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SCENE V.
A Room in OLIVIA'S House.
[Enter MARIA and CLOWN.]
MARIA.
Nay; either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open
my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse: my
lady will hang thee for thy absence.
CLOWN.
Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world needs
to fear no colours.
MARIA.
Make that good.
CLOWN.
He shall see none to fear.
MARIA.
A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that saying was
born, of, I fear no colours.
CLOWN.
Where, good Mistress Mary?
MARIA.
In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.
CLOWN.
Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are
fools, let them use their talents.
MARIA.
Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent: or to be
turned away; is not that as good as a hanging to you?
CLOWN.
Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and for turning
away, let summer bear it out.
MARIA.
You are resolute, then?
CLOWN.
Not so, neither: but I am resolved on two points.
MARIA.
That if one break, the other will hold; or if both break,
your gaskins fall.
CLOWN.
Apt, in good faith, very apt! Well, go thy way; if Sir Toby
would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve's flesh
as any in Illyria.
MARIA.
Peace, you rogue; no more o' that; here comes my lady: make
your excuse wisely; you were best.
[Exit.]
[Enter OLIVIA and MALVOLIO.]
CLOWN.
Wit, and't be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits
that think they have thee do very oft prove fools; and I, that am
sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise man. For what says
Quinapalus? Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.--God bless
thee, lady!
OLIVIA.
Take the fool away.
CLOWN.
Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
OLIVIA.
Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you: besides, you
grow dishonest.
CLOWN.
Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend:
for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry; bid the
dishonest man mend himself: if he mend, he is no longer
dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Anything
that's mended is but patched; virtue that transgresses is but
patched with sin, and sin that amends is but patched with virtue.
If that this simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not,
what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but calamity, so
beauty's a flower:--the lady bade take away the fool; therefore,
I say again, take her away.
OLIVIA.
Sir, I bade them take away you.