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ridiculous vanity_----
Mrs. MALAPROP
You need not read it again, sir.
ABSOLUTE
I beg pardon, ma'am.--[Reads.] _does also lay her open to the grossest
deceptions from flattery and pretended admiration_--an impudent
coxcomb!--_so that I have a scheme to see you shortly with the old
harridan's consent, and even to make her a go-between in our
interview._--Was ever such assurance!
Mrs. MALAPROP
Did you ever hear anything like it?--he'll elude my vigilance, will
he--yes, yes! ha! ha! he's very likely to enter these doors;--we'll try
who can plot best!
ABSOLUTE
So we will, ma'am--so we will! Ha! ha! ha! a conceited puppy, ha! ha!
ha!--Well, but Mrs. Malaprop, as the girl seems so infatuated by this
fellow, suppose you were to wink at her corresponding with him for a
little time--let her even plot an elopement with him--then do you
connive at her escape--while I, just in the nick, will have the fellow
laid by the heels, and fairly contrive to carry her off in his stead.
Mrs. MALAPROP
I am delighted with the scheme; never was anything better perpetrated!
ABSOLUTE
But, pray, could not I see the lady for a few minutes now?--I should
like to try her temper a little.
Mrs. MALAPROP
Why, I don't know--I doubt she is not prepared for a visit of this
kind. There is a decorum in these matters.
ABSOLUTE
O Lord! she won't mind me--only tell her Beverley----
Mrs. MALAPROP
Sir!
ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Gently, good tongue.
Mrs. MALAPROP
What did you say of Beverley?
ABSOLUTE
Oh, I was going to propose that you should tell her, by way of jest,
that it was Beverley who was below; she'd come down fast enough
then--ha! ha! ha!
Mrs. MALAPROP
'Twould be a trick she well deserves; besides, you know the fellow
tells her he'll get my consent to see her--ha! ha! Let him if he can, I
say again. Lydia, come down here!--[Calling.] He'll make me a
go-between in their interviews!--ha! ha! ha! Come down, I say, Lydia! I
don't wonder at your laughing, ha! ha! ha! his impudence is truly
ridiculous.
ABSOLUTE
'Tis very ridiculous, upon my soul, ma'am, ha! ha! ha!
Mrs. MALAPROP
The little hussy won't hear. Well, I'll go and tell her at once who it
is--she shall know that Captain Absolute is come to wait on her. And
I'll make her behave as becomes a young woman.
ABSOLUTE
As you please, ma'am.
Mrs. MALAPROP
For the present, captain, your servant. Ah! you've not done laughing
yet, I see--elude my vigilance; yes, yes; ha! ha! ha! [Exit.]
ABSOLUTE
Ha! ha! ha! one would think now that I might throw off all disguise at
once, and seize my prize with security; but such is Lydia's caprice,
that to undeceive were probably to lose her. I'll see whether she knows
me. [Walks aside, and seems engaged in looking at the pictures.]
[Enter LYDIA.]
LYDIA
What a scene am I now to go through! surely nothing can be more
dreadful than to be obliged to listen to the loathsome addresses of a
stranger to one's heart. I have heard of girls persecuted as I am, who
have appealed in behalf of their favoured lover to the generosity of
his rival--suppose I were to try it--there stands the hated rival--an
officer too!--but oh, how unlike my Beverley! I wonder he don't
begin--truly he seems a very negligent wooer!--quite at his ease, upon
my word!--I'll speak first--Mr. Absolute.
ABSOLUTE
Ma'am. [Turns round.]
LYDIA
O heavens! Beverley!