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0 | 5 | 0.25 | 0 |
today me and my bro skipped school cause my mom wouldn't be home all day (getting her massage license renewed) but came home with my little sis cause she was "sick".
we heard the door unlock so we both ran and hid, my bro hid behind our movable dishwasher and me in my sisters closet. my mom seen my brother pretty quick he went in the room and got yelled at came up with a bullshit excuse and is off scot free-ish.
after my mom was talking with him and never found me (cause im a slick son of a gun) ran to my room and hid on my top bunk bed and put pillows over me. we got caught at about 10 o clock so i hid on my bed until about 2:50 such a drag.
jumped out my window walked around the block walked in my house and my mom didn't think anything of it.
|
skipped school almost got caught but didnt.
|
skipping school?
|
[
"today me and my bro skipped school cause my mom",
"wouldn't be home all day (getting her massage",
"license renewed) but came home with my little sis",
"cause she was \"sick\".",
"we heard the door unlock so we both ran and hid,",
"my bro hid behind our movable dishwasher and me",
"in my sisters closet. my mom seen my brother",
"pretty quick he went in the room and got yelled",
"at came up with a bullshit excuse and is off scot",
"free-ish.",
"after my mom was talking with him and never found",
"me (cause im a slick son of a gun) ran to my room",
"and hid on my top bunk bed and put pillows over",
"me. we got caught at about 10 o clock so i hid on",
"my bed until about 2:50 such a drag.",
"jumped out my window walked around the block",
"walked in my house and my mom didn't think",
"anything of it."
] |
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today me and my bro skipped school cause my mom
|
4 | 3 | 0.59 | 4 |
i'm very new to reddit. i was browsing new first and trying to find my comment from half an hour ago. i got very excited when i thought that i had 43 upvotes. i am now feeling very down bc realized they are just the post numbers.
|
i gave myself false hope.
|
thinking the numbers next to the up and down buttons on reddit were the number of upvotes
|
[
"i'm very new to reddit. i was browsing new first",
"and trying to find my comment from half an hour",
"ago. i got very excited when i thought that i",
"had 43 upvotes. i am now feeling very down bc",
"realized they are just the post numbers."
] |
[
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ago. i got very excited when i thought that i
|
2 | 1 | 0.75 | 2 |
tifu by sending hateful modmail to the wrong people. if you haven't heard already, /r/shitredditsays and /r/punchablefaces were taken over by sjws that may or may not be trolls. this means that everything posted there was at the expense of white men (ex. you could only post pictures of white men on /r/punchablefaces). i liked to browse /r/punchablefaces, but when this happened, i got mad and sent an angry and hateful message to the mods before reading the rules (even though they weren't really relevant as they were only "post pictures of only white men" or "end every post with peace be upon the female") and the message at the top of the page saying the original rules (you could post pictures of anyone with a punchable face) would be restored. when the actual mods of the subreddit (not the sjws who took over and changed all of the rules) replied, i realized i had messaged the wrong people. they thought i was with the people who took over (not to put the mods down, they are nice people), so i wrote a short apology, and got banned the next day.
[message](http://i.imgur.com/5nwve4b.png)
[replies](http://imgur.com/a/p367u)
[banned](http://i.imgur.com/i1jmwzw.png)
|
sent hateful modmail to the wrong people and ended up getting banned from /r/punchablefaces.
|
sending hateful modmail to the wrong people. (nfsw, some swearing)
|
[
"tifu by sending hateful modmail to the wrong",
"people. if you haven't heard already,",
"/r/shitredditsays and /r/punchablefaces were",
"taken over by sjws that may or may not be trolls.",
"this means that everything posted there was at",
"the expense of white men (ex. you could only post",
"pictures of white men on /r/punchablefaces). i",
"liked to browse /r/punchablefaces, but when this",
"happened, i got mad and sent an angry and hateful",
"message to the mods before reading the rules",
"(even though they weren't really relevant as they",
"were only \"post pictures of only white men\" or",
"\"end every post with peace be upon the female\")",
"and the message at the top of the page saying the",
"original rules (you could post pictures of anyone",
"with a punchable face) would be restored. when",
"the actual mods of the subreddit (not the sjws",
"who took over and changed all of the rules)",
"replied, i realized i had messaged the wrong",
"people. they thought i was with the people who",
"took over (not to put the mods down, they are",
"nice people), so i wrote a short apology, and got",
"banned the next day.",
"[message](http://i.imgur.com/5nwve4b.png)",
"[replies](http://imgur.com/a/p367u)",
"[banned](http://i.imgur.com/i1jmwzw.png)"
] |
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tifu by sending hateful modmail to the wrong /r/shitredditsays and /r/punchablefaces were
|
13 | 12 | 0.83 | 13 |
as normal, this didn't actually happen today, but somewhat recently.
i am a recently licensed driver who does not get much private time with his girlfriend, unfortunately. so, me being the mastermind i am, decided that i would create a "bed" in the back of my car and park it at a mall, far away from any other car. i successfully move a pillow and blankets from my house into the car, thinking i am the smoothest motherfucker around, pulling this off without my parents knowing. i get to the mall and park far away from everyone, and go off to find my girlfriend.
upon returning to my car, i realized it was awfully hot. so, despite my girlfriend's protests, i put the keys in and turned on the ac, so it would be a bit chillier in my car than the steaming 80 degrees fahrenheit outside. what could go wrong, right? so we spend the next two hours "hanging out" in my car, until finally we decided we were good and hungry.
this is where i realized my error. it had been two hours. i went to unlock the door with the button on the front seat, when that didn't work, i manually unlocked the doors and climbed into the driver's seat. i turned the key once...
twice...
thrice...
no start. fuck. my battery had died. i quickly reassess the situation and call a few friends. nothing. absolutely nothing. cue a half hour of sprinting around the mall to find someone to jumpstart my car. i didn't trust any random mall-goers and security didn't offer jumpstarts due to company vehicle damage. i tried calling my father, who was signed up with aaa, to no avail. my mother had no way to reach me either. both of them were very confused by my shitty excuses that "my girlfriend felt bad" or something.
so, after a half hour of worriedly texting and calling, we finally got someone... her parents. her mom came with jumper cables, and we had to come up with some shitty, on-the-spot story as to why i was at my car an hour early. after some awkward conversation....
vroom.
it's back to life! the day is saved! i say a quick goodbye and drive off, thinking i've gotten away with the deed.
nope.
i pull in, my mom waiting for me. i pop the trunk, revealing not only the pillow and blankets, but a can of febreeze and a used towel. needless to say... today i fucked up, reddit.
**actual tl;dr: i tried to be sneaky with my girlfriend and my car battery died, with evidence in my car.**
|
broken cars and broken dreams.**
|
wanting privacy with my girlfriend
|
[
"as normal, this didn't actually happen today, but",
"somewhat recently.",
"i am a recently licensed driver who does not get",
"much private time with his girlfriend,",
"unfortunately. so, me being the mastermind i am,",
"decided that i would create a \"bed\" in the back",
"of my car and park it at a mall, far away from",
"any other car. i successfully move a pillow and",
"blankets from my house into the car, thinking i",
"am the smoothest motherfucker around, pulling",
"this off without my parents knowing. i get to",
"the mall and park far away from everyone, and go",
"off to find my girlfriend.",
"upon returning to my car, i realized it was",
"awfully hot. so, despite my girlfriend's",
"protests, i put the keys in and turned on the ac,",
"so it would be a bit chillier in my car than the",
"steaming 80 degrees fahrenheit outside. what",
"could go wrong, right? so we spend the next two",
"hours \"hanging out\" in my car, until finally we",
"decided we were good and hungry.",
"this is where i realized my error. it had been",
"two hours. i went to unlock the door with the",
"button on the front seat, when that didn't work,",
"i manually unlocked the doors and climbed into",
"the driver's seat. i turned the key once...",
"twice...\n\nthrice...",
"no start. fuck. my battery had died. i quickly",
"reassess the situation and call a few friends.",
"nothing. absolutely nothing. cue a half hour of",
"sprinting around the mall to find someone to",
"jumpstart my car. i didn't trust any random",
"mall-goers and security didn't offer jumpstarts",
"due to company vehicle damage. i tried calling",
"my father, who was signed up with aaa, to no",
"avail. my mother had no way to reach me either.",
"both of them were very confused by my shitty",
"excuses that \"my girlfriend felt bad\" or",
"something.",
"so, after a half hour of worriedly texting and",
"calling, we finally got someone... her parents.",
"her mom came with jumper cables, and we had to",
"come up with some shitty, on-the-spot story as to",
"why i was at my car an hour early. after some",
"awkward conversation....",
"vroom.",
"it's back to life! the day is saved! i say a",
"quick goodbye and drive off, thinking i've gotten",
"away with the deed.",
"nope.",
"i pull in, my mom waiting for me. i pop the",
"trunk, revealing not only the pillow and",
"blankets, but a can of febreeze and a used towel.",
"needless to say... today i fucked up, reddit.",
"**actual tl;dr: i tried to be sneaky with my",
"girlfriend and my car battery died, with evidence",
"in my car.**"
] |
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decided we were good and hungry.
|
19 | 4 | 0.93 | 19 |
today i made the biggest mistake of my life.
yesterday, i started work at 8am, finishing at 4:30, in time to drive 3 hours north to watch a football game. i took my friend along with me. we lost the game, and spent an hour or so in traffic before we even left the city we were in.
about 3 hours into the drive, and about 30 minutes from home, i began to feel tired. i was 1 motorway stop from home, and it was 1am, my friend was beginning to get very tired and we just wanted to get home.
unfortunately, we didn't make it. 3 miles from our turn, i dozed off for a matter of seconds. i jolted awake, and saw a car in front of me. i panicked. i swerved to right right to avoid collision, then tried to correct myself as i was veering towards the barrier. this is where the sliding started. at this point, i can honestly say i saw my life flash before my eyes. then, we tipped. according to the lorry driver that saw the crash, we rolled 4/5 times, getting half way up the verge before rolling back down again into the ditch.
during that roll, all i remember is holding onto the steering wheel for dear life, bracing myself for something to kill me.
i don't know how long we were hanging upside down in that ditch for. could have been seconds, could have been minutes. all i remember is hearing my friend call my name and ask if i was okay. i looked over him and saw blood over his face and arms. i popped my seatbelt off, fell into the glass below me and cut my hand, then tried to open the door.
it was at this moment that the lorry driver came running over asking if we were okay. he pulled the door open and helped me out. my friend followed me out, though at this point we saw that he was bleeding quite a bit. the lorry driver got some paper towels from his cabin and we got my mate cleaned up.
the policeman told me that we're ridiculously lucky to make it, considering the area of the motorway we were on.
pretty much the whole day i've been playing it back in my head, every moment i can remember. don't be a twat like me, even if you're 15 minutes from home, wake yourself up.
|
fell asleep driving, almost killed me and my friend
|
thinking i could make it.
|
[
"today i made the biggest mistake of my life.",
"yesterday, i started work at 8am, finishing at",
"4:30, in time to drive 3 hours north to watch a",
"football game. i took my friend along with me. we",
"lost the game, and spent an hour or so in traffic",
"before we even left the city we were in.",
"about 3 hours into the drive, and about 30",
"minutes from home, i began to feel tired. i was 1",
"motorway stop from home, and it was 1am, my",
"friend was beginning to get very tired and we",
"just wanted to get home.",
"unfortunately, we didn't make it. 3 miles from",
"our turn, i dozed off for a matter of seconds. i",
"jolted awake, and saw a car in front of me. i",
"panicked. i swerved to right right to avoid",
"collision, then tried to correct myself as i was",
"veering towards the barrier. this is where the",
"sliding started. at this point, i can honestly",
"say i saw my life flash before my eyes. then, we",
"tipped. according to the lorry driver that saw",
"the crash, we rolled 4/5 times, getting half way",
"up the verge before rolling back down again into",
"the ditch.",
"during that roll, all i remember is holding onto",
"the steering wheel for dear life, bracing myself",
"for something to kill me.",
"i don't know how long we were hanging upside down",
"in that ditch for. could have been seconds, could",
"have been minutes. all i remember is hearing my",
"friend call my name and ask if i was okay. i",
"looked over him and saw blood over his face and",
"arms. i popped my seatbelt off, fell into the",
"glass below me and cut my hand, then tried to",
"open the door.",
"it was at this moment that the lorry driver came",
"running over asking if we were okay. he pulled",
"the door open and helped me out. my friend",
"followed me out, though at this point we saw that",
"he was bleeding quite a bit. the lorry driver got",
"some paper towels from his cabin and we got my",
"mate cleaned up.",
"the policeman told me that we're ridiculously",
"lucky to make it, considering the area of the",
"motorway we were on.",
"pretty much the whole day i've been playing it",
"back in my head, every moment i can remember.",
"don't be a twat like me, even if you're 15",
"minutes from home, wake yourself up."
] |
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the door open and helped me out. my friend
|
17 | 11 | 0.76 | 17 |
my friends and i are in our senior year of high school. at our school, seniors are allowed about thirty five minutes to go off campus and get lunch somewhere as long as we are back by fourth period at 12:55. thirty five minutes often doesn't give us too much time to spare, so we usually have to eat quickly or on the go. on this particular day my friend, whom i'll call lance, was donating blood to a blood drive that is partnered with the school. he sends me a text asking me to pick him up some food from wherever i end up going, and that he will pay me back when i return to the school. another friends of mine, william, and i decided on pizza hut. we go there, order our food, and receive our orders about ten minutes after placing them. i was about half way through my pizza when lance calls. i realize that i neglected to get him anything, but i tell him i'll try to pick up a pepperoni pizza for him. the problem here is that if we have to wait another ten minutes, william and i won't be able to make it to class on time. i ask the people at the check out counter if they have any pizza's already made that i can buy, but to no avail. so i decide i'll just give him a slice of my pizza. keep in mind i ordered one of those small pizza hut pizza's that consist of four slices, and are meant for one person alone. i call lance and tell him that i can only bring him a one slice, and that he might want to pick something up in the cafeteria, considering he just gave blood. he replies, "no i just want to sit down." i figure he's getting an attitude with me so i just say, "alright," and hang up. william and i arrive back at the school a couple minutes before the fourth period bell rings. i find lance sitting on the floor with a nurse, who is working with the blood drive, standing over him. i hand him the box with the one small slice of pizza in it, and he sluggishly says, "thank you." an hour and a half later when i get out of my fourth period class i overhear some students in the hallway talking about someone who passed out after giving blood. i immediately think of lance, and ask the students the name of the person who passed out. it was lance. one of the students then describes that when she saw him, he was barely able to stand, he had a competently pale face, blue lips, and he was mumbling, "i'm so cold," before a teacher took him to, presumably, the nurse's office. i realized i had inadvertently put my friends health in danger because i didn't bring him a full sized meal.
edit: talked to lance, said people told him he looked "blue" but aside from that the student i talked to may have over-exaggerated. my fuck-up guilt has faded.
|
my friend almost passed out from blood loss because i didn't order him a pizza.
|
not ordering my friend a pizza
|
[
"my friends and i are in our senior year of high",
"school. at our school, seniors are allowed about",
"thirty five minutes to go off campus and get",
"lunch somewhere as long as we are back by fourth",
"period at 12:55. thirty five minutes often",
"doesn't give us too much time to spare, so we",
"usually have to eat quickly or on the go. on",
"this particular day my friend, whom i'll call",
"lance, was donating blood to a blood drive that",
"is partnered with the school. he sends me a text",
"asking me to pick him up some food from wherever",
"i end up going, and that he will pay me back when",
"i return to the school. another friends of mine,",
"william, and i decided on pizza hut. we go",
"there, order our food, and receive our orders",
"about ten minutes after placing them. i was",
"about half way through my pizza when lance calls.",
"i realize that i neglected to get him anything,",
"but i tell him i'll try to pick up a pepperoni",
"pizza for him. the problem here is that if we",
"have to wait another ten minutes, william and i",
"won't be able to make it to class on time. i ask",
"the people at the check out counter if they have",
"any pizza's already made that i can buy, but to",
"no avail. so i decide i'll just give him a slice",
"of my pizza. keep in mind i ordered one of those",
"small pizza hut pizza's that consist of four",
"slices, and are meant for one person alone. i",
"call lance and tell him that i can only bring him",
"a one slice, and that he might want to pick",
"something up in the cafeteria, considering he",
"just gave blood. he replies, \"no i just want to",
"sit down.\" i figure he's getting an attitude",
"with me so i just say, \"alright,\" and hang up.",
"william and i arrive back at the school a couple",
"minutes before the fourth period bell rings. i",
"find lance sitting on the floor with a nurse, who",
"is working with the blood drive, standing over",
"him. i hand him the box with the one small slice",
"of pizza in it, and he sluggishly says, \"thank",
"you.\" an hour and a half later when i get out of",
"my fourth period class i overhear some students",
"in the hallway talking about someone who passed",
"out after giving blood. i immediately think of",
"lance, and ask the students the name of the",
"person who passed out. it was lance. one of the",
"students then describes that when she saw him, he",
"was barely able to stand, he had a competently",
"pale face, blue lips, and he was mumbling, \"i'm",
"so cold,\" before a teacher took him to,",
"presumably, the nurse's office. i realized i had",
"inadvertently put my friends health in danger",
"because i didn't bring him a full sized meal.",
"edit: talked to lance, said people told him he",
"looked \"blue\" but aside from that the student i",
"talked to may have over-exaggerated. my fuck-up",
"guilt has faded."
] |
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this particular day my friend, whom i'll call because i didn't bring him a full sized meal.
|
1 | 0 | 0.67 | 1 |
i read about the ashley madison hack on fox news. being young, dumb, and forced to move to oklahoma with my parents, i decided to check for my entire family's names through an email search service.
well, one week later, my dad came up to me about his email being scammed. well, shit. every one of my aunts and uncles had received the trustify scamming email too. now everybody hates me, and i've been sent to my grandfather in north dakota in a week.
|
: sent family emails to trustify. was a stupid idiot. trustify is a scummy company, and i'm a stupid ho.
|
signing my entire family up for an email scam
|
[
"i read about the ashley madison hack on fox news.",
"being young, dumb, and forced to move to oklahoma",
"with my parents, i decided to check for my entire",
"family's names through an email search service.",
"well, one week later, my dad came up to me about",
"his email being scammed. well, shit. every one of",
"my aunts and uncles had received the trustify",
"scamming email too. now everybody hates me, and",
"i've been sent to my grandfather in north dakota",
"in a week."
] |
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my aunts and uncles had received the trustify i've been sent to my grandfather in north dakota in a week.
|
8 | 19 | 0.9 | 8 |
a little background for everyone. i have an extensive medical background as a patient, and at one point i had access to about any drug i could imagine. i get very anxious in certain situations (especially medical situations) so i have a prescription for ativan.
so last night, i decided that i wanted to ask out a new girl at school, but the catch is that i am a pussy. so i thought "hey, some ativan would calm my nerves and maybe i can break the ice without looking like an ass?"
after my thought, i subsequently went searching for my drugs, and i could not find them anywhere. i looked high, i looked low, but the stuff alluded me. i even looked in my dogs medications to see if somehow it got mixed up in there. this is where the fuck up comes into play.
since i want to be a medical student, i know a lot about pharmaceuticals and chemistry (apparently not enough), and i happened to find a bottle in my dog's meds labeled alprazolam, which is the generic form of xanax. knowing that this was just a different kind of benzo (all i knew is that it had a shorter half life in the body), i decided it would be fine to take it. (however; before i go any farther i would like to stress that **i know that the anti anxiety pills issued to animals and humans are the exact same** at least in this instance. just so no one calls me a dumb ass. also another side note, **i was only trying to use the medicine as prescribed**). so i grabbed 2mg and i was headed on my way.
two hours later, i am sitting in class, and knowing that it takes a little while to kick in, i decide to take the 2mg which is my normal dose of ativan...this was a horrible idea. in about 20 minutes i started to feel a bit weird, and then it hit me like a fucking brick. it felt like i was just shot out of a cannon, and skyrocketing towards the clouds. i started to make weird muffled noises, and odd movements. thankfully, it was the end of that class, but i was then promptly thrown into the hall way, which was another realm in itself to a tripped out minerdodec. despite the fact that i am 6' 3", everyone seemed so tall, and i felt like i was in a jungle of moving tress like in lotr.
i finally made it to my lunch table, and proceeded to inquire if i looked like i was high. the consensus was no, but at this point i was back in the sky and nearly fell out of my lunch table. for the rest of the lunch i was sitting around tripped out and then i finally realized why i took the stuff in the first place; to ask the girl out. so then i went out and started searching, until i finally found her and started to go up. at this point, i was starting to come down, but it wasn't enough for me to be normal. i proceed to go up to her, she sees me, and i put my finger up and open my mouth like i was about to say something to her. then i just totally fucking blank out. everything that i was previously thinking just was wiped from my mind. after about ten seconds of me just standing there and thinking profusely, i just said "yep.", and did a 180 and walked away. guess today wasn't my day for that...
i did learn something medical from it though. little did i know that xanax is almost twice as potent as ativan. this also coupled with the fact that i hadn't ever taken xanax , or a benzo in a year (making my tolerance an absolute zero) most likely explains why i was high.
|
: was nervous about asking a girl out, couldn't find my ativan, took my dogs xanax instead, accidentally tripped the fuck out in school, made myself look like an idiot in front of girl while tripping
|
taking my dog's xanax in school
|
[
"a little background for everyone. i have an",
"extensive medical background as a patient, and at",
"one point i had access to about any drug i could",
"imagine. i get very anxious in certain situations",
"(especially medical situations) so i have a",
"prescription for ativan.",
"so last night, i decided that i wanted to ask out",
"a new girl at school, but the catch is that i am",
"a pussy. so i thought \"hey, some ativan would",
"calm my nerves and maybe i can break the ice",
"without looking like an ass?\"",
"after my thought, i subsequently went searching",
"for my drugs, and i could not find them anywhere.",
"i looked high, i looked low, but the stuff",
"alluded me. i even looked in my dogs medications",
"to see if somehow it got mixed up in there. this",
"is where the fuck up comes into play.",
"since i want to be a medical student, i know a",
"lot about pharmaceuticals and chemistry",
"(apparently not enough), and i happened to find a",
"bottle in my dog's meds labeled alprazolam, which",
"is the generic form of xanax. knowing that this",
"was just a different kind of benzo (all i knew is",
"that it had a shorter half life in the body), i",
"decided it would be fine to take it. (however;",
"before i go any farther i would like to stress",
"that **i know that the anti anxiety pills issued",
"to animals and humans are the exact same** at",
"least in this instance. just so no one calls me a",
"dumb ass. also another side note, **i was only",
"trying to use the medicine as prescribed**). so i",
"grabbed 2mg and i was headed on my way.",
"two hours later, i am sitting in class, and",
"knowing that it takes a little while to kick in,",
"i decide to take the 2mg which is my normal dose",
"of ativan...this was a horrible idea. in about 20",
"minutes i started to feel a bit weird, and then",
"it hit me like a fucking brick. it felt like i",
"was just shot out of a cannon, and skyrocketing",
"towards the clouds. i started to make weird",
"muffled noises, and odd movements. thankfully, it",
"was the end of that class, but i was then",
"promptly thrown into the hall way, which was",
"another realm in itself to a tripped out",
"minerdodec. despite the fact that i am 6' 3\",",
"everyone seemed so tall, and i felt like i was in",
"a jungle of moving tress like in lotr.",
"i finally made it to my lunch table, and",
"proceeded to inquire if i looked like i was high.",
"the consensus was no, but at this point i was",
"back in the sky and nearly fell out of my lunch",
"table. for the rest of the lunch i was sitting",
"around tripped out and then i finally realized",
"why i took the stuff in the first place; to ask",
"the girl out. so then i went out and started",
"searching, until i finally found her and started",
"to go up. at this point, i was starting to come",
"down, but it wasn't enough for me to be normal. i",
"proceed to go up to her, she sees me, and i put",
"my finger up and open my mouth like i was about",
"to say something to her. then i just totally",
"fucking blank out. everything that i was",
"previously thinking just was wiped from my mind.",
"after about ten seconds of me just standing there",
"and thinking profusely, i just said \"yep.\", and",
"did a 180 and walked away. guess today wasn't my",
"day for that...",
"i did learn something medical from it though.",
"little did i know that xanax is almost twice as",
"potent as ativan. this also coupled with the fact",
"that i hadn't ever taken xanax , or a benzo in a",
"year (making my tolerance an absolute zero) most",
"likely explains why i was high."
] |
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prescription for ativan. without looking like an ass?" bottle in my dog's meds labeled alprazolam, which of ativan...this was a horrible idea. in about 20 the girl out. so then i went out and started
|
24 | 21 | 0.89 | 24 |
this literally happened a couple of hours ago, and i'm shaking with anger at myself, so i have to share. my wife has been having trouble with her car lately, so this morning when she left for work it was no big surprise when she came back in and said her car wouldn't start. we knew she needed a new battery, but hadn't gotten around to purchasing one yet. no big deal, i'll just jump it with my car. i pull around, grab the cables and hook it up....and then i smell the smoke. i look down, and the cable i had just hooked up had already heated up to the point that the rubber was melting. i throw the cables off and take a closer look. turns out there's supposed to be a cover with the "+" sign over the positive terminal on her car, but it had been left open, and there was red paint splashed on the wires of the negative terminal. i had crossed the cables and pretty much fried her electrical system. the tow truck is pulling away as i write this, no idea how much this is going to cost us. today, i fucked up.
edit: update in case any one is interested, it was about $900 out the door plus the cost of the new battery, much less than i expected. i think i got pretty lucky based on some of the things that can go wrong in this situation. anyway, thanks for everyone's thoughts and support.
|
crossed my jumper cables and turned an $80 bad battery into a full blown fried engine.
|
jump-starting my wife's car
|
[
"this literally happened a couple of hours ago, and",
"i'm shaking with anger at myself, so i have to",
"share. my wife has been having trouble with her",
"car lately, so this morning when she left for",
"work it was no big surprise when she came back in",
"and said her car wouldn't start. we knew she",
"needed a new battery, but hadn't gotten around to",
"purchasing one yet. no big deal, i'll just jump",
"it with my car. i pull around, grab the cables",
"and hook it up....and then i smell the smoke. i",
"look down, and the cable i had just hooked up had",
"already heated up to the point that the rubber",
"was melting. i throw the cables off and take a",
"closer look. turns out there's supposed to be a",
"cover with the \"+\" sign over the positive",
"terminal on her car, but it had been left open,",
"and there was red paint splashed on the wires of",
"the negative terminal. i had crossed the cables",
"and pretty much fried her electrical system. the",
"tow truck is pulling away as i write this, no",
"idea how much this is going to cost us. today, i",
"fucked up.",
"edit: update in case any one is interested, it",
"was about $900 out the door plus the cost of the",
"new battery, much less than i expected. i think",
"i got pretty lucky based on some of the things",
"that can go wrong in this situation. anyway,",
"thanks for everyone's thoughts and support."
] |
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was melting. i throw the cables off and take a the negative terminal. i had crossed the cables
|
8,341 | 736 | 0.9 | 8,341 |
this actually happened last night.
for those of you unfamiliar with the game ["seaman"](http://caution-seaman.wikia.com/wiki/caution_seaman_wiki), it's a trippy virtual-pet game for the sega dreamcast, in which you raise small talking fishes into two wise-ass frogmen. the little dude asks you questions about your personal life and you respond to him via an attached microphone. he remembers the details and mentions them in future conversations. you have to play it once a day or he dies and you have to start from the beginning.
anyway, i had just met this really cool but shy redheaded girl last weekend and we hit it off. she shares my love of video games, and is actually really good at them. she's also gorgeous, which is a plus. i asked if she wanted to come to the house and meet my roommates and hang out. she showed up and we smoked a little weed. being baked, i decided it would be a good idea to play some video games.
i just remembered that i haven't fed the seamen yet, so i asked her if she wanted to see one of the weirdest games ever made. she said yes, so i powered it on and fed the two frogmen. what happened next left me aghast.
i told her, "watch this," and then turned on the mic and said, "hey, what's up seaman?"
the frogman replied, *"hello, it's good to see you home tonight instead of out on a weekday. a few days ago, i asked you if you had someone special in your life, and you told me you didn't. so tell me, do you now have a special lady-friend in your life?"*
this question came outta nowhere and caught me off guard. the girl's face was beet red.
"uh, yeah?," i responded.
*"so you do have a lady friend. so let me ask you, is she the one?"*
"i-i don't know," i replied. "i just met her." i don't think the answer registered with frogman.
*"c'mon, just answer the question. let me ask you again, is she the one?"*
"i don't know."
frogman, with a shitty look on his face, said, *"you know, you really shouldn't stay with someone just because it's convenient, because then you're wasting your time. alright, i'm all talked out for today."* he then hopped off.
she looked pretty creeped out by this point. i said, "so yeah, i told you it was a weird game."
**
***
update: wow, didn't expect this kind of response! also, thanks for popping my reddit-gold cherry, internet stranger! since so many have asked, i'm still talking to the girl, who saw this post and thought it was pretty funny. she also wants to play the game now, so maybe i can show her my seamen again.
many have doubted the authenticity of this fuck-up, and have even doubted the existence of such an old game with such an advanced ai. the "ai" is not advanced, and just gives long-winded answers to simple commands. about 90% of the shit seaman asks you are yes/no questions. a user mentioned they had found the [question that i was asked by frogman.](https://youtu.be/upl081vjzoc?list=plcudatodzsbeaaj1vzxexd_si0quhwcm2&t=202) he gives a different response in this scenario, since the player states he is still single. i decided to read a faq about this game to find the exact dialog and this question apparently leads into a conversation in which seaman asks to be set free to find his "true love," which means i can finally wash my hands of this slimy douchebag frog.
many have asked how to play this game. it's only on dreamcast. i think the only emulator that supports the microphone is reicast, which still can't run seaman as far as i know.
|
talking virtual frog totally killed the mood.**
|
showing a girl my seaman.
|
[
"this actually happened last night.",
"for those of you unfamiliar with the game",
"[\"seaman\"](http://caution-seaman.wikia.com/wiki/c",
"aution_seaman_wiki),",
"it's a trippy virtual-pet game for the sega",
"dreamcast, in which you raise small talking",
"fishes into two wise-ass frogmen. the little dude",
"asks you questions about your personal life and",
"you respond to him via an attached microphone. he",
"remembers the details and mentions them in future",
"conversations. you have to play it once a day or",
"he dies and you have to start from the beginning.",
"anyway, i had just met this really cool but shy",
"redheaded girl last weekend and we hit it off.",
"she shares my love of video games, and is",
"actually really good at them. she's also",
"gorgeous, which is a plus. i asked if she wanted",
"to come to the house and meet my roommates and",
"hang out. she showed up and we smoked a little",
"weed. being baked, i decided it would be a good",
"idea to play some video games.",
"i just remembered that i haven't fed the seamen",
"yet, so i asked her if she wanted to see one of",
"the weirdest games ever made. she said yes, so i",
"powered it on and fed the two frogmen. what",
"happened next left me aghast.",
"i told her, \"watch this,\" and then turned on the",
"mic and said, \"hey, what's up seaman?\"",
"the frogman replied, *\"hello, it's good to see",
"you home tonight instead of out on a weekday. a",
"few days ago, i asked you if you had someone",
"special in your life, and you told me you didn't.",
"so tell me, do you now have a special lady-friend",
"in your life?\"*",
"this question came outta nowhere and caught me",
"off guard. the girl's face was beet red.",
"\"uh, yeah?,\" i responded.",
"*\"so you do have a lady friend. so let me ask",
"you, is she the one?\"*",
"\"i-i don't know,\" i replied. \"i just met her.\" i",
"don't think the answer registered with frogman.",
"*\"c'mon, just answer the question. let me ask you",
"again, is she the one?\"*",
"\"i don't know.\"",
"frogman, with a shitty look on his face, said,",
"*\"you know, you really shouldn't stay with",
"someone just because it's convenient, because",
"then you're wasting your time. alright, i'm all",
"talked out for today.\"* he then hopped off.",
"she looked pretty creeped out by this point. i",
"said, \"so yeah, i told you it was a weird game.\"",
"**",
"***",
"update: wow, didn't expect this kind of response!",
"also, thanks for popping my reddit-gold cherry,",
"internet stranger! since so many have asked, i'm",
"still talking to the girl, who saw this post and",
"thought it was pretty funny. she also wants to",
"play the game now, so maybe i can show her my",
"seamen again.",
"many have doubted the authenticity of this",
"fuck-up, and have even doubted the existence of",
"such an old game with such an advanced ai. the",
"\"ai\" is not advanced, and just gives long-winded",
"answers to simple commands. about 90% of the shit",
"seaman asks you are yes/no questions. a user",
"mentioned they had found the [question that i was",
"asked by",
"frogman.](https://youtu.be/upl081vjzoc?list=plcud",
"atodzsbeaaj1vzxexd_si0quhwcm2&t=202)",
"he gives a different response in this scenario,",
"since the player states he is still single. i",
"decided to read a faq about this game to find the",
"exact dialog and this question apparently leads",
"into a conversation in which seaman asks to be",
"set free to find his \"true love,\" which means i",
"can finally wash my hands of this slimy douchebag",
"frog.",
"many have asked how to play this game. it's only",
"on dreamcast. i think the only emulator that",
"supports the microphone is reicast, which still",
"can't run seaman as far as i know."
] |
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frog.
|
1,579 | 96 | 0.94 | 1,579 |
so of course, in tifu tradition, this actually happened last night.
so last night i was having kind of a hard time falling asleep so i decided to remedy by taking a dab or two. an hour later and i'm as baked as a cheez-it and need to shit. i go to the bathroom yada yada yada, but when i got to was my hands, i see a faint amount of blue in my mouth. i was high and thought i was going crazy, but sure enough my tongue was blue! i was freaking out cause i never fucking ate anything blue.
after having a panic attack i decided that the best course of action was the hospital. of course the doctor said i was a dumbass and that it was just blue dye. after attempting to explain to him that i never ate anything blue, he told me to come back in 12 hours if it stays blue.
sure enough when i got home, there was a giant fucking bag of sweet tarts on my bed, i had been eating them unconsciously.
|
i saw blue daba de daba dye
|
getting high and going to the hospital
|
[
"so of course, in tifu tradition, this actually",
"happened last night.",
"so last night i was having kind of a hard time",
"falling asleep so i decided to remedy by taking a",
"dab or two. an hour later and i'm as baked as a",
"cheez-it and need to shit. i go to the bathroom",
"yada yada yada, but when i got to was my hands, i",
"see a faint amount of blue in my mouth. i was",
"high and thought i was going crazy, but sure",
"enough my tongue was blue! i was freaking out",
"cause i never fucking ate anything blue.",
"after having a panic attack i decided that the",
"best course of action was the hospital. of course",
"the doctor said i was a dumbass and that it was",
"just blue dye. after attempting to explain to him",
"that i never ate anything blue, he told me to",
"come back in 12 hours if it stays blue.",
"sure enough when i got home, there was a giant",
"fucking bag of sweet tarts on my bed, i had been",
"eating them unconsciously."
] |
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cause i never fucking ate anything blue.
|
9 | 29 | 0.7 | 9 |
well reddit, i fucked up big time. i overdosed on thc. which is found in marijuana.
i was with two other friends, we will call them kolin and matt (not real names), and we were all having a good time at matt's new beach house. matt has his medical marijuana card, and i asked him how since he seemed to be in perfect health. he told me he had tendinitis in his knees which gave him chronic pain. i did too and he told me that we could go get my card if i had $40 cash. we go to a small clinic where i filled out a paper listing my symptoms and reasons for my visit. told the doctor about my aches and pains and he gave me a sealed and verified med card for $40 cash. so we were able to go into dispensaries and pick up stuff legally. it felt pretty surreal. we grab some cash and head to the nearest dispensary a few blocks away. since it was my first time at the dispensary i had to fill out a user agreement. we buy 2 "dark chocolate" edibles for $30 bucks, and each bar contains 4x the dose of a normal serving of marijuana. before heading to the pier that night, matt and i decide to eat our edibles. yea the whole thing at one time. it took about 30-45 minutes for me to get high, but when it came i got hit buy a brick wall. i broke out in a cold sweat, and i struggled to survive. we decided to walk to the nearest fast food restaurant which happened to be carl's jr.
i sit down and time flies slow as hell. i remember going into third person and feeling the vomit crawl out of my stomach. i threw up four times on my way to their restroom. i was hallucinating traps around me, and i could barely get out two words at a time without my brain stopping itself from further processing. if it weren't for kolin looking out for me, i would not have made it last night. anyone at the beach could have simply asked me for my wallet and i would have given it to them. i was that fucked up.
[tifu] by getting a med card and overdosing on marijuana or "greening out"
|
got my med card, bought an edible with 4x the dose of thc per individual, and i experienced hallucinations. i also vomited 4 times at a carl's jr.
|
getting a med card and overdosing on marijuana or "greening out"
|
[
"well reddit, i fucked up big time. i overdosed on",
"thc. which is found in marijuana.",
"i was with two other friends, we will call them",
"kolin and matt (not real names), and we were all",
"having a good time at matt's new beach house.",
"matt has his medical marijuana card, and i asked",
"him how since he seemed to be in perfect health.",
"he told me he had tendinitis in his knees which",
"gave him chronic pain. i did too and he told me",
"that we could go get my card if i had $40 cash.",
"we go to a small clinic where i filled out a",
"paper listing my symptoms and reasons for my",
"visit. told the doctor about my aches and pains",
"and he gave me a sealed and verified med card for",
"$40 cash. so we were able to go into dispensaries",
"and pick up stuff legally. it felt pretty",
"surreal. we grab some cash and head to the",
"nearest dispensary a few blocks away. since it",
"was my first time at the dispensary i had to fill",
"out a user agreement. we buy 2 \"dark chocolate\"",
"edibles for $30 bucks, and each bar contains 4x",
"the dose of a normal serving of marijuana. before",
"heading to the pier that night, matt and i decide",
"to eat our edibles. yea the whole thing at one",
"time. it took about 30-45 minutes for me to get",
"high, but when it came i got hit buy a brick",
"wall. i broke out in a cold sweat, and i",
"struggled to survive. we decided to walk to the",
"nearest fast food restaurant which happened to be",
"carl's jr.",
"i sit down and time flies slow as hell. i",
"remember going into third person and feeling the",
"vomit crawl out of my stomach. i threw up four",
"times on my way to their restroom. i was",
"hallucinating traps around me, and i could barely",
"get out two words at a time without my brain",
"stopping itself from further processing. if it",
"weren't for kolin looking out for me, i would not",
"have made it last night. anyone at the beach",
"could have simply asked me for my wallet and i",
"would have given it to them. i was that fucked",
"up.",
"[tifu] by getting a med card and overdosing on",
"marijuana or \"greening out\""
] |
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the dose of a normal serving of marijuana. before carl's jr. times on my way to their restroom. i was [tifu] by getting a med card and overdosing on
|
1 | 4 | 0.55 | 1 |
yesterday [i posted a question](https://www.reddit.com/r/askreddit/comments/3ic2ux/what_is_easier_to_get_into_than_it_is_to_get_out/) to /r/askreddit. it was the same question that i [posted nine months ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/askreddit/comments/2ngd15/what_is_easier_to_get_into_than_it_is_to_get_out/). the last time i posted the question it got 27 comments and 7 upvotes. so i wasn't very optomistic that it would do any better this time. i posted the question at work immediately after i got back from lunch with the intention of checking in on it every now and then to help make my afternoon move quicker. well, actual work got in the way and i was off of reddit all day long.
fast forward to about 10 minutes ago, i came back from lunch and thought "hey upvote_banana you should check and see if anyone replied to our post yesterday." imagine my surprise when i looked at my [inbox showing **5,239** messages!](http://i.imgur.com/relddy1.jpg)
holy shit! i started a party and forgot to attend. this could have been a great time to get my comment karma up from its measly 532 points, but i missed the fucking karma train. my one and only shot at 15 minutes of fame and i missed it. fml.
|
posted a question to askreddit which got over 9,500 answers and i didn't find out until the following day.
|
getting busy at work and forgetting i had posted a question in askreddit
|
[
"yesterday [i posted a",
"question](https://www.reddit.com/r/askreddit/comm",
"ents/3ic2ux/what_is_easier_to_get_into_than_it_is_",
"to_get_out/)",
"to /r/askreddit. it was the same question that i",
"[posted nine months",
"ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/askreddit/comments/",
"2ngd15/what_is_easier_to_get_into_than_it_is_to_ge",
"t_out/).",
"the last time i posted the question it got 27",
"comments and 7 upvotes. so i wasn't very",
"optomistic that it would do any better this time.",
"i posted the question at work immediately after",
"i got back from lunch with the intention of",
"checking in on it every now and then to help make",
"my afternoon move quicker. well, actual work got",
"in the way and i was off of reddit all day long.",
"fast forward to about 10 minutes ago, i came back",
"from lunch and thought \"hey upvote_banana you",
"should check and see if anyone replied to our",
"post yesterday.\" imagine my surprise when i",
"looked at my [inbox showing **5,239**",
"messages!](http://i.imgur.com/relddy1.jpg)",
"holy shit! i started a party and forgot to",
"attend. this could have been a great time to get",
"my comment karma up from its measly 532 points,",
"but i missed the fucking karma train. my one and",
"only shot at 15 minutes of fame and i missed it.",
"fml."
] |
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yesterday [i posted a to /r/askreddit. it was the same question that i in the way and i was off of reddit all day long.
|
4 | 7 | 0.56 | 4 |
damn. i am a dumbass. whoever you are, dear nyc stranger, thank you.
1099'er here. people hand me large rectangular pieces of paper called "pay checks" at random times on jobs or when we see each other... like on the street or at lunches, etc.
obviously i'm not always in a paperwork mode and forget i just slid a months worth of pay into my back pocket.
went to starbucks yesterday at 27th and 6th ave, reached for my phone on the walk over, i'm guessing that's when my check lept out of my pocket. it was the same check my client handed me not 10 minutes prior.
i only realized it was missing in the elevator on the way back to work. fuck. what is more embarrassing then having to explain to a client you are unable to hang onto a paycheck for ten minutes before you loose it on the street.
looked for it again and again in my pockets. nothing. walked up and down the avenue, asked 'bucks baristas, security guard, moving van dudes, everyone was so helpful in looking around but no check.
went back to work in a panicked haze...i am an unresponsible adult.
an hour later...
client's assistant texts me.. a wrinkled piece of paper was shoved under the office door. my check.
thank you whoever you are. you somehow got through the security desk, learned my client moved his office and didn't update his check address yet, then learned of the new address (one building over) and got past another security desk to deliver my lost check. you are a true saint.
two more checks lost on 6th ave:
fucking rubber iphone case.. so grippy it pulls out any paper from my pockets without a sound.
this time i was at 13th st. and 6th. didn't notice till i slid my phone back into my skinny jeans. where were my pay checks?
like autumn leaves flitting in the wind, the cab traffic pulled my paychecks along, breazing up the avenue. one block up.
found them both, face up..just laying there..my name face up on the soggy street. in front of pinkberry.
praise to our great god of lost paychecks. praise be.
edit:
|
- repeatedly dropped paychecks on same nyc street due to rubber phone case. all came back to me somehow. need a billfold. strangers are awesome.
|
i keep dropping my paychecks on 6th ave sidewalk (nyc).
|
[
"damn. i am a dumbass. whoever you are, dear nyc",
"stranger, thank you.",
"1099'er here. people hand me large rectangular",
"pieces of paper called \"pay checks\" at random",
"times on jobs or when we see each other... like",
"on the street or at lunches, etc.",
"obviously i'm not always in a paperwork mode and",
"forget i just slid a months worth of pay into my",
"back pocket.",
"went to starbucks yesterday at 27th and 6th ave,",
"reached for my phone on the walk over, i'm",
"guessing that's when my check lept out of my",
"pocket. it was the same check my client handed me",
"not 10 minutes prior.",
"i only realized it was missing in the elevator on",
"the way back to work. fuck. what is more",
"embarrassing then having to explain to a client",
"you are unable to hang onto a paycheck for ten",
"minutes before you loose it on the street.",
"looked for it again and again in my pockets.",
"nothing. walked up and down the avenue, asked",
"'bucks baristas, security guard, moving van",
"dudes, everyone was so helpful in looking around",
"but no check.",
"went back to work in a panicked haze...i am an",
"unresponsible adult.",
"an hour later...",
"client's assistant texts me.. a wrinkled piece of",
"paper was shoved under the office door. my check.",
"thank you whoever you are. you somehow got",
"through the security desk, learned my client",
"moved his office and didn't update his check",
"address yet, then learned of the new address (one",
"building over) and got past another security desk",
"to deliver my lost check. you are a true saint.",
"two more checks lost on 6th ave:",
"fucking rubber iphone case.. so grippy it pulls",
"out any paper from my pockets without a sound.",
"this time i was at 13th st. and 6th. didn't",
"notice till i slid my phone back into my skinny",
"jeans. where were my pay checks?",
"like autumn leaves flitting in the wind, the cab",
"traffic pulled my paychecks along, breazing up",
"the avenue. one block up.",
"found them both, face up..just laying there..my",
"name face up on the soggy street. in front of",
"pinkberry.",
"praise to our great god of lost paychecks. praise",
"be.",
"edit:"
] |
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minutes before you loose it on the street. went back to work in a panicked haze...i am an thank you whoever you are. you somehow got fucking rubber iphone case.. so grippy it pulls
|
3 | 2 | 0.86 | 3 |
this happened a couple of months ago on my way to meet some friends in split, croatia for a 2-week vacation.
i found cheap night flights to zaadar, which is a 2-3 hours bus ride away from split. i decided to book my ticket one day ahead of my friends, spend the night in zaadar and meet them in split the next day. the plane is about to take off, and i realize that i have 20% battery left on my phone so i try to memorize the name and address of my hostel and figured i would just ask people there.
a couple of hours later i am in downtown zaadar, i see a small bar with a group of middle-aged croatian dudes drinking outside and playing backgammon. mixing my youtube croatian skills with sign language, i asked for directions. they understood and agreed to take me there once they finish their drink.
i did not want to silently stand there, so i ordered a beer and watched them play, nodding / grinning whenever they made a bad move. (background info, i played a lot of backgammon with my father and grandfather when i was young, so you could say i am pretty good)
i volunteered to play the next game, thinking it was a nice gesture. i was enjoying myself drinking, playing backgammon and trying to talk about football (big football fan here), plus they were very nice. two hours and many beers later, i told them that i had to go to my hostel and sleep because i have an early bus to catch the next day. however they managed to convince me to drop off my backpack and come back for more drinks.
i booked the cheapest hostel i could find in zaadar, since i would only be spending the night there. they walk me to my hostel, which turned out to be a one floor, rundown house run by a big gym-rat dude. i walk in and there is only one room with a dozen beds and nothing else. the owner proceeds to give me a towel as a bed cover, the keys and tells me he’s heading off for the night. i put my bag and at this point i am glad to be heading back to the bar.
we get back to the bar and for some reason i proceed to drink my brains out and play backgammon for another 2-3h. i finally go back to the hostel and in my drunken state forget to close the front door, which leads directly to the room.
a couple of hours later i was woken up by the owner yelling his brains out and shoving me out of the bed. i’m still drunk, trying to open my eyes and cannot understand why the owner is about to beat the shit out of me. i get up and see that the entire room/hostel full of stray cats. there was around 20 cats digging through the trash in the kitchen and jumping on the beds. i immediately sober up and start apologizing by trying to catch/kick out the cats. he ends up kicking me out at 5:30 am and i had to spend the rest of the night at the bus station.
edit: format, tl;dr
|
left hostel door open and woke up with a room full of pussy
|
forgetting to charge my phone
|
[
"this happened a couple of months ago on my way to",
"meet some friends in split, croatia for a 2-week",
"vacation.",
"i found cheap night flights to zaadar, which is a",
"2-3 hours bus ride away from split. i decided to",
"book my ticket one day ahead of my friends, spend",
"the night in zaadar and meet them in split the",
"next day. the plane is about to take off, and i",
"realize that i have 20% battery left on my phone",
"so i try to memorize the name and address of my",
"hostel and figured i would just ask people there.",
"a couple of hours later i am in downtown zaadar,",
"i see a small bar with a group of middle-aged",
"croatian dudes drinking outside and playing",
"backgammon. mixing my youtube croatian skills",
"with sign language, i asked for directions. they",
"understood and agreed to take me there once they",
"finish their drink.",
"i did not want to silently stand there, so i",
"ordered a beer and watched them play, nodding /",
"grinning whenever they made a bad move.",
"(background info, i played a lot of backgammon",
"with my father and grandfather when i was young,",
"so you could say i am pretty good)",
"i volunteered to play the next game, thinking it",
"was a nice gesture. i was enjoying myself",
"drinking, playing backgammon and trying to talk",
"about football (big football fan here), plus they",
"were very nice. two hours and many beers later, i",
"told them that i had to go to my hostel and sleep",
"because i have an early bus to catch the next",
"day. however they managed to convince me to drop",
"off my backpack and come back for more drinks.",
"i booked the cheapest hostel i could find in",
"zaadar, since i would only be spending the night",
"there. they walk me to my hostel, which turned",
"out to be a one floor, rundown house run by a big",
"gym-rat dude. i walk in and there is only one",
"room with a dozen beds and nothing else. the",
"owner proceeds to give me a towel as a bed cover,",
"the keys and tells me he’s heading off for the",
"night. i put my bag and at this point i am glad",
"to be heading back to the bar.",
"we get back to the bar and for some reason i",
"proceed to drink my brains out and play",
"backgammon for another 2-3h. i finally go back to",
"the hostel and in my drunken state forget to",
"close the front door, which leads directly to the",
"room.",
"a couple of hours later i was woken up by the",
"owner yelling his brains out and shoving me out",
"of the bed. i’m still drunk, trying to open my",
"eyes and cannot understand why the owner is about",
"to beat the shit out of me. i get up and see that",
"the entire room/hostel full of stray cats. there",
"was around 20 cats digging through the trash in",
"the kitchen and jumping on the beds. i",
"immediately sober up and start apologizing by",
"trying to catch/kick out the cats. he ends up",
"kicking me out at 5:30 am and i had to spend the",
"rest of the night at the bus station.",
"edit: format, tl;dr"
] |
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room with a dozen beds and nothing else. the the entire room/hostel full of stray cats. there
|
31 | 22 | 0.83 | 31 |
i'm in sick today and thought i would go have a cup of ramen for lunch. i was opening the package and i saw the label that said "do not microwave" and that just kind of didn't register for me and i threw it in my microwave and completely forgot to put water in it. so i was just browsing the intertoobs on my phone when i notice smoke pouring out of my microwave...and then i knew.
|
i tried to cook ramen but gave myself cancer instead.
|
trying to cook ramen.
|
[
"i'm in sick today and thought i would go have a",
"cup of ramen for lunch. i was opening the package",
"and i saw the label that said \"do not microwave\"",
"and that just kind of didn't register for me and",
"i threw it in my microwave and completely forgot",
"to put water in it. so i was just browsing the",
"intertoobs on my phone when i notice smoke",
"pouring out of my microwave...and then i knew."
] |
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] |
cup of ramen for lunch. i was opening the package to put water in it. so i was just browsing the
|
1,716 | 514 | 0.92 | 1,716 |
so this fuck up like all others happened a couple days ago. my long time girlfriend and i were having a ridiculous amount of time getting along, and it was seriously wearing on us. it got to the point where i felt like i was becoming borderline (verbally) abusive. now before everyone gets their pitch forks i identified this behavior and enrolled myself in some therapy. (my idea, not hers). after weeks of therapy i finally talked about how frustrated it always makes my girlfriend when she makes a joke, and i take it extremely literally and go "actually, that's not quite right, this is more like how it is" and she would stare at me, like dammit i was kidding, and i would go "oh right" and try to recover with a laugh. at this point my therapist put down his computer, looks at me very seriously, and says "have you ever considered you might be autistic, no offence" he literally said no offence at the end of that. at this point the session was pretty much over, i left the office a little flustered and didn't even schedule another appointment. i thought to myself i'm 24 years old, if i was autistic i would for sure know by now right?
a day passes by, and i'm at work this is still on my mind. my boss and i are close, so i talked to her because she has an autistic son. she started talking about some of the signs of high functioning autism and my god, i think my therapist might be right. all of these years of not being able to get into the grove of life, and endless frustration, and i find out i might fucking literally be autistic.
|
went to therapy because bitter in relationship, find out i'm likely autistic.
|
finding out i'm very likely literally autistic
|
[
"so this fuck up like all others happened a couple",
"days ago. my long time girlfriend and i were",
"having a ridiculous amount of time getting along,",
"and it was seriously wearing on us. it got to the",
"point where i felt like i was becoming borderline",
"(verbally) abusive. now before everyone gets",
"their pitch forks i identified this behavior and",
"enrolled myself in some therapy. (my idea, not",
"hers). after weeks of therapy i finally talked",
"about how frustrated it always makes my",
"girlfriend when she makes a joke, and i take it",
"extremely literally and go \"actually, that's not",
"quite right, this is more like how it is\" and she",
"would stare at me, like dammit i was kidding, and",
"i would go \"oh right\" and try to recover with a",
"laugh. at this point my therapist put down his",
"computer, looks at me very seriously, and says",
"\"have you ever considered you might be autistic,",
"no offence\" he literally said no offence at the",
"end of that. at this point the session was pretty",
"much over, i left the office a little flustered",
"and didn't even schedule another appointment. i",
"thought to myself i'm 24 years old, if i was",
"autistic i would for sure know by now right?",
"a day passes by, and i'm at work this is still on",
"my mind. my boss and i are close, so i talked to",
"her because she has an autistic son. she started",
"talking about some of the signs of high",
"functioning autism and my god, i think my",
"therapist might be right. all of these years of",
"not being able to get into the grove of life, and",
"endless frustration, and i find out i might",
"fucking literally be autistic."
] |
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enrolled myself in some therapy. (my idea, not endless frustration, and i find out i might
|
3 | 3 | 0.56 | 3 |
this happened in yr7 (6th grade, i live in the uk) and i just remembered this while having a discussion about retarded people (not in bad way).
i was new to this school and i was just making some friends and was ending up in good classes as i was a pretty good student. this school was ok but not the best. in some of my classes there was this fat kid, very fat kid and i just assumed he was fat. i had no problem with his weight but as time went by i noticed he was leaving classes 5 minutes early and thought his obesity gave him special privileges. not only that when i had to be partnered with him, he wouldn't want to do any work and was just a lazy fat kid and he would be racist to me (i'm asian, he's white).
eventually it got so annoying and he kept trying to annoy me i blurted out, 'you're so fucking retarded!'. people around me went silent and the kid just put his head in his hands. five minutes later he looked up to me and said, 'but i am actually retarded.'
this took me a while to process. it turns out the reason he leaves early is because he has a condition; fragile bones that could easily break or get swollen on impact. i never knew.
i got sent to the head of the year earlier and because this was my first incident and i didn't know, he let me off with a warning.
i don't regret it though, the kid was a dick.
|
was new to a school. met fat kid. fat kid was annoying. called him retarded. he was actually physically retarded. got almost in trouble. bitch deserved it.
|
calling a kid retarded.
|
[
"this happened in yr7 (6th grade, i live in the uk)",
"and i just remembered this while having a",
"discussion about retarded people (not in bad",
"way).",
"i was new to this school and i was just making",
"some friends and was ending up in good classes as",
"i was a pretty good student. this school was ok",
"but not the best. in some of my classes there was",
"this fat kid, very fat kid and i just assumed he",
"was fat. i had no problem with his weight but as",
"time went by i noticed he was leaving classes 5",
"minutes early and thought his obesity gave him",
"special privileges. not only that when i had to",
"be partnered with him, he wouldn't want to do any",
"work and was just a lazy fat kid and he would be",
"racist to me (i'm asian, he's white).",
"eventually it got so annoying and he kept trying",
"to annoy me i blurted out, 'you're so fucking",
"retarded!'. people around me went silent and the",
"kid just put his head in his hands. five minutes",
"later he looked up to me and said, 'but i am",
"actually retarded.'",
"this took me a while to process. it turns out the",
"reason he leaves early is because he has a",
"condition; fragile bones that could easily break",
"or get swollen on impact. i never knew.",
"i got sent to the head of the year earlier and",
"because this was my first incident and i didn't",
"know, he let me off with a warning.",
"i don't regret it though, the kid was a dick."
] |
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] |
i was new to this school and i was just making work and was just a lazy fat kid and he would be eventually it got so annoying and he kept trying actually retarded.'
|
6 | 0 | 0.86 | 6 |
fair warning, this will be quite lengthy - but i felt it's a funny tale to tell.
this happened pretty recently and when i finally plumped home on my bed, exhausted as fuck, i laughed so hard about the events of the past days.
i'd been traveling around for about a month - pretty much backpacking wherever i felt like going. so one day, i find myself in czech republic and am lovin' it there. i meet someone, taste the night life with my hostel mates, i enjoy a bit of this and that. naturally, before i know it, i'm pretty much broke. i tell myself no big deal, i prebooked my train back to germany, and i've got a return plane ticket back home (asia), so i just need to survive a few more days.
my train is early the next morning - can't afford to miss it, so i pull an all nighter. once on the train, i'm so damn exhausted i'm afraid i'll miss my stop (it isn't a direct train, and stops for only a short while). again, i stay up. thus, i end up in germany, desperately needing a place to stay and sleep. i arrive at a hostel and am about to book a room with my remaining cash when holy shit - i meet someone i'd met traveling 2 weeks ago. obviously, it's meant to be that our paths cross, and so we spend the entire day together. as it so often happens, we run into more people and decide to hit up (several) bars. again, it looks like i won't be sleeping much tonight.
fast forward through the alcohol-fueled night, and i'm rushing for the airport and barely making my flight. once on the plane, i proceed to kill time, chat with people and read. sadly i can't really sleep on airplanes, so my slumber will have to wait longer. i arrive at the airport where i'm supposed to switch flights, find my flight delayed, and proceed to find myself a seat and wait for boarding (~3am).
i close my eyes for a second (one second!), and when they open, the sun's out. "fuck, fuck, fuck" i'm yelling as i scramble up and waddle over to someone who can help me. turns out, most people can't. you'd think it would be easy to book a plane in an airport, but it's actually quite the opposite. everyone i talked to straight up told me the airport couldn't help me. even if the airport could book me another flight, it's peak season, so it's unlikely i'll get a flight any time soon. there's one person back home who can help, but their exact words before i left home were "i swear to god, if you miss your flight i will just laugh at your face." i swallow my pride, brace for the worst, open my phone and call a friend for help. after the obligatory "i told you so's" and "you're a goddamn idiot," we manage to clear up the issue and book another flight home (which in itself took another 2-3 hours). the ticket cost me a fortune. the earliest flight i'll catch is tomorrow afternoon, and since i don't have the proper visa, i'm stuck in the airport. just for kicks, i stream "the terminal" on my phone. i take a nap afterwards, but missing my flight has scared me so bad, i wake up several times after and basically end up walking around killing time before the flight.
despite not being a person who easily sleeps on planes, when i finally boarded my next one, i slept like a goddamn baby.
|
through a series of several bad decisions, i end up not sleeping for 2 days, which leads me to miss my connecting flight. after paying a fortune for the new ticket, i then spend the next 24 hours reenacting "the terminal."**
|
missing my connecting flight.
|
[
"fair warning, this will be quite lengthy - but i",
"felt it's a funny tale to tell.",
"this happened pretty recently and when i finally",
"plumped home on my bed, exhausted as fuck, i",
"laughed so hard about the events of the past",
"days.",
"i'd been traveling around for about a month -",
"pretty much backpacking wherever i felt like",
"going. so one day, i find myself in czech",
"republic and am lovin' it there. i meet someone,",
"taste the night life with my hostel mates, i",
"enjoy a bit of this and that. naturally, before i",
"know it, i'm pretty much broke. i tell myself no",
"big deal, i prebooked my train back to germany,",
"and i've got a return plane ticket back home",
"(asia), so i just need to survive a few more",
"days.",
"my train is early the next morning - can't afford",
"to miss it, so i pull an all nighter. once on the",
"train, i'm so damn exhausted i'm afraid i'll miss",
"my stop (it isn't a direct train, and stops for",
"only a short while). again, i stay up. thus, i",
"end up in germany, desperately needing a place to",
"stay and sleep. i arrive at a hostel and am about",
"to book a room with my remaining cash when holy",
"shit - i meet someone i'd met traveling 2 weeks",
"ago. obviously, it's meant to be that our paths",
"cross, and so we spend the entire day together.",
"as it so often happens, we run into more people",
"and decide to hit up (several) bars. again, it",
"looks like i won't be sleeping much tonight.",
"fast forward through the alcohol-fueled night,",
"and i'm rushing for the airport and barely making",
"my flight. once on the plane, i proceed to kill",
"time, chat with people and read. sadly i can't",
"really sleep on airplanes, so my slumber will",
"have to wait longer. i arrive at the airport",
"where i'm supposed to switch flights, find my",
"flight delayed, and proceed to find myself a seat",
"and wait for boarding (~3am).",
"i close my eyes for a second (one second!), and",
"when they open, the sun's out. \"fuck, fuck, fuck\"",
"i'm yelling as i scramble up and waddle over to",
"someone who can help me. turns out, most people",
"can't. you'd think it would be easy to book a",
"plane in an airport, but it's actually quite the",
"opposite. everyone i talked to straight up told",
"me the airport couldn't help me. even if the",
"airport could book me another flight, it's peak",
"season, so it's unlikely i'll get a flight any",
"time soon. there's one person back home who can",
"help, but their exact words before i left home",
"were \"i swear to god, if you miss your flight i",
"will just laugh at your face.\" i swallow my",
"pride, brace for the worst, open my phone and",
"call a friend for help. after the obligatory \"i",
"told you so's\" and \"you're a goddamn idiot,\" we",
"manage to clear up the issue and book another",
"flight home (which in itself took another 2-3",
"hours). the ticket cost me a fortune. the",
"earliest flight i'll catch is tomorrow afternoon,",
"and since i don't have the proper visa, i'm stuck",
"in the airport. just for kicks, i stream \"the",
"terminal\" on my phone. i take a nap afterwards,",
"but missing my flight has scared me so bad, i",
"wake up several times after and basically end up",
"walking around killing time before the flight.",
"despite not being a person who easily sleeps on",
"planes, when i finally boarded my next one, i",
"slept like a goddamn baby."
] |
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days. were "i swear to god, if you miss your flight i pride, brace for the worst, open my phone and hours). the ticket cost me a fortune. the wake up several times after and basically end up
|
26 | 8 | 0.85 | 26 |
so he was asking me about what i was afraid about school and i was going and to the 5th i grade. anyways i told him that the only thing i was afraid of was going to the front of the class and getting a bohner and now the entire family knows and is laughing at me
|
never trust your uncle
|
telling my uncle when i was 10 something i should not have
|
[
"so he was asking me about what i was afraid about",
"school and i was going and to the 5th i grade.",
"anyways i told him that the only thing i was",
"afraid of was going to the front of the class",
"and getting a bohner and now the entire family",
"knows and is laughing at me"
] |
[
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | |
7 | 8 | 0.7 | 7 |
hi reddit!! happened about 15 minutes ago:d just cuddling into the sheets about to go to sleep when i get a text from my dad. i live abroad and the time difference is 8+ hours. he only ever texts when he wants to skype so i ask him if he wants to skype. it's almost midnight here at this point and i'm not in the mood for bs so when he doesn't reply i get annoyed because now i have to turn on my laptop that i had just shut down two minutes earlier. i go on skype. he's not online. no text yet. i'm practically fuming so i give up and turn off laptop. then, right after it's shut down he texts back saying he tried to skype but to no avail. f&)!@:!&;¥?!ck!!!! are you fucking kidding me?? i turn into a crazy woman and slam my hand down on my laptop and throw the mouse against the table. and when i try to boot up my laptop again it stays black.. oh shit.. eventually i manage to turn it on but it won't boot normally and brings me to these scary text screens of death;_; so yeah.. i broke my $1500+ laptop (less than a year old) because i'm a big child..
i'm going to go to bed now...goodnight..
|
i have fists of steel
|
checking my phone just before going to bed
|
[
"hi reddit!! happened about 15 minutes ago:d just",
"cuddling into the sheets about to go to sleep",
"when i get a text from my dad. i live abroad and",
"the time difference is 8+ hours. he only ever",
"texts when he wants to skype so i ask him if he",
"wants to skype. it's almost midnight here at this",
"point and i'm not in the mood for bs so when he",
"doesn't reply i get annoyed because now i have to",
"turn on my laptop that i had just shut down two",
"minutes earlier. i go on skype. he's not online.",
"no text yet. i'm practically fuming so i give up",
"and turn off laptop. then, right after it's shut",
"down he texts back saying he tried to skype but",
"to no avail. f&)!@:!&;¥?!ck!!!! are you fucking",
"kidding me?? i turn into a crazy woman and slam",
"my hand down on my laptop and throw the mouse",
"against the table. and when i try to boot up my",
"laptop again it stays black.. oh shit..",
"eventually i manage to turn it on but it won't",
"boot normally and brings me to these scary text",
"screens of death;_; so yeah.. i broke my $1500+",
"laptop (less than a year old) because i'm a big",
"child..",
"i'm going to go to bed now...goodnight.."
] |
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doesn't reply i get annoyed because now i have to
|
2 | 4 | 1 | 2 |
so i work at this place with a lost and found. there was this iphone found in january (it's now august) and had been sitting in the lost and found since. it had a cracked screen/lcd, plus a lock screen. so, there was no real way to contact the owner. i liked the idea of trying to replace the cracked screen plus having an iphone, so i took it by at&t (it had an at&t sim card inside) and asked them if it was usable by any means and they said it was. so i bought a new screen for it and repaired it. i restored it through itunes only to find that it had been activation locked through the original owner. luckily there was a phone number(with no area code, for some reason) on the message so that i could call the owner of the phone. i called 4 times with no answer and then began to wonder if i had the wrong number. she eventually called back, confused. i asked her if she lost an iphone in january, and she asked if it was a cracked, blue iphone 5c. i had her phone so immediately she cracked a bitchy attitude asking where she could pick up her phone. i then began to tell her about the fact that i had replaced the broken screen and the total had been about a hundred dollars, hoping that she would give me a reimbursement for my efforts. she didn't even let me finish talking, she immediately started yelling at me calling me a thief and telling me to give me her name and address or she'd call the police. i told her i don't trust her to come to my home, and we could meet up and she could have her phone back. however, she kept calling me a thief and demanded i give her my information. she wasn't being very nice and was really rude/intimidating so i said "whatever, i tried being nice." and hung up on her. i felt kind of good after that.. but i texted her telling her i'd take it to the police station and she can pick it up there. she demanded i meet her and should have taken it to the at&t store where she bought it(because, right they're going to want that shitty phone.) well i told her she'll have her phone with the old screen back (which had actually been torn apart after putting the new screen on for the sake of entertainment). she called the police and they contacted me and confiscated the torn apart phone and told me i have a court date for my damage to property charges .
|
i repaired an iphone, contacted the owner, asked for a reimbursement, got yelled at, now going to court.
|
trying to be a decent person..
|
[
"so i work at this place with a lost and found.",
"there was this iphone found in january (it's now",
"august) and had been sitting in the lost and",
"found since. it had a cracked screen/lcd, plus a",
"lock screen. so, there was no real way to contact",
"the owner. i liked the idea of trying to replace",
"the cracked screen plus having an iphone, so i",
"took it by at&t (it had an at&t sim card inside)",
"and asked them if it was usable by any means and",
"they said it was. so i bought a new screen for it",
"and repaired it. i restored it through itunes",
"only to find that it had been activation locked",
"through the original owner. luckily there was a",
"phone number(with no area code, for some reason)",
"on the message so that i could call the owner of",
"the phone. i called 4 times with no answer and",
"then began to wonder if i had the wrong number.",
"she eventually called back, confused. i asked her",
"if she lost an iphone in january, and she asked",
"if it was a cracked, blue iphone 5c. i had her",
"phone so immediately she cracked a bitchy",
"attitude asking where she could pick up her",
"phone. i then began to tell her about the fact",
"that i had replaced the broken screen and the",
"total had been about a hundred dollars, hoping",
"that she would give me a reimbursement for my",
"efforts. she didn't even let me finish talking,",
"she immediately started yelling at me calling me",
"a thief and telling me to give me her name and",
"address or she'd call the police. i told her i",
"don't trust her to come to my home, and we could",
"meet up and she could have her phone back.",
"however, she kept calling me a thief and demanded",
"i give her my information. she wasn't being very",
"nice and was really rude/intimidating so i said",
"\"whatever, i tried being nice.\" and hung up on",
"her. i felt kind of good after that.. but i",
"texted her telling her i'd take it to the police",
"station and she can pick it up there. she",
"demanded i meet her and should have taken it to",
"the at&t store where she bought it(because, right",
"they're going to want that shitty phone.) well i",
"told her she'll have her phone with the old",
"screen back (which had actually been torn apart",
"after putting the new screen on for the sake of",
"entertainment). she called the police and they",
"contacted me and confiscated the torn apart phone",
"and told me i have a court date for my damage to",
"property charges ."
] |
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the owner. i liked the idea of trying to replace if she lost an iphone in january, and she asked that she would give me a reimbursement for my
|
0 | 3 | 0.5 | 0 |
title says it all, but here's the story. i was referred to a property management company by my partner's friend, who is also the owner. i interviewed with the vp and two regional managers and actually offered the position at the end of the meeting. they hired me through a temp agency until my background and drug test was completed. the position was an assistant manager for the lowish rate of $16/hr. i had stopped smoking marijuana about 3 weeks prior while i was job hunting. however, this test was a hair test. i was surprised they removed 3 spots the size of a pencil eraser from the back of my head. i went to work for them for a few days until yesterday. i was called into the office and told something in my background didn't clear, so i had to go home and wait for a call from hr. i called hr right away, they said they couldn't discuss it with me that i would be getting a call from their drug testing agency to discuss. it wasn't until about 3:30pm or so that i received a call from a company out of salt lake city. i spoke with a doctor who immediately told me there is no patient confidentiality with him and my phone call would be recorded and everything shared with my employer. he asked if i had a prescription for marinol. i said no. he then asked if i had a medical marijuana card. i said no. (i use to have a medical marijuana card, but it expired and for me it's easier to buy recreationally now that that is a legal option) anyway, he said, "ok i'll share your positive results with your company best of luck."
i felt like a criminal, with patchy hair, sent home from work, being talked down to by some judgemental doctor in salt lake city of all places. i have done nothing illegal in colorado and i certainly did it on my own time. but now i feel like such a loser not being able to get a $16/hr job.
i can't help to think this company is reaping the money and windfall in both residential and commercial real estate that marijuana has brought to colorado. for those who aren't aware, commercial real estate has gone gangbusters here because of grow facilities and the fact the industry cannot use the banking system, so they are buying million dollar properties in cash and pushing other businesses out of typical low price commercial real estate. it really has disrupted the industry. as for residential, denver has the highest growth in residential real estate, rental rates are now very close san francisco rates. so they are happy to take the money from the industry, but not value the people. argh, i'm so mad and confused.
|
hired, then fired for hair drug test that came back positive for marijuana
|
failed employment hair drug test.
|
[
"title says it all, but here's the story. i was",
"referred to a property management company by my",
"partner's friend, who is also the owner. i",
"interviewed with the vp and two regional managers",
"and actually offered the position at the end of",
"the meeting. they hired me through a temp agency",
"until my background and drug test was completed.",
"the position was an assistant manager for the",
"lowish rate of $16/hr. i had stopped smoking",
"marijuana about 3 weeks prior while i was job",
"hunting. however, this test was a hair test. i",
"was surprised they removed 3 spots the size of a",
"pencil eraser from the back of my head. i went",
"to work for them for a few days until yesterday.",
"i was called into the office and told something",
"in my background didn't clear, so i had to go",
"home and wait for a call from hr. i called hr",
"right away, they said they couldn't discuss it",
"with me that i would be getting a call from their",
"drug testing agency to discuss. it wasn't until",
"about 3:30pm or so that i received a call from a",
"company out of salt lake city. i spoke with a",
"doctor who immediately told me there is no",
"patient confidentiality with him and my phone",
"call would be recorded and everything shared with",
"my employer. he asked if i had a prescription",
"for marinol. i said no. he then asked if i had a",
"medical marijuana card. i said no. (i use to",
"have a medical marijuana card, but it expired and",
"for me it's easier to buy recreationally now",
"that that is a legal option) anyway, he said,",
"\"ok i'll share your positive results with your",
"company best of luck.\"",
"i felt like a criminal, with patchy hair, sent",
"home from work, being talked down to by some",
"judgemental doctor in salt lake city of all",
"places. i have done nothing illegal in colorado",
"and i certainly did it on my own time. but now i",
"feel like such a loser not being able to get a",
"$16/hr job.",
"i can't help to think this company is reaping the",
"money and windfall in both residential and",
"commercial real estate that marijuana has brought",
"to colorado. for those who aren't aware,",
"commercial real estate has gone gangbusters here",
"because of grow facilities and the fact the",
"industry cannot use the banking system, so they",
"are buying million dollar properties in cash and",
"pushing other businesses out of typical low price",
"commercial real estate. it really has disrupted",
"the industry. as for residential, denver has the",
"highest growth in residential real estate, rental",
"rates are now very close san francisco rates. so",
"they are happy to take the money from the",
"industry, but not value the people. argh, i'm so",
"mad and confused."
] |
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until my background and drug test was completed. commercial real estate that marijuana has brought
|
63 | 25 | 0.91 | 63 |
sorry for any mistakes in grammar, i'm not a native speaker.
this fuck up happened last friday.
i got invited to celebrate the 5 year anniversary of a mate and his gf. usually i avoid being the first one at a party so i decided to arrive a bit later - one hour actually. so, everyone already started drinking and as soon as i gave my mate the present i decided to drink too. there was this kind of cute girl and i immediately sat down next to her (there was no other space anyway).
after 2 hours of having fun and drinking together (with the girl i previously mentioned), alcohol started to have an effect on me and on her obviously. so i dropped my drink and had to stoop to pick it up again. this was the moment when i thought it couldn't get worse. my jeans was so tight and i don't know why i decided to wear them at this evening, but as soon as i stooped, my pants ripped and my cute little boxers where looking at her.
approximately 10 people immediately started laughing and at this moment i was so embarrassed. probably the weakest moment of my life. they won't stop laughing for about five minutes when suddenly a weird smell began to surround the room. it smelled so awful, i can't even explain it. so everyone was trying to figure out where this stench came from and it was the girl i was talking to the whole evening.
she literally laughed so hard, that she shit in her pants. going all red she stood up, revealing a brown spot through her leggings and charging out of the room.
p.s. i'm going out with her this saturday. she actually destroyed my imagination of women shitting with the beautiful smell of flowers surrounding the bathroom so it can't get more worse. i'm 22 btw. and this truly beautiful perception should have lasted longer. :(
|
ripping my pants by trying to grab a drink i dropped and making a girl laugh so hard that she literally shit in her pants.
|
ripping my pants and making a girl activating her brown pen
|
[
"sorry for any mistakes in grammar, i'm not a",
"native speaker.",
"this fuck up happened last friday.",
"i got invited to celebrate the 5 year anniversary",
"of a mate and his gf. usually i avoid being the",
"first one at a party so i decided to arrive a bit",
"later - one hour actually. so, everyone already",
"started drinking and as soon as i gave my mate",
"the present i decided to drink too. there was",
"this kind of cute girl and i immediately sat down",
"next to her (there was no other space anyway).",
"after 2 hours of having fun and drinking together",
"(with the girl i previously mentioned), alcohol",
"started to have an effect on me and on her",
"obviously. so i dropped my drink and had to stoop",
"to pick it up again. this was the moment when i",
"thought it couldn't get worse. my jeans was so",
"tight and i don't know why i decided to wear them",
"at this evening, but as soon as i stooped, my",
"pants ripped and my cute little boxers where",
"looking at her.",
"approximately 10 people immediately started",
"laughing and at this moment i was so embarrassed.",
"probably the weakest moment of my life. they",
"won't stop laughing for about five minutes when",
"suddenly a weird smell began to surround the",
"room. it smelled so awful, i can't even explain",
"it. so everyone was trying to figure out where",
"this stench came from and it was the girl i was",
"talking to the whole evening.",
"she literally laughed so hard, that she shit in",
"her pants. going all red she stood up, revealing",
"a brown spot through her leggings and charging",
"out of the room.",
"p.s. i'm going out with her this saturday. she",
"actually destroyed my imagination of women",
"shitting with the beautiful smell of flowers",
"surrounding the bathroom so it can't get more",
"worse. i'm 22 btw. and this truly beautiful",
"perception should have lasted longer. :("
] |
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obviously. so i dropped my drink and had to stoop she literally laughed so hard, that she shit in
|
3 | 3 | 1 | 3 |
obligatory "this didn't happen today". it happened about 5-6 years ago when i was about 14-15.
i'd just gotten my first "real" group of friends in secondary school. i'd also somehow managed to get myself a real girlfriend. one summers day, my group arranged to meet up at the park, which we did. however, it was getting increasingly hot. my friend mentioned that he had a bunch of pepsi and coke in his house that he could bring to the park (his house was only like 5 minutes away) and i said i will go with him to help him carry it all.
well we got there and he discovered that his brother had just got back from poland and had brought some alcohol home with him, absinthe if i remember correctly. my friend put a bit of it in one of the bottles of coke and we drank the bottle between us whilst walking back to the park.
one of us (i can't remember who) came up with the legendary idea of pretending we were completely smashed. we went through with it.
fast forward about 30 minutes and one of my female friends grabs my phone from me and calls my aunt because she says she's worried because of how drunk i am. at this point, i am fully shitting myself. i knew my aunt would be cool with me being drunk, but probably not at the park. i think my female friend made it sound like i was blackout drunk so my aunt raced down to the park in her car.
at this point i had no idea what to do. if i came clean and told my friends i was fucking around and wasn't actually drunk, i'd look like a complete dickhead. on the other hand, my aunt was going to take me home to my mom, who would absolutely rek me.
i decided that the latter option was the best one and decided to go with my aunt. i got home (it was about 4pm) and just went straight to bed, scared shitless. my mom was a little less angry that i thought she would be, but i was grounded for a month and wasn't allowed to see my friends or girlfriend. i could see my friends in school, but my school was all-boys, so i couldn't see my girlfriend at all.
to this day, everyone still thinks that i got near-blackout drunk at the park at 3pm.
**
|
hot summers day. me and my friend decided that it would be funny to pretend to be drunk infront of my other friends. was hilarious for a while but one of my friends called my aunt, who then took me home to my mom, who then grounded me for a month. i figured it would be better to keep the lie going and take the punishment rather than look like a cunt infront of my friends.**
|
pretending to be drunk
|
[
"obligatory \"this didn't happen today\". it happened",
"about 5-6 years ago when i was about 14-15.",
"i'd just gotten my first \"real\" group of friends",
"in secondary school. i'd also somehow managed to",
"get myself a real girlfriend. one summers day, my",
"group arranged to meet up at the park, which we",
"did. however, it was getting increasingly hot. my",
"friend mentioned that he had a bunch of pepsi and",
"coke in his house that he could bring to the park",
"(his house was only like 5 minutes away) and i",
"said i will go with him to help him carry it all.",
"well we got there and he discovered that his",
"brother had just got back from poland and had",
"brought some alcohol home with him, absinthe if i",
"remember correctly. my friend put a bit of it in",
"one of the bottles of coke and we drank the",
"bottle between us whilst walking back to the",
"park.",
"one of us (i can't remember who) came up with the",
"legendary idea of pretending we were completely",
"smashed. we went through with it.",
"fast forward about 30 minutes and one of my",
"female friends grabs my phone from me and calls",
"my aunt because she says she's worried because of",
"how drunk i am. at this point, i am fully",
"shitting myself. i knew my aunt would be cool",
"with me being drunk, but probably not at the",
"park. i think my female friend made it sound like",
"i was blackout drunk so my aunt raced down to the",
"park in her car.",
"at this point i had no idea what to do. if i came",
"clean and told my friends i was fucking around",
"and wasn't actually drunk, i'd look like a",
"complete dickhead. on the other hand, my aunt was",
"going to take me home to my mom, who would",
"absolutely rek me.",
"i decided that the latter option was the best one",
"and decided to go with my aunt. i got home (it",
"was about 4pm) and just went straight to bed,",
"scared shitless. my mom was a little less angry",
"that i thought she would be, but i was grounded",
"for a month and wasn't allowed to see my friends",
"or girlfriend. i could see my friends in school,",
"but my school was all-boys, so i couldn't see my",
"girlfriend at all.",
"to this day, everyone still thinks that i got",
"near-blackout drunk at the park at 3pm.",
"**"
] |
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get myself a real girlfriend. one summers day, my remember correctly. my friend put a bit of it in and wasn't actually drunk, i'd look like a complete dickhead. on the other hand, my aunt was going to take me home to my mom, who would that i thought she would be, but i was grounded for a month and wasn't allowed to see my friends
|
152 | 30 | 0.94 | 152 |
you guys know how sometimes when you're scrolling facebook and in your feed there's a small "people you may know" section that might pop up every now and then? well i was browsing through facebook on the train when i saw my colleague's profile there. figured i might do a little stalking even though i barely knew him. i was scrolling through his profile pictures when i feel a tap on my shoulder. it's him. he was behind me the entire time and i didn't fucking notice.
for the record, we are both males and we barely know each other. and our cubicles are really close to each other.
|
facebook stalked a colleague while on the train, he was behind me the whole time
|
stalking a colleague on facebook
|
[
"you guys know how sometimes when you're scrolling",
"facebook and in your feed there's a small \"people",
"you may know\" section that might pop up every now",
"and then? well i was browsing through facebook on",
"the train when i saw my colleague's profile",
"there. figured i might do a little stalking even",
"though i barely knew him. i was scrolling through",
"his profile pictures when i feel a tap on my",
"shoulder. it's him. he was behind me the entire",
"time and i didn't fucking notice.",
"for the record, we are both males and we barely",
"know each other. and our cubicles are really",
"close to each other."
] |
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shoulder. it's him. he was behind me the entire
|
17 | 7 | 0.85 | 17 |
as with most tifus that i have read since i started lurking around in /r/tifu this actually happened a while ago.
to set the mood some background (everybody loves background!): at that time i was somewhere around 15-16, pretty shy and socially awkward.
my best friend invited me to a party his (new) girlfriend was organizing and mentioned that her best friend (let's call her jane) may be interested in me/somebody to have some fun with. young naive me is of course pretty exited about this and looks forward to the party.
especially after being told that there will be midnight swimming in a nearby pool, with basically me, my best friend and 2 or more girls. sounds great, doesn't it?
fast forward to the evening of the party:
first, a major inconvenience for me, its not just my friend, his gf, jane and me, we are joined by some more of the gfs friends (all female). socially awkward me gets very nervous because of all the females. the party goes on, some drinking, some party games, lots of talking. it turns 12 and we all go outside to the pool, discard our clothes and commence to have fun with lots of splashing water and chattering teeth.
after getting out again, we split up in 2 groups, my friend, his gf, jane and me, going to jane's house to dry of, while the others head to another girls house. friend and gf soon leave us to have some alone time in gfs room, leaving me alone with jane.
so there i am in an unfamiliar bedroom, only in boxershorts with a rather attractive girl, also only in underwear, both rolled into a blanket. i nervously start up a conversation, talking about basically anything that comes to my mind, until she says "i'm cold" (still basically naked). young and stupid me does what comes first to my mind, i grab her jacket that's on a chair right next to me and throw it at her. she looks at me with a very strange face that i can't quite understand and i keep on talking.
5 minutes later my slow (and maybe still half-frozen) brain catches up with what she wanted from me and i just want to hit myself. trying to salvage the situation i ask: "are you still cold?" of course, the answer is no because my stupid chattering killed all of her interest in me.
of course, after the party my bf asked me how it went and i told the story. to this day he still makes fun of me for it (and he's right). i made my peace with the tale and like to tell it for laughs and giggles now, so i thought i could also share it with a broader audience ;)
edit: formatting and spelling, sorry, english is not my native language.
|
basically naked girl says "i'm cold", stupid me grabs a jacket and throws it at her.
|
handing out a jacket
|
[
"as with most tifus that i have read since i",
"started lurking around in /r/tifu this actually",
"happened a while ago.",
"to set the mood some background (everybody loves",
"background!): at that time i was somewhere around",
"15-16, pretty shy and socially awkward.",
"my best friend invited me to a party his (new)",
"girlfriend was organizing and mentioned that her",
"best friend (let's call her jane) may be",
"interested in me/somebody to have some fun with.",
"young naive me is of course pretty exited about",
"this and looks forward to the party.",
"especially after being told that there will be",
"midnight swimming in a nearby pool, with",
"basically me, my best friend and 2 or more girls.",
"sounds great, doesn't it?",
"fast forward to the evening of the party:",
"first, a major inconvenience for me, its not just",
"my friend, his gf, jane and me, we are joined by",
"some more of the gfs friends (all female).",
"socially awkward me gets very nervous because of",
"all the females. the party goes on, some",
"drinking, some party games, lots of talking. it",
"turns 12 and we all go outside to the pool,",
"discard our clothes and commence to have fun with",
"lots of splashing water and chattering teeth.",
"after getting out again, we split up in 2 groups,",
"my friend, his gf, jane and me, going to jane's",
"house to dry of, while the others head to another",
"girls house. friend and gf soon leave us to have",
"some alone time in gfs room, leaving me alone",
"with jane.",
"so there i am in an unfamiliar bedroom, only in",
"boxershorts with a rather attractive girl, also",
"only in underwear, both rolled into a blanket. i",
"nervously start up a conversation, talking about",
"basically anything that comes to my mind, until",
"she says \"i'm cold\" (still basically naked).",
"young and stupid me does what comes first to my",
"mind, i grab her jacket that's on a chair right",
"next to me and throw it at her. she looks at me",
"with a very strange face that i can't quite",
"understand and i keep on talking.",
"5 minutes later my slow (and maybe still",
"half-frozen) brain catches up with what she",
"wanted from me and i just want to hit myself.",
"trying to salvage the situation i ask: \"are you",
"still cold?\" of course, the answer is no because",
"my stupid chattering killed all of her interest",
"in me.",
"of course, after the party my bf asked me how it",
"went and i told the story. to this day he still",
"makes fun of me for it (and he's right). i made",
"my peace with the tale and like to tell it for",
"laughs and giggles now, so i thought i could also",
"share it with a broader audience ;)",
"edit: formatting and spelling, sorry, english is",
"not my native language."
] |
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she says "i'm cold" (still basically naked). next to me and throw it at her. she looks at me
|
11 | 3 | 0.85 | 11 |
this happened a few years ago but i told this to a friend earlier and they suggested i post it.
i have dyed my hair for many years now, all colors under the sun but this time it was a [pink/purple color](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-thing?.out=jpg&size=l&tid=7845983).
usually i know better and put a vaseline barrier so that i don't end up with pink stains but this particular time i had run out and decided to risk it. i was super careful while applying it and didn't spill a drop!
this bottle had been sitting around for a while though and i guess it got stronger than i am used to because as the rinse-water was streaming down my face it dyed it pink! this was not a soft glowy pink oh no, this was a hot pink/purple. i had work the next day in an office setting (they are laid back enough that they don't care about piercings, tattoos or hair color but i have a feeling this would have been too far.) so i needed an immediate fix.
this is where the fu happened. i decided to consult the internet for a solution to my predicament. the first thing i saw that i thought would work was to use nail polish remover.
solution #1. i promptly scrubbed the shit out of my face with paper towels and nail polish remover trying desperately to remove some of this tint. i have a feeling that for a spot cleaning this might work but all it did for me was to scrape my skin raw.
onto solution #2 which is toothpaste. again on its own or for a small spot this might just do the trick. this was a bad idea considering i had just removed the first layer of skin with nailpolish remover. so i started applying/massaging this toothpaste onto my face when i get this strange sensation. you know that feeling when you pop in a strong piece of gum? that feeling like winter just took a shit in your mouth? amplify that by 100 and add in the stinging from step 1 and you will know the agony that was my poor face. at least it smelled fresh.
at the end of the day my face was more red than the dye had made it due to my " valiant efforts" and i took the next day off work to recover.
|
gave myself a minty-pink chemical peel
|
dying my hair pink
|
[
"this happened a few years ago but i told this to a",
"friend earlier and they suggested i post it.",
"i have dyed my hair for many years now, all",
"colors under the sun but this time it was a",
"[pink/purple",
"color](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-thing?.out",
"=jpg&size=l&tid=7845983).",
"usually i know better and put a vaseline barrier",
"so that i don't end up with pink stains but this",
"particular time i had run out and decided to risk",
"it. i was super careful while applying it and",
"didn't spill a drop!",
"this bottle had been sitting around for a while",
"though and i guess it got stronger than i am used",
"to because as the rinse-water was streaming down",
"my face it dyed it pink! this was not a soft",
"glowy pink oh no, this was a hot pink/purple. i",
"had work the next day in an office setting (they",
"are laid back enough that they don't care about",
"piercings, tattoos or hair color but i have a",
"feeling this would have been too far.) so i",
"needed an immediate fix.",
"this is where the fu happened. i decided to",
"consult the internet for a solution to my",
"predicament. the first thing i saw that i thought",
"would work was to use nail polish remover.",
"solution #1. i promptly scrubbed the shit out of",
"my face with paper towels and nail polish remover",
"trying desperately to remove some of this tint. i",
"have a feeling that for a spot cleaning this",
"might work but all it did for me was to scrape my",
"skin raw.",
"onto solution #2 which is toothpaste. again on",
"its own or for a small spot this might just do",
"the trick. this was a bad idea considering i had",
"just removed the first layer of skin with",
"nailpolish remover. so i started",
"applying/massaging this toothpaste onto my face",
"when i get this strange sensation. you know that",
"feeling when you pop in a strong piece of gum?",
"that feeling like winter just took a shit in your",
"mouth? amplify that by 100 and add in the",
"stinging from step 1 and you will know the agony",
"that was my poor face. at least it smelled fresh.",
"at the end of the day my face was more red than",
"the dye had made it due to my \" valiant efforts\"",
"and i took the next day off work to recover."
] |
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didn't spill a drop!
|
3 | 3 | 0.71 | 3 |
this happened while traveling back from a week-long business trip to london. i was in the rental car drop off "shack" with my fellow american travelers trying to help sort out some issues with the car when i spotted someone from the back that looked like a friend of mine. now, i knew that this friend was traveling to china that week so, of course, the person i saw from the back was my friend. of course he was. so...without giving it a second thought i went up to the "stranger" and put my arms around his shoulder. now, as soon as i did this i realized that this man was quite a bit more solid than the friend that i was convinced had found himself with me in the rental car drop off. you know...because he was going to china that week. undeterred i fought the feeling that something wasn't quite right and proudly exclaimed, "i bet you never thought you'd see me here did you?" as soon as as i said this the man turned to me and uttered a single, accent-laden "yah...?" i realized that i had completely mistaken him for my friend and said, "well...have a good trip." walking away before he could respond. my fellow travelers looked at me as i returned and i shrugged my shoulders. no one said anything more about it and the more i think about the assumptions i made about who he was the less i trust in any decision i will be making from now on.
|
arm around random stranger whom i mistook for my friend at heathrow made me feel less sure about my ability to make decisions.
|
putting my arm around a random man at heathrow
|
[
"this happened while traveling back from a",
"week-long business trip to london. i was in the",
"rental car drop off \"shack\" with my fellow",
"american travelers trying to help sort out some",
"issues with the car when i spotted someone from",
"the back that looked like a friend of mine. now,",
"i knew that this friend was traveling to china",
"that week so, of course, the person i saw from",
"the back was my friend. of course he was.",
"so...without giving it a second thought i went up",
"to the \"stranger\" and put my arms around his",
"shoulder. now, as soon as i did this i realized",
"that this man was quite a bit more solid than the",
"friend that i was convinced had found himself",
"with me in the rental car drop off. you",
"know...because he was going to china that week.",
"undeterred i fought the feeling that something",
"wasn't quite right and proudly exclaimed, \"i bet",
"you never thought you'd see me here did you?\" as",
"soon as as i said this the man turned to me and",
"uttered a single, accent-laden \"yah...?\" i",
"realized that i had completely mistaken him for",
"my friend and said, \"well...have a good trip.\"",
"walking away before he could respond. my fellow",
"travelers looked at me as i returned and i",
"shrugged my shoulders. no one said anything more",
"about it and the more i think about the",
"assumptions i made about who he was the less i",
"trust in any decision i will be making from now",
"on."
] |
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] |
the back was my friend. of course he was. to the "stranger" and put my arms around his assumptions i made about who he was the less i
|
9 | 4 | 0.68 | 9 |
basically, i was playing a game of rocket league with my boyfriend, and i see someone on the other team had their steam name set as ron jeremy. i then proceeded to make a comment along the lines of "ha, look at this kid naming himself after a soccer player".
the response i received from my boyfriend was "well i guess you can consider him an athlete..." confused by this, i decide to google ron jeremy.
|
i learned my lesson ron jeremy is not a soccer player.
|
thinking ron jeremy was a soccer player
|
[
"basically, i was playing a game of rocket league",
"with my boyfriend, and i see someone on the other",
"team had their steam name set as ron jeremy. i",
"then proceeded to make a comment along the lines",
"of \"ha, look at this kid naming himself after a",
"soccer player\".",
"the response i received from my boyfriend was",
"\"well i guess you can consider him an athlete...\"",
"confused by this, i decide to google ron jeremy."
] |
[
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0.054021797950026235,
0.0135504007429308,
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0.2742321094965442,
0,
0.452511975087574
] |
soccer player". confused by this, i decide to google ron jeremy.
|
59 | 34 | 0.9 | 59 |
this morning i was preparing my salad for my lunch at work. now i am not a big fan of salads, i actually despise them, but i eat them because i am trying to lose weight. in order to make my salads tolerable i add a lot of protein. today my protein of choice was my favorite meat, bacon. i started cooking the bacon, the crackling starts as soon as it hits the pan. the bacon symphony rings through my ears and the smell lurks through the air like a gift from the heavens. my bacon finishes cooking, i cooked it perfectly, slightly crispy but still remaining semi-soft. it was magnificent! i dab it down slightly with a paper towel and i grab a big chef's knife to cut it down into chunks suitable for my salad. after i finished cutting it, i slide the chunks into my salad and look at the blade. the blade is covered with little pieces and the residue of that beautiful meat. i decide "i cannot let this bacon be wasted! i must eat it!" i didn't want to get my fingers greasy so i decided "hey, ladmg, just lick that sweet juicy bacon right off the blade."
and that my fellow redditors, is how i cut my tongue this morning.
|
love bacon, hate salads, cut my bacon, then cut my tongue.
|
loving bacon too much
|
[
"this morning i was preparing my salad for my lunch",
"at work. now i am not a big fan of salads, i",
"actually despise them, but i eat them because i",
"am trying to lose weight. in order to make my",
"salads tolerable i add a lot of protein. today my",
"protein of choice was my favorite meat, bacon. i",
"started cooking the bacon, the crackling starts",
"as soon as it hits the pan. the bacon symphony",
"rings through my ears and the smell lurks through",
"the air like a gift from the heavens. my bacon",
"finishes cooking, i cooked it perfectly, slightly",
"crispy but still remaining semi-soft. it was",
"magnificent! i dab it down slightly with a paper",
"towel and i grab a big chef's knife to cut it",
"down into chunks suitable for my salad. after i",
"finished cutting it, i slide the chunks into my",
"salad and look at the blade. the blade is covered",
"with little pieces and the residue of that",
"beautiful meat. i decide \"i cannot let this bacon",
"be wasted! i must eat it!\" i didn't want to get",
"my fingers greasy so i decided \"hey, ladmg, just",
"lick that sweet juicy bacon right off the blade.\"",
"and that my fellow redditors, is how i cut my",
"tongue this morning."
] |
[
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] |
the air like a gift from the heavens. my bacon tongue this morning.
|
2 | 4 | 0.63 | 2 |
i water my grass a bit in the mornings before work. it still dark and i have a sprinkler on the end of a hose. usually i water 3 areas, so i have to move the sprinkler twice each morning.
today i ran out to grab the sprinkler to move it, dodging it's spray. in the dark, and my haste, i didn't grab just the hose, but the hose and a pile of freshly watered dog crap.
needless to say, i had to hold on so i could lean the sprinkler away from my face. tis better to have dog crap on your hand than to have dog crap on your hand and a sprinkler spraying you in the face.
side note, before i get beat up. i live in the midwest. we have water. lots of it. it's nice. also, i only water my backyard because mowing regularly helps remove the pollen buildup, which has my dog chewing on her nearly bald feet as is.
|
i grabbed a hose in the dark and got a shitload more than i bargained for.
|
grabbing a pile of dog crap
|
[
"i water my grass a bit in the mornings before",
"work. it still dark and i have a sprinkler on the",
"end of a hose. usually i water 3 areas, so i have",
"to move the sprinkler twice each morning.",
"today i ran out to grab the sprinkler to move it,",
"dodging it's spray. in the dark, and my haste, i",
"didn't grab just the hose, but the hose and a",
"pile of freshly watered dog crap.",
"needless to say, i had to hold on so i could lean",
"the sprinkler away from my face. tis better to",
"have dog crap on your hand than to have dog crap",
"on your hand and a sprinkler spraying you in the",
"face.",
"side note, before i get beat up. i live in the",
"midwest. we have water. lots of it. it's nice.",
"also, i only water my backyard because mowing",
"regularly helps remove the pollen buildup, which",
"has my dog chewing on her nearly bald feet as is."
] |
[
1,
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0.02316054416037028,
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0
] |
dodging it's spray. in the dark, and my haste, i
|
202 | 31 | 0.93 | 202 |
this happened about a year or so ago. it was a cold, saturday night and i went out with some friends to see a band.
since it was cold i wore a hoodie, but inside the venue is warm-ish due to all the people, so once inside i decided to unzip it. stylish right?
well, under my hoodie i was wearing a band shirt. the band's name is "basement", [this is the shirt in particular](http://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0063/2092/products/basement_text_store_mock_large.jpg?1857).
it wasn't until an hour or so that one of my friends took notice of what was on my shirt. my unzipped hoodie was covering up part of the word "basement", in particuar the letters 'b', 'a' & 't'. turns out pretty much the entire night up until that point i was walking around with semen on my chest. was wondering why i got a few weird looks that night haha.
|
went to see a band, discovered semen on my chest.
|
wearing my hoodie unzipped.
|
[
"this happened about a year or so ago. it was a",
"cold, saturday night and i went out with some",
"friends to see a band.",
"since it was cold i wore a hoodie, but inside the",
"venue is warm-ish due to all the people, so once",
"inside i decided to unzip it. stylish right?",
"well, under my hoodie i was wearing a band shirt.",
"the band's name is \"basement\", [this is the shirt",
"in",
"particular](http://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0063",
"/2092/products/basement_text_store_mock_large.jpg?",
"1857).",
"it wasn't until an hour or so that one of my",
"friends took notice of what was on my shirt. my",
"unzipped hoodie was covering up part of the word",
"\"basement\", in particuar the letters 'b', 'a' &",
"'t'. turns out pretty much the entire night up",
"until that point i was walking around with semen",
"on my chest. was wondering why i got a few weird",
"looks that night haha."
] |
[
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0.004864420855421057,
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0.002049595587558974,
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] |
friends to see a band.
|
7 | 6 | 1 | 7 |
woke up, got outta bed and went to go make coffee.
i'm the kinda guy who likes a shitload of sugar in his coffee so i dumped 2.5 tbs into the mug.
took a sip and it tasted like satan himself had risen from my kitchen floor and punched me in the throat.
turns out it was salt.
|
fuck salt.
|
confusing two different white powders.
|
[
"woke up, got outta bed and went to go make coffee.",
"i'm the kinda guy who likes a shitload of sugar",
"in his coffee so i dumped 2.5 tbs into the mug.",
"took a sip and it tasted like satan himself had",
"risen from my kitchen floor and punched me in the",
"throat.",
"turns out it was salt."
] |
[
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
1
] |
turns out it was salt.
|
2 | 5 | 0.67 | 2 |
so i had been planning this hike through mt nebo, near to brisbane, for about 9 months now - always getting pushed back, scout leader not showing up so he didn't sign off the paperwork (dickhead leader) - and we finally got the go ahead to do it, but because it had got pushed back so far it was now in the middle of winter (this happening about a month or two back) and was pretty cold. anyway, we go on this hike - super short for the first day, about 4km, but that just meant i got a whole bunch more time with my gf. the next day was the hardest - about 12km, with a total of 365 meters down, and 475 meters up. we're going along the ridge and we know that the steep downward part is really overgrown and we eventually find a track that is pretty overgrown and we go down that. it turns out that wasn't the turnoff. we eventually made our way through massive overgrowth down into a creek that we knew ran towards our next checkpoint - and our emergency route (we'd gone way overtime and were advised to just get out of there). then i dropped my phone, the only one with power left, into the creek and we ended up going the wrong way.
we got escorted out by pol air 2 (brisbane's police helicopter) at 10 at night. most of us had school the next day. my girlfriend broke up with me over it. i'm now the laughing stock of scouts.
|
got lost on a scout hike and had to get rescued by a rescue heli.
|
leading a scout hike
|
[
"so i had been planning this hike through mt nebo,",
"near to brisbane, for about 9 months now - always",
"getting pushed back, scout leader not showing up",
"so he didn't sign off the paperwork (dickhead",
"leader) - and we finally got the go ahead to do",
"it, but because it had got pushed back so far it",
"was now in the middle of winter (this happening",
"about a month or two back) and was pretty cold.",
"anyway, we go on this hike - super short for the",
"first day, about 4km, but that just meant i got a",
"whole bunch more time with my gf. the next day",
"was the hardest - about 12km, with a total of 365",
"meters down, and 475 meters up. we're going along",
"the ridge and we know that the steep downward",
"part is really overgrown and we eventually find a",
"track that is pretty overgrown and we go down",
"that. it turns out that wasn't the turnoff. we",
"eventually made our way through massive",
"overgrowth down into a creek that we knew ran",
"towards our next checkpoint - and our emergency",
"route (we'd gone way overtime and were advised to",
"just get out of there). then i dropped my phone,",
"the only one with power left, into the creek and",
"we ended up going the wrong way.",
"we got escorted out by pol air 2 (brisbane's",
"police helicopter) at 10 at night. most of us had",
"school the next day. my girlfriend broke up with",
"me over it. i'm now the laughing stock of scouts."
] |
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0
] |
leader) - and we finally got the go ahead to do anyway, we go on this hike - super short for the
|
10 | 5 | 0.87 | 10 |
this actually happened almost a year ago, but i just recently started browsing tifu and i wanted to share.
so it's my first year of college and i was just coming off of a terrible first half of 2014 involving depression, anxiety, suicide, the whole 9 yards. going in to school i was doing great. but would still fall into spells of negative thinking hand whatnot every now and again. i met this one guy who out of all the people i had met so far had very similar interests to me. obviously, i started hanging out with him a lot. we went to parties together, helped each other out with stuff, hell he even gave me a bit of a push to go after my current girlfriend. one night we go to a party and he meets this girl and falls for her completely. they start dating and things are going absolutely great for him.
fast forward two months and it's november. i find out this girl dumped him and while trying to comfort him as we walked around campus i found out he could be a pretty bitter guy. but hey, everyone gets a little weird after a break up right? this is fine. he'll bounce back. he didn't though. the next few weeks he starts acting really weird. this is around the time i start slowing down the party life because i wanted to spend more time hanging out with the girl who would soon be my girlfriend and plus the excitement of partying and underage drinking was dying down with the temperature. he would start being super weird about getting me to go out and party with him though. he started getting super pushy about it and would go as far as lying and saying my friends (which he does not know at all) were also going out to the same party. eventually i started shying away from him and avoiding his messages and texts because i needed a bit of breathing room.
fast forward another few weeks and i did it. i wound up the courage to ask out my girlfriend and things are going well. at this point i've completely decided to ignore this person because of how pushy he was getting. thinking back to my old depression, i realized that i should put myself first sometimes and after talking with a lot of closer friends and family that maybe this person wasn't the best for my life. the messages stop coming so all should be well, right? wrong. one night i get a text from him saying he got arrested for stalking and harassing his ex-girlfriend. i take his side for a little bit even though in the back of my head i'm worried about his ex. this is where it starts to get scary for me. cognitive disorders start kicking in and i begin to get paranoid about his whereabouts. he was being kept in the medical dorms on campus where faculty and the police could keep an eye on him but at the time i didn't know that. the constant looming threat of him coming up to me and what he might do to me or someone i know because i had been distant and ignoring him scared the ever living crap out of me and it started to fuck with my head. i talked to his ex and asked if she was okay and checked up on her and talking with her and hearing her perspective of the break up reaffirmed my suspicions and now my fears were even greater.
with all this in mind we're brought to the incident. i'm in bed with my girlfriend. as i was asleep i had a nightmare because of aforementioned events and normally i don't physically react to my dreams in my sleep but this time i did. i don't remember the exact dream, but i knew i was defending myself from something trying to hurt me. i woke myself up and my girlfriend by forcibly punching her in the head and pushing her against the wall. did i mention that i am two times her size? no i don't think i did. i felt awful and apologized my brains out but she said it was okay and told me to go back to sleep.
oh. the trial resulted in him getting kicked out of school. so all of my troubles were gone going into the next semester. i am still with the same girl to this day. she is a champion for putting up with my shit
|
my friend turned psycho after getting dumped and me being scared of what he might do to me led to me assaulting my girlfriend of then only a few weeks.
|
accidentally punching my girlfriend in the head.
|
[
"this actually happened almost a year ago, but i",
"just recently started browsing tifu and i wanted",
"to share.",
"so it's my first year of college and i was just",
"coming off of a terrible first half of 2014",
"involving depression, anxiety, suicide, the whole",
"9 yards. going in to school i was doing great.",
"but would still fall into spells of negative",
"thinking hand whatnot every now and again. i met",
"this one guy who out of all the people i had met",
"so far had very similar interests to me.",
"obviously, i started hanging out with him a lot.",
"we went to parties together, helped each other",
"out with stuff, hell he even gave me a bit of a",
"push to go after my current girlfriend. one night",
"we go to a party and he meets this girl and falls",
"for her completely. they start dating and things",
"are going absolutely great for him.",
"fast forward two months and it's november. i find",
"out this girl dumped him and while trying to",
"comfort him as we walked around campus i found",
"out he could be a pretty bitter guy. but hey,",
"everyone gets a little weird after a break up",
"right? this is fine. he'll bounce back. he didn't",
"though. the next few weeks he starts acting",
"really weird. this is around the time i start",
"slowing down the party life because i wanted to",
"spend more time hanging out with the girl who",
"would soon be my girlfriend and plus the",
"excitement of partying and underage drinking was",
"dying down with the temperature. he would start",
"being super weird about getting me to go out and",
"party with him though. he started getting super",
"pushy about it and would go as far as lying and",
"saying my friends (which he does not know at all)",
"were also going out to the same party. eventually",
"i started shying away from him and avoiding his",
"messages and texts because i needed a bit of",
"breathing room.",
"fast forward another few weeks and i did it. i",
"wound up the courage to ask out my girlfriend and",
"things are going well. at this point i've",
"completely decided to ignore this person because",
"of how pushy he was getting. thinking back to my",
"old depression, i realized that i should put",
"myself first sometimes and after talking with a",
"lot of closer friends and family that maybe this",
"person wasn't the best for my life. the messages",
"stop coming so all should be well, right? wrong.",
"one night i get a text from him saying he got",
"arrested for stalking and harassing his",
"ex-girlfriend. i take his side for a little bit",
"even though in the back of my head i'm worried",
"about his ex. this is where it starts to get",
"scary for me. cognitive disorders start kicking",
"in and i begin to get paranoid about his",
"whereabouts. he was being kept in the medical",
"dorms on campus where faculty and the police",
"could keep an eye on him but at the time i didn't",
"know that. the constant looming threat of him",
"coming up to me and what he might do to me or",
"someone i know because i had been distant and",
"ignoring him scared the ever living crap out of",
"me and it started to fuck with my head. i talked",
"to his ex and asked if she was okay and checked",
"up on her and talking with her and hearing her",
"perspective of the break up reaffirmed my",
"suspicions and now my fears were even greater.",
"with all this in mind we're brought to the",
"incident. i'm in bed with my girlfriend. as i was",
"asleep i had a nightmare because of",
"aforementioned events and normally i don't",
"physically react to my dreams in my sleep but",
"this time i did. i don't remember the exact",
"dream, but i knew i was defending myself from",
"something trying to hurt me. i woke myself up and",
"my girlfriend by forcibly punching her in the",
"head and pushing her against the wall. did i",
"mention that i am two times her size? no i don't",
"think i did. i felt awful and apologized my",
"brains out but she said it was okay and told me",
"to go back to sleep.",
"oh. the trial resulted in him getting kicked out",
"of school. so all of my troubles were gone going",
"into the next semester. i am still with the same",
"girl to this day. she is a champion for putting",
"up with my shit"
] |
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though. the next few weeks he starts acting would soon be my girlfriend and plus the coming up to me and what he might do to me or
|
111 | 39 | 0.9 | 111 |
this happened about 2 years ago. i had watched a youtube video in which two people spent an hour in a [sensory deprivation tank](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/isolation_tank) and then described their experiences. (side note: most sensory deprivation tanks consist of a "pod" or room that is filled about a quarter of the way with skin-temperature water that has dissolved magnesium sulfate, or epsom salt, in it. users float naked in the chamber, and the salt gives the body more buoyancy and allows it to float on the water without effort, and, combined with the temperature of the water, gives the feeling of weightlessness. the salt is also said to be soothing for the skin. the sense of hearing is blocked with earplugs.) it looked like a pretty interesting experience and a good way to relieve stress. people say they've left feeling spiritually liberated and things like that. i thought, "why not?" and searched for a sensory deprivation place near me. i found one that was a few cities away, had mostly positive reviews, offered reasonable pricing, and, from its pictures, looked like a very upscale and clean place. i thought my parents could benefit from it as well, as they're getting old and need a break once in a while, so one saturday i decided to make an appointment for the three of us for 7:00 pm that night.
as that time drew closer and closer, i was having slight doubts. some reviewers had said that they hallucinated or felt strange things. i worried that i'd experience some permanent shift in my psychological state or if the tank would have lasting effects on my brain. but 6 o'clock rolled around and i reasoned myself into going.
my parents and i drove to the building and walked into the self-described "clinic". it was a lot smaller than i had expected. one of the owners introduced herself and led us down a hallway. she gave us a tour of the three small private rooms we would be using, each of which consisted of a shower area and the tank itself, which was actually more of a bathtub enclosed in a pitch-dark room that was accessed by a hatch on the side. the tub was about 6 feet 6 inches long and about 4 feet wide, so you could lie down without touching the sides of the walls without a problem. we were to shower and then plug our ears with earplugs. when our time was up, dim lights would turn on in the tank and soft music would play to indicate we were finished. at this point our session would be starting, but we were free to step out at any time to use the restroom and such. so, my mother, father, and i enter our respective rooms and begin showering. this is when the first real fuck-up happens.
i put my earplugs in incorrectly and they fell out a couple seconds after i inserted them. being the dumbass that i am, i adjust them for about ten minutes, to no avail. i gave up, and since i wanted to make the most of my hour-and-thirty-minutes-long session, i stepped into the tank/room, with the earplugs loosely fitted in my ear. ironically, if i had spent five minutes more fixing my earplugs, i would have enjoyed my damn experience much more.
i took a small, tentative step into the tub, swung my whole body in, sat down slowly, and then closed the hatch. i spent the first three minutes sitting down in utter darkness, not confident enough yet to lie down. at that moment i understood what it felt like to not be able to see your hand in front of your face. i began to lie down slowly, and one of my earplugs fell out *again*. cursing, i thought that i would not need it, as my ears would be under the surface of the water and the sloshing will be less audible. i lie down completely in the water, and my hunch proved to be right.
the next thirty minutes or so can only be described as weird. at first i was still getting over my anxiety, but i began to gradually relax and let my thoughts wander. i first imagined that i was drifting endlessly through space, much like bender does in that one [futurama episode](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okbawiq3w7u). next i imagined i was swimming next to a palm-tree lined island, and began to dive down into the depths. then something truly strange happened. i had an irresistible urge to wave my arms about like a jellyfish. no, i didn't merely act like a jellyfish, i *was* a jellyfish. i repeated that aloud to reaffirm myself. i started to imagine i was a whole range of sea animals. then i pretended i was a baby taking a bath, splashing and kicking water everywhere and feeling cheerful, as babies do. this was great and all but everything ended when i got the sudden urge to urinate. this is when fuck-up number two happened.
somehow in my drifting about pretending i was a jellyfish and such, i had gotten completely turned around in the tank. i lost all sense of orientation. when i entered the chamber, the hatch was on my right side and i could easily grab the handle with my right hand if i reached up. however, when i tried to locate the familiar handle that was my link to the outside world, it wasn't there. i sat up straight very quickly and begin running my hands along the wall of the room. to my horror, i couldn't, all i touched was the smooth, handle-less wall. i began to panic. my thoughts racing, i had (logically) arrived to the conclusion that i've been tricked, the entire thing was a scam to lure people to their unsuspecting deaths, that i would go insane and die of starvation, that i would never see the outside world again, that i would cease to exist and nobody would ever question my disappearance, that in my dying moments, i would know nothing but the empty confines of the tank. i had come to terms with my inevitable, inescapable death in that unyielding prison. and damn it, i still had to pee! it sounds like hyperbole but try being lost in a pitch-dark room and see how you feel. minutes begin feeling like hours and hours begin feeling like eternity.
what little sense i had left in me induced a burning desire to get out of the chamber. cue fuck-up number three.
still in a panicked state, i stood up a little too quickly and threw my hand onto a wall to catch myself. unfortunately, the walls were wet from my previous splashing about and i slip. i end up banging my knee and side on the floor. this fall sprayed water everywhere, including my eyes. now, i forgot that i was in salt water and my eyes began to sting. the dumbass i was tried to use my wet hands to rub my eyes, making them sting even more. fantastic.
after getting over the pain, i begin to run my hands along all four walls again in a systematic fashion. i realized i had been facing the wrong wall and somehow did a complete 180 degree turn from when i first entered the tank. finally, my fingers touched an extrusion in the wall. i had located the handle. i grabbed onto it immediately with an iron grip, ran my hands up and down it to reassure myself, and opened the hatch.
my eyes. after being subjected to agony after coming in contact with salt, my eyes burned from the harsh, bright light that shone in the shower area. i almost closed the hatch again before remembering what had happened. i recalled the story of a group of chilean miners who were trapped for days in a mine. medics had sent them special [sunglasses](http://www.foxnews.com/tech/2010/10/13/sports-sunglasses-aim-ease-miners-transition/) so that when they were rescued, their eyes could slowly adjust to the light of the outside world again. keeping that in mind, i closed my eyes and stepped blindly out into the shower area, squinting ever so slightly to see where i was going. i almost slipped again, as my balance was wonky after floating on my back, but i luckily caught myself. i still had to pee, but in order to access their restroom i would have to dry myself and put on clothes as it was outside the private rooms. after so much misery, i did something i’m not entirely proud of. i walked under the shower head, situated myself over the drain, and let loose the best-feeling stream of urine that has ever left my urethra.
that done, i stood for a bit, enjoying my existence and touching myself to make sure i was alive. it felt great to not be dead. i wasn’t planning on stepping back inside the tank, but then i remembered i had paid for this so i submitted. still, i left the hatch open for the first few minutes, contemplating how i almost died, and i never really got comfortable again.
a couple minutes later the lights in the tank came on and the music began to play. i stepped out, more confidently this time, showered and put on my clothes. my left ear appeared to be clogged after being submerged for such a long time without the ear plugs. i thought nothing of it and headed to the lobby. my parents had finished and were chatting with the owners and relating their experiences. i joined them but i pretended everything went well and that it was a very liberating adventure. my ear remained clogged for the next few weeks, but i never admitted there had been a problem.
it was still an interesting experience regardless. i actually might consider going back for round two, as long as i can put my earplugs in right this time.
edit 1: formatting.
edit 2: added link to news article about chilean miners' eyes.
|
tried out a sensory deprivation tank, experienced what tripping on acid felt like (but without the acid), panicked after being disoriented in the tank, bruised myself, burnt my eyes, and clogged my ears for the following weeks.
|
using a sensory deprivation tank
|
[
"this happened about 2 years ago. i had watched a",
"youtube video in which two people spent an hour",
"in a [sensory deprivation",
"tank](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/isolation_tan",
"k)",
"and then described their experiences. (side note:",
"most sensory deprivation tanks consist of a \"pod\"",
"or room that is filled about a quarter of the way",
"with skin-temperature water that has dissolved",
"magnesium sulfate, or epsom salt, in it. users",
"float naked in the chamber, and the salt gives",
"the body more buoyancy and allows it to float on",
"the water without effort, and, combined with the",
"temperature of the water, gives the feeling of",
"weightlessness. the salt is also said to be",
"soothing for the skin. the sense of hearing is",
"blocked with earplugs.) it looked like a pretty",
"interesting experience and a good way to relieve",
"stress. people say they've left feeling",
"spiritually liberated and things like that. i",
"thought, \"why not?\" and searched for a sensory",
"deprivation place near me. i found one that was a",
"few cities away, had mostly positive reviews,",
"offered reasonable pricing, and, from its",
"pictures, looked like a very upscale and clean",
"place. i thought my parents could benefit from it",
"as well, as they're getting old and need a break",
"once in a while, so one saturday i decided to",
"make an appointment for the three of us for 7:00",
"pm that night.",
"as that time drew closer and closer, i was having",
"slight doubts. some reviewers had said that they",
"hallucinated or felt strange things. i worried",
"that i'd experience some permanent shift in my",
"psychological state or if the tank would have",
"lasting effects on my brain. but 6 o'clock rolled",
"around and i reasoned myself into going.",
"my parents and i drove to the building and walked",
"into the self-described \"clinic\". it was a lot",
"smaller than i had expected. one of the owners",
"introduced herself and led us down a hallway. she",
"gave us a tour of the three small private rooms",
"we would be using, each of which consisted of a",
"shower area and the tank itself, which was",
"actually more of a bathtub enclosed in a",
"pitch-dark room that was accessed by a hatch on",
"the side. the tub was about 6 feet 6 inches long",
"and about 4 feet wide, so you could lie down",
"without touching the sides of the walls without a",
"problem. we were to shower and then plug our ears",
"with earplugs. when our time was up, dim lights",
"would turn on in the tank and soft music would",
"play to indicate we were finished. at this point",
"our session would be starting, but we were free",
"to step out at any time to use the restroom and",
"such. so, my mother, father, and i enter our",
"respective rooms and begin showering. this is",
"when the first real fuck-up happens.",
"i put my earplugs in incorrectly and they fell",
"out a couple seconds after i inserted them. being",
"the dumbass that i am, i adjust them for about",
"ten minutes, to no avail. i gave up, and since i",
"wanted to make the most of my",
"hour-and-thirty-minutes-long session, i stepped",
"into the tank/room, with the earplugs loosely",
"fitted in my ear. ironically, if i had spent five",
"minutes more fixing my earplugs, i would have",
"enjoyed my damn experience much more.",
"i took a small, tentative step into the tub,",
"swung my whole body in, sat down slowly, and then",
"closed the hatch. i spent the first three minutes",
"sitting down in utter darkness, not confident",
"enough yet to lie down. at that moment i",
"understood what it felt like to not be able to",
"see your hand in front of your face. i began to",
"lie down slowly, and one of my earplugs fell out",
"*again*. cursing, i thought that i would not need",
"it, as my ears would be under the surface of the",
"water and the sloshing will be less audible. i",
"lie down completely in the water, and my hunch",
"proved to be right.",
"the next thirty minutes or so can only be",
"described as weird. at first i was still getting",
"over my anxiety, but i began to gradually relax",
"and let my thoughts wander. i first imagined that",
"i was drifting endlessly through space, much like",
"bender does in that one [futurama",
"episode](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okbawiq3",
"w7u).",
"next i imagined i was swimming next to a",
"palm-tree lined island, and began to dive down",
"into the depths. then something truly strange",
"happened. i had an irresistible urge to wave my",
"arms about like a jellyfish. no, i didn't merely",
"act like a jellyfish, i *was* a jellyfish. i",
"repeated that aloud to reaffirm myself. i started",
"to imagine i was a whole range of sea animals.",
"then i pretended i was a baby taking a bath,",
"splashing and kicking water everywhere and",
"feeling cheerful, as babies do. this was great",
"and all but everything ended when i got the",
"sudden urge to urinate. this is when fuck-up",
"number two happened.",
"somehow in my drifting about pretending i was a",
"jellyfish and such, i had gotten completely",
"turned around in the tank. i lost all sense of",
"orientation. when i entered the chamber, the",
"hatch was on my right side and i could easily",
"grab the handle with my right hand if i reached",
"up. however, when i tried to locate the familiar",
"handle that was my link to the outside world, it",
"wasn't there. i sat up straight very quickly and",
"begin running my hands along the wall of the",
"room. to my horror, i couldn't, all i touched was",
"the smooth, handle-less wall. i began to panic.",
"my thoughts racing, i had (logically) arrived to",
"the conclusion that i've been tricked, the entire",
"thing was a scam to lure people to their",
"unsuspecting deaths, that i would go insane and",
"die of starvation, that i would never see the",
"outside world again, that i would cease to exist",
"and nobody would ever question my disappearance,",
"that in my dying moments, i would know nothing",
"but the empty confines of the tank. i had come to",
"terms with my inevitable, inescapable death in",
"that unyielding prison. and damn it, i still had",
"to pee! it sounds like hyperbole but try being",
"lost in a pitch-dark room and see how you feel.",
"minutes begin feeling like hours and hours begin",
"feeling like eternity.",
"what little sense i had left in me induced a",
"burning desire to get out of the chamber. cue",
"fuck-up number three.",
"still in a panicked state, i stood up a little",
"too quickly and threw my hand onto a wall to",
"catch myself. unfortunately, the walls were wet",
"from my previous splashing about and i slip. i",
"end up banging my knee and side on the floor.",
"this fall sprayed water everywhere, including my",
"eyes. now, i forgot that i was in salt water and",
"my eyes began to sting. the dumbass i was tried",
"to use my wet hands to rub my eyes, making them",
"sting even more. fantastic.",
"after getting over the pain, i begin to run my",
"hands along all four walls again in a systematic",
"fashion. i realized i had been facing the wrong",
"wall and somehow did a complete 180 degree turn",
"from when i first entered the tank. finally, my",
"fingers touched an extrusion in the wall. i had",
"located the handle. i grabbed onto it immediately",
"with an iron grip, ran my hands up and down it to",
"reassure myself, and opened the hatch.",
"my eyes. after being subjected to agony after",
"coming in contact with salt, my eyes burned from",
"the harsh, bright light that shone in the shower",
"area. i almost closed the hatch again before",
"remembering what had happened. i recalled the",
"story of a group of chilean miners who were",
"trapped for days in a mine. medics had sent them",
"special",
"[sunglasses](http://www.foxnews.com/tech/2010/10/",
"13/sports-sunglasses-aim-ease-miners-transition/)",
"so that when they were rescued, their eyes could",
"slowly adjust to the light of the outside world",
"again. keeping that in mind, i closed my eyes and",
"stepped blindly out into the shower area,",
"squinting ever so slightly to see where i was",
"going. i almost slipped again, as my balance was",
"wonky after floating on my back, but i luckily",
"caught myself. i still had to pee, but in order",
"to access their restroom i would have to dry",
"myself and put on clothes as it was outside the",
"private rooms. after so much misery, i did",
"something i’m not entirely proud of. i walked",
"under the shower head, situated myself over the",
"drain, and let loose the best-feeling stream of",
"urine that has ever left my urethra.",
"that done, i stood for a bit, enjoying my",
"existence and touching myself to make sure i was",
"alive. it felt great to not be dead. i wasn’t",
"planning on stepping back inside the tank, but",
"then i remembered i had paid for this so i",
"submitted. still, i left the hatch open for the",
"first few minutes, contemplating how i almost",
"died, and i never really got comfortable again.",
"a couple minutes later the lights in the tank",
"came on and the music began to play. i stepped",
"out, more confidently this time, showered and put",
"on my clothes. my left ear appeared to be clogged",
"after being submerged for such a long time",
"without the ear plugs. i thought nothing of it",
"and headed to the lobby. my parents had finished",
"and were chatting with the owners and relating",
"their experiences. i joined them but i pretended",
"everything went well and that it was a very",
"liberating adventure. my ear remained clogged for",
"the next few weeks, but i never admitted there",
"had been a problem.",
"it was still an interesting experience",
"regardless. i actually might consider going back",
"for round two, as long as i can put my earplugs",
"in right this time.",
"edit 1: formatting.",
"edit 2: added link to news article about chilean",
"miners' eyes."
] |
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in a [sensory deprivation would turn on in the tank and soft music would understood what it felt like to not be able to my eyes. after being subjected to agony after
|
3 | 3 | 1 | 3 |
i am a security guard at a factory. i was reading a comment by a security guard on a post by a security guard on /r/pettyrevenge and i walked into a fucking metal box and destroyed my knee. it ripped a hole in the only pair of pants they issued me, and now my knee is bleeding. i can't even be mad, because i shouldn't have had my phone out while walking around. i don't know if they'll charge me for the pants if i'm honest about how i injured myself and they'll probably not want me to wear ripped pants to work tomorrow but it's the only ones they issued me. for some reason and i have never brought it up. can't just wear other pants either because they had these dumb ones specially made and they immediately spot imposters (i tried to wear different pants when these were dirty one day and it was the first thing my supervisor noticed when i walked in. same color but she still knew)
update: i told my boss i cut my pants and knee and she didn't care at all or ask how it happened. i then asked what to do about the pants and it turns out our company was bought out by another that doesn't care anywhere near as much about appearance so now i can wear whatever pants i want. which makes it worth it. the pants they gave me were 6 sizes bigger than i wear normally because they didn't have anymore in my size. they gave me a small shirt though, the size i wear, but in women's because they didn't have them in men's. i looked like charlie chaplin. this fixes that, sort of haha.
|
i fucked my knee because i'm an idiot security guard who reads reddit while walking in the dark on 3rd shift
|
being a guard reading a comment by a guard on a post by a guard
|
[
"i am a security guard at a factory. i was reading",
"a comment by a security guard on a post by a",
"security guard on /r/pettyrevenge and i walked",
"into a fucking metal box and destroyed my knee.",
"it ripped a hole in the only pair of pants they",
"issued me, and now my knee is bleeding. i can't",
"even be mad, because i shouldn't have had my",
"phone out while walking around. i don't know if",
"they'll charge me for the pants if i'm honest",
"about how i injured myself and they'll probably",
"not want me to wear ripped pants to work tomorrow",
"but it's the only ones they issued me. for some",
"reason and i have never brought it up. can't just",
"wear other pants either because they had these",
"dumb ones specially made and they immediately",
"spot imposters (i tried to wear different pants",
"when these were dirty one day and it was the",
"first thing my supervisor noticed when i walked",
"in. same color but she still knew)",
"update: i told my boss i cut my pants and knee",
"and she didn't care at all or ask how it",
"happened. i then asked what to do about the pants",
"and it turns out our company was bought out by",
"another that doesn't care anywhere near as much",
"about appearance so now i can wear whatever pants",
"i want. which makes it worth it. the pants they",
"gave me were 6 sizes bigger than i wear normally",
"because they didn't have anymore in my size. they",
"gave me a small shirt though, the size i wear,",
"but in women's because they didn't have them in",
"men's. i looked like charlie chaplin. this fixes",
"that, sort of haha."
] |
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security guard on /r/pettyrevenge and i walked into a fucking metal box and destroyed my knee. phone out while walking around. i don't know if
|
4 | 13 | 0.78 | 4 |
ok. first time posting here.
i recently started working at a new organisation in january this year. ever since, there is this girl that i have been eyeing. hot as hell. she works for one of our subsidiaries (i work for the group/holding/parent company). i would bump into her at the parking lot or lobby and it will make me go crazy. took me 4 months to find out her name and what she does. google revealed that she has a kid. doesn't say much about her husband though.
so, i so happen to have a one-down who reports to me. she recently resigned. so human resources was sourcing for a replacement. and due the austerity that is happening in my country, they sourced internally from our subsidiaries. they sent a vacancy notification out and anybody interested would apply. they managed to arrange one with this guy, who was ok but lack the necessary experience. then monday, i got an interview invitation with guess who...that hot girl. i was like, this cant be true! of all people! you know when for months, you have been inconspicuously checking this girl out, and then next thing, you are in a room with her, and to not look at her and check her out would be wrong...coz you are freaking interviewing her! so i had a very good look at her. my division head was there too. after the interview, he said 'if we were to hire her, looks like (me) would be very distracted. he would be at her desk all the time'.
long story short, she fits the role better than the other candidates. i had to give her a 5 (excellent rating) for physical appearance and physical health (she does yoga and stuff). and my division head approved on her hiring. so if the salary part works out with human resources, she will be joining me very soon. this been bugging me. i feel excited, nervous, awkward etc all at the same time. and to make matters worse, the girl sitting directly in front of me, voluntarily decided to relocate herself (she wants to sit next to another friend), to allow for this girl to be seated right in front of me, sideways, so that i can gawk at her curves all the time :(
this is nuts! i don't want this! its like you want to look at her, there you go, she is in front of you now, look all you want. you might even need to go for corporate trips etc with her. but you cant touch her because she reports directly to you. but you want it, and she probably wants it too, but but but but....
oh by the way, she is a single mother :)
|
by coincidence, my boss/i hired this hot girl that i have been checking out the past few months, to report directly to me.
|
hiring a hot mama
|
[
"ok. first time posting here.",
"i recently started working at a new organisation",
"in january this year. ever since, there is this",
"girl that i have been eyeing. hot as hell. she",
"works for one of our subsidiaries (i work for the",
"group/holding/parent company). i would bump into",
"her at the parking lot or lobby and it will make",
"me go crazy. took me 4 months to find out her",
"name and what she does. google revealed that she",
"has a kid. doesn't say much about her husband",
"though.",
"so, i so happen to have a one-down who reports to",
"me. she recently resigned. so human resources was",
"sourcing for a replacement. and due the austerity",
"that is happening in my country, they sourced",
"internally from our subsidiaries. they sent a",
"vacancy notification out and anybody interested",
"would apply. they managed to arrange one with",
"this guy, who was ok but lack the necessary",
"experience. then monday, i got an interview",
"invitation with guess who...that hot girl. i was",
"like, this cant be true! of all people! you know",
"when for months, you have been inconspicuously",
"checking this girl out, and then next thing, you",
"are in a room with her, and to not look at her",
"and check her out would be wrong...coz you are",
"freaking interviewing her! so i had a very good",
"look at her. my division head was there too.",
"after the interview, he said 'if we were to hire",
"her, looks like (me) would be very distracted. he",
"would be at her desk all the time'.",
"long story short, she fits the role better than",
"the other candidates. i had to give her a 5",
"(excellent rating) for physical appearance and",
"physical health (she does yoga and stuff). and my",
"division head approved on her hiring. so if the",
"salary part works out with human resources, she",
"will be joining me very soon. this been bugging",
"me. i feel excited, nervous, awkward etc all at",
"the same time. and to make matters worse, the",
"girl sitting directly in front of me, voluntarily",
"decided to relocate herself (she wants to sit",
"next to another friend), to allow for this girl",
"to be seated right in front of me, sideways, so",
"that i can gawk at her curves all the time :(",
"this is nuts! i don't want this! its like you",
"want to look at her, there you go, she is in",
"front of you now, look all you want. you might",
"even need to go for corporate trips etc with her.",
"but you cant touch her because she reports",
"directly to you. but you want it, and she",
"probably wants it too, but but but but....",
"oh by the way, she is a single mother :)"
] |
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girl that i have been eyeing. hot as hell. she me go crazy. took me 4 months to find out her
|
2 | 3 | 0.75 | 2 |
this has been the most expensive and wonderful/horrible 6 months of my life. on valentines day this year, i got alcoh-l poisoning, said a bunch of stuff at the party, then ended up in the hospital ($300 co-pay). then i broke my laptop screen ($250 repair). i went to a series of fun parties, kissed and more with my first guy, and did some other things i shouldnt have. then i got blackout dr-nk for the second time around my parents, and finally decided to buy some stuff online, thus leading to a $900 scam. i feel completely worthless, used, and hurt, not to mention ashamed and in bad standing with my parents. i also broke my phone ($45). i also got somewhat fired from my job at the coolest coffee shop ever. it sucks to think i could have not worked at all and if i had just been a good kid, i would have been much healthier, richer, and happier then i am right now.
|
not even once
|
wasted $900
|
[
"this has been the most expensive and",
"wonderful/horrible 6 months of my life. on",
"valentines day this year, i got alcoh-l",
"poisoning, said a bunch of stuff at the party,",
"then ended up in the hospital ($300 co-pay). then",
"i broke my laptop screen ($250 repair). i went to",
"a series of fun parties, kissed and more with my",
"first guy, and did some other things i shouldnt",
"have. then i got blackout dr-nk for the second",
"time around my parents, and finally decided to",
"buy some stuff online, thus leading to a $900",
"scam. i feel completely worthless, used, and",
"hurt, not to mention ashamed and in bad standing",
"with my parents. i also broke my phone ($45). i",
"also got somewhat fired from my job at the",
"coolest coffee shop ever. it sucks to think i",
"could have not worked at all and if i had just",
"been a good kid, i would have been much",
"healthier, richer, and happier then i am right",
"now."
] |
[
0,
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0,
0,
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hurt, not to mention ashamed and in bad standing
|
1 | 5 | 0.67 | 1 |
i usually sleep on my couch. in fact i haven't slept in my bed in over a month. since there's nothing in my room that i use except for my bed (my closet is in an adjacent room before you get to the room my bed is in) i never really go into that room except to sleep.
turns out my cat decided to shit on my bed sometime recently. as soon as i plop down on my bed i land on the pile of cat shit with it hitting almost square in the middle of my chest. it wasn't still warm, but it was still nice and soft and at least one tootsie roll sized chuck managed to stick to my chest as i lifted myself up.
|
laid down in a pile of cat shit about twenty minutes ago. welcome to my life.
|
laying down in bed with the lights off
|
[
"i usually sleep on my couch. in fact i haven't",
"slept in my bed in over a month. since there's",
"nothing in my room that i use except for my bed",
"(my closet is in an adjacent room before you get",
"to the room my bed is in) i never really go into",
"that room except to sleep.",
"turns out my cat decided to shit on my bed",
"sometime recently. as soon as i plop down on my",
"bed i land on the pile of cat shit with it",
"hitting almost square in the middle of my chest.",
"it wasn't still warm, but it was still nice and",
"soft and at least one tootsie roll sized chuck",
"managed to stick to my chest as i lifted myself",
"up."
] |
[
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0.28264070804820307,
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0,
0.41555893248635073,
0
] |
bed i land on the pile of cat shit with it managed to stick to my chest as i lifted myself
|
8 | 7 | 0.77 | 8 |
this has been the most expensive and wonderful/horrible 6 months of my life. the week before valentine's day this year i smoked some pot for the first time. a week later, i got alcohol poisoning my first time getting drunk and said a bunch of stuff at the party, then ended up in the hospital ($300 co-pay). then i broke my laptop screen ($250 repair). i went to a series of great parties, kissed and fucked my first guy, and did a fuckton of drugs. then i got blackout drunk for the second time around my parents, did shrooms (the scariest/weirdest drug ever), and finally decided to buy some more oxycodone online, thus leading to a $900 scam that did not get me any drugs and almost go me in trouble. i feel completely worthless, used, and hurt, not to mention ashamed and in bad standing with my parents. i also broke my phone ($45). i also got somewhat fired from my job at the coolest coffee shop ever. it sucks to think i could have not worked at all and if i hadnt done any drugs, i would have been much healthier, richer, and happier then i am right now.
|
drugs really are bad
|
wasting $900 dollars
|
[
"this has been the most expensive and",
"wonderful/horrible 6 months of my life. the week",
"before valentine's day this year i smoked some",
"pot for the first time. a week later, i got",
"alcohol poisoning my first time getting drunk and",
"said a bunch of stuff at the party, then ended up",
"in the hospital ($300 co-pay). then i broke my",
"laptop screen ($250 repair). i went to a series",
"of great parties, kissed and fucked my first guy,",
"and did a fuckton of drugs. then i got blackout",
"drunk for the second time around my parents, did",
"shrooms (the scariest/weirdest drug ever), and",
"finally decided to buy some more oxycodone",
"online, thus leading to a $900 scam that did not",
"get me any drugs and almost go me in trouble. i",
"feel completely worthless, used, and hurt, not to",
"mention ashamed and in bad standing with my",
"parents. i also broke my phone ($45). i also got",
"somewhat fired from my job at the coolest coffee",
"shop ever. it sucks to think i could have not",
"worked at all and if i hadnt done any drugs, i",
"would have been much healthier, richer, and",
"happier then i am right now."
] |
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mention ashamed and in bad standing with my
|
10 | 5 | 0.88 | 10 |
so last night i had dinner with my cousin and ended up finishing pretty early. we decided to head to my place and watch a movie since she didn't want to go home yet. we dropped by the convenience store and picked up some snacks. i saw bag of squid flavored lay's and grabbed it because i've never had it before.
we went up to my apartment and my cousin jumped straight into the shower (it's hot here in shanghai, so we were sweaty and gross) while i browsed through the list of films available. after choosing the movie, i started going through the bag of junk food to sort everything out. the squid flavored lay's caught my eye, and i was like "what the hell, might as well open it."
big mistake.
the moment i tore open the packaging the smell of unwashed dick hit me right in the face. it wasn't overpowering or anything, but it was pretty strong and persistent. i took one and held it under my nose. yep, smells like dicks, alright. took a bite. was pretty good, tastes like regular seafood flavor with a hint of squid. here i was, happily munching on the dick chips when my cousin opens the door and immediately looks disgusted and says,
"christ, it smells like dicks in here."
then the implications of that statement sank in and we stared at each other awkwardly for 20 seconds.
|
inadvertently finding out my cousin knows what dicks smell like and potentially made her think i like eating dicks.
|
opening a bag of chips.
|
[
"so last night i had dinner with my cousin and",
"ended up finishing pretty early. we decided to",
"head to my place and watch a movie since she",
"didn't want to go home yet. we dropped by the",
"convenience store and picked up some snacks. i",
"saw bag of squid flavored lay's and grabbed it",
"because i've never had it before.",
"we went up to my apartment and my cousin jumped",
"straight into the shower (it's hot here in",
"shanghai, so we were sweaty and gross) while i",
"browsed through the list of films available.",
"after choosing the movie, i started going through",
"the bag of junk food to sort everything out. the",
"squid flavored lay's caught my eye, and i was",
"like \"what the hell, might as well open it.\"",
"big mistake.",
"the moment i tore open the packaging the smell of",
"unwashed dick hit me right in the face. it",
"wasn't overpowering or anything, but it was",
"pretty strong and persistent. i took one and",
"held it under my nose. yep, smells like dicks,",
"alright. took a bite. was pretty good, tastes",
"like regular seafood flavor with a hint of squid.",
"here i was, happily munching on the dick chips",
"when my cousin opens the door and immediately",
"looks disgusted and says,",
"\"christ, it smells like dicks in here.\"",
"then the implications of that statement sank in",
"and we stared at each other awkwardly for 20",
"seconds."
] |
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] |
so last night i had dinner with my cousin and "christ, it smells like dicks in here."
|
4 | 6 | 0.78 | 4 |
my family and i went to a buffet since we haven't really went out to eat as a family since i came back in the country. in my family, we like to put as much food as humanly possible on our plates to try everything out.
my brother was sitting in diagonal and was complaining that most of the food he had on his plate sucked. the food was lukewarm at best and really bland. he was offering food from his plate to my mom. i was eyeing an item on his plate because it seemed like everyone else had it except me...
that's when it happened, i looked up from my plate and loudly asked without thinking "hey, can i taste your sausage?". it went quiet around the table, while i started sweating and stuttering i yelled out "hot dog!". my brother's girlfriend started laughing and my brother handed me his hot dog on a fork avoiding eye contact with me.
i died a little bit and am still embarrassed by it hours later.
|
: i[f/23] asked my brother[m/30] if i could taste his sausage.
|
accidentally offering incest.
|
[
"my family and i went to a buffet since we haven't",
"really went out to eat as a family since i came",
"back in the country. in my family, we like to put",
"as much food as humanly possible on our plates to",
"try everything out.",
"my brother was sitting in diagonal and was",
"complaining that most of the food he had on his",
"plate sucked. the food was lukewarm at best and",
"really bland. he was offering food from his plate",
"to my mom. i was eyeing an item on his plate",
"because it seemed like everyone else had it",
"except me...",
"that's when it happened, i looked up from my",
"plate and loudly asked without thinking \"hey, can",
"i taste your sausage?\". it went quiet around the",
"table, while i started sweating and stuttering i",
"yelled out \"hot dog!\". my brother's girlfriend",
"started laughing and my brother handed me his hot",
"dog on a fork avoiding eye contact with me.",
"i died a little bit and am still embarrassed by",
"it hours later."
] |
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0
] |
i taste your sausage?". it went quiet around the started laughing and my brother handed me his hot
|
1 | 6 | 0.5 | 1 |
first post on reddit and of course it's on tifu. no throwaway because... fuck it.
anyway this happened a couple of days ago. i've never really been the tinder type but recent events and some advice from a few buddies led me to download the app (again). in some time, i get a few matches with some decent looking women and i begin to entice conversation. one in particular caught my eye because of her bio. now if any of you visit barstool sports, they have a weekly article about the "worst tinder fails of the week". this is relevant because i remember seeing a dude try and pick up a girl that had "our relationship will be like a nintendo 64. it will consist of pulling out, blowing, and sticking back in". (in that scenario it went horribly wrong for the dude).
back to the fuck up. so i take it upon myself to message her and start a conversation. i don't mention her bio at all because that would just be a dead giveaway for what i ultimately want to accomplish. instead i open with a though t provoking question that 9 times out of 10 gets me at least a reply. fast forward a couple of minutes and ladies and gentleman we have a conversation. everything is going good until i decide to get ahead of myself and ask her for.... you guessed it, butt stuff. see the picture for the conversation in its entirety (http://imgur.com/b6zvtyh)
she hasn't unmatched me yet so i'm thinking this is salvageable. to be fair, she said she was open to anything.
|
talking to attractive girl on tinder, she seemed open. asked for butt stuff, no reply. still matched.
|
asking for butt stuff.
|
[
"first post on reddit and of course it's on tifu.",
"no throwaway because... fuck it.",
"anyway this happened a couple of days ago. i've",
"never really been the tinder type but recent",
"events and some advice from a few buddies led me",
"to download the app (again). in some time, i get",
"a few matches with some decent looking women and",
"i begin to entice conversation. one in particular",
"caught my eye because of her bio. now if any of",
"you visit barstool sports, they have a weekly",
"article about the \"worst tinder fails of the",
"week\". this is relevant because i remember seeing",
"a dude try and pick up a girl that had \"our",
"relationship will be like a nintendo 64. it will",
"consist of pulling out, blowing, and sticking",
"back in\". (in that scenario it went horribly",
"wrong for the dude).",
"back to the fuck up. so i take it upon myself to",
"message her and start a conversation. i don't",
"mention her bio at all because that would just be",
"a dead giveaway for what i ultimately want to",
"accomplish. instead i open with a though t",
"provoking question that 9 times out of 10 gets me",
"at least a reply. fast forward a couple of",
"minutes and ladies and gentleman we have a",
"conversation. everything is going good until i",
"decide to get ahead of myself and ask her for....",
"you guessed it, butt stuff. see the picture for",
"the conversation in its entirety",
"(http://imgur.com/b6zvtyh)",
"she hasn't unmatched me yet so i'm thinking this",
"is salvageable. to be fair, she said she was open",
"to anything."
] |
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] |
no throwaway because... fuck it. you guessed it, butt stuff. see the picture for is salvageable. to be fair, she said she was open
|
1 | 3 | 0.6 | 1 |
i had gone over to this friends house for the weekend, and when i arrived he was handing out tons of checks. he kept calling them souvenir checks, and saying that we weren't allowed to spend them, so i went up to him and asked, "hey, can you give me 20k for a new car?" and this idiot actually gave me a check. i asked my mom if i could go cash it, saying a friend gave it to me, which was technically true. she was suspicious though, took the check and called his parents, who threatened to get police involved if we didn't give back the money. mom was pissed, grounded me for a month and gave them all the money back.
|
my friend gave me a check but told me not to use it, i did, parents found out and grounded me for a month.
|
accepting a souvenir check.
|
[
"i had gone over to this friends house for the",
"weekend, and when i arrived he was handing out",
"tons of checks. he kept calling them souvenir",
"checks, and saying that we weren't allowed to",
"spend them, so i went up to him and asked, \"hey,",
"can you give me 20k for a new car?\" and this",
"idiot actually gave me a check. i asked my mom if",
"i could go cash it, saying a friend gave it to",
"me, which was technically true. she was",
"suspicious though, took the check and called his",
"parents, who threatened to get police involved if",
"we didn't give back the money. mom was pissed,",
"grounded me for a month and gave them all the",
"money back."
] |
[
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1,
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] |
idiot actually gave me a check. i asked my mom if i could go cash it, saying a friend gave it to grounded me for a month and gave them all the
|
1 | 1 | 0.67 | 1 |
this happened about 20 minutes ago and i am typing this nearly in tears.
so i left my friend's house to go to tim horton's (which is literally a 5 minute walk) for a late night iced capp, and because i'm a lazy piece of shit i decide to take my car. i get to tim horton's, get my beloved iced capp and begin to drive back. now there's a roundabout on the way. and i decide to take it kinda fast. twas a bad idea. so i get back, park my car and reach for the iced capp. it's not there. i turn on the cabin light to see my drink had turned all the way upside down because my cup holders are shit. luckily, most of it was caught by the other cup holder and the carpet, but i'm still pissed and still wanting an iced capp.
i say to myself "fuck it", unpack the straw, and drink as much of it as i possibly could out of the cup holder and what's left in the cup. needless to say i didn't get much so i head inside to get a roll of paper towel. then i spend the next 10 minutes cleaning this shit up, still pissed. round 2, i go to get another iced capp all the while dreading the awkward look from the guy in the drive thru. then i end up sitting in front of the microphone thingy for a good 5 minutes waiting for someone to answer (keep in mind all the lights were still on) before i read the little sign that says "open from 6 am - 10 pm". it's *10:07*. fucking dicks. anyways i drive back, park my car in shame, and then head inside to type this out on reddit.
|
i got an iced capp, took the roundabout too fast, spilled literally my entire drink, drank it from the cup holder anyways, went to get another and when i get there tim horton's has been fucking closed for 7 minutes.
|
taking a corner too fast
|
[
"this happened about 20 minutes ago and i am typing",
"this nearly in tears.",
"so i left my friend's house to go to tim horton's",
"(which is literally a 5 minute walk) for a late",
"night iced capp, and because i'm a lazy piece of",
"shit i decide to take my car. i get to tim",
"horton's, get my beloved iced capp and begin to",
"drive back. now there's a roundabout on the way.",
"and i decide to take it kinda fast. twas a bad",
"idea. so i get back, park my car and reach for",
"the iced capp. it's not there. i turn on the",
"cabin light to see my drink had turned all the",
"way upside down because my cup holders are shit.",
"luckily, most of it was caught by the other cup",
"holder and the carpet, but i'm still pissed and",
"still wanting an iced capp.",
"i say to myself \"fuck it\", unpack the straw, and",
"drink as much of it as i possibly could out of",
"the cup holder and what's left in the cup.",
"needless to say i didn't get much so i head",
"inside to get a roll of paper towel. then i spend",
"the next 10 minutes cleaning this shit up, still",
"pissed. round 2, i go to get another iced capp",
"all the while dreading the awkward look from the",
"guy in the drive thru. then i end up sitting in",
"front of the microphone thingy for a good 5",
"minutes waiting for someone to answer (keep in",
"mind all the lights were still on) before i read",
"the little sign that says \"open from 6 am - 10",
"pm\". it's *10:07*. fucking dicks. anyways i drive",
"back, park my car in shame, and then head inside",
"to type this out on reddit."
] |
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] |
so i left my friend's house to go to tim horton's still wanting an iced capp. the cup holder and what's left in the cup. pissed. round 2, i go to get another iced capp
|
44 | 24 | 0.93 | 44 |
bonus points for this happening tonight.
i was hungry so i thought id try a new meatloaf recipe. fast forward to the last 10 minutes its in the oven, the new recipe calls for a thin layer of bbq sauce spread on top of the loaf (sounds delicious, i see where they're going with this). timer goes off, i take the loaf out and it looks great, nice shiny, sticky layer of bbq sauce on top. i wanted a taste of that sticky sauce bark, so what do i do? i swipe my finger right across sticky bbq sauce that just came out of the 400° oven. oh fuck. my solution was to lick it all off my finger, because who wastes the best part of bbq, amirite? oh fuck. now that my tongue is melting, gotta fix it. turn on sink to wash this brown sugar lava off, forget that i just used the hot water to wash the dishes, and get a mouthfull of scalding hot water.
|
survived afghanistan, defeated by a meatloaf ambush on my home turf.
|
making meatloaf.
|
[
"bonus points for this happening tonight.",
"i was hungry so i thought id try a new meatloaf",
"recipe. fast forward to the last 10 minutes its",
"in the oven, the new recipe calls for a thin",
"layer of bbq sauce spread on top of the loaf",
"(sounds delicious, i see where they're going with",
"this). timer goes off, i take the loaf out and it",
"looks great, nice shiny, sticky layer of bbq",
"sauce on top. i wanted a taste of that sticky",
"sauce bark, so what do i do? i swipe my finger",
"right across sticky bbq sauce that just came out",
"of the 400° oven. oh fuck. my solution was to",
"lick it all off my finger, because who wastes the",
"best part of bbq, amirite? oh fuck. now that my",
"tongue is melting, gotta fix it. turn on sink to",
"wash this brown sugar lava off, forget that i",
"just used the hot water to wash the dishes, and",
"get a mouthfull of scalding hot water."
] |
[
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0.1746184250139563,
0.1879330049449224,
0.1517760205460589,
0,
0,
0.08180884685809725
] |
i was hungry so i thought id try a new meatloaf sauce bark, so what do i do? i swipe my finger
|
3 | 5 | 0.81 | 3 |
i've been plagued by stomach/abdominal pain for about 6 months. not usually excruciating, but it bothered me every single day. some days it sucks, some its okay. if i do any sort of lifting it really bothers me and i'm usually in tears from the pain later on. the worst part is it's the worst laying down. the second i lay down it hurts, which makes it really hard to fall asleep, so now i don't even have going to bed to look forward to, it's just me laying there trying to forget the pain enough to fall asleep.
nothing i tried worked, change in diet, exercise, etc. i had been to a handful of doctors, spent over probably $1,500 in medical fees and had a cat scan. cat scans are scary, i was convinced that i had cancer or something and had a very scary few days. best answer i got from any doctor was ibs. ibs is a bullshit answer because they don't know what causes it or how to fix it, so that was kind of a downer.
6 months later and i'm convinced that i just have to live the rest of my life with this pain. i'm out of options. then i put on the new demetri martin special on netflix. he's making this joke about prune juice and how it's like the cops at a teenage party. they come in like "everybody out! right now! let's go, get out!" and i'm all like i've never had prune juice and i go and buy a jug of it. i drink a glass, 8 oz at the most. then i have the craziest shit of my life. i can't describe how nuts and unlike any other shit i've ever had this shit was. i feel way better now.
|
thought i had serious incurable stomach/digestive issues, just had to take a big shit.
|
thinking i was seriously ill but then demetri martin cured me.
|
[
"i've been plagued by stomach/abdominal pain for",
"about 6 months. not usually excruciating, but it",
"bothered me every single day. some days it sucks,",
"some its okay. if i do any sort of lifting it",
"really bothers me and i'm usually in tears from",
"the pain later on. the worst part is it's the",
"worst laying down. the second i lay down it",
"hurts, which makes it really hard to fall asleep,",
"so now i don't even have going to bed to look",
"forward to, it's just me laying there trying to",
"forget the pain enough to fall asleep.",
"nothing i tried worked, change in diet, exercise,",
"etc. i had been to a handful of doctors, spent",
"over probably $1,500 in medical fees and had a",
"cat scan. cat scans are scary, i was convinced",
"that i had cancer or something and had a very",
"scary few days. best answer i got from any",
"doctor was ibs. ibs is a bullshit answer because",
"they don't know what causes it or how to fix it,",
"so that was kind of a downer.",
"6 months later and i'm convinced that i just have",
"to live the rest of my life with this pain. i'm",
"out of options. then i put on the new demetri",
"martin special on netflix. he's making this joke",
"about prune juice and how it's like the cops at a",
"teenage party. they come in like \"everybody out!",
"right now! let's go, get out!\" and i'm all like",
"i've never had prune juice and i go and buy a jug",
"of it. i drink a glass, 8 oz at the most. then",
"i have the craziest shit of my life. i can't",
"describe how nuts and unlike any other shit i've",
"ever had this shit was. i feel way better now."
] |
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] |
etc. i had been to a handful of doctors, spent
|
2 | 2 | 1 | 2 |
so was up bright and early yesterday to get lots of things done in preparation of moving house next week and going to leeds festival this weekend. was feeling a little bit tired around half 4 and decided a power nap was in order (mistake). woke up at 9 feeling groggy and hungry so ordered a chinese and got a few more things done. all was going well got all of the things i wanted to get done finished and so decided it was bed time about 2am.
i drift off to never neverland (cue heavy rock riff) and have the weirdest dream about my nana being a notorious marijuana grower who's dog nearly dies and my dad works for the ministry of magic. now i'm awake unable to get back to sleep and being forced to listen to drunkards stumble about manchester looking for a fight, sex or drugs.
|
had an afternoon nap and woke up at 5am and can't get back to sleep.
|
having an afternoon nap
|
[
"so was up bright and early yesterday to get lots",
"of things done in preparation of moving house",
"next week and going to leeds festival this",
"weekend. was feeling a little bit tired around",
"half 4 and decided a power nap was in order",
"(mistake). woke up at 9 feeling groggy and hungry",
"so ordered a chinese and got a few more things",
"done. all was going well got all of the things i",
"wanted to get done finished and so decided it was",
"bed time about 2am.",
"i drift off to never neverland (cue heavy rock",
"riff) and have the weirdest dream about my nana",
"being a notorious marijuana grower who's dog",
"nearly dies and my dad works for the ministry of",
"magic. now i'm awake unable to get back to sleep",
"and being forced to listen to drunkards stumble",
"about manchester looking for a fight, sex or",
"drugs."
] |
[
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0.06662793730533564,
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] |
(mistake). woke up at 9 feeling groggy and hungry magic. now i'm awake unable to get back to sleep
|
10 | 8 | 0.81 | 10 |
today during my shift at work, my coworker asked me about the recent vacation i went on. as we started talking about the area i visited, she said that she had been there before with her family and mentioned how much she loved the view. i remembered that i had taken some pictures of the view on my phone during the trip, but i also forgot that said picture of the view was sandwiched between pictures that my girlfriend took of her boobs, some goofy faces, my bulge, a few strips of bacon, and a 3d puzzle turtle. i carefully chose a picture of the view between 2 other pictures that were close to the same view in case she swiped left or right...nope. she exited out of the picture completely and went back to the photo gallery of tits and drunken photo shoots. i didn't look at her face to see a reaction because i was scrambling to find the original picture, but i know she got a good look at how great my vacation was.
|
my coworker saw pictures of my girlfriend's boobs, our goofy faces, and my bulge.
|
my coworker looked at my vacation photo
|
[
"today during my shift at work, my coworker asked",
"me about the recent vacation i went on. as we",
"started talking about the area i visited, she",
"said that she had been there before with her",
"family and mentioned how much she loved the view.",
"i remembered that i had taken some pictures of",
"the view on my phone during the trip, but i also",
"forgot that said picture of the view was",
"sandwiched between pictures that my girlfriend",
"took of her boobs, some goofy faces, my bulge, a",
"few strips of bacon, and a 3d puzzle turtle. i",
"carefully chose a picture of the view between 2",
"other pictures that were close to the same view",
"in case she swiped left or right...nope. she",
"exited out of the picture completely and went",
"back to the photo gallery of tits and drunken",
"photo shoots. i didn't look at her face to see a",
"reaction because i was scrambling to find the",
"original picture, but i know she got a good look",
"at how great my vacation was."
] |
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] |
took of her boobs, some goofy faces, my bulge, a
|
91 | 25 | 0.94 | 91 |
my mom was telling me about her old boyfriends, specifically a guy she dated in high school during junior and senior year. when she went to college, they broke up but he came to surprise her one weekend. she already was seeing another guy and told him to leave and that was the last she had heard or seen of him.
fast forward 25 years later to today. my mom was curious what he was up to and wanted to apologize for blowing him off, so i told her i could easily find him on facebook or google if she gave me enough information. we spent 25 minutes trying to find him and members of his family on his facebook to no avail--until one of those white pages gave us the name of his wife and his new hometown in oregon. from there, we were able to find the wife on facebook and saw they had two adorable little girls, but that is all we could see.
that's when i googled his name and his new hometown. 20 articles popped up. turned out in 2010 this guy murdered his 2 young girls and then committed suicide after his wife divorced him. my mom is 100% certain this is him after doing more research and she is both devastated and freaked out. this was someone who she only has fond memories of and used to be a great guy. literally the worst thing you could find when looking up what happened to an old boyfriend.
|
looked up my mom's old high school boyfriend online and found out he murdered his two little girls and then committed suicide in 2010.
|
helping my mom google her ex-boyfriend
|
[
"my mom was telling me about her old boyfriends,",
"specifically a guy she dated in high school",
"during junior and senior year. when she went to",
"college, they broke up but he came to surprise",
"her one weekend. she already was seeing another",
"guy and told him to leave and that was the last",
"she had heard or seen of him.",
"fast forward 25 years later to today. my mom was",
"curious what he was up to and wanted to apologize",
"for blowing him off, so i told her i could easily",
"find him on facebook or google if she gave me",
"enough information. we spent 25 minutes trying to",
"find him and members of his family on his",
"facebook to no avail--until one of those white",
"pages gave us the name of his wife and his new",
"hometown in oregon. from there, we were able to",
"find the wife on facebook and saw they had two",
"adorable little girls, but that is all we could",
"see.",
"that's when i googled his name and his new",
"hometown. 20 articles popped up. turned out in",
"2010 this guy murdered his 2 young girls and then",
"committed suicide after his wife divorced him.",
"my mom is 100% certain this is him after doing",
"more research and she is both devastated and",
"freaked out. this was someone who she only has",
"fond memories of and used to be a great guy.",
"literally the worst thing you could find when",
"looking up what happened to an old boyfriend."
] |
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0.05282334802417241,
0.09687041489351804,
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0.21044263491138726
] |
specifically a guy she dated in high school 2010 this guy murdered his 2 young girls and then committed suicide after his wife divorced him.
|
0 | 2 | 0.43 | 0 |
i was staying after school for about two and a half hours for chemistry and the teacher said one of her old students is coming by to visit. she gets a call from the office saying he's on his way and i walk out to the hallway and i see him. i started to burst out laughing. and by laughing i mean hysterically laughing even though it really wasn't funny at all. in the hallway the old student is in a wheelchair and he had just puked. i for some reason thought he was a mannequin and wasn't real and thought it was a weird prank?? and did i forget to mention. the guy i'm laughing at is my brother's close friend and visits my house frequently. i have met him several times after this incident chilling in my house. i hope he never remembers me and doesn't go on reddit.
|
i laughed at a guy with cancer puking in a hallway and he is super close friend of my brother .
|
laughing at a guy with cancer
|
[
"i was staying after school for about two and a",
"half hours for chemistry and the teacher said one",
"of her old students is coming by to visit. she",
"gets a call from the office saying he's on his",
"way and i walk out to the hallway and i see him.",
"i started to burst out laughing. and by laughing",
"i mean hysterically laughing even though it",
"really wasn't funny at all. in the hallway the",
"old student is in a wheelchair and he had just",
"puked. i for some reason thought he was a",
"mannequin and wasn't real and thought it was a",
"weird prank?? and did i forget to mention. the",
"guy i'm laughing at is my brother's close friend",
"and visits my house frequently. i have met him",
"several times after this incident chilling in my",
"house. i hope he never remembers me and doesn't",
"go on reddit."
] |
[
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0.3331249850481441,
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0.3450197303701131,
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] |
old student is in a wheelchair and he had just guy i'm laughing at is my brother's close friend
|
5 | 1 | 0.76 | 5 |
i was in the shower. i washed my hair with shampoo. my eyes started burning. probably my contacts. try taking out contacts. proceed to sit on the floor of the shower crying for a solid five or so minutes.
|
cried because i put shampoo in my eyes trying to get my contacts out.
|
taking out my contacts in the shower
|
[
"i was in the shower. i washed my hair with",
"shampoo. my eyes started burning. probably my",
"contacts. try taking out contacts. proceed to sit",
"on the floor of the shower crying for a solid",
"five or so minutes."
] |
[
0,
1,
0.3164218891611028,
0,
0
] |
shampoo. my eyes started burning. probably my contacts. try taking out contacts. proceed to sit
|
6 | 4 | 0.92 | 6 |
so i'm 18, and also very into music; i'm in a marching band, my school's ensembles and brass choir, so the phrase "play it by ear" is something i'm quite familiar with.
i was in a car riding with my mom, my aunt and my grandma when the topic of what we should do today comes up. (my aunt and grandma were just visiting u.s.) and my mom says "well why don't we just play it by ear?"
and i'm like "mom what did you say? did you say play it by ear?" and she says "yeah that's how you're supposed to say it."
and then the realization hits me: i had been saying "play it by year" for 18 years! after my family got finished laughing at me, i called my friend to ask how she said it. and she says "its play it by ear"
not the biggest fuck up, but i felt pretty fucking stupid for a while.
|
as a musician, you'd think i'd be more in touch with the language.
|
playing it by ear
|
[
"so i'm 18, and also very into music; i'm in a",
"marching band, my school's ensembles and brass",
"choir, so the phrase \"play it by ear\" is",
"something i'm quite familiar with.",
"i was in a car riding with my mom, my aunt and my",
"grandma when the topic of what we should do today",
"comes up. (my aunt and grandma were just visiting",
"u.s.) and my mom says \"well why don't we just",
"play it by ear?\"",
"and i'm like \"mom what did you say? did you say",
"play it by ear?\" and she says \"yeah that's how",
"you're supposed to say it.\"",
"and then the realization hits me: i had been",
"saying \"play it by year\" for 18 years! after my",
"family got finished laughing at me, i called my",
"friend to ask how she said it. and she says \"its",
"play it by ear\"",
"not the biggest fuck up, but i felt pretty",
"fucking stupid for a while."
] |
[
1,
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] |
i was in a car riding with my mom, my aunt and my and then the realization hits me: i had been
|
4 | 4 | 0.7 | 4 |
this was just over a week ago. i had been hanging out with the same girl for a few dates in a row and for whatever reason she wanted to stay in and have a pizza and movie night, which is great and all. we were looking for what to watch and hbogo or netflix or something had eyes wide shut on it. i think this movie is fucking hilarious and overwrought and generally pretty great. so we are watching it while kind of fooling around and whatever and one particularly stupid and over dramatic line is read by nicole kidman and i just lose my shit and start laughing my ass off.
i think this combined with the elevated heart rate associated with fooling around led to the following:
getting up and immediately falling into a sweaty fetal position ball of severe head pain, vomiting profusely for an hour straight and ending up in emergency neurosurgery the next day to fix a burst aneurysm/subarachnoid hemmorhage.
now i'm bored on reddit in the neuro icu and thats why. eyes wide fucking shut.
|
i laughed at a bad line in a movie and popped a blood vessell in my brain.
|
watching eyes wide shut.
|
[
"this was just over a week ago. i had been hanging",
"out with the same girl for a few dates in a row",
"and for whatever reason she wanted to stay in and",
"have a pizza and movie night, which is great and",
"all. we were looking for what to watch and hbogo",
"or netflix or something had eyes wide shut on it.",
"i think this movie is fucking hilarious and",
"overwrought and generally pretty great. so we are",
"watching it while kind of fooling around and",
"whatever and one particularly stupid and over",
"dramatic line is read by nicole kidman and i just",
"lose my shit and start laughing my ass off.",
"i think this combined with the elevated heart",
"rate associated with fooling around led to the",
"following:",
"getting up and immediately falling into a sweaty",
"fetal position ball of severe head pain, vomiting",
"profusely for an hour straight and ending up in",
"emergency neurosurgery the next day to fix a",
"burst aneurysm/subarachnoid hemmorhage.",
"now i'm bored on reddit in the neuro icu and",
"thats why. eyes wide fucking shut."
] |
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out with the same girl for a few dates in a row i think this movie is fucking hilarious and
|
3 | 7 | 1 | 3 |
let me preface this by saying this happened about a year ago, more or less. i don't quite remember exactly when, but it was a while ago, let's just say that. also, it has a good (decent?) ending so there's that. i got really lucky to say the least... anyway, here it goes:
i'm gonna keep this short & sweet, if you want the longer version, i [posted](https://www.reddit.com/r/metalcore/comments/2y7k3m/august_burns_red_saved_my_life/) it to /r/metalcore some time ago.
before i begin, let me say i have chronic insomnia, and sometimes, like this time, it gets **really** bad.
my sisters birthday was coming up, and i decided that i'd make my treck across the country to go see her in california. i lived in new york at the time. anyway, making my way across the states via car was an amazing experience. i got to see a lot of places and it was just a blast. throughout the journey, i told myself that i'd get some sleep at certain times. unfortunately, i couldn't. on several occasions where i definitely should've gotten some sleep, i just wasn't able to. fast forward some days and some beautiful views, i'm in california. i reach there in a little over 3 days. no sleep, whatsoever. constant driving, few stops. i reach san diego a few hours later. beautiful place, amazing views, i loved it. i was next to the ocean, on the freeway. driving along, occasionally looking at the scenery. my music is on, and i'm enjoying myself. i was listening to a relaxing cold play song while driving, and it was great. well, in a split second, it got ruined. i fell into one of my occasional micro sleeps. this only happens when i'm not able to sleep for days on end, and i just black out for several seconds. this was probably the most unfortunate time to black out, ever.
here's the lucky part. i blacked out just as soon as the cold play song finished, and a song by august burns red started (a metal band) and the drumming instantly woke me up before anything bad happened. i saw i was driving straight ahead towards some rocks on the curve of the freeway, and i quickly turn and continue on the road. then on, i made sure i was wide awake but i reached my sister completely safe. that was fucking close, to say the least.
|
i didn't get enough sleep on my roadtrip to california. blacked out in the middle of a freeway, loud song woke me up before anything bad happened.
|
not getting enough sleep
|
[
"let me preface this by saying this happened about",
"a year ago, more or less. i don't quite remember",
"exactly when, but it was a while ago, let's just",
"say that. also, it has a good (decent?) ending so",
"there's that. i got really lucky to say the",
"least... anyway, here it goes:",
"i'm gonna keep this short & sweet, if you want",
"the longer version, i",
"[posted](https://www.reddit.com/r/metalcore/comme",
"nts/2y7k3m/august_burns_red_saved_my_life/)",
"it to /r/metalcore some time ago.",
"before i begin, let me say i have chronic",
"insomnia, and sometimes, like this time, it gets",
"**really** bad.",
"my sisters birthday was coming up, and i decided",
"that i'd make my treck across the country to go",
"see her in california. i lived in new york at the",
"time. anyway, making my way across the states via",
"car was an amazing experience. i got to see a lot",
"of places and it was just a blast. throughout the",
"journey, i told myself that i'd get some sleep at",
"certain times. unfortunately, i couldn't. on",
"several occasions where i definitely should've",
"gotten some sleep, i just wasn't able to. fast",
"forward some days and some beautiful views, i'm",
"in california. i reach there in a little over 3",
"days. no sleep, whatsoever. constant driving, few",
"stops. i reach san diego a few hours later.",
"beautiful place, amazing views, i loved it. i was",
"next to the ocean, on the freeway. driving along,",
"occasionally looking at the scenery. my music is",
"on, and i'm enjoying myself. i was listening to a",
"relaxing cold play song while driving, and it was",
"great. well, in a split second, it got ruined. i",
"fell into one of my occasional micro sleeps. this",
"only happens when i'm not able to sleep for days",
"on end, and i just black out for several seconds.",
"this was probably the most unfortunate time to",
"black out, ever.",
"here's the lucky part. i blacked out just as soon",
"as the cold play song finished, and a song by",
"august burns red started (a metal band) and the",
"drumming instantly woke me up before anything bad",
"happened. i saw i was driving straight ahead",
"towards some rocks on the curve of the freeway,",
"and i quickly turn and continue on the road. then",
"on, i made sure i was wide awake but i reached my",
"sister completely safe. that was fucking close,",
"to say the least."
] |
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] |
next to the ocean, on the freeway. driving along, here's the lucky part. i blacked out just as soon drumming instantly woke me up before anything bad
|
4 | 7 | 0.86 | 4 |
this happened earlier today. it was the first day of school today and somehow i managed to sit with the girl i'm currently into. so as the lunch goes on i pull out a drink from my lunch and she sees my ice pack and she says "wow that's a fat ice pack" and without thinking i responded "you're fat." (this girl isn't fat even slightly, but still what the hell brain)
|
girl i like called my ice pack fat so i called her fat instead
|
because #nofilter
|
[
"this happened earlier today. it was the first day",
"of school today and somehow i managed to sit with",
"the girl i'm currently into. so as the lunch goes",
"on i pull out a drink from my lunch and she sees",
"my ice pack and she says \"wow that's a fat ice",
"pack\" and without thinking i responded \"you're",
"fat.\" (this girl isn't fat even slightly, but",
"still what the hell brain)"
] |
[
0,
0,
0.707237266663352,
0.3443107288149576,
1,
0.5364317429091316,
0.6812041764331355,
0
] |
my ice pack and she says "wow that's a fat ice
|
8 | 10 | 0.76 | 8 |
against tifu fashion, this actually happened 20 minutes ago.
so the backstory is my entire life story, so i wont bore you with that. just accept that i live with my grandparents because there is no room at my mom's house. theres absolutely no bad blood, theres just no damn room.
**note: "my house" is my grandparents house**
so anyway we had a family gathering type thing at my house. something like 45 people came and we all had a good time and all that. well my mom brought a cooler full of corn she boiledthat morning, the water in the cooler stayed damn-near-boiling all day.
well that cooler full of corn was left at our house and didnt get touched for a week. i just now cleaned it out. do you know what rotting corn smells like? its worse than any diaper ive changed. its so fucking bad. no, really, its really fucking bad.
i also put on a rubber glove to throw the corn away. i didnt realize the tip of the thumb on the glove was torn off until my hand was in the corn juice. now my thumb smells like rotting corn (which i didnt even know was a specific smell until tonight).
nothing really went wrong, but holy shit the smell almost made me puke.
e: ive gone so far as to wash my hands with mouthwash. the corn smell will not go away. jesus fucking christ.
|
did you know corn produces a smell worse than the dirtiest of diapers? don't forget about it in a cooler full of water.
|
neglecting corn my mom brought to the party in a cooler
|
[
"against tifu fashion, this actually happened 20",
"minutes ago.",
"so the backstory is my entire life story, so i",
"wont bore you with that. just accept that i live",
"with my grandparents because there is no room at",
"my mom's house. theres absolutely no bad blood,",
"theres just no damn room.",
"**note: \"my house\" is my grandparents house**",
"so anyway we had a family gathering type thing at",
"my house. something like 45 people came and we",
"all had a good time and all that. well my mom",
"brought a cooler full of corn she boiledthat",
"morning, the water in the cooler stayed",
"damn-near-boiling all day.",
"well that cooler full of corn was left at our",
"house and didnt get touched for a week. i just",
"now cleaned it out. do you know what rotting corn",
"smells like? its worse than any diaper ive",
"changed. its so fucking bad. no, really, its",
"really fucking bad.",
"i also put on a rubber glove to throw the corn",
"away. i didnt realize the tip of the thumb on the",
"glove was torn off until my hand was in the corn",
"juice. now my thumb smells like rotting corn",
"(which i didnt even know was a specific smell",
"until tonight).",
"nothing really went wrong, but holy shit the",
"smell almost made me puke.",
"e: ive gone so far as to wash my hands with",
"mouthwash. the corn smell will not go away. jesus",
"fucking christ."
] |
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|
0 | 2 | 0.5 | 0 |
last week but came back to haunt me today...
so i work produce in a grocery store and i'm supposed to be transferring to another position. i finished a task at hand and was hanging out on my phone real quick, i look up and the manager of the store is across the room watching me, she was standing there to take me to training for my new position. so the week continues to go by and today, another manager was riding my butt about doing my work, i noticed this shortly after i helped a customer with her question when i see him mouth "get to work, get to work", his facial expression was not happy. so i go in the back of the store and he follows me telling me there's been complaints filed, that he's been watching me. so i buckled down the rest of work. i clock out and go to hunt him down and ask about this so called complaint, hes says that the higher up manager who caught me on my phone has made a complaint and another employee too. okay, im not the kinda guy who would snitch but this ticked me off. i filed a complaint on 2 co-workers and a manager about something that happened the previous night, after that, specifically told him he'll be getting alot more complaints from me about the same things that my co-workers are doing.
|
= had complaints filed at work and is haunting me to this day.
|
being on my phone at work.
|
[
"last week but came back to haunt me today...",
"so i work produce in a grocery store and i'm",
"supposed to be transferring to another position.",
"i finished a task at hand and was hanging out on",
"my phone real quick, i look up and the manager of",
"the store is across the room watching me, she was",
"standing there to take me to training for my new",
"position. so the week continues to go by and",
"today, another manager was riding my butt about",
"doing my work, i noticed this shortly after i",
"helped a customer with her question when i see",
"him mouth \"get to work, get to work\", his facial",
"expression was not happy. so i go in the back of",
"the store and he follows me telling me there's",
"been complaints filed, that he's been watching",
"me. so i buckled down the rest of work. i clock",
"out and go to hunt him down and ask about this so",
"called complaint, hes says that the higher up",
"manager who caught me on my phone has made a",
"complaint and another employee too. okay, im not",
"the kinda guy who would snitch but this ticked me",
"off. i filed a complaint on 2 co-workers and a",
"manager about something that happened the",
"previous night, after that, specifically told him",
"he'll be getting alot more complaints from me",
"about the same things that my co-workers are",
"doing."
] |
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standing there to take me to training for my new been complaints filed, that he's been watching
|
293 | 32 | 0.97 | 293 |
this happened just a short while ago, just woke up from said dream. i was on a boat cruise with my friend, and all the passengers were dicks for some reason, for example took ages for me to get a dude out of my seat but eventually he moved. my friend was seated two seats away to my right, i'm not sure why we weren't together but this *is* in fact important information relevant to the story. so the guy seated directly to my left just started putting his head on my arm/shoulder. i was politely like hey man please stop that and he refused to stop, kept talking about this that blah blah and then he was like touching my leg and i was like yo man stop or i'm seriously gonna hit you. so he's like omg you're no fun and stops. everything is fine for about 30 seconds until my friend starts offering snacks over there two seats away to people sitting around him and this annoying dude next to me, having an excuse now, leans over me and starts tickling my balls like wtf so i instantly go to punch him, "throw a punch" in real life so i basically moved my arm, hit myself in the balls which woke me up only to discover my other hand was on my balls too which would explain the tickling.
|
sexually assaulted myself to defend against sexually assaulting myself.
|
getting aggressive in a dream (mildly nsfw?)
|
[
"this happened just a short while ago, just woke up",
"from said dream. i was on a boat cruise with my",
"friend, and all the passengers were dicks for",
"some reason, for example took ages for me to get",
"a dude out of my seat but eventually he moved. my",
"friend was seated two seats away to my right, i'm",
"not sure why we weren't together but this *is* in",
"fact important information relevant to the story.",
"so the guy seated directly to my left just",
"started putting his head on my arm/shoulder. i",
"was politely like hey man please stop that and he",
"refused to stop, kept talking about this that",
"blah blah and then he was like touching my leg",
"and i was like yo man stop or i'm seriously gonna",
"hit you. so he's like omg you're no fun and",
"stops. everything is fine for about 30 seconds",
"until my friend starts offering snacks over there",
"two seats away to people sitting around him and",
"this annoying dude next to me, having an excuse",
"now, leans over me and starts tickling my balls",
"like wtf so i instantly go to punch him, \"throw a",
"punch\" in real life so i basically moved my arm,",
"hit myself in the balls which woke me up only to",
"discover my other hand was on my balls too which",
"would explain the tickling."
] |
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hit myself in the balls which woke me up only to
|
2 | 3 | 1 | 2 |
dear reddit,
this literary happen just now and am on my way to work atm.
today i fucked up. i was having breakfast like usual every morning and i saw i had a little time so i decided to take a nap before leaving for work. time is 7:45, so it ought to myself why not a 15 minute nap before i left to work. work starts at 9:00. i woke up a few times but being myself, completely oblivious to everything forgot to wake up and leave for work. by 8:55 i was woken up by the calls of my grandmother. i competent freaked out.
|
never going to take morning naps ever again.
|
being oblivious to the time.
|
[
"dear reddit,",
"this literary happen just now and am on my way to",
"work atm.",
"today i fucked up. i was having breakfast like",
"usual every morning and i saw i had a little time",
"so i decided to take a nap before leaving for",
"work. time is 7:45, so it ought to myself why not",
"a 15 minute nap before i left to work. work",
"starts at 9:00. i woke up a few times but being",
"myself, completely oblivious to everything forgot",
"to wake up and leave for work. by 8:55 i was",
"woken up by the calls of my grandmother. i",
"competent freaked out."
] |
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so i decided to take a nap before leaving for
|
2 | 3 | 0.67 | 2 |
long time lurker first time poster. throwaway for reasons.
some background information about myself, i'm an 18 year old male living in ~~hockey town~~ canada. my social life committed suicide a long time ago.
now for the tifu.
i was on the subway, just going to a store to run some errands. i purchased a new phone the day before, so i was still unsure of how to utilize it properly. this tifu happened pretty quickly. so this absolutely dead drop gorgeous woman walks in, and i was standing up since there were no available seats. she's standing infront of me, and by god reddit. that ass. and if you're wondering, it was kate good. so me being a complete and horny idiot i decided i should take a picture for academic purposes. and, just my luck, my flash was on and needless to say the entire subway noticed it, including her. luckily she didn't really mind at all and just smiled, but every other person in the subway was looking at me like i just murdered 3 people in cold blood. i ~~got off~~ left at the next stop and took the next subway.
|
kate ass, nice lass, bad flash, no backlash.
|
not knowing how to use my phone
|
[
"long time lurker first time poster. throwaway for",
"reasons.",
"some background information about myself, i'm an",
"18 year old male living in ~~hockey town~~",
"canada. my social life committed suicide a long",
"time ago.",
"now for the tifu.",
"i was on the subway, just going to a store to run",
"some errands. i purchased a new phone the day",
"before, so i was still unsure of how to utilize",
"it properly. this tifu happened pretty quickly.",
"so this absolutely dead drop gorgeous woman walks",
"in, and i was standing up since there were no",
"available seats. she's standing infront of me,",
"and by god reddit. that ass. and if you're",
"wondering, it was kate good. so me being a",
"complete and horny idiot i decided i should take",
"a picture for academic purposes. and, just my",
"luck, my flash was on and needless to say the",
"entire subway noticed it, including her. luckily",
"she didn't really mind at all and just smiled,",
"but every other person in the subway was looking",
"at me like i just murdered 3 people in cold",
"blood. i ~~got off~~ left at the next stop and",
"took the next subway."
] |
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and by god reddit. that ass. and if you're
|
3 | 18 | 0.6 | 3 |
hi. i'm me. i'm a he. "i'm a long time listener, first time caller." and yes, this happened today.
but first.... (don't worry, tl;dr coming)
last winter, a relationship i really hoped would work out didn't. i was in a drunk funk for some months, and started using an anon messaging app to reach out to someone, anyone. one of those "post a random thought to people in your area and hope you didn't get a bunch of dick pics back" things.
started talking to a woman one night on this app; we bonded over common interests and past experiences, notably being cheated on by former so's. it's happened to me a few of times, cost me a marriage and an engagement, and unfortunately fostered a distrust that's subtlely stained my more recent relationships. she's very perceptive, charming, attractive, and quite a bit younger than me (well over the legal drinking age, but i can almost legally run for president).
we end up meeting in person for drinks. we're both ultra-nervous at first, but a little alcohol solve(nt)s that problem. i had a great time talking with her, and i guess she did too because she kept returning my texts. we end up going out some, staying in together some, doing some of the things that dating-people do (wink wink nudge nudge). it's during this initial stage that i learn that she's only here for about a year for a job and she's going to leave to resume her education in a galaxy far, far away, and i also learn that her only real relationship experience was with an abusive asshole. also, that she has to have major surgery for an injury sustained playing sports.
ok... i reason with myself, "y'know, i could probably do with something less serious, and i can try and show her not all guys are abusive assholes. i can make this work so that it's a positive experience we can both look back fondly on. i can do this. this could be good for us both."
those of you familiar with tifu will probably recognize this as "foreshadowing."
things quickly, casually, comfortably plateau for a month+. she and i work very different schedules and it was difficult to find time, but we found time here and there. she has the aforementioned surgery in early summer, and i tried to help as much as she'd let me while recovering. her fierce independent streak was certainly active then. =) recovery does not go as well as expected, and the pain and healing takes longer than everyone hoped.
we start not to see each other so much, though when we do, it's great. we still text and talk with regularity, but work schedules especially get in the way. she finally starts to reciprocate the affection i've been trying to give her; it had been i'd tell her "i care about you" and the response was "oh, ok." i finally got an "i care about you." *
recently we were able to see each other more, and things got better; closer, more comfortable. things seemed good.
then she left on vacation about two weeks ago.
she told me originally that she was meeting a "group of friends from college," but where she went is a long, long way away from her college. i tried not to bug her during the trip, and did get sporadic responses when i did.
she got home a few days ago; got a chance to talk last night. she told me about all the fun stuff she did, places she went, things she bought. made plans to hang out this weekend.
now... during the vacation, i'd gotten curious. she'd recently mentioned several (several) times about posting pics of her cat on reddit. her cat has a distinct name. i went searching.
those of you familiar with tifu will probably recognize this as "the moment shit went wrong."
it didn't even take a full minute to find her. and yes, 100% absolutely positive it's her. she regularly posts to a particular subreddit and is starting to have quite the following. nothing then that was problematic. actually, some very funny stories (none of which i'd heard, by the way, fwiw). i wasn't prepared at all....
the stories she'd been posting about her trip left it obvious she was omitting a shitload of detail, and probably straight up fabricating stuff to me. it seems that she went not to meet "a group of friends" but one guy, and that they did a whole lot of stuff that she didn't mention to me. in one comment, she talked about how he was "certainly not in the friend zone." another, she said they were "a thing."
then, the kicker: after that, in a totally different sub, she talks about how her "so" and she had already discussed wedding plans and talked about rings.
i don't have a clue what to think. all i have is bullshit from a basically anon website. but i also know that she doesn't think i see what she writes, and i have no reason not to believe it.
the funny bit is that she might see this and recognize herself.... that might be a future tifu. [laughs]
* (my best friend has been in abusive relationships and i've been exposed to the effects of that type of treatment. i want to be clear i understand that abusive behavior affects psychology and i'm not saying this is a fault. i also freely admit that i can't personally relate to that experience and am guessing.)
edit: formatting
|
meet someone online, bonded over being cheated on; bonding intensifies; find out from reddit she maybe have cheated on me.
|
finding out her reddit username.
|
[
"hi. i'm me. i'm a he. \"i'm a long time listener,",
"first time caller.\" and yes, this happened",
"today.",
"but first.... (don't worry, tl;dr coming)",
"last winter, a relationship i really hoped would",
"work out didn't. i was in a drunk funk for some",
"months, and started using an anon messaging app",
"to reach out to someone, anyone. one of those",
"\"post a random thought to people in your area and",
"hope you didn't get a bunch of dick pics back\"",
"things.",
"started talking to a woman one night on this app;",
"we bonded over common interests and past",
"experiences, notably being cheated on by former",
"so's. it's happened to me a few of times, cost",
"me a marriage and an engagement, and",
"unfortunately fostered a distrust that's subtlely",
"stained my more recent relationships. she's very",
"perceptive, charming, attractive, and quite a bit",
"younger than me (well over the legal drinking",
"age, but i can almost legally run for president).",
"we end up meeting in person for drinks. we're",
"both ultra-nervous at first, but a little alcohol",
"solve(nt)s that problem. i had a great time",
"talking with her, and i guess she did too because",
"she kept returning my texts. we end up going out",
"some, staying in together some, doing some of the",
"things that dating-people do (wink wink nudge",
"nudge). it's during this initial stage that i",
"learn that she's only here for about a year for a",
"job and she's going to leave to resume her",
"education in a galaxy far, far away, and i also",
"learn that her only real relationship experience",
"was with an abusive asshole. also, that she has",
"to have major surgery for an injury sustained",
"playing sports.",
"ok... i reason with myself, \"y'know, i could",
"probably do with something less serious, and i",
"can try and show her not all guys are abusive",
"assholes. i can make this work so that it's a",
"positive experience we can both look back fondly",
"on. i can do this. this could be good for us",
"both.\"",
"those of you familiar with tifu will probably",
"recognize this as \"foreshadowing.\"",
"things quickly, casually, comfortably plateau for",
"a month+. she and i work very different",
"schedules and it was difficult to find time, but",
"we found time here and there. she has the",
"aforementioned surgery in early summer, and i",
"tried to help as much as she'd let me while",
"recovering. her fierce independent streak was",
"certainly active then. =) recovery does not go",
"as well as expected, and the pain and healing",
"takes longer than everyone hoped.",
"we start not to see each other so much, though",
"when we do, it's great. we still text and talk",
"with regularity, but work schedules especially",
"get in the way. she finally starts to",
"reciprocate the affection i've been trying to",
"give her; it had been i'd tell her \"i care about",
"you\" and the response was \"oh, ok.\" i finally",
"got an \"i care about you.\" *",
"recently we were able to see each other more, and",
"things got better; closer, more comfortable.",
"things seemed good.",
"then she left on vacation about two weeks ago.",
"she told me originally that she was meeting a",
"\"group of friends from college,\" but where she",
"went is a long, long way away from her college.",
"i tried not to bug her during the trip, and did",
"get sporadic responses when i did.",
"she got home a few days ago; got a chance to talk",
"last night. she told me about all the fun stuff",
"she did, places she went, things she bought.",
"made plans to hang out this weekend.",
"now... during the vacation, i'd gotten curious.",
"she'd recently mentioned several (several) times",
"about posting pics of her cat on reddit. her cat",
"has a distinct name. i went searching.",
"those of you familiar with tifu will probably",
"recognize this as \"the moment shit went wrong.\"",
"it didn't even take a full minute to find her.",
"and yes, 100% absolutely positive it's her. she",
"regularly posts to a particular subreddit and is",
"starting to have quite the following. nothing",
"then that was problematic. actually, some very",
"funny stories (none of which i'd heard, by the",
"way, fwiw). i wasn't prepared at all....",
"the stories she'd been posting about her trip",
"left it obvious she was omitting a shitload of",
"detail, and probably straight up fabricating",
"stuff to me. it seems that she went not to meet",
"\"a group of friends\" but one guy, and that they",
"did a whole lot of stuff that she didn't mention",
"to me. in one comment, she talked about how he",
"was \"certainly not in the friend zone.\" another,",
"she said they were \"a thing.\"",
"then, the kicker: after that, in a totally",
"different sub, she talks about how her \"so\" and",
"she had already discussed wedding plans and",
"talked about rings.",
"i don't have a clue what to think. all i have is",
"bullshit from a basically anon website. but i",
"also know that she doesn't think i see what she",
"writes, and i have no reason not to believe it.",
"the funny bit is that she might see this and",
"recognize herself.... that might be a future",
"tifu. [laughs]",
"* (my best friend has been in abusive",
"relationships and i've been exposed to the",
"effects of that type of treatment. i want to be",
"clear i understand that abusive behavior affects",
"psychology and i'm not saying this is a fault. i",
"also freely admit that i can't personally relate",
"to that experience and am guessing.)",
"edit: formatting"
] |
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we bonded over common interests and past experiences, notably being cheated on by former stuff to me. it seems that she went not to meet
|
0 | 5 | 0.5 | 0 |
this actually happened today!
a bit of background info: i work in a clinical laboratory in a hospital setting, but this story is about our satellite lab in a clinic that is incredibly small and only requires one tech (the clinic literally shoved us in an unused "used linen" closet).
anyways, we have been on a rotating schedule and the tech that worked there last week did not throw out the urine since last tuesday. yes, he is a dick. so since there is a significant amount of piss in my fridge and i am forced to throw it out myself. i go over to my tinkle sink, run a small stream of water (dont want any backsplash) and open the first cup. this cup stank. this is on a military base so the most common things here are utis and stds. sometimes our fresh samples smell a little like a port-o-potty behind a whorehouse. but this is week old piss i am pouring out here! so i think to myself "i have like a gallon of piss here. i gotta dissipate this stank!" and grab the nearest thing which happens to be bleach.... i pour the bleach in the sink and continue to pop caps and pour out piss cups as quickly as possible. a few seconds go by and it smells even worse! it smells horrible. not like old pee or bleach. then my nose starts to tickle and i realized my fuck up. i stop pouring and turn on the tap full blast. i take a few steps back and take a second to really consider the fact that i combined ammonia and bleach without a second thought. granted, this is only 5% bleach and week old piss it was enough to cause a small reaction. i normally pour out pee with the door closed to spare the rest of the clinic, today the whole back hallway got to suffer with me.
|
poured bleach in with week old sick pee, caused small chemical reaction
|
causing a small chemical reaction
|
[
"this actually happened today!",
"a bit of background info: i work in a clinical",
"laboratory in a hospital setting, but this story",
"is about our satellite lab in a clinic that is",
"incredibly small and only requires one tech (the",
"clinic literally shoved us in an unused \"used",
"linen\" closet).",
"anyways, we have been on a rotating schedule and",
"the tech that worked there last week did not",
"throw out the urine since last tuesday. yes, he",
"is a dick. so since there is a significant amount",
"of piss in my fridge and i am forced to throw it",
"out myself. i go over to my tinkle sink, run a",
"small stream of water (dont want any backsplash)",
"and open the first cup. this cup stank. this is",
"on a military base so the most common things here",
"are utis and stds. sometimes our fresh samples",
"smell a little like a port-o-potty behind a",
"whorehouse. but this is week old piss i am",
"pouring out here! so i think to myself \"i have",
"like a gallon of piss here. i gotta dissipate",
"this stank!\" and grab the nearest thing which",
"happens to be bleach.... i pour the bleach in the",
"sink and continue to pop caps and pour out piss",
"cups as quickly as possible. a few seconds go by",
"and it smells even worse! it smells horrible. not",
"like old pee or bleach. then my nose starts to",
"tickle and i realized my fuck up. i stop pouring",
"and turn on the tap full blast. i take a few",
"steps back and take a second to really consider",
"the fact that i combined ammonia and bleach",
"without a second thought. granted, this is only",
"5% bleach and week old piss it was enough to",
"cause a small reaction. i normally pour out pee",
"with the door closed to spare the rest of the",
"clinic, today the whole back hallway got to",
"suffer with me."
] |
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5% bleach and week old piss it was enough to cause a small reaction. i normally pour out pee
|
2 | 0 | 1 | 2 |
so this happened about 12 or 13 years ago, you know how it goes.
i was about 11 or 12 and it was a snowy canadian winter in a small town. most of the time to keep ourselves entertained my friends and i would walk around the neighbourhood making snow forts, having snowball fights, sledding and whatnot. one morning a friend and i went out a little earlier than usual, around 9am. however none of our other friends were out playing at the time and we were struggling to find something to do.
we walked to a park down the street where there was a large, very steep hill up to the back side of corner store. the hill was pretty icy and slippery; and the bottom of hill had a 2 meter tall concrete retaining wall. we decided against sledding down it because it would pretty much be suicide. but we climbed up to the top and we messing around near the back of the corner store when we spotted them. huge icicles, hanging of the corner store's roof. these icicles were about as long as we were tall. needless to say as 11 or 12 year old kids we thought they were extraordinary and there were tons of them!
we started doing pretty much everything you'd expect kids to do. we started pretending they were swords and swinging them around and smashing them together. (you'd think this is where the tifu is but nope, there's more.) eventually we decided we should 'harvest' them and take them back to our houses so we grabbed as many as we could and hauled them down to the bottom of the hill. we piled them up right next to the retaining wall at the base of the hill. we smashed some more of them and threw a few around like spears.
afterwards we realized that messing around under where the icicles had formed and playing with them made got our snow suits pretty wet. we were soaked and tired so we figured we better not try and take any more of them back home. but we couldn't let anyone else have the great icicle weapons they're too powerful if wielded by the wrong hands. so we thought it would be best if we destroyed them; and we smashed them and went home for lunch. (i know, i know, where's the tifu? it's coming...)
after lunch i was hanging out in my basement all cozy in warm clothes, drinking hot cocoa and playing morrowind iirc. suddenly i heard a bunch of commotion on the street outside. so looked out my window and there was a big group of my friends all huddled around one kid. so i threw on my snow boots and ran out to see what was going on. it turns out one of my friends from down the street thought it would be a good idea to sled down the super steep hill and did it face first. he subsequently launched off the 2 meter high retaining wall and right into the icicles we had smashed just hours earlier. he didn't die thankfully, but he had tons of blood running down his face from a gash where the ice cut him. he now has a harry potter style scar on his forehead. i never told him that we smashed the ice he hit. luke, if you're reading this... i'm so sorry!
|
a friend and i smashed some ice at the bottom of a hill. kid sledded down it and launched right into broken ice with his face. now has big scar on his forehead.
|
smashing icicles with a friend.
|
[
"so this happened about 12 or 13 years ago, you",
"know how it goes.",
"i was about 11 or 12 and it was a snowy canadian",
"winter in a small town. most of the time to keep",
"ourselves entertained my friends and i would walk",
"around the neighbourhood making snow forts,",
"having snowball fights, sledding and whatnot. one",
"morning a friend and i went out a little earlier",
"than usual, around 9am. however none of our other",
"friends were out playing at the time and we were",
"struggling to find something to do.",
"we walked to a park down the street where there",
"was a large, very steep hill up to the back side",
"of corner store. the hill was pretty icy and",
"slippery; and the bottom of hill had a 2 meter",
"tall concrete retaining wall. we decided against",
"sledding down it because it would pretty much be",
"suicide. but we climbed up to the top and we",
"messing around near the back of the corner store",
"when we spotted them. huge icicles, hanging of",
"the corner store's roof. these icicles were about",
"as long as we were tall. needless to say as 11 or",
"12 year old kids we thought they were",
"extraordinary and there were tons of them!",
"we started doing pretty much everything you'd",
"expect kids to do. we started pretending they",
"were swords and swinging them around and smashing",
"them together. (you'd think this is where the",
"tifu is but nope, there's more.) eventually we",
"decided we should 'harvest' them and take them",
"back to our houses so we grabbed as many as we",
"could and hauled them down to the bottom of the",
"hill. we piled them up right next to the",
"retaining wall at the base of the hill. we",
"smashed some more of them and threw a few around",
"like spears.",
"afterwards we realized that messing around under",
"where the icicles had formed and playing with",
"them made got our snow suits pretty wet. we were",
"soaked and tired so we figured we better not try",
"and take any more of them back home. but we",
"couldn't let anyone else have the great icicle",
"weapons they're too powerful if wielded by the",
"wrong hands. so we thought it would be best if we",
"destroyed them; and we smashed them and went home",
"for lunch. (i know, i know, where's the tifu?",
"it's coming...)",
"after lunch i was hanging out in my basement all",
"cozy in warm clothes, drinking hot cocoa and",
"playing morrowind iirc. suddenly i heard a bunch",
"of commotion on the street outside. so looked out",
"my window and there was a big group of my friends",
"all huddled around one kid. so i threw on my snow",
"boots and ran out to see what was going on. it",
"turns out one of my friends from down the street",
"thought it would be a good idea to sled down the",
"super steep hill and did it face first. he",
"subsequently launched off the 2 meter high",
"retaining wall and right into the icicles we had",
"smashed just hours earlier. he didn't die",
"thankfully, but he had tons of blood running down",
"his face from a gash where the ice cut him. he",
"now has a harry potter style scar on his",
"forehead. i never told him that we smashed the",
"ice he hit. luke, if you're reading this... i'm",
"so sorry!"
] |
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morning a friend and i went out a little earlier could and hauled them down to the bottom of the retaining wall at the base of the hill. we now has a harry potter style scar on his
|
0 | 1 | 0.5 | 0 |
so, buisnessish guy here, 25 and mostly a happy person.
we had a meeting at work today (ikr a tifu post that happend today) and was a long arse meeting. so here's the fu. we had a 15 minute break around 2 hours into some presentation about santa claus anus and i needed a shit, badly. so as soon as they gave us the break i bolted to the loo. now, all was good, apart from the fact that this was a bit of a mushy shit. anyway, i had 2 minutes to finish, and as soon as the last torpedo left my bumhole i pulled my pants up. and yes, i forgot to wipe my arse in the rush to finish. so i now had shit smeared all over my pants and a horrible shitty coolness wafting through my pants. i tried my very best to wipe the excess shit that had formed in my pants and returned to the meeting. i spent the next 2 hours with cold shitty pants that i could do nothing about.
|
needed to shit in a rush, forgot to wipe arse and pulled pants up, spent rest of meeting with shitty pants
|
not wiping my arse
|
[
"so, buisnessish guy here, 25 and mostly a happy",
"person.",
"we had a meeting at work today (ikr a tifu post",
"that happend today) and was a long arse meeting.",
"so here's the fu. we had a 15 minute break around",
"2 hours into some presentation about santa claus",
"anus and i needed a shit, badly. so as soon as",
"they gave us the break i bolted to the loo. now,",
"all was good, apart from the fact that this was a",
"bit of a mushy shit. anyway, i had 2 minutes to",
"finish, and as soon as the last torpedo left my",
"bumhole i pulled my pants up. and yes, i forgot",
"to wipe my arse in the rush to finish. so i now",
"had shit smeared all over my pants and a horrible",
"shitty coolness wafting through my pants. i tried",
"my very best to wipe the excess shit that had",
"formed in my pants and returned to the meeting. i",
"spent the next 2 hours with cold shitty pants",
"that i could do nothing about."
] |
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0.5197628197345061,
0.7469092316573692,
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0
] |
bumhole i pulled my pants up. and yes, i forgot to wipe my arse in the rush to finish. so i now spent the next 2 hours with cold shitty pants
|
171 | 88 | 0.89 | 171 |
i am the guest of honor at an absolute horror show. i have read some pretty sick articles about people awake for days on meth who end up doing something nuts like peeling off their skin with a knife because they think spiders are on them. i could comprehend those stories and register the shock factor but i never *truly* understood how deeply disturbing it can be inside that situation. i thought i knew this person, we've been friends for a little while now and looking back sure there were warning signs but i fell asleep at the wheel and missed them. honestly after moving in with him things didn't seem too unmanageable at first, just smoking bud and occasionally eating some molly. recently though i noticed he's amped things quite up a bit, he's up all hours of the night for days on end. this most recent journey through hell has been on the heels of a 5 day bender equipped with a laundry list of drugs, most notably truckloads of molly. i have never witnessed anything like this before and after 5 days of this shit i'm positive i’ll never have something as fucking bizarre as this happen to me ever again.
let’s run through the past couple days. all day friday my roommate was walking from window to window in the front of the apartment looking out for imaginary police he thinks are coming to get him for 6 straight hours. doing nothing else but walking window to window then walking away for a minute only to come back like clockwork to see what's changed. no eating, no bathroom breaks, nothing else but window watching. all my attempts to stop him failed terribly, everything i said fell on deaf ears for hours. after "finally" convincing him that it's going to look awfully bad if this pale hooded figure is standing in the window for 6 hours straight and is spotted by anyone who dares to look at our apartment windows he submits. at that moment i thought i had won a small victory using reason and intelligence to finally get him to back off and instead glue himself to the phone for a while. it appeared my efforts had finally paid off. after a couple of hours watching television i needed to take a trip to the bathroom, at which point he had not moved for a while so i figured he was finally crashing. walking back to the kitchen however, my wandering eyes catch a glimpse of what he had been looking at on his phone for the past 2 whole hours, and man… my jaw hit the floor... the kid had his camera app out and had been moving it back and forth **so he can continue to look out the windows without scaring all the neighbors**!! wwhhhatttttt!!!! he physically could *not* stop himself from looking out the windows. he might have died if he couldn’t look out them for a few minutes in a row, i'm convinced. at that point i was like *i gotta go for a walk and get some fresh air man this is too much for me right now* but when i went to leave i noticed he had the door deadbolt locked which could only be opened with a key and mine was nowhere to be found. after looking for a half hour while he continued to stare out the window on his phone i reached to the bottom of “his” laundry basket, not actually thinking i was going to find my key hidden underneath all of his clothes, yet there it was. then it hit me, if he couldn’t stop looking out the windows from paranoia i'm probably gonna shatter his whole freakin world by opening the door. i am so fucking mad at him but i don't accuse him of hiding my keys there because he's so irrational at this point i'm sure he will claim i'm attacking him. fuck it i **needed** out of the place for a while, i didn’t care how much it pissed him off i was opening the fucking door. so i walked back to my room and shut my *bedroom* door behind me to collect a few things before i left. when i opened my door i looked directly down in front of me... fucking bizzaroworld... he had, in a last ditch effort to stop me from opening the front door and going outside, put the one and a half feet tall flimsy ass dog gate (that i could accidentally sneeze and blow over) in front of my bedroom door and snuck away without saying anything thinking it would somehow be able to stop me from leaving my bedroom. that is when it sunk in how deep this was. i wasn't sure he knew he even did that, it may have just been some subconscious need to box me in my room spilling out. i stepped over the gate and walked out of the apartment.
i decided to crash at a friends for a few hours and walk back at about 8 am. when got back and i try to get in i realized he somehow jammed the top deadbolt and locked me out of the house. i got on the phone to reason with him and he started going off about how his ipad was missing and he thought i took it so he locked me out. his paranoia had hit the ceiling, at that point i had no idea how to handle it. i then decided to wait a few more hours and try him again. reasoning with him is like talking to a goldfish who forgets everything that has happened in the last 30 seconds it's just totally baffling. somehow i got him to let me in but upon entering the apartment my eyes almost popped out of my head. he had torn the entire living room and kitchen **completely** apart because he heard a beeping noise and couldn’t’ find where it was coming from. i don't think i even need to say there was no beeping noise do i? he had found his ipad too, it turns out he had made a fucking hole in the wall and drilled a piece of wood over it to hide it in and forgot about it for days. his new paranoia level had now officially breached the ceiling, burst through the stratosphere, and shot into fucking outer space.
it’s sunday morning i hadn't finished writing this yet and planned on completing it this later tonight, but i'm sitting in the *police station* after this situation came to frightening conclusion and have some time on my hands. last night after coming home the keys would not open the front door because my roommate had changed the lock so my only option was climbing through the bathroom window. at about 6:00 in the morning my roommate came home and woke me up and flipped his shit claiming that it was somehow my fault i was locked out because i had changed the keys on my keyring and somehow fucked it up (even though it’s his deadbolt and he has the key it would have been impossible for me to put something on my keyring that he possesses but the words “logic” and “rationale” are not something that he could even spell in that state nevermind understand). after being threatened with a baseball bat and him screaming irrationally at the top of his lungs “i’m smarter than you, you can’t tell me i’m wrong this is my apartment!!” for a few minutes i had no choice but to walk shoeless and shirtless in the rain to the main road to flag somehow down and use their phone to call the police. after a police escort back to the apartment to get my phone, shoes, and shirt i returned once again with a family member and more police officers to move my belonging out and just like a magician saving the best trick of the show for last, he managed to capture my amazement one more time. as he opened the door to greet the officers i saw him step on his porch and i almost jumped out of my shoes. there was blood **pouring** down the side of his face and what’s more, he didn’t even realize it. mind = blown... a completely shocked officer asked him why there was blood all over his face and my (ex) roommate replied as if it was a small bump that hardly needed asprin. most of it had dried by that point and was sticking to his head so it was pretty obvious he had no clue. honestly i don’t think he even knew what day it was, the officers couldn’t carry a conversation for more than a minute or two before he forgot what they were talking about and started saying random shit. after grabbing all of my stuff and packing up to leave one of the officers approached my mother and told her in his 17 years on the police force this was one of the oddest things he had ever seen.
i’m sitting at the police station now sorting this mess out wondering how the hell i ended up here. why did this shit have to happen to me i don’t belong in these situations. my next roommate is going to be a crystal meth addict i just know it, i’ve been having that kind of luck lately. seriously though fuck my life this sucks.
|
5 days in a madhouse after i moved into a new apartment with person who is addicted to molly and never sleeps. he is a paranoid delusional and and things got so out of control i needed police to intervene so i could move out. i have bad luck and my next roomate will undoubtedly be a meth addict.
|
unknowingly move in with a schizophrenic molly addict (nsfw)
|
[
"i am the guest of honor at an absolute horror",
"show. i have read some pretty sick articles about",
"people awake for days on meth who end up doing",
"something nuts like peeling off their skin with a",
"knife because they think spiders are on them. i",
"could comprehend those stories and register the",
"shock factor but i never *truly* understood how",
"deeply disturbing it can be inside that",
"situation. i thought i knew this person, we've",
"been friends for a little while now and looking",
"back sure there were warning signs but i fell",
"asleep at the wheel and missed them. honestly",
"after moving in with him things didn't seem too",
"unmanageable at first, just smoking bud and",
"occasionally eating some molly. recently though i",
"noticed he's amped things quite up a bit, he's up",
"all hours of the night for days on end. this most",
"recent journey through hell has been on the heels",
"of a 5 day bender equipped with a laundry list of",
"drugs, most notably truckloads of molly. i have",
"never witnessed anything like this before and",
"after 5 days of this shit i'm positive i’ll never",
"have something as fucking bizarre as this happen",
"to me ever again.",
" ",
"let’s run through the past couple days. all day",
"friday my roommate was walking from window to",
"window in the front of the apartment looking out",
"for imaginary police he thinks are coming to get",
"him for 6 straight hours. doing nothing else but",
"walking window to window then walking away for a",
"minute only to come back like clockwork to see",
"what's changed. no eating, no bathroom breaks,",
"nothing else but window watching. all my attempts",
"to stop him failed terribly, everything i said",
"fell on deaf ears for hours. after \"finally\"",
"convincing him that it's going to look awfully",
"bad if this pale hooded figure is standing in the",
"window for 6 hours straight and is spotted by",
"anyone who dares to look at our apartment windows",
"he submits. at that moment i thought i had won a",
"small victory using reason and intelligence to",
"finally get him to back off and instead glue",
"himself to the phone for a while. it appeared my",
"efforts had finally paid off. after a couple of",
"hours watching television i needed to take a trip",
"to the bathroom, at which point he had not moved",
"for a while so i figured he was finally crashing.",
"walking back to the kitchen however, my wandering",
"eyes catch a glimpse of what he had been looking",
"at on his phone for the past 2 whole hours, and",
"man… my jaw hit the floor... the kid had his",
"camera app out and had been moving it back and",
"forth **so he can continue to look out the",
"windows without scaring all the neighbors**!!",
"wwhhhatttttt!!!! he physically could *not* stop",
"himself from looking out the windows. he might",
"have died if he couldn’t look out them for a few",
"minutes in a row, i'm convinced. at that point i",
"was like *i gotta go for a walk and get some",
"fresh air man this is too much for me right now*",
"but when i went to leave i noticed he had the",
"door deadbolt locked which could only be opened",
"with a key and mine was nowhere to be found.",
"after looking for a half hour while he continued",
"to stare out the window on his phone i reached to",
"the bottom of “his” laundry basket, not actually",
"thinking i was going to find my key hidden",
"underneath all of his clothes, yet there it was.",
"then it hit me, if he couldn’t stop looking out",
"the windows from paranoia i'm probably gonna",
"shatter his whole freakin world by opening the",
"door. i am so fucking mad at him but i don't",
"accuse him of hiding my keys there because he's",
"so irrational at this point i'm sure he will",
"claim i'm attacking him. fuck it i **needed** out",
"of the place for a while, i didn’t care how much",
"it pissed him off i was opening the fucking door.",
"so i walked back to my room and shut my *bedroom*",
"door behind me to collect a few things before i",
"left. when i opened my door i looked directly",
"down in front of me... fucking bizzaroworld... he",
"had, in a last ditch effort to stop me from",
"opening the front door and going outside, put the",
"one and a half feet tall flimsy ass dog gate",
"(that i could accidentally sneeze and blow over)",
"in front of my bedroom door and snuck away",
"without saying anything thinking it would somehow",
"be able to stop me from leaving my bedroom. that",
"is when it sunk in how deep this was. i wasn't",
"sure he knew he even did that, it may have just",
"been some subconscious need to box me in my room",
"spilling out. i stepped over the gate and walked",
"out of the apartment.",
" ",
"i decided to crash at a friends for a few hours",
"and walk back at about 8 am. when got back and i",
"try to get in i realized he somehow jammed the",
"top deadbolt and locked me out of the house. i",
"got on the phone to reason with him and he",
"started going off about how his ipad was missing",
"and he thought i took it so he locked me out. his",
"paranoia had hit the ceiling, at that point i had",
"no idea how to handle it. i then decided to wait",
"a few more hours and try him again. reasoning",
"with him is like talking to a goldfish who",
"forgets everything that has happened in the last",
"30 seconds it's just totally baffling. somehow i",
"got him to let me in but upon entering the",
"apartment my eyes almost popped out of my head.",
"he had torn the entire living room and kitchen",
"**completely** apart because he heard a beeping",
"noise and couldn’t’ find where it was coming",
"from. i don't think i even need to say there was",
"no beeping noise do i? he had found his ipad too,",
"it turns out he had made a fucking hole in the",
"wall and drilled a piece of wood over it to hide",
"it in and forgot about it for days. his new",
"paranoia level had now officially breached the",
"ceiling, burst through the stratosphere, and shot",
"into fucking outer space.",
" ",
"it’s sunday morning i hadn't finished writing",
"this yet and planned on completing it this later",
"tonight, but i'm sitting in the *police station*",
"after this situation came to frightening",
"conclusion and have some time on my hands. last",
"night after coming home the keys would not open",
"the front door because my roommate had changed",
"the lock so my only option was climbing through",
"the bathroom window. at about 6:00 in the morning",
"my roommate came home and woke me up and flipped",
"his shit claiming that it was somehow my fault i",
"was locked out because i had changed the keys on",
"my keyring and somehow fucked it up (even though",
"it’s his deadbolt and he has the key it would",
"have been impossible for me to put something on",
"my keyring that he possesses but the words",
"“logic” and “rationale” are not something that he",
"could even spell in that state nevermind",
"understand). after being threatened with a",
"baseball bat and him screaming irrationally at",
"the top of his lungs “i’m smarter than you, you",
"can’t tell me i’m wrong this is my apartment!!”",
"for a few minutes i had no choice but to walk",
"shoeless and shirtless in the rain to the main",
"road to flag somehow down and use their phone to",
"call the police. after a police escort back to",
"the apartment to get my phone, shoes, and shirt i",
"returned once again with a family member and more",
"police officers to move my belonging out and just",
"like a magician saving the best trick of the show",
"for last, he managed to capture my amazement one",
"more time. as he opened the door to greet the",
"officers i saw him step on his porch and i almost",
"jumped out of my shoes. there was blood",
"**pouring** down the side of his face and what’s",
"more, he didn’t even realize it. mind = blown...",
"a completely shocked officer asked him why there",
"was blood all over his face and my (ex) roommate",
"replied as if it was a small bump that hardly",
"needed asprin. most of it had dried by that point",
"and was sticking to his head so it was pretty",
"obvious he had no clue. honestly i don’t think he",
"even knew what day it was, the officers couldn’t",
"carry a conversation for more than a minute or",
"two before he forgot what they were talking about",
"and started saying random shit. after grabbing",
"all of my stuff and packing up to leave one of",
"the officers approached my mother and told her in",
"his 17 years on the police force this was one of",
"the oddest things he had ever seen.",
" ",
"i’m sitting at the police station now sorting",
"this mess out wondering how the hell i ended up",
"here. why did this shit have to happen to me i",
"don’t belong in these situations. my next",
"roommate is going to be a crystal meth addict i",
"just know it, i’ve been having that kind of luck",
"lately. seriously though fuck my life this sucks.",
" "
] |
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drugs, most notably truckloads of molly. i have after 5 days of this shit i'm positive i’ll never so irrational at this point i'm sure he will out of the apartment. police officers to move my belonging out and just don’t belong in these situations. my next roommate is going to be a crystal meth addict i
|
9 | 2 | 0.79 | 9 |
this happened last week
so my class gets called down to the chapel in our school. we get there and i sit down with my friend, we'll call him joseph.
me and joseph always joke around and usually it involves some pretty dark humour.
3 more classes come down and the service starts. 40 or so minutes into the service and the priest starts asking if anyone wants to pray to their loved ones.
here comes the fuck up.
so one of the teachers raises her hand and says that her sister-in-law was just diagnosed with cancer
and my friend whispers into my ear with the coldest fucking voice
"wrect"
and i fucking lose it.
i'm dying of laughter and i'm trying to stop but i cant. everyone in the room just gives me the death stare while i laugh my lungs out.
at this i point i've been laughing for about 8 seconds when i start to simmer down.
i start apologising while giggling and the whole room is silent now.
after the long silence that felt like eternity the mass continues and i feel like i just slapped a baby with the side of a knife
people turn around and say "lolfuehrer what the fucks wrong with you" and "how was that funny" and i just feel like the worst person in the world.
after the mass my homeroom teacher asks me what that was all about and i just say i thought of something funny.
i never felt so bad.
|
rekt mate
|
laughing at school mass.
|
[
"this happened last week",
"so my class gets called down to the chapel in our",
"school. we get there and i sit down with my",
"friend, we'll call him joseph.",
"me and joseph always joke around and usually it",
"involves some pretty dark humour.",
"3 more classes come down and the service starts.",
"40 or so minutes into the service and the priest",
"starts asking if anyone wants to pray to their",
"loved ones.",
"here comes the fuck up.",
"so one of the teachers raises her hand and says",
"that her sister-in-law was just diagnosed with",
"cancer",
"and my friend whispers into my ear with the",
"coldest fucking voice",
"\"wrect\"\n\nand i fucking lose it.",
"i'm dying of laughter and i'm trying to stop but",
"i cant. everyone in the room just gives me the",
"death stare while i laugh my lungs out.",
"at this i point i've been laughing for about 8",
"seconds when i start to simmer down.",
"i start apologising while giggling and the whole",
"room is silent now.",
"after the long silence that felt like eternity",
"the mass continues and i feel like i just slapped",
"a baby with the side of a knife",
"people turn around and say \"lolfuehrer what the",
"fucks wrong with you\" and \"how was that funny\"",
"and i just feel like the worst person in the",
"world.",
"after the mass my homeroom teacher asks me what",
"that was all about and i just say i thought of",
"something funny.",
"i never felt so bad."
] |
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70 | 24 | 0.8 | 70 |
i have been encouraged to post this over from r/sex.
the content is the same with a few grammatical changes. people get annoyed with bad grammar apparently.
okay so two nights ago. i'm on a night out with some friends and get pretty drunk. i get chatting to this guy who i've had my eye on for a while. we're having a great time so i invite him back to my place. we have a couple more drinks and move things through to the bedroom. now everything seems to be going well although probably a bit sloppy since we've both drank a fair bit. at one point he gets up to go get a drink of water. i move over to my side of the bed and all of a sudden this horrible smell hits me. i'm confused and it takes me a minute to find the source, i look down on to the bed and there it is about a fist sized smear of brown shit. then the freak out begins!
still confused i put a hand down in between my cheeks and sure enough slightly lumpy watery shit is between my butt cheeks!! how the fuck did that happen? i have no recollection of even farting, never mind physically shitting myself. was i so relaxed/drunk that i didn't even notice shit vacating my arse! so all of a sudden i hear the guy walking back through for round two and the only thing i can think to do is play dead. he comes back in and crawls up the bed on top of me and i just lay there motionless feigning sleep, he mumbles something and proceeds to shake me to wake me up. sorry buddy but i'm covered in shit and i can't deal with life never mind you. i'm still confused how he possibly couldn't of smelled it. it's shit, it fucking stinks!
anyway he gives up and crawls to the other side of the bed. after about 15minutes of me not moving a muscle with my butt cheeks clenched together for dear life, i make my move, i reach down and grab the first item of clothing i can find and shove it in between my crack. i slowly inch my way out of bed and make a mad dash for the bathroom. now that i have light i can see that of all the items of clothing i could have grapped i of course grabbed his boxers! i'm standing in the bathroom with his now shit covered boxers dangling from my arse. i am mortified. i quickly clean myself up trying to make as little noise as possible and shove his underwear in the bin.
i now have the problem of dealing with the shit covered bed. i sneak back through and attempt to try and pull the bottom sheet away from the bed, but he's to heavy to get it out from underneath him. in my inebriated state i try to come up with a solution!
light bulb! oh i know, i'll cut the patch out. i run to the kitchen and grab the scissors and tip toe back into the room where i proceed to hack away a semi circle out of my bed linen. i quickly check for anything else. remove all evidence and get back in to bed. i must of straight passed out. about 10 the next morning i hear him get up and look around for his underwear. he tells me he has work to go to and kisses me goodbye and leaves my house.
i still can't believe this has actually happened to me. i'm a 26 year old women who would have bet money on the fact that she was completely in control of her bowels! well apparently not! now i am totally mortified that something like this could have happened but my question is, do you think the guy had any idea? i would like to think not, but again i was pretty wasted and was probably making all sorts of noise banging around, and who's to say i didn't get any on him.
if this happened to you, would you inform the girl or just get the hell out of there. poor boy had to leave with out his underwear as they were buried in the bin.
oh god the shame!!
|
this is an amusing, moritifing story of the unthinkable happening during sex.
|
i shat myself during sex [cross post]
|
[
"i have been encouraged to post this over from",
"r/sex.",
"the content is the same with a few grammatical",
"changes. people get annoyed with bad grammar",
"apparently.",
"okay so two nights ago. i'm on a night out with",
"some friends and get pretty drunk. i get chatting",
"to this guy who i've had my eye on for a while.",
"we're having a great time so i invite him back to",
"my place. we have a couple more drinks and move",
"things through to the bedroom. now everything",
"seems to be going well although probably a bit",
"sloppy since we've both drank a fair bit. at one",
"point he gets up to go get a drink of water. i",
"move over to my side of the bed and all of a",
"sudden this horrible smell hits me. i'm confused",
"and it takes me a minute to find the source, i",
"look down on to the bed and there it is about a",
"fist sized smear of brown shit. then the freak",
"out begins!",
"still confused i put a hand down in between my",
"cheeks and sure enough slightly lumpy watery shit",
"is between my butt cheeks!! how the fuck did that",
"happen? i have no recollection of even farting,",
"never mind physically shitting myself. was i so",
"relaxed/drunk that i didn't even notice shit",
"vacating my arse! so all of a sudden i hear the",
"guy walking back through for round two and the",
"only thing i can think to do is play dead. he",
"comes back in and crawls up the bed on top of me",
"and i just lay there motionless feigning sleep,",
"he mumbles something and proceeds to shake me to",
"wake me up. sorry buddy but i'm covered in shit",
"and i can't deal with life never mind you. i'm",
"still confused how he possibly couldn't of",
"smelled it. it's shit, it fucking stinks!",
"anyway he gives up and crawls to the other side",
"of the bed. after about 15minutes of me not",
"moving a muscle with my butt cheeks clenched",
"together for dear life, i make my move, i reach",
"down and grab the first item of clothing i can",
"find and shove it in between my crack. i slowly",
"inch my way out of bed and make a mad dash for",
"the bathroom. now that i have light i can see",
"that of all the items of clothing i could have",
"grapped i of course grabbed his boxers! i'm",
"standing in the bathroom with his now shit",
"covered boxers dangling from my arse. i am",
"mortified. i quickly clean myself up trying to",
"make as little noise as possible and shove his",
"underwear in the bin.",
"i now have the problem of dealing with the shit",
"covered bed. i sneak back through and attempt to",
"try and pull the bottom sheet away from the bed,",
"but he's to heavy to get it out from underneath",
"him. in my inebriated state i try to come up with",
"a solution!",
"light bulb! oh i know, i'll cut the patch out. i",
"run to the kitchen and grab the scissors and tip",
"toe back into the room where i proceed to hack",
"away a semi circle out of my bed linen. i quickly",
"check for anything else. remove all evidence and",
"get back in to bed. i must of straight passed",
"out. about 10 the next morning i hear him get up",
"and look around for his underwear. he tells me he",
"has work to go to and kisses me goodbye and",
"leaves my house.",
"i still can't believe this has actually happened",
"to me. i'm a 26 year old women who would have",
"bet money on the fact that she was completely in",
"control of her bowels! well apparently not! now i",
"am totally mortified that something like this",
"could have happened but my question is, do you",
"think the guy had any idea? i would like to think",
"not, but again i was pretty wasted and was",
"probably making all sorts of noise banging",
"around, and who's to say i didn't get any on him.",
"if this happened to you, would you inform the",
"girl or just get the hell out of there. poor boy",
"had to leave with out his underwear as they were",
"buried in the bin.",
"oh god the shame!!"
] |
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of the bed. after about 15minutes of me not
|
4 | 4 | 0.67 | 4 |
an old friend and i get together for drinks, we met last year in a shared class and this was the first time we were reconnecting. at the bar they had connect-4 and we decided to bet truth-or-dare to each rounds' winner. the game started off nicely: my first dare was to take off my shirt and just wear my jacket, hers was to dance with me for 30 seconds when no one else was grooving to the live jazz band. truths were asked: have you ever thought about fucking me? (i have), are you a dom or a sub? (she's a sub and wants to be degraded) whats a fantasy that you have? (road-head)
at this point we both knew where this was going. my last dare ended up with her kissing me (first time with us). we rushed down the last of our beer and ran outside to ravish each other. getting into my car, one of my fantasies came true. we managed to keep the fire going as i'm searching the urban jungle for a goddamn parking spot in front of her apartment.
finally though, hands down some of the best sex i've had in long time. fuck going to the bathroom to freshen up first, we went straight at it. this nerd finally got his, and got to feel very dominant for the first time. i don't know how many times she came but all she wanted after a certain point was me in her mouth. it was one of the biggest releases i've ever experienced, and it was also dark. as i was cumming, it just wouldn't stop, but i didnt know that it wasn't just semen coming out after the first few pumps. to my utter shock i was actually "ejaculating" urine, but i couldn't stop because it felt so good. my drunken body just had to break the seal.
meanwhile she takes all of it in the face. i'm sitting over her body, seeing that the pillows were soaked, her hair drenched in god knows what, staring at each other with no idea what to say..
"i'm gonna go rinse off"...
|
amazing blowjob ends with a climax of semen and urine in a girl's face
|
nsfw
|
[
"an old friend and i get together for drinks, we",
"met last year in a shared class and this was the",
"first time we were reconnecting. at the bar they",
"had connect-4 and we decided to bet truth-or-dare",
"to each rounds' winner. the game started off",
"nicely: my first dare was to take off my shirt",
"and just wear my jacket, hers was to dance with",
"me for 30 seconds when no one else was grooving",
"to the live jazz band. truths were asked: have",
"you ever thought about fucking me? (i have), are",
"you a dom or a sub? (she's a sub and wants to be",
"degraded) whats a fantasy that you have?",
"(road-head)",
"at this point we both knew where this was going.",
"my last dare ended up with her kissing me (first",
"time with us). we rushed down the last of our",
"beer and ran outside to ravish each other.",
"getting into my car, one of my fantasies came",
"true. we managed to keep the fire going as i'm",
"searching the urban jungle for a goddamn parking",
"spot in front of her apartment.",
"finally though, hands down some of the best sex",
"i've had in long time. fuck going to the bathroom",
"to freshen up first, we went straight at it. this",
"nerd finally got his, and got to feel very",
"dominant for the first time. i don't know how",
"many times she came but all she wanted after a",
"certain point was me in her mouth. it was one of",
"the biggest releases i've ever experienced, and",
"it was also dark. as i was cumming, it just",
"wouldn't stop, but i didnt know that it wasn't",
"just semen coming out after the first few pumps.",
"to my utter shock i was actually \"ejaculating\"",
"urine, but i couldn't stop because it felt so",
"good. my drunken body just had to break the seal.",
"meanwhile she takes all of it in the face. i'm",
"sitting over her body, seeing that the pillows",
"were soaked, her hair drenched in god knows what,",
"staring at each other with no idea what to say..",
"\"i'm gonna go rinse off\"..."
] |
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met last year in a shared class and this was the time with us). we rushed down the last of our
|
1 | 2 | 1 | 1 |
okay, so this happened about 15 minutes ago. i already hate public restrooms. i was out to a late lunch with my family, and i had to go to the bathroom. so i got up and got situated in the stall, and i slid the lock in place. (it was one of those slider locks that move less than an eight of an inch to lock.) so, business is going along when someone starts to open the door. keep in mind, the door was locked, but the lock was no good. in a quick flash, i had to hurry and slam the door shut. at this point i'm kind of freaking out, because my worst fear in a public restroom has just came true. the only other stall in the bathroom was occupied as well, so moving wasn't an option. me, being on the edge of my seat (pun intended), i try to finish as quick as possible. nearly done, someone starts to open the door again. keep in mind i re-locked it the last time too. the lock was just no good. after i was done, i looked at the lock, there was no hole for the pin to slide into. it was literally a flat surface that had no depth. the people who opened the door were probably just as embarrassed as i am, and i don't care if it was just this one location, i will try to avoid public restrooms for as long as i live.
|
bathroom stall had faulty lock, door was nearly opened twice
|
using a public restroom
|
[
"okay, so this happened about 15 minutes ago. i",
"already hate public restrooms. i was out to a",
"late lunch with my family, and i had to go to the",
"bathroom. so i got up and got situated in the",
"stall, and i slid the lock in place. (it was one",
"of those slider locks that move less than an",
"eight of an inch to lock.) so, business is going",
"along when someone starts to open the door. keep",
"in mind, the door was locked, but the lock was no",
"good. in a quick flash, i had to hurry and slam",
"the door shut. at this point i'm kind of freaking",
"out, because my worst fear in a public restroom",
"has just came true. the only other stall in the",
"bathroom was occupied as well, so moving wasn't",
"an option. me, being on the edge of my seat (pun",
"intended), i try to finish as quick as possible.",
"nearly done, someone starts to open the door",
"again. keep in mind i re-locked it the last time",
"too. the lock was just no good. after i was done,",
"i looked at the lock, there was no hole for the",
"pin to slide into. it was literally a flat",
"surface that had no depth. the people who opened",
"the door were probably just as embarrassed as i",
"am, and i don't care if it was just this one",
"location, i will try to avoid public restrooms",
"for as long as i live."
] |
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in mind, the door was locked, but the lock was no surface that had no depth. the people who opened
|
10 | 2 | 0.86 | 10 |
i've been a long time lurker and figured i could share my fun life events that i laugh and cringe at, at the same time.
so this incident happened today but i feel intrigued to have a back story.
i moved into a friends from works apartment to split rent, well we're pretty good buddies. he introduced me to a friend of his that he knew in high school. well we hit it off pretty well and we've been talking for about a month or so. well she came over to stay for the weekend when my roomate was out of town. had a great time, went to dinner where i had a few drinks. well continuing on with the night, i have several more. we have a great night and proceed to have happy time. we both fall asleep after going at it for a while happy and content. woke up and immediately the first thing that comes to mind is the scene from blue mountian state where he wakes up with the older lady and "is that pee? oh god, that's pee. fuck fuck." yep i did it. i've never had that happen before but of course it's the only night in a bit that i was with someone. she hasn't really talked much today, pretty confident i ruined it there.
|
asserted dominance over my new lady friend
|
not being able to control myself
|
[
"i've been a long time lurker and figured i could",
"share my fun life events that i laugh and cringe",
"at, at the same time.",
"so this incident happened today but i feel",
"intrigued to have a back story.",
"i moved into a friends from works apartment to",
"split rent, well we're pretty good buddies. he",
"introduced me to a friend of his that he knew in",
"high school. well we hit it off pretty well and",
"we've been talking for about a month or so. well",
"she came over to stay for the weekend when my",
"roomate was out of town. had a great time, went",
"to dinner where i had a few drinks. well",
"continuing on with the night, i have several",
"more. we have a great night and proceed to have",
"happy time. we both fall asleep after going at it",
"for a while happy and content. woke up and",
"immediately the first thing that comes to mind is",
"the scene from blue mountian state where he wakes",
"up with the older lady and \"is that pee? oh god,",
"that's pee. fuck fuck.\" yep i did it. i've never",
"had that happen before but of course it's the",
"only night in a bit that i was with someone. she",
"hasn't really talked much today, pretty confident",
"i ruined it there."
] |
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she came over to stay for the weekend when my
|
5 | 3 | 0.73 | 5 |
my old phone (an iphone 5) had been through a lot and was finally reaching its last legs. it had spiderweb cracks on most of the face and the battery only lasted about 3 hours. i planned on treating myself to a new phone, but it was only after i dropped my 5 in the tub that i decided to pull the trigger. the coolest changes for me were the "3d touch" and the fingerprint reader, and i wasted no time setting those up.
later that night, i decided to take the new phone for a test drive. alone with my purchase, i loaded up some choice pornography and enjoyed a quiet evening at home. i then, tired from my long day, fell asleep.
the next morning, i woke up and went to class like normal. as with any good fuck up, i had a group project in that class with a girl that i liked. this girl, two others, and i were working on this project when one of them asks for the time. eager to show off my new phone, i take mine out, set it on the table, and unsleep my phone by tapping the home button. however, once i touched the home button, the fingerprint reader unlocked my phone, revealing a veritable collage of naked women. i sat there, lost for words as my teammates silently stared down at the table. the silence was eventually broken by the girl i like saying "thanks." as she slid the phone back to me.
|
cock blocked by an unlock
|
getting an iphone 6s.
|
[
"my old phone (an iphone 5) had been through a lot",
"and was finally reaching its last legs. it had",
"spiderweb cracks on most of the face and the",
"battery only lasted about 3 hours. i planned on",
"treating myself to a new phone, but it was only",
"after i dropped my 5 in the tub that i decided to",
"pull the trigger. the coolest changes for me were",
"the \"3d touch\" and the fingerprint reader, and i",
"wasted no time setting those up.",
"later that night, i decided to take the new phone",
"for a test drive. alone with my purchase, i",
"loaded up some choice pornography and enjoyed a",
"quiet evening at home. i then, tired from my long",
"day, fell asleep.",
"the next morning, i woke up and went to class",
"like normal. as with any good fuck up, i had a",
"group project in that class with a girl that i",
"liked. this girl, two others, and i were working",
"on this project when one of them asks for the",
"time. eager to show off my new phone, i take mine",
"out, set it on the table, and unsleep my phone by",
"tapping the home button. however, once i touched",
"the home button, the fingerprint reader unlocked",
"my phone, revealing a veritable collage of naked",
"women. i sat there, lost for words as my",
"teammates silently stared down at the table. the",
"silence was eventually broken by the girl i like",
"saying \"thanks.\" as she slid the phone back to",
"me."
] |
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silence was eventually broken by the girl i like
|
2 | 2 | 0.67 | 2 |
this started maybe 2 months ago, when i met a girl online. gonna call her jordan (yes, that is a unisex name). she had just turned 17 and lived a few states away, near illinois. i had known some of her friends before meeting her, and they were cool so why wouldn't she be cool as well?
well, we hung out, got to know each other a bit. something that stood out immediately to me was how much she loved to talk. like, a lot. always messaged me, it was a bit off-putting actually. it got a bit excessive, so i blew her off for a few weeks.
one night i said, fuck it, why not message her again? big mistake. we got a bit too cozy with each other, which was mostly my fault. i didn't really like her that much but it had been a lonely few months, so i was willing to try. a friend hooked us up, which was a bit sad, but hey, whatever.
fast forward about a week into the relationship. of course, she's obsessive, always wants to talk, etc. it got way too suffocating but i kept dealing with it. fast forward a week again, i was getting sick of it. trying to think of ways to break it off, talking to other friends, really stressing out. i felt bad about it because she was insanely loving and kind, but just wasn't my type. i tried to keep positive thoughts about her so the break-up would be at least a little smooth.
well, yesterday, i finally went through with it. however, i was extremely pissed. she had been messaging me all day, and i clearly told her i needed to take a break. i guess she started bitching about me to our mutual friends, so they messaged me asking what was up.
anyway, back to my message. basically told her she was too much, she needed to back off, and i rushed into dating her. probably in the rudest way possible, but oh well. i told her to stop messaging me, but that continued, so i blocked her.
i hoped that would end it but nope; instead she texts me, tells all our friends about it, tries to message me through them. it was hectic and lasted a good 4 hours. the only reason it ended was because i finally just gave up and went to bed.
today, she is still trying to message me. she's going between insults and apologies, and i've told her at least 30 times to just leave me alone, that i don't care anymore. i won't expect this to end any time soon honestly. damn did i fuck up.
|
rushed into a relationship with an obsessive girl, broke up with her, still have to deal with her after almost 24 hours
|
attempted e-dating
|
[
"this started maybe 2 months ago, when i met a girl",
"online. gonna call her jordan (yes, that is a",
"unisex name). she had just turned 17 and lived a",
"few states away, near illinois. i had known some",
"of her friends before meeting her, and they were",
"cool so why wouldn't she be cool as well?",
"well, we hung out, got to know each other a bit.",
"something that stood out immediately to me was",
"how much she loved to talk. like, a lot. always",
"messaged me, it was a bit off-putting actually.",
"it got a bit excessive, so i blew her off for a",
"few weeks.",
"one night i said, fuck it, why not message her",
"again? big mistake. we got a bit too cozy with",
"each other, which was mostly my fault. i didn't",
"really like her that much but it had been a",
"lonely few months, so i was willing to try. a",
"friend hooked us up, which was a bit sad, but",
"hey, whatever.",
"fast forward about a week into the relationship.",
"of course, she's obsessive, always wants to talk,",
"etc. it got way too suffocating but i kept",
"dealing with it. fast forward a week again, i was",
"getting sick of it. trying to think of ways to",
"break it off, talking to other friends, really",
"stressing out. i felt bad about it because she",
"was insanely loving and kind, but just wasn't my",
"type. i tried to keep positive thoughts about her",
"so the break-up would be at least a little",
"smooth.",
"well, yesterday, i finally went through with it.",
"however, i was extremely pissed. she had been",
"messaging me all day, and i clearly told her i",
"needed to take a break. i guess she started",
"bitching about me to our mutual friends, so they",
"messaged me asking what was up.",
"anyway, back to my message. basically told her",
"she was too much, she needed to back off, and i",
"rushed into dating her. probably in the rudest",
"way possible, but oh well. i told her to stop",
"messaging me, but that continued, so i blocked",
"her.",
"i hoped that would end it but nope; instead she",
"texts me, tells all our friends about it, tries",
"to message me through them. it was hectic and",
"lasted a good 4 hours. the only reason it ended",
"was because i finally just gave up and went to",
"bed.",
"today, she is still trying to message me. she's",
"going between insults and apologies, and i've",
"told her at least 30 times to just leave me",
"alone, that i don't care anymore. i won't expect",
"this to end any time soon honestly. damn did i",
"fuck up."
] |
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fast forward about a week into the relationship. rushed into dating her. probably in the rudest fuck up.
|
13 | 7 | 0.85 | 13 |
okay so this actually happened last night, but still in the last 24 hours. although i wish it wasn't, this story is 100% real.
so i attended my boyfriend's boss's jewish wedding last night. it had an open bar, lots of dancing - pretty much a good time was had by all. at one point my boyfriend left me alone, so i did what anyone else would do surrounded by a bunch of people they don't know: hop on reddit. i read the article on the philosophy of killing baby hitler, which talks a little about how depriving the nazi party of such a charismatic leader could have been enough to nip wwii in the bud. my boyfriend returns and i get up to dance, still pondering hitler's infamous charisma.
let me mention here that the company my so works for is all russian guys, save him and this other guy, who we'll call phil, because that's his name. now phil doesn't really fit in with everyone else (as a young, tattooed, black kid he stands out in a room full of russian jews) but is literally one of the most charming people i've ever met. he's dancing with grandma, playing with the kids, flirting with the ladies and everyone's eating it up. he's just one of those "it-factor" people; everyone loves phil.
anyways, we get done dancing the hora (i think that's what the chair dance is called?) and my boyfriend asks if i want to go down to the hotel's lobby and smoke a cigarette. we're both laughing about how enthusiastic phil was during the chair dance as we approach the elevator. we stand there with a group of older guests waiting for the elevator, talking about phil when i say, "phil is so charismatic... like he has a hitler level of charisma." it was like fucking slow motion as i turn to see all these old jewish people just staring at me in disbelief. my boyfriend mouths *what the fuck* and i decide there's no way in hell i'm going to ride the elevator 15 floors with these people. i turn around and book it as fast as my stilettos would take me to the bathroom and hid.
|
went to a wedding. reddit made me think about hitler. compared someone to hitler positively in front of a bunch of old jewish people.
|
comparing someone to hitler at a jewish wedding.
|
[
"okay so this actually happened last night, but",
"still in the last 24 hours. although i wish it",
"wasn't, this story is 100% real.",
"so i attended my boyfriend's boss's jewish",
"wedding last night. it had an open bar, lots of",
"dancing - pretty much a good time was had by all.",
"at one point my boyfriend left me alone, so i did",
"what anyone else would do surrounded by a bunch",
"of people they don't know: hop on reddit. i read",
"the article on the philosophy of killing baby",
"hitler, which talks a little about how depriving",
"the nazi party of such a charismatic leader could",
"have been enough to nip wwii in the bud. my",
"boyfriend returns and i get up to dance, still",
"pondering hitler's infamous charisma.",
"let me mention here that the company my so works",
"for is all russian guys, save him and this other",
"guy, who we'll call phil, because that's his",
"name. now phil doesn't really fit in with",
"everyone else (as a young, tattooed, black kid he",
"stands out in a room full of russian jews) but is",
"literally one of the most charming people i've",
"ever met. he's dancing with grandma, playing with",
"the kids, flirting with the ladies and everyone's",
"eating it up. he's just one of those \"it-factor\"",
"people; everyone loves phil.",
"anyways, we get done dancing the hora (i think",
"that's what the chair dance is called?) and my",
"boyfriend asks if i want to go down to the",
"hotel's lobby and smoke a cigarette. we're both",
"laughing about how enthusiastic phil was during",
"the chair dance as we approach the elevator. we",
"stand there with a group of older guests waiting",
"for the elevator, talking about phil when i say,",
"\"phil is so charismatic... like he has a hitler",
"level of charisma.\" it was like fucking slow",
"motion as i turn to see all these old jewish",
"people just staring at me in disbelief. my",
"boyfriend mouths *what the fuck* and i decide",
"there's no way in hell i'm going to ride the",
"elevator 15 floors with these people. i turn",
"around and book it as fast as my stilettos would",
"take me to the bathroom and hid."
] |
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hitler, which talks a little about how depriving motion as i turn to see all these old jewish people just staring at me in disbelief. my
|
9 | 8 | 0.85 | 9 |
this happened earlier today.
i just got into work after a heavy night of drinking feeling a bit under the weather i decided to take a wee seat on the toilet. i just unlocked my phone when i heard the changing room door open, thinking it was just another work mate i continued my alone time. i just got a snapchat from one of my friends so i go to reply completely forget my phone is on loud, so the camera sound goes off, thinking nothing of it at first i leave the toilet as i left the toilet i saw my manager standing staring at me with a worrying concern. then i realise my manager certainly has no idea what snapchat is as he's in his late 40's and he probably just thought i took a picture of either a shit or my dick.
|
went to the toilet took a snapchat and now my boss thinks i am a creep.
|
sending a snapchat in the toliet
|
[
"this happened earlier today.",
"i just got into work after a heavy night of",
"drinking feeling a bit under the weather i",
"decided to take a wee seat on the toilet. i just",
"unlocked my phone when i heard the changing room",
"door open, thinking it was just another work mate",
"i continued my alone time. i just got a snapchat",
"from one of my friends so i go to reply",
"completely forget my phone is on loud, so the",
"camera sound goes off, thinking nothing of it at",
"first i leave the toilet as i left the toilet i",
"saw my manager standing staring at me with a",
"worrying concern. then i realise my manager",
"certainly has no idea what snapchat is as he's in",
"his late 40's and he probably just thought i took",
"a picture of either a shit or my dick."
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decided to take a wee seat on the toilet. i just i continued my alone time. i just got a snapchat
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9 | 5 | 0.92 | 9 |
so this happened the other day actually, but friday was my birthday (dancing queen, young and sweet, only 17), and i planned on having a pretty cool birthday party on saturday. pizza, cake, video games, the works. the thing is, most of my friends graduated last june, so i dont have much for friends, except my youth group that i attend after school. so me being the lonely little shit that i am, invite my youth group friends, about 10-13 16 and 17 year olds, a good party. except, as i was handing out invitations, a few kids said they had to work that weekend, but "they'd try to make it." another thing to mention is that these kids all live in town, and i live out in the country, and its about a half hour drive. i drive it twice a day 4 times a week, shouldnt be a problem for these guys. anyways, as the week before my birthday went on, i was getting increasingly nervous, and anxious, and scared, because what if they dont want to come? what if they cant come? what if no one shows up? so finally wednesday rolls around, after youth group, driving a girl to her house afterwards. i casually ask if her and her brother, another invitee, will be showing up friday night, and she says maybe. her and her friend that drives her everywhere were "fighting" at the time, so she didnt know if she could get a ride. i say okay, say i'd talk to her tomorrow, drive away and lose. my. shit. i'm driving, i'm bawling my eyes out, i'm yelling at myself and hitting myself and asking myself why i'm so dumb and why i would even consider having a party when i'm stupid and gross and nobody likes me anyways. i get home, snapchat everyone "partys cancelled", get drunk, ask god why i'm such a fuckup, and cry myself to sleep. skip school on thursday, lay in bed all day crying and feeling like crap, mother is kind and makes a good supper as an "early birthday supper" because i felt bad and we had to work the next day. worked friday, was better, still upset about me being stupid, everyone texting me "happy birthday" and facebook posts whatever. saturday, do fuck all, clock strikes 6 pm, sad because i dont have a party, so parents take me out for supper. nice. while we're at supper, my stomach starts hurting. come home, go to the bathroom. a fucking slaughterhouse has opened up shop in my panties jesus christ. i look in the mirror and just say "oh."
|
thought all my friends hated me, have a mental breakdown and cancel my birthday party, turns out was pms and i'm very emotional
|
having a mental breakdown and cancelling my birthday party
|
[
"so this happened the other day actually, but",
"friday was my birthday (dancing queen, young and",
"sweet, only 17), and i planned on having a pretty",
"cool birthday party on saturday. pizza, cake,",
"video games, the works. the thing is, most of my",
"friends graduated last june, so i dont have much",
"for friends, except my youth group that i attend",
"after school. so me being the lonely little shit",
"that i am, invite my youth group friends, about",
"10-13 16 and 17 year olds, a good party. except,",
"as i was handing out invitations, a few kids said",
"they had to work that weekend, but \"they'd try to",
"make it.\" another thing to mention is that these",
"kids all live in town, and i live out in the",
"country, and its about a half hour drive. i",
"drive it twice a day 4 times a week, shouldnt be",
"a problem for these guys. anyways, as the week",
"before my birthday went on, i was getting",
"increasingly nervous, and anxious, and scared,",
"because what if they dont want to come? what if",
"they cant come? what if no one shows up? so",
"finally wednesday rolls around, after youth",
"group, driving a girl to her house afterwards. i",
"casually ask if her and her brother, another",
"invitee, will be showing up friday night, and she",
"says maybe. her and her friend that drives her",
"everywhere were \"fighting\" at the time, so she",
"didnt know if she could get a ride. i say okay,",
"say i'd talk to her tomorrow, drive away and",
"lose. my. shit. i'm driving, i'm bawling my eyes",
"out, i'm yelling at myself and hitting myself and",
"asking myself why i'm so dumb and why i would",
"even consider having a party when i'm stupid and",
"gross and nobody likes me anyways. i get home,",
"snapchat everyone \"partys cancelled\", get drunk,",
"ask god why i'm such a fuckup, and cry myself to",
"sleep. skip school on thursday, lay in bed all",
"day crying and feeling like crap, mother is kind",
"and makes a good supper as an \"early birthday",
"supper\" because i felt bad and we had to work the",
"next day. worked friday, was better, still upset",
"about me being stupid, everyone texting me \"happy",
"birthday\" and facebook posts whatever. saturday,",
"do fuck all, clock strikes 6 pm, sad because i",
"dont have a party, so parents take me out for",
"supper. nice. while we're at supper, my stomach",
"starts hurting. come home, go to the bathroom. a",
"fucking slaughterhouse has opened up shop in my",
"panties jesus christ. i look in the mirror and",
"just say \"oh.\""
] |
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friday was my birthday (dancing queen, young and dont have a party, so parents take me out for
|
5 | 8 | 0.72 | 5 |
this was a long time ago, like when i was 8-9 yrs old or something.
our family went to the mall to do some shopping and i kept bugging them about wanting to go to a bookstore. eventually they gave up and we all went to the bookstore, since i was an annoying little prick back then.
of course, since they didn't want to stay there for very long, they kept on rushing me to just do whatever the hell i wanted to do and leave so they can continue shopping for clothes or whatever.
this is when i fucked up.
i somehow ended up at the calendar section of the bookstore (don't know why they have those) and i saw a spongebob calendar on the shelf. i took a good look at it, picked it up and stuff. at this point they are ripping their hair out wanting me to finish what i'm doing. so, i put it back on the shelf.
or i thought i did.
our family left the store, and out of nowhere i realized "what the hell? i'm still holding something?" and of course, i look down, and it's the calendar that i thought i put back on that damned shelf.
of course i only realized this when we were literally on the other side of the mall. i was thinking whether i should just keep it or return it back.
i thought fuck it, i'm not getting arrested for this shit, and i bolted the opposite direction towards the bookstore. my family thinking i was fucking out of my mind, and chased after me.
long story short, i put it back, and my family was pretty pissed at me after that ordeal. i, obviosly, didn't give a shit.
|
spongebob has amazing calendars.
|
nearly stealing a spongebob calendar from a book store
|
[
"this was a long time ago, like when i was 8-9 yrs",
"old or something.",
"our family went to the mall to do some shopping",
"and i kept bugging them about wanting to go to a",
"bookstore. eventually they gave up and we all",
"went to the bookstore, since i was an annoying",
"little prick back then.",
"of course, since they didn't want to stay there",
"for very long, they kept on rushing me to just do",
"whatever the hell i wanted to do and leave so",
"they can continue shopping for clothes or",
"whatever.",
"this is when i fucked up.",
"i somehow ended up at the calendar section of the",
"bookstore (don't know why they have those) and i",
"saw a spongebob calendar on the shelf. i took a",
"good look at it, picked it up and stuff. at this",
"point they are ripping their hair out wanting me",
"to finish what i'm doing. so, i put it back on",
"the shelf.",
"or i thought i did.",
"our family left the store, and out of nowhere i",
"realized \"what the hell? i'm still holding",
"something?\" and of course, i look down, and it's",
"the calendar that i thought i put back on that",
"damned shelf.",
"of course i only realized this when we were",
"literally on the other side of the mall. i was",
"thinking whether i should just keep it or return",
"it back.",
"i thought fuck it, i'm not getting arrested for",
"this shit, and i bolted the opposite direction",
"towards the bookstore. my family thinking i was",
"fucking out of my mind, and chased after me.",
"long story short, i put it back, and my family",
"was pretty pissed at me after that ordeal. i,",
"obviosly, didn't give a shit."
] |
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saw a spongebob calendar on the shelf. i took a
|
2 | 5 | 0.67 | 2 |
we've all had one of those nights. a night where things have gotten completely out of hand. tonight was a night like that.
there had been a lot of alcohol, and at one point, i've had enough, and want to go home. can't find my bike, so i started walking. i get home, and my key won't fit. that's odd. try a couple times more, still no joy.
then i did what everyone else would have done: i started banging on my door and ringing the bell to wake my housemate. i'm ringing and ringing and banging and banging, and still nothing. i remember feeling really weird when there was only one bell -- our house has two. who would steal or destroy a door bell!?
i must have been banging on that door for 10 minutes. it dawned on me that calling my housemate would be a lot faster. so, i did, and he picked up almost instantly.
"... wrong door asshole"
i moved two doors over and got in. easy
|
got drunk, banged something, but wasnt mine to bang
|
spooking my elderly neighbours
|
[
"we've all had one of those nights. a night where",
"things have gotten completely out of hand.",
"tonight was a night like that.",
"there had been a lot of alcohol, and at one",
"point, i've had enough, and want to go home.",
"can't find my bike, so i started walking. i get",
"home, and my key won't fit. that's odd. try a",
"couple times more, still no joy.",
"then i did what everyone else would have done: i",
"started banging on my door and ringing the bell",
"to wake my housemate. i'm ringing and ringing and",
"banging and banging, and still nothing. i",
"remember feeling really weird when there was only",
"one bell -- our house has two. who would steal or",
"destroy a door bell!?",
"i must have been banging on that door for 10",
"minutes. it dawned on me that calling my",
"housemate would be a lot faster. so, i did, and",
"he picked up almost instantly.",
"\"... wrong door asshole\"",
"i moved two doors over and got in. easy"
] |
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to wake my housemate. i'm ringing and ringing and i moved two doors over and got in. easy
|
56 | 29 | 0.86 | 56 |
obligatory not today, but this week disclaimer.
so about 4 months ago one of our familys cats, let's call her fluffball, just up and left and didn't come back. at first we weren't too worried because she would often not come home for days at a time, sometimes over a week, but after about two weeks it started to sink in that this time was different.
that is, for me at least. my mum on the other hand, is a bit new-age, so she took the occasion to go have a chat with her animal communicator (*le sigh*) who got it into her head that fluffball is still out there somewhere and can't find her way back home, so we should always keep a lit candle on our front porch as a beacon to guide her.
last week my parents went on a short vacation so obviously i was put on beacon duty, which i did, however at some point i decided it would be funny to draw a pentagram on a piece of paper, write the words "fluffball please come back home" across the 5 arms of the star, place a candle in each corner and light it. i then left that out for my parents to see when they get back home. not my brightest idea ever, to say the least.
when they did get back home, my mum promtply freaked the fuck out and started noticing things being off about our other cat, sir fuzzytickles. like meowing, which he doesn't normally do a lot (except when he's excited because his peeps just got back home) but fluffball did very much. or he would lie down in fluffballs favorite spot.
the next day, she made another appointment with her ~~psychic~~ fraud, and brought in sir fuzzytickles for her to see. this genius then figured that he was being possessed by the spirit of fluffball, and was in a lot of pain. because apparently if your job is making shit the fuck up, you might as well make it a little exciting every once in a while. but no worries, of course this great shaman of space and time is equipped with the know-how to perform a ritual that will reverse the possession, for a meager sum which my mum was too embarassed to even tell me.
edit: some spellings and grammars
**update:** alright so this shit went down this afternoon, i went along and it was pretty much hilarious. this nutcase of a psychic told me that the "ritual" i performed invited fluffballs spirit to possess sir fuzzytickles body (because it was the only suitable body in our house), the only reason she is able to save him is because i didn't complete it properly. apparently, i was supposed to light the paper on fire after the candles burnt out.
we had a bit of a chat and she found it very amusing that i believe her line of work to be entirely fraudulent. i asked her about what her specific belief system was and it appears she doesn't follow any one tradition to the letter, but rather compiled her own set of beliefs by picking and choosing from various cultures. going by the decor of her place, i'd say she's most heavily inspired by south-american shamanism. i also asked her if she thinks our third cat (which we don't have) is ok, and she got irritated and tells me we only had two. occam's razor suggests she already knew that from previous talks with my mum.
then we got to the interesting part. she started by feeding sir fuzzytickles a bowl of a herbal mixture. i asked about it and she said it's made from catnip and valerian. then she lit some incense. i asked about that as well, which got her visibly annoyed. next she started doing these weird chants, it wasn't anything resembling a language but mostly just vowels. she asked my mum and me to join in, and we did as best we could, but could just barely contain my laughter at this point. eventually she caught on to that, told me i'm not helping and asked me to leave.
the whole thing took maybe 45 minutes. apparently fluffballs spirit is now resting in peace and sir fuzzytickles should be back to his old self. except when we got back home, he headed straight for fluffballs favorite spot and went for a nap. last i checked, my mum was still obsessing over it.
|
tomorrow my mum is gonna have an exorcism perfomed on our cat because i'm an immature dumbass.
|
accidentally reinforcing my mums superstitions
|
[
"obligatory not today, but this week disclaimer.",
"so about 4 months ago one of our familys cats,",
"let's call her fluffball, just up and left and",
"didn't come back. at first we weren't too worried",
"because she would often not come home for days at",
"a time, sometimes over a week, but after about",
"two weeks it started to sink in that this time",
"was different.",
"that is, for me at least. my mum on the other",
"hand, is a bit new-age, so she took the occasion",
"to go have a chat with her animal communicator",
"(*le sigh*) who got it into her head that",
"fluffball is still out there somewhere and can't",
"find her way back home, so we should always keep",
"a lit candle on our front porch as a beacon to",
"guide her.",
"last week my parents went on a short vacation so",
"obviously i was put on beacon duty, which i did,",
"however at some point i decided it would be funny",
"to draw a pentagram on a piece of paper, write",
"the words \"fluffball please come back home\"",
"across the 5 arms of the star, place a candle in",
"each corner and light it. i then left that out",
"for my parents to see when they get back home.",
"not my brightest idea ever, to say the least.",
"when they did get back home, my mum promtply",
"freaked the fuck out and started noticing things",
"being off about our other cat, sir fuzzytickles.",
"like meowing, which he doesn't normally do a lot",
"(except when he's excited because his peeps just",
"got back home) but fluffball did very much. or he",
"would lie down in fluffballs favorite spot.",
"the next day, she made another appointment with",
"her ~~psychic~~ fraud, and brought in sir",
"fuzzytickles for her to see. this genius then",
"figured that he was being possessed by the spirit",
"of fluffball, and was in a lot of pain. because",
"apparently if your job is making shit the fuck",
"up, you might as well make it a little exciting",
"every once in a while. but no worries, of course",
"this great shaman of space and time is equipped",
"with the know-how to perform a ritual that will",
"reverse the possession, for a meager sum which my",
"mum was too embarassed to even tell me.",
"edit: some spellings and grammars",
"**update:** alright so this shit went down this",
"afternoon, i went along and it was pretty much",
"hilarious. this nutcase of a psychic told me that",
"the \"ritual\" i performed invited fluffballs",
"spirit to possess sir fuzzytickles body (because",
"it was the only suitable body in our house), the",
"only reason she is able to save him is because i",
"didn't complete it properly. apparently, i was",
"supposed to light the paper on fire after the",
"candles burnt out.",
"we had a bit of a chat and she found it very",
"amusing that i believe her line of work to be",
"entirely fraudulent. i asked her about what her",
"specific belief system was and it appears she",
"doesn't follow any one tradition to the letter,",
"but rather compiled her own set of beliefs by",
"picking and choosing from various cultures. going",
"by the decor of her place, i'd say she's most",
"heavily inspired by south-american shamanism. i",
"also asked her if she thinks our third cat (which",
"we don't have) is ok, and she got irritated and",
"tells me we only had two. occam's razor suggests",
"she already knew that from previous talks with my",
"mum.",
"then we got to the interesting part. she started",
"by feeding sir fuzzytickles a bowl of a herbal",
"mixture. i asked about it and she said it's made",
"from catnip and valerian. then she lit some",
"incense. i asked about that as well, which got",
"her visibly annoyed. next she started doing these",
"weird chants, it wasn't anything resembling a",
"language but mostly just vowels. she asked my mum",
"and me to join in, and we did as best we could,",
"but could just barely contain my laughter at this",
"point. eventually she caught on to that, told me",
"i'm not helping and asked me to leave.",
"the whole thing took maybe 45 minutes. apparently",
"fluffballs spirit is now resting in peace and sir",
"fuzzytickles should be back to his old self.",
"except when we got back home, he headed straight",
"for fluffballs favorite spot and went for a nap.",
"last i checked, my mum was still obsessing over",
"it."
] |
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that is, for me at least. my mum on the other being off about our other cat, sir fuzzytickles.
|
4 | 5 | 0.53 | 4 |
i decided i wanted to make grilled cheese for a snack, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted one too. of course she said yes, i mean it's grilled cheese! i set myself to making the delicious, melted goodnes, and put my girlfriends grilled cheese on the stove first, two beautiful golden brown sides with perfect meltyness, then cut diagonally (the best way).
i start mine, and set to trying to get an obnoxious stain off the counter. that's when it happened. i hadn't properly accounted for the fact that the pan was now hot, and my grilled cheese was burned. we only had enough materials for 2 grilled cheese sandwiches :(. tifu
|
first made a grilled cheese for my gf, then one for myself, i burned mine.
|
making my girlfriend's grilled cheese first
|
[
"i decided i wanted to make grilled cheese for a",
"snack, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted one",
"too. of course she said yes, i mean it's grilled",
"cheese! i set myself to making the delicious,",
"melted goodnes, and put my girlfriends grilled",
"cheese on the stove first, two beautiful golden",
"brown sides with perfect meltyness, then cut",
"diagonally (the best way).",
"i start mine, and set to trying to get an",
"obnoxious stain off the counter. that's when it",
"happened. i hadn't properly accounted for the",
"fact that the pan was now hot, and my grilled",
"cheese was burned. we only had enough materials",
"for 2 grilled cheese sandwiches :(. tifu"
] |
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i decided i wanted to make grilled cheese for a
|
1 | 2 | 0.67 | 1 |
happened two days ago. figured i share. i rarely ever go out to have a drink, so i figured this past friday would be the day i drink with friends, meet with my girlfriend, and have a drunken shag. seemed reasonable. so after a night at an art exhibit with my friend i took a walk to a near by bar my girlfriend was at with her friends. her friend was a bartender their so there was no entrance fee and the drinks were on the house. those incentives fueled a lack of inhibition and in less then an hour i was down four cups of liquor. bad idea. so, i admit i'm a bit over protective of my girlfriend. in between drinks a barback in the bar had pulled my girlfriend to the side and had invited her to go to the "back" with him. my girlfriend declined and told him she was with me. she didn't think much of it and kept partying on. when the bar was closing and we were waiting on an uber she had told me what happened and drunken me lost my shit. it wasn't merely the fact that some guy had tried to pull a move on my girlfriend, what had me on edge was that this guy who was sober was trying to take advantage of my girlfriend's intoxication. so i did what any drunk would do. i tried to walk back in to knock this guy's teeth in. my girlfriend wanted to avoid the trouble and urged the bouncers not to let me in. now, it's after all of this where i black out and wake up the following morning facedown in my bed. i had no idea how i got home. i called my girlfriend and she gave the rundown on the events that took place. apparently after i was denied entry by the bouncers i started taking out my frustration on my girlfriend which is something i am not proud of. it wasn't her fault. but i wasn't all there. on our uber ride home we got into an argument and mid ride i told the uber to pull over and walked away. my girlfriend tried following me and managed to get lost. we live in two different cities so she doesn't know her way around. as she tried looking for me she tripped and fell, cut her knee and experienced an asthma attack. she called her friends and they managed to find her and looked after her. during this entire incident i was nowhere to be found. where was i you ask? well according to my uber reciepts i had taken a second uber home. i also blocked my girlfriend on my phone, texted her an illegible angry letter and took a piss on my mom's couch. fortunately she's okay and find the whole circumstance hilarious. she also says i lost out on a night of freaky sex. i hate myself. oh and my mother was none too pleased. it's fair to say i won't be getting invited out anytime soon.
|
blacked out and abandoned my girlfriend resulting in her getting lost in a foreign city where she cut her knee and experienced an asthma attack.
|
getting black out drunk and abandoning my girlfriend.
|
[
"happened two days ago. figured i share. i rarely",
"ever go out to have a drink, so i figured this",
"past friday would be the day i drink with",
"friends, meet with my girlfriend, and have a",
"drunken shag. seemed reasonable. so after a night",
"at an art exhibit with my friend i took a walk to",
"a near by bar my girlfriend was at with her",
"friends. her friend was a bartender their so",
"there was no entrance fee and the drinks were on",
"the house. those incentives fueled a lack of",
"inhibition and in less then an hour i was down",
"four cups of liquor. bad idea. so, i admit i'm a",
"bit over protective of my girlfriend. in between",
"drinks a barback in the bar had pulled my",
"girlfriend to the side and had invited her to go",
"to the \"back\" with him. my girlfriend declined",
"and told him she was with me. she didn't think",
"much of it and kept partying on. when the bar was",
"closing and we were waiting on an uber she had",
"told me what happened and drunken me lost my",
"shit. it wasn't merely the fact that some guy had",
"tried to pull a move on my girlfriend, what had",
"me on edge was that this guy who was sober was",
"trying to take advantage of my girlfriend's",
"intoxication. so i did what any drunk would do. i",
"tried to walk back in to knock this guy's teeth",
"in. my girlfriend wanted to avoid the trouble and",
"urged the bouncers not to let me in. now, it's",
"after all of this where i black out and wake up",
"the following morning facedown in my bed. i had",
"no idea how i got home. i called my girlfriend",
"and she gave the rundown on the events that took",
"place. apparently after i was denied entry by the",
"bouncers i started taking out my frustration on",
"my girlfriend which is something i am not proud",
"of. it wasn't her fault. but i wasn't all there.",
"on our uber ride home we got into an argument and",
"mid ride i told the uber to pull over and walked",
"away. my girlfriend tried following me and",
"managed to get lost. we live in two different",
"cities so she doesn't know her way around. as she",
"tried looking for me she tripped and fell, cut",
"her knee and experienced an asthma attack. she",
"called her friends and they managed to find her",
"and looked after her. during this entire incident",
"i was nowhere to be found. where was i you ask?",
"well according to my uber reciepts i had taken a",
"second uber home. i also blocked my girlfriend on",
"my phone, texted her an illegible angry letter",
"and took a piss on my mom's couch. fortunately",
"she's okay and find the whole circumstance",
"hilarious. she also says i lost out on a night of",
"freaky sex. i hate myself. oh and my mother was",
"none too pleased. it's fair to say i won't be",
"getting invited out anytime soon."
] |
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friends, meet with my girlfriend, and have a her knee and experienced an asthma attack. she
|
7 | 4 | 0.89 | 7 |
this didn't actually happen today but when i just began my freshman year of college. so it's a normal tuesday morning and i am in a german literature class that is pretty boring (my teacher is foreign and barely speaks english so it's easy to lose attention) so i thought it would be a good time to check my grades. i noticed that i was failing one of my business classes because my clicker (a little device to check in/out to class and answer lecture questions) was getting no points. i remember him saying that if we ever needed to contact them to email them and the ta's and whoever is supposed to answer will reply. well they had a very confusing website that they ran off of instead of the school and it wasn't completely user friendly yet. i found the part in the website that said contact us. the default selection is "all users" thinking it meant all course administrators i didn't change it. i write my email all professional and appropriate saying: "dear professor ___________ or whomever it may concern: my name is ilovetrent and i am in x class" and went into details of how i was failing and what i could do to get my grade up. ended the letter with my full name, class section, and student id. i then proofread it and pressed send. a few minutes later i got lost again and decided to check my university email. i saw i had one from myself in my inbox. i thought that was weird and opened it. it was the exact email i sent myself. my stomach dropped like lead at my realization. the next thing i did was turn to my friend who also had the class and told him to open his email right now. sure enough it was there. i checked my sent messages: 2,562 recently sent emails. i sent it to 2,562 students instead of my professor. i am now the laughing stock of my class/grade because of it. my confidence has never recovered from it and actually have become borderline concerning antisocial.
|
accidentally emailed 2500 kids that i was failing my class instead of my professor/ta.
|
emailing over 2500 people that i was failing a class
|
[
"this didn't actually happen today but when i just",
"began my freshman year of college. so it's a",
"normal tuesday morning and i am in a german",
"literature class that is pretty boring (my",
"teacher is foreign and barely speaks english so",
"it's easy to lose attention) so i thought it",
"would be a good time to check my grades. i",
"noticed that i was failing one of my business",
"classes because my clicker (a little device to",
"check in/out to class and answer lecture",
"questions) was getting no points. i remember him",
"saying that if we ever needed to contact them to",
"email them and the ta's and whoever is supposed",
"to answer will reply. well they had a very",
"confusing website that they ran off of instead of",
"the school and it wasn't completely user friendly",
"yet. i found the part in the website that said",
"contact us. the default selection is \"all users\"",
"thinking it meant all course administrators i",
"didn't change it. i write my email all",
"professional and appropriate saying: \"dear",
"professor ___________ or whomever it may concern:",
"my name is ilovetrent and i am in x class\" and",
"went into details of how i was failing and what i",
"could do to get my grade up. ended the letter",
"with my full name, class section, and student id.",
"i then proofread it and pressed send. a few",
"minutes later i got lost again and decided to",
"check my university email. i saw i had one from",
"myself in my inbox. i thought that was weird and",
"opened it. it was the exact email i sent myself.",
"my stomach dropped like lead at my realization.",
"the next thing i did was turn to my friend who",
"also had the class and told him to open his email",
"right now. sure enough it was there. i checked my",
"sent messages: 2,562 recently sent emails. i sent",
"it to 2,562 students instead of my professor. i",
"am now the laughing stock of my class/grade",
"because of it. my confidence has never recovered",
"from it and actually have become borderline",
"concerning antisocial."
] |
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] |
noticed that i was failing one of my business
|
11 | 6 | 0.94 | 11 |
so this happened about 7 years ago sophomore year of highschool?
me and my friend are driving around with his two cousins because they want to smoke weed for the first time. i roll up a blount in the car and we look for a nice spot to park and walk around smoking. i lived in a pretty quiet and peaceful neighborhood so no problem just smoking in an alley at around 5pm. we park on a empty street and get out to smoke. smoke and have a good time, everyone coughing their lungs out and laughing.
heading back to the car we are spraying ourselves with cologne and eye drops for the ride home and a cop car showed up. then 2 more, then another two. the first cop gets out with his hand on his gun. a fucking helicopter starts circling. i'm freaking out hard. is smoking weed that bad? am i about to go to jail? time to keep a cool head and admit nothing. so the cops take us all separately, handcuffed in the cars asking us what we were doing there. obviously they could smell the weed but lucky for us we had smoked it all. i ask them is all this really necessary for some kids smoking in an alley and he explains that apparently the house we had parked in front of while we smoked had gotten broken into and robbed. they let us go on our way no problem but damn if it didn't leave me with one hell of a story to tell.
|
parked and smoked weed in front of a house that was broken into and ended up almost in jail.
|
smoking a blunt in the alley.
|
[
"so this happened about 7 years ago sophomore year",
"of highschool?",
"me and my friend are driving around with his two",
"cousins because they want to smoke weed for the",
"first time. i roll up a blount in the car and we",
"look for a nice spot to park and walk around",
"smoking. i lived in a pretty quiet and peaceful",
"neighborhood so no problem just smoking in an",
"alley at around 5pm. we park on a empty street",
"and get out to smoke. smoke and have a good time,",
"everyone coughing their lungs out and laughing.",
"heading back to the car we are spraying ourselves",
"with cologne and eye drops for the ride home and",
"a cop car showed up. then 2 more, then another",
"two. the first cop gets out with his hand on his",
"gun. a fucking helicopter starts circling. i'm",
"freaking out hard. is smoking weed that bad? am i",
"about to go to jail? time to keep a cool head and",
"admit nothing. so the cops take us all",
"separately, handcuffed in the cars asking us what",
"we were doing there. obviously they could smell",
"the weed but lucky for us we had smoked it all. i",
"ask them is all this really necessary for some",
"kids smoking in an alley and he explains that",
"apparently the house we had parked in front of",
"while we smoked had gotten broken into and",
"robbed. they let us go on our way no problem but",
"damn if it didn't leave me with one hell of a",
"story to tell."
] |
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apparently the house we had parked in front of while we smoked had gotten broken into and
|
7 | 5 | 0.8 | 7 |
this happened on friday. i went to my dom's house for some fun. usually, he gives me very clear instructions to follow, undress, get on your knees, etc. but that day, my own inner dom wanted to get out to play. so i ignored him and started teasing him, tickling him, etc. of course i knew i would be "punished" for my insolence and sure enough, after 30 seconds or so, he grabbed me around my neck, threw me on the bed, pulled my pants down just far enough to expose my ass, shoved his dick in and started hate-fucking me (it was awesome).
now, you've all read the title to this "tifu" so i'm sure you can all see where this is heading. my phone has recently picked up this habit of redialing my last call when i put it in my pants. in this case, it was my parents and it seems having my pants pulled down and being hate-fucked was enough to get it to redial them...of course i only found this out when i checked my messages on my way home and had one from mom. she's "not sure what stunt [i'm] trying to pull" but she's "incredibly disappointed and disgusted with [me] and not at all impressed". no idea if she's told dad or not...
|
accidentally pocket dialed parents while having really rough sex. parents heard me moaning like a little bitch. tonight's sunday dinner should be fun...
|
calling my parents during sex (nsfw).
|
[
"this happened on friday. i went to my dom's house",
"for some fun. usually, he gives me very clear",
"instructions to follow, undress, get on your",
"knees, etc. but that day, my own inner dom wanted",
"to get out to play. so i ignored him and started",
"teasing him, tickling him, etc. of course i knew",
"i would be \"punished\" for my insolence and sure",
"enough, after 30 seconds or so, he grabbed me",
"around my neck, threw me on the bed, pulled my",
"pants down just far enough to expose my ass,",
"shoved his dick in and started hate-fucking me",
"(it was awesome).",
"now, you've all read the title to this \"tifu\" so",
"i'm sure you can all see where this is heading.",
"my phone has recently picked up this habit of",
"redialing my last call when i put it in my pants.",
"in this case, it was my parents and it seems",
"having my pants pulled down and being hate-fucked",
"was enough to get it to redial them...of course i",
"only found this out when i checked my messages on",
"my way home and had one from mom. she's \"not sure",
"what stunt [i'm] trying to pull\" but she's",
"\"incredibly disappointed and disgusted with [me]",
"and not at all impressed\". no idea if she's told",
"dad or not..."
] |
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for some fun. usually, he gives me very clear i would be "punished" for my insolence and sure in this case, it was my parents and it seems having my pants pulled down and being hate-fucked
|
5 | 8 | 0.7 | 5 |
so i am in college and one of my really good friends up here is muslim. now she promised herself she would not drink alcohol ever. anyways it was her older sisters birthday party last night and 3 more of her friends. so a 4 person birthday party, at the house they had a huge dance floor in one room, and a cooler filled with gin and juice in the other. now she knows i drink but i promised her i wasent going to at this party. well i thought it was a good idea that if i just had one cup, i could just get a buzz and no one notice i was buzzed and i would be a better dancer. i'm kind of a heavyweight so it takes me a few to feel it. so i filled up my cup with this gin, and started sipping it, to get to the point i wanted to get to, and then put it down. well i had it on the dance floor and my muslim friend was dancing right in front of me. she told me how thirsty she was and asked what i was drinking. so i panicked and said it was orange juice because it technically was but with gin. anyways she takes my cup and downs the whole thing! i looked at her in shock and she looked at me in a puzzled look and asked what was that again. now i didn't want to tell her it was gin because she would of got really mad at me for breaking our promise so i just said orange juice again. anyways i continue to dance with her but i can tell that the later the night goes on, the more she can feel the affects. she ended up really feeling the beat of the music and danced like your drunk uncle at your relatives wedding. i felt really bad and haven't told her yet and don't know what to do.
|
4 person birthday party, promised i wouldnt drink, try to get buzzed, muslim friend chugs my cup. she got super drunk
|
getting a muslim girl drunk
|
[
"so i am in college and one of my really good",
"friends up here is muslim. now she promised",
"herself she would not drink alcohol ever. anyways",
"it was her older sisters birthday party last",
"night and 3 more of her friends. so a 4 person",
"birthday party, at the house they had a huge",
"dance floor in one room, and a cooler filled with",
"gin and juice in the other. now she knows i drink",
"but i promised her i wasent going to at this",
"party. well i thought it was a good idea that if",
"i just had one cup, i could just get a buzz and",
"no one notice i was buzzed and i would be a",
"better dancer. i'm kind of a heavyweight so it",
"takes me a few to feel it. so i filled up my cup",
"with this gin, and started sipping it, to get to",
"the point i wanted to get to, and then put it",
"down. well i had it on the dance floor and my",
"muslim friend was dancing right in front of me.",
"she told me how thirsty she was and asked what i",
"was drinking. so i panicked and said it was",
"orange juice because it technically was but with",
"gin. anyways she takes my cup and downs the whole",
"thing! i looked at her in shock and she looked at",
"me in a puzzled look and asked what was that",
"again. now i didn't want to tell her it was gin",
"because she would of got really mad at me for",
"breaking our promise so i just said orange juice",
"again. anyways i continue to dance with her but i",
"can tell that the later the night goes on, the",
"more she can feel the affects. she ended up",
"really feeling the beat of the music and danced",
"like your drunk uncle at your relatives wedding.",
"i felt really bad and haven't told her yet and",
"don't know what to do."
] |
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it was her older sisters birthday party last the point i wanted to get to, and then put it gin. anyways she takes my cup and downs the whole
|
34 | 15 | 0.87 | 34 |
no, this isn't some horror story of how i shared erotica with my teacher, sorry but it's far more tame. so in my physics class, we had a lab due ~2 weeks ago; my lab partner and i did the experiment, worked out the math, then went home to each do our own lab reports. i finish it and share the google doc with my teacher; everything is well and good until a few days later i get an email from him that read "marquisad98, i can't even grade this it is that incomplete. please finish and get it to me asap!" so i'm freaking out now - "what did i do wrong, i thought i had met all he requirements?? this looks complete!" he gave me a 4 (out of 100!!!) on it and brings my grade down to a 50. here's where the tifu come in; flash forward to this morning, i'm sitting at my desk going through my emails and i come across his from 2 weeks ago and i remember that i never fixed the report. i click on the google docs link in the email and as it opens up the report i realize just how fucking stupid i am; i had shared a half completed copy of the report. i had started on docs but moved to word to finish it because my wifi was acting up; the doc i shared with him was the google doc with half the data, no calculations, and no conclusion. needless to say i quickly emailed him explaining my situation with a link to the real report and i'm praying that he accepts it.
|
i shared a less than half completed report with a professor, got an irate email about it and a failing grade; took me two weeks to realize i submitted the wrong version of the paper. currently begging for forgiveness and trying to explain the situation so i don't fail this quarter**
|
not checking what document i shared with my teacher
|
[
"no, this isn't some horror story of how i shared",
"erotica with my teacher, sorry but it's far more",
"tame. so in my physics class, we had a lab due ~2",
"weeks ago; my lab partner and i did the",
"experiment, worked out the math, then went home",
"to each do our own lab reports. i finish it and",
"share the google doc with my teacher; everything",
"is well and good until a few days later i get an",
"email from him that read \"marquisad98, i can't",
"even grade this it is that incomplete. please",
"finish and get it to me asap!\" so i'm freaking",
"out now - \"what did i do wrong, i thought i had",
"met all he requirements?? this looks complete!\"",
"he gave me a 4 (out of 100!!!) on it and brings",
"my grade down to a 50. here's where the tifu come",
"in; flash forward to this morning, i'm sitting at",
"my desk going through my emails and i come across",
"his from 2 weeks ago and i remember that i never",
"fixed the report. i click on the google docs link",
"in the email and as it opens up the report i",
"realize just how fucking stupid i am; i had",
"shared a half completed copy of the report. i had",
"started on docs but moved to word to finish it",
"because my wifi was acting up; the doc i shared",
"with him was the google doc with half the data,",
"no calculations, and no conclusion. needless to",
"say i quickly emailed him explaining my situation",
"with a link to the real report and i'm praying",
"that he accepts it."
] |
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] |
even grade this it is that incomplete. please finish and get it to me asap!" so i'm freaking shared a half completed copy of the report. i had with a link to the real report and i'm praying
|
75 | 56 | 0.93 | 75 |
i saw the thread about cockblocking myself and decided to post this. it was a few months ago and i was at a girls house, both 17. she was cold so i have her sweater. time goes on and its getting late so i decide to ask for a ride home. she then takes off my sweater and gives it to me. she then asked whether i wanted her to take her shirt off. i then stupidly said "but that's not my shirt, only the sweater is mine." she then gives me an awkward ride home. it wasn't until the next day that i realized what she meant.
|
girl took my sweater off, i stopped her from taking her shirt off.
|
taking only my sweater
|
[
"i saw the thread about cockblocking myself and",
"decided to post this. it was a few months ago and",
"i was at a girls house, both 17. she was cold so",
"i have her sweater. time goes on and its getting",
"late so i decide to ask for a ride home. she then",
"takes off my sweater and gives it to me. she then",
"asked whether i wanted her to take her shirt off.",
"i then stupidly said \"but that's not my shirt,",
"only the sweater is mine.\" she then gives me an",
"awkward ride home. it wasn't until the next day",
"that i realized what she meant."
] |
[
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0.13205068368431191
] |
takes off my sweater and gives it to me. she then asked whether i wanted her to take her shirt off.
|
6 | 17 | 0.62 | 6 |
a year ago i fucked up, and am still hearing about it. i wish i could say it was my first time being high, but it wasn't. i wish i could say it was my first time being crossfaded, but it wasn't. no i just got fucked up and fucked the hell up.
well i guess it started like a normal wednesday night. the boys came over, we moved the furniture and started playing d&d. i was so psyched to show off my new character, a 3 foot 4 halfling fighter named clive. he started as chaotic good, but by the end of the night he would be the most evil character i have ever played.
about an hour before the guys came over i decided it would be a good idea to start pregaming. by the time they arrived i had smoked a good sized bowl, and taken a few shots of vodka. i was successfully unsober, but not quite fucked up. so far so good.
i believe i did something in a previous game to piss off the dm, and tonight he decided to get even. when the game started the dm had clive start off with a bag of jems valued at 50 gold. typically you should just start with gold.
so naturally our party headed off to find a jeweler, so i could get some gold and buy equipment before the quest. by the time clive and the party got to the jeweler, i had managed to down a tumbler of vodka muddled with a splash of sierra mist. additionally, i had split a bowl wish the dm (out of a pipe not a bong this time). this may have been fuck up number one.
clive walked in to the jeweler to find a grumpy old man who offered him 40 gold. "aw hell no! mother fucker this shit is worth 50 gold." so we went to a second shop. this shop was run by a bitchy old lady. she also offered me 40 gold. i tried to haggle with her, but she decided to eat my ruby. i ran back to the other store and agreed to the old man's price. i walked out with 30 gold, and decided i needed to punish the old lady.
fuck up number two. in my less than sober state i decided the best punishment would be shitting all over the side of her establishment. half way through clive's shit a pair of guards walked up, and long story short we left the city and never returned.
when we got to the next city i decided clive needed some thieves tools, but i didn't have enough money for them. so i chatted up the shop owner only to find out that he wanted me to comeback after dark, and he wanted me to wear lederhosen and nothing else. keeping in mind that i am a child sized halfling i assumed the man was a child molester, and began plotting his murder.
i took a big swig of vodka. clive came back late that night wearing nothing, but children's lederhosen. the shop owner greeted me and before long i was up against a wall with his dick against my face. so i pulled out my short sword and shoved it up his ass hole. he collapsed in a pool of blood.
fuck up number three. i could have left then, but i didn't. i raided his shop, and mad several trips back and forth between the shop and the inn. once i was done thieving. my intoxicated mind came to the conclusion that i needed to cover up the crime scene, and how do you cover up a pedophile's murder? with a child.
i'm not proud of this, but it happened. i found an innocent child sleeping in his bed. tried choking him out, and failed. so naturally i dragged him kicking and screaming through the town back to the scene of the crime. i knocked him unconscious, stripped out of my lederhosen, and dressed the child in them. i stepped back and admired my work. downed two fingers more.
it needed something else. something to make it look like the pedophile shop keeper was the one who kidnapped the kid. so i gave the kid a hickey. still naked by the way. i swaggered back to the inn and went to bed.
in the morning i was shaken awake by the towns guard. apparently, there were multiple witnesses to a halfling in lederhosen robbing a store and kidnaping a child, and one witness to a naked halfling waltzing back to the inn.
i was put on trial, my party members left me and went to the next town, and by some miracle i rolled perfect charisma checks and talked my way out of execution. one line i remember was, "he bated me into murder." i was banished from town, and stripped of my belongings.
fuck up number four. the dm and i got distracted talking about who could drink more. i ended up downing the equivalent of five shots.
for reasons i go not remember i ended up in the custody of guards at the outskirts of the next city. i talked them into letting me sleep with them in exchange for my freedom. they both stripped down, stripped me down, and sat me on the cot. (you know i didn't realize till now, but there was a lot of rape vibes given off during this session.)
anyways i convinced one of the guys to keep watch. the other guard put his dick in my mouth. i looked up in too eyes, and bit down with all my might. i bit it clean off, and he dropped to the ground in a panic. there was a lot of screaming and a lot of blood. he eventually passed out.
however, the next guard turned around, and gasped. i spit the severed cock in his face, and ran towards the pile of clothes, and weapons. before i got there he through the dick back at me. it hit me in the face and nocked me to the ground. he ran for the cloths and weapons. i stood up, and kicked the dick. again it hit his face and staggered him. i managed to get to the clothing pile and dig out a dagger. i began cutting through my cords when i heard movement.
i looked up just in time to see a dick fly through the air like a javelin. it landed in my mouth and nocked me prone. i spit the severed dick out of my mouth and finally managed to cut through the rope binding my hands. the guard grabbed me and slammed me on to a cot. i tried stabbing him with the dagger but he grabbed my wrist.
i put up a fight, but he was bigger and stronger. he stabbed the dagger down through my wrist. he stepped back thinking i realized it was over. i did not. i slapped his nuts with my wrist, so that the dagger blade was going trough my arm and into his ball sack. he dropped to the ground. i pulled out the dagger and slit his throat.
i walked out of the room, still naked by the way, and into a group of guards who heard the shouts. i ran full speed away. they checked the room, and began to pursue me. they shouted things like, "stop the murderous midget," and "slay the naked gnome." i rounded a corner, and instantly had my head cut off by a well positioned soldier.
we decided that was enough d&d for one night, and went to taco bell. where i insulted several employees, and became mesmerized with the sign. weeks later when the party left the city they saw clive's head on a pike.
|
got cross faded. played d&d. kidnaped a child. bit off a dick.
|
playing d&d nsfw
|
[
"a year ago i fucked up, and am still hearing about",
"it. i wish i could say it was my first time being",
"high, but it wasn't. i wish i could say it was my",
"first time being crossfaded, but it wasn't. no i",
"just got fucked up and fucked the hell up.",
"well i guess it started like a normal wednesday",
"night. the boys came over, we moved the furniture",
"and started playing d&d. i was so psyched to show",
"off my new character, a 3 foot 4 halfling fighter",
"named clive. he started as chaotic good, but by",
"the end of the night he would be the most evil",
"character i have ever played.",
"about an hour before the guys came over i decided",
"it would be a good idea to start pregaming. by",
"the time they arrived i had smoked a good sized",
"bowl, and taken a few shots of vodka. i was",
"successfully unsober, but not quite fucked up. so",
"far so good.",
"i believe i did something in a previous game to",
"piss off the dm, and tonight he decided to get",
"even. when the game started the dm had clive",
"start off with a bag of jems valued at 50 gold.",
"typically you should just start with gold.",
"so naturally our party headed off to find a",
"jeweler, so i could get some gold and buy",
"equipment before the quest. by the time clive and",
"the party got to the jeweler, i had managed to",
"down a tumbler of vodka muddled with a splash of",
"sierra mist. additionally, i had split a bowl",
"wish the dm (out of a pipe not a bong this time).",
"this may have been fuck up number one.",
"clive walked in to the jeweler to find a grumpy",
"old man who offered him 40 gold. \"aw hell no!",
"mother fucker this shit is worth 50 gold.\" so we",
"went to a second shop. this shop was run by a",
"bitchy old lady. she also offered me 40 gold. i",
"tried to haggle with her, but she decided to eat",
"my ruby. i ran back to the other store and agreed",
"to the old man's price. i walked out with 30",
"gold, and decided i needed to punish the old",
"lady.",
"fuck up number two. in my less than sober state i",
"decided the best punishment would be shitting all",
"over the side of her establishment. half way",
"through clive's shit a pair of guards walked up,",
"and long story short we left the city and never",
"returned.",
"when we got to the next city i decided clive",
"needed some thieves tools, but i didn't have",
"enough money for them. so i chatted up the shop",
"owner only to find out that he wanted me to",
"comeback after dark, and he wanted me to wear",
"lederhosen and nothing else. keeping in mind that",
"i am a child sized halfling i assumed the man was",
"a child molester, and began plotting his murder.",
"i took a big swig of vodka. clive came back late",
"that night wearing nothing, but children's",
"lederhosen. the shop owner greeted me and before",
"long i was up against a wall with his dick",
"against my face. so i pulled out my short sword",
"and shoved it up his ass hole. he collapsed in a",
"pool of blood.",
"fuck up number three. i could have left then, but",
"i didn't. i raided his shop, and mad several",
"trips back and forth between the shop and the",
"inn. once i was done thieving. my intoxicated",
"mind came to the conclusion that i needed to",
"cover up the crime scene, and how do you cover up",
"a pedophile's murder? with a child.",
"i'm not proud of this, but it happened. i found",
"an innocent child sleeping in his bed. tried",
"choking him out, and failed. so naturally i",
"dragged him kicking and screaming through the",
"town back to the scene of the crime. i knocked",
"him unconscious, stripped out of my lederhosen,",
"and dressed the child in them. i stepped back and",
"admired my work. downed two fingers more.",
"it needed something else. something to make it",
"look like the pedophile shop keeper was the one",
"who kidnapped the kid. so i gave the kid a",
"hickey. still naked by the way. i swaggered back",
"to the inn and went to bed.",
"in the morning i was shaken awake by the towns",
"guard. apparently, there were multiple witnesses",
"to a halfling in lederhosen robbing a store and",
"kidnaping a child, and one witness to a naked",
"halfling waltzing back to the inn.",
"i was put on trial, my party members left me and",
"went to the next town, and by some miracle i",
"rolled perfect charisma checks and talked my way",
"out of execution. one line i remember was, \"he",
"bated me into murder.\" i was banished from town,",
"and stripped of my belongings.",
"fuck up number four. the dm and i got distracted",
"talking about who could drink more. i ended up",
"downing the equivalent of five shots.",
"for reasons i go not remember i ended up in the",
"custody of guards at the outskirts of the next",
"city. i talked them into letting me sleep with",
"them in exchange for my freedom. they both",
"stripped down, stripped me down, and sat me on",
"the cot. (you know i didn't realize till now, but",
"there was a lot of rape vibes given off during",
"this session.)",
"anyways i convinced one of the guys to keep",
"watch. the other guard put his dick in my mouth.",
"i looked up in too eyes, and bit down with all my",
"might. i bit it clean off, and he dropped to the",
"ground in a panic. there was a lot of screaming",
"and a lot of blood. he eventually passed out.",
"however, the next guard turned around, and",
"gasped. i spit the severed cock in his face, and",
"ran towards the pile of clothes, and weapons.",
"before i got there he through the dick back at",
"me. it hit me in the face and nocked me to the",
"ground. he ran for the cloths and weapons. i",
"stood up, and kicked the dick. again it hit his",
"face and staggered him. i managed to get to the",
"clothing pile and dig out a dagger. i began",
"cutting through my cords when i heard movement.",
"i looked up just in time to see a dick fly",
"through the air like a javelin. it landed in my",
"mouth and nocked me prone. i spit the severed",
"dick out of my mouth and finally managed to cut",
"through the rope binding my hands. the guard",
"grabbed me and slammed me on to a cot. i tried",
"stabbing him with the dagger but he grabbed my",
"wrist.",
"i put up a fight, but he was bigger and stronger.",
"he stabbed the dagger down through my wrist. he",
"stepped back thinking i realized it was over. i",
"did not. i slapped his nuts with my wrist, so",
"that the dagger blade was going trough my arm and",
"into his ball sack. he dropped to the ground. i",
"pulled out the dagger and slit his throat.",
"i walked out of the room, still naked by the way,",
"and into a group of guards who heard the shouts.",
"i ran full speed away. they checked the room, and",
"began to pursue me. they shouted things like,",
"\"stop the murderous midget,\" and \"slay the naked",
"gnome.\" i rounded a corner, and instantly had my",
"head cut off by a well positioned soldier.",
"we decided that was enough d&d for one night, and",
"went to taco bell. where i insulted several",
"employees, and became mesmerized with the sign.",
"weeks later when the party left the city they saw",
"clive's head on a pike."
] |
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a pedophile's murder? with a child. before i got there he through the dick back at
|
519 | 125 | 0.86 | 519 |
the inspiration for this post was the man whose crush was double teamed, i might have a story to raise the bar. this was not today, or even yesterday but back in may. this isn't a feel good "got laid by dream girl prom story" just the opposite.
i'll be honest with everyone here. i'm unattractive, overweight and short as fuck. after asking one girl to prom (who rejected me, but that's another great story) i was desperate. i managed to muster up the courage to ask a girl who i met 10 minutes before and way out of my league, she said yes. this girl, we will call her nemo, is stunning, beautiful and very artistic but most importantly, what i didn't know, a nympho. so fast forward to prom, we were late and sitting with two of my very good friends and their girlfriends. fast forward again (it's back to the future week, i can say that shit) we are all at a party. friend 1 and nemo go missing, she comes down the stairs with a look of shame in her eyes and cum in her mouth, we all know what happened. so she's giving us the dirty details and i find out my prom date blew my best friend in my own bed. we make some more basic conversation, test the water to see if i have any chance of getting it in, the answer is no. everyone decides to go to sleep. walk upstairs and for some fucking reason i thought it would be okay for friend 2 and nemo to sleep in my bed while i slept on the floor. within minutes i hear a vacuum, no ordinary vacuum, this is hoover head. she was blowing my other best friend in my bed whole i was asleep on the floor. both of my friends had girlfriends and i got 0 ass. dreams of losing my v card that night still occur and are always interrupted by a vacuum.
edit 1- thanks to everyone for the nothing but positive support #1luv
edit 2- more info on the fuck up i mentioned tomorrow. strap you ducks up for a web of fuvkery
|
two heads are better than one
|
going to prom
|
[
"the inspiration for this post was the man whose",
"crush was double teamed, i might have a story to",
"raise the bar. this was not today, or even",
"yesterday but back in may. this isn't a feel good",
"\"got laid by dream girl prom story\" just the",
"opposite.",
"i'll be honest with everyone here. i'm",
"unattractive, overweight and short as fuck. after",
"asking one girl to prom (who rejected me, but",
"that's another great story) i was desperate. i",
"managed to muster up the courage to ask a girl",
"who i met 10 minutes before and way out of my",
"league, she said yes. this girl, we will call her",
"nemo, is stunning, beautiful and very artistic",
"but most importantly, what i didn't know, a",
"nympho. so fast forward to prom, we were late and",
"sitting with two of my very good friends and",
"their girlfriends. fast forward again (it's back",
"to the future week, i can say that shit) we are",
"all at a party. friend 1 and nemo go missing, she",
"comes down the stairs with a look of shame in her",
"eyes and cum in her mouth, we all know what",
"happened. so she's giving us the dirty details",
"and i find out my prom date blew my best friend",
"in my own bed. we make some more basic",
"conversation, test the water to see if i have any",
"chance of getting it in, the answer is no.",
"everyone decides to go to sleep. walk upstairs",
"and for some fucking reason i thought it would",
"be okay for friend 2 and nemo to sleep in my bed",
"while i slept on the floor. within minutes i hear",
"a vacuum, no ordinary vacuum, this is hoover",
"head. she was blowing my other best friend in my",
"bed whole i was asleep on the floor. both of my",
"friends had girlfriends and i got 0 ass. dreams",
"of losing my v card that night still occur and",
"are always interrupted by a vacuum.",
"edit 1- thanks to everyone for the nothing but",
"positive support #1luv",
"edit 2- more info on the fuck up i mentioned",
"tomorrow. strap you ducks up for a web of fuvkery"
] |
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are always interrupted by a vacuum.
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294 | 49 | 0.89 | 294 |
i live alone, and like any self respecting thirty something year old i like to roam about my apartment in the nude. i like the way it feels. i recall one particular day, there i was, doing my house chores as nature intended when i took a load off the clothes horse as i have done a hundred times before, set the ironing board up in the living room and began ironing away whilst watching reruns of qi on the telly. now i'm no expert but i do pride myself on my ironing capabilities and frequently mock my less capable brethren for shoddy workmanship. for reasons unknown till this day, i set the ironing board on the lower locking mechanism, which i never do! what in the name of odin possessed me to do so i don't know! there i was ironing away when the unfortunate happened. while watching tv and trying to perform the ''crease-less sleeve press technique'' i lost concentration just for a split second, resulting in me haphazardly searing along the tip of my penis. it felt like the first rising vibes of an acid frenzy, which quickly turned to pain, followed by panic. luckily for me i had a half eaten tub of ben & jerrys in the freezer to ease my pain, and spent half the day feeling embarrassed as i sat there with my chunky monkey covered in cream. needless to say, i now live life a little less casually.
|
did some nude ironing, burnt my helmet.
|
ironing my penis nsfw
|
[
"i live alone, and like any self respecting thirty",
"something year old i like to roam about my",
"apartment in the nude. i like the way it feels. i",
"recall one particular day, there i was, doing my",
"house chores as nature intended when i took a",
"load off the clothes horse as i have done a",
"hundred times before, set the ironing board up in",
"the living room and began ironing away whilst",
"watching reruns of qi on the telly. now i'm no",
"expert but i do pride myself on my ironing",
"capabilities and frequently mock my less capable",
"brethren for shoddy workmanship. for reasons",
"unknown till this day, i set the ironing board on",
"the lower locking mechanism, which i never do!",
"what in the name of odin possessed me to do so i",
"don't know! there i was ironing away when the",
"unfortunate happened. while watching tv and",
"trying to perform the ''crease-less sleeve press",
"technique'' i lost concentration just for a split",
"second, resulting in me haphazardly searing along",
"the tip of my penis. it felt like the first",
"rising vibes of an acid frenzy, which quickly",
"turned to pain, followed by panic. luckily for",
"me i had a half eaten tub of ben & jerrys in the",
"freezer to ease my pain, and spent half the day",
"feeling embarrassed as i sat there with my chunky",
"monkey covered in cream. needless to say, i now",
"live life a little less casually."
] |
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expert but i do pride myself on my ironing
|
18 | 5 | 0.85 | 18 |
this story actually was today, so something positive came out of this. i'm also turning this story into internet points that don't do anything useful, so i don't know what else to say.
i was sleeping over at a friend's place after a back to the future marathon. i haven't been there in almost 4 years, so it was nice seeing it again. i woke up this morning and decided to cook bagels, being that it's the only breakfast-related food there. i opened up the fridge, took about 8 bagels from a bag, and looked for a place to cook it. unfortunately, i did not see the toaster oven that was left on the counter what the fuck was i thinking
i must have had an aneurysm in between those points.
anyways, i saw a bread machine, and think, "hey, it says bread in the title, it must be able to cook bread!"
so i put the bagels in and come back to my friend's room. we wasted some time on his computer playing counter-strike until my friend's dad comes in and says that he was impressed.
what was he impressed at? my level of stupidity. the bread machine was a contraption that made bread.
out of dough. my friends don't trust me with anything anymore, i'm the laughingstock of about thirty people, and i had to clean that machine out.
i also have to eat the fine crumbs of all the bagels that i "made".
|
i tried to cook bagels in a machine where you were supposed to bake bread out of dough.
|
trying to toast bread.
|
[
"this story actually was today, so something",
"positive came out of this. i'm also turning this",
"story into internet points that don't do anything",
"useful, so i don't know what else to say.",
"i was sleeping over at a friend's place after a",
"back to the future marathon. i haven't been there",
"in almost 4 years, so it was nice seeing it",
"again. i woke up this morning and decided to cook",
"bagels, being that it's the only",
"breakfast-related food there. i opened up the",
"fridge, took about 8 bagels from a bag, and",
"looked for a place to cook it. unfortunately, i",
"did not see the toaster oven that was left on the",
"counter what the fuck was i thinking",
"i must have had an aneurysm in between those",
"points.",
"anyways, i saw a bread machine, and think, \"hey,",
"it says bread in the title, it must be able to",
"cook bread!\"",
"so i put the bagels in and come back to my",
"friend's room. we wasted some time on his",
"computer playing counter-strike until my friend's",
"dad comes in and says that he was impressed.",
"what was he impressed at? my level of stupidity.",
"the bread machine was a contraption that made",
"bread.",
"out of dough. my friends don't trust me with",
"anything anymore, i'm the laughingstock of about",
"thirty people, and i had to clean that machine",
"out.",
"i also have to eat the fine crumbs of all the",
"bagels that i \"made\"."
] |
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looked for a place to cook it. unfortunately, i out of dough. my friends don't trust me with
|
1 | 2 | 0.57 | 1 |
i have lot of time to kill while eating my chicken wrap and waiting for bus
i saw my bus passed by me when i was about to reach bus stop . now this bus has irregular frequency. so i thought i have lot of time before next bus arrives and i will be really hungry by the time i reach home. so decided to buy chicken wrap from nearby food outlet.
there is old lady making chicken wrap without any hurry. she asked me what kind of wrap i want. explained me ingredients in each of them and then i decided to buy bbq chicken wrap. she started making it and i paid her. now i thinkng i missed my bus but i having good chicken wrap. i will eat it and spend my time before my next bus arrives. but then i saw another bus near bus stop. this is completely unexpected. before i could react that bus has already started accelerating. i was like omg how come next bus is here within 5 minutes.
i told that lady that i missed my bus for second time, she laughed and said enjoy your wrap , next bus won't be here atleast for couple of hours
|
missed bus having irregular frequency. thinking that i have lot if time to kill , ordered chicken wrap. another bus passed by while my chicken wrap is getting prepared. now actually have lot of time to kill
|
ordering chicken wrap
|
[
"i have lot of time to kill while eating my chicken",
"wrap and waiting for bus",
"i saw my bus passed by me when i was about to",
"reach bus stop . now this bus has irregular",
"frequency. so i thought i have lot of time before",
"next bus arrives and i will be really hungry by",
"the time i reach home. so decided to buy chicken",
"wrap from nearby food outlet.",
"there is old lady making chicken wrap without any",
"hurry. she asked me what kind of wrap i want.",
"explained me ingredients in each of them and then",
"i decided to buy bbq chicken wrap. she started",
"making it and i paid her. now i thinkng i missed",
"my bus but i having good chicken wrap. i will eat",
"it and spend my time before my next bus arrives.",
"but then i saw another bus near bus stop. this is",
"completely unexpected. before i could react that",
"bus has already started accelerating. i was like",
"omg how come next bus is here within 5 minutes.",
"i told that lady that i missed my bus for second",
"time, she laughed and said enjoy your wrap , next",
"bus won't be here atleast for couple of hours"
] |
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i have lot of time to kill while eating my chicken i saw my bus passed by me when i was about to
|
2 | 6 | 0.75 | 2 |
so i've been talking to this girl for a couple weeks but barley started hanging out with her a couple days ago. so i first met her sophomore of high school nothing ever happened between us. 2 years later(present time) we started talking through twitter and she wanted to hang out for her birthday weekend. friday night/sunday morning we went for bowling and dennys, apparently her psycho ex boyfriend was following us. i had no idea.
this morning at 4am pst i picked her up cause she wanted to "chill". we went the the local park to walk around then headed back to my car. as im about to shift to first gear a car with its headlights off pulls up next to me. its her psycho, abusive, ex boyfriend. he tried to box me in but i made it through, and immediately take off as fast as possible. he's chasing me through my city. im running every red light/stop sign trying to get to the police station. i even start drifting, didnt know i could do that. shes currently on the phone with him and hes saying to pull over. hell no, im in stockton california, i automatically think hes gonna kill me. after a crazy chase she talks him into following me to her house. on the way there i see a cop car in the crossing intersection and start honking then i pull up to it. middle of the intersection. i tell the cop what happened and he just says drive home. when i flagged the cop down the ex sped off. she tells me to take her to her grandmas so i did. im panicking so i pick up one of my best friends. i get a text from my her phone saying "you fucked up ima get you for that" i didnt text back. she text me later saying shes fine. this dude knew who i was. dont know how hes getting my info or how he knows where we were. contemplating on buying a gun.
|
hanging out with girl, ex bf chases me through the city until i flag down a cop who didnt help, then the ex tells me i fucked up via text
|
taking a girl out for her birthday and her ex crashes in
|
[
"so i've been talking to this girl for a couple",
"weeks but barley started hanging out with her a",
"couple days ago. so i first met her sophomore of",
"high school nothing ever happened between us. 2",
"years later(present time) we started talking",
"through twitter and she wanted to hang out for",
"her birthday weekend. friday night/sunday morning",
"we went for bowling and dennys, apparently her",
"psycho ex boyfriend was following us. i had no",
"idea.",
"this morning at 4am pst i picked her up cause",
"she wanted to \"chill\". we went the the local park",
"to walk around then headed back to my car. as im",
"about to shift to first gear a car with its",
"headlights off pulls up next to me. its her",
"psycho, abusive, ex boyfriend. he tried to box me",
"in but i made it through, and immediately take",
"off as fast as possible. he's chasing me through",
"my city. im running every red light/stop sign",
"trying to get to the police station. i even start",
"drifting, didnt know i could do that. shes",
"currently on the phone with him and hes saying to",
"pull over. hell no, im in stockton california, i",
"automatically think hes gonna kill me. after a",
"crazy chase she talks him into following me to",
"her house. on the way there i see a cop car in",
"the crossing intersection and start honking then",
"i pull up to it. middle of the intersection. i",
"tell the cop what happened and he just says drive",
"home. when i flagged the cop down the ex sped",
"off. she tells me to take her to her grandmas so",
"i did. im panicking so i pick up one of my best",
"friends. i get a text from my her phone saying",
"\"you fucked up ima get you for that\" i didnt text",
"back. she text me later saying shes fine. this",
"dude knew who i was. dont know how hes getting my",
"info or how he knows where we were. contemplating",
"on buying a gun."
] |
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weeks but barley started hanging out with her a home. when i flagged the cop down the ex sped "you fucked up ima get you for that" i didnt text
|
6,044 | 1,052 | 0.88 | 6,044 |
this literally happened 15 mins ago, i'm still slightly traumatised. to give just a bit of background, i'm a 17 year old male, and live with my sister who is a couple years older than me, and parents of course.
i have this strange habit that occurs subconsciously whenever i feel the need to go to the bathroom. when i'm alone, i'll casually whip out the d as i'm walking towards the bathroom, and as soon as i reach the toilet i let loose. easy peasy, i'm in and out of there in like 10 seconds. usually this isn't a problem, if i notice anyone around i simply do what any other civilised human being would do and not unleash my genitals.
today i was watching a video on my phone so i had earphones in. on my journey to the bathroom, i was giggling like a little girl so i didn't realise my sister was already sitting on the toilet as i walked in. why the door wasn't fucking closed i will never fucking know. as i stroll in (with phone in one hand and dick in other mind you) i hear a voice say "sorry i'm in..." which then cuts off. slowly i look up from my phone. i swear if you saw her face it would be like i killed someone, though a part of her probably died so yeah.
i got the absolute fuck out of there, and here i am in bed, watching netflix and writing this. i'm not getting up after that traumatising experience.
|
had to take a leak, instead showed my sister my flaccid ding dong.
|
finding my sister in the bathroom
|
[
"this literally happened 15 mins ago, i'm still",
"slightly traumatised. to give just a bit of",
"background, i'm a 17 year old male, and live with",
"my sister who is a couple years older than me,",
"and parents of course.",
"i have this strange habit that occurs",
"subconsciously whenever i feel the need to go to",
"the bathroom. when i'm alone, i'll casually whip",
"out the d as i'm walking towards the bathroom,",
"and as soon as i reach the toilet i let loose.",
"easy peasy, i'm in and out of there in like 10",
"seconds. usually this isn't a problem, if i",
"notice anyone around i simply do what any other",
"civilised human being would do and not unleash my",
"genitals.",
"today i was watching a video on my phone so i had",
"earphones in. on my journey to the bathroom, i",
"was giggling like a little girl so i didn't",
"realise my sister was already sitting on the",
"toilet as i walked in. why the door wasn't",
"fucking closed i will never fucking know. as i",
"stroll in (with phone in one hand and dick in",
"other mind you) i hear a voice say \"sorry i'm",
"in...\" which then cuts off. slowly i look up from",
"my phone. i swear if you saw her face it would be",
"like i killed someone, though a part of her",
"probably died so yeah.",
"i got the absolute fuck out of there, and here i",
"am in bed, watching netflix and writing this. i'm",
"not getting up after that traumatising",
"experience."
] |
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my sister who is a couple years older than me,
|
6 | 2 | 0.67 | 6 |
ok, so, this happened several years ago.
so, basically, my school had a thing where everyone in year 8(12-13) got to go on a school trip to normandy, at the end of the school year, around the time that d-day happened in 1944. this isn't that expensive for people who live in the uk, because it's only a few miles of water, and your there, so almost everyone came. we had to choose a group of people to share a room with. there were five beds, so we had to make a group of five. i had to go with one of my friends who i didn't talk with much anymore, one of his friends, a disabled kid, and one of his friends. party of my fucking life. so, this disabled kid's friend is the only one who's relevant to the story, so, for the sake of storytelling, we'll call him adolf hitler. you can guess how much i enjoyed his company. so, on the second day we were there, we had just got back from visiting a snail farm, or some shit, so everyone was just talking in the area outside the hostel, and then i decided to go up stairs to get my camera, and my other friend who was sharing the room with me also needed to get something, so we went to our room, and i went to my bag to get my camera, and my friend went to the toilet. i wasn't taking much notice, but my friend quickly slammed the toilet door and said,
'holy shit, dialent, don't go in the toilets, adolf hitler is in their, and he's *fucking naked*!'
or something along those lines. so, my mentally inept 13-year-old mind thought he was talking about the down-stairs toilet, and proceeded to enter the bathroom.
and there was adolf hitler with his hands behind his head, standing up, with no clothes covering his lower body, vigorously thrusting, while urinating into the toilet. god help me, i can still remember it vividly.
so, being the gossipy little shits we were, we spread the fact that hitler enjoyed thrust-pissing without trousers on like wildfire. the best thing that came out of this was the fact that i had blocked the toilet the previous day had been overshadowed by hitler's thrust-pissing.
|
went on school trip to normandy, france, for d-day memorial, saw hitler thrust-pissing into the toilet, got scarred for life.
|
honouring the allied forces' storming of the beaches of normandy
|
[
"ok, so, this happened several years ago.",
"so, basically, my school had a thing where",
"everyone in year 8(12-13) got to go on a school",
"trip to normandy, at the end of the school year,",
"around the time that d-day happened in 1944. this",
"isn't that expensive for people who live in the",
"uk, because it's only a few miles of water, and",
"your there, so almost everyone came. we had to",
"choose a group of people to share a room with.",
"there were five beds, so we had to make a group",
"of five. i had to go with one of my friends who i",
"didn't talk with much anymore, one of his",
"friends, a disabled kid, and one of his friends.",
"party of my fucking life. so, this disabled kid's",
"friend is the only one who's relevant to the",
"story, so, for the sake of storytelling, we'll",
"call him adolf hitler. you can guess how much i",
"enjoyed his company. so, on the second day we",
"were there, we had just got back from visiting a",
"snail farm, or some shit, so everyone was just",
"talking in the area outside the hostel, and then",
"i decided to go up stairs to get my camera, and",
"my other friend who was sharing the room with me",
"also needed to get something, so we went to our",
"room, and i went to my bag to get my camera, and",
"my friend went to the toilet. i wasn't taking",
"much notice, but my friend quickly slammed the",
"toilet door and said,",
"'holy shit, dialent, don't go in the toilets,",
"adolf hitler is in their, and he's *fucking",
"naked*!'",
"or something along those lines. so, my mentally",
"inept 13-year-old mind thought he was talking",
"about the down-stairs toilet, and proceeded to",
"enter the bathroom.",
"and there was adolf hitler with his hands behind",
"his head, standing up, with no clothes covering",
"his lower body, vigorously thrusting, while",
"urinating into the toilet. god help me, i can",
"still remember it vividly.",
"so, being the gossipy little shits we were, we",
"spread the fact that hitler enjoyed",
"thrust-pissing without trousers on like wildfire.",
"the best thing that came out of this was the fact",
"that i had blocked the toilet the previous day",
"had been overshadowed by hitler's thrust-pissing."
] |
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trip to normandy, at the end of the school year, urinating into the toilet. god help me, i can thrust-pissing without trousers on like wildfire.
|
53 | 35 | 0.87 | 53 |
so for christmas last year my parents got both me and my brother identical laptops. i am a few years older than him, and he is 11. he likes to play lego and minecraft and stuff with his friends. it's cute.
i'm not a very talented person. but i can draw. and for the last year or so i've been drawing fan art for games and anime and stuff. some of it's pretty racy, which is pretty embarrassing, hence the throwaway. so i have a lot of files on my laptop, the same laptop that i got for xmas last year and the same laptop my brother has an identical copy of, and in these files are my artwork. they're pretty damn well organised, labelled by what game of movie or show they're from. our parents don't let us keep passwords on the laptops, but i keep the files buried pretty well and they really don't know how to use the computers like me and my brother do.
on friday my brother went to a sleepover at his friends, and took his laptop so that they can play minecraft together. he gets back tomorrow. yesterday i got out my laptop for the first time since he left and opened it up.
oh shit.
this isnt my laptop.
this is my brothers.
which means he has my laptop. the one full of porn. i'm sorry, bro.
edit: it's been pointed out i might have done him a favour. nope. not with what i drew. it's mostly guy on guy.
edit2: the "porn" was the stuff i drew. sorry for the confusion.
|
didnt look after laptop full of porn properly, little brother took it to a friends house by accident.
|
ruining my brothers innocence.
|
[
"so for christmas last year my parents got both me",
"and my brother identical laptops. i am a few",
"years older than him, and he is 11. he likes to",
"play lego and minecraft and stuff with his",
"friends. it's cute.",
"i'm not a very talented person. but i can draw.",
"and for the last year or so i've been drawing fan",
"art for games and anime and stuff. some of it's",
"pretty racy, which is pretty embarrassing, hence",
"the throwaway. so i have a lot of files on my",
"laptop, the same laptop that i got for xmas last",
"year and the same laptop my brother has an",
"identical copy of, and in these files are my",
"artwork. they're pretty damn well organised,",
"labelled by what game of movie or show they're",
"from. our parents don't let us keep passwords on",
"the laptops, but i keep the files buried pretty",
"well and they really don't know how to use the",
"computers like me and my brother do.",
"on friday my brother went to a sleepover at his",
"friends, and took his laptop so that they can",
"play minecraft together. he gets back tomorrow.",
"yesterday i got out my laptop for the first time",
"since he left and opened it up.",
"oh shit.\nthis isnt my laptop.",
"this is my brothers.",
"which means he has my laptop. the one full of",
"porn. i'm sorry, bro.",
"edit: it's been pointed out i might have done him",
"a favour. nope. not with what i drew. it's mostly",
"guy on guy.",
"edit2: the \"porn\" was the stuff i drew. sorry for",
"the confusion."
] |
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] |
friends. it's cute. on friday my brother went to a sleepover at his which means he has my laptop. the one full of
|
5 | 4 | 0.71 | 5 |
so this happened last night... for the past month or so, myself and my girlfriend have been getting our crew together to all take a party bus from where we live in new hampshire to portland, maine to see griz live.
after all this work, the day finally came where we get to do this, everyone's excited... we board the party bus (there was 30 of us). about halfway into the ride someone's girlfriend is sick as all hell in the bathroom... whatever right? so we get there and the kid stays back with his girlfriend who's very sick on the bus, which was a favor from the driver.
at some point this dude takes the bus somewhere with the couple on it and leaves the bus with the keys in the ignition. the man of the relationship hopped into the driver's seat and drove the bus straight into a pole. somehow he doesn't get arrested and comes into the show with his girlfriend, doesn't say a word to anyone. right after he did it the driver kicked them off and high tailed it back home. so we were stranded in portland, 2 and a half hours away from home. also didn't get any of our stuff back.
|
drunk friend drove party bus into a pole leading to thirty people being stuck in the cold
|
renting a party bus for my friends and i
|
[
"so this happened last night... for the past month",
"or so, myself and my girlfriend have been getting",
"our crew together to all take a party bus from",
"where we live in new hampshire to portland, maine",
"to see griz live.",
"after all this work, the day finally came where",
"we get to do this, everyone's excited... we board",
"the party bus (there was 30 of us). about halfway",
"into the ride someone's girlfriend is sick as all",
"hell in the bathroom... whatever right? so we get",
"there and the kid stays back with his girlfriend",
"who's very sick on the bus, which was a favor",
"from the driver.",
"at some point this dude takes the bus somewhere",
"with the couple on it and leaves the bus with the",
"keys in the ignition. the man of the relationship",
"hopped into the driver's seat and drove the bus",
"straight into a pole. somehow he doesn't get",
"arrested and comes into the show with his",
"girlfriend, doesn't say a word to anyone. right",
"after he did it the driver kicked them off and",
"high tailed it back home. so we were stranded in",
"portland, 2 and a half hours away from home. also",
"didn't get any of our stuff back."
] |
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our crew together to all take a party bus from straight into a pole. somehow he doesn't get
|
33 | 22 | 0.76 | 33 |
kind of a cock block/sex fail story.
highschool grad night and my friend andreas (big mexican guy) is staying at the resort with his girlfriend sam (little half asian half canadian chick) that we had our graduation at. my best friend and crush katie who had graduated the year before me and was my grad date was staying in the same room as them (2 bedroom hotel room)
and just for reference i'm a 6 foot 3 white guy.
we get to the room and the drinking starts. andreas demolishes the edge of a table trying to show me how to pop a bottle cap by smashing the edge of the cap on the table. it. doesn't. fucking. work.
andreas is getting a little rambunctious and sam wants to talk to katie, who's a ridiculous lightweight, so i haul andreas out for a walk on the resorts golf course, and we bring the bottle of jack daniels with us. he proceeds to chug the entire bottle of jack in the parking lot, hands me a condom, says "get sum" and we go back to the hotel room. (note that katie is a 5 foot 6 bombshell with more sail than mast, rad personality, and the subject of most of the guys fantasies)
once inside, sam tackles andreas onto their bed, and they immediately start going at it. i'm leaning against the wall with a beer in my hand (not watching the interracial love-fest) and katie walks up to me, takes my beer, chugs it, jumps on me and grabs me by the back of the head and starts wildly making out with me. i'm trying to play it cool and do this well, but i'm drunk to the point of my limbs feeling like rubber, and i've got a voice in my going "aaaaaaaaaah it's happening" freaking out over my highschool crush. all this while trying my best to ignore the wild sex grunts and moans coming from the bed 10 feet to my left
so we fall onto the floor. there's a lot of heated making out and grinding, when we finally get into a position that i can eat her out in, i make her cum once, and then she literally passes the fuck out.
so i think to myself "she's naked and asleep on the floor. i should get her in the bed that's 3 feet away from me. i proceed to drop her several times on the way to the bed, but i get her in and then pass out myself in the bed.
i wake up second, because katie is discreetly trying to re dress herself in the bed, i look her dead in the eye and say "you look like i feel" and she punches me in the shoulder. im the first who has to leave, so i head out. i receive a text later that day "dude where the fuck did all these bruises come from?"
3 years later, we hardly talk. find out she had a serious crush on me in highschool, but she's been dating someone for about a year and we live about an hour apart.
edit: major detail mess up: it was not a 2 bedroom hotel room. it was a 2 bed room. as in 2 queen size beds in 1 room with a couple feet between them. let that sink in.
|
highschool crush and i are about to have sex, we're both drunk that she passes out immediately and i bruise the crap out of her by dropping her constantly. shitty tldr, read the story.
|
failing at sex with my high-school crush and dream girl.
|
[
"kind of a cock block/sex fail story.",
"highschool grad night and my friend andreas (big",
"mexican guy) is staying at the resort with his",
"girlfriend sam (little half asian half canadian",
"chick) that we had our graduation at. my best",
"friend and crush katie who had graduated the year",
"before me and was my grad date was staying in the",
"same room as them (2 bedroom hotel room)",
"and just for reference i'm a 6 foot 3 white guy.",
"we get to the room and the drinking starts.",
"andreas demolishes the edge of a table trying to",
"show me how to pop a bottle cap by smashing the",
"edge of the cap on the table. it. doesn't.",
"fucking. work.",
"andreas is getting a little rambunctious and sam",
"wants to talk to katie, who's a ridiculous",
"lightweight, so i haul andreas out for a walk on",
"the resorts golf course, and we bring the bottle",
"of jack daniels with us. he proceeds to chug the",
"entire bottle of jack in the parking lot, hands",
"me a condom, says \"get sum\" and we go back to the",
"hotel room. (note that katie is a 5 foot 6",
"bombshell with more sail than mast, rad",
"personality, and the subject of most of the guys",
"fantasies)",
"once inside, sam tackles andreas onto their bed,",
"and they immediately start going at it. i'm",
"leaning against the wall with a beer in my hand",
"(not watching the interracial love-fest) and",
"katie walks up to me, takes my beer, chugs it,",
"jumps on me and grabs me by the back of the head",
"and starts wildly making out with me. i'm trying",
"to play it cool and do this well, but i'm drunk",
"to the point of my limbs feeling like rubber, and",
"i've got a voice in my going \"aaaaaaaaaah it's",
"happening\" freaking out over my highschool crush.",
"all this while trying my best to ignore the wild",
"sex grunts and moans coming from the bed 10 feet",
"to my left",
"so we fall onto the floor. there's a lot of",
"heated making out and grinding, when we finally",
"get into a position that i can eat her out in, i",
"make her cum once, and then she literally passes",
"the fuck out.",
"so i think to myself \"she's naked and asleep on",
"the floor. i should get her in the bed that's 3",
"feet away from me. i proceed to drop her several",
"times on the way to the bed, but i get her in and",
"then pass out myself in the bed.",
"i wake up second, because katie is discreetly",
"trying to re dress herself in the bed, i look her",
"dead in the eye and say \"you look like i feel\"",
"and she punches me in the shoulder. im the first",
"who has to leave, so i head out. i receive a text",
"later that day \"dude where the fuck did all these",
"bruises come from?\"",
"3 years later, we hardly talk. find out she had a",
"serious crush on me in highschool, but she's been",
"dating someone for about a year and we live about",
"an hour apart.",
"edit: major detail mess up: it was not a 2",
"bedroom hotel room. it was a 2 bed room. as in 2",
"queen size beds in 1 room with a couple feet",
"between them. let that sink in."
] |
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jumps on me and grabs me by the back of the head happening" freaking out over my highschool crush. to my left make her cum once, and then she literally passes
|
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