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It is but too true, indeed, ma'am;--yet I fear our ladies should share
the blame--they think our admiration of beauty so great, that knowledge
in them would be superfluous. Thus, like garden-trees, they seldom show
fruit, till time has robbed them of the more specious blossom.--Few,
like Mrs. Malaprop and the orange-tree, are rich in both at once!
Mrs. MALAPROP
Sir, you overpower me with good-breeding.--He is the very pine-apple of
politeness!--You are not ignorant, captain, that this giddy girl has
somehow contrived to fix her affections on a beggarly, strolling,
eaves-dropping ensign, whom none of us have seen, and nobody knows
anything of.
ABSOLUTE
Oh, I have heard the silly affair before.--I'm not at all prejudiced
against her on that account.
Mrs. MALAPROP
You are very good and very considerate, captain. I am sure I have done
everything in my power since I exploded the affair; long ago I laid my
positive conjunctions on her, never to think on the fellow again;--I
have since laid Sir Anthony's preposition before her; but, I am sorry
to say, she seems resolved to decline every particle that I enjoin her.
ABSOLUTE
It must be very distressing, indeed, ma'am.
Mrs. MALAPROP
Oh! it gives me the hydrostatics to such a degree.--I thought she had
persisted from corresponding with him; but, behold, this very day, I
have interceded another letter from the fellow; I believe I have it in
my pocket.
ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Oh, the devil! my last note.
Mrs. MALAPROP
Ay, here it is.
ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Ay, my note indeed! O the little traitress Lucy.
Mrs. MALAPROP
There, perhaps you may know the writing. [Gives him the letter.]
ABSOLUTE
I think I have seen the hand before--yes, I certainly must have seen
this hand before----
Mrs. MALAPROP
Nay, but read it, captain.
ABSOLUTE
[Reads.] _My soul's idol, my adored Lydia!_--Very tender, indeed!
Mrs. MALAPROP
Tender! ay, and profane too, o' my conscience.
ABSOLUTE
[Reads.] _I am excessively alarmed at the intelligence you send me, the
more so as my new rival_----
Mrs. MALAPROP
That's you, sir.
ABSOLUTE
[Reads.] _Has universally the character of being an accomplished
gentleman and a man of honour._--Well, that's handsome enough.
Mrs. MALAPROP
Oh, the fellow has some design in writing so.
ABSOLUTE
That he had, I'll answer for him, ma'am.
Mrs. MALAPROP
But go on, sir--you'll see presently.
ABSOLUTE
[Reads.] _As for the old weather-beaten she-dragon who guards you_--Who
can he mean by that?
Mrs. MALAPROP
Me, sir!--me!--he means me!--There--what do you think now?--but go on a
little further.
ABSOLUTE
Impudent scoundrel!--[Reads.] _it shall go hard but I will elude her
vigilance, as I am told that the same ridiculous vanity, which makes
her dress up her coarse features, and deck her dull chat with hard
words which she don't understand_----
Mrs. MALAPROP
There, sir, an attack upon my language! what do you think of that?--an
aspersion upon my parts of speech! was ever such a brute! Sure, if I
reprehend any thing in this world, it is the use of my oracular tongue,
and a nice derangement of epitaphs!
ABSOLUTE
He deserves to be hanged and quartered! let me see--[Reads.] _same