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servants forget to bring her dinner for three or four days, you can't
conceive how she'd come about. [Exit.]
Mrs. MALAPROP
Well, at any rate, I shall be glad to get her from under my intuition.
She has somehow discovered my partiality for Sir Lucius
O'Trigger--sure, Lucy can't have betrayed me!--No, the girl is such a
simpleton, I should have made her confess it.--Lucy!--Lucy!--[Calls.]
Had she been one of your artificial ones, I should never have trusted
her.
[Re-enter LUCY.]
LUCY
Did you call, ma'am?
Mrs. MALAPROP
Yes, girl.--Did you see Sir Lucius while you was out?
LUCY
No, indeed, ma'am, not a glimpse of him.
Mrs. MALAPROP
You are sure, Lucy, that you never mentioned----
LUCY
Oh gemini! I'd sooner cut my tongue out.
Mrs. MALAPROP
Well, don't let your simplicity be imposed on.
LUCY
No, ma'am.
Mrs. MALAPROP
So, come to me presently, and I'll give you another letter to Sir
Lucius; but mind, Lucy--if ever you betray what you are entrusted with
(unless it be other people's secrets to me), you forfeit my malevolence
for ever; and your being a simpleton shall be no excuse for your
locality. [Exit.]
LUCY
Ha! ha! ha!--So, my dear Simplicity, let me give you a little
respite.--[Altering her manner.] Let girls in my station be as fond as
they please of appearing expert, and knowing in their trusts; commend
me to a mask of silliness, and a pair of sharp eyes for my own interest
under it!--Let me see to what account have I turned my simplicity
lately.--[Looks at a paper.] For _abetting Miss Lydia Languish in a
design of running away with an ensign!--in money, sundry times, twelve
pound twelve; gowns, five; hats, ruffles, caps, &c., &c.,
numberless!--From the said ensign, within this last month, six guineas
and a half_.--About a quarter's pay!--Item, _from Mrs. Malaprop, for
betraying the young people to her_--when I found matters were likely to
be discovered--_two guineas, and a black paduasoy._--Item, _from Mr.
Acres, for carrying divers letters_--which I never delivered--_two
guineas, and a pair of buckles._--Item, _from Sir Lucius O'Trigger,
three crowns, two gold pocket-pieces, and a silver snuff-box!_--Well
done, Simplicity!--Yet I was forced to make my Hibernian believe, that
he was corresponding, not with the aunt, but with the niece; for though
not over rich, I found he had too much pride and delicacy to sacrifice
the feelings of a gentleman to the necessities of his fortune. [Exit.]
[CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE and FAG.]
FAG
Sir, while I was there Sir Anthony came in: I told him you had sent me
to inquire after his health, and to know if he was at leisure to see
you.
ABSOLUTE
And what did he say, on hearing I was at Bath?
FAG
Sir, in my life I never saw an elderly gentleman more astonished! He
started back two or three paces, rapped out a dozen interjectural
oaths, and asked, what the devil had brought you here.
ABSOLUTE
Well, sir, and what did you say?
FAG
Oh, I lied, sir--I forgot the precise lie; but you may depend on't, he
got no truth from me. Yet, with submission, for fear of blunders in
future, I should be glad to fix what has brought us to Bath; in order
that we may lie a little consistently. Sir Anthony's servants were
curious, sir, very curious indeed.
ABSOLUTE
You have said nothing to them?
FAG
Oh, not a word, sir,--not a word! Mr. Thomas, indeed, the coachman
(whom I take to be the discreetest of whips)----
ABSOLUTE
'Sdeath!--you rascal! you have not trusted him!
FAG