dental gauze
|
[
"so as a broke college student who decided not to",
"buy toilet paper until i get paid tomorrow, i was",
"doing my best to stretch it out, but i couldnt. i",
"woke up this morning with the immense need to",
"shit, so i proceeded to the chamber of secrets to",
"release the giant snake that had nested itself at",
"the edge of my anus. sitting down with regret, i",
"look over and see the single, thinly folded piece",
"of napkin that i had kept from dennys the night",
"before. i then pushed out 2 log sized pieces of",
"fecal-matter into my toilet, and began my",
"rationing of the napkin like a starving man with",
"his final piece of bread for the week.",
"unfortunately, i was not able to ration properly,",
"as i was greedy in the beginning, thinking it was",
"going to be a quick finish. and since i did not",
"want to shower to get rid of the residue, i stood",
"up and looked in my cabinet for any other thing",
"that i could use.",
"q-tips? no, definitely not trying to have my hand",
"slip and end up having to explain that to a",
"doctor.",
"dental gauze? dental gauze.",
"so i ran out and grabbed my pocket knife so i",
"could cut it into rations and proceeded to do so.",
"after the first incision, my first thought was",
"\"wow, this cuts really well. like super soft",
"cotton (which is exactly what it is)\"",
"i then folded the first piece and began my hand's",
"descent into hell",
"that first initial wipe, from top to bottom, was",
"like an angel had brushed its wing against my",
"anus. it was the softest, most angelic feeling",
"that i had ever experience from any material",
"while wiping my ass in my entire life. charmin",
"ultra soft? angel soft? nope and nope. nothing",
"could compare to this insanely soft feeling that",
"i had just experienced. so i then pulled my hand",
"from perdition, thinking that no fecal matter had",
"found its way to the gauze, since it was way too",
"soft. boy, was i wrong",
"it had actually picked up more than any other",
"toilet paper, paper towel, or t-shirt that i had",
"ever used!",
"so then i transformed into jigsaw and the games",
"began. i started wiping and folding after each",
"one, seeing how many times i could fold it, and",
"have it still be soft as well as a shit magnet.",
"it turns out, dental gauze being as soft as it",
"is, can fold alot and still maintain its texture.",
"then i came to the closure of my experience,",
"having had a revelation, and then did the final",
"act in my ritual, which is to wet the thing that",
"was doing god's work and cleaning my ass, to",
"catch anything extra back there. that was an even",
"better experience entirely. it was damp yet soft,",
"and i could actually feel myself being cleaned. i",
"got up, flushed, and sealed my leftover package",
"of gauze, and am looking forward to my next",
"chance to use it with anticipation."
] |
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dental gauze? dental gauze. so i ran out and grabbed my pocket knife so i anus. it was the softest, most angelic feeling
|
0 | 13 | 0.5 | 0 |
this takes place yesterday afternoon. sitting in my drive way in her car. we will call her lauren. we had just arrived home from eating out, and lauren decides that she wants to go to victoria secret. i of course after christmas shopping gallor feel that this a bad idea, and pretty much tell her that she spends too much money on frivolous things. screw up number 1. never tell a woman she can't go panty shopping. after some choice words i decide i'll just get out of the car, and take a nap while she shops anyways. screw up 2. don't get out of the car when she is pissed. an hour later i wake up to a text message saying she is on her way to her house 4 hours away. dont call her, she will mail the ring back, and don't try and change her mind. well i've been calling, and trying to change her mind for the past 24 hours to no avail. all ive gotten back from lauren is a text that says she wont talk to me because she knows ill change her mind, and don't drive down to her. i'm sure that this was caused by an accumulation of tifus but today was the straw that broke the camels back. what should i do reddit?
|
i told my fiance she spends too much money. get out of the car and she drives away. no more fiance.
|
telling my fiance she spends too much money
|
[
"this takes place yesterday afternoon. sitting in",
"my drive way in her car. we will call her lauren.",
"we had just arrived home from eating out, and",
"lauren decides that she wants to go to victoria",
"secret. i of course after christmas shopping",
"gallor feel that this a bad idea, and pretty much",
"tell her that she spends too much money on",
"frivolous things. screw up number 1. never tell a",
"woman she can't go panty shopping. after some",
"choice words i decide i'll just get out of the",
"car, and take a nap while she shops anyways.",
"screw up 2. don't get out of the car when she is",
"pissed. an hour later i wake up to a text message",
"saying she is on her way to her house 4 hours",
"away. dont call her, she will mail the ring back,",
"and don't try and change her mind. well i've been",
"calling, and trying to change her mind for the",
"past 24 hours to no avail. all ive gotten back",
"from lauren is a text that says she wont talk to",
"me because she knows ill change her mind, and",
"don't drive down to her. i'm sure that this was",
"caused by an accumulation of tifus but today was",
"the straw that broke the camels back. what should",
"i do reddit?"
] |
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tell her that she spends too much money on screw up 2. don't get out of the car when she is
|
2 | 1 | 0.83 | 2 |
in case you wonder what is trivago, it's a website where you look for a hotel and compares prices from different websites. you already knew it? ok, ok, no problem
exactly 3 days ago, my family were at a hotel where we spent our last night there. but we needed another night, and they said to me that i reserved at other hotel, because there was not available rooms at the hotel we was in. so, i go to trivago.com and look for a hotel. i selected dates, occupants, no smoke, etc. i found a good hotel and then i go redirected to expedia.com for finish.
we were in a hurry and i did the booking as fast as possible, i paid with my card and we go to the new hotel. when we arrived at the new hotel and they said that the reservation was booked for 10-11 january. damnit, i didn't checked in expedia the dates. i pretended it was a mistake and i "fix it" and my family didn't know it.
^^^sorry ^^^for ^^^bad ^^^english
|
: glitch in trivago, booked a hotel for one month after the day we need it.
|
using trivago
|
[
"in case you wonder what is trivago, it's a website",
"where you look for a hotel and compares prices",
"from different websites. you already knew it? ok,",
"ok, no problem",
"exactly 3 days ago, my family were at a hotel",
"where we spent our last night there. but we",
"needed another night, and they said to me that i",
"reserved at other hotel, because there was not",
"available rooms at the hotel we was in. so, i go",
"to trivago.com and look for a hotel. i selected",
"dates, occupants, no smoke, etc. i found a good",
"hotel and then i go redirected to expedia.com for",
"finish.",
"we were in a hurry and i did the booking as fast",
"as possible, i paid with my card and we go to the",
"new hotel. when we arrived at the new hotel and",
"they said that the reservation was booked for",
"10-11 january. damnit, i didn't checked in",
"expedia the dates. i pretended it was a mistake",
"and i \"fix it\" and my family didn't know it.",
"^^^sorry ^^^for ^^^bad ^^^english"
] |
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available rooms at the hotel we was in. so, i go to trivago.com and look for a hotel. i selected
|
10 | 5 | 0.78 | 10 |
this actually happened last christmas.
so i am on my way to work looking forward to finishing out this week because it was pay day. i had worked a ton of ot and almost doubled my check. i have a rather long commute to the city so i get pretty bored. i also have a horrible driving record, even lost my license and insurance due reckless driving that i didn't think was so serious. but at the time i had been a very good driver for the last year. no speeding or tickets.
so i see the cop had pulled over a car on the west bound side(i am traveling east); so i do what any bored person would do. i look over point and literally laughing out loud. i turn my head back forward again and bam all the cars had hit their breaks! i slammed on mine, slid a little bit and then rear ended the car in front of me. i completely trashed my bmw e30. i didnt even have to call the police, he saw it happen and came on over.
so then i had to use all my over time money to buy another e30 parts car and do a front end replacement. also as a result of getting a ticket for "following too closely" i had lost my license again for 60 days. karma is a bitch!
|
laughed at someone who got pulled over. crashed into the cars in front of me
|
laughing at the guy who got pulled over
|
[
"this actually happened last christmas.",
"so i am on my way to work looking forward to",
"finishing out this week because it was pay day. i",
"had worked a ton of ot and almost doubled my",
"check. i have a rather long commute to the city",
"so i get pretty bored. i also have a horrible",
"driving record, even lost my license and",
"insurance due reckless driving that i didn't",
"think was so serious. but at the time i had been",
"a very good driver for the last year. no speeding",
"or tickets.",
"so i see the cop had pulled over a car on the",
"west bound side(i am traveling east); so i do",
"what any bored person would do. i look over point",
"and literally laughing out loud. i turn my head",
"back forward again and bam all the cars had hit",
"their breaks! i slammed on mine, slid a little",
"bit and then rear ended the car in front of me. i",
"completely trashed my bmw e30. i didnt even have",
"to call the police, he saw it happen and came on",
"over.",
"so then i had to use all my over time money to",
"buy another e30 parts car and do a front end",
"replacement. also as a result of getting a ticket",
"for \"following too closely\" i had lost my license",
"again for 60 days. karma is a bitch!"
] |
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bit and then rear ended the car in front of me. i over.
|
5 | 4 | 0.89 | 5 |
long time lurker, first time poster. inspired by a couple of the other's on here. this happened around 18 months ago, when i was taking my as level exams.
so, my name is a bit of an unusual irish name roisin, which is the way i've always known it. i had 5 exams to take after my first year at college (uk), and was nervous as hell for them. studied like mad, cramming right up until i was walking into the exam hall. the examiner did the usual 'write down your name, exam no, etc' at the beginning and i calmed down. as i was checking the label on my desk to find my exam number, i noticed my name was spelt 'roshean' rather than 'roisin', but thought nothing of it, it was probably a clerical error. by the time i'd finished my first exam i was feeling very calm and pretty positive about it all, albeit at a bit confused about the whole name thing, but forgot about it and commenced studying for the next exam.
in my second exam, i noticed the same thing again, but whatever, figured it was just because my name was a bit weird. they must have just been spelling it phonetically or something. but then i noticed it again, and in every other exam i took that year. after exam season was over and i was free for the summer, was talking to my parents and mentioned that i thought it was funny how my college couldn't even spell my name. they shared an uneasy look, and my mum said to me 'why, how were they spelling it?' so i told her and to my horror she told me that my college were infact correct, my name is spelt 'roshean', and not the traditional 'roisin'.
now, because i had already completed and submitted all my exams, this meant i had to call up each examining office, give them my centre number and my exam number and request a name change on each individual exam, otherwise all of them would be void and for someone who doesn't exist.
i asked my parents why they had decided to spell my name so ridiculously, and it turns out that my dad (who's the english born parent) didn't know how to spell roshean, and was the one tasked with registering me and my name after i was born. after he told my mum (who's irish), they decided it would just be easier to keep it that way so my english family wouldn't have any difficulties with it - which they never have, and have always spelt my way.
i know this is a pretty dull story, but felt like sharing it.
|
my dad can't spell my name causing me to sit 5 exams for someone who doesn't exist.
|
misspelling my name
|
[
"long time lurker, first time poster. inspired by a",
"couple of the other's on here. this happened",
"around 18 months ago, when i was taking my as",
"level exams.",
"so, my name is a bit of an unusual irish name",
"roisin, which is the way i've always known it. i",
"had 5 exams to take after my first year at",
"college (uk), and was nervous as hell for them.",
"studied like mad, cramming right up until i was",
"walking into the exam hall. the examiner did the",
"usual 'write down your name, exam no, etc' at the",
"beginning and i calmed down. as i was checking",
"the label on my desk to find my exam number, i",
"noticed my name was spelt 'roshean' rather than",
"'roisin', but thought nothing of it, it was",
"probably a clerical error. by the time i'd",
"finished my first exam i was feeling very calm",
"and pretty positive about it all, albeit at a bit",
"confused about the whole name thing, but forgot",
"about it and commenced studying for the next",
"exam.",
"in my second exam, i noticed the same thing",
"again, but whatever, figured it was just because",
"my name was a bit weird. they must have just been",
"spelling it phonetically or something. but then i",
"noticed it again, and in every other exam i took",
"that year. after exam season was over and i was",
"free for the summer, was talking to my parents",
"and mentioned that i thought it was funny how my",
"college couldn't even spell my name. they shared",
"an uneasy look, and my mum said to me 'why, how",
"were they spelling it?' so i told her and to my",
"horror she told me that my college were infact",
"correct, my name is spelt 'roshean', and not the",
"traditional 'roisin'.",
"now, because i had already completed and",
"submitted all my exams, this meant i had to call",
"up each examining office, give them my centre",
"number and my exam number and request a name",
"change on each individual exam, otherwise all of",
"them would be void and for someone who doesn't",
"exist.",
"i asked my parents why they had decided to spell",
"my name so ridiculously, and it turns out that my",
"dad (who's the english born parent) didn't know",
"how to spell roshean, and was the one tasked with",
"registering me and my name after i was born.",
"after he told my mum (who's irish), they decided",
"it would just be easier to keep it that way so my",
"english family wouldn't have any difficulties",
"with it - which they never have, and have always",
"spelt my way.",
"i know this is a pretty dull story, but felt like",
"sharing it."
] |
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college couldn't even spell my name. they shared them would be void and for someone who doesn't
|
2 | 3 | 0.67 | 2 |
throwaway because my friend goes on reddit.
so a few months ago im at my friends house and let me just preface this by saying that he is pretty rich, his living room is about as big as my entire house and his mother is a real-estate agent.
so we're there and i make a cheeky comment about how my mom has had some trouble making rent at some points being a single mother and such and raising me and my little brother. mostly it was a joke, i said it after seeing their built in hot-tub/shower and was kind of trying to comment on how different out life's were.
anyways a few minutes later she pulls me into the next room and asks me if everything is alright at home, to which i reply "yeah fine everythings fine" she said thats good and i left thinking nothing of it
well today she shows up at my door and hands me an envelope and says "its no big deal but i dont want your mom to worry this christmas" she tells me to give it to my mom and leaves.
so i open it and find 300$
now look i live in a suburb of detroit so 300$ is quite a lot of money to people aorund here, when my friend's family did live around here they were easily some of the richest people in town.
so what should i do reddit? we dont need the 300$ but its certainly nice. should i give it back? tell her the truth? id love to hear your opinions'
**
|
made a stupid joke and accidentally convinced my friends mother we were struggling, now i have no idea what to do**
|
accidentally convincing my rich friends mother we were poor and receiving a large amount of cash from her
|
[
"throwaway because my friend goes on reddit.",
"so a few months ago im at my friends house and",
"let me just preface this by saying that he is",
"pretty rich, his living room is about as big as",
"my entire house and his mother is a real-estate",
"agent.",
"so we're there and i make a cheeky comment about",
"how my mom has had some trouble making rent at",
"some points being a single mother and such and",
"raising me and my little brother. mostly it was a",
"joke, i said it after seeing their built in",
"hot-tub/shower and was kind of trying to comment",
"on how different out life's were.",
"anyways a few minutes later she pulls me into the",
"next room and asks me if everything is alright at",
"home, to which i reply \"yeah fine everythings",
"fine\" she said thats good and i left thinking",
"nothing of it",
"well today she shows up at my door and hands me",
"an envelope and says \"its no big deal but i dont",
"want your mom to worry this christmas\" she tells",
"me to give it to my mom and leaves.",
"so i open it and find 300$",
"now look i live in a suburb of detroit so 300$ is",
"quite a lot of money to people aorund here, when",
"my friend's family did live around here they were",
"easily some of the richest people in town.",
"so what should i do reddit? we dont need the 300$",
"but its certainly nice. should i give it back?",
"tell her the truth? id love to hear your",
"opinions'",
"**"
] |
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my entire house and his mother is a real-estate my friend's family did live around here they were so what should i do reddit? we dont need the 300$
|
2 | 4 | 0.75 | 2 |
this actually happened today this morning.
today my girlfriend started a new job and had to be there at 8:00 am. she doesn't have a car so i had to wake up early to take her there. i guess i was snoring really loud last night and she couldn't get to sleep so she woke up really grumpy. while she was getting ready she kept complaining about how she couldn't get any sleep because of my snoring. she proceeds to put on a pair of pants that her sister gave her that were a size too small. she is in no means fat at all, she's a tiny woman, it's just her sister is smaller. as she's shimmying into these pants, and bitching, a loud *riiiip* occurs and she gasps. i lost it. memories of watching the ripped your pants episode of spongebob start racing through my brain and i can't stop laughing. she gets even more pissed because she thinks i'm laughing at her for being "fat." as i'm taking her to work i don't hear the end of it and i still can't stop laughing. when we get there she's even more upset that i never said sorry and i kept laughing. she hasn't texted me since and i have to pick her up at 2. i hope she can laugh about it later!
|
my gf was the fool who went and ripped her pants.
|
laughing at my girlfriend
|
[
"this actually happened today this morning.",
"today my girlfriend started a new job and had to",
"be there at 8:00 am. she doesn't have a car so i",
"had to wake up early to take her there. i guess i",
"was snoring really loud last night and she",
"couldn't get to sleep so she woke up really",
"grumpy. while she was getting ready she kept",
"complaining about how she couldn't get any sleep",
"because of my snoring. she proceeds to put on a",
"pair of pants that her sister gave her that were",
"a size too small. she is in no means fat at all,",
"she's a tiny woman, it's just her sister is",
"smaller. as she's shimmying into these pants, and",
"bitching, a loud *riiiip* occurs and she gasps. i",
"lost it. memories of watching the ripped your",
"pants episode of spongebob start racing through",
"my brain and i can't stop laughing. she gets even",
"more pissed because she thinks i'm laughing at",
"her for being \"fat.\" as i'm taking her to work i",
"don't hear the end of it and i still can't stop",
"laughing. when we get there she's even more upset",
"that i never said sorry and i kept laughing. she",
"hasn't texted me since and i have to pick her up",
"at 2. i hope she can laugh about it later!"
] |
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was snoring really loud last night and she
|
0 | 1 | 0.5 | 0 |
obligatory time reference: this happened last night, within the past 24 hours.
so i have been walking through a divorce, moving to a different city, custody issue, financial problems, and job change. it all came to a head the other day and i had a panic attack while driving on the highway. i had to pull over on the interstate because i thought i was going to pass out or wreck. i didn't really realize at the time that it was a panic attack, but after i returned to my office i just broke down crying. there is so much context to add to this, but essentially my family responded by saying "yeah, we figured this would happen soon. we're not sure why it hasn't happened already. crapscab, you've been going through some shit."
so like any educated recently divorced 29 year old would do in that situation, i called my mom to see if she would come stay with me for a couple days before the holidays. she lives pretty far away, and the travel wasn't easy, but she showed up yesterday and it was helpful. she worked at my office while i worked. we went home and did some packing for the move after work. and i told her i wanted to do a stand up poetry/slam poetry open mic. i have done this once before and it was about 6 months ago. i love being on stage and the process is extremely therapeutic for me.
so we arrive at the open mic event and it is immediately clear that we will be two of only four white people in a crowd of about 60. we were both prepared for this, but then something happened. see, my mom was enjoying the music, talking with people, buying things from the store there, and the organizer of the event approached her and asked her to be one of the judges for the slam competition. the slam competition is distinct from the open mic portion because slam performers receive scores from judges. my mom reminded the promoter that i, her son, was in the competition, but the promoter insisted and told her that her perspective is valuable because the judges at the higher-level competitions will also be diverse.
so the slam begins. there are slams about lost love, cooking, etc. but 90% fit in to one of these categories: 1) the struggle of the black people; 2) the disconnect of the white person; 3) racism. these are grossly simplified categories, but one of the criteria the judges were asked to rate the performers on was the connection/feeling from the performer.
so, even though i was going on stage to spill my guts about my junkie dad who turned his life around, died when i was 14, but only after telling me he was going to get a divorce, and who i too am getting a divorce and am working through how to tell my son who is much younger than i was at the time; a message and body of text the made me weep when i wrote and cry on stage last night. even though i was going through that publicly, my mom had it because she, the middle aged white lady whose son was performing had to score the other performers and connect to their message of struggle.
(***not and edit - this version of the story is grossly over simple. i am trying to highlight the irony/discomfort my mother experienced because of my invitation to the event. we both had an awesome time last night and were absolutely welcomed by everyone there. there wasn't any actual conflict whatsoever. but i'll admit it did feel extremely uncomfortable to hear someone spills their guts out about oppression, missed opportunity, and struggle at the hands of institutionalized racism....while my mother and i are sitting front and center. i'd rather be on stage crying than worrying about holding up a score card after each performer. 10/10, will do again).
|
took my white, middle aged mom to slam poetry competition and she was asked to judge about 15 performers (93.3333333% black/hispanic), and their topics were mostly on the ethnic struggle.
|
competing in a slam poetry competition
|
[
"obligatory time reference: this happened last",
"night, within the past 24 hours.",
"so i have been walking through a divorce, moving",
"to a different city, custody issue, financial",
"problems, and job change. it all came to a head",
"the other day and i had a panic attack while",
"driving on the highway. i had to pull over on the",
"interstate because i thought i was going to pass",
"out or wreck. i didn't really realize at the time",
"that it was a panic attack, but after i returned",
"to my office i just broke down crying. there is",
"so much context to add to this, but essentially",
"my family responded by saying \"yeah, we figured",
"this would happen soon. we're not sure why it",
"hasn't happened already. crapscab, you've been",
"going through some shit.\"",
"so like any educated recently divorced 29 year",
"old would do in that situation, i called my mom",
"to see if she would come stay with me for a",
"couple days before the holidays. she lives pretty",
"far away, and the travel wasn't easy, but she",
"showed up yesterday and it was helpful. she",
"worked at my office while i worked. we went home",
"and did some packing for the move after work. and",
"i told her i wanted to do a stand up poetry/slam",
"poetry open mic. i have done this once before and",
"it was about 6 months ago. i love being on stage",
"and the process is extremely therapeutic for me.",
"so we arrive at the open mic event and it is",
"immediately clear that we will be two of only",
"four white people in a crowd of about 60. we were",
"both prepared for this, but then something",
"happened. see, my mom was enjoying the music,",
"talking with people, buying things from the store",
"there, and the organizer of the event approached",
"her and asked her to be one of the judges for the",
"slam competition. the slam competition is",
"distinct from the open mic portion because slam",
"performers receive scores from judges. my mom",
"reminded the promoter that i, her son, was in the",
"competition, but the promoter insisted and told",
"her that her perspective is valuable because the",
"judges at the higher-level competitions will also",
"be diverse.",
"so the slam begins. there are slams about lost",
"love, cooking, etc. but 90% fit in to one of",
"these categories: 1) the struggle of the black",
"people; 2) the disconnect of the white person; 3)",
"racism. these are grossly simplified categories,",
"but one of the criteria the judges were asked to",
"rate the performers on was the connection/feeling",
"from the performer.",
"so, even though i was going on stage to spill my",
"guts about my junkie dad who turned his life",
"around, died when i was 14, but only after",
"telling me he was going to get a divorce, and who",
"i too am getting a divorce and am working through",
"how to tell my son who is much younger than i was",
"at the time; a message and body of text the made",
"me weep when i wrote and cry on stage last night.",
"even though i was going through that publicly, my",
"mom had it because she, the middle aged white",
"lady whose son was performing had to score the",
"other performers and connect to their message of",
"struggle.",
"(***not and edit - this version of the story is",
"grossly over simple. i am trying to highlight the",
"irony/discomfort my mother experienced because of",
"my invitation to the event. we both had an",
"awesome time last night and were absolutely",
"welcomed by everyone there. there wasn't any",
"actual conflict whatsoever. but i'll admit it did",
"feel extremely uncomfortable to hear someone",
"spills their guts out about oppression, missed",
"opportunity, and struggle at the hands of",
"institutionalized racism....while my mother and i",
"are sitting front and center. i'd rather be on",
"stage crying than worrying about holding up a",
"score card after each performer. 10/10, will do",
"again)."
] |
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slam competition. the slam competition is but one of the criteria the judges were asked to rate the performers on was the connection/feeling mom had it because she, the middle aged white
|
0 | 2 | 0.33 | 0 |
hey reddit, today i was just texting her but she was not responding properly. after some time i cried the wolf and asked her to call me asap. she just said "what's up?" instead of calling me. i asked her what she was doing over text, she said she was talking to other people over phone, i thought she wanted me to feel bad by showing less interest in me. so i tried to show that i was angry and said "good night" very early. usually we chat till 1:30-2 in the morning, i was expected her and understand that i'm angry and say sorry. instead she said "good night, take care".
i got angry and hit the floor with my fist. didn't realize that i had my phone in my hand lol. i broke the screen :(. my xperia z1 is broken now x'(. she's fine now. duh, i over acted.
|
i broke my phone's screen getting angry at my crush.
|
expressing my anger.
|
[
"hey reddit, today i was just texting her but she",
"was not responding properly. after some time i",
"cried the wolf and asked her to call me asap. she",
"just said \"what's up?\" instead of calling me. i",
"asked her what she was doing over text, she said",
"she was talking to other people over phone, i",
"thought she wanted me to feel bad by showing less",
"interest in me. so i tried to show that i was",
"angry and said \"good night\" very early. usually",
"we chat till 1:30-2 in the morning, i was",
"expected her and understand that i'm angry and",
"say sorry. instead she said \"good night, take",
"care\".",
"i got angry and hit the floor with my fist.",
"didn't realize that i had my phone in my hand",
"lol. i broke the screen :(. my xperia z1 is",
"broken now x'(. she's fine now. duh, i over",
"acted."
] |
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lol. i broke the screen :(. my xperia z1 is
|
3 | 4 | 0.83 | 3 |
obligatory: this actually happened last night, not today, but close enough.
some backstory: i have to awesome little dogs who really are pretty chill and don't actually do much of anything or really get into any kind of trouble, yes, i'm lucky as hell. i also do dog-sitting for a little extra money on the side, and have been watching an awesome boxer mix for the past few days. he's a little bit more trouble, but really not all that much of it. he just likes to think he's a big lap-dog for the most part.
now for the f.u. last night i was feeling like being a bit more cleanly around the house, but i was feeling the mighty pull of thirst and i had just bought myself some raspberry ginger ale (my favorite!), so i poured myself a generous glass and had a few swigs. i wasn't ready to drain it all in a few gulps, so i put the glass down next to my couch on an end table, and went to go start cleaning my bathroom. i was swiffering and dusting and scrubbing away when the thirst came back to me, so being of sound mind, my thoughts immediately turned to that glass of delicious i had left on the end table. i walk over to it, and it seemed... off, somehow. i couldn't put my finger exactly on what was wrong with it. that moisture on the outside is just condensation, right? i thought i hadn't drunk that much, but i was thirsty, wasn't i? that big ol boxer on the couch is just looking at me, he doesn't look guilty does he?
oh, but he was.
i took a big healthy swig of soda, and felt a hunk of slobber coat the back of my throat and ease its way into my stomach in some sort of perverse slow-motion that i couldn't control, and immediately ran to the sink and dry-heaved for the next 15 minutes.
|
don't leave glasses in places that are accessible to dogs, or you might get to drink slobber too.
|
cleaning my bathroom
|
[
"obligatory: this actually happened last night, not",
"today, but close enough.",
"some backstory: i have to awesome little dogs who",
"really are pretty chill and don't actually do",
"much of anything or really get into any kind of",
"trouble, yes, i'm lucky as hell. i also do",
"dog-sitting for a little extra money on the side,",
"and have been watching an awesome boxer mix for",
"the past few days. he's a little bit more",
"trouble, but really not all that much of it. he",
"just likes to think he's a big lap-dog for the",
"most part.",
"now for the f.u. last night i was feeling like",
"being a bit more cleanly around the house, but i",
"was feeling the mighty pull of thirst and i had",
"just bought myself some raspberry ginger ale (my",
"favorite!), so i poured myself a generous glass",
"and had a few swigs. i wasn't ready to drain it",
"all in a few gulps, so i put the glass down next",
"to my couch on an end table, and went to go start",
"cleaning my bathroom. i was swiffering and",
"dusting and scrubbing away when the thirst came",
"back to me, so being of sound mind, my thoughts",
"immediately turned to that glass of delicious i",
"had left on the end table. i walk over to it, and",
"it seemed... off, somehow. i couldn't put my",
"finger exactly on what was wrong with it. that",
"moisture on the outside is just condensation,",
"right? i thought i hadn't drunk that much, but i",
"was thirsty, wasn't i? that big ol boxer on the",
"couch is just looking at me, he doesn't look",
"guilty does he?",
"oh, but he was.",
"i took a big healthy swig of soda, and felt a",
"hunk of slobber coat the back of my throat and",
"ease its way into my stomach in some sort of",
"perverse slow-motion that i couldn't control, and",
"immediately ran to the sink and dry-heaved for",
"the next 15 minutes."
] |
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really are pretty chill and don't actually do much of anything or really get into any kind of
|
47 | 14 | 0.9 | 47 |
this happened about 2 weeks ago.
each year, we buy toys for a children's charity to give to disadvantaged children.
my partner and i were explaining the process to my 3yo little girl.
i said,
me: this weekend darling, we are going to buy some toys to give to charity
3yo: what's charity daddy?
me: a charity is a group of people who help out other people, we give them money food or toys to help out other people
3yo: i would like some toys daddy
me: you have a lot of toys already and these toys are for kids whose parents can't buy them many toys
this seems fine up to this point.
3yo: what about santa dad, can't he give those kids new toys?
i had no response. cue one crying child.
|
gave my 3yo all the information she needed to realise santa claus is not real.
|
ruining christmas.
|
[
"this happened about 2 weeks ago.",
"each year, we buy toys for a children's charity",
"to give to disadvantaged children.",
"my partner and i were explaining the process to",
"my 3yo little girl.",
"i said,",
"me: this weekend darling, we are going to buy",
"some toys to give to charity",
"3yo: what's charity daddy?",
"me: a charity is a group of people who help out",
"other people, we give them money food or toys to",
"help out other people",
"3yo: i would like some toys daddy",
"me: you have a lot of toys already and these toys",
"are for kids whose parents can't buy them many",
"toys",
"this seems fine up to this point.",
"3yo: what about santa dad, can't he give those",
"kids new toys?",
"i had no response. cue one crying child."
] |
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my partner and i were explaining the process to my 3yo little girl.
|
12 | 1 | 1 | 12 |
happened literally minutes ago, short and salty.
i love soup, especially on chilly mornings. as per my normal routine, i got out of bed and went to make my morning micacle in a cup. the travel mug i usually use has a metal lining to keep the drink warm, so i usually fill up a different cup to microwave my water.
nothing out of the ordinary, just filled up a cup and popped in. easy! while it's boiling, i go to put my contacts in. right as i'm making contact with my eye i hear a loud pop followed by a fizzling similar to opening a soda, with a bunch of smaller bangs. so after nearly blinding and shitting myself, i run out to find my microwave celebrating the fourth of july without me! rude.
|
i need a new microwave
|
making a cup of soup
|
[
"happened literally minutes ago, short and salty.",
"i love soup, especially on chilly mornings. as",
"per my normal routine, i got out of bed and went",
"to make my morning micacle in a cup. the travel",
"mug i usually use has a metal lining to keep the",
"drink warm, so i usually fill up a different cup",
"to microwave my water.",
"nothing out of the ordinary, just filled up a cup",
"and popped in. easy! while it's boiling, i go to",
"put my contacts in. right as i'm making contact",
"with my eye i hear a loud pop followed by a",
"fizzling similar to opening a soda, with a bunch",
"of smaller bangs. so after nearly blinding and",
"shitting myself, i run out to find my microwave",
"celebrating the fourth of july without me! rude."
] |
[
0,
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0.12185918581780986,
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] |
shitting myself, i run out to find my microwave
|
2 | 5 | 0.67 | 2 |
so all my life after being in the chive.. i always thought that hump day meant showing off your hump as in ass.. that's what i assumed.. but i just found out that today by thinking someone on here used it wrong and i was going to comment on that but i was thinking wait.. what if i'm the one who's wrong and been wrong about hump day all the time.. so i looked up hump day on google and got this http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hump+day i seriously thought it was all about the ass all the time.. i can't imagine how many times i've used it wrong..
|
thought hump day meant ass day.. people who browse the chive knows what i mean..
|
with not knowing what hump day actually means..
|
[
"so all my life after being in the chive.. i always",
"thought that hump day meant showing off your hump",
"as in ass.. that's what i assumed.. but i just",
"found out that today by thinking someone on here",
"used it wrong and i was going to comment on that",
"but i was thinking wait.. what if i'm the one",
"who's wrong and been wrong about hump day all the",
"time.. so i looked up hump day on google and got",
"this",
"http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hu",
"mp+day",
"i seriously thought it was all about the ass all",
"the time.. i can't imagine how many times i've",
"used it wrong.."
] |
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] |
thought that hump day meant showing off your hump as in ass.. that's what i assumed.. but i just
|
1 | 3 | 1 | 1 |
i'm 15. a male. this happened a couple of days ago.
in september-october, i visited the site 7 cups of tea. it's an amazing sight for people who want someone to talk with or want advice or some psychological stuff.
i met a girl. i used logic to find out her age. she was pretty amazed. i'm 15. she's 17. i'm from india, she's from france. soon, we started talking frequently on that site. then we started visiting the site infrequently because she was busy and i had my exams on.
two weeks ago, i messaged her my fb profile link on 7cupsoftea.. i super-duper-rarely use fb. i'm an introvert and fb is obviously for introverts. i checked my fb account a week ago. turns out she has sent me a friend request.
we talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.
three days ago, she told me that she was a bit busy so she won't be able to reply. i told her not to reply.
she replied, "ok". i joked, "you should stop replying."
"you did it first", said she. i replied, "you did it again."
"okay." and then i replied, "and you did it again."
she went offline. a few hours later, i find this [gif](https://i.imgur.com/ftugax1.gifv). i message this too her.
you can open it. it's an is-related joke.
i told her it was a funny one. it might seems shitty at first, but then it will be funny. she hadn't replied yet. the preview image of the gif on fb displayed, "18+". she must have thought it was nsfw and must have clicked on it and must have saw it's is related stuff.
since then, she hasn't replied. i told her that if she has blocked my messages, it must be because of some misunderstanding. i cleared the fact that i hate terrorists and it was a funny gif.
she has had that green online dot in whenever i check my account for any updates.
today, i added that if she has blocked me, i have no idea what could be the reason and it was good to talk to her. maybe she blocked me because i was sending her lots of messages or because of the gif.
optional {
i lost a good friend. i haven't seen any pics of her. i talked with her and found her personality to be cool. i developed a mini-crush on her, but then erased the feelings from my brain. i do this everytime i develop a mini-crush on a girl. actually, i don't talk to women(except my mom and elder sister). i told about this crush and girl stuff to her, and she said that she had no problem(this happened on 7cupsoftea). in short, she was a great person and i lost a great friend. :(
}
she hasn't replied after she said that she was busy.
edit: we were never in a relationship. just friends.
|
lost a great keyboard-pal by either being too talkative or posting a gif link that might seem nsfw(but isn't)
|
while chatting with a busy keyboard-pal
|
[
"i'm 15. a male. this happened a couple of days",
"ago.",
"in september-october, i visited the site 7 cups",
"of tea. it's an amazing sight for people who want",
"someone to talk with or want advice or some",
"psychological stuff.",
"i met a girl. i used logic to find out her age.",
"she was pretty amazed. i'm 15. she's 17. i'm from",
"india, she's from france. soon, we started",
"talking frequently on that site. then we started",
"visiting the site infrequently because she was",
"busy and i had my exams on.",
"two weeks ago, i messaged her my fb profile link",
"on 7cupsoftea.. i super-duper-rarely use fb. i'm",
"an introvert and fb is obviously for introverts.",
"i checked my fb account a week ago. turns out she",
"has sent me a friend request.",
"we talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and",
"talk.",
"three days ago, she told me that she was a bit",
"busy so she won't be able to reply. i told her",
"not to reply.",
"she replied, \"ok\". i joked, \"you should stop",
"replying.\"",
"\"you did it first\", said she. i replied, \"you did",
"it again.\"",
"\"okay.\" and then i replied, \"and you did it",
"again.\"",
"she went offline. a few hours later, i find this",
"[gif](https://i.imgur.com/ftugax1.gifv). i",
"message this too her.",
"you can open it. it's an is-related joke.",
"i told her it was a funny one. it might seems",
"shitty at first, but then it will be funny. she",
"hadn't replied yet. the preview image of the gif",
"on fb displayed, \"18+\". she must have thought it",
"was nsfw and must have clicked on it and must",
"have saw it's is related stuff.",
"since then, she hasn't replied. i told her that",
"if she has blocked my messages, it must be",
"because of some misunderstanding. i cleared the",
"fact that i hate terrorists and it was a funny",
"gif.",
"she has had that green online dot in whenever i",
"check my account for any updates.",
"today, i added that if she has blocked me, i have",
"no idea what could be the reason and it was good",
"to talk to her. maybe she blocked me because i",
"was sending her lots of messages or because of",
"the gif.",
"optional {",
"i lost a good friend. i haven't seen any pics of",
"her. i talked with her and found her personality",
"to be cool. i developed a mini-crush on her, but",
"then erased the feelings from my brain. i do this",
"everytime i develop a mini-crush on a girl.",
"actually, i don't talk to women(except my mom and",
"elder sister). i told about this crush and girl",
"stuff to her, and she said that she had no",
"problem(this happened on 7cupsoftea). in short,",
"she was a great person and i lost a great friend.",
":(",
"}",
"she hasn't replied after she said that she was",
"busy.",
"edit: we were never in a relationship. just",
"friends."
] |
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message this too her. gif. she was a great person and i lost a great friend.
|
1 | 2 | 0.6 | 1 |
any way. this was in middle school, i believe. i was really good friends w/a girl named tammy. we were not popular so we seemed to merge and became good friends. i would go to her place and hang out and she would come over and hang out at mine. one day i decided to write her a really mean letter. i do not know why, she did nothing to upset me. i have sabotaged a couple other relationships as i got older so i think i have some issues. i remember thinking at the time that i was going to be there to comfort and support her after some asshole said such hurtful things. [asshole being me]. this letter included really nasty comments like calling her fat, ugly, smelly, and i am sure more. i mailed the letter. a few days later her mom shows up at our door and asked for my mom. i didn't realize who she was right away and cheerfully got my mom saying the lady looked like aunt kathy [who lived on the other side of the country]. her mom talked to mine and showed her the letter. needless to say i lost a good friend that day and i probably did her some major emotional damage. i feel so terrible about this when i think about it.
~tammy if you are out there...i am so truly sorry for that nasty letter. i hope you have gotten over the damage i caused and i hope you have had a happy and fulfilling life.
tifu by adding a return post to a nasty, hurtful letter and have guilt over hurting someone very badly.
|
this happened years ago. i should say tifu by reading tifu on reddit.
|
putting a return address on a letter i mailed.
|
[
"any way. this was in middle school, i believe. i",
"was really good friends w/a girl named tammy. we",
"were not popular so we seemed to merge and became",
"good friends. i would go to her place and hang",
"out and she would come over and hang out at mine.",
"one day i decided to write her a really mean",
"letter. i do not know why, she did nothing to",
"upset me. i have sabotaged a couple other",
"relationships as i got older so i think i have",
"some issues. i remember thinking at the time that",
"i was going to be there to comfort and support",
"her after some asshole said such hurtful things.",
"[asshole being me]. this letter included really",
"nasty comments like calling her fat, ugly,",
"smelly, and i am sure more. i mailed the letter.",
"a few days later her mom shows up at our door and",
"asked for my mom. i didn't realize who she was",
"right away and cheerfully got my mom saying the",
"lady looked like aunt kathy [who lived on the",
"other side of the country]. her mom talked to",
"mine and showed her the letter. needless to say i",
"lost a good friend that day and i probably did",
"her some major emotional damage. i feel so",
"terrible about this when i think about it.",
"~tammy if you are out there...i am so truly sorry",
"for that nasty letter. i hope you have gotten",
"over the damage i caused and i hope you have had",
"a happy and fulfilling life.",
"tifu by adding a return post to a nasty, hurtful",
"letter and have guilt over hurting someone very",
"badly."
] |
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terrible about this when i think about it. tifu by adding a return post to a nasty, hurtful
|
558 | 245 | 0.91 | 558 |
this happened yesterday. i waited a day to come down from my pure anger to write this, still mostly writing this to vent and get it out there. my best friend and his brother are both tamil from south india. one is finishing up his phd after living in tx/us for more than 5 years, the other just graduated with a ms in engineering from the same institution here. they speak english better than ~90% of americans. eloquently.
we have two dogs we don't like to board. they hate it, so we get dogsitters when we leave. we're at the better half's family home for xmas. the dogs love the two above described friends. so the brother is dog sitting and checking on the house for us. so, we get a phone call yesterday morning, his first day helping us out. we pick up and ask how the dogs are.
"oh, they are fine, but there are police here and they want to talk to you..."
"what???"
"yeah, here you you go"
proceed to confirm that yes indian friend is indeed watching our fucking dogs, give the address, describe the house. cops apologize and hang up.
now i feel like absolute shit and get back in touch after the cops have left to get the full story. our friend drove his vespa over, put it in our driveway. used a key that is his to open the front door. fed dogs, played with dogs in backyard, let dogs back in only to find that six cops had shown up in three vehicles. with guns drawn. one of our dogs is a stone cold guard dog. half cattle dog, half malinois. she only has to meet you once and you're good for life. but if she doesn't know you, you are not getting in our house. she gives zero fucks about uniforms, guns, and loud noises. now, here in the great state of texas, police are very fond of shooting dogs that so much as make them nervous. our friend said that she made the officers extremely agitated, but he managed to keep control of her and make sure she stayed in the house. he deserves a medal for that. he didn't even realize it was a possibility they would kill my dog. and he deserves one for staying calm while six officers had unholstered pieces, with one leaning against the corner of the garage at high ready towards the front door. he says they were very apologetic after realizing the true situation, but fuck man... so now after hearing all this, i really feel like shit, and pretty sick to my stomach all day, and am beyond fucking livid.
our alarm system was unarmed for him to come in that morning. which means a neighbor (and we know which) who has never so much as said hello or exchanged numbers made an insane call to dispatch. another friend who lives a few neighborhoods over saw three vehicles full siren headed towards our house's direction right around the time this happened. now, the kicker. blond white girl driving her mom's lexus had checked on the house the day before this and fed the dogs. we called her after hearing all this, she said guilty neighbor was outside eyeballing her, but no cops called. so much fucking fail in this story.
|
in central texas cities, you need to include hazard pay if the person housesitting for you isn't white. lucky he and dog are not dead.
|
having a non-white house/dog-sitter in central texas.
|
[
"this happened yesterday. i waited a day to come",
"down from my pure anger to write this, still",
"mostly writing this to vent and get it out there.",
"my best friend and his brother are both tamil",
"from south india. one is finishing up his phd",
"after living in tx/us for more than 5 years, the",
"other just graduated with a ms in engineering",
"from the same institution here. they speak",
"english better than ~90% of americans.",
"eloquently.",
"we have two dogs we don't like to board. they",
"hate it, so we get dogsitters when we leave.",
"we're at the better half's family home for xmas.",
"the dogs love the two above described friends. so",
"the brother is dog sitting and checking on the",
"house for us. so, we get a phone call yesterday",
"morning, his first day helping us out. we pick up",
"and ask how the dogs are.",
"\"oh, they are fine, but there are police here and",
"they want to talk to you...\"",
"\"what???\"\n\"yeah, here you you go\"",
"proceed to confirm that yes indian friend is",
"indeed watching our fucking dogs, give the",
"address, describe the house. cops apologize and",
"hang up.",
"now i feel like absolute shit and get back in",
"touch after the cops have left to get the full",
"story. our friend drove his vespa over, put it in",
"our driveway. used a key that is his to open the",
"front door. fed dogs, played with dogs in",
"backyard, let dogs back in only to find that six",
"cops had shown up in three vehicles. with guns",
"drawn. one of our dogs is a stone cold guard dog.",
"half cattle dog, half malinois. she only has to",
"meet you once and you're good for life. but if",
"she doesn't know you, you are not getting in our",
"house. she gives zero fucks about uniforms, guns,",
"and loud noises. now, here in the great state of",
"texas, police are very fond of shooting dogs that",
"so much as make them nervous. our friend said",
"that she made the officers extremely agitated,",
"but he managed to keep control of her and make",
"sure she stayed in the house. he deserves a medal",
"for that. he didn't even realize it was a",
"possibility they would kill my dog. and he",
"deserves one for staying calm while six officers",
"had unholstered pieces, with one leaning against",
"the corner of the garage at high ready towards",
"the front door. he says they were very apologetic",
"after realizing the true situation, but fuck",
"man... so now after hearing all this, i really",
"feel like shit, and pretty sick to my stomach all",
"day, and am beyond fucking livid.",
"our alarm system was unarmed for him to come in",
"that morning. which means a neighbor (and we know",
"which) who has never so much as said hello or",
"exchanged numbers made an insane call to",
"dispatch. another friend who lives a few",
"neighborhoods over saw three vehicles full siren",
"headed towards our house's direction right around",
"the time this happened. now, the kicker. blond",
"white girl driving her mom's lexus had checked on",
"the house the day before this and fed the dogs.",
"we called her after hearing all this, she said",
"guilty neighbor was outside eyeballing her, but",
"no cops called. so much fucking fail in this",
"story."
] |
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meet you once and you're good for life. but if she doesn't know you, you are not getting in our possibility they would kill my dog. and he
|
60 | 12 | 0.95 | 60 |
it's the holidays so i'm staying with my dad, and i've got a bit of a nasty cold so i'm on an odd sleep schedule. so, at 1 am, with a sore throat and cold body i decide to go for some tea.
my dad has a keurig appliance for coffee, but i needed tea now, and quietly, so i put a bag in a mug and notice there's no water in the device's reservoir.
on to the fuckup. he has an empty gallon jug he uses to refill the appliance, so i'm holding the jug with an outstretched left arm while it's filling when one of those out-of-nowhere sneezes you only get while sick hits me, hard.
the gallon was almost full and the sneeze jerked me so hard that i dislocated my shoulder. i was reduced to a screaming, mucousy pile of patheticness on the kitchen floor at 1 in the morning. in my underwear. hi dad.
|
sneezed so hard i dislocated my shoulder. *at night.*
|
sneezing so hard i injured myself.
|
[
"it's the holidays so i'm staying with my dad, and",
"i've got a bit of a nasty cold so i'm on an odd",
"sleep schedule. so, at 1 am, with a sore throat",
"and cold body i decide to go for some tea.",
"my dad has a keurig appliance for coffee, but i",
"needed tea now, and quietly, so i put a bag in a",
"mug and notice there's no water in the device's",
"reservoir.",
"on to the fuckup. he has an empty gallon jug he",
"uses to refill the appliance, so i'm holding the",
"jug with an outstretched left arm while it's",
"filling when one of those out-of-nowhere sneezes",
"you only get while sick hits me, hard.",
"the gallon was almost full and the sneeze jerked",
"me so hard that i dislocated my shoulder. i was",
"reduced to a screaming, mucousy pile of",
"patheticness on the kitchen floor at 1 in the",
"morning. in my underwear. hi dad."
] |
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me so hard that i dislocated my shoulder. i was
|
6 | 14 | 0.67 | 6 |
my roommate a couple of weeks back offhandedly mentioned that he had been electrocuted by the light fixture.
now, the right thing to do here would be to follow up on this statement with a multimeter to verify that there was voltage where there is not supposed to be voltage, however i opted for the lazier route and told him to email the landlord (he did not).
in the meantime, i, having never been electrocuted by the light fixture, was skeptical. knowing how voltage works, and having an understanding of the word ground in an e/m context, i reflected on my past light fixture-touching experiences. i concluded that since i was standing on the floor, which should have been grounded, and touching the light switch, which may have had voltage, and not serving as a conduit for 110v dc, that there was in fact no voltage in the light switch. until today.
so apparently, the floor does not go to ground, but, plumbing does. so upon touching both the light switch and the sink, i allowed my pipes to carry a flow of both water and electrons, electrons that had taken the path of least resistance through yours truly first.
and that was how i discovered that there was voltage in my light fixture.
|
roommate told me some shocking news. ignored it and got to be part of a circuit.
|
not believing my roommate.
|
[
"my roommate a couple of weeks back offhandedly",
"mentioned that he had been electrocuted by the",
"light fixture.",
"now, the right thing to do here would be to",
"follow up on this statement with a multimeter to",
"verify that there was voltage where there is not",
"supposed to be voltage, however i opted for the",
"lazier route and told him to email the landlord",
"(he did not).",
"in the meantime, i, having never been",
"electrocuted by the light fixture, was skeptical.",
"knowing how voltage works, and having an",
"understanding of the word ground in an e/m",
"context, i reflected on my past light",
"fixture-touching experiences. i concluded that",
"since i was standing on the floor, which should",
"have been grounded, and touching the light",
"switch, which may have had voltage, and not",
"serving as a conduit for 110v dc, that there was",
"in fact no voltage in the light switch. until",
"today.",
"so apparently, the floor does not go to ground,",
"but, plumbing does. so upon touching both the",
"light switch and the sink, i allowed my pipes to",
"carry a flow of both water and electrons,",
"electrons that had taken the path of least",
"resistance through yours truly first.",
"and that was how i discovered that there was",
"voltage in my light fixture."
] |
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my roommate a couple of weeks back offhandedly supposed to be voltage, however i opted for the
|
10,208 | 2,291 | 0.89 | 10,208 |
i have a similar story to a recent post here, but not quite as long as a 29 year one. also this was not today. my name is samuel, but until i was about 10 i didn't realise this. everyone had called me sam all my life and that's how i had learned to write my name. one day in primary school i was looking at the list of the class's names in the wall (to have stickers and stuff put next too if we had done well in something) and couldn't find my one. i did however see the name samuel and started laughing as i had read it as if it was pronounced "samool" and was looking around for the poor fucknuckle with that name.
edit: man this blew up haha. my only proper post i've ever made and it hits front page! also rip inbox :)
edit 2: oooh gold! thanks whoever you are!
|
i didn't realise my name was samuel instead of just sam. thought there was a kid in my class called samool and felt bad for them.
|
not knowing my own name until i was ten.
|
[
"i have a similar story to a recent post here, but",
"not quite as long as a 29 year one. also this was",
"not today. my name is samuel, but until i was",
"about 10 i didn't realise this. everyone had",
"called me sam all my life and that's how i had",
"learned to write my name. one day in primary",
"school i was looking at the list of the class's",
"names in the wall (to have stickers and stuff put",
"next too if we had done well in something) and",
"couldn't find my one. i did however see the name",
"samuel and started laughing as i had read it as",
"if it was pronounced \"samool\" and was looking",
"around for the poor fucknuckle with that name.",
"edit: man this blew up haha. my only proper post",
"i've ever made and it hits front page! also rip",
"inbox :)",
"edit 2: oooh gold! thanks whoever you are!"
] |
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] |
not today. my name is samuel, but until i was about 10 i didn't realise this. everyone had if it was pronounced "samool" and was looking
|
0 | 3 | 0.22 | 0 |
last night, i decided to finally message the girl i like from school on facebook. everything was going well until about 2 hours into the conversation. it went something like this..
"so do you think we can be good friends?"
"yes ofc"
"more then friends?"
"i'm not sure yet."
then she asked me if i knew a guy from our school, which seemed random, until she said "he's my bf" after that i was all confused and tired and somehow apologized to many times.
on the bright side, i have a funny story to tell now!
|
flirted with a girl for 2 hours before she told me she was single.
|
flirting with a girl who isn't single.
|
[
"last night, i decided to finally message the girl",
"i like from school on facebook. everything was",
"going well until about 2 hours into the",
"conversation. it went something like this..",
"\"so do you think we can be good friends?\"",
"\"yes ofc\"\n\n\"more then friends?\"",
"\"i'm not sure yet.\"",
"then she asked me if i knew a guy from our",
"school, which seemed random, until she said \"he's",
"my bf\" after that i was all confused and tired",
"and somehow apologized to many times.",
"on the bright side, i have a funny story to tell",
"now!"
] |
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going well until about 2 hours into the then she asked me if i knew a guy from our
|
54 | 16 | 0.91 | 54 |
first off, obligitory "this is my first post on reddit" and "on mobile so sorry for formatting" ...anyway, as with many tifu's this didn't happen today, it happened about 4 years ago. my memory is a little hazy so apologies in advance.
so i used to go to air cadets (basically for those who don't know it's a uk wide group sponsored by the royal air force which essentially allows you to do a lot of different activities and events with a loose military theme) and well at the time i was 14 almost 15 and wasn't particularly popular in school and had near to no experience with girls (becomes relevant later).
i quite enjoyed attending my local 'squadron' as it was called and got along with those who attended with me a lot more than those i knew at school. in particular i began talking to and getting closer to a girl there, she was a bit younger than me, 13 close to 14 - so about a years difference. so we exchanged numbers and started talking through text outside of cadets.
now i was starting to feel like i'd made a good friend but she was acting a little strange, and ofc being the nieve 14 yo that i was i didn't even consider the fact that maybe she liked me. so one night we were talking and all of a sudden she was asking me all these questions like "do you care about me?", etc, etc... then obviously at this point (finally) it clicks, this girl likes me as more than friends. now the only problem was that i really didn't feel the same, i mean i liked her as a friend but no more. so i try to let her down easy, saying the whole "i do care about you and i love having you as a friend but i just don't want anything more than that" type speech. at this point, she basically loses her shit, goes into full on "i'm not good enough" mode and has what was essentially a fucking breakdown. not good. (thinking back, probably not the best way to tell her i didn't like her, but come on. it wasn't the end of the world, right?)
so basically at this point i try to apologise and her and get her to understand that i was still okay being friends. but if anything that made things worse. so i went to bed, i was tired and was getting fed up with how completely over the top dramatic she was being. but it wasn't over. i woke up at about half one in the morning to a text saying "help me". that's it, nothing else.. so as you'd expect i'm like holy fuck... i try to call her, text her.. are you okay? what's happened?? ..nothing. didn't hear anything from her again for about a week. and even then it was a message from her mother of all people saying that essentially her phone and laptop had been taken by the police and that she had been receiving a lot of abuse on the internet (unknown to me till then) and she had threatened to kill herself... thats the last i heard about her, i havent bwen back to cadets since. i couldn't talk to another girl for about 2 years after that.
also, would just like to add that i understand that suicides and attempted suicides are no laughing matter, i completely agree with that and in no way am i trying to implied otherwise through this post.
|
rejected a younger girl who almost killed herself
|
rejecting a younger girl
|
[
"first off, obligitory \"this is my first post on",
"reddit\" and \"on mobile so sorry for formatting\"",
"...anyway, as with many tifu's this didn't happen",
"today, it happened about 4 years ago. my memory",
"is a little hazy so apologies in advance.",
"so i used to go to air cadets (basically for",
"those who don't know it's a uk wide group",
"sponsored by the royal air force which",
"essentially allows you to do a lot of different",
"activities and events with a loose military",
"theme) and well at the time i was 14 almost 15",
"and wasn't particularly popular in school and had",
"near to no experience with girls (becomes",
"relevant later).",
"i quite enjoyed attending my local 'squadron' as",
"it was called and got along with those who",
"attended with me a lot more than those i knew at",
"school. in particular i began talking to and",
"getting closer to a girl there, she was a bit",
"younger than me, 13 close to 14 - so about a",
"years difference. so we exchanged numbers and",
"started talking through text outside of cadets.",
"now i was starting to feel like i'd made a good",
"friend but she was acting a little strange, and",
"ofc being the nieve 14 yo that i was i didn't",
"even consider the fact that maybe she liked me.",
"so one night we were talking and all of a sudden",
"she was asking me all these questions like \"do",
"you care about me?\", etc, etc... then obviously",
"at this point (finally) it clicks, this girl",
"likes me as more than friends. now the only",
"problem was that i really didn't feel the same, i",
"mean i liked her as a friend but no more. so i",
"try to let her down easy, saying the whole \"i do",
"care about you and i love having you as a friend",
"but i just don't want anything more than that\"",
"type speech. at this point, she basically loses",
"her shit, goes into full on \"i'm not good enough\"",
"mode and has what was essentially a fucking",
"breakdown. not good. (thinking back, probably not",
"the best way to tell her i didn't like her, but",
"come on. it wasn't the end of the world, right?)",
"so basically at this point i try to apologise and",
"her and get her to understand that i was still",
"okay being friends. but if anything that made",
"things worse. so i went to bed, i was tired and",
"was getting fed up with how completely over the",
"top dramatic she was being. but it wasn't over. i",
"woke up at about half one in the morning to a",
"text saying \"help me\". that's it, nothing else..",
"so as you'd expect i'm like holy fuck... i try to",
"call her, text her.. are you okay? what's",
"happened?? ..nothing. didn't hear anything from",
"her again for about a week. and even then it was",
"a message from her mother of all people saying",
"that essentially her phone and laptop had been",
"taken by the police and that she had been",
"receiving a lot of abuse on the internet (unknown",
"to me till then) and she had threatened to kill",
"herself... thats the last i heard about her, i",
"havent bwen back to cadets since. i couldn't talk",
"to another girl for about 2 years after that.",
"also, would just like to add that i understand",
"that suicides and attempted suicides are no",
"laughing matter, i completely agree with that and",
"in no way am i trying to implied otherwise",
"through this post."
] |
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those who don't know it's a uk wide group
|
12 | 13 | 0.67 | 12 |
this actually happened some four months ago.
i went to a local supermarket near where i live (sao paulo, brazil) and where me and my roommates always go to buy stuff.
i bought a shampoo bottle, a toothpaste and a toothbrush, a soap and a coke. i paid with my credit card, took the receipt and walked away with the purchases in my pockets (because the bags are paid in this place). in the middle way to home, i finished my coke and threw it off together with the receipt on a public trash bin. some meters ahead, and i realized i needed to buy a razor. so i went home and left all my previous purchases there and returned to the supermarket, right?
no
i turned back, with the products on my pocket - mind you -, and returned to the supermarket. since the razor stays right in the cashier, i did not even actually "entered" the supermarket, so i went straight to the line, paid for the razor with my card again and then the nightmare starts:
the security (later i found out he was a cop - even though he never told me so) pushed me, questioned me, i tried to explain, i offered all possible ways to resolve the situation right there (i suggested we could ask the cashier i actually did pay for the stuff in my pocket, or to look to the security camera records) but he and the manager of the supermarket refused. luckly, my friend was also in the supermarket (not with me in the moment, but he saw everything and called my other friends i live with).
i waited for the police to come some two hours, with me and my friends trying to convince him i did not stole the stuff in my pockets, that i just forgot to advise the market i was entering with previous purchases and left my receipt, to look to the security camera system, to ask the cashier, but no, they were decided they wanted to fuck with my day.
the police arrives, ask some question, send me to the police station, the delegate ask me some more few question and whatever, she said i was arrested! that is it. i was arrested for a "crime" i did not commit, and spend some hours locked with motherfuckers police men who tried to scary me (they did, i really thought i would be beaten or something), and right in the side of someone who, according to the police guys, had just raped and murdered a woman. i just did not spend the night in jail because my friends paid the bail, otherwise, i think i would spend like three day or something in.the.fucking.jail.
|
never return to the supermarket with previous purchases without the receipt. otherwise you can be arrested like i did (even though i was a bit wrong, nothing justifies being arrested - given i did not steal anything).
|
entering the supermarket with past purchases and being arrested
|
[
"this actually happened some four months ago.",
"i went to a local supermarket near where i live",
"(sao paulo, brazil) and where me and my roommates",
"always go to buy stuff.",
"i bought a shampoo bottle, a toothpaste and a",
"toothbrush, a soap and a coke. i paid with my",
"credit card, took the receipt and walked away",
"with the purchases in my pockets (because the",
"bags are paid in this place). in the middle way",
"to home, i finished my coke and threw it off",
"together with the receipt on a public trash bin.",
"some meters ahead, and i realized i needed to buy",
"a razor. so i went home and left all my previous",
"purchases there and returned to the supermarket,",
"right?",
"no",
"i turned back, with the products on my pocket -",
"mind you -, and returned to the supermarket.",
"since the razor stays right in the cashier, i did",
"not even actually \"entered\" the supermarket, so i",
"went straight to the line, paid for the razor",
"with my card again and then the nightmare starts:",
"the security (later i found out he was a cop -",
"even though he never told me so) pushed me,",
"questioned me, i tried to explain, i offered all",
"possible ways to resolve the situation right",
"there (i suggested we could ask the cashier i",
"actually did pay for the stuff in my pocket, or",
"to look to the security camera records) but he",
"and the manager of the supermarket refused.",
"luckly, my friend was also in the supermarket",
"(not with me in the moment, but he saw everything",
"and called my other friends i live with).",
"i waited for the police to come some two hours,",
"with me and my friends trying to convince him i",
"did not stole the stuff in my pockets, that i",
"just forgot to advise the market i was entering",
"with previous purchases and left my receipt, to",
"look to the security camera system, to ask the",
"cashier, but no, they were decided they wanted to",
"fuck with my day.",
"the police arrives, ask some question, send me to",
"the police station, the delegate ask me some more",
"few question and whatever, she said i was",
"arrested! that is it. i was arrested for a",
"\"crime\" i did not commit, and spend some hours",
"locked with motherfuckers police men who tried to",
"scary me (they did, i really thought i would be",
"beaten or something), and right in the side of",
"someone who, according to the police guys, had",
"just raped and murdered a woman. i just did not",
"spend the night in jail because my friends paid",
"the bail, otherwise, i think i would spend like",
"three day or something in.the.fucking.jail."
] |
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mind you -, and returned to the supermarket. even though he never told me so) pushed me, with previous purchases and left my receipt, to arrested! that is it. i was arrested for a "crime" i did not commit, and spend some hours
|
19 | 4 | 0.82 | 19 |
this happened a couple of months ago. i was at a friend's birthday dinner, we had burgers, took pictures yada yada. finally it was time to cut the cake: yay! one of his closer buddies unboxed it (it was one of the kitkat cakes, something like [this](http://aspoonfulofsugardesigns.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/kit+kat+cake.jpg) )and another one put a few candles on and lit them.
then the girls started taking pictures and selfies with the cake and the birthday boy, and me with my hyper-observatory visual powers suddenly noticed that the wax of the candles was melting on to the cake.
"dude *frantic gestures* the wax is melting"
everyone spins around with moderate concern and this one girl goes like "omg blow it out!" i did so without a moments hesitation. everyone started staring at me with raised eyebrows and while i was momentarily confused, i suddenly realized what the hell i'd done when i noticed the birthday boy rise up from an "about to blow the candles" posture in an effort to play it cool.
i felt terrible :(
|
blew the candles of someone else's birthday cake in panic when i saw the wax melting.
|
panicking about the wax.
|
[
"this happened a couple of months ago. i was at a",
"friend's birthday dinner, we had burgers, took",
"pictures yada yada. finally it was time to cut",
"the cake: yay! one of his closer buddies unboxed",
"it (it was one of the kitkat cakes, something",
"like",
"[this](http://aspoonfulofsugardesigns.com/wp-cont",
"ent/uploads/2014/01/kit+kat+cake.jpg)",
")and another one put a few candles on and lit",
"them.",
"then the girls started taking pictures and",
"selfies with the cake and the birthday boy, and",
"me with my hyper-observatory visual powers",
"suddenly noticed that the wax of the candles was",
"melting on to the cake.",
"\"dude *frantic gestures* the wax is melting\"",
"everyone spins around with moderate concern and",
"this one girl goes like \"omg blow it out!\" i did",
"so without a moments hesitation. everyone started",
"staring at me with raised eyebrows and while i",
"was momentarily confused, i suddenly realized",
"what the hell i'd done when i noticed the",
"birthday boy rise up from an \"about to blow the",
"candles\" posture in an effort to play it cool.",
"i felt terrible :("
] |
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suddenly noticed that the wax of the candles was what the hell i'd done when i noticed the
|
8 | 10 | 0.77 | 8 |
this happened yesterday and i haven't had the chance to post this until now.
**short backstory:** my girlfriend and i have been dating for 1 year and some months (1 year, 3 months in case you find this) and have been living together since the end of october.
during the first months of our relationship she constantly made mention to how much of a clean freak she was. now, her room was fully covered in a thick layers of clothes, sprinkled with dirty dishes and randomly placed (or perfectly placed depending on which of us you ask) items that only appeared in the middle of the night when you're trying to walk around. in her defense, she did keep the kitchen spotless, mopping multiple times a week and doing dishes whenever she had nothing else to do. when things get to dirty (outside her bedroom) she's get stressed and irritated.
**how i fucked up:** the day started out stressful for her. she was disappointed once again by her father, and we were both having rough days at work. so she texts me with a huge list of chores that she wants done today, okay fair enough. half way down the list i see mop and sweep. now this past weekend we were gone, and her dad was over and he had swept and mopped. was that good enough for her? no. she wants it redone because the floor isn't clean enough for her.
so she is going off on all these chores that she deems necessary to be done, and neither i or her dad agree. so i hit her back with this text: *"these are mostly chores that have already been done, and don't need to be done again for at least a week. just because you feel like it has to happen doesn't mean you get to force us to do it, if you're the only one who has a problem with it. do you know who else had ideas that he forced other people to follow? hitler. and look how that turned out."*
now that started something else entirely. i ended up sleeping on the couch last night and made her breakfast this morning to make up for it.
|
i compared my girlfriends need for the house to be spotless to hitlers needs for the world to be spotless.
|
comparing my girlfriend to hitler...
|
[
"this happened yesterday and i haven't had the",
"chance to post this until now.",
"**short backstory:** my girlfriend and i have",
"been dating for 1 year and some months (1 year, 3",
"months in case you find this) and have been",
"living together since the end of october.",
"during the first months of our relationship she",
"constantly made mention to how much of a clean",
"freak she was. now, her room was fully covered in",
"a thick layers of clothes, sprinkled with dirty",
"dishes and randomly placed (or perfectly placed",
"depending on which of us you ask) items that only",
"appeared in the middle of the night when you're",
"trying to walk around. in her defense, she did",
"keep the kitchen spotless, mopping multiple times",
"a week and doing dishes whenever she had nothing",
"else to do. when things get to dirty (outside her",
"bedroom) she's get stressed and irritated.",
"**how i fucked up:** the day started out",
"stressful for her. she was disappointed once",
"again by her father, and we were both having",
"rough days at work. so she texts me with a huge",
"list of chores that she wants done today, okay",
"fair enough. half way down the list i see mop and",
"sweep. now this past weekend we were gone, and",
"her dad was over and he had swept and mopped. was",
"that good enough for her? no. she wants it redone",
"because the floor isn't clean enough for her.",
"so she is going off on all these chores that she",
"deems necessary to be done, and neither i or her",
"dad agree. so i hit her back with this text:",
"*\"these are mostly chores that have already been",
"done, and don't need to be done again for at",
"least a week. just because you feel like it has",
"to happen doesn't mean you get to force us to do",
"it, if you're the only one who has a problem with",
"it. do you know who else had ideas that he forced",
"other people to follow? hitler. and look how that",
"turned out.\"*",
"now that started something else entirely. i ended",
"up sleeping on the couch last night and made her",
"breakfast this morning to make up for it."
] |
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] |
**short backstory:** my girlfriend and i have keep the kitchen spotless, mopping multiple times done, and don't need to be done again for at
|
1 | 1 | 0.67 | 1 |
this happened a few hours ago. a bunch of my guy friends and i were at a party up the street and were planning on all just walking back to my house to crash at the end of the night.
the end of the night rolls around and about 12 of us start to stumble the 4 or so blocks to my house. about halfway there i see our slightly unpredictable friend, lets call him m, get that crazed drunken look in his eye, and i can tell shits about to go down.
m proceeds to run ahead of the group to the next intersection. out of nowhere he pounces on the street sign and starts shaking it back and forth grunting like the bear of a human he is. at first i could not process what i was seeing in my drunken state. but when the street sign gave way and i saw it tumble to the side and heard m give one final triumphant grunt, i knew shit had just gotten real. the entire street sign had been torn out of its foundation!
everyone else in the group saw and understood how not-cool the local suburban cops would be with our friends shenanigans. what came next was drunken chaos as everyone made a mad dash to my house trying to get as far away from the crime scene as possible.
next thing i remember i was in my basement panting and trying not to vomit all over the floor. then i saw m waddle in giggling and dragging something between his legs. it's the fucking street sign! to make it worse, two more kids come waddling in behind m with another stolen street sign!
everyone starts freaking the fuck out taking madly jumping around the fine work of our crazy friend m. at this point i become super uncomfortable with our levels of vandalism and i make them dispose of the street signs and get them off the property. as far as i know they brought them to the park right next to my house. but the story doesn't end...
fast forward an hour. everyone has calmed down, but m realizes he forgot something important at the house party we came from (i think it was his phone charger but it doesn't really matter). now if you haven't caught on yet, m is really freakin strong and unstable when drunk, so we were in no position to refuse his request to go back. all we could do was follow him and make sure he didn't pull out more signs.
me and one other friend bring m to get his charger or whatever he needed. on our way back we noticed we were walking the same route as we passed the empty street sign holders. up a side street i see a slow moving car with spotlights on top looking around. oh shit its the cops! we fucking book it back to my house and right as we turn into my street i feel the spotlight on the back of my hood and my heart sinks and stomach churns as i accept my defeat. somehow the cop car just drives right by me m and our other friend as if we weren't 150% the hooligans they were looking for. we kept our heads down as he passed by and took another turn up the street and we dashed back into my house and locked the doors.
i've now watched several cop cars with spotlights going up and down my street for the last 2-3 hours.
|
drunk friend tore down street signs, somehow got past cops.
|
drunk vandalizing
|
[
"this happened a few hours ago. a bunch of my guy",
"friends and i were at a party up the street and",
"were planning on all just walking back to my",
"house to crash at the end of the night.",
"the end of the night rolls around and about 12 of",
"us start to stumble the 4 or so blocks to my",
"house. about halfway there i see our slightly",
"unpredictable friend, lets call him m, get that",
"crazed drunken look in his eye, and i can tell",
"shits about to go down.",
"m proceeds to run ahead of the group to the next",
"intersection. out of nowhere he pounces on the",
"street sign and starts shaking it back and forth",
"grunting like the bear of a human he is. at first",
"i could not process what i was seeing in my",
"drunken state. but when the street sign gave way",
"and i saw it tumble to the side and heard m give",
"one final triumphant grunt, i knew shit had just",
"gotten real. the entire street sign had been torn",
"out of its foundation!",
"everyone else in the group saw and understood how",
"not-cool the local suburban cops would be with",
"our friends shenanigans. what came next was",
"drunken chaos as everyone made a mad dash to my",
"house trying to get as far away from the crime",
"scene as possible.",
"next thing i remember i was in my basement",
"panting and trying not to vomit all over the",
"floor. then i saw m waddle in giggling and",
"dragging something between his legs. it's the",
"fucking street sign! to make it worse, two more",
"kids come waddling in behind m with another",
"stolen street sign!",
"everyone starts freaking the fuck out taking",
"madly jumping around the fine work of our crazy",
"friend m. at this point i become super",
"uncomfortable with our levels of vandalism and i",
"make them dispose of the street signs and get",
"them off the property. as far as i know they",
"brought them to the park right next to my house.",
"but the story doesn't end...",
"fast forward an hour. everyone has calmed down,",
"but m realizes he forgot something important at",
"the house party we came from (i think it was his",
"phone charger but it doesn't really matter). now",
"if you haven't caught on yet, m is really freakin",
"strong and unstable when drunk, so we were in no",
"position to refuse his request to go back. all we",
"could do was follow him and make sure he didn't",
"pull out more signs.",
"me and one other friend bring m to get his",
"charger or whatever he needed. on our way back we",
"noticed we were walking the same route as we",
"passed the empty street sign holders. up a side",
"street i see a slow moving car with spotlights on",
"top looking around. oh shit its the cops! we",
"fucking book it back to my house and right as we",
"turn into my street i feel the spotlight on the",
"back of my hood and my heart sinks and stomach",
"churns as i accept my defeat. somehow the cop car",
"just drives right by me m and our other friend as",
"if we weren't 150% the hooligans they were",
"looking for. we kept our heads down as he passed",
"by and took another turn up the street and we",
"dashed back into my house and locked the doors.",
"i've now watched several cop cars with spotlights",
"going up and down my street for the last 2-3",
"hours."
] |
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shits about to go down. make them dispose of the street signs and get
|
0 | 2 | 0.44 | 0 |
i work at the lego store at my local mall. earlier tonight a very attractive woman (8/10) came in shopping for her kid. while i was ringing her up, i asked for her email so i could look up her rewards card. right as she was about to give me the email, somehow my brain short-circuited between the phrases "go for it" and "fire away", so what came out was a rather loud "go away!". i must have made a hilariously terrified face at this point because she fell out laughing. i apoligized profusely and frantically explained what i was trying to say. luckily she was a good sport about it. she even made a joke saying i need to stop working so hard and take a well-deserved break. when she finished laughing and paying for her stuff, she winked at me and wished me a merry christmas. i wanted to hide in the stock room the rest of the night.....
|
i told a hot customer to go away when i meant to say either "go for it" or "fire away". this is probably why i'm single....
|
telling an attractive customer to go away....
|
[
"i work at the lego store at my local mall. earlier",
"tonight a very attractive woman (8/10) came in",
"shopping for her kid. while i was ringing her up,",
"i asked for her email so i could look up her",
"rewards card. right as she was about to give me",
"the email, somehow my brain short-circuited",
"between the phrases \"go for it\" and \"fire away\",",
"so what came out was a rather loud \"go away!\". i",
"must have made a hilariously terrified face at",
"this point because she fell out laughing. i",
"apoligized profusely and frantically explained",
"what i was trying to say. luckily she was a good",
"sport about it. she even made a joke saying i",
"need to stop working so hard and take a",
"well-deserved break. when she finished laughing",
"and paying for her stuff, she winked at me and",
"wished me a merry christmas. i wanted to hide in",
"the stock room the rest of the night....."
] |
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] |
between the phrases "go for it" and "fire away", what i was trying to say. luckily she was a good
|
0 | 4 | 0.5 | 0 |
to warn you all before hand i am on my phone so if there are errors please don't mind them.
well this happened a couple of hours ago,in a car with my two uncles and eight year old cousin.after a long day up north on vacation (we traveled to wasington state) with my family we were riding in a car home and my friend calls me. it is all normal but me and my friend regularly indulge in dark humor. so the fu occurs when we start impersonating the stereotypical republican(if you are republican this means no offense) and my friend starts joking about how more money should go to war and complaining about "towel heads". i then jokingly interupt him saying out loud, with my gay uncles and their adopted son in the car, "what we should worry more about is the homosexuals over running america and turning good christians like us queer"( me and my friend are both non-religous people with my uncles and their son being over the top religious).
i instantly relize how bad i fucked up and before i could even fucking blink the car pulled over,my bigger uncle yanks me out, and drives away max speed almost breaking the sound barrier leaving me in the snow with no coat. i am now waiting for my aunt to pick me up outside of a 7/11 with me cold as hell and my family now hating me.
|
i made an offensive joke to homosexuals while being in a car withy two homosexual uncles.
|
messing with my friend
|
[
"to warn you all before hand i am on my phone so if",
"there are errors please don't mind them.",
"well this happened a couple of hours ago,in a car",
"with my two uncles and eight year old",
"cousin.after a long day up north on vacation (we",
"traveled to wasington state) with my family we",
"were riding in a car home and my friend calls me.",
"it is all normal but me and my friend regularly",
"indulge in dark humor. so the fu occurs when we",
"start impersonating the stereotypical",
"republican(if you are republican this means no",
"offense) and my friend starts joking about how",
"more money should go to war and complaining about",
"\"towel heads\". i then jokingly interupt him",
"saying out loud, with my gay uncles and their",
"adopted son in the car, \"what we should worry",
"more about is the homosexuals over running",
"america and turning good christians like us",
"queer\"( me and my friend are both non-religous",
"people with my uncles and their son being over",
"the top religious).",
"i instantly relize how bad i fucked up and before",
"i could even fucking blink the car pulled over,my",
"bigger uncle yanks me out, and drives away max",
"speed almost breaking the sound barrier leaving",
"me in the snow with no coat. i am now waiting for",
"my aunt to pick me up outside of a 7/11 with me",
"cold as hell and my family now hating me."
] |
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with my two uncles and eight year old were riding in a car home and my friend calls me.
|
268 | 38 | 0.91 | 268 |
obligatory actually happened a couple days ago. i like to frame my posters, now my rooms not very big but i decided to hang a band poster above my desk, i'm a gamer, so i have a standard three monitor setup, and i have them sitting on a flat glasstop desk, i also keep my guitar leaned right against it, this is just how my room looked, and i had the poster hanging there for weeks with no problems. so i was sitting on my bed playing a console game, i have my tv and my ps4 sitting on a dresser across from my bed, which is across from the glasstop desk. i hear a crash and turn my head, my poster had fallen onto one of the monitors which tipped over and broke but also knocked into my guitar, and my other monitor, so to the left my other two monitors were tipping over eventually coming to rest on my bed...phew, but then i noticed my guitar was falling, into my ps4 which fell off the dresser and took the tv with it, it pulled the tv down to the dresser, snapped the hdmi chord in half, and thankfully i went into, "holy fucking shit!" mode fast enough and caught the ps4 before it hit the floor. but the total damage was 1 monitor, my glass desk, the tv, an hdmi chord, and the disk that was in the ps4, which was last of us remastered. so fuck.
|
watched helplessly as a domino of destruction took everything i loved.
|
hanging a poster
|
[
"obligatory actually happened a couple days ago. i",
"like to frame my posters, now my rooms not very",
"big but i decided to hang a band poster above my",
"desk, i'm a gamer, so i have a standard three",
"monitor setup, and i have them sitting on a flat",
"glasstop desk, i also keep my guitar leaned right",
"against it, this is just how my room looked, and",
"i had the poster hanging there for weeks with no",
"problems. so i was sitting on my bed playing a",
"console game, i have my tv and my ps4 sitting on",
"a dresser across from my bed, which is across",
"from the glasstop desk. i hear a crash and turn",
"my head, my poster had fallen onto one of the",
"monitors which tipped over and broke but also",
"knocked into my guitar, and my other monitor, so",
"to the left my other two monitors were tipping",
"over eventually coming to rest on my bed...phew,",
"but then i noticed my guitar was falling, into my",
"ps4 which fell off the dresser and took the tv",
"with it, it pulled the tv down to the dresser,",
"snapped the hdmi chord in half, and thankfully i",
"went into, \"holy fucking shit!\" mode fast enough",
"and caught the ps4 before it hit the floor. but",
"the total damage was 1 monitor, my glass desk,",
"the tv, an hdmi chord, and the disk that was in",
"the ps4, which was last of us remastered. so",
"fuck."
] |
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obligatory actually happened a couple days ago. i my head, my poster had fallen onto one of the
|
0 | 1 | 0.5 | 0 |
this actually happened sunday. my mom's side of the family does something a little bit early for christmas because she has a big family, so doing something on the day of christmas eve or christmas is hard. a few years ago we had the bright idea to do it the weekend before christmas. this year they delegated bringing presents for the younger kids to my mom. this presents aren't anything great, just a few puzzles, board games, card sets, jewelry kits, etc. their main purpose was to give the kids something to open, and then their parents and grandparents would give them their real presents later. this year i got really into wrapping presents, and my sister, i'll call her lauren, so i'm not even close to breaking rule 6, is also super into it too. my mom asked lauren and i if we would wrap them. lauren was asleep that saturday when i wanted to start wrapping, so i did the first half on my own. in my defense, the list telling us what went where was really confusing. there were like 3 columns, one was of the adults who'd be at the party, so completely unrelated. another was of the kids names and ages, and a third was of the gift being given to them. also, there were things crossed off, and my mom's handwriting is pretty, but hard to read. she explained it to me once before she went off to make bars for the next day. i definitely should have done like post it note on each of the presents so this didn't happen, but i'm not that smart. so i wrap about 1/2, then lauren comes in and wants to do the rest, so i read her the list and leave. my mom's side of the family legit multiplies like rabbits. there were 12(?) children 9 or younger that were going to be there. we show up, and are trying to remember names, and most of them i remember wrapping, or telling her to wrap, but when someone says, "colby." i recognize the name, but don't remember a gift. i ask lauren if she wrapped one for him, and she says we must have because we wrapped gifts for all the little kids. we eat, and then it's time for presents. i opened all mine, and lauren sees one of the kids sitting there looking all sad, and goes over and asks him what's wrong, and he says, "i didn't get one." we check the list again, and i realize the minion thing that should have gone to colby went to our 4 year old cousin zack. watching 11 other kids, including your siblings, get presents while you don't is a rough thing for a 7 year old. a rough thing when you're 4 is getting a present with your name on it taken away from you. i caused both of those things to happen, and i feel a little like the grinch because of it. i think i'll just leave the present wrapping to lauren next year.
|
i addressed a present to the wrong child, so one child got two presents, and one got zero.
|
making 2 children cry
|
[
"this actually happened sunday. my mom's side of",
"the family does something a little bit early for",
"christmas because she has a big family, so doing",
"something on the day of christmas eve or",
"christmas is hard. a few years ago we had the",
"bright idea to do it the weekend before",
"christmas. this year they delegated bringing",
"presents for the younger kids to my mom. this",
"presents aren't anything great, just a few",
"puzzles, board games, card sets, jewelry kits,",
"etc. their main purpose was to give the kids",
"something to open, and then their parents and",
"grandparents would give them their real presents",
"later. this year i got really into wrapping",
"presents, and my sister, i'll call her lauren, so",
"i'm not even close to breaking rule 6, is also",
"super into it too. my mom asked lauren and i if",
"we would wrap them. lauren was asleep that",
"saturday when i wanted to start wrapping, so i",
"did the first half on my own. in my defense, the",
"list telling us what went where was really",
"confusing. there were like 3 columns, one was of",
"the adults who'd be at the party, so completely",
"unrelated. another was of the kids names and",
"ages, and a third was of the gift being given to",
"them. also, there were things crossed off, and my",
"mom's handwriting is pretty, but hard to read.",
"she explained it to me once before she went off",
"to make bars for the next day. i definitely",
"should have done like post it note on each of the",
"presents so this didn't happen, but i'm not that",
"smart. so i wrap about 1/2, then lauren comes in",
"and wants to do the rest, so i read her the list",
"and leave. my mom's side of the family legit",
"multiplies like rabbits. there were 12(?)",
"children 9 or younger that were going to be",
"there. we show up, and are trying to remember",
"names, and most of them i remember wrapping, or",
"telling her to wrap, but when someone says,",
"\"colby.\" i recognize the name, but don't remember",
"a gift. i ask lauren if she wrapped one for him,",
"and she says we must have because we wrapped",
"gifts for all the little kids. we eat, and then",
"it's time for presents. i opened all mine, and",
"lauren sees one of the kids sitting there looking",
"all sad, and goes over and asks him what's wrong,",
"and he says, \"i didn't get one.\" we check the",
"list again, and i realize the minion thing that",
"should have gone to colby went to our 4 year old",
"cousin zack. watching 11 other kids, including",
"your siblings, get presents while you don't is a",
"rough thing for a 7 year old. a rough thing when",
"you're 4 is getting a present with your name on",
"it taken away from you. i caused both of those",
"things to happen, and i feel a little like the",
"grinch because of it. i think i'll just leave the",
"present wrapping to lauren next year."
] |
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presents, and my sister, i'll call her lauren, so things to happen, and i feel a little like the
|
11 | 4 | 0.75 | 11 |
obligatory "i'm on mobile, sorry for formatting, etc". also, this fuck up began in last august and ended in june; it was pretty much over the course of the entire school year.
for some backstory, i was a senior in high school and also really into speech and debate. my event, (extemporaneous for any speech kids) required that everyone competing that event stayed in one room for most of the competition. this was also one of the most difficult events, so i was the only one from my team doing it. this meant that i didn't know anyone in what we called the "prep room".
fortunately, i shared a table with two very nice girls, one of whom we will call mary and the other we will call jane. mary and i hit it off immediately, she had brought a copy of cards against humanity to play in our downtime, had similar political views to me, and was all around a friendly and likeable person in an environment otherwise dominated by cold and competitive people. by the end of this first competition we were facebook friends, talked outside of speech, etc. this is key to the story, that we were actually friends. over the course of the year we got closer and closer and begun hanging out outside of competitions. i also later learned that mary was a sophomore while i was a senior, but it didn't matter. she was plenty mature, mary was the only friend i had who was high school aged with intelligent thoughts on things like american involvement in lybia, goodluck jonathan's response to boko haram, etc. things that were not interesting to normal people, but we could talk about.
i did eventually realize that mary liked me more than a friend. we went to hang out one day and she put her hand on mine, stuff like that. and here's the fuck up: i didn't say anything. i didn't want to reject her and lose a friendship i legitimately cherished, so i said nothing.
while all of this has been happening i also became friends with jane, the other girl i met. not to the same extent, she had other areas of focus than politics, but we still became friends. jane was also a senior, and as such was going to go to her senior prom. but, like many other speech junkies, she needed a date. so, she asked me, as friends. and so we went, just as friends, and it was a perfectly happy, slightly awkward night. pretty standard senior prom. and to reiterate, really just as friends. we take prom pictures which she posts to facebook.
on to the final event of the year, my last for high school and her last for the year. this event is different and mary and i don't actually see each other, but i do see one of her classmates. it's always easier to have friends in speech so i introduced myself, told her i was friends with mary. at which point she asked if i had anything to apologize for. what? apologize for? and then it hit me. i led on a sophomore, i was among her closest friends and then i went to prom with someone else, and posted pictures of it. she took this as the rejection i never said, but because it was never said earlier she thought we were something more than friends.
i haven't seen or heard from her since, aside from being blocked on social media.
|
led on a younger girl, then hurt her feelings and lost one of my closest friends.
|
being the senior crush
|
[
"obligatory \"i'm on mobile, sorry for formatting,",
"etc\". also, this fuck up began in last august and",
"ended in june; it was pretty much over the course",
"of the entire school year.",
"for some backstory, i was a senior in high school",
"and also really into speech and debate. my event,",
"(extemporaneous for any speech kids) required",
"that everyone competing that event stayed in one",
"room for most of the competition. this was also",
"one of the most difficult events, so i was the",
"only one from my team doing it. this meant that i",
"didn't know anyone in what we called the \"prep",
"room\".",
"fortunately, i shared a table with two very nice",
"girls, one of whom we will call mary and the",
"other we will call jane. mary and i hit it off",
"immediately, she had brought a copy of cards",
"against humanity to play in our downtime, had",
"similar political views to me, and was all around",
"a friendly and likeable person in an environment",
"otherwise dominated by cold and competitive",
"people. by the end of this first competition we",
"were facebook friends, talked outside of speech,",
"etc. this is key to the story, that we were",
"actually friends. over the course of the year we",
"got closer and closer and begun hanging out",
"outside of competitions. i also later learned",
"that mary was a sophomore while i was a senior,",
"but it didn't matter. she was plenty mature, mary",
"was the only friend i had who was high school",
"aged with intelligent thoughts on things like",
"american involvement in lybia, goodluck",
"jonathan's response to boko haram, etc. things",
"that were not interesting to normal people, but",
"we could talk about.",
"i did eventually realize that mary liked me more",
"than a friend. we went to hang out one day and",
"she put her hand on mine, stuff like that. and",
"here's the fuck up: i didn't say anything. i",
"didn't want to reject her and lose a friendship i",
"legitimately cherished, so i said nothing.",
"while all of this has been happening i also",
"became friends with jane, the other girl i met.",
"not to the same extent, she had other areas of",
"focus than politics, but we still became friends.",
"jane was also a senior, and as such was going to",
"go to her senior prom. but, like many other",
"speech junkies, she needed a date. so, she asked",
"me, as friends. and so we went, just as friends,",
"and it was a perfectly happy, slightly awkward",
"night. pretty standard senior prom. and to",
"reiterate, really just as friends. we take prom",
"pictures which she posts to facebook.",
"on to the final event of the year, my last for",
"high school and her last for the year. this event",
"is different and mary and i don't actually see",
"each other, but i do see one of her classmates.",
"it's always easier to have friends in speech so i",
"introduced myself, told her i was friends with",
"mary. at which point she asked if i had anything",
"to apologize for. what? apologize for? and then",
"it hit me. i led on a sophomore, i was among her",
"closest friends and then i went to prom with",
"someone else, and posted pictures of it. she took",
"this as the rejection i never said, but because",
"it was never said earlier she thought we were",
"something more than friends.",
"i haven't seen or heard from her since, aside",
"from being blocked on social media."
] |
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it hit me. i led on a sophomore, i was among her closest friends and then i went to prom with
|
1 | 5 | 0.67 | 1 |
ok, obviously i didn't *actually* flip off a customer. i've been working at my fast food place for 2 years, and i know the power that customers hold in a place like that. too bad the guy who came in didn't know that.
so it was 8:30 tonight, and i was 10 minutes ahead of schedule. rejoice! i was also listening to 69.9fm, the drive, on the store radio. it was at 8:30 that already gone comes on. not the best song, but i was in a very good mood. so i do as any body in a good mood listening to a tune would do, i count it in. a 1, a 2, a 1, 2, 3, 4 distinguishable gestures with my index finger extended.
the song gets going and i go to the back to get started on those gosh-darn dishes. shortly after, the doorbell rings. i go up to the front and i see a 6'5'' dude standing at the counter and i start out with my good ol' "hey bud! what can i getcha?"
he responds with "it wasn't very nice of you to flip me off"... i was a little confused, but customers joke all the time so i just shot back "i didn't flip you off!" in what could be described as a jovially confused tone. i figured we would laugh at his unfunny joke and i could make his food, but no.
he get's serious. he says "i'm going to need your owner's name and number". uh what?? dude your joke wasn't *that* funny! apparently he had it in his head that i flipped him off when he was pulling up and i was counting in the song!! i wish i would have known what he was talking about at all! i wish i would have tried to explain that the music needed counting! but i was dumbstruck! my heart is falling like lead and i say "uh ok" and i go to the back to retrieve my boss's info when i realize that i can't! we aren't allowed to give personal information of the owner out to customers! it's a security measure as i understand it, but i've never asked.
so i go back up to the front and say "i'm sorry sir but i'm not allowed to give out that information" i offer to give him the store number and tell him hours that my boss is usually around but he refused! he said 'that's fine. your manager should be around tomorrow then?, i'll be in then" then he left! what the hell!?
i call up my boss and tell her what happened, she said to call my manager and tell her what happened and i do, and they respond positively i guess. i mean, my boss said it was ok, and she knows i wouldn't do that (because i *wouldn't*! i'm the customer service king! one time a lady left to her car to go get *more* money to put in the tip jar (my boss saw that little number, thank the lord)) i told my manager too and she just laughed. gee thanks a lot guys. i know this guy is wrong, and that the management is on my side already, but customers freak me out a little.
you people have no idea absolutely how much power you hold. you are unwieldy behemoths of authority, blissfully wandering and tumbling through our humble stores. sometimes though, you are aware of your power, and it is goddamn terrifying. all the good store management in the world can't stop this guy's boot going straight to my throat because i work for a corporate company. corporate doesn't care if i made 5,000 units of the store's best food, and frankly, they don't care if i flipped the guy off or not. they would rather please this guy and fire me, so they can have their potential future profit from him.
this guy had a look like officer tritter, from house m.d. and i'm worried about it. i know that it's just a stupid thing, but what if he's a store manager himself or something! what if *he's* higher up the chain than my employers?!
you might be thinking, "oh silly fault, just have them go back and check the cameras"... all i'm at liberty to say about the cameras is that they didn't reach where i was standing when i was counting in the song, but the front windows had a clear shot to where i was standing through the doorway to the back. sorry if that's cryptic, but our store is very particular about security info, and i just do what i'm told.
this guy might not even come in tomorrow. maybe it *was* all just an elaborate joke. a very bad joke. my boss assured me i'll be fine, but i don't know.
|
thought i was counting in a mediocre song by the eagles, was actually counting in a total day-ruiner.
|
flipping off a customer
|
[
"ok, obviously i didn't *actually* flip off a",
"customer. i've been working at my fast food place",
"for 2 years, and i know the power that customers",
"hold in a place like that. too bad the guy who",
"came in didn't know that.",
"so it was 8:30 tonight, and i was 10 minutes",
"ahead of schedule. rejoice! i was also listening",
"to 69.9fm, the drive, on the store radio. it was",
"at 8:30 that already gone comes on. not the best",
"song, but i was in a very good mood. so i do as",
"any body in a good mood listening to a tune would",
"do, i count it in. a 1, a 2, a 1, 2, 3, 4",
"distinguishable gestures with my index finger",
"extended.",
"the song gets going and i go to the back to get",
"started on those gosh-darn dishes. shortly after,",
"the doorbell rings. i go up to the front and i",
"see a 6'5'' dude standing at the counter and i",
"start out with my good ol' \"hey bud! what can i",
"getcha?\"",
"he responds with \"it wasn't very nice of you to",
"flip me off\"... i was a little confused, but",
"customers joke all the time so i just shot back",
"\"i didn't flip you off!\" in what could be",
"described as a jovially confused tone. i figured",
"we would laugh at his unfunny joke and i could",
"make his food, but no.",
"he get's serious. he says \"i'm going to need your",
"owner's name and number\". uh what?? dude your",
"joke wasn't *that* funny! apparently he had it in",
"his head that i flipped him off when he was",
"pulling up and i was counting in the song!! i",
"wish i would have known what he was talking about",
"at all! i wish i would have tried to explain that",
"the music needed counting! but i was dumbstruck!",
"my heart is falling like lead and i say \"uh ok\"",
"and i go to the back to retrieve my boss's info",
"when i realize that i can't! we aren't allowed to",
"give personal information of the owner out to",
"customers! it's a security measure as i",
"understand it, but i've never asked.",
"so i go back up to the front and say \"i'm sorry",
"sir but i'm not allowed to give out that",
"information\" i offer to give him the store number",
"and tell him hours that my boss is usually around",
"but he refused! he said 'that's fine. your",
"manager should be around tomorrow then?, i'll be",
"in then\" then he left! what the hell!?",
"i call up my boss and tell her what happened, she",
"said to call my manager and tell her what",
"happened and i do, and they respond positively i",
"guess. i mean, my boss said it was ok, and she",
"knows i wouldn't do that (because i *wouldn't*!",
"i'm the customer service king! one time a lady",
"left to her car to go get *more* money to put in",
"the tip jar (my boss saw that little number,",
"thank the lord)) i told my manager too and she",
"just laughed. gee thanks a lot guys. i know this",
"guy is wrong, and that the management is on my",
"side already, but customers freak me out a",
"little.",
"you people have no idea absolutely how much power",
"you hold. you are unwieldy behemoths of",
"authority, blissfully wandering and tumbling",
"through our humble stores. sometimes though, you",
"are aware of your power, and it is goddamn",
"terrifying. all the good store management in the",
"world can't stop this guy's boot going straight",
"to my throat because i work for a corporate",
"company. corporate doesn't care if i made 5,000",
"units of the store's best food, and frankly, they",
"don't care if i flipped the guy off or not. they",
"would rather please this guy and fire me, so they",
"can have their potential future profit from him.",
"this guy had a look like officer tritter, from",
"house m.d. and i'm worried about it. i know that",
"it's just a stupid thing, but what if he's a",
"store manager himself or something! what if",
"*he's* higher up the chain than my employers?!",
"you might be thinking, \"oh silly fault, just have",
"them go back and check the cameras\"... all i'm at",
"liberty to say about the cameras is that they",
"didn't reach where i was standing when i was",
"counting in the song, but the front windows had a",
"clear shot to where i was standing through the",
"doorway to the back. sorry if that's cryptic, but",
"our store is very particular about security info,",
"and i just do what i'm told.",
"this guy might not even come in tomorrow. maybe",
"it *was* all just an elaborate joke. a very bad",
"joke. my boss assured me i'll be fine, but i",
"don't know."
] |
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pulling up and i was counting in the song!! i
|
3 | 0 | 0.71 | 3 |
let me preface this post by stating that i’m a massive goober. i do dumb shit all day to keep myself amused, otherwise my shitty job would kill me. this story is also mildly interesting. if you’re looking for high-quality entertainment, i’m sorry to say that i probably can’t offer it to you here.
i work with my dad (building fences). today, we were working for a middle-aged couple.
i enjoy listening to [meshuggah](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d08jdw_vz5c). i enjoy swinging my head around in random directions as i listen to them, sometimes twitching my arms and leaning forwards or backwards with the polyrhythmic beat. and if i’m not actually listening to them, i pretend i am, and i toss my head around anyway. when i get into my sporadic groove, i look michael j. fox in one of those wobbly tunnels you see at theme parks. it feels great, but it looks horrible.
at this house, i didn’t think anyone was home except for myself and my dad. i was certain i witnessed the couple each leave the house at separate times. their cars didn’t seem anywhere nearby, either. i didn’t have headphones today, so it was time for my imagination to pick up the pieces. i was carrying a few rails when i first decided to start convulsing to the meshuggah beat in my mind. i was also happy about lunch being only 10 minutes away, so i was eager to put some effort into the movements. i was frowning at the ground, deliberately cross-eyed, while i stuck my jaw out and let the imaginary music possess me. i think i was even humming the general rhythm, too. i usually hum the beat in a lazy manner - basically a gurgle.
i walked along the boundary of the house, doing my thing, when i noticed a presence. i turn around... the couple are standing there, watching me. their faces were painted with confusion. the were holding each other, both facing me. the woman slowly glanced left to right. she wasn’t impressed. the man snickered under his breath.
2 hours passed. (lunch was okay, but nothing to write home about.)
i love animals. everyday, i do my best to save any creatures that are among the old fence we dismantle and take to the tip. sometimes i can’t save them, and it genuinely upsets me. dad thinks i’m too concerned about it. i don’t. once the new posts are in the ground, and we’ve poured concrete around them, our first day on the job is usually complete. i tend to walk along the posts and clean the bottom edges. i noticed a small ant struggling in a puddle of water near the post. i immediately got on my knees and devised a plan to save it. the puddle was surrounded by semi-wet concrete, and the ant was clearly uncomfortable. i tried picking the ant up, but it was too small and brittle. i then carefully used my finger to tap on the side of the puddle to create a mini wave. i was hoping it would push the ant to a safer edge, where i could either let it climb onto my hand, or watch it easily crawl away.
the wave didn’t help. i was getting anxious because the ant was starting to lose energy. maybe it wasn’t, but i was chastising myself for twice failing to save it, so i told myself it was on the brink of dying. i put my head on the ground and gently blew air from my mouth. my finger was behind the ant. the breeze lifted the ant onto my finger. success. nailed it. the ant was fine. it happily pounced off my finger and joined up with its buddies.
i hear a voice behind me. “you get it?” i turn around. the couple have been watching me again.
“you must really love ants,” the man said.
i shrugged and nervously responded. “yeah. i appreciate animals.” ^appreciate ^animals? ^urgh.
dad mocked me a little, and the couple just laughed quietly.
i stood up and acted like i had a phone call. no one was calling me, but i didn’t want to be near them, since i was embarrassed.
even worse, i tripped on a tree root on the way to dad’s work car (where i talk on the phone). it wasn’t an insane trip, though it was enough to get their attention. i lifted my legs after tripping, as if the trip wasn’t even a trip - just the introduction to me “stretching my legs and ankles”.
not keen on returning to that home tomorrow to finish the job. i hope they casually engage me/ignore me, and don’t mention a thing from today.
-------------------------------------------------
__
|
__ today i acted like a goober while pretending to listen to my favourite band and then awkwardly rescued a common ant while the owners of the house spectated, unbeknownst to me.
|
dancing and loving oft-overlooked animals
|
[
"let me preface this post by stating that i’m a",
"massive goober. i do dumb shit all day to keep",
"myself amused, otherwise my shitty job would kill",
"me. this story is also mildly interesting. if",
"you’re looking for high-quality entertainment,",
"i’m sorry to say that i probably can’t offer it",
"to you here.",
"i work with my dad (building fences). today, we",
"were working for a middle-aged couple.",
"i enjoy listening to",
"[meshuggah](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d08jd",
"w_vz5c).",
"i enjoy swinging my head around in random",
"directions as i listen to them, sometimes",
"twitching my arms and leaning forwards or",
"backwards with the polyrhythmic beat. and if i’m",
"not actually listening to them, i pretend i am,",
"and i toss my head around anyway. when i get into",
"my sporadic groove, i look michael j. fox in one",
"of those wobbly tunnels you see at theme parks.",
"it feels great, but it looks horrible.",
"at this house, i didn’t think anyone was home",
"except for myself and my dad. i was certain i",
"witnessed the couple each leave the house at",
"separate times. their cars didn’t seem anywhere",
"nearby, either. i didn’t have headphones today,",
"so it was time for my imagination to pick up the",
"pieces. i was carrying a few rails when i first",
"decided to start convulsing to the meshuggah beat",
"in my mind. i was also happy about lunch being",
"only 10 minutes away, so i was eager to put some",
"effort into the movements. i was frowning at the",
"ground, deliberately cross-eyed, while i stuck my",
"jaw out and let the imaginary music possess me. i",
"think i was even humming the general rhythm, too.",
"i usually hum the beat in a lazy manner -",
"basically a gurgle.",
"i walked along the boundary of the house, doing",
"my thing, when i noticed a presence. i turn",
"around... the couple are standing there, watching",
"me. their faces were painted with confusion. the",
"were holding each other, both facing me. the",
"woman slowly glanced left to right. she wasn’t",
"impressed. the man snickered under his breath.",
"2 hours passed. (lunch was okay, but nothing to",
"write home about.)",
"i love animals. everyday, i do my best to save",
"any creatures that are among the old fence we",
"dismantle and take to the tip. sometimes i can’t",
"save them, and it genuinely upsets me. dad thinks",
"i’m too concerned about it. i don’t. once the new",
"posts are in the ground, and we’ve poured",
"concrete around them, our first day on the job is",
"usually complete. i tend to walk along the posts",
"and clean the bottom edges. i noticed a small ant",
"struggling in a puddle of water near the post. i",
"immediately got on my knees and devised a plan to",
"save it. the puddle was surrounded by semi-wet",
"concrete, and the ant was clearly uncomfortable.",
"i tried picking the ant up, but it was too small",
"and brittle. i then carefully used my finger to",
"tap on the side of the puddle to create a mini",
"wave. i was hoping it would push the ant to a",
"safer edge, where i could either let it climb",
"onto my hand, or watch it easily crawl away.",
"the wave didn’t help. i was getting anxious",
"because the ant was starting to lose energy.",
"maybe it wasn’t, but i was chastising myself for",
"twice failing to save it, so i told myself it was",
"on the brink of dying. i put my head on the",
"ground and gently blew air from my mouth. my",
"finger was behind the ant. the breeze lifted the",
"ant onto my finger. success. nailed it. the ant",
"was fine. it happily pounced off my finger and",
"joined up with its buddies.",
"i hear a voice behind me. “you get it?” i turn",
"around. the couple have been watching me again.",
"“you must really love ants,” the man said.",
"i shrugged and nervously responded. “yeah. i",
"appreciate animals.” ^appreciate ^animals? ^urgh.",
"dad mocked me a little, and the couple just",
"laughed quietly.",
"i stood up and acted like i had a phone call. no",
"one was calling me, but i didn’t want to be near",
"them, since i was embarrassed.",
"even worse, i tripped on a tree root on the way",
"to dad’s work car (where i talk on the phone). it",
"wasn’t an insane trip, though it was enough to",
"get their attention. i lifted my legs after",
"tripping, as if the trip wasn’t even a trip -",
"just the introduction to me “stretching my legs",
"and ankles”.",
"not keen on returning to that home tomorrow to",
"finish the job. i hope they casually engage",
"me/ignore me, and don’t mention a thing from",
"today.",
"-------------------------------------------------",
"__"
] |
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i walked along the boundary of the house, doing i stood up and acted like i had a phone call. no just the introduction to me “stretching my legs today.
|
0 | 2 | 0.29 | 0 |
my good friend just did a semester abroad and needed a ride home from the airport. while abroad her phone was stolen so she bought herself a 'burner' phone, yknow the ones where you buy minutes or something or whatever.
anyways she's on birth control so everyday at 5pm her alarm rings telling her to take her birth control pill. well i picked her up at about 4:50 or so and she still has the burner in her phone. after some hugs and quick ctahing up she brings the phone out to show me and i tell her to just throw it away since it won't work here in the states, it's kind of ugly. you don't need it. so she finds the closest trashcan and tosses it... at about 4:59 and some seconds. well just a step or two after leaving it behind we here a pretty audible alarm ringtone go off from inside the trashcan. being dumb college kids the first thing we do is bolt.
it's 1 am and we haven't heard of anything about it on the news and no one has contacted us so i guess we're in the clear?
|
put phone in airport trashcan, birthcontrol alarm starts ringing soon after...
|
leaving a ringing phone in the trashcan of an airport
|
[
"my good friend just did a semester abroad and",
"needed a ride home from the airport. while abroad",
"her phone was stolen so she bought herself a",
"'burner' phone, yknow the ones where you buy",
"minutes or something or whatever.",
"anyways she's on birth control so everyday at 5pm",
"her alarm rings telling her to take her birth",
"control pill. well i picked her up at about 4:50",
"or so and she still has the burner in her phone.",
"after some hugs and quick ctahing up she brings",
"the phone out to show me and i tell her to just",
"throw it away since it won't work here in the",
"states, it's kind of ugly. you don't need it. so",
"she finds the closest trashcan and tosses it...",
"at about 4:59 and some seconds. well just a step",
"or two after leaving it behind we here a pretty",
"audible alarm ringtone go off from inside the",
"trashcan. being dumb college kids the first thing",
"we do is bolt.",
"it's 1 am and we haven't heard of anything about",
"it on the news and no one has contacted us so i",
"guess we're in the clear?"
] |
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] |
or so and she still has the burner in her phone. she finds the closest trashcan and tosses it...
|
0 | 1 | 0.5 | 0 |
a couple of days ago i helped my dad pick out some christmas gifts for my older brother. at the checkout page he recommended we have it sent to my neighbors house so my brother wouldn't see the packages. i agreed and sent them to my neighbors appartment. we live in a condo and we are pretty close to our neighbor, so my dad said to just make sure to mention the packages were going to her house. i of course proctastinated thinking, "it'll be fine. my dad will probably tell her." (aka no one told her). skip ahead two days to tonight at 1220am i hear a knock at the door. i open it abd she thanks me for the gifts. she said she just noticed them and was so happy. i've actually never seen someone this happy before. i tried explaining that they werent for her but she was just so happy. i failed my task of telling her they weren't for her. now the packages are at her house and i have to try and get them back. shes gonna be really confused if she pops one open and sees a twd compendium.
|
sent my brothers gifts to my neighbors house. i forgot to tell her they werent for her.
|
giving away my brothers christmas gifts.
|
[
"a couple of days ago i helped my dad pick out some",
"christmas gifts for my older brother. at the",
"checkout page he recommended we have it sent to",
"my neighbors house so my brother wouldn't see the",
"packages. i agreed and sent them to my neighbors",
"appartment. we live in a condo and we are pretty",
"close to our neighbor, so my dad said to just",
"make sure to mention the packages were going to",
"her house. i of course proctastinated thinking,",
"\"it'll be fine. my dad will probably tell her.\"",
"(aka no one told her). skip ahead two days to",
"tonight at 1220am i hear a knock at the door. i",
"open it abd she thanks me for the gifts. she said",
"she just noticed them and was so happy. i've",
"actually never seen someone this happy before. i",
"tried explaining that they werent for her but she",
"was just so happy. i failed my task of telling",
"her they weren't for her. now the packages are at",
"her house and i have to try and get them back.",
"shes gonna be really confused if she pops one",
"open and sees a twd compendium."
] |
[
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packages. i agreed and sent them to my neighbors her they weren't for her. now the packages are at
|
8 | 13 | 0.67 | 8 |
this is a tifu that i think every gamer has had a similar experience at least once in their life.
after a rough school year, my husband got me fallout 4 as a "congrats you didn't implode you deserve some fun" present. i've been playing at for about 4 days now and i'm really enjoying it. (as a side note, i'm a mother and fu bethesda with your tugging at my motherly heartstrings.)
so i've been exploring that wonderful wasteland and since the added a new builder mode, every piece of junk is valuable. see that beer bottle, pick it up. find a pencil, it's made of wood pick it up. duck tape, score! and so after a while of picking up every insignificant thing my inventory would become full and i would need to find a workbench and break this stuff down to it's raw materials. and bethesda was always their to help by putting workbenches right in the middle of explorable places. half way through exploring a factory and overburdened, "oh look a workbench". break stuff down and go pick up more stuff. i've been doing this for days now. until today.
i was watching my husband play (because it's his turn and i know how to share) when i noticed he was doing the same thing, but with an added step. he was then transferring the raw material from the workbench back into his inventory. and that's when it hit me. the workbench storage is not shared across all workbenches, it's just for each individual workbenches. *insert heartbreak and facepalm here*
four days. four days of grinding and exploring. about a quarter of the map explored and i have to go do it all again. i have to find each workbench that i came across and transfer the resources and then walk it every so slowly back to my main base. and i just know it's going to take me twice as long to gather everything up. there's a lesson in all this...somewhere, but that could just be the whiskey talking.
|
don't store your junk prematurely. get to home and then store it.
|
storing my junk where i shouldn't have
|
[
"this is a tifu that i think every gamer has had a",
"similar experience at least once in their life.",
"after a rough school year, my husband got me",
"fallout 4 as a \"congrats you didn't implode you",
"deserve some fun\" present. i've been playing at",
"for about 4 days now and i'm really enjoying it.",
"(as a side note, i'm a mother and fu bethesda",
"with your tugging at my motherly heartstrings.)",
"so i've been exploring that wonderful wasteland",
"and since the added a new builder mode, every",
"piece of junk is valuable. see that beer bottle,",
"pick it up. find a pencil, it's made of wood pick",
"it up. duck tape, score! and so after a while of",
"picking up every insignificant thing my inventory",
"would become full and i would need to find a",
"workbench and break this stuff down to it's raw",
"materials. and bethesda was always their to help",
"by putting workbenches right in the middle of",
"explorable places. half way through exploring a",
"factory and overburdened, \"oh look a workbench\".",
"break stuff down and go pick up more stuff. i've",
"been doing this for days now. until today.",
"i was watching my husband play (because it's his",
"turn and i know how to share) when i noticed he",
"was doing the same thing, but with an added step.",
"he was then transferring the raw material from",
"the workbench back into his inventory. and that's",
"when it hit me. the workbench storage is not",
"shared across all workbenches, it's just for each",
"individual workbenches. *insert heartbreak and",
"facepalm here*",
"four days. four days of grinding and exploring.",
"about a quarter of the map explored and i have to",
"go do it all again. i have to find each workbench",
"that i came across and transfer the resources and",
"then walk it every so slowly back to my main",
"base. and i just know it's going to take me twice",
"as long to gather everything up. there's a lesson",
"in all this...somewhere, but that could just be",
"the whiskey talking."
] |
[
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] |
individual workbenches. *insert heartbreak and then walk it every so slowly back to my main
|
4 | 3 | 0.86 | 4 |
this happened yesterday, i didn't even think to post about this until i saw the front page reddit today and saw maybe this fuck up was worth posting.
so i'm in korea visiting my family and friends. i was in seoul around the time everyone was leaving work to get home. not sure about other countries but the subway gets extremely crowded around this time and you have to squeeze in to get to where you want by a specific time.
i was with a friend that originally lives here and he told me that he had a date with his girlfriend, i was fine with this as i'm not used to staying out til 11pm-2am like other koreans around my age are so i said i would happily go home. he then reached inside his pocket grabbing a long strip of condoms, around 4-5 stuck together and he took one off and said "good luck" before stuffing the rest in my pocket and running off. i had little chance to speak as most people were slowly walking beside me and didn't want to scream anything related to what he just shoved inside my pocket.
anyway, i decided to get on the train, and since it's winter here, it's still quite cold so i decided to keep my hands in my pocket not worrying much about the condoms, thinking id just throw them away when i reach my destination. people started clearing out of the train as it got further and further to where people could stand around 1 meter away from each other (still quite a few people).
now here's where i fucked up, the train is usually quite gentle when it stops but around this area is quite old and it bumps and turns quite a few times. this old lady, around 60-70 next to me was searching in her handbag until the train suddenly makes a bumpy turn. this lady stumbles and was falling over in my direction. it wasn't enough that she'd fall on me but my instincts were to try and catch her fall.
i quickly took both my hands out of my pockets and saved her from a more painful fall and helped her up, then i realised people were staring at me, but more at the ground. that was the point i also realised that i while i was taking my hands out of my pocket the condoms flew out with it and were on the ground.
the most regretful thing was, i didn't pick them up. i fucking littered. there it was, "strawberry flavored condoms, extra durability" on the ground while people were getting off and on. about 15 minutes later, which honestly felt like hours, i finally got off, so did the old lady.
reminder: in korea, this stuff is a lot more taboo than countries like the states, people would laugh there but everyone on the train was just silent. dead silent. staring.
|
tried to help an old lady falling over while hands in pocket, condoms in pocket fell out and didnt pick them up leaving them for everyone to stare at
|
trying to help an old lady that was about to fall over
|
[
"this happened yesterday, i didn't even think to",
"post about this until i saw the front page reddit",
"today and saw maybe this fuck up was worth",
"posting.",
"so i'm in korea visiting my family and friends. i",
"was in seoul around the time everyone was leaving",
"work to get home. not sure about other countries",
"but the subway gets extremely crowded around this",
"time and you have to squeeze in to get to where",
"you want by a specific time.",
"i was with a friend that originally lives here",
"and he told me that he had a date with his",
"girlfriend, i was fine with this as i'm not used",
"to staying out til 11pm-2am like other koreans",
"around my age are so i said i would happily go",
"home. he then reached inside his pocket grabbing",
"a long strip of condoms, around 4-5 stuck",
"together and he took one off and said \"good luck\"",
"before stuffing the rest in my pocket and running",
"off. i had little chance to speak as most people",
"were slowly walking beside me and didn't want to",
"scream anything related to what he just shoved",
"inside my pocket.",
"anyway, i decided to get on the train, and since",
"it's winter here, it's still quite cold so i",
"decided to keep my hands in my pocket not",
"worrying much about the condoms, thinking id just",
"throw them away when i reach my destination.",
"people started clearing out of the train as it",
"got further and further to where people could",
"stand around 1 meter away from each other (still",
"quite a few people).",
"now here's where i fucked up, the train is",
"usually quite gentle when it stops but around",
"this area is quite old and it bumps and turns",
"quite a few times. this old lady, around 60-70",
"next to me was searching in her handbag until the",
"train suddenly makes a bumpy turn. this lady",
"stumbles and was falling over in my direction. it",
"wasn't enough that she'd fall on me but my",
"instincts were to try and catch her fall.",
"i quickly took both my hands out of my pockets",
"and saved her from a more painful fall and helped",
"her up, then i realised people were staring at",
"me, but more at the ground. that was the point i",
"also realised that i while i was taking my hands",
"out of my pocket the condoms flew out with it and",
"were on the ground.",
"the most regretful thing was, i didn't pick them",
"up. i fucking littered. there it was, \"strawberry",
"flavored condoms, extra durability\" on the ground",
"while people were getting off and on. about 15",
"minutes later, which honestly felt like hours, i",
"finally got off, so did the old lady.",
"reminder: in korea, this stuff is a lot more",
"taboo than countries like the states, people",
"would laugh there but everyone on the train was",
"just silent. dead silent. staring."
] |
[
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decided to keep my hands in my pocket not stumbles and was falling over in my direction. it the most regretful thing was, i didn't pick them finally got off, so did the old lady.
|
0 | 10 | 0.5 | 0 |
so, i was having cracked copy of windows 8. being a fan of new tech, i decided to install windows 10. but couldn't install windows 10 on cracked copy of win 8. suddenly i remembered that i had licensed copy of windows 7, and i could upgrade to windows 10 once i install windows 7.
now, i didn't have oem version of windows 7 that i had license of. i wasted my day downloading win 7 oem version, then installing it. later as anticipated, i got free upgrade to windows 10.
wasted another day downloading and installing windows 10 on my laptop.
now the real fu starts, i begin downloading drivers for my laptop, the drivers contain bios drivers as well. i begin installing the drivers and the laptop hangs.
now i can't do anything and the laptop is nothing more than a brick.
|
wasted two days upgrading windows 8 to windows 10 and later while installing bios, bricked the laptop.
|
flashing new bios on my laptop.
|
[
"so, i was having cracked copy of windows 8. being",
"a fan of new tech, i decided to install windows",
"10. but couldn't install windows 10 on cracked",
"copy of win 8. suddenly i remembered that i had",
"licensed copy of windows 7, and i could upgrade",
"to windows 10 once i install windows 7.",
"now, i didn't have oem version of windows 7 that",
"i had license of. i wasted my day downloading win",
"7 oem version, then installing it. later as",
"anticipated, i got free upgrade to windows 10.",
"wasted another day downloading and installing",
"windows 10 on my laptop.",
"now the real fu starts, i begin downloading",
"drivers for my laptop, the drivers contain bios",
"drivers as well. i begin installing the drivers",
"and the laptop hangs.",
"now i can't do anything and the laptop is nothing",
"more than a brick."
] |
[
0.8282458802496566,
0.43218203532913446,
0.30156762447159147,
0.2686341293551053,
0.514824009148405,
0.8839318499373963,
0,
0.31125086999602547,
0.6928428829535045,
0.7246908632461196,
1,
0.9087162959865995,
0.2246670341254994,
0.6796489719777631,
0.4887020676439536,
0.7940393494159356,
0.6436526785393313,
0
] |
to windows 10 once i install windows 7. wasted another day downloading and installing and the laptop hangs.
|
0 | 1 | 0.5 | 0 |
(obligatory this didn't happen today)
it all started in october 2014. i was in 8th grade. it was halloween and our school class did something special for that. they were going to let us eat subway on that day, which is a rare thing here where i live. i ordered a chicken and bacon ranch sandwich, which i liked. but i was sick on that day, so i only ate a little bit of it. unimportant to the story, but we were also allowed to bring drinks, and i had a code red mountain dew, which i drank completely. so i put it in my locker to bring home.
fast forward to the end of the school year, may 2015. we were cleaning out our lockers. i had noticed something smelled off since january. but finally in may, i looked at the bottom of my locker, and guess what is sitting at the bottom? the moldy, green, almost liquid sandwich. i don't have any pictures on the basis that i was more concerned with not dying, but it smelled like a dead skunk's decomposing ass. i didn't know what to do with it, so i said to my friend (who was right next to me the whole time) "i'm just gonna bring it home and throw it away." one of the teachers stopped me and threw it away, the whole time gagging, along with us and everybody in our 8th grade area. there were even a few classmates there too. and my geography teacher brought it up this year too, so...
|
left sandwich in locker for about 8 months, smelled like ass, people still seem to talk about it.
|
leaving a sandwich in a locker
|
[
"(obligatory this didn't happen today)",
"it all started in october 2014. i was in 8th",
"grade. it was halloween and our school class did",
"something special for that. they were going to",
"let us eat subway on that day, which is a rare",
"thing here where i live. i ordered a chicken and",
"bacon ranch sandwich, which i liked. but i was",
"sick on that day, so i only ate a little bit of",
"it. unimportant to the story, but we were also",
"allowed to bring drinks, and i had a code red",
"mountain dew, which i drank completely. so i put",
"it in my locker to bring home.",
"fast forward to the end of the school year, may",
"2015. we were cleaning out our lockers. i had",
"noticed something smelled off since january. but",
"finally in may, i looked at the bottom of my",
"locker, and guess what is sitting at the bottom?",
"the moldy, green, almost liquid sandwich. i don't",
"have any pictures on the basis that i was more",
"concerned with not dying, but it smelled like a",
"dead skunk's decomposing ass. i didn't know what",
"to do with it, so i said to my friend (who was",
"right next to me the whole time) \"i'm just gonna",
"bring it home and throw it away.\" one of the",
"teachers stopped me and threw it away, the whole",
"time gagging, along with us and everybody in our",
"8th grade area. there were even a few classmates",
"there too. and my geography teacher brought it up",
"this year too, so..."
] |
[
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it in my locker to bring home. concerned with not dying, but it smelled like a
|
149 | 111 | 0.55 | 149 |
this wasn't today. at the urging of several redditorsover several months, i present one of my greatest fuckups.
a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, i was hired to get the code for a company under control. they made gps tracking collars for animals. everything had grown organically, and so as an engineer they figure that i could get an organized codebase installed. i'd been programming since i was eight years old, and with fresh training they figured i would be ideal for getting organized, clean code.
i didn't know how to program in c, but i learned. i got a book and read up on the ideas and constraints. i learned about registers and bit-wise manipulation and all the rest. eventually i even got to the point where i was able to work out a bug between the chip manufacturer and the chip burner manufacturer to get the registers moved. that solved a global bug, so if you ever used a 10f20x with a quickwriter and it worked, you're welcome.
i also made the code modular, so when parts changes i could just use a different #include and it would work just fine. this was instrumental when the memory war ended. you may not know this, but before flash there were other architectures. we used seeprom, and we ordered literally the last 300 seeprom chips in the world to tide us over. they didn't have dies in them, so they were just dummies. "hey, nsa, can you fix this?" i could. we found a pin-compatible flash replacement, and i had already started on the skeleton, so three days later we had flash compatibility and we were good to go forever.
i also didn't know how to deploy a repository, so i read up on cvsnt and tortoise, and put those into place and made sure it all got backed up regularly. cvs and winmerge saved my butt so many times i feel like i owe the writers each a nice bottle of scotch.
anyway, one of the constraints with embedded code is your footprint. on a desktop, who gives a shit how much code you write? are you at a gig? forty gigs? fuck it, it compiles, ship it. not so in embedded; one of the chips i used had 24 bytes of ram and 512 bytes of flash, no registers. (no, i didn't forget a prefix. bytes.) i figured out a tip for using pointers to shrink the code footprint down from 99% to 92%, meaning we could add more features. (if i overused it, the footprint went up again, so it required some trial and error.) time of day, satellite sight checks, seasonal changes, all kinds of stuff.
when i re-wrote the gps parsing library to use pointers, i missed (missed) a pipe. fuck. it was supposed to look something like this:
gps.longitude = rs232_longitude_degrees_tens;
gps.longitude >> 4;
gps.longitude |= rs232_longitude_degrees_ones;
but i fucked up the pipe, so it was
gps.longitude = rs232_longitude_degrees_ones;
so the tenths digit of longitude was always 0, meaning that there was a 400-mile wide swath it could have been at. it got through so many tests and even to a test customer who god damn him happened to live where that data was actually valid. the screenshot even made it into the *fucking manual* where it could mock me. it wasn't until i re-wrote the vb parsing program to deal with leading zeroes that we noticed the problem in all its motherfucking majesty.
i found out what was going on when i got a call from a coyote researcher in rhode island. she asked why the coyotes were always on the highway. well, that's because it likely has a clean line of sight to the sky -- i shit you not, there's a highway right on the 0s in rhode island. okay, she asks, then why are the also in the middle of the ocean?
i answered, “coyotes don't rent speedboats, do they?”
for the record, they do not.
when i saw the bug, i knew exactly what i'd fucked up. i said something to the customer when i saw it. “i have to go. i see what i did wrong.” it wasn't a maybe thing, it was immediately obvious. maybe if i'd paid more attention. maybe if my now-ex-wife's pregnancy wasn't complicated and we'd been wondering if a late-term abortion was required to save her life. (the kid in question is now 9, and the ex is quite happy with her new partner.) maybe if i'd had more experience.
but no, none of those maybes were true, and i'd fucked it up, all by myself. we'd sent a hundred collars to the government of india to eventually get every tiger in the world fitted with a collar. their goal was to find every poacher and murder them; they deserved it, frankly. but no, i fucked it up. the government of china wanted collars for hanguls (deer) to see if they'd work for pandas too. but no, i fucked it up.
the company went out of the animal tracking side, because there was more money to be made in tracking people. less customization as well, since the manufacturers (microchip) would program an incremental id number into the chip for $0.37 a chip when you bought a reel. that was a lot less than i was being paid, so they “went in a new direction”. one without me. the ceo brought in an independent auditor so see if i was sabotaging the code on purpose, and instead i got a reference and a quote saying my code is “better than most”. i'm proud of that human tracking code, it was solid and the way i wrote it cut down on the codebase from 10k+ versions down to 2, 1 of which was deprecated.
eventually the tech was sold to lo-jack. i ran into a person wearing a wrist tracker at a party and it was still running after ten years, only requiring battery changes. that code is the brains behind the project lifesaver transmitters, and that project has saved thousands of lives. (the real thanks for that belong to the people who go out looking for the people who go wandering.)
i found out years later that most of the collars that got sent out worked awesome. crocodiles, wolverines, dolphins, whales, even some torpedoes. it was a bad batch of about 50 that had the shitty code. it was patchable, but only with power tools and physical contact. (those with bad data could not be fixed after the fact, but was useful anyway.)
so in order to fix the collars, the ceo of the company went to india to meet with the government officials to reprogram the firmware in tranquilized tigers. from what i understand, the tigers did survive and the data was eventually used to track some poachers who ... let's be diplomatic and say they fared worse than the tigers.
all right, i'm going to karaoke. good night.
|
the government of india shot a tiger because i made a typo.
|
making the government of india shoot some tigers.
|
[
"this wasn't today. at the urging of several",
"redditorsover several months, i present one of my",
"greatest fuckups.",
"a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, i was",
"hired to get the code for a company under",
"control. they made gps tracking collars for",
"animals. everything had grown organically, and",
"so as an engineer they figure that i could get an",
"organized codebase installed. i'd been",
"programming since i was eight years old, and with",
"fresh training they figured i would be ideal for",
"getting organized, clean code.",
"i didn't know how to program in c, but i learned.",
"i got a book and read up on the ideas and",
"constraints. i learned about registers and",
"bit-wise manipulation and all the rest.",
"eventually i even got to the point where i was",
"able to work out a bug between the chip",
"manufacturer and the chip burner manufacturer to",
"get the registers moved. that solved a global",
"bug, so if you ever used a 10f20x with a",
"quickwriter and it worked, you're welcome.",
"i also made the code modular, so when parts",
"changes i could just use a different #include and",
"it would work just fine. this was instrumental",
"when the memory war ended. you may not know",
"this, but before flash there were other",
"architectures. we used seeprom, and we ordered",
"literally the last 300 seeprom chips in the world",
"to tide us over. they didn't have dies in them,",
"so they were just dummies. \"hey, nsa, can you",
"fix this?\" i could. we found a pin-compatible",
"flash replacement, and i had already started on",
"the skeleton, so three days later we had flash",
"compatibility and we were good to go forever.",
"i also didn't know how to deploy a repository, so",
"i read up on cvsnt and tortoise, and put those",
"into place and made sure it all got backed up",
"regularly. cvs and winmerge saved my butt so",
"many times i feel like i owe the writers each a",
"nice bottle of scotch.",
"anyway, one of the constraints with embedded code",
"is your footprint. on a desktop, who gives a",
"shit how much code you write? are you at a gig?",
"forty gigs? fuck it, it compiles, ship it. not",
"so in embedded; one of the chips i used had 24",
"bytes of ram and 512 bytes of flash, no",
"registers. (no, i didn't forget a prefix.",
"bytes.) i figured out a tip for using pointers",
"to shrink the code footprint down from 99% to",
"92%, meaning we could add more features. (if i",
"overused it, the footprint went up again, so it",
"required some trial and error.) time of day,",
"satellite sight checks, seasonal changes, all",
"kinds of stuff.",
"when i re-wrote the gps parsing library to use",
"pointers, i missed (missed) a pipe. fuck. it",
"was supposed to look something like this:",
"gps.longitude = rs232_longitude_degrees_tens;",
"gps.longitude >> 4;",
"gps.longitude |=",
"rs232_longitude_degrees_ones;",
"but i fucked up the pipe, so it was",
"gps.longitude = rs232_longitude_degrees_ones;",
"so the tenths digit of longitude was always 0,",
"meaning that there was a 400-mile wide swath it",
"could have been at. it got through so many tests",
"and even to a test customer who god damn him",
"happened to live where that data was actually",
"valid. the screenshot even made it into the",
"*fucking manual* where it could mock me. it",
"wasn't until i re-wrote the vb parsing program to",
"deal with leading zeroes that we noticed the",
"problem in all its motherfucking majesty.",
"i found out what was going on when i got a call",
"from a coyote researcher in rhode island. she",
"asked why the coyotes were always on the highway.",
"well, that's because it likely has a clean line",
"of sight to the sky -- i shit you not, there's a",
"highway right on the 0s in rhode island. okay,",
"she asks, then why are the also in the middle of",
"the ocean?",
"i answered, “coyotes don't rent speedboats, do",
"they?”",
"for the record, they do not.",
"when i saw the bug, i knew exactly what i'd",
"fucked up. i said something to the customer when",
"i saw it. “i have to go. i see what i did",
"wrong.” it wasn't a maybe thing, it was",
"immediately obvious. maybe if i'd paid more",
"attention. maybe if my now-ex-wife's pregnancy",
"wasn't complicated and we'd been wondering if a",
"late-term abortion was required to save her life.",
"(the kid in question is now 9, and the ex is",
"quite happy with her new partner.) maybe if i'd",
"had more experience.",
"but no, none of those maybes were true, and i'd",
"fucked it up, all by myself. we'd sent a hundred",
"collars to the government of india to eventually",
"get every tiger in the world fitted with a",
"collar. their goal was to find every poacher and",
"murder them; they deserved it, frankly. but no,",
"i fucked it up. the government of china wanted",
"collars for hanguls (deer) to see if they'd work",
"for pandas too. but no, i fucked it up.",
"the company went out of the animal tracking side,",
"because there was more money to be made in",
"tracking people. less customization as well,",
"since the manufacturers (microchip) would program",
"an incremental id number into the chip for $0.37",
"a chip when you bought a reel. that was a lot",
"less than i was being paid, so they “went in a",
"new direction”. one without me. the ceo brought",
"in an independent auditor so see if i was",
"sabotaging the code on purpose, and instead i got",
"a reference and a quote saying my code is “better",
"than most”. i'm proud of that human tracking",
"code, it was solid and the way i wrote it cut",
"down on the codebase from 10k+ versions down to",
"2, 1 of which was deprecated.",
"eventually the tech was sold to lo-jack. i ran",
"into a person wearing a wrist tracker at a party",
"and it was still running after ten years, only",
"requiring battery changes. that code is the",
"brains behind the project lifesaver transmitters,",
"and that project has saved thousands of lives.",
"(the real thanks for that belong to the people",
"who go out looking for the people who go",
"wandering.)",
"i found out years later that most of the collars",
"that got sent out worked awesome. crocodiles,",
"wolverines, dolphins, whales, even some",
"torpedoes. it was a bad batch of about 50 that",
"had the shitty code. it was patchable, but only",
"with power tools and physical contact. (those",
"with bad data could not be fixed after the fact,",
"but was useful anyway.)",
"so in order to fix the collars, the ceo of the",
"company went to india to meet with the government",
"officials to reprogram the firmware in",
"tranquilized tigers. from what i understand, the",
"tigers did survive and the data was eventually",
"used to track some poachers who ... let's be",
"diplomatic and say they fared worse than the",
"tigers.",
"all right, i'm going to karaoke. good night."
] |
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collars to the government of india to eventually
|
1 | 6 | 0.6 | 1 |
so its december 23rd here in new zealand and as you can imagine its almost the worst possible time to do my full drivers licence test but it was the only time that was available.
it's very busy on the roads and i am pretty stressed trying to do everything perfectly while naming hazards and what to do about them out loud. we come up to a 5 finger roundabout and the testing officer says "do a u-turn at the roundabout." and i'm sure everyone here reading this will say well that's simple all you have to do is drive all the way around the roundabout and exit where beside where you came in. i on the other hand had never heard anyone ever say do a u-turn at a roundabout, sure i knew drive all the way around or take the 5th exit. in my mind i was thinking what the hell, you can't just do a u-turn, your crazy that's not legal. but sure enough i was too nervous to think of another way around doing this move that didn't even exist. so i waited till it was all safe and started turning into the oncoming lane which was met with some screaming and moving the wheel by the testing officer before i realised what she meant by do a u-turn at the roundabout. immediate failure. as an added bonus i had to drive all the way back to the testing station thinking about how retarded i am.
|
testing officer told me to do a u-turn at the roundabout and in a moment of retardation i tried to turn into the oncoming lanes and go back the way i came.
|
trying to do a u-turn at a roundabout
|
[
"so its december 23rd here in new zealand and as",
"you can imagine its almost the worst possible",
"time to do my full drivers licence test but it",
"was the only time that was available.",
"it's very busy on the roads and i am pretty",
"stressed trying to do everything perfectly while",
"naming hazards and what to do about them out",
"loud. we come up to a 5 finger roundabout and the",
"testing officer says \"do a u-turn at the",
"roundabout.\" and i'm sure everyone here reading",
"this will say well that's simple all you have to",
"do is drive all the way around the roundabout and",
"exit where beside where you came in. i on the",
"other hand had never heard anyone ever say do a",
"u-turn at a roundabout, sure i knew drive all the",
"way around or take the 5th exit. in my mind i was",
"thinking what the hell, you can't just do a",
"u-turn, your crazy that's not legal. but sure",
"enough i was too nervous to think of another way",
"around doing this move that didn't even exist. so",
"i waited till it was all safe and started turning",
"into the oncoming lane which was met with some",
"screaming and moving the wheel by the testing",
"officer before i realised what she meant by do a",
"u-turn at the roundabout. immediate failure. as",
"an added bonus i had to drive all the way back to",
"the testing station thinking about how retarded i",
"am."
] |
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testing officer says "do a u-turn at the do is drive all the way around the roundabout and into the oncoming lane which was met with some
|
94 | 34 | 0.87 | 94 |
to preface this, this is me screaming into the void. i don't think i'll ever be comfortable sharing this with anyone i know and it'd be difficult to fully capture in a conversation, so here i am. throwaway for reasons that are probably clear. and as always, this didn't happen today.
so a couple of months back during a bout of dankruptcy, i decided it would be a brilliant idea to give synthetics another go. i had used them 2 years prior without issue and figured, "how different could they be?" i'm fully aware how insane this sounds, smoking a unknown assortment of questionably legal chemicals and herbs, but despite being what i'd call a fairly rational person typically, my addict brain finds ways to just block that doubt out. i like to think i'm a functioning marijuana enthusiast, but i know i'm an addict and it's really just fortunate i haven't gone harder than weed. so the package arrives in 2 days (shout out to priority mail), i open it and there's a small silver pouch. i've already forgotten the brand. interestingly, it wasn't the brand i had ordered, but ultimately it's just a dice roll with this stuff anyway, so i wasn't concerned. i sat at my desk, filled my bowl, took 2 small tokes, set the bowl down, and waited. i started a youtube video, but i felt a sudden head rush. i move to my bed and lay on back. things seemed fine so i wasn't worried. a little headrush isn't anything to be concerned about. as i'm staring at the ceiling my vision began to drop back. it's hard to explain. it was subtle at first. it felt as if my eyes were deeper in my head. the best i can describe it was i fell an existence level deeper. i felt separate from my body, like i was looking out of my eyes more like windows than direct sensory input. at this point i realize i no longer notice sensation in the rest of my body. i'm hearing noise (thanks, youtube autoplay) but i have no idea what is being said. i'm freaking out in my head at this point. "i don't even know what's going" on as i writhe around. and then i get a grip and say "just wait it out. your body will cleanse itself naturally. just wait it out." only, it dawns on me that this isn't something my liver would normally encounter. this is a chemical made with wanton disregard for safety, the latest in a series legal only because they are faster than the fda. there is no accountability or liability. there is no guarantee that this will clear my system. and i just sit there a moment with that thought. "what is going on? please stop. it'll be fine. just wait it out. i don't even know what he is talking about." he. it's at this point i realize that there's another voice. and it's not youtube. it had been responding to everything i said. "what the fuck. what is that." it just seemed to laugh. at this point i start wretching and the headache that has been slowly building reaches its high point. "what the fuck" *wretch* he laughs. "how is this even possible?" *wretch* another laugh. "what is this?" i'm trapped in my body with a voice that's mocking me. he tells me not to worry. i'm screaming in my head. it feels as if he is the personification of the chemicals themselves, like a demon waiting to possess. in the height of my panic, staring into the thought of being a schizophrenic vegetable, i vomit and pass out. i wake up in what i can only describe as a brain infinite loop. i'm having these same three thoughts over and over in succession, each sequence ending in a large zap. i would imagine it's similar to what some ssri users feel during withdrawals. i have no senses at this point. the cycle continues over and over and over and over. on some level i'm realizing that this could be it. i could be stuck in this forever. my family will walk and in see me writhing in pain after not hearing from me for a few days, call paramedics, take me to the hospital where they determine there's nothing they can do, and my family will have to live with this husk of their loved one, supporting me until i die, all the while i'm in this torment. with this voice. after what felt like an eternity, i pass out and awake in my own vomit. i pass out a few more times before finally having the strength to stand. i clean up the mess, throw the shit away, and do my best to suppress the memory.
i will not soon forget it though. the quote from my inner monologue "how is this even possible?", feeling possessed and trapped, that will stick with me for a long time.
|
smoked some herbal incense, got a chance to feel what it'd be like to be a schizophrenic vegetable
|
smoking "herbal incense"
|
[
"to preface this, this is me screaming into the",
"void. i don't think i'll ever be comfortable",
"sharing this with anyone i know and it'd be",
"difficult to fully capture in a conversation, so",
"here i am. throwaway for reasons that are",
"probably clear. and as always, this didn't happen",
"today.",
"so a couple of months back during a bout of",
"dankruptcy, i decided it would be a brilliant",
"idea to give synthetics another go. i had used",
"them 2 years prior without issue and figured,",
"\"how different could they be?\" i'm fully aware",
"how insane this sounds, smoking a unknown",
"assortment of questionably legal chemicals and",
"herbs, but despite being what i'd call a fairly",
"rational person typically, my addict brain finds",
"ways to just block that doubt out. i like to",
"think i'm a functioning marijuana enthusiast, but",
"i know i'm an addict and it's really just",
"fortunate i haven't gone harder than weed. so the",
"package arrives in 2 days (shout out to priority",
"mail), i open it and there's a small silver",
"pouch. i've already forgotten the brand.",
"interestingly, it wasn't the brand i had ordered,",
"but ultimately it's just a dice roll with this",
"stuff anyway, so i wasn't concerned. i sat at my",
"desk, filled my bowl, took 2 small tokes, set the",
"bowl down, and waited. i started a youtube video,",
"but i felt a sudden head rush. i move to my bed",
"and lay on back. things seemed fine so i wasn't",
"worried. a little headrush isn't anything to be",
"concerned about. as i'm staring at the ceiling my",
"vision began to drop back. it's hard to explain.",
"it was subtle at first. it felt as if my eyes",
"were deeper in my head. the best i can describe",
"it was i fell an existence level deeper. i felt",
"separate from my body, like i was looking out of",
"my eyes more like windows than direct sensory",
"input. at this point i realize i no longer notice",
"sensation in the rest of my body. i'm hearing",
"noise (thanks, youtube autoplay) but i have no",
"idea what is being said. i'm freaking out in my",
"head at this point. \"i don't even know what's",
"going\" on as i writhe around. and then i get a",
"grip and say \"just wait it out. your body will",
"cleanse itself naturally. just wait it out.\"",
"only, it dawns on me that this isn't something my",
"liver would normally encounter. this is a",
"chemical made with wanton disregard for safety,",
"the latest in a series legal only because they",
"are faster than the fda. there is no",
"accountability or liability. there is no",
"guarantee that this will clear my system. and i",
"just sit there a moment with that thought. \"what",
"is going on? please stop. it'll be fine. just",
"wait it out. i don't even know what he is talking",
"about.\" he. it's at this point i realize that",
"there's another voice. and it's not youtube. it",
"had been responding to everything i said. \"what",
"the fuck. what is that.\" it just seemed to laugh.",
"at this point i start wretching and the headache",
"that has been slowly building reaches its high",
"point. \"what the fuck\" *wretch* he laughs. \"how",
"is this even possible?\" *wretch* another laugh.",
"\"what is this?\" i'm trapped in my body with a",
"voice that's mocking me. he tells me not to",
"worry. i'm screaming in my head. it feels as if",
"he is the personification of the chemicals",
"themselves, like a demon waiting to possess. in",
"the height of my panic, staring into the thought",
"of being a schizophrenic vegetable, i vomit and",
"pass out. i wake up in what i can only describe",
"as a brain infinite loop. i'm having these same",
"three thoughts over and over in succession, each",
"sequence ending in a large zap. i would imagine",
"it's similar to what some ssri users feel during",
"withdrawals. i have no senses at this point. the",
"cycle continues over and over and over and over.",
"on some level i'm realizing that this could be",
"it. i could be stuck in this forever. my family",
"will walk and in see me writhing in pain after",
"not hearing from me for a few days, call",
"paramedics, take me to the hospital where they",
"determine there's nothing they can do, and my",
"family will have to live with this husk of their",
"loved one, supporting me until i die, all the",
"while i'm in this torment. with this voice. after",
"what felt like an eternity, i pass out and awake",
"in my own vomit. i pass out a few more times",
"before finally having the strength to stand. i",
"clean up the mess, throw the shit away, and do my",
"best to suppress the memory.",
"i will not soon forget it though. the quote from",
"my inner monologue \"how is this even possible?\",",
"feeling possessed and trapped, that will stick",
"with me for a long time."
] |
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of being a schizophrenic vegetable, i vomit and it's similar to what some ssri users feel during
|
128 | 34 | 0.89 | 128 |
this fu in truth happened last week, but didn't hit me until this evening.
lately, my head chef at work has been giving me the cold shoulder.
a hairy eyeball here, a turnt-up nose there, and generally just treating me like a dirty leper. at first, it felt good to get him off my back. this year has been a taxing one after losing several experienced cooks. but until today, the stress had been unbearable, and i was dying to know what the hell i managed to do without knowing it. so today, i asked the sous(pervisor) what was up his ass.
but first let me get to the day last week in question.
i was called into work on my day off last week to help the sous chef after the head chef had to leave unexpectedly. sous tells me that while straining to lift the meat slicer back onto the table after cleaning it, he fucked up some kind of pre-existing sore spot on his leg near his crotch. our general manager lets him leave so he can rush to the hospital. with what naivete we have, we crack a few busted balls and butt-hurt baby jokes before busting the day out and going home. next day, head chef is back, and in clear duress.
with a visibly pained limp and a sullen look on his face, he addresses the kitchen before going out for a smoke with sous; as is tradition. when they got back, the gloom had spread. however, as most anyone that works in a kitchen can tell you, there is often precious little time to worry about anything other than your work. so we all hunker down and forget about it.
except me.
throughout the day's seldom smoke breaks, i maneuver my last to coincide with head chef's; to see if i can eek a little morsel of juicy info out of him about the day prior. we chefs are natural bullshitters and take relish in having ammunition to slam each other with. a little humor makes the day go by faster when your office is 115°f. we are crass and vulgar and have little to no conversational filter when speaking among ourselves. it's a great work environment, really. thing is, head chef is stonewalling me. cant bullshit the bullshitter. conversation shifts totally away from what i had intended and i forget about it. he ends up talking about when he first got his glasses. halloween at six years old his mother hands head chef in a cowboy outfit his first pair of glasses. he swiftly tossed them, saying "cowboys don't wear glasses!"
we laugh, and he quips, "you didn't see john wayne wearing any damn glasses."
to which i reply, "maybe if he did, he would have seen the ass-cancer coming!"
everyone gets a giggle and we move along back inside. everyone, but head chef. not even a smirk.
fast forward to tonight. here i am at sous' place catching a buzz and i finally convince him to tell me what has been eating at head chef. turns out last week, when he left early on my day off, he went to the hospital and received some troubling news. the strain he put on his groin had swollen the lymph nodes in his leg. leading his doctor to believe that he may have lymphoma. he came in the next day stressed the fuck out about it, and i made a cancer joke.
i don't know if there is a hell. but if there is, i think satan has a seat reserved just for me.
|
next time you want to make the bigger badder joke, just shut the fuck up.
|
inadvertently making the most distasteful joke of my life.
|
[
"this fu in truth happened last week, but didn't",
"hit me until this evening.",
"lately, my head chef at work has been giving me",
"the cold shoulder.",
"a hairy eyeball here, a turnt-up nose there, and",
"generally just treating me like a dirty leper. at",
"first, it felt good to get him off my back. this",
"year has been a taxing one after losing several",
"experienced cooks. but until today, the stress",
"had been unbearable, and i was dying to know what",
"the hell i managed to do without knowing it. so",
"today, i asked the sous(pervisor) what was up his",
"ass.",
"but first let me get to the day last week in",
"question.",
"i was called into work on my day off last week to",
"help the sous chef after the head chef had to",
"leave unexpectedly. sous tells me that while",
"straining to lift the meat slicer back onto the",
"table after cleaning it, he fucked up some kind",
"of pre-existing sore spot on his leg near his",
"crotch. our general manager lets him leave so he",
"can rush to the hospital. with what naivete we",
"have, we crack a few busted balls and butt-hurt",
"baby jokes before busting the day out and going",
"home. next day, head chef is back, and in clear",
"duress.",
"with a visibly pained limp and a sullen look on",
"his face, he addresses the kitchen before going",
"out for a smoke with sous; as is tradition. when",
"they got back, the gloom had spread. however, as",
"most anyone that works in a kitchen can tell you,",
"there is often precious little time to worry",
"about anything other than your work. so we all",
"hunker down and forget about it.",
"except me.",
"throughout the day's seldom smoke breaks, i",
"maneuver my last to coincide with head chef's; to",
"see if i can eek a little morsel of juicy info",
"out of him about the day prior. we chefs are",
"natural bullshitters and take relish in having",
"ammunition to slam each other with. a little",
"humor makes the day go by faster when your office",
"is 115°f. we are crass and vulgar and have little",
"to no conversational filter when speaking among",
"ourselves. it's a great work environment, really.",
"thing is, head chef is stonewalling me. cant",
"bullshit the bullshitter. conversation shifts",
"totally away from what i had intended and i",
"forget about it. he ends up talking about when he",
"first got his glasses. halloween at six years old",
"his mother hands head chef in a cowboy outfit his",
"first pair of glasses. he swiftly tossed them,",
"saying \"cowboys don't wear glasses!\"",
"we laugh, and he quips, \"you didn't see john",
"wayne wearing any damn glasses.\"",
"to which i reply, \"maybe if he did, he would have",
"seen the ass-cancer coming!\"",
"everyone gets a giggle and we move along back",
"inside. everyone, but head chef. not even a",
"smirk.",
"fast forward to tonight. here i am at sous' place",
"catching a buzz and i finally convince him to",
"tell me what has been eating at head chef. turns",
"out last week, when he left early on my day off,",
"he went to the hospital and received some",
"troubling news. the strain he put on his groin",
"had swollen the lymph nodes in his leg. leading",
"his doctor to believe that he may have lymphoma.",
"he came in the next day stressed the fuck out",
"about it, and i made a cancer joke.",
"i don't know if there is a hell. but if there is,",
"i think satan has a seat reserved just for me."
] |
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there is often precious little time to worry he came in the next day stressed the fuck out
|
3 | 3 | 0.67 | 3 |
so, back when i acquired my first smartphone a few years ago i found out plugging it in my pc charges the phone. to plug it in a normal outlet i would have to put it on the floor; if i plug it in my pc the phone can just sit on my desk. the latter just seemed more convenient.
after a few years i finally got an outlet close enough to my desk... so i just started using it. now it still took me a while to figure out because i'm not checking my phone that regularly while it's charging, but the damn thing charges up at least twice as fast. i've had so many problems because my phone was half-charged the past few years... and i could've easily figured it out if i just thought about it.
|
the most convenient method can be deceiving. spent a few good years with my phone half-charged.
|
because i didn't want to put my phone on the floor
|
[
"so, back when i acquired my first smartphone a few",
"years ago i found out plugging it in my pc",
"charges the phone. to plug it in a normal outlet",
"i would have to put it on the floor; if i plug it",
"in my pc the phone can just sit on my desk. the",
"latter just seemed more convenient.",
"after a few years i finally got an outlet close",
"enough to my desk... so i just started using it.",
"now it still took me a while to figure out",
"because i'm not checking my phone that regularly",
"while it's charging, but the damn thing charges",
"up at least twice as fast. i've had so many",
"problems because my phone was half-charged the",
"past few years... and i could've easily figured",
"it out if i just thought about it."
] |
[
1,
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] |
after a few years i finally got an outlet close problems because my phone was half-charged the
|
3 | 1 | 1 | 3 |
tifu by being in a hurry. my fuck up occurred today, and being late is the story of my life. i have two little girls that always have some type of drama that adds to my tardiness.
my friend offered to watch my girls for a few days this week because she is taking vacation time and she is glutton for punishment. my kids typically attend day care, and i thought it was only fair if i drove them to her house since she is watching them for free.
i have been extra forgetful lately, and i always have a hard time differentiating her house from the others in her subdivision. i pulled up into her driveway as she called my phone. i let her know i was running late as usual and had just arrived. she offered to open her garage, but i declined because i am a horrible driver. she asked me not to ring the doorbell because her dogs and other family members were asleep. i sat there for a moment waiting for her to come outside, but when she didn't i proceeded to get my kids out the car and walk up to the house. i checked the door knob to see if it was unlocked so we could go inside. i turned the handle and ushered the kids in so that i could be on my way. i stood there for a minute whispering "hello," and greeted her cat. i can't ever remember that stupid cat's name. wait......i thought her cat was black. i don't remember her washing machine being out of the open either. that's when i realized i was in the wrong damn house. i start shouting in a whisper "get in the car!" but the girls become upset because they think i am not going to let them stay with my friend.
i finally drag them back to the car, jump in panicked, and put my car quickly into reverse. did i mention i'm a bad driver? in my panic, i didn't look behind me because i was trying to avoid getting myself and my children murdered. yep, i backed into a car parked on the side of the street.
|
in my haste this morning, i almost dropped my children off at the wrong person's house. then, i backed into someone's car trying to leave.
|
being in a hurry.
|
[
"tifu by being in a hurry. my fuck up occurred",
"today, and being late is the story of my life. i",
"have two little girls that always have some type",
"of drama that adds to my tardiness.",
"my friend offered to watch my girls for a few",
"days this week because she is taking vacation",
"time and she is glutton for punishment. my kids",
"typically attend day care, and i thought it was",
"only fair if i drove them to her house since she",
"is watching them for free.",
"i have been extra forgetful lately, and i always",
"have a hard time differentiating her house from",
"the others in her subdivision. i pulled up into",
"her driveway as she called my phone. i let her",
"know i was running late as usual and had just",
"arrived. she offered to open her garage, but i",
"declined because i am a horrible driver. she",
"asked me not to ring the doorbell because her",
"dogs and other family members were asleep. i sat",
"there for a moment waiting for her to come",
"outside, but when she didn't i proceeded to get",
"my kids out the car and walk up to the house. i",
"checked the door knob to see if it was unlocked",
"so we could go inside. i turned the handle and",
"ushered the kids in so that i could be on my way.",
"i stood there for a minute whispering \"hello,\"",
"and greeted her cat. i can't ever remember that",
"stupid cat's name. wait......i thought her cat",
"was black. i don't remember her washing machine",
"being out of the open either. that's when i",
"realized i was in the wrong damn house. i start",
"shouting in a whisper \"get in the car!\" but the",
"girls become upset because they think i am not",
"going to let them stay with my friend.",
"i finally drag them back to the car, jump in",
"panicked, and put my car quickly into reverse.",
"did i mention i'm a bad driver? in my panic, i",
"didn't look behind me because i was trying to",
"avoid getting myself and my children murdered.",
"yep, i backed into a car parked on the side of",
"the street."
] |
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] |
realized i was in the wrong damn house. i start avoid getting myself and my children murdered. yep, i backed into a car parked on the side of
|
0 | 1 | 0.56 | 0 |
this was a few years ago. i bought my first ipod touch, and was anxious to connect it to the internet so i could use apps from the app-store. but for the life of me, i couldn’t get the darn thing to connect to the home wi-fi. it would detect the network, but after entering the password it came up with an error message and failed to connect. i reset the ipod, restored factory settings, updated it etc. i tried everything that google said i should do. finally i gave up and resigned myself to the fact that i won’t be browsing facebook wirelessly in bed. about 2 years later i thought i’d give it another shot, being older and wiser surely i can get it to work. but again i failed. then my sister’s boyfriend comes around while i’m ranting to my family about how the stupid thing won’t accept the password, and he casually says “maybe it’s case-sensitive”.
typed the password in all caps and connected first try. desperately wished i could have the last 2 years of life back.
|
went 2 years thinking my ipod’s wi-fi connectivity was broken, turns out the password was case-sensitive (duh).
|
thinking my ipod was broken for 2 years (but actually i'm just stupid).
|
[
"this was a few years ago. i bought my first ipod",
"touch, and was anxious to connect it to the",
"internet so i could use apps from the app-store.",
"but for the life of me, i couldn’t get the darn",
"thing to connect to the home wi-fi. it would",
"detect the network, but after entering the",
"password it came up with an error message and",
"failed to connect. i reset the ipod, restored",
"factory settings, updated it etc. i tried",
"everything that google said i should do. finally",
"i gave up and resigned myself to the fact that i",
"won’t be browsing facebook wirelessly in bed.",
"about 2 years later i thought i’d give it another",
"shot, being older and wiser surely i can get it",
"to work. but again i failed. then my sister’s",
"boyfriend comes around while i’m ranting to my",
"family about how the stupid thing won’t accept",
"the password, and he casually says “maybe it’s",
"case-sensitive”.",
"typed the password in all caps and connected",
"first try. desperately wished i could have the",
"last 2 years of life back."
] |
[
0.9085985773844849,
0.44368228097890045,
0.050562616167333777,
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] |
the password, and he casually says “maybe it’s case-sensitive”. last 2 years of life back.
|
48 | 9 | 0.87 | 48 |
so naturally like most tifus this didn't happen today, this actually happened on christmas about 15 years ago. i was 6 at the time. now i loved christmas when i was 6, like i almost wouldn't sleep for the whole week leading up to christmas because i just couldn't wait to see what presents i got for christmas. they weren't always the best gifts or what i wanted, but i didn't care i was a 6 year old who just loved opening the gift itself.
now to set the scene this is the morning of christmas, i woke up at about 6-7am and ran downstairs to see if there was anything special from santa this year. (spoiler alert if you don't know the truth about santa or don't know what i'm talking about stop reading here) my parents sometimes setup cool toys and stuff that were already built and everything by the tree in the mornings from 'santa'. this year there wasn't any of that, just a large sack of gifts to me from santa and the other gifts that had already been under the tree prior to this day.
so being the excited 6 year old i was i wanted to get to opening right away. but i was the only one awake at the time, so i figured i'd give it an hour then go wake everyone up if they weren't already. so i sat down and watched some tv. an hour goes by, nobody is awake yet. so i run up to my parents bedroom and go wake up my mother, yell at her (in my best excited 6 year old, don't wake up dad voice) that its christmas and it's time to wake up. she says that she needs a little more sleep and tells me to wait a while longer. i tell her that i'm too excited to wait and really want to go open all my nice presents. at which point she says shes going to sleep more and rolls back over.
now this part i'm a little hazy on according to my mother, because i believe i remember asking her if i could open just one present to sate my excitement and remember her saying yes. she says she doesn't remember me asking at all, but she was half asleep at the time so what does she know.
so this is where the tifu really starts. i run back downstairs find the biggest present with the most promise and open that bad boy up. it was a board game based on toy story. so i open it and play around a while. eventually getting bored with myself and my one present, so i start ogling all the other presents next to me under the tree. time wise it was a little after 10am. i'd now been up almost 4 hours on christmas and had only opened one present. so i start getting really curious about the other stuff under the tree. what other goodies could be in that wrapping paper? i decided to find out for myself since no one else was getting up to enjoy christmas with me. i end up opening the other presents, but not just my presents. no, every present under the tree. this takes me some time cause i liked to look at some of them and was still unsure at the time if i should be doing this so i'm keeping one ear open. i finish opening everything and go back to watching tv and playing with some of my presents while i wait for everyone to come down and see what a good job i did opening everything for them.
eventually everyone comes downstairs and it's a little before noon. when they reach the bottom stair and see me sitting next to all the opened presents and loads of wrapping paper they just sit stunned. my dad then starts yelling at me while i'm over here trying to proclaim innocence because mom told me i could open one (not that that makes up for all the others i opened) and finally sends me to my room.
i don't actually remember what happened afterward other than being stuck in my room most of the rest of christmas, but i do remember that every year after the first person who woke up on christmas would wake up everyone, and we'd all go down and open presents together then and there. no sleeping in.
|
i'm the 6 year old grinch who stole christmas.
|
ruining christmas
|
[
"so naturally like most tifus this didn't happen",
"today, this actually happened on christmas about",
"15 years ago. i was 6 at the time. now i loved",
"christmas when i was 6, like i almost wouldn't",
"sleep for the whole week leading up to christmas",
"because i just couldn't wait to see what presents",
"i got for christmas. they weren't always the best",
"gifts or what i wanted, but i didn't care i was a",
"6 year old who just loved opening the gift",
"itself.",
"now to set the scene this is the morning of",
"christmas, i woke up at about 6-7am and ran",
"downstairs to see if there was anything special",
"from santa this year. (spoiler alert if you don't",
"know the truth about santa or don't know what i'm",
"talking about stop reading here) my parents",
"sometimes setup cool toys and stuff that were",
"already built and everything by the tree in the",
"mornings from 'santa'. this year there wasn't any",
"of that, just a large sack of gifts to me from",
"santa and the other gifts that had already been",
"under the tree prior to this day.",
"so being the excited 6 year old i was i wanted to",
"get to opening right away. but i was the only one",
"awake at the time, so i figured i'd give it an",
"hour then go wake everyone up if they weren't",
"already. so i sat down and watched some tv. an",
"hour goes by, nobody is awake yet. so i run up to",
"my parents bedroom and go wake up my mother, yell",
"at her (in my best excited 6 year old, don't wake",
"up dad voice) that its christmas and it's time to",
"wake up. she says that she needs a little more",
"sleep and tells me to wait a while longer. i tell",
"her that i'm too excited to wait and really want",
"to go open all my nice presents. at which point",
"she says shes going to sleep more and rolls back",
"over.",
"now this part i'm a little hazy on according to",
"my mother, because i believe i remember asking",
"her if i could open just one present to sate my",
"excitement and remember her saying yes. she says",
"she doesn't remember me asking at all, but she",
"was half asleep at the time so what does she",
"know.",
"so this is where the tifu really starts. i run",
"back downstairs find the biggest present with the",
"most promise and open that bad boy up. it was a",
"board game based on toy story. so i open it and",
"play around a while. eventually getting bored",
"with myself and my one present, so i start ogling",
"all the other presents next to me under the tree.",
"time wise it was a little after 10am. i'd now",
"been up almost 4 hours on christmas and had only",
"opened one present. so i start getting really",
"curious about the other stuff under the tree.",
"what other goodies could be in that wrapping",
"paper? i decided to find out for myself since no",
"one else was getting up to enjoy christmas with",
"me. i end up opening the other presents, but not",
"just my presents. no, every present under the",
"tree. this takes me some time cause i liked to",
"look at some of them and was still unsure at the",
"time if i should be doing this so i'm keeping one",
"ear open. i finish opening everything and go back",
"to watching tv and playing with some of my",
"presents while i wait for everyone to come down",
"and see what a good job i did opening everything",
"for them.",
"eventually everyone comes downstairs and it's a",
"little before noon. when they reach the bottom",
"stair and see me sitting next to all the opened",
"presents and loads of wrapping paper they just",
"sit stunned. my dad then starts yelling at me",
"while i'm over here trying to proclaim innocence",
"because mom told me i could open one (not that",
"that makes up for all the others i opened) and",
"finally sends me to my room.",
"i don't actually remember what happened afterward",
"other than being stuck in my room most of the",
"rest of christmas, but i do remember that every",
"year after the first person who woke up on",
"christmas would wake up everyone, and we'd all go",
"down and open presents together then and there.",
"no sleeping in."
] |
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6 year old who just loved opening the gift
|
20 | 15 | 0.81 | 20 |
like many folks this weekend i went and saw star wars: the force awakens. i had the day off and decided to take in an early showing to avoid crowds and enjoy the experience in as much public solitude as possible. i chose a theater with reserved seating and purposefully chose a seat in the 2nd to final row, off to the side and away from the existing reservation majority in the center of the theater. i can't stand when people talk or walk around in movies and this was as close as i could get to eliminating all chances of that. oh how wrong i was.
i got there right on time and there were very few people in the theater but right where i expected them to be. upon taking my seat it seemed my plan had worked...until the movie actually started.
lights go down, the infamous scrolling text is doing it's thing, i'm ready to journey to a galaxy far far away. until my trance is interrupted by a late arrival, he chooses the same row i'm in and a seat on the other side of me so he wedges past uncomfortably. fine, that's cool, he's seated and we're good.
another late arrival, a couple this time, starts making their way up and chooses the very last row behind me along with seats behind mine off to the left a bit. awesome. but it's still cool, we're all watching the movie and it's still peaceful, for a time.
the gentleman in my row leaves the theater a good 15 times throughout the course of the movie, inching past me each time for a total of 30 passes. around pass number 8, i'm getting pretty fucking annoyed when the couple behind me becomes seemingly disinterested in the movie and starts talking to each other about their nephews birthday party, an obviously pressing matter that must be attended to during a fucking movie.
but i digress. needless to say i've about had it at this point when a hear a sharp continuous beeping from my back left (where the couple is seated). i can't fucking believe these people, talking during the movie then they leave their cell phone notification shit on. so i turn around and ask them in a rather forceful way if they could please be decent humans and shut off their mouths and phones.
they look confused at my outburst when i suddenly realize that the beeping was piece of medical machinery in the movie and the directional sound of the movie speakers just fucked my world and made me think it was these people's phones.
so i'm apologizing and trying to explain but now i'm the one talking in the theater, much to the annoyance of my fellow movie patrons, which gets me much shushing and death stares. i could only slink down in embarrassment and plan my swift exit as soon as the movie ended.
this was the first time i've gone to the theaters in about a year and i don't think i'll be going back anytime soon.
|
sounds in the movie made me think a couple behind me had left their cell phone notifications on. an accumulation of annoyances made this the final straw in a movie meltdown turned massively embarrassing experience that has now left me traumatized by movie theaters.
|
going to see star wars: the force awakens. (no spoilers here)
|
[
"like many folks this weekend i went and saw star",
"wars: the force awakens. i had the day off and",
"decided to take in an early showing to avoid",
"crowds and enjoy the experience in as much public",
"solitude as possible. i chose a theater with",
"reserved seating and purposefully chose a seat in",
"the 2nd to final row, off to the side and away",
"from the existing reservation majority in the",
"center of the theater. i can't stand when people",
"talk or walk around in movies and this was as",
"close as i could get to eliminating all chances",
"of that. oh how wrong i was.",
"i got there right on time and there were very few",
"people in the theater but right where i expected",
"them to be. upon taking my seat it seemed my plan",
"had worked...until the movie actually started.",
"lights go down, the infamous scrolling text is",
"doing it's thing, i'm ready to journey to a",
"galaxy far far away. until my trance is",
"interrupted by a late arrival, he chooses the",
"same row i'm in and a seat on the other side of",
"me so he wedges past uncomfortably. fine, that's",
"cool, he's seated and we're good.",
"another late arrival, a couple this time, starts",
"making their way up and chooses the very last row",
"behind me along with seats behind mine off to the",
"left a bit. awesome. but it's still cool, we're",
"all watching the movie and it's still peaceful,",
"for a time.",
"the gentleman in my row leaves the theater a good",
"15 times throughout the course of the movie,",
"inching past me each time for a total of 30",
"passes. around pass number 8, i'm getting pretty",
"fucking annoyed when the couple behind me becomes",
"seemingly disinterested in the movie and starts",
"talking to each other about their nephews",
"birthday party, an obviously pressing matter that",
"must be attended to during a fucking movie.",
"but i digress. needless to say i've about had it",
"at this point when a hear a sharp continuous",
"beeping from my back left (where the couple is",
"seated). i can't fucking believe these people,",
"talking during the movie then they leave their",
"cell phone notification shit on. so i turn around",
"and ask them in a rather forceful way if they",
"could please be decent humans and shut off their",
"mouths and phones.",
"they look confused at my outburst when i suddenly",
"realize that the beeping was piece of medical",
"machinery in the movie and the directional sound",
"of the movie speakers just fucked my world and",
"made me think it was these people's phones.",
"so i'm apologizing and trying to explain but now",
"i'm the one talking in the theater, much to the",
"annoyance of my fellow movie patrons, which gets",
"me much shushing and death stares. i could only",
"slink down in embarrassment and plan my swift",
"exit as soon as the movie ended.",
"this was the first time i've gone to the theaters",
"in about a year and i don't think i'll be going",
"back anytime soon."
] |
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of that. oh how wrong i was. another late arrival, a couple this time, starts fucking annoyed when the couple behind me becomes seemingly disinterested in the movie and starts cell phone notification shit on. so i turn around made me think it was these people's phones.
|
5 | 7 | 0.75 | 5 |
happened yesterday. it’s been a tight year and i was excited for christmas this year because i managed to save up $200 to buy my wife a nice gift. i took the day off of work and had made plans to check out several stores. i already knew what she wanted and what i wanted to get her.
however, the temptation of a day off was too great and i started to wonder if i could get away with doing all my christmas shopping online? fifteen minutes later i had found exactly what i needed and was feeling pretty good about myself. until i reached for my wallet… whoops.
i knocked over a bottle of water and shorted the laptop. i need this computer for work, so instead of getting my wife a christmas gift this year, i’ll be explaining to her that i had to purchase a new motherboard instead - all because i didn’t want to go outside.
|
tried to shop online to avoid the christmas masses, destroyed my laptop in the process
|
being lazy and buying my wife christmas gifts online
|
[
"happened yesterday. it’s been a tight year and i",
"was excited for christmas this year because i",
"managed to save up $200 to buy my wife a nice",
"gift. i took the day off of work and had made",
"plans to check out several stores. i already knew",
"what she wanted and what i wanted to get her.",
"however, the temptation of a day off was too",
"great and i started to wonder if i could get away",
"with doing all my christmas shopping online?",
"fifteen minutes later i had found exactly what i",
"needed and was feeling pretty good about myself.",
"until i reached for my wallet… whoops.",
"i knocked over a bottle of water and shorted the",
"laptop. i need this computer for work, so instead",
"of getting my wife a christmas gift this year,",
"i’ll be explaining to her that i had to purchase",
"a new motherboard instead - all because i didn’t",
"want to go outside."
] |
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] |
with doing all my christmas shopping online? want to go outside.
|
7 | 6 | 0.84 | 7 |
you all know that one guy at school. the funny guy. that one guy that can make an situation hilarious with a well-timed joke. you go on his facebook/twitter profile, where he's killing it on social media too.
i found out today that isn't me. heard a group of guys who usually like/share all of my stuff on facebook. talking about how stupid i am. felt bad the rest of the day, didn't say much. people actually thanked me after class for not talking.
in their defense, i should've picked up their mocking tones when talking to me long ago. in my defense, i wasn't born in virginia, so i might've just thought that's how people talked here for 12 years. at least i'm a senior and will be out soon.
|
i'm hilarious, but only ironically.
|
finding out i'm not actually funny.
|
[
"you all know that one guy at school. the funny",
"guy. that one guy that can make an situation",
"hilarious with a well-timed joke. you go on his",
"facebook/twitter profile, where he's killing it",
"on social media too.",
"i found out today that isn't me. heard a group of",
"guys who usually like/share all of my stuff on",
"facebook. talking about how stupid i am. felt bad",
"the rest of the day, didn't say much. people",
"actually thanked me after class for not talking.",
"in their defense, i should've picked up their",
"mocking tones when talking to me long ago. in my",
"defense, i wasn't born in virginia, so i might've",
"just thought that's how people talked here for 12",
"years. at least i'm a senior and will be out",
"soon."
] |
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0,
0,
1,
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hilarious with a well-timed joke. you go on his
|
9 | 5 | 0.93 | 9 |
so i walked into religion studies yesterday before our teacher walked in. i decided to troll my friend (lets call him bob). i go up to the teachers desk and grab the first whiteboard marker, now here is the fuck up, i grabbed a permanent one, i went up to the board and wrote "ayyy pepe - by bob". now i walk back to the teacher desk, drop the pen and run back to my desk, laughing and joking with my friends, meanwhile bob is laughing as well. the teacher walks in, places his stuff on the desk and goes to clear the board, as he cleans it, i immediately regret ever walking up to that board with a pen, he tries to rub it off and its not coming off the board. everyone in class sounds howling "oooooooohhh!!!! /u/nveedeeuh is in trouble". i have never been more embarrassed in my life. i was forced to go down to the student reception and get cleaning wipes and some window spray to literally scrub/wipe it off the board, everyone was making fun of me.
|
used a permanent marker by mistake, wrote a meme on the whiteboard, didn't come off, forced to scrub it off.
|
using permanent marker
|
[
"so i walked into religion studies yesterday before",
"our teacher walked in. i decided to troll my",
"friend (lets call him bob). i go up to the",
"teachers desk and grab the first whiteboard",
"marker, now here is the fuck up, i grabbed a",
"permanent one, i went up to the board and wrote",
"\"ayyy pepe - by bob\". now i walk back to the",
"teacher desk, drop the pen and run back to my",
"desk, laughing and joking with my friends,",
"meanwhile bob is laughing as well. the teacher",
"walks in, places his stuff on the desk and goes",
"to clear the board, as he cleans it, i",
"immediately regret ever walking up to that board",
"with a pen, he tries to rub it off and its not",
"coming off the board. everyone in class sounds",
"howling \"oooooooohhh!!!! /u/nveedeeuh is in",
"trouble\". i have never been more embarrassed in",
"my life. i was forced to go down to the student",
"reception and get cleaning wipes and some window",
"spray to literally scrub/wipe it off the board,",
"everyone was making fun of me."
] |
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marker, now here is the fuck up, i grabbed a permanent one, i went up to the board and wrote spray to literally scrub/wipe it off the board,
|
7 | 3 | 0.88 | 7 |
obligatory "happened months ago"
so i used to hang out with some friends since 2010. i moved up to a private school after year 6 in 2009 so lost a load of friends. luckily i found a small group of around 7 or 8 people. over my high school years i became pretty good friends until recently one started trying to have all the friends for himself, so i eventually started hanging out with another friend.
this other friend, let's call him e, was friends with a totally different group of people. i'd seen these people around but never spoken to them, and now i was becoming friends with them slowly. this was around 2014. one kid in the group, let's call him v, unfortunately had to go through his father passing away around 2 years earlier. thing is, i only heard about it in passing so never knew about the full story, if it was true etc.
so the fuckup begins when we're hanging out on the stairs, around 4 of us including me. v and e are there too. my parents split in 2010 (all good now) so somehow the conversation managed to get to me talking about the awful shit the inhuman fiend my dad was with for four years did (she's out of the picture now, thank god) and e's parents were split too, but that kind of amicable friendship kind of separation. so e talks about his dad for a bit, then the other kid, let's call him c, says something about his parents not being split up. i think he noticed suddenly that v was a bit on edge because he thought we'd forgotten about his dad and we'd ask him, so he tried to steer the convo in a different direction.
well, numbskull here didn't pick up on it whatsoever. i turn to him and casually ask "so what about your-" and before i even finish the sentence he just straight up mutters "my dads dead" and looks at the floor. c and e both wince and i panic and try to ask if we should get some lunch, but v continues.
"everyone complains about their dads and shit, but i loved mine and he's dead"
i'm like, fully embarrassed and dying inside with guilt at this point, and c and e like agree with him in the same tone someone would at a funeral. then this silence just hits us and we don't speak for ages, it was awful. eventually we go to lunch and never speak about it again. i still feel bad today and wish i would have thought about what i was going to say before i just went in and blurted it out. sorry v.
|
killed a conversation by bringing up a deceased parent of a friend and was punished with deadly silence.
|
bringing up a touchy subject with a new group of friends.
|
[
"obligatory \"happened months ago\"",
"so i used to hang out with some friends since",
"2010. i moved up to a private school after year 6",
"in 2009 so lost a load of friends. luckily i",
"found a small group of around 7 or 8 people. over",
"my high school years i became pretty good friends",
"until recently one started trying to have all the",
"friends for himself, so i eventually started",
"hanging out with another friend.",
"this other friend, let's call him e, was friends",
"with a totally different group of people. i'd",
"seen these people around but never spoken to",
"them, and now i was becoming friends with them",
"slowly. this was around 2014. one kid in the",
"group, let's call him v, unfortunately had to go",
"through his father passing away around 2 years",
"earlier. thing is, i only heard about it in",
"passing so never knew about the full story, if it",
"was true etc.",
"so the fuckup begins when we're hanging out on",
"the stairs, around 4 of us including me. v and e",
"are there too. my parents split in 2010 (all good",
"now) so somehow the conversation managed to get",
"to me talking about the awful shit the inhuman",
"fiend my dad was with for four years did (she's",
"out of the picture now, thank god) and e's",
"parents were split too, but that kind of amicable",
"friendship kind of separation. so e talks about",
"his dad for a bit, then the other kid, let's call",
"him c, says something about his parents not being",
"split up. i think he noticed suddenly that v was",
"a bit on edge because he thought we'd forgotten",
"about his dad and we'd ask him, so he tried to",
"steer the convo in a different direction.",
"well, numbskull here didn't pick up on it",
"whatsoever. i turn to him and casually ask \"so",
"what about your-\" and before i even finish the",
"sentence he just straight up mutters \"my dads",
"dead\" and looks at the floor. c and e both wince",
"and i panic and try to ask if we should get some",
"lunch, but v continues.",
"\"everyone complains about their dads and shit,",
"but i loved mine and he's dead\"",
"i'm like, fully embarrassed and dying inside with",
"guilt at this point, and c and e like agree with",
"him in the same tone someone would at a funeral.",
"then this silence just hits us and we don't speak",
"for ages, it was awful. eventually we go to lunch",
"and never speak about it again. i still feel bad",
"today and wish i would have thought about what i",
"was going to say before i just went in and",
"blurted it out. sorry v."
] |
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hanging out with another friend. with a totally different group of people. i'd them, and now i was becoming friends with them
|
57 | 66 | 0.95 | 57 |
so the realization of the fuck up is today, while it actually happened a week and a half ago.
as i was reading through the roommate lease to make the check out to, i thought the named looked a little different than what the ad said her name was. "well, maybe i'm just tired from work and such." so i grab the lease to make sure and look at the original ad and sure enough, the names are different. this is where i start realizing the fuck up:
i type the name on the lease into google and it explodes with all this information (including her personal site) about this type of cult, how she communicates while the "lizzards" and "aliens" on the other planets. it goes way, way deeper than i can even explain here. what really got me, was she isn't just a local hit..she's international. i was even listening to this podcast where they were talking about how we have robots living among us pretending to be human beings and such. really fucking weird.
so now i'm kind of nervous being around the house and what not. i've noticed it seems like she goes through my room as i've noticed curtains open when i know for sure i closed them. i asked about that and it was "to let the air flow free in the house." okay i said...i'm a guy...i workout...probably a hint i stink. well, i think it's some supernatual stuff instead as other things have been out of place.
i've really no idea what to do at this point, but hoping since it's just a 3 month lease i can survive and move on. the biggest problem is that on her website, she has her home address (also her office) so anyone can mail in payments. well, what if someone wants to bash in a window? again, i'm a little freaked out.
i probably didn't include everything in here, so feel free to ask if you've any questions.
|
signed a lease and googled the name of my roommate, found out she's a huge cult leader. a little freaked out.
|
moving in with the leader of a cult.
|
[
"so the realization of the fuck up is today, while",
"it actually happened a week and a half ago.",
"as i was reading through the roommate lease to",
"make the check out to, i thought the named looked",
"a little different than what the ad said her name",
"was. \"well, maybe i'm just tired from work and",
"such.\" so i grab the lease to make sure and look",
"at the original ad and sure enough, the names are",
"different. this is where i start realizing the",
"fuck up:",
"i type the name on the lease into google and it",
"explodes with all this information (including her",
"personal site) about this type of cult, how she",
"communicates while the \"lizzards\" and \"aliens\" on",
"the other planets. it goes way, way deeper than i",
"can even explain here. what really got me, was",
"she isn't just a local hit..she's international.",
"i was even listening to this podcast where they",
"were talking about how we have robots living",
"among us pretending to be human beings and such.",
"really fucking weird.",
"so now i'm kind of nervous being around the house",
"and what not. i've noticed it seems like she goes",
"through my room as i've noticed curtains open",
"when i know for sure i closed them. i asked about",
"that and it was \"to let the air flow free in the",
"house.\" okay i said...i'm a guy...i",
"workout...probably a hint i stink. well, i think",
"it's some supernatual stuff instead as other",
"things have been out of place.",
"i've really no idea what to do at this point, but",
"hoping since it's just a 3 month lease i can",
"survive and move on. the biggest problem is that",
"on her website, she has her home address (also",
"her office) so anyone can mail in payments. well,",
"what if someone wants to bash in a window? again,",
"i'm a little freaked out.",
"i probably didn't include everything in here, so",
"feel free to ask if you've any questions."
] |
[
0.1250400232671038,
0.08833592782917182,
0.029085145913057935,
0.13767458469065155,
0.170146515393023,
0.047188437274609606,
0.07285250737101916,
0.05497293014579526,
0.02711125758978296,
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0.1345248319052496,
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0.06000983892251435,
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0.04036511355399959,
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0.11072789938382616,
0.03881912386679083,
0.13320065186536323,
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0.03483401391173384,
0.057626531788916975,
0.06259821300661174,
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0.13756576615980318,
0,
0.101783542559712,
0.05550967529757506,
0,
0,
0.041179800531685254,
1,
0,
0
] |
i type the name on the lease into google and it i'm a little freaked out.
|
4 | 6 | 1 | 4 |
just happened. coming off a crowded subway, i see a lady pulling a luggage cart with some stuff on top up the stairs. i ask if i can help, she says ok. we carry it up in tandem, her pulling and me lifting from below. things go well the first two flights, but halfway through the third flight a gust of subway wind starts blowing her skirt up. she starts bowing down trying to cover her undies because about 30 people were below us looking. i'm oblivious and look up to see what's going on. see panties, panic for a second. after a few awkward seconds of looking away while trying not to drop all her stuff i recover and grab the luggage, get up the stairs, place it down and run away.
|
doing something nice for a stranger, saw panties, ran away
|
helping someone carry stuff up stairs
|
[
"just happened. coming off a crowded subway, i",
"see a lady pulling a luggage cart with some stuff",
"on top up the stairs. i ask if i can help, she",
"says ok. we carry it up in tandem, her pulling",
"and me lifting from below. things go well the",
"first two flights, but halfway through the third",
"flight a gust of subway wind starts blowing her",
"skirt up. she starts bowing down trying to cover",
"her undies because about 30 people were below us",
"looking. i'm oblivious and look up to see what's",
"going on. see panties, panic for a second.",
"after a few awkward seconds of looking away while",
"trying not to drop all her stuff i recover and",
"grab the luggage, get up the stairs, place it",
"down and run away."
] |
[
0.008724935492091758,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
1,
0.03664163805769239,
0,
0,
0.6123226111290875
] |
going on. see panties, panic for a second. down and run away.
|
7 | 4 | 1 | 7 |
so i just came back from studying abroad and have been staying at my parents house until i move into my college apartment on monday. the house is in a quiet town, kind of suburb-ish. the backyard ends with woods and hiking trails.
anyways, my 80 year old aunt said she had a litter of kittens living underneath her porch. the only human contact they had was her feeding them in the morning, which she couldn't afford to do for much longer. my sister and i went on july 14 and spent an hour luring one into a cat carrier. we surprised our mom and she was not too happy at first. neither our mom, nor the kitten, would talk to us for 2 days haha. we discussed that the kitten was mine. i would be taking care of him and he'd be coming with me to my new apartment. things got much better after 3 days. we discovered he was a boy kitty and i named him caesar (i studied in rome). he quickly became very sociable with humans and you could never tell he was ever feral.
my mom has had two male yellow labradors since 2003 and a female cat since 2005. caesar was scared of the dogs at first but now they love each other. the cat is another story. caesar is a tiny energetic fur ball and always wants to play. he charges straight at her and she's just not about that life. they've never physically fought but she does hiss when he's nearby. for 10 years she always liked to go outside during the daytime to hunt smaller animals and chill with the dogs. i let her out yesterday morning and she hasn't been back since. she has a collar on but no phone# tag.
i now have this looming feeling that she ran away because of caesar. i hate that i'll never know for sure and he'll be moving with me in a few days.
|
an 8 week old kitten disturbed the pet balance already established for 10 years. female cat said fuck that noise and peace'd out
|
rescuing a feral kitten
|
[
"so i just came back from studying abroad and have",
"been staying at my parents house until i move",
"into my college apartment on monday. the house is",
"in a quiet town, kind of suburb-ish. the backyard",
"ends with woods and hiking trails.",
"anyways, my 80 year old aunt said she had a",
"litter of kittens living underneath her porch.",
"the only human contact they had was her feeding",
"them in the morning, which she couldn't afford to",
"do for much longer. my sister and i went on july",
"14 and spent an hour luring one into a cat",
"carrier. we surprised our mom and she was not too",
"happy at first. neither our mom, nor the kitten,",
"would talk to us for 2 days haha. we discussed",
"that the kitten was mine. i would be taking care",
"of him and he'd be coming with me to my new",
"apartment. things got much better after 3 days.",
"we discovered he was a boy kitty and i named him",
"caesar (i studied in rome). he quickly became",
"very sociable with humans and you could never",
"tell he was ever feral.",
"my mom has had two male yellow labradors since",
"2003 and a female cat since 2005. caesar was",
"scared of the dogs at first but now they love",
"each other. the cat is another story. caesar is a",
"tiny energetic fur ball and always wants to play.",
"he charges straight at her and she's just not",
"about that life. they've never physically fought",
"but she does hiss when he's nearby. for 10 years",
"she always liked to go outside during the daytime",
"to hunt smaller animals and chill with the dogs.",
"i let her out yesterday morning and she hasn't",
"been back since. she has a collar on but no",
"phone# tag.",
"i now have this looming feeling that she ran",
"away because of caesar. i hate that i'll never",
"know for sure and he'll be moving with me in a",
"few days."
] |
[
0.008196102114583543,
0,
0.0698879830780192,
0.07491808384003111,
0.02684147981646629,
0.23293227556760673,
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0.07458125315760099,
0.07129537524612638,
0.09201787215657276,
0.12351466116845389,
0.013425989745993183,
0.0689933228441408,
0.0716567886365966,
0.15027013013633608,
0.0008957363780493674,
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0.028736886538480357,
0,
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0.46548979247865535,
0.041314202632677106,
0.0577197755776936,
0.01406320072133705,
0.009644646187781707,
0.08272021423315513,
1,
0.07533879725208513,
0.015138243760694555,
0.11948993351183514,
0,
0,
0.11570504395479989,
0.11506537372898751,
0.09285225606043918,
0
] |
that the kitten was mine. i would be taking care 2003 and a female cat since 2005. caesar was but she does hiss when he's nearby. for 10 years
|
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