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3,419,072 |
male
| 23 |
Science
|
Aries
|
04,June,2004
|
Dear Green and Katrine, Green, there is a friend from NUSBS that will be joining us for this session of complaints and learning. Her name is katrine.....(Hi Katrine). It is a pity that I do not have her photo to show it to you. You need to base on your imaginations on how she looks like. Hopefully she reads this blog and if she does not,then Green will be unable to know her personally except through me. This is how things work here in the land of blog where things come alive when people makes them as real as the life they are leading in. The Land of Blog is like any other worlds......the middle earth......it is only able to keep its own existence by breathing in the life of others. If not, it cease to exist. Ok that is enough of blogger land. You need to discover blogger land yourself. Humans have the weirdest and wildest imaginations and all these come alive when u r in blogger land. Ok, Am I boring U, Green. (No, not actually except that......it is damned boring. I know the place i am staying in so there is no need to give so much details. If there is so much, people may get bored and stopped reading blog and I may disappear soon....................) There is a talk that I went to two weeks back at Awareness Place at Bras Basah Complex. It is organised by Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery. The topic is on Suicide:Resignation, Protest Or Problem Solving. The details are as followed (Boring): Sociological 1) Altruistic- This means that we kill ourselves so that others can live such as in the military. 2) Egoistic- As in the recent mother and child incident, there is too pain for the mother so she opt to kill herself. 3) Anomic- There is loss of social continuation. This means a disruption in the social routine. This can also be a rightful place the person stands in the society. 4)Fatalistic- A rigid and traditional system where the people such as widow and slave are being forced to comply to certain unfair rules. This is one of the quote the Speaker,Dr Lim Kok Kwang gives during the talk. I am not sure whether I get it fully. It is something like that ' People are still living because of two reasons. The first one is living because you are not dead and the second one is you are not dying' I understand by the second one is that you have a higher purpose to live for so you do not think of dying. I need to take a break first......feeling a bit tired or maybe lazy....will be writing later...... Peace Alex
|
3,419,072 |
male
| 23 |
Science
|
Aries
|
26,June,2004
|
Dear Green, There' s so much for me to do. But then does it really matter whether I do them. I am not sure of it too. I am, as my friend, Pang who makes a reference to the fly without any head. The flies just fly about, knocking their heads on things. Haiz. Maybe i should try to take thing one step at a time. It is much safer this way. Peace Alex
|
3,419,072 |
male
| 23 |
Science
|
Aries
|
10,July,2004
|
Dear Green, Time is not at my side. There seems to be so much unfinished work in my life. I am not sure what to do about them. When I set up my mind to do them, there is always procrastination coming along the way. I cannot say that it is entirely the fault of procrastination as I create it; for it to obstruct my progress in life. Or is it to block off any prospects of successes. Still remember last tuesday, I am nearly ticked off my KP for being late for my Buddhist class. He is finding hard to believe that I can be late for two times or maybe three times consecutively. He mentioned that I am not putting enough effort in it. Maybe that is why I am always late. Being late means a few things to me, as I recently find out,number one is that I am late because of some pending and important stuffs to do.This could be procrastination at work. Or I am forced to do what I am supposed to do--- Living a politically correct world. Have to end here or i will be late for dytc Alex
|
3,419,072 |
male
| 23 |
Science
|
Aries
|
16,July,2004
|
Dear Green, Today is my off day from work. Actually I have planned on what to do today. I was supposed to have a gym session with a friend, L. And I was thinking of going for a meeting with the SIF overseas organisers. In the end, these two plans did not actually happen, I have instead something better. I was out with a friend, E. E is my secondary Two friend and he is the one I know and have kept contact . To be exact, we have known each other for 10 years. Wow that is long. We have breakfast at the hawker centre just in front of Hougang Heartland Mall. Afterward, we went to my workplace to buy medications for his trip back to Australia. E is studying there and will be leaving tomorrow morning. I wonder when will he be back. He said in November. And I know I will be missing him. This outing is never meant to be just an meeting. He called me yesterday to ask me to help him to buy medications for him. I agreed. So i asked to meet him at 1030 at Heartland Mall. As usual I was late. When we are at the pharmacy, I urge him to dye his hair and after much persuasions he did it at the saloon near my home. Just as I expected, E looks like a changed man. Mature and more pleasant looking. He was very worried what his parents will say. I hope they will not say that Alex is a bad influence. Hopefully. I do admire those people who can dye their hair. Maybe it is jealous. Now that I am balding.I cannot do these anymore without looking more werid. I do regret I did not comb my hair as often in secondary school when I got a chance. I do not think that it is vanity. Vanity is more of a egocentricity. And looking good is not only for yourself but for others too. Hope to see u soon E Peace Alex
|
3,419,072 |
male
| 23 |
Science
|
Aries
|
14,July,2004
|
Yes. In Green world, Green has problems. So does his friend. Problems which are probably similar we see everyday. One of them that Green highlights to me is something I can't really help 'him' In 'his' world, Sexuality is never a issue.But it becomes a issue in this world I am living in. If I will put Green as a his, people may have the wrong preception that Green is a male. Yet Green is not female. And there is no combination of gender. In the Green world, the concepts of sexuality is something we cannot know. This is because we are so attuned to our own surroundings and knowledge of this world that we use them in 'their' world. And this does not exactly explain what is happeining there. Anyway Green's friend problem is that When both man and female are in love with one other in the real world as in ours, do u really need to have the sexual intention to make the relationship work as in becoming married? Is having sex a extension of marriage? I wonder together with Green ( Green is very proficient on life in this world) Yet there is no solution. Is there??? Peace Alex
|
3,419,072 |
male
| 23 |
Science
|
Aries
|
14,July,2004
|
Dear Green, I am sick. I am not feigning sick. But I am really sick. Eversince I started work, I have this unexplained gastric pain with excess belching and hunger pangs. The weird thing is that all these symptoms appear after I have eaten a meal. The doctor from School said that i should take small meals. Ok I have not done that. Now it has become somewhat worse. So I try not to drink and indulge in my favourite hobby- coffee drinking. And it works. But then I will be missing that cup of daily dose. Then again the benefit is that i can get whiter teeth. Hopefully. Yes another illness is my sprained ankle that become sprained since I started my intern at Guardian. I am uncertain how I sprained it. I am aware that it is a relapse of an old injury I have when i was in Secondary Three. Now that it has become worse that I can no longer run. The hope of me running for the Army Half Marathon this year becomes somewhat bleak. Not only that I am also getting fatter by the minisecond. Yes from the start of this journal I have gained enough fat to last me for the next few months. Sad. How? It has been two weeks since the doctor says that I can recover by then. But the pain, though tolerable, still exists. The pain could be due to my prolonged standing at the pharmacy. What am I suppose to do? I can 't impossible sit on my job. Fortuately one more weeks this pain may soon cease as the internship is ending soon. Peace Alex
|
3,419,072 |
male
| 23 |
Science
|
Aries
|
11,July,2004
|
Yes I have this urge to write this essay or maybe it is a short writing whatever one may call as short. Yes I am torn between the right and wrong that is perceived by the world at large I am torn between what is meant by natural beauty and comestic beauty. I am torn between the need to achieve worldly success and the want to fulfill one 's dreams. Why? Isn't The Law of the World is as such that peace is always maintained and the Evil is alway punished. And noone will in the right state of mind to launch a war against any countries like Hilter or maybe Stalin. But then what we are seeing now is somehow very distorted, we are seeing that some countries are taking arms to fight for peace. War for peace. That sounds so ironic, isn't it. Yesterday night, I was watching a documentry by Gongli. She was asked what is in her beauty that attracted many. She answered that there is nothing special about her and she preferred natural beauty. Then something come into my mind. If the person being interviewed is not Gongli but the infamous Albagil. Should she have said she preferred natural beauty. Won't that be a joke? ........I have utilised all the energy.......to write Alex
|
3,419,072 |
male
| 23 |
Science
|
Aries
|
06,August,2004
|
Dear Green, My holidays are soon coming to a close. There is so much to do that I fail to do during my holidays. Maybe I have much expectations of myself doing more work. I must really learn to let go. In less than a week, I will be going back to school and buried myself in books. The modules I am taking this semester are as follows 1)PR3102 DOSAGE FORM DESIGN III 2) PX3108 PATHOLOGY 3) PR3101 Principles of Medicinal Chemistry 4) PP2107 Pharmacology II (Systems Pharmacology) 5) GEM2005/HY2243 Film and History Except for GEM 2005, I will be taking exams for the rest of the modules which requires the hard memorisation on my part. I really need to work hard to get into Second upper. I hope I can do it. No more heavy committments except for BS DC. Now I am listening to Josh Groban first Album. So beautiful and this music has accompanied and supported me emotionally during my exam period last semester. And I only managed to get all Bs for the papers. Sad. Seven days in Singapore. I just want to write what I have been doing for the last seven days. Just a reflection. Just now I have written to KP about the suggestions on DC. KP is my buddy in the Buddhist lesson at Sagaramudra Buddhist Society. This is its website urlLink www.sagaramudra.org.sg . Maybe I should start last monday. That is the day when I have my lunch with my mother. I treat her to a simple meal in a restuarant. But Ma does not seem to like the food.The food is too oily for her taste and I regret not telling her that. Maybe we should have dim sum as orginally planned. Last tuesday, I went for my last Buddhist lesson for that term in the evening. There is four terms in a year for this three year Buddhist course. And that is the third one. I cannot imagine that I have studied for three term. Wow that is amazing. I can 't remember what I did in the morning. Last wednesday..........I can't remember as of now. Ok yes i went to library to borrow books for my presentations in school. I taught my tuition in the evening for a hour. Last thurday, I went for lunch with CS at Suntec. We have Teochow porridge. After which I went to teach tuition. Last friday, I went to the matriculation fair to help out. There seems to be not many people on the last day. Someone told me that it is no longer compulsary to enter through the fair to get out of the SRC. Then I went to have lunch with FY, A and N. Later, N and I went to Geylang and I show him some of the temples. Buddhist Library is one of them. I need to go there as I need to borrow books for my presentation. Last Saturaday, I have presentation on Death to the DYTC. It is very inorganised. Maybe I have been very lazy and did not make the necessary preparation. Hahahah. That 's me. Last Sunday, I went market with Mother. In the afternoon I went out with S to the Esplanade to return and borrow CDs. This Monday, I stay at home and taught tuition in the afternoon. This Tuesday, I went for lunch with CS and I am supposed to teach tuition but the student change the timing last minute. So I stay at CS house for a while before departing for home. This Wednesday, I went for the meeting for Welcome tea. Prior to that, I have a meeting with P as I need to settle the module with him. After the Welcome tea, we went to watch Spring Summer Autumn Winter with BS. This Thursday, I went out with A and N to watch the movie The village. Great film. Then we went for Ajahn Brahm talk. Now I am going to sleep peace Alex
|
3,419,072 |
male
| 23 |
Science
|
Aries
|
01,August,2004
|
Dear Green, Someone commented that I have been neglecting U. Do you think so? I mean won't u be happier when there is a person lesser to pour all the problems and complains to U. Do you feel this way? Sometimes I think that you are a difficult 'person' to understand. Since someone makes a remark such a remarks, I am quickly addressed the 'problem' , right. Jacqueline Du Pre died on the19th 1987 in London. She is a musician, a cellist to be exact. A good cellist. Still her talents, I feel, is not fully utilised because she suffers multiple sclerosis which causes her to have decreased nerve functioning, thus decreased coordination. I am listening to her recording when I am typing this journal entry. I watch the movie, Hiliary and Jackie two times. It features the biography of Jacqueline Du Pre's life. I am not sure whether the movie indeed follows closely to her real life. But by watching the movie itself, I am sympathised with her tragic life. She is often misunderstood by others, especially her sister. Yet she herself has many presumptions about others. So this somehow makes her life difficult to live. She is tormented mentally. I feel that I am like her in a certain sense that I always have many assumptions about what others think about me. And sometimes I will act in the irrational way to fuel that wrong preception. I mean maybe I am too used to what I think may be correct though how wrong it may be, thus I will try to prove them to be truth. Is this ego? Maybe so. I have to go now Alex
|
3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
28,April,2004
|
Hey! Right now I'm in school, being super bored! Ohh, how fun...Anyways, right now I'm just sitting here looking around, trying to see the board with my assignment on it. But right now, I don't have my glasses with me so I can't see my assignments so I decided to post a Blog again... I have Yahoo web messenger going, I'm typing to all of my friends, and listening to the crappy music Mr. Gary is playing. Mr. Gary is my teacher for this period, in case you didn't know or if I haven't told you already. This morning I got really mad at my friends because in the morning they always run around the school, trying to avoid me. Then when I confront them about it, they always say that they were looking for me and that they were right where they always were in the cafeteria. I just think it is bad how my best friends are doing this to me right after I trusted them enough with my personal secrets. I guess that's my problem, though. Anyways, tomorrow and the day after we have testing :/ ... ... That's okay, though, I'm eager to get it over with. Anyways, I got to go, teacher is coming! Bye!
|
3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
26,April,2004
|
Hey! Right now I'm back in school. Its Monday so I'm both tired and bored... Its been a long day so far, and it's only 3rd period! My weekend was interesting. I wasn't able so spend any time with my boyfriend because he was camping, but I still had fun. I can't relay all of my weekend, because I'm trying to keep this web-Blog as G-rated as possible. Anyways, I'm sorry that this is so short today, but I got to go. Bye!
|
3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
24,April,2004
|
Hey! Would you believe it?!? I'm at HOME, although I'd rather be at school! Here in this tiny 3 bed-room house we have 3 adults, 2 kids, and 5 little children running around. That's a whole lot of people in one place. The only time I have some room to myself is when I am in the bathroom but even then someone kicks me out because they want to use it first. I think its pretty retarded that so many people are crammed into a small space like this. ( I know that there are people out there that have more people living under a smaller roof, but I think everyone should at least have there own room in a house!) I don't mind all of these people staying with us (were only supposed to have 4 people here *my family and I* but my parents keep letting others come here to live) Its just that when there is so many people here that it is stressing out my parents and the rest of us, then its getting a little out-of-hand. My parents can barely afford this house, let-alone all of the food that we need and other accessories, but now they have to pay for the extra electricity, water, garbage, food, etc, etc... Right now I finally have my room to myself, no kids or anything. I have my door closed so no one will come in. I have a little cup of water and a banana to last me 'till lunch, so I'm good. I think my mom might be out of the shower now, so I'm going to go jump in it. Bye!
|
3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
23,April,2004
|
Hey! I'm having a sort of, kind of, good day today. Its been alright, I guess... Anyways last night when I got out of school I found out that my ex-boyfriend wanted to beat up my new boyfriend, my mom kept ragging on me to find my glasses, and for some reason, my little cousin wants to be the biggest brat ever to me. But today I've been in this nice little calm mood and I have only yelled and one guy today (the guy that my ex sent after my boyfriend). Its almost lunch so I might get to yell at my ex. Anyways, I guess its all good. I miss my camping buddy, though, so I'm kind of sad about that. Its almost been a year since I've seen him. But he lives in Michigan so its not like I can just walk across the street and see him. Anyways the bell is going to ring so I got to go. Bye!
|
3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
22,April,2004
|
Hey! I'm having a slow day today...It's all good because I haven't had anything bad happen, yet... But anyways, so far so good. We have a Sub. Today in school but I guess that's okay because he mostly stays in front of the classroom...I think. Anyways, I forgot what happened yesterday so after I post this I have to go look. I miss my freedom, I mean I have freedom, its just that when I am at home I don't get a whole lot of space to enjoy my life and just relax, you know? I mean we have kids running around, people always coming over with more kids, and I never get a special place all to myself. I mean I can walk around town, but everyone knows me or someone in my family and they want to talk. I just cant be by myself! I guess its all good, but it would be nice if I got a little alone time. (On the same subject) I never get any time with my boyfriend either! There is always someone sitting and watching us like what we do is a new motion picture! I don't understand why people can't give us a little time to ourselves. But I do understand, on the other hand, I understand that my parents might not trust my boyfriend and me together yet, and that they just might want to get into my life a little bit since I always push them away. Anyways I got to go because the teacher is coming. Bye!
|
3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
21,April,2004
|
Hey! Today's a new day and I'm supposed to be doing my work...LOL...Not a whole lot new... But This morning I herd from my best friend that my ex-boyfriend was harassing my best friend's boyfriend. It's a long story but basically by boyfriend screwed everyone over (including me) and now he's trying to make everyone's life a living hell... So this morning, after my friend told me this, I went up to My ex and 'Talked' with him. I know now he is going to file harassment forms against me and everything but I just wanted him to realize that I don't want him touching my friends or my boyfriend. Anyways; I started off with a bad morning, like usual, but I guess it's all good. This morning I lost my glasses :(. I can't see a thing but I'm not totally blind but I'm pretty close... Anyways I'm going to go. I have another website to post on...Bye!
|
3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
20,April,2004
|
Hey! I'm at school right now....Ohh, how fun. I only have about 15 mins left in class so this will be short. Anyways (background) I'm a 15 year old from Aberdeen Washington. Don't judge me yet just because I'm only 15. I mean a lot of people do tell me that I don't act my age (which isn't true sometimes but most of the time it is). I live in a nice little house with a lot of crazy people. I love to go bike-riding, skating, to the mall, and go hiking. I love to go to the beach and I love the rain. I already have my plans for the future all layed out for me but it might take a little longer than I had hoped. I mean I'm only a freshman in high school but I have already failed almost half my classes. I'm hoping to finish high school (even if I do have to become a 'special senior' once or twice), then after I finish with high school I'm hoping to go to Ashmead college and become a massage therapist and start (or work for) a company in Portland, Oregon. Anyways got to go. Bell is going to ring.
|
3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
31,May,2004
|
Hey... My parents and I are in sort-of a conflict right now. I realize that this school year hasn't been that great. I feel like an outcast every time I step into the school building, I don't get along with any of my teachers, and I don't like any of the people that are there. But I guess my parents don't realize that because I want to switch schools to one that I would fit in more, and that would actually help me throughout the years and they wont let me. Besides this, the only cousin that I get along with is there. In the school that I am at now I doesn't have any family that can help me in any way. My cousin in the school that I want to go to can help me fit in, and can help me do better in school. The school that I want to go to is a few hours away but my parents and I aren't talking anyways so its not like it would be any different than if I was actually here at home. But I don't mind how far away the school is. I mean I want to get away from this little town so bad that, I think the bus ride over there would help my mood so I will be more caring towards my homework and the ride back will help me get into a better mood if I was having a stressful day at school so I don't take it all out on my parents and the other family members that are living with us. I don't have anything against the school that I go to now; it's just that it's a little to advanced for me right now. I can read well, and I write fine, but they expect me to do homework that is way out of my comprehension. Even writing in this blog, I have to copy and past it all to Word so I would know if I had misspelled anything (and I misspell a lot ). I have thought a lot about switching over schools and my parents don't realize that. I just hope that they let me switch because, right now, I am afraid of switching schools. I know that sounds weird, but if I don't get over my fear of moving from one place to another, I think I will be too afraid to move out of my parents' house when I get older. I know that I mature with time, but I want to actually be able to leave home and not run back to it because I'm afraid of the real world. I anticipate moving out of Washington State, but if I feel like I can't even switch schools, then how am I supposed to move out of state? I don't want to feel like I'm chained to home like I feel like I am now. I'm going to get off of that though, it’s depressing me more. Right now its Monday night and I'm sorry that I wasn't able to post over the weekend. I was out camping with a bunch of drunken adults... Ooohh, how fun. I'm glad that I got to see one of my old friends over the camping trip, though. That made me in a better mood than usual. After our camping trip (we came back Sunday morning) I was in a really good mood. I was actually communicating with some of the people that irritated me the most. And I was actually happy . I haven't felt that feeling in a long time, and it felt good. I miss smiling because I just felt in the mood to smile. I was even in a good mood when I was doing the chores that I hated the most (like dishes or something like that). It's amazing how quickly those feelings leave though, and it's amazing how quickly happiness turns into anger and sadness. I'm just glad that my dish week is over because I know that if I were to be forced into doing them when I was feeling like this, I would be throwing the dishes like I usually am. Anyways I'm going to go to bed. I'm not going to put my little 'meal-list' (as someone called it) for today on here, because I really don't care about it right now. So I'm going to say 'Bye!' and your going to reach the end of this post... Bye!
|
3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
28,May,2004
|
Hey... Right now I'm in school and I have been thinking a lot about the future today. It was really rainy this morning to my mind is clear. I was mostly thinking of all that I have going for me, although I still believe that my relationship with my mother is completely destroyed. I still want to get through school (including college) and then move out on my own, but I don't think I will live at home for much longer. As soon as possible I want to get a summer-time job, or an after-school job and start saving up. It will be a few years before I can actually rent an apartment because I'm still young, but I think I can survive home until then. I don't think home would be so bad if at least one person understood me there; but mom never takes my side ( because she doesn't understand), and my sister doesn't understand me because she can never know how I feel (and because she is to wrapped up in her own little word). I mean, my dad tries and sometimes he is even able to understand every once and awhile, but there are certain things that I can't tell him because his standards are higher than mine. I know a lot of teens say all of this, but I just feel out of place in my home. This is a feeling that I don't think I should have to come home to, and I thought home was the one place that you can go to in order to feel understood? ...I don't know though, maybe I'm just a loner. I got to go though, I will type more tonight, but for now, the bell is going to ring, so Bye!
|
3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
27,May,2004
|
Hey... Last-night was weird. I mean It ended up all good, but last-night was crappy. Yesterday, itself, was crappy. I first started out late; my teachers and some of my friends all got on my nerves, and then as soon as I got home everyone started ragging on me... While they were ragging on each other. I was so stressed out that I ended up taking another hour walk down by the bay in the pouring rain. I actually started to cry too, but I wouldn't let myself fall like that into darkness and wallow in self-pity. I ended up coming home around nine-thirty or ten last night. I would have stayed out at the bay forever if I could. I think it's only a matter of time before I just give up on my family. Somewhat I already started, I mean I don't listen to my parents anymore because they don't give me the same respect that I do deserve, my sister and I aren't getting along as well as we were before because (I feel like) she doesn't respect me either and wants me around just so I can baby-sit and do other things for her. And I don't talk to my Aunt anymore because she can't keep control of her child, which needs to be put in the corner for about a week. I was thinking about all of this during this walk to. I think that’s why I almost cried, because I knew that I was loosing one of the few things that I had left. In truth, I only care for a few things in life, my family, my friends, and my future. As you just read from above, I stopped respecting my family and started to separate myself from their drama because I can't handle it anymore. If you have been reading my posts for awhile (or if you have searched through the archives) you would have read that I have moved on from my friends. Which isn't true because I have never really moved anywhere except away from them also. So right there is two of the things that I really care about. Gone. I know that there is so much for me that lies ahead in the future but sometimes I just stop caring about that to. I worry that, one-day, I will just stop caring about everything. That I will no longer have something to live for. When a day like yesterday happens, sometimes I long to have nothing to care for so I can just end it all. Remember up above where I was talking about my walk and how I almost started crying, and just now I was telling you how yesterday I actually wanted the last day to come... Well, yesterday was so bad that I actually started dreaming about knives, guns, anything. I started realizing how bare my wrists were and how it would feel having blood trickle down them. These are actually thoughts that crossed my mind at that point and time. I remember yesterday picturing how most of my family and some of my old friends would come to my funeral and how they might, or might not, cry. But I don't believe that any of this will actually ever happen. I mean I do hope for the future and I hope for a good future, but days now just float by like nothingness while I try to keep up with school. Today wasn't any better than yesterday, though. I started off late again and today one of my teachers gave me an assignment that I knew I couldn't complete so I'm sad about that. One of the people that I talk to at school ditched me after school so I was angry with that also. So I walked home and right as soon as I walked through the door my sister gives me this 'Shhhh!' and this evil glare like I don't being here and like I was nothing... A loud nothing, for that matter, when she made more noise than I did just shushing me. I think I will go for an extra long walk tonight. Most likely, I will need it. But for right now I'm going to go blare my music and pop a few Aspirin so I will leave you with: Yesterday I ate: 1 handful of cheese crackers Today I ate: 1 Cup Of Noodles
|
3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
25,May,2004
|
Hi! Today was a really sunny day. It started awful too! LOL, but everything’s okay now, though. I started in one of those 'don't want to get out of bed, and not going to' moods. I soon found myself late, and trying to cram a shower in with only five minutes left until I had to go to school. We were a little late, but made it with enough time for me to chat with my friends for about a minute and then get to class. In class I was snapping at everyone... even to some of my friends. But I survived the mad mood and once I got into sixth period, I started feeling better and happier (which was amazing because we had a test to take over spelling and vocabulary which I hate). Anyways, I think I passed with, at least, a B. After that test I took an A.R. test (Accelerated Reader, a program we have in school where we read books that are worth so many points and then take tests on them to se how well we read them and we have to get so many points by the end of the semester). In the A.R. test I got all 20 questions right that gave me enough points to pass English this year (I have been working hard because I have a 59% in the class). After that I was in a very good mood. I came home happy and did my dishes in a good mood. I finished cleaning my room with a smile on my face, but it all seemed to go away when my sister asked me to baby-sit. I mean I couldn’t tell her no, she would get to mad at me for saying no. I guess that is one of the soft spots about me; if I know someone will throw a tantrum after I say no, I just figure it would be easier to just let them have their way. To be completely honest, I wouldn't mind babysitting if my sister didn't rag on me so much, if she gave me at least a day's notice beforehand, and if she wouldn't throw a fit if I said no. I feel like I'm being forced into it because she wants another chance to have a regular live... Which I don't blame her, and I don't mind. It's just that, I don't think I have once been able to go off by myself since she has had that baby because every time I get the chance to, she wants me to do something for her and after that I wont feel like doing anything but popping 20 aspirin and laying down and not wake up. Believe it or not, despite mine and mom's talks, I have been getting my thoughts again, and once again I have to force them out because I know that I have a lot going for me. After having so much stressed packed down on me, though, sometimes I just don't care. I'm just glad that I'm a smart girl (or smart enough) to be able to pull myself out of depression when nobody else even realizes that I am sad. Something inside of me tells me that I don't want them to realize it though. That I am strong enough on my own to hold everything inside and stand up strong and proud. I actually have a good reason to stand up tall and proud, though, not a whole lot of fifteen year olds can say that they can hold everything inside, think about suicide, attempt it, realize what’s going on, step back, take a look at the life that they have, and make themselves better instead of lingering in the past. And for those that can say that they have been through all of that, I applaud you, you have officially been through my life and back... I don't think I have to worry about my thoughts though; they will go away, just like they always have. It's amazing to me how something so simple, like babysitting, can drive me to these thoughts. I'm just trying to think back to earlier in the day when I was happy and when I was talking to the guy I like (I admit it, I like another guy... nobody knows about him either, which makes it all the more better). Right now it's raining... I love it! I can't believe how easy it was for me to get into a better mood... LOL It amazes me to think that for some people they get into a better mood when the sun comes out, but for me I get more depressed. I guess that is one of the many reasons why I want to live in a big city when I get a little bit older. I had my sights set on Portland, Oregon. When I get older I want to save up all of the extra money I could and move to N.Y. ...That is my dream place to live; and I hope my dreams come true! Anyways I'm going to go do my dishes whil I still feel like it so... Today I ate: 1 cookie 1 fairly small handful of Cheese-Its.
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
24,May,2004
|
Hi! It's been a very interesting day, and a darn fine one for a Monday. Today first started off with rock music so I was happy about that. I started off good... Anyways, then once I got to school I started to get into a bad mood because my teachers were in a terrable mood and it just sort of brought me down. By the end of the school day I was almost in a bad mood. I came home and my sister needed help with making a CD. Of course, because I'm just that good, I helped her and then she wanted to for me to go on a walk with her, the baby, and her man-friend. I went with them, hoping to get out of my bad mood, and it worked! We went over by the bay where we haven't been in almost a year. We had so much fun walking on the logs on the bay that we almost lost track of time (her friend was watching the baby while we went out on the logs). We were so proud of ourselves that we didn't fall in once that it brightened up my day almost, if not better, then in the morning. We came home and had dinner and everything was just gravey. So I came upstairs to my room and started playing on my computer. Mom poped up on MSN with the little heart emoticon. Soon we found ourselves in a deep convorsation about how we feel and what we thought the other peson felt. We got on to the subject of my future and her past. Like I want to be able to depend on myself and not have kids until I was older (maybe around the age of 25-30). And when she was younger, she wanted to grow up and have kids early and be a mom. I understood before that we both really didn't want the same things... Times change... But I didn't realize that she wanted to have kids. Believe it or not, we were told that my sister and I were unexpected and (basisiclly) unwanted. I understand now that she did want us, it was just that we wern't that... expected. On a sadder note, today I broke up with my boyfriend...(well ex. excuse me)...So, once again I'm a free girl. I have many guys that I like but I wan't to concentrate on my school work. I don't know if me and my ex will still be friends, although I would like that, so I'm bummed about loosing him for now. I just don't like the way that he dissrespected my family and I. I wasn't happy at all about that because I am a very proud girl and I refuse to have a boyfriend disrespect my family. He just needed to grow up though. Like most fourteen year olds do. Anyways I'm going to go, so I'll leave you with: Today I ate: 1 doughnut 1 slice of pizza 1 bag of chips 1 Cup of Noodles
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
23,May,2004
|
Hi! You can really tell that summer is coming; I don't think I have had a day this laid-back since last summer. I'm not complaining, though, it feels good to relax a little. Although it feels good to relax, I'm so used to stressing days that during this stress-free day, I had the worst headache in my life. It was almost so bad that I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I almost didn't, as a matter of fact. I feel better now, though, I have my music blasting and I'm about ready to go to bed. I actually can't wait till summer comes. I can't wait till I have no homework and no teachers ragging on me for reading in class or something. (That’s a good reason why I don't like my teachers, also, is because I'm done with my work, they wont let me read... No matter how ahead I am) But I'm tired so I'm going to go. Today I ate: 1 handful of chips 2 slices of pizza 1/2-cup macaroni & cheese 1/2-cup veggies
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
22,May,2004
|
Hi! It's Saturday night right now, and my parents are finally home from my cousin's wedding. Last night they were camping and today they came back home, got ready, then went to my cousin's wedding. Right now I'm watching the video that my dad took during the ceremony and I can't believe how beautiful my cousin looks. It seems like everyone was actually able to put aside all of their differences for her and her special day. I can't believe how the people that hate each other then most can come together in one place, to put aside their differences, just so they can make two very special people happy. Looking at the video, all I see is two, very much in love, adults. It's raining again here in little-ol Aberdeen and I couldn't be happier. I have missed the rain a lot lately. Now that I am listening to the rain pouring down, I feel more refreshed than ever. I just got back from sitting out in the rain before I started in this paragraph so I feel more refreshed and happier than I did before I started writing this post. I love the rain more than most things because the sound is so soothing, that’s a very nice addition to living here in Washington because you know that it is going to rain at least one time during the week. Although there are those rare occurrences to where it goes without raining for a couple of weeks, but all during that time I'm always grouchy. I wondered how many people noticed that about me. Anyways, (finishing yesterday's list and making today’s) I ate: Yesterday: 1 Doughnut 1 Ham & Cheese Hoagie 1/4 of a South-west Salad Today: 1/2 of last-night's salad 2 1/2 mini doughnuts 1 ham & cheese pocket 1/2 cup of Stir-Fry
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
21,May,2004
|
Hi! Ugh, right now I'm in computer applications and we are doing these Tab-Tables that are really stupid because they're hard to do and you can do the same thing with a regular table in word! It’s all right, I'm finished with the assignment now...I think I finally got the hang of them :D. Anyways I think there is only like 20 days left of school... I'm so happy! Anyways Today I ate: 1 doughnut 1 Cup Of Noodles
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
20,May,2004
|
Hi! I don't mind people staying with us, I don't even mind when they complain a little about accommodations not being specifically set to their needs, but its when they start to drag everyone into their own problems, that I start to get angry. I mean, I have nothing against my aunt, I never fought with her, I never said anything bad about her, and I wont ever say anything bad about her... It's just that she made the worst decision in her life when she married her hubby (their getting a divorce right now but it was just a god-awful decision on her part!) My uncle is trying to harass her with e-mails and telephone calls... He just recently stopped when we had to call the cops on him. He's an all right guy though, when he isn't totally obsessed, but he needs to get his priorities straight. I mean its bad enough when you got the other person scarred to death of you (not to mention having your little girl scream bloody-murder every time you come around because she thinks you are going to steal her away), but its just terrible when you taunt that person into smoking two or three packs a day and making them constantly look out the window. My aunt is a strong woman though, she doesn't scare easily, and she hides it well when she is. She is a little afraid of my uncle but only shows it when he comes around. I'm happy now because she fond another guy that she liked and is talking to him, trying to set up a date to when they can move in with each other (I'm not saying that it's a good thing that she will be moving out when they do arrange a date, but I'm saying that I'm happy that she found someone nice). The guy that she found is nice too. He is very respectful and polite. He loves my cousin and would be glad to be her father. The only thing that’s really stepping in the way of everyone being so happy is my uncle. Everything's hard at times, but its the times that you can look at the people around you and think to yourself 'Man, they are truly happy!' that you mostly cherish. I have been thinking that very thought to myself a lot lately. I mean my sister found this one guy that is a very good father to her child, my old friend (that I still partially hang out with) has been doing very good with her boyfriend and they have been together for quite some time now. And there’s my aunt also, because she found that one guy that she really likes a lot and she is finally getting through this divorce thing. I don't know why, but I haven't been all that gravy lately. Of course I can say that I'm doing well in school and I'm happy because I'm almost halfway through the humongous book that I'm reading now, or that I'm happy because I'm typing and I have my music and I have my soda right here. But, for some reason that even I cant figure out, I just haven’t been feeling happy, you know? My boyfriend and I aren't doing that well right now, but that’s no biggie because I know that boyfriends come and go. Mom is trying so hard to figure why I'm not happy, but I think that when she pressures me like she is, then I just feel worse. I think a lot of my 'problems' come from my eating habits, so, since I post here almost everyday, I'm going to try to keep a eating record on here after what I post, so that will be the 'good-bye' of the post ;). To start off with: Today I ate: 2 Burritos 5(or so) Tater-Tots
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
19,May,2004
|
Hi! Last night I was playing an online game that I'm addicted to now =/ and my mom comes in my room and asks what she can do to make me happy. I realized that in earlier posts that I said that I wasn't happy there at home (I'm at school right now) and I wouldn't reply. I know that she thinks that I meant that I was unhappy because of her when actually there are other reasons. It seems like my mom always says that we are directing our anger towards her, when in reality, I was just trying to blow off a little steam because my sister made me unhappy or something. But then I started thinking about other posts that she could have read. During my time of thinking she left for a little bit and came back in and asked, 'Why can't you leave the house? We let you go everywhere, within reasoning, anyways.' But I couldn't answer this one either because I know that she couldn't possibly understand how I feel. I mean she and dad depend on me to help my sister and my sister depends on me to help with the baby. I don't mind, of course, it’s just that I feel obligated to stay at home and help out. With the new baby, I can't just leave the house and leave everyone at home, waiting for me to return so they can ask me to do things for them. Sometimes I actually prefer to not leave because I know that if I do then I won’t want to come back. And when I do come back I will be in a bad mood because I am home. Anyways I got to go because the bell is going to ring, so Bye!
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
19,May,2004
|
Hi! I'm here in school just searching the web and I went to this one site that is pretty cool. Click urlLink here to see it. It's just a phobia list but its pretty cool. LOL, I love it... Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words. That is just cruel to people that actually suffer from Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia because they could never pronounce what they have. LMAO, I cant even pronounce what they have =/. It's all right though. I'm sorry if I offended anyone with this post =/, I didn't mean to! I just think that its a little funny on how that phobia name worked out.
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
18,May,2004
|
Hi! I have been having a very mad day. Like today I awoke and I read a note that my boyfriend gave to me last night. In it he told me that the reason why he didn't come over or call me on Sunday (which was, of course, because he was high). I was really, really mad because of that. It made me think of my last boyfriend that used to never talk to me when he was high and he was always high so I wouldn't see him for weeks at a time. Durring that relationship I felt like I was the most worthless peson alive. Of course its been like a few months between then and now, but I still compair him to my recent boyfriend (which I know I should stop). Anyways I got to go because I'm talking to other people ;). so Bye!
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
16,May,2004
|
Hey! I have been having sort-of a mixed up day today. I don't know whether that's good or bad... Today first started out good because I slept in and wasn't awoken by someone screaming 'Get up!' or, in some cases, 'Shut up!' After I awoke, I took a shower, went downstairs, skipped breakfast, and then I greeted my parents back from their camping trip. Greeting my parents made me kind of mad because I knew that they went out and had a good weekend without me. Although it made me a little mad, I was still happy to see them and I was super happy that they, themselves, had a good time. I don't mean to be rude by saying that I was mad because they were having fun, I just mean that I wish that I could have been involved in their enjoyment. I'm just tired of being cooped up in this house. I mean I feel like if I leave then someone will get mad at me because they need me at home. It's bad enough going to my computer club meetings every Thursday knowing that someone needs me at home; but leaving to go do something that is totally school un-related and un-related to family life, I feel like everyone gets mad at me. I remember one time I went over to one of my old friends to stay the weekend and I had a great time. (This was back when I was like 7 btw) Anyways, I come home on Sunday and it seemed like everyone was mad at me for leaving for so long. I think that was the last time I had ever spent the whole weekend at one of my friends’ houses. I remember that all that Sunday night, I was crying because I thought everyone hated me for wanting to have a little bit of fun. I have to admit, I still think like that from time to time. I swear, bad thoughts like that are just demons that haunt you until you just don't care anymore. This weekend I actually left the house for more than an hour, though. I was hanging out with my sister, her baby, her boyfriend, and my boyfriend, so it was like home, but still. We were all laughing and having a good time and I just didn't want to come home. I have to be honest, but I am just too tired to really care if I make it home now days. I mean it seems like there is so many people to care for at home that I don't get anytime to really think about me. I mean, I can notice how people are complaining in school about how their wrists hurt or how they have a back problem. I feel sympathetic for them, of course, but I also feel like I don't have the same right to say that my back hurts. I'm so used to not thinking about myself here at home that I really don't tell people what is wrong. People can tell, though, almost everyday I have someone asking me 'what’s wrong' and I can never actually bring myself to tell them. Thinking about this makes me think of how Mom came up to me about a week ago and asked me how come I don't smile anymore. Then about the next day Dad asked me the same question and tell me that I used to be so happy. I couldn't help but to mutter under my breath 'Yeah, when?' Of course he didn't hear me... But then again, a lot of people don't hear me when I talk. I guess that’s a good reason why I feel so alone all of the time. I don't think anyone notices that either, like when I'm here at home I prefer to be all by myself unless someone needs me. Now that I read back through this, to me it sounds like I'm just a human doll that everyone uses when they need something. I guess I don't mind, but it kind of sucks knowing that most people only want to be around you to use you. You know what the weird thing is, though? Like I was saying before, I don't complain about anything on my body hurting. But then again I do complain a lot about my head hurting. I wonder why that is. Anyways, that’s all I have to write for now. Bye!
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
15,May,2004
|
Hey! I loved this quiz, it was fun and quick, so I thought I would post about it here... Anyways, thats about all, feel free to email me and tell me what Happy Bunny you are!... Either that or post it on my chatterbox on the right-hand side. Anyways I got to go, night-time-sleepy-night-time. Bye!
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
14,May,2004
|
Hey! It's about 8 o-clock right now here in this little town in Washington State; and, believe it or not, I'm usually in bed by now! But, of course, I had to have about two pots of coffee today total =/. It's all good though; I prefer to be up and able to move around. In the post before last, I was talking about my weekend plans and how I was stressing over what I was going to do. Well, It kind of just played out by itself... My boyfriend's father didn't get paid this weekend, so we are postponing our date again , my parents left without me and my sister to go camping, so I can't lacquer the table or go camping (obviously), and I only had to baby-sit last night so I'm free for the rest of tonight and tomorrow. I definitely need more coffee! Remember in the last post how I was talking about blowing up on people? Well, I think I've found my problem. I think it's because of all of my stress and the fact that I just can't take anymore. I mean I love my family dearly, but I can only handle a few things at once and it seems like everyone keeps piling everything on me. I also know that most teenagers have these same family related stressors and friend related stressors, and I know that some kids have way more stress packed on them than me, but, personally, I don't see how they do it. I know that some people live day-to-day, in the just-trying-to-get-by sense, but it's horrible to live under such conditions. Us teenagers have so much going on (school, family problems, friend problems, etc, etc…) that some just can't handle it... I may be one of them because of my constant blowing up on people. I mean is it truly natural for a teenager to constantly feel bad about themselves, feel like no one cares, and feel like they’re all alone? I knew (from local gossip) that most, if not all, teenagers feel like no one really, truly, cares for them; but doesn't that seem a bit wrong? I still wonder 'why is that?' late at night when I can't get to bed. You know what's really not funny but sorta is?... After typing on this subject (I don't think I'm done yet, but I'm just trying to type what I feel ;)), I really-truly miss my parents and wish that they were here right now. Actually, typing about this makes me think of my tight-enclosed heart that never lets anyone in. I mean I care for people, I truly do, but I have only had two good friends in my life; and even then, I was never really that close to them. I don't think I have ever told anyone how I truly feel. He he, now thinking about all of this makes me think of my friend that wanted me to tell him what was wrong and I wouldn't =/. It's all right though. I think I will try , at least, to be more out and in-the-open. But, then again, the word 'try' doesn't go all that far. Back on topic: I think that the majority of teenager’s now-days care a bit too much about what others think of them. I do agree that I care what others think of me, but I also don't spend two hours in the morning in the bathroom just putting on make-up. I think that's the reason the U.S. has so much teen suicide attempts. Not only because teens think about what others think about them, but also because all of the stressors that teenagers have to deal with everyday. And that whole 'day-to-day' thing really doesn't help much; because one day, that person is just going to say 'screw-it' and give up on everything that they have... Just to get away from it all. To be completely honest, I, myself, had thought about suicide more than once. Most of the reasons were simply because I wasn't happy (not in a spoiled way either). I was always looking down whenever I passed someone, and I used to always read books to get away from real life. I used to always cry at night, and I used to always give-up on the little things (which started me in on giving-up on the big things too... Like school)... ...That was 'back in the day' though, more or less, around a year ago. Over the past year I have other stresses on me and I don't have enough time to wallow in self-pity. School is my most important aspect in life, right now. Not my boyfriend, appearances (although I still look pretty good ;)), personal matters, etc, etc… I'm just hoping to graduate in the year of 07 and by 09 have a degree in Massage Therapy or Aroma Therapy. Do you think my hopes are too high now? I hope not... LOL. I do have a lot going for me, like most people (teenagers) do. And I am able to accomplish anything I want! :) ...Boy didn't that sound selfish! Like I said before, though, it's all good. I have my hopes for the future, and I have all of my pride in myself, and that’s all I need. Despite this, though, I still do miss my friends a lot :(! But if friends are going to cause me more problems than I can handle, than I'm willing to give them up. I do believe that I will find newer and better friends later on in life. So I'm happy where I am, and where I'm going, in life, with, or without, friends. Anyways, I got to go, because that’s all I can write on this subject, for now anyways. So, Bye!
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
14,May,2004
|
Hey! Ugh, dear Lord help me! This one little girl (my little 5 year old cousin) keeps talking and talking, and I'm sorry but I can only take so much! I could understand if she was a nice little girl, but she is spoiled out of her mind! Her mom does everything for her so she always wants to go play, or talk, or complain. I can only do my best to discipline her a little before I go totally insane, but she is permanently spoiled, I swear! I want to just slap her sometimes because of the way she disrespects her mom, my sister, my parents, and me... I even did once (not hard of course, she's only a little girl so I can't actually make her cry :( ) but she just gave me an evil glare, turned around, and skipped off and went to her mommy for some ice cream. Even right now (because she isn't able to read) the exact quote that just came out of her mouth was 'Mommy, what does it say? ... What does it say ? Tell me now! What does it say?' And now she is crying and yelling at her mom because she doesn't have a coloring book. Ohh, my god, it makes me soo mad when someone disrespects their elders that much! I can understand since she is just a little girl, but she and her mom are living with us and I can't see how she can't be grateful? Are all kids this way?? ...Or is this little girl special exception that needs to be disciplined? I'm just glad that my folks aren't here this weekend... I mean I would have been yelled at for yelling at my cousin, massively. But I wish my parents were here also because dad can call our ISP and see what is going on with my computer (it connects to the internet but it won't receive any signal). Although I'm kind of mad at my parents to, though, because they went camping without me. I know that they deserve some time to themselves, but they told me that the family would be able to go camping this weekend, but instead, yesterday (Friday) they told me that only they and my moms friend were going camping. Lately, it seems like; I have been blowing up on everyone. I mean it might just be me P.M.S.ing or something, but I just get so stressed out that I usually end up fighting with everyone and just blowing up. On a peaceful note, I'm at home enjoying the clouds right now :). I have my trustful dog sitting right next to me, and I am doing a mighty-fine job of blocking my cousin's words from my ears. I love being able to tune things out! :D Another plus is that I just got back from the store and I have my coffee right here with me :). I love the Frappuccino® coffee's that they have out. Caramel is the best, but the store was out of that, so I had to go for second best (which I don't mind :)) Mocha. Ahh, life is good ! LOL. Anyways, I’m going to go try to add some new stuff to this site ( :) like the pools? Neat huh?), so Bye!
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
14,May,2004
|
Hey! Right now I have a massive headache! Oww... Anyways I think the reason why I have this headache now is because I have been debating like all week on what will be my weekend plans. I mean I have camping that I want to go do with my family, I have the movies that I want to go to with my boyfriend, I have babysitting that I have to do today for my sister, I have a table to finish at home for the camper, and I have a Computer Club Game Day that I have really been looking forward to for the past three weeks. I know that I can put off lacquering the table or going to the movies, but my boyfriend will get mad at me if I ask him if we can postpone our date again . The table really isn't that important though, just as long as I have it don't by next week. But I can't put off babysitting because my sister really wants to go out with her boyfriend and I can understand why; it's hard to raise a child when your still a child yourself. And I can’t put off Game Day because it's my only chance to get out and have fun (and I'm sorry but it's not fun when you are trying to not fall asleep during a movie because your boyfriend is there). And If I don't get out to have just a little bit of fun I swear I will explode! Dad said though that on payday sometime he will give me a few dollars to go do whatever I want. I'm also looking forward to that. Anyways, I was talking to one of my friends last night and we were talking about letting our feelings out. He was having a bad day (well week/ year =/) and he told me all about it. Then, afterwards, we were talking about how I should let loose and tell him my feelings. I would have, to, if I actually talked about my feelings. I prefer to keep my problems to myself. I don't know why, it's just the way I am. I would like to tell the world about my horrible days (when I have one) and just complain and complain until all of the weight was off of my shoulders, but I can't. I have never been able to, and I don't intend on trying anymore. I gave up a long time ago. Anyways enough of that… I would like to go talk to him again. Just to argue a little bit more with him ;). LOL, its all good, though… Anyways, I got to go, so Bye!
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
12,May,2004
|
Hey! Right now I'm in Mr. Gary's class once again... Everyone is talking about shooting themselves if like something happened. Like just a little while ago the class was talking about the 'Mr. Perfect' award that is going to be given out in a few weeks. This one guy that is a possible winner for the 'Mr. Perfect' award is bisexual so some of the girls in this class are talking about how they would shoot themselves if he won. I really don't see how some of them can be so immature. I mean, I see how some people can be against bisexuals or 'gay' people, but saying things like that in class is totally inappropriate and their opinion should have been kept to themselves. I don't mean to be rude towards people that are against bisexual people, and I'm all for them having their opinion, it's just that they didn't need to go that far. I am, personally, all for 'gay' and bisexual people. That is their choice and none of my business. I don't think badly about people like that. I actually have some good friends that are 'gay'. If you'd notice the quotations, and are wondering why I am putting them there; the answer to that question is simply because, gay's original meaning was “happy”. Not bisexual or anything related. To me, this is the perfect term for liking the same sex though because if you found the one you want, same sex or not, then you must be truly happy, or at least happier than you were before. Anyways, this is all for today... I got to go. Bye!
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
11,May,2004
|
Hey! Right now I'm in 3rd period computer applications. Everyone is talking about how our teacher should sing to us. Its weird, he said that he has a good voice and yet he wont sing =/. That's alright though. I don't want him to sing if he sings to the music that he is playing now =/. Over the past few days I have been babysitting. That is mostly what my day consists of now days. School, babysitting, and sleep. I barely have time to fit in sleeping! It's just getting bad, though, because my mom will say that she will baby sit for my sister, then she pushes it off on to me. But don't take it in a bad way. I love my little niece, but it's just that I can't do everything that I want to. I guess I can't always have my way though. And I don't really mind about that...I didn't have much of a life before...LOL. It's all good though, I like having a little one around the house. Despite the dirty diapers, I love babysitting. Anyways, I got to go, so I will write back later! Bye!
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
06,May,2004
|
Hey! Right now I am at school...Like always, but still. My friendship with my best friend is over :(, so I am unhappy about that. But I guess it is all good, a lot of people just tell me that it is 'just a High School thing' and that we will eventually continue being friends after I stop being mad at her. I don't know though, I mean we are talking and everything, it's just that I don't trust her and I don't consider her as one of my good friends anymore. It just that she keeps putting her boyfriend before me. I'm not the type of person that would really care if one of my friends has a boyfriend, but it is when they think a relationship that doesn't have the potential to last is more important than a friendship that was so strong that we were never seen apart from one another. Anyways, I have been doing good with my boyfriend, I guess. He seems to follow me around like a little puppy =/. Do all younger men do that?? He is nice though, and I like him. But I am used to the mature older guys, not the immature younger guys so I feel a little uncomfortable at times in the relationship. Anyways I have to go present a Power-Point presentation so I will talk to you later... Bye!
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
29,June,2004
|
This poem has nothing what so ever to do with my life, but it just hit me all of a sudden and I wrote it down. It's not great or anything, but it has several meanings, despite the obvious, that makes me read it over and over. Abusive Relationship, Broken Heart Sit Sit, he said Sit Stop Stop screaming, he said Stop Kiss Kiss it, he said Kiss Cry Cry for life, he said Cry Stab wounds Knots Ties Spots Lay Lay still he said Lay Tear Tear my heart not, he said Tear Help Help wont come, he said Help Sob Sob and you will hurt more, he said Sob Stab wounds through the heart Knots muffling cries Ties holding her in place Spots of blood to pay for the lies
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
28,June,2004
|
Hey... Right now I'm listening to music and trying to forget the unforgettable headache that I have now. I wish that I have some Aspirin to calm the headache but it's no biggie. I can't help but to think about everything that has gone wrong, there is so much that I can't handle it. It's hard for us right now but it some of it should have been prevented by people thinking things through. For example, my parents bought a new computer to replace the one that should have lasted until we could afford a new one. But my parents couldn't resist the high-speed machine that sent us soaring into debt. Like we weren’t before, but now my parents are high-strung and really tired of everything. Mom also got cable T.V. for the house and that’s a lot of extra money that we don't have. She says that the only thing that she does after work is watch T.V. so she deserves to have at least a few good channels. I agree that I like to have a few more channels to watch every now and then, but I also love to have food to eat and a carefree attitude sometimes. I like to be able to have the money to save up, not have to spend it on my own food and clothes that my parents can't afford to buy for me. I like the responsibility, though. But having to hold myself up some of the time has made me not want to take my parents money at all so I can live on my own all of the time. It's an awesome feeling to be able to keep yourself fed and clothed without anyone else's help. It's going to suck next month, though, because my birthday is coming up and my parents are going to give me fifty dollars as a gift. But I don't want the money; I mean I need it for clothes and other things that my supply of is quickly deteriorating. Some of the clothes that I am wearing I have been wearing for the past two years, and I still wear some of the clothes that my parents bought for me years ago. But a good portion of my clothing has been handed down to me or has been giving to me from one of my old friends. I'm grateful for what I have, though. After having to survive off of other peoples' clothes, I get irritated easily when people say that all of their clothes are old and they need more because they have worn the same outfit twice within the last month. It bugs the crap out of me when people say they need more shoes when they have enough to last me about ten years. Seriously though, I know a lot of people that wear a new pair of shoes to school every single day, so I must seem like a dirt bag to them since I only had one pair of (fifteen dollar) shoes to last me the whole year. But then again, I'm glad that those people don't have to worry about debt like I do. It's weird, a lot of people tell me that I shouldn't worry about money because I'm only fifteen and I will want to live off of someone else as long as I can before having to face the real world. I love to have others carry my weight, sure, but I can't just live off of people my whole life. What fun would that be, knowing that someone else has to worry about everything for you? What would be the point? Eventually they will want you to get off their backs so they could live a debt-free life and you would be dumped into harsh reality with no experience on how to run your life because you're not used to it. Anyways I got to go because someone is talking to me on the phone so Bye!
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
23,June,2004
|
This is making me mad. I feel like my whole reputation is ruined! Okay, I'll start off from the beginning: For the last two days I have been spending the night over at M.'s house (my ex boyfriends' sister). We were having a great time and talking and everything. I came home today because I needed more clothes because we were planning on going swimming at a lake and all my clothes were dirty. M. was supposed to come over to my house to get me so we could go, and when she didn't I called her house. One of her roommates started yelling at me and telling me that I stole M.'s cell phone! I was dumbfounded at first because I had never stole anything in my life (and most people know this) but all of a sudden I'm being accused of stealing cell-phones! I feel hurt now that someone, who could have possibly been a good friend of mine, thought I was stealing from her. I stayed home, after that, and just thought about everything. I even told my sister about it and my sister couldn't believe it either because my sister knows that I would never steal. I still feel hurt, though, because when mom came home after work, she came up to my room (to where I was at the time) and asked if she could see the cell-phone that I stole from M. I don't care if mom was just joking, or even if she wasn't. She should know me more than that, whether I talk to her or not. I would never steal and she knows that. Or should, at least. I don't know. Maybe she does think I steal from other people, but (you would think) she would at least stick up for me. God, I'm so confused! Why would people think so low of me? I never did anything wrong! I could imagine that they would look at the person that I am instead of pointing the finger at me, saying that I took it. I feel like crap now that everyone (besides my sister, thank god) thinks that I'm stealing. It sucks feeling like someone will always have something against you because they think you are untruthful. Hopefully she will find it soon, because it's killing me to think that this misplacement is ruining me.
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
17,June,2004
|
Hey... My sister and I just got into another fight. It was the first time that I had actually talked to her in a few days too... What a way to start off talking again, huh? I mean it wouldn't be so bad, but it was over something so stupid. She started freaking out on me because I told her that mom bought the Pop-Tarts that we had up in the cupboard for our little nieces that were going camping with us this weekend; so she totally freaked out on me! She started yelling at me and saying that I have no right to tell her what she can't eat because she is older than me... How retarded is that?? Just because you're older doesn't mean that you are wiser... Besides, my older sister (not the one that freaked out on me, but the one that is the mother to our nieces) doesn't have any money. Right now she is desperately trying to find a good place to live under $400 per month because that’s all she has. She can't afford to bring her own food camping, heck, she can barely afford to take the day off in order to come camping with us. My sister (the one who freaked out on me) doesn't even realize that my (older) sister can't hold herself up and needs every little food particle that she can get to feed her ( three ) children who are growing up fast and need all of the nutrition that they can get. Does anyone see where I'm coming from on this point?? I mean, yes, I am younger so I don't know everything that an adult does, but I'm smart enough to figure out that children need food more than her. Besides, my (freak out) sister says that she is 'trying' to go on a diet... And that she wants to loose all of the fat that having a child caused her to gain. Well, eating Pop-Tarts isn't apart of that diet! Another thing that really makes me mad is that she is using her boyfriend now. I don't mean 'using' as in she is taking everything that he has because she can... And in a way, I do mean that. She keeps telling him to do everything for her. And I mean everything . There is rarely a time when I see her pick up her child and feed her or play with her. I always see her boyfriend making the bottles, doing her dishes, cleaning up after her, and playing with her child. I (personally) think that he is just with her because he loves the baby so much. I don't think that he will be with her for much longer if she keeps treating him this way, though. Everyday she thinks that he is cheating on her, or he does something wrong so she gets really mad at him. Mom even sometimes has to take the baby for a little while so my sister’s boyfriend could take a break and eat or something. It makes me sad to know that her baby will grow up with an uncaring mother. In my own opinion, I think my sister only loves her child because she is her mother. Not because she wants her as a child. I do admit that my sister has been through a lot though. But ALL of it she put herself through it. It was never anyone else's fault that she ran off and got herself pregnant. It was never anyone else's fault that she was raped and beaten on her little ‘run away from home journey’. It was her choice the whole time and if she is too immature to figure out this, than she needs to figure out a way to grow up; because, truthfully, she is still a child body, mind, and soul wise, whether she likes it or not. That’s all I have to say, so goodnight.
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
16,June,2004
|
Hey... It's been awhile... Anyways I wrote a poem: Untitled W ishful thinking, H opes and dream; D on’t take them away from me. I need to know T hat you will eventually H ead out the door, S ay good-bye, and leave. T he stress is S omething so big, I can’t even say; S ometimes I wish you W ould have left yesterday. I need my S pace, W hy can’t you see? I can’t H andle Y ou here with me. I t’s amazing H ow everything S eemed to S ing. B ut that was B efore you came. N ow everything S eems so lame. I t’s a wonder why N obody likes you A nd your petty little pouts T his is why we get angry A nd why we scream and shout. I hate you with a P assion A ll of you, and your F ashion. E verything seemed so R ight W hen you weren’t there A t night.
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
10,June,2004
|
Hey... Today was a good day. I didn't have any bad thoughts or do any bad things. I had a minor headache but all my teachers also had one so they kept all f the kids quite and mine didn't get the chance to grow during school because of it. Then I step into my house. My sister right off the bat makes me angry by not giving me my bus pass back. I would like to get some use out of it during the day, but she lets her friends borrow it for the night, then she doesn't get it back. Everyday my ex's sister wants me to ride the bus home with her so we can get here early to finish up with any homework before she has to go home, but I don't have any money (no, not even fifty cents) to get home. If we just walked we would reach my house right as soon as she would have to leave for her bus. It sucks that I can't rely on any of my friends, but now it's getting to the point to where I don't even rely on my sister anymore. Anyways, on with why my head is throbbing... So anyways, I took a nice, long, hot, shower to make myself feel better, and it was actually working too until my dad came home. I didn't see him until my mom came home and told me dinner was ready. As soon as I walked into the kitchen he started cursing at me for not making him some Kool-Aid. I couldn't believe it! Who would yell at another person just for not making them a retarded soft drink? Anyways, I just wanted to give you an update on the headache that I've had for the past five days. Now I'm anticipating a nice, long, freezing cold air, walk down by the bay to see if it would make me less angry. Bye!
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
09,June,2004
|
Hey... These are the nots that I was talking about in the last few posts... The ones that I never got around to putting on here... Friends & Darkness Hey… Right now I’m in second period Physical Education and writing this on a piece of paper. I will transfer this over onto computer later. Anyways, I received a note from one of my old friends that I sort of still talk to, and she reminded me of all the good times that we had shared over the course of the year. I don’t see why all of my friendships have to end like this. It doesn’t make since that everyone has someone to talk to and yet I’m all alone. I don’t even know how many posts I have written on my previous friendships. Now I’m in fourth period, Pre-Algebra, but I will continue off of the previous topic and branch off from there to say what I have to. I don’t mind being on my own most of the time, but some of the time I would like to tell all of my secrets. I miss being able to go over to a friends’ house and have no problem rummaging through their fridge. I like having someone else’s house to go to when I’m happy, sad, mad, or even bored. Is it right for me to miss a friend that turned their back on me when I did nothing wrong? I miss her, though. Why, I don’t know. But I do. I think missing an old friend is like missing a passed-away pet… Despite how much you love them, you can never get them back unless a miracle happens. Oh, I wish I believed in miracles and one would occur for me; but hey, I don’t believe in them anymore, so that is the point of hoping for our friendship to come back alive and the way it was? Most of what I believe in now has to do with heartbreaks and blackness. Over the years I have turned into a very dark person. I enjoy pain… I can’t handle the wants and needs of a normal humane being. I feel like I no longer have any right to feel the wants and needs of normal people. What’s the point of trying to be normal when nobody is going to take the time to care? I mean, I don’t expect people to only pay attention to me… But sometimes I wish they would show me the courtesy of a little attention for all that I have given them. But anyways, I’m going to go, so bye! Just Darkness Hey… I just came into sixth period a little while ago. I figured I had nothing better to do, and a few things to say, so I might as well write them down so I remember. You know how I said before, how I was a very dark person? Well, I have been thinking about that. It is true, no doubt, but I believe I am a sweeter sort of darkness; like a dark room that only has one lamp, and over the lamp is a silk red cloth so only the dull, soft, red glow can be seen. Does that make any since? It’s like me, though, because the darkness has a power to override that soft red undertone. You would never think of any of this if you saw me, but I guess you could say I have multiple personalities because there is a completely different person lurking inside of me that absolutely nobody knows about, except for a few, select, people. My fears are still the same, but my heart is only big enough for one personality. Lucky for people, this is the personality that people actually get to see. But, even then, my heart is filled with more dread than love. But anyways, the bell is going to ring so I’ll see when I do. Anyways, this is all I have for you. For now. So, Bye!
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
08,June,2004
|
Hey... Tonight I lost it. I can't take this anymore. My parents started directing their anger towards me. I mean I didn't yell or anything, just agree with whatever they said in hope that they would just leave me alone. I'm not going to post what I wrote today, though, I feel so crappy that I barely have the energy to write this. I can barely look up long enough to see what I have typed. I feel like all of my dignity had been shredded right in my own room... my sanctuary as some people would say. I actually shed some tears tonight. The ones that I never want to shed because it would show how weak I really am. I just feel like laying in a coffin and being buried along with my pride... What I have left anyway. My parents don't even realize the position that they put me in. Our house is full of lies and deceit; so what I know from my sister, I can't tell my parents, and what I know from my parents, I can't tell my sister. And yet, here I am right in the middle, trying to carry the weight of all of this crap without falling and letting everyone down. Well I tell you now; I can't bear this weight. I can't hold up this family when I was the last to be born in it. I don't care if everyone else tells lies and hurts everyone. I've worried enough about them when am I ever going to be able to concentrate on me ? Even now, letting all of this out, is too much to bear. Tears are being shed while pride and dignity is shred. I hate this! I hate everyone! And I can't deal with everyone else’s crap . I just want to be by myself and be on my own. I have enough going through my mind without everyone else’s burdens hanging over my head. Those thoughts that I keep thinking about... you know, the bad thoughts... I keep thinking of them over and over. I don't want to, but how can I not when everyone else just makes it so life is unbearable? Or maybe it's me? Is it me? Am I really that immature to where I have thoughts of suicide over little petty problems?? Is it just because I'm a teenager and I don't know any better ?? Right now I can imagine a knife piercing my wrists. Blood looks so welcoming and pure. Screw this, if people want to get the satisfaction of seeing me bleed to death then they can jump inside of my closed, cold, little heart and watch the blood pour through the gaping wounds. Any physical wounds that I have happen to me will be the body piercing that I will get when I move out. Those, and the tattoo that I want. But, I tell you this, if anyone pushes me any further I will blow again, and next time it won't be just my tears that are shedding. Goodnight.
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
07,June,2004
|
Hey... I have two little notes that I wrote today that I wanted to post on here. I will get to that later, but for right now, I will talk about my day. It has been a long day. And how can it not be, with summer so close. Some kids are already out. Most Seniors are, but I'm still lower class so I don't get that privilege. Right now is kind of weird, though. Everyone is yelling and slamming doors like always. It all seems to be towards my sister to. Oh god I'm going to blow. I don't mind when my parent’s yell, but when they yell in front of my little niece that I get very angry... I can't stand this!! Every other word that comes out of my dad's mouth is a cuss-word right in front of the baby. I have herd all of this crap my whole life and I wont stand it being yelled while she is the room. I just came from downstairs. While I was down there, they were yelling at my sister in the kitchen so loud that I had to shake the baby-rattle twice as hard just to drown it out. Even that didn't work, but it kept the baby happy while her mom was getting cussed out. Then they all came out into the living room where the baby and mey were at! I couldn't believe it! At first they were semi-quiet, then they started there yelling and cursing wars again! I got so angry that I started shaking and I had to get out of there. I couldn't yell at them, what good would that do? Make them angrier and start yelling at me? That would be twice as worse for the baby. So I left quietly and hoped that they stopped yelling. Now the wars have quieted down a little. I can still hear my parents cursing foul words in their room, but at least it's not where the baby can hear. I do see where my parents are coming from though. My sister only attended 56 minutes of school out of the required 8 hours. Anyways I'm going to post my writings later... For now I'm going for a walk.
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
07,June,2004
|
Hey... It's been awhile... A few days, anyways. Today my mom's friend came over and let me borrow her Puddle of Mud c.d. that she had. I was happy about that but soon I got into a real sad mood. Duffstifer (I'm not going to tell her real name unless she gives me an okay, but this is a nick-name for her) is pregnant but she is really cool. I can see why mom likes her as a friend. Duffstifer is always the highlight to a party, whenever her hubby lets her out. But today I saw her and mom sitting out on the porch, just chatting away in private about things. I miss having someone that I can talk to like that. I mean I can say almost anything here, but notice that almost in there? There are a few way-to-personal things that I don't want my parents finding out about me, or else I would say it no problem. But since my parents have access to this web page, I'm not going to go there. I'm sort of mad at my parents now. They are planning another trip without my sister or me. This whole summer I'm going to be on my own, again , because they want some 'alone-time'... Which I don't mind, don't get me wrong, but how much do they need? Sometimes I have to wait all day for one of them to recognize that I'm here and living. Sometimes dad pops in and says hi to me, but he does that for everyone. I can only remember one time that he had ever really just sat down with me and talked. That was the time that I lost my best friend so I'm grateful that he listened to me then. I guess it's all right, though, if they leave me alone enough now, what harm could it do? I've already been on my own for the better part of two years. It's all good because, hey, won’t this just be helping me in the future to where I have no friends and my whole life revolves around a job and (someday far, far away) Kids? To help me prepare for the loneliness in the upcoming years? ...Like I said, it's all good; besides, fun and games were for kids, right? Well I'm going to go because I'm depressed again. Leave me alone and go away.
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
05,June,2004
|
Hey... I just got home from my walk, but nothing really interesting came to mind while I was walking except for one thing; on here (my last post) I only put mom as a reason why I was confused, but the truth is, it wasn't only her... It was my sister doing another one of her 'I'm better than you so when you talk to me, I'm going to treat you like crap' trips. Mom just came up because she started me in the bad mood last night, but it was actually my sister who made me the angriest. But anyways, that’s all I'm going to put for now because I have a huge headache and I want to lay down... So Bye...
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
04,June,2004
|
Hey... Today just started and it's already ended up bad. I can't do anything in this house without getting yelled at. Last night mom started this by yelling at me for playing my music. I don't understand why she just can't eave me be. I don't understand why a lot of people can't just leave me alone. I'm tired of the fact that I can't care about anything without getting yelled at because everyone else has different opinions then me. It sucks to be born and raised in a house where you can't be yourself. I can't tell my parents anything because they don't approve. I just keep it all bottled up inside, waiting to burst... Wanting to burst... But I can't do that either, because everyone will end up mad right back at me. Can you imagine a lifestyle to where you feel like a robot because you don't, can't , have a opinion, and when you do, your just this little person so no one will listen anyways. I don't see why people have to be treated this way. All caged up and never really gets to explore or go out. I can't stand living here just because people really don't give a crap about me and when they do, wow , what a way they show it! I can't even remember the last time my parents told me that they loved me... How sad is that? Once again, everyone has gotten the better of me. I mean, here I am swimming in my own tears just because I care about other people caring about me. God, I'm so confused... All I want is to be left alone. I think I'm going to go for a walk in a bit. I don't think I will last much longer if I stay in this box . No, I'm going to go now ... I'm not going to take my paper, if I think of anything worthwhile, and then I will remember enough to write down later... bye.
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
04,June,2004
|
Hey… Right now I’m in second period, sitting out from P.E. I hate this class so much! My teacher is a pervert and needs to not be teaching P.E. because he makes all of the girls uncomfortable. Anyways I haven’t been having the greatest of days today and I don’t think that there is any chance of today getting any better either. But tonight is Relay For Life and I’m excited about going to that. It has been a tradition for my sister and my mom to go to that every year. In order for me to be able to go, one of them has to stay at home… I just now realized that. Now I’m not so excited to go and I think I will stay home… What’s the point of going if your just going to feel bad the whole time because someone else had to stay home while your out having fun? I don’t understand why my family doesn’t have any traditions with me included. They never do anything with me and when they do include me in (which doesn’t happen very often) they always make me feel bad because someone is always left at home. I wonder if my parents ever realize that them and I never do anything together. The only thing that my mom and I had ever done was her giving birth to me. Anything else, I was just tagging along. I remember that over last summer I remember always going for bike rides and sometimes my parents would tag along, but now, we never go anymore. Besides the only reason why they went with me was because they thought I was lonely (I think, anyways). Our family used to go on vacations all the time also, but now we never go and it’s not the same as a “tradition” because I still felt like I was tagging along. Anyways I’m going to get off that topic because it’s rather depressing, but I doubt my next topic will be any better. Last night when I went on my walk (which is quickly becoming a nightly thing) I walked past these three boys that were playing out in a field next to the bay. They were all acting like perfect angels until I started walking past. They stopped playing and one of them yelled over to me “Hey, for $10 I will let you suck…” I’m just going to leave it at that because I don’t think my parents would appreciate it if I continued on. But these kids were only like seven years old! I mean can you imagine a little seven year old ask you to perform sexual favors for him? This all got me to thinking about yesterday’s post and how I was talking about parents not knowing what world their children will grow up in. It’s pretty pathetic that most people can answer ‘yes’ to the question that I asked above. I mean, I’m used to it because half of the people I know are like anywhere from six to thirty-eight pot smokers. Could you imagine a six year old marijuana smoker? Anyways I got to go because... Well I can't think of anything else to type, so, Bye!
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
|
Cancer
|
03,June,2004
|
Hey… Right now I’m in fifth period and I’m writing this on a piece of paper first (as a rough copy because I don’t have a computer handy right now…). Right now I’m in my Civics class and I can hardly believe that earlier in the semester we were talking about not putting others down. About three minutes ago the teacher was making fun of some students in the class. I mean it was funny at the time, but now you can see the hurt in their faces. One of the popular girls in school that I see a lot always seems to have a smile on until she comes into this classroom and gets picked on by the teacher. Even now he (the teacher) is making fun of one of the shorter people in the class. Here in Civics class we are talking about our personal platforms, or what we believe in and who we are. I don’t know who I am yet, or what I believe in, all I know is that I know that I’m myself and that, right now, I fully believe in myself. My teacher makes a very good point on September 11th though. When 9/11 happened, the whole country changed its point of view. We can’t stop people from strapping bombs to themselves and going out and blowing up a building. We can’t stop other terrorist attacks because we don’t know when they are going to happen. Before 9/11 we were never afraid of going on a plain because we thought someone might take over the plain and send us crashing into a building. But now that something bad has happened, we proceed with caution and careful decisions. Most parents worry about what type of world we (us children) will grow up into. I couldn’t agree more. I mean I don’t know when the next terrorist attack will happen, but I know that it will happen. When I think about us not being able to stop these terrorists, I get this mental picture in my head of all of the houses, schools, businesses, and buildings up in flames and the whole country, the whole world, dark. I can imagine how only the toughest of people, or the luckiest, will survive. I find it pretty sad that our world might just turn out like that one day if we keep resorting to violence in order to settle our differences. …Hold on, got to switch classes… …Okay, pencil sharpened and I’m in my next class. I’m going to get off the other topic now because if I continue on then I will be writing about war all day. Anyways, right now I’m in English class and we are supposed to be reading The Hobbit. I really hate that book! I don’t even know why it’s a required book. I mean; the only reason why it is required is because the teacher likes it, but just because he does, doesn’t mean that the rest of the class will as well! I personally hate it so much that I stopped reading at chapter two. It really doesn’t matter anyways because no matter what I do in English, I could never get my grade passing before the end of the year. English has to be one of the hardest classes that I have ever taken because my teacher doesn’t give us any other chances to make up our grade so if we fail something, the only direction that our grade could go is down. Heh, okay I’m getting off of that topic… You know what is sort-of funny? One of my old friends tried to be taller than me today so she wore these huge high-healed shoes. She came up to me and told me to stand next to her so she could see if she was taller than me. When I stood next to her she was still about 3 inches shorter than I was. I felt better than I initially did, but I tried not to make her feel bad because I know how it can be when someone really tall walks past and it makes you feel short. I hope she doesn’t feel too bad… I wonder if anyone else had cared for me as much as I care for other people. I mean, I don’t care for others as much as I should, but I care a lot more than most people now days, which doesn’t say all that much for the people that are living n this world, or at least the vast majority of the people anyways. I would do almost anything for a friend though. I don’t ever remember having a true friend that I could just talk to, you know? I mean, most people that were my friends just saw how (somewhat) caring/nice I am and latched on for a free ride while I was stuck carrying all of their weight. I mean, I don’t mind carrying other people’s weight and talking to them about their problems, but its just when they are just using me to make themselves feel better and not giving one hint of gratitude in return, that I start to get fed up with it and push them away. It seems like the one good friend that I had wouldn’t open up at all so we drifted apart that way. It’s weird how that works, huh? Anyways I’m going to get off that topic because it’s rather depressing. But I’m going to go type this up at home so you can read it (like you are now), so, Bye!
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
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Cancer
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01,June,2004
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Hey! Yesterday was a weird day. I had mood swings massively! I mean I was everywhere from the depths of depression to the highlights of happiness... It was crazy! But yesterday was both interesting and fun. I went on a walk around the bay again. I started thinking of some really good thoughts that I would love to put on here. I mean I couldn't of thought of anything better. I think next time I go out there, I'm going to take a pad of paper with me and jot down my thoughts. I would be out there forever if I was to do that though! It's all-good, I like it out there, its nice and quiet. Yesterday I started paying with my cousin too. I think she is the most spoiled child in the entire word, but she was pretty cool to hang out with. Yesterday I was also thinking of things like how lonely I was and how much of an outcast I feel like. But I figured that I will eventually make myself better and I will eventually find friends that I would fit in with... I'm hoping to find those friends next year in the other school that I want to go to. My sister and I have been talking lately about her relationship with the people that she likes. I realize that I have it worse than I initially thought. She is unable to see what she has going for her and how much she needs schooling, but she doesn't care. I don't think she has gone to school in a long time and without schooling, she isn't going to be able to support herself and her child very well. I hope I don't ever lower myself to the point to where I'm making the life of my future child difficult. I hope to at least to be fully on my feet by the time I settle down. I don't plan on being on my feet right-off-the-bat, so I don't think I will have a baby until I'm well over 25. I hope my future baby will be happy enough to succeed in this world also. Anyways, yesterday I was comparing life to a telephone pole... (I know it sounds weird, but just read and maybe you will get it)... Anyways, I was thinking that there are only so many positions at top. Like on a telephone pole, there are only so many notches that you can stand on up at top. In life, you need to climb your way up, and same if to where you wanted to climb up the telephone pole. It all sounds very corny, I know, but it was just what popped in my head at the time. Yesterday I was also thinking of my 'meal-lists,' I figure, there is nothing wrong with what I eat... I will still limit myself of course, but I'm not going to reduce myself to having to tell myself everyday of the things I eat. I mean, if I eat something, I just feel bad, so I'm not going to use that as another way to put myself down. Anyways, I got to go... The bell is going to ring pretty soon. Bye!
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
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Cancer
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01,June,2004
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Hey! Oh I can't wait! Mom said that she is considering letting me go to the other school that I want to go to! Isn't that great? If you would of seen me earlier today you would think that I was the living-dead, Hickville style, but I can't stop smiling now! This just may be my one chance to actually fit in! It’s hard to think that my parents will actually let me do something like this... I mean they (act like) they don't like change and like they don't want me to experience change because I have lived in the same town all my life, in the same house, and had my whole school life planned out from day one. It feels so good knowing that I will finally be able to experience a little change! Anyways I just wanted to share the good news! Now I think I'm going to go back to reading my book... LOL... Bye!
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
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Cancer
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01,June,2004
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Hey... I just got home a little while ago from school and throughout the day I had read almost two hundred pages in that book! I haven't read a book this fast since last summer when I was all about reading everyday. I defiantly recommend this book to anyone, though. Especially if you like graphic stories. Anyways, off of that topic, I was looking at myself lately in the mirror and I remember how I used to think that I was one of the most ugliest people alive, but now I realize that I am quite pretty. I'm not trying to brag or anything, but it is a good thing to like the body that you are in, and it is lovely to be able to improve on your personality because you don't feel like your looks are holding you back. And I don't feel like my looks are holding me back anymore to where I couldn't even look straightforward when I walked. Now I feel like I don't have to worry because the only reason why people look at me in one of that 'ugly' sort of way is because they just don't like me... Not because of my looks. But, I have to admit, not a lot of people give me those types of looks anymore. Or maybe it was that I just stopped caring what they thought of me? Anyways, getting away from that topic also, I have stopped wanting a boyfriend lately, and I'm not interested in looking for one. There are a few guys that I like (like Craig or Joe or Rob or Sean... okay, maybe more than a few guys...) but I don't really care if they care enough for me to go out with me. Most of them are older anyways, a little to old for someone as young as me... But some of them (well all of them) are really hot so you can't blame me for liking them... Anyways, I was saying that I didn't care if I had a boyfriend or not... And truthfully, I don't care anymore. Boyfriends just seem to bring me down more... I have never actually had a boyfriend that tried to make me happy, and I don't believe that there is a guy for me in Grays Harbor (the county that I live in). That’s one of the things that I will search for if I ever move out if this state. But I'm not worried about that, either. I will find the right one when he comes along. But anyways, I'm going to go because I want to finish this book so, Bye! Today I ate: 1 Fun Size Milky Way candy bar 1 home-made burrito
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3,172,688 |
female
| 16 |
Education
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Cancer
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01,June,2004
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Hey... Today I started reading this one book that one of my friends gave to me. It's called Go Ask Alice and it's a real diary by an anonymous author (Alice). It's about this one girl (Alice) who wants to fit in. She meets someone in her old school that asks her to come to an 'autograph party' and gets her started on drugs. I can't believe how descriptive the book is although I'm only on page thirty-six. Anyways I'm at school right now and nothing interesting is happening so I'm going to go and I will write back later when I am at home. Bye!
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4,255,604 |
male
| 14 |
Student
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Leo
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24,March,2004
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For the first time, I think Exun has been made an official school body. Along with the appointments for 2004-05, yesterday the Exun appointments were also announced. We'll be having dual-Presidency this year with me and Maanick. The third official post is that of 'Head of Programming' and Prateek Rungta is taking it up. Of course, everyone isn't happy with this decision. It's also not all that good for us. I wanted to be a member of the Editorial Board, but now that Exun is an appointment and one person can have only one post, that will never happen. Also, urlLink some alumni don't like the idea of Exun becoming official. It has its advantages and disadvantages, but I hope it's all for the best. Cheerio --Karan
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4,255,604 |
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Leo
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22,March,2004
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Manx aka Manke aka Murphy aka Male Chauvinst Pig gives his rashing-dashing touch to this Blog.
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4,255,604 |
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Leo
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17,March,2004
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For the known and unknown, ..-=W=-.. -w-as here. -=-=- ankit 'W'
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4,255,604 |
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| 14 |
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Leo
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16,March,2004
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OK, I think a little explanation is in order for the theme of the log right now. It will be overhauled, do not worry. --Karan
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4,255,604 |
male
| 14 |
Student
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Leo
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16,March,2004
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Hi Zis is Ze Panda/Aurojit/Panda/ze fat guy who bored u at Exun-Ellite/ze fat guy who sat near ze mac/ze reallllllly fat guy/ze guy who's half crazy/ze guy who is oh so domineering. Umm well Karan's finally acting on one of my older suggestions (I had urlLink actually written abt this sometime back ). Now ze unfortunate fact of life is zat most of my views r already there on my blog at urlLink thepanda.org (where else, huh!!!).... So u shud read me there.... Ze Panda
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4,255,604 |
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Leo
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16,March,2004
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hello ppl this is the surd of exunclan aka gudi and orignially gursartaj sup y'all
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4,255,604 |
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| 14 |
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Leo
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16,March,2004
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Hello all! Welcome to log e exun - the natural log of exun. --Karan
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4,255,604 |
male
| 14 |
Student
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Leo
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30,April,2004
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hi all exun members just checking weather it works thanks
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4,255,604 |
male
| 14 |
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Leo
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29,April,2004
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Right, this is an easy one. All you have to do is write a program. Here is what it does: The user is given a list of cards which are arranged in columns. He/She must choose a card and keep it in mind. Through repeated shuffling, the program will ask him/her to identify the column in which the card is. In the end the program tells the user his/her card. The cards in the columns are randomly selected into the column, that is, you can't decide the column in which a perticular card goes. WARNING-- I have the source code that's available on the net for this, so don't try to give me gum. ---- Bloodfist out.
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4,255,604 |
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Leo
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29,April,2004
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SpokesBlah Logs On Greetings from your officially unoficial SpokesBlah. I would just like to point out that I'm not planning to sit on my ass and do nothing. I shall, indeed, be quizzing, speaking for exun, and I shall also be assiting in Talent Hunts, along with Presidents Sirs.
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4,255,604 |
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Leo
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29,April,2004
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Let's keep it plain and simple. Most of the members showed up. This log was discussed and the URL was given to all members, and if anyone's smart enough to log on to www.exunclan.com, they'll be able to make their way here. So, anyway, this site serves the following purposes: - Serve the Exun members with news about upcoming events and competitions (including intra-school events and meetings) - It's a place where we will post Quizzing, Programming questions so that Exun members can hone their skills. - Submit Reports like this one for the Exun community (and basically anyone else who cares to read) - A place where any Exun member can post an entry and be heard by everyone else. Comments help to communicate between authors and readers. Apart from that, we announced that each Class (from VIII to XII probably) would be having a Domain Square representative who would be incharge of advertising and promotion for that class. This will help us make Exun kind-of object-oriented and easier to handle, especially in these gaming events in which the participation is large. By object-oriented, I mean to say that each person at his/her level gets his/her duties done and then reports to his/her superior. Just that. The superior shouldn't have to know what the person is doing or how he's doing it. Maanick Nangia discussed his Project Billboard which should see growth over the next few months. Exun made a call for new talent for the group, people who are not only skilled at what they do, but more important, sincere, assiduous and interested. Oh yes, quite an important thing was that member photos got taken and the member list got updated, which shall be reflected on the website soon. Mukesh Sir stressed the importance of the fact that Exun members need to keep interacting with each other, not only for the sake of it, but also in that it gives meaning to the fraternité and everyone learns something or another from someone else. Every Exun member shall be delegated tasks and given deadlines. These tasks and deadlines will be posted on ln(exun). That's all folks --Karan President, I say
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4,255,604 |
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27,April,2004
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Dear Exun Member There will be a meeting of all Exun members on the 29 th of April, 2004 starting at the beginning of Break that day in Computer Lab IV. I'm sure you'll be able to spare a few minutes for the Clan. There will be discussion on many topics including Domain Square, the new Model United Nations Conference, etc. Please be there, and inform any other Exun member you know. --Karan Misra President of the Exun Clan
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4,255,604 |
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Leo
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26,April,2004
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Taadaa!! Exun has a new Post which in formal terms is Spokesperson of Exun but in everyday terms He(He as the person holding the post) is Going to be known as SpokesBLAH!. May I Introduce Bhavya Khanna (The Guy who thinks every Exun Member is a Nutty Computer Geek)as a Formal member of Exun. Bhavya had requested a welcome on the Natural Log of Exun so he has it now.(Booo! Hisss! Who needs him? Boo! Blaaaah!) Bhavya will also be a part of the Quizzing Team. There is also a near Dormant member of Exun. She is from Class XII and she s the 3rd senior programmer. Her Name is Swati Tuteja. She is Welcomed too!
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4,255,604 |
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Leo
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22,April,2004
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All Active Blogging Exun Members should try the Gmail
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4,255,604 |
male
| 14 |
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Leo
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21,April,2004
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Quite sad and sorry. Before I start with the bad, let me start with the good. The MJKPS Band is excellent, no mistaking. Those little kids play really really well. They played the National Anthem so well that it put some patriotism back in me, and I realised that yes, I did know all the words of the National Anthem, which I was muttering under my breath. For those who don't know, I really am not a very patriotic person, and neither am I religious (I'm practical an atheist, an unbeliever). My only event today was the last event, so I had to pass my time in the Pandal watching Senior Declamation, which was good, I must say (it was on Outsourcing and how it's evil), but firstly, it wasn't a Declamation as they promised, but it was actually more of a Debate because some people were for, and some were against the motion, and secondly, all of the speakers (save one) missed two big fat important points (which I don't really want to discuss here) and that was just pathetic. Plus, I could see from their speeches that each of them had typed in 'Outsourcing' into Google and they were all saying exactly the same things and quoting the same figures. That was that. Senior Quiz started a bit late, as expected. The quiz-master was an alumnus of the same school and it was obviously his first quiz (either that, or he's generally pathetic) and he was sweating like hell. This quiz even left Mr. Quizzer Outsourcer dazed (but not speechless). To answer each question, one was given a whopping 5 seconds!! For logic questions, 10 seconds. So, basically most teams weren't able to answer. The rapid fire round was 15 seconds each and at max. one could get three or four questions. Let me cut to the chase, we ended up getting second position. The quiz-master first announced us as the winners, then their scoring software coughed up a hair-ball and suddenly put this stupid school ahead of us by three points. With their Ahlconian attitude (long story about Ahlcon Public School... they disqualified us from the overall trophy for some null reason - basically, people who don't listen to reason), they didn't listen of course. I'm also very doubtful about their home-grown scoring software because it had previously added (right in front of the whole audience) 5+5+10 = 10. We didn't have a chance for the Overall anyway because numerous morons (namely: Gursartaj, Dhruv, Abhishek Suri, Abhisheyk Gaur, Manas Gautam, Mohit Taneja, et al) either didn't show up for this event or they didn't win anything (all but the last name are people who didn't show up because of pathetic reasons and they should be lynched in my humble opinion); hence, I chucked it and walked off carrying a 2nd Position trophy, which is extremely pathetic because I think that in a quiz, one should either bag the event or get nothing. We won Senior Programming !! I am so happy that SP is working out well because I didn't want Exun to lose its forté while I'm in Presidency. I would obviously never want Exun to disregard its crux, but if it ever does, let it not be while I'm, uh, in power . Mr. Azgez went home carrying two first position trophies from his first symposium, which I consider to be quite commendable. --Karan Misra President, Exun We take printouts
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4,255,604 |
male
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Leo
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20,April,2004
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Arrive at Mata Jai Kaur Public School: drum-guy of the marching band wearing the exact same sash as our head boys and head girls - totally ditto, same chatai material, colour, knot and everything. This school calls its computer competition Cyberfest (as you would probably have noticed), but wait, its computer club is called WHIZKIDZ. Next, they don't even have an auditorium; we were seated in a Pandaal , which would be more suited to a langar than a computer competition. The chief guest looked like he was the school's peon, with his chaprasi clothes and simply horrid grammar. We did ourselves the courtesy of not listening to him, and instead munching on our lunch boxes (in my case, of course, munching on other peoples' tiffins). The first event was Senior Quiz Preliminary Round. I was quite pissed off because it started an hour late, and Bhavya was even more pissed off, because after seeing the question paper, he realised that it was all technical. I managed to get sixteen out of twenty questions pucca right, guessed on three and left one. Result : We got the first position in the written preliminaries. The second event was Linux Programming. I've always thought of myself as a seriously pathetic programmer at computer symposia, who couldn't program even to save his life. That changed today. It was Linux programming of course, which means that there's less of logic and more of 'knowledge'. You have to 'know' the arcane commands in Linux. For example, in normal computer languages like C++ and BASIC, 'if' statements are either if...else, if..then..else, or if...then...else...end if, but in Linux, it's if...then...elif...fi. Sorry to geek you people out, but it simply looks stupid. Here's where we prospered. You see, Mr. Azgez (Exun Programmer 2004-05) agreed to learn these arcane commands and so he did, and with efficiency, over the weekend. Hence, we were the only team to actually type something meaningful on the computer. The logic for all the questions was easy, but we couldn't attempt one question due to knowledge and time restraints. Result : Came first Third event was Extemporé. I'm really not good at it. I got a topic like 'Computers have destroyed writing form and expression.' I occupied two minutes of the judges' time and got out. Result : Nothing In totality, both the quizzing teams qualified, no one qualified for extemporé, we bagged Linux but those hapless tenthies and ninethies couldn't win a thing, neither the digital imaging competition (apparently, in which, they lost their file) nor in hardware assembly (in which they put in the CD-ROM drive upside down). --Karan Misra President, Exun
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16,April,2004
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Competition coming up. Please check out urlLink http://www.cyberfest2k4.cjb.net/ for details. Tentative Decisions Senior Quiz Maanick Nangia Karan Misra Abhisheyk Gaur Bhavya Khanna (if he obliges) Gursartaj Singh (backup for Bhavya) Senior Extempore & Declamation Bhavya Khanna Senior Programming Prateek Rungta Nisheeth Sharma Senior Linux Programming (shell scripting) Any takers? Digital Imaging (Jr.) Any two out of: Gursartaj, Abhishek, Dhruv Hardware Assembling (Jr.) Undecided Crack the software (Jr.) Undecided Junior Quiz Akshay, Srajan Second Team: Undecided Junior PowerPoint Undecided Junior Debate Undecided Junior Ad-venture Undecided Registration will be sent in ASAP. Anyone who wants to participate, please contact immediately at [email protected] or [email protected]. --Karan
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4,255,604 |
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Leo
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12,April,2004
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Ahha! Bloodfist has finally been added to one of the busiest clans in our school... lemme give him a briefing ... Exun has now taken the lead in printing documents, producing perfect jackasses and all other sorts of useless stuff. Nevertheless Exun has been appreciated before . I recently met an alumni of our school who was a commercie. She was the Spokeperson of Exun.. Helped in organizing Exun events once or twice... She had only 1 thing to say : 'I had never seen such loyalty of the members in a DPS club.. One comment against the club and all Juniors were ready to Murder you' That was Exun of 1998. Its 2004 now but Exun has actually deteriorated. We have some of the biggest loonies of our school in Exun now. Exun now entering officialdom is now gonna go down even further. Next year is a 'Big Worry'. We have no suitable successor to presidentship (even this year, one of the presidents is a perfect jackass.No prizes for guessing who it is). What shudders me more is that in 2007 Exun will go into the Hands of (Gulp!!) Gursartaj and Gang.. Then i think the club will be fit for dissolution. Exun scaled many heights but now signs of wear and tear are showing. We need a Fresh Approach .. A new Beginning.. We need to do something or else we might go the Intercrap Club Way Thanks for Listening to my crap which is nevertheless important
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4,255,604 |
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Leo
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12,April,2004
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You were expecting maybe Ben Kingsley?? Yes Ladies and Gents, believe it or not after years of deliberations and months of haggling with exun bureaucracy (our hon'able head of programming), I am finally here. They have us going to this cyberfest thingy. We need someone for linux programming and up until now, all the presidents are in agreement. We don't have a linux programmer. So if anyone has any secret skills with linux, you will please disclose them now. Better yet, talk to Rungta (you know, the H.O.P.). Oh and Karan, if you read this, why don't you put up who is doing what (who goes for what event) up here, God knows this blog needs purpose. --Bloodfist out.
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4,255,604 |
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Leo
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12,April,2004
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This log shall have to be make more esoteric as nobody really cares to post on general matters, or at all. Shame on the other President and the other thirty or so members. In the news, the three of us Exun appointees have to go for the March Past just like the rest of them appointees. I wouldn't really mind doing it, because it's not really something that involves a lot of physical exertion or anything, however, it does require me to miss classes, something that I'm vehemently against. Fortunately, the Investiture Ceremony is now in August (assumably on the day of the Independence Day assembly). We did get our badges. I'll probably scan them or take a photo of them and post it on either this log or my blog. They had the option of choosing from a Rs. 20 and a Rs. 25 badge, they however, went for the Rs. 5 badge or so I like to call it. It's plain bad, and looks CHEAP - made of cloth, golden border, sickly green background and Orange text. The school has been getting new PCs recently, and I'm glad to say that Mr. Mukesh has finally got a beautiful black HP PC (though crap config, 2.8 GHz and a paltry 248 MB RAM, 8 MB shared with Video). As expected, I knew he'd be sad because he has to run Windows XP now, and like, Windows 98 is the second love of his life. He never fails to tell me (whenever I touch this topic) that Windows 98 gives you full control while Windows XP and all seem to control you. I'd usually tell him that it's a load of bull and that's what I did today as well. --Karan
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30,May,2004
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Will you teach me what are message boards and forums.At one time i was the most frequent posters at thinkdigit.com/forums and forums.anandtech.com . Also i am a member at blog.chip-india.com and pchardware.com . If you know people post posts for 2 reasons,they want to help the other person out:tell him waht all above mentioned things are wrong or right and be to the point.Secondly it could be to continue with an incomplete conversation,as time passes it doesn't remain a formal post but a 2-3line amedment and conversation or sometimes even joking and not really that rude as i was with Mohit.
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28,May,2004
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Ideas Invited for Exun 2004 Please give ideas for Exun 2004 1. Delhi - Around Delhi Symposium OR National OR International 2. On Spot Competitions OR Online (internet based) Competitions OR Offline (email submission based) OR mixture of all 3. Any new event to add OR review the earlier ones??? 4. Single/Multiple Sponsor(s) ??? What role you can play in this regard ??? Also, I will need your individual involvement for the same, what contributions - you would like to give in the organisation of Exun 2004 - a more successful and memmorable event Each of you are important!!! Mukesh Kumar
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26,May,2004
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I'll be giving out the answers on June 2. I haven't received as many entries as I'd liked to see. All Quizzers please go through urlLink this log entry . Remember the deadline: June 2. --Karan
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26,May,2004
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Apple Remote Desktop with real-time screen sharing is the ideal desktop management solution for education and business. Teachers can monitor students' computer screens, perform group demonstrations, and assist individual students. System administrators can configure remote systems, distribute software, provide online assistance and create reports on software and hardware configurations from anywhere on the network. If you are managing more than one Mac desktop, get Apple Remote Desktop to help increase your productivity and reduce your support costs. System Requirements Apple Remote Desktop supports administration from computers running Mac OS X v10.1 or later, and allows administration of Macintosh Power PC running Mac OS 8.1 through Mac OS 9.2, or Mac OS X v10.1 or later. urlLink Link to the Apple Store Mukesh sir look in to this for a new lab may be.
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Leo
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25,May,2004
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First of all before the attitude problemo lemme point out the fact that 90% of exun members dont know the difference between a 'Blog Post' and a 'Comment'. Please refer to your dictionary, glossary reference, etc etc. Now All those smarty pants who just appreciate their own contribution and not others are requested to join the IdioticExunites Clan. The First two members have been decided Akshay Gursartaj. All others members who like to settle their personal scores on the Natural Log of Exun may also apply to join this Clan
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Leo
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23,May,2004
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This Story is from MSNBC.msn.com The Ultimate Computer Earlier this week I wrote about the ongoing addition of feature after feature to cell phones-most recently, satellite TV. I suggested we're at the start of a dramatic period of rapid technical evolution, wherein our information and communications devices are going to morph into all kinds of new combinations. One reader commented: Name: Joe Hometown: Fort Worth When you continue to add all these features to different sorts of devices, I can see everyone in the not-so-distant future carrying their 'life' with them in the form of some electronic piece of equipment. Just another thing people will be slaves to. Exactly right, Joe -- although, I think it's up to us as to whether we're the slaves of these devices, or vice versa. However, besides cramming next-generation computing and communication into a single personal device, there's another element we need: massive information storage, so we can archive everything we do in life, from e-mail to photos to videos, and have it all available at our fingertips. And that's exactly the direction that Google's one-gigabyte, highly-searchable GMail could take us. About ten years ago I asked Steve Jobs for his vision of the ultimate computer -- the machine that might be possible midway through the 21st century. He said it would be a flat, tablet-like device that you might get as a child; you'd unwrap it, and, via speech and voice recognition, it would ask your name, where it was and then begin learning everything about you. You'd carry it everywhere: do your homework on it, store all your books and correspondence, and it would subtly integrate itself into your life. It would ask, for example, where you were going and you'd say, 'To my tennis lesson,' and it would respond 'Would you like me to remind you about your tennis lesson at this time every week?' And then finally, Jobs said, you'd be 17 or 18 years old, sitting on your bed talking to your computer, and you'd mention that you'd just broken up with your girlfriend. And the computer would say, 'Steve, it's the third time it's happened that way. You want to talk about it?' Perhaps that will always be science fiction. But this decade we're seeing the elements of that vision start to come together. Our computers still need to get much smarter, of course, but the ingredients of constant connectivity, massive memory and friendly interface design are on finally on the way, and it's going to be an interesting ride for the next few decades.
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Leo
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22,May,2004
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Mohit : Please Stop Torturing Us ; Why do you want to put such a long post , noone can read it + you have used boring Tahr and Tamil Nadu.
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4,255,604 |
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Leo
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20,May,2004
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Question 1 The Nilgiri Tahr The Nilgiri Tahr is a mountain goat that lives in the Nilgiri hills on the border between Tamil Nadu and Kerala. The tahr lives along steep rock cliffs where grass does not grow easily. The tahr is a very good climber and can balance itself even on the steepest of cliffs. However, since it is a rather short animal, it cannot jump from one rock to another if the difference in height between the rocks is more than one foot. One such tahr finds itself at the top-left corner of an M x N rectangular grid of rocks. There is a clump' of grass at the opposite (bottom-right) corner. The tahr would like to find a way from its current position to the grass. The tahr cannot jump over rocks and can move from a given rock to only one of its four neighbours (left, right, up or down). The tahr must of course always stay within the grid. Further, remember that it can jump only one foot up or down, so it can move from a rock to its neighbour only if the difference in height between the two rocks is at most one foot. Your task is to help the tahr find such a path to the grass, if it exists. If there is more than one valid path for the tahr to follow, it is sufficient to identify anyone path. For example consider the following grid of rocks, where the number at each position in the grid indicates the height of the rock, in feet, at that position. 7985 6324 5415 2611 Here is a path that the tahr can follow to reach the grass. The path follows the rocks labelled by the letters (a), (b), ..., (i), in that order. 7 (a)985 6 (b)3 (e)2 (1)4 5 (c)4 (d)1 (g)5 261 (h)1 (i) Input format The first line of input contains two integers M and N, specifying the number of rows and columns in the grid, respectively, where 1 Output format. . If there is no path for the tahr to reach the grass. print out a single line containing thenumber O. . If there is a path, the first line of output should be the integer 1. After this, you have to print out anyone path that the tahr can follow to reach the grass. The path is 1 described by a sequence of lines. Each line should consist of two integers. The integers Xi and Yi printed out on line i indicate that the ith step that the tahr takes should be to row Xi and column Yi. Since the tahr always travels from the top-left corner to the bottom-right corner of the grid, the first line of the path is always 1 1 and the last line is always M N. Example Here is sample input and output corresponding to the example discussed above. Sample input 4 4 7 9 8 5 6 3 2 4 5 4 1 5 2 6 1 1 Sample output 1 1 1 2 1 3 1 3 2 2 2 2 3 3 3 4 3 4 4 Question 2 The Rajah's Wrestlers Once upon a time, there lived a Rajah who was extremely fond of wrestling. In those days, wrestlers had supernatural powers. To win a match a wrestler relied not only on his own strength but also on a magical ring that he wore while fighting. This ring allowed a wrestler to gain additional strength proportional to the strength of his opponent. The strength of a wrestler and the magical power of his ring are both positive integers. When wrestler A fights wrestler B, the fight index of wrestler A for this match is given by A's own strength plus the strength of wrestler B multiplied by the magical power of A's ring. Each match is won by the wrestler whose fight index is higher for that match. For example, suppose that wrestler A has strength 10 and wears a ring whose magical power is 3 and wrestler B has strength 18 and wears a ring whose magical power is 4. If these two wrestlers fight each other, wrestler A wins. This is because A's fight index for this match is 10 + (3 x 18) = 64 while B's fight index for this match is only 18 + (10 x 4) = 58. On the other hand if A faces a wrestler C with strength 15 and a ring whose magical power is 5, then C wins. In this match, A's fight index is 10 + (3 x 15) = 55 while C's fight index is 15 + (5 x 10) = 65. Similarly, in a match between Band C, C wins. The Rajah organised a wrestling festival once a year. During this festival, each wrestler fought every other wrestler exactly once. At the end of the contest Rajahh honoured all the wrestlers by inviting them to his court and giving them gold coins. It was the job of the Minister to decide the order in which the wrestlers got to meet the Rajah. This was an important task, because our Rajah was rather eccentric. He had declared that the number of coins to be given to a wrestler was determined by the number of matches he won and his position in the sequence: a wrestler was given one gold coin for each match he won and one gold coin for each wrestler whom he defeated but who was ahead of him in.the line to meet the Rajahh. For instance if the Minister had presented the wrestlers A, Band C described above in the order A, B, C to the Rajahh, then A would get 1 gold coin (for the match he won against B), B would get 0 gold coins (since he won no matches) and C would get 4 gold coins (two for his wins against A and B, one because he beat A and A met the Rajah before him and one more since he beat Band B met the Rajah before him). Instead if the minister had presented them in the order C, A, B then C would get 2 coins (for his wins against A and B), A would get 1 coin (for his win against B) and B would get 0 coins.. The Minister is concerned about the finances of the kingdom. and wants to minimise the number of coins handed out by the Rajah to the wrestlers. Your task is to help the .Minister decide the sequence in which the wrestlers should be presented to the Rajah so that the number of gold coins handed out is minimum. You are provided with the strengths of all the wrestlers and the magical powers of their rings. You may assume that these values are such that no match. results in a tie. Input format The first line of input is an integer N indicating the number of wrestlers. Each wrestler is identified by a unique number in the range. {1, 2,. . ., N}. The next N lines each contain 2 positive integers. For 1 Output format The output consists of N lines, indicating the sequence in which the wrestlers should meet the Rajah to mini mise the number of gold coins handed out by the Rajah. Thus, each line of output should be an integer between 1 and N and every integer between 1 and N should appear exactly once in the output. If the integer on line i is j, it means that wrestler j is the ith wrestler to meet the Rajah. Example Here is sample input and output corresponding to the example discussed above. Sample input 3 103 184 155 Sample output 3 2 1 ps if doees not make any sence it is because of ocr email me and i will email you the jpg's [email protected]
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4,255,604 |
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Leo
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20,May,2004
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Hi We all know that there was much exitement after google announced that it would provide a gb of free email storage.But,some other company took profit out of this or had already embarked that banner;which was the first company to provide a gb of free email storage?:gmail is still in beta and not available for public.Also its invitations come 2$ and onwards?What is a major flaw rumored to be in gmail?
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4,255,604 |
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Student
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Leo
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18,May,2004
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Hi This is Vansh. Rediff's just offered free 1GB Mail along with 10 MB attachment space. If you are already a Rediffmail user, you will automatically attain this offer.Must try this out(If you dont already have one account on Rediff)
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4,255,604 |
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Leo
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18,May,2004
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This is your President. Carefully go through urlLink this document . I need the results on this address : urlLink [email protected] Best of Luck --Karan
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4,255,604 |
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Leo
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14,May,2004
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It may allot upto 100mb for free email.Yahoo now uses Slurp for web search and not google's pagerank and it also owns Yahoo!!!Lanch:for streaming audio and video.
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4,255,604 |
male
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Student
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Leo
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14,May,2004
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All Exun Members of class XI and XII are welcome to submit web designs for Lil ol' Billy
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4,255,604 |
male
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Student
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Leo
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14,May,2004
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urlLink Reports
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4,255,604 |
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Leo
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14,May,2004
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Intermediate Level Quiz-Senior Level Quiz Total=30marks Exun member(minimum)= TOUGH LOT!!!(2*4) 1)We all know that Mridul Seth is the youngest child to clear MCSE,what was his age when he cleared it(1),which state does he belong to(1),what was abnormal about him before the age of 4 or below(2). 2)What is YAHOO! LAUNCHCast(2) and Slurp(1)?Who was the CEO of Yahoo till 4months ago(1)? AHHH...(4*2) 1)What is the Chalta Phirta PCO(1),in which state was it started at the largest scale(1)? 2)What is a keygen(1),differentiate from a password generator? 3)We all know that the recent leak of Microsoft win 2000 was committed by Mainsoft,what was the leak of code(in %)(1):what is the latest version of XP(1)? 4)What is Evermore Integrated Office 2003:what is the difference in the licence agreements b/w microsoft office and this software? SIMPLE STUFF(7*2) 1)What is fade(1)?Name any company involved in making it(1/2)?Which was the first game to integrate it(1/2)? 2)Differentiate b/w a hacker and cracker?Which did Ankit Fadia do to Chip(now Digit)? 3)At what age did Ankit Fadia write 'An Unofficial Guide to Ethical Hacking by Ankit Fadia'(1/2),in how many days did he write the book(1/2) and when(1/2)?What does he do now(any 1 point)(1/2)? 4)What is Aperture Grille(1),what is Shadow mask(1)? 5)What is dot pitch(1)?What is NEC(1/2)In a LCD , what is better:smaller pixel size/larger pixel size(1/2)? 6)Who is the CEO of EBAY.com(1)/Amazon.com(1)? 7)What is WiMAX(1)(2points) ,how is it different from other connecting standards(1)(2points)?
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4,255,604 |
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Leo
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13,May,2004
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INTERMEDIATE LEVEL QUIZ Total=40marks Minimum Score by Quizer=22marks or more Minimum Score By Exunite=10marks or more ACRONYMS(10marks) 1)MCSE- 2)OCA- 3)FPU- 4)WPA- 5)MCDST- 6)WINE- 7)ARCHIE- 8)YAHOO- 9)ENIAC- 10)SUN- NEWS TECH(5marks) 1)What is gmail? 2)What is kessiar aka EPC? 3)What is Songpro? 4)Evermore Integrated 2003 is a __________ product? 5)Recent leak of Win 2000 code was done by this company....? AWARENESS(5marks) 1)Joltid:Altnet: 2)How is Nichal Zenstrom related to Janus Friis? 3)What is the new name of lindows? 4)Who was the first lady programmer? 5)What is the similarity between q-dos and MSDOS? IMPORTANT PERSONALITIES(5marks) 1)Who is Deepak Puri? 2)Who is Tejas Shah? 3)Who is Kevin Mitnik? 4)Ex-CEO of Intel? 5)Who made the Analytic Engine? Get YOUR HANDS WET(5*2marks) 1)Who is the CEO of Dell,who will proceed him,when? 2)What is raid?How many types it it of? 3)Bill Gates:OS::Paul Allens:,where did they start doing computers:what was the outcome? 4)What is CeBIT,where is it held each year? 5)What is the similarity between ShadowMask and Aperture Grille?Define any one. AHHH...(2.5*2marks) 1)What is Tehas?What is its current condition;which is the next cpu generation in plan? 2)What is PCI-EXPress and 3GIO(2)?What is Alderwood or northwood?(1/2)
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Leo
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12,May,2004
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I've removed the Karan's Blog link from the sidebar because some people think that the content on it is controversial and is detrimental to the great institution, i.e., Delhi Public School R K Puram as well as Exun. I am never, I repeat, NEVAH, going to censor my blog just to suit a certain community. However, for the purpose of being discreet, I have started implying things rather than stating explicitly. Have fun guys, --Karan
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4,255,604 |
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Leo
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10,May,2004
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Hello All Doesn't it look brilliant? Blogger has finally taken heed and updated many of its services. It was only appropriate for me to pick one of their new excellent themes, which with slight modification, became ln(exun).
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4,255,604 |
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Leo
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09,May,2004
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All members of exun are invited to pitch in their ideas on what features should an online event management website be having. Respond ASAP.The site development is currently running ahead of schedule therefore the scheduled Admin restructuring might be preponed to around 12-13th May.
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4,255,604 |
male
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Student
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Leo
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08,May,2004
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karan, how did u manage to sign up on gmail?
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4,255,604 |
male
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Student
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Leo
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08,May,2004
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my greetings .... to all exunites.... and mukesh sir!
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4,255,604 |
male
| 14 |
Student
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Leo
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08,May,2004
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Malware 1. urlLink Nasty Malware Fouls PCs with Porn 2. urlLink Sick of Spam? Prepare for AdWare The Blogosphere 3. urlLink Warning: Blogs can be infectious 4. urlLink How the word gets around About Microsoft 5. urlLink Microsoft is choo chweet OK, this one is a brilliant article; shows you what it means by the pen is mightier than the sword : urlLink The Kingmaker I'll keep on adding more as I find them over this weekend. Quizzers should read.
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4,255,604 |
male
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Leo
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07,May,2004
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Exun Members, Please convey your summer vacation plans and contact details during summer vacations to the presidents Mukesh
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4,255,604 |
male
| 14 |
Student
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Leo
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07,May,2004
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I, Srajan and the gamers of the sections of Class 8th entered Computer Lab 6 in the 7th period. We were here for The Domain Square Gaming Competition which was for class 8th. The game to be played was Unreal Tournament. I saw the gleam in their eyes when the game was disclosed. The sections were divided into 2 batches comprising of 6 gamers each were from sections A-F and 6 from G-L. We (me and Srajan)gave them a practice session of 10 minutes and that is the time when we were bombarded with queries and to think Karan Misra entered at that time. But after that the competition went smoothly. In the first batch (A-F) the gamers played in DM Stalwart map where you had a time limit of 10 minutes and you could kill as many people as you could. The 3 gamers who killed the most were to be selected from each batch for the final round. The gamers who didn't make the final 3 went back to their classes with a heavy heart but with a smile. In the second batch(G-L) the gamers were given DM Curse map. We selected 3 gamers again for the finals and said a goodbye to the other gamers after 10 minutes. Now, call it luck or curse a section of X came for their class i.e. the eigth period(it stretched a little bit as we were giving tutorials to the gamers for playing the game). But everything was in control. The finals were played in the Deck 16 map where the six finalists got 15 minutes of play time where they could slaughter each other as many times they could in the time limit. The gamers who came out victorious were- 1. Digvijay Singh of VIII-A 2. Aviral Goyal of VIII-G 3. Aman Gupta of VIII-F It's upto Karan to decide what happens to them. We hope we would see more competitions in the near future. Special thanks to Karan Misra and Mukesh Nagpal and Mukesh Kumar sir for making this event possible. A report by- Manas Gautam(9-B-organizer) Srajan Mani(9-C-organizer)
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4,255,604 |
male
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Leo
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06,May,2004
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There is going to be an Intersection gaming competition for class 8 th tomorrow probably in the 7th Period in Lab6. The game which is going to be played is Unreal Tournament. It is being organized by Mr. Mukesh Nagpal(coordinator 0f 8th) who is taking the help of Manas Gautam, Srajan Mani and Akshay Talwar. And yes, we all are Exun members. There will be a full detail of the gaming competition on this blog whenever it takes place. A special thanks to Karan Misra and Mukesh sir for giving us the permission. Thanking you Manas
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4,255,604 |
male
| 14 |
Student
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Leo
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04,May,2004
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Project Billboard which was officially announced to all exun members on 29th April. All Members of Exun were given the right to participate in the construction of the site. As the project is still not under the aegis of DPS RKP, All the rights of exun members to Billboard have been revoked except to Maanick Nangia and Bhavya Khanna. This Administration Structure will expire on 20th May, after which a new structure will be announced. No Non-Admin Member of Billboard will have any details/source code of the Project in this Structure Maanick Nangia
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