monomer/program_peace · Datasets at Hugging Face

line stringlengths 1 117
spent years trying to figure out how to make eye contact in a way that is welcoming and
not domineering eventually concluded that eye contact comes across as affable when it
appears as if it takes no thought However it takes lots of experience for eye contact to
become genuine and uncontrived After some trial and error came across the following rules
of thumb
Make as much eye contact with others as they make with you You might want to look
away first but then when you reinstate eye contact feel secure that it is now their turn
to look away Keep in mind that rigidly keeping track of every glance takes away from
the natural flow Take turns be fair but dont sell yourself short
The more expressive you are the longer you can maintain your gaze without upsetting
the other person If you gesture with your hands raise your brow momentarily or build
a slowgrowing smile you can maintain your gaze without coming across as intense If
you can get yourself to feel trust respect or even love for others your eye contact will
become trusting respectful and loving This is perhaps the most powerful and
endearing way to make eye contact
Do not look down when you look away from the other persons eyes When you look at
the floor after making eye contact it can be taken as a sign of defeat and often
interrupts the flow of the conversation Rather than looking down try to look to the side
of the person at the eye line This will make them feel that you are listening have
remained engaged and are ready to reinstate eye contact
Look someone in the eyes and wait until their eyes meet yours to start talking If done in
a friendly manner this can motivate someone to connect with you When in a group
take the time to look each person in the eye while you talk
Many experts in nonverbal communication recommend trying to make eye contact
about of the time during a conversation Be sensitive however to how the other
person is responding to your extended eye contact They may feed off it or actively
avoid it
think it is profitable to discuss eye contact with friends and acquaintances have told
several friends have been trying to make more eye contact recently want you to be
comfortable with this How do you feel about the dynamics of our eye contact have
even gone as far as saying things like Lets work together on using more eye contact so
that we can get better at it
The following exercise combines several tactics into one larger practice to help you
develop reflexes around a healthy assertive social gaze that communicates to others your bold
eye contact is a positive form of social engagement
Chapter Hold a Steady Upward Gaze with Wide Eyes
Eye Exercise WellFunctioning Eye Contact Behavior
Sit a foot or two in front of a mirror staring into your pupils Perform the following while
engaging in paced breathing
Widen and then relax your eyes every few seconds
Deftly move your gaze between your two eyes without breaking eye contact Try
to alternate from one pupil directly to the other Try doing it rapidly dozens of
times
When you blink during contact immediately reinstate eye contact without ever
looking away Try using the slow blink you worked on earlier in this chapter
Break eye contact by raising your gaze above your eye line then reestablish eye
contact
Raise your eyebrows in a friendly way then let them lower completely Do not
compensate for lowering your brown by squinting
In apes and monkeys dominant individuals stare down subordinate ones The state of
affairs is similar for humans The visual dominance ratio VDR is a concept used in psychology
to quantify eye contact behavior between people in a conversation A persons VDR is
calculated by taking the percentage of time that one spends looking into another persons eyes
while speaking and dividing that number by the percentage of time that person spends looking
into anothers eyes while listening
VDR eye contact while speaking eye contact while listening
This means that if you make about the same amount of eye contact while speaking that
you do while listening your VDR is roughly If you make more eye contact while speaking
your VDR rises above which is dominant If you make most of your eye contact while listening
and look away when you speak it drops below Usually a high VDR indicates that you think
what you have to say is important
Studies have shown that when people speak to their peers and colleagues they have an
average VDR of around When they speak to experts or highstatus individuals their VDR
drops and when they speak to people lower in status their VDR rises For example when
individuals in the military speak to someone of higher rank their VDR goes down when they
speak to someone of lower rank it goes up The same has been shown to occur in the
corporate hierarchy as well as in fraternities and sororities
The upstanding genteel strategy is to aim for a VDR of around with everyone
regardless of their status However was unable to achieve a VDR higher than because
found it extremely difficult to maintain eye contact as formulated my sentences Making eye
contact would leave me tonguetied Years of subordination made it so that just didnt have
the processing capability to do both things at once The exercise below cured this Use the
training exercise below to raise your VDR quotient
PROGRAM PEACE Self Care Exercises to Reprogram Your Mind and Body
Eye Exercise Using the Telephone in Front of a Mirror
When you speak to someone on the phone sit or stand in front of a mirror and make
constant eye contact with yourself As you listen and speak make eye contact with your
reflection in the mirror keeping your eyes wide and your eyebrows relaxed Notice your
tendency to look away while you are formulating your sentences Perfect your ability to
produce and deliver your speech while maintaining unbroken eye contact with yourself
Try to use eye contact to show the other person that you are curious about their facial
responses to the topic of conversation This will keep them engaged It has been my experience
that most people find eye contact that comes across as interested in them to be validating and
endearing Finally the last major benefit of increased positive eye contact is that you learn so
much more when you look at people than when you look away It makes you better at
processing emotions and will increase your empathy quotient
It was easy to help my cat become more comfortable with eye contact First would hold
him gently so that he was facing me in a way that allowed him to rest and be still would
position my face close to his and make eye contact with him while petting him for reassurance
While breathing calmly would look into both his eyes for just under a minute would feed
him afterward This dramatically increased the frequency at which he sought eye contact He
even began to seek it out when he wasnt hungry Like most cats his normal pattern had been
to squint look down or break eye contact when looking at me To help counteract that
fostered his ability to make sustained contact by not staring him down instead looking away
about half the time To help him stop squinting also gently massaged the orbits of his eyes
The results were noticeable quite quickly Within a few weeks he stopped squinting and
his eyes were wider all the time He now actively seeks wideeyed eye contact from everyone
That in turn seems to have increased his social intelligence This is probably because he is now
exposed to more information from peoples faces as he interacts with them watched my cat
become more personable and noticed a real increase in the strength of our bond Studies back

spent years trying to figure out how to make eye contact in a way that is welcoming and

not domineering eventually concluded that eye contact comes across as affable when it

appears as if it takes no thought However it takes lots of experience for eye contact to

become genuine and uncontrived After some trial and error came across the following rules

of thumb

Make as much eye contact with others as they make with you You might want to look

away first but then when you reinstate eye contact feel secure that it is now their turn

to look away Keep in mind that rigidly keeping track of every glance takes away from

the natural flow Take turns be fair but dont sell yourself short

The more expressive you are the longer you can maintain your gaze without upsetting

the other person If you gesture with your hands raise your brow momentarily or build

a slowgrowing smile you can maintain your gaze without coming across as intense If

you can get yourself to feel trust respect or even love for others your eye contact will

become trusting respectful and loving This is perhaps the most powerful and

endearing way to make eye contact

Do not look down when you look away from the other persons eyes When you look at

the floor after making eye contact it can be taken as a sign of defeat and often

interrupts the flow of the conversation Rather than looking down try to look to the side

of the person at the eye line This will make them feel that you are listening have

remained engaged and are ready to reinstate eye contact

Look someone in the eyes and wait until their eyes meet yours to start talking If done in

a friendly manner this can motivate someone to connect with you When in a group

take the time to look each person in the eye while you talk

Many experts in nonverbal communication recommend trying to make eye contact

about of the time during a conversation Be sensitive however to how the other

person is responding to your extended eye contact They may feed off it or actively

avoid it

think it is profitable to discuss eye contact with friends and acquaintances have told

several friends have been trying to make more eye contact recently want you to be

comfortable with this How do you feel about the dynamics of our eye contact have

even gone as far as saying things like Lets work together on using more eye contact so

that we can get better at it

The following exercise combines several tactics into one larger practice to help you

develop reflexes around a healthy assertive social gaze that communicates to others your bold

eye contact is a positive form of social engagement

Chapter Hold a Steady Upward Gaze with Wide Eyes

Eye Exercise WellFunctioning Eye Contact Behavior

Sit a foot or two in front of a mirror staring into your pupils Perform the following while

engaging in paced breathing

Widen and then relax your eyes every few seconds

Deftly move your gaze between your two eyes without breaking eye contact Try

to alternate from one pupil directly to the other Try doing it rapidly dozens of

times

When you blink during contact immediately reinstate eye contact without ever

looking away Try using the slow blink you worked on earlier in this chapter

Break eye contact by raising your gaze above your eye line then reestablish eye

contact

Raise your eyebrows in a friendly way then let them lower completely Do not

compensate for lowering your brown by squinting

In apes and monkeys dominant individuals stare down subordinate ones The state of

affairs is similar for humans The visual dominance ratio VDR is a concept used in psychology

to quantify eye contact behavior between people in a conversation A persons VDR is

calculated by taking the percentage of time that one spends looking into another persons eyes

while speaking and dividing that number by the percentage of time that person spends looking

into anothers eyes while listening

VDR eye contact while speaking eye contact while listening

This means that if you make about the same amount of eye contact while speaking that

you do while listening your VDR is roughly If you make more eye contact while speaking

your VDR rises above which is dominant If you make most of your eye contact while listening

and look away when you speak it drops below Usually a high VDR indicates that you think

what you have to say is important

Studies have shown that when people speak to their peers and colleagues they have an

average VDR of around When they speak to experts or highstatus individuals their VDR

drops and when they speak to people lower in status their VDR rises For example when

individuals in the military speak to someone of higher rank their VDR goes down when they

speak to someone of lower rank it goes up The same has been shown to occur in the

corporate hierarchy as well as in fraternities and sororities

The upstanding genteel strategy is to aim for a VDR of around with everyone

regardless of their status However was unable to achieve a VDR higher than because

found it extremely difficult to maintain eye contact as formulated my sentences Making eye

contact would leave me tonguetied Years of subordination made it so that just didnt have

the processing capability to do both things at once The exercise below cured this Use the

training exercise below to raise your VDR quotient

PROGRAM PEACE Self Care Exercises to Reprogram Your Mind and Body

Eye Exercise Using the Telephone in Front of a Mirror

When you speak to someone on the phone sit or stand in front of a mirror and make

constant eye contact with yourself As you listen and speak make eye contact with your

reflection in the mirror keeping your eyes wide and your eyebrows relaxed Notice your

tendency to look away while you are formulating your sentences Perfect your ability to

produce and deliver your speech while maintaining unbroken eye contact with yourself

Try to use eye contact to show the other person that you are curious about their facial

responses to the topic of conversation This will keep them engaged It has been my experience

that most people find eye contact that comes across as interested in them to be validating and

endearing Finally the last major benefit of increased positive eye contact is that you learn so

much more when you look at people than when you look away It makes you better at

processing emotions and will increase your empathy quotient

It was easy to help my cat become more comfortable with eye contact First would hold

him gently so that he was facing me in a way that allowed him to rest and be still would

position my face close to his and make eye contact with him while petting him for reassurance

While breathing calmly would look into both his eyes for just under a minute would feed

him afterward This dramatically increased the frequency at which he sought eye contact He

even began to seek it out when he wasnt hungry Like most cats his normal pattern had been

to squint look down or break eye contact when looking at me To help counteract that

fostered his ability to make sustained contact by not staring him down instead looking away

about half the time To help him stop squinting also gently massaged the orbits of his eyes

The results were noticeable quite quickly Within a few weeks he stopped squinting and

his eyes were wider all the time He now actively seeks wideeyed eye contact from everyone

That in turn seems to have increased his social intelligence This is probably because he is now

exposed to more information from peoples faces as he interacts with them watched my cat

become more personable and noticed a real increase in the strength of our bond Studies back