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I am happy in the appellation.
Sir ANTHONY
Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really
is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented
my telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture--prepare.
What think you of Miss Lydia Languish?
ABSOLUTE
Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire?
Sir ANTHONY
Worcestershire! no. Did you never meet Mrs. Malaprop and her niece,
Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last
ordered to your regiment?
ABSOLUTE
Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the names
before. Yet, stay--I think I do recollect something. Languish!
Languish! She squints, don't she? A little red-haired girl?
Sir ANTHONY
Squints! A red-haired girl! Zounds! no.
ABSOLUTE
Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person.
Sir ANTHONY
Jack! Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen?
ABSOLUTE
As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. If I can please you in the
matter, 'tis all I desire.
Sir ANTHONY
Nay, but Jack, such eyes! such eyes! so innocently wild! so bashfully
irresolute! not a glance but speaks and kindles some thought of love!
Then, Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at the
insinuations of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! O, Jack, lips
smiling at their own discretion; and if not smiling, more sweetly
pouting; more lovely in sullenness!
ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] That's she, indeed. Well done, old gentleman.
Sir ANTHONY
Then, Jack, her neck! O Jack! Jack!
ABSOLUTE
And which is to be mine, sir, the niece, or the aunt?
Sir ANTHONY
Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you! When I was of your
age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket! The aunt
indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, I would not have
touched anything old or ugly to gain an empire.
ABSOLUTE
Not to please your father, sir?
Sir ANTHONY
To please my father! zounds! not to please--Oh, my father--odd
so!--yes--yes; if my father indeed had desired--that's quite another
matter. Though he wa'n't the indulgent father that I am, Jack.
ABSOLUTE
I dare say not, sir.
Sir ANTHONY
But, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so beautiful?
ABSOLUTE
Sir, I repeat it--if I please you in this affair, 'tis all I desire.
Not that I think a woman the worse for being handsome; but, sir, if you
please to recollect, you before hinted something about a hump or two,
one eye, and a few more graces of that kind--now, without being very
nice, I own I should rather choose a wife of mine to have the usual
number of limbs, and a limited quantity of back: and though one eye may
be very agreeable, yet as the prejudice has always run in favour of
two, I would not wish to affect a singularity in that article.
Sir ANTHONY
What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, sirrah, you're an anchorite!--a vile,
insensible stock. You a soldier!--you're a walking block, fit only to
dust the company's regimentals on! Odds life! I have a great mind to
marry the girl myself!
ABSOLUTE
I am entirely at your disposal, sir: if you should think of addressing
Miss Languish yourself, I suppose you would have me marry the aunt; or
if you should change your mind, and take the old lady--'tis the same to
me--I'll marry the niece.
Sir ANTHONY
Upon my word, Jack, thou'rt either a very great hypocrite, or--but,
come, I know your indifference on such a subject must be all a lie--I'm
sure it must--come, now--damn your demure face!--come, confess
Jack--you have been lying, ha'n't you? You have been playing the
hypocrite, hey!--I'll never forgive you, if you ha'n't been lying and
playing the hypocrite.