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1,971,929 | female | 17 | Student | Virgo | 02,June,2004 | urlLink Enter Ex-Boyfriend Number 2: Lucas. Lucas and I met by way of Talley and got to know each other via the internet. After Tim and I broke up Lucas and I went out, and then went out again, and again. Though we never officially said we were an item, everyone started to call me Lucas' girlfriend and Lucas my boyfriend, so we just decided not to correct them anymore. We went out from December 2003 to the end of May 2004, so that's a good... five and a half months. Lucas is talked about on the main page so you can check out what happened to this relationship there. Check the posts for May 2004. |
1,971,929 | female | 17 | Student | Virgo | 02,June,2004 | urlLink This picture was taken outside of Talley's house on Prom Night: April 17, 2003. Twas Junior Year for the lot of us, excluding Sophomore Robert. The boys all decided to wear Zoot Suits and Fedoras. We nerds had a good time at the Italian Restaurant pretending to be Mafia members. In order of appearance: Julie, Lucas, Jared, Katherine, Talley, Robert Julie: That's me. Lucas: My date - we were still going out at the time of this photo. Jared: Lucas' best friend since like 6th grade. Katherine: My old best friend from back in 8th grade, we had some fallings out, I'm not really sure what happened, but we're fine now. We hooked Jared and Kat up because they both wanted to go, but neither had dates. They agreed to go with each other and they went in our group, of course. Talley: My best friend, duh. Robert: Talley's date. He had a thing for Talley, but I'm not sure that he still does. Talley had an on and off thing for him, so she asked him to prom because I wanted her to go. Thanks Talley. |
1,971,929 | female | 17 | Student | Virgo | 02,June,2004 | urlLink This is my best friend Talley and me, being losers. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Once Your Sneakers Throw You (to Something Corporate and Pepper Ann. I have my reasons.) Here I am. That’s what he said. It’s a foggy night. The mist burns my eyes. It’s a long way down. Are you sure about this? Once your sneakers throw you, You forget how to fly. Don’t you wish You were still a little kid? Now what have you got to show? Superman doesn’t rescue suckers. Just so you know. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Matthew’s Town (In the style of Anne Carson...I have gotten a lot of praise on this one, as old and as simple as it is. Then again, words never really age and it is pretty complex now that I think about it. Anyway, it seems to have been a favorite so check it out.) She has never looked better. He decides. She is beautiful. Golden braids. Sunny night. He smiles as she. Sleeps. She never liked him anyway. She’s in. His bed. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | A Love Song from Andy (An old school poem of mine...) Today, she asked me if I liked him. Where’s his lighter? His blonde hair? You look so cute together. Too bad you don’t know how To hold hands. Need a hand? Wow, thanks for the necklace. I do like chocolate milk. I’m glad you agree. And now, I can see him Three doors down. As he approaches– I know. I know. I know. He’s yours. He’ll ask me again, Then provide me with the hug. The one you wanted. I’m sorry. Excuse me for a minute, While I go throw up. Hold this for me. Too bad you don’t know how To hold hands. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | A Chrysalis Catharsis (For Matt) How am I supposed to pull this off? This whole, perfect girl thing? How am I going to stay your butterfly– your baby bat? I’m none of that. Neither are you, that’s what I like about you. But I can deal with change. I breathe change. But will you love everything I’m changing back into? I’m crawling back into my chrysalis and morphing from your butterfly into a caterpillar. One of those prickly ones. My leathery wings are tearing. . . |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Written and Revised on Christmas Day 2003. For Vinnie, who may be the only person to ever have heard what's written between these lines. Something is being held out to me by the hands that have cradled me for so long. I’ve been standing on my own two feet for the last six months or so. And still I can’t lift anymore weight than the little I am. To take it would, in a way, lighten my load. (For the moment) But as all time, that moment would soon slip away. (Losing my balance.) Then I’m burdened with the aftershocks and consequences and the Did that really happen? and the grin, and the dot. dot. dot. and the Goodbye. and the Hello. and the Yes, I screwed this over. and the Goodbye. (For good.) Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I think it would be easier, not to kiss the hands that I feed from, but rather, to bite them. Sink my teeth in. Sip. Sip. Sip. And I’ll chew on the bones like the dog I am. I’m savoring all of this, you know. Though this has cost me the sweetest, (ripest) fruit, your juices fit better on my tongue. (Always.) And now those hands pick me apart, slip in under my skin. Tearing off pieces of my face and placing them in my hand. Am I really that cold? If I drop myself will that lighten my load? (For good.) |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | My Artificial Night I can see why Juliet loved her Romeo. I would have wooed him, too and made him forget the name Sweet Rosaline and taken the blinds and the curtains and drapes and created my own artificial night as he wooed and I wept and wanted him back. (Maybe I should put my armor back on.) |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | White Boy 'All he could think about was, I'm too young for this. Got my whole life ahead. Hell, I'm just a kid myself. HOW AM I GONNA RAISE ONE?' -Kenny Chesney White boy. Bright flame. Stab yourself. Take the blame. The cocoon is torn, new wings emerge. Broken and spit-on, bruised by the urge. The flame will pour from between the lips of the boy with the chains and the womb with the whips. And the tip of the tongue begins to bleed. The blood is dirty. The flame will feed upon the skin under which he crawls. He tries to run. He trips. She falls. Never born can never fly. Nothing tastes good once you lie. Slowly learning how to die. Holding hands with a burning butterfly. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | (I'd dedicate this one to my Mom...though she'll never know.) This is the borderline of crying. No, this is crying. Why do you insist on tugging the tears from me till I’m empty? And still trying to suppress my anger. The rage that I’ve been keeping bottled up for so long. I’d love to drown you in it, spill it all over your body– your soul–that little round glowing orb. I’d love to smother it with poison so it shrivels up and wilts like those fucking flowers on that fucking wreath where the dartboard used to be. I’m sorry I didn’t have perfect aim. I’m sorry I ever started this game. YOU ASKED ME TO PLAY! Well fine. I’ll never let you win again. (Gulping down my bottle of regret, now.) |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Suspension (of the Senses) This is the chorus of the song Greg is creating for me :-D. This is me in the school cafeteria, standing, being pulled up onto the table by you. This is not a suspension (but of my senses.) This is my petition– signed by two: Me and you. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | (For Mike. Obviously.) I hope you choke on every kiss She plants square on your lips. I hope that when you try to swallow them down, They get stuck in your throat. (Still kissing frogs?) And never again will you be able to taste Anything so sweet (as your lies) As me… Not to mention the kisses that are killing you softly, Breathing all your air. God, I hate being right. Especially when you knew all along But still pretended I was wrong. God, I hate your frog-digesting, kiss-infected guts. Go ahead and leave again. And this time, It won’t be you I’m lusting after. Bastard. I’ll be sitting here (Type. Type. Type.) creating my angry teenage poetry. Punching walls And punching keys. And you’ll be out there, Somewhere, Or better yet, IN. In everyone you come across, Including Jess– Your best friend. I love the was you talk about How you’re so close When the space between you Is bigger than you think you are. When you finally get together And kill that thing called SPACE, Let me know How much SPACE you allowed for between your bellies, Between your thick skin. So yes, you’re once again IN. How does it feel? I bet it’s mighty satisfying, With a small side of regret. And with one more girl, That will lust after you. And maybe a few more angry teenage poems. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Ashes Your fingertips glide Along the valley that is my stomach, Any my entire body cringes. Nerves explode. I ignite. (You are amazing.) This blazing fire Brightens the room. At first all I see is desire. At first all I see is want. But I look again. I see time. Regret, maybe, that crumples time. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Just Just slit my wrist And in you slip– Under my skin. You like tickling me from inside, don’t you? Don’t you like playing in the pools of my hot blood? (I’m hot for you.) Just change this. Just change me back from North to South. Repel me. (I thrive on your attraction.) I’m not as bipolar as I thought I was. I’m just like a lovesick puppy, following you around. (Maybe I’m just sick.) Just purr, Because, Kitten, us dogs, we don’t. Nuzzle against me, Rumble my chest. Stir up my blood. Let’s just make this up as we go along. Let’s just. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | To My Mind Night is creeping along your back. (Like black ants in their track. In their line.) Soon it will shadow you, Shelter you completely. The darkness grows and grows, And soon I’ll lift it up, Let a little beam of light Blind you for a split second. I’ll crawl underneath the sheets with you, And you’ll wrap your shadow-stained arms (Pale now, more pale than ever.) Around my middle. (Tightly now, more tightly than ever.) There are cobwebs gathering in the corners here. Where was I all your life? Eventually some of me Will leave my body, Numbing the nerves I’ll no longer own. Eventually everything of mine that you’ve endured Will leave even you. (After X number of years). Memory is everything. Lick me all over, Taste everything, Even my memory. Kiss all the places where you’ve licked my skin away. (Mend me.) I’ll lose myself to you. I’ll give you the egg And you be the fetus. You do the math. (The addition To our family.) Our family itself. I’m still leaving through the slits On my wrists. Like an adulteress though her window. (Back to her lacy spider web. Tie me up now, tie me up more tightly than ever.) |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Due Time pt. II (for Patt) I want you to know that my mind is like a magnet and you’re the refrigerator door. That weird texture to you– I’d like to run my fingers along it, as it melts and twists into the shape of your face. My fingers brush your pink lips, like an A on a test paper, stuck up on the fridge– Triumphant. but not too proud. Something someone has earned. Something someone has to show what they have learned. Your lips are my teachers, and I crave knowledge, wisdom. Happiness. (Can that be taught?) Keep speaking! I want to know everything! I want you to show me. I want a little red A to kiss. I want you. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | ::Kink:: (for Indie) Pulling the hair from my head, Cocked sideways. I hope to God I don’t get a kink In my neck Without Harry around. Pulling the hair from my head. I think… India Wright You’re really something. ::Kink:: |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Sloppy Seconds (The Long Kiss Goodnight) Is this my long kiss goodnight? Because my lips are left alone. Resting unparted and untouched. Is this what I’m left to live with? And sleep with? This phantom that won’t touch me? I’ve always thought that those memories come back to life for the better. Well I guess I was wrong cause nothing is worse than this enticing nothing. The leftovers of a venomous kiss. What if I don’t want sloppy seconds? I don’t know. Maybe I’m overreacting. But you gave me reason to in giving me nothing at all. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | This one's becoming a song thanks to Greg (:-D) so look out for it. She can wear a white shirt like nothing’s ever been so white. Like nothing’s ever been so sexy. Her hair falls in all the right places, curling on it’s way down her back, like water trickling over rubies. As succulent, as red and the apple that Eve plucked and polished and ate. …her tool for sin… …her tool for sin… Walking beside her while she glows with all my energy In her whites and her blacks. She makes me feel so ugly, so plain and boring and dusty. So unclean and unwanted, I try a little spit-shine, to maybe catch all the Adams’ eyes. It’s not that they don’t see me. It’s not that they don’t look me up and down. It’s just that she’s so much better at being a girl. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Closure (From Here on Out) (for Mike...that's right, MIKE.) From here on out, my every heartbeat will be devoted to someone else. From here on out I dedicate myself to a worthier cause. To a cause that’s not engaged; and from here on in, my heart will be sealed with a juicier kiss. A kiss that will inspire more than lustful feelings. From here on out I’ll remember the difference between a breath and a scream and that they both ran out of ecstasy. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Aye, Pilgrim! At least I said Goodnight tonight before I said goodbye. God I love the way you nuzzle the air as if someone was there when I scratch your head and play with your hair. But, Love, I must admit Love isn’t Love unless we can handle this shit. We have knots to comb out, we have rough lips to smooth with Romeo’s Holy Palmer’s kiss. Aye, Pilgrim! God I love the way you sin and the trouble you always get us in. Too bad I still hate everything. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Kiss Space (To “Brian that Guy”) I don’t know what it was exactly. Something about lacing myself all up all over. And what? Did I actually think that I could be all over you? Because I’m pretty sure my fingers were still laced through his. Woven. [Kiss space] I liked how you kissed me on the cheek and how you planted the kiss more in that empty space between my cheek and my neck. Only a fool allows a stranger to kiss her (neck). Well, I guess then, Stranger, I’m foolish. Play with me again, Stranger. Help unwind these bindings To him, My everything. (Unravel) (Me) |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Indestructible and Sweet (to Vampire) It’s sweet Like raspberries and orange juice. Like how you can call me Princess and get away with it. Like plucking the petals from a flower, thinking, Please let him love me! How can he not? Maybe every flower wasted on wishes and worried little girls will come back and haunt you. (Boo…BOO!) At least when you wish on stars (like me) we’re not wasted and scattered around your feet. It drives me insane when you poke at mine. I’m as ticklish as sin. Just as I am invincible. Us stars, we shoot (through the sky) LIKE THE CRY OF A PISTOL. Nothing’s as convincing as the point of a pin and the wiry tree I can scratch into the palm of my hand, when I’m hiding in the corner where no one can find me. I’m invisible. I’m indestructible and sweet Like raspberries and orange juice. Like a star’s defeat. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Is it raining in California? (Just the chorus of a really long song I've been working on for a while... oh yeah and this one is for Ant, too.) Is it raining in California or clear enough to see our moon? Are you surfing over crashing waves or sitting silently on the roof? Thinking of me, and the way it was before... surface on the shore wash up to my front door I'll dry you off and wrap my arms around you. We can make out in the Massachusetts rain. Let's run away. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | A Million Miles (for Ant, wherever you are) A million miles A gazillion footsteps away I’ve never ever cared so much~ I’ll never forget the way we made out on the rooftop under the white hot moon. MXPX playing in through the window to my room– A love song about two people A million miles (a gazillion footsteps) away from each other Both in the dark curled under the covers giggling out loud in the night. The echoes of the beeping when the text messages came through. (Nothing better to do.) (There is nothing better than you.) Two people- Shaking with anticipation Wishing they could just wrap themselves in someone else’s arms (and lips). But still I’ll never forget how I’d sit on the rooftop listening to MXPX play softly in my ear Looking at the same moon that you were looking at, too. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Inhale (for Mark) Written and Revised March 28, 2004 I want to inhale him all, my little cigarette. He soothes my blood, his mystery fills my lungs and I'm already addicted. I fit so perfectly like lock and key– he opens me. I want to hug him forever and soak all his toxins in, my little cigarette. He turns me on, I light him up, and everything's fine. I miss him so much. I need another drag so I can sit still. One more kiss from the lips of my little cigarette. Fighting these cravings, God, do I crave him. Friends like a thousand surgeon generals screaming from the pages of magazines and time. But I'll inhale him all. He's mine. My little cigarette. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Grey Grey Actor and Other Grey Things Written and Revised April 1, 2004 There actually are more than fourteen shades of grey. And though I still don't know for sure what grey matter is, I'm sure my body is covered in it. I'm sure it's multiplying by the minute. After attending a musical I curl up with my grey. After attending a musical starring all my friends– the stars–little grey stars-–my friends being stared in the eye so straightly by a silver-eyed, brown-haired actor. Humor emits from his ears and his eyes– he doesn't blink, Why won't he blink? Grey matter in his mouth Grey matter on his cheeks. I'm sure it's been multiplying for weeks. A grey grey actor soiled costume, disheveled brown-hair brown-hair and grey-eyes grey-eyes stare. stare. WHY WON'T HE BLINK? I still don't know for sure what grey matter is but it peels away at his eyelids and leaves me grinning like an idiot and I blush– I'm sure my blood is silver, too, though I'm no unicorn. No magician. No actor. Just a grey little girl lost in a moment wondering why wondering what any of this even has to do with the color grey. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Mad Season/In Your Mouth (The Fuck Yourself Poem) Written 4.2.04, Revised 4.3.04 (and again...take it as you will...) I'll bleed all over you then try not to look while you fuck yourself. The sound of water rumbling in the pipes inside the wall– you washed a little bit of liquid-me and whatever else– flint rocks flint rocks Fucking stop it! You're sparking me. You're sparking me! Masturbation is a silly thing like bleeding in someone else's mouth without warning. ( I'm sorry! I swear I didn't know! ) I'm not listening. I promise I don't feel a thing. I'll try and think of something else: F is for Flint Rocks. U is for You, You, You, You. So many things that start with C- Creation. ( Oh, please, GOD. NO! ) I'd beg. Castration. that spot on the wall that spot on the wall At least your room isn't excruciatingly green-blue (69 69) At least your room isn't lined with too many trophies. That's all I ever used to be... all of this is making me feel like maybe I should help, I should obey. oKay. oKay. (I let you win...) |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | 'I'll never doubt again.' -Buttercup, The Princess Bride (^I think this is going to be the title of this poem. It is kind of...um...controversial is the word I think I want. Take it as you will, it is art and art is only how it is interpreted.) Written 3.1.04, Revised 4.4.04 I can't every be you I wouldn't fit into your shoes. (My feet are too small... Maybe all of me is too small...) But I have an idea. Let's switch bodies for a while– Let's be inside each other in more ways than one. You can play the stepfather I am so much afraid of In my own silly way and rape me. Give me something new to give a rebirth to my wallowing in and maybe you can baptize new faith while you're laying all tangled up in our own skin, fair and thin, and never doubt again. Maybe I can make it easier– for a while anyway. We're both safe under the sheets drowned out by these screams. And you won't have to love me. And I won't have to walk anywhere in your shoes. I like it right here where we are, doubtful. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Darling Nicky Written 3.28.04, Revised 4.5.04 The boys and girls are out tonight. They unbutton blouses. They unzip flies. They take off shoes. They turn off the light. The glimmering creatures are full of lies. They are eating each other. They are overfed. At night, alone, I marry the bed. -Anne Sexton 'The Ballad of a Lonely Masturbator' Do you like having control, Nichole? Do you like to be able to choose how he smells? of coffee or smoke or grass or mint? Do you miss all you fell for when you fell in like? All that you secretly loved about him– the little things he changed to entertain you? Now I bet it just pains you to watch his trenchcoat drag along in the dirt. So Nichole, Did it hurt when it hit you that what you're kissing today has cured the delicious virus of yesterday? |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Revised 4.5.04 (For Jake...you're welcome.) A kitchen filled with a thousand roses– nothing to be jealous of nothing to be jealous of Save one for me, I'll do anything, please. Just make me feel special. Petals of attention, sprinkled with dew drops of salt from your lips. Nothing to be jealous of, Nothing to be jealous of. Okay, you can keep the petals, JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING! I'll take the stem. The leaves, whatever. As long as it's from you. Call me tomorrow when you get home from working– selling a thousand roses. and remind me nothing to be jealous of nothing to be jealous of I though you were a safety net. Scratch me with the thorns. I thought you were a safety net. I could hang my halo on your horns. Anyway, I'm no cherub. And there were no sparks flying. NOTHING to be jealous of, like I'd be jealous of a couple sparks... |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Written on 3.1.04, I felt like if I revised it even the slightest bit I would lose something, so this is the original version and the way it will stay. This is one of my all-time favorites, along with Due Time pt. II . If I had to dedicate this poem to anyone, it would be to the bricks in the wall in that spot in my school that I love. . . The drumline is pounding. POUNDING! and still somehow it's so serene. It's been an eternity without a drop of sunlight to baptize me. But I'm fine now. I'm okay. The psychobabble seems to sway the way I dressed and set my eyes. I'm sitting where TJ kissed me. Where he wrapped his arms around my middle and lifted me up by the hips and I wrapped my legs around his middle, and held tight. His goose down coat, I thought I was tangled in a cloud. But I was tangled in a liar. I remember feeling the warm metal of the ring through his lip, pressing ever so softly against mine. (We could have pierced our lips together and have been fine!) But the beating had resided and I'm sitting on the dusty floor, the bricks holding me where he did. Even though we both knew it wouldn't last somehow I'm satisfied with the little things like lip rings and clouds and bricks. Somehow I'm satisfied with the past. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Written 12.10.03, Revised 4.5.04 (I actually wrote this in a McDonalds...) I can feel the pressure building up behind my eyes. I don't know if it's tears, or blood, or brains, or what. But my pupils feel pierced by a little gauge. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Burst. Spin. Spin. Spin. Back to feeling fine. Towel dry. Try to hide. Everything. Shovel it all back inside. Chew. Swallow. Chew. Swallow. Eating pride. (So this is what my ego tastes like...) |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Written 3.21.04, all the appropriate revising was done in the writing process. I have yet to title this poem, which I actually wrote when I had that retarded Nickelback song in my head. Yes this is word-for-word my own. Yes this is word-for-word for MIKE: I love your collarbone. I love the way you fall asleep on the phone. I love the scratches on your arms. I hate all your little hidden charms. I hate that damn Nickelback song. I love that you still think I'm wrong. I'd love to suck the salt from your wounds. I hate your Anime cartoons. I love the way you're way too white. I love that you hold me so damn tight. I love the way that your lips curl. I love the way you make me HURL. I hate the way you smell my hair. I love the way you never care. I love the neck I hate to bite. I LOVE YOU PIST OFF WHEN WE FIGHT. I love the way you have control. I hate how much of me you stole. I love the way you make me cringe. I love that love is just a binge. I love the smell of your sweat. I hate the day that we met. I love the way I'm just your pet. I love all the rules that you set. I hate the way you get me high. That sexy green ring in your eye. I hate the Godess that you praise. I love that I was just a phase. I love the dullness of your teeth, the way you nibble underneath the thin blonde layer of my hair. I hate that nothing's ever fair. I hate all the thoughts that you think. I love your promise not to drink while you sneak another sip. I hate the way you bite your lip. I love that you refuse to cry. I love that you don't bother to try. I love that you're waiting for your wings. I love that there are no 'little things.' I love the way you crack your neck. How you're just in this for the sex. How you walk so fucking fast. All the dark secrets in your past. I love to watch you bruise and bleed. I hate the veins from which you feed. I love the ground that you walk on. I hate that you always sleep through dawn. I love the grave you've dug for me. I love your limp, your fucked up knee. I love the pockets of your coat. that you're a castle, I'm your moat. I love the fingers that you cross. I love the way that you're the boss. I hate the softy underneath. I love to forget to remember to breathe. I love that 'I'm sorry' doesn't count. I hate that I don't even amount to the Sapphires in her eyes. I love that you also leash up guys. I hate how everything's the same. I love when you act so goddamned tame. I love the knowlege in your head. I love the tears you make me shed. I hate the way you let me in. I love the thickness of your skin. I love the way I clench the sheets every time that your cold heart beats. I love that I'm still seduced by you. I hate the way I was one of two. I love when you jack off on the phone. I love your collarbone. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | I'll Make it to Hell (The Beholder) July 27, 2003 To Erin, though the original version is for Greg Jarry, after it had undergone revisions and I built structure (that's right, I used STRUCTURE) I altered it to tell a different kind of story...for Erin. It's so cliche that I may cry, but what it crying versus death? What devil is this that tattoos his Hell With my every choking breath? Another night I lie awake, My face is masked by dark. My eyelids are heavy, my fingers are numb, And my still body is stark. I’m safe within these four walls, But Edgar Allan Poe once said: ‘That any beholder Might fancy me dead.’ The beholder thinks she’s ugly, Unless the mirror lies. And on this 27th of July, This damned beholder dies. But there’s one angel Who seeps through these walls. I’ve never thought of this one angel, As one whom cares at all. I’ve always thought of this angel as The goofy kid in the back of the class that ive known since third grade. And though this isn’t a tale of his rescue, The sadness inside me began to fade. And when I turned to pay respects to the boy who saved my life I had to look away. Any beholder aside from myself Would sneer with dismay. But now I think I know the truth. This angel simply lied. As I offered again to pass on his good deed, I could see it in his eyes. No tourniquet can stop this bleeding, Stop this hurt inside. Sometimes I hate the angel, too, But I know that at least he tried. Maybe I’ll be an angel, When this bleeding its through. I might regret the choice I made, But what else was I to do? So, my angel, I’m sorry for wasting your time. Maybe I’ll see you around. I’f im not up in heaven, I’ll make it to Hell before the stars shine down. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Serenade 1. I have 1.2.3.4.5. fingers on my hand. The bed is dripping off it's frame. My breath rolling over the surface of the phone like oil over water, all rainbow around the edges, slippery. That spectrum, seducing me. Myself is dried and peeling off of my fingers, like old, crumpled bark. Remember we had a tree? Remember it didn't like you? I like you-in 1.2.3.4.5. ways. You're the 'ow' in wow. You're the stains on my fingernails. I kinda sorta somehow... I kinda sorta somehow... I swear to you, my God again, PLEASE. Prove that it's not me, and that it's just my 1.2. hands. I'll kiss you like an ant kisses the sun when a magnifying glass is held over it. I hold you over everything- My 1.2.3.4.5. ways, My 1.2.3.4.5. I turn them over to you. My 1.2. hands in yours. I give you my sweat. I give you my pores. 2. As I turn on my heel to step into the shower, I catch a glimpse in the mirror of the little ink Star I drew on my ankle earlier with my hormone pen: you refill me. Only the Star, that's all I see, for, what is my ankle? what is the tile? My nothing bones see to be asking. Everything is just the background. Everything is turning brown. Left shining like a blacklight through the mud- that little Star, diggind it's 1.2.3.4.5. little thorns into my pores. 3. I step into the shower and let the hot water crash over me, like the oil of my melted screams. Like you. I findmyself unable to stand, losing balance. LOSING CONTROL. Clawing at the shower curtain trying to steady my weakening knees. Urine around my feet (goldplating the Star) RELEASE RELEASE Knocking down the rack of razors , white blood cells seeping through my gold, tattooed pores. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Written 3.1.04, I just uncovered it in a pile of old papers and I liked it a lot. So here is is: With a quick flick or my achy shaky wrist I can do anything– and I will. My magic wand, this ballpoint pen. I can create whatever I want. I can create perfection. And I will. A kittenlike girl with long dark hair and eyes that seem to hold me and lips that ask me to kiss them. And I will. Because I can do anything. And I will. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Kingdom Written 3.28.04, Revised 4.5.04 You have no idea. I'll be your queen, you can reign more than just your neighborhood. I can't believe that I am about to write this, but I'll be your kingdom. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Someone Please Just Kiss me Written 3.26.04, Revised 4.5.04 A simple hug used to soothe me. (I hate the world. I hate the world.) Inertia– Around and around and around I'd go. (I found you. I found you.) I think I found a world I don't hate. It's getting late but it's still so early. Do you appreciate me as much as I appreciate your mother sheltering my knocky-kneed smile, my kind story, and my confusion? Are you as confused as I am? You have nothing to fear, you are invincible, and I am so seduced. I guess maybe all this abandonment is only in my head. (Everyone loves me. Everyone wants me.) If you understand what I mean and mean what you say, someone, please just miss me. Someone please just kiss me. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | In fear for Sam's Dignity Written 4.1.04, Revised 4.5.04 I fear ever walking into an empty arcade these days. Especially, I'm sorry Sam, I'm sorry Sam, if the punk in the powder blue polo shirt is anywhere near. I fear, for your well-preserved innocence. I fear for all the black makeup on your face. You are not the only victim, stay out of his way. It wasn't a dream. Run, I swear. It wasn't a dream! I bled it, I felt it when you'd scream. When you'd scream. I would have surely been ripped back into this dimension when you'd scream, curdling my blood. The world in which he lies in wait behind a Street Fighting game, I think that is. It's red, it's red like the blood he'll tear you open and bathe his- skin- in you're pooling scarlet mess. It doesn't matter how dark your clothes. You better run. I promise you this. Stay out of his way– more blood. more pain. more time thinking 'IS MY SKULL SHATTERED YET?! I'M SCREAMING SO LOUD WHY WON'T ANYONE LISTEN?? IS ANYONE THERE?? SOMEONE PLEASE!!! COME FUCKING SAVE ME!!! HELP ME, SOMEONE!!! anyone.' |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Written and Revised 4.11.04 This is breathtaking. This made Amy cry. She read the rough draft. She had tears streaming down her face. Maybe because it is about her and the child inside her, but it is still one of my absolute favorites. I read it back to myself and I was like...woah... There’s an angel in her womb, I can feel his weakness when I look at him. He’s buried under Layers of skin, sheets of Membrane. His bones are so thin, his Eyes never open. He is Nameless, he has that advantage. He has not yet been numbered, Though he has been labeled, Has been judged. The doctors say He’s too big to be true. But I know that’s just his wings all Tucked inside that embryo. The Umbilical cord is so thick, So his thoughts can get out. But Somehow they’re all just clogged Up in there. The doctors want To get him out. Everyone wants To get him out. But he’ll freeze. Plaster him in tiny blue clothes, Put booties on his feet, but The world is too cold. The world Is too cold. He needs a Hero like a blanket. He needs A childhood somewhere outside To thicken his bones and whiten His feathers. His eyes will open, And all the sights will close his Mind. Somehow I know that he’s Better off inside her. Somehow We’re all better off not knowing His name. All the years and Moments will take him over And he’ll find himself Under the mistletoe. His Aged lips kissing the host Of his own angel. Wishing That she’ll get to keep Her wings. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Written and Revised 4.11.04 Does she think I’ll be the one To wrap a blanket around her? Does she think that I’m the One who can smooth the Goosebumps on her skin? I’m Not there to play doctor or nurse. She wants a mother. She wants Someone to grow up for her So she can stay young forever. Does she think I’ll give my imagination, All my wit to her? Does she think I’ll Make her peanut butter and jelly Sandwiches and mix her chocolate milk At midnight when she can’t sleep? Does She think I’ll be her education? She’s Not much shorter than me. I can’t be All she can’t be. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Written and Revised 4.11.04 I thought it was about time I wrote something new for Jess. I actually really really like this peice. Everytime I read it over, my grammatical side says that it's really incomplete, but my writer side says that it's perfect that way. It adds to it. And anyway I still really like it a lot. Every time I crack my knuckles, The sound rings you into my head. The poofy Easter dresses of All the egg-hunting six-year-olds Crinkle when they squat down To grab an egg from underneath a Bush. It reminds me of the Sound of all those perfumes sprayed In the Greyhound coach. You came Home with me and I threw up Shrimp lo mein while you listened Through the wall. I’m never in the A forest anymore, it’s never serene. But the pencil in my sketchbook I remember you called that poem “Alone” when I was exploring only footsteps away. This little blister on the tip of my tongue rubs against the back of my teeth and I can see you in my head, fixing the makeup job-I wasn’t good enough because God forbid, anyone was going to see you that night. You have other friends names Meagan with 2 A’s and girls you always tried to hate because they dressed so differently, when really you shopped at the same stores. They giggled too much, you never ever Did. But when I giggle it’s fine. It’s fine Somehow. We used to believe in aliens. In 2012 will you still be breathing? Will you still ask for a nice ripe Piece of fruit when you’re feeling Slightly dry. You’d always crave. You keep D.C. waiting, when really You’re just waiting for a chance to Admit to yourself that you want to Strip him of all the white he wears And his perfect blonde hair. I thought You were getting married! I thought he Was your snowflake! (You published That notion, then went running to Your rock star mother and fed her The story of the year you were five. And she ate it all up and then burped It all out and you smiled.) |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Written and Revised 4.11.04 When the subject of this peice comes across it, she'll know it's for her. I still can’t figure out why she let me Read through all her journals, read The scratches of her pen, forming Words of all the things she never had. Boys named Eric and Mike and Alex. Each one seems to be so stupid, yet They’re perfect targets to her aiming Love. She has all these feelings Swelled up in the bottom of her heart But they taste so sour, taste so chewed-up, Thick and sticky filth. No one will drink them Out of her. No one will let they’re tongues So near. She showers over and over And she still doesn’t know why no one Wraps their arm tight enough around her. Why all the kisses are just on her stomach And her cheeks. She doesn’t know. She just wants someone to absorb her, But she’s drenched in perfume. She’s just looking for her bull’s eye. But everyone is just so fucking square. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Written and thouroghly revised 4.11.04 This is for Egypt and I somehow know she'll understand. Always scrawling sad words on notebook paper. She’s shouting “READ ME”, though the letters Fall clumsily off her tongue. So instead she Swallows a pill, and listens to it slosh inside her. At lease it responds to this tan girl with tight curls and the heaviest world In her hands. She doesn’t understand that she is Turning, she is revolving around a universe of Lying suns and little cracking stars. Nothing is Real. All those feelings that she thinks she feels are Only the mercury spilling out of the center of the Broken stars. Dripping, dripping, like acid rain It melts the thickness of her skin and she’s so unsafe. I know that all she’s longing for is a hero…someone To save her soul. And all the stitches sewn across her Heart aren’t anything but creation. Her art. She Would give anything, anything to find a rescue, But she’s okay, she doesn’t need to be saved. Her Tight curls are hanging loosely now, and her makeup’s All smeared below her eyes. But I can see through them- A brain like a planet, but she just wants to have rings. She’s an angel who refuses to know she has wings. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | This one has a nice strong start then dies because Steve came over and I lost it. (Actually I fixed the ending just now when I typed it, it's a bitty bit better) Oh yeah and if u mix kisser and killer is makes KILSER yeah! 4.16.04 And this is why people cheat. Because they can't walk away with what could have happened plastered all over the walls of their weak minds. If they'd kept it all up there then it would have been fine. And this is why people suffer. This is why people sometimes die inside because they can't live without indulgence. And I'm sorry I killed you. I'm sorry I tried to kiss you. I don't even know why you're reading these words. Everybody already knows that life is nothing but a scrapbook of moments, each skull is nothing more than a bulletin board stuck with million trillion tacks. It would have pricked me to kiss you but I pulled out the pin and killed you I guess. I am everybody now because I finally know that life is nothing without screwing up for that one unscrewed-up second. Maybe less. And this is why people exist. To follow these screwed-up guts that make up the killers and the kissers that whe are. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | I just wrote this. For Sam. It has yet to be titled but I will title this one. Anyway, it's 4.16.04 and you can guess what (should have) went down. I think... I'm so confused because first it was me with my arm around someone and my eyes around another and it was Sam who sat with me on the cold ground while I wrote and wrote all the things I was thinking about the ferris wheel and the shadows and the way her lips fit nicely in her face. But I am lost in my own head, for I barely bothered to look up and watch her go by, spinning, spinning, like she does in my head. Sam was sitting right by me. Right there! I could reach out and touch her (I still don't know why I didn't.) And anyway she just wanted to be kissed. For someone to heal the scratches on her back. And though I am usually the one causing the marks I'd have kissed them better if it wasn't for the ferris wheel. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | I'm missing her voice today. It makes me smile, the little neon lights in it. So I guess this is for the better. So I guess this is for the better. She hung the little cartoon I drew her next to her bed. Next to all the photos of the boys. And she tells me she'll kiss my wings and steal my devil but while she's in the shower she thinks of someone else. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Am I that bad a person that I steal from Jesus? because my stomach is so big and my eyes are so small? I woke up this morning and stretched out on my bed like a dancer and splashed in the silence until my sister cannonballs in, kisslips fir the dog to come, jingling collar, so I have to dry my brain off and go downstairs like a good little girl and eat. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | And you say 'thank you' before hanging up. I mean it when I say I could hold you forever as long as you wear your brown hair down. You have so many boys but I'll pretend they're not there and I'll kiss you if only on the side of the face and I'll smile. I'll oil you when you stiffen up in the prescence of a spider and I'll brush your wings if you ask me to. I'll place flowers in your hair so all the devils will smell you, so all the devils will envy you. All these things I will do for you if you just let me is. Become blind to those other boys and I'll say 'thank you' before hanging up. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | First she laughs out loud. 'Everything is fine!' she exclaims, little flowers on her sea green maternity shirt. She just keeps laughing, like the world is so funny. Like the color of the walls were telling jokes. I slam another plate into the dishwasher, and she hands me the bottle of Ranch Dressing, and scolds me for not putting it away. And she laughs again, and turns to my father. She's got him wrapped aound her pregnant little finger, she thinks, and she cackles on. I wonder if the child inside her will develop these symptoms, these delusions of thinking that the world is stuck into her stomach like the needles she can't live without. The world is no bigger than the head of a pin. This is a funny thought, I know she is telling herself. I squirt dish soap and get some on the back of my hand and so it smells lemony-fresh for the rest of the night. I can't stop smelling my skin thought the scent disgusts me, and my father lies in my bed, rambling on about the moped he had when he was my age. I wonder if when I am his age I will find someone to impregnate with a laughing little angel, and be able to hear all the jokes from the walls. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Yes, this one is in Spanish. I had little use of a translator, because I actually am very good in Spanish. Anyway, if you understand it, you probably won't like it. So like it in Spanish, mysterious. ¿Le llamaré en otra lengua, pero si, usted contestará? ¿usted siempre de todos modos? Voluntad usted lleva a cabo mi mano mientras que pecado de yo y despluma las pocas plumas blancas pasadas de mis alas sucias sucias. (te amo.) amor de yo cómo se siente cuando usted los rasga de mí, cuando usted rasga fuera de todo el que importaba. Y le llamaré entre de mis labios asquerosos que se encrespan. Y usted contestará, Sé, o continuaré descomponiéndose. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Sour Sweet-Nothings Written in Greg's van, I was upset...well, I guess you could call it that... 4.24.04 you are my jewelry diamonds in your eyes– you cut me. you are my white blood cells my armor– you fight (for) me. you are embers– ashes of your complexion, falling. you blush in my prescence. you are my candy– sweet now, sour soon. puckering up... you are unknown in a maternity ward– even i don't recognize you here. you are the fingers you close around my ear and whispered into. you are a secret. you shouldn't have told me. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | 4.22.04 (You might not be able to make sense of it. Whatever.) Are you a dilemma, a disaster? I could forget you all together, You could come find me and kill me. You can keep writing me letters You can keep talking sweet, sweep me off my feet. But you're still only tripping me... again and again and again. You are the car when we're driving down the highway in the falling rain with the sunroof wide open. And you are the shadows, like bridges over the air. You are the urge to dance in front of my dad (the music is so perfect.) Everything is always just so perfect. Even when I fall on my face. Even when you come find me and kill me. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Nothing Exists... For Nick, who does exist... Written 4.21.04 One day you'll burst inside me, I read. Then you'll exist. Because every bomb wants to be embedded within the heart of a heartless bitch. And anyways, Joe and Anthony weren't explosives, they were nothing but morning glories, their vines wrapped around my heart. (Cat's Cradle with my veins.) I don't know who picked them, but they are still all tangled up inside me, and I'm hoping you can scorch them loose. Because no one exists as a person, nothing exists anymore– except this match... you scare me so much when I set you off. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | I just found this like minutes ago and finished it. Kind of ehhhh-y. (I just made that up! YAY!) Ok. Bye. Sounds downstairs, the creak of the bathroom door. I imagine her broken water all over the floor. I imagine my aunt sleeping on the couch when we awake at noon. She was supposed to wake us for school. We should sit by the phone. We should sit by some lost patience. We are all just patients here. I imagine we can sit still. But none of this is real except these tears. No one knows how proud I'll be. If I can find a way to conquer these fears. I don't even know if I'll be afraid at all. I don't know how this will happen, I keep thinking as the darkness fades into another empty day. No patience. No doctors. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | 4.23.04 Ramblings-on about my newborn brother, Oliver. Written in the hospital room. I have never been so protective of anything in my life. I will shower him in safety, he no longer has his wings to hide behind. What will be his armor? His blanket? Coat and hat? Someday he will be someone's Prince Charming. Someone's knight in shining something great. Cradled now, carried by blood. He has a body now, carrying someone he will someday want to love. He wrinkles up his forehead and squeezes his eyes shut tight when something changes, when he isn't sure that something's right. He breathes so heavily. I can feel his itsy-bitsy stomach against mine. In and out. In and out he breathes, against mine. And everything's right. Everythhing's fine. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Corridors I wrote this in the hospital while I was waiting to go back in and see my newborn baby brother. My father took me for a walk down into the lower levels of the hospital. Damn, was it something. 4.23.04 The mirrors follow us as we walk down thin thin white corridors. The voices from behind the walls plead. Out of the corner of my eye, the bloodiest face on a stretcher, all stretched out and demented. These walkways are narrow, they almost swallow me whole. I think I'm going nowhere. Everyone walks by with a limp and an accusing look in their eye. I try to watch the tiles (I'm not guilty. I'm so unbroken.) and there is no dirt anywhere. I scan a vending machine, as my tomach turns over, for any sign of relief. But a father-again in scrubs and gloves turns his head and my eyes creep back to the floor, all stuttery and blushing. I know inside the walls are x-ray machines and wires and tubes. Ever since I was little, I never much liked hospitals, they give me the chills. They'd stitch me all up and fill me with candy, so I would stay sweet, but it all starts to rot. And my age turns around and I pull the threads out. Taking something more that just string, my sanity. (This isn't sanitary!) Narrow and winding I lose myself here. I don't know where I'm going and I don't much care. As long as I make it out without patches or scars. I want to stay this nervous, rotten wreck that I am. This thin thin corridor of a girl that they've made me. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Ladylike I wrote this on 4.25.04 in the middle of the night. I'm just a thin girl with a handfull of thumbtacks, one wishful thinker can't destroy the world. These are the thoughts that curl up at the base of my brain as I step down the carpeted stairs in the night. I don't know how to build a bomb. I could never get out of this burning building, I'd burn alive. Alive. Alive. (Am I still alive?) Women and children first- Women and children holding hands. It's not polite to put oneself first. These are the thoughts that cause the world to die. Burned alive. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Not liking this one much, feels a little too empty....but maybe it's just me. 4.26.04 My mind has already decided that it will make some room for you. Like the peircings in my ears, you can slip in in bewteen... A stud, but only on the outside. Your crystal. I still don't know how cold you feel when you're stuck through my ear, for my nerves are frozen over, like icicles of wires. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | I wrote this while eating breakfast. Short and sweet. Fun fun fun. 4.26.04 Guzzle down a Coke with my morning dose. This pulse in my stomach, a thick heartbeat, as I sink my teeth into this buttery bagel. That's rain pounding down outside, isn't it? For just a moment, then it slows. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Rainbow or Chocolate? Written in the car with Lisa on 4.22.04, on our way back from the hospital at the Dairy Queen drive-up window. The head wouldn't drop down. The head wouldn't drop down. And so they slice her open. My eyes are so dark sapphire today. Mike knows what all of that means, for him, at least. For him. But is it fear? Are the jewels from the eyes of the fetus fallen into me? The cousins hungrily scarf down plastic cups of ice cream. They paint their lips in it. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | 4.21.04 Rambling... I think I believe in jinxes again. Actually, I never didn't believe. But good-looking waiters in good-looking shirts: (they're all so tall, they're all so red.) What's not to get? I'll stretch my light blue shirt around my shoulders a little more. And he vanishes into the kitchen. ~Gourmet What?~ It's like a movie, with the dishrag in one hand, and one of those grey pastic wash basins in the other. And the scene ends. Fade to black...(everything is red, everything is far too red.) |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | 4.21.04 You are the minister, I am the chapel. (Can foundation pray?) You're alive only to bless me. My brothers and sister are the fingernails, their mouths, blackboards. (No lesson to be learned here.) You can't hide behind a pillow! I'm going to have a brother tonight. I'm going to have a brother tonight. To watch a pregnant wonan swing and to know that that baby has MY BLOOD . Their excited voices echo echo echo in the crisp air. (Why is it so cold? Isn't good news supposed to cradle??) The playground is too red yellow blue for this afternoon. Later on, this world will find him, and color him black and white. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | 04.27.04 'If I keep holding my breath I'm going to disappear...' -Thursday The knife through his chest means nothing to anyone, except for those who have breathed against it. The glare from the sun on the flat silver reflects in the eyes, blinding everyone who tries to care about someone else. And the blindness turns to madness (a knife through the core of the earth) until the whole world is crazy. The whole world is getting angry. Keep raging on and on until everything is dying. No one left breathing on anyone's chest. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Crime of Passion 04.27.04 I've expired. I've expired inside your lips. My rotting body I'm dragging somehow back into behind your eyes. You're resting your head on my lap. I'm resting on the ends of your nerves, like a bed of nails I'm sinking into... Pull me back up by my strings. I'll be your little marionette. Pull my back up by my strings before I bleed you all out. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Eager to Please Written o4.27.04 Chipping away at hardened lips to find the small and hidden fossil kiss. Layers of rock, layer of skin. I'm not that hard to sift through... |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | 4.21.04 Just writing for the sake of writing. Right now I love everything periwinkle. Right now I'm feeling carsick, so carsick. Right now I'm laughing at burp and fart jokes. Right now the sunset makes me strawberry blonde. Right now I'm willing all the water in my body to break so I know what she'll feel like tonight. Right now I can hear her voice inside my head telling me all that stuff about the love of needles. Right now I am held down- We are held down by Murphy's Law. Right now I put down my pen. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | 04.29.04 I was bored out of my mind in Biology last period. Here goes: In Biology, supposed to be learning about gene mutations and my mind wanders to the sewers, green water and filth mutants rise. Like snakes with four eyes and rats that can fly and the twisting together of species somehow. And the slime and their blue blood and black guts and visible genes. I see my teacher there, four arms, deranged, distorted features, golden brown scales, serpents for hair. Breathing fire, like the words, rambling on, burn my bored-to-death ears and I still don't want to even pretend to care. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | 5.01.04 I wrote this one on the bus to North Hampton two days ago, and began to type it in Pride Zone, but got distracted. So here it is. Because safety pins trip me up like arrows aimed at my feet. Because fishnets trap me up like a mermaid under the ship. Because the bridge we are crossing as I write gives me a sudden sense of height. Because the crow suspended in midair- flapping its wings, beating the atmosphere- brings back the searing pain in my shoulderblades. Because there is a scratch on my arm and I don't know where it came from, I know I am unprotected. Because I have to save myself I have to stop writing this poem and just do it. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | 05.01.04 I wrote this in NoHo too...it was about a thousand degrees. That's all I have to say. With envy I sit in the wet grass. With envy of two strangers (as envy usually speaks) rolling on the ground, melting into each other- it's so fucking hot out here. We will all burn. But when the clouds roll overhead we will stiffen again and I wonder... (We're only wax!!) What shape will we take? I close my eyes and feel myself liquify... |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | This poem is kind of incomplete...I'm not happy with it. 'I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you...I'm with you.' -Avril Lavigne 5.8.04 To Be Friends Again For Danielle I'm sitting in thhe skating rink. I'm sitting in the past. Someones arm around me, doesn't matter who. Never mattered who. Your song to Rose or Amber or one of your girlfriends, I tried to dedicate it to you but you refused. You always refused. Your first kiss from a girl. IT WAS ME. But I'm not colorful enough for your hand in anything. Just Megan, not Crimson or Burgundy. It all just wasn't me. and all the things you said all the things you said. WHO'S RUNNING THROUGH YOUR HEAD NOW? I was never good enough fo you. Crystal could hold you, no questions asked. Clear as a diamond (not quite as sharp). and anyway, I can see through you both. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | 5.8.04 This one is really serious...I wrote it just for me strictly...but here it is...take it as you will. I envy things like Stephanie C.* and the way she stretches her little lip out, grinding her teeth, when she's worried (as am I) about dying. Just because of having the time of your life . It's her time, and it's her life, afraid to live it and live it right. If the cancer's there, the cancer's there. (We're only going to die.) She reminds the world, fearstricken. A little sex never did any harm until sex ed sets in. And the fear of the things you've done, because they're so very done - and they are why you fear you fear you are too. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | The Worst of Me 5.7.04 Upon returning from the mall. Everyone is finding their reason. you are the reason I cant start a new notebooke. You are the reason I play all the music that my ears have retired after so very long... You are each note. I fill my head with a thousand reasons. I fill my head with you. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | On Bryan II he's a needle he's only been a tool he's only been something to do he's only fulfilling your intentions of breing forever the world's pin cushion. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | On Bryan I bottom lip rings, you ring in my ear and my head so loud never through piercing |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | 5.8.04 Remember when you asked me if I was one hundred percent sure? Stimulate your fucking soul, wear out your young bodies how old we try to grow so fast. I watch you sleep I watch you aging... I look at me and what has become of choice of impulse of being in love (I love you.) Stimulate your fucking soul like this. Recycle everything you threw out when she left you to rot like compost; she dumped you. Now you shove all your waste into me. Little gnats all over my skin- your kisses...eating -away- at me. Catch a wisp of my hair between your teeth. Remember when you asked me if I was okay? Remember when you asked me |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Sex Pistols Redefined (There is No Spoon) 5.9.04 I like the lack of capitals and punctuation here. Makes it flow really nice. its only are all weve created a little girl your bullet shooting up into my arm into my womb my heroine my daughter shes a sculpture only art our crack-cocaine snorted cause we laughed so hard at the thought its melting on a silver spoon burning bending these bodies curve were stainless steel (there is no spoon) ill kill myself under your gunpoint ram it through my head ill laugh at the thought of painting with blood and brains and amniotic fluid water broken all over the bed were rolling shes only art shes sid were nancy we watch her bleed and adore the scene watch her swirl down the drain and we curl up inside our little silver spoon and remember cracking melting |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Bedroom Eyes II 6.4.04 When each little yellow capsule opens and swallows up a little red sip of her blood, he watches her sweet cells turn bitter, her sour lips turn blue. Her spectrum hands, soft black shirt slipping off golden shoulders. He watches as she walks though walls, as she turns water into wine. But he hates it when she acts like she's drunk. She's so sensitive, like gold. Yet so polished and silver and brass. Fragile as glass, he tries to hold her back. Three different color knots and still she floats away. A pink balloon, a neon kite. (The sky is biting her) and his white white tongue is SCREAMING out her name but the letters are absorbed into the little yellow capsules and though he knows all of her weak spots he too easily abuses all of his strength. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Mistress, you've done nothing wrong, unless you consider breathing a sin. Though the air you inhale is filthy and dry, You can blow it back out again. And anyway last night I sat, huddled in the corner of my room, smoking one of Matt's cigarettes and writing a poem for you. It was about feelings and the way I want to fall. It was about passion and the turquoise of your walls. It was about the joint that I'd wish you'd pass to me for once. It was about breaking through the locks that have held me for months. But I don't want to go back, I just want you to step up with me. I don't want that shit to bind you. I just wish I could set you free..... |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Mistress, this is for you and no one else. The only thing in disguise has been my fear. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough to save you. Maybe I've been so deaf to hear. Or maybe you just don't scream for me anymore. Maybe you don't ask for my assistance. I think that the drugs are just locks and chains and you've grown too weak to resist it. But I don't know what it is exactly, so I don't know what to say. If you still think I'm perfect, I still think you're wrong, but I'll stay here anyway. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | bloodstained16:monday, you are being forced to endure at least one real hug from me, for i need to prove that your still there. Alright, know what, I'm not done rambling for the night if I don't have to be...I made a decision when I started this journal that it would be for ME to write it...somewhere to spilllll my guts all over the place and not have to clean them up. People read imy words, and that makes me happy. It does. Matt isn't the only one who cares...I know this now. Bloodybiter487:there is no way in hell i could ever live without you here Bloodybiter487:i duno wat i wouldve done if i had lost you Bloodybiter487:a part of me would be gone SicTransitHero:...really? Bloodybiter487:yes really Bloodybiter487:you amaze me every time i see you and i mean it's not even becuz of any of your outside butbecuz i kno how you feel soemtimes and becuz you accept me adnd i can just be me around you without even worrying. i could be the ugliest person in the world and you'd still care about me Bloodybiter487:and your so just wow Bloodybiter487:you take up a good portion of my heart Bloodybiter487:it kills me to see you in pain I got off the phone with Mike because there were NO words being exchanged, and he wanted his pizza, and then he put on BD...and...I teared up. The BD thing is like a disease, I spread it, like the caffiene pills thing. But now everyone is addicted and chronically shaking and I want to take it all out of their systems but I can't...it's a part of them now. Not the same way as it is to me, but I caan't be selfish. I can choose to fight the pangs, but I can't demoolish them. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about Indie...whether there was Fitz or not, I couldn't act on my feelings for Sam, I'd hurt Indie. I think that's maybe what sizzled my feelings for her, that she's always so sad about things, I never got to see her happy. But Sam is always happy, except when she's upset about Mike, and she talks a lot about how no one wants her and that she wants to die and all of those things, but it's not like she's the next NickBrown. She can still smile. And her voice...awe, ir's so happy and full of energy. Oh, here I go telling Sam I like her...when she kissed me in NoHo...I was so completely blown away, like, I thought I would never get that chance and I did and it was all on her part and...wow....what a feeling. Matt and I are talking about loss and gain and death and rebirth. I am trying to get Perfectly Die out of my head now...:(....I am lonely, now I want to wade in this somewhat geeky-kind-of-cute patheticness and listen to the Postal Service. Today I added another song to the list of the most all-time bestest most heartwrenching tear-jerking songs ever to me. MxPx's 'Special Girlfriend'...for the first line. 'When I meet a special girl, she always lives somewhere else in the world...' It's true, Justin, Brad, Jared, Will (?), Brett, Hacky, Christoph, Ant, and...well...Nick Brown I guess. I know not a single one there is female, but distance changes everything and I absolutely hate it. But I heard this quote on the radio the other night in some song, Mom said it was the Eagles but then she said nope, it wasn't and she couldn't think of who it was. But anyway, I haven't forgotten a word of it: 'You can spend all your time making love, or you can spend all your love making time...' -apparently unknown It's too true...like Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades : 'You don't recover from a night like this, a victim still lying in bed completely motionless.......(this is so m e s s e d up.) ......' That song was on the list the night I first listened to the lyrics. JC, they were like a blow to the stomach...I don't know. Whatever. Everyone have fun stealing that song from me too!! While you're at it take 'Konstantine' and 'What a Good Boy' and 'Off the Hook' and 'Konstantine' and 'Crazy' and 'Konstantine' and 'Special Girlfriend' and 'Push' and oh yeah, 'Konstantine.' I am naming one of my little girls that. Maybe Beau, like a middle name. But Beau Konstantine is whack. We'd call her Tinie. Beau should be short for like Beauregard, right? But what about BEAUtiful? Because she is.So her full name can be Beautiful Konstantine. Beau. and then Chrysdolyn Felicity or Chrysdolyn Konstantine or Chrysdolyn Drus/cilla...and then Jacob, we decided on, but if any others in the future, (FAR FAR FUTURE) they are Deff. going to be Remington Pierce and possible Hike-Richael Allen, as originally planned. Those and Chrys. Felicity and Kidrey Danielle. Now that Dani Webster is a part of my life, maybe...her. I have a L O T of time to worry bout this. you have a way to capture me the things you say bring meaning to what I dont know I look at u and wonder what millions of things run thru u r u in love? did u stop beleving in love? U take the world in your pocket and me in ur heart wen i see you I understand y sum ppl smile for no reason -Maureen (N.H.) Madre approaching. I better wrap this up ( YOU JUST HATE ME CUZ I'M BLACK. ) I need to medicate and then piss and then drink lots of caffinated cola to keep me up until 2 when Josh supposedly gets home and then explain to him all the events of the past hours. Then attempt to read, make another water-glue collage (explain this one later i will because it is exciting and these i cannot scan and sound like dr. suess i do.) and then pass out, all the while scolding myself for not being able to stay up. But I lived through some kind of tragedy I guess...so...I think maybe I deserve a little sleep tonight. I'll see Josh tm if they swing by and drop me off while house-hunting...(o ya my mom is moving, she told me b4 i left on my little morning escapade...i was bummed, but now i think maybe it will be good to leave this area...after what happened and Steve being there and Braeburn St. and such. Dad, too. I need a lot of serious change.) Thank God. Thank you, Matt, Sam, Indie, Maureen, Greg, Patt...everyone who has been there for me through this and in the past. Thank you sooo much. I feel like I'm on an award show ('If I only had a brain...' -sb) so go 'head, change the channel. This show is way way over. I'm done. Turn me over. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | I just got home from Egypt's party, thank God I got an escape from my mind for a while. Julie was there, and this girl Stephanie who is really cute and yeah...we watched Scary Movie 3 and the George guy made me think WAY too much of Mike, and I missed him, and yeah....and a lot of the lines made me think of Patt because he was quoting them one day and he drew The Ring in my sketchbook at lunch and stuff and I still see it a lot so yeah...but anyway, we laughed a lot and invented the word PHILOSOPHIZE and ASSUMPTIONATION or something like that, I forget. But yeah, people in that movie got hit by cars a lot and every time I cringed all up inside...didn't know what to think...still don't. Yeah, I'll be fine...it just seems like of all the people I've told so far, Matt is the only one who has really truly cared, besides Steve the Mute, but I'm not sure if he cares really or is still trying to get in my pants. I can't stop thinking about everything, but I can't help it. I know I'm not the only one who wants to stop thinking altogether sometimes....right? I'm just so...I don't know. To many things for my own good, I guess. Mike says he will always be there for me...WHY ISN'T HE THERE FOR ME NOW!? I mean, I DO need him...he says I need Fitzy because I'm his girlfriend, but he's not here, he has no idea what even happened...and I just need someone to care for once. I didn't think that was asking too much, but now that I know it is, I'll shut up. All I ever seem to do when something happens, when I am upset, truly, or something like that, is ANNOY people, bother them. When I'm 100% spiffy, everyone wants to be there for me...is there something wrong with me? Honestly? Right now I'm trying to decide why I am typing all this into an online journal because it just makes me look like I'm begging for sympathy and I'm not, so this is dumb. I'm keeping everything bottled up from now on if I can, but I'm such a heart-on-my-sleeve kind of girl that I can't help it. I need someone. My Fitz? ...I really would honestly have preferred Mike to comfort me tonight, even if Fitzy was around...Mike can make me feel soooo much better about myself than anyone ever has been able to, I wish he could see that, I really do....It still hurts me all the time to see him, and then the other night when he asked what would I do if next time he saw me he just randomly kissed me, I really really wanted to say I would kiss him back...HARD. But I couldn't. It wouldn't have been right even if I didn't have a boyfriend. I miss being single, but when I am, I miss having people there for me without trying to get with me. I wish no one wanted to get with me and everyone was just a close friend. I'm going to call Mike now...I don't think anyone wants to continue to scroll down and read me ramble on and on about my stupid teen angst or whatever because there are more important things, like life itself. I learned that this morning, and know what...? ....I don't think it was really to my cost. I learned from it. If not to look both ways before crossing the street, but to keep my fear to myself...everyone has there one issues, and know what? I will be fine....(sigh.) Goodnight, sweet dreams. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | This is not an average entry, and it's so hard to type, so excuse any and all typos. I know my journal is so happy-go-lucky, so gleefull, random spillings of all that's swimming around like swan boats in the tunnels of love. But this is different. This is very different. Take this seriously...very very very seriously. There is no light at the end of the tunnel to go running to...it flickers out so fast, it's all gone so very very fast. Last night I was walking with Fitz to.....the new local dwelling........and I mentioned that I didn't believe in death...I am very solipsistic, so no, I didn't...I don't think. I mean, really think about it, when someone else dies, you experience grief and whatnot, you almost die inside, but to die yourself? To never smell, see, hear, feel anything ever again...and to be so unaware, yet not even so much as that. NOTHING. I couldn't lose it....God, I couldn't lose it..I can't even think about it without tearing up. But once it's gone, it's gone. A taste of death is nothing unless it is a taste of your own...I mean it. There were crowds of people asking me if i was okay, tons of them, strangers, caring for me? (!!!) I mean, I just...left the scene...it wasn't mine. I didn't want it to be mine. they could all have it, go home and said to their families and friends............you'll never believe what I saw so up close this morning...then again.....yeah, it's all too believable. But for me, I really don't think it happened, it seems so very unreal. it was just so.....fast. Did they just feel bad?? They all stopped and got out of their cars, maybe 10 or 15 cars backed up on a side street, because of me, lying on the ground, bent, like in the Hoobastank video, I guess...but a lot more real. Then again, not...it.....oh God. oh God. This can never happen to me. This will never happen to me. Did it?? In a way, I feel deprived. It wasn't much, no battle scars, not even a bruise where the pavement kissed me, no blood where the painted lines bit me. No proof that it even happened at all, just...flashbacks, and not even clear ones. bloodstained16: of course they were caring for you.....just think about it megan. how many of us would give our life to protect you? im sure i can believe, but anyone who hasnt been in the situation can only understand up to a point. i...i dont know...it just reminds of all of our mortality i guess. just that no matter what happens, where we all end up or anything, i love you and you know you can rely on me. I said last night that I believed in self-immortality, immortality of the mind, the soul I guess. Maybe even these temples that our bodies supposedly are. (Not a scratch, not a scratch) but...just...wow. We're...I don't even know what we are (or aren't). I haven't exactly explained the situation... Benjamin St...right lane, if you could call it a lane. The far one. Champagne colored car...old, cheerful kind of man...his wife, staying away...young man...20-30ish, his little ones, just...me, on the ground. I think. I don't know where I was, what happened exactly. I heard so very very very very loudly, as id there was no other sound but this, the thud of life against the hood, mirror, door of a plasticy, materialistic...........car. I felt like I was under the tire, if I wasn't so physically fine (I still don't know how this happened) then I would SWEAR I slipped beneath it. Maybe I did see the light, but it was gone so fast...I don't know what I was thinking. I really don't. All my thoughts were smudged out by the thud. . . . . 'Driving home to be with you the highway's divided, the city's in veiw. As usual, I'm almost on time. You're the last thing that's on my mind. Wish I could tell you the way that I feel, but tonight is the night I fell asleep at the wheel. no commotion, no screaming brakes. most of it's over before i awake... from the ceiling my coffee cup drips, while out my window the horizon does flips. THE WORSE PART WAS HITTING THE GROUND NOT THE FEELING SO MUCH AS THE SOUND. can't help but wonder if all this is real, cuz tonight is the night I fell asleep at the wheel. Rubberneck traffic and passersby. Slow-motion waltzer, the fir engine guy. Stand around with their mouths open wide... heard some idiot ask if someone's inside. With the jaws of life they tried and they tried... nobody here can know how I feel cuz tonight is the night I fell asleep at the wheel. (I guess it's over now, cuz I've never seen so much, never seen so much, never seen so much... I guess it's over now, cuz I've never seen so much, never seen so much, never seen so much... b l o o d...) In all the confusion there's something serene. I'm just a posthumous part of the scene. Now I'm floating above looking in as the radio blares and wheels spin. I can see my face slump with a grin and you. . . you're the last thing on my mind. you're the last thing on my mind. you're the last thing on my mind. you're the last thing on my mind.' -Barenaked Ladies |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Really really really sleepy, I am trying my best to focus my eyes on the little white letters on the black keys but it's not working to dandy...blech. Dammit. Now my eye muscles hurt. Okay, so you take it I just woke up, and yes, you are a mighty fine guesser. I just go tup to a call from Greg about Rocky and I wanna go soooo bad but it's so incovenient the nights that it is :( I'm bummed. Then my call gets cut off by the madre calling about whether I was going skating or to the mall, and I'm like Neither, Ma, hullo. Don't ya know nuthin?? Nahh, I was like Yo, the new joint...ya kno...the secret secksy one...yeppers. But now I deff have to get a hold of Fitzy and I don't know where he is...:-/ he didn't call me this morning before school, which is fine, but like, where is he now?? I just miss him and I haven't exactly seen him since last Wednesday so that's not too keeewwwwllll......bleh. I am still really tired. WOAH...it so sounds like something just fell on the roof.....SANTA!!!???!?!?!?!? OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG *presents fer meeeeeee!* Yeppers. Hold on, I will now depart to retrieve the gifts destined only to be in the possesion de moi...i mean, brb. *frown* *frown* *frown* *upsidedown smile* *frown*...osiewell. gtg. love. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Library. Bundles of fun, I know. F, just now I got to go on the orange swings and it was sexy and yep. But Marky-Mark-Creepy-Jimmy-Jim-James-I-want-your-last-name-Sexton was thurr and yep, he's an odd one. Unnyways, Katie is hurr with me and she it typin too....yippe....I am bored and all sweaty from Gymeven tho we only SWUNG. Right now I am going through a crisis of whether or not SWINGED is a word. And then I decided I don't really care!! This morning Vinny was dropping off Tasia as usual and I wansn't in the caf I was outside with Matt and Nicki and Tougie and I ran over to say Hi to Vin and Arcadio comes over like Let's go, Let's go..and pulling me away I'm like JC Arcadio WTF!? So I follow Matt and Nicki and Tougie across to the arena for some s t r a n g e reason and DJ and ...sarah... were there I guess as usual but I wouldn't know and oh yeah, WOULDN'T CARE FOR MY LIFE!! Anywhoo...I saw Maureen smizzoking and I was like bllaaaahh hun u can't keep on doin that :( and she was talking to um...this girl who did her hair like me though she did it before me thats the only way I know her. Yep. But they were talking about stuff and Maureen said she got to make out with Brenda and she was all excited about it and then I was like bllllaaaaah summore so when Brenda came trotting over I left and joined the rest a the gang...Matt, Nicki, Tougie, Deej, and ........sarah. They were talking about Pyro-day which apparently today is so I just sat and attempted to, yet again, sketch Matt. I'm telling you, that's what the fucking movie Mission: Impossible should have been about because know what, it is! And Nicki and I talked a bit, actually she kept cracking up for NO reason so I was laughing at her a lot too and there was just tons and tons o' laughin' goin' down. The end! Speakin of going down...I miss my Fitz so much, I really do. Katie is here and I am thinking about how some ppls call her Fitzy too because her middle name is Fitzgerald and anyway I don't see why she doesn't like her name, it's so pretty-Kathryn Fitzgerald Foley-so I think she will be Kathy from now on...(*Katie I betcha you're reading this with a GRR face on...mwah, i love ya!! haha) Okies, I am sooooo fucking female these days, so today I a little bit better pulled a Dani Webster but I wanna shave my head and go GQin at Eblens (Dad: 'Do you suppose Eb and Len are gay?') and then I can be her...Speaking of... I was thinking about it, and I am a bit like Dani, I really really really really really am, though I bet ya all think I'm crazy for saying that (those of you who read The Game ) but I am!! Not like you all probably see me, but I am!! And on Cut ,I am not not not Callie. I am not! I am like...the Amanda/Manda. I am. Yep. Callie's got the amazing insight thing like I do, but she could pull off not talking to anyone...it is 12:24, but I think they're gonna hold the bell for a while. Okay, so I'm deff deff not Scratch...she's like the Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted ...Okay, let's talk about something important...last night I was on the phone with Fitzy, but I wasn't exactly. I'm getting a lot better at Astral Projection, and I love it, it is my escape, my cure. I can run away inside my head and run my hands through the waves of his hair and feel him crash all over me...I wrote that last night, you like? I'm thinking of writing a book a la Francesca Lia Block ...or a Koertge like Brimstone Journals thing going on, all in poetry. That would be such a challenge for a writer like me though because I am like obssesed with details. I am thinking about what it would be like to be blind...to never be able to see colors or angles...or to be deaf, never get to hear your sweet whisper in your ear and all that romantic crap. That makes me think of Donkey which makes me think of Noble Steeds and Stallions which makes me think of the Faun I drew in MCAS and he's pretty gorgeous, but that makes me think of Arcadio trying to tell me he takes the form of a taur and he's like asking me the diff between a taur and a tyr and I'm like okay, so how you gonna tell me what I drew if you don't know? This makes me mad. I chain think. You know how some people like chainsmoke, well I chain think, REAL BAD. (adhd its not my fault I swear) but yeah urm that makes me think of this poem I wrote once about Batteries Included Jeff, aka Jeff Chewy...about that time he came and talked to me about ADHD and that I should start smoking pot because it will mellow me out and I was trying to picutre him as a young'n and it was soo cute cuz he's a cutie as it is, bein 20 and all. I am going to write a Love/Hate poem about Fitz, like I did with Mike, but I don't know if I have much to draw from because it's seeming like our whole relationship is one big dream, a cloud of pixiedust that I'm trying to peer through, it's all energy. Whoopsie, bell. More later. Love. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | I am on the phone with Fitzy. Mike just called me Hott Stuff and I bit my lip and it hurts :(. I was singing 'Annihilation of the Generations' and it was hot. I drew a really good sketch just freehand off the top of my head of this girl and I am calling her Velle. She was pale and gorgeous and then I got shit on the picture and so I had to darken her hair and I freaked...ask Matt, I was on the phone with him at the time. I only have a second to type though as usual...it's 9:28 and I have a 9:30 curfew...I will say some significant things. In GSA, I almost cried. Ms. Horowitz is leaving!!! Oh my god!! Her mother is sick, and she's moving to NY and Northup is taking over but that's beside the point. It's really sad. She's the Rena. (RGH, look what you guys got me saying!) But yeah, Fitzy will 'brb' and I can here Bryan in the background and he sounds like a dying brontasaurus and now come to think of it he looks like one too! I really really really don't like him. Icky icky. Anywhoo...I really love Fitz (*joshie*)...I really do. He makes me smile, he's the only one who, upon asking me to do something that will cheer me up, I actually do it instead of pretending to. I talked to Schizo Meg on the way home today for like literally an HOUR but I guess it was actually really cool. I have to go medicate now. Is anyone actually reading this? One time I was listening to 89.9 and this kid's on there like 'is anyone actually listening to this? I'm on the radio talking to the airwaves and no one is listening....' it was weird because I was listening....I was like REBELLIOUSNESS YEAH! Okie so in GSA Jeff and Kyle-Kate like gave GOODBYE SPEECHES...it was really realyl really sad. I mean, really. And I, personally, had a convo with Jeff because he saw me sketching Maureen and was saying how I was really really good and it got into like should a person have to really choose between being an artist or a writer, or like having one be their specialty over the other. It was pointless, but one of those conversations that are just nice to have, ya know? Like the Schizo Meg convo...it was kinda nice to spill my guts...'...as I rip my self wide open on this stage while I am paid to spill my guts...o I would kill for the Atlantic, but I am paid to make girls PANIC while I sing...' -bn...I think I should wrap this up because Fitz wants to talk and I want to hear his SECKSY voice...and then I'm going to shower and medicate and read this dumb Echo book with this secksy guy who is an angel. It's neat-o. And her mother dearest lies on the kitchen table naked with crystals all over her taking in all the light and the rainbows and I want to be her so I told Matt that I am her from now on the end. Okies, I'm leaving...Don't miss me ...(EXCUSE ME.)-Dobbs. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | In the library, I don't really even want to finish my earlier entry really. I don't have much else to say though...ehh, the MCAS math part SUCKED but I got to miss 1/2 of E so it was all good. Nicki came and caught me on my way in late this morning to get the book from me to give to Matt because he was going to Ethan's or something and then coming back for all 3 lunches....come to think of it I should probably go find him now, but whatever. Anyway, yeah. So GSA is in 30 minutes when I'm done writing, though I'm not sure I even really want to go. If I remember correctly (because yes, I am medicated today) Matt won't be there....don't know about Nicki, but that's of less importance...doesn't sway my choice. But yeah, I guess I'll go to see Maureen and Tiff...Mostly Maureen...I liked GSA last week...it was....nice. I'm not looking forward to hearing *coughHER-DICTATORSHIPcough* (and by that I mean Dictatorshi T .)but I'll sketch a bit. I was supposed to sketch Kelly too, but I haven't been able to. In honesty, at first I really didn't even want to, but you know what? I think, I might as well...as long as she understands that it will be like the first picture I've ever like given away EVER so I'll need so much as to scan it first. And then Amanda Peliteer asked me to draw her somehting before she leaves to hang in her new place in FLA when she graduates. That's 2 by next Friday! Ehh, THEN I have to do the Cookie/Jackie sketch I want to do for them for a grad. gift because when ya get right down to it, Cook's my brother. He may be a complete idiot and he may have hit me for no reason every two seconds when I was little, but I got used to it and I love him...plus Jackie GQed him all up! She's wicked good in my book. Anywhoooo...My hallucinations are getting worse. It's not good. I mean, I used to be used to them, and then I got used to the meds as like a rat poison for them or something. They were totally gone and I guess that was fine. But now they are back, and they stick...they don't just come and go. The up-side is, D-N is back around. I think that's a good thing...I don't know what he's there for, but when he is there, it gets me thinking about stuff, it's like....excersize for my third eye or whatever you want to call it. I don't know. I'm rambling, I'm sorry. Friday night I have no idea what's going to go down. (Heh, heh) but actually, yes I do. I really really do. I'm not going to the mall. All of you who are reading this and expect me, get it now. I will not be there for any reason whatsoever. And (I'm gonna get hit for this one I bet...) I'm not going skating. *FLINCH* Sorry, guys...no, I'm not though. I'm going to the new local dwelling with hopefully *Joshie* and maybe Matt will meet us there, if people don't pull the whole guilt thing on him or whatever...Mike does that, and I thought I gave in too easily. Ehh, Matt is so much there for everyone that I don't think he ever really knows what he truly truly wants, and if he does, there is someone else pulling him from it, making him think that he wants something else. Poor Matt, I guess...ehh, I love him anyway, he's my best friend in the whole wide world and I hope we can get together Friday because we don't chill enough. But if he has something else to do then that's what he's gonna do and I respect that. Matt needs freedom. He really really does. I hope Sam will tag along, too. I think it will be a P E R F E C T environment for her. For the 4 of us. Mr. DiVenuto is the man. He's all 'whhoooo there's a typist right there....you know, at that rate, you can make a LOT of $$ in college. In my day, I could do like 75 wrds/min and we had typerwriters, not computers....phhhew I made a looot of $$.' Yep. He's the man. Anywho, erm, where was...oh yes...Sam. Yeah, it would be a really great time, I know it. I've really reasoned out who should really madly deeply be there without bringing half the mall, because I mean, the point of it all if breakaway, I guess. Change, maybe? I don't know...maybe like just an escape? Something better? Closer contact within reason? I mean, it's a bunch of stuff I guess, but the point is that I just want OUT of the mall. Us 4 would be the best, if it works. Few things I plan work...so I don't have high hopes at all.... I have like, a ton on my mind right now, so I guess I'm just rambling on and hoping a lot of it spills. Like this: Last night Dad asked h y p o t h e t i c a l l y if we were to move to somewhere where I'd have to change schools would that totally and completely bother me and I didn't have to answer...my eyes did. And that's a good sign. I know I have my 'looks' and people who know me well know by now what a lot of those looks are and what they mean. I have lost my ability to fully communicate with my eyes, I think. Or maybe no one just understands and can read them anymore. I don't know. Why am I hitting the keys so hard all of a sudden ? Dad was also talking about cutting of all the cell phones except like Amy's or whatever for assorted reasons. It wouldn't be a total loss, I never exactly talk to anyone anymore or use the AIM on it or even the camera, so what would it matter? Yeah there would be less freedom I guess..but I can live with that. It is 12:25 and the bell rang as I was typing the time, so this is goodbye. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | 'when you see me on the street don't believe my face, you can bet i'm a muthafuckin basketcase...' -BedDestroyers Depression Morning all...oh, god, don't make me get into the BD thing. Not now. Anyways...I don't even really feel like writing, I only created this journal so I could have something worthwhile to do in the library at school now seeing as I have given up hope on getting any work done on urlLink my site and I haven't been as good about my poetry lately as I have been...so yeah, here is my solution. Time isn't the coolest thing in the world. It's really not. I mean, look at yesterday...SUCKED. (The entry is it's own little page at the moment, don't feel like copying and pasting it.) Okay yeah, but here's the deal...TIME. I hate it. I really do. I've always pretended to like, love it, but I really don't. I'm still recovering from yesterday, I can't stand another bad day if they expect to keep lowering the medication. I mean, seriously, though. Because I called Matt back last night as soon as I was off the phone with *joshie* to certify thay he'd be at the flagpole in the AM so I can give him that book so he can read it and get it back to me on Friday because yesterday wasn't successful on that subject. But NO. Amy has to wake me up with a 'you- do -know-it's-7, right?' and I FLIP. Of course, my throat feels like someone hacked through it with a hacksaw (that is what one does with a hacksaw, right? I'll post-it that one...) Okay, I only have like 2.5 seconds to type because I have been sitting here waiting for MOM to get me and bring me to school late. NOT COOL. I don't see why Cookie can't get off his puny white ass and drive me, HE HAS TO GO ANYWAY, but whatever. *Joshie* called me this morning to wake me and I couldn't talk :( so yeah, sorry about that, Dad just called me in to talk about my Meds...about have u missed any doses? you don't wanna miss doses... okay GREAT THANKS! Gtg, mother's arrival. More at noon. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Before I explain last night, here is my day...the important stuff anyway. I HATE DRAMA. I like Sam. A lot. So much, that I was actually considering thinking about leaving Fitzy for her. That's pathetic, I know. And that patheticness has only been proven farther. This morning I asked her if she would ever consider being with me. She said maybe, she'd have to think on it...but probably. She tells this to Mike. She tells everything to Mike...her best friend. And so come the threats. He IMs me: 'You're on my shyt list' and later 'Stay the fuck away from Sam.' They're together now. Congrats to them. Don't know what happened to Mike. Guess I've always known he's like this. But yeah...I don't care who reads this. I will tell the fucking world...because 'keeping quiet is hard, cuz you cant keep a secret if it never was a secret at all.' She can tell Mike things I don't want him to know, I will tell the world what she probably won't be happy about me showing. I'm not doing this to be a bitch or to hurt her... I'm doing this so I don't have to relive this heartbreak. TeArStAiNdSoUl6:whats wrong? TeArStAiNdSoUl6:you did the face thingy TeArStAiNdSoUl6:??hello?? TeArStAiNdSoUl6:i take it you dont want to talk to me TeArStAiNdSoUl6:awright then cya SicTransitHero:hey SicTransitHero:hi SicTransitHero:sorry Auto response from TeArStAiNdSoUl6: TeArStAiNdSoUl6:In my room,call me if you want 781-6238..alone.... A beautiful sunrise I wantd to share Wantd u To be there U chose another path Aside my heart was cast In sadness I sit here alone Wishin I would have known Ur a spirit I cant capture Ur the reason for my rapture A sweet dream I never had The one who causes me to hurt so bad Waited for u time and again thinkin maybe u would begin To feel this love I have for u To know how true Love could be If u could only see Wishin I would have known ur a spirit I cant capture Ur the reason for my rapture A sweet dream I never had The one who causes me to hurt so bad Feel like a kid again Trying to catch night bugs Knowing no matter how well it goes Should I place u in my jar u would be dead by tomorrow A spirit killed by capture The reason for my rapture A sweet dream I never had The one I want so bad SicTransitHero:whut is with mike>> SicTransitHero:????? TeArStAiNdSoUl6:what doya mean SicTransitHero:he IMs me n says 'ur on my shyt list' n then signs off or blocks me or whatever SicTransitHero:and i dont kno why TeArStAiNdSoUl6:he knows what you asked me TeArStAiNdSoUl6:i tell him everything, and that popped up TeArStAiNdSoUl6:ur mad at me arent you... TeArStAiNdSoUl6:im sorry! SicTransitHero:keeping quiet is hard. . .because you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start TeArStAiNdSoUl6:....goddess....im sorry SicTransitHero:leave me alone ok TeArStAiNdSoUl6:fine SicTransitHero:i....i cant believe you TeArStAiNdSoUl6:s TeArStAiNdSoUl6:then dont TeArStAiNdSoUl6:i cant force you to so why should i bother TeArStAiNdSoUl6:you never told me not to tell him SicTransitHero:it was kinda obvious that when i first said something that i asked if anyone was around SicTransitHero:and you know how mike is SicTransitHero:so come on TeArStAiNdSoUl6:well sorry hun, ill leave you alone SicTransitHero:good SicTransitHero:im losing everyone TeArStAiNdSoUl6:your pushing me away TeArStAiNdSoUl6:so whatever TeArStAiNdSoUl6:ill go SicTransitHero:so why bother holding on TeArStAiNdSoUl6:because i dont fucking need to loose another TeArStAiNdSoUl6:but whatever TeArStAiNdSoUl6:goodbye SicTransitHero:im not pushing you away, you caused mike to push me away SicTransitHero:and make me afraid to want you SicTransitHero:terrified to love you, to feel for you at all SicTransitHero:and no one should be able to do that to anyone else SicTransitHero:so im staying away TeArStAiNdSoUl6:well i jsut cant seem to do anything right now can i? the simplest solution to fearing that shit is to stop, everyone else does it SicTransitHero:keeping quiet is hard. . .because you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start TeArStAiNdSoUl6:bye megan SicTransitHero:I CAN'T HELP IT!! SicTransitHero:it was all hypothetical anyway, and why is he mad at me because of that??? its not like hes with u TeArStAiNdSoUl6:if you want me to leave you alone, then stop talking....its only making this harder then it already is TeArStAiNdSoUl6:for me anyways SicTransitHero:ya and u telling mike made everything harder for me TeArStAiNdSoUl6:welcome to my world megan SicTransitHero:you dont realize what you've come to mean to me, and dont argue that because if you did you'd not ave told him SicTransitHero:*have TeArStAiNdSoUl6:just stop talking, iv made shit alot worse, so why the fuck are you still bothering me? just go on and make things better for urself, leave me like everyone else, goodbye SicTransitHero:IM BOTHERING YOU? TeArStAiNdSoUl6:no ur not fucking bothering me! god dammit i fucked things up hun, you want me to fucking leave you alone, so im doing it! SicTransitHero:dont fucking guilt trip me okay, youre the one who screwed this up, all i wanted to do was care about you, to love you. . . TeArStAiNdSoUl6:god dammit megan, i REALLY do like you but oh well, i fucked up things now so i get to push those feeligns away, stop talkign to me and youll be fucking fine, im not putting the fuckig guilt trip im telling you to do what you told me to do SicTransitHero:im not going to leave you whether everyone else does or not, if you really like me you shouldn't have to push those feelings away...if anyone does its me because i am losing friends over it and there is NO WAY i am losing you because of mike, you have to stop letting him interfere SicTransitHero:if i stop talking to you itll just get worse TeArStAiNdSoUl6:your the fucking one who told me to leave you alone SicTransitHero:but whatever TeArStAiNdSoUl6:you fucking told me to go away remember???? i never wanted you to SicTransitHero:i...i'm sorry Auto response from TeArStAiNdSoUl6: TeArStAiNdSoUl6:......just kill me....... SicTransitHero:sam? TeArStAiNdSoUl6:what SicTransitHero:are you alright? TeArStAiNdSoUl6:im fucking peachy SicTransitHero: SicTransitHero:sorry SicTransitHero:can i ask you something? TeArStAiNdSoUl6:what SicTransitHero:do you want me to listen to mike and RuneBladeWielder:keep the fuck away from sam. or do you want me to care SicTransitHero:not that i ever can not care, but should i act on it or stay away? TeArStAiNdSoUl6:do as you wish, its not my decision SicTransitHero:yes it is TeArStAiNdSoUl6:your the one that told me to go away SicTransitHero:it was your decision to tell him, you were mature enough to mkae that one. TeArStAiNdSoUl6:i tell my best friend everything SicTransitHero:i told you to leave me alone, not to go away, im upset SicTransitHero:but if he is your best friend i honestly dont understand why he has the right to keep you from being happy SicTransitHero:that's not a friend SicTransitHero:a friend wouldn't threaten people because they care about you too SicTransitHero:a friend should let you live your life SicTransitHero:a friend should understand that you have your own feelings SicTransitHero:a friend shouldnt control you SicTransitHero:or the people you like TeArStAiNdSoUl6:hes more then a friend megan SicTransitHero:sic transit gloria mundi TeArStAiNdSoUl6:what? SicTransitHero:i know, sam...i know. SicTransitHero:i thought i could be too TeArStAiNdSoUl6:you go out with fitzy, he asked before you broke up with fitz SicTransitHero:sic transit gloria mundi, it means 'so passes away the glory of the world' TeArStAiNdSoUl6:if you werent going out with fitz still, i woulda gone out with you TeArStAiNdSoUl6:but its a little late now SicTransitHero:i wasn't asking you out, i was asking you if you would ever consider...even if i wasnt with him i wasnt asking you out...and what a great boyfriend to threaten other people you care about...seriously sam. you know mike, youre not going to be with him forever anyway... SicTransitHero:so im not gonna give up on you, whatever it takes SicTransitHero:and im not going to break up with fitz anytime soon because this has put things into perspective for me TeArStAiNdSoUl6:good SicTransitHero:someone who cares about you should respect you and your feelings and give you space and let you live... TeArStAiNdSoUl6:i dont want space right now love, i really dont need space, i need someone to always be like he is TeArStAiNdSoUl6:i need to be controlled TeArStAiNdSoUl6:otherwise im not a loyal mate TeArStAiNdSoUl6:nor a loyal friend SicTransitHero:so let him control YOU. not me. TeArStAiNdSoUl6:dont let him control you SicTransitHero:he shoudlnt be trying! TeArStAiNdSoUl6:he cant ifyou dont let him TeArStAiNdSoUl6:i dont know hun, i just dont know SicTransitHero:i dont want to be threatened by him, i dont want him to push me away because of my feelings when you share them with me TeArStAiNdSoUl6:do you want me to tell him that? SicTransitHero:he should be more open and not stupid and realize that if hes with u nothing will happen between me and you anyway, and just let it go SicTransitHero:why bother asking??? YOU TELL HIM EVERYTHING, REMEMBER!?!?! TeArStAiNdSoUl6:omfg, megan...im just gonna go away SicTransitHero:I'm so confused because first it was me with my arm around someone and my eyes around another and it was Sam who sat with me on the cold ground while I wrote and wrote all the things I was thinking about the Ferris wheel and the shadows and the way her lips fit nicely in her face. But I am lost in my own head, for I barely bothered to look up and watch her go by, spinning, spinning, like she does in my head. Sam was sitting right by me. Right there! I could reach out and touch her (I still don't know why I didn't.) And anyway she just wanted to be kissed. For someone to heal the scratches on her back. And though I am usually the one causing the marks I'd have kissed them better if it wasn't for the Ferris wheel. TeArStAiNdSoUl6:f i see you around....i see you around....do as you wish from here on out without me because i dont know what you want from me right now, im wicked confused....goodbye SicTransitHero:by leaving you're only giving up. you are choosing to stay confused rather that understanding and fixing everything. i don't want anything from you now...not anymore..i just don't want to be threatened for liking you whether i act on it or not...i dont want to be made guilty for feeling. ever. you shouldn't either, sam. i don't know what else i can do, i only know that i don't like seeing you confused or hurt or anything because of what he does to you. when he leaves you and such, you are devastated...i know it, everyone knows it. he hurts you again and again and what makes it hurt so bad is that you can't stop loving him well know what? this is what you are doing to me by telling him things that aren't his business, by letting him control you so much that he's trying to control me. you know how bad it hurts. it's gotta hurt a lot worse to inflict that pain on others. Auto response from TeArStAiNdSoUl6: TeArStAiNdSoUl6:......just kill me....... TeArStAiNdSoUl6:....it does.... This is my entire entry for tonight. For a while. My reckless abandonment had led me back to paper... and I like it that way. My feelings are mine. Threaten me, but now your hatred has no backbone. You asked for it. Sic Transit Gloria Mundi. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | LAST NIGHT WAS AWESOME!!! I don't really have much time to explain. I will write later, I just wanted to let all of you peoples know that I haven't forgotten about you. I will be back. Don't worry. Love n sex n PLUR over n out (TALLY HO) hahaha |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Library. Last night I didn't write because I was really really upset. I went to Dr. T yesterday and he's like talkin about going up and up and up with my meds. This morning I took a double dose and I'm feelin pretty damn fine if I do say so muhself. I'm sh-sh-shaking a whole lot. Last night I got some bed news. THE LITTLE OLD LADY MOVED OUT OF HER SHOE AND MY MOM IS MOVING IN! That's right. I am moving to Chicopee. That is so bad. Bad bad bad bad bad. I cried for hours last night. Everything today is reminding me of lines in Thursday songs, I don't know why. This morning I walked to the bus, got on the bus, made fun of the rap with Tougie...Got to school, let Nicci* like hang all over me, went into the small caf cuz the big caf was taken fer senior brunch, then as I was walking over to the table I passed Jake and he pulled me like over and on his lap and like flipped me all over the place and I thought I was going to die but it was nice. It was fun. Then I ran around trying to find B block's class cuz we weren't in the auditiorium and so I found em in 225 and we watched KATIE DO 'LITTLE GIRLS' and it's sooooooo funny. It's hot tho, I must admit. Thank GOD I don't think Katie ever reads this journal because I really like her so much. Matt said something the other night about 'if anyone can turn katie bi its u megan'...I WISH IT WAS THE EASY!! I REALLY DO because yep, she's amazing! Urm...anyway...let's not talk about my little plans..he he okay sOoOoOo ya B was fun. Then we went to C, and it was alright, like usual, and Jake like wouldn't let go of my hand the whole period because he didn't want me to leave, as in leave Central or SPFLD or both. Anyway he put on my sweatpants and wore them thru C and while he walked me to D, it was cute. BUT WHAT IS WITH GUYS ALWAYS PUTTING ON MY SWEATPANTS!?!?!?! Seriously? Then in D Patt was there and he is hott and yep. Okay so we watched the class day thing on the telly and me and .........sarah............ sat and talked about the meanings of life and i had to try and convince her that i don't have BORDERLINE because she has it and is convinvced like everyone else does. So then I was just like ok whatever I don't really like you. And went back to my story which I wicked figured out. E, we got in a fight with Ms Lee because she gave the whole class detention because the creepy purple hands hunchback sub lady we had yesterday told her that someone in our class stole the attendence lists. People are dumb. Then I came here and Egypt is here and Arcadio just showed up and zippety-do-dah we are getting KRRRRRRUNKED. That is a word Egypt found in some random persons journal that just popped up and she doesn't knwo what it means, so it is out word. Okay, I am going to go do something else on here because I cannot concentrate. Ps. The Senior Prank is great this year!! I'll tell you about it later. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | I forgot my medicine this morning. It wasn't intentional. I did. But things like last period (F) are perfect examples of why I made this whole reckless abandonment decision. I was in gym, and alright, I was okay, so yeah, I'd actually play volleyball instead of avoiding the ball for the hell of it. Yesterday somehow it ended up being literally 20+ people on each side of the net. It was just like, who could slam the ball harder across the gym, then run for it and do it again. It wasn't volleyball. It most deff wasn't. I didn't give a shit yesterday. I just stood quiet and stepped to the side when the ball came flying viciously at my FACE. But today, okay it was like Marky-Mark-Jimmy-Jim-James-I-want-your-last-name-Sexton, Steph B. Steph C. that black girl and I. It was fun. Then people kept jumping in the middle of the game, but it was okay because I was actually playing, which I love to and usually do, but they all assumed that I was always what I was like yesterday. SoOoOoOoOoOo...then A M A N D A-im-a-barbie-girl-W E S C O T T jumps in and okay, let me first say hat I don't know what her problem with me has been from the beginning, but she has not liked me and given me all kinda of real subtle shit in the past. Yesterday real bad. But today thet fat-fuck-freshman who whips the ball at everyones faces not knowing his own strength (in ANY GAME HE PLAYS) im not kiddin either, jumps in and like whips it at me so i duck rite...it woulda been outta bounds. N everyone who just showed up n didnt see me hitting the ball more than anyone else before is like IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HIT THE FUCKING HIT THE BALL SIT DOWN! YOU DONT WANT TO FUCKING PLAY, SIT THE FUCK DOWN and I'm just like omg it was clearly out. n basically the same thing happens again tho it wasnt even a 3 feet within the spot where I was standing, but literally everyone like stops and turns and just looks at me, it was like a cartoon. So I flip. I mean, jesus christ, I flipped. So I just leave and go sit in the weight room with all the 300lb black girls and their Usher. Then they put on 'Burn' and tears are pouring down my face, but they're too tough to talk to the crying little white girl (THANK GOD) so i was left alone. I went back in and changed, did a lap around thishalf of the 1st floor waiting for the bell, and then on the way here Jimmy-Jim-James comes up to me and is like hey r u ok? and im like no not really...he's like well ya kno i didnt mean to hurt ur feelings or anything im like ya i kno, its not that, its just, yesterday i didnt want to play because i was in fucking pain because i got hit by a car this weekend and hes just like OOOh. and im like yeah. and then i go on, well so i wanna be in a good mood and play today n everyone takes the game so fucking seriously and hes just like well sorry and walks away back to lunch. ehh, whatever. it's not like he's one of my close friends....he's not. ive started seeing him that way, but I really don't know why. He's cool, but like, I think he's scared of me or thinks im like a total freak or something. I don't really care. I don't. But yeah...they just HAD to play 'Burn', right? Nocera called me Elfie in the hall a minute ago and I almost like forgot I was Elfie. That side of me has died. I think. I know that I am schizophrenic, but like, all these old sides of me are shining back through my big open pores and I cannot minimize them. Haha, that was so corny. Ahh, don't make me laugh. I lerned a new exercise, a meditation one. About putting a hole thru my fucking head. It works. It's hard to explain, so I won't. I don't really know what else to say right now...I've been thinking about taking this journal, because I write in it so much, to a character, and edit it a lot, ya know, but make it like a story. I have been meaning to piece together The Diary of Ellen Chevelle ...but I don't know why I haven't. Probably just the same reason why I have only ever finished two stories. I have a ton! - Ronnie and Nadine - Beautiful People - The Diary of Ellen Chevelle - Sanctuary - In Vegas - that Emily Lime story - that Allen and Delia story - Silent Keegan - the execution story - Tearstain Between part. II etc. I don't ever finish anything. I don't like not being able to finish things.I really don't. I am getting very bored with this journal. I am. I need to motivate myself back into writing in it constantly. I am redoing my site (again) i know. But I am so pleased with this new layout. The last one was all experimental with pics and marquees and such, and I am now making it all work. And yes, I believe a lot of you will be pleased with the new color sheme. I am going to get polls back on it and a personal feedback button, I want my guestbook to fill up with things...comments, questions, suggestions, recommendations, ideas, jokes, stories, 'shout outs' haha, or just type in it for the hell of it. My goal will be like 404 (worthwhile) entries/month. Think we can do it guys? I mean, there were 838 hits as of last night, so once it's bigger and better you never know. The bell is going to ring in 2 or 3 minutes, so I better wrap this up. I have something to say about Fitzy and my relationship with him. Something is missing...I don't know what it is. The same exact thing happened with Matt and I. That was the bell. I have homeroom, but gotta publish. Over and out. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | I don't like this. I am in the library, though I am starting to believe it is useless to say that every single day in here. You get the point. Anyway, today was dayone of my Reckless Abandonment. Yes, I spoke. I didn't think I wouldn't...I knew I would, I had to. And there were times when I had to give in just to hear my own voice. This will come gradually to me, I know it will. I've known it. Lara is in the library. She is on the computer near the front where Keith usually is. Actually there are two computers there, but only one is ever taken. NOW I KNOW WHY. He is sitting next to me. I am not generally a mean or prejudiced person, I'm not. I just...it's uncomfortable. I'm trying my best here. Anywhere, where's Matt when I need him? Oh no, wait, he's talk to much and make me talk back. Last night I got 194 IMs when my away message was up introducing my silence, and saying that at 404,404 I will return. I still intend to reach that goal, so I will add the nights, the IMs and speak to no one. If you catch me at a good moment on a good day, I will talk to you on the phone. I am getting nausiated. I really am. I don't like sitting here next to this poor kid, I'm sorry. Oh well...as long as I don't puke. Actually, I wouldn't mind puking much. I was planning on fasting today, but in the caf this morning I couldn't stand it, so I ate like a pop tart, throwing a good lot of it at Pedro. So really I didn't each much. But then I had like 1/2 a pack of Skittles and a juice box. Just some glucose to keep me going. I am hypo....hypoglu something. Hold on, I'll so myself some research here while I'm on the computer, and on the other thing Fitzy brought back into perspective so now I have faith in it again. I will just post the info I need into a blog, so I am going to save this entry so far as a draft, then change blogs, get info, publish, then come back if I have time. If not, tally ho. Cherish these words. There may not be many more. Okay. It's called hypoglycemia. Mom said I have it and you can bet your bottom dollar it's true. I am eating in the library...HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, LITTLE MISS LIBRARIAN? O man, I am on the 2-minutes fast computer, so I have to go in like 3. Keith is humming. Before he had his hand down his pants and I'm sitting here like oh my god you are in a school library. Hehe, nevermind all of this giggling. I don'd get to hang out with Mike today, and I am so bummed. I have a BATgirl sticker from the doctor. Gtg, that was the bell. Adios. Over and out. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | On and on, reckless abandon something's wrong this is gonna shock them nothing to hold on to we'll use this song to lead you on I learned a lot today not sure if I'll get laid and not sure if I'll fail or pass kissed every girl in class everybody would waste it all to have a summer that they could call a memory that's full of fun fucked up when it's all done On and on, reckless abandon something's wrong this is gonna shock them nothing to hold on to we'll use this song to lead you on and break the truth with more bad news we left a scar size extra large Sip a drink of the alcohol end up kneeling in bathroom stalls eyes are red and my movements slow too high, got vertigo He took a shit in the bathroom tub and fed the dog the brownie drugs tried hard not to get caught he fucked a chick in the parking lot On and on, reckless abandon something's wrong this is gonna shock them nothing to hold on to we'll use this song to lead you on and break the truth with more bad news we left a scar size extra large Break a window and bust a wall making fun of your friend's mom turn the music up way too loud charge the pizza to the house everybody would waste it all to have a summer that they could call a memory that's full of fun fucked up when it's all done On and on, reckless abandon something's wrong this is gonna shock them nothing to hold on to we'll use this song to lead you on and break the truth with more bad news we left a scar size extra large -Blink 182 (i knew there was a reason my room used to be PLASTERED with everything them.) |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | I am sitting here at the father's and I am listening to Candy Kid's Skool of Eurostyle cd. It is soo good. I put all my bracelets back on, chilled with Oliver for a bit. HE IS GETTING SO BIG. Subs don't help my little sensitivity problem, but osiewell b/c ther are good wit good techno man! I am talking to Matt and Mike and Greg. Greg's getting me more CDS! YAY! He's so awesome. Mike and I didn't hang out today, cuz of Dr. Kearney's. And TM he doesn't think we should chill b.c i have rehearsal until 330 and he doesn't want to wait and he wants to hang out with Sam and I am really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really bummed. I really want to go hang out with him. I am so sad. I am getting sadder and sadder. And Fitzy has my little gold box. No one cares if I leave my journal for a while, right? From here on in, I surrender. I am abandoning my voice tonight. Do not, I repeat...do not miss me. (Why would you?) bloodstained16: im assuming this has to do with your whole withdrawing thing or something. every time i ever did that it only made my situation worse. i tend to need ppl, contact with them and being able to express myself to them including through talking. but hey, w/e works for you. This is goodbye. Jaked. Love and Sex, P.L.u.R.R. Tally ho, adios. I'm done...turn me over. Over and out. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | SicTransitHero:off the richta off the richta off the richta off the fichta SicTransitHero:la la la la la la bloodstained16:lol...having fun? SicTransitHero:MY mamas getting mad cuz i wont stop rapping this song but im like HEY MAMA get it cuz it's the name of the song!! AHAHAHA bloodstained16:wow...lol SicTransitHero:that's what im saying SicTransitHero:hey wait, was that an insult? bloodstained16:not that im aware of Someone PLEASE get this song out of my head. Whoopsies, I almost typed thong. That would have been hilarilarilarious. Pernounce that one HCMFs! WHUT!? Hehe. I only literally have like 2.5 seconds, because I am at Mom's. I had to go to the docadocators and she took like 2 hours. They puttededed myze medicine back up to 150mg. That's good, I think. Whooie. Cookie's concert is tonight. GUESS WHO'S NOT GOING? I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT IT'S ME!!! !!! !!! (omg howevererer did you know???) You're psycho-ic. Um I talked to Kelly Goodwill today about the storm last night, she said that yeah, she noticed that the energy was really high too...she said she was able to meditate for 4 hours, and that's long for her. Rully long. SicTransitHero:where da parti at SicTransitHero:where all the girls drinkin the bacardi at bloodstained16:lol....only you would kno..... o yes, and I gtg. I just remembered to say goodbye. I hope this is goodbye. Jaked. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Well hello there fellow Americans. I am in the library and sick to my stomach and chewing this same piece of gum that I have been chewing since this morning but I can't stop chewing something all day or else my jaw will lock up because the dentist popped my jaw out of place and it hurts. Matt is sitting here with me YAY. He has the trenchcoat. I have missed that fucking thing. Urm, last night I made the rounds on the telly...Mike beeped in on my phone call with Matt and he was freaking out and not doing good so I hung up with Matt and went back to Mike and was there for him as best I could, until I started getting fucked up too. It was the storm. Something about that fucking storm. I started hallucinating really really badly last night, things were dancing, changing color, bleeding rainbow blood. I won't get into it, but it was weird. The energy in my room...Lust. It was fucking with me. Like I said, it is the most powerful. It truly is. I wouldn't dare fuck with it, but it fucked with me. I threw up all the energy that was in my because it wasn't good. Then Fitzy called and we talked about it and I don't know...it was bad. I passed out quick though. This morning I work up and my right hand was swollen, red, and it hurt. I took all of my candy and bracelets off. Things like that. We left for school, my stomach still mostly empty because I could barely eat with my fucking jaw like this. I shouldn't have eaten at all, esp. after puking because the I could meditate and be able to channel energy easier...I'm getting back into the Psychic Vampire groove that I used to be in. And I love it, because I have greater control over energies. Thie means I will have to start fasting again. If I use this to my advantage, I can rise out of this depression, I can fix things, change things. Be myself again. Have control, and actually use it. In Gym today, I decided to silence myself...through voice, not through expression. I will type in my journal more than ever, and I will write, advertise myself, let the world see what I want them to see of me. Of my thoughts. Know what? I know it's not practicla to be completely silenced, then I would be a hypocrite and join Steve the Mute in his delightful muteness. WHoooY. Matt is mean and is keeping me from typing. Blahhhh...but yeah, I will keep to myself more and more as time goes on. I lost my necklace from Fitz this morning. I don't know what heppened...it wasn't around my neck when I reached for it, I FREAKED. I needed it's energy. I found it on my last period class, A, and I don't know how it got there because I had it last night and everything. Its energy has changed, it is emptier. I have to fix it. I like this power. I also like how I am getting annoyed with Matt not shutting up and by the way that was SARCASM if you didn't notice, but yep. I hope this is goodbye. Ahh and si, it is. Tally ho. |
1,583,261 | female | 16 | Arts | Gemini | 02,August,2004 | Hey I have just a quick question...or did, can't remember it now. I was going to have everyone post a comment or two with answers...now I forget. I might as well bullshit one while I'm here. I need a little boost... What is like the best part about me? Like, take that anyway you want, but I want honesty and details and stuff. I just need a little cheering up. If I think o' the cool question I had I'll letcha knowzles. Tally ho. (Actually Tally's not a ho.) ps: MBCSkater:megan MBCSkater:HEY!!! MBCSkater:megan MBCSkater:megan MBCSkater:megan MBCSkater:megannnaaaa MBCSkater:megan MBCSkater:MEGAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MBCSkater:HEY U SEXY FUCKER!!! MBCSkater:OK FINE!!! MBCSkater:BYE MBCSkater:I FUCKIN LOVE U!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (all them s are :-*s) Ya all love me and you know it. Ovurr and out. |
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