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6 | 20 | 0.63 | 6 |
tonight i (white male 20) decided to have a few drinks with friends (two white females 20/21) in my room and drive them up town in our college town to the clubs. no big deal. i do this all the time.
it is getting time to leave and i decided to grab my car from the near by parking lot and pick up my friends at the door. on my way tot he lot i come up to a very intoxicated women (black and very underaged) in the grass struggling to put on her shoes. she has lost her phone and her keys but has had enough to drink she doesn't care one bit.
i know that recent events in my college town, two women getting raped in the past three weeks, means it is not safe for me to just blow this off. i made a choice to help her back to her dorm and mostly make my friends late to the clubs up town.
i struggle to get her to comply, but she agrees it is for the best for her to go home. in the process of taking her back to her dorm and attempting to be the stable anchor for her while she meanders in the general direction, i receive an infuriated call from my friends, demanding i bail on my new ward and accommodate the original plans. i explain the situation and they are having none of it. they leave without me to walk up to the club.
after i successfully check the strange woman into her dorm, i attempt to meet my friends halfway and drive them the rest of the way. i park my car in a near by business, get out and try to explain in person the situation. again, they were having none of it.
so now i am certain that my better judgement has cost me a preciously cherished friendship.
|
drunk bitches be tripping
|
preventing a possible rape.
|
[
"tonight i (white male 20) decided to have a few",
"drinks with friends (two white females 20/21) in",
"my room and drive them up town in our college",
"town to the clubs. no big deal. i do this all the",
"time.",
"it is getting time to leave and i decided to grab",
"my car from the near by parking lot and pick up",
"my friends at the door. on my way tot he lot i",
"come up to a very intoxicated women (black and",
"very underaged) in the grass struggling to put on",
"her shoes. she has lost her phone and her keys",
"but has had enough to drink she doesn't care one",
"bit.",
"i know that recent events in my college town, two",
"women getting raped in the past three weeks,",
"means it is not safe for me to just blow this",
"off. i made a choice to help her back to her dorm",
"and mostly make my friends late to the clubs up",
"town.",
"i struggle to get her to comply, but she agrees",
"it is for the best for her to go home. in the",
"process of taking her back to her dorm and",
"attempting to be the stable anchor for her while",
"she meanders in the general direction, i receive",
"an infuriated call from my friends, demanding i",
"bail on my new ward and accommodate the original",
"plans. i explain the situation and they are",
"having none of it. they leave without me to walk",
"up to the club.",
"after i successfully check the strange woman into",
"her dorm, i attempt to meet my friends halfway",
"and drive them the rest of the way. i park my car",
"in a near by business, get out and try to explain",
"in person the situation. again, they were having",
"none of it.",
"so now i am certain that my better judgement has",
"cost me a preciously cherished friendship."
] |
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attempting to be the stable anchor for her while
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12 | 6 | 0.75 | 12 |
reddit, today i fucked up bad! there is this guy who kind of likes me but i don't like him (i don't dislike him either, i just think he is a little boring) and he sends me text messages every once in a while and i reply because i don't want to be rude... so today he sent me one telling me, he was back home for a while... and i asked him if he was on vacation and he replied saying that not really, he was there to take care of his dad who has cancer and that because of that he got a few weeks off work so he could do that. i was only half paying attention to what he was saying and texting him while texting other people that i was more interested in talking to, so i just replied : "ah, how nice... hope you have an awesome time!". only now, hours later, i realized what i said. fml.
|
i am a dumbass.
|
told this guy that i hoped he had "an awesome time" while taking care of his sick dad.
|
[
"reddit, today i fucked up bad! there is this guy",
"who kind of likes me but i don't like him (i",
"don't dislike him either, i just think he is a",
"little boring) and he sends me text messages",
"every once in a while and i reply because i don't",
"want to be rude... so today he sent me one",
"telling me, he was back home for a while... and",
"i asked him if he was on vacation and he replied",
"saying that not really, he was there to take care",
"of his dad who has cancer and that because of",
"that he got a few weeks off work so he could do",
"that. i was only half paying attention to what he",
"was saying and texting him while texting other",
"people that i was more interested in talking to,",
"so i just replied : \"ah, how nice... hope you",
"have an awesome time!\". only now, hours later, i",
"realized what i said. fml."
] |
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don't dislike him either, i just think he is a
|
59 | 35 | 0.83 | 59 |
so a bunch of my buddies and i went to atlanta for dragoncon today. we were getting tired and went to a restaurant to eat and chill. the tickets come and mine was about $9.75, so i gave a $10 and the waitress asked if i wanted my change. i knew telling her no meant she would get it, but i didn't know that meant it was the /only/ tip you were going to give. i planned to give her more of a tip. so she comes back, kind of throws my check down in front of me and says, "sir, i don't need your quarter" real snarky. i immediately feel horrible, realizing she thought that was going to be her only tip from me. so i gave her a $20 tip wrote on the check that i didn't mean it that way.
|
didn't realize "keep the change" meant "that's the only tip you're getting" so i tipped really well.
|
accidentally telling my waitress i was giving her a quarter tip.
|
[
"so a bunch of my buddies and i went to atlanta for",
"dragoncon today. we were getting tired and went",
"to a restaurant to eat and chill. the tickets",
"come and mine was about $9.75, so i gave a $10",
"and the waitress asked if i wanted my change. i",
"knew telling her no meant she would get it, but i",
"didn't know that meant it was the /only/ tip you",
"were going to give. i planned to give her more of",
"a tip. so she comes back, kind of throws my check",
"down in front of me and says, \"sir, i don't need",
"your quarter\" real snarky. i immediately feel",
"horrible, realizing she thought that was going to",
"be her only tip from me. so i gave her a $20 tip",
"wrote on the check that i didn't mean it that",
"way."
] |
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didn't know that meant it was the /only/ tip you be her only tip from me. so i gave her a $20 tip
|
21 | 0 | 0.84 | 21 |
it started about a day ago when i got a virus that was going through my family, my mother and brother were at home in bed with it for a few days. once i had it, i was asleep for probably 2/3 of the day, thats when my girlfriend and friend called me, asking me to go to a dessert restaurant with them. because i was drugged up on medicine and was feeling slightly better, i thought, why not? turns out they ordered me a cup of melted choclate and a coffee. i hadn't eaten anything all day before that, so i was a little hesitant on eating the chocolate, but after i started, everything seemed fine. it got to 11pm and i drove my friend and my girlfriend home. this is how i fucked up... because i had a coffee at roughly 9pm, it was still in my system til about 1am. after around 1.30am i crashed, thinking ill have a nice sleep in the following morning. i was very, very wrong. i woke up at 3.30 in the morning to what felt like my stomach twisting itself in a knot, i jumped up straight away and bolted for the toilet, bumping into walls and doors because it was dark and i was disoeiented, eventually waking up my family - which didn't help the situation. for the next half an hour, i was hunched over the toilet, feeling like i was going to explode from both ends. because i hadn't eaten anything, i wasn't able to actually vomit for ages, so i was kneeling there trying to get something up, but to no avail . it got to about 4am, and i finally felt like i was able to fall asleep. fast forward to this morning and i am feeling a little better, but still feel like shit.
|
got a virus, slept for the entire day, then got invited out to a dessert restaurant, resulted in episodes of vomiting in the middle of the night.
|
thinking i was better
|
[
"it started about a day ago when i got a virus that",
"was going through my family, my mother and",
"brother were at home in bed with it for a few",
"days. once i had it, i was asleep for probably",
"2/3 of the day, thats when my girlfriend and",
"friend called me, asking me to go to a dessert",
"restaurant with them. because i was drugged up on",
"medicine and was feeling slightly better, i",
"thought, why not? turns out they ordered me a cup",
"of melted choclate and a coffee. i hadn't eaten",
"anything all day before that, so i was a little",
"hesitant on eating the chocolate, but after i",
"started, everything seemed fine. it got to 11pm",
"and i drove my friend and my girlfriend home.",
"this is how i fucked up... because i had a coffee",
"at roughly 9pm, it was still in my system til",
"about 1am. after around 1.30am i crashed,",
"thinking ill have a nice sleep in the following",
"morning. i was very, very wrong. i woke up at",
"3.30 in the morning to what felt like my stomach",
"twisting itself in a knot, i jumped up straight",
"away and bolted for the toilet, bumping into",
"walls and doors because it was dark and i was",
"disoeiented, eventually waking up my family -",
"which didn't help the situation. for the next",
"half an hour, i was hunched over the toilet,",
"feeling like i was going to explode from both",
"ends. because i hadn't eaten anything, i wasn't",
"able to actually vomit for ages, so i was",
"kneeling there trying to get something up, but to",
"no avail . it got to about 4am, and i finally",
"felt like i was able to fall asleep. fast forward",
"to this morning and i am feeling a little better,",
"but still feel like shit."
] |
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it started about a day ago when i got a virus that friend called me, asking me to go to a dessert which didn't help the situation. for the next
|
511 | 74 | 0.89 | 511 |
so a few months ago, went on a trip to vegas i kept secret from my parents, had an incredible time, but was also bombarded by the corner guys shoving cards with nude photos of girls in your hands. no big deal put them in my dress pants.
fast forward, my great grandmother past away after 93 years this week and i flew out to attend her funeral and took my dress pants. just to make matters worse my extended family is super conservative. long story short, pants were being ironed and my whole family got so see some porn pictures fall out of my pants. -___- and vegas is no longer a secret. i'm destined to be an outcast.
|
went to vegas. porn cards accepted. conservative family saw them right before great grandmas funeral
|
wearing dress pants to my great grandma's funeral
|
[
"so a few months ago, went on a trip to vegas i",
"kept secret from my parents, had an incredible",
"time, but was also bombarded by the corner guys",
"shoving cards with nude photos of girls in your",
"hands. no big deal put them in my dress pants.",
"fast forward, my great grandmother past away",
"after 93 years this week and i flew out to attend",
"her funeral and took my dress pants. just to",
"make matters worse my extended family is super",
"conservative. long story short, pants were being",
"ironed and my whole family got so see some porn",
"pictures fall out of my pants. -___- and vegas is",
"no longer a secret. i'm destined to be an",
"outcast."
] |
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so a few months ago, went on a trip to vegas i ironed and my whole family got so see some porn
|
16 | 30 | 0.65 | 16 |
i drew £10 out of the atm this evening to pay for my half of the pizza. i then proceeded to take my card from the atm and leave the £10. when i got back it was gone and i had to draw another £10 to pay for the pizza.
tifu
|
i spend 4 years at university and i can't even operate an atm properly.
|
paying for pizza
|
[
"i drew £10 out of the atm this evening to pay for",
"my half of the pizza. i then proceeded to take my",
"card from the atm and leave the £10. when i got",
"back it was gone and i had to draw another £10 to",
"pay for the pizza.",
"tifu"
] |
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card from the atm and leave the £10. when i got
|
18 | 15 | 0.8 | 18 |
today i got fired from my job de to friday i got a late invite to big day out and there was no way i was going to miss red hot chilli peppers, i texted my boss i hurt my back and couldn't come in and purposely didn't make any facebook status or subject but only to realise today that i was tagged on a status from a friend when i should've checked this so i could've untagged myself. now i'm out looking for my work
|
went to big day out, boss found out took a sick day for a music festival lost my job
|
going to the music festival big day out and get fired because of it.
|
[
"today i got fired from my job de to friday i got a",
"late invite to big day out and there was no way i",
"was going to miss red hot chilli peppers, i",
"texted my boss i hurt my back and couldn't come",
"in and purposely didn't make any facebook status",
"or subject but only to realise today that i was",
"tagged on a status from a friend when i should've",
"checked this so i could've untagged myself. now",
"i'm out looking for my work"
] |
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today i got fired from my job de to friday i got a late invite to big day out and there was no way i
|
62 | 41 | 0.8 | 62 |
okay, just for starters and for my spitefulness, the surprise was i was going to be taking my girlfriend of almost a year to the beach for a picnic that i was going to cook and was going to play a song i had written her towards the end of it. call it lame or cliche, i really have no arguments against it.
now i knew that she hated surprises, well more of knowing there was a surprise without knowing what it was. but at one point she was going through some serious depression and when the idea sparked i kinda just casually mentioned that if i could get it all together, i'd do something nice for her. it made her happy and that's all that mattered.
then came the constant asking. "tell me what it issss! pleeeeease???" "tell me!" "oh, come oooonnn." i just laughed it off because i thought she was just trying to be cute. oh how wrong i was. last night around midnight or so we're on skype and i just told her no again and i hear her vigorously typing to her friend... i ask her what about and she decides to vent to me how annoyed she is that i'm not telling her about her surprise. you know. because it's a fucking surprise.
now from time to time i can be quite stubborn and have a bit of a temper... i do my best to fix this in relationships by removing myself so we can both composure and we can come back and talk things out. this was no exception, and i told her i'd talk to her later while i tried to think it out... this is greeted by her calling me five minutes later and blowing up on me and saying how selfish i'm being. it continues to get more and more heated so she decides to hang up the phone. of course, this fun game continues for hours of us trying to get the other to see their side of things by talking over each other.
she tells me that she'd rather not have whatever it is at all if i'm not going to tell her. i said fine, less work for me to do. *jesus fuck what beast have i awoken?* i could've put the phone on the other end of the room and heard every word as if she were sitting next to me. eventually she hangs up when i decide to share my piece (albeit i wasn't exactly speaking calmly back).
it finally concludes when she tells me maybe we should take a break. been there, done that. i don't do breaks and respond by saying if she wants to end, then nut up and end it. so she does. and now i suppose i just... well i really don't know. been up all night trying to figure it out and now i have to get ready for work. at least it felt good to say it out loud. now i know i'm not completely in the right because i said some things i shouldn't have, but she did, as well. but the whole premise of how it started baffles me still. thoughts?
|
girlfriend of a year broke up with me after heated argument because i wouldn't tell her a surprise.
|
not telling her the surprise.
|
[
"okay, just for starters and for my spitefulness,",
"the surprise was i was going to be taking my",
"girlfriend of almost a year to the beach for a",
"picnic that i was going to cook and was going to",
"play a song i had written her towards the end of",
"it. call it lame or cliche, i really have no",
"arguments against it.",
"now i knew that she hated surprises, well more of",
"knowing there was a surprise without knowing what",
"it was. but at one point she was going through",
"some serious depression and when the idea sparked",
"i kinda just casually mentioned that if i could",
"get it all together, i'd do something nice for",
"her. it made her happy and that's all that",
"mattered.",
"then came the constant asking. \"tell me what it",
"issss! pleeeeease???\" \"tell me!\" \"oh, come",
"oooonnn.\" i just laughed it off because i",
"thought she was just trying to be cute. oh how",
"wrong i was. last night around midnight or so",
"we're on skype and i just told her no again and i",
"hear her vigorously typing to her friend... i ask",
"her what about and she decides to vent to me how",
"annoyed she is that i'm not telling her about her",
"surprise. you know. because it's a fucking",
"surprise.",
"now from time to time i can be quite stubborn and",
"have a bit of a temper... i do my best to fix",
"this in relationships by removing myself so we",
"can both composure and we can come back and talk",
"things out. this was no exception, and i told",
"her i'd talk to her later while i tried to think",
"it out... this is greeted by her calling me five",
"minutes later and blowing up on me and saying how",
"selfish i'm being. it continues to get more and",
"more heated so she decides to hang up the phone.",
"of course, this fun game continues for hours of",
"us trying to get the other to see their side of",
"things by talking over each other.",
"she tells me that she'd rather not have whatever",
"it is at all if i'm not going to tell her. i",
"said fine, less work for me to do. *jesus fuck",
"what beast have i awoken?* i could've put the",
"phone on the other end of the room and heard",
"every word as if she were sitting next to me.",
"eventually she hangs up when i decide to share my",
"piece (albeit i wasn't exactly speaking calmly",
"back).",
"it finally concludes when she tells me maybe we",
"should take a break. been there, done that. i",
"don't do breaks and respond by saying if she",
"wants to end, then nut up and end it. so she",
"does. and now i suppose i just... well i really",
"don't know. been up all night trying to figure",
"it out and now i have to get ready for work. at",
"least it felt good to say it out loud. now i",
"know i'm not completely in the right because i",
"said some things i shouldn't have, but she did,",
"as well. but the whole premise of how it started",
"baffles me still. thoughts?"
] |
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girlfriend of almost a year to the beach for a oooonnn." i just laughed it off because i
|
448 | 42 | 0.91 | 448 |
so, this morning my schedule and my wife's schedule have overlapping time at home from work. i work nights, she doesn't have to be in until 11 am.
so, i'm a little tired from working my shift, but we haven't had sex in a little while, and i'm kinda horny, so i start going in for the kisses and the touches and the sexy times.
i happen to also have a slight pre-cold, and after a few smooches she pulls back and says, "you know, this would be a lot more attractive if you didn't have a booger in your nose."
at that point i realize that our noses were touching while we were kissing, and she has some (of my) snot on the tip of her nose. i make the big mistake of pointing it out.
"ewww! ew ew ew" punctuated with laughter. laughter? perhaps i still have a chance! "well, it's not that bad..." ohgoddon'tfinishthissentenceshutupshutupshutup. "i mean, you get my semen in you and that's also mucous."
needless to say, that's why i'm laying here typing this up for your amusement instead of getting laid. you're welcome.
|
trying to put on the moves i get snot on wife's nose, try to backpedal by pointing out that semen is also basically snot.
|
snotting on my wife's nose.
|
[
"so, this morning my schedule and my wife's",
"schedule have overlapping time at home from work.",
"i work nights, she doesn't have to be in until 11",
"am.",
"so, i'm a little tired from working my shift, but",
"we haven't had sex in a little while, and i'm",
"kinda horny, so i start going in for the kisses",
"and the touches and the sexy times.",
"i happen to also have a slight pre-cold, and",
"after a few smooches she pulls back and says,",
"\"you know, this would be a lot more attractive if",
"you didn't have a booger in your nose.\"",
"at that point i realize that our noses were",
"touching while we were kissing, and she has some",
"(of my) snot on the tip of her nose. i make the",
"big mistake of pointing it out.",
"\"ewww! ew ew ew\" punctuated with laughter.",
"laughter? perhaps i still have a chance! \"well,",
"it's not that bad...\"",
"ohgoddon'tfinishthissentenceshutupshutupshutup.",
"\"i mean, you get my semen in you and that's also",
"mucous.\"",
"needless to say, that's why i'm laying here",
"typing this up for your amusement instead of",
"getting laid. you're welcome."
] |
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(of my) snot on the tip of her nose. i make the big mistake of pointing it out. "i mean, you get my semen in you and that's also
|
18 | 7 | 0.95 | 18 |
like the title says. this isn't a horrible one but more of a funny one. i am an idiot regardless though.
i work at a church as a videographer/media producer type thing and i need a shot of a candle on a black backdrop.
i head upstairs and grab a candle, it is a simple white one. i also grab a lighter, and then head back to the studio downstairs to start shooting.
i start trying to light the candle, and it doesn't smell good and it's starting to spark, i just assume this is one dumb-ass candle and it will light eventually.
after a couple minutes of failure, my coworker comes into the room and asks what's that smell. i tell him it's this candle that isn't lighting, he comes and grabs the candle from me and looks at the bottom and just starts laughing. only then does it hit me that it was a fake candle and not a real one.
i get a photo taken of me and the candle and now it is the church staff joke being passed around the office.
[the photo of my genuis](https://scontent-a-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1425590_10151964040342225_1444455207_n.jpg)
|
tried to light a battery powered candle, i am laughed at. it's still funny though.
|
trying to light a plastic, battery powered candle.
|
[
"like the title says. this isn't a horrible one but",
"more of a funny one. i am an idiot regardless",
"though.",
"i work at a church as a videographer/media",
"producer type thing and i need a shot of a candle",
"on a black backdrop.",
"i head upstairs and grab a candle, it is a simple",
"white one. i also grab a lighter, and then head",
"back to the studio downstairs to start shooting.",
"i start trying to light the candle, and it",
"doesn't smell good and it's starting to spark, i",
"just assume this is one dumb-ass candle and it",
"will light eventually.",
"after a couple minutes of failure, my coworker",
"comes into the room and asks what's that smell. i",
"tell him it's this candle that isn't lighting, he",
"comes and grabs the candle from me and looks at",
"the bottom and just starts laughing. only then",
"does it hit me that it was a fake candle and not",
"a real one.",
"i get a photo taken of me and the candle and now",
"it is the church staff joke being passed around",
"the office.",
"[the photo of my",
"genuis](https://scontent-a-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphot",
"os-frc3/1425590_10151964040342225_1444455207_n.jpg",
")"
] |
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more of a funny one. i am an idiot regardless i start trying to light the candle, and it
|
0 | 5 | 0.36 | 0 |
so the boyfriend and i went to visit his grandparents because we are nice people.this is my first time meeting them and i was kinda nervous but they were pretty nice and i survived.grandma wanted a handshake before i left so naturally i obliged.i walked away wondering why my hand was sticky.then i remember like 20 minutes before bf and i pulled over to take take of some business.pants business.didn't wash hands after.
|
gave his grandma a nice sticky cum handshake.definitely going to hell.
|
giving his grandma a handshake
|
[
"so the boyfriend and i went to visit his",
"grandparents because we are nice people.this is",
"my first time meeting them and i was kinda",
"nervous but they were pretty nice and i",
"survived.grandma wanted a handshake before i left",
"so naturally i obliged.i walked away wondering",
"why my hand was sticky.then i remember like 20",
"minutes before bf and i pulled over to take take",
"of some business.pants business.didn't wash hands",
"after."
] |
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so the boyfriend and i went to visit his nervous but they were pretty nice and i
|
36 | 16 | 0.81 | 36 |
so, last night i got out of work around midnightish and on the way home i had a craving for something spicy so i picked up some chicken wings from a pizza shop. i get home, eat the wings while redditing a bit, take a shower, say goodnight to my husband, and head to bed around 2 am.
at about 5 i wake up with this stabbing pain in my upper belly, right between the lower w of my ribs. i figure it's indigestion and take some pepto, but it wasn't going away. in fact, it was getting worse. i start pacing the apartment because laying down hurt the most, but standing made it hurt less. my husband wakes up and asks what's wrong, and i tell him. he asks if i had a bowel movement recently, and suggests that might be the problem.
i'm game for trying anything, so i go, sit on the toilet, and the pain immediately gets worse. i give up trying to poop and at this point i'm crying. i have a pretty high pain tolerance, but i've *never* felt anything like this before.
my husband then makes a suggestion i was honestly dreading; "maybe we need to go to the hospital."
we recently married, and although i'm getting on his insurance, it doesn't kick in until the beginning of the year. we have very little savings - nowhere near enough to cover a hospital visit even if it's not something terribly serious.
i tell him to wait a bit, maybe it'll get better. he goes online to find a phone number to the er to see what they suggest. he called three different hospital's listed er numbers, and not a single one was a valid number.
while this is going on and my husband is freaking out, i'm feeling overwarm and sweaty, i assumed from all the pacing and worry and pain, so i started to shed my sweatpants and t-shirt that i went to bed in, and turned the temp down. i'm still pacing, even though i could barely stay vertical at this point due to the terrible pain. at times i just crumple up and cry into the carpet.
at one point, just trying to find a position that's comfortable, i draped myself over the back of my recliner. sudden nausea just swamped over me, and i straightened up pretty quickly. i tell my husband that at that point i felt, "if i could just throw up, maybe that'll help."
ever have those moments when you suddenly realize, hey, that's not such a bad idea? those sudden epiphany moments? i go into the kitchen and i grab a bucket, and my husband says, "do you think you need to-" right as i held the bucket up into my face and puked.
"guess that answers that question," he said, as i continued to throw up.
once i stopped, he rubbed my back and asked me how i felt.
i considered for a moment, and told him, "good as new." the terrible stomach pain? completely gone. i wasn't even warm anymore. in fact, i was pretty cold since i was in my underwear in a freezing apartment.
i rinsed my mouth out, brushed my teeth, got dressed and went back to bed. my husband was wide-awake, so he played civ for a couple hours and followed me.
hours later, i'm perfectly fine.
the wings were pretty tasty though.
|
:fucking food poisoning.
|
eating chicken wings from a pizza shop
|
[
"so, last night i got out of work around",
"midnightish and on the way home i had a craving",
"for something spicy so i picked up some chicken",
"wings from a pizza shop. i get home, eat the",
"wings while redditing a bit, take a shower, say",
"goodnight to my husband, and head to bed around 2",
"am.",
"at about 5 i wake up with this stabbing pain in",
"my upper belly, right between the lower w of my",
"ribs. i figure it's indigestion and take some",
"pepto, but it wasn't going away. in fact, it was",
"getting worse. i start pacing the apartment",
"because laying down hurt the most, but standing",
"made it hurt less. my husband wakes up and asks",
"what's wrong, and i tell him. he asks if i had a",
"bowel movement recently, and suggests that might",
"be the problem.",
"i'm game for trying anything, so i go, sit on the",
"toilet, and the pain immediately gets worse. i",
"give up trying to poop and at this point i'm",
"crying. i have a pretty high pain tolerance, but",
"i've *never* felt anything like this before.",
"my husband then makes a suggestion i was honestly",
"dreading; \"maybe we need to go to the hospital.\"",
"we recently married, and although i'm getting on",
"his insurance, it doesn't kick in until the",
"beginning of the year. we have very little",
"savings - nowhere near enough to cover a hospital",
"visit even if it's not something terribly",
"serious.",
"i tell him to wait a bit, maybe it'll get better.",
"he goes online to find a phone number to the er",
"to see what they suggest. he called three",
"different hospital's listed er numbers, and not a",
"single one was a valid number.",
"while this is going on and my husband is freaking",
"out, i'm feeling overwarm and sweaty, i assumed",
"from all the pacing and worry and pain, so i",
"started to shed my sweatpants and t-shirt that i",
"went to bed in, and turned the temp down. i'm",
"still pacing, even though i could barely stay",
"vertical at this point due to the terrible pain.",
"at times i just crumple up and cry into the",
"carpet.",
"at one point, just trying to find a position",
"that's comfortable, i draped myself over the back",
"of my recliner. sudden nausea just swamped over",
"me, and i straightened up pretty quickly. i tell",
"my husband that at that point i felt, \"if i could",
"just throw up, maybe that'll help.\"",
"ever have those moments when you suddenly",
"realize, hey, that's not such a bad idea? those",
"sudden epiphany moments? i go into the kitchen",
"and i grab a bucket, and my husband says, \"do you",
"think you need to-\" right as i held the bucket up",
"into my face and puked.",
"\"guess that answers that question,\" he said, as i",
"continued to throw up.",
"once i stopped, he rubbed my back and asked me",
"how i felt.",
"i considered for a moment, and told him, \"good as",
"new.\" the terrible stomach pain? completely gone.",
"i wasn't even warm anymore. in fact, i was pretty",
"cold since i was in my underwear in a freezing",
"apartment.",
"i rinsed my mouth out, brushed my teeth, got",
"dressed and went back to bed. my husband was",
"wide-awake, so he played civ for a couple hours",
"and followed me.",
"hours later, i'm perfectly fine.",
"the wings were pretty tasty though."
] |
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81 | 27 | 0.9 | 81 |
so yeah, last night i had a pretty busy anus. farted quite a bit and quite hard. soon after i started feeling discomfort in my ass. dismissed it as just an itch.
woke up this morning and the 'itch' was still there. wrapped my finger around some toilet paper and i felt the dreaded bump. i now have a hemorrhoid.
|
farted, hemorrhoid ensued.
|
farting too hard and getting a hemorrhoid.
|
[
"so yeah, last night i had a pretty busy anus.",
"farted quite a bit and quite hard. soon after i",
"started feeling discomfort in my ass. dismissed",
"it as just an itch.",
"woke up this morning and the 'itch' was still",
"there. wrapped my finger around some toilet paper",
"and i felt the dreaded bump. i now have a",
"hemorrhoid."
] |
[
0,
0,
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hemorrhoid.
|
13 | 6 | 0.77 | 13 |
i took a client to a lake to discuss all sorts of business for winktiddlersltd. we ended up basically having a picnic and not short thereafter he gets a phone call. so i, having my sketchbook, decide to the a sketch of the fauna i see. my client ended up seeing me and with my sketchbook and came over. he told me that he isn't sure if buying x item wouldn't be a good idea for him but that he'd keep it in mind. he asks to look through my sketchbook and sits down on the edge of the lake. i go to use the restroom and when i come back i can tell that something's amiss. his eyes give it away and then he regretfully informs me that my sketchbook fell into the lake but that it would just decompose over time, that it wouldn't hurt the environment . and he then leaves. without a sorry.
|
one of my clients actually recycles
|
taking a client on a business picnic
|
[
"i took a client to a lake to discuss all sorts of",
"business for winktiddlersltd. we ended up",
"basically having a picnic and not short",
"thereafter he gets a phone call. so i, having my",
"sketchbook, decide to the a sketch of the fauna i",
"see. my client ended up seeing me and with my",
"sketchbook and came over. he told me that he",
"isn't sure if buying x item wouldn't be a good",
"idea for him but that he'd keep it in mind. he",
"asks to look through my sketchbook and sits down",
"on the edge of the lake. i go to use the restroom",
"and when i come back i can tell that something's",
"amiss. his eyes give it away and then he",
"regretfully informs me that my sketchbook fell",
"into the lake but that it would just decompose",
"over time, that it wouldn't hurt the environment",
". and he then leaves. without a sorry."
] |
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regretfully informs me that my sketchbook fell
|
14 | 10 | 0.64 | 14 |
this actually happened a couple months ago, but i guess i forgot to write about it. it probably wasn't that bad of a fuck up, but i still feel like a complete asshole for it.
first a little back story: a few years ago i was visiting my family in the us (i grew up and live in brazil), a woman fighting for gay rights on the street coerced me into registering myself and to make a donation. as a bisexual, i am all for gay rights, but i've never been a big fan of people on the streets just insisting on you to register and give them money, but since i am a push-over, it was exactly what i did.
since i live in brazil, i just gave my grandparent's address. which was probably not the best idea since they are kinda homophobic.
fast forward a year or so, and i am visiting my grandparents again. i am in a hurry to go out to do something, and the phone rings for me, which is odd since i don't live there.
i picked it up and hear a very electronic voice on the other side: "hi! we are calling you on behalf of the gay rights blablabla association to...". i really really thought it was one of those recordings, and panicked because i didn't want my grandfather to find out, so i yelled out "oh my god!" and immediately hung up.
my dad, who was the one who originally picked up the phone looked at me a bit surprised and just said: "why did you do that?" and i explained him that i didn't want them calling me there because of my grandfather and stuff and i wasn't in the mood to deal with those electronic messages. he then told me it was actually a guy named steve. i immediately felt like a complete asshole for doing so and could never call the number back and had no idea what the association's name was.
so i am sorry for being an asshole steve! if you are out there reading this, i am sorry! if anyone knows a steve working for some kind of gay association, please tell him i am sorry!
thank you for listening!
|
yelled "oh my god!" and hung up on a gay's rights activist because i thought it was a recorded phone call, feel like a complete asshole for it.
|
thinking a guy calling me was one of those annoying recording phone calls
|
[
"this actually happened a couple months ago, but i",
"guess i forgot to write about it. it probably",
"wasn't that bad of a fuck up, but i still feel",
"like a complete asshole for it.",
"first a little back story: a few years ago i was",
"visiting my family in the us (i grew up and live",
"in brazil), a woman fighting for gay rights on",
"the street coerced me into registering myself and",
"to make a donation. as a bisexual, i am all for",
"gay rights, but i've never been a big fan of",
"people on the streets just insisting on you to",
"register and give them money, but since i am a",
"push-over, it was exactly what i did.",
"since i live in brazil, i just gave my",
"grandparent's address. which was probably not the",
"best idea since they are kinda homophobic.",
"fast forward a year or so, and i am visiting my",
"grandparents again. i am in a hurry to go out to",
"do something, and the phone rings for me, which",
"is odd since i don't live there.",
"i picked it up and hear a very electronic voice",
"on the other side: \"hi! we are calling you on",
"behalf of the gay rights blablabla association",
"to...\". i really really thought it was one of",
"those recordings, and panicked because i didn't",
"want my grandfather to find out, so i yelled out",
"\"oh my god!\" and immediately hung up.",
"my dad, who was the one who originally picked up",
"the phone looked at me a bit surprised and just",
"said: \"why did you do that?\" and i explained him",
"that i didn't want them calling me there because",
"of my grandfather and stuff and i wasn't in the",
"mood to deal with those electronic messages. he",
"then told me it was actually a guy named steve. i",
"immediately felt like a complete asshole for",
"doing so and could never call the number back and",
"had no idea what the association's name was.",
"so i am sorry for being an asshole steve! if you",
"are out there reading this, i am sorry! if anyone",
"knows a steve working for some kind of gay",
"association, please tell him i am sorry!",
"thank you for listening!"
] |
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like a complete asshole for it. to...". i really really thought it was one of "oh my god!" and immediately hung up.
|
11 | 7 | 0.66 | 11 |
contrary to the other tales i've heard on here, this one did not involve a van.
i bought a pair of koss sx-30 speakers from woot.com a few days ago. they arrived today, and i was so excited to try them out that i went out and bought a 6v dc adapter like it said, plugged it in, turned it on... and nothing.
nowhere in the instructions does it say an amperage level for the adapter, so i got a 6v/1a adapter, thinking it would be fine. however, no sound comes out at all.
i called koss customer support, and they kindly informed me that, while they haven't sold speakers for 15 years (switching solely to headphones and accessories at that time) they can check the history and old manuals, and see if there's a listed amperage there. they came up with nothing.
so now i'm out $55, but on the bright side, i have a shiny new adaptaplug power cord. lesson learned: always do brand research before buying online.
|
bought speakers online as overstock, didn't research the brand, and only today discovered that they're absolute crap. (and probably 15 years old)**
|
got white-van scammed
|
[
"contrary to the other tales i've heard on here,",
"this one did not involve a van.",
"i bought a pair of koss sx-30 speakers from",
"woot.com a few days ago. they arrived today, and",
"i was so excited to try them out that i went out",
"and bought a 6v dc adapter like it said, plugged",
"it in, turned it on... and nothing.",
"nowhere in the instructions does it say an",
"amperage level for the adapter, so i got a 6v/1a",
"adapter, thinking it would be fine. however, no",
"sound comes out at all.",
"i called koss customer support, and they kindly",
"informed me that, while they haven't sold",
"speakers for 15 years (switching solely to",
"headphones and accessories at that time) they can",
"check the history and old manuals, and see if",
"there's a listed amperage there. they came up",
"with nothing.",
"so now i'm out $55, but on the bright side, i",
"have a shiny new adaptaplug power cord. lesson",
"learned: always do brand research before buying",
"online."
] |
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speakers for 15 years (switching solely to check the history and old manuals, and see if learned: always do brand research before buying online.
|
20 | 14 | 0.65 | 20 |
my lady has cats and dogs in her house. she keeps a grumpy old cat in her room to keep him from fighting with the others. i am very allergic to cats and will break out in hives from skin contact. *cue in the sexy times with my lady and her boyfriend*. i asked them to flip the blanket over to avoid getting cat hair all over me, but lo and behold that shit was everywhere. in the midst of it all, i look down to see this red inflamed skin around my lady bits and the most indescribably horrible itching in my vagina (maybe stds are worst? who knows). like a champ, i didn't stop. afterwards, i did rush to the bathroom though and give myself quite the scrubbing.
edit: haha maybe i'll have to make a more detailed post to r/polyamory or r/sex...
|
have an awesome threesome, but pay for it by getting cat hair and dander all over my lady bits (i'm allergic to cats).
|
getting an allergic reaction to pussy on my pussy
|
[
"my lady has cats and dogs in her house. she keeps",
"a grumpy old cat in her room to keep him from",
"fighting with the others. i am very allergic to",
"cats and will break out in hives from skin",
"contact. *cue in the sexy times with my lady and",
"her boyfriend*. i asked them to flip the blanket",
"over to avoid getting cat hair all over me, but",
"lo and behold that shit was everywhere. in the",
"midst of it all, i look down to see this red",
"inflamed skin around my lady bits and the most",
"indescribably horrible itching in my vagina",
"(maybe stds are worst? who knows). like a champ,",
"i didn't stop. afterwards, i did rush to the",
"bathroom though and give myself quite the",
"scrubbing.",
"edit: haha maybe i'll have to make a more",
"detailed post to r/polyamory or r/sex..."
] |
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] |
over to avoid getting cat hair all over me, but inflamed skin around my lady bits and the most
|
46 | 15 | 0.89 | 46 |
so i was getting a water bottle this morning and i had some crystal light. (for those of you that don't know what crystal light is, it is a powder you put in your water to make it taste amazing) so i was quite tired and forgot to pour some water out of the bottle so it wouldn't overflow when i put the crystal light in. as i'm pouring, my cat decides this would be a good time to distract me and starts pawing and rubbing against my leg. so i look down for a few seconds and look back up to notice the powder was overflowing. that was mistake number 1. mistake number 2 was putting my mouth over the overflowing water bottle while inhaling at the same time. now crystal light before it dissolves in the water and tastes good it is the strongest thing you will ever inhale and has an absolutely brutal taste. it also turns into this gelatin like substance when it gets moist but hasn't dissolved. so i'm inhaling as i put the bottle in my mouth to prevent the counter from getting super sticky. i start coughing from the powder which must have gotten into my lungs. to make it even worse the combined flavour of the powder and gelatin-like substance made me puke because it was so strong. so i tried getting to the bathroom before i vomit more but alas, i slipped in my puke and landed in it... that's right... right into my own puke. the flavour i used was raspberry so it was red... and actually looked like blood. my dad comes up and has a look in his eyes that says "wtf just happened? do we need an ambulance?" i couldn't blame him... i was lying in my own puke that looked like blood. i managed to get out between coughs and some dry heaves that nothing was wrong and that it was just the crystal light. he ended up laughing after he realized what happened and told me to clean up the mess after i took another shower. so i did just that, took a shower and cleaned up the mess i made.
|
got distracted while putting water flavouring in my water bottle, started to overflow, i put my mouth over it to stop, inhaled some powder and ate some gelatin crap that was created, vomited and slipped into my own puke.
|
inhaling water flavouring
|
[
"so i was getting a water bottle this morning and i",
"had some crystal light. (for those of you that",
"don't know what crystal light is, it is a powder",
"you put in your water to make it taste amazing)",
"so i was quite tired and forgot to pour some",
"water out of the bottle so it wouldn't overflow",
"when i put the crystal light in. as i'm pouring,",
"my cat decides this would be a good time to",
"distract me and starts pawing and rubbing against",
"my leg. so i look down for a few seconds and look",
"back up to notice the powder was overflowing.",
"that was mistake number 1. mistake number 2 was",
"putting my mouth over the overflowing water",
"bottle while inhaling at the same time. now",
"crystal light before it dissolves in the water",
"and tastes good it is the strongest thing you",
"will ever inhale and has an absolutely brutal",
"taste. it also turns into this gelatin like",
"substance when it gets moist but hasn't",
"dissolved. so i'm inhaling as i put the bottle in",
"my mouth to prevent the counter from getting",
"super sticky. i start coughing from the powder",
"which must have gotten into my lungs. to make it",
"even worse the combined flavour of the powder and",
"gelatin-like substance made me puke because it",
"was so strong. so i tried getting to the bathroom",
"before i vomit more but alas, i slipped in my",
"puke and landed in it... that's right... right",
"into my own puke. the flavour i used was",
"raspberry so it was red... and actually looked",
"like blood. my dad comes up and has a look in his",
"eyes that says \"wtf just happened? do we need an",
"ambulance?\" i couldn't blame him... i was lying",
"in my own puke that looked like blood. i managed",
"to get out between coughs and some dry heaves",
"that nothing was wrong and that it was just the",
"crystal light. he ended up laughing after he",
"realized what happened and told me to clean up",
"the mess after i took another shower. so i did",
"just that, took a shower and cleaned up the mess",
"i made."
] |
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water out of the bottle so it wouldn't overflow putting my mouth over the overflowing water even worse the combined flavour of the powder and into my own puke. the flavour i used was in my own puke that looked like blood. i managed
|
20 | 1 | 0.79 | 20 |
so what happened was that my friend was having a bad day, thinking she was good for nothing. i was sitting right beside her, trying to cheer her up, and i was going to give her a hug and tell her she's perfect, when i drove my elbow onto her nose really, really hard. nosebleeding all over the place!
so. much. blood.
now her nose is sore, red and stuffy. i'm a great friend, huh?
|
my friend has a major nosebleed, thanks to my elbow. also, she's perfect.
|
elbowing my friend in the face while trying to boost her self-esteem.
|
[
"so what happened was that my friend was having a",
"bad day, thinking she was good for nothing. i was",
"sitting right beside her, trying to cheer her up,",
"and i was going to give her a hug and tell her",
"she's perfect, when i drove my elbow onto her",
"nose really, really hard. nosebleeding all over",
"the place!",
"so. much. blood.",
"now her nose is sore, red and stuffy. i'm a great",
"friend, huh?"
] |
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] |
she's perfect, when i drove my elbow onto her friend, huh?
|
17 | 27 | 0.64 | 17 |
this is a throwaway since some people at my school use reddit. some back-story on this the school i got to has programs that allow them to see your screen and record you history so i found out that if i create a bat file that keeps ending the process so they could not see the screen. i also provided some students a proxy to allow them to get on sites that are blocked at school along with some games such as halo minecraft a super mario brawl clone and some emulators. a few of the people have already said i made it about 10ish. most people got about 1 day iss some got 2 depending on how much you used. they have not called me up to the office yet however i think they will on monday. also they banned the use of flash drives for some people.
school.
edit: once i get my suspension ticket i'll post a picture.
|
15 year kid makes simple batch file gets 50+ students in iss and is consider infamous hacker by half the
|
getting 50+ students iss
|
[
"this is a throwaway since some people at my school",
"use reddit. some back-story on this the school i",
"got to has programs that allow them to see your",
"screen and record you history so i found out that",
"if i create a bat file that keeps ending the",
"process so they could not see the screen. i also",
"provided some students a proxy to allow them to",
"get on sites that are blocked at school along",
"with some games such as halo minecraft a super",
"mario brawl clone and some emulators. a few of",
"the people have already said i made it about",
"10ish. most people got about 1 day iss some got 2",
"depending on how much you used. they have not",
"called me up to the office yet however i think",
"they will on monday. also they banned the use of",
"flash drives for some people.",
"school.",
"edit: once i get my suspension ticket i'll post a",
"picture."
] |
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if i create a bat file that keeps ending the provided some students a proxy to allow them to mario brawl clone and some emulators. a few of
|
41 | 9 | 0.89 | 41 |
so this story goes back to last friday. i had what felt like food poisoning, and it was rather nasty. once i got home from work i abandoned all my plans, wound up in the bathroom exploding from both ends. saturday i felt like death warmed over. sunday was better. monday it went downhill again, and tuesday i wound up having to call off work because of how horrible i felt.
i thought it was food poisoning, like i said. so tuesday i stay in bed most of the morning, completely sick to my stomach. around 2pm i get up, use the restroom, and with the most satisfying explosive diarrhea you can imagine i felt the sickness drain out of my ass. i was better. i felt amazing.
so monday night my housemates had started feeling sick. i was unaware, sequestered in my room and suffering my own sickness. i didn't see them at all tuesday, and wednesday when i got home from work i walked in to hear one of my housemates puking violently. the other two i didn't see at all, all night.
come around to yesterday. i get home, once more to the same guy being violently ill. i walk downstairs to check on him, and he's in a bad state. he looks at me and says "i haven't kept water down in 4 days, i need to go to the er."
i sigh, feeling guilty because i released this plague, and take him to the er. we get him checked in, he's dehydrated, they do some blood tests, give him 2 bags of saline, some medicine for nausea. after a couple hours of he's feeling much better, we're laughing and joking. i was out til almost 1am. . .
get home, find out that my other housemates had gone to the er on wednesday night, and that's why i hadn't seen them at all.
|
didn't quarantine myself when i was violently ill, spread debilitating plague to the rest of the house, hospitalizing 2
|
releasing a plague on my housemates
|
[
"so this story goes back to last friday. i had what",
"felt like food poisoning, and it was rather",
"nasty. once i got home from work i abandoned all",
"my plans, wound up in the bathroom exploding from",
"both ends. saturday i felt like death warmed",
"over. sunday was better. monday it went downhill",
"again, and tuesday i wound up having to call off",
"work because of how horrible i felt.",
"i thought it was food poisoning, like i said. so",
"tuesday i stay in bed most of the morning,",
"completely sick to my stomach. around 2pm i get",
"up, use the restroom, and with the most",
"satisfying explosive diarrhea you can imagine i",
"felt the sickness drain out of my ass. i was",
"better. i felt amazing.",
"so monday night my housemates had started feeling",
"sick. i was unaware, sequestered in my room and",
"suffering my own sickness. i didn't see them at",
"all tuesday, and wednesday when i got home from",
"work i walked in to hear one of my housemates",
"puking violently. the other two i didn't see at",
"all, all night.",
"come around to yesterday. i get home, once more",
"to the same guy being violently ill. i walk",
"downstairs to check on him, and he's in a bad",
"state. he looks at me and says \"i haven't kept",
"water down in 4 days, i need to go to the er.\"",
"i sigh, feeling guilty because i released this",
"plague, and take him to the er. we get him",
"checked in, he's dehydrated, they do some blood",
"tests, give him 2 bags of saline, some medicine",
"for nausea. after a couple hours of he's feeling",
"much better, we're laughing and joking. i was out",
"til almost 1am. . .",
"get home, find out that my other housemates had",
"gone to the er on wednesday night, and that's why",
"i hadn't seen them at all."
] |
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felt the sickness drain out of my ass. i was to the same guy being violently ill. i walk
|
15 | 7 | 0.75 | 15 |
so this actually happened in december, but it just occurred to me that it makes a pretty good tifu.
i play roller derby, and on dec 1st i was skating in my very first bout. it's our first bout of the season, so everyone's nervous and excited. since i'm a rookie, all of the vet skaters start telling me their bout-prep rituals, like painting their fingernails white (to prevent injury? lol) and drinking jack3d, a crazy sports drink from gnc. i turned down the nail polish but accepted the jack3d. here lies my folly.
so we skate through the first half and things are going well. my team's leading substantially, but they have this one jammer (the chick who scores the points by passing skaters on our team) who keeps breaking through our defense. a few minutes into the second half, i go in as a blocker. i see that jammer coming up on the outside, and my captain yells to me "go get that bitch!" or something like that.
here's the problem. when you drink jack3d, you generally feel like you're superman. you have all the energy, all the power, all the rawr.
i threw the entire force of my 170 lb body into that jammer using my shoulder. i hit her so hard that i broke my own collar bone.
|
i drank jack3d before playing roller derby and it made me feel so invincible that i ended up in the er.
|
drinking jack3d
|
[
"so this actually happened in december, but it just",
"occurred to me that it makes a pretty good tifu.",
"i play roller derby, and on dec 1st i was skating",
"in my very first bout. it's our first bout of the",
"season, so everyone's nervous and excited. since",
"i'm a rookie, all of the vet skaters start",
"telling me their bout-prep rituals, like painting",
"their fingernails white (to prevent injury? lol)",
"and drinking jack3d, a crazy sports drink from",
"gnc. i turned down the nail polish but accepted",
"the jack3d. here lies my folly.",
"so we skate through the first half and things are",
"going well. my team's leading substantially, but",
"they have this one jammer (the chick who scores",
"the points by passing skaters on our team) who",
"keeps breaking through our defense. a few minutes",
"into the second half, i go in as a blocker. i see",
"that jammer coming up on the outside, and my",
"captain yells to me \"go get that bitch!\" or",
"something like that.",
"here's the problem. when you drink jack3d, you",
"generally feel like you're superman. you have all",
"the energy, all the power, all the rawr.",
"i threw the entire force of my 170 lb body into",
"that jammer using my shoulder. i hit her so hard",
"that i broke my own collar bone."
] |
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] |
so this actually happened in december, but it just i play roller derby, and on dec 1st i was skating that jammer coming up on the outside, and my
|
0 | 15 | 0.43 | 0 |
**<disclaimer:>**
i am 15 years old, not a swagfag, not a yoloer and (i hope) not immature/obnoxious.
**</disclaimer>**
so i have a friend who i met when he was new to the school at the beginning of the year. he seemed like a relatively good friend except for one infuriating detail. he lies/d. a lot. he seemed to always have a friend or an uncle who was *conveniently* interesting and relevant to the current conversation. he also claimed to be making a fps game in html5, which is not a programming language, or even released yet, and (to my knowledge) it is very difficult and/or impossible to make a game of that caliber in a markup language. he also explained to me the plot of the game, it was the most made up on the spot bullshit i have heard in my short, inexperienced life.
about a month ago, i was working with him and another old friend, lets call him cameron, on a group project. me and the old friend would get together and work on the project, but the new friend (lets call him bill) would always have a convenient appointment or previous plan with no other previous warnings. this happened three times during the allotted time to work on the project. i let him remain part of the group, even though he did nothing, and the mark was completely mine and cameron's.
just before the march break we received another group project, and me and cameron were partners, then he sort of invited himself into the group (mildly annoying/worrying). i kept my chin up and hoped he would work on the project. i was on vacation over the march break, and was unable to work on the project, i asked my group members to start researching. i came back and they hadn't started. (slightly more annoying/worrying) i took charge and told them what they should do to make the project as good as we could in the three days we had to finish. first day bill had a psychiatrist appointment for some very fake looking twitches. anger level 25%. the next day cameron came over to plan it out, while bill had a spontaneous baby-sitting job. (dae teenager?!?!) anger level 50%. we told bill he could do a poster, cameron was doing a model and i was making a video. things were good. me and cameron had finished, but we were unable to reach bill. 75%. now comes this morning. me and cameron walk in the classroom ready to present the project, and lowe and behold, guess who's not there? motherfucking bill. 90%. we present, and we do fine, but bill kind of fucked us over. 100%.
rage mode kicked in and i texted him a very calm message telling him that i was sorry but he couldn't take credit for his share of the project because it was non-existent. he replied "i'm at the hospital. about my twitching." i didn't really believe him, i told him and he said "i don't care that i'm not getting credit for the project. i didn't know i was going to cough blood this morning god damnit." why would he add another symptom that is totally unrelated? i decided that this was sufficient evidence that he was in fact not in a hospital. "so that's fine. i'm sitting in a hospital, they've been taking blood and testing me for a while" sounds semi-legitimate. continuing on the same text "i did the poster, but i don't think you need it anymore." oh, i don't need it anymore? i told him i didn't believe that he did it (still don't, still the day of this incident) and asked for pictures asap. he said " i'm in a god damn hospital jackass! i will send them as soon as i get home." i asked kindly for a picture of the hospital. 15 minutes later i was pleased because i hadn't gotten a reply yet, then he sent a legitimate looking picture of his foot, he was laying on his back in what appeared to be a quarantine type thing in the emergency room.
did i fuck up, and if so, how badly?
sorry about the commas, i know some of them may be misplaced. i seem to have a thing for them lately.
|
fuck group work.
|
doubting a "friend" was in the hospital.
|
[
"**<disclaimer:>**",
"i am 15 years old, not a swagfag, not a yoloer",
"and (i hope) not immature/obnoxious.",
"**</disclaimer>**",
"so i have a friend who i met when he was new to",
"the school at the beginning of the year. he",
"seemed like a relatively good friend except for",
"one infuriating detail. he lies/d. a lot. he",
"seemed to always have a friend or an uncle who",
"was *conveniently* interesting and relevant to",
"the current conversation. he also claimed to be",
"making a fps game in html5, which is not a",
"programming language, or even released yet, and",
"(to my knowledge) it is very difficult and/or",
"impossible to make a game of that caliber in a",
"markup language. he also explained to me the plot",
"of the game, it was the most made up on the spot",
"bullshit i have heard in my short, inexperienced",
"life.",
"about a month ago, i was working with him and",
"another old friend, lets call him cameron, on a",
"group project. me and the old friend would get",
"together and work on the project, but the new",
"friend (lets call him bill) would always have a",
"convenient appointment or previous plan with no",
"other previous warnings. this happened three",
"times during the allotted time to work on the",
"project. i let him remain part of the group, even",
"though he did nothing, and the mark was",
"completely mine and cameron's.",
"just before the march break we received another",
"group project, and me and cameron were partners,",
"then he sort of invited himself into the group",
"(mildly annoying/worrying). i kept my chin up and",
"hoped he would work on the project. i was on",
"vacation over the march break, and was unable to",
"work on the project, i asked my group members to",
"start researching. i came back and they hadn't",
"started. (slightly more annoying/worrying) i took",
"charge and told them what they should do to make",
"the project as good as we could in the three days",
"we had to finish. first day bill had a",
"psychiatrist appointment for some very fake",
"looking twitches. anger level 25%. the next day",
"cameron came over to plan it out, while bill had",
"a spontaneous baby-sitting job. (dae",
"teenager?!?!) anger level 50%. we told bill he",
"could do a poster, cameron was doing a model and",
"i was making a video. things were good. me and",
"cameron had finished, but we were unable to reach",
"bill. 75%. now comes this morning. me and cameron",
"walk in the classroom ready to present the",
"project, and lowe and behold, guess who's not",
"there? motherfucking bill. 90%. we present, and",
"we do fine, but bill kind of fucked us over.",
"100%.",
"rage mode kicked in and i texted him a very calm",
"message telling him that i was sorry but he",
"couldn't take credit for his share of the project",
"because it was non-existent. he replied \"i'm at",
"the hospital. about my twitching.\" i didn't",
"really believe him, i told him and he said \"i",
"don't care that i'm not getting credit for the",
"project. i didn't know i was going to cough blood",
"this morning god damnit.\" why would he add",
"another symptom that is totally unrelated? i",
"decided that this was sufficient evidence that he",
"was in fact not in a hospital. \"so that's fine.",
"i'm sitting in a hospital, they've been taking",
"blood and testing me for a while\" sounds",
"semi-legitimate. continuing on the same text \"i",
"did the poster, but i don't think you need it",
"anymore.\" oh, i don't need it anymore? i told him",
"i didn't believe that he did it (still don't,",
"still the day of this incident) and asked for",
"pictures asap. he said \" i'm in a god damn",
"hospital jackass! i will send them as soon as i",
"get home.\" i asked kindly for a picture of the",
"hospital. 15 minutes later i was pleased because",
"i hadn't gotten a reply yet, then he sent a",
"legitimate looking picture of his foot, he was",
"laying on his back in what appeared to be a",
"quarantine type thing in the emergency room.",
"did i fuck up, and if so, how badly?",
"sorry about the commas, i know some of them may",
"be misplaced. i seem to have a thing for them",
"lately."
] |
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work on the project, i asked my group members to
|
954 | 103 | 0.94 | 954 |
i went to the chiropractor and after they are done popping your joints they hook up to these two electrode things on your lower back that shock you. the idea is to kind of half ass short circuit your nerve endings and also loosen and strengthen up the muscles. so you lay down they hook these things up. they ask you to tell them when its comfortable or not, the problem is though no matter how high you start it out at it, it doesn't feel like much 30 seconds later. so i was laying there and i got numb to it so i tried turning the thing up. there's two electrodes two knobs so i turn them both up. it seems like only one knob is controlling it, so im guessing i can only feel one of the electrodes so i turn them both up. 30 seconds later numb again so i do same thing. i do this 4 times until the point where the lights in the office are flickering my whole lower body is spasming and it feels like im gaining some sort of super power.
30 seconds later i put them both on max. there is a curtain around me so they can't see what im doing. it's extremely intense but it also feels really good. all the meanwhile i hear slight yelps from person who is laying next to me, its an older woman and im thinking "wow, your having problems with your little quarter turn? you should try this thing on the setting i have it on" so the thing beeps after 10 minutes or so because apparently in 2013 we have yet to progress the alarm system on this machine and it sounds like an egg timer goes off. so the thing bings; my time is up.
they pull back the curtain i see the older woman next to me her face is in complete agony she's complaining to the nurse about how the machine kept shocking her and getting more and more intense every 30 seconds. i immediately realize the second knob, the one i couldn't feel was going to her. i've been making this bitch next to me feel like she's in guantanamo bay. the nurse knows whats up because she's probably never in her life put the machine on full blast motherfucker mode. she asks me if i was experiencing the same thing...i lie and tell her no..and now i have 6 or so more awkward sessions involving the nurse who thinks im a sadist torturing an old woman next to me.
**
|
i gave an old woman the shocker at the chiropractor's office.**
|
at the chiropractor's office
|
[
"i went to the chiropractor and after they are done",
"popping your joints they hook up to these two",
"electrode things on your lower back that shock",
"you. the idea is to kind of half ass short",
"circuit your nerve endings and also loosen and",
"strengthen up the muscles. so you lay down they",
"hook these things up. they ask you to tell them",
"when its comfortable or not, the problem is",
"though no matter how high you start it out at it,",
"it doesn't feel like much 30 seconds later. so i",
"was laying there and i got numb to it so i tried",
"turning the thing up. there's two electrodes two",
"knobs so i turn them both up. it seems like only",
"one knob is controlling it, so im guessing i can",
"only feel one of the electrodes so i turn them",
"both up. 30 seconds later numb again so i do same",
"thing. i do this 4 times until the point where",
"the lights in the office are flickering my whole",
"lower body is spasming and it feels like im",
"gaining some sort of super power.",
"30 seconds later i put them both on max. there is",
"a curtain around me so they can't see what im",
"doing. it's extremely intense but it also feels",
"really good. all the meanwhile i hear slight",
"yelps from person who is laying next to me, its",
"an older woman and im thinking \"wow, your having",
"problems with your little quarter turn? you",
"should try this thing on the setting i have it",
"on\" so the thing beeps after 10 minutes or so",
"because apparently in 2013 we have yet to",
"progress the alarm system on this machine and it",
"sounds like an egg timer goes off. so the thing",
"bings; my time is up.",
"they pull back the curtain i see the older woman",
"next to me her face is in complete agony she's",
"complaining to the nurse about how the machine",
"kept shocking her and getting more and more",
"intense every 30 seconds. i immediately realize",
"the second knob, the one i couldn't feel was",
"going to her. i've been making this bitch next to",
"me feel like she's in guantanamo bay. the nurse",
"knows whats up because she's probably never in",
"her life put the machine on full blast",
"motherfucker mode. she asks me if i was",
"experiencing the same thing...i lie and tell her",
"no..and now i have 6 or so more awkward sessions",
"involving the nurse who thinks im a sadist",
"torturing an old woman next to me.",
"**"
] |
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torturing an old woman next to me.
|
91 | 97 | 0.65 | 91 |
so today's a great sunday in the northeast usa, so my father and i decided to grab our bikes and head for the bike trail on the other side of town. supposedly, other people had the same idea, so said bike trail is jam-packed with bikers, joggers, and sunday-strollers.
my dad and i decided that, because the place was packed, we'd take the bicycle-only path. however, we notice a variety of people on the path, and despite a hint of agitation, we let them do their thing and go off on our way.
now, this path has two main rules. the first one, i already shared: bicycles only. the second one i haven't yet hit: participants must bike in a straight line: no 2x2's, etc.
while biking, we come across a group of elderly women, maybe in their late sixties, walking their pet dog (possibly a poodle, but that's redundant to the story.) so they're already breaking the first rule by walking on the bike path, but they aren't the first people we saw doing this, so we really didn't care. however, they decided that it's okay to walk in a 3x1 path that's only 4x1. my dad, who's ahead of me, manages to slip by on their left, despite ignoring him when he calls out "on your left!"
so i go and try to do the same, calling out "on your left!" again, they ignore us, but it's no matter as i get around them. despite that, i quickly try to swerve around a guy who's coming at me in full force, and while doing so, manage to sideswipe into the ditch, and wipe out on the gravel.
blood everywhere, front part of my bike twisted around 180 degrees, my leg and face busted up, and what do i hear? "you okay?" from the guy who i tried to swerve around. obviously, i tell him i'm fine, but it's obvious that i'm not. meanwhile, the grandmas outta hell continue their leisure stroll, not even acknowledging the fact that i just wiped out no less than 5 feet in front of them.
my dad comes back, and thankfully has some water and tissues for me to clean up (or rather, attempt to) the bloody as hell mess. you'd think i had gotten into some fight, with all the blood that was spewing out of my road rash cuts.
still bleeding profusely, i ride back to our car (about a mile out, of course) and the two of us begin to apply some first aid equipment to the parts (you know, stuff like band-aids and antibacterial spray.) my dad decides that i should ice my now-swollen wrist, so he goes and grabs the instant-ice pack out of the first aid kit - that is, until all the ammonium nitrate decides to spew all over him, the vehicle, and his watch.
basically, we drove back home like this: me, covered in blood and sore as almighty hell. he becomes a snow-covered mountain, as ammonium nitrate solidifies into a white powder.
**edit:** surprisingly received reddit gold for this, despite the massive shithole below. thanks, anonymous user!
|
grandmas, who are secretly first world anarchists, cause me to wipe out off my bike and experience some hardcore road rash as a result of not following the rules. my dad, who tries to help me recover, becomes a jelly doughnut.**
|
trying to comply with elderly women who were breaking the rules.
|
[
"so today's a great sunday in the northeast usa, so",
"my father and i decided to grab our bikes and",
"head for the bike trail on the other side of",
"town. supposedly, other people had the same idea,",
"so said bike trail is jam-packed with bikers,",
"joggers, and sunday-strollers.",
"my dad and i decided that, because the place was",
"packed, we'd take the bicycle-only path. however,",
"we notice a variety of people on the path, and",
"despite a hint of agitation, we let them do their",
"thing and go off on our way.",
"now, this path has two main rules. the first one,",
"i already shared: bicycles only. the second one i",
"haven't yet hit: participants must bike in a",
"straight line: no 2x2's, etc.",
"while biking, we come across a group of elderly",
"women, maybe in their late sixties, walking their",
"pet dog (possibly a poodle, but that's redundant",
"to the story.) so they're already breaking the",
"first rule by walking on the bike path, but they",
"aren't the first people we saw doing this, so we",
"really didn't care. however, they decided that",
"it's okay to walk in a 3x1 path that's only 4x1.",
"my dad, who's ahead of me, manages to slip by on",
"their left, despite ignoring him when he calls",
"out \"on your left!\"",
"so i go and try to do the same, calling out \"on",
"your left!\" again, they ignore us, but it's no",
"matter as i get around them. despite that, i",
"quickly try to swerve around a guy who's coming",
"at me in full force, and while doing so, manage",
"to sideswipe into the ditch, and wipe out on the",
"gravel.",
"blood everywhere, front part of my bike twisted",
"around 180 degrees, my leg and face busted up,",
"and what do i hear? \"you okay?\" from the guy who",
"i tried to swerve around. obviously, i tell him",
"i'm fine, but it's obvious that i'm not.",
"meanwhile, the grandmas outta hell continue their",
"leisure stroll, not even acknowledging the fact",
"that i just wiped out no less than 5 feet in",
"front of them.",
"my dad comes back, and thankfully has some water",
"and tissues for me to clean up (or rather,",
"attempt to) the bloody as hell mess. you'd think",
"i had gotten into some fight, with all the blood",
"that was spewing out of my road rash cuts.",
"still bleeding profusely, i ride back to our car",
"(about a mile out, of course) and the two of us",
"begin to apply some first aid equipment to the",
"parts (you know, stuff like band-aids and",
"antibacterial spray.) my dad decides that i",
"should ice my now-swollen wrist, so he goes and",
"grabs the instant-ice pack out of the first aid",
"kit - that is, until all the ammonium nitrate",
"decides to spew all over him, the vehicle, and",
"his watch.",
"basically, we drove back home like this: me,",
"covered in blood and sore as almighty hell. he",
"becomes a snow-covered mountain, as ammonium",
"nitrate solidifies into a white powder.",
"**edit:** surprisingly received reddit gold for",
"this, despite the massive shithole below. thanks,",
"anonymous user!"
] |
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to sideswipe into the ditch, and wipe out on the blood everywhere, front part of my bike twisted my dad comes back, and thankfully has some water that was spewing out of my road rash cuts. becomes a snow-covered mountain, as ammonium
|
54 | 17 | 0.87 | 54 |
back story: i volunteer frequently at my local humane society and have years of dog experience from there, personal pets/pet sitting, and working at a boarding facility then a vet's office. today i was the only one walking dogs (and we have about 25), so i let them in an outside area to play and blow off some steam, which we aren't really supposed to do in the first place (fu#1).
the real problem started when i brought in gilby to play with detroit and gallagher. fu#2 since gilby had already attacked another dog earlier that week, but gilby had seemed very interested in joining the play through the fence.
after i let him off leash, i stepped back to monitor, which is when gilby launched at detroit. fu#3 was trying to pull them apart since they are both full-grown male dogs, likely mixed with pits (gilby for sure), and although i adore pitbulls, many times even the best ones are tenacious fighters.
after finally separating them by picking up detroit by his scruff and carting him away, i tried to scoot him and gallagher back inside through a connecting kennel, but before i could shut the door gilby got in the kennel and started up round two. fu#4, trying to separate them again in such a small area. if i separated one, the other started up again. in the process, gilby bit me on the arm (lovely jaw-shaped punctures and bruises there), the hands several times, and my elbow.
eventually, i latched onto gilby and chucked him out of the kennel, shut the door, and slammed him onto the group in a submissive position. irony is that of all involved in the fight, i got the worst of the injuries. i found it amusing that when other volunteers asked whose blood was on my arms and hands they were aghast that all of it was mine. gilby was spot-free; detroit only dripped a few drops from the first round, and gallagher, the saint he is, never got involved and was fine. they all returned to their separate kennels, and i got cleaned up and almost threw up/passed out in the process (possibly?) as a result of the insane adrenaline response. good times.
|
: separating dog fights involve occupational hazards.
|
breaking up a dog fight!
|
[
"back story: i volunteer frequently at my local",
"humane society and have years of dog experience",
"from there, personal pets/pet sitting, and",
"working at a boarding facility then a vet's",
"office. today i was the only one walking dogs",
"(and we have about 25), so i let them in an",
"outside area to play and blow off some steam,",
"which we aren't really supposed to do in the",
"first place (fu#1).",
"the real problem started when i brought in gilby",
"to play with detroit and gallagher. fu#2 since",
"gilby had already attacked another dog earlier",
"that week, but gilby had seemed very interested",
"in joining the play through the fence.",
"after i let him off leash, i stepped back to",
"monitor, which is when gilby launched at detroit.",
"fu#3 was trying to pull them apart since they",
"are both full-grown male dogs, likely mixed with",
"pits (gilby for sure), and although i adore",
"pitbulls, many times even the best ones are",
"tenacious fighters.",
"after finally separating them by picking up",
"detroit by his scruff and carting him away, i",
"tried to scoot him and gallagher back inside",
"through a connecting kennel, but before i could",
"shut the door gilby got in the kennel and started",
"up round two. fu#4, trying to separate them",
"again in such a small area. if i separated one,",
"the other started up again. in the process,",
"gilby bit me on the arm (lovely jaw-shaped",
"punctures and bruises there), the hands several",
"times, and my elbow.",
"eventually, i latched onto gilby and chucked him",
"out of the kennel, shut the door, and slammed him",
"onto the group in a submissive position. irony",
"is that of all involved in the fight, i got the",
"worst of the injuries. i found it amusing that",
"when other volunteers asked whose blood was on my",
"arms and hands they were aghast that all of it",
"was mine. gilby was spot-free; detroit only",
"dripped a few drops from the first round, and",
"gallagher, the saint he is, never got involved",
"and was fine. they all returned to their",
"separate kennels, and i got cleaned up and almost",
"threw up/passed out in the process (possibly?) as",
"a result of the insane adrenaline response. good",
"times."
] |
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gilby had already attacked another dog earlier after finally separating them by picking up
|
55 | 9 | 0.9 | 55 |
so today i woke up with a really big stomach ache. last night i was up until the wee hours of the am battling the ss diarrhea in my stomach. seriously. torpedo after torpedo of wet, juicy chinese take-out was erupting from the abyss within like mt. vesuvius on poor, poor pompeii. i finally got to bed, and all was done. i debated on staying home from school today, but i realized the end of the first quarter was upon me, and i had a fairly large government test i couldn't afford to miss. i manned up and took some pills for the ever-churning cauldron of shit still remaining in my stomach. fast forward- i'm sitting at my desk filling out my scantron when all of a sudden, it hits me. i have to fart. bad. i sat for what felt like 20 minutes debating on what to do. it then got to a point where if it didnt come out, i would probably die. i lifted my right butt cheek to allow minimum sound, and felt the cool air escaping my ass. following the air flow was a very wet sensation on the cusp of my bootyhole. i clenched. i clenched harder then i ever clenched before. i clenched so hard, i threw up. all over the test. turns out, the side effects of the pill i took this morning was nausea... which apparently i was ignoring due to extreme focus on hellfart.
|
plot twist...
|
gambling on a dense, wet, gnarly fart.
|
[
"so today i woke up with a really big stomach ache.",
"last night i was up until the wee hours of the am",
"battling the ss diarrhea in my stomach.",
"seriously. torpedo after torpedo of wet, juicy",
"chinese take-out was erupting from the abyss",
"within like mt. vesuvius on poor, poor pompeii. i",
"finally got to bed, and all was done. i debated",
"on staying home from school today, but i realized",
"the end of the first quarter was upon me, and i",
"had a fairly large government test i couldn't",
"afford to miss. i manned up and took some pills",
"for the ever-churning cauldron of shit still",
"remaining in my stomach. fast forward- i'm",
"sitting at my desk filling out my scantron when",
"all of a sudden, it hits me. i have to fart. bad.",
"i sat for what felt like 20 minutes debating on",
"what to do. it then got to a point where if it",
"didnt come out, i would probably die. i lifted my",
"right butt cheek to allow minimum sound, and felt",
"the cool air escaping my ass. following the air",
"flow was a very wet sensation on the cusp of my",
"bootyhole. i clenched. i clenched harder then i",
"ever clenched before. i clenched so hard, i threw",
"up. all over the test. turns out, the side",
"effects of the pill i took this morning was",
"nausea... which apparently i was ignoring due to",
"extreme focus on hellfart."
] |
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15 | 5 | 0.95 | 15 |
so i'm an idiot and an asshole because my gas light came on today while driving to my second job but i thought "i have enough to make it there and back, i'll fill up when i get home." turns out, i only had enough to make it a quarter of the way home before running out of gas on the side of a mountain. now waiting for aaa with gas to get me home. when will i learn?
|
thought i had enough gas to make it to work and back. nope.
|
running out of gas.
|
[
"so i'm an idiot and an asshole because my gas",
"light came on today while driving to my second",
"job but i thought \"i have enough to make it there",
"and back, i'll fill up when i get home.\" turns",
"out, i only had enough to make it a quarter of",
"the way home before running out of gas on the",
"side of a mountain. now waiting for aaa with gas",
"to get me home. when will i learn?"
] |
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job but i thought "i have enough to make it there
|
37 | 11 | 0.83 | 37 |
so here's a little background, i am going to college to get a degree in teaching and for one of my current classes we each had to give a presentation about school discipline. so today was my turn and i'm giving my presentation which is going really well everyone was engaged and laughing at my jokes. so later i show [this video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgbjq1esdhu) to prove a point in a wacky and funny way. everyone was laughing and enjoying the video, everyone but one person, who was actually a friend of mine.
whatever, i finish my report and everyone seems to have enjoyed it, except for my friend, so i sit by her and ask if everything is all right. she kind of nods without looking at me then gets up and leaves the room. now i'm seriously wondering whats wrong, then it hits me, i remember she told me when we first met that her high school had a school shooting her senior year, and i'm not talking lock down and everyone is okay, but one where people were actually killed and had a large amount of media attention. after i realized the problem, i instantly got up and chased her down, she was in tears.
i ran up and hugged her telling her that i totally forgot and the video was in bad taste. i eventually calmed her down but i knew she was still angry with me. i am currently asking for her forgiveness which luckily she is a kind enough person to not hold a grudge. but still, thinking about it now.... it was all pretty fucked up on my part.
|
- i made a girl cry by reminding her of a horrific event in her life.
|
showing a funny video of a teacher shooting students, to a friend who's been through a school shooting.
|
[
"so here's a little background, i am going to",
"college to get a degree in teaching and for one",
"of my current classes we each had to give a",
"presentation about school discipline. so today",
"was my turn and i'm giving my presentation which",
"is going really well everyone was engaged and",
"laughing at my jokes. so later i show [this",
"video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgbjq1esdhu",
")",
"to prove a point in a wacky and funny way.",
"everyone was laughing and enjoying the video,",
"everyone but one person, who was actually a",
"friend of mine.",
"whatever, i finish my report and everyone seems",
"to have enjoyed it, except for my friend, so i",
"sit by her and ask if everything is all right.",
"she kind of nods without looking at me then gets",
"up and leaves the room. now i'm seriously",
"wondering whats wrong, then it hits me, i",
"remember she told me when we first met that her",
"high school had a school shooting her senior",
"year, and i'm not talking lock down and everyone",
"is okay, but one where people were actually",
"killed and had a large amount of media attention.",
"after i realized the problem, i instantly got up",
"and chased her down, she was in tears.",
"i ran up and hugged her telling her that i",
"totally forgot and the video was in bad taste. i",
"eventually calmed her down but i knew she was",
"still angry with me. i am currently asking for",
"her forgiveness which luckily she is a kind",
"enough person to not hold a grudge. but still,",
"thinking about it now.... it was all pretty",
"fucked up on my part."
] |
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killed and had a large amount of media attention. and chased her down, she was in tears.
|
0 | 1 | 0.5 | 0 |
actually the fuck up was last week but i've only just found out how bad it was. so, last week was my sister's birthday and like any good brother i didn't bother getting her anything until the last minute. knowing i had to put something in the post i used my phone to take a photo of her address which hangs on a notice board in my kitchen so i could go into town, buy a card and post it there and then.
off i went to the card shop armed with a pen, stamps and the sort of gift buying motivation you can only get the day before someone's birthday. i found a nice card and bought her a gift voucher for nice things, playing it safe as i have no idea what she actually likes these days.
i paid for everything and found a nice spot to fill out the card and address the envelope using my photo from earlier to get the address right... or so i thought.
cut to my triumphant return home only to realise that the 17 that appears in the photo is actually a 12. no biggie, i'll call my sister and tell her her neighbour is likely to get her card and to be on the look out, and i'm sorry and happy birthday yadda yadda yadda.
there is no number 17 on her street.
still, the postman will see the rest of the address and her name and put the card with the rest of her post surely?
nope.
a week later and there's still no card, my sister has been to the post office who were no help and i feel shitty. i can't afford to throw away £20, my sister still hasn't recieved any birthday card or gift from me and my mum's guilt tripping me for being and idiot.
|
got the house number wrong on a birthday card with a voucher in it, it's lost in the post.
|
getting an address wrong
|
[
"actually the fuck up was last week but i've only",
"just found out how bad it was. so, last week was",
"my sister's birthday and like any good brother i",
"didn't bother getting her anything until the last",
"minute. knowing i had to put something in the",
"post i used my phone to take a photo of her",
"address which hangs on a notice board in my",
"kitchen so i could go into town, buy a card and",
"post it there and then.",
"off i went to the card shop armed with a pen,",
"stamps and the sort of gift buying motivation you",
"can only get the day before someone's birthday. i",
"found a nice card and bought her a gift voucher",
"for nice things, playing it safe as i have no",
"idea what she actually likes these days.",
"i paid for everything and found a nice spot to",
"fill out the card and address the envelope using",
"my photo from earlier to get the address right...",
"or so i thought.",
"cut to my triumphant return home only to realise",
"that the 17 that appears in the photo is actually",
"a 12. no biggie, i'll call my sister and tell her",
"her neighbour is likely to get her card and to be",
"on the look out, and i'm sorry and happy birthday",
"yadda yadda yadda.",
"there is no number 17 on her street.",
"still, the postman will see the rest of the",
"address and her name and put the card with the",
"rest of her post surely?",
"nope.",
"a week later and there's still no card, my sister",
"has been to the post office who were no help and",
"i feel shitty. i can't afford to throw away £20,",
"my sister still hasn't recieved any birthday card",
"or gift from me and my mum's guilt tripping me",
"for being and idiot."
] |
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address which hangs on a notice board in my address and her name and put the card with the
|
18 | 12 | 0.86 | 18 |
so not today but yesterday. so yesterday we had a blood drive at school and i had never donated before and i wanted to do my part. this being my first time i did what everybody told me to do, eat a good breakfast, drink lots of water. i assume the normal protocol. i was scheduled to give blood at 11:15 which was 20 minutes after lunch so i had plenty of food in me. i also drank 3-4 bottles of water before hand.
i walk into the room hand the lady my form the school makes us fill out and sit down to read the packet they hand you to read about giving blood and what not. not 2 minutes after i finished sat down a friend of mine of mine had just finished giving blood and sat down next to me. i was talking to her about how it was my first time and how i was a little nervous, and she told me i had nothing to worry about. just as she finishes her sentence she goes pale, eyes roll back into her head and she passes out. great i think. she came back about 10 seconds later, but not something i want to see as soon as i walk into a room about to give blood for the first time.
the nurse has checked my iron and my blood pressure and i'm good to go now. i sit back in the lounge looking chair you sit in and the nurse starts prepping my arm with the iodine. now i hate needles. not a whole lot makes me squirmish but those do. i wasn't all that worried about it because my plan was just to not look until they had it in my arm and covered up. well i was looking at reddit on my phone when the nurse started making casual conversation, so i looked up to respond to her just as she puts the needle into my arm. greeeeeaaaaatt...
i managed to shake it off and do what i could to keep it off of my mind. just as my bag is finished i start to feel very light headed and like i'm about to pass out. two nurses rush over and put an ice pack behind my neck and start fanning me. i start to feel better so i move to one of the straight back chairs where i ate a bag of crackers and drank some oj. i was having a conversation with a friend when the next thing i know the room is spinning and i make my way back to the lounging chair thing i was in. i then proceeded to throw up for the next 10 minutes and feel like death for an hour after that. i missed the rest of my afternoon classes for the day. safe to say i will not be donating anymore.
|
donated blood, watched a friend pass out threw up and felt horrible 0-10 would not do again.
|
giving blood.
|
[
"so not today but yesterday. so yesterday we had a",
"blood drive at school and i had never donated",
"before and i wanted to do my part. this being my",
"first time i did what everybody told me to do,",
"eat a good breakfast, drink lots of water. i",
"assume the normal protocol. i was scheduled to",
"give blood at 11:15 which was 20 minutes after",
"lunch so i had plenty of food in me. i also drank",
"3-4 bottles of water before hand.",
"i walk into the room hand the lady my form the",
"school makes us fill out and sit down to read the",
"packet they hand you to read about giving blood",
"and what not. not 2 minutes after i finished sat",
"down a friend of mine of mine had just finished",
"giving blood and sat down next to me. i was",
"talking to her about how it was my first time and",
"how i was a little nervous, and she told me i had",
"nothing to worry about. just as she finishes her",
"sentence she goes pale, eyes roll back into her",
"head and she passes out. great i think. she came",
"back about 10 seconds later, but not something i",
"want to see as soon as i walk into a room about",
"to give blood for the first time.",
"the nurse has checked my iron and my blood",
"pressure and i'm good to go now. i sit back in",
"the lounge looking chair you sit in and the nurse",
"starts prepping my arm with the iodine. now i",
"hate needles. not a whole lot makes me squirmish",
"but those do. i wasn't all that worried about it",
"because my plan was just to not look until they",
"had it in my arm and covered up. well i was",
"looking at reddit on my phone when the nurse",
"started making casual conversation, so i looked",
"up to respond to her just as she puts the needle",
"into my arm. greeeeeaaaaatt...",
"i managed to shake it off and do what i could to",
"keep it off of my mind. just as my bag is",
"finished i start to feel very light headed and",
"like i'm about to pass out. two nurses rush over",
"and put an ice pack behind my neck and start",
"fanning me. i start to feel better so i move to",
"one of the straight back chairs where i ate a bag",
"of crackers and drank some oj. i was having a",
"conversation with a friend when the next thing i",
"know the room is spinning and i make my way back",
"to the lounging chair thing i was in. i then",
"proceeded to throw up for the next 10 minutes and",
"feel like death for an hour after that. i missed",
"the rest of my afternoon classes for the day.",
"safe to say i will not be donating anymore."
] |
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blood drive at school and i had never donated down a friend of mine of mine had just finished
|
36 | 7 | 0.78 | 36 |
it's a warm calm spring night here in melbourne. no dogs barking. no obnoxious crickets chirping. if i listen closely i can hear the gentle hum of the freeway a couple of blocks down. it's nice here. so nice, i decided to leave my window open the whole way for the night. it's been open since morning. but no big deal. i've done it before. but this time i didn't consider that the fact that it's warm.
it was about 11pm when i got into bed. i was browsing reddit and doing a little programming on my ipad when i started to notice a couple of little black bugs lattracted to the light of my device. more than normal. i thought it was odd, but i dismissed it as nothing. a while later, i heard a sound to the right of me. it only took me a split second to realise what that sound was and about 2 seconds to fill me with dread.
it was a moth. you're probably thinking, oh. yeah. just a little moth. it's all good. well no. it's not all good. there's one thing that you should know about me; i. really. fucking. hate. bugs. i mean. bugs that are in a 10 meters radius of me anyway. and especially the flying ones. anyway. i hurried to turn the light on and i found the little fucker sitting on my desk. too close to the tissues for me to grab one and smush it, but far enough away from the rubber bands that i could use them. okay, me, years of training in high school has prepared you for this very moment. kind of tired me isn't the best shot in the world but after 10 or so tried i eventually got mr. moth. didn't kill him, but he was disorientated. he was buzzing around under the desk and i couldn't really find where he was.
then i had an idea. i need something to be killed. and cats are great killers. so i got my cat in there, and being night, he was on edge. me and him worked together to try and kill mr. moth but he flew into the closet in amongst all of my clothes. well shit. now that thing is going to lay eggs in there. i gave up and just closed my closet so he could no longer provoke me. i decided it wasn't worth the effort anyway considering how much crap is in there.
but just as i was heading to bed, i saw two of those little black bugs on the wall again. then it hit me. i turned around to see hundreds of those microscopic black fucks having a party around my light. which is no biggie. but, oh yeah. i really hate bugs. i hurried to get some fly spray (thankfully i didn't stub my toe on the way, right?). and stood in my doorway trying to a) hitler the crap out of all the bugs, and b) trying not to suffocate in the mist of the deadly fly spray for about half an hour. oh yeah, and this was the fly spray that you have to shake to use... which is noisy. which pisses your light sleeping parents off really badly. dammit.
so now i'm sitting here on my ipad with my room smelling like chemicals (kinda like burning rubber for some reason), rubber bands and small dead bugs all over my roof and floor, some very pissed off parents and an extreme case of paranoia for any noise anywhere. i can't even sleep.
|
i really hate bugs. :c
|
leaving the window open
|
[
"it's a warm calm spring night here in melbourne.",
"no dogs barking. no obnoxious crickets chirping.",
"if i listen closely i can hear the gentle hum of",
"the freeway a couple of blocks down. it's nice",
"here. so nice, i decided to leave my window open",
"the whole way for the night. it's been open since",
"morning. but no big deal. i've done it before.",
"but this time i didn't consider that the fact",
"that it's warm.",
"it was about 11pm when i got into bed. i was",
"browsing reddit and doing a little programming on",
"my ipad when i started to notice a couple of",
"little black bugs lattracted to the light of my",
"device. more than normal. i thought it was odd,",
"but i dismissed it as nothing. a while later, i",
"heard a sound to the right of me. it only took me",
"a split second to realise what that sound was and",
"about 2 seconds to fill me with dread.",
"it was a moth. you're probably thinking, oh.",
"yeah. just a little moth. it's all good. well no.",
"it's not all good. there's one thing that you",
"should know about me; i. really. fucking. hate.",
"bugs. i mean. bugs that are in a 10 meters radius",
"of me anyway. and especially the flying ones.",
"anyway. i hurried to turn the light on and i",
"found the little fucker sitting on my desk. too",
"close to the tissues for me to grab one and smush",
"it, but far enough away from the rubber bands",
"that i could use them. okay, me, years of",
"training in high school has prepared you for this",
"very moment. kind of tired me isn't the best shot",
"in the world but after 10 or so tried i",
"eventually got mr. moth. didn't kill him, but he",
"was disorientated. he was buzzing around under",
"the desk and i couldn't really find where he was.",
"then i had an idea. i need something to be",
"killed. and cats are great killers. so i got my",
"cat in there, and being night, he was on edge. me",
"and him worked together to try and kill mr. moth",
"but he flew into the closet in amongst all of my",
"clothes. well shit. now that thing is going to",
"lay eggs in there. i gave up and just closed my",
"closet so he could no longer provoke me. i",
"decided it wasn't worth the effort anyway",
"considering how much crap is in there.",
"but just as i was heading to bed, i saw two of",
"those little black bugs on the wall again. then",
"it hit me. i turned around to see hundreds of",
"those microscopic black fucks having a party",
"around my light. which is no biggie. but, oh",
"yeah. i really hate bugs. i hurried to get some",
"fly spray (thankfully i didn't stub my toe on the",
"way, right?). and stood in my doorway trying to",
"a) hitler the crap out of all the bugs, and b)",
"trying not to suffocate in the mist of the",
"deadly fly spray for about half an hour. oh yeah,",
"and this was the fly spray that you have to shake",
"to use... which is noisy. which pisses your light",
"sleeping parents off really badly. dammit.",
"so now i'm sitting here on my ipad with my room",
"smelling like chemicals (kinda like burning",
"rubber for some reason), rubber bands and small",
"dead bugs all over my roof and floor, some very",
"pissed off parents and an extreme case of",
"paranoia for any noise anywhere. i can't even",
"sleep."
] |
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yeah. i really hate bugs. i hurried to get some
|
11 | 5 | 0.88 | 11 |
so i went out with some friends after work today for a happy hour of sorts at the local bar. since i'd only eaten once today so far, i was rather hungry and ordered a buffalo chicken flatbread, sweet potato fries with a maple bacon bbq sauce, pretzels with beer cheese and several brews to wash it all down. on top of all that, i came home and had several brownies that were conveniently been left out on the counter. from that point on, my farts could have killed a small army, but that was the only side effect of all this eating. while watching hockey early this evening, i felt another one of my atomic farts coming on and like a fool i trusted it as i had all the others. big mistake. all over boxers, shorts, couch. this was no shart, this was a shitty old faithful. good thing my couch is brown i guess. reset the counter.
|
ate/drank too much, shit my pants while watching hockey.
|
trusting a fart while watching hockey
|
[
"so i went out with some friends after work today",
"for a happy hour of sorts at the local bar. since",
"i'd only eaten once today so far, i was rather",
"hungry and ordered a buffalo chicken flatbread,",
"sweet potato fries with a maple bacon bbq sauce,",
"pretzels with beer cheese and several brews to",
"wash it all down. on top of all that, i came home",
"and had several brownies that were conveniently",
"been left out on the counter. from that point on,",
"my farts could have killed a small army, but that",
"was the only side effect of all this eating.",
"while watching hockey early this evening, i felt",
"another one of my atomic farts coming on and like",
"a fool i trusted it as i had all the others. big",
"mistake. all over boxers, shorts, couch. this was",
"no shart, this was a shitty old faithful. good",
"thing my couch is brown i guess. reset the",
"counter."
] |
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while watching hockey early this evening, i felt
|
30 | 6 | 0.83 | 30 |
so i am 21 and just started a job this september refueling aircraft at a small/mid sized airport as i figure out how i should keep going with college or do something else (and make some money). i do all sorts of aircraft, from commercial passenger planes and private jets to helicopters, private light aircraft and police/medivac planes.
this job takes a lot of memorization and organization, something which i often pride myself on. i had just gotten the hang of doing all the paperwork and driving the big fuel trucks and learning the different fuel points on the variety of aircraft when my 'incident' happened
today we had three [kingairs](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/beechcraft_super_king_air) that were lined up next to each other on the ramp. two were private charter aircraft and the one was a new medivac with no medical marking on it yet. i was by myself for this but had done these almost every day i worked here, "no problem" i thought
i started with the one on the right (my left) and filled it with full main tanks and 65l in the aux tanks, done. the medivac always takes full main tanks so i moved down the line and filled up the tanks up to just over 400l. as i went to write down the reg. i noticed i had accidentally filled up the private charter plane. it had been fueled by my manager in the morning and i had inadvertently doubled the fuel load of it.
so here i am after getting a phone call from work not to come in until next monday as the clients and pilots wait for another plane to fly in from another city to take them to an even farther city costing thousands. i may have lasted less than a month at something i thought i would do well at. cheer me up reddit :(
|
extra fuel = extra anxiety
|
over fueling an aircraft and stopping a flight.
|
[
"so i am 21 and just started a job this september",
"refueling aircraft at a small/mid sized airport",
"as i figure out how i should keep going with",
"college or do something else (and make some",
"money). i do all sorts of aircraft, from",
"commercial passenger planes and private jets to",
"helicopters, private light aircraft and",
"police/medivac planes.",
"this job takes a lot of memorization and",
"organization, something which i often pride",
"myself on. i had just gotten the hang of doing",
"all the paperwork and driving the big fuel trucks",
"and learning the different fuel points on the",
"variety of aircraft when my 'incident' happened",
"today we had three",
"[kingairs](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/beechcraf",
"t_super_king_air)",
"that were lined up next to each other on the",
"ramp. two were private charter aircraft and the",
"one was a new medivac with no medical marking on",
"it yet. i was by myself for this but had done",
"these almost every day i worked here, \"no",
"problem\" i thought",
"i started with the one on the right (my left) and",
"filled it with full main tanks and 65l in the aux",
"tanks, done. the medivac always takes full main",
"tanks so i moved down the line and filled up the",
"tanks up to just over 400l. as i went to write",
"down the reg. i noticed i had accidentally filled",
"up the private charter plane. it had been fueled",
"by my manager in the morning and i had",
"inadvertently doubled the fuel load of it.",
"so here i am after getting a phone call from work",
"not to come in until next monday as the clients",
"and pilots wait for another plane to fly in from",
"another city to take them to an even farther city",
"costing thousands. i may have lasted less than a",
"month at something i thought i would do well at.",
"cheer me up reddit :("
] |
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and learning the different fuel points on the
|
4,215 | 753 | 0.96 | 4,215 |
i work as a loans officer in a rural branch of a small canadian bank.
sorry for your suddenly-sodden panties, ladies.
definitely not my dream career as a kid – the fisher price banking is fun! playset is not a big seller – but when i lost my job selling computers in my early 20s i got this job and it stuck like soiled underwear. i’m okay at it and i’m a well-liked mentor to many of the staff, but i’m definitely a goofy round peg in a humourless square hole which is what ultimately led to my wtf shitstorm.
if i have to work in an office i’m gonna have a bit of fun. i love thinkgeek. in my office i have a [conan the barbarian letter opener](http://i.imgur.com/xwqpqajh.jpg), a [salvador dali melting clock](http://i.imgur.com/hg0ot5q.jpg) and a [magnetic levitating world globe](http://i.imgur.com/rm1luhbh.jpg) among other things purchased there, and as fate would have it this past christmas in my stocking i discovered that my kids bought me an [annoy-a-tron](http://i.imgur.com/vfo4usi.jpg). it’s a small device that makes maddeningly short, faint noises at totally random intervals and can run for 3 months on a watch battery, designed to be hidden to drive someone harmlessly bonkers. here’s the description [from thinkgeek’s site:](http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/b278/?pfm=search&t=the%20thinkgeek%20annoy-a-tron%202.0)
*“the annoy-a-tron will do its part to drive your co-workers slowly mad with its short and seemingly random beeps. and when someone does locate the annoy-a-tron, they're not going to know what it is - which is almost as much fun as watching them search for it. muahaha...”*
and hilarity will ensue!
right?
as it turns out, much less than zero.
i came in early on a monday and placed it behind a metal poster frame hanging on the wall in the office of one of my co-workers. i flipped the on switch and went blithely about my day, waiting for a reaction and to share a few chuckles.
monday came and went. nothing.
tuesday, nothing.
wednesday and thursday, not a peep. at that point i figured it was broken. frankly, i kinda forgot about it. i had friday off and i suppose i would’ve checked it when i got back the following week.
monday comes, lurching out of the weekend like a reanimated corpse. as soon as everyone arrives, the manager calls all 16 of us into her office for an unscheduled conference call. i end up standing at the back of the group near the office door. she dials in and our district vp announces herself through the little speaker. i stifle a yawn. the vp then introduces our company’s head of security. my brow furrows. this is unusual.
“by now,” the vp says, “some of you know about the device that was found at your branch last week.”
*device? what the hell? what kind of device could they possibly be talking--*
*oh holy jesus fuck nuggets.*
“when it was found it on thursday nobody knew what it was, so it was brought to the branch manager, who then sent pictures of the device to me—“
*fuck.*
“—and i forwarded the images to our head of security. he couldn’t identify it but guessed it might be a listening device so he sent the pictures to the rcmp corporate crimes division—“
*oh fuck me.*
“—as well as the canadian security intelligence services in ottawa. they suspected it could potentially be a bomb—“
*fuckity grand fucking canyon of fuck.*
“—so we closed the branch, told all staff to stay home and hired a team of investigators to search every square inch of the building over the weekend for any additional devices.”
if i had sat down ahead of time to brainstorm a worst-case scenario, i wouldn’t have even come close to this epic corporate craptastrophe.
i had no choice. i took a shaky breath, steeled my nerve, clenched my ass cheeks tight and tried to say “excuse me” but choked out a pubescent squeak instead. i cleared my throat, interrupted the conference call in that stuffy room full of my coworkers and spoke up, telling them it’s a harmless noisemaker, taking responsibility and apologizing profusely.
the room was dead quiet. the vp slowly says thank you for speaking up, they’ll stop the investigation, and the call ends. everyone files out. i ask the manager if she wants me to stay, but she says she can’t talk to me right now. she doesn’t talk to me for three weeks.
i found out later that she was in her car with the device on the passenger seat when she got the call that it might be a bomb. she apparently burst into tears and nearly drove into a ditch.
the district vp threw a fit and despite my 17-year unblemished work record she tried really, really hard to have me fired. ultimately a senior executive in the company understood my benign intent and overruled her. luckily they didn’t charge me the $50,000+ in lost business, staff wages and other miscellaneous costs.
no, i don’t know why my manager didn’t just ask her staff if anyone knew about it instead of sending a fucking urgent memo to the entire fucking universe. my office is full of a lot of things but common sense isn’t one of them.
**edit:**
so *this* is what it's like to be the bottom in an upvoted reddit relationship. my god... it's full of *stars*.
some clarifications:
* i don't work for thinkgeek. i doubt they'd be allowed to use the term "suddenly-sodden panties" in their attempts at viral marketing.
* my post is as accurate as i remember (it happened a few months ago). i can only relate what was told to us during the conference call about the theories about the device and the involvement of the authorities, but i can't and wont verify if that's what they actually did. i'm not going to poke that particular dog with a pointy stick.
* although my post focuses on my frustration about the overreaction to my prank, there's a reason i posted this in tifu after i found out this subreddit exists. 'cause i fucked up. as i mentioned somewhere in the comment deluge below, had i given a modicum of thought to the type of risk-adverse industry i work in, i never would've placed the annoy-a-tron at my work at all. there would've been no overreaction to have if i hadn't done this to begin with. and my office pranking days are dead and buried - my wife will make damn sure of that. if i even *think* about trying something like this again, my wife will shove an annoy-a-tron so far up my ass that i'd have daft punk vocoder farts.
|
thinkgeek + corporate zombies = fail.**
|
playing a thinkgeek practical joke. the canadian fbi was called and i nearly killed my 17-year career.
|
[
"i work as a loans officer in a rural branch of a",
"small canadian bank.",
"sorry for your suddenly-sodden panties, ladies.",
"definitely not my dream career as a kid – the",
"fisher price banking is fun! playset is not a big",
"seller – but when i lost my job selling computers",
"in my early 20s i got this job and it stuck like",
"soiled underwear. i’m okay at it and i’m a",
"well-liked mentor to many of the staff, but i’m",
"definitely a goofy round peg in a humourless",
"square hole which is what ultimately led to my",
"wtf shitstorm.",
"if i have to work in an office i’m gonna have a",
"bit of fun. i love thinkgeek. in my office i have",
"a [conan the barbarian letter",
"opener](http://i.imgur.com/xwqpqajh.jpg), a",
"[salvador dali melting",
"clock](http://i.imgur.com/hg0ot5q.jpg) and a",
"[magnetic levitating world",
"globe](http://i.imgur.com/rm1luhbh.jpg) among",
"other things purchased there, and as fate would",
"have it this past christmas in my stocking i",
"discovered that my kids bought me an",
"[annoy-a-tron](http://i.imgur.com/vfo4usi.jpg).",
"it’s a small device that makes maddeningly short,",
"faint noises at totally random intervals and can",
"run for 3 months on a watch battery, designed to",
"be hidden to drive someone harmlessly bonkers.",
"here’s the description [from thinkgeek’s",
"site:](http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/b278/?pfm",
"=search&t=the%20thinkgeek%20annoy-a-tron%202.0)",
"*“the annoy-a-tron will do its part to drive your",
"co-workers slowly mad with its short and",
"seemingly random beeps. and when someone does",
"locate the annoy-a-tron, they're not going to",
"know what it is - which is almost as much fun as",
"watching them search for it. muahaha...”*",
"and hilarity will ensue!\n\nright?",
"as it turns out, much less than zero.",
"i came in early on a monday and placed it behind",
"a metal poster frame hanging on the wall in the",
"office of one of my co-workers. i flipped the on",
"switch and went blithely about my day, waiting",
"for a reaction and to share a few chuckles.",
"monday came and went. nothing.",
"tuesday, nothing.",
"wednesday and thursday, not a peep. at that point",
"i figured it was broken. frankly, i kinda forgot",
"about it. i had friday off and i suppose i",
"would’ve checked it when i got back the following",
"week.",
"monday comes, lurching out of the weekend like a",
"reanimated corpse. as soon as everyone arrives,",
"the manager calls all 16 of us into her office",
"for an unscheduled conference call. i end up",
"standing at the back of the group near the office",
"door. she dials in and our district vp announces",
"herself through the little speaker. i stifle a",
"yawn. the vp then introduces our company’s head",
"of security. my brow furrows. this is unusual.",
"“by now,” the vp says, “some of you know about",
"the device that was found at your branch last",
"week.”",
"*device? what the hell? what kind of device could",
"they possibly be talking--*",
"*oh holy jesus fuck nuggets.*",
"“when it was found it on thursday nobody knew",
"what it was, so it was brought to the branch",
"manager, who then sent pictures of the device to",
"me—“",
"*fuck.*",
"“—and i forwarded the images to our head of",
"security. he couldn’t identify it but guessed it",
"might be a listening device so he sent the",
"pictures to the rcmp corporate crimes division—“",
"*oh fuck me.*",
"“—as well as the canadian security intelligence",
"services in ottawa. they suspected it could",
"potentially be a bomb—“",
"*fuckity grand fucking canyon of fuck.*",
"“—so we closed the branch, told all staff to stay",
"home and hired a team of investigators to search",
"every square inch of the building over the",
"weekend for any additional devices.”",
"if i had sat down ahead of time to brainstorm a",
"worst-case scenario, i wouldn’t have even come",
"close to this epic corporate craptastrophe.",
"i had no choice. i took a shaky breath, steeled",
"my nerve, clenched my ass cheeks tight and tried",
"to say “excuse me” but choked out a pubescent",
"squeak instead. i cleared my throat, interrupted",
"the conference call in that stuffy room full of",
"my coworkers and spoke up, telling them it’s a",
"harmless noisemaker, taking responsibility and",
"apologizing profusely.",
"the room was dead quiet. the vp slowly says thank",
"you for speaking up, they’ll stop the",
"investigation, and the call ends. everyone files",
"out. i ask the manager if she wants me to stay,",
"but she says she can’t talk to me right now. she",
"doesn’t talk to me for three weeks.",
"i found out later that she was in her car with",
"the device on the passenger seat when she got the",
"call that it might be a bomb. she apparently",
"burst into tears and nearly drove into a ditch.",
"the district vp threw a fit and despite my",
"17-year unblemished work record she tried really,",
"really hard to have me fired. ultimately a senior",
"executive in the company understood my benign",
"intent and overruled her. luckily they didn’t",
"charge me the $50,000+ in lost business, staff",
"wages and other miscellaneous costs.",
"no, i don’t know why my manager didn’t just ask",
"her staff if anyone knew about it instead of",
"sending a fucking urgent memo to the entire",
"fucking universe. my office is full of a lot of",
"things but common sense isn’t one of them.",
"**edit:**",
"so *this* is what it's like to be the bottom in",
"an upvoted reddit relationship. my god... it's",
"full of *stars*.",
"some clarifications:",
"* i don't work for thinkgeek. i doubt they'd be",
"allowed to use the term \"suddenly-sodden panties\"",
"in their attempts at viral marketing.",
"* my post is as accurate as i remember (it",
"happened a few months ago). i can only relate",
"what was told to us during the conference call",
"about the theories about the device and the",
"involvement of the authorities, but i can't and",
"wont verify if that's what they actually did. i'm",
"not going to poke that particular dog with a",
"pointy stick.",
"* although my post focuses on my frustration",
"about the overreaction to my prank, there's a",
"reason i posted this in tifu after i found out",
"this subreddit exists. 'cause i fucked up. as i",
"mentioned somewhere in the comment deluge below,",
"had i given a modicum of thought to the type of",
"risk-adverse industry i work in, i never would've",
"placed the annoy-a-tron at my work at all. there",
"would've been no overreaction to have if i hadn't",
"done this to begin with. and my office pranking",
"days are dead and buried - my wife will make damn",
"sure of that. if i even *think* about trying",
"something like this again, my wife will shove an",
"annoy-a-tron so far up my ass that i'd have daft",
"punk vocoder farts."
] |
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close to this epic corporate craptastrophe.
|
62 | 19 | 0.87 | 62 |
so my girlfriend and i were visiting a friend's house for a few days so that she could see her and i was tagging along to be a good boyfriend. but because we were staying at her friend's house, in her friend's room, we couldn't get our daily sex that i have grown accustomed to. needless to say, "little tifuthwaway" wasn't very happy with me and was asking for some attention. while my girlfriend and her friend went to make dinner, i decided to go into her friend's bathroom and try to do a little business. however, i didn't expect my girlfriend to come walking in to tell me that dinner was ready. now my girlfriend is staring at me awkwardly while my hand is around "little tifuthwaway" and she asks, "what is that on your hand?" to which i honestly, but dejectedly reply, "friend x's hair conditioner." needless to say, i haven't gotten many words from her in the last 3 hours and dinner was very weird.
|
no sex at friend's house for a few days, went to jack off in bathroom, gf walked in
|
gf jacking off in her friend's bathroom
|
[
"so my girlfriend and i were visiting a friend's",
"house for a few days so that she could see her",
"and i was tagging along to be a good boyfriend.",
"but because we were staying at her friend's",
"house, in her friend's room, we couldn't get our",
"daily sex that i have grown accustomed to.",
"needless to say, \"little tifuthwaway\" wasn't very",
"happy with me and was asking for some attention.",
"while my girlfriend and her friend went to make",
"dinner, i decided to go into her friend's",
"bathroom and try to do a little business.",
"however, i didn't expect my girlfriend to come",
"walking in to tell me that dinner was ready. now",
"my girlfriend is staring at me awkwardly while my",
"hand is around \"little tifuthwaway\" and she asks,",
"\"what is that on your hand?\" to which i honestly,",
"but dejectedly reply, \"friend x's hair",
"conditioner.\" needless to say, i haven't gotten",
"many words from her in the last 3 hours and",
"dinner was very weird."
] |
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house for a few days so that she could see her while my girlfriend and her friend went to make
|
376 | 93 | 0.93 | 376 |
so i am a senior in high school and today we are having our final check out for graduation, which is on thursday. so the counselor for my school pulls me aside and says "could you come by my office sometime today we have to talk about something." now last year i went to summer school, and make up the credits that i had to. and this year i passed all my classes so here i am thinking i'm golden, on track to celebrate with all my friends. so anyways i go down to the counselors office and he pulls up my transcript and says you are missing some credits. fuck. long story short it turns out last year we didn't go over the other credits i have to make up before i can graduate, a grand total of 5 credits. summer school only allows you to make up 3 credits in a summer. so i have to go to at least 2 different summer school programs, which may have to be at night. also, i just got promoted at my job to a manager which i cannot just work in between the two summer schools so i will have to quit my job. quitting my job means i will have to live at home next year instead of going to college and living in my own place. also my parents have no idea so, i have to tell them when i get home. the worst part is it is all my fault and i have no one else to blame it on. now i know this is not really a fuck up of today but, i wanted to share. so thanks.
|
; pass your fucking classes.
|
letting the past four years catch up to me.
|
[
"so i am a senior in high school and today we are",
"having our final check out for graduation, which",
"is on thursday. so the counselor for my school",
"pulls me aside and says \"could you come by my",
"office sometime today we have to talk about",
"something.\" now last year i went to summer",
"school, and make up the credits that i had to.",
"and this year i passed all my classes so here i",
"am thinking i'm golden, on track to celebrate",
"with all my friends. so anyways i go down to the",
"counselors office and he pulls up my transcript",
"and says you are missing some credits. fuck. long",
"story short it turns out last year we didn't go",
"over the other credits i have to make up before i",
"can graduate, a grand total of 5 credits. summer",
"school only allows you to make up 3 credits in a",
"summer. so i have to go to at least 2 different",
"summer school programs, which may have to be at",
"night. also, i just got promoted at my job to a",
"manager which i cannot just work in between the",
"two summer schools so i will have to quit my job.",
"quitting my job means i will have to live at home",
"next year instead of going to college and living",
"in my own place. also my parents have no idea so,",
"i have to tell them when i get home. the worst",
"part is it is all my fault and i have no one else",
"to blame it on. now i know this is not really a",
"fuck up of today but, i wanted to share. so",
"thanks."
] |
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and this year i passed all my classes so here i
|
46 | 22 | 0.8 | 46 |
it wasn't really today, but i'm still dealing with the fallout so i think it is fair to post.
so i am pretty quiet and reserved as a general rule. i am known for being conservative and sweet, and happy but hands-to-myself when drunk. a few days ago, i was with a group of friends, including the guy i am in love with and who has feelings for me, and everyone was getting a little tipsy. to make a long story short, i decided to up the ante on everyone and drink as much vodka as i could, temporarily forgetting that vodka kind of makes me insane. i drank more than half the bottle in a couple hours and got the kind of rowdy no one really wants to witness. loud, obnoxious, touching people, insulting people. i was all over this guy i love to the point of making people uncomfortable, and when he went to the bathroom, apparently i did the same thing to his friend. he came out and saw the tail end of that, and i am pretty sure he hates me now.
|
drank enough vodka to kill a guy, went from conservative to drunk ho, pissed off all the people i care about most and kind of want to kill myself now.
|
drinking enough vodka for several people.
|
[
"it wasn't really today, but i'm still dealing with",
"the fallout so i think it is fair to post.",
"so i am pretty quiet and reserved as a general",
"rule. i am known for being conservative and",
"sweet, and happy but hands-to-myself when drunk.",
"a few days ago, i was with a group of friends,",
"including the guy i am in love with and who has",
"feelings for me, and everyone was getting a",
"little tipsy. to make a long story short, i",
"decided to up the ante on everyone and drink as",
"much vodka as i could, temporarily forgetting",
"that vodka kind of makes me insane. i drank more",
"than half the bottle in a couple hours and got",
"the kind of rowdy no one really wants to witness.",
"loud, obnoxious, touching people, insulting",
"people. i was all over this guy i love to the",
"point of making people uncomfortable, and when he",
"went to the bathroom, apparently i did the same",
"thing to his friend. he came out and saw the",
"tail end of that, and i am pretty sure he hates",
"me now."
] |
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feelings for me, and everyone was getting a that vodka kind of makes me insane. i drank more people. i was all over this guy i love to the me now.
|
851 | 140 | 0.93 | 851 |
i'd never attempted this before, but proceeded (with great care), with the only razor in the house at the time - dad's face one, but he was never going to find out. the fuck up wasn't in the the shaving itself - everything went smoothly, and i then went off to school.
but - i later got a call from my mum, yelling down the phone 'what did you shave this morning, the drains are completely blocked!'. so i was like 'umm, my face'. she didn't buy this, so i hung up.
i later went home to find my dad, the voice of reason - 'i'd rather you hadn't used my face razor, but it must have been his legs, go on son, show your mum your shaved legs'. shit. so i pull up my trouser leg to reveal my hairy legs - my parents look shocked. 'i shaved my balls, i'm really sorry'.
a shit storm of anger proceeded - 'with my razor!' 'all that hair came from you bollocks!?' 'did your girlfrient ask for this?!' 'go and clear it'
i spent the next couple of hours picking my pubes out of the blocked drain. and my dad brings it up frequently around my friends and family. and i owe him a new razor.
|
shaved balls with dad's razor, blocked the drains, had to confess, pick out my pubes, and dad told everyone.
|
shaving my balls in the shower
|
[
"i'd never attempted this before, but proceeded",
"(with great care), with the only razor in the",
"house at the time - dad's face one, but he was",
"never going to find out. the fuck up wasn't in",
"the the shaving itself - everything went",
"smoothly, and i then went off to school.",
"but - i later got a call from my mum, yelling",
"down the phone 'what did you shave this morning,",
"the drains are completely blocked!'. so i was",
"like 'umm, my face'. she didn't buy this, so i",
"hung up.",
"i later went home to find my dad, the voice of",
"reason - 'i'd rather you hadn't used my face",
"razor, but it must have been his legs, go on son,",
"show your mum your shaved legs'. shit. so i pull",
"up my trouser leg to reveal my hairy legs - my",
"parents look shocked. 'i shaved my balls, i'm",
"really sorry'.",
"a shit storm of anger proceeded - 'with my",
"razor!' 'all that hair came from you bollocks!?'",
"'did your girlfrient ask for this?!' 'go and",
"clear it'",
"i spent the next couple of hours picking my pubes",
"out of the blocked drain. and my dad brings it up",
"frequently around my friends and family. and i",
"owe him a new razor."
] |
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the drains are completely blocked!'. so i was parents look shocked. 'i shaved my balls, i'm out of the blocked drain. and my dad brings it up
|
474 | 59 | 0.94 | 474 |
so today i got called in to manage one of the stores i work in because the gm had an emergency (her 16 year old son was stabbed by a girl at school). now scheduled to work a 12 1/2 hour shift while already behind, i began to feel the effects of the stress.
it didn't help that i'm working with a really hot girl and i'm probably ovulating because i'm horny as fuck. regular stress + sexual frustration = having a bad time.
i managed to get a break in during the afternoon and went out to my car to smoke (it was raining and i had no other protection). thought to myself "hey know what would be such a good idea? why don't you rub one off real quick before you go back into work! that'll calm you down and maybe make you not want to jump that girl's bones so much!" fucking fantastic idea! didn't take long, but being in my car and trying to make this whole thing not obvious i pulled a muscle in my leg immediately upon finishing. walked back into work with a serious and painful limp and no good way to explain it.
that was an hour and a half ago. still have 6 more hours left and i'll be closing (alone) with the hot girl who unknowingly had a part in this whole fiasco.
|
flicked the bean, walking with a lean.**
|
relieving some stress during my break
|
[
"so today i got called in to manage one of the",
"stores i work in because the gm had an emergency",
"(her 16 year old son was stabbed by a girl at",
"school). now scheduled to work a 12 1/2 hour",
"shift while already behind, i began to feel the",
"effects of the stress.",
"it didn't help that i'm working with a really hot",
"girl and i'm probably ovulating because i'm horny",
"as fuck. regular stress + sexual frustration =",
"having a bad time.",
"i managed to get a break in during the afternoon",
"and went out to my car to smoke (it was raining",
"and i had no other protection). thought to myself",
"\"hey know what would be such a good idea? why",
"don't you rub one off real quick before you go",
"back into work! that'll calm you down and maybe",
"make you not want to jump that girl's bones so",
"much!\" fucking fantastic idea! didn't take long,",
"but being in my car and trying to make this whole",
"thing not obvious i pulled a muscle in my leg",
"immediately upon finishing. walked back into work",
"with a serious and painful limp and no good way",
"to explain it.",
"that was an hour and a half ago. still have 6",
"more hours left and i'll be closing (alone) with",
"the hot girl who unknowingly had a part in this",
"whole fiasco."
] |
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with a serious and painful limp and no good way
|
137 | 7 | 0.95 | 137 |
i'm a stay at home dad.
i have a 7 month old daughter who loves her bouncer. i put her in that thing and i can get other shit done around the house.
normally she has a bowel movement in the morning, and lets me know right away. (they stink) to be safe, i don't usually put her in the bouncer until she's done it, but whoops i forgot. unfortunately for both of us today she decided that the bouncer was so much fun it didn't matter. it **really** didn't help that her diaper had shifted sideways a bit, so most of the poop missed. it was on her onesie, on the bouncer's seat, on the side of her leg- a pretty typical blowout, right?
i wish i'd been that lucky.
enough had gotten out that it went down her leg, to the floor.
onto the carpet.
where her feet were.
the feet she was using to jump with.
they were *coated* with crap.
the carpet had a dark circle of baby footprints.
the only good thing about all this is she's on a decent amount of solid foods, so it was pretty dry. she was very confused by the sudden bath i gave her. once she went down for her nap i washed the onesie and cloth bouncer seat. the carpet took a ton of scrubbing, but carpet cleaner for pet poop works just as good for baby poop.
|
kid was jumping up and down in poop.
|
letting my daughter play in her shit.
|
[
"i'm a stay at home dad.",
"i have a 7 month old daughter who loves her",
"bouncer. i put her in that thing and i can get",
"other shit done around the house.",
"normally she has a bowel movement in the morning,",
"and lets me know right away. (they stink) to be",
"safe, i don't usually put her in the bouncer",
"until she's done it, but whoops i forgot.",
"unfortunately for both of us today she decided",
"that the bouncer was so much fun it didn't",
"matter. it **really** didn't help that her diaper",
"had shifted sideways a bit, so most of the poop",
"missed. it was on her onesie, on the bouncer's",
"seat, on the side of her leg- a pretty typical",
"blowout, right?",
"i wish i'd been that lucky.",
"enough had gotten out that it went down her leg,",
"to the floor.",
"onto the carpet. \nwhere her feet were.",
"the feet she was using to jump with.",
"they were *coated* with crap.",
"the carpet had a dark circle of baby footprints.",
"the only good thing about all this is she's on a",
"decent amount of solid foods, so it was pretty",
"dry. she was very confused by the sudden bath i",
"gave her. once she went down for her nap i washed",
"the onesie and cloth bouncer seat. the carpet",
"took a ton of scrubbing, but carpet cleaner for",
"pet poop works just as good for baby poop."
] |
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] |
bouncer. i put her in that thing and i can get
|
148 | 46 | 0.91 | 148 |
if you're unfamiliar with this fuck up, it's not always bad, but this particular time it was...
the short of it that the dreams are fucking intense and as vivid as real life. i have done it in the past, and try to avoid it at all costs. the last time i forgot to take it off for a nap, i woke up questioning reality on a major level.
last night's dream was crazy detailed, and seemed more real than anything i've ever experienced. i watched my cousin stab my other cousin in the chest, he's 7. i spent the rest of the time trying to get a refund for my ticket to disney world, and i was covered in blood, so it wasn't an easy task.
i woke up sweating and jumping out of bed ready to go to the police or take some sort of action. took me about a minute to realize i had my patch on and i should just go back to sleep (which was almost as hard as getting my money back for the imaginary ticket).
didn't want to go into too much detail, but i still remember every second of the events of the dream, part of which i was getting shot at for being a terrorist in the middle east. didn't want to bore anyone, more than i already have.
**edit request for longer dream explanation**: so aside from the whole disney world stabbing/refund experience (this was the end of my lengthy dream) i was also involved in a terrorist scheme.
i found myself in a middle eastern country (unknown), and i was staying with some friends in a hotel/complex. it had a nice courtyard pool, the walls in the room were a bit aged, cracks showing exposed wires, wobbly ceiling fan overhead (3 blades in dire need of dusting), but over all a nice place considering the surrounding impoverished dwellings.
after getting settled into my room, i set out to explore the town. i can remember going down two flights of stairs and exiting the complex to a covered market square. the hustle and bustle of the shoppers was right out of national geographic. people trading and i remember overhearing an argument about the quality of the figs that day (in english of course). i make my way into a small indoor market, and i catch eyes with one of the most beautiful women i've ever seen. her skin was fair, and her green eyes pierced through me as i walked towards her. our gaze never broke as i passed by various shelves of fresh fruit and flowers. i could smell the aromas of each item i passed, but my attention never broke from the emerald eyes staring at me.
i reached the counter and a soft voice asked me what i was looking for. i wasn't sure as i was a bit confused as to how i had reached this destination in the first place. i mentioned i was just browsing and broke eye contact for the first time in what felt like an eternity. when i brought my attention back to her she was holding a small furry mammal (i think a ferret, but i'm not 100% on this part). she said "this is what you came here for. i know. i could tell when you walked in."
without even thinking about price, i reach into my pocket and pull out a piece of paper and hand it to her. not money mind you, but a 4 fold piece of old paper. i remember it felt soft and weathered, like someone had been in tight possession of it for a long time. the trade went off without a hitch, and i put the animal down. it will follow me for the remainder of the experience.
there was a connection with this woman, the likes of which i've never felt. i could feel her presence, literally feel it when we were close. she knew i was not from around town and asked how long i would be staying. i said till friday (it was a monday in my dream). "i'd better get going" i stated. she smiled and asked me to come back again before i leave.
i step out into the sun and a warm flash came over me. i got a phone call from my mom back in the states. she asked me if i was ready to board my plane. confusion set in as i was under the impression that i was in the fledgling stage of my journey. i reach into my pocket, shuffling through various scraps of paper and coins, i pull out my ticket and sure enough, my flight was scheduled for take off in a few hours. i rush back to the hotel room where my friends (didn't know them specifically, but i know they were friends, if that makes sense). they're already packed and looked impatient. i throw all my clothes into a brown suitcase and slam it shut. there was a red and green shirt hanging out the side of the sloppily packed luggage.
we hop in a golf cart and were whisked away through the semi crowded market streets. i could feel small sand particles brushing my warming cheeks as the sun burned overhead. the airport hanger was a bit off. it looked like an underground top secret bunker entrance, complete with short concrete pylons and armed guards. i could feel something was amiss when my friends faces started to sink a bit upon seeing this.
"are you ready?" my comrade queried. ready for what i thought. he gripped his luggage tight and let out a loud battle cry. the guards at the mouth of the bunker took stance with weapons drawn. the cart stopped and i fled, tripping over my parcel while exiting with much haste. the small animal that had been in tow kept pace with me as i could hear gun shots and the whistling of slugs screaming past my ears. i large explosion sent me to the ground. i could feel the heat push me off my feet, flying through the air, and landing in the dirt. the gritty taste lingered in my mouth as i pieced it all together. i was a terrorist. i had been on a mission, and backed out.
the last i remember of this part of the dream was closing my eyes in fear, and recalling the piercing green eyes, and comfortable connection i shared with the beauty behind the counter...i open my eyes to find i'm in disney world with my cousin...
**edit 2:** i'm not much of a writer, so i hope that was at least slightly entertaining. i corrected some spelling and grammar.
|
i was in the middle east for an unknown reason, feel in love with a beautiful woman, and my terrorist attack was thwarted by armed guards. then disney world!**
|
going to sleep last night with my nicotine patch on.
|
[
"if you're unfamiliar with this fuck up, it's not",
"always bad, but this particular time it was...",
"the short of it that the dreams are fucking",
"intense and as vivid as real life. i have done it",
"in the past, and try to avoid it at all costs.",
"the last time i forgot to take it off for a nap,",
"i woke up questioning reality on a major level.",
"last night's dream was crazy detailed, and seemed",
"more real than anything i've ever experienced. i",
"watched my cousin stab my other cousin in the",
"chest, he's 7. i spent the rest of the time",
"trying to get a refund for my ticket to disney",
"world, and i was covered in blood, so it wasn't",
"an easy task.",
"i woke up sweating and jumping out of bed ready",
"to go to the police or take some sort of action.",
"took me about a minute to realize i had my patch",
"on and i should just go back to sleep (which was",
"almost as hard as getting my money back for the",
"imaginary ticket).",
"didn't want to go into too much detail, but i",
"still remember every second of the events of the",
"dream, part of which i was getting shot at for",
"being a terrorist in the middle east. didn't want",
"to bore anyone, more than i already have.",
"**edit request for longer dream explanation**: so",
"aside from the whole disney world stabbing/refund",
"experience (this was the end of my lengthy dream)",
"i was also involved in a terrorist scheme.",
"i found myself in a middle eastern country",
"(unknown), and i was staying with some friends in",
"a hotel/complex. it had a nice courtyard pool,",
"the walls in the room were a bit aged, cracks",
"showing exposed wires, wobbly ceiling fan",
"overhead (3 blades in dire need of dusting), but",
"over all a nice place considering the surrounding",
"impoverished dwellings.",
"after getting settled into my room, i set out to",
"explore the town. i can remember going down two",
"flights of stairs and exiting the complex to a",
"covered market square. the hustle and bustle of",
"the shoppers was right out of national",
"geographic. people trading and i remember",
"overhearing an argument about the quality of the",
"figs that day (in english of course). i make my",
"way into a small indoor market, and i catch eyes",
"with one of the most beautiful women i've ever",
"seen. her skin was fair, and her green eyes",
"pierced through me as i walked towards her. our",
"gaze never broke as i passed by various shelves",
"of fresh fruit and flowers. i could smell the",
"aromas of each item i passed, but my attention",
"never broke from the emerald eyes staring at me.",
"i reached the counter and a soft voice asked me",
"what i was looking for. i wasn't sure as i was a",
"bit confused as to how i had reached this",
"destination in the first place. i mentioned i was",
"just browsing and broke eye contact for the first",
"time in what felt like an eternity. when i",
"brought my attention back to her she was holding",
"a small furry mammal (i think a ferret, but i'm",
"not 100% on this part). she said \"this is what",
"you came here for. i know. i could tell when you",
"walked in.\"",
"without even thinking about price, i reach into",
"my pocket and pull out a piece of paper and hand",
"it to her. not money mind you, but a 4 fold piece",
"of old paper. i remember it felt soft and",
"weathered, like someone had been in tight",
"possession of it for a long time. the trade went",
"off without a hitch, and i put the animal down.",
"it will follow me for the remainder of the",
"experience.",
"there was a connection with this woman, the likes",
"of which i've never felt. i could feel her",
"presence, literally feel it when we were close.",
"she knew i was not from around town and asked how",
"long i would be staying. i said till friday (it",
"was a monday in my dream). \"i'd better get going\"",
"i stated. she smiled and asked me to come back",
"again before i leave.",
"i step out into the sun and a warm flash came",
"over me. i got a phone call from my mom back in",
"the states. she asked me if i was ready to board",
"my plane. confusion set in as i was under the",
"impression that i was in the fledgling stage of",
"my journey. i reach into my pocket, shuffling",
"through various scraps of paper and coins, i pull",
"out my ticket and sure enough, my flight was",
"scheduled for take off in a few hours. i rush",
"back to the hotel room where my friends (didn't",
"know them specifically, but i know they were",
"friends, if that makes sense). they're already",
"packed and looked impatient. i throw all my",
"clothes into a brown suitcase and slam it shut.",
"there was a red and green shirt hanging out the",
"side of the sloppily packed luggage.",
"we hop in a golf cart and were whisked away",
"through the semi crowded market streets. i could",
"feel small sand particles brushing my warming",
"cheeks as the sun burned overhead. the airport",
"hanger was a bit off. it looked like an",
"underground top secret bunker entrance, complete",
"with short concrete pylons and armed guards. i",
"could feel something was amiss when my friends",
"faces started to sink a bit upon seeing this.",
"\"are you ready?\" my comrade queried. ready for",
"what i thought. he gripped his luggage tight and",
"let out a loud battle cry. the guards at the",
"mouth of the bunker took stance with weapons",
"drawn. the cart stopped and i fled, tripping over",
"my parcel while exiting with much haste. the",
"small animal that had been in tow kept pace with",
"me as i could hear gun shots and the whistling of",
"slugs screaming past my ears. i large explosion",
"sent me to the ground. i could feel the heat push",
"me off my feet, flying through the air, and",
"landing in the dirt. the gritty taste lingered in",
"my mouth as i pieced it all together. i was a",
"terrorist. i had been on a mission, and backed",
"out.",
"the last i remember of this part of the dream was",
"closing my eyes in fear, and recalling the",
"piercing green eyes, and comfortable connection i",
"shared with the beauty behind the counter...i",
"open my eyes to find i'm in disney world with my",
"cousin...",
"**edit 2:** i'm not much of a writer, so i hope",
"that was at least slightly entertaining. i",
"corrected some spelling and grammar."
] |
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being a terrorist in the middle east. didn't want (unknown), and i was staying with some friends in with short concrete pylons and armed guards. i open my eyes to find i'm in disney world with my
|
6 | 4 | 0.64 | 6 |
this was a year ago, but i digress..
so, i'd recently passed my driving test and i thought that as it was a reasonably nice day (it was dry, sunny and it not many people would be on the roads as it was 2pm on a school day), i would go for a drive on some country roads and gain some experience as i hadn't really driven on them before.
i set off, i went down a few windy roads and opened up onto a straight stretch - i live in england so the speed limit is 60mph on these roads for some unknown reason. there was a corner about 100 meters up ahead, and i was going about 35mph at this point when a car came around the corner at some speed.
now, this is where i fucked up. as i was relatively new to driving, i panicked as i thought neither car could fit on the road if we were to pass, so i slammed on the brakes.
the other car passed me, however on my side of the road, there was a deposit of mud along by the bank, where tractors had come out of a turning into a farm. by slamming the brakes on, i veered past the oncoming car and into a metal pole. i ripped the whole bumper off of the car and some of the side panels as well. the car wouldn't start either so i had to call the aa, and the axel had snapped making it impossible to steer.
my parents, as expected, were not happy, especially as it was my mum's car as well. luckily i didn't hit the other car, but it was £500 worth of damage.
this is a picture of the car after the crash - http://imgur.com/yhmuyw4
|
went for a drive to get some experience on some country roads, ended up crashing and causing £500 worth of damage.
|
going for a drive..
|
[
"this was a year ago, but i digress..",
"so, i'd recently passed my driving test and i",
"thought that as it was a reasonably nice day (it",
"was dry, sunny and it not many people would be on",
"the roads as it was 2pm on a school day), i would",
"go for a drive on some country roads and gain",
"some experience as i hadn't really driven on them",
"before.",
"i set off, i went down a few windy roads and",
"opened up onto a straight stretch - i live in",
"england so the speed limit is 60mph on these",
"roads for some unknown reason. there was a corner",
"about 100 meters up ahead, and i was going about",
"35mph at this point when a car came around the",
"corner at some speed.",
"now, this is where i fucked up. as i was",
"relatively new to driving, i panicked as i",
"thought neither car could fit on the road if we",
"were to pass, so i slammed on the brakes.",
"the other car passed me, however on my side of",
"the road, there was a deposit of mud along by the",
"bank, where tractors had come out of a turning",
"into a farm. by slamming the brakes on, i veered",
"past the oncoming car and into a metal pole. i",
"ripped the whole bumper off of the car and some",
"of the side panels as well. the car wouldn't",
"start either so i had to call the aa, and the",
"axel had snapped making it impossible to steer.",
"my parents, as expected, were not happy,",
"especially as it was my mum's car as well.",
"luckily i didn't hit the other car, but it was",
"£500 worth of damage.",
"this is a picture of the car after the crash -",
"http://imgur.com/yhmuyw4"
] |
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go for a drive on some country roads and gain £500 worth of damage.
|
9 | 10 | 0.75 | 9 |
a young female friend and i (m18) were riding home on a bus together after a tennis match (we both play), and we were sitting next to each other. i don't remember what prompted it, but she was playfully poking her finger around my face and i was acting like i was going to bite it to make her stop! well the first two times she moved her hand back quickly and i expected the same on the third, but instead she didn't move her finger, and i actually closed my mouth around it.
realizing what was happening, i didn't bite down, but rather slid off so it turned into more of a lick/suck. we stared awkwardly at each other for a few moments before i even more awkwardly said, "i thought you'd move that." she just looked at me.
|
a female friend and i were joking around and her finger accidentally wound up in mouth, making me look like i licked/sucked her finger.
|
licking my friends finger.
|
[
"a young female friend and i (m18) were riding home",
"on a bus together after a tennis match (we both",
"play), and we were sitting next to each other. i",
"don't remember what prompted it, but she was",
"playfully poking her finger around my face and i",
"was acting like i was going to bite it to make",
"her stop! well the first two times she moved her",
"hand back quickly and i expected the same on the",
"third, but instead she didn't move her finger,",
"and i actually closed my mouth around it.",
"realizing what was happening, i didn't bite",
"down, but rather slid off so it turned into more",
"of a lick/suck. we stared awkwardly at each other",
"for a few moments before i even more awkwardly",
"said, \"i thought you'd move that.\" she just",
"looked at me."
] |
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] |
a young female friend and i (m18) were riding home playfully poking her finger around my face and i looked at me.
|
24 | 8 | 1 | 24 |
so, it's like 6pm, just get off work. my coworkers and i plan to go get a few drinks, and then call it a night, we all have work the next morning.
long story short, a few drinks end up being many drinks, which leads us to our first liquor store, where we proceed to get some cigarettes and tallcans... and a flask of fireball (if you don't know what it is, picture liquid big red gum, with a rather potent alcohol content)
we proceed to a park, where we drink the tallcans, and the whole flask of fireball..
..we then start walking, and end up at another liquor store... more tallcans purchased, as well as more fireball, at my insistance.
-wash rinse repeat, all booze is quickly finished in an alley near liquor store.
we start to head back in the general direction of our said houses.
more booze purchased along the way, and promptly finished.
at this point, i begin to think i am the fireball king... sadly, i am not.
we begin to walk up a set of brick steps leading to my friend's domicile..
i decide that gravity is something that i can overcome, since i am, of course, the fireball master.
i fall backwards down about 20-something steps, landing in a crumpled heap... i tell my friend to "leave me here, i'm ok" (picture this in some sort of sappy, wwi-esque manner)
friend drags me inside, fall asleep on couch, piss myself during the night
wake up in the morning, sore as fuck, and unable to stand on my left ankle because of extreme pain.
my friend tries to get me to come to work, i say no, i will be of no use.
end up going to urgent care, find out i have a sprained ankle, and a few torn ligaments.
can't work for 2 weeks.
tifu
|
got drunk, thought i was invincible, fell down a flight of steps and severely fucked up my ankle and pride.
|
drinking fireball
|
[
"so, it's like 6pm, just get off work. my",
"coworkers and i plan to go get a few drinks, and",
"then call it a night, we all have work the next",
"morning.",
"long story short, a few drinks end up being many",
"drinks, which leads us to our first liquor store,",
"where we proceed to get some cigarettes and",
"tallcans... and a flask of fireball (if you don't",
"know what it is, picture liquid big red gum, with",
"a rather potent alcohol content)",
"we proceed to a park, where we drink the",
"tallcans, and the whole flask of fireball..",
"..we then start walking, and end up at another",
"liquor store... more tallcans purchased, as well",
"as more fireball, at my insistance.",
"-wash rinse repeat, all booze is quickly finished",
"in an alley near liquor store.",
"we start to head back in the general direction of",
"our said houses.",
"more booze purchased along the way, and promptly",
"finished.",
"at this point, i begin to think i am the fireball",
"king... sadly, i am not.",
"we begin to walk up a set of brick steps leading",
"to my friend's domicile..",
"i decide that gravity is something that i can",
"overcome, since i am, of course, the fireball",
"master.",
"i fall backwards down about 20-something steps,",
"landing in a crumpled heap... i tell my friend to",
"\"leave me here, i'm ok\" (picture this in some",
"sort of sappy, wwi-esque manner)",
"friend drags me inside, fall asleep on couch,",
"piss myself during the night",
"wake up in the morning, sore as fuck, and unable",
"to stand on my left ankle because of extreme",
"pain.",
"my friend tries to get me to come to work, i say",
"no, i will be of no use.",
"end up going to urgent care, find out i have a",
"sprained ankle, and a few torn ligaments.",
"can't work for 2 weeks.\n\ntifu"
] |
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i fall backwards down about 20-something steps, to stand on my left ankle because of extreme sprained ankle, and a few torn ligaments.
|
114 | 37 | 0.95 | 114 |
sorry for massive wall of text.
yesterday, i was feeling really bloated and backed up, and being the hypochondriac that i am, i went and popped laxatives without even thinking twice about my actions. about an hour later, i'm on my way to a friend's house to hit the gym and then have a sleep over. half way through my work out, i start feeling the tell-tale laxative cramps, you know, the ones that come a few hours before your shit. i work out for an hour, and on the way home, i comment to my friend that i feel a tad nauseous. she suggests we have dinner, and i agree. then, i indulge in the biggest fucking omelette i have ever eaten. i'm talking 5 eggs, and all sorts of fillings. then comes the rumbling. as were cozying up to watch a movie, my gut starts rumbling like nothing else, so loud that the girl i was staying with commented. i start panicking, assuming that i was gonna either shit myself, or throw up, and call my mom asking her about the dosage on the laxatives. she tells me i'll be fine, so i go to bed. in the middle of the night, i wake up and run, butt cheeks clenched, to the bathroom, very nearly shitting my pants. diarrhea. tons of diarrhea. i panic, and try to flush as quietly as possible as to avoid waking up anyone else in the house. to my horror, the toilet wont flush. the water drained a bit, but nothing really went down. i start crying silently, and praying to the porcelain gods to take my offering, but to no avail. i take the lid of the toilet off the tank to see if there's anything i can do to fix the toilet without making too much noise. as soon as i take a peek inside, im shocked to find that the tank is completely empty, so i do what any sane, dignity-valuing house guest would do: i take the trash can, fill it with water a little at a time, and slowly try to refill the tank by trickling water from the trashcan down the wall of the tank so it doesn't take noise. after about an hour of painstaking tank-filling, leaving the tank about a quarter full, i try to flush it again. it helps, but there's still shitty-water in the bowl. i try filling the tank again, and repeated that process three more times until i get a complete flush. i put everything back, and by the time i get back to bed, it's 6:43am, and i had been out of bed for 2 1/2 hours trying to get a fucking toilet to flush.
|
take a laxative, desperately need to shit at 4am, toilet wont flush and spend the next 2 1/2 hours trying to fix the toilet as quietly as possible so i don't have to wake my host and tell her i had diarrhea.
|
taking laxatives before going to a sleepover.
|
[
"sorry for massive wall of text.",
"yesterday, i was feeling really bloated and",
"backed up, and being the hypochondriac that i am,",
"i went and popped laxatives without even thinking",
"twice about my actions. about an hour later, i'm",
"on my way to a friend's house to hit the gym and",
"then have a sleep over. half way through my work",
"out, i start feeling the tell-tale laxative",
"cramps, you know, the ones that come a few hours",
"before your shit. i work out for an hour, and on",
"the way home, i comment to my friend that i feel",
"a tad nauseous. she suggests we have dinner, and",
"i agree. then, i indulge in the biggest fucking",
"omelette i have ever eaten. i'm talking 5 eggs,",
"and all sorts of fillings. then comes the",
"rumbling. as were cozying up to watch a movie, my",
"gut starts rumbling like nothing else, so loud",
"that the girl i was staying with commented. i",
"start panicking, assuming that i was gonna either",
"shit myself, or throw up, and call my mom asking",
"her about the dosage on the laxatives. she tells",
"me i'll be fine, so i go to bed. in the middle of",
"the night, i wake up and run, butt cheeks",
"clenched, to the bathroom, very nearly shitting",
"my pants. diarrhea. tons of diarrhea. i panic,",
"and try to flush as quietly as possible as to",
"avoid waking up anyone else in the house. to my",
"horror, the toilet wont flush. the water drained",
"a bit, but nothing really went down. i start",
"crying silently, and praying to the porcelain",
"gods to take my offering, but to no avail. i take",
"the lid of the toilet off the tank to see if",
"there's anything i can do to fix the toilet",
"without making too much noise. as soon as i take",
"a peek inside, im shocked to find that the tank",
"is completely empty, so i do what any sane,",
"dignity-valuing house guest would do: i take the",
"trash can, fill it with water a little at a time,",
"and slowly try to refill the tank by trickling",
"water from the trashcan down the wall of the tank",
"so it doesn't take noise. after about an hour of",
"painstaking tank-filling, leaving the tank about",
"a quarter full, i try to flush it again. it",
"helps, but there's still shitty-water in the",
"bowl. i try filling the tank again, and repeated",
"that process three more times until i get a",
"complete flush. i put everything back, and by the",
"time i get back to bed, it's 6:43am, and i had",
"been out of bed for 2 1/2 hours trying to get a",
"fucking toilet to flush."
] |
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and try to flush as quietly as possible as to horror, the toilet wont flush. the water drained there's anything i can do to fix the toilet been out of bed for 2 1/2 hours trying to get a
|
84 | 21 | 0.91 | 84 |
so i come home from work today and my girlfriend is cooking supper. i asked how long it would be. she responded with about 10 minutes. i told her i was going to take a quick shower. upon getting ready to shower, i decided my pubes could use a little maintenance.
i have a hair trimmer with various length plastic attachments, the kind that have pointy ends. i'm cruising along making good time, finishing up the bottom of my nut sack. well, i will just say that the pointy ends of a trimmer attachment can quickly puncture a nut sack, for it pierced 2 holes in the bottom of my sack, which started dripping blood profusely pretty much immediately.
i quickly grabbed some toilet paper and tried to stop the bleeding, but that ended up soaked in blood rather quickly. at this point, there is purple blood gushing out of my ball sack, and i'm starting to freak out, so i jumped in the shower. after showering i was still bleeding a little, so i decided to clean it with rubbing alcohol. (which caused more pain, but seemed to slow the bleeding and lessen my fear of infection) i thought about putting a band-aid over it, but decided against that idea for obvious reasons.
here i sit 2 hours later with dried blood on my ball sack, hoping it heals fast, and i'm also hoping i didn't puncture anything too important. i told my girlfriend about the whole ordeal, and of course she wanted to see it. i showed her, she cringed, asked if i was ok, and laughed.
|
don't rush through shaving down there, if you don't think you have time, don't bother.
|
quickly trying to trim my pubes.
|
[
"so i come home from work today and my girlfriend",
"is cooking supper. i asked how long it would be.",
"she responded with about 10 minutes. i told her",
"i was going to take a quick shower. upon getting",
"ready to shower, i decided my pubes could use a",
"little maintenance.",
"i have a hair trimmer with various length plastic",
"attachments, the kind that have pointy ends. i'm",
"cruising along making good time, finishing up the",
"bottom of my nut sack. well, i will just say",
"that the pointy ends of a trimmer attachment can",
"quickly puncture a nut sack, for it pierced 2",
"holes in the bottom of my sack, which started",
"dripping blood profusely pretty much immediately.",
"i quickly grabbed some toilet paper and tried to",
"stop the bleeding, but that ended up soaked in",
"blood rather quickly. at this point, there is",
"purple blood gushing out of my ball sack, and i'm",
"starting to freak out, so i jumped in the shower.",
"after showering i was still bleeding a little,",
"so i decided to clean it with rubbing alcohol.",
"(which caused more pain, but seemed to slow the",
"bleeding and lessen my fear of infection) i",
"thought about putting a band-aid over it, but",
"decided against that idea for obvious reasons.",
"here i sit 2 hours later with dried blood on my",
"ball sack, hoping it heals fast, and i'm also",
"hoping i didn't puncture anything too important.",
"i told my girlfriend about the whole ordeal, and",
"of course she wanted to see it. i showed her,",
"she cringed, asked if i was ok, and laughed."
] |
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attachments, the kind that have pointy ends. i'm cruising along making good time, finishing up the
|
213 | 41 | 0.89 | 213 |
this happened a couple days ago, but whatever.
saturday night, eating dinner with the gf, feeling randy, and know i'm gonna get some tonight, i can just tell.
finish dinner, it's her friends birthday so she wants to go to a bar but i'm exhausted from drinking all night with my friends the night before, so she goes drinking and i wait up for her, buy myself a couple old e's in tall cans and pass the time on reddit.
she gets home, sexytime commences.
all sorts of positions, all over the room, best lay i've had in a few weeks for sure. i have her laying down facing me on the bed, i'm standing off the bed and her legs are over my head.
feel the climax coming, so i get ready to pull out. i've been playing a game where i try to hit her in the tits, neck, or face with my cum--which i did that night, but for all the wrong reasons.
i pull out, and she moves her legs a bit and i sort of lose my grip/collapse because i'm, you know...
bang. searing pain in my oldboy, and there's no cum yet. i quickly push myself off of her and shoot the farthest cum ever. like, all the way over her head. i had temporarily, for like 2 seconds, blocked all my semen from coming out because when i collapsed, i pushed my chuck berry right into her pubic bone, which cut off the flow.
temporary pain is gone, we fall asleep, but the next morning when i get up to pee, i experience, hands down, the worst pain in my life. imagine razor blades being forced down your urethra (some of you sick fucks probably do this for fun) while you unless a hot stream of post-coital piss. i couldn't stand up after my pee, and when i looked at my leadbelly, it looked like blind willie mctell.
swollen tip, head, sides, everything. awful. this continued for a few days until i went to see the urologist. i wasn't about to go to the er on sunday in new york city to wait in line for 4 hours and get some sass from a resident who didn't give two fucks about my broken dick and not give me anything to ease the pain.
go to urologist yesterday, he's like "dude, you traumatized your urethra. take a urinary analgesic, they sell 'em over the counter."
so i did that, and now i wait. the pain is subsiding with each piss, but my piss is bright orange and kind of syrupy looking when it hits the water. i don't care though, i feel better, and more like a normal person who doesn't scream and almost cry when he pees.
edit: who's gonna start /r/nydadb (naming your dick after dead bluesmen)?
|
i almost broke the neck on roy orbison's gibbo.
|
traumatizing my urethra.
|
[
"this happened a couple days ago, but whatever.",
"saturday night, eating dinner with the gf,",
"feeling randy, and know i'm gonna get some",
"tonight, i can just tell.",
"finish dinner, it's her friends birthday so she",
"wants to go to a bar but i'm exhausted from",
"drinking all night with my friends the night",
"before, so she goes drinking and i wait up for",
"her, buy myself a couple old e's in tall cans and",
"pass the time on reddit.",
"she gets home, sexytime commences.",
"all sorts of positions, all over the room, best",
"lay i've had in a few weeks for sure. i have her",
"laying down facing me on the bed, i'm standing",
"off the bed and her legs are over my head.",
"feel the climax coming, so i get ready to pull",
"out. i've been playing a game where i try to hit",
"her in the tits, neck, or face with my cum--which",
"i did that night, but for all the wrong reasons.",
"i pull out, and she moves her legs a bit and i",
"sort of lose my grip/collapse because i'm, you",
"know...",
"bang. searing pain in my oldboy, and there's no",
"cum yet. i quickly push myself off of her and",
"shoot the farthest cum ever. like, all the way",
"over her head. i had temporarily, for like 2",
"seconds, blocked all my semen from coming out",
"because when i collapsed, i pushed my chuck berry",
"right into her pubic bone, which cut off the",
"flow.",
"temporary pain is gone, we fall asleep, but the",
"next morning when i get up to pee, i experience,",
"hands down, the worst pain in my life. imagine",
"razor blades being forced down your urethra (some",
"of you sick fucks probably do this for fun) while",
"you unless a hot stream of post-coital piss. i",
"couldn't stand up after my pee, and when i looked",
"at my leadbelly, it looked like blind willie",
"mctell.",
"swollen tip, head, sides, everything. awful.",
"this continued for a few days until i went to see",
"the urologist. i wasn't about to go to the er on",
"sunday in new york city to wait in line for 4",
"hours and get some sass from a resident who",
"didn't give two fucks about my broken dick and",
"not give me anything to ease the pain.",
"go to urologist yesterday, he's like \"dude, you",
"traumatized your urethra. take a urinary",
"analgesic, they sell 'em over the counter.\"",
"so i did that, and now i wait. the pain is",
"subsiding with each piss, but my piss is bright",
"orange and kind of syrupy looking when it hits",
"the water. i don't care though, i feel better,",
"and more like a normal person who doesn't scream",
"and almost cry when he pees.",
"edit: who's gonna start /r/nydadb (naming your",
"dick after dead bluesmen)?"
] |
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the urologist. i wasn't about to go to the er on
|
37 | 4 | 0.88 | 37 |
today is quite hot where i live and, after my workout i really needed to take a shower.
no problem so far. i shampoo and rinse, thinking i am done and ready to leave. i rub over my head just to realize that i left a spot behind my ear still foamy. this is where the fuck up happened. being lazy and not wanting to move i try to turn the water back on while pressing against the wall of my shower.
now, to avoid turning into an ice cube i turn the temperature knob quickly and without a second thought all the way to the warm side.
this turned out to be a bad idea. because now the water is steaming hot and runs over most of my body; turning my chest into the color of a well done lobster and burning my balls. the pain was immediate and sharp; the right side of my bollocks turns into a deep red, almost filling the air with the smell of hard boiled eggs.
i now sit on the couch, my legs wrapped around a nice cold bottle of water. ouch!
**
|
so that's what getting a bj from a dragon feels like.**
|
taking a hot shower
|
[
"today is quite hot where i live and, after my",
"workout i really needed to take a shower.",
"no problem so far. i shampoo and rinse, thinking",
"i am done and ready to leave. i rub over my head",
"just to realize that i left a spot behind my ear",
"still foamy. this is where the fuck up happened.",
"being lazy and not wanting to move i try to turn",
"the water back on while pressing against the wall",
"of my shower.",
"now, to avoid turning into an ice cube i turn the",
"temperature knob quickly and without a second",
"thought all the way to the warm side.",
"this turned out to be a bad idea. because now the",
"water is steaming hot and runs over most of my",
"body; turning my chest into the color of a well",
"done lobster and burning my balls. the pain was",
"immediate and sharp; the right side of my",
"bollocks turns into a deep red, almost filling",
"the air with the smell of hard boiled eggs.",
"i now sit on the couch, my legs wrapped around a",
"nice cold bottle of water. ouch!",
"**"
] |
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no problem so far. i shampoo and rinse, thinking temperature knob quickly and without a second
|
0 | 0 | 0.29 | 0 |
so last night i was leaving the bar after a goodbye party for an old roommate of mine, needless to say i was pretty drunk. as i'm leaving i see a girl walking up to me and she seems pretty excited to see me and shouts my name. i respond with "hey, i know you" and she thinks i'm joking about not knowing her name and laughs it off. but then she realized i wasn't joking and got rightfully upset. we don't see each other often, but we've known each other for a very long time. now i feel like a dick and she's not very impressed.
|
drinking can affect long term memory too.
|
forgetting a friend of 5 years name.
|
[
"so last night i was leaving the bar after a",
"goodbye party for an old roommate of mine,",
"needless to say i was pretty drunk. as i'm",
"leaving i see a girl walking up to me and she",
"seems pretty excited to see me and shouts my",
"name. i respond with \"hey, i know you\" and she",
"thinks i'm joking about not knowing her name and",
"laughs it off. but then she realized i wasn't",
"joking and got rightfully upset. we don't see",
"each other often, but we've known each other for",
"a very long time. now i feel like a dick and",
"she's not very impressed."
] |
[
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
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a very long time. now i feel like a dick and
|
12 | 1 | 0.78 | 12 |
i am refinishing a bench i got from my neighbor's trash (don't judge me). i put stain/poly on the boards for it and then went to wash the brush. for some reason i thought washing the brush bare-handed was a good idea, and proceeded to fan out the brush with my hands under the water. fuck, sticky hands.
i called my dad, the all-knowing about tools, paint, etc. he told me to grab some mineral spirits and use that on my hands to get the stain/poly off, after laughing at my stupidity. i grabbed a rag and went to walk from the 2nd floor to the basement. two steps before getting to the 1st floor, i slipped on the stairs and busted my ass. i'm surprised my neighbors didn't hear me scream. i carefully got to the basement and the mineral spirits worked pretty well, so there's that.
|
got stain/poly on my hands, then fell down the steps.
|
not thinking clearly
|
[
"i am refinishing a bench i got from my neighbor's",
"trash (don't judge me). i put stain/poly on the",
"boards for it and then went to wash the brush.",
"for some reason i thought washing the brush",
"bare-handed was a good idea, and proceeded to fan",
"out the brush with my hands under the water.",
"fuck, sticky hands.",
"i called my dad, the all-knowing about tools,",
"paint, etc. he told me to grab some mineral",
"spirits and use that on my hands to get the",
"stain/poly off, after laughing at my stupidity. i",
"grabbed a rag and went to walk from the 2nd floor",
"to the basement. two steps before getting to the",
"1st floor, i slipped on the stairs and busted my",
"ass. i'm surprised my neighbors didn't hear me",
"scream. i carefully got to the basement and the",
"mineral spirits worked pretty well, so there's",
"that."
] |
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spirits and use that on my hands to get the
|
1,279 | 607 | 0.92 | 1,279 |
i'm a 16 year old girl with no car and a crazy libido.
this combination meant that i'd never gotten the chance to get my hands on any sex toy of any kind.
well, yesterday i woke up and had had enough; enough of using the showerhead and getting yelled at for taking an hour to bathe, enough of humping pillows and shoving a sharpie up my butt to get the job done. enough! i am a sexual being and i deserve a decent sexual experience!
but... but, coochbuzzthrowaway, why don't you just ask your mommy to get you one?
well dear friends, i'm a person that easily gets overly embarrassed. i blush when people i don't know well talk to me, when i was little i'd literally hide from the tv when lizzie mcguire did something embarrassing, [r/cringe](http://www.reddit.com/r/cringe/) practically gives me a heart attack sometimes. no way, i can do that.
so i form a plan. i'm practically drawing up blueprints for this shit. i'll get my mother to drive to walmart and go sneakily buy a cooch buzzer and a few normal things and hide it. it's genius, foolproof, exquisite.
nope.
day 1:
mom comes in with me to buy some groceries.
nevermind,jpg
day 2:
ok, she's coming in to buy cat food, but i got this now.
i'll just sneak off and grab it, right? wrong. as soon as i run off to go get "something to wrap my ankle with" (i hurt myself a few weeks ago) and obtain my toy and a huge pack of batteries, she starts hunting for me near the registers. i go all secret agent up in this bitch avoiding her. yeah, that didn't work. i'm holding a shirt i plan on buying to hide my contraband from everyone so she doesn't even notice it.
"oh honey, just put your stuff in the cart."
start making excuses, she refutes them. this goes on for an eternity.
fine. just show it to her, you big baby.
"you're sixteen, it's perfectly normal. of course i'll buy it for you".
wait, how can this possibly be a tifu then?
i promptly started crying from embarrassment in the middle of the store holding a vibrator while my mother consoled me. keep in mind i live in a very small, 90% mormon area. i see people i go to school with all the time in there and buying something to pleasure yourself with isn't exactly praised.
i have no idea if anyone i know saw me, but a lot of strangers got an eyeful of me crying over a sex toy.
edit: spelled mormon wrong. dang it, bobby.
|
tried to buy a cooch buzzer and ended up crying in walmart.**
|
trying to discreetly buy a cooch buzzer.
|
[
"i'm a 16 year old girl with no car and a crazy",
"libido.",
"this combination meant that i'd never gotten the",
"chance to get my hands on any sex toy of any",
"kind.",
"well, yesterday i woke up and had had enough;",
"enough of using the showerhead and getting yelled",
"at for taking an hour to bathe, enough of humping",
"pillows and shoving a sharpie up my butt to get",
"the job done. enough! i am a sexual being and i",
"deserve a decent sexual experience!",
"but... but, coochbuzzthrowaway, why don't you",
"just ask your mommy to get you one?",
"well dear friends, i'm a person that easily gets",
"overly embarrassed. i blush when people i don't",
"know well talk to me, when i was little i'd",
"literally hide from the tv when lizzie mcguire",
"did something embarrassing,",
"[r/cringe](http://www.reddit.com/r/cringe/)",
"practically gives me a heart attack sometimes. no",
"way, i can do that.",
"so i form a plan. i'm practically drawing up",
"blueprints for this shit. i'll get my mother to",
"drive to walmart and go sneakily buy a cooch",
"buzzer and a few normal things and hide it. it's",
"genius, foolproof, exquisite.",
"nope. \nday 1:",
"mom comes in with me to buy some groceries.",
"nevermind,jpg \n \nday 2:",
"ok, she's coming in to buy cat food, but i got",
"this now.",
"i'll just sneak off and grab it, right? wrong. as",
"soon as i run off to go get \"something to wrap my",
"ankle with\" (i hurt myself a few weeks ago) and",
"obtain my toy and a huge pack of batteries, she",
"starts hunting for me near the registers. i go",
"all secret agent up in this bitch avoiding her.",
"yeah, that didn't work. i'm holding a shirt i",
"plan on buying to hide my contraband from",
"everyone so she doesn't even notice it.",
"\"oh honey, just put your stuff in the cart.\"",
"start making excuses, she refutes them. this goes",
"on for an eternity.",
"fine. just show it to her, you big baby.",
"\"you're sixteen, it's perfectly normal. of course",
"i'll buy it for you\".",
"wait, how can this possibly be a tifu then?",
"i promptly started crying from embarrassment in",
"the middle of the store holding a vibrator while",
"my mother consoled me. keep in mind i live in a",
"very small, 90% mormon area. i see people i go to",
"school with all the time in there and buying",
"something to pleasure yourself with isn't exactly",
"praised.",
"i have no idea if anyone i know saw me, but a lot",
"of strangers got an eyeful of me crying over a",
"sex toy.",
"edit: spelled mormon wrong. dang it, bobby."
] |
[
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0,
0,
0.725795369707597,
0,
0
] |
drive to walmart and go sneakily buy a cooch
|
45 | 4 | 0.91 | 45 |
i walked on the bus, and i sat near the front. the bus was full, and this old lady who i presume is about 90 walked on. just like anyone who is young and has manners should do, i stood up to let her sit, but i forgot my umbrella was on the ground. i tripped up and completely fell on the old lady making her down on the ground, me on top her on the bottom. she was a huge woman, i was surprised a woman of that size could have reached that age. when i had fallen on her, a giant un-ladylike fart (or at least i hope it was a fart) plopped straight out of her. it took me, the bus driver and three other guys to try and help her up and she eventually managed to stand, and i feel truly awful for what i have done. what was probably the worst thing was that everyone was giving me a terrible look as if i had just tripped over an umbrella to get into an awkward position with a 90 year old woman, and this little girl who couldn't have been older than 10 asked her mum loudly "was that rape?" i got off at the next stop and walked an hour or two home.
|
tried offering old woman on the bus a seat, tripped up and fell on her**
|
offering an old lady a seat on the bus and tripping.
|
[
"i walked on the bus, and i sat near the front. the",
"bus was full, and this old lady who i presume is",
"about 90 walked on. just like anyone who is young",
"and has manners should do, i stood up to let her",
"sit, but i forgot my umbrella was on the ground.",
"i tripped up and completely fell on the old lady",
"making her down on the ground, me on top her on",
"the bottom. she was a huge woman, i was surprised",
"a woman of that size could have reached that age.",
"when i had fallen on her, a giant un-ladylike",
"fart (or at least i hope it was a fart) plopped",
"straight out of her. it took me, the bus driver",
"and three other guys to try and help her up and",
"she eventually managed to stand, and i feel truly",
"awful for what i have done. what was probably the",
"worst thing was that everyone was giving me a",
"terrible look as if i had just tripped over an",
"umbrella to get into an awkward position with a",
"90 year old woman, and this little girl who",
"couldn't have been older than 10 asked her mum",
"loudly \"was that rape?\" i got off at the next",
"stop and walked an hour or two home."
] |
[
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0.5883104191144205,
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0.9505736039819463,
0.007371366148224395,
0.025556069259994738,
0.03624428179475968
] |
i tripped up and completely fell on the old lady
|
25 | 8 | 0.89 | 25 |
so for the past 2 months i've been involved in organising this international case competition at my university. i'm the vp corporate relations and sponsorships so i go to meetings in hope of getting money for the competition.
this morning i had a meeting with a faculty member who has a lot of contacts in the industry and can hook me up with useful networking channels.
in the middle of the meeting, he asks me to bring up my research and stuff so we can discuss potential targets. i had the document open on one desktop (mac osx lion) and i was taking notes on another desktop. instead of swiping 3 fingers to the left, i accidentally swiped my fingers upwards and so there was my background photo and all the desktops around it. my background was [this](http://pds.exblog.jp/pds/1/201209/12/42/b0171442_1161584.jpg) picture of spring breakers (the movie). i change the desktop really fast but the damage was done. he then jokingly said "what about those girls on your desktop? are you trying to get them on board too?". i died at that moment and although the whole situation loosened up the seriousness of the meeting, i knew for a fact that he looks at me differently now. if he doesn't decide to help, my job gets exponentially harder cause i need his contacts.
i hope he isn't disappointed and i still have him as a helping hand.. you know?
|
accidentally switched to my desktop with a picture of spring brakers (the movie) during a serious and important business meeting.
|
having an inappropriate desktop background at an important business meeting
|
[
"so for the past 2 months i've been involved in",
"organising this international case competition at",
"my university. i'm the vp corporate relations and",
"sponsorships so i go to meetings in hope of",
"getting money for the competition.",
"this morning i had a meeting with a faculty",
"member who has a lot of contacts in the industry",
"and can hook me up with useful networking",
"channels.",
"in the middle of the meeting, he asks me to bring",
"up my research and stuff so we can discuss",
"potential targets. i had the document open on one",
"desktop (mac osx lion) and i was taking notes on",
"another desktop. instead of swiping 3 fingers to",
"the left, i accidentally swiped my fingers",
"upwards and so there was my background photo and",
"all the desktops around it. my background was",
"[this](http://pds.exblog.jp/pds/1/201209/12/42/b0",
"171442_1161584.jpg)",
"picture of spring breakers (the movie). i change",
"the desktop really fast but the damage was done.",
"he then jokingly said \"what about those girls on",
"your desktop? are you trying to get them on board",
"too?\". i died at that moment and although the",
"whole situation loosened up the seriousness of",
"the meeting, i knew for a fact that he looks at",
"me differently now. if he doesn't decide to help,",
"my job gets exponentially harder cause i need his",
"contacts.",
"i hope he isn't disappointed and i still have him",
"as a helping hand.. you know?"
] |
[
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0.02998778192367983,
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0.018634993391135436,
0.06819134539179911
] |
this morning i had a meeting with a faculty the left, i accidentally swiped my fingers picture of spring breakers (the movie). i change
|
35 | 11 | 0.83 | 35 |
one of my friends was in town and was crashing at my place. we'd handled a 6 pack and a vodka at home and were starting to feel the munchies around 12:30.
conveniently, it was time for the last of the dog's trifecta of walks for the day so we decided that we'd grab some food to go and then take her to the dog park.
this being manhattan, there is a lot of late night food selection. we decided on a local cheesesteak place in the neighborhood. we called on the way only to be told that they only do delivery, not take out, and that we'd have to order when we get there (the logic here is beyond me).
when we get to the pub/restaurant we tied the dog to the poll outside (i think this is the saddest thing ever when i see it and i hate myself for being one of "those people"). we order, and the bartender says it will be a while so we got another vodka. after the food comes out we pay the tab and go outside to grab the pup only to find that she's missing. this is around 1.
i start frantically panicking and running up and down all of hell's kitchen.
by 1:30 i'd searched 3 dog parks and most of the streets by the pub and in the general direction of the apartment. i'm rounding the corner of my street when a cop waves me down asking me if i was missing a dog. i said yes. he says he found a dog walking down the onramp to the lincoln tunnel. i get reunited with the puppy.
btw, this is my roommates dog that we both take care of.
edit: ease on the eyes.
|
went to grab food --> tied up dog while inside --> came outside to find her missing --> search for an hour --> cop waves me down saying he found the dog.
|
losing the dog...
|
[
"one of my friends was in town and was crashing at",
"my place. we'd handled a 6 pack and a vodka at",
"home and were starting to feel the munchies",
"around 12:30.",
"conveniently, it was time for the last of the",
"dog's trifecta of walks for the day so we decided",
"that we'd grab some food to go and then take her",
"to the dog park.",
"this being manhattan, there is a lot of late",
"night food selection. we decided on a local",
"cheesesteak place in the neighborhood. we called",
"on the way only to be told that they only do",
"delivery, not take out, and that we'd have to",
"order when we get there (the logic here is beyond",
"me).",
"when we get to the pub/restaurant we tied the dog",
"to the poll outside (i think this is the saddest",
"thing ever when i see it and i hate myself for",
"being one of \"those people\"). we order, and the",
"bartender says it will be a while so we got",
"another vodka. after the food comes out we pay",
"the tab and go outside to grab the pup only to",
"find that she's missing. this is around 1.",
"i start frantically panicking and running up and",
"down all of hell's kitchen.",
"by 1:30 i'd searched 3 dog parks and most of the",
"streets by the pub and in the general direction",
"of the apartment. i'm rounding the corner of my",
"street when a cop waves me down asking me if i",
"was missing a dog. i said yes. he says he found a",
"dog walking down the onramp to the lincoln",
"tunnel. i get reunited with the puppy.",
"btw, this is my roommates dog that we both take",
"care of.",
"edit: ease on the eyes."
] |
[
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0.04119099610755548,
0.04468066152109542,
0.0017418992306451966,
0,
0.00252930580712726
] |
to the dog park. the tab and go outside to grab the pup only to street when a cop waves me down asking me if i was missing a dog. i said yes. he says he found a
|
776 | 417 | 0.92 | 776 |
this past week i have been helping some good friends of my family move out of their house. very nice respectable people (husband and wife). so the other day the husband (lets call him bob) my two friends and i are helping him pack his garage when he offers for us to smoke some weed with him. being the pothead i am, he didn't have to ask me twice. so he pulls out this funky looking pipe and i jokingly say, that looks like a crack pipe! and we all laugh as he says that he just got some wax. well i have never smoked wax, so he teaches me the way he does it, and i light my hit. i do what he tells me and then i get a very funny taste in my mouth. i instantly say "wow, that doesn't taste anything like weed i've smoked." and bob replies "of course it doesn't." i look at him with a puzzling look on my face and he says: "you didn't smoke weed, you just smoked amphetamine. you know meth-amphetamine." as long as i have known this man i knew he was a pot-smoker, but never knew he was a meth addict. i guess it all makes sense now, because he can rebuild a car or bike engine in one night. (on meth i'm guessing).
|
i thought i was smoking marijuana, but i was tricked into smoking meth.
|
accidentally smoking meth.
|
[
"this past week i have been helping some good",
"friends of my family move out of their house.",
"very nice respectable people (husband and wife).",
"so the other day the husband (lets call him bob)",
"my two friends and i are helping him pack his",
"garage when he offers for us to smoke some weed",
"with him. being the pothead i am, he didn't have",
"to ask me twice. so he pulls out this funky",
"looking pipe and i jokingly say, that looks like",
"a crack pipe! and we all laugh as he says that he",
"just got some wax. well i have never smoked wax,",
"so he teaches me the way he does it, and i light",
"my hit. i do what he tells me and then i get a",
"very funny taste in my mouth. i instantly say",
"\"wow, that doesn't taste anything like weed i've",
"smoked.\" and bob replies \"of course it doesn't.\"",
"i look at him with a puzzling look on my face and",
"he says: \"you didn't smoke weed, you just smoked",
"amphetamine. you know meth-amphetamine.\" as long",
"as i have known this man i knew he was a",
"pot-smoker, but never knew he was a meth addict.",
"i guess it all makes sense now, because he can",
"rebuild a car or bike engine in one night. (on",
"meth i'm guessing)."
] |
[
0.10027035828348661,
0,
0,
0,
0.0901541532390579,
0,
0.0901541532390579,
0,
0.10027035828348661,
0,
0.10027035828348661,
0.08134201880005743,
0,
0.10027035828348661,
0,
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0.08134201880005743,
0,
0,
0.5980716101597192,
0.6498565939214084,
0.0901541532390579,
0,
1
] |
as i have known this man i knew he was a pot-smoker, but never knew he was a meth addict.
|
33 | 49 | 0.85 | 33 |
i am a straight male. i enjoy anal play. i have a plastic bag with two (rather large) toys and two containers of lube. i put this under my mattress and today my grandpa and i were putting carpet in my room. we move the bed and i realize my mistake right as we're removing the top mattress. my grandfather is on the other side of the bed where the plastic bag was. i turn my head the other way and continue moving the mattress to avoid the shame. i see him look through the bag suspiciously. no eye contact. he quickly realizes what it is and puts the bag to the side, making no comment to the contents; he can only guess whether the toys are for me or my so. we finish the job without a word about the bag.
|
grandpa and i move bed. he finds my anal toys, tosses bag to the side. no conversation about it.
|
leaving my butt toys under my mattress
|
[
"i am a straight male. i enjoy anal play. i have a",
"plastic bag with two (rather large) toys and two",
"containers of lube. i put this under my mattress",
"and today my grandpa and i were putting carpet in",
"my room. we move the bed and i realize my mistake",
"right as we're removing the top mattress. my",
"grandfather is on the other side of the bed where",
"the plastic bag was. i turn my head the other way",
"and continue moving the mattress to avoid the",
"shame. i see him look through the bag",
"suspiciously. no eye contact. he quickly realizes",
"what it is and puts the bag to the side, making",
"no comment to the contents; he can only guess",
"whether the toys are for me or my so. we finish",
"the job without a word about the bag."
] |
[
0.08466244207355345,
0.4377637508602664,
0.07800803397167787,
1,
0.7316509776313176,
0,
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0.23594056681840006,
0.3368789360030635,
0.25786224061919244,
0.26485690026556025,
0.4821020783185533,
0.725774427452627,
0.11886084722478937,
0.44175979488208716
] |
and today my grandpa and i were putting carpet in what it is and puts the bag to the side, making
|
66 | 16 | 0.86 | 66 |
alright. so i went out today with a girl i've been seeing the past few years for a photo shoot- she's a model and i had never seen her work before. i was pretty excited. i took her out for a burger and everything went great. until the actual shoot started that is.
she was shooting at an abandoned colonial tribute compound with gardens and forests everywhere so when i felt the urge to take a shit i figured 'hey, there's forested ground everwhere so i'll take a stroll and do my business. remember i had a big greasy burger so the poop wasn't a clean exit. i found some leaves and that was that.
walking back i realized that maybe the leaves belonged to the infamous poison ivy plant so i ran back and snapped a few pics to compare to stock images.
yep. fuckin poison ivy.
now i'm sitting here in the car waiting for the shoot to be done before i can take a long shower of shame and grab some chamomile lotion or something.
|
wiped ass with poison ivy
|
narrowly avoiding shiting myself... and wiping my ass with poison ivy instead.
|
[
"alright. so i went out today with a girl i've been",
"seeing the past few years for a photo shoot-",
"she's a model and i had never seen her work",
"before. i was pretty excited. i took her out for",
"a burger and everything went great. until the",
"actual shoot started that is.",
"she was shooting at an abandoned colonial tribute",
"compound with gardens and forests everywhere so",
"when i felt the urge to take a shit i figured",
"'hey, there's forested ground everwhere so i'll",
"take a stroll and do my business. remember i had",
"a big greasy burger so the poop wasn't a clean",
"exit. i found some leaves and that was that.",
"walking back i realized that maybe the leaves",
"belonged to the infamous poison ivy plant so i",
"ran back and snapped a few pics to compare to",
"stock images.",
"yep. fuckin poison ivy.",
"now i'm sitting here in the car waiting for the",
"shoot to be done before i can take a long shower",
"of shame and grab some chamomile lotion or",
"something."
] |
[
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0.023483320836364258,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0.36525806876239575,
0,
0,
1,
0,
0,
0,
0
] |
yep. fuckin poison ivy.
|
865 | 187 | 0.88 | 865 |
today started out as a wonderful day--the girl i like (who looks like a victoria's secret model so that's what i'm going to call her) was managing at work, and our shifts ended at the same time. the whole day went well. she had been talking about wanting to see despicable me, and there was a movie theater about 5 minutes away with a showing right after our shifts. i asked if victoria's secret model wanted to go. she said yes. +10 ego.
fast forward to the end of our shift. we're outside the movie theater waiting for the people we're meeting. victoria's secret model changes her shirt in her car so i get to see her in her bra. that was not relevant to the story--it was just awesome. go in to buy our tickets. my debit card gets declined and i reach into my wallet, red-faced, to pull out the last $8 i have until pay day on friday. -5 ego. had i not bought her coffee this morning, it wouldn't have been so embarrassing. but i'm a chivalrous fuck.
victoria's secret model picks our seats at the very top of the theater stairs. movie starts. occasional funny comments from me earn her laughter. +10 ego. being that we rushed from work to the theater, i didn't have a chance to piss before the movie started. i made an effort to hold it in as long as i could, but eventually i couldn't ignore it. not wanting to end up on tifu by wetting myself, i excused myself to the bathroom.
now i'm about as graceful and balanced as a sleep deprived and possibly intoxicated walrus--i can stand absolutely still and find myself start to sway--so i focus extra hard not to make an ass out of myself in front of vsm. my shoes could not control their ridiculous attraction to each other, and i fell to my knees after 3 steps. -5 ego. i hear vsm cry out, "oh, themeowzart!" i laugh a bit to try and project an air of not giving a fuckedness. get to my feet. think to myself *hey, themeowzart, you should totally save face by doing some cool little hoppy things down the rest of these stairs and show vsm how these floor protrusions are your bitch. you can't possibly fuck this up again!*
oh how ~~wrong~~ completely fucking beyond mistaken i was. the steps were odd (3 small steps and then 1 big step), and i somehow started running but couldn't stop. thank god for that seat near the bottom of the stairs, catching my knee and sending me ass over ankles down in front of the whole audience. -20 ego. ~~like a pro, i regained my composure, gave a bow with a grin, and calmly exited the theater to applause~~ nope--i ran, limping, like a handicapped mule out to the bathroom while the crowd snickered and whispered after me.
edit: because there was some confusion, i am a girl as well. yes, she is bisexual. she probably knows how i feel, but it's never been explicitly stated.
update 1: texted her after the movie. she said she had a lot of fun hanging out with me, and would like to do it again sometime. she will, however, make sure everyone at work knows about the fall.
|
fell for a girl.**
|
eating it in front of the girl i like--and a movie theater full of people.
|
[
"today started out as a wonderful day--the girl i",
"like (who looks like a victoria's secret model so",
"that's what i'm going to call her) was managing",
"at work, and our shifts ended at the same time.",
"the whole day went well. she had been talking",
"about wanting to see despicable me, and there was",
"a movie theater about 5 minutes away with a",
"showing right after our shifts. i asked if",
"victoria's secret model wanted to go. she said",
"yes. +10 ego.",
"fast forward to the end of our shift. we're",
"outside the movie theater waiting for the people",
"we're meeting. victoria's secret model changes",
"her shirt in her car so i get to see her in her",
"bra. that was not relevant to the story--it was",
"just awesome. go in to buy our tickets. my debit",
"card gets declined and i reach into my wallet,",
"red-faced, to pull out the last $8 i have until",
"pay day on friday. -5 ego. had i not bought her",
"coffee this morning, it wouldn't have been so",
"embarrassing. but i'm a chivalrous fuck.",
"victoria's secret model picks our seats at the",
"very top of the theater stairs. movie starts.",
"occasional funny comments from me earn her",
"laughter. +10 ego. being that we rushed from work",
"to the theater, i didn't have a chance to piss",
"before the movie started. i made an effort to",
"hold it in as long as i could, but eventually i",
"couldn't ignore it. not wanting to end up on tifu",
"by wetting myself, i excused myself to the",
"bathroom.",
"now i'm about as graceful and balanced as a sleep",
"deprived and possibly intoxicated walrus--i can",
"stand absolutely still and find myself start to",
"sway--so i focus extra hard not to make an ass",
"out of myself in front of vsm. my shoes could not",
"control their ridiculous attraction to each",
"other, and i fell to my knees after 3 steps. -5",
"ego. i hear vsm cry out, \"oh, themeowzart!\" i",
"laugh a bit to try and project an air of not",
"giving a fuckedness. get to my feet. think to",
"myself *hey, themeowzart, you should totally save",
"face by doing some cool little hoppy things down",
"the rest of these stairs and show vsm how these",
"floor protrusions are your bitch. you can't",
"possibly fuck this up again!*",
"oh how ~~wrong~~ completely fucking beyond",
"mistaken i was. the steps were odd (3 small steps",
"and then 1 big step), and i somehow started",
"running but couldn't stop. thank god for that",
"seat near the bottom of the stairs, catching my",
"knee and sending me ass over ankles down in front",
"of the whole audience. -20 ego. ~~like a pro, i",
"regained my composure, gave a bow with a grin,",
"and calmly exited the theater to applause~~",
"nope--i ran, limping, like a handicapped mule out",
"to the bathroom while the crowd snickered and",
"whispered after me.",
"edit: because there was some confusion, i am a",
"girl as well. yes, she is bisexual. she probably",
"knows how i feel, but it's never been explicitly",
"stated.",
"update 1: texted her after the movie. she said",
"she had a lot of fun hanging out with me, and",
"would like to do it again sometime. she will,",
"however, make sure everyone at work knows about",
"the fall."
] |
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today started out as a wonderful day--the girl i
|
23 | 10 | 0.71 | 23 |
so it was 9, i was bored and i started watching some arousing stuff, so i was like "man's gonna do what a man's gonna do". but this time i suddenly had the idea that maybe i could have a *much* more fun experience with some lube. for the past decade, i've been smacking the chicken dry, and i've never tried lube before.
so i went into the kitchen and found a small container to hold the lube back to my room. it was a big plastic cap, like [this](http://www.m-p.com/pipeprotection/large%20cap.jpg), but it was a clear transparent plastic, and i did the deed and it was indeed better than smacking it dry, but more messy. i then proceeded to leave the rest of the lube i didn't use on my desk. i thought i was going to face some sort of consequences (something going wrong with my weiner), nothing happened to my weiner thankfully... but...
fast forward to tomorrow, i woke up and barely awake as always and i sit right down on my chair and like always put down my phone (i use it as an alarm). **big mistake**, it was after 10 minutes i realized "wait a minute... my phone... is inside ... a plastic cup?... oh shit". i panicked and quickly tried to wash it all i can and dismantle it into pieces and let it dry. i know the "rice" method works for phones with water, but what to do with it's lube?!?!. as of right now, my phone thankfully still works, the only thing gone wrong is that the speakers's sound are lowering tremendously, which isn't much of a problem considering i always use earplugs.
|
dipped my phone in my own lube
|
dipping my phone in my own lube.
|
[
"so it was 9, i was bored and i started watching",
"some arousing stuff, so i was like \"man's gonna",
"do what a man's gonna do\". but this time i",
"suddenly had the idea that maybe i could have a",
"*much* more fun experience with some lube. for",
"the past decade, i've been smacking the chicken",
"dry, and i've never tried lube before.",
"so i went into the kitchen and found a small",
"container to hold the lube back to my room. it",
"was a big plastic cap, like",
"[this](http://www.m-p.com/pipeprotection/large%20",
"cap.jpg),",
"but it was a clear transparent plastic, and i did",
"the deed and it was indeed better than smacking",
"it dry, but more messy. i then proceeded to leave",
"the rest of the lube i didn't use on my desk. i",
"thought i was going to face some sort of",
"consequences (something going wrong with my",
"weiner), nothing happened to my weiner",
"thankfully... but...",
"fast forward to tomorrow, i woke up and barely",
"awake as always and i sit right down on my chair",
"and like always put down my phone (i use it as an",
"alarm). **big mistake**, it was after 10 minutes",
"i realized \"wait a minute... my phone... is",
"inside ... a plastic cup?... oh shit\". i panicked",
"and quickly tried to wash it all i can and",
"dismantle it into pieces and let it dry. i know",
"the \"rice\" method works for phones with water,",
"but what to do with it's lube?!?!. as of right",
"now, my phone thankfully still works, the only",
"thing gone wrong is that the speakers's sound are",
"lowering tremendously, which isn't much of a",
"problem considering i always use earplugs."
] |
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i realized "wait a minute... my phone... is
|
0 | 2 | 0.27 | 0 |
words of warning: don't freeze mustord.
i ended up making the worst sandwich money can buy. i left a can of the good stuff in my coldest box and now my tongue's just drooping out of my mouth like a sick animal. bologna is owny, cheese (but no peas), lettuce? forget us. sandwich cookers are the worst balls. fuck this life and "budder it" with a knife.
;
|
i can't buy more bread so my face has turned red.
|
can of musterd' went sour. i couldn't sleep for hours.
|
[
"words of warning: don't freeze mustord.",
"i ended up making the worst sandwich money can",
"buy. i left a can of the good stuff in my coldest",
"box and now my tongue's just drooping out of my",
"mouth like a sick animal. bologna is owny, cheese",
"(but no peas), lettuce? forget us. sandwich",
"cookers are the worst balls. fuck this life and",
"\"budder it\" with a knife.",
";"
] |
[
0,
0,
1,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] |
buy. i left a can of the good stuff in my coldest
|
26 | 11 | 0.93 | 26 |
my house has had a ant problem for years and what ever we do these fuckers will not go away so today i was cleaning the kitchen and i found a hole where they were coming in and out from so i decided i wanted to pump something up into that hole and make those hell spawn suffer. i went and looked for something we have never used and i got the bright idea to use hand sanitizer... so i get on my knees to get to the hole and i point the tip where the sanitizer comes out of up at the ant hole under that counter and start pumping the sanitizer into the hole. then on one squirt a big freaking drop of sanitizer ricocheted off the underside of the counter right into my freaking eye. fuck ants.
|
trying to kill ants i got hand sanitizer in my eye.
|
trying to get rid of ants
|
[
"my house has had a ant problem for years and what",
"ever we do these fuckers will not go away so",
"today i was cleaning the kitchen and i found a",
"hole where they were coming in and out from so i",
"decided i wanted to pump something up into that",
"hole and make those hell spawn suffer. i went and",
"looked for something we have never used and i got",
"the bright idea to use hand sanitizer... so i get",
"on my knees to get to the hole and i point the",
"tip where the sanitizer comes out of up at the",
"ant hole under that counter and start pumping the",
"sanitizer into the hole. then on one squirt a big",
"freaking drop of sanitizer ricocheted off the",
"underside of the counter right into my freaking",
"eye. fuck ants."
] |
[
0.027917668630527023,
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0.004032806978224224,
0.32539667848547804,
0.3368080149299469,
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0.0744417207256575,
0,
0.14957616874100074,
0.1898164192983463,
0.11473758836826677,
1
] |
the bright idea to use hand sanitizer... so i get eye. fuck ants.
|
10 | 4 | 0.7 | 10 |
having an awesome house party and several very attractive women in their early 20s, lots of beer and booze, great night. as things progress, i'm pretty well lit so i swoop in and pick this tiny girl up (one arm under the legs and one behind her back) and it's all fun'n'games. set her down, go to pick her friend up and drunkenly fail, resulting in us tumbling forward and me landing on her. this is where i fucked up. she laughs and asks "what the fuck man!" and i replied "you're too heavy!"
i tried to suck those words back in, but it was too late, damage done. she was pissed at me the rest of the night and anytime i'd try to re-engage her in conversation or dancing she kept making fat jokes :/
i should also mention that the girl i called fat is a yoga instructor and is most definitely not fat in any way.
|
the title says it all
|
telling a girl she was too heavy when i failed to drunkenly pick her up
|
[
"having an awesome house party and several very",
"attractive women in their early 20s, lots of beer",
"and booze, great night. as things progress, i'm",
"pretty well lit so i swoop in and pick this tiny",
"girl up (one arm under the legs and one behind",
"her back) and it's all fun'n'games. set her down,",
"go to pick her friend up and drunkenly fail,",
"resulting in us tumbling forward and me landing",
"on her. this is where i fucked up. she laughs and",
"asks \"what the fuck man!\" and i replied \"you're",
"too heavy!\"",
"i tried to suck those words back in, but it was",
"too late, damage done. she was pissed at me the",
"rest of the night and anytime i'd try to",
"re-engage her in conversation or dancing she kept",
"making fat jokes :/",
"i should also mention that the girl i called fat",
"is a yoga instructor and is most definitely not",
"fat in any way."
] |
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0
] |
her back) and it's all fun'n'games. set her down,
|
97 | 29 | 0.94 | 97 |
i work for a small, private liberal arts college in albany, ny. today, the weather was looking iffy, so i decided to bring my umbrella with me when i went to lunch. unfortunately, my umbrella happens to look like [this](http://data.uncommongoods.com.edgesuite.net/images/newweb/product/17901_zoom2.jpg).
so, i walked into our campus center, where the dining hall is located, to get my lunch. i step in line, order my food, and sit down to eat when i begin to notice 3 or 4 police officers outside the front door of the building. they're dressed in normal police gear, but they are checking the doors and lining up along the wall, which (to me) seemed a bit unusual.
i began thinking to myself "what's going on? did the college initiate a shelter-in-place?" at the same time, i received a text message from our emergency alert system stating that the college had, indeed, gone into shelter-in-place. this is when it all dawned on me: someone had reported my umbrella to the police. granted, it was possible that there was an actual threat on campus, but it was also very likely that it was just an honest mistake.
naturally, i wanted to make things right and call off the situation, so i tried calling our security line. unfortunately, no one answered (which only confirmed that something was going wrong). around this time, i saw the director of safety and security enter the dining hall, so i tried to approach him to explain. he began telling people to get to the back of the room and away from the windows. he seemed to be in a hurry and was completely ignoring me, so i really had to fight to get his attention.
i asked him if the shelter-in-place was due to a sword, to which he replied, "did you see someone with a sword?" i quickly explained that i have an umbrella that looks like a sword. he asked me to show him, i did, and then he took me outside to the police.
there were about 15 police officers at the corner of this particular block, two of which were u.s. marshalls in riot gear (my colleague later informed me that he saw police officers elsewhere on campus with guns drawn). i explained the situation to them, and they wanted to confirm with the person who reported it that it was me that he saw. they checked security footage and his report and confirmed that it was me carrying my sword-umbrella. after a sweep of the building, they lifted shelter-in-place and let me go on my way.
fortunately, the police were very accommodating. they weren't mad about the situation. i think they were just glad that it wasn't an actual threat. either way, my colleagues won't let me live it down. i think it's time for a new umbrella.
|
i have an umbrella that looks like a sword and i work at a college. someone saw me with my umbrella on campus and reported it to the police, causing us to go into lockdown.
|
accidentally sending my college into shelter-in-place.
|
[
"i work for a small, private liberal arts college",
"in albany, ny. today, the weather was looking",
"iffy, so i decided to bring my umbrella with me",
"when i went to lunch. unfortunately, my umbrella",
"happens to look like",
"[this](http://data.uncommongoods.com.edgesuite.ne",
"t/images/newweb/product/17901_zoom2.jpg).",
"so, i walked into our campus center, where the",
"dining hall is located, to get my lunch. i step",
"in line, order my food, and sit down to eat when",
"i begin to notice 3 or 4 police officers outside",
"the front door of the building. they're dressed",
"in normal police gear, but they are checking the",
"doors and lining up along the wall, which (to me)",
"seemed a bit unusual.",
"i began thinking to myself \"what's going on? did",
"the college initiate a shelter-in-place?\" at the",
"same time, i received a text message from our",
"emergency alert system stating that the college",
"had, indeed, gone into shelter-in-place. this is",
"when it all dawned on me: someone had reported my",
"umbrella to the police. granted, it was possible",
"that there was an actual threat on campus, but it",
"was also very likely that it was just an honest",
"mistake.",
"naturally, i wanted to make things right and call",
"off the situation, so i tried calling our",
"security line. unfortunately, no one answered",
"(which only confirmed that something was going",
"wrong). around this time, i saw the director of",
"safety and security enter the dining hall, so i",
"tried to approach him to explain. he began",
"telling people to get to the back of the room and",
"away from the windows. he seemed to be in a hurry",
"and was completely ignoring me, so i really had",
"to fight to get his attention.",
"i asked him if the shelter-in-place was due to a",
"sword, to which he replied, \"did you see someone",
"with a sword?\" i quickly explained that i have an",
"umbrella that looks like a sword. he asked me to",
"show him, i did, and then he took me outside to",
"the police.",
"there were about 15 police officers at the corner",
"of this particular block, two of which were u.s.",
"marshalls in riot gear (my colleague later",
"informed me that he saw police officers elsewhere",
"on campus with guns drawn). i explained the",
"situation to them, and they wanted to confirm",
"with the person who reported it that it was me",
"that he saw. they checked security footage and",
"his report and confirmed that it was me carrying",
"my sword-umbrella. after a sweep of the building,",
"they lifted shelter-in-place and let me go on my",
"way.",
"fortunately, the police were very accommodating.",
"they weren't mad about the situation. i think",
"they were just glad that it wasn't an actual",
"threat. either way, my colleagues won't let me",
"live it down. i think it's time for a new",
"umbrella."
] |
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when it all dawned on me: someone had reported my with a sword?" i quickly explained that i have an umbrella that looks like a sword. he asked me to the police.
|
39 | 7 | 0.85 | 39 |
i went to work - boss wasnt there. he's a really nice guy, but he's often late, doesnt pay me by the hour, and because it's just me and him, i cant get into the office to do any work if he's not there. and if i cant work - i cant get paid. i text him about whether he's coming in. no answer. i text my more knowledgeable brother about how long i should wait before i bounce. we start texting, one thing leads to another, were both complaining about shit, real hard. i check my bosses text conversation - nothing. after 30 minutes of waiting, i text my brother "i don't even care if this asshole shows up at this point, im gonna leave on principle alone. this is such bullshit." as i hit send i realize that im still in my bosses conversation. a moment of sheer panic washes over me as i freeze deciding what to do. the message sends, i slump over, defeated.
still no response. i call him - he answers the phone with a friendly tone and asks if im coming in, apparently he was a little late and came into the office when i had gone to the bathroom while waiting. i ask him if he got my texts. "oh, i guess my phone isnt alerting me for texts, weird! looks like a got a few from you though, ill read em in a minute"
i hung my head today...real, real low.
*
tifu. i fucked up good.
|
i accidentally texted my boss calling him an asshole.*
|
texting my boss instead of my brother.
|
[
"i went to work - boss wasnt there. he's a really",
"nice guy, but he's often late, doesnt pay me by",
"the hour, and because it's just me and him, i",
"cant get into the office to do any work if he's",
"not there. and if i cant work - i cant get paid.",
"i text him about whether he's coming in. no",
"answer. i text my more knowledgeable brother",
"about how long i should wait before i bounce. we",
"start texting, one thing leads to another, were",
"both complaining about shit, real hard. i check",
"my bosses text conversation - nothing. after 30",
"minutes of waiting, i text my brother \"i don't",
"even care if this asshole shows up at this point,",
"im gonna leave on principle alone. this is such",
"bullshit.\" as i hit send i realize that im still",
"in my bosses conversation. a moment of sheer",
"panic washes over me as i freeze deciding what to",
"do. the message sends, i slump over, defeated.",
"still no response. i call him - he answers the",
"phone with a friendly tone and asks if im coming",
"in, apparently he was a little late and came into",
"the office when i had gone to the bathroom while",
"waiting. i ask him if he got my texts. \"oh, i",
"guess my phone isnt alerting me for texts, weird!",
"looks like a got a few from you though, ill read",
"em in a minute\"",
"i hung my head today...real, real low.",
"* \ntifu. i fucked up good."
] |
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waiting. i ask him if he got my texts. "oh, i
|
46 | 13 | 0.83 | 46 |
to preface this, i walked out of my kitchen, and i ripped one hard, perhaps too hard. so as i said, i walk out of my kitchen and then feel a fart coming up, and i decide to make this one known throughout the house. i raise my leg and put it on the ottoman next to me like [this.](http://i.imgur.com/vkcharr.jpg?1) (a note about the illustration: the little brown speck is the tiny little poo.) so then i rip it, and it sounded a little strange and i laughed, walking to the fridge to grab a green tea. then i feel something is on my pinky toe, at which point i freak out a bit... and i'd just eaten italian food so i figured some little piece of meat sauce like flew off my plate when i was scraping the little bits of sauce into the trash can. so i say, ah no worries, i'll go wipe it off with a little piece of toilet paper. i get to the bathroom, get the stain in some light, and i think to myself *no, that can't be...* ***but what if it is?!*** so i get the little thing on a sheet of toilet paper and give the little brownie a smell. yep, i just pooped a bit on my pinky toe.
edit: fixing minor stuff
edit 2: thanks guys, my most upvoted post thus far.
|
raised leg to fart, shat a bit on pinky toe. (i'm sorry!)
|
raising my leg to fart
|
[
"to preface this, i walked out of my kitchen, and i",
"ripped one hard, perhaps too hard. so as i said,",
"i walk out of my kitchen and then feel a fart",
"coming up, and i decide to make this one known",
"throughout the house. i raise my leg and put it",
"on the ottoman next to me like",
"[this.](http://i.imgur.com/vkcharr.jpg?1) (a note",
"about the illustration: the little brown speck is",
"the tiny little poo.) so then i rip it, and it",
"sounded a little strange and i laughed, walking",
"to the fridge to grab a green tea. then i feel",
"something is on my pinky toe, at which point i",
"freak out a bit... and i'd just eaten italian",
"food so i figured some little piece of meat sauce",
"like flew off my plate when i was scraping the",
"little bits of sauce into the trash can. so i",
"say, ah no worries, i'll go wipe it off with a",
"little piece of toilet paper. i get to the",
"bathroom, get the stain in some light, and i",
"think to myself *no, that can't be...* ***but",
"what if it is?!*** so i get the little thing on a",
"sheet of toilet paper and give the little brownie",
"a smell. yep, i just pooped a bit on my pinky",
"toe.",
"edit: fixing minor stuff",
"edit 2: thanks guys, my most upvoted post thus",
"far."
] |
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a smell. yep, i just pooped a bit on my pinky toe.
|
39 | 12 | 0.76 | 39 |
today is my last day in russia, and it just seems fitting that i should have one last fuckup before i go home -.- we leave for moscow tomorrow early in the morning to make my flight!
if you are wondering, the wedding was fantastic. there was a ton of dancing. turns out stan can kasachok. anyway, onto the fuck-up!
stan has chores to do outside. mostly what he calls 'gardening' which is really smacking trees for daring grow their branches within his fenced in yard. i can step over his fence. it's a bad fence.
anyway, he isn't the type to lock his door because he lives in the village of buttfuck, on the outskirts of middleofnowhere. but he does have a lock. i am sure you can see where this is going.
he left his keys on the little table by the front door where he keeps shoes. and he went outside to do his 'gardening'. and i traipse out to the kitchen to get a drink... and as i pass the door flip the lock into place. locking poor, poor stan outside. in russia. in october.
i fetch my drink (yum yum tarkhun) and go into my room. some of you may remember my last tifu where i advertised my wonderful habit of playing on my phones with headphones in. josh, my boyfriend, comes into my room and motions for me to take my headphones off. he asks 'you seen stan recently?' i shake my head, josh leaves and i return to my game.
maybe about half an hour later, i notice a dark shape outside my window, silhouetted on the curtains. it vaguely resembles a person, and having grown up in the suburbs, i grabbed the longest pokey thing i could find-in this case an unused slat from my bed (it's one of those ones that uses the wooden planks to support the mattress).
i pull back the curtains...
and find stan absolutely glaring at me. i mean, i think he wants to kill me. i pull open the window and poke him gently with the slat, close the window and go to the front door to unlock it. i see stan following me outside through the windows.
i open the door for him, and he strides in the embodiment of drunken fury, motioning at me with the hedge-scissors and cursing at me in russian while josh laughs his ass off. stan called me a suka at least three times. it's the only curse in russian i know.
i feel bad.
also, this is the final epic in the trilogy of poor stanislav, godfather of my boyfriend josh and unfortunate victim of my idiocy.
i am so, so sorry, stan.
|
poor, poor stan.
|
me again, come to report on the unfortunate saga of poor, poor stan. this time i did not see him naked or throw lube at him.
|
[
"today is my last day in russia, and it just seems",
"fitting that i should have one last fuckup before",
"i go home -.- we leave for moscow tomorrow early",
"in the morning to make my flight!",
"if you are wondering, the wedding was fantastic.",
"there was a ton of dancing. turns out stan can",
"kasachok. anyway, onto the fuck-up!",
"stan has chores to do outside. mostly what he",
"calls 'gardening' which is really smacking trees",
"for daring grow their branches within his fenced",
"in yard. i can step over his fence. it's a bad",
"fence.",
"anyway, he isn't the type to lock his door",
"because he lives in the village of buttfuck, on",
"the outskirts of middleofnowhere. but he does",
"have a lock. i am sure you can see where this is",
"going.",
"he left his keys on the little table by the front",
"door where he keeps shoes. and he went outside to",
"do his 'gardening'. and i traipse out to the",
"kitchen to get a drink... and as i pass the door",
"flip the lock into place. locking poor, poor stan",
"outside. in russia. in october.",
"i fetch my drink (yum yum tarkhun) and go into my",
"room. some of you may remember my last tifu where",
"i advertised my wonderful habit of playing on my",
"phones with headphones in. josh, my boyfriend,",
"comes into my room and motions for me to take my",
"headphones off. he asks 'you seen stan recently?'",
"i shake my head, josh leaves and i return to my",
"game.",
"maybe about half an hour later, i notice a dark",
"shape outside my window, silhouetted on the",
"curtains. it vaguely resembles a person, and",
"having grown up in the suburbs, i grabbed the",
"longest pokey thing i could find-in this case an",
"unused slat from my bed (it's one of those ones",
"that uses the wooden planks to support the",
"mattress).",
"i pull back the curtains...",
"and find stan absolutely glaring at me. i mean, i",
"think he wants to kill me. i pull open the window",
"and poke him gently with the slat, close the",
"window and go to the front door to unlock it. i",
"see stan following me outside through the",
"windows.",
"i open the door for him, and he strides in the",
"embodiment of drunken fury, motioning at me with",
"the hedge-scissors and cursing at me in russian",
"while josh laughs his ass off. stan called me a",
"suka at least three times. it's the only curse in",
"russian i know.",
"i feel bad.",
"also, this is the final epic in the trilogy of",
"poor stanislav, godfather of my boyfriend josh",
"and unfortunate victim of my idiocy.",
"i am so, so sorry, stan."
] |
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flip the lock into place. locking poor, poor stan
|
13 | 9 | 0.85 | 13 |
*sorry no picture because it happened about a week ago and i got it taken care of.
anyway last saturday i was watching netflix on my ps3 and using my laptop while relaxing in my huge recliner chair. i was there for about 2 hours and my back and legs started to tense up, so i decided to stretch to get rid of that annoying feeling. well my laptop was resting about the middle of my stomach and didn't think that it would cause a problem if i would arch my back to stretch it. here's where i fuck up; after stretching my legs i arch my back high off the chair and immediately began to yawn, without thinking i take my hands off the laptop and put them over my head to complete the stretch.turns out the grip on my laptop wasn't as good as i remembered, the fucker slid off of my stomach like a computer water slide into my exposed teeth and chipped about half of my right front tooth and 1/3 of the left one. as i'm sitting there putting the pieces together as to why i was now holding my teeth, i realized how stupid i was to not take literally 5 seconds to put the computer on the floor. also i had my best friend in the same room which made everything worse because after he saw he was on the floor howling with laughter. needless to say the evening was ruined.
|
broke off my 2 front teeth with my macbook because i stretched and it slid, best friend saw
|
chipping my tooth with my laptop
|
[
"*sorry no picture because it happened about a week",
"ago and i got it taken care of.",
"anyway last saturday i was watching netflix on my",
"ps3 and using my laptop while relaxing in my huge",
"recliner chair. i was there for about 2 hours and",
"my back and legs started to tense up, so i",
"decided to stretch to get rid of that annoying",
"feeling. well my laptop was resting about the",
"middle of my stomach and didn't think that it",
"would cause a problem if i would arch my back to",
"stretch it. here's where i fuck up; after",
"stretching my legs i arch my back high off the",
"chair and immediately began to yawn, without",
"thinking i take my hands off the laptop and put",
"them over my head to complete the stretch.turns",
"out the grip on my laptop wasn't as good as i",
"remembered, the fucker slid off of my stomach",
"like a computer water slide into my exposed teeth",
"and chipped about half of my right front tooth",
"and 1/3 of the left one. as i'm sitting there",
"putting the pieces together as to why i was now",
"holding my teeth, i realized how stupid i was to",
"not take literally 5 seconds to put the computer",
"on the floor. also i had my best friend in the",
"same room which made everything worse because",
"after he saw he was on the floor howling with",
"laughter. needless to say the evening was ruined."
] |
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remembered, the fucker slid off of my stomach on the floor. also i had my best friend in the
|
247 | 43 | 0.94 | 247 |
first of all, i live with my elderly grandparents who are extremely frugal. they cut open toothpaste tubes to get the last bit out, mix water with dish soap to make it last longer, refuse to have any heat in the winter save for a single space heater in the living room, etc.
they also refuse to flush the toilet more than once a day, claiming that it uses too much water. it's really gross. i tend to get my business done in the morning to avoid having to piss in a used toilet. last night, however, was different. i'm lactose intolerant but indulged in ice cream anyway, resulting in stomach cramps. i suddenly needed to evacuate my bowels, so off to the toilet i go. keep in mind the toilet has not been flushed yet today. anyway, i walk in the bathroom and sit down. wrong move. the seat was up, which i didn't notice before. so instead of sitting on the toilet, i fall in. i fall into a day's worth of shit and piss. i showered and scrubbed until the water ran cold, but i will never be clean again. ;_;
|
grandparents are frugal and only flush the toilet once a day. didn't check to see if the seat was up. fell into shit and piss.
|
not looking before i sat on the toilet
|
[
"first of all, i live with my elderly grandparents",
"who are extremely frugal. they cut open",
"toothpaste tubes to get the last bit out, mix",
"water with dish soap to make it last longer,",
"refuse to have any heat in the winter save for a",
"single space heater in the living room, etc.",
"they also refuse to flush the toilet more than",
"once a day, claiming that it uses too much water.",
"it's really gross. i tend to get my business done",
"in the morning to avoid having to piss in a used",
"toilet. last night, however, was different. i'm",
"lactose intolerant but indulged in ice cream",
"anyway, resulting in stomach cramps. i suddenly",
"needed to evacuate my bowels, so off to the",
"toilet i go. keep in mind the toilet has not been",
"flushed yet today. anyway, i walk in the bathroom",
"and sit down. wrong move. the seat was up, which",
"i didn't notice before. so instead of sitting on",
"the toilet, i fall in. i fall into a day's worth",
"of shit and piss. i showered and scrubbed until",
"the water ran cold, but i will never be clean",
"again. ;_;"
] |
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they also refuse to flush the toilet more than once a day, claiming that it uses too much water. and sit down. wrong move. the seat was up, which
|
4 | 8 | 0.64 | 4 |
tifu is one of my favorite subs and today i finally have something terrible and stupid to contribute to the wonder of this subreddit. no alt account, either. let this tifu be tied to me forever.
so i had my first interview with a job three weeks ago. they were great and called me back the next week to schedule a second interview. june 27 at 8 a.m.
well, when i looked at the calendar i placed the 27th, in my brain, on friday. i have even scheduled things on my calendar on my phone a couple times since then and didn't notice that, oh hey, the 27th fell on thursday. i don't know what my brain did or why, but i continued thinking that the 27th was on friday. friday.
obviously, it's not. so at around 11 a.m. this morning i realized my error with a thundering horrifying realization. i called, left a message but haven't heard anything back. i kind of don't expect to hear anything positive but i do want to apologize for standing them up. i hate when people do that to me. it was a part time position with no benefits that would never become full time. but i thought i could work with it financially. but i did have my doubts. dm/ss: doesn't matter/still stupid.
update:
well, fuck! i called twice and left voice mail and nothing. i emailed the person i interviewed with and apologized profusely and he called me! this is back on baby!!!!! whoooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
update 2:
didn't get it. on to the next one!!!!!!!!!!!
|
tifu. :(
|
thinking the 27th was tomorrow and not today.
|
[
"tifu is one of my favorite subs and today i",
"finally have something terrible and stupid to",
"contribute to the wonder of this subreddit. no",
"alt account, either. let this tifu be tied to me",
"forever.",
"so i had my first interview with a job three",
"weeks ago. they were great and called me back",
"the next week to schedule a second interview.",
"june 27 at 8 a.m.",
"well, when i looked at the calendar i placed the",
"27th, in my brain, on friday. i have even",
"scheduled things on my calendar on my phone a",
"couple times since then and didn't notice that,",
"oh hey, the 27th fell on thursday. i don't know",
"what my brain did or why, but i continued",
"thinking that the 27th was on friday. friday.",
"obviously, it's not. so at around 11 a.m. this",
"morning i realized my error with a thundering",
"horrifying realization. i called, left a message",
"but haven't heard anything back. i kind of don't",
"expect to hear anything positive but i do want to",
"apologize for standing them up. i hate when",
"people do that to me. it was a part time",
"position with no benefits that would never become",
"full time. but i thought i could work with it",
"financially. but i did have my doubts. dm/ss:",
"doesn't matter/still stupid.",
"update:",
"well, fuck! i called twice and left voice mail",
"and nothing. i emailed the person i interviewed",
"with and apologized profusely and he called me!",
"this is back on baby!!!!!",
"whoooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!",
"!!!!!!!!",
"update 2:",
"didn't get it. on to the next one!!!!!!!!!!!"
] |
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tifu is one of my favorite subs and today i
|
8 | 5 | 0.68 | 8 |
throwaway account obviously... i work at gordons food service as you can tell by my username. had some funky taco sauce for lunch before work and then proceeded to get all dressed up in my polo shirt, tan dress pants, and red work apron. about an hour into my shift i was walking down an aisle and without any sort of warning my body decided that it couldn't hold back the tides any more. immediate release of explosive liquid shit that started running down my right leg. i awkwardly shuffled/ran to the bathroom, and spent the next half hour mopping myself up and trying to save the thoroughly shit-stained dockers. threw the underwear in the trash and managed to reduce the stains to barely noticeable stripes. i sure as hell wasnt working in those all day or risking someone noticing, so i used my box cutter to slice a 6 inch rip in my pants. told my manger that i ripped my pants, and left that place almost as fast as those tacos left me. sorry to reset the shitmyself counter, and thank you for shopping at gordons food service.
|
shit my pants at work and cut a rip in them to go home without suspicion.
|
shitting my pants at work
|
[
"throwaway account obviously... i work at gordons",
"food service as you can tell by my username. had",
"some funky taco sauce for lunch before work and",
"then proceeded to get all dressed up in my polo",
"shirt, tan dress pants, and red work apron. about",
"an hour into my shift i was walking down an aisle",
"and without any sort of warning my body decided",
"that it couldn't hold back the tides any more.",
"immediate release of explosive liquid shit that",
"started running down my right leg. i awkwardly",
"shuffled/ran to the bathroom, and spent the next",
"half hour mopping myself up and trying to save",
"the thoroughly shit-stained dockers. threw the",
"underwear in the trash and managed to reduce the",
"stains to barely noticeable stripes. i sure as",
"hell wasnt working in those all day or risking",
"someone noticing, so i used my box cutter to",
"slice a 6 inch rip in my pants. told my manger",
"that i ripped my pants, and left that place",
"almost as fast as those tacos left me. sorry to",
"reset the shitmyself counter, and thank you for",
"shopping at gordons food service."
] |
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some funky taco sauce for lunch before work and slice a 6 inch rip in my pants. told my manger
|
0 | 25 | 0.12 | 0 |
oh god i am going to regret this when everyone from school sees my reddit post but here goes:
okay, this was yesterday, but whatever...
i am a 13 y/o male in grade 7. i am already in a relationship with a girl, but yesterday went horribly wrong. lets call my gf "a" and the other girl "b"
i was fucking around in school, when i hear my teacher call my name. b needed me to help her find -insert item-. it wa stolen from -classroom names- class. we decided to walk around together and ask the teachers of all the classes if they had seen the item. sadly, they all said no. well, until one teacher who said yes. there was also this other teacher who wanted b and i to clean up their sport game. we agreed, and so we packed it up. we had just packed up the game, and were standing together in the shed. she just stood staring at me... watching me climb up to the top of the racks to put -new item- away. i quickly jumped down, and damn, i find b hot. if i weren't with a, i would have asked her out on the spot. damn, i figured what she wanted... she wanted to kiss. i know it because she was sort of shielding the door to the shed. i just don't know what to do. some people say a is a stuck up bitch and i should leave her for b. fortunately, or unfortunately, i am not that type of guy. haven't slept... too busy thinking about it.
fuck up: almost kissing a girl who wasn't my gf... almost. we got really close, and i knew she wanted it.
so, i fucked up. help me please!!!
quick ninja edit skills: i love both of them, but have no fucking clue what to do. they are both just... amazing. not doing pics.
extra edit mutha fucka: "a" left me after 10 weeks. next week imma ask "b" to go bowling :)
|
2 girls want me. i am getting pissed as a and i have been together for 10 weeks, and b wanted to kiss me in sport shed @ school. fuck my whole entire fucking life.
|
gf fuck up
|
[
"oh god i am going to regret this when everyone",
"from school sees my reddit post but here goes:",
"okay, this was yesterday, but whatever...",
"i am a 13 y/o male in grade 7. i am already in a",
"relationship with a girl, but yesterday went",
"horribly wrong. lets call my gf \"a\" and the other",
"girl \"b\"",
"i was fucking around in school, when i hear my",
"teacher call my name. b needed me to help her",
"find -insert item-. it wa stolen from -classroom",
"names- class. we decided to walk around together",
"and ask the teachers of all the classes if they",
"had seen the item. sadly, they all said no. well,",
"until one teacher who said yes. there was also",
"this other teacher who wanted b and i to clean up",
"their sport game. we agreed, and so we packed it",
"up. we had just packed up the game, and were",
"standing together in the shed. she just stood",
"staring at me... watching me climb up to the top",
"of the racks to put -new item- away. i quickly",
"jumped down, and damn, i find b hot. if i weren't",
"with a, i would have asked her out on the spot.",
"damn, i figured what she wanted... she wanted to",
"kiss. i know it because she was sort of shielding",
"the door to the shed. i just don't know what to",
"do. some people say a is a stuck up bitch and i",
"should leave her for b. fortunately, or",
"unfortunately, i am not that type of guy. haven't",
"slept... too busy thinking about it.",
"fuck up: almost kissing a girl who wasn't my",
"gf... almost. we got really close, and i knew she",
"wanted it.",
"so, i fucked up. help me please!!!",
"quick ninja edit skills: i love both of them, but",
"have no fucking clue what to do. they are both",
"just... amazing. not doing pics.",
"extra edit mutha fucka: \"a\" left me after 10",
"weeks. next week imma ask \"b\" to go bowling :)"
] |
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oh god i am going to regret this when everyone i was fucking around in school, when i hear my this other teacher who wanted b and i to clean up extra edit mutha fucka: "a" left me after 10
|
47 | 9 | 0.81 | 47 |
ok so i write this from the toilet having narrowly avoided spilling my butt mud into my pants but let's tarantino that shit and go way back to the start of the story.
this week i am on night shift working 2300-0700. normally i catch the train to and from work as this allows me to get an extra two hours sleep each day which is rather helpful. anyway yesterday before work i had an errand to run and due to not timing things perfect i ended up missing the train and having to drive up and back (what does this have to do with my colon? hopefully that will make sense soon)
so this afternoon when i wake ip i realise i was in such a hurry to get home i wore my uniform home so i need to wear it back up. i have this weird feeling in my stomach like i could poop but it never reaches the level of have to poop so i ignore it.
fast forward to 2215 i'm at work in the control room and all of a sudden i have to shit bad. there is a toilet in the control room but i can tell this is going to be vacated at high velocity so i decide to walk down the hall to the toilet away from everyone. huge mistake every second step i take i can feel my asshole open. i''m struggling here guys but i manage to make it without anything spilling.
i open the toilet door pull down my pants and in mid twirl i can't hold it anymore and my ass explodes.
it doesn't go on the floor or the wall or even the seat. somehow i managed to defy gravity and sit down faster than the shit leaving my body. that's right i managed to catch it on the way down and get it all over my white work shirt.
don't have a spare and still haven't left the toilet. not sure what i'll be doing tonight, suicide from embarrassment seems like an option though.
|
i defied gravity and shit on my shirt
|
putting of that niggling feeling of needing to poop for 5 hours.
|
[
"ok so i write this from the toilet having narrowly",
"avoided spilling my butt mud into my pants but",
"let's tarantino that shit and go way back to the",
"start of the story.",
"this week i am on night shift working 2300-0700.",
"normally i catch the train to and from work as",
"this allows me to get an extra two hours sleep",
"each day which is rather helpful. anyway",
"yesterday before work i had an errand to run and",
"due to not timing things perfect i ended up",
"missing the train and having to drive up and back",
"(what does this have to do with my colon?",
"hopefully that will make sense soon)",
"so this afternoon when i wake ip i realise i was",
"in such a hurry to get home i wore my uniform",
"home so i need to wear it back up. i have this",
"weird feeling in my stomach like i could poop but",
"it never reaches the level of have to poop so i",
"ignore it.",
"fast forward to 2215 i'm at work in the control",
"room and all of a sudden i have to shit bad.",
"there is a toilet in the control room but i can",
"tell this is going to be vacated at high velocity",
"so i decide to walk down the hall to the toilet",
"away from everyone. huge mistake every second",
"step i take i can feel my asshole open. i''m",
"struggling here guys but i manage to make it",
"without anything spilling.",
"i open the toilet door pull down my pants and in",
"mid twirl i can't hold it anymore and my ass",
"explodes.",
"it doesn't go on the floor or the wall or even",
"the seat. somehow i managed to defy gravity and",
"sit down faster than the shit leaving my body.",
"that's right i managed to catch it on the way",
"down and get it all over my white work shirt.",
"don't have a spare and still haven't left the",
"toilet. not sure what i'll be doing tonight,",
"suicide from embarrassment seems like an option",
"though."
] |
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the seat. somehow i managed to defy gravity and
|
6 | 2 | 0.71 | 6 |
i'm a 20 year old male for the record. i work as a writer at a start-up i shan't name for privacy.
and so there i was this morning with an inexplicable urge to make water, and being sleepy as fuck in the office i ambled to the washroom, pulled my pants down all the way, whipped my dick out and decided to take a piss. being sleepy as i was, i hadn't noticed that i was standing a good two feet away from the toilet bowl.
having already pissed once an hour or two ago, i didn't have that much pee to get out of me. the stream was not strong and the end of which, unbeknownst to me, was getting all over my briefs and pants. so after i was done i reached down and pulled my pants back up to notice that my underwear and pants were damp. looking down in horror, i realized that i had essentially pissed myself.
so there i was with wet underwear and semi-wet pants and i wasn't gonna wear wet underwear for the rest of the day (because that is nasty). and i couldn't just leave the washroom holding my wet underwear in hand in full view of my colleagues and boss looking like a toddler after downing a gallon of gatorade. so i decided to ball up my underwear and toss it out the window. (we're on the 4th floor).
and here i am at my desk writing with semi-wet pants and no underwear. i'm still praying nobody finds the briefs i tossed out the toilet window this morning or smells the piss in my pants.
|
pissed pants, tossed underwear out the window, going commando with piss pants for the rest of the day.**
|
pissing my pants at work and throwing my underwear out the window.
|
[
"i'm a 20 year old male for the record. i work as a",
"writer at a start-up i shan't name for privacy.",
"and so there i was this morning with an",
"inexplicable urge to make water, and being sleepy",
"as fuck in the office i ambled to the washroom,",
"pulled my pants down all the way, whipped my dick",
"out and decided to take a piss. being sleepy as i",
"was, i hadn't noticed that i was standing a good",
"two feet away from the toilet bowl.",
"having already pissed once an hour or two ago, i",
"didn't have that much pee to get out of me. the",
"stream was not strong and the end of which,",
"unbeknownst to me, was getting all over my briefs",
"and pants. so after i was done i reached down and",
"pulled my pants back up to notice that my",
"underwear and pants were damp. looking down in",
"horror, i realized that i had essentially pissed",
"myself.",
"so there i was with wet underwear and semi-wet",
"pants and i wasn't gonna wear wet underwear for",
"the rest of the day (because that is nasty). and",
"i couldn't just leave the washroom holding my wet",
"underwear in hand in full view of my colleagues",
"and boss looking like a toddler after downing a",
"gallon of gatorade. so i decided to ball up my",
"underwear and toss it out the window. (we're on",
"the 4th floor).",
"and here i am at my desk writing with semi-wet",
"pants and no underwear. i'm still praying nobody",
"finds the briefs i tossed out the toilet window",
"this morning or smells the piss in my pants."
] |
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] |
the rest of the day (because that is nasty). and underwear and toss it out the window. (we're on
|
841 | 293 | 0.9 | 841 |
before i begin, know that i am a teenage girl.
the catastrophe took place this morning while i was masturbating.
there i was, on the soft, carpeted floor of my bedroom, mid-fap (schlick?). reclining comfortably next to me was a golf ball sized wiffle ball, white and hollow.
so i was several minutes into my sesh and was coming up to my orgasm when i thought, *"oh hey. let me find something to put in there to make it interesting."* so i preceded to shove the foreign object into my vag.
soon after, i finished the job and was ready to take out the toy and **oh shit. the damn thing won't come out.**
i tried and tried to wrap my fingers around it to pull all to no avail! i truly expected the lube made in my gennies would suffice for removing the ball, but oh, was i wrong.
there i was, no pants, imagining a panicked call to my mother about something stuck in my cunt.
in an attempt to get it, i grabbed the first thing i saw which was a pair of rusty pliers that i had been using yesterday to remove staples from my wall but upon entry, quickly realized that i couldn't see what i was doing and repeatedly pinched myself.
finally, i realized that i needed to hook one of the holes so i grabbed a paper clip from my desk, bent it with the pliers and went fishing.
i hooked the little devil after a few attempts and gave it a tug.
edit: here's the culprit and hook
http://i.imgur.com/zkn5sis.jpg
|
stuck a toy in my cunt, regretted it greatly
|
getting a wiffle ball stuck in my vagina
|
[
"before i begin, know that i am a teenage girl.",
"the catastrophe took place this morning while i",
"was masturbating.",
"there i was, on the soft, carpeted floor of my",
"bedroom, mid-fap (schlick?). reclining",
"comfortably next to me was a golf ball sized",
"wiffle ball, white and hollow.",
"so i was several minutes into my sesh and was",
"coming up to my orgasm when i thought, *\"oh hey.",
"let me find something to put in there to make it",
"interesting.\"* so i preceded to shove the foreign",
"object into my vag.",
"soon after, i finished the job and was ready to",
"take out the toy and **oh shit. the damn thing",
"won't come out.**",
"i tried and tried to wrap my fingers around it to",
"pull all to no avail! i truly expected the lube",
"made in my gennies would suffice for removing the",
"ball, but oh, was i wrong.",
"there i was, no pants, imagining a panicked call",
"to my mother about something stuck in my cunt.",
"in an attempt to get it, i grabbed the first",
"thing i saw which was a pair of rusty pliers that",
"i had been using yesterday to remove staples from",
"my wall but upon entry, quickly realized that i",
"couldn't see what i was doing and repeatedly",
"pinched myself.",
"finally, i realized that i needed to hook one of",
"the holes so i grabbed a paper clip from my desk,",
"bent it with the pliers and went fishing.",
"i hooked the little devil after a few attempts",
"and gave it a tug.",
"edit: here's the culprit and hook",
"http://i.imgur.com/zkn5sis.jpg"
] |
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to my mother about something stuck in my cunt.
|
0 | 2 | 0.47 | 0 |
so, me and my family is on a winter vacation and we live for the moment in a small hotel room. we are mainly here because my father is doing something job related here that i don't know about, but we're here. so around 8 we went down to the restaurant they had at the hotel and ate dinner. it was all good and when me and my sister finished eating we asked our father if we could leave, because we had nothing to talk about there. we were allowed to leave and we went up to our room. i started browsing reddit while my sister checked her phone. about 5 minutes later my sister went out and played with one of here newly found friends and i was left alone in the room. so i continued browsing reddit until i stumbled upon a couple of interesting nsfw pics. my dick reacted as it should and i felt the need to use my right hand. as i went in to the toilet and placed my mac on the basin and started browsing gw while doing what a man does. in just 3 minutes i thought i heard my parents footsteps in the corridoor. if my parents found out that i was fapping i would probably kill myself, so i paniced and while i sprung from the toilet seat my arm decided to play a prank on me and pushed the computer off the basin and down on the floor. there were a large crash and it all happend so fast that i managed to squeeze my dick between my thighs. after i punched the door open i expected my parents to enter the roo. but there were no parents in the hallway and no sound of footsteps. i paniced a second time thinking if my computer broke or crashed. i picked it up carefully and placed it on the sofa. i opened the lid and it was just a black screen. i damned myself and my horny dick for being such idiots. i attemted to restart it by holding in the power button and then press it again. the black screen were still there but after a while it started up and it worked as usuall.
edit: fucked up by apparently not fucking up and post this.
|
i almost broke my computer because of my horny desires
|
almost breaking my computer
|
[
"so, me and my family is on a winter vacation and",
"we live for the moment in a small hotel room. we",
"are mainly here because my father is doing",
"something job related here that i don't know",
"about, but we're here. so around 8 we went down",
"to the restaurant they had at the hotel and ate",
"dinner. it was all good and when me and my sister",
"finished eating we asked our father if we could",
"leave, because we had nothing to talk about",
"there. we were allowed to leave and we went up to",
"our room. i started browsing reddit while my",
"sister checked her phone. about 5 minutes later",
"my sister went out and played with one of here",
"newly found friends and i was left alone in the",
"room. so i continued browsing reddit until i",
"stumbled upon a couple of interesting nsfw pics.",
"my dick reacted as it should and i felt the need",
"to use my right hand. as i went in to the toilet",
"and placed my mac on the basin and started",
"browsing gw while doing what a man does. in just",
"3 minutes i thought i heard my parents footsteps",
"in the corridoor. if my parents found out that i",
"was fapping i would probably kill myself, so i",
"paniced and while i sprung from the toilet seat",
"my arm decided to play a prank on me and pushed",
"the computer off the basin and down on the floor.",
"there were a large crash and it all happend so",
"fast that i managed to squeeze my dick between my",
"thighs. after i punched the door open i expected",
"my parents to enter the roo. but there were no",
"parents in the hallway and no sound of footsteps.",
"i paniced a second time thinking if my computer",
"broke or crashed. i picked it up carefully and",
"placed it on the sofa. i opened the lid and it",
"was just a black screen. i damned myself and my",
"horny dick for being such idiots. i attemted to",
"restart it by holding in the power button and",
"then press it again. the black screen were still",
"there but after a while it started up and it",
"worked as usuall.",
"edit: fucked up by apparently not fucking up and",
"post this."
] |
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i paniced a second time thinking if my computer
|
0 | 5 | 0.3 | 0 |
so, we were on break during classes in high school. things were a bit tensed, so i decided to make some jokes to cheer up my pals. hell, now i blame each and every cell of my brain for recalling only yo momma jokes. my mind was not working that time, so i joked with one mate which has neutral-to-negative thoughts about me. he didn't realized that was a joke, and, not letting me finish, stood up and punched me right in nose. that was one's punch, i say. i instantly went into amok (i have slight psychical problems) and pounded him into wall. i don't remember the fight, but witnesses say that was the cruel one. well, after we were grabbed away by others, there was blood everywhere, and worst of all, that was all my blood. i looked worse than zombie fighter after battling with not less than a hundred undeads. the other mate seemed very fine. ouch my reputation. i've lost. man, i am 180cm tall, weigh 82kg and not deprived by physical power. mate is about 155cm tall and weighs about 50kgs. after witnessing how fun the principal accidentally spits when he screams at someone, we excused each other, cause there wasn't any real point of fighting - we just went over the boiling point - but now my school reputation is completely lost and i think i need to move to the other school.
edit: my nasal septum is deformed now
|
i got my nose broken by telling yo momma joke to the wrong person**
|
yo momma joke with the wrong people
|
[
"so, we were on break during classes in high",
"school. things were a bit tensed, so i decided to",
"make some jokes to cheer up my pals. hell, now i",
"blame each and every cell of my brain for",
"recalling only yo momma jokes. my mind was not",
"working that time, so i joked with one mate which",
"has neutral-to-negative thoughts about me. he",
"didn't realized that was a joke, and, not letting",
"me finish, stood up and punched me right in nose.",
"that was one's punch, i say. i instantly went",
"into amok (i have slight psychical problems) and",
"pounded him into wall. i don't remember the",
"fight, but witnesses say that was the cruel one.",
"well, after we were grabbed away by others, there",
"was blood everywhere, and worst of all, that was",
"all my blood. i looked worse than zombie fighter",
"after battling with not less than a hundred",
"undeads. the other mate seemed very fine. ouch my",
"reputation. i've lost. man, i am 180cm tall,",
"weigh 82kg and not deprived by physical power.",
"mate is about 155cm tall and weighs about 50kgs.",
"after witnessing how fun the principal",
"accidentally spits when he screams at someone, we",
"excused each other, cause there wasn't any real",
"point of fighting - we just went over the boiling",
"point - but now my school reputation is",
"completely lost and i think i need to move to the",
"other school.",
"edit: my nasal septum is deformed now"
] |
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recalling only yo momma jokes. my mind was not completely lost and i think i need to move to the
|
0 | 34 | 0.47 | 0 |
so this was last week, only have the nerve to say it now...
so here i am, freshman in college, hot chick from class invites me to a frat party, fuck yea!
the night is going along well, were both drinking, flirting around, make out a bit, and she says: we should go upstairs and continue.
damn right! i run upstairs, rooms are either occupied or locked, fuck! but wait! the bathroom is free!
so we go in there, lock the door, and start getting hot and heavy. where at one point she says, you should fuck me in the shower, that would be hot.
sure thing, we both strip, turn on the shower and go! her leaning up against the wall, doing a bit of stand up doggy, where she says, fuck me in the ass. drunk, and never done anal before, i say fuck yea.
start it up slowly, but the water is not as lubricating as we thought, but then i see this jar of vaseline, i ask her if she wants me to use that, yes she says. so i take a big glob and later it all over her ass and my dick.
proceed with fornication, after a few thrusts i feel it getting warm, but kept going, then all of a sudden i can't move, she's asking what the fuck i'm doing, she's in agony, i'm in agony. i can't get out...
my hand is stuck on her ass, my dick is also stuck in her ass.
and it hits me. somebody put some glue in the vaseline. wtf!?!?
so here we are, two people, wet, still perched over doggy style, one full hand, fingers and all glued to this chick's ass, at this point my limp dick still glued in her ass, her screaming, pulling away, me screaming of my dick being pulled out.
nothing in sight, no solvents, no nothing, nail polish remover? nope, guys frat house.
so here we are, we dress up as much as possible, i have a shirt with one arm in, she has a shirt on, and we wrap a towel between us.
walk down the stairs, in front of the whole party of 300 people, with my dick stuck in this poor chicks ass.
we called an ambulance, and a little under an hour later, they showed up. they looked at us and tried to figure out what the fuck was going on. we explain the situation, and i must hand it to the emergency guys, they wanted to cry and burst out in laughter, but didn't and tried hard to keep us calm, and tried to say with a straight face that this happens once in a while...
in the ambulance they used something to get my hand off her bare ass, and i was able to put my shirt on.
get to the hospital, 7 hours, 7 fucking hours of both of us laying on our sides, doctors, nurses, students, the whole fucking city was there, taking pictures and you could just hear a roaring whisper.
they finally get my dick out. blood everywhere, oh my god the blood.
she has to get an operation to close the wounds and clean up the excess glue stuck inside, and i had to get my foreskin removed as the tugging ripped a good chunk out.
i recently found out that there was super glue in the vaseline because there was a guy who lived in the house who always denied fapping and they wanted to catch him red handed.
i have yet to speak to her again, neither of us were in class this week as neither of us can be comfortable for longer than 20 seconds.
edit: thank you for not believing everything you read on the internet.
yours truly,
brokenanus
|
frat put superglue in vaseline, used said vaseline as lube for anal sex. humiliation level 9000
|
having sex in a shower during a frat party
|
[
"so this was last week, only have the nerve to say",
"it now...",
"so here i am, freshman in college, hot chick from",
"class invites me to a frat party, fuck yea!",
"the night is going along well, were both",
"drinking, flirting around, make out a bit, and",
"she says: we should go upstairs and continue.",
"damn right! i run upstairs, rooms are either",
"occupied or locked, fuck! but wait! the bathroom",
"is free!",
"so we go in there, lock the door, and start",
"getting hot and heavy. where at one point she",
"says, you should fuck me in the shower, that",
"would be hot.",
"sure thing, we both strip, turn on the shower and",
"go! her leaning up against the wall, doing a bit",
"of stand up doggy, where she says, fuck me in the",
"ass. drunk, and never done anal before, i say",
"fuck yea.",
"start it up slowly, but the water is not as",
"lubricating as we thought, but then i see this",
"jar of vaseline, i ask her if she wants me to use",
"that, yes she says. so i take a big glob and",
"later it all over her ass and my dick.",
"proceed with fornication, after a few thrusts i",
"feel it getting warm, but kept going, then all of",
"a sudden i can't move, she's asking what the fuck",
"i'm doing, she's in agony, i'm in agony. i can't",
"get out...",
"my hand is stuck on her ass, my dick is also",
"stuck in her ass.",
"and it hits me. somebody put some glue in the",
"vaseline. wtf!?!?",
"so here we are, two people, wet, still perched",
"over doggy style, one full hand, fingers and all",
"glued to this chick's ass, at this point my limp",
"dick still glued in her ass, her screaming,",
"pulling away, me screaming of my dick being",
"pulled out.",
"nothing in sight, no solvents, no nothing, nail",
"polish remover? nope, guys frat house.",
"so here we are, we dress up as much as possible,",
"i have a shirt with one arm in, she has a shirt",
"on, and we wrap a towel between us.",
"walk down the stairs, in front of the whole",
"party of 300 people, with my dick stuck in this",
"poor chicks ass.",
"we called an ambulance, and a little under an",
"hour later, they showed up. they looked at us and",
"tried to figure out what the fuck was going on.",
"we explain the situation, and i must hand it to",
"the emergency guys, they wanted to cry and burst",
"out in laughter, but didn't and tried hard to",
"keep us calm, and tried to say with a straight",
"face that this happens once in a while...",
"in the ambulance they used something to get my",
"hand off her bare ass, and i was able to put my",
"shirt on.",
"get to the hospital, 7 hours, 7 fucking hours of",
"both of us laying on our sides, doctors, nurses,",
"students, the whole fucking city was there,",
"taking pictures and you could just hear a roaring",
"whisper.",
"they finally get my dick out. blood everywhere,",
"oh my god the blood.",
"she has to get an operation to close the wounds",
"and clean up the excess glue stuck inside, and i",
"had to get my foreskin removed as the tugging",
"ripped a good chunk out.",
"i recently found out that there was super glue in",
"the vaseline because there was a guy who lived in",
"the house who always denied fapping and they",
"wanted to catch him red handed.",
"i have yet to speak to her again, neither of us",
"were in class this week as neither of us can be",
"comfortable for longer than 20 seconds.",
"edit: thank you for not believing everything you",
"read on the internet.",
"yours truly,\nbrokenanus"
] |
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vaseline. wtf!?!? in the ambulance they used something to get my
|
103 | 39 | 0.95 | 103 |
so, today, i'm on my break in our back office. while idling about on reddit, i'm tapping my hand on a small white box underneath the counter. so, my general manger comes in, and we start talking when i noticed a slight change in the box. there was a button on it, and i happened to push it in. my boss noticed what happened, and immediately started freaking out. unfortunately for me, this box was a panic button of sorts, and a swat team was now on it's way. fast forward five minutes, and we had a burly swat guy with a massive gun patrolling our store right before the dinner rush started.
|
pressed a panic button in the office at work; had a swat team show up for dinner.
|
having a swat team show up at work
|
[
"so, today, i'm on my break in our back office.",
"while idling about on reddit, i'm tapping my hand",
"on a small white box underneath the counter. so,",
"my general manger comes in, and we start talking",
"when i noticed a slight change in the box. there",
"was a button on it, and i happened to push it in.",
"my boss noticed what happened, and immediately",
"started freaking out. unfortunately for me, this",
"box was a panic button of sorts, and a swat team",
"was now on it's way. fast forward five minutes,",
"and we had a burly swat guy with a massive gun",
"patrolling our store right before the dinner rush",
"started."
] |
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] |
when i noticed a slight change in the box. there box was a panic button of sorts, and a swat team
|
105 | 21 | 0.9 | 105 |
don't know what i'm talking about? see last post, if not then...
i'm sorry for not getting this out sooner (if anyone did actually want to know the outcome of my fuck up) but it turns out that i'm only getting a write up since it was a mistake. loss prevention team came in checked the cameras to see if it was on purpose or not (it wasn't) and basically just said don't let it happen again. it's great knowing i'm not getting fired over my costly mistake
|
credit card transaction was rang up as cash, card was not charged, customer paid nothing for $1000 worth of merchandise
|
update "i lost the store $1000"
|
[
"don't know what i'm talking about? see last post,",
"if not then...",
"i'm sorry for not getting this out sooner (if",
"anyone did actually want to know the outcome of",
"my fuck up) but it turns out that i'm only",
"getting a write up since it was a mistake. loss",
"prevention team came in checked the cameras to",
"see if it was on purpose or not (it wasn't) and",
"basically just said don't let it happen again.",
"it's great knowing i'm not getting fired over my",
"costly mistake"
] |
[
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] |
i'm sorry for not getting this out sooner (if getting a write up since it was a mistake. loss
|
6 | 7 | 0.69 | 6 |
we've had this assignment for about a week, and i've been sick for about 3 days. the other members of my group decided to just film it and have me edit it so i don't get 0% on the project.
my friend said he would send me the footage, but he didn't get home to send me it until late. i was in bed early due to being sick, so i wasn't on the computer to see his messages. now he is pissed off at me because i didn't edit it, and the rest of my group won't talk to me.
also, i don't think anyone in the group is a very good video editor, so they were counting on me.
|
forgot to edit class project, no one wants to talk to me.
|
forgetting to edit a video for a group project in school
|
[
"we've had this assignment for about a week, and",
"i've been sick for about 3 days. the other",
"members of my group decided to just film it and",
"have me edit it so i don't get 0% on the project.",
"my friend said he would send me the footage, but",
"he didn't get home to send me it until late. i",
"was in bed early due to being sick, so i wasn't",
"on the computer to see his messages. now he is",
"pissed off at me because i didn't edit it, and",
"the rest of my group won't talk to me.",
"also, i don't think anyone in the group is a very",
"good video editor, so they were counting on me."
] |
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0.5495346126054739,
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the rest of my group won't talk to me.
|
41 | 18 | 0.95 | 41 |
i was sent to train some people on a new company program at a store i used to work at. it has been about five years since i worked at that location and its about an hour away so i never see any of the people i used to work with. so waiting on my first group to come in i was just chatting with a few people when this girl walked up and i said "ohh hey looks like you're getting ready to pop another one out huh?" i could tell by the looks of the others present before she could even tell me "im not pregnant". i wanted to crawl under the floor. her response was "well you still have a little of that hair left". needless to say i will never jump to those conclusions ever again.
|
read the title
|
assuming a girl i haven't seen in years was pregnant.
|
[
"i was sent to train some people on a new company",
"program at a store i used to work at. it has been",
"about five years since i worked at that location",
"and its about an hour away so i never see any of",
"the people i used to work with. so waiting on my",
"first group to come in i was just chatting with a",
"few people when this girl walked up and i said",
"\"ohh hey looks like you're getting ready to pop",
"another one out huh?\" i could tell by the looks",
"of the others present before she could even tell",
"me \"im not pregnant\". i wanted to crawl under the",
"floor. her response was \"well you still have a",
"little of that hair left\". needless to say i will",
"never jump to those conclusions ever again."
] |
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of the others present before she could even tell
|
10 | 2 | 0.69 | 10 |
kids this is why you do stuff immediately! never put things off for later.
so i been going to events for rush week on campus because i was trying to join this pre-medical fraternity available in my school. i was informed of the fraternity by a friend of mine who was already a part of it and told me to go to meetings. i went through hell and back trying to find professional attire for the mixer and the interview i had scheduled with them this past friday. i also had to fight my social anxiety while being at that mixer by talker to random strangers( i didnt show it while becoming aquainted with the members of the frat, but on the inside i was dying). on the day of my interview i went early and was called in and made it through it fairly well.
that same night, i get a call from my friend who originally informed me about the frat to meet him outside in the quad near where i dorm. he congratulates me and hands me a letter with my acceptance to pledge for the quarter and we parted ways.
now here is where i fucked up. the letter stated that i had to confirm my acceptance with them in order to recieve further info by calling the number listed, before 2am of today....the 19th, about 18 or so hours ago.....i had stuck the letter in my pocket and told myself i would call in a bit due to having to attend other matters at hand. threw my pants in the laundry bag and it fell out about an hour ago as i was getting ready to do laundry. i had completely forgotten about it. just flew over my head like it was something non-important or something even though i made the biggest effort in my life to join.
all day today, i could have called, maybe cleared something up with them, explain to them what happen, but i realized why the timing to confirm was so odd. the fraternity left to a group vacation this holiday weekend and 2am was the time they left to drive down to their lodge or cabin or whatever the hell they are staying......shit..
|
went through anixety hell all week to join a pre-med frat, got the acceptance letter, forgot to call to confirm, too late now t_t
|
putting a letter in my pocket
|
[
"kids this is why you do stuff immediately! never",
"put things off for later.",
"so i been going to events for rush week on campus",
"because i was trying to join this pre-medical",
"fraternity available in my school. i was informed",
"of the fraternity by a friend of mine who was",
"already a part of it and told me to go to",
"meetings. i went through hell and back trying to",
"find professional attire for the mixer and the",
"interview i had scheduled with them this past",
"friday. i also had to fight my social anxiety",
"while being at that mixer by talker to random",
"strangers( i didnt show it while becoming",
"aquainted with the members of the frat, but on",
"the inside i was dying). on the day of my",
"interview i went early and was called in and made",
"it through it fairly well.",
"that same night, i get a call from my friend who",
"originally informed me about the frat to meet him",
"outside in the quad near where i dorm. he",
"congratulates me and hands me a letter with my",
"acceptance to pledge for the quarter and we",
"parted ways.",
"now here is where i fucked up. the letter stated",
"that i had to confirm my acceptance with them in",
"order to recieve further info by calling the",
"number listed, before 2am of today....the 19th,",
"about 18 or so hours ago.....i had stuck the",
"letter in my pocket and told myself i would call",
"in a bit due to having to attend other matters at",
"hand. threw my pants in the laundry bag and it",
"fell out about an hour ago as i was getting ready",
"to do laundry. i had completely forgotten about",
"it. just flew over my head like it was something",
"non-important or something even though i made the",
"biggest effort in my life to join.",
"all day today, i could have called, maybe cleared",
"something up with them, explain to them what",
"happen, but i realized why the timing to confirm",
"was so odd. the fraternity left to a group",
"vacation this holiday weekend and 2am was the",
"time they left to drive down to their lodge or",
"cabin or whatever the hell they are",
"staying......shit.."
] |
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because i was trying to join this pre-medical meetings. i went through hell and back trying to happen, but i realized why the timing to confirm
|
661 | 80 | 0.97 | 661 |
first off, sorry for the wall of text.
we were out all afternoon, visiting my inlaws. it was a good day, we raided their basement for party supplies and had pasties for lunch. for the uninformed, a pasty is a bready pocket of deliciousness filled with meat and vegetables. like i said, delicious, but sort of a gut bomb. it was an hour drive home and by the time we pulled into the driveway i could feel some serious business brewing.
i run in the door and made for the downstairs bathroom. as i enter, i peripherally note a kind of "gloop-gloop" coming from somewhere in the wall. in my haste to sink the bismarck, i ignore this and start doing my thing. ahhh, sweet relief. i read a few pages of my book, then finish up and flush. as i'm leaving the bathroom, i hear that gloop-gloop again, and then a steady whoosh. suddenly my toilet is a swirling maelstrom of brown, and it's up and over the rim before i can say, "oh, shee-".
i yell to the wife, "fuck, the toilet's overflowing!"
god love her, she springs into action and runs for the plunger. there's shit-water running all over the bathroom floor and out into the hall. i frantically corral the dog, who is barking and pawing at the shit-water like it's his watery foe. i toss him in the kitchen, throw up a baby gate, and run back to start plunging.
suffice to say, this isn't my first rodeo. i know how to wield the poopwand, and i bust out all my best moves. i form a complete seal over the u-bend and rock that shit back and forth like an amish girl churning butter.
normally, within thirty seconds there's a disgusting blurp and then the blockage is gone. i plunged for a solid five minutes, really got in there (note to self: need a longer plunger, need elbow-length gloves), but it's no good.
the wife has gone to kroger to get a mop and bucket. i finally get tired of plunging, and, constructing a crude suspension bridge out of bathroom rugs, leap over the koi pond-sized puddle in my front hall and to the computer.
i google: **how to unclog toilet**.
there are lots of plunging tips, but nothing i haven't already tried.
next tip: baking soda and vinegar. but i can't get to the pantry, it's on the other side of lake shitchigan. besides, i don't need any more volcanoes going off in my bathroom.
next tip: dish soap and boiling water. i glance at the toilet, which is currently full to the rim with an unholy brew the color of rancid iced tea. there's no fucking way i'm adding more water to that. but what the hell, i can reach the dish soap, so i grab it and squirt 1/4 of the bottle down the john.
a few minutes later i walk back to the bathroom and, miracle of miracles, the water level is down. thank you motherfucking dawn! i start plunging again, and i try a test flush. **big mistake**.
the shit-water shoots back up over the rim of the toilet and i stand there, gaping in disbelief, as it keeps flowing, and flowing.. and flowing. water's running way down the hall now, and lake shitchigan is now lake shitperior. i hear a *"bleccch"* sound as my dog takes a sip of the soapy, shitty water, which is now running into the kitchen. i'm past the point of caring and i splash through the shit to the kitchen, where i do my best crouching tiger impression to scare the dog back into the corner, where i set up a temporary barrier of baby gates and the trash can. finally, the toilet stops flowing.
right about this time, the wife comes back with the mop and bucket. i was thinking something large and heavy duty, the kind of thing that comes with its own "wet floor" standup, but the mop she's holding brings to mind some kind of reusable vegan q-tip.
while she starts dabbing at lake shitperior with this tiniest of all mops, i try the next internet tip: use a wire coat hanger as a snake.
**pro-tip: don't ever use a fucking hanger on your toilet.** not only was it totally useless on the blockage, but hours later, after the mess finally cleared i found deep scratches in my toilet bowl that i'm sure i'll be charged for.
so finally we give up and the wife calls the emergency maintenance hotline. a recording tells her, "this line is only for maintenance emergencies, like a blockage in your *only* toilet." this isn't our only toilet, but we're not waiting for fucking monday. nobody picks up, but we leave our number for them to call back and begin assessing the damage.
there's half an inch of filth in the entire hallway, plus some in the kitchen. thankfully it hasn't spilled over onto the living room carpet. however, this hallway has a closet where we keep decorations we don't have room to put up, which currently includes family pictures and college diplomas. **the whole. goddamn. closet. is full of water.** i can already see it wicking through the bottom of the boxes like some fucked up bounty commercial.
i take my terrified dog upstairs, run back down, and start flinging boxes out of the closet. they're soaked, and as soon as i lift them they crumble and spill candles and decorative soaps and what-have you everywhere.
the cleanup is not working. my wife is mopping like a champ but the vegan q-tip is barely making a dent. finally we decide to sacrifice some towels and the broom and dustpan. i build a half-assed cofferdam and start shoveling little panfuls of water into the bucket.
fifteen minutes later, we're starting to see the end of it when maintenance finally calls my wife back. i hear one end of the conversation:
"yes, our toilet's overflowing. there's water all over our downstairs."
[pause]
"oh, you say the sewer is blocked for the whole building?"
[well fuck, at least it's not my fault.]
"so are you coming to fix it?"
[pause]
"oh, you're forming a plan of action..."
[pause]
"but you're coming out tonight to fix this?"
[pause]
"oh good." click.
some time later, the water is all mopped up. the bathroom's a wreck and everything needs sanitized, but at least the lake is gone. we're going through boxes, unwrapping and throwing away shit-soaked valuables, when maintenance shows up with a shop-vac. we tell them there's nothing left to clean up, and they say, "oh. well, can you flush your toilet so we can make sure the blockage is fixed?" we do, and it apparently is.
the wife asks if we're going to be reimbursed for the sewer backing up, or the cleaning supplies we bought, or for the treasured possessions we're currently tossing into garbage bags. maintenance guy says, "uhh, yeah, you're going to have to ask [property manager] about that. but she's going to a conference. so definitely ask her next friday."
it's a couple hours later now. everything has been double-swiffered and clorox wiped. i've taken a shower and washed my hands so many times they feel like sandpaper, but i still feel dirty. i'm hungry for another pasty, but i'm not ready for that yet emotionally.
|
delicious pocket snack inadvertently triggers a tsunami of shit that wrecks up our house, wife and i clean up with comically ineffectual tools.
|
flushing a toilet
|
[
"first off, sorry for the wall of text.",
"we were out all afternoon, visiting my inlaws. it",
"was a good day, we raided their basement for",
"party supplies and had pasties for lunch. for the",
"uninformed, a pasty is a bready pocket of",
"deliciousness filled with meat and vegetables.",
"like i said, delicious, but sort of a gut bomb.",
"it was an hour drive home and by the time we",
"pulled into the driveway i could feel some",
"serious business brewing.",
"i run in the door and made for the downstairs",
"bathroom. as i enter, i peripherally note a kind",
"of \"gloop-gloop\" coming from somewhere in the",
"wall. in my haste to sink the bismarck, i ignore",
"this and start doing my thing. ahhh, sweet",
"relief. i read a few pages of my book, then",
"finish up and flush. as i'm leaving the bathroom,",
"i hear that gloop-gloop again, and then a steady",
"whoosh. suddenly my toilet is a swirling",
"maelstrom of brown, and it's up and over the rim",
"before i can say, \"oh, shee-\".",
"i yell to the wife, \"fuck, the toilet's",
"overflowing!\"",
"god love her, she springs into action and runs",
"for the plunger. there's shit-water running all",
"over the bathroom floor and out into the hall. i",
"frantically corral the dog, who is barking and",
"pawing at the shit-water like it's his watery",
"foe. i toss him in the kitchen, throw up a baby",
"gate, and run back to start plunging.",
"suffice to say, this isn't my first rodeo. i know",
"how to wield the poopwand, and i bust out all my",
"best moves. i form a complete seal over the",
"u-bend and rock that shit back and forth like an",
"amish girl churning butter.",
"normally, within thirty seconds there's a",
"disgusting blurp and then the blockage is gone. i",
"plunged for a solid five minutes, really got in",
"there (note to self: need a longer plunger, need",
"elbow-length gloves), but it's no good.",
"the wife has gone to kroger to get a mop and",
"bucket. i finally get tired of plunging, and,",
"constructing a crude suspension bridge out of",
"bathroom rugs, leap over the koi pond-sized",
"puddle in my front hall and to the computer.",
"i google: **how to unclog toilet**.",
"there are lots of plunging tips, but nothing i",
"haven't already tried.",
"next tip: baking soda and vinegar. but i can't",
"get to the pantry, it's on the other side of lake",
"shitchigan. besides, i don't need any more",
"volcanoes going off in my bathroom.",
"next tip: dish soap and boiling water. i glance",
"at the toilet, which is currently full to the rim",
"with an unholy brew the color of rancid iced tea.",
"there's no fucking way i'm adding more water to",
"that. but what the hell, i can reach the dish",
"soap, so i grab it and squirt 1/4 of the bottle",
"down the john.",
"a few minutes later i walk back to the bathroom",
"and, miracle of miracles, the water level is",
"down. thank you motherfucking dawn! i start",
"plunging again, and i try a test flush. **big",
"mistake**.",
"the shit-water shoots back up over the rim of the",
"toilet and i stand there, gaping in disbelief, as",
"it keeps flowing, and flowing.. and flowing.",
"water's running way down the hall now, and lake",
"shitchigan is now lake shitperior. i hear a",
"*\"bleccch\"* sound as my dog takes a sip of the",
"soapy, shitty water, which is now running into",
"the kitchen. i'm past the point of caring and i",
"splash through the shit to the kitchen, where i",
"do my best crouching tiger impression to scare",
"the dog back into the corner, where i set up a",
"temporary barrier of baby gates and the trash",
"can. finally, the toilet stops flowing.",
"right about this time, the wife comes back with",
"the mop and bucket. i was thinking something",
"large and heavy duty, the kind of thing that",
"comes with its own \"wet floor\" standup, but the",
"mop she's holding brings to mind some kind of",
"reusable vegan q-tip.",
"while she starts dabbing at lake shitperior with",
"this tiniest of all mops, i try the next internet",
"tip: use a wire coat hanger as a snake.",
"**pro-tip: don't ever use a fucking hanger on",
"your toilet.** not only was it totally useless on",
"the blockage, but hours later, after the mess",
"finally cleared i found deep scratches in my",
"toilet bowl that i'm sure i'll be charged for.",
"so finally we give up and the wife calls the",
"emergency maintenance hotline. a recording tells",
"her, \"this line is only for maintenance",
"emergencies, like a blockage in your *only*",
"toilet.\" this isn't our only toilet, but we're",
"not waiting for fucking monday. nobody picks up,",
"but we leave our number for them to call back and",
"begin assessing the damage.",
"there's half an inch of filth in the entire",
"hallway, plus some in the kitchen. thankfully it",
"hasn't spilled over onto the living room carpet.",
"however, this hallway has a closet where we keep",
"decorations we don't have room to put up, which",
"currently includes family pictures and college",
"diplomas. **the whole. goddamn. closet. is full",
"of water.** i can already see it wicking through",
"the bottom of the boxes like some fucked up",
"bounty commercial.",
"i take my terrified dog upstairs, run back down,",
"and start flinging boxes out of the closet.",
"they're soaked, and as soon as i lift them they",
"crumble and spill candles and decorative soaps",
"and what-have you everywhere.",
"the cleanup is not working. my wife is mopping",
"like a champ but the vegan q-tip is barely making",
"a dent. finally we decide to sacrifice some",
"towels and the broom and dustpan. i build a",
"half-assed cofferdam and start shoveling little",
"panfuls of water into the bucket.",
"fifteen minutes later, we're starting to see the",
"end of it when maintenance finally calls my wife",
"back. i hear one end of the conversation:",
"\"yes, our toilet's overflowing. there's water all",
"over our downstairs.\"",
"[pause]",
"\"oh, you say the sewer is blocked for the whole",
"building?\"",
"[well fuck, at least it's not my fault.]",
"\"so are you coming to fix it?\"\n\n[pause]",
"\"oh, you're forming a plan of action...\"",
"[pause]",
"\"but you're coming out tonight to fix this?\"",
"[pause]\n\n\"oh good.\" click.",
"some time later, the water is all mopped up. the",
"bathroom's a wreck and everything needs",
"sanitized, but at least the lake is gone. we're",
"going through boxes, unwrapping and throwing away",
"shit-soaked valuables, when maintenance shows up",
"with a shop-vac. we tell them there's nothing",
"left to clean up, and they say, \"oh. well, can",
"you flush your toilet so we can make sure the",
"blockage is fixed?\" we do, and it apparently is.",
"the wife asks if we're going to be reimbursed for",
"the sewer backing up, or the cleaning supplies we",
"bought, or for the treasured possessions we're",
"currently tossing into garbage bags. maintenance",
"guy says, \"uhh, yeah, you're going to have to ask",
"[property manager] about that. but she's going to",
"a conference. so definitely ask her next friday.\"",
"it's a couple hours later now. everything has",
"been double-swiffered and clorox wiped. i've",
"taken a shower and washed my hands so many times",
"they feel like sandpaper, but i still feel dirty.",
"i'm hungry for another pasty, but i'm not ready",
"for that yet emotionally."
] |
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like i said, delicious, but sort of a gut bomb. u-bend and rock that shit back and forth like an left to clean up, and they say, "oh. well, can
|
147 | 26 | 0.9 | 147 |
so i work at a state liquor store and we usually keep candy for kids and treats for dogs under the front counter.
booze hounds get accustomed to getting these treats. well today a scraggly looking ruffian says "you got any treats for my boys" i assume/ hope he means his dogs. "sure" says my coworker "but these new one are peanut butter". this scallywag grabs one and brings it to his face for inspection. uncontrollably i blurt out "take a bit" he shrugs and hammers down half of the dog treat. "pretty good" he says . and without missing a beat my coworker says "well would you like a few for yourself?" the man eyes light up and says "oh hell yeah!"
i then run out if the counter trying my best to not let him hear my uncontrollable laughter while he is still in the store. made my day but i do feel bad for encouraging the whole ordeal.
|
told a customer to eat a dog biscuit and he wolfed that shit down.
|
feeding a customer a dog biscuit
|
[
"so i work at a state liquor store and we usually",
"keep candy for kids and treats for dogs under the",
"front counter.",
"booze hounds get accustomed to getting these",
"treats. well today a scraggly looking ruffian",
"says \"you got any treats for my boys\" i assume/",
"hope he means his dogs. \"sure\" says my coworker",
"\"but these new one are peanut butter\". this",
"scallywag grabs one and brings it to his face for",
"inspection. uncontrollably i blurt out \"take a",
"bit\" he shrugs and hammers down half of the dog",
"treat. \"pretty good\" he says . and without",
"missing a beat my coworker says \"well would you",
"like a few for yourself?\" the man eyes light up",
"and says \"oh hell yeah!\"",
"i then run out if the counter trying my best to",
"not let him hear my uncontrollable laughter while",
"he is still in the store. made my day but i do",
"feel bad for encouraging the whole ordeal."
] |
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] |
bit" he shrugs and hammers down half of the dog
|
32 | 8 | 0.77 | 32 |
this did not actually happen today, it happened in the fall, but it warrants retelling.
i was about to be a freshman at a large public university and had made friends with a girl off of the facebook group of said university. we chatted over the summer every day, and i developed a crush on her. fast-forward to the first day of the school year. my parents drove me up to my new home, a 3 hour drive. i neglected to eat breakfast, and by the time we arrived i was feeling quite sick to my stomach. i ate crackers and felt a little better. eventually my parents left, and i climbed into bed.
but then, what's this? a text from the girl i had been chatting with over the summer! she wanted to meet out on a small bridge behind the dorm and talk. this would be my first time meeting her in person. i got dressed and headed out to the bridge.
she was very attractive, and during our conversation i started crushing on her even harder. as we talked, i began to feel nauseated. i calmly stood up mid-sentence and puked over the side of the bridge. we continued to talk after my episode of vomiting, but it was pretty disgusting.
all's well though, as she is now my best friend, and we would not have worked out romantically anyway. so in the end it's a good thing i puked the first time meeting her. at least i didn't shit myself.
|
**the first product to have a bar code was wrigley's gum**
|
vomiting in front of a hot girl
|
[
"this did not actually happen today, it happened in",
"the fall, but it warrants retelling.",
"i was about to be a freshman at a large public",
"university and had made friends with a girl off",
"of the facebook group of said university. we",
"chatted over the summer every day, and i",
"developed a crush on her. fast-forward to the",
"first day of the school year. my parents drove me",
"up to my new home, a 3 hour drive. i neglected to",
"eat breakfast, and by the time we arrived i was",
"feeling quite sick to my stomach. i ate crackers",
"and felt a little better. eventually my parents",
"left, and i climbed into bed.",
"but then, what's this? a text from the girl i had",
"been chatting with over the summer! she wanted to",
"meet out on a small bridge behind the dorm and",
"talk. this would be my first time meeting her in",
"person. i got dressed and headed out to the",
"bridge.",
"she was very attractive, and during our",
"conversation i started crushing on her even",
"harder. as we talked, i began to feel nauseated.",
"i calmly stood up mid-sentence and puked over the",
"side of the bridge. we continued to talk after my",
"episode of vomiting, but it was pretty",
"disgusting.",
"all's well though, as she is now my best friend,",
"and we would not have worked out romantically",
"anyway. so in the end it's a good thing i puked",
"the first time meeting her. at least i didn't",
"shit myself."
] |
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] |
i was about to be a freshman at a large public the first time meeting her. at least i didn't
|
40 | 11 | 0.8 | 40 |
in a walgreens, while picking up advil for a raging headache and what seems to be a mild case of the chills. i was at the front counter and began running my credit card for the advil and breath mints (i had just eaten sushi). i go to let out a little far (surely it won't be too big).
**squirt**
i clench up and make a face. casually, i ask the location of the restroom and if the cashier can hold my stuff for me. i'm pretty sure he knew what happened, at this point.
i waddled to the can on my tiptoes, holding back the invading forces for the length of the store. luckily, i saved my undies with the quick clenching. what occurred in the restroom could be considered a hate crime against toilets.
til that a gas-station tuna sandwich for lunch followed by fried sushi and an eel roll for dinner does not a happy colon make.
also, my piss smelled like asparagus. the sushi, however, was completely worth it.
|
who would have thought that eel and tuna were a recipe for anal lube?
|
making sure the counter stayed at 0000
|
[
"in a walgreens, while picking up advil for a",
"raging headache and what seems to be a mild case",
"of the chills. i was at the front counter and",
"began running my credit card for the advil and",
"breath mints (i had just eaten sushi). i go to",
"let out a little far (surely it won't be too",
"big).",
"**squirt**",
"i clench up and make a face. casually, i ask the",
"location of the restroom and if the cashier can",
"hold my stuff for me. i'm pretty sure he knew",
"what happened, at this point.",
"i waddled to the can on my tiptoes, holding back",
"the invading forces for the length of the store.",
"luckily, i saved my undies with the quick",
"clenching. what occurred in the restroom could",
"be considered a hate crime against toilets.",
"til that a gas-station tuna sandwich for lunch",
"followed by fried sushi and an eel roll for",
"dinner does not a happy colon make.",
"also, my piss smelled like asparagus. the sushi,",
"however, was completely worth it."
] |
[
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] |
til that a gas-station tuna sandwich for lunch followed by fried sushi and an eel roll for
|
0 | 4 | 0.5 | 0 |
so i recently was forced to move from my home when it was sold at an auction. i followed all the proper protocols and did the change of address, etc.... i was unemployed. this was in october
right before this, i applied for a state job, making 42-52 k a year. this was in september.
in november, i got a job as a graphic designer making 18$ hr, buy only 30 hrs a week. i needed a job and this seemed better than nothing. i live in one of the most economically hard hit areas of the country. (damn obama care, makes my job like 13.50 hr)
today i got a letter in the mail saying i was accepted as a full time employee at the state job, but i had to reply by december 20th. wait what?
the post office decided to forward my mail to me yesterday. not really my fuck up, but i loose anyway
making 2x+ as much as i do at my current job because they didn't forward my mail.
|
post office didn't forward my mail to me and i lost out on a job
|
post office edition
|
[
"so i recently was forced to move from my home when",
"it was sold at an auction. i followed all the",
"proper protocols and did the change of address,",
"etc.... i was unemployed. this was in october",
"right before this, i applied for a state job,",
"making 42-52 k a year. this was in september.",
"in november, i got a job as a graphic designer",
"making 18$ hr, buy only 30 hrs a week. i needed a",
"job and this seemed better than nothing. i live",
"in one of the most economically hard hit areas of",
"the country. (damn obama care, makes my job like",
"13.50 hr)",
"today i got a letter in the mail saying i was",
"accepted as a full time employee at the state",
"job, but i had to reply by december 20th. wait",
"what?",
"the post office decided to forward my mail to me",
"yesterday. not really my fuck up, but i loose",
"anyway",
"making 2x+ as much as i do at my current job",
"because they didn't forward my mail."
] |
[
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0.13090837230192895,
0.9137478665005906
] |
the post office decided to forward my mail to me because they didn't forward my mail.
|
25 | 15 | 0.72 | 25 |
so today i picked up a nice half ounce of dank. after acquiring this package i decided to go ahead and sell a few grams so i could get some money back. so i called up my friend kyle to see if he was interested. he, of course, was very interested. unfortunately he was working, so i couldn't just walk into the middle of a retail store and make a drug deal. instead, he gave me the money and his keys so i could put the gram in his car. his car is a dark blue semi-sporty vehicle with a soft cover, and a stuffed animal alligator sitting on the dash. i walked over to his car and tried to unlock it, but the key wouldn't work. so i pulled on the handle and, voila, it was unlocked. i got inside, put the weed in the glove compartment, returned his keys, and then left. upon returning home i began to wonder why i didn't see the alligator in his car...and then it hit me. i put the weed in the wrong car. immediately i drove back to the store to see if i could fix my mistake and, to my horror, i saw that the car was already gone. i walked back inside and explained to kyle what happened. needless to say he thought it was absolutely hilarious...i did not. i got his keys again and put a gram in his real car this time. all i can think about is that some random car is driving around with a gram of loud northern lights in their glove compartment. so yeahhh, i fucked up.
|
i am a dumbass and left an illegal surprise in the vehicle of a very lucky random person.
|
putting weed in the wrong car...
|
[
"so today i picked up a nice half ounce of dank.",
"after acquiring this package i decided to go",
"ahead and sell a few grams so i could get some",
"money back. so i called up my friend kyle to see",
"if he was interested. he, of course, was very",
"interested. unfortunately he was working, so i",
"couldn't just walk into the middle of a retail",
"store and make a drug deal. instead, he gave me",
"the money and his keys so i could put the gram in",
"his car. his car is a dark blue semi-sporty",
"vehicle with a soft cover, and a stuffed animal",
"alligator sitting on the dash. i walked over to",
"his car and tried to unlock it, but the key",
"wouldn't work. so i pulled on the handle and,",
"voila, it was unlocked. i got inside, put the",
"weed in the glove compartment, returned his keys,",
"and then left. upon returning home i began to",
"wonder why i didn't see the alligator in his",
"car...and then it hit me. i put the weed in the",
"wrong car. immediately i drove back to the store",
"to see if i could fix my mistake and, to my",
"horror, i saw that the car was already gone. i",
"walked back inside and explained to kyle what",
"happened. needless to say he thought it was",
"absolutely hilarious...i did not. i got his keys",
"again and put a gram in his real car this time.",
"all i can think about is that some random car is",
"driving around with a gram of loud northern",
"lights in their glove compartment. so yeahhh, i",
"fucked up."
] |
[
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0
] |
couldn't just walk into the middle of a retail and then left. upon returning home i began to
|
16 | 4 | 0.75 | 16 |
so there i was taking care of business when one of the cats decides to push her way in and see whats up which at first i don't think much of. until she comes up to me looking like she is about to rub up against my leg.....but no she decides to pee on me. i was a little stunned to say the least. her litter box is clean and she is healthy so i'm assuming she wanted to make sure i know i belong to her.
|
cat decided to piss on me while i was using the bathroom.
|
not making sure the bathroom door was shut all the way.
|
[
"so there i was taking care of business when one of",
"the cats decides to push her way in and see whats",
"up which at first i don't think much of. until",
"she comes up to me looking like she is about to",
"rub up against my leg.....but no she decides to",
"pee on me. i was a little stunned to say the",
"least. her litter box is clean and she is healthy",
"so i'm assuming she wanted to make sure i know i",
"belong to her."
] |
[
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0.3955051213907617,
0,
1,
0,
0.17176989202901838,
0.16741822058062122
] |
pee on me. i was a little stunned to say the
|
118 | 40 | 0.9 | 118 |
yesterday night, i fucked up in one of the worst ways possible.
first, some back story: my girlfriend is now the primary caregiver of her mother after her mother had suffered a fairly severe stroke that has left her paralyzed on the left side of her body. she can still function but clearly has problems with getting around which is where her daughter comes in. they live together in a studio apartment near where i attend university and share a single queen size bed. their family has never had a lot of money and the medical issues her mother faces make it impractical for them to hire a nurse to help. therefore, the responsibility falls on her family.
last night we became fairly inebriated and wanted to fuck. my dorm room was unavailable due to a stringent policy my engineering school has about girls spending the night. it is literally impossible to make it past security late at night to get her into the dorm. this left the other feasible alternative ... her and her mother's apartment.
we arrived back at her apartment and started to get into things. her apartment is fairly messy which means that the only real spot to have sex is the bed. we weren't drunk enough to get right next to her mom but we both knew that she is an incredibly heavy sleeper due to some of the medicine she takes. we decided to use one of the bedposts to position her on and i got behind her and started doing our thing.
we forgot a condom so that means i didn't last very long at all. as i pulled out i stumbled forward a bit and my load flew and hit her mother while she was asleep. after realizing what happened my girlfriend and i were utterly speechless. her mom didn't wake up - it hit the side of her body (more specifically her arm) that was paralyzed. we stumbled around and got a towel and got the spunk off of her. she doesn't know a thing about it, but i am absolutely mortified of the next time i encounter her.
|
got horny, got drunk, unprotected sex, skeeted, hit girlfriend's mother.
|
drunkenly skeeting on my girlfriend's disabled mother
|
[
"yesterday night, i fucked up in one of the worst",
"ways possible.",
"first, some back story: my girlfriend is now the",
"primary caregiver of her mother after her mother",
"had suffered a fairly severe stroke that has left",
"her paralyzed on the left side of her body. she",
"can still function but clearly has problems with",
"getting around which is where her daughter comes",
"in. they live together in a studio apartment",
"near where i attend university and share a single",
"queen size bed. their family has never had a lot",
"of money and the medical issues her mother faces",
"make it impractical for them to hire a nurse to",
"help. therefore, the responsibility falls on her",
"family.",
"last night we became fairly inebriated and wanted",
"to fuck. my dorm room was unavailable due to a",
"stringent policy my engineering school has about",
"girls spending the night. it is literally",
"impossible to make it past security late at night",
"to get her into the dorm. this left the other",
"feasible alternative ... her and her mother's",
"apartment.",
"we arrived back at her apartment and started to",
"get into things. her apartment is fairly messy",
"which means that the only real spot to have sex",
"is the bed. we weren't drunk enough to get right",
"next to her mom but we both knew that she is an",
"incredibly heavy sleeper due to some of the",
"medicine she takes. we decided to use one of the",
"bedposts to position her on and i got behind her",
"and started doing our thing.",
"we forgot a condom so that means i didn't last",
"very long at all. as i pulled out i stumbled",
"forward a bit and my load flew and hit her mother",
"while she was asleep. after realizing what",
"happened my girlfriend and i were utterly",
"speechless. her mom didn't wake up - it hit the",
"side of her body (more specifically her arm) that",
"was paralyzed. we stumbled around and got a",
"towel and got the spunk off of her. she doesn't",
"know a thing about it, but i am absolutely",
"mortified of the next time i encounter her."
] |
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forward a bit and my load flew and hit her mother was paralyzed. we stumbled around and got a
|
18 | 5 | 0.81 | 18 |
last night, i went to a mardi gras ball and ate a little too much junk. this morning, i wasn't feeling well and vomited around 6:30. my parents were leaving for work and i tried to go back to sleep when they left. about a half hour later, i felt like i had to vomit again so i went to the bathroom. i began to chuck, and some diarrhea began to come out the other end with each heave. once i was finished throwing up, i went outside to take my shorts off and hose my lady bits off. i finish up and then realize that i'm locked out of my house. luckily, i have my phone. i call my grandparents because they have a key to my house, and grandpa answers. while he is on his way, i put on one of my dad's t-shirts which he left out as pants. grandpa came to the rescue with anti-diarrheal and a suppository, the latter of which i did not take.
|
i shat my pants and kicked myself outside half naked and had to call my grandfather to let me in.
|
going outside without checking the door
|
[
"last night, i went to a mardi gras ball and ate a",
"little too much junk. this morning, i wasn't",
"feeling well and vomited around 6:30. my parents",
"were leaving for work and i tried to go back to",
"sleep when they left. about a half hour later, i",
"felt like i had to vomit again so i went to the",
"bathroom. i began to chuck, and some diarrhea",
"began to come out the other end with each heave.",
"once i was finished throwing up, i went outside",
"to take my shorts off and hose my lady bits off.",
"i finish up and then realize that i'm locked out",
"of my house. luckily, i have my phone. i call my",
"grandparents because they have a key to my house,",
"and grandpa answers. while he is on his way, i",
"put on one of my dad's t-shirts which he left out",
"as pants. grandpa came to the rescue with",
"anti-diarrheal and a suppository, the latter of",
"which i did not take."
] |
[
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0.3428912001635373,
0.49073630172002874,
1,
0.3010629809500641,
0.09186021101037521
] |
felt like i had to vomit again so i went to the of my house. luckily, i have my phone. i call my anti-diarrheal and a suppository, the latter of
|
3 | 8 | 0.55 | 3 |
on friday my aunt got married. she asked me if i would do photography because it is a hobby of mine and many of my relatives suggested me because they really liked my stuff. i was flattered so i went all out snapped all day and throughout the night, reception and all. i even got my video camera and recorded the ceremony, speeches, activities, and i secretly interviewed everyone so that i could put together a wedding video of everything as a surprise. i spent at least an entire day editing photos, video, and audio, and made my first mistake by not keeping copies of anything after transferring.
i still had some family in town and at my house, who wanted to play a game in the other room. i wanted to keep working so i unplugged my laptop from the wall and headed over. on the way i stepped on the power cable, sending the computer flying to the ground. tried to catch it but only fumbled with it a few feet above my hardwood floor before it landed open, face down. at fist it seemed fine until i noticed a beeping coming from it. started to crash so i tried rebooting it, but it didn't recognize the hard drive as a bootable device. started taking it apart and couldn't find any signs of damage around the drive bay. tried booting again, the beeping had been coming from the hard drive. the warranty on this machine expired last month.
**
|
**: didn't save copies and lost all of the footage for my aunts wedding when i dropped my laptop and destroyed my hard drive
|
dropping my laptop
|
[
"on friday my aunt got married. she asked me if i",
"would do photography because it is a hobby of",
"mine and many of my relatives suggested me",
"because they really liked my stuff. i was",
"flattered so i went all out snapped all day and",
"throughout the night, reception and all. i even",
"got my video camera and recorded the ceremony,",
"speeches, activities, and i secretly interviewed",
"everyone so that i could put together a wedding",
"video of everything as a surprise. i spent at",
"least an entire day editing photos, video, and",
"audio, and made my first mistake by not keeping",
"copies of anything after transferring.",
"i still had some family in town and at my house,",
"who wanted to play a game in the other room. i",
"wanted to keep working so i unplugged my laptop",
"from the wall and headed over. on the way i",
"stepped on the power cable, sending the computer",
"flying to the ground. tried to catch it but only",
"fumbled with it a few feet above my hardwood",
"floor before it landed open, face down. at fist",
"it seemed fine until i noticed a beeping coming",
"from it. started to crash so i tried rebooting",
"it, but it didn't recognize the hard drive as a",
"bootable device. started taking it apart and",
"couldn't find any signs of damage around the",
"drive bay. tried booting again, the beeping had",
"been coming from the hard drive. the warranty on",
"this machine expired last month.",
"**"
] |
[
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] |
copies of anything after transferring. wanted to keep working so i unplugged my laptop it, but it didn't recognize the hard drive as a
|
22 | 51 | 0.79 | 22 |
background : so i am working this whole week and my girlfriends (17 yrs old and i am also 17)phone is not working, she does not have a facebook or a e mail she frequents, only a twitter. also i raise rabbits for pets.
so she tweets that she is having a bad day so me thinking ill make it better decide to go to her house and drop off her gift, which is a baby bunny that i cleaned, bought a cage for, slapped a bow on that ball of 'dorable and went on my way, so i pull up to her moms apartment and ring the doorbell, she is not there and i cant really leave a rabbit there because some days she sleeps at her moms boyfriends house across town, and the nights are getting cold. so i decide to wait ten or so minutes, i have a cigarette and set in for a wait, like two minutes into it her mom pulls up with my girlfriends friend in the passenger and my lady in the back, i see the friend staring at me, ( i have a distinct truck ) and giving me a weird look, and then i see my girl duck.....my feels are hurt and awkward me i start my truck and haul ass out of there and go home... i checked twitter a bit ago and her friend said " who the fuck waits for someone to get home at their house like a creep, gross"
so i look like a creeper who was waiting outside her house for god knows how long. all because i tried to go the extra mile and get a awesome present she requested. and this is why i never have celebrated valentines day.
tifupdate: got dumped, and were "friends" my ass.
|
i got my so a bunny and went to her house, wasnt there so i waited, her mom, her and a friend pull up and scare me off, so lets friend call me a creep, i lose faith in being a good guy.
|
trying to be nice and got labeled as a creep
|
[
"background : so i am working this whole week and",
"my girlfriends (17 yrs old and i am also 17)phone",
"is not working, she does not have a facebook or a",
"e mail she frequents, only a twitter. also i",
"raise rabbits for pets.",
"so she tweets that she is having a bad day so me",
"thinking ill make it better decide to go to her",
"house and drop off her gift, which is a baby",
"bunny that i cleaned, bought a cage for, slapped",
"a bow on that ball of 'dorable and went on my",
"way, so i pull up to her moms apartment and ring",
"the doorbell, she is not there and i cant really",
"leave a rabbit there because some days she sleeps",
"at her moms boyfriends house across town, and the",
"nights are getting cold. so i decide to wait ten",
"or so minutes, i have a cigarette and set in for",
"a wait, like two minutes into it her mom pulls up",
"with my girlfriends friend in the passenger and",
"my lady in the back, i see the friend staring at",
"me, ( i have a distinct truck ) and giving me a",
"weird look, and then i see my girl duck.....my",
"feels are hurt and awkward me i start my truck",
"and haul ass out of there and go home... i",
"checked twitter a bit ago and her friend said \"",
"who the fuck waits for someone to get home at",
"their house like a creep, gross\"",
"so i look like a creeper who was waiting outside",
"her house for god knows how long. all because i",
"tried to go the extra mile and get a awesome",
"present she requested. and this is why i never",
"have celebrated valentines day.",
"tifupdate: got dumped, and were \"friends\" my ass."
] |
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] |
way, so i pull up to her moms apartment and ring with my girlfriends friend in the passenger and me, ( i have a distinct truck ) and giving me a their house like a creep, gross"
|
45 | 10 | 0.84 | 45 |
okay so this happened just now, obviously a few minutes after we finished having dinner. my older brother (by only 11 months) was eating lasagne opposite me and blowing on a bit of it on his fork.
this would have been okay, but he was breathing *so loudly*. i waited a few seconds before he took in a deep breath and did it again, me getting more and more pissed. "it's not that hot!" i complained to him, resulting with him looking up and saying, "you try eat a piece from the middle."
y'see reddit, this is where i fucked up.
okay, easy challenge, right?
no. dear god no. i took a big bite of it right from the middle and began chewing it, maintaining eye contact. i ignored the burning sensation and stopped myself from making any face to show how it didn't burn.
finally the lava was successfully eaten, i took a drink and excused myself, letting the victory show.
my tongue is burnt and i'm pretty sure i've killed my tastebuds.
|
i won a challenge set by my brother to eat hot just-out-of-the-oven lasagne, resulting in a badly burnt tongue.
|
tried to be a tough younger sister
|
[
"okay so this happened just now, obviously a few",
"minutes after we finished having dinner. my older",
"brother (by only 11 months) was eating lasagne",
"opposite me and blowing on a bit of it on his",
"fork.",
"this would have been okay, but he was breathing",
"*so loudly*. i waited a few seconds before he",
"took in a deep breath and did it again, me",
"getting more and more pissed. \"it's not that",
"hot!\" i complained to him, resulting with him",
"looking up and saying, \"you try eat a piece from",
"the middle.\"",
"y'see reddit, this is where i fucked up.",
"okay, easy challenge, right?",
"no. dear god no. i took a big bite of it right",
"from the middle and began chewing it, maintaining",
"eye contact. i ignored the burning sensation and",
"stopped myself from making any face to show how",
"it didn't burn.",
"finally the lava was successfully eaten, i took a",
"drink and excused myself, letting the victory",
"show.",
"my tongue is burnt and i'm pretty sure i've",
"killed my tastebuds."
] |
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] |
brother (by only 11 months) was eating lasagne hot!" i complained to him, resulting with him my tongue is burnt and i'm pretty sure i've
|
12 | 2 | 0.79 | 12 |
i work at a local italian place washing dishes and cooking. you know, the family run place that mostly hires younger kids looking for a first job. we had just finished one of 2 total morning shifts each week where we have a buffet. during these shifts, once the last customer leaves, we get to lock the doors and take a roughly 20 minute break and eat what's left of the buffet. there are only 5 of us working these shifts because they are slow; 2 in back(usually guys) and 2 servers ad a host(or hostess) up front. because there are so few of us we all go on break together and hang out while we eat; so we are all pretty good friends. anyway, the front workers are done preparing the restaurant for the night shift, and the two of us are finishing up the dishes. as the last server leaves out the back door, the 3 of us talk a little and someone brings up how the way the boss asked if she could pick up an extra shift next week could be misinterpreted to ask if she was a stripper. now we all have a chuckle at this, and being the type of person to always try to make people laugh, i thought i would follow up with a joke
.
i shouldn't have.
what was meant to be a funny remark about giving up this job to become a stripper turned out to be "even though i've never pictured it (awkward chuckle here) i bet you would make an amazing stripper."
after making this remark and immediately regretting it, she gives me the most "you are weird as fuck' look, i awkwardly fast walk around the corner, she leaves, and the other guy proceeds to give me crap for it the rest of the day. not exactly sure how i'm going to be able to talk to her now. it might help after i turn 21 in 2 weeks and can get drunk first. maybe.
|
tried to make my friend laugh, ended up essentially saying i picture her being a stripper.
|
telling my co-worker she would make a good stripper.
|
[
"i work at a local italian place washing dishes and",
"cooking. you know, the family run place that",
"mostly hires younger kids looking for a first",
"job. we had just finished one of 2 total morning",
"shifts each week where we have a buffet. during",
"these shifts, once the last customer leaves, we",
"get to lock the doors and take a roughly 20",
"minute break and eat what's left of the buffet.",
"there are only 5 of us working these shifts",
"because they are slow; 2 in back(usually guys)",
"and 2 servers ad a host(or hostess) up front.",
"because there are so few of us we all go on break",
"together and hang out while we eat; so we are all",
"pretty good friends. anyway, the front workers",
"are done preparing the restaurant for the night",
"shift, and the two of us are finishing up the",
"dishes. as the last server leaves out the back",
"door, the 3 of us talk a little and someone",
"brings up how the way the boss asked if she could",
"pick up an extra shift next week could be",
"misinterpreted to ask if she was a stripper. now",
"we all have a chuckle at this, and being the type",
"of person to always try to make people laugh, i",
"thought i would follow up with a joke",
".\n i shouldn't have.",
"what was meant to be a funny remark about giving",
"up this job to become a stripper turned out to be",
"\"even though i've never pictured it (awkward",
"chuckle here) i bet you would make an amazing",
"stripper.\"",
"after making this remark and immediately",
"regretting it, she gives me the most \"you are",
"weird as fuck' look, i awkwardly fast walk around",
"the corner, she leaves, and the other guy",
"proceeds to give me crap for it the rest of the",
"day. not exactly sure how i'm going to be able to",
"talk to her now. it might help after i turn 21 in",
"2 weeks and can get drunk first. maybe."
] |
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of person to always try to make people laugh, i up this job to become a stripper turned out to be
|
111 | 37 | 0.98 | 111 |
found a water bottle on bench in kitchen, about a 1/3 of clear liquid left in it, obviously water so i top that bad boy up with cordial and head to uni. start drinking in lecture to drop a couple of painkillers for my back and notice a distinctly coconut flavour that my cordial usually doesn't have... fast forward post lecture; off chops. clearly someone left coconut rum in the bottle ( housemate). nothing like knocking back painkillers with rum. waiting out the effects so i can now drive home.
|
off chops at 9am at uni
|
not ensuring the clear liquid in the water bottle on my kitchen bench was water.
|
[
"found a water bottle on bench in kitchen, about a",
"1/3 of clear liquid left in it, obviously water",
"so i top that bad boy up with cordial and head to",
"uni. start drinking in lecture to drop a couple",
"of painkillers for my back and notice a",
"distinctly coconut flavour that my cordial",
"usually doesn't have... fast forward post",
"lecture; off chops. clearly someone left coconut",
"rum in the bottle ( housemate). nothing like",
"knocking back painkillers with rum. waiting out",
"the effects so i can now drive home."
] |
[
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
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lecture; off chops. clearly someone left coconut
|
82 | 35 | 0.96 | 82 |
have you ever woken up confused? i don't mean 'i got blackout drunk-what happened last night?' i mean when you wake up, but you think you're still dreaming and you don't realize you're awake.
well, last night i guess i was having a nightmare about being attacked by a small animal (about the size of a squirrell) when i was woken up by thunder and lightning (but i didn't realize it at the time).
i scrambled around, sure that it was still attacking me, fell out of my bed and began trying to catch the thing (while laying beside my bed), i grabbed *something*, felt it struggling in my hand, and attempted to kill it by smashing it on the ground.
it turns out that *something* was my right hand.
i woke up, thought my right hand was a small animal attacking me, and attempted to kill it by smashing it on the ground. now its all sore from where it hit the ground. what the fuck, brain?
i should mention that this is not the first time that something like this has happened. a few months ago, thunder woke me up and i thought someone was breaking into my apartment and i ran around with my big maglite, sure that i was going to have to bludgeon an intruder.
years back, when i lived with my parents, the same 'attacked by a small animal' dream occurred, except that i began beating my bedside lamp with a pillow, sure that it had been trying to kill me. my dad came running in and turned on the big room light and i couldn't understand what was happening.
|
i thought monty python's 'rabbit of caerbannog' was loose in my apartment last night, turns out it was just my right hand.
|
because i couldn't tell the difference betweeen dreams and reality.
|
[
"have you ever woken up confused? i don't mean 'i",
"got blackout drunk-what happened last night?' i",
"mean when you wake up, but you think you're still",
"dreaming and you don't realize you're awake.",
"well, last night i guess i was having a nightmare",
"about being attacked by a small animal (about the",
"size of a squirrell) when i was woken up by",
"thunder and lightning (but i didn't realize it at",
"the time).",
"i scrambled around, sure that it was still",
"attacking me, fell out of my bed and began trying",
"to catch the thing (while laying beside my bed),",
"i grabbed *something*, felt it struggling in my",
"hand, and attempted to kill it by smashing it on",
"the ground.",
"it turns out that *something* was my right hand.",
"i woke up, thought my right hand was a small",
"animal attacking me, and attempted to kill it by",
"smashing it on the ground. now its all sore from",
"where it hit the ground. what the fuck, brain?",
"i should mention that this is not the first time",
"that something like this has happened. a few",
"months ago, thunder woke me up and i thought",
"someone was breaking into my apartment and i ran",
"around with my big maglite, sure that i was going",
"to have to bludgeon an intruder.",
"years back, when i lived with my parents, the",
"same 'attacked by a small animal' dream occurred,",
"except that i began beating my bedside lamp with",
"a pillow, sure that it had been trying to kill",
"me. my dad came running in and turned on the big",
"room light and i couldn't understand what was",
"happening."
] |
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] |
got blackout drunk-what happened last night?' i i grabbed *something*, felt it struggling in my it turns out that *something* was my right hand.
|
8 | 25 | 0.67 | 8 |
now this isn't a fuckup because of my initial actions but rather because it could of ended in dire consequences.
so today on my commute to work i was happily driving along in a long line of cars doing the speed limit when all of a sudden i see a troublemaker in his hatchback van speed up behind me. when people do this it's usually blatantly obvious they want to overtake you and i could see the way he was looking around that he was going to try at some point. despite the fact we were in a long line of cars and overtaking me would literally get him in front of my bumper and no further i decided i didn't want to let him do this...
as he went for the overtake i dropped into 3rd gear and sped up, closing the gap between me and the car infront of me so he couldn't squeeze in. he just kept driving along at a level speed on the wrong side of the road until he had to drop in behind me before getting crushed by incoming traffic. i gave a little laugh.
i could see in my rear view mirror that he was clearly pissed, he was shouting, pointing and waving around, at this point i could tell he clearly hated me. it wasn't until we stopped before a roundabout that i saw him pull up his handbrake and open the door to come drag me out of the car like niko bellic so i locked my door and starting driving forwards at the first moment i got. i started to panic because this guy looked like one crazy motherfucker and i was sure he'd follow me to work and beat the shit out of me there with whatever tools he had in the van infront of everybody in the office. luckily though i managed to lose him in the traffic and hopefully i never see him again!
|
almost got beaten up gta style by some guy with road rage.
|
not letting somebody overtake
|
[
"now this isn't a fuckup because of my initial",
"actions but rather because it could of ended in",
"dire consequences.",
"so today on my commute to work i was happily",
"driving along in a long line of cars doing the",
"speed limit when all of a sudden i see a",
"troublemaker in his hatchback van speed up behind",
"me. when people do this it's usually blatantly",
"obvious they want to overtake you and i could see",
"the way he was looking around that he was going",
"to try at some point. despite the fact we were in",
"a long line of cars and overtaking me would",
"literally get him in front of my bumper and no",
"further i decided i didn't want to let him do",
"this...",
"as he went for the overtake i dropped into 3rd",
"gear and sped up, closing the gap between me and",
"the car infront of me so he couldn't squeeze in.",
"he just kept driving along at a level speed on",
"the wrong side of the road until he had to drop",
"in behind me before getting crushed by incoming",
"traffic. i gave a little laugh.",
"i could see in my rear view mirror that he was",
"clearly pissed, he was shouting, pointing and",
"waving around, at this point i could tell he",
"clearly hated me. it wasn't until we stopped",
"before a roundabout that i saw him pull up his",
"handbrake and open the door to come drag me out",
"of the car like niko bellic so i locked my door",
"and starting driving forwards at the first moment",
"i got. i started to panic because this guy looked",
"like one crazy motherfucker and i was sure he'd",
"follow me to work and beat the shit out of me",
"there with whatever tools he had in the van",
"infront of everybody in the office. luckily",
"though i managed to lose him in the traffic and",
"hopefully i never see him again!"
] |
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troublemaker in his hatchback van speed up behind i got. i started to panic because this guy looked
|
0 | 10 | 0.31 | 0 |
when i was 12, my dad got an atv. he would always take us on rides. eventually i asked if i could drive with him. he let me. i was a terrible driver as i was so used to driving a dirt bike. two years later, i am driving it by myself. i top at about 40 mph. i do drift, but i would never think about doing that with my dad. when i first started riding with him, i always though, *he's going so fast!* not anymore... i have been asking my dad to go on a ride with me, but up until now, he said *no*. before today, if drove his girlfriend at about 35 mph and she had an awesome time.
so i get on the atv and then my dad does. i drive down the driveway (slower than normal, mind you) and he starts to tell me to take it easy. we hadn't even really started! i tell him, "i know," and stay at about 15 mph up a hill. again, "take it easy." by now, i started getting pretty annoyed.
i was hugging to the right side of the road at about 15 mph, looking out for any cars. "slow down around blind curves!" again, "i know, dad." by now, i wasn't having a good time. i was bored. i was getting to the end of our main road when i heard, "watch it trev. trev, slow down!" i was like a straight adrenaline shot into my bloodstream, and that wasn't good for any of us... once we got to a certain point, he screamed into my ear, "okay! turn around!" i stopped very fast and then he said, "jeez, trevon." he told me to let him drive home. i nearly fell asleep on the back of the atv...
|
don't keep a wild boy on a leash...
|
taking my dad on an atv ride.
|
[
"when i was 12, my dad got an atv. he would always",
"take us on rides. eventually i asked if i could",
"drive with him. he let me. i was a terrible",
"driver as i was so used to driving a dirt bike.",
"two years later, i am driving it by myself. i top",
"at about 40 mph. i do drift, but i would never",
"think about doing that with my dad. when i first",
"started riding with him, i always though, *he's",
"going so fast!* not anymore... i have been asking",
"my dad to go on a ride with me, but up until now,",
"he said *no*. before today, if drove his",
"girlfriend at about 35 mph and she had an awesome",
"time.",
"so i get on the atv and then my dad does. i drive",
"down the driveway (slower than normal, mind you)",
"and he starts to tell me to take it easy. we",
"hadn't even really started! i tell him, \"i know,\"",
"and stay at about 15 mph up a hill. again, \"take",
"it easy.\" by now, i started getting pretty",
"annoyed.",
"i was hugging to the right side of the road at",
"about 15 mph, looking out for any cars. \"slow",
"down around blind curves!\" again, \"i know, dad.\"",
"by now, i wasn't having a good time. i was bored.",
"i was getting to the end of our main road when i",
"heard, \"watch it trev. trev, slow down!\" i was",
"like a straight adrenaline shot into my",
"bloodstream, and that wasn't good for any of",
"us... once we got to a certain point, he screamed",
"into my ear, \"okay! turn around!\" i stopped very",
"fast and then he said, \"jeez, trevon.\" he told me",
"to let him drive home. i nearly fell asleep on",
"the back of the atv..."
] |
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my dad to go on a ride with me, but up until now,
|
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