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SCENE V.
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A Room in OLIVIA'S House.
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[Enter MARIA and CLOWN.]
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MARIA.
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Nay; either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open
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my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse: my
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lady will hang thee for thy absence.
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CLOWN.
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Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world needs
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to fear no colours.
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MARIA.
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Make that good.
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CLOWN.
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He shall see none to fear.
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MARIA.
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A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that saying was
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born, of, I fear no colours.
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CLOWN.
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Where, good Mistress Mary?
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MARIA.
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In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.
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CLOWN.
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Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are
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fools, let them use their talents.
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MARIA.
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Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent: or to be
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turned away; is not that as good as a hanging to you?
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CLOWN.
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Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and for turning
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away, let summer bear it out.
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MARIA.
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You are resolute, then?
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CLOWN.
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Not so, neither: but I am resolved on two points.
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MARIA.
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That if one break, the other will hold; or if both break,
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your gaskins fall.
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CLOWN.
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Apt, in good faith, very apt! Well, go thy way; if Sir Toby
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would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve's flesh
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as any in Illyria.
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MARIA.
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Peace, you rogue; no more o' that; here comes my lady: make
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your excuse wisely; you were best.
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[Exit.]
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[Enter OLIVIA and MALVOLIO.]
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CLOWN.
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Wit, and't be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits
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that think they have thee do very oft prove fools; and I, that am
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sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise man. For what says
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Quinapalus? Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.--God bless
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thee, lady!
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OLIVIA.
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Take the fool away.
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CLOWN.
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Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
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OLIVIA.
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Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you: besides, you
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grow dishonest.
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CLOWN.
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Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend:
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for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry; bid the
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dishonest man mend himself: if he mend, he is no longer
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dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Anything
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that's mended is but patched; virtue that transgresses is but
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patched with sin, and sin that amends is but patched with virtue.
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If that this simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not,
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what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but calamity, so
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beauty's a flower:--the lady bade take away the fool; therefore,
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I say again, take her away.
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OLIVIA.
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Sir, I bade them take away you.
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