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2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 29,April,2004 | Happy dance!!!! I got the job!!!!! I start on Monday. Am I happy or what???? *cheesy grin* |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 28,April,2004 | The wait begins... Interview went really well. I know better than to get my hopes up but...she said that I have the experience they are looking for and I'm at the top of her list. She said she will make her decision by tomorrow afternoon. She wants someone to start on Monday and imagine that...I can start on Monday. Not great money but it's better than unemployment. :) |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 28,April,2004 | This is it... Interview at the dealership at 11:30 today. Will follow up after... |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 28,April,2004 | Lack of sleep and Trace Atkins Ya know...Trace Atkins has a song out 'One hot mama'. The guy in the song loves his wife even though she isn't what she was when he married her. He still wants to make love to her and thinks she is still as hot as ever...even after having kids and family life. I'm beginning to think that it's all a fantasy. There is no such thing as a man loving a woman for who she is, no matter what she looks like. It just can't be real...if it was, why would Darren want out? I'm ok with it though. I'm not hideous by any means. I'm not the one losing here. He has lost his family. I still have my girls. I still have my integrity, priorities and values. What does he have? A drum kit, the band he is in and a computer full of songs. I would say that I came out on the better end. I'll never have to go to bed alone. It may not be with a man but I have 2 daughters who love me unconditionally and they love to cuddle. Just as a sidenote...last night Molly, our dog, widdled on the kitchen floor at 3am. Darren was so pissed that he decided to wake me up. I had not been able to fall asleep until after 1AM. After being woken up for something that I could do nothing about, I was up for another hour and 1/2. He did apologize for it this morning but I don't understand what his point was in waking me up. * shaking my head* I gotta get my own place...I gotta get my life back. If I don't, I am going to lose everything that I am. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 28,April,2004 | Stupid stupid stupid I did what I said I wasn't going to do. I got my hopes up. I got them dashed tonight. I tried being cuddly with Darren. No reaction. Just stared at the TV. I asked him if he is still not sure about us and he said 'Yes. I just don't know what I want'. How's that for bursting my bubble? Welcome back to planet earth, Tracey. Did you enjoy your trip to Neverland? How can I be so stupid and braindead? He said that he hasn't forgotten the counseling appointment. I'm beginning to wonder why he even wants to go. He won't even talk to me about what is going on. He said 'Let's talk about it tomorrow'. Know what? TOMORROW NEVER COMES!!!! I would love to just smack my head against a brickwall for being as stupid as I am. What made me think that he wanted to try? Oh...maybe him doing family night last night with me and the girls, him kissing me, hugging me, touching me gently on my arm before I fall asleep, him not swearing in front of the girls, being considerate of my feelings and of the girls, not flying off the handle for things that the girls do...yes, I am a certified idiot. Fell for it hook, line and sinker. My question is....when will I ever learn? When I quit falling for men!!!! That is when...No, I won't go the other way either. Just not attracted to women. LOL Ok, poor attempt at humor. I give up. There is no man out there for me. Think I will date again? Sure. I'm not dead. Think I will get seriously involved again? Not a chance in hell. Who needs it? I don't. Not anymore. Been hurt one too many times. Darren ended it for me. I can think of no man out there who is worth this...well, maybe my dad but he doesn't count in matters like these. I'm going to get this job with the car dealership, I'm going to save my money and I'm moving out. Let him deal with the loss of the best thing he has ever had. Let him die a lonely, bitter old man. He made his bed. Now he can lie in it. Alone. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 27,April,2004 | Ahhhh.....sun..... A gorgeous day here. Other than the stupid wind that seems to come with spring here in Wenatchee. Other than that...this is a beautiful town. Small, quaint... Had a job interview today. I didn't like it. It's for a grocery store chain here in the west called Fred Meyer. Love the store. Not too sure if I can deal with working there. They would want to start me in the deli...ya know, serving the pre-made stuff and the chicken that you buy for picnics. I do not want to come home everyday smelling like chicken!!! So with that in mind, I was bummed out coming home. That is...until I heard the message on the machine. A high tone car dealership here in town wants to interview me. Great job...receptionist/cashier position. Monday - Friday 8-5. Pretty cool huh? The downside to that? I used to work for 2 seperate car dealerships in Yakima (my hometown) and the last one is where I met my ex-husband. The creep. The weasel. The bastard. The spawn of satan. Mr. Holier than Thou. I know you don't know my story about my ex husband but he is a man who needs to be in prison but they would have to keep him from the general population as he would be at the bottom on their totem pole when it comes to crimes...I'm sure you can get what I'm saying here. I have horrid memories from car dealerships...sexual harrassment, my ex husband....but I know that I can't judge all of them the same. Hopefully, should I get this job and I should because I am TOTALLY qualified for it, things would be different. Besides, I am not single so there would be no fear of meeting another slimeball there. Hmmm.....just might consider it. At this point....I JUST WANT TO WORK!!!!!! Ok...I'm done venting. ;) |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 27,April,2004 | Changing on a dime And now the sun is shining and no clouds in sight. Still blasted windy though... |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 26,April,2004 | HOLY COW!!! Weather report... 60°F Partly Cloudy and Windy UV Index: 2 Minimal Dew Point: 35°F Humidity: 39% Visibility: 10.0 miles Pressure: 29.70 inches and falling Wind: From the West Northwest at 25 gusting to 38 mph Now for the REAL report.... IT'S RAINING LIKE CATS AND DOGS!!!! QUITE COOL AND BIG BLACK CLOUDS. WIND LIKE I HAVEN'T SEEN IN AGES!!! So much for weathermen.... |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 26,April,2004 | Emails that make sense from places unknown I received this the other day. It didn't hit me until just now... Hi there, Beautiful Human Being !!! Franciscus from the Netherlands here... sending you his warmest regards and wishing you a very nice time out here with some wonderful and rewarding encounters..... Why?? Because you are entitled to be treated with respect and love by your fellow human beings Keep looking for that inner best of your connections !!! By doing that you will reveal your own inner beauty…… A total stranger sent me that. Life throws funny curves don't you think? |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 26,April,2004 | If anything can get me bummed out urlLink this will. It's mine. Know anyone who needs one? |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 25,April,2004 | Lifting from Danelle again... urlLink Danelle just sometimes has things that I cannot pass by...*ahem* Forgiveness is essential to recovery. 'When a deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive.' Alan Paton, author of Cry, the Beloved Country Danelle...thank you. I desperately needed that quote. Whoever wrote that to you...I thank them too. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 25,April,2004 | Pictures, pictures, pictures... Ok Stacey...I'm not good at it yet so this will have to do for now...I'm a link addin' fool.....;) With the urlLink mouse who started it all! Talk about a urlLink flirt ! urlLink He was probably the cutest character I met. Shhhhh, don't tell Stitch. ;) urlLink This guy was a sweetie. There is a story about urlLink this guy. After getting Chip's autograph and picture, I wanted his. After him extorting 2 hugs and a kiss on the nose, I got the picture and autograph. He wanted money but settled for the kiss. It was sooooo fun!!!! I've got one of Pluto but can't find it. I'll add it when I can get my pic of me and Goofy also. Oh wait!!! urlLink Here is a pic of me after meeting the Goof-man! Not a bad pic of me even though I didn't know it was being taken. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 25,April,2004 | Not letting my guard down or hopes up... I told Darren last night that I will get back to what I was when he met me. When he met me I was a size 8, had a good job and quite happy with who I was and where I was. I will be back there again. I'm letting my hair grow long again, I'm going to lose the weight and I'm going to get a great paying job. I told him that when I do get back there, he will regret his decision to leave me. He said that he knows he will. He is regretting it now. We are both at a 50/50 place right now. 50% stay/50% leave. I'm going in circles here and not sure how to get off of this carousel. He has been trying. Really trying hard. I can see it. His temper has gone WAY down. His swearing at nothing has almost stopped, at least in front of the kids. He kissed me today. I was shocked. Not a passionate kiss but just a small peck. I didn't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know if he is just settling back into what we were or if he really is trying to start over and try and make this work. We have an appointment on May 3 to see a therapist. He is willing to go. That is a plus I think....but can he accept me for me? All of me...not just the picture of me. I asked him if he was embarassed to be seen with me and he flat out said 'NO! I have no reason to be embarassed. You are very beautiful'. That was a good thing...I don't know right now. I really don't. I know other men are interested in me and that is a boost to the ego but I cannot see myself with anyone other than Darren. Sometimes I wish I could. Darren needs to talk to someone outside of me or his circle of friends. He needs a therapist to talk to him and help him realize that he is expecting way too much out of relationships and needs to be realistic about them. His wants are not even in this galaxy. I just don't understand. Maybe it's because I have been married before. Maybe it's because I have kids and I know that there isn't anyone out there who is perfect. I wish I could say I don't love him. I wish I could say that I am going to get out. I can't say any of that. Right now all I can say is...funny, I don't know what I can say that is for sure. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 08,May,2004 | 15 years... HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISTIN!!! We love you!!!!!!!!!!! |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 06,May,2004 | Gone... Molly is gone. I didn't cry when my parents took her but it's tough here in the house without her. Makes me dispise the slumlord even more. I'm borderline tears right now because I'm so used to her loving on me in the mornings....even Darren was upset last night because she was gone. Darren and I went out for dinner and drinks last night. We still have a lot to work on. Do I think that our relationship is going to survive? I don't know. Do I want it to survive? Somedays, yes. Somedays, no. I know that I can't expect him to change overnight. He said last night that he stopped being attracted to me when I lost my self-confidence. Funny...I lost my self confidence, at least when he is around, when I found out what he told a married tramp in Texas right after my hysterectomy, what he thought of me. It's amazing how your self-confidence goes out the window when you find out that your partner has to fantasize about other women just to make love to you. I'm totally confident around other men. I just have problems around Darren. I don't allow him to see me naked and if he does, it's by accident. I'm working on getting my confidence back. It's like he cheated on me...only online. It's just a trust I have to get back. One that won't just happen overnight. I don't know if it will at all. That is why we are going to counseling and working on the relationship. It's going to take work and time. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 06,May,2004 | Moving... Well....told Darren what happened today with the slumlord. He has put his foot down...we are moving out of this 'shithole'. He is sick of the bastard as much as I am. So with that said...looking for a new place to live on the east side of the river...*waving at Kris* Woo Hoo!!!!! I'm still bummin about Molly but I know she will have a good home with Debbie. Darren and I have never had a landlord as bad as the one we have now. I'm just glad we will be out of thits place by the end of the month. I can't deal with it anymore. :) |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 05,May,2004 | Stupid ass landlord... Title says it all. I hate living here and we need to get the hell out. Jerk tells me when we moved in that I could paint the bathroom...I did that. His wife said that it's nice to have someone in the house who will work on it...little did I know that I was expected to pay it out of my own pocket!!! Also...me being the schmuck that I am, I forgot to talk to him about us getting Molly. He has now told us that we are to get rid of her. Need I remind anyone...we live in a house with a decent sized backyard. We clean up her poo's and she does not destroy things. Is this man an asshole? Oh yeah...in ever respect of that word. Does slumlord ring any bells here folks? BTW....he is having the downstairs apartment carpet steam cleaned!!! The SOB didn't even have the upstairs, where we live, cleaned after the guy moved out!!!! I had to sweep, mop, clean the oven, stove, fridge, vaccum and everything else to get this livable. Oh man...I'm so not happy right now. Luckily, I have a friend who told me that if we couldn't keep Molly, that she would take her. At least I know that Molly will have a good home. I cannot stand our urlLink landlord ...correction....slumlord. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 05,May,2004 | Yawn... I am exhausted!!! Good grief but it's been a long day. Woke up at 6:30am and hit the snooze...then turned off the blasted alarm before it went off again. Darren scared the daylights out of me by saying 'Don't oversleep honey...I saw you turn off your alarm' Good grief!!! Don't scare me like that!!! Once I got my butt moving, I had to take Kyla to school and then Jordin to the clinic for x-rays. Poor kid. Has some serious problem with her intestinal function or colon. Not sure which. She has another doc appt in Yakima next Friday so we can get the results from the x-rays. My poor baby...:( Once her appt was over, I went to work and didn't take a lunch to make up for the time I missed this morning. Now...that wouldn't have been too bad had it not been....ssssssssssllllllllllllloooooooooowwwwwwwwwwer than a seven year itch. We watched part of Oprah this afternoon..that is how slow it was. 5:00 could not get here fast enough. Got home and did my other fulltime job...making dinner, dishes, laundry, bathing Jordin, bandaging a cut that Kyla got from dropping a glass, conversing with Darren, feeding the dog, and feeding the fish. All of this was done in a 2 hour time span. I need a beer....better yet...a urlLink Cadillac Margarita . Haven't tried it with the chambord but I can only guess that it makes it even better...although it's tough to improve on perfection....:) |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 04,May,2004 | Wondering... I've been sitting back and reading some of my posts...well all of my posts for the past month and I have to say....I'M A PATHETIC DWEEB! All I talk about is my trouble with Darren. Good grief, you would think that I don't have any life outside of Darren. I do ya know...well....at least I will now that I'm working. :) Being unemployed for 4 months does not make a happy Tracey. I did find an apartment that I might go look at. It's for low-income families...yes, I qualify being a single parent. Not too sure why they say it's low income when the rent is $525/month!!! Good grief, there are apartments out there that are a little less than that....but....they might not be nice ones. So...with that said...I'm keeping my options open should Darren and I make the final decision...after counseling and seeing how thigs go this month...that we are not going to stay together. Speaking of staying together...I started packing things in boxes the other day. Darren looked really uncomforable with that. Jordin also made him cry when she said 'It's ok daddy...you just have to stand strong'. Very wise for a 4 year old. I honestly think that the reality of it all hit him with the packing. He knows that if we split up, I won't come back. It will be over permanently. He is making plans for us to go camping in about 3 weeks with a friend of his so that is a positive thing. I just can't get my hopes up. I don't want or need my heart broken anymore than it already is. I want to thank my friends....Stephanie, Danelle and Stacey for all of their kind words and advice. You guys are awesome and I cannot thank you enough for helping me keep my head on straight. If I didn't have you guys, who knows where I would be now.... |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 03,May,2004 | But of course... urlLink urlLink Which Disney Princess are you? |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 03,May,2004 | Day 2.... Day 1 went pretty well. Great group of people to work with. It's not the most mentally stimulating job in the world but it is a job and I'm not complaining. :) It's very laid back for a car dealership. I don't have to dress up and that is a good thing. I can wear jeans and sneakers!!! Pretty cool huh? Shocked me to be honest with you. The other 2 dealerships I worked for, I had to dress up everyday...didn't make sense when I was down by the service area and around the oil/grease and dirt. So now I have a job...and I'm happy about that. :) |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 03,May,2004 | Hi Ho...it's off to work I go... Today is my first day. Nervous? Not really. At least not yet. We will see in about 20 minutes....:) |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 02,May,2004 | Movie!!!! Ok...I'm not one for tv movies but I really want to see urlLink 10.5 What is frightening is...it's not so far fetched and living in the Pacific Northwest...scares the hell out of me. I felt the one that Seattle had in 2001. Not a comfortable feeling when something you think is solid starts moving. Hopefully this movie will be good...looks like it will be. A UCLA professor's prediction that a 6.5 (or higher) earthquake will hit the California desert between now and Sept. 5...that is a danged big quake!!! Question is....will it trigger more? |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 02,May,2004 | Questions... Darren and I had a HUGE fight Friday night. I said some things that I shouldn't have. Called him names that I didn't think I would ever do. Of course, alcohol does things that make you do what you normally wouldn't. We had decided that it's over and no way in hell will it be fixed. He almost went out to sleep in his Explorer. I talked him out of it. Saturday we went to the Apple Blossom Parade and things were ok. Not too stressful. When we got home, J. decided to throw a rock and busted out the taillight on my car. I had to walk away from her I was so pissed. I went into the bedroom and started bawling. Darren came in and did something that he has never done...he held me while I cried and...smoothed my hair like you would a child who is crying. He has never and I mean NEVER done anything like that. That got me crying more. Good grief I'm tired of crying. I cried yet again today...Jordin was talking about 'her family', meaning Darren's family. That did it...I lost it all over again. Darren came in and...you guessed it...held me again. After I took my shower today he had a proposition...he wants to see what will happen with us in the next month. He is going to see a counselor tomorrow. I start my new job tomorrow. He told me that the band is going to start recording and will have pretty much set days for that but they will not be doing anything on the weekends. He said that would be time for us to do things. He also said that if we don't have plans, he would like to go fishing with his buddy Duke or golfing with his friend Tony. I told him that I don't have any problem with that and I had told him that a long time ago. Do I know what is going to happen? No. Do I love Darren? Yes. In spite of how much of a jerk he can be and has been, I still love him. I shouldn't....I know. But I do. I see the good in him that is there. He is not all the asshole that he wants to present himself to be. I even told him that. Danelle told me about a book urlLink Love must be Tough . I told Darren that I wanted to get it but I don't have the money. He said that when he gets paid this week, we will get it. Just from reading some of the reviews, it sounds like it will be a big help. Whether Darren and I stay together or not. It may give me some insight on why I choose the men I do. I have a lot of healing to do. I have to read this book because I know that I cannot heal on my own. I need help. If Darren wants this to work, he has to read it also. At this point...we are at a standstill as to the moving situation. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 15,May,2004 | For my friends... If one day you feel like crying... Call me. I don't promise that I will make you laugh But I can cry with you. If one day you want to run away Call me. I don't promise to ask you to stop, But I can run with you. If one day you don't want to listen to anybody Call me I promise to be very quiet. But... If one day you call And there is no answer, come fast Perhaps I need you. ~ Author Unknown |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 14,May,2004 | Nature at it's finest Would urlLink this be a woman's dream or a man's? Sorry but blog surfing and found this to be quite interesting. The things you find on other blogs...LOL |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 14,May,2004 | Itinerary... Shower Eat breakfast Get a birthday gift for the cutest 1 year old boy Go to liquor store (sadly not for tequila but boxes) Laundry Dishes Packing more of the house Eat lunch sometime More packing Check email More packing Dinner? Laundry Might even squeeze in a movie on DVD Calgon take me away!!! |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 14,May,2004 | Packing I do believe that there is nothing worse in this world than moving. Ok, now that I thought about it...there are worse things but go with me on this one. We are moving next weekend. We are finishing up packing this weekend. I've got quite a bit done actually. The decorations are down and in boxes. Now it's just weeding through the crap that we have accumulated in 9 months...most of it garbage. Good grief it's amazing what you hang onto. I've got most of my stuff done. I don't dare touch Darren's things. He is THE worst packrat I have ever met. Keeps just about everything!!! The man has ticket stubs from concerts he saw 20 years ago!!! Believe me...he has a lot of stubs. I don't touch anything. I just put it aside and let him go through the stuff. Much easier on me that way. :) We are going to the liquor store tomorrow. No...not for tequila...but boxes. Darren is 110% set on camping Memorial weekend. IS HE NUTS????? I hate camping on holiday weekends. Everyone and their dog is out then. I'm not going to say no though. He has a major camping itch that needs to be scratched. Who am I to deny him that? I don't think it would be fair to not go. He deserves it. He works his hiney off and needs some relax time. Then again...so do I. Especially after moving. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 13,May,2004 | Correction... I have TWO sick children. I kept Jordin home today. How about that...not going in only 2 weeks after starting a new job? SUCKS! Anyway...Kyla wasn't feeling great but told her that she should go to school and if she started feeling worse to come home. 2 hours later...Kyla is home. They are now eating peanut butter sandwiches and watching Scooby Doo. Oooo....Harlem Globetrotters are on with Scooby Doo. Anyone remember that? LOL Wow...do I feel old. I bought a DVD for Darren last night and had it sitting by the monitor when he came home from practice. This morning he got up and said 'Thank you for the movie honey! Where did you find it? You really didn't have to buy it for me.' I told him 'I know I didn't have to buy it for you. They had it at Target and I knew that you loved it.' He thanked me again but I had to say 'Honey, this is what people do for people they love. Buy things or do things for them even though they don't have to.' He gave me a HUGE hug after that one. I'm sure I shocked him but he was genuinely surprised and happy. Not a bad return for a $10 DVD huh? The man has just got to not be so tight with his money. Something like what I did for him would mean the world to me if he did the same thing. Not that I am asking him to spend money on me but to just think of me when he sees something that he knows I would love. Am I asking too much here? |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 13,May,2004 | Never knew... Well...we started counseling yesterday. It went pretty well. Somethings were brought out that I didn't know. Things that I was honestly shocked about. We have another appointment on May 26. Things seem to be looking up but who knows. We shall see if he can follow through on what we are working towards. I have set some goals for myself and I am going to reach them. I'm going to reach them for me and only me. Sometimes I wonder if there is just too much water under the bridge and this won't work out. There are days I seriously think that he is just being nice and moving to the new place with us (me and the girls) so it will make it easier on me. He knows that I can't afford to move on my own. If he moves with us, he would be helping pay. Then once we are settled, he will say that it's not working and he will move out. I don't know...maybe I'm just over-analyzing things. At this point, anything is possible. All I do know is that I'm moving to a nicer place and if Darren does move out, I can afford it on my own. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 12,May,2004 | So sleepy... Well I have a sick child...that should read 'Jordin got her allergies from her spermdonor'. Poor kid, she is so stuffed up and her eyes are totally glossed over. Breaks my heart. Darren should be bringing home some Benadryl. That will knock her out for the night. I know that I should be doing more things around the house to pack up but I'm just not up for it...I'm draggin' hiney fer sure. I just walked into the living room and Jordin looked at me and said 'Mommy, you know what I could use?' I said 'What honey?' She said 'I could really use a hug.' Did that just melt my heart (and yours) or what? It is moments like these that make me love being a mom. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 12,May,2004 | Water Cooler talk... There has been a lot of talk today wherever you go about Nick Berg. I am guilty of being one of the talkers. I am one of the Americans who has seen the video. I saw it last night. I can't even begin to describe my feelings at watching that atrocity. I didn't know whether to cry or throw up. Then I sat back and thought that it was very much like a Hollywood movie. Then...sadness that we have been so desensitized by those movies that we can't even comprehend fact from fiction. All I could say...to myself since Darren wasn't home...Dear God, what is this world coming to? I'm still in shock. I'm sickened. I'm sad. I'm pissed as all get out. I'm frustrated. How many more people have to die for this??? Dear God...make it stop!!! |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 11,May,2004 | Gag... I just looked up from my monitor and who do I see pulling up outside? The slumlord. So much for my appetite. Funny thing...he bitched so much about me getting the rent to him....he still has yet to cash my check!!! I wrote it on the 5th and it's now the 11th!!! What does that tell you about the SOB???? The bastard......he hasn't even said one word to me or Darren since we turned in our notice. Does that surprise anyone?????? |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 10,May,2004 | Yawn... Ok...I'm done fooling around with this 'new' blogger...nighty night. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 10,May,2004 | urlLink Tracey and Goofy urlLink |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 10,May,2004 | If it ain't broke.... DON'T FIX IT!!!! Changed my flipping template...of course I wasn't smart enough to write down what I had on my old blog...ding ding ding...I need to get to bed. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 10,May,2004 | How did they know? Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz! |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 10,May,2004 | Rainy days and Mondays... Ok..it's not raining but it was thinking about it today. I hate Mondays. The weekend is just never long enough. It was actually a decent weekend. The drive to Yakima and home yesterday wasn't my idea of a good time but all in all, not too bad. It was a gorgeous day so I can't complain too much. Things are going ok with me and Darren. Our counseling appointment is on Wednesday at 9:00am. He is looking forward to it as much as I am. We were talking Friday night and he said that I had said some pretty mean things to him last Friday. I said that I knew I did but I also apologized for them. He has yet to accept my apology. When I found out about the tramp in Texas whom he had cybersex with, he apologized for it profusely and I accepted it. Why can't he accept mine? That I don't understand. Guess I will find out on Wednesday. I know, or at least feel that we need to start with a clean slate. Learn from the past but not bring it up. I know I have to heal from his actions on the computer. Not an easy task but I'm trying. I'm not ugly...I'm not obese...I'm not a total loser. I know I'm not these things but why do I feel so insecure around Darren? |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 21,May,2004 | Nope...ain't gonna do it! After much thinking and advice from friends, I'm not going to get the magazine. I'm not really going to do much about the porn thing. He has made his choices. We will see what happens in counseling next week. Until that time we are moving into a nice townhouse. One that I can afford if Darren does move out. I'm thinking that before summer is over, we will not be together. The porn thing has caused me to lose a lot of respect for him. He is turned on by pictures but not by me. I would be ok with it if he would get turned on and then come to bed with me but that doesn't happen. Like Annette said, I deserve to be with someone who will treat me like a princess. I deserve better than what I'm getting now. Darren knows what I want. He has to make the decision to do the little things that mean everything to me or let the relationship end. If he does choose the relationship, we have A LOT of work to do to make it stable again. I mean A hella LOT. Until that time...I'm living the best I can. I won't be online until sometime next week. We are moving this weekend so internet access will be non-existant for me. Thanks everyone...you are awesome!!! |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 20,May,2004 | Another sigh... My head says one thing, my heart says another. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 19,May,2004 | Advice Ok...I'm needing some advice here. We all know where my relationship with Darren is. He knows how he has hurt me with his comments about me and my body. He has not touched me in any kind of intimate way since early January. He says he has no sexual drive but yet is still receiving Playboy and also looking at porn sites while I'm not home. I'm seriously considering getting my own subscription to a urlLink magazine . Part of it is to read it...LOL The other part is to see what kind of reaction I will get out of Darren. I know how insecure he is about his body and man parts. I'm just wondering that if he sees I'm looking at other men the way I should be looking at him, he will understand how I need him to look at me and want me like he wants the women on the porn sites. Thoughts on this please... |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 18,May,2004 | Wierd I'm sitting here minding my own business. The Mariner game is white noise. All of a sudden....DOWNPOUR!!! Where in the heck did that come from??? Sounded like the wind picked up. I look outside and whadda ya know? Huge and I mean HUGE raindrops falling. Now this wouldn't be so strange if it was cloudy but I am looking west and the sun is peeking above the hill saying goodnight and I'm seeing blue sky. Must be a stray storm cloud. Freaky. I hate it when that happens. Ok, back to your regularly scheduled program. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 16,May,2004 | *scratching my head* urlLink Huh? Oh the things the mind can and most likely would do if my mind worked that way but it doesn't so I can't think of those things no matter how hard I try to I just can't... |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 16,May,2004 | Sigh... If I could only put into words what I'm thinking. I can't. I wish I could. But...I can tell you...I GOT MY KAHONA'S BACK!!! I'm in charge now and ain't no one going to tell me otherwise...got it? ;) |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 16,May,2004 | It was a good day... When God created The Dollar Tree. I do not think that anymore needs to be said. ;) |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 16,May,2004 | Changes they are a comin'... Ok...I'm changing my kitchen. Doing the grape 'Tuscany' thing. Why you ask? Beats me...seems like a good idea. Found a couple of cute things at Goodwill today and then went to Ross and if I were a rich woman...I would have SCORED huge!!! I did get a couple of cool things there though. Had a nice day with the girls and Darren went golfing...speaking of Darren...he just got home. Guess I will go see how his day went...ttfn |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 29,May,2004 | I don't wanna... Going out of town this weekend. Darren wants to see his family. I don't want to go. It's gonna be a lonnnnnnnggggggg weekend. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 27,May,2004 | WTF??? I can't even begin to fathom the evil behind urlLink this . |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 26,May,2004 | Did I already know this? LOL Your Heart is Blue urlLink What Color is Your Heart? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 26,May,2004 | Shaking my head... I will never get it will I? Cinderella! urlLink What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!) brought to you by urlLink Quizilla |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 26,May,2004 | Clean Sweep... Wow...would that be a metaphor for my life? Good grief I need some help!!! Well...went to counseling today. Just when I thought that Darren and I were making progress in our relationship, he drops a bomb on me. Seems that after I told him my feelings on the porn issue, he thinks we have gone one or two steps backwards. WHAT??? I would think that opening up about something that bothers me would be a good thing, right? Guess not. I asked him flat out if he wanted me to express my feelings about things or be a Stepford Wife? He said that he wants me to express my feelings. Well goodness...when I do, he cops a nasty attitude and invalidates everything I said. I just don't get it. I'm a Stepford wife and that isn't what he wants. I express how I feel about things that bother me and that isn't what he wants. WTF??? We are in counseling to discuss things that are bothering us but when I start talking about things that I haven't told him, he says that he has been nothing but lamb basted and attacked. I just don't get it. I really don't. Our appointment was at 9am. It is now 9pm and he is back to loving on me and giving me kisses and making plans to go see his family and my parents this weekend. Oy vey! I'm so confused right now I don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 26,May,2004 | Does this surprise anyone? you are THE DRAGON! you're often misunderstood, but are actually quite flirtatious and romantic urlLink what shrek character are you? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 26,May,2004 | I'm back... Just in case anyone was missing me... |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 05,June,2004 | A Walk to Remember If you have not seen urlLink A Walk to Remember I highly recommend seeing it. I'm a chick flick junkie and this is a 5 tissue movie. I wasn't a Mandy Moore fan but she is quite good in this movie and I have listened to her music and I like it. Does that make me bubble gum? LOL My favorite song in the movie is urlLink Only Hope . I'm now reading the book and I know darned good and well that it will be better than the movie. They always are. Thing I hate is that they stray so much from the book that it's not really true to the story. But...Nicholas Sparks is awesome anyway. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 03,June,2004 | A storage unit and junk beyond belief Well Darren and I did it. We went to our storage unit and cleaned. I mean we CLEANED!!! Got rid of I don't know how many bags of garbage. Sent quite a bit of stuff to Goodwill also. Feels good to get rid of crap that has been totally forgotten. I realized something after the cleaning though...I HAVE TOO MUCH LEGAL PAPERWORK!!! Good grief. Now we can work on this house. The kitchen looks great though. I did it in a grape/wine theme. Purples. It's nice. Did the 1/2 bath in my old 'frou frou' stuff. It's the girls bathroom and Kyla loves that kind of thing. Darren hasn't said anything about it yet...I'm waiting though. LOL As for me and Darren...things are ok. They aren't fantastic like when we first got together but then again...does anyone ever have that feeling again after being together for so long? The honeymoon phase is over and real life has settled in. I'm not saying that real life is a bad thing but sometimes we take reality for granted and forget that at one point in time the fantasy was what we lived for. The romance, the butterflies, the giddy feeling of seeing each other again, the stars in our eyes. That is the tough part to try and keep in a relationship. We are both trying though. He isn't talking about 'if we stay together' anymore. Now he talks about our future. I did say something about getting married today. Ok...I heard a gasp from Stacey and Annette...I'm not saying we are getting married. I have a ring that my biological mother gave to me that her husband, my biological father, gave to her. I found it today while cleaning. I showed the ring to Darren and said 'If we do decide to get married, it would mean the world to me to have this repaired and given to me as an engagement ring'. Darren said 'Ok...that is duly noted' He didn't get pissy about it or anything. That was all that was said. I don't know if we will get married. At this point, we are a long way from that point. Right now we are living one day at a time. Basically falling in love again. I love him...very much. Our therapist even said that she could tell just from talking to me. One thing I have found, I'm not depressed anymore. I'm not hating life like I did a couple of months ago. I'm thinking that this new place is helping. I love this apartment. :) It's making a difference with Darren too. He seems happier. We both are. Maybe being happier with our surroundings will spill over into our relationship. Like I said...one day at a time. That is the best we can do. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 03,June,2004 | Cute but innocence is not always what it seems... You are a Hedgehog You are a hedgehog. While to most you look like the sort of cute animal that itself might get eaten to others you are a voracious predator. You need to munch your way through a few more subjects of the animal kingdom before you can truly call yourself an omnivore. You have eaten: pig urlLink Which Cute Animals Have You Eaten? Ok...I've eaten beef but the picture of the cute little cow was just too much for me to bear looking at. LOL |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 01,June,2004 | Where is a book when you need one? Instructions: 1. Grab the nearest book. 2. Open the book to page 23. 3. Find the fifth sentence. 4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions. My answer: The more Joe insults her and spurn her advances, the more intensely she seems to want and need him. Good grief it sounds like a smut novel and it's not!!! LOL It's 'Love Must be Tough'...suggested reading by Danelle. Love ya babe! |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 01,June,2004 | Oh why the heck not? Silly but fun...post in comments and then post the questions to your blog then I will reciprocate...:) 1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 2. Am I loveable? 3. How long have you known me? 4. When and how did we first meet? 5. What was your first impression? 6. Do you still think that way about me now? 7. What do you think my weakness is? 9. What makes me happy? 10. What makes me sad? 11. What reminds you of me? 12. If you could give me anything what would it be? 13. How well do you know me? 14. When's the last time you saw me? 15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? 16. Do you think I could kill someone? 17. Describe me in one word. 18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same? 19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen? 20. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you? |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 01,June,2004 | Hello Well I am back. I survived the weekend and believe it or not, it wasn't too bad. Saturday we went out to dinner with Darren's immediate family for his parents 39th wedding anniversary. I remained sober thank you very much. :) Sunday we went to his uncle's cabin out in the middle of BFE. Man it was great. Only an outhouse and a generator for power. That is what life is all about folks. Same night went to Darren's friends house. Had a couple of drinks (still remained sober) but was wiped out by 11pm. Sunday...more visiting with family. My parents and his aunt and uncle. Picked K up at 5:30 from her father (yes, she got hurt again this weekend. Fell into the campfire. Burned the heck out of her butt but not too severe.) Came home last night and died. I need a weekend to recover from the weekend. *yawn* Ok...I'm sure you are wonder just 'how well' did Darren and I get along. Believe me, I didn't know what was going to happen. I know that I certainly didn't want to spend the weekend with him. But...me being the nice person that I am, I went anyway. Hold on to your seats...HE WAS THE DARREN I MET AND FELL IN LOVE WITH!!! Funny thing is...he didn't realize he was acting that way. Amazing how that happens when you do things that you 'want' to do not forced to do. He was very attentive and loving to me which in all honesty shocked the hell out of me. I wasn't sure what to think. I just enjoyed it. We had a talk on the way home yesterday and got a lot of stuff out in the open. He didn't realize that I don't have much of a s*x drive anymore. I haven't since my hysterectomy in September. I kinda have one but not like I had before my surgery. To be upfront about it...s*x scares me. Terrifies me actually. He didn't know that at all. Interesting thing is...he said the same thing for him. It scares him too. This is what lack of communication will do to a relationship. So with that said...we have a counseling appointment tomorrow. I'm still unsure what is going to happen to us but we are talking and that is a start. I can't ask for anymore than that. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 11,June,2004 | Test,test and one more test I have an 'interview' of sorts coming up on June 26th. It's actually a series of tests before the actual interview. I will be testing to get on a register for the sheriff's department here. The position is for a receptionist. The pay is MUCH better than what I am getting now and bennies are included...at least I am guessing they are. It's the county so I'm sure that I would get bennies. Anyway...I'm a tad nervous about it and yet not. I'm sure of my skills (they want someone who can type 50 WPM...I type 60+) but I hate tests. With a passion I hate tests. Doesn't matter what kind of test, I hate it. So...I'm not a religious person as you all know but I do believe in God...did I hear a gasp? So with that said...please pray that I get the job. Silly critter I'm sitting here watching Raisin run on his wheel. For those of you who don't know who Raisin is...he is my oldest daughters teddy bear hamster. Cute little bugger...gray head and hiney and white around the middle. Heavens but he is a poofy thing!!! Sweet as all get out though. I love to watch him clean his face and just in general take his spit bath. LOL I know...GET A LIFE TRACEY!!! But he really is a dolly. Not mean at all and has never bitten anyone. He is funny when he runs in his wheel though. He doesn't just get in it, face forward and run. No..not Raisin. He gets in, sticks his little head out to the side and runs. It's like he is wanting to see where he is going without the wheel hampering his vision. I'm babbling tonight. I'm tired and Darren isn't home and the sheets are in the dryer drying. So here I sit watching a fuzzy rodent and babble on my blog. Good grief I need a life. LOL But...I'm happy right now with my life. Darren and I are falling in love again, my girls are sleeping angels right now, found a great new daycare for the girls, I'm slowly losing weight, my hair is growing, I live in a nice townhouse and I'm healthy. Can't ask for more than that. Well...maybe not being in debt but other than that...I'm happy. ;) |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 06,June,2004 | Only Hope So I lay my head back down And I lift my hands and pray to be only yours I pray to be only yours I know now you're my Only hope. ~ Sung by Mandy Moore I don't know...it's weird. My feelings for Darren change everyday. Could it be that I'm falling in love with him again? I know that I'm taking things one day at a time but I actually look forward to seeing him after we have been apart during the day. I look forward to hearing his voice and seeing his face and smile. He just walked in the door and I'm excited to see him. I haven't felt that in I don't know how long. He is beginning to share his music with me and letting me listen to the rough recordings that they have been doing. He is even asking my opinion about them. He never used to do that. He kept everything to himself. It's nice to be involved in that part of his life. I bought him a card tonight and he loved it. He is impressed that someone who we don't know can write a greeting card that expresses exactly what and how we feel. Then again...it's a Hallmark. :) |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 06,June,2004 | I never thought this at all... You are Franklin! urlLink Which Peanuts Character are You? brought to you by urlLink Quizilla |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 19,June,2004 | Lost in a fog... I'm alive. Actually I'm existing. I'm going through the motions of being alive but inside I have died. I feel that my entire core being has just withered away. I know that I wasn't living for Darren and he wasn't the reason I existed but I love him. I wish I could say 'loved' but I can't. I'm still very much in love with him. I went to Yakima this weekend to be with a friend of mine. She didn't want me sitting at home with Darren. She said that I needed to get away and try to clear my head. I'm here and I know that my head isn't as messed up as it was yesterday but I know that once I go back home, I will be back in a swamp of emotions that I don't want to be in. Before I left yesterday, he told Jordin that mommy and daddy are breaking up. She ran up to her bedroom and started crying. She said 'I don't want you to go, Daddy'. He said 'I don't want to leave either.' Huh? Did that confuse me more? You could say that. He told me that he doesn't want this to end but he doesn't think that he can make a solid committment. No, that doesn't make sense to me either. While he was holding Jordin he turned and looked at me and said 'This is why I don't want to leave.' That, I believe, is the wrong reason to stay. He should want to stay because of me not just my girls. I told him 'I come along with her. It's a package deal.' He said 'I know. Why can't we wait awhile, at least another month and see where this will go?' I didn't answer. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 18,June,2004 | The Answer He can't commit. It's over. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 17,June,2004 | ultimatum and a life in the balance Well I did it. I gave him an ultimatum tonight. He needs to either end it now and quit playing me or commit 100% to thinking and having this relationship work. He said he will think about it while at band practice tonight and also sleep on it. He said that he didn't realize that he was playing me and that wasn't his intentions. He also said 'I don't want you settling for me when there might be someone out there who is better'. I politely told him to not tell me what he thinks I need. He can't tell me or know what I feel or need. Only I know what I need and want. I told him to not turn this into 'I'm doing what is best for you and the girls'. This is not about me and the girls. This is all about him. He said that somedays he feels that we are totally right. Then on other days, we are wrong. Well, welcome to a real relationship Darren. All relationships are that way. His mom, who has been married to his dad for 39 years this year, was questioning it last year. She was wondering why she is married to him. No relationship is perfect. There are peaks and valleys. Sometimes you can't stand the person you are married to and sometimes you adore them. So...now everything is hinging on what he decides. Honestly, if I could afford it right now, I would leave him or kick him out. I don't need this kind of stress. I don't want it. I'm better than that. I know I am. Ya know...I did ask him that when I lose the weight I've gained is he going to think everything of me and say that he is in love with me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He said...after a long pause...'I don't know. If I do then I'm shallow and a dick aren't I?' I said 'Yep because whether I'm a size 7 or a 10, I'm still Tracey inside. The woman you fell in love with. The woman you had no questions about when you told me you loved me the first time.' He then had to tell me 'Maybe I fell out of love with the Tracey on the inside also'. Ok...a lightbulb just went off in my head. An epiphany if you will. He is shallow and superficial. Then someone please tell me something. Why do I love him so much or am I just so comfortable that I'm terrified to be single again? |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 16,June,2004 | No self-respecting person... Would stay in a situation like I am in. I feel like a complete and utter fool. I honestly thought that things were changing. I truly felt that he was falling in love with me again. I feel ridiculous. I'm not saying that he hasn't done some changing, he has. He is more attentive to me, tells me he loves me (yes, you read that right), kisses me (not passionate ones) and spends time with me. Sounds like a perfect relationship right? I know it did to me. Yesterday was like a kick in the tummy. All the wind was knocked right out of me. I agree with you Danelle...where is my dignity? I wish I knew. I've been looking at him like a puppy and doing things that I wish I hadn't done like writing him little notes, giving him e-cards and cards, buying him the movie he has been wanting. All of this and guess what? Nothing in return for me. There is your first clue Sherlock!!! DAMN IT!!! I cannot believe I let myself believe. In hindsite, it looks like desperate moves. It won't happen anymore though. It's something that I have to break the habit of doing. I can't do things for him like I have been. He has noticed how I have been and even he said that I deserve more than what he is giving me. No shit I do!!! Then why do I still love him? Why can't I just get out? Fear...that is why. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 16,June,2004 | Raisin Why can't I be like Raisin or be a hamster? They don't have to do much but eat, sleep, poop and play on their wheel. They only have a life span of about 2 and 1/2 years. Perfect. *wishing I was Raisin right now* Post Script... I was wrong...Darren isn't falling in love with me again (found that out today at counseling).Shows what I know..NOTHING!!! I KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! Seems that he still thinks of me as just a friend. Nothing romantic at all. He doesn't know if he will ever feel that way about me again but doesn't want to break up until he knows for sure. He says he doesn't want to make a mistake by leaving me and then realizing that I'm who he wants to be with. Can you all say 'Tracey you are unbeliveably stupid for believing that things were changing and that he wanted to be with you in a romantic sense?' I know I can...been saying it to myself all day today. How can I be so stupid???? *trying desperately to not start crying* |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 15,June,2004 | Anyone agree with this? L Loud O Overwhelming V Virtuous I Innocent N Nice S Smooth T Tempting I Irresistible T Tame C Cuddly H Haunting Name / Username: urlLink Name Acronym Generator From urlLink Go-Quiz.com |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 25,June,2004 | Too hot for my taste Hi there. I don't know if I'm back or not. I do know that I'm still alive and surviving. Barely but I'm here. Still unsure what is going on. Actually I know what my gut says I should do. It's just a matter of time. I guess you could say that my relationship with Darren is just taking it's final gasps of breath and try to hold onto life. I asked him tonight why is he still around? He said 'I'm not ready to kick the bucket'. Inside I was saying to myself 'But what if I am?' I'm closing up and I can feel it. It's almost a physical thing. It's strange but scares the hell out of me at the same time. The walls I had before Darren are going back up and I'm shutting down. I'm becoming what I was right after I discovered what my ex husband did (a story best left alone). I don't eat much. I eat just not a lot. Don't feel up to it. I don't smile much. I don't laugh much. I'm existing. Just as I did before Darren. Sometimes I wonder if that is all my life is to be...existing. I'm scared...truly scared. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 20,June,2004 | It's better to burn out than fade away... I love that saying. I'm not going to burn out but I am going to fade away for awhile. For how long, I don't know but I need to disappear for awhile. Please don't worry about me. I will be fine and hopefully I will be more myself when I come back. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 20,June,2004 | Early morning drive and sunflower seeds I drove home this morning. I mean THIS morning. I left my friends house in Yakima at 1:00am. I got home at 3:00am. I just wasn't tired and I needed some time to just think. J. slept most of the way so I had my music on and ate sunflower seeds incase I got tired. I didn't. I did a lot of thinking in those 2 hours. Do you know what I came up with ? Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch. Squat. I don't know anymore after some clear thinking than I did Friday morning when my entire world came crashing down on me. This would be so much easier on me if he would cheat on me or something like that. How does a person let go of someone they love so much? Even though that someone isn't deserving of that love and probably never was? I have a huge knot in my chest and feel like I just want to curl up, go to sleep and never wake up again. I've never felt this kind of hurt before. I've always gotten out of a relationship when the feelings were gone and I was the one doing the leaving. I've had men break up with me but not when the relationship was as involved as mine is with Darren. *tired of crying and wanting everything back to what it was* I don't understand why he is doing this!!! Someone please help me to understand!!! |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 01,July,2004 | Yesterday, today and tomorrow I can't help but think that I'm not nuts. A little cookoo sometimes but not nuts. Ready for a bit of interesting information? Men look at me. I mean it...They really do look at me and *gasp* some of them even flirt. A man flirted with me today. It was quite funny to experience actually. He has only been in the dealership once since I started on May 3. Today when he came in he looked at me and said 'Hey, you colored your hair'. Now how many men actually notice when a woman colors their hair? Especially one who has only seen said woman once? Not like it was a drastic color change. Just got rid of my highlights and went back to my natural color all over my head. Good grief...It took Darren 1/2 a day to notice and say something. Anyway my point is...it felt great to have someone of the opposite sex pay attention to me. He even thought I was 34. I wanted to kiss him for that one...LOL Granted, it's only 3 years but when you get to be this close to 40, 3 years is a big deal. Wow...I just made my heart almost stop...almost 40!!! Good grief that just sounds old...no offense to those of you who are 40. LOL As for my outlook on my relationship with Darren...I told him the other night that my walls are back up and I've shut down emotionally. He gave me an odd look and said that he understood. He said he wants to try but doesn't want to get my hopes up if it doesn't come back. How can I get my hopes up when I'm emotionally bankrupt and have no hope anyway? If anyone needs to get the romantic feeling back it's me. The point that I'm at right now, I just don't know if that is possible. Do I really want it to work? That is the question here. Now that he does, I don't know if I do. How's that for turning the tables? |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 30,June,2004 | Only a strong woman... I feel like I'm Rose Dewitt Bukater on the Titanic, floating on a door out in the middle of the Atlantic and even though there are people out there, I can't quite speak loud enough to get help. Where does she get the courage to just jump into the icy cold Atlantic? The words 'You jump, I jump'. That is where... |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 28,June,2004 | To the footbridge and back James!!! Well I started walking tonight. It was tough at the beginning. Boy did my calves hurt. I'm sure they are going to kill me in the morning. But....I feel really good after doing it. I went walking with a friend from our bowling team. She is great to talk to. It's nice having someone to talk to while doing something so incredibly boring. The time went by quickly. I'm thinking that we walked about a mile and 3/4. We are going to walk again on Wednesday. I'm thinking that we will do this 2 or 3 times a week. Will be nice later in the evening like we did tonight. The place we walked is called urlLink The Loop . It's basically a bike path that is on both sides of the Columbia River and crosses on the north end and south end of Wenatchee/East Wenatchee. It was a gorgeous night so that made my 1st time much easier. LOL So with the walking started, Andrea and I should look fabulous by the time bowling starts the end of August. :) Men...eat your heart out!!! |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 27,June,2004 | Friends and incentives I just chatted with a friend of mine online. He is a wonderful man even though I have never met him face to face. It's amazing how someone can be such a good and caring friend even though you have never met physically. Harry and I have been friends since August or September 2001. I met him on AOL and we have stayed in touch ever since. Tonight he and I chatted a bit about my relationship with Darren. That turned to my outlook on myself. I have issues with my weight. Since my hysterectomy, I've gained 20 pounds. I don't like it. Well tonight my friend Harry pretty much kicked my butt and told me to get rid of the weight if I don't like it. He said that he will give me an incentive to lose it. Now the incentive pretty much has me blown away. Ready for this? A weekend vacation with me and the girls PLUS for every pound I lose, he will give me $25. Ok folks now my math truly sucks but that is $500 he is willing to give me just to lose my weight and get my self confidence back. I don't know about you but that is one hell of an incentive. I know that you are probably thinking 'Tracey, you have never met this man. Are you nuts?'. Actually...if I had just met him online, sure I would be nuts. I've known Harry for almost 3 years and even though he has had my phone number and address, he has not once stalked me or given me cause to fear him. So...starting tomorrow, June 28, I am going to lose 20 pounds and will lose it by September 28. A reasonable feat and I know that I can do it. I'm going to start walking tomorrow and do some other exercises to get rid of this crap that is hanging on my body. No...not for Darren. This is all about me now. It's about my self-worth and self-confidence. It's all about me! |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 27,June,2004 | Dreamless sleep Well...don't ask how my weekend is going. If anything can go wrong, it has. Interview? Fouled up. Cleaning the girls room? Too hot. Talking to K? Not a chance (love the stepmonster). I came home yesterday from the fouled up interview and told Darren I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. He told me that isn't the way to think and I can't do that. I changed my clothes after that and pretty much did nothing. Oh..I did take a nap. Woo hoo. He went to a car dealership yesterday. Came home with a 1997 GMC Yukon. All that is left is for him to sell his Trendwest and he will be getting his boat. Know what is funny about all of this? He keeps saying 'his family' when he talks about the rig and boat and how he needs it for us. Last weekend he didn't want to commit to me and now...well I don't know now. This morning he kissed me and called me 'pumpkin'. WTF? He has never called me that. He is being nice to me in a way that men who want to turn someone's head would do. Kind of. Am I letting it get to me? Not really. Nothing is really getting to me anymore. I think I used the word earlier...existing. That is what I'm doing. Know what is really interesting? I was the same way with my 1st husband, K's father and my second husband. I'm seeing a pattern here. Either a pattern or this is what life is really all about. Maybe true love doesn't exist and we are just meant to find someone we can get along with. Live life from day to day and not really have the romance or butterflies. Don't really expect that anymore anyway. I sound pathetic. Well right now...I'm going to be pathetic. I have that right and it's my perogative. I am woman without ovaries!!! I can be cranky. I can be sad. I can be pissed. I can be happy. I can be whatever I want to be....correction...I can be whatever the lack of hormones wants me to be. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 06,July,2004 | Hello Just a hello and I have not died. Today was a tough day. Believe it or not...it wasn't with Darren. Just the POS job that I have and the boredom that I endure everyday. Listen up folks...I have read 5...count them FIVE....novels in 3 weeks. 1. The Guardian - Nicholas Sparks 2. The Notebook - N.S. 3. Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas - James Patterson 4. A walk to Remember - Nicholas Sparks 5. You belong to me - Ann Rule I am currently on my sixth. This one is another Ann Rule book. I know what you are thinking and believe me, I have asked for things to do but the *itch of an office manager won't teach me anything. She is the type where she doesn't want anyone to know the things she knows...apparently thinking it's job security and they won't survive without her. Wonk wonk wonk. Whatever. Anyway...today was just the straw that broke the camels back. I am looking for another job. I can't deal with this crap anymore. On an up side...Darren and I are getting along. Very well actually. No fights and he was very complimentary all weekend. No, not getting my hopes up just in case that was being thought. Just taking life with him one day at a time. Now to find a good job where I actually WORK!!!! |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 17,July,2004 | When a door closes... A window opens. Now that the door that held Darren and I together is closed...I'm waiting for a window to open. Oh yeah...I'm moving out in less than 4 weeks. I'm ok though. It will be strange for awhile but I will get used to it. Darren wants to try and date once we aren't living together anymore. I told him that I won't come to Wenatchee to see him. I will be living in Yakima. I told him I won't call him. I won't email either. Do I think he will try and see me once I have moved out? No. I don't. We talked last night and he knows that I have no love for him and he knows that he is the one who killed it. What is really sad about this whole thing is that I'm not totally broken up about it. Does that make me a heartless *itch? |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 14,July,2004 | Yada yada yada I'm going to be doing some work today. I'm actually getting paid for it too! I'm going to be helping a friend clean some apartments. Ok...not the most glamorous job but it's money. She and her husband have a cleaning company here in town. They don't have to ask me to do this but they know I need the money and any kind of job until I can find an office position. But...if this job works into something that pays really well, I might consider it. It's part time but full time pay. Four days on, 3 days off. That way I can still have my fun on the weekends. It would also be great for when I start school next year. See? I'm thinking ahead. I was emptying some boxes from the move the other night and found something I wish I hadn't. I found the wedding band that Darren bought for me. Still wrapped up and in the envelope the jeweler put it in. Talk about depressing. Well...maybe a little. I'm not focusing on that though. I have other things that I need to take care of and not worry about something that is most likely never going to be. I'm going to Yakima on Monday for J's appointment but I've got other things to do besides that. I'm going to a personnel agency that I used to work for when I lived there. We are going to update my records there and start looking for a job. I really don't want to live in Yakima but I'm finding that I may not have much of a choice. I can't afford to live in Seattle...been there, done that. We will see what there is in Yakima on Monday. Who knows...it might be a good move. *yeah right* |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 12,July,2004 | What to do, what to do... I am no longer working for the *itch of an office manager. She didn't tell me why I wasn't going to work there anymore. She said to figure it out on my own. I'm going with that it's too slow and they don't need me. That is a good reason...at least in my book. Oh wait..that is all I did was read a book!!! Sheesh. LOL As for Darren and I...you tell me and we will both know. Had a miscommunication tonight and all of a sudden he doesn't know if he wants to stay in the relationship. WTF??? I don't get that one either. I told him that relationships are not always smooth and sometimes there are little bumps but he cannot just want to bail when something like that happens. He said 'Why stay in a relationship if you have to work to make it work out? If two people aren't compatible then why stay?'. Ok, that one boggled my mind. We have been getting along great for the past few weeks. One little miscommunication and a little arguement and that is working to keep the relationship going and we aren't compatible? Another WTF??? So with that said...and I know I have said it before but...I'm looking for work in my hometown of Yakima. It's almost 2 hours south of here. I'm beginning to think that I have to be the one to end it just so it will be easy for him to say that he didn't break it off and I'm the one who wanted out. Whatever...if that is what will make him feel better about himself then fine. I'm seeing how he isn't capable of being in a relationship. He has this fantasy in his mind that a relationship should always be happy, smooth and no disagreements. Again...I said it's a FANTASY. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. If two people were exactly alike, they would kill each other. So I'm off to find work and figure out what to do now. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 23,July,2004 | It gets more absurd... Last night I handed the wedding band that Darren had bought for me to him. I asked him what he wanted to do with it. He said 'Well, I can't take it back. Why don't you keep it and wear it on another finger?' WTF??? Is he kidding? Like I really want to wear a ring that he never intended for me to wear. I was blown away. I couldn't even respond to what he said. Totally unlike me thank you very much. I've been doing some thinking. Darren has never given me a solid reason why he doesn't want to be with me. It's always changed. The main reason I'm beginning to think is that I have a poor credit rating and I am truly not good at paying bills. How is that for dumping someone? Shows me just how shallow and pathetic he really is. The more I think about it, the more pissed I get at him. I just want out and not ever have to deal with him again. He is a worthless man who isn't going take up anymore of my time. He is the loser in this game. Not me. I may not be good at paying bills and my credit history is from a DIVORCE!!! Not a reason to judge a person. Let him drown for all I care. He could drop dead and couldn't careless. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 21,July,2004 | The following is an email I sent to my friends: 'Hello!!! Just thought I would give everyone an update as to where my life is right now. It is starting at the beginning. Darren and I are no longer together. Well, we are still living together but that is coming to an end real soon. I'm sure you are asking 'What happened???'. Well that is the same question I am asking myself. I have not one clue. The only person that can answer that is Darren. He says that he fell out of love with me sometime in January but I'm leaning more towards September when I had surgery. I've gotten a few reasons from him as to why but they change quite often. I'm ok though. I've been through worse and I will get through this. I deserve better than what he has to give or can offer. He knows that he killed everything I felt for him. So with that said...I'm moving out of Wenatchee. I will be back in Yakima. Know what is really sad about the whole thing? I'm happy to be leaving here. I'm happy to be getting out of a relationship that was unhealthy and emotionally abusive. I'm happy to be back with my family and friends. I don't hate Darren. I really don't. I just need someone different than what Darren is and who can offer more than he can. It's nothing bad about him. It's just him. Even he has admitted that he may not be meant to be with anyone. Who knows.' The support I am receiving from my friends is amazing. I have the greatest support system that I will be fine through all of this. Last night I realized that I should have left Darren a month after we moved in together when I asked him to stop communicating with an ex girlfriend who he was deeply in love with. I asked him out of respect for me and our relationship to please stop. He refused. Instead of going with my gut instinct, I followed my heart. Look where I am now with that decision. Darren has a lot of growing up to do. He is too self centered and selfish to offer anyone any kind of relationship. At least one that is healthy. As my friends have said 'You deserve the best and you will find it!' They are right. I do. I hate to say this but it's out with the bad and off in search of a happy and healthy life. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 31,July,2004 | Surreal... It's almost time for me to go to bed. Part of me does not want to even go to sleep because I know that morning will get here sooner if I do. I feel like I'm drowning. That my lungs can't expand and I'm suffocating. None of this seems real. It's not. It can't be. Darren and I were so happy. We had such a great relationship. We were and are compatible. We have so much in common. We even resemble each other. Our lives would not have crossed so many times while we were growing up for us to not be together. There is a reason we were brought together. BREAKING UP THIS WAY IS NOT THE REASON!!! This isn't happening!!! Please God...wake me up and tell me this isn't real. please.... |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 29,July,2004 | Don't go changin'... Well ok....I have to change. My life is going to do a radical change in less than 24 hours. It is creeping up on me and I'm not sure I ready for it. It inevitable though. I cannot change what has begun. Like a clock ticking...slowly moving it's hands toward the eleventh hour. I'm frightened. Completely frightened. I'm going to be living my life without the man whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. How do I fill the void that will be left? I don't know. I'm so angry right now. Not at Darren. I'm so angry with God for what is happening. Not just this situation but others in my past. I know that He knows I'm angry with him. He shows me what happiness is and then for some reason, takes it away. Why? That is all I want to know. WHY?!?!?!?!? |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 29,July,2004 | Morning and phone calls... Well this morning we said goodbye to Darren. He won't be home until Sunday night. We won't be here Sunday night. We are moving Sunday during the day. I won't go into details of how this morning went but I will say it wasn't easy and it was the first time I ever saw Darren cry. I mean truly cry. He wasn't crying about me. It was Jordin. Jordin kept saying she didn't want to lose him. Just about tore my heart out. He is gone now. I'm a bundle of emotions about that. Talk about being torn emotionally. I got a very good phone call today. I'm not going to go into the specifics about it. I don't want to jinx what the call was about. Once I find out more, I will definately say more. Just pray that the call I got today is a step in the right direction for me. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 27,July,2004 | Plans and living life... I have decided on something. I am going to take the girls to Disneyland next summer. It's going to be the 50th Anniversary so it's a must go kind of trip. Besides, I have the itch to go again. So...now I have something to look forward to and something to save for. So many things to dream and look forward to. So many adventures that I have yet to experience. There is so much life out there and I want to live it. Not exist through it. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 26,July,2004 | Spinning and spinning... I'm sitting here and feel like I'm in a dream. A very, very, very bad dream. I know it isn't a dream but sometimes I wish it was. I keep thinking I am going to wake up and this isn't happening. Then reality sets in and I'm glad it's happening. All of the past comes back full force and wakes me up. I still have that little twinge in me that loves Darren. Believe me, it's little and not enough to make me want to stay. I'm at peace when he isn't here. When he comes home from work, the stress and tension sets in. I guess I'm just holding on to the good memories. The ones where we were amazingly happy. I have to hold on to them or else I will end up despising Darren with a passion. I don't want to do that. Tomorrow is the last time I will see him. He won't be here from Thursday - Sunday. I will be moving Sunday. He will come home Sunday evening and I will be gone. No saying of goodbye, no hugs, no nothing. I guess it's better that way, right? |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 26,July,2004 | Thinking and thoughts... My mind has just been going a million miles a minute. I will be sitting doing nothing or just driving and things will pop into my head about my relationship with Darren that should have been major red flags. Lets look at the porn issue shall we? From the beginning of our relationship, Darren knew about what happened with my ex husband. How he had done things with porn around my children. How much I despised it and how it made me sick. Don't get me wrong, I don't have issues with softcore like 'Red Sh*e Diar*es. I have issues with the up close shots of everything that no one should see but you and your husband/wife. I have issues with the hardcore crap. I have issues with it being in the house and knowing my children are on the computer also. So with that said you would think that he would respect me enough to not look at it or bring Playboy in the house (even though I told him that I don't have a problem with it). He should have had enough respect for me AND my girls to avoid any kind of porn. Ding ding ding...apparently he didn't. He has told me that he only looks at it to see if he has any kind of 'stirrings down there'. He says that he has no sex drive so he looks at the pictures/videos online to see if he can get it back. Ok...don't think that I'm that stupid to think that. He has said that he only looks at it from time to time and a couple of pictures. WHATEVER!!! I know better than that. I'm not stupid. He has touched me twice since my hysterectomy...SEPTEMBER 9, 2003!!! Hello...the last time was mid January. Think that the porn is factoring in here somewhere? Yep. Do I think he has someone on the side? No. I don't. I was his first girlfriend in over 2 years. Women just don't find him very attractive. He is very thin, only 5'9', receding hairline, balding in the back, more flatulance than anyone I have ever met, still breaks out like a teenager, anal as all get out, controlling, never married and no children of his own. Damn...what was I thinking? I don't know. I fell in love with him on first sight. I didn't see all of the faults. I saw a man who I thought was wonderful. A man who I had more in common with than any other man I have been involved with. A man who at the time was the most considerate and amazingly talented person I had ever had the pleasure to have known. Where did all of that go? Where did that Darren go? Believe me when I say...I wish I knew. I'm sure more will come up in the coming days about the red flags but I'll stop yakking for now. Got more packing to do. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 25,July,2004 | Exactly... One more week and I will no longer be living with Darren. I'm such a mess of emotions that I don't know which end is up. Right now the only good thing I'm seeing is that I'm losing weight. Stress is an amazing diet. We have been doing a lot of talking. More than we have done in months. I asked him tonight if he has ever had credit problems. He was quiet and then said that he had. When he first moved here, he was making $8.70/hour. He was paying almost $300/month for a car payment, $200 for rent and a little less than $100 for his insurance. He said that he barely had $50/week to live on. Then he said that he had had to use a credit counseling service. Ok...that just about knocked me over. I looked at him and said 'Then you should be more forgiving and compassionate as to my situation. You should completely and totally understand the stress I am under and not condemn me for it'. Funny thing...he knew he had been busted. He knew that he could not use it as an arguement with me. I feel that I won a small battle. Granted, the war is almost over but a small battle is better than nothing. We have talked at length about everything. He still doesn't believe that he cheated on me when he had 'cybers*x'. I believe that he did cheat. I do have to give him credit because he did say that he was wrong in doing it. I think I hit him too close to home before he went to bed though. I told him that I have loved him deeper and more completely than any woman in his life, in which he agreed. That I got too close to breaking through the impenatrable walls that he has put up. I got so close that he pretty much said 'Screw this! She is too close so I'm getting the hell out' I told him that he is taking any excuse, no matter what it is, to get out. He didn't disagree with me. I know that there is more to this break up than him being wigged about my financial situation. Something that he won't admit on his own. He said that I am quite possibly correct with what I said and told me that is why we can't live together. He will continue pulling away and hurting me. He knows he is mean to me and hurts me with his actions and words. I don't want to live with him anymore. I can't be with him right now. I don't know if I can ever be with him. A lot of really horrible things have been said...on both sides. I told him that he is too abrasive and he really needs to think before he talks. He may not mean to hurt someone, which that someone is usually me, but he does. Do I know where I go from here? No. All I do know is that I need to heal. I need to find out where Tracey went. She is in there somewhere. She is just hiding. |
2,776,625 | female | 37 | indUnk | Aries | 04,August,2004 | The winds they are a changin'... So are the clouds...they are forming stormy kind of things. Anyway...I'm back!!! Did anyone miss me? Of course you did. ;) The move went well. As well as could be expected. Got all of my stuff down here and into a storage unit. I've already had 2 different job interviews and I haven't even been here a week! How cool is that? I'm sure that I will find a job in short order. Once that is done, mom and dad will most likely be moving by the end of September. Know what that means? I'M A HOMEOWNER!!! Yep...you read that right. I will be buying their house from them. It's not much but it would be mine...all mine! That has got me totally excited. I have so many plans on what to do with this place. But the best part of it is...the girls and I will be settled and no moving around anymore. That is what I'm happy about. As for Darren...he IM'd me Sunday night. He was very cold and calloused towards me. Asked me to mail him the keys even though I said that I would be coming up to finalize some things. It actually took me by surprise when he said it. Anyone want to analyze why he said that to me? I've got such a different perspective on him though now that I'm no longer with him and away from Wenatchee. He is not the type of man I want to be with. I don't know who he is but he is not a kind man. He was when I met him but not now. He is very cruel and mean. I saw a picture of him yesterday and....I wasn't even remotely attracted to him. It makes me wonder what I saw in him at all. I guess I'm finally closing the door on that part of my life. It feels good. I'm finding that I don't think about Darren much. Very rarely actually. It's another good feeling. Like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I no longer have to be afraid or walk on eggshells. Isn't that cool?!?! I chatted with an old friend today. It was great talking to him again. He has been away from my life for so long that I didn't know if he would talk to me but he did! It was such a wonderful conversation. He is what you could call 'The one that got away'. Don't worry...he is in Texas and I'm still here in Washington so I'm not jumping into any relationship. Just a fantastic friend who I have missed dearly. When I got engaged to Darren, it was very difficult to tell my friend. I don't know why but it was. So with that said...I hope I have eased some of your minds and that you aren't worried about me anymore. I'm doing well and happy again for the first time since I've met Darren. |
3,320,022 | male | 26 | Telecommunications | Gemini | 21,June,2004 | The program subclasses the main form and watches for the WM_WINDOWPOSCHANGING message. When it sees that message, the program moves the satellite forms to stay with the main form. ' Process messages. Public Function NewWindowProc(ByVal hwnd As Long, ByVal msg As Long, ByVal wParam As Long, lParam As WINDOWPOS) As Long Const WM_NCDESTROY = &H82 Const WM_WINDOWPOSCHANGING = &H46 ' If we're being destroyed, ' restore the original WindowProc. If msg = WM_NCDESTROY Then SetWindowLong _ hwnd, GWL_WNDPROC, _ OldWindowProc Else ' See if the window is moving. If msg = WM_WINDOWPOSCHANGING Then ' The window is moving. Keep the others with it. Form2.Move Form1.Left + Form1.Width, Form1.Top - 360 Form3.Move Form1.Left - Form3.Width, Form1.Top - 360 End If End If ' Continue normal processing. VERY IMPORTANT! NewWindowProc = CallWindowProc( _ OldWindowProc, hwnd, msg, wParam, _ lParam) End Function This program removes the title bar from the satellite forms so you cannot move them directly. You could try to subclass them as well but moving the group as a whole would be more complicated. For example, you might need to be able to ignore WM_WINDOWPOSCHANGING messages while you are moving one of the forms. This example should get you started, though. ========== |
3,320,022 | male | 26 | Telecommunications | Gemini | 18,June,2004 | The main form's KeyPreview is True so its KeyDown and Keyup event handlers get keyboard events. Those event handlers set a value in an array to indicate whether a key is up or down. One odd case that this handles is when the user presses multiple keys. The array will know if the user is holding down the Left and Up arrows at the same time. 'This vector contains the state of all keys 'I think KeyCode goes from 0 to 255, but you 'can change this if you want Dim Keys(255) As Boolean 'Its used to stop the Do-Loop of the Form_Load Dim StopLoop As Boolean Private Sub Form_KeyDown(KeyCode As Integer, Shift As Integer) 'The key KeyCode is pressed now... Keys(KeyCode) = True End Sub Private Sub Form_KeyUp(KeyCode As Integer, Shift As Integer) 'The key KeyCode is NOT pressed now... Keys(KeyCode) = False End Sub Private Sub Form_Load() Dim str As String Me.Show 'The form must handle the key events Me.KeyPreview = True StopLoop = False Do 'Just check for the arrow keys to see 'if they are pressed. To check form more 'keys, just ask for the correct subindex 'in the 'Keys' array str = '' If Keys(vbKeyUp) Then str = str + 'UP' & vbCrLf If Keys(vbKeyDown) Then str = str + 'DOWN' & vbCrLf If Keys(vbKeyLeft) Then str = str + 'LEFT' & vbCrLf If Keys(vbKeyRight) Then str = str + 'RIGHT' & vbCrLf 'Refresh the label lblKeys = str 'Important!! (to not freeze the thing) DoEvents Loop Until StopLoop End Sub Private Sub Form_Unload(Cancel As Integer) 'Important!! To stop the loop, so the 'form can be unloaded StopLoop = True End Sub ========== |
3,320,022 | male | 26 | Telecommunications | Gemini | 18,June,2004 | This program uses the ClientToScreen API function to convert the target coordinates from the screen's coordinate system to the screen's coordinates system. It then uses the SetCursorPos API function to move the mouse there. Sub MoveMouse(x As Single, y As Single) Dim pt As POINTAPI pt.x = x pt.y = y ClientToScreen hwnd, pt SetCursorPos pt.x, pt.y End Sub |
3,320,022 | male | 26 | Telecommunications | Gemini | 18,June,2004 | This program simply loops through the pixels in the images. For each image in top-to-bottom order, the program looks for a color other than the one defined as transparent. When it finds such a color, it stops looking at the images and sets the output pixel's color using PSet. Private Sub cmdCombine_Click() Dim max_input As Integer Dim transparent As Long Dim wid As Single Dim hgt As Single Dim X As Single Dim Y As Single Dim i As Integer Dim clr As Long cmdCombine.Enabled = False MousePointer = vbHourglass DoEvents max_input = picInput.ubound For i = 0 To max_input picInput(i).AutoRedraw = True picInput(i).ScaleMode = vbPixels Next i picResult.Width = picInput(0).Width picResult.Height = picInput(0).Height picResult.ScaleMode = vbPixels transparent = picTransparent.BackColor wid = picInput(0).ScaleWidth hgt = picInput(0).ScaleHeight For Y = 0 To hgt For X = 0 To wid For i = max_input To 0 Step -1 clr = picInput(i).Point(X, Y) If clr <> transparent Then Exit For Next i picResult.PSet (X, Y), clr Next X DoEvents Next Y picResult.Picture = picResult.Image cmdCombine.Enabled = True MousePointer = vbDefault Beep End Sub Note that there are faster ways to access color values in V 6 and VB .NET, and that there are faster methods for merging images if you have an overlay mask. Note also that VB .NET provides tools for setting a transparent color for an image so this problem is trivial in VB .NET. ========== |
3,320,022 | male | 26 | Telecommunications | Gemini | 22,June,2004 | Iran seized eight Royal Navy and Royal Marines personnel in three patrol boats on the Shatt al Arab waterway yesterday, claiming that they had strayed across the border with Iraq. The boats, which were being delivered to the Iraqi riverine patrol service, were flying the White Ensign. They were travelling up the waterway towards Basra. British troops on patrol on the Shatt al Arab in southern Iraq Teheran said: 'British boats entered territorial waters of the Islamic Republic of Iran and officials of the naval force, in accordance to its laws, seized the boats and arrested the eight crew members aboard. 'Interrogation of those detained will continue until the matter is clarified.' An Iranian Arabic-language television station which broadcasts to the mainly Shia population of southern Iraq said the Royal Navy personnel had 'confessed that they have made a mistake'. British sources in Baghdad appeared to confirm that the boats had crossed into Iranian territorial waters in the waterway, which has long been a matter of contention between Iran and Iraq. There was immediate speculation that the arrests were linked to the row over Iran's nuclear programme. The Iranians were infuriated after Britain helped to draft a highly critical resolution at the International Atomic Energy Agency, the UN's nuclear watchdog, condemning Teheran's failure to co-operate fully with international inspections. Although the Iranians insist that the programme is purely for civil purposes, there are fears in the West that it is a cover for developing nuclear weapons. The Foreign Office said it was in contact with the Iranian government to find out more details and 'try to reach a satisfactory solution'. It played down suggestions of a tit-for-tat action by the Iranian government in response to last Friday's resolution by the IAEA. But privately officials admitted that there might have been an 'opportunistic' attempt at retribution by hard-line elements associated with the Revolutionary Guards, the troops in charge of protecting Iran's Islamic revolution. Islamic students regularly demonstrate outside the British mission in Teheran over Britain's 'occupation' of holy Shia sites in Iraq, something they could not do without the sanction of the Revolutionary Guards. Iranian state television played down the seizure of the vessels in its evening news bulletin, giving only a brief mention of the arrests. The seized craft are believed to be Italian-made patrol boats which were bought by Saddam Hussein's regime but never delivered because of UN sanctions. The Royal Navy is in charge of training Iraq's new naval forces and a joint Royal Navy-Royal Marines unit was set up for that purpose. Behind the scenes, Britain has been playing the good guy to America's tough guy to try to raise relations with Teheran from the low point of the 1980s and the late Ayatollah Khomeini's regime. Contacts at a number of levels, which are believed to have included an MI6 back-channel set up in the mid-1990s, have led to five visits to Teheran by Jack Straw, the Foreign Secretary. British officials said that, although the standard Teheran response to any action it disagreed with was a tit-for-tat retaliation, such moves tended to be much more measured than the Shatt al Arab incident. 'Of course they do not like the IAEA resolution and they have made that clear,' an offical said. 'It would be no surprise if there was a frostiness to our diplomatic relations as a result. 'But it would be unusual for them to link high policy matters to something like this. This smacks more of opportunism.' |
3,320,022 | male | 26 | Telecommunications | Gemini | 21,June,2004 | Tony Blair predicted yesterday that he would win a battle 'between myth and reality' over Europe as he gave himself two years to persuade the British people to accept the new EU constitution. He defied Conservative demands to call the promised referendum as soon as possible, making clear he would not so until after the next general election. Tony Blair in determined mood during his interview As a hard-core of Labour MPs prepared to launch their own campaigns against the constitutional treaty today and fresh opinion polls showed a public majority opposed to it, Mr Blair accepted that he faced a 'tough battle' to win over its critics. But, if given time, he would succeed. 'This is going to be a fascinating political battle because it will be a battle between reality and myth. 'If you actually have a debate about the reality then people will say 'well what's wrong with that? Why aren't we being part of that'?' The constitution, agreed on Friday after an acrimonious summit in Brussels, does not have to be ratified until the end of 2006, meaning that Mr Blair can hold off the referendum until well after the election, expected in early summer next year. He said on BBC1's Breakfast with Frost that there was 'absolutely no need' to call a national vote in a hurry. The only reason his opponents were trying to force the pace was to limit the time pro-Europeans would have to expose the 'myths' being peddled about the treaty. The Tories and some Labour MPs replied saying the British people deserved the chance to have their say as soon as possible. Last night Frank Field, the Euro-sceptic former Labour minister, said it was 'nonsense' to say that a referendum could not be held until after the election on the grounds that there was insufficient time to complete the formalities in Parliament. 'It could all be done in a few months,' he said. Mr Field feared that the whole issue could do serious damage to Labour at the election and said that Mr Blair had become a liability to his own party. 'The Prime Minister has this naive view that the more he explains the constitution the more people will come round. But the reverse is true. The awful thing is that he has become a handicap.' The battle with the Tories will switch to the Commons today when Mr Blair reports on the summit. Michael Ancram, the shadow foreign secretary, accused Mr Blair yesterday of ignoring the British people, who were against the constitution by a clear majority. Some Labour and Tory MPs believe Mr Blair was delaying the referendum in the hope that one of eight other EU countries expected to hold referendums will vote the constitution down. Robert Kilroy-Silk, the former television chat show host who won a seat in the European elections for the UK Independence Party, likened Mr Blair to Neville Chamberlain, Britain's wartime Prime Minister, and his appeasement of Hitler. 'There's Tony waving a piece of paper saying 'It's OK, I've only given a little bit away of our sovereignty' when in fact this is the beginning of the end of Britain as a nation state governing itself.' |
3,320,022 | male | 26 | Telecommunications | Gemini | 18,June,2004 | Horror and anger swept the United States yesterday after Islamic militants beheaded Paul Johnson Jr, a 49-year-old grandfather from New Jersey, who had been kidnapped a week ago from his home in Riyadh. His corpse was later found dumped in the al-Munisiyah district, a rural area of farms and villas 25 miles north-west of the capital, Saudi security sources said. An image from a video showing Paul Johnson in captivity The militants - calling themselves 'al-Qa'eda in the Arabian peninsula' and the 'al-Fallujah squadron' - released gruesome video images and photographs of the killing. Still photographs showed a severed head, placed on the back of a body wearing an orange jumpsuit, the face turned towards the camera. A dagger rested on the corpse, its point apparently buried in Mr Johnson's forehead. They released a statement on the internet, claiming that the killing of Mr Johnson - an aeronautical engineer employed by Lockheed Martin, working with a Saudi manufacturer of high-tech equipment for Apache helicopter gunships - was just vengeance for the suffering of detainees abused in Abu Ghraib prison, outside Baghdad. It added: 'The infidel got his fair treatment. Let him taste something of what Muslims have long tasted from Apache helicopter fire and missiles. 'As we promised the mujahedeen, we have beheaded the American hostage Paul Marshall [sic] after the deadline that the mujahedeen gave to the tyrannical Saudi government.' The kidnapping of Mr Johnson sparked unprecedented public appeals from moderate Saudi clerics and lawyers, saying that he was an invited guest to the country, protected by Islamic law. One Saudi colleague of Mr Johnson, using the pseudonym 'Saad the believer', said he had often invited the American to his home for dinner, and given him books about Islam as presents, and invoked the traditional tribal protection over him, known as ijara. If Johnson is harmed, the Saudi wrote: 'I will never forgive you, I will curse you in all my prayers.' The kidnapping triggered a fierce debate on prominent Islamic websites. One senior Saudi cleric, Sheikh Abu Bassir, re-issued a religious ruling stating that foreigners arriving in Saudi Arabia on valid visas should be protected. The extremists behind the killing had demanded the release of hundreds of al-Qa'eda suspects from Saudi jails, setting a 72-hour deadline that passed yesterday afternoon. They also demanded that all Westerners leave the Arabian peninsula. Mr Johnson was the fifth Westerner to be killed in Saudi Arabia in just over a week, including two other American defence contractors and a BBC cameraman. Late last month, 22 people were killed in a two-day shooting spree at a residential compound for foreigners. Though Mr Johnson's wife, sons and relatives in the US begged President George W Bush, the Saudi authorities and even the kidnappers to save his life, family members told reporters that the impossible nature of the terrorists' demands left little doubt he would meet a horrible death. Colin Powell, the United States secretary of state, called the killing 'barbarism', and predicted that it would reinforce the Saudi resolve to crack down on militants. Last night Saudi police shot dead three suspected militants in Riyadh. |
3,320,022 | male | 26 | Telecommunications | Gemini | 22,June,2004 | LF commander Samir Geagea's prison conditions in Yarze have been improved and a new medical checkup proved him in good physical shape, the Beirut media reported on Tuesday. The latest checkup a few days ago was conducted in Sacre Cœur Hospital. Judicial sources pronounced the outcome of the tests satisfactory and said doctors have recommended additional vitamins to his meals, An Nahar said. The doctors also had no objection to the daily exercises Geagea undertakes in his prison cell or at the prison courtyard. This led to extension of the exercises from one hour to 90 minutes a day, An Nahar said. The time frame of the weekly visits of his wife Strida was also extended from half an hour to a full hour, and increased form twice to three times a week. Geagea has been held in solitary confinement at the prison of the Defense Ministry compound in Yarze for 10 years thus far. This made him the longest-held political prisoner since the end of Lebanon's 15-year civil war in 1990. An ongoing campaign by LF activists to win back his freedom is believed to be hinging on whether President Lahoud's term would be extended or a new president would be elected in Lebanon by next November. |
3,320,022 | male | 26 | Telecommunications | Gemini | 21,June,2004 | Israeli warplanes have attacked south Lebanon after shrapnel from Hizbullah anti-aircraft fire rained down on military positions straddling Jewish settlements on Israel's northernmost flank, re-igniting tensions on the last active Arab-Israeli warfront. Lebanese police and Israeli army spokespersons said no casualties were reported on either side of the frontier from the sudden flare-up of hostilities that came hard on the heels of U.S. orders to Lebanon-based Americans to stay off Hizbullah strongholds in south Beirut and south Lebanon. The warning notice that was posted by the State Department on Saturday had aroused fears in Beirut that the Bush administration maybe anticipating a major Israeli offensive against Hizbullah military bases in south Lebanon and command headquarters in south Beirut. The air raid on suspected Hizbullah anti-aircraft batteries between the Lebanese border towns of Haddatha and Tiri was staged late Sunday night, about three hours after Israeli fighter jets patrolling Lebanese skies came under anti-aircraft barrages form south Lebanon. The Israeli army said shrapnel hit an army position close to the Shlomi border settlement, warranting the swift retaliation by the air force although there were no casualties from the falling shrapnel. Israel had rarely struck in the past unless there were injuries among Jewish settlers. Hizbullah said enemy jets fired four air-to-surface missiles in two runs on the strip between Haddatha and Tiri, causing bush fires and shattering window glass in the two townships. |
3,320,022 | male | 26 | Telecommunications | Gemini | 22,June,2004 | BroadSoft announced that Ericsson and BroadSoft have signed a global OEM agreement to integrate components of BroadSoft's BroadWorks(R) technology into Ericsson's IMS based Engine Multimedia 2.0 (EMM 2.0) solution. This integration will enable service providers for the first time to use the same platform to offer a uniform package of advanced managed communications services across wireline and wireless networks based on the Third Generation Partnership Project (3GPP) architecture. Ericsson will market the EMM 2.0 platform with integrated BroadWorks technology as part of its Softswitch offering, which is based on the 3GPP architecture. With this solution, Ericsson's customers will be able to deliver multimedia services, including hosted PBX, IP Centrex, residential broadband and collaborative conferencing services, transparently across different networks. The integration of the BroadWorks media and application servers into EMM 2.0 is based on the Session Initiation Protocol (SIP.) It follows the architecture developed for 3GPP that will be used in next generation fixed and mobile networks to provide multimedia services regardless of location. 'Today's announcement marks a major step forward in the evolution of uniform multimedia service delivery to fixed and mobile 3GPP networks,' said Deborah Workman, vice president of market research at Dittberner Associates, Inc. Ericsson is uniquely qualified to provide this converged offering given their leadership position in wireline and wireless networks.' 'By working with Ericsson, we're helping operators to keep their core technologies and investments in place, while enhancing their ability to offer hosted multi-media services across multiple networks based on the 3GPP architecture,' said Michael Tessler, CEO and president at BroadSoft. 'This announcement further confirms BroadWorks commitment to working with industry leaders to successfully penetrate new market segments.' |
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