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would certainly as far belie my words.
Mrs. MALAPROP
Take yourself to your room.--You are fit company for nothing but your
own ill-humours.
LYDIA
Willingly, ma'am--I cannot change for the worse. [Exit.]
Mrs. MALAPROP
There's a little intricate hussy for you!
Sir ANTHONY
It is not to be wondered at, ma'am,--all this is the natural
consequence of teaching girls to read. Had I a thousand daughters, by
Heaven! I'd as soon have them taught the black art as their alphabet!
Mrs. MALAPROP
Nay, nay, Sir Anthony, you are an absolute misanthropy.
Sir ANTHONY
In my way hither, Mrs. Malaprop, I observed your niece's maid coming
forth from a circulating library!--She had a book in each hand--they
were half-bound volumes, with marble covers!--From that moment I
guessed how full of duty I should see her mistress!
Mrs. MALAPROP
Those are vile places, indeed!
Sir ANTHONY
Madam, a circulating library in a town is as an evergreen tree of
diabolical knowledge! It blossoms through the year!--And depend on it,
Mrs. Malaprop, that they who are so fond of handling the leaves, will
long for the fruit at last.
Mrs. MALAPROP
Fy, fy, Sir Anthony! you surely speak laconically.
Sir ANTHONY
Why, Mrs. Malaprop, in moderation now, what would you have a woman
know?
Mrs. MALAPROP
Observe me, Sir Anthony. I would by no means wish a daughter of mine to
be a progeny of learning; I don't think so much learning becomes a
young woman; for instance, I would never let her meddle with Greek, or
Hebrew, or algebra, or simony, or fluxions, or paradoxes, or such
inflammatory branches of learning--neither would it be necessary for
her to handle any of your mathematical, astronomical, diabolical
instruments.--But, Sir Anthony, I would send her, at nine years old, to
a boarding-school, in order to learn a little ingenuity and artifice.
Then, sir, she should have a supercilious knowledge in accounts;--and
as she grew up, I would have her instructed in geometry, that she might
know something of the contagious countries;--but above all, Sir
Anthony, she should be mistress of orthodoxy, that she might not
mis-spell, and mis-pronounce words so shamefully as girls usually do;
and likewise that she might reprehend the true meaning of what she is
saying. This, Sir Anthony, is what I would have a woman know;--and I
don't think there is a superstitious article in it.
Sir ANTHONY
Well, well, Mrs. Malaprop, I will dispute the point no further with
you; though I must confess, that you are a truly moderate and polite
arguer, for almost every third word you say is on my side of the
question. But, Mrs. Malaprop, to the more important point in
debate--you say you have no objection to my proposal?
Mrs. MALAPROP
None, I assure you. I am under no positive engagement with Mr. Acres,
and as Lydia is so obstinate against him, perhaps your son may have
better success.
Sir ANTHONY
Well, madam, I will write for the boy directly. He knows not a syllable
of this yet, though I have for some time had the proposal in my head.
He is at present with his regiment.
Mrs. MALAPROP
We have never seen your son, Sir Anthony; but I hope no objection on
his side.
Sir ANTHONY
Objection!--let him object if he dare!--No, no, Mrs. Malaprop, Jack
knows that the least demur puts me in a frenzy directly. My process was
always very simple--in their younger days, 'twas "Jack, do this";--if
he demurred, I knocked him down--and if he grumbled at that, I always
sent him out of the room.
Mrs. MALAPROP
Ay, and the properest way, o' my conscience!--nothing is so
conciliating to young people as severity.--Well, Sir Anthony, I shall
give Mr. Acres his discharge, and prepare Lydia to receive your son's
invocations;--and I hope you will represent her to the captain as an
object not altogether illegible.
Sir ANTHONY
Madam, I will handle the subject prudently.--Well, I must leave you;
and let me beg you, Mrs. Malaprop, to enforce this matter roundly to
the girl.--Take my advice--keep a tight hand: if she rejects this
proposal, clap her under lock and key; and if you were just to let the