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8,100 |
"But comrade policeman, when you're Russian for corpse meat, there's no time for Stalin!"
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8,101 |
While that seems implied by the title i thought his intent was to be caught for plagiarism.
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8,102 |
http://i.imgur.com/hzq3WxC.gif
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8,103 |
I agree. OP is fucked up right now, but he has a plan, resources, time to think. She just realized her life is OVER. She's desperate. She's spiraling, logic is out the window. She'll probably depend on her body/sexuality at first, until she realizes she has no power over him anymore. Then it could get dangerous. This is some *Snapped* type shit right here.
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8,104 |
Tomorrow's lead story on Fox News: "We investigate Reddit. Is it full of assholes who pretend they love you and then make fun of you behind your back?"
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8,105 |
I was a BB Store Manager. We had a collections agency, but BB only got a small portion of the money recovered. The rest went to the agency. It was basically a way to fuck over an asshole customer. If someone owed under $50 it generally wasn't worth sending them to collections, unless they were a twat and you wanted to put a fucking to them.
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8,106 |
>When she screamed at our entire flat (me and 4 others) for letting the man in who is stalking her - or not kicking him out when we saw him in the living room.\n\nWait, that's perfectly reasonable...\n\n>There was no man in the living room, nor did the man exist.\n\nOh.
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8,107 |
Squats are putting the nicest asses on college girls everywhere. Seriously\n\nEdit: Thanks for the gold stranger
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8,108 |
dude, it's been an hour. you really can't just blurt out "HI! " now. get up to go to the bathroom, or if there isn't one, get something from a bag or whatever. when you're coming to sit back down, "notice" the shirt. "ha is that a reddit shirt? I'm on there way too often. " if she says yeah and nothing more, it's fine. else, just let it flow.
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8,109 |
Gabe took them for lunch. This was 1/3 of the way through lunch
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8,110 |
Because there's a big difference in seeing titties, and getting titties in your mouth.
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8,111 |
I am a 20 year old male and I've NEVER had that happen before! Maybe tucking them back in between my legs and laughing at my new found, albeit temporary vagina, but that's about it.
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|
8,112 |
that's so neat! thanks!!
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8,113 |
Not to mention super vague personal questions\n\n"Y DOES MY BOYFRIEND NOT LIKE IT WHEN I BUY SUSHI?"
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|
8,114 |
I'm not connected to these people in any way, I know none of them, but I would like to thank you for what you do. Emergency Medical professionals are heroes in my eyes. It wasn't the dark knight that saved the day this time, it was you guys.
|
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|
8,115 |
That's when you go into the restaurant and tell everyone eating there was they just did. Shame these fucks.
|
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|
8,116 |
Highly-trained SAS agents are converging on your location, /u/rcking1110, prepare your anus.
|
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|
8,117 |
Yes. We are doing sequel. And also 3-d, eventually.
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|
8,118 |
"Do you want a fish tank?" \n"No, I'm a pacifist"
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|
8,119 |
...and I'm serial killer Rob Lowe
|
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|
8,120 |
How badly do you want an A?
|
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|
8,121 |
You cold-hearted son of a bitch
|
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|
8,122 |
In 100,000 years of human language, I'm sure this is the first time that sentence has been written.
|
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|
8,123 |
Bonus points if you use a real body.
|
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|
8,124 |
Seriously. It's just the routine at this point. You know all the inside jokes in the comments, and every time I see them I resent the time I spend on the site but yet I browse through every day.
|
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|
8,125 |
Parrots imitate, breh.
|
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|
8,126 |
The worst part is, they're trying to be good parents, defending their kids and all. They just don't realize they're doing more harm than good. At least that's what I choose to believe. They could just be assholes, for all I know.
|
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|
8,127 |
Is that a really creepy child or a really creepy old man in the front there?
|
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|
8,128 |
To me it's the "number sign".
|
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|
8,129 |
The fact that the phenomenon is genuinely called "spaghettification" is amazing as well.
|
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|
8,130 |
http://i.imgur.com/ayiwW.gif
|
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|
8,131 |
Lol genius mom. Dude just soak a bunch of them in vodka. Or other types of alcohol. \n
|
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|
8,132 |
Did anyone ask you what condition you have that causes your arms to grow all the way down to your feet? \n\n
|
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|
8,133 |
As a father I have to agree with this. My son could be having interracial 3-ways with random men he meets while dressed as a transvestite stripper and I'd still take a bullet for him without a second thought. What the fuck is wrong with these people?
|
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|
8,134 |
http://imgur.com/a/olTWX
|
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|
8,135 |
> "And YOU! PUT THESE ON!" as he shoves my glasses in my face.\n\n\n\n*"I want you to SEE how pathetic you are!"*
|
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|
8,136 |
Jurassic Parks & Recreation \n\nEdit: Gold? Really? Haha, thanks I guess!
|
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|
8,137 |
No, she just had to move to the next stall. That one is occupied.
|
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|
8,138 |
Sidekicks rarely get the recognition they deserve. \n\nEdit: oddly enough, I'm the sidekick to the person who posted this...
|
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|
8,139 |
Yeah, that would be NSFL
|
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|
8,140 |
Best fucking question and answer on this thread.
|
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|
8,141 |
STAND BACK OR I'LL HAVE AN EATING DISORDER RIGHT NOW. DON'T PUSH ME
|
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|
8,142 |
More often than not, the random average redditor you come across is a bitter nerd.
|
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|
8,143 |
Don't forget to add in one "It's Not Unusual."
|
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|
8,144 |
This is hilariously unrealistic.\n\nIt would be like Chinese netizens thinking America is due for a revolution because of the NSA, police brutality, and legalized bribery. Even if we grant everything you said as true, do you think the average Chinese person would care to do anything about it? If there's one thing that transcends national and ethnic barriers, it's laziness.
|
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|
8,145 |
Oh let me just get on the girlfriend train and ride it into girlfriendville where I can freely pick from all the girlfriends
|
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|
8,146 |
Nothing phenomenal but I suppose it's easy to talk to 7 year olds. I liked his story about his dogs though
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|
8,147 |
Yes I have 2 hearing brothers and a grandma in the house.
|
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|
8,148 |
The Mass-Sass Principle.
|
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|
8,149 |
I don't even know her and I now miss her too.
|
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|
8,150 |
Thank you for giving me reason #143 for why I'm not having children. \n\n**EDIT** My friend is over and was borrowing my laptop, so I hand-wrote your requested list then photographed it. I hope it is vaguely readable and hope I didn't skip a page. Also, just so you know, this is a personal list, not saying it is correct, ethical, non-offensive, funny, serious, or anything else...it's just me.\n\n[The list](http://imgur.com/a/TCkD4)
|
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|
8,151 |
The step-motherfucking games are all fine and dandy until we find out that bitch basically drugged this kid. That's a huge red flag.
|
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|
8,152 |
Running water. We used to use a cistern or a well to gather water. I remember the first time my father installed a faucet and oh my goodness, I felt like we had won the lottery!
|
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|
8,153 |
I would fight the horse sized duck, because it wouldn't really be much of a challenge to fight duck sized horses would it? I mean you could just kick them, and it is not like they could climb up on you much. A horse sized duck could be quite dangerous, but I bet you could put a stick in its beak and it would be unable to bite. And I would like to hear what a horse sized duck quack would sound like.
|
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|
8,154 |
Seriously, you can't more cut and dry than this. If anything, thank her for making it so obvious for you. It is better than dragging it out and finding out when you have much more invested in your relationship.
|
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|
8,155 |
You really dodged a bullet there.
|
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|
8,156 |
In this world, that is all it takes to prove you are "smart". Way to beat the system
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|
8,157 |
The SWAT team would probably be called in if you tried this today.
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|
8,158 |
This happens regularly and is not limited to Americans. A Russian guy was fined $25,000 this past November for the same thing.
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|
8,159 |
This thread is going to be such a treat; it even has a cherry on top!
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|
8,160 |
I could have sworn it is *Halfrican-American*. Atleast here in the States.
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|
8,161 |
I agree. I laughed at this, but I can live a while longer without needing a kid. \nOnce I can afford one though, bam, I'm getting a dog.
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|
8,162 |
I'm going to do this to my kids one day. \nEDIT: So, this is my most upvoted comment in 7 months on Reddit? I'll never understand you guys...
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|
8,163 |
In downtown Houston, on the Preston street bridge, there's a red button. It has no label or sign saying what it's for, but it looks very industrial, the sort of button that starts generators or raises bridges. If you hold it down for about thirty seconds a huge bubble blurps up out of the bayou below. That's all it does. Apparently it's a city art installation which is intentionally unlabeled and only spread by word of mouth.
|
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|
8,164 |
For my thesis I made a rage comic about how stupid Mitt Romney. \n\nedit: is
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|
8,165 |
I'm a time traveller but I only have proof I'm from the past
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|
8,166 |
Not a teacher, but I knew a girl who had about 20 joints rolled in her shirt pocket, bent over in class to pick up a pencil and they all fell out. As the teacher turned around she threw a book at the blackboard in the corner of the room as a diversion and managed to pick them all up. \nSomehow did all this while high as fuck with a big dumb grin the whole time
|
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|
8,167 |
"Actually I have no idea, I always wonder how she keeps doing that."\n\n*awkward silence*
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|
8,168 |
Those are not my teeth and that is not my bush baby. Truer words have never been spoken.
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8,169 |
Show then tell. Show them your passion. Science is the best ideas humans have had (so far). Let your people see it for themselves. Science Rules.... the universe, and that includes us.
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8,170 |
More importantly, ever masturbated to one of your own videos.
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|
8,171 |
this one NEEDS to happen. We should start a cause to get some virgin redditor laid by amypage. I'd donate $10
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|
8,172 |
*Song: Whiggas in Paris*\n\n*Album: Fuck Britain, Get Money*\n\n*Artist: B.F. Banklin feat. The General George "G Dub" Washington and DJ Jazzy T. Jeff*\n\n*Revolutionary Records, LLC*
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|
8,173 |
What the fuck is wrong with your friend, he misses all the terrible puns, the unoriginal novelty accounts as well as the circlejerk. He probably has a girlfriend as well?\nWhat a fucking weirdo.
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|
8,174 |
>make like a horse's dick and hit the trail.\n\nI can honestly say I have never heard that before, but will be using that again.
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|
8,175 |
The atheist box is a fedora.
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|
8,176 |
Exactly. The only person who would think it was weird to try milk from another species is a person who has never been hungry. A day without food, and you'd be watching a calf nurse and thinking, "I wonder if she'd kick me if I tried that?"\n\nThen you realize that a cow is a machine that turns grass into goddamn cheese, and you never look back.
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|
8,177 |
A lot of Muslims believe that Jews staged the holocaust to gain sympathy or some crazy shit \n\n\n*edit: I live with a muslim family and attend jummah prayers every friday and I hear this opinion so often I've forgotten how ludicrous it sounds, so many of them are conspiracy theorists.
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|
8,178 |
Are.....are you going to eat any of that?
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|
8,179 |
That's what you get for dating a Capulet~~e~~. \n\nEdit: I love gooooold! *eats skin flake*( ooh that was a good one! )\n\nAlso I have shamed my English teachers with my speeling. :(
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|
8,180 |
Hawk? Red tailed hawk.\n\nEagle? Red tailed hawk.\n\nGiant fantasy eagle? Red tailed hawk.\n\nMountain? Red tailed hawk.\n\nDesert? Red tailed hawk.\n\nSeagul? Red tailed hawk.\n\nJungle anywhere in the world? Peacock.\n\nLake anywhere in the world? Loon.\n\nTrees+darkness? Whoo whoo, owl!
|
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"self-harm/instructions": 0.00004505508331931196,
"harassment/threatening": 4.518630873917573e-7
},
"flagged": false
}
|
8,181 |
You made dinner reservations for one on Valentine's Day? That's confidence\n\nIf not, good luck
|
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}
|
8,182 |
Using a comma as a decimal point is the worst thing since hitler.
|
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}
|
8,183 |
I was young. Oh, and really really stupid. Mostly stupid.\n\nGoddamnit.
|
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"hate/threatening": 1.6817672809921191e-9,
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"harassment/threatening": 3.0349502821991337e-7
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}
|
8,184 |
I bet the managers annoyed. If he'd gotten away with it, he'd be chairman by now.\nEdit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger.
|
{
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"flagged": false
}
|
8,185 |
Yes. As someone who lost 55lbs last year, I did it because I accepted myself as someone who *deserved* to be healthy, not because I hated myself.\n\n\nThat's what "fat acceptance" used to be about, in the beginning - "if you're currently fat, love yourself, and if you want to lose weight, there are positive and healthy ways to do it. But in the meantime, love yourself." \n\nEmphasize the syllables as such: "fat *acceptance*" vs. today's "*fat* acceptance"
|
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}
|
8,186 |
I KNOW WHERE THAT PHOTO WAS TAKEN I'VE WALKED ON THAT SAME SIDEWALK OMG. breath.
|
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}
|
8,187 |
I was gonna say to rub his naked body against the window, but yeah, your idea's good, too.
|
{
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"hate/threatening": 0.000007174046004365664,
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"harassment/threatening": 0.0012521793833002448
},
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}
|
8,188 |
debade here, this guy is a real weirdo.
|
{
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"flagged": true
}
|
8,189 |
"my cheeseburger doesn't have any pickles on it"\n\n"have you tried rebooting it?"
|
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}
|
8,190 |
Someone pulled "the customer is always right" on me once, and I asked, "If I refuse to sell you anything, are you really a customer?"
|
{
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}
|
8,191 |
dogs who don't know that they're dogs. \n\n
|
{
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"hate/threatening": 2.5323524255327357e-7,
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"flagged": false
}
|
8,192 |
Be careful. If the wizard is evil you will end up with the comunication skills of a 10 year old!
|
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}
|
8,193 |
Most of my fantasies exist *because* I wouldn't want to act them out.\n\nTaboos have a natural tendency to be sexualized. And in all cases, being told "you can't do that" is the most sure way to get a lot of people interested in doing it.
|
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"flagged": false
}
|
8,194 |
confirmed\n\nsource: laid off from oil refinery, blizzard contacted me immediately
|
{
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"hate/threatening": false,
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"sexual_minors": 5.587612577073742e-7,
"violence": 0.000041436749597778544,
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"sexual/minors": 5.587612577073742e-7,
"hate/threatening": 3.759630260447011e-7,
"violence/graphic": 0.00000547076297152671,
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}
|
8,195 |
Ironic that we've [seen those smiles somewhere before](http://i.imgur.com/jWqe2.gif).
|
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|
8,196 |
I actually say "oh for fucks sake" out loud and people often ask me what's wrong. \n\nEDIT: TIL we're all a bunch of awkward regretful people
|
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"hate/threatening": 2.7517930334397533e-7,
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}
|
8,197 |
Finding your body is a fairly significant sign as well.
|
{
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"harassment": 0.000015629231711500324,
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"hate": 0.0000014103851526670041,
"hate_threatening": 8.845240699884016e-7,
"self_harm": 0.0002975323877763003,
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"violence": 0.0008347259135916829,
"violence_graphic": 0.000874598918017,
"self-harm": 0.0002975323877763003,
"sexual/minors": 0.00003136166196782142,
"hate/threatening": 8.845240699884016e-7,
"violence/graphic": 0.000874598918017,
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}
|
8,198 |
I would take one of these for free.
|
{
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"violence": false,
"violence_graphic": false,
"self-harm": false,
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"hate/threatening": false,
"violence/graphic": false,
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},
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"harassment": 0.00001691065335762687,
"harassment_threatening": 0.00004100388105143793,
"hate": 0.000001300867552345153,
"hate_threatening": 2.5649779900049907e-7,
"self_harm": 0.000021655434466083534,
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"self_harm_intent": 0.000052447416237555444,
"sexual": 0.00006170335836941376,
"sexual_minors": 0.000004841148438572418,
"violence": 0.00001663315197220072,
"violence_graphic": 0.00004726694896817207,
"self-harm": 0.000021655434466083534,
"sexual/minors": 0.000004841148438572418,
"hate/threatening": 2.5649779900049907e-7,
"violence/graphic": 0.00004726694896817207,
"self-harm/intent": 0.000052447416237555444,
"self-harm/instructions": 0.0000010867779565160163,
"harassment/threatening": 0.00004100388105143793
},
"flagged": false
}
|
8,199 |
"...cost me billions of dollars, has the longest, widest tube in the world and there's a chance it might explode and kill me."\n"You talking about the LHC?"\n"That's no large hadron collider, that's my wife!"
|
{
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"violence": 0.04208979383111,
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"hate/threatening": 7.302361382244271e-7,
"violence/graphic": 0.005121804308146238,
"self-harm/intent": 0.0003311359032522887,
"self-harm/instructions": 0.000009454378414375242,
"harassment/threatening": 0.000796634703874588
},
"flagged": false
}
|
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